#this is the day i start vague-posting about my life on tumblr dot com

[remindingpersephone]

Curveballs

When life gives you . . . stitches? So I had to have a cyst removed from my back and it was a big boy, so it took 13 stitches to close that hole up (there are so many jokes here). The doc said no lifting, no stretching, because stitches on the back (it's actually closer to shoulder) can rip easily. Since I can't get into the pool - healing wound = no soaking - and it's 9,823 degrees outside so no walking, my living room workouts are the only option. But when I do those it's a lot of arm flailing and improvising because I cannot follow choreography to save my life.

Now, there was a time when I would have used these restrictions as an excuse to completely abandon my fitness goals. I would stop all cardio, sit on the couch, eat way too many brownies, and totally derail my fitness progress.

But this time was different. I've kept up with all lower body strength workouts, and for cardio I bought an under-the-desk, mini-bike-peddle machine. Now, no one is going to mistake this for a real bike. But let me tell you I have gotten my heart rate way the hell up on that little thing. And I can keep my upper body stabile so as not to rip those stitches.

I've also been trying out intermittent fasting, although it didn't really start out with that as the goal. I wanted to see if I was eating because I was hungry, or just out of habit/schedule/when I thought I should eat. Also, my 6:30am breakfasts were starting to feel like habit instead of hunger. So I stopped eating until I was actually hungry. Turns out I'm not really hungry until about 11:30 AM. I also stopped eating after 8PM at night. I had always been a late dinner and even later dessert/snacker. Not only has eating mostly between the hours of 11:30am and 7:30pm helped my digestion, it's lowered my overall calorie intake. It's also making me stop and really think if I'm actually hungry before I eat. Do I need that snack or am I just bored? Do I need that treat or am I just emotional? I know the word "intuitive" is over-used these days, but that's pretty much what I did.

Now, I know tomorrow or next week this could all change. I am a person who not only embraces change, but seeks it out. I am always changing things up in small and large ways. Sometimes routines work for me and sometimes they don't. I'm getting better at not trying to force myself to do things just because the generally accepted wisdom says I should. Or the current trends are encouraging this thing or that thing.

Since we're talking about health, I will tell you I've cut way back on my social media consumption. It just got to a point where I was internalizing a lot of what I was reading and watching, and as we all know, a lot of what's on social media is negative. That negativity was having a bigger effect on me than I realized. Until that over-exposure was gone, I couldn't make the connection on some unexpected effects it was having. Sorry, I'm not intentionally trying to be vague. I just can't really explain it other than to say reducing my exposure to the ugliness and fear that perpetuates even Tumblr and Instagram has had a positive effect on my state of mind. This is a long and rambly way of me saying I'm sorry if I haven't been hearting and commenting on my mutuals posts like I once had. I try to pop in when I can, and I really do read what I heart. I just can't consume it at the rate I once did. But please know that I am always here for DMs and you can email me at anindependentguinevere {at} g mail dot com anytime you want to chat or need support. I am here for that always.

Wow, that was way longer than I intended. Hugs and kisses to those you who made it all the way through. Now let's go get some ice cream!

[whorientexpress]

hey me remember when we decided to mute that one person that way you wouldn't see things that they vague-post about you to hurt you specifically

well then why do you keep checking in on their account eh bud?

[asleepinawell]

How has poi changed your life? Genuinely curious, I love this show

I got this ask in May '20 and am only now answering it. :')

part of the problem with answering it is that half of the answer would be to the question of 'how has fandom changed your life' where poi is the fandom I've been the most active in and where fandom made the most difference. and that's a long story

my first draft of this was over 2k words long, and went back much further in time explaining how i had and hadn’t fit into queer spaces and fandom throughout my life. I edited it way back but it’s still long-ish, so you can read it below the break

many years ago, when I got my first full time job in my chosen industry my senior year of college I was so busy that I couldn't function. massive unhealthy amounts of overtime and a toxic work environment. (don't work at tech start-ups, kids!!!) my social life vanished. strikethrough on livejournal happened right then too and fandom, which i’d only been a silent participant in at that point, kind of went quiet for a while and by the time it started regrouping I was so busy that I didn't know about it. several awful years later I quit my job, spent several months in my room in my parents' house trying to recover from massive burn out (see my comment about tech start-ups), and then got a job on the opposite coast and left behind my whole circle of friends some of whom made up my entire connection to the queer community at that time.

making friends after college is very hard when you're an introvert and just generally don't like socializing that much. making queer friends can be even harder since there's fewer places to meet them and there's often an underlying question of dating/sex that hovers around awkwardly when sometimes what you want is just an absolutely no romo/no sex friendship. so while I did make a few queer friends eventually, I didn't have that same sort of community I did before I'd moved and I missed it

(I would be remiss in not saying that the queer friends i made in this time are all amazing and wonderful and some are still my close friends and very important to me. The thing I’m highlighting here was the lack of feeling like I was part of a larger queer community).

fast forward a bit. I get sick. like really really sick. I'm in and out of the ER, I'm missing tons of work, I'm mostly bed-ridden. I think after the last few years people can more easily appreciate how intensely lonely and surreal being stuck at home by yourself non stop can be when you're not used to it. sometime right before that I'd joined tumblr for the sole purpose of looking at cat pictures on my phone during boring meetings. I wasn't really aware that this was where fandom had migrated to (it was in fact possible to use tumblr without intersecting with fandom). but stuck home alone with time to kill I started looking for art and gifs of the tv and games I was consuming and stumbled into fandom tumblr and specifically queer femslash fandom.

I kind of poked around the territory and eventually fell into the carmilla fandom which became the first fandom I actually created content for. a few of my fics had a decent audience and while I was never part of the central core of the fandom I made some good friends there. some of y'all probably followed me back then. I eventually drifted away from carmilla for a lot of reasons I won't get into and stumbled right into poi. this would have been between seasons 4 and 5, late 2015-early 2016.

my health problems get more exciting and I end up in the hospital. I have vague memories of watching poi on my laptop in my hospital bed (vague because I was on a lot of morphine). I actually posted some fic while I was in the hospital (would have been the end of my carmilla run still).

and I get out of the hospital (early 2016) and am somewhat better but it's pretty clear that I'm going to have chronic health issues probably for the rest of my life. my social life, such as it was, was mostly dead, a lot of stuff I used to do for fun was much harder to manage. I'm still spending a ton of time at home (not even counting covid) and I have bad days where I feel terrible and can't do much. but I'll come back to that

I think most of us remember 2016. the year tv show runners fully embraced the bury your gays trope (and sometimes the fridging trope at the same time as a bonus!) and, by autostraddle's tally, 30 queer female characters in tv shows died. and then on top of that we had the actual real world tragedy of the pulse nightclub shootings. it was a massively depressing time all around for queer people

s5 of poi aired that year. I know people have different opinions on s5 of poi, and that's valid. I hated it. and I really intensely hated how it treated root and shaw. there aren't enough words to express how fucking angry I was after s5. or rather, there are 319,678 words.

I wrote a fic many of you may have read called sliding towards chaos that rewrote the entirety of poi from mid-s3 onwards. it got pretty popular lol. I put so much into writing it, too. it was basically a second full time job for me and a great way to take my mind off the fact I was still having health problems and all the crazy shit going on in the world (we had a presidential election in the US in 2016 :)))) it did not go well!)

i'm very proud of writing stc, and even if I think it isn't my strongest writing (which is good! improving over time is good!), it was what really connected me to a lot of other people in the fandom. I felt part of the fandom community in a way I hadn't with carmilla and it was an intensely queer community built around shared interests

one of the problems with finding queer friend groups out in the 'real world' is you're often gathering to meet based on the uniting factor of being queer, and your interests may vary greatly. fandom is amazing because it lets you find queer people who you share all these interests with and who you can bond with over them and collaborate with and that's just so so important. does fandom have a ton of issues and toxicity and bigotry? yes, absolutely. but it also has so much good to offer

through stc and later fics I became close friends with some really really cool people in the fandom (including my favorite writer and my favorite artist). these are people I'm still very close friends with. some of them I've hung out with offline and the ones I haven't are mostly because they live too far away. after years of not having my own queer circle of friends I have found one again and one I can usually participate in even with my health problems and that is such an important thing to me

on a creative front, the fic writing and the gif making I've done have both taught me an enormous amount and been a very positive part of my life. working collaboratively on comics has been one of the coolest things I've done. there is just so much good that came out of me seeing one shoot gif on tumblr dot com years ago and being like hmm looks gay I'm in

and in terms of the actual content of the show, I think a lot of the reason I was drawn to it (other than my lingering crush on fred from angel) was that root and shaw felt so uniquely and wonderfully queer in a way few f/f ships I'd seen had before. shaw being bi and reading as aro to me (I've talked about that here) and root being a chaotic computer nerd just felt so relatable to me and their relationship with each other made sense to me in a way that few others had. and the specific draw that they had for some fans probably has a lot to do with why I found friends in this fandom who I really clicked with

so yeah. I don't know how to sum this up. fandom can be a great way to find your people and engage your creativity and I think that's very sexy

[florbelles]

all of G & Y for the queen of new vegas, baby 😈🔥

thank you legend!!

— G. GORGEOUS.

i. what is their most attractive external feature?

it’s not something joss has given a lot of thought; she always understood that she was considered beautiful, and that usually meant she was bait for unsuspecting travelers who would stay at her father’s shack of an inn. the appeal is all in the facial composition, though — she didn’t have clean hair or skin or pre-war clothes, then.

ii. what is the most attractive part of their personality?

she learned early on how to manipulate people by saying the right thing, asking the right questions. dispensing the appropriate amount of approval at the opportune moment, withholding it just long enough to make it feel earned. to someone intimately familiar with how she operates, it’s not necessarily a charming attribute, but it’s what gets her what she needs and what draws people in to begin with

she’s also funny as hell, if your tastes run to the morbid or at the expense of others.

iii. what benefits come with being their friend?

she will not put out a hit on you!

full benefits of all her connections. an act if you want it. resources if you need them. the run of the strip and goodwill in freeside. exemption from getting kicked out of the tops if you’re winning too much ( swank hates this one ).

iv. what parts of them do they like and dislike?

well, she thinks she’s hilarious, thanks. she likes that she’s ruthless and cutthroat; it doesn’t really occur to her that she shouldn’t have to be, she just appreciates that it serves her, that it’s how she survived this long. she likes the way she looks; she’s not vain, but she likes the advantage it gives her. she’s proud of the fact that almost everything she knows is self-taught.

she dislikes that she’s so embittered, that she can’t let anything go. she didn’t really think about it when it was driving her — she’s going to get away from her father, she’s going to find her sisters, she’s going to ( from her perspective ) free new vegas — but when she’s left as a rebel without a cause she just has to sit with it, and she hates that. not enough to talk about it or do anything with it, even with her closest confidants she’ll never feel free to show what she perceives as weakness or vulnerability that way, but still. she wishes it were different, sometimes ( which, perhaps ironically, leaves her even more embittered and usually drives her out of vegas to go wander the wastes before she misdirects it more than she already has; she already slaughtered the strip once, she can’t do it again, it didn’t rid her of her anger last time ).

v. what parts of others do they envy?

relatedly, she envies anyone who is ( comparatively ) without baggage, insofar as that exists in the wastes, less in the sense of what’s happened to them but how they’ve coped with it and processed it. people who can be satisfied with what they have, who don’t have an anger or restlessness that consumes them. she thinks sometimes she would have been happier roaming the wastes all her life, and she envies those who do, to an extent, but that’s a thought she has the luxury to have when she actually has security & companionship for the first time in her life ( which she does not, in fact, walk away from despite technically having the option, so the insincerity of that envy is apparent even to her, if she’s being honest with herself ). is the appeal of the idea partly that benny absolutely abhors it to the point of bumping off others for harboring these potentially dangerous sentiments? yes. almost entirely.

— Y. YOU.

i. how old were you when you created them?

twenty-one. she was older than i was at the time. i now understand she is a fetus.

ii. what inspired you to create them?

unlike some of my other characters, joss was originally purely the result of in-game choices and mechanics. i just wanted a real bitch of a courier, not initially from the perspective of a fleshed out character but in the sense that she would take every chaotic asshole option available. lose to ringo at caravan? shoot him. end up shooting the whole entire bar and being the butcher of goodsprings. get villified by the ncr before even reaching primm. boone won’t speak to her because of this. break into his hotel room. shoot him. kill jeannie anyway because she found the receipts. shoot that guy who won the legion lottery because she thinks it’s an actual lottery and he’s gonna have cash. nope. just open fire on vulpes & company.

i started to develop a loose moral code for her by the time i reached freeside and adjusted my gameplay accordingly, but that is, in fact, her tragic origin story.

iii. were they different when they were first created?

honestly, given the above writeup, not as much as you’d think. obviously she’s different in the sense that character/developmental/background reasons now exist for her behaviors and choices, and a few things have been tweaked accordingly, but those were more additions than revisions to the extremely vague concept that already existed. she’s the same old very evil karma bitch she ever was.

iv. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters?

i don’t know if i would say more, but she’s one of my favorites ( there are obviously other characters i write more frequently now, especially in terms of what actually gets posted to tumblr dot com, but i originally wrote for her a good deal ). in terms of gameplay and early-stage development, yes, by an absolute landslide. her first playthrough is probably to this day the most fun i’ve had in my first runthrough of a game.

v. what’s your favorite thing about them?

exactly her aforementioned origins, actually! she’s a loose canon in every sense, just a real liability, but she is, horrifyingly, running this shit now. she also lets me play with a lot of my favorite tropes ( the femme fatale, the dark messiah, god save us from the queen ).

[alittle-annihilation]

so i found my xanga (technically the back up now on wordpress, rest in peace xanga dot com) where i blogged/journaled from freshman year of high school to freshman year of college and just

wow

i wasnt sure if it was a good idea at first, especially considering the increasing frequency of flashbacks of the past and general terribly depressed mood as of late. but i was clearly feeling nostalgic as i was on xanga and then read every single entry.

it was heartwrenching watching it play out. but it also did not hurt as bad as i thought it would. my chest is tight and throbbing and i was holding it at one point, but i did not break down into a million pieces which i was almost certain for.

no instead it was like reading an old book where you know how it plays out, the main plot points you recall but not every single detail, but to see it relayed back to me through my voice from a decade ago. a reminder of exactly what was said and done.

whats been off putting about the flashbacks was how it was filling in pieces of my lost memories. and now reading this was an even bigger filler.

you can see where the entries go from things im up to - grades and teen spats and crushes and gossip - then suddenly every post is about hell. i still feel so bad for that version of me. you can see them breaking. the realization - but I feel as if hiding it will screw me over one day, and I’ll end up fucked up pretty badly in the future - the shift into loneliness, the growth of self loathing: the crumbling. all from the back and forth we're going we're staying we're leaving we're moving we're not budging we're separated we're together we're angry we're moving back we're divorced

it also chronicles my getting kicked out of high school, which has been weighing me down lately considering national political climate. you can see just how confused i was, just how baffled, and just how bullshit their entire argument was. with the perspective now... yeah that was fucked up.

i still wish i could have told my side and defended myself. but even now i still let the opportunities pass by.

it didn't hurt to the degree i thought i would, but i don't feel much lighter having read it. it's just facts of the past now i suppose. blogging about it felt approp

god that shit was fucked up but i have come a long way in the last 10+ years, even when there are some periods that don't feel like it.

other observations:

i both fully knew and also forgot just how obsessed i was with this basic ass white dude early on. yes i am cringing

every mention of tierra goes on to talk about how non-judgemental she is, which is how every single mention of tierra goes when i journal now. some things never change, and i am continually blessed to have her in my life.

at one point i refer to "Ms. Free Prom Dress Back Stabber with a Printer showed up with an ugly ass boyfriend and even uglier free prom dress" skfdjlafjkdsaljl OK YOUNGER ME WITH THE QUIPS. but also fuck her.

once i got on tumblr i started to cross post but i also was vague blogging so my posts literally go from naming everyone and their mother to evading an actual coherent topic that present jem is only semi picking up on

i was waaaaaaaaaaay more openly cocky and self inflating when i was a teen lmao "of course i won, i'm the more liked person of the two." screaming present me could never say that aloud

[ask-artsy-oncie]

So I’m kinda in a meh/apathetic headspace in regards to my mental health right now. Maybe it would be best to just let some thoughts out. 

Firstly, I do want to apologize for making stupid, borderline inflammatory posts and throwing them out there onto tumblr dot com, I know that’s never the best course of action. However, I really, really do not appreciate anons sending vague “are you okay”s at me. If you’re not close enough to me where you can’t PM me (relatively) face-to-face, then I really wouldn’t like random inquiries about my mental health from you. Maybe it’s just because I don’t 100% trust anons (I’ve been here for a decade, I’ve seen some shit, can you really blame me?) but I think I ought to make myself clear on that. Are we clear on that? cool. 

I don’t know... I’ve felt so lost and tired recently, moreso than usual.

I’ve always had a massive complex about annoying people, being too self-indulgent, not having good ideas or opinions or what-have-you. People who have known me for a while almost definitely know that. I don’t think it all necessarily exists in a vacuum, either I have a genuinely hard time coming up with objectively good ideas. Sometimes I’m just straight-up “head empty” mode. I’m also often really opinionated and sometimes intend to die on hills that people aren’t really meant to die on (or are even necessarily worth dying on). I can get way too wrapped up on meaningless things because my brain is too hyperfocused on this one thing, or maybe something I rely too heavily on for comfort is... I don’t know how to put it.... put at risk? Challenged? I have a lot of mental issues and real life issues, though I’m not claiming to be massively oppressed or anything, but I tend to cling to comforts a little too desperately. And I’m not just talking about like. Media. Just comforts in general. Sometimes I’ll spend too much of the day laying in bed. Sometimes I cling to old relationships or old forms of relationships or I constantly worry about the day I’ll inevitably no longer have the same relationships I have now. 

I’ve known I needed therapy for a while now. I’m waitlisted and everything, but I need to go about actually choosing a therapist to see and I’ve been dragging my feet on that so I guess that’s my bad. I’ll get to it. Shit’s overwhelming, yknow? 

Anyways I know I have a lot of these flaws and problems and I think my horrible anxieties about being too annoying and whatnot is just a really extreme form of self-reflection. Maybe. Not entirely sure. Maybe a therapist could tell me.

I get way too passionate, way too easily, and it’s almost always followed by a super intense period of shame, like, to the point where I’m desperate to isolate myself and destroy my relationships with other people, because then at least I’m actually trying to destroy a relationship by being a bad person, rather than someone leaving me for... I don’t know, being too happy? Caring too much? Talking too much? Just. Shit I have less control over. 

I’ve tried putting a cap on it, suppressing everything. Trying not to indulge too much, trying not to be so happy and talkative, straight-up deleting messages I think might be too annoying the second I send them. Trying to be inoffensive through being unnoticeable. I’m trying to do that now, honestly. It’s why I joked about deleting my blog. All it does is hurt and make me go fucking nuts because I’m bottling up a lot in doing that, I know. I’m just not fully convinced I don’t just deserve to feel that way.

There are a lot of points in my life where I’m convinced that my best course of action in succeeding or keeping people from being put-off by me is to just sit down and shut up and draw what I’m told to draw. To just completely lose my agency in drawing. It makes sense, when you feel like you don’t have any good ideas of your own, you just illustrate others’. And there are many, many points where I have done this out of a place of love. Fuck, most of what I’ve drawn for Lolly’s writing has come out of a place of genuine love, not just for her work, but for her. A lot of what I’ve drawn for Bethany (for any REAL long-time followers reading this) has been like that, too. But there are also points where it honestly just feels like my only purpose is to be a tool through which others may visualize their whims. That if I dare inject too much of myself into things, they’ll be permanently ruined. And then there’s the shame I feel in having wanted to impart a piece of myself into a work - a demerit for being too selfish or self-important to deem my whims anywhere near good or important enough to be included. 

I have so many ideas. So many opinions and thoughts and feelings and genuine insight that I’ve suppressed or deleted because I either feel like that’s what’s expected of me, or I’m straight-up told that my thoughts and opinions are bad and wrong. Like. Fuck me for having opinions on animated media levels of being shut-down. And you know, I’ve noticed something in the past decade of being an insufferable opinionated prick about things like that - that it’s actually easier for me to enjoy media when I’m allowed to be negative and critical of it. When I am allowed to just share my thoughts. And I don’t mean like, without being disagreed with, I mean like, in an environment where I’m made to feel like I actually can share these thoughts. When I can pinpoint and analyze what I didn’t like or what made me upset, it can be a lot easier for me to then move on and be able to focus on aspects that I genuinely do like. Like, holy fuck, it is SO much easier for me to pick-and-choose aspects of a certain sequel film that I actually like and feel comfortable saying I like than it was for me to do with the original, because I no longer have an incredibly toxic person in my life (or at least, in my life as much).

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t had this kind of experience since then, like. There are STILL things I struggle to move past because I have been made to feel like I just can’t fucking talk about them without being insufferable (sorry if I’m overusing that word - it just feels like the best word the feeling I’m trying to describe) or just straight-up ruining something for someone I care about. Keeping shit like this in does crazy shit to me, for real, and there’s still a large part of me that tells me “Fuck you. Suck it up. None of this shit matters.” Y’know? Because in the grand scheme of things, I know it doesn’t. And then there’s the shame that comes from having cared so much in the first place. It’s a fucking cycle. There’s some shit that’s just irreparable ruined for me because of this and that SUCKS.

I don’t like losing comforts. Fuck, I hate it, really. And I’m not talking about new comforts coming along and catching my attention as an old comfort begins to wane, I’m talking like. Destroying relationships, feeling SO MUCH shame surrounding a comfort media that it’s too difficult to enjoy it no matter how hard I try, or having too hard of a time disassociating a comfort with a horrible event or person. And it’s feeling like at LEAST one of these is starting to happen to me again and Good Gods it’s just. It’s so terrifying. 

But who do I tell? When my primary worry is annoying or offending or hurting people? Y’know? I can’t just vent to one single person to this all the time, that isn’t fair. But it gets to a point where my brain tells me “No, you can’t talk to ANYONE about this because that’s rude and wrong and a true friend wouldn’t do that. There’s a reason why you can make any number of concerning posts, messages, private ramblings, whatever, and the people you’re closest to won’t ask you what’s wrong.” 

And, yeah, honestly, I do think it’s true that the people I consider my closest friends won’t read this. I actually don’t believe the average person will read this, or at least get this far. I genuinely do just talk too much and it’s a lot for most people to deal with. Otherwise, I talk too little, and probably enter the “you should be able to read my MIND” level of expectations, which, of course, isn’t far. I understand, I swear I do, it just takes some time to come to terms with every time I get wrapped up in my stupid mental stuff. And I also promise that I try to give these people the same kind of response I want, y’know? I try to look out for any worrying behavior and try to offer an ear and help in any way that I can. I don’t think expecting the same in return is fair, I just worry about any of them being like me, and I’m willing to play to that if it’s necessary. I’ll break quiet streaks for that shit, y’know?

Honestly, these stupid quiet streaks are probably more unbearable for me than they are even noticeable for most people. It sucks. I just wish my mind was normal so I A) wouldn’t have these insecurities to begin with, because B) I would never end up exhibiting the behavior to warrant such insecurities.

There’s so much shit I want to talk about, to analyze, or explore, that I want to share with the world, or at least with people I love, that I probably never will because my stupid brain has already decided that all this stupid shit is better kept to myself where it can rot and be forgotten eventually. Which is fine, in the grand scheme of things, I guess, because I functionally have never really been the guy who comes up with ideas (at least, good ideas) I’m just the pencil, the one who I guess makes things visual? I can’t even bring myself to say “I bring the ideas to life” because that’s pretentious and untrue. These ideas are already alive because they come from brilliant minds. 

I don’t even think it’s fair for me to call myself a character designer unless the characters are my own. Otherwise, I’m just following the directions of a much more competent conceptualizer (there’s a reason my characters barely have any... well, character). That’s the reason why I removed my unearned credit as the character designer for Ty from Swindle’s description, because I really don’t deserve that kind of credit. It’s why the asks about the designing process of Ty have been left unanswered, because, fuck, what do I even say? “I just did what Lolly told me to do, just like I did with all of Swindle. Please don’t give me that kind of credit, I know I falsely ascribed it to myself earlier, and I want to rectify that”? I guess I could have, actually, now that I’m typing this. But people always get fucking upset with me when I try not to take credit, even when it’s shit that isn’t mine!! So I don’t know what to do!! I don’t know what to fucking do!!! Because I just don’t fucking want to make people upset or unhappy!!!!!!!

I’m sorry, this post is too long and I’ve worked myself up and I’m no longer apathetic. I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep so big win for my complexion, honestly. 

Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I guess getting this shit out of my system is probably best to do in a big tumblr post no one will read. 

I don’t want anons about this. If I can just ask one thing. Please.

[greatcomets]

ferris buellers day off dead poets society and uhhhhh day and age (the album)

YESSSSS yess. thank you for this. i’m gonna try to start making these shorter because they have been. you know. #long post.

1. ferris buellers day off has been my capital F capital M Favorite Movie since i was like....11!! so good and so cool. one time i went on a road trip with my dad and watched it upwards of 50 times in the car. like it would end and i would be like “alright! time to start over!”. just insane person behavior. ANYWAY lol. there are a lot of moments/scenes that get passed around here a lot that rule so very much (a big one being cameron staring at the painting) but something small that i love & cherish is this dialogue from the sears tower:

sloane: the city looks so peaceful from up here. ferris: anything is peaceful from 1,353 feet. cameron: i think i see my dad.

and i don’t know why! but god i love it. it was my email signature in middle school. it just lays out all of their characters really neatly and also in a way that makes me tear up sometimes! also the parade scene. imagine one of those kermit memes with all the heart emojis. god. there’s this couple of seconds of danke schoen where ferris stretches his arm up into the air and kind of looks up at it -- transcendent. also the plot’s repeated reliance on fake phone calls & answering machines. also jeannie’s sock/shoe combo. so so so good. wadda picture!

2. dead poets society

god for all that i am a gay person on tumblr dot com i haven’t watched dead poets society since the day robin williams died. just looked that up and apparently i was 13. wow. does not feel that long ago! wow! wow. so what i have to offer here is maybe a little obvious, but. it IS the thing that happens toward the end of the movie. the big, sad thing. you know! i’m trying to keep it vague for the 3 people left on here who have still somehow never seen it. at the time it felt earthshaking, which makes even more sense now that i know i was 13 at the time. middle school sienna had never seen anything that devastating in a movie before!!! what a way to start. but, yeah. god. like 7 years on i am thinking about it now and i am hearing his voice in my head and i am really, really struggling to remember if i’ve seen a movie do anything so completely unfair since. but also it’s almost 1 am, and i’ve never seen atonement, so what do i know!!!!!! wow. haha !!!! thanks for sending this i like really want to rewatch it now. will probably do that soon thanks to u <33

3. day and age

im UHHHHH god this is hard. GOD this is hard. i associate day & age (& every other killers album) really strongly with summer camp, & if you'd asked me 5 years ago i probably would've said something from a dustland fairytale or spaceman, but i gave it a fresh listen on the way to work the other day and i was like ... LOOOVING joy ride. just having an awesome time speeding down the interstate. idk if it would stick out as much again on a relisten but it was cool to connect w something i had kind of passed over before!!! also always been a fan of that little synth bassline in this is your life. & also yes. the bridge in spaceman. still hits. & i mean HITS. perfect dip & buildup. awesome awesome awesome. thank u for this these were GREAT !!!!! choices :) <3333 sorry it took so long to finish lol

mutuals do this!!:)

[aestherians]

My response to this video is gonna be ridiculously long, so hit J if you want to skip it

“Fictinkin is Terrible” Bad grammar. Should either be ‘fictionkin are terrible’ or 'fictionkinity is terrible’. But I digress.

“I actually used to be fictionkin” It’s generally agreed that if you’re 'kin, that’s what you are. It’s an inherent trait, like a hair color, and you can’t just quit it (though you can realize you never were 'kin in the first place or you can stop associating with the community or you can refuse to use any of the labels). A better wording would probably be “I used to think I was fictionkin.” This is just nitpicking, honestly, as it doesn’t change the experiences you’ve had with the community.

“[The otherkin community consists] of people who believe they are the spirit of a species besides human, born into the wrong body.” Not exactly wrong, not exactly right. This describes a lot of otherkin but by far not all. I believe my soul is partially that of a bison but I don’t believe I should’ve been born in the body of a bison. I also feel like I’m a gnoll (you know,, those fuckers from D&D) on a psychological level, which I chalk up to a lot of weird things in my late childhood/early teens, such as roleplaying werewolves and imprinting on the art of DarkNatasha. It’s not play-pretend, it’s just a… character trait, I guess you could say. Like being Pagan or being really into knitting. A large portion of otherkin believe it’s a purely psychological phenomenon or that the cause is a mix of spiritual and psychological stuff. Likewise, a lot of otherkin don’t feel like they’re born into the wrong body. It’s very subjective how each individual describes their otherkinity.

“It’s origins are mainly from tumblr” Not really… The current otherkin community has its roots in the elven communities from the 1970s (namely the Elf Queen’s Daughters and the Silver Elves). The EQD have letters dating back to 1973 detailing their nonhuman identities and can trace the origins of their organization back to the late 1960s. The word 'otherkin’ was coined by Torin in a mailing list (hosted by R’ykandar Korra’ti) in 1990. This is around the same time that the therian community appeared (seperately from the elvenkind/otherkin community) in the newsgroup Alt.Horror.WereWolves. For more information, check out “Otherkin Timeline - The Recent History of Elfin, Fae,and Animal People” By O. Scribner.

“Nowadays, the otherkin community has actually been pretty dead recently…” Again, not really… If anything, there are more otherkin actively discussing their identities and connecting with each other now than ever before. The community is just isolated to private chats and servers (mainly on Discord) and heavily moderated forums like WereList, Therian-Guide, and Fictionkin Dot Com.

“…and in its place has arisen something far worse: This is the fictionkin community.” Though some of the elves of the EQD and the Silver Elves would technically be classified as fictionkin today (as they identified as canon characters from Tolkien’s Middle-earth), the fictionkin community as we know it dates back to circa 2001. In other words, it’s not a replacement for the otherkin community specific to tumblr, and it is probably older than a lot of the people watching this video. For more info, check out “A History Of The Fictionkin Community” by House of Chimeras.

“Otherkin actually has [sic] some basis in spiritual beliefs like reincarnation and spirit animals” Otherkinity has nothing to do with having a spirit animal and an otherkin have nothing to do with spirit animals. If someone isn’t first nations they shouldn’t even touch that term. I understand where the confusion comes from, though. When you’re just getting to know your animal guide/spirit guide you think about them a lot, and when you think about something a lot you’re bound to experience things that are reminiscent of otherkin experiences, such as dreaming that you are the animal or taking on the mindset of the animal. The author Lupa used to think she was a wolf therian but a couple of years down the line recognized that she’d mistaken her spirit guide for a theriotype. You can read about it in her article “Letting Go of Therianthropy For Good.”

“Fictionkin, however, these people lack any actual reasoning behind why they think they’re a fictional character. They’ll often run around in circles, trying to come up with explanations for it, usually quoting the multiverse theory.” Archetypal connection, dissociation, energetic resonance, imprinting, mental fabrication, psychic connection, differently shaped soul parts, soul shattering, spiritual links, trauma, a coping mechanism turned into an involuntary identity, astral shapeshifting, neurodivergence, developmental issues in one of the critical periods of identity formation… Need I go on? There are plenty of things (both spiritual and psychological) that could explain why some people are fictionkin.

“At least the otherkin community tries to explain their logic with actual spiritual and religious beliefs.” What’s the difference between an “actual spiritual belief” and what fictionkin believe in? Hopefully you’re aware that all religious and spiritual beliefs were created by people. Superheroes are the modern day Greek gods, and fictionkinity isn’t really different from Alexander the Great believing he was a demigod. At least I don’t see the difference, except in the number of people that believe it (and I think we can all agree that the number of subscribers a belief has does not determine how real it is, otherwise we’d all have to accept the Abrahamic god as real and atheists would be seen as delusional).

“But the fictionkin community preaches a theory with no actual evidence behind it like it’s fucking fact.” And what exactly is the evidence behind non-fictionkin beliefs about the cause of 'kinity…?

“How do you actually determine that you are these characters?” I’m not fictionkin, so I can’t speak for them, but I identify as a bison and a gnoll because I experience a lot of things that fit into either narrative more comfortably than it does a human narrative. Body dysphoria, homesickness after places I’ve never been, impulses/urges, supernumerary phantom limbs, periods where my mindset feels less human and more animal, and flashing images of being my kintypes. Am I literally a nonhuman creature in a human body? Who the fuck knows. But it feels good to me to put those experiences in that narrative.

“It’s really concerning that these people would base their entire identities around something so vague.” Assuming someone’s kintype is their entire identity because you only know them from their 'kin blog is like assuming Drea Renee’s entire identity is 'knitter’ because she runs a big knitting blog. It doesn’t really fly. I’m otherkin, sure, but I’m also an animal science student, an aspiring amateur entomologist, a collector of old books, a fantasy fan, a cat lover, a scourer of thrift stores, and I could go on. Old books isn’t my entire identity. Insects aren’t my entire identity. Otherkinity isn’t my entire identity. I understand the assumption as you only see most 'kin on their blog devoted to otherkinity, but trust me, they will 9 times out of 10 have a private main blog where they post about all the other stuff that interests them.

“Let’s assume these memories are real. Don’t you think it would be possible to have memories of a character you aren’t even familiar with?” Plenty of people do, actually! They usually only find out when their source comes out, though. A somewhat famous example is Ebony who identified as a thestral a few years before Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was released. You can read about this in their essay “Fangs, Flesh and Flight” on House of Chimeras’ Livejournal. I myself have had several 'memories’ (I’m reluctant to call them that for personal reasons) of being an elderly woman in various situations. I’ve looked everywhere for something that matches those images, but I’ve pretty much resigned myself to it just being a 'normal’ past life.

“They pretty much make their self-indulgent canon” As a canon-divergent gnoll, I am Offended™. Nah, but honestly, canons and people’s relationships with them are weird (and I have a gut feeling that non-'kin would call our experiences fake whether we adhere to canon or not). Some people swear up and down that Shiro from Voltron still loves his ex, others claim the opposite. And neither of them are wrong since it’s all about the media consumer’s own perception of what they’re shown. Then there are people like me who just go off whatever gut feeling they have, so whatever kind of gnoll I identify as doesn’t show up in any tabletop canon that I’m aware of. I technically identified as a gnoll before I knew what a gnoll was and on my blog there are plenty of posts where I list my traits, asking if someone knows a creature matching them. In the end a kind Anon pointed me towards gnolls.

“According to these people you don’t even have to have memories to be kin. Actually, there’s no real determining factors for how to be kin and nothing is stopping you from being kin with every single fictional character that you like. As a matter of fact, people who are only kin with one or two characters are the minority.” You don’t need memories to be 'kin as there are many other factors that could cause you to feel nonhuman/like a fictional character. I’ve already gone over this in “How do you actually determine that you are these characters?”. What stops you from having a billion characters as your kintype at once is the simple fact that only a smaller number can really be significant enough parts of your personality to constitute kintypes. There’s no set upper limit, but somwhere around 5 is usually where you should start to get really skeptical. The people who have a list of 100 supposed kintypes have just really misunderstood what other-/fictionkinity is and need to be gently corrected. I hate to sound like I’m yelling ‘no true scotsman’ but among genuine otherkin, you’ll rarely find someone with more than 10 kintypes. Past lives, sure, but not kintypes.

“…delusions of being fictional characters.” 'Kinity is not a delusion. Please don’t downplay mental health issues by comparing them to a subculture. The DSM-IV classifies a delusion as “A false belief based on incorrect inference about external reality that is firmly sustained despite what almost everyone else believes and despite what constitutes incontrovertible and obvious proof or evidence to the contrary. The belief is not one ordinarily accepted by other members of the person’s culture or subculture (e.g., it is not an article of religious faith). When a false belief involves a value judgment, it is regarded as a delusion only when the judgment is so extreme as to defy credibility.” Otherkinity is an identity, not a belief, and it is in identity that makes no claims about the external world (with the exception of a select few elves and fae in the 80s/90s who claimed to be genetically otherkin). The beliefs surrounding otherkinity, however, can be delusional in rare cases like physical shifting. But in almost all cases the beliefs would fall into the culture/subculture category like religions do.

"And as they always say, anyone can become kin! You don’t even need to take it seriously.” The people who say that are going against the +40 years of established knowledge about the community and the otherkin experience. They’re wrong. You can not 'become 'kin’, only realize you were 'kin your whole life. You can, however, choose to become a copinglinker, which I believe a lot of the kids on tumblr actually are. If you chose your kintype, if you can drop a kintype all willy-nilly, or if you’re “kin to cope,” you’re a copinglinker, not otherkin. It’s a matter of misinformation and a lack of resources (and of kids refusing to listen when more knowledgeable people correct them).

“Eventually you’re gonna have to grow out of this.” Why? I’m happy the way I am (and functional, if that’s what you’re worried about). I’ve got friends, hobbies, and goals. I recently quit my job to focus on my studies, but up until then, I had no problems keeping it. I go to college. I go to parties. I’m going to Pride in a few hours. I’m not exactly secret about being otherkin, and all the people who’ve found out or who’ve been told that I am, have just shrugged and accepted it. If it doesn’t interfere with my day-to-day, there’s no reason to 'outgrow it’. For the record, I know plenty of people in their 30s and 40s (even a few upwards of 70) who lead completely normal lives and happen to be other-/fictionkin.

[attract-mode-collective]

This alt-J Music Video May Or May Not Have Been Directed By The Creator Of LSD: Dream Emulator

First, a heads up to those who might need to know: the above contains a considerable amount of flashing imagery.

It was also posted by one of the Japanese Tower Records Twitter accounts. Google Translate spat out: “One of Britain's leading bands, Alto J (Alt-J) released the latest work on June 9. Mr. Sato, a multimedia artist in Japan, who worked on artwork.”

I want to believe they’re talking about is the one and only Osamu Sato, creator of Eastern Mind, Chu-Teng, and LSD. Am not 100%, but it certainly looks like his handiwork! At the very least, the album art looks straight of of the aforementioned PSone classic…

Alright, may as well highlight a few other things I stumbled across on Twitter. Starting with…

Recently became familiar with Norio Nakagata’s account. He’s a vet in the industry, having worked on NES classics like Burai Fighter, Low G Man, and Zombie Nation. He’s still active today, as evidenced by this snapshot of his “development environment”…

He’s also pals with actor Hiroshi Fujioka, best known for the role of Segata Sanshiro, whom he had drinks with at a video game bar that happened to have this lying around…

miki800.com recently highlighted a person’s journey into the bootleg backstreets of Shanghai, which was originally shared on Twitter, and the source thankfully had a closer look at the one game that interested me the most. That being a Super Mario USA cart with Astro Boy’s face superimposed on top, which is also a Street Fighter 2 rom hack…

There’s also this cart, which I know nothing about, other than it looks really nice…

@oleivarrudi not too long ago shared a really nice looking mock up of a Metal Gear Rising demake…

@Ryotaiku’s comic is for all the My Horse Prince fans out there…

Via the Tiny Cart Twitter are some l i f e g o a l s indeed…

Been playing Breath of the Wild for quite some time but I have yet to encounter myself, like Matt Gerardi did several weeks ago…

… Oh and here’s an animated gif that really nails the new Zelda, plus another that brilliantly mixes shmups and that image that went (and still is) super viral, both of which I can’t post since they’re too big Tumblr don’t like that. Oh well,

Though I can’t hate on Tumblr too much, since it did provide this rather eye-opening bit of intel, courtesy of superman--thanksforasking…

“Fun fact: Mortal Kombat and Sabrina The Teenage Witch take place in the same universe. In 1997, to promote the upcoming sequel Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa reprised his role as Shang Tsung from the first film in an episode of Sabrina The Teenage Witch entitled “Get Over… YOURSELF.” It is revealed that Shang Tsung is actually Sabrina’s uncle by marriage, and while in town on business, he pays the Spellmans a brief visit. Sabrina’s aunts are not thrilled when Shang Tsung fixes dinner–raw boar–or when he takes Salem’s soul after the cat insults him. To get it back, Sabrina agrees to help promote that year’s Mortal Kombat tournament; shenanigans ensue.”

Ready to have your goddamn mind blown yet again? Credit goes to dnopls for connecting the goddamn dots…

My new fave Tumblr belongs to pixel8or, who manages to take footage shot from a moving vehicle and make it to look like footage from inside Rez…

It’s because of posthumanwanderings I discovered the existence of a series of maxipad commercials that are clearly inspired by Space Channel 5…

Sticking with Sega, though more so the subject of sound, here we have the menu music from the Sega Channel. All 40 minutes’ worth…

Everyone knows that the original Japanese soundtrack to Castlevania 3 is superior to the US version. But did you know that there’s a way to improve upon perfect? Yes there is… by adding the aforementioned much maligned NES version directly on top (thanks for the heads up Slonie)…

As meldowiseau reminds us all, Ken from Street Fighter drives barefoot. Not a huge shocker, maybe, yet it’s again an important reminder…

There’s also a Mortal Kombat clone that stars Butt-Head from Beavis and Butt-Head fame that vaguely feels like a porno, hence why I refuse to investigate further…

Via obscurevideogames is a lovely not quite still life from an arcade game called Quester, which you’d think is a shmup but is actually just an Arkanoid clone…

This week’s random piece of super kawaii art from a Tumblr artist whose work I just became aquatinted with is via dreamsntangles…

For those who have paid attention, I know folks involved in the world of Garbage Pail Kids, which also means I know folks involved in the world of Wacky Packages. And here’s a game related piece, by Joe Simko…

According to Video Game Densetsu, this is what a proposed Star Fox & company overhaul could been. Which makes what we’ve been seeing all the more boring…

Just a semi-regular reminder of how cute the PSP can be, in the right setting, one that I originally spotted over at sixteen-bit…

Speaking of hardware, and call me late to the party, but anyone out there familiar this device, which allows you to play actual SNES and Genesis games on your computer? I suppose the idea of using emulators as the means to ultimately drive legit software isn’t the craziest thing in the world, given how stuff like the Retron uses them as well…

A blast from the past that Kotaku pulled up the other the day, which many may have missed, of a Canadian Christian fundamentalist warning parents of the evil that is Final Fantasy…

I wonder how long this Pikmin cosplayer was sitting there, before anyone noticed?

My buddy Steve recently reminded me of this oldie but goodie...

One more old pic, I was reorganizing files and came across this iPhone screenshot several years and phones ago. I legit have no idea what I was thinking…

Anyone know where I can get a copy of Virtua Fighter Vol.1: Donkey Kong? Asking for a friend (guess I could just pester mightynonine)…

Does anyone also know if Zapperfilms will ever be updated again? Asking for me…

Thankfully, after laying low for a tad bit, Games Are Art recently posted an update! And on that note, that’s it for this one…

[nurseynurse]

14 or 19 for nurseydex? (from this prompt list: sleepy-skittles(.)tumblr (.)com/ post/155287327552/50-a-softer-world-prompts) or nurseydex and baking? idk whatever you want i just really love your writing!! esp the NHL future fic that was so cute and funny :)) thank you!

(I’m really really glad you like the NHL one!! It’s probably one of my favourite things I’ve ever written omg,,@ here’s Nursey and Dex baking, set sometime before Bitty and Jack come out to the team heh)

The bowl hit the ground with a deep thud, echoing off the wooden floors as berries and syrupy blue liquid oozed out and puddled around Nursey’s feet.

“Derek Malik Nurse, what was that?” Bitty exclaims, whipping around to find Nursey standing, sheepish, in the middle of the blue puddle. Bitty closes his eyes, lips tight.

“Chill, I can go buy some more berries right now, if you want.” He says, but Bitty’s face is starting to crumple; his eyes crinkle slightly and, for one horrifying moment, Nursey thinks he might cry. “Shit, shit, are you okay? Bits, I’m sorry.” Nursey urges softly, walking over to put a hand on Bitty’s shoulder. He flinches and Nursey drops his hand.

“No, it’s–” Bitty wipes his eye with the back of his hand. “It’s fine, I’m fine, I just…I’m having a tough week. I’m sorry.” Nursey raises an eyebrow.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Bitty laughs weakly.

“No, I’m gonna…I’m going to the store and then I’m gonna pack pack. I, uh, I’m gonna head down to Providence later. For the weekend.” Bitty says and Nursey nods. He thinks it’s pretty cool how close Bitty and Jack are. Not only does Nursey love the guy, he plays for the NHL and that’s, like, the coolest. Bitty looks down. “If you wouldn’t mind cleaning that, though…” Bitty says, grabbing his wallet and keys, before heading towards the door.

“Oh! Yeah, of course, man.” He says and tries to reach the rag on the counter without having to trek blue spots through the kitchen. He never actually hears the door shut, though, because, as soon as Bitty is out of the Haus, Dex takes his place.

“Yo,” Nursey greets, mopping up the sticky puddle. It seems like it’s making even more of a mess than before, a thin residue of sugar clinging to the wood.

“What are you doing?” Dex says, voice accusing, as he leans over to peer at Nursey.

“I dropped this bowl of berries and shit when I was passing it to Bitty.” Dex raises an eyebrow.

“Is that why he looks like he was gonna cry?” Dex asks; Nursey makes a face. “I almost bumped into him when I was coming into the Haus.” He explains.

“Oh, yeah, I don’t know what that’s about.” He says, scrubbing at a particularly difficult spot. He hears the sink running and sees Dex grab another washcloth to wet it. The rag splatters to the floor where Nursey is scrubbing. “Oh. Thanks.” Dex makes an affirmative noise.

“He’s been…off. Lately.” He says vaguely, going to sit at one of the bar stools.

“Yeah,” Nursey says, and sweeps the rag around to make sure the floor was completely clean. “Yeah, what’s up with that?” Dex shrugs. “He said he was having a bad week…but–”

“We should do something for him.” Dex says simply. Nursey looks up; he knows Dex and Bitty have been spending a lot of time together, Bitty teaching Dex how to cook and bake and all that, but he didn’t think Dex would be the kind of person to…do something nice for someone, like this.

“Like what?” Nursey asks, to stop his internal rambling. Dex shrugs again, noncommittal. His eyes are closed and Nursey thinks he looks a little nervous.

“What if we, like, baked him something. Or made dinner Sunday night…when he gets back to the Haus, yanno?” Nursey nods even though Dex can’t see him.

“Yeah, sure, I’m down.”

And it’s Sunday.

“This might have been a bad idea.” Dex groans, bending down to grab the box full of whisks and spatulas that Nursey dropped. Nursey pretends not to stare. The jackass was wearing a pair of tight brown corduroy slacks and Nursey has never felt so attacked in his life; he didn’t even know Dex owned pants that weren’t ill-fitting jeans or sweatpants.

“It’ll be fine,” Nursey assures, going to grab the dry ingredients out of the cupboard; he’ll leave Dex to get the eggs and milk. “What are we making again?” He asks, looking between the baking soda and baking powder.

“I was thinking a torte.” Dex says.

“You know how to make tortes?” Dex shrugs and his cheeks are dusted in pink.

“I know how to follow a recipe,” He says. “And Bitty and I made a blackberry torte a few weeks ago so I know what it’s supposed to look like.”

“Just tell me what to do,” he says, shrugging, and Dex nods brusquely, his cheeks still painted rose.

“Okay, um.” Dex counts out the chocolate, the butter. “Melt this down on the stove–actually wait, you’ll probably burn it.” Nursey wants to feel indignant but, considering he started a small fire trying to make coffee a few days ago, he knows Dex’s accusation is fair. He tries anyways.

“C'mom, dude, I can do it.” He says, grabbing at the butter. “Just…don’t distract me.” He says, hearing the click click click as he turns the heat to high on the stove. Dex lets out a harsh breath through his nose, reaching over the turn the flame down to medium. Rolling his eyes, Nursey shoves him out of the way, regaining his position I front of the stove. “I got this, man.”

“Fine. Fuck, fine.” He hunts through the box Nursey had dropped earlier, finding a wooden spoon, and hands it to Nursey as if it’s a newborn baby. “Stir the butter once it melts and I’ll pour in the chocolate.” He says as he begins roughly chopping the bars into chunks and slivers.

“You look tense.” Nursey informs, giving the unmelted hunk of butter in the pot a tentative push. It glides to the other end of the pot. Dex pushes out another breath through his nose.

“I don’t want you to burn down the Haus while Bitty is gone.” Dex says.

“You’re the one who invited me to help you bake.” Nursey points out, a little bitter now because, what the fuck? Dex didn’t have to ask Nursey to help but, now that he had, Nursey wasn’t just gonna sit there and watch as Dex baked without helping. He chanced a glance back in Dex’s direction, taking in the rigid curve of his back, the swell of his biceps, those fucking pants…on second thought…

“Here,” Dex says, coming over with the cutting board. “Stir.” Nursey does as he was told as Dex scrapes the chocolate into the pot. The skin beneath Nursey’s sweater aches where he can feel Dex, pressed up against him as if it’s the most simple thing in the world. Maybe it is. Maybe Nursey is making everything out of nothing. He stirs, a little too hard, and a few droplets of chocolate spray out of the pot, splattering on Nursey’s hand.

“Ah! Fuck.” He whispers, sucking at the chocolate, wincing at the burn.

“Are you kidding me.” Dex sighs. He sounds exasperated, a little angry, but he’s watching Nursey’s mouth with an expression Nursey can’t figure out.

“It’s fine, just stings a little.” He says, looking at the little welts on his hand. Dex turns down the heat before turning back to the island and rifling through the drawers. Brandishing a tube of Neosporin, he grabs Nursey’s hand, softly inspecting the burn. He dabs a few dots of Neosporin on it; he drops his hand with a roll of his eyes and begins stirring the mixture on the stove.

“Go measure out the dry stuff.” Dex says, gesturing to the recipe open on the countertop. “At least I can be comfortable in the knowledge you know how to read.”

“Shit,” Nursey intones, laughing as he looks for the measuring cups. He’s about to drop a fourth a cup of flour into the mixing bowl when he gets an idea. It’s probably not a good idea but–“Hey, Dex?”

“What?” He turns and, quickly, Nursey flicks a handful of flour at Dex’s face, a powdery mask of blank shock. He blinks, flour falling from his eyelashes. “Oh.” He reaches over, quicker than Nursey can recognize, and grabs an egg, smashing it over Nursey’s head.

“Oh my god!” He shrieks, slapping his hand to his now slimy hair. “Low blow, Poindexter.” He whines, wrinkling his nose before scooping the egg out of his hair and wiping it through Dex’s.

“Oh, gross, that was payback for the flour! We were even!” Nursey runs his fingers through Dex’s hair, cleaning them thoroughly.

“Well, now we’re not.” Nursey says.

“Now we are.” Dex says, hand darting out to grab the baking soda and opening it over Nursey’s head.

“Oh.” The powder falls to the floor, cascading his hair, sweater, shoes, in a fine layer of white. Dex looks triumphant.

“Truce?” Dex sticks out his hand, smirking.

“For the sake of Bitty’s baking supplies, truce.” He says, shaking Dex’s hand. He turns to look at the recipe. “You’re lucky we didn’t even need baking soda.” Dex laughs.

“God bless tortes.”

Forty minutes later, Nursey couldn’t help but agree.

“Holy fuck, I’m glad we made two of these.” He groans as Dex pulls out the second pan from the oven. It’s looks perfect and smells absolutely heavenly.

“I swear to god, if you try to eat this without letting it cool for a few minutes I’m going to punch you.” Dex says and Nursey softly puts his fork back on the counter.

“I wouldn’t even think of doing such a thing.” Dex rolls his eyes, puts the pan on the counter, and runs a hand through his hair. They showered while the tortes were cooking and the soft golden light streaming in from the window made Dex look almost as warm and soft as Nursey felt.

“Honestly, though, these looks really good. If you keep doing this well, maybe I’ll give you a promotion. Official sous chef.” Dex says, laughing. Nursey smiles as him wolfishly, moving to lean against the counter next to Dex.

“Are there any…benefits I should look forwards to?” Dex freezes, squints.

“Depends.” He says and the look on Dex’s face makes Nursey’s skin run hot. “What did you have in mind?”

“Maybe a fuckin’ bite of this torte.” Nursey laughs, shoving his shoulder against Dex’s. They’re close. “Um.”

“Anything else?” Dex’s voice is soft and Nursey can’t keep his eyes from flickering down to Dex’s lips.

“Maybe.” He says and they’re closer than ever. Nursey can feel Dex’s breath fan across his cheek, his chin, his lips. “Gotta get that promotion first.” Dex smiles; Nursey swears he can feel it against his skin. Then, he’s positive he can, as Dex leans in, fisting a hand in the material of Nursey’s sweater sleeve, and presses his lips firmly to Nursey’s. He sighs into the kiss, angling his head to allow Dex more comfortable access. They slot together perfectly and Nursey swears his vision goes splotchy, one hand closed around Dex’s waist, one tightly gripping the counter. Finally, Dex pulls back.

“Okay, you’re definitely promoted.” Dex says, as if nothing happened. Nursey can barely even comprehend Dex’s quip.

“As long as we can do that again, I don’t give a fuck.” Nursey says honestly and Dex positively cackles, hand sliding to the back of Nursey’s neck and hauling him in for another kiss.