#this isn't a joke - I really genuinely loved this

[jaelvr]

Like crazy

Home | NCT 127 masterlist |

Requested : no

Prompts ; 57. “I’m just tired of this. I’m tired of it all.” + 65. “You know I wouldn’t call unless I was in pain.”

Pairing : ex! Mark x reader

Pronouns : you/yours

Type : angst, fluff, suggestive

Word count : 3.3k

Warnings : confused feelings, exes to ???, frat! au, fluff, slightly ooc, mentions/use of weed + alcohol !!

Have a great day !! 

——————————

"You know I wouldn't call unless I was in pain." Mark huffed, a gentle and genuine tone to his voice. He knew exactly how to pull on your strings every time. "Alright, alright." you gave in, running a hand through your hair as you sighed down the phone. "I'll be there in five." you murmured, humming as you heard him thanking you before hanging up. You pulled your trainers on and the slightly worn hoodie he'd given you last year on, trying to ignore the weird feeling in your gut. It wasn't anything new with Mark getting into fights. Except this time, it had been with another member of his basketball team, refusing to tell you who or why the fight had happened.

You'd reached his dorm in just under five minutes, and he answered the door almost immediately. "I didn't disturb you, did I?" he asked sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck as he stepped aside to let you in. "'s fine." you lied, biting your tongue as you tried to ignore how attractive he was looking like always after practice. "Where does it hurt?" you murmured, sitting on his sofa once you'd taken your shoes off, ignoring the flashbacks of what happened on the sofa last time you were over. He removed his jersey, showing the slight cut on his arm and the bruises. The light in the living room made his face more clear, a ring around his eye that would soon turn black now more visible. "Mark.." you sighed, your thumb running across his cheek subconsciously, swallowing the lump in your throat when you felt him nuzzle into your hand.

Sure, he could deal with these himself, but there was something in him, a part of him, that craved your gentle touch. It desired you to take care of him, to baby him like you always used to. You didn't miss the mix of lust and longing in his eyes as he watched you carefully tend to him, cleaning his cuts and applying ointment to his bruises. You felt yourself giving in, the butterflies swarming your stomach and the fuzzy feeling consuming you every time your eyes met each others.

And you didn't pull away as he leaned in, connecting your lips once again.

----

"..Hey." the voice spoke as you filled your cup back up in the kitchen, away from the group in the living room. You nodded at him, acknowledging his presence. "You really need to stop following me." you spoke, a small smirk on your face as you looked at him. "And why would that be? I can't follow my love wherever they go?" He smirked back, leaning against a kitchen counter next to you and crossing his arms as he stood close to you. "Since when was I yours again?" you shot back teasingly, downing what was in your cup for confidence before facing your ex again. "It's obvious, isn't it? You can deny it all you want, but you are mine, mine, mine." He joked, leaning even closer to you now as he put a hand on your hip, his voice just a low whisper at this point as his grin widened to match yours. "Especially after what happened the other night." he murmured, forehead against yours.

"We agreed not to talk about that." you murmured, wrapping your arms around his neck and toying with the ends of his mullet. "I know, but the memory just seems to keep replaying in my head over and over again." He teased, hand still on your hip as he held you tighter against him and his voice was just as low as before. "I swear, hearing you moan like that will be forever ingrained in my brain." He murmured, tilting your head back just slightly and whispering some more right into your ear. "Mark.." you murmured, a warning in your tone which only encouraged him. "Do you know how tempting it is, to have my love stand right in front of me like this right now?" He murmured, hands moving up your body now and squeezing your hips as his breath hit your neck. "Do you know how much I want to just pin you to this counter and-" he cut off what he was about to say, smirking at you.

"Stop it. We can't." you shook your head, biting your lip to hold your moan in, refusing to give in easily. The pair of you knew exactly what would happen and you refused to let the cycle repeat yet again. "Can't? Or don't want to?" he murmured, his breath still against your neck as his hands squeezed your hips tighter. "I think it's pretty obvious we both want it, baby. So why don't we just go ahead and give in already and have some fun?" He murmured, whispering some more now against your ear and nipping at it with his teeth too. "We…we shouldn't-" you started, a soft whimper escaping your lips and a hand instantly getting tangled into his hair. "Oh, but baby, we should" he murmured, tugging on your hair as his hand moved to caress your side and squeeze your hip even further to get a reaction from you. "It's not like either of us will regret it later on. All we'd probably regret is not doing it sooner." he mumbled, mouth moving to kiss your neck once before returning to whisper another sentence to you. "So why don't I just lift you up and-"

he was going to be the death of you.

----

It had happened again. And again and again and again. You were both at another party being held within his frat house, messily making out in the darkened hallway. The pair of you were doing your usual routine, making out every so often when it was just the two of you. Things would always feel awkward afterwards, but both you and Mark knew that there was no point in trying to deny each other's desires. You both wanted it, didn't you? So now here you were, once again, making out deeply in a darkened hallway. Your hands ran through his messy mullet once more, your bodies pressed tightly against one another. You had missed the feeling, honestly. "you wanna ditch this party?" you murmured in between kisses, soft giggles escaping you every now and then. "we could go for a drive or something."

"That's a great idea." He sighed softly, reluctantly pulling away from you now as he looked at you. "I could use a break from all the noise. Let's do it." He smiled at you, slipping his hand around your waist. "We can go somewhere quiet. No one will bother us there." he whispered, caressing your cheek. "lead the way, pretty boy." you breathed out, a flushed look on your face from the messy makeout, gently wiping at the corner of his mouth. "Follow me, baby." he murmured, intertwining your hands and leading you out, not caring if anyone saw as he helped you into his car. Mark sighed contently once he'd begun to drive off, the pair of you finally away from the party. This felt like the closest thing to a normal relationship you'd had for a while, deciding to ignore the doubting thoughts in your head. He kept his promise, driving off somewhere you wouldn't be bothered. Mark smiled again, this time looking at you with love in his eyes as he drove, enjoying the moment and the company of you.

You got out at the familiar spot, walking a bit up the hill from where he'd parked before he set the blanket down and gently tugged you down beside him, able to admire the city's lights and the clear skies with evident stars. "God, I love how quiet and peaceful it is out here." He sighed softly, lying down next to you on the blanket and watching the city lights and the faint stars in the night sky. He smiled at you for a moment before rolling on his back and laying there, his head still turned to look at you. "I could stay here with you for hours…" he murmured, turning his head some more to catch your eyes again. You smiled at him, nuzzling into him a bit more. The tensions were high, the burning chemistry resurrecting and too much for you both to ignore any longer.

He could tell that you felt it too, the way your body pressed against him and nuzzled you even closer into him. It was clear that neither of you could resist the urge any longer. He turned and brought you into a passionate kiss, his hands tangling in your hair and lips moving against yours. His breath was hot and ragged as he kissed you, making it clear what he wanted right now. "Give me another chance." he whispered, cupping your face delicately. "Mark, we-" you started, being cut off by his finger pressing against your lips to shush you. "Just shut up and listen to me, okay?" he murmured, his voice more dominant than usual. "I know we tried this whole just being friends thing, but that was stupid. We both know it. So why don't we just admit our feelings towards each other and move on from there? Give me another chance. You know you want to. I think we could last forever."

"I'm afraid that everything will disappear. I’m just tired of this. I’m tired of it all." you whispered, leaning into his hand and gazing at the ground. "I just want us to work." you admitted, cheeks pink as you vulnerably spoke. "So do I." he sighed softly, a soft look on his face as it looked like he was trying to not let his own worries show on his expression. "I know we've had ups and downs, but do you remember how good things felt earlier on when it was just you and me and no one else?" he murmured, shifting so he was sitting right beside you. "Let's go back to that, only this time, let's fix and deal with whatever comes our way together and never let anyone else come between us. Just trust me." You met his eyes, once again falling for the loving gaze. Maybe he was right this time. "..okay." you hummed, going with your heart. "Really?" He murmured, surprise on his face as his eyes lit up in hope. "You mean it?" he asked, cupping your cheeks and leaning forward to kiss your forehead. "Just promise me you'll always be by my side then. I don't want to lose you again, and I don't ever want to go through that breakup again. Please. Let's just make this work."

You took in his words, swallowing the lump of doubt in your throat and kissing his cheek. "I promise." you whispered, nodding. "Thank you." He smiled softly, gently wiping at your cheeks with his thumbs as he kissed your forehead one more time. "I won't let things end again." He smiled again, moving so he was lying down on the blanket again right beside you and wrapping an arm around you as he pulled you closer to him. "So let's just enjoy our night together and forget about everything else, okay? Just…just for a while, let's forget about all the drama and enjoy each other's company. Sounds good?" you nodded, sitting in his lap and cuddling up to him. You didn't say a word, simply enjoying the moment. He smiled at you for a few moments more, enjoying the closeness of having you in his arms as he held you close and breathed slowly, not saying any words either. The two of you just enjoyed the quietness of the night, the quietness of nature and the silence of being alone together, away from all the noise and drama of life and the outside world. It was just the two of you. And he was content.

Please be right this time.

----

You had sat intertwined on your sofa, lazily passing a blunt around the living room with the others in your friend group you'd invited over. You were cuddled up to Mark, your arms wrapped around his side and his hoodie strings dangling in your hand as you toyed with the strings nonchalantly. Mark had one of his arms around you and was casually chatting with the others as well, the two of you just enjoying the rest of your evening and the weed together. you placed gentle kisses against his neck, nuzzling into his shoulder with a soft sigh. The others were still chatting away, laughing and cracking jokes at one another, unaware that the two of you had fallen into a cute little intimacy. You had been nuzzling into Mark's neck and planting gentle kisses against him, also letting out soft little sighs as you relaxed into the moment. Mark was grinning slightly at the touch of your lips on his neck, letting out a low moan and holding you tighter against him.

"my room?" you muttered, hand resting on his thigh as you looked innocently up at him. He smirked and took another pull of the joint, exhaling slowly before looking at you and nodding. "Let's go." He murmured, gently pushing himself away from the other members and starting to get up from the couch. He took your hand into his and pulled you with him, leading you upstairs. "Keep quiet, alright? We don't want to let them know." He murmured as he opened the door to your room and pulled you inside with him, closing the door softly behind you. His hands were all over you as soon as you entered the room, pinning you against the door and pulling you into a messy makeout. His lips were on yours, hands moving up and down the sides of your hips as he moved his hands over your body slowly. You could feel his breath against your neck, his grip tight but gentle at the same time. It felt so intense yet so passionate, and you couldn't help but get lost in the moment.

"Mark.." you moaned quietly, enjoying the feeling of his hands travelling along your body. the sight of you in one of his shirts which came to your knees had driven him insane all afternoon, especially becoming more desperate with the weed in his system. "Hnnghh…baby. Don't talk just yet." He murmured, still holding you against the door, his hands roaming over your hips as he squeezed your thighs and pulled his own body closer to you. The feel of your body pressed up against him like this was driving him insane, and the feeling got more and more desperate once you had started to moan too. "Don't say anything, it's driving me crazy just thinking about it.." He murmured, his mouth hovering slightly above yours, his breath hot on your skin. "need you Markie.." you whimpered as your hands tangled into his hair, earning a groan from him for the nickname that you knew drove him crazy.

"God damn it…" he murmured softly, a hand moving up to wrap around your back and holding you even closer as his lips pressed against yours, his fingers moving through your hair and massaging your scalp as his other hand squeezed your thighs again. "You know exactly what you're doing to me…" he groaned, his voice hoarse and his breath hot as he let a hand move up to the back of your head and start stroking your hair, slowly moving lower and lower. "what do you mean, Markie?" you continued, batting your eyelashes at him innocently, winding him up more. "Don't play innocent with me." He murmured, taking a deep breath in before letting out a groan as he felt you bat your eyelashes and grin back at him innocently. If you kept up like this, he'd lose all reason soon and give in fully to you. "You know exactly the grip you have on me, baby. Please stop playing innocent because I'm close to losing my patience here." He murmured softly, eyes still on you as a mischievous grin made its way onto his face.

"but Markie.." you whispered, leaving a hickey on his neck as your hands travelled along his chest, knowing you'd push him over the edge. "Mm..mmnghh…" He groaned softly, feeling the hickey on his neck and letting out a low moan as his eyes rolled back slightly. "Fuck…god, stop…" He murmured, his voice sounding both frustrated and desperate at the same time. His hands moved down to you now as well, running along your thighs then to your own hips, his fingers slowly caressing before moving back up, towards the back of your neck. "You gonna be good for me, baby?" he murmured, taking control as he wasted no time in removing your shirt. "I'll be so good for you, Markie. so, so good." you whimpered, moaning softly before he gently covered your mouth with his hand. "You gotta be quiet baby. Mmhh…" He groaned, feeling the hickey on his neck before feeling your hands travel along his chest too now. After feeling you moan before, his hand covered your mouth again to keep you quiet. "That's it…such a good little doll." He murmured softly, moving his hand away from your mouth and letting out another low moan as he felt your hands on him too now.

This was going to be a long night.

----

You opened your eyes slowly, groaning once more as the light from the outside blinded you and made you wince. You felt stiff and aching all over, thanks to all the activities you had last night. You stayed in bed for a moment longer, taking a deep breath and stretching your limbs, letting out a soft grunt of pain as you did so. The house was quiet, strangely quiet. You could hear your own breathing, but nothing else besides that. No voices, no footsteps or other movement. It was almost too quiet for it to be natural. You rubbed your eyes for a bit longer and moved to sit up, letting out a soft groan of pain as you stood up. You tried to brush your sleepiness off as well, stretching more to test out your muscles as you did. You looked over to the side of the bed, expecting to see Mark lying there and still asleep. But to your surprise, the bed was empty, the space beside where you two had slept last night now void. You rubbed your tired eyes again and looked around the room slowly. It was still quiet, a weirdly quiet morning as you wondered where he might have gone.

You froze as you realized Mark was nowhere to be found, and suddenly it was like a sinking feeling washed over you. A lump formed in your throat and your heart raced, anxiety filling you as you realized something was wrong. You started to think about why he might not be here and started to get paranoid about it, the quietness of it all not helping. You got up slowly, pulling on the shirt of his you had worn yesterday, feeling the pain in your thighs as you did so. The bathroom was empty, the kitchen empty, the living room empty. The entire home was empty, a quiet hush all around. As you came down the stairs, the eerie silence hit you once more, a chill running through you from how quiet it all was. His stuff was gone, gone as if he had never been here in the first place. The house was empty now, just like it had been before he had arrived. The empty house and its eerie silence reminded you of how he always played this same cycle with you. He would call you when he was bored, and you'd come running, falling right back into his lies and deceits whenever he was bored. Then, he'd disappear without a trace until the next time he felt lonely and bored again, starting the whole cycle all over again.

Alone again.

[rainba]

what if darling cries during sex or aftercare, and once they calm down a bit, maybe apologise for getting too emtional (totally not projecting) and say that they feel so lucky to have their yan/they can't believe that they're here with their yan right now huehehehe i love soft emotional hurt/comfort

kind of on the same note (but not really) what are some awkward moments during with the yans? something about that feels really endearing and makes them more human, y'know?

tank yew for the yummy content :] don't forget to drink water n love yourself a lil you deserve it ( ´ ▽ ` ).｡ｏ♡

on that note i should probably drink some water myself...

Awww… I feel like both of the yans would feel a little bad, but they’d try their best to comfort their darling. ╰(*´︶`*)╯

For Kairos, he'd definitely wrap his arms around you without hesitating and pull you into a loving embrace. He’d press your face into his chest while resting his chin on the top of your head, shushing you and telling you it’ll all be okay– and that he’s so lucky to have you, too. (o´∀`o)

Kairos absolutely loves being able to comfort you– it makes him feel all warm inside, and he can’t help but feel as if he has a sense of purpose as he calms you down and showers you in his love.

To be honest, Kairos would probably end up crying right along with you... Then afterwards, he’d ask if you wanna take a bubble bath with him, or if you wanna just lay down and take a nap/go to sleep...

He’d also try and make you laugh afterwards– but his humor consists of either really dry puns or jokes that require you to be chronically online to understand them. So... I hope you find those things funny too! ┐(シ)┌

If you don't, he'll try to "get a better sense of humor" for you...!

As for Luka– while he does like seeing his darling cry, that's only when he has total control over the situation and knows that he's not genuinely hurting you. During the times he gets too aggressive during sex, he always feels regretful afterwards and tries to make it up to you.

So, if you start crying when he's trying to be genuine with you, it’d probably be a little awkward for him. ^^;;

Since he doesn’t understand strong emotions very well, he’d be kind of confused as to why you’re crying. Like… Did he hurt you? Did he say something that triggered this?

Luka would stop everything he’s doing and sit beside you as he wipes your tears away with the back of his hands, asking you to tell him what’s wrong. If you say that you just feel so lucky to have him, he honestly will be left speechless.

You're crying… Because you feel lucky? Lucky to have him? Aren't you only supposed to cry when you're upset or in pain?

Crying tears of joy isn't just a myth?

Truthfully, he’d space out for a bit and be lost in his own thoughts, fully trying to process what you said to him. After he spends a few minutes just staying by your side and wiping your tears, he’ll lean in and softly kiss your lips, asking you if there’s anything that you need from him. It can be anything at all– just tell him, and he’ll get it for you. It doesn’t matter how big or small. ( ´ ▽ ` )

If his darling cries after sex often, Luka will slowly get better and better at comforting you– he makes it his ultimate goal to learn how to best care for you and tend to all your needs.

Oh, and...

"...I'm lucky to have you, too. I love you."

(Also, thank U for the concern!! I try my best to take care of myself :3c I hope you and everyone else who reads this also does the same!! Go…… Drink water and love yourself…… (´｡• ᵕ •｡`))

[notyourwatermelon]

I think the essential part of the perfect nagito characterization for me is making him always sound like. the most sarcastic motherfucker ever. smarmy and high-horsey and passive aggressive af. like regina george levels of insincere flattery. except he is being 100% SINCERE (most of the time) and has NO IDEA how much of what he's saying comes off as him Being A Dick

this only makes it harder for him to make jokes because his sense of humor is so dry already that it kind of just blends into the way he naturally speaks so it just makes him even less comprehensible which is ALSO an essential part of a peak nagito characterization. make this motherfucker inscrutible

[moderncryptid]

Honestly the entire story could have been resolved if Damien at any point received a little forehead kiss

[theinactivefaniguess]

Tango choosing to live with fWhip... devastation...

...

Wait.

Does that mean that Jimmy's exes (Ex-Soulmate, Ex-Deputy) are living together now?!

Oh, Jimmy is not going to get a minute of rest, is he

[dimonds456]

Hey, y'all?

Making a character's motivs understandable is not the same as making them sympathetic.

Making a character's motivs sympathetic is not the same thing as making them redeemable.

Making a character's motivations redeemable is not the same thing as making them understandable.

From a writing perspective, you want to strive to make your characters understandable, yes, but that does not mean they have to be sympathetic, redeemable, or even nuanced at all. It might be good to have those things, but ultimately you just want your character to be understandable. The audience should be able to explain why your character does what they do in your work once they've seen/read/listened to it. That's it.

It depends on what your story needs and the tone you're going for, of course, but people seemingly have been confusing these things a lot. A character can have a sympathetic backstory and we can go "aw that's sad :(" but. Rachel, he still killed people. A lot of people. For no good reason. Sympathetic, not redeemable.

And even then, some people have been assuming that understandable = sympathetic, when this simply isn't true either. You should want your character to be understandable! You should be able to follow their train of thought, no matter how rocky or unstable it is, to see how and why they came to the conclusions they did about the world and thus why they took the actions they did. Doesn't mean they have to be #relatable or sympathetic in any way. It just means they are a consistent character with their own wants and desires.

And from an audience's perspective, this also means that RACHEL, HE KILLED PEOPLE FOR NO GOOD REASON, HE'S NOT REDEEMABLE-

[multi-lefaiye]

actually yeah i'm just gonna go ahead and state this boundary real quick. i'm not saying this as an attack on anyone, but i figure i should say something b/c this does make me extremely uncomfortable.

anyway random people coming onto my silly posts to be self-deprecating annoy me and i'm at the point where i just block on sight.

genuinely if you blorbo tag a post... unless i say otherwise, go for it. that's fine. i love seeing those.

if you're coming onto my post where i jokingly self-aggrandize about how cool i am and how much people love me just to say that you wish that applied to you and no one loves you! i'm probably gonna dip! i'm sorry if that sounds mean and i genuinely wish you the best, but that's not what we're about my guy and i do not really want that on my post

[anotherpapercut]

I know this is probably controversial but I genuinely hate the general normalization of just "reacting" to a message you receive instead of actually responding (outside of messages that don't actually warrant a response). it's not communication. that said, I wish I could react to work emails instead of having to spend 10 minutes thinking of a professional way of saying "ok"

[amethystina]

I just watched episode 1 of Devil Judge and I am not dissapointed! 😊

The whole world and setting are very fascinating. That trial did look like a real TV show (something that doesn't seem so far fetched to be in our world, a bit like people online are already condemming other people really)

Oh man, that end scene with Kang Yo Hang yawning and THEN letting that one tear fall down his cheek..... 😮😮😮Yeah, he's not a good person at all......

Kim Ga On looks like a sweet little puppy at this point. A bit naive even? But he's also strong enough to ask questions and raise his concerns to Kang, I find that fascinating!

(Also, the moment where Kang pushes Kim against the bookcase and then takes a bit too long to remove his hand as he talks about Kim being single and mentioning his shirt..... That was INTENSE)

Glad to have you on board ;)

And yeah, I very much like the world they've set up. It feels quite like our own, but still different enough that you can accept if some things are a bit weird — like the Live Court Show. Because while I agree that, in many ways, it just feels like an extension of all the condemning we already do as a society, it IS still pretty farfetched. But, man, does it make for a fun plot!

Trying to figure out the puzzle that is Kang Yo Han was literally one of the most entertaining parts of the drama for me. Like, is he a villain? An anti-hero? Both? Neither? They keep you guessing, that's for sure and it was one hell of a ride, at least for me.

And, in a similar fashion, Ga On isn't quite as simple as he seems, either. While he's very kind-hearted and perhaps a little bit naïve at first, he is also very clever and strong-willed. And very determined to figure out what the heck Yo Han is up to. And I truly adore that about Ga On. It would have been so easy to make him into a soft, gentle, and ultimately rather weak character, but no. While he might cook you a five-course dinner one evening, he's still going to punch you in the face the following one, should you piss him off too much. I like that about him.

Aaaaaand yeah. The bookshelf.

Fun fact: when I started watching this drama, I knew absolutely nothing about it aside from having seen the poster. As in this one:

And, not going to lie, it gave me pause because, uh, guys. That's kinda gay.

But then I saw it was a Korean drama and went: "Oh, well, not gay then. But someone at the marketing department DEFINITELY had a fun day at work."

Point being, anyway, that I decided to watch The Devil Judge because I was looking for something that WASN'T gay. I'd been bingeing a lot of those shows and just wanted a bit of a reset. So I went: "Oh, hey, this Korean show about corruption in a dystopian society definitely won't be gay. Let's give that a try!"

The Devil Judge: "... so about that..."

And, like, I could explain away Yo Han's lack of respect for personal space during their first meeting as an intimidation thing, and all of their verbal arguments made sense due to their differences in morals etc. But then the bookshelf scene happened and I just sat there going:

"... hang on a fucking second. Am I watching a gay show?"

Spoiler alert: I was.

I mean, sure, it's not officially gay. But it definitely is gay all the same. The subtext is about as subtle as the sub himself — i.e. will punch you square in the face more than once, with little to no warning.

BUT YEAH. Enjoy the ride? But also — and I will not stop repeating this — you give me way, way too much power over your media intake, darling x'D And, as I've stated to my followers before:

With great power comes great responsibility and, when it comes to The Devil Judge, I’m about as responsible as Kang Yo Han. That’s to say, you’re all fucked.

But thank you for joining me in this pit of sin also known as The Devil Judge fandom. Where the sugar babies are cheeky and the sugar daddies are, occasionally, manipulative mass murderers.

Whoops?

[seraphim-soulmate]

um love is. uh. some people are saying it's unconditional? anyone else heard this? cannot wrap my mind around it.

[melonisopod]

Alright I wanna preface this: I love what they did with Oberon for the summer event. I love that they made him a grouchy, greasy little freak who holes up in his hotel room pigging out on junk food from the convenience store and refusing to go outside. If you even suggest going swimming with him he growls at you.

Makes me kind of sad FGO would never even dream of having a female Servant like that. No matter how shy, reticent, introverted, she's going to get dragged outside in a skimpy swimsuit and "come out of her shell" and get more flirty and/or concerned about her appearance.

I don't want that. In a perfect world there'd be at least one female character who gets to shut herself away and play video games and read doujins and be gross and weird and lazy the whole way through. This isn't like "Oh this will surely spite the horny males who want to see boobies!" this is like what I, personally, want to see them do with a female character that they absolutely never will.

Having said all that, my hope for the next summer event in Limbus Company is a Faust ID who is just...that description. No, not Kromer Faust, not "goes to her part-time job as a racist cult leader," I mean crawled out of bed with messy hair and an oversized hoodie and sweatpants and all her voice lines are very sleepy and grouchy and all some variant of "Can I go home now?"

[brotherhoodoftheblade]

You cannot tell me that DG (back before she lost her mind and dropped the ball at the homestretch) didn’t mean for us to read this scene:

“....It’s coming is a gift, which I accept with gratitude, but when it’s gone, there is no sense of abandonment or deprivation. I’m only glad to have had it for as long as it chose to remain.”

“And you’re saying your relationship with Manoke is the same. Does he feel that way about you, do you think?” I asked, fascinated. He glanced at me, cleared startled. 

“I have no idea.”

“You, um, don’t...talk in bed?” I said, striving for delicacy. 

His mouth twitched, and he looked away.

“No.”

We lay in silence for a few moments, examining the ceiling. 

“Have you ever?” I blurted.

“Have I what?”

“Had a lover that you talked to?”

He cut his eyes at me. 

“Yes. Perhaps not quite so frankly as I find myself talking to you, but, yes.” 

(An Echo in the Bone, Ch.95)

...and draw a straight line in our recollections to the times John lay abed with Percy in BotB, speaking of intimacies they shared with no one else. Because obviously, Percy was the only lover of his he really talked to about deeply personal matters in bed. (That we were shown anyway. He probably confided in Hector at least about some things, I hope.)

“Shall I tell you a great secret?” Percy’s voice was soft, breath warm in his ear. Grey reached a hand through the sheets, slid it over the high round of a still warmer buttock.

“Please,” he whispered.

“My name is not Percival.”

.....[Percy] laughed a little unsteadily, took a deep breath, and lay down on his back, drawing the sheet up over his chest.

“My name is Perseverance,” he said in a rush.

“Per -” Grey lay completely still, holding his breath and concentrating fiercely on his belly muscles. 

“Go ahead and laugh,” Percy said from the dark, with exceeding dryness. “I won’t mind.”

“Yes, you would,” Grey said, but was still unable to quell the bubble of mirth that rose up the back of his throat, and being there firmly suppressed, emerged through his nose in a strangled snort. To keep from committing further offense, he said the first thing that came into his mind.

“What’s your middle name?”

Percy laughed, sounding a little easier, now that the dreadful confession was made.

.....Just now, he was realizing exactly the magnitude of the the gift Percy had given him. 

He was the only one who knew. Percy had been right; it was a great secret, and John felt the weight of his lover’s trust, warm on his heart.

He groped for Percy’s hand and found it, slightly cold. They lay silent for a bit, holding hands, bodies warming to each other. 

..... “Shall I tell you a great secret?” Grey whispered, at long last. ...

“Please.” Percy’s hand tightened on his.

“My father was murdered.”

..... Somewhere in the telling, Percy had gathered him into his arms, and held him now, close against his body. His head lay in the hollow of Percy’s shoulder, and the curly hairs of Percy’s chest brushed soft against his lips as he spoke. ...

Percy’s hand smoothed the hair away from John’s face, gentle. 

“Your mother likely thought whoever’d killed your father had got you, too.”

“Yes, she did.” For the first time in the telling, a lump came into his throat, recalling his mother’s face when she’d seen him, filthy, trailing hay and mud across the Turkey carpet in her boudoir. “That’s - that’s the only time she cried.”

Percy’s arm tightened round his shoulders. He could hear Percy’s heart, a muffled steady thump beneath his heart.

“And you?” Percy said at last, very quietly. “Did you weep for your father?”

“I never did,” he said, and closed his eyes.

(BotB, Ch.18)

~*~

Percy did return to the matter a few days later, though. No doubt it was a matter of Percy’s own upbringing in a religious milieu, Grey reflected. Or perhaps it was only that Percy had never been with a man willing to discuss philosophy in bed. Grey hadn’t, himself, but found the novelty mildly diverting. 

They had left the barracks separately and met in Percy’s rooms for a few stolen hours. Where, after the initial delights of the flesh had been tasted, Grey found himself with his head pillowed on Percy’s stomach, being read to from a collection of legal opinions. published a year or two previous. 

.....

“So,” Grey remarked, “we must be exterminated, because our pleasures are insufficiently ecstatic?” 

Percy’s brow relaxed a bit, and he closed the book.

.....Still, he considered the matter, enjoying the peaceful rise and fall of Percy’s breathing beneath his cheek. 

“I think a gentleman conducts his affairs with kindness and with honor,” he said, at last. ...

Percy gave a short laugh.

“Kindness and honor? That’s all well - but what of love?”

Grey valued love - and feared it - too greatly to make idle protestations.

“You cannot compel love,” he said finally, “nor summon it at will. Still less,” he added ruefully, “can you dismiss it.” He sat up then, and looked at Percy, who was looking down, tracing patterns on the counterpane with a fingertip. “I think you are not in love with me, are you?”

Percy smiled a little, not looking up. Not disagreeing, either. “Cannot dismiss it,” he echoed. “Who was he? Or is he?”

“Is.” Grey felt a sudden jolt of the heart at the speaking of that single word. Something at once joyful and terrible; the admission was irrevocable.

Percy was looking up at him now, brown eyes bright with interest.

“It is - I mean, he - you need not worry. There is no possibility of anything between us.” Grey blurted, and bit his tongue to keep back the sudden impulse to tell everything, only for the momentary ecstasy of speaking of Jamie Fraser. He was wiser than that, though, and kept the words bottled tight in his throat. 

“Oh. He’s not...?” Percy’s gaze flicked momentarily over Grey’s nakedness, then returned to his face.

“No.”

It was late in the day; light skimmed across the room from the high attic windows, striking the dark burnished mass of Percy’s curling hair, painting the lines of his face in chiaroscuro, but leaving his body in the dimness of shadow.

“Is friendship and sincere liking not enough for you?” Grey was careful to avoid any tone of pettishness or accusation, making the question merely one of honest inquiry. Percy heard this, and smiled, lopsidedly, but with answering honesty.

“No.” He stretched out a hand and ran it up Grey’s bare arm, over the curve of his shoulder, and down the slope of his breast, where he spread his palm flat over the nipple - and took a sudden hold of the flesh there, fingers digging into the muscle.

“Add that, though...” he said softly, “and I think it will suffice.”

(BotB, Ch.19)

That their story will never have a happy resolution - after all that they were, and could’ve yet been, to each other - is just tragic. 🥺😭😭😭

[capisback]

there’s three types of one piece fans:

- Those who proudly skipped Skypiea because it’s “boring” and then had to scramble to read it when chapter 1044 came out

- Those who love the Skypiea arc

- Those who skipped it the first time because of reasons and when they did a reread/rewatch, realized Skypiea is really great and then turn into type 2

[genderqueerpond]

on the one i hate the "girl (gender neutral)" meme on principal, and forcing it on people who don't identify with girlhood is transandrophobic. on the other hand being referred to as "one of the girls" in a joking sense while still having it understood that I am in fact a man is about as gender as it gets for me and actually I love it

a conundrum!

[viosjaan]

i don't think you want anything to do with me anymore so i can just vent the texts i want to send to you here

[inkskinned]

it's been said before and i'm sure said better than i can phrase it. but really, really - if you like making "i'm going to kill myself" jokes, please try switching to being ironically conceited instead.

anytime something goes wrong, say things like "ah well at least i'm beautiful and charming and everyone loves me." when you forget something, try "my big huge brain is so smart and thinking about too many other very big wizardly thoughts you wouldn't even understand." when you're frustrated by one of your symptoms, start talking like you're in My Immortal. "Life has come for me but my eyes are beautiful pools of gorgeous fire and my hair is amazing. I stuck my middle finger up at life and told it to fuck off and it did."

just... try it for a month or two. try saying the most absurdly self-congratulatory shit you can think of.

i know it's tempting to make suicide or self-harm jokes. and for me at least, a decade ago (!) when someone suggested i stop making those kinds of jokes, i was kind of at a loss for what to replace them with. i wanted to make light of these moments, but genuinely (at the time) my first thought really was suicidal ideation. there was a part of me that even felt like ... i was kind of "making light" of that voice. that if i could say i want to die lol, it would help take the sting out of that genuine (albeit passive) desire. like i could turn my illness into a joke.

when i started complimenting myself instead, it felt awkward and stupid. it felt really, really ironic. what i was actually saying was nobody would ever think this stuff about me, that's what makes it so fucking funny.

but. the effect was immediate. first thing i noticed was the people around me. when i dropped a glass and said ah my skin is too beautiful and sleek the glass has swooned and broken for me, other people were suddenly overjoyed to jump in with the joke. rather than making an awkward moment, we'd both start cracking up. ah princess sleek hands, i've heard of you.

i was 19. i hadn't noticed i'd been making others tense when i said i want it all to end. i know now that it's incredibly hard to know how to walk that moment - do you talk to them about your concern? do you potentially make them uncomfortable by asking if they're okay? do you ignore the situation? do you help them pick up the glass, or do they need to do it by themselves? are they genuinely made suicidal over this small moment? and most importantly, how do you - without professional training or supplies - actually help?

most people want to help you pick up the glass in your life, they just have no fucking idea how to do it. they don't want to make anything worse. they don't want to make assumptions about you. they love you, they're scared for you - and being scared makes people kind of freeze up. it's not because they don't love you. it's because they do.

now when something bad happens, my first thought is how can i make a stupid joke about this. it isn't my brain saying you're a dumb fucking bitch. i spend more time laughing. i spend more time being gentle with myself. i spend more time feeling good.

and the thing is - what's kind of funny - is that you'd be surprised by how many people agree with you. the first time i said i'm too pretty to understand that, someone else said to be fair you're the prettiest person in this room. i promise - you really don't know how kindly your friends see you. but they love you for a reason. they sort of reverse-velveteen-rabbit you. your weird and ugly spots fade away and you just become... the love they want to give you.

go love yourself ironically. the worst thing that happens is that you end up tricking your reflection into actually loving you.