I feel like naruto doesn't get into the fact that naruto had literally no one give a shit about him until like. iruka-sensei? And sure, he was in an orphanage but then we learn that he's had the APARTMENT HE LIVES ALONE IN AS A TWELVE YEAR OLD CHILD THAT THE ENTIRE VILLAGE DESPISES since he was 4 or 5 i think (i will not check this. the timeline of naruto is dumb and makes me cry). and even in orphanage it isn't like the staff there were treating him right. why else would be given his own apartment by the hokage when he's four? i know they let sasuke stay in the house of his dead family and let itty bitty kakashi live alone after his father died but they are The Last Loyal Uchiha and a prodigy respectively. the rules are different compared to naruto himself, i believe.
Like, yeah– Naruto is loud and brash because he wants attention– and never has it unless he provokes others– and almost certainly neurodivergent (I think he has ADHD and depression). He doesn't know any of the theory behind being a shinobi, doesn't even know what chakra is. But Naruto has been criminally neglected, socially isolated and if not physically abused by some people in the village then certainly threatened with it often at the least. I'm more on the side that says that the ANBU can't stop everything and that by ditching them all the time Naruto actually ends up in more Very Bad situations but that aside:
I genuinely believe that Naruto would not know how to read when canon started. I think he doesn't how to use a washing machine (he washes his clothes in the Naka river because no laudromats will accept him). I think he holds his chopsticks wrong. I think he has half-picked up ANBU handsigns and how to mimic other people's voices to an eerie degree but he doesn't know a single thing about nutrition besides what can be obviously observed and tested (ie, if I don't eat something green at least once a week my body will Not Like It). I think he doesn't know ANYTHING about medical care except "if it's popped out, shove it back in the socket," or "wrap it in cloth scraps."
He's can be so quiet and stealthy that the ANBU lose sight and sound of him but he doesn't think unconditional love exists. Or at least, not for him.
I desperately want to see more of a Naruto that is brash and loud and loving and hopeful, yes, but also, once you peel back some layers, extremely eerie. Naruto is an orphan that raised himself in a village that would leave him dead in a ditch at the first opportunity: he is a child that raised himself in enemy territory. He is a child seen as a beast to the ordinary and a weapon to the higher ups. and do you know what people do to beasts and weapons that are unruly and too smart or lazy and useless? they put them down.
there is no way that Naruto is unaware of this. he's a child, but children can be perceptive and Naruto has to be to survive. And it's not like the village is being subtle. so. I want to see a Naruto that is so so aware that the ANBU are both to protect him and destroy him, that the hokage might hesitate, but no one else will. So: here is Naruto, who is a child who is a monster who doesn't want to be put down. who has to be cheerful and stupid and harmless enough to not be a threat, and strong and naive enough to not be useless.
just. just. a Naruto that has had to learn everything on his own, through trial and error, people-watching and his own common sense (naruto's sense is NOT common). And he's good at it because he has to be. He's a mimic through and through– he learns much from the ANBU and the vendors in their market stalls and the conversations that families share with each other. But the problem with being the outsider looking in is that sometimes you fail to see the context. meaning that Naruto has a SHIT TON of just. objective incorrect ideas of why certain things are the way they are. and it's not his fault– his conclusions are completely logical with what he has on hand, but the point is that he doesn't have all the information and he never does, on the outside. meaning: Naruto is a walking talking version of using the wrong equation on your math test and getting the right answer. he has to reverse engineer all this shit! and especially when it comes to jutsu, what's behind the product isn't obvious.
and now we come to the reason i actually made this post. the ridiculous, funny misconceptions i have headcanoned that naruto has, not the heartbreaking rage enducing ones.
the raw meat shame tax. so naruto eats raw meat (because no one has told him that eating raw meat = becoming ill, but he has kurama to take care of that anyway) if he's hungry enough or can't be bothered to cook it. but one time someone came across him during raw meat mealtime and reacted in horror and disgust. then naruto notices that sushi is like. super expensive despite how easy it is to catch fish and that cooked fish is cheaper as well in restaurants. SO naruto comes to the conclusion that eating raw meat must be shameful and taboo and something that can only be done alone or with close family in private BUT people like playing with the taboo so you can have sushi (which has non-raw meat elements to make it less scandalous) at restaurants AS LONG AS you pay an 'eating raw meat in public' tax. this is my most ridiculous headcanon and i love it to bits. like. i believe that out of all of the funny misconceptions naruto has, THIS is the one that is so baffling that it makes sakura just. give up. she leaves the room and walks directly into the Naka river.
what??? is?? the??? difference?? between?? girl?? and?? boy??? look. naruto knows that people can have different equipment: he lives in a bad part of town and is constantly eavesdropping on people. he doesn't just know that people have different equipment, he knows what sex is by the time he's 6. but naruto thinks that it can't be based on that because it's too stupid. like, if it were based on that, why would people cover up that part of themselves and treat it like taboo in public? it would make it really hard to tell who's a girl and who's a boy. naruto keeps coming up with shit and then disproving it over the years and is still unsure. but he nows knows he CANNOT ask people whether they're a boy or a girl because they will get mad.
which leads into clothes/hair aren't gender-specific but they ARE clan or occupation specific. Naruto does show up to class wearing dresses on multiple occasions and doesn't understand why Ino is extra mad at him those times. However the first time he sees someone with a haircut similar to sasuke's he's like 'that's not allowed! he's not part of your clan!' and it takes two hours to for sasuke to find out what the fuck dobe was talking about–
doesn't know what a library due date is. the library doesn't know who stole all the various craft/cooking books that have illustrated steps but they're never getting them back.
unintentional poison eating. naruto's cooking is.... so poisonous. he has eaten everything that looks like it could be eaten in the forest and if it doesn't make him sick then he deems him safe. there are SO many things that naruto forages that would straight up kill anybody else. naruto tries to share his food with team 7 one time because that's love and care babyyy!! and then there's ten minutes of screaming where sasuke and sakura genuinely think this was a murder attempt.
if someone leaves stuff unattended in public for more than half an hour then it's up for grabs and no longer stealing. this is how he gets most of his plants. and his bags. and his winter jacket. also his shoes. this is also how he garners even more hate from the village.
anyone above the age of seven can budget, haggle and save money. Naruto has been living on his own since he was four and he's been in charge of his own budget since then. he is merciless with money because he has to be and thinks that it is a normal thing for children to be capable of since he's doing it just fine after some trial and error. Naruto grudgingly thinks kakashi is smart for trying to foist the bill for ramen off on him every time by disappearing (good way to save money– don't be there when the bill arrives) but ALL of that goodwill evaporates when they go on a mission and kakashi spends the whole budget in the first week. also the image of naruto talking about finances with his teammates in a 'you know how it is' manner in and getting blank fucking stares back is hysterical. however sasuke is in legitimate danger of naruto dragging him through budget boot camp if naruto finds out that sasuke, the fucking clan head-in-waiting of the uchiha, is filthy rich and doesn't know anything about money.
there are three sets of teeth and if you lose an adult tooth you grow it back. this is (unintentionally) kurama's fault actually. naruto ends up with three sets of teeth: useless little baby teeth that he have fully lost by 6, child teeth (which are actually human adult teeth) that are fully lost by 12 and then "adult teeth." "Adult teeth" are nightmarish and are somewhere in between fox and human teeth. and if he loses an adult tooth naruto will grow it back sometime between a week and a month after he lost it.
team seven has never been more confused.
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You guys wanna hear about the Festelcan because I am ready to discuss the Festelcan!
Festelcan are an alien race native to Vytas, an earth-like planet with one main landmass that hosts a variety of different environments and lifeforms. They have long bodies, short legs, large eyes with no visible pupils, retractable claws, long pointed ears, and pitch black skin contrasted with brightly colored markings.
They can be mistaken for dragons, but Festelcan are not considered true dragons.
There are four different varieties of Festelcan; fire, storm, toxic, and ice. All have unique traits that allow them to thrive in different parts of the supercontinent.
A more in-depth look provided under the cut. Note that things are subject to change.
Festelcan themselves are omnivores, and typically eat anything in their environment, be it plant, animal, or even ore.
They have what we consider long lifespans, often living around 150 to 200 years. They reproduce very infrequently, and only have one pup at a time. Pups are born blind, deaf, and lacking any ornamentation or wings. Pups are typically raised by their parents, although it's encouraged for the rest of the community to pitch in and help, too. Once they reach young adulthood at around 18-20 years they'll cocoon themselves and develop into their adult form, adorned with functioning wings, horns, spines, manes, etc. Sometimes this transformation happens early, though it is extremely rare and often a sign that something is wrong.
Most Festelcan live in the southern portion of the supercontinent, the exception being the Ice Festelcan, who live up north, separated from everyone else.
Festelcan occupy four main regions that also serve as nations, and each region typically is dominated by a specific type of Festelcan.
FIRE FESTELCAN
Fire Festelcan, live mostly in Scorchrocks, a quite barren region located around a massive volcano on the western side of the supercontinent.
They commonly sport orange, yellow, and red markings, with spots being quite common. All adults have wings, and oftentimes horns, spikes, and spines. Fire Festelcan are also on average the largest Festelcan variant.
They can withstand extremely high temperatures, being immune to being burnt by fire and lava. They also produce a very hot stream of fire from their mouths, which is an excellent weapon against other Festelcan types.
They eat the ores and other minerals that are located within the volcano. They'll take any prey where they can get it, but the fauna that does exist is either massive and extremely dangerous, or small and escapes with ease. The few plants that thrive here are too tough and taste horrible to the Fire Festelcan.
Scorchrocks is ruled by a queen, and the role is typically passed down to her daughters. It's said that the first queen was chosen after she had saved her people from an unusually large infernal worm, large invertebrates that prey on Festelcan. Ever since then, it's been tradition for princesses to prove their worth by taking on an infernal worm in combat. If they fail, they are barred from being queen. This tradition has its critics, some deeming it too risky to send an heir to possibly die, especially if there is no one to take her place. In the event the current queen does die and leaves no heirs, with no female relatives that can be chosen instead, the people will vote on a new queen.
Festelcan as a species just aren't big on clothes, especially Scorchrocks residents, but the Festelcan of Scorchrocks do love one particular thing: Jewelry. Scorchrocks is full of precious gems that Fire Festelcan simply adore. They're excavated by miners and given to craftsmen to turn into the most exquisite jewelry on Vytas. Scorchrocks will trade their jewelry with other regions. Jewelry is seen as a status symbol, the more you have to wear, the more well off, important, and respected you are. The queen, for instance, typically covers her horns, neck, tail, and ears with the most high-quality of gems.
Scorchrocks isn't the best region for building structures for housing. Wood will burn if used, and the rocks aren't much better as building materials. Volcanic eruptions and other events can totally destroy anything they do successfully build. So, the Festelcan of Scorchrocks carve out elaborate tunnel systems underground. Their homes may not be comfortable for most, but Fire Festelcan find the hot, rocky tunnels plenty cozy.
STORM FESTELCAN
Storm Festelcan mostly live in Rainhigh, a large cloud forest just east of Scorchrocks. This region sees a lot of precipitation. That, combined with the high altitudes and thick fog make Storm Festelcan feel right at home. There are also small numbers of Fire and Toxic Festelcan who live here, though Toxic Festelcan are more common, since they find Rainhigh more comfortable.
Storm Festelcan typically come in different shades of blue, pink, and purple. Markings vary wildly but patterns resembling rain or lightning bolts are common. Adults may have antler-like horns, manes, fins, and barbels or tendrils. Adults can also fly, not needing wings to do so.
They thrive in bad weather. They are immune to being electrocuted and can control storms to an extent. They can't summon storms, but when storms do pass by Rainhigh, they are able to manipulate them. Some Storm Festelcan can control the winds, others the rain, and quite a few can use the storms to summon lightning bolts. They usually cannot control multiple things at once. Additionally, Storm Festelcan have breath attacks that they can use at any time. They either can spew powerful blasts of wind, beams of electricity, or spray jets of pressurized water.
There are a few species of plant in Rainhigh which bear fruit that Storm Festelcan find irresistible. There's plenty of small animals that they can also try their luck with, and a river located at the base of the mountains provide lots of aquatic life that Storm Festelcan eat regularly.
Rainhigh is ruled by a council of five Storm Festelcan, four councilors who typically make the rules and an archcouncilor who oversees everything. Councilors and Archcouncilors are voted in by the people and stay in power until they either die or retire. Archcouncilors break ties when the rest of the council cannot make a decision, and they meet with leaders of other regions while the councilors stay behind.
Storm Festelcan are often skilled artists. Rainhigh is home to painters, sculptors, musicians, and more. Music in particular is very popular, and Storm Festelcan have a variety of different genres, to gentle, graceful songs that incorporate rain or wind to bombastic, energetic songs that incorporate thunder and lightning. They dance a lot, too, usually by performing elaborate aerial maneuvers or busting it down on the ground.
Rainhigh is filled with towers, open plazas, and and several kinds of housing. Many entrances are located above the ground, only accessible by flight. Because only adult Storm Festelcan can fly, most buildings have at least one accessible entrance for youngsters. They typically use dried plants, similar to straw as bedding.
Rainhigh is currently at war with Scorchrocks over territory, and while the fighting is growing increasing unpopular by civilians, their leaders continue the battling anyway.
TOXIC FESTELCAN
Toxic Festelcan mostly live in Greendepths, a dense jungle south of Scorchrocks and Rainhigh. It's filled with giant trees and little to no sunlight.
Toxic Festelcan are the lightest, most agile Festelcan variants. They are longer and thinner than the others, with adults sporting flexible spines and fins that let them glide around with ease. Their markings come in any bright color, they have prehensile tails, the largest eyes and best night vision of any Festelcan type, and they have both fangs to inject venom and a throat pouch so they can spray venom too. Even their flesh is mildly poisonous. They are speedy, excellent climbers, and can maneuver through Greendepths better than anyone else. Other Festelcan find them kind of off-putting and a bit intimidating. If they could fly, they'd be considered the most horrifying Festelcan on the planet.
Greendepths hosts many organisms besides the Toxic Festelcan who are either poisonous or venomous. Toxic Festelcan, being immune to both venom and poison of nearly any kind, do not care and simply eat anything they get their claws on. They are quite the chefs, and absolutely love creating exquisite dishes. Unfortunately other Festelcan will likely be poisoned by most of what they make and it's very hard to test what is and isn't safe without killing people.
Greendepths usually has two monarchs at a time. Toxic Festelcan aren't Matriarchal like the Fire Festelcan of Scorchrocks so gender doesn't matter. Both monarchs share the same duties, making decisions for Greendepths together. When a monarch dies or retires a new monarch is voted in.
The residents of Greendepths live in large tree houses, constructed out of wood. Rarely do they have their homes on the ground. The outside of their tree houses usually have "handles" that jut out so it's easier for the Festelcan, especially pups, to grab onto.
Greendepths never gets involved with whatever conflicts Scorchrocks and Rainhigh have. They readily trade with both nations, and no one is willing to start fights with Greendepths, as both Scorchrocks and Rainhigh are kind of terrified of it and it's inhabitants.
ICE FESTELCAN
The other Festelcan do not know that Ice Festelcan even exist. They live in the northernmost parts of Vytas, cut off from the other Festelcan types, in the frigid Everfreeze region.
Ice Festelcan are the shortest, stockiest Festelcan variety. They have pale, jagged markings, usually white, grey, or light blue, smaller ears, shorter legs, more body fat, and ice-like spines. Most Festelcan cannot tolerate the cold very well, but Ice Festelcan thrive and feel right at home in it, being immune to freezing to death. They can breathe freezing beams of ice from their mouths, and they possess webbed paws, giving them the best swimming ability of any Festelcan type. They can hold their breaths significantly longer than other Festelcan. They cannot fly or glide.
Everfreeze has little to no plant or animal life, being a barren icy landscape all the time. Everything the Ice Festelcan eat comes from the ocean. They dive to great depths to hunt, and often hunt cooperatively to bring down large game to feed as many people as possible. This is, however, very dangerous, as the waters here are filled with massive marine predators that will happily prey on careless Ice Festelcan. One of which is the Polar Worm, a relative of the Infernal Worm. Polar Worms are purely aquatic, and terrorize the Ice Festelcan as much as the Infernal Worm terrorizes the Fire Festelcan.
Everfreeze doesn't have a set leader or group of leaders. The majority of the population is divided into smaller villages, comprised of one to a few families and some unrelated individuals. The oldest members make decisions for their village. The Ice Festelcan are not unified in the way the other Festelcan are. There isn't that much major conflict between villages, most of it typically being family drama, as they don't fight over resources.
Since freezing to death is not an issue, even for newborn Ice Festelcan, housing isn't as big of an issue to them as it would be to other Festelcan. Most Ice Festelcan simply dig out burrows in the snow or ice, to hide themselves from the few terrestrial predators that may pose a threat to them. There are several villages that choose to make huts out of the bones, armor, and hide of their prey instead.
Many Ice Festelcan have tried to explore South of Everfreeze, but they do not handle warmer temperatures very well and every attempt led to them turning back. Who knows what would have happened if they had managed to find the other Festelcan nations?
OTHER INFO
Festelcan as a whole have only been around for a few thousand years.
Festelcan are basically still in the stone age. They don't have any forms of technology and are not space faring.
Festelcan did not evolve on Vytas. They didn't really evolve at all, actually. Festelcan are not a natural species and were instead created and then planted onto Vytas. They do not know this.
The Storm Festelcan considered Cerulean a terrifying anomaly. When she was a pup, her mentor had been teaching her to use her powers, and her electricity badly wounded him. The council quickly got involved and the archcouncilor, Shockjaw, was fearful of her power and wanted her dead. Cerulean's parents tried to defend her but Shockjaw murdered them both, chasing Cerulean deep into the forest before he lost her. He had hoped she died, but in reality she was saved and transported off world by Krim. Cerulean was presumed dead.
Shockjaw had tried to convince everyone that Cerulean was too dangerous to be kept alive, and hid the truth of her parents' murders. Downpour, Cerulean's former mentor, doesn't believe that she should have been killed, but the council silences and threatens him everytime he attempts to defend her.
Cerulean however, has held a grudge ever since, and plans to enact her revenge.
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