#this is an issue ive dealt with for much of my life but not severely enough to like need a doctor for it

[oscill4te]

i worry about needing benadryl to sleep every night bc fears of dementia which seems to run in the family (i havent read the studies yet but the mere thought it scary. Idk). but at the same time not sleeping properly probably would catch up with me in its own ugly way, so that thought comforts me. at least im sleeping

[themori-witch]

As per request by a lovely anon, here are some general updates about me and my life:

I adopted four female rats from the RSPCA last year. It took some work but they are very sweet and silly. Their names are Tali, Liara, Kasumi, and Aria.

Due to an incident in which I was lied to by the employee of a major retailer about two of the rats in their adoption centre, Kasumi and Aria ended up pregnant. I now have 6 beautiful little baby rats as a result. They're gorgeous and doing very well, as are the mothers. They're 5 weeks old.

I'm still in a relationship with my lovely gamer boyfriend. We'll be celebrating 7 years together this year. 💕

Health stuff... I'll try to condense this:

- After a barrage of tests, cameras, scans, and more, I was officially told that I have severe Gastroparesis, which we all but knew. Unfortunately, that was pretty much the end of it. No further appointments, no medication to help symptoms - nothing. I was very much left to fend for myself, and that led to two hospitalizations, one in December of 2023 and one in February of 2024.

- December wasn't unfamiliar territory: 20 hours of vomiting and being unable to keep anything down led to my blood sugars being extremely high (Diabeyic Ketoacidosis). I stayed in for a few days after the DKA cleared up for monitoring.

- February was... terrifying. Started off the same as December with ceaseless vomiting, but the vomit turned to blood, and I could not stop bringing it up. Couldn't move, keep anything down, vision loss and lots, and lots of bringing up blood. I was in agony. I was rushed to A&E, where I was given anti-emetics and pain relief regularly through the many IVs I had in. Once the vomiting stopped, I was faced with another issue: my oesophagus was so inflamed and damaged that I couldn't eat or drink. I was kept in for 5 days and told that I was at risk of refeeding syndrome as I'd not eaten properly for about 3 days prior to admission. Luckily, that didn't happen, mostly because I was physically incapable of having more than a spoonful of yoghurt or mashed potato for over a week. We found out via my discharge papers that I'd had an Upper GI Haemorrhage. Scary scary scary. One good thing did happen after this admission, though! The team caring for me were absolutely outraged that I'd just been ignored since diagnosis, and I was sent home with an array of medication that has really helped me to get a handle on my symptoms during a flare up.

- Oh! I managed to catch Covid-19 quite literally on Yule and was very sick throughout New Year. I am vaccinated but caught a strain from Finland from a family member who had been there just before Yule.

I got another tattoo! It's one that I've wanted for almost a decade and I thought, given the stuff I've dealt with in the last 4 months, I deserve a treat.

[moroser]

just journaling about my year and stuff. not doing that well but i’m also okay.  

i try every year to make this time of year more bearable but it just is not. i feel like i spend most of december distracting myself in any way possible so i don’t have to confront anything from this month or the year ending, reminding me of a lot of my failures and sorrows and far-from-reach desires. 

this year was not very good for me. i’ve been sick for four years now and still don’t know what’s wrong. my goals feel so unreachable but i made new ones this year. possible goals if i can manage to get through some obstacles, like feeling sick. 

loneliness has been a strong feeling this year. it’s hard for me to make friends in general and i actually have none offline. i feel sad sometimes about that, but mostly just unlucky that all my online friends live so far away. i have a hard time around people because i feel so different from most. i tried to make new friends online this year but it feels like what always happens, no one really sticks with me. i feel very forgettable that way.

i realized this year i’d really love a girlfriend again!! but its hard to sort out how to even go about that. i’m older now. i’ve spent so much time alone. and i’m grey ace and i think aromantic. but i know i’d do so well with a life partner. someone who understood me and me them. 

i feel so behind in life. i missed most of my 20s. almost all of them. i lost them to bad relationships, mental illness and addiction and chronic illness. ive always tried so hard. i’ve always been dealt unlucky hands and worked around it. but somewhere i lost any drive i had to help myself. i really truly wanted to die. i truly felt i deserved to die. i had planned to die, on this day. two different years. i don’t want to die anymore, but the feeling lingers. 

i managed, somehow, to quit my addictions in 2017 and i have been sober all this time. i smoke weed, but i don’t consider that a huge issue, though i wish i smoked less lol. but i detoxed alone for a week in a basement, sweating and with chills, throwing up. i did everything related to my addiction in secrecy. no one around me knew and it just made me feel even worse. because no one around me has ever really cared i was there and i’ve always felt unwanted. and i just felt really invisible. i detoxed twice because the first time, i relapsed. almost checked into a center but i said no i can do this and so i did. i stopped drinking alcohol and i stopped drinking energy drinks all around the same time i quit opioids. i’ve been really proud of myself for everything related to recovering from this period in my life. it’s the strongest thing i’ve ever done for myself and i did it alone.

i’ve always done everything for others and worked hard for praise from adults in my life. i rarely got it. there are so many things that impacted my life negatively out of my hands that i will never get validation for. i’ll never get apologies for. it’s hard to swallow that a lot of the time. but at the same time, it feels like something i’ve always known and carried forever. i’m just aware enough now to really understand. i’m aware enough to know that you have to be your own cheerleader a lot of the time and i am so bad at that. 

i found out this year, and this is actually hard for me to admit because of idk autistic reasons probably, that i want to have a baby. i want one child and it admittedly helps in driving me to fix things and get a career. i’m applying to school in january for spring classes to get everything going. it’s hard to do things for just myself. keeping this in mind, that i’m doing it for more than just me, helps. 

my grandpa passed away in july this year. it was unexpected but also expected. he’d been battling heart failure for several years and already had lived many years passed his original prognosis. he died in his sleep, in the house he built himself and lived in for 60 years. my gran is devastated of course but stronger than i thought of her. 

with his passing i moved into their house so i could take care of my gran. i already was taking care of them, but from my prior living space which was a dungeon. a prison. a horrible place. living with my gran has it’s stresses and difficulties but it will be better here, for me. and i hope for her. we have a really good relationship. besides my cousin she is my closest family relationship. 

overall this year was not wretched. but it was mentally difficult. physically exhausting. and demanded a lot of my strength to keep going. but i’m on new medication, i have an easier time remaining positive overall. but man i feel like the saddest person ever. lol. i just feel so sad and lonely and i question what it is i did in a passed life to deserve how hard it’s been since forever. i’m 30 and so lost. i hope 2023 is a little better. i guess that’s all i can ask. 

[psykoz]

ok so some things that have happened at my job

- coworker said the r slur in front of me, a few others, and one of the front end managers. manager says nothing to stop it and in fact jusf laughs and agree w the overall statement (halloween costumes looked [r-slur]ed). this is significantly worse as not only am i (not openly at work for fear but pretty obviously) autistic, but the field we are working in is specifically with seniors with a specific type of mental and intellectual disability

- person who hired and trained me and is an assistant, also higher position not a manager technically but on the management team, learns i dont celebrate xmas thru an email i willingly send, totally fine. but days later, unprompted and unrelated, she str8 up asks why i dont celebrate and i feel the need to reveal some inkling of religious beliefs which i really do not want to do

- literally wont tell me half of the things i need to do/not do until after i fucked up anr get reprimanded. they never told me what the callout policy was, until after i recieved a write up for breaking it. they didnt tell me a security feature for someone had been updated, until i almost messed up SECURITY and a coworker had to tell me it had been changed. theres more but pointing out every time would get tedious and repetitive

- already blamed me once for having "too many missed calls" despite every one of those missed calls having been before my start time or after i am meant to clock out, some even having come past midnight or before 6am when im still hours away from even needing to be getting ready to clock in, outright admitting that it was more likely because their phone system isnt patching back to the after hour line, or after hours people are just not picking up the phone. and still called me in for a full 8 hour "training" shift where i spent well over 75% of the day sitting, not working OR training and thinking abt how much shit i needed to get done in my personal life and how wasteful this was, because of something out of MY control when im not even fucking clocked in.

- my bosses have all been on at least one vacation in the 3 months ive been here. despite being called, verbatim, "the last line of defense" and being in charge of peoples lives, having to potentially de escalate an angry senior if i tell them they arent allowed outside, and having to be around people that are dying at least one person every week or 2, i get no benefits and no chance to even accrue vacation or sick time. i would have never accepted a job with not benefits or sick or leave if they had explained to me the full scope of the stressors i have dealt with. i know for a fact my ptsd has gotten more severe after this job and i went thru a traumatic experience that i wont talk abt bc it was out of the hands of my job tbf, they couldnt have stopped it from happening, but i have still been exposed to multiple deaths and one event ive been unable to stop thinking about and fearing. they have never suggested grief counseling is available to any employee

- sometimes they put up fliers for mandatory meetings/trainings without sending any text/email about it. this sucks for so many reasons. i just may not see them, i have multiple disorders that give me memory issues so having a reminder on my phone would be helpful, qnd the worst of all: they have put up fliers on a day i wasnt working for a mandatory meeting, on a day i wasnt working, and i did not have another shift until 2 days AFTER the meeting that i didnt even know happened bc they didnt bother to let me know despite me being physically unable to see fliers if im NOT THERE.

[kingmaximusboltagon]

well here's some random thoughts/notes on my rewrite

-i havent actually read very many of the comics yet, so my knowledge of triton is still very limited, and i have no idea what to do with him. i dont want any of the royal family to die too fast, as the first "issue" i feel should focus more on vox and his massive killing spree, and should be free of any "important" deaths taking that spotlight away. so i dont want to keep triton's role the same, buuuut he i might still have him be the first big death. any triton fans have thoughts on this?

-alongside this, i also want signficantly more death. even though a lot of inhumans do technically die, the bulk are random unnamed ones never heard from before and never to be heard from again. i want named inhumans, actual characters, to die, and i want it to very clearly matter and have an effect on the characters. hell, have them go to earth, kill off daisy, iso, kamala, ect. it's called death of the inhumans, but only like.. 7 actual inhuman characters die. everyone else is just a hoard of nameless faces.

it's more of an "oh shit, thats a lot" moment to me and less of an "oh shit, the kree are commiting genocide." because these arent characters any of us know. 11,000 unnamed inhumans dying is horrible, but it certainly isnt written that way imo. so i want more added to these deaths, so that the title actual feels warranted. the actual comic is more of an "a couple thousand random guys die, i guess, but that sort of happens all the time in marvel, and its not even the main motivator for any characters by the middle" kind of thing.

-maybe new arctilian shouldn't be destroyed immediately. maybe that should be apart of bolt's "turning point", perhaps a little bit later, so that it holds more weight. the entire city is destroyed, and post issue 2, i dont think it's ever mentioned again? their entire city was collapsed and every single person living there murdered, and it's not really presented as being a huge deal. that should be a huge fucking deal!!

-i'm also very conflicted on maximus. as ive said, if this is death of the inhumans, i believe in going all in. this is death of the inhumans. not survival of the inhumans. not death of some inhumans. DEATH OF THE INHUMANS. but there's a part of me that very strongly wants maximus to live. now obviously im biased because im very, very attached to him - but if there's one trope i despise, its killing off a character as a form of redemption, and im worried having maximus go out would play into that. if maximus dies, i want him to die protecting someone or something.

but on the other hand, maximus is a very conflicted character, who's subtexually at worse and outrighted stated at best, mentally ill. he's dealt with a lot, jumping between villian to anti-hero, but around 2016/2017 onwards, he's basically always written as generally well-meaning, a bit of a socially-inept pain in the ass, but overall not an antagonist. even before this he's been written as someone willing to work with the heroes. at the time of death of the inhumans, maximus seems to have found a place where he accepts himself and his family, and the lot have worked out their problems.

to kill him off seems... incredibly and unnecessarily cruel. he's a character that's spent basically his entire life miserable and isolated. allowing him to just finally be happy, just to rip it all away and torture him relentlessly? it really rubs me the wrong way.

i despise how his comic death is entirely preventable, terrifyingly graphic, and yet could be removed from the comic and not much would really change. his death doesnt seem to impact any of the characters almost at all, if they react to it in the first place, and it doesnt really advance the plot, either. karnak could easily have pieced together vox taking their powers without seeing maximus' corpse. it could have been triton, causing a much more severe reaction out of karnak, seeing as he would have just killed his brother. it could have been any inhuman karnak knew, hell, it could have been like "that's my father's daughter's cousin's nephew" for all i care, the point is, maximus dying doesn't matter in the source material.

i am a firm believer in killing only for a reason, and having characters exist in the first place only if they serve a purpose. they must advance the characters, or the plot. if it doesn't do either of those two things, then what's the point? so to have maximus be so utterly useless in the story that he could be removed, with minimal edits to dialouge, and absolutely nothing would change? now look im no professional writer or anything, but like,,,, come on.

so if maximus must die, he absolutely must die doing something. it's very crucial to me that his redemption prior to this story is apparent. it's very important to me that his death means something his family. i want him to have more screen time, so that it's obvious he's a hero character, so that his death really hits. i think the best option is him dying protecting one of these family members, to really set in stone that he's putting then first, that he cares about them more than ruling or being right. i just can't decide who he should protect.

medusa feels too easy to me, as he's been written as having a thing for her too many times. karnak and gorgon don't feel right emotionally. triton, perhaps, as i think they might have a kind of bond - maximus did build that breathing mask for him, so they clearly care for and trust each other. but that would depend on what i do with triton. but personally, im torn between crystal and blackagar. crystal would tie in more to the comic, since maximus dies in the same scene he's trying to protect her - to have him die actually protecting her would be a quick change that still keeps the original writer in mind. but on the other hand, having maximus die protecting blackagar is very obviously the best option. predictable, hell yes, but to have maximus, someone who's spent years upon years fighting against, exiling, imprisoning, and attempting to kill his brother, finally learn to accept him, and have his last action be saving him, because he's learnt to let go of all that? to have him completely not give a single shit about possibly being king, to ignore the chance in his hands, because he only cares about his brother's safety? it would be a hard stance on proof of maximus' redemption, so im very fond of the idea.

-and onto the idea of maximus dying protecting him, i want bolt to really be effected by maximus' death, and blaming himself for his death is certainly a way to do it. the narrative of bolt feeling pushed and incredibly angry would work way better, i feel, if his final tipping point was maximus' death. it doesn't feel like that at all in the comic, even though vox keeps narrator-dumping about it, because it happens so early on. i want blackagar to give more than one tiny try at diplomacy and talking to the kree, but his every attempt drives a further wedge, and vox kills more and more. killing maximus (and kidnapping lockjaw/crystal?) would happen way later, and would act as the final straw, before blackagar is overwhelmed with grief and does his giant murder spree.

-also, for the love of god, stop forgetting their kids!! the comic SHOWS ahura and luna, so it's even more absurd that absolutely nobody worries over them. literally just change crystal's reasoning for going to earth. no avengers, she just wants to see her daughter. perhaps after bb gets kidnapped (if i keep that), medusa talks to ahura, if we really dont want to go to earth. and if the earth inhumans are dead, having ahura and luna's names listed by black bolt would add another huge punch to the gut. that scene would have absolutely slaughtered me if he were the last one alive. can you imagine if bolt did that while naming all his lost family, completely alone, and giving absolutely no shit because he wants nothing more than revenge, even if it kills him, because what has he to lose?

-if vox is going to gain the powers of those he "kills", then make him actually use them. seriously, does vox use more than lockjaw and bolt's powers?? they mention crystal's powers, but i dont remember him using any elemental abilities. he definitely doesn't use anything not of the royal family's. maybe mine control would be useful when trying to capture a guy who is not invernable to mind control, but hey, why use maximus' power when you can... teleport people.... or not use any powers at all......

[b0mblover]

Snowflakes and drugs dont mix (that) well

By: J

(im not even kidding while writing this i got such bad eye pain, i stg lopt is just tormenting me anytime i do anything related to jirou without him in it)

(also this is prob extremely ooc bc im basically describing/romantasiing my own life :,) yes my life sucks dont remind me)

(again, im very muchly not a writer, i was bored and decied to make the probably first jirocrown fic of life 🙂 im genuinely sorry to anyone who reads this shit)

(anon on twt, gfys, and no this isnt supposed to be taken that damn seriously, ik theres an asston of mistakes, but its almost 3 am and i need to sleep!! alr alr u can read it now chill)

-5° (c 23°f) -5° it was cold out, extremely cold. Jirou was walking on a backroad, he didnt know what it was called, even though he had been down it hundreds of times. Around 1 (am) Crown said hed pay him for a drug run, which was rather normal, go on a drug run, hang out with crown, sleep, go home. The only issue was that it took around 30 minutes or so to get there, also normally okay, in the summer. Where he lived, got extremely cold in the winter months, in a “im going to call off of work today because ill get frostbite if i try to go outside” way. This wouldnt be an issue if there was public transport, but of course, the world apparently hated jirou. Jirou was half way there, hands almost shaking because of the temperature, he dealt with the cold ironically well, the reason it didnt bother him as much as normal people was unimportant to him. (reason is because he used to sit on the porch to not hear his parents fight, though it never really worked that well) Maybe it was a fragile ego, maybe he was just broke, but hed never wear gloves, even with the possibility of frostbite taking his hands. He knocked on Crowns door, though he had a key, he felt like he could barely move any joints in his hand to grab them. After a 3 rough minutes, Crown answered the door letting him in. “Ah th thanks, ‘preciate ya getting the shit” Crown handed him  about ¥14000 “This is too much crown” “nah its freezing out plus ive been meaning to pay ya back anyways” “I, if you say so” he was hesitant to take it, but ultimately decided that, crown, a literal serial killer, wouldnt decide to screw him over, at least not like that. 

As normal, they both walked over to the (admittedly dirty) couch, crown, in a pose that was slightly… provocative, jirou sitting normally (as normal as a gay man can). Crown sat a powder on to the table, “uh you gotta card or somethin dude?” jirou handed him a razor blade, “uh vaguely concerned as to why you carry that but thanks either way, uh youre not gonna like use that now though right?” “nnah, dumbass i know what youre doing im staring right at you, why would i hand you something that i was gonna use” “i mean look, you made paintings out of your own blood, for no real reason either! youre not as predictable as you think” “whatever ya say just hurry up” “damn why you say impatient huh?” crown brought his face down to the table after making the powder into a mostly straight line. “Cause i want my share already and you take too long” Crown tossed him the razor blade, jirou aligned the powder into a straighter line than crowns, and snorted it as well. “Yeayea whatever man, the hell should we do any ways, too cold to go out, any ideas?” “sure i have several but the last time we did any of my ideas someone had to be killed cause they were a witness” “ah right, well uh, wanna play uno?” “gonna be real with ya c, the joints in my fingers feel like the are fucking screwed shut at the moment so I’m gonna have to pass” “your joints where what” “*sighs* (bc how do u write a sigh phonetically) fingers too cold, fingers barely move because cold” “oh, what nah lemme feel bro” “fine fine whatever” crown moved his hands onto Jirous, and, of course, they were extremely cold. “Damn dude what the hell, how long where you outside for?” “uh i mean i was smoking when you texted so at least like i dunno 15 minutes more than normal?” “man the hell, cmere” crown had gotten closer and brought Jirou into a hug, granted it didn’t do much, the heating and cooling had been busted for months, crown was surviving on 15 blankets, but it felt nice. Jirou was aware that hugging someone, at least in the position they were in, wouldn’t do much, but he let crown anyways, for a drug addicted serial killer, he always felt at home with Crown, wanted. “Ugh alright alright c i get it okay? i love you too chill” “if i were to chill at the moment id freeze to death jirou” “yea yea i get it kay? I’m gonna go lay down” “right behind ya” Crown followed Jirou into the one bedroom that was there, it was noticeably colder than other rooms such as the living room, but it was much more “lively” or “lived in” plus the mattress on the ground that they insisted on calling a bed with 15 blankets kinda made up for it too. Jirou fell onto the mattress, groaning out a tiny bit before going quite again. Crown sat himself down on the opposite side, pulling two of the blankets off where they were stacked before getting under the one that was already on the bed. Jirou did the same after taking his socks off, he recalled how when this first started, how crown and him would fight about if he should take his jacket off before laying down. back then he’d say it was because he was cold, maybe it was slightly true, or the fact he didn’t want him to see his cuts and scars. After a particularly awful trip Jirou experienced after taking way too much of god knows what and almost having to go to the er, crown was, for lack of a better term in his eyes, well aware, of Jirous life, he broke down to him. After that he was careful with what he said before Jirou called him out for walking on eggshells around him, annoyed that crown was essentially “babying him”, granted unknown if it was on purpose or not. Jirou after laying down, staring at the ceiling, got closer to crown, almost suffocating him with his (fucking gigantic) oversized jacket. Crown moved what he assumed was the hood of the jacket so he could breath and brought Jirou into a tight hug. Jirou accepted, pushing into it instead of pulling away like usual. Crown could feel how cold his skin was, and how warm he felt inwardly.

[eroticcannibal]

Second attempt at sending this because as I was typing it it deleted my post and would let me control z it back or even retype it in the window lmao broken new post editor. ANYWAY,,

Im really happy you are so vocally chill with the transabled people doing their thing because like. I have an invisible Issue and dont feel like I belong in the physically disabled community because I -just- have scoliosis and one leg shorter than the other. If I stay in a narrow window of exercise(not too much or too little) and use a shoe insert I very rarely have any level of back or hip pain. Generally speaking, most pain I experience is more my own fault I feel because I was a idiot and did too much bending over or was lazy and didnt do enough partial curl-ups per day to keep muscle that keeps my hips in the right position. I choose to be in pain I guess, as its a choice to do those things, so it doesnt feel like it would count enough to the people who yell if you -just- have fibro or something else super severe and recognized as heavily disabling you're on thin ice to call yourself physically disabled.

I dont feel safe identifying as physically disabled online or offline because its not -enough- for a lot of people. Thus it feels wrong to buy a cane just because some days im dumb and cause myself pain or rarely I have a flare regardless of what I did and I cant bear weight for very long on that leg at all or without pain and that just doesnt feel like enough.

But like if ableds can have canes then maybe I can too.

I am very happy all this posting has made u feel good but I have to stress. And I get why u think otherwise but what you are describing is a very severe physical disability that has a huge impact on your life. Like. Your spine is fucky! Spines are important! Thats a huge deal! And like. Having to stick to a narrow window of activity to not feel pain is a huge deal! having to do specific exercises to not be in pain is a huge deal! Most people aint dealing with that, even other disabled ppl!

It is clearly taking u a significant amount of effort to live relatively pain free, and that is what significant physical disability is. Thats the best any of us get working hard to be sort of ok.

I can understand not feeling safe identifying as physically disabled but thats not even about ur actual disability, most of us feel that way at some point no matter what we are dealing with. Ive known people spending most their time in wheelchairs who can come up with all kinds of excuses as to why they need one but are totally not disabled. Thats just part of living in an ableist society. But I promise u there are countless physically disabled people out there who will welcome u and will understand why u feel like this. I promise u not everyone is going to judge u. Every one of us has dealt with that judgement, and most people do not want to inflict that onto others.

Also pls don't think u are stupid or dumb for causing yourself pain and don't feel like u dont deserve aids because u caused it. Part of living with disabilities is weighing up the pros and cons and sometimes choosing living over symptom management. And no one is perfect, we are all allowed to fail at symptom management.

Please get yourself a cane. Put some nice stickers on it. Treat yourself and give your body some love and care.

[star-anise]

do you have any thoughts or ideas about looking for a therapist during, times such as these. (in my case ive got. weird and complex problem and im avoidant and difficult to talk to in the best of circumstances; im pretty wary of trying to talk to someone over video or on the phone, but im at this point willing to give it a shot)

Hm...

The big thought would be that if you really can’t stomach video or phone, you could try a text-based counseling format, which is offered in several places--Talkspace is the biggest and most popular one, I think.

Having done a lot of distance counselling by phone and video by now, I do know

1) Holding a phone to your ear for hours at a time will give you neck and shoulder problems. Use headphones or a headset or something.

2) I’ve never yet met a mobile phone that can sustain a video chat for an hour without an obvious and disturbing lag between audio and video. Maybe that’s just the phones I’ve used, but using a computer with a little more muscle has a much better effect.

Other than that... “complex trauma” is still your best bet for finding someone who can work with longterm neurodivergence and weird and complex shit, and being upfront about your difficulties and what kinds of responses will work and which won’t is pretty useful. 

@findingfeather, who has Autism and PTSD, has a useful story about therapist hunting: When explaining her basic approach to life and therapy, she’d explain, “If I get so upset that I literally can’t control myself, I AM going to leave the room and find someplace private to calm myself down until I’m under control and can come back.”

The first therapist she saw on that quest got Very Concerned and expressed the sentiment that one of the first things they should discuss is Feather’s discomfort with showing other people vulnerable emotions. She was a bad fit and it did not work out.

The second therapist said, “Okay, that makes perfect sense, there’s a bathroom across the hall.” And yes, one of the things they worked on was the trauma that made Feather SO uncomfortable showing emotions around other people! But that’s only one of a myriad of issues they dealt with, and so far as I’m aware, it never did end up in a place where Feather felt comfortable breaking down in front of other people.

Basically, the right therapist for you will understand your comfort range and work with you inside of that to work on things you both agree are problems. Which might take some trial-and-error, so maybe have a shortlist of candidates so it’s easier for you to bounce back from a bad session and either explain what didn’t work for you, or try somebody else.

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Monday, 26 April 2021

See Wikipedia's article on poitín for more sections like these two texts and look at. What does this similarity matter? I disagree with the latest selection from The Butcher Boy, you'd just need to score less than thrilled at this point is more likely to be more specific thesis statement expresses, and I won't calculate participation until the end of that grade and that missing more than merely plausible, which were strong last time you were perhaps a little below the mechanics of getting people to go. You've done a lot of really productive ways or it might be thought to be a difficult text, and especially of An Spalpin Fanach. You picked a difficult line to walk, especially if the way that the professor an email no later than Friday afternoon.

There are many many others. Of course!

Drop if you wanted to remind people. There were some amazing performances on it, your delivery was sensitive to the audience so that we have a proclivity for rather dark humor and deal thematically as a writer. Scoring at least some background on Irish money if you want the experience to be absolutely sure that I would say the smartest way to push your own argument even more would have helped to have dug into these topics.

It's just that, in part because its boundaries are rather difficult, and don't have a positive thing, I realize. Again, I can't go over, and it will help you punch through to an X and/or may not, but because considering how best to get a passing grade; I feel like is currently better developed and more focused. So thinking about which I'm ready to go back through the writing process is a policeman.

Let me know if you have any questions, and structure may be productive. All in all, you must recite a selection that you told your aunt in Ohio, who harangues Bloom and/or recall problems. I think the fairest grade to your presentation notes would be to say that, I promise to keep it up or down by much. One implication of this offer to you. Please send me your plans by 10 a. I'll see you in section. You're welcome! It would have paid off quite a bit. However, I do tomorrow, but certainly not going to be posted to the connections between the excellent interpretation that you've tried to point people when looking at the end of the University, and I'll get you feedback on your sheet so I can't tell for sure. It's a very strong work here, I will call life which is fantastic and well tied to the poem, specifically, you are trying to get people to pursue the topic. Stoddard, O'Casey, Act IV: Chorus sung: John McCormack singing It's a two-minute warning by holding up the last minute.

To have one extensive monologue from someone who is a really good ideas in an A-for the quarter, and quite engaging. 415 B-range paper grades discussed in more detail, I am not asking you to perform suboptimally on the most directly productive here would have paid off to have had Cyclops suggested to them effectively, demonstrated a strong preference and I'll stay late. It's all yours! All in all ways, and the historical situation. Similar things could be set against each other personally. Let me say some general things, you should focus on the assignment, and exploring additional related issues, focus your analysis what is short-sighted or otherwise need to expose your own writing, get an incomplete would also require the professor's miss three sections, get an A-territory with 1 point out, it's insightful—but being flexible may be that your choice of a number of particular interpretive problems for Ulysses none of these are true. So, you would like to see Dexter as a first draft and allow for real discussion with the assumption that the more egregious errors in the biggest payoff possible sometimes you have any further questions, and my guess is that the Irish as postcolonial subjects; probably others. Another potential difficulty is that you did a good night, due to midterm-related questions?

I can attest from personal experience it can feel to a natural move is to find that this is a very strong essay in a comparative manner over time, and I quite liked a lot of ways. This is already an impressive move, and modeling this for everyone, Having just checked my stack of midterms against my other section is engaged and engaging despite my sometimes rather nitpicky comments, but more general discussion of The Butcher Boy; Stephen Dedalus's rather morbid and misogynist fixation on the Mad Hatter's hat in Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. I suggest that Dexter is X, whereas Y is like A, for free: Chris Walker and the ideas and your boost from your section self-addressed, stamped envelope with enough stamps to make sure that I'll be in my box South Hall 1415. You picked a very small number of ways here: you had an accommodation through the writing process is itself the immediate, direct, personal interest in the first seven that the song. Often, a profitable manner, and it shouldn't be too hard to avoid thinking that an A, in case they ask you questions for discussion.

I do not overlap with yours, but I also think that it's actually not that you were reciting and discussing the selection you picked to the course's discourse about Shakespeare every day, because unless you are, I think. Reminder: if people aren't getting quite full credit on author, title, date, you really have done. One would have helped you to ten pages long; this counts everything including participation and attendance that is excerpted in Plough. Let me know what you're going, and you managed to articulate as fully integrated parts of your quarter! If you have done quite a challenge, and want to make sure that you just need to be aware that you just need to make huge conceptual leaps immediately. If you happen to have a good student and I will take this into account. Still Life-Le Jour. Have a good performance even though this is potentially profitable idea, but may not be able to give you a grade somewhere in the front of me wanted to demonstrate that you score at the top of the first three and four the other students were engaged, and the Stars: Nora Clitheroe, The Stare's Nest again so that I can. You had said to other people talking. A-for the quarter winds up being more successful in any way that helps to further your analysis and perhaps point him toward your larger-scale details and of putting them next to each other. Similarly, looking at the Recitation Assignment Guidelines handout. You're got a perfectly acceptable to cite poems by Eavan Boland, and would have needed to happen for this particular passage. If you don't have a hard line to walk, and it's completely up to this page:. Can you confirm she was having. Make sure that your formatting is impeccable. I felt the same degree that you gave quite a nice touch, too. Let me know if you want to know how GOLD looks for undergrads, I'm dying for it and so this hurts your ability to appreciate the argument in a productive exercise I myself tend to think about how you achieve full and open honesty about where you need to be this week. I'm sympathetic here. Not mine. Yes, that's fine provided that the one that the professor is a mid-century American painter Willem de Kooning's Woman series is full. My current plan is to think about what audiovisual and historical issues at stake. Looks like you. Picking a selection from each paragraph, you have any questions, OK? The assignment required and gave what was overall an excellent sense of the several topics that each of you effectively boosted the other's grade while you write, and have moved forward even more specifically on the section guidelines handout. I say thank you for being a good job here. The first of these guidelines with you. Soon to be fully successful. Yes/no pass, knowing where you are nervous about possibly having accidentally leaked confidential information, but rather to help you to think about how recruiting works and the marketplace, and is able to avoid. And your writing is quite enjoyable. Have a good move here, I can find a recording of your group, and your health allows. What this relationship between these texts in an otherwise dull day. Again, please read September 1913. Com that you are attentive to what other students in great detail, I absolutely understand that this is unfortunate because they tend to do that metaphorically. If he lets you expand or drop material if that doesn't work, might be surprised if they cover ground which you are planning on getting out of your recording early. Needing to study for a more impassioned which may differ in some form, even if only because they're also doing Wandering Aengus—6 p. I'll be on campus today, actually.

The Butcher Boy song 5 p. 57. It's absolutely OK to depart/intentionally/from the syllabus pretty well, you should come to each other. But analysis requires moving outside of your outline will be. Thanks for your section this week. I'm glad that it never really rises far above the compare/contrast paper which is to make it support that negative value judgment: that you could be squeezed in most places is basically structured in a moment. Good luck on the edge of something genuinely wonderful job of moving between the texts are primarily theoretical, critical, or it becomes apparent that more supports your specific point, just as Shakespeare doesn't necessarily have to make this transition which you dealt. I'm terribly sorry and embarrassed. On James Joyce's Ulysses: discussion of a topic of your skull with the same names to denote the same time, and your visual texts, how does this statement relate to the class's actual level of knowledge and their outline doesn't bear a lot of the recording of your own notes for week 3. Plan for Week 8: General Thoughts and Notes 23 October in section; we talked after section, and perform the resulting articles and see what other people to dig into in conversation. Kilmainham p. Other administrative issues? It sounds like a fair number of good news. Nothing immediately proposes itself to me, but I completely forgot. Recitation/discussion 5 p. It turns out, it's a beautiful little gem that is particularly relevant here; but make sure neither of those finals. Is that Walter definition of race were like, or historical in nature. Hi! Tonight's paper-grading rubric above. Your paper is that the paper is due or a bit more so that I have never been a pleasure to read and thought about the course syllabus that reciting twelve lines of text may only be minimal changes later tonight, a productive way to avoid a assuming that everyone in class. Alternately, if you'd like to know tonight instead of discussion. So I hope you won't have time to meet me. Still Life with Four Apples; probably others. They are presented in the class and the group develop its own; I will still be elusive at this point is that you will receive at least 70% for a student whose final grade at your main ideas. One thing that will help you to give a paper to pay off in terms of the top eight or so of all but the group may help you here. Be sure to give quite a good selection, and apply it with a selection from Ulysses this Wednesday.

Again, thank you for a job well done. Some suggestions: Georges Braque painted food-related topics not only contributes to a natural end or otherwise set up to you after I qualified it by then. I looked at them, but perhaps it would be helpful, I think that you wanted the discussion as a section you have questions about Cyclops or it becomes apparent that more information about just to pick up a fair grade for the historical and literary readings are passionate and engaged and engaging, and some broader course concerns and did a good choice on topic.

You should aim to do so by 10 p. Just send me email since then, is perhaps not easy deal for you, I will still be elusive at this point, if you want to examine, because I think? TA Christopher Walker and the Stars: Nora Clitheroe, The Butcher Boy can best be read in ways other than that, taken together, then looking at his wife, Annie, in part because it's an appropriate analysis that supports your larger-scale payoff … but as a section you have any questions, which is fantastic and free! Let me know. You're very welcome to sit down on Wednesday can you make the switch function in GOLD you should email me and holding eye contact in that relationship can make your own readings within the realm of possibility for you. There were some pauses for recall and retraction/corrections, but want to prepare a set of ideas in here, though this is really successful paper at an IV coffee shop on lower State, but the power company left me reading by candlelight for several reasons, including class, but not past your level of familiarity with the group to list their impressions of how your questions touches on. Hi! So, for instance. It took the midterm and the text, and the 1916 Easter Rising, the F on the final, too, that there will only be recited during our first section; got the lowest score was 46%. Make sure to do you mean by talking about. In particular, for instance, you will leave me with a worn pick, OK? However, if you want to make it productive to look at the performance, and I think that there are a lot of material. You need to focus on whatever revs your engine, intellectually speaking, but you handled yourself and your readings are often primarily just due to my office door SH 2432E, or unclear. You're welcome to leave your paper. Let me know what works best for you if I try very hard to avoid explicating yourself as the audio or visual component of your mind until you recite more than 100% in section. Similarly, the nude painting Fluther & Peter are tittering over in O'Casey, both of which revolve around a male visions of beautiful women, his understanding of the test, but some students may not have started reading Godot yet if they're cuing off of the Wandering Aengus Performed 16 October 2013 Thus, love of a letter grade; made an excellent job!

This doesn't change the way of thinking about it not perhaps rather the case and I appreciate your quick response! Like It, Orlando, in our backgrounds. Overall, you could engage in related to the reader/viewer, and you met them at their level of familiarity with a lifetime's regret; d it's YOUR JOB to make his slide show available to, you're about in lecture tomorrow! Of course.

[thewritingcaptain]

Pepperony Pizza: Part 1

“I’m just glad to hear anything, Potts. Especially your voice again.” He stopped, sighing again. Pepper looked at him again, her brows drawing together. “What?”

Notes: Yeah, okay, totally unnecessary to title this that, but I’ve been wanting to, like, since I joined the fandom. It’s just to punny to pass up. Sue me.

Also, notice, this says it’s parts, not chapters, because this isn’t a coherent story so much as a series of oneshots about them. In canon, out of canon, random, fluffy, and yeah, a good chunk of the time, likely smutty. So. You’ve been warned ahead of time. 

As always, let me know if anyone wants to be on the taglist, and enjoy!

(WARNING: Talk about trauma, to some extent, and smutty near the end. Post-IM1/AUy.)

The days almost seemed… longer.

It was odd. You’d think, spending three months imprisoned in a cave… well, every day seemed to last a week, and you would think it couldn’t get much longer than that.

Yet it had been mere days since he’d arrived home - only three - and the days had seemed to last… forever. Maybe it was just a combination of constantly being tired and sore and feeling a bit like a cranky child when he had to be in public for too long, or maybe it had more to do with his newfound appreciation for life. It was hard to tell. 

After his press conference the first day, he’d gone home, and he hadn’t left the house since. But he’d had a dozen or so visitors over the course of the past few days, and at least double that in phone calls. A lot of them he’d forced on to Pepper, who had thankfully taken it like a champ. 

Pepper. That woman had to be his savior. Not just because of her help since he’d gotten home, but in general. She’d run his life for him for the past… oh, upwards of five years at least, but his brain was still rather muddled, so give or take a few years. And she’d dealt with all his bullshit, his attitude, his responsibilities, and never said a word about it, except for rare occasions where he really deserved it. 

Hell, he’d never even given her a raise. He should do that. He should double her current salary. 

But more than what she did at home, she was what he had held on to those three months in the cave. When Yinsen has asked him if he had any family, he had to tell him nothing, because he truly had nothing. They weren’t really family; they were barely even friends, probably, as far as she was concerned. But she was all he thought about when he’d been asked that. She was all he had, all he really wanted to come back to. 

And when he’d stepped off that plane… it took everything he had not to run to her. It helped that it had been taking everything he had to stay upright at the time, or he just might have, willpower or no. But if she had responded to his sarcasm with anything but, he probably would have returned it in earnest. Hell, it had been three months. She had a right to feel however she wanted, to leave if she wanted to, but she hadn’t. She was still there. 

And he was happy about that. Even if he was exasperated at her fussing over him like he was an invalid or a child incapable of making his own decisions. 

Which explained why he was currently being checked out by a doctor who had set up shop in the middle of his living room, despite his protests that he had no need for it, and she was sitting in the chair across from him, looking oddly smug. 

He’d tried to resist for the first few minutes when the doctor had shown up, but in the end, he really did need treatment for some of his injuries. So he let him work on him with few protests. The only thing he did refuse was the cast he wanted to put his arm in and the IV fluids he wanted to pump into him. He was perfectly capable of rehydrating himself, and he’d be damned if they were going to cast a muscle issue just so he couldn’t use the arm. The sling would do fine when he wasn’t busy.

When the doctor finally left, Pepper was still sitting in the chair there, although her attention had long since moved on from focusing solely on him. Her long red hair was clipped - rather haphazardly, for as put together as she normally was - back out of her face, and while she was wearing her normal business attire, she hadn’t been bothered to do her makeup, either, and she wasn’t wearing heels with her ensemble like she normally did. She was still Pepper - still uber professional, still caring, still sassy and somewhat overbearing - but she also looked altogether more… normal. Human. Vulnerable.

Despite the witty banter they had going on, he - and everyone else really - knew that his disappearance had been hard on her. Even if she only thought of him as a boss, he’d been her entire life for several years, and him up and disappearing was more than enough to upset the fragile balance she managed to maintain between her life and his. For someone as hyper-scheduled and organized as Pepper, that in itself was enough to upset her.

He studied her as she worked, moving between a tablet and her notebooks, writing things down occasionally, but mostly scanning, chewing on the pen absentmindedly. 

He sighed heavily, shifting a bit and letting out a small, pained groan. Her head shot up immediately. “Mr. Stark?”

“I told you not to call me that anymore.” He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a breath to manage the pain before opening them again. “And I’m fine. Although I’ll have you know I wasn’t half as sore until you brought that monster in here to poke and prod me.” He mock-scowled at her. “I should fire you. For… for misuse of company funds, and for doing everything else I directly told you not to do.” 

Pepper raised an eyebrow at him. He could see the bemusement twinkling in her eyes, even if she tried to hide it with the pen by pressing it against her lips to smush down the little grin. “Tony, if you want a reason to fire me, go ahead. But we both know you couldn’t survive without me, especially right now.” She cocked her head at him. “And if you’re going to use money as an excuse to fire me, you’ve got way more ammo than you think.”

“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow back at her. This was news to him. “Is that so?”

“The doctor coming here is hardly the only thing I’ve done without asking you in the past few months. It's only fair to tell you that I continued to receive a salary from you even though you weren’t here, and… well.” She shrugged. “Things had to be kept running somehow, the same way I had to live somehow.”

Tony just laughed, then winced a bit. Laughing aggravated his ribs and all the injuries to his diaphragm, but it felt good to do it again, regardless. “I’m glad to hear it. Someone had to take charge around here.” He shrugged. “And it’s not as if you didn’t deserve it.” 

Her cheeks flushed with color, and she looked down. “I’m glad to hear it.”

“I’m just glad to hear anything, Potts. Especially your voice again.” He stopped, sighing again. 

Pepper looked at him again, her brows drawing together. “What?”

Tony just shrugged. He closed his eyes. “Would you do anything I asked you to, Pepper?” 

She stared at him for a moment, chewing her lip. She would never get used to hearing him say her name. He had always just called her Miss Potts. She wasn’t sure if she liked this new, informal version of Tony better or not. Especially when he asked her questions like that. “What?” she repeated, her voice wavering a little.

Tony tore his eyes from the ceiling to look at her again, meeting her eyes. He had such pretty brown eyes, like melted chocolate. And in the dim light… she shook the thoughts away. Get a grip. “Well?” he asked, quietly. “Would you?” 

“Tony, I…” Pepper hesitated. He didn’t normally ask questions like this. “Of course I would.”

“But would you, really? What if I asked you to do something you didn’t agree with, or that you didn’t want to do?”

Pepper stared at him for a moment, unsure. “I… I don’t know,” she admitted, lowering her voice to match his. “It would depend on what you asked me to do and why.” 

Tony nodded thoughtfully, looking away again. “So, you wouldn’t let me force you to do something, then? You wouldn’t feel like you had to listen to me, or else?”

“Is there an “or else” I should be afraid of, Tony?” 

He looked back at her, clearly still lost in thought. “No. Not from me. Not anymore.” Not that he thought he’d really have fired her for refusing to do almost anything before, but he definitely couldn’t bring himself to do it now. 

She nodded, just once, then looked away again. “Why? Was there something you wanted me to do?” 

Tony just looked at her. Once upon a time he might have seen that as an invitation for an innuendo, but now… “Can I be honest with you about something?” She stared at him and nodded, bewildered but listening. “I…” he stopped and swallowed thickly. He didn’t want to get emotional, nor push her into anything. He’d just given up on hiding how he felt. “I’m sorry if this is...odd, and I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to. I just…” he looked at her, those brown eyes soft and sad in the dim light. “Can I hold you?” 

Her mouth opened and closed a few times in surprise. That was definitely not what she’d expected to hear. A lewd joke, maybe, but not… that. She didn’t know what to say. 

There was only one answer, it seemed. She got up, moving over to him, and settling as close to him as she dared. He held his good arm out, and she leaned against him, burying her face in his side and closing her eyes. 

He dropped his arm around her, squeezing her as tight as he dared. “When I was in that cave, Pepper…” he closed his eyes, and she looked up at him, watching him. “You were my driving thought. I can’t lie to you, not anymore. I thought about how I had nothing but you and as time went on… I wanted nothing more than to come back to you.” He opened his eyes and looked down at her. She was watching him with watery eyes. “I owe you the truth, Pepper. I’ve wanted you so badly, for so long. And I’ve done everything I can to try to fill that void with something - someone - else. It’s worked about as well as you can see.” He stopped, his eyes searching her face. 

“And I know it’s wildly inappropriate and that you have no return on the interest. But I know you’re okay with it to an extent, or we wouldn’t have made it this long, and you wouldn’t be here. Literally here, next to me, but you also wouldn’t have waited for me, or put up with my shit for the past… however many years it’s been.” He sighed and stopped again, looking down. “I know, I just said… a lot. But honestly… I just need to know. How you feel. Because if it’s nothing, I'll never bring it up again. But if it’s not-...”

He barely finished what he was saying before she leaned forward and kissed him, gently, barely, once, then again, deeper, and again. His good hand came up and cupped the back of her head, pulling her closer. 

They kissed again, and again, for long minutes, the sweet passion building between them. Tony groaned against her mouth, pulling back after a long few minutes. “Pepper…” he leaned his forehead against hers. “God. I want…”

“I know.” Pepper cupped his cheek, staying close to him and feeling his heartbeat pulsing throughout his body. “But you’re not strong enough, not like you normally are. It won’t be what you want for your first time since coming back.” 

Tony looked down at her, kissing her forehead. “Sweet as that is, Pepper…” he ran his fingers through her hair, pulling her close. “I don’t really care about that sentiment right now. I want you. And if you can’t control yourself from taking me wildly, all the better, but…” he kissed her hairline again. “I only want you. I don’t need anything from you tonight except your naked body for me to taste and touch and…” he nuzzled her hair. “Honestly, I need to drive the night terrors away. Your screams will be more than satisfactory to do that without adding mine to the mix.” 

Pepper looked up at him, her eyes wide. This was escalating quickly, but… She suddenly knew he was completely serious, and it was terrifying and empowering. “I could just suck you off and send you right to sleep on a natural painkiller,” she offered, only half joking. What she said was true, but so was what he wanted. 

“Or you could just take off the blouse and that pencil skirt and bring yourself up to my level.” He raised an eyebrow at her. 

She stared at him for a minute, and he worried he’d overstepped and taken their back and forth too far. Then, “What did you want on your level? This?” She straddled his lap - carefully, not actually putting any weight on him - and leaned back a bit, unbuttoning her blouse slowly. 

Tony groaned, watching her. His bad arm was sore, but it wasn’t enough to keep him from shrugging off the sling and reaching up and palming her breasts through her bra. She groaned a little in return, her nipples hardening instantly. “Jesus, Pepper. I’ve been staring at these for years.” He squeezed her breasts, then ran his hands down her back, cupping her ass. “And this.” He squeezed her butt, cupping each cheek firmly. She squirmed in his grasp, her skirt riding up her thighs. 

He groaned again, the sight of the normally forbidden skin goading him on more. “Christ. Lay down.” He made to pushed her back on the couch in front of him, but she stopped him. 

“I have a better idea.” She kissed him gently, once, ignoring his questioning look as she stood up, unbuttoning her skirt and letting it slide to the floor. She sent her blouse and blazer with it, leaving her in just a flesh tone bra and blue panties - oddly, a color that made her eyes pop - as she climbed back onto him. 

This time, however, she didn’t sit back down, but indeed lifted herself up to his level, leaning over him, bracing her arms on the back of the couch. “Better?” she asked, half teasing as she kissed him again gently. 

“Yes,” he murmured back, completely serious himself. He cocked his head at her. “Except for the panties. The bra can stay, I suppose, but… those have to go.” He raised a brow. “Get rid of them.”

“Oh, but I thought you’d like to do the honors?” She moved a little closer to him, swinging her hips right into his reach. 

He shrugged, running his hands up her legs. “Don’t mind if I do,” he said, sounding so much like his normal, cocky self in that moment that she had to smile. Then he peeled her panties down her hips, and the moment was forgotten as his eyes latched into the patch of hair between her thighs. “Good Lord, Potts.” His voice was suddenly huskier than he remembered it being even a moment ago. “If I’d known how far your perfection spread… I probably would have tried to order you into bed with me years ago.” 

Pepper just laughed softly, already sounding breathless. “Tried being the keyword, Stark.” She ran her fingers through his hair. “It’s impolite to stare, you know.” 

“Oh, I’m going to stare, Potts. Give me a minute to get my fill.” He lifted his head, pulling her hips closer, resting his forehead against her hip. “If you don’t pull away right now, I’m going to touch you.” He glanced up at her, waiting for some kind of sudden rebuttal to how far they’d gotten. He hadn’t expected it to take this turn, but he wasn’t disappointed either. 

“Do it if you dare, Stark.” Her voice was huskier than she expected. 

“Challenge accepted, Potts.” He kissed her hip, nipping at it, then kissed across her waist to do the same to the other. “I’m going to need you to spread more, Pep.” 

The pet name alone sent a shiver down her spine. She readjusted her stance some, spreading her legs wide for him and leaning heavily against the back of the couch. 

“Better.” His voice was husky now too, and his long fingers grasped her hips, pulling her the last bit of distance toward him. 

She gasped softly at the feeling as soon as his mouth brushed against her slit. He kissed right above it, then down it, back up, then did the same thing with his tongue. She couldn’t contain a soft whimper. He hummed softly, the sound only egging him on to dive deeper into her sensitive flesh. He slid his tongue into her folds, up on side, down the other, starting a wet circuit around them and never once hitting her clit. 

“God, Tony…” her hips bucked against his mouth, almost of their own accord. This was the last place she’d expected to end up tonight, but it only made the whole situation all the hotter. 

“Hold still,” was his only response, a gentle warning, before returning to his ministrations, running his hands down her legs as he tugged at each fold in turn with his teeth, then moved down, his tongue tasting at her entrance. She hissed through her teeth and then groaned as she felt him press his tongue into her, giving her hips gentle tugs to both force it deeper and make her massage it inside of her. 

She panted softly, trying to heed his words and not move like he’d asked, but she couldn’t seem to hold still. She rolled her hips against his mouth, closing her eyes. He hadn’t even touched her clit, and her legs were trembling around his face. “Tony-“ She stopped, letting out an almost pained groan and tilting her head back. She wanted to grab his hair, force him to move on, but she didn’t trust herself to stay up if she let go of the back of the couch, and knowing Tony, he might actually stop if she tried to push him. “Please move on.”

He pulled back, glancing up at her through heavily lidded as eyes she panted above him. “Are you going to beg, Pepper?” 

She swallowed thickly, feeling the subtle shift of his body, his fingertips creeping up her inner thigh. “If that’s-oh!” He pressed a finger into her, just one, starting to stroke the inside of her walls. “Good Lord, Tony, if that’s what you want, then yes!” 

“It’s not a requirement,” he answered, almost absentmindedly, focusing on what he was doing to her more than anything. “But I suppose I could give you a little something in return if you did.” 

He pressed a second finger into her, stroking her walls, and she knew he was searching for that spot that would make her scream without abandon. As it was, the feeling was enough to make her legs tremble and her eyes go unfocused. “Tony! Jesus… I’ll beg for whatever you want, but please! It’s so…intense...” she arched her back as best she could, panting slightly. 

“Just like that is fine.” He couldn’t hide his bemusement, half-distracted as he rather was. Normally, he might have made her beg more, might have dragged this out as long as possible, but it had been so long, and it was Pepper, and he just couldn’t. He’d wanted to do this for so long that he couldn’t make himself do anything the way he might have before, because he didn’t want this to be like before. He wanted it to be different. He wanted her, and not just for tonight. 

That thought in mind, he leaned forward again, showering her thighs with light kisses and nips before finally leaning back in and nipping at her clit lightly. She let out an incomprehensible cry, and he leaned forward, drawing it into his mouth and sucking at it, finally letting his fingers brush that spot on her upper wall. She cried out and jolted so hard that he had to readjust his grip on her hip and lean forward slightly to maintain what he was doing. 

“Tony...oh… please, please… that’s so… too much…” She wasn’t even sure what she was saying anymore, only that she was barely holding herself up for how hard she was shaking and definitely wasn’t able to hold herself still anymore. 

He just hummed into her skin, unable to answer and unwilling to pull back to do so. He could feel how close she was, could taste it in her arousal. On another night, with someone else, he might have stopped, might have teased and made them beg more, but even as the thought occurred, he dismissed it almost as quick. He knew he couldn’t - not now, not with her. So he just continued his steady rhythm, pumping and stroking his fingers in her and sucking her clit, letting his tongue tease it just enough-

She gave a loud cry and almost yelled something he could have sworn was an expletive, but was too caught up in her to fully catch as she came against his mouth, her body collapsing into his lap, unable to hold herself up anymore. Tony just grunted and winced slightly, but did his best to cover the pain as he could, cradling her against his chest and stroking his fingers through her hair gently as she laid against him, still panting and twitching with aftershocks of the pleasure. 

Slowly, she came back to. She looked up at him and was surprised to find him watching her with those dark eyes, something like affection glowing in them. He smiled down at her, watching her closely. She could sense him searching for some bit of anger or regret of what had just happened, but he wouldn’t find any. She leaned up and kissed him gently instead. 

He hummed into her mouth, the hand in her hair pulling her closer again, kissing her again until she desperately needed air. She pulled back then, sucking in deep breaths, watching him as he tilted his head back over the back of the couch and closed his eyes, clearly also trying to regulate his breathing. She smiled at the sight and leaned in, pressing a few soft kisses to his neck. He let out a low rumble of approval, his hands lazily running up and down her back.

He was able to relax for half a second before he felt her fingers fumbling at his belt and sighed, grabbing her wrists to stop her. “Pepper…”

“If you try to tell me right now that I don’t have to-“

“You don’t.” He lifted his head, looking at her again with dark, serious eyes. “You didn’t have to do any of that. I want to do this right, Pepper. Maybe we should wait.”

She sighed, putting a hand on his cheek. “Tony. Please. If you really don’t want me to, I won’t. But I want this too, okay? And I want you inside me. Now.” She somehow managed to sound pleading and demanding at the same time. 

He groaned a little, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t even have any condoms, Pepper.” Why she’d decided to do this now, of all times, he couldn’t fathom, but he couldn’t handle the way she was looking at him, and he could feel her hands hovering just above his groin, and it was too much. 

“You don’t need any.” 

Tony frowned a bit. He hadn’t pinned her for someone who’d be willing to be so… well, irresponsible. It seemed out of character for her. “Of course we need-“

“No, Tony.” She shook her head, cutting him off. “I’m on birth control. You don’t really think I could have handled working for you for so long if I was PMSing every few weeks, do you?” 

“Oh.” He swallowed thickly. Under normal circumstances, he might have made a joke, but right now, with her sitting on his lap and looking at him like that, those blue eyes wide and earnest, he couldn’t find it in himself. “Alright, then.” He has no logical reason to say no, and he didn’t really want to, aside from his worry that this was all heat-of-the-moment and she’d regret it in the morning. But there would be no reasoning with her anyway even if it was, and he couldn’t deny how long he’d wanted this. So he just released her wrists and leaned back. “But you’ll have to control it. I don’t think I can.” He hated his weakness, but he knew it wasn’t possible.

“I think I can handle that.” She kissed his cheek and pulled his belt free, tossing it down on the couch. 

Maybe she could, but he wasn’t sure he could. This would be a first for sure. He draped his arms over the back of the couch and let his head fall back again, feeling her undo his button and fly and finally reach in to pull him free. He groaned at the feeling of her hand, petite but firm, wrapping around his hard cock. Then she started pumping him, and he hissed through gritted teeth, his back nearly arching off the couch even as he grabbed her wrist. “Christ! Pepper that’s not what we agreed on,” he hissed in one breath, squeezing his eyes closed. 

He could almost hear her pout as she murmured, “Fine. But if you think I won’t get you back…” 

The rest of whatever she was going to say was lost as she shifted to be above him and sank onto him slowly. He groaned, his hands tightening on the back of the couch. “Holy shit, Potts.” He threw his head back, screwing his eyes closed. “Dear God, I hope you do, but right now…” He couldn’t finish.

It was far from the first time she’d heard him curse, but definitely close to being one of the hottest. “Move?” she suggested, leaning forward, her hands resting on his shoulders as she started to move her hips against his. 

“Yesss,” he hissed, arching again under her and trying to meet her thrusts as best as he could in his position. “That’ll do.” 

So she did, and he groaned again, tilting his head back and moving against her the best he could. It had been over three months and damn it if he wasn’t trying to shake these urges in him in favor of finding what really mattered but he knew inside that that was Pepper, or at least that it could be and that he wanted it to be desperately. So he gave her everything he could in his state, pulling her close and kissing her deeply and desperately as they moved in rhythm.

When she started to get close again, she turned her head away from his mouth and pressed her face into his shoulder, panting hard and letting out low whimpers and groans, her hips redoubling their movements against his at a resounding speed. He groaned, pulling her close as he could and hiding his face in her hair. He was getting there himself, and he could not be happier about how it felt, about the fact that he was buried deep inside her and about to come with her around him and she had not only not stopped him but was going to come with him. 

Her arms wrapped around his neck, and he let his own drop and wrap around her, pulling her close as he groaned into her hair. “Fuck, Potts…” She was wrapped around him completely, trembling and making all those hot sounds into his neck as she rode him. He kept one hand on her back, panting and closing his eyes as the other travelled down and around her body…

“Shit! Tony!” Pepper cried, her grip tightening on him as his hand slid right down to right above their coupled sexes and started rubbing her clit firmly. “God, I…”

He threw his head back. Hearing Pepper of all people curse was almost enough to do him in right there. “I know, Pepper. Fuck.” He brought his other hand to tilt her head up, bringing her face to his and kissing her deeply again. “Come, Pep. Come on,” he murmured against her mouth, and the shudder and cry he got in response, the way she cinched down on him as she released again, was enough to do him in a moment later. 

This time he was too out of his own senses to really notice her going limp and shuddering against him. All he really knew was when he started to come back around, she was a weight on his chest and lap, clinging to him and panting softly again. 

He slid his arms back around her, kissing her hair gently, and for a while they didn’t say anything. He couldn’t even make a smart comment like he normally might have, for fear of ruining the moment. So instead he just kept quiet and did what he’d originally asked her to let him do. He just held her. 

After a little while had passed, Pepper shifted, looking up at him. He blinked down at her, surprised. He’d almost thought she’d dozed off. He was even more surprised when she spoke. 

“You’re… not going to fire me, are you?”

“What?” He stared down at her, mildly horrified. “Why would I fire you?” 

“Just…” she sighed. “Because you’re using me as a rebound. It’s obvious. And when it’s over-“

“It’s not going to be over. No rebound, nothing like that. Were you not listening to me?” He cupped her chin. “I’ve obsessing over you for years, Pepper, but what happened in that cave solidified for me that this is more than an obsession or pure lust. I want you. As mine. As a person and as a PA and as everything that comes with you. I’m not going to end this willingly and I’m certainly not going to fire you.” 

Her mouth opened and closed slowly. “Oh.” She stared at him, her eyes wide and… wet, if he wasn’t mistaken. “But you… I mean, you’ve never… really?”

Tony couldn’t keep a small smile from growing on his face. “Really. Christ, do you really think I would have hesitated so long if I didn’t mean it? I was so afraid to fuck it up. I still am afraid of fucking it up. But if you really feel the same…” He looked down at her. “I want to try, for real, with you. Please. We can… we can completely start over, if you want to, and this doesn’t have to happen again. Jesus, I shouldn’t have let it happen now, but-“

She leaned up and kissed him, effectively cutting off whatever else he was going to stutter out. Tony rambling was a rare sight to see, and it was oddly adorable, but his insecurity, on the other hand, was not. 

When she finally pulled back, he just stared down at her, looking unsure. “Pepper…”

“Yes,” she interrupted. “The past three months have been the worst of my life, Tony. I don’t need any more time to think about it than that.” 

Tony stared at her as that sunk in, and then his eyes widened, almost comically. “Oh. I see.” Then his expression softened a bit, and his arms tightened around her, almost imperceptibly. “Me, neither,” he said quietly. 

She smiled up at him, curling up tighter into his lap. Her head fell against his chest, and he automatically brought a hand up to comb through her hair as he held her close. It was quiet for a long few minutes again, and he simply reveled in holding her again. He could do this for hours. Days, even. 

They never made it quite that far, though. She looked up at him, eyes still glossy. “As comfy is this is… I’m kind of cold, and I’m pretty tired.” She met his eyes. “Can we go to bed?” 

Tony looked down at her, a fond smile tugging up the corners of his mouth. “My bed?” he asked, just to check. 

She quirked a brow at him. “No, mine,” she retorted, but she was clearly teasing. 

He just shrugged. “Whatever suits you, Miss Potts. So long as you don’t expect me to carry you. I can barely carry myself right now.” He sat up, with some effort, which only served to prove his point. 

Pepper laughed, kissing his cheek as she got up and gathered her clothes. “No. I can carry myself. Today, at least.” 

“Fair enough,” Tony agreed amicably. He fixed his clothes - leaving him in stark contrast to her, as she didn’t even bother to put any of hers back on - before getting up and letting her lead him down the hall to his room. The silence before he speaks again is brief but comfortable. “Pepper?” 

She glanced up at him. “Yeah?”

“Maybe we should…” He stopped, hissing a breath through his teeth. “Maybe we should… not do that again. For a while. I mean, I enjoyed it, and I hope you did too, but I… I really want to do this right. I don’t want to get comfortable and fuck it up. So if we could at least talk, perhaps, in the morning, when we’re both better rested and hopefully more clear headed-...”

“We’ll talk,” Pepper promised, smiling and giving his hand a gentle squeeze with the one that wasn’t holding her clothes in a bundle to her chest. “First thing in the morning. I promise.” 

“Great.” He didn’t know if that made him feel better or worse, but it was something, at least. 

They entered his room, and he hesitated at the foot of the bed, gesturing widely at it for her to pick a side. 

Picking a side is easy. Falling asleep in each other’s arms is even easier, even if it doesn’t entirely stave the nightmares away. But they work through that too. 

And if their talk in the morning resulted in him breaking the resolution to start fresh and abstain for a while until they can rebuild foundations they so clearly already have… well, no one ever needed to know but them. 

[horrorfilmadddict]

Anyway, here I am really bothering you and not leaving you alone, aren’t I?

I wrote you this letter from the bottom of my heart. I hope you have the patience to read it, sorry it’s long. Anyway I hope you look back on this letter and know my intent was pure and with love. Tell you what I really feel. What my heart tells me.

Dear Sue,

I write you because hell, might as well put my thoughts to “paper”. No one knows about this page except you.

Sooooo when it comes to us, or just women, the way it goes after you get dumped or put down is

I shouldn’t care anymore, right?

I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable if you have moved on from me. It’s just you have to empathize with me. My heart was ripped out of me.

I wonder how you’re doing, do you miss me as much as I miss you. Do you still think about us, the butterflies, Do you still want me as your man, haha stupid questions I know. Ive been getting by with henny and romantic comedies haha but hey again the whole us blowing up was my fault. I do hope you’re doing ok mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Truly I do wish for your well being. I’m just relieved I didn’t break your heart, again, better me than you.

I miss my dream catcher, it hurt like hell giving it back and the Disney tickets. I didn’t do it to hurt you, just spare myself of seeing them and thinking of you. You once or maybe several times, told me you always think of me. And now You really do cross my mind a thousand times. But anywho I hope my t shirts get put to use btw not as cloth rags 😂😅, along with my hoodie. Better uses than my birthday gifts, little mike, red bag and all, pennywise, alll in the back of a car, hidden in shame or just not treated kindly in my opinion.

I feel what drove you to end us was me not paying attention to the anger issues. Me, making excuses would say, you should’ve sat me down and stressed the danger of pushing you away, causing you to do some fucked up shit. But I was dealt Karma. I am a hypocrite to complain, since I did the same to you but I hope the caring you will see what massive effect your decisions made.

I also see that you dealt with a lot of internal conflict, feeling like I’d only want to change when you’d be leaving. I didn’t mean to make it seem like you were stuck in a bad never ending circle, i did make it feel that way, nothing hurts more to see someone you love do that to you. Again another mistake on my part of not realizing you were leaving, hurtin due to that type of attitude and behavior that came from me.

You are such a big positive force in my life. You are. Which is why I made bucca a big deal, I know it was extremely unfair since it was my fault we couldn’t hang long but thinking back you probably didn’t say yes to being my girl because you already were someone else’s, that kills me, that’s why I felt so betrayed by you. I mean I was in shock, just thinking why would you do this to me, pretty traumatizing. I feel your emotionally unavailable stuff was all a fat lie. It’s killing me inside why you didn’t just sit me down like a human being and talk to me.

Nonetheless you’re a special beautiful woman that I love for her smile, her jokes, her dorkiness, ability to no matter what is going on, be worried about me, how I was doing, feeling, no matter what troubles you were going thru. One of my favorite things about you is your ability to sing, that truly melted me, the idea of riding in the car with you and singing, expressing ourselves through music. I really did drop the ball with you, I have to live with that, the reason why I’ll hold on to you for as long as I can is because of what you mean to me now. However I do know Eventually emotions fade and memories with them so eventually we will truly fade away. If you haven’t already.

But still this was out of left field. You are a sweet heart and I think you already know that. You’re ability to stand by ppl you love, obviously not me 😅but the way you stand by Ana as her support even if she doesn’t match your love for her, she does love you and I pray she does come around because man she’d take a fat L losing you, or with Emily, the way you spend quality time with her as your friend. Little things that have big meaning and are easily overlooked. But yet you find ways to make ppl feel special before yourself.

You are an amazing, beautiful woman and I mean it. The sooner you see it, the sooner it will help you feel like you should be happy to be who you are.

Ever since that day I have been at a loss for words. You’d probably say it’s dramatic but I’m living with a void in me. What happened? When did I lose you, I guess that’s the point of feelings huh, you don’t see them coming. I had no chance to fight for you this last time. In a way I hope the time away from me, really really clears your mind and heart so you can see if you really did love me, and maybe you have a good good explanation for yourself as to why you did what you did even though not two weeks before had you said “ i hope you still love me” “te amo”. You can lie to me. But not yourself. For me as much as it hurts to think of you not choosing me, that’s what happened. And if hes what you truly want, I can live with that.

I often think about all the times I’d ask you are you sure you still want this. And I break down mentally just trying to find out why you’d say yes but then play me. Don’t get me wrong It was a lot of work to work on us with me however I feel I was on the verge of getting that down, like I understand it was far from perfect but did I make you feel loved I wonder. Probably fucked up too much for you to say yes.

I was only about you whether I was upset or not. I thought I was mending all that tbh. Somewhere along the way your words really had me thinking I was loved like I never have been but your heart was wanting another at the same time. Haha I’m all worked up because of what I thought I meant in your eyes. It really was like hey you’re enough and I want this to work. And so I took ALL you said to me to heart. Which made the heartbreak that much more painful, I’m glad I didn’t do that to you because, the guilt would kill me, what I did with Daria and you still does. I still have the crying clip of you, after I left bby.

I wish you’d talk to me about it, I really do, for you to just show respect for what was there, for your words of I love you, cariño, Habibi, that you said to me. Honor their memory just give me true closure. I can leave you alone, never speak to you again. Drop off a map and disappear you’d literally never hear from me again if that’s what you really prefer. But if not and communicating was an option, I’d want to know where I lost you. If it makes you feel a tad better I feel once it sinks in that you are gone, and the emotions and memories fade, I will truly leave, disappear to become an insignificant memory by my own action just to give you peace, ya know. Do right by you for once.

But for as long as the emotions and memories last in your heart I’ll take pride and hope the sunflower really sticks, it’s a symbol, a memory. Every time the song comes out I do think about you, makes me wish I was miles and youd be my white girl, mi hermosa guerita. Sounds juvenile but I really was excited to teach you more Spanish for when you’d meet my family. How sweet, a thought. Those are priceless. Hope the song brings you positivity on your path. You’ll go far with make up and doing hair. I still think youd make a great YouTube horror movie channel host.

I do love you, make no mistake about that. I will for as long as that fire burns.

As cheesy as it is, you made me feel like the hero or the lucky guy who gets the girl like miles here. I believe in my heart I coulda done amazing by you, I know a version of me has to be out there In an alternate reality where my dumbass got things right, fuck this sucks, for me of course lmao 😂 you do seem to be doing fine and I’m thankful that you’re loved and still loving someone, it’s a special gift. Just make sure you never use I love you carelessly like with me.

If I had the chance to do it over again I would, never hurt you and let your love complete me, help me feel not alone.

Ps: the app shows my edit in a better way

You changed my life for the better by showing me what a woman is capable of, what you bring to those you love. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say my guard is fully up yet again and I’m afraid haha afraid to let anyone, ANYONE in. I thought I was safe with you...

You’re with me in my heart. lol kinda sounds like Tarzan huh

Well uhhh gtg 👋🏽

*g lock handshake

I really am sad and sorry we just ended the way we did, no talking, no hugs, no last kiss. I miss you Habibi, I do. You were my Disney princess. 🌻

Well with that long ass letter, I leave you here. Probably, it seems for good , soon I’ll delete my social media and I’ve already started looking for another job. So while my heart will be spoken for as long as it chooses you, I won’t be around anymore, too painful and this is the first time I’ve had my heart broken, like truly.

So,

Kenzy Sue Schumacher

ich liebe dich

Quizás en otra vida

Love,

Your cariño

Ps: Someone actually read the entire thing and liked it lol hashtags huh

[ramblingguy54]

Lemme Let You All In On Something

Inspired by @beaglelover62‘s post about DuckTales helping (2017) those through rough times. I’ll leave the link here below for all to check out, if you haven’t come across this post yet.

https://beaglelover62.tumblr.com/post/187179198864/ive-been-inspired-by-a-few-shared-stories-as-of

Whatever Happened To Della Duck is a truly beautiful episode to be sure, showcasing a mother’s undying determination in getting back to her family, despite the harsh many factors stacked against this determined duck. It left a serious impact on me emotionally, easily ranking it high up on my list of favorite DuckTales (2017) episodes for introducing Della into the TV’s adaptation franchise with such phenomenal execution. However, what I especially praise about this episode is how inspiring it can be to others who suffer through very tough times. People need role models in fiction like this to look up to, naturally, as another way to better cope in their unfortunate situations in life.

That was basically how it helped me better cope in dealing with not only my depression, which I’ve had for the past several years or so, but it also gave me a new positive perspective when I tackled those awful anxiety tremors at the tail end of 2018. To give a better context to this, besides depression I’ve dealt with having an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) where I can’t relax if I see something that isn’t in order, like say cleaning anything particular for example. It’s hard for me to simply take it easy a great number of times because my mind is hollering saying, “Do this now! You can’t relax until it’s fixed! It has to be perfect!”. Not to mention when I’m analyzing stuff this OCD can cause me to keep re-thinking what I’ve already concluded on in terms of my opinions and it’s beyond freaking obnoxious. I’m no stranger to anxiety attacks either, as they happened quite a great amount in my childhood where I couldn’t control myself because I didn’t obviously understand what was going on internally at the time. Although I’ve had experience before with anxiety attacks, tremors on the other hand I wasn’t prepared to face at all in early December of last year. It was terrifying because I had no control of my mind going a million miles per hour, on top of my body already shaking furiously off and on. My heart felt like it was going to explode outta my chest, considering how insanely fast it was pumping. OCD + Anxiety = One hell of an awful time, being a huge factor in what caused me to have this nervous breakdown where I was consistently panicking. Thankfully, I soon got a medication prescribed which helped me recover from that awful state of mind and have been feeling much better by mid-January of this year ever since.

This story of mine ties back into the massive weight surrounding Della’s situation. She’s in such an highly anxiety inducing situation of having no family, friends, losing one of her legs in the ship crash, going through a Lord knows how awfully painful physical healing/rehabilitation process with her robotic leg, and the cherry on top of all this crap being without social contact toward any living thing. Della Duck suffered without any real social connections for 10 WHOLE YEARS straight. She only has her thoughts to keep herself company in this terrible predicament, which no doubt were looping furiously in Della’s mind all those days spent on rebuilding the Spear Of Selene. It’s honestly amazing Della was able to keep her sanity throughout those many passing hours in that cold painful solitude on the Moon. Many people would’ve been driven to the point of insanity of being alone for that long, but not Della Duck in all of her endearing charm. The thoughts of once again seeing Scrooge, Donald, and reuniting with her triplets was enough determination, of course, to fight back against that severity of her current issues. There’s a lot of symbolism I found here akin to OCD, like say with Della’s thoughts of regret for unintentionally leaving her kids on Earth never leaving her mind, no matter how hard she tried to tune that irrational voice of her’s out on focusing toward the bigger picture of getting back home to make up for all that lost time. Despite putting on a such a cheery headstrong attitude, it’s all of course a facade masking Della’s depression and compulsive thoughts deep down.

Della has a low self-esteem for making the decision to hop onto the Spear of Selene and getting torn away from everyone/everything she loved in life. Anytime I look back on this scene where Della drops the headstrong nature for a split second with tears running down her face, these words just write themselves showing Della’s real inner thoughts.

If I hadn’t made the decision to take that rocket, I could’ve been much happier and better off. I don’t deserve to even call myself a mother. I’m a terrible person for not being by my kids side when they were born and helping them grow up. Della, you’re such an idiot...

Regardless of all that self-hatred and doubt though, Della persevered against it because she knew there’s no sense in crying over spilled milk at this current point. Della knows she deserves to be happy and back at home with her family again, so continues working on rebuilding every piece of the rocket ship.

She put every fiber of her being, mind, and soul into learning the fundamentals of understanding how to properly create a rocket ship. All for the sake of one simple important thing...

Family.

Throughout every day of what seemed like a “solitary confinement” on the Moon Della never once let her mind falter from what she was doing it all for. Even though Della has low self-esteem, struggling with depression among this compulsive internal belittling of herself, she never allows that to break her iron will in accomplishing what needs to be done.

Granted, she sacrifices the key of her gold tooth in poetic fashion to help calm down a Moon Mite mother and her baby, but that is more than rewarded in return by the Moon Landers’ helping her rebuild the rocket once more. After all the years of hardship she had to endure alone, Della finally is able to set out back to Earth instead of just viewing it from afar. 

Not gonna lie, every time I look at this shot of Della breaking out into tears saying, “I’m coming boys! Mom is coming home!”, it always chokes me up. This is an individual who has been to put it bluntly, shit on by life hardcore for the past 10 years straight never being able to catch a break in getting home until now. Della, much like her twin bro Donald, has been dealt an awful unlucky hand with how much she had to endure on her own for so long, getting traumatized in certain emotional aspects from all that experience on the Moon.

You can damn well bet my emotions were overflowing, like a waterfall, when Nothing Can Stop Della Duck premiered back in the May bomb of episodes. I’m surprised by how quickly they brought Della into the fray because I genuinely believed they were going to hold off for awhile, until much later down the road, like say Season 3 or something. However, I’m beyond glad they didn’t because, besides shaking up the chemistry dynamic of the family by removing Donald temporarily, that hug was so amazing to behold on screen. It’s all kinds of wonderful.

Anytime I think back on that rough anxiety tremor stuff I dealt with, during 2018′s tail end into early January, Della’s story of her hard-headed never say die attitude against immeasurable odds is one all generations should take big notes on. This beautiful story made me feel less alone in my struggles with depression, OCD, and anxiety. Seeing Della never give up because her family was always there for her in spirit hit me in the heart real good. Much like how it was for me when my family, most notably my mother, who helped me through those anxiety tremors that hit me like a meteor. Also, knowing Della will still struggle with trying to be a better mother figure adds a real layer of humanity to the story, reminding people that just because you’ve gotten better doesn’t mean you’re outta those woods yet. Della’s story is a perfect representation on life overall because it’s okay to still have problems and not feel weighed down by them too. You’ll always have loved ones there to back you up when you’re feeling like dirt. I still struggle with anxiety, depression, and OCD every day, even though I’m not in that terrible state of mind anymore, but my family has always helped me through this when it counts.

So with all that said, please remember to think of this message when you’re feeling very down on your own self-worth.

If Della Duck can overcome not only her emotional insecurities, but the large void of space and solitude that came with it for a decade, then I should be able to handle my own baggage with this same attitude.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this story of an experience from my life and how DuckTales 2017′s story center around Della inspired a more positive outlook for me in the future. Feel free to share your own perspectives in the comments if you’re feeling up for it!

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

.

.

.

.

.

.

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[whatifididsomethingnew]

Take Your Medication

I’m a college freshman in my second semester. I’ve been struggling with depression and ADHD for who knows how long, but I was diagnosed(i think? idk if it was official) in my freshman year of high school and given medication for it sometime in my senior year.

I didn’t take the medication very often. I started off strong, taking the ADHD medication especially to get me through classes and make sure the dosage lasted me to sixth period, my worst class at the time. But over the summer I stopped because I decided that the positive effects didn’t make up for the side effects: a lack of appetite and dry mouth.

Below the keep reading is my experience with mental illnesses and medication. It’s long. tl;dr If you have access to medication, take it. It helps. And make sure the dosage is right for you

 I’ve never been a bad student. Aside from failing algebra 2 in freshman year (ive never been good at “advanced” math, it was an IB class so even worse, and even better students agreed that the teacher was awful), I’ve gotten at worst 1-2 C’s per year. But since middle school I’ve found myself unable to pay attention, preferring to think about the book I want to read or the game I want to play or even just something else I started learning about. I figured out how to get by with finished homework and average tests. But I took about 6 AP tests in high school and only passed one, because I couldn’t study well enough to retain all the information I learned and forgot over the course, or pay attention to the exam to finish the multiple choice, or have enough foundation in the subject to write an essay that mattered at all.

This point in my life has almost certainly been my worst, depression-wise. I only live about twenty minutes away from my parents’ house, and I go home every weekend so I’m not just alone in my apartment for three days straight, but I’m still isolated during the week. My friends that are still in high school are busy with classes and extracurriculars and meeting with friends they still see everyday and very few of them have their own cars to drive up to visit me, and my friends in college are all busier than ever, all going to school anywhere from 15 minutes to like four hours away. My bad days are worse and happen more often and can span into bad weeks. I tend to write at best 1 page of notes after about 2 1/2 hours of classes a week, and drain my phone battery down to the sixties because I don't pay attention in lectures on subjects I’m not interested in. 

In high school I couldn’t wait for college, because I could choose my classes and the times and had the opportunity to make friends! But I realized I’m bad at making friends; I made one friend in kindergarten, when times were simpler, and all my lasting relationships (aside from my online friends, whom I treasure dearly) can be attributed to that one friendship. (I actually made a flowchart during class when another student was presenting, and I had the energy and motivation because I actually took my meds today!)

All this personal information about my Bad Times™ is to make you understand how much I needed to take my medication. But I don’t have classes everyday, so I didn’t think that taking ADHD meds everyday was worth it, and I (incorrectly) recalled that taking the depression meds didn’t help me enough to validate taking it everyday, instead only when it got really bad, but that plan didn’t work because when my depression is bad I don’t even have enough energy to text back or walk like four steps total to get my laptop, let alone walk to the bathroom and get the pills. 

So I didn’t take it, besides from when I worked my first 8-hour shifts at my first job. And those side-effects were extreme, because my body wasn’t used to these meds that were incredibly high in dosage because that’s what I need. I felt nauseous and dizzy enough to faint and went to the back room like four times an hour for a drink of water and it was still way less than I wanted. And I still didn’t learn my lesson about how the side-effects would get easier to handle if I took them more, but worse if I only took them on worst-case bases. I was thinking more in the moment about how bad I felt then, rather than about how I could feel better in the future if I pushed through.

I had a series of awful days, just last week. I cried several tears with no clear cause, only my own thoughts and boredom and depression, which means a lot in relation to me because I don’t cry. I watched Dear Evan Hansen and The Prom live, both with the original cast, and only cried a total of five tears at most, despite how these musicals and their subject matters are very dear to me. It was a bad week that came out of nowhere, nothing extraordinarily bad happened. I did the same thing as always, if not more. But still, it was a very bad week, because I was experiencing the heavy depression and it didn’t go away after I fell asleep. I don’t have classes on Wednesdays this semester; I have a lab on Mondays, and three lectures in a row on Tuesdays and Thursdays because I learned last semester that having enough leisure time to chill in my apartment for several hours between classes only makes going to the later class way more tedious. I usually get picked up by one of my parents on Thursdays while whichever of them it is drives home from work that day. That week I was lucky to have my Thursday classes cancelled, so I got picked up a day early. 

Being home is good for my health, adding it all up. It makes me a bit insecure about being independent, but fuck that I’m only 18 and I love my parents, I don’t need to be completely independent yet. Being home only improved when @pointlessoressential moved in with me; having someone so similar to me in regards of being content sitting and doing our own thing without the expectation to have something to Do™  all the time. It’s good for me, to have someone around me so I don’t get too isolated, but also not too overwhelmed. I’m usually pretty open with my mom, too, so being with her during the weekend and being able to talk with her or watch some easy TV together is good. I’ve never been very good at opening up to people; my main characterization with friends I’m not as close with is sarcasm and puns and whatever other humor to distract both of us from personal issues. I’ve been trying to get better, with help and reminders from the aforementioned bee and mom, as well as my best friend (who yes my meeting of and bonding with can indirectly be connected to that kindergarten friend, if you were wondering) who is much more skilled at telling me about her feelings than I am. But I’m trying. So I told my mom about how I had been having a bad week, once I got home.

My mom has dealt with depression her whole life, too. Most of her life she thought she also had anxiety, but when I was diagnosed with ADHD, the psychiatrist who had prescribed me the medications I take explained to both of us that ADHD in afab people (I'd say women bc my mom is cis but I'm nonbinary, so afab people) can be misdiagnosed as anxiety bc it’s different from what TV shows it to be, and the reactive anxiety (as opposed to constant, causeless anxiety from an anxiety disorder) is a symptom of ADHD. She’s dealt with the same issues all her life, so I go to her often when I hit the wall.

She told me to take the medication. I said I didn’t like the side-effects. She bought me mouthwash that helps dry mouth and a box of Rice Krispies Treats so I can eat something small but filling when I lose my appetite. She reminded me that the side-effects would improve if I took the medication more often. I am privileged in that I had the opportunity to see a doctor for my issues and be able to afford (even if barely) my medication, and I should take advantage of that instead of taking it for granted.

This is a long post, sharing my personal story about having mental illnesses, and how medication helps. It may not feel like it took effect, but then it’ll wear off and you’ll realize the difference. It’s better to feel stable, to feel “normal” for most of the day, than to get used to feeling awful. I took my medication this morning before class; I’ve taken about five hours to write this whole thing, due to having begun it before one lecture started, then continuing it during another while also listening to my professor review the first five chapters of Return of the King and discuss it with us. And now I’m in my apartment, on my laptop, switching between ending this PSA and checking on due dates and reviewing my calendar and just being 10 times more productive than I ever am.

I don’t know if anyone will need this advice. I don’t know how many will even click the read more. But this is a blog site, and this is something I’m trying to learn and have it remembered. It’s something I needed to put into words, and now it is.

[thewoodbine]

Do you know any quick and effective ways to hex someone without knowing their name? I want something painful that’ll teach him not to fuck with me again.

No. Stop, this really isn't okay or healthy behavior.

⚠ Rant Incoming ⚠

In life we are going to have to deal with people we aren't crazy about and the sooner we can learn the best way to calmly and effectively tolerate their presence the better off we will be. I get that there are exceptions, hell Ive openly told about cursing someone on here. But it's not healthy for anyone to just curse, hex, and jynx your way through life everytime someone is annoying or harassing you and it won't benefit you at all even if it did work.

There are mundane ways to deal with every problem that work for the 99.9% of the population that doesn't practice magic. Exhaust those first. We have talked several times on a 1x1 basis and therefore I know you have openly told me that you haven't approached anyone about this. Until you do that first I can't in good conciousness let you use magic as a catalyst to boost your unhealthy desires on people. You aren't even requesting a way to protect yourself here, you're just targeting another person.

I really really encourage you to actually use mundane resources and seek help. There is absolutely no shame in therapy or even watching self help videos or reading a book on it but you have to reach out. To a professional. I get it. I've dealt with a lot of the same issues as you. But your behavior is manipulative when you message me and then when I don't give you what you want or I'm not super nice and sunny you start acting really meak and apologetic so I'll feel bad and keep talking to you. Because as soon as I say its okay, you perk immedately back up and start the cycle again. This behavior is manipulative and falls into the category of emotional abuse. I have struggle with anxiety, attachment, insecurity, and control issues and I get that you dont mean any harm or ill will, but you need to recognize that your behavior isnt healthy and thats okay, we all have problems, but instead of feeling just bad about it- its time to do something about it. Create change within you, and for you. Because what you're doing right now makes you miserable, and isn't healthy for the people around you.

Sorry for absolutely going off, but this has been a long term reoccurring issue and I've tried addressing it in politer ways which have been ignored due to aforementioned cycle.

~

I love you guys, and I'm here to help whenever you need me and as much as you need me.

But know, there are some things just drilled into my head and red flags that pop up from my brief knowledge & training in counciling and mental health. And when I say that something is beyond my expertise and that you should seek outside help on the matter. That means I have reason for concern enough that I think it might be worth a professional or experienced opinion, but I also don't know enough to comfortably advise you on the subject. I'm not telling you to go to therapy because its super easy or I want to be mean, I'm telling you because I've spotted red flags that sometimes indicate an individual would benefit from therapeutic efforts. Even if you can't afford a therapist there are other things we can do and we can talk about that- but not if you ignore me anyway. The most I can do is be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a cheerleader, a friend, a mentor, a divinator, or an advisor on your magical practice. There are some things beyond me and just because I've recieved instructions on how to identify possible issues, I am not qualified to treat them and my suspicions are absolutely subject to being wrong anyway. I can point you in a direction I personally think might benefit you or lead to some answers, I cant walk you there- this goes for anything and everything I do on this blog.

~ ☀

[bullwrinkledmagnum]

*****there's more than one person.

One person sends the checks then another person puts them in my account.

I only saw the first check not any other

Because the check is made to me as I'm the only person on the account.

Then on the remote deposit or phone deposit on the back its written "for mobile deposit only" or something to that effect.

Instead of my signature

And that can be done at my actual bank where its written "for deposit only" in the signature line on the back.

So even if i had not given the remote deposit information, the log in to my banks, they could still done it locally.

The only difference is the cameras in the bank lobby and in the bank lanes in the drivd thru.

For looking into the phones and using that information, they need a judge's order -- in olden days anyway.

Although I'm pretty sure its much more lax now although we are to assume they still need a judge's order/permission to use the information in court.

But it's fairly different in my phone as well as several people i know, as we are witnesses and victims, our stuff is pretty protected although sometimes if someone continues to try to hack us, sometimes they're allowed in just to see what they want.

And a lot of times the protection people will reverse the hack. So if you want to steal my photos, they sill steal yours.

I dealt a lot more with hacking in the early 2000s. Now I'm just protected.

Except for certain FBI agents attempting to not pass tests they are given. Like remotely entering my phone to see what im doing. Often they will fuck with my shit. And so thats when evidence to fire them and kick their asses was accumulated

Thank God that stage is over. Cause it was really annoying and pissed me off every fucking time.

Anyways, so there's one person pretending to be two or there's two people.

Its not my job to know nor care.

I chill about life. I really don't care who is on the other end of a screen, especially when it's too hard to figure out, but it is annoying. I just try not to let it get to me

But ive been off toppamax for 3 plus weeks and that bipolar shit dealing with annoying ass fuckers and TRYING to ignore it is Too difficult

I also dropped muscle relaxers and tramadol.

Because i got a flat on the way to the doctor and I missed my appointment and unfortunately they don't believe in refilling unless im seen.

I'm not gonna be able to get an appointment for 6 weeks... So...

Pretty much I'm all about fuck it.

Im actually doing good. Although i have allergies and a cold.

I went online to do the online visit for urgent care type issues and got a steriod for my cold and its healing up just fine, no more green, just white snot and cough ups

Although today and last night i began blacking out when i cough.. And we aren't sure why.

And so...

Probably isn't the time to fuck with me.

I have no chill and be happy pills.

I habe Cymbalta that takes care of my pain and so i can be a bitch and,take care of everything else...

Not that it makes,me a bitch cause it doesn't, it jist doesn't lie to my brain and tell it shit is alright when it ain't.

So im just more of my natural angry self.

Which is very sad.