#this will literally probably make no sense to people who do not live in Florida

[nico-di-genova]

The more I learn about Lance the more I’m like…that is a Florida boy. Like in spirit. Mayhaps I have passed him in a Publix.

[the-martyrfication-of-the-matron]

So the biggest reason why America's portion size is what it is is purely due to family size.

While the average amount of kids per family in the US is listed at 1.93, it is not accurate to it given how it takes into account families with no children, something that has increased exponentially in recent years. In reality, most families in the US who choose to have children AND choose to have more than one child averages out around 4 kids, with that number varying state to state..

Where you will be facing the largest portion sizes and what I have seen a lot of European people call "The reason why Americans are so fat" is in southern religous states. States where it is completely normal to have anywhere from 5 to 13+ kids because of religious purposes and a lack of sexual Healthcare and preventative options. (The reason why I was born, thanks Florida.....)

I come from a family of 5 kids, and right now, there are 3 teenagers two if whom who do athletics and one who is going through it growing wise. That requires a LOT of food per week so it requires buying in bulk. Something the stores in America are designed to do.

Also a lot of paydays happen either every other week or once a month so when payday comes, you pay you bills and immediately hit the store to buy yourself enough food to last until next paycheck. With a lot of families living below the poverty line, bulk buying is the smartest choice as well.

Even if we separate a financial aspect, sharing a large bag of chips with one friend is hard enough but sharing it with four siblings who surround you like vultures results in being left with crumbs. If my parent doesn't get the whole tub of cheese balls, I will probably only be able to get a cheese dust while my faster siblings will be full and happy. (Literally, it's a goddamn race)

Now onto restaurants, you are fully correct in us having a leftover culture, but we also have a family share culture. There are several restaurants here where you are not ordering for yourself but the entire table, which involves much larger portions. Same if you are eating a family dinner at home, you are portioned food from the collective dish.

Onto leftovers themselves, in recent times that has shifted less from families and more into poverty and work culture. A lot of families and people here can only afford to eat out as a luxury, so being able to eat leftovers the next day as a reminder is great. Also, a lot of times for work, we aren't given proper lunch breaks or provided food, so you bring leftovers that you can quickly reheat and devour to work.

The entire thing is not an "Americans are unhealthy" thing but an entire cultural thing.

I’ve never seen why people make a fuss about going to other countries and going ‘woag this is so different and weird!’

And I think there’s a big sense of entitlement when it comes to Europeans going to America because there’s this big presumption of similar culture where there really isn’t, and when you look at a multitude of things in America through a European cultural lens, it is a little bit fucked. But that’s putting it in a context it doesn’t belong in, so obviously it’s gonna be a little funky.

[amoransia]

Leviathan: "Oooooooooh"

Beelzebub and Asmodeus: (This could've been an email.)

!!!Chapter 65 spoilers below!!!

Good fucking food and good chapter as per usual. Thank you for showing me my snake wife (Satan) again. Loved every page, and I hope Fukayama-sensei is taking his time recuperating from his surgery and doesn't push himself too much.

I say this because those pages were out of this world. I love the spookiness factor they're finally adding. A lot of exorcist manga just focus on the action and completely forget they're dealing with demons (and other creatures of similar nature) so I'm glad Aruma added that in. Belphegor's pathetic poltergeists(?) are really funny, too lol.

Babacat confirmed!! Troperrific called it! I had my money on Cattan instead, lol. Regardless, this basically means she's been spying on Priest since the very beginning, so there's a high chance she'll try to talk-no-jutsu him into corruption(?) using what she knows about him. What Vergilius couldn't convince him to do, she'll probably (almost) succeed? If that's her goal, anyway...

Surprise! Chicken legs, as per her folklore of having a chicken leg-powered house. Nice to see that Aruma-sensei has some basic knowledge on her. As usual, they do look into things. Which makes me happy. I thought the chicken was kinda cute until her disemboweled headless corpse waddled in. Jesus.

Apparently, disembowelment and beheading are the punishments given to schismatics in the Ninth Bolgia in Dante's Inferno. Yeowch. Perhaps this is her punishment because she wanted to help wrongly convicted souls while not inherently being a non-believer and merely disagreeing? I don't know.

I'd also like to mention that Mikhail is probably going to gain a more prominent role when it comes to Baba Yaga. He was the first to recognize it was Baba Yaga, and I think this is because he's more familiar with Slavic folklore than the rest of the cast. After all, Mikhail is a name of Russian origin, so he's probably from around there. He probably got told stories of her as a child.

(I used to affectionately dub Mikhail "Florida man" because of his crazy antics, but he also does fit those crazy Slav dudes that post videos of themselves randomly bringing down abandoned buildings with only bricks. Anyway.)

Really hilarious that Priest can somehow tolerate the horror fuckery that happened this chapter but can't handle horror MOVIES or Japanese spirits. My MC is truly built different and I love him dearly. Someone get him a good therapist and multiple trips to a bunny café.

Just look at him go!!

Imuri's face didn't show up even once in this chapter, by the way! Probably means nothing, but it'd be curious if her reactions were obscured because she was familiar with Granny somehow. Imuri's lived quite a long while, too, after all. Wouldn't be weird if she knew some people here and there.

(Might I add that we've yet to see the mysterious Cass friend she texts... He said he hesitantly submitted a request to see her to the Church, but it's been a while since that...)

This line alone is either a red flag or a green flag, but I'm hopeful it's actually a green flag, since it goes against Satan's wishes. Maybe Baba Yaga will actually sympathize with Priest, since she's been watching over him... dunno!

Additionally, this is also something I mentioned on my Twitter, but to me, it appears that she's being set up as another parallel character to Priest:

Both are the strongest of their team

Got called "it" and "thing" by their respective benefactors

Both want(ed) to help people

Witnessed or witnessing wrongful accusations against the innocent

Priest even sympathized /explicitly/ with people who were wrongly tried for supposed witchcraft in chapter 64. Surely she must've heard him say that? I previously thought Vergilius would take on the role of the parallel, but I think Granny is a more deliberate one!

Welcome back Tachibana my beloved boss girl, in the most literal sense. She even has a big ass coat on. Is she single? We should ask Aruma-sensei. Please do a Q&A, I pinky promise to be civil.

Anyway, I'm convinced Mammon is coming back too, then, since she is extremely capable. Mammon's (first) arc was definitely rushed due to the looming danger of the axe, so I'm excited to see him being pathetic again. He's grown on me, for the wrong reasons. I think he's a big fan favorite amongst the JP sphere as well. He's the only Demon Lord that I feel truly values his human connections, so that's no surprise.

All in all, it was a perfect chapter, and I have nothing to say about the Japanese and/or translation of the chapter; I have but one single complaint:

Chapter 65

Chapter 36

THEY CLIPPED HIS FUCKING NAILS!!! NOOO!!!!!!!!!!! HIS EVIL SLY BITCH SWAG... it's GONE!!!!!!!!!! It has been STOLEN!!!!! Someone has to die for this FUUUUUUUCK

[missbrunettebarbie]

TTPD -the album proper- first thoughts

Here are some thoughts about TTPD -the album proper, cause I do not have the time or energy to analyze The Anthology (Taylor, wtf was this double drop???)- before I’m influenced by other people’s thoughts. Warning: I may be waaaay off the mark in some cases cause half the time when I was listening to these songs for the first time I was like “???”

Fortnight (feat. Post Malone) - Great melody, smart choice for an album opener, nice lyrics, no idea wtf the song is talking about. Like, I am guessing it’s about (a first?) break-up with Joe Alwyn in February -and they might have gotten back together for only a fortnight then broke up again for good?- but I’m so confused. Also, why is this the lead single? Taylor, this is not gonna win you SOTY at the grammys. 7/10

The Tortured Poets Department - This was … unexpected, to say the least. This was truly a picture of a moment in her relationship, while I expected either some kind of introspection or parody. Also the line about what he told Lucy and she said the same to Jack? Insane. Girl, you are both better off single. The ring and the wedding allusion? God, it hurt. (And it was only the beginning with this album…). Amazing song anyway. 9.5/10

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys - Girl, this is mental illness for me. Love it to bits and I kinda wish it will become a single (I think it’s my … 3rd choice for a single?), but… girl, I’m happy you two broke up. 9.5/10

Down Bad - I had low expectations from this song cause the title inspired nothing in me, but it really delivered a punch. Probably one of the most honest songs on the album proper. Oh, and her vocals here? Her tone of voice? No notes, it just … hits different *_* 8/10

So Long London - Funny enough, I did hear a leak of this! But it was like … 10 seconds from the intro and I wasn’t sure it was real. It is a very good song, and I can understand why she chose it as a track 5. But for me, when compared to other track 5s -and with a title so inflammatory- it was a bit of a let down. Still love it of course. 8.5/10

But Daddy I Love Him - This one is about Matty Healy, isn’t it? Like, it has to be, cause for the life of me I can’t see who this guy could be but Matty Healy. This song … I laughed out loud. She’s unhinged. ‘I’m having his baby’. Girl, you are unhinged. The wedding fever continues, and now we get the first glimpse of the baby fever. God, I love her. You can literally hear how done she was with everyone having an opinion about whom she dates. I need to listen to this and I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) back to back, cause this girl was so so wrong. Except that bridge. The bridge is gospel and spoke straight to my soul. 10/10

Fresh Out the Slammer - And I’m guessing this is the continuation of the track before, so still about MH. I have to say, this is really meh for me. Maybe because I was expecting something even more high tempo, but this is just … there for me. It doesn’t help that the ‘pretty baby’ annoys me. 6/10

Florida!!! - Nice to see Florence get so much singing time. Their voices mashed surprisingly well. But just like with Fortnight -and these two do seem connected- I have no idea what she is talking about here. I think it might be a composite sketch referring to both her first post break-up shows and Florida as a metaphor for escaping from your life? Idek. But the melody is great and this might be my fave collab of hers so far. 8.5/10

Guilty as Sin? - Another Matty Healy one IMO. Amazing how much material she got from such a short-lived affair. IMO she made a mistake making this track 9 and Florida!!! track 8. I would switch them around to make more sense. I’m not 100% sure this is about emotional cheating, as I think the Joever break-up wasn’t as clear cut as it was made to be, but there is something here about overlapping timelines. 9/10

Who’s Afraid Of Little Old Me? - Well, everyone should be now!!! I adore this song, it’s my fave of the album. If I have one complaint about it is that I would have put it more towards the beginning of the album instead of in the middle of the Matty Healy Saga - which makes no sense to me. Honestly, I don’t have much to say about this track cause in my eyes it’s perfect. This is the Taylor I’m here for. 10/10

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) - That last line! I laughed so hard. On one hand, I feel sorry for her. Otoh, girl, you should have run the first time you saw him. Great song to end the Matty Healy Saga on. 9/10

loml - Wow, this was a punch to the gut. Every lyric here is a masterpiece and a dagger to the heart. I would love it if she made this a single (this is SOTY material IMO), but it’s probably too emotional for her. The melody reminds me of Last Kiss, but the piano is giving Evermore. 10/10

I Can Do It With a Brokern Heart - Why is this not the lead single, Taylor??? It has everything: melody, lyrics, airplay value, SOTY potential, why?! I love every single second of this song, especially the chorus. I’m probably gonna listen to it on repeat. Second fave after WAOLOM. 10/10

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived - Every song I thought was gonna be cutting turned out to be just plain sad. IMO, this song is both about JA and MH. I don;t really have much to say about this song, as it is just .. painful. 9.5/10

The Alchemy - Yeah, I’m team This Song is About Travis. Nice song, and I like that she included something about the current relationship, but it’s not exactly a fave for me. 7.5/10

Clara Bow - This was my predicted fave, but it was def dethroned. Still, I do think this is Top 5 for me. I love the direct reference to herself at the end and the way this is both hopeful and still somewhat sad. Also really like the vocals here. 10/10

Final score: 8.87 

Not bad at all. Gonna deal with The Anthology later. Much later as I actually have a life to go back to.

[h-f-k]

what did you think of the album? Any standout tracks for you?

spoileeeeeeers and long ass raaaaaaaant

okay so... i have MANY thoughts and none of them make sense so i'll try my best

I liked the album. It's a vast improvement from midnights but it's just that, a small upgrade. Production wise i feel like Aaron borderline saved the album from being another midnights, ttpd suffers from what i call 3AM Bonus Tracks Syndrome which is that: Aaron providing a breath of fresh air which was incredibly needed after having jack produced 99% of midnights. I love jack and i love his solo stuff but for me the formula swift-antonoff doesn't work as well as it used to and if it does it gives one great song and the rest are just there.

There were three or four songs that really stood out for me. Florida!!! doesn't make any fucking sense to me (i literally had to ask in the gc what the song meant bc i was like huh????) but the production is extremely cool, THE DRUMS????!!!!! GIVE ME REAL INSTRUMENTS!!!!!! I really liked it, it grew on me and now it's one of my faves. So long london is another gem and i remember really liking down bad upon first listen. The smallest man who ever lived is also a song i like. But the rest is just there, my only thoughts while listening to them were "oh... this is cool. i can't wait to never hear it ever again".

Lyric wise... oh boy. Now i don't like to pretend i'm a poet (i'm looking at you taylor) or that i'm extremely well versed with words or that i have an literature degree because i don't, metaphors sometimes are hard for me to understand/grasp and i relegate that to the people who know best bUT the lyrics are all over the place. Again, an improvement from midnights but they still felt clunky and very surface level. Some of them had great concepts but terrible execution and some of them straight up suck. My main issue was that the album felt super repetitive. When i first started listening i really felt bad for taylor, it was painful even but then... the same concept and words kept popping up and it's just more of the same. like i get it, she's sad, she's depressed and i'm not expecting her to write about other stuff if the main subject of the album is being heartbroken or shit. when i started listening to the album i was like 'oh, that's sad, i feel for her' but halfway through it i was like girl if you don't shut up and stop trying to feel sorry for yourself... like there's a moment where the constant repetition of the same thing makes me roll my eyes, especially because she doesn't know how to express it in a different way. it's all pretty much straight forward "we were gonna get married" "you were the love of my life" like i know you can communicate these concepts, these words in a different way!!! why are you repeating yourself so much!!! if you remove some of the songs it makes no difference, it still gets the point across.

as a whole this is probably her messiest album, because nothing, and i say NOTHING makes sense when you put it all together. i know she's not known for making concept albums or for being a visual person, but this album feels incredibly disjointed, it doesn't feel like an album, it doesn't feel like a body of art that was well thought out. the most satisfying part about an album cycle is when you connect all the pieces like the photoshoot, the music videos (sometimes, not all the time), the art direction and overall aesthetic you create for the mkt campaign the pop up shops etc etc, the music, the lyrics, the general concept/theme of the songs and it all makes sense. it's an eureka moment, it's a moment where EVERYTHING makes sense to you, it answers every question you had, why the physical cd is blue, why the booklet uses helvetica instead of times new roman, why the color palette is dark, etc etc. tortured poets department doesn't do any of that, in fact it confused me MORE because with the album art she said one thing, in the lyrics she said another thing and with the promo videos we've seen she said another thing and it'll probably happen the same with the music videos. Which is fine i guess she can do whatever she wants but to me it feels like there wasn't a clear vision, i think it was a bit clearer than midnights but not by much.

overall it's an ok album. i'm pissed because i know she has the potential to do more, ESPECIALLY this being her 11th studio album and the insane amount of resources she has at the palm of her hand. i'm not asking her to create a new music genre, to come up with a screamo album, because that's simply not what she wants to do which i respect but it's so frustrating to see her have all this success and "power" and do absolutely nothing with it, like just call at least ONE more person that isn't from your inner circle to produce your music, at least do that!!! and this is why her last albums felt so repetitive.

idk i was hoping that this album would make me fall in love with her music again but idk, i'm drifting away more and more which sucks but i really can't help it. i might save the songs i like to my spotify and that's it.

[goodtweetbadtweet]

4, 9, 17, & 25 for the writer ask 🫶🏻

Aww thanks for asking babe 💜

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

Out of context I don’t think there is such a word. But nestled nicely between other words in a lovely smutty passage? I really love the word ache. And brutal. I love the word brutal.

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

No. But I haven’t experienced significant deaths yet, so I reserve the right to change my mind.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

I’m honestly not that big of a planner, so idk really, but .. re: love at first bite, I guess I can just vomit some of my thoughts here. Like I am trying to include a lot of typical romcom tropes, idk the names and I’m too lazy to look them up but just

-relationship based on lies & pretending to be somebody you’re not

-lies unveiled and then falling for ‘the real him’

-the guy who ‘fucks randos with headphones on’ (according to Greg anyway) meeting ‘the one’ and being fundamentally changed by love

-rich man falling for poor woman

-manic pixie dream girl -ish

-huge romantic gestures, I particularly love the idea of an airport declaration of love or running after your love in the rain but I’m not sure how that’ll play out yet

And I’m just trying to make them my own and make them .. a little more real, a little less sappy and cliche but ultimately it’s a love letter to cliches and I want that to show. A few other things I can mention just for fun:

-Gia’s sister Francesca, affectionately Franny, was born in France so their unimaginative parents literally gave her an Italian name that means ‘the Frenchman’ or ‘from France.’ People call her Francesca a lot, mostly in the sense of ‘when your mom calls you by your full name, you’re in trouble’

-Gia was named after a relative, possibly a great-grandmother. I named her after the Angelina Jolie movie Gia (1998) about the sad life of supermodel Gia Carangi. I saw the movie once sometime in the early 2000’s and never again, but the name stuck with me and shortly after that I saw Girl, Interrupted (1999) and for some time as a very young girl I was fascinated by Angelina Jolie and these tragic women she played. But that’s irrelevant.

-I don’t want to include a sex scene because it’s a romcom and an explicit sex scene would be very out of place, but also I can’t write anything without a sex scene. There’s definitely going to be a ‘fade to black’ moment and I’m probably going to release the scene as an extra tidbit because I’ll be writing it anyway.

(I hope nobody wanted a cohesive answer from me.)

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

Avery Taylor’s mother is very much alive. She lives in Florida and works as a pageant coach for teenage girls ages 13-19. She hasn’t seen Avery since Avery was five and they both prefer that, but for very different reasons. When the Jimenez scandal broke, she learned what became of her daughter and wondered what would’ve happened if she never left. This was the second time she wondered that; the first time was when she found out about Avery’s father’s suicide, People tell her she looks ‘like an older version of that girl on tv.’

[sekhithefops]

The World is Run by Jerry Smiths

So, its a popular idea that there's a shadowy cabal of rulers running the world. The Illuminati, the Deep State, the Lizard People, what have you.

Personally, I have my own theory on this one.

They're not shadowy or secret.

They really don't run the world in any sense but running it into the ground.

They're all basically Jerry Smith from Rick & Morty.

Now hear me out.

In Rick & Morty, Jerry Smith is Morty's father. He is an insecure little tit who is forever trying and failing to prove his worth, because he doesn't realize he has no worth to prove. He's pretty pathetic.

He almost gets murdered by Meeseeks when he tries (and fails) to improve his golf game, the short-lived helper creatures realizing that they can be free of their existence if they get rid of him and (technically) fulfill his request by doing so ("we can't take two strokes off his game, but we can take all strokes off it!")

He gets used by the ruler of Pluto to try to get people to ignore the fact that their planet is being destroyed by their own abuses of it and goes along with it because his ego is getting stroked the entire way, to the point of humiliating his son on stage.

And he's such a man-child that he winds up in a literal daycare for Jerrys that an alternate version of Rick established to take care of them while a universe's Rick and Morty were off having adventures.

Every time I see Jerry, I'm reminded of... honestly a lot of political figures in the United States (probably other countries too, but I try to avoid political news that doesn't directly affect me as it would only stress me out horribly.)

Lately America has been on one of it's regular Moral Panics that will, more often than not, blow up in the GOP's face in the end. We've had the Satanic Panic, the Porn Rock hearings of the 80s, and the like... now we're on to Transpeople. Politicians are trying to mandate how gender works because... I dunno, they're afraid of getting cooties or something (or more likely the usual 'we're trying to incite a culture war to avoid the class war that will likely happen one day.')

One of the worst offenders of this is Ron DeSantis, governor of Florida. A little toad of a man who is so insecure that he wears stealth high heels in order to make himself appear taller than he is as he attacks anything and everything he considers "woke" in revenge for... well, whatever. Probably losing the 2024 nomination to a pile of Cheetos in an ill-fitting suit.

Moving away from the political sphere we can find Jerries in the leadership of the business world as well. A prime example is one of the reasons I reactivated my Tumblr account in the first place. Everyone's favorite little shit, Elon "Elongated Muskrat" Musk.

Elon is 100% what Jerry would be if he had a lot of money. He got laughed at on Twitter, so he bought it and bans everyone who looks at him funny. He buys up companies and claims he's a genius scientist for inventions he had no hand in designing (and that come out far worse for his involvement post-takeover.)

A closer to home example would be Tumblr's own Photomatt, who I didn't even know existed until recently and having found out about them I wish I could return to that happy place of ignorance.

Because a transperson was... honestly as far as I can tell existing to them for more than a few minutes they banned their account, then did so again when they made a burner account, then once more with feeling, then possibly a few more times (I lost count.)

Of course he's now getting dunked on from all sides and has only his millions of dollars and the ability to threaten siccing the FBI on offenders while screaming incoherently like a toddler who was told they can't have a cookie.

Again, Jerry Smith, but with money.

So yeah. Got a bit rambly there, but thats how I see the world really. Its not a bunch of tyrannical fascists, its a bunch of insecure little men who can't handle even the tiniest bits of criticism without having a panic attack.

Where's Rick when you need him?

[solarpunkani]

For your roach problem, no one is expecting you to just deal with roaches. But you can live without commercial chemical pesticides and soon you'll have no choice but to do so. Commercial pesticides are also jeopardizing your family's health. Research the suggestions we're giving you and change your family's pesticide habit.

Keep out indoor roaches with:

Diatomaceous Earth

Baking Soda

Boric Acid

Borax

Citrus

Peppermint or Lemongrass Essential Oils

Caulk all Entry Points

And keep out outdoor roaches by laying sticky traps at cracks around doors, windows, and foundations.

Frogs, birds, lizards, and spiders are natural predators of roaches. If you're getting a lot of roaches, then your yard must be a safe haven from roach predators. Attract roach predators by cultivating native plants. And then remove anything that looks like a roach hiding spot so the predators have the upper hand.

From all the reblogs I've been getting on that post, it sure does feel like a lot of yall are expecting people to just deal with roaches.

My family doesn't even have bad bad problems with roaches (asides from that one year we deep cleaned the garage and they all decided to Head Indoors, that was awful). My sister moved into an apartment once that was literally infested with roaches. We had to spend the whole weekend stomping and paranoid and mixing borax with eggs and caulking, and it never really came to an end until we pulled out the pesticides.

I mean. I've tried some of these. And some of them have worked a little (read: barely, not really).

I don't think its a good idea to put diatomaceous earth down in our house because we have a small and old dog, and while it's dry it's incredibly bad to breathe in, and if it's wet it's... not effective. Also we're in Florida.

I actually asked my mom if we'd tried baking soda before, and she said no! She also said it'd probably be extremely slow acting, like borax is. So I guess if you've got forever and a day to wait...

I will admit, boric acid and borax do work! If you're willing to cross your fingers, hope they find it, and wait for weeks to see if the roaches all die. My sister moved into an apartment that had an undisclosed roach infestation, and mixing boric acid/borax with eggs and sticking it on top of shelves and crossing our fingers was one of the things my mom did. We also used sticky traps, and bait poisons. The other thing we did was use Home Defense spray on the outside and stomp or spray any we found inside. And I cannot emphasize enough we did not have the goddamn time to be sitting and twiddling our thumbs to wait for every single roach to find the borax and die. We brought in a pizza and within like 5 minutes there were roaches dive bombing us from the ceiling over the table. And my sister had already signed the lease before we knew it was this bad.

I'll be real, I seriously doubt we've tried the citrus/essential oils thing. Also have heavy doubts it'd be effective in any sense, but also some essential oils are bad for dogs. Which we have. And many people do.

Caulking all entry points works if you know where they're coming in from. If the way they're getting in is 'sneaking in while you let the dog out' (has happened) or 'crawled in while you were entering the house after a night out' (has happened) or 'entered from the garage while you were looking for something' (has happened) caulking ain't such an easy solution.

Regarding sticky traps, while I imagine they'd work great outside, I've also seen a ton of the same people who are anti-pesticide also be anti-sticky trap because they don't discriminate and will also trap things like mice, lizards, snakes, etc.

"Your yard must be a safe haven for roach predator" I can acknowledge that this makes sense! But we also need to acknowledge that not everyone has direct control over making their yard a safe haven for an array of creatures. Was my sister in her apartment supposed to plant native plants in the regularly-mowed patch of grass that sat by the parking lot? Was she supposed to manually remove the roach hiding spot that is the apartment complex dumpster? There are so many situations where people do not have direct control over that kind of stuff--apartments, dorms, HOA living, renting, etc. Are they supposed to 'just deal?'

"Soon you'll have no choice to do so" not being offered a lot of other choices in the long run at this point either. Also I can gently encourage my parents all I want, at the end of the day its their house and they can do what they want. And if they don't wanna wait an extra week to hope some boric acid and sticky traps kills a roach while they continue laying eggs who knows where, I don't really have any direct control over that.

[zluxury]

━ hailee steinfield. non-binary . twenty seven. they/them. lights, camera, action ! currently zooming in on the illustrious zariah wyatt walking down rodeo drive. the capricorn has earned their rank among the stars as an influencer/dj. in that time they've built a reputation for being spirited but, before you decide to stand tmz reported that they can be materialistic. tbh it makes sense considering their spotify wrapped says they've listened to 7 rings by ariana grande over a hundred times

(Non-binary people may identify as an intermediate or separate third gender, identify with more than one gender, no gender, or have a fluctuating gender identity)

Career Claim : Charly Jordan & Calvin Harris

Zariah rose to fame 8 years ago when they were only 19 years old going viral on TikTok after adjusting a commenters views on her gender identity , they received many endorsements not very long after & from there on out shot to stardom. With their new found fame Zari used their platform to achieve their dreams of becoming a dj to now a new fresh producer. They’ve just released their second album & continues to book festival after festival. Still using their platform to address issues in the LGBQT community & showing the behind scenes of life as a dj & young celebrity.

They are from Miami Florida, & moved to LA upon being discovered via social media. Zar comes from a family middle low class family, with a stay at home mother & a father who works owns a exterminating company, they have 2 younger twin siblings reigning in at 15 years old. Zar is big on family and would move them out here in a heartbeat , in a nice big house if her parents would let their but they are very prudent on not letting Zari diminish their younger siblings roots in growing up with everything handed to them. As they as well as Zar have worked for everything in their lives. Their parents are very accepting of her gender identities & probably go harder for them then thy selves.

Zar is one big ball of … spirit . They are very opinionated on just about everything and never shy to anyone about, they always exclude & affect the energy in the room, if they’re in a good mood they’re determined to bring everyone up, if they’re in a bad mood.. well ya know. They would never intentionally harm someone although sometimes so consumed they would be oblivious to doing so. Not growing up with much in life Zari has definitely grown accustomed to their new found wealth, preferring the finer things in life almost every-time these days. They’re the biggest jokers & the best time, hard working yes but they play even harder, literally what is sleep.

Zari has never been in a serious relationship, they’ve dated a lot people but never too the point where she’s lived with anyone outside her family or started any sorts of future. They’ve been in a few rumored situations via TikTok & tours but have never commented publicly. When it comes to romance no one is more private, while they don’t care if they’re caught in perfect with someone they will never answer any questions or address public rumors.

[coderfortourette]

Gov’s Character

Ok, so Ben has confirmed that Gov and DC from 2020-2021 is the same person. And the reason the name changed is because DC (as in District of Columbia) exists. And that makes sense. Ben started this series as a one off sketch, not expecting it to get popular. And so he wasn’t fully prepared for the whole universe to be built out. And made a few mistakes here and there, like names for characters. 

“But wait! Old DC was a character in the same meeting as Gov!”

And I can explain that. In Ben’s own words “Ok so I think Old DC is like... a skin that the snake has shed”

And this- this is interesting to me. And I think it leads to some cool theories that can be formed. Especially with things like Gov’s personality change before and after the election. 

So the one that comes to the fore front of my mind. Is that Gov does “shed” himself every inauguration. And the personality that he formed from the administration gets swept away. He’s back to a more general government official. He’s “washed clean” in a way. (Now, it’s not 100% washed clean. There are some personality bits that are tied with just being the government). And he still is very nervous whenever elections happen, by virtue of the anxiety from the people and departments he represents. 

Otherwise, his personality will redevelop for the 4-8 years the new administration has power. And that may have to do with policies passed or other major world/USA events that happen during the administrations period. 

For example. The Gov we saw when his nametag was “DC”, he was very nervous. Besides an election year, there was also like a lot of stuff going on in the world. Protesting and a global pandemic. That would probably make him nervous. 

The Gov we see now started off very much as not a pushover. Not somebody the states could pick on. And it’s implied that the last version of Gov could be from the start (Florida saying Gov isn’t as fun anymore). 

Now for the part of the “shed” self. I think that becomes like it’s own personification of sorts? Honestly I’m still on the fence of if it gets to be immortal like the others, or if it appears and gets to live a regular mortal life. Either way, this “shed” self retains it’s personality.

Which is why we see Old DC as such a mess. Right before he was shed there was the Jan 6 thing. And after he was shed the Orange Man almost instantly tried to create the “Office of the Former President”. So instead of getting a chance to relax and enjoy no responsibilities like the other past “sheds”, he was forced right to work when he should have been in the care of somebody. 

Last Admin does show up in a later sketch. And I have a theory that “Old DC” and “Last Admin” are the same. Since he has a year and a half to recover... and likely recovered around individuals connected to the last administration, that’s why his personality was like that. 

For Cryptid Lovers

For the crypid!Gov lovers out there. You can take the shedding to be more literal in a sense if you want. I think this phrasing Ben used definitely opens the way for some cryptid!Gov. 

Just, a heads up for artists who want to draw it. I know the snake imagery might make you want to do scales, but I ask we don’t for two reasons. 

1. It sets itself too close to the antisemitic conspiracy theory about “Lizard people who control everything”

2. Speaking as somebody with a skin disorder that causes what’s described as “scaly” patches, that’s kinda... it’s not really something I want to see associated with cryptids/etc. For like, body positivity reasons.

Outside of that! If you still want to think of “DC” (2020) and “Gov” as separate characters, I can’t stop you! I’m just repeating what Ben said in case you were in the camp of “I’m not sure if they’re the same or not. I wish Ben would clarify

And I’ll be sharing the screenshots of Ben’s words about stuff under the cut. 

[kaijutegu]

Hey Kaiju, hope you're doing well! It looks like NC is trying to ban tegus. Having a tegu yourself and being knowledgeable about them, what do you recommend we do? Theres a zoom meeting on the 20th about it and they're taking comments, I dont even know what to say. Can tegus even live that far north?

Yes they can, but a ban makes zero sense and here is why!

Unlike most... ok, unlike ALL other reptiles, tegus have some endothermic (warm blooded) properties. They can manipulate their internal body temperature some, primarily during breeding season, and this helps them survive winters that kill things like iguanas and the big pythons. As climate change continues, it's very likely that they'll keep pushing north, and there are parts of NC that could sustain that population.

BUT. When you look at the situation in Florida, North Carolina is not at the same level of risk. The big tegu populations down there came from one breeder release and one or more big warehouse escapes by importers. Escaped or released pets are not going to cause an invasive situation. The sensible solution, in my opinion, is permitting, licensure for breeders, and microchipping, as well as banning mass imports.

Each of these pieces would work a little differently. In order of importance, banning imports is the first thing NC should do. Banning mass imports would stop the warehouse situation from ever occurring. I don't think that NC currently really has any major reptile imports, at least not at the level Florida does/did. I think that before a pet owner ban, this must be in place first.

Then, license your breeders. Make it so that anybody producing tegus must have permission and must report their numbers. Here's how I'd do it: Put a cap on how many adults they can have and require an annual facility inspection. They have to prove that their containment is good- that the animals can't get out- and they have to report any escapes to Fish and Wildlife. They also need to produce an annual report keeping track of how many babies hatched and where those babies went, as well as how many adults they have of each sex. Hognose breeders (a permit species) here in IL do stuff like that all the time, and it's not a problem. Failure to report escapes=big fine. Failure to produce annual report=big fine after a couple of reminders. Honestly, a good breeder cares about where the babies end up, so collecting some data about where they go probably won't be pushing anybody too far.

I could also see the logic behind just blanket banning breeding. Babies are wriggly, clever escape artists and if you're producing dozens of them at a time, it could be pretty easy for them to get out. This could be enforced by capping the number of adults people are allowed to have and implementing heavy fines if they're caught breeding the animals or letting eggs hatch. (If accidents happen, you have... months to put the eggs in the freezer or otherwise destroy them.) But I think that introducing a licensing system would be worth a try, especially because right now there isn't an invasive population.

Permits for pet ownership are another thing that would be fairly easy to set up. They could even be auto-generated through Fish and Wildlife or the DNR or whatever NC calls it. The only point of these permits would be to track where existing animals are and to identify who has them. This is something that makes some people kinda bristle, because "muh privacy," but it's literally no different than a municipal license for a dog. Except cheaper– the permit doesn't have to be expensive, and honestly I think keeping it free would encourage people to go through with it. As an example, in IL, you need a permit to keep or breed the western hognose because it's threatened in our state. Keeping a few as a pet requires a free permit; breeding them requires a permit that comes with a 50 dollar annual fee. If you look at that pet permit, it's basically auto-generated. They don't really care too much about the individual- they just want to know where the animals are.

The most difficult idea to implement would be mass microchipping. In Florida, they use PIT tags which ping an antenna whenever the animal passes it. This helps track their location. I don't think NC needs that because they don't have an established invasive population. But requiring microchipping like you'd maybe do for a dog or cat is a good idea. If the animal does get out, it can be established quickly whether it's a pet or not. Once the animal is captured, it can be scanned for a chip. If it's not a pet, pay attention to the location and rethink the management strategy. If you get a LOT of non-chipped animals, it's time to reconsider the ban. But if it's chipped? Call up the owner. Potentially fine them. I'd probably implement a strike system, where if your animal gets out once, it's a warming and if it gets out again, it's a ticket or fine or something.

The challenge here would be getting people to chip their animals. Even though all tegu owners should have an exotic vet they regularly take their animal to for checkups, not everybody does that. This could be mitigated by state-sponsored chip clinics/chip days and heavy public outreach by local herp societies.

For the public meeting, here's the questions I would ask:

1. Where is the evidence that pet owners are causing or might cause an invasive tegu population in NC?

2. Why is the state going to a general ban instead of a permit system?

3. What impact studies or predictions have been produced that lead to these conclusions?

4. What makes them think a ban will work? What will prevent people who already have tegus from just going "eh" and releasing them?

5. What other methods is the state planning on using to stop a potential tegu threat? What early detection and response plans do they have in place?

6. Have there actually been any tegu sightings or evidence of tegu populations establishing themselves in NC? Somebody should just point blank ask them why they think this is a step they need to take.

If they say there's no evidence and they just want to keep it that way, you might want to point out that banning them won't actually stop people from getting them. It just makes it illegal, but the thing is, the reptile hobby doesn't always care about that. People will just go to expos out of state or order their animals online.

But! Providing a legal avenue towards ownership will just make their job easier. What that will do is create data about where these animals are. That way, if an invasive population does come into being, it can either be traced back to the humans responsible... or it will be evident that it's a migrating population from another state.

As of January 2022, there's only one news story about tegus being loose in NC. Three were spotted in Wake County in 2017, and the police initially misidentified them as Gila monsters, which is kinda funny. I couldn't find any followup but it was said that the three escaped from one home in Bowling Green, which means that they were probably in outside containment and they dug under or climbed over the fence.

USARK also has some talking points here, as well as a summary of the proposed legislation.

Good luck in that public meeting!

[rogue-durin-16]

MATCHUP FOR:

Anon

She/her, INFP, Hufflepuff. 5'2, curvy, but not overweight (yet, lol), blonde hair, blue-green eyes. My most defining traits are sarcasm, sense of humor and love of all animals. I'm a sarcastic little shit, but I'm never mean about it. Making people laugh makes me light up like a Christmas tree on the inside. Humor is how I cope with pretty much everything. Like I said I love animals and I have 2 cats, 2 dogs, 3 rats and a bunny. If I could afford it and had the space and the time I'd have so many more. 🤗Pet peeves, people who don't return their shopping carts, people who don't use turn signals. People who lack empathy or are rude make me want to go feral. Flaws, I can be passive aggressive. I don't like conflict so the things I bottle up come out that way. Also am too cynical and don't trust most people easily. Once I do though, I'm your ride or die. Lol. I talk (and type) too much sometimes. I've always been very insecure about my appearance and have never considered myself attractive. I have pretty bad anxiety, but if one of my friends is doing worse I usually go into mom friend override and I can do the thing then. I definitely want to take care of people I care about but feel pretty helpless to do so a lot of times. 😞 I love going to the beach (I live in Florida and grew up on the south Jersey shore), watching movies (love MCU and LotR) and tv, music (mostly pop punk/emo, but I love 80s, 90s, 40s, 50s, indie) and baseball. My favorite shows are Brooklyn 99, The Good Place, Pushing Daisies and Buffy. Oh and when I'm not broke AF I collect Marvel comic books. I have 4 boxes of them rn. I'm mostly a homebody but when I actually get to travel I love exploring new places. I love going to museums too. Mostly art, but I love learning about history and science so I like those types of museums too.

From Band Of Brothers I Ship You With:

George Luz

Ship dynamic:

Chaotic Duo™

Quote:

«‌There is no light at the end of the tunnel, so it's a good thing we brought matches.»

You need someone to keep up with that energy you got going on, and that someone is George Luz.

The heart eyes he gives you the moment you start talking... lord, have mercy. He gets teased constantly.

He won't tell anyone but he loves that your shorter than him. He also finds you extremely hot and that he does tell people. Honestly, the whole teasing situation is entirely his fault.

You two probably start off as acquittances, given that you don't trust people easily and George doesn't want to pressure you into a friendship or more that you don't want.

You do love to have a laugh with him, which doesn't automatically bring you two closer but it definitely makes you find a seemingly superficial common ground.

Self deprecating jokes are your thing and that's fineee but maybe you two should seek help, just sayin'.

He's gonna talk over movies to annoy you, but literally just smack him and it'll shut him up, sending him into a fit of giggles.

Okay, here's how it's gonna go, because Luz is... Well, he's Luz, he'll apologize later, first let me explain.

You're going to be having one of those moments y'all anxiety ridden helpers have— the 'my mind cannot take this' moment, and you're going to spiral. Now, I don't know if it's Luz taking you aside or you walking away because You Need A Moment and Luz follows you.

Point is, it's just the two of you and he's going to try to cheer up his best girl; and he's gonna start saying all the good things about you (which is going to take a while).

He's gonna get extra hyped because you're amazing and no matter in which state you are at the moment, definitely not a good one though, he's going to leap forward and kiss you.

I mean, bet that brings you out of the mental breakdown but was that really the moment?

And that's when he apologizes. He's dying to kiss you again though, this time properly, and he tells himself he's going to think it through.

The moment comes when you're both cracking up because you two have this little competition of who can make the other laugh harder and you're a little too close, and he gets overly excited again.

Before he knows what's happening, boom, his lips are on yours. He pulls away and tries to apologize again but I mean, it was a good kiss and you're not having a meltdown so... ;)

He's kinda shocked when you kiss him but oh, boy does he enjoy it.

You tease him about it afterwards, like the sarcastic little shit you are. He doesn't get upset, of course; on the contrary, he returns the teasing.

Though it's gonna take more to break him than to break you, he's eventually gonna reach his tipping point too, and your mom instincts are going to kick in.

Let me tell you, he's never felt more grateful or at home than when you take care of him.

George likes to take you to the beach, because he gets to play with you in the water. Playing meaning he annoys you until you give him the same shit back.

You're gonna have a problem with the passive agressive part, because he does bottle things up as much as you do. You two have to work on that; maybe together it'll be easier.

He buys you comics for like half the price. God knows where this boy get the things from but we're not gonna question it.

You two are chaos personified. You know when two people fuel each other to the point where it looks like they're on drugs? That's the two of you.

[blackwoolncrown]

a question about AC... i read the article you posted and now have a better understanding of the harmful effects of AC on not only the environment but individuals as well. as someone who rents and also lives in georgia with hot, humid summers - how would you suggest cutting down on AC use? like a gradual decline? or cold turkey and just running fans? i think youve mentioned you live in florida, so since we have similar summers, i’d like to know how you keep relatively cool because i definitely want to get away from AC use! i am on several medications that decrease my heat tolerance, and of course i dont want to hurt myself, but with this new information, i’d like to do something to “do my part”

Gradual decline. Cold turkey never ever is a good method for anything. The brain does not do well to sudden and abrupt changes, it's not nice.

First off, you mention being on meds so like statement: I'm aactually not encouraging you to do this, I'm not a doctor, and I make these suggestions for abled bodies- anyone with a disability/chronic illness is excused bc they are the exact people who should be getting exceptions and or the people the energy use is FOR instead of ppl who don't literally need it.

Secondly, the 'do my part' thing... I want to be clear that I don't talk about this in the sense that I think individuals are responsible for climate change-- but it is harm reduction AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I think that, for reasons specific to the individual's experience on this earth it is useful to see what one can do to live a life in line with their values and as divested as possible from energies and institutions they do not align with.

So for instance I won't buy any new clothes made of non-natural materials, I keep my AC minimal, I don't buy from Amazon. I don't think these things specifically do much at all about climate change, but I also have cut my reliance on things foisted on this culture bu toxic institutions and that matters.

With that being said, yes, it's a gradual thing. We are in more or less the same climate. What I do is this: Spring and Fall I turn my AC off w whenever I can- generally the rule is that as long as leaving it off doesn't accumulate heat or humidity inside which of course is Not Good, I leave it off during these seasons. In practice it jusst means there are certain days where having the AC off and the windows open is fine, and nights where the temp is stable and low enough that having it off works then, too. In the Winter I do not turn the heat on during the day since you can just layer up, but we turn it on low at night so we're not tense and cold at night. ALternatively we could use a space heater but we gave the one we had to someone else lol.

In the Summer the AC is on 79 during the day and 75 at night. We go outside a lot to get used to dealign with the heat- like a 40 minute walk outside almost every day, going to parks on the weekends when we can etc. In my car I usually leave the AC off but if it's on I turn it on low with the lowest amount of cooling. Bc I don't use AC much, the lowest amount is usually enough to make me feel "wow, cool!". I also save on gas since it's not blasting.

Also really important though is how I dress, and I don't tink that's talked about enough. If I'm gonna leave my house and I'm not exercising I wear crop tops/cholis with long skirts or over dresses of light, cotton layers and a veil/scarf of cotton or thin cotton jersey. This keeps heat away from my skin while allowing my skin to breathe and cool itself with perspiration and when I walk into th sun if I'm not wearing a wide brimmed hat (which I usually am) I use the veil to keep the sun off of my neck and head.

Again, when it’s hot and I’m outside I *literally* do not allow the sun to touch my skin. Think of how ppl who live in deserts dress. Yeah. And since it’s humid I make sure the fabrics are light, I keep layers away from my kidneys and I’m generally fine-

note about the kidneys if you’re cold you wanna make SURE your kidneys are covered snugly, if you’re hot you do NOT want fabric compressed around them.

One of my pet peeves about western culture is how the fashion of it is usually an affront to the environment. Weird bulky fabrics, lack of flowing layers, or too many layers in general- people who live in hot climates globally don't fucking dress like that! lol. Sidenote polyester? It may not wrinkle but it's NOTORIOUSLY non-breathable, making you feel even hotter.

The average person here wears like jean shorts and a polo top both of which are heavy af, and then MAYBE a baseball cap which does nothing, actually to keep the sun off of the sides of your face or your neck (where your blood is!!! so you don't want it getting hot!) and then goes 'shit it's hot outside'. Meanwhile as you probably know, ppl in South Asia....? Not dressed like that lol.

HTH!

[iamtrebleclefstories]

maybe it’s wrong to say I love you - part two 

Part Two: Home

people I’ve loved, I’ve had no regrets... some I remember, some I forget...

So... this monstrosity of a fic was supposed to be a miniseries, but it’s obviously evolved into this giant. Hope you enjoy it and let me know what think and what you hope to see next!

If you haven’t read Part One, you can find it here!

p.s - You might wanna get the tissues out for this one

TW: Mentions of suicide, self-harm, and abuse

Part Two: Home

-Wish I were with you, but I couldn't stay-

-Every direction leads me away-

Leaving Seattle was probably one of the most difficult decisions Jo had ever made. And that was coming from someone who’d lived through some really crappy things in her twenty-eight years of life. When she turned her resignation into Webber, he did everything in his power to get her to stick around. He pointed out that it was kind of ridiculous to just up and leave one of the best residency programs in the country because of a guy. Normally, she’d agree. She’s worked way too damn hard in her life for it to come to this. But Alex wasn’t just a guy. He was her person. He was her family. And sometimes you needed to sacrifice things in order to keep your family safe and happy. 

When Webber realized that Jo was not going to change her mind about moving, he offered to put her in contact with an old colleague who was the chief of surgery at a hospital on the east coast. That’s how she ended up on a six and a half hour flight from Seattle to Florida. She started working at the Jacksonville branch of Mayo Clinic about a week later. 

It was different. Very different from Seattle. It was hot and humid all the time. Sure the beaches were nice, but Jo didn’t think she’d ever lived somewhere so unbearably hot in her entire life. Something that was nice though was the rain. Because even though Florida was nicknamed the Sunshine State, she felt like it was constantly raining. It reminded her of Seattle. It reminded her of home. 

Months passed and Jo felt like she was finally starting to heal, albeit very slowly. But she was healing nonetheless. She could go an entire day without even thinking about Alex Karev and how he was probably living it up with his wife. Sure, those days also just so happened to be days where Jo literally did not have the time to think of him, but she was grateful for the slight reprieve that work had given her over the constant influx of painful memories. 

By the time the end of her third year of residency was coming to a close, she thought she’d finally done it. She made it an entire week without crying over Alex and everything that they had lost. She was proud of herself. So proud, that she thought maybe she could try to move on and start dating again. 

She was on her first date post-Alex when she saw the news on the bar television. Mass shooting at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital in Seattle, Washington. Multiple lives lost, many injured, including some of the doctors and staff. 

Jo felt absolutely sick to her stomach. She excused herself from her date and rushed back over to her apartment and searched for the little black book where she’d written down the phone numbers of all her friends before throwing out her old phone and getting a new number. She found it and shakily dialed the first number she saw—Meredith’s—and prayed that someone on the other line would answer. 

“Hello?” A tired voice croaked.

“Mer?” 

“Jo? Is that you?” 

Jo let out a sigh of relief, “Oh my God. I saw the news. Are you okay? Is everyone okay?” There was a sob on the other end of the line, making Jo’s heart beat wildly against her chest. “Meredith, what happened?”

“It was horrible,” Meredith cried, her sniffles being heard from Jo’s end of the call. Jo waited patiently for Meredith to calm herself enough to inform her of what happened. “Today was the worst day of my life.”

“Did anyone we know—“

“Yes,” Meredith stated quietly. “Derek was shot in the heart and almost died. Cristina saved him, though. The doctors are optimistic. Owen got shot in the arm. I lost my baby—“

“You were pregnant?” Jo’s eyes began to water.

“Yeah,” Meredith whimpered. “I had a miscarriage today.”

“Mer, I’m so sorry,” Jo felt a couple tears escape her eyes. “What about everyone else?”

“Bailey watched someone die in her arms,” Meredith shared. “His name was Charles. He was a resident. He was new, but not so bad. This other girl named Reed died. So did a couple nurses and security guards. No kids, though. Lexie is okay. Mark is okay. Arizona and Callie are okay.”

“Mer, you haven’t said anything about Alex. Why aren’t you saying anything about Alex?” Jo’s heart hammered inside her rib cage. There was silence coming from Meredith’s side of the call. “Meredith. Please. Tell me he isn’t dead.”

“He isn’t dead,” Meredith stated. “But I’m not completely sure he’s going to live.”

Jo heard the sob before she registered it was hers, “What happened?”

“He was shot in the chest,” Meredith’s voice quivered a bit. “Lexie and Mark found him, but by the time they found him he’d already lost so much blood. They put in a chest tube and tried to do as much as they could in the conference room on the fourth floor. But he hasn’t woken up yet. Someone needs to make some decisions regarding his care. The bullet ripped through his lung. They need to figure out whether they’re gonna take him back into surgery or just hope he makes it through the night.”

“Oh God,” Jo felt the tears stream down her face. She took a couple deep breaths. “Okay. Okay. What’s Izzie going to have them do?”

“Jo, Izzie isn’t the one who’s going to make those decisions,” Meredith said cautiously. 

“What do you mean? She’s his wife isn’t she? What is she going to have them do?” 

“You don’t know?” Meredith asked. 

“Don’t know what?” Jo shook her head. She couldn’t figure out why Meredith sounded so weird. 

“Um, nothing… it’s just… we were looking at Alex’s medical forms and you’re Alex’s power of attorney.”

“What?” Jo’s eyes widened. “Why me? Why not Izzie?”

“I guess he trusted that you’d make the right decisions,” Meredith paused. “You don’t have to come. I know it might be too hard for you.”

“No. No, I’ll come,” Jo decided and began to quickly pack an overnight bag. “I’m coming right now.”

Less than ten hours later, Jo was standing outside of Alex’s hospital room standing next to Meredith and Cristina as she spoke to the doctors about Alex’s health. After deciding the best course of treatment, Jo turned to look at her friends, “Where is Izzie?”

The two women exchanged a look. Cristina let out a sigh, “She’s visiting her mom. I don’t know if she knows.”

“Oh,” Jo nodded. “Maybe it’s better if she doesn’t see him like this.”

“Jo, you know that Izzie and Alex got—“Meredith started, quickly being interrupted by Jo.

“No, you know what? I don’t need to know,” Jo shook her head. “The one thing that coming here has taught me is that I’m still in love with him and that means I can’t be here. I can’t hear about his relationship with Izzie. Not today at least. Maybe in a few years when I’m over him and I don’t cry at the thought of him being with someone else, but not today.”

“But Jo, they’re—“ Cristina tried to get a word in.

“No. It’s okay,” Jo stuck her hand out, signaling Cristina to stop talking. “I did what I had to do and I’m going back. Don’t tell him that I was here or that you have my phone number. Please. I love you guys, but I need to leave.”

Her friends nodded and wrapped her in an uncharacteristic hug. Mer whispered in her ear, “Be safe. We’ll keep in touch.”

“Goodbye.”

————

-Just looking for shelter from the cold and the pain-

-Someone to cover, safe from the rain- 

Jo kept in contact with Meredith. The months following the shooting were difficult ones and Jo would often hear her phone ringing as Meredith called or texted her various updates regarding everyone’s lives. Everyone except Alex’s life. Jo was clear that she didn’t want to know what was going on in his life and perfect marriage with Izzie other than the fact that he was doing okay and thinking about specializing in peds apparently. 

She was about four or five months into her fourth year of residency when Jo was given an invitation to attend a medical conference in Orlando. Jo called Meredith immediately after and suggested she take a few days off to come attend the conference with her. 

“Jo I’d love to. Let me talk to the chief and see if I can get a few days off to visit you,” Meredith replied. 

About a week and a half later, Jo was picking Meredith up at the Orlando International Airport, “Mer!” 

“Jo!” The women embraced and Jo helped Meredith stuff her bags into the trunk of the car as they drove over to the hotel where the conference was being held. 

“How are you? How is everyone?” Jo asked. 

“We’re getting there. Things still aren’t as good as they could be,” Meredith shrugged. “Cristina got married.” 

“She what?” Jo’s eyes widened. “To Hunt?”

“Yup,” Meredith nodded. “She isn’t doing surgery right now either. I tried to convince her to come with me, but she wouldn’t listen.” 

Jo sighed, “I wish I could see her and literally slap some sense into her.” 

“You might be the only person who’d be successful at getting her to feel something,” Meredith chuckled. “It’s not the same without you there, Jo. Everything is so… boring and dull.”

“Boring and dull might just be the last thing you call Seattle Grace,” Jo wrinkled her face in amusement. “Especially since Mark Sloan got Callie pregnant. Poor Lexie.”

“I know,” Meredith shook her head. She stood quiet for a moment before speaking. “Don’t you ever miss it? Home?”

“Every day,” Jo answered. “Sure, I have some acquaintances, but it isn’t the same.” 

“So why don’t you come back?” 

“You know why,” Jo gave Meredith a pointed look. 

“But the reasons--” 

“Mer, stop. I told you I don’t want to know about him and Izzie,” Jo shook her head. 

“If you’d just let me talk you’d find out that things aren’t as perfect as you think they are,” Meredith crossed her arms. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Jo took a deep breath. “No one, in the history of my life has ever loved me and hurt me more than Alex. And if I want to keep loving him and not hating him for making me love him, then I can't know about his personal life. I can’t.” 

“Okay. We won’t talk about Alex anymore,” Meredith sighed. What she’d been trying to tell Jo was that Alex and Izzie had gotten divorced over a year ago and in an effort to cover the pain of losing the two women he loved, he’d reverted back to his days as a diseased man-whore. But Jo wasn’t having it. 

The first two days of the conference were fun and informative. Jo and Meredith used the time they weren’t in sessions to get some much needed rest. The third day of the conference Jo and Meredith were getting ready to walk in when Jo saw him. She knew immediately who it was as soon as she saw the back of his head. She’d never forget that man as long as she lived. 

Meredith must’ve realized how Jo went pale and started to tremble because she placed her hand lightly on Jo’s arm in concern, “Jo. Are you feeling okay? What’s wrong?” 

“I⎯I have to get out of here,” Jo grasped Meredith’s arm tightly. “Mer, I need you to get me out of here right now.” 

“Okay,” Meredith pulled Jo out of the hotel conference room and into the lobby where Jo finally let out a cry, startling Meredith. “Jo, what’s going on? I need you to talk to me.”

Jo had begun hyperventilating at some point and was struggling to catch her breath as she saw his name on the speaker schedule for the day on the poster outside of conference room doors. She didn’t know how she hadn’t noticed it before. She didn’t know how she could’ve missed it. Why was he here? Had he found her? Did he know she was in Florida?

“Jo!”

“Huh?” Jo turned to Meredith with scared eyes. 

“Jo, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. You begged me to get you out of that room. What happened?” 

“I⎯I’m married.” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“I’m married to a man who almost beat me to death. I ran away from him eight years ago and never divorced him because I was afraid he’d come find me and kill me,” Jo shared, body shaking in fear. 

“Does Alex know?” Meredith asked, brows furrowed.

“He’s the only person I’ve ever told,” Jo nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks. “He knows everything. About Paul, the abortion, how I ran away and changed my name. Jo Wilson isn't even my real name.”

Meredith wrapped Jo in a tight hug, “You’re okay. I’m here and I’m not leaving you alone. Not for one second.”

They found out that Paul lived in Florida, Orlando, specifically and had been working at Orlando Medical Group for the past five years. He was a speaker at the conference and would be giving a presentation on minimally invasive surgery techniques. They’d been in their hotel room for a few minutes when Jo finally spoke again. 

“Meredith, what if he sees me? What if he comes to hurt me?” Fear etched on Jo’s face. “He’s here. He’s here and I don’t even have Al—I don’t have anyone.”

“Do you want me to call him?” 

“No.”

“Jo, let me call him. Please,” Meredith squeezed one of Jo’s hands. “He’s going to want to be here with you. He misses you. He still loves you.”

“Meredith, stop,” Jo looked up at the ceiling. “If Alex were here he’d just do something stupid and get himself killed or wind up in jail or the hospital and I refuse to put him through that.”

“Okay,” Meredith sighed. “But you are not alone. You have me and we’re going to find a great lawyer who’s going to get you a restraining order and a divorce, because no one should be tied to a man like that. And I will stay here as long as I need to, to make that happen.”

——————

-The echoes and silence, patience and grace-

-All of these moments I'll never replace-

Realistically, Meredith couldn’t stay with Jo the entire time it would take her to process her divorce. The next few months after submitting the request for the dissolution of marriage were full of Jo looking over her shoulder practically every minute of every day.

It was on a Tuesday in February when it happened. She’s just got out of a surgery with Dr. Baker, their chief of surgery when she heard the most chilling sound. 

“Hi Brooke. Or should I say Jo? It is Jo now, isn’t it?” 

Jo turned around slowly to face him, eyes flitting over to Dr. Baker who seemed to be watching with concern, “Paul. What are you doing here?”

“Oh, you know, just checking up on my wife,” Paul sneered. “A wife I had not seen in eight years, so imagine my surprise when my lawyer presented me with divorce papers that my wife had filed not long before and that a court date has been set a month from today.”

“You shouldn’t be here,” Jo glared at him. “I have a restraining order. It’s all supposed to go through the courts. We aren’t supposed to have any contact with each other.” 

“I know,” Paul flashed her a disarming smile. “I just couldn’t resist coming to pay you a visit. Especially when I found out that you were living in the same state.”

“You need to leave before I call security,” Jo stood her ground. “You are not supposed to be anywhere near me, so you need to leave and go home.” 

“No… you know, I don’t think I will,” Paul answered, his menacing grin sending her heart beating wildly. “I think I’ll stick around and—“

“Is there a problem here?” Dr. Baker stood behind Paul, arms crossed as he took in the man’s tall frame. 

“No sir there’s no—“

“Yes,” Jo looked at Dr. Baker and nodded. “Yes there is a problem. This man is my husband whom I am in the process of divorcing. I have a restraining order on him and he is not allowed to be within a thousand feet of me.”

“Sir, I am going to need you to leave the premises immediately,” Dr. Baker pointed towards the exit. “Remove yourself or you shall be removed. And if I hear or see that you are anywhere on or near hospital grounds, I will not hesitate to call security.”

“Fine. I’ll leave,” Paul sent Jo an angry scowl. “But just so you know, you better watch your back. I have no plans on making this easy for you. I’ll see you in court.”

Jo watched as Paul walked out of the hospital and waited until he was out of sight before crumbling onto the floor. Dr. Baker kneeled down beside her and put a comforting hand on her shoulder, “Is there anyone you like me to call for you? I know you used to work with Dr. Webber in Seattle. Would you like me to call him?” 

“No,” Jo shook her head. “No it’s okay. I’ll be okay. I can take care of myself.”

“Wilson,” Dr. Baker’s stern voice warned. “You should not be doing this alone. And you definitely should not be staying in your apartment alone. If you aren’t going to call anyone to come be with you, then you should let us help you. Why don’t you stay with my wife and I for a few days until we know he’s gone?”

“I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

“You won’t be,” Dr. Baker shook his head. The older gentleman was not taking no for an answer. “Stay with Lisa and I. Just for a few days. Until Friday.”

Jo sighed, “Okay, fine. Thank you.”

“Of course,” Dr. Baker squeezed her shoulder lightly. “I’ll have my assistant give you my address so you can head over there as soon as your shift is over today.”

Jo thanked him again and watched as her chief walked away, leaving her in the hallway alone. Jo searched around for the nearest on-call room and reached into her pocket for her phone, dialing a number as soon as she walked inside. 

“Hello?”

“Mer?”

“Jo? Hi. What’s going on?” Meredith answered, the sound of the hospital buzzing in the background. 

“He came, Meredith. My husband? He came and found me. He was here. He came to the hospital,” Jo felt her body shake as she recounted the day’s events. 

“Are you okay? Did he hurt you?” Meredith asked frantically.

“No he didn’t hurt me. But he threatened me. I think,” Jo shrugged.

“What do you mean you think he threatened you? Jo, he’s not even supposed to be within a thousand feet of you. We made sure of that.”

“He told me to watch my back. He said he wasn’t going to make this easy for me,” Jo sniffled and wiped a couple straying tears. 

“Jo, I think it’s time to tell Alex.”

“No. No, Mer we can’t tell him. He doesn't deserve to get caught up in my mess. It’s my mess. I’ll deal with it.”

“Don’t be stupid. Don’t play the martyr.”

“This isn’t about me playing a martyr Mer,” Jo huffed.

“Then what is it? Because I’m not understanding.”

“He didn’t choose me!” Jo exclaimed. “That day he told me that he was going to marry Izzie, I told him that I’d do it. I’d divorce Paul. If he wanted to be committed, if he wanted to be married, that I’d get a divorce. Even though I was terrified of this exact thing happening, I was willing to do it for him. I was willing to put it all on the line to just be with him and he still chose her. He chose Izzie. And I can’t get over that Mer. I can’t get over the fact that the one person that I love more than anything in this world, saw that I was willing to give it all up for him, and still didn’t choose me.”

“Derek chose Addison, and now look. Addison is in LA and Derek and I are married.”

“That’s not the same and you know it,” Jo sighed, a few tears escaping her eyes. “Derek was married before you two met and fell in love. Addison cheated on him with his best friend. He chose her out of commitment and loyalty to his marriage. Alex didn’t do that. Alex chose Izzie because he wanted to, knowing that he had the option of marrying me. After promising me over and over again for the better part of a year that he’d wait for me and telling me that he loved me and only wanted to be with me. It’s different.”

“Is it though?” Meredith asked. “Because at the end of the day, both of them chose women they didn’t truly love. And both of them suffered because of it.” There was silence on the other line for a moment before Meredith spoke up again, “Look, at the end of the day it’s your decision. But I think you should know that he still talks about you. At the most random moments, too. They’ll serve hotdogs in the cafeteria and he’ll comment how you hated the hotdogs they’d serve. Or we’ll be passing by a patient and their family and he’ll mention how you used to have the same scarf as the woman in the group. Or when he’s talking to a kid and they tell him that their favorite color is blue, he’ll say ‘that’s my best friend’s favorite color too.’ Not a day goes by where he doesn’t think of you, Jo. Just think about it.”

“We’ll see,” Jo let out a breath. “I need to get back to work. I’ll talk to you later.” 

“Alright. Please be safe, Jo. Goodbye.”

After hanging up the phone, Jo buried herself in her work until it was time to leave. She drove over to Chief Baker’s house and was welcomed in with open arms and a hot meal on the stove. The few days she stood there were nice. Dr. and Mrs. Baker had been married for thirty-seven years and had two children and five grandchildren. Mrs. Baker—who insisted on being called Lisa—was actually a nurse practitioner that had tons of experience working with ICU and CCU patients.

For the first time in a long time, Jo felt like she had people. The Baker residence was warm and welcoming and nothing like the many homes she grew up in as a child. The Bakers cared. Maybe that’s why she found herself opening up to them about her past and why she was hiding from Paul in the first place. Along with their help and some digging done by their daughter who was a private detective, Jo was able to find enough information on Paul to give her lawyer to put together a strong case that would ensure that Jo was granted all of the conditions of the divorce she sought after, mainly that Paul would not be able come near her and hurt her after the trial was over.

On the day of the trial, Jo was absolutely terrified. She was about to confront her abuser in court and did not know how to handle the nerves coursing through her. She wanted to vomit. She wanted to cry and run away and never look back. She wanted to change her name again so that Paul would never be able to find her. 

But that was the easy way out. She’s done enough running in her life to know that fleeing never truly solved anything either. It only made things painful. Still, Jo couldn’t shake the nerves she was feeling coursing through her. For the first time since this process began, she cursed her stubbornness for making her feel like she had to go through this alone. 

Out of the corner of her eye, Jo spotted something that caught her attention. It was an old pay phone, much like ones that she hadn’t seen in nearly a decade. Jo walked up to it and searched around her purse for some coins to get the phone to start. As soon as it did, she found herself punching in the phone number she knew so well and waited as it dialed. 

“Hello?”

Jo let out the tiniest sob, “Alex.”

“Jo? Jo! Oh my God, is that you? Are you okay? Are you crying? What’s wrong?”

Jo’s sobs grew louder and stronger as she heard his worried voice on the other line.

“Jo, what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Where are you? Do you need me to come get you?”

Jo placed a hand over her mouth and attempted to quiet her cries, “No, I’m okay. I just… I really needed to hear your voice... I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Alex breathed out. Even though she couldn’t see him, Jo could picture Alex’s face scrunched in sadness and worry. “Please come home.”

“I can’t,” Jo shook her head. “I, um, I’m doing something today. Something that I probably should’ve done a long time ago. I almost chickened out, too. But, I know I need to be brave. And I need to be strong. Anyway, I just wanted to hear your voice one last time before I go through it. You make me brave.”

“Go through with what? Jo, don’t do anything stupid. Please. I know I hurt you and I probably don’t deserve your forgiveness, but please, I need you safe. Wherever you are. So, if you’re gonna⎯”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be,” Jo felt a few tears run down her face. “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you needed back then.” 

“All I needed was you. That’s still all I need.”

“I wish that were true,” Jo whispered and wiped her face. “You probably won’t hear from me after this. I wish things were different, but they’re not.” She paused. “I love you. Goodbye.” 

Jo hung up the phone quickly and took a deep breath, running her sweaty palms along the skirt of her dress in hopes of calming some of her nerves. She knew now what she had to do. She had to step into that courthouse and break things off with Paul once and for all. 

Back in Seattle, Alex was pacing frantically in the resident’s lounge, trying to call her back only to find out that the number she’d called from was a payphone. 

“Dammit!” Alex yelled and punched a wall. It had been almost two years since he’d spoken to Jo. Two years of wondering and worrying if he’d ever see her again, only to hear her voice on the other line of a pay phone for about thirty seconds. Alex sunk down onto the floor in the corner of the lounge and ran his hands over his face, trying to conceal the tears that were slowly falling down his cheeks. “Dammit. Dammit.”

“Alex?”

The voice startled him, causing him to look up at the source. Cristina was hovering over him with a concerned expression on her face. “What the hell is going on?”

Alex shook his head and wiped angrily at the tears, “Jo called me.”

“Jo? Jo called you?” Cristina raised her eyebrows. “Is she okay?”

“She was crying,” Alex trembled slightly at the thought of the conversation he’d just had. “She said that she was doing something today, but she wasn’t sure if she should go through with it and she wanted to hear my voice one last time before she made her decision. She told me she loved me and that I probably won’t hear from her again, then she hung up. I tried to call her back but she called me from a freaking pay phone, Yang. Who the hell uses a pay phone these days?”

Cristina stood silent and sat down beside Alex, waiting for him to say what he needed to say. After a minute, he spoke again, “I just keep getting these horrifying scenarios in my head. She said she wanted to hear my voice one last time… and all I can think is, what if she’s going to hurt herself? What if she's going to hurt herself right now and I’m not there to stop her? She’s done it before. She told me she almost ended it all, once when she was back in college. When she was with… but she chickened out and didn’t do it. I swear to God, Cristina, if she dies… I don’t know what I’d do.”

“She’s not going to die,” Cristina shook her head. “She can’t die. I’ve lost too many friends. She isn’t allowed to die.”

“This is all my fault.”

“No it’s not,” Cristina squeezed his knee. “You aren’t responsible for the decisions other people make.”

“This time it is though,” Alex bit his lip as he looked out into the empty lounge. “I’m such an idiot. I love her. I still love her… I always screw myself out of everything good.”

“You’ll find each other one day. You’ll see her again and be together and be happy. I have to believe that,” Cristina sighed. “Now get up off the floor and wipe your face. You’ll scare the kids.” 

————

-Pray for tomorrow, but for today-

-All I want-

-Is to be home-

After Jo’s divorce was finalized and the legal protections were put in place, she considered returning to Seattle. For the first time in almost a decade, she was finally free to do as she pleased. To live her life without the fear that Paul still had the upper hand. Because he didn’t have the power anymore. She’d made sure of that. In her quest to gain her divorce, Jo found out about other women who’d been abused by him in the years since she’d left New Jersey. All of their testimonies led to victory in the civil case against Paul and the beginnings of a criminal trial thanks to the charges being pressed by Paul’s current girlfriend, Jenny. The criminal trial was the main reason Jo decided to stay in Florida. She wanted to be there to testify and see the look on Paul’s face when he finally got what he deserved. 

Still, sometimes Jo would look out the window of the hospital she worked at, see the rain, the cars, the bustling, and remember the friends she’d left behind. The family she’d grown to love and care for. But the longer she remembered that, the sadder she got. It hurt too bad to think of all the what ifs. It hurt to picture her people moving on without her. 

So, Jo did what she did best. She worked. She worked hard to make sure that she was focused and the best in her class. Jo got the best surgeries, she had every attending surgeon’s attention, she was a rock-star and was even in the process of raising up her own set of baby interns. 

Being away was hard, though. Jo found herself walking up to the nursery and NICU to look at the babies like she and her friends had done so many times their intern year. There was something precious about that period in life. Something so fresh and hopeful and exciting. Maybe that’s why she gravitated towards maternal-fetal and pediatric surgery. It helped that the hospital she was working at was nationally ranked in obstetrics and gynecology. She found herself spending more time on the L&D and peds floors of the hospital, assisting complicated and rare surgeries. By the time she was in her fifth year of residency, she’d decided that maternal-fetal surgery was the way to go. She found so much joy in safeguarding the future of the tiny little lives that would soon be brought into the world.

Her purpose in life wasn’t the only thing that she found on the L&D and peds floors of the hospital. It was also where she met Jason. Jason Myers was an OB resident she found herself spending an increasing amount of time with. He was hot and charming and funny and he was the first guy Jo truly dated after leaving Seattle. It was casual and fun, something that Jo hadn’t experienced in a long time. 

They’d been together for about four months when Jo noticed a couple red flags. It started when she began traveling for her fellowship interviews in the last few months of her residency. Jason began to get demanding and possessive. He grabbed her roughly on a couple occasions and had stumbled into their apartment completely wasted and smelling of another woman’s perfume. 

“I think I’m going to have to break up with my boyfriend,” Jo sighed as spoke into the phone to Meredith.

“You’re finally going to break up with that asshole? Thank God,” Meredith replied. “Jo, you could do so much better.”

“I know. You were right,” Jo rolled her eyes as she pictured Meredith’s smug face. Before she’d even started dating Jason, Meredith told her that it was a bad idea, despite having never met him. “It was just so easy in the beginning. Sure it’s been fun, but I knew it would never be more than just this. But for the past month, he’s just been so mean and nasty. A complete douchebag. I don’t have time for this. I’m leaving for Michigan in a few weeks, for crying out loud.”

“You know, Dr. Herman still hasn’t filled her Maternal-Fetal Surgery Fellowship position yet. You should reach out to her and see if she’ll take you into consideration,” Meredith suggested. 

“Mer, the Maternal-Fetal Pediatric Surgery Fellowship at UMich is a fantastic program,” Jo said as she continued to walk down the halls of the hospital. “Besides, I don’t think I’d be able to face Alex after all these years.”

“Jo, you wouldn’t have to,” Meredith paused. “Alex got into Hopkins’ Pediatric Surgery program.”

“He what?”

“Yup,” Jo could almost hear the smile in Meredith’s tone as she filled her in. “He’s going to Baltimore to be a peds fellow.”

“That’s amazing,” Jo breathed out. Truly, she was so proud of how far he’d come in his career. “I knew from the moment you talked about the Africa project that brought you Zola that he’d be going into peds. But Hopkins? God, I wish I could tell him how proud I am.” 

“I’d say you could always call him, but that suggestion would fall of deaf ears,” Meredith chuckled lightly. “Anyway, he’s leaving so there's nothing stopping you from coming to Seattle. Come home, Jo. I’m sure UMich is great, but Herman is the best of the best. Plus, we’re here. Me, Cristina, Lexie, Bailey, your new niece. We’re all here in Seattle. Come be with us.”

“You know what, I think I will apply,” Jo said after a moment. “I’m tired of running. 

“I’ll email you Herman’s contact information,” Meredith exclaimed excitedly. “Good luck with your break up.” 

“Haha, thanks.”

—————

-People I've loved, I have no regrets- -Some I remember, some I forget- -Some of them living, some of them dead-

The plane crash was the true turning point for Jo. That call wrecked her in ways she didn’t know she could be wrecked. She wanted to go over there as soon as possible, but Jo still had two weeks left of her residency to complete before she made her final decision about which fellowship position she would choose. However, as soon as she was relieved from her duties at Mayo in Jacksonville, she found herself engaged in a very nasty break up with Jason and lugged all of her belongings across the country. Four days and some three thousand miles later, Jo found herself on the doorstep of the frat house face to face with a tired looking Meredith. Jo immediately wrapped her arms around her friend as she cried for the sister she’d lost. Jo rubbed comforting circles on Meredith’s back before she looked up and locked eyes with Alex. He froze and if it weren’t for the small child he was holding in his arms, Jo was sure he might’ve passed out with the way his eyes widened in disbelief.

Jo ushered Meredith back into the house and motioned Alex to the door, where he went to grab her bags and pull them inside. Meredith grasped at Jo’s arms as they sat side by side on the couch, “Lexie is dead. Mark is dying. Arizona is dying. Cristina won’t speak. Derek’s arm is ruined. And I… I don’t know what to do.” 

“It’s okay, Mer. I’m here. I’m here,” Jo smoothed down Meredith’s hair soothingly as she attempted to keep her own tears at bay. “You don’t have to worry about that right now. You don’t have to be in control. You don’t have to care of everyone. Just rest. You need to rest.”

A couple hours later, Jo was sitting on the couch with Meredith’s head on her lap, finally sound asleep. Jo had been staring out the window, lost in thought when she heard a couple footsteps come down the stairs. She looked up and saw Alex staring at her with a strange expression on his face.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Jo breathed out in response.

“I just put Zola to sleep,” Alex pointed up to the second floor. He stared at her in silence for a minute more before speaking. “You’re here.”

“Yeah,” Jo gave him an almost imperceptible nod. “I’m here… what are you doing here? I thought you were going to Hopkins.”

“I told them I needed to hold off for a month because of Robbins. How do you know…?”

Jo motioned to the friend that was currently asleep on her lap, “We’ve kept in touch.”

“You what? You guys talk to each other?” Alex asked, his brow furrowing. 

“Yeah. About once a week,” Jo whispered nonchalantly. 

“You two talk to each other. Once a week?” Alex scoffed. “And you didn’t think to, I don't know… maybe call me? Meredith didn’t think to tell me that she was in contact with you?”

“I asked her not to say anything,” Jo eye’s moved away from his face to look at Meredith’s sleeping form. 

“I was worried about you. I thought you were dead,” Alex glared at her. 

“Wait, what?” Jo’s face wrinkled in confusion. “Why would you think that?”

“Because of that phone call a year and a half ago!” Alex whisper-yelled. “You called me from a freaking payphone, sobbing and said that you needed to hear my voice one last time before you went through with ‘it.’ I had no idea what the ‘it’ was. You have to know what that must’ve sounded like from my end. I’ve been playing that conversation over and over again in my head for the better part of a year and a half, wondering if you killed yourself.” 

“No, Alex I would never… I mean, I know I tried it once, but I value my life now. I would never do something to intentionally harm myself.”

“Then what the hell were you doing calling me and scaring me half to death like that?” Alex crossed his arms and looked at her seriously. 

“I…” Jo took a deep breath. “I got divorced from Paul that day.”

“You’re free?” Alex’s face softened slightly.

“I’m free,” Jo confirmed, eyes watering. “I got legal protections that day as well and I made the decision to testify in Paul’s criminal trial that would determine whether he was guilty of the charges his then-girlfriend, Jenny accused him of. I wasn’t the only girl he abused, but I got to make sure that he never gets the chance to do it again. He’s currently serving five years in prison for domestic violence, abuse, and a couple of other charges.” Jo paused. “I called you because I almost didn’t walk into that courtroom. I couldn’t bear the thought of being in the same room as him, even with everyone else around. But you always did have a way of making me feel like I could do anything.” 

The pair got quiet. They stood in the tense silence before Alex asked the question he’d been wondering since she walked in through those doors, “How long are you here for?”

“I’m here to stay,” Jo shared. “I’m Dr. Herman’s newest maternal-fetal surgical fellow. I came as soon as I could when I heard about the crash.”

“Maternal-fetal? What happened to ortho?”

“What happened to plastics?” Jo's mouth twitched up into a small smile. “So, peds, huh?”

“Turns out I’m great with those little suckers,” Alex chuckled lightly.

“Me too,” Jo smiled shyly. “I’m especially good when they’re in-utero though.” 

“Guess I’m the out guy,” Alex shrugged, a comfortable smile on his face. 

“Yeah,” Jo bit her lip lightly. “Where’s Izzie?”

“You don’t know?” 

“Don’t know what?” Jo tilted her head in question. “Oh God, don’t tell me she died or that her cancer is back.” 

“No,” Alex breathed out a laugh. “Well, honestly, I don’t know. We got divorced. I haven’t spoken to her since then.” 

“You what?” Jo’s jaw dropped. “What⎯when did this happen?” 

“About four months after you left.” 

“I need to go,” Jo gently moved Meredith’s head from her lap and slipped on her shoes, making her way towards the door.

“Where are you going? You just got here?” Alex moved close. “You can’t leave, not with Mer like this.” 

“Relax, I’ll be back before she wakes up. I just… I need to get out of here. I need to get away from you,” Jo walked out the door into the warm June night. 

She considered finding a hotel or going to the bar, but Jo was too exhausted from her four day trek to Seattle to go anywhere. She unlocked her car and jumped into the back seat, situating the seats so she could sleep there for the night and avoid the many, many problems until morning. 

In the days and weeks following, Jo became an invaluable asset to Meredith as she navigated the many hardships that came with the plane crash. She moved into her tiny apartment and Jo began her fellowship and started working at Seattle Grace Mercy West once again, to everyone’s pleasure. For the first time in forever, Jo was surrounded by people that she knew and loved, but she still couldn’t shake the feeling that she was utterly alone. Maybe it had to do with the fact that ever since that night she arrived, she hadn’t talked to Alex. Apparently he must’ve noticed, because one day he got fed up. 

“Jo, come on. Please talk to me,” Alex grabbed her arm and pulled her into an empty on call room. “You’ve been back for over a month. You’ve talked to our friends. You’ve been getting to know Avery. You got friendly with Kepner before she got fired. You helped Cristina pack her things to go to Minnesota. You can’t ignore me forever. You’re a fetal surgeon. We’ve already had five cases together this month alone. Are you just trying to hold out until I leave for Hopkins? Well guess what, I’m leaving tonight so time’s up. You need to talk to me.”

It was true. In the month since their conversation at the frat house, Jo and Alex had an unusually high number of cases together that required that they spend quite a lot of time together. However, aside from the hours in the OR that she was required to spend with him, Jo found herself purposely avoiding him. The past few days had been especially difficult for her as she found out some unexpected information and was doing her best to avoid him so as not to fall apart in his arms. 

“Shut up, Alex. Shut up before I punch you in the face, because I swear to God I am so angry with you right now,” Jo was seething, doing everything in her power to keep from screaming at him. 

“What the hell did I do? I haven’t had a chance to get on your nerves,” Alex scrunched his face in confusion.

“You haven’t had a chance?” Jo threw her arms up in the air. “You divorced Izzie?”

“First of all, she divorced me,” Alex held up a finger. “Secondly, why the hell do you care?”

“What do you mean why the hell do I care? How dare you screw this up? I left and practically handed you to her. But you went and divorced her? And now you’re some man whore who doesn’t care where he sticks it?” Jo threw her hands up angrily. “How the hell could you let Izzie go? Why didn’t you chase her and beg her to stay? Why didn’t you swear you’d do better? Why didn’t you fight for her?”

“Because she wasn’t the one I wanted to fight for!” Alex shouted. The room went silent. So quiet that you could probably hear a pin drop. The pair stared at each other tensely, no one daring to move. Alex finally huffed a breath. “I could’ve fought for her. I could’ve made it work. But I didn’t want to.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Yeah I know.”

“No, I’m serious Alex. Do you know how ridiculous you sound right now?” Jo clenched her jaw. “Why did you even marry her?”

“I��I don’t know,” Alex shrugged. 

“I don’t know? I don’t know? That’s probably the most moronic thing that I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth. And that’s saying something because you’ve said some pretty stupid things,” Jo turned to face the wall and leaned her head against it. “I told you not to do it. I told you not to marry her. I told you that I was willing to put my own safety at risk to be with you and you chose her. You still chose poor, sick Izzie. You chose her and broke every single one of the promises you made me. Then you got divorced? And you didn’t even bother trying to fight? What the hell was it all for?”

“Don’t act like you’re innocent in all this,” Alex scoffed. “You were the one who left me. With a fucking letter, of all things! You didn’t even have the decency to say it to my face.”

“Because you wrecked me!” Jo yelled. “I gave you everything I had to give. I let you into my life, my bed, my heart. And somewhere along the line you decided that I wasn’t good enough or worth the wait. And stop talking like we were together. We weren’t together when I left! We were never together because you squashed that possibility before we even got the chance!”

“It doesn’t matter because you were my best friend! You were my best friend and you left and didn’t say goodbye. You didn’t leave a phone number, an email, and address. Nothing. You just disappeared. And when you did, it felt like I was a kid all over again. With no one who loved him or cared around,” Alex retorted.

“That’s a load of bullshit,” Jo spat. “You had a wife. You had friends. You had your home. Me leaving didn't completely upend and disrupt your life! I lost my home. I lost my best friend. I lost the only family I had ever known all so that you could have a chance at making your marriage work. Because I knew that if I was around, you’d only feel guilty. So I took myself out of the equation. I did it for you! I loved you enough to lose you, to let you go. Do you have any idea the amount of pain I’ve been in the past three years? Wishing I was here in Seattle, but constantly reminding myself that I left so that you could have a happy life with Izzie and so that I could heal. So imagine what a punch in the gut it feels like to find out that you haven’t even been with Izzie. You’ve been sleeping around with anyone and everyone easy enough to let you get into their pants, while I was in pain, all alone in Florida with nothing and no one but my chief of surgery and my douchebag ex-boyfriend.”

“Well things weren’t exactly sunshine and rainbows here either! But you wouldn’t know because you weren’t here! You’re so wrapped up in how much it all cost you and how much you sacrificed, but I never asked you to do any of it! You decided what was best for the both of us. You decided to leave, when all I wanted was to have you around. Because I have never loved anyone in my life more than I loved you. And that probably sounds pretty screwed up because I married Izzie, but it’s true. Do you know what a slap in the face it was when you left? Do you know that I cried in shower every once in a while because I missed you? And it wasn’t even the sex. It was the friendship. I missed your voice and your laugh and your advice. I missed you. But you decided to pretend like we didn’t matter and didn’t bother to leave me a way to contact you. So, let me make this easier. We don’t matter to each other! Not anymore because I’m done!” Alex bellowed. He took a steadying breath and laughed bitterly. “You know what, it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m leaving tonight anyway and you’ll never have to see my face again. Have a nice life.”

Jo waited until Alex finally turned around and walked out of the on-call room before she crumbled onto the floor in tears. She pressed a hand to her chest and tried her will herself to calm down, but it was too much. None of it was supposed to be happening this way. She wasn’t supposed to come back to Seattle only to find out that Lexie died, Cristina left, and that Mark Sloan was getting unplugged tonight. She wasn’t supposed to see Alex at all. She wasn’t supposed to find out that he was divorced. She wasn’t supposed to watch him leave her. She wasn’t supposed to be making one of the hardest decisions in her life like this. Maybe that’s why she took out her phone and looked for Jason’s phone number and hit the dial button.

After he left the on-call room, Alex was a whirlwind, trying his best to make it to the airport with no more interruptions. What he didn’t bank on was running into Meredith. 

“Hey! So that’s it? I’m not even as good as one of your intern girls, huh? You’re not gonna say goodbye to me?” Meredith stood in front of him. 

“Mer, what are you doing here?” 

“Don’t change the subject,” Meredith narrowed her eyes. 

“Don’t make this a thing,” Alex rolled his eyes.

“Don’t make this a thing? Mark is dying right now, and that’s it. You’re just gonna leave too?” Meredith shook her head in disbelief.

“I’m just—I’m gonna be on the other side of the country. We’ll talk—“

“That’s what Cristina said. It’s not the same thing,” Meredith frowned. “Nothing is the same. Everything is different. Everyone is leaving and everyone is dying.”

“Don’t make this my problem,” Alex scowled. “I’m finally getting the hell out of here. I can’t keep standing around being the guy that should’ve been on the plane that crashed. I shouldn’t be here, Mer. I should be dead. Or I should’ve left months ago.” 

“Alex!” Meredith grabbed on to his jacket as he tried to walk away. 

“Get off,” he pushed her hand away. “Look, I’m not going to stay in Seattle just because you don’t want to be alone.”

“This isn’t about me not wanting to be alone. Because I won’t be alone. Jo’s here now, remember that? Remember the girl you’ve been in love with since our intern year? The one you’ve been pining over ever since she left three years ago? Well, you’re finally in the same city again. Are you really going to let that go?” Meredith stared at Alex intensely. 

“Jo doesn’t want me here. I just cause her pain,” Alex replied simply. “It’s time for me to go. I need to get out of Seattle Grace Mercy Death. I need to build a home and Hopkins won’t wait forever. I have a plane to catch, so, bye.”

With that, Meredith scoffed and turned on her heels, walking away. 

Alex watched as his friend walked away in anger and frustration. Shaking his head, Alex turned around and started towards his terminal. He was about to board the plane when he realized that he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave and upend his life without knowing that it was the right thing to do. 

That’s how he found himself sitting at the bar beside Meredith at the terminal lounge. 

“What are you doing here?” Meredith asked. 

“Hey! Who is that?” Cristina’s voice sounded from Meredith’s iPad. “Point me.” 

“I’m sorry about before,” Alex cast Meredith a sideways glance. 

“You should be,” Meredith raised an eyebrow and sighed. “I’m sorry, too.” 

“I thought he said he was leaving⎯I thought you said you were leaving,” Cristina commented. 

“The guy replacing Robbins is gonna mess the place up,” Alex moved his face into the view of the screen. “Besides, I don’t even like Boston.”

“So what are you saying?” Meredith scrunched her face.

“I couldn’t get on my plane, okay? I couldn’t go,” Alex admitted. 

“You’re saying you ditched the flight because you chickened out?”

“What a loser,” Meredith’s mouth twitched and she pulled Alex in for a hug. 

“You’re staying for Wilson right?” Cristina looked at him expectantly through the video chat. 

“I don’t know… maybe?” Alex shrugged. “All I know is that the thought of leaving without trying to at least fix my friendship with her makes me feel sick. I don’t even know why I care, though. She obviously doesn’t. She left me once, who’s to say she won’t do it again?”

“Wow, you are an even bigger idiot than I thought you were,” Cristina shook her head. “Of course she cares. Who do you think made your medical decisions or paid your bills after you got shot?”

“Wait, what?”

“Jo called me after the shooting. When we realized that she was your proxy, she took a plane to Seattle, decided on the best course of treatment, cried, held your hand for a little, and left all before you even had a chance to wake up,” Meredith shared. 

“She did?” Alex struggled to comprehend how he’d never known about her trip all those years ago to take care of him. 

“Yeah, she did,” Cristina nodded. 

“So, did you just ditch tonight’s flight and you’re planning on taking another one another day or are you going to stay for good?” Meredith waited for him to reply. 

“I don’t know yet,” he shook his head. “I don’t know what I should do.”

“I think you know what you need to do,” Meredith eyed him carefully. “Alex, you found your family in Seattle and now you have a second chance to fix things with Jo and you’re really going to leave?”

“You know, I’ve been trying to leave Seattle because for the longest it just didn’t feel like home,” Alex took a swig of the beer that the bartender had placed in front of him. “I felt like I didn’t belong. I wanted to go and find a place that felt like home, but I guess I’m realizing that home was never a place. It’s Jo. It was always Jo and now she’s here and I’m not about to be the idiot that runs away from home again.”

“So, you’re really going to try? You’re not gonna screw up and break her heart again? Because you know that Jo could do so much better than you?” Cristina asked pointedly. “I’m asking because I’m protective of my hairball and I won’t hesitate to come beat your ass if you do. Fear of flying be damned.”

Alex let out a soft laugh before growing serious again, “She deserves better. She deserves someone better than me. But I don’t want her with anyone else. So, I guess I’m just gonna have to be better. I have to become the man she deserves, because she’s everything. She’s home.”

-All I want-

-Is to be home-

[lovelyirony]

Hey, would you be open to IronAgent (Phil x Tony)? If yes, from the angst list (because /of course/ I look there first lol) 19: "Why did you wait until I moved on?" If you feel like it. Thanks! <3

never done this one before, but i like it! 

Tony isn’t used to heartbreak. He’s kind of an asshole like that. Or maybe he is used to heartbreak, but he’s not quite used to people admitting that they don’t like him like that. 

Phil Coulson was someone he met while at an orchestra with Pepper and showing up late and getting the wrong seat and falling asleep. 

He was the one who jabbed him awake and explained why the orchestra was so important, and Tony saw how much he could appreciate it, and he wanted more of it. 

So he asked. Phil said yes. And their first date was to a diner where Tony had to give Phil, like, eight quarters for the jukebox. 

He was different from anyone Tony usually saw. Different as in decent, different as in he wore a white button-up shirt nearly every single day, and Tony liked it, but he liked it more when it was a bit wrinkled and Phil broke down and unbuttoned the top two. 

They dated for eleven months and thirty days. They broke up in July. 

In retrospect, Tony can see why. Phil was always interested in specialized security and was one of the best people to stay calm under stress. (Tony joked that it was because of him.) 

Phil calls him in July. Tony is in Malibu, and Phil lives in Chicago, and he won’t allow Tony to pay for a plane or train ticket. 

Now he knows why. 

The phone call is short, mainly because Tony knows that he’s bursting with questions and Phil won’t answer them, because it’s considered rude to ask someone why they don’t want to choose you anymore. 

Tony says okay. He says okay on the phone, which sucks, and it’s...

He calls Rhodey next. 

“You okay?” 

“Probably. Maybe.” 

“You’ll be fine,” Rhodey says, in that tone of voice that Tony usually always trusts, but this time it’s different because Rhodey isn’t with him right now, he’s with his cousin in Florida trying to learn how to handle different beach-themed cocktails. Call it scientific research. 

“Listen,” Rhodey says, “I gotta go. Ben’s taking me to dinner, but call me when you need me, okay?” 

“Got it.” 

He’s not going to do that. 

- 

Phil joined SHIELD. You can’t have personal connections, not really. 

And Tony was as personal as they got, but he was also beneficial. Phil knows that if SHIELD ever caught wind of Tony being his, there would be talk. Talk about “why don’t you convince your boyfriend to get us weapons?” 

“Why don’t you bring Tony Stark over? Let us in on some secrets?” 

He can’t do that to him. 

And relationships...

Best not to think about it. 

- 

It takes longer than thought possible for Tony to get over Phil. In many respects, he might not be. 

But he goes out the next week and makes headlines dancing with all sorts of people and socializing and proving that he can move on. He will move on. He’s already moved on. 

He bitterly hopes that Phil can see it. 

(Phillip Coulson is busy fighting bad guys in a grocery store, but as he dodges a can of peaches being thrown at his head, he sees an overturned magazine rack. And there Tony is, smiling at a girl and-) 

- 

Tony keeps tabs on him, sometimes. He doesn’t often pop up. Tony doesn’t really look into security, because he knows that if he finds out where Phil is, what Phil is doing, it’s all he’s going to think about. And he can’t keep him safe, he can’t keep him protected. 

So he focuses on weapons and business and making sure that Pepper isn’t too pissed off, because it’s like Pompeii 2.0 if that happens. 

-

Coulson is in the office when the break-room TV is turned on and the news is up, and agents are crowding around. 

“Back to work, everyone,” he says, but he stops when he sees the headline. 

Tony Stark Declared Missing after Weapons Demonstration Gone Awry 

He can’t breathe. He feels everything slam down, and he can’t let anyone know it’s all coming down over his head, so he turns off the news. 

“Get focused,” he says. “I know at least one of you is supposed to be talking to our agents stationed in Liberia about a potential 084. Get it done.” 

He goes into his office and stares at a framed picture of a Ferris wheel. 

Just below that, folded up, is Tony kissing his cheek while he laughs. 

And it might be done. 

He wishes it wasn’t done, he wishes that he had never broken up with him. He’s always wished that, every single time he comes into his apartment and Tony’s plans for decorating their apartment when they both came back to Boston (Phil never did) were the talk of the night for many a night. 

He can’t request any special information. He can’t risk it, doesn’t want to risk it. 

Maria still catches him, because she’s Maria. She knows everything. 

“You got personal history with him,” she says over a mutual dinner. She invited him to her house. She didn’t seem like a house person, but then again she also has coasters with embroidered flower bouquets on them, so there’s that. 

“I’m not going to tell you anything about it.” 

“Wasn’t expecting you to. Just wanted to let you know that I know.” 

“And how would you know?” 

Maria smiles, biting into the pizza that she has ordered and Phil hasn’t touched, but still paid half for. 

“Because I’m smart and observant, Coulson.” 

“You can call me Phil, you know.” 

“Nope, rather not. But if you’re not discussing it, then it must have been romantic. I’m surprised you guys dated. For long, if I’m right.” 

“Under a year,” he says. 

“And you’re still this affected?” 

“I broke up with him,” Phil says. “You know why.” 

“You’re the dumbest ever,” Maria says. “You were dating the son of one of the best-known men of all time, and you think that you were putting his life in danger?” 

“When you put it like that, it makes me sound stupid.” 

“You’re not,” Maria says. “You’re smart. But Tony Stark isn’t exactly a saint. He knows how to fight dirty.” 

- 

Tony Stark just flew out of a cave and his first thought is the fact that he really wants a nice burger, and the second thought is that he’s wondered if he’s just invented something revolutionary. 

It’s about two weeks after everything and he’s still finding trouble with his standard mattress that he gets a visit. 

Strategic-Homeland-Whatever. 

They call themselves a private security firm. Tony knows better, has seen better liars. 

But Agent Barton is insistent that security is all they do, and they want to make sure that Tony Stark isn’t a danger to himself. 

(What he really means, most likely, is that SHIELD has caught on to the little fact that his flight suit exists.) 

-

Phil met Obadiah Stane exactly once, and exactly once is the only meeting you really need with a man who is the physical embodiment of an oil spill. 

Barton calls him, says that he needs to get there now, the mission is going wrong. Coulson’s his handler, and as much as he’d like to send Maria or Natasha or literally anybody else, he is worried. 

He finds Dum-E waving frantically, with Tony hunched over a counter and breathing hard, a blue light emanating from his chest. 

“Tony?” 

He turns around wildly, freezing as he looks at Phil. 

“I don’t have time to deal with you,” he pants out, breath ragged. “Move out of my way, and stay out of my way.” 

- 

Phil witnesses Tony in his element. He’s always flown above the rest, but never quite so literally. 

Pepper clutches Tony’s hand and he holds her close, and oh. 

Oh. 

Phil knows he shouldn’t have expected anything. He knows that it’s been years and years since they were dating, since they were each other’s everything and a half. 

But it still kind of hurts when you’re not a choice. 

They turn to look at Coulson. 

“I assume that Clint is yours?” Tony asks. 

“One of them, yes.” 

“He needs to get better about lying, he clearly ate my leftover sandwich.” 

“I’ll...talk to him about that. Everyone okay here?” 

“For now. Need to tie up some loose ends.” 

“I can help with that.” 

“I don’t need it,” Tony says, and Pepper follows his gaze carefully before speaking. 

“We would love the help,” she says, and Phil can tell that she doesn’t know. 

Somehow-and Phil’s not quite sure how-that burns. Tony didn’t tell her about them. It’s egotistical of him, sure, but he kind of wants to be known as a part in Tony’s life. 

SHIELD gets involved. They clean up Stane like he was never there, and there’s a press release about him having a heart attack in his sleep that is clearly not the case, but there are enough pictures of him eating unhealthily that it can kind of make sense when people look at some shitty news source. 

Phil makes flashcards. 

Reminds him of studying days, when he used to quiz Tony on Captain America trivia. 

He stumped him, once. 

- 

Tony doesn’t like that Phil’s back in his life. He doesn’t have to like it. 

But really, it just...

They used to be together. And they didn’t end because it got bad, they ended because Phil had a job and he didn’t want to be a couple because that would somehow ruin things. And Tony got it, really. The board wasn’t exactly pleased that Tony wasn’t hush-hush about his activities. 

“What’s gonna happen, they’re gonna sue me? Ask me to stop?” Tony had asked, laughing. “I don’t give a shit what people think. They rely on me too much to afford to have an opinion cloud their judgment.” 

Phil isn’t like that. 

They danced together. He still remembers Phil’s order for food. 

(Lo Mein with veggies, but he would never eat all of the veggies that were in there. Plus egg rolls.) 

-

“If you just read the flash cards, you should be fine,” Phil says. “Trust me.” 

“You waited to tell me that until I moved on or something?” Tony asks sardonically. 

- 

Tony listened to Phil twice in his life and trusted him. 

The first was six months in, when he said “I love you” while they were lounging on the worst couch that Tony had ever sat in, in an apartment with a leak during rainy days. 

The second was when Phil told him to live his life to his full potential on a short phone call. 

Fool me once, fool me twice, and never again. 

“The truth is...I am Iron Man.” 

[fpinterviews]

Alex Prager

FP: Your career began at a very early age, and you’ve achieved much success in such a short time. How did you get involved in photography?

AP: Actually, I didn't get my first camera until I was 20. Before that, the thought of photography hadn't even crossed my mind past taking below-average snapshots on trips I took. I came back to Los Angeles after living in Florida and Switzerland off and on for 4 years, and when I finally settled in with a job and an apartment, I realized that I had no idea what I was doing with my future, and that kind of excited me. I was at a point where I had to make up my mind about what I was going to focus on as an adult. It was exciting because I was starting from nothing, therefore every career in the world was an option. All I had to do was get the education for whatever I decided I wanted to be. I started going to a lot of art shows. I already knew I wanted to be some kind of an artist, I just didn't know what medium I wanted to work in. I went to these shows alone because I didn't want anyone around swaying my opinion. Anyway, a couple weeks went by of going to museum and gallery shows, and then one day I ended up at the Getty where William Eggleston happened to have a show up. The moment I saw his work I knew that I wanted to be a photographer. I looked at every picture over and over for hours and when I was finished I bought his book. A week later, I had everything I needed to become a professional photographer. After that, I read every book I could find that had anything to do with photography. I made a little darkroom in my bathroom and I was in there every night till 3 in the morning processing my film and enlarging the pictures I had taken. After I got home from work, I used to go around my apartment building photographing still objects like a washing machine or a door, and then I'd go right into my darkroom and make an enlargement of the picture. When it was dry I'd go back to the thing I had taken a picture of and I'd tape my picture right on top of it. It would look kind of surreal. I guess those were my first art shows. Sometimes, when I'd go back to look at it, the picture would be gone and I'd imagine that someone had seen it taped up there and liked it enough to take it home with them.

FP: You’ve published an amazing book called "The Book Of Disquiet: The Seven Deadly Sins,” a collaborative piece with artist Mercedes Helenwein. In it, your work has a surreal through-the-looking-glass quality, reflecting both the glamorous and the perverse. How did the book come to be?

AP: Well, Mercedes and I had just finished a show called 'America Motel' that involved us taking 2 trips across the country. She wrote, I took pictures and our friend Beth Riesgraf documented the trips with her Super 8. The show was great. With the help of our friend, Jason Lee, we rented out an entire motel in downtown Los Angeles and basically turned it into an installation. My photographs were hung on the walls of each room like motel art, Mercedes' book was on the night stands in place of the Bible, and Beth's film was being played on each television. It was awesome. After this, Mercedes and I decided we wanted to do another project together, but this time she was going to do drawings. We had both been really affected by the people we met while driving through Middle America, and coming back to Los Angeles was such a dramatic shift in culture that we both, in our own ways, came to conclusion that our next show should be based on The Seven Deadly Sins. It just seemed like the obvious choice. I thought it would be really cool to do a book of our pictures in the style of a cardboard children's book because The Seven Deadly Sins theme was already really dark I thought it would lighten things up a little by adding some humor.

FP: Diane Arbus once remarked that “a photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you, the less you know.” That seems to be fitting for your work. Do you have an intention in mind before you shoot and then stage things or is it more of an organic process once you start?

AP: I guess it's a little bit of both. Although I don't entirely agree with Diane Arbus. On their own photographs are more like incomplete stories, and the missing chapters are filled in differently by each person who looks at it. In other words, a piece of art is only done once it has an audience to communicate to. Everyone has their own experiences, their own story, and when they look at a picture, they're probably going to somehow relate it to something they've already seen or experienced. Since we all have different pasts, I like to think that no two people can see a picture the same way. As far as how I make the photograph, I always have some kind of idea of what I'm going to shoot beforehand. How general or specific it is doesn't really matter because once I start, I try not to think at all.

FP: Who are your primary influences?

AP: William Eggleston, Stephen Shore, Loretta Lux, Philip-Lorca Dicorcia, Diane Arbus, Helmut Newton, Brassai, Annie Leibovitz, Guy Bourdin. Painters are John Currin, Egon Schiele, Toulouse-Lautrec, Bruegel, Gustav Klimt, Lucian Freud, Balthus. Filmmakers include Alfred Hitchcock, David Lynch, Peter Greenaway, Federico Fellini, Victor Fleming. Musicians include Bob Dylan, Joy Division, The Beatles, The Pixies,  Spoon, The Kinks, Bjork, David Bowie, Elvis Costello, Elliott Smith, The Smiths, etc.

FP: Can you talk a bit about your technique and how you use high-gloss plexiglass?

AP: I like the saturation that you get by face-mounting color photographs to plexi-glas, but I don't always use this process. For my next series, I'm mounting the pictures to Sintra Board from behind so nothing will touch the front of them.

FP: Where do you find your models? Are they friends?

AP: It depends. Sometimes a friend will work out perfectly for a shot I had in mind, other times I'll see someone on the street or in a magazine and I'll get in touch with them and ask if they'll pose for me. Another place that can be good for finding models is modeling agencies! What!? I know, weird...

FP: Since your sister is featured in this issue as well (painter Vanessa Prager), I assume you come from a very creative family…

AP: Hmm.. 'Creative family' implies that they we grew up in a family of artists, which we did not, but our parents, and grandmother (who helped raise us), are definitely the opposite of Middle Class in the way of thinking. They're creative in the sense of the freedom they gave us. They always left it up to us to decide what our goals were going to be, and no matter how far-fetched they were they'd back us up 100%. One day when I was 15, I told my parents I wanted to learn how to play the guitar, and literally the next day they had bought me a guitar and had lessons lined up for me whenever I was ready to start taking them. When I was 14 I had the opportunity to work at a knife shop in Switzerland for 4 months with my best friend who was also 14, and they let me go not only that year, but every year after that until I didn't feel like going anymore. I don't think many parents would let their kids have this much self-determinism at such a young age. I'm sure this influenced my sister and I to becoming artists.

FP: What advice would you give for anyone young trying to break into the business?

AP: Some of the best advice I ever got when I first started was from a painter friend of mine, Bryten Goss, he told me not to talk to any photographers for 1 full year and during that year to always have my camera on me, take as many pictures as possible and find other photographers and artists I like and study their work. That first year is really important because you're so new at it that you can be misguided and influenced really easily, so trusting yourself to be able to learn what you need to know on your own enough to start getting pictures you can be proud of is important.

FP: In what direction do you see your work heading currently? And where can we next see your work?

AP: For the past year or so, I've been working on a series of pictures called 'POLYESTER' and I'll be exhibiting these in my first ever solo show in April at the Robert Berman Gallery at Bergamot Station in Santa Monica. With this show, I wanted there to be a staged, retro quality to the images while keeping them modern. Almost like the people in my pictures are kind of bad actors dressed up and playing roles from movies in the 60's.