#this is practically a diary entry

[the-cookie-of-doom]

Pregnant Kim anon here again, please know that after I sent that I decided to “warm up” by outlining an entire fic and didn’t get any novel writing done lol. I would love a snippet full of ANGST because I think Kim deserves it right now for what he’s done to my brain

asdfjhagsdjfh VALID! ALL OF THAT IS VALID!

Here is your angst, my darling. I realized I actually don't have a ton of the pregnancy itself written yet, so here's a little bit (lol. it's over 1k, I got carried away) that happens soon after the birth. Kim has horrible post-partum depression thanks to everything that happens in this fic. TW for graphic description of depression and implied suicidal ideation

Chay entered the bedroom to find Kim beneath the covers still, at nearly three in the afternoon. Curled up on his side, tears steadily leaking from the corner of his eye every time he blinked, making a wet spot on the pillow beneath his cheek. He wasn’t even really crying. His eyes were just wet, and that wetness was dripping, and Kim had long since given up on trying to stop it. 

Chay didn’t ask, are you okay? Because he already knew what the answer would be. Instead he climbed onto the bed and spooned up behind Kim, and asked him, “What are you thinking about?”

“It’s not real.”

“What isn’t?”

“This. The depression. All of it. It feels real. It feels awful. But it isn’t. It’s just hormones and chemicals. It’s not me.” Kim didn’t sniffle, or sob, or sigh. His voice didn’t change from the even, monotonous quality it always had when he was trying not to feel. He just breathed. Closed his eyes against a fresh wave of tears, not that it did anything to halt their fall. “I thought once it was over, everything would be okay. I would be free. But it’s never going to stop, is it? There’s no normal for me to go back to. Just this.”

“P’Kim—” Chay’s voice cracked. He swallowed back what sounded like the beginnings of a sob and buried his face in the back of Kim’s neck. Weeks of exposure to Kim’s moods hasn’t made them any easy to handle, not least of all because he knew there’s nothing for him to do. He couldn’t take away this pain. “Please don’t talk like that. It is going to be okay. This isn’t forever. The doctor said it would take at least a month for your medicine to start working—it has to build up in your system, remember? Then everything will be okay.”

Kim didn’t say that the antidepressants only made him feel worse. Blunted him. Blurred any scrap of goodness he could cling too, until it was part of the same empty haze as everything else. He didn’t say that there was no drug strong enough to mask the bone-deep repulsion he felt every time he cradled his daughter to his breast to nurse. Nothing that could make him forget her conception when the pain of her birth was a constant reminder. He didn’t say anything at all. 

Chay squeezed his arm around Kim’s middle, between his aching, swollen breasts, and his aching, swollen incision. Squeezed tight enough that it should have hurt if Kim were capable of feeling anything at all. 

“You’re scaring me, P’Kim,” Chay whispered, holding Kim so tight he could hardly breathe. That was alright. He didn’t need to breathe. 

“I love you, Chay. Thank you for staying with me. I… I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner. Or that I did, I shouldn’t have—right before—” Before he nearly died. He shouldn’t have said it then. In what he thought were his last moments, he needed Chay to know. But it was selfish to let those be his last words to the boy. 

“Thank you for telling me. I’m glad you did. And I love you, too, P’Kim, so much. You are so, so loved, and someday soon, all of this is going to be better, okay? You just have to hold on until then.” Chay’s voice turned near-manic as it fully dawned on him just what he was bargaining for. “Promise me, Kim. Promise me you won’t leave again.”

“I promise.” A mechanical admission in that dull voice, but no less true. Kim found Chay’s hand where it was pressed over his beating heart and laced their fingers together. 

Kim knew Chay would no doubt tell their brothers about his alarming mood, and they would no doubt take him back to the doctor. He knew about the lists Chay had printed out and hidden away in his desk, spread across three pages and outlining the symptoms of baby blues, postpartum depression, and psychosis, with little checked boxes to track him. He’d filled out nearly half the page for depression before ever leaving the hospital. 

Kim wondered how many ticks he got on the last page before they took him away for good. Before they took his daughter away. Maybe they should; she would no doubt be better off without him. He hadn’t even wanted to keep her. Had nearly bled out moments after meeting her. Maybe it was a sign he wasn’t meant to have her at all. 

“Make sure Kiah’s taken care of,” Kim said softly, his face half-buried in the pillows. “I can’t—I’m not good for her. If I can’t take care of her, you’ll find someone who will, won’t you?” Kim went through too much to bring her into this world, he wouldn’t let her suffer for his own unwillingness to give her up, if that’s what it took to offer a better life. 

Behind him, Chay swallowed thickly. 

“Of course, P’Kim. I’ll make sure she’s always safe and loved.” 

The weight that’s been hung around Kim’s shoulders since he made the decision to bring Kiah home finally lifted, a relief he didn’t know he needed. He sighed and sank back into Chay’s warm embrace, the tension finally melting out of his body, and squeezed the hand still lying over his heart. 

“You’re safe and loved, too,” Chay said. “You have me, and Porsche, and your brothers, and P’Pol, and P’Arm, and P’Big. We’re all going to make sure both of you are safe and loved and taken care of. I won’t leave you alone again, P’Kim. Not ever.”

Kim didn’t doubt it. He never had. All this time, Chay’s love—the love of his family—has been an unwavering presence, cutting through the misery that’s cloaked him these last nine months. Kim didn’t know how to express that to Chay. That there was nothing to worry about. Kim wouldn’t hurt himself, with or without their constant supervision. He didn’t want to. He was only acknowledging the unrelenting misery he felt every waking moment, and accepting that it would likely follow him for the rest of his life. He didn’t prefer it, but he knew it was inevitable that these feelings would continue to be his constant companions. 

However he may feel, Kim knew he owed it to his daughter to be the best father he could be for her. And if his best wasn’t good enough, he would find someone that could give her what she deserved. Even still, Kim appreciated the reassurance. Appreciated Chay, for the way the younger boy has stayed at his side for so long, seen him through so much horror and heartbreak, and would show that appreciation however he could. Even if the most he could do was hold his hand and promise not to leave.

[julykings]

by candlelight

[vulcanette]

went on a knight’s quest… to obtain a holy relic.. many perils met on my way, perils, obstacles. annoyances. many miles traveled, however, I return home victorious

[liwaj]

face reveal?

self-portait, quick photo study

https://open.spotify.com/track/11sSvwrDX5BBUhbBZRKUxy?si=APw3D_UESf-c9d8fwhSbVA&context=spotify%3Atrack%3A11sSvwrDX5BBUhbBZRKUxy

[ignitelimelight]

I may have girlbossed too close to the sun and made myself look presentable on paper to the point that a disability lawyer won't take my case. Which is funny because, like my girlbossing despite being nonbinary, it seems i've distilled the complexity and nuance of my particular disability into something palatable. And palatable does not get disability.

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

underrated shb urianger character detail is that he's successfully counter-scammed the pixies into regularly preparing afternoon tea for him. also explains why he survived that long in il mheg. he's beating them at their own game

[shitty-check-please-aus]

the wedding I went to recently did make me understand the whole “get a second dress for the reception” thing, the dramatic beautiful dress was great for the ceremony but the bride was having really impeded by it even when it was all bustled up. People kept stepping on it, I’m sure she was overheating. I would want to be able to dance freely if that was me

[flanneryculp]

flan + basic eight friendship moments that make me lose my mind:

douglas telling flan he loves her and flan literally making a squeaking sound like a mouse

kate holding flan's bloody hand after she killed adam. flan writes that kate's hand is tiny.

flan tells her friends that even if she had told someone what happened with carr, no one would have believed her. they all quietly and sincerely reassure her that they would have.

flan pocketing objects that are close to her friends and keeping them in a shelf in her closet.

The Photograph

gabriel struggling to open the car door for flan, flan not minding having to wait because the night sky is so beautiful

everything

[halfbit]

me staring at this stupid ai website google led me to while i was trying to find references/tutorials. incoherently. tempted to log into instagram again just to get inspiration from my old horror art mutuals but i also do not care about digging up my password again and i wouldn't be surprised if some of them have moved stuff off there by now

[sophiesonlinediary]

my ranking of hit me hard and soft ✩♬ ₊˚.💙

birds of a feather

the greatest

wildflower

lunch

chihiro

skinny

blue

bittersuite

l’amour de ma vie

the diner

this is after my first listen!

[angelcloves]

just got an ad for 'notepad' as if the same shitty diary app hasnt followed me over six phones and three laptops

[themuseoftheviolets]

the concept of a learner's permit is so wild to me

[gillianthecat]

>> Headache, dizziness and nausea are mostly gone, hooray!

>> Gonna spend the afternoon cleaning. Made this post is my lock screen and home screen again as a reminder.

>> Committing to 4 hours of concerted effort.

>> Then gonna reward myself with watching Be My Favorite so I can read what y'all have said about this week's episode.

>> Then actually reward myself with more Step by Step.

I'm feeling this temptation to write a post about celebrity shipping, and people believing the assumptions and stories they make up about celebrities' feelings, sexualities and relationships. (This is inspired by a few posts I saw about other types of famous people, not BL actors.) But I will resist, mostly because it's a distraction and less because I'm trying to be nice. But I will say this: if you are out here yelling about how such and such KPop idol is obviously queer because of the color of the emojis they post and people who don't believe this are homophobes, and yet I don't see you supporting Holland, an actual out queer kpop idol... Well. I will be side-eyeing you very hard.

[eoinmcgonigal]

Unit: 1 SAS Commanding Officer: Lt. R. Barb

WAR DIARY or SHELTER IN THE SHADE

Place: AO3 Date: 22 July 2023 Summary of Events and Information: Johnny Cooper /Eoin McGonigal, canon AU, first kiss . With a little nudge from Lieutenant Mayne, Johnny gets closer to McGonigal . Remarks: Teen. No Archive Warnings Apply. Reference to Appendix: Appendix 230722/SITS

[skitskatdacat63]

I'm reading those Seb diary archives, which is fun, especially bcs half of them are German and I'm surprised w myself that I can mostly understand them(I'm still learning!) And omg just got to the infamous Turkey 2010, SO BITCHY! Basically him being like "yep oopsies you guys all saw what happened" but the best is him saying "Nevertheless: I didn't make a mistake, I was much faster than Mark", bros been preparing the "I was racing, I was faster, I passed him, I won" line since 2010 I swear LOL

[shishiikura]

It's sooooo nice to take the day off and get notifications for meetings I would otherwise have to attend but I don't have to cuz I am not working <3