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boonesfarmsangria · 4 months

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"X-Ray" - yes. good

"All in Your Rows" - skip

"Latchmere" - music is good, lyrics are dumb but the interview where orlando was like a wavepool was a big deal. Idk what kinda place you lived where its not. 👌

"About Your Dress" - this is better live than on record. could take or leave

"Precious Time" - love it. so great. with very good lyrics. glimpse of what theyd become

"O.A.V.I.P." - no. not now anyway

"Tissue Shoulders" - nah

"Happy Faces" - no

"First Love" - this song is cute but maybs also annoying

"Mary" - what

"Lego" - sad

"Toothpaste Kisses" - absolutely not

"Love You Better" - great. the cadence, starting w better and being big out the gate. so great. orlando has gotten the voice now and god bless

"One Hand Holding" - ok. lil too zydeco school cheerleader come on eileen

"Can You Give It?" - love it. his voice on this is ahhhhhh

"Young Lions" - this is a good maccabees song. like all the talents working together perfectly

"Wall of Arms" - yes please. so good live

"No Kind Words/Bag of Bones Part A" - this is a good turn and like the dark(er)ness

"Dinosaurs" - amazing

"Kiss and Resolve" - nah. sweetheart could never be said again and thatd be too much knowing it had been said before

"William Powers" - good

"Seventeen Hands" - fine

"Bag of Bones Part B" - love it

look tbf i have no idea whats being said in a fair few of these like i just read the last line of seventeen hands and what the hell ?

"Given to the Wild (Intro)" - good way to open

"Child" - beautiful

"Feel to Follow" - good. like the casually here remix and vocals better and have now realized that song was the first time i am aware of hearing orlandos voice*. and have since learned those were special re-recorded vocals. this version feels almost draggy *this is absolutely false. i already was in love with a quickening when i first heard this remix

"Ayla" - music on this with the lyrics is choice

"Glimmer" - maybs top 3 of theirs for me. so pretty

"Forever I've Known" - or this. also so pretty. have had this stuck in my head for a couple days & the parts when the music comes in heavy, amazing. and his voice

"Heave" - Good but also kinda annoying and repetitive

"Pelican" - sure. fun and good live. like the lyrics

"Went Away" - this has such big 90s feel to it. its good but also dorky but i love the shouty ending and also sad

"Go" - love it. pretty. very pretty

Unknow (featuring Catherine Pockson)" - i love this one too. vocals are super intense and love the sentiment. think i saw somewhere it was an attempt at a dance or electronic song but its very late 80s early 90s synth sounding to me

"Slowly One" - too precious. i dont like this. and the music is weird with these lyrics. idk what the plan is here

*Grew Up at Midnight" - this is teenagery af but its very pretty and nails the emotion perfectly. its manipulative. could be in a movie

i think this might be their best album. and touches on more relationship types and circumstances. there is also the preoccupation with time which is interesting to me. like time having passed..time has passed by. things are past now

Marks to Prove It - love it. orlando is a sting like lyricist but he does it better. he has a more people centered way of looking at things. hes making characters. anyway yes love this one and the yelling at the beginning is apt

Kamakura"- yeah of course. cadence on this👌 your best friends forgive you your best friends forget you get old. this is one of those lines that can be interpreted two ways and both work and which is it

"Ribbon Road" - this like toothpaste kisses and another one i cant think of right now are so super weird in the full picture of their work. like what is this song? its so idk americana-ish, westerny idk. and kinda 50s-ish. its just strange. not, not good, but out of place

"Spit It Out" - big fan

"Silence" - :/ no. this is sad and some of the lyrics are cutting but as a song i just cant. knowing this was it (final album) i get it, but still

"River Song" - i think this song is great. and the big swelling end is how this song should go. this as a singalong would be fun so long as you had a decent amount of booze and disregard in your system. but this song is also a lil crazy right?

Slow Sun" - mixed on this. sometimes i like it and sometimes im just like shutup

Something Like Happiness" - gold

"WW1 Portraits" - is this their best song? the of course they do part. died. someone on genius said if someone wrote this about me i wouldnt know how to behave and that is too right

"Pioneering Systems" - this is a weird song

Dawn Chorus" - this and a couple others in this are getting very leonard cohen-ish or maybe lou reedish and im not feeling that.

impo you can do sad lyrics with upbeat music or happy lyrics with dark/sad sounding music but never happy & upbeat (cloying, saccharine) or dark & sad together (gimme a break). its just too Too. there exists songs that prove exceptions to the rule, of course there are. but they are rare and have to be very good.

Musically these guys are all over the place which maybe is why both people loved them and why people didnt love them. they are very broad. its like when an artist just does everything and its all good or interesting but no one cares and then theres an artist that paints the same shit over and over but its their developed style and people lap it up and they get famous. Im just making the point. But what is true of music that gets really really stratosphere popular is that it is samey. Theres enough deviation (sometimes) to keep it interesting but its mostly the same for that band/group/artist to have a hook and a cozy familiarity, a thing they do that is theirs. Maccabees have a few different handfulls of songs that really go together. you might really like what 4 songs do but not what any of the others do...and you might not ever get a fifth of that type of song...that make sense? and maybe thats why live i kept seeing a similar setlist over and over no matter which year. and maybe there wasnt a strong enough personality in the group to drive & hone the creative flow. a natural one, not an oppressive one. idk & it doesnt matter & i probably wont find out. what i do need tho is orlando to stop being so sweet (as a solo artist) because the quality of his voice conveys other emotions so beautifully. (ill win your heart with a woop a woo vs im a child to your voice) or stay away from bullion ffs

#maccabees #mitv #artists can do whatever the want and good for them #im just throwing out my preference #and saying what i need from an artist and that can be fulfillied by others #shame to lose that voice tho damn #and i have this collection so that ig #as an aside the entrenched setlist is the death of any band and its too bad too many get caught in it trying to make everyone happy #there has to be potential for an anything could happen energy #who knows what do i know. probs not enough

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libertineangel · 9 months

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Hey Clashblr, check these out

Since there's a few of you around now that are still getting into some of the deeper cuts, I thought I'd put together a post highlighting some of the oft-forgotten obscure material for you to check out. Gonna stick it under a cut, 'cause there's a fair bit and Youtube links take up a lot of space on the dash.

Fasten your seatbelts, hold onto your hats, let's go yeah?

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First up we have The Escapades of Futura 2000, lyrics by the man himself with music written & played by the Clash. Futura was the rapper on Overpowered By Funk, and also a graffiti artist who accompanied the band on the Combat Rock tour across the US painting stage backdrops live through the gigs. This particular upload is the 12" mix, which has a good extra minute over the version released last year on The People's Hall.

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Here we've got the complete double-sided 12" 19-minute experience of This Is Radio Clash - the track we all know and love to open, then the more commonly remembered B-side Radio Clash (almost identical, not quite the same), then things get real funky with Outside Broadcast, and Radio Five ties it all together. Those last two have never seen a reissue on any compilation whatsoever, probably the most obscure tracks in their entire official discography.

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This one's Robber Dub, a remix of Bankrobber from Mikey Dread (not to be confused with Rockers Galore, his other remix that actually features him on vocals). Featured on Super Black Market Clash but interestingly not in the "complete" Sound System box set, an omission that's always perplexed me.

Speaking of, I'd thoroughly recommend checking out both of the mentioned collections if you're not familiar, between Super Black Market & Sound System you've got every officially-released song other than those two Radio Clash extras - so, with that in mind, let's dive into the real offcuts that never even made it onto a record.

How's about seven and a half minutes of Topper playing around with a drumkit & piano to start us off? Some people still don't believe this is even The Clash, that someone scrounged up some random sounds and stuck it on a bootleg, but that's bollocks because I'm pretty sure bits of it ended up in Hell W10, their endearingly crap short film from '81 (watch it here, it's a 50-minute London crime drama). What people are wrong about is that it was ever going to be on Rat Patrol From Fort Bragg, because this is the real tracklist; relatedly, there's alternate mixes of most of those tracks around if you care to look for them, they're not hard to find, except for the high-quality acetate rip that surfaced two years ago that has been scrubbed off the face of the fucking internet, from the 20 minutes I just spent searching it seems even Internet Archive wasn't able to withstand the might of CBS. Anyway...

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OK, so technically this one has made it to a record, but that record was the Vanilla Tapes bonus disc of the 2004 reissue of London Calling, it never actually got beyond demo stage. Honestly I doubt they ever really expected or intended it to, sounds to me like the band having fun in the studio, but fun it is. There's actually a few demo-only Vanilla Tapes tracks I could stick here, but this is long as fuck already so instead I will simply give you the lot to peruse at your leisure.

Sticking with demos that eventually got an obscure release, this one is from the Give 'Em Enough Rope sessions but wasn't heard until the On Broadway compilation in '91. It's a solid number of course, they hardly put a foot wrong, but it's nothing groundbreaking.

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This is from that same compilation, from the same sessions, it's a cover of the classic soul tune and I like it. Understated, gentle but with that pained passion in the vocals Mick carries so well, and that nice subtle bass is a sweet touch.

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Our last couple of tracks are live numbers, and this one's a special one-off performance with the great Beat poet Allen Ginsberg, from the 10th June date of their infamous Bond's residency. He wrote it specifically to perform with the band, six minutes of cantankerous complaining about just about any ideology you care to name while the band (and their sound man, gotta credit those perfectly-timed dub echoes) give a strident backing. Topper was on fucking fire for those gigs, just listen to that kick drum.

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And finally let's close out where they began, way back in '76 with Keith Levene. This one's probably my favourite of their earliest offcuts, but personally I prefer an even earlier version of it that Youtube doesn't seem to have, from their third ever gig (and first known recording) at the classic Screen on the Green punk showcase. Five of the thirteen tracks on that setlist never made it to the studio, plus it includes the original lyrics to I'm So Bored With You, and it's all here.

#the clash

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jamrockshuffle · 1 year

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tes·ta·ment noun a: a tangible proof or tribute b: an expression of conviction

spotify link / image credit

izzy hands playlist; annotations, tracklist, and details under the cut

Updated 10/16/2023: literally so much manchester orchestra towards the end. but it's MY playlist I'll do what I want

A lot of kind of emotional, dark, passionate ed/izzy in this. So just keep that in mind :) This playlist was started last year. I think all of the songs fit still, but if you're looking for the more season 2 oriented content, I will mark the songs added since it aired. Hope you enjoy! It's nearly six hours I think I have a disease.

As per the uzsh the genres run the gambit. don't say I didn't warn you - All This Time / The Beta Machine

When you rose up this morning Did you take it for granted That I'd be there when you woke? That I'd still be there when you woke? [...] If you want me to adore you Better get up off the floor now I've said all I've had to say But maybe there's some better way

- Lost at Sea / Kellermensch

The war is over and I lost I learned the hard way not to trust It's getting easier every day To watch you slip further away

- You Should Have Known I'd Leave / Vast

Love is cold Love is blind Love is a sea And I don't know what you want But I know it's not me

- Blown Minded / Young Galaxy

In my heart I have lived without aught It's been the war of attrition Between a small-minded fool And sublime intuition

- Breathe / Puscifer

honestly lads I don't know what to say it just goes ok sorry

- Holy My Hand / UNKLE

- Touched / Vast

The razors and the dying roses Plead I don't leave you alone The demi-gods and hungry ghosts Oh god, god knows I'm not at home I'll never find someone quite like you, again I'll never find someone quite like you, again

- The Rat / Dead Confederate

This fucking song. I added it over a year ago but holy shit, has season 2 made it that much crazier. Honestly the entire song is just so... i don't even know what to tell ya tbh I would paste the whole song here if I could Shoot from the back And take good aim Make sure I'm dead Bang Bang 'Cause I'm a rat There's no mistake Under the bed Where you sleep Crush the skull And make me tame Sweep it up Hide it away No morals shown In no way explained Stupid human Shit for brains I am going feral over this song and how it slides in so neatly for season 2 so far (as of posting this, episode 3) I'll follow you Into the grave And at the gates I see the passing say "The judge be judged And all the wretched be saved" I throw my curse All across your days <3 ty for coming to my ted talk

- Lovesong / Snake River Conspiracy

might be a little controversial since it's a cover of the original by the cure, but this is more the kind of music I tend to listen to so that's what's in the playlist lol.

- Structure of Love II (Renholdër Remix) / VOWWS

Take a look at me now Have I disappeared? Is this the structure of love? Are you in here? I can't get you out of my mind Your love is so hard to define

- Tusk / Fleetwood Mac

I've said it before, I'll say it again. PERFECT edizzy song. If you think this is a stede/ed song you're wrong get the fuck outta here

- Bleak / Death Machine

Hold my breath Known I am one of the walking dead you say In my chest, there is a bombing It's made of flesh it's made of flesh

- The End Is Begun / 3

Watch what you say Words can be heard from your grave Pluck from a fist full of straws You cannot resist your tragic flaws And you said what you said That I'd be better off dead Than be fed into the furnace Of the monster Shall I cry, shall I die Shall I be shot through the sky As I fly into the furnace Of the monster

- Breadwinner / BEA1991

- Martyr / Roniit, Saint Mesa

Drop all your hunger, kill your dues So give me shelter, give me proof I'll be the martyr and the muse All of your sorrow, I'll consume

- Man Overboard / Puscifer

- Ennoea / Keluar

- Complicated End Times / O'Brother

You can try and measure what I do By the sweat in my brow But you don’t know a thing about me You want to snuff the fire out

- Goliath / Woodkid

A sustained heart pain and a dark fever How did I get fooled by such a savage curse? The more I forgive you, the more it backfires Now you're dancing through the smoke like nothing else matters

- Beat And The Pulse / Austra

- Spellwork / Austra

I work alone saving my soul If yesterday hurts, tomorrow is worse Send me a sign, for my body's aligned I'm ready to waste all my limbs and my face My pores are wide open And bleed for your potion Spellwork and lies

- Feral Love / Chelsea Wolfe

Your eyes black like an animal Black like an animal Crossing the water Lead them to die

- Drift / So Below

Even if you change your mind It doesn't have to mean that it's over Even when the moment's gone I feel the same Even when you bite your tongue It doesn't have to mean that it's over Even if it all goes wrong I feel the same way, hey

- Dancer in the Dark / Scratch Massive

Where did you go? My mind is gone I'm dancing in the dark Just silent and grey It's just silent and grey

- The More I Sleep, The Less I Dream / We Were Promised Jetpacks

I lost all hope I left it with someone, some time, somewhere ago And I picture it now The house on the hill, with nobody wandering around And I cry like hell I'm hugging the floor and pretending there's somebody else The more I sleep The less I dream The closer I feel Oh my word I'm nothing but a curse Oh my word I'm nothing but a-

- Ship in a Bottle / fin

Oh, captain, let's make a deal Where we both say the things that we both really feel I feel scared and I'm starting to sink And I only sink deeper the deeper I think

- Toma / Puscifer

Stole my patience, stole my pride Snatched the rhythm from my stride Kicked my certainty up the middle Knocked the wind out of my romantic side Hopes and wishes set aflame What's your purpose here, whatcha hope to gain? Took my dignity, you took my dignity Burned a lover so earned an enemy

- The Shore / Woodkid

I walked all day along the shore I was made for loving you I drown my pain in alcohol How could you feel the same way too? My feet will not walk anymore So I guess you ought to know the truth I wonder what I am made for If I'm not meant to be with you

- Restless (16BL Remix) / UNKLE, Josh Homme

Well, I'm all restless but I don't care You don't like me much, well, me neither You go read my mind like some kind of God You live, let's have you trippin' on the same one you lost

- Ship To Wreck / Florence + The Machine

And, ah, my love remind me, what was it that I said? I can't help but pull the earth around me to make my bed And, ah, my love remind me, what was it that I did? Did I drink too much? Am I losing touch? Did I build a ship to wreck?

- Lies / CHVRCHES

Always, we can sing, we can make time Old songs, flood and flame, you could be mine But you got to show me both knees, skin and bone Clothe me, throw me, move me 'til I can sell you lies You can't get enough Make a true believer of Anyone, anyone, anyone I can call you up If I feel alone I can feed your dirty mind Like I know, like I know what you want

- The End / The Beta Machine

A million miles away from you this time I'll do what it takes I'm on my way If lines are in the sand I'll go under If I can make it in time I will bring you back with me If all that's left of you is in my head This is more than a bad dream The end of all I know

- Jealous Sea / MEG MYERS

This whole song... like bruh lmfao Everything's right, everything's wrong When you call my name I can't handle the thought of always being gone When I'm wearing this ring And I want to go out, I want to get drunk Being in love and I don't want to fight But nothing makes sense anymore And I don't think I can stop the jealousy When it comes, it comes like waves and I can't breathe And I don't think I can stop the jealousy When it runs, it runs like lightening through my teeth I want you to tell me what to do I want you to tell me what you need When you look at me like you do Don't leave, I just can't get enough I just can't get enough

- Holy Water / Zippermouth

I don't want you to save me from the demons only you seem to see But don't you dare take my pride away and strip me of my sanity I'm calling all of you out I'm calling out of you in To the party of unnatural sin And my imperfections scare you, I can see it in your eyes Water That burns my bastard mind 'Cause I can love as good as one can love someone In a perfect world is one I will love myself before I will love you

- Die For You / VALORANT, Grabbitz

Now there's only one thing I can do Fight until the end like I promised to Wishing there was something left to lose This could be the day I die for you

- Choke / Hybrid

I'm not explaining myself to you

- Give It Up / Black City Lights

The fever's own Filling in my bones and my blood It's enough But I still can't take it off It's sickening Hands around my neck And my chest is burning with my breathing

- Elijah / Blood Red Shoes

- Love You Wrong / Husky Loops

I've thought about it all along I am sure I love you wrong

- Autumn / Bear In Heaven

Silent romance guided by chance, just like everything Altogether would it ever suffocate the pain?

- Hands On The Bible / Local H

Hands on the Bible Scared like a child God holds you liable For what you've done Homicidal Stared down your idols A pretty baby Never born You can't believe it You didn't mean it But they saw you do it And they know your name

- Touch / July Talk

I want to make some space underneath my skin Cut me open, I can let you in Should I let myself be torn in two? And will you give into that side of you?

- Avalanche / Kosheen

He's nothing like me So wrong and wretched Your safe reality Is living in sketches And live out happiness With no explanation And peer out at the world

- A Long Time Away / Shearwater

A break in the clouds like a crack in a cylinder But now there's blood on the beach and a wreck in the water As the shadow arrives on the face of your innocence You feel the shock in your eyes and the shaking in your own hands

- It's No Good / Depeche Mode

Don't say you want me Don't say you need me Don't say you love me It's understood Don't say you're happy Out there without me I know you can't be 'Cause it's no good

- Always Right / Ramona Falls

God is in the things you love So don't you punch me with kid gloves

- No Tomorrow / The Birthday Massacre

Dedication to the ruin of the light within you Darkness all around It's so easy to let go of all the things that make you true Watch it all fall down You bait me, I follow And if this night feels hollow Then drown me in sorrow There will be no tomorrow

- Flood / Saltillo

I wanna watch you wreck all the paintings in my house As you run down my wall (Holes of my life) Wash away these things I never needed These papers and these clothes

- The Remedy / Puscifer

izzy @ stede bonnet tbh. well, in season 1 at least ;)

- Little One / Beck

Drown, drown, sailors run aground In a sea change, nothing is safe And strange waves push us every way In a stolen boat, we'll float away

- Becker / Autolux

That's delirium's way You know it seems so right All the entertainment they spray Atrocities contrite It brings you back again It finds you every time The blackest quote they spit into the tin can of your mind

- Eyelids / Saro

In my eyelids, I’ve tattooed your words To remember what I don’t deserve Could you be why I feel so empty?

- Found You / Django Django

I've heard my name spoken in vain so many times You called, well here I am, what is yours is mine There's nothing you won't sell But I don't want the wealth you made That's not what I returned for

- Darkness At The Heart Of My Love / Ghost

There's a darkness at the heart of my love That runs cold, runs deep

- Dangerous / Son Lux

I watch you fall Hollow and depleted A city razed Oh, to bury you beneath it

- Numb / MARINA

- Fear and Loathing / MARINA

- O My Heart / Mother Mother

And I throw my heart back to the ocean But it don't go far, it come back floating And I watch it wash it up with the dead fish But it ain't quite dead, it just is like this

- Bones / The Qemists, Kellermensch

Fearless: my heart Open my arms Laying on the dark isle Every way is down

- El Monstro / SkraeckOedlan

(There beyond the dawn we see you, but our longing is an agony) Där bortom gryningen vi ser dig, men våran längtan är ett kval (They have robbed you of your future, we belong together you and I) De har berövat dig din framtid, vi hör tillsammans du och jag

- Relocate / Kauf

Do you feel any better now? I'm trying to follow what you told me I'm just a dog, mystical empathy and carefree I can't forget the skin pulled tight, every letter read Is it your justice we never see? Do you feel any better now? Your father is lying where the bones are A little lost colony from the start I can't forget the skin pulled tight, every letter read Is it your justice we never see? We never see what only you can say We are ready for it

-> SONGS ADDED AFTER SEASON 2 STARTS HERE

- Before We Drift Away / Nothing But Thieves

- A Place To Call Home / Big Wreck

So how do you beg for what's your own Pick the pieces, lick the wounds Stoke the fire, fan the flame Squeeze the clouds until it rains Would you champion the cause? 'Til you find out what you've lost Who do you dare to call your own And where's the place that you call home?

- My Name Is Ruin / Gary Numan

My name is Ruin, my name is vengeance My name is no one, and no one is calling My name is Ruin, my name is heartbreak My name is lonely, my sorrow's a darkness

- Run From Me / Timber Timbre

- Symphony No. 7 in A Major, Op. 92: II. Allegretto / Beethoven

- Because the Night / Patti Smith

- Dear Brother / Puscifer

Reminiscing on our indestructible days The party never seemed to end We donkey punched the night away Some risky business, my friend Fortune seemed to favor us 'Round every dark and twisted bend

- The Moth / Manchester Orchestra

This song makes me so insane tbh Forced myself to take a different name Buried with metonymy Decide for me Throw the man you used to be away Bury him with rivalry entirely My entire life you've been obsessing with the light The closer that you get, the further up you've got to climb You wanna hear it hurt, you wanna feel it when he dies If you walk that path alone, you've got to look him in the eye

- Brevony / Ramona Falls

- Graveyard Shift / Battle Tapes

I fell asleep at the helm of a runaway train And laid myself at the feet of what I couldn't slay

- Black Cloud / POSTDATA

There's nothing outside, there’s nobody left There's nowhere to hide, nowhere to run or to forget No one to find you if you ever tried to And nobody tries to Sand in the sky, drowning in the wind Look in my eyes, mama, I've been contaminated Little by little by little, just a little bit Can you forgive me? Can you forgive me?

- Keel Timing / Manchester Orchestra

Yet another song that makes me insane. I put too much Manchester Orchestra in here but I'm living my best life Don’t let 'em in your bed, we're lying Don't let 'em in your bed, he is lying Little more, a little more, he is biting I was folding slowly frozen Changed for you And it wasn't right, but it wasn't wrong It was holy

- Pale Black Eye / Manchester Orchestra

This entire Song is so fucking wild I don't have yours or mine I don't hurt you like I used to Amy, you must be tired cause when you sleep, you sleep alone And understand the throne Cause if he didn't pay what he had paid I'd undeniably become erased So whatever you want Take whatever you need And bite your veins Bleed your pain Into me Goddamn I'm tired of lying I wish I loved you like I used to So hold on, you pale black eye Cause when I sleep, I sleep alone

- Strawberry Letter 23 / Shuggie Otis

- Pygmy Love Song / Francis Bebey

- In The Dark / Cathedrals

I can see you fall apart You turn away and fade out of sight But I hear you call in the night Let it go, let me hold you this time (don’t say a word)

- The Sailor Song / Autoheart

ty @soundless-storm for the suggestion :) I was your sailor, your demon, your lover Your overbearing best friend Hoping for some attention

- Megalomaniac / Aeseaes

Eye to thigh as he sharpens his blade Thick sweat, sick salt, lead bellyaches I don’t know what I’ve been drinking Dripping dread as all the lights start scrеaming Seven-inch steel bolt fed to thе head Now is then and I am now bound to forget The devil wears a cotton dress over his gun Jagged mumbles wispy warbles blushing in the sun

- Rule #9 - Child of the Stars / Fish in a Birdcage

You were a wanderer Back when you were young I remember your eyes were clear Brighter than the sun With hands so soft Delicate and sweet You learned to fall And balance on your own two feet I could only lead you so far I believe in who you are

- Vessel / Dan Mangan + Blacksmith

There are other lyrics in this song that are good too but this just reminds me of 2x01 when Izzy tells Fang to unhand him when he starts to cry Stop Wait Un Hand Me

- Cover Me / Black Math

One hand above the skin My head below the water As I float in the deep As I float in the deep

- Let It Storm / Manchester Orchestra

This is very post 2x04. For the new unicorn :) I don't wanna hold back my faith anymore I don't wanna fall into that man again I just wanna keep both my feet on the floor So let it touch me And let it storm

- Disciple / IAMX

Sorry this song is kind of a lot lol Disciple, I absolve you So forgive yourself enough to obey the naked truth That you need to be owned And you beg to be controlled

- Bed Head / Manchester Orchestra

This song is SO season 2 ed/izzy it makes me so insane it's the entire fucking song tbh I'm posting most of the song lyrics sorry. "Bed Head" is two old friends existing in two separate realities. It's a conversation about the lives they lived, the consequences of life's decisions, and finding purpose in trying to be better. Arguing with the dead I'm not alone but it sure feels like someone left Deaf notes and talking heads Carrying on your debt Blood on the bed head and volumes you left unsaid Let 'em talk and let it habit, now I'm afraid you're alone Oh, my God Let me relinquish and start to distinguish my past, and my time You and I are oil and fire, so Oh, my God Let me extinguish the habit, the sequence, the loss in my mind Now I believe in the ghost Ghost Clawing against your skin Clutching my neck said, "It's all supposed to end like this" You and I are panoramic Now I'm afraid of the ghost [...] Right by the entrance, you broke Finally, reality's taking its hold You're not who you were, but you can't let it go You're not where you're from, but you're always alone So I stick a flag in the ground I think I know who I'm living for now I am what I am, same above as the ground It's not what I want, but I'm figuring it out

I'll keep updating the annotations as I have free time :) the playlist is almost 80 songs long and growing lol. Enjoy!

#ofmd #our flag means death #izzy hands #fanmix #thanks for coming to my ted talk once again #i'm feral #blackhands #edizzy #listen I know they're going thru it rn but don't @ me I'm fine

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nerves-nebula · 1 year

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I know this might be kinda stupid but. do you have any music recs. specifically of the child abuse variety because I'd be very interested in that.

*sweats* ok so here's the thing- I have a playlist called "Abuse" and its full of music that is either explicitly about abuse, related to abuse thematically, or just has Abuse Vibes to me (some of which is likely inexplicable to other people)

im also kind of self conscious about my taste in music, cause sometimes it's like. i dunno. the steven universe soundtrack or a fnaf song i really like. and thats CRINGE! and really any genre of song can be about Child Abuse so it's like. idk if you'll like any of the things i recommend.

THAT BEING SAID, here's a selection i guess!! because I'm flattered you would even ask haha. a lot of these are pretty well known already tho so idk how helpful this will be. anyway this got hella long so. under the cut!

songs explicitly about or including themes of child abuse/having shit parents/having familial issues:

Guiltless by Dodie

Black by Okkervil River (narrative about a guys girlfriend telling him about her dad sexually abusing her. one of, if not the first, song i ever heard about CSA and it holds a special place in my heart)

The Mute by Radical Face

Ripple Effect by Scott Helman (kinda more about generational trauma & healing if im honest. i dont listen to it as much as the others on this list)

Poplar St by Glass Animals

Daddy Issues by The Neighborhood

Twin Sized Mattress by The Front Bottoms (classic i know)

The Family Jewels by Marina and the diamonds

Family Line by Conan Gray

Christmas Kids by ROAR (ok technically not about the kids but i find the subtext of how the kids are used in this abusive relationship horrific. also, it reminds me of my parents)

Drift Away - Steven Universe (OK I KNOW ITS NOT TECHNICALLY ABOUT THAT BUT TO ME IT'S ABOUT MY MOM. IT TRACKS TOO EXACTLY TO NOT INCLUDE HERE)

Other Abuse songs:

labour by Paris Paloma

This Hurts by Mindless Self Indulgence (my ex wife says i listen to this song to go joker mode and i hate that because i know she means Straight Joker and not Camp Joker but i do really like the song)

I'm your puppet by Gregory And The Hawk

Eric by Mitski (REAL GOOD)

Believe Me by James and the Shame (more about spiritual abuse sort of)

Girl Anachronism by The Dresden Dolls

Thermodynamic Lawyer esq GFD by Will Wood and the Tapeworms

We'll Never Have Sex by Leith Ross (less about abuse and more about, like, a healing relationship. still i think you can easily read into the alluded past abuse or sexual issues going here)

Fuck About It by Waterparks

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want by The Smiths (this is just such an abused person song)

Sex With A Ghost by Teddy Hyde

I Cant Handle Change by ROAR (obviously)

rotting by vivivivivi

rook by sardonica

My favorite "Abuse Vibe" songs (NOTE: some of these songs might be about abuse or toxic relationships but um. im not very smart or good at sorting so. they ended up here):

Take a Slice by Glass Animals (PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS ONE FUCK THE REST OF THIS LIST EXCEPT ANIMALS I LOVE THOSE TWO)

Animals by Stomach Book (SEE ABOVE)

Youth by Daughter

Duck Or Ape by ROAR

Million Dollar Gold Digger (idk what it is about this remix im not even a huge fan of either of the songs its mixing. this is the VIBES part of the rec list i don't have to explain myself)

I'll Be Good by Jaymes Young

Gooey by Glass Animals

Breaking Down by Florence & The Machine

Moby Dick by Jakey

Aurora Borealis by Lemon Demon (hard to justify but this song just brings such vivid "abused kid failing to be normal while hanging out with someone and further isolating themself" vibe. yes im projecting. leave me alone)

The Dismemberment Song by Blue Kid (sometimes you just wanna kill your parents)

I'M GONNA WIN by Rob Cantor (this one just feels like anger and bitterness and being suspicious of anyone who tries to help you. I listen to it when im fucking going through it. its also a bop but you prolly already know that, i think it's pretty popular? idk)

It's Alright by Mother Mother (stereotypical i know)

South Dakota by Jakey (honestly i dunno. i dont even know where south dakota is)

My Blood by Twenty One Pilots (for all you sibling havers out there)

My Play by AJR (my parents arent divorced but man i wish they were. Also, this just brings up very vivid memories for me trying to show my parents things and it is fucking crushing haha)

Best Of You by Foo Fighters (idk just more shit that reminds me of my parents)

The Woods by San Fermin (this one is just very "I should have died as a child"-core to me)

JUVY ft. Julia Bard by Nnamdi Ogbonnaya (this guy is weird and i didnt like his stuff at first but then... i came back... and now he holds a place in my heart)

Grape Gil by Nnamdi Ogbonaya (i think this is my favorite song of his. I nearly made an owl house animatic to it)

Obsession by OK GO

Better Than Me by The Brobecks

ARE WE STILL FRIENDS by Tyler The Creator

Dumb Dumb by Mazie (honestly this one just reminds me of thinking "i hate it here everyone is so dumb" and then maladaptive daydreaming for hours to escape the situation hah)

Stone Wall, Stone Fence by Gregory And The Hawk

Never Wanna Fall in Love With U by Nelward

Another New World by Punch Brothers (this one is such an explicit and straightforward narrative i really can't explain it other than like. the emotions.)

Julep by Punch Brothers (once again, the emotions)

Always Sayin' by The Littles Man Band

A NIGHT OUT ON EARTH by Waterparks

Consequences by Lovejoy

Scum by Lovejoy

SMELLS LIKE TEEN SECRETS by lil boodang (another hard to justify one. idk. it just feels like it ok. sue me)

anyway i'm sure there's more but thats just a quick selection from my Abuse playlist. and by quick i mean you better appreciate this cuz i put way more effort into this than i needed to.

#nnstuff #ask #music

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just-my-type-x · 2 years

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Little White Dress

A/N: please don't be mad at the fact that i don't open my requests, but i know i wouldn't have time to get through them since I'm currently working on my thesis and i wrote every day for it. So this is a way of me coping with stress and writing something else other than theoretical stuff haha. I hope u enjoy ♥️

Maybe a tw: drinking/clubbing, but not very much, mentions of sex.

Angst

Italics - flashback

I keep my glass raised high as i pass a few dancing people, trying to reach Tristan and Connor on the other side of the club. I excuse myself when i walk between a couple and brush off their cringey comments of how I'm trying to break them apart.

Tristan spots me from a few meters apart and holds his arm out for me to grab on as a wave of people almost sweep me up in their walking direction.

"Thank you", i chuckle and he puts a protective arm around my waist, watching the group walk away from us, unaware of what almost happened.

"Drunk idiots", he swears under his breath and looks at me. "Are you ok?", he smirks and i nod.

"Thanks to you, yeah. Otherwise i would've been back at the bar and not because i wanted more of this", we both laugh when i take a sip of my cocktail. Connor joins in our conversation and it's not long after that the DJ starts playing real music that we can have fun on. We start dancing around, screaming the lyrics of the songs we love, while Con's friend, Lorrie, decides to take pictures and videos of us having fun together. When the alcohol finally sets in, i let myself feel the rhythm and dance around with Lorrie spinning each other around and laughing a lot. It's not long after that Tristan grabs be gently by my arm and pulls me closer to him to dance with him, while Con takes my place. Tristan's hands are on my waist and mine arr around his neck, while we dance to a remixed version of Hips Don't Lie.

I take one more sip of my drink before going back to Tris, who's quick to position his hands on my hips, moving them around, while we try doing some Cha-Cha dance moves.

"You're playing such a dangerous game, Tris", i shout in his ear and he pulls me in closer. His head is glued to mine, his lips close to my ear, his fingers brushing my hair away.

"Dangerous is more exciting", he smirks and i bite my lip as he spins me one more time before the song drastically changes to another one. I need to catch my breath and sit next to Tristan who was already on the couch, drinking from his glass. His eyes follow me closely and i smirk at him. I pull on my short white dress while sitting, so it could cover my legs more and Lorrie is quick to ask us if we want some pictures taken. We both agree and i move closer to Tris, whose eyes still follow everything i do. I position myself on the side, my back touching his side and his arm snakes around my waist, his hand on my thigh. She takes a few photos of us and i start taking pictures of her and Con, then selfies the four of us. I look through some of them, when i feel an intense stare on my back. I turn around and i see Tristan's eyes scanning my body up and down, clearly ditching the conversation he has with Con and Lorrie. I walk over to Tristan and tell him to get out of there, leaving our friends in the club. We get to the hotel and Tris is quick to throw me on the bed, attacking my neck with his lips and teeth, leaving hickeys down my neck and exposed cleavage.

"Fuck, take this down immediately", he groans, his hands caressing my curves through the dress and then quickly taking off his suit jacket. We're both in our underwear when we start kissing each other, heat radiating off our bodies.

"About last night.. We're not gonna talk about last night. That's a great Instagram caption, y/n, but i think it's a bit too much for a picture of you and Tristan at a club", Brad comments about the post of Tristan having his arm snaked around my body while we're backstage. I yawn, still tired after the club and, well, Tristan. I wear a zip up hoodie, so i put the hood on my head to not hear Brad too much.

"That's an amazing caption and it fits the picture very well", i bite back and hold my head against the back of the sofa.

"Well, did something happen? Other than Tris being significantly close to you", Brad chuckles and i roll my eyes. I've had a crush on Brad for years, but you can tell him straight in the face and he still won't figure it out. I know it was wrong of me to sleep with Tristan and he knows it too, but last night neither of us could help it.

"No, everything is alright.", i pull on my hoodie upwards to make sure my hickeys aren't visible at all, but Brad shifts in his seat.

"Are you cold or something? You've been pulling on that hoodie since this morning", he frowns and approaches me, but i take off my hood and frown back at him, letting him know I'm alright.

"I'm just tired and to be honest you're irritating me right now", i try to laugh to make it sound like a joke, but he knows it's true. We've been best friends since high school, he figures out everything. Almost.

He laughs at me and then pulls me by the arms to get up and do something so i wouldn't feel so sleepy anymore. I sigh and give in, standing off the couch. When Brad let's go of my arms, my hoodie falls off my left shoulder and i hurry to place it back up.

"Ok, stop, what the fuck is wrong with you?", Brad asks irritated, trying to grab the collar of my hoodie, but i push his hands away.

"Stop it, it's nothing, why are you so worried?"

"I'm not worried, I'm frustrated, what are you hiding from me?", he reaches back to my collar, his free hand catching one of my wrists. He manages to pull the material away from my neck, stopping in his tracks to analyse my love bites. He follows the trail to my collarbones and swallows hard. "Whose are these?"

"Mine"

"No shit dumbass. Who gave them to you?"

A few seconds of silence fall between us until the doors of the backstage open and Tristan, James and Connor walk inside. Brad's eyes fall on Tristan's neck, that also has hickeys here and there. The plan was that i would wear something to cover my neck, while Tris would be good to go since it's not a surprise when he shows up with some. Brad's grip on my hoodie intensifies and i feel the material tightening between his fingers. His face is white, lips parted and his eyes look like they're about to fall out of his head.

"You've got to be kidding me. You two fucked and had the audacity to even post from the night you fucked?", Brad's angry voice makes the guys' attention turn to him. Tristan's face goes blank, while James and Connor look confused at the three of us. "You have some fucking nerve to even look me in the eyes", he points to, Tris and he swallows hard. Brad turns to me and i pull the zipper up, crossing my arms at my chest. "Are you fucking for real? My best friend? What the fuck, y/n?", his voice cracks because of how angry and how high pitched his tone became.

"What is going on?", James asks confused and Con rubs his temples

"Oh my God.. I should've left with you", Con holds his hand on his forehead

"You knew?", Brad almost jumps next to him, his voice loud

"No, but now it makes sense", he answers and puts his phone in the back pocket

"What makes sense?", Brad's burning stare pins Con

"We left earlier", Tristan almost whispers and Brad tightens his fists

"You what?", Brad's question is barely audible

"What happened last night?", James asks again, almost laughing. I pull down my zipper and capture their attention, their heads turning in my direction. I uncover my hickeys, the trail being observable on my breasts, until my tank top covers it. Brad scoffs and shakes his head.

"You fucking made sure you marked every single piece of her, didn't you?", his voice isn't angry anymore, he's just disappointed. "So you left earlier, didn't you? Did you enjoy having sex with y/n?", the exasperation in his voice makes James and Con move away not wanting to intervene. I walk closer to him and Tristan.

"Can you please stop talking about me like I'm some kind of object? It's the first time it happened and i don't understand why you're so upset. You're supposed to be my best friend, why does it bother you so much who my sex life involves?", angry, i step closer to Tris, crossing my arms at my chest.

Brad scoffs. "You know what, fuck off. I hope y'all are gonna have banger sex from now on. Don't even bother having my phone number anymore, y/n", he says while walking fast away from us, exiting the backstage doors with loud bangs.

"For fuck's sake mate.. His best friend?", Con rubs his temples again. "Y/N, his best friend, really?"

"Stop blaming us ok? He told me a few weeks ago that if he'd let anyone near her ever it would be me. I never thought that if it happened, he'd react like this", Tristan falls on the couch, holding his head in his hands.

"Con, you've had sex with half of our friend group back in Birmingham, he never acted like this.", frustrated, i throw a haribo pack at his chest. "Thank you for having our backs, backstabbers", i say while throwing some tea bags to James too.

I leave the room and hurry outside the venue, seeing Brad lean on the wall, his fists every now and then hitting the wall behind him. He notices my presence and i start walking towards him, him doing the same.

"Why Tristan? Why him out of every male in this world?", he yells and i take a step back. "He fucking.. Look at your fucking neck! He fucking.. For fuck's sake, he covered your breasts! He had access to every part of your body!", his voice breaks and he walks away, his hands in his hair, almost pulling at it. I approach him, but he flinches.

"Brad, please calm down, the fans are on the other side of venue", i talk quietly,not being able to look him in the eyes.

"i couldn't give a damn right now."

"Why the fuck are you like this? Talk to me?", i raise my voice and he faces me, his eyes full of tears.

"The nerve to ask me this.."

"No, Brad, tell me why it bothers you. It's not like you haven't seen me with hickeys before. It's not like you didn't tell Tris you'd trust him with me. Why all this?", i ask, waving my arms around us. He exhales loudly and turns his back at me, staring at nothing. He turns back, looking at me with the same tear filled, red eyes.

"You have no idea how much i regret telling him that now that he's done it. I regretted it even afterwards.", he brushes his fingers over his mustache and chin and takes one deep breath. "I have feelings for you", Brad's voice breaks and a tear falls down his cheek. "And I've had for a while i guess. I just never had the courage to tell you, i thought it will happen naturally and i was wrong. Like i always am", he walks away from me and leans on the wall, holding himself up against it with his arms, hitting it hard with his fist. I immediately walk next to him and take his fist in my hand, covering the bruises with my palm.

"Are you crazy? Why did you do that?", i almost scream and he scoffs, taking his hand away.

"Stop, please. Go back to him, I'll calm down and I'll join you afterwards. I'll be fine.", he turns his back to me but i refuse to walk away. I hug him from behind and refuse to let him go, even tho he struggles to get out of my grip. He gives up and sighs.

"I've been in love with you for years", i confess, his posture stiffening

"I can tell", his voice breaks and i tighten my embrace

"I'm serious. But you can't recognise someone having feelings for you even if they're right in your face. I'm the perfect example", Brad laughs quietly. "Last night was a mistake, we both know it, but it happened and we can't change that.", i say quietly. I let him go and he faces me. He pulls me into a hug and i shed a few tears because of the intensity of the moment.

"I thought i lost you forever", he confesses and puts his hand on my head, kissing my forehead. "I thought I'll never be more to you than your best friend"

"Well, this is the main reason that happened. I never expected you to have feelings for me, so why not live my life? I'm so sorry it had to happen with Tris. It was so wrong of us", i watch his face soften

"Do you still want me in your life?", i ask, my voice cracking

"Don't be sorry. I'm pretty glad it was him tho and not some random dude. I know he took care - good care", he pulls the hoodie away to show the hickeys, "but he didn't have a reason not to be with you, i was always open to a relationship between you and any of my band mates. Until now", he chuckles, "when i realised it's only me i want you to be with. I'm sorry i acted like that. I never thought my best friends will actually fuck", his body stiffens again and i look somewhere else.

He nods, "more than ever. Only if you want me too", he tries to smile, but another tear falls on his cheek

"more than ever", we hug each other, sighing in relief. We decide to go back to the backstage and he bumped fists with Tristan and hugged, before a wave of apologies and and a band group hug.

"You know, she's not really your type, so things wouldn't have worked out anyway", Brad laughs and i roll my eyes as Tristan agrees

"Oh shut up"

A/N: Let me know if u want a part 2 ♥️

#brad simpson #brad simpson smut #brad simpson imagine #brad simpson x reader #tristan evans #tristan evans imagine #tristan evans smut #the vamps #the vamps imagine #the vamps smut

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estradasphere · 8 months

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listened to the new vacon album!!!!! (i had to make a japanese spotify account cuz it doesnt release in the US until midnight orz) my thoughts on it below, mostly copypasted from when i was liveblogging it on discord lol

HATED JOHN - regret version

i'm not sure if i like this version of hated john better than the original hmmm.... his voice is certainly more dynamic but it doesnt feel like he's used to singing like that haha. a lot of voice effects being used too. i guess it's not better or worse it's just different p: instrumental sounded identical to the original to me but i'll have to relisten, i wasnt paying much attention to it

actually, he sounded like he was influenced by symaG's cover of hated john

2. Woodpecker

2nd song is woodpecker which was the one single he dropped so ive heard it plenty before. still a banger

3. ElecTravel - choo-choo version

electravel starts with a train chugging noise lol he's going all in with the toybox album theme

otherwise sounds pretty damn close to the original so far. vocal delivery is sliiiiightly different. actually i think i like this version better

man he still has that problem where his vocals kinda get drowned out by the instrumental sometimes though

OH he added an extra verse! kinda

4. TOY CHEESE

ok first original song we havent heard before. toy cheese-- WHAT THE FUCK

ok nvm i was just thrown off by the sample at the beginning. this is fun

…this literally just sounds like a jingle for a toy commercial. i think that's what it's sampling

what is he dooiiiiinnngggggg i cant deny that his flow is really good though

5. モーニング・ベーコン - tee-hee version

morning bacon time!!!

yeah he's getting drowned out by the instrumental during the kinda whispery parts. i dont remember if that even happens in the original. ill definitely have to relisten to them and compare afterwards

but yeah his voice is absolutely more dynamic on the album

oh seems like he's changing up the lyrics a bit too

i think i just heard his mic peak 😭

instrumental seemed the same

6. D-D-Donuts

second new original song time

this sounds like a childrens commercial again. vacon i know how you can make boatloads of money just license this to hasbro

very catchy though…

his flow is so GOOD

7. 微熱パレイド

BINETSU PARADE YAAAYY i wonder if saegusa redid her vocals too?

sounds like she did

still whispery but sounds a little clearer to me

absolutely whimsical album this is. the silliest hiphop ive ever heard. dude just wants to rap about food and toys and have a good time i can respect that

8. Afro Man - hold tight version

AFRO MAN-- dude you're too close to the mic

how did he get Less professional. wait thats the problem. these sound like first drafts not remixes. i mean theyre still good songs but

hes getting drowned out by the instrumental again too ahhhhh like yeah his beats are really good but be more confident man

9. Xanadisco

xanadisco… is he gonna rap about drugs please rap about drugs thatd be so fucking funny

PIANO!

ohhhhhhh i really love this instrumental

WAIT THIS RULES

yep this is my favorite song on the album so far no notes

why is it called xanadisco though. its not really disco…

👏👏👏

10. Be-li-va Voyager

another new original now

THIS IS ALSO REALLY GOOD!! why did he save his best songs for the latter half of the album

just say what you waaaant cmoonn~~~

i love the occasional turntable scratch he throws in there lol

11. Love my JANE - repaired version

love my jane… sounds identical to the original so far except the guitar is a little louder?

yeah it sounds like he didnt even rerecord the vocals he just remastered the instrumental slightly?

oh nvm there's like 1 bar of new vocal delivery in here thats it

still a great song. he didn't really Need to do anything to it besides adjust the mixing a little. so he did not

12. RUSTY DRUM BLUES

last song. this sounds like a track from sonic spinball

oh my god it really does HAHAHAHA

not a bad thing. sonic spinball ost slaps

not sure if i like the vocal effects he's using but the delivery itself is good

ooh when most of the instruments drop out for a sec its pretty groovy actually

yeah he's almost belting now haha thats definitely not something he wouldve done like 5 years ago. good for him for working on his voice

ough... definitely sounds a little overwrought at times though

also there was a brief moment of silence and i could just baaaaarely hear him breathe that was awesome actually

fade out aaannnddd album over

#it's a bit rough around the edges but i liked it #afaik vacon does Everything himself no external mixmastering or anything so its understandably not perfect hahaha #but there's plenty of nice ideas in there #a few tracks i was meh on but also a few i really adored #vaconposting #im still gonna throw my money at him when the cd drops (AND SHIRTS? HE WAS TALKING ABOUT MAKING SHIRTS?)

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corntort · 1 year

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OK POLARITY THOUGHT INFO DUMP

bear in mind lectro can't really sing Super Well he just challenged void because it'd be fun and he can still hold a rhythm. he just wants to kinda riff off of voids (quite literal) supernatural ability to sing incredibly quickly and with actual pitch and melody.

he's generally really competitive and just wants to see what the guy is made of! obviously void sees this as kind of an insult because. well she's void. that's just how it's gonna be

at around 0:56 is when void kind of makes it apparent he's gonna take this seriously. there's no other way he will take it. and void kinda goes "eh... i meant to just have fun.... but yknow what? i'll match your energy. sure. let's get Serious bud!"

1:50 is where the seriousness reaches it's peak. lectro, while he cant sing, he is a lyrical genius and can rap off the top of his head really good, whereas void can struggle on the lyrical front a little but can hold a tune very well and this is where theyre REALLY IN IT. void to the point of almost getting heated enough to start growing instable. lectro, noticing this, puts an end to it at 2:25, which leads me to my next point!

2:25 is where lectro offers a kind of musical peace offering, singing to void the leitmotif to event horizon, to which in void's opinion is his most prized work. to kinda imply "hey, i'm a fan of your work! this battle has only made me more impressed with your skill!

with this void kind of snaps out of it, singing his melody back to him with his usual ego back in full swing, going back to his usual smug facade

void then sings his other leitmotif (also from event horizon) to kinda test lectro, and of course lectro does know it, he is actually an admirer but in more of a "i understand your skill and style" kind of way

this loosens void up the most with this, and then he starts actually having fun with lectro, starting to kind of admire him and both appreciate his knowledge of his own music. obviously. he has to get the ego stroke first

after that it just is a fun little battle! theyre both obviously still competing but its just fun jabs and playing off eachothers style

3:12 is when they just ramp up the fun, when void starts letting loose and singing those higher notes, ruffling his hair and letting himself get lost in the tunes (that doesn't go unnoticed by lectro) so when lectro repeats his notes and song its just a good ol time

when that verse ends theyre just circling eachother and riffing and dancing along to the music and getting up close and personal but not as a challenge just as a sense of comraderie and giving into the joy and the moment

void starts deeming this a good point to wrap up, reprising his event horizon motif to end it off on the best note he can (and OBVIOUSLY what better way to end it off than a modified motif from his own music? duh?) lectro obviously happy to oblige

he remixes the tune more, while still keeping the essence the same to end the song off with a nice final verse, and lectro joining in for a final duet with a shared long note, that void cuts himself off to leave lectro singing by himself, where when it clicks he's singing alone he lets out a sudden choked laugh, and the song is done!

as i said before im not super keen on crossover aus (i really like stories standing on their own, finding their own strengths through itself) but this song is really good i couldn't help the urge. and i love lectro and im a void kinnie so WHO CARES!

#OK. THAT WAS A LOT. LOL #despite it all i still kin the hell out of void #rambles #vs void #vs muzix medley #void fnf #lectro fnf #sorry for the maintags again gotta be sure i can find this later if i so desire

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fllagellant · 1 year

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ok sending u two!! :] 4 for andromeda and 9 for the trilogy (and whatever characters ur thinking of, if you want)

THIRTEEN SONGS COMING FRESH OFF THE GRILL !! Due to how long this will be I will put this under a read more ! Also I will be skipping any songs from the OSTs for the games bc . That feels like Cheating

Andromeda first …

1. Runaway - Tyto Grey

“But if you give me your Heart,

I’ll give you Mine.”

PEEBEE SONG . Specifically a Peeb in the beginnings of a romance . This song makes me think of her + Sara due to the singer calling their lover a ‘ Goddess ‘ but .. anything can be gender neutral if you want it to be . A song about someone wanting to run away , make a big name for themself before they can’ t , but not wanting to do it alone . It’ s not worth it alone . It’ s only meaningful if their lover and muse is with them . Idk man this is VERY Peeble to me . Definitely picturing a Remtech ruin confession for this song < 33

2. Pomok naka Poktoinskwes ( Casey MQ Remix ) - Jeremy Dutcher

MUSIC OF THE FUTURE . I can hear this playing in bars and nightclubs across the Initiatives many settlements . This is what Reyes hums while he works and what Sloane has playing when she’ s getting ready in the morning . This is what SAM has on shuffle in the Pathfinder’ s quarters and this is what Gil plays during long repairs . This is what bartenders dance to and what gets people moving . This is one of the first songs the Angara hear . They feel a connection to the chanting and the beat of it all . Yeah < 3

3. It’s Called: Freefall -Rainbow Kitten Surprise

“You could let it All Go, you could let it All Go

It’s Called: Freefall. It’s Called: Freefall.”

Ohhh god Vetra song . Vetra before she fully commits to the Initiative . Vetra still holding onto Milky Way contacts . People she cannot rely on but can talk to . People who do not care about her , but push her to join anyways . Vetra trying to get help without getting it . Vetra . This is her trying to talk to her contacts and getting nowhere but being told to just do it . This is her final bit of hesitation before she joins them . This is her in-between . Her final days with her Milky Way contacts who won’ t be following her

4. Honey in the Hair - Blackbird Raum

“I’m just walking in Circles…

I see the Lines in Chalk on the Ground.”

Not normally a band I listen to and think “ sci - fi ! “ but that is the point isn’ t it ! Early games vibes for me . The crew altogether but facing this mass responsibility . From the failing colonies to the dominating threat , from the political catch up they have to play to the political importance they’ ve gained all at once . The weirdness of it . The strange whimsy that comes with it . The feeling of going nowhere but knowing it’ s all changing . Knowing they’ ll be doing something so far out from what they originally planned to do , and having a strange sort of almost peace about it

Okok Trilogy time < 3

1. After Dark - Mr. Kitty

“Your lips were Soft like Winter,

In your Passion, I was Lost.”

STARTING OFF STRONG HUH . Me3 love confession . Literally fits any and all romance I think . I think this hit more harder for me3 only romances since the song is about that desperate yearning and wanting to confess before it’ s impossible to . This song is for all romances but I think it belongs to Femshep/Traynor and Mshep/Cortez a bit more . Also hurts a bit more when it’ s with Shepard and a character that cannot be romance bc it’ s like .. they never got that confession . That closure . There’ s something about the desperation and just needing to let the other person know . Even if they do not reciprocate . Just so they know you loved them . You always loved them .

2. Alien Blues - Vunderbar

“I try to tell you what I Think

And play it off like it’s a Joke.”

Hmm Joker : ) . The barely contained bitterness and the constant back and forth . Knowing he’ s ostracized and making jokes about it , but still being upset with it . Wondering what he could do differently but knowing it won’ t matter . Guilt with who he is , how he sees himself . Fits no matter what era of his life he is in . A farmboy . A pilot in training who isn’ t respected . A pilot with no ship . A man at the end of the world . A man mad after everything . A man who deserves to have a bit of bitterness

3. Come As You Are - Nirvana

“As I want you to Be

As a Trend, As a Friend,

As a known Memoria.”

Nirvana just feels like a band James would listen to , so it’ s hard not to connect him to their songs . This makes me thing of a younger James , at least a James before ME2 . He’ s struggling . He doesn’ t fully know what he wants to be or how he sees the people around him . He already has a streak for being less than cautious with himself . He doesn’ t know who will be there the next day , who he might have to leave behind . He can keep the memories , everyone can be kept in a memory . But he still needs to find how they fit in while they still know each other .

4. Sisters - The Halluci Nation

MORE MUSIC OF THE FUTURE . This is the type of song Jack would blast from her little hidey hole on a good day . Music that is illegally downloaded and shared around the Normandy . Glyph would play this to get the party more rowdy I think . A song to get people on their feel and MOVING . Someone DEFINITELY listens to this while in combat . Do I have a definitive answer ? No . Can I picture everyone listening to this on the battlefield ? Yes and I cannot narrow it down just yet . Get on your moccasins big boy we got a Reaper to take down

5. Repeat After Me - KONGOS

“So hard to leave what I've defended,

So hard to separate what's blended.”

Indoctrinated characters RISE ‼️‼️ this song is about religious / catholic guilt so be careful if you listen ! But I can definitely take this and apply it to Saren + Benezia very easily . Characters who have moments of clarity and knowing what the Reapers are doing to them , but not having enough power anymore to fully pull away . Too many ifs , too many maybes , too many nights spent hearing the whispers of the Reapers . Repeating their words while having that voice in the back of their heads questioning and wondering if they can still get away from all this . Just knowing what is happening to you but not being able to stop it and the realizations of your condition so few and far in between

6. Cluster - Slipknot

“So Cut, Cut, Cut me up

And Fuck, Fuck, Fuck me up.”

Combat theme . Everyone at the end of their ropes , the candle that was burned at both ends , the final push to tip them over . Angry with where they are , how they ended up there . How everything could have been simpler , how things could have been prepared for . The sort of anger that makes it hard to focus right , the kind of anger that numbs pain , the kind of pain that pushes further and further . I think Javik would fucking LOOOVE Slipknot but that is a different discussion . Idk man everyone has their limits and I think everyone deserves to got a bit batshit rage off the walls violence on the field after seeing the Horrors they have . Just for fun . Maybe for shits and giggles

( i have officially lost audio link rights here . uh Oh )

7. Curl - Jack Stauber

“When you turn the Master Key,

You’re Higher than a Star!”

Ohhh Crew bonding . Teasing each other . Hanging out together . Going on brief shore-leaves together . Reminding each other to try and live a bit . Remember the happy moments that they get , and not to let them go . It’ s them reminding each other they can still live , they are still alive and they’ re allowed to live . Take joy in the now , find joy in the now . Live now , even if it is hard . Even if it is difficult . Help each other find whatever joy they can , make sure they do not feel guilt for the joy . Giving each other something to look forward to , after everything is over . They’ ve always cares for each other , it’ s time to show it . Now that it matters more than ever

8. Fireworks - The Tragically Hip

“Complete with the Grip of Artificial Chaos,

And believing in the Country of Me and You.”

Oh hello Mr. Kaidan alenko . How are you . This song is so loudly Canadian it is hard to not picture him . This makes me think of Kaidan and his LI postwar . Learning how to live , navigating normalcy . Becoming more civilian than solider , after everything is over . Since I have my own personal biases I AM picturing Joker and Kaidan specifically . It doesn’ t help I believe that the Moreaus came from Manitoba . So it’ s both of them , going back to Canada . Settling down again , falling into a rhythm with each other . Just relearning what it means to be people after everything . Also the bit about seeing fireworks in the distance . Yes . Far enough away the sound is muted or just not there . Just watching the lights . Kaidan and his LI . Finding normalcy < 3

9. Gronlandic Edit - of Montreal

“I guess it would be Nice, to give my heart to a God,

But which one, which one do I Choose?”

Something about funky little beats and the tone of this song make me picture that blue archeologist . In between ME1 and ME2 . Those strange two years . Being a recluse , trying to figure out how to live again . She has to learn how to reach out to people , find her drive again . She’ s willing to stagnate , but that doesn’ t mean she should . And she knows that . Liara can have her struggles and weird girl moments anytime she wants . Because this song definitely is that . Liara lives in a state of limbo for six months and this was playing on loop the whole time . She’ s just feeling a little funny don’ t worry ( maybe you should worry )

#sorry this took me forever the app kept deleting my progress < / 3 #mass effect #mass effect andromeda #THIS WAS VERY FUN AND JOYOUS TO DO #I did end up skipping some of the ost songs like i thought I would have to #seeing virmire ride shuffle on like hm wonder what i’ ll be thinking of #i' ll reblog and link the missing songs < / 3 if i' m allowed too #ALSO THANK YEW JAYY < 33

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wrecking · 7 months

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ok i know i say this every month now bc i'm old but like HOW is february already over. it just like got super warm and ended instantly like great month. anyways uh this one is defs gonna be one i look back on and cackle at. like what is this list. open for a little bit of commentary on each one bc ya

lady gaga - artpop (highlight this month - mary jane holland) : kind of an odd pick but tbh it's just kinda been in my head this month? messy and maximalist but very fun

kylie minogue - disco extended mixes (last chance) : this thing is just so good. super fun sleek listen and last chance is my fav of them all

boygenius - the record (cool about it) : shockingly to absolutely no one, women are still beating me with hammers, which will continue until i die

men i trust - untourable album (organon) : really good album that i spend random amounts of time with, but always lingers around in my head regardless of whether i listen to it or not tbh

yeule - softscars (4ui12) : 2023 didn't have many albums of note but the ones that were of note were Really Of Note cuz like holy shit this thing is so good. please just put the wav files playable on my tombstone

frost children - speed run (hi 5) : random choice but i've been watching the hi 5 video too much on youtube to not include this here

kesha - gag order (all i need is you) : really went under everyone's radars but wow what an album. perfect for the messy healing process and boy am i in that right now

aldous harding - warm chris (she'll be coming round the mountain) : probably not as good as i originally made it out to be, but damn the highs are high, and by the highs i mean the entire b side of this thing. all 5 of them

dorian electra - freak mode frost children remix : this is your free cringe comp pick for this month, enjoy the lack of taylor this time. anyways the base album is alright but not quite my thing, but this remix just fucks ok it's just fun and silly and funny. frost children sweep

cafune - love songs for the end (unchained memory) : i'll be waiting for a time where perspective doesn't stop me in my tracks every time i hear the opening guitar

deltarune - my castle town : yep i'm coping again

yeule - glitch princess (don't be so hard on your own beauty) : presented without comment

lizzy mcalpine - five seconds flat (reckless driving) : idk this has just snuck up on me, fun pleasant listen and i like her vibe a lot

ethel cain - preacher's daughter (hard times) : presented without comment

troye sivan - something to give each other (one of your girls) : this album has some bores on it but the bops are so good. troye please make a no-ballads album or something, for me

aly & aj - with love from (6 months of staring into the sun) : wrote this album off at its release but it's been growing on me, defs more subdued and a less immediate listen than a touch of the beat(...) but it's so good when it hits right

caroline polachek - desire i want to turn into you everasking edition (spring is coming with a strawberry in the mouth) : i still think this album probably doesn't hold a candle to pang, but i have to admit the deluxe version let me recontextualize it. not sure what was wrong with the original release but i kinda just ended up :/ abt it after like 2 weeks and now i'm like ok wait this is bops

paramore - this is why (the news) : when will this not be on here. it's so good they can do no wrong seriously

patricia taxxon - bicycle (big wheel) : finally starting to listen to her and damn what an intro. good sounds amazing sounds the autism won

mitski - the land is inhospitable and so are we (the frost) : this thing never leaves me alone like it's evergreen. all her other albums have the occasional song i care less about but this thing is perfect

lucy dacus - home video (thumbs) : presented without comment

willow - copingmechanism (hover like a godess) : so good, finally revisiting it after fixating on it in the middle of last year. holds up incredibly well

pinkpantheress - heaven knows (ophelia) : speaking of holding up well, this thing just gets better the more that i listen to it. she made me a stan i gotta say

hayley williams - flowers for vases (hyd) : this is such a depression spiral album. love it so much

allie x - girl with no face (black eye) : god this fucking album. i really don't have words like it's messy it's silly it's batshit it's brilliant. i don't think it's better than cape god per se, but god is it a strong contender for the title of her best work

#d #m

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formulatrash · 2 years

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2022 top intrusive thoughts

Do we still post our songs of the year on Tumblr? I forget how I've been doing it for the past few years. Whatever, Gen Z, here's my top songs of 2022 and a long ramble about the state of everything in my head.

My favourite songs of the year is a sort of mental breakdown only loosely about music. It’s more of a Hazelwipe of whatever mess we’re seeing some purely-numerical way out of and into the next one.

This year is about death. And grief. And love, stored in a big, white cat. It’s a bit like a webweave with a playlist and the thing I’m mythologising is my own year but haven’t we all been desperately in need of an alternate universe?

It’s annoying that ‘what is grief, if not love persevering?’ is a Marvel quote. But there we go, how appropriate for a year that certainly made me want to face god and walk backwards into hell. The thing is, there’s a difference between grief and loss and I don’t think that 2022 has actually involved a lot of grieving. Just losing and then staring at the void in blank uncomprehension because how are you supposed to just accept that people and things are gone that way.

I’m old enough that there have been years where a few friends or relatives have died. There’s never been a year before where that’s hit double figures. And what right do I have to feelings about it, anyway? It’s not me that’s dead.

I know that’s not how it works. But if ghosts are supposed to be spirits that haven’t passed on, still stuck on something holding them to earth then, well, that seems kinda silly but also a blunt metaphor for complicated feelings you can’t process yet.

What’s more of a haunting than an invasive thought? All my friends are dead, right in the middle of something you were trying to behave normally about but why should you? Why would anything be normal at a time like this?

I have thought about wanting to go home a lot this year. I don’t know where I mean by that. Maybe it’s this list. Maybe this is the campfire embers that give you the excuse of smoke for weeping. Maybe just mundanely curating a top fifteen songs that have been looped into numbness is the annual, purgative equivalent of the dishes somehow being there waiting to be washed, regardless of the DEFCON level.

In which case: the rules of this (“””rules”””) are that I have to be at least somewhat convinced the song came out this year and only one song per artist, unless it’s a guest spot or possibly a remix in which case that’s just whatever. LFG

Here is the playlist

15. Next to Normal - Lucius

There were a bunch of Lucius tracks that nearly made it onto here. It’s probably an indictment of how basic I am that the one that made it on is the most squelchy disco instead of lovingly crafted acoustics or whatever but there’s no time for shame, on the songs of the year list.

The opening line of the opening song of this being I lost some friends/along the way is probably a little too on-the-nose. The next line, though, being laughing at the wrong times/saying things too straight, is a different thing.

I’m feeling old, lately. Not really in the sense of thinking I’m going to die, although there’s a bit of me that’s like damn I may not get to do whatever things I want to do, just in a like: heck, think I might be stuck like this way. This is, in fact, what I am doing when I grow up. I am not going to become normaler.

And ok yeah, with massive amounts of therapy and self-development and space and money and time I could probably rewire myself into something more functional. In the interim I have to swing between running in safe mode and developing if not coping methods than at least a deep understanding of exactly which bits are buggy and how to work round them. It’s a contortion and of course it’s not what top medical professionals suggest for dealing with whatever the fuck is wrong with you but I’m hoping that, in lieu of fixing me, I can at least make it funny.

Squelchy disco is definitely funny, at the same time as fixing absolutely nothing.

14. Slow Song - The Knocks & Dragonette

This is too shiny, too full of love, to really have a place in 2022. But then, even in times like these there’s tenderness innit.

Despite what I just said about the previous song, I have been in this years-long attempt to get better. I do not want to be as severely mentally ill as I am, it’s really bad and there’s also this like, general switch-off from life I’ve had where I don’t know what I enjoy anymore. Maybe nothing.

And one of the things I did to try and improve stuff was get a cat. Not a nice, normal cat, obviously, a semi-demonic, extremely elderly ex-feral cat with dementia who it’d probably be best to describe as “difficult” and “hostile.”

She’s a big, weird, fluffy cloud and when she’s being really truly possessed and just heavy-thunk-walking around the flat, intermittently screaming then some nice middle-of-the-road music actually stops her being a freak. She’s particularly committed to a few old tracks I’m not a huge fan of (the emergency reset button for Indy is Layla) but this is where we can cross over, in a song about the tender, long term familiarity of love, even when it’s not a conventional fairytale.

I got ways of losing you baby/I’m faster than whatever you’re chasing shouldn’t, really, be almost heartbreakingly devotional but it is. The idea of love that’s so well-established you can fuck with it, that knowing you can’t be conventional is no problem because there’s trust there anyway - returning to each other like a song loop. Well, maybe there is some aspirational hope for love, after all. Something still to want.

In the meantime, there is a big, white cat purring like a broken tractor because she likes sitting with me and listening to music. And that’s pretty great, if I’m honest.

13. Broke - BEGINNERS (St Lucia Remix)

This just stumbled into my Spotify release radar at some point and became one of my most-played songs of the year. It’s a glittery electropop banger, under St Lucia’s expert moulding and it’s about making bad life choices - something I am very expert in.

Something this year has definitely told me is that there is no point waiting and saving things. You don’t know that you’re going to get to them. It’s always better to be broke than lonely is extremely bad financial advice but I’d rather be poor than miss out on the limited number of things I still do outside work.

Comfort hedonism is obviously ridiculous as a concept and not exactly likely to be a long-term solution but sometimes saying seeing your friends is worth it, that you’d rather eat instant noodles than miss a night in the pub.

Maybe it’s morbid that nearly everything I’ve felt this year has orbited the black hole gravity pit of loss but making sense of something senseless is a recursive, looping process.

I listened to this a lot when things were getting very bad, this summer. When I knew I had to stop doing the work I loved, that I already didn’t enjoy anything outside of - the bright, glittery, arms-in-the-air shout of I’m trying to stop/having all these bad thoughts rattled round the inside of my head while I locked off more boxes of things it’s not possible to think about and shoved them into cold storage.

In all that rigorously enforced minimalism there’s something so warm to the embrace of your seat, in your pub, with your conversation. To finding something - else, anything - to talk about still. And I was gonna be broke anyway, so what’s it worth being miserable over.

12. Dance For You - Empress Of

Every year I manage to write this list there’s some track about yearning for dancefloors and staying out too long and it used to be because I still did that sort of thing and now I guess I don’t. Not cus I’m old, that’s bollocks, I’m sure I could stay up later than most 24 year olds and actually I was out until like, 6am the other week but well, no one does anymore do we?

Maybe someone is. This is probably just another one of the things I’ve given up doing because I don’t know how to enjoy it anymore. Which is probably why nothing intended for a three-glasses-of-white-wine-and-a-shot-of-sambucca dancefloor invasion is on here, just this, the gentle, warm, melancholy echo of dancing.

Like setting down an empty bottle and your heels on an abandoned dancefloor and sliding a foot across to see if your tights stick, under your toes. If there’s enough residue of what was all that messy, throwaway, momentary stuff until everything became tediously monumental.

It’s a sad spell to conjure something back but the votive flame licks enough bpm through it to keep the sparks going. Kiss the morning/on the head/in the body of a woman on the last dance - forgetting how to dance is one thing, maybe just remembering how to come back home happy’d be enough progress.

11. No One Dies From Love - Tove Lo

This is just a very good Tove Lo song and the No one dies from love/guess I’ll be the first chorus is absolutely banging melodrama. Proper 80s ballad stylings on a bunch of levels, not least the thrumming call-and-repeat chorus.

Obviously being hideously dramatic about a heartbreak is important. I don’t know if I can actually do that anymore. But I respect anyone who can and the scenery-chewing scale of being like “I actually am going to be the first person who straight-up dies about it.” And the synths hum and push it forwards, out of the dirge territory the vocals are in danger of hitting otherwise (please tell me there are no acoustic versions) in a way that contrasts just enough to keep it all interesting.

There are things I can’t talk about to don’t want you moving on when it’s my end but that’s by the by. It’s just a sad banger.

10. CUFF IT - Beyoncé

You know who seems to have her life 100% under control to the tiniest minutiae? Beyoncé. So I respect that a lot of her songs are actually about either being or wanting to be a messy bitch. I don’t know if they’re written autobiographically because Beyoncé doesn’t have to tell us and it doesn’t change the fact they’re true either way. Take this, which is a bubbly little number about wanting to get wrecked and fuck your life up.

As an area of expertise, for me, that’s naturally of interest. I feel like falling in love/I’m in the mood to fuck something up mm, yeah, maybe not the love but I get the overall vibe. Absolutely wrecking things with the good times. I’d assume B meant like, actually good times or maybe romantic ones but there’s a little discordancy to the track and it’s particularly in the trilling, smooth, hysteria of the way she delivers I wanna go missing/I need a prescription.

Sometimes, when you are going through a city in the dark, in the back or a passenger seat of a car and you’ve already had a few, there’s this like, electric knowledge that you’re gonna fuck something (yourself) up. It’s exciting and horrifying, like jumping out of a plane but the suspension’s smooth and you’re warm and secure, it’s just the choice that’s a little like jumping. This song gets that, golden lights streaming past the window and all.

9. The Fall - Zola Jesus

In ‘things that shock no one’ I, an old goth, like Zola Jesus’ dark, creeping semi-classical. This is one of her most straightforwardly poppy songs for ages, almost an MOR rock chorus and some lovely synths a bit like Everywhere by Fleetwood Mac.

It’s probably the unlikely ‘Zola Jesus songs that sound a bit like The Fray’ area that appeals almost exclusively to a venn diagram of me but as a brooding bit of mood-absorption that can cathartically bleed things off through the earphones cable it’s really excellent.

Then about halfway through it sort of flips and becomes, frankly, even more like ‘Zola Jesus does The Fray’ with a middle eight breakdown that takes all the sludge off it and goes for some light rock stylings before a plunge into aimless, much-more-Zola-Jesus-y echoing for twenty seconds or so.

It’s just a grumpy, curmudgeonly bit of dadrock and I like that.

8. Feedback - La Roux, Baby Tate

It’s pretty weird that I have a playlist called La Roux Songs About Driver Assist Functions that now has three tracks on it. It almost feels cringe being a car person and putting this in my tracks of the year but also half the reason I like it is because I think it’s very funny.

But also I’ve been stepping on the gas when I break down, I’m in here running laps when it rains down ok thanks for this blunt metaphor for breaking yourself in a motorsport context. Other banging lines like might swap my twitter for a journal/tried to run but I’m running into hurdles I mean, it’s fucking on the nose like a punch but sometimes someone accidentally puts your own invasive thoughts and cyclical breakdowns into a little fun, bouncy banger that’s coincidentally got a load of car metaphors.

The Weeknd (who I think of as existing somewhere in the timeline of La Roux roughly the way Britney Spears was briefly ‘the American Billie Piper’) does a lot of car related shit but the real automotive fiend in the coked up paranoid electropop space is La Roux. I find it kinda fascinating and I'd love to interview her about it because it's not the same status stuff as with hyperpop's car fixation, it's that she just seems to think about things through various car functions. About actual driving, more than cars even - which is pretty cool to me, obviously because I'm a nerd but also just like, striking as a pop motif.

7. Wasteman - Kate Nash

Didn’t have a break up this year, so maybe it’s weird this one made it in. Well, I lie; didn’t have a break up with a human being I was in a romantic relationship with, just had one of those ones where you realise letting go of years of excruciating effort is the only logical conclusion over something you love that’s really fucking you up. It’s just in my case that was an electric racing series, which is kind of very funny and maybe I’ll do some stand up about it one day.

“You know,” I’ll say, “when you’re into that stage where you can’t remember what made you feel good about spending any time with them and you still love them but you can’t imagine any way where it works out for you to be happy, with all this water under the bridge and you’ve said for years it’s your fault and you’ll find a way and then they finally cross a line that makes you think - oh fuck you?”

Oh yeah, the audience is thinking. Yeah, when things have just got like, harrowingly bitter but there’s a freedom to the revelation you can just grieve it. It’s gone. It was making you worse and things worse and no matter how much you wanted it it wasn’t going to work out.

And they won’t know I’m talking about a stupid, misaligned, increasingly acerbic relationship with a racing series that saved my life five years ago. Something I fell in love with when I didn’t think I could fall in love again. Something that gave me a sense of purpose and joy and hope when I really needed it last time so it’s not just been a waste, man.

But there’s a point where you have to reclaim a little bit of yourself from the sadness and sometimes that means realising you fucking hate them, just a little bit. That this isn’t fair and you’re sad about it but also there has to be that moment where like: it’s done, it’s gone, you can’t do anything about this anymore. Yes, there are probably other universes where it worked out better but you’re not in them.

This song helps because it eases you into it like a friend gently explaining that actually, yes, you do have to do this. Let's you turn it around a few times in your own brain with the repetition like the loop conversations anyone who’s had to tell a friend that, yes, you have to get rid of that guy.

And then the strings kick in and it’s that shoulder shrug of sometimes there being nothing you can do. Doesn’t matter how much you put in or how much you are owed by the universe for this. It didn’t work, it didn’t happen - it is true a lot in motorsport and yes it’s because I’m me, too queer too, too loud, too willing to battle it out on principles, too not in a position to be able to do that. Maybe too insecure, eventually - but I’d like to see the men who call me that on Twitter ship themselves transatlantically and across the world on a hope and a prayer.

Of course it’s always me but ultimately, it could have worked if enough people had bought into not just the idea of me but what I was doing. It’s ok, it’s over. Maybe it’s good to become a less desperate human being.

Took me some time to see/you’re actually shady

You fucking take the piss/I must have been crazy

You cannot win them all. (but bro, I would’ve really liked to win this one and it hurts like hell and this is my song for when I feel like I want to slink back and beg)

6. Black Mascara - RAYE

This is solidly into the things I can’t speak about, emotionally.

Musically, this is just a triumph; a beautiful, dark work about how screwed you are. A spectacular, layered, four-poster of what you’ve done to me, what you’ve done to me - I don’t want to be that person. Neither does this song. But there it is, stacking on top of itself in impossible, towering pressure.

5. Beg For You - Charli XCX & Rina Sawayama

This is so warm and urgent and gorgeous and so desperate for that human contact off a plane. I only took 27 flights in 2022 which is low for me but still horrific for the planet, all were for work. Not getting collected is miserable - not getting dropped off is worse. A few years ago I didn’t mind leaving home at all because home was a boat with no door but now I’ve just managed to get my life enough together to have some sense of a place and people and big, warm, marshmallow cat to come back to that’s definitely mine. Maybe I’m finally doing that becoming a person bit I probably should have worked out 15 years ago.

Anyway, this - half-angry and very soppy and completely in love, is gorgeous. It’s all desperation and longing and wanting to spend more time with someone even when you’re with them, about the comfort of being known without having to be seen. About the giddiness of missing someone with the excitement they’ll be back.

I don’t actually know if my friends miss me when I’m away, they might well be glad I’ve fucked off for a bit frankly but I miss them when they go. I got really offended a month or so ago when everyone was busy or out of the country simultaneously and like, what, I’m meant to hang out with people outside the six ones I’ve decided are home? Outrageous. Why would no one cater to my needs like this.

Turning into the cat aside, this is an early-00s garage banger turned sweetly desperate and that’s exactly the kind of thing I’m into.

4. Somebody Like You - Bree Runway

I had a lot of formative musical experiences in the 90s when a Phil Collins/Annie Lennox style synth ballad of ludicrously dramatic proportions was the height of pop performance. So this In The Air Tonight-scale enormo-pop thing isn’t really what I expected from Bree Runway but does hit a very specific spot. I feel like it deserves more words for being this far up the list but nope: it’s just a very massive ballad and it slaps.

3. This Hell - Rina Sawayama

Cute, very late-00s pop about burning eternally in the after life as a shared queer celebratory experience is a genre I think there should be a lot more of.

It’s weird cus like, I know I am in queer but tend to think I don’t really face all that much homophobia or whatever, apart from off my mum and Fernando Alonso fans. But like, it’s a pretty tough time to be in the LGBTQ+ community, isn’t it? There’s the Qatar world cup, the constant violent attacks, the legislative pushes to make us illegal to speak about, ‘gender critical’ misogyny and appalling transphobia, queer people hurt and harmed and demonised and treated as threats, as something filthy.

Idk if it’s the microaggressive oppression-collusion of the way motorsport fans reach for the smelling salts at the first sign of anything remotely queer, like it’s too filthy for the world to ever know about. Or the outright abuse from transphobes, convinced they can ‘just tell’ that a cis woman would never support trans people being able to live their fucking lives like anyone else.

And a Xenomania-esque, unrepentant pop song that turns the idea of eternal damnation into an endless love is just - honestly, give it all the prizes. I’m sick of media explaining it’s hard to be queer, that’s for straight people. I wanna hear that it’d be worth any vision of hell for a chance at love, that it’s good to be us regardless. That the shitness of the world is better together, that it pays off to stay.

2. 2 Be Loved (Am I Ready) - Lizzo

It’s really, just. Like. Embarrassing to hate yourself when you’re 36. Like, come on, I should be over this, I need that brain capacity for other things. I can’t be worrying about whether anyone thinks I’m hot for fuck’s sake, we’re past that event horizon.

And yet. Here we are. I can pick at everything from my physical failings to my personal or professional ones, my myriad of mental health issues, my laundry list of trauma. I don’t even want a relationship - or I’m too scared of the idea, at least, now. I wouldn’t expect anyone to put up with this. I’m surprised the cat even does.

Beyond any of that, I guess it’d be nice to be able to take a compliment without having a mental breakdown. Accept that people will sometimes praise my work without it snapping shut a bear trap in my head that literally hurts me.

I listened to this all the way to Mexico and back last month. The full 11 hours. I feel like I can trust it in a way most coming-out-of-the-self-esteem-crisis anthems don’t. Lizzo is obviously amazingly hot and ludicrously cool. But I can believe she doesn’t always think that about herself. Can understand the idea of having to put in work to not hate yourself.

At the end of the day, it’s a shiny pop song about finally finding love and of course I’m getting soppy in my old age but that’s hopeful. That it’s worth the work of bothering to deal with the mess in your head because there’s something to be gained from seeking out and accepting love. That there's still value to wanting things.

1. Were We Ever - Kyla La Grange

If there are alternate universes, with every point that something happens branching into all possible consequences, then it feels as though those are being snuffed out. Everything turning into a narrowing funnel towards a future no one wants to be in. And yet I wish my friends were still with me to see it.

This is the song I didn’t loop but somehow turned up in my Spotify Wrapped most played. Every time I think about my dead friends and the insane circumstances, I can’t really think. I don’t have the emotional range, maybe, for so much loss. I know who and what to blame but there’s no fixing it, for that. Destroying weapons is worthwhile but for its own sake, not because it will undo what they’ve done. Curing diseases is good but it can’t bring anyone back. There are a million what ifs to a lot of things and when they converge into whatever is going forwards there’s no take backs.

This song sits in the sulky liminal. About a relationship crumbling but it might as well be about reality in general; were we ever happy? Was there a point where it was possible to hold each other? What existed before the static-roar of whatever this is now?

I don’t know. Or well, intellectually I do, a little bit - it’s painful to think about, though, which is why the white noise has to be so all-consuming.

This is quiet and calm and furious. It’s not about shock or sudden pain. It’s about what everything has felt like it’s about this year; looping a single thought until you can let it go like a held breath. Holding on in there until the shaking subsides. Keeping your nerve through the impossible. Not screaming.

The if you would’ve held me like that, I wouldn’t forget it refrain is a type of mournful anger that’s accepting as much as it’s denying. The insistent chime feels like the pushing on of time, clocks not stopping even when life does. That’s the thing, isn’t it - it all just relentlessly carries on, regardless of who’s no longer there.

When I can’t think about the things that are intruding on my thoughts, this fills the space. It’s just cathartic enough that it doesn’t jar. It’s angry but realistic with it, which helps because what’s the point at raging at death, you might as well fight gravity. I find it very hard to talk about my feelings because my fury at Putin’s monstrous actions is one thing and my grief for my friends is another, something sharper and more personal - they died politically and senselessly but I remember them personally and with meaning, from the way they touched my life.

If you woulda held me like that, I wouldn’t forget it - I don’t know when it will stop feeling like 2022. I don’t know when the static can be turned down. I don’t even know which order to feel things in, when it gets to the future. On the darker days, I don’t know if there’ll be one - there isn’t, for so many people. But there is something about holding and being held, not forgetting. The future is dangerously statistical, except the things you remember.

There isn’t a bright note to end on here. It’s 2022 and it’s dark. But if you need one: go hold something, be held. Keep something in your heart, even if it feels impossibly fragile right now.

#non motorsport writing #long post

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manysmallhands · 9 months

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My Favourite Songs of 2023 part 1: 40 - 31

The route to this post has not been the smoothest. I've been working on this list since the end of November but I got Covid a few weeks ago and so writing became impossible for a while. Given the amount of time that's passed between then and now, it's become clear to me that some of my choices would be different if i did them over again. However, I am sticking to my original version of the list, a few ups and downs notwithstanding. This is because of one reason and one reason only: I am lazy and I don't want to do it again. My apologies to Troye Sivan and Baby Queen, who i'd probably have found places for amongst others. I can only imagine the streams these artists will lose by not being covered in my blog posts and I hope they can find it in their hearts to forgive me.

However! Every song here is still a banger and, even if I think there might be one or two that are better, surely that only adds to the fun of speculation: Which could it be? Which ones would I have left out? Don't imagine it's definitely the songs with the lowest numbers: my method of ranking is fairly haphazard and I might go so far as to say that these numbers are a load of old bollocks. Still, I've enjoyed myself writing this and, given the infinitesimal number of people who will read it, that is surely the thing that counts. I'm posting the songs in rounds of ten cos that's all that Tumblr will let me embed at a time. Let's go!

40. Girl Ray - Everybody’s Saying That

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Girl Ray’s disco turn has in all truth been a bit ropey but Everybody’s Saying That is the best exception, all Nile Rogers shimmer and effortless Studio 54 cool. Poppy Hankin chimes in with the self confidence of the misfit (“Everybody’s saying that you could’ve done better but I really wanna end up with you!”), striking out with winningly frank charm against a backdrop of glittery nightlife

39. En Attendant Ana - Fools And Kings

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En Attendant Ana’s third LP was a surprise critical hit but it was the more delicate songs which really stood out for me. Fools And Kings in particular ditches the jangly mathrock approach for a gentler, almost old style RnB feel, as Margaux moves to a more human level lyrically. I don’t think there’s another moment across the album nearly as touching as when she sings “Are you OK y’know?”, a question that we'd all benefit by hearing from time to time.

38. Cassö, RAYE, D-Block Europe - Prada

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This thumping remix of DBE and RAYE��s Ferrari Horses takes the original understated vocal performances and hammers at them with a full range of doofs, bleeps, icy synths and the general sense of being in the middle of a cocaine heart attack. The result was wedged in the top 3 for weeks this autumn and, while doomed never to top the charts, it still feels as bracing as the first time I heard it.

37. Maple Glider - Dinah

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Maple Glider is one of the new breed of folky singer songwriters but Dinah in particular has the same light as air charm as the sweetest kind of indiepop. Lyrically though, the song tells a much darker story, a tale of sexual abuse in the church where the ingenuousness in her voice underlines the deeply uncomfortable places that it goes. There's an obvious sense of queasiness in that contrast but Dinah's tuneful charm manages to hold it all together.

36. Dimension - DJ Turn It Up

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I’ve spent a lot of the last 6 months listening to Radio 1 and this sort of 90s style rave banger is the kind of thing they play a lot. DJ Turn It Up has stuck with me more than most though: maybe that's cos it was the one of the first that I heard, or possibly because of the way the vocal is used as a kind of rhythm track rather than the focal point, relying on the song's musical hooks and twitchy energy to wind up the listener. Whatever it is, DJ Turn It Up slaps: do as the lady says.

35. Talib Kweli/Madlib - Marathon Thru Babylon

Following on from last year’s excellent Black Star reunion (also produced by Madlib), Kweli’s solo project was just as good, with Marathon Thru Babylon providing one of the highlights. Madlib’s signature of grainy old soul samples and booming beats underpins Talib and Mechell Ndegeocello as they trade verses on the nature of time and its malcontents and throw in some conspiracy theory for good measure too. Mechell’s wake up sheeple ending may prompt me to crack a smile but in truth it all just adds to the song’s murky charm.

34. Charli XCX - Speed Drive

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One could make the case that Speed Drive has been phoned in a bit - trashy lyrics, yet another interpolation - but every time Charli says “HOT!” it probably makes me happier than I’ve been during any other song this year. The general impression I get from Speed Drive is that, not only would Charli and Barbie be fantastic pals, but also that I will cheerfully listen to any old bollocks that she puts out these days.

33. Free Love - Open The Door

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The Glasgow duo probably have fewer listeners than anyone in this list but they sounded like the band who were enjoying themselves the most in 2023. While their Insides album was a more eclectic mix overall, Open the Door sticks close to a Jean Michel Jarre-like template of the future, all laser shots and weird analogue FX, while Suzi Cook’s smartly accented vocals managed to keep an indie vibe within its razor sharp pop hooks.

32. Miley Cyrus - Used To Be Young

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Miley doing this kind of “looking back at my misspent youth” song aged 30 feels enjoyably transgressive in its own right but Used To Be Young is so much more than just its brilliant concept. A melodramatic power ballad with some fine turns of phrase, Miley stick two fingers up at the finger waggers and nails some genuinely colossal moments (her yelling of the title at 2.37 must surely become a karaoke staple) as the idea of Miley as ageing rock legend comes off as a surprisingly viable concept.

31. Lana Del Rey - The Grants

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There’s a gospel feel to the opener on Lana’s excellent Did You Know There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Boulevard album, switching between a gloomy tone and something more redemptive as she contemplates reaching across the great divide. The effect is as uplifting as anything she's ever done, capturing that classic Lana space between the heartfelt and theatrical to create a secret third emotion that intensifies the whole idea. It’s another variation on her standard trick but what can I say, I remain easily pleased.

More tomorrow, if i get my act together.

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cinamun · 2 years

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They don’t trust Hope. She left because she thought if she got some life experience or whatever went through her head, they would trust her more. Maybe she wanted to prove it to herself and her parents that she can do it. Now if it was Darren who would have put his hands on Hope like he used to do Indya (let us not forget) it would be a different conversation. They are a toxic couple that should’ve never gotten married, imo. To me they are facading “growth”. Again, I ask “where is it?” because whenever something comes up, they go back. That’s not growth. Is it because they live in a nice house and Indya is no longer using men? Is it because Darren is no longer punching people in the face? As a child, we want to understand where our parents come from and Hope is always “it’s ok”-ing and trying to be woke with her parents trauma. At some point, I believe we need to say, “So what about your trauma.” Why? Because at some point in this life, you need to be responsible for your own actions and words and not keep blaming what your mama, your daddy, the streets, who/whatever did to you. You need to heal it. These two have not dealt with any consequences of the b.s. they pulled to each other and now Hope and mostly likely Deera and DJ. You can not treat people any way you want to even those you parent. Hope can get the same treatment. She was disrespectful. They wrapped her so much in bubble wrap that she literally can’t live a life. Hope is going to get hurt anyway because that’s life. My point is so often we want to give grace to parents just because they are your parents. I’m SO over that. No amount of “sorry” can undo the harm that is done. There was a short story I read about a dad telling his son to hammer a nail into the fence whenever he was mad. Later he told him to remove the nails, while saying sorry. Although the nails were out, the residue is still there. I pray they can get through this, but something needs to change. When stuff like this happen, that’s why some parents end up being alone on their death bed and be wondering what went wrong. Or some kids hold stuff in and shows up in harmful ways such as self-harm. I think we’ve been giving them grace. I’m so sick it. I have no sides because everyone in this household is 1000% wrong. (2/2) Guess I had more characters allowed than I thought. XD. I am trying to root for them to be better but I am giving up Hope. I know for me I am forgiving until I get fed up. Then that grace turns to anger and I want to make others hurt 1000 times over. That's something I am working through. Human beings are trash sometimes. ><

Part one on the bottom. *cracks knuckles* Let's get into it:

I gotta say, if you haven't seen any growth from Darren and Indya throughout this entire story (started 7 years ago), I wonder if we're reading the same story! And that's not shade. The growth isn't just monetary. Its how they interact with each other in a way that is loving, nuturing and soft which has been woven very intricately throughout the story. Even Indya's mom showed empathy and warmth when she wanted to. I think you remember the bad things because they were very bad things so they stick out, but as Darren says, we prefer to leave the past right where it is.

A few things:

What they meant by "not going back" was infidelity, physical abuse, sleeping around for money, shooting people, you know... the life they were living. They haven't gone back.

Parenting level 9 is still there, in fact, Darren is level 9 as well. Even the best of parents have lost their shit with their kids.

"I got in one little argument and my mom got scared so she cussed me out and read me for filth when my siblings weren't there" (this is me, remixing the fresh prince theme song... work with me)

I honestly don't think the argument is strong enough for how this interaction with Hope is setting them back and continuing the cycle of generational trauma. This is the first time that Indya has reacted like this with Hope. Ever. And it wasn't for a minor offence, AND Hope clapped back a lil bit. Think about how many times they just ground her, or better yet, the time Indya didn't tell Darren about the weed, or the club...

Hope can't get "life experience" at 16 on the streets. That's what Indya had to do, that's what Indya and Darren are trying to prevent, right? So Hope didn't leave for that reason. And "she can do it" do what? Survive on the street? We don't want that...

We'll get into the trust part shortly.

Darren may very well still be punching people in the face.... I have no further comment at this time.

I would argue Indya and Darren are living the consequences of their previous actions by participating in the very difficult task of raising children to be healthy, happy, loved and cared for. They are not perfect, but you don't have to be perfect to be a parent.

I get how this situation is triggering. I truly do. I've also written these characters to behave in the exact way that they just did. I've also tried to be very clear about who they are. We are still learning who Hope and her siblings are.

Getting help, dealing with issues is something that happens throughout your life. You can get as far as you can, but I don't believe that you fix all your problems at any given point. Its progressive. So to say they should have "dealt with that" before having children, well... they did.

Its so curious to me that Indya has been cancelled by a few folks now for reacting in a way she was written to. And in a way that makes sense given the severity of what Hope did (everyone agrees it was very very bad).

I really like the nail analogy because even when you apologize the damage is still there. Like Hope, coming in the living room apologizing. She already damaged her parents. It goes both ways.

Finally, these little pixels are not the SimHuxtables as someone else put it. They are products of my wild imagination and there's no telling how they'll end up.

#story stuff #ok i'm going to bed now #lol!

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chalkrevelations · 1 year

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Tagged by @belladonna-and-the-sweetpeas, and this was a fantastically fun, low-pressure thing to spend a little bit of time doing, so thank you for the enrichment activity! I probably talked too much, but here we go. Song links are to YT.

Put my On Repeat playlist from Spotify on shuffle, and here are the first 10 songs that came up - and ... oh, lol. This is maybe not as cool and edgy as I’ve managed to look in similar memes in the past? otoh, I'm finding it kind of interesting how many of these have actual dance associations, this time around.

1. Rabbit Hole, Natalia Kills - I had to laugh when this one popped up first - this one's on my Only Friends playlist, although I had kind of forgotten quite what a banger it was, until I dug it out again. If only I knew how to vid, y'all would absolutely get a full-length OFTS vid to this.

2. Before He Cheats, Carrie Underwood - Ha! This one is ALSO off my Only Friends playlist. This was the first one that went on the playlist, in anticipation. I figured the unhinged energy would be appropriate before we were through.

3. Girls In Their Summer Clothes, Bruce Springsteen - I have loved Bruce Springsteen with my whole and entire heart ever since a friend’s older sister introduced us to his music when I was in middle school, and I knowingly and deliberately imported my own experience of discovering Springsteen into “In Ordinary Time” and imprinted it onto Ray Mukada with very few changes and without the least bit of shame. There are a handful of Springsteen albums that hold a particularly special place in my heart, and Magic is one of those. This song’s actually really light, comparatively, but it’s gorgeous and breezy while still being full and rich in that way the E Street Band can’t really miss, and it feels like summer. I’ve been enjoying it so much in the waning days of heat with that cooler air edging underneath the night breeze. It … makes me want to shag, even though it’s not beach music. It's clearly a creation of the boardwalk, even if its accent is Jersey, instead of Carolina.

4. Work Song, Hozier - The MV for this one - choreographed by Jillian Meyers - is fantastic, and my obsession with the song was really cemented after seeing Lex Ishimoto and Gaby Diaz dance to it for SYTYCD - a piece choreographed by Mandy Moore and clearly influenced by the MV. I must have watched that particular performance 100 times by now. The show used a cover by Luke Wade, but I do prefer Hozier’s original version. It will sometimes drop off the On Repeat playlist, but as soon as it turns up again in the shuffle, it ends up back on repeat.

5. lovely, Billie Eilish with Khalid - I have not been the same about this song since I somehow stumbled across Ten and Winwin's choreography to it on YT. I have no idea how I found it - I know literally nothing about WayV, NCT, Ten or Winwin except this choreographed piece (which you also have to see the live performance of, because while it's not as clean, it gives a better view of how Ten appears to be almost, kind of, puppetting Winwin in one section). I would poke someone’s grandma in the eye (ok, not really) for a chance to get my hands on the “ring and portrait” remix they use, but meanwhile, the original version will do.

6. Lyfjaberg, Wardruna - Healing Mountain. So, my morning routine, on the days I work, is to get to the hospital about 20 minutes ahead of when I actually need to be there, so I can sit in my car and breathe and meditate and do some self-reiki right before everything starts. I usually don't listen to anything on my way into work, but on the days I do, the days when things are going hard, like the past few weeks, with heavy patient loads and high acuity - this is the song I listen to on that drive in, on repeat. (The weeks I'm working with end of life patients, I tend to use Helvegen for this, instead, or alternate them.)

7. My Silver Lining, First Aid Kit - Thanks, The Umbrella Academy. I downloaded this one on Spotify about 12.6 seconds after hearing it on a S3 ep of the show, and I don't know that it's ever left the On Repeat playlist since then.

8. Letters From The Sky, Civil Twilight - Huh. A couple of weeks ago, about three bars from this song wisped through my mind, and I was haunted by them until I could finally manage to get my fingers in them and hold them down long enough to trace them to some lyrics in my memory, and then I had to google those couple of lines to finally pin down the actual song. And then I went and dl’d it and have listened to it A LOT, apparently. It was used for a fanvid that I watched obsessively a bajillion years ago – so long that I’m not entirely certain who it even featured, although I’m … pretty sure? … that it was Agron x Nasir from Starz’s Spartacus. I might have even first seen the vid back when I’d only watched a Nagron supercut, before I saw the full show. I can't for the life of me find it anymore - there's a Spartacus vid on YT now that uses it but it's a more general S1 vid, and that's absolutely not the one I remember, which included footage of the operation on Nasir in the abandoned temple.

9. Threat, WEARETHEGOOD/Frank Bentley/Skrxlla - Loooooool, THANK YOU, LITA. I picked this particular song up off of one of the eps of Love In The Air, one of the ones in the middle – this gets played over Payu and Pai having a practice race at the track. I was like, “waitaminit,” paused, went to google some lyrics so I could find the artist, and came back with this on dl’d on Spotify. It's another one that probably has not been off the On Repeat playlist since.

10. Sacrifice, The Weeknd - So, Vinh Nguyen choreographed a piece to this at Offstage Dance Studio that is totally and completely responsible for the way this song keeps popping up on my On Repeat playlist. I think I first ran across the choreo in a set with Baily Sok, Kinjaz's Jason Lin and Lex Ishimoto, but there's more than one version out there.

OK, if you've already been tagged or don't want to do this, don't worry, but tagging (hm, looks at recent notifications) @yagirlyacchan, @henpeckedho, @elementaldrop, @jill-question-mark, @liathebookwyrm. Go!

#it me #spotify #memes

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