#this song hits hard

[bookworm-center]

Hey! Idk if you’re still accepting requests for one shots but here it goes

Y/N was one of the crows for some time now and to everyone she always seemed happy or unfazed by the bad things.

She usually goes to the roof right in front of Kaz’s door and just sings her heart out and this time she sang her own song (The pretender by Lewis Capaldi) what she didn’t know was Kaz was listening from his desk

And maybe some fluff after she sees him? Idk

Kaz Brekker x Fem!Reader

Fake A Smile

In which one of the Crows is not as happy and carefree as she seems.

Author's Note: Oh I am so down to do this! I am still accepting requests, I just might be a little slower than I was before. I did kinda change your request, I hope it still works. I made the lyric lines smaller since I put a lot of them. Yeah, it's sorta long cause I got carried away... So sorry this took forever!

I will be your shoulder to cry on

I will make you laugh if you need

I will play the part if you say so

Yeah, I'll be anybody but me

There's a smile plastered on Y/n's face. It's so obviously fake to anyone really paying attention, but no one notices. Not the pigeons, going about their day, not the Dregs, scamming those poor pigeons, not even the Crows, her closest friends. Kaz Brekker doesn't even notice, despite taking pride in his attention to detail. She laughs along to Jesper's jokes, however bad they are, lends a shoulder to those in pain. She plays the role of a happy, carefree Crow so perfectly that even her friends don't see through her act.

To tell you the truth, I'm a mess, I'm a fool

You don't know that

And you never will

In my mind, it's instilled not to show that

It's funny that Y/n can be so happy and kind in Ketterdam, the home of the cruel. It's funny that inside she's crumbling apart and can't risk anyone knowing. Ketterdam has engraved its cruelty into her mind, and she refused to let anyone see. Brokenness in the Barrel means weakness and Y/n wouldn't allow herself to be seen as weak.

I spend almost all of my time

Feeling like I'm falling even further behind

And I know I'm so good at seeming

Like I'm not on the edge of a knife

I'm the pretender, what can I tell ya?

Designed to deceive

So tell me who you want me to be

Thoughts circle around Y/n's head as she climbs up to the roof of the Slat. She's not Inej-sneaky, though it doesn't really matter since she's not the Wraith for a reason. Y/n's a Crow, no doubt about that, but she wasn't skilled like them. She wasn't a Grisha, wasn't a sharpshooter, wasn't druskelle. She wasn't the Wraith, wasn't a demo expert and definitely wasn't Dirtyhands. She was just... Y/n L/n. She was the ordinary in a group of extraordinary, the touch of reality to their magical fantasy.

I can wear a million faces

'Cause I don't like the one underneath

Always found it easy to fake it

Yeah, I'll be anybody but me

It takes her a little while but Y/n finally reaches the roof, and then and only then does she tear away her facade. Tears stream down her cheeks, her sobs coming loud and unbidden and all she can do is sit there and cry. Then, once the tears aren't so bad anymore, she starts singing. The words she sings are shaky and her voice cracks between every few words, but right now it doesn't matter because right now she doesn't have to be perfect. Right now, she just needs to get her emotions out in the form of the song that's been cultivating in her mind for that last few months.

To tell you the truth, I'm the fraud in the room

And I know that

But you never will

In my mind, it's instilled not to show that

Kaz hears something from the roof. As per usual, it's Y/n singing. Kaz redirects his attention back to his work but then notices the difference in Y/n's voice. It's not the usual cheery song or Kerch working tune or even an old Ravkan song Nina had taught her. This song is filled with so much heartfelt emotion and sadness and pain that Kaz can't help but listen closer. After all, he may be the Bastard of the Barrel, but he's just a man, just a human whose heart aches for the person he loves.

I spend almost all of my time

Feeling like I'm falling even further behind

And I know I'm so good at seeming

Like I'm not on the edge of a knife

I feel like everything I do is a lie

And all the words just further pull the wool over eyes

I know I'm no good at being who I am away from the light

I'm the pretender, what can I tell ya?

Designed to deceive

So tell me who you want me to be

The door to the roof slams open. Y/n quickly cuts herself off, brushes away her tears and stands. She can already tell who it is by the rap of their cane but she needs a couple of seconds to collect herself. Kaz stops beside her, looking out at the horizon rather than at her.

"Kaz! Wasn't expecting to see you here!" Y/n turns her head away, just to make sure Kaz can't see any lingering tears. "Is there a new job you need me for?" The question hangs in the air. Kaz doesn't answer, doesn't even look her way. "Kaz?"

"That song. It's a new one isn't it?" He noticed her singing. It wasn't like she'd been singing quietly, but she hadn't thought he would notice. A new one? He must have been listening every time she'd come up here and she didn't even know. Maybe he had been paying closer attention than she gave him credit for... "Y/n. What's going on?"

It takes everything Kaz has for him to even ask the question and this time Y/n is the one who doesn't answer. How can she, when this is Kaz Brekker she's talking to? Kaz Brekker, the heartless Bastard of the Barrel, the infamous Dirtyhands? He wouldn't understand.

"Y/n. Answer me."

"Why?" Y/n can't help her outburst. She's been bottling this up for far too long. "Why does it matter?"

Kaz may be good with negotiations, but he's terrible at anything emotional. "I protect my investments."

Y/n scoffs. It's so unlike the Y/n Kaz is used to, but he honestly doesn't care because at least now she isn't hiding behind a mask. "Is that all I am to you? An investment?" She almost starts to walk off when Kaz's cane blocks her path.

"You're an investment." Before Y/n can interrupt in a fit of fury, he continues talking. "To the stock market, an investment is more valuable than a treasure. To the stock market, an investment is something that keeps rising in value. To the stock market, an investment is something that means the world to them. Without an investment, the stock market would crash and burn." With every word Kaz says, every word that is practically a confession of love from his mouth, Y/n steps closer until she's in front of him.

She doesn't move too close, she knows that he isn't good with touch, but she's close enough that she can see the little golden flecks in his coffee brown eyes, close enough that she can see his lips curl into a just-barely smile. "I get the feeling we aren't talking about the actual stock market." Y/n whispers.

"No. We aren't." And to both of them, that's as close of a confession as they are going to get.

And no, this doesn't heal the hurt in either of their hearts, it doesn't make Jordie any less dead or Ketterdam any kinder, but at least now they have a little place of safety. At least now they have a place where they don't have to pretend, where they don't have to fake strength or fake a smile.

[atlas-affogato]

I'M PRETTY SURE AS HUMANS GO

I AM A HARD HARD PILL TO SWALLOW

AND I KNOW I'M NOT YOUR INTENDED DOSE

[divine-feminines-blog]

Sinéad O'connor, nothing compares 2 U

[positively-peachy-143]

STRAWBERRY LEMON CORRECTED I WANNA LEMON LIME FROM A NEW PERSPECTIVE 🖤💔🥀🌘🌧🎧

[princessskye09]

what have I become, now that I've betrayed

everyone I've ever loved, I pushed them all away

and I have been a slave to the Judas in my mind

is there something left for me to save

In the wreckage of my life, my life

[allhailhu4l]

"If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain? 'Cause I remember everything. If I could help you forget, would you take my regrets? 'Cause I remember everything." - Five Finger Death Punch

[ijustwannadrawcrap]

AYO CATCH ME LISTENING TO THIS ON BLAST YO-

[the-fandom-abyss]

“Always thought that it'd be love

That was gonna mess me up

Didn't think it'd hurt this much

When best friends break up”

[humblebumble001]

This song makes me cry every time.😭💔

[idoltenshi]

What-

It's kinda like in the building from TCW..

But this song is fire 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Akan Yatsura The Bad Boyzzzzz !!!

[d4rkbloom]