#this is all I got rn Im like so full of life
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What if instead of Fallout New Vegas they called it Fallout New Freakass and everyone was freaky and the Courier was called the Freakier
#sorry I've been radio silent if been having fun doing jack shit#fallout#fallout new vegas#this is all I got rn Im like so full of life
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wonderful nothing by glass animals.................soooo real
#glass animals#chat.txt#oh my god i just clicked on the tag section and got reminded by all my past tags#i was so organised...#anyways i havent listened to album in full..but i like that song rn!#what does everyone think of new ga ??#tbh im not as big of a fan of their newer stuff but i still give it a listen! still slaps!#btw one day i will come back to gif making.......................one day#omg life update bc i havent been on posting here in ages#ive been living that life von dutch....i recently turned 22........just chilling and hanging w friends.....life has been good atm
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Wait shit people might actually care about me
#sorryyy for the personal posts lmao just not having a great time lately . ill go back to posting abt fandom stuff soon dw#hopefully the self loathing phase is over now cuz i really didnt enjoy that!#mf got me thinking thay everyone secretly hates me n itd be better if i was dead ahahaha#but like. my friends talk to me daily. my mutuals love me. i didnt go to school for like 3 days and my classmate who im kindaaa friends wit#texted me saying. and i quote “Hi [name]. I know its late but i hope your doing well. Hope to cya tmr.” (the full stops symbolize each text#cuz she sent three seperate texts)#and i was just. so flabbergasted at that#i didnt rlly think anyone would really notice if i was gone#i didnt think anyone cared me enough for that#i thought theyd just be indifferent to it#also i sound pathetic rn but i reread that girl's text over n over again when she sent rhat. was literally on the brink of tears#and i just. wow.#people might actually care for me. they might actuallynotice when im gone. they might actually miss me#ive been so inside my head n thinking allat bad stuff about myself that i. didnt think that people might see me differently than the way#i saw myself#really and truly i love you guys so much#even if we've never talked to each pther before or interact very little. i appreciate all of you. you guys rock#anyways aha i should stop rambling now loll. as for now i think im doing a bit better#life still sucks but hey at least i have my friends. at least i dont hate myself anymore now#at least now i dont believe that everyone was being friends with me out of pity#thank you all for everything :')#man i need a hug rn lmao#tw vent#tw sui implied#tw sui ideation#tw self loathing#tw self destructive behavior#<- dw about the tags i dont feel/do those anymore#if you wanna talk to me abt this or just talk in general hit me up!! i love talking to ppl i dont like being alone xd#love youu <33
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do you get incredibly excited over cataloguing candles or are you normal
#HAVING THE TIME OF MY MF LIFE RN#decided to put together some index cards into a little flip thing#and list down all of my candles#sorted into seasons / vibes#currently i have 24 candles#but some are running very low... rip#like my really good peach ones. sigh#BUT OHHHHHH CATALOGUING CANDLES#LOVE ME SOME CANDLES#absolutely unprompted#today has been unusually good!#a nice end to a shit week#got my boba. got some errands done. finished my crochet sleeves. organizing my candles rn. hell. fucking. yes.#and then im gonna draw!!! yippee yahoo!!!#might even be able to respond to messages!!#the energy is genuinely ~high~ and ~positive~ for once#i even found some good cardstock and stuff#so i can print out a couple things ive been dying to#namely a commission of My Specialest Boy that i need on my wall#i need more commissions of him... i need a full wall of him to gaze at...#i need to make that 'do it for him' board thats been hanging in my brain for the past eight years#BUT THATS LATER. NOW IS CANDLE TIME#i gotta rank them from favorite to least as well...
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I am once again begging online shop payment processing companies to allow me to enter a separate name for shipping and separate name for billing!!
It's the same address, I'm just trans and have not legally changed my personal name, but I still prefer to receive mail as my preferred name! Like it's literally my professional name, I do business as my preferred name.
Annoying as fuck, and I don't want to chance my bank rejecting the payment (though I'm sure someone at my bank has put a note to allow it on my account by now, since I've contacted them a couple times before when I realized too late that the billing section didn't let me input another "address/name" section, and they said the payment was fine in those cases.)
Anyway, legal name changes should be free and non-advertised for everyone. Tbh, you should get a free name change every time you file your taxes on time as an incentive for good citizen behaviour. Once I am elected pres-
#i think the one i just used didnt even have a separate billing address option which makes no sense#guess they dont want anyone giving any gifts making the buyer pay twice for shipping like that#maybe it was a fault of the mobile browser but i highly doubt it since many desktop sites look like mobile browsers these days#just so fucking frustrating. what if i lived somewhere where my legal name would out me? (im in the closet rn so doesnt matter)#i dont want to fucking see my legal name. im already forced to see it everywhere else.#i dont wanna ruin my mood on a day when im supposed to be getting a package which should be a happy thing yknow#vent#transphobia#speaking of like i would change my name but i dont want to and cant afford the fucking ridiculous price for it#and i dont wanna advertise it in a newspaper either! shits expensive as fuck on top of the hundreds to file the court paperwork!#i already tried to do it once with money in hand and the receptionist told me that even tho it was for gender identity i could not...#...avoid the newspaper thing unless i also changed my legal gender marker. and i had to back out bc i have reproductive health problems#i dont want a gender marker change to fuck with my getting healthcare#(i did change the gender letter on my ID card later tho which only took a signature on a paper no hassle with anything)#it really really fucking sucks how all these little things add up all the time#especially when im closeted while living w family who wont even use my preferred name#the real kicker is that. both my dad and his dad used preferred names. my dad used his middle name#and i use part of my middle name. yet my dad even in death still gets the dignity of being called his preferred name and i dont#sexism at its finest#reasons why i dont even hint at being trans around my moms side bc i already got bullied by them for wanting to use my middle name#ive literally been asking them to call me my mid name since i was 12. and theyve been acting like im trying to be someone else#its the same middle name on my birth certificate they gave me. i dont understand why they wouldnt want me to use it#but yeah i stay closeted bc i dont wanna deal with the name drama amplified exponentially for gender#prob get kicked out too cuz theyre queerphobic as fuck and i cant work rn and dont have a car#id have to just go full feral and live in the woods with the lizards where i belong#Cori.exe#Post.exe#fuck lol just looked it up and u cant change ur first name if u get married. i cant avoid the fucking fee man. let me be cori#literally why is it cheaper to get married than change ur first name! bullshit! marriage has so much more legal implications#transphobic queerphobic aromanticphobic privacyphobic poorphobic shit ass fucking state ive literally been cori most of my life ffs cmon
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🌻
#<- she is so eepy and so full of emotions#good ones#like ive been a mess but that makes me sappy adfghh#really feeling the Neurodivergence TM and burnout lately -- ive struggled with so many conversations and tasks and workload#but i am emotional about the people who live in my phone!!!#you guys are so cool and so kind#i love getting little peeks at successes and struggles -- im rooting for you!!#i love seeing so much talent and collaboration and care poured into shared interests#were cheering one another on in our creative endeavors and real life ones#im so grateful for the kind words people have been leaving on my writing ;---;#and i get so excited about all the art and writing you share#i love the sharing of songs and recipies and tips and all kinds of recommendations#its just been so lovely and im so grateful#oh and we pass around little letters saying how much we love each other!!!!!#i got a sweet chain ask (that ill post tomorrow so i remember lol) but that's just such a fun thing!#im getting together my secret santa blog stuff and just remembering how well that went#and just thinking in general of how cool and talented and kind and strong everyone is#anyway im sappy and ily all and hope everyone is chillin rn!!!#goodnight!! 🌙✨️#rose rambles
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I am not exaggerating when I say I live with one of the worst cishet men I've ever met in my life and its horrible
Pretty big vent incoming in tags, just a warning. Feel free to scroll past /gen
#sorry i. need to vent#he is genuinely one of the most ignorant; stubborn; and absolutely manchild of a man I've ever seen#I'm not fucking lying when I say he gets pissy and shouts and complains about EVERYTHING#and I don't mean just occasional shouting and getting loud#whenever he's upset. its /loud/. very loud#first time in my 5 years of knowing him I had enough and snapped back at him because he was yelling at me-#-bc I supposedly do absolutely nothing around the house and I take horrible care of myself and dont care about anything#at least in regards to the house#and complains about why I'm deciding not to go to college and that he got a job at 15 while he's literally#in his mid 40's#so.#like.#I told him I'm still 18 and I dont want him to boss around my entire fucking life but he brought up the excuse again of-#-him doing all the shit I SHOULD be doing by his words when he was 15#first of all. like. to get things straight; we are not related at all not even in the slightest#he's my mothers bf; I don't know why he gets so pissy at me about MY life of all things#like Jesus Christ shut up challenge impossible#yeah I had a fun (/s) moment earlier where I went to clean my dish and he started to snap at me about how I-#-walk past the dishes every day while they're piled up and I should do them. meanwhile. they're literally not mine. ever#I get it yeah but. whatever. he kept going onn and on and on and got even more upset with me literally not saying or doing anything to-#-provoke him more#Ig he just doesn't know that!! wow!! I do actually care about my life and future!!!!#and that getting a job is not that easy or the same as it was 30+ fucking years ago!! wow!! who would've guessed!!!!#Like genuinely i am literally trying to get a job rn and shit and have been stressing horribly about it for literal YEARS#but yeah ignore that I guess ok sure buddy#god sorry i.. really hate him. a lot#I dont like to hate on people really; esp if im accustomed to them. but him. he. no <3#I will say I hate him w my full chest#vent#negative post
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RATS are NOT your friends at night while you're reading a scary book
#so if you didnt know. rats are nocturnal#so its 2am where i am rn. my room is pitch dark because i have my blinds shut#and im reading a scary book. lots of spooky creatures and body horror and haunted shit#and my rats. are knocking shit over and chewing on things and generally being menaces#or theyll go silent for a minute abd i think theyre chilling and then all of a sudden theyll drop a toy or something#and scare the shit out of me#they use their spooky little hands to climb on the bars of their cage. and they use their spooky little teeth to aggressively eat kibble#and i gave them new toys today. these edible foraging toys that they love#but that means my room is full of the sound of pulling on bars. or the clicking of a water bottle. or chewing. so muvh chewing#and im reading about this dead body come back to life. with like all of her bones broken. killing a guy in the most grotesque way#and its altogether a very bad experience#i was bored for the first 70ish pages but then it got really fucking good and im hooked. but its also terrifying#the rats have gone silent but now my dog is shifting in his kennel outside my room#both are terrifying. why are my rats silent. why is my dog moving. when will he move next#these animals are harassing me. whats next. my sibling's rabbit is going to break in? in roommate's cat will start scratching at the door?#if my landlord is reading this then ignore all of these tags. we only have a dog sir. no rodents or felines or whatever tf a rabbit is here#ah the rats are making sounds again. terrible horrifying sounds#i have to piss but im scared to get out of bed. i think i live here now. in bed. i cant leave#on a somewhat related note i really want to make deviled eggs rn but i have roommates that are trying to sleep#on one hand i miss living alone. on the other it makes me feel safer to have two other people here with me#even if the threat is only my imagination#and my mischievous critters
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the visit to the island was cool i love nature. i even took my camera and took pics of everybody and the scenery ^_^ i did feel super awkward around everybody though but other than that it was fine
#its been a while since i had been in a boat. so relaxing#and the river water smelled SOOOOOO good after we got far from the city. almost an addicting sweet smell#i wasnt the only one that brought a camera.... mine was a very simple samsung nx and#this other girl brought a canon 5000 pussy destroyer hyperprofessional or something#so when i sent the drive of the pics i took everybody was like ok 👍 and when she sent hers#everybody was like THIS IS LIFE CHANGING........ I NEED TO POST ALL OF THESE ON INSTA RN.......#which was heartbreaking 💔 but if we're being real obv her pictures had better quality#moving on we had a great breakfast on the island!!!!! we had tapioca and macaxeira and pupunha and homemade bread#plus local chocolate (!!!!!!!) and passionfruit juice and coffee. it was all so good#the only thing i didnt try was the pupunha bc i didnt want to get the shits later but everything else was godly. i wanna go there again#after that we had to get to work and measure the whole thing down and see what we could build etc#my shoes got full of mud 😭😭😭😭 if i go there again im gonna use flip flops
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naturally i’m gonna be very upset at 6:09 am after an all-nighter over my brother and his actions
#personal#not the middle one we’re okay rn and talking again and he helped me get with my new job#even tho we haven’t spoken about the door and im not supposed to know he paid for it#so good but watch out#the eldest one i’m like hey i was gonna forgive ghosting me or flaking on plans you made with me for our dad#or not communicating that you already got everything done with said dad and all i really knew was my dad asking asking asking for his#eldest son and struggling for an answer for him#and even like not checking on me at all after i got kicked out and bringing a girl back and asking me to pretend to be asleep#god i regret not sleeping in a rest stop like planned that was so much worse#and also you and other brother just ignoring me begging for help telling you i got back into my ed and honestly going through the worst#time of my life also weed dependent to just cope and also my job sucked. minor but still#but again was ready to let it go bc you were so obviously in pain at the funeral i couldn’t be mad at that#but like why. after i offered to clean up after ur dogs did you um. ask me to do it again#then cussed me out after i asked that you don’t ask on the dot of when my shifts end#and then after mom told me i was selfish while struggling with a full time job and taking care of my dying father and struggling with that#and i was just asking what ur living situation was bc i felt like. hm. being told i’m awful for struggling during my dads death is a lot#instead of just saying no you go on a rant about how when we finally want to move in with you you’re doing something else and general#shit giving. instead of again. just saying no. or hell. checking on me.#so it’s like i’ll love you until every star gives out i can’t fucking look at you bc i’m so hurt#we haven’t talked since then and im not gonna hear from him till he asks what i want from christmas or he needs something#christ last time he checked on me was a segway to helping me going about the hoarder house as he loves calling it#i can’t believe i sent him photos of our dads writing saying i love you and his only question was is it still hoarder central#i was gonna type something mean i’m gonna lay down#i don’t want any gifts why would i want a gift. told him that i was hurt and didn’t want a gift my birthday and he responded and it’s gonna#and he’s didn’t respond*#be the same game during christmas#you brought a girl over on such an awful fucking night for me why would i want a gift#and it’s not like he hasn’t been there and doesn’t love me it’s just i’m hurt#and it’s not like he had all this space and my other brother and i never used it! i got kicked out and stayed a night!#other brother moved in with you! sorry circumstances led to me staying longer! just say no!
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this is turning out to be a very weird transitional period
#the way i have a better relationship with my MOTHER than most ppl in my life rn#like what the fuck is going on?????#friends that used to pride themselves on how well they support me/each other it's literally impossible to have a conversation with#my job.... well#coworker might move might not#opening up that second location again but it's been delayed literally 7 times AT LEAST#i was asked abt becoming full time nearly A YEAR AGO and the Thoughts are telling me it's never happening#the Thoughts are also wondering if a friend has the evil eye on me but i can't imagine why so that's got to be paranoia#it's all just weird 😭😭😭😭😭 everything feels slightly off like what's going on#feels like a bunch of ppl aren't talking to me but like 5 inches to the left#oh and i cannot keep money#to a supernatural degree#🧎🏾♀️ im so lost
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...
#god. ok. so i should really b reading papers rn but my lab mate called me needy today and it just keeps cycling in my head#like ive spent way too much time around him bc of field work and the thing abt me is that i just say whatever tf is in my brain so hes#basically been exposed to a scattershot of anxious thoughts in my head idk wtf he must think of me but today he said#the more i learn abt u the more i realize ur needy in these v specific ways#and i think it bothers me a lot bc needy isnt the right word. im not needy. i dont plead for help. im just a semi non functional person.#i just lay here not dealing with all these problems i have. but i generally try just make it my own problem. im just a bit pathetic like#that. do i need help? maybe but im not like needy. im just semi nonfunctional and rather compulsive and controling over myself. i live in a#world full of invisible walls as dictated by my stupid brain. but its all internal control i can put up with a lot as long as i have ctrl#over myself. its not especially healthy but it makes me pretty easy going i suppose. ugh! needy! he obviously hit a nerve how annoying#whatever im exhausted bc i had to b a scribe all day and i had a phd meeting this morning. the project sounds v cool and apparently im the#most qualified person to approach them so far but idk itll be v competitive and do i really want a uk phd? idk idk#at least this guy conducted it like an actual interview. i was like fuck finally some structure! and he said i talk well lol thanks dude#so he thinks id do ok getting grilled by a pannel. idk i kinda wanna apply just to see how far id get into the process#unrelated#i was also having harrowing nightmares last night abt climbing mt everest. at least i got 8hrs sleep lol fml i leave for sampling again#tomorrow afternoon. this is what i get for trying to have even a tiny bit of a social life rip
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someone save me helllpppppp
#kiwi shares their thoughts#not in real danger just severely overworked and stressed atm#much work to do almost no time to do ANY of it#i’m stuck playing catch up somehow??? when its only been like 2 and a half weeks since school’s started???#and i haven’t really missed any school???#idk man i’m falling behind in ap calc (was kinda alr behind)#ap bio work keeps piling up#because i was absent for half of my asl class today i had to make up like 3 assignments that we did in there#there’s ap lang assignments due friday that i will have literally no time to work on bc sports (thank god i got an extension)#but now i have to spend ANOTHER weekend doing school work#i literally have not had a weekend to have me time since school started#we’re hosting saturday too so i doubt i’ll get much done then that day#my september schedule is so full it’s about to explode#i have to sign up for like 20000 things (hyperbole) and my extracurriculars are only adding to the workload#(being vp for a club and also trying to help start up a school newspaper w only four people is ROUGH)#i have college recruiter meetings and i need to schedule an orientation at a shelter i want to volunteer at#i have to worry about preparing for my driving test#and the straw that broke the camel’s back is that when i get home from sports i immediately do chores then homework and then eat + shower#and suddenly my friend group is having issues and i don’t have the bandwidth to deal with ANY of that shit rn#so like#I HAVENT HAD TIME TO GO TO TAEKWONDO ALL WEEK#IM MISSING OUR BELT CEREMONY BC I HAVE A MATCH TMMR#I WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE SALSA IN COOKING TODAY BUT I HAD TO GO PLAY SPORTS INSTEAD 😭#oh yes and my brother has covid i just found out like an hour ago#im negative w no symptoms thank goodness#oh AND the picture lady for picture day didn’t tell me my fucking bra strap fell off one shoulder when i took my picture#so now a perfectly good picture looks wack af bc my right shoulder is bare and my left one has a strap and it is NOT cute 😭#that’s my yearbook photo dude gives guy a heads up abt stuff like that 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#n e ways life is kicking my ass but all i want is for it to tuck me in give me a kiss on the forehead and tell me “i love you”
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idk i think i should start masking again 🤠 (i mean the autism i already wear a face mask)
#vent#personal#dont mind me using the tags as a diary for a bit. i have a real diary but my carpal tunnel is not agreeing with writing with a pen rn#blah blah blah val's interests are annoying and weird. and it's all they really know how to talk about#because they are so busy constantly with two jobs + full-time uni + side gigs + life in general#that they cannot function without their Little Things and because of that all their interpersonal relationships suffer#yknow how it is#ive always been one of those people who talks a lot in class#especially since getting to college because now i really care and am excited about what we're discussing#(plus talking about it/engaging helps keep me awake and stimulated otherwise i'll go to the seventh circle of hell)#but i feel like especially recently but just in general. i just always say dumb shit. and maybe it's worse now bc my paranoia is spiking#bc of that class with my ex i have twice a week and i know they're probably judging what i say and making fun of me to their new friends#while i have to spend an hour and fifteen minutes trying not to look at the other side of the room and turning up music when they speak#i used to be better at socially masking bc high school was hell but then covid happened and it all went down the drain#and then my life got Worse and now it's like. sorry im annoying and bad at talking i know i am. i am also trying to not be like that#idk i think im just so spread thin that everything i ever do im doing poorly bc i just Cant. and im in pain constantly#and always running late or rushing or stressed or busy. like i haven't been not-stressed since. i dont even know. maybe when i was sick?#and even then i was stressed because Oh Fuck I Have Covid. yknow#wow my therapist is going to have an interesting day tomorrow it seems
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totally not me having one of the shittiest mental health crisis known to man for like, the last week
#nebbles talks#vent#feel free to ignore i am just so chronically tired and depressed rn and don't have another outlet atm#literally just feel so. helpless? not necessarily useless#but fuck literally any action i take or do or even THINK about doing feels so fucking pointless#its like no matter how hard i work for self improvement or just simply trying to get a better quality of life in general#NOTHING fucking changes#ive spent the last like. year busting my ass working and doing college classes 6 days a fucking week#and not only is my financial status even fucking WORSE than when I started#my physical health has tanked horrendously and i barely even have the energy to do basic tasks like take care of my self or even shower#SO LIKE WHATS THE FUCKING POINT??????#WHY SHOULD I FORCE MYSELF TO SUFFER IF ITS NOT EVEN GONNA CHANGE MY LIFE FOR THE FUCKING BETTER??????????#uuuuhhhgggggggg#basically no matter what i do im never gonna be able to afford to live on my own and not starve.#despite busting my ass and working 40hrs a week while also having a full time academic load#fucking. SO cool hard work literally means nothing anymore. thats definitely so so motivating and totally doesnt make me want to kill mysel#so so so glad i got to be alive in the time period where you can never gain any improvement in your life#despite doing everything i was told would make my life better#like thats so fucking cool and totally not disheartening or tragic at all#asdgjsldkdnb#again. feel free to ignore all this#the tags are like my personal little journal of fucked up thought processing since i dont have my actual paper journal on me atm
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btw i caved and bought eczema honey......... if this doesnt work or at least Help i will cry.. bc this small 2oz jar of cream was 15 dollars!!!!!!!!!!!
#im a person with expensive problems :((( and i grew up w financial insecurity :(((( so i have a hard time investing in stuff to make my#life easier :((((#so far tho like. just with Applying it (obviously) no results yet. its nice#its not sticky its lightweight. we will see#i got the cream bc my dermatologist said that the thicker it is the better itll work. so cream is better than lotion. ointment is better#than cream. etc.#but if this helps then i may also just get the lotion for full body use#like u are INSANE if u think im using whats in this 2oz jar all over my body LGDFJGLKSDJGLKDS#I PROBABLY SHOULD. BUT 15 DOLLARS. the fact i BOUGHT IT is ENOUGH for now#so im only applying it to my problem spots rn. seeing how that works. and if i think it helps then ill get the lotion ^_^
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