#this is an art that represents many things that I went through and that I suffered a lot last year..

[mel-loly]

-“2022..”

(read the tags)

[hyunjinspark]

star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 19

pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader

genre: friends to lovers, so much angst, smut, fluff, set in the idolverse, mutual pining, unrequited love, forbidden romance, slowburn (!!!) soulmate au, star-crossed lovers

synopsis: working in a quaint little art store, you’ve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but you’ve never met somebody like him. there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that he’s always wanted to, but what he didn’t anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned. 

word count: 40K (yeah....i promise it doesn't feel like that much!)

warnings: cursing, lots of casual drinking, mature content, angst, mutual pining, a shit ton of sexual tension, slight jealousy, making out, kissing, mature language, dirty jokes, arguments, reference to depression, some self-blaming, whipped! hyunjin, a lot of fluff

a/n: this is definitely one of my favourite chapters, and ends with an arc I've been looking forward to for a while. it's a very hyunyn centric chapter, which is why i love it. i honestly could have worked on this chapter forever, because there's so much i wanted to include, and i hope you like the finished product. please get comfortable with snacks and a blanket to read, and some light music to match. you can listen to my star lost playlist here!

important: all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.

masterlist

The snowflakes had settled on his coat, melting slowly in the warmth of the apartment, battling the cold from the outside where he’d left the door open. His eyes were filled with confusion, gaze moving from you to the duffel bag in your hands. The wheels clicked in his head, and oh, to know what went through Hyunjin’s mind when he put two and two together. You would kill to know how his mind worked, especially right now. His lips parted, but before he could say anything, you said, “What are you doing here, Hyunjin?”

His brows furrowed as some kind of epiphany sank in, “Are you going somewhere?”

It wasn’t an answer to your question, and you had no energy to justify yourself right now, “That doesn’t concern you.”

“What do you mean?” He took a step up tentatively like if he stepped too close, you’d run away. But you were, weren’t you? You were running away. You didn’t want to talk to him, not when all of your latest conversations with Hyunjin had ended in heartbreak. You had made up your mind, and you were going home. He obviously didn’t want you in your life, as he’d explicitly stated every time. So why the fuck was he at your doorstep?

You looked him in the eye, a bubbling anticipation rising within you at his possible reaction. He obviously wouldn’t care though, would he? He wanted you gone too. You swallowed, speaking clearly so he wouldn’t misunderstand, “I’m leaving, Hyunjin.”

“What?” A flash of confusion crippled his features. Just then, Jeongin’s voice carried through the stairwell, and you heard his footsteps as he ran up the stairs, yelling, “The taxi’s here! I already put your suitcases in the trunk.”

Hyunjin frowned, “Your suitcases? What is he talking about?”

Helpless, you stared at him. You had no clue how to explain this to him because it would mean admitting that you were wrong about everything. About moving here, about the classes, about Jieong… You weren’t going to be weak in front of him. His cheeks were red, courtesy of the quickly developing storm outside. It just meant you needed to get out of here as soon as possible, you couldn’t wait around for your train to get delayed because of the increment weather. It was fitting, because the snowstorm matched you. You tightened the grip on your bag, taking a step ahead, and your voice didn’t waver as you said, “It means that I’m going home, Hyunjin. To Daejon.”

“I’m sorry…what?” His eyes widened. You stepped closer, lugging your bag with you, “You heard me…” Finally, you came eye-to-eye with him in the middle of the staircase, “I never should have come here. It was my mistake. So you don’t have to worry about me being in your life anymore, and since you’re probably never coming back to Daejon then….” You swallowed, staring at him, and suddenly it was harder to speak the following few words, “Then… I guess this is goodbye, Hyunjin.”

He blinked at you, voice raising in his prolonged disbelief, “Wait…What are you talking about? What do you mean, you’re going home?”

You had no clue how to explain this to him, you suppose it was out of nowhere…but what did he expect? Right at that moment, Jeongin finally caught up to you on the sixth floor, and he stopped to catch his breath, hands on his knees, panting, “I have no idea why I just ran up all those stairs.” He straightened up, finally noticing Hyunjin, “How did you get into the building?”

Hyunjin looked back at him as if this was the last of his problems, stating bluntly, “I pushed open the door. It wasn’t locked.”

“That doesn’t mean you can just come into a stranger’s building, what the hell, dude” It should have been expected that Jeongin, obviously was unaware of and possibly didn’t give a fuck about idols. In any other circumstance, you might have found it funny. Hyunjin frowned at him, “I’m not a stranger. She knows me.”

You sighed, “Jeongin, I’ll be down in a minute. Thank you for getting the taxi.” Jeongin was still suspiciously glaring at him, then looked at you, face immediately relaxing, “Okay. The drivers really hate waiting, so I suggest you go soon, Y/N.”

Your decision was suddenly settling in and becoming more real. You gave him a nod, “Right. I’ll get going then.”

You stepped past Hyunjin, brushing his shoulder, and a part of you was satisfied that he didn’t have as big of an effect on you as he used to. You didn’t stop dead in your tracks because of him. You’d decided what you would do, and nothing Hyunjin could say would change your mind. It seemed like he was still catching up to this new information you’d dumped on him. His face was in disbelief as you passed him, and you hurriedly descended the stairwell. If you stopped to think about this decision, you might regret it, or you might cry, and you weren’t going to let either happen. The front door was in sight, and chills ran up your skin the closer you got. Your head was pounding with the weight of this hurried decision. You won’t regret this. You couldn’t. Daejon was your home, and you needed to be there.

Through the fog of your thoughts, you heard Hyunjin call your name. At first, your name sounded like a realization, and then it was more in desperation. The taxi waiting for you honked loudly, and you paused at the front door. Hyunjin’s footsteps were loud in the atrium, and he was running down the stairwell. He was running to catch up to you. It was a stupidly dangerous thing to do. He could fall or trip. That was the only reason you stopped, turning around in frustration, “What are you doing? You could get hurt.”

He gripped the rusty railing, and his coat flew behind him as he caught up to you, breathless, “What’s going on? Can you please just tell me?”

“It’s stupid to run down the stairs. What were you even thinking?” You frowned, heart calming down at seeing that he was okay.

“I’m not thinking.” His teeth grit together, and he was still breathing heavily, voice hoarse, “I don’t understand. Can you just please talk to me?”

“What part?” A sorry laugh escaped you, “I told you. I’m going back home. That’s it. There’s nothing more to tell. Goodbye, Hyunjin.”

He reached out, grabbing your arm to stop you, “No, but why?”

You weren’t going to tell him about what happened. Of course not. “I don’t know Hyunjin. There’s nothing in the city for me to stay for. Why are you even here? I thought you said you couldn’t be a part of my life.”

Hurt flashed across his face, which you couldn’t even comprehend. How could he be hurt right now after he’d pushed you out this whole time? You’d been in the same city as him for months, yet he never reached out to you, or apologized. He couldn’t just suddenly want something else when it was convenient for him. 

“But…what about the classes? What about Kim Jieong? He wouldn’t want you to leave.” He knew nothing about your time in the classes, he had no right to question you now. You squeezed your eyes shut, and all the emotions you suppressed came up. Just then, the taxi honked again, and the phone in your pocket started buzzing too. You looked at the caller ID. Felix was calling and you picked up, eyes on Hyunjin’s briefly, “Yes, Lix?”

“Have you left for the train station yet, love?” He was concerned, so full of care for you. Your heart softened, and your voice dropped as you held the phone tightly to your ear, “No, I’m on my way. I’ll keep you updated, okay?”

“It’s getting late. I’m worried about you.” He spoke. Hyunjin was staring at you as you took the phone call. Your gaze briefly flickered over him. Even now, after running down the stairs and walking through a freaking snowstorm, he looked like some kind of angel. There was snow all over his coat and his hair. His nose and cheeks were dark pink, and his lips were still bitten raw. “Don’t be worried. I’ll be home soon,” You mumbled, calming Felix’s tendency to worry about you. Felix had an unspoken excitement in his tone, “Okay. Love you. See you soon.”

You swallowed, highly aware of the man in front of you, “Love you too.” It’s as if those words changed the atmosphere. Hyunjin’s tense shoulders dropped as if resigning to a chosen fate. When you hung up, pushing the phone into your pocket, Hyunjin spoke, “So you’re just leaving? That’s it?”

“Yeah. What would you want me to do? Say goodbye? Maybe I would have, if I still had any way of contacting you,” You said. A taunt and petty jab, sure, but it was also the truth. Hyunjin wasn’t there when you needed him, so why was he here now?

He closed his eyes in regret. He couldn’t argue that. He knew it was the truth. After all, you two were practically strangers right now. You didn’t know what was going on in his life. You didn’t have any of his information. Yet he was here, in your apartment building. Curiosity tickled you, and you tilt your head, “Why did you even come here tonight, Hyunjin? Did something happen?”

His eyes pierced through yours, “I… wanted to talk to you. I would have come before, but… I’ve been traveling all month, I couldn’t help it”

“Right. Japan. Must have been nice.” 

You were aware you sounded like a bitch, but that was the only way you could distance yourself, so leaving him behind would hurt less. Except that would only work if he let you leave. He grabbed your arm again, pulling you close, “Y/N… what’s going on? Please…tell me what’s wrong.”

His eyes seemed so sincere. He seemed so sincere. And concerned for you. Your heart squeezed in worry. He must be so confused. If you really wanted to hurt him, you would leave right now with no explanation. It would show him how you felt, how it felt to be on the other side of things, to be cut off like this. But you weren’t him, so you’d at least try to offer an explanation.

“Hyunjin…” Before you could continue, the cab outside honked twice impatiently, and you realized all your suitcases were in the trunk. If the driver got pissed and drove off, your stuff would be gone too. Not that there was anything you still cared for in it. But you panicked, “Fuck…I would like to explain, but I don’t have the time. He’ll leave, and all my stuff’s with him. I’m sorry, you’re too late, Hyunjin.”

His face dropped into despair and that was all you had time to register before you turned away, walking out the door. The taxi was parked right outside with the engine running to preserve warmth. The apology was already on your lips, “I’m sorry sir. I got held up.”

The driver looked pissed as hell, and he glanced at you from his window, “You’re heading to the station? Because it seems like you’re wasting my time.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry to keep you waiting.” 

He rolled his eyes, slurring words, “Either get in, or take your shit and get out”

“Don’t talk to her like that.” 

Oh god. 

Hyunjin had followed you out, obviously having overheard this. You turned to him, “I got this, okay? You don’t need to—”

“Dude, I have other customers too!” The guy yelled at him, clearly pissed by how Hyunjin talked back, “I don’t have time for this bullshit.”

Hyunjin was staring at him, eyes narrowed in annoyance. You didn’t know how he’d react. You’d never seen this side of him, and you reached out to him, “Hyunjin, whatever you’re thinking of doing, please don’t”

He bypassed you, stepping up to the guy, leaning in to rest on the driver’s side window, “How much?”

“What?” The guy spat back.

“How much does she owe you?” Hyunjin repeated in a calm tone. The taxi driver was eyeing him back, “For this nonsense, three hundred thousand won”

You almost laughed, “What?”

“Okay,” Hyunjin replied, and before you could even comprehend what was happening, he reached into his back pocket and took out his wallet. He took out his credit card, and handed it to him calmly, “Please open the trunk”

The guy also didn’t seem to believe it, and he was wide-eyed, grabbing Hyunjin’s credit card to swipe it. And then with ease, Hyunjin grabbed your suitcases, pulling them out and settling them down on the curb.

“I’m sorry for the inconvenience, sir. I hope you have a good night,” Hyunjin said to him, still in a calm voice that contrasted with the drivers’. The guy looked up at him, “Yeah. Whatever, dude.”

And then he drove off in a plume of smoke and snow.

“What the fuck, Hyunjin?” 

You’d been too shocked to process the state of things. Hyunjin looked back at you, the ever-present image of calm, “Can we go inside?”

You stepped up to him, in disbelief, “No, no, we fucking can’t. That was my ride. Why did you just pay him off? And three hundred thousand won? Are you insane? He completely ripped you off! And why the hell are you making decisions for me?”

“If you really want to go, I’ll drive you to the train station, but I’m not letting you get into a car like that, he seemed wasted.”

You scoffed, crossing your arms, “You’ll drive me to the train station?”

“Yeah, I will, if it means you’ll be safe.”

“From how you’re acting right now, you seem pretty wasted too.”

“Look.” He suddenly said, “Kairi told me you haven’t responded to her texts in a week. She got worried—”

“And she sent you here to check up on me? Kairi should know better.”

Hyunjin ignored your jab and continued talking, “And clearly she was right to be worried, because you’re moving out in the middle of the night in a freaking snowstorm!”

“I don’t owe you an explanation. Not really.” You stared at him, hugging yourself tighter. The snow was coming down heavy, wind building up so you could barely even hear each other. He seemed unaffected by every attack of yours, “I know you don’t…but… she’s worried about you. The least you could do is tell her what’s going on.”

You glared at him, “So you’re only here for her, right? If I call her right now, you’ll leave?”

He squeezed his eyes shut, sighing, “No…I’m worried about you too. I…don’t understand.”

Of course, he was worried now, the only time it seemed to matter the least. You were freezing, and the time for leaving seemed to have come and gone. You could book another taxi, but the snow was only growing, and there was still time for your train, so it wouldn’t make any sense to stand outside in this terrible weather. So you said, “Yeah. Sucks not to know things, doesn’t it?”

Hyunjin ignored the taunt yet again, and picked your suitcase up, “Can we please just wait inside?”

So, you didn’t argue for once and let him follow you back inside. It was just a matter of time, but this meant you’d need to have an actual conversation with Hyunjin, and you were dreading that. 

“You live on the top floor?” He asked, looking up the atrium. You took your bag from his hands, “Yup. I’ll take that.”

“What, no” He didn’t let you, pulling it back, “You’re not carrying that up.”

It wasn't even heavy but you gave in, too tired to protest, letting him follow you up the stairs to your apartment. You were so annoyed that you only just realized that this meant he’d see where you live. You suddenly felt embarrassed. The stairwell was rickety and shabby. Your apartment was so small, it felt like a joke. And he’d see it. Maybe this was a bad decision, but it didn’t matter anymore what he thought. He probably already thought terrible things about you. He certainly wouldn’t have ignored you for months if he didn’t.

You pushed open your door, and he stepped in tentatively. There wasn’t really much for him to see, yet his eyes traveled across the entire space and all your furniture as he took it in. He’d never even seen your room in Daejon. So he must think you live like this all the time. Poorly and with no taste. It was laughable how different you two were.

“No art?” He questioned, staring at the empty, barren walls. A pang hit you as you realized, “I got rid of it.”

He glanced at you, eyes wide, “Oh.”

You sat on the armrest of your couch, facing him, and he still stood at the threshold, processing your apartment. He seemed weirdly fascinated with it and asked, “Can I come in?”

“You’re already like, halfway in, so yeah” You mumbled. He stepped inside, for real, shutting the door behind him. This all felt so insane. Hyunjin was in your fucking apartment. Why? You thought you’d got rid of all the anger in you, but you certainly hadn’t. Your conversation with Minnie and Jamie came back to you too. He used you, because you’re so fucking nice. They like the thrill of the chase, and when they actually get the girl, they’re bored of her. Is that why he was interested in you again? That’s probably why he was chasing you again.

“So…um, I know you don’t owe me an explanation, but what about your friends? Kairi…and the people from your classes. Do they know why you’re leaving in the middle of the night?”

You stared at him, observing his expressions. If you told him about Kim Jieong, you’d have no idea how he’d react. You mumbled, “No. They don’t. It doesn’t concern anybody but me.”

He nodded slowly, hurt flashing through him, “Okay. Can…we talk about something else then?”

You crossed your arms, unsure what he even meant, “Yeah. We can talk about how my train leaves in three hours, so I have to be at the station before then.”

He swallowed, “You’re…not going to show me around your place? This is the first time—”

“From where you’re standing, you already saw all of it,” You replied, feeling embarrassed despite not wanting to care. He nodded, “Oh. So…you sleep on the couch?”

You let out a dry laugh at that. Obviously, he was right to assume that based on what you said, but it was still funny because it could have actually been true. You’d been so stupidly fucking desperate for the city you’d have literally slept on a park bench if you had to. Hyunjin frowned at your laughter, “I…I was just asking. Sorry”

“No, I sleep in my bed, which is in my bedroom and I don’t really see why you’d care about that, so…can you cut to the chase and tell me why you came to my apartment in the middle of the night, in a snowstorm?”

He swallowed, resting his head against your front door, “It wasn’t snowing when I left…”

“Oh, right. That’s inconvenient for you. You wouldn’t have come if it was.”

“No, I still would’ve come.” His eyes narrowed, “Please…just…can you talk to me normally?”

“I’m sorry?”

“I understand that you’re pissed at me, but I just want to have a conversation. I came here because I was worried about you. I would have come sooner if I could, but with my work it’s impossible. So please…can we just talk?”

No, you couldn’t because if you 'just talked’ to him, you’d remember how crazy in love with him you still were, after all his repeated rejections and ghosting, and not wanting you. You changed the topic, “You know that cab driver ripped you off, right? That ride isn’t worth that money.”

Hyunjin swallowed, “I know. But…he was drunk, and it’s not safe for him to drive anyone. With that amount, he wouldn’t have to take any more customers for the night. It’d be enough for the week.”

So he was still kind to everyone except you. Even to your wasted taxi driver. Good to know.

“There. I answered your question. Are you going to be answering mine?” He spoke, for once matching your fervor and energy. You stared at him, “Which question? You asked me, like ten.”

He sighed, stepping away from the door, and closer to you. He was so tall, he really did make your apartment seem small. He was almost as tall as your couch. You gripped the sides of the armrest, looking up at him. His face traversed many expressions like he was struggling with the right thing to say, and then he spoke, “Are you okay?”

You chose to be honest, chewing on your lower lip as you admitted, “I will be when I get home.”

His face fell, like he’d been expecting something else, and his whole body seemed tense. You suppose it was a valid reaction because this had been your dream, so he couldn’t possibly understand why you were running away. “But…”

“But what?” You asked, looking up at him, not wanting to leave any breathing room for emotions because now was not the time. If you went down that spiral, you’d never come back out, “It’s your turn to answer now. I still can’t understand why you’re here, after our conversation in the car.”

He contemplated for a second, looking away, and then back at you, saying, “I came here to make sure you were okay… that’s why I got on the first flight back home.”

You stood up, staring at him, “Flight back from where?”

“Bangkok.” He stated, a tinge of embarrassment in his features, “We had a schedule there…a show, but Kairi told me that you hadn’t responded to her texts, she was really worried…I had to come back.”

You stilled, and he surprised you for the first time that night. “What about the others?”

“The rest of the band is still there.” He spoke, “I just… couldn’t wait”

“You…took a flight for this?” You were having trouble processing this. He nodded, resignation and disappointment in his voice, “But clearly I should’ve come sooner.”

For a second, you allowed yourself the luxury to wonder if things would be different, had he come sooner. If things had been different, had he never left you at all. You couldn’t even imagine the other side of things — a reality where he stayed with you all this, and maybe all those bad things wouldn’t have happened to you. You couldn’t blame Hyunjin for everything that went wrong in your life after he left, but it sure seemed convenient to blame him. A myriad of thoughts overwhelmed you. He was confusing you too much. You needed to get out of this city, far away from here, and it felt like you were suddenly leaving with no good memories. Hyunijn was looking at you so deeply, so you swallowed your pride, “Can you do me a favour, Hyunjin?”

“Anything. What is it?”

“Can we just…stop by the Atelier before you take me to the station?” You asked, hoping he would oblige you in this last request since he seemed far too eager anyway, “Please.”

“Oh. Okay.” Defeat sank into his shoulders as he realised you had indeed made up your mind. Maybe he expected to hear something else from you. He didn’t protest though, because he had already agreed. In deafening silence, he led you to his car, which was parked around the block. When he opened the trunk, you saw his own suitcase. A simple black suitcase. He really had just come from the airport. It shocked your heart in a way you’d craved for all this time. When Yeonjun had come home to make up with Hana, you’d wished that someone would love you that much, to fly across the country for you. And Hyunjin did even more than that. He flew from another country… Yet you didn’t know what to make of it. He only came because Kairi was worried for you.

He carefully placed your bags next to his, as if anything was fragile in them but your clothes. He was uncannily quiet as he drove you, and you had nothing left to say. You watched the passing skyscrapers, and craved for the quiet of the mountainside back home. The Atelier wasn’t too far from your place, and he already seemed to know the way.

“So why are we here, Y/N?” He asked, as you both stared up at the towering glass building that was home to your classes. Seeing it now in the dark, it was one of the prettiest buildings you’d seen, built like art, for artists. You remember seeing it on the front page of the brochure you’d found years ago, and it had decided the trajectory of your life. It was still snowing, flakes falling on the two of you, and it was so cold in the parking lot. You owed him an explanation so you spoke, “This last week, I was working on a painting. It was becoming something really special, but… I forgot it in the classroom. I’d like to take it with me when I go.”

“Oh.” He simply nodded like it made all the sense in the world, not questioning this stupid request, and followed you to the front door. Obviously, nobody was here. It was after hours, and no security guards were in sight. You stared at the revolving doors, trying to figure out a plan. “Is it locked?” Hyunjin asked you, sounding impatient in this weather, “You don’t have the access card?”

If you entered the building with your keycard, it’d send a notification straight to Kim Jieong. That’s how he’d known you were here the last time. The memory sent you a shudder, and the last thing you wanted was to bump into him. You bit your lip, “Wait. I’m thinking.”

The cold was making you do stupid things, like shifting closer to him, so your shoulder would brush his. Simple body heat. Even through your thick coat, and his, the touch sent a flutter to your stomach. Hyunjin glanced at you as you did that, and his lips were becoming icy cold, “Well… it’d be nice if you could think faster. I wouldn’t want to die of hypothermia before you figure it out.”

You looked at him, surprised by the sudden sass in his tone, “Are you done?”

“Give me your keycard, let’s just go in.” He let out a breath, fog leaving his mouth. You frowned, not wanting to explain the whole story, “I don’t have one. It’s deactivated.”

“Okay…” He sighed, looking around the facade, “Is there another entrance we can use?”

You thought over his words. You had an idea. It was a stupid idea. You shrugged, hands deep in your coat pockets, “The back door.”

“Well, why don’t we just use that?” He asked. You shot him a tight smile, “It’s technically off-limits.” It was the emergency stairwell. You’d heard enough lectures about it, but you didn’t care right now. That was the only way to get into the building. You’d just have to suck it up. “I’m going to have to…technically break in.” You stepped ahead. His eyes widened, and he reached out to stop you, “What?”

“Only technically. You should probably go back to the car, because if someone comes here, I wouldn’t want you to get into trouble. It could hurt your…reputation.”

“No, it could put us in jail.” He stated matter-of-factly, and the cold must make him more sassy or annoyed or something. You didn’t have time for this. You sighed, crossing your arms, “That’s exactly why you should wait in the car. I promise I’ll be quick. I’ll grab my stuff and come.”

He let out a forced laugh, and there was a shiver in his voice, “What are you talking about?”

“I’ll be quick,” You reassured him. He stared at you, deadpan, “You’re not going in there by yourself.”

You frowned at his displaced concern, “It’s just an art school, Hyunjin, nothing’s going to harm me in there”

He glanced up at the towering building that did look kind of ominous right now, “You don’t know that. I’m not taking any chances.”

You felt frustrated because he was only protesting and not offering any solutions, “Well, you’re not stopping me, Hyunjin.”

“No, I’m coming with you.” 

“What?” You scoffed, “I’m breaking in. If somebody finds out, you’re going to get into trouble—” 

“I don’t care.” He interrupted you harshly and then took a breath, repeating, “I don’t care if I get into trouble. I’m not letting you go in there by yourself.” 

Your eyes widened, watching him. Did he really not think of the consequences? He spent all his life protecting his public image, and now he was willing to risk it for you? His words sent an unpleasant feeling down your spine. He cared. He cared about you to the point that he was okay with being caught. That was a new kind of feeling you couldn’t process. All this while, you’d prioritised Hyunjin’s needs and the consequences in his life because he was so much more important than you. This was new.

“Are you sure?” You asked. He glanced at the building and then around the abandoned parking lot as if he was seriously reconsidering this absurd request. You saw the hesitation in his posture, his lips parting as if to say no he was only joking, and he would never do something as stupid as this. Then his eyes landed on yours. They flickered over your face, the cold in his gaze melting into strange tenderness, “Of course I’m sure. I can’t let you go alone.”

“Fine.” You nodded, breath coming out in a cold puff, “We should be quick.” He followed you to the back of the building, the big glowing EXIT sign, and the notice that read, ‘This is not an entrance. Please use front door access’

You sucked in a breath for good measure, pushing the door open, and when no immediate alarms rang, you stepped in. Hyunjin followed you into the darkness, and you switched on your phone's flashlight to guide you. You were still shivering. There was no heating in here, and he asked, “Now what, Y/N?”

“My class is on the top floor,” You whispered, just in case someone was in the stairwell.

“I’m guessing we can’t use the elevator?” He deadpanned. You gripped the handrail, “Yeah. Using the elevator’s too risky. If someone’s still in the building, they’d realise.”

“This painting must be really important to you.” He spoke, following you up the stairs into complete darkness. The Atelier was fancy, but this stairwell…was not. It was industrially exposed, the sound of a loud generator buzzing and a flickering light above you. There was a constant banging sound that you guessed was from the pipes in the wall. You tried not to overthink this situation, where Hyunjin was breaking and entering with you in your dream academy. Each little sound was putting you on edge. You heard him mutter, “This is really creepy.”

Over your shoulder, you peeked at him. He had his flashlight turned on too, and it shone into his face, dark shadows over his jaw and lips. “Are you afraid?” You asked. He shook his head, “Let’s just get this over with, Y/N.”

You climbed the rest of the floors in silence, preserving your voice and breath. It was still freezing in here, and you did feel bad that you’d dragged him along for this. But out of everything, this was the least he could do. Even though you wouldn’t admit it, you probably wouldn’t have had the courage to come here alone, not after what happened the other night with Jieong. You were glad he insisted to come with you, even if you never would have expected him to in a million years. Finally, you reached the landing for the highest floor and stopped to catch your breath. There was a door marked ‘Rooftop Access’, that led to the greenhouse-studio. 

“Do we exit here?” He asked, reaching out to the knob. As he pulled the door open, light flooded the stairwell from outside. The lights in the studio were usually always turned off, but if they were on.… The cogwheels in your brain clicked just in time.

“Stop!” You whisper-yelled, grabbing him by the coat and pulling him back towards you. He stumbled, losing his balance in the dark and you steadied him. He braced himself against the wall, unintentionally pressing you to it.

“What are you doing?” He whispered, eyes wide.

“The lights were still turned on. That means someone’s in there.” You breathed, heart racing fast. You could have easily been caught. You weren’t really worried for yourself because you had nothing to lose, but Hyunjin…you really didn’t want to get him into trouble, even if he was completely okay with the consequences. He squeezed his eyes shut, “Oh. Okay”

He stepped away from you, and you could hear his heartbeat. “You scared me” He mumbled, after a while. He reached up to fix his messy hair, moving it out of his eyes. “I didn’t know you were scared of the dark, Hyunjin.” You mumbled. He narrowed his eyes at you, “I’m not. I’m…scared of people yanking my arm suddenly in confined spaces.”

“I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?” You touched his arm, brushing over the coat, wondering if you’d grabbed him too hard. Had you bruised him? He didn’t stop you, as if he enjoyed being fawned over and then spoke, “So what is our plan? Are we going to stand in the stairwell forever? I thought you were in a hurry to get to the station.”

“We’re waiting for them to leave, whoever it is” You mumbled, crossing your arms as you leaned against the wall to rest, “I don’t want to run into anybody.”

“What if they decide to stay here the entire night?”

“They won’t. It must be a janitor. They’ll leave soon. Nobody even comes in after hours. The other night when I was—” You cut yourself short, not wanting to tell Hyunjin about the events of that night. He picked up on it though, tilting his head, “When you were what?”

You cleared your throat, “Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

His lips pursed, but he didn’t question further. Suddenly, you heard footsteps. Hyunjin’s head whipped to the door, then to you, “Are they coming in here?”

Clearly he was still scared of being caught, despite all the talk of not giving a shit about the consequences. In panic, you pressed your finger to his lips, “Can you please be quiet?”

He instantly shut up, not that he had a choice with you shushing him like this anyway. His lips were soft to your fingertips, and you stared at each other in the low light of your flashlight. The footsteps sounded again, and you heard the elevator ding. Whoever was in the studio had just left. You were in the clear. 

You retracted your hand, his saliva sticking to your fingers, and if it had been anybody else, you would have wiped it off immediately because that was gross. But with him…you didn’t care. You’d lick your own fingers to taste him, if he wasn’t standing right here. The thought crossing your mind was insane and you felt annoyed at yourself for trudging into that territory again. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with you the last time you met, and the time before that, and before that. Why were you so fucking weak around him? All your frustrations with him couldn’t seem to damper the attraction you felt. “They’re gone now” You mumbled, hoping to sound as emotionless and detached as you aspired to be, wiping your hand on your coat, and Hyunjin noticed that, his cheeks tinging pink.

“Let’s go” He slowly followed behind you into the elevator lobby, where the massive glass doors led to your studio. He looked confused, “I thought we were going to a classroom”

“Yeah. We are.” You replied curtly, pushing open the doors and walking onto the metal walkway. Plants drowned you on both sides, and your company's only telltale sound was his winter boots loud on the metal grate. Hyunjin was looking around in awe, he didn’t say anything, but his eyes would always give him away. He was awestruck. A small part of you was satisfied. You’d been dreaming of this reaction ever since you’d joined these classes. At least you got to see it before you left. He reached out, touching the petals of a dozen different flowers as you passed them, until you entered the studio space. You used to feel so much joy stepping in here. But it had always been coupled with sadness too —you’d been moving on from Hyunjin in this very space, and here he was, none the wiser. 

“Shit. This is your classroom?” He stepped into the centre, doing a full circle, head tilted up to the glass ceilings. The view was so pretty at night, revealing the beauty of the lit-up skyscrapers. The famous city lights that Hyunjin loved. 

“Yeah.” You nodded, walking over to the storage cupboards. You tried not to think of Kim Jieong and what had happened the last time you were here. You had a mission, a singular focus, and you ripped open the cabinets, rifting through them to look for your painting. It was a massive canvas, but maybe somebody had rolled it up and put them here. There was no way they’d throw it away, right? You’d been working on it so deliberately. They’d have to know it wasn’t trash. Kim Jieong wouldn’t do that to you either. But after looking through every cupboard, your heart sank. There was nowhere else it could be. Maybe he did throw out your artwork, because none of the paintings you’d made in the last few months were here. Shockingly, it seemed you knew nothing of him. 

In defeat, you leaned against the desk, staring into the empty cupboard. You…had just wanted your unfinished canvas, as a stupid souvenir or something to take home with you so your time here didn’t feel wasted. You’d poured so much energy, hours of research and experience behind it. It was the first art piece in the city you’d genuinely been excited about, and now it was just…gone. Like it never existed in the first place, and you’d only been gone a week but it felt like you were already being erased.

A short laugh interrupted you. You turned to see Hyunijn bent over a telescope that looked out into the city, “This…is a dream. Holy shit.”

“I’m glad you like it” You mumbled, fiddling with your coat as you stayed in place. At least someone was having a good time. He glanced at you, cheeks red, and stood up straight, “This…is the coolest art studio I’ve ever been in.”

“Yeah. It is pretty cool”

“The range of this thing…is insane. I actually think I can see a planet from here” He spoke, focusing on the telescope again. It was cute, his tall frame bent over the telescope that was meant for much shorter people. He was so easily excited about things, like he had forgotten you’d broken into this building, and that you’d been arguing with each other less than an hour ago. It reminded you of how fixated he would get on the things he loved. 

“A planet? Wow…” You mumbled.

“Do you ever use it in class?” He asked, excitement in his tone.

“No…I never got the chance to.” Your voice dropped, trailing off at the what-ifs and your missed opportunities. You were running away from the place you’d dreamed of for so long. All because of a stupid man. It wasn’t fair to you. Nothing about this was fair. Why had you worked so hard for it to be thrown away? He blinked at you, as if he noticed the sadness in your voice, “Do you want to?”

“I don’t really know how it works.” You swallowed, staring at the empty cabinets, and your heart felt so heavy, like a huge weight was pressing down on it, and you couldn’t breathe right. All of the anxiety bubbled up in your throat, filling your lungs with it too. Your lip quivered, a tremble traveling through your spine, and the heaviness in your chest was only getting worse as reality set in. You were never going to be in here again. So much for chasing that dream.

“Come here.” Hyunjin’s soft voice broke your avalanche of despair. You sucked in a breath, hoping any tears would disappear and glanced at him. He stood against the large floor-to-ceiling window, hands around the telescope, the city as his majestic backdrop. You didn’t want to protest. This was your last night in the city, you might as well indulge in it. You walked over to him, and each step felt like so much effort, your boots loud in the quiet room.

“Stand over here” He said, his voice low but filled with excitement. “Did you forget we’re in the middle of committing a crime right now?” You couldn’t help but say, wondering if it’d snap him back to reality, if he would stop being such a romantic. His lip curled up into a smile, and Hyunjin was so pretty in the moonlight, voice dropping into a secret, “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

God. His words sent chills down your body, momentarily displacing that heaviness. A secret night with him. The temptation was screaming. You stepped up to the telescope, bending down to the eyepiece. Hyunjin grabbed your hands without hesitation, placing them in the proper position on the metal tube. His voice was tender as he explained, “Now, put your hands here, and try to look through the eyepiece in that direction.”

Had you completely derailed from the plot? Your train home was in a few hours. Each second being here was literally a crime. Still, you indulged him, squinting to see where he’d pointed it. You could only see black and perhaps you weren’t special enough to see magnificent things such as celestial planets. You felt frustrated, trying really hard to see, but it was a big blob of nothing.

“Do you see it?” He asked, voice a whisper. You saw nothing of significance. 

“No…never mind.” You breathed, standing up straight with disappointment. “Wait…” He spoke, quick to want to fix it, “Can I…?”

You shrugged, not understanding what he was asking. He grabbed you by the waist, adjusting you slightly. His hand curled around your thick coat, and you wished he was touching your skin. He was so close to your body. Your breath was stuck in your throat, and then he said, “Can you try now? Bend down again.”

You followed his instructions like they were the words of god. You tried not to fog up with the eyepiece with your breath and to focus on the view, but Hyunjin was touching you and standing behind your body, so how could you possibly focus? You mumbled, “I just see…a big white spot.”

“That’s it” He whispered, leaning down, his mouth brushing against your ear, “That’s Jupiter, Y/N.”

Your eyes widened in surprise, and you gripped the tube tighter for a better hold, “But it’s just a speck of light…”

He chuckled, breath warm on your ice-cold skin, “I know, we’re so far away from it, but it’s bigger than we can ever imagine. You see those two circles in the centre? Those are the cloud belts.”

“I see them.” You spoke, suddenly feeling so small. It was so huge, a real-life planet, and from here it was just a speck in the sky. Your place in the world felt even more trivial. It was so majestic. You tried to imagine all the pictures of Jupiter you’d seen, placing them into this context. Hyunjin’s hand was still on your waist, not that you could feel it much through the clothes, only a ghost of a touch. You straightened up, and he left his grip on you as you asked, “How do you know so much about this?”

He shrugged, like it was no big deal, “I’ve been doing some reading. We’re lucky the snow stopped. Usually, nothing is visible. The lights and cloud cover are too much.”

You stepped away from the telescope, wondering where he found the time to read up about this between his very busy life, “I see.”

He had a hint of a smile, “What did you think? It’s surreal, right?” 

It was. It was so beautiful.... 

You suddenly felt sick to your stomach, “My painting isn’t here. We should go.”

The smile on his face dropped, and he nodded, voice returning to a normal octave, “Right. Where do you think it could be?”

“I don’t know” You sighed, and the weight on your chest was back, and you couldn’t look at him right now, “I checked everywhere. They probably threw it out. I should just go to the station, it’s getting late.”

“Oh. Right.” His voice sounded hollow. You didn’t want to leave him. But he wasn’t even here, was he? He was just…doing you a favour, and then he’d go back to not wanting you in his life. 

“I can…help you look for the painting” He suggested, “Couldn’t it be in other places? We can check the rest of the building.”

“No, it’s gone. We came here for nothing. Please, let’s just leave.”

His shoulders dropped in disappointment, “This studio is beautiful. I’d…actually do anything to have a space like this to paint in, feels like I’d never run out of inspiration.” 

You stared at him, wondering what point he was trying to make now. Then he said, “Why do you want to leave this, Y/N?” 

You didn’t answer him, a horrible twisting in your gut, and glanced at the exact spot you’d been standing when Kim Jieong cornered you against the table, making all kinds of suggestions to you. You felt sick to your core again.

“It’s not because of me, right?”

You looked at him, feeling overwhelmed, and suddenly, the weight wasn’t pushing down but pulling you instead. You felt like you were drowning, lungs crushing with the force of being dragged down and you had tunnel vision, overwhelmed with everything, “What?”

“You’re leaving. Is it…because of me?” His voice was low, and his words were not helping. You couldn’t tell if Hyunjin was drowning you, or savi you right now.

A lump formed in your throat, forbidding you from speaking as you processed those words. Were you leaving the city behind because of him? Maybe. He was a big part of it, but you’d never run away from Hyunjin. You’d chase him forever if you could. How could he even think that it was cause of him? You bit your lip, “If it was because of you, I’d be gone a long time ago, Hyunjin.”

You turned to leave, and Hyunjin’s next words echoed through the large room, “Please don’t go.”

Your eyes widened at his…blatant, crude request. He’d done nothing but push you away. How could he ask you to stay?

“I know… I’m the last person who has the right to ask you to stay, but… there’s so much for you here. I know you would love it.”

You turned to face him, “Like…what?”

It’s like he didn’t expect you to actually humor him, and he blurted, tripping over his words, “You can’t leave without having seen Christmas. Everything’s…a blanket of snow, and it’s lit up, and the city lights…are so beautiful, Y/N. You can’t miss that. You can’t not see them.”

You swallowed the lump in your throat, and you wanted to cry at this. What kind of reasoning was this? Hyunjin was asking you to stay, and you must be dreaming, right? 

“Christmas is really far away, Hyunjin…”

He took another step closer, more confident like he'd found his reasoning now, “I know, but it’ll be so worth it. It’s my favorite time of the year. You’ll fall in love with it too. It seems like you hate this place, and it feels like my fault, but there is so much for you here. I’ve only been back a few months and I’ve already seen a hundred things you would love. You would appreciate them more than anybody, and I’ve thought of you every time. You belong here, not…in that town back home.”

It was so tempting, especially when he said it like that. “I can’t stay, Hyunjin”

He stepped even closer, “Why?” He asked, a desperation slipping through. He cared so much. You wish he had shown it before. It didn’t matter now. Things had immeasurably changed, in this very room. You had been trying so hard to not feel the weight of everything, but it was impossible. Not when he was looking at you like that.

The dam broke.

A single tear at first.

Then a sob. “Hyun…”

Immediately, without any question or hesitation, he closed the distance between you and pulled you into his arms. 

His touch brought on a wave of tears. You wrapped your arms around his neck, burying your face in his chest, pitiful sobs bubbling to the top. For the longest time, he just held you in his embrace and you cried. All you could register was his hold on you, and his heart racing against your ear. He squeezed you tightly, hugging you to him to pull you even closer to his body, “Please tell me what’s wrong.”

“He…he tried to—” You sniffled, unable to form the words.

“What?” He tensed in your grip. He clearly hadn’t expected to hear anything of that sort, but his hand still ran circles over your back, “Who did what?”

“Kim…Jieong.” You mumbled, eyes squeezed shut in his chest, not wanting to burden him with this knowledge but your throat felt clogged with emotion that you couldn’t contain within yourself anymore, “He…said I could convince him”

You were aware that you made no sense, but it was enough for him to understand. Hyunjin pulled back, hands holding your shoulders as he looked at you, and his eyes were wide, “What? Did he touch you?”

“No…” You sniffled, lip trembling, “He…just…”

Hyunjin’s hand came up to your face, holding your chin unbeknownst that your professor had tried the same. You were only filled with terror when Kim Jieong did that, but right now…you felt the safest in the world. Your face was hot, his hand was warm on you. His thumb wiped your tears, the other hand holding your face tight, “What did he do?”

You shook your head, vision blurry from the tears in your lash line, and you had no idea how to explain this, “Hyunjin. I… don’t even know how to deal with this.”

“You don’t have to. That’s what I’m here for.” He said. You looked up at him, eyes blown wide, “What do you mean?”

He took in a breath, still holding you strongly, as his thumbs gently wiped the tears streaking down your face, and his soft gesture was a stark contrast to his next words, “Tell me what he did. I’m going to talk to that piece of shit.”

“No, you can’t. I…I don’t have any proof, Hyunjin and I don’t even know if he was trying something—” You trailed off, struggling with your words but he wasn’t even listening. He was staring into the distance, “I have to go talk to him.”

“What?”

He started walking out. What the fuck was he doing? You ran after him, tugging at his arm, “What are you talking about? It’s the middle of the night.”

He turned to you, his eyes were dark, and his jaw was clenched. and there was more emotion in his face than you’d seen in the past hour as he said, “He…he fucking touched you. He can’t… do that.”

“Oh my god, you can’t go after him” 

“Why?” He asked, eyes searching yours. You weren’t equipped to deal with whatever anger he held in him. It seemed like Hyunjin had quickly forgotten who he was in this world. A world-famous celebrity who definitely couldn’t go after a renowned artist, especially not at this time of night. As much as you appreciated the gesture, it wasn’t thought out at all, and it pissed you off, “You don’t even know what happened, Hyunjin!”

“It doesn’t matter. I know enough.”

“Can you please just…calm down?” Your eyes widened, regret soaring through you, “I…I knew I shouldn’t have told you. It was a mistake.”

He frowned, stepping closer to you, “Fuck. Don’t… don’t say that. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want you to react. I just wanted you to listen.” You said. He let in a deep breath, like he was physically calming himself down, running his hands over his face, “Okay. I am listening. I just…need a second.”

You could see the anger surging through him, and you mumbled, “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, I’m…not thinking straight. I’m sorry, I just…”

“I should never have brought you here. I could have been on the train home already. You were right, okay? I am running away.” You admitted, lip trembling, “I’m sorry.”

His voice softened at your state, “What are you apologizing for? Stop. You didn’t do anything wrong”

“Yeah.” You mumbled, staring at the floor, and you realised you’d have to tell him the whole truth now, because you’d stupidly brought it up. You wiped at your face with your sleeve, but he reached into his coat pocket, handing you a tissue, “Let me…”

“You…carry tissues with you?” You vaguely registered through your clouded judgement, wiping your face. He was quiet for a minute, and you tried to collect yourself. You were embarrassed, and your face was burning hot from crying, and from the shame, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cry…I ruined your coat.”

“Come here…” He led you to the nearest table, pulling you to sit next to him. He hesitated before reaching out, hand on your back as he spoke, “I’m sorry for reacting. I…I didn’t expect to hear that, but you can’t understand how this makes me feel. I know you don’t want to talk about it but I’m going to drive myself crazy if you don’t tell me what happened.”

He was right, and you probably would have reacted worse if someone had hurt Hyunjin. You would have lost your mind. You had thrust this information upon him unwillingly, and he did deserve to know the truth of it. Now that you tried to recall it, most of it felt like blanks in your mind and you muttered, “There’s an art scholarship that we were told about. It was a big one. If we won, it would pay for the rest of our year, and we could present our work in this gallery. It was supposed to be a huge honor. I was working on a painting for it the other night. I was here by myself…and…Jieong saw me working. I don’t…know how it led to that. I don’t remember most of it, but he said he liked that I was… desperate.”

“What?” Hyunjin interrupted you. You swallowed, “He said that I was desperate to be liked and respected and that I could go a lot of places in the world, if I…convinced him somehow. That all I had to do was ask him…and my dreams could come true.”

He scoffed, “By sleeping with him?”

“I don’t know. I left after that.” You mumbled, staring at the floor, “I was really confused.”

“He hurt you?”

You shrugged, a fresh wave of tears springing up, “No…at least not physically”

His hand reached out to yours, “I’m…really sorry that happened, Y/N.”

You pulled your hand back before he could touch it. You weren’t here tonight to seek Hyunjin’s comfort. You were just offering him an explanation so he wouldn’t be left in the dark after you were gone. You said, “But nothing even happened, Hyunjin. Nothing I can prove anyway. Except that he’s cancelled my scholarship.”

“He can’t do that” He said. You mumbled, “I missed out on an entire week of classes. He…has valid reason now.”

“Did you tell anyone?” He asked, “Any of your friends from class?”

As if having this conversation once wasn't embarrassing enough. You didn't plan to tell anybody else about it. It would be a secret you'd take to the grave. If you told people, all they'd question was your obsession to come here in the first place. After all, why would a married man come on to you at all, risking his career? You must have come on to him -- at least that's what everyone would think. You shook your head, “Nope…Just…you.”

“I’m…sorry that this happened. I wish I could…do something to help.” He spoke. You looked at him, unable to comprehend that he was being kind to you again. He was so tender and caring right now, but how long could this really last? The last time he was this tender was in the storage closet, and he’d kissed you so passionately and then immediately cut you off. Wasn’t this compassion just temporary? You stepped away from him, running a hand over your face to wipe away the dried tears, “Yeah. No biggie.”

He noticed the change in your demeanor, dropping his hands to his lap, but said nothing of it. You stared at the place where Jieong had tried to make a move, and where your canvas had been. You wish you hadn't come here that night at all, then you could have been blissfully unaware of his behaviour and stayed happy. The longer you stayed here, the sicker you felt. 

“We should talk about this in my car.” Hyunjin said, offering his hand to you again. You stared at his soft palm and inviting touch, but you didn’t take it. If the rejection hurt him, he didn’t show it. You just hugged yourself, “Okay”

You followed him into the elevator lobby, about to head for the stairwell again, but he pressed the button for the elevator. You frowned, “We can’t go out the front door. If they see you—”

“I really don’t give a shit about that right now” He spoke, pushing a hand through his hair, and you noticed how tense he was, “If they catch me, I’d have a lot to talk to them about anyway.”

“But… this is not worth it.” You spoke, as the elevator doors opened. He took in a breath, facing away, running another hand through his hair, you realised he always did that when he was nervous, “I just… can’t believe they let an artist like that work with them.”

You steadied yourself against the elevator wall, as the floors went by. The doors opened into the lobby. You prayed that nobody was in there. No matter how much Hyunjin didn’t care, you didn’t want to cause a scene and you definitely couldn’t handle jeopardizing his job. If anybody saw you two… they could call the cops and he couldn’t afford to be put under scrutiny. It would risk his career and everything else that mattered. Uncaring of this, he stepped into the lobby, footsteps loud as he walked towards the front door. You followed, looking around and thankfully, the front desk was empty. The odds were in your favor, perhaps. He almost looked disappointed that there was nobody to confront as you exited the building. He was walking so fast, and you struggled to keep up as you made your way to the parking lot. Once you were sitting inside his car, you asked him, “You’re not going to do anything stupid, right?”

“I don’t know. He…needs to be fired. He can’t just get away with what he did to you. Once he gets fired, they’ll put in a new teacher, and…you can continue the classes. And for what they’ve put you through, they should grant you a new scholarship anyway, no questions asked. He should be the one to leave, not you.”

Before you could think about his words, your phone on the console buzzed, and you both glanced at it. He read it the same time as you. There was a text from Felix. have you made it to the train station yet, baby?

Hyunjin looked up at you, eyes that were suddenly devoid of anger, but…a new desperation, “Do you…still want me to take you?”

You swallowed, suddenly feeling the weight of everything on your shoulders again. Your suitcases were packed and waiting in the trunk. Your train was booked. You’d made your decision. You stared at the window, “Your…plan sounds fine Hyunjin, but… I’m not important enough for them to fire their biggest artist ever. Nothing good can come out of me staying here with that false hope.”

His eyes flickered over your features before turning away. He started the engine, and said nothing, pulling out of the driveway. You tried to gather your emotions, watching the snow piled up by the sides of the street. Your first and last snow here. You imagined being home already. It would help so much. Felix, Minho and all your friends. You'd go back to working at the art shop. Maybe you could pay a grand and enroll in the classes at the Chateau, and practice art under Seungmin. Nothing would come out of it but at least you’d be occupied. Some people weren’t built for greatness, and you could be okay with that, unlike the boy next to you. Hyunjin suddenly spoke, hands gripping the wheel tightly, “It’s not false hope. Something like this can have serious repercussions. You should’ve told me the second he did that. He would already be out of his job by now.”

He was redirecting the conversation to him, when it was about you. Your head hurt at this faux chivalry. Did he really even care about Jieong or did he just want someone to pin his anger on? You stared at him, “I don’t even have your fucking phone number, Hyunjin.”

He stopped the car, bringing it to the side of the road. You hadn’t reached your destination yet, and you were in the middle of a random neighbourhood. You stared at him, unsure of what was going through his mind, “What are you doing?”

He reached into his coat pocket, took out two identical phones and handed one to you, “I was going to give you this tonight.”

You grabbed it from him, “What is this?”

“It’s…a phone with my number on it” He said, looking right ahead, “I bought it for you.”

Your brows raised, “You…bought me a phone?”

“And this one…” He lifted his own identical phone, which also seemed brand-new, “This is mine. The only thing on it… is your number.”

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s so we can talk to each other” He turned to face you, “And nobody can trace it back to us, The phone isn’t connected to anything else, except…to each other.”

You blinked, trying to process this, “Oh”

He looked frustrated as he spoke, “I know what I said to you last time. I know that I said we can’t be in each other's life, but… I’m trying my real hardest to find a fucking way around it. What I did and said was uncalled for. I realize that…it hurt you, but you have to cut me some slack, Y/N. I’m…really trying to figure it out.”

“I’ve cut you more slack than I ever would with somebody who’s made it absolutely clear they don’t want me around them” You blinked. He sighed, “I’m sorry. I understand that what I said hurt you, and…I really didn’t mean to. You know me, Y/N, better than anyone in my life and…I would never want to hurt you like that.”

“Then why did you say all those things…?”

He let out a sigh, turning to look at you, “I was only thinking about myself. I guess… I was running away too.”

You stared at him, the irony of tonight striking you. You were blaming him for what he’d done, when you were now doing the exact same thing.

All the fight died down in you.

“We’re more alike than I thought.” He mumbled. Maybe now you could finally understand where he came from. The urge to shut down and cut everybody out had felt far too tempting. You glanced at him, holding the phone tight in your hands. This could be the last time you saw him. He’d never come to Daejon, and you couldn’t afford to come back here. Was this really it? The last time you ever saw Hyunjin. A new emotion overwhelmed you, and you weren’t ready to say goodbye so soon. “Can you please just tell me something before I go?”

His hands rest on the steering wheel, and it seemed like he’d already given up on convincing you to stay. His question came out defeated, “What do you want to know?”

You stared at his side profile, “How did you get the pictures? The ones from the booth.”

“I…went back.” He responded, not questioning the randomness of what you’d just said. You were confused, “What? Went back here?”

His hands tightened on the steering wheel, “Later that night, I went back to the summer carnival. After you’d already left. When we were in the booth, I deleted our pictures before they could be printed, but…they were still saved to the database. The machines have a backup server, they keep the data for a few hours before it’s overwritten.”

“How was that even allowed?”

“The guy that works there, I…asked him for a favor…and he obliged because well, it’s stupid…”

“Tell me.” You breathed, itching to know the story you’d been wondering for so long. His lip curled up into a reminiscent smile, “I promised to sign this album for his little sister. She really liked our band. Anyway, the guy, he let me access the backup, and…I printed them out.”

Your heart jumped at all of this effort, “Why did you do all of that after deleting them?”

He swallowed, “I changed my mind. I told you, Y/N…I wanted to remember that moment. I needed to.”

You looked away into your lap, “Oh…well…thank you for putting them in my sketchbook, but I’m sorry… I lost the pictures.”

“You what?” He looked at you. You breathed, feeling guilty, “They got ruined…so you did all of that for nothing.”

“Oh.”

There was no way for you to get them back. The summer carnival was long over, and the pictures were erased. It was strange how you two talked about them, clinging to a memory that was long gone, and he never questioned you and why you wanted them. He didn’t question why you were so fixated on them or what they could possibly mean to you. Hyunjin nodded, eyes glazing over you as if he lost deep in thought, “How did they get ruined?”

“They got wet in the rain.” You swallowed. He still seemed shocked at your previous statement, “So…you had them with you? I thought that you would throw them away, after we stopped talking…I thought you hated me.”

“You know me. I hold on to things stupidly, even if I was mad at you. Anyway, not that it matters now…” You shrugged. He nodded, like he was still in his head, and then he reached into his back pocket and took out his wallet. He opened it, pulling out a strip. Your eyes widened. 

He had them. In his wallet.

“You made a copy?” You couldn’t believe it. He let out a laugh, saying, “I went to a lot of effort for these, Y/N. Do you really think I wouldn’t have made a copy?”

“And… they’re in your wallet.” You realised. He swallowed, “Yeah”

“Have they been in your wallet this whole time?”

He blinked, “Yeah. In hindsight, it was a really stupid decision because if I ever lost it, anybody could have seen these. Guess I haven’t been thinking straight, but…you can have my copy”

You delicately grabbed it from him, and it was only worth a few coins but you handled it like it was worth millions. It was a treasured memory. A moment when you’d given in to each other completely, and you had been so happy then. You'd give anything to have those secret moments again, even if they stayed a secret forever. Nothing had felt as rewarding as his lips on yours, making you feel like he wanted you just as bad.

His copy was wrinkled, like he’d taken it in and out of his wallet a million times to look at it. Your copy used to be pristine, it stayed in your sketchbook but his…it was tattered with use. There were folds after every image, and you slowly moved your fingers over them. Your voice was soft, “Have you really changed your mind?”

“About what?” He asked, curiously. You looked at him, “You showed up at my doorstep. It must have been…for something.”

“I changed my mind about a lot of things…” He spoke, the dim streetlights reflecting in his eyes. Curiosity overwhelming you, your voice was a whisper, “You said you were running away too. What made you stop?”

In the darkness of the car, the shadows on his face were intense, and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he said, “That night in the car. You said that… all this time you haven't been okay, and that you still aren’t and I couldn’t stop thinking about that. You said you didn’t know the real me, and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Who I was in Daejon, that’s…the best version of me, and it took me a really long fucking time to realize that. It was an asshole move that I did. I know I apologized to you, but I wanted to do it again tonight. I’m…really fucking sorry for pushing you away, Y/N. I should have just explained what was going on.” He paused, “But…I guess I’m too late since you’re leaving anyway, right?”

You looked away from him to the snow on his windshield, “Yeah, what will I do in Seoul anyway?”

“He should be the one that’s scared of you, not the other way around”

“Why would he be scared of me?”

“Because you can literally ruin him, and his career. Who knows if you’re the first person he did this to?”

“Well, clearly nobody spoke up against him yet. He’s a legend. Nothing I say will change that, and I…really don’t want to deal with the repercussions of this. I just…want to stay away from it and pretend it never happened.”

He sighed, “I have to tell you about Karina”

“What?” You looked at him.

“She’s…a friend, I guess. A couple of months ago, I asked her if she could get me in touch with Jieong. I wanted to talk to him for you, but she said she isn’t on good terms with him. Something about the way she said it makes me think that she’s been through something similar, like you, and that’s not fair. He doesn’t just get to do that and still have a fucking platform where people worship him.”

Frustration crawled from your chest, “What am I supposed to do about that, Hyunjin?”

He squeezed the steering wheel, “I don’t know, but I’ll help you figure it out. You’ve wanted to come to the city your entire life, you even hid it from your friends, you worked every summer for it. You can’t just give that up so easily. You have to stay.”

“Stay and do what, Hyunjin?”

He turned to face you, shifting closer in the little space, and his voice was quaking with nervousness, staring right into your eyes, “I don’t know. We’ll figure that out too, but…I know you, and this isn’t you. What you did, coming here all by yourself, getting into the program, that wasn’t easy. You did something most people can only dream of, and I know I didn’t express myself well, and that I should have told you sooner but I’m… I’m so fucking proud of you. My first few years here, the only reason I could survive was the members but you…you did that all by yourself. But… you’re not alone, not anymore. If you want to report Jieong, I’m going to help you. If you don’t want to do that, I’ll respect your choice.” He swallowed to breathe, lip trembling, “If you want to stay away from that drama, I’ll understand, but please…please don’t stay away from me.”

Your eyes widened, hearing his plea, and your heart was beating so loud you feared it’d burst out of your chest. Your gaze searched his, and all you saw was honesty and…fear. 

For the first time ever, you recognized the look on his face. 

He was scared of losing you. 

He had flown all the way here just to say this to you, and despite how horrible everything seemed…he was here with you. Your heart was shaking, unable to comprehend this side of Hyunjin, and you found yourself saying, “Tell me about the Christmas lights.” 

His eyes lit up, “They… they’re beautiful. They cover the whole city with them, it looks like a dream and…you have to see it. If not for long, at least stay till then, and…you can make your decision after that.”

Your eyes flickered over his form, and the desperation in his face that made your heart beat faster than it had in a while, “Okay.”

He let out a breath like he couldn’t believe your words, “Okay?”

“The lights better be worth it, Hyunjin.” You spoke, and he laughed, at your words in slight disbelief and relief. You felt a strange sense of relief too, as he drove you back.

»»————-

Hyunjin was in your apartment again. He helped you bring the suitcases up, and he was breathing heavy as he shut the door. The snow had stopped, but the temperatures had dropped more. He rubbed his hands together, blowing on them. Your apartment wasn’t much warmer, but it was still a relief to be indoors, after the long night you’d had. You looked at him from across the room, standing in your little kitchen, “Do you…want tea?”

He stood out so much in this little space. He looked at you, “I can make it for us.”

“No, that’s fine…” You declined his offer, turning to your cupboard to bring out the little box of specialty tea you’d procured from a nearby market. In your peripheral, he simply nodded, looking around the living room. You’d unknowingly put as much distance between the two of you. Him being in your space made you so nervous. Earlier, you were in such a rush, but now…he could actually see things for what they were. You’d ripped your art from the walls, but other traces of you were still here. Your little tray of knick-knacks on your coffee table, the fluffy pink blanket on your couch, and the little plants that decorated the space. You hadn’t bothered packing them up, and now you were glad you hadn’t because you wouldn’t want to redecorate all over again. He stood still near the door, taking everything in. 

“You can take your coat off.” You realised belatedly. He seemed uncomfortable in it, and it was wet from the snow. He looked at you, “Right. Okay.”

You’d taken yours off, and you stood in your white sweater. He slipped his coat off, and he wore a black turtleneck inside. He seemed so awkward. You were too. You knew that things wouldn’t just go back to normal, you couldn’t just pick up where you’d left off. Instead you watched the water in the pot boil, bubbles coming to the surface. 

“Have you been to Myeondong yet?” He suddenly asked. You looked at him, stirring the water, “Uh, not yet. What is it?”

“You haven’t? It’s a popular street here. They have a lot of shops, boutiques and food. They have really good street food. I think you’d like it.”

“Do you go often?” You asked, and stopped yourself from suggesting that perhaps he could take you. He replied, “No, it’s…too crowded. I can go but the company doesn’t recommend it.”

You nodded, turning back to the pot, glad you hadn’t asked only to be shut down by him. It was stupid to think otherwise, “Right. You need their permission. Do they know you’re here?”

You heard a soft sigh, and perhaps you’d offended him, “No… I know it doesn’t seem like that but we can still do whatever we want. It’s not like we’re under constant supervision…it just feels like that because they’re not the only ones watching us, we also have to worry about the media, about…anybody with a camera who might see me.”

“I saw Baekhyun at a club once.” You blurted. His eyebrows shot up, “You did?”

“Mmh. He was making out with two girls at the bar, and nobody really seemed to care” You elaborated. He nodded, “Yeah. He’s famous enough to get away with it.”

You bit back a scoff, “Get away with what…? Kissing? You make it sound like a crime, Hyunjin.” 

You were clearly more honest with him than you had been in the past, ridiculing all the crazy stupid standards of the industry he was a part of. Since when did people like him let a commercial, capitalist corporation decide how they live their lives? It irked you that Hyunjin gave into it so easily. Why didn’t he challenge it? Why was he just settling for it?

He seemed to have no response to your accusation, and instead said, “I thought you understood why things are the way they are.”

You did understand, at a point. When he kissed you for the first time, he had very kindly explained to you that he couldn’t let this become anything more. Yet it had. The phone he’d given you lay on the countertop, and you eyed it, “It seems like you really thought things through when getting me this phone. So what exactly happened…?”

“My managers found out about you.” He stated. You glanced at him, surprised how he said it so calmly when it had been his biggest fear, “What? How?”

“Yeah, they…overheard me and the boys at a party.” He said. You blinked, “You were talking about me at a party?”

“Be careful, the water’s going to boil over.” He stepped closer. You looked back at the pot, realizing this, and turned the stove off. He continued, “And yes. It was at the album release party. I called you that night”

“Oh” You recalled, and he had been drunk on the phone that night and you had wished to be next to him, “I remember…”

“So, anyway…they found out about you that night. It was my mistake…and they gave me a bunch of documents, and I don’t know I guess I kind of freaked out.” He came to stand opposite you, crossing his arms against his chest. His sweater was so tight on him and his arms bulged when he crossed them. You couldn’t help but notice.  It was tucked into his pants, a thick belt holding them up. You leaned against your kitchen counter, facing him, “What kind of documents?”

“A…press release statement, and an NDA.” He cleared his throat, “I guess they thought we were dating.”

“Oh. So is that what happened then? Why you acted the way you did?”

“Some of it. I didn’t want to involve you in any of that legal stuff, and they didn’t believe me when I said we were just friends. Things were spiraling with Chan and the others, not that it’s their fault, but I…I guess cutting you out felt like the easiest choice to make at the moment.”

You looked away from him, a pang resonating in your chest at those words, and bitterness filled you. Maybe it was a mistake calling him here. Maybe he should leave. He noticed the drop in your expression, “Did I say something wrong?”

“It was easy?” Your voice was hollow in the little apartment, heart-shattering at his admittance.

“What?”

You glanced at him, “Cutting me out was easy for you?”

He gulped, staring at you and his eyes burned through you, as his lips parted to say, “No, it was…the hardest thing I ever did.”

For some reason beyond your understanding, you believed him. Everything in you wanted to believe him. It was a genuine response.

“The tea,” You said, realizing you’d forgotten it. You wanted to ask him a lot more about how the past months had been in your absence, but you’d take it slow. This was a lot for one night. 

He stood up straighter, “Yeah.”

You turned around, reaching into your cabinet to take out two little mugs. You didn’t have much crockery, you hardly had people over much, and Hyunjin stepped up to help you. “Is everything you own pink?” He asked, taking the little mug from you.

You looked at him, embarrassed, “Just the mugs…”

“And the blanket…” He pointed out, looking at you. A little, teasing smile tugged at his lips. You fought your own smile, “Just drink the tea, okay Hyunjin?”

He nodded, smiling still, and poured the water into yours and his, levelling them the same. He dropped the tea bags in it, and handed it to you. You grabbed it from him, loving the warmth on your hands, “Oh. This is hot.”

He agreed, testing out a sip, “It’s nice. It was freezing outside”

You nodded, “You can sit, if you want.”

“No, that’s okay.” He shook his head and walked over to your kitchen window, bending down to peer out, “Do you keep it open always?”

“Yeah. I…like the sounds,” You told him, taking another sip, but you ended up burning your tongue, and you sighed, putting your mug away, “I heard you were in Japan. How was it?”

He had his hand out the window now, tracing the melted snowflakes that lay on the ledge, and he spoke, “Tiring, but…beautiful.”

“Kairi told me you were there for an award show?”

He turned to you again, snowflakes disintegrating in his palm, “We were”

“Did you win?”

He laughed, smiling at you, “Yeah. We won…a few. Album of the year.”

“That’s really nice.” You said, warmth blooming in your chest, “You deserved it, I’m sure.”

He laughed again, “You don’t even know who we were up against.”

“Well…” You traced a circle on the kitchen slab, “I don’t, but I heard your album. The day it came out. It was…really nice, Hyunjin.”

“Thank you. I didn’t know you listened to it.” He had a little smile as he spoke. His hair fell into his face, but some of it was tied up behind his head. Him standing with the tea in his hands, in the dim lighting of your kitchen, made him look like a dream.

Your phone buzzed, dragging both your attention to it. Felix was calling. 

“Uh, I should take this.” You told him. Hyunjin’s smile fell, giving way to another neutral expression and he just nodded, “I can head out, if you want me to.”

You looked at him. You wanted him to stay but…for what? Things were awkward, and you were so overwhelmed. Plus, it’d probably be a long call explaining to Felix that you’d actually decided to stay, and that you’d only panicked beforehand. You didn’t look forward to that conversation. Hyunjin was ready to go now though, and you wished he would stay. You wished he would once again ask you to stay. All of his passion from earlier had settled into…awkwardness, like he didn’t know what to do with himself after such a heavy confession, after begging you to stay. 

You spoke, “You haven’t finished your tea.”

He looked down at his mug, and he’d been drinking extra slow or maybe he’d poured more tea for himself just so he could stay here longer and find an excuse to talk to you, “But…Yongbok…”

Your phone kept buzzing, vibrating on the counter. You didn’t know what to say. He cleared his throat, “You should talk to him, he must be worried. I… think it’s best if I go, and I should be back at the dorm before morning. I don’t want to raise any suspicion. When I took the early flight here, I told the company it was because I was sick, so…they’d be expecting me to be at home.”

Your heart deflated, and you agreed, “That makes sense.”

There was such a strange bond. You could be angry at him all you wanted, but he was the only person you could be yourself around. The only one who brought you comfort, just by his mere presence, even if he said nothing. You had no idea what the two of you were right now, but you were warming up to him again, and things could almost be okay if this continued.

“But if you want me to stay here with you tonight, I can.” He added, “I don’t…want you to feel alone, not tonight.”

But what about every other night? You would always feel alone without him. Your eyebrows shot up at his suggestion, “I don’t know, Hyunjin. I…I don’t want to get you into trouble.”

He nodded, “You’re right. I should go. That’s probably the right thing to do.”

“Okay.” You swallowed. He put his mug away, unfinished tea, and then approached you, “If you…need something, my number is on that phone. You can call me, anytime. Don’t worry about disturbing me or anything.”

“Yeah. Okay”

He exhaled a breath, “I’ll see you soon, then. Goodnight.”

He was so close to you that you could smell the cologne, and you could smell him. His shampoo, or whatever it was. It smelled so good. You forced a smile at him, “Goodnight, Hyunjin.”

He walked to your living room, grabbed his coat, and slipped it on. 

You stood where you were, not wanting to be that close again, not trusting yourself with what you might do and regret. He looked at you from the door, “I’m…really sorry about what happened, with…Jieong, again. You don’t deserve that. Nobody does, but…yeah, I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s…not your fault.” You told him, the constantly buzzing phone not letting you think straight. 

“I know, but…I should have been there for you. I’m sorry about that too, but…call me if you need me, please.”

Your heart was crumbling, not being able to comprehend this. After all these months of sadness, was he really in your life again? None of this felt real. It was like a dream you’d conjured up to stop yourself from being so sad, but he was here, right now in your apartment. He turned the knob, and you blurted, “Wait—”

He looked back at you immediately, eyebrows raising in hope, “Yes?”

You stepped up, eliminating the distance between you, looking up at him, “Do you really mean it?”

His eyes searched yours, “Yeah.”

“You won’t get in trouble? If I contact you? What if…your managers find out about the other phone? Will you have to block me again?”

Hyunjin stared at you, and there was a determination in his eyes that you’d never seen, and a confidence, “They won’t find out.”

“If they do?”

He swallowed, gaze falling to your mouth briefly, “I’m willing to take that risk.”

“Oh.”

Your phone kept buzzing. He spoke, “You should really take that call. He would be worried.”

“You’re right.”

He glanced at you one last time, before leaving. 

You picked up your phone, voice shaky. You told Yongbok you’d decided to stay and when he asked you why, you didn’t know what to say. All your reasoning had blended into a mush of emotions and longing. Hyunjin must have said something really convincing back in the car, but you couldn’t remember what any of it was. You just knew that it had worked. You talked to him for the rest of the night. It was chilly and you should have gotten into bed, but you lingered in the kitchen for hours. It still smelt like him.

»»————-

You were woken up by a ringtone you didn’t recognise. Sitting up in bed, a heavy feeling settled in your chest. This had been happening for the past week. Each morning was compounded by sadness. As soon as you were conscious, you’d remember what happened with Jieong. Today, disorientation overtook the sadness. 

A phone was ringing. 

The ringtone…was a stupid silly love song that you were obsessed with back in Daejon. You reached for your laptop, pausing a rerun of The Vampire Diaries. You must have fallen asleep watching it, and you couldn’t comprehend what episode you were on now, having missed most of it in your asleep. Grabbing the blanket around your shoulders, you trudged to your living room, and sure enough, your new phone was buzzing. There was only one person who had this number. It was still baffling how Hyunjin bought you a flip fucking phone just so you could talk to him.

hyunjin hey, i just wanted to make sure it was working so i guess this is a test message you yea. its working. hyunjin oh im sorry. did i wake you up? you yup  hyunjin sorry…i hope you got enough rest. how did yongbok take it? you he was disappointed. he really wanted me to come home.

hyunjin i can imagine. did he ask why you changed your mind? you why? you want me to tell him that it was because of you? hyunjin it was? you i don’t know hyunjin. im still trying to figure it out. im kind of all over the place. hyunjin i understand

You stared at his texts, and this must have been the millionth time he had said sorry, but did he even know what he was sorry for? So much had happened in his absence, and it seemed like he had no idea what his loss had meant to you. Every conversation still felt like walking on eggshells, you didn’t know what he wanted from you now. Did he still have feelings for you? The night in the Atelier, he had said everything to get you to stay, yet nothing at the same time. All of his words were so carefully constructed for you, and you wish he’d been clear about what he wanted. Your heart was so fucking torn and confused. A part of you was still pushing Hyunjin away, and perhaps your anger was still lingering. But oh, you missed him so much.

He wanted you to see Christmas. You found yourself searching through search engines for pictures of Seoul during that festive time, and it sure looked beautiful and pretty, but it didn’t seem like a big enough deal. He must really love Christmas or something. You glanced over at your suitcases that lay at the edge of your bed, second-guessing everything when your phone began ringing, and you didn’t have the heart to ignore him. You crawled over to where it lay on the nightstand, and put the phone to your ear, listening quietly.

“Hey.” He spoke, a relief in his tone, “You picked up.”

You lied back down, pulling your covers over yourself, “I did.”

“What are you doing right now?” He asked. You stared at your ceiling, “I was watching a show…” You hadn’t been the most responsive tonight or this past few days. You were having trouble figuring out what this new relationship between you and Hyunjin meant. “You…haven’t unpacked?” He asked. You shrugged, “No. I’d prefer having it ready to go if I change my mind.”

There was a pause on the other end, “Right. Well, if you do plan on leaving, I hope you don’t do it in the middle of the night again. It’s not very practical.”

He was joking about it, but for some reason it made you smile, “Yup. I’ll be sure to wait until dawn next time.”

“Back when I was at the academy, I always had my suitcase packed up under my dorm bed, and I hid it there, just in case I needed to leave one night.”

“Why would you need to leave?” You frowned. He chuckled, harshly, “Um, training was hard. I almost quit…a lot of times.”

“Why was it hidden?” You sat up. It felt weird that you’d known him all this time but never known this. He laughed, “I was too nervous to admit I was scared. If I thought of quitting, it would make the other trainees think I was weak. I couldn’t let them see that. That’s the fastest way to be targeted.”

You heart hurt at the thought of a younger Hyunjin being scared, “You never told me that…”

“Yeah, it’s…something I don’t really like to talk about.”

“I’m sorry for making you think about it.” You bit your lip, feeling guilty for reminding you of a worse time. His tone was light to reassure you, “It’s not your fault. I guess seeing you the other night reminded me…of me.”

“Yeah. Why are you up at this time though?” You glanced at your bedside clock. He spoke, “I’m waiting for the guys to get home. They’re coming back from Bangkok tonight, and they have a late flight. I hope you’ve been getting enough sleep though.”

It was a strange feeling, knowing you and him were in the same city, unable to fall asleep. This was a first. You wish you could call him over, and maybe you could help each other fall asleep. Holding him would definitely help all your worries, and you could imagine how warm his body would be to cuddle. Would he even fit in your bed and on your cheap mattress, or would you have to be on top of each other? The thought made your heart squeeze. You were so tired of holding back all these thoughts, you wanted to be able to say them out loud. There was no point keeping these feelings to yourself, but for now, it didn’t seem appropriate for this new friendship you two were discovering. You swallowed your desires, saying, “I have to go to the Atelier this week to withdraw my application.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“What?” Yes. Yes. You wanted him with you all the time.

“I just thought that you might feel anxious, and…I can wait for you. If you ever feel uncomfortable, you can let me know and I’ll take you home.”

It was funny how he always knew the right thing to say, pushing all the right buttons that made your dopamine go batshit insane. It was funny that he was perfect for you, yet you still weren’t together.

“But you can’t even be seen in public with me.” You responded, and you hated thinking with your head and not your heart. He was quick to offer a solution, “I’ll…be in my car. It’ll be fine. Nobody will know I’m there.”

You chewed on your lip, considering your options, “You don’t have to go through all of that effort. It just sounds like an inconvenience for you to be there.”

There was silence on the other end, and Hyunjin spoke, “I don’t want you to be around Kim Jieong by yourself.”

“I’ll be fine.” The idea of Hyunjin accompanying you sounded tempting, but you couldn’t take responsibility for something like that. You’d caused him enough trouble in his life as is.

»»————-

Later that week, the receptionist of the Atelier was staring at you, a disapproving look on her face, “Are you sure? Once you input this request, you can’t change your mind.”  

“Yeah. I’m sure. I’m…positive” You spoke, hands flat on the front desk. She frowned, “You’re… positive that you want to withdraw your admission?”

The words sent a pang through your chest, a cruel reminder to your predicament, but you nodded, “Yeah.”

A familiar, comforting voice suddenly rang through the lobby, and you turned to see Jeonghan run up to you, a huge portfolio bag in hand. He was a sight for sore eyes. He looked so relaxed in his bucket hat and an oversized mint-green cardigan, with a smile on his face, “Y/N! Are you feeling any better?” …Right. He thought you were sick. He thought that’s the reason you hadn’t shown up to any classes. You smiled up at him. You hadn’t seen him in a while, “Yeah. Can you just give me a second? I’ll finish up here.”

“Sure. I'm just waiting for my friend anyway.” He nodded, slinging an arm around you, pulling you close. The receptionist blinked at you, unfazed by Jeonghan’s affectionate arrival, “And you’ve spoke to Mr. Jieong about this?”

“Yes, I’m sure he knows” You spoke, “Spoken to him about what?” Jeonghan asked, looking at you. You bit your lip, glancing up at him, “I… it’s not important”

He frowned, a sassy look on his face, “That’s not suspicious at all.”

“I can’t withdraw your admission unless you get your professor's signature" The receptionist said, handing you back your documents.

“I’m sorry, what?” Jeonghan laughed. You sighed, stepping away from the front desk and he tagged along, “I’m fucking tripping, right? Or did she just say you’re withdrawing your admission?”

You shrugged, staring at the documents in your hand, “I don’t know, I can’t afford it anymore. I have to talk to Jieong. Do you know where he is?”

“Probably in his office.” He said, “But are you not going to explain what’s going on?”

“I can’t get into it right now. Will you please come with me? I don’t want to be by myself.” You asked. He spoke without hesitation, “Of course I’ll come with you.”

You felt a different kind of terror and disappointment when you entered Jieong’s office. Jeonghan was right next to you, holding your hand and he didn’t even know what was happening but you were glad to have his support. Kim Jieong was hunched over his desk, looking through what seemed like portfolios, until he noticed the two of you walk in. He smiled brightly at you as if nothing had ever happened, “What brings the two of you in?”

You stared at him, figuring out what you could possibly say. Jeonghan’s hand was on the small of your back, and he squeezed you lightly as if encouraging you, and he said, “Just accompanying a friend.”

You looked at Jieong, and the way he sat like a king in his chair, and spoke, “I…needed your signature on something.”

“Nate. Do you mind if I speak to Y/N alone?” He asked, sending him a sweet smile. Jeonghan nodded, “Sure, of course.”

You could say nothing as he left you two alone. Jieong took off his glasses, staring at you, “This is ridiculous, Y/N.”

“I can’t do the classes anymore” You told him. His eyebrows shot up, “After everything you did to get in, you’re giving up like that? I know it’s hard, but don’t be so temperamental.”

“I’m not giving up. I’ll…still paint” You mumbled. He tilt his head, “For yourself? Where is that going to get you? I just think you’re making a big mistake.”

You swallowed, “So what, I come just back to classes and pretend nothing happened?”

“Well, what did happen, Y/N?” He chuckled, “I came to check in on you. As a concerned adult, I am responsible for my student, and you just ran away. And then you decided to skip classes for some reason. Now you’ve lost the chance for the scholarship, but you can still continue in the program.”

You stared at him, not even realising that of course he’d deny everything. You wondered if you should address it, but maybe now was the only time you could. “You…you said I should convince you.”

He leaned forward on his desk, “By making your greatest painting yet, of course. How…else? You are an artist at the end of the day, aren’t you?”

“Can you please just sign my document so I can leave?” You spoke, more venom in your tone than you intended. He was pretending it didn’t happen. He frowned, clicking at his pen, “You’ve already paid for the next few months classes. You’re just going to let that go to waste?”

Were you making a big mistake? You were acting too much on emotion. Yet you couldn’t imagine being in the same room as him again, and feeling comfortable. He had ruined this for you.

“You used to be my favourite artist...” You said, almost accusatory. He stood up, the sound of his chair dragging against the wood was loud, “Used to be? Does someone else have your heart now?”

Your phone started buzzing in your pocket, Hyunjin must be calling you, and Jieong stepped around his table, walking closer to you. You hated this. You hated looking at him, and feeling this fear and anxiety when you should only feel admiration. “Please. I just need your signature and I’ll be gone. I haven’t said anything to anybody and I’m probably moving back home anyway, so please just do this for me.”

He crossed his arms, talking so nonchalantly as if this were a casual conversation, “No. If I let you withdraw, that’d be wasting your talent and potential.”

“So you want me to stay in the program?”

“That’s all I’ve wanted since day one.” He laughed, “You’re one of my most talented.”

Your head was beginning to hurt, “Then why did you cancel my scholarship…and why are you being like this?”

“I’m not being like anything. I’m just asking you to consider staying in the program. I don't know why you're so insistent on running away.” He stepped closer, and a month ago, his tone would could comforted you but not anymore. You made sure you were near the door so you could leave if you needed to, and you tried to find the least offensive way to say what you felt, “What do you mean? You made me uncomfortable the other night.”

“What did I do? Am I not allowed to check up on my students anymore?” He was acting clueless, and it pissed you off.. You felt insane like you were speaking to a child who couldn’t comprehend anything, “I don’t know…you tried to grab me.”

“No offence, Y/N, but you’re not exactly my type. In case you forgot, I’m a married man.” He held up his hand, showing you his wedding band, “If anything, you’re the one who’s been coming on to me.”

“What? No, I haven’t.”

“Really?” He didn’t seem like he believed you, and you didn’t have to justify yourself anyway. You felt frustrated by the way he was addressing this situation, making you feel crazy. “I’ve …never come on to you. That’s…insane. I have a boyfriend. I would be crazy to do that, not to mention how…inappropriate that is. Do you think I’d risk my—”

“You have a boyfriend? What you told me the other night was different.” He tilt his head. You were only going in circles and not going anywhere, as you said, “I try to keep my professional and personal life separate.”

“What’s his name?” He asked, clicking the pen in his hand, the noise driving you mad. You almost ended up saying Hyunjin’s name, until you realised you obviously couldn’t fucking do that. Hyunjin couldn’t be the convenience in this case, you don’t know what Jieong could do with that information, especially if he found out who Hyunjin really was. You swallowed, “Nate. Obviously.”

Jieong’s expression shifted, “I see.”

You weren’t sure if he believed you or not, but you wouldn’t stick around to find out, “I don’t even know why I’m talking about this with you. I just need you to give me my documents, so I can leave.”

“I’ll think about it.” He spoke. Your eyes widened, “What?”

“You can come collect them later, in case I change my mind.” He said, returning to his desk and sat down nonchalantly. You stared at him in disbelief, not wanting to start an argument or make him mad. This was pointless. You left his office, feeling worse than before, informing the receptionist that you couldn’t even fucking resign right now. Everything felt harder than it should be. A hurdle for everything. Getting into this program had been impossible, and it seemed like getting out of it was just as tough. 

The phone in your bag kept buzzing, and you stepped into the bathroom, picking up his call, “What?”

“Y/N…” Hyunjin seemed surprised at your tone, “I…was trying to reach you. What happened?”

Your eyes brimmed with tears of frustration, “Nothing. I’ve had a bad day. Why were you calling me so much?”

“I was going to come to the Academy. Are you still there?”

“You’re what?” Your voice shot up. His voice was calm on the other end, “I can’t let you speak to Jieong alone.”

“Where are you right now? You can’t come. They keep a record of every visitor and… you can in trouble with your company for being here. And I already talked to him so there isn’t any point.” You spoke. It was also frustrating how you wanted Hyunjin to be there for you, but you had to think of his life and his job always first, before yourself. It had always been the case though. He was quiet for a minute and then said, “You were alone with him? Where are you right now?”

“Nate was with me.” You said, staring at yourself in the mirror, and you looked like shit, in a hoodie you had worn for three days straight, “He’s…waiting for me outside.”

“I see…” Hyunjin responded, “I’m sorry. I wanted to be there for you.”

You sighed, “Don’t beat yourself up over it, Hyunjin. I’m fine. Jieong was absolutely useless though. He didn’t even let me withdraw! He was…being cryptic, and frustrating. I had to tell him Nate’s my boyfriend just to get him off my back.”

Hyunjin’s response was dry, “Oh. Okay.”

“I mean… I was lying.” You were stupidly justifying yourself, and he mumbled, “Yeah. Makes sense…I haven’t been able to focus on anything else but you since I woke up, so I just thought it’d be better if I came over there.”

“You don’t have to leave work for me, Hyunjin." You suddenly felt guilty, "I’m sorry we haven’t talked much. I just haven’t been in the best state of mind.”

“I just…want you to know that I’m here, if you ever want to talk about it. I’m sorry that you’re having a bad day.”

“Don’t worry about it, it's not your fault or anything.” You mumbled. He said, “I’ve been thinking and…I want to take you somewhere. I think it’ll take your mind off things.”

The request excited you, but coming from Hyunjin’s mouth, you couldn’t really believe it, “Somewhere in the city?”

“Yeah.”

“But is that allowed? For you to be seen with me in public?” It was the only question you had. You didn’t mean for it to sound so cold. It came out harsher than intended. Allowed as if Hyunjin was a child who needed permission to do anything he desired. He was quiet, and you feared you’d crossed the line, but then he suddenly said, “I…asked my manager for permission.”

At those words, your eyes widened. That was certainly something you hadn’t expected. “And what did you say?”

He let out a nervous chuckle, “I may have lied and told him my cousin was visiting from America and that it was my… responsibility to show them around the city. He obviously can’t stop me from hanging out with family, even if it’s in a crowded place.”

“So…I have to pretend to be your cousin?”

He laughed, “No. God, no. You don’t have to pretend to be anything. You can…be yourself. It’s just gonna be me and you.”

“Really?” You didn’t know what this was. Hyunjin was…definitely opening up to you in a way he hadn’t in months. You had no idea what to make of it. Perhaps this meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. Maybe he was only being friendly to make up for his behavior.

“Yeah. Is that okay with you? If it’s just…us?”

Just you and him. You’d craved for him this whole time. He seemed nervous since you hadn’t answered, “Y/N?”

“I’m here,” You said. He must have expected that you hung up. “Oh,” He replied, his tone relieved at hearing your voice. 

“So where did you want to take me?”

“You said that you haven’t been to Myeon-dong, and… that’s a crime. I was hoping to show you around.” He added, “But I… don’t know. I would understand if you were still pissed about… what I did, and if you don’t want to go.”

“I’m not pissed…” You thought about his words, “I’m just kind of confused, Hyunjin.”

“About me?”

“No, actually, let’s not discuss this over the phone…things get misinterpreted and… I’m really tired right now,” You mumbled. Hyunjin suddenly wanted to hang out with you again and this was a lot to unpack and shouldn’t be done now. He agreed, “You’re right. I'm sorry again that I couldn’t see you. I really didn’t want you to feel like you had to do that alone. Because I’m here, for you. I know I haven’t been but…yeah.”

When he said stuff like that, your stomach twisted. You’d been trying to maintain a line between you and him, a boundary based on all of the recent events, yet it felt futile. Your voice dropped, “Yeah, thank you.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

You nodded, and a part of you already felt lighter at this proposition, “See you then, Hyunjin.”

You stepped out, making your way to the entrance and Nate spotted you. He ran up to you, pulling you into a half-hug, “How’d it go with Jieong? I can’t believe he kicked me out of his office.”

You shrugged, squinting under the sun, “I may have told him you were my boyfriend…”

He laughed, a smirk on his face, “What? Is that your way of asking me out?”

It was kind of nice that he had no idea what was going on. You could still pretend that things were normal. You felt embarrassed, pushing your hands in your pockets, “Jeonghan…no.”

“I know. I know. I’m kidding” He smiled, then took off his bucket hat, placing it on your head to protect you from the sun, “You need to get yourself a pair of sunglasses.”

“Thanks” You smiled. It was nice to be distracted from your disastrous exchange with Jieong. He looked around at all of the art students walking to classes, then back to you, “So are you coming back to class on Monday? You know it sucks without you, right?”

“Really? I take it you guys miss me a lot then.” You smiled. He rolled his eyes, “Of course I do. Honestly, you were my favorite thing about it, especially this last semester. Jieong’s got a stick up his ass for some reason. Anyway, me and Minnie miss you. Well, me more than her. I don’t have anybody to teach me your crazy ass techniques anymore. I mean, you’re the only one who can make me get my hands willingly dirty and paint with them.” 

You narrowed your eyes at him, “They weren’t crazy. I thought you enjoyed painting with your hands. You’re a dick.”

He grinned, tapping your hat, “Only for you.”

You then noticed the black and gold bags at his feet, “So, what’s in the bags?”

“Unfortunately, nothing for you.” He sighed. “I was shopping for a tuxedo. Actually, now that you're here, I did have a crazy favor to ask you.”

You looked up at him, in anticipation, “Yeah? What’s the favour?”

“My sister, she lives in Busan, I told you, right? Well anyway, she’s getting married next Saturday, which is crazy in itself but…long story short, you’re coming with me. There’s no way I’m surviving that alone.”

“You want me to be your plus-one?” You asked. He shrugged, “I mean, you already told Jieong you’re my girlfriend…so it doesn’t hurt to keep up appearances does it?”

“I mean, I have to think about it. Do I have to dress up fancy and all?” You asked. He nodded, “Yeah, a formal dress preferably, but if anyone can pull that off, it would be you. You being by my side would actually make it bearable. Will you think about it and let me know? If you absolutely can’t go, that’s okay, I’ll take Minnie along, but… I’d…really prefer if it was you. After all, I can’t make out with Minnie when I’m drunk.”

You rolled your eyes, “It’s almost like you’re trying to convince me not to go.”

He smiled, “Please let me know about it. I gotta go meet my friend now. I’ll hopefully see you next Saturday?”

Maybe going to a fancy wedding would take your mind off things, and you smiled as he kissed your cheek goodbye, “No promises.”

»»————-

This was the Seoul you’d seen in the movies. It’s as if you’d stepped into a full spread of a magazine that you’d fawn over in your school library as you stared at Myeon-dong street. A seemingly endless alley of shops, food, and anything a person could want for. It was the afternoon, and it seemed to be the busiest time as throngs of people filtered in and out through the streets. Your gaze fell upon families, couples, and teenagers filling the streets still in their school uniforms.

There was a newspaper stand set up next to you, selling magazines and papers of all kinds, it even had some pop merchandise, random objects with pictures of idols on them, ranging from socks to mugs to paper fans. It was bizarre. The lady at the shop smiled at you, “Looking for something in particular?”

“Um, no, I was just looking.” You shook your head. She was dressed really well, and she smiled at you, “What’s your favorite group, sweetie?”

Your eyes meandered over the merchandise, and for a moment you considered saying the name of Hyunjin’s band but quickly decided against it, “Uh, I don’t listen to…” Just then, a teenage girl and her friend came behind you, filming a vlog of some kind, and the lady asked them the same question, her attention switching in a millisecond away from you, “Looking for something?”

To your surprise, the girl enthusiastically nodded, “Yes, please! Could we get a Hwang Hyunjin and Changbin necklace?”

Your eyes widened, and you stepped away from the stall to hide your reaction. You could see the lady reach into her supplies, pulling out several decorative items, along with t-shirts and necklaces. Hyunjin was on half of them, and a strange sense of pride and wonder filled you. That must be so fucking weird for him, but you suppose it also must be satisfying to be this famous. The teenage girl immediately reached for the Hyunjin necklace, a pendant with his name carved out in silver, and it was actually pretty, and not tacky, and a part of you wanted to get one for yourself but he’d think you were crazy if you did. She immediately put it around her neck, a big smile on her face. You stepped away, a strange jealousy building in your stomach.

It was almost the time he said he’d meet you here, so you walked to the junction, hands pushed into your deep coat pockets, looking around for the familiar face.

In the midst of the crowd, he was waiting for you.

He stood tall in a suede trench coat, a turtleneck, and a bag slung around him. He wore a black mask, obscuring his face from the onlookers, but people were still looking at him. Of course they were. He didn’t need to show his face to be the most beautiful man in the room.

He was looking around too, and you waited for him to notice you. Would you stand out to him too, like he did to you? Could he pick you out of a crowd of hundreds?

You pulled your phone out of your pocket, wondering if he would call and ask where you were. But then he noticed you. Even in this distance, you saw his eyes light up in recognition, and immediately, he stepped ahead, pushing through the moving crowd to get to you. You waited where you were, as he got closer and closer. Your heart pound to a different beat now. You had no idea what today would be about or what any of this meant to him, and one of the reasons you’d agreed to meet was to find out. He finally approached you, and his eyes crinkled as you imagined the hidden smile under his mask, “You’re here…”

You nodded, looking up at him, “Have you been waiting long?”

He shook his head, voice muffled, “No, don’t worry about it.”

You wish you could see him without the mask, but too many people here could recognise him. “There’s a couple of places I wanna show you.” He said, gesturing you to move. You walked next to him, and the tight space pushed you two together, arms brushing mistakenly. You looked around, “There’s a lot of people here”

“Mmh. It’s one of the busiest times of the day.”

“Why did you pick this time then?” You glanced up at him. He looked at you, “Well…Right now, we can just blend into the crowd. If there’s less people, we’re more likely to be noticed, and draw attention.”

So he had thought of that, and he was right. You weren’t really looking at other people because there were just far too many to keep track of, so they likely wouldn’t be looking at you too. To them, you just seemed like a normal couple on a day out. Your arms brushed against each other the whole time, and his hand hovered over your back. You kept sneaking glances at him, and it was harder because you were moving so fast, and he was taller and there was only so much of him you could see. Every time there was a change in the crowd, he’d quickly switch sides, grabbing your arm to keep you close. When you looked at him, his eyes crinkled as he tried to justify, “Just making sure I don’t lose you.”

The words sent a flutter through you, and you asked him, trying to be heard over the cacophony of sounds, “Did you know shops here sell merchandise with you?”

He looked back at you, distracted. He was seemingly too focused on finding his way through the crowd, “Um, yes, I’ve seen a few. Wait… this place has the best fried chicken, you need to try it. If we come later in the evening, there will be a really long wait for it. Changbin once made me wait two hours for it.”

“Oh, wow. Was it worth it?” You asked, stopping at what looked like an inconspicuous stall. He laughed, “I don’t know about that, but I’d do anything for Changbin, so I definitely wasn’t complaining. Anyway, the last time I was here, I could’t help but wonder what you’d think of it.” He then ordered a plate for the two of you, and you watched the vendor prepare it. It already smelled amazing, and you eagerly waited, hands in your pockets, “So do you come here with the guys often?”

He shook his head, “No, we haven’t gone out in a while. We’ve been so busy with promotions….and the album, haven’t really found time to relax.”

“I’m sorry. That sounds stressful. Do you not get any vacations?”

The vendor had finished preparing the chicken and was now seasoning it, sprinkling all kinds of spices over it. Hyunjin shrugged, “I think I used up my lifetime of vacations in Daejon.”

“Right.” You recalled all of his months there, “I hope you still got paid for it.”

He shook his head, face buried in the front of his coat, “It was still worth it though. I got to meet you.”

You blinked, wondering how and why he said such soul-changing stuff so casually. Like at a fucking chicken stall on the sidewalk. How did these things come so easily to him, but love so difficulty? You shrugged, “Right. I guess that’s why you didn’t need me anymore when you came back home.”

It was a joke, obviously, but Hyunjin’s eyebrows crinkled, “Y/N…”

“Oh, look, our food is ready.” You changed the topic, suddenly feeling guilty for bringing it up, and not wanting this to be awkward. He didn’t protest at your lack of subtlety, “Yeah. Come on, we can go into this alley so we’re not in everyone’s way.”

You followed him into a nearby alleyway. It was less crowded, so Hyunjin seemed more at ease at not being recognized yet you could see he was still a bit on edge as he kept his head down, avoiding eye contact with any passerby. He leaned against a brick wall, and you stood opposite him, savoring some of the chicken. He asked you, “You like it?”

To be honest, you couldn’t even process what you were eating. It was kind of hard to focus on other things when he was here, and this could have been the best chicken in the world but your internal monologue ran on a loop of Hyunjin, Hyunjin, Hyunjin. It was annoying, and you wish you could focus on the environment you were in, on the other people around you, on the street food. But you nodded, your crazy urge to be a people-pleaser and said, “Yeah, this is so fucking good. Are you gonna have some?” 

He shook his head, laughing, “I’m good. I’m just glad you like it.” You hummed, “Thank you for making me try it…”

You hated that the mask obscured his face. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking, and it made you anxious. He didn’t say anything for a while as you ate, like he was building up the courage to ask, until he finally did say, “So…how are you feeling, really? And please…don’t just say you’re fine. I want to know how you’re really doing. And how you’ve been the past few months. I’ve been wondering that for a while.”

Your eyes searched his, and that certainly didn’t seem like street side conversation but it was all you had, “That’s a pretty loaded question, Hyunjin, but I guess it’s good to be out of my apartment. Thanks for bringing me out here. I was kind of getting sick of my routine.”

He nodded, “I can imagine. You hate routines.”

You laughed, surprised that he knew that about you even though at this point, he probably knew you better than any human in the world, “Yeah.”

“Did you tell Nate that you’re thinking of withdrawing? I hope he convinced you to not do that.” He asked, hope in his tone. You shook your head, “No, he was in a really good mood, I didn’t want to ruin it.”

“He seems like a really good friend, and I know I didn’t really have the chance to talk to him, but he seems cool.”

“Yeah. He definitely helped. Seeing him had definitely put me at ease.” You reached for another piece of fried chicken, “When I was about to go back home, he didn’t really even cross my mind…but I realized, yeah, it would have been unfair to him if I just left without a word. I would definitely miss him. He was…such a big part of my last few months. I wouldn’t have adjusted to living in the city without him.”

Hyunjin was quiet, and then he spoke, “What do you mean?”

“Well,” You laughed, feeling embarrassed at the memory, but Hyunjin was the one who wanted to know all about your life the past few months, “I was so lost when I moved here. Everything seemed so…scary, but he made it easier for me.” Hyunjin was still staring at you so you elaborated, finding the need to explain, “He…made me meet his friends, he took me out to some really cool bars, and going to class was scary but he’s probably the reason I didn’t go back home sooner… now that I think of it.”

“Oh.” He pushed off the wall, choosing to walk along the alley, and you followed him, trying to keep up with his footsteps. Little hair salons and souvenir shops surrounded you. As you walked, you observed how your feet fit in the cobblestones just so you wouldn’t feel so nervous around him as you replayed the last few months in your head, “Yeah. Wow, I didn’t realize how much he meant to me until you asked. I mean…he had no reason to be so nice to me, especially because…this is embarrassing to talk about—”

“What?” Hyunjin asked, looking at you. It felt weird to think of all those months, but you were only talking about this because he asked. You’d been crying almost every day, because of…well, him. Everything had seemed so hopeless without him in your life, and now…you had bigger problems. Such as your dreams of a lifetime being absolutely fucked and burnt into the dust. So perhaps you had made your peace with what Hyunjin had done. Nothing could have made him change his mind, and there was…no point crying about it. 

You snapped back to reality, realising he was waiting for you to answer and you wonder how honest you should be. Something about how detached he’d been the past few months made it easier for you to open up, “It’s embarrassing because I was really all over the place. I was kind of…depressed? I don’t even know, but…Nate didn’t mind. He was so nice about it.” You then laughed, suddenly remembering the blind date Minnie had set you up on, “Oh, and I had this horrible fucking date, man it was so bad. Some people can be such assholes.”

“You were…depressed?”

You looked up at him, realizing how serious that could sound, “Um, I mean…that’s a big word…I guess.”

“Why…?” He looked at you, confused, eyebrows knitted together in sadness, “You weren’t happy about the apprenticeship?”

The happiness of that could never have compared to the sadness of losing him. You’d really dug yourself into a hole. You wondered how to say this without making it all about him. How could you tell him that he was your favourite thing in the world? You swallowed, “Uh…I…I was kind of lonely, I guess.”

Hyunjin stared at you, something flashing through his eyes, and it looked like…regret, or guilt. You immediately felt bad, gut sinking. He looked away from you, and cleared his throat, blinking, “So…you had a date? With Nate?”

“No, this other guy,” You explained, “A date with Nate would have been a million times better, but no, it was with this total ass. He…just wanted to get into my pants, I guess, and on top of that he also had horrible taste in beer. Nate did rescue me from it.”

“So…then what happened between you and him? At the party, you were…” He trailed off, staring at the ground as he walked, “You guys looked close.”

“I don’t know. We were just…fucking around. It doesn’t mean anything. He kissed me, and I guess that’s how it started.” 

Hyunjin glanced at you, “He kissed you?”

Why did it even matter right now? You clarified, “Technically, I kissed him…after my terrible date. And he returned it. Then, I guess we just…were casual friends who kissed.”

“Oh…Okay” 

“Yeah. You missed a huge chunk of my life.” You chuckled, and you’d finished all the chicken, so he threw the plate away in a trashcan. He then asked, “So…what else did you do in the city ever since you’ve been here?”

“I…uh…not much.” 

“What were your favourite moments?” He asked, “You must have had some good ones, right?”

You drifted off, trying to remember the times you’d been happy, and it was weird how you couldn’t think of many, “Well, when I got accepted. I was the happiest then. Then…when Jieong told me that I was talented, and when my paintings got complimented on in class. I was happy when I discovered a thrift store near my house, and…they had the cutest skirt in my size. It looked really cute on me.”

Hyunjin must be smiling, because you could see his eyes crinkle over the mask, “And?” 

“And…I was happy when I was with Kairi. We found this cute cafe we would go to. They had these really, really good sandwiches. I was happy when…” You stopped.

“When?”

You looked up at him, pushing your hands in your pockets, “When…I saw you, in the storage closet.”

He was quiet, processing your words, and then he said, “We’re almost here. Come on.”

You thought you’d just been walking aimlessly, but it seemed like Hyunjin had a destination in mind this whole time. There was a brick building hidden between K-marts and department shops. It looked abandoned. “Can we even go in?” You asked. He laughed, “Of course.” There was an incognito entrance, hidden from the public as you stepped in through the doors, “Are you sure? It feels like we’ll get murdered in there, Hyunjin.”

He glanced at you, “That’s a funny way of saying you don’t trust me.” 

You shrugged, playing along because it felt nice to pretend that things were normal again, “So, if there was a serial killer in there, you would fight him for me?”

He let out another laugh, looking at you, “I obviously would, and no there isn’t anybody in there, but maybe I should be asking if you would do that for me?”

“Nah, I think I’d sacrifice you so I could get away.” You smiled at him, and he laughed as you entered a fancy corridor. There was a huge map on the wall with different levels marked on it, and far too much detail than you’d expect. You still had no idea where you were. You tried to read it but Hyunjin walked ahead, and you caught up to him asking, “So…where are we?”

“It’s this…really cool concept store, for mainly streetwear. It’s one of a kind, all their clothes are inspired from the 90s and the coolest part is nobody really knows who the designer is. People speculate and such, but it’s anonymous and because their identity is hidden from the world, they can pretty much get away with anything, controversial designs and stuff. Ever since my stylist told me about, I knew I had to bring you here. It’s like…if Banksy made fashion, you know?”

The thoughtfulness of that didn’t miss you. He’d been thinking of you for a while, it seemed, and it looked like he was right. The first room you stepped in was already breathtaking. Cool technology surrounded the open floor plan, a suspended spaceship hung from the center, and clothes of vivid colors were displayed on racks amongst art installations and paintings. It seemed more like a museum than a fashion store. “Holy shit. You weren’t kidding.” You spoke, taking in all the futuristic displays,  “How much are these clothes even worth?”

Hyunjin laughed, “Just the same as any other high-fashion store.”

“So… insanely expensive,” You mumbled, running your hand through the variety of jackets hung up. They were the coolest designs you’d seen, and the precision that must have gone into designing them was obvious. Each had something that made it unique: different fabric patches, pockets of uncanny shapes, and neon colors that you couldn’t imagine pulling off. But in Seoul, there was an outfit for everybody, and these definitely weren’t for you. Each of them felt expensive to the touch, and you probably shouldn’t be touching them like so. 

“I wore something like this for a stage performance last month, and I was so stressed about ruining the sequins the entire time. Do you like any?” Hyunjin asked you, browsing through them too. You laughed, “Um yes, I love them, but I shouldn’t.”

“This one is really cool,” He spoke, eyeing a purple jacket, with lavendar fur on the neckline and sleeve loops. It looked like something aristocrats or royals would wear in Buckingham palace or something, so you laughed when Hyunjin asked, “Do you want to try it on?”

“If I get a speck of dirt on it, would I have to sell my soul?” You raised an eyebrow. Hyunjin scoffed, “You’re allowed to try them on. Come on. There’s a mirror somewhere here.” He grabbed the jacket off the shelf so casually, walking through the maze of displays until you reached a huge floor-to-ceiling mirror. He held the jacket up to you, and you couldn’t take this seriously, “That is so not me. It would look good on like Gigi Hadid or something.”

He rolled his eyes, “Just try it on.”

“Sure. I’ll humour you this once, but after this, I get to pick something ridiculous for you to wear.” You took off your winter coat. Hyunjin grabbed it for you, and you slipped on the purple jacket. Immediately, it felt like you were wearing millions of dollars, rich and thick fabric. It hugged your body perfectly. You turned to the mirror, running your hands over the fur, it was so soft. Wearing this would definitely make anybody feel confident.

Hyunjin hadn't said anything yet. Your eyes darted to his, and he was staring at your reflection. His eyebrows were raised, eyes wide, but you couldn’t see the rest of his face and that bothered you. You held your arms up, turning to the side to observe it, “It’s like a work of art.”

“Yeah. You make it look like one.” Hyunjin spoke. You glanced at him, feeling shy suddenly. He was so observant, so fixated on you.

“Well. Anyway. It’s my turn.” You walked to another section of the store. Hyunjin followed you through all the abstract installations. There must be a narrative behind it, but you were just happy appreciating the visuals. Silver water fountains, clothing displays that moved on their own... everything about this place screamed future. It was inspiring just to be in here. Hyunjin was sifting through a rack of streetwear. A sunglasses case rest next to it, and you stared at them, grabbing a design off the rack.

“You should try this,” You told him, offering him the glasses. His eyebrows shot up and he laughed, “Really? You don’t think they’re tacky? The gold borders?”

“I think they’d look good on you” You mumbled, but kept them back based on his reaction, “But fine, you don’t have to try them if you don’t want to—” 

“I’ll try them, Jesus” He interrupted you with a laugh and put them on. There were mirrors everywhere and he looked at himself. You wonder if he fell in love with himself too each time he saw his reflection. He pushed his hair back, a smirk playing at his lips, “Huh. I actually kind of like that. Makes me feel like a rockstar.”

He sparkled under the store lights. You’d only wanted him to wear it as a joke, but he actually made them look so good. He looked expensive, and... so out of your league. He was absolutely beautiful, and you mumbled, “You are kind of a rockstar. You should get them.” 

He glanced at you, eyebrow raised as if it was even a question. Those glasses seemed to be made for his perfect face. He pulled them off, observing the frame, “You think?”

You just nodded, not trusting what you might blurt. Probably something embarrassing along the lines of how hot he made them look, even though they were just fucking glasses, but him in them was doing something unnatural to your body.

“I can’t remember the last time I bought something for myself” He stated, pushing the glasses up over his head. You leaned against the mirror, looking up at him, “Is it because you always have to wear sponsorships and stuff?”

He nodded, “Yeah. It’s easier in a way because I don’t have to pick out much of my clothes.”

“That’s such a first-world, rich person problem, Hyunjin. I can’t believe you just said that.” You rolled your eyes. He laughed, “Hey, I’m just being honest with you, sorry.”

“You’re pretty lucky. I wish someone would buy my clothes for me” You sighed, “Unfortunately, I don’t have a stylist, and a make-up artist, and a personal shopper and a manager—”

“Stop” Hyunjin laughed, interrupting you, “I think what you pick out for yourself is pretty fantastic.”

“Yeah, I know it is.” You smiled, “So, is there any other cool stuff in this store?”

He nodded, stepping back from the mirror, and his hand fell to your lower back again as he guided you, “Yup. There’s a cafe. That’s where I was initially going to take you until you got distracted by all the jackets.”

The cafe was a beautiful rooftop establishment, looking out at the views of Seoul. You had to hold back your gasp when you walked in. There were hardly any people in, just a few men that looked like CEOs seated at far tables. Your eyes fell to the menu that hung over the counter, where every bakery item was easily more than 30,000 won. Everything was so expensive, and probably explained why this place wasn’t buzzing with people. Not everyone could afford this taste. “You should try the Pain au Chocolat. It’s one of the best in the city.” Hyunjin nudged you. You looked at him, “That statement indicates that you’ve somehow tried all the chocolate croissants in the city.”

He laughed, “Not nearly. I come here with Changbin and Jisung often though. A few weeks ago, I tried it and I just…kept imagining how much you’d like it.” 

You looked back at the menu, feeling giddy at the thought of being on his mind so often, in your absence. You stepped up to the counter, ordering two coffees and croissants. You’d come all this way after all.

“Hey, I got this.” Hyunjin said, stopping you before you could pay. But if he paid for your coffee, it would increasingly make this feel more like a date, which this wasn’t. You couldn’t make yourself feel delusional by thinking it was. 

“Don’t worry about it.” You dismissed him, handing your card to the cashier. He frowned, clearly not happy with the outcome, but you wouldn’t let him buy it for you. The cashier also seemed expensively dressed, with good taste, and she input your order and then said, “Unfortunately ma’am, you can’t wear the store merchandise around.”

You realised you were still wearing the lavendar fur jacket, loving the feel of it on you just like Hyunjin had loved it on you. Gosh, you wish you could never take it off just to see the look in his eyes again. Except you weren’t just playing dress-up. This was probably worth hundreds of thousands. You felt so embarrassed, and you immediately reached to unbutton it, “Shit. I’m so sorry…I can go put it back now.”

Were they going to charge you a lot for this mistake?

“Oh. It’s not merchandise, ma’am. We’re taking it home.” Hyunjin interrupted, and then looked at you, “You can keep it on.”

The cashier just smiled, “Oh, of course. My mistake then. Your order will be out in a few minutes. Have a nice day!”

You gaped at Hyunjin, “What?”

He laughed, tugging your arm to pull you away from the counter.

“Are you insane?”

“Oh, don’t hurt my feelings, Y/N” He joked, leading you to a table in the corner. He sat down, comfortably stretching his legs. You were still processing it, “This cost a fortune, you can’t just do that on a whim. I’m not okay with that.”

He sighed, gesturing at you to sit opposite him, “Come on. It’s not a big deal”

You crossed your arms, “Is this a way to get back at me because I paid for our coffees?”

He laughed, “Only you’d think someone’s getting back at you if they buy you a gift.”

You frowned, sitting down, “Well, I don’t like feeling like I owe someone something. This is far too expensive and I did nothing to earn that”

“Hey. You don’t owe me anything” He leaned forward, “I wanted to buy that for you. You can’t stop me.”

“Why?”

“Because…you look beautiful in it. It’d be a shame for anybody else in the world to wear it, and…” He looked embarrassed, “Because I saw that a few weeks ago and imagined it on you."

His compliment made your heart jump, and you wish you weren't so weak and crumbling over a boy of all things, but you didn’t want to feel ungrateful, “Oh….Thank you…Hyun.”

“So… you’re not mad at me then? You haven't called me that in a while.” He laughed. Your voice fell, touching the expensive material of the jacket, “No…I really love it. It’s beautiful.”

His smile grew, eyes crinkling, “I know. You look great in it.”

You eyed his mask, and that certainly could't be comfortable and you felt brave enough to finally say, “Are you going to wear that thing all day? I can’t even see you...but I guess I understand if you need to.” 

He looked around the cafe. He must have deemed it safe, because there weren’t many people on this floor, so he reached up, slipping his mask out finally. And god, he looked so fucking perfect under it. His nose was red from the cold. His lips were just as plush as you remembered, and they curled up into a beautiful smile for you, “Is that better for you?”

“I hate that you have to hide yourself.” 

His eyes widened just a tad, and perhaps he hadn’t expected you to be so candid, but you just nodded, “Don’t make a big deal out of it or something. Everybody in this country is in love with your face.”

The waitress then brought a tray of your coffees, and croissants, placing them between you. The view of Seoul from here was beautiful. Your heart soared, watching the sun fall on him, and he slipped on his brand-new sunglasses. They really did make him look like a rockstar, with the reflection of the glass buildings in them. He pushed his hair back, but it was a useless gesture because the strands fell back into place, bangs covering his forehead, and his hair had grown out much more. You looked around at the few businessmen in the cafe and asked, “So your managers really don’t mind that you’re out with a girl…on a random weekday?”

He nodded, cutting into the croissant with his knife, “Yeah of course. They don’t have to know.”

You sipped your coffee and then realized what he’d said, “Wait, what? They don’t know you’re here?”

Hyunjin glanced up at you, mid-bite into the croissant, chocolate creaming his lips, “What?”

“You told me you asked him for permission, so you wouldn’t get into trouble.” You stated. Realization sank into his features, and he nodded, “Um, yeah. I did”

Clearly, he was lying…and the fact that Hyunjin lied to his company about today put you on edge. He clearly noticed that. A sigh left his mouth, “Please don’t worry about it, Y/N…I thought everything through. I wanted you to have a good day.”

You couldn’t understand. A few months ago, Hyunjin let go of everything just so it wouldn’t risk his job, and now he was willingly doing this? What changed? Was it that he noticed your desperation to leave and thought he was at fault? Was he doing this all out of guilt, because he asked you to stay? You wouldn’t get any answers out of him right now, so you just decided to enjoy the chocolate croissant. 

“I am having a good day, don’t worry.” You remembered, “By the way I saw some shops out front. They had a lot of merchandise with familiar faces on them…”

“Oh no. What did you see?” He laughed, covering his face in his hands. He was so cute. You smiled, trying not to get distracted by how adorable he looked, “It was cool but I just… couldn’t wrap my head around it. How does it feel having your face literally everywhere?”

He took a long sip of his cappuccino, “Well…it takes some getting used to, but after a point you do.”

“I don’t think I could get used to my face being plastered everywhere, and people having it in their homes and stuff? It makes me anxious just thinking about it” You shuddered at just the thought, “You’re very brave.”

“Well, yeah you’d have your artwork in people’s homes instead.” He shrugged. You looked up at him, surprised, “That’s so far in the future, I can’t comprehend that”

“Maybe I could be your first buyer” He leaned back in his chair, “Would youu sell me one of your paintings for…a half a million won?”

“If you spend that much money on my shitty paintings, people would definitely think you’re sleeping with the artist.” You mumbled. He lift the mug to his mouth, eyes on yours over the rim, as he drank, “I suppose.”

If you could record your heartbeat in the moment, it’d cross inhumane levels surely. You stared at him, fighting the urge to smile, “Unfortunately, you’re fresh out of luck. All my paintings are in the trash as of last week…including the one I was actually proud of…the one I was working on for the prize.”

He grimaced, “Can I ask you what that painting was about?”

“Um. It was just based off this scientific theory… it’s silly.” You felt shy explaining the concept — it was completely inspired by the things Hyunjin had told you in the comfort of the night skies of Daejon. He frowned, putting away his food, “Tell me”

“I remember you telling me that there weren’t any stars in the city, and I was wondering…what would happen if there weren’t any for real. At all. In the world.”

He seemed intrigued, “And what did you find?”

“Just a bunch of theories, but… it’d make the universe a pretty bleak place. Most life would cease to exist…and I was trying to paint the ruins of the universe, or what would be left when everything was gone. I was trying out this new watercolour technique, for it to be abstract enough that it was up for interpretation but also concrete enough that…people felt despair when they looked at it.”

“That’s…depressing.” He blinked. You laughed, “I guess. You inspired me, I suppose.”

“Well, it seems like that painting would have been really beautiful. I’m sorry you lost it, but…I don’t understand why you threw the others away. I thought…you liked keeping all your old paintings, and holding onto those memories…”

For some reason you found yourself being so truthful with him, digging deep into your psyche to how you felt, “Man, I don’t know…everything in my life kind of feels stupid and meaningless right now. I wasted years of my life trying to get into that apprenticeship, only to basically be kicked out one semester in… it’s funny. And now I’m sitting in my apartment in my dream city with nothing to do. I guess holding onto things just feels stupid now. There’s no point. I don’t even feel like painting anymore.”

“You… shouldn’t feel that way, Y/N.” He suddenly sounded so sad, looking at you. You couldn’t find it in yourself to be sad anymore, you’d already lost everything. You shrugged, “It’s fine honestly… I’m sure I’ll eventually find some new dream to die over. I’m obsessive like that. I know there’s something out there…that’s meant for me. Probably.” The conversation seemed to have changed the mind though so you apologised, “Sorry for killing the mood.”

“You didn’t.” He responded instantly, and there was a deep emotion in his eyes that you couldn’t place. You’d seen glimpses of it before, in moments when he’d kissed you, when you’d talk to him back in Daejon, but you’d never seen it like this. It was ever-present now, and prominent, like he wasn’t trying to hide it anymore. Your eyes traveled over his face, and he was gazing at you in a way that made you want to curl up into yourself. It was too much.  

You bit into the croissant, aware of the messy chocolate on your lips, and glanced in the window hoping to catch a bit of your reflection. You wanted to make sure you looked fine, especially sitting across someone who looked perfect, croissant crumbs on his lips. No wonder his face was in every shop here. You were seriously sitting across Hyunjin on a rooftop cafe in Seoul, for real. It felt like a dream. This wasn’t a date. Yet everything about it felt like one. It was hard to wrap your head around this reality. Hyunjin was draped in sunset light and casually sipped his coffee, looking at you like that — like he was simultaneously trying to figure you out, and like you also held all the answers to the universe.The sky was a beautiful hue of pink and orange, casting a bright glow over the entire top floor. He looked out the window, and you observed him, and then he swiftly reached into his little book bag, taking out a camera. He must want to capture the beauty of the sunset, but instead he surprised you, “Can I please take a picture of you?”

You stiffened up, “Right now..?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, pushing his sunglasses up so he could look through the camera viewfinder. You glanced at your reflection again, and you looked fine but your lipgloss was smudged. You felt conscious, “Do you mind if I fix my lip—”

“No” He immediately interrupted, sitting up, “I mean… Don’t fix it, please. I like it the way it is.”

You frowned, “But it’s all messy…”

“I know.” 

His gaze pierced yours, sending shivers down your spine. And hell, you were supposed to be mad at him for a million things but you don’t think anybody had ever made you feel this beautiful before and he hadn’t even said anything. It was just the way he looked at you, the depth of his gaze, the intensity in his expression and his eagerness to capture you like this.

“Oh…okay” You nodded, and his lips spread into a satisfied smile. He lift the camera up, snapping a few and you didn’t know what to do with yourself. You wish you were capturing the way Hyunjin looked at you instead. You could be a hundred years old and never get tired of that expression. His smile had given way to concentration, and he continued taking pictures of you. You wonder if you would ever get used to how he made you feel. 

You think all of this had to mean something. You weren’t stupid. He’d been flirting with you the entire day, and you hadn’t stopped him, or questioned it. After all, his way of talking didn’t feel like anything new. It was just how he used to be with you. Every compliment spoken so… easily and tenderly. After being away from his adoration for months, it felt like being plunged into an ice-cold bath. He had no qualms about being too direct or straightforward. He wasn’t sugarcoating anything. Had he finally given up on the charade of not wanting you in his life? Because right now, you were very much in his life. He put the camera down as if he’d heard your private thoughts, “Thank you for today. I was worried before that I had somehow ruined everything…” He paused, as if he was struggling with his thoughts, “With you. I know I dug myself into that hole…but…it feels good to be here with you. Feels like nothing changed since summer.”

Your heart constricted at those words, making you feel uneasy, but you smiled, because he seemed so happy in the moment. Except you didn’t want it to be like summer anymore though. Summer was beautiful, but it wasn’t enough. You desired and wanted more. You needed more of him with you, on you, in you, and now…after everything that had happened, after today, you somehow felt brave enough to not shy away from it.

»»————-

Your little evening with Hyunjin had already ruined you. You’d been home for just a few hours, and you’d already started reliving the events in your mind. You hadn’t even taken off the jacket he bought you, even though it would get crumpled the longer you wore it. You tried to distract yourself by cooking dinner so the scent of food could fill your apartment instead, but it still couldn’t rival the lingering fragrance of his cologne that clung to the jacket draped over your chair. 

Only an hour had passed and you gave up trying to distract yourself and sat on your bed, staring at the ceiling. You knew you shouldn’t be thinking about him, and you should probably try to protect your heart. You knew you should probably take off this jacket that cost hundreds. You’d worked so hard to try to move on but now that he was fighting to be in your life, it was like all your efforts had been for nothing. You ended up pulling up his videos, watching all of his performances from years and years ago, seeing the way he grew over time into the performer he was. All of the comments were in love with him. Millions, just like you, watching him in their bedrooms. You knew for sure, that you couldn’t let things go back to what they were: just fleeting moments of passion, and waiting on the edge of your seat for the next kiss. You knew now, that you needed something real from him.  You’d changed and pretending that your feelings hadn’t deepened in his absence would only be a useless task. 

»»————-

There was a voicemail in your inbox from Kairi. It had been a few days since you’d gone out with Hyunjin, and he’d unwittingly inspired you to step the fuck out of your apartment. You’d been walking through the market, browsing the collections of knick-knacks and shops, trying to find something Felix and Minho would really like. You wanted to mail stuff home that reminded you of them. You pressed your phone to your ear, trying to hear Kairi’s voicemail over the noise of the streets. She started out saying, “Hey, Y/N. I tried calling you, but I think you were busy so I just thought I’d leave you a message, and you can get back to me whenever. I know a lot is going on with you, and I haven’t exactly been the best friend I could have. I’m sorry, I guess I was still trying to readjust to having Chris back in my life.”

The electronics store you stepped into was huge, spanning almost five different floors, featuring tech that you hadn’t even heard of. The aisles were full of inventions and gadgets that Daejon could only even dream of. Kairi’s voicemail continued, “So what I was getting at is that there’s a…dinner party at my apartment. It’s…sort of an annual thing, I do it every year. My parents used to host them, but I've been doing them ever since they moved out. It’s fancy for no reason at all, but I love doing it because it’s a tradition? It’s not a lot of people, usually just me, the boys, and some of Chan’s friends. I’m going to make a six-course meal, and that sounds crazy. I guess it is, but I like doing it. Anyway, I guess this is just a long-winded way of me saying that…I would really like if you were there.”

You stopped in the middle of the aisle, listening to her continue, “I know that probably sounds like a lot for you, and… I’ve had these parties each year and I never really invite anybody, because it’s just…a really small gathering. The boys have been overworked too, so this would be perfect for them. I completely understand if you don’t want to come, but please consider it. I really want you there, and…you can bring Nate. I know that might put you at ease. Just think about it and let me know.”

Despite how warm her invitation made you feel, it was this Saturday. The same night you were going out with Nate. You had already long promised him you’d be his plus-one to the wedding reception. He was your friend and you couldn’t bail on him, no matter how much you craved to see Hyunjin and Kairi, and the others. Meeting him would just have to wait.

»»————-

Jeonghan’s arm fit perfectly on your waist, and he was all smiles as he introduced you to the rest of his family. Surprisingly, you weren’t nervous about tonight at all. His presence brought you ease. You’d bought a new dress, the color of cherries, a bow decorating the back, hoping it would match the vibe of everybody else at the reception. It made you feel confident enough to tackle tonight. It was a cold night, and the dress fell to your thighs, but nobody else seemed to care about the weather as they danced in strappy tops, and short skirts. Jeonghan, on the other hand, made you feel confident too. He’d proudly introduced you to everyone, and for a while there, it almost felt like you were going out together. He leaned into your ear, breath warm on your neck, “So, how are we feeling?”

You spoke through a smile, watching the guests on the dance floor, “Well. I’ve certainly never been to a wedding reception this fancy…people here really spend money on everything.”

He shook his head, “Nope. They just like to show that they can.” You glanced at him, “You know you are talking about your own family, right?” You had known Jeonghan was well-off, but truthfully, you never knew he was this wealthy. The wedding reception had been grand, and ice sculptures decorated each table setting. It was all a bit much, you could appreciate the grandeur though. He rolled his eyes, “Mum and dad have been planning this day their whole lives. I’m surprised they didn’t fly us all out to an island in the Bahamas.”

“Well, I would’ve loved to be your plus-one for that.” You laughed. He shrugged, “Who knows? Maybe for my wedding."

It was a beautiful location anyway, even if it wasn’t the Bahamas. An outdoor garden setting, hundreds of twinkling lights lit up the trees, and a dance floor where all the guests were letting loose, clearly very tipsy. You looked up at the canopy of trees, which were decorated with lush wildflowers, “Those alone must have cost you millions of won.”

“Much like your company tonight” He mumbled. You laughed, looking at him, “Whatever do you mean?”

He turned to face you, both hands grabbing you by the waist, “You know I really thought you’d ditch me tonight. Don’t you have your friend’s dinner party tonight?”

“Well…you asked me first. I made you a promise. I happen to be a good friend.”

Jeonghan smiled prettily, and he looked handsome today in the tuxedo, his hair swept back. He pulled you closer, hands on your bare back, “Thank you. Tonight would have sucked without you.”

“It’s your sister’s wedding. That’s not very nice to say” You frowned, teasing him. He chuckled, “Precisely. It’s her wedding, and I had no say on the guest list. You’re the only one I picked to be here tonight.”

You smiled, uncaring of the fact that you were in a very public space with almost all his relatives watching your intimate exchange, “I’m honored to be there for you.”

His eyes drifted over you, cheeks darkening, “You really do look pretty tonight. The other guy is definitely missing out.”

You rolled your eyes, the mention of Hyunjin stinging you a little bit, but all the wine you’d consumed tonight made it more bearable. 

“Nate, honey, can you come here a second?” An older woman interrupted, stepping over to you. One of the guests, who he’d introduced to you as his aunt, smiled at the two of you, “I’m sorry to interrupt. I need your help with something, sweetie.”

Unwillingly, Jeonghan let go of you, fingers brushing the bow on your back as he did. “I’ll be back in a minute, I promise.” He spoke. You laughed, “Don’t worry. Take your time.”

He leaned in, pressing a cheek to your kiss before following his aunt through the crowd. You smiled as he left whilst complaining about whatever task she put him up to. Being here with Jeonghan felt intimate, but it was never uncomfortable. You felt relaxed around him and his family, and he never pushed your boundaries. The reception had also been beautiful, and even though you didn’t know the wedding couple, the hopeless romantic in you craved for the kind of love they held. They’d been high school sweethearts, and the idea of that itself felt crazy to you. How must it feel to be so sure of your choice, and to have been in love for so long? You held your purse tightly, watching the couples on the dance floor. It was sweet. It was only ten minutes until Jeonghan was running back to you, “I’m sorry that took me so long. She wanted me to take pictures of her. Again!”

You laughed, “She must think you’re a real good photographer.” He rolled his eyes, “She just wants a new Facebook profile picture. I think I need more tequila.”

“That doesn’t sound like a smart idea.” You mumbled. He tugged at your hand, pulling you to the open bar, “Just one more wouldn’t hurt.”

You gave in since this was his party after all and you were only a guest, letting him lead you as he ordered you both a round of shots. He leaned against the bar, rolling his sleeves up and admittedly that made him look hot. You glanced at your phone, noticing a few messages from Kairi. You don’t know why you expected a text from Hyunjin, but in your hurry, you’d stupidly left your other phone at home. The one he bought you, where he’d text and call you. After all, keeping track of two phones was hard.

After a quick round of shots, you settled on the bar stools, watching all his drunk relatives, laughing about the stories he told you about them. The hours passed, and you were both tipsy, sitting so close at the bar. You could have easily kissed him. But you couldn’t stop thinking about Hyunjin. It’s like Jeonghan knew that too. He was holding your face, thumb brushing against your mouth as he mumbled in a drunk-haze, “You know what I think?"

"Hmm?"

"I think you should really get to that dinner, Y/N. I’ll be fine here.”

“I can’t leave you alone. I promised you.” You spoke. He laughed, “And I’m glad you came, but…wouldn’t your friend feel bad if you don’t show up?”

“She knows I have…prior obligations. They wouldn’t miss me.” You frowned, and suddenly the anxiety was back in your stomach. You were a little tired, and the thought of showing up at the dinner, where Hyunjin would definitely be, paralyzed you. Yet you also told Kairi you’d try your best to make it, even if only for a little while to grab dessert and you had to be a good friend to her too. Jeonghan nodded, “Just show up for her. I’m sure she would want you there. Plus, you look…really hot tonight. It’d be a waste to only wear that dress in front of my traditional old relatives. I’ll call you a taxi, okay?”

He was right. The formalities of the reception was over and now it was probably just going to be a never-ending party until dawn. It would be nice to see Kairi and the others tonight, even if you weren’t mentally prepared for it at all. You hadn’t thought you’d get a chance to get there at all. You cracked a smile at his consideration, looking up at him, “I guess I should get going now, if I want to make it in time for dessert. Only because you’re forcing me.”

Jeonghan nodded, helping you jump off the bar stool, and you looked back at the reception party. Everybody was having so much fun, you wish you could stay the entire night. You let Jeonghan lead you to the street, where the taxi waited for you. He thanked you for showing up and kissed you a short goodbye. When you sat in the taxi, you sent Kairi a simple text that you were on your way, and you hope that you were still welcome there.

»»————-

Of course things weren't going to go your way. The cab driver dropped you off on the wrong street, and after a long struggle in your kitten-heels you finally made it to Kairi’s doorstep. The cold had definitely sobered you up a bit, bringing back your nervousness about being here, but Kairi had clearly felt comfortable enough to have you over so you’d suck it up. Her place was inside a lavish apartment complex, and you rang the doorbell, waiting impatiently. Your stomach was already twisting at the prospect of meeting everyone, and at seeing him again. It was Chan who answered the door, and for a second it felt like you had no idea what to say, until he grinned, “You’re here!” He stepped forward and pulled you into a half-hug, on his doorstep. You were taken aback, definitely not expecting the physical contact. After all this was only your second time meeting him, but you bought your arm up, hugging him back briefly. His hair was curly, and he smelled nice. It was all you registered before he stepped back, inviting you in. 

“I’m sorry I’m so late. I was at a wedding…” You began to explain, and he shook his head, curls bouncing, “Don’t apologise! Kairi told me you had plans already so no hard feelings. We’re just glad you could make it in time…let me take your coat.”

He grabbed it from you, hooking it on a coat hanger as you looked around. It was a decently sized place, far bigger than your apartment. A set of stairs led to another floor. Dinner must have been really good, because you could still smell the aromas. Chan said, “And…I’ve been wanting to say this for a while, but sorry for my behaviour the last time we met, at Kairi’s birthday. I was really drunk and emotional, I’m not usually like that.”

“No, you were just really fucking desperate.” Kairi’s voice interrupted, and she ran over to you, pulling you into a tight hug. Relief surged through you at seeing her here. She looked beautiful, in a midnight blue corset, and high-waisted black pants to match and you smiled at her, “You look so good. Thank you for having me over. ”

“Me?” She laughed, raising an eyebrow, “Look at you. You’re all dolled up, like a fairy.”

“I’m really sorry I missed dinner. It smells amazing.” You frowned. She sighed dramatically, “I missed you to death, but I’ll live. This just means we need to do another one of these soon. Come on, everybody’s in there!”

Before you could mentally prepare, she’d pulled you into another room, Chan following behind. You tried to register everything. It was a cosy living room, ambient purple and orange lighting cast over everything. A popular pop song was playing at a low volume in the background. There was a lot of seating, a couch, and a bunch of unique, colourful chairs surrounded the coffee table. There seemed to be a lot of people in the room, and maybe that last round of shots had been a bad idea as you tried to register all of their faces. They were all busy in conversation, wine glasses in hand, not having noticed you yet, and you hoped it stayed like so. That way, you could just slip into conversation with no embarrassing announcement of your arrival. This was the first time you’d be meeting the band. There were two other people here that you didn’t recognise. They were both dressed casually, in cargo pants and a white beanie, and you felt a bit overdressed. “They’re some of Chan’s friends, and they work with the band. That’s Hanbin and that’s Sunmi.” Kairi leaned in to whisper. Somebody in the corner was playing the piano, a beautiful low melody, and Kairi tapped him on the shoulder, saying, “Hey. She’s here.”

Immediately, he stopped playing. Jisung — the one on the piano — burst into a smile and stood up, “Shit. You’re actually like, here!” He pulled you into a hug, just like Chan had, and they must all be touchy or very drunk. As he stepped back, he continued smiling, extending a hand, “Han Jisung, by the way.”

“We’ve met before…kind of.” You said, meeting his hand with yours. Realisation sank into his face, and all his expressions were exaggerated as he nodded, “Right, right, we have. In the company building when I dropped all your coins at the vending machine…I was an idiot.”

“When are you not?” Somebody joined you, slinging a strong arm around Jisung. You recognized him from the pictures, “Hey, Y/N…You must know who I am, right?” Changbin had a coy smile on his face, dressed in a navy button-up that only he could probably make look this good. You smiled at him, “Yeah, I do. It’s nice to meet you in person.”

He smiled, gesturing to someone, “I don’t think you’ve met Hanbin.” At those words, the boy you didn’t know stood from the couch, and you regretted pulling them out of their comfortable conversation circle, “Oh, you don’t need to get up for me.”

In the midst of the chaos and onslaught of introductions, your eyes finally found Hyunjin. He was standing by the couch, a drink in his hand, at the far end of the room, laughing about something with a girl — who was probably Sunmi. Your stomach jumped, goosebumps rippling up your entire body. He looked absolutely fucking insane. In a good way, in the best way. His hair was tied up into a low ponytail, but strands of hair fell into his face, framing it perfectly. The purple light cast rhythmic shadows on his face. He stood in a black sweater, and tight denim-wash jeans, one hand tucked into his pocket. He was only standing in a living room, but he could just as easily have been posing for a Vogue photoshoot, by his perfect stance. He hadn’t realized you were here yet, or maybe he was pretending to not notice. You didn’t have time to think about it before Hanbin stepped ahead, blocking him from your view, “Kairi would not stop talking about you the past three hours.”

You flushed, “Oh… I wish I could have been here for the entire dinner. Knowing her, it must have been great.”

“We did save you some.” Chan added. You murmured a thank you, feeling dizzy from all the attention. They were almost all talking over each other, and you were already so overwhelmed. Jisung gestured to you, “Grab a drink and sit with me.”

“No, let her eat first. Baby, you mind heating up the leftovers for Y/N?” Kairi asked Chan. You shook your head, “Please, there’s no need for that. I don’t want to be an inconvenience.”

Kairi rolled her eyes, “Girl, you’re my guest of honor.” Chan smiled at you, “You can follow me.” 

So, you went with him into the hallway, passing by a doorway. A door was left ajar, a glimpse into a room. It was only half a second, but you saw a wooden bed frame and a sliver of a wall of art, “Is that Kairi’s room?”

Chan shook his head, “It used to be, but she made it into a guest bedroom. Hyunjin mostly sleeps in there now. Come on. The kitchen’s through here.” He said, his strong voice guiding you through the corridor. “Right, sorry,” you said, turning away from the door and following him to the kitchen. The kitchen was big too, and set up beautifully, with marble countertops and a small kitchen island. Chan reached into the sink, rummaging through some dirty dishes, “Sorry. We’ve been meaning to run the dishwasher. Kairi kind of goes crazy at these dinners.”

You leaned against the counter, “That’s fine. No judgement.”

“Thank you.” He laughed, looking over his shoulder at you, “We’re usually much more organized than this, I promise.”

“You have a lot on your plate already, Chan. I completely understand.” You told him, with a smile. He laughed, “You’re sweet. I’m just heating up some of the chicken and fondant potatoes for you. That good?”

“Could I actually have some water? If… that’s okay” You asked. He smiled, “Of course it is. Make yourself at home. There are some clean mugs in the cabinet. You can just grab one and help yourself.” You walked around the island, opening up the cabinet. Mugs of different shapes and sizes were arranged precisely in there, and Kairi’s unique taste was definitely recognisable. A cerulean blue mug made of porcelain rested in the very back. You rather get a mug they sparsely used, so you reached for it, pulling it out. Pushing it under the tap, you began filling it with water. Chan glanced at you and your selection, “Oh. That’s Hyunjin’s favorite.”

You stilled, “Oh. Sorry. Should I pick another?”

Of course it fucking was. Why did you have to pick that one amongst all of them? “No, no, go ahead. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.” Chan smiled, pushing a button to start the dishwasher and then crossed his arms towards you, “I’ll just go see if the guys need any more drinks.”

“Sure.” You responded, taking a slow sip from the mug, and the knowledge that it was his favourite mug made you feel jittery. Doing all those shots before coming to see Hyunjin had been a terrible idea. You grabbed your water and held it tight, returning to the living room, where you could hear loud laughter from. They were all back in conversation, and Changbin was imitating a silly dance, making Hyunjin laugh. You stood under the archway, watching them. A few seconds went by, and Hyunjin was still laughing, crinkled eyes, and he reached up to tuck his hair back absentmindedly, and that’s when he saw you.

You don’t know what you were expecting. He stilled, eyes widening, trailing off in the middle of his conversation. He really hadn’t known you had arrived. His lips formed a small smile, and that was so fucking attractive, and from across the room, he mouthed, “Hey.”

The tension within you dissipated. You had to fight your smile, feeling lovestruck and lovesick by a smile word. All he said was hi. Then why did your knees already feel weak? Why did it feel like the first time you had seen him, unable to comprehend anything except his absolutely, insane beauty? You shot him a soft smile, mouthing back, “Hey.”

He sidestepped his friends, walking over to you, and you felt shy under his intense gaze. His stance was casual and so confident, and in another universe you could imagine meeting him at a college party like this. “You came.” He spoke, and you tilt your head up to look him in the eyes, “Yeah. I did.”

His eyes fell to the mug in your hands, and you realised there was a lipstick stain on it. Your lipstick stain. On his stuff. You apologised, “Um, sorry, Chan said I can—”

“Don’t worry” He interrupted too quick, eyes flickering over your form, “How are you?”

You’d already decided this was your time to be brave, and you weren’t going to hold back tonight, “I’m okay. I’ve been wanting to reach out to you and I—” 

“So, what took you so long tonight?” Hanbin asked, stepping up to the two of you. You glanced at him, wishing he hadn’t interrupted you but he was being polite so you spoke, “Oh, I was at a wedding reception. I promised my friend I’d be his date.”

“Ahh. That’s why you’re dressed up so pretty. Was it a good reception?” He asked. You smiled at his compliment, “Yeah. I…had a great time actually. It was definitely a fancy event.”

“Can I see the pictures? Please tell me you took some!” Kairi asked, overhearing the conversation. She was perched on Chan’s lap, and you shot Hyunjin an apologetic smile, you’d just have to speak to him later and you handed your phone over to her, “Yeah, actually I did. Jeonghan is kind of obsessed with taking pictures, so we took a lot.”

She scrolled through your gallery, and Jisung leaned in over her shoulder, catching a glimpse of the pictures too, “Wow. That shit looks…expensive.Your friend’s loaded.”

You laughed, “I guess his family is pretty rich.”

“He took a lot of pictures of just you.” Kairi teased, scrolling through, “I mean, I don’t blame him. You look like you stepped out of a fairytale.”

“Um. You should have seen the bride.” You laughed. Jisung was still nosily peeking into your phone, “So, who’s Jeonghan?”

“He’s a…friend.” You explained, while Chan handed you a drink. It seemed like one of his famous cocktails Hyunjin had told you about, but nothing could beat the drink he had made you on his last night in Daejon. Despite how much you wanted to try this, you really didn’t want to be drunk tonight, “Um…I shouldn’t. I already drank more than I should have tonight.”

“I mean, objectively, the best thing about weddings is the open bars,” Changbin pointed out. You laughed, “You’re right and Jeonghan used that same excuse to force me through five rounds of tequila.”

Jisung’s eyes widened, “You’re fucking kidding me. You must have a high tolerance if you’re so sober after five shots.”

“I think the walk in the cold definitely contributed to that” You joked, and then explained due to his perplexed look, “I must have put in the wrong location because the cab driver dropped me off a few blocks away.”

“In those shoes? I would have given up.” Changbin asked.

“So you took a cab alone?” Hyunjin suddenly asked. Your gaze darted to him, surprised he’d spoken up and you hadn’t realised how much you’d insanely missed his delicate voice. You nodded, “Um, yeah.”

“Your… friend sent you here in a cab when you were drunk and by yourself?”

“I mean…yeah. It wasn’t a big deal.”

“Nate couldn’t have dropped you here?” He asked. You frowned, “It’s not like I was gonna ask him to bring me here, it was his family’s party.” His eyebrows shot up, “Isn’t he rich? I’m sure he could have figured out a way.”

“These pictures are beautiful,” Kairi spoke, cutting the tension in the room as she handed you your phone back. You were staring at Hyunjin, and at his misplaced concern. Changbin had also clearly picked up on it, because he nudged him in the stomach, “If you were so worried about her, you should have offered to pick her up.”

Hyunjin took a sip of his drink, nonchalant face, “I did.”

Your eyes widened. When did he offer that? You showed your honest surprise, “I… didn’t know.”

The room was quiet, and Jisung chuckled, “Must be the first girl in history to ignore your texts, Jinnie”. 

The others laughed, but Hyunjin genuinely looked hurt that you hadn’t taken him up on his offer. In all truth, you never saw that text. If you did, you would have said yes. You’d forgotten the phone he gave you at your bedside table, and you couldn’t be blamed for not being able to keep track of it when so much was going on. You shook your head, “No, I just…had a lot on my mind, I was with Jeonghan the whole day, I must have missed it.”

Your response satisfied the room, but seemed to be the wrong answer for Hyunjin by the slight hurt in his eyes that only you noticed. It sucked because the last thing you wanted to do was make him feel like that tonight.

“So how do you know Kairi?” Hanbin asked, smiling attentively at you. You couldn’t focus, hoping Hyunjin wasn’t genuinely hurt and spoke, “Oh…it was just a coincidence. I met her in a bar.” Kairi nodded along, “And she offered to give me her jacket! Some fucking loser had thrown his drink on me.”

Hanbin laughed, adjusting his beanie, “I see. I see...So I take it you’re not a fan then?”

“Sorry?”

“You ain’t heard these guys’ music before?” He gestured towards the boys. You nodded, realising he was asking if you liked the band “Oh, some of it, yeah.”

“Oh, you’re hurting my feelings, Y/N.” Changbin pouted. Sunmi rolled her eyes, “No, it’s a breath of fresh air to see you not fawning over them. I like you already.”

Oh, if only she knew how much you did obsess over one of them. She would be concerned for you, if she could read your mind around him. You forced a smile, “I just honestly… hadn’t heard of it until a few months ago.”

Her eyes widened, “You’re kidding. How do you live in Seoul and not hear of them?” Then Chan leaned forward, adding to explain to you, “Sunmi’s one of our producers, by the way. She’s been with us since our second album. One of the best.”

“And Y/N isn’t a local.” Kairi added, “She moved here a while ago.”

“Yeah the music scene back home is….not the biggest.” You said briefly, not wanting to talk about yourself too much. You had been hoping to blend in, not be the centre of attention tonight and Sunmi asked, “And where is… back home?”

“Okay! A pause on the questions. I need Y/N for something.” Kairi interrupted, coming over to you and leaned in to whisper, “Wanna come with me to the kitchen? I’m getting another drink.”

You nodded, relieved she could pick up on your body language. As soon as you were out of earshot of the living room, she mumbled, “I’m sorry. They ask you a lot of questions. I don’t want you to feel like you’re being interrogated.”

“No, I don’t mind, I’m just kind of tired and feel like I may not be at my best social energy right now.” You apologised, leaning against the counter, as she made a cocktail for herself. Her eyes wandered over you, “You really do look beautiful. I love the glitter eyeshadow.”

“You like my bow?” You smiled, twirling to show her. She laughed, “It’s the cherry on top. So, how was it tonight with Nate? As far as I remember…. he has the biggest crush on you, or he’s just a very sincere… fuckboy.”

“Regardless…I had a really good time with him.” You said, running your finger along the marble slab. You could hear Jisung and Changbin’s loud laughter from the other room. They seemed like a lot of fun, and you definitely wanted to relax for the rest of the night. You wanted them to like you too, so perhaps you could do with a little liquid courage. As if she read your mind, Kairi finished mixing her drink then tilt her head, “You suuure you don’t want one?”

But every other time you’d gotten tipsy around Hyunjin, you’d ended up doing something stupid. “No, I…think I’ll stick with water.” You decided. She let out a sigh, taking a sip of her vodka, “Did you two kiss tonight?”

“Me and Jeonghan…?” You were surprised at the question. She hummed, “Yeah, sorry if that was weird to ask. I just know…things between you and Hyunjin…aren’t the best.”

“Did you hear us? The other night in the car?” You ended up asking, even though it was embarrassing for you to bring up that argument. She looked up at you, “Bits and pieces.”

“And what’d you think?” You bit your lip. She sighed, “I think you both…have a lot of pent-up feelings. It’s good you got them out.”

“It felt…immature to fight him. I’m sorry you had to see me like that. I’m usually not…that vocal”

“There was nothing wrong with what you said. I mean, trust me, I’ve had a hell of a lot more aggressive fights with Chris. We end up saying a lot of stuff we don’t mean.”

“Well, that’s the thing. I meant everything. I don’t really regret any of it.”

“Then he needed to hear that.” Kairi agreed, “I didn’t know he cut you off like that completely. I would have been devastated if I was you. I’d say you handled it pretty well… Hyunjin doesn’t really talk to me about you, and I wish I could be more helpful. How do you feel now?”

You shrugged, “I don’t know if I mentioned it to you, but he took me shopping last week… I don’t know how I feel about it. It felt a lot like a date, but it wasn’t. I just…wish I had some surety from him, you know?”

Her hand landed on yours comfortingly, “Well, you don’t have to decide right now. I’m just glad you chose to come tonight.”

“Are you girls gonna spend the entire night gossiping without us?” Jisung interrupted. You turned and saw him in the kitchen doorway, arms crossed. You hope he didn’t overhear anything. Kairi laughed, “What do you need?”

Jisung grinned widely, “Well, actually. I was gonna go get ice from the fridge upstairs, if any of you want to accompany me for that? Make you feel helpful.”

“I could come with.” You offered, smiling at him. He did a small fist pump, “Exactly the outcome I was hoping for. No offence, Kair”

As you followed him up the stairs to the storage room, he reminded you, “Be careful, your heels. I’ve fallen face-first on these steps more times than I’d admit.” 

Your heart warmed at his concern, and you grabbed the bannister to keep your balance.“Cool place though, right?” He asked, looking back at you as you observed the framed pictures on the wall and he continued, “Me and the boys used to spend a lot of our weekends here.”

“Oh? That must have been nice….” You walked into a storage room, of sorts. A mini-fridge stood in the corner and Jisung pulled it open, grabbing the ice box as he looked back at you, “Yeah. Kairi got so sick of having us over, she ended up turning her study into another guest room.”

“Of course she did.” You laughed, “Do you still come here often?”

He shook his head, reaching for more ice, “After Chan and Kairi broke up, we obviously stopped for a while, but… I’m hoping to get back to normal. Couldn’t be more thrilled that they’re back together.”

“Me too. They seem pretty…perfect for each other.” You smiled. He stood up straight, his ribbed top riding up, and you looked away. All of them were so attractive it was hard to comprehend such a pretty friend group existed. He grinned at you, “I should thank you for that.”

“Me? I… didn’t do anything” 

“Do you mind holding this?” He handed you the ice box momentarily, “Well, Hyunjin told me that you helped them meet up at her birthday.”

“Oh. Right.” You nodded, gripping it within your hands and it was freezing, condensation making it slip in your palms, “I…guess I did.” You had the urge to ask him what else he talked about with him, but this was your first time meeting Jisung, and that would be weird to ask. “Sure sounded like a fun party. Hyunjin told me you organise those a lot.” Jisung continued, taking back the ice box from you, “And tell me about it downstairs. I would love to talk to you in this storage room all night, but… let’s get this ice to them before all of it melts, and before Changbin threatens to kill me again.”

Back in the living room, the music seemed louder when you returned, and Hyunjin was engaged in an intense conversation with Sunmi and Changbin. Kairi was showing Chan something on her phone. You settled on a seat, and Jisung naturally pulled up a chair to be closer to you. He clinked his drink with yours, before he took a big mouthful, cheeks full of the liquid before swallowing. “So…what was I saying?” Jisung asked, dropping his voice so only you could hear him. You took a sip of your water, already feeling more at ease around him, “About how I’m a really great party planner.”

He smiled, “Right. That. Have you ever thought of doing that professionally?”

You laughed, “Honestly, I don’t know what Hyunjin was talking about. I’ve only organised two parties in my life…my best friend's and Kairi’s…they both ended in a disaster.”

“You’re too hard on yourself, I’m sure.” Jisung rolled his eyes, “So… he also happened to mention you’re real good at art. Can I see some of it or are you going to be shrouded in mystery forever?”

You giggled, reaching for your phone, “There is absolutely nothing mysterious about that, Jisung. You can see it, but… it’s not the best.”

He peeked into your phone gallery as you showed him a few paintings you’d made over the past few years, and Jisung probably wasn’t interested in art, but he still smiled, reacting overtly to each of them and even pointing out which ones he liked. He reminded you a lot of Yeonjun in that sense, where he took interest in something just because of his friends. He was playful, and it was nice to see the physical manifestation of all the stories Hyunjin told you about. You glanced up and Hyunjin was looking at you, probably curious about why you and Jisung were peeking into your phone, so you explained, “I was just showing him some of my paintings.”

He nodded, making brief eye contact with Jisung before he said, “Ah. I’m uh…going to check on the dessert.”

“Do you want my help?” You asked, already moving to stand up. He shook his head, “No, don’t worry. I wouldn’t wanna pull you away from the conversation.”

Disappointed, you settled back down, and Jisung spoke, “Can I ask you something, honestly though?”

“Yeah?”

“Why’d you leave your fancy wedding date to come here?”

“I…promised Kairi I’d try to make it here.” You replied, staring at the liquid in your glass. Jisung hummed, “Right, right. I see.” You were glad he didn’t push you further, seeing as how he was Hyunjin’s best friend and any answer you could come up with would be embarrassing. Before you could say anything further anyway, Changbin started talking about an incident on their trip to Japan, and you let yourself be swept up into the conversation. He was a great storyteller, and so charismatic. It wasn’t too hard to imagine why they were so famous. You’d only been here an hour or so, and you could listen to them talk for hours. Almost mesmerised by their dynamic, you watched the boys talk, losing track of time… and of how long Hyunjin had been gone. Your mug lay empty on the coffee table, and you stood up to refill it, when Changbin asked, “Where the fuck is Jinnie?”

“Probably hyper-fixating in the kitchen. Y/N, do you think you could call him out?” Jisung replied, looking at you expectantly. You blanked, feeling taken aback by the question. Kairi noticed, moving to stand, “Um, I can get—”

“No, that’s fine.” You spoke. You were braver than that and it would finally give you the chance to talk to him by yourself, “I can just get him.”

“Okay…” She settled back down, shooting you a comforting smile. You walked over to the kitchen, and your heels were so loud on the tiled floor that he’d definitely hear you coming. The door was closed, and you knocked lightly, not wanting to interrupt him. 

“Come in.” His voice carried to you. You pushed the door open, eyes falling on him. He was leaning against the counter, drinking from his glass, staring into nothing. Well. He was staring at the oven, but why was he alone in here? He looked over his shoulder, eyes flickering over your form, “Oh. Hey.”

You stood awkwardly by the door, hand holding it open, “Hi. Um. The guys were…asking for you. I thought you were getting dessert.” He looked around, at the mess of things, “I was. It’s still not ready, so I decided to wait for it. You can let them know I’ll be there soon.”

“Oh.” You spoke, wondering if you should leave… but you were curious, “You’ve been in here by yourself for really long.”

“Yeah. Just wanted to be by myself for a bit.”

A tinge of hurt hit you, “Oh…do you want me to leave?”

He let out a sigh, putting his glass on the counter, and turned to face you, “No…you don’t have to do that.”

“But…you just said you want to be by yourself.”

“Yeah.” He glanced at you, amused look on his face, “That…obviously doesn’t include you.”

You’d been standing on the threshold the entire time, but at those words, you stepped in, letting the door shut behind you. You looked around the little kitchen, “Sorry I used your mug.”

He chuckled, running a hand through his hair, “That’s fine. I’m surprised you ended up picking mine. Guess we like the same things.”

“You could say that.” You breathed, hands behind your back. His gaze felt so strong on you, and it was so quiet in here compared to the chaos of the outside. He smiled lightly, when you asked him, “So…what dessert are we having tonight?” 

He glanced at the oven, “A…strawberry tart. You like those?”

You thought about it, “I don’t know. I haven’t had one since I was a kid anyway.”

Hyunjin put his hands on the counter, tilting his head, “Really? Felix never baked one for you?”

“He was kind of obsessed with chocolate…I had too much of that.” You recalled. Hyunjin smiled, nodding, “Right. I remember trying out the treats he made us…when we went to the Creek for the swim.”

“Wow…that feels like it was ages ago.” You remembered. Hyunjin nodded, “It was. I guess. Feels like a lifetime ago.”

“Do you miss it?” You ended up asking. His expression softened, “I…do. Your friends were fun to hang out with.”

“Aren’t they your friends too?” You laughed. He shrugged cutely, “Right, but I don’t think I would’ve talked to anybody in town if it wasn’t for you.”

You smiled, “I think you’re giving me too much credit. That was all Hana. She’s the one who…introduced you to us.”

“You miss them? Your friends?” He asked. You sighed, leaning against the door, crossing your arms to keep warm as you thought about it, “Yeah. Recently I’ve missing home so much and my friends, well at this point they’re…like my family. It sucks being separated from them. Kind of like…how you felt when you were away from the boys.”

“I’m sorry if I forced you to stay.” He suddenly said, “I realize that…it may have been my emotionally clouded judgment, and I feel like… I guilted you into staying here. Maybe it was selfish of me.”

Your eyes narrowed, a realisation sinking in as to why he seemed a little distant, “Is that why you’re in here by yourself?”

He nodded, “Yeah. Just needed to take my mind off things. I guess honestly, I just…miss spending time with you, like we did back home. The other night, I was learning a new routine and realised you’ve never even seen me dance. Not in person, at least. I mean, isn’t that crazy? We’ve known each other so long, but there’s so much of me you don’t know. The thought freaked me out, and then…”

“And then?”

“Then I started thinking that it goes the other way too. There’s so much of you I still haven’t seen.” He said, “Like the other day, when you wore the jacket, I realised…I only know you in the summer. I haven’t seen you in winter."

Your heart squeezed at his confusing but thoughtful words, and you smiled, “I’m the same in all the seasons, Hyunjin.”

He was looking at you from across the room, “I don’t think that’s true.”

“Did you know I was coming here tonight?” 

He shook his head, “I didn’t think you would. Kairi told me you had a wedding date with Jeonghan…”

“Yeah, I did. He understands though…this was just as important.”

He nodded, “Right.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I would love to see you dance…if you feel comfortable.”

He looked at you at that, smiling slightly, before a short embarrassed laugh, “Yeah."

The oven let out a ding, interrupting whatever you might say. He smiled wide, and his demeanour already seemed lighter, “It’s done. Do you wanna do the honor?”

“Oh. Sure”. You stepped over to him,, and he pulled open the oven door. He was standing so close now that you could see the perspiration slide down his jaw, droplets cascading down neck, and he must have been nervous this whole time. You bent down to see into the oven, and it smelled amazing, but before you could grab the handle of the hot pan, you felt a firm grip on your arm stopping you, “Wait—”. 

Startled, you looked up at Hyunjin, his hand circling your wrist tightly, “What?”

His eyes searched yours, “It’s burning hot. Y/N. You’ll hurt yourself.”

You then realised you weren’t wearing any mitts, and you were just gonna grab the baking dish like so, with bare hands. How stupid. Your hair fell into your eyes, making it harder to see Hyunjin, but you mumbled a pathetic, “Oh.”

He reached out to tuck your hair behind your ear, then let out a chuckle, voice soft, “What were you thinking?” 

You swallowed, staring at his lips, “I wasn’t.”

He smiled, standing up tall, “I got this.”

Your face felt hot, and you were only a little mortified. Carefully, Hyunjin placed the baking dish on the kitchen counter, taking off his oven mitts; they were red and matched your dress. He nudged you, elbow against yours, “You wanna be the first one to try it? I’ll let you have an extra piece and if you end up liking it and want the whole thing, I can just tell the others I burnt the dish.”

You laughed, looking up at him, “You’d lie to your friends so I could have more pastry?”

A knock on the door pulled your attention to Chan. He peeked in, “Hey guys. Sorry, I don’t want to interrupt…but Hanbin’s leaving, so he wanted to say goodbye.”

“Oh. Of course” Hyunjin said, and you followed them out into the foyer, where Hanbin and Sumni stood in their winter coats already and everybody was gathered around them. Kairi was hugging them, when Hyunjin spoke, “You’re not staying for dessert? Come onn.”

Hanbin smiled apologetically, “Dude, it’s gonna snow again, and the traffic’s terrible. If we don’t leave now, we won’t make it home until morning.”

“Oh, you should still take some of the strawberry tart some with you” Kairi said, running back into the kitchen, “I have a few takeout containers.”

You looked at Sunmi, “You said traffic’s going to be bad?” She nodded, “Yeah, Seoul basically shuts down in bad weather. We don’t wanna risk it. It’ll only get worse, but …it was really nice meeting you tonight, Y/N.”

You glanced at Chan, realising they were probably right, and your stomach sank, “Oh. I guess I should probably get going too then.”

“What?” Jisung complained loudly, “You just got here.”

“We can drop you off.” Hanbin suggested, “Our car’s parked out front.”

Jisung let out a dramatic sigh. You didn’t really want to leave, you were just getting to warm up to Hyunjin, but you didn’t have a choice. If you didn’t leave, you could be stuck until tomorrow. You reached for your coat, “That sounds good Hanbin, as long as it’s not an inconvenience.”

Kairi walked back in with takeout boxes in hand, and her eyes narrowed, “What’s going on? Y/N’s leaving too?”

You slipped your coat on, tossing your hair out of it, “They said they could take me home. The snow’s piling up....” Kairi shook her head, “Nope. You’re not leaving.”

You laughed, stepping closer to grab her hand, “What do you mean? I don't want to leave but I I don’t exactly have a choice.”

She squeezed your hands, “Babe, you just got a few hours ago. Stay a while, and if things are still bad when you want to leave, you can just sleep in my guest bedroom. I mean, that’s what it’s for.”

You considered it, and then Changbin spoke, “See? You have no excuses. So if you still decide to leave now, that just means you hate us.”

You laughed, “Okay, I guess I can stay a little.”

Kairi squealed, pulling you into a hug. Your heart warmed at the idea that they all wanted to spend more time with you. It was only the first time you were meeting most of them, but they still reacted like that. It made you feel wanted. You’d only been craving that all this while. From the corner of your eye, you caught Hyunijn’s reaction. He wasn’t dramatically expressive, unlike Changbin or Jisung, who wore their emotions on their sleeve. Hyunjin was watching this exchange quietly from the corner, arms across his chest, leaning against a pillar. He seemed calm, like he was okay with whatever you ended up doing, but he was gazing at you so intently it made you want to stay just so he’d look at you like that the rest of the night.

»»————-

In a matter of an hour, the strawberry tart had been cut up and shared, and remnants lay on porcelain plates decorating the coffee table. Kairi had beautiful crockery. She had a beautiful home. She had beautiful friends. Changbin was funnier than you expected — Hyunjin had never talked about his humour before, and you were glad you were discovering it on your own now. He was also touchy, he’d find excuses to touch Hyunjin and Jisung every now and then, a giggle on his face when they unwittingly pushed him away. You’d only been here a few hours, but watching their dynamic unfolding was wonderful.

After Hanbin and Seonmi had left, you’d moved over to the couch, which was much more comfortable than your earlier seat, and Hyunjin had surprisingly stayed where he was…which happened to be right next to you. He was manspreading, leaning against the couch arm, a drink in his hand. The music playing was much softer now, so it was easier to have the conversations and listen to them, and Jisung was playing the piano again quietly. Kairi animatedly explained something to him, and Chan was just listening with a smile on his face, while he stroked her back. They were so cute it made you want to die. You snuck glances at Hyunjin to your right, every now and then. He was still calm as ever, but his cheeks were red from all the drinking. His hair was messier too, and it made him look hotter than you could ever imagine. It was hard to look him in the eye, when he looked this good, so you focused on everything else. You were so engaged in another one of Changbin’s crazy stories, you didn’t realize when you reached to pull your dress down, you accidentally put your hand on Hyunjin’s thigh.

You don’t know what you were thinking. You’d severely miscalculated the distance between you. It was only for a second, but he noticed. Of course he fucking noticed. Instantly, he tensed up, pausing in the middle of his sip. You wondered if he’d push it away. If he’d tell you to stop, or ask what you were doing. Instead, he lift the drink to his mouth like nothing happened. You pulled your hand back before anybody else noticed. It was only an accident after all.

Changbin’s attention was all on you; he’d been telling you about his favorite records and artists in the music industry. He was enjoying the strawberry tart Hyunjin baked, leaving crumbs behind, and paused to ask you, “So now that you’ve been here a while, what’s your favorite place in the city?” You tilt your head, mulling over it, “I’ll have to think about that…I haven’t seen all of it yet.”

“Nobody’s seen all of it, Y/N” Jisung rolled his eyes, punctuating it with a laugh, “Even though some of us have been here our whole lives.”

That was hard for you to comprehend. You knew every inch of Daejon, every rock, every tree, each house. You’d eaten at every restaurant, shopped in every boutique, and knew everybody. “This might be a stupid question but do you never feel like exploring more of it?” You asked. Changbin shrugged, “It’s not really possible. Nobody has the time or the energy, or the money.”

“Yeah.” Hyunjin spoke, surprising you. You glanced at him, and he paused from drinking to address you, “I feel that…people here get stuck in their little convenient routines and never feel a want for more.”

Your eyes searched his, “What do you mean?”

He swirled the drink in his glass, “So many people here…get so comfortable. Not that there’s anything wrong with comfort, but when you live in a city like this…I don’t understand. They only go to the same coffee shop for fifty years, the same restaurants, not really trying anything new.”

“I hate that.” You spoke up, before he’d even finished speaking. You hated the idea of that, of an endless routine, and an unchanging life. It was one of the few things in life you were sure about. Hyunjin was looking at you and only you, as he spoke, “I know. So many people here…build their life around a few places, and those places become their life. Even though the city is so much bigger than that, and I guess I hate…the idea of settling for whatever there is.” 

Changbin cleared his throat, “Well. I think I’m too drunk for this conversation.”

A tissue box lay on the end table next to Hyunjin. Turning back to the room, you asked, “Is it okay if I have the last piece of the pastry?�� It was a unanimous yes, and when you bit into the tart, little crumbs fell to your thighs, and between your thighs. It was a mess so naturally, you said, “Sorry, could you pass me that, Hyunjin?”

He looked around, noticing the only thing next to him, the box of tissues. He nodded, “Yeah, of course” and reached in for a few, passing them to you. You took them from him, fingers brushing against his. Your stomach flipped at the sensation. His hand was so warm, and your fingers lingered on his a while longer — as long as you could without making it weird. Then, you simply wiped away the crumbs from your thighs, drawing Hyunjin’s brief attention to them. After all, you’d only been this messy with the pastry so you’d have an excuse to talk to him.

You wonder if he picked up on that. You hadn't been too subtle about it, being as messy as you could possibly be just so he'd have an excuse to give you the tissues. Hyunjin was so close to you, after being so out of reach. Being in the same room as him wasn’t enough, sitting on the same couch as him wasn’t enough. You wanted to touch him, be on him, and for him to be on you. You did feel kind of insane, but this was so much more than how crushes or boyfriends had ever made you feel. The desire you felt...you never even knew that was humanely possible. You were so lost in him, and his warm body sitting next to yours that you wouldn’t notice even if the room around you disappeared completely. Still, you owed something to the rest so you asked, “Um, what about you Changbin? What’s your favorite place?” 

He lift his glass up, a wide grin on his face, “That’s easy. The recording studio.” Chan laughed, picking up on your conversation, “I second that answer.”

They really loved what they did. You wonder why your favorite place wasn’t automatically the painting studio. Shouldn’t it be that, seeing as to how that was your biggest purpose in life? But ever since the past few weeks, you dreaded returning to a studio. The thought made your stomach sink. If you weren’t an artist, what even were you? It sent you into a spiral, and you were dissociating from this party, just thinking about it.

“You okay?”

You could drown in the softness of that voice. A gentle touch to your shoulder, and you looked at Hyunjin as he lowered his voice, asking again, “You feel fine?”

You nodded, gripping your dress tightly, “Yeah, I was just…thinking about something.”

“Good, or bad?” He whispered, not wanting to interrupt all of the conversations in the room. You stared at him, “I don’t know. Bad.”

“Do you want to step out of here?” He asked. He was so attentive. Maybe he could be the solution for your predicament too. You shook your head, “I want to ask you something but it’s kind of…random.”

“I’m listening.” He spoke, an amused smile on his features. You swallowed, fiddling with the glass in your lap, and it was easy to filter out every noise in the room when he was next to you, “We always talked about painting together. Would you still be up for something like that? Or…are you too busy with your schedule?”

“If that’s something you want to do, we can do it together.” He replied, “I have a personal studio…you could come to my place, or…I could come to yours.”

“Maybe I should come to yours. I…wanna see your room too.” You spoke. He cracked a smile, “We can make that happen.”

In the midst of all this, you shifted, absentmindedly inching closer to Hyunjin on the couch, until your leg was completely touching his. You felt like a school girl finding excuses to touch her crush, and even just this little touch sent fireworks in your belly. He didn’t move away this time either, and that was a triumph in your book. He just sent you a comforting smile. Of course, the bubble popped, and Jisung said something, pulling your attention back to him, “You should really visit our recording studio, Y/N. I think you’d appreciate the…precision and organisation of everything.” 

“How do you know that’s something I like?” You laughed. He shrugged, “I’ve only known you for a few hours, but you definitely give off that vibe.”

“Well, that’s pretty accurate, I’d say,” Kairi laughed, then looked to you, “I think you’d appreciate the way Chan organized my record collection.”

“You have a record collection?” You were surprised. She rolled her eyes, “Of course I do. I’m pretentious like that.”

“I can show you. They’re right by the TV.” Chan proposed, standing up. You didn’t want to leave Hyunjin’s side and warmth, but you didn’t want to miss out on this opportunity, so you stood up, “I’d love that.” It was in the same room, so at least you wouldn’t be too far from Hyunjin, and Chan began showing you the TV cabinet and how he’d arranged all the records in order of release and by band. He was giggling, explaining something, and you told him how much this reminded you of Yeonjun - he also had a similar collection of DVDs. Chan’s eyes lit up at that. He was surprised that people still bought DVDs, and you mentioned that he should meet Yeonjun. It was a crazy thing to suggest, but you didn’t think too much of it. Your two worlds colliding. You think they’d like each other. Thinking of it, Chan would probably like Felix, too. As he sifted through the records, you glanced back over to the couch where Hyunjin and Jisung were having an animated conversation. He seemed so happy, laughing loudly, eyes crinkling. You’d missed seeing him like that. You’d been getting used to meeting the tense version of him, and this was a welcome change. Around the people he loved, he seemed like the truest version of himself.

You wanted to catch a subtle glance at him for another split-second. But you caught so much more. He was staring at you. He was speaking to someone but his gaze kept flickering back to you, and he wasn’t even subtle about it. At least you had tried to not be so obvious, but he was blatantly checking you out. His gaze would flicker from his friends, to you, to your dress, to your legs. It made you feel dizzy, and you tried to not react.

You couldn’t still be upset at him for what happened all those weeks ago. He’d apologized, and he already said it was the hardest thing he had done. He had more than made up for it, hadn’t he? He had convinced you to stay. You’d tried so hard to move on, to force feelings for others, you’d kissed another boy, but it was impossible. Ever since he left Daejon…you’d tried to not think about him, but he was everywhere and in everything you saw. In your good moments, and in your bad. Even after he broke your heart, he was all around you.

Chan started telling you about his favorite records, and you got lost in the conversation until Kairi called him back, whining cutely from the empty armchair. So with a few top-tier record recommendations by Chan, you made your way back to the couch, and Hyunjin was still laughing over a silly joke. He shifted so you could sit, and as soon as you did, he asked you, “Find anything you liked?”

“Quite a few. I’m excited to hear them.”

And just like that, with a small smile and a nod, Hyunjin’s hand moved to your bare thigh. Your dress had ridden up as soon as you’d sat back down, and he had jumped at the opportunity with no hesitation. Your heart raced at the realisation. Anybody could see this, but he didn’t seem to care. He inched upwards, settling comfortably on your upper thigh, right where the hem of your dress ended. It sent a wave of arousal though you. Jisung began speaking again. Trying to be nonchalant was hard, when your heart was jumping up and down at this little development. A part of you was so happy he’d forgotten any and all unsaid boundaries that he had set himself months ago. Things had changed with him, and you wanted to dig into his brain to find out what led to this behaviour. What happened to not wanting you, to not taking risks, to not wanting a relationship or love? 

The others didn’t seem to care that Hyunjin was touching you so openly, or that he’d completely checked out of the conversation. He was too preoccupied with touching you. His thumb drew circles on your bare skin, and it was comforting, it wasn’t meant to be sexual, but how could it also not be? You’d been starved for this, so you couldn’t help the sensations through you at his simple touch. Chan spoke to you again, “You should really come to the building. We can show you around. Eunwoo would probably be okay with it.”

You guessed that Eunwoo was their manager’s name, and you supposed that Chan was directing that to Hyunjin, but Hyunjin had completely stopped participating in this discussion, forgetting that he held a purpose to this gathering other than touching you like this. But no purpose could be greater than that, could it? 

Each circle he traced sent a shiver down your spine, strokes of lightning down your thigh, between your legs. Jisung started talking about something else, and you couldn’t keep track. You were lightheaded. You were dying. Each second that Hyunjin’s thumb brushed against your thigh, you screamed a bit inside. He was so nonchalant with it, holding your leg at a party like you were his. You were his. Despite everything. His metallic rings were cold on your skin, and Hyunjin's hands slipped between your thighs. All of his friends were here, but nobody was looking at that. Hyunjin was talking to Chan, smiling occasionally, and groping your thigh at the same time. You wish he'd never stop. It was so fucking hot. Your head was spinning, and your heart felt like it might collapse from beating too fast. It couldn’t be normal for it to pound so loudly in your chest. Could everyone in this room hear you? Could they hear the insanity within you for him? Why couldn’t he should just drop this charade, take you away and fuck you right now?

A drink. You needed a drink. You interrupted the conversation, perhaps speaking far too loudly, “Han, could you please pass me the bottle of wine?”

Han nodded, reaching over with the bottle clumsily, and it was fine until it wasn’t. He was too drunk and preoccupied as he handed it to you. The wine spilled over, landing right on your lap and soaking your dress. “Fuck!” Jisung exclaimed, standing up, “I’m so sorry!”

Hyunjin pulled his hand back from your thigh, at the sudden sensation. It was like a cold shower, snapping you out of your daze. The liquid ruined your dress, and it was an expensive one, but it wasn’t Jisung’s fault. You wouldn’t blame him when it was entirely your fault. You didn’t want to disrupt the party, so you quickly stood up, “Don’t worry about it.” You glanced at Kairi, who’d vaguely registered that this had happened, “Could I use your bathroom?”

“Of course. Do you need me to bring you a change of clothes?”

“No, it should be fine. Excuse me…” You made your way out of the living room. You went up the stairwell, the music fading in the background. Your heels were muffled on the carpeted staircase, and your legs felt shaky. Jisung had informed you the bathroom was to the right. You stepped in, catching a glimpse of yourself in the reflection. Your hair was messier than it should be, but it was still fine. You hadn’t drank anything in the past few hours, but you definitely felt drunk. Opening the faucet, you splashed droplets of water onto your dress. The wine had completely spread out, staining the skirt, and your only respite was that it was red wine on a red dress. You braced yourself against the countertop, letting out a sigh, wondering if this had been a stupid idea.

A soft knock pulled you out of your despair.

“Come in.” You unlocked the door to Hyunjin standing there. He was leaning against the doorway, hands tucked in his pockets, “Hey…you okay?” His concerned gaze fell to your dress, “What’s the verdict? Will the dress survive?”

“You tell me.” You laughed, lifting it up to show him the wine stain. He grimaced, “Shit. You need help?” You didn’t. After all, what could he do that you couldn’t? But you nodded, “Yeah”

He stepped in. The bathroom was tiny. It was cute, with a marble countertop and Kairi clearly had a flair for decoration. Hyunjin pushed his sleeves up, wetting his hands in the sink and grabbed the hem of your dress, fingers rubbing at the stain. He was bent over, eyebrows furrowed and concentrated. He must be trying a new cologne. His scent was so strong, infiltrating your brain, your body, your being. It was sexy, and it was so him. It didn’t help how dizzy you felt.

“I don’t think it's going to come out.” You said truthfully, so he wouldn’t engage in a losing battle. He seemed determined though, “I’m sorry. Jisung can be…such a klutz sometimes.”

“It wasn’t his fault.” You said, as Hyunjin suggested, “There must be something in the cabinet that would help, like a wine stain remover or something.”

“I doubt it.” You laughed, leaning against the counter and Hyunjin dejectedly let go of your skirt. He was frowning, a stupid pout on his pretty face, “It’s a shame… That’s a beautiful dress.”

You smiled, accepting this loss and crossed your arms, “Don’t worry too much. It’s only temporary. I’m sure it can be fixed.”

“Maybe I can step into Kairi’s closet, and grab you another dress?” He suggested. You shook your head before he could finish, “You don’t need to do that for me.”

Yet he was about to leave, determined to get you out of this sticky situation. A surge of panic rose through you. You grabbed the front of his sweater, pulling him back in, “Wait, Hyunjin.”

He stumbled back to you, confused, “Yeah?”

Your voice fell to a lower tone, a little embarrassed at your urgency, “Don’t go just yet.”

His eyes met yours, an intense look in them, “Why?”

Your eyes closed, and you were still gripping onto his sweater, “My head is spinning.”

“You drank too much?” He realised. You opened your eyes to look at him, and he was much closer than you’d anticipated, “I guess I was trying to deal with being in the same room as you.” You joked, with a dry chuckle. He seemed amused, “You really can’t stand me that much?”

You bit your lip, glancing up at him, wondering if he missed all the obvious signs tonight, “You know that’s not true.”

“And I know that your head’s not really spinning.” He said without pause. You frowned, straightening up, “How could you possibly know that?”

His lips curled up, and he could probably hear your pounding heart, “You didn’t even have a single sip tonight. I was looking at you the entire night.”

So he noticed that all you drank was water tonight, but you had to keep up appearances, “You’re accusing me of lying?”

“Maybe you’re just trying to keep me in here with you.”

Your voice dropped, “Why would I do that, Hyunjin?”

His eyes crinkled, an amused expression on his face which was so cocky that it pissed you off and turned you on at the same time. He said, “I don’t claim to know your secret agenda.”

“I don’t have an agenda.”

He shrugged, a smile playing at his lips, “Spilling wine on yourself on purpose sure makes it seem like you have one.”

“What are you talking about?” You gasped, laughing in disbelief at his accusation, “Why would I do something so stupid?”

“Because you knew I’d follow you.” He gripped the marble counter behind you, caging you between his arms. You lost your words, heat rising to your cheeks, and suddenly reality was settling in. He was closer to you every second, and you could see every detail on his face - you could see yourself in his eyes, and his lips were so close to to being on yours. The situation seemed all too familiar, and you had to think straight. You couldn’t let yourself be driven by lust again, you couldn’t just be conveniently kissing him, no matter how much you wanted it, without knowing what it meant to him. You mumbled, hands reaching up to his chest, like a physical barrier between your bodies, and it took you strength to do and say so, “Hyunjin…you can’t kiss me if you’re just going to leave again.”

His voice was soft, “I think for me to leave you tonight, someone would have to kill me."

Something in you shifted, and your body was buzzing and tingly all over. He never had trouble leaving you before so you couldn't understand, “What... changed?”

He paused, as if finding the right words, “Even when you were gone…you were everywhere.”

His gaze fixated on yours, like he could see right through you, into your soul, and maybe he could this entire time. Maybe that’s why everything he spoke was thoughts you’d kept hidden, and every touch felt like coming home. When he was gone, he was everywhere too. If you ever needed more of a sign...then this was it. There were so much you could say to him in that moment, but you just settled for saying, “You were right.” 

He was incapable of looking in your eyes, gaze fixated on your lips, “About what—?” And in the same second, you pulled him to you, unable to keep any of this charade up longer, fists knotted in his shirt, crushing his lips to yours. 

A surprised noise left his mouth at your urgency but Hyunjin was a lover before he was anything else and so he recovered within seconds, grabbing your face to kiss you back. His grip was tight, and desperate, and you pushed him until he was against the door. His lips tasted of a strange combination of red wine and of strawberry tart, and he pressed his mouth to yours so hard it could bruise, one hand around your neck, the other gripping your jaw, and it wasn't enough. He only pulled back to breathe, and let out a breathless chuckle, “I was right about what?”

“I did drop the wine on purpose.” You admitted, wondering his reaction, but he just immediately grabbed you again, crushing your mouths together again. It was stupid but you just needed to be alone with him, and it was the only way you could think of. He laughed in between the kiss, “That’s so stupid.” He pressed you to the counter, hands tight on your waist, knocking over whatever Kairi had so perfectly curated on the countertop. Your head spun with desire, and he pushed his tongue into your mouth, tasting you. He accommodated you so easily, tilting his head to kiss you better, falling back into this rhythm like it was natural to your body. You let go of his shirt, leaving it crinkled, so you could tug at his hair. His hands were everywhere. Around your neck, in your hair, at your waist. He groaned, pulling away for a second to mumble, “I missed you so much. You could have just asked me... And I thought I did stupid things to get your attention.”

“I missed you too.” You breathed, hands resting at the nape of his neck, sifting through his hair as you looked up at him, doe eyes, and since he wanted you to ask him, you would, “Please kiss me again.”

He didn’t hesitate, pressing his lips to yours and grinning into the kiss. Your hands dropped to the waistband of his jeans, and you tugged at them, trying to unbutton it. He must have sensed your urgency, a whine mixed in between your pecks, so he grabbed your thighs, lifting you onto the marble countertop. He didn’t stop kissing you for a second, fingers skimming your skin, sending a rush through your body, and his tongue slipped into your mouth again, and you wish you could swallow each other whole.

You wrapped your legs around him, pulling him closer, so reminiscent of the first time you’d kissed him. It had been on a night like tonight, and the longing had built up so much it was pouring out of you. All of this pining certainly couldn’t be good for the two of you by the roughness of your touches, like you were both afraid to be pulled away from each other. You tugged at his sweater, pushing it up to his chest, so you could touch his skin. Your hands were cold, and he shivered at the touch, but he didn’t stop you, kissing your jaw at the same time you felt him up. Your head tilted to the ceiling as he trailed kisses down your neck, you let your hands explore his body, feeling the muscles in his abdomen and tightening your hold on him. He was so compliant. He was so desperate. You felt him undo your bow, unzipping the dress. A fire burned within you, and his name was a familiar moan on your lips, “Hyun…”

“Yes, baby?” His voice was hoarse, and his mouth and his face was covered in your red lipstick. It was the hottest thing you’d ever seen. A giggle escaped you, and you brushed your thumb against his lips, “You have some of me on you.”

He shook his head, unbothered, leaning in to kiss you again, “I have all of you in me.”

It meant something deeper than red lipstick. It meant so much that you could probably wonder about it for days, but you just grabbed his face in your hands, cupping his soft cheeks. All of him was in you too. He was a part of who you were, and you couldn’t recall a time before Hyunjin in your life. He kissed your cheek, trailing kisses down your neck. It was hard to think straight when his mouth was sucking on you, and the bulge in his pants was pressing against you. You're sure Kairi kept a condom in here somewhere. You would let him fuck you. Right here. Right now. But a familiar worry festered within you, and it was physically impossible to pull back from the kiss as you whispered, “Wait.. you’re sure about doing this?”

He opened his eyes to look at you, and he looked so lovesick, eyes-half lidded, breathing heavy, hair messy and your spit and lipstick coating his lips, “About what?”

You touched his face, tracing your fingers over his cheeks and his pretty mouth, tracing it all to memory again after it had been ripped away from you for all this time. Perhaps you were ruining the passion of the moment, but you couldn’t let yourself go through that heartbreak again, “I don't want you to regret this. You said you didn’t want to start something that could put you…or the band at risk. So are you sure about…what we’re doing?”

It seemed to be Hyunjin’s biggest fear — a relationship, falling in love, somebody finding out about you. His company. His managers. His fans. The press. The rest of the world. 

“I was sure the minute I asked you to stay, Y/N.” He whispered, kissing you again, “You’re…everything to me.”

The confession seemed drastic from the Hyunjin who had pushed you away countless times, from the Hyunjin who kissed you only to tell you he could never want a relationship. Yet you still didn’t know what he actually wanted. Would he wake up and regret this? He kissed the corner of your mouth, like he couldn’t get enough of you, squeezing you in his grip, and said, “I’ve been doomed for you ever since I saw you. Nothing changed. I just…decided to stop fighting it.”

His words implied a sense of… inevitability and fate. You were doomed for him too. No matter what pulled you apart, something pushed you together always. It felt like an endless cycle…a trajectory you two were on that neither of you could control. Your eyes widened, and you'd never been this happy, “You’re…not just saying this because you’re drunk?”

He smiled at your words, cupping your face, “I’m not drunk, Y/N. If you really want to know what changed…the past month, I’ve just been feeling so fucking stupid. Seeing you with somebody else. I think I wanted to die when I saw you kiss Nate…and not being able to talk to you about everything, god, for the past few months, I couldn’t get you out of my head and I would have so much to say and no one to say it to…and then on the other hand, I see Chan the happiest he’s ever been, and I feel…so fucking stupid.”

His eyes seemed so sincere, so genuine and you whispered, “So…what are we doing to do now?”

“I guess... now we have to go back downstairs, because our friends are waiting for us…and you’re still soaked in wine.” His thumb brushed against your lower lip, and he pulled you closer, like he didn't want to let you go.

“Right…” You trailed off, tightening your grip on him, “That’s probably what we should do.”

“Yeah. That’s the right thing to do.” He mumbled, but he was already eating up his own words, swallowing your breath, and pressing you to the mirror. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him closer in a starved, hungry kiss and it didn’t feel humanely possible to be closer than this. He let out a moan, pressing kisses to your lips, “Fuck, I missed you so fucking much.”

You nodded, matching his every frenzied kiss, “Me too. I want you so bad.”

This rush. It seemed to always consume you, and Hyunjin squeezed your tits through your dress, pushing the skirt up and you were both losing control again. He pulled back, restraining himself, “I…we shouldn’t do this here.”

He said that, but he still kept kissing you, and this was a vicious cycle you would always find yourself in. You had wanted him for so long that you didn’t care where you were, but surely…this wasn’t the place. Your first time being that intimate with him shouldn’t be on top of a marble bathroom countertop, with so much opportunity to be interrupted by your friends. You’d just be setting yourself up for failure if you continued. You pulled back from the kiss too, “I think somebody needs to physically separate us for that to work.”

He laughed, and his voice was hoarse from all the kissing, and his lips were swollen. You were capable of waiting a while, instead of jumping each others bones right now. You were both adults, and you could restrain yourself. It was hard to take him seriously with imprints of your lipstick on his mouth. It made him look romantic. It made him look like yours. You wish you covered all of him in it, lip prints over his whole body, leaving no spot un-kissed. You’d missed him so much, it just felt dumb to stop now, but you did. He breathed in, calming himself, “You’re right. We…don’t have to rush.”

“Yeah.” You nodded, “I want to rush though.”

He laughed, fingers caressing your jaw so softly, “I just…I have to ask you something, before we go back downstairs—”

“Yes?”

“I know that I’ve acted stupidly about this in the past, but when I told you all those things, when I said that it’s a risk, that’s still true, Y/N. It’s still dangerous. You don’t know how wild it can get, if…anybody finds out about you. People are just looking for an opportunity to hurt us, me, the other guys, and…if you’re around me, then that includes you too. I can’t let anything happen to you, or hurt you. I would never forgive myself.” Hearing him talk made you afraid again. This was where it had always ended. This would be the last thing Hyunjin would always say to you, after kissing you. It always ended here, like a dead-end to your perfect dream, and you dreaded his next words, heart pounding like you'd pass out. You expected it.

But instead he said, “I want you. So much. I know that now, that nothing can replace the feeling of you.”

Your eyes were wide, and this was already a different direction than it. had ever gone last time, “What are you saying, Hyunjin?”

“I’m saying that…if we…really do this, there’s going to be a lot of…discretion. It’s probably going to be difficult and frustrating as fuck, and we’re both going to have to be really careful. Is that… really okay with you?”

You understood what Hyunjin was asking you. If you and him were to be together, it could only be a thing of secrecy. 

It wouldn’t be a relationship you dreamed of. Nothing about it would be normal, or usual. It would only exist behind closed doors, and in storage closets, and in the privacy of your bedrooms. If you and him were to continue this…it would always have to stay a secret. 

It would be hard to restrain your love for him, but in all honesty… you had done nothing else since you were fifteen and saw him in the art shop. You had loved him since then, and you could love him in any circumstance, even if it was in secret. Going back to not having him in your life was impossible. You leaned in to kiss him, to remind yourself of how real this was, and how much he was worth to you. An excitement bloomed in your chest from what was to come as you whispered against his lips, “I guess it’s a good thing then that I’m good at keeping secrets.”

»»————-

masterlist ⇒

please let me know if you liked the chapter, or any thoughts on this part! thank you :) 

[youremyheaven]

Mrigashira: The Price of Speaking The Truth

I have been studying the themes and patterns of Mrigashira nakshatra for a while and I thought it's time I made a post about the same.

The myth associated with Mrigashira involves Daksha, the son of Brahma. Daksha organized a grand Yajna (a ritual) but intentionally avoided inviting his daughter Sati’s husband, Shiva, whom he despised. Sati went to the ritual without Shiva’s consent, where Daksha insulted her and Shiva. Sati couldn’t bear the humiliation and jumped into the sacrificial fire. Upon learning of Sati’s death, Shiva became furious and destroyed Daksha’s yajna. Yagya, the presiding sage, turned into a deer and ran away, but Shiva caught up and killed him. His head became the Mrigashira nakshatra, which symbolizes sacrifice. (there are multiple myths associated with each nakshatra and another myth about Mrigashira involves Rohini, Brahma's favourite daughter leaving heaven to escape Brahma's incestual interest in her and taking the form of a deer on earth)

From this myth, we know that making a sacrifice for doing the right thing is a theme in the lives of these natives (Yagya was only overseeing the ceremony, he did nothing wrong, he never insulted Shiva, he was just doing his job). Another prominent theme is escaping someone's wrath or escaping to seek safety.

The yoni animal of Mrigashira is a serpent.

Serpents feature prominently in many mythologies and are commonly associated with renewal and transformation.

The ouroboros represented in this picture is a serpent eating its own tail. Carl Jung, saw this as a basic mandala of alchemy and said:

"The alchemists, who in their own way knew more about the nature of the individuation process than we moderns do, expressed this paradox through the symbol of the Ouroboros, the snake that eats its own tail. The Ouroboros has been said to have a meaning of infinity or wholeness. In the age-old image of the Ouroboros lies the thought of devouring oneself and turning oneself into a circulatory process, for it was clear to the more astute alchemists that the prima materia of the art was the man himself. The Ouroboros is a dramatic symbol of the integration and assimilation of the opposite, i.e. of the shadow. This 'feedback' process is at the same time a symbol of immortality since it is said of the Ouroboros that he slays himself and brings himself to life, fertilizes himself, and gives birth to himself. He symbolizes the One, who proceeds from the clash of opposites, and he, therefore, constitutes the secret of the prima materia which unquestionably stems from man's unconscious."

It speaks of human nature and how we must consume the opposites within ourselves to integrate into one whole being. Every nakshatra serves a cosmic purpose. Each nakshatra is a journey forward, its every step in the process of discovery. If you look at the standard descriptions of some naks, some are explicitly negative and others are overwhelmingly positive, while this is a simplistic understanding of nakshatras, it does point to how to retain balance in this universe, we need all kinds of energies, light and dark, good and bad, but every nakshatra contains within themselves these opposites, like the yin & yang symbol which shows a balance between two opposites with a portion of the opposite element in each section.

In Taoism, distinctions between good and bad, along with other dichotomous moral judgments, are perceptual, not real; so, the duality of yin and yang is an indivisible whole.

The serpent then can be seen as a representation of the eternal truth of reality, that all is one.

Truth telling is the purpose of the serpent in mythology and this is universally true across mythologies from different parts of the world.

This also seems to be innately tied to the nature of Mrigashira natives who speak their truth or make sacrifices to expose the truth. A simpler manifestation is how blunt and straightforward these natives can be.

Edward Snowden- Mrigashira Stellium in 1h (Sun, Mars & Rahu)

In 2013, Snowden revealed evidence of a shocking global surveillance programme run by the USA’s National Security Agency (NSA) and the UK’s Government Communications Headquarters (GCHQ) which have been monitoring the internet and phone activity of hundreds of millions of people across the world.

The Internet itself was allowed to spread at a magnanimous pace and reach people all over the globe because it serves the interests of people in positions of power by allowing them to track and monitor us, inundate us into a permanent state of distraction with ads and useless content, that fill the pockets of the already rich. It wasn't some lucky happenstance incident, the internet exists for a very malicious reason and if you read about reports from the 90s when the internet was still at a nascent stage you would know that many people called out this bs. In an occult sense, the internet is an all-pervading manifestation of Maya or illusion. It wraps itself into our reality and there's no escaping it, it becomes harder and harder to see the truth and most people are so completely immersed in this illusion, believing it to be real.

Like the serpent that lured Eve out of paradise, a Mrigashira native, Snowden became the harbinger of an era where we now know that companies including Facebook, Google and Microsoft were forced to hand over customer data under secret orders from the NSA. And that the NSA recorded, stored and analysed ‘metadata’ relating to every single telephone call and text message transmitted in Mexico, Kenya and the Philippines.

Several major companies including Apple, Google and WhatsApp have improved the default security and encryption provided to users. Greater consumer pressure has pushed the industry to strengthen its approach to protecting users’ privacy.

We know how algorithms work, we know that our user data is being tracked, we know why we see targeted ads. We know that most content out there is an ad in disguise. Still, we have no real choice in the matter (except maybe clicking the "reject all cookies" button lol), we're forced to stay in a state where despite knowing that something is deeply wrong with society we still have to participate in it. This is Rohini, who had to stay with her father Brahma in the celestial heavens even though he made incestual advances towards her.

In Mrigashira, the truth dawns on you and you have no choice but to act. The reason Rohini ruled by the Moon is connected to manipulation is because these natives cannot exit their unideal situations safely, they are forced to stay and to survive, they must manipulate their reality. Their freedom is curbed. Even if irl, there are no restraints, these natives feel restrained within, so leaving isn't an option for them, they stay and make things worse to cope or in hopes of changing things.

Mrigashira is Mars ruled and is the first Mars ruled nakshatra. Mars is all about taking action and marching forward. The truth can set you free only if you let it and Mrigashira natives deeply understand this. They are determined to remove themselves from these circumstances and stand in their truth. It may not always be literal but this pattern of setting boundaries, establishing a distance between what is "false" and what is "true" is deeply tied to the nature of Mrigashira.

Snowden sought asylum in Russia where he lives to this day. Being in exile or having to escape your home is also Mrigashira coded simply because the home is a toxic/unsafe/unhealthy place for the Mrigashira native to be. I have talked about it before but Mrigashira is connected to the story of Rapunzel.

Naomi Klein, Mrigashira Moon is an author, social activist, and filmmaker known for her political analyses; support of ecofeminism, organized labour, and leftism; and criticism of corporate globalization, fascism, ecofascism and capitalism.

Her book No Logo which came out in 1999 is a landmark book that exposes the evils of corporate globalization and franchises and how the Global South are being exploited to fatten the pockets of companies in the Global North. It greatly expanded the growing anti-capitalist consciousness and anti-corporate activism in the decades since. Here's a video where she explains her research. Its chilling to think this was made over 2 decades ago considering how all these things still persist in society and now hurt people more than ever.

Honestly, all her books are amazing exposé work and that's on her Mrigashira Moon.

Louis Pasteur- Mrigashira Moon

He was a French chemist, pharmacist and microbiologist renowned for his discoveries of the principles of vaccination, microbial fermentation, and pasteurization (named after him). His research in chemistry led to remarkable breakthroughs in the understanding of the causes and prevention of diseases, which laid down the foundations of hygiene, public health and much of modern medicine. Pasteur's works are credited with saving millions of lives through the development of vaccines for rabies and anthrax. 

He was a very controversial figure in his lifetime who was known for deceiving people.

This article explains it well. Here's an excerpt from the article:

"His most famous experiment was on a young boy, Joseph Meister, who had been bitten by a rabid dog and was doomed to death, and whose mother pleaded with Pasteur to treat him. Pasteur reported that he had previously used his rabies vaccine on 50 dogs without a single failure.

Again, the laboratory notebooks show that this account was misleading. Pasteur had tested a vaccine on dogs, but it was prepared by a completely different method than the one he used for the vaccine given to Meister, and he had no conclusive animal results to show that the vaccine worked. But he had guessed right."

Pasteur often lied to get his way and used "deception" to advance his practice. It is ethically questionable for sure but the work he did has helped millions of people and one could say it was all for the greater good.

He disproved the then prevailing notion of spontaneous generation (it was believed that any exposure to air anywhere causes the generation of living organisms) through his experiments and was initially disbelieved and ridiculed until his experiments began to be accepted as true and was recognised by the scientific community.

Mrigashira natives often have a tendency to gauge things or call people out on things even when that thing/person is widely accepted. The native may get flak for it and be shunned for it but eventually their ideas become widely accepted and everyone sees the truth. They may or may not get credit for this. They see the truth before others do.

Aldous Huxley- Mrigashira Rising

He was an author and philosopher who is best known for his novel Brave New World although he has written over 50 books. Brave New World (the title itself is very Mrigashira core, don't you think?)

The idea that government control is dehumanizing is the overarching theme. In Brave New World the government controls every aspect of the citizens' lives. They are created and born in a government lab. They are raised in a government facility while learning society's values.

It was published in 1932 and lets just say that the audience wasn't ready for such an alarming dystopian tale.

A notable critic of Brave New World was the author H.G. Wells, whose 1923 novel Men Like Gods (a book about a man who visits a utopian world and then returns to earth) had been an inspiration of sorts to Huxley, who told a friend in 1931 that he was writing a novel about the “the horror of the Wellsian Utopia and a revolt against it.” Wells said, “A writer of the standing of Aldous Huxley has no right to betray the future as he did in that book.”

H.G Wells was known for his utopian visions that permeated nearly all of his published work. Interestingly, he was a Shravana Rising. The thing is, Wells never used these utopian visions to criticize the reality of the world we live in, it was more of a "look how good things could be ughhh". This once again reflects Moon's nature which is idealistic but not practical or rooted in confronting situations as they are, if you ask them for a solution to the war, they'll say "if only everyone could get along and we could all stop killing each other" instead of saying "the power imbalance between nations is alarming, they create crises in other nations, put puppet governments in place, exploit them for their own benefits and when it no longer serves their interests, leaves the people to deal with the mess themselves". The former is a more emotional response but it also comes down to Lunar nature believing things are that simple, that if everybody could get along, then everything would be okay. its basically not a solution but a nice thought. I have made posts in the past about Moon dominance and manipulation but what i had failed to mention is that the reason Moon dominants resort to manipulation is because they lack the ability to think in concrete, tangible, practical terms since Moon is tied to the emotional mind which is incapable of rationality or logic. They have to manipulate because they do not know how to think critically. Being guided by your emotions is not reliable or healthy which is why Moon dominance often results in toxicity and manipulation as they are emotionally reacting to what is said instead of responding with their mind or logic.

Wells himself later said about his novel Men Like Gods, "It did not horrify or frighten, was not much of a success, and by that time, I had tired of talking in playful parables to a world engaged in destroying itself."

Do you notice how passive his tone is? He speaks as though he is not part of this world and that all he can do is merely observe its self-destruction (if not writing "playful parables" to it lol??). He thought his book was a flop because it did not "horrify" or "frighten" people (implying that, thats what sells) when the reality is that its more effective to read about the horrors prevailing our society that we are ignorant of instead of reading 300 pages about a perfect alternate reality where everything is wonderful. one calls to action, another encourages passive daydreaming. This further differentiates the nature of Mrigashira vs Moon dominant natives (Mrigashira follows Rohini's fall from heaven or realising the truth).

"There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception"- Aldous Huxley, Mrigashira Rising

George Carlin, Moon (conjunct Ketu) in Mrigashira

Here's an excerpt of something he said that has stuck with me and exemplifies the truth telling nature of Mrigashira.

"But there’s a reason. There’s a reason. There’s a reason for this, there’s a reason education SUCKS, and it’s the same reason that it will never, ever, ever be fixed. It’s never gonna get any better. Don’t look for it. Be happy with what you got. Because the owners of this country don't want that. I'm talking about the real owners now, the real owners, the big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought and paid for the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying, lobbying, to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else, but I'll tell you what they don’t want: They don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help them. Thats against their interests. Thats right.

They don’t want people who are smart enough to sit around a kitchen table to figure out how badly they’re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago. They don’t want that. You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers. People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork, and just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it, and now they’re coming for your Social Security money. They want your retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street, and you know something? They’ll get it. They’ll get it all from you, sooner or later, 'cause they own this fucking place. It's a big club, and you ain’t in it. You and I are not in the big club.

And by the way, it's the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head in their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table is tilted folks. The game is rigged, and nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care. Good honest hard-working people -- white collar, blue collar, it doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on -- good honest hard-working people continue -- these are people of modest means -- continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about them. They don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t give a fuck about you. They don't care about you at all -- at all -- at all. And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care. That's what the owners count on; the fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that's being jammed up their assholes everyday. Because the owners of this country know the truth: it's called the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

Mrigashira natives are the most likely to be critical of society, modern living, capitalism etc among other things. They see through to the truth of things and thus feel dissatisfied and disappointed with the world. There is a reason they say "ignorance is bliss", those whose eyes are veiled, can tune out of all this cacophony of living and pretend everything is fine. Mrigashira natives have to live with the weight of knowing.

Jules Verne- Mrigashira Rising

He is widely regarded as the father of science fiction and his works have inspired a generation of scientists like the pioneering submarine designer Simon Lake, Igor Sikorsky who often quoted Verne and cited his Robur the Conqueror as the inspiration for his invention of the first successful helicopter, the rocketry innovators Konstantin Tsiolkovsky, Robert Goddard, and Hermann Oberth are all known to have taken their inspiration from Verne's From the Earth to the Moon.

Edwin Hubble, the American astronomer, was in his youth fascinated by Verne's novels, especially From the Earth to the Moon and Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. Their influence was so strong that, like Verne, Hubble gave up the career path in law that his father intended for him, setting off instead to pursue his passion for science.

Jules Verne lived in the 19th century (he passed away in 1905, aged 77) but he described technologies that would later be invented (some were directly inspired by what he had written). He had prophetic vision some would say he had described submarines, helicopters, the moon landing, holograms, newscasts, space travel, video conferencing,

“In the Year 2889, instead of being printed, the Earth Chronicle is every morning spoken to subscribers, who, from interesting conversations with reporters, statesmen and scientists, learn the news of the day,”

He even made political observations that have since materialised,

In one of his later works, called The Purchase of the North Pole, an auction is held for rights to the North Pole. The mysterious buyer who wins out over a number of national governments is a private company with a plan to fire off a giant cannon will jolt the planet and change the tilt of Earth’s axis, adjust the length of the days and climates around the earth, and melt the polar ice caps. With the Arctic melted, the execs planned to mine the north pole for coal and make a fortune. This is more or less what is currently happening lol

He invented a new genre to talk about things that did not yet exist. This is tied to Mrigashira's quest for truth and imagining possibilities.

Kanye West, Mrigashira Sun

Do I think Kanye is problematic? Extremely. Do I think he's also telling the truth on some occasions especially when he's trying to expose Hollywood or the system? Yes, I do

This is a bit of a tangent but we have seen time and time again how mental illness has been weaponized against people (ex: Britney Spears) to control them (Mariah Carey also speaks about it in her memoir), I do think a great number of celebrities are victims of this because their management/people in their lives benefit from exploiting them (would it not be vvv scary knowing that your career is what pays the bills of a whole crew of people? they depend on you to live? what if they're greedy or evil? what happens to you then?) so I wholeheartedly believe Kanye when he says "people are trying to conspire against him for telling the truth" (look at how many whistleblowers have been killed and had their deaths written off as suicides).

Sometimes I wonder if he's deliberately ruining his public image so that he just comes across as a crazy guy saying crazy shit that no one takes seriously. This is a safe option for him because if he appeared to be a normal sober serious guy exposing the system he might get killed. Deception is also a huge part of Mrigashira's truth telling.

Who can forget him exposing Taylor on that phone call? lol

Anyway, I want to make it clear that I don't condone or endorse any of Kanye's politics or most of the vile hateful garbage he spews.

Amy Winehouse-Mrigashira Rising

Amy was known for how candid and straightforward she was. If you listen to this song, you can tell how frank and honest the lyrics are?? (its about women who try to score rich men). Amy was always so real and unapologetically herself.

Pamela Anderson, Mrigashira Rising

She's such an icon and such a dignified woman after everything she's been through. She came forward to speak her truth and take control of her narrative. Unfortunately not many women in her position can or will do this. She empowers sooo many others by standing up for herself and speaking her truth.

Mia Khalifa, Ketu in Mrigashira (a lot of people ask me why I include placements other than the big 3 and the reason I use Ketu specifically is because it is a karmic planet and Ketu's position in the birth chart is thought to indicate ties to previous lifetimes. It represents life experiences and knowledge that people may carry from past incarnations. Yes, I am aware that Ketu is a generational planet and people born across the same year have the same Ketu placement but the reason why Ketu placement is significant especially in the charts of accomplished people is because they are channelling the collective unconscious and I believe that in order to receive recognition for the work you do, you have to skilfully channel your Ketu as it represents your latent creativity and potential that connects you to the whole)

whew went off on a tangent 🤪(me with everything i post lmao)

Mia Khalifa has come forward exposing the porn industry and calling out its predatory nature and has candidly spoken about how she was "intimidated" into doing her infamous hijab scene and that her toxic ex husband encouraged her to pursue porn. I hope Mia heals from everything but she's sooo brave for calling out people/society/porn industry on their toxicity, misogyny, double standards when the same men who fap to her porn are the ones calling her a whore (she made a mistake when she was 20 and has been out of the business for 10 years at this point, at what point will we let her move on with her life and shed this image for good?)

Nicole Kidman- Mrigashira Sun

who can forget this iconic interview when Nicole exposed the truth behind her meeting with Jimmy lol, he was so sh00k

She starred in the 2003 movie Dogville where she plays the daughter of a mob boss who runs away because she cannot stand the stuff they do (running away because they can't accept the circumstance they are in is a prominent Mrigashira theme). Its an arthouse film about the nature of evil and it shows how after Nicole's character has run away to Dogville, she has to provide labor for the community in order to be allowed to stay (Mrigashira natives making a "sacrifice") and ultimately towards the end after enduring a lot of abuse, Nicole's character destroys the whole place.

Jim Carrey- Mrigashira Moon

He is hella problematic for sure but he has this existential side to him where he is always dropping truthbombs. Remember this iconic video where he says NYFW is meaningless lmfao

Parveen Babi, Mrigashira Moon

Parveen Babi was a Bollywood superstar in the 70s and 80s. In 1977, she started dating the filmmaker Mahesh Bhatt (he has a reputation for being vile, crass asshole) and he insisted that she go to a psychiatrist following which she was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I cannot comment on whether or not Miss Babi was misdiagnosed but what is apparent is that her relationship with Bhatt took a severe toll on her mental health, there are tons of people who've said he's kind of a psychopath, so I don't doubt that he may have gaslit and abused Babi to a point where she may have lost her sanity. For the rest of her career she struggled with episodes of debilitating paranoia, delusion and violent aggression. She once even blamed Amitabh Bachchan (the biggest star in India) for being her biggest adversary and claimed that he was trying to kill her (I know this sounds delusional but we do not know what kind of relationship they had with each other or what might have led her to believe that she was in potential danger, its cruel to dismiss everything someone says as "oh but she's mentally ill").

Babi quit acting and was a recluse in her later years. She died alone in her apartment when she was 51 and her body was only found 3 days later. Mahesh Bhatt helped organise her funereal when nobody else stepped forward to even claim her body at the hospital. Her life is a tragedy and a cautionary tale.

Mrigashiras are doubtful of absolutely everything. They do not trust people easy AT ALL. They question absolutely everybody's motive and whilst this can create thought provoking and interesting art and make a person inquisitive, honest etc, it can also be exhausting and draining to constantly be on guard and watch your own back.

“Slowly, one by one, I lost trust in everybody and everything around me,” Babi wrote. “Have you ever wondered what it is like to function in life, distrusting everything and everybody? We trust most of the things and people around us without questioning. We trust the food we eat, the water we drink, the air we breathe...It is impossible to function in life without trusting. And that is precisely what happened to me.”- Parveen Babi

Mrigashira natives are prone to paranoia and feeling unsafe (this ties back to their mythology) and I truly feel for them :(((

Oppenheimer- Mrigashira Rising

Oppenheimer’s infamous meeting with Truman took place in October 1945. It did not go well: Oppenheimer failed to convince the president of the need for international control of atomic energy, while Truman confidently stated the Soviets would never get the bomb. Getting nowhere, Oppenheimer really did confess his guilt over the Manhattan Project, which turned Truman’s stomach.

Oppenheimer's morality is dubious and questionable etc etc but it is known and clear that he felt guilty for the role he played and the destruction that was caused as a direct result of his research. He stood up for what was true, although unsuccessfully.

Khloe Kardashian-Mrigashira Moon

Khloe has always been praised for being "real" and honest. She has opened up about a lot of different things and had this to say about having a baby via surrogacy:

“But a surrogate process – Kim knows – is very hard for me. It’s a mindf***. It is really the weirdest thing,” she bravely shares about her nine-month-old cherub, Tatum. “I do feel less connected. People do say it takes a minute to feel connected but Kim said hers was easy. This is not easy. I definitely was in a state of shock from my entire experience in general,” she said. “I felt really guilty that this woman just had my baby and I take the baby and go to another room and you are separated. It felt like such a transactional experience because it is not about him. I wish someone was honest about surrogacy and the difference of it. But it doesn’t mean it is bad or good. It is just very different.”

Compared to the kind of stuff that all the other Kardash-Jenners say this is a rare and sincere moment of truth telling.

John Cena Mrigashira Moon and Rising

He is known for his honest, humble and sincere personality.

In an interview about the Meltzer rating system, Cena honestly said:

“So how do I put this… I am much more concerned when I perform for WWE in how the audience as a whole feels about my performance rather than one individual trying to grade me in a level of stars. Not that it doesn’t matter, because that is a great way for those to try and get equity and try to get noticed. It’s a great ranking system and I do appreciate it. I’m not knocking critics. I’m just saying my process is to make sure that everyone who paid a ticket had a great night. And if that gets me a zero star match, I still know in my heart of hearts that I entertained my audience that night.”

if you type in John Cena honesty into google so many articles pop up lol, i guess thats a great thing to be known for. Zero bullshit that's Mrigashira for you

I hope this post was interesting and informativexx

thanks for reading<3

[slothkittfunsies]

Deep Dive into the issues on Alastor.

CONTENT WARNING: Racism, Aphobia.

Now that I created a blog specifically for stuff like this, It's time for the dive.

Alastor is a character that resonates with me, because this guy is supposed to represent me and my people (aspec/aroace community) and I liked his pilot personality. (That went to shit)

This man got so many issues, that i have to take the pen myself and scribble what Vivzie has wrote. So, Let's start, shall we?

THE DESIGN

The first time I saw the Hazbin pilot, I got confused about what Alastor was supposed to be. I thought he was just a grey human wearing some kind of animal ears until the fandom said he is a deer.

A deer. Let that sink in.

(Images for comparsion)

As someone passionate about the arts, this upset me. Sure, I haven't been to art school, but even I know you need to put the backstory and features in mind when designing a character.

Character design is NOT throwing things at the wall and seeing which sticks. It needs actual critical thinking. If your audience is confused about your character's species, it's time to go back to the drawing table (unless you have a reason for making it mysterious.)

Second, the overabundance of red is awful in terms of color theory. This guy is in Hell, which is also red, causing an eyesore. I got a headache when trying to focus on him on a red background. And also, colors have meaning. People associate red with danger, so the fact he even managed to get victims to kill makes me puzzled.

Also, the fact he's supposed to be mixed/black makes this design even worse. Why is he grey instead of brown, perhaps? Vivzie has a pattern of making POCs grey-skinned, which is, again, awful.

I think Vivzie only made him a POC due to the voodoo issue. I mean, just remove the symbols and you are done. But nah the symbols are too "aesthetic" to remove. So gotta change his race.

She could have used another symbols, like THIS for example:

Since, you know, he's the "Radio Demon"?

THE BACKSTORY

Ok, this where I'm very confused.

Alastor is a radio host, and also a serial killer. He was born in the USA, got killed by a deer hunter by mistake, and lived in the 1920's.

This is what I gathered from being a superfan back then, and it sounds unorganised/cluttered. And the years he lived in make his design even worse. (Again! His clothing doesn't speak the 1920s!)

The fact he's from an old era, and yet speaks in modern slang is weird. He's supposed to hate anything modern, and yet he does it anyway? His saying "fuck" multiple times is so out of character for him. I guess the "If made by Vivziepop" memes have some truth.

Putting the fact he's mixed, makes the backstory more confusing. How did he manage to be a popular radio host at the time before the civil rights movement became a thing? He will have been put down like the rest of the POCs in America. Either that he's white-passing, or it's VERY difficult. Adding the fact he's a serial killer makes me think how the cops didn't get to him (the mere fact he's black should have got him questioned in 1920s America)

Now, for his identity. I'm mad he's the only aroace character in the sea of gays and bisexuals. (I'm not saying gay men and bisexual people should not have representation. I have to say that due to tumblr's piss poor reading comprehersion)

which made me go through on why Vivzie made him aroace in the first place. I don't know if this is true, but I heard she made him aroace because "he only loves himself"

Um. Here we go again with allos assuming we are non-empathic psychopaths for our lack of sexual or/and romantic attraction. I hope that's not true at all, but knowing Vivzie's past, I wouldn't be surprised.

Alastor would have been a great character if another person took care of it instead of Vivziepop. What I'm gonna say is, wasted potential.

[ayashitetsuko]

An open letter to David Jenkins

Some fans believe that we should not vent our anger and frustration to show creators. I don’t believe that. The thing about being a professional is that receiving criticism is part of your job—especially if you have done a terrible job.

OFMD went from groundbreaking to disappointing overnight.

There was a momentum to create a queer media that is smart, fun, sexy, and most importantly, respectful. In the way they are writing these queer characters. Especially older and disabled queer characters, a reflection of a generation of marginalised communities that have gone through so much. To give audience a glimpse of hope in their escapism.

But sir, you choose to Remus Lupin him instead.

This is not just about killing off a character. Hell, I might be willing to accept it. After all, I have read and even written fics with MCD in it—involving my favourite character.

But I want you to know that this is a special case. It is not just another popular character being killed off to drive plots.

I have issue with how you kill off a queer character that represents many marginalised communities in his arc.

Izzy is an abuse survivor who becomes disabled as a result of it. Izzy is a queer elder. Izzy is suicidal but manages to overcome it with the healing power of love and community.

Having him killed off just like that is a huge slap for fans who have gone through what he has gone through. Turns out, even in fiction, in our escapism, there is no joy. Only despair.

Also. Father figure? Where does that come from? Ed has never been shown to have any level of respect for Izzy. So let me ask you again. Where does “father figure” come from?

You have an opportunity to make a difference with OFMD; to be remembered in history for the right reasons. Yet somehow you choose not too. You choose to turn this into cheap, sensationalist entertainment where death and torture are thrown around for shock value.

It is like you have no idea how much power you have by being a professional storyteller.

Let me break it down to you. For you as a writer, perhaps killing off Izzy is nothing but an artistic choice. A plot point to figure out. But for audiences in marginalised groups, stories are mirrors. They see themselves in stories. That is how stories give them hope. This is why OFMD has never been “just a pirate story”. Perhaps this is hard to understand if you have never been part of an underrepresented community in the mainstream media, but this is how many are feeling about your work now. Your legacy.

OFMD has truly become an overnight failure. I don’t know how this happened. I would like to blame budget cuts, but your Vanity Fair interview makes me realise this is all deliberate choice.

So, what is next for us Canyonites?

If anything, this convinced me that queer and disabled people should write. And continue to write.

We can no longer trust major media to speak for us. We definitely can never trust David Jenkins again. Any form of progressiveness that he showed earlier was just coincidence, apparently. Even worse, it was fake.

As my friend Sam beautifully puts it, Izzy belongs to us now. We reclaim that character and give him all the happy endings he deserves in our fic, our art. We transform the works. We write about queer, disabled, suicidal characters the way the deserve to be written. If being a published writer is the path you choose, make sure you make wiser decisions than David Jenkins.

Thank you, sir. It was good while it lasts.

But this is a terrible job that you’re doing.

[fuumiku]

They’re really interesting foils in many ways. I’ve always thought that Marcille & Mithrun have underrated dynamic potential. Give me the cringefail dungeon lords. Give me the elves with ears-centric metaphorical self-image issues. Give me the academic elites whose deepest strongest desires will always remain unreachable and the only option is to turn to the corrupt forbidden fruit of a demon pact. I am so so normal about Mithrun and Marcille

I wonder if the resemblance between captain Mithrun and general Hagreus aka Marcille’s fave in Dalclan is intentional… They definitely look very alike. It could represent idealization vs reality? Something something the romanticization of elves and their societal drama in their fiction vs a very real and imperfect product of their military system. The canaries certainly aren’t glamorous next to whatever Hagreus is the general of. I feel like she never had the opportunity to notice the resemblance herself bc within seconds of meeting him he was wrestling her on the ground but. If she had… She would so think he should have been his actor in the tallman stage play of Daltian Clan in that new extra comic hehe. I love the little details like Hagreus’ lips being drawn with extra details because they’re full and pretty while Mithrun’s lips are drawn with extra details because they’re chapped lmao.

This art is all silly and surface level but in my head mithrille is like so dramatic and I make up daltian clan level big plots with them gbdgd. I made a spotify playlist for mithrun if y’all interested, rn it’s mostly centered around cravings that consume and losing yourself and illusions inspired from his time as dungeon lord but it’s branching out. Varied vibes, levels of intensity and degrees of confusion and await you ✨ I would emotionally rant about Chainsaw Man ost lyrics and how they tie in with Mithrun and the winged lion’s relationship but this post is already a monster

I want more of these two please please please pleaseee just one or two interactions in the new canon content coming up… All they ever did was debate philosophy on desires and human self-fulfillment and try to murder each other, please… I never get to gush about them and I can’t shut up so if you want more thoughts I talk about them more below

To get a girl to peacefully accept arrest follow these simple steps: in private, ominously stand above her and forcefully interrogate her, while in public, tell her you’ve met before (untrue and also not a pickup line, you’re just face blind) and interrogate her with a thin veneer of decorum. If all else fails, threaten and follow through on said threat. My guy needs more than just physical therapy I’m afraid

Sorry if most of these were Marcille-centric with Mithrun standing there looking cool, if I were doing these more from Mithrun’s pov things would be like "She’s a bit much but I guess I don’t mind hanging around her." or "Oh you’re a half-elf? -insert elven supremacist rethoric-" or "I have to keep her from becoming demon stew." immediately followed by "Did someone say demon? Kill kill kill kill kill" since these are set prior to like really knowing another. Then things would be more like "huh she has bad tastes in novels but her magic research is pretty interesting" and "I’m lonely and don’t understand myself— Oh she loves talking about feelings? Oh shi-" That last one is an aspect of why I like Marcille and Mithrun’s potential dynamic lol. She’s very… Emotionally intelligent alongside being impulsive. You think you have no feelings because the world has beaten them out of you? Think again!! Marcille be upon ye! -In a therapy sort of way but mostly in a connecting with people and your own self through interpersonal relationships and talking kinda way. I just think a lively, upbeat, annoying friend way too interested in your personal life would do him good, the canaries are nice but like if Marcille went to prison and was a sort of extra new bunkmate I think that’d be interesting and fun to read is what I’m saying

Unlike Kabru she wants all the useless messy filler of his backstory, eating chips while listening. Like two chibi sets side by side, "me and my fellow canaries, name name and name-" "Hold on we don’t need to know that." Vs "Then we were to sleep on the third floor of the dungeon, which had the look of a mausoleum, and name and name got into a fight over the campfire placement." while Marcille is like uh-huh what next what next while kicking her feet. She thinks of pre-dungeon pompous Mithrun and is like omg you went through a character arc and become better as a person- and then he opens his mouth and she’s like nevermind let’s keep working on that. She would also go "ew ur hair is greasy" and give him a full hair care treatment. What I’m saying is I need them to be forced to spend time in a dungeon together and become besties through a life or death roadtrip

Marcille is insecure about her ears, long, like an elf’s pride should be, but rounder, inelegant. Seeing Mithrun though, the epitome of beauty, with his half-cut ears make it a sillier thought. Not sure if Mithrun is the best person to reconnect with ur elven culture with but it sure is an option Marcille would so appreciate being around someone both cool headed and kind, I genuinely think they’d get along, like not that Senshi isn’t that too most of the time but I think Mithrun would be in a way that’s more refreshing to her. I’d be so curious about them discussing Dalclan, I doubt he’d have read it but she could make him read it, maybe post-canon with the excuse that they’re trying to find him a new hobby hah. He’d tear into the writing and everything but it’d be a fun time, I like to think that it’d make him a bit less prejudiced. Marcille @ Mithrun "👉👈 Soo maybe you don’t know these books they’re pretty recent having come out 50 years ago but…"

I’ve been in a Mithrun phase I want to make and read Mithrun-centric fics and angst so baaad. I razz him a lot here but he’s literally a traumatized military man that became obsessed with revenge due to bad coping and neglects himself in the process idk not much for him going on and some of it is because he has to work on himself, but hey no one’s perfect it all comes from a place of love and relating though I prommy. He’s the one ungodly angsty squeaky toy blorbo with brain damage rep I have don’t take him from me

[pearwaldorf]

I have been trying to write this on and off for a while. I figure the second anniversary of the show is as fine an occasion as any to shove it out into the world. It is not everything I want to say about it, but I think the important bits are there.

It is a human impulse to be seen. To be told, through art, you are not alone. It is universal, but of special importance to people who are not well-represented in media (i.e. everybody who isn’t cis, white, able-bodied, skinny, and conventionally attractive).   

This show speaks to me as a queer person who figured things out later than most of my peers. (Not quite as late as Ed and Stede but not terribly far off either.) It’s not super common to see queer media address this, and I didn’t realize how much I needed that reassurance until I got it. That it’s okay to find these things any time in your life. To be told “A queer is never late, they’re always fashionably on-time.” 

They’re not my first canon queer ship. But they are the first ones where I knew it was true from the get-go. Multiple people assured me this was the case. And yet, I still didn’t believe it until I saw it with my own two eyes. This experience is not unusual for fans around my age.  

After I finished up season one, I laid in bed and cried. It’s not something I thought would affect me so much, but it feels like a weight I’d carried so long I didn’t realize it wasn’t supposed to be part of me is gone.

One of the reasons people unfamiliar with the fandom seem to think it’s absolutely crazy (which some of it is, to be fair, but every fandom has that) is the way fans of the show get extremely super intense about it. It took me a few weeks to realize this is a trauma response. I’m not even sure “trauma” is the right word. It doesn’t interfere with my day to day function, but it lasted for years. Decades. So it was definitely something that fucked me up. And in the way you can only start to see something as you’re moving past it, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get my head around this. (I don’t know if I have anything to say about it yet. Maybe I need more time to sit with it.)

I know this sounds contrary, but I’m really glad David Jenkins does not come from fandom. Sometimes it’s good to know where a line is, and others it’s better to not know there’s a line at all. And this is, sad to say, remarkable to somebody who has had to deal with this for so long. With so many writers and showrunners aware of the line, and getting right up next to it, but never crossing it.

Imagine doing a show with a queer romance and not understanding why this was received with such emotion and fervor, because it’s just two people in love right? What blissful ignorance that this needed to be explained to him! And then he listened to people’s experiences with queerbaiting, and went “Oh my god you thought I was going to do WHAT?” And then you go “Huh. That is really fucked up.” 

The problem with being told something enough, even though you know it’s wrong, is you start to believe it regardless. All the excuses and hedging. It’s so very difficult to do they tell us, when we hear from queer creators how they had fight tooth and nail to make it as gay as it already was. 

And then comes Jenks, just yeeting it out there: majority queer and (not and/or. and) POC cast, an openly non-binary person playing an openly non-binary character. The ability to not have to make one queer (and/or) POC character speak for everybody, so you can inject a tiny bit of nuance into the conversation. The way you can tell more kinds of stories, like the one where the smol angry internalized homophobe comes into his own with the support of a queer community, even though he was a giant fucking asshole to them before.

So many people were like “You can just DO that? It’s really that easy?” And wasn’t that a fucking Situation, to have that curtain pulled aside. What next? Majority POC casts with stories about POC written by POC? Absolute madness. (Please please watch The Brothers Sun on Netflix. It’s so fucking good.) 

And people will scoff and say “Of course a cishet(?) white man would be able to get this pushed through.” But do they usually? The thing I don’t think people understand about allies is they use their privilege to wedge the door open. You still have to do the work to get through, but at least you have a place to start. And it really fucking matters.

The press keeps trying to tell me The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin is the OFMD substitute we need while we float in the gravy basket. I’m sure it’s a perfectly fine show, but I don’t know who has watched OFMD and decided the itch we needed scratched was anachronistic historical comedy.

I want stories written by people that reflect their lived experiences, with actors and crew committed to bringing that to life. And I would like streamers and studios to commit to giving them a chance, and marketing them properly so people know they exist. 

You can keep people satisficed with scraps for only so long. At some point, somebody is going to give them a whole seven course dinner and people will wonder why they’ve been putting up with starving this entire time.

[mask131]

I have a question about Zeus and Kronos. SEVERAL actually. Their relationship gets more confusing the far you dig into it.

How did the ancient Greeks see their relationship? How did they see the whole conflict between the Gods and the Titans?

In modern works, Kronos and the Titans are almost always portrayed as evil, monstrous tyrants, and Zeus and the Olympians as the young heroes that bring them down.

However, in Greek Mythology, Kronos' reign was the Golden Age, an utopic and paradisiac time of peace, happiness and prosperity, and Zeus is the main responsible for bringing pain, disease, and death to humankind through Pandora.

And to make matters more confusing, patricide was a huge sin in ancient Greek culture.

Was Zeus and Kronos' story a heroic tale of order overcoming chaos, or a tragic "Paradise Lost" type of scenario? Is Zeus a hero for deposing his father, or fallen hero that only escaped divine retribution because he himself is a god? Who was in the right in the conflict between Olympians and Titans? How am I supposed to interpret Hesiod's Theogony?

This is a very complex question that opens the door to many, many possibilities. But long story short: in the Olympians vs Titans conflict, the Titans were definitively in the wrong, and yes we are supposed to root for the Olympians.

Remember, the Olympians are supposed to be the "big goods" of Greek mythology - or at least, mostly positive figures. The enemies of the Olympians are by extension our enemies because the Olympians represent order and civilization. The Gigantomachy is the best representation of that, as the Giants were literaly designed to kill and destroy and nothing else. Same thing with Typhon, chaos and terror embodied.

Now what was the problem with the Titans? Long story short, many things. But what we have to understand is that the Titans are being supposed to represent... yes chaos in a way, but also a more brutal, primitive form of the universe. Yes the Titans are gods like the Olympians - but they are not the same kind of gods. Older, rougher. For example take the Olympians - they are kings and queens over the principles they control. Poseidon rules over the sea but is not the sea ; Zeus' decisions control the weather but he is not the weather. When we go by the Titans, however, we have beings such as Helios who was the literal sun or Oceanos who was the literal ocean. The Titans reflect the primal forces of nature, the rough and brutal, less humanized elements, more personifications and embodiments than deities as we understand them today. So what was the object and purpose of the Titanomachy? The "taming" and ordering of the world. Some Titans sided with the Olympians, and thus became more human and more "ordered" and found a place for themselves within an organized world. Themis for example, who as the embodiment of the Law and of Justice, would of course choose the Olympians' side. Also note that, outside of Themis, none of the Titans reflected any concept or principle part of a civilization. The Titans were violence (Iapetos whose name means "piercer", and Kronos who castrated his own father), the Titans were animals (many are the titans with strong animal motifs), the Titans were the sea and the moon and the sun and the light and the earth... They were literaly born out of the sky and earth. But what came with the Olympians? When Zeus got onto the throne, he started creating new gods through his many marriages and alliances: he brought forth Apollo of the art, Athena of wisdom and peace, Artemis of the hunt of the wild, Hermes of all the sciences, and the Horai, and the Muses, and sometimes even the Moirai themselves. Zeus organized the world and brought many of the concepts we cherish so much today.

Not only was the problem with the Titans that they were primordial and brutal forces of nature, but the problem with the specific Titans that went at war against the gods is that they literaly refused to let fate be and time pass. Kronos' flaw and fault is the most common of all mythology: fighting an oracle, trying to destroy a prediction, trying to avoid his fate. He was foretold he would be overthrown by his son. Not destroyed, not mutilated, certainly not killed (because gods cannot die, they are immortal), but just overthrown. And he refused this. He refused to have his throne taken away from him - he refused to let generations change, to let youth come. He had obtained his throne for right reasons (he punished the sins of his father) and yet through bad means (mutilating his own father). As such he got the throne but was fated to let it go, and know a "lesser" version of what he had inflicted upon his father. But he refused this.

Not only that, but he actually ended up repeating the mistakes and crimes of his father Ouranos. By not just bringing a stasis, but by literaly causing a regression. Imprisoning back the Cyclops and Hekatoncheires he had set free ; and then swallowing back into his belly the children he brought forth, literaly reversing the natural cycle of time. So Zeus' war against Cronos was justified to allow the world to continue its own maturation, and evolve further. And from a world of brutality, barbary and regression, we reached an age of order and civilization.

Now let's take the second side of the problem - the whole "Ages of Mankind".

It should be recalled that the Ages of Mankind story comes from Hesiod's "Of Works and Days", not from his "Theogony". And "Of Works and Days" is not supposed to just be a cosmogony like the Theogony, but rather a didactic work. It isn't about mythology per se, as the true topic of the work is agriculture, and all sorts of advices on how to take care of your field, woven with philosophical and moralist lessons about the importance of hard work. The mythological story woven in the work is meant to be an illustration of why humanity has to work, and is tied to all sorts of socio-philosophico messages, making it closer to a fable in many ways. It should also be taken into account that the "Ages of Man" story is tied in "Of Works and Days" to the legend of Prometheus, Epimetheus and Pandora. A legend also told in "Theogony"... but with slightly different details. For example, in the Theogony the story is very misogynistic as the curse of Zeus is... literaly women. As in, women are evil, and that's it. The version of "Of Works and Days", slightly less misogynistic, is the one with the famous Pandora jar later turn Pandora 's box, and there the evil is contained within the jar and is all a convoluted plan to force the "clan" of Prometheus to end up cursing the humanity they favored. Hesiod was never afraid of contradicting himself - even within the Theogony you have opposite stories, such as how in one part the Moirai are aughters of Zeus and Themis, in another daughters of Nyx that predated Zeus.

Anyway, all of that being said, I want to point out something important: in the Ages of Man storyline by Hesiod, Zeus is not supposed to be the one that caused the misery of mankind. At least not directly. It is true that the Golden Age and the first humanity is said to have existed/been formed under the rule of Cronos, while the Silver Age, which was a downgrade, occured when Zeus arrived on the throne. But the text does not say that Zeus was the one who caused the downgrade of humanity. There is definitively a change, an evolution, but it doesn't mean it is Zeus that "corrupted" humanity. In fact, the text does say that Zeus kept around the first humanity as powerful spirits to help, guide and enrich the following humanity. And Zeus' "rule" is not all bad, as there is a mention of one of the humanities brought forth under him being the Heroic Age, which is considered one of the best humanities after the Golden Age. The legend isn't actually about Zeus "ruining" humanity in any way, as the message Hesiod tries to give here is rather that humanity is living through a sort of natural decline... Yes, Hesiod was quite pessimistic, and honestly you can hear a bit of the old as time rant "Young people are doing everything bad, the world is getting worst and worst, wasn't it better before?". You can literaly hear Hesiod doing his youth-hating-grandpa-rant through his tale.

Afterward, we have to consider the whole Prometheus-Pandora-Zeus triangle... And this is where things get tricky and dual. Now I can't possibly embrace the full scope of the implications of the Prometheus legend. There is a reason he is such an inspiring and powerful figure even today - and Prometheus is one of the most complicated entities of all of Greek mythology. But here is the thing I wanted to say... Yes Hesiod does say and explain that Zeus created all sorts of evil he inflicted upon humanity because he was unhappy with being deceived by Prometheus. In "Of Works and Days" it is an especially strong point because the entire text is about explaining why humanity has to work so hard, and why labor is needed by humanity, and why if we have benevolent deities we must still be burdened by chores and toil. And in general this is an answer to the very same problem that the Genesis of the Bible poses: Why would a benevolent god inflict us a life of suffering? Why do we have to work to eat and why isn't the superior power providing us, if they love us so much?

In the Biblical text, this is explained by the original sin, and by all this being a punishment for humanity's original flaw. But in the Greek texts we have something very different - as it is inflicted... to punish Prometheus? That's what Hesiod's text tells us and/or implies, by making the equation "Zeus got tricked by Prometheus, he got mad, and as a result he unleashed evils on humanity". This is what led to so many readings of Zeus as some sort of petty tyrant who wounded humanity to just get back at Prometheus. And this is partially true in Hesiod's myth... But not the whole truth. Because Hesiod insists on a very important fact: he stands as both a human speaking to other humans, and thus he cries over the misfortune of humanity and our suffering, and he explains it comes from Zeus and thus it is why it is unescapable... But he also stands as a devout Greek, as a herald of the gods' words, as someone inspired by the Muse - meaning he also has to point out that Zeus was in the right. This is why, when you compile the dual legends in "The Theogony" and "Of Works and Days", you get a very ambiguous Prometheus, more of a anti-villain by Ancient Greeks standards.

For example, the idea that Zeus got mad upon discovering he had been cheated by Prometheus is a misconception when it comes to the Hesiodic text. When you read Hesiod's text in the Theogony, what does it say? It says that Zeus was not fooled by Prometheus' trick, during the partition of the cow (when it was time to decide which part of food ent to the gods, which part went to humanity). No, Zeus, as king of the gods and superior god, is all-knowing and all-seeing, and the text does say he did knew of Prometheus' trick as soon as he laid eyes on the divided cow. He did play along with Prometheus' trick, but he got massively angry - not at being cheated, no... he got angry at the idea that Prometheus had rigged the game, and had tried to deceive him. See this as some sort of betrayal - he entrusted Prometheus with doing a fair share, and he discovers the Titan had rigged the game. Similarly, when Prometheus stole the fire, Zeus got angry because it was a theft - a theft opposing his law and decisions, an act of rebellion against his position as a king - and yes he would dislike humanity, because now they literaly had a stolen good that they were not supposed to have. Remember that Zeus is a god of justice whose deal was punishing criminals and enacting the law - so of course, a cheater, a scammer and thief like Prometheus would displease him, especially when he is not just a rebel that opposes Zeus' very rule... but also who threatens the cosmic order.

I said it before - in Ancient Greece everything was about balance ad harmony. Humanity had to be "balanced". And the actions of Prometheus literaly placed humanity out of balance. When the partiton of food came, Prometheus rigged the game so that humanity would have the best part. As a result, Zeus had to inflict an "handicap", a "flaw" to humanity so that they wouldn't be too overpowered. This was the removal of the fire. But then Prometheus stole the fire back, making humanity over-powered again. And so Zeus decided to bring the ultimate "handicap", the ultimate "flaw", the ultimate "evil" that would never go away... Because that's another thing with this legend. Zeus never takes away what had been given by the gods. When the partition of food was done, Zeus did not fight it. Zeus removed the fire yes, but when Prometheus gave it back, he did not remove it again. Once something is gifted, it cannot just be snatched back - again, Zeus respects the laws, the promises, the customs. A choice is a choice, a gift is a gift. Which is why, to weaken humanity, Zeus had to GIVE something instead of remove it. And this gift was A) in Theogony, Pandora. Because the Theogony's misogynistic take on the Pandora myth is that SHE was evil because women are by nature evil and ruin humanity. B) in Of Works and Days, the gift of the jar containing all the evils and misfortunes. Which, as I said, was a clever plan to have Prometheus' own family balance his over-powering of humanity by having THEM bring upon humanity something bad. As a way to even things out. When Hesiod evokes the person that brought misfortune upon humanity, when he describes the source of all the evils mankind has to suffer through, he doesn't speak of Zeus... He speaks of Epimetheus. Or of Pandora. But not Zeus. Zeus isn't the "culprit" in Hesiod's texts - rather it is either Pandora (for, misogynistic time, women are inherently curious and curiosity - and women in general - is evil), or Epimetheus (for being a dummy who gets seduced by pretty appearances, doesn't think of anything before acting, accepts any shining gift and is too naive for his own good, trusting both his enemies and the people he doesn't know). Oh yes, the human in Hesiod will cry and lament that Zeus is persecuting humanity... But he will make it clear it was the fault of Prometheus and Epimetheus (Pandora doesn't get much of the "culprit" treatment" because she is either seen as A, the evil Epimetheus brought into the world, B, just a tool and extension of Zeus' own will, and so not an actual "culprit").

The final piece of the puzzle that allows us to understand a bit more the tale of Hesiod is that we have to recall what was the worst crime ever in Ancient Greece. Hubris: for humanity to believe itself equal or above the gods. This was the manifestation of the Greeks' immense fear of unbalance and disharmony, when the low humans tried and believed themselves to be above their natural condition, about to rival with the immortals who were perfect in body and mind (well... absolutely perfect in the religion, much more flawed in the myths and literary works). And all the actions of Prometheus worked on bringing forward humanity close to hubris. By giving them a food better than the gods', by leaving them the full mastery of fire - especially since at the time it was the early humanity, the "golden age", those long-lived, happy, careless, ageless humans that were basically Tolkien's elves - Prometheus was literaly building rivals for the gods. Remember that what Prometheus did was seen as an act of rebellion and disobediance towards Zeus' order, ruling and position... Betrayal of his king, so to speak. Zeus had to inflict on humanity something so that they wouldn't get too overpowered or too similar to gods - he had to inflict on them something that would remind them that they were mortals, not gods, and that the world did not belong to them.

And THIS is where the "Silver Age" problems come from. As I said before, when Hesiod uses Cronos and Zeus to evoke the Golden and Silver Age, he uses them more as chronological markings than anything. By making the Golden Age Cronus' era, Hesiod places this humanity in the far, far, far away distant past, in a time beyond what is mythical - in a time before the actual organized time of the gods people knew, before what humans understood of humanity. And Hesiod insists in his texts that the ills and the worries brought by either Pandora's presence among humanity (Thegony) or by the jar of Pandora (Of Works and Days) are what caused humanity's downfall as they started aging, and falling sick, and losing their happiness, and living shorter... So long story short, it isn't because Zeus became king of the gods that the Golden Age became the Silver Age. It is rather because of the chain of events started by Prometheus - it is because of all the punishments Zeus had to took against the rebellious and cheating Prometheus that the original humanity became another. So... while yes, Zeus did send the evil, the texts of Hesiod also make it clear it is kind of Prometheus' fault. Hence the anti-villain status: yes he tried to favorite and help humanity, and thus is our hero... But he also tried to destroy the order of the world and is the reason we were cursed in the first place, so he is still a villain. Mind you, in the times after Hesiod the Greeks would come to gain a much more positive view of Prometheus - but I am focusing here only on Hesiod since it is what the question is about.

The best metaphor I would have would be : all those incidents we have today when we favorize and protect one species in an ecosystem because it is "cute"... and by doing so, we ruin the entire ecosystem. This is literaly what Prometheus did, as the trickster-rebel, and what Zeus had to fight as the god of order and balance. (And again, we have an Hesiod that is literaly doing grandpa rants about how the "good ol' times" were better and the "youth today is crap", so of course he would offer us a myth where the established order and ruling monarchy is praised, while the rebellious opposition is demonized... with the nuance that the rebellious opposition protected us humans, and thus we have this very ambiguous territory.) It is no wonder that in modern fiction dealing with Prometheus, a question arises that was first brought forward by commentators of Greek myths: did Prometheus act out of excessive love for humanity, or more to get at Zeus? Both options are possible: in "The God Beneath the Sea" for example Prometheus is this tragic figure of someone who loved too much humanity and tried to protect it at all costs... But in the French novel "Prometheus the revolted" by Janine Teisson, he is more presented as a cunning, exploitative schemer that uses humanity as a tool to discreetly try to get back at Zeus, because while he sided with him, he could never fully accept his new king due to his older Titan alliegeance. Which interpret is correct? We can't tell, because the older record is just very ambiguous...

As a final, final note, we have to bring in more "outside-the-text" context to the whole situation. Because these stories were told within a society that had an established hierarchy, an established religion and established morals differing from our own, hence why we can lack some key information to get the nuance. For example, in "Of Works and Days", Hesiod cries and laments about one of the punishments of Zeus against humanity - hiding the grain of plants below the earth, and forcing humans to work to grow their crops and their food. A punishment which is nuanced when you remember something from Greek religion that the text does not speak about: Zeus was one of the favorite gods of farmers and crop-growers, and seen as their ally, because he was a god of fertility and agriculture. Zeus was the god of weather - but of good, fertile, helpful weather. Zeus sent the fertile rain that made the plants grow and the earth alive ; and he also sent all the sunlight needed for fruits to mature and plants to be healthy. This was in fact part of his dicotomy with Hades - Hades kept the grain under the earth to protect it, and then Zeus helped it grow into a plant above the soil. (And yes, this is tied to the Persephone legend in some ways). When you know that, you realize that Zeus might have cursed humans with having to work hard and search hard for their food... But he also clearly helps them to do so by sending the weather needed for the crop to grow well.

Just like how he is said to destroy the various humanities of the Ages of Man one by one to punish them or due to other incidents... But he then grants them some pretty sweet things. Like how the Golden Age humans became Greek-equivalent of guardian angels, benevolent semi-divine entities, or how the men of the Silver Age were said to be among the "Blessed" in the afterlife, and supposedly to dwell in some sort of paradise...

Of course the issue is infinitely more complex, and there's entire books written about this, so this is just a fragment of synthesis. But to return to the original question... Cronos, and the other Titans, were not at fault for oppressing humanity or being tyrants, no. From what Hesiod gives us to read, the Titans in fact had nothing to do or didn't care about humanity in the first place - since before Zeus' time we have no record of any god mingling with humans. We'd have to wait for the Olympians for humanity to become "interestng" or even "desirable" in the yes of the gods. No, Kronos' true crime was a cosmic one. The Titans had to be overthrown because they refused the natural flow of time and the natural evolution of the world, because they repeated the same oppression they had delivered the world from (Ouranos'), because they had enforced a stagnation and even a regression, perfectly symbolized by the image of the father swallowing the babies as soon as they are out of their mother's belly. The gods do grow - but they grow trapped within their father's stomach in a perverse, reverse pregnancy, and in a mirror of how Ouranos' lust also prevented life from spreading forth into the world. And we'd have to wait for Zeus to force a new "birth", through making his father vomit, for the gods to finally be able to accomplish their purpose in life - change the world and make the universe go forward...

As a final note, and I think this is something Jean-Pierre Vernant said (but a lot of what I said above comes from Jean-Pierre Vernant): Zeus overthrowing Cronos is a symbol of the rule of brute strength and violent tyranny being stopped. How did Cronos reached the throne? By castrating his father. How did he maintain his rule? By imprisoning his siblings and devouring his own children. What happened when he was challenged? A cosmic war. And Cronos ruled alone as sole king over the universe. But when Zeus came into the world... He was first of the gods, yes, but he still shared the world with his brothers, so that there were three "kings of the world". His first instinct was to ave sex once he was king, yes, but he didn't just "have sex". He symbolically or officially married the most important goddesses (Themis, the Law/Justice, Mnemosyne, Memory, Metis, Prudence/Wisdom) to bring forth the embodiments of order and peace: the Horai, the Charites, the Muses, the Moirai, Athena... And, unlike Cronos who had imprisoned his siblings as soon as he was king, Zeus accepted and rewarded his allies among the Titans, making entities such as Themis, Helios or Hecate first-rank deities in the new pantheon. AND, while he did overthrow his father, it was in the result of a long war, without any brutal mutilation, and what he merely did was imprison him - and perhaps even latter forgave him and released him according to some stories. So we are definitively into a much better rule than the predecessor.

[yukidragon]

SDJ - New Clues, Theories, and Headcanons

So many new pieces of art and lore teasers have been dropped on the Sunny Day Jack twitter, that I simply must make a post to gush about them, as well as the new thoughts and headcanons they’ve sparked for me.

Strap in, folks, this is going to be a very, very long one. I’ll be throwing in a lot of pictures for evidence, including pieces that were on Jambeebot/Sauce’s public twitter before it went down. On that note, please remember to support them and their game by following their twitter or contributing to their patreon or kickstarter. This beautiful game, art, and ideas wouldn’t be possible without all their hard work.

Also, I know I said it in the headcanon post I made earlier today, but it bears repeating - please don’t repost private images from the patreon. Reposting the images elsewhere, even cropped, is harmful to SnaccPop Studios and everyone working there. It’s fine to gush over what was posted there and direct others to join as well, but the money pledged to the patreon is going to a good cause to make this engaging game.

With that said, let’s start with the picture that is just oozing with lore.

There’s so much here, so let’s break it down piece by piece.

Jack is obviously a ghost(?) in his reflection. The blood, glowing eyes, and unhealthy shade of his skin makes that pretty clear that he’s no longer human.

His colors are faded and more in shadow than the rest of the lighting of the room.

He’s midway between being Jack and Joseph, as evidenced by his visible mole, the cigarette, the smudged makeup, his earring, and the tank top he’s wearing.

This contrasts strongly with the autographed photo of himself done up in costume and makeup properly, smiling and happy.

LambsWork Productions appears to be the studio responsible for the SunnyTime Crew Show. It was theorized that might be the case in the mock 80′s horror movie poster that was posted on the official twitter, but this card seems to confirm the theory.

Jack’s eyes, when not glowing, are definitely brown, as suggested by his official merch plushie.

Everything in this room is dingy and dirty. The wallpaper appears dirty, there are spots on the doll, the eye paint is chipped, the flowers are dark as though withering, and there’s a nasty stain on the lunchbox.

The fact that the flowers are blue is interesting. They appear to be roses, and are a shade of blue that is decidedly unnatural (kind of like Jack’s blue wig), which would make a bouquet of them more expensive than regular flowers. Usually white flowers are used for funerals and memorials to represent honor, peace, and innocence.

The symbolism of blue flowers is, as stated by wikipedia, “desire, love, and the metaphysical striving for the infinite and unreachable. It symbolizes hope and the beauty of things.” That first part definitely gives Jack vibes to me.

Symbolism aside, the reason blue flowers were chosen might simply be because of the blue of Jack’s hair. This is a memorial directed more at Jack the character, rather than Joseph the actor. Intentional or not, the memory of Jack is on full display, while there’s nothing of Joseph except what bleeds through in the mirror.

Most likely this is Jack’s dressing room at the studio, as that would be an appropriate place to put a memorial like this for a fallen co-worker.

Since the flowers are still holding their shape despite withering some, it means this takes place not too long after his death... or those flowers are plastic and just got especially dirty.

If this does take place a short while after Jack’s death, this suggests he might have wandered around as a ghost(?) before being trapped in the tape.

Or this could be a dream of Jack’s in the present about the truth of his situation that he’s trying so desperately to bury...

I find the name of the studio that worked Jack to death and buried his memory to be quite ironic. LambsWork Studio. One could say that a lamb’s “work” is to be sheered... or slaughtered.

Jack certainly seems to have suffered both fates, hasn’t he? He was “sheered” by being overworked to play the part, then “slaughtered” when he was murdered while on set.

Then there’s the fact that Hollywood has been rumored to have cults and rituals taking place. What if Jack being trapped in the VHS wasn’t actually an accident? What if his murder was for the sake of a ritual that required a lamb beloved by many to be slaughtered?

The question would be then what the ritual would be for, and why they would need someone so popular and so loved by children? Would their love for the character be part of the ritual? Is the reason why Joseph, a drifter, was chosen for the role was because it would be the easiest way to cover their tracks when there would be no family to look for him?

This picture also gives me an idea for a new scene in Sunshine in Hell, but I won’t spoil it here. Suffice to say, Jack is not going to like what he sees in the mirror...

Interestingly enough, this version of Jack appears again elsewhere.

His hair is brown fading into blue, his eyes are the same distorted sizes while glowing, he’s bloody with smudged makeup, wearing a tank top, and has his tattoos visible. We can also see he’s wearing one of Jack’s gloves and Jack’s pants. It’s very much a transitional state between Jack and Joseph. It’s very telling and so unsettling, especially since his body is decaying.

All four of the male leads have their own animated pictures. They appear in bouncy animation in front of a fun “party” type background, then for a split second we see them in a more horrifying light.

In Jack’s case, there are two horrifying versions of him. Here’s the other one:

Jack is in full costume this time, not only bleeding but also splattered in blood to imply he committed violence of some sort, and his skin is clearly rotting like his other scary image. However, what I find most interesting is the blank white eyes of his that are overflowing with tears. We haven’t seen Jack’s eyes look like that yet.

The fact that there are two versions of Jack feels telling to me. It might represent Jack’s persona as the character he’s trying to be, as well as the actor he was when playing the role, affected by Jack’s presence even in his real life. The empty eyes do hint at this version of Jack being empty. In a way, he has been divided into two, and one half of him is buried underneath his trauma and desperation.

Also, I’d like to talk about the text that goes along with these gifs.

Everybody likes Jack!

The question is, what happens when he doesn't necessarily like everybody back?

This quote is pretty straightforward in what it’s insinuating - Jack is a yandere. He doesn’t like anyone who might keep him from his sunshine. The game is literally called Something is Wrong with Sunny Day Jack. We’ve seen plenty of teasers of Jack being scary and covered in blood, implying that he caused violence to happen.

Jack doesn’t directly cause violence in the teasers. He has issues with breaking character in any sense, that’s why he doesn’t swear and why he panics when he’s reminded of his personal past as Joseph. Instead, he convinces others to hurt themselves, as we’ve seen with Nick regardless of our choices at the end of the demo.

You know, that always confused me. Nick, apparently, is a random customer who asked Sunshine if they had a boyfriend. No matter what option you choose, he gets rejected and goes away without any attempts to push it further. Furthermore, Sunshine doesn’t react positively to Nick asking that question, so there was no hint that they would want to date him.

On that topic, can I just say how uncomfortable what Nick did was? People in the food service industry have a hard time when customers flirt with them while they’re working. The servers literally are being paid to act friendly and smile at the customers, and if they displease the customer, they could lose their jobs. There are plenty of customers who take that to mean that the server is flirting with them or otherwise interested and ask them out or leave their phone number. No matter how uncomfortable or even scared for their safety the server is, they have to keep being pleasant, even if the customer feels entitled to more than just friendly service from their server.

While there are plenty of people who take one look at Nick and are immediately interested in him, Sunshine rejects him in every route, and has this reaction:

Hm. I don’t know whether to be flattered this is happening. Or terrified this is happening.

I’m going to go with terrified for now.

“Well. I mean. I uh…”

Shit. Shit. What do I say?

What am I supposed to DO?

Sunshine is not comfortable with being hit on at their job where they can’t escape the situation. It’s not a fair situation to put anyone in, and a lot of servers lie that they’re in a relationship just to escape a potentially dangerous situation. Fortunately Nick seemed to take the rejection well and went away, right?

While in the “no” route, I can see why Jack would feel bitter towards Nick, as Nick was the catalyst that set off a very traumatic moment. It’s clear revenge and a defensive measure to prevent Nick from being a threat in the future.

The results are vastly different in the “yes” route though. Nick is practically a wingman, allowing Jack to nudge Sunshine into finally making the choice to deepen their relationship. If anything, Jack kind of owes Nick in this route.

And yet Jack still drives Nick to madness anyway.

What further confused me was the timing of it. In both routes, Jack and Sunshine have sex. The next morning, Jack is clingy and doesn’t want to let go of Sunshine. Being so intimate together for as long as possible would be very reassuring to him, especially after such a traumatic incident as the brief rejection in the “No” route and how reluctant Sunshine was to accept him.

So, why then did Jack (presumably) leave after Sunshine fell asleep to drive Nick insane?

Admittedly, the news report about Nick doesn’t exactly state when the incident happens. Maybe this is jumping ahead several weeks or a month ahead of time after the demo ends with Jack asking who Shaun is. However, its presence in the epilogue makes it seem like the news report was broadcast on the day Shaun visited, which would imply that Nick was driven to madness the night before. This implication is strengthened by the earlier incident where Sunshine passed out and woke up Jack’s jacket, and how that suggested to many players (including myself) that Jack did something suspicious that night while Sunshine was unconscious.

I think most of us just assumed Jack’s choice to go after Nick was just yanderes being yanderes - pre-emptive violence and rash decisions in order to keep the one they love. However, Jack is anything but rash. He’s very methodical and clever. Having an impulse to go after a random guy who asked out his sunshine but got rejected and slunk away without a fight seems out of character for him, especially since in the teaser art, Jack would resort to violence when a threat “just won’t go away.”

Granted, these images are not strictly canon, just some great teasers for SDJ in general, but they both have the same sentiment - when someone keeps getting in Jack’s way and is a burden on his sunshine, he’s pushed to drastic measures.

But Nick didn’t do that, right? Sure, he walked into the shop for yogurt the day before he asked if Sunshine had a boyfriend, but he accepted rejection easily and left. How is that a burden or a threat that keeps getting in Jack’s way and just won’t go away?

Unless there was more to it than what we saw.

Our perspective is limited by what Sunshine perceives. We’re inside their head, privy to their thoughts and feelings. When they go unconscious, the story cuts short, as was shown when Sunshine “dozed off” on the couch with Jack. We don’t see anything they don’t witness, and they didn’t witness what Jack did to Nick.

So what if there were things Nick did that Sunshine didn’t see either?

Allow me to turn our attention to a few interesting details that can be gleaned from Nick’s profile and his Spotify playlist.

Nick may keep a cool head, but he's got a lot more going on beneath the surface than most people realize.

A social media influencer by day, and a professional male dom by night,  Nick's seen his fair share of unsavory things, but at the end of it  all, he has his close family bonds and twin Pomeranians (Pico and  Cheese) to keep him sane.

Will that always be enough, though?

I was pretty shocked that Nick, the guy who was shy and took two days to gather up the nerve to ask if the cute person serving yogurt had a boyfriend, was a social media influencer, and a professional male dom. Both those things demand a strong amount of presence and confidence to handle, as the former requires being at the center of attention for many and handling a lot of social media, while the latter is taking charge of other people sexually for money. Kind of strange that someone who can pull off both these things would be so shy, right?

Although, social media influencers and professional male doms can be said to be playing a role, putting on an act for their paycheck. This begs the question then - was the shy customer we saw in the demo Nick’s real face?

Some of the song choices on his playlist further raised my eyebrows. I won’t go too deep into depth here since this post is getting long enough, but more than one song is about obsessive love, drugs, being the bad guy, and loss of sanity.

Sure, Jack drove Nick crazy, and maybe that’s where the drugs come in. After all, Nick’s scary glitch image showed him in clothes one might expect to see a patient wear at a mental hospital...

There’s also the quote given along with the gif.

So close, yet so far away~

What if this quote isn’t referring to Nick’s kickstarter goal being so close to offer a route to save him, or how “close” Nick came to becoming Sunshine’s boyfriend?

What if Nick has been close to Sunshine for a while, and they never even noticed? What if they’ve been coming to the store a long time, but Sunshine never paid attention - after all, he was just another customer. It was Nick’s strange behaviors like asking if the obvious employee worked there that made him stand out.

What if Nick didn’t simply go away when rejected? What if he’s been stalking Sunshine without being noticed? What if on the day he was rejected... he secretly followed Sunshine home to their apartment while they were too exhausted to notice?

What if someone, say, was so obsessed with their crush on Sunshine it bordered on criminal? So many yandere characters break into the homes of those they are obsessed with. What if Nick didn’t actually take his rejection well, and he decided to pay Sunshine a little unexpected late night visit?

What if Nick is a yandere targeting Sunshine?

Well, an immediate threat is certainly a good reason for Jack to leave the reassuring warmth of his sunshine’s embrace, wouldn’t it? He can’t exactly savor the afterglow and how their relationship finally evolved into something deeper when a threat is breaking in to take his sunshine away...

This would make Jack’s actions make perfect sense to me. It also adds a new unsettling context to what Jack said to sunshine after Ian’s phone call.

Remember what I told you…

About…Other people?

Jack was worried about “other people” even before Ian’s phone call and warned Sunshine as such. What if that was his discreet way of warning them to be cautious because Sunshine had a stalker, and he didn’t want to scare them? Jack wants to take care of Sunshine, so he’s going to hide scary and ugly things from them so that their light will always shine... so he has reason not to tell them something that could trouble them. He’ll take care of them. He can provide them safety.

These ideas, as well as the other glitch cut-ins from the other guys, led me to a new theory/headcanon - all of the male leads are yandere for MC.

I mean, let’s just take a look at Ian here.

It isn’t easy to tell due to the animation and distortion, but I can confirm that there is a heart in his pupil. On patreon, there’s a picture of him with this exact same love-struck expression, including with a heart in his eye.

A star is born!

With a face like that, Ian could do a lot of damage in the acting scene!

Naturally, this remark seems to be pointedly referring to his glitched image where he’s covered in blood.

Ian is dressed up as Sunny Day Jack, not just any Jack, but a redesigned Sunny Day Jack... like in a reboot perhaps? His outfit is different in so many ways, including the belt, elbow pads, sun logo, fingerless gloves, general jacket, and even the shape of the makeup on his cheeks.

Is Ian possessed by Jack, who then committed acts of violence in his body? It’s possible. It certainly was a theory in the fandom for a while.

It was also a theory that Ian is a yandere, and as such he might be the one actually responsible for all the bloodshed here.

After all, Jack and Ian do share a common dislike in their profiles - they both dislike being left alone. I find that a pretty interesting coincidence. Not to mention all the other parallels they share, such as taking the starring role of Sunny Day Jack.

Let’s also look at the phone calls from Ian. He constantly calls Sunshine to apologize for cheating on them. His profile confirms that his cheating is why they broke up.

He had you, until he lost you. Formerly your childhood friend, high school sweetheart, and your boyfriend, Ian has fallen from your good graces after admitting to cheating on you while attending performing arts school.

Nothing will stop him from proving his undying love for you, though. And this new job of his as the main character of an upcoming big budget TV show should do nicely as a fresh start for both your lives.

Ian said in the demo that he had something that would “fix” everything. He thinks this new job, presumably starring as a rebooted version of Sunny Day Jack, will somehow undo the damage he did when cheating on his partner. That is a very strange assumption. Why would a new job, even one that offers fame, undo the fact that he cheated while he was away?

Does Ian believe that game and money can soothe away the pain he caused and prove he is worthy of forgiveness? Does he believe that’s enough to make them happy?

Sunshine has been shown to be very poor. It’s one of the big plot points in the story that they’re struggling for money. They work long, grueling hours in a job that mortifies them, their co-worker Carol shoves work onto them to take care of, their boss calls them in on their day off... They can’t even afford to replace their wardrobe.

I’d been looking for clothes at the local thrift shop. 

You know…As one does when their wardrobe consists of 75% stolen and borrowed shirts from their ex.

…And they’re too much of a tightwad to shop for new clothes in an actual new-clothes store.

Not only does Sunshine rely on Ian’s wardrobe to be clothed, they also rely on the apartment they got together. I find it interesting that Sunshine is still living there. Normally, after a break up, wouldn’t you want to move out from a place that causes you so much pain? Sunshine doesn’t seem to like thinking about Ian’s bedroom at all, so that’s even more reason to move. The breakup with Ian is why they’re “recklessly” rejecting all things nostalgic. Plus, if they’re struggling for money so much, why are they still paying for a two bedroom apartment? Can they really afford to pay for it all on their own?

That got me wondering... what if they’re not? What if, like the borrowed shirts, Sunshine is still relying on Ian financially despite being broken up? He could still be paying half or more of the rent. Ian could frame it as an apology for how much he hurt Sunshine. After all, Ian would do anything to make up for what he did, right? Begging, bringing up old memories, constantly calling them, claiming he has a right to know if they’re dating anyone... emotional manipulation...

Ian sounded so shocked when Sunshine said they were trying to move on, even though they were broken up. And why wouldn’t he? They’re still living in their shared apartment, still relying on his money. It’s only natural to assume that they’re not moving on. They can’t.

Let’s not forget the Afterlife moment where Ian was presented as, well, I’ll quote Sunshine here on this one:

He was a nerd, and he was silly, and he was VERY apologetically himself, but…What we had was special.

It seems as though Ian has a habit of apologizing in their relationship. We’ve seen many instances of him being apologetic even before he cheated. Often times when people apologize, they give the person they wronged gifts to represent their sincerity, sometimes really expensive gifts. Ian was jokingly referred to once as “Team has money, will pay ur bills.”

What if Ian has a habit of throwing money at his problems? What if he thinks money can fix, well, everything?

This does lead a new headcanon I have about Ian’s home life, particularly who his father might be. There’s this common theory that Ian is related to Jean Laurent, former co-star on the SunnyTime Crew Show who played the part of Rory Rainberry alongside Jack. Both Ian and Jean have similar orange hair and freckles, which has made this a compelling theory, even if the different surnames pose a wrinkle to the idea. It certainly would make sense how Ian has money and got a job as the new Jack if he was related to a famous actor with connections, particularly to the old show...

Now, I’m going pretty deep into headcanon on this point but I think Jean really is Ian’s father. Ian could have his mother’s last name, but not because Jean took her last name upon marriage. I don’t think there was actually any marriage at all.

This seems kind of strange given how religious Ian’s mother is, right? Obviously someone who was so upset at her son doing something so “sinful” as to live with their partner before marriage would get married themselves right? That’s not necessarily the case. Sometimes people are just plain hypocritical and project their own mistakes and problems onto people they control.

There’s a picture of a woman theorized to be Ian’s mother. The quote from this woman is very telling, even if it’s not strictly canon for the game.

Let’s break the picture down. This woman is in heavy makeup, with styled hair, long nails, and drinking presumably an alcoholic beverage in that martini glass. She is telling someone, presumably a child, that they are so ugly, the only way they’ll get sex is from a desperate sex worker unless they have a lot of money to burn.

Quite the awful woman. If she’s talking to her child, then that’s a sign of an abusive parent. Ian’s mother certainly seems similarly abusive in the afterlife story.

“...My mom called me.”

“Someone gave her our address…Or she might have had one of her friends watching. I don’t know…”

“S-She…Uh…She says that…To live with someone out of…Wedlock…I-It’s a sin? And I’m going to hell?”

“She said I’m only doing it to…To satisfy…My manhood…”

“I-I’m not taking advantage of you by doing this…Am I?”

What if these opinions of Ian are projections his mother had about herself and his father?

My headcanon is that Jean, a famous star, had a lot of sugar babies. Ian’s mother, Ms. Duff, was one of those people who latched onto him for money, connections, and fame. She tried to baby trap Jean into marriage, but that plan failed to work. She still got financial support from Jean, but now she was an unwed mother forced to raise a child on her own. That led her to being resentful and clinging more to religion and control over her son to vent her frustrations at the choices she made.

Ian seems to struggle with wanting his mother’s approval, even though she’s a horrible woman. What if he learned how to be apologetic from not only her abusive treatment, from her apologies as well? Why, she gave him something nice, so it means she really is sorry, right? She certainly could have been given plenty of nice things when her sugar daddy acted out but still tried to keep her on the hook...

Abuse can be a cycle that chains into the next person. Jean has control over Ian’s mother, apologizes when he hurts and upsets her, and gives her fancy stuff to make amends and keep her coming back to him. Ian’s mother abuses Ian, but gets him to keep listening to her through guilt and gifting him money for, say, a fancy college.

Those things might even be reason enough for Ian to unblock her and let her back into his life to keep influencing him. Sadly, there are people who have been abused to unblock their abusers out of guilt... or because they’re afraid of getting cut off.

Now Ian thinks that a new job with fame and money can fix his relationship with Sunshine. Of course it’ll work. It worked on his mom, who kept coming back to Jean despite how many times he cheated to satisfy his manhood...

Again, that is just my own headcanon and there’s very little evidence to prove it for sure, but I think it fits many pieces very neatly into place. Ian can use his connections through his dad to get the job at the rebooted Sunny Day Jack show, which is probably being produced by Jean, or at least Jean still has his old connections to LambsWork...

Of course, if the earlier theory that Sunny Day Jack was a role of a lamb to be slaughtered, what might that say about Jean giving his son the same part that murdered his co-worker all those years ago?

Now let’s finish things off with Shaun, who has kind of gotten the short end of the stick in terms of how much we know about him.

Shaun seems to be the most normal of the bunch, right?

Here, kitty-kitty~

You don't have to worry about anything with friends like Shaun looking out for you~

He might be into horror movies, goth fashion, and come from a family of funeral directors, but he seems pretty normal.

He seems normal.

There was a tweet, unfortunately now deleted, where Jambeebot seemed amused by the idea that the fans believe Shaun is the most normal of the love interests. There’s an implication that he might be just as... not quite right as the rest of them.

There’s not all that much to indicate Shaun is a threat to Sunshine. Even the creepy cut in picture is just him looking shocked/upset/angry while covered in blood. It doesn’t hint at him being the cause of violence. Even his profile and the teaser quotes don’t hint at a sinister side.

I still can’t quite shake the idea that if the other three leads might be yandere, Shaun might be too in order to round off the set.

After all, I had proposed the idea a while back that there are plenty of ways to be a yandere. A yandere essentially means “love sick,” a person who is unhealthy with love. I posited that there could be yanderes who aren’t inherently violent to others, but to themselves.

Remember in the demo the story about Shaun staying up all night then buying Sunshine breakfast the next day? What if Shaun is the type of yandere who sacrifices himself to unhealthy extremes for the sake of the one he loves?

Though there might be other things about him that are more dangerous that we’ll learn in the full release of the game. After all, the demo is short, and there are glimpses of a much bigger story waiting to be told...

Of course, we can’t dismiss the threat Jack poses over the others. After all, there’s this gem from his profile:

Jack is ready to be your best friend until the end in the most literal sense. The only question is-- what to do about those pesky, inferior other friends of yours who came before him and now stand in his way?

A “friend to the end in the most literal sense.” I think we can all get what that’s implying. The question is if Jack plans to speed up that end, or if it’s just he plans to be with Sunshine until the end of their natural lifespan?

It seems unlikely to be the former, as Jambeebot stated that Jack sincerely does love Sunshine and just wants to bask in their warm and happy light. This still seems quite sinister in any case.

Then, of course, there’s the fact that Jack finds Sunshine’s other friends to be pesky, inferior, and in his way. Is it just because they’re friends, or is it because they want what he wants - Sunshine’s love?

We can’t dismiss the idea that Jack really is the game’s one and only antagonist and he could possess and manipulate others into violence. Personally though, I want to go with the headcanon that all the guys are yandere for Sunshine.

Wouldn’t it be such a great twist if the obvious threat of the ghost in the cursed VHS tape was actually the person who is the least dangerous threat to Sunshine? After all, as Jack said, he can’t do anything Sunshine doesn’t want him to... No other yandere would have the same supernatural guarantee of their consent and safety.

Edit:  Oops forgot the obligatory tags for @channydraws and @earthgirlaesthetic. If you want to get tagged when I make the next headcanon post, just let me know!

Also, if you like my writing, consider checking out my SDJ fanfic, Sunshine in Hell and leaving a comment telling me what you think. I just adore hearing from you!

[caapsiizzereads]

The greatest films of all time were never made

Chapter 1 of If my wishes came true, it would’ve been you

Warnings: none for this chapter i think

“This one looks interesting.”

“This one at least looks like something.”

“It’s like yin yung but with swans.”

Jamie’s not sure what he’s doing here – he has never been much of an art connoisseur. So how did he get here? Keeley, of course. She was gushing about this amazing art exhibition that she was going to go with a friend, she even managed to get invitations to the opening night. Unfortunately, at the last minute, something came up and she couldn’t go, so Jamie just had to go instead of her. She promised that he and Jenna, her “date”, would definitely get along. Jamie’s not stupid, he knows when he’s being set up. He doesn't think Keeley was even trying to hide it that much. And he trusts her enough to know that she wouldn’t do this unless she really thought that it was worth a shot, so he went with it. And so far, it has been going well. Nothing extraordinary, but better than he expected. Jenna is nice, she’s pretty, she’s chatty, easygoing, and she seems to be really enjoying the exhibition.

“Oh, I know this one!” Jamie finally sees a painting he can recognize. “Never understood what’s so special about it. It’s just lines and squares.”

“To be honest, me neither. But I guess there is something if people are willing to pay millions for it.” Jenna moves on to the next artwork. “What about this one?” Just some funky doodles, if you ask Jamie. “‘Youth’,” she reads the name.

“This is just a bunch of colorful shapes, I could do that.”

“And this is ‘Childhood’ and ‘Old Age’,” she gestures at the two paintings near them. “It says it’s a series of ten paintings, ‘The Ten Largest’, each one representing a stage in a human’s life.”

“It’s still a bunch of doodles.”

“I don’t know, I like these. Now I wanna see what the other seven look like.”

“I’m sure it’s on the internet.”

While Jenna is trying to look up the paintings online, Jamie looks around the gallery. The room is filled with men in fancy suits and women in expensive dresses, a bunch of waiters serving champagne, and security guards.

Many people seem to know each other, engaging in conversations or staring profoundly at the artworks. A bunch of posh twats is what Jamie would call them. Ain’t no way even half of them know what the fuck they are staring at. Not that he does either, but at least he can admit it.

Jamie’s about to conclude his observations when something catches his eye. Just for a brief moment, he thinks he saw a familiar face – one Jamie used to know so well. He doesn’t quite believe it at first, but then he looks again, and there it is. A bit different now, but Jamie would still recognize it anywhere. Wearing a silky black dress, with a glass of champagne in her hand and a charming smile on her face, she was standing right there, talking to a couple so called posh twats. Y/n.

She meets his eyes for a second as her head moves, and then she pauses, her eyes going back to him and surprise visible on her face.

Too soon, one of the rich-looking old men approaches her and snatches her attention, an easy smile appearing on her face again as she joins another conversation.

“Look.” Jamie hears Jenna talk. He looks back at her to see her showing her phone screen to him. There are the paintings from the series: different colors, same vibe.

“Yeah, cool,” is all Jamie can come up with.

Another half an hour goes by, and Jamie just continues following Jenna around the room. But while Jenna is looking at the art, Jamie’s a lot more interested in the crowd now. He keeps searching for Y/n’s face again and again as she makes her way through the gallery. She meets his eyes a couple of times, but other than that her attention stays on the people she’s talking to. Does she know all of them? Does she attend such events often? Is it the crowd she hangs out with now? Well, art has always been her thing. But rich twats and small talk? Not so much.

They stop in front of another painting: a red tree on a blue background.

“Why is the tree red?” Jamie says the first thing on his mind.

“Because it’s impressionism, and the painting is called ‘The Red Tree’.” Jamie’s heart skips a beat at the sound of an oh so familiar voice.

“This one stands out, you know, from all the squares,” Jenna smiles at Y/n.

“It does,” Y/n chuckles. “This is one of Mondrian’s earlier works, before he really dove into the whole abstractionism thing. He’s actually quite known for his paintings of trees, but this one is the most remarkable, in my opinion. It’s one of the first works where he used his famous red-blue-yellow color scheme.”

“That’s so interesting. You’re an art fan?”

“Kinda. I work here, so that helps.” Wait, what?

“Oh, that’s amazing! What’s your favorite piece here?”

“Well, I love this,” Y/n points at the painting in front of them. “But between us, af Klint is my favorite here. Have you seen ‘The Swan’?”

“Yes! I thought it was very interesting, but Jamie didn’t share my enthusiasm,” Jenna playfully puts her hand on Jamie’s arm, and he smiles awkwardly at Y/n.

“That checks out.” She smiles knowingly at him for a brief second. “The abstract one next to it is actually from the same series. There are a lot of them, but those two are the only ones I could get here. But No. 1 is my favorite anyway. I also love all of her botanical drawings.”

“We haven’t got to them yet.”

“You absolutely should. They are very simple, but I guess that’s exactly why I like them. ‘Violet Blossoms’ is my personal favorite.”

“We’ll definitely check them out. Must be so cool, always being surrounded by art?”

“Oh, you should ask the artists. I am mostly surrounded by paperwork,” Y/n huffs a laugh.

It’s very weird watching a woman that he’s just met today and a woman that he’s known for half of his life but hasn’t seen in years casually chatting right in front of him. And he’s not even part of the conversation.

“I really love this exhibition, though. You did a fantastic job with it.”

“Thank you, I’m glad you like it. Well, I’m gonna leave you to it. Hope you enjoy your evening.” Y/n smiles so casually at Jamie, as if he’ll be able to think about anything but her for the rest of the night. Maybe for the rest of his life.

“Thank you!” Jenna easily returns her smile.

And just like that, Y/n was gone. And Jamie’s still standing there like an idiot, watching her disappear in the crowd again. He had spent years wondering if he would ever get to talk to her again, and now that she was right there standing in front of him, all he could do was just stand there smiling awkwardly at her because he couldn’t come up with a single coherent thing to say.

They finish their walk-through. Jenna shares Y/n’s appreciation for the flower drawings, and knowing that Y/n loves them makes Jamie see something special in them too. They kinda remind him of the drawings Y/n used to sketch in her notebook when she couldn’t care enough to pay attention to the class.

Jamie drives Jenna back to her place and walks her to the front door, being a gentleman and all. She opens the door and stands facing him. Jamie can tell that he’s welcome to come in.

“The gallery curator, do you know her?” That was not what he expected her to say.

“What? Why?”

“I don’t know, just seemed like she was the only thing that really interested you tonight.” There’s no bitterness in her tone, just curiosity, maybe.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t–”

“No, no. It’s fine, I didn’t mean it like that. I had a good time tonight. But I think we both can do better.” She smiles at him.

“Yeah, yeah, me too. Had a good time.”

“You can still come in, you know. No strings attached. Just a little bit more of a good time.”

“I think I’m good.” Jenna smiles knowingly.

Jamie spends the whole drive home and the rest of the night trying to process what the hell has happened. And the date that he was supposedly on didn’t even make the front page of the things on his mind. It’s all Y/n, Y/n, Y/n.

He didn’t even know that she lives in London now. Well, probably. She has to if she said that she works in the gallery. And it makes no sense for him to be surprised that he didn’t know – he hadn’t talked to her in half a decade. Six years, to be precise. Of course, that’s plenty of time to move. But it still feels weird to know that she has been so close, and he had no idea. How long has she been here? Has she thought about him over those years? Does she even want to talk to him after how things ended between them?

There is no way Jamie could ever just let this go now. He knows it will eat him alive if he doesn’t at least try to reach out to her. If she tells him to go fuck himself, well, he proabably deserves it. But if there’s even a small chance that Jamie could get her back in his life, he will take it.

Knowing where Y/n works is a pretty good start – he knows for a fact how to find her. Jamie checks the gallery’s work hours and settles to wait for her outside. Like a creep. But, hey, they know each other, so it doesn’t count.

Almost an hour passes after the closing before Y/n walks out of the gallery, waving goodbye to one of her coworkers. She starts walking to her car while reaching into her coat’s pocket for the keys.

“Y/n!” She stops, then slowly turns around to the source of the familiar voice. “Hi,” Jamie smiles sheepishly at her.

“Hi.”

“We didn’t really get a chance to talk yesterday, and I really hoped that we could… so…”

“So you were waiting for me outside of my work like a stalker?” she suggests.

“Maybe. So can we? Talk?”

“Now? Here?” she gestures at the surrounding parking lot.

“We can meet up? Like for dinner or something?”

“Yeah, sure.” Jamie lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Give me your number? I, uh, tried to call you once a few years back, it said your number was no longer working.”

“Oh, yeah, got a new one. Hold on.” Y/n takes her phone and opens the keypad, turning the screen towards Jamie.

He starts typing out his number. “So you live in London now?”

“Mhm, moved a couple of years ago.” Jamie pressed the call button, and his phone lights up with a number.

“Are you free tomorrow?”

“No, sorry. The day after?”

“Away match, gonna be gone till Saturday. Sunday?”

“Yes, Sunday works.”

“Mint.”

“See you soon, then,” Y/n smiles at him before taking the car keys back in her hand.

“See you.”

Jamie didn’t realize how anxious he was about this meeting until he was walking back to his car, feeling like his steps were a hundred times lighter and a smile was growing on his face.

Sunday couldn’t have come soon enough. Jamie and Y/n agreed on the time and place over texts, and Jamie offered to pick her up, but she declined. Jamie has never been this nervous before any date, and this is not even a date. Just two old friends catching up. Could he even still call them friends? He wants to believe that yes, but realistically, six years, almost seven, is a long fucking time. Jamie knows that a lot has happened in his life since the last time he saw Y/n, and knowing her, just as much has probably happened in hers. On the brighter side, she didn't seem to be mad at him. So maybe six years is also enough time for her to forget why they haven’t talked for that long in the first place. Either way, this is the chance that Jamie was hoping for, and he will not waste it.

Jamie gets dressed, nice enough but not too dressed up, and makes sure to arrive on time. Just a few minutes later, Y/n gets there too. Jamie stands up as she makes her way to the table, feeling his mouth go dry.

“You look good.” Jamie goes for casual.

“Thank you, you too,” she smiles at him.

“So…” How is it that Jamie has spent every waking hour thinking about what he’s going to say to Y/n, but every time she’s in front of him, no words can come out of his mouth?

Fortunately, Y/n spares him the awkwardness. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been good, yeah. Won the match yesterday.”

“That’s great! Who were you playing with?” Jamie can’t tell if she really cares or is just asking to be polite.

“Brentford.” Y/n is smiling and nodding, Jamie recognizes this one. “You don’t know who they are, do you?”

“No idea,” she chuckles. “But you won, so I guess they’re not as good, huh.”

“Maybe we’re just that good.”

“We, as in AFC Richmond?” She teases.

“That’s a long story…”

“And there’s a reality show involved somewhere in there.”

“Oh my God, you saw that?” Jamie wants the earth to swallow him whole.

“Some parts of it. Honestly, Jamie, I thought I raised you better than that.”

“Not my finest moment.”

“But, hey, look at you now. Heard you’re playing for the national team now. And Roy Kent’s your manager! This is, like, your childhood wet dream.”

“It was not!”

“Is his poster still on your wall? Do not lie to me.” Y/n squints at him.

“I don’t live in that room anymore!”

“So it is still there.”

“Oh, fuck off!” They both laugh. And it feels so fucking good. Just like the old times – Y/n teasing him, laughing together, just talking like two friends.

“Okay, that’s not fair. I don’t know anything about you,” Jamie starts again after their little laugh break. “How have you been? I mean, running a gallery? That’s awesome.”

“Well, I don’t run it. I’m just a curator. But yeah, it is pretty cool. I’ve been doing alright.”

“Never thought I’d see you living in England again, to be honest.”

A weird look flickers in Y/n’s eyes before she puts her perfect smile back in place. “Yeah, well, it was a long way. Loved Paris, and, God, Amsterdam was great, but in the end I decided to be closer to my family.”

Jamie beams. “How’s Natalie? How’s Amelia? She’s what, fourteen now?”

“Fifteen. God, she’s a handful.”

“It runs in the family,” Jamie says with a cheeky grin.

Y/n snorts. “Evidently.”

“Mom said you sold your house.”

“Oh, yeah, it was, like, five years ago. Nat finally decided to move to London. Oh my God, how’s Georgie? Her and Simon still together?”

“She’s good, yes. They got married!”

“Oh, that’s great! Told you he’s a good guy!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. She asks about you sometimes, you know.”

“Well, tell her that I’m doing well and sending her my best wishes.”

“Will do.” Jamie and Y/n smile warmly at each other across the table.

They end up talking for hours. Jamie tells Y/n about meeting Roy for the first time, about his Richmond teammates, and (by Y/n’s demand) about Keeley. Y/n tells him crazy stories from her university years, about all the places she’s lived in before moving to London, and about the struggles of raising a teenager.

When it gets late and they walk out of the restaurant, Jamie offers to give Y/n a ride again, which she accepts this time.

Jamie stops by her place, and they exchange goodbyes. “Tell Natalie and Meli I said hi. Would love to see them some time too.”

“I’ll tell them. It was nice seeing you, Jamie,” she smiles at him.

“Yeah, you too.” Y/n reaches for the door handle when Jamie speaks up again. “Wait.” She looks back at him. “Can I ask you something?” A nod. “You knew all this stuff, like who I play for and, uh, other. How?”

Y/n huffs a laugh. “You’re not exactly a low profile person. Sometimes Nat would say something, since she was more subjected to the Premier League news… and certain reality shows.” Jamie internally cringes at the thought that Y/n’s sister has seen it too. “And I have the Internet too, you know. Got curious a couple of times, wanted to see how you’re doing, so I googled you. Pretty convenient.”

“Right.” Knowing that Y/n has thought of him over those past years too, even enough to look him up, gives Jamie the courage to ask the question that he’s dreaded hearing the answer for. “You’re not mad at me?”

“For what?” Y/n asks genuinely.

“For the way I… for how I acted back then.” Y/n understands what he means.

She doesn’t seem to share Jamie’s inner turmoil regarding the past, though. “It was a long time ago, Jamie. People fall apart, it happens.”

“But not us,” Jamie says desperately. “It was my fault. And I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

Y/n regards him for a moment, as if trying to figure something out, then she nods. “Okay.”

“Do you think we can be friends again?” Jamie asks hopefully.

“If you want.”

“I do!”

“You have my number,” she smiles at him one last time.

—

You sigh as you drop the keys on the hall tree and take off your shoes. You hear the noise coming from the living room, and when you walk in there, you find Amelia stretched on the couch, surrounded by a bunch of empty takeout boxes, watching TV. “Glad you’re enjoying your night,” you greet her.

“I left you a piece of cake,” she nods towards the bitten slice of cake that she clearly just couldn't finish.

“That’s so kind of you,” you say with obvious irony.

“Did you enjoy yours?” she grins at you.

“It was alright.”

“Just alright?”

You sit on the arm of the couch. “Kinda weird.”

“Weird how?”

“Like when you watch the first two seasons of a show and then go straight to season twelve. The faces are familiar, but you have no idea what the fuck is going on.”

“Out of the two of us, you’re the only one who does this, but I get what you mean. Did you do a recap? You know, like a ‘previously on…’?”

“Yeah, something like that. But, you know, it’s been a while.” She nods thoughtfully. You look at the TV screen, some action movie playing there. “What are you watching?”

“Uncharted.”

“Tom Holland game movie?”

“Mhm. I can finish later, you wanna watch something together?”

“Sure, just let me go change.”

You change into your home clothes and join Amelia on the couch.

“You never said why you stopped talking. I remember he was always around, and then he just wasn’t,” she says while you’re watching the Disney+ loading screen.

“Well, I moved to Paris, and he started playing full-time. And then he just kinda… ghosted me.”

“Asshole.”

You snort. “I know, right? He apologized, actually. Didn’t expect that.”

“You’re going to see him again?” She starts scrolling through the suggested shows.

“I don’t know. Maybe. He offered us to come to a match if you want.”

“Maybe,” Amelia replies noncommittally. “The Mandalorian?” She clicks on the show’s icon.

“Yes.” You pick up the uneaten piece of cake and lean back onto the couch cushions, resting your feet on the side table. Now, that’s a man that you’re always happy to see.

A/N: writing this fic while i’m dying inside and falling behind on my uni deadlines😗✌️

[littledigits]

directy directory ramble incoming

I wanted to type out my thoughts on the role of director and how its viewed. Especially coming from a perspective of seeing the streaming bubble pop and just..intense scope creep..and yeah , anyway. No reason specifically just my surface level musings that i always have. Its been 5+ years since I went from an animation supervisor to an animation director, to being able to do my own episodes. It wasnt something I wanted in the sense of a title, but I just like taking whatever the next step or challenge is. I've always been team oriented too, so that will always be in the back of my mind when being in a position with more power. The level of power you have as a director is not something I was expecting to have,so I try not to take it for granted.

Over time I really found that there are two viewpoints of what the job and the expectations of the director are. People have asked me for advice on the job and Its through these conversations that I really see the split opinion. The strongest camp is the one that represents the word least to me, and thats the people who think that the director is 'in charge' in the sense of always doing what they say. There are good and bad of course, but the directors job is to make the hard choices and to push boundaries and to enact a VISION (be it their own, a clients, ect). Their expectation soley revolves around the creation of the creative product. The other camp is the one that sees the Director as a leader first and foremost, who has a responsibility to their team as well as the product, and that leadership and team management skills should be on the roster as well as creative prowess. one thinks its about creative vision first and minimal people skills, and the other thinks it should be 50/50 at the very least. I'm in the second camp, and I have so many people that go 'YES, THAT IS WHAT A DIRECTOR SHOULD DO!' and as much as I agree, I also have to point out that is often not the actual reflected expectations that Directors get - expectations play a big role after all. When you enter a job or grow in a job you should know what your new responsibilities are, and if not you are left to fill in your own gaps. Studios in GENERAL are terrible with clear boundaries and job expectations, so its really no surprise that the stronger creative voices become the loudest in the room. Even the most well meaning people can get into an impossible mindset because no one has told them otherwise...we all know passion and creativity can take us places after all. Sometimes, one is thrust into a position of power without even knowing just how much their choices may impact the team. There are some notorious asshole directors of course but for the most part I've found that creatives in the director realm are well meaning. However, that doesnt change the reality that as well-meaning as you are, there is an entire team of people who can be effected by your mindest, choices and problem sovling for good or bad.

I've talked about this before, but a mindset can vastly change how you problem solve something. A director with no leadership skills may see work that does not meet their expectations and their first thought was that the artist did not do their job properly. A director with leadership skills may see work that does not meet their expectations and understand there are many factors. Heres a few questions I ask myself.

did that person receive proper expectations for the task ?

was there a communication mishap ? ( this happens ALL THE TIME. its ART !_! the amount of times i've written a note that i thought was super clear and someone takes it in a way that..i didnt expect but it also made sense ? SOMETIMES IT DO BE THAT WAY. WE WORK ON OUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS TOGETHER)

did they have enough time to do it ? or feel rushed?

is everything ok ? Everyone has bad times and blips in the production so its reasonable that sometimes things come in not 100%

if it is a hard skill issue, is it a one off or is it ongoing? how are we helping them work on it? The answers to these questions are FAR more valuable in actually getting your vision done to the best of your time and energy then just simply thinking someone doesnt have the skills or needs to learn more. ALL OF THIS TO SAY. That even just having good faith and a connection to your team as a director is incredibly valuable for your information gathering and problem solving, (you learn way more about your pipeline and where the real issues are.) but is vastly underrepresented as an expectation of the job. SO. IF YOU WANT TO DIRECT. you may not get told that your team is part of your responsibility, but if we want a sustainable and healthy industry we have to divide our passion for the project into our team as well as the creative end game. Take some leadership classes, learn about different communication types, or at least have people around you who can do that. You dont need to be everyones bestie, but you do have a responsibility for their experience on the project. ill post some tips and such about working with people later cuz this is long enough

[epitomereally]

Meet Me at Midnight by @the-starryknight

This was an absolutely favorite from this year’s H/D Wireless & I’m so happy Starry let me bind it! It features a gorgeous healing craftsman Harry, a prickly but soft Draco, and an incredible ensemble cast of Harry’s friends, who all love and take such good care of him, while working towards bettering the world. Starry’s writing is so lush and evocative. The dreamscapes, 4 Jonquil Place & Chiara, and all of Harry’s woodworking pieces are so beautifully described, and I tried to do this atmosphere justice in my binding.

This was a fic where the binding sprang into my head fully formed while reading. I was struck by the description of Chiara, vines growing all over her body, and the gorgeous blues and greens throughout the story, which inspired both the illustrations and the colors throughout. I went fully maximalist with the illustrations, and leant very literally into the dreaming & waking up motif. We have growing vines at each chapter header, which slowly open up into morning glories. On the cover, I’ve illustrated poppies to fit with the dream motif, and then a dahlia, because I love them :) this was also my first time making headbands and I love the pop of emerald & seaform that they add. I also was so happy with the bookcloth; I spent a long time looking for a deep, rich blue. It was surprisingly hard to find a highly saturated dark blue!

The dedication comes from @sitp-recs recommendation. It’s officially the longest dedication I’ve ever put in, but I couldn’t shorten it!

This fic is, first and foremost, a love letter. Not only to Drarry but mainly to creators, artists and crafters, who are struggling with burnout and feeling defeated, uninspired, maybe even useless. This was a realistic portrayal of how devastating it feels to lose the grip on our creative muse, the very thing that gives us purpose and gets us through the mundane by making our lives extraordinary. This Harry represents so many of us feeling lost and discouraged and broken, but Starry generously mends all pieces…This fic is full of hope and understanding, it’s about love but also about friendship, self-care, resistance and the importance of fighting for political change no matter how seemingly small or unimportant.

Many thanks also to @a-gay-old-time for their cover painting tutorial & also for answering my ask about how they bind flatback books. This bind wouldn’t be possible without your help & you have been a huge inspiration for me in taking up fanbinding!

Body font: Alegraya

Title font: Venose

Dropcaps: Fleur Corner Caps

Endpapers: Craft Consortium Ink Drops in Ocean

Bookcloth: Japanese Asahi bookcloth in navy blue (here from Oregon Art Supply & I also assume Navy from Talas is the same color, though it's hard to tell over the monitor) - thanks for pointing this out, @pandamomentum)

[semi-imaginary-place]

1 more chapter to go then we will have all 108. Phos was turned into a perfect human, but all humans are imperfect, to be a perfect human is to be imperfect. The professor said to burn the bridge back to humanity so that the new inorganic lifeforms could begin a new society free of the taint of humanity and I begin to wonder if that was impossible from the start. Much in the way Adamant taught the gems with their incomplete knowledge of humanity and how to live, Phos and Brother have guided the Pebbles in creating language and culture and just like Adamant none of it was intentional or done with malice.

I like many others found the Phos death scene to be extremely emotionally evocative, beautiful in how those pages blend the literal dissolution of Phos' body by the plasma of the dying sun with the metaphorical stripping away the years of Phos' existence as we the audience reflect back on his journey.

"You will change beyond all understanding, but something of you will remain." (The Memory - Fallen London)

"as different as they are now, some important things have not changed. this is hinted to us in 99, with the parallels it draws between the beginning of the story and where we are now (black panels with the same layout as the very first panels of the manga, and Phos lying in the grass, jobless, for who knows how long until someone calls out to them)... they still do not value their own existence and therefore take the message of “burn the bridge” to confirm their desire to erase their existence along with humanity’s. they fear making the pebbles "human" like them and bringing them the suffering that comes with that. however, i believe Phos has already given humanity to the pebbles. through their influence (both passive and intentional) the pebbles are intelligent, communicate with language, and create art- they make songs, dance, and tell stories. they are nothing but kind to Phos and each other, because Phos is nothing but kind to them. Phos is afraid of their human influence on the pebbles causing them harm, but their influence has brought everyone nothing but happiness, because they are "a kind child" who raised these other "children" to be kind as well, just as Pebble suggests in 106. this kindness and innocence inherent to Phos is contained within their gem heart." (flayote)

Unlike flayote, I agree more with CrashDunning in that I do not think Phos and the Pebbles have reached some glorious better life and have escaped the sufferings and evils of humanity, humans have not reached redemption because redemption is meaningless here. The gems and Lunarians chose the easy way out of being prayed to instead off passing on through their own efforts to better themselves like Shiro or the game board did.

The new planet is not some glorious heaven/pure land, it was always a part of the current universe. Things are the same as they were before. The world of flowers was not the Lunarians intended destination planet, Brother went off course, they were never suppose to land on that planet, that just happened to be the planet they ended up on. In ch 107 the gems in the flowers and the Pebbles likewise represent how the Lunarians and gems failed to achieve true enlightenment and are still stuck in the same universe being recycled over and over, but that is not such a bad thing, just how things are. There is both inescapable beauty and pain to existence. After a lot of imagery of failed enlightenment and an empty lotus pod, in ch 107 the lotus pod is finally filled with seeds, it has fulfilled it's lifecycle and will continue to be reborn.

So despite everything changing beyond recognition, Phos and sentient life itself, it all also remains the same.

[m0r1bund]

"Lore, where have you been?"

In hell, probably. I remade M0R1BUND.com.

“For the love of god, why?”

Short answer: to save time and money.

Long answer: Sharing art was getting burdensome. Neocities hosts static websites built with html, css, and javascript—which is awesome for its mission, to encourage people to create future-proof websites. But this also means that every page is created and maintained by hand. I handle every little link and file and bit of code, and if I want to do site-wide changes, I have to push those by hand, too. This takes time, and so does writing image descriptions and cross-posting art to other websites. It became normal for sharing art to eat up an entire day.

I later created Basedt.net in WordPress, so that I didn’t have to worry about managing link hierarchies, which was a big timewaster on my old webcomic. I liked working in WordPress well enough, and I knew I would benefit from being able to use PHP to manage the sheer amount of stuff that’s on M0R1BUND.com. I was also paying double for webhosting through two different services, when I really didn’t need to…. So… I knew it was inevitable that I would consolidate the two at some point. It was time.

I do really love Neocities and I’m sorry to let it go. I encourage anyone who wants to learn web design and create their own website to start there.

Anyway, that’s how I ended up in hell for 6 months.

“What’s changed?”

Most things. I’m most excited about the quality-of-life stuff, like being able to sort art by character/location/world, or being able to move between individual pieces instead of having to return to the gallery landing page. There are lots of things I want to add, but my soft deadline for this was the new year, so I focused on recreating M0R1BUND.com as it existed before… well… this.

I’ve also edited most of my writing. This site is old, and the art is even older, it felt good to give it some TLC.

There are still a few things missing from the new site:

The Woods and RANSOM. They aren’t really representative of Basedt or Mercasor anymore, and I was not a competent writer in 2018. If I re-share them, it will be in the distant future.  

Some of my Those Who Went Missing stuff. I haven’t been playing TWWM publicly, so this is lower priority right now. It will happen when it happens.  

Some twines. They haven’t adjusted to the new filepath format yet. Killswitch is here, though :)

If you need them urgently for some reason, I can share them with you? but that seems doubtful haha.

Links to pages on the old M0R1BUND.com are broken and will remain broken until I set up redirections to the new M0R1BUND.com. I have no idea how long that will take! … Hopefully not long, given the new semester is here.

And of course... If you see anything weird, tell me! I test as much as I can, but I only have access to so many devices. Break this website within an inch of its miserable life so that I can fix it.

“How’s Basedt going?”

It’s going. Recreating my website took precedence for the above reasons, but I’ve been working concurrently on it in my spare time. We move like a glacier into the new year. ETA: ???

[misch1efmanaged]

(REPOST) heart swindler - J.WY (Part 1)

! REPOST ONTO THIS BLOG TO KEEP CONSISTENCY !

ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ part 1: Moving back to a capital city seemed exciting enough but it also brings competition in your field. You work hard to provide for you and your nephew but business is harsh and your rival, Wooyoung seems to be having a streak of good luck. Wooyoung’s streak was not your only problem as you find yourself bumping into strange a man at the club, you have a feeling it is not the last time you’ll be seeing him either. 

ɢᴇɴʀᴇ: Female Pronouns Conwoman reader! x Conman Wooyoung! Enemies to Lovers. Angst. Fluff. Smut.

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ: 18+ smut themes in the future parts. Mentions of drug abuse. Abusive parenting. Violence. Bi? Wooyoung? Stalking. Slowburn!. Conning? More to be added... This is fiction and does not represent the real idol.

words: 7.8K

PART 2

---

The night club was jam packed this Saturday night. You recognize some charting rap song blasting through the bass-boosted speakers, blurring out the sounds of people around you. The clubs in the central area had no motivation in making a good mix for the night, rather re-using anything that could be considered loud and sexual enough.

At least the bass is alright here you thought as your eyes scan over the crowded dance floor from a balcony on the second floor. Some nights you felt like a hawk hunting for prey. Your eyes had been trained to see through the sharp strobing lights which helped you speed things up.

There were often times you wondered what name to put to your career. Some people from your past would scream conwoman…

Your eyes scan the gray and black newspaper as a small smirk spreads over your lips.

“Young woman conned man out of half a million dollars, read page five”

You quickly flip the light pages of the newspaper before landing on the page where you were met with the pathetic face of the said man. Asshole, he was the one who offered you the money anyway. That job was way too easy. He only went crying about being conned after his poor wife had received the anonymous message from you to her phone;

Anonymous: This is how much your husband loves you *image*.

You admit, that move was a little too asshole-ish even for you. Usually you would keep out of your target’s private life but it was simply sweet karma after hearing the bastard speak degradingly of his wife who had fallen ill and been hospitalized. The audacity men have. Damn you could even say you took some pity on her. That’s how you justified sending the video of him on his knees in front of you, worshiping you as if you are some greek goddess.

Anytime now…you thought and the loud chime of your phone ran through the luxurious hotel room just a few seconds later. You smirk and reach over to answer.

“Hey there sweetheart” you tease, holding the phone up to your ear as your eyes wander over the artwork hanging on the walls in the room. Many of them portrayed naked lovers, making you roll your eyes at the stereotypical art. You don’t even flinch as a loud voice curses you on the other side.

“I will kill you, you fucking bitch. You ruined my marriage- my career! I trusted a fucking conwoman” the older man that had so unfourtnarely been your previous target, curses in disbelief.

The words didn’t affect you anymore, hell you were in the luxurious hotel room thanks to his money to begin with, he could curse you all he wanted.

“Well, learn not to fuck women other than your wife, though I doubt she will let you near her again” you replied with a dry chukle, hanging up to block the number. Time to change phones…

Other times people recognized you simply as a tactful business woman who occasionally used men for money. You usually prefer this title anyway.

LUX, which was the name of the club you had settled on for tonight, was one of your favorites. It has beautiful architecture with many well-built bars spanning over three different levels, but that was not why you liked it so much. Neither did you really care about the club’s entertainment which consisted of half-naked girls dancing on poles spread around the first floor.

The reason LUX was your favorite was rather obvious. Anybody who entered, either had straight connections to the owner or was packed with millions. Both of those options ultimately meant that most men in attendance could give you what you were looking for; money.

Hongjoong, the owner of the place, allowed you to do business in the club in exchange for a friendly percentage. While you normally shrink away at the idea of sharing your profits, you have to remind yourself that without him you wouldn't even have access to a place like LUX.  

After what felt like hours, you spot a man sitting alone on a bar stool on the first floor. White button down shirt, a golden watch on his left wrist that reflected off the strobing lights and a half empty drink. Perfect.

Time to act. You make your way down the spiraling staircase that connects the three floors at LUX. You feel the blood being squeezed out of your feet thanks to the tight high heels you wore. They were at least a size too small, but you were determined to show off the fancy brand in hopes of catching attention. You suck it up and soften your mischievous expression into a softer, more innocent look. Men and their pathetic instinct to act as protective heroes.

You make your way over to the first-floor bar, not too close to the target you had picked out. Only a few seats were taken by the counter, most people having found a dance partner for tonight.

It was obvious when people turned their heads as you walked past and you had to keep yourself from smirking at the fact. At least with the act you were putting on.

You lean over the bar right to the side of the man who was sitting by himself, looking around as if trying to look for the bartender who was not present. Sighing dramatically, you look over at the man only to find he had acknowledged your presence.

With pouty lips and knitted eyebrows you wait for him to give you a friendly smile before moving closer.

“Excuse me, would you happen to have a phone charger? My friend left me here on my own and my phone has run out of battery” you offer a crooked smile, hoping he’d fall right in your trap.

Up-close, your target looked to be in his late thirties. This category was either a hit or miss. Some were too aware of your antics from earlier experiences, some totally oblivious.

The man ran a hand through his slicked back, brown hair, dimples popping as he smiled and leaned closer to yell over the blasting music.

“I don’t, but you could borrow my phone?” he suggested and you rolled your eyes in your head. You were rather impatient tonight, your last payment had been longer than two months ago and your savings account was drying out.

“Oh, I can’t remember the number though and she has my purse too- oh lord how will I get home?” You sound alarmed, acting panicked as you start glancing around the room, fingers intertwining as you fiddle in front or your victim who frowned with worry.

“Look dear, maybe I could just call you a taxi back home? And tomorrow you could meet up with your friend?” The stranger suggests. His intentions were nice for sure, but he didn’t seem to glance down at your red dress even once since you approached him.

“Would you do that? You are-” you begin with an innocent smile before somebody steps closer to you, shifting to stand between you and the stranger.

“-I’m back. Ready to go, pretty?” the voice makes you freeze. You clench your jaw to keep composure and not lose your shit in front of the whole club. The voice laced with honey belonged to someone you were more than familiar with.

You look up and lock eyes with him. Jung Wooyoung.

Wooyoung, who’s jet black hair now was dyed a shade of platinum blonde, looks down at you with his plump lips lifted into a signature smirk. He was well aware of what he had just done, and undoubtedly took great pride in interrupting your attempts at his target.

You offer him a tight-lipped smile, lacing it with spite that you were certain he could feel even if telepathy wasn’t a thing.

The man to your side stands up from his seat and smiles shyly, looking down at you as he hovers tall.

Pick somebody your height, asshole, you mutter in your head, wishing that Wooyoung would somehow hear it.

“I am afraid I have to leave, good luck getting home darling” the man comments politely as Wooyoung wraps an arm around the man’s waist. The men walk off towards the staircase and you could only imagine Wooyoung had the third floor full of private VIP rooms in mind.

Before disappearing out of your sight, Wooyoung glances over his shoulder at you with a mischievous smirk, shooting you a wink. You cock an eyebrow at him before flipping him off, middle finger adorned by the diamond your last target had been fooled into buying. It was always a game of show off between people who did what you did. And Wooyoung was one undoubtedly one of the best, to your dismay.

You take a seat on the barstool, slouching over as you decide to give up for the night. Truth be told, you were getting tired of this business. Having sleazy and naive men give you money was one thing, but entertaining them had slowly been eating away at your nerves and patience over the past year.

While the benefits of a successful job looked extravagant to anybody on the outside, the endless nights of guilt and feeling dirty after a job was not something one can ever be prepared for.

“The usual, bullet?” the bartender snaps you out of your thoughts by calling your nickname. You made sure that nobody ever found out your true identity. Switching names, ID’s and phones often to ensure the feds always were a step behind you.

You smile bitterly at the bartender and nod. It was alright, you thought. The weekend wasn’t over just yet.

~

The following night you are bending closer to the mirror as you trace the tip of a red lipstick over your lips as a finishing touch for tonight’s look. You made sure to switch up dresses, not wanting to risk being seen in the previous night’s outfit. The high heels from yesterday were switched for chunkier thigh-high boots, which complimented your black dress.

The dress in question was what one could call a lucky charm. You have been able to secure many deals whenever wearing it, hence why you created the belief that it would somehow make you luckier and keep you safe. Whatever the science behind such beliefs was, you just needed something to keep adding fuel to your hopes for the night. Tonight was Sunday, the last day of the weekend and your last chance of the week to secure a deal that would ensure stability for the upcoming future.

Honestly, you did not really give a shit about how you’d end up surviving a month without a deal. You could crash at an acquaintance's place. Or get some quick cash by selling a designer bag or two. But as your eyes meet a pair of soft, brown ones staring right at you through the full-body mirror, you are suddenly reminded of the reason why you keep trying.

You turn around, eyes landing on the young boy sitting at the edge of the hotel-room bed. The child was watching you get ready in silence, never interrupting or questioning what for.

“Y/n, do you really have to leave tonight too?” Jisung mumbles, looking down at his chubby fingers as they impatiently roll and fiddle over one another. You stay silent, gaze shifting to notice how he was growing nervous by the way his feet swung and hit the edge of the bed or the way his lips twisted outwards into a pout.

With a sigh, you take a seat beside him on the soft bed. Your hand reaches to grab his smaller one, squeezing it in reassurance. Although Jisung had just turned six, he was a lot smarter than most kids his age. He knew that the life you both lived was not ideal and he was humble and never took things for granted when you managed to bring in a lot of money.

You remembered how tiny he was when your sister first brought him over. She had taken something again, you weren’t sure what but her addiction seemed to grow stronger. The excuses of being busy or tired and needing help taking care of her only son, Jisung, only rolled in as soon as she had gotten a glance of you being responsible enough to take care of him. You were barely an adult when that happened, having to take care of a child throughout your late teens was not something you desired either. Shivers still run down your spine when you remember the night Jisung was to move in with you.

“Auntie? Can you please come get me? Mommy is scaring me” a tiny, familiar voice whispers. You were barely awake, eyes stinging as you lifted your phone from your ear, the bright screen blinding your sleepy eyes. You weren’t sure if you were dreaming still, your body engulfed by the warm and heavy blanket in your bed.

“H-hello?” Jisung whispered again and you finally realized that it was no dream. You were on a call.

You glance over to your night stand, the time reading 1:22AM and you wonder why Jisung was awake at such a time. And most importantly, how did he manage to call you using your sister’s phone?

“Hey buddy, what happened? What is mommy doing?” you ask gently, trying to mask your scratchy morning voice to not scare him further. Truth be told, as soon as the words “mommy” left his lips you could guess what this would be about, but you surely were not prepared for it to be as severe as it ended up being.

“Mommy is- mommy said she has to free me. She said I could meet daddy in heaven if I let her” he whispers, as if the call to you was a secret. As if he was hiding. “-And I wanna see daddy but mommy has a knife and I remember auntie said I can’t touch a knife” although he stumbled over his words and grammar, you did not need any clarification. You sit up in bed, throwing the covers off your body with such force that they end up on the floor. Never in your life had your heart dropped through your whole body so fast and ended down at your heels. It was as if a shock wave went through your body, sliding a heavy brick over your chest until you couldn't breathe properly. She had really gone insane now.

“Listen to auntie, baby. Where are you right now?” you ask as you reach for any clothing that could cover your body, never even sparing the pieces of fabric a glance as you rush to pull them onto your body.

“The toilet-” he mumbles but his voice is cut off by a gasp as you hear noises over the phone. Loud thuds make Jisung cry out and for a second you thought there was no way you would make it in time to see your nephew again.

“Lock the door baby, auntie is on her way, okay? Don’t hang up the phone” you command, leaving your dark bedroom, mind awake but body sloppily moving from exhaustion as you fumble with the stubborn lock to your apartment.

You weren’t sure how to get to your sister’s place. It was a twenty-minute car ride away and at this time no taxis were out by the worn-down neighborhood you had been living in for the time being. That is how you committed your first crime, legally speaking. Your eyes catch the tall street lamps shining straight down onto a row of bicycles, all alined perfectly and strapped to a metal bicycle stand. If that wasn’t a sign from the universe, you weren't sure what was. No guilt was ever felt as your eyes landed on a bicycle with a missing lock. It was way too tall for your body, the seat reaching way past your torso. But you were determined, you had to leave now and it wasn’t like you were stealing because you wanted to. You'd return it as soon as you’d be back, with your nephew.

“Auntie is coming, I’m coming to get you. Don’t open the door until I’m there” you breathe heavily, throwing your phone into the basket attached to the front of the steering handles as your feet push off the uneven ground to gain momentum and get the wheels spinning. You barely reach the pedals when you sit down on the bicycle seat, legs long enough so that your toes could push the pedals and keep rolling down the poorly-lit streets. Your lungs burned as you kept pushing your legs to work the pedals quicker. You could make out some sounds coming from the speaker on your phone as Jisung asked how much longer you’d be.

“Almost there, auntie is almost there baby” you yell, hoping he’d hear you even when harsh wind hit you as you turned and navigated the night to your sister’s house.

“Y/n?” Jisung’s voice cuts in, pushing the flashback back into the depths of your brain. You blink quickly and look over at him, meeting his gaze as he stares right at you with his questioning eyes. Jisung looked a lot like your sister, round shiny eyes and healthy curly hair, both colored by a combination of auburn brown. Yet he was very different from her. He was mature for his age, but also very sensitive and caring. He had experienced things he really shouldn’t have and you sometimes worry about the effects it could have on his future.

“Sorry buddy, I zoned out” you chuckle, playing it off as a goofy smile spread over your lips. You reach up and mess up his curls to get a high-pitched giggle out of him.

“You know that I have to work. But I promise to be back as soon as I can. I'll even bring you a burger” you raise a knowing brow at your nephew who’s lips now part slightly at your promise. Of course he’d be sold at the mention of a burger. You shake your head in disbelief.

“Now tell me the rules one more time” you tell him as you stand up from the bed, grabbing a small crossbody bag to hang it over your shoulder. This was routine every time you went out and left him all by himself. Something nibbles at your heart when you realize just how lonely Jisung must  feel while you're gone, but you convince yourself you were doing it with his best interest in mind. And since you were leaving him all alone in a hotel, he may as well learn to stay safe.

“Don’t leave the room. Don’t open the door, even for staff and if they ask why I’m alone, I say my parents are out for dinner. Call you only in emergencies. Call the police in serious danger-” he lists the rules one by one, holding up his chubby fingers to help him hold count. You nod in affirmation. “Well done. Now be good, I will be home before you even know it” you lean over to place a kiss to Jisung’s forehead, stealing one last glance at the boy as he watches you leave with a small pout on his lips.

~

Sunday’s were not half as busy as Saturdays. The line of people outside was barely stretching down the sidewalk when it usually went all the way around the street. You make your way to the front of the line, never facing the people who vocally complain about you cutting in line.

“Hey Mark, new suit today?” You send the bouncer a charming smile as he recognizes you, nodding with a pleased look.

“New dress today, bullet?” the tall man winks and you roll your eyes playfully, passing by him and into the storm of loud music and people.

Today you decide to change your tactic, moving straight to the bar instead of making your way to a higher ground and picking a target out. You silently thank yourself for wearing boots instead of a tight pair of heels like the previous night.

The music blasting today was rather calmer than yesterday, a mix of RnB and reggaeton setting the mood to your advantage. Before you could take a seat you are suddenly interrupted by a body stepping in front of you. You look up at the man, raising your eyebrows at him before rolling your eyes and stepping aside to move out of his way. Yet the stranger follows, stepping right after you to block your way.

“Move” you say bitterly, wondering what the asshole’s problem was. He didn’t look much older than you and he wasn’t dressed to impress anyway.

“Y/n wasn’t it?” he says and it takes you everything not to react. Nobody in this area should have enough information to even know your name so why was this man in front of you saying it so proudly? You were careful not to expose the way your stomach squeezed for a second.

“Wrong person, buddy. Now move” you roll your eyes and this time push the man away with force to make yourself comfortable at the bar. You don’t turn around to check whether he was still after you. After a tense minute of waiting for something to happen, you sigh in relief. Maybe he had seen you years ago and recognized you but either way, you could not engage with anybody who threatened to expose you to the feds.

The bar was even emptier than yesterday, all people migrated to the dance floor but hey, at least Wooyoung seemed to be missing too, to your luck. He must've been successful with picking the right target yesterday, maybe he would have already left the country and was spending nights on a resort somewhere across the globe.

The bartender brings over a welcome shot of some liquor and you down it almost immediately. Chatting up people at the bar didn’t seem like the right tactic and you once again found yourself changing your plans last second as you stood up to disappear into a crowd of dancing people. The club wasn’t fully packed and you were sure that tonight, you would be able to handle the people around you. You notice the way people move in waves, eyes closed as their bodies sway them side to side to the music which means bodies start bumping and pushing into you the deeper you go. As much as you’d love to give in and just relax for once, you look around to spot any man decent enough to try hitting on.  

Recently you have noticed a downfall in targets, downfall in successful deals and overall bad luck in business. You knew larger cities would have other workers of your field, but was it really that bad? People familiar with you named you bullet when you first started conning. You were quick, silent and lethal just like a bullet. But it seems as if your reputation was slowly going downhill as more and more nights left you empty handed or worse, beaten to a target by Wooyoung. You didn’t even notice when he had moved cities, started going to the same hunting places as you and now even stealing your targets right in front of you. 

Back where you started, everybody had their own place to perform business at, always resulting in getting at least one successful deal a month. But it seems the capitals have no rules. Whoever reaches first, keeps the target.

You lose track of time as the bass of the music travels through your body with a buzz, successfully throwing your concentration off course as you give in and sway to the enchanting music. Whatever happens tonight, you were not going to beat yourself up for not getting a deal, yet another week in a row. It feels good to not have to worry, but you have gotten way ahead of yourself as your eyes shoot up once a pair of arms wrap themselves around your torso from behind.

Suddenly, you are hyper aware of your body. The humid air in the club made it no easier to breathe, your chest rising dramatically to gasp for air as panic set in. You trash around and turn around in the embrace to face whoever had approached you from behind, eyes wide from the initial shock. You are met with a familiar face. The asshole from earlier stood in front of you with a cocky smile. Your hands fly up to push at his chest, yet to no avail. He had trapped you.

“Why so surprised, did you think I wouldn’t find you again?” He speaks over the music. His hands are locked behind you, pushing on your back to close the gap between your bodies as he practically glued your chests together.

“Let me go '' you yell over the music, heart beating harshly against your rib cage and you wonder whether you would start hyperventilating in a club full of strangers.

“You could at least dance with me” he answers and before you can reply, he moves to forcefully sway your bodies to the music and you can’t put your mind as to why he would go to such lengths to get you. The fact that he had so surely said your name earlier only fueled the anxiety brewing in the pit of your stomach. You try to take a good look at his face but the strobing lights were throwing you off your guard, making it harder to see the man and also remember to keep yourself from going into an anxiety attack.  

“I said, let-”

“-Let go off her” another voice cuts in from behind you, loud and clear. You don’t put much effort into identifying whoever was stepping in, just wondering how much longer you could keep breathing. Soon you feel lighter. You watch as the man’s arms swing back from your body as if somebody had forcefully pried them off.

You take a step back to free yourself from the proximity of the stranger but instead bump into another chest. You whip around, still in panic as the crowd around you seemed to quickly be closing in, every voice ringing in your ears. You catch a glimpse of blonde hair and as if on command, your body determines it safe for a time out. Your knees grow weak as your brain goes completely blank with bright white light blinding your vision.

“Fuck” Wooyoung mumbles, hooking his arms around your torso to keep you from hitting the ground completely.

“Fuck off” he barks at the man who watches with a blank face, nodding to himself before raising his arms up as if to indicate he was innocent as he disappeared into the crowd. With the man gone, Wooyoung's problems did not lessen. With determination, he squats down to wrap his arms around your upper thighs before lifting you off the ground and onto his shoulder. He makes sure to pull down on the elastic material of your dress, not wanting to expose you to the people around. Thankfully everybody seemed to be busy dancing or drinking, never looking twice in his direction as he carried you outside.

The line outside of the club had dissipated by now, it was way too late for people to keep entering. A queue of taxis were lined outside by the sidewalk, patiently waiting for customers to start rolling in but Wooyoung had other plans. He walks across the well-lit street filling up with people dancing and singing still as they come out of multiple packed clubs for fresh air.

Soon, he is at the parking lot he used whenever he took his own burgundy Mercedes to a night out. He unlocks the car and opens the passenger seat to set you down in it, making sure your body leaned against it comfortably before sighing. He catches his breath, allowing for questions to roll in. His most obvious one, why the hell had you passed out so suddenly? And who was the guy at the club trying to get to you? The question he refused to acknowledge though was why he had even gone up to help you in the first place. His mind convinces him he was merely being a decent human being, it’s the least he could do after snatching multiple deals right from under your nose.

The faded sounds of people shouting and music coming from the clubs is what slowly brought you back, eyes fluttering as the chilly wind grazes your exposed legs. It was silent now and the people from the club weren’t crowding you anymore. You catch the sight of a cream-colored car interior and suddenly realize you were not at the club anymore. Sitting up straight you immediately look around to get an understanding of your surroundings. The car door was open, so you were not being kidnapped. How did you get here?

“Geez, calm down, you’d think I was kidnapping you or something” Wooyoung snickers, seemingly having similar worries as you. He steps forward to reveal himself to you, unsure of  how you would react to his presence. Both of you weren’t really celebrating the fact that you had settled on working at the same club. Would you tell him off for what happened yesterday? And many other nights before that? For the first time in his life, he decided to keep his mouth shut.

You look up at him, somewhat surprised that out of all the people that could have helped you, it was him standing in front of you. Small recollections flow back to you and you manage to piece together that you were in Wooyoung’s car after you so gracefully collapsed in the middle of the dance floor at LUX. You clear your throat and stretch your legs out of his car, standing up to face him.

You open your mouth to say something but you realize you were not sure what smart comment to insert in such a situation. Wooyoung's eyes look at you blankly, and you wonder if he thinks he has successfully caught you in a weak moment. You couldn’t allow him to even think such thoughts.

“Thanks for the help” you say, but curse yourself as your voice comes out thin and light. “But you didn’t have to. Don’t you have new money to spend?” you sure sound like a jerk. But rather a jerk than letting Wooyoung think he was superior to you.

“You can never just admit I helped you and move on with a simple ‘thanks’, can you? Besides if it wasn’t for me, who knows what that asshole would have done. Who is he even?” Wooyoung is quick to defend himself, his chin lifting higher as each word comes out quicker than the other. You notice how easily heated he becomes when he speaks yet for some reason it stretches your lips upwards into a humored look, which you of course quickly hide.

“If I knew him, do you think I'd react the way I did?” you roll your eyes, hoping that if you ignored the first part of his sentence, he’d forget about it as well.

“Forget it, since you don’t want help, you’re welcome to go” Wooyoung raises his eyebrows, waiting for you to act.

“Fine, good night” You spit but as you whip around to storm off, your foot catches the edge of the sidewalk, sending you flying down onto the asphalt ground. You catch yourself on your palms, wincing as the rough ground scratches your knees and if it wasn’t for your boots, you are certain you would have torn your skin apart.

Wooyoung is surprised to see your body sprawl over the ground below him and steps closer to get a strong grip around your arm, pulling you up effortlessly.

“Ow that hurts!” you yelp at his grip, standing up only to feel shocks of pain shoot up through your left ankle and up your calf. You look down at the dirty material of your boots and wonder how long it would take before you settle down on the sidewalk and just let all your frustration out.

Wooyoung sighs dramatically and instead snakes an arm around your waist, holding you up as you lift your left ankle off the floor to stop the pain.

“I don’t need your help, good night Wooyoung” he mimics a high-pitched voice, face grimacing as he mocks your earlier words. You stay silent, clenching your jaw to keep you from saying something you’d feel guilty for later at night. Besides, you needed the help for real this time and he was the only one around.

“I can give you a drive home, but I expect you to at least thank me. Sincerely” he offers, holding your waist tightly. Wooyoung subconsciously moves you closer until your side is pressed against his and you are suddenly aware of his scent. You couldn’t make out each individual ingredient in his cologne, but your mind settles that it's a mix of bergamot and musk. It is surprisingly not too strong and you hate how well it suits him. You wonder if he would notice you moving closer to catch another whiff of it, but decide against it. Men like Wooyoung shouldn’t be complemented, their ego would get too big and you had enough of his already.

“So?” he speaks up, the hand on your waist giving you a small squeeze to remind you that he was awaiting an answer. You bite down on your tongue before your ego gets the best of you and just chirp out a dry “please”.

For some astronomical reason Wooyoung is not in his usual cocky mood, but you tell yourself not to get used to it. He simply nods and carefully helps you sit down in the leather passenger seat of his car again. Shivers erupt over your bare arms when Wooyoung removes his arm from around you, suddenly realizing how warm he had felt against your skin. You push the thoughts towards the back of your brain, not wanting to overthink the matter. You get comfortable and buckle your seatbelt, observing the details of his car as he shuts your door and moves to get in from the driver’s side.

As Wooyoung focuses on starting the car, you finally have time to look him over closer. His hair was dyed blonde, that you knew already. But what you had failed to acknowledge was the way it made his golden skin glow brighter, accentuating it in a way that you hadn’t noticed before. He wore a button down with cheetah print and you wondered how anybody his age could pull it off, yet he made it seem as if it was made solely for him. The first three buttons were unbuttoned and you couldn’t help but trail your eyes down the vein on his neck that disappeared into his prominent collarbone. You let your eyes glance just a little further down to sneak a peek of the smooth skin that was the beginning of his chest.  

“You done staring me down? I need your address” Wooyoung mused, never turning his head as his eyes focused on the road ahead. You catch the way his lips tug into a small smirk and you ball your fists in your lap to keep you from cursing at him. Of course you had been wrong to think he would be free of his cockiness.

“The Imperial Hotel” is all that leaves your mouth as you turn to look out the car window, refusing to catch yourself loosening up and trailing your eyes over places where they shouldn’t be.

“The Imperial Hotel?” Wooyoung repeats, tone low and and curious. “Are you really broke enough to stay at a hotel?” he asks but realizes his mistake right after the question came out in a way that he didn’t intend for it to. “I mean, don’t you have a place?”

You snort, eyebrows raised as you turn to look at him, arms crossing over your chest. Who was he to question you like this?

“I don’t have a place because I like the anonymity. I like moving around so I don’t need a place” you bark back, hating how you felt threatened by his attitude. Not that you would admit it. “Besides I don’t have to explain anything to you, just take me there.”

Wooyoung stops at a red light, using the opportunity to raise a questioning eyebrow as your eyes meet. His gaze is challenging.

“Take you there?” he repeats your words, each word coming out of his mouth as if you offended him.

“Please” you mumble.

“Much better” he drives off with a pleased grin. The next moments you find yourself in silence, to your surprise comfortable. You listen to the sound of the wheels moving against the asphalt at different speeds as Wooyoung drives. For a moment you feel a warm feeling of what could be dejavu in your chest, as if this has happened before. As if driving together like this was something you did often. Your eyes catch a bright red and yellow sign and you are suddenly reminded of Jisung.

“Wait!” you yell out suddenly, making Wooyoung slam on the breaks as he looks over at you with a concerned expression. His sharp brows are knitted together as he questions you.

“What? What happened?” he breathes, seemingly awaiting something much more serious than the question that comes out of your mouth.

“Could you um, go through the drive through?” you ask carefully, nodding to the fast-food sign right off the freeway.

“Do you realize you just made me slam on my breaks and potentially crash my new car just for Mcdonald’s?” he snaps, immediately checking the mirrors behind him for traffic which was empty seeing as the time was about to hit three am. He clicks his tongue but follows your request, turning to drive up to the restaurant.

“Don’t you have food at home?” he grumbles as you lean over his seat to get a glance at the menu screen outside his window. You support your hand on the center control between your seats, stretching as far as you could over him.

Wooyoung’s gaze shifts to your face in front of his, eyes narrow as they jump over your features and the way you concentrate on the menu. He hesitates but slowly brings a hand forward, warm fingers pushing back a rogue strand of hair behind your ear in order to clear your view. You are busy ordering Jisung his promised burger to notice, voice loud and clear as you speak to the employee over the microphone.

As soon as you’re done placing your order you turn your head to look at Wooyoung, it would be nice to ask if he wanted something since he was nice enough to drive here. It was the least you could do anyway.

You blink in surprise at how close your two faces are. Close enough to feel his shaky warm breath on your cheek. His eyes immediately fall to your parted lips as he swallows harshly. You take notice of this, your own eyes following his actions as you watch the tip of his tongue peek out to brush over his lower lip, wetting it. His lips glisten in the harsh lights situated outside the fast-food restaurant, illuminating the skin.

“D-did you want something too?” your voice is almost a whisper as you speak, slowly sinking back into your seat as if whatever just happened would go unnoticed. Wooyoung bites down on the inside of his cheek, shaking his head as an answer before he drives up to the window, seemingly unbothered. You press your back against the heated seat, wondering why your heart suddenly had picked up its speed. At this point in your career, you always found yourself around men, none of which made you nervous simply by existing so close to you. Wooyoung’s expression seemed sour, jaw clenching as if he was in deep thought.

A part of you wondered if this was a part of his game that he played with his targets. In which case you’d totally understand why he scored successful deals nine out of ten times. You weren’t sure if you wished for another moment like this or if it was that lone single shot of alcohol you had taken at LUX coming back to make you overthink, so you decide against thinking at all. You are tired, that was the true excuse.

The rest of the drive continues in silence. Yet somehow your earlier plans to overthink had betrayed you as your brain jumped at anything you could connect to Wooyoung. From how you first met, to how you had seen him work his targets, to right now.

“We’re here” Wooyoung announces, stopping by the entrance of the obviously fancy hotel. Even though it was late night, a doorman stood guard and you kind of felt bad for him. You unbuckle your belt and shift to move but sudden pain shoots through your ankle again.

“Fuck” you mumble and look up at Wooyoung who was silently watching you struggle.

“Don’t tell me I have to carry you inside too” he says, wondering why he even bothered helping you if it would have taken so much time. Yet never truly complaining because he honestly hadn’t minded it all that much.

“If it burdens you that much, I’ll just hop on one leg” you scoff, if he chose to help, he might as well go through with helping you all the way to your room. But the Mcdonald’s take-away bag suddenly reminds you that Jisung was in the room and there was no way Wooyoung could find out. “Help me to the elevator at least?” and as Wooyoung opens his mouth to cut you off, you add a silent “Please”.

Wooyoung sighs and gets out of the car as a way of agreeing. He walked around the front before opening the door for you. Shivers run down your spine when the cold air hits your legs but you choose to stay silent, knowing that if you would complain it would only turn into endless bickering between the two of you.

You place a foot on the ground, lifting your hurt ankle up and Wooyoung immediately leans closer to reach for you inside of the car. One of his arms sneak under your thighs while the other wraps around your back, lifting you up into his embrace with ease before shutting the car door with his foot. You stay silent as you let him carry you, eyes trailing back to the golden skin peeking out of his buttoned down shirt once again. Since when is a tiny piece of exposed skin something to be shy of? Your eyes trail further up, running along his neck and sharp jawline. You weren’t sure why you were so keen on disliking him, maybe it was in fact that he was too pretty and that he was aware of it.

Wooyoung sets you down by the elevator. It was as if any time you spent with him, whether it was in the car or him carrying you inside, was over in a few seconds and you felt somewhat disappointed as a weight settled in your lower abdomen. Even though you found yourself surrounded by men almost every weekend, there was none that you had sincerely liked. Then, do you like Wooyoung? Probably not. He simply caught you in a weak moment and that was all. You will probably not hear the end of his heroic actions next weeknd at LUX.

“Well... you’re welcome” Wooyoung teases, straightening up as he pushes the button to call on the elevator. The doors open immediately and you dread leaving him. Wait, dread was too strong of a word.

“Thanks” you reply, putting on a poker face to make sure he wouldn’t crack your ego any further. Wooyoung snorts lightly at your attempt at thanking him, but decides to accept it.

“Well then, see you next weekend, honey” he shrugs and turns to leave, raising his hand above his head to wave goodbye as he walks off. Dick, can’t even face me when he leaves, you think and stumble into the elevator, hissing as painful shocks shoot up your ankle.

“Don’t say it like that, people will think you are someone to me” you raise your voice, knowing he’d be able to hear it.

“And am I not, honey?” he glances over his shoulder but just then, the elevator doors separate you as they trap you into the tight compartment. You sigh, shaking your head to yourself.

The elevator was surrounded by mirrors and you catch yourself staring back at an expression of a teenage girl who had been out on a first date with her crush. Only as you look at yourself do you realize your cheeks had heated up and your lips were pulled up into a tiny smile.

You quickly furrow your brows again, trading the smile for your usual scowl to seem unaffected by anything, or anyone.

The elevator gives a metallic ding to indicate you arrived at your floor. The number 13 stands out in golden numbering, how ironic.

You assume Jisung is asleep because nobody greets you as you enter the hotel room. Throughout the year of living together, you’ve mastered the technique of going into rooms almost soundless. As if you're a mouse sneaking in to steal a piece of cheese. Finally you are away from any watching eyes. Finally you do not need to think about the way you act and what to say.

Your cellphone comes to life as it lights up the hotel room and you curse, hopping towards it on your only useful leg. Who is even awake at this time? Could it be…Wooyoung? No, you can’t expect him to even know your number. And even if he did, why would he text you?

You slide the message open and see an attachment. The number was unknown and you wondered if somebody had sent you a drunk text by accident. You open the image. It does not even take two seconds for you to register what it was. The number 13 stood out in gold and the background wall was a warm beige, just like the one on your floor if not the exact same one. You furrow your brows before a text bubble pops up.

“You got away too quick tonight, thank your little boyfriend for that. Next time, it’s over for you”

[neruro]

conveying feelings the color of chalk

✧˚ · . just how your writing carefully brought two characters of completely different fates together, you brought the chalk prince to your world of ornate feelings.

- characters: albedo x reader

– notes: fluff, writer/artist reader, fanboy albedo lol

It was a complete coincidence that Albedo stumbled upon your debut novel.

He made it a habit to go to Liyue every couple months to buy the novel Xingqiu had finally got published. Klee seemed interested in the pictures he worked on, but he had to admit that it was nice remembering the things they worked on whenever he went back to re-read them.

He managed to slip out of Monstadt without much repercussions to make the trip to Liyue Harbor. Based on Xingqiu's letters and the art he drew, this publication centered around the hero getting lost in a foreign land– forced to start again after failing his previous goal. At least, that was how he interpreted it.

His plan was to go straight to Liyue Harbor, purchase the book and go straight back home. But a certain novel laying alone on the counter caught his eye enough to slightly alter his plans.

The cover was a loose watercolor painting, though each stroke was placed so carefully, it told as many stories as half of the novels he read. He would buy it to study the artists' techniques, he decided. After all, it wasn't like he was short on mora.

"Ah, you're lucky you managed to get that." The shop owner – who he had learned was called Jifang – said. "The author was here a while ago to debut. That should be the last of the signed copies we have on hand."

"Is that so?" Albedo asked, examining the inside to sure enough, find a quickly written signature of the author's name on the first blank page. "Do you recommend it, then?"

"I haven't read it entirely yet." Jifang responded, counting his change and writing down notes on a clipboard. "But the art is certainly something I've barely seen in debut novels."

In the next few days, Ms. Jifang proved herself to be correct. The illustrations sprinkled into the pages felt freeing, yet was clear enough to bring life to the story woven together. Both the pictures and the word choice made it clear it was a story about romance. Normally, he would have little interest in a love story about two star-crossed lovers, but he couldn't help but turn the page. And then another... And another...

Before he knew it, he had finished the novel and was staring at the back cover of the book.

'Fascinating,' he thought to himself. 'this story completely captured my attention, despite the genre being out of my interest.'

... Yes, if something interested him, it was necessary to figure out why and how.

Alchemy, while it wasn't simple by any means, followed the same base stages in order to create something. His master taught him that clearly. The roundabout way the author explained human feelings simply left him breathless. The story wasn’t exactly about falling in love with another... But falling in love with another that represented the truest hopes and dreams: non-tangible things that were difficult, almost impossible to bring to the real world, even through alchemy.

The fact that he thought as long as he did about this novel made him think, he didn’t think anyone could really be a “genius,” by any means, but if he had to name someone close to it, then it had to be the creator of this particular story.

Albedo spoke the name of the novelist written on the cover with a fine calligraphy pen, his voice a whisper along the evening wind of Monstadt. On that night, the Chalk Prince couldn't recall when the last time he felt so much.

The months following his purchase, he overheard multiple criticisms about the story he found so beautiful. Over-complicating the simple, was the most prevalently brought up. He supposed it was the same case as Xingqiu's stories. He found the slightly stiff words fitting for the story and the nature of his friend. He was poised and chivalrous, just like the character he created and the theme he chose. He let his mind wander for a moment. What kind of person was his dearest novelist? What world did they live in? It would delight him to perform a face-to-face experiment.

And by some twist of fate, an opportunity arrives.

Posted on the Adventurer's Guild bulletin board: a very specific commission.

'If anyone is okay with telling me all their feelings honestly for my research, please come to see me right outside Mondstadt's inn. Willing to pay five thousand mora and will discuss more details then!'

And under it, written in a fine calligraphy pen, the same name he looked for every time he went back to the Wanwen Book House. The author he had to thank for how he understood being human.

Social interaction did require a lot of work, so he barely found the need to accept commissions that involved speaking to others, if any at all. But this was completely different. It was for research, a learning process for his future collaborations with Xingqiu.

... Yes, research purposes.

Now, he could say all he wanted that he didn't feel any sort of way when he saw you sitting on a seat outside the inn, painting a portrait with watercolors, but the slight catch of his breath was noticeable to anyone close enough to him to see whenever he strayed from his usually mysterious and composed image.

Your simple movements were captivating, every splash of paint on the canvas was even more impressive than the illustrations in your books. Your eyes when you finally spotted him staring, and your smile, goodness, what was he going to do with himself?

A lovesick fool, that's what he had become. His master would be incredibly disappointed in him if she ever found out, but he could surely run this experiment for a little longer...

"Albedo... Yes, Chief Editor has talked about your work." You said, twirling the paintbrush effortlessly in your hand. "The Kreideprinz, no? It's a pleasure to meet you in person."

"Ah, likewise. I'm quite intrigued your light novel. It's very impressive for a debut."

The pink that dusted your cheeks was coincidentally the same color of the paint you were holding. Seemingly realizing this, you turned away, wiping the paint off your hands and composing yourself before turning back to the alchemist.

"Thank you for that. Now, for my commission..." You grabbed a notepad. "I want to know about you. Tell me what happened today, or your worries, fears, plan for the future..."

"May I ask what this information will be used for?" Albedo asked, taking a seat in front of you.

"Ah– Yes, my apologies. I write my stories based off the feelings of others. I like to think I help them sort out their feelings." You explained. "Besides, their stories are far more fascinating than someone who stays indoors writing and drawing all day."

Interesting. So his dear novelist's stories were from the minds of someone else? The discovery made him quite curious; what kind of feelings did you hold that you deemed not fascinating enough to be included in your own novel? He had to stop his thoughts soon before he thought of inviting you to his workshop. In truth, you were far too enticing. He did miss turning the unknown into the known.

But for now, he answered your inquiry.

"About me? Well... You have completely captured my attention, dear novelist. And I would be more than happy to tell you why and how."