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SICK GOJO x READER
ᯓ★
Part 1 : gojo x sick reader (it can also be read without part 1, as a standalone)
Synopsis : in which after you being sick, the all mighty Gojo Satoru catches a cold too. Nursing him back to health is quite a challenge, even more for The Strongest ! Him ? Being vulnerable ? Nah.
Words count : 4.6 k
Warnings : fluff, smut, afab reader, slight angst, comfort, pet names, p in v, unprotected sex.
જ⁀➴ ⠀ׂ Autor’s note : English is not my first language, sorry for the mistakes !
݁ ⊹ ୨୧ ˖ ࣪ . Enjoy . ⋆ 🩹 ⇅ ˖
。⋆˚⋆✩₊⋆˚。⋆♡⋆。⋆ ˚。⋆⊹⋆ ˚⋆。⋆✧⋆˚。⋆⋆ 。⋆˚⋆✩₊⋆˚。⋆♡⋆。⋆ ˚。⋆⊹⋆
“Nah, I’m too strong for the germs to actually get to me.”
That’s what your stupid boyfriend said when he kissed you multiple times when you were sick. This idiot insisted that because he was The Strongest, he couldn’t catch a cold. And here you are, with the All Mighty Gojo Satoru sulking like a kid to take his medicine, determined that he could use his rct to heal himself. Well, it didn’t work like that.
You were standing in front of him, while he was sitting on the couch, legs sprayed in his usual manspreading way, head turned on the other side of the water glass filled with medicine. You grunt, shaking your head and frowning at his antics.
“Satoru…” you start to say, moving the glass in front of your boyfriend, clearly losing your patience.
“Nuh-uh,” he sucks his lip in between his teeth and activates his infinity the moment the glass was about to touch his lips.
You sigh deeply. He was clearly toying with your nerves, and you were tired of playing this little game anymore. You make a noise of fluster, and now put your hand on your hip like a parent would do when scolding their child.
“Gojo Satoru !” you hiss.
“Uh-oh, the government name…” he whispers sheepishly, tilting his head to look at you through his blindfold.
“Yeah, the government name. If you don’t take your medicine, I’m going to be really mad. I’m not playing with you,” you insist, glaring at him up and down. To be honest, you felt like you were dealing with a little brother, rather than your grown ass adult boyfriend.
A smirk forms on his pretty pink lips, showing you this boyish grin that he always had when having fun. He taps his thigh with his long finger, eying you.
“You look sexy when you’ mad, sweetheart.”
You roll your eyes, clearly not buying his flirting attempt. You even scoff, squeezing tighter the glass in your hand.
“Satoru, stop play-” you get cut off the moment his large hands wraps around your waist, bringing you with ease towards him. He makes you stand in between his legs, his head buried in the comfort of your chest as his arms now hug you tightly to not let you have any room to escape.
“I’m fine, I told you. I can heal myself. I’m not as sick as you were last time,” he says, lifting his blindfold up to allow you to look at his left blue eye staring right back at you.
“You took care of me for one week, and you were the first one to scold me when I lied to you about not being sick and saying I was okay. Don’t you think you should do the same as well ?” you narrow your eyes, fighting back the growing heat in your body at the way he looks at you.
“I’m not lying, I'm confident, that’s different. And I sure as hell will not faint like you did. I’m The Strongest, baby. That’s not a cold that will take me down,” he insists, grining at you wider now.
“Your confidence will kill you one day, ‘toru. And you say that you can heal yourself just right, yet I don’t see any improvement concerning your cold.”
“That’s because-”
“If you don’t take the medicine, that means that you don’t love me,” you cut him, clearly not wanting to deal more with his bullshit. Satoru looks at you chocked, in his usual dramatic way.
“What ? Come on baby, that’s manipulation !” he retorts, hands clenching harder on your clothes to bring you even closer, if that was possible.
“No, that’s called love,” you correct. Your boyfriend sulks, not pleased by this turn of events. Like a pouting kid, he grabs the glass of water and gulps it down in one go. His face distorts in a grimace at the nasty taste, and he puts down behind you the now empty glass.
“Happy now ?” he groans, forcing you to sit back on his lap as he towers back over your frame. You gently caress his head, touching his white snow locks in this tender way that he loves.
“Yeah, you did good.”
“You should praise me more often,” he smirks, before kissing your forehead and making you stand up with him as well. He spins you around and acts all strong by lifting you in his arms, as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Yet you could see the slight frown on his forehead, his headache acting up. But he quickly puts back his blindfold on, like a mask to hide to the world how he really feels.
“Now, let’s sleep, I wake up super early tomorrow,” he exclaims as he carries you back to bed, teleporting into your shared room and plopping you down on the mattress in a soft thud.
“Don’t go and do the same mistake I did, If you aren’t feeling well, take your day off,” you whisper softly to him, using this tone of voice that shows seriousness and intimacy. He climbs on top of you, sliding under the covers and bringing you closer to his warm body. You could feel it, even through your thick pajamas.
“Nah. The Strongest can’t rest too much, the world needs him,” he dismissed as if it was nothing, shutting you up by a big hug that almost knocked out your breath.
“And I need him to be healthy too. I can do your missions for you, if needed.”
“Come on, sweetheart. You know I love you, but there is no way in hell I’m letting you handle my work. That’s not your duty, that’s mine,” he scoffs as he looks at you through his blindfold, keeping it up even though it was night time.
“Satoru, you help me with my missions too sometimes. What’s the point if I can't return the favor ?” you lift yourself on your elbows, refuting what your boyfriend just said.
“Because I’m Gojo Satoru, nobody returns my help. That’s not your job, it’s mine,” he answers with a tone that makes you understand he will not change his mind.
“We already had an argument because of it last time, I’m not having it again. You know I hate how you overwork yourself. You have the right to be vulnerable too, you are not a goddamn machine !” you got pissed, not in the mood to have again a stupid discussion about something that should be normal, even more when it’s been years that you are dating your boyfriend.
He should know better than treating you as if you were another one of his fellow coworkers that saw him only as a weapon or the annoying teacher, and nothing more. Satoru stays silent, deciding it was too late to change your mind, or to continue down this path. He sighs and softly makes you lay back down on the bed.
“I know, alright… I promise I’ll be careful tomorrow, yeah ?” he ends up accepting softly.
“You better.” He chuckles at your words.
જ⁀➴ ⠀ׂ
In the morning, you woke up alone in the cold sheets of your bed. You vaguely remember Satoru kissing goodbye the top of your head, leaving for his long day lasting mission outside of Tokyo. Even though you were half asleep at this sweet moment, you remember how he was coughing slightly, clearly trying to muff it down to not wake you up, or to gaslight himself that he was fine.
The day went on, the only information you got from your boyfriend was some texts through the hours. He was updating you about how his boring mission went on, and that he was fine. Yet, he didn’t call you. Weird, you thought. Satoru didn’t want you to hear how his voice was groggy from the cold, and his unstoppable coughing.
He grew moody, his headache making him irritable. The only thing he wanted right now was to be back in the warmth of his bed, and your arms. Satoru couldn’t accept the fact that his cold was getting to him. No way. It wasn’t a silly sickness that would knock him down. No curse or curse user ever managed to, aside from a certain short black haired man that was now dead from his hands. He couldn’t just accept defeat like that ! So he stubbornly did exactly what he didn’t want you to do last time : continue his mission even though he wasn’t feeling well.
He successfully managed to exorcize the curse, quickly even. But not as quick as he was used to. He frowns, even more pissed off. The man was not in the mood right now, and Ijichi didn’t dare say anything when he saw the cold walk Satoru had when returning to the black car. The aura emanating from him was scary, no, terrifying ! It would be a death wish to be on his nerves right now, and Ijichi knew that better than anyone else. The poor man could have fainted from stress when trying to survive the mood of The Strongest, bringing him back to the campus.
Great, Satoru still had work to do. He didn’t even bother going to Shoko, or go to annoy Nanami like he loved to do after a long mission. Even Yuji and Nobara were hiding behind a pillar of the campus, spying on their teacher no matter how Megumi told them not to. After all, they never saw their great teacher looking angry before, or even being sick ! It was comical to them, seeing the white haired sorcerer with both a blindfold and a black surgical mask on his mouth. We could barely see his face.
Satoru wasn’t dumb, he obviously noticed his three silly students following him through the campus. But for once, he didn’t have the ounce of energy to indulge in their little game like he used to.
“Do you think he is acting, or is he really sick ?” asks Nobara, frowning her brown eyebrows and looking at her pink haired best friend.
“I heard him coughing, and being moody, Ijichi looked scared as hell ! Maybe he is on his periods…” mutters Yuji, nodding to himself as if it was the most logical answer. Megumi facepalm, not even knowing what to answer to that statement.
“That’s not how it works, you idiot. Do you even know how periods work ?!” half yells and whispers the teenager girl, slapping the back of his head.
“Uh, of course ! Isn’t it every full moon ?” he confirmed, and she wasn’t sure if he was being serious in his answer or just joking around.
“Do you think I’m a damn werewolf ?!” snaps Nobara.
“Well, last time I saw how your legs were hairy and I-” starts to mutter Yuji, trying to suppress a laugh.
“Yuji, shut your mouth,” sighs Megumi, clearly losing the patience he was supposed to have for the day.
“Great, now we lost teacher Gojo ! He disappeared, all thanks to you !” groans Nobara, shaking her head as she looks at the now empty hallway of the school.
“Hey, it’s not my fault !” Yuji frowns, turning his head towards her.
“Who disappeared ?” Satoru suddenly appears behind the group of teenagers, arms crossed over his chest.
“GAHHHH !” screams the brown and pink haired friends.
“You brats should learn how to spy better.” He sighs saying that, coughing a bit behind his mask.
“That was Nobara’s idea !” quickly says Yuji, pointing at the girl to make himself be the victim of their shenanigans. In reality, it was both their idea, and the poor Megumi was forced to tag along.
“They were worried about how you were doing…” explains the spiky blue haired one as his two friends were fighting in the background.
“Awww, is my little ´gumi worried about me ?” coos Satoru, dropping his moody act for one second.
“...” Megumy stays silent, rolling his eyes and looking away.
“Nah, nothing too bad. But I would be way better if y/n was here,” continues Satoru, sliding his hand in his white hair, trying to stay nonchalant. It was a damn lie. He was sweating, and his normally pearly skin was flushed from the warmth of his body. Thankfully, his blindfold and mask were hiding that.
“L/n finished the day already,” explains Nobara, straightening her hair after punching Yuji.
Satoru was even more annoyed. He still had to do paper work in his office, meaning he would be home very late. It was already time for the sun to set, and he was yet at the beginning of this horrible long work. He sighs, and after a few more words, he leaves to do his work.
Hours pass, and it’s at 11 A.M and a half that Satoru enters back your shared apartment. Without a care in the world, he took off his mask, just wanting to breathe. Hell, even his blindfold is now on the floor ! No matter how his headache was getting stronger, his sensory issues got worse and overwhelming with his cold, so he needed to get rid of these suffocating tissues.
His face was red and his forehead wet, his eyes were hazy, and he took off his shoes in a kick. He almost falls doing that, finally letting him feel how sick he was, dropping the mask of his fake bravado once he is in the safety of his home. He breathes heavily, and spots you standing up from the couch, looking worried.
“Satoru !”
You don’t even have the time to react or to do one more step, that your boyfriend is right in front of you and pins you against the wall, head falling on your shoulder and slowly leaning towards your body.
“Missed you so much, baby…” he slurs out, closing his eyes and having a hard time articulating his words.
You support his body, even if he was twice your figure, and quickly check his forehead. Fuck. He was burning up ! His hazy eyes flutter open to look at you through his long pearly lashes.
“Oh my… let’s get you to bed, alright ? I’ll take care of you,” you whisper to him, but he doesn’t answer, and instead starts to do open mouthed kisses on your neck, sucking the skin. A shiver runs down your body up and down.
“Need you, please,” he whines. After succeeding in acting alright all day, he just wanted to crumble in your arms and get lost in your scent. God, you didn’t know how to react at first. But you snap yourself out of this growing heat in your stomach, cupping his face in your hands. He stares right back at you, and then down at your lips. They looked very, very tasty right now.
“Baby, let’s get you to bed first. I’ll bring you medici-” you get caught off by his lips smashing against yours, his starving cold hands slipping under your pajamas to feel you better. You open your eyes wide, not expecting him to do that. This idiot is giving you all his germs, and there is no way that you will get sick again !
“Don’t care,” Satoru purrs, slipping his tongue inside your mouth sensually. Your error was to moan the moment he grabbed your ass with a possessive hand, allowing him to make out with you. The first seconds you cave in, melting in his embrace and unable to resist the sweet taste of his lips. You squeeze your thighs together, but he parts them with his knee, pressing it against your crotch, sending a jolt of pleasure through your body.
The moment you feel it, you snap back from the situation and hit his head. Satoru lets out a groan, and you break the kiss, grabbing his wandering hand.
“Satoru, I said we're going to bed, now,” you exclaim, glaring at your tall boyfriend that was crushing you with his weight.
“Good, I want you in bed,” he smirks through his hazy state, ignoring his headache and body screaming from soreness.
“Not for sex,” you quickly correct. He pouts, doing his puppy eyes to you. You shake your head.
“Satoru…” you repeat. He sighs and then uses the last bit of energy he has to teleport you both in your shared bedroom.
Once inside, he falls back down on the mattress, and you swiftly roll on the other side to not get smashed by his tired body. You sit back up and help him lay on his back, wiping his sticky hair from his forehead.
“I come back, ok love ?” Knowing Satoru, you don’t let him have the time to answer before he could have the chance to grasp you back in his arms, quickly leaving.
You take the medicine he needs, a cold and wet towel for his forehead and body to wipe away the sweat. Once you are back, you force him to drink the pills. After some protest that lasted barely a few seconds, Satoru having no strength to fight back, you put the cold and wet tissue over his forehead.
“Are you hungry ? I’ll cook you something warm,” you ask softly, sitting to his side as you open his shirt to take off his dirty cloth.
“Don’t leave me, stay,” he shakes his head, grabbing your wrist surprisingly strongly. Your eyes soften, and you look at his glossy blue eyes from the sickness.
“Toru, I need to leave if you wanna eat.”
“Forget about the food, if I eat, I’ll throw up. Just keep taking care of me by staying here, yeah ?” Satoru shakes his head, adamant on keeping you by his side no matter what. You indulge him and end up nodding.
You softly finish to take off his shirt, without some of his tired help, and wipe the sweat from his flushed torso. He lets out a moan, glossy stare right back at you.
“Baby, If you continue like that, I’ll want more…” he whispers, fingers digging into your wrist.
“Satoru, I’m cleaning you up. Stop being a perv for one minute,” you answer, shaking your head.
He doesn’t answer, just feeling your touch on his burning skin that was cooling down thanks to the wet towel. Once you are finished, you help him take off his pants, and socks, and pass the towel around his limbs. They weren’t dirty, so you quickly finished. Once you are done, Satoru pulls you swiftly towards him.
“I’m cold,” he complains.
You bring back the covers over him, snuggling him inside. Yet, he still complains.
“Take off your clothes,” he instructs you. You frown, not understanding why he was asking you that.
“Satoru that’s-”
“I need warmth, and your naked skin against mine is the best solution to warm me up. Or maybe you are a bit too dumb to know this basic fact,” he explains, his voice meaner than he intended. His bad mood from being sick really made him harder to deal with, but you decide to not let it get to you. For once, he was fully vulnerable in front of you, so there was no time for a silly back and forth.
You take off your clothes without any hesitation, but keep your panties on. The moment you finish slipping off your pants, your boyfriend directly smashes you against his chest, long arms draped around your waist. His face is buried in your neck, inhaling your scent as it was the only thing he could smell. His leg brings you closer, and he sighs of pleasure at your warm skin rubbing against his.
“Maybe you should wear a mask, love,” you whisper.
“No, I can’t breathe with it,” he retorts at the second, shaking his head as his sigh caresses your skin and makes you shiver. You bite your lower lip, you were hoping that you wouldn’t be sick again because of him. That would be … repetitive.
He butterfly kisses your neck, the warmth of your body additioned to his making him even more hazy. Your scent was addictive, and he felt like he was intoxicated. Maybe his cold acted like strong alcohol. You could feel his growing erection against your stomach, his hips suddenly grinding softly. He didn’t even realize what he was doing, he simply was chasing down a desire that was growing inside of him.
“Satoru…” you whisper as you fluster, Satoru turning you around so you are laying on top of him. He brought your hips against him, so that you were now straddling your boyfriend right where he wanted you. It bucked perfectly against your heat, and you took a sharp breath when his mouth was trailing down to your breast.
“Baby, you are sick. You should rest,” you continue, but his mouth was already on your nipple, sucking and tongue twirling around it mindlessly. He didn’t even answer, hips still grinding against yours, making your panties grow wet. A wet patch of precum formed on his boxers, and his eyes looked up at you. He smirks while sucking your second nipple, taking it in his mouth like a lollipop. His blue electric eyes, wet from his sickness and desire, don’t leave yours, not even for a second.
“Told you, I don’t care. You should help me warm me up, I’m still so cold…” he mutters, his teasing grin making your walls crumble.
You bite your lower lip, and gasp the moment he frees his cock with his other hand, and slips it in between your wet folds and the tissue of your panties. The contact makes your eyes almost roll back in your skull, and at the same time he gently bites your nipple and grabs your ass tenderly like some soft meat to massage.
“It’s cold too, and if you really, shit… don’t want to share my germs, I’ll refrain from kissing your lips again, hmm ?” he stats in between groans, now grinding his dick against your cunt in this soft and passionate way that could make you beg him to smash his hips against yours at any given moment.
“It doesn't work like that-” you cut yourself in the middle of your sentence the second a moan slips through your lips when his tip tease the entry of your hole.
“Who fucking cares in the end… please, baby ?” he asks, whining, his lips parted as he catches back his breath. His hair sticks to his forehead, and he lays his flushed cheeks against your shoulders in a plea. Fuck, your logical side and rational thoughts crumble, leaving only need and desire to have more.
“Ok, b-but, let’s go slowly ? You're still feeling sick,” you end up accepting, and a flash of something appears in the eyes of your boyfriend when you pronounce your words.
He bites your shoulder, and slowly slides into your dripping cunt. Inch by inch, until he buckles his hips against yours once your hole swallowed him to the balls. He moans, you do too, yanking your head back. He takes the opportunity to let his tongue travel up your throat, kissing it as he softly and slowly chases down pleasure by moving his hips. He digs his fingers in your back, bringing you impossibly closer.
If he could, he would have been fucking you to death, but God, slow and soft sex was so freaking good as well. He didn’t have the single energy to move too much, lost in a cloud of pleasure, and sickness. He whispers your name like a mantra, and his tip kisses your cervix passionately.
“Shit, so so good. Ahhh…,’ he babbles, groping slightly harder your ass to lift you more easily so he could make you plop back down on his length. You gladly help him by doing half of the work, moving your body in sync and rolling your hips up and down.
“Right here,” you suck in between your teeth these words, riding him slowly. He continues to hit your sweet spot languorously, making your head spin. He kisses your ear and breathes heavily inside of it, soft moans escaping his mouth at how good it felt.
Sweet sex was on another level with Satoru, both of your bodies are connected on a deeper level, making it impossible to think about something else rather than the love and desire that radiates from him. It was slow, but so enjoyable. Each second was marked by soft kisses, meaningful thrusts, and wandering hands caressing each other’s skin.
Satoru wanted to kiss your lips so badly, but he restrained himself, instead latching on your tasty buds, sucking your nipples until they were sore. Or either biting you, leaving the mark of his canines on your skin, a way to distract himself when pleasure was too strong that he just wanted to cum. But no, no. He always managed to make you cum first, that was his own personal rule. He couldn’t cum until you did.
But tonight, his vulnerable sick body and groggy state, made him unable to control it properly. After some minutes, it made Satoru cum thick ropes of white inside your twitching walls that were squeezing him just right. That resulted in you following him the second after, nails scratching his back to try to ride your high. He falls back down on the bed, heavy breath and beating heart in sync with yours. Your boyfriend was beyond exhausted, and your soft flesh and warm body against him didn’t help.
“I love you,” he whispers into this quiet moment of vulnerability, before he literally passes out.
You look at him lovingly, kissing his cheek. After some minutes, you slide off of him, making him lay comfortably on the bed, and clean his body from the sweat and the rest of cum. He always did it for you, so now it was your turn to take care of him. Once you were done, even changing his wet tissue on his forehead, you cuddled him back before falling asleep. You were exhausted too, after all.
જ⁀➴ ⠀ׂ
“Baby, that was so embarrassing ! I never pass out like that after sex !” your boyfriend whines as he swallows his medicine. It was already 11 A.M, and you managed to force Satoru to take his day off to rest and to nurse him back to health.
You chuckle softly, caressing his cheek as you take back the glass of water in your hands.
“Satoru, there is no need to be embarrassed. I’m the one that usually passes out after sex, and yet I don’t get all shy about it.” You smile at him, resulting in his sulking to falter.
“Maybe, but I usually never do. You even cleaned me up, fuck, that’s humiliating, even more for my ego…” He pouts.
You nudge him as you sit back on the bed next to him, looking at his bed hair and you suppress a laugh.
“Of course I cleaned you up ! You always do it for me, so yes, I return the favor. And it’s normal, Satoru. I do it because I love you,” you softly explained.
He huffs, before he brings you under him, suddenly caging you in between his body and the mattress.
“Then lemme show you how much I love you too, and fuck you ‘til you pass out this time.” He grins, licking his lip. You roll your eyes playfully.
“Nuh-uh. You are on a sex ban until you are completely healed, Satoru !” you firmly said, and he looks at you as if you stopped him from eating sweets for a whole year. That was a tragedy !
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO !”
It took three more days for your boyfriend to finally be back on track, and he obediently took all his medicine this time, being extra serious in his healing. You wonder why…
THE END
For more : Y/n’s goodbye letter Gojo x reader
#gojo x reader#jjk#jjk smut#gojo smut#gojo fluff#jujutsu kaisen#gojo satoru#gojo x you#x reader#smut#jjk x reader
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lobos, we cannot stop hunting
summary: the full moon comes and you insist on staying with your best friend despite his valiant warnings to make you run away from him... pairing: werewolf!chan x reader genre: smut, fantasy, best friends to lovers warnings: *takes a deep breath* heat suppressants, hugging, werewolf transformation, kissing, making out, hair-pulling, eating out, begging, fingering, overstimulation, consent is established multiple times, slightly mean dom!chan but overall a sweetheart, praise+degradation, size kink (duh), unprotected sex on the floor, knotting, breeding kink, mating *exhales* author's note: happy halloween, baby stays!!! 🐺 make sure to get some yummy treats and always remember to say the magic words please and thank you 😈 but ESPECIALLY please as the king of the wolves taught us 😉🛐 word count: 1.8k
"It's a full moon tonight," your werewolf best friend Chan says.
"So?" you murmur, not even bothering to look up from your phone. Those F1 reels that keep popping up on your feed are so interesting! "You've got your pills and stuff? You'll be fine, same as always."
"I ran out, actually," Chan scratches the back of his head nervously.
You put down your phone. Sorry, sexy F1 guys, you can wait.
"Can't you get more?" you ask him.
"No, my doctor is out of town. It's his anniversary with his wife and his phone is turned off."
"Goddamnit, Chan, and you tell me that now?" you are immediately worried about your best friend.
Before he started these pills, Chan told you that the full moon was like really bad on him. As in, he was completely out of control and had these...urges that he had to take care of by himself. Basically, he was in a lot of pain. He's been using these pills for the last two years and they've been working miraculously. Chan was pretty much like a human during the usually dangerous for werewolves full moon. Thankfully, his doctor has been very helpful in giving him plenty of these amazing pills.
"I'm sorry...I thought I had one left but I must have miscalculated."
"Chan, I keep telling you to write these stuff down in advance," you shake your head. "What are you going to do tonight?"
"Suffer through it, I guess. I was just giving you a heads-up so you can get out of here...like right about now."
"What? No way I'm leaving you alone!" you argue passionately. "What if you die?"
"Uh, I'm pretty sure I won't. But you don't get it, without my pills, I could unwittingly put you in danger. My best chance to make sure I'm not a menace to civilized society is to lock the door and tie myself up or something."
"That sounds horrible!" you cry out, feeling intense sympathy for your best friend. "I don't want to leave you alone."
"You have to!" Chan insists. "I would hate myself if I hurt you."
"You won't!" you keep trying to persuade him. "I trust you more than anyone else in the universe."
Chan shakes his head, still hesitant.
"Please, you should leave before the moon comes up."
Little does he know it has already begun to rise...
"No, I'm not leaving you," you keep saying and wrap your arms around him.
Chan desperately tries to push you away. But it is too late.
As the moon's power grows, so does his. The only thing that prevents you from continuing to embrace him is his oncoming transformation. Your arms fall weakly to your side as you witness the impossible. His generally tender, adorable features quickly turn into sharp, wolflike and kind of intimidating ones, if you have to be honest. But this is your best friend, your Chan, you keep reminding yourself. And all the fear disappears from your body. As you kneel down next to him, you run your hand through his soft fur, trying to pet him.
He initially snarls and tries to scare you off but the more you insist, the more he relaxes under your gentle touch. God, you can't believe he was afraid he'd harm you. He's just...a big puppy.
You can't resist the temptation and you hug him again. He's so fluffy you're gonna die! And then, the unimaginable happens. He fucking purrs! Oh dear, if you had already been having a hard time trying to hide your feelings for your best friend, then seeing him like this would surely be your demise.
Then, unexpectedly, he shifts back to his human form, taking you by surprise. One, because that was faster than you'd expected. Two, because he's entirely naked, but doesn't seem perturbed by it. You try your best to look him in the eyes because uh...you're still not sure where this is going.
"Please, go, I don't think I can control myself any longer," Chan begs.
"Control what?" you're so confused. "I already witnessed you in your wolf form, you seem pretty chill."
"It's not my wolf form you should be scared of," Chan warns darkly.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, if you don't get out of my sight in the next ten seconds, I'll fuck you until you pass out. And maybe even after that."
Oh? Wait...OH!!!
"Was that supposed to be a threat or a promise?" you quirk your eyebrows at him.
"Hold on, don't tell me you're actually excited by the prospect?" Chan wants to make sure.
"I mean...don't threaten me with a good time," you shrug calmly.
Chan kneels next to you, grabbing your hands tightly.
"I'm serious right now, don't play with me."
"What makes you think I'm not serious? I trust you, I want you, I lo- Uh, I like you a lot, whatever you do, that won't change," you mentally curse yourself for almost saying the big L-word. You hope he didn't catch that.
Judging from Chan's expression, he seems pretty satisfied with your statement.
"Well, don't say I didn't warn you," he whispers and kisses you harshly, biting your lips and making a mess.
Your mouths are linked by an unending streak of saliva, but honestly you couldn't care less as he claims you, pushing his tongue deeper down your throat, gripping your hair with his fingers for better access. You are already melting. You spoke too soon. You are definitely not ready for this. But you wouldn't be able to make him stop, even if you wanted to.
"Last chance," Chan breaks the kiss to give you the opportunity to back out. To get out of here while you still can.
"Do your worst," you challenge him recklessly and he kisses you again, even harder than before if that is possible.
You know that your best friend, despite his shy and cute demeanour, is physically stronger and bigger than you, but seeing him like this, completely losing control is such a thrill you make sure to commit the picture to memory as vividly as you can.
Chan takes off your clothes in a hurry and just like a hungry wolf, attacks your pussy. And starts devouring it as if it's his last meal on Earth. He doesn't even make the effort to get to the couch, which is so close. He just takes you right there, on the floor. You shake uncontrollably, but he grips your thighs to stop you from moving.
"Please, please, please," you keep repeating even though you have no idea what you're asking for. For him to keep going? For him to stop? You don't know anymore.
"I like it when you beg," Chan smirks against your folds and dives back in, swimming in your water.
It doesn't take you long to burst, completely letting go for him.
"Fuck, you're so beautiful," he praises you, not giving you time to recover and tracing circles around your entrance with his big fingers.
"No, you," you whisper weakly, trying to make him slow down by pushing his hand away. Needless to say, your efforts are in vain. "I'm s-sensitive."
Chan laughs cruelly.
"You can take it," his words are meant to be reassuring but they're not, as he sticks his finger inside of you.
It's just one but it's already so thick you are beginning to lose your mind.
"C-chan, p-please," you cry for him.
"What is it, sweetheart? You want another?" he mocks your lack of coherence and adds a second finger without waiting for your approval.
"N-no, I c-can't," you shake your head desperately.
"Yes, you can," Chan seems fully convinced, adding a third finger. "You're so tiny, gotta stretch you up real good to be able to take my cock next. Don't you want that, babygirl?"
"Yes, I want it," you are quick to agree and do your best to relax for his big fingers.
"Gonna let me take this sweet pussy with my wolf cock? Claim you as mine? Give you my pups?" he asks gently, his unrestrained actions in complete contrast with his sweet words.
"Yes, yes! Gonna let you breed me like the stupid bitch I am," you answer, degrading yourself in the process.
"That's what I like to hear, darling," Chan praises you and makes you come again on his fingers.
You are almost about to pass out. But somehow you manage to hold on for the next part. You want to feel it. Every second of it.
"Are you sure?" he asks once again, melting your heart.
"I've never been more sure about anything in my life," you reaffirm your belief in him.
Chan doesn't wait for a second offer and slides his cock inside of you. Fucking hell, if you thought his fingers were pretty huge, his manhood is on a whole different level. You try to adjust to his monstrous size and focus on his beautiful eyes instead. He's still your Chan, your sweet-
"Fuck, your pussy's so small, gonna rip you in half," Chan grunts loudly.
Okay, not so sweet after all.
"Please, don't. Or do, it's fine by me," you attempt to make a joke.
He laughs and kisses you again, going in deeper. You wrap your hands around his neck in a tremendous effort to ground you, help you remain conscious through it all.
"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Chan keeps talking meanly. "Want me to ruin that tiny pussy of yours?"
"Yes, yes, I want it all," you repeat mindlessly, not caring about the consequences anymore.
Then, as if by some miracle, you feel his cock growing even more while inside of you. Is that even possible? You thought it was just a myth.
Luckily, you're wetter than ever and your pussy easily swallows his knot.
"Gonna fuck you full of my cum, make you my mate, is that okay?" Chan wants to be sure.
"It's okay, Chan, I'll be your mate," you promise, not even sure what that means. But whatever it is, you're fine with it, as long as it's with Chan...
Then, he releases his wolf seed inside of your pussy, making you feel so full, so warm, so complete.
"Take it, baby, I know you can," he reassures you and you do your best to accept his overflowing victory.
It is a total mystery how you still haven't passed out. But you're grateful for it. You'd like to treasure this moment forever.
"I don't think I'll be able to let go of you anytime soon," Chan chuckles softly, still inside of you.
"That's alright, I think I can get used to this," you respond happily, kissing him again.
"Great. 'Cause I don't plan to ever stop hunting you, my sweet little prey," Chan vows.
"I am but a willing victim to whatever it is the full moon did to you," you smile contentedly.
"And if it's not just the full moon?" Chan asks, biting your earlobe playfully with his sharp teeth. "What if I want to have my way with you every night?"
"Who needs sleep anyways?"
The End
#bang chan x reader#stray kids x reader#skz x reader#stray kids smut#bang chan smut#chan x reader#chan smut#stray kids imagines#stray kids fanfic#skz scenarios#stray kids#chan#writing
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Tech Tuesday: Bucky Barnes
Summary: After your mother's death, you're adjusting to life with your autistic younger brother. Thankfully Bucky, your most regular customer, can brighten your day.
Warnings: Caretaker stress, Insecurities, Mentions of death. Let me know if I missed any!
A/N: Reader is female. No other physical descriptors used.
Part 3
Tech Tuesdays Masterlist
You head out the front door of the building, Bucky trailing behind, begging you to stop and talk. You stop long enough to take a deep breath of the fresh air before turning around to face him. His face is contorted into a pained expression, his blue eyes filled with panic, bordering despair.
"Talk," you order.
"I know I said I was giving you my number because we were friends," he starts. "I know I brought you here under the guise of a friendly gesture. I should have been honest from the start and said that I wanted to ask you out but...I could never bring myself to do it. You're so sweet and pretty and patient and kind and you deserve someone who can take care of you. I thought, at the very least, I could be a friend to you."
"Then why did your friend, Steve, think we were dating?"
"I...I never said we were dating. He knew I had a massive crush on you and I told him that I gave you my number. It was stupid of me, but I swear I did it to get him to talk to his girl, not to push the idea that you and I were dating."
"So, you told a lie of omission to your friend?"
"Yes."
You both stand there for a minute. Him fearfully waiting for what you have to say and you trying to figure out how to say what you need.
"I've been lying too," you finally admit. "I...I pushed the idea of just being friends because...because you deserve someone better. Someone who doesn't work a dead end job. Someone who doesn't have to take care of their family ahead of taking care of you. Someone who has a lot less baggage and a lot more...potential."
Bucky chuckles, "have we really both been so insecure this whole time?"
"I think so," you nod. "Which is a damn shame. We could've been doing so much else this while time."
Bucky moves close and puts his hands on your hips. "Well, how do you feel about not wasting any more of that time?"
You look into his bright blue eyes, now filled with cautionary hope. "I think that sounds like a really good idea."
He smiles, relief washing over him, and brings his forehead to yours. "How about a proper date, then? Not an office party."
"So long as it's not a coffee place or a ritzy one."
"There's a diner I sometimes go to for lunch?"
"Perfect."
And it really is kinda perfect. The two of you are finally talking, finally on the same page, and it just feels right. The only thing keeping it from being the first date of your dreams is that you have to keep an eye on the time. You try to apologize to Bucky but he isn't having it.
"You're looking out for your brother. That's admirable."
"I'm glad you think so. Not everyone appreciates it."
Bucky furrows his brows, "who would give you trouble about it?"
"My boss," you confess. "He's...the previous owners were really understanding but the new guy in charge, the one who decided we should switch up the fruit fillings and whatnot? It's not that he's on the warpath but he's definitely focused on getting as much profit as he can."
"And that means he schedules you when he wants, not when you need?"
"Pretty much. I'd love to get a different job, one with better benefits, but it's just never been in the cards for me."
"Why not?"
"I can't afford school. And now, even if I had the money, I don't have the time."
"That's fair," he nods.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"A lot of times, when I talk about these things, people will tell me I'm just making excuses or not trying hard enough. So thank you for not being like that."
He places his hand on yours, "as much as I want to say 'your welcome' I feel like you really need to hold higher standards for others. You definitely deserve to be treated better than that."
"I work customer service, I'm grateful for whatever kindness I can get," you retort with a chuckle.
He smiles at the joke but gives you a serious look, "don't ever be afraid to call me out if I ever treat you less than you deserve." You chuckle but he doesn't. "I never want to treat you like you're not the best thing to ever happen to me."
"I believe you," you affirm. "But people can make mistakes. Look at us earlier tonight. I won't hold it against you if you slip up from time to time."
He pauses at that. "I'll admit, you're far more forgiving than I'm used to."
You smile at him, "then I guess it's not the only one to call out the other if they're being treated poorly."
"Thank you for that," Bucky whispers.
Part 3
Tech Tuesdays Masterlis
Tagging: @alicedopey; @darsynia; @delicatebarness; @ellethespaceunicorn; @icefrozendeadlyqueen;
@jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory; @late-to-the-party-81; @lokislady82; @ozwriterchick; @ronearoundblindly;
@stellar-solar-flare
#tech tuesday#tech tuesday: bucky barnes#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes x female!reader#bucky barnes x barista!reader
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On Your Side (NH13) / Chapter Nine
Pairing: Nico Hischier x Fem!OC Poppy Jensen
WC: 23k (have fun!!)
18+ MDNI!
Chapter Warnings: so we're hitting the ground running here - poppy is horny in abundance tbh so smut!! thigh riding, dry humping, unprotected p in v, she's just a girl who wants what she wants and who are we to judge or kink shame?? that's what I thought. and the rest of this chapter just has some lighthearted banter between two pals welcoming a baby into the world. mentions of anxiety, the usual. poppy is on edge because there's another jensen family dinner. nia being nia, the boys being the boys. if guys talking about women's hormones disturbs you look away now. jealous nico once again, a gender reveal!!!! the fluffiest one you ever did see to be honest. there's maybe a point in this where you could get second hand embarrassment but that's not my problem. honestly I've written this chapter so out of order I don't even know what else is in here or if it all links but you get what you're given atp.
Series Masterlist
Previous Part (Chapter Eight)
A/N: this is potentially my favourite chapter yet these two are so stinkin cute!!!! months ago I had a fleeting thought about a pregnancy pillow and wrote a little thing in my notes about it, and this whole fic so far (150k+ words shoutout all my yappers) has been bred from that single scene which is in this chapter. nine chapters to get the the first thought I ever had of Poppy and Nico. I really hope you guys like it and I'm sorry that this has been the longest between updates yet. hopefully a 20k chapter makes up for it. my plan was always 12 chapters but idk if it will end up being more but just the thought that this is potentially over in 3 or 4 chapters is CRAZY I'm so attached to these two idk what to do with myself!! also once again shoutout to rory @h1sch13r for always inspiring me when it comes to these two and little baby (pepper) cheeto I hope I can make up for spoiling the gender to you like an idiot weeks ago with how cute this reveal is lmao
Poppy
Poppy has given endless thought and mind space to the situation that might bring her and Nico back into some sort of intimate space, together.
A romantic, candle lit dinner, where she’s so in the moment that it only makes sense for them to turn it into something more - baby steps be damned, and he’d take her back to that huge bed of his that she loves so much and keep her there until she can’t function properly, anymore.
A movie night, cuddled up on the couch together, where them spooning ends up with his hand down her pants, or her on top of him as whatever scene flashes in the background, the movie long forgotten as they get lost in each other.
She hadn’t given much thought to it happening in her office, with him finding her all pent up and frustrated after a long day, and he’s all freshly showered after training, his hair still damp and his t-shirt clinging to him in all the right places.
It’s a single look that has her throwing herself at him, hands cupping either side of his face to pull him down until he’s tired of craning his neck, and his hands lift her hips until he’s walking her back and planting her down on her desk.
He pushes at her skirt, pulls at her panties, and pops the buttons of her blouse, all while their mouths move around each other’s, gasps and groans falling between them and hands wandering everywhere they can possibly go.
She tugs at his hair, bunches his t-shirt in her grip and leans into his every touch, falling back onto her palms when their lips part and moves to pepper kisses along her jaw.
“We shouldn’t do this here,” she whispers as his lips press into her neck, pressure firm as the sensitive skin there gets sucked into his mouth, his stubble scratching into her skin in such a way that she opens up even more for him - head craning back, legs widening, hips pushing right to the end of her desk where his thigh presses between them.
“No?” He mutters into her, “You want me to stop?”
“No.” She pouts, and he chuckles against her flesh, the hot air from between his lips sending shivers all the way down her spine. “Of course I don’t want you to stop.”
He hums, pressing his thigh straight against her heat, and she grinds onto it through sheer instinct, seeking whatever pleasure he can give her and moaning out in response as soon as she feels the contact.
“Good girl,” he praises, swiping his chin against the skin he’s marked up until she hisses at the feeling, the prickly hairs on his jaw scraping against where she feels like she’s been rubbed red-raw.
It isn’t until he takes her jaw in his hand, pinching slightly to pull her toward him and slotting their lips together that her hips start to gyrate of their own accord, rubbing against his thigh without shame in the middle of her office, her nails clawing into the wood of her desk until she hopes they leave some sort of mark.
“That feel good?” He mumbles into her mouth, a hand of his falling onto her hip to assist with the movements before he kisses her again.
She just hums against him, eyes screwed shut as she tries to savour the feeling when her clit presses straight against his thigh, his pants being the only barrier.
“M’just gonna move you a little, yeah?”
She nods, mindlessly.
And then his hand is gripping at her thigh, fingers and thumb pressing into the flesh firmly to push her legs even further apart so that he can stand between them, and he unbuttons his jeans with his free hand until he can push them down.
She can’t complain at the lack of friction when this is what she’s getting as a result.
She can see the firm outline of him through his briefs as she looks down between them, her mouth watering slightly just at the sight, until her view is obstructed by his face when he kisses her again.
She tilts her hips in anticipation, ready to meet him when he moves to push into her, but the feeling she gets instead is different. Similar to before, a layer of fabric sits between them as he presses his hips into hers, still not having undressed completely.
She whines, lips pouting so he’s kissing at them as they remain still, and he keeps at it, hips working into her own until he gets frustrated at her lack of response.
“What’s wrong, huh?” He asks, pulling her hips forward himself until he’s right against her and she gasps, “Why’re you being pouty?”
“S’not enough,” she mumbles, “Need more.”
“Aw pretty girl,” he pouts himself, mockingly, “I’m not giving you what you need?”
She shakes her head.
“Thought this is what you wanted? To take things slow?”
“Not this.” She whines, her hand trailing down his abdomen, feeling the soft ridges even beneath his t-shirt, until they meet the elastic of his pants, snapping it teasingly against his skin. “Think you should fuck me.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
The smile he gives reads like a promise of everything to come, of all the dirty, sinful things he’s been waiting all this time to do for her, and she feels her heart jump and thud in response.
He closes the distance again, so that she can’t see between them, his tongue lapping languidly against her own and she’s moaning into his mouth when she feels what she has been craving pressing against her entrance, pressing to slide up until it bumps against her clit and her back arches straight into him.
She feels sticky all over. Lightheaded and far-off like she isn’t even here, and when he finally pushes into her, she’s startled back into clarity.
The shrill beeping of her phone alarm rings on the nightstand right beside her head, and when her eyes adjust to the light, she feels tears of frustration well up in them at the realisation of what she’s just been deprived of.
She still feels sticky. Still feels lightheaded. Feels hot all over and tingly like she’s been left unsatisfied.
Only now, there’s no promise of any sort of reward for it.
She’s alone in her bed with nothing but a pillow for company, and she’s so exasperated she wants to scream.
Yet another cursed pregnancy dream she gets no form of relief or respite from.
She could honestly curse the Hischier genes if this is what they bring.
She’s tired of it, now.
Most of the time, she’s usually able to shake her dreams off as soon as she’s awake, but this one seems to linger in her mind, an ever-present heat creeping up her skin despite the fact she tries to wash it away in the shower.
She feels hot as she gets ready, feels hot as she drives to work, and even in her office, where she can turn on the AC and try to distract herself.
Only that doesn’t work, either.
Obviously.
She’s brought herself to the one place that’s going to bring the whole picture back.
So she ventures upstairs to the supply closet, deciding to fill a box with everything she’s low on just to pass the time - to occupy her mind with something other than the thought of Nico, and him having her legs spread on top of her desk.
She’s closing up when she hears the distant call of her name.
“I’ll take that.” Luke appears seemingly out of nowhere as she’s in her own world, coming toward her before she really has a chance to do anything about it. “Can’t have you carrying these things on your own.”
“It’s not that heavy,” Poppy protests as he takes the box from her hands, clearly not believing her or expecting how light it would be when he takes it into his own. “Told you.”
“Doesn’t matter, it’s best you don’t lift anything, too much work on your body could make your feet swell, and that might not go down. Did you know most women go up a shoe size when they’re pregnant?”
All she can do is blink at him, narrowing her eyes as he talks like he isn’t being a complete weirdo. “I didn’t, how did you know that?”
“I bought a book.” He shrugs as he starts on the way back to her office.
“You bought a-,” she stumbles to follow after him, his long strides already carrying him halfway down the hall, “Luke, you’re gonna end up weirding yourself out with that sort of stuff.”
Him and Jack have both been on at her all week since they found out, appearing to take it in turns to bombard her with gross pregnancy facts, like Nia and the girl with the list - although she’s at least had the decency not to mention that since finding out, herself.
The boys, however, have branded themselves the Funcles, already regaling Poppy with stories of how they’re going to be the ones to make her baby laugh for the first time.
It shouldn’t stress her out, the thought of those two being responsible for a baby - not with Mr Research in front of her - but it does. Luke would probably learn too many weird facts, and stress himself into some kind of almighty meltdown.
She had to block them last night for her own peace.
“Too late. I already know too much.”
“Like what?”
“I know that as of this week, your baby has started peeing inside you, which is absolutely gross.”
That is gross. She didn’t know that. She doesn’t really want to know that. If only she could block him in real life, too.
“I need you to hand the book over.”
“Can’t, Jack’s reading it now, we’re very serious about this funcle thing.”
“Luke,” she warns, not wanting to be on the receiving end of this horror from everybody.
“What? The more we know the better we can help you.”
“What book did you get that from?” She scoffs, pressing the button for the elevator while his hands are full.
“Same one. It’s good, I’ll tell Jack to give it to Nico after, it’s all about what you’ll be going through in each stage of your pregnancy-,”
“Nico doesn’t need the book, Luke, he’s going through it with me.” She frowns a little as she says it, a little voice in her head telling her it isn’t exactly working out like that. “And I thought me blocking you guys would have made it clear enough, I don’t want your weird facts. If I need to know something, I’ll find out from my doctor, not your deep dives on the internet.”
“Hey, to be fair, I was just trying to prepare you with the thing about your brain.” They step into the elevator and she presses the button for her floor, “Maybe yours won’t shrink, maybe you’ll-,”
“Nope. No more talk about pregnancy symptoms. You’re on a time out, funcle privileges revoked. If you want to be unblocked, you’ve got to give up Google.”
“I don’t know if it’s worth it, I use Google for everything,” he frowns, like this is an actual thing he needs to seriously consider, “How will I know what I can and can’t eat?”
“You’re not a dog, Luke, if you can buy it, you can eat it.”
“I can buy bleach-,”
“You know exactly what I meant.”
“Fine. No more Google.” Luke huffs, stepping out with Poppy as the doors slide open, “But if I eat an unidentifiable seed and it’s poisonous, we all know who’s to blame.”
“Maybe stay away from seeds, then?”
“My body is a temple, PJ, you can’t tell me what goes in.”
If he wasn’t doing her a wasted favour with the box, she’d probably give him a hearty shove. He can be so irritating when he wants to be. Now she has his death-by-unidentifiable-seed weighing on her conscience.
“Got to get all my nutrients in if I’m gonna be Mitchie’s favourite uncle, Nico looks like the type of dude that makes chunky babies.”
He probably isn’t wrong, not that she entirely wants to think about it, but baby Cheeto measures a little over expectations every time she has a scan, and her bump is a little bigger than the average, she has been told.
“I really don’t want those kinds of ideas in my head,” she pouts, her mind immediately going to the delivery aspect of it all, relief flooding her system as her office finally comes into sight, “And for the last time, I’m not calling my baby Mitchie short for Michigan.”
“It’s better than calling it Cheeto,” Luke scoffs, “At least Mitchie is unisex.”
Poppy gasps, stopping and placing two hands over her bump as if she’s covering tiny little ears in there. “Words hurt, Luke, you’re hardly gonna be favourite uncle chirping my baby in the womb.”
“Actually, it can’t hear anything outside of your body until like 28 weeks.”
“If I could block you in person, I would.” She’s pushing the door to her office open as she says it, turning to face him and walking in backwards to give him a meaningful glare when she notices his face twist in confusion at something behind her.
When she spins around to see what he’s bothered by, she sees a tall figure stood by her wall, hands in his pockets as he looks over the photographs that line it - and even from the back, she can tell who it is.
“Dad, what are you doing here?”
“Looking at all your pictures, I’ve never seen any of these before.”
That’s because you don’t care about my work, she withholds from biting back, remembering Luke’s presence behind her and not at all prepared to have any sort of family bust up today - especially not in work. “You’re from this one. 43. A little scrawny to be an athlete, aren’t you son?” He points to one of the pictures, one of Poppy, Luke, Johnny and Holtzy before a game at the beginning of the season.
“I’m-,” Luke frowns, almost comically if Poppy wasn’t too tense now to laugh, “Scrawny?”
“Look like you’d snap in two if I ran at you too hard.”
“Aren’t you a little old to be running at people?” Maybe she isn’t too tense to laugh. “Respectfully, I mean.”
“Thank you for your help, Luke,” Poppy takes the box from his hands and immediately puts it on the couch in the corner before he can protest, making eyes at him to get out of there before it’s too late. It’s for his own safety. “I’ll unblock you later, I promise.”
“Right.” He nods, “Catch you later, PJ. Good to meet you, sir.”
He dashes out so quick she swears he leaves a Luke shaped outline in his wake, her door swinging shut before she can even call out a response.
“No pictures of the boyfriend?” Her dad asks once he’s gone, taking another quick look over the wall.
“They’re at home.” She says, going around the other side of her desk so that there’s some sort of barrier between them. “Did something happen? Is that why you’re here?”
“Cant a father visit his daughter at work?”
“If he can name her job title without looking it up, then sure.”
“I don’t need to know your job title, Poppet, I know the day you were born and how much you weighed, beyond that, I’m not expected to remember the little things.”
It isn’t the little things, she thinks, it’s my career.
“Whatever,” she sighs, not wanting to get into it, “What are you here for, dad?”
He sits in the chair opposite her, looking a little large for life now that she’s properly seeing him in front of her. It’s like when he would sit at her tea parties as a kid, always too big for the chairs and table.
“I came to say that what happened at dinner last week was embarrassing.”
She can’t help but roll her eyes, despite how petulant he probably thinks it is, crossing her legs and wiggling her mouse to bring her computer to life, hoping if she looks busy enough this conversation will be much shorter.
She’s been trying not to think about it, trying to suppress the floods of disappointment that wash over her every time she remembers it. Her mother’s biting words, her father’s indifference, it all hurts just the same.
“I’m not gonna apologise for defending myself, or defending Nico, I don’t care if I humiliated-,”
“I was embarrassed of myself.”
“I-,” Oh. Just as she feels herself start to get defensive again, his words register. “What?”
“I’m your dad, I’m supposed to stick up for you and have your back.” He frowns, “Especially knowing how hard your mom is on you, and what you’re going through, I was just blindsided by the whole Rich Horowitz thing with your brother, and-,”
“You’re supposed to stick up for him, too, dad. You’re just as hard on Oli.” She doesn’t know why she’s defending her brother after what he did, but after all these years it’s almost like a second nature. She can snap at him, but if anyone else does the same, she won’t let it slide.
“Says you, you called him an idiot.”
“Yeah, well he got under my skin.”
“He was being an idiot. We all were, that’s why it’s embarrassing.” He sighs, “It took your boyfriend stealing my job for me to realise-,”
“Stealing your job?”
What on Earth does he mean by that?
“What is it that you kids say? He handed my ass to me?”
“What kid taught you that?” Oli’s boys are too young to know that one, and it won’t have come from her brother. Is the demographic at the club really that young these days that someone’s teaching her dad the meaning of having his ass handed to him? It can’t have been Nico. “What do you mean?”
“After you and your mother stormed off, he gave me and your brother a verbal spanking, if you will.”
I won’t, she thinks, unable to stop the grimace that comes out in instinctual response at her father mentioning spanking.
“He yelled at you?”
“Well I can’t picture the boy yelling, Poppy, he’s a little gentle-mannered, don’t you think?” His tone is patronising, but from the way this conversation is going, she doesn’t think that’s his intention, for once. “That isn’t a bad thing, of course! I wouldn’t want my daughter to be with a man so quick to raise his voice, anyway.”
“What did he say?”
“That’s probably up to him to tell you.” He shrugs, “He just made me realise that I haven’t been the most supportive of you lately. With all this,” his hands gesture around the room, “And that,” and then towards her belly. “And I didn’t give either of you a chance the other week. I’d like to get to know the guy who sat at a table in my house and had the guts to put me in my place. Have a do-over.”
Her mouth hangs open at the revelation, blinking slowly as she tries to come to terms with what her father has just said.
Nico stood up for her? To her dad? After how eager he was to impress him and bond with him over something - he just laid down the law on how she deserves to be treated? Like it’s nothing for him to do so? And he didn’t even tell her he’d done so, didn’t even try to get some brownie points?
And her dad respected it enough to come all the way out here and ask for another shot?
“You want a do-over?”
“I do. One of my golfing buddies has a suite at Madison Square Garden, he’s a big Knicks guy, but he rarely uses it for the Rangers, he’s said we can use it for the game on Wednesday. It is your guys they’re playing, right?”
The game on Wednesday.
Who is this man and what has he done with her dad?
Her dad who has never shown anything but distain for hockey in his life, has voiced it so much to Poppy since she started working with the Devils that she stopped talking about work, entirely.
She nods, anyway.
“And then we’re gonna treat you and Nico to lunch on Thursday, if he’s free.”
“We?”
“Me and your mother.”
Poppy gulps. She’ll probably have something to say about Nico speaking up in her defence.
“She’ll be on her best behaviour, I’ve had assurances.”
“Right,” she scoffs, finding that hard to believe. “I don’t know, Dad, I don’t think a game against the Rangers is the best place to do this-,”
“I want to understand your world, Poppy.”
Well that’s a cruel thing to say to an overly emotional pregnant woman, she thinks, eyes watering at the thought that maybe this could actually be a turning point for them.
All thanks to Nico.
“Okay.” She agrees, despite her better judgement warning her against doing so.
“Great. I’ll email you the details for the suite. I have to go, your mom is getting her hair done and I won’t hear the end of it if I’m late to meet back up with her.”
“You guys are over this way?”
“We’re in midtown for a conference on Tuesday, we’ll be going back on Thursday after lunch.”
Poppy just nods in response, having nothing more to say to the fact they’re just across the river and neither thought to check up on her.
She supposes this is that, her dad checking up, so she lets it go as she rounds the table to hug him goodbye before he leaves her alone with her thoughts.
She’s only alone for a minute before her door opens without a knock, and she looks up to see an out of breath Nico barging into her office, skin almost glossy with sweat and still donned in his team gym gear.
He pants to catch his breath once he has closed the door behind him, putting his hands on his hips and frowning over at Poppy, who can’t help the alarm that crosses her own features.
“Are you okay?” She stands and rounds back to his side of her desk, standing before him to get a better look, assessing for any way in which he could be hurt, because why else would he rush straight here in a panic?
“Yeah,” he breathes, tongue swiping out against his bottom lip as he looks over her in the same way, head tilted and eyes blinking slowly, “Are you? Luke said your dad was here, I was worried you’d be upset.”
“Oh,” her lips remain in a pout around the word as her eyes dart to where she can see a little bit of sweat trickling down the side of his neck, and she feels hot, herself, all of a sudden. “I’m good.” The words slip from her mouth before she can even think of them, making up for the way her mind is racing at a million miles an hour out of nowhere.
“You sure?” He runs a hand through his hair, and she sees his t-shirt strain against bulging biceps, making her struggle to swallow and only able to nod in response. “I ran up here like a madman,” he chuckles, stepping around her to sink down into the chair behind, spreading his legs and laying his arms on the rest in a way that reminds her of the dream she had been woken too soon from this morning.
It’s a real mental effort not to let her eyes travel lower than his broad, heaving chest as she looks down at him, perching herself on the edge of her desk, awkwardly, not knowing what to do with her own arms and legs that isn’t going to elicit such sinful thoughts.
“Sorry, I didn’t tell him to go find you or anything.”
“No, it’s okay, I asked the boys to come get me if they think you need me,” he shrugs, like that isn’t going to cause her heart to do little somersaults in her chest. “Would have ended up here at some point this morning, anyway.”
“Less stressed, though.”
“Always stressed when it comes to you.” She kicks softly at his calf, underestimating just what the effects of the touch would do to either of them when he smirks up at her, his eyes dark and inviting.
All she wants to do is crawl into his lap.
This isn’t your ridiculous dream, Poppy, she tells herself, chewing at the corner of her mouth to ground her mind.
“He wants a re-do.” She tells him, “My dad. He and my mom are staying in Manhattan for something this week, and he wants to come to the Rangers game on Wednesday, and have lunch with us the day after.”
Nico straightens up in his seat, leaning his elbows onto his knees as he looks up at her. “That’s a good sign, right?”
The gleam in his eyes paints a picture of optimism, and the thought that anything about this is going to result in a positive outcome, but Poppy knows her parents too well to get her hopes up.
“I don’t know,” she shrugs, “He seemed apologetic, but I doubt my mom is going to have magically changed her entire outlook in the span of a week.”
“Getting your dad on side is still a win,” he keeps that sweet smile despite her pessimism, and she feels a little lighter just looking at the curve of his lips.
“Yeah, I heard I have you to thank for that.”
He pauses a second while he thinks over her words, before slinking back into his seat, defeated, but still deciding to feign ignorance. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Really?”
“Nope.”
“That’s a shame,” she pouts, “‘Cause my dad told me about someone matching your description, sitting at his dinner table and putting him in his place about not sticking up for his daughter.”
“Sounds like a decent guy,” Nico shrugs, standing from the seat, closer to Poppy than either of them could have anticipated, their knees bumping together as she’s now the one looking up at him. “Probably didn’t mean to cause any offence and just wanted to defend the mother of his child like she did for him.” His hand reaches instinctively to settle against her side, the tips of his fingers on her waist and his palm caressing her belly.
She hums, lips curving as she watches his eyes drop to where his hand is, fighting the urge to touch him back.
“Sounds very decent.” She agrees, “No one’s ever gone to bat for me like that, before.”
“Yeah, well, whoever he is, he knows he’s the luckiest guy in the world to have you.”
A large palm comes to cradle her cheek as she beams up at him, and his touch lights all her nerve endings ablaze.
Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, she thinks, with him practically stood between her legs and his melted chocolate eyes looking into hers, swirling with what feels like adoration.
They dart down to her lips, and his tongue swipes at his own, and just when she thinks this is it, think he’s going to lean in and close the gap, his phone buzzes in the pocket of his shorts.
He sighs as he retrieves the hand from her face to get it, frowning as he looks down at the screen while his other palm stays on her belly. “I have to get back,” he mutters, “But Thursday is fine with me, I’m free. I’ll text you when I’m done with practice, we’ll figure everything out,”
“Okay,” she smiles, despite the fact that she feels like she’s now wound tighter than a drum, all the anticipation in her body stiffening her muscles as she watches him retreat.
“Or we could do lunch together later?”
She should be embarrassed of how quick and how eager she nods in response, but she can’t really be ashamed when he smiles the way he does, a soft laugh accompanying it as the dimples settle into his cheeks.
“Let me know what you want and when you’re free and I’ll bring it by.”
“Okay,” she breathes as he gets a little closer, smiling back shyly.
He swipes his knuckle along the curve of her bump, before leaning in and pressing a kiss to her cheek, and she hopes he doesn’t notice the way she smushes herself into it, nuzzling into the feeling of his lips against her skin. She can feel him smile against her, though, so that hope goes out of the window too quick for her to really care.
“I’ll see you later then, Poppy.”
“And Cheeto.”
And he leverages two hands at either side of her hips on her desk before leaning down, face level with her belly as he says, “And you too, Cheeto.”
She's gonna have to stop letting him into her office, for her own sanity.
“I’m gonna need your dad to tell me who hooked us up with this suite, this is insane!”
Poppy hadn’t been sure when her dad had sent over the instructions on how to get to his friend’s suite at MSG, especially not when the staff had been so attentive and treated the girls like they were the most important people in the building, having a guide literally walk them to the door before letting them know where he’d be if they needed anything replenished while they are here. But now that she’s in the suite, she gets it entirely.
She’s used to watching from the staff suite at work, but even those aren’t as nice as this one.
The room itself is intimate, dim, warm lighting cast across leather seating, pictures of the arena on the wall, and a few pictures of Knicks winning their championships in the 70’s. Thankfully not a Rangers themed box or Poppy’s nausea might have returned.
“It’s alright,” she shrugs, trying to ignore how incredible it is to be in a private suite at MSG. She’s a Prudential girl, always loyal to The Rock. Private restrooms and a VIP entrance won’t sway her to the dark side, she isn’t that fickle.
“Oh my God, they have baked cookies.”
When she looks over at Nia, she has the lid lifted on one of the trays in the chafer in the corner, the smell of fresh, hot cookies flooding the room and luring Poppy over like a siren-call. There’s a tray of quesadillas, some crudités, a salad and some chicken fingers, and she wants to eat all of it.
It’s probably a good thing she can’t drink, because the mini bar might have done the trick.
“I’m not waiting for my parents to dig into this.”
“You’re pregnant, they’ll understand.”
The two best friends share a knowing look before breaking out into laughter, and filling two plates with food before going to sit at the counter-like table that overlooks the ice.
Poppy feels her anxiety slip away a little as her and Nia catch up, hearing about her work and her dad’s new random venture into woodworking that has him flooding her apartment with new shelves and a TV unit so that he can test their durability before he builds Poppy a crib, her heart melting at the thought of him being so sweet to someone who isn’t even his own daughter.
They watch as the arena fills up, the noise building to a continuous buzz that always makes her hands shake a little, and Nia, knowing her all too well, is able to distract Poppy entirely from her parents impending arrival and whatever else is going on in her crazy mess of a head.
That is until she gasps, pointing toward the jumbotron that’s playing some sort of preview. “Look, it’s your man.”
“I don’t know if I’d call him my man.” Poppy huffs as she manages to catch a glimpse of him, a 2 second flash that has her whole body vibrating.
“I thought things were going well?”
“I don’t know, Ni,” Poppy sighs as she leans back, snapping a cucumber stick in half, “I mean, they are, but I guess I just thought he would have made a move by now.”
“Haven’t you been pushing him away every time he tries?”
“No. I pushed him away once.” She frowns, rolling her eyes when Nia raises a single brow at her incredulously, “Maybe twice, 3 times, maximum. But that was so long ago, now. And things have been so good lately, he’s been incredible.” Poppy’s limbs feel a little like jelly as she melts into her seat, her mind relaying all the ways in which Nico has been a rock for her over the past few months. Taking her to her appointments, going on grocery runs with her, coming around and helping her put them away. The whole family dinner ordeal and the agreement for a re-do.
He’s so good to her that it’s driving her up the wall.
“But?” Nia asks, knowing her best friend all too well.
“But nothing! I wanna,” Poppy looks behind her to double check her parents haven’t arrived yet, “climb him like a tree,” she whispers, “and he’s being respectful and decent about it.”
“Ugh, what a dick.” Nia scoffs in faux-agreement, raising her arms mockingly.
“I know.” Despite the fact that Poppy knows Nia is being sarcastic, she carries on anyway to further drive her point home. “He came by my office the other day, and he was all sweaty and gorgeous, and things got all intense, and kissed me on the cheek. How am I supposed to slip him some tongue when he kisses my cheek? And then he came back later for lunch and pretended like everything was normal.”
He had brought her a wrap and some juice, and the two of them had sat and eaten together in her office like he wasn’t about to kiss her stupid in the morning, stood between her parted legs like something fresh out of a literal fantasy she’s already had.
“I thought you’d last a little longer before you completely lost your mind, to be honest. You’re falling apart before my very eyes.”
“I haven’t even told you about the dreams yet.”
“Let’s keep it that way.”
“I just feel like I’m running out of time, or something.”
“You guys are having a baby together, Pop, you literally have forever to figure things out.”
Poppy knows that’s technically right. It had been her exact sentiment when she had suggested taking things slow in the first place. They don’t need to rush into something just because they’re going to be parents, soon, but she had thought those things at a time where everything was confusing.
She was still hurting a little, fresh from almost a month of the two of them not talking, of him rejecting her and telling her he wouldn’t have the capacity to be a good partner. And she had been a little overwhelmed at the time, her life changing before her eyes, and all. But he’s done so much to disprove all of that, since.
He’s there for her, physically, emotionally, however she needs and whenever she needs him. He looks after her, tries to help in whatever way he can when she’s exhausted or feeling sick - brings her food and smoothies and sends her pick-me-up texts that make her feel like she’s floating.
All that when he’s in the thick of his season too, fighting what is looking more and more like a losing battle for playoff contention, going home every day exhausted and beaten and bruised, and he always makes the time to call her. To ask how she’s doing, how she’s feeling, to make sure she has eaten and is tucked up for the night and safe.
They kiss each other, they hang out like old times, he caresses her belly when they’re in private and she rubs his back affectionately when they cuddle, and sure, her hormones are all out of whack and her brain is shrinking and maybe she is falling apart, but she wants him so bad she doesn’t even know how to function, anymore.
Everything they do together points to the fact that they should be together, but he isn’t doing anything about it - and so all Poppy can think is that maybe he doesn’t want that, still.
“He’s going home for the summer, Ni,” Poppy frowns, “And we haven’t even really talked about it, but I feel like if something doesn’t happen before then, then maybe it never will.”
“That’s ridiculous, you said it yourself, the two of you are in a good place.”
“This time last year we were in a good place too, and then he left and came back with a girlfriend.”
Nia’s eyes widen as realisation flashes across her features, and Poppy’s brows push together at the depth in which she’s being perceived by her best friend. “You’re really worried about that?”
Poppy shrugs, shuffling in her seat as she watches the lights dim across the arena, thankful for the darkness so that Nia can’t notice the heat creeping up her neck.
She doesn’t want to be told she’s an idiot, right now.
“You’re being an idiot.”
Great.
“Poppy, c’mon, this isn’t even remotely the same situation, anymore. I know I’ve been giving him a hard time since he hurt you, and I’ve had a lot of other things to say, but that guy worships the ground you walk on. I posted a picture of you on my story the other day with some writing on there, and he replied to it asking me to send him the original picture like a giant lovesick dork. That’s like obsession, there’s no chance in hell he’s going home and not thinking about you and your baby every waking second of his life.”
“You unblocked him?” Poppy can feel her lips twitching a little into a smile.
She knows Nia never hated Nico after what he did - she was angry, and probably felt betrayed herself a little that she had trusted him with her best friend’s heart and he had stomped on it - but she’s never really been a forgive and forget kind of person.
But she’s been doing her own version of baby steps with Nico. When they cross paths at Poppy’s apartment, one on the way out, one on the way in, she no longer scowls at him. No longer rolls her eyes when he’s brought up in conversation.
And, evidently, she no longer has him blocked
For everything Nico has done to prove himself to Poppy, Nia has seen it, too.
Even just to let him back in, in such a small way, is such a big step.
“He’s on a probationary period, three strikes and he’s out.”
“Wrong sport.” Poppy smirks.
“Don’t care. Besides the point anyway, what I was trying to say is that you’re worrying too much about stupid things when you should be focusing on the things he is doing. He literally endured dinner with your parents, and is going to do it again. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.”
“I thought the point of this pep talk was to stop my anxiety, not double it.”
She’s been trying not to think about lunch with her parents. Has been trying even not to think about them coming to this game, Nia being the only reason she hasn’t tried to make her escape by now.
They probably won’t show, anyway, and it will start their meeting off tomorrow with already raised tensions, just how her mom prefers it.
Her stress levels dip and rise like a rollercoaster in the build up to the game. The announcement of the players, the national anthem, the tension in the room palpable as the clock ticks down, high already from the last time the two teams met and the constant chatter of a fight breaking out on the ice - and she’s feeling more and more grateful that they haven’t arrived yet.
Until the door to the suite swings open, and her dad walks in on his own, an apologetic smile on his face as he rushes over.
“Sorry I’m late,” He kisses Poppy and the cheek, and greets Nia with a warm hug, sitting beside his daughter and looking out into the arena, “Did I miss anything?”
“Pucks about to drop,” Poppy tells him as he gets himself comfy, watching as he scans the crowd with an expression that kind of, sort of, looks like awe. “Mom’s not coming?”
“Not this time,” he shrugs, patting a hand against her back gently and not really delving any further into it. “We’ll have more fun without her though.”
Nia scoffs from the other side of her, hiding her smile with a bite of a cookie while Poppy tries to swallow down her unexpected disappointment.
This will have to be enough - her dad trying his best while her mom sulks on her own in her hotel room. He’s right, anyway. It will be more fun without her here.
Poppy has work the next day, Nico having a rare morning off, himself, and so the two of them arrange for him to pick her up at lunch, driving over to meet her parents together. She blocked the afternoon out of her diary, having to account for the travel either way across the river, and for whatever trauma the two of them are about to face, no doubt needing a good 20 minutes to wind down in the car after, and her morning goes by way quicker than she probably would have liked.
She packs up her office with as much delay as she can cause, stopping every couple of minutes to put her hands on her hips and try out a couple breathing exercises that Nico has been teaching her, huffing out long breaths through puffed out cheeks and letting the tension drop from her shoulders. Once she has everything, she reluctantly heads down to meet Nico where they had agreed after he sends her a text to tell her he’s there.
She straightens her skirt out as she waits in the elevator, making sure her hair is neat and her top isn’t riding up against her small bump as it has been all morning, no longer able to cover it up with her cardigan tied around her waist, knowing her mother would call her out for being unkempt.
She wouldn’t be wearing heels if it were up to her, a subtle ache already settling into the soles of her feet, but it’s only for an hour or two, she has some sneakers in her trunk for when he brings her back for her car, and if anything, they make her legs look good so it isn’t entirely a bad thing to be wearing them around Nico.
When the doors to the parking level open, she has the expectation that he would be in his normal spot around the corner, where the players usually park - the spaces a little bigger, less chance of anyone being careless with the way they open their door and dinging it against another like she’s had happen before - but she’s surprised to see he isn’t too far, parked straight ahead so she doesn’t have far to walk.
Nico leans against his car, dressed smart in charcoal pants and a light grey shirt, and she finds herself doing a not-so-subtle once over, mainly to check he isn’t wearing sneakers.
She’s grateful she has a little time to walk over to him, to admire him before it’s too obvious she’s doing so, because if he got a close enough look at her, he could potentially call her out for drooling.
She catches him doing the same, eyes lingering on her bare legs as she closes the distance between them, before flickering up to greet her with a dimpled smile.
“You look good,” she comments as she steps toward him, reaching to smooth his hair where he’s slicked it back a little, swiping her finger along his clean shaven jaw as she retreats.
“It goes against everything I believe in, wearing dress pants this early in the day.”
“I appreciate it.”
“I know you do.”
He opens the car door for her and walks by the front to round to his side, giving her a chance to admire the back of him as he moves before he’s jumping into the drivers seat.
She reaches to put the AC on low as he drives, getting a little hot watching his fingers flex around the wheel, and tries not to spend all her time leaning against the headrest and looking over his side profile like a crazy person.
Although, if admiring a guy as gorgeous as Nico while he’s in her presence is a crime, she thinks she probably deserves to be locked up.
She’s a repeat offender, after all.
“You feeling okay?”
“Yeah, I feel weirdly good, actually.” Her morning at work hadn’t been too hectic, a meeting and a few calls, and she hasn’t really felt sick all week, so things are definitely looking up.
And last night with her dad went better than expected, despite her mom not making an appearance.
She’s even slightly optimistic for this lunch, oddly enough, not having that nagging voice in her head telling her everything is going to fall apart, for once.
“What about you? You aren’t gonna threaten to drive off again, are you?”
“Nah,” he chuckles, casting her an amused glance before focusing back on the road. “I think I’ve got a good read for how these Jensen table talks go by now.”
“I think my dad will be okay today, he got really into the game last night. I think it was all the fighting, and my mom not being there, it was like he’s been holding back all this time.”
She had been initially disappointed when her mom hadn’t shown, but when all the fighting had started, she had been relieved. She had warned her dad when he had made the suggestion in the first place, but nothing could have properly prepared him for the carnage of a game against the Rangers, and so she just had to let him endure it.
And he loved it. It was bizarre to see. He’d been cheering on the boys, oohing and aah-ing in time with the crowd, and jumping whenever she and Nia did.
She had actually had fun, and it seemed like he did, too.
“He’ll be coming to The Rock in a jersey before we know it.”
“Is that how things work out for you, everyone just comes around in the end ‘cause your so charming?”
“Surprised it took you this long to notice.”
Poppy’s parents are waiting in their hotel lobby when Poppy and Nico arrive after a quick drive, thankfully both dressed just as smart as they are, because she knows Nico would have something to pout about if her dad showed up in khakis.
The four of them sit around a table in the lounge restaurant of her parent’s hotel in Midtown, her dad having tried to find another spot and her mom having quickly vetoed every cafe or restaurant in the area after vigorously trawling through the Yelp reviews and no doubt turning her nose up at every picture she came across.
Despite the setting being suited to her, she still rearranges her table setting when she arrives, still swipes at the surface and assesses her finger for dust or grime with a dissatisfied look on her face, and Poppy’s trying her best to ignore the little things. Her mom would be like this in the finest restaurant in the world, it isn’t specific to Jersey, it isn’t entirely personal.
It has been cordial, so far. Pleasantries exchanged, small talk conversed. The food had been nice, the wait staff thankfully avoiding her mother’s daring glares, and Poppy starts to feel her anxiety dwindle the more her father talks.
He asks Nico of his interests, trying to find something shared, but coming up slightly short - but that’s okay, she thinks, not everyone has something in common. Maybe they’ll discover that down the line. Maybe there’s something niche that their conversations haven’t sparked yet.
Nico is his charming self, she has no worries there, and her dad is putting in enough effort to make up for the lack of it on her mom’s end.
Then he moves onto hockey, and Poppy can tell he had been paying attention when he had watched them play the day before.
She and Nia had been too invested in the game to explain much to him, and it’s hard - being in the arena, watching it live - without having heard most of the terminology through commentary or any sort of breakdown of a play, and so Nico ends up pretty much going through plays and game structure with him, explaining penalties and power plays, shift switches and face-offs, and Peter sits, nodding along as if he’s actually taking it on board.
“And what do you do with yourself when your season is over?” Her dad asks, and despite the depth in which she knows him, can see the lingering suspicion and distrust in Nico, and of their situation as a whole, she’s grateful for that fact that he’s at least trying.
“I usually go back home and spend time with my family, sir. My brother plays in the league over there so I don’t get to see him when we’re playing at the same time.”
“That’s nice. And that’s Sweden?”
“Switzerland, Dad.” Poppy corrects him, her fingers tickling mindlessly at Nico’s palm in her lap.
“Of course! Beautiful country, Poppy’s mother and I always used to stop by Zurich whenever we were in Europe. You loved the Opera House, didn’t you, Cilla?”
“Hm,” Poppy’s mom confirms, sipping at her wine with feigned disinterest. Poppy knows she’s paying attention, is going through Nico’s every word with a fine toothed comb. “I much preferred France.”
Poppy rolls her eyes, shifting a little in her seat until her knees knock into Nico’s.
“What do your parents do, son?”
“They both work in insurance, my dad has his own firm.”
“Ah, they’re not athletic, like you and your brother?”
“They were. My mom was a swimmer, my dad played footba- sorry, soccer. And my big sister, Nina, she used to play volleyball.”
“I bet your family game nights get heated.”
He really is trying, Poppy thinks, smiling softly over at Nico as he chuckles in response, lips twisting fondly at whatever memory that invokes.
“They aren’t too bad, only a bit competitive. No major fights, thankfully.”
“Is that what you want for our grandchild?” Priscilla chimes in, only proving Poppy’s point that she isn’t as disinterested as she’d like to seem. “For them to put all their focus on games and competitions?”
“Mom,” Poppy frowns, shuffling uncomfortably again, all too ready to jump to Nico’s defence until he speaks up from beside her.
“It’s okay,��� he assures her, “I haven’t thought much about it, to be honest, I would just want them to be happy.”
He doesn’t say it like he’s trying to win points or be corny, when Poppy turns her head to look at him, she sees the slight dopey smile he has whenever he talks about their baby - a look of pure adoration for even the unknown - and she smiles too. If anything, his outlook would have the opposite effect on her mother than to give him any sort of kudos, but her heart warms, all the same.
She clutches at his hand under the table, giving him a reassuring squeeze that he returns three times over.
“Nico plays for Switzerland, too,” she directs more towards her father, who might be a little more receptive to the fact, “They have the world championships in Prague this year, if the Devils don’t make the playoffs, Nico might be going over earlier. Might even captain the team.” She beams with pride, using her other hand to rub at the arm of the hand of his that she’s holding.
“That’s great-,”
“That’s an awfully busy schedule for a father-to-be.” Her mother scoffs from across the table. “How are you supposed to look after my daughter from half way across the world?”
“I can look after myself, Mom.”
“You shouldn’t have to. What if something happens, and he’s 9 hours away?”
Why does she have to be like this?
Poppy can feel the responsive insolence brewing within her, bubbling and steaming and about to rear it’s ugly head when another voice speaks up.
“Cilla, that’s enough. She’s shown us she can take care of herself, stop trying to instigate something and scare her for no good reason.”
Poppy feels herself mirror her mom’s expression, her mouth gaping open in shock at the nerve of him to stand up to her like that out of nowhere. As Priscilla presses her lips together in indignation, Poppy prepares hers to speak when her dad turns to Nico, completely disregarding the interruption in their conversation.
“Is that different? Being a captain for your country compared to the Devils?”
She could lean over the table and kiss him on the head, beyond grateful for the interest he’s now showing, hoping it overpowers the venom spewed from her mother’s mouth.
“A little bit,” Nico nods, lips curving softly at the corners, clearly appreciative, too. “I don’t really have to worry about trades and contracts and stuff when it comes to my national teammates. I grew up with a lot of those guys, and the tournament is a lot closer to home than the games here. I don’t want to say I prefer it, but it’s always nice to play closer to my family and friends.”
“You’ll have to let me know when it’s on the TV, Poppy. After last night, I’d love to watch more games. It was quite exciting.”
She squeezes his hand again, her smile wider when she looks up at him this time, her eyes settling on the dimples she wants to press her lips to.
Her dad’s words from the other day ring in her head.
He made me realise I haven’t supported you in the way I should be.
Her dad has never stuck up for her like this. Always turning a blind eye to the way her mom zeroes in on all the things that could possibly sting her - and here he is, in public no less, putting her in her place to protect Poppy. To protect Nico, even.
“I don’t know if that game was the best introduction for you, sir.” Nico chuckles, “We lost, too.”
“I have it on good authority that that’s only because the Rags are a bunch of no-good cheaters.”
Nico snorts, glancing down and meeting Poppy’s gaze, fondly. “Is that so?”
“I said dirty, rotten, no-good cheaters, actually,” she shrugs, “Dad, if you’re gonna start chirping, you’ve got to put a little more heart into it.”
“You’ll have to teach me, Poppet,” Peter tells his daughter, “Maybe that’s how we keep you busy this summer, you can get me up to scratch for the next season.”
And despite the way her heart hammers in her chest at the mention of her having to be kept busy and the thought of being apart from Nico, she feels the tension in her shoulder slip away. Even her mom’s sour face can’t ruin this moment, where her dad starts showing slight signs of approval for the first time in her life, she feels.
“We can discuss my rates, later.” She smiles over at him, cheeks tightening and eyes watering slightly as she smiles, her appreciation for his time, and for the moment, far outweighing her disappointment in the woman sat beside him.
It’s only two days later that Poppy and Nico are separated again, him and the team leaving a day early for their game against the Senators, situating him overnight in a hotel in Ottawa when she really wants him back with her in Jersey.
It’s getting pathetic now, she thinks, the way she misses him all the time. It’s one day. She’s still texting him, still speaking to him practically every hour. She shouldn’t need to have him right next to her at all hours of the day.
If anything, she needs to start getting used to this - him not being around. Within the next month, he’ll be back home in Switzerland and she’ll be here, grumbling and moaning to herself and everyone but him about how she wants him back.
She’s been trialling out other people’s company too, as pitiful as that sounds. Nia she knows is a safe bet - she’ll be around, already in full auntie mode and more than ready for Poppy to enter her nesting and shopping phase. Jack and Luke will be going back to Michigan, no doubt, but they’re bound to have some trips back to Jersey. Kelsey is kind of a no-go, because despite the fact that she still considers her one of her best friends, she’s all of a sudden under the impression that Poppy is no fun now that she’s pregnant, and she doesn’t have the energy in her to prove her otherwise. Josh at work had come with her for lunch earlier in the day. He’s alright company, but a little boring, if anything - doesn’t make her laugh straight from her belly, not like Nico, not that she’s comparing them.
Nothing really compares to him, if she’s honest, so it’s a fruitless task to even try.
And so, she’s resigning herself to the little version of him that sits in his poor-signal box on her FaceTime app, crashing and pausing and cutting out sometimes when he speaks.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a horse,” Poppy groans, leaning forward onto her elbow in front of where her phone is rested on the counter, a pout on her lips as she watches Nico situate himself on his hotel bed.
“I thought you were getting food, before? Didn’t you say you were gonna have a late lunch?”
“We did,” she sighs, remembering the disappointment that the first bite of her bagel had elicited and swearing that even the memory of it has her stomach growling.
“We?”
“Yeah, I went with Josh.”
“The PR guy?” Nico looks so cute when he’s frowning, she thinks, his eyebrows pressing together and his doe-brown eyes going round, his screen pausing on a very adorable pout for a few seconds.
“Yeah.”
“You went on a lunch date with Josh the PR guy?”
“I wouldn’t call it a date, we just had the same lunch hour.” She shrugs, trying not to get distracted at just the sight of him on a phone screen. Nia was right the other day, she really does need to pull herself together, she thinks. “I don’t think anyone in their mind would want to date me right now, I’m distinctly round and up until a week ago was walking around with a gross vomit smell about me.”
“Was it just the two of you?” He asks, doing little to dispel her undateable theory and causing her to frown, too.
“Yeah,” she drags out with the tilt of her head.
“And you went away from The Rock?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Did he pay?”
“Well, yeah, but-,” He probably wouldn’t appreciate her telling him it was Josh’s turn, implying they had shared other lunch breaks, but he cuts her off before she can.
“And you walked back to work together after?”
“We’re in the same building, and it was nice out today.”
“Has he text you since?”
“I-,” She doesn’t actually know. Poppy swipes up from their FaceTime to check her messages, seeing his name near the top. Sent 30 minutes ago, I had fun today, with a smiley face - a blushing smiley face, at that. “Yeah? But you used to pay for my lunch and text me when you got home,”
“Yeah and now you’re carrying my baby.” He’s smiling when she brings the FaceTime back, a soft smile that barely meets his eyes but melts her heart, all the same.
“Can’t argue with that logic.”
“It was a date.” He tells her, and he shifts on the other end of the phone, discomfort evident as she realises that the smile is more resolute than she first thought. “A cheap one, if you’re still hungry.”
“Well he wanted to go to that bagel place a couple streets from work,” she says, ignoring his jab, “You know the one with outdoor seating?” He nods, “He said it’s his favourite spot nearby.”
Maybe it was a date. Walking in the soft sunshine together to his favourite spot. Him buying her a bagel, an iced tea and a little tub of tiramisu for her to eat at her desk that had way too much coffee for her to eat.
Shit.
“You hate that place.” That frown comes back, defensive, almost, and he leans back onto his bent arm in a way that makes his muscles flex, distracting her entirely.
“I know,” she sighs, at the sight of him or at this conversation, she doesn’t know. “They’re so dry, I swear they’re stale, I ended up just picking mine apart, but now I-,”
“Could eat a horse?” He grins, flexing his arm like he knows exactly what he’s doing.
“Exactly,” she smiles, “And I have nothing in.”
“You went shopping yesterday,” he hums, leaning back and getting comfortable, looking back at her with that sleepy smile that makes her want to cuddle into him. She could so slot into that space that his arm makes - it’s literally Poppy shaped.
“Yeah, but yesterday I had all the intentions of buying things to cook, and now I don’t want to cook.” She walks over to her couch with her phone in hand as she talks, throwing herself down into the cushions with a heavy sigh. “I saw someone with this giant soft pretzel earlier, and I know it isn’t moving yet, but I swear Cheeto started doing backflips at the smell. It’s all I can think about. Soft pretzels and melted cheese, I could actually cry right now just imagining it.”
“Maybe take a shower,” he hums, and he looks like he could fall asleep, any second. “You might have some energy after to make something.”
“Maybe,” she hums, back, soft tone matching his as she watches his eyes flutter. “Still won’t be a soft pretzel, though.”
“Keep me posted on whatever you pick, I’m gonna go before I fall asleep, I’m grabbing dinner with the boys.”
“Show-off.” She pouts, lips twitching when he smiles big enough for his dimples to form. “Text me when you’re back?”
“Sure thing. Make sure you eat something, yeah?”
“I will. See you later, Nico.”
Once her screen goes black with the end of the call, she falls into the back of the couch with a heavy sigh, head craned back to look at the ceiling.
This is so hard, she thinks of missing a man that isn’t entirely hers, of trying to suppress her feelings before they spread to every fibre of her being.
And with her patience wearing thin, all she has left is to listen to him - to follow his instruction in the hopes that this is what will make the universe reward her, subliminally giving him what he wants.
She showers, trying not to think about him as she faces up into the spray and lets the hot water rain down on her, lathering her hair in a shampoo she wishes smelled like him and dressing herself after in a hoodie she had stolen a while back, all remnants of his scent long washed away.
She’s staring at a full refrigerator with a head empty of ideas when there is a knock at her door, and she trudges toward the entrance to her apartment with heavy feet.
She knows as soon as she opens the door what it is, her nose perked like a sniffer dog as the aroma floods from the paper bag being held out to her.
“I got a delivery for Poppy?”
“Thank you so much,” she smiles, taking the bag from the pre-pubescent looking Postmates delivery guy, and handing him a tip from the little stack of notes she keeps on the table by her door.
The name on the bag is for a bakery she knows is around 15 minutes away, closer to her old place up in Hoboken, and she practically skips around to her couch to open it up.
Two soft pretzels and a tub of Cranberry-Bacon Swiss cheese dip that she had forced Nico to try one time a few years back, and hadn’t had since she moved - still warm in the bag and the smell of it causing her mouth to water.
She thinks this might be the sexiest thing he’s ever done.
Remembering a random order for a soft pretzel from years ago. Relaying her schedule over the phone before, how she didn’t like a certain bagel shop that she had probably mentioned one time before, how she had gone shopping the day prior, something that had probably been a passing comment in a text earlier in the week - flooding her with his perfect recall and insistence on delivering a love language from hundreds of miles away.
I think I’m in love with you, she types out in a fit of giddiness, senses overpowered by the delicious smell from the bag in her lap, her judgement thankfully coming back before she can hit send, because sure they’ve told each other they love each other before, but never like that.
Instead, she types out something much more reasonable for the occasion to send along with a selfie of her holding the bag with a stupid smile on her face.
Poppy: You’re my favourite baby daddy 😊
Nico: I’m your only baby daddy 🙄
Poppy: Potentially my favourite person
Nico: Potentially?
Poppy: Cheeto’s first
Nico: So I’m second?
Poppy: Potentially 💖
Her mind goes back to something Nia had said at the game earlier in the week, about how Nico cared for her like it was an obsession.
Maybe she’s obsessed, too.
Nico
“What do you know about Josh from PR?”
Nico knows that he should probably feel at least an ounce of shame for going to the rest of the guys about this - should feel childish for letting his own insecurities cloud his mind like this, but he’s tried talking himself out of it, and it hasn’t worked.
The locker room has kind of always been his safe space to vent - in a room surrounded by his peers, where better to air out his grievances and have his irrational feelings validated than here?
Especially on the road, after a rough night’s sleep in a hotel bed, and in a practice facility that has a distinct chemical smell that is making him a little loopy.
This is truly his last resort, and he’s already regretting it from Jack’s response, alone.
“I know that his name is Josh and he works in PR.”
“Funny,” Nico scoffs as he leans back into the bench of his locker, running a frustrated hand through his sweat-matted hair.
“Why, what beef do you have with Josh?”
Jack sits a few cubbies over, the distance causing his voice to carry and opening the conversation up to the other stragglers, namely Timo, who doesn’t speak up but Nico can see his attention pique.
“He took Poppy out on a date.” He grumbles.
“Our Poppy?”
Mine, Nico thinks, but nods in response, anyway, hoping only Jack takes notice but wincing when another voice responds, instead.
“Damn,” Timo teases, “Going after a pregnant woman is ballsy.”
“Do you think he’s a problem?” He knows he shouldn’t rise to Timo’s ribbing, the panicked raise of his brow only eliciting a smirk from his fellow countryman and longtime friend, but he can’t help it.
“The last time I had any dealings with him, he was wearing a tie with turtles on it, so the chances are slim, but what do I know?”
“Poppy does like her guys dorky,” Jack joins in, a taunting glint flashing across his eyes.
“Does she like him?” Timo asks, throwing himself down beside Nico, who shrugs in response.
“She didn’t even know it was a date,” he tries to brush it off a little, to sound cocky, but he doesn’t really pull it off.
“Hardly sounds like a threat to me, Cap,” Luke speaks up from the other side of his brother, always the voice of reason.
“I’m not threatened.” He gives a nonchalant frown.
“Sure you’re not.” Luke scoffs.
“I’m just looking out for her.”
“Of course you are.”
“Stop being annoying.”
“Stop being a liar.”
“I’m not lying.”
Luke is always so quick to call Nico out that it’s starting to remind him of Poppy, a little - sharp tongue and a slight disregard for where he pokes it, if needed. It almost makes him appreciate it, all the more.
“She’s the mother of my child, it isn’t a crime to care about who she might be going on dates with.”
“Buddy, she’s carrying your baby, the last thing she’s looking for is a serious relationship with someone else right now.”
Nico narrows his eyes at his best friend, waiting for the follow up he knows is coming where Timo says something to chip away at his dwindling resolve - something to keep him awake, tonight.
“She’s probably just looking to get some.”
Something like that.
“Get some?” He scoffs, uneasily, his face curling in disgust, “This is Poppy we’re talking about, she isn’t like that. It was a stale bagel and an iced tea, not some sordid hookup.”
“You said she didn’t know it was a date.” Luke chimes in, his tone bored and his expression the same - halfway done with having to entertain Nico’s incessant talking and no action.
“She didn’t, he took her out to lunch. But she didn’t seem entirely opposed to the idea it was a date when I pointed it out to her.”
“Well maybe,” Timo drags out as he pushes himself off the bench and stands before him, a playful smirk on his lips, “And hear me out before you go crazy,” Nico rolls his eyes, swallowing hard in anticipation, “She’s just crazy horny.”
“Fuck off,” Nico throws one of his pads at him, bouncing off his shoulder before he catches it with a chuckle.
“No, I’m serious,” he throws it back for Nico to catch, “Pregnant women are freaky, it’s all the hormones, and most of them have their partners to scratch that itch,” Nico wonders where he’s getting all these ridiculous sayings, all of a sudden, “But you two aren’t together, so she has to get her fill from somebody else.”
Nico tries looking at the other boys for validation. Jack is already distracted on his phone, and Luke looks too grossed out to comment.
“I don’t know why I’m even speaking to you about this, I should have asked someone with at least two brain cells to rub together.”
“Fair point, hey, Curtis, come over here a sec!” Timo calls out, swinging his arm over his shoulder as he approaches, “Tell Nico, in graphic detail, just how freaky pregnant women get!”
“I want nothing to do with this conversation,” he grimaces, shrugging out from under Timo’s grip and carrying on over to his cubby.
“He didn’t deny it!”
And he knows, deep down, that Timo has been on a personal mission to grind his gears the last few months, finding joy in getting Nico all riled up for no good reason other than it makes him laugh. He knows he shouldn’t take him seriously, but all of a sudden, his chest feels tight - and the feeling won’t go away.
He tries not to overthink any of it, but it’s no use.
All the little nagging thoughts he’s had about his relationship with Poppy over the last few months start to surface, and bubble into something dark and ugly.
Sure, they’ve had their baby steps, they’ve had the odd kiss here and there, they have told each other’s families that they’re together, have spent an awful lot of time together for two people who aren’t together, but that’s just it.
They aren’t together.
They haven’t had that conversation, haven’t set any boundaries, and as much as he hasn’t even looked at another woman since New Years Eve, he can’t expect Poppy not to have done the same.
Why wouldn’t she date Josh?
He has a decent job, seems like a nice enough guy despite his poor timing and his weird need to always be in Poppy’s office. He makes her laugh - Nico’s seen it, has felt his ears go hot as her eyes have crinkled at the corners and that sweet, melodic sound has crossed through the barrier of her lips in his presence - and she clearly likes his company enough to grab lunch with him in the first place.
And it’s those lingering worries that put him into a funk.
When Poppy texts him, his replies are short. He misses a call from her after their win in Ottawa, and doesn’t find the time to call her back. He doesn’t stop by her place when he lands after their flight back, going straight back to his apartment and tossing and turning all night wondering how long it will be before she finds someone else to keep her company and googling all the ways in which her hormones are about to come at her full force - finding an article that points out the exact timeline of it all in gut wrenching detail. He doesn’t see her before he’s locked away for their game against the Predators the next day, either - and when they lose after overtime, and a poor shootout, he feels guilt more than anything when he checks his phone after his shower and Poppy is still texting him like nothing could possibly be wrong.
Poppy: I’ve left a key under the mat if you want to drop by after the game 💖
It had been sent sometime in the third period, over an hour ago at this point, and she’s more than likely asleep, he thinks.
But God, he wants to see her.
So where he’d usually drive straight home, he drives to her place, instead, hoping they can have some sort of conversation that suppresses the uncertainty that is starting to keep him awake at night.
He parks up beside her car on the street, and takes the stairs instead of her death-trap elevator, ignoring the protesting ache building in his thighs as he climbs all six floors in a hurry.
The key is where she said it would be, and the weight of it is nothing in comparison to the meaning of her leaving it for him, the responsibility of handling it causing his hands to shake as he opens the door quietly, in anticipation of her already resting up.
The lights are off, but there’s a lamp on beside the couch in the living room, and commercials are playing on her TV, and when he steps fully into the space, he finally sees her, and he can finally breathe.
She’s curled up on the couch, dressed in pyjama shorts that sit low on her hips and a tank top that rides up along the curve of her bump, and is snuggling into a pillow while the flashing lights from the TV reflect on her skin. He reaches onto the coffee table for the remote and puts it on mute, watching her for a second as soft snores fall from between her lips.
Jesus, he thinks, she’s beautiful.
Every time he looks at her, he finds himself picturing her features on their baby. The colour of her eyes, the roundness of them when they look straight at him, or the crinkling in the corner when she smiles, the slope of her nose, the fullness of her lips.
He wouldn’t be mad if there was nothing of his. If their baby didn’t have his eye or hair colour, his nose, his smile. He’d be happy with a mini-Poppy.
She must feel his presence as he kneels down beside her - probably hears the crack in his knees or the grunt he thought he was withholding on his way down, because her eyes flutter open slowly, focusing on him with a mellowed, dreamy gaze.
“Hey,” she smiles softly at him, voice thick with sleep and eyes still half-scrunched shut. “Tried to wait up for you.”
How could he let anyone get in his head about this? He thinks, as she looks at him with eyes that sparkle and a smile that grips at his heart like a vice.
Is this what being apart from her is going to keep doing to him? Forcing him to spiral out of his own mind until he sees her, again?
“I was surprised to see you text so late to be honest,” he hums, reaching out to tuck her sleep-mussed hair behind her ear. “You’re usually out by 9 these days."
“Growing your baby is exhausting,” she sighs with her whole body, shifting on the couch to make room for him, and he falls down into the space she makes, positioning his body to her liking as she snuggles straight into him. He feels himself sigh, the content kind, where the aches in his muscles wither into something a little more comfortable, and everywhere she touches feels warm and soothed.
“You could have gone to bed, Poppy, I was going to see you in the morning, anyway.”
“Missed you.” He likes how there’s no preamble about it - the two of them no longer skirting around their feelings as much, not needing to think up some other excuse for wanting to see each other. She missed him enough to leave a key under the mat, enough to stay up despite her body being overworked, enough that waiting less than twelve hours just wouldn’t suffice the desire to see him again.
He has nothing to worry about, he realises.
“Missed you, too.” He relaxes fully into the couch, an arm slung around her shoulders and the other reaching to rest in its default place on her little bump. “And Cheeto.”
Poppy hums, and he swears he can feel her arch into his touch.
It’s quiet between them for a moment, illuminated by the muted flickering of game highlights flashing across Poppy’s TV screen, and he can’t help but feel like this is where he is meant to be. This is what he’s meant to come home to. Not an empty apartment with leftovers in the fridge and a bed 10 times too big for one person.
Poppy, on the couch, warm and receptive to whatever he can give her, slow, content sighs slipping from between her lips.
“I’m sorry,” he hears after a beat, he gives an affirmative hum as a response before he even registers what she’s said. She uses the hand on his chest as leverage to push herself up, still leaning on him slightly but able to look him in the eye. “Are you mad at me?”
“For what?” He frowns, his heart jumping under her touch.
“For Josh,” her body leans away from his a little as she rests back with her knees beneath her. “I swear I didn’t realise that he even liked me like that, and then after we spoke last night I started getting in my head about it, I don’t want you to think I’m just out here going on dates with other people.”
“I don’t think that-,”
“I just miss you a lot when you’re not here, lately,” she admits, nervously, most likely not even hearing what he had said. “And I’ve been trying to fill my time with other people so that I don’t think about you as much and that I won’t go crazy when you leave again in a few weeks.”
“Okay,”
“Not that it actually works, I-,” her lips twist as she looks down at her lap, her hands both fidgeting between them, “I just feel like I’m getting super clingy, and with you going home soon, I don’t want you to feel like I’m smothering you or something.”
“I don’t feel like that,” he doesn’t know why he keeps trying to reassure her. She’ll listen when she’s finished talking, herself, he figures, because again, she doesn’t acknowledge him. He feels his lips twisting in amusement as she carries on, revealing probably more of herself than she had originally intended. His chest warms, weirdly, at the idea that they’ve both been apart, wanting nothing more than to be with each other, worrying that they’re overbearing the other.
“And I know this whole,” she lifts a hand to point her finger frantically between the two of them, “thing between us is moving super slow, and I know that’s my fault, but I feel really good about it. It feels really right to me. But we haven’t really talked about it since we agreed on baby steps, and I don’t know where your head is at around everything, but I don’t even see Josh like that, and I wouldn’t agree to go out with him when we’re-,”
He wants her to finish that thought so badly.
When we’re what, Poppy?
She sighs - another big kind, where her shoulders rise slowly and drop suddenly. Like she’s gearing herself up to say something she thinks he won’t like.
“I don’t want you to go back to Switzerland and get over me again.”
What?
Where the hell did that come from?
He doesn’t think there was even a second he was ever over her. Not entirely, at least. Distracted, maybe. Ignorant, obviously. But never detached.
“And I realise that’s a stupidly super clingy thing to say, but-,”
“Hey,” his tone is clearer, firmer than the last few times he had spoken, and he reiterates the sincerity in what he’s about to say with a calloused hand to her face, the touch shocking her into reception. Glassy eyes sparkle back at him, like rippling water under moonlight, and he wants nothing more than to dive in, to bathe in the hidden vulnerability until his skin prunes, and he’s the one who bears the burden of it. “There is no getting over you. Not then, not ever.”
“But what about-,”
“Joshua’s been doing the groundwork to ask you out for months, Poppy. Probably for even longer, but I first saw he was into you back before that auction.” Back when he’d colour-coded notes for her and stared after her like she was a mirage and he’d been stranded in the desert for weeks.
“I told you, I’m not-,” He’s doing the same thing, now, not letting her get her say. But he has a point to make, and she needs to understand the depth of his feelings for her in the only way he knows how to express them.
“I know. You didn’t even see it is what I’m saying. And you notice when one of the guys starts using more emojis in the group chat or when the coffee shop around the corner uses a different kind of milk. Why do you think that is?”
“It tastes different-,”
“Not the milk, Poppy. Why do you think you didn’t notice the guy following you around the office with hearts in his eyes?”
“I don’t know, I guess I’ve been,” she frowns as if she’s actually thinking about this for the first time. “Distracted. I don’t understand what this has to do with-,”
“Why?”
“You know why.” She levels him with a glare.
“Wanna hear you say it,” he smirks, a flicker of his eyes to her lips that twist at the attention.
“No.”
“C’mon,” he drags out, teasingly, reaching out to tuck her hair back behind her ear after it had fallen back over the side of her face, “Wanna hear you tell me how you’re so obsessed with me that you don’t even consider anyone else.”
“This has nothing to do with what we were talking about.” She pouts, crossing her arms over her chest in defiance and trying her best to look offended. She doesn’t deny it, though.
“Doesn’t it?”
“No. We were talking about you. I’m not obsessed with you.” She grumbles the last part like her mouth is fighting the truth.
“I am.” He shrugs like it’s nothing. “Obsessed with you. Could throw a thousand women in bikinis my way I wouldn’t notice a single one of them.”
“Why’d you have to specify bikinis?” She frowns. “Who’s throwing half naked women at you?”
“That’s what you’re focusing on?”
“You can’t say something so ridiculous and not expect me to comment on it, Nico.”
“Fine, I take back the bikini thing,” he rolls his eyes, affectionately. “What I’m saying, is that me going back home for the summer isn’t going to change the way I feel. It never did in the first place, Poppy, I was just stupid and afraid of my feelings, last year.”
“And you’re not, now? This doesn’t scare you?”
From the second he found out the news, Nico can recall a bunch of times where he has thought that he should be scared. Should be spiralling out of his mind and anxious as hell about the way his life is about to turn upside down - but those kinds of feelings have just surpassed him. He has no doubt they’ll come at some point - the panic, the fear, the trepidation - but with every day that passes in the calm of it all, he feels more prepared to tackle those feelings when they do swarm him. He’s aided by the comfort of knowing that something in his life is a sure thing.
Playing in the NHL, maintaining his role as a captain of a beloved franchise, making it to and succeeding in the playoff finals, winning an international tournament, they’re all dreams. They’re all things he wants and wishes for, but may never get. He may never lift the cup. He may get a season-ending, or even worse, career-ending, injury out of nowhere. He might one day have to give up the C for someone else to lead his guys on the ice. He may fall out of contention for the national team, have to watch from the sidelines as they thrive without him.
But no matter where he ends up in all of that, he knows now who will be there.
Poppy is a certainty.
Even if they’re not together, if they never cross that line completely, if the baby steps they’re navigating so well stumble so far out of control that a relationship is out of the picture, their futures are intertwined now.
She will always be a part of him - of his life. Her and the little Cheeto in her belly.
“No.” He says it with conviction, which his chest puffed as much as he can muster through the exhaustion that overwhelms his body. “You don’t scare me, Poppy Jensen."
She watches him for a bit, trying to gauge the honesty of his sentiment, and he waits with bated breath, his gaze switching smoothly in a triangle between her soft eyes and pursed lips. Once she has deliberated what he’s stated, has assessed the weight of his words until the sincerity of them settles into her bones, she leans forward until she’s resting back into his outstretched arm, head resting on his chest as the thumping of his heart beats against her ear.
She sighs, big and tired, and her body melts completely into his, the curve of her belly pressed into his side and her arm slung over his torso.
“Thought you weren’t obsessed,” he whispers teasingly, pointing toward the TV, where a slow-mo replay of him on the ice is taking up the screen.
She just hums in response, nuzzling sleepily into his side, and he tries to even out his breathing, leaning back and closing his eyes to bask in the moment.
How could he have ever thought this wouldn’t be enough for her? All those months back when he’d spinelessly disregarded the beginnings of something more. When he had thought that this would have been something she would only settle for - the girl who has moulded herself to fit into whatever shape he leaves beside him and makes it seem like it’s everything she wants it to be.
He’s never known calm like it.
On the back of a loss, leading a team that is potentially one game away from losing out on playoff contention entirely, ending a difficult season plagued by injury and turbulence within the organisation.
He’s physically depleted - his muscles stretched, his bones banged up and bruised - and he should be the same, mentally.
But he gets to come back here, to Poppy, who misses him when he’s gone, who stays up despite her own exhaustion just to see him, who keeps a place warm for him on the couch and curls up into his side until he forgets the rest of it.
Until he forgets his instinct to second guess either of their feelings, or the need to overthink how her words might measure up to her actions.
Until he forgets the notion Talia had implied that he wouldn’t be enough, wouldn’t make her happy, makes him forget the comments her mother had made about him being absent or distant and unable to support her, or the suggestion from her brother that he wasn’t the right fit.
“You can’t fall asleep.” She speaks slow, like she isn’t far off falling asleep herself, and it isn’t until he hears her voice that he realises just how tight his eyes have welded themselves shut, too lost in the comfort of her embrace to notice that he was about to drift off.
“Why not?” He huffs, feeling the weight of her head on his chest when he tries to sigh.
“‘Cause I don’t wanna be blamed when you mess your back up on my couch.”
He chuckles, appreciating how her impertinence doesn’t wear off even when she’s half asleep, herself.
And despite every instinct in his body telling him that he wants to stay like this forever, he shifts his hip to nudge her upright. “Alright,” he groans as his muscles protest at the straightening of his posture, “Let’s get you to bed first then I’ll head out.”
“Carry me?” She holds her arms out as he stands, and he swats them away.
“No."
He helps her up anyway, and keeps a hold of one of her hands as he sets off down the hall toward her bedroom, taking slower steps than usual so that she doesn’t have to stumble after him - knowing she will drag her feet, anyway.
He drops her hand when he crosses the threshold, allowing her to do whatever she needs while she’s in here without him hovering.
“What the hell is that thing?” Nico rubs at his eyes as if he’s imagining the giant, elongated cushion that takes up more than half of Poppy’s bed, only when he pulls his knuckles away, it’s still there, sprawled out and taking up the entirety of what would be his side in another universe.
“It’s my pregnancy pillow,” Poppy follows him into the room, chuckling as she sidles past him to the bed, “It’s supposed to be really good for resting on when the bump finally comes in more, after a certain point I’m not supposed to sleep on my back. But for now it’s nice to cuddle. Nia got it for me!”
“Of course she did,” he mutters, narrowing his glare at it like the pillow has personally been placed onto this Earth to spite him. He’s been tossing and turning at night wondering if Poppy is okay on her own, yearning to be closer to her, and she’s been here cuddling a pillow?
He wants it gone.
“It’s comfy, you should give it a go, might help you relax”
“I don’t need to cuddle your giant pillow, thanks,”
“Okay, Captain Grumpy, suit yourself,” she shrugs as she edges past him to her en-suite, and he stalks behind her, watching as she reaches to grab for her toothbrush.
It’s the rattling noise of another in the holder that captures his attention, the red handle of the one she had given him all those months ago still stuck out of the glass, and he feels the tension in his shoulders dissolve somewhat just at the sight of it - waiting there for him to pick back up again like an inevitability.
He leans against the door as he watches her, head lulling against the jamb as his eyelids grow heavier by the second. He just needs to make sure she gets into bed okay, then he can leave. He can drive back to his apartment, throw himself into his own bed and try not to grind his teeth throughout the night at the fact that a bunch of fabric and fibres is taking his rightful place.
“You could stay.” He hasn’t even realised she’s watching him, too, hip resting against the sink as she takes the toothbrush from her mouth. “It’s late and you’re clearly spent, and you need to be back here in the morning anyway.”
“Thought you didn’t want me hurting my back on your couch?” He hums, sleepily.
There’s a beat. A heavy silence as she levels him with a look that’s more intense than her pretty eyes allow. “I don’t.”
Oh.
He can be cool about this, he thinks, despite his exhaustion. He doesn’t want to overreact to the thought of sharing a bed with her, doesn’t want to make her rethink it or scare her away. It’s just the two of them sleeping beside each other. It’s not the craziest thing they’ve ever done.
The ever growing roundness of her belly peaking out the bottom of her tank top is evidence enough of that.
“Your bed isn’t big enough for the three of us,” he nods back towards the pillow, his lips twisting in mirth.
“Four,” she says around her toothbrush, spitting out the paste into the sink before adding, “Five, if you’re taking Bunny into account, too.”
“Jesus, Poppy,” he snorts, and he doesn’t know why he’s pushing his luck anymore, risking the fact that she might change her mind, but he likes pressing her buttons. Likes the soft way in which she looks up at him, her eyes going round as she waits for him to respond with a slight smudge of white at the corner of her lip that he wants to swipe at with his thumb. “You sure you can fit me in?”
She nods, tilting her head like she has to convince him at all. “We could cuddle?”
He scoffs, more so in disbelief that she actually thinks he needs to be talked into it somehow. “Thought that’s what your pillow is for?” He teases, pushing himself off the doorjamb and sliding past her with a steadying hand on her hip, reaching for his toothbrush and holding it out for her to add the paste.
“You’re really gonna use up the last of your energy to chirp a pillow?”
“It’s hideous,” he mumbles almost intelligibly around the toothbrush, snickering when Poppy bumps her hip into his.
“It’s relaxing.” She pouts, leaning once more against the sink instead of vacating the bathroom, watching as he brushes his teeth with a lingering gaze stuck to the movement of his lips. “You did this to me, you should be more concerned about my comfort.”
“I’m very concerned about you,” he coos, finishing up at the sink and wiping his mouth with his wrist before rinsing it off. “Lie awake worrying about you here all alone, turns out you’re snuggled up to a big, strong bunch of fluff every night.”
“Ohh,” she taunts, backing out of the bathroom before calling him out. “You’re jealous.”
“M’not jealous,” he scoffs, following her and watching as she climbs into her all-too-inviting bed. “Just not playing three in the bed with your body pillow.”
He rounds the frame, and before she can protest, he grabs the thing with an unassuming grip, not expecting the weight of it and only able to fling it to the floor by his feet - not as far as he’d like but at least it isn’t on his side of the bed, anymore, he thinks.
“Hey,” she pouts adorably, lips round and too alluring for him to focus on for long. “If I can’t sleep on that, you’re gonna have to let me sleep on you.”
“On me?”
“Yep. Wrapped around you like a vine,” she affirms, “And I don’t wanna hear you whining about dead arms or dead legs, the pillow doesn’t talk back and I’m not above kicking you out in the middle of the night.”
“Can’t see myself complaining about being wrapped around like a vine,” he chuckles, his fingers working deftly to unbutton his pants, chest heating at the way her eyes follow the movement and her lips part. He tries so hard not to let the smug smile that’s threatening to break out fully take over his lips, biting at them to withhold it as he notices her stare go glassy.
“Good.” She mutters, distracted as he pushes down, the fabric bunching at his ankles before he kicks it off and bends to take off his socks, too.
He moves to take off his shirt, stopping with his fingers clutched at the back before he asks, “This okay?”
Her throat bobs, and her eyes flicker from the flex of his muscles to meet his gaze, widened and dazed. She presses her lips together and nods, and he can feel the heat of her stare prickle at his skin as he works the t-shirt over his head, shaking his hair back out once it’s off.
Even in the dimmed light, he can see the warmth creeping up her neck, the flush on her chest and the tug of her bottom lip between her teeth.
That article he had found the night before flashes clearly in his head, and reads back to him almost verbatim.
With the loss of fatigue and nausea at the end of the first trimester, expectant mothers may experience an increase in their sex drive.
Poppy looks like she wants to eat him whole.
It makes him feel like he’s on fire.
Especially when he considers what happened the last time they were in this bed together.
If she wasn’t fighting so hard to keep her eyes open, he might have called her out on it.
He reaches to turn off the light before he crawls under the covers and sidles up to her body, laying on his side and watching as she mirrors him, the two of them knocking knees in the middle of the mattress.
“C’mon then,” he mutters lowly into the space between them, “Do your worst.”
“You don’t actually want me to sleep on you.”
“I don’t care how you sleep as long as you’re actually sleeping.”
“You’ll regret that when I keep you up all night fidgeting in my dreams.” Her body relaxes a little more as they carry on talking, her legs loosening until he starts to feel them press a little more against his own, and he tries to best to make his limbs receptive, adapting to her touch - adapting to her needs, even.
“You’re still having bad dreams?”
He remembers her talking to his mom about them before - about them making her feel restless, so vivid that she wakes up still feeling exhausted. He remembers his mom talking about the kind of dreams she had when she was carrying him, about animals and aliens and weird, subconscious fears she didn’t even know she had before she was pregnant.
“They’re not all bad,” she hums, “Just strange.”
“What are they about?”
Her eyes flicker up to his, still shining in the darkness of the room, and it makes his throat go dry.
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Talking about it might help,” he insists.
She considers it for a second, and he holds his breath while she does, watching her gaze go back and forth between his eyes until it settles on his mouth. “I dream about you.”
“About me?” He frowns, despite the jump of his heart rate, “Like nightmares?”
“No,” she shifts toward him, closing the gap between them just that little bit more, “Not like that, not scary.” She presses her hand to his chest, soft fingertips toying with the gold chain that sits around the base of his neck. “Sad, maybe.”
“Sad dreams?” He asks, and she’s close enough now that he extends an arm out under the covers to rest on her hip, flexing his fingers out to the small of her back.
“You keep leaving me.”
“Oh.”
Great, he thinks, even the dream version of him lets her down.
“It doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a dream. I know you wouldn’t, ‘cause you’re obsessed with me, and all,” Closer again, her hips wiggle and his grip on her tightens ever so slightly. “But it feels real, and I guess I get upset about it.”
“Poppy-,”
“It’s stupid, I know.”
“It’s not stupid,” he frowns, clutching at her with purpose now, using the leverage he has on her hip to push his own closer to her, their legs fully intertwined now. “I mean, it’s stupid in the sense that I would never leave you, but it’s not stupid that the thought of it upsets you. I’d be upset, too.”
“You would?”
“Mohn,” he doesn’t know how they can get closer, but he can only try. His legs are slotted between hers, her thigh draped across his, the swell of her tummy pressed into the curve of his waist, bare skin touching where her tank top has ridden up and it’s warm and soft and intoxicating, almost. Her hands are pressed to his chest and shoulder, short nails tickling at the flesh there when she chooses to gently scrape and scratch at him, and he could so easily inch his face toward hers until their mouths meet. “If I kept dreaming that you were leaving me, I’d be waking up screaming and crying and holding onto you for dear life.”
The smile she gives him is almost shy, and he feels his heart melting into a sticky, gloopy pile in his chest. He’s so far gone for her it isn’t even funny anymore, isn’t something he feels like he can shoulder the jokes of for much longer. It’s all-consuming, and serious, and it washes over him like a tidal wave when she says, “I’d never leave you either.”
He presses the tip of his nose to hers, bumping at it until she angles her head how he needs, and he can press his lips to the swell of hers.
This kiss reminds him of the one she had given him back in her bedroom at her parent’s house.
It’s gentle, unassuming, tame, if anything.
It might be one of his favourites.
Because this kind of intimacy with her means more than the rushed, frantic collisions they had found themselves in before.
As much as he enjoyed those, and if you’d have asked him at any other point in the day, he’d have given an arm and a leg to have experienced them again, these kinds of kisses mean more to him than that.
They’re precious to him - provide comfort when he’s laying awake most nights in his own bed, and thinking of all the ways in which he wants to take the next steps with her. He thinks about the soft press of their lips together, and the deeper meaning of it being the sturdy foundations of something way bigger.
This is where it starts for them.
It’s about more than that - it’s about the dedication the two of them share to do things right. To take their time with each other to make sure that it will last this time.
And it’s in her lips he always finds the affirmations he needs. It will last this time.
He lets out a self-satisfied hum when they part, half chuckle, half sigh, and she tilts her head inquisitively before her eyes flutter open. “What?”
“Nothing.” And when she leans back and looks up at him with a pouty frown, he snorts. “Maybe I should be jealous of the pillow if this is what you’ve been getting up to.”
“Shh,” she cranes her neck and presses her face into the warmth of his chest, before mumbling “Pillows don’t talk, remember,” into it and smiling into the vibrations of his fond laughter.
He falls asleep thinking about the way all the curves of her perfectly fit into the curves of him - the puff of her smiling cheeks pressing into his chest, the swell of her belly pressing into his waist, and the wrap of her legs locking him into an embrace he wouldn’t want to leave even if he had a choice about it.
Nico had thought it would have been the fidgeting that kept him awake. The first few times he woke in the night to Poppy shuffling in his arms, he had just waited it out until her body relaxed, and would subtly and softly tighten his hold on her until she settled into it - the warmth of him easing her back into slumber and allowing him to fall back, too.
He had gotten used to it after that, his body not rousing fully from sleep most times, instinctively accommodating whichever position she needed to be in until he slipped back under, and he could hardly say it irritated him - the desire to be in this position far outweighing his need for an uninterrupted, full night’s sleep.
But then the noises had started. The hums and the whimpers, the staggered breaths, the whines - and he couldn’t stay asleep thinking she was having another of those dreams.
The one where some alternate, dip-shit version of himself leaves her for whatever stupid reason.
That brings him into full consciousness, tightening his hold on her with a furrowed brow, hand splayed out across the exposed part of her lower back, where her tank has bunched up to reveal warm skin, and he presses firmly until they’re touching at every which point of their bodies they possibly can.
Maybe in her dreams she’ll feel his presence, feel comforted, and the rational part of her brain will kick in that it isn’t real - that she has nothing to worry or be afraid about if he can seep into her subconscious with every touch.
And then she makes another noise - a mixture of a shudder-like breath and a gasp - and her hips jut forward, and he realises that maybe that isn’t the kind of dream she’s having. When he focuses on the other places they are touching, he knows for sure.
With one of his thighs slotted between hers, pressed right up against the apex where they meet, he swears he can feel a dampness even through her shorts.
Fuck.
Oh God.
He can feel himself half-hard already, he’s been that way since he crawled into bed beside her and they snuggled up so close, but this is impossible to ignore now. It doesn’t help how close they are, feeling himself stiffening into her side.
Arousal swirls like a whirlpool in the pit of his stomach, and it whooshes almost out of control when he feels her jut her hips again, grinding down onto his flesh and whimpering into his chest.
“Poppy,” he breathes, figuring he can’t let her carry on now that he’s awake, himself. It wouldn’t be right, he thinks, and curses the part of himself that argues internally. He pinches at her hip, careful not to aid her in her movements, before he tries again. “Poppy, wake up.”
She whines, shuffling as she regains consciousness, her face pressing into his chest as he just about makes out her grumbling, “Don’t want to.”
“You’ve got to.” He squeezes again, willing himself to ignore how good it feels to hold the fleshy part of her hip in his hands. He leans back a little with his neck, careful not to move any part of his lower body now that she’s awake, and looks down at her as her face contorts in confusion. “C’mon, need you to look at me.”
“Nico,” God help him, it sounds like a moan. And double God help him, because she shuffles with her whole body against him, and presses one of her thighs straight into the hardened length in his briefs. She gasps at the same time he winces, and her eyes shoot up to meet his, glistening in the dark of the night and panicked. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-,”
“S’fine,” he mumbles, desperate for her not to shuffle back away from his touch, and he feels relief flood his system when she keeps his leg slotted between hers, only separating their bodies at the top.
“Do you need to handle that?”
“No, I’ll be good.” It’s probably a lie. If she carries on the way she has been, he’ll no doubt have some sort of internal meltdown. He’ll stay hard just thinking about it for weeks. “Do you?”
“Do I?”
“Yeah, you were uhm-,” he breathes, not knowing why he’s embarrassed to say it when she’s literally pregnant with his child. They’re both adults, who have been there and done that once before - and have spent the last few hours slotted together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. “Dreaming.”
“I was-,” she frowns, brows scrunching together and lips forming a pout around her next words that don’t quite tumble out before she gasps, her hips shifting like she has realised what rests between them for the first time, “Oh my God.”
“It’s okay,” he reassures her as she begins to shuffle back.
“Oh my God!” She scrambles away from him, the sheets twisting around her body, and he feels an almighty loss when the warmth of her is no longer pressed up against him. It makes him realise just how hard he is, now, his focus entirely on the pulsing pressure gathering between his legs instead of her touch.
“It’s fine, at least you weren’t having a nightmare-,”
“No, I’m just living one, now.” She groans, the end muffled by the fact that she pulls her sheets over her face to hide the heat creeping up her neck.
“Poppy,” he feels a laugh rumble from the depths of his chest, and his brain works too slow to stop it before it comes out in a low chuckle, Poppy responding immediately by poking her head out with a glare.
“You think it’s funny?”
“No-,”
“Tell that to your face!” She pouts, brows furrowed in an attempt at intimidation that she’s too cute to get away with - cheeks flushed, skin glowing from the soft sweat that arose from them bundling up together for so long. “You’re laughing.”
“Not laughing,” he says through a smile, lips twisting in amusement as she huffs in response, and before she can burrow herself back under the covers, he reaches under them to paw at her hip, “C’mere.”
“No.”
“Come here.” He gives her little choice about it, firming his grasp on her flesh and reaching with his other hand to lift and pull her over, twisting his body so that they press back together and he can hold her on top of him. She puts up little protest, balancing herself with soft hands pressed to his bare chest, and he likes the way her fingers curl just a little, nails scratching just enough to feel it. She does make an effort to keep her hips raised, never pressing them fully down as he holds her above him. “It’s fi-,”
“It’s not fine.” She frowns, her nails digging in a little harder, and Nico can’t help the slight buck of his hips. “It’s not fair, I’m so worked up all the time and nothing helps and you’re not doing anything about it-,”
“Me?” He scoffs in amusement, “You want me to do something?”
“Not if you’re gonna keep laughing about it!” She swats at his chest, and he takes a hand from her hip to grasp at her wrist. “You come in here all warm and snuggly, telling me you’re obsessed with me and taking your shirt off in slow motion-,”
He uses the grip on her wrist to catch her off guard, tugging at it until she stumbles, her other wrist going limp as she falls forward, and he leans his own head up to bump their mouths together on her way down.
Poppy’s lips are parted when they meet his, and he takes immediate advantage, slotting his tongue between them until it presses straight against hers, and she responds with fervour, her body arching straight into the curves of his and hips pushing down until he feels that press of the damp patch on her shorts on his bare thigh.
She moves like putty in his hands as he repositions the two of them, twisting his body until he can lay her on the mattress, pushing down into her with the steady rocking of his hips as she lifts hers to meet his in a slow rhythm.
She breathes soft moans into his mouth, and her legs part completely to accommodate him, wrapping themselves around him for leverage so that she can grind her core directly onto the stiff length in his briefs.
It’s heaven - the way she manages to rock herself straight onto his cock with every roll of her hips - and with the way her lips part with a gasp, he knows she feels it too.
They’re hardly kissing anymore, panting and moaning into each other’s mouths as the friction builds between them - he’s pawing under the hem of her tank top, sliding to push it further up to expose her belly, and she’s clawing at his back, gripping him closer than he thought possible as their chests press together and he realises for the first time all night that she hasn’t been wearing a bra when he feels the hardened buds poke through her top. The hand sneaking up her skin heads straight in that direction, thumb wiggling between their bodies until it runs over her nipple, the sensation furthering the arch of her back and eliciting a deep whine as she bites teasingly down on his bottom lip.
“S’that feel good?” He mumbles into her mouth, barely able to get the words out before the pressure of her lips around his closes, her tongue darting out to poke at his. She gives an affirmative hum, and he feels the vibrations of it travel all the way down his throat, filling his chest with a warm buzz. He blames the lightheadedness it causes for his incessant need to tease her, but is thankful it doesn’t entirely ruin the moment when he follows up with, “Better than your dreams?”
“Depends if you make me come this time.” She teases back, the tip of her nose bumping his.
Whatever version of him she’s been dreaming of is a loser. A certified idiot. What kind of man has this girl at his fingertips and doesn’t finish the job? Doesn’t satisfy her the way she deserves?
A schmuck.
“Can feel you soaking through your shorts,” He has a hand on her hip that slides down, over the roundness of her ass and grips at the soft flesh of her thighs until he can push himself straight up against her core, his entire body thrumming at the way she writhes in pleasure. “How long you been like this, huh? All desperate for me?”
“Too long,” she whines, pushing back against him, seeking whatever touch or friction she can get, “Need you to fuck me, Nico.”
“Can’t,” he sighs out a halfhearted denial, to which her lips pout in response. He probably could fight through the almighty ache that has settled into his bones, he definitely wants to, but it might not live up to her expectations - the last thing he ever wants to do is disappoint her. “Not tonight, I’d last 10 seconds,”
“I don’t care.” He can tell she means it, she probably isn’t far off, herself, having gotten halfway there just in her sleep. “C’mon, you’re being mean,”
“I could be meaner,” he smirks, his cheeks pushing into dimples that she immediately presses her lips to. “You know how long I’ve waited to touch you again? When you give me those sweet little kisses,”
“Touch me then,” she breathes not too far off his ear, eliciting shivers that creep down his spine until he arches into her. “Please.”
“You don’t have to beg me, pretty Poppy.” He tells her, his voice low as he works at taking her shorts and panties off one leg at a time, her knees bending in time with the movement of his hands. “Remember what I told you before, I’ll give you whatever you want,” he presses a kiss to the corner of her mouth. “Whatever you need,”
“Need you inside me.”
“Do you have a condom?”
“Now you ask me that?” She scoffs in disbelief, breaking out into a chuckle that quickly dies off when she takes notice of where his hands are going, pushing at the waistband of his briefs until he bears his all to her hungry eyes. Her lips part as he stumbles to kick off the fabric, and her gaze lingers as he takes himself into a firm grip and closes the distance, her lashes fluttering in anticipation.
He slides his length teasingly against her folds, pressing into the wetness that has gathered there, coating himself in it and hearing her pleasured gasp echo around his skull.
“Is that a no?”
“Nico, I swear to God, if you don’t-,” He cuts her off as he pushes his cock into her, further than he thought it could go at first but she’s so wet that he moves with slight ease, already. She’s eager, too, lifting her hips until they meet his, and he’s as far inside her as he can possibly go, settling there as their breathing syncs and he presses his clammy forehead straight to hers.
She’s the one to start shifting, rocking her hips as they both groan and gasp into the small space between their mouths, and their matched desperation seeps into the frantic movements between them, him fucking into her in a building pace and her meeting it with the arch of her back and the scratch of her nails down his.
He has to be careful not to collapse on top of her entirely, muscles flexing at either side of her head as he holds himself up, and she’s mindful of winding her legs too tight around him, instead working from below to push up to meet him instead of pulling him down to meet her.
It all catches up to him quicker than he would like, overstimulated by the sticky press of his chest to hers, sweat accumulating between their bodies and he feels it everywhere they touch. The clamminess of his neck under her hand at the top of his back, the sheen on his forehead that he uses to reach up to push his hair back when it starts to restrict his view of her, the curve of her belly when she arches a little too much into him and they slot all the way together. But his worries are quelled by the soft trembling of her thighs around him, and the way her mouth falls agape in unadulterated bliss.
She’s close, too.
“So good to me,” he presses his lips clumsily to the corner of hers, remembering how she’d liked it the last time when he praised her, “My pretty flower, my good girl,”
“Yours,” she pants out, bumping her nose against his before chasing another kiss, muttering, “I’m yours,” between his lips.
“Mine.” He affirms, his big, calloused hand cupping the side of her sweaty face, possessively. He loses his rhythm as he loses himself in her, his hips stuttering sloppily as he chases his high, “All mine. I’d give you anything. You gonna come for me?”
She nods, and when Nico gets a good look at her, her eyes are glazed over, dazed and on the verge of falling apart, and he balances himself on one hand to reach between them and press at her clit until she stumbles over the edge, legs tightening in a shaky hold around his waist as she comes around him.
He’s actively trying to commit it all to memory, the sweet sounds that spill from her lips, the delicious dig of her nails into his flesh, the tremors that travel all throughout her body as it wracks with pleasure, the way her muscles contract around his cock as it spills into her, filling her with the stutter of his hips.
He collapses to the side of her, their limbs tangling limply between them, her body twisting with his so that he stays inside, and the room filled with the noise of their panting as they both try to catch their breath.
They lay together in blissful peace for a good couple of minutes, her pointing a finger and tracing mindless doodles into his chest and him raking his fingers gently through her hair. Months, and years before that, of tension leading them both to this point, where Nico feels lighter than a feather laying beside the girl of his dreams.
He blames the dizzying way in which she consumes his thoughts for what comes out of his mouth next - but he just feels so content, so at ease, that the stupid joke stumbles out before his brain can register to stop it.
“Don’t think your pillow can do that.”
She snorts from beside him, her eyes crinkling in genuine amusement, and the way her body shakes with laughter has the rumblings of arousal travel through him again.
“You’re such an idiot,” she giggles, swinging her leg over him and he twists in sync, making sure he stays inside her as she lifts her lips back towards his - any earlier exhaustion from either of them long forgotten as their mouths slot back together and their hips start to move again, chasing further euphoria.
Nico wakes the next morning with a sense of deja-vu that strikes at him like a bat, a full bladder, an ache that settles over him from top to toe, a buzz on a nightstand, and a sleeping Poppy beside him, tucked up against his body with tangled legs and her face pressed into his chest.
The sun is peaking through the closed curtains, casting the room aglow, and he watches her rouse from her own sleep at the continuous vibrations from beside her. She groans as she twists out from their entanglement, and he keeps a hand at her hip to make sure she doesn’t move too far, already missing the warmth of her.
She checks her phone before she answers it, rolling back over into his side and settling next to him as she shuffles up so that they’re a bit more level.
He watches her as she speaks, admiring how she glows in the small slither of sunlight that casts directly upon her like an angel - despite the mess of her hair and the sleepy-swelling of her face. He isn’t entirely paying attention to what’s being said, watching her fingertips play with the chain that sits on the base of his neck while she talks, leaning forward to bump his nose at her brow and pressing a fleeting kiss there, content in the domesticity of it all.
He wants all his mornings to start like this.
“That’s perfect, I’ll see you then, thank you.” She closes her call before hanging up, discarding of her phone behind her and focusing her attention back on Nico’s chest.
“Who was that?” He hums as she shuffles back up against him, his hand slithering over her hip to rest on the small of her back.
“Just my ex,” she shrugs, “I’m gonna leave you here on your own and go meet up with him.”
“Wow,” he chuckles, eyes dancing over her lips as they curl into a self-satisfied smirk, “You’ve been dying to fire that bullet, haven’t you?”
“Mmhm, I’m making the most out of my quick wit while I still have it, Luke told me the other day that women’s brains shrink during pregnancy.”
“We need to start taking Google rights away from people.”
“That’s what I said!” She smiles like she’s proud of the way they think the same things, “It was the doctor’s office. They had a power cut and they’re gonna be running behind so our appointment has been shifted to later.” Her fingers start to dance teasingly across his chest, her tone carrying a suggestive lilt as she continues to speak, her touch moving down as she suggests, “So we could go back to sleep, or we could-,”
He leans up and kisses her with his hands cupping her cheeks, holding her firm against him as he feels her smile against his lips. “I’ll take option two.”
After a blissful morning in Poppy’s apartment, where the two of them, both literally and figuratively, stayed joint at the hip - in her bed, in her shower, no funny business, she said she just wanted to wash his hair, in her kitchen, drinking his morning coffee out of a mug she painted just for him, on her couch, snuggled up when exhaustion caught back up and they had a quick nap together, bad backs be damned - and an early afternoon spent in the doctor’s office, where they learn that their baby is now growing bones, which Poppy should start to feel move soon, and can smile and frown and squint, Nico glides through his afternoon practice with a smile of his own that won’t shift.
He has a new picture that he elatedly displays on the shelf in his cubby, the boys all getting a good look at the now not-so-Cheeto-like shape of his baby, cooing over all the new developments like proud uncles and chirping Nico for the ever-present dopey look on his face.
No amount of jokes directed his way will ruin this for him, though.
This feeling of rapture that hasn’t left since he first opened his eyes in the morning. The way his body buzzes at even the thought of the girl waiting for him to finish practice, to come home to an apartment that she had told him earlier to keep the key to, to kiss at her rounding belly and know that their baby is growing hair and limbs and expressions in there.
To finally say goodbye to the baby steps that he’s been taking for what feels like forever, and dive head first into the crystal clear waters of life with Poppy. Sharing a space, being intimate in every which way with one another, it feels like it’s all he’s ever wanted.
And he wants to bask in this feeling for as long as he can, pushing down the impending date of his flight back home, replying to the emails from his national team coach about the upcoming world championship games and then pretending they don’t exist.
The idea of being in Switzerland for the summer has always filled him with joy - being home, being with his family, it’s where he needs to be after a season like he’s had - losses and injuries and all the turmoil that comes with them - but the thought of being away from Poppy, of missing any of these scans or moments with her and their baby, it fills him with dread. Her mother’s words from their dinner the week before ring through his head like a bell, loud and impossible to ignore.
Which is why he finds himself heading for her place when his practice is over - after showering at the rink and dropping home to pick up an overnight bag, he drives over with all intentions of spending the night again. Sitting her down and talking over the potential of him flying back out for appointments and visits.
She greets him with a kiss once he’s gotten to her apartment and found her in her kitchen, rendering him stunned for only a second before he responds to her touch, hands falling to her waist and lips closing around hers.
It only drives his point further home that he can’t go too long without seeing her, now. Not if this is how he’s welcomed back, not if this is going to become a thing.
He pulls her body flush against his, deepening the kiss like it’s been more than a few hours since he last saw her, savouring the taste of her vanilla lip balm and the way her bump presses into his stomach.
When they part, he finds himself chasing her, pressing quick pecks at her swollen lips until she’s beaming in response, and he feels like his entire body is on fire.
“Wow, you really are obsessed with me,” she giggles, pressing her hands to his chest to keep him at bay, looking up at him with the glimmer of the light reflecting in her eyes. “You okay?”
“I think your mom was right.”
He doesn’t even know why he said that, the words tumbling out before he can even think them over, and as he can feel his own forehead crease into a frown, and his own brows push together, he sees Poppy’s do the same.
“That might be the most unsexy thing you’ve ever said to me.” She pouts, balm smudged still around her lips as they form into a confused pout that he already wants to kiss away, “Where did that come from?”
“When she said I won’t be around enough,” he flexes his fingers against her hips, tightening his hold on her, “I was thinking about going back home before and I realised I don’t want to miss out on anything, I want to be around if you need me-,”
“Please don’t let her get in your head,” Poppy worries as her hands travel up, her fingers curling delicately around either side of his neck, “She doesn’t understand what being home means to you, she just says things she knows will sting, you shouldn’t have to fly back and forth just to make her happy-,”
“I want to make you happy.”
“You do.” She promises, “When you don’t mention my mother, at least.”
He feels a little better at that, at the conviction of her words, the honesty in her eyes, the soft curve of her lips. But the conversation needs to be had, something needs to be set in place to quell the flickering flames of anxiety that fill his chest before it becomes an inferno.
Before he can open his mouth to carry on, she speaks instead.
“Go sit down, I have a surprise for you.”
And despite the itch in him to say something else on the topic before she completely shuts it down, he follows her command, the excited sparkle in her eyes hypnotising him into compliance.
He waits on her couch for her to come over, and when she does, she has a small, white box in hand. Rectangle in shape, around 5 inches deep and 8 inches long.
“What’s this?” He asks when she places the box into his hands, the lid blank and closed.
“Cupcakes.”
“What’s the occasion?” When he goes to lift the lid, she places her hand over his, shuffling until she’s kneeling on the couch, ankles tucked beneath her.
“I’ve been sneaky.”
She looks proud of herself, a sweet grin hesitantly stretching her lips as her eyes dart between his, and he can feel his lips mirror hers.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah,” she hums, “When I had my blood taken before you came in for the scan earlier, I asked Lucy to write down the gender if she could see it clear enough.”
Nico feels his heart stutter.
It’s one of the big things he had feared missing out on, having been told they wouldn’t get a proper view of it until 16 weeks - in another 2 weeks time - at which point he would more than likely be back home. He had resigned himself to finding out over the phone - still exciting, but not the same. “But I thought they couldn’t see it yet?”
“Depends on the position Cheeto wants to be in,” Poppy shrugs, “They do say it isn’t definite, so if it grows or loses an appendage in the next few weeks, blame Lucy, not me.”
“So you know?”
There’s no way she could have hidden it from him, so far. Poppy can’t keep a secret from him to save her life.
“No. Bonnie at the bakery on the corner knows. She hid it in the frosting.”
Nico takes the lid off the box now on his lap, looking into it to see two cupcakes, a thick serving of white frosting and a round, disc-like cake topper with blue and pink writing.
“Baby Hischier?”
He feels warm all over, a static-like tingling spreading across his skin, and he can feel heat creeping up his neck. It all feels so real, so overwhelming. Seeing their baby earlier, the blurred, splotchy shape of it’s head, little features like a nose, lips and eyes starting to form more clearly in the picture. A little baby with his last name.
“It is your baby,” Poppy chuckles, reaching for the box herself and handing one of the cupcakes over to him.
“No hyphen?” He elaborates, and he can feel his brow twitch of its own accord, catching her eye and making her lips twist, fondly, in the way that makes him already anticipate some smart-ass comeback.
“It’s a cupcake, not a billboard,” she quips, “We could do that, it that’s what you want?”
“I thought that would be what you wanted.” If it is, he’ll do it that way, but God does he all of a sudden hate hyphens.
“I haven’t really thought about it, to be honest. Hischier just felt right when I wrote it down for Bonnie. I like your name.”
You can have it, he thinks.
“The less claim my family have to our baby, the better. Plus, it’s kind of the tradition, to give the baby it’s father’s surname.”
“Because we’re so traditional,” he chuckles, liking the way he makes her laugh, too.
“That’s true. Maybe we should make up a name, then? Say, fuck the system,”
“Hischier’s fine.” He says, resolutely, a sudden wave of possessiveness washing over him, and he only feels slightly ashamed of it.
“Hischier is great.” She reassures him, enough to make his chest puff with pride, and the smile that tugs at the corners of her mouth is enough to tell him she’s proud of her own teasing - and all too aware of his mini-neanderthal moment. “Can we get on with it, I’ve been glaring at this box all afternoon.”
“I don’t know, I’m all of a sudden nervous about eating a cupcake.”
“Welcome to my first trimester.”
He can feel the beat of his heart in every inch of his body.
He hasn’t really given it much thought, before now, if there’s any specific gender he wants it to be. He’s always thought it corny, when people say I just want a healthy baby, but that truly is all he wants.
He sees the best of both worlds - a mini him, or a mini Poppy. Half of each of them in one bundle of joy.
He’ll be in love with it, either way.
“We’ve just got to do it,” Poppy says, placing the box down on the coffee table and holding her cupcake across from his. “Close your eyes and take a bite after three.”
He nods, before cheers-ing his cupcake against hers, and then closes his eyes, taking a deep breath and waiting for Poppy to start the countdown.
“One…” He peaks an eye open, watching and unable to stop the grin that spreads into his cheeks, already. “Two…”
She opens an eye, too.
“Close your eyes, Mohn.” He warns her.
“I was checking yours were closed.”
He makes a show of scrunching them shut, assuming she’s doing the same, and she starts the countdown back up again.
On three, he takes a bite and opens his eyes, disregarding whatever colour sits on his own cupcake and immediately watching for Poppy’s reaction.
Her bite had been clumsy, the frosting smearing on her lips, and where he had wanted to see her eyes light up, his gaze is stuck in a magnetised grip to the soft pink colour of the sugary goodness that now surrounds her mouth.
A girl.
A mini Poppy - pretty eyes, a killer smile that he folds to in an instant, a sharp tongue that fills his life with equal parts sarcasm and light.
He’s so done for.
Before he can help himself, he discards his cupcake onto the coffee table and pounces forward, hoping that she flings hers in the same direction as he takes her face between both hands and pulls her lips into his, licking the frosting straight from them before he kisses her with all the passion he can muster.
It’s messy, he can feel the icing transfer to his own upper lip, tasting the sugar as she giggles into his mouth, and his whole body lights up with the joy of it all, their teeth clashing in a messy abundance of shared glee.
He can’t get enough of this feeling, of the sound of her blissful laughter, and so even when they part, he keeps going back for more, pressing his lips to any part of her face he can reach - her lips, her chin, her nose, her cheeks - and when they’re touching the corner of her mouth, he feels the movement of it as she asks, “Are you happy?”
“So happy.” It’s an understatement, but he’s hard pressed to think of more elaborate wording, so he kisses her again before saying, “Come home with me. To Switzerland. I don’t want to spend another summer missing you, Poppy. I don’t want to be apart from you and our baby girl.”
He doesn’t know why he hasn’t asked before. He knows it’s what he’s wanted this whole time, to be in the place he loves the most with the girls he might love more.
“Really?”
“I wanna share the other half of my life with you. We can sort out a doctor so we don’t have to fly back and forth or miss any appointments, and it gives my family a chance to spend time with you, I can show you all my favourite places, we can-,”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“You don’t have to sell it to me, Nico, I’m already there.”
“Yeah?” The thumping of his heart is so vigorous he thinks she can probably see it, breaking out of his chest and flying out toward her like a cartoon.
“I’m hardly gonna say no to a European summer.” She teases with a shrug, licking at the remaining frosting on her lips before she leans in to press them softly against his, again.
“The fact I’m there is just a bonus?”
“If that’s what you want to believe.”
Next Chapter
Taglist: @alwaysclassyeagle @bunbunbl0gs @idgaf-if-youre-here @youflowerr-youfeast @thearchersstuff @bellsdi0r @wonderheartz @jjgsunflower @butterflies35 @kenziepickle @josierosie @laheyxlover @mrsmattytkachuk @dasiysthings (sorry if your tag hasn't worked btw)
#nico hischier#nico hischier x oc#nico hischier smut#nico hischier fanfiction#nhl fanfiction#nico hischier imagine#*oys#*writing#raise ur hand if I got you with the warning lmao#again sorry for the wait on this!!!!! let's all pray life doesn't find another way to smack me down this week#I still can't talk I sound crazy#but the next chapter might be a similar if not longer wait BECAUSE I want to focus on writing something else#just a one off thing#but idak because when inspiration strikes who am I to deny it
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The Tragedy of Love, Death and Maggots, part 16-G
Part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13, part 14, part 15
I paused, thinking about it. “Sure, why the hell not? I'll bite. What's the plan, Mrin?”
It made her break into a proper smile. This time I could see the cracks in it, where something that horrible and despairing lurked. “Are you alright, Mrin? You look… troubled, my love.” The last word lingered on my tongue. It tasted like the fields in summer.
“It's nothing, Doc. Nothing at all.” Mrin turned away, but I caught the flash of grief. Stronger, it was. Starker against the warmth in my chest.
“No, it's not nothing. Don't brush me off, Mrin. Not after everything we've done,” I said, grabbing her arm and pressing it to my chest. “I swear, Mrin, I'm done trying to accept my fate. I'm done trying to make my own heart freeze over. I'm done refusing to admit that I don't care about you, or Athena, or Brett.”
I don't know when I decided that. To be honest, I hadn't quite realised it until the words flew out of my mouth. I suppose it must have been when Mrin burst into tears that night. It always did come back to her, after all. Her and that piercing gaze of hers. It revealed things I didn't know about myself.
But it was true. I was done, once and for all, of letting harm coming to the ones I loved. It was time for me to step up and be a man for once. I pressed her calloused hand to my chest. “Come on, Mrin. Tell me what's wrong. Let's face it together, no matter how horrible. Isn't that what partners are for?”
She looked down, avoiding my gaze. “I've come to a conclusion of my own, Doc. I think- I think it's time I stopped trying to make the impossible happen. I've been stuck here for what, a decade? And no matter how hard I've tried, I can't find a way to escape this place. I…”
“I don't think there is one.”
The admission made her voice crack, and she yanked her hand from my chest as though I'd stabbed her. “Fuck, that hurts to say aloud. But it's the truth, isn't it? There's just no way out. We're stuck here. Doomed.”
It was the opposite of my decision. “Mrin…”
“No! It's pointless, don't you get it?! It's so… so accursedly unfair of you to say something like ‘I love you', right when I've made my choice! I admired you, Doc. I admired how stoic you were. I tried so, so fucking hard to stay calm in the face of everything. I tried so hard not to care. I tried to be like you, and just as I succeed, you do this?!”
She shook, though with rage or grief, I could not tell. “You stupid bastard. You and Athena and Brett, you've all left me no choice.”
“I've got to save you all. Even if it means killing myself.”
“Mrin, what the hell are you talking about?” I tried to reach out again, and she gave me an infuriated look.
“Run the numbers, Doc. I'm never going to be happy here. I don't want to spend my life chasing something that will never come to pass. It's all so pointless. Pointless, I tell you.”
“You're repeating yourself again, Mrin.” Even as I said it, I knew it was useless. We really were doomed to repeat our mistakes. This conversation had been the lead-up to Athena's death, and it was gonna be the lead-up to Mrin's too. I felt that mantle of despair settle about my shoulders, unavoidable as ever.
Yet I had to try anyways, didn't I? Wasn't that what I'd told her just now? Damn, this trying thing was hard. It was hard to get arms to move when they'd stayed still for so long, hard to get the ball rolling when it'd been gathering moss for forever, hard to try when it was so much easier to just not. But I had to. For Athena, who I hadn't reached out to in time. For Brett, who I could have saved if I'd been less of a fool.
For Mrin, who I still had. Who I would lose. Who I couldn't lose, not when we'd admitted the truth to each other.
“It's not pointless, Mrin. You're a fool if you believe that.”
(Character development!!!)
Taglist: @coffeeangelinabox, @dorky-pals, @calliecwrites, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @shukei-jiwa
@thewingedbaron, @pluppsauthor, @cowboybrunch, @wylloblr, @possiblyeldritch
@tragedycoded, @finickyfelix, @urnumber1star, @ratedn, @ramwritblr
@vampirelover890, @possiblylisle, @illarian-rambling, @the-ellia-west, @differentnighttale
@evilgabe29, @glitched-dawn, @rivenantiqnerd, @dragonhoardesfandoms, @xenascribbles
@drchenquill, @everythingismadeofchaos, @owldwagitoutofyou, @dimitrakies, @beloveddawn-blog
@riveriafalll, @the-golden-comet, @rascaronii, @trippingpossum, @real-fragments
@unrepentantcheeseaddict, @the-inkwell-variable, @paeliae-occasionally, @an-indecisive-nerd, @thecomfywriter
@seastarblue, @wyked-ao3
(Anyone else who wants to get added can tell me in the comments, pm me, or send me an ask about it!)
#writing#writeblr#writerscommunity#my writing#creative writing#writing community#spilled ink#fantasy#short story#Horror#Is this really a short story now??
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Hello. This is totally random ask but I hope you can forgive me for it.
I have no idea about Baldur’s Gate except very vague knowledge of some characters everyone seems to talk about, but yesterday my friend introduced me to your artwork and your OC Clover, and I AM OBSESSED! Had to subscribed to your Patreon right away too because sorry not sorry I love omegaverse. So I suppose I wanted to thank you for doing lord’s work drawing beautiful boys who are loved by beautiful bearman 🤣
I also have two questions, I hope you don’t mind. I noticed you allow fics about your boys. By any chance, do you know about any fic written about them? Because I really want to read about Clover and Halsion in any possible shape and form now. And to be honest I am tempted to try my hand at writing something myself. But first I guess I need to learn about the lore a little. Which brings me to the question no. 2 do you have any bits of your lore for the two of them written somewhere? Perhaps here? I saw you wrote something on your Patreon, so I am going to read it, but I can’t imagine writing something without having more background on the two of them. Or knowing more about Clover in general. (I guess this is also a sort of request for you to tell us more about your beautiful Clover and Halsion. )
(God, I realise this ask is terribly demanding, I am so sorry. If nothing else I just wanted to let you know I am feral about your art, it’s beautiful and hot and wholesome and your OC is gorgeous! Thank you for creating and sharing it with us ♥️)
Hey there, thank you so much! It makes me so happy you enjoy Clover :,) He's super special to me and I love sharing him (omegaverse is the best and I'm glad we both agree).
I would be absolutely delighted by fics of them. Happy to say I've had many lovely people ask to write, but I haven't been alerted to the existence of any just yet. I'm in the middle of getting together a sort of masterpost for Clover stuff, but if you're willing to sort through some art, the Clover tag, this specific post, and also this one have story stuff.
If you have any specific questions I'm happy to answer though it might take me a bit, but I'll let you know if I'm saving something for a reveal!
Thank you also for your support on Patreon, it means a lot to me. So glad you like what I have and also I hope you feel nice about helping an artist live off work they really enjoy doing!
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actually yeah i'm just gonna go ahead and state this boundary real quick. i'm not saying this as an attack on anyone, but i figure i should say something b/c this does make me extremely uncomfortable.
anyway random people coming onto my silly posts to be self-deprecating annoy me and i'm at the point where i just block on sight.
genuinely if you blorbo tag a post... unless i say otherwise, go for it. that's fine. i love seeing those.
if you're coming onto my post where i jokingly self-aggrandize about how cool i am and how much people love me just to say that you wish that applied to you and no one loves you! i'm probably gonna dip! i'm sorry if that sounds mean and i genuinely wish you the best, but that's not what we're about my guy and i do not really want that on my post
#multi makes text posts#listen. i have depression. i have *bad* depression#right now i really really do not like myself. i will be honest#but i've been trying to stop talking down about myself all the time#and that *has* genuinely helped#at least a little bit#it's not a one-step solution and you're not gonna be cured forever and never be depressed again#but it's better than nothing if it's something you can do#also regardless can you do that somewhere else. this post isn't about that. fuck off actually#also. let me put it this way.#in one example of this i made a post joking about how people love me for being a silly little guy#and i got one reblog saying 'no they don't'#and it was in reference to themselves i believe#but like. literally go fuck yourself? i don't know you?#your self deprecation came as an insult to me so now i have no sympathy. go sit in the pear wiggler.
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you ever just. become overwhelmed by a sudden out-of-nowhere wave of tenderness and affection and longing for reconnection directed towards someone to whom you no longer speak for Very Good Reasons
#‘out of nowhere’ she says like she hasn’t been doing a lot of reading/thinking recently about various tragic messy breakups#and the later regrets of the parties involved#anyway. tell me not to text her#it’s been over two years since the last time we talked… absolutely no reason to break that streak now. lord give me strength#she was really fucking mean to me! like objectively intentionally unwarrantedly cruel! it ruined an entire year of my life#and fundamentally changed me as a person on a deep level! there’s a lot of things i used to like about myself that i don’t think i’m ever#going to get back#and yet every once in a while we have to do the whole ‘maybe i could make things right’ song and dance 😔#the thing is most of the time i’m not even really angry with her anymore like enough time has passed since all the shit went down that#really i just sort of look at her behavior and feel sad. both because of the impact on me but also because of the ‘that’s really how you#felt you needed to act towards someone who cared about you? you couldn’t have just expressed your feelings in an honest and productive way#instead of just lashing out in the cruelest possible way and ruining the entire relationship beyond hope of repair?’#and i feel bad and sorry that it went that way and honestly i kind of pity her and hope she’s gotten some of her shit worked out#so i’m not like. actively pissed off at her anymore. but also i can’t think about her without thinking about the worst year of my life so 🙃#i don’t actually feel that trying to reopen that door would be very healthy for me at least#we did try a Reconciliation of sorts a couple of months after the initial falling-out and while it was kind of helpful for me in that she#like. apologized lmao. and affirmed that i wasn’t crazy and she did in fact On Purpose say the most hurtful things she possibly could have#said to me given the information she had at her disposal. and that i really had not done anything to her that could warrant that. etc.#it also left a sour enough taste in my mouth that i just don’t see a future where the two of us spending time together is enjoyable for me#and yet… the regret will always live inside me i think. maybe if i were a stronger person…#caseyposting
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Now I definitely know I'm going to hell.....
Sorry not sorry
#To be honest#i just wanted to test out on “what if I drew angst over wholesome?”#because I love angst so much but sometimes hate it#i promised myself to not do it on Dogday because..... he's already experienced and went through enough right?#i guess not to my friend that “commissioned” me to do it.#now that I'm drawing Dogday as if it's a normal thing#I guess I shall huh?#i hope he likes it#but I really do hate how I drew and colored Catnap#I need to do a separate one just about my style of Catnap#Since he's actually really cool and creepy#Who else doesn't like a crazy character that is completely delusional to a leader they believe are god?🙃#And that tortured their dearest friend during the whole process?#Either way.... yes#Anyways#traditional art#artists on tumblr#rambles#dogday#poppy playtime 3#poppy playtime chapter 3#poppy playtime fanart#catnap
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i feel it's so fucking stupid and ungrateful but it still hurts a little when someone gifts me something i just don't like. i don't know. i know it's dumb and inaccurate to astrain that much meaning to a simple gift, but it feels kinda like they don't know me. i guess it feels like people don't see me, like a reminder that the person i reflect and the person i feel like are incredibly different.
#two fairly recent examples jump to mind#last year my class did a secret santa#the guy who got my name barely knew me so instead he asked our litterature teacher for tips#i was doing an effort to participate a lot in her classes and discuss stuff and i felt like she was an adult i could really trust#and adult who Gets It#and she picked just. the wrong gift. a classical philosophy essay.#stuff i hate reading. stuff i hate thinking about.#i said thank you to both of them and tried to read it during christmas break still. but i was right. i hated it.#and this year's christmas#recently i tried patching things up with my parents and we are a lot more communicative now#so they've opened up that my demand not to receive any gifts was painful to them#so we had an agreement: we write open-hearted letters to each other on christmas.#and they can gift me something if they'd like but no pressure if they don't find anything they feel would be a good gift#bc i myself opened up about the whole ''inaccurate gift'' thing being one of the reasons i dislike receiving stuff#and guess what. christmas comes. they got me a printed card from an artist whose work we saw at a local art thing earlier that year.#that artist does mainly either plants or nice architecture. stuff i love.#they picked the ONE work of hers that doesn't look like that. some reinterpretation of the great wave of kanagawa#a piece which i dislike with a passion for aesthetic reasons#i had promised i'd be honest if their gift missed the mark but tbh i couldn't. it's just an aesthetic thing it's completely begnin.#it's not like they spent lots or tried to pick something that was USEFUL#so i smiled and the picture is hanging with other stuff in my room#and i thanked them and i can't express how genuinely glad i am we have a better relationship#but man i felt my heart break a little under the tree in that moment#idk#i know it's silly but it makes me feel weird. and cold.#broadcasting my misery#vent
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once again thinking about how easy it would be for me to be in a relationship if i was cis
#cis woman cis man either way#dude in the neighborhood has a crush on me telling me i'm beautiful like 'thanks! i will go home and cry now'#i fucking hate being trans i wish i wasn't lol#and sometimes i feel like i can't talk about this anywhere bc in a lot of trans spaces it's like. taboo? to express anything but positivity#as if me being honest about how i feel about myself is somehow how i feel about every single trans person jesus christ but whatever whateve#like listen peace and love but i need you to do me a favor and promise me you will not come at me with any 'transness should be about joy'#i know you mean well i know you're right. but transness for me /is/ pain and sorrow. that's all it's ever caused me my entire life#you have to remember that i'm from rural appalachian tennessee with a transphobic family#some of the most deeply rooted self hating repression for years just for. more honest self hatred#i've never admitted this before but i've considered detransitioning and repressing because of transphobia many times#i'm not brave i'm not strong i'm not trying to make some grand statement or be the voice of a generation. i just want to Be. you know#i just got really really unlucky#but i can't repress. i know that would be even more miserable so i'm just. trapped. forever#who i want to be forever out of reach like tantalus or something i don't know#i want to be loved#or maybe i should just watch the batman again
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i have this situation where i love talking about the queer experience particularly in the gender way, as nebulously as possible, when it comes to some sort of broader view or Other People's Experiences making Sense to me
but when i try to kind of face my own gender and thoughts i get like. scared and embarrassed to just Say It, i always have. the they/them out for may/hem jokes are one thing, but talking about my own raw and varied experience of not fitting into the binary, no matter how much i completely respect, support, and cheer on others experiences with it, its so... embarrassing. i cant face my own body a lot of the time. i hardly want anything to do with any gender most of the time, but the rest of the world operates with it really quite forthwith, and like. you can only ignore it so hard, where you fit in, or where you DON'T. where you never hardly ever see anyone else feel quite the way you do, so you feel like you're fake and invalid or doing transgender wrong 😭 (everyone else is fine and right and in charge of their life courageously though)
constantly in a push and pull of relaxing and letting myself find and affirm my identity as i best can with where im at physically, mentally, but also feeling very isolated and even shut down or shunned. the world feels like a box that gets smaller while i feel like the box shouldnt even exist at all sometimes, like it isnt that hard to just keep open and treat it like its just as plain a fact as the grass is green the sky is blue instead of something to pick apart or criticize...
im queer but im queer wrong sometimes, socially. and since im queer wrong sometimes socially, my lived-experience being queer isnt really valid due to being contrarian and so i shouldnt have much to say or have any valid reflections of the experiences around me!!! <-(feelings not reality, but important feelings to be worked through and understood and soothed, which can be difficult when relating or socializing comes with a difficulty increaser!!!!)
#skelly speaks#hfdjg i might delete this im not sure if it sounds too negative!#i dont mean it to be too terribly negative but it IS on my mind.#its a good sign i think that im thinking about these things so much though#im not exactly in the closet but i cant ever really go Back Into It Again now that ive gotten to where i am you know#and thats all just gender queer things! thats not the second punch of being asexual and feeling weird about that!!!#its so good to be honest with myself. i need these conversations!!!#i need to face these discomforts and evaluate them!!!#i have to make my decisions on them. in like. time not like Right Away but you know fjdj#why do i struggle with my body sometimes? why do i like my binder some days and feel horrible about it others?#why am i afraid of hrt? why do i wish i could also try it!#i think my ideals for my body are not realistic! but what are some things i could consider that could help?#intense introspection. its very scary! its also okay.
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somehow while ive been going through the unbearable torment nexus ive still been able to keep up with my album-a-day-for-a-year thing so far
#like yeah brother i wish i was dead right now but im not. somehow i havent killed myself so i keep checking out albums#but i dont wanna undermine that im in unbearable pain rn lmao#my therapist said that wasnt good for me to pretend#im very much still in a torturous life and i feel helpless cause i dont think i can ever escape#but at least ive had the motivation to keep up one thing yknow#or im just crazy and psychotic and this made no sense whatever im going back to my suffering hibernation now#at the very least being honest cant hurt even if it doesnt help all that much but im really at the lowest ive ever been my dudes#ive never been lower than this#im failing at all the aspirations of a healthy person but at least im keeping up on the album thing#i know that maybe doesnt seem significant to other people#but when the only thing i can do when i get off work so i dont die of starvation is get in bed#but i still make an effort to hold myself to this commitment#thats at least a tiny bit of light im trying to put in my life no matter how hard i just wanna lay down and die all the time
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I would like for life to stop hurting for a little while. Maybe. Pretty please.
#speculation nation#this sounds emo but im just in literal pain right now#geeze what a week this week has been. but i got through it.#thinking ahead... hm. i need to go back over my school stuff. i dont remember any huge deadlines due next week#and that cant be right. theres always Something.#oh right i do have an assignment due. tho it's not a huge one.#i have a project due the week after next week that i'll need to work on. but itll be mostly class time for that.#got another assignment for my persuasion project due... i think the week after next? wont be too hard tho.#and i need to really get to work on reading my books for gender communication. it's almost the end of october.#soooooo somehow i DONT have any huge deadlines this coming week. thats so strange and abnormal.#if i was responsible id work on my reading over the weekend. or do more cleaning.#but i'll be fucking honest kitten im at the end of my fucking rope#probably the sleep deprivation and hellish 9.5 day of bodily torture. i hurt.#i will feel more hopeful and happy go lucky later.#i keep trying to point at all the nice clean apartment to cheer myself up but i am just like. this is my torture chamber. no happy.#i will grab some food and then play the sims 2. and then i will feel better.
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#Tw: weight#tw: ed#been getting increasingly pissed off because I’m trying to eat healthy and in smaller portions#and for some reason my weight just keeps going up??#I’m seriously at a loss as to what to do and I’m so tired of being so big that like#it’s really REALLY hard to not just starve#I have like 60lbs to lose now so EVEN MORE because my body REFUSES to stop gaining weight#I’m so fucking tired of this#I just want to like what I see in the mirror again#honest to god I love myself and even my face but I hate seeing how I look to the world#I hate that nothing fits right and everything always hurts#I hate that I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle and I’m doing it alone#please help if you have any tips. I’m willing to try ANYTHING.#personal#text
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Your impulse to believe every last bad thing people say about a guy and then if that guy is victimized by those people or the people who spread the rumors you dont even try to look into if thats even the case, you just assume hes bad by default-- yeah thats incredibly unfair to guys who are victims of abuse.
#so here i am having to heal my trauma on my own bc people think im a bad person. cool.#and then people would use me as an argument point 'this is why men who use guys who are victims of abuse as an argument need#to actually do something to show they care' she said so smugly. knowing those guys wont give that guy any care no matter how#correct she is about sussing them out on their bullshit.#so instead im being given 0 options at all bc both men and women want to use me as an argument jumping off point rather than see#me as a real human right here right now whos suffering and in need of aid.#you're arguing about giving me a place to stay right in front of me. and at the end of the day neither of you actually want to help#create a space for me to heal anyways. im just another talking point to you. left in the dust. left to try to figure out how to heal#myself alone all over again. something I never expected to have to do in feminist spaces- spaces I intentionally entered to get healing#about ANOTHER abuse that happened to be as a kid- though if im honest I never really found healing in such spaces its all kinda just#hating on men for the most part- so truly like the rest of my entire shit life i've had to learn how to heal my trauma all alone. which isn#great nor ideal since on my own im bound to pick up worse coping mechanisms than if I actually got help from others. and lord knows#I have *motions to the scars on my arms* but yknow you'd rather use me as a talking point rather than be what I thought you were-#the last resort I had to maybe actually finally get some actual fucking help with my trauma.#vent#to say im disappointed is an understatement. i'm more just sad at this point. i'm tired of being promised better and then its shit.
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