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litsenn · 2 days ago

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Hi, I hope it's alright to ask your thoughts on something about Astarion. I just think your posts always show a very deep understanding of Astarion as a character, especially in regards to his complicated views on sex and intimacy, and I really appreciate and respect your analyses. I'm only on my second playthrough, so I like to hear from people who have played a lot more than I have.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Astarion’s state of mind in the first sex scene in act one (I'm currently writing about it). The more I think about it, his experience seems to be a very complex mixture of both positive and negative that exist simultaneously. These are just some of my current personal thoughts (all of this in the context of the PC being someone who treats him well and is generally a good person):

This is the first time he's getting to have sex on his own terms in 200 years, and that's probably liberating, in a slightly terrified and overwhelmed way. He is likely trying to convince himself that he feels more empowered and in-control than he actually does, because he needs that feeling.

He knows the PC better than he ever knew any of his past targets, but he doesn’t yet believe that they truly care about him, either.

The sex ends up meaning more to him than he thought it would, but I also imagine it isn't exactly enjoyable for him, given his dissociation, feelings of disgust, and the fact that this was all just supposed to be an act.

He is also probably struggling to reconcile the fact that he’s growing to genuinely like the PC with his belief that they are fetishizing him (this also connects with your incredible post about Astarion’s feelings about feeding on the PC at this point, and how biting during sex can be enjoyable for him, though still uncomfortable in that he views it as transactional)

He feels like his performance here is important to his survival, because in his mind he is using sex as currency to get the PC on his side. The transactional nature of it is probably comfortable in its familiarity, yet no less disgusting for him.

So what I’m ultimately trying to ask is:

In your opinion, how much of this experience feels positive to him vs negative?

Which of the feelings mentioned above do you think are at the forefront of his mind going into the encounter? Which ones “win out” over others? Are there more factors I forgot / didn’t list?

(I hope I made this sound somewhat coherent. I’ve had a hard time articulating my thoughts about this scene.)

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words 😭 I’m always very touched when people say they enjoy reading my stuff. I don’t know if my understanding of the character is so relevant, all I can say is that I relate to him on many levels, and therefore I analyse him from my personal perspective. Which also means that my posts are just one interpretation among many others.

Now, concerning this scene, there’s a lot to unpack. And I first have to say that there is no clear answer to the question "Did he enjoy it or not?". IMO, it will always be yes and no. And I'm only offering a personal analysis of this ambivalent situation.

Proceed at your own discretion because I’m going to talk about trauma, SA, sex-work and complicated relations to sex in general. Be careful.

Please, keep in mind that al of this is pure speculation (and forgive the typos😅)(and this post is long and chaotic, sorry).

I globally agree with all your points, and I love that you mentioned the complexity of his feelings during this scene. We can all agree that he has contradictive feelings about sex in Act 1. It's not just disgust, not just hedonism, not just attraction, not just manipulation: it's all of this and more.

And that’s one of the things I love about the writing of this character.

Sex is always complex (for everyone) but for survivors it’s even more complicated. And I love that Astarion’s narrative stands against the “perfect victim” tropes and the idea that SA survivors are incapable of enjoying sex. Despite the decades of SA, Astarion still enjoys it and wants it, but his desire is tainted with self-loathing, with fear. He deals with those through defence mechanisms and what I’d call “automatisms” from his former experiences and obligations.

That's why before I answer your questions, I want to add one point which can also work as a foreword to the rest of the post: Astarion is attracted to the PC.

He says it during the confession scene, and there's no reason for him to lie at this point. Likewise, if the PC tells him they can be together without having sex, he's indeed relieved, pleasantly surprised, but he jests about it being a challenge.

I think there's some truth in those words: it will be somehow challenging. First because sex is the only kind of intimacy he's known for 200 years; it's will be difficult to "quit the habit", to discover and get used to new ways to get close to someone. Secondly, because he does find the PC attractive and probably wants to be able to have sex with them without feeling bad about it.

After all, it seems like he enjoyed sex very much before Cazador turned him, since at the beginning, he thought he could still enjoy having sex with his targets.

Meaning sex wasn’t something that disgusted him before all this. He might be able to remember (deep down) that sex can be 100% enjoyable.

Yet, it doesn’t necessarily means he’s now incapable of enjoying it; it only means that it’s going to be more complicated. He needs to rediscover how to fully enjoy it again – on his own terms – now that he’s free to give his consent.

Take the brothel scene for instance; if the PC has sex with Astarion and the Drow twins after dealing with Cazador, he's at first very excited about it. And I don't see any lie here, he's genuinely enthusiastic.

Unfortunately, during the orgy, he realises that it’s not for him ( not yet at least). Being with many people, and/or with someone that is not the PC is still an experience that triggers his trauma. But he didn't know that, he wasn't expecting his trauma to manifest. He wanted to do it, he wanted to enjoy it.

Not only he falls back into his old mechanism: sex as a performance, Astarion as an entertainer who must give the best performance to his partners, paying no attention to his own desire and needs. Followed by dissociation, which is something that happen automatically. You don't decide to dissociate. It's your brain switching off because the reality is too uncomfortable. It's survival.

Anyways, this bad experience is typical of what can happen to someone who's healing. It's normal. You want to explore your sexuality, and sometimes it works perfectly well, and sometimes not. That’s what healing is about. It's not linear, and sometimes it's messy.

It is true that some SA survivors are perpetually sex revulsed. And some of them become sex-addicts. And for most of them, it’s somewhere in-between. Still capable of enjoying sex VERY MUCH, but also finding themselves disgusted by sex sometimes for reasons they can’t really explain. There’s no rule as to how survivors experience sexual attraction.

All of this to say that it is clear to me that Astarion experience sexual attraction, that he is attracted to the PC and that even in Act 1, an important part of him wants to have sex with the PC.

Back to your points.

Control, habits and defence mechanisms

I like how you said he “is likely trying to convince himself that he feels more empowered and in-control than he actually does, because he needs that feeling.”

There’s definitely something in his mind that still thinks as a slave, something which believes that he must have sex to be safe. Because it was the case for as long as he can remember.

Seducing people, sleeping with them without thinking about his own needs, that's part of his habitus. His body has been a tool for so long that he still sees it as such.

It’s ingrained in his mind, and even if he’s regaining his agency, some of the seeds planted by Cazador persist in his mind (and will until the Act 2 confession). Astarion says it himself, it's instinctive. And as you put it, it's somehow comfortable, it's charted territories.

A part of him tells him his only value relies on his sexual skills. Therefore he associates sex to a “safety net”. But he probably hasn’t acknowledged that yet in act 1; he prefers to lie to himself and to pretend he’s sleeping with the PC because he has become the puppet master. It's easier to think that way. But in fact, it was just a automatism, his survival instinct. So even if he’s really attracted to the PC, Astarion is still driven by fear and by a need to control how the PC feels about him (precisely because he's so afraid to lose control over the situation). And sex is the perfect tool for that. His body is the perfect tool.

[I can recall a few numbers of times when I had sex with people while lying to myself and pretending I 100% wanted it, pretending I was the one in control, when in fact, I had sex with those persons for reasons that had nothing to do with my own desire. It doesn't mean I didn't find them attractive, it doesn't mean I regret having sex with them, but it still means that my motivations weren’t what I thought they were, that my decision to have sex was still controlled by something else in my mind, something different from my actual desire. I acknowledged it months and sometimes years later.]

When Astarion welcomes the PC in the clearing, he’s performing. When I say he’s performing, I mean in the way he presents himself as as a person craving for sex, and he expresses his desire as such. He puts on the mask of the “mysterious sexy vampire”, keeping his voice low and his smirk sharp. He plays his part, the one he's played for years. He pretends to be the lover he thinks the PC wants him to be, the overly seductive vampire with his exaggerated declarations.

I think there are several ways to explain why he feels the need to perform:

It has always worked with his target up to now

That's the only way he knows

The exaggeration is also a shield behind which he can hide his vulnerabilities

Let me explain that last point : Saying a simple “I’m attracted to you, I want to be with you tonight”, without all the grandiloquence, is not something he would do at this point (even if that's how he feels), because that would make him look vulnerable. That would mean being honest with himself and with you, letting you see his raw desire, so to speak. It would feel too real (I purposely insist on that word and you all know why), and it's easier to exaggerate the whole thing and to pretend to be the hedonistic and over-the-top vampire. After all, he’s confident, he’s been doing that for years. He knows it works. He knows he’s hard to resist.

But when you think about it, he's obviously lying, saying he wanted this to happen since his first meeting with the PC... Come on, the first time they met he was ready to kill them.

It's a lovely lie, just like the "I love you" during his second proposition for sex (I talked about it here), but when you look into it, it's far grimmer.

Once more, there's a parallel between sex and death: "to have you"= Killing you. I already talked about that connection here, so I'll just quote myself: "It's possible to see Astarion's offer to kill you as a foreshadowing of him offering you to have sex with you. And considering what sex means to him at this point of his life - a tool to manipulate, which can lead to his partners to death - the parallel between the two in early act 1 makes a lot of sense to me."

But oh! µTav/Durge survived that first night with him! The PC is still here in the morning! That's new! It never happened to him before, waking up next to his partner. He needs to control this unusual and terrifying experience! Quick!

So I tend to think that the little remark about the PC being loud all night falls along those lines. He displays his (exaggerated) hedonistic and over-confident part of his persona, as a way to reassert that he’s the one in control. As if saying, reminding them: "I made you (the leader of the group) scream all night because I decided to, and everybody knows about it. I’m the one calling the shots.”

But I think it's also as way to hide how he really feels about that night. So instead of opening up and saying how he feels about it, he teases the PC about their own enjoyment. Another defence mechanism.

And yet, the mask cracks a little bit when he asks if the PC wants to lose themselves in him; he suddenly looks terribly sad…

he asks for a consent he was never able to give before that

That’s probably a line he’s said thousands of times before and those who agreed did get lost… in death

It brings him back to the feeling of being a toy for others to enjoy, for people to use so they can "lose themselves"

The look on his face here is what he's trying to hide during this scene. He's wearing that mask (which will come back later if you ascend him), because he needs to protect himself. I'm not even sure if he acknowledges it at this point. It's an automatism.

But I believe that, as the night unfolds, he finds himself enjoying it.

Maybe it's just me, but I tend to feel like he’s getting more like his playful and silly self when you let him bite you. Whereas if you trust him to not bite, he keeps on performing, in control, like he was told to do by Cazador.

If you let him bite you, you roll on the ground and he looks pleasantly surprised. And I think he starts to have fun here.

(Shadowheart, please)

And I think he can enjoy it even if he dissociates. As I said, the switch is automatic when the brain finds itself in a situation that represents some kind of danger or discomfort. For two hundred years, Astarion experienced sex in a way that was all but comfortable, sex he didn’t really want. It makes sense that his brain automatically switches off. Even though he’s having a good time here, intimacy itself is a trigger, no matter how much he's enjoying it. It’s instinctive, just like flirting is instinctive to him, paradoxically.

And I find the way he explains it quite interesting: he pretends it’s because of his bloodlust, because he didn't want to get carried away.

You see in his eyes that he’s lying. And I kinda like it because it’s sooo relatable. Finding excuses to justify dissociation or plain detachment during sex? yeah, that something I did, with answers along those lines: “I didn’t want to hurt you/I didn’t want to be too intense/I didn’t want to be too loud/I didn't want to scare you/I'm a little tired/etc."

And I still think he enjoys it even if he’s not 100% into it. He keeps his distance (mentally, emotionally) and it’s normal because he’s careful, because he doesn’t really know how to let go. And (healthy, happy) sex is about letting go completely, it‘s about trusting someone and allowing yourself to be completely free from your mental and physical restrains and automatisms.

It’s easy to understand why he can’t fully let go: he’s afraid, because he’s not 100% sure he can enjoy this, because he doesn't know how the PC will behave, and because he must be in control to feel safe.

His body knows how it works, so he lets his body act automatically, that body which have danced the same dance thousands of time. He doesn’t have to think and it’s easier not to think. Easier and apparently safer than following his true desires. Here again, it's an automatism: his body knows, he can switch his mind off, protecting it from potential bad memories, protecting him from his own desire and feelings, protecting him from the temptation of being himself.

He can’t let go, he has to be in control. if only to make sure he will offer his partner the best performance. Even if he's enjoying the moment because the PC is respectful, playful, gentle or whatever you imagine for this first night, he can't let go.

As you said, he’s convinced the PC is only here for his looks – But think about it: Astarion himself never offered anything other than sex, he didn’t pretend he was in love with the PC. He only offered his body. By doing so, he's also protecting himself from potential feelings (theirs or his) of attachment and affection.

It's like saying “Don’t get attached to me. It’s just SEX”. He pulls up his own walls to keep the PC outside. It's another contradiction: he suffers from being seen as a beautiful and shallow individual who’s only good for sex, but he says upfront that he won’t give more than sex. He keeps the PC away (emotionally) while suffering from it. That’s another defence mechanism, combined with the fact that he probably still sees himself as a "mean to an end" (unconsciously), unable to see that he can be someone else than the "hedonistic and heartless vampire."

Besides, it's probable that he doesn’t believe it’s even possible for anyone to care about him. So he anticipates a potential emotional disappointment by saying that it’s only sex, convincing himself as much as to convince the PC that there’s nothing more to expect from it.

Positive/negative experience

You asked how much of this experience feels positive to him vs negative. Let's recap.

Positive feelings:

Excitement (first time having sex on his own terms + he’s attracted to the PC)

Physical pleasure (sex + blood if the PC lets him bite them)

Fun

A sense of freedom

Relief and a sense of pride (they fell into his trap)

A newfound affection (they trust him, they respect him)

Good surprise (he can still have fun while having sex!)

The PC being who they are (more about this later)

Negative feelings:

A sense of obligation

Fear

PTSD

The need to perform and make sure they enjoy it

Habits that make him serve instead of just enjoy the moment

Guilt

Shame

Confusion

Disgust

Feeling of being used (even if the PC isn't exactly "using him"; they accept his offer and they're not to be blamed for it)

One could think that the negative feelings are more important, and true, those bad feelings can be destructive. But I don’t think the unbalance is so evident, maybe because the positive feelings are all completely new to him, therefore they may be particularly powerful.

But in fact, they're all entangled and messy, and I believe Astarion himself can’t really make sense of them.

And later, he sums it up all on his own.

What we know, is that a few days later, he remembers that night as a good experience. And exceptionally good experience.

And tbh I think that’s what matters: What he makes of this night, how he digests and, remembers it, and how he looks back at it. It was special. Special enough for him to admit it.

He admits it feels different with you, it feels good with you -- but he can't yet get rid of the negative feelings sneaking in the back of his mind, ruining what should be a lovely moment.

As for the main feeling at the forefront of his mind… I don’t think it would be one feeling, but more a motivation: “I must stay in control” (whether he succeeded is up to discussion). In the end, I think he manages to suppress his main fears, to keep a certain distance, while at the same time finding himself surprised to be enjoying it.

Questionable motivations and enjoyment

As a SA survivor myself and a former sex-worker, there are so many things that fall close to home both in terms of ptsd, of performance and habitus. I perfectly see how desire, obligations, attraction and disgust can mingle until they become difficult to set apart. {Mind you, I’m not saying that sex-work and sex-abuse are one and the same, far from it. One can be a sex-worker and have never been abused].

In the case of Astarion, he’s first and foremost a survivor, and even if he compares himself to a prostitute a few times, he had no choice in doing it. Therefore, it's not sex-work, it’s human trafficking.

Yet, it's still transactional, and just like a sex-worker, he had to perform, to let the partner(/client) believe that he wanted them, that he wanted it, that he was enjoying it, even when it wasn’t the case. Remember how he made Sebastian believe he was head over heels for him.

During the first night with the PC, Astarion decides to have sex without anyone forcing him to do it. But he doesn’t do it out of sheer lust and attraction. He does it because he wants to keep himself safe and he thinks that’s the only way. Which is, imo, closer to what a sex-worker would do: having sex for money because they need that money to pay the rent or whatever they need to survive. No one is forcing them, except the material conditions and (in Astarion’s case at least) cognitive bias (the belief that he’s “only good at that”) + long terms habits.

And just like a SW, he has to make them believe that he's totally into it (believe me, client don't enjoy it as much if the SW doesn't pretend to be attracted to them).

Look at him, he’s performing. He's said those lines multiples times before. Even the movement of his hand: it’s theatrical. It’s planned and calculated.

This too is instinctive. He's done that for years and he is good at it.

Look at the shift, look how easy it is for him to put on a smiling face to "open a lot of doors" (and legs).

And after pretending to be attracted to those persons, he had to pretend sleeping with them didn't affect him. That too falls close to home.

That line in particular. SO FUCKING RELATABLE IT HURTS.

In my experience, there had been bad experiences. But you go on, because you need to. And to protect your own sanity, you stick to the idea that it's fine, that you can do that again. That it doesn't matter.

But it does matter.

And yet....

In the case of SW (which should always be consensual), being with a client can be a nice experience. Some clients are attractive, some clients are very sweet and respectful, some clients are very good fucks, some clients are all of this (and some clients are bastards but we’re not talking about them here). In any case, they are still clients. As a SW, I didn’t see them as potential ‘real’ lovers, and I wouldn’t have considered sleeping with them in any other situation. It doesn’t mean the experience was bad. I had genuine O with some clients and really enjoyed the company of some of them.

It seems contradictory, but it's real.

Back to Astarion: at the beginning of the meeting it ultimately starts with a performance, like the SW pretending they really want it (whereas they're only do it for money), but it might turn into a really good moment for everyone involved.

And IMO, that's more or less what's happening here with Astarion.

It's a tricky thing to explain because I really don’t want to look like I’m promoting forcing anyone to do anything. Sex should ALWAYS happen in a situation in which all the persons involved are 100% sure they want to do it, and 100% sure their partner(s) want to do it.

But there are exceptional situations (such as sex-work or what Astarion’s going through here, and I can think of other cases), where sex remains enjoyable even if the original motivations weren’t that clear. It’s not fully incompatible. Clearly, that’s NOT a healthy way to deal with your sexuality!!! But it can happen. And the main point here is that it still relies on consent. The person fully consents to do it, but they do it for “questionable” reasons (whether they acknowledge it or not), and they enjoy it in spite of having questionable reasons to do it. It can happen.

I think that’s what happens to Astarion at this point.

(That being said, I repeat it: ALWAYS make sure your partner is fully into it, and NEVER force yourself to have sex if you’re not 100% sure you want it!)

From a transaction to something else

It’s interesting to notice that if the PC refuses to have sex with him in the clearing, he doesn’t really seem to care.

He’s probably disappointed because his plan failed, but his reaction is very different from the reaction you get if the PC rejects him after the first night (my post on this matter here) when he seems really sad to be rejected. It means, I think, that this first night was REALLY meaningful – his heartfelt reaction to your rejection to spend another night together makes it clear. That first night was special since his reaction to your refusal is so very different.

In any case, if the PC refuses during that first night, he says he thought you had an “understanding", and it somehow evokes me something like a transaction (as you rightly mentioned in your message).

And it's not the first time he compares sex with the PC to a transaction. The first time he offers them to sleep with him, he presents it as a reward for letting him bite the PC. It's transactional: You let me feed, I give you sex.

He thinks that’s what sex is about. He has never known anything else, or maybe he did a long time ago but can’t remember.

I wrote that long post about how feeding him can be quite problematic given how he might see it as a transaction (here and here): Offering the the vampire bite kink in order to be fed and survive. It’s the same here.

He knows the PC enjoyed being bitten, he’s convinced they're attracted to him, and by being the one who gives "a reward", he presents himself in a position of control. I “allow” you to have sex with me, since you want it so much: I’m the one making that decision, having more power over you.

After all, in his mind at this point, sex is a question of power. (And if he ascends he undeniably falls back into that pattern; treating sex as a reward, as something to use to better control the PC)

You put it rightly in your message, there's also some sort of familiarity with that transactional system that is deeply comforting.

I won't lie, back in the days, it was sometimes difficult for me to be with someone who wasn't a client, because my partners then didn't expect anything from me. Whereas clients always expect something specific, if only in the SW's behaviour, or/and concerning the acts themselves. And it was comforting. I knew what I had to do to please them. But as I said, it didn't always keep me from having a good time with some clients. It's not incompatible. That's why I think Astarion can still enjoy it even though he's performing, and can get attached to the PC even if it started as something more or less transactional.

And that's precisely why it must have been so destabilizing for him!

After all, when that first night together happens, he appreciates the PC (you need enough approval to sleep with him). As you pointed out, they've already spent several days/weeks together, shared a lot things... That's new to him, sleeping with someone he knows and appreciates.

As a SW, I had defined through the years a clear line between people I met for the job, and people I met outside of it. There was no confusion between the two, even for the long-terms clients – even for the clients I cared about. I liked them, but we weren’t friends, we weren’t partners, we weren’t lovers. And we would never be.

I would say that in the case of Astarion, that separation exists, but it’s not as well defined because, despite his experience, all his partners were destined to end up dead (for all he knew) and he barely knew them anyway. He didn’t have to clearly define that separation because there was no opportunity, no room for him to get attached to them. He saw a target, seduced them, slept with them and they disappeared forever.

It was “easy”, he didn’t have to question the nature of his relationship with them. Whereas after that first night with the PC, they’re still there, alive, and they’re still being this great leader who cares about him and his needs, who values him as a person, someone whose company feels good. His habitus is all messed up and his mental pattern is no long relevant.

{From personal experience, and SW put aside, many years ago, before I really started working on my traumas, I forced myself to believe that I didn’t need affection, tenderness, care. I would never allow myself to cry, I refused to get attached to people (except some very close friends). Because I wanted to be in control of my feelings, I thought it made me look stronger, not showing any kind of vulnerability. I was 27 or 28 when I first experienced genuine tenderness and care while having sex and I realized that there was a softness inside me I had hindered for years and that I actually loved tenderness. Before that, I would run away at the first sign of affection, because it made me feel deeply uncomfortable (and vulnerable). And when I finally accepted to experience it, it was completely destabilizing. It felt good, but I needed time to adapt.}

Astarion realizing that he wanted something real, soft, and gentle with the PC might have had the same kind of effect, but worse. Because he was supposed to be manipulating the PC, to pull the strings, and he suddenly found himself being “manipulated” by his own feelings.

It must have been terrifying for him, realising that he could feel something like this. Because it means he doesn’t control himself (his feelings) as much as he wants to, as much as he thought he could. He "falls" for the PC, the expression itself being one of vulnerability.

For him, falling in love = falling into a trap. He was supposed to be the one crafting that trap, and he ends up being trapped by his (uncontrollable) feelings.

That's why he can sound so cynical about your affair. This banter is from Act 2 if you romance him:

He feels uncomfortable, not because you had sex, but because it actually means something, and he doesn't not how to deal with it. It's easier to joke about it than to admit that maybe he's not so much in control.

It's not the PC's fault

He’s hurt, he has PTSD, but he can now think by himself and make his own choices, for better or worse.

It’s normal for us, fans who know the rest of the story, to worry about him and to not want to have him do something he's not fully into. But we should give him some credits and let him experience sex his own way.

When you’re a survivor, sometimes you have great sex experience, sometimes your PTSD will ruin it, and you won’t be able to go through with it. Sometimes you have sex for bad reasons, sometimes you regret it and sometimes you’re proud of it. Sometimes you have healthy sex and sometimes you use it to hurt yourself. It’s normal. That’s what healing is about and how you learn to define your boundaries.

Astarion didn’t have any body agency for two centuries, it’s coherent that his first experience as a free man is driven by questionable reasons. You can’t expect him to immediately find a healthy way to deal with his sexuality.

For instance, if you don't sleep with him at the party, he spends the night with Lae'zel, and imho it's even worse.

She shamelessly uses him like a toy, and he knows about it. But it's still his decision to sleep with her, even if his motivations aren't "good". You can't take that away from him on the pretext of protecting him. He doesn't need that kind of infantilisation. Same thing when he decides to sleep with the PC.

The thing is that the PC can’t know. As benevolent and respectful and selfless as the PC is, it’s part of Astarion's storyline that they don’t notice anything. He does his best to keep the mask up because the last thing he wants is to look vulnerable to you.

And he knows it's not the PC's fault. He slept with them for questionable reasons and he feels bad about it; not because he thinks they hurt him, but because he knows he mostly hurt himself, and he feels bad for manipulating the PC.

He doesn't blame the PC for it, and I'm sure it's not because he's deluded by his sense of guilt. After all, he never blamed his targets for sleeping with him, even the "villains" among them. They're not the enemies.

Those who hurt him didn't hurt him because they accepted to sleep with him, but more probably because of their behaviours during sex.

Besides, if the PC uses the confession dialogue to trick him into sleeping with them again, Astarion accepts before realising how disgusted he feels about it, and there he blames the PC for it, because here they explicitly abused his trust, using his vulnerabilities against him. It's still difficult for him to say no, especially to someone he respects, but he can say no when he's not taken aback in his most vulnerable moments (again: he doesn't sleep with the PC at all if there's not enough approval). Sleeping with him that first night doesn't make the PC an abuser.

In act 1, the PC has no way to know how Astarion is feeling about sex, The PC is one that fool who wanted to love him...

Trust

I already mentioned how pleased he looks when the PC let him bite them, and I think it has to do with trust. They accept to spend the night with him although they know he's a vampire and they trust him not to drink too much. Look at his reaction if the PC warn him not to bite.

He's really disappointed, enough to put an end to this affair. The tone he uses here doesn't seem 100% genuine, though, masking indignation? frustration? sadness? I don't know, but the "it's about pleasure" sounds so fake to me.

He nonetheless decides to not sleep with the PC - he listens to himself and realises he doesn't want to spend the night with someone who can't trust him. The PC has taken back their trust and reduced him to his vampiric nature (as something bad). Whereas if they sleep with him, they show him that they accept him.

That’s what makes that night so special: not thanks to some sort of “collective ecstasy” but thanks to mutual trust. The PC trusts him not to hurt them. Astarion trust them not to abuse him. He’s not ready to be vulnerable, but he allows himself to enjoy that moment with the PC, despite his plan, despite his past. Because they've both come this far and the PC has proved him multiple times that he could rely on them. It’s a fragile trust at this point, but it’s still more than what he’d ever had before.

An essential step

IMHO this scene is essential in the romance route. I know some players wished there could be an option to romance him without sleeping with him, and I perfectly understand why. Realizing that he might have not be totally into it is painful. It’s uncomfortable. I also understand that if the PC is demi-sexual/ace, it makes the romance road a bit awkward. And it’s a valid feeling.

You can romance him without sleeping with him as Karlach origin, and that's because it's Karlach. The tension arises from the fact she can’t and wants it so much (for good reasons), whereas Astarion can and wants it somehow (for questionable reasons). That road is specific to them both because they are a mirroring one another.

Karlach aside, the thing is that in terms of narrative growth and storyline, this first night is the starting point of his healing journey. For the first time in 200 years, he has sex in a safe environment. For the first time, he finds a partner who trusts him enough to sleep with him even though they know he’s a vampire who could bite them. For the first time in his existence he can have real fun while having sex, he can be silly and roll on the ground. And maybe during this moment, he’s no longer the “sexy vampire” but just a man frolicking in the forest with someone he's attracted to. And again, it's still his decision, no matter how "bad" his motivations are. We should give him some credit.

I think it’s a brave move from Larian to put the players in that situation, to make them face the harsh reality of trauma. The harsh reality of being with someone who has such complicated feelings towards sex because of their trauma. It’s real. Very real. And it feels good to be seen.

You don’t always know the past of your sexual partners. You don’t always know what’s in their mind when you’re sleeping together. And if you happen to learn the harsh truth, it stings.

The Act 2 confession wouldn't be such a powerful scene without the first night. Astarion wouldn't have appeared so brave. Telling the PC about his former motivations must have been incredibly difficult, telling them "I wanted it but wasn't really into it" is freaking brave, and it's a token of trust he gives to the PC. Without that first night, it would have fallen flat. The PC would have just felt some kind of pride for not falling for his flirting and...that's it. Good, have a medal. Instead, the narrative puts the PC in an uncomfortable position, asking them: "Can you accept that? Because that's what trauma looks like and it's ugly."

That first night is inherent to Astarion's storyline, and to its message. That man goes from someone whose only reason to exist is being a sensual, sexual being in a cruel environment - someone who cannot connect with others without sex - to a man who finds out that he’s more than that, that sex doesn’t have to be dangerous, that’s it’s so much more than a game of power. And when you compare his grandiloquent attitude during that first night to his behaviour in the graveyard scene, it’s even more telling.

Those two scenes need to exist side by side to make sense, to reveal the evolution.

Everything about him in the graveyard scene - his body language, the look in his eyes, his voice - is a reversed image of that first night. He’s at peace, he doesn’t have to use those stupid lines about “mutual ecstasy” and how he will “taste you”, he doesn’t look down on the PC or look away. He looks into their eyes and tells them with his own words that he’d love to have sex with them.

But you have to experience both situations for the graveyard one to be so powerful. To witness that beautiful evolution. And Astarion too; he has to experience a “not so real” night with the PC to know that he wants something real with them.

It makes it all the more meaningful and sweeter. And imo, the graveyard scene is so freaking hot! Much more than that first night! Because it's genuine. It’s simple. He knows what he wants, his motivations are clear. It’s a man telling his lover “I want you”. A man who's learning to decipher what he really wants and to express it. And it’s more than enough.

[Let’s be honest, it’s been quite challenging to write all this. I rarely talk about my past online (for obvious reasons) and this scene means so much to me. Analysing it feels a little bit like analysing myself. And if you ever went through therapy, you know how hard it is xD In any case, that’s still my pov, based on my personal experience. I don’t pretend I hold the keys to a universal truth about it. We all have our own experience and sensibilities, and all of them are valid, even if we don’t agree in our interpretations.]

Thank you again @rivereverie for giving me the opportunity to dig into all this. I hope my humble opinion will help.

Last thing, a moment a god I wrote a short fic about Astarion’s preparing himself for that first night, and it’s here.

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pjmmania · 2 days ago

Text

If Snow Decides to Fall

10. “We’re out of time.”

Author's Note: Chapter 10! Fitting, since it feels like this took a decade to get finished! If you don’t like drama, don’t read this one ;)

Chapter Warnings: pregnancy, medical drama

Taglist: @marihoneywk @amarawayne @chimmy-licious

Back to Chapter Index

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The middle-aged woman was scandalized to have learned what had been going on since she last saw her daughter. It almost didn't sound real. One gut punch after the other, and she'd only been there about an hour.

"I don't know what to say," she said, "I don't know how you've both managed."

Jimin answered, "We keep each other as sane."

Your mother was flabbergasted, "I still find this whole thing troubling. And as her mother, I can't say there aren't parts of this that I regret for her."

The younger man nodded, stained with an uneasy chagrin. His tone was meek, and he couldn't even look her in the eye as he tried to keep his voice from breaking, "I know. I understand, and I ask for your forgiveness. I'm aware that for her, a relationship with a different man would be a lot less complicated. I have watched her struggle so much over the past five, almost six months. Your daughter really is the strongest person I've ever known. The way she deals with this with so much grace..."

She seemed to agree with him, "I regret that she has to keep so many secrets and that the distress has manifested physically. Her poor body is already going through so much. But I no longer regret that she chose you."

Jimin looked across the room at her like a puppy, disoriented.

She offered him a weak yet authentic smile, "You love her in a way a mother can only dream someone will love her little girl. I could see it the first time I was here, but I will admit, I wasn't pleased by it. Now I am glad she has you. Maybe not your career, and everything troubling that has stemmed from it, but you, as a person."

"Thank you," he let out a sigh of relief, "I can't tell you how much it means to hear you say that. Am I to assume that he doesn’t feel the same, given he didn’t come with you?”

“My husband? Sadly yes. He’s…having a bit more trouble now that this rumor has spread.”

Jimin gulped, scared of the answer to the question he was about to ask, “Does he believe it?”

The woman sighed, thinking of a way to frame it non-combatively, “He needs some more time. I still have faith he will come around, as I have. As a father, I’m afraid that this news has only deepened his mistrust for now. When I return home I will share my thoughts with him. That will help.”

He nodded, “I get it.”

"So what happens next? Surely, there must be a way to get this rumor to go away, or punish this Seoyeon woman."

He twiddled his thumbs, "Well, no one can say for sure if she's the source in the story. It's still just speculation, but it seems probable. For now, Management is releasing a statement of denial."

"Do you think that will do the trick?"

Jimin shrugged, “I’m reluctant to assure you it will, but I feel good about it. For the company to take a firm stance on such a serious issue will hopefully persuade many people that the story is false. If I was the father of that child and the company lied about it, then they could be held liable for that in court.”

“I see,” her eyes carried a sense of dread, “Will this go to court?”

“Again, it’s hard to say. I hope not. That’s the last thing we all need.”

Your mother digested it, “Then it’s probably best we don’t let our minds go there just yet. We have enough going on in the present.”

Jimin concurred, “Yeah.”

Then a pause ensued. Feeling awkward once more, your boyfriend rose from his seat, “Can I get you anything? Sorry, it was rude of me not to ask earlier.”

“Oh, yes. Some water would be great. Thank you.”

He padded off into the kitchen to fix two glasses of water. He also peered into the pantry to grab a box of those cookies he always kept stocked. His sweet tooth wasn’t necessarily in play this time. He just needed something to mindlessly chew on, and he thought he’d offer to share them.

When he handed your mother her water, he showed her the box, “Want any?”

She smiled, “Those happen to be my guilty pleasure. Yes, please.”

“I’ll set them in the coffee table then,” he chuckled, “They’re my favorites too. I’ve been buying them like crazy nowadays. Y/N’s developed an affinity for them.”

“Ah,” she sighed, taking a cookie from the box, “That would make sense. I had a terrible sugar addiction when I was pregnant with her. They say mothers and daughters experience pregnancy in similar ways.”

“Really? That sounds like an old wive’s tale.”

She shrugged, “Could be, but every now and then those reign true. They also say that a sweet tooth during pregnancy means you’re having a girl, and I had one.”

Jimin couldn’t hold his laugh after swigging down some water, “I’ll make sure I mention that to her.”

Though glad this meeting was somewhat positive, he had to wonder how you’d react when you came home.

“Thank you guys for doing this.” you said before shoveling a mouthful of heukmi in.

The small group of fellow girlfriends nodded. Hana smiled, “Of course. Figured this would be a good time to talk.”

She was the one to reach out to you and invite you to lunch. You were in a small cafe located not too far from work.

Aejun and Yunhee gave you sympathetic looks. The three women were gutted for you.

“How are you both holding up?” Yunhee asked with detectable hesitation. She didn’t want to upset you more than you already had been.

“The best we can,” you answered honestly, “I take comfort in knowing that the company will work hard to disprove it. But I wish I stayed home today. I’m worried for Jimin.”

You’d been thinking of him most of the day, wondering if he was going stir crazy cooped up in the apartment.

“He doesn’t deserve this. I can’t imagine the kind of pressure he’s under.” remarked Hana.

“What do you need from us?” Aejun asked, “I mean, is there anything we can do?”

“Your friendship means more than anything. Seriously, I know we just met, but you three are the only peers I have. My parents don’t speak to me anymore, and I have a friend in my coworker, Chaeyoung, but I can’t tell her for obvious reasons. You guys are it for me.” you laughed a little, though there was little humor to be felt.

“Hey, three is all you need,” Yunhee beamed, “We are all in the same boat. We have coworkers and other friends that we can’t share this part of our lives with.”

“The scary thing is that someday soon, everyone will know about this part of my life.” you said.

Hana, sitting next to you in the booth, scooted and warmly nudged you, “Yeah, and you’ll have an adorable little baby.”

You began to smile wider. Their positivity was a godsend.

“Oh,” suddenly Aejun became alert as she looked down at her phone, mindful to keep her volume appropriately low, “They just released the statement.”

You inhaled deeply, as if to try to make your peace with it before hearing it. In this brief moment of anxiety, you felt a rush of dizziness return. It faded quickly as you took another subtle deep breath, luckily.

“What does it say?” Yunhee asked.

Aejun looked at you cautiously, “Is it alright if I read it?”

You hummed, giving her permission that she really didn’t need.

Reading from the company’s social post, she began:

“Hello, this is BigHit Music. This is a statement clarifying our position on a recent publication about BTS member Jimin. This article reports that Jimin has fathered a child, but this is unequivocally false. The woman at the center of the report is confirmed to be married. Therefore, to claim that he is the father of her child is deeply insulting to his character and integrity. We are currently investigating into the source of this libelous report, and will take legal action if it becomes necessary to prove our artist’s noninvolvement. Thank you.”

Hana tried to assure you by saying, “That’s a strong start.”

To your surprise, you were actually happy with how it turned out, “Yeah, it’s pretty good.”

“I think it will convince a lot of people that he has nothing to do with her,” said Yunhee as she sipped on an iced tea through a black plastic straw, “Especially those who are on the fence.”

You nodded, taking a sip of your ice water, “I hope you’re right. I take some comfort in knowing that they probably let Jimin approve it beforehand. If he’s satisfied with it, then so am I.”

As a foursome, you went about eating more of the food in front of you, mindful of the time, as you all had to go back to work eventually.

“In other news, the Black Swan video looks awesome,” Hana grinned, “Thanks for dressing our guys well.”

Another gut twist. You’d completely forgotten that it was due for release around this time. Sanghee had to have mentioned the release date to you at some point, but it must have gone in one ear and out the other.

You put a hand to your forehead, “What timing…”

Aejun giggled, “It seems that slipped your mind. No one could blame you.”

You appeared dumbfounded at yourself, “I don’t know how, but it did. Oh God, I hope it’s being received well, given everything else that’s going on.”

You were worried for Jimin, praying that he wasn’t receiving more hate on their own channel.

Hana assured, “When I watched it, there were a few comments questioning why they’d put it out now, but most comments were pretty typical.”

Aejun, with her dry wit, said, “You know, the thousands of strangers saying hot our boyfriends are.”

“Yeah, so don’t worry. Jimin isn’t being ripped apart on his own music video.” agreed Hana.

You breathed a sigh of relief, “Good. I just hope it stays that way.”

There was a brief, comfortable pause as each of you pondered the situation at hand.

“So basically social media is a BTS wormhole right now.” laughed Yunhee.

Then Hana and Aejun started to laugh too. Their energy being too delightful and infectious, you permitted yourself to laugh along. Sometimes, there was just nothing else to do. Your body needed that rush of endorphins, no matter how short-lived.

The four of you laughed until your stomachs hurt.

There was nothing you longed for more than the sanctuary of his arms. You’d received your daily helping of heartburn after lunch, as well as a tiny bit of back pain.

When you walked into your home, you slipped off your shoes and carelessly dropped your bag next to them. You set your keys down on the console table and unbuttoned your pants. Still bloated from lunch, even your newer maternity pants felt a bit tight.

As you walked through the entry hallway, you took off your lightweight cardigan, leaving you in a simple tank top and undone pants.

You didn’t hear Jimin call out for you, which he normally did if he was ever home before you. but you could have sworn you caught the sight of your mother’s signature black purse, resting on a chair in the living room.

You were in disbelief when you walked up to it, then greeted with the sound of her voice saying your name, along with your boyfriend’s.

Mouth slightly agape, your turned towards their voices. They seemed to have come out of the guest bedroom. This was the second time in your pregnancy your mother paid you a surprise visit, but this one was more unexpected than the first.

She looked a little different to you, maybe even aged. Her hair was tied back and her eyes had bags under them, which disappeared when she laid eyes on you. They glistened with tears as she bypassed Jimin quickly, arms open for you.

“Oh, my girl,” she smiled through her emotion, bringing you into her arms, “I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. And I’m sorry I was so stubborn.”

You raised your brows as she hugged you the best she could in spite of your bump in the way. You met Jimin’s gaze. He was smiling, leaning against the wall as he shrugged at you.

Then your mother pulled away, holding onto your arms, “You look beautiful. How are you feeling? I was told about the blood pres-

You shook your head, “Mom, Mom, hold on. What are you doing here?”

She let go of your arms and then glanced back at the man in the room, before returning her eyes to you, “I came after I heard about this…situation. I just wanted to check on you, assuming you would have taken a personal day off work for this. But I’m glad I got a few hours to speak with Jimin.”

Your eyes widened, looking back and forth between the two of them, “You’ve been here for hours? Why didn’t either of you text me?”

Jimin pushed himself off the wall and came forward, “Didn’t want to bother you. Plus, we filled the time with a lot of talking.”

“Yes, he explained everything to me,” she said, “It’s been difficult for you both, and I’m so sorry for that. But I’m glad you’ve found a man who loves you to help you through it. A very good man.”

Jimin smiled to himself.

Taken aback by her compliment, you couldn’t speak. You just blinked a few times.

Then your boyfriend’s grin faded. He could tell you were growing frustrated, on top of your bewilderment. He knew this reunion wouldn’t be simple.

Your mother gestured for you to sit down. Slowly, you went along with it. Your boyfriend disappeared into the kitchen to fix you a glass of water and your prenatal vitamin, having noticed that you forgot to take it in the morning.

Overcome with confusion, relief, and aggravation, you stammered, “S-So what? You’re back in my life, just like that?”

“Sweetie-”

“You didn’t speak to me for months,” you protested, “Do you have any idea how isolated I’ve felt?? I’m having a baby in what keeps unfolding to be an impossible circumstance, and my own parents basically abandoned me. You think you can just show up and give me a hug and everything can be fine??”

“You have every right to be angry with your father and I,” she sighed, “It took far too long for us to get over our preconceptions about the situation and reach out.”

“There’s no ‘us’,” you disputed, “Dad’s not here. He’s still sticking to it, isn’t he?”

“I’m going to do everything I can to persuade him.”

You chuckled so you wouldn’t cry, “I’d actually really appreciate that. I’m…I’m sorry I’m so upset…I just didn’t expect this and there’s been so much going on.”

Conscious of your escalating nerves, Jimin walked back into the living room and presented you with some water and your vitamin. You thanked him and consumed both as he meandered to the back of your selected seat, placing his hands on your shoulders for moral support.

You put a hand on one of his, not put on a display of mutual support, but to make sure he didn’t go anywhere.

Your mother corrected herself, “I’m sorry. I just want to tell you I’m here for you, if you need me. Carrying a child is hard enough in itself, I can’t imagine what it’s like in your shoes.”

“It’s been horrible at times,” your posture relaxed as you made the admission, “But you were right. I have a very good man by my side. And you owe him an apology too, for how severely you misjudged him.”

Jimin gave you a tiny squeeze, giving your mother a reassuring expression, “She has, very graciously. And unnecessarily. I’ve always understood why you guys might not like me, so there are no hard feelings.”

You caught how she smiled back at him. It was then made obvious that her opinion of him truly had changed.

She stayed for a while longer, to catch up on your life. During that time, you felt the beginnings of healing take root. Your heart was still hurt, and it certainly wasn’t going to mend overnight. But at the same time, you were grateful she made the first step, defying her own husband in the process.

When she left, the second you closed the door, you turned to look to Jimin. He was standing close behind you, already starting to chuckle.

You shook your head, but couldn’t help your own grin, “What the hell has today been?”

“I thought that was very kind. Your mom is a very nice woman. And I’m glad I got the chance to get better acquainted with her, and she with me,” he said, inching closer to you, “After the initial awkward phase, we actually had a nice time while you were gone. You’re like her in some ways.”

Your back remained against the door as he drew even closer to you, “How so? Careful with your answer, by the way.”

His classic smirk appeared, “You’re both pretty stubborn. Neither of you are good at hiding your emotions…What else? Similar taste in clothes…”

You playfully batted at his chest, “None of those things are what a daughter wants to share with her mother.”

He brought you into his arms, “But all of those things are lovely, including the stubbornness. Strong people have a stubborn side, the good kind.”

“Mmhm,” you hummed, “Nice save.”

Then he looked down at midsection and chuckled again, “Are these pants no longer comfy?”

Rolling your eyes with a smile, you broke free and began walking back to the living room, “No, they’re fine. I just had a huge lunch today and I needed to let our poor baby breathe. I went out with the girlfriends.”

“Oh,” he was thankful for some pleasant news as he followed you, “That’s great, baby. I’m sure they were a good distraction.”

“Yeah,” you sighed, plopping down on the larger sofa and stretching out, “For a little bit anyway. Today still wasn’t the best, as you could imagine. Chaeyoung and I went to speak with Minjun, actually. Her idea, not mine.”

Jimin sat down beside you and lifted your legs onto his lap to begin a light massage of your calves, “I’m aware. He called me afterwards. I think it’s good that they are aware of her current situation. He’s going to try and contact them. If, against all odds, it turns out that they had nothing to do with the story, he may ask them to put out a statement of their own.”

“Oh…How would you feel about that?”

He looked up at the ceiling as he thought of the right words to say, “I guess I’m not sure. I want this to be cleared up. And while I’m not super comfortable with Seoyeon speaking up, if it will put out this fire, then I’ll take it. Believe me, this affects the company enough that they will do anything to disprove it.”

You nodded, placing your hands on your bump, “That was definitely made clear in the statement. In one sense, I’m glad to hear it. But it also makes me worry even more about what they will do when we have to tell the truth. Not with me, but with you.”

He smiled at you softly, “You don’t need to be concerned with that. Whatever happens can be handled. We’ve made it this far, haven’t we?”

His comfort was infectious to you, making you ease up. A gentle grin to mimic his spread across your face, “We have.”

“You and me, my love. That’s what we do. We make it through anything that gets thrown our way.”

You would have replied with some sweet thing, but that was postponed when your unborn child kicked, and you felt it against your palm. It was like a tap.

Eyes, widening, you gasped, “Jimin, come here. Quick!”

Curious, he scooted closer to you, lifting your legs off of him to allow more space. The taps kept occurring as you sat up, grabbing his hand. You swapped yours for his on your belly.

“Feel it?”

The two of you only had to wait a few seconds before the baby’s movements made another appearance. You felt it from the inside, him from the outside.

His face was pure glee, “Finally!”

“Thanks for showing up for us today,” you cooed down to your belly, “You’re becoming such a little squirmer.”

“Keep going, little one,” the father coached, “Come on, one more. Good job!”

You laughed, “All of the sudden he’s so eager to please.”

“She is eager to please.”

You sighed and looked down at your bump again, “Mommy and Daddy can’t seem to agree on whether you’re a boy or girl…We also can’t seem to pick a name for you. Or build you a nursery. Or buy you clothes and all the diapers we can get our hands on.”

Jimin chuckled as the kicking ceased, lifting your shirt so he could place a warm kiss to your bare flesh, “We will do all of that in good time.”

“Well I hate to say it, but the ‘good time’ might be now. Especially for the nursery. That will take time, which is something you don’t have a lot of.”

He smirked, sitting up, “I’ll make time. Why don’t we start taking things out of the guest room this weekend? Then you can pick a new color for the wall and I’ll get the guys to help me paint.”

You hummed in satisfaction, pulling your shirt back over your tummy, “I like the sound of that.”

"I'm glad, because I do have a tiny bit of sad news that you won’t like the sound of."

"Nothing could be worse than the bomb that was dropped on us yesterday," you said, "What is it?"

He went back to massaging your legs, "I'm afraid I won't be able to take you out on a discreet date anytime soon. Now that there's a rumor about me getting someone pregnant, I don't like the risk of showing up to even the most respectful places. You look too pregnant now, baby."

You nodded, "I know. Honestly, even if none of the Seoyeon stuff was happening, it wouldn't be a smart idea anyway."

His heart was burning with disappointment on your behalf. He remembered how important it was to you to be able to do those things, and now the opportunity had been totally squandered, for the time being. You had to go back to absolute secrecy - no exceptions.

Jimin lamented, "You know I think you deserve so much more, right baby?"

You caught the hint of shame, "I know it, Jimin."

The following day was more of the same - you went into work while Jimin stayed home.

Giving you a sense of deja-vu, Chaeyoung came into your office once again, as you were getting situated at your desk. Most days, you were happy to start your work day with a friendly chat, but the circumstances were squeezing the patience out of you.

There was something odd about her carriage this morning. She looked a smidge distraught, and fully shut the door behind her.

“Morning, Chae,” you sighed as you sat down, trying not to sound irritated, “What’s up?”

She sat in one of the smaller chairs, “Nothing, just wanted to see how you’re doing.”

You paused and looked at her directly, nerves ticking upward, “I’m fine. Why, do I look off today?”

“Other than the typical pregnancy look, no.” she said.

You smiled, “Ouch.”

“I just wanted to apologize for yesterday,” she folded her hands in her lap, “You were clearly uncomfortable going up to Management and I kind of forced you. Sorry. I shouldn’t have pressured you to stick out your neck like that.”

“Oh,” your grin grew more genuine, “Thanks for saying that. It’s alright, I promise. I guess it just felt like something I shouldn’t do. Not my business, you know?”

Chaeyoung narrowed her eyes just the slightest bit for the shortest second, before nodding along, “Honestly, a part of me felt that way too. But I wanted to do something small that could help Jimin. I guess I sort of view all the guys as friends and I hate thinking about what he’s going through right now.”

You were detecting a change in her demeanor and naturally became more cognizant of your word selection, “They aren’t our friends in the traditional way, but I see where you’re coming from. I feel for him too.”

She said nothing for a moment, causing a bundle of nerves to take root in the pit of your stomach. You just had to make it through this weird conversation, you told yourself, and then you could go about your day.

Unfortunately for you, your colleague seemed to be in a curious mood today.

Chaeyoung leaned forward a little, lowering her voice despite the door being closed, “Yes…It’s easy to tell that you care about him.”

Your stomach did a flip. You felt your face flush, which only fueled your apprehension, making you paranoid that your nerves were on fully display.

You laughed uneasily, “Is it? How so?”

“I don’t know,” she sighed, leaning in a bit more, “You just appear to enjoy your interactions with him in the studio.”

You were wiggling your ankle under your desk, “I do, actually. He’s kind and funny. Everyone feels that way about him. I mean, you can’t deny that you do.”

“No, he’s a very pleasant person to be around,” she replied, “All I’m saying is you’ve…developed an affinity for him, right?”

It was taking all of your will to summon composure, “Chae, what are you insinuating?”

She said nothing for a moment, but then she smiled, “I guess I really don’t know. I’ll leave you to it.”

Then she got up and started towards the door. You felt some relief, but there’d be a lingering dread. Now it was evident that someone at work had gotten suspicious of you and Jimin. You were eagerly waiting for her to exit the office, so you could let out a panicked sigh and let yourself react.

And then she halted, and turned back towards you.

Her face was almost in a state of a wince, taking no pleasure in any of this.

She started back towards you and plopped back into the chair, “Actually, no. I’m very sorry, Y/N, but I need to talk to you about this.”

“A-About what?” you kept up the act for as long as you could.

Chaeyoung’s expression hardened, “You know.”

Again, you spackled on a grin, “I truly have no idea.”

Then she reached across your desk to grab your hand, “You’re shaking. You can tell me. It’s okay.”

The realization that she most likely knew the truth was starting to sink in. For whatever reason and against your wishes, your eyes pricked with tears.

“I don’t know what you’re alluding to.”

Her tone softened, as if she pitied you, “You love him, Y/N.”

A tear rolled down your cheek, “I-I-”

“And he loves you,” she nearly whispered, “He’s the father of your baby. It’s okay. You don’t have to keep it from me anymore.”

Finally, you exhaled and gave up. You knew you should have kept lying, but you couldn’t help the desire to have some of this tremendous weight lifted from your shoulders.

You sniffled, wiping under your eyes, “How did you know?”

She smiled gently, “I wasn’t sure for a while. You guys do enjoy your interactions, but I was convincing myself that he’s just like that with everyone. But when I found out you’re pregnant, it clicked. Especially since you’ve never told me anything about the father.”

“Right…” you were still processing, “Please don’t tell a soul. You know what will happen.”

Sadly, she nodded, “I know. I can only assume that it’s the reason why you’re having health problems. I can’t imagine how difficult this has been for both of you. You have my word that I won’t utter a word.”

You shook your head, more tears falling, “I just told you this huge secret and you’re promising to keep it, just like that?”

She laughed lightly, “Of course. We’re friends. I want you to be well. Now we can finally talk about the fact that you’re having Park Jimin’s baby.”

You started to laugh through your tears, “Don’t say it too loud.”

“Sorry.” she lowered the volume.

“But why did you wait so long to confront me?” you asked.

She suddenly reverted back to being somewhat illusive, “Oh, I don’t know. I just got tired of you hiding it, after seeing the toll it’s taken on your health. I-I became more determined after you got sent home. I wanted you to have a friend here to, you know, vent to.”

You nodded, sniffling again as your emotions calmed, “I guess that makes sense. Thank you.”

“If you guys ever come clean,” she became more serious, “Can I trust that you won’t tell Management that I knew? They could fire me too, for knowing and not saying anything.”

“O-Of course,” you assured, “You’ve protected me all these months. I’ll protect you too. It’s the very least I can do to repay you.”

Then her face fell. You were perplexed yet again by her fluctuating moods. She crossed her arms over her torso in a self-embrace. Then she crossed her legs. It was the body language of someone who wasn’t saying everything. She was closing her body off, as if trying to conceal whatever had been left unsaid.

Nerves climbing, you tilted your head slightly, “Chae? What’s wrong? Does someone else know?”

She shook her head, looking like she wanted to sink into herself, “No, no…But there is something else I think I need to tell you.”

The suspense was holding you hostage, “What is it?”

Her emotional state escalated. She even checked to see that the door was indeed closed and locked, “I-I didn’t want to even tell you at first, but now I feel like I need to because it’s eating at me.”

Her timid energy rendered you speechless. You were at a point where you had to focus on your breathing. Your heart was racing, and you placed a hand on your chest to try to stabilize yourself.

“I did it…” Chaeyoung nearly whispered, “I’m the one who went to the press.”

You started to chuckle. It was hilarious.

“Come on,” you shook your head, “Don’t freak me out like that.”

“I did, though. I’m the source in the story,” she reiterated more calmly, “At the airport, I could tell that Seoyeon was putting the pieces together about you. It was in her eyes, and she clearly recognized that shirt she used to borrow from Jimin.”

Your gaze evolved into one of horror. She was really telling the truth.

“And then a couple weeks later, my husband told me that she’d spoken about you at their firm. She inquired about you to him, mentioning that you work with me. She was keen on asking if you were married or not. My husband told her you aren’t married and apparently that confirmed it for her.”

Your knees felt locked. Your chest was throbbing and you felt hot.

She went on, “Seoyeon isn’t trustworthy. I could feel that she was getting ready to exploit this. She was angling to go to the media herself, probably exposing you by name and perhaps even disclosing her own relationship with Jimin. It would have been crushing and so I decided to seize the initiative.”

You grew angrier, keeping your voice low, “You decided to what, do it yourself? So that you could be the one to cause all this mayhem? I-I don’t event know where to start. How could you?”

“I did it for your benefit,” she rushed, “I swear, Y/N.”

“Why did you take me through that whole song and dance about how you’ve known about us this whole time? Did you want to butter me up so I’d promise not to tell anyone about this??”

Your veins were surging with red hot blood. This was sending you over the edge, but it couldn’t be helped.

“No, of course not. Please listen.” she begged.

You shot up onto your feet and pointed to your door, warning her through clenched teeth so that you wouldn’t yell, “Leave now. I can’t bear to hear this anymore.”

She stood up too, desperately, “It was the right thing. If you could allow to me to explain, I promise you’ll see.”

You were infuriated now, your head pounding, hands shaking. You didn’t know whether to scream or burst into tears. Her actions had caused so much turmoil and damage, some of it irreparable. Because of her, there would likely always be some people who thought Jimin fathered another kid. This rumor would always be slung at him by rude commenters seeking to make a cruel dig. It would always follow him, and it would always follow you. And she, your own friend, was the culprit.

“I don’t want your…Y-Your explan…Explanation…”

Chaeyoung was remorseful and alarmed to watch you get increasingly unstable. Cheeks red, eyes slightly glassy. You swayed a little, experiencing a sensation as though you were floating off the floor. And then you collapsed onto it, losing consciousness.

“I don’t understand,” Jimin said, partially while biting on his finger, “How is this verified?”

Minjun was on the phone with him, delivering some confusing information, “I was able to speak with both of them, though she didn’t have too much to say. They are beside themselves, just like you are. They are going to call the same publication and make a joint statement, saying that the rumor is totally false and expressing their wish for this to die down. I have also ensured that there will be no mention of your previous relationship with her.”

“Wow…Sorry, this is not what I expected to hear. I was so convinced she was behind it,” he said, “She seemed troubled?”

“Very,” the manager confirmed, “She sounded as if she hadn’t gotten a lick of sleep. They also will be pursuing legal action.”

“I’m just so confused,” Jimin ran a hand through his dark hair, which was desperately in need of a trim, “Now I have literally no idea who it could have been.”

“My best guess would be that Seoyeon may have told those in her inner circle about you two. And maybe one of those people got the wrong impression.”

He hummed as he weighed the notion, “Could be. You don’t think it could be someone else at the company, do you? There would be a handful who would know that the two of us were together at one point.”

“We certainly won’t rule that out,” Minjun sighed, “But the risk for any employee of our would be too high. They’d have to be willing to put their job on the line for that.”

Jimin groaned, “None of this makes any sense…If either of those theories were true, then the individual would likely know that Seoyeon is married. And they’d have to create this story, probably knowing that it’s false. It would have to be a deliberate move. Whoever did this most likely lied, on purpose. Right?”

“I can see how that would be plausible,” the other man considered, “However, try not to deep dive into it. It’s our job to go down all the rabbit holes. The good news is, as soon as Seoyeon and Daejin release their statement, we will have gotten over the biggest hurdle. Once they dispute it, almost all of this will go away.”

Jimin was only partially listening as he concluded his sentence, his attention split by his phone buzzing. He was getting another call, but it was an unknown number. For obvious reasons, he declined to answer it.

The manager asked him, “You there?”

“Uh, yeah, sorry. Just had another random call come through.”

“No worries. I was just saying most of this will go away very soon. I’ll stay in touch.”

“Sounds good,” Jimin said, “I’d like to get back in the studio soon.”

“Within the next day or so, don’t worry,” Minjun chuckled, “Alright, take care.”

“Thanks. Bye.”

Almost as soon as he hung up, there was another incoming call. It was from Hoseok, so he accepted it with a sigh. He was probably just wanting to check in, being the good friend he was.

“Hey, Hobi.”

“Jimin,” his tone struck a different chord than anticipated, “I really don’t mean to pile onto your issues right now, but an ambulance came by the building. I’m on too high of a floor to see who was on the stretcher, but it kind of looked like a pregnant woman. Maybe you should check in on Y/N.”

It was the most unwelcome thought. A gap suddenly snapped within him, “I’ll call her right now. I have to go.”

There was no time to let Hoseok reply. He disconnected and called you immediately, heart knocking against his chest a little harder. When you didn’t pick up, the knock evolved into a batter.

Jimin called you several times over the next few minutes, each call ringing all the way through to your voicemail. That triggered even more panic, as if you were only in a meeting or something, it would have rung a couple times to be met with your rejection. The fact that it was ringing for that long each time gave the impression that you weren’t near your phone at all.

Then, a godsend, that same unknown number called him back.

Never, in any other case, would he think to answer a call from an unidentified source. This time, he felt like he had no choice.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Mr. Park. I’m calling from Seoul National University Hospital. We’ve received a Miss Y/N Y/L/N into our Emergency Unit.”

He felt like he could have been sick any moment, springing into panic mode. He hustled to get some shoes on and a jacket, “Oh my God…I-Is she alright?? What happened??”

“Her friend said she passed out at work,” the woman explained, “She has regained consciousness briefly, but has since gone back under. While you’re not her emergency contact, we were told by the friend that you should know immediately.”

He was hopeful and dreading that ‘the friend’ was Chaeyoung. He was glad to figure that you had someone who cared about you by your side, but painfully alarmed that Chaeyoung could have known to contact him. He could only imagine that it meant she suspected his involvement with you.

But that was secondary, for now. Jimin was shoving his feet into his sneakers, “I’m on my way.”

“When you arrive, make your way to the Maternity Wing. Fortunately for Y/N, her doctor is currently in the building. We are transferring her up there now.”

He barely understood. All he heard was ‘maternity wing’. His brain was moving a mile a second.

“Thank you, I’ll be there soon.”

It was impossible to hang up faster than he did. He bolted back and forth through the apartment for a few moments, forgetting his wallet and keys.

The drive to the hospital felt like hours. His mind was so clouded that it was a miracle he didn’t get into an accident. His only thoughts were of you. Even though he hadn’t been told that you were in critical condition, the woman on the phone didn’t say you were alright. He had no idea what to make of it, and that terrified him. Was the fainting spontaneous? Had you injured yourself? If you fell, could it have hurt the baby?

He parked a bit haphazardly in the lot, before storming inside. He had no mask on, no hat, no sunglasses. Totally recognizable with no room to care.

He rushed in and gave thanks to the universe that there was no one in-line. He had direct access to the receptionist, a woman who could have been close to his age.

Her wasted no time, and uttered a phrase that couldn’t have been more condemning, given the rumor that was swirling around.

“I need to find the Maternity Wing.” he said, slightly out of breath due to adrenaline.

The young woman’s eyes widened as she froze for a few seconds. It was then that Jimin became more aware of the drastic move he was making. He was standing, in a public hospital, frantic. It didn’t look good. And as soon as he made it to the right part of the building, it would do nothing to dispel his current predicament with the media.

The receptionist pulled her conduct together, “Y-Yes, you’ll want to head up to the third floor. The elevators are just around that corner over there. Once you’re off, take a right and you will see the entryway.”

The nervous wreck of a man nodded, “Thank you.”

Those behind the desk watched him as he hurried away, before gossiping amongst themselves about what had just happened.

Others in the lobby took notice of him as well, all of them too flabbergasted to even try to say anything to him. That was another gift from the universe - to not have to deal with over-excited fans in the middle of this.

Once off the elevator, he took a right as the right, just as the woman downstairs had said. When he saw the two large doors labeled with the right name, Jimin broke into a jog. He pushed open one of the doors and completed his journey to the next front desk.

More were shocked to see him there. He heard gasps and some whispering.

He made sure he kept his voice low, so hopefully no one would be able to hear your name, “I’m here for Y/N Y/L/N. I was just called.”

This woman did a better job of keeping a professional decorum, standing up, “Right, follow me please.”

Jimin couldn’t bear to look at his surroundings. He knew people were staring, and he was terrified of turning his head to see phones either taking pictures or recording him. There was no time to start to worry about the fallout. You and his little baby were somewhere on this floor, possibly hurting.

The door was opened for him. She said quietly, “Doctor Yoon will be in to check on her shortly. And don’t worry. If I have to, I will call security on anyone who may disturb your time.”

Once he caught the sight of you in that bed, his ears drowned out the sound of her voice. He wasn’t sure if he thanked her for doing him that act of kindness before the door was closed.

Chaeyoung was sitting in one of the side chairs, and suddenly Jimin’s overworked mind was split between dealing with her and his concern for you. He saw on her tear-soaked face that she knew the truth, so he didn’t bother saying anything to her.

He approached your bedside and pulled up a chair, eyes brimming with his own tears as he scanned your frame. His chest burned with hatred for what brought you to this point, your poor body filled with so much distress that it needed to give out for a while.

“She’s been in and out of sleep,” Chaeyoung said, “I’ll leave you to it.”

“Wait,” he looked up from your resting face to look at her, “How long have you known?”

She pursed her lips together before croaking, “A while. But I won’t say anything. I haven’t this far.”

He nodded slowly, “How did you get my number for them to call?”

She smiled a little, “Y/N thinks she’s been good at keeping secrets from me, including her phone password. I unlocked it and found your contact.”

Jimin inhaled slowly, and exhaled, “Thank you for your discretion. I don’t really know what else to say. You’ve looked out for her.”

Chaeyoung’s soft grin eroded, “I’ve tried, I really have.”

“When you walk out, please don’t say anything to anyone if they approach you…I fear I’ve just launched another frenzy. Worse, I don’t think I can make my way out of this one.”

The woman nodded, “I’m truly sorry.”

“Thank you, Chaeyoung.”

She seemed to float out of the room, almost in a daze. It intrigued him, but all outside thoughts flew from his mind when you began to stir.

Your eyes closed tighter for a second as you hummed, causing Jimin to wonder if you were in pain. Then they opened, taking notice of him instantly.

The man took your hand and brought it to his lips, “You scared the hell out of me. Everything’s going to be okay, sweetheart.”

“I have a headache.” you said, squinting a little, “These lights are so bright.”

Jimin breathed out a sigh of relief that you weren’t complaining of more serious pain, “I’ll turn them off.”

He rose from the chair and walked towards the door, flicking the switch to create a much dimmer atmosphere for you. It soothed your forehead and eyes right away.

“I…” your voice was small, “I don’t understand. How did you find out?”

He offered you a smile sitting back down, “Chaeyoung apparently knows your phone password and had them call me.”

“She didn’t just call you herself?” you asked, “W-Why? Did she leave? Jimin, y-you can’t be here. Were you noticed?”

He put his hand on your belly, “Yeah, she left. And I don’t know, baby. That’s not important right now.”

“But-”

“Not important,” he offered you a soft, forced smile, “Don’t waste an ounce of your energy on what people may or may not have noticed. It’s only us, our little family.”

You nodded and placed your own hand on your belly, right next to his, “Did she tell you what happened?”

“Not exactly, she just said you’ve been drifting in and out of sleep. You passed out, right?”

Tears began to form in your eyes as you prepared to tell him what you had learned, lips quivering, “Jimin-”

He leaned forward to kiss your forehead and your cheeks several times, unable to withstand the sight of you like this, “Don’t cry. I know you’re worried about the baby. They said Doctor Yoon will be here any minute to make sure you’re both alright.”

On cue, the door unlatched and Doctor Yoon walked in.

Your attentive, inwardly petrified boyfriend put on a brave smile for you, “See?”

Sensitive to your needs, the doctor left the lights off. There was enough natural light in the room to conduct her business. She had your chart on her arms, but took a minute to show cater to your emotional needs.

“I know,” she sighed, “Not the most relaxed situation. It’s okay. I’ve seen this occur more times than I can even count and all will be well.”

You and Jimin nodded, both of you worried for your little one.

“However,” Doctor Yoon sat down in her cushioned black stool, “I think we’ve reached a point where I need to start running some diagnostic tests. Given the way your blood pressure has increased, even on the meds, I want to test for preeclampsia.”

Jimin’s brain couldn’t compute what that meant. He blinked a couple times, “Sorry, for some reason I can’t remember what preeclampsia is.”

“Don’t apologize, that’s why you have a doctor,” she said, “Preeclampsia is basically just another word for persistent high blood pressure. The reason we want to check for it is because it negatively impacts the placenta, which is in charge of nourishing your baby with blood, oxygen, and food.”

Horrified, Jimin looked down at you to make sure you weren’t unraveling.

“What kinds of tests do you need to do?” you asked her.

“First of all, I want to check baby’s size. You’re at a point now where we should see baby growing quickly. If your placenta is being compromised, he or she would be a bit small for their age. Then I’ll take your blood and a urine sample, which I can have the results for in a day or two.”

The two of you continued to be situated in silence as the professional went about the room, preparing the ultrasound equipment. Jimin was holding your hand, his increasingly sweaty palm cupping your knuckle. You felt horrible that he was so clearly petrified, but was trying to hold it all together for you. It was admirable, but hard to watch.

To help him, you made a conscious effort to appear more relaxed. If you looked calm, perhaps he would feel more at ease. Exhaling on a deep breath, you let your shoulders drop.

Doctor Yoon scooted next to you, on the other side of the less than comfortable hospital bed. It was like a routine ultrasound - she had you clear some space on your bump so she could place some gel. The cool jelly was swiped in circles over your flesh in circular motions.

A few moments later, the heartbeat of your child filled the room, filling both of you with a tiny fraction of relief.

“Still sounds strong,” the woman smiled at you both, “That’s a good sign. And you don’t appear particularly swollen, which is also encouraging.”

You did your best not to sound shaky as you asked, “Does he or she seem small?”

“Let’s see…” she sighed, “At first glance, this looks like a very typical size. A tad on the small side, but that could very well be genetic, if either of you were small at birth.”

Your nervous boyfriend tried to lighten the mood, “I’m not known for being tall, so that could be on me.”

You laughed a little, making the image on the screen bounce.

Doctor Yoon kept making some clicks, “Yeah, I’m not seeing evidence of abnormal growth. Another positive sign. And I love seeing so much movement.”

“There’s been so much squirming lately.” you said.

She smiled as she turned off the machine and wiped your belly clean, “That’s what we want to see. I’ll go order those labs for you, just so we can be certain. Sit tight, you two.”

As Doctor Yoon stood, Jimin caught her attention. He took an upward stance, again putting forth the effort to sound collected, “Oh, before you walk out the door…”

The doctor tilted her head slightly, “Yes?”

“I apologize for any unwanted attention you may receive. Curious eyes.”

You had a lump in your throat and turned your head to the side, gazing at one of the gestational biology posters on the wall.

Doctor Yoon offered him reassurance, “Those folks aren’t my concern. You don’t need to worry about that.”

He resumed his place by your side, “Thank you.”

When the door shut and the two of you were alone once more, he let out a hefty sigh. His fingers traced over any remaining bits of the clear gel on your belly.

“We got over a couple hurdles at least, right little one? You look like you’ve grown to a good size, and your heart is still going strong.”

You began to tear up, “Jimin I need to tell you something.”

His first reaction to seeing you cry was to lean over and kiss your forehead. He wiped your tears away, “Shh, it’s alright. Please don’t cry, sweetheart. Whatever it is, we will work it out.”

“The reason I passed out,” you said, “Is Chaeyoung. She’s the one who went to the press.”

His body rejected the notion wholeheartedly, causing him to smirk a little, “No, that can’t be right.”

“It is,” you were deadly serious, eyes wide and alarmed, “She told me she did. She said it was to protect us, in some weird way.”

Any trace of nonchalance on Jimin’s face eroded. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to trust in such a ridiculous suggestion.

You went on, “I-I didn’t know it before, but her husband works with Seoyeon’s. Apparently she learned that Seoyeon had been trying to dig for more information about me. Remember how I told you I thought she recognized that t-shirt at the airport? I must have been right. Chaeyoung thought she was preparing to go to the media herself, and that by beating her to it with a different story, she’d be protecting us.”

He didn’t know whether to shout or spit.

“I…I-I don’t know what to…She told you this??”

You nodded, “She admitted it on her own.”

Body tense, Jimin shook his head, neck drawing downward. Now he was having to fight back his rage, on top of nerves for the wellbeing of you and his child.

He couldn’t understand. Chaeyoung had been nothing but a decent friend to you since you’d known her. Watching her be a friend to you had been a source of comfort for him - to know you at least had someone to take the heaviness off a smidge each day at work. He saw many instances of her care for you. This didn’t make sense.

“She did seem off when she left the room,” his voice sounded a little distant, “But I never could have imagined…this.”

Furious tears were flowing down your cheeks at this point, “H-How are you not angry?”

Jimin’s head snapped back up, giving you a glimpse of the tense muscles in his neck, “Don’t accuse me of that, baby. Of course I’m angry. I’m just in disbelief and I’m trying not to explode while you and our baby might be in trouble.”

“Sorry,” you sighed, “We should both try to remain calm. This is just…”

“Such a fucking betrayal.”

You gulped, “Yeah.”

Jimin inhaled through his nose, lips tightly glued together and eyes closed. When he opened them, he saw your doe-like expression. You were being put through the wringer.

“One thing at a time,” he said, though you weren’t sure if he was trying to fortify you or himself, “We will find out what’s going on with you first. I’ll deal with Chaeyoung later.”

The way the latter sentence spewed from his lips carried disgust.

The man was exasperated, face planting into his palms. His fingers rubbed over his brow in circles before running all the way down, pulling his cheeks with them. He released a quiet groan.

“I’ll deal with her,” Jimin muttered once more, “I promise.”

“It looks like we are going to be forced to deal with ourselves before we can take any action. You were probably seen out there, Jimin. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are cameras waiting to greet us when we leave this room.”

He nodded begrudgingly, placing his hand on your belly again. The child inside you tethered him to what little composure he had left.

“We’re out of time.”

The words shook you to your core, despite the fact that it wasn’t his intention. Jimin had been so stolid in front of you this entire journey. Even though you knew it to be true already, to hear him voice genuine dread was rattling.

You remained in the hospital for a while longer, most of that time spent waiting for Doctor Yoon to return to perform your labs. Thoughtfully, she knew the two of you would prefer to have her do them herself, rather than have some random nurse practitioner waltz in.

As you were getting your blood drawn, Jimin made a call to his security. By the way his side of the conversation was sounding, you could tell his guard had questions, but he was giving no direct answer. All he kept saying was that he should meet at the hospital. Jimin explained that he’d parked in the main lot and would probably need assistance with the exit. You could only imagine how confused this poor security guard was, not being given all the details. Your boyfriend was trying to protect your identity for as long as he could.

Before you were mentally ready, the labs were completed. There would be a wait period of a couple days before results would come in, and in the meantime, you were to take it easy. Until given further notice, you were officially on bed rest. And now it was time to step out into the world, and, most likely, a totally new reality.

Jimin helped you out of bed once he had received word from security. Doctor Yoon bid you farewell and offered some kind words, and then left you to it.

“Alright baby,” he sighed, “We’re going to walk out the door and keep our heads low. There may be some people pointing their phones at us and whatnot, but I don’t think they’ll ask questions. Usually when people see me in public unexpectedly, they don’t make comments. We will head straight to the elevator and my guard will meet us in the lobby. Have you met him before?”

“N-No,” you replied, “I’ve probably seen his face before though.”

“Good enough…I feel like now would be a good time to ask you if you’re ready, but that’s probably a silly question, huh?”

You nodded, keeping your tears locked behind your lower lid, “I’m definitely not ready…I’m not ready for this to be out there. To lose my job. For all of your fans to know who I am, and probably hate me.”

Jimin’s soul winced. He gently took your face into his hands, eyes bearing into your depths. His voice was soft, a little raspy, “Before we walk out there, I need you to know something.”

You hummed, holding his wrists in place to keep the comfort of his palms present.

His dark eyes glistened over, “I need you to know that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, inside and out. You have a creative mind and a sharp wit, and you make people around you happy. So many people rightfully adore you, baby. I adore you, desperately. I and all those others will still be around after today. You have me, your mom, my parents, the guys, the other girlfriends.”

On the verge of tears, you gave him a small grin, “Why are you saying all of this?”

He kissed your forehead, “Because I want you to know that no matter what transpires from what we are about to do, you still have a village. And I’m damn lucky to be in it.”

You smiled a little wider, but it didn’t fully run up to your eyes. Then you released his wrists from your light grasp and placed your hands on the bottom of your bump, “And we still have the most precious gift to look forward to.”

Jimin captured your lips tenderly, “We are blessed, sweetheart. Even if it doesn’t always feel that way.”

Part of you felt convicted by that. Perhaps, despite everything, you could’ve shown more gratitude for the life you had.

“I know we are,” you sighed shakily, still filled with nerves, “And I’m damn lucky to have you. I love you so much.”

He kissed you again, “I love you too. I guess we’re postponing the inevitable at this point. You okay to leave? Need another minute?”

You wanted to have an excuse to stay.

“I’m alright. We should go. The longer we wait, the more the word may spread and the more people might be anticipating.”

Jimin took your hand and started towards the door.

“W-Wait,” you stammered, “You want to be holding hands in front of them?”

The man chuckled in that special way he always did to make light of tricky circumstances.

“I suppose an upside to this situation is that we no longer have to pretend?”

A second genuine yet apprehensive smile spread minimally on your face as you held his hand a little tighter. He mirrored your expression for a moment, before turning to the door again. Both of you took a breath as he placed a hand on the door handle, pushing it down and applying pressure to open it.

The pair of you stepped out into a silent hallway. Head low, you started to wish that people were speaking. The quiet speculation was way more uncomfortable than you could have foreseen. There were whisperings as you both walked with as much discretion as possible. Camera sounds too, undoubtedly coming from people’s phones.

Your skin felt hot and your chest buzzed as you walked slightly behind your boyfriend, allowing him to guide you. This moment was beyond surreal. You were in public, openly holding hands with him. It was nothing short of a declaration. All of the sudden, you felt painfully conscious of your protruding belly.

Jimin’s heart weighed a ton in his ribcage. Though this exact situation was brand new to him, he at least had gone through familiar things more times than he could count. He’d mastered the art of keeping his face even, posture and gait normal. And he was determined to make this time no different. After all, he wasn’t ashamed of you and the baby in your womb - why would he give them the impression that you were a scandal?

The elevator ride down carried two other individuals, but they were both a bit older and seemed not to notice or care who Jimin was. When the doors slid apart at the end of the ride, unveiling a crowded lobby of people, you clenched your boyfriend's hand tighter.

His security guard, whose face was familiar but whose name escaped you, was standing right by the elevator, prepared to lead you both out to his car. He was the only other person you were willing to make eye contact with. This man was pretty tall and big, with a somewhat perplexed expression when he saw you.

This uneasy glance lasted a split second, before Jimin muttered to him with haste, "Don't worry. You'll get an explanation soon enough, along with the rest of the world."

Out of the corner of your eye, you caught some people approaching you with their phones pointed, taking photos or recording. You began to feel a little woozy again, a stint of dull nausea that would never come to fruition forming in your gut.

Too afraid to even whisper his name, you gave Jimin's hand a small tug.

He looked back at you and saw it immediately. Your eyes looked droopy - you were feeling off again.

He turned his head back to the security guard, using a low mumbling voice again, "Come on, I need to get her home. Now."

The rest of the walk to the car was a blur. You concentrated on your steps and your breath, trying to keep yourself from becoming too lightheaded. Whatever was going on around you came second.

Once out in the fresh air, it got easier to not feel as suffocated, although some people followed you guys out into the parking lot. You heard their footsteps behind you. The security guard, doing his job correctly, saw that hardly anyone was near Jimin and faltered back to stand closer to you, ensuring no one would be able to touch you.

Not soon enough, you were in his car, which thankfully had tinted windows. You were both able to release pent up puffs of air, secluded from view. For the first time throughout this experience, you looked directly at the people, since they couldn’t see you. There was a swarm of them with their rectangular devices, lenses seizing their prey.

“There are many of them…” you observed.

Jimin sighed, “Yeah, that ought to cause a stir. How do you feel? Okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” you said, “I just want to get home.”

He started the vehicle, “I’ve got you, sweetheart. Both of you. We’ll be home soon. And then I’ll probably get phone calls from everyone I know.”

#jimin x reader #bts #angst #fanfic #jimin #park jimin #romance #bts fanfic #bts fic #jimin fluff #jimin fic #jiminie #jimin bts #jimin fanfic

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wutheringmights · 8 months ago

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Okay I’ve been trying to put my thoughts together on this for a while. I would really like to hear about the matriarchy vs patriarchy in your Hyrule.

I mean, so. In the most recent chapter we heard a bit about the royal family, the queen of Hyrule seemingly was the face of the crown, with the king potentially being a less public figure, several daughters were born, and died until current Zelda was born. The king didn’t seem to think it was a bad thing that the last child of his late wife was a girl. So, obviously a woman can lead, and is allowed to rule the kingdom, although not uncontested, that may just be a facet of a power hungry kingdom.

This leads into the Shiekah, absolutely a matriarchy the militarist and spiritual leader (who is seemingly usually the same person) is assumedly always a woman, Impa. The Shiekah always serve the crown.

The generals of Hyrule as far as I can tell consist majorly of men and to my memory there is no named female generals, and, there are no female solders. Yes, there are Zora and sheikah “soldiers” but these are lent soldiers from different nations. At the start of the story the draft is specifically mentioned to draft every man older than fifteen. Meemaw’s sons both enlisted in the war, one was drafted the other seemingly enlisted himself. Kat was not enlisted. Of course it was only required for one son to enlist at the start of the war, and near the second Kat was unlikely to be forced to fight due to her condition. There are mainly woman and children in the civilian camp, the wives and family of enlisted soldiers. When Legend was in hiding he hid in the civilian camp and was a woman. Which to me implies that it is less suspicious to be a woman in the camp then a man. Which again to me implies that a woman is less likely to be drafted then a man. Which makes me believe that the draft is not applied to woman.

Now, the knights of Hyrule most certainly have woman amongst their ranks, but the knights seem to be more voluntary then the army. And! Feature many other nations in their ranks. Zora, Gerudo, and Goron, all have major roles within this organization.

Okay, maybe this is less of a question and more of an analyzes of the gender roles in the military of Hyrule .

I Do have a question at the end of this though!

Are woman allowed in the army? And if they are is it voluntary? Or are they drafted just the same as men?

Sorry if my phrasing is weird, I’ve maybe put too much thought into this! Thank you!!!<3<3<3

My initial vision for the Hyrule in CTB was for it to be very, very sexist society. I ended up curbing back that idea because I realized that I was the only person on the planet who wanted to see a shit ton of sexism in their loz fic.

Instead, Hyrule is a patriarchy in a post-feminism society. There was once a heavy amount of sexism affecting daily life that, while not blatant now, still makes the foundations of Hylian culture. Draft laws were made when there was a larger gender disparity. They have not been changed because, well, deep down no one wants to force women to go to war. The cultural value is still there even as society has become more equal.

That means that there are no female soldiers, and ergo no women in the upper brass. If a Hylian woman wants to join the military, she has to join the medical team or be in the support staff.

Gender roles are more rigid among Hyrule's elite, with men taking most positions of power. Respectable women are expected to spend their time in more traditionally feminine ways, such as managing an estate or charity. Gender roles are less rigid outside of the upper class. Some members of the middle class emulate the elite's rigidity, while others embody a freer perspective. Nearly every lower class woman works for a living, but there are some men who nonetheless idealize the subservient housewife. Not much different from life nowadays.

(I wanted to have Linkle be a budding feminist who had a really flat, naive view of what it meant to be feminist. For example, she would complain that women should be included in the draft so that women would be treated as equals, not that no person deserves to have their right to life taken by the government; I ended up needing to use Linkle's screen time for matters relating to the plot. That being said, a modern day Linkle would unironically have Notorious RBG merchandise.)

All that's to say that Hyrule is a fairly strict patriarchy. The way Zelda and the women of the Royal Family obtain "power" has less to do with any actual power and more to do with her function as a figurehead.

Because Zelda is Hylia incarnate, strict expectations of purity and goodness is imposed onto her. She has to be a madonna-like figure. Failure to embody this idealized femininity is not acceptable. As long as she conforms to this image, she has some influence. But if she ever dares to stray, she's is to be punished if not formally then socially. She would not only be a failure, but a pariah.

Because the monarchy's right to rule is derived from Hylia's bloodline, the crown can be passed on to anyone of any gender, decided by birth order. A son is preferred, but passing the crown onto the husband of the eldest Zelda is traditional. Queens can hold the throne, and there is a precedent of princesses becoming the primary monarch with their spouses regulated to consort.

However, that decision is based on politics. A princess who wants to be the primary monarch would have to campaign among the nobles to ensure that there will be no dissent. Some princesses train their entire lives to rule the kingdom independently. Other princesses plan on finding an advantageous partner who would become king while they manage more religious duties. And even more princesses are married off in their parents' political schemes.

Above all, the bloodline of Hylia has to stay on the throne. As long as there is an heir to inherit and produce more heirs, all is well. Twilight's Zelda married another woman, which was controversial because she would not be able to produce an heir within her marriage; she did not declare an heir before her passing in order to avoid an upset in court politics; her reign was quickly followed by a period of unrest as the nobles with vague royal ties made claims as to having the most of Hylia's blood within their family line. (I mentioned all that somewhere before; if not in CTB, then on this blog somewhere.)

But that's just the Hylians. The other tribes of Hyrule have different gender standards. (The Gerudo and Gorons more or less have one gender each, so we'll skip them.)

Rito are the most egalitarian of the tribes, mostly by way of being less of a cohesive group and more of a collection of nomadic flocks.

The Zora have a similar gender inequality as the Hylians, albeit slightly stricter. Zora woman had a higher social expectation to marry and product children. While working outside of the home is possible, it's seen as temporary step before marriage. Though, with their extended lifespans, most Hylians do not live to see when Zora women leave the workforce to become house wives; it's a common misconception among liberal Hylians that the Zora have a more egalitarian society. (In story, Orlanda complained that her parents still expected her to give up knighthood in favor of setting down and becoming a mother.)

The Sheikah are the true all-genders-being-equal culture (which is balanced out by the cultist ideology imposed on the members of the tribe). The head of the clan, Impa, is traditionally a woman because she is expected to be the handmaiden of Hylia incarnate. If there are no female heirs to Hylia's bloodline living, it is possible for a man to become the head of the tribe. He would shed his mortal identity and become Impaz.

And finally, let's talk the Knights of Hyrule. Believe it or not, but the issue of the clan's inclusivity has less to do with gender and more with race. Because the clan originated as a bloodline, women would have been expected to serve the clan in some form, with the sporadic woman achieving knighthood. Over hundreds of years, this became more frequent until it was a regular occurrence.

The clan opened up to non-Harkinians around 150 years ago in a bid to bolster the dying clan's numbers. Fifty years after that, the clan allowed non-Hylians. The knights were perceived as being a second-Sheikah clan that existed only to terrorize non-Hylians. Great-great-etc. grandparent of Warriors opened the clan to the other tribes in a bid to prevent the monarchy from stripping the clan of power or disbanding them entirely.

Gradually, non-Hylains rose in the ranks before becoming knights themselves. The speed and frequency depended entirely on the current Master Knight's beliefs. The clan was long integrated by the time Lincoln took power, but he has a goal to switch either the Knight of Forest or the Knight of Light to another non-human, preferably a Rito.

#sometimes i am asked a world building question and the answer is a sheepish 'i did not think that far ahead my dude'#but this is a rare time where the answer is 'i actually put a lot of thought into lore that will never reach the page'#assuming hyrule would have to be a matriarchy because of the hylia thing kinda irks me? I've seen people argue it before and like #i totally get it but at the same time there is sexism built into the hyrule we see in the games. it is already more complicated than 'we #defeated sexism because god is a woman'#all that's to say thank you for asking. i could talk about this shit all day #me rambling #lu ctb #ask #linked universe #ctb lore #kiwibirdkiwi

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