#this was the only halloween themed robot i could think of for some reason

[slocumjoe]

its easter but i dont care! i like to imagine halloween is celebrated in various parts of the common wealth. how would the companions celebrate it with sole? once they have some down time of course. by the way i like to imagine piper, nat and sole host and act in a haunted house attraction or something, what do you think?

I'm putting this in a modern AU so I can go wild, because I had two very specific ideas in mind that I needed realized. a candy for whoever correctly guesses which two im referring to 🍬

Companions and Halloween

Cait; Fucking loves scary movies. Will call all her willing buddies over for bloody marys and whatever shitty takeout they desire, and binges shlock films she finds on obscure horror fan forums. This sometimes backfires and they find a 2003 indie psychological thriller that ends up being too much to handle. When Halloween actually comes, goes to festivals, carnivals, etc... It's the one holiday she actually likes. Dresses up as iconic 'final girls' and gets annoyed when people don't recognize it. Went as Lady Grognak once and got a bunch of girls' numbers.

Codsworth; You bet your ass he's making the best homemade candy in the CITY. This is his Olympics, his Chomolungma/Sagarmatha (commonly known as Everest), his very own Great British Bake Off. Decorates the lawn and sets up picnic tables, has food and drink available. Preston helps him run the shebang with Sturges, Sole, and sometimes Deacon. Will dress up simply and cutely, depending on if he's a person or still a robot. If a person, his costumes are from cartoons, like Steve from Blue's Clues. If a robot, will become a floating pumpkin.

Curie; Her friend group has banded together to keep her from handing out fruit to kids. She only sometimes obliges. Will opt for healthier options, still. Sometimes goes to Codsworth's block party,, if she isn't too tired. Curie herself really isn't into the aesthetic of Halloween, but she likes the fun. She just doesn't like the color schemes. Curie doesn't have time to get a costume, so she just wears her doctor's garb when answering the door. To celebrate for herself, will make pumpkin pies, PSLs, and watch cozy kids spooky movies. Calls or texts Danse to make sure he's okay, as she knows the holiday is a source of stress ever since the...incident...

Dogmeat; local children trained him to run up to porches, snatch the unattended candy bowls, and run

Danse; Counts down to the day like the nukes are gonna drop. Curie once confirmed that the mere mention of the holiday raises his blood pressure. His brain just...can't do it. The thought of someone knocking on his door makes him nauseous. Dressing up...he's too uptight, he'll admit. Pranks always suck, regardless. Not even as a kid did he like Halloween. Hancock and Sole dragged him to a haunted house once and, uh...yeah. Don't take your easily-overwhelmed friend with PTSD to a series of dark corridors with flashing lights, loud, sudden sounds, and people jumping out. Danse takes a week off work, gets in his truck, and camps in the wilderness until society is safe to return to.

Deacon; BEST. HOLIDAY. EVER. Deacon plans all year for it. Every day of October has its own costume. He LOVES volunteering at haunted houses or festivals. It's just such a fun time, man! Gorges himself on PSLs to be 'ironic'. Carries massive candy bars for anyone who recognizes his increasingly obscure costumes. Deacon lives and breathes the spooky. Decorates his house with a new theme each year. Once commissioned a giant model spaceship 'wreck' on his roof and had alien corpses spread across the lawn. Would enter any costume competition he could fit in the schedule, if he wasn't banned.

Gage; He likes Halloween for one reason, and one reason only. When he was a young boy, he hit a growth spurt overnight, way ahead of his peers. So, before Halloween, a local farmer, hosting a corn maze, offered him a job in the maze as a slasher. Maybe it was destiny, or maybe that job helped Gage who he is. But to this day, even if he isn't as spry, Gage finds a haunted maze, and sends them his Chasing People Through Fields resume. There is no greater joy, to him, than hiding around a corner, hearing those poor, poor teenagers whine it'll be cheesy, this is lame, it's so fake...before he goes a'huntin'. It's exercise, it's therapeutic, and it makes for good conversation.

Hancock; His house naturally looks spooky, so he never has to decorate. Very pleased with this. Joins Cait for movie night with MacCready, Piper, Sole, and Preston, and always eats too much. Hancock spends a stupid amount of money on the good Halloween candy, and is part of the "Curie, Fuck Your Apples" gang. Will hide in her bushes and hand out the good shit to children if Piper can't talk her down to at least fruit gummies. Once, trying to be a friend, got Danse out of the dingy, dark hole he calls home, and into Pickman's Gallery, an annual haunted house. Thought it'd be fun, spontaneous, help him live a little.

Hancock didn't know folding chairs could...bend...

MacCready; Matches his costume to Duncan. Attends Cait's movie night. Once had a Parental Panic Attack at a movie involving babies in danger and now Preston has to screen everything to make sure its clear of child murder. MacCready himself goes hogwild with the candy. Makes pumpkin-shaped, pumpkin-flavored food. Takes Duncan to the festivals and carnivals, really wants him to not end up like Uncle Danse, who handled active warzones better. Mac tends to buy what he can afford, which means the cheaper, variety bags of hard candy. At least it isn't apples, Curie.

Nick; As a theater kid and bisexual, Halloween is like his second birthday, behind Valentines day (which isn't his actual birthday either). His costumes are tasteful, inspired, thematically appropriate. His favorite is the classic vampire, with a long, flowing cape, a high collar, and lots of shiny buttons. Carries a giant sack of candy and toys, wanders through the neighborhood, helps lost kids and keeps an eye out for unsavory types. Always ends up having to chase Dogmeat down after he swipes a candy bowl.

Piper; Saves up all the money she can to spare on the after-Halloween candy. Really into campfire smores with ghost stories. Also joins Hancock for haunted houses. Once, on accident, went into Gage's corn maze and recognized him by his build. Hid from him by staying on the blind side. Texted him videos of him charging past her after other maze-goers. Received a "🖕". Piper doesn't go all out on the odd occasion she dresses up. Tends to use clothes she already has. Is the spokesperson for the Fuck Apples gang, tries to talk Curie into something less...shit, each year. Doesn't hand out candy, takes Nat out trick-or-treating. Ends the night at Codsworth's, nothing like a hot dinner after a cool evening walk through the neighborhood.

Preston; Tired mom friend. Goes out into the woods looking for Danse when he doesn't answer his phone, makes sure he rejoins society, doesn't go off the grid. DD after movie night at Cait's. Wasn't into Halloween as a kid, but he participates as an adult to spite people who think adults can't celebrate it. Preston helps Codsworth handle his block party, and buys toys and such for kids with dietary restrictions. Dresses as either a cowboy or a revolutionary soldier. Went as a green toy soldier once and is still finding paint smears in his house. Sturges did warn him.

X6-88; Conflicted on Halloween. On one hand, childish. On the other...full of potential, possibilities, opportunities. He likes the chance to legally frighten people and have it be socially acceptable; he does not like people knocking on his door. He doesn't like pranks, but enjoys the theming and aesthetics. He dislikes the costumes, but people don't bother him dressing the way he does naturally (spooky and Terminator-esque). Eventually, settles into taking simple pleasure from it. He doesn't do much to celebrate himself, though. Not on the 31st, at least. No, no, no.

The real holiday is November 1st.

November 1st is a professional sport, as for as X6-88 is concerned.

[insertdisc5]

Hi!! I wanted to ask, in celebration of Deltarune CH. 2, do you have any updated thoughts and head canons about the game?? Like, y'know, similar to a previous ask about Kris in your Deltarune tag? Thanks!

thoughts on kris part 2 i guess???? (part 1 from ch1 here lol)

spoilers for deltarune like woah. this wont be kris focused just random thoughts on everything. thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk

not that many thoughts for this chapter tbh! EDIT LOL: this was a lie i have a lot of thoughts

-just in general i feel like the player isn't the only one controlling kris... like yes the player forced kris to do what happened in the snowgrave route but AT THE SAME TIME idk it feels like there's someone else too. just because of the terrifying voice i suppose. and also the jerky movement kris does every time they get their soul out? unless there's another reason for it... maybe getting your soul out means you walk weird lol

-BUT ALSO i feel like kris is 100% in control when they create fountains. idk it just makes sense kris would create them. to create another world, a better world, A WORLD WHERE THEIR BROTHER IS HERE PERHAPS? i do wonder why they get their soul out then though. i'm all for it sweetie! do whatever! i support you!

-(i am and will be playing deltarune with only kris' best interests in mind. i will not hurt anyone unless kris wants me to. dont worry my little meow meow im on your side! talk to me! no? okay ill stay under the sink its fine)

-speaking of asriel. SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER (starts crying) V-VACATION COLLEGE WHEN

-kris misses their brother so much it's so sad. if you make kris steal 5$ from asriel they take it "reluctantly"? talking to asriel online so often even alphys knows?? the google search?? GOING INTO ASRIEL'S GOOGLE SEARCH ROOM WITH THEIR EYES CLOSED BECAUSE THEY'RE CONVINCED THEY ALREADY KNOW WHATS IN THERE? THAT ONE IS LESS OF A MISSING THING BUT IM LIKE OH MY GOD

-the city walk with susie at the end makes it clear to me that kris really values susie's friendship... kris even sits with her if you spend long enough near the lake like aaaaah ;_;

-and even in snowgrave you spend your last acts with the final boss calling for your friends like YES there's a way bigger creepy aspect to this (kris as more of a Leader who Commands and commands their subjects to come) but still :'0 (and then noelle answers oh my god noelle im so sorry for the trauma)

-berdly. listen. listen. listen. liste

-berdly sucks but [berdly hurts his arm in the battle against queen if you don't save him because he doesnt want to hurt you] [berdly realizing smg's wrong in snowgrave and immediately taking steps to save noelle] berdly is my little crumb nugget. i will protect him.

-noelle. noelle. girlboss!

-like ooooh listen. hearing about the genocide path for undertale. made me go "that is SO COOL. i HAVE to experience it myself this is great. hehehe killing time" and like no regrets. i was fully enjoying the experience knowing i was an awful person. SNOWGRAVE THOUGH. i will never try this myself its too fucked up. casually grooming your childhood friend to murder people <3 and also acting like a weird stalker towards her <3 stockholm syndrome speedrun i will get all the info i can about this but i will never do this myself

-people remarking the kris/player>noelle relationship is similar to the relationship between player>chara in genocide path is like yes. chefs kiss. don't worry we just are making you stronger and everything will be fine "you made me kill my friend? and for what?" this is fine sweetie don't worry about it!!!!!!

-like the amount of details added to snowgrave, like if you equip noelle's watch she notices later? and her battle animations change as time goes on, she gets an ice shield and stops sighing in relief after battle? oh my god? oh my god.

-(berdly is not awake.) JUST KILL ME RIGHT HERE I HAVEN'T STOPPED THINKING ABOUT BERDLY NOT BEING AWAKE!!!!!

-also why didnt he turn into dust. so many possible reasons. is magic a thing in the normal world and perhaps no magic means no dust (theres graves). maybe he isnt dead. maybe hes braindead. maybe he'll come back. either way that boy is now in the closet big enough to put someone in

-also dess' name probably being december AND THATS WHY NOELLE LOST THE SPELLING BEE?!?!??! FUCK ME UP!!!!! JUST FUCK ME UP!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

-also so many good pixel art this chapter. too many? i didnt need pixel art of cardboard noelle falling on the statue. like thank you but please. please it hurts my game artist brain.

-the expressions in this chapter were also top notch. all the unsettling noelle expressions like (i fall over face first)

-i threw away the ball of junk (which i already tried in ch1) and this time the game was like "ARE YOU SURE BC THIS IS A BAD IDEA" and kris felt bitter :'( (it deletes all your items in the dark world)

-i uh fucked up and skipped the susie+noelle scene bc listen last time ralsei mentionned seeing what susie is doing we missed some PRIMO LORE. turns out it just makes you skip the scene and you dont get anything new. welp

-speaking of ralsei well you know. he exists. but im stuck on him going "i just wonder what being ralsei-like even is...?" ralsei my dude there's so much i could say about this. do you feel like you can't be ralsei-like because you feel like you have to be asriel-like

-but also that makes no sense bc susie hasnt even mentioned ralsei looks like asriel. and i cant imagine asriel being so meek. so WHAT GIVES

-ralsei as kris’ “i wish i was a monster just like my bro and family and i’d look like asriel but with red horns [THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME] and my name would be something cool like ralsei instead of a boring human name like kris and im sweet and cute because thats how i act with asriel because ASRIEL MADE ME” theory because that would be cute.

-ASRIEL GOING TO THE CHURCH TO CONFESS HIS "SINS" WHEN "SINS" AREN'T A THING IN THE ANGEL BELIEF LIKE I KNOW THIS INTERACTION WAS TREATED AS A JOKE BUT WHAT THE FUCK ASRIEL?

-kris definitely has a connection with the big red door in the city, judging by what the kids say they probably went there... i feel like this place's dark world will be the Final Dungeon you KNOW some shit happened there. also the sounds you hear when you go there is the phone dark world call's sound slowed down? AND AFTER SNOWGRAVE APPARENTLY YOU CANT HEAR IT ANYMORE? HUWAH?

-speaking of songs the songs were all so good, My Castle Town rules, the berdly snowgrave music is stuck in my head, flashback is uwah wuahah, Until Next Time is so good, AND ALSO A FRIEND NOTICED THE DARK WORLD CITY THEME IS JUST tHE SONG 74 (MOST NOTICEABLE WITH THE SNOWGRAVE VERSION)?????? WHAT DOES IT MEAN????? it might be just "hey its just reuse" BUT MR FOX YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA READ INTO THIS IS NOELLE THE ONE SINGING IDK BRO!!!!!!!!!!

-asgore dreemurr fired from the force what happun!!!!! game theory is that asgore is related to dess' death/disappearance but eh who knows

-you start the chapter at lvl2 and get to lvl3 after the final boss, a friend mentioned this is probably because we destroyed a world and im :0

-to go back to kris it's still so interesting to figure out who they are based on how they act/people mention them. like kris shaking the ferris wheel car? yeah makes sense i can imagine a pranking kid do this. kris' dance? yeah thats a little silly but i can buy it. doing cool anime poses? well i dunno this doesnt line up PERFECTLY but sure. BUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN SNOWGRAVE... especially >proceed like that is such a weird thing that i can't imagine them doing, but i can't completely see the "player" doing either (compare with going to sans -which kris doesnt know- and going "SANS!" because of course the player would know sans), like THATS one of the reasons i feel like there's someone else in there. the weird robotic merciless actions. if im going super meta it feels like there'd be someone else like writing the choices into existence for us to pick you know? gaster probably? god i need to read more gaster theories i completely sidestepped the gaster shit bc i wasnt interested. anyway just spitballing

-(looks at big shot guy) please dont make him the next tumblr guy i beg you

-obligatory "queen was great" mention if only because this part made me laugh a little bit too hard

that was a lot. thank you for letting me talk

[megamanrecut]

Mega Man Recut playlist

:D Since a some of you shared your amazing Recut inspired playlists, I slapped together a quick 90s(...ish) playlist for Recut, organized by season:

Youtube: Season 1 | Season 2 | Season 0 | Season 3 

Disclaimer: My taste in music ranges from annoyingly popular to WTF was that

Disclaimer 2: Some of the lyrics fit very well, others are just for mood/vibes/whatever

Disclaimer 3: Okay it doesn’t really work as a playlist BUT this sorta showcases  moods for different characters. Click below to see text list (most songs are well known) with author notes why I selected. 

lol I hope these links work! I don’t have all the Robot Masters but it was getting long:

Season 1

Wheezer, “Buddy Holly” (1994) - Mega Man vibes (I have trouble picking out songs for Rock, so got idea from @go-west-young-meowth ‘s playlist :D geek rock bands are perfect for him)

Joan Jett “Bad Reputation” (1980) - Roll vibes

Pantera “Walk” (1992) - Roll (for now out of laziness) (*Okay so for Roll, I always pictured Roll liking metal bands that liked dressed all goth/halloween like Slipknot or Ramstein and such WHICH I ASSUMED 90s band did. But they didn’t really. So I did the best I could. idk I got kinda frustrated while researching lol)

Beethoven, “Symphony No.7, 2nd Movement” (1811-1812) - Dr. Light

Nirvana, “Lithium” (1991) - Proto Man vibes 

Cowboy Bebop OST, “Tank!” (1998) - Proto Man (Nirvana (though cliche) fits well as a 90s grunge influence for Proto, while if Recut had a soundtrack, something cool and Blues/Jazzy like the Cowboy Bebop soundtrack would be nice for Proto’s scenes)

Herman Stein, “Revenge of the Creature” (1955) - Wily (really anything with the theremin works lol)

Kevin Manthei, “Invader Zim Ending Theme” (2001) - Wily again (why not)

Danny Elfman, “The Batman Theme” (1989, 1992 BTAS)  - Syndicate vibes

The Immortals, “Mortal Kombat” (1995) - Cut Man!

Village People, “Macho Man” (1978) - Guts Man (sorry this was all I could think of, I’m sure it could be a karaoke???)

The Aquabats! “Super Rad!” (1997) - Gyro Man (was torn between this and pool party :D also Beck probably works)

House of Pain, “Jump Around” (1989 )- Ring / Magnet

Beastie Boys, “Sabotage” (1994) - Ice / Metal / Magnet / Ring? (lol I’m sorry!)

Harvey Danger, Flagpole Sitta (1997) - Metal Man

Season 2

Tom Cochrane, “Life is a Highway” (1991) - Top Man

Foo Fighters, “My Hero” (2006) - Mega Man (Someone once told me this reminded them of Recut Mega Man a long time ago. Guess it fits with Nirvana being strong Recut Proto Man influence? D:)

Hole, “Violet” (1994) - Roll 

Nine Inch Nails “Head like a Hole” (1989) - Roll (...for now out of laziness. Probably White Zombie/Metallica/Tool/whatever would have worked too. All the 90s metal bands)

Nirvana, “Come as you are” (1991) - Proto Man (...90s anthem? :P but it fits!)

Cowboy Bebop OST, “Bad Dog No Biscuits” (1998) - Proto Man

Beethoven, “Moonlight Sonata 1st Movement” (1801) - Dr. Light

Beethoven/Maganeko, “Moonlight Sonata 3rd Movement (remix)” (2018?) - Dr. Cossack, also Proto Light

Howard Shore, “Ed Wood Titles” (1994) - Wily, NotLMB (theremin again but this time Tim Burton 90s haha)

Debussy, Claire de Lune (1905) - Centum

Green Day, Basket Case (1994)- Ring Man, Magnet Man?

Spin Doctors, Two Princes (1991) - Top Man(ish) again

Spice Girls, “Wanna be” (1996) - Kali Cossack

Soundgarden, “Black Hole Sun” (1994) 

The Verve, “Bittersweet Symphony” (1997) - Snake Man

Season 0 - (corresponds with chapters with one bonus)

Beethoven, “Für Elise” (1867) - Prologue: Proto

Beethoven – “Pathetique 2nd Movement” (1798) - The Secret

Beethoven, “Pathetique Sonata 1st Movement” (1798) - Stuck

Beethoven/MusicalBasics “Für Elise Nightmare” (2020?) - Cracking Up (ignore lyrics haha)

Beethoven/Imagine Music, “9th Symphony: Ode to Joy (remix)” (2020?) - More Secrets

Walter Murphy, “A Fifth of Beethoven” (1976) - Breaking Out

Cowboy Bebop OST, “Rush” (1998) - Building an Army

Cowboy Bebop OST 2, “Don’t Bother None” (1998?)

idk Proto may be a whiner Beethoven’s alright

Season 3 (Incomplete)

The Ventures, “The Twilight Zone Theme” (1964)

DALI, “Moonlight Densetsu” (1992)

Cowboy Bebop OST, “Cat Blues” (1998)

Nirvana, “All Apologies” (1993)

Pixies, “Where is my mind?” (1988)

Rage Against the Machine, “Bulls on Parade” (1996)

Beethoven, “Ghost” (1809)

Andrew Gold / The Living Tombstone, “Spooky Scary Skeletons (remix)” (2014?)

Queen, “Flash” (1980)

Beethoven/MusicalBasics, “Moonlight Symphony Nightmare” (2020)

Honorable Mentions

Billie Eilish, “Bad Guy” (2019) - ...Elec Man and/or Elec/Proto vibes? (I’m sorry, I’ve thought this for awhile)

The Toadies, “Possum Kingdom” (1994) - same as above (if you don’t take lyrics literally), 90s flavor) though seriously need to research 90s EDM (I guess) because Elec Man is the only main cast member not to have any songs

Neu Tickles, “I am Ninja” (2006?) - Shadow Man (for obvious reasons... :S), LOL warning has very explicit lyrics

There’s a lot of other amazing 90s bands (there’s a lot of amazing bands from any decade) sorry to those I didn’t feature :( 

Okay now that this is published I’m going to listen to these for these first time lol

[writings-of-a-daphodil]

Fire Keeper: Bonus Chapter #1: Halloween

Douxie x fem!reader

Masterlist in bio!

Summary: It's Halloween in the Fire Keeper Universe!

Requested?: Yes! This was inspired by @catuskat666 's request:

Could you do like a fluffy Halloween or like Christmas chapter?

Fandom: Tales of Arcadia

Warnings: Blood, injury, y/n tried to take on a small army of goblins alone.

A/n: It’s weird posting this after Halloween, but oh well. Anyways, this takes place right before Claire and Present Danger(chapter 6) because that's around the time that halloween canonically happens...so yeah. Hope you enjoy it!

It may have been a little cliche for you to be going as a witch for Halloween, but you wanted to so you were. Jim was going in his armor and Toby was going as a robot. The three of you were dressed to impress.

Unfortunately, you weren’t getting dressed up to go trick or treating. Well, you might go, but the main goal of tonight was to keep all the children of Arcadia safe. There had been tons of goblins running amuck recently and even a few demons. It was the Trollhunter teams’ job to take care of it.

“So we’re going to the haunted house?” Toby asked as you strolled through the suburbs.

You nodded. “The goblins have been pretty active by Arcadia Oaks Academy. Blinky said that they’d be drawn to any fear, so it only makes sense they’re gonna check out the haunted house.”

“Are you sure?” Toby asked nervously. “Maybe they’d want some candy instead.”

“We’re not going inside Tobes, we're just gonna check out the area,” Jim soothed.

“And place some more traps,” you added, yawning. You had spent all of the previous night setting up magic traps. They wouldn’t keep the goblins away, but they would capture them.

“What about the other areas?” Toby asked. “It’s not like the goblins and demons are gonna stick to one area tonight.”

“I made sure to put traps there and Blinky, Aaarrrgghh, and Draal are patrolling the less crowded areas,” you explained as you turned onto the street by the Academy.

There was already a long line of excited people standing in the chilly air outside the school and you could hear screams through some of the open doors and windows.

There were even more people walking through the closed off street from house to house. You knew this was a popular area, but you hadn’t expected this many people. Whenever you, Jim, and Toby went trick or treating before this, you stuck to the less crowded areas.

“We should split up,” Jim suggested and you nodded. Toby immediately walked towards the houses and Jim took the street while you went off towards the school.

You circled the block, trying to look for the less crowded areas that the goblins would try to get in from and eventually you were rewarded. Behind the school one of the manhole covers was gone and a steady stream of goblins was coming out of it. You slinked back into the shadows, pulling out your phone to call Jim and Toby.

Jim arrived first and Toby followed with a full bag of candy. “You ready to take care of these guys?” You asked, your hands already glowing orange.

“Good luck!” Toby called as you and Jim ran into the street. Jim grabbed his sword and the goblins immediately attacked. You blasted a few, but found it was much easier if you just Levitated a bunch of them for Jim to take care of. With that method, it didn’t take long before the goblins had retreated and the street was empty.

You looked at Jim—who like yourself was covered in green goop—and gave him a high five. “Go team!” Toby cheered, setting down the excess rocks he had thrown at the goblins.

“What now?” You asked, taking a piece of candy Toby offered you.

“We need to check and see if any of them got inside the school,” Jim said.

“Wait, go inside the school?” Toby asked, giving the building a wary look.

“You can stay outside and keep investigating. Y/n and I can handle it.”

“No, I’ll go in. I heard the theme this year is witches and since I know an actual witch it shouldn’t be scary,” Toby reasoned.

“That’s the spirit,” you encouraged, getting in line.

“Do you think there’ll be any demons here too?” Toby asked.

“No, demons aren’t that common and I took care of one last night so I think we should be good.”

“We’ll be fine Tobes, we’re just here to take care of some goblins,” Jim soothed as the three of you were ushered inside.

For a while you followed the main hallway that was surprisingly well decorated. There were tons of fake spiderwebs and it was a bit of a struggle getting around them.

“A little help here?” Toby asked as he struggled to crawl under one. Jim pulled him to his feet as you came to a turn.

“Which way?” You asked.

“Right,” Jim said and you led the way into another hallway. This one was much darker and you heard a door slam up ahead, causing Toby to jump. Another door near you opened and you heard a cackle and footsteps behind you before another door slammed. The pattern repeated itself and you smiled at how well thought out this haunted house was.

You went up a set of stairs and you yelped as an actor jumped out in front of you. You were about to continue forward down the main hall when you heard scuffling claws to your left.

“This way,” you called to the guys, hoping they’d be able to follow your voice. The lighting in the hall was done in spot lights and you saw a green blur run through one. A door by the dim spotlight creaked open and you sighed. Goblins were always so dramatic.

You walked through the open door into a classroom with a horde of goblins waiting for you. You moved into the room so Jim and Toby could follow you, but their footsteps never came.

“I guess I’m on my own,” you muttered, getting ready to blast some spells. You hit one and another jumped on your shoulder, yanking your hair. You whimpered, falling backwards into a group of desks. Quickly you levitated the little beast off and blasted it before it hit the ground.

This only angered the goblins more. You were cornered by the teachers desk and you searched for something to use as a weapon.

A goblin leapt out at you and your hand curled around a ruler. You raised it like a sword, whacking the goblin away. Another came your way and you blasted it.

There couldn't be too many left and they must have realized their chances of coming at you alone and winning weren’t so good. You stood up as three goblins advanced on you, all jumping at once. One scratched your face and you cried out, staggering towards the whiteboard. The second one tore your sleeve while the third tried to go for your neck. You reacted slowly, feeling sharp claws cut your skin.

An orange light bloomed from you, creating a shield that forced the goblins off of you. You coughed and tried to catch your breath while they pounded on the bright orange dome protecting you. You did your best to look meek and when the goblins backed away to charge the shield, you dropped it and blasted them.

From there, slowly but surely you took care of the rest of the goblins in the room, making enough noise to wake the dead. You were rather surprised that no one had come to check on all the commotion.

You set the ruler back where you found it and quickly left the room. Now that you were back in the main hallway you decided to retrace your steps and found yourself walking into someone.

“Oh, sorry,” a voice you just so happened to recognize apologized.

“Douxie?” You coughed.

“Y/n? What are you doing here?”

“Oh you know, checking out the haunted house with my brother and his friend who I’ve lost.”

“Oh, let me help.” He grabbed your arm. “This is the way out.”

Douxie led you out into a courtyard that opened onto the street. The area had much better lighting and you were glad you could finally see. You looked around for Jim and Toby, but it appeared they hadn’t come out yet.

“Bleeding balroths! Y/n, are you alright?” Douxie asked, staring at your scratches and the blood.

“I, uh, cut myself,” you stated lamely, too tired to give a better explanation.

“You know what, wait here, I’ll get a first aid kit.” Douxie was gone before you could argue and was back in record time.

He took your hand and led you to a bench. You sat down on the cold stone and watched as he got out what he needed.

“May I?” Douxie asked and you nodded. He raised a hand to brush your hair out of your face and kept it there, practically cradling your face as he used an antiseptic wipe.

“Douxie, I’m fine,” you protested, but the cry you let out when he used the wipe to clean a scratch proved otherwise.

“I don’t mind,” Douxie said, throwing away the wipe and getting out a new one. This time, you bit your tounge as Douxie cleaned the deeper cuts on your neck.

His eyes filled with pity and you knew he felt bad about the pain you were feeling. “Do you need a ride home?” He asked.

“I need to find my brother, but thank you.”

“I’ll help you find him when I’m done,” Douxie promised, getting a bandaid out.

“Thanks Douxie, it means a lot.”

“Glad I could be of help,” Douxie said, smoothing the bandaid above your eye. “There, all better.”

He helped you to your feet, wrapping an arm around your waist when you swayed. You hadn’t moved far though when Jim and Toby burst out of the exit, covered in fresh green goop.

“Y/n/n? What happened?” Jim asked, taking you from Douxie.

“I cut myself,” you repeated.

“I did my best to help, but those ones on her neck look bad, maybe you should see a doctor,” Douxie suggested and Jim nodded.

Your brother moved to help you out of the courtyard, but you turned to Douxie. “Thanks.”

He gave you a charming smile. “Any time.”

**** 

Here ya go, it's the first bonus chapter!! I hope y'all enjoyed reading this and have a fantastic day/night and stay safe!!

P.S. I am open to requests!!!!!

P.P.S. If you want to be on the taglist feel free to ask. I hope it works and please message me if it doesn’t.

[prettywarriors]

what are some of your favorite and least favorite magical girl raising project designs? and your thoughts on magical daisy just because she's my fav

Heck yes opinion time! But first what you asked for:

Magical Daisy Good. The yellows-browns-beige works really well with both the purple accents and the minty green hair. She has pleats distributed evenly through her design, and they work in tandem with both the ribbons and with the daisies through her outfit without it getting too busy. I like her detached sleeves with gloves, and I am a sucker for practical footwear on a MG (both for them and for possible cosplayers) I’m not Crazy about the. Pouch? Asymmetrical bustle? The thing off her waist on her right. But it balances with her off-center headdress and has the same small design on it so it get’s a pass. Her hair is simple, but I like it and I think it works for her A good design for an anime (if the MGRP anime had done really well, do you think we would have gotten an in-universe magical daisy episode?)

Other opinions under the cut

Haha only giving opinions on 3 girls? I’m reading Peaceful Days now so enjoy my speed thoughts on MGRP-Aces outfits.

But first Maruino deserves so much recognition because her use of cream and dark brown in place of white and black whenever possible, combined with her chibi style and general color pallet choices, is so good. I know I’ve talked about the LN look vs the anime looks here before, but some designs would just look not nearly as good if she didn’t know how to use colors as well as she does

MGRP:

Snow White- School uniform with an armband indicating she is someone who can help, but with flowers. It’s cute, it’s fairly simple compared to other mgrp outfits, I like the big flowers on the sides of her outfit over the ones hanging from the ribbons off her back. A solid look, but not a winner in my book

Ripple- This is going to come up with quite a few of these designs but I like basically everything but the body. I like the sleeves, the geta are great, love the one ponytail with big shuriken, scarf brings great contrast to the rest of the color scheme, bikini top with ribbons attaching it to a wrapped skirt? The skirt feels like this could have been a keikogi but the top is almost wholly unadorned and overall I wish this was a better look than it is

La Pucelle- Great idea, meh execution. Knight And Dragon? Love it! The navy blue for military feels with armor and goes well with the gold&cream&brown. Her horns are cute! I like the tail- it fits the character and isn’t too large or distracting. Once again I like the arms-neck-legs but the body is. a bikini with a drapery bit off the top and the tabard. The tabard is good! But why is she in her underwear? Give pants??? 

-And yes I know swimsuits cover just as much as underwear but this isn’t a swimsuit and it’s a lazy way to cover what needs to be cover and not even try to make that area of a design more interesting. This doesn’t apply just to LP or even MGRP I have seen comments on this before and unless the character’s outfit is an actual bathing suit, try harder.

Top Speed- A wife. A halloween wife. God I lover her personality and her outfit is definitely on the simple end of mgrp outfits but very fitting. The colors are great, love the hat and the tall boots, the cape stripes might be my least favorite bit? But I feel if it was solid it would be too bland so. And the end of her braids looks like a broom. I love her. Good design.

Ruler- I hate this. But why..... Is it the navy blue is a singular piece? I liked Ripple’s scarf for contrast but maybe this piece isn’t large enough? Her head things look like two crowns on the sides of her head and their weird and. Not awful? But not great. The cape looks chunky at the end? In a weird way? Or is it the drop waist on the top. I know I don’t like the butt fluff. I do like the shoes&leggings? pants? And her crown and hair stars. bad/10 for reasons I can not place

Swim Swim- Techno demon in the accessories, pure schoolgirl in swim class in the torso. The white suit+black devil wings is good as character contrast , and her....hip...discs? have demony tails which is good, but the big headphones and floating disc things work great with the shoes but not with the rest of the outfit? This is two outfits in one but not in a good way. Pick a lane.

Minael&Yunael- They might not be super-murders but boy that’s their only redeeming trait. I do not like them as fictional people. And outfitwise? Meh. I like the chat balloon halos, and the one wing look for the two of them works, and again the use of Navy rather than pure black is good, but the old fashioned dress with a bib is. boring. and not in a simple way just not interesting? Like I think if the stiped bib thing was removed it might look better? This also might be a secret hatred of mine as I think I have figured out from a later outfit. For now- boo

Tama- Are you spotted or brown&white? Her fluff bits and legs say spotted and her ears and tail and paws say brown and white and I wish we’d pick a lane? Also not crazy about the butt-length cape. I do like the bone clasp and the hood, and you have to have big ol paws for a dog girl. She’s. Fine. Just fine.

Nemurin- Her hair clouds say magical girl, the rest says generic cute sleepy anime girl. I like the socks, and her hair, but she’s not that interesting? Don’t get me wrong she’s cute but the bulk of her design is Big PJs. The candy clasp is nice as a sweet dreams thing? Sorry Endo

Calamity Mary- Titty fur. Boots with spurs and arms with fringe and mini cowboy hat are all good, and her skirt is. A little boring but fine. But the best part of her top is the sheriff badge. If we’re committed to evil=slutty=evil, you can still make a more appealing lewd top than a bikini over some fluff. Let sluts be sexy? Stay dead bitch.

Magicaloid 44- Elementary schoolgirl but robot. Bulky but in that smooth modern look. I’m a sucker for hair horns, even when they’re metal or plastic, and she just has a good silhouette. But her colors could be better? I will say her mn art has her skirt look like a skirt, and the anime said This Is A Solid Hunk Of Plastic/Metal and I think that works better. Swap her dark brown bits for a navy to go with her skirt and i think i’d be out of complaints

Sister Nana- There are multiple MG nuns. What’s up with that. Good use of sexy belts for theme consistency, but I with there was more red up top or her shoes were a different color. 9/10 for dirty nun

Weiss Winterprison- Girl I love you why is your outfit not good as a MG look or even really as an outfit. Your practical looking boots have heels, your colors are boring and messy, you have like. belts but not enough for them to look interesting? Gurl I love you do something with this bland mess.\

Cranberry- ‘I love this’ I say threw clenched teeth. I love green and flower motifs, and I like boleros and big sleeves. But I’m not that into this? I think it’s that her top looks like a nice shirt that’s a little long and then she. Just has leggings on and a big belt. I guess the buckle is like. A big thorn? And i’m into tunics with leggings but this doesn’t? do that in a way I like? The red-blue roses are a nice contrast to the green and creme but i just. I have no idea I want to be in love with this and it’s Middling for me. More elf ear’d MGs pls

Hardgore Alice- I love alice, I am a fan of edgy spins on stuff(sorry), so I’m a bit disappointed? And I think it’s just the colors? I love the checkered pockets and the striped stockings and bows and the headband and apron and bloomers and dress shape and even her eye bags (mood). I guess I just wish there was more of the off white-maybe for the full apron? or even the bloomers? I love you please re-color.

Restart:

Keek- This bitch might win it for worst look. I like her hair color, and giant sleeves, and the cd and rubix cube are nice touches for an outfit, but what outfit. A bikini top and slightly-larger-than-usual underwear style bottom with a big plate of metal? Are those supposed to be shorts??? Points for normal shoes but take off the coat and this is nothing. And the coat isn’t much to begin with. 0/10 might take home the gold

Clantail- I wish the apron part was gone? But the colors are good tho I do have a question about the horns- they’re cute but if she can change her lower body to other animals they won’t always fit very well? And her necklaceuhhh tattoo? is odd. But she’s fine

Pechika- Good colors, like the feathers, I wish the chef’s coat had a different fit but it’s good. Could go without the tail. Also has some almost military feeling elements like the hair cross and the? epaulets? This is a spats stan account

Rionetta- Great use of colors, patterns, ribbons, has a specific look that works great for the doll dress. Hell year ball joints and weird eyes. Wonderful. I hate it. No fucking clue why. Like with the angels maybe? I hate strips? Except I don’t. Maybe just in specific situations? Or I hate multiple patterns? Rio looks good. I just see her and go into a rage. 

Nonako Miyokata- A very good look overall, just not super Magical Girl? Definitely magical miko but. The yin yang accessories feel a tad out of place- replace them with existing themes or add them in elsewhere

Magical Daisy- Still good

Nokko- This is just a maid. A cute maid with a weird choice of hair decor, but I think she got her outfit at the same shop as Milkit. *shrug*

@Meow-Meow- boy I hope I didn’t just at someone for real. I like her colors and tail, poofy detached sleeves are good, her top works with the open dress. I’m a fan of detailed edging on a piece, and it works with the pattern.  I’d’ve liked to see more of the bells that are on her wrists? I guess she had a racist accent originally though which yikes. 

Genopsyko Yumenoshima- A great sentai outfit, love the helmet ears and the tail. Not good as a magical girl outfit unless we fully dissolve the mg/sentai line. But the suit is great, slightly oversized gloves, and retro lasergun that doesn’t even work? Yesssss.

Detec Bell- Fwuffy. Great hat, love the dress, a good use of a cape, simple but very good. I feel a feel some of the ribbons could be changed up but a solid if simple design. 

Lapis Lazuline (2)- Cute starry tiger princess? I guess I’m a fan of navy and brown because i’m into it here too. Good use of the silvery details on the sleeves and dress bottom, and the links both at the cape clasp and on the boots. Really nice.

Melville- Bootleg Cranberry in every way. I like her over-pants and sleeve-cape, but the weird bib-top under the bikini top is a bad shape? Hair roses good and leg thorns do get a thumbs up. 

Cherna Mouse- If the turtle gets it’s own distinct look, why is Cherna just baby+ hamster? The hood is cute, and I dig the boots which work with the shoulder things, but said things don’t go with the toddler one piece+cape. She reminds me of Moetan and that is a bad thing.

Pfle- Ohhh this bitch. I may have been reading these books but I have no damn idea what she is up to and I hate it. Love her eyepatch tho. Super cute throne-wheelchair and it continues the bird motif. Her dress is nice but not that interesting? Seems more generic old timey fancy lady dress than Magical. Honestly I could go for some mixing up of the colors here? The dress and hair and throne all are a bit too similar. Maybe make the dress wine?

Shadow Gale- I like her look but I don’t feel it says nurse as much as it’s supposed to? Her aces profile honestly gives Rue vibes. It’s very monochromatic but I guess that works for her. Big fan of her skirt, kindof with it went all the way around. Solid design

Masked Wonder- Who? I refuse to play person5 because it’s been overhyped but isn’t this one of them? Not awful as a phantom thief outfit, but doesn’t say magical girl phantom thief at all. I do like the roses on the belt and. garters? Kindof wish we’d loose the color on the cape because it clashes more than anything with the rest of the look

Akane- I like her long hair flower. But her samurai-kimono look doesn’t feel blended well enough imo and the colors are too over the place while still being bland.

Lake of Fire Flame Flamey- Hell if I know how she looks I just love typing that name

Limited:

Weddin- Good colors, a bit too busy? The chains+roses+lace doesn’t feel well balanced. But the flame and ankle chain are balanced because Maruino is good at asymmetrical details 

Captain Grace- A pirate magical girl? Is she legit the only one from any main stream series? Well she set the bar high. The captain coat is great, multiple small anchors, the hat, and her skirt(?) is very cute. I guess the sole of the boots stands out a bit? But very solid (wait is that a tail? or a butt hook? :/)

Funny Trick- If Las vegas was a magical girl. Colors and silhouette are good, I’m just not vibing with this. sorry girl

Kuru-kuru Hime- Yiss more ballet themed outfits. Good colors, love the shape of the giant back bow. I could go without the big ribbon coming off the headpiece? It’s nice

Postarie- Buttwings! I love her hair shape, just. Not a fan of the orange and green colors? She’s a delivery girl but feels more marching band. It’s a good design, just doesn’t feel fitting? Great just not for her

Rain Pow- Now this is a sci-fiy look while still saying magical girl. The tail is yet another weird thing, and I could go without the permeant ring behind her, but the shape of her outfit is very good, and love the silly heart hair. Wish the gloves were a different color? But this is up there

Tepsekemei- Genie outfits being problematic isn’t something I can speak to, but this is a solid genie look with additions to feel different, specifically the lotuses. It’s good, and I haven’t seen flying turtles since love hina so. Good for her.

Mana- You’re not a magical girl. Maybe I just hate bibs? The hat is great and snake leg is fun, I wish her collar was actually smaller to stand out more? It’s a fine mage look i guess

Hana Gekokujou- Great use of hair color as contrast to a committed color scheme. A cute traditional bunny look. Not personally my favorite but it is Good.

7753- Big Coat! Giant heart braids! Consistent heart theme! It’s bland compared to a lot of the other outfits, and I don’t think her flat heart uhh hair? pieces? like rain pow? work as well with her. But I think she works well for a member of the resources department. Wait is her hat backwards? Amazing

Archfiend Pam- I’m mostly a fan of this. The top is great, it’s carried through at one hip, she has the weird arm guy to keep her asymmetry going on. I just wish she’d commit to either fur Or pleats as trim? Both is a weird texture choice

Pythie Frederica- This bitch took a while for her proper appearance. I love the horns on the hood, and the stars throughout work well. I really don’t care for her skirtdress though? It’s too long and in ribbons and feels almost jellyfish-y? I feel it’s supposed to feel like she’s standing in fire but that doesn’t work pass a glance for me

Tot Pop- Love hot topic. Her spiky ribbon is my favorite bit, and I’m a fan of oversized sleeves. A great mall goth look, not amazing as a magical girl look tho. The head decor feels most on brand for the genre.

Punkin- What if the three musketeers were murderous and royalty. I love the hair feather and dig the ruff, the cape honestly feels like overkill? The boots are great and I dig the pants. Once again, why tails. I know mahou-furbies has reviewed a lot of these girls with the same comment and she’s right. Pick red or blue for this look though.

Sonia Bean- Kindof busy, in a garbage way. Like her outfit is made of fancy garbage to make an old timey doll. Which is fitting. Love the dress shape. Less into the weird dangly poofs.

Jokers:

Princess Inferno- The whole princess line works well together. Quake has the least Team outfit but I feel all four work well together? Inferno’s bikini is a smidge above other tops with the fire shapes, and I like her hair, but I think she’s my least favorite princess.

Princess Deluge- Swirls and scales throughout? Armor? Gold jewelry? My biggest issue is the chain to the weapon because this is a really nice outfit.

Princess Quake- Why does your tail start in the middle of the back? I like her leotard and eye theme, and her head piece adds nice shape. Good asymmetry. shame she’s into children The hair gem is a fun touch

Princess Tempest- The apples are a weird touch? Good for color but weird as a theme? I love the leaves- honestly I’m a huge fan of the vaguely toga-y look. Are the apples supposed to be an atlanta thing? Her skirt could be a bit better but Nice

Prism Cherry- Princess of our hearts. What a color scheme. Her oversized dangly accents work well here I feel, and I love the skirt and the leaf looking ribbon behind the neck. I could do without the arm fluff, but the top garter for the skirt is a nice touch

Marika Fukuroi- My wife is a bitch and I like her so much. A much more vibrant outfit than most of the mgrp girls, the black is edgy but in a fun loud way. I love her skirt and every damn crazy flower. Her top is my least favorite with the smaller flowers connecting her top to her bottom and the frills that honestly are out of place. Great eyes

Styler Mimi- A fancy outfit that fits her theme, with a nice silhouette and simple color scheme. Ruined by the giant back powder puffs. Yes she would be fairly simple without those but they’re so garish and awkward. Good hair

Stanczyka- I thought her middrif was another hunk of plaster like the mask and now that I see it’s just skin with some stars :/ The whole head thing is good, and the fur is consistent throughout even if I’m not a fan of it. The giant sleeves are. weird. I want to like them but. Her swirly tiddys are a nice touch. The brown hair on the tail doesn’t fit

Lady Proud- For someone who lived for a lot of pages I do not remember her. Her leotard works with the sleeves to feel like an old timey dress and the way the cape is being held up to look like bat wings is nice. The green layer in her hair is an odd choice. I do dig the hair clips with the horns

Umbrain- Froggy slicker. ...Sakura did it better, the yellow and purple&red is a meh color combo sorry. I do love the candy additions for the ame(rain) ame(candy) play, and her umbrella is great. But once again I am confronted by a bib. Also her slicker is actually two pieces? Bad colors, bad body, good theme

Filru- I like the colors and the corset, and in theory the chunky knitting is very cute but I feel it’s at odds with the boots and corset. Make the whole thing chunky knitting- it’d be cute. The head doily also could be more on theme imo

Uttakatta- again, what did you do? giant overalls are good in theory, but the slits and the. bubbles? clear donuts. are just ugly. Honestly her whole look is not good, and a bubble theme has so much potential for cool shit :(

Kafuria- good use of colors, I’m not personally into the shape of her kimono as a mg dress, but the wings and the veil+such are nice

Grim Heart- this bitch. God her dress is a great shape. I think i’m not fully into her spade tail ribbons, but otherwise love? The flamingo is Silly but again as an alice fan, i do not care (ask me about kagihime for 10000 words of rage!)

Shufflin- the tiny bib haunts me but the big double sides apron card piece is a nice way to do the simple and versatile Card look. The hair is cute and i like the suit as a big piece behind the head

Aces:

Armor Arlie- chunky suit of armor. but Cute. as an armor fan in MG designs, even I think this is A Bit Much, but it has enough going for it that i think it’s a fun look

Bluebell Candy- once again Maruino kills it with using navy very nicely. A military vibe with the epilates and double breasted uhh skirt decor. honestly shocked the hat is center, and mm good hair happenings. A very nice design. still not into the weird fluff tail stuff

Dark Cutie- Great hair decorations, love the lunar details, seems to be a leotard over leggings? It’s nice. It’s not crazy grabbing or stands out that much in silhouette, but i do like it

Micchan the Dictionary- tying your coat around your neck is not valid, motarboards are not good magical girl accessesories, i personally have an owl vendetta, the red in her shoes appears no where else, and the shape of her dress is just weird. plus that hair is. not good. Oh wow. I might rank her lower than keek. oh Wow

Glassianne- this is just that alcreamie pokemon. i wish the exposed strawberry went all the way down instead of there being more icing along the bottom. she has a consistent theme and nice colors, i’m not not digging it

Uluru- said dog. 7753 and tama’s child. she looks warm but not super magical. why is she dog themed?

Sorami Nakano- gamer aesth. I could do without the hair paws, but the jumper is super cute, love the eyes and the hair tones, general color scheme, bandaid is a cute touch. A solid look.

Premium Sachiko- good colors, i like the cut of the sleeves/boots/dress, but her art has her legs blend together and that’d just the art but weird. nice use of four leaf clovers and horseshoes throughout for her luck theme. 

CG Angel Hammer- I like the flowers and the bones tail/wings. The halo thing is. odd, and it’s hard to get a great idea of her actual outfit. weird hair choice, tiny bottom but at least it has some frills. Needs more art

Patricia- acab. great colors tho and I like the shapes for the shoulders and wrist, and the light theme. The bright blue ribbons and earrings stand out well. This is actually a really solid design. 

Puk Puck- i hate this baby angel there’s too much to look at. Your bondage leg is weird! cute chest piece. you can’t have cloud swirls and drills for hair damn it. your halo also has a veil? fuck you. 6/10.

Best Outfits: Princess Tempest and Grim Heart Worst Outfits: Keek and Micchan the Dictionary and Uttakatta

[skullhaver]

It's 2021, and I'm watching Buffy for the first time.

The Virgil on my Buffy journey is my long-distance girlfriend, who has loved the show for years. We just finished season 4, and I wanted to write about my favorite episodes so far. I suspect some of my faves are beloved by most fans, but others are weird, personal picks. Buffy fandom, please don't come for me.

I thought this post would be short but I was wrong.

Hono(u)rable Mentions: "Band Candy" S3E6 and "Halloween" S2E6

Both these episodes have fun premises where the Scoobies run around Sunnydale after it was upended by zany, chaotic dark forces. "Band Candy" is fun for devil-may-care teen Giles. "Halloween" is fun for 18th-century-ditz Buffy. These are both very good, and are the sorts of episode I can imagine happily rewatching in the future. I just have more to pontificate upon for the other episodes on this list.

10. "Ted" S2E11

I can’t say I enjoyed this episode, but it did take me for a wild ride. Probably nobody else has strong feelings about this weird story where Buffy's mom dates a stereotypical cheesy family man, who turns out to be a controlling abuser, who turns out to be a robot. I remember shouting at the screen, "Did Buffy just kill a human man?? Is it okay in the moral logic of this show for Buffy to kill a human if he's a direct physical threat to her??" I knew Buffy would have deeper stories than the monster of the week formula we'd seen so far, but this early in season 2, I had no idea when or how that would happen. This was the episode that finally taught me that Buffy is largely not interested in moral ambiguity, or in exploring what it means to be good or bad. Except for season-defining exceptions like Faith and Angel, evil characters are simplistically, essentially evil. But it was wild to believe for a moment that Buffy murdered her mom's abusive boyfriend and would have to live with the consequences.

9. "Helpless" S3E12

When Buffy tries to be genuinely scary, it succeeds with aplomb. The premise of this episode is dumb and contrived ("Giles has to remove Buffy's powers without her knowledge for a seeeecret test by the Watcher's Council") but the chase and fight in this episode are some of the most tense and spooky scenes of the whole series so far. Buffy's vulnerability makes the stakes feel real in a way few other episodes manage. And Buffy's victory is all the more satisfying because she can't punch her way out of this problem, she has to be smart and creative. The fridge horror, of course, is that Giles would endanger her like this in the first place, but that gets sorted out over the emotional arc of the next few episodes.

8. "I Only Have Eyes For You." S2E19

Another spooky episode, this one a classic ghost story of forbidden love ending in murder - but with the twist that the ghosts possess people's bodies to have them reenact their final moments. I love stories about breaking a doomed-to-repeat cycle. I love weird shit like the snakes manifesting in the cafeteria. And I really loved the choice to have Buffy and Angel come to understand their feelings about their own relationship by embodying these ghosts - especially how they embodied different genders than their own to better fit the "roles" of the haunting story, thus subverting the expected pattern. I found this episode clever, poignant, and effective.

7. "Who Are You?" S4E16

"Faith and Buffy switch bodies" is a wild premise, but the real joy of "Who Are You?" is watching Sarah Michelle Geller being an extremely talented actress for 45 minutes, portraying a totally different character. Watching Faith confronted by kindness and love from Buffy's mom, Riley, and her friends, then getting launched into an existential crisis over it is so great. Also, I just dig a good church fight.

6. "Hush" S4E10

As stated above, love an episode that reminds me that these people are talented actors! Featuring demons that render all of Sunnydale unable to talk, we get to watch great physical comedy right next to tense, silent fight scenes. The visual creepiness of the Gentleman and their straight-jacketed weird little helpers is hard to beat. "Hush" is such a clever episode that it ascends monster of the week status to become almost Twilight Zone-esque. Also, for the first time, Buffy sees Riley doing his Initiative thing, and Riley sees Buffy being the Slayer, but they can't talk about it?? That's good shit.

5. "The Wish" S3E9

Both "Something Blue" and "The Wish" feel like the writers decided to use fanfic premises on their own show... so obviously I like them a lot. But getting to watch a dark timeline AU with interesting world-building and attention to detail, a hilarious and horrifying Cordelia POV, AND a smirking kinky vampire Willow? Hello?? And the fact that the Wishverse comes up again in "Doppelgänger" (another truly fun episode) only improves my opinion. I imagine this is the kind of episode fans simply love coming back to.

4. "Restless" S4E22

This David Lynch-ass dream sequence was a weird choice for a season finale, but an extremely ambitious and cool episode. I should say up front that I love David Lynch-ass dream shit. There were creative and well-executed scene transitions as characters moved seamlessly from one dream room into another. Several memorably neat shots - Willow running between endless curtains as she tries to get onstage, Buffy alone in a vast desert with a weirdly high camera angle. And I got myself all excited thinking that the First Slayer would maybe become a different kind of antagonist - maybe not even fully revealed in this episode, or maybe an Id-like aspect of Buffy herself. But I forgot Whedon gonna Whedon, so the First Slayer had to be someone Buffy could punch in the end. And the First Slayer is sadly yet another primitive-themed, emotionally-stunted character of color for this show. Most of her lines in this episode are literally voiced by a white woman speaking for her, and of all the dumb quips to make, Buffy had a line about her hair being unprofessional? Also, I'm a lesbian, so the fact that the most explicit act of intimacy between Willow and Tara this show has allowed us to see occurs in Xander's horny dream sequence... it’s unforgivable, Joss. This episode was one of my favorites ever, deeply marred by some bad writing choices.

3. "Lovers Walk" S3E8

Spike, perhaps the best non-Willow character in this show, is back in Sunnydale, a hilariously heartbroken mess of a man, hell-bent on getting his former girlfriend Drusilla back. (Drusilla left him for a fungus demon.) So Spike breaks into a magic shop to get ingredients for a love spell, where he runs into Willow, who is getting ingredients for a de-lusting spell, because she is worried she and Xander will be too thirsty to behave appropriately in public with their actual partners, Oz and Cordelia. This is a hilarious moment just to exist. This is all the episode needed to do to satisfy me. But the fact that Spike then kidnaps Willow, and it ends with tragic stakes of everyone's relationships coming apart, not to mention me genuinely thinking Cordelia was dead for a minute there - wow. Chef’s kiss. The episode is balanced shockingly well between Spike being an ominous villain, and being the sort of lovable semi-evil (more gremlin-like) side character he'll become in season 4. What a wild ride.

2. "Graduation Day" S3E21-22

I'm counting this two part season finale as one because it's my list and I'll do what I want. "Graduation Day" feels like a quintessential Buffy episode executed to perfection. It has Buffy reaffirming her position as a moral heroine, sacrificing her own blood to save Angel's life even when she thought she had to kill Faith to save him. It has Buffy and Faith (or Buffy/Faith, as I prefer to think of them) getting to square off in a dramatic, tough fight. It has a lot of Mayor Wilkins, a character I truly adore for some reason. Nothing like a public administrator who plays mini golf in his office, wants you to chew with your mouth closed, and will kill a graduating class of high schoolers to gain immortality. The catharsis of the whole school getting to fight back against evil, instead of just Buffy against the world - a real joy. This episode misses the top spot for two reasons. "A special vampire poison and the only cure is the blood of a Slayer" is too contrived for me to let slide, and also I had to see Cordelia and Wesley kiss.

1. "Becoming" S2E21-22

Buffy’s season finales really do have good stories and satisfying payoff. First off, Buffy starts this episode by punching a cop and fleeing from the law. Later, Spike also punches a cop. A.k.a., Buffy said blue lives don't matter. Second - I haven't gotten a chance to comment on this yet, but all throughout season 2, evil Angel is such a joy to watch. As regular Angel, David Boreanaz makes exactly one face ("I am a kicked, angsty puppy") and bless his heart, it gets so tiresome. As evil Angel, he is so expressive, dynamic and terrifyingly creative in his badness. And I love his weird threesome energy with Spike and Drusilla. But also, it's so hard to watch Buffy suffer as she deals with her evil boyfriend doing evil things. Her ultimate choice in this episode, to kill Angel even as Willow's spell restores his soul, gave me some real big feels! Also, this episode marks the first moment of Willow doing big, plot-shifting magic on her own, solidifying her transformation from computer nerd to witch! 

Also, shout-out to the many good smaller moments in this episode: Spike making awkward small talk with Buffy's mom, Buffy constantly dunking on Principle Snyder, and Giles being tortured by visions of Miss Calendar (RIP Miss Calendar, I was your biggest fan.)

"Becoming" is an excellent season finale and the kind of Buffy episode I imagine I will want to re-watch in the future just for nostalgia's sake.

[cyberaxolotl]

Tricks Over Treats

two versions woo hee

and then the writing piece to go along with it

“An Alternate Desire”

For an all popular DJ, he had a lot more to know about him than what was known to the public, some of which stayed shrouded in mystery to even his boyfriend and closest friends. One of the things he did make very clear to anyone who saw him around that time of year was that he was a HUGE fan of Halloween. Spooky jack-o-lanterns, sweets, costumes, he still thoroughly enjoyed it, even as an adult. He loved remixing classic Halloween tunes to add a more techno vibe to them, and that wasn’t going to change any time soon. And finally, he loved the scares; he was willing to be a bit sick around that time of year with his jokes, as anything scary was widely accepted and usually expected.

Especially not now, when there’s a Halloween party for all the musicians in Rhythm Heaven to attend, as well as any plus 1’s they might wish to have with them. Hosted by the rap men (obviously) and having as many different types of music as you could think of playing one after the other in the main hall, it was going to be a great party to have a good laugh. And for everyone to see any friends they had made since the Battle Of The Bands.

DJ Yellow, of course, had Blue with him. While his boyfriend wasn’t the biggest fan of that scary time of year, he still enjoyed talking to some of the others and seeing them all happy.

“I need to put my costume on in the car, but I’ll be inside in just a moment!” DJ Yellow said, nudging his partner while they were in the entrance hall.

“…Why didn’t you just put it on while we were at the apartment?” Blue asked, turning around. His costume itself was rather plain, he was just dressed as a vampire with a little bit of fake blood on his chin, but he was perfectly happy with that. It was one of the few times of year when he’d go out with his dreadlocks down, too.

“Cause! I wanted it to be a surprise for you too!” Deej gave a quick finger gun, before slipping out the door. His boyfriend sighed, feeling only mildly inconvenienced that he’d need to be alone at a party for a few minutes, and moreover very anxious. He never was one for direct social interaction.

As he walked into the main hall, he was immediately addressed. “Heeey, Blue!” A happy sounding, higher pitched voice called out to him, and he immediately knew who it was. “Where’s Yellow?” B.B. Rocker asked him, standing shorter than him and only around his chest height.

“Yellow’s in the car putting his costume on. Chances are, he just forgot to put it on at home.” He replied, looking down at his friend. They wore a costume that was… on the stranger side, but not out of character for them. It was an orange-white tabby cat suit with a denim dress put on over it, a pair of matching cat ears sitting in their ginger hair. They looked rather cute, if Blue’s bisexual ass could say so himself.

“Ah, so did J.J. He’s getting changed in the bathroom.” They turned away, looking down another hallway in the back of that room.

Blue sighed. “Oh boy…”

“What?”

“J.J.’s here, Yellow’s gonna be here soon. Chances are sometime in the night that is not going to end well.” He folded his arms, glancing away. There were certainly a lot of people there, like MC Adore and her love posse all in matching costumes, the Pop Singer Yui in a cutesy zombie outfit, and apparently even the rap women had managed to slip in, as Rosebud and Sapphie were happily talking to a trio of ghosts. What stood out to him, though, was the fact that the rap men were nowhere to be seen. If they were hosting that gig, they should’ve either been in the entrance hall greeting people, or in the main hall talking.

“Oh, you’re right. Guess we’ll just have to hope they don’t directly cross paths and say something shitty to each other, huh?” B.B. sighed as well, holding the back of their neck.

“You know it’s more likely for J.J. to say something shitty than for Yellow to. Yellow’s not an asshole, he’s just a…” Blue went quiet as he lost his words.

“…A snarky asshole?”

“That.” He motioned in confirmation to them. He looked back over at the rap women, noticing that the Big Rock Finish ghosts were leaving. “I’m gonna go ask the rap women where their brothers are, if Yellow comes in, tell him I’ll be right back.”

“Alrighty!” With that, he walked away, leaving B.B. by the entrance.

As he got closer to the snack table, he was able to tell what Rosebud and Sapphie were wearing as costumes. They were matching, as expected from the two of them, and had gone for a western theme. Rosebud was dressed as a saloon dancer, a crimson skirt falling to the back of her ankles and a corset tied around her waist. It also seemed that she had taken the opportunity to wear something only a bit more revealing than her usual outfits. Sapphie was dressed as a cowgirl, hiding her eyes in the shadow of a ten gallon hat, and wearing open bottom pants. The two certainly matched, but had their own ways of doing it, the mutual color palette between their costumes tying it together.

“Excuse me, girls?” He asked, and the two turned over to face him.

“Oh, hi Blue.” Sapphie humbly waved at him, smiling. “Do you need something?”

“I don’t, but I want to ask- where are your brothers?” The two ladies' expressions tensed.

“Jasper and Goldie? Uh…” Rosebud’s eyebrows furrowed. “…I don’t know, actually. Sapphire?” She looked up at her girlfriend.

The taller woman shrugged. “I haven’t seen either of them since they left the recording studio, but they’re probably somewhere around here. Sorry, Blue.”

“Hm.” Blue looked skeptical, glancing behind him. “Alright then. I need to go back to B.B., you two have fun.” He turned around, his dreadlocks nearly whipping him in the face.

“Bye-bye!” Rosebud said as he walked away.

When he got back over to his rock student friend, they looked confused. “Is something wrong, B.B?” He asked, and they turned to him.

“No, no, nothing. Just… JJ is taking an awful long while to put his costume on. He went in just before you arrived.” They put a hand behind their head, “We’re supposed to be a cat and a dog, so he might be struggling with the suit or something.”

“Now that you mention it, if Yellow is taking this long to put it on, then he really should’ve put it on at the apartment-“

As if on cue, the door opened, and DJ Yellow slid in overdramatically. Since nobody noticed him except BB and Blue, he got up in one quick motion, turning over to them. “Hey guys!” He said happily, walking over. His costume was made of… really dark colors, something completely out of character for him. It was all black with a dark red cape that made his neck completely covered, looking completely out of place while paired with his unaltered hair and headphones. For reasons neither of them could decipher, he also carried a lit jack-o-lantern.

“Hey Yellow..?” BB raised an eyebrow, giving a short wave.

“…” Blue spent several seconds trying to decipher what his lover was wearing, before sighing. “Yellow, what are you supposed to be?”

The DJ walked over and leaned against his taller counterpart’s arm as though he was trying to lean against his shoulder but was just too short to do so. “A surprise.”

“That’s what you said when you were putting ON the costume.” The sarcastic remark made Yellow chuckle.

“Yes, but what I’m gonna do in this costume is also a surprise.”

“Just tell us what the costume is, Deej!” The rockstar leaned in, and mysterious refusal after cryptic refusal soon descended into laughter and casual conversation. It was rare for Yellow to oblige to interact with BB, but Blue was glad that they could get along on a night like that.

But… he still couldn’t downplay it.

Something was wrong.

Or off.

Yellow didn’t sound like himself, nor did his mouth follow his words. His mouth had a delay compared to his words, as though his head and his voice box were working as two separate parts rather than as the same body. His voice sounded less like his smug and casual self was talking and more like some kind of modulation, as though a robot with his voice was reading from a script and trying to sound like a person.

Blue chalked it up to one of two things. One idea was that the tragedy striking Heaven World had hailed itself down to Earth World and struck the man right before him- they were called Alternates, and they took the places of people, making themselves look completely like them- except they had the ability to do things that were biologically impossible, like rip their head off and live, or be engulfed in flames and come out without a scar. Both of those things were examples that Heaven World had given out across the entire land, as they were things they had tried to do to kill Alternates. So far, though, the only way discovered to kill an Alternate was to stab it in the third eye, which appeared somewhere on the body and was usually a spot like the arm, neck, or leg.

What Alternates did with people was unknown, but all that was figured out was the disappearances of many, many real people, and the replacement and spreading of fake versions.

DJ Yellow was either an alternate… or pulling a sick joke and pretending to be one. It wasn’t far fetched to expect him to pull a downright awful joke like that at a Halloween party, so Blue shrugged it off like nothing, knowing that he was probably the only one at that party who paid attention to news from Heaven World. Considering that the DJ hadn’t started acting weird like that until they HAD reached the party, it seemed more logical than just immediately assuming the person before him was fake.

A few hours passed. Music played, fatty and sweet food was eaten, and musicians and their plus 1’s spoke to one another. Only a few minutes after their conversation had happened, the rap men entered the main hall from the back, dressed in matching costumes that looked like zombies. It depended on the person whether or not watching them question how the fuck their sisters had gotten in was entertaining or not, but the girls weren’t kicked out either way.

Everything seemed to be pulling together finely, until…

JJ and Yellow hadn’t seen each other at all that night, until at one point, the DJ was asked to get an alcoholic drink from the kitchen. The alcohol wasn’t out freely at the snack tables, just to make sure nobody accidentally drank liquor or beer over dyed punch, so people would usually ask their partner to get a drink for them from the back.

JJ was returning from the back hall just as Yellow was descending down it, and it seemed the rockstar couldn’t resist a small remark. “And what are you supposed to be?” He said as the two were about to cross paths.

DJ Yellow stopped in his place, a cocky smirk on his face. “The headless horseman, obviously.” He held up the jack-o-lantern, holding it in front of his head.

“You have a head, DJ.” The other musician glared, raising an eyebrow.

There was a sudden tension in the air as the two realized they were alone in that hallway, and the door to the main hall was completely shut. “You think so?” Yellow turned his head and raised an eyebrow. Before JJ could even say anything-

He thrust the jack-o-lantern backwards.

It slammed into his head and he fell backwards, the lit candle squishing against his face and setting his hair on fire, hot wax falling onto his skin. JJ was stunned silent as he watched DJ Yellow’s body stand up without his head, leaving the smoldering wax and flesh on the floor. “Isn’t this a funny costume, JJ?” All of the remnants of his original voice were replaced by the whispering, fake voice of an alternate person.

“Wh- wha- what the fuck-?!” The rockstar couldn’t scream, he could only let out hushed curses. What he saw didn’t feel real in the slightest. As the other man stood up, he could see that the place where his head and his neck had separated held no arteries or bones, but only one bloodshot yellow eye. Blood leaked down his neck as his head smoldered in flames, melting as though it in itself was made of wax.

DJ Yellow stood back up. He turned around and picked up the pile of wax, human flesh, and pumpkin flesh, shaping it back together with his hands. “The look on your face- I don’t think I’ve ever been more entertained!” He laughed, “You’d never believe how long I’ve been waiting to pull that trick. I love being in the body of someone who finds jokes funny!” With that, he put his head back on his neck, tying his cape carefully so that the blood of his neck was veiled.

He walked right up to the rockstar’s face, leaning close.

“Be lucky this isn’t Heaven World.”

so yeah there’s your “yellow becomes a fucking cryptid” writing piece lmao

[homosexualadventure]

every single lmam song, ranked.

i just finished listening to let’s make a music for the first time, and Oh My God it rocks. it’s a great podcast and if you’re reading this without having listened to it...i don’t know what to tell you. i don’t know what you think lmam means. but, that aside, if you haven’t listened to it yet: go listen to it! it’s not a crazy long podcast, overall or episode length-wise, so it’s manageable even for people who usually can’t handle podcasts (like me!) anyways, now that it’s over, what’s left for me to do with my time and energy that i used to spend thinking about lmam?

listen to the episodes again so that i can rank all fourty-one songs from worst to best, of course. so that’s exactly what i did.

i mostly ranked these on my gut feeling, because i didn’t come up with the idea of ranking it on a set of points before like...five minutes ago. there’s a bit of personal bias in here, so if you disagree with me on rankings, hey! send me an ask, or a dm. we can talk about it. 

so, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into it! let’s...make a ranking. haha. that’s just a fun little lmam joke for you. 

41. the roquefort stank

this song only gets points for laura’s stanky noises in the background. i love laura.

40. shan’t he shanty

weirdly catchy. for a sea shanty, that is. that’s all i have to say.

39. well, i’m on child...

i do love a good gay song about polyamory but it just wasn’t enough in this case. truly heartbreaking. 

38. dog trash

i’m not a big fan of polka in general. that’s all i have to say. i don’t have to explain all my decisions. this is my journey. and it’s your journey that you’re taking with me.

37. echoes of wednesday

it’s not my favorite but i do think it’s sweet and i like all the laura vocals. also the zuko vocals. 

36. brothers in legs

not their best character song but it’s still a song you could quietly headbang to. i just don’t love full story ballads (there is an exception to this, you’ll see) most of the time. 

35. ol’ tim’s tricks

i’m not saying it’s a bad song, i’m just saying it sounds like it was once in a made for tv disney channel-esque movie about a girl who finds her calling in sports and friendship.

34. don’t give me that altitude

very queen-esque with general 80s vibes and i like that.

33. dreamless

if it was longer i think it would be a lot higher on the list, because it’s Good. but i don’t feel right putting a 45 second song above, like, tobie’s razor. still! i love the mellow, kind of sad and eerie tones of it.

32. holiday crime!

look i know this one’s fairly low on the list, hear me out: it’s a good song and it’s pretty memorable as well! but as far as holiday songs go, i don’t think it’s their best or most iconic one. laura’s laughing and beat in the back is absolutely wonderful and heartwarming, though.

31. mr. dad

this one gets a higher rating than the previous holiday song for its good good harmonica and because when i heard the lyrics “but you love to watch him go” used to describe mr. dad i almost toppled my chair backwards with me still in it.

30. mourning ritual

the biggest load of 1980s bullshit i’ve ever heard in this decade. somehow it’s also got a big panic! at the disco vibe and i’m not sure how i feel about it but it’s definitely Strongly There and i can’t deny it.

29. outback sadhouse

it’s RIDICULOUS how well they nailed the sufjan stevens vibe with this one. plus the restaurant dialogue bit in the back of the song really adds a lot. 

28. let down my better dynamite

it’s really easy to bop to and the instrumental in the background is FANTASTIC! jonah really killed it with this one. plus they talk a lot about rats in the episode which is nice for me because i love rats. also it’s the first episode with an instance of “brian does a bit”.

27. the tale of the greazzy creek

i just think it absolutely nails the vibe of a rural campfire grizzled old cowboy song while also being a really catchy theme song. like, i think you could’ve snuck it into holes (2003) and i would’ve been like, yeah, that sounds right. 

26. turn around and come down slowly

not one of their more iconic songs but brian’s voice is so pretty in this and it’s really soothing. 

25. ratless randy’s

i don’t know why it’s this high on the list either, but it is. ratless randy’s really IS the place to be, guys.

24. tobie’s razor

i will be honest. when i saw the title for this episode for the first time i just thought “occam’s razor” and as i type this i can’t even think of what that actually is, so..... anyways, i’d say this song absolutely NAILS the vibe but i have no idea what vibe it’s even remotely related to. certainly does nail the internal childhood monologue though. i think this song is the first one where they really started hitting their stride, also. not that it’s better than some of the earlier ones, but this one forward their songs were pretty consistently high quality. plus, and no one will be surprised by this by now, it gets extra points for laura. 

23. armoire of royals

it’s weird, it’s synthy, has a vaguely billie eilish-esque part near the end which is not necessarily a point in favor depending on your taste but it Definitely is surprising and cool, and it’s got fake british accents. what more do you need out of a song?

22. sybil’s night scare

the piano in this is perfect and fantastic and the comedic timing in the song is just right. jonah’s delivery of “they’re actually real human eyes” is so goddamn good and his singing is Also great and frankly i think we can all agree we’re fucking tired of him saying he can’t sing. i mean, i assume (i fucking hope) he’s stopped saying that by now considering he had the majority of vocals on silo by a bit but Still. it’s a good peppy halloween-y song.

21. chalice for your thoughts

two spooky songs in a row! honestly, i’m not sure what reasons i have for ranking this song as high as i did. i just like it a lot. they were able to include a lot of weird twitter suggestions fairly seamlessly, and it’s just soft and pretty. spooky, but still pretty. 

20. 21st blitheday

i admit it: i fucking hate the voice brian uses in this. but i really, really like the song. the beat’s very good and somehow brian still manages to sing the chorus well and make it sound nice even though his affectation is Stupid as hell <3 the background whistling is nice and his robot voice, which he’s used for several of his videos but i think most notoriously for scrundler in his week in revue series (here), is also featured. it’s a real bop, i think.

19. monday night boomball

i genuinely think this is their weirdest song, ever. it’s incomprehensible and it’s so fucking theatre kid of them, and it’s dumb as shit but it’s really funny and enjoyable and strange and i love it.

18. gentle light

this is a really good song. it’s not weird or funny, it’s genuinely just a really soft, calming, normal song. i can’t in good conscience rank it above the others for this reason, because it’s easier to make a regular song good than it is for a song about fucking a tree, but i want to be clear: i really love this song. it’s a song that you could fall asleep to, cry to, cuddle up in a blanket to, whatever the hell you want to do to it.

17. proud egg mouth

extra points for fitting the word “maw” in any kind of song, a feat i’m not sure anyone else has ever accomplished. also for brian actually singing with an egg in his mouth.

16. you can take that to the bank

brian does an incredible randy newman impression and i love him for it. also it’s just a good song! it’s not my favorite but it’s very pleasing to my ears and it’s well made.

15. rainbow trout eggs

i listened to a shit ton of colbie caillat in middle school and i can tell you with confidence that the lyrics “i feel so alive and i know that i’m happy na na na na na hey hey” would be in one of her songs. it’s a good song with completely ridiculous lyrics and it’s a better character/full story ballad than their previous ones, in my opinion. which is what you’re specifically here for!

14. car mitzvah

i think this is a song my dad would listen to if it came on the radio. i also think it deserves to be in an early 90s or maybe coming of age movie. brian’s vocals are fantastic in this, also.

13. dr. brims

“it’s a new year, Ha Hah!” this song is sooooo fucking funny and exemplary of a lot of their other songs that came afterwards. i’ve been saying that a lot i think. writing reviews is hard.

12. let’s make a music (theme song)

maybe it’s the emotional value of this song being the song i associate most with the podcast, since it’s the theme song, or maybe it’s just really good. (spoiler: it’s both but mostly the second one) the episode is also really funny in general and if you’re new to the podcast and don’t care about order, i highly recommend this one first! 

11. heartbreak in michael’s

a very very very good sad gay love song and i recommend it to the ends of the earth! because this is the internet, and i can!

10. arbor day!

you try making a horny song about deforestation.

9. why don’t you like our song title?

such a fucking bop and showcases their skill for just doing whatever the hell they want and STILL making a fantastic song or video or whatever. they just stop saying words in it and it does not take anything away from the song. could you do that? i mean...maybe! but for the sake of this review and my point i’m gonna be like fuck you no you couldn’t. moving on.

8. akimbo

the backing track in this is ABSOLUTELY what makes the song. plus that one video of brian strutting but technically that can’t affect my review of the song because Technically it’s not part of the song. anyways it’s really peppy and fun and enjoyable and Good.

7. heartbreak in michael’s (reprise)

it’s the perfect finale song. like, it genuinely sounds like the song that plays at the end of a romcom after everything’s finally worked out. i Did cry when i heard brian sing the theme song at the end but that’s just because i’m a sentimental son of a bitch. so besides that ending bit that i can(’t) guarantee will make you tear up at Least, it’s really fucking fun! it’s upbeat and happy and i think they made the right song to go out on. or to go on a hiatus on, if brian’s website is to be believed. i don’t believe it, but hypothetically, y’know? hypothetically...

6. debutaunt ball

if the met gala doesn’t make this their theme song i will personally burn next year’s event to the ground, i swear to god. also it’s a good song to show off both jonah and brian’s range. it’s not like a lot of their other songs but it’s SUCH a banger and i adore it.

5. madame zamporium’s wax emporium 

fuck yeah. learning that the “ooh come on baby” from several unraveleds came from a let’s make a music is the reason i finally started listening to the podcast in the first place. but BESIDES that, since that’s not a reason for my ranking (just a fun little fact about me!), this song slaps a ridiculous amount. they went insanely hard and it’s the first song they made that really sets the tone of the podcast, which is: great comedy, great high production music. 

4. alan rickman’s edible zoo

GOD! the anti-celebrity, anti-capitalist rock song i’ve been waiting all my fucking life for! also it’s anti-america but only in one lyric. but in Another sense....throughout the whole song. PLUS, and most importantly, it features jonah’s literally and i mean LITERALLY impeccable alan rickman impression. like, it’s fucking bulletproof. alan rickman was in the goddamn room. 

3. horsecar!

look. when this song started playing for the first time i went...fuck no. in general i don’t tolerate country or cowboy songs very well because they just don’t sound appealing to my ears most of the time. i put up with country road only because of a funny mario edit someone made of it and now the original song has more value to me. this is relevant only because the same thing happened with horsecar! in that the chorus KICKS ASS. i may make a post on just my favorite lmam songs and also this is already a crazy long post so i won’t go into it too much but i will say this. the shock value of going from the first verse in this song to the chorus is...........Incredibly high and it Works So Fucking Well! it literally makes the song. and not even just for the short term value of Oh My God That’s A Twist, it lasts through the whole song. i’m listening to the song as i type this and i’m currently at the country/cowboy part and i don’t hate it because i know the chorus is incredible. in fact, i’d argue that the chorus on its own may be the best thing lmam ever made, even better than my two actual favorite songs of theirs. i’m definitely going to have to make a full post on this. (SIDE NOTE: BRIAN’S VOCALS ARE FUCKING CRAZY AND HORSECAR! IS ONE OF THE BEST EXAMPLES OF THIS. his goddamn RANGE!! SIR!!! his falsetto is literally ridiculous my pants are OFF)

2. dragon me to this wedding

this is what i meant when i said there’s an exception to the “i’m not generally a fan of full story ballads”, because this is one of my all time favorite lmam songs. as in, it’s in the top three. which i guess you can tell from it being number two in the top three. in fact, it’s probably one of my favorite songs in general. the first time i listened to the episode i went back and listened to the song again three times in a row, and all three times i cried real tears. it’s GAY it’s REALLY PRETTY and i LOVE IT. 

1. save 2 4 tony

so we’ve finally made it to my all-time favorite lmam song. maybe it’s that i recently graduated myself and so this song hits a little harder, but it also just GOES hard. i genuinely think they peaked when they recorded this. it’s one of those bdg songs where you’re listening to it, you’re just chilling, and it’s like “yeah wow this is nice!” and all of a sudden he hits a falsetto and you go “oh FUCK that guy can SING!” literally his vocals in this are incredible and it’s very fun (and on brand) that the Oh Fuck moment here is the line “tony hawk babeyyy!” plus jonah killed it on the backing and composition and everything. it’s the best let’s make a music song and i won’t take constructive criticism.

[purplesurveys]

1006

(found at xxbieberburnham)

“The rest of your life”

Are you independent or dependent? Dependent as all hell. I’ll put my foot down on very certain things, but most of the time I prefer hearing input or suggestions from people I trust. I definitely think it’s something I still have to work on because I know I’ll have to be mostly independent at some point.

If you could put your life into a category, where would it go? I feel like this would be easier to answer if you gave a list of categories. I don’t know what kind of insight you’re looking for.

How many animals do you have? I have two, but I call them pets.

Are you popular? Idk and I don’t care. All I know is I don’t actively seek to be so.

What time were you born? 9:11 in the evening.

Have you had any candy this week? Yeah, I had a gummy worm this morning. Mom bought a box of Halloween-themed sweets and there were cupcakes had gummy worms on them alongside marshmallows designed to look like a tombstone.

Are you more afraid of tornadoes or hurricanes? Hurricanes are terrifying, but I’m used to them. We don’t get tornadoes at all so I’ll not only be unprepared for those, but would definitely be more afraid of them too.

Do you like those nerd glasses? Sure, I still think they’re cute and look good on people but I never called them nerd glasses lol. Mine are kinda shaped like one.

Have you ever been in a fist fight? Nah, I’d be wiped out pretty fast.

What color is your house? A light shade of beige.

When was the last time you saw a rainbow? More than a year ago, I’m sure. It was during our ride back home from a journalism workshop, which if I remember correctly was all the way in Cavite. Goddamn we traveled a lot for those workshops.

Have you ever ate a crayon? I’ve never bitten off a piece but I’m not ruling out at least licking.

Ever rode in a helicopter? Nope. Would love to.

Do you like rabbits? Sure.

Do you like mushrooms? For the most part I don’t even think they taste like anything, so I never really had a problem with mushrooms.

“It’s like you step into the room and just press play”

What was the last movie you cried at? That Thing Called Tadhana. I had watched it five years ago after my first breakup; I got to go to Sagada shortly after that breakup, so that movie was actually very therapeutic for me at the time because it allowed me to release my feelings the way Mace did, also in Sagada. Now I’m stuck at home and can’t travel and that movie just hurt too much to finish.

What ice cream flavor best describes your personality? I don’t really...pair ice cream flavors with types of personalities.

Would you rather work for a small or large company? Large, because I feel like I’d be challenged more in those and thus learn more. Also it just looks nicer on resumés, if I’m being honest. Smaller companies are ok too but I prefer those that already have a rep for churning excellent results and having a good track record for workplace culture, like the company I’m currently working with.

Where's your favorite place to buy clothes? Ukays. I used to not like them, but my mom and sister did a great job reeling me in and making me see the appeal.

How many languages do you speak? Two.

What was the worst movie you've ever seen? Me Before You was such a waste of my time. Predictable, cheesy, and typical asshole-guy-softens-up-over-time-oh-and-just-as-you-start-to-root-for-him-we’re-gonna-kill-him-off. But idk, I was with friends who were into movies like those and I wanted to support them, so I went along to watch.

What video game have you played the most? Cumulatively, pretty sure it’s Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

What was your favorite TV show as a child? I was a Nickelodeon girl and Spongebob, Fairly OddParents, and My Life as a Teenage Robot were my top 3, with Jimmy Neutron closely trailing at #4. I loved Disney shows too but wasn’t really able to appreciate them as much until I got a little older and could understand their humor better.

What's your favorite sport? My answer won’t change - if it counts, pro wrestling. If it doesn’t, my next favorite is table tennis.

If you were given a brand new yacht, what would you name it? Nothing creative is coming to me at the moment.

Do you believe there’s life on other planets? Yes. Maybe not the ones in our solar system, but those out in the distant universe for sure.

What was the worst place you ever traveled to? Can’t say I’ve truly disliked a particular place we’ve been to. I will say that Chinese people have a...culture that I’m not used to, and I did not enjoy touring with a bunch of them during my cruise. They had buffet habits that I would consider unhygienic, they would sit at the same table my mom and I were eating at if there were available seats(??????? imagine if I just sat beside you at a diner while you’re having lunch?), and apparently it’s acceptable for them to actually look you in the eyes and point directly at you if they’re talking about you with other people. It was honestly a lot to put up with for six days, and the only reason I didn’t lose my temper was because my dad works in the ship and I didn’t want to cause him any trouble.

What is one thing you’re really bad at? Making art.

Do you believe in angels? No. I like referring to my grandpa as my guardian angel, but I don’t actually believe in angels.

Would you rather be a famous actor or musician? I know I’m awful at either, but I’d much rather act.

“where have you been all my life?”

If you could have invented one thing, what would it have been? It’d be cool to come up with something that ends up being widely popular and/or beneficial to society, but do it accidentally; like how popsicles came to be. Imagine building a legacy from your own oopsie lmao sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

What's your favorite exercise workout? I don’t do workouts.

What's your favorite thing to do? Wow, very straightforward. Hmm these days I’m slowly inching back to wrestling, so I’ve been watching compilations and documentaries and doing some catching-up here and there. Lately I’d say that’s my favorite thing to do, but that can always change.

What did you do for your 17th birthday? Gab and I went to Pinto and she brought me to Filio after. Then I got back home to see what Athenna had done to my room while I was out, which was to cover the floor with balloons and the walls with printed photos of Zayn Malik.

Does your local Wal Mart have benches in them to rest? First, we’ll need to have local Wal-Mart stores here.

Was your favorite stuffed animal really a teddy bear growing up? I never liked stuffed animals, so I didn’t even have a teddy bear.

If your house was haunted, what would you do? Not fuck with the ghosts/spirits.

Are you crazy in love currently? Not crazily, but in love.

Are you good at swimming? I can tread and do several strokes, but I also tend to panic so I think that eliminates the concept of me being a good swimmer.

What's worse: Slow internet or slow walkers? Slow internet. I can get around slow walkers; but unless I have mobile data, slow internet is out of my control for the most part.

What is the rudest thing a guy has ever done to you? I can’t pick between whistling at me, catcalling me, lunging at me, or flirtatiously harass me in front of his friends while I was minding my goddamn business carrying a goddamn box of cake at the mall. Yeah, not a very big fan of men.

Do you sleep with the sheets tucked in or out? Out.

What do you do to fall asleep faster? Put on a YouTube video and let autoplay take over.

Do you carry a bottle of water wherever you go? Yeah I used to, until I lost it.

Ae you afraid that one day you might get cancer? The fear of the possibility is there, but it’s not predominantly in our family history and so I’m more afraid of other issues I have a higher chance of getting, like high blood pressure.

“Letters to Juliet”

Are you a fast or slow walker? Fast if I’m running errands, slow-ish if I’m out for leisure.

Do you usually have to wear a belt with your pants? No.

Does it bother you when people's underwear hangs out? Kinda. Even more when their crack decides to show up too.

Are you usually the person to try new things with your hair? No, I am one of the last people in line when it comes to that.

When's your birthday? April 21st.

Do you own a bobble-head toy? Nopes.

What color was the towel you used to dry off with today after a shower? Turquoise.

Has anyone ever walked you home? I’ve had someone drive me home. Walking isn’t really applicable here.

Have you ever liked someone and they were taken? That’s never happened to me.

When was the last time you went fishing? In my past life, maybe.

True or false: You've read the book Lord of the Flies? False.

Have you heard of the band Yellowcard? Yes.

Have you ever seen the show Teen Wolf? I’ve seen an episode and oh my god it was so boring.

Do you have any quotes, lyrics etc on your walls? I used to until my mom took it down while I was in school. I made it myself, so it stung.

Are you a fan of Star Wars? No.

“Our parents never let us cross the street, but we did it anyway”

Has anyone ever told you that you have nice hair? Whenever it was actually nice, yeah. It was never my best feature though.

What brand of camera do you own? I have...an iPhone, if it counts, ha. My old DSLR was a Nikon.

Is there something you're not looking forward to? The next day. Having to go through rounds of anxiety is not enjoyable.

Have you ever read the book Thirteen Reasons Why? Have not read the book nor seen the show, but have read enough of the premise to know I am not a fan.

Do you wear white pants? Sure, I have a pair of white jeans that I absolutely love.

When was the last time you were really angry? Yesterday. My sister and I were ordering KFC from a food delivery app and no driver was taking it because drivers in that company are notoriously picky bitches about their destinations. They kept canceling our orders and at some point I had enough and proposed that we just get Pizza Hut, this time straight from the Pizza Hut website, which has always worked out for us before. So Pizza Hut confirms the order, calls me up and says the ETA, so far so good. Around 15 minutes later the doorbell rings and it’s...KFC? With our original orders? Apparently that stupid ass app took our order anyway after repeatedly canceling it, and I never got one fucking notification that our order was received. Tried to cancel Pizza Hut but they said they had already started making the pizzas, so in the end we had to pay for both meals. I had never been so angry.

Have you ever made a 3 pointer in a basketball game? Hah, of course not. I’ve barely made one of those free throws that are worth one point.

Do you think you look better with your hair up or down? I’ve gotten more compliments whenever it’s up, so that must look better on me even if I personally don’t necessarily agree.

Do you warm up before you hardcore exercise? I don’t exercise, but isn’t warming up recommended anyway?

Do you want a pair of Converse shoes? Not really; I suppose they’re alright. It’s not my favorite brand in the world, but I wouldn’t turn down a free pair either.

Are you more of a studs or hoops type of person when it comes to earrings? Hoooooooooops for days.

How many shirts do you have of your favorite band? Just one. I’m not a band shirt person.

Turn on the TV. What channel are you on? There’s no TV in this room.

Have you ever wore a tie before? Yeah, as a kid my mom sometimes made me wear neckties. They made me SO uncomfortable I was having internal breakdowns about being seen in public. I was 7 years old. Neckties to me were a boy thing and I felt 0% boy; and so it gave me such serious dysphoria. It’s like making a boy wear a pink tutu even if he’s already visibly distressed. Whenever I told my mom I felt uncomfortable, she would just tell me it “looks good.” Jesus Christ. Why did no one ever drag my mom to a parenting seminar? Did no one seriously see the signs???

What did you have for breakfast this morning? Garlic rice, bacon strips, and glazed ham.

“For the Krusty Krab”

Are you good at art? Of course not.

How many times have you read your favorite book? I don’t have one.

Name one thing that you really hate. Raisins, on their own and incorporated in a dish.

Have you ever tried walking on stilts? I haven’t.

Is there a war that you find interesting? Eh, not really. So many of historical accounts are bombarded with war narratives as it is, and I’ve just never really found disputes or tensions among countries to be the most interesting part about history. Plus women were mostly absent, and that makes it even more boring.

Would you rather live in the city or country? City.

Do you think $7 is too much for a movie ticket? Not always. $7 or ₱350 is actually pretty reasonable if you wanna see a movie at an upscale mall; people who watch movies in places like that shouldn’t be complaining about movie tickets that cost that much. But all movie theaters are the same anyway - pitch black, freezing, comfy chairs - so I just go to midscale malls where tickets would be like a hundred bucks cheaper since it’s gonna give me the same experience anyway.

Would you like to be a newscast person? For a long time I thought I wanted to be one because that’s what my entire family was rooting me to become. Eventually I realized reading from a teleprompter, interviewing guests, and asking questions to reporters is not a career I want.

Do you like word searches, coloring or crosswords better? Word searches, then coloring, then crosswords.

Close your eyes and press a random key on the keyboard. U.

How many William’s do you know? I don’t think I know anyone. It’s too foreign-sounding a name.

What time did you wake up this morning? I woke up at around 6 AM, but I fell back asleep immediately and woke up again around 30 minutes later.

Do you enjoy crutches? ...No? That seems a little insensitive for people who actually need them.

What's better: Snapple or Arizona tea? Arizona. It’s because I’ve never had the Snapple one, but tbh Arizona is already pretty delicious anyway.

Make a word out of the word: Dinosaur. Round.

“she said I love this song, I’ve heard it before”

When you were younger, did you play with legos? Yes. I was never a creative kid, but I liked playing with them anyway.

Do you like Trix cereal? It was only my absolute favorite cereal as a kid, no biggie.

Do you get nervous easily? Ugh, yes. My parents asked me to get water containers from our local water station last Saturday and I literally had to allot like two hours to brace myself and make a script in my head. I constantly rehearse shit nearly every time I have to go out of the house.

How long is your Facebook password? I’m not sharing that.

Do you like the movie Mean Girls? No, I didn’t find it funny the first time and that made me uninterested in giving it a second chance.

How do you want your wedding to be? Big, grand. Lots of friends, lots of food. Not Catholic/Christian.

Have you seen the movie or show Catfish? Nope.

Do you hate it when you arrive to something early? Not usually. Being early is my goal in most situations, unless I’m headed to like a party.

Have you ever been on Omegle? A few times as a teenager.

Are you still in love with one of your exes? Yes. It’s not going away for a while.

Do you think it's attractive when guys wear beanies? I don’t necessarily seek out men with beanies lol but I don’t think it looks bad on them either.

What's something that makes you feel shy in public? Unfamiliar situations.

Do you like the shows on MTV? No.

If you could go back and relive one day, what day? That last Friday I was in school before the lockdown happened. If I knew what the next eight months were going to look like, I would’ve stayed much longer in school, dragged my friends out to drink, blew my money on food, had more fun basically.

What's one word you hate to be called? Exhausting. Like being told I’m exhausting to be with. How does that not hurt?

[timeagainreviews]

My Series 10 Rewatch: The Husbands of River Song

One of the beautiful aspects of starting this blog has been the opportunity to revisit old episodes. The title of this blog "Time and Time Again," isn’t just a reference both to Twin Peaks and Doctor Who, but also a raison d'être. The hope is that repeat viewings will bring forth new insights. Things I loathed previously may seem charming in hindsight. Things I initially adored may begin to show cracks in their facade. Some records take a few listens until we discover their greatness. Sometimes art requires consideration.

I mention this because our first review for the series 10 retrospective is for "The Husbands of River Song," an episode of which I detested. It's important to give this context as my opinion of it has indeed mellowed over time. I will endeavour to highlight this shift in perspective as memory permits. Before the other day, I hadn't watched this episode since it first aired on Christmas of 2015. What then can nearly half a decade add to the experience?

It should be noted that I have never been a big fan of Doctor Who Christmas specials. It would be quicker to count the reasons I like them, or in this case, the reason. That being, it's more Doctor Who. Other than that, I find the whole Christmas theme to be hokey. Growing up, I was a Halloween kid. I really don't like Christmas all that much, so an entire episode themed around it is not my idea of a good time. Even worse is when the villains themselves have Christmassy gimmicks like Santa robots or evil snowmen. I suppose in some ways, it's in the Christmas spirit for the Doctor to die and regenerate on Christmas, as they so often do. The concept of birth and renewal are a big part of the holiday. But if I was known to die a lot on Christmas, I might use my time machine to skip it every year.

Landing his TARDIS on Christmas Day, in the year 5343 is Peter Capaldi as the Twelfth Doctor. The planet, Mendorax Dellora, is one of Steven Moffat's usual Christmas village planets, stuck somewhere in a vortex of quaint sentiment. The Doctor appears to have about as much Christmas spirit as I do. Having just lost Clara both in spirit and memory, he's reverted to the Doctor's most worrisome state- hermitic and bitter. Not even the TARDIS' holographically generated reindeer antlers can bring out the holiday cheer. It's a visit from Nardole, a nebbish sort of man, that brings the Doctor out of his slump. Mistaking him for a surgeon, he leads the Doctor to what appears to be a crash-landed saucer. The obscene redness of its exterior against the plain backdrop gave me the strangest pangs of the circus tent from "Killer Klowns from Outer Space." Just throwing that out there.

From the outset, Peter Capaldi is at his most charming. I've never actually covered a Twelfth Doctor story before now, so I would like to mention how much I adore his performance as the Doctor. I know he gets a lot of flack from certain fans (see: dipshit morons with no class), but I think he's brilliant. Right away his banter with Nardole is apparent. It's easy to see why someone may have watched Capaldi and Matt Lucas interacting and thought "There's something here." Lucas' history in comedy gives him great timing as the foil to the Twelfth Doctor's eccentricity.

However, it won't be Nardole filling the role of co-star for long. As the Doctor enters the ship of King Hydroflax, he is greeted by the familiar face of River Song. As I have mentioned previously, I have issues with the way River's story plays out, but by this point in the show, I had grown to love her. Which is why this episode pains me so much. The problems inherent in having the Doctor and River's relationship play out like two ships in the night are at their worst in this episode, but I'll get to that in due time.

The King Hydroflax, played with great relish by Greg Davies is a mere head atop a giant robot body, painted in the same garish red as the flying saucer. River, acting very unlike herself, is practically prostrating herself in front of the vain king. Furthermore, she doesn't seem to recognise the Doctor's new face at all. Even more disturbing to the Doctor is the fact that River appears to be married to the king tyrant, talking about him as some sort of cherished lover. After analysing his new patient, the Doctor discovers a foreign body lodged into Hydroflax's skull. All the while, the king's loyal subjects watch a live feed of the operation, booing the Doctor when he refuses to placate the ego of their leader. It's an idea that has become painfully more believable in the years since airing.

The Doctor and River go into another room of the ship where River explains that the foreign body is, in fact, the most valuable diamond in the universe known as the Halassi Androvar. Somewhat to the Doctor's relief, he discovers that River's love for the king has been a ruse to recover the diamond for the Halassi people, from whom it was stolen. Much like the Doctor has turned into a bitter hermit, loneliness has brought out River's more sadistic nature as she takes to the idea of killing Hyrdroflax for the diamond in stride. Less enthusiastic of the idea than even the Doctor is the emperor himself, who has somehow managed to eavesdrop on two Time Lords while walking around in a massive robotic body. This kind of logic will continue throughout the night.

The king is much displeased with learning that his new wife is some renegade archaeologist with a sonic trowel. Taunting the pair, he removes his head from his robot body, leading River to improvise. Holding his head hostage at trowelpoint, River improvises and takes the entire head in a duffel bag. River's other husband, a beautiful but submissive man named Ramone, teleports her and the Doctor to safety with the head in tow. Meanwhile, Hyrdoflax's body sets about taking on a new head in the form of poor Nardole. It’s worth noting that River wiping Ramone’s mind of any knowledge that they were married is a bit creepy. There are implications involved that kind of gross me out.

The Doctor, having just met Ramone, is taken aback after having met yet another of River's husbands. Beginning to feel like a bit of an afterthought the Doctor takes small potshots at River's sense of loyalty, while also fishing for clues that he may or may not have ever meant something to her. For all this episode does to highlight the Doctor and River's secret feelings for one another, it does a piss poor job of actually staying true to River's character in one key manner. Throughout a majority of the episode, River fails repeatedly to recognise the Doctor for who he is.

Moffat tries somewhat to cover his tracks by making it look as though River only knows of twelve previous regenerations, including the War Doctor. In what looks like one of the cheapest props of the episode, she even has a little fold-out wallet with all of the Doctors' pictures. Knowing that the Eleventh Doctor was the end of his regeneration cycle, she never even considers the idea that the Doctor may have lived on. Even though toward the end of the episode, she remarks that the Doctor always finds a way to cheat fate, she wholeheartedly buys into the idea that the Doctor would just never regenerate beyond the Eleventh Doctor. In a single episode, not even River's own logic believes River's own logic.

Learning that River sometimes shows up to places he's been long enough to take the TARDIS for a joyride, the Doctor is given a chance to act as a bit of a spectator in his own life. There is a definite bit of glee to be found in the Twelfth Doctor's over the top reaction to his own TARDIS. Finally being able to say "It's bigger on the inside," the Doctor savours the moment to great comical effect. Ramone parts ways to he and River's pre-established rendezvous point. However, he is cut short by the giant robot body holding a gun to Nardole's head. Poor Nardole, he's having such a rough go of things. First, he brings the wrong surgeon, then he loses his body, and now he's being held hostage by his new body. The robot’s only demand is that Ramone send a message to River.

River, as always, is quite at home in the TARDIS, even taking a moment to raid the liquor cabinet of which not even the Doctor was aware. However, her flawless piloting of the TARDIS is thrown out of whack by unforeseen circumstances. Even after the Doctor deduces that the TARDIS won't fly while it senses the King's head and body are both inside and outside the TARDIS, River still doesn't grasp the fact that he is the Doctor. I would also like mention that while I found the TARDIS' failsafe to be a rather creative invention, it did immediately make me wonder about the Cyberhead Handles' body. What constitutes a body the TARDIS recognises? Could the Face of Boe fly in the TARDIS? Could Dorium Maldovar? Oh well, it doesn't really matter.

A knock on the TARDIS door from Ramone, now part of the robot, quickly reunites the head and body. However, for the third time in this episode, any action is immediately sidestepped by yet another person taking a disembodied head hostage. This time it's the Doctor threatening to throw Hydroflax's head down the garbage chute. Every chance this episode gets, it bravely avoids the perils of forming some sort of plot. The stakes have never been lower. The Doctor and River take the TARDIS to a restaurant aboard the starship Harmony and Redemption. Everyone onboard is some sort of war criminal or seedy individual, including the Maître d', a bug faced man named Flemming. After taking a seat in the restaurant, River reveals that she never planned on returning the diamond to the people of Halassi. Instead, she plans on selling it to the highest bidder.

The Doctor uses this moment to probe River for further information. River reads silently from her TARDIS diary. She reveals to the Doctor that the person who gave her the diary was the type of man who would know just how long a diary she would need. It's at this moment that the Doctor begins to see traces that River is very much still in love with him and that she may be a little lost without him. I would say this scene was touching if it weren't for the fact that it was undercut by River's inability to recognise the man sitting directly in front of her. It's so out of character for River to be this myopic. By this point in my initial watch through, I was so annoyed by this betrayal of her character that it took me out of the story completely. The second time around was only a little less irritating due to the fact that at least now I expected it.

River's buyer turns out to be Scratch, a very Moffatty body horror bad guy, in the vein of characters like Colony Sarff or the Headless Monks. After accepting River's price, Scratch opens his head like a coin purse and pulls out a little orb that connects to any bank in the universe. By this point, I've grown accustomed to Moffat's over the top exploits like this. It's feasible to imagine that Scratch's cruel master may have torn his head open to store money. It's like in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," when Humma Kavula removes a servant's nose to reveal a control pad that opens a series of draws tucked into his chest. However, it gets a bit far fetched when it is revealed that many other diners in the restaurant are the same species as Scratch and they all have the same scar across their faces. Is this some evolutionary trait? Are they a species so greedy that they evolved a place to squirrel away their money? Do they keep other stuff like car keys or bags of space weed? Not every bad guy needs to be a toy, Moffat!

The reason the patrons suddenly turn on the Doctor and River is that they discover the diamond is lodged within the head of their great leader. This brings up even more questions about their heads. Why doesn't Hydroflax’s head have the same scar? Are they the same species? How did this asshole even get so much power in the first place? There seems to be neither anything likable nor competent about him... oh right. Once again, the events of the years since have made this episode more believable. Dinner is even further interrupted by the King's body barging in, demanding its proper head. Only now it deems King Hydroflax's head unsuitable. Having been detached from his body for too long, the King's head is now dying. The body disintegrates the King's head, leaving behind the diamond. Flemming uses this opportunity to alert the patrons of the restaurant to the fact that River knows the perfect person to become the next head of state, so to speak. Of course, it's the Doctor.

Why Flemming knows River knows a Time Lord, but doesn't know she herself is a Time Lord is anyone's guess. Or maybe he knows and is just throwing shade by implying that the Doctor is a better Time Lord. It's at this moment that Alex Kingston is given one of her finest moments as River Song in the form of an emotional monologue. After arguing that the Doctor wouldn't be there with her because he doesn't care, it finally dons on her that the Doctor has been standing next to her the entire time. Despite the fact that Moffat sacrificed River's intelligence for the sake of a big reveal, the moment still resonates. Capaldi's warm gaze meeting River's expression of shock followed by his soft utterance of "Hello sweetie," is genuinely touching. No cynical sensationalism can undo the beautiful performances given by Capaldi and Kingston, who bring more gravity to the scene than the script.

For all of the hand-wavey tripe this episode heaps upon us, the way in which the Doctor and River escape this sticky situation is actually rather brilliant. In any other show, the appearance of a sudden freak meteor collision with the ship would seem convenient. But River is an archaeologist and a time traveller. She picked her meeting location perfectly- a starship about to be destroyed by meteors. Her line of "I'm an archaeologist from the future, I dug you up," is easily one of the best River Song lines ever written for Doctor Who. If this is truly her final episode, that's one hell of a line to go out on.

In another convenient moment, the diamond lands in River's dress as they're making their escape. I guess she planned that too. The Doctor uses Scratch's money orb to short circuit the robot body with its firewall. River and the Doctor run to the TARDIS while the ship crashes into the planet Darillium, knocking River unconscious. While River is out, the Doctor uses the opportunity to do a bit of time travelling. First, the Doctor gives the diamond to one of the crash's first responders, telling him to build a restaurant in front of the singing towers of Darillium. Then he jumps forward to a time when the restaurant has been built to make reservations. Then he jumps forward to the day of the reservation. River wakes up to find herself wandering into a beautiful restaurant on Christmas Day. Even Ramone and Nardole have survived due to some trickery on the Doctor’s behalf. Nardole is having a bit of “alone time,” which River remarks must be difficult as a head. That one goes up there with Ursula becoming a blowjob dispensing pavement stone at the end of “Love and Monsters.” The Doctor is waiting for River in a First Doctor style bow tie and coat. He treats her to a romantic meal and the gift of her own sonic screwdriver, the same sonic screwdriver she has when we met her in "Silence in the Library."

There's a nice little cap on the entire River storyline here that feels a bit more final than the one between her and the Eleventh Doctor. Perhaps it's the fact that it's the last time Moffat wrote her character, or perhaps it's because even River seems to know something is up. Having heard the legends of her own romance with the Doctor, River knows that her last night was spent with the Doctor on the planet Darillium. This is a bit of retconning that you often find in Doctor Who. River doesn't really know in her first appearance that she's headed toward her own demise, yet here she's all too aware of it. It's compounded by the fact that the Doctor reveals that a night on Darillium lasts 24 years. It's meant to be a sweet line that implies they got to spend a lot of time coupling together for 24 years, but it's really just 24 years for River to know, for certain, that she's going to her inevitable doom.

Retcons like these don't necessarily ruin the show. Storytellers shouldn't be forced to sacrifice the current narrative all for the sake of creating tidy bookends. Should Big Finish not put Peri and the Fifth Doctor in more adventures for fear that it may dilute the Doctor's sacrificing his own life for a woman he barely knows? Does him knowing her better make his sacrifice any less admirable? How about the many times River meets the Doctor in his previous forms even though the Tenth Doctor clearly had never met her in his life? I'm not going to answer these questions because they should be open-ended. It is a thing to consider in Doctor Who. If time is a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff, then maybe the storylines are allowed to be as malleable.

As I've demonstrated above, our own experiences with the stories can be malleable. I watched this episode with my boyfriend because I wanted to gauge his initial reaction. A lot of his reactions mirrored my own. We both found ourselves enjoying it as a light romp afforded by the air of a Christmas episode, while also deriding it for its lack of plot. Like myself, he too felt that the big reveal was detrimental to River's intelligence and went on past the point of acceptability. It's one of the oddest things about Steven Moffat as a writer, no matter how clever his ideas actually may be, he doesn't ever seem to know when his audience has caught on. Perhaps it's the suits at the BBC underestimating the audience. Or perhaps this is because he spent a lot of his life as a Doctor Who nerd, oftentimes feeling out of place when talking about Doctor Who to casuals. But the modern Doctor Who audience has been raised on science fiction and intricate narratives. No hand-holding necessary.

Regardless of how attuned he perceives his audience to be, River's realisation seems more slavishly timed to the climax of the story than anything else. One can't help but wonder if Moffat hadn't been so insistent on making this moment the crux of the episode, we may have actually gotten a more serviceable plot. Instead of heads held hostage and hand waving, we could have gotten a stronger villain. Scratch could have represented more than just some guy with a coin purse head. There are lots of fantastical elements on display, but none of them is ever given any gravity. Moffat's fixation on character relationships is so single-minded that it comes not only at the sake of plot, but character as well. It's unfortunate that despite Alex Kingston's greatest efforts, River's goodbye is undercut by one writer's need to be clever.

[craftmanatee]

Dread X Collection 3 Games Review

Once again, my friend and I have played through a new Dread X collection and I would like to make a short concise review for each game including the Hub area. We each played 1 game resulting in 6 each. The order of games reviewed is not the recommended order to play as we went on a very simple roundabout on the graveyard, and the games have a strong sense of quality unlike Dread X Collection 2 which had many great quality games and many low quality games.

Lets go!

Game X: The Castle (A bit unremarkable)

Scare Type: Cute

Player: My friend

The castle in some way is a step back from the awesomeness of the house. As it proceeds with forced dialogue cutscenes with your character and a ghost character that possesses in you. The puzzles and areas are also larger and more spread out and easier than the house. The Dialogue cutscene itself even give the idea to not compare the two, which is understandable. But let me tell YOU that I enjoyed the house more than I did the Castle (Even if it was not I who was doing the Castle Bit), so even if they are different, one was in my opinion better than the other.

The forced Dialogue cutscenes weren't to bad. The Voice Acting was not bad. Its rather the script and subjecting the player to sit through it. Its not the most fun to sit through and could have been handled better. In the house, a dialogue still happened but you were still free to move around while listening to the pre-recorded message. The ghost possessing you could have done the same with you, but instead this YOU is a character that must go into a dialogue and stop your gameplay.

The STYLE of the castle is where I think it wins the best. The very cute spooky aesthetic is great, and hold a lot of details we noticed near the end of the game. Like the paintings being famous paintings, replacing the characters of the paintings to goofy ghosts. Time passing between each game is also a great detail, making the castle ever so slightly different all the way to night time. I love the castle for this.

We quickly figured out that the theme for this Dread X collection was not just Cute and spooky, but also the inevitability of death.

Nate Berens – SATO WONDERLAND (Ok)

Scare Type: Surprising!

Player: My Buddy

This game was alright, nothing too amazing as pulling different topics to make a new dialogue box appear was tedious and a bit annoying. But the story itself was pretty cool, resulting in a surprise ending. Each game have different endings which we did not try to explore, but for this I think we managed to get the best ending. Not much to say about this one.

Blood Machine – Soul Waste (Eh...)

Scare Type: ...None?

Player: Me

Soul Waste is a 3D action platformer about this... post apocalyptical world, and you happen to be the “Saviour”. We got Ending C for this as we felt the tedium of the collectables and we weren't going to sit around collecting them all in this weird to navigate map. The enemies did not make much of a challenge making the game bit boring. The end boss was the only thing that gave me some ounce of real fun. There was a lot to explore, but my patience wore thin due to not being that interesting of a platformer. Although it did look good for what it did. There is some to explore which we did not, but I simply noticed that there was some things here and there that we did miss. We just did not feel the need to go back.

Bryce Bucher – Disparity of the Dead (Great!)

Scare Type: Horror that sticks around even after the game.

Player: My pal

This game I think pulls off the themes of Dread X Collection 3 very, very well! Perhaps the best thematic one? Nevertheless, this is a 3D platformer that lets you talk to fun characters collecting collectables and piece together a mystery. The topics that which the game introduces to you are all very good and sad in many ways. It also had a lingering effect on me personally. This lingering horror reminded me of SOMA by Frictional Games. Anyways, the game in general is not horrifying until you get to a certain point. Then when the actual ending plays, it all gets sad. We do not know if there are different endings, but the ending we did get was a sad one in my opinion and was great.

Amon Twentysix – Bete Grise (Cool!)

Scare Type: Uneasy, then relief!

Player: Me

I really liked the aesthetics of this game, reminded me a lot of some obscure old-school games. The gameplay is mostly of you going floor to floor doing cleaning and... repairing? Anyways, there are a few hints here and there that foreshadow the great revelation at the end. I saw some of them and felt very uneasy when going through the process as it all felt like a facade. But once the revelation hit, the game turned into something more funny, stylish and well, just felt good. Its rare for a horror game to kinda blue ball you into satisfaction.

DIRIGO GAMES – REACTOR (Disappointing)

Scare Type: Betrayal

Player: My Homie

This is a game I spoiled myself with, which is why I had my friend play it instead. The game is mostly a walking simulator in which it feels like you shouldnt be there in the bad/useless way as there is a robot buddy who keeps you company and doing everything for you. When the time comes, you are then obviously, chased to the ending of the game. Its not scary, sad. Its just a simple experience. The aesthetics of the game is great, by being a gradient of blacks and whites as well as minimal uses of colour. Other than that, this is disappointing.

Moya Horror/Amos – Nice Screams at Funfair (humorously frustrating)

Scare Type: Dont fail

Player: Me

This is a very short game that was short enough for us to also explore a different ending. There is no real inherent horror here. Its mostly thematic to being like Halloween. The game has you serving icecream to people, the challenge is to serve them the ice cream that they want, and take the money into your tip jar or cash register. The real challenge is the controls, as throwing ice cream into the ice cream cones often fails for no reason, and clicking on to activate anything just sometimes did not work. Resulting in funny scenarious. We got 2 different endings for this, one that made sense, and another that we didnt understand. The game looked great, the intro did not have to be as long as it did but it was a fun little ride.

Basalt Tower – Matter OVER Mind (Woah!)

Scare Type: Loosing progress...

Player: My Amigo

Matter over mind absolutely felt like an old-school platformer, it was also unique, colourful and funny/cute! Crawling around as a little parasitical monster and possessing scientists in order to escape the labs just looked great. Like many of these games, it had a collectible that meant... NOTHING. And if you died collecting them, you will loose them all. Prompting you to reset the entire game. Nevertheless, it was an impressive game that felt great.

Corpsepile – Submission (Fuck yeah!)

Scare Type: Scary, but also funny

Player: Me

This game had so many unique and cool twists and ideas. Maybe one of the best games in this collection. It was absolutely creative, funny... everything! It was also scary at times, referencing P.T. Its puzzles were great and fun, so much good about this one! The gameplay switches often, the horror amps up... Man... Submission was super good! Cant really say much other than that.

Torple Dook – Chip’s Tips (Funny!)

Scare Type: Friendly?

Player: My guy

Super creative point and click adventure game, hamming it up to 101%. It is also so patronizingly friendly that it becomes funny. Probably the most unique game on this list. And you can pet the dog in this game. I absolutely love the aesthetics of the unhinged masked textures, as well characters being flat cutouts. What is sad is this game feels like the end to Torple Dook’s streak of being in Dread X Collection games as it references his previous 2 games as well as more.

Breogan Hackett – Bubbo: Adventure on Geralds Island (Woah! x2)

Scare Type: JUMP

Player: Me

A very well done 3D platformer, with some challenge. The game is not scary, although it does come to a point. The platforming was very good albeit a tiny bit weird when turning in a specific way. It also features hidden collectibles that we unfortunately did not find all and left it at that. It sounded and felt good, looked good and was fun to get to the end with. There are different endings, we (me) only got to see 1. I jumped at the right time and made my way out!

Modus Interactive – EDEN: Garden of the Faultless (Chaos?)

Scare type: None, just weird.

Player: My hombre

This is literally a game akin to raising your Chaos in Sonic Adventure games. Just that you raise your little Evangelion. This game I think, has the best Ps1 look than the other games. It has a very weird control scheme, as well as being weird in its own right. And it nails the aesthetics very well. Too bad the game is finicky or boring, sporting long paths and lots of waiting. I guess you could have some fun minmaxing your wittle angel. I guess you always need at least one super unorthodox entry in a collection.

Adam Pype & Viktor Kraus – SPOOKWARE @ The Video Store (Quintessential)

Scare Type: brief moments of panic

Player: Both of us

This game... is actually really fun. Spookware is literally Wario ware but with horror movie themed events. The style, game and everything is perfect. Although very short, I would honestly buy a game like this if it was fully complete. I also think this is the most fitting game for the theme of the collection. Although, not much is done about the “inevitability of death” theme here, but everything else about it carries the collection thematicly. Such a fun and quirky little game.

-------------

Conclusions

And so, the best games in the collection In my opinion were...

#1 Submission AND Spookware

#2 Chips Tips

#3 Disparity of the Dead

The collection was not at all as scary as the first or the second collection. Although, that is understandable as it had a more Fun and goofy vibe to it. I love seeing these collections and it introduces me to people ive never heard of before. Like Viktor Kraus who made the music, like in the trailer for the collection. Thats a great one. I wish to keep seing them make these and I hope that it is profitable for them in the end as well.

[thebiblesalesman]

All the Lore I Know About Tekhartha Zenyatta (with sources)

This probably isn’t everything the entire fandom knows- I’m sure people have worked out things that I haven’t -but this is everything I know as of June 2, 2019.

1. Zenyatta was built either after the Omnic Crisis or during its final days.

2051* - Omnic Crisis begins. 205x (2056 max)** - Omnic Crisis ends. 2056 - Zenyatta built. 2076*** - Overwatch Recall / Death of Mondatta.

*Metzen said the Omnic Crisis began 30 years ago, Chu said it began 25 years ago; Chu is the most recent source.

**Orisa’s hero profile indicates that one of her predecessor models was decommissioned 20 years ago "after the war”, putting a maximum Crisis end date of 2056.

***Metzen said in 2014 that the game takes place “60 years” in the future, but for my sanity I am advancing that date 2 years to match the release year of the game.

Zenyatta is 15 years younger than his student, Genji. Zenyatta’s “Shell” spray, seen above, was part of an Archives 2017 spray set that showed heroes as young children.

+ playoverwatch.com, Zenyatta Hero Profile + playoverwatch.com, Orisa Hero Profile + Chris Metzen, Overwatch Unveiled Panel, Blizzcon 2014 + Michael Chu, Blizzard Forums, 2016/8/17

2. Zenyatta, along with the rest of the Shambali, were already outcasts when they had their spiritual awakening.

You can figure this one out through a careful reading of Zenyatta’s hero profile:

Years ago, following the Omnic Crisis, a group of outcast omnic robots experienced what they described as a spiritual awakening. They abandoned their preprogrammed lives to establish a communal monastery deep in the Himalayas.

I’ve noticed a lot of people get this confused, and think Zenyatta was outcast from the Shambali order, but that is not the case. The Shambali were collectively unwanted before their enlightenment. Cultist Zenyatta describes his pre-monastery status as “No one of note. Just one of thousands like me.”

What does “preprogrammed” mean? There’s a good example in the Retribution mission. At the end of the mission, players encounter a host omnic at an outdoor restaurant. Regardless of the disastrous situation in Venice at the time, the host has a few dialogues about dinner reservations, menu specials, etc. The host makes discomforted noises if players attack them, but never attempts to defend themselves. They sometimes even ask “would you like to know the specials?” as they are dying. This is not because the host is unintelligent, but because they have a program in place defining their actions. The host has yet to experience a moment of clarity that allows them to move beyond their original programming.

Understanding one’s own programming does not automatically result in a Shambali either. Theirs was a spiritually-oriented path, but an omnic realizing how they are being taken advantage of can also lead to unrest, or movements like Null Sector. Overcoming original programming (with various results) is a constant theme for all omnic heroes, from Bastion to Orisa.

--[SPECULATION: Despite being built as civilian models with similar modes of operation to the waiters, clerks, and laborers we have seen in various Overwatch media, it is possible that most of the Shambali were unwanted when they finally emerged due to post-war conflict between humans and omnics. They had programming telling them to accomplish a particular task, but they could never act on it. This could explain why they appear to have had a collective epiphany about their nature and moved as a group to establish their monastery.]

--[QUESTION: Omnica Corporation and the omniums were already shut down for fraudulent production claims before the Crisis started. Who was continuing to make new omnics even during the war, and by what method? Was Zenyatta built in an omnium, or by a more traditional method like an assembly line, or hand-built like Orisa?

We also know that omnics are continuing to be made today, such as the “child” companion omnic seen on the Blizzardworld ride poster, or the OR15s.]

--[QUESTION: Where was Zenyatta built? His hero profile only indicates that the Shambali established their monastery in the Himalayas. It gives no indication on how far they traveled to reach that location.]

+ playoverwatch.com, Zenyatta Hero Profile + Junkenstein’s Revenge 2018, Cultist Interactions + Glen Brogan, Overlord Transport Poster, 2018/1/23

3. For Zenyatta, the term “brother/sister” has multiple possible contexts.

--[SPECULATION: Zenyatta uses “brother/sister” in the traditional religious context when referring to other Shambali. But from the previous point in this list we know that the Shambali were already together in a group when they had their spiritual awakening, so it’s possible that they were all built in the same place at around the same time. This would also be a form of siblinghood.

Zenyatta and the other Shambali may consider all omnics as part of their “family”/in a state of camaraderie with them, hence why Zenyatta refers to Orisa as his sister despite her not being a monk. Zenyatta only ever refers to Bastion as “my friend”, but Bastion has no gender so it may simply be the easiest non-gendered replacement for the endearment.]

+ Zenyatta, Voicelines

4. The Shambali established their sanctum in the ruins of an ancient, preexisting monastery.

+ Overwatch Visual Sourcebook, Environments: Nepal

5. Zenyatta’s name...is Zenyatta. “Tekhartha” is a title. Mondatta also had this title.

--[QUESTION: Is the “Tekhartha” title something every Shambali takes upon joining the order, or is it a rank indicative of leadership? The term is a portmanteau of “technology” and “Siddhartha”, the name of the child who would become Buddha.]

+ Michael Chu, Blizzard Forums, 2018/5/25

6. Mondatta was Zenyatta’s master/mentor...maybe.*

*This might seem like a gimme considering Mondatta is the spiritual leader of the entire Shambali religion, but Zenyatta only ever refers to him as his brother in the main game. It’s in his Cultist incarnation that he describes himself as “following in my Master’s footsteps, searching for enlightenment”.

Wisp (Tracer) also refers to Mondatta as Cultist’s master. Mondatta certainly carries himself like someone older than Zenyatta- not that age confers wisdom, but it’s part of Mondatta’s professorial aesthetic. Zenyatta’s profile unhelpfully describes him as “enigmatic”, but this just brings us back to the question of whether or not the Shambali were all built at the same time and from the same facility. So the crux of this point is whether or not you think Cultist’s story is a reference to real-world history, or if it is AU-only.

The Halloween stories have their own little worlds with their own little plot arcs (at least in my head ;)). Obviously there are some (intentional) similarities to the real world, but it’s not intended to be one to one.  [Michael Chu]

+ playoverwatch.com, Zenyatta Hero Profile + Junkenstein’s Revenge 2018, Cultist Interactions + Michael Chu, Twitter Comments, 2018/10/9

7. Zenyatta’s metal orbs were hand-carved at the Shambali monastery and are used to channel omnic energy.

+ Overwatch Visual Sourcebook, Zenyatta

8. Zenyatta’s abilities as shown in the game exist for “gameplay reasons”, but he is canonically able to heal others by an unknown method.

The Mercy interaction is what explicitly confirms Zenyatta’s healing abilities, but I threw in the Moira one because it is such a wonderful display of character. Moira does not immediately see a scientific explanation for Zenyatta’s abilities, and Zenyatta reframes the question to propose that truly understanding how he functions is the same as understanding how he exists, which is not a physical phenomenon a scientist could observe and measure to resolve with a hypothesis.

Zenyatta is hardly an enemy of the scientific method. He’s just not sure how it can answer the spiritual questions he’s interested in. Upon visiting Oasis he will actually wonder aloud “Can science alone unlock the path to enlightenment?”

Check the Bonus section below for a Cultist interaction that also describes Zenyatta’s abilities as non-magical, but also non-technological.

--[SPECULATION: Zenyatta’s levitation is also a non-technological function. Everything that floats in Overwatch leaves a trace, such as jet trails or blue hover-rings. Everything except Zenyatta. The dude just cruises around on pure enlightenment, which is a trope in both Hinduism and Buddhism.

Zenyatta was originally given the ability to float to distinguish him from other heroes (see the Development section below), but as a character there is no reason for him to artificially give himself the ability to float. Remember that Zenyatta does not seek recognition for his spiritual status. It’s more like a side effect.]

+ Zenyatta and Mercy Interaction added in October 2018 + Zenyatta and Moira Interaction added in October 2018 + Junkenstein’s Revenge 2018, Cultist Interactions + Jeff Kaplan, “Blizzard’s Jeff Kaplan Answers Questions from Twitter” by Wired/Youtube [07:39], 2017/5/17

9. Zenyatta’s disagreement with the direction of the Shambali religion was not his primary reason for leaving the monastery. He left because he wanted to learn by traveling the world. He remained on good terms with Mondatta and the rest of the Shambali after his departure.

--[SPECULATION: After Mondatta’s death, Zenyatta’s relationship with the remaining Shambali may have become more strained due to his long-standing opposition to Mondatta’s approach and his long absence from the monastery. This would explain why despite his good terms with the other monks, he wonders if he would be welcome in Nepal.] --[SPECULATION: Genji and Zenyatta are shown spending Christmas in Nepal the year of the Recall. I hesitate even putting this as speculation honestly. I think Zenyatta did finally reconnect with his brothers and sisters the Christmas after Mondatta died, perhaps following Genji’s lead since the monastery is Genji’s home at this point. However since I can only find architectural similarities and not an exact location that matches the comic I guess the devs reserve the right to pop back in 2 years from now and say “actually they were in Singapore.” (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻] + Jeff Kaplan, Summarized comments via Manolo Rosenberg/Twitter.com, 2017/11/9 + Nepal Map, Zenyatta Voicelines + Nepal Map, Genji Voicelines + Comic: Reflections, 2016/12/20

10. Zenyatta and the other Shambali monks use cooking as a tool to encourage empathy between humans and omnics, even if they themselves cannot eat.

+ Overwatch: The Official Cookbook, Til Ko Laddu Sesame Sweets Recipe, ETA 2019/10/1

11. Zenyatta’s belt has the word “zen” written in Japanese on the tassel.

In earlier concept art, the word “zen” was on Zenyatta’s orbs instead, and it was written in Chinese. The word changed languages and locations later in development. “Zen” itself originates from Zen Buddhism, a Buddhist school from China that emphasizes the act of learning over the doctrine of what is learned, making it a very good fit for Zenyatta, his conflict with the Shambali, and his method of teaching through interaction rather than reciting dogma.

--[SPECULATION: Genji gave the belt to him to signify their bond, or they traveled in Japan together at some point and acquired it then.] --[SPECULATION: The tattered scrap of cream cloth under Zenyatta’s belt is also emblematic of a bond- his life with the Shambali.] + Zenyatta Reference Kit + Overwatch Visual Sourcebook, Zenyatta

Zenyatta Development Notes

If you have ever watched the “Making A Hero” panels from Blizzcon or gone through The Art of Overwatch concept book, you know that heroes tend to arise from one of three domains: 1) Narrative need - for example, Ana had a backstory long before the team figured out how to integrate her into the game, 2) Gameplay need - ex. Junkrat was created because the devs wanted an indirect damage dealer, 3) Conceptual art inspiration - Zenyatta and Zarya both originated from drawings organized around a particular theme, “cyber monk” and “physically strong female character” in their respective cases.

This led to Zenyatta’s initial development as a martial artist, with a powerful physicality. Despite a lot of iterations, the team decided his intimidating presence was too much like other heroes in the game, and they began turning him into more of an “enlightened sage” trope, skinny with the ability to levitate to further set him apart from other heroes. His original concept with many arms lives on in his Transcendence ultimate.

Originally his orbs were meant to be physically fired at enemies, but facing technical challenges such as figuring out how he would reload, the devs changed the orbs so that they would unlock and fire energy at enemies instead. This approach also lent itself to abilities like the Orbs of Harmony and Discord.

Above: Video of Baoding balls, metal balls with a distinctive chiming sound used in China for hand exercise

In terms of philosophical and religious concepts, Zenyatta is kinda all over the Eastern cultural map. He’s got two sprays referencing Korean martial arts and games, he’s got two skins referencing Chinese characters, another pair referencing the Egyptian sun god, and another pair for Arabian jinn. According to The Art of Overwatch his legendaries at launch were themed around “enlightened mythological figures”, which the devs felt suited his sage archetype.

Above: Photo of a building in Pashupatinath, a Hindu temple complex in Kathmandu, Nepal

The Shambali religion takes mostly from Buddhism, though the village below the Shambali monastery invokes Newa architecture. The Newari are a group of indigenous Nepali people who mostly practice Hinduism. It’s not unheard of for philosophies and religions to mix and expand on each other, and a multicultural background may be appropriate for Zenyatta who is a wanderer searching for knowledge, but it does make tracking down particular influences on his character a little boggling at times.

I realize I haven’t covered the mudras (ritual hand gestures) Zenyatta uses yet, but considering the length of this post and how image-intensive that would be, I will in fact let you google those on your own, or perhaps I will make a separate post about it at some point.

Bonus Section: The Cultist Conundrum

As part of Junkenstein’s Revenge 2018, Zenyatta’s Cultist character got 10+ new interactions, many of which don’t seem to reference his Cultist nature very closely. There are several that illuminate Cultist’s relationship with the Swordsman (Genji), some that indicate the Cultist is seeking to help others through their troubles just like Zenyatta, and one interaction that takes on a more ominous tone. To be honest it’s a wonderful exploration of a hero, but since it’s trapped in the Junkenstein’s Revenge AU, we have no way of knowing what’s ultimately true about it for the less cephalopodian version of Zenyatta.

All that said, I think these interactions are just really really good, so I’m going to include them in this post.

Shieldmaiden: Your master is a mysterious-looking fellow. Swordsman: I have learned much from him, but little about him.

Genji wants the lore bombs too btw.

Shieldmaiden: What do you make of the monk? Viking: I do not trust him and his strange gods.

Listening back to the audio of this, the Viking is very specifically saying gods, plural. Polytheism is a big part of Hinduism and to a lesser extent a part of Buddhism, but this is more likely a reference to Cultist’s eldritch origins, the “Great Old Ones” of H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu mythos. It’s also an echo of Torbjörn‘s opinion of the Shambali religion in the main game (“It's like a culmination of a thousand of my worst nightmares!”).

Shieldmaiden: Why did you come here? Cultist: I am following in my Master’s footsteps, searching for enlightenment, though my path has not always been a straight one.

I discussed this earlier as being one of the references to Mondatta as Zenyatta’s mentor. We know he is referring to Mondatta due to a separate conversation with Wisp:

Wisp: How can you trust the Countess after she slew your master? Cultist: Did I say I trusted her?

I recommend hopping on Youtube and giving this interaction a listen if you have never heard it before. As we know from this and other main game interactions, Tracer is extremely pissed about what happened to Mondatta, and views the outcome as her own fault. In this case she actually takes that anger out on Cultist, enraged that he could remain so calm with Countess (Widowmaker) herself at his side. For his part, Cultist is quick to differentiate cooperation from trust. Perhaps the most unfortunate part about the additions to Junkenstein’s Revenge 2018 is that the Countess has no interactions with anyone, so there is no elaboration on Cultist’s thoughts about her.

Shieldmaiden: Is it magic that you do? Cultist: It is not magic, but the power of the spirit that I channel.

Whyisn’tthisjustanormalBrigitteandZenyattainteractionFROWNYFACE. This interaction tells us that spiritual energy is not magic by Overwatch standards. That’s a close alignment with Eastern cultural views, and a clarification from Western ones where anything supernatural is by its nature a form of magic (very fitting that Brigitte is the one asking the question).

To maybe explain this a little better, let’s look at a popular TV show like Dragon Ball Z. Despite Goku having supernatural powers, no one refers to him as a witch or wizard. He instead is considered a manipulator of life energy. Did you feel bad reading this? I felt bad writing it. But I think it’s a good way to differentiate the concepts, especially for anyone who is really hung up on the “Overwatch has no magic!” preconception and then has to reconcile characters like the Shimadas or Zenyatta.

The primary issue with this interaction is its context: Cultist is said to “answer to a foreboding presence- a force beyond mortal understanding”. This is another Lovecraft reference, but it creates a background that doesn’t really match with Cultist’s spirit-oriented response. Maybe he means “the Spirit” with a capital S, but I have a suspicion that this is a regular Zenyatta answer sneaking into the Junkenstein AU.

Shieldmaiden: How is it you have barely broken a sweat? Cultist: It must be my many years of training, simple diet, and careful way of life.

BLESS YOU BRIGITTE. Reminder that the guy she’s asking this question of looks like this:

Swordsman: Watch yourself Master! I cannot mind your back at all times. Cultist: Do you think me so helpless? Swordsman: Battle is not your way.

I like this interaction more for what it tells us about Genji. He’s protective of Zenyatta, not so much because he views Zenyatta as weak, but because he knows Zenyatta would prefer not to fight at all. He wants Zenyatta to live his ideal life rather than the one reality necessitates. This is another interaction that doesn’t quite mesh with the general concept of the Cultist- an outcast who would do anything for forbidden knowledge. I suppose it’s possible that despite his frightening appearance and the broken manacles dangling off his limbs, he is actually benevolent. This concept is echoed in another of the Swordsman’s interactions with him:

Swordsman: It is strange to see you taking part in the battle, Master. Cultist: There are times even I cannot stand by.

I guess Genji already forgot about that robo-spider chilling in a cave that they both decided to beat up for some reason.

Cultist: A pause in the battle. An opportunity to recenter our minds. Swordsman: I am centered.

This interaction starts showing us the other side of the coin- that Zenyatta is trying to advise Genji as best he can on how to proceed through the fight without letting his emotions take control. Genji reacts uh...emotionally.

Cultist: Take care that you do not spend yourself before the battle is done. Swordsman: I am only just getting started!

Genji, in both these cases, is showing himself to be a little prideful.

Van Helsing: You some sorta...holy man? Cultist: Simply a traveler, in search of purpose and meaning. Van Helsing: Aren’t we all.

This goes back to that Zen Buddhism idea that what is important is the act of learning or the journey to an answer, and not the answer itself or what the act of learning causes you to become. In this case, as in the main Overwatch universe, Zenyatta is probably aware that “holy man” is a title conferring a certain deference upon him, and he has no need for that- in fact it may be detrimental. Mondatta’s adoring flocks are never something he has desired.

Cultist: Some believe that the full moon is a good omen. Van Helsing: Maybe...if you’re a werewolf.

Zenyatta, in his Cultist role or otherwise, happily soaks up surrounding cultures. Here he’s bouncing an idea off McCree that he hasn’t embraced himself (”some believe”), but he picked it up somewhere and upon noticing his environment, seeks to learn more from whoever is available to answer. When this interaction plays, it’s always the first interaction of the game- so Cultist is trying to instill confidence for the fight ahead too. McCree isn’t having any of it though.

Viking: Who were you before you entered the monastery? Cultist: No one of note. Just one of thousands like me. But one moment of clarity changed everything.

New lore: Zenyatta worked at McDonalds and then one day he saw god and god asked for some chicken mcnuggies.

Viking: I find your religion unnerving, monk. Cultist: My beliefs are simply in the fundamental ways of life and nature, nothing more.

You coming out here telling me the Cultist and not just regular old Zenyatta is the one saying this, Jeff? (To be fair, I never personally witnessed the Cultist’s response to the Viking’s comment playing in-game- it’s something that seemingly only exists in datamined content.)

Viking: Single-mindedness of Dr. Junkenstein’s creations reminds me of your own! Cultist: You wound me. Viking: Is that even possible?

Cultist confirmed to have inherited regular Zenyatta’s sass. I would also like to use this space to point out that Cultist has more interactions with Shieldmaiden, Swordsman, Viking, and Wisp than Zenyatta does with Brigitte, Genji, Torbjörn , and Tracer. If you want the Zenyatta juice, you really have to look at Cultist closely.

Cultist: You blame yourself for the dragon’s reign of terror, but it is not your fault. Viking: You weren’t there, monk. You don’t know about my failure.

Squid Zenyatta is still trying to help people out. We learn through some of the Viking’s other interactions that his home village was destroyed by a dragon. This might be interesting as a clue to Torbjörn‘s real-life history, but the dragons of Junkenstein’s Revenge don’t necessarily equate to the Omnic Crisis.

Cultist: Rarely has my path crossed a warrior as cheerful as you. Viking: When you’ve seen as much as I have, either you laugh, or you go mad.

Note that any interaction between Cultist and Viking that the Viking starts is very antagonistic/accusatory, but he actually relaxes when Cultist does not reply in turn. There’s a paternalistic vibe.

Wisp: I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sleep! Cultist: Meditation is all I require to sustain myself.

Fun fact!: a small number of Buddhist monks practiced extreme forms of asceticism where they reduced food and water intake to a stopping point, had their apprentices bury them alive in a box filled with charcoal or salt, and meditated until their deaths. This act of self-mummification was thought to allow the monk to remain in eternal spiritual contemplation.

Wisp: Would you tell me more about your religion? Cultist: Our purpose is to show everyone that in the Iris, we are all one people.

Another interaction that honestly would not seem out of place in the normal game, except that Tracer presumably knows about or even practices the Shambali religion already, given her attendance at Mondatta’s speech. At the very least she empathizes with the Shambali’s goals.

Cultist: When I gazed into the Iris, I found a great nothingness. It changed me. You must have experienced the same. Wisp: That is not what I saw!

At last, a properly creepy Cultist interaction! So through some other conversations we learn that Wisp was a traveler torn from her body by a magical catastrophe, and she now inhabits the world as a ghostly wraith. Cultist interprets this to mean she passed through the Iris, and that the nothingness there is responsible for her transformation (just as it was for his? I wonder what he looked like before).

The “nothingness” he talks about may actually be less sinister than it sounds. There is the aspect that comes from Cthulhu stories, the idea of death as an infinite void, and the madness that may result from gazing too long into an abyss. Yes, that is terrifying.

But there is a nearby word, “emptiness”, that has a great deal of meaning in the various schools of Buddhism. The basic idea is that no being or thing in the universe possesses an intrinsic nature, that nothing stands alone but rather is woven together with all other things (does this sound familiar yet?). The Sanskrit word for this concept is sunyata.

So yeah, maybe Cultist isn’t so bad. Maybe he’s just a little misunderstood.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: Christmas Special Villains

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

Much like I did for Halloween, I wanted to do a bunch of one-shot or at the very least minor Christmas villains, which presented me with an interesting problem – most Christmas specials don’t really have villains. Usually the main obstacle to overcome in any holiday special is some sort of emotional fault of the main character, a lack of belief in the spirit of the holiday, or something to that effect, and when there is an actual villain, it tends to just be ones from the show at large with a Christmas-related scheme. Like I’m not doing Princess Morbucks or the Kanker sisters for this.

Luckily, There were a few I was sure on, and I managed to scrounge up a few more to deliver five lovingly-wrapped holiday villains. We have:

Mrs. Claus from The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy

Ghost Writer from Danny Phantom

Robot Santa from Futurama

Edna Jucation and the Faculty Four from Codename: Kids Next Door

The Woodland Critters from South Park

Here’s the most interesting thing: Despite Christmas stories tending to lean more towards internal conflict and self-reflection, when they do have actual, tangible threats like these, they tend to be honestly and genuinely great. This is in stark contrast to A lot of the villains from the Halloween specials, who tended to just be big scary baddies without much oomph to them.

Actor: Mrs. Claus is portrayed by Carol Kane, an incredibly prolific actress who you may know best as Valerie, the wife of Miracle Max from The Princess Bride. And much like in that film, she manages to be as enjoyable and funny as the guy playing her husband, which is a tall order indeed – in that film it was Billy Crystal, and in the special it’s Gilbert Gottfried.

Ghost Writer is portrayed by Will Arnett of all people. This was post-Gob Bluth but pre-Batman and BoJack, so while not unknown by any stretch it’s definitely weird to go back and see him in a Butch Hartman action cartoon of all places. He does a great job, as to be expected; when has he ever done poorly?

In his first appearance, Robot Santa was voiced by none other than John Goodman. Normally I’d say Goodman would be perfect for the role of Santa, but… this one’s a maniacal robotic serial killer. It’s a wonderfully jarring juxtaposition. After that, John DiMaggio gave Robot Santa a voice for his other appearances, and he does a good job for sure. Obviously he’s no John Goodman, but really, who is?

Edna Jucation is voiced by Candi Milo, and the Faculty Four are played by Dee Bradley Baker and Darran Norris; Baker is the Unintelligible Tutor and Thesaurus Rex, while Norris is Mr. Physically Fitastic and the Human Text. These are all top-tier veteran voice actors, and they do a fine job, but I can’t particularly say they really make any of these characters stand out or be memorable, which is a shame.

As to be expected, the Woodland Critters are voiced by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Big shock there. Even less shocking is that they are perfectly funny as these depraved animals.

Motivation/Goals: Out of all of these, I think it’s really fitting that Mrs. Claus is the one with the best motivation. As the HEAD head vampire in the North Pole, she has turned Santa into a vampire and put a halt on Christmas because she is overworked and exhausted, having to do all the household chores all year while Santa only works one night. It is absolutely, perfectly understandable that she snapped… but apparently this isn’t even the first time, as Santa mentions at the end this has happened on multiple prior occasions. You think he’d treat her better after the second or third time, but then we wouldn’t have a plot.

I’d say that Ghost Writer and the Woodland Critters are tied for the next spot; both of them have solid reasons for doing what they’re doing. Ghost Writer was just a humble author trying to finish a Christmas story in time for Christmas, but unfortunately this caught the eye of the extremely Scroogey Danny Phantom, who absolutely hates Christmas due to traumatic events caused by his family fighting on Christmas in the past. Danny, in a moment of incredible callousness, blasts the poor ghost’s manuscript to bits and then proceeds to rub it in, which drives GW to breaking the annual truce and using his powers to torment Danny by trapping him in a Christmas story where he and everyone else can only speak in rhyme. It’s honestly hard to feel sympathy for Danny here, but GW does take it a bit too far.

The Woodland Critters, on the other hand, are just utterly depraved… but that’s to be expected seeing as they are the creations of Eric Cartman, inhabiting a Christmas story whose sole reason for existing is to make Kyle look like a tool. In the story, they get Kyle knocked up with the Antichrist. You see, there master is Satan, and they want nothing more than for his spawn to be born into the world. They really just exist as a reason for Cartman to rip on Kyle for being a Jew at Christmastime, as Kyle himself points out in their debut episode.

Edna and the Faculty Four are a bit simple and amusing, as is befitting of a gimmicky villain from The world of the KND. They team up with the Delightful Children because Substitute Teacher’s Day is virtually unknown compared to Christmas, the kind of absurd, wacky reason for villainy you’d expect from a world where some of the most feared supervillains include an evil dentist and a vampire who spanks people. Robot Santa is likewise extremely simple, yet effective: every Christmas he flies down to Earth to punish the naughty – which is everyone except Zoidberg. This is due to a programming oversight that left his standards set way too high, so no one can ever measure up. Except Zoidberg. There’s really not much more to him than that, but really, does their need to be?

Final Fate: Mrs. Claus is redeemed at the end of the special thanks to Billy, who helps her understand the true meaning of Christmas and who heals her husband so that he can apologize. Things seem like they might work out for real this time because now Malcolm McDowell’s vampire is around to help with tidying up, so hooray! Happy ending here!

Ghost Writer gets thwarted because Danny picks up an orange; as Ghost Writer never watched Drake & Josh and thus didn’t realize that “door hinge” is an acceptable rhyme, he was unable to continue writing his story and got beat up by Danny and his rogues gallery and then thrown into Walker’s prison for breaking the yearly truce in the Ghost Zone. At least he got to complete his book?

The Woodland Critters go out when Santa comes in and blasts them away with a shotgun… but since they are technically fictional characters, they show up in Imaginationland to cause problems. Still, it’s reassuring to know they can be taken out with simple firearms.

Edna Jucation, the Faculty Four, and Robot Santa really don’t have any canonical final fate; they just get defeated and then go on their merry way. In Robot Santa’s case, he actually showed up quite a few more times after his initial appearance to wreak havoc, but the Faculty Four and Edna were entirely oneshot antagonists.

Final Thoughts & Score: Christmas honestly fares a lot better than Halloween does as far as I can see. The villains tend to be a lot more thematic, or at the very least they have more personality and thematic function. Halloween doesn’t really have any sort of core themes to work off of as opposed to Christmas, which has a lot of reoccurring themes in works based around it. Still, most of these characters just settle on being funny.

Mrs. Claus and the Woodland Critters are the best of the bunch here, and both earn themselves a spot on the Nice List with a 9/10 each. Mrs. Claus is just a lot of fun, mostly because of the fact she has legitimate grievances on top of being a unique twist on the character. Mrs. Claus as a vampire overlord who commands hordes of vampire elves? That’s the sort of creative wackiness that Billy & Mandy delivered on. The Woodland Critters are just funny, plain and simple, acting as the sort of amusing subversion that could be expected of from South Park in its glory days as well as being totally in line with Cartman’s personality. These are the exact sort of original characters I’d expect from a guy who ground up a kid’s parents and made them into chili, what with their blood orgies and ultraviolence. Amusingly enough, they score a point higher than Cartman did in his own Psycho Analysis, which is mostly due to their limited appearances meaning that they stay remarkably consistent, where Cartman tends to be whatever an episode needs to be, be that hero, anti-hero, or villain.

Next up are Ghost Writer and Robot Santa, who both get 7/10. Ghost Writer is a very amusing oneshot, but it’s honestly weird that out of all the Villains from Danny Phantom, he’s the first one I talked about. You’d think it would be Ember or Vlad or something… at any rate, he’s an amusing antagonist, but he’s also one who it’s hard not to view as being in the right, especially since Danny was just a jerk to him completely unprovoked due to his own personal hangups with the holidays. As usual with fun ideas on the show though he was only ever used once, which is a real shame but at the same time understandable; his gimmick really only works with Christmas, so it would have been weird shoehorning him into another episode’s plot. For what he is, he’s fun.

Robot Santa has a similar problem, not really being able to function outside of Christmas specials, but his few appearances leave him as an amusing antagonist who never really overstays his welcome. He’s not as entertaining or engaging as, say, Mom, but he definitely offers some laughs with his hilarious concept and his ridiculous levels of bloodlust. Points t him for helping out the heroes in the first Futurama movie too.

That just leaves us with Edna and the Faculty Four, and the Faculty Four just manage to scrape onto the bottom of the Nice List with a collective 5/10. They don’t really have much character or personality, especially when compared to the heroic Marvel pastiche that is Elfa Strike, but as brief amusing gag villains meant to pay loving tribute to the Fantastic Four, I think they’re decent. Edna is not so lucky; she’s a bit obnoxious, shrill, and doesn’t really correlate to any sort of Marvel character, which is baffling since the entire episode is one big love letter to Marvel comics. Sad to say, but she’s landing smack dab on the Naughty List with a 2/10. She doesn’t even have a cool gimmick!

I suppose that wraps it up for Christmas special villains. Doing something like this is tough, because it really makes you sit back and wonder what sort of Christmas villains you should put on. Obviously I avoided any theatrical film villains, but that did leave one particularly glaring omission of a villain from a holiday special… a big, green, unpleasant omission. He’s a mean one, for sure...

[kellanved-ammanas]

Christmas Party

Scout was pleased to learn that Christmas was much more of a universal holiday; everyone on the team was familiar with it. Meaning operation Christmas party and gift exchange was ago.

Just like with Halloween, Scout volunteered to be in charge of the party. Back home, he never would’ve dreamed of taking on such a role, but here he was really the only one suited for it as well as the only one who wanted a party bad enough to put up with being the one to organize it. Everything his mother had taught him about throwing a good party was finally being put to good use.

He ran into his first problem when upon going to town to get decorations, he learned that the lizard-aliens did not celebrate any winter holiday – could it still be called that when it wasn’t really winter here? They didn’t even seem to have a season that could be classified as winter – and thus did not sell decorations for such. There were also no pine trees anywhere to serve as Christmas trees. None of which was actually surprising when given any real thought.

“All right,” he said as he turned to Pyro and Engie, the two people who’d volunteered to help him with decorations – Demo and Spy had come to town with them too but Demo had gone off to drink and Spy had vanished shortly after they’d arrived to do who knows what. “We’ll have to improvise on the decorations and find something else to be the Christmas tree. I know a little origami so I could probably make some swan ornaments and if we can get some stuff, like cardboard or something similar shaped the right way, we could paint them to look ornaments and other Christmassy things. But you guys got any ideas?”

“I could probably make a few strings of lights,” Engie offered. “All I’d really need is some coloured glass for the bulbs, everything else I probably got at my workshop on the ship.”

“We could make a fake tree out of metal,” Pyro offered next. “Or we could just use one of the plants around here and then burn it when we’re done.”

“Hmm, let’s go with the first thing,” Scout replied. The only plants of substantial size he’d seen on this planet so far were the purple ones and not only were they ugly he didn’t trust them after Medic and Pyro’s experiment with burning them even if that was a long while a go now. “So, I guess let’s just get some basic art supplies and then maybe some red and green cloth that we can cut up and hang like tinsel kind of like we did for Halloween.”

“Sounds good,” Engie said as Pyro gave a thumbs up in agreement.

 -

With the three of them working together, it wasn’t long before they had everything. Pyro helped making ornaments out of paper and cardboard, Scout had taught him how to make origami swans – the only thing he remembered how to make. So they had a quite a few paper swans painted in Christmas colours and themes to hang up on the tree alongside the pieces of cardboard cut and painted to resemble bulb ornaments. The tree itself was made of pieces of straight narrow scrap metal wielded together and spray painted green with a metal star on top, spray painted gold. As a whole it looked pretty odd but still very much like a Christmas tree especially with how well Engie’s special made string of multi-coloured lights turned out.

The rest of the decorations were slightly less good. The ‘tinsel’ barely resembled such. And the papier-mâché wreath Scout had made looked more like a bumpy green doughnut with red and yellow poke dots than a wreath. But whatever, they were limited in what they could do and they’d done their best. The decorations weren’t the most important thing anyway, the gifts and party itself was.

Which was where Scout’s second problem came from; what gifts was he going to get for everyone. He considered them all his friends – even Medic despite their rocky start and Scout’s continued distrust of him in anything involving medical stuff and Spy despite Spy’s standoffishness towards him, less than it had ever been but still there, – so he had to get them all something. And… he wanted to get Sniper something special because… yeah.

He nabbed the team car for a solo trip to town to visit the shopping center in town. Half of it was outside in the desert sand with stalls and lizard-aliens loudly hawking their wares to passersby, not too dissimilar to outdoor shopping centers he was familiar with from back home. The other half was underground though in what seemed to be a cave carved out of the same stone that the buildings were all made out of. It sort of reminded Scout of a mall – though much more cramped and smelling very much of alien reptiles – with how it looped back around on itself. There was even a food court that Scout didn’t dare eat anything at.

Scout hadn’t spent much time here before despite how long they’d been on this planet so he got lost more than once as he wondered around looking for gift ideas. There were some gifts that were obvious, a bottle of nice rum – the alien equivalent of such as far as Scout could tell – for Demo, a fancy lighter for Pyro, a little robot toy for Engie. Upon finding a shop that sold glitter – it was apparently a universe wide phenomenon, infecting everyone everywhere – he got the stuff to make two glitter bombs, one for Spy and one for Medic because honestly, they deserved it. He’d get them something real too though, he wasn’t that much of a jerk. He might’ve gotten the supplies to make one for Pyro too but a) he might’ve enjoyed being showered in glitter, destroying the purpose of the prank and b) on the off chance he didn’t, he wasn’t the kind of person Scout wanted to make angry.

Haggling was expected but difficult because Scout’s grasp of their sign language wasn’t the best and some of them didn’t even know it. Sometimes he had to resort to communicating via pointing, gesturing, and using fingers to count out an offered price. It was a lot of work and exhausting but he somehow managed despite everything. And in the process his grasp of the language got a bit better so win, win.

He saved getting Sniper’s gift for last. It was the most important and therefore the hardest. Should he get a gift that made his crush on Sniper clear and thus use it to finally make a proper move on him? But… should he ever even make a proper move? They were coworkers, weren’t there rules about dating coworkers? And… Sniper probably didn’t even like him back, did he? Making a move might ruin everything Scout had slowly built with him and make everything awkward. So maybe Scout wasn’t ready to give that kind of gift and risk that. But it still had to be a good gift. What though?

The thing Sniper liked the best was his job: sniping. But Scout had gotten him to discuss other interests a few times. Animals was one but not an option as a gift because pets as gifts wasn’t a great idea even if they were alien pets. Camping was another but Scout didn’t know the first thing about camping so what would he even get Sniper for that? That didn’t leave him with many options.

Maybe a stuffed animal would do? But would that be too flirty? … And so far, if any store or stall sold stuffed animals, Scout hadn’t seen it and he’d been around the whole shopping center, underground and above ground, at least twice now. And he didn’t really have time to look specifically for that, he had to get back to base soon, he’d already been gone for almost three hours now. Meaning he had to settle for something soon.

With a grimace, he picked up his walking pace. He had to find something good soon, he just had to.

 -

A bit more than an hour later, he finally returned to base. Spy appeared before him as he stepped out of the car.

“Where’d you go?” he asked as if it were any of his business.

“Christmas shopping,” Scout answered as he slammed the car door shut. He pulled all his shopping bags close to make sure Spy couldn’t peek into them without making his intent to do so obvious. “I got you something too, don’t worry.”

“Oh.” Spy’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “What is it?”

Scout couldn’t help a mischievous smile coming to his face. “You’ll have to wait and see. And don’t you dare sneak into my room to try peek before Christmas.” If anyone would do that, it’d be Spy. “I’m going wrap them right away and I’m going to boobytrap the hiding spot so don’t even try it.”

“I wasn’t going to,” Spy said, speaking just a bit too fast; he’d for sure been thinking about it. “I don’t care anyway.” He made a dismissive hand gesture towards Scout before vanishing.

 -

The big day was finally here and Scout couldn’t be more excited. Especially since, Christmas was so much of a recognized holiday that the Administrator gave them a whole two weeks off for it. Miss Pauling even showed up for the party, meaning Scout’s party was basically already as success.

There was food and drink on one table. Most of the ‘food’ was sweets: cupcakes, a whole cheesecake, and lots of gingerbread in the form of gingerbread men as well as a lopsided house, all of which was made by Heavy and Pyro. Unfortunately, they’d run out of normal alcohol, leaving them with only the alien stuff meaning Scout had to stick to plain old water from the ship’s purification system like some kind of boring nerd. He could’ve let Demo bring a jug of his homebrewed moonshine too but… he’d tried it once and it was nasty. So by the end of the night he was probably going to be the only one sober other than Pyro and probably Spy – Spy seemed to avoid the alien alcohol too for some reason. Which meant he should probably hand out the gifts he’d got for everyone before the party dragged on too long.

He went to Demo and Soldier, drinking playing cards together first.

“Oh,” Demo said as Scout handed him his gift and then Solider his. “Laddie, you didn’t have to. Most people in our line of work will throw a party but… not always do the gift thing.”

“I know,” Scout replied. “I ain’t that kind guy though. I love Christmas and you guys put me in charge of this whole party so… I had to. I don’t except anything in return though, don’t worry.” He’d just wanted to get his new friends stuff.

“Don’t complain maggot,” Soldier said. “Just say ‘thank you’ and open your gift.” He was already following that advice, pulling the small pet sweater that would hopefully fit Lt. Bites out of the box. He gasped at the sight of it. “Is this what I think it is?” he asked, looking back up at Scout.

“Uh… depends on what you think it is. But I thought you might like to put it on your raccoon.” Everyone had long since given up trying to convince Soldier that Lt. Bites wasn’t a raccoon.

“I will go put it on her immediately.” Soldier stood up and rushed out of the room. He’d probably return with her on his shoulder soon which wasn’t great, she still liked to hiss at people who weren’t Soldier. But whatever, she rarely bit anyone anymore despite her name so it would probably be fine.”

“Oh wow,” Demo said, drawing Scout’s gaze back to him. He’d too opened his gift and pulled out the bottle, undisguised joy on his face. “This is the good stuff, for this planet anyway, thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” So far everything was turning out fantastic.

Next, he went to Pauling and Heavy, chatting in a corner while enjoying some gingerbread and alcohol. Just like Demo, they were both a bit surprised to be receiving a gift from him. But…

“Is very nice, thank you,” Heavy said upon pulling out the set of kitchen knives Scout had gotten for him because he was the person on the team who cooked the most.

For Pauling he’d gotten a toy space ship because he really did not know what else to get her. He didn’t know her as well as he knew everyone else on the team due to how busy she was always was. She seemed pleased with it though, smiling as she pulled it out of its little box. “Thank you.”

After chatting with them for a bit longer, he moved onto to Spy – he couldn’t hold back his anticipation for the glitter bomb much longer – and Engie. Everyone seemed to be hanging out in pairs right now which was just fine with him, it made the whole gift giving thing a tad easier.

“Hey guys,” he said as he sidled up to them, making sure to be closer to Engie than Spy. “Merry Christmas!” He pulled out the gifts labelled for them and handed them over.

“Uh… wasn’t expecting it but thanks,” Engie said.

“Yes, I suppose a thanks is in order,” Spy said before going straight to unwrapping his. Wrapping paper gone, it was time to lift the lid and… boom, the glitter bomb went off, spraying glitter everywhere, especially on Spy.

It was hilarious. The glare he turned on Scout once it was over made it impossible not to laugh. Even Engie chuckled.

“I shouldn’t be surprised,” Spy said, voice dripping with venom.

Scout rained in his laughter enough to answer. “There’s a real gift in there too, under all the glitter.”

Still glaring daggers at Scout, Spy upended the box into his hand. “A knife,” he said once enough of the remaining glitter fell away to reveal it. “Great. … You have any idea how hard this stuff is to clean up?”

“Well uh…”

“I need a shower,” Spy interrupted before vanishing. But, the glitter was still visible, clinging to him and making him not very invisible at all. It was just too good; another burst of laughter bubbled up in Scout.

“He kept the knife with him though,” Engie said once Spy was gone. “So at least he likes that part of the gift… I think. That maybe wasn’t a great idea though, he’s going to mad now.”

“Whatever.” Scout wasn’t worried about that “It’s his own fault for being a jerk. But like, open your gift now, it doesn’t have any glitter in it because I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Engie grunted in response as he finished unwrapping his present. “Ah cute,” he said in response to the little robot. “Thanks.”

“You’re very welcome,” Scout replied before turning to face everyone else as they gathered to investigate the commotion. Pyro went straight to playing in the glitter on the floor, crouching down to run his gloved hand through it. Yep, not getting him a glitter bomb had been a good idea.

“Did you really have to set off a glitter bomb in here?” Pauling asked, giving him a slight frown.

“I’ll clean it up, I promise.” Scout would never dream of doing otherwise. Glitter bombs being a favourite prank of his and his bros, he had a good amount of experience in cleaning up the after math of them on a variety of different surfaces.

But while everyone else was gathered here, he reached into his bag to pull out Pyro and Medic’s gifts. He quickly handed them to their recipients before retreating. While he trusted Spy not to hurt him for the prank – as harsh as his words could be sometimes, he’d never once actually done anything to Scout – he wasn’t so sure about Medic and he didn’t want to risk anything. Under the glitter bomb in Medic’s gift was a bag of treats for his dragons but that probably wouldn’t earn him much forgiveness so it was best to get out and hide for it a bit.

On his way, he hooked an arm through Sniper’s – he’d been on the fringe of the group – pulling him with him. Sniper just sort of let him, not saying anything even when they exited the room and Scout brought him outside and around back instead.

“Let me guess,” Sniper said when Scout finally pulled them to a stop when they were behind the building. “You put a glitter bomb in Medic’s gift too and you’re afraid of him so you ran away before he could open it?”

“Bingo,” Scout replied. “But it’s not that I’m afraid,” it kind of was though but that made him sound weak, “it’s more, I don’t want to give him a possible reason to try to dissect me again.”

Sniper raised an eyebrow. “’Again’?”

“Eh, it’s a long story, don’t worry about it.” Scout didn’t want to talk about it and that was a while ago now so who would even believe him? Especially since the scars were mostly faded. “Anyway, I brought you out here with me because I still need give you your gift.” And because he wanted some alone time with him but he couldn’t admit to that.

He reached into his bag one last time to pull out the final gift and handed it to Sniper. Who accepted after a second or two of staring it uncomfortably with a slight grimace.

“I uh… didn’t get you anything,” he said.

“It’s fine,” Scout assured him. “I didn’t expect anyone would. I just did it because I wanted to. Open it though, I need to know if you like it. And uh I promise it’s not glitter.”

“That uh… kinda makes me worry that it might be glitter. But…” He trailed off with a shrug before removing the wrapping paper. He as bit more cautious with lifting giftbox’s lid, holding a bit far away from his body. When it became obvious that nothing bad was going to happen though, he pulled it close again to look inside and pull out the gift.

“Oh,” he said, holding it up to the light. “It’s nice.”

“You really think so?” Scout had looked and looked for something good before coming upon that badass tooth necklace. He had no idea what animal the teeth came from, only that they were large, pointed, and looked cool. Conjuring up an image of Sniper wearing it wasn’t hard either, it fit his general aesthetic.

“Yeah,” Sniper said. “I always wanted a shark tooth necklace. Though I suppose these ain’t from a shark, not the right shape and on an alien planet.” He briefly removed his hat to slip it on over his head. “Thanks though, I like it.”

“Awesome.” Scout almost had to hold back a sigh of relief. He’d been more nervous about this than he’d thought. But it had gone well, heck everything had gone well. And as a cherry on top, to avoid Medic’s wrath for a bit, he could get away with spending an hour or two alone with Sniper out here before going back inside to enjoy the rest of the party.

[loopy777]

whats your thoughts on Venom, the green goblin and doctor octopus, the three characters who are generally held up as spidermans archenemies? which one do you think has the best potential as spidermans definite enemy if they were written perfectly, and which series do you think had the best portrayal of each of them respectively?

If I had to crown THE Spider-Man Archnemesis, I would have to give it to Green Goblin. Doc Ock is the oldest, and the first to both defeat Spider-Man and make him consider quitting, but ultimately Norman has taken more from Spidey, gotten more personal in their conflict, and created more of a legacy for the mythos. Sorry, Otto.

That said, I don’t really like designating a single archnemesis for Spidey because Norman hasn’t completely dominated the field. Ock runs the Sinister Six, Spidey’s big Villain Team and one of the best Villain Teams in all of superhero comics. (And let’s face it, the Legion of Doom is bigger only because DC characters got more media exposure for a long time and Superman’s villains are so good that Lex Luthor, Brainiac, and Bizarro lift up the likes of Solomon Grundy and Cheetah when they’re all on a team together.) Venom has the whole Evil Knockoff thing going and a unique and terrifying ‘stalker’ gimmick that puts him in a special class, not to mention how he directly overpowers or counters all Spidey’s abilities.

And, honestly, the whole ‘Goblin’ gimmick is kind of arbitrary and has nothing to do with spiders. Clowns and bats don’t have a direct relation, but at least they’re opposites in terms of color and purpose, so Batman and Joker kind of seem like twisted rivals. Goblins and spiders are only linked in that they’re both kind of Halloweeny, but Spider-Man has little to do with Halloween or spooky stuff, anyway. But I better cut this line of thought off before I start explaining how Spider-Man shouldn’t be Spider-Man at all and him being Frog-Man would make just as much sense and then we wouldn’t have to deal with pictures of icky spiders in all Spider-Man media.

But yeah, Norman Osborne is still indisputably a cut above the others.

Ock is really just a typical mad scientist with a robot-arm gimmick that allows him to directly fight with Spider-man. He’s well-written and constructed, granted, and I love how his arrogance contrasts with Peter’s humility, how they’re such opposites in terms of empathy, and how different their paths become after science-based accidents that granted them unusual powers. Bendis’s “Ultimate Spider-Man” comics nicely honed in on this theme, and I also appreciate how both Stan Lee’s prose story in the unrelated “Ultimate Spider-Man” short story collection (...it’s a title Marvel loves to reuse for some reason) and John Byrne’s attempted origin revision linked the irradiated spider to the explosion that created Ock. All great villains should be dark reflections of their heroes, but while Ock has gotten some great stories that make him a top-tier villain, he still offers little storytelling potential beyond his mad scientist archetype. Now, I know what comics-readers are thinking at this point: Yes, I did read the original “Superior Spider-Man” run and I think there’s some real potential there, but honestly I feel like it was under-served by Dan Slott’s pacing and foibles. And I haven’t seen an adaptation of it yet that I think really fulfills the possibilities. But the idea is great, so maybe Otto will get his chance to level up his rivalry with Spider-Man.

Venom’s problem is that he’s a little too focused on his revenge on Spider-Man. The stories where he stalks Spidey, wandering into Peter’s life to fold laundry with Aunt May, popping up to have a surprise tussle with Spidey just to throw him off-balance, etc- Those are great and make Venom seem super-scary, especially since Spidey can’t beat Venom in a fight without some kind of edge or gimmick. But all Venom wants is revenge on Spidey, so after he’s failed a few times to get it, what do you do with the character? He’s not scary if he keeps failing. The original idea was to have the symbiote pass on from Eddie Brock and take on other hosts, and that might have opened the door for some new kinds of stories. I know this was eventually implemented 20 years later, with the original Scorpion getting to be Venom for a while, and symbiotes becoming a whole Thing with a bunch in various colors, but I didn’t read any of those stories and they don’t seem to have left much impression on the general Spider-Man fandom. Ultimately, it was chosen to ‘redeem’ Eddie Brock and make Venom into an “anti-hero” (for a definition of the term that means “protagonist who kills people but doesn’t have to worry about that whole ‘consistently laid low by their fatal flaw’ thing”) which did sell a bunch of comics in the 90′s and set up some tension-filled team-ups with Spidey. Nice idea, if implemented in a really shaggy way, but -- again -- what do you do after that? Venom/Eddie isn’t really a compelling lead who you can keep telling stories about. (Yes, I saw the Venom movie. It has like two minutes of amusing material and two hours of boring dreck, and none of it is memorable.) And making him evil again runs into the same problem as having left him evil in the first place. Venom was a good idea whose time came and went, and perhaps someone will find a way to make him fresh again. But until then, I think he gets by more on his visuals than anything.

The Green Goblin, in contrast, has a lot going for him in terms of storytelling potential. He’s a mad scientist, a wanna-be crime boss, a dark shadow of his civilian identity looking for revenge and/or illicit thrills, and personally has that ongoing personal hatred/rivalry for Spider-Man. That offers a whole bunch of storytelling paths, all of which have been taken and proven fruitful over the years. And that’s without getting into how Norman Osborne is the father of Peter’s best friend Harry, a flawed father figure to Peter in his own right, a ruthless millionaire industrialist before Lex Luthor gave it a try, and another dark reflection of the paths Peter could have taken in both aspects of his life. Even when Norman is dead, his legacy continued to be felt for 20-odd years with how Harry fell from grace. You can even link Norman to his spin-off the Hobgoblin; just Norman’s equipment getting passed on created another enduring villain. And, again, that’s without even looking at Norman’s murder of the one-time romantic lead Gwen Stacy being the event that ended the Silver Age of comics. Norman Osborne is just plain a truly great, versatile villainous character who has managed, despite being almost 60 years old, to still maintain an “Oh, no!” impact among Spidey fans when he shows up. Sure, there have been bad stories about him, and some over-exposure at times, but that hasn’t diminished his impact or ongoing potential.

As for portrayals, I’m overall a fan of the 90′s animated series and their takes. That show really petered out after a few seasons, but it introduced Ock with a bang and got a lot of mileage out of him. Venom got to do the whole scary stalker thing, and then the show put him on a shelf until his ‘redeeming’ death to avoid over-exposure, so that worked out fairly well. And while it’s odd how Kingpin and Hobgoblin took over most of the Green Goblin’s role in Spider-Man’s stories, what we did get of Norman was good, and the performance that went into the Green Goblin really sold the weird psychology of the character. Those three villains definitely got a chance to shine in this series, even if Green Goblin was under-used.

I also think the Sam Raimi movies overall did a good job. Green Goblin was perfect- aside from the costume. Willem Dafoe utterly nailed every aspect of the character, right down to the body language, and the movie did a good job condensing his rivalry with Spider-Man into a single movie. As for Doctor Octopus, I’m of two minds about how he got a sympathetic backstory and characterization. On the one hand, it made him a more compelling character and Alfred Molina danced nicely between the human side and the villainous side. On the other hand, though, Ock has classically never really been sympathetic; he’s an utter monster in behavior, and the insertions of bullying in his backstory have never changed that. Venom is the only one I think didn’t really get a chance in these movies; I like this version of Eddie Brock (really!), but he barely got an opportunity to be Venom and you can tell no aspect of the character really inspired the storytellers.

Spectacular Spider-Man, naturally, did a good job. I think this version of Green Goblin is the best of them all; I even got my DVD set signed by Steve Blum! Ock was also done well, getting to be the Master Planner as well as leader of the Sinister Six, although I don’t think I quite buy the timidity they gave the character before the accident. Similarly, I didn’t buy Eddie’s fall from grace as Peter’s best friend; one episode he’s upset because Peter’s blowing him off for hanging out, and the next episode he’s nearly killing Mary Jane just to mess with Peter. You might as well just start with Eddie being a monster, like the Raimi movie did.

I also think Bendis’s Ultimate comics did well by all three characters. I’m not really a fan of Goblin-Hulk, but Norman’s impact was fully in effect (even if we had yet another toothless homage to Gwen Stacey’s death with Mary Jane getting thrown off a bridge and surviving), and they fit him well into the Super-Soldier Arms Race aspect of the setting. Ock got some really great use, including an arc of character development and ‘redemption’ that still managed to allow him to be an arrogant monster to the end. Venom was under-used, but this might be the best ever interpretation of Eddie Brock and obviously inspired the Raimi version, and I love the origin of the symbiote here and how it tied to Peter’s father. My only complaint is that after that first great story, Bendis didn’t seem to quite know what to do with Venom; the video game and its comic adaptation seemed to be setting him up for more, but that didn’t come to anything.

So, those are my thoughts. As a Spider-Man fan, I think I’m spoiled for choice in picking an achnemesis. Despite the little flaws that keep Ock and Venom from topping the Green Goblin, they’re still heavy-hitters as comic book villains and could run the game in the rogues gallery of most other superheroes. But Spidey has one of the best sets of villains in the business, so that’s not surprising.

[monkey-network]

Everything Wrong With: Into The Spiderverse [Done Right]

Cinema Sins dropped the fucking ball with that take, so I decided to do it better in honor of this movie releasing on Netflix. All sins will end with a (+), all sin removals will end with a (-). 3, 2, 1, PENGU!

Logos aside, got to sin for that single tone in the music getting uncomfortably louder to me during them. (+)

Nice try, jokes on narration is still narration (+)

Bonus petty sin for not casting Tobey (+)

I love ya, movie, but you just had to crack wise at the best thing to come out of Spiderman 3 (+)

Petty sin for ringing me flashbacks of my childhood. Sure it wasn’t a spidey popsicle, but it hurt just the same (+)

Wow Spidey, way to downplay the other heroes in New York (+)

Sin for making me think Post Malone is a good musician. Good meaning producing more than 1 good song. (+)

Sin off for giving me that pure melanin that is Miles’ family. (-) 

Assuming this is all the same morning, how long did it take Miles to get ready? Jefferson was only in a tee at the house yet was conveniently able to catch Miles on the street, fully suited, in the car. (+)

There are police in this movie. (+)

Jameson can’t be around for this one. smh (+)

I’m with Miles. Dad was being pretty petty right there. (+)

Petty sin for making me look at calculus, and I know that’s calc. (+)

Miles shouldn’t be needing all them books. I’m not even there and this school already feels like torture. (+)

Sin off for that smooth Einstein quote (-)

Come on, Miles, you tried too hard to fail. (+)

Seriously, NO student should be having that many books regardless of the schedule. This private school is worse than college. (+)

Okay, three sins off for playing Biggie Smalls (-)(-)(-)

Tho I gotta sin back for censorsing the vocals.(+)

Miles doesn’t at all feel the spider crawl up his body. Even I could feel a bug on my sleeves. (+)

Yet again, radioactive spider bite doesn’t immediately kill ‘em. (+)

A sin not to the movie, but to Marvel for essentially undercutting Miles’ roomie to make way for Homecoming essentially taking that for themselves. I haven’t forgotten. (+)

Sin off for Miles and (G)wanda’s adorkable moment (-)

Says his plan is terrible and throws him over thinking that’ll work (+)

Snitches (+)

Officer says open up and forgets his key to his own office? (+)

Middle schooler is still gunning after taking a steel beam to the gut (+)

What happen to the Green Goblin? He is never mentioned again after this. (+)

“You don’t have a choice“ cliche (+)

Okay, sin off for the flash drive joke (-)

Miles has a phone capable of recording that in good quality (+)

Goblin thinks that’s a good idea that won’t kill him (+)

They killed the Green Goblin. (+)

“No pressure.” (+)

Prowler has special eyewear yet couldn’t recognize Miles? (+)

Bonus sin for the cape (+)

Poor choice of music for a serious scene (+)

Stan lee cameo. Obligated sin off. (-)

Miles survives that fall (+)

Miles takes off layers in the middle of a snowy night and is not cold in the slightest. Not even a shiver in his voice. (+)

This isn’t the last time (+)

I fear what a Spidey themed restaurant is (+)

Beter gets 11 slams across the city, a tombstone to the face, face across high moving pavement, countless more face slams, and doesn’t suffer a full on concussion. I get Spider-Man’s strong but he’s not regenerative nor indestructible. (+)

“Don’t watch the mouth, watch the hands.“ The implications (+)

Beter would be better than Jeremy at CinemaSins (+)

Dude, you got sauce on the lens. (+)

Preferential, but the blurriness of the less focused backgrounds honestly hurts my eyes sometimes, like someone rubbed vaseline on everything but the focused. (+)

Two sins off for playing St. Elmo’s Fire (-)(-)

Beter being barefoot in the snow makes me wanna scream (+)

Tell that to Spiderman E-751263 with his web cape (+)

Ah, the frame that sparked the most basic meme ever (+)

Hobo peter is better Peter, Miles (+)

Two sins for the horrible sight of a desktop (+)(+)

The cellular decay and the glitching doesn’t play all that much in the stakes. The Spidermun don’t get weaker because of it nor affects their combat until the very end. It all makes sense nonetheless, but it feels like an afterthought watching again. (+)

Doc Ock? Still hot. Seven Sins off! (-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)

Doc’s arms are no match for yoga balls (+)

Gwen’s arrival is pretty convenient (+)

Scientists don’t immediately notice/react to the Spidermun barging in (+)

Shout out to the female scientist that wanted no part of it all and just wanted her drink (-)

Bagel! (-)

Microscopic scientists can’t apparently aim for shit (+)

Sin off for the hard rock (-)

Gwen was able to keep all that hair in her mask without a net (+)

Stop saying one last time. There’s gonna be sequels. (+)

“I don’t do friends“ cliche (+)

The Comic Con joke? Peak comedy. (-)

Another sin off for Miles and (G)wen adorkable moment (-)

Wait, wasn’t it snowing outside the other night? It all melted that quick? (+)

Beter gets sticky shit on the doorbell. (+)

Three sins off for Aunt May (-)(-)(-)

How come no other hero is around? Daredevil and the Defenders? Strange? Reed? Nobody else noticed that explosion and is reacting accordingly? (+)

I don’t wanna know where them wet hands have truly been. (+)

Nicholas Cage... (-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)

The B team don’t get better screentime other than a couple moments each. Benefits the story but it’s still a tad underwhelming in hindsight. (+)

Also, would’ve preferred Peni having a less kawaii design. (+)

You mean Noir had a gun? And doesn’t have it? (+)

“Punch Nazis“ (-)

Also, I’m getting Kung Fu Panda vibes now (-)

Way to put on the pressure (+)

What is this music? (+)

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN (+)

Cars continue to move even when driver should realize something’s happening to their car (+)

RIP Motorcycle (+)

Cool Sp//dr scene (-)

Also Peni wears heelys (-)

Has anybody gotten any sleep? I’m not sinning this one but it feels like nobody’s had the chance to rest since it’s been a couple days.

How was he followed? Didn’t notice a tracker or anything to hint this. Oh wait, the suit.... Goddamn it. (+)

Peni was just standing there for a bit. Get in the robot! (+)

Tombstone gets thrown out only to instantly come back in (+)

Barely anybody in the neighborhood is outside to see the action. Everyone there can’t be that smart. (+)

A bit tasteless, but it’s a bit kinda embarrassing that Prowler was outsmarted by a kid in a Spiderman halloween costume. (+)

Kingpin got out that car faster than a child support dodger (+)

Sins off for Aaron’s final words (-)(-)

You honestly think he’d be okay? (+)

This music (+)

Admittedly, tying him up in this pretty trashed room is not a good look (+)

Beter already named the lightning strike after only seeing it once (+)

“You got the spark“ cliche (+)

Sin off for the pun anyways. (-)

“Leap of Faith“ scene (-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)

Okay, now:

The re purposed quotes overplay the quiet suspense of the scene (+)

Assuming this takes place on the same night, I refuse to believe that suit was able to dry so quickly after all that paint (+)

And that Miles is able to just put on the mask without worrying about the paint fumes (+)

Miles puts on a couple layers over the suit only to take ‘em off later on. (+)

Why’d they take the bus? (+)

Only good joke from Spider-Ham and he didn’t even set it up (+)

Beter loss his beer gut overnight it seems (+)

Also that scene with MJ was pretty flat. Funny, but flat. (+)

“Last second gotcha from the villains“ cliche (+)

Convenient timing (+)

So Doc’s just okay with destroying her machine like that? (+)

Best line from Porker (-)

Welp, Doc Ock is certainly gone. Seriously, we never see her again. It’s tragic. (+)

Smashing isn’t gonna help, Fisk. Phrasing (+)

Miles is somehow able to figure out everyone’s dimensions (+)

Last sin off for Miles and Gwen adorkable moment (-)

You’d think Miles would try to reason with Kingpin so they don’t possibly die? (+)

Fisk is unnaturally agile enough to catch a flying train (+)

Well that plot thread was done in an instant (+)

Kingpin just stands there. Doesn’t finish him off when he genuinely has the chance. (+)

Jefferson survives the explosion unscathed. (+)

“One Last Time“ (+)

Miles just lets his roomie know his identity without question (+)

Drones are the true villains (+)

Couple Sins off for banging credits themes (-)(-)

Also a few for the great credits sequence (-)(-)(-)

Saw some t-posing (+)

Great quote from Stan Lee (-)

Seven sins off for great animation overall (-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)

A good End Credits scene (-)

“One Last Time“ (+)

SINS TOTAL: 102 - 79 = 23

Statement: Puberty is a cruel mistress.