#this post killed my browser while putting it together

[just-anka]

Hello tumblr! Once again it's been a while. I deleted the tumblr app off my phone a while ago (along with instagram) because I was spending way too much time and energy scrolling mindlessly, and I've been feeling a lot better that way. I do still occasionally check on people on the browser version haha but I miss posting on here and collecting all these little details of my life, so maybe I'll come back a bit more again. Idk.

Anyway, work is still a lot - I'm in the final six months of my PhD now and I'm really, really ready to get this thing done so I'm just working as hard as I can right now. It actually feels good to really put my focus into it and just do my best to take care of myself otherwise instead of always pushing everything at once. I do miss having more time and energy for other things, but when I try to work my hardest at work, skiing/climbing/cycling and writing all at once I just get burnt out, and after two years of essentially killing myself with all the things I wanted and did, it's been nice taking it a bit slower now. I haven't skied anywhere near as much this winter as I did the past two years, but that's okay. I'm finally starting to feel some psyche for running again - been a very long time since that fire has truly been there and I'm just enjoying it right now, even though I'm not running anywhere near as much as I used to. And I'm having a lot of fun climbing without trying to push too much. So it's all good.

Ben took three months of unpaid leave this winter to do a ski season and compete in freeride competitions, which was pretty awesome and I'm so happy he got to do that. It meant we spent most of the winter apart though, so when he came back last week I decided to take a few days off so we could spend some time together. All pretty last minute but we found this incredibly nice cosy airbnb chalet, in one of the most beautiful areas of our mountains that I've ever been to, and had a perfect mini holiday. Had lots of fun skiing and ski touring, but also resting and eating nice food and sitting by the wood stove and playing boardgames and catching up on time together. I came back feeling a lot better mentally, and more ready to give my all for work again.

[princessmadafu]

Democracy

Britain is a democratic country with an hereditary constitutional monarch as its Head of State. Parliament could, if the public wished, pass an Act of Parliament and abolish the monarchy completely, turning Britain into a republic with an elected Head of State. They tried it once when they beheaded Charles I and replaced him with Oliver Cromwell... didn't turn out too well but the precedent is there. There is also a precedent for removing titles and status from unwelcome members of the monarch's family, as when some of the German side were removed during the War. So it's perfectly possible for Parliament to pass an Act removing the titles, status and place in line of succession from any member of the RF who brings the monarchy into disrepute.

I've said before that it's no good just removing the titles D&Dss of Sussex as that will  leave her as Princess Henry - which she'll be more than happy with! Leaving her with the title Countess of Dumbarton would be a nice touch, but really, the pair of them have been so spiteful and venomous recently that it's time for Parliament to be decisive.

"Prince" has to go; it's only his birthright because the British people allow it, and unfortunately for H&M the British public have had enough. It's also irrelevant in America; Americans had their own revolution a while back and dumped King George. Hazza's place in the line of succession has to go too; the monarchy is only one family plane crash away from Queen Meghan - at which point there probably would be a revolution followed by a republic. And there's the option of putting them into abeyance until such time as they prove (like, seriously convince everyone!) that they are reformed characters and deserve another chance. How many chances have they had so far? One...? Two...? Wait, there's another word - lots, that's it. Lots of chances. At which they've turned up their Netflix money-sniffing noses.

Here's an idea for the British Parliament.

I remember from my history lectures that in early Ireland the Celtic chieftains had a pretty good system, whereby each local chief or king was chosen from amongst the most suitable sons and brothers of the previous head of the sept or clan. Admittedly, Irish annals are full of stories about sons and brothers mutilating their rivals to bar them from candidacy (blinding them, maiming them, chopping their man-bits off, killing them...) but I think British people are all more modern than that, and Parliament could easily enact that should anything happen to the Wales family, next in line would be chosen from a pool of the most hard-working and respected royals: Anne, then Edward and Sophie, potentially Louise who seems like a lovely well-grounded young lady. The late HMTQ probably wouldn't have approved of this idea, but thankfully she hasn't had to witness the grandson she adored and his despicable current wife venting their spleen on Netflix. The MegStress killed her before her time.

PS Still can't read your comments, by the way. I use Tor but the last browser update was compromised. I've beefed up my security and it doesn't like comments - I can't even read news website comments, so apologies if anything I'm posting has already been said elsewhere.

PPS Gotta go and clean the dog basket - Mad deboned a raw chicken yesterday to slow-cook some hearty farmhouse soup, the bones disappeared from the kitchen bin and then I spotted two cats and the Chipster snacking under the blankets. Little devils! But cute to see them all hiding together in their collective theft.

[paigelts05]

FNAF - I know you're in there!

https://www.deviantart.com/paigelts05/art/FNAF-I-know-you-re-in-there-883911006

Published: Jun 27, 2021

Renegade File Server Location: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23858029

This posting contains art, a story, and a micro rant about bugs in applications.

Warning: mentions blood, injuries, and use of thumbscrews.

I do not apologize for the rushed quality of the art.

I basically speedran this drawing as all of my drafts are stuck in the master app because for some reason, logging in with Google on the amino master app on an Android device isn't working as of 23/06/2021. In the meantime, I've been using the FNAF amino standalone, and both the FNAF amino and Arts and OCs amino on browser. I know the issue is with the master app or Google and not my account as I was able to log into amino on the Firefox browser.

With that our of the way, I would like to introduce this rushed bit of art.

I was browsing various collections on AO3 and found out about something known as 'bad luck bingo'. I don't have a Tumblr, but had a look at what it entailed and the prompt list.

Because I was not joining a challenge and doing this for fun, I made a small list of sad things and made a Vannis (Luis Cabrera X Vanessa | Vanny | Reluctant follower) fic about it.

I chose the following: can only move the eyes, mind control/ Ghostly possession, and at the end of story, it reveals thumb screws + scarpia ultimatum but instead of the usual, it's "let your body get used to murder people or I will use your body anyway to kill your boyfriend".

Fun stuff! So I wrote a short fic and didn't know what scene to draw.

But because I had to rush this out the gate it made choosing a lot easier.

=°•.🌹 Story 🌹.•°=

°*°•°*°•°*°•°*°•°*°•°*°•🌹•°*°•°*°•°*°•°*°•°*°•°*°

It was a normal day. Ness had been living with Luis for quite some time; in part so that she wouldn't suddenly vanish again, part because she didn't want to go back to her apartment, and part because she had wanted to move in with Luis for a while, and this situation was a perfect excuse.

They had decided to watch a movie together. A film from the 2010's that they hadn't watched in years but both found that they had watched as a child. About half way through, Ness asked Luis to pause the film for a second.

"I need to grab a drink. I'm thirsty. I also need to pee."

"Ok. Don't rush, but please don't take three hours. If you feel ill like last time, just say something. Even if you think it's normal." Luis replied.

"Will do!" Ness said as she left the room. Last time she felt ill, she wound up throwing up in the toilet. The time before that she'd rather not remember.

The movie was paused on a rather funny looking frame, catching the smear between key frames. It made Luis laugh a little, and he realised how tingly his legs were from being sat in an awkward position for so long, so he decided to stretch his legs by walking around the living room, revealing an awful cramp in his foot.

After who knows how long of walking in circles to try and get rid of the cramp, Luis heared Ness walk downstairs. Then he heard the back door creek open.

"Ness, did you just go outside?"

Luis had to ask. He was always worried when the door opened.

Ness didn't reply.

Luis had a bad feeling about this and bolted towards the back door, and seeing it left open, he bolted outside, not bothering to even put on shoes.

"Ness? Where are you?"

He shouted in a panic, wondering where she could have gone. He then heard footsteps and rushed towards them. A bad instinct, but Ness could be in danger.

His instincts were dead on.

A woman in a patchwork fursuit was standing in the street. Luis knew this was Ness.

He also knew that Ness wasn't in control in there anymore.

"Damnit," Luis cursed himself out, "of course this was going to happen. No way it was just going to be over like that."

The suited woman turned to look at Luis and and placed a finger to her lips before rushing at Luis with a kitchen knife.

Ness definitely had no say in this fight. It was him versus whoever was controling Ness. He knew who this controller was, but his mind blanked as adrenaline coursed through his body.

Luis dived to the side, the knife cutting his shoulder, but nothing more.

'A lucky break,' Luis thought. The cut stung and was fairly small, but he knew that this was just the first of what was to come.

Luis managed to steady himself, but Ness, no, Vanny struck again, bearly missing but managing to grab him and throw him to the ground. She laughed in a voice that didn't sound like her as she plunged the knife towards Luis.

The knife grazed against his back as he rolled out of the way. As Vanny was recovering, he managed to get back to his feet and decided it was his turn.

He threw himself at Vanny with a shoulder barge, aiming to knock her to the ground. Perhaps if he was able to get that cartoonish rabbit head off her head, she would return to normal.

The hit connected, but only sent her stumbling back a bit, but not before Luis heard some slight crying from within the suit, and she recovered from the blow quickly, slashing again. This time, the hit connected, creating a deep wound in Luis's arm - the same one as the slight nick from earlier.

He was bleeding, but that wouldn't stop him. He knew that Ness was in there and that she needed his help.

Luis dashed again, seeing if an elbow to the gut would topple Vanny, but it didn't work. Whilst she may have stumbled back for a second, she recovered inhumanly quickly and grabbed Luis by the throat.

"What do you even want with her" Luis was able to eek the words out before the cloth paw tightened around his neck.

Vanny didn't answer. She just laughed, but behind the laugh, sobs could be heard, as if two separate entities were inside the suit, and tossed Luis to the ground and trapped him underneath her, a leg either side of his torso, but most of her body weight being used to keep him on the ground and from rolling away again.

Vanny laughed as she held a knife above Luis's throat, but no amount of laughter could mask the cries coming from under the rabbit hood.

In one last ditch attempt to save both Ness and himself, he reached up, grabbed the rabbit head by the ears, and tugged as hard as he could.

There was a gasp of air and metal collided with tarmac.

"LuisI'msosorryItriedtostophimbut-"

"Shhh, you're talking a million miles an hour, but it's ok. Let's go back inside."

Ness was shocked as to how calm Luis was. She had just tried to kill him - I mean, it wasn't exactly her, but William using her body - but he was so calm. Even though both thier hearts were beating at a million miles an hour, he seemed so calm whilst she was so shocked and scared.

Ness nodded and managed to stumble to her feet. Luis - somehow in a better condition than her - picked up the rabbit hood and knife after clambering to his feet. The two then made thier way back inside.

After locking the suit in a box - as destroying it may insentivise making one again or worse, Vanny running around with no visible tells of it being Vanny - and Luis washing the knife - he was the only one cut by it anyway - it was time to tend to the wounds.

Luis - despite bleeding out of his arm - grabbed the bandages out of the cupboard and begun to clean and bandage his cuts.

He winced as the antiseptic burned the area around the wound, but he knew he had to clean it out, lest it get infected. After the wound was cleaned, it stopped bleeding and looked nowhere near as bad.

"Guess it was just a minor flesh wound," he said as he then begun to bandage the wound.

"Do you want me to help?" Ness meekly asked, having changed into pajamas and a mismatched pair of winter gloves.

"Du yuh hink yuh can ush a hafety hin whith your hands in those ghluves?" Luis's words were mostly muffled by the fact he had a bandage in his mouth, but Ness knew what he said.

"Umm," Ness wasn't sure, "I'll try."

Ness took the safety pin from Luis and pinned the bandage in place. Luis was then able to take the bandage from out of his mouth and finish wrapping up the wound.

Luis then moved on to the the various grazes on his head and back, cleaning the grit out.

"Ness? Why are you wearing gloves? Are you cold?" Luis asked as he winced as he picked another bit of the pathetic excuse of a road surface out of his neck. "You were wearing some when we were watching the movie too. Is it really that cold in here?"

Ness stayed quiet, but sighed, knowing she couldn't keep it a secret forever. "No. The temperature is fine. It's just... Take a look for yourself..."

Ness removed the gloves and showed Luis her hands.

The tips of her fingers were bloodied and bruised and the nails were snapped down the middle. After the order of thumb screws came through to the office, Luis had done a bit of research into the medieval torture device, just in case, and recognised the damage.

"Thumbscrews?" Luis asked, already knowing the answer.

Ness nodded.

"I guess we didn't hide them well enough." Luis replied.

"He made me use them." Tears welled up in Ness's eyes as she spoke, "He has more control than I thought he did. He also told me that if I didn't let him use my body as a means to kill things, he'd make me kill you..."

Luis was shocked, but not entirely suprised. He should have expected something like this from someone like William. Cassey had told them the identity of Glitchtrap many times, but sometimes when things got stressful, it was easy to forget such an average name.

"It's ok," Luis said, "I'm just going to look up how to help ease the pain of those wounds. And no more gloves. That'll just agitate it."

Ness nodded and smiled.

A few minutes later, they were back on the sofa with the movie resumed. The only difference from before the film was paused being that Ness now had an ice pack for her broken nails, Luis had a roll of bandages wrapped around his arm, and Ness had her glass of water.

°*°•°*°•°*°•°*°•°*°•°*°•🌹•°*°•°*°•°*°•°*°•°*°•°*°

Ship names for the web crawlers to find:

Luis Cabrera X Vanessa Luis X Vanessa

Luis Cabrera X Vanny Luis X Vanny

Luis Cabrera X Ness. Luis X Ness

Vannis

[delightfuldevin]

Can I bother you for any lore on your Mario S/I? Does he have any In-Universe backstory or does it all stem from White Void?

SCREAMING AND THROWING MORE HEART EMOJIS AT YOU

Ahem sorry anyway

My S/I entered the Mario universe at around age 8, so his backstory there starts at that time!! My first game in the series was Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story, but at the time, I didn’t follow the game too well cause my cousin owned it and I only got to play it when I saw her so I lost a lot of the information. Then she lost the game before I could beat it ;^; By the time I got the game for myself 4 or so years later, all I remembered was a vague memory of the part of the game that takes place in the forest. So, this translates as my S/I having entered the world through the forest and meeting Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Bowser while they were in the middle of a “Bowser kidnapped the princess” moment.

I’ll put the rest of this under a cut cause it did get a lil long jdbdvkjgvhgvg

So I, being the goody two shoes I was, did not like villains at all as a kid and Bowser was no exception. As a matter of fact, for the first year or so, I didn’t even remember his name most of the time hcbxjcbsj. Whenever I did remember it, I thought it was “Browser”. I stuck to the bros and Peach like glue and just sorta ignored him entirely.

However, as I started to play more games in the series, he started sticking out to me more. I thought his final boss fights were really cool in the New series. I thought his lines were fun and goofy in the games with dialogue, and I enjoyed his almost tsundere personality in the rpgs. Learning about the existence of the Koopalings made me like him more too cause him being a dad just made him so endearing to me. The Koopalings were actually my first comfort characters before I knew what that was.

(Fun fact: My very first S/I was actually the Koopalings’ sibling! I liked the idea of them being my siblings and hanging out together. However, despite me seeing them as Bowser’s kids, I never saw Bowser as my dad and it actually made me uncomfortable for some reason. What led me to realize I liked Bowser romantically was that as I got older, I started seeing the Koopalings as my kids and I thought “well what does that make Bowser to me?” I thought about it long and hard and realized I had a crush on him djbcsjbcs)

So in terms of my S/I, I imagine that Bowser had a crush on me from the start and all the times I was ignoring him in the past, he was doing these things to try to get my attention. He would take any opportunity to show off his power, he would say whatever came to mind just to make me laugh. When my S/I met the Koopalings and befriended them, they played matchmaker to get us together (King Boo was a big player in that too).

In terms of his abilities, he obtained manipulation over lightning from the Lord of Lightning, the dragon from Super Mario Odyssey! It was an accident that almost killed him, but he was revived by a 1-up mushroom and when he woke up, he realized he had control over lightning. He was in his late teens (17-18 ish) when the accident happened. There’s a whole one shot for this I haven’t posted yet,, That’s also where the demi-dragon form comes in! Because his powers came from a dragon, he sorta becomes one himself by proxy when he uses them!

He’s always had the ability to conjure fireballs and his whole glowing/catching on fire thing since he first arrived to this world. It’s kinda a jokey/silly reason for why, but it’s because irl I used to be compared to the sun when I smiled as a kid so I thought “haha what if my S/I is part Shine Sprite” and then cause I have depression I compared that to the Angry Sun from Super Mario Bros 3 so yeah jdbcjsbcsjhcb. I’m not sure if he actually is part Shine Sprite or not. It’s just fun to think about sometimes.

So anyway, that’s it for the main stuff! I didn’t include how I met Rosalina and King Boo cause I wasn’t sure where that would fit in this lil ramble? Also, I know you mainly asked about my S/I’s story, but I don’t know how to talk about it without talking about my ships too fhbfjxhfgch

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ENABLING ME I AM STILL THROWING HEART EMOJIS AT YOU

[gremlinships]

yandere game wip?? nani the fu

yee boye! so im still brainstorming everything. that includes trying to figure out set characters and such. 

what is LIKELY set in stone so far: - the game is yandere themed. violence will be a given as well. - Game will take place in a University based City. yknow, like those cities that are built around a University and its several campuses? yee! - I hope to have a character creator, albeit pretty simple. it will be purely for the player’s immersion into the game! - Will likely be set in a pixel art style because that is one of my artistic strong points.  - players get to choose/start an NPCs route pretty early; and routes will have at least one good and bad end.  - players will be able to choose pronouns, and NPCs will absolutely include male, female and NB people. i hope to also include NPCs/routes where the NPC is either Ace, Aro, etc. (platonic or solely romantic yan characters? boye howdy i’d personally like that, why the hell not)

anyhow, tumblr hates me right now so i cannot post my sketches/any pics ive done so far for it otherwise my browser will die, so ill put them in another wip post/update qwq

[youngbeezer]

Do you Believe in Happily Ever After? | Joel Farabee

A/N: Hello again! I got such a great response to my first fic I posted which literally made me so happy, so thank you so much to anyone who gave me the time of their day to read my fic. Here is a new fic for mr. joel farabee!! This one is a little longer and I tried my best, feedback always appreciated, but I hope you enjoy :)

Warnings: Few curse words, overall just fluff

Word Count: 2160

Tagging a few people again so this doesn’t flop,,,

@ollywahlygator @joshsandersons @joelsfarabees @fratboyzegras @sorokns @butgilinsky @ricohenrique

I haven’t been to too many weddings in my life. I attended one for my uncle when I was around 10 years old but I don’t remember much from it. My mother also got remarried around 3 years ago, but up until this year, weddings weren’t a natural occurrence in my life. 

This past year though.. I’ve attended two weddings, got an invitation in the mail today for another one, a close friend of mine just recently got engaged (so that invitation will be coming sometime in the near future), and one of my best friends’ wedding is tomorrow. Now I feel like everywhere I look, I am surrounded by love. 

Now I’m not saying that is a bad thing, but when every one of your friends are either having kids, getting married, or in serious relationships, it starts to feel a little discouraging. Is there something wrong with me? Am I the reason why I’m still single?-- No, I refuse to think like that! I could get a boyfriend if I wanted to. Maybe my friends are right though… Maybe I’m not putting myself out there enough. 

Anyway, one of my best friends, Karly, is getting married to her long-time boyfriend Travis tomorrow. I’ve met Travis, or as everyone seems to call him ‘TK’, a handful of times and I know he plays for the Philadelphia Flyers hockey team-- which is cool I guess, but other than that I don’t know much about his personal life or who he hangs out with. 

Karly and I met running into each other at a cafe once. Yeah, yeah I know it sounds like one of those cliche romantic meetings, where two people bump into each other and immediately fall in love. I mean we did hit it off almost immediately and from there we became like two peas in a pod-- just not in the way you think. I’ve always wondered though, if maybe I ran into a handsome man at a coffee shop or walking down the street, would I be having my happily ever after right now?

I snap out of my thoughts when an incoming call from- speak of the devil, the bribe to be. Before I can even say my greetings, Karly jumps right into business;

“Ok! So since you weren’t able to come to the dress rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. I’ll give you the rundown on what you need to do.”

Oh yeah, did I mention that I am one of the bridesmaids? Sadly, I was not able to attend the functions before the wedding due to not being able to get time off from work. But, Karly was super cool with it, which brings us to the reason for this call.

“Ok so basically, your dress and everything is already in the bridal suite, so everything will be ready for you when you get here tomorrow. You’ll be walking down the aisle third with one of Travis’ buddies Joel-- he plays on the team with Trav and he’s such a sweet guy he’ll definitely help you out if you need anything.. You know now that I think about it you guys would be such a cute couple-”

“Uh Karly? I don’t think now's the time to play matchmaker, when we should be preparing for your big day tomorrow.” I cut her off. 

“Alright, alright. But I will be coming back to that thought. Ok so anyway--”

After that I kind of zone out from trying to keep up with whatever Karly is spitting at me right now. While still on the phone, I pull out my laptop and search for the name ‘Joel’ with ‘Philadelphia Flyers’ next to it in search of this man who is said to be walking me down the aisle. Right away the name ‘Joel Farabee’ pops up with a wikipedia and multiple photos. Hm this guy is kinda cute. Just as I go to click view more images, Karly’s words register back in my brain;

“Ok y/n, did you get that?”

“Hm.. oh yeah! Got it. What time should I be there tomorrow?” I ask, praying that she didn’t already mention that and realize I wasn’t paying attention. 

“8 AM sharp,” she responds all giddy. 

I suddenly remember that my best friend is actually getting married tomorrow. Feeling giddy as well I reply, “Sounds good. I am so happy for you Karly and I can’t wait to see how beautiful you look tomorrow!” 

Karly does a little shriek in response and reiterates her excitement as well. We then say our goodbyes and I wish her a great last night as an unmarried woman before hanging up. I got back to what I was working on before the call and all my jumbled thoughts entered my brain, totally forgetting about a certain someone named ‘Joel’ as I exited the browser. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next morning I arrive at 8:17 AM at the wedding venue and as soon as I exit the Uber, I start booking it to the bridal suite. When Karly says to be somewhere at 8 AM sharp, you be there at 8 AM sharp, and I’m not particularly fond of facing her wrath today, especially on her wedding day when stress levels are through the roof. 

There’s just one problem though… Since I wasn’t able to attend the rehearsal, I have no idea where I am going. 

Trying to recall the directions Karly told me on the phone last night (when I wasn’t paying attention), I take a sharp turn around a corner looking the opposite direction and suddenly collide with a dead end. Wait- no that’s not a dead end, it’s a person. 

Immediately going to spit out an apology, I stop dead in my tracks when I make eye contact with the handsome man I bumped into. 

“Oh shit! I am so sorry. Are you alright?” I see his lips moving, which are very nice to look at by the way, but my mind doesn’t register his words as I stare dumbfoundedly at this handsome stranger. Who, now that I think about it, looks a little familiar. 

When I still don’t answer, the familiar stranger clears his throat before giving me a once over of my whole body, which does little to bring me out of my trance. If anything I now start to feel my whole face flush from noticing him obviously checking me out. 

His face then seems to light up in recognition before asking, “Wait, are you y/n?”

When he notices my look of confusion on how he knows my name he continues, “I’m Joel, Joel Farabee.” Scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, I notice a slight blush coating his cheeks before he adds, “We’re paired to walk down the aisle together… Um, also I think Karly is looking for you. She was kind of freaking out a little.”

With that last sentence my whole body comes back to life realizing that I am late and Karly is going to kill me. Hurriedly I exclaim “Oh my gosh! I am so late and I have no idea where the hell I’m going.” I frantically search around for any directions to point me to the bridal suite.

Joel kindly puts his hand on my shoulder, which immediately ignites a fire on the skin he is touching, before he reassures “Hey, you’re good. Just take your first right down this hall and then it will be at the end of the corridor, you can’t miss it. Seriously. She hung up streamers and balloons everywhere with a poster on the door that says ‘Bridal Suite. NO BOYS ALLOWED’.” 

Letting out a soft snort I gently thank Joel before rushing in the direction he pointed me to. Before turning right, I sneak a quick glance over my shoulder to find Joel already glancing my way. My heart does a little flutter when we make eye contact and he gives me a little lopsided grin before going on his way. 

What just happened… 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As soon as I walk through the doors of the suite, I am immediately ambushed by the bride to be on why I was late, until she notices the deep blush covering my cheeks, which then prompts another ambush on what made me blush. 

I change the topic as quickly as I can and direct our attention on getting ready for the ceremony. Karly looks absolutely beautiful in her white gown and her hair all dolled up. She doesn’t even seem remotely nervous for today as well. Most weddings I have been to, the bride is always going batshit crazy making sure everything is perfect or worrying that her soon to be husband might back out. That just shows how happy and comfortable Karly and Travis are in their relationship. God, I wonder what it must feel like to have that kind of love that is so solid and healthy. Suddenly my mind starts drifting to what it would be like to have that type of relationship with Joel. 

Oh who am I kidding? I just met the guy. Sure, when his hand touched my shoulder my whole body felt like it was on fire. And yeah, maybe when he gave me that little lopsided grin it gave my entire stomach butterflies. Oh jeez. Today is gonna be a long day… 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ok now I feel like my whole body is going to explode. He is looking at me like I’m now the bride and he is the groom. And suddenly, I’m wishing that were the case. We are getting closer and closer to walking down the aisle together, and every step we take towards one another my stomach does a little flip. 

When we finally reach each other, he offers his arm for me to take as he speaks, “Wow… Uh yeah wow, you look gorgeous.”

Blushing, I respond with a quiet “Thank you.” 

“Guess I was the lucky one eh? In case I end up tripping and making a fool of myself, no one will even be paying attention because all eyes will be on you.” There’s that little lopsided grin of his again. 

“Well aren’t you a sweet talker.” I responded. 

He just gives me a subtle wink before we ascend through the doors and down the aisle where Travis is waiting for the big moment. He gives us both a little smirk before we part ways like he knows something we both don’t. 

…

Eventually Karly walks down the aisle looking like an absolute princess. The officiator says his whole ordeal, Karly and TK both say their vows to one another, there are lots of tears, and Joel and I can’t seem to keep our eyes off of each other. 

After the ceremony, we all head in the direction of the reception hall where the real fun begins. Don’t get me wrong, the wedding was spectacular, the way everyone expected it to be. Now as music filled the air with a giddy sort of elation, the newlyweds looking beautiful and so happy while dancing, friends and relatives chatting between one another about this and that; I can’t help but feel a little bittersweet about it. I want this. I want that giddy elation to be surrounded around me, I want to wear that beautiful white gown, I want the guy to be looking at me like I just hung the moon while we had our first dance. Where’s my happily ever after--

“You know you never properly introduced yourself?” 

Startled, I spun around to find the source. Joel. 

I give him a sweet smile before returning my gaze back to the happy couple and responding, “Y/n y/l/n.” 

He follows my gaze and lets out a little sigh before expressing “They’re perfect for each other, aren’t they?” 

“Yeah, they really are.” Before I can get another word in Joel blurts;

“Do you wanna dance? Like,” He stumbles a little with his words, “like with me?”

Letting out a soft giggle, I happily reply, “I would love to.” 

Seemingly relieved, Joel takes my hand and leads me out onto the dance floor as soon as a slow song comes on. He puts his hands respectively on my waist while I put mine around his neck inching him closer to my body. We dance with each other for a while, even after the song is over and a fast high tempo song blasts through the speakers. It’s like we are lost in each other, just savoring this ‘moment’ together. 

Eventually after the fourth song comes on and we are still dancing, Joel pulls away just a little to look me in the eye before softly whispering “Do you believe in happily ever afters?” 

Seeing that look in his eyes again, the one where it seems like he is looking at me like I just hung the moon? I answer in that same soft whisper, “Yeah… yeah I think I do.”

[cyclopstm]

                         DISABILITY && MENTAL HEALTH

This post will cover items such as disabilities, mental health, PTSD and trauma in relation to Scott. These are things which are either canon for him, or headcanons I want to pay more attention to on my blog.

I do not have any personal experience with any of the items I will address in this post, which means that most (if not all) of my information is gained through reading and research online. If there are items I missed out on or have described incorrectly, you may contact me about this to kindly help me figure out a new/better way to put things into words. It’s in no way my intention to upset anyone, or bring forth wrong information.

To me, it just feels like Scott is a good opportunity to improve the representation of characters and people who deal with visual impairment because the narrative that disability is binary caused that most blind characters in popular media have no vision at all. Blind characters in heroic roles like Daredevil, have powers that completely compensate for their blindness while blind people who don’t have these compensations are usually portrayed as helpless.

As a team leader and a superhero, Scott offers a good opportunity to include people who are visually impaired, yet often ignored or left out of the heroic narrative.

Needless to say, do NOT reblog this post && don’t interact with it if you’re not a RP blog.

                                             _____________________________

TABLE OF CONTENTS : 1. Scott’s brain trauma and injury 2. Scott’s PTSD during his youth 3. Symptoms and signs of PTSD for Scott 4. Scott is (legally) blind 5. Scott cannot distinguish colours 6. How Scott deals with his visual impairment 7. The X-Mansion and dealing with trauma 8. Additional notes

                                      ________________________

1. SCOTT’S BRAIN TRAUMA AND INJURY When Scott was a young boy, he went on a travel with his parents and his little brother Alex. The family’s private jet was ambushed by an alien Shi’ar scouting ship. The boys lost their parents on that unfortunate day and in the crash, Scott took a hit to the head after his mutant powers manifested for the first time and allowed Scott to break his fall and allow him and Alex to survive. The head injury Scott suffered on that day would permanently disable the part of Scott’s brain which would have enabled him to control his optic blasts. Additionally, Scott (as well as Alex) suffered traumatic amnesia regarding the accident. Unlike his brother, Scott was forced to remain hospitalized for up to a year.

As a teenager, Scott began to suffer from severe headaches and he was sent to a specialist (Mr. Sinister in disguise) who provided him with lenses made of ruby-quartz. Scott’s mutant power erupted from his eyes as an uncontrollable blast of optic force and the only means to control it ever since have been the ruby-quartz lenses Sinister gave him. Sinister knew the lenses would help due to experiments and research he had been doing on the boy while Scott lived at the orphanage where Sinister had feigned being the owner.

2. SCOTT’S POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER DURING HIS YOUTH After losing his parents and waking up alone at the hospital after the plane crash, Scott was placed in the State Home for Foundlings, an orphanage in Omaha (Nebraska) where he was subjected to batteries of tests and experiments by the orphanage’s owner, Mr. Milbury (alias, Mr. Sinister). He placed mental blocks on Scott and took on the role of ‘Lefty’, who was Scott’s roommate and bully at the orphanage. During his time spent at the orphanage, Scott was subjected to several occasions which would leave him traumatized — such as the attempt of one of the other orphaned boys at taking his own life, and Scott’s failed attempt at saving him. Any time anyone came close to adopting Scott, Sinister intervened.

At some point, Scott demolished a crane with his optic blast, by accident. He had saved a crowd of people by using his blast again to destroy the crane before it would crush the people, but they believed he was out to kill them and chased the young mutant boy. Scott woke the attention of a mutant criminal who sought to use Scott’s powers in his crimes, but abused the kid when Summers refused. At that time, he had also attracted the attention of Charles Xavier who tracked down Scott and took him in as the first of his team of X-Men...

3. SYMPTOMS OF SCOTT’S PTSD — Reliving the traumatic event (during his childhood) :: as a boy, Scott was fond of airplanes and dreamed of becoming a pilot himself one day. But when he was taken to an air show by one of the orphanage’s nurses, he had a violent traumatic reaction in the middle of the show, reciting things he otherwise doesn’t consciously remember. — Negative Thoughts and Feelings :: Scott often deals with feelings of anger, guilt, fear or numbness. He’s prone to blame himself for things going wrong on missions with the X-Men. When someone comes to pass, he’s quick to take up responsibility and the blame for it, and occasionally even deals with survivor’s guilt. Scott also feels cut off from his friends and family and hardly keeps much interest for day-to-day activities. He hardly does them to relax, but rather only when they become necessary. — Avoidance :: Scott feels like he has to keep busy at all times, he doesn’t want to think or talk about anything in relation to his past, feels emotionally cut off from his feelings, struggles to express his emotions or affection towards others and thus comes across as numb and cold and very serious and occasionally does risky things which could be self-destructive or reckless. He’s often the first in line to sacrifice himself for the X-Men not only because he’s their leader, but also because he has little to no value for his own life. — Disturbed sleep and lack of sleep. — Taking risks and hypervigilance. — Intrusive thoughts. — Nightmares. — Trust issues. — “No one understands.”-mentality. — The sense of never being at peace.

4. SCOTT IS (LEGALLY) BLIND While Scott was born with perfectly normal eyesight, and perfect vision, he no longer has the ability to see without his ruby-quartz lenses ever since his optic blasts came to manifest. Only ruby-quartz can keep the optic blasts under control, meaning that any other means of vision such as regular glasses or lenses would not be of help for Scott. Scott literally can’t see without his ruby-quartz shades. Opening his eyes would prove incredibly destructive to his nearest surroundings.

Someone who is completely blind can’t see any light or form. Of the people with eye disorders, only about 15% can see nothing at all. If you’re legally blind, you can still see, just not that clearly. Normal vision is 20/20. That means you can clearly see an object 20 feet away. If you’re legally blind, your vision is 20/200 or less in your beter eye or your field of vision is less than 20 degrees.

In addition to being unable to distinguish colors due to the red tint in his glasses, they also reduce his low-light vision, which means Scott deals with low vision.

5. SCOTT CANNOT DISTINGUISH COLOURS I’m not using the term colorblindless in this post for the main reason that Google gives me too many search results in relation to racism, and I do not intend to use a term that has a double meaning that could be taken the wrong way.

Scott’s ruby-quartz lenses cause him to see the world through a veil of red. The lenses are tinted in red which alters Scott’s general, every day perception of the world. He sees the world in shades of grey, white, black and red and can no longer distinguish any other colours. Maybe rather than ‘colourblindness’, Scott deals with something alike to monochromacy. Though, Scott’s monochromacy is perhaps not of a kind that has been officially diagnosed in real life cases before.

The comics and movies rarely acknowledge Scott’s eyesight aside from him claiming to have an ‘eye condition’ as an excuse for him to wear sunglasses all the time. Scott’s adaptations to being unable to distinguish different colours would be mostly rather subtle and maybe it doesn’t inherently add onto the story a comic book or movie wants to tell, but they shouldn’t be ignored in how I wish to bring Scott in my writing...

6. HOW SCOTT DEALS WITH HIS VISUAL IMPAIRMENT — High contrast text and browser extensions for reading. — Color coding his outfits. He labels them with what color they are and organizes his closet by items that go together. — As a prodigy at billiards, Scott has a special billiards set adjusted to his specific needs. — Large prints for letters, books, digital fonts, etc. — Increased brightness on any of his devices’ screens. — Assistance from ‘self-driving’ tech when flying the Blackbird or riding his motorcycle. He knows the majority of controls through muscle memory by now. — Assistive technology to improve contrast, especially at night. — Scott owns a touch-based Rubik’s Cube. — Help from his closest friends.

7. THE X-MANSION AND DEALING WITH TRAUMA Scott and Ororo both (among others), are hyper aware of the traumas some of their students have experienced. They recognize behaviours and reactions in trauma survivors because they have been in such a position themselves as well. They made sure the school has a clear set of rules and policies on the safety and comfort of students. The school faculty received training in mental health first aid, there’s places students can retreat to when they feel anxious or suffer from power meltdown.

People like Scott, Jean and Rogue would know how to handle students who have gone through different types of abuse. As trauma survivors themselves, they’d take extra steps to reassure students who have every reason to distrust adults. They would announce themselves when approaching students from behind, maintain wide personal space bubbles and refrain from initiating physical contact such as hugs or touching students without asking them first. They see there’s no use in raising your voice to the kids, and won’t tollerate any kind of jokes about trauma. Scott is rumoured to be very strict on the rules of the house concerning mental health.

8. ADDITIONAL NOTES While Scott is aware that there is no shame in any of what he deals with every day, he still keeps it under wraps a lot. He doesn’t ever want for his visual impairment or his trauma to become his only and main personality trait other people associate with him. This is why a lot of people may not even know that he is dealing with these things on the daily. He’s very subtle about everything and only those who get to know him better may begin to see and notice things which indicate that he’s disabled. Scott has grown so adjusted to living with his disabilities that they commonly no longer cause him trouble.

The only people who know Scott is visually impaired because he told them himself are Charles (confidant and father-figure), Jean (lover, the person he maybe trusts more than anyone else), Hank (as the resident scientist), Ororo (as his fellow team leader) and Emma Frost (as his therapist).

Scott has been able to take therapy sessions with Charles during his early years, and later on with Emma Frost. Jean has also helped him an incredibly great deal on coping with his trauma and PTSD, lack of self-esteem and dealing with his emotions and expressing them more openly.

To this day, Scott still suffers from migraines and occasional moments of memory loss. His brain injury does not always allow him to maintain or store knowledge accurately. His migraines are a result of his optic blast building up surplus energy. When Scott can’t use his optic blast regularly, he will build up a surplus energy which manifests into migraines.

[andmaybegayer]

Last Monday of the Week: 2021-03-01

First Monday of the Month. My boss just quit at work which means I'm now the only formally trained engineer left who has any particular specialization in embedded systems. This week is going to be a doozy.

I also wrote a Very Long set of media updates because I’ve been consuming some stuff that makes me think a lot. Never a good sign.

Listening: I spent all of Saturday playing Minecraft after talking with some friends about it during the week on IRC. Practicing what I preach with regards to my Large Biome Supermacy policy, which does involve a lot of walking. Hence, I started catching up on The Adventure Zone: Graduation again, I'm like ten episodes behind.

https://maximumfun.org/episodes/adventure-zone/the-adventure-zone-graduation-ep-32-by-a-haircut/

I don't really enjoy Travis' DM'ing style. It's very loose and he has a tendency to let players run wild without much structure which is a tricky thing to handle. He does a lot of worldbuilding and character design but doesn't seem to plan much in the way of arcs. That pays off sometimes (returning to the school to realize they broke a promise they made a few sessions earlier and had to deal with consequences, for example) and when it does, it’s really good, but it's finnicky. I know DM's who can do that, but, well, actually I know One Single DM who can do that well and she's absurdly smart.

Reading: Still on Worm, I just got past chapter 8 or so now. It lives in my phone browser so I've mostly been reading it whenever I get some spare time, which is a good sign. If a book doesn't grab me I need to really settle down in a quiet space to avoid getting distracted, but I can read Worm while someone else is on the phone in the same room.

It is a story with a lot of very well-conveyed feelings and events. It's very easy to imagine yourself in it. Characters actually act like they care about what they're doing, I feel like writing this took a lot of care to keep everyone on model.

There's also a certain care given to the superpowers that you'd usually only see in forum posts arguing about an actual superhero story. Everyone always likes to argue about how far you can push a superpower: can you use teleporting to fly? What prevents a speedster from catching fire in the air? Where does the energy for a  pyrokinetic ability come from? Worm takes these and runs with them as a way to make absolutely any fight become a series of gambits relying on whether a power can or cannot be used to perform some high-stakes trick.

The world certainly has some underpinning contrivances to explain why no one gets killed very often but I've always considered nitpicking the base contrivances of a setting silly, because that's precisely what they are: contrived, in order to allow the rest of the story to flow from there. Like arguing about Omega’s abilities in the famous thought experi-*I am dragged off stage by the ratblr police for making a by now extremely stale joke*

Watching: I came and edited this section in like an hour before this posts because I keep on forgetting to put it in. I don’t really like watching TV and with my parents stuck at home in Pandemic Times it’s how they pass the time.

I did finish S3 of the Good Place. It’s very funny. I’m glad I’m watching it and I’m going to have to go find S4 because ZA Netflix doesn’t have it for whatever reason. It feels a little like it was written by Phillip Pullman if Phillip Pullman was a comedy TV writer.

I also really enjoyed the PBS Spacetime video about how time causes gravity. Love when an explanation of concepts is good enough that you drawn the conclusion on your own.

Playing: Visual Novel Hell plus Minecraft.

I spent approximately seven hours in Minecraft over two days. I tend to hop in and out of games for 1-2 hours at a time but there's a handful that can suck me in for an entire day. Minecraft, Warframe, Horizon Zero Dawn, Night in the Woods. Bastion, to a lesser extent. I end up avoiding them because I don't like loosing entire days, but I wasn't really planning on doing anything this weekend anyways.

Minecraft was mostly a long-ass trek to find a saddle, because as previously mentioned, I enjoy playing it with Large Biomes for the sense of scale.

I also completed Act 3 of Psycholonials and Eliza.

Psycholonials is odd. It is doing the thing that Hussie does where it dances around what's ostensibly the story to carry out the actual story. You get used to the trope after your first encounter but it still makes you wonder when the other shoe will drop, and of course, there's no reason it ever has to. The story may remain in suspended animation behind the every growing mess of narrative red tape tying the B-plot together.

Stories about Social Media have no well established norms. I think I might pick up Feed by M. T. Anderson and also perhaps Hank Green's books sometime. See what context they set that in.

Eliza is frustrating to me. It's a game for programmers, by programmers, about programmers. I'm friends with a lot of Capital P Programmers, the types who go to university and get sniped for developer positions at Seattle or Silicon Valley tech companies and who make great and terrible things and then warn you about the deep problems that underpin the slowly rolling ball of venture capital and bloated technology that is the tech industry. But at the same time, it makes me feel like I've burnt out on that conceptually before I even went in. It’s a whole other world that I’m familiar with but very distant from. In fact, that’s kinda how I feel about Psycholonials too. I’m familiar with the social media rat race but I also don’t go there. Parallels!

My cousins (who are halfway to Capital P Programmers, only so much you can do halfway around the world from silicon valley) warned me not to go into CS, because it would bore me, and that's a non-trivial part of why I'm in Engineering. They gave the same advice about Biology and Physics, without that I may have ended up in Microbiology. it’s not my domain, but because of how Engineering is going, you end up a lot closer to programmers than you think. I found out the other day that most of the software developers on my team have no formal tertiary qualifications, which is accepted in CS but of course, right out when it comes to engineering. It’s a whole other world that I kinda expected to skip around. I might go into this another time, since this post is already getting long.

Making: I haven’t done any engineering scicomm posts on here in a while so I started a few blank drafts and finally got one off the ground. With some luck I’ll have that ready this week. What’s it about? Not saying! It might change!

I’ve been doing layout for a custom keyboard, I need to call a laser cutting place and find out what their kerf requirements are so I can adjust the path accordingly. Wouldn’t do to burn a couple hundred rand on an oversized part, I’m paying for this, not my employer like the other times I’ve done laser cutting, so I’m probably not going to spring for getting one of their designers to check my design. At some point I should CAD up a chassis, but at the same time I might just buy some wood and go ham with a router once I get the plates cut.

Computers Slot: I got WeeChat set up properly on my desktop, which technically was just a matter of getting my SSH keys moved over. It’s taking me forever to move in to Cinnabar, in part because Stibnite lost her boot partition and I haven’t bothered to fix it.

So here’s a pitch for WeeChat as a good quality Terminal UI IRC Client. Many of my closest friends live there and it has a good set of tools to help me keep in touch.

WeeChat is very configurable but with perfectly sane defaults, I didn’t configure it for years. The UI is smarter and less arcane than something like irssi, and if you enable mouse support it can be downright modern. Running it remotely like this limits some features but as long as you don’t mind jumping through a few hoops to do filesharing, IRC is really great like this.

One of the big ones is the ability to do that double-pane thing, I can keep an eye on two channels at once (really as many as I can cram on my screen, but usually two) which is great when you want to browse channels while talking in your home channel.

It also has a good array of remote access tools, from what I’m running up there, just weechat running on my server inside tmux connected over mosh for low-latency SSH, to weechat-relay, a relay protocol built in to weechat. At the moment relay only supports android phones and the glowingbear web client, but I’ve never really looked around since both of those cover all my needs. Easily one of the best ways to get IRC on a modern mobile device, barring maybe IRCCloud.

[lovehugsandcandy]

One-on-One: Decisions (Colt x MC)

A/N:  Third one-shot for basketball!Colt. I have two more planned after this.

Pairing: Colt x MC, ROD

Length: ~1,500 words

Rating: R? (Swearing. One suggestive line. Idiots.)

Summary: Colt should never talk to the media...but Ellie will allow it this one time.

Ellie set up the media alert fairly early in their relationship; it allowed her to catch threatening situations before they boiled over into irrecoverable issues that inevitably would involve her bailing out her idiot boyfriend-yet again.

It allowed her to call him right after he lost his first game this season, interrupting the complete destruction of a locker room that could have resulted in a suspension. It was the reason she sped north, weaving frantically through rush hour traffic for hours, when a gruesome Achilles tear had prematurely aborted his senior year and he had to redshirt so he could actually play out his final season. It was the reason she convinced him he should never attend the post-game press conferences. Ever.

And it was now furiously dinging over.

She groaned and reached for the phone, eyes still closed, slapping the sheets once, twice, three times until she finally clasped her fingers around plastic. Her eyes fluttered open, bleary and slow, as she internally prepared herself for whatever foolish shit he had pulled.

However, before she pulled up the browser, her phone rang; it was her dad. She declined and tried to pull up the search engine when the phone rang again. Ingrid. She frowned and declined. When her dad called again, she raced to her computer, sinking suspicion that the plethora of alerts and multiple phone calls were no coincidence.

Where was he again? Texas.

She scanned the gossip rags, relieved to find nothing damaging, and then navigated to ESPNU. Oh Lord, a video. He wasn’t supposed to be talking to the media. 

She hit play.

“Your third Nationals Title is looking more and more like a lock. What are your plans for after graduation?”

Colt shrugged, looking directly at the camera, wiping the sweat from his brow. “I don’t know. Maybe the draft. My wife’s gonna go to Yale for grad school though so, no matter what, I’m gonna be in the Northeast.”

She blinked. It was overall a calculated move, signaling to anyone interested in drafting him that there were only a few pro teams he would consider. But she was more caught by the word choice. But did he just call her his...

The phone rang again, and this time she connected to her dad screeching over the phone line, “Did you get married?”

~~~~~~

She waited up for him. He usually crashed in the city once their plane landed, ditching the team bus to crash in her apartment before heading back upstate, and they would spend a few carefree days lounging at her apartment and strolling the city streets as if they weren’t facing impending graduations that would thrust them into a future they could never prepare for.

Sometimes, she would greet him with pizza and commiseration over a tough loss.

Other times, she would greet him with a shared bath, ostensibly drawn to ease sore muscles, but always ending with them both soaked and sated, huddled close under her covers, reconnecting in the most satisfying of ways.

This time, she perched on the sofa, toe ticking by the seconds, mentally mapping his route through airport corridors, then where the Dryve would crawl down crowded city streets, to where he would walk through the lobby, up the three flights of stairs, and turn the spare key in her lock. She seethed with every imagined step.

Finally, twenty-three minutes after landing, 1,387 furious taps of her toe against hardwood, jingling sounded outside her door and the knob turned, opening to reveal a broad-shouldered figure that she was going to murder.

“Hey!” He dropped his duffel bag on the floor, locking the door behind him. “You waited up?”

“I’m going to kill you.”

He froze, forward progress halting as his jaw dropped at the venom dripping from her words. “Uh… baby? What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” Her eyebrows climbed her forehead, and she stood, crossing her arms over her chest. “What’s wrong?!?!”

He blinked, mouth opening and closing, and she could practically see him reflecting on his day, the day prior, hell, the last week as he tried and failed to figure out why she was glaring daggers at him. “Uh… are you mad that I fouled out? Because, I mean, the game was over and there was forty seconds left in the quarter and-”

“No. Not that.”

“Uh…” He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Is it because I told Logan that if he sat next to me on the plane, I would cut his hair off in his sleep?”

She rubbed her hands over her eyes. “I had no idea you said that, but I appreciate you adding it to the list.”

“Ellie, just fucking tell me. I don’t know what the fuck you’re pissed off about.”

“Your interview.”

He blinked blankly down at her. “What interview?”

“After the game? About your plans once you graduate?”

“I thought those…” He paused, uncertain. “I thought those were our plans. Are… are they not?”

She winced at the stab of guilt; she did not mean to imply that they wouldn’t move in together after school. “Urgh, yes, they are but you… Colt, you called me your wife.”

“That’s what you’re pissed about? Seriously?”

“Yes! It’s not true and my phone has been literally ringing off the hook, and some ESPN talking head devoted ten minutes to it during one of their trashy shows and-”

“Elie, we’re basically-”

“We are not-”

“Babe, I just meant-”

“Don’t you babe me!” She stomped closer to glare up at him. “This is why Logan is the one who talks to the press.”

“What? Fuck him. And what was I supposed to say? She cornered me!”

“Oh, how about anything but that?”

“Come on, babe.”

“Don’t even.”

“Who cares what the hell they say on tv?”

“Colt…” she put a hand to her temple. “You created not only confusing press for you but also drama. For me! My dad is convinced we eloped.”

“Babe, it’s like wifey. Everyone knows I meant it like that, come on.”

“No, no one knew that.”

“Come on, wifey,” he pouted.

“Jesus Christ. Don’t you dare-”

“Wifey…” he complained while she bristled, traitorous lips twitching regardless of how hard she tried to fight the smile down.

“Stop calling me that!” 

“Oh, wifey. You-”

She groaned, jumping away to stalk into the kitchen, yelling “Oh my God!” Footsteps followed her and she spun, glaring. She tried to stay annoyed, she did, but he was fucking ridiculous, lips curved in an exaggerated frown and eyes brimming with mockery.

“Wifey....”

“I swear to God!”

His hands wrapped found her hipbones, pulling her close to kiss her neck before whispering in her ear, “Wiiiifeey.”

“Jesus!” She pushed him away, barely able to get the words out through hitching giggles. “Why do I put up with you?”

“Because you love me.” She couldn’t speak through her laughter, but she hoped the fond grin stretching over her face betrayed her thoughts. “How about wifey like marry me?”

She froze. “... What?”

“Marry me.” Time stopped and the air left Ellie’s lungs.

“This isn’t…”

“Ellie, marry me.” His eyes were intent on hers, and she had to lean against the counter to hold herself up.

“You…” she stuttered. “You asked me that before.”

That brought him up short. “I did?”

“Kinda.” Her shaking hands found the counter top behind her, and she held on for dear life. “When you got your concussion junior year against Hartfield.”

“When I was in the hospital for two days?!?”

“When you were bleeding out on the court.”

“Oh. The perfect time for major life decisions.” His eyes narrowed as he studied her. “Well, what did you say?”

“I didn’t say anything! You passed out!”

His mouth dropped open. “You left me hanging?”

“What.”

“Seriously, you just ignored me, what the heck, El?” he jeered. “You can’t leave a man hanging like that!”

“What the-” She rolled her eyes. “Colt!”

“Well, what do you say now?”

“You don’t… you don’t have a ring.” His lips stretched into a self-satisfied smirk. “You have a ring.”

He reached into his pocket, pulling out the piece of jewelry and holding it out between two fingers. “What? You want me to do this right? Get down on one knee and all that?” She couldn’t even answer, eyes welling with tears; he rocked back on his heels. “Uh, Ellie? You gonna answer me?”

“You-” Her voice trailed off as the tears started falling, rivulets over her cheeks, her smile; she tried to blink them away, tried to speak, tried to do something, but she could only stand there, watching him gaze at her in absolute adoration. Finally, she gave up and just nodded, slowly at first, then frantic, giggling, leaping  into his arms, not even caring that she was crying all over his university tracksuit as he cradled her close.

When she finally thought she had control of her face, she glanced up and the smile on his face made her heart skip.

At least until he spoke. “I knew you would wanna lock this up.”

“Don’t make me immediately regret my decision.”

He pulled back to shoot her a cocky grin, eyes gleaming. “You’re not gonna.”

She only smiled back, thinking, No, I’m not gonna.

.

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Colt

ROD

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[365days365movies]

March 2, 2021: The Last Unicorn (1982) (Part 1)

I, uh...I wanna talk about zoology.

It’s my profession of choice, although if I’m going to be specific, it’s ecology and ornithology, based on my Masters. But while my expertise is in birds, that doesn’t mean I have any particular preference. So, let’s talk mammals. Specifically, I’d like to talk about horses.

Horses are odd-toed ungulates (Order Perissodactyla) belonging to the family Equidae, with only one living genus (Equus), which includes donkeys, zebras, and a FUCK-ton of fossil progenitors. Not gonna go into horse evolution here, since it’s a vast topic on its own, but the group dates to about 54 million years ago, during the Eocene period.

There are specific features that define modern horses as horses, including a single hoofed toe for walking on, a body built for running with high stamina, and a large cecum in the intestines for breaking down fibrous and herbaceous material. It’s a group native to North America, Africa, and Asia, with the modern descended horse descended from a somewhat unknown ancestor in Central Asia.

They’re grazers rather than browsers, which many similar sized herbivores are. And, of course, they have a close relationship to humans throughout prehistory. Their main systems of defense against predators are the afore-mentioned running capabilities, a VICIOUS kick (especially horses like zebras), and a high-range of monocular vision due to the position of their HUGE eyes.

In terms of sexual selection, it’s essentially based on physical competition between the males in a population, which are usually formed into reproductive harems. That’s one male with multiple females that live within an established range. The females have their own dominance schemes, while groups of males exist in bachelor herds before establishing a harem of their own.

And those two paragraphs help explain why horses don’t grow horns.

Animals like this bighorn sheep, as well as antelopes with impala and gerenuk, perform intrasexual selection using their horns, the size of which determine the fitness of an individual male, with the fights settling any potential ties for watching females. And that’s the main reason why herbivorous mammals grow horns, and horses have come up with different social structures to compensate. But OK, couldn’t they just horns anyway? 

Remember the stomach I mentioned earlier? Here’s the thing; hindgut digestion, which is what horses do...not the most nutritionally efficient form of digestion. In order to maintain their running lifestyles, they invest all obtained energy and nutrients into building muscle and other important functions. Fact of the matter is, they just can’t devote enough energy and nutrients to the physiologically expensive act of owning a horn. They do have a close relative that does that, though. However, they’ve sacrificed their speed, intelligence, and even their eyesight for their horns, as well as beefing up their physical defense with thicker skin.

YUP! So why talk about this? I mean...you know why.

OK, so that had basically nothing to do with this movie, but a post like this has been building since I mentioned the gerenuk a little bit ago. Sorry, had to get it out. Anyway, yeah, unicorns are impossible, but they’re still a hallowed mythical creature. National animal of Scotland, one of the most prominent symbols of medieval mythology, a magic-using ethnic class in a mythical kingdom composed of a horse-based majority that also includes normal horses and pegasi...

You know, unicorns. So, I’m definitely interested in what would happen to make a unicorn, well...the last one. My bets are on something man-made, like deforestation or another for of habitat depletion. Could be poaching for the horn. After all, that’s what’s been driving rhinoceros species to near-extinction (or actual extinction in the case of the western black and northern white rhinos. RIP Sudan, you goddamn king).

But let’s find out rather than speculate! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

During medieval times, in a mystical wood called the Unicorn’s Forest, a hunter shows unease to his companion. In the forest, there are no seasons, and the beasts are protected from hunters, as long as there is one unicorn left if the forest. That last unicorn is...the Unicorn (Mia Farrow), who learns from the hunters that she must be the last of her kind.

The opening credits, which are a gorgeous animated medieval tapesty, are backed by the song “The Last Unicorn”, by America (damn, nice pull). Gives the whole thing a Renn Faire feel. Never been to a Renn Faire, but I’d love to go to one, honestly.

Anyway, the Unicorn is in doubt that there are no more of her kind in the world, as they live forever, and she would know if there are none left...right? However, they can also be killed and trapped, so...I mean, they might be dead, Unicorn. As she’s thinking on this, the most Rankin-Bass butterfly ever shows up singing a ballad of love. This is...the Butterfly (Robert Klein), a bard-erfly (see whay I did there) who won’t stop singing, despite the Unicorn’s pleas to tell her of other unicorns.

Butterflies, apparently, repeat to anything they hear around them Which involves like, a lot of non-medieval songs. There’s one about the A-train, apparently, which makes...just NO fucking sense. As the Unicorn also shows frustration at this anachronistic little bugger, he breaks his songs to tell her than the Unicorns have all been chased off by “the Red Bull.”

...I’m going to hold it off as long as I can, but the joke WILL come. It WILL come.

She wonders if she can truly leave the forest, then actually does so in order to find the other unicorns. She happens upon a farmer, who attempts to tame her, as he only sees her as a horse. Apparently, men can no longer see unicorns as they are, and usually only see them as white horses. So, there may be unicorns in the world after all!

Not sure why she doesn’t go back to her forest after realizing this, but...OK. She continues on, backed once again by a song performed by America, called “Man’s Road”. Real talk, I’m digging the music in here, which is my inner folk rock fan talking.

While she finds nothing on her journey, she’s instead found by Mother Fortuna (Angela Langsbury), a witch who runs a carnival that needs a new exhibition. With her comes Ruhk (Brother Theodore) and magician Schmendrick (Alan Arkin), the latter of whom actually can see the Unicorn as a Unicorn.

At the carnival, Schmendrick introduces hiself to the Unicorn, wanting to get her out of there. Meanwhile, an audience is fooled by Mother Fortuna’s illusory magic to see a manticore, satyr, and the Midgard Serpent, when in reality they are an elderly lion, ape with a twisted foot, and really sad snake. However, the Harpy that she has IS real, and a major threat to Fortuna were she to escape.

That night, Fortuna speaks to the Unicorn of the Red Bull, owned by a King Haggard. The Unicorn asks Fortuna to free both her and the Harpy, two signs of the same magical coin. Also...is this a kids’ movie? Kinda thought it was until I noticed that the Harpy has, well...pendulous breasts. Literally the best way I can describe them. Also, three of them, so...there’s that.

After she leaves, Schmendrick arrives to free the Unicorn with his magic...and he’s shit at it. Like, REALLY shit. But thankfully, he’s a decent pickpocket, and stole the cage keys from Ruhk. He lets the Unicorn free, and she in turn releases the other animal prisoners, Harpy included. Which is NOT great for Fortuna, who’s IMMEDIATELY killed.

The two leave together, and head on the Unicorn’s journey to find her own kind. She cannot grant Schmendrick his wish to become a true magician, but he still gives her information about this world, and King Haggard, who seems like bad news.

On the road, the two encounter a gang of thieves of the road, who work for Captain Cully (Keenan Wynn), a short and portly leader of bandits. His mistress is a woman named Molly Grue (Tammy Grimes), who’s endlessly frustrated by Cully’s regular failures. They befriend Schmendrick, who impresses them with illusions of Robin Hood and his Merry Men. Although, it’s not his illusions, but those of the Unicorn, trying to help.

Doesn’t help that much, though, as the Robin Hood-hating Captain Cully ties him up to a tree after all of his men and Molly leave. A frustrated Schmendrick mutters a spell by mistake, and brings the tree to life.

And then my girlfriend fuckin’ broke. Here she is, below:

Ravishing. Yeah, she’s watching this too, and when the tree came up, her words were, and I quote:

...a smooth-talking horse, a three-tittied harpy, and a BOOBED TREE!

Boobed tree is an expression I will find a way to use in my life. Also, this is ABSOLUTELY not a kid’s movie, and that is one busty-ass tree. This tree, called...The Tree (Nellie Bellflower) is in love with Schmendrick, and is enraged by the appearance of the Unicorn. However, the Unicorn undoes Schmendrick’s magic, and puts the t-horny tree back to sleep.

The two encounter Molly Grue, who’s astonished to see a Unicorn. She cries, as she was been waiting to see one since she was a young maiden, but now she isn’t one anymore. Interesting implications there, but moving on. Molly wishes to join them, and while Schmendrick isn’t super down for that, she wins the Unicorn’s trust when she points out that they’ve been going in the wrong direction. Whoops.

OK, with that, let’s break for Part 2! See you there!

[sambergscott]

i'd wait forever and a day for you

summary: post-trying // jake is on an undercover mission and amy thinks she’s pregnant. 

(you should read this just for the last line tbh)

Her period is late.

At first, she attributes it to stress. Jake is on a major undercover operation and while she is an incredibly proud, supportive wife, she knows how dangerous the situation is. He’s a great cop -- one of New York’s finest, in both senses of the word (...he’s hot) -- and he was so excited about getting this assignment. And she’s excited for him -- really, she is. But with updates filtering through to Captain Holt at a snail’s pace, it’s impossible not to worry about him, where he is, what he’s doing, whether he’s safe. Her cycle was shot to hell when he was in Witness Protection in Florida and it is entirely possible that history is repeating itself. 

Four days pass, Jake is still undercover and her period still has not arrived. She tries to blame Hitchcock’s God-awful Zika cologne disrupting her cycle again until she remembers that both Hitchcock and Scully have been off work all week with food poisoning. She even Googles why is my period late?, quickly closing the tab and deleting her browser history when the first result that pops up is pregnancy. 

There’s no way she’s pregnant. She refuses to even consider it for a second. 

Despite her absolute certainty that her uterus is as empty as it’s always been, when Rosa invites her for drinks with her new boyfriend, Amy opts for a non-alcoholic beer. 

“I’m driving,” she explains at Rosa’s raised eyebrows and swiftly changes the conversation. She finds out that Rosa’s boyfriend is a mechanic and they hit it off when she took her motorbike in for repair. She talks about Jake, about how he’s her favourite person in the entire world and how much she misses him (A Lot). He asks her what it’s like dating a cop and how to deal with the person you love putting themselves in danger every single day, which makes Rosa blush. Amy has never seen her blush before. 

“It’s difficult,” she says truthfully. She hates seeing her husband hurting and being thrown in prison for crimes he didn’t commit and having guns pointed at his head. It’s why she instated the short-lived ‘no dating cops’ rule, before Jake kissed her and she decided screw it. “But it’s worth it. When you really love them, it’s worth the pain. Every second.”

“That’s what I thought,” he responds, looking at Rosa the way Jake looks at Amy. 

She finishes her drink (which is so not as good as its alcoholic counterpart) and gathers her coat and purse. “I’ll leave you two lovebirds to it. See you Monday,” she directs at Rosa and “it was nice to meet you” at her boyfriend, who she has a feeling might be sticking around for a while. 

She opens up her Messages app and types out a full paragraph to Jake about how she met Rosa’s boyfriend before him and how he’s really nice and makes her blush! Rosa Disz!!! Blushing!!! She adds a gif of Jonathan Van Ness saying “can you believe?” and is about to click send when she realises his phone is on his nightstand where he left it before his mission and puts her phone back in her pocket in dismay. 

Once home, she gets changed into one of his NYPD t-shirts and climbs straight into bed, crying herself to sleep. 

She wakes up bright and early the next morning, a feat that is made significantly easier when there is no super cute husband to snuggle with. She showers, pulls on leggings and one of his plaid shirts and gets started on her Sunday Chores. Dancing around the apartment and pretending the mop is a microphone stand is a lot less fun on her own and she overcompensates, making herself dizzy and throwing up in the toilet she just cleaned. 

Without thinking, she finds herself at the bodega on the corner, staring at the selection of pregnancy tests. She grabs three of the safest looking ones and bites her lip when the guy congratulates her as she pays. She’s wasted hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests thus far and she knows she’s definitely wasting money on these ones too. She doesn’t need congratulating for making poor financial decisions and being bad at making babies, but she thanks him anyway. 

Back at the apartment, she dumps the paper bag on the kitchen counter to deal with later. She makes a cup of tea, calls her mom and fills in The Times crossword. The paper bag screams out to her the entire time. 

Reluctantly, she removes the boxes from the bag, fully intending to put them away in the back of the bathroom cabinet, out of sight. 

A niggling voice tells her to just open one and find out. 

She has the box open and the test in her hand when her phone buzzes with a text from Holt informing her that Jake is safe and the mission is going well. 

She drops the test like it burnt her skin. 

Jake. She can’t do this without him. If she is pregnant, she’d never forgive herself for finding out without him, for stripping him of that moment they’d been dreaming of forever. 

She’s waited this long, she can wait a few more days. And she’s probably not pregnant anyway. 

She ends up waiting two more weeks. 

It’s torture. 

She’s throwing up almost daily, crying in the break room for no apparent reason and her damn period has still not come. All symptoms which could be explained away by a lack of Jake Peralta and stress (due to missing the aforementioned Jake Peralta). 

Rosa corners her in the ladies bathroom and asks if she wants her to run out for more pregnancy tests.

“I already have some at home.”

“And?” She prompts. “Did you take them? Are you pregnant?”

“I don’t know.” She tries to play it off as no big deal, but Rosa knows her pretty well these days. 

“You’ve been trying for nearly a year, there’s a chance you are finally pregnant and you haven’t taken a test?”

“I can’t -- I want to -- Jake --.”

“Oh,” it dawns on her. 

“Yeah,” Amy sighs. “I’ve been staring at the tests every night but I just can’t. Not without him.  He’d be devastated.”

“He would not be devastated if you were pregnant, Amy Santiago.” 

“You know what I mean. He’d want to be have been there. I want him to be there.”

“I guess he needs to hurry the hell up and catch the bad guys then.”

He must have heard her because, hours later, the elevator door opens and there he is, exhausted and still in his weird undercover clothes, with the biggest smile on his face. 

She practically throws herself at him and, yeah, maybe she kisses him in a not-very-work-appropriate way and maybe some of the perps in the holding cell wolf whistle and maybe Charles is crying, but he is home and she can finally take those pregnancy tests. 

Holt allows her to clock out early (she makes a mental note to buy him a glass of Charbonnay the next time they go to Shaw’s) and Jake excitedly tells her all about the case, barely taking a second to breathe.

“Sounds fun, babe,” she says when he gets to the part of the story when he handcuffed the bad guys and then made out with this super hot chick in front of all his co-workers. 

“It was awesome,” he confirms. “What about you? What have you been up to? I missed you so much.”

“Aw,” she smiles, rubbing her hand over his thigh as he drives, “I missed you so much, too. As for what I’ve been up to, I’ve mostly just been kind of sick.”

“Really?”

“Mm-hmm. I... um... actually think I might be pregnant.”

He swerves suddenly, nearly crashing the car. Ignoring the cars around them honking, he focuses on his wife. “Pregnant?”

“My period is nearly three weeks late, I’ve been throwing up and I’ve been extra emotional,” she debriefs him. 

“Right. OK.” He takes a deep breath. “Have you taken a test?”

“I bought three but I couldn’t take them without you. It’s kind of been killing me.”

“Yeah, I bet,” he laughs, pulling over in front of their apartment. Neither of them move. “We should probably take them now.”

“Yeah,” she agrees. 

“You nervous?”

“Yeah,” she says again. She’s lost count of how many negative tests they’ve seen, how many times she’s felt that familiar crushing disappointment. The thought of going through it all over again... 

“I understand. We can wait, if you want. Or we could rip the band-aid off, let the scab bleed all over the place. I’ll hold your hand.”

There’s this reassuring look in his eyes that she’s seen a million times over from back when they were newly-assigned partners and he was reassuring her they would solve a tough case to that time on the roof of 397 Barton Street when he said he always knew she was going to be his boss to his speech at Hitchcock’s (second) divorce party when he told her that they are a family and that they can take whatever ‘next step’ she wants because as long as they’re together, he’s happy. 

Because it’s him, she nods. “Let’s do this.” 

The wait for the timer to go off seems longer than ever. She squeezes his hand so tight she thinks she might cut off the circulation, but he doesn’t complain, just keeps talking about how they’ll be fine, no matter what the result. 

The timer eventually goes off and she picks up the test and starts crying immediately. 

Jake hugs her tight and she can feel him crying too and this is so crazy and insane and good. 

“We’re having a baby,” he says in awe and it’s the best thing Amy’s ever heard. 

“We’re having a baby!” She repeats, half-laughing, half-crying. 

She yelps as he lifts her up and spins her around their tiny bathroom before kissing her tenderly. 

“I can’t believe this,” he exclaims when he pulls away, rubbing his hand over his face, “can you?”

“Nope.” She grins, kissing him again.

[softbiker]

Steve Rogers Oneshot

Warnings: some strong language, mention of super soldier butts

Word Count: 2.7k

Summary: Steve Rogers takes a coffee break. It’s good to try new things.

A/N: This is a continuation of Extra Whip - so I recommend reading that first in order to be familiar with who the reader is! It takes place in the same universe as @kentuckybarnes​ Agent 28 and @nacho-bucky​ Agent 41, with permission from both :) At the moment, my plan for these two is a series of one shots; connected by characters and certain events, but not a strong overarching plot. Let’s keep it fun okay? (Can’t believe I’m posting this before I’ve had my coffee but hey, I’m excited). Enjoy! 

A month goes by.

In missions, gunpowder grit beneath his fingernails; in Stark Foundation fundraisers, his bowtie digging too tight at his neck; in karaoke nights - and avoiding karaoke nights, sneaking up to the roof with Bucky for a smoke. Somehow the habit crept back in, between the two of them.  Deeper than muscle, it’s a bone memory - shoulders pressed together on a fire escape, nostalgic for nicotine and other things that won’t roll into cigarette papers. No one knows about their little habit, except for maybe Nat - who cares less about their upstanding reputations than everyone else, and she’ll even share a pack every once in a while. Steve marvels at cigarettes now, the way he marvels at everything that should’ve killed him before he became a miracle. 

So February passes. He eases up on Health Food Reform, satisfied that the good habits seem to mostly stick. 41 continues to slurp on her spinach milkshakes during briefings, and it brings out his big brother smile every time. Every time he wonders who might have made it for her. 

March blusters in with excessive force, with the wind whipping storms on every front and a crisis on every continent. For the first two weeks of the month, Steve doesn’t set foot at the compound, shuffling between safe houses and sleeping on the quinjet, his neck aching in complaint. The team forgoes their long-anticipated weekend retreat to Tony’s cabin in Aspen in favor of a terror attack in Johannesburg. 

“Man, I was not made for this kind of heat,” Sam mutters, tugging at the harnesses of his uniform as sweat streams down his neck and into his shirt. 

“You would’ve been in the hot tub in Aspen, anyway,” Clint teases, taking stock of his quiver, his words slurred by the bubblegum in his mouth.

“Yeah, with a couple of snow bunnies, that’s for damn sure,” Sam bites back, shoving his goggles into a side pocket on his tac pants. 

“Focus, Sam,” Steve sighs over the comm. He’s got eyes on them - opposite rooftop, approximately 100 feet above the epicenter of the chaos. “The sooner we wrap this up, the sooner you can sit in a jacuzzi with your rabbits.” 

Tony’s laughter over the comm line is so loud, Nat has to remove her earpiece for a full minute. 

“What?” Steve turns to Nat, bewildered. She’s got a white streak of dust in her hair. “What? What did I say?” 

She just shakes her head, taming the curl of her lips with a click of her tongue.

“Nobody tell him,” Tony insists, his voice still a wheeze. “Jesus, I am gonna hold onto that for weeks. That’s going in the digital scrapbook - F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”

“Already saved the audio file, boss.”

Steve just hangs his head, resigned. No chance of living that one down. 

Hours later, they pile into the quinjet in beleaguered pairs, Clint propped on Sam’s arm, 28 with Natasha - both dusty and bruised but no major injuries, followed by Wanda and 41, with Tony bringing up the rear. Steve takes stock with a keen gaze as they trudge up the ramp into the jet, Buck slouched in the seat beside him, his flesh fingers blackened with gunpowder. More than 10 hours on the ground, with thousands of safe civilian lives to show for it - but no arrests had been made, no suspects found, no bad guys to put away. Not today. A stalemate, which Steve hates. He loathes the ambiguity, the loose ends of this job, the way the world can just never stay safe. 

A knee jostles against his own, and he looks over at Bucky; he’s got one eye cracked open, narrow window on a sky blue gaze peering back at Steve. 

“You good, Rogers?” he mutters, lazily rolling his jaw. 

“Me? Yeah, Buck, I’m fine.”

“Uh huh. Well quit grindin’ your teeth like that.” Bucky sighs and lets his eyes slip closed again. “The one thing your ma never had to fix, those damn perfect teeth.”

It draws a dull, tired smile, just like he intended, and Steve elbows Bucky in the ribs - the two of them exchanging a couple of tired blows, before settling into their seats, pressed against each other shoulder to knee, like they’re still trying to fit in a foxhole. Steve takes a little of Bucky’s weight as he leans over to let 28 pass them and settle into a seat across the aisle, buckling herself in and sending a tired smile their way. 

He accepts a Starkpad from Tony as he passes by on his way to the cockpit. A swipe of the screen reveals a face - a white man, late 40’s, dark hair with white streaks at the front. Nothing noticeable about him otherwise. Beneath the face is a name: Israel Hayes. He stands and stalks his way up the aisle of the jet, careful not to disturb any of his sleeping teammates as he follows Tony. The Iron Man suit dissolving back into the nanite housing unit on his chest, Tony is left only in a soft black shirt and pants - he looks vulnerable, small, when Steve leans into the cockpit, his shoulders crowding the space. 

“This our guy?”

“Seems like it. F.R.I.D.A.Y. cross-referenced his known aliases with similar activities in Europe and Asia - but he’s good. Never shown his face good.”

“Not even on CCTV?” Steve quirks a brow.

Tony shakes his head, lips pursed. “Nope. My guess? He’s got some kind of algorithm like the one SHIELD instituted for our agents in the backseat. You know how we never know what a SHIELD agent looks like?” He gestures towards the passengers with his thumb and Steve nods. “Same thing. As soon as his face is captured on a camera, his server finds it and scrubs it clean.”

“That possible? For someone who’s not SHIELD?”

“If he’s got the connections it seems like he has? Then yeah.” Tony huffs out a breath. “Not that I’m worried - F.R.I.D.A.Y. has found smaller needles in bigger haystacks.” 

Steve just nods, staring at the man’s picture on the tablet in his hands. 

He stares at that tablet for days - at briefings, at the picture, at news headlines, at the picture, at a Buzzfeed article comparing his butt with Sam’s and Bucky’s (sent in a text attachment by Sam, accompanied only by the peach emoji), and once more at the picture. 

He stares at it till he sees the man’s face behind his eyelids, till he could sketch it on a napkin without looking. And he does, actually, by accident - in the margins of his notes during a security briefing with Fury, he glances down to find his fingers tracing the deep set of the man��s eyes, the dark shadow of his brows. Algorithm or no, he won’t be able to hide forever. 

It’s the algorithm he’s thinking of as he continues to take his notes in the meeting, the sketch staring up at him in stark blue pen; there’s another face he wanted to look for, more than once he’d decide to search the SHIELD records, before changing his mind - just opening his browser and poising his fingers to start the search has him feeling like a damn creep. Like the internet stalker in that show Wanda was obsessed with. His ma raised a gentleman - there’s no way he was gonna be that guy.

The next morning, Sam begs off on their run, and Bucky is mysteriously absent from his room when Steve knocks, so he goes for his run alone. It’s not so bad - he’s got a fancy pair of headphones that Tony made last Christmas, and he loves watching the sunrise over the city. He even turns and crosses the bridge into Brooklyn, making a lap through Prospect Park before looping back towards Manhattan. Not so bad. Good, even. Really, really good. 

He slows down and stretches in front of the tower, propping his legs up on the bench out front and massaging his calves. There’s a little bit of a burn, but it melts at the pressure of his fingers, and the pleasant kind of soreness settles in. The kind he’s enjoyed and lived in since his body became sturdy and strong and decidedly anti-fragile - he’ll never say it out loud, but he still gets a little thrill when he manages to break a bone or dislocate a shoulder, goosebumps of pain shooting down his spine as he pops them back into place with a grunt of satisfaction. 

Hand hovering over the biometric scanner, he’s about to go back inside, take the elevator up to his room and hit the showers, when he sees someone at the crosswalk just a block down. 

Pink hoodie - huge, practically a dress - with a denim jacket tugged over it, bare legs trailing down into white combat boots, a backpack slung over one shoulder. She spares little more than a glance at the cars along the street before striding forward, nose turned up and arms crossed in a way that’s so New York it makes him do a double take. That early morning pout, tired eyes, like she’s not totally awake yet. Her steps firm and determined in those heavy boots, she makes a beeline for the green siren across the street, never once glancing his direction. 

It’s the first glimpse he’s had of her in a month. 

Not for lack of trying, but have you seen his schedule? He’s barely been stateside at all for nearly 3 weeks. Not to mention that one of Tony’s interns is always eager to volunteer for a coffee run, and he’s not sure what he would say, a good reason for him to insist to go by himself. 

With a glance at his phone - not due for a meeting for 3 more hours - he takes a deep breath and marches down the street, hands in his pockets, shoulders tucked. Less threatening to the passersby, who notice him, but say nothing. They’re in his neighborhood after all. 

A bell chimes above the door when he walks in, and the same “Welcome to Starbucks!” greets him, but he’s only half-listening as he scans the cafe. She’s at the register, chatting with the barista there who hands her a steaming white mug. 

“Ugh, thanks Chase, you’re a lifesaver,” she sighs, taking a sip. 

“Hey, it’s all part of the job,” the barista jokes back, adjusting the cap on his head. He’s noticed Steve hovering 3 feet back, waiting his turn, and his eyes switch between Steve and the girl in front of him rapidly. 

Their conversation ends, and the girl - the agent - takes her coffee to sit at a small table by herself, close to the windows, far enough back in a corner that she has a view of the whole cafe. Which she scans now as she sits, noting the two regulars in the opposite corner enjoying their customary flat whites, and…Captain America.

Interesting. 

She waits - he knows she’s waiting when he approaches the table, and she pretends not to know that he’s walking directly towards her, nose still tucked down towards her book, one hand poised at the handle of her coffee mug. 

He clears his throat. 

“Good morning,” she smiles when she looks up, the light from the window back-lighting her eyes, and the glow stuns him. “Haven’t seen you around for a while.”

“Haven’t been around,” he shrugs. Are his cheeks hot? He gestures towards the chair across from her. “You mind if I sit?”

“Not at all,” she shakes her head. He slides into the seat and she replaces her bookmark, setting the book aside. Valley of the Dolls. He’s not familiar. 

“Here for your morning Cappuccino?” She quirks her eyebrows as her smile stretches, just shy of goofy. Quite proud of herself. 

“Ha ha. Never been a big fan.”

“No?”

He shakes his head. “First thing in the morning? I like a dark roast. Something to really wake you up, you know?”

“Hm,” she muses. “Sure, I understand.” 

“What about you?” 

“Me?” 

“Your coffee, I mean. You, uh…like coffee?” Smooth, Rogers.

“Oh, yeah. Love coffee.” There’s a laugh behind her smile, and he wishes she wouldn’t hold it back. “Here lately, I’ve had a thing for tall blondes.”

The flush on his cheeks inches down his neck.

“Huh?”

“Tall blonde Americano to be specific - you should try the blonde espresso, it’s really good.” She takes a sip of hers, hiding her dimple behind the mug. “And I always add an extra shot. I like ‘em strong.” 

God, even his ears are red, he knows it. The hell did he think he was gonna do when he came in here anyway, sweep her off her feet? He’s never been that good with dames, not even-

“I’m only joking-” she cracks up a little, giggling. “Sorry, the opportunity was too good, I just couldn’t resist.”

He sighs in relief, offers an embarrassed smile, and manages to relax a little in his chair. 

“So…why are you here? Really?” she lifts an eyebrow, leaning one elbow on the table. 

“Well…” and here it is, here goes nothing. “I thought - that is, I wondered, um, if you…might want to…get to know each other a little better.” Ouch. Thank God Bucky is nowhere near here. 

“Get to know each other?” 

“Yeah. Just, I mean, as friends.” 

“Huh.” 

Steve’s smile is sheepish, but it’s the one that always worked on his mother, and it seems to work on her. He can see the suspicion melt from her eyes, the interested quirk of her mouth as her fingers tap against the table. 

“I’m flattered and all, really, but you should know that virtually everything you could want to ask me about…my past, my qualifications, my education, my current assignment-” she lifts her hands in a helpless gesture. “It’s all classified. Probably above even your clearance.” 

“Classified?”

“There’s a reason why we never met, Captain.” He takes comfort in the fact that her smile is a little rueful. 

“Oh.” He sits back in his chair, a thoughtful frown on his lips. Looks out the window at passing traffic as he thinks. 

“Alright, then - how about a recommendation?” he turns back to her, eyes lit with curious confidence that catches her off guard. 

“A recommendation?” she repeats, bemused. 

“Coffee,” he grins, like it’s obvious, a wry quirk to his brows. 

“Coffee,” she echoes again, chewing her lip as she returns his smile. 

“Yeah - I always get the same thing,” he shrugs, eyes dancing. “Figured maybe I should branch out.”

Something she can tell him. Something they can share. 

A quick glance at her watch - 20 minutes before she has to clock in. 

“Alright then.” She stands from her seat, cracking her knuckles. “You wait here - I’m gonna pop behind the bar and make you something.”

He watches as she crosses the cafe, rounds the bar and gets to work whipping up…something. The steamer hisses as the milk is foamed, espresso grinding, and he can see her reach for some kind of syrup to pump into the cup. It only takes a minute or so before she’s done, returning with the cup presented triumphantly to him. The name “Cap” is scrawled on the front of the cup. 

“What is it?” 

“Just taste it first.”

The burst of caramel sweetness on his tongue nearly makes him gag - it’s a lot, whatever this drink is. It’s practically a dessert. Not bad, but he’s not sure how anyone could drink this in the morning. When he says so, she laughs out loud, head tipping back and mouth wide open. 

“I make those for 41 all the time,” she grins. “It’s not an official menu drink - I invented it for her.”

“Yeah I can see this being her drink.” 

“Oh, and when you go back to the tower, will you take her these?” She hands him a pastry bag. “I know they’re her favorite, and we had some that were about to expire.

He glances in the bag - two cookie dough cake pops and one birthday cake.

“I guess it’s not just Clint that spoils her, huh?” 

Across the table, she just smiles and shrugs. 

“I’m just here to make coffee.”

He takes another sip of the sugary concoction. 

“Sure.” 

[here4theheartbreak]

Birthday Surprise (YoonMin)

AO3 Link Here!

Relationships: Yoongi x Jimin

Genre(s): Smut

Rating: Explicit

Tags: smut, PWP, canon compliant, dirty talk, bottom!Jimin, top!Yoongi, rough sex, bareback, under-negotiated kink, vibrators, cock warming, spanking, Jimin’s a brat

Summary: Jimin decides to surprise Yoongi for his birthday, but gives Yoongi more than they bargained for.

Word Count: ~2.7k

A/N: Written for Yoongi’s birthday 2020. Hope everyone enjoys!

Yoongi shuffled over to his door and opened it a crack at the sound of someone knocking. Jimin stood in the doorway, a small wrapped box in his hands. “Happy birthday, hyung.” He held out the box. “I know you’re working, I don’t want to be a bother.”

“You never bother me, Jimin. Come in for a few minutes?”

Jimin grinned, nodding. Yoongi opened the door wider, allowing him entrance before shutting it once more. As soon as the lock clicked, Jimin pressed himself against Yoongi, kissing him. Yoongi sighed contentedly. Jimin was truly his constant. No matter how busy he got working or how up in his head he got worrying, Jimin was there to drag him back to earth with a simple smile, a kiss, or some gentle affection. He wrapped his arms around Jimin’s shoulders, slowly deepening the kiss. His hands slid over Jimin’s muscular back and down, sliding into the back of his sweatpants to give his ass a firm squeeze.

Jimin pulled back, and Yoongi whined softly, opening his eyes. “Tease,” he complained.

“I am not. You just need to open your present.” Jimin held out the box again.

Yoongi chuckled. He sat back down in his chair, tearing open the shining paper. Inside was a simple white box. He opened the lid and smiled softly. The bracelet was simple and inobtrusive, just a gold and silver band, twisted together in alternating colors. It was perfect for his style.

“It’s beautiful, Jimin. Thank you.” Yoongi took it out, examining the metalwork a moment before putting it on his wrist. He reached out for Jimin, pulling him into his lap and pressing a kiss to his mouth. “You always buy the perfect gifts for people.”

“It’s a gift,” Jimin joked. “But that wasn’t your only gift.”

“Hm, you spoil me,” Yoongi said, chuckling. “What else is there?”

Jimin stripped out of his hoodie and dropped it on the floor, nudging it under Yoongi’s desk.

“A strip tease?”

“Nooo,” Jimin sing-songed. He grabbed Yoongi’s phone and unlocked it (the only member Yoongi had ever given permission to do so) and pulled up a nondescript app. Yoongi’s heart began to race as soon as he saw it.

“You’re not…”

“I am,” Jimin whispered. The app was the remote control to a small vibrator that the two had bought on a whim a few months back. Though they were often too busy to really spend the time they wanted being intimate, the use of this worked wonders for teasing and promises of more later on. Yoongi couldn’t count the number of interviews, both at home and abroad, that Jimin had been wearing the toy, squirming and doing all he could to remain straight faced while Yoongi teased the intensity of the vibration up or down with his phone.

“Well now, that seems more of a gift for you,” Yoongi teased, but still thumbed the vibration on and upped it just to watch Jimin squirm on his lap.

“Hm, that part, maybe. But I know you’re so busy right now… I wanted to help you out… Relieve some stress…” He sank onto his hoodie on the floor and slid his palms over Yoongi’s thighs. “Keep you… Warm,” he breathed, grabbing Yoongi’s jeans and beginning to undo them. Yoongi’s eyes fluttered shut and his nostrils flared. Jimin knew every single button he had, and just how to push them. And cock warming… That was a giant green button that they rarely got a chance to push. Usually he was working with the other rappers or producers, or if he was alone, Jimin was too busy to join him.

“Please—” The word slipped from his lips before he could stop himself.

“You don’t need to beg, baby. You’re always so busy. I’m happy to help. And I cleared my schedule for the night.” Jimin tugged at Yoongi’s jeans as he spoke, making Yoongi shift his hips up to get them down. He moved forward and pulled his cock from the hole in his boxers.

“Which means you can keep me… All night long,” Jimin whispered. He pressed a gentle kiss to Yoongi’s tip, rolling his eyes up to look at him.

“Fuck,” Yoongi stroked his fingers through Jimin’s hair. “You’re perfect.”

Jimin grinned broadly at that, and gave his cock a little stroke.

“Shh.. Don’t—” Yoongi grabbed his wrist. “If I get too hard I’m going to need to come. You be my little cockwarmer for a few hours while I work, okay? Don’t make me hard… Just keep it warm. I’ll tell you when to do more.”

Jimin nodded. “Yes, Sir.”

Yoongi shuddered at that. He let Jimin settle under the desk and rolled his chair in, getting comfortable in his spot before patting his lap. Jimin’s mouth was teasingly warm and wet. His cock twitched against Jimin’s tongue, and he chuckled when Jimin huffed a breath of warm air onto his groin. Yoongi placed is phone on the desk beside his keyboard, and dialed up the vibration just a hair. He felt Jimin shift.

“You can’t come until I do, Minie,” he said casually as he woke up his computer and put his headphones on to work once more.

Jimin was wildly distracting. Yoongi knew he didn’t mean to be, he really was trying his hardest to behave. But the soft puffs of air across Yoongi’s groin, the way his tongue shifted when he swallowed, even the slightly warmer, damp pooling of spit behind his closed lips – it was killing Yoongi. Every fifteen or twenty minutes, he shifted the vibrations, giving himself a jolt of arousal when Jimin suddenly shifted. He remained soft – mostly – but he’d managed only a few seconds of the track he was working on in over half an hour. After an hour (and only forty-five seconds of the track complete), Yoongi gave up. He closed out of his program and took his headphones off. He was just about to tell Jimin to get him hard when the dastardliest plan occurred. He reached down, stroking his fingers through Jimin’s hair comfortingly.

As he did, he pulled up an internet browser and flipped to V Live. He loaded up a livestream, watching the numbers slowly increase before waving at the camera and offering a lazy smile.

“Hey everyone.”

Under the desk, Jimin tried to pull off his cock, but Yoongi gripped his hair, holding him still. He patted his head softly. “Figured I’d come on, say hi. Since it’s my birthday.” He sat quietly for a moment, reading over the comments. As he did, he touched his phone, twisting the dial for Jimin’s vibrator up a little. Jimin swallowed against his cock and Yoongi’s eyes fluttered before he could help himself.

“Uh, yeah—Yeah it’s… It’s been a good day. Just been working on some new music.” He huffed a soft laugh, still stroking his fingers through Jimin’s hair absently. “What songs? Good ones. I can’t say. How does everyone like the new album?”

He leaned forward, squinting at the screen. Jimin shifted and Yoongi’s fingers tightened in his hair for a moment. When Jimin hesitated, he swallowed.

“Yeah, I’m glad. You guys really went all out. The support’s been great. Honestly, I—” The words died in Yoongi’s throat when Jimin shifted again and sucked firmly at his cock. He began to thicken almost immediately against Jimin’s tongue, and his eyes fluttered. “I—” He cleared his throat and tried to smile and refocus his attention. “It’s been a long day, clearly. I know the members are all wanting to have a small celebration for me but I t—” He wet his lips, struggling to keep his face neutral when Jimin bobbed his head. “Told them not to.” He turned the vibration up further, and Jimin made a small huffing noise that had Yoongi’s heart clenching. He scanned the comments, terrified someone had heard it. When all seemed safe, he tapped Jimin’s cheek warningly before clearing his throat and leaning forward, trying to read the rapidly scrolling comments. He repeated a few questions and statements, giving vague answers as needed. It wasn’t that he wanted to be vague. But Jimin had begun to bob his head in earnest now, making Yoongi’s cock thicken fully and a tight knot of need twist in his stomach. Cutting the chat too short would look even more suspicious, and as it was, some fans were worrying about how tired or ‘out of it’ he sounded.

“I think Namjoonie is going to go on V Live after promotions, do his album breakdown like he always does. He’s so much better at discussing it than I am, you should all look forward to that,” he stuttered, trying to sound at least semi-coherent.

Yoongi tugged Jimin’s hair as well as he could without drawing attention, a subtle warning that Jimin – as per his usual bratty self – decided not to heed. Instead he whined again, a little more audibly, and sucked Yoongi’s cock harder.

Yoongi swallowed down the panic that rose in his throat when a few fans in the chat asked if he had Yeontan or Holly with him. He cleared his throat and stretched both arms back, taking the movement to turn Jimin’s vibrator off completely as he did.

“Well, I would love to chat longer, I know it’s only been a bit, but I should get working. Lots to do,” he offered a bright smile. “I’ll try to get back on soon though. I know the members will probably post stuff for my birthday on Twitter, that is always an adventure – seeing what they deem good to upload.” Yoongi shook his head and chuckled before waving and offering what he hoped was a sincere smile. He clicked the chat off and slid back.

Jimin let him go and grinned up at him from under the desk. “You didn’t tell me you were going to talk to fans.”

“You didn’t tell me you were going to be a disobedient little punk.” Yoongi grabbed Jimin’s hair, yanking to drag him out from under the desk, Jimin hissed and moaned softly, obeying. Yoongi rose, going nose to nose with him. He kissed him hard and turned him, shoving so he had to place his hands on the desk to keep himself upright. “Stay.”

He grabbed a small bottle of lube from his desk and yanked Jimin’s pants down, palming his ass before slapping it.

Jimin’s cheeks flushed a beautiful shade of red when he looked at the computer and noticed that V Live – though not livestreaming, was still pulled up. He met Yoongi’s gaze in the video’s reflection. Yoongi smirked.

“You want to be disobedient, you can be. All it would take is one wrong movement. A single button press… And thousands of fans would see this. See you bent over the desk about to take my cock up your ass. Imagine all the screen shots. The scandal it would cause.” Yoongi slapped his ass again and Jimin whined.

“Please—”

“What?”

“Fuck me.”

Yoongi smirked. He leaned over Jimin, pressing his cock between his pert cheeks. “Louder.”

“Fuck me,” Jimin growled.

“I said louder, Minie. Not sassier.” Yoongi slapped his ass again. Jimin hissed.

“Fuck me!” He snarled, looking back at Yoongi.

Yoongi smirked. He smacked his ass harder this time, watching the way it jiggled and reddened. “You’d like that. You were being such a disobedient little shit while I was talking to our fans. And on my birthday. So rude.” He spread Jimin’s ass as he spoke, thumbing over the vibrator edge. Without warning, he grabbed and yanked. Jimin went forward, swearing. He bucked his hips back toward Yoongi.

“You’d like it, wouldn’t you?” Yoongi asked. He set the toy aside and opened the lube, drizzling the cold gel so it ran down Jimin’s ass.

“What?” Jimin panted, shuddering. Goosebumps rose on his skin, and Yoongi couldn’t help but squeeze his ass once more, dragging a whine from him.

“If the site glitched. If we went live, just like this. I heard you talking to Taehyung. How nice it would be if you could come out, be open. That would certainly make a splash. And you’re such a kinky little brat… You’d love thousands to see your pretty face moaning for me, wouldn’t you?”

Jimin didn’t answer right away. Yoongi, pushed some of the lube over his hole, sliding a finger in easily and tugging at his rim. “Wouldn’t you?” He repeated.

“Yes,” Jimin huffed. “Thought so.” Yoongi slicked his own cock before driving his cock deep. He wrapped an arm around Jimin’s middle and pressed against his back, savoring not only the slick, tight heat of his ass, but also the way his entire body tensed and relaxed, and the low vibration of a groan that could be felt through his spine as he moaned happily.

Yoongi began to move right away, not wanting to draw out either of their agony any more than necessary. His thrusts were deep and powerful, jarring the computer and trinkets on his table. Jimin moaned and whined freely, and Yoongi was glad for the soundproofing in his studio. He pressed kisses to the back of Jimin’s sweat slicked neck, his hair tickling his nose as he did so. His free hand slid up, covering Jimin’s. Almost by instinct, their fingers tangled against the desk and Jimin pleaded his name.

Yoongi slid the hand arm around Jimin’s waist down, wrapping his hand around his stiff cock. He thumbed the precome slick tip, gasping when Jimin clenched around him. He began to stroke Jimin in time with his thrusts, his teeth finding Jimin’s pulse point and clamping down.

After being together this long, they could get one another to orgasm in mere minutes, or have it take an hour or two. Right now, the knot of desperation and the burning ache in Yoongi’s stomach was leading him to the minute mark. He needed to come, to make Jimin come, to hear him cry out and that delicious clench of his body.

Jimin began to snap his hips back, his desperate moans rising in intensity. He reached his free hand back, his short nails biting into Yoongi’s shoulder.

“Please,” he begged, nuzzling his head as well as he could against Yoongi’s cheek. “Please come in me, hyung.”

Yoongi’s teeth dug deeper into Jimin’s shoulder, a desperate growl slipping from his own throat. He braced himself a little better, beginning to thrust harder and faster into Jimin’s pliant body. He was so close. Just a bit more and he’d be there. He began to stroke Jimin faster, his wrist twisting at the tip each time.

Jimin’s body went rigid under him. He clenched impossibly tight, dropping his head onto the desk as he shouted Yoongi’s name. His cock throbbed in Yoongi’s grip, spilling ropes of come onto the floor.

The fluttering, clenching of Jimin’s ass and the almost painful grip of his rim dragged Yoongi over the edge. He drove deep and came with a grunt and a whisper of Jimin’s name, letting Jimin’s body milk him of every drop he could offer.

When he felt he could move again, Yoongi dragged the chair closer with his foot, slumping into it. He dragged Jimin with him, nosing and kissing at his neck. Jimin giggled tiredly, nuzzling against him.

“Happy birthday, Yoongi-hyung.”

Yoongi huffed a laugh. “You are insufferable, Jimin.”

“You love me.”

“Hm. Yeah, I do.” He kissed Jimin’s mouth. “I can’t believe you sucked my cock in front of that many people.”

“That was not the plan. I was really just going to be a warmer but… You went live and I couldn’t resist.”

“Well, it was fun.” He kissed Jimin again. “I do really have to get some work done though.”

“Can I nap on your couch?”

Yoongi nodded.

“After we can go to dinner? Just us?”

“I’d like that.” Jimin grinned and rose. He fixed his pants and grabbed tissues, cleaning the mess on the floor before grabbing his hoodie and hurrying over to the couch. He curled up on it, using his hoodie as a pillow. Yoongi fixed his own pants and looked over at his boyfriend, smiling softly. He rose and padded over to the couch curling up behind Jimin and wrapping an arm around his middle. Work could wait a few hours. This was a far better way to spend his birthday.

[cirilee]

i just found a text my browser had saved on a word count website, and i apparently typed it last november while being sad - i just wanna have a place to post it, and it explains why i was gone for most of may through november last year.

if you’re interested, u can read, it’s basically just a long long long vent and i wanna save it somewhere :’)

(and if you wanna, you can tell me what u think of the whole thing, maybe share if something like that happened to you too, because man, this whole thing was WEIRD for me)

bottom line is: i’m much better now and have way better friends then back then and in general, i’m a pretty happy person again^^

My parents and me had been fighting a lot the past years. I still love them. For a while though, it was just shouting matches between us. We weren't really speaking to each other throughout january 2019 until april 2019, so i wasn't informed by them that they were planning to mOVE OUT. And the place they wanted to move to only had enough space for 2 people. now my brother and me had 3 months total to find and finance our own flats. i was desperate. 2 months i unsuccessfully searched for a job or a flat or a way to make a deposit for said flat, without any saved up money. an old school friend offered to move out together. i only saw him once every month for group activities. he was nice, but we also had a bit of a history. 3 years ago he had acted kinda scummy and tried to get me to be his girlfriend because "he couldnt find anybody else” - ending in a "movie night with friends" that turned out to be a trap, where the only one spending the night was me because he only invited me. creepy. he apologized and i forgave him and we were chill and it was normal between us. i realize now, that i should have just left him out of my life at that point. but time was running out, so i gave in and asked myself "whats the worst he could do. i’ve known this person for 12 years and the he's part of my friend group" we set up basic rules, how we would pay for stuff, etc. .. we moved in. it seemed fine. then i noticed that he talked A LOT. and he wanted A LOT of attention. after a day of working on my diploma or working at my job, he would assert himself in my room and try to engage in smalltalk. i am not the hermit type. i engaged with him, i joined in on his conversation. but when i was already tired he wouldn't accept "i'm gonna go to sleep". there was always something else he needed to talk about. I was trying to make clear to him that i needed alone time too, but no matter how honest i was, the message either didn't seem to stick, or he'd get upset and start asking me if i hated him. With that, i could have kept up with in the long run. Then he started knocking on my door. even when it was already late and i already told him i was gonna go to sleep. Repeatedly knocking on my door. At some point he just opened the door. It was 1am. I pretended to sleep. I could hear him breathing, it sounded angry. He eventually closed the door. The next morning i confronted him. He argued it away as him trying to warn me that he was going to take a shower, so that i wouldn't use the bathroom. He started commenting on how i wasn't funny enough around him. in that friend group, i'm the funny one :c. but i cant keep up that energy 24/7 (this was supposed to be a home, not a free neverending standup act, for this one guy). that confused him. the next day he asked me if i had depression. My parents had given me a griller/toaster as a parting gift (there’s a backstory for that too but anyways) my flatmate ALSO had that same toaster. He demanded we make up our minds which one to keep. i didn't understand why this was important to him and i hated discussing this useless topic with him so i stored the toaster in my room. He repeatedly suggested i throw mine away (?). One evening i got hungry and decided i'd make myself a toast in my room. So i made some toast. Suddenly he bursts in. And he starts ranting. "why are you doing this are you CRAZY you cant TOAST in your own room thats DANGEROUS you're gonna start a fire, don't ever do that again, we have a KITCHEN for that. why don't you want to use the kitchen you cant just HIDE from me every day, this is OUR flat  and i want us to live TOGETHER!" He didn't stop talking and it overwhelmed me, so (this is embarrassing, but) i actually started crying and i turned away from him so i could try to control myself. and he just started babytalking me "awww its alright i didn't mean to scare you, but you see, you shouldn't have done that". he tried putting his arms around me, i told him to stop. "you need a hug right now" ...... i was so angry i think my brain might have short circuited because the next hour was me just acting the whole way through. i told him everything he wanted to hear. i was so sorry for almost burning the house down and made up some explanation that my parents were still making me sad, so i needed distance. The next big thing involved one of my best friends. she wanted to spontaneously go out for an evening. so i put on some pants and of course: HE appears in my room, asking where i'm going. i was surprised by the question and just answered "going out with Lina" he left it at that. then suddenly: "can i come too?" He threw me off with that question. Lina had said she needed some advice on personal stuff, so I said "no" because i didn't have a better answer. he got ANGRY. i explained. "Lina wants some privacy, i'm sorry" He starts arguing that Lina is just as much his best friend, and that he should be allowed to hear what she wants to say to me. Before i can reply he slams his door shut. "Don't even try to explain yourself", he says. I told my friend while meeting up with her and she began with the sympathetic "you should have said yes" and we argued about it and then she came out with this absolutely horrifying sentence: "you know how he is. you cant be *too* honest with him. he's sensitive. you need to lie to him so he doesn't get mad" it was as if i'd been splashed with cold water. i said i didn't agree with that. that that was actually unfair to HIM. nobody likes being lied to and treated less than. she called him, told him i was gonna apologize and he showed up with the angriest expression i ever saw in his face. he accused me of being depressed and that he now has the burden of my mental issues to bear. This he assumed because one night i told him about me dissassociating sometimes a few years ago. Then he wanted me to promise i would never leave him, because he's afraid i won't be able to pay my part of the rent. the crowning moment was my friend Lina mostly agreeing with him and both of them berating me for not having my life together because i still hadn't managed to find an open-ended contract job, only limited-time jobs. at the end he justified himself by saying he cant stand my parents phoning me. (at that point they had started calling me everyday and showed genuine concern ... i was trying to reform a bond with them) - apparently he resented that. he knew about my parents disciplining me with face slaps as a kid (when i was 9-11 yrs old) (they feel bad about it, and they they stopped doing it fairly early) in that moment my flatmate chose to tell me ..... (hoo boy i need to get ready to type this) .... "i'm concerned about you. if your father would ever beat you, i would beat him  to a bloody pulp" then he repeated "i would beat him/kill him" a few times, VERY agitatedly. it was scary and at that point i was numb. i didn't really respond, i just said "its fine" or something to that extent. the  thing that made me decide to move out (although certainly among many that followed that night) was this: one morning i informed him i was going to visit my parents that weekend. we had started talking again (as i mentioned before and i wanted to meet them without fighting for once). he says "but you're coming back, right". i say "of course don't be so nervous". i go to work. i get a LOT OF texts from him suddenly. i skim through it. he's mad about me calling him "nervous". i don't reply/read bc i am at work. Then he actually CALLS me. i don't pick up.  now i'm thinking: What is so  important, that he has to call me during work.  there's a 4 paragraph essay in my inbox. "watch your mouth", "you have no right to speak that way to me", "you should have more respect". he was mad i called him nervous. i responded that i don't have time to reply. he argued back. at one point i said "if i cant even call you nervous then i'm ACTUALLY gonna stay with my parents" he fiNALLY didn't reply to that. after a 10hour day i come home. i wanna shower. i go to my room, close the door and start undressing myself. of course, there's knocking on my door. i say "No" he flips out. i calmly tell him i'm only half dressed. he flips out even more, says i'm a horrible person who WANTS to fight because my "no" wasn't a good enough answer and i should have explained in full detail why he couldn't get in. he was actually SERIOUS. this was his reasoning for flipping out. he goes away. not even a minute passes by and he hammers his fist against my door again. "OPEN UP THIS TIME I *HAVE* TO COME IN" at this point i'm beginning to get kinda scared  so i say "come in" He comes in and says he needs me to disconnect with the wifi because he needs it for his work. i calmly say "ok" and disconnect my wifi. he goes away, leaves the door open. i stand up to go and close my door. HE ACTUALLY GOES AND PULLS AGAINST ME TO TRY TO PRY IT OPEN AGAIN. eventually he lets go and then he flips out FOR REAL. he starts screaming about how i'm a psycho, and that im crazy and awful and he has been nothing but nice and that he "saved" me and i haven't been thankful enough.

.... ..

yes, i was in a difficult position. but that flatmate arrangement was made on even ground. he had wanted to move out from his parents for years. i fled and left. called my parents, but they were miles away and laughed it off. i would have probably too. i called my friends. Lina offered to come and mediate. He continued screaming even with Lina there. It culminated with him roaring at me, pointing at the door saying "if you don't like how i treat you, there's the door, leave right now" with lina replying "don't say that, you NEED her money to pay rent!" it was awful, and an eye-opener. the next day, on the way to work, i decided i was gonna move out. and before i could tell him, i get a message from him (!). An ultimatum. he tells me i have 3 options. 1) leave immediately and take my stuff away within a week. i wouldn't have "pay any more than i've already payed" (it was the first day of that month and i had already payed my rent. nice) 2) stay for half a year, but immediately pay him something so that he knows i'll stay 3) stay indefinitely, but set up a " bevahiour contract" with him, so this "never happens again" i told him i'd take option 1 and then i stayed over at a friends house. then at a friends shared appartement. then at dormitary and soon i'm gonna move in with my younger brother. we've been estranged a bit but grown closer through this whole thing. now Lina and him are still friends and lina blames me for "everyone in our friend group" being mad at him. one of her first concerns, was that her birthday parties are gonna be weird now. i am completely done with her as well and don't want her in my life anymore. according to her, I left him with a rent he cant pay  and i should feel bad for that. except i dont. should i though?

[bltngames]

SAGE 2020: Fan Games

I’d hoped to have this article out a little bit sooner, but I overestimated how long it would take to write about some of these games. Whoops! Like I said when I outlined the posting “schedule” on the first day, we’re playing it fast and loose, so this is just what you get.

Today is the day I talk about fan games! And even though SAGE has “Sonic” right there in the acronym, it’s always hosted fan games from all types, so today we’ve got Mega Man, Mario, Rayman, and even fan games of fan games, if you can believe it.

Sonic Pinball Panic!

Pinball is one of those things where I’ve always been obsessed with it, but never very good at it. And now, with access to digital pinball collections like Pinball Arcade and Pinball FX, I don’t actually find myself playing as much pinball as I thought I would when I was 14 years old. Still, I find myself fascinated by a good pinball table, and this honestly caught me off guard. This could very easily be an official DLC release for one of those aforementioned pinball collections and I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash (in fact, if you ask me, this is better than Pinball FX, which has always had weird ball physics). This looks, sounds, and functions exactly like a real pinball table should. My complaints are minor: for starters, the table feels kind of easy. I’ve never been a pinball wizard, but I was losing balls left and right here and it still took a good 15 minutes before I finally got a game over. Score accumulation is also pretty slow; most pinball tables will dump millions and millions of points on you, but here, it felt like a struggle just to reach the 379k I finished with. Both contribute to the fact that the table feels a little flat, like it’s missing a spark to really put it over the top. And, third, it would be nice if it had controller support. The keyboard works just fine, here (it’s just pinball, after all) but I find that the triggers on a controller feel really good with pinball flippers, and mapping the plunger to the right stick is great, too. This is a Unity game, so I wouldn’t think it’d be that hard to hook it up to the controller mapper. Still, I came away impressed.

Mega Man: Perfect Blue

There are two things out there that always give me pause: fan-made Doom level packs, and Mega Man fan games. Fan made gaming content generally has problems when it comes to difficulty balancing anyway, but these games have earned a certain reputation for their difficulty, which creates a problem when you have content made by fans, for fans. This insularity means these things are usually way too hard for what I would consider “normal” people (read: casual fans and outsiders). Add on to the fact that I’d even say that there are official Mega Man games with bad difficulty balancing, and you have a recipe for frustration. Sadly, this is how I’d characterize Perfect Blue: though this introductory level isn’t impossibly hard, it’s definitely pushing that edge where it’s not very accommodating to someone who hasn’t played and finished every Classic Mega Man game ever made. It almost immediately throws you into scenarios where you have jumps you can barely reach, insta-kill spikes, and enemies that not only actively dodge your shots, but invincible enemies that launch counter attack homing missiles. And then it starts making you juggle all of this stuff, together, at the same time. None of this is insurmountable as long as you’re paying attention, but as a very casual Mega Man fan, it’s an unfriendly first impression and makes me worried about what the rest of the game is going to be like as the challenge naturally ramps up. For those hardcore Mega Man fans among you, the rest of this is solid, at least. The presentation and controls are excellent, and the new sprites are beautiful. It’s a game I’d love to enjoy when it’s done… but I’m assuming I’ll be left out in the cold. A shame, really, because there’s so much promise here.

Sonic and the Mayhem Master

There’s a lot to like about this game, but there’s a part of me that really wonders if this should even be considered a Sonic fan game. Mayhem Master’s depictions of Sonic and Amy Rose are atypical to put it mildly. Here, Sonic seems to be a bookish nerd of sorts, a sidekick to Amy Rose, who has been turned into a burnt out, cigar-smoking detective. Most of the game plays out as half an adventure game, half an RPG, where you roam around the world talking to NPCs and gather clues while being assaulted by random battles. The battle system is super off-the-wall, too, perhaps taking inspirations from games like Mario & Luigi and Undertale. This means that battles aren’t passive -- you spend most of each fight dodging or nullifying incoming attacks with simplistic action-based commands. It’s weird, and different, and occasionally even a little bit overwhelming. That’s kind of the whole game, really. It’s the sort of thing that really doesn’t feel like a Sonic game at all, but it also doesn’t feel bad. The artwork is very charming, I’m interested in seeing the characters develop, and there’s plenty of worldbuilding and mystery. Would this still be as intriguing if you removed the Sonic connection, even if it’s so threadbare? That’s a hard question to answer. I know that some of my interest in this game is seeing how it spins more familiar Sonic elements into something that’s completely different. Worth checking out, for curiosity’s sake if nothing else.

Sonic and the Dreamcatcher

This is a fairly brilliant little game with two unfortunate quirks. If you didn’t know, the special stages in the original Sonic the Hedgehog were inspired by an arcade game of the era called Cameltry, published by Taito in 1989. Now, Sonic’s special stages were different enough from Cameltry that it wasn’t a case of Sega outright stealing the gameplay, but there’s a clear lineage there, and it only becomes clearer when you compare the special stages in Sonic 4 Episode 1 to Cameltry (spoilers: in that game, they’re nearly identical). Dreamcatcher is also from this lineage, but is infinitely more charming than either Sonic 4 and maybe even Cameltry itself. The idea is that you must collect a specific number of blue spheres in order to reveal the Chaos Emerald, after which you have a limited amount of time to find and collect it. It’s very simple, but the presentation really sells the game’s charm. It’s just a game that looks good and sounds good, with an interesting premise executed very well. Also, you get a dedicated “& Knuckles” button to spawn infinite Knuckles to help you collect blue spheres and bash enemies. Being able to have unlimited numbers of these guys sounds like it would break the game, but once that countdown clock begins, the last thing you need is 20+ echidnas clogging up the route back to the emerald. The first quirk this game suffers from is that there’s only two levels. Parts of this have a very “game jam made in a weekend” vibe to it despite the rock-solid music, sound, and gameplay, and only having two levels contributes to that. Hopefully more are coming in the future. The other quirk? You can’t actually download this game -- it’s embedded in a webpage. I’m sure this is to make it easy to play on any platform with a web browser (phones, PCs, etc.) but I find myself greatly desiring a hard copy of this game that can live on my computer forever.

Sonic Galactic

Now here’s just a good old fashioned Sonic fan game. Though it clearly takes inspiration from Sonic Mania’s aesthetics in some places, it’s clearly doing its own thing, featuring not just the core cast of Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles, but also Fang the Sniper, and even a brand new character named Tunnel the Mole. Unlike a lot of Sonic fan games at SAGE, this appears to be using something besides Clickteam Fusion, Game Maker, or Unity. Here, it’s the “Hatch Game Engine,” whatever that is. Whatever the case may be, the game runs very well and is basically indistinguishable from just playing Sonic Mania. Visuals are sharp, music’s good, the two included boss fights are surprisingly fun to fight -- everything seems to be in order. As a result, there’s not really a lot to say. This is just a good, fun game. Anything else I’d say would come off sounding like nitpicks. For example, there’s no way to set graphics options yet, so the game is stuck in 2x Windowed mode. Fang and Tunnel are cute additions, but I wonder how much utility they have as characters. Unless I missed something, Fang’s pop gun is mainly for a weak double-jump ability, and Tunnel’s ability to dig and ricochet off floors, walls and ceilings is cool, but it doesn’t have quite the universal utility of Tails’ flight or Knuckles climbing and gliding. It’ll be interesting to see how or maybe even if their abilities have a chance to grow into something special. Anyway, like I said, those are nitpicks, so try to give this a shot if you can.

Sonic Robo-Blast!

Remasters seem to be a bit of a theme this SAGE, between Sonic Triple Trouble 16-bit, Sonic 2 SMS, Sonic 1 Revisited, but this is perhaps the most surprising of them all: a loving remaster of the original Sonic Robo-Blast. SRB1 was perhaps one of the first true “landmark” fan games, given that it was basically a whole entire game that people could play. It's not a stretch to say that SRB1 probably helped kickstart the fan gaming community that still survives to this day -- I certainly owe my involvement in the community to seeing SRB1 for the first time. The problem is, as historically significant as the game might be, it’s nearly impossible to go back to nowadays -- it’s much, much too dated to be any fun. This remaster completely re-envisions SRB1 as a regular Sonic game, while also pulling in gameplay elements from Sonic Robo-Blast 2. It’s a bit of a time paradox mindwarp, but it helps give it a bit more personality than just making a bog-standard 2D Sonic. It works, aided by the fact the sprites, music and overall presentation are fantastic. The only downside is the Act 2 boss, which commits the cardinal sin of taking away player agency and making you wait around far too much. Here’s hoping this gets finished, because it’s definitely on my radar now.

Super Mario Flashback

This has been floating around for a few years now and I’m glad to see it’s finally starting to get some more substantial content as it moves towards becoming an actual game. That being said, this is also one of those games that’s kind of hard to talk about because it’s just… really polished. The art is incredible, it controls exactly like a Mario game, and there’s already a decent mixture of ideas at play in the demo. Anything else I’d say would sound like nitpicking -- like, for example, the backseat game designer in me wonders if maybe the game is prioritizing aesthetics a little too much. This is a wonderfully animated game, absolutely gorgeous, but some actions, like the butt-stomp and the wall kick, feel a bit sluggish, and I think it’s because they show off fancy animations. Even if it’s a split second, waiting for Mario to attach to a wall to kick off of it feels slow. Really, though, that’s an insignificant complaint. This demo is still well worth checking out.

Sonic Advance 4 Advanced

This game seems like a greatest-hits of Dimps best ideas, spanning the first Sonic Advance all the way to Sonic Rush. There’s just one problem: the game seems broken. Now, my desktop PC is starting to show its age. I built it four and a half years ago, and though it can handle game like Gears of War 5 on high settings at 60fps, slowly, newer games seem to be leaving it behind. That being said, I don’t think a game like Sonic Advance 4 here should be running at what appears to be half its intended speed. It also originally launched in a teeny-tiny window (we’re talking, like, smaller than a postage stamp) and even though the options menu has a toggle for full screen mode, it doesn’t want to work. Something about this game under the hood seems to be struggling very, very, VERY hard. It’s a shame, because if this actually played at the proper speed, it seems like it might actually be an alright game, if a bit complex and busy.

Sonic 2 SMS Remake

Here’s a game I was all buckled in expecting to enjoy. Like it says on the tin, this is a remake of Sonic 2 for the Master System (and Game Gear), but with wide screen visuals and huge expansions to the mechanics, roster of playable characters, and levels. On the outside it seems really impressive, and to a certain degree it is, but something about the controls feel a little off. Sonic’s heavier here than he is on the Master System, perhaps to simulate “real” Sonic physics a little more accurately, but you can also pretty much stop on a dime, and the combination of the two feels awkward. The camera also needs a lot of work, as it’s basic at best and does a poor job of letting you see what’s below (to the dev if you’re reading this: there’s actually video tutorials out there on how 2D scrolling cameras work, it might be worth looking a couple of them up). It also leans into some of the tech limitations of the Master System, like how you aren’t given any rings for boss fights (and even hiding the HUD, a move done to save on resources for the large enemy sprites). I could be picky on a bunch of other little stuff, too, like how the flight mechanics feel, but there are other games to play at SAGE and I’ve got at least two more articles to write. Needless to say, this is a solid (impressive, even) foundation but it’s missing a lot of late-stage polish to clean up the tiny little rough edges.

Rayman Redemption

I tell this story every so often, but it was about three quarters of the way through Rayman 2 on the Sega Dreamcast when it struck me, suddenly: I love this game. I was being chased by a pirate ship through some rickety bridges and even though I was dying over and over and over again, I realized I had been enjoying Rayman 2 enough that I might put it in my top ten Dreamcast games. But that was 2002, and the years haven’t been so kind to ol’ Rayman. From the strangely celebrity-infused Rayman 3, to the tragedy of Rayman 4 (eventually becoming Raving Rabbids) to the endless, careless ports of Rayman 2 to every platform under the sun, one gets the impression Ubisoft maybe didn’t know what to do with Rayman. Especially now, when most of Ubisoft’s games are some form of online live service or cookie cutter open world experience (or increasingly both). But the fans know what they want. Rayman Redemption takes the original 1995 Rayman game and lovingly gives it a fresh coat of paint. The results are akin to what Taxman and Stealth did for Sonic CD in 2011, with wide screen visuals, improved controls, touched up level design, but gameplay that still feels faithful and accurate to the original experience. Except that Sega charged money for that, and here, fans have released this for free. Ubisoft’s loss, I guess. I didn’t play Rayman 1 until well after I’d finished Rayman 2, and I’ll admit, I kind of bounced off of it back then. It felt slow, and awkward, and when the difficulty ramped up, it got very hard, very quickly. Now, admittedly, I’ve only put about 30 minutes into Redemption here, but just the addition of a run button is incredibly welcome, and the retooled level design and powerup mechanics helps the game feel way less obtuse overall. It’s just a cleaner, tighter, more accessible and more polished version of Rayman.

Stay tuned for the next article: Indie games.

[agustdef]

Knuckleheads - Part 1

Pairing: Yoongi x OC [From Here & Now]

Genre: Idol!AU; Some fluff; Angst

Word Count: 12.6k

Warning: Angst. Some Language. Medical emergency. Unhealthy habits. (Not eating. Not sleeping. Just not taking care of one self in favor of working too much.)

Rating: PG15

Banner Marker: @shadowsremedy​

Lovely Beta Reader: @shadowsremedy​

Author’s Note: So, this is part of a two-shot for the Bangtan Scenery ‘April Showers Bring May Flowers’ collab. So this month you get the angst and next month comes the fluff. I promise I won’t just leave people hanging with this ending.

P.S. The creator of this lovely banner is also my posting twin and is giving us some angst with a Jungkook x Reader story here.

Summary: When you refuse to take care of yourself, you’re accepting that the consequences may vary. Or Kendall and Yoongi can’t seem to find a balance within their work and it’s doing more damage than they think.

Kendall's fingers flew across the keyboard, her eyes focused solely on the open document in front of her. She was almost at the end and could feel it or at least that's what she tricked herself into believing. In truth she still had a few more chapters to write, but the end of chapter goal was what kept her going.

Lying to herself was the way to get stuff done.

And after twenty minutes of typing away, the chapter was finished. Kendall then took a short break to drink some water and flex her fingers, but it wasn't long before she was on the next chapter. There were deadlines she needed to meet and getting ahead was her only goal for the day.

Even if that meant she was glued to her chair for twenty-four hours.

Time passed quickly as she wrote, especially since she'd gotten lost into the world she was weaving. Before she knew it, it was midnight and she was writing the final words of her last chapter of the day. She'd breezed through writing two of them and pushed for three more, even though her eyes were begging for a break.

Just as she typed the last word, she heard an aggressive vibration coming from the drawer in her desk. Confused, she opened it up to see her phone squirming around, which made no sense since she'd told everyone to leave her be for the day.

Kendall pulled the phone out of the drawer and flipped it over just as the vibrations stopped. And when she saw the screen her eyes nearly fell out of her head.

There were twelve missed calls from Yoongi.

She'd completely forgotten that they were supposed to have a facetime that night.

He was going to be pissed.

Taking a deep breath, she unlocked the phone and called him back. As she waited and was forced to see the reflection of herself, she realized she'd forgotten to do all her skincare that morning. Her face was beyond dry, but she didn't have time to remedy that because Yoongi was answering her call.

The expression on his face was blank, but she could see the annoyance in his eyes and the way his jaw was rigid.

"Hi Yoon," she said.

Being calm was her best option, because if she tried to play innocent or too sweet, he'd be even more annoyed with her than he was. And she honestly felt bad so that was the last thing she wanted.

A minute went by and he just stared at her, his eyes almost never blinking. It made the silent treatment even more uncomfortable.

Kendall sighed. "I'm sorry, Yoongi. I really am. I've been writing nonstop all day and time just got away from me. I seriously didn't mean to forget. I even set an alarm on my desktop, but it didn't notify me."

Though her words seemed to soften his expression it only lasted for a moment, because then he was leaning closer to his phone with an obvious frown.

"Nonstop? You've been writing nonstop all day?"

Kendall cursed herself for that slip up. Of course, that would make him even more annoyed with her.

Not knowing what else to say she nodded.

Yoongi ran a hand over his face and took a deep breath before his full attention turned back to her. For a moment he still looked miffed, but soon enough his entire expression shifted to one of worry.

"Why?" he asked.

Knowing she'd already ended up on his bad side she took a moment to gather her thoughts. Articulating her reasons clearly would lead to less confusion and annoyance for him if she accidentally said something in a way she didn't mean it.

"You know I'm on deadline for this rewrite and I wanted to knock out as much as possible. And I know, I know it's a bit further away and I have time, but I have all these other things to do that I wanted to get a head start. Give myself time to breathe later on since I know I'm going to have to start that outline for the one duology that Ara and I have been talking about. Plus, I don't want to spend all my time while I'm in Korea writing. So, I didn't think that a goal of ten chapters today would hurt anything," she rambled.

"Ten?" he shouted.

Again, Kendall nodded.

There was a series of sighs that he let out before he spoke again.

"Were you wearing your wrist braces?"

"Yes."

"Did you take Tylenol before you started and then again a few hours later?"

"Yes."

"Did you move around some?"

"Kind of."

Another sigh.

"Did you eat?"

Kendall knew she was screwed, but she wasn't going to lie to him.

"I had a pop tart throughout the day, but nothing else," she said.

If his glare could kill, Kendall would've died the moment he looked at her. And she understood why. It hadn't been her intention not to eat. Not eating was never her intention, but when she was focused on something else and didn't feel any biological urges, she'd forget. Even if she did get hungry it wasn't long before it slipped her mind.

After another stare down he broke again, though that time the anger didn't leave his face; it merely softened a bit.

"My day was a late start so I'm having a late lunch. It's on the way. Order something and we'll eat together. And it better be something filling. I don't care about how late it is; you need to eat."

"I can do that," Kendall said.

Not wanting him to glare at her anymore she sprang into action. Propping the phone against the monitor she went to her browser and looked at the places she had bookmarked. She wasn't craving anything specific, so she went with a Chinese restaurant not too far from her. Quickly her order of chicken with broccoli and vegetable fried rice was placed. She even flipped her camera and raised the phone so he could see her do it.

"It says fifteen minutes," she said once it sent.

He grunted. "Mine should be here around that time too."

Even though he was more at ease because she got her life together he didn't look at her. He'd sat the phone against something, and his eyes were focused on the screen in front of him. Though she wanted a little more interaction with him she couldn't help but enjoy watching him focused on work.

After a few minutes she broke the silence.

"Did you get the samples I sent you?"

Yoongi nodded and said nothing, but then directed his gaze to the camera.

"But you didn't put that one cello piece in there. That and the synth drum track," he said.

Kendall's brows furrowed and she sat the phone back down to focus on her own screen. After going into her email, she saw that it was indeed missing something and huffed.

"I'll send the synth drum and this other thing I meant to give you, but you have to wait on the cello piece. I wanted to redo it. Something sounded off," she muttered.

Despite not looking at her phone she knew he was rolling his eyes at her.

"It sounded great. You're just being a perfectionist," he said.

Kendall scoffed. "Says the man who played me Clair de Lune so flawlessly that I cried and then had the nerve to say it didn't flow well enough."

Yoongi smacked his lips, but Kendall could see a small smile form. No matter how much he pushed it back down it flared up again.

After pressing send Kendall watched him closely and said nothing. Not even when he confirmed he got the tracks did she speak a word. She just watched him with a weird smile on her face.

When Yoongi looked her way, he was taken aback by how focused on him she was, but he didn't mind it one bit.

"What?" he asked.

Without thinking she said, "I love you."

Yoongi rolled his eyes but smiled wide at her words. "I love you too, idiot. You just need to do better at taking care of yourself. This shit isn't healthy."

Kendall nodded and continued to stare at him with love in her eyes. Yoongi stared back with the same intense feeling.

They remained like that until her food arrived, then they spent the rest of the night eating and watching Sailor Moon Crystal together until Kendall fell asleep.

Kendall tried not to be annoyed, she really did, but it just wasn't feasible. And it was beyond clear to Kihyun as he drove her from the airport to Yoongi's apartment.

"I'm sorry. I called him and Namjoon, but got no answer from either of them," he said.

That made Kendall sigh. Not because she was pissy, which she was, but because he'd apologized a million times since picking her up. He apologized more than Jungkook that time he thought he'd deleted the track she was working on. In neither instance was it their fault, but both men seemed insistent on quelling her agitation.

She turned her head and stared at Kihyun; whose eyes remained on the road.

"Ki, we've been over this already. You have nothing to apologize for, so stop it. I'm not mad at you. Hell, I'm not mad at all. Just annoyed. I promise."

Kihyun glanced at her as they came to a stop light. Though he appeared skeptical after a few seconds he nodded, and she watched his body physically relax. In turn she relaxed because she hated making people feel uncomfortable when they had done nothing to warrant her mood. She could save her agitation for later.

After about half an hour and some small talk they arrived at the entrance of the building. Kihyun got out to help her with her bags and after a hi-five she made her way inside. The guard on duty was one she was familiar with and he waved at her, a smile on his face. She returned it before heading into the elevator.

As she stood and watched the floor number change it was easy to settle back into her agitated state. Pulling her phone from her pocket she checked to see if there were any messages from the hour she hadn't looked at it. The only things were from her mom responding to her landing text, some emails, and social media notification. Not one message from any of the boys.

When the doors of the elevator finally parted, she practically stormed out, dragging her luggage behind her. She punched in the code into the keypad and just as she stepped into the apartment, she saw the reason Yoongi wasn't answering. On the small table next to the door sat his phone.

Rolling her eyes Kendall kicked off her shoes and fully entered the apartment, ensuring that the door locked behind her. Since she knew he wasn't home she went about her business. That meant taking her luggage and unpacking it and then going into the kitchen to make her a quick lunch. Which was reheated kimchi stew from the fridge and some rice.

By the time Kendall finished her food a wave of tired coursed through her. She'd slept well on the plane, but that didn't make her completely void of jet lag. Staying up was the goal, but after ten minutes of sitting and fighting sleep she realized a nap wouldn't hurt. It was only three in the afternoon anyway, so it wouldn't mess with her sleep that night.

Before she slept, she checked her phone one last time, but again there was nothing from any of the people she needed messages from. Sighing, she texted the group chat and all the boys separately asking why no one was answering. She didn't bother to try and wait for a response though, merely setting an alarm and passing out on the bed.

Her dreams were filled with normal everyday things, so it was a peaceful sleep. Once she'd woken up her body still felt that linger of tiredness, but it was mostly energized. Which was a miracle for a nap. Though once she tapped the screen of her phone, she realized it was because she'd been knocked out for six hours.

None of her alarms had woken her up.

"Damnit," she groaned.

After throwing a small fit she carefully rose from the bed and stretched out. She wondered if Yoongi had appeared, though since he wasn't in the bed with her or hadn't woken her up, she was sure he hadn't. And after a quick look around the apartment, including his studio, she was proven right.

Checking her phone, she went to every single chat and there was nothing, not even a read message. And she knew they kept those things on so they could drag each other when they didn't get a prompt response. Hell, she knew that half the time Jimin went to the bathroom was to check his phone where he wouldn't get scolded and yet nothing.

Tired of it she finally texted Sejin.

Kendall: Hey, Sejin. Is everyone alive? No one is answering my texts or calls.

She went to put down her phone after that, but there was a notification before she could.

Sejin: Today's just been a bit busy with practice and things. Is there something that you need? Something wrong? Do I need to get Yoongi? I know he accidentally left his phone at home.

All the questions made her laugh. Of course, he'd think something was wrong.

Kendall: Nothings wrong. And I know he left his phone. I saw it when I got in a few hours ago

The three dots came almost instantly and then stopped. It went on like that for a minute solid and Kendall had no clue what he could possibly be typing. Finally, it came in.

Sejin: That was today???

So, Yoongi wasn't the only one who'd forgotten about her. It didn't hurt her feelings any because while it was partially Sejin's job to remember it also wasn't. He wasn't the one who was supposed to come get her. Nor was he the one who left her sitting in the airport for almost two hours.

Kendall: Yes

Again, the dots, but he didn't take as long.

Sejin: I'm so sorry, Kendall. I had it down somewhere and it slipped my mind. How did no one get back to you? Yoongi didn't contact you? That punk. I'll let them no to get back to you. We just finished and everyone should be heading home now.

That didn't really warrant much of a response, so she said ok and thank you before throwing the phone on the couch. Them getting back to her was no longer a worry of hers, so she'd just continue with her evening.

Feeling disgusting she grabbed some stuff and went off to take a shower. The moment the hot water hit her skin was like a cleansing for her mind. Was her annoyance gone? No, but she felt calmer and much more relaxed. Well, at least until she remembered she'd gotten in without a shower cap on and scrambled away from the water. Thankfully, there was one already in there from when she'd been in Korea months before.

Refreshed, she hopped out the shower and got dressed. Settling on some short shorts and a tank top for her sleep attire. And after twisting her hair in large sections in order to put on her bonnet, she snagged one of Yoongi's hoodies to walk around in.

Hunger struck her again, so she found her phone and ordered from a place that had pho. It would take some time to get there and she was set on ignoring the messages from the boys that sat in her inbox. So, she went about straightening and cleaning things. She'd done the kitchen and the living room by the time she was notified the food was there. Slipping on her shoes she went down to get it, once back in the apartment she practically inhaled it.

She watched some random show while she ate, but once she was done the urge to be productive hit her. Grabbing her laptop from the bedroom she planned to work from the couch, but then her eyes drifted towards the hall where the studio was. Being fully immersed in her work sounded better to her, and she'd wanted to work on a track, so it made sense.

Kendall grabbed some water and a pop tart before heading into the studio.

It only took her a minute to set everything up. Even booting the computer up under her log in. Everything was just like she wanted it, thankfully. Sometimes when Yoongi typed in his password wrong too many times he used her log in and ended up altering how she liked to set up her software. It was a pain in the ass to fix.

He was a pain in the ass.

Not allowing herself to get worked up Kendall focused on the computer. Slipping on some headphones she played the track a few times before tweaking it. The goal was reggae trap, but it wasn't coming out that way at all, so she just went wherever it took her.

But twenty minutes in her phone wouldn't stop vibrating, so she was forced to deal with it. It was a series of messages from the boys. They'd all sent apologies separately, but also blew up the group chat. Scrolling through and reading them all took a solid two minutes.

She wasn't that upset with them. Much like Sejin they were supposed to remember, but weren't the ones with any real responsibility. It wasn't necessarily their job. Kendall was just being petty when she ignored their messages before.

Sighing, she realized that if she didn't reply they'd keep messaging her nonstop or start thinking she was pissed at them or something.

Kendall: It's fine. I'm annoyed and hate that I had to call Kihyun to come get me, but it's fine. I'm not mad at any of you. But I'm also trying to work, so maybe tone down the spamming

There was an overall okay in response to her and she went to set her phone down only for it to go off again. That time it was just Namjoon.

Namjoon: Did Yoongi call or text?

Kendall checked her phone for a message from someone other than Joon and there was none.

Kendall: No

Namjoon: Taehyung gave him his phone so he should get to you soon. And I swear that he feels like shit for forgetting.

Though she believed him, something in her questioned why he felt the need to emphasize that. And why Yoongi didn't just head home instead of using Tae's phone to contact her, but she chose not to ask Joon a million questions.

Kendall: Ok, thanks for letting me know

With that she got back to work but sat the phone on her thigh, so she'd feel when it went off. Enough time passed that she'd been so into her work that the vibrating almost went unnoticed. But when she realized it, she took off the headphones and answered the call from Tae's phone, though she did take note that it was over an hour later.

"Hello?" she said.

There was silence and then a gruff voice came through. "Hi, baby."

"Yes?" she wasn't going to play that game with him.

"I know I fucked up," he said.

"Accurate."

He laughed at that but kept going. "But I really need a favor from you and then I'll be on the way home. Where I will apologize thoroughly."

Of course, he needed something from her first. That explained her weird feeling about how bad he truly felt.

"What is it?" she asked.

A sigh of relief came through the phone. "There are some things in the folder labeled Jin and I need you to send it to me."

"Fine."

"Thank you so much. I love you."

In return all she did was grunt. Saving her own project, she logged out and logged into his. Within a minute or two she'd found the folder and sent it to him.

"It should be there," she said.

"Thank you. I swear I'll be home in forty-five minutes or less."

Kendall rolled her eyes. "Sure."

Right as he tried to say bye, she stopped him though, there was something else she needed to say.

"If your version of telling me your sorry involves sex, you're going to want to rethink your plan. It's not happening."

And with that she hung up.

Locking her phone, she threw it on the desk and refocused on her music. She wasn't going to let him derail what she was doing.

By the time thirty minutes passed Kendall was okay with where she was in terms of progress and knew she'd need to come back to it with fresh eyes. But she played it aloud a few times to see if she genuinely liked it.

Kendall was so immersed in listening she didn't realize that by the third playthrough she was no longer alone. Not until Yoongi's hands were on her shoulders. It caused her to jump, but when she registered his fingers she calmed down.

She then stopped the music and turned around to face him. He was looking all sweet and innocent, but she knew better than to give in to that.

"Go ahead," she said.

Yoongi immediately dropped the act and sighed. Then after staring at her for thirty seconds he moved closer and pushed her legs together. Before she could question that both of his knees were on either side of her thighs and he was sitting in her lap, his arms wrapping around her neck.

"Baby."

"Don't baby me mister."

Yoongi rolled his eyes but didn't retort.

"Kendall. I'm sorry I forgot about you today, I really am. I told myself last night, but then today was crazier than we thought it would be. It didn't help that I was up late working on this thing for Kook. Which meant I rushed out of the house forgetting my phone and then I was so wrapped up in work that nothing else crossed my mind," he rambled.

Kendall's eyes narrowed. "Pause. A thing for Kook? As in the thing you said you stopped working on and would pick up today when you had the chance. Because you'd already pulled three all-nighters this week and you needed the rest."

With each word Kendall became more annoyed and Yoongi realized he'd messed up.

She watched as he scrambled for something, but then finally gave up.

"Look, I know. I should've slept, especially since it takes me so much more energy to fake that I have energy in order to get through work. But inspiration hit and I just started working. Next thing I knew it was early in the morning and I needed to get ready for the day. I fucked up and I'll do better about it. I promise."

His words were sincere, and he wasn't the only one prone to doing that, so she couldn't be too upset with him.

"I get it. We both suck at taking better care of ourselves. We'll both do better," she said.

Yoongi nodded, removing one arm from around her neck so he could hold out his pinky. Smiling she linked her own with it.

"We'll do better," he said.

Kendall nodded and with that Yoongi got off her.

"I showered and ate dinner already, so how about we go to bed?" he asked.

A sarcastic laugh escaped Kendall and she shook her head.

"I said sex isn't happening."

Yoongi scoffed. "I just want to cuddle you, not sleep with you. Goodness, woman."

Though she didn't believe him Kendall shut everything down and allowed him to lead her out of the studio to the bedroom. There they snuggled up and watched TV. Yoongi copped several feels, especially on her butt, which he insisted was an accident.

But the truth was, they didn't do better. In fact, they got worse.

Comeback preparation came at them harder than usual and they had to dive into the chaos. Of course, it wasn't their first time handling it, but that didn't make things easier for either of them.

Yoongi was fully submerged in it, along with one or two projects outside of the group. Kendall wasn't essential for the album, but she still worked on it nearly every day. Plus, there were other groups she worked with that were preparing to comeback, along with all the writing she needed to get done. It was a blessing that projects in the western world were off limits to her during prep or the stress would've tripled.

To their credit they did try to keep things from getting out of hand, but it only took a week before they slipped into unhealthy habits. Their focus was so on getting things done so they were out of the way, that there was no thought about taking a moment to breathe. A moment to take a walk and not think about all the things that needed to be done.

If a thing they planned wasn't mandatory it wasn't going to happen. There were countless outings with friends that they flaked on. A cancelled lunch here, a trip to Lotte World there, jam sessions that were only meant for some fun and stress relief. Kendall nearly missed a friend's engagement party because she'd brushed off the reminder and twenty minutes before someone called to ask her when she was getting there.

At some point people stopped inviting them places and neither of them even noticed.

And that didn't even account for them flaking on each other. Date nights or plans to do even the grocery shopping were put off or forgotten about. Not that either of them ever brought it up, because even if they were aware enough to remember themselves something always caught their attention, so they forgot it even happened. Well, didn't happen.

It even reached the point where spending time together was sitting in Yoongi's studio and working on different things. Kendall preferred her studio for producing so she'd just bring her laptop in and write. Yoongi was usually the one to invite her, but he didn't stop staring at his screen or talking to one of the guys about a track long enough to say anything but hi.

It was getting out of control, but of the two Yoongi was the one dealing with all the stress and work better. He was pushing too hard and not taking proper care of himself, but sometimes logic would prevail. A snack would get eaten or he'd walk to a secluded park to write lyrics because he needed a change of scenery.

But even with his brief moments within reality, he was blind to the fact that Kendall was descending farther than he'd ever reached. He always had faith that she would be fine because she was strong enough to know when things truly needed to slow down, but she wasn't doing that. And right under his nose she was on a downward spiral.

For over a month he remained blind to that, everyone did. Or at least they weren't saying anything to him about it. Not that he listened much to what anyone told him when he was focused on something else.

However, at some point someone got fed up with the bullshit.

Kendall was on Yoongi's couch typing away on her laptop with music blasting through her headphones, while Yoongi sat at his desk writing lyrics. They'd started working on a song the night before that he needed help tweaking. Hours past rapidly as they brainstormed and worked through it. When that was figured out, she decided to write while he finished up.

Both neglected to notice that by the time Kendall's butt hit the couch it was seven in the morning. And they stayed like that until nine rolled around and Jin was bursting through the doors with bags in hand.

The suddenness startled them both and they stopped what they were doing to focus on him. They were met with an incredibly angry Jin and a smirking Taehyung who stood behind him watching the show.

"What time is it?" Jin asked.

"Uh..." Kendall shrugged, eyes flitting down to the bottom right of her computer screen.

When she saw the time, her eyes went wide, and her jaw dropped. There was a curse from Yoongi which indicated that he'd also checked.

"Mhm, and when were you supposed to leave?" he asked.

"No later than one," Yoongi mumbled.

"And why is that?"

"Because we've already been pushing it, so the rule has been imposed for everyone so not to overwork ourselves," Kendall said.

Jin nodded. "And yet, here you two are. Up for over twenty-four hours. Plus, you haven't eaten since who knows when. So, you're going home and today is an off day."

Yoongi opened his mouth to speak, but Jin just reiterated his point.

"You're both going to eat all of that. Only then will you be allowed to leave and when you leave, you're going to go home and rest. Don't make me have to come over and watch you do it either. I will know if you don't."

The way he glared at them meant there was no room for argument and Yoongi wasn't going to, but Kendall had something to say.

"Actually, I have a meeting at one that's like an hour away and then I have a session at four. So..."

That made Jin glare at her, but he didn't have anything else to say. Of course, arguing it was an option, but work was work and there was no way around that. Yoongi even had it in him to look displeased by the news.

Without saying anything Jin moved farther into the studio and shooed Yoongi out of his chair and onto the couch. From there he took a seat and started pulling things out of the bag he'd brought with him. Before they knew it, containers of steaming food were in each of their laps and Taehyung was handing them drinks.

Once they had the food, he stared them down and waited, but Yoongi was the only one who started eating right away. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Kendall playing with the food.

"Look, Jin we didn't mean too..."

"Just eat," Jin said, clearly not in the mood for an explanation.

After that nothing else was said and they both just sat there and ate their food. Every drop of food was consumed too because no matter how much they told him they were full he just stared at them until they continued.

It was like they were children.

When all the food was gone Jin directed to shut everything down and gather their stuff. Jin supervised every movement. It didn't stop there though. He got into the van that took them home and glared the entire drive there. Then he went up with them and watched as they both got ready for different things.

Yoongi prepared for bed and Kendall for her meetings. In half an hour of arrival she was out the door and Yoongi was down for the count.

But his sleep was only temporary.

After about twenty minutes he was up again, and his body didn't want to go back down. He gave up and dragged his feet out into the living room, where Jin was still present.

"Are you not leaving?" Yoongi asked, his voice gruff.

Jin was startled by him and jumped a little, but quickly collected himself and went back to the scowl that seemed permanent.

"Not until you've been out for a few hours. And maybe not until Ken gets back," Jin said.

Yoongi chuckled at that. "I can't sleep, and she might not be back for a while so you're going to get bored fast."

There was a moment or two of silence before Jin's expression shifted to something more distressed, a sigh escaping him.

"Yeah, I know."

That response through Yoongi off. Obviously, Jin would be tired of their antics but something about him read more than that. Yoongi couldn't pinpoint what else could be plaguing the oldest member, but he would find out. He hated seeing any of his brothers down and out.

Moving toward the couch he laid out a few feet from Jin and watched him closely.

"Something wrong? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" Yoongi asked.

That made Jin sigh again, but it was accompanied by a humorless laugh. After a second or so Jin nodded and turned to face Yoongi.

"Not when you're like this I can't."

Yoongi scoffed. "Of course, you can. I know I've been a little too focused lately, but you know I'm always here for you. You don't need to worry about that."

"You're the one I'm least worried about," he mumbled.

"Huh?"

For a moment Jin appeared conflicted, but then his expression turned serious. He turned his body so he was facing Yoongi full on and stared at him for a few seconds.

"Have you really not noticed Kendall's behavior?" Jin asked.

That made Yoongi frown. He'd been caught up in work, but he liked to think if something was wrong, he'd noticed it. There was nothing that came to mind though. All he was met with was memories of her being as engulfed in her work as him, which wasn't a great thing, but it wasn't that bad. She had a lot of work.

Though part of him felt like that line of thinking was stupid since he was on her constantly about taking care of herself. But of course, he shook it off, they were in a high-pressure time and sometimes things needed all their attention.

"She's been working a lot, but that's it. Did something happen?" he asked.

Jin groaned and wiped a hand over his face.

"You've both been working a lot, but she's taking it to an almost extreme level. Have you seriously not seen that she's almost always working on something or going somewhere to do more work? I'm not even sure that she gets much sleep at this point. Let alone eats enough. I'm sure this morning was the biggest meal she had in a few weeks."

That made Yoongi even more confused. "But I almost always see her when you guys force a group lunch. She eats then."

Jin pursed his lips. "Have you actually seen her eat or just pick at the food while typing away at her phone and basically running away when everyone else finishes?"

Yoongi tried to think back to all the times they'd eaten together, and he remembered eating at least half his meal, but never actually seeing Kendall eat. His attention always focused on his screen or notebook. And when he'd go to put the leftovers in the fridge or trash Kendall's containers would be beside her in the exact spot it was placed. But of course, she just happened to sit it back down there or ate out of it from that position. She wouldn't forgo food for long, so she had to be eating.

"Of course, she..." Yoongi started, but then he recalls seeing her walk down the hall one afternoon and having to lean against the wall for a moment with her eyes closed. That could've been a one time thing though. Couldn't it?

It reached a point where he just laid there with his mind going over every interaction they'd had since the prep began. He was finding all types of things that seemed normal at the time, but in hindsight didn't make any sense if she was taking proper care of herself.

"Listen," Jin said, regaining his attention. "You just need to talk to her. We've all tried, but she plays it off or has something else she needs to do. Jimin almost got her to listen, but she just went back into the habit a few hours later. You're the only one who can call her out on it. You both need to be called out, but I know you'll be fine. I'm scared she's going down a dangerous path."

At that Yoongi nodded, but he was still a bit lost in his own head. He couldn't believe that he'd missed so many signs. There was just no way.

Jin confronting him the week before had woken Yoongi up from what he was doing to himself. The way he'd slimmed down a bit and how no amount of skincare could save his face; the undereye bags were going strong. It wasn't good and so he made changes in order to be healthier. Even having the younger members enforce him taking breaks multiple times a day. It was easier to see how things were going down a bad path for him and he was eternally grateful for Jin helping pull him back as he always did.

However, with his newfound clarity and self-awareness he finally saw what was going on with Kendall. Finally, he was paying attention. He watched her for a week and could see that he'd missed everything. Even the biggest flag of them all, which was how she never left her studio if she didn't need to. He hadn't been looking for that before, so it got by him, but every day until who knows when she was in that room by herself working. Food set outside would go ignored and he was sure she never even peed.

How he'd been so far gone that none of those things caught his attention was still a major question, but he couldn't focus on that. His attention needed to be on figuring out how to handle Kendall. If someone didn't get her to snap out of it, she'd lose steam completely and enter a creative block. And she didn't need to do that when all her jobs were creative. Yoongi cared more about her health than her hitting a roadblock, but he knew that when she did that it was much worse for her mentally. She put too much pressure on herself.

So, he needed to be strategic about it. Coming straight at her would do no good and if he was too nice or tried too hard to get her to forgo something to do something else, she'd suspect him. The only choice was for her lone plan for the day to be cancelled to create a slot where she was free. It would be hard for her to turn him down then, so he did what he had to.

Yoongi pulled out his phone and called Kihyun. His friend answered after a few rings.

"Hello."

"Hey, Kihyun. I have a question," Yoongi said.

"Sure, what's up?"

"Is the thing that you're working with Ken on something urgent? Can it be postponed or something?"

"Yes. Yes, it can!" Kihyun shouted.

It shocked Yoongi. "Uh, okay..."

A throat cleared and then Kihyun was speaking at a normal level. "Sorry. It's just the last time she came to work on the song she looked so tired. And even though she was working as well as usual there seemed to be a lack of her normal spark. I asked her about it, and she brushed me off, but I've been worrying about it. So, it can definitely be put on hold so she can rest or whatever you have in mind."

Everyone, but Yoongi had been paying attention it seemed.

"Yeah, I want to get her to rest. But listen, I need you to make up a reason why it's pushed to another day. She cannot know that I'm the reason that this was cancelled. Getting her to stop depends on her not knowing."

"Okay, I can do that. I'll text her now and then text you when it's done," Kihyun said.

"Thanks man."

"No problem."

With that they hung up and Yoongi shut down everything and prepared to head out. But he couldn't just stroll into her office after she got the news, so he played on his phone for half an hour after getting the confirmation text. After that he just casually made his way to her studio, knocking before letting himself in.

What he was met with was her sitting on the couch and staring at her table with a pen in hand. She was making edits, which made his appearance even better time wise. If she was doing it then that meant she was ahead of her schedule in some way and was even less likely to turn him down.

"Hey, baby. I was going to head out for some food. You want to come?" Yoongi asked.

For a moment or two she didn't say anything, but that was unsurprising since he'd asked as she started to write on the screen. Once she was done with the task at hand her attention became his and he truly saw the tired in her face. The bags under her eyes were prominent and her usually plump cheeks weren't as chubby. It made him feel even worse for not noticing it before.

"Uh. I'm not really hungry." she said, her voice softer than usual.

"But you were gone before breakfast. Come eat with me. Unless you have something else planned?"

That made her sigh and deflate a little. Yoongi almost felt bad for messing with her schedule, but it needed to be done.

"No. Ki said that something in his schedule changed so he'd need to meet with me another day."

Yoongi tried his best to seem chill about it. "Damn, that sucks. I hope they aren't overworking him over there as per usual. Okay, then you can come eat with me since your meeting fell through."

Again, he was met with no response for several seconds, but then she nodded her head and carefully rose from the couch. It was clear that it disoriented her a little, but Yoongi couldn't react to it. He had to let her move at her own pace and get her where he wanted her to be.

As she packed up her stuff, he kept a close eye on her.

"Is there anything you want to get in particular?" she asked.

Yoongi shook his head. "Nah, not really. I was thinking something close by, but then I also remembered that Jin put some kimchi stew in the fridge so we could just eat that."

Kendall froze and that worried Yoongi, he did not need to be found out so early. But when she turned around, she smiled at him.

"That sounds really good."

He returned the smile. "Great. I already had one of the vans waiting out front for me, so we can just tell them where we're going."

Kendall nodded and then motioned for Yoongi to lead the way. When he turned around, he released a deep breath and led them out of the building and into the awaiting van. Once they were on the road it was silent between them, but he didn't mind. He needed to ensure that he didn't say something too soon and if they got talking, he would slip up.

Once they arrived home, he led her upstairs with a hand wrapped around her waist, which wasn't something unusual. It appeared like affection to her and everyone else, but it was mostly him trying to keep her stable enough that she didn't sway or stumble. If that happened, she'd get defensive when he asked if she was okay.

They got into the apartment without issue and Yoongi got to work reheating the food so they could eat. Kendall took a seat at the dining room table and began editing again. It wasn't too intensive, so he let it be, but the moment the stew was ready, and he had some side dishes he had her put it away.

Again, they sat in silence, though that time he turned on the TV and put Brooklyn Nine-Nine on in the background. It drew in some of her attention and that's what he wanted. He needed her calm and comfortable. If she got a filling lunch and was somewhat immersed in the show some of her walls would be down. It also helped that he genuinely enjoyed the series and she knew that, so it didn't appear that he was trying anything.

But despite Yoongi's careful steps Kendall saw through him. After he'd taken the dishes to the kitchen, he returned to find her waiting for him with her arms crossed.

"What?" he asked.

"You're up to something."

That made his heart rate spike, but he'd perfected a steady expression over the years so of course that didn't show.

"What are you talking about?"

"We haven't spent real time together in a while and now you're actively seeking me out. Plus, you've been watching me a lot over the last two days. It's weird and sudden. So, what are you up to?" she asked.

"I'm not allowed to show interest and want to spend time with you now? That's suddenly... actually, no. I'm not going to do this. We'll go back and forth for forever and I'm just going to get to the point. I've stopped being so caught up in work that I noticed that you're too caught up in it. You're not taking care of yourself and I'm worried about you. Many people are worried about you. I thought we could spend some time together and that means you would rest."

Kendall's expression went from suspicious to annoyed. One of her brows raised and she rose from her seat, though she didn't move closer to Yoongi. In fact, he saw her take the smallest step back.

"So, what? You were going to try to get me to bend to your will by using things I like to lull me into a sense of comfort? Thought that would be enough to get me to forget about all the work I have to do?"

"No, I..."

"And then what? Get me to sleep? Make sure I stay in bed until tomorrow? Or were you planning on trying to get me to not work the rest of the week? Something that would put me back severely since I have things to do. Something that..."

"Stop!" he shouted. "Yes, I wanted you to take a break. And I would've loved if it was for the rest of the day. I would love for you to just sit down for a moment and relax. To sleep more than you do. To eat more than you do. I'd love for things to not be how they are now. But I wasn't and don't plan to commit some grand conspiracy against you, Kendall. I just want you to slow down and breathe."

There was silence and then Kendall scoffed. "When you're doing it it's fine, but when it's me there is suddenly this major problem. I'm fine. I'm stressed and working a lot, but I'm fine. This isn't anything that I can't handle. I've had more to do, so it's not a problem. But a problem occurs when everyone seems to think they need to insert themselves into my life for one reason or the other. I don't need to be watched like a child who can't function on her own. I'm more than capable."

Yoongi sighed and ran a hand over his face. Of course, things were taking a turn. She reacted much like him when backed into a corner when they swore, they were okay when in truth it felt like life was drowning them.

"No one is saying you're not capable, Kendall. We just want you healthy and not pushing yourself so much. You're losing weight and you look so drained of energy all the time. Even Kihyun said something was off during your last session. That you had your same work ethic, but your usual energy was gone," Yoongi said gently.

He hoped that his words would change something within her, and they did, but she was angry which wasn't the goal.

Kendall took a deep breath; her fists clenched and unclenched a few times before she glanced at Yoongi.

"Kihyun? Is that why he canceled? Because I don't seem well enough? Great."

Yoongi took a step forward, but she took two steps back.

"Everyone seems to have these grand ideas about what I should be doing and making decisions on my behalf. So, I'm going to let you all do what you want to do. But I won't be around to let you do it. I have things to get done today and Kihyun canceling means I have more time. So, if you need me for my job then let me know. Other than that, back the hell off."

With that she grabbed her stuff and was headed towards the door. Yoongi went after her, but after she slipped on her shoes she whipped around and held her hand up to stop him.

"I'll be sleeping somewhere else tonight. Don't wait up or come looking for me to make sure that I'm sleeping up to your standards."

And with that she was gone. Yoongi was left cursing himself and wishing he'd handled things differently. Maybe if he had she'd be still in the apartment. If he'd only caught on sooner maybe the evening would've been spent cuddled together on the couch or in bed. Honestly, anything was better than what happened.

Yoongi couldn't help but feel like he'd messed everything up.

Despite wanting to fix things as soon as they happened Yoongi waited it out. He knew that coming at Kendall again would just yield another argument and he didn't want that. Especially because he was likely to lose his cool and things would become worse.

So, he sat back and let her do what she wanted for a few days. Every time he ate, he grabbed her food, sat it near the door and walked away. Sometimes it would be gone when he went by again, but more often than not it was still sitting there. It was frustrating, but he didn't let up and just kept doing it. There were even little notes where he left her with encouraging messages or that relayed how much he loved her. He hoped it would help soften her and that she'd see his true intentions.

And when they worked together, he was his usual self. There was no pressure to eat, drink, or rest. Kendall had already taken to avoiding him, so he didn't want her to just completely ignore his existence. He only got such brief time with her to make sure she was okay, and he refused to risk it.

The method was honestly great for the first few days, but then after two days in a row with food untouched and her barely leaving the office he'd had enough. The boys could see it too, they watched as he was pushed over the edge.

They stood in the middle of the practice room discussing the choreography they went over a few times. It was the early stages, they were more worried about everyone getting it than it being in sync, so the topic of discussion was one move that almost everyone was struggling with.

But it was during Namjoon explaining that maybe they could alter the instrumental a little to fit that shit hit the fan.

"I could talk to Kendall about it. Of course, making changes is a bit much but it would be kind of cool. None of us are doing it as smoothly as needed and we were discussing adding more of that slightly disjointed sound to the chorus. It wouldn't take much time at all," Namjoon said.

Hoseok pursed his lips and nodded. "But when can she do it? Of course, we can practice it with that in mind, but we need to hear it and get approval before we make that choice. And she said she had a lot to do today. Something about having a new project to work on and needing to prepar..."

When Yoongi heard she took on another project his head snapped up, his eyes focused on Hoseok. The younger male was startled by the attention, especially since Yoongi was glaring at him.

"She has another what?" Yoongi said, practically shouting the words.

No one said a thing, but then after they all were the focus of his glare Jungkook said something.

"Yeah, she took on this thing for some artist she really likes. They're an American one, but she wanted it more than she cared about sticking to her rule during comeback prep."

The rage that filled Yoongi was swift and before anyone could utter another word, he was storming out of the practice room. He didn't stop until he reached the elevators, but as he waited for the doors to open, he could feel his emotions intensify. It was time to put an end to the situation and he didn't care about her being upset with him.

"Where are you going?" Namjoon called out as he caught up with Yoongi.

"To stop this shit."

"Yoongi, you can't just come at her all pissed off. She doesn't respond well to that, you know this," Joon tried to reason.

"I'm not going to her."

Just as he said that the doors opened, and he stepped through. Namjoon stood and watched him, conflict clear in his expression. Yoongi waited a second, but when he didn't make a move, he pressed the floor number. Just before the doors closed Namjoon slid in after him.

The elevator ride was tense and quiet. Yoongi was trying to control his anger so that he wouldn't lash out at anyone. No one was at fault for this and there was no need for them to have to deal with his issues. Even if they were all willing, he'd hate if he'd made anyone too uncomfortable once everything was over.

When the doors opened, they walked out and the secretary simply nodded and pointed towards their destination. After knocking and being granted entrance they walked into Bang's office.

Their boss looked prepared for their arrival and Yoongi was sure one of the boys put two and two together and warned him. He didn't mind though; it was easier to handle it if he didn't have to just show up and lay it all out when he least expected it.

"Is there something I can help you with, Yoongi?" Bang asked.

Taking a deep breath Yoongi collected himself and then nodded. "Yes, there is. Kendall has been a little, well a lot overwhelmed the last few months. She's working more than she needs to and not taking care of herself properly. Obviously, some of this stuff is out of your domain, but a lot of it is work on producing and writing. It's reached a point where she won't listen and even when things fall through, she finds a million other things to do in its place. I know that her main focus is on the girl group debut and you wanted her to take full control of that, but they won't even be announced for a few months and she's way ahead of schedule. So, what I'm asking for is her taking a break. She'll have more than enough time to come back to it and have them ready. But right now, she needs to step back. I need her to step back before things get worse."

Yoongi hadn't meant to be long winded, but once he started talking it all came out. And that included the distress he was feeling. His voice went up a few octaves and he was pleading with Bang to agree with him. He needed for him to give the go ahead.

It was silent for a moment, but then Bang nodded. "I've noticed that she's been working a lot, but I didn't know to what extent. She's farther ahead then what we talked about. Practically finished the album. So, we can put a hold on any more work until she's had proper rest. If that needs to start today, then it can. I'll send the email and make the call."

After nodding and giving a brief thank you Yoongi was out the door and back in the elevator with Namjoon hot on his heels.

"What are you going to do?" Namjoon asked.

"We're going home."

"And if she doesn't choose to go? You know she's not just going to agree. So, what are you going to do?"

For a while Yoongi didn't say anything, but the moment he stepped off the elevator he turned to face Joon.

"I'm going to tell her too much time has gone."

Namjoon's eyes widened at that, but Yoongi could see on his face he understood. That phrase - too much time has gone - was used when there was something serious they needed to talk about. Something where one of them needed to be heard out and it invoked the urge to listen better with the other. Kendall wouldn't be able to refuse and would have to see how concerned he was.

He hated using it because it always left him on edge when she used it and he would assume the worst, so he knew she had to feel it too when he did it.

"Call or text me after. Okay?" Namjoon said.

Yoongi nodded and then turned to walk down the hall. He made a quick stop in the practice room to grab his stuff and then did the same in his office. Once packed up he headed towards her studio. As he went, he prepared himself for a shit show and he really wished it didn't need to be, but he'd accept that if it meant she'd be okay.

When he walked up to the door the bag of food he'd left earlier was gone and that helped calm him. At least she ate something. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door but got nothing. Several knocks and doorbell rings later he put in the passcode and entered the studio. Instead of finding Kendall immersed in her work he was met with darkness, which was weird because she didn't have any outside work.

Yoongi flipped the switch and found everything was shut down, but something on her desk caught his eye. He moved closer and saw the bag of food, which was still untouched, but before he could focus on that his eyes drifted to the note on the desk. It was the one he left, and it read: You're doing a great job, baby. I got your favorite. I love you.

The paper was wet unlike it had been when he dropped it off and it only took a second to realize that it was from tears. Even the space around it had a few drops here and there.

His first thoughts were about if she was okay and the next were hoping that maybe they'd just been from him finally breaking through to her. Either way she needed to be found.

Yoongi sprinted out of the room and slammed into SlowRabbit who looked at him confused, but then noticed where he was coming from.

"Ken went home. Said she needed to do something," SlowRabbit said.

Muttering a quick thank you Yoongi was running again. He needed to get home fast. Thankfully once he got to the lobby Joon was waiting there with one of the drivers, once they saw him the driver headed to a car out front and Yoongi moved after him.

The drive to the apartment was tense. There was a giddiness inside of him as he clung to the idea that she'd finally seen the light, but there was also a deep-rooted fear of what could happen if she wasn't coming back to reality. It left him all over the place and sweating more than he had during dance practice.

Once in his building he felt his anxiety diminish, but for some reason he walked very slowly through the lobby and to the elevators. Like he was stalling for time trying to come up with something, but in truth his mind was completely blank. Even as the elevator indicated he was getting closer to his floor his mind remained emptied.

It was weird.

As the doors opened, he started to think again, but that quickly came to a halt. At the end of the hall there was a person collapsed onto the floor. Panic filled him and he sprinted out to them, dropping to his knees to make sure they were okay.

"Excuse me? Hey. Hey. Wake up." He chanted as he carefully rolled them over.

When he saw the face, he stopped breathing. For some reason it didn't register in his head that the person was on his floor and in front of his door. It didn't register that the person could be Kendall. Until he saw her face.

"Kendall! Kendall! Baby!"

He shook her gently, one of his hands going to cup her face. She wasn't responding or even moving and that panicked him more. His mind raced and he continued trying to get her to wake up. Screaming her name and shaking her to get some sort of response.

It took a minute or so before it clicked with him that he needed to act. That there was no time to waste.

He placed his fingers under her nose and waited, after a few seconds he was sure that she was still breathing. It wasn't strong, but it was something. He then fumbled in his pocket for his phone and when it was finally in his clutches, he dialed emergency services. His eyes never left Kendall's face and his finger remained under her nose.

When they answered he had a response ready, but instead of words a sob broke free. The tears came soon after and he was finding it hard to say anything.

"Hello? Hello? I can hear you crying, dear. Please tell me what's wrong," a soft voice said on the other end.

Yoongi took a breath and reminded himself what was at stake.

"My... my girlfriend collapsed, and I don't know how long she's been out. I found her in the hallway of our apartment building. Her breathing... her... her breathing isn't as strong as it should be. And neither is her... pul... pulse." He finally managed to choke out.

"Okay. I'm glad that you checked all those things out. If she's still breathing, there's a chance she's fine. Can you give me the location?"

He mumbled off the address and what floor they were on. As he spoke more, he calmed, but the tears never stopped and at any given moment he was hit with an intense wave of distress.

Yoongi's eyes never left Kendall, even as the dispatcher kept him talking so he wouldn't freak out too much. He couldn't take his eyes off her. The last time he'd done that led him to the pain he was enduring in that moment.

Kendall's body felt too hot and she needed to cool off but no matter how much she adjusted there was no escape. At some point she was forced to wake up and try to free herself, but the moment that her eyes opened she felt disoriented.

Everything was fuzzy and her head felt swimmy. It was as if she wasn't grounded and she didn't know why. Of course, she wanted to fight for some clarity, but she knew she'd needed to just let it pass first. So, she waited until her vision cleared and she felt settled before trying to figure anything else out.

Who knows how much time passed before she could make out her surroundings, but when she could confusion filled her. She wasn't in the apartment or in her studio, but what looked like a hospital room. But for the life of her she couldn't figure out why she'd be there.

Kendall searched her memory for something, but it was as clouded as her vision had been. She didn't let that stop her though, she focused on what she could last remember until snippets of her day came up. They were so short that she couldn't make anything out of them though. It was frustrating, but she needed answers and she was alone so there was no one to give them.

At least she thought she was alone.

As Kendall took in her surroundings and then herself, she finally noticed that she wasn't the only one in the hospital bed. Next to her lay Yoongi. He was asleep and looked so peaceful that she momentarily forgot what she was doing. It had been so long since she'd seen him like that and she wanted to savor it, but before she could even get comfortable with the idea it all came rushing back to her.

She'd been working on a track that was proving difficult for her. The idea she had in her head wouldn't translate into the actual work. Nothing she tried was working and she was close to screaming about it. Instead she decided to take a step back and finish some things on a different track for a friend. It would give her a break and the chance to get some more work done.

Halfway through that hunger struck her and she'd peeked out to see if Yoongi left any food for her like he had been. Kendall was still upset with him for actively trying to hinder her work, but she appreciated the gesture because she often forgot to eat. It wasn't that big a deal, but not having to search for food when she finally decided to eat was a good thing.

She'd grabbed the food and brought it in, but as she opened the bag there was a post-it on top. It wasn't surprising since he left them with every meal and she'd planned to sit it aside, but then she read the words. For some reason something in her finally snapped and she felt her body droop and tears fall from her eyes.

Yoongi was being so caring and loving, even after she lashed out at him. He was making sure that she at least ate and reminding her constantly that she was doing great and was enough. She'd been so caught up in doing everything that she'd let those things slip away from her. Let herself reach a point where she was so tired all the time and barely functioning mentally but using the excuse of needing to stay ahead as a reason to keep going. As a reason to not take a moment to breathe.

Kendall ran herself into the ground. And instead of giving into him and taking in what he tried to tell her she'd pushed herself further to prove a point.

But she was tired of proving that point.

So, after crying she packed her stuff and planned to head home. Yoongi was practicing so she didn't want to disturb him. She'd planned to text him after she got home and showered, it would be enough time for the boys to be taking a break. After telling Slow Rabbit she was leaving, a van took her to the apartment and she was eager to finally stop being so hardheaded so she could rest. However, as she got onto the elevator, she felt weird, but couldn't pinpoint why. She brushed it off as being tired and thought maybe she should nap and then shower.

But as she got off the elevator and walked towards the door everything around her shifted. It was like a kaleidoscope was right in front of her eyes and before she knew it her body was falling in slow motion. After that everything was blank.

The moment her brain caught up she felt herself tear up; she'd fucked up. Not only had she done damage to her body, but she couldn't imagine how Yoongi felt. Had he been the one to find her? Was he notified as he tried to live out his day? She hoped she hadn't scared him too much.

As the tears fell her hand moved to caress his cheek. At her touch he shifted but didn't wake up. Leaning down she pressed a kiss to his forehead. It was soft and lingered for several seconds. When she pulled away though, his eyes were wide open, and he was staring at her. The sadness was clear, but there was also some relief.

"Baby," he whispered.

Kendall didn't get the chance to say anything though, because he was kissing all over her face in seconds. After he pulled her tight, burying his face in her neck.

"You scared the shit out of me, Kendall. You can't keep doing this shit, okay? It needs to stop," he mumbled.

"I know. I'm sorry," she said.

It was all she could think to say. She wanted to explain herself, but it didn't feel like the right time, so she let it be.

They spent the rest of the day like that. Even when the doctors came in Yoongi didn't stray too far from her, he always had to be touching her. If he couldn't be in the bed with her then he was holding her hand and if she left to use the bathroom, he would snatch it up the moment she was out.

It hurt her heart to see him like that. To watch him look at her as if she were going to slip through his fingers and disappear.

"I'm sorry," she started. "I didn't mean for this to happen. I should've listened to all of you and stopped letting work take over, but I just pushed myself harder. And when it finally clicked, when your note put me back into reality, I was going to take a break. I'd gone home to shower and rest. I was going to message you after to not be a disturbance and because I knew we were going to need to talk, but I didn't get the chance. I didn't mean for it to get this far."

Yoongi just watched her as she spoke, nodding along to show that he was listening. When she finished, he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her lips. He murmured about how it would be okay, and they would deal with it later. Kendall didn't think that wise, but then the boys showed up to pay her a visit and lightly scold her, so the moment was lost.

After her explanation Yoongi still remained close by, but she noticed a shift in him. His relief faded and he relaxed more, but something else rose to the surface. He was clearly annoyed and though she wanted to ask if he was okay, she knew it was best not to. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know why he was upset. Kendall expected his rage to surface at some point, but she wished it made him more vocal.

Instead of scolding her or just straight up yelling he remained silent. They didn't speak much and any conversations she tried to start fizzled within seconds. It left things tense all the time and despite the guilt it grew tiresome.

Thankfully, they only kept her for a day after she'd woken up so she could rest at home. That meant that she wasn't confined in one room with him watching her with his underlying anger, but it didn't make her feel any less uncomfortable. Yoongi still made sure she rested, took her medication, and ate. He worked outside of the home studio to keep an eye on her but kept his distance. And his silence remained. He'd even mastered answering her questions without saying a single word and after three days Kendall was over it.

She'd come home from the hospital still quite drained, but with eating regularly and resting her energy returned to her. Which meant she could risk exerting herself a bit to push the issue. And after he'd blatantly ignored a question she asked it was hard not to snap.

"Can you just fucking yell at me already? I get you have some stuff to work through and are probably trying to figure out how you want to address this, but please just do it. Just say what you want to say. Yell. Cuss. Tell me you hate me. I don't care. Just please say something!" she blurted out.

That made him pause and turn around to face her. His expression was one that he wore when he was pissed off and though it made her stomach drop it's what she wanted. What she needed.

Yoongi laughed after a few seconds. One of those humorless ones, that were so loud and obnoxious that they seemed fake. It lasted for a moment and then he abruptly stopped, taking a few steps forward so they were only two feet apart.

"Okay. I'll talk. We both went off the deep in and got too caught up in things. You more than me, but we're both guilty of it. But I was so off in my own damn world that I didn't notice you were taking it a step too far. I had to be told by Jin, who saw it from the start and tried to help. I had to be told to take a closer look at my girlfriend who I saw often, and thought was okay. I fucked up and part of this is on me. No matter what you say I'm sticking to that because I know how far you can go, and I wasn't seeing the signs. Hell, I even encouraged it with my own behavior.

"But then you have to be so damn stubborn about things. You have to think because there are no obvious effects on you that you're doing okay and that everyone else is seeing things. You push yourself too hard, Kendall. No matter how overwhelmed you are, you push so hard as if you can't take a breath. As if you couldn't half ass it and still come out with some great work. And you let yourself get so in your head that you fucking forgot that and neglected yourself. Barely ate. Barely slept. Barely did anything besides work, even when there shouldn't have been any work to do. And that shit ended with me fucking finding you passed out on the ground in front of our home. Of me fearing that you weren't going to be... be... that you weren't going to be okay. This entire situation is fucked up and I need some time, okay?

So, let me have my time to fucking think. Let me have the chance to stop being mad at you and me, so we can try to move the hell forward after this shit show."

With that he turned on his heel and walked away. He went into the bedroom and slammed the door behind him. It left Kendall alone in the living room feeling worse than she had when she woke up in the hospital. She knew she had no valid reason to cry since she'd brought this on herself, but it felt like her heart was ripped out of her chest.

It felt like she'd fucked her entire relationship up.