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dreamyzhou · 26 days

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Two Pawn War

Pairing: enemy!chanhee and fem!reader

Genre: worn out students!enemies to friends (?) AU

Words: 4,3k

Warnings: both you and Chanhee are high school students and are enemies there, verbal abuse from mother, substances, talks about mental health, mention of clowns, terminologies of chess, pre-calculus (you will still understand even if you don’t understand any of them deeply)

Inspired by: Law and Order SVU (Season 10 Episode 12) and my own experiences

Premise: You were high school students, yearning for a mother’s love. You’d do anything for it, even if it meant antagonising a boy for a conditional one. As you grew older, you both realised none of the fights were worthy… might as well be with one another.

Dedicated to three people. First, a fellow Chanhee-biased, Sana @sanaxo-o. Second, the chaotic Izzy @from-izzy who still bombarded my discord and this account despite me being inactive. Finally, Mona @quaissants, my closest friend out of the server. This took me almost 4 months to write, because I was heavily depressed, but you brought me back up.

Tagging: @deoboyznet

2nd of 31st Alternate Universe by Ellie unlocked by Chanhee.

You were a puppet. A doll orchestrated to compliment your mother’s image. You had your own life, but living it didn’t matter. You didn’t win anything if you reached your own dream, since you spent about seventeen years not knowing what they were. All you wanted was your mother’s love and there was hope to get it. As long as you did whatever she asked, her love will be earned.

She ignored you every morning until you came back with a 100 on a test paper or anything equivalent to that. In return you get acknowledgements… of your existence. While your friends thought knowing one’s existence is the least anyone can do when having a parent-child relationship, for you it was a reward.

Though, something changed one time. You remembered when it was the start of Year 1 of Junior High. A woman and her son appeared to apply for the school. Your mother happened to be there to check for that year’s syllabus and the extracurricular lists, a habit that she happened to be obsessed with. When your mother and this one woman saw each other, you swore you never saw two people turn so sour as they saw each other. She approached that woman with you following her, clueless

“What is this, Choi? Stalking my daughter now, is that it?” Her mouth foamed from anger’s toxicity.

“Oh please…” That woman laughed wickedly at your Mum, probably the only person you had seen to ever do that. You were a little impressed for a second.

“Do you think you and your daughter are worth stalking? This school is the best school in the country. I’m pretty sure you admitted her here for the name, not to take advantage of the intelligence the school can put in her head.”

“You need to watch your mouth. One of these days, someone is going to attack you for it.”

“Ma’am, is there a problem here?” There was a man with a black shirt with trousers with the most pockets you’ve seen, and a belt with a security stick.

“No… These two might be attacking me, but all they end up doing is tickling me. It’s hilarious. Let’s go, Chanhee.” As the woman and the son left accompanied by the security officer, your mother positioned herself to be in front of you and locked her eyes on yours.

“Listen to me. I don’t give a damn what you have to do, you come home better than the kid, you hear me? If he got 100 in a Math test tomorrow, you come home 100 average in the whole Math course—”

“But why? Who are they?” Your mom leaned to your face with hers that expressed great disgust, as if speechless that a kid cut her words off.

“Should I put your mattress on the porch, Y/N?” The anxiety rose, starting to take your breaths away, choking your throat.

“No, Ma’am.” Your voice broke a little. She corrected her posture in front of you.

“Good. Don’t let me down.” She left you to go to the car.

You didn’t go with her, since you knew she’d be surprised you had the nerve to go to the car with her, when you were supposed to walk to your summer tutoring class. It was not because she didn’t love you enough to drive you there willingly… right?

You joined the sword battle reluctantly, thinking that if you brought a spoon, the battle shouldn’t have to exist within you and him.

But no.

You learned as soon as you took out your hand for him to shake and from the way he just stared at it and didn’t introduce his name, he was bringing his own Excalibur.

It felt like he, too, was with your Mum in this one.

You learned quickly that his name was Choi Chanhee. Your mother applied you to more than the maximum number of extracurricular activities a student can apply for in the school. You were never allowed by your Mum to go back home with a wrinkle on your uniform to show your diligence as a person. No button is off from the collar or loosened messy tie to show potential rebellion phase in puberty age.

You had to show up to school, proving you were the best. All that, when you already were. You just weren’t the best in your mother’s eyes.

Snap!

You’d been a little bit too focused on how you’ve gotten in this chair lately. One minute, you were thirteen, seeing Chanhee for the first time. Next, you were in the present time, seventeen years old in the final year of high school. The kids were exiting the class, talking about the meal they were going to have for brunch. While you just stood there, taking a photographic memory of what was written on the chalkboard.

“Find the centre and vertices of the hyperbola… square root of eleven-X…” You were whispering to yourself, but truth be told, this was what you called anxiety rush.

You were speeding with your terrible handwriting, taking just one question out of the five presented by Ms. Hong, making sure you picked the most difficult one so that you were sure you could solve the other four if you could solve the one you picked.

Done!

You left your seat and went to the back of the classroom, once all the students emptied out the room. There were lockers for students who studied in the room. You opened Locker 18, taking this used vitamin bottle. You stopped to look at the five pills inside: three orange capsules, and two white tablets.

You were running out.

You shut your eyes feeling the guilt of ruining your body as your throat felt the bitter bits. Effects weren’t instant but you could feel the hypersomnia creating bigger sacks of blue eyebags caused by the white Provigil and the plastic-tasted Adderall.

Clang!

Shutting off the locker drawer, you walked to the cafeteria with hands trembling; a usual habit your body owns when you feel like you have sinned. You had to put up the “just-like-any-other-day” face, but deep down? It was… something that shouldn’t have been normal.

Eating with Jacob, Kevin, and Eric was the only thing that made you feel human. There were 3 kids acknowledging that you deserve them and maybe to share stories and food. They were there when you didn’t want the other kids to understand your talks in English.

“So, finals in 2 weeks… wanna study at mine when school’s over?” Kevin suggested.

“Sure!” Jacob smiled gently.

“I’m down. I don’t have a basketball club today.”

“Sorry. Chess.” The three fell silent whenever the word ‘chess’ came out of your mouth.

They knew what it meant. Duels with Chanhee that always ended up with upset nights and sometimes verbal fights with Chanhee. Mr. Ryu might be impressed how genius both of you are in playing chess, but oh the grey hair that grew out of the teacher’s scalp when you both fought.

Chess came eventually. Mr. Ryu believed competition is the best way to better oneself, which you didn’t agree with entirely. He forgot the harm in self comparison when competition happens, which makes competition ineffective sometimes. His principle resulted in you being paired with Chanhee, since the competition results were too constant. You could have 4 terrific wins, but he would catch up with his own 4 just-as-terrific wins.

So there you were, in front of Chanhee, not even bothered to stare at each other. You placed the black wooden pieces on the chess board. In times like these, where you prepare yourself for extracurricular class, Mr. Ryu hated waiting. Before the class started, Mr. Ryu expected all the pieces to be on top of the board, ready to be played. This resulted in those who were paired together to help out their opposition across the board to put on the chess pieces.

Both of you were petty, though. Things like helping out would never happen.

“Alright, today I want you both to play, the winner will get a higher score by 5 points in their extracurricular grade if you play without using the ‘pawn-centre-square’ method as your first 5 moves, to earn another 2 points. Please start strategizing. The first person to tell me they're ready to play is to play against their opponent, even when the opponent isn’t ready with their own strategy. Then, all of us watch their match. We’ll discuss mistakes and blunders. Today’s focus is about having the upper hand when it comes to strategizing from the beginning. This is what makes a good chess player. Whether or not you can fool your opponent in the beginning to make them fall for your traps. Whether or not your vulnerable moves confuse them enough for them not to capture you when you are at those moves. The lesson lies in your mind games and strategizing skills.” Mr. Ryu explained the task.

“Ready!” You quickly said, not knowing Chanhee said the same thing.

“As usual. All right, gather around kids! Let’s watch the prodigies.” You hid a wince, the word no longer pleasant to hear but only brought heavy pressure on your shoulders.

Chanhee had the white pieces so he moved first. As soon as he placed the pawn in front of his king piece, so did you, but by 2 squares. Then he moved his pawn in front of his knight piece.

“Mistake.” A high-pitched voice exclaimed.

“Nope.” Mr. Ryu replied to the student, which was something you wished you could deny at the time, but you weren’t sure.

You moved your bishop piece to B4, where you can capture a pawn in front of the queen. He moved his knight to F3, which confused you.

“Uh… Mistake?” Someone hesitantly said, while you deep down thought it wasn’t. It was more of a move that could make or break a long-game takeover plan, which you had to figure out by now.

You moved your bishop from B4 to get rid of the pawn Chanhee had on D2, the one that was in front of his queen, making a check on his king.

“Check!” You said.

“Doesn’t mean anything if your strategy is too easy to figure out and your mind is too vulnerable to be read. Chanhee has the upper hand from the beginning.” Just from Mr. Ryu’s words…. you got a déjà vu.

Snap! You’d been a little bit too focused on how you’ve gotten in this chair lately— Clang! Shutting off the locker drawer, you walked to the cafeteria with hands trembling; a usual habit—

“Blunder…” You whispered as your eyes widened at your bishop’s position.

“What were you thinking, Dollie?” Mr. Ryu asked, gently.

You checked the class calendar. It was Wednesday. You had Chess. You had to be at your best when you go against Chanhee. You shouldn’t had taken those pills. What is happening?

“Continue, Chanhee…” Mr. Ryu said. It was obvious what Chanhee’s next move was.

His queen captured your bishop…. You didn’t know what to do. You had to go back to one of your pawns and let them do their frontline jobs. You moved the pawn in front of the queen also by 2 squares to the front.

“Extra 2 points coupon is no longer valid, because you used the ‘pawn-centre-square’ method on the 4th move.” Now all you were was a prodigy who just lost their intelligence and dignity because of 2 wooden chess pieces.

You could feel your brain tightened and loosened in the pace of your elevated heartbeat. Pounding. Soon enough, the bell rang, you looked behind you, but then the students were bewildered as they shot their stares onto you. The ringing lost its vibrations and turned into a flatlining machine sound. You could feel your neck getting hot and sweating, even when it was a chilly autumn day.

“Y/N, are you alright?” Mr. Ryu asked.

Gravity was pulling you down to the ground. You knew the floor wasn’t going to be a cushion, but you couldn’t fight where your body wanted to take you. So you closed your eyes as you felt heavy, landing on the wooden floor, not even fighting yourself.

“Y/N!” The last sound coming out of a student’s voice before the world distorted in your eyes and the shadows of unconsciousness dimmed the lights in your body, putting you to sleep.

Even in your dreams, everything was pitch black. You realised your body grew tired of this competition. You realised the girl who used all of her to beat one boy for the sake of proving her worth to her mother is gone. The body that gave up its night time sleep for the sake of one more Chemistry homeworks, the hand that wrote Trigonometry formulas faster than anybody, and the eyes that had determination to follow words in Literature books from left to right so rapidly, the ears that listen to Economy lecture finally grew tired of the words like ‘stocks’ and ‘values’.

You woke up in the first aid room, vision spinning as if you were the centre of the universe, motion blurring as you felt like your brain in the clouds, floating and light, but pounding along with the drum of your heartbeat.

Your mother was there, fighting with your school’s principal and the school’s nurse. The tension and the noise only added to the pain on your head. You grunted, catching the attention of the three fighting adults.

“Let's go.” Your mother gave an unreadable, cold tone.

You knee what your worst fear was, but you didn’t know what it felt like. For years, you avoided it by scoring 4.0 GPA for every year, being the top student, even going to an intelligence-measuring war with a boy. So now that it was happening, you lost the abilities to do all of those. You lost the one thing you needed in order to be your mother’s daughter: your mind.

“Mum—”

“Shut your mouth. Follow me home.” Your mother turned around and walked, not even looking back knowing she got you wrapped around her finger in the name of fear.

The principal and the nurse looked down on the floor, surrendering too. You got off the creaky bed, vision still spinning. Grabbing your heavy backpack, you felt your legs couldn’t even strengthen themselves for you to walk properly. You saw a digital clock that displayed the day of the week: FRI, 09:18 AM. Okay, what the hell? Despite the bewilderment, you ran after your mother with those weak legs and shifting centre of gravity.

“Mum, please wait—” You fell on the wooden floor of the locker hallway.

Just in time, the kids in school were exiting from every door to the hallway. It was break time and every student could see the commotion of you on the ground. Your mother spun to face you and approached. She lifted her right shoe, bringing your jaw up. It was probably the most gentle, yet the most humiliating action she had ever done to you. Most students locked their curious gaze on you and froze in their place, gasping and murmuring.

“You’re not my kid.”

These four syllables rolled easily and clearly from her mouth. She wore this expression that somehow showed the whole school that if you ever claim her your mother… it would be humiliating to her.

You looked around, faces of pity were on you like creepy clowns haunting kids from afar, except this time in a large volume.

However… you caught him right there. Black hair, pale skin, small face, gentle soft features. It was the first time you saw him wearing a shocked and empathetic expression.

You hated it.

You were at the rock bottom, but you were being pulled away to Mariana Trench where you wouldn’t ever come back. You failed so much that your enemy had chosen to give you empathy. You failed so much that your mother was disowning you in a commotion with everyone’s eyes on the both of you as if she was setting a good example.

You were ruined… Who do you live for, now?

Who do you fight Chanhee for, now? Who do you get good grades for, now? All these questions had no answer, but one thing you knew certainly was… the person you fought everything for… never fought for you.

Maybe that was why this public disowning act felt like a tight chain busting from your chest. You were finally breathing… and free.

She turned around and walked away. You slowly got up and stood where you were. Letting the backpack slip away from your arms, you looked at her back once more.

“HARGH!” You roared, throwing the bag to her back.

She turned around in disbelief, eyes wide at yours, frozen in place.

“And you were never a mother! Let alone mine!” Your throat tightened as you shouted.

You shook your head slowly, tears flowing on your cheeks. It felt your ribs were imploding and tightening your heart.

“How could a mother make her child treat home like a shop for love and the child has to pay with good grades as currency? How could a mother tell her child to beat her competitor’s son by making sure the child goes to school solely for that purpose? As if the child is nothing but a soldier to deploy for war that she never caused!” Your throat hurt as you screamed, expressing to the world how much pain you went through.

A warm tear slipped on your cheek. You usually felt embarrassed to even tremble in front of everybody, but this time ‘care’ was no longer present. Your mother bit the insides of her cheeks, eyes widening in rage, fists clenching.

“Will you even love me if I’m not smart?” You choked, waterfall streaming from your eyes to your jaw.

“Y/N, don’t bring up love. I loved you enough to put up with you. You just don’t respect me enough to come back home and repay it. I hope you know it’s equal to unrequited mother-daughter love.” She walked away once more.

It was then you knew you weren’t welcomed home anymore. Yet, the feeling evoked after knowing so was like a liberty given to a pet on a leash. It was like… the world was really your oyster now and you knew there were going to be pearls.

You looked around once more, locking your eyes with Choi Chanhee. Why were there… tears on his cheeks?

“Hey… We can stay with you at Jacob’s house tonight…” Kevin held your shoulders as Eric and Jacob surrounded you, shielding you from the sharp pierces of pity gazes.

The night passed with your friends, trying hard to lift your mood up. It was only then they realised after your body was glued to the spare bed Jacob had for about 3 hours, that this was more than a mood downhill. This was a life downhill. They realised that as much as they were your friends since forever, they could never understand the pressure of impressing for the sake of receiving, supposedly, mandatory parental love.

That was how they came into Jacob’s bedroom with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s for each person. Eric gave your favourite pint of flavour, while sitting on the lower bunk bed across the bunk bed you occupied. Jacob and Kevin hiked up the top, scooping the cold dessert.

“Spill your thoughts, girlie.” Kevin said.

You sat up, throat bubbling with groans.

“You all saw what happened…”

“No, we don’t mean that one.” Jacob gently responded as he scooped his own spoonful of ice cream.

“Yeah… we meant the Chess class on Wednesday until this morning. How come you blacked-out for two days?” Eric’s eyes were a pair that thought there was something fun or dramatic to know about.

“I’ve been… using medications to stay awake and study.” The revelation shocked the three boys in front of you.

“...Do..." Kevin hesitated. "Do you need help?”

Opening the pint, you scooped up your favourite flavour. That was when you saw that happiness lost its definition. It was as if seeing black and white in a world full of rainbows. Tasting the neutrality of water in a world full of Ben and Jerry’s and cakes. You lived for a baseless baseline until it went flatline.

“...Yeah. I think I do.” Tears started streaming.

For four months, with the help of your Anglophone friends, you were progressing in tapering off. Staying under the Bae family’s roof, you somehow became the little sister that they adopted. Your mother never reported it as kidnapping whatsoever. Though it looked like her new journal paper that talked about the theory of time became a good expression of her anger towards you.

But during those four months, you quitted something else other than your overproductivity pills: Choi Chanhee. You left every club where Chanhee was in. Never again did you challenge Chanhee in every teacher’s question.

But it seemed like Chanhee was the one experiencing withdrawal because of it. He was the one with tears as the school ended. He was the one who couldn’t chew his food in the canteen.

Another rising sun for this old Earth, you were early in school, playing chess on your own. For once chess wasn’t something to dread, but something fun just like the purpose of a game should be. But soon, the door behind you creaked. You looked behind you and saw a surprised Chanhee.

This was weird. You had unleashed yourself from academic pressure that shouldn’t exist and you took liberty for yourself, but somehow it made your relationship with Chanhee strange, but you couldn’t point where.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N.” You felt curiosity tilting your head.

“What do you mean?” Chanhee walked to the chair in front of you and sat.

“Apparently, we don’t know each other at all. Despite making each other our mission to finish when we wake up and go to school… we don’t know anything about each other.” He was right.

Maybe that was the point where it was weird.

You nodded slowly, but also indicated for him to keep talking.

“... I’m like you, you know…” Chanhee tidied the pieces you finished playing with.

“I go home, telling my mother the bounty-hunting result— if you will. Then, I get my cash. Wasn’t like other kids who love seeing dead presidents on coloured paper. Just want the invisible warmth of a recognition coming from one woman.” Chanhee then put the pieces on the chess board, according to their places; his side was the white one.

“But… why? Education got me far enough to tell me that nobody should live to serve a person that deeply. I get it, you know… I’m a child. I need her love, her attention— The things that a juvenile inmate lacks from a mother, I need it. But… from a woman who expects me to be good first?” Chanhee looked up to your eyes.

“Why…” He disguised his cracked voice with a whisper.

“But just so you know… without you, I lost something too.” Chanhee cleared his throat after whispering those words.

“We don’t know each other, yet after freeing ourselves from Mommy… we end up freeing ourselves from each other…. when we don’t even know each other.” Chanhee placed one of his pawns forward that blocked his queen, two squares in front.

“When we don’t even know ourselves…” He placed yours that blocked your king, also two squares, now adjacent to his that he moved.

“.... because we were so lost…” His pawn knocked yours down, making it lie horizontal on the board.

Then, he took his queen and placed it beside his pawn that he used.

“....in impressing our little queen.”

The sight of the three pieces in the centre of the board resembled her life… and apparently his as well. A queen mother tall and enjoying the sight of the knocked down enemy with her pawn.

“We forget that life had other pieces and that we were in control. That we played the pieces and we were not the pieces itself. When you’re not the pawn, the game goes on because the player doesn’t die. We forget that though life is not a game— just like chess sometimes may not just be a game, it may be a career or a hobby to invest in— we can still be supportive of one another during checkmate.” Chanhee looked at you once more.

“We were so lost in the wrong war… that all we know of is the ugliness— the desperation of wanting to live on and in war like these… especially like our pawn…. you play with your life. We were so lost that I only know your violence… but once that war is done…. I don’t know who you are behind that galea.”

Chanhee leaned back to his seat then watched the birds during the spring sunrise.

“I lost my purpose in life because of that. And my Mum is getting busier. She gets even more jealous with your mother with that new theory of time paper. These days, I don’t come here to earn her love anymore. And it seems like you don’t want to be in this war. And you know what? I get it… It’s peaceful… No more war…” Chanhee turned his head to you.

“It’s not worth it… Not worth getting stressed out for… My Mum’s love I mean…” Chanhee lent out his hand for a handshake.

“So again…. Now that the war's over... Toss that galea away like a graduation cap. Let's get to know each other... Nice to meet you, Y/N.”

Somehow, that was the most peaceful speech you ever heard. It felt like forgiveness by the gods and now your life would be a bit easier. You no longer had to wonder why won’t we work out, even as friends?

You smiled and shook his hand.

“Nice to meet you too, Chanhee.”

#dreamyzhou fic #deoboyznet #choi chanhee #tbz #the boyz #choi chanhee x reader #tbz chanhee #chanhee #dreamyzhou #tbz new #dreamyzhou the boyz chanhee #chanhee angst #chanhee fluff

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no-see-um-incorrect · 1 year

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You guys asked for it

Here are some more Milo and Sweetheart headcannons for the soul

: sweetheart can’t sit still. They’re always swaying from side to side, fidgeting with their ring, bouncing their leg. There’s no keeping them still.

: The first thing sweetheart said when meeting Milo’s mom was “Now I see where Milo gets his good looks from”

(🎶 Milo’s mom has got it going on🎶 ignore me I beg of you)

: Milo watches Law and Order SVU. He thought all that crushing on Olivia and Fin. Somehow manifested sweetheart

: sweetheart has a sweet tooth. So it’s common for Milo to receive this text

“Baby~💕 can you ask Asher if he’s planning on baking anything…..anytime soon…Plz”

: sweetheart and Milo are bluey enjoyers

: there is always a jug of chocolate milk in their fridge, and if they run out, it’s not for very long

: One time Milo accidentally elbowed sweetheart, in the face. he felt so bad. so so bad.

“OH FUCK! I’m so sorry sweetheart..are you OK?! Are you bleeding at all?! I’m so fucking sorry!”

It was never that serious. And sweetheart tried to tell him that…keyword Tried.

: Sweetheart enjoys irritating the fuck out of Christian. A little scare here and there, a small dick joke once in a while….you know little things

: if Milo is working a job near sweetheart's office he will surprise them with lunch When he’s on his break.

: Milo doesn’t like to drive he likes to walk everywhere if he can (and if the people he’s with let him)

I’m going to make a playlist for Milo and sweetheart sooooo leave some song suggestions. Forgive me if there’s any spelling errors.

#redacted asmr #redacted audio #redacted headcanons #writing #incorrect quotes #redacted incorrect quotes #redacted milo #redacted sweetheart #can you tell he’s my favorite

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be-side-my-self · 10 days

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Rewatch of Only Murders In The Building to prepare for season 4 (II)

<Part I> Block #OMITBRewatch if you don’t want to read notes that will have spoilers up to seasons 3. Just to make it clear, while quoting, I use M, O, C for the main characters.

S1 E5

C: "You're a simpleton." O: "Damn it! I didn't get that! Can you call me a simpleton again?" C: "You're a simpleton." O: "Thank you!"

Oscar and Mabel meeting again! ... but certainly there could have been better ways than creepily following her in a bright hoodie. Well, at least it wasn't a black hoodie.

It is so cute how Charles wants to believe in Mabel. He is right though, but it certainly does not look like Mabel is innocent that moment. She is after all driving away with Tie-dye Guy.

New York traffic looks like hell.

Again, it's great that Charles wants to believe in Mable and Oliver is like "it has to be her!"

Oscar: "I saw you once with those guys that look like retired cops. Was one of them that Brazzos guy?"

O: "Search 'Charles-Haden Savage fat.' Ooh! Look at the ass on papa."

The car is really beautiful though.

So, why did the first call go on voicemail and the second one not? Didn't Mabel had reception? But why did Charles? ... shouldn't they all use the newest iphones?

O: "It's tough... to believe that she could be... this duplicitous, I know. Tougher because you're a closed-off person. And Mabel made you... open up and trust people for the first time. So now, the thought that she might not be who she seems has you questioning it all." O: "Okay, I gotta try that again. That was very fake sounding." C: "You fucker!"

Yeah well how could you have missed that, Mabel? You were sitting on the floor, surrounded by jewelry.

Charles and Oliver really are besties.

Lucius: "Sure I follow people all the time." - ... it surely will be fine...

Honestly though I celebrated Roy Wood Jr. having a small role.

Love how the two black guys show off to the two white guys.

Also I respect Oscar's dream of starting a Yoga-studio.

The scene in the tattoo shop is great... confusing and everything is happening at the same time.

S1 E6

Detective Williams... got it.

"Herman's Head" sounds like "Inside Out" ... I never saw " Inside Out."

The scene of the Detective and her wife is really good. Because the detective is a great character. She gets so many plus points later on. She might be one of my favorite characters.

Whoop Dee Doo, Mabels Mom

Mabels Mom: "Have you ever felt that there was something you screwed up so bad, you will never fogive yourself." C & O: "... well...." Mablels Mom: "For me it was letting her spend time at the damn apartment. Please let her be. Let her move forward. Not back."

Okay but maybe Mabel needs that as a closure?

M: "Don't do Tik Tok." <- Good advise for anyone!!

C: "You know it's a law of nature. Nothing good ever happens on Long Island."

You might not know each other a lot but you are still best friends, Charles and Oliver.

Mable had a crush on Stabler from CSI: SVU... i've watched a few episodes but I don't remember much.

M "Why was Tim after the ring that Zoe had on the night she died?"

Now I remember what happened. Sometimes it just takes some time.

Gotta say that the romance between Oscar and Mabel is cute... even if tragic. They liked each other before the whole awful thing happened.

Really... Jimmy Fallon shout out for the podcast. Everyone will go listen to it.

Teddy is hardcore... good character but holy shit.

O: "You know my phone settings... I am not a rando!"

They are besties!

Food is really the best peace offering.

M: "But you guys... Are you really gonna make me say it?" C: "I kinda like to hear the words, yes." O: "Also rank us. I'm dying to know who your favorite is."

It's Charles, Oliver. Mabel likes Charles more.

It's Tim Kono's phone!

C: "That is right, our prime sponsor is now our prime suspect."

S1 E7

Gosh, it's so sad and weird that Bobby tries to make Theo listen to music.

Because I was curious I looked up "Carousel" and it's a musical by Rodgers and Hammerstein.

"My boy Bill, I'll see that he is named after me!"

"And you won't see nobody dare to try-- to boss him or toss him around. No pot-bellied, baggy-eyed bully will boss him around--"

The moment Bobby realises that he did exactly that to his son that moment.

And continues to do so.

I actually love the different perspectives... from Theo's point of view everything is muffled... and then he talks with the watchers. XD I'm just glad they translate the important parts of the ASL.

The whole episode is great because almost nothing or nothing is said?

Teddy is still bullying his son.

Teddy: "If there is a problem, I'll fix it."

I guess Zoe really was a troubled child...

"Scary" - "Sexy" - "Hard" - "Wet" - "Woody" - "Yum"

How to flirt with scrabble?

"Teddy is a Gray Roger!" - "Are you having a stroke?" - "Grave Robber! Teddy is a Graverobber!"

It was all an accident.

O. PUTNAM & MABEL - 78 Messages O. PUTNAM - 11 Missed Calls

I love that Charles has Oliver as O. PUTNAM in his address book.

Uh Oh.

S1 E8

Love that Jabouki Young-White is also having a part.

O: "Do you know that I was the first director to use areal cadaver on stage? In Tuesdays At Bernie's. It was my dual adaptation of Tuesdays With Morrie and Weekend at Bernie's." M: "What?"

Yeah, Teddy. I'm sure the deaf son was more responsible for the failing of your marriage than all the whores.

Lmao, Jen is a freak.

Jen: "Brazzos was our safe word." M: "And what's the safe word for me to get out of this conversation?"

LMAO... Detective Williams is so cool.

Incredible that Jen and Oscar get added to the roaster and then the fans too.

... it was not the Dimas'ses

I think I now remember who it was... though I though she was the one who did it in season 2? I got it all confused... that is why I need the rewatch. xD

#OMITBRewatch #only murders in the building #Only Murders in the Building Rewatch #Only Murders in the Building Season 1

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thelesbianpoirot · 6 months

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Same L&O anon. I’m with you and that’s why I still watch. They get it right more than they get it wrong and I’m going to tune in to watch a creep get his comeuppance,every time. I tried the Chicago one too but it’s trash and the main guy has rancid vibes. Criminal Minds is the only other current one I can stand. My friends love NCIS Hawaii because it’s got a lesbian couple but it’s bland as hell and I’m past the age of watching things just for gays it actually has to hold my attention. Like Cold Case. Lily Rush is amazing and it’s probably my favorite procedural. I still haven’t finished it because I’m trying to stretch the show knowing there isn’t more. Do you remember the Season 2 episode Best Friends? Unexpected twist but I thought they told executed the lesbian love story very well.

Heyo! I hope you didn't view my reply as combative, I was replying while at work so I text without reading it, yeah a cop show that actually out misogynist and creeps well is rare. There are hundreds of procedurals avaliable on TV or streaming, but many just don't HIT the same way as SVU or criminals minds or cold case, OR the occasional bones episode, a sexism or rape or child victimization case on BONES is also very satisfying. There is a prostitution/cosmetic surgery episode of BONES second 1 or 2 that I love. She calls cosmetic surgeons butchers and spends the whole episode ranting about how evil the industry is and the portrayal of prostitution was so sympathetic, a girl says "none of us are here because we want to be" and it just feels so real, I wanted to cry. So many women in my family had to do traumatizing shit to feed us kids and keep a roof over our heads, and they weren't even "professional prostitutes" it is just expected that working class single moms have to fuck a boss or an ex baby daddy or have sex with an abusive husband to keep their kids safe. It felt so real. Unglamorous. NCIS Hawaii sucks! all the spin off sucks. NCIS is only good for a few seasons when the team had the perfect chemistry, after Ziva left, there was nothing for me. OOH I love Cold Case, I don't watch it season by season in order, just random episodes based on a good synopsis or a guest star character actor I love, so I didn't know about best friends, BUT GUESS WHAT I'M WATCHING TONIGHT while I EAT DINNER??? THANK YOU for the rec. After the Law and Order mission is over, I think I will try Rizzoli and Isles, a show that try to survive I hear off lesbian gaybaiting, revolutionary, we never get gaybaited! it is always dudes.

#thelesbianpoirot

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adarafaelbarba · 2 years

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Mistletoe

Who��s is who: Christopher, Rachel and Henrietta - Gina. Mia and Harry - Theresa. Sylvie, Colin and Marcus - Bella.

“Detective y/l/n? Someone’s here to see you.” Garry at the front desk said.

Telling him you would be right down, you told Fin you’d be right back.

Down in the lobby Garry pointed you towards the woman sitting in a chair and you recognized her right away.

“Mia? Hey, everything okay?”

She came over to you, and the two of you shared a quick hug.

«Hey, yeah, all good. I just—you told me to come to you if I ever needed. And I wanted to ask you a favor, if you’re free.»

You motioned for her to sit and to go on.

«I was hoping you would help me watch my siblings and cousins this weekend. Do a bit of Christmas baking? Make some cards? We could help you decorate too if you’ve not started.»

A smile crossed your face as you listened to her.

«Did you aunts and mom ask you to watch them again?»

She nodded, blushing.

«I’ve already decorated, but I would love to have you all over. We could bake and then watch some Christmas movies?»

You’d never seen her so relieved in the short time you’d known her, and it made you smile wide.

«Please! That would be so great. I owe you!»

«Nah, I love hanging out with you guys.»

…

Saturday came soon enough and you went with Mia to pick everyone up. Much to the delight of the moms.

Gina in particular practically threw her youngest children at you. «You’re both stars for doing this!»

With the youngest of the flock strapped to your chest, and the eldest holding one kid each by the hand, you all made it back to your Manhattan apartment where everything had been prepared for the arrival.

They all got an apron on, to salvage their clothes, and later on your furniture, and then set to work. The youngest got to make some of the shapes. Mia, Christopher, Rachel and Harry were in charge of doing cutting and the oven, with strict instructions of being careful from the two eldest.

Soft music played in the background as you all did your bit. You mostly looked over, making sure everything was okay, holding Marcus who dozed off every now and then.

«y/n, are you going to be our new auntie?» Henrietta asked, looking at you with wondering eyes.

Everyone’s eyes fell on you.

«What makes you ask that Hen?» You hand pushing some of her curls off her face.

«You’re dating uncle Sonny—»

Henrietta’s older brother Christopher quickly jumped in, «They’re not dating Hen—»

«He just has a crush on her.» Sylvie said, as if it was obvious.

Mia and Christopher looked at you with an apologetic face.

Just then there was a knock at the door.

Rachel quickly dried her hands and ran to open. «Uncle Sonny?!»

«Whatcha doin here Rach?» He asked, sounding confused.

«We’re baking.»

She appeared with Sonny in the kitchen not too long after, and everyone cheered, while you tried to cover Marcus’ ears to keep him sleeping.

«You’re all here—». His eyes landing on you, holding his sleeping nephew. «Need any help, y/l/n?»

«Maybe help them get washed and ready for the movie. Mia, do you mind helping me with the popcorn and hot chocolate?»

She agreed, and you sent the others to the bathroom to get washed.

Sonny had tried taking Marcus from you, but the little boy had just held on around your neck, so there you stood, stirring the content in the pot with one hand while Mia handled the popcorn.

«He does like you though. Talks about you a lot.» She confessed, looking to you.

«Does he?» She nodded, and it made you blush.

You had been harboring a crush on him since you joined SVU a year ago. Looking for any excuse to swing by his office at the DA’s office. But you’d always thought it was one-sided.

…

Soon enough everyone was sat in the living room, either on one of the couches or on the floor.

You’d gone back to pick up a plate of the cookies you’d made when you noticed Sonny standing in the archway separating the living room from the kitchen. And that’s when you finally noticed it, the mistletoe Grace had hung up cause «You never know, you might get lucky.»

He looked up when he saw your eyes locked to it. Both frozen for a bit before you decided to at least just kiss his cheek.

«Detective?» He sounded surprised again when you placed the plate on the counter behind you. You then grabbed his shoulder to steady yourself and leaning up to kiss his cheek.

Leaning back to look at him, he cupped your face in his hands, leaning in to kiss you.

It was short and soft, but it was everything. And you felt your head was spinning.

«Maybe we can talk about this after the kids are all home?» You suggested, feeling Marcus stirr in your arms, finally finished with his nap.

«Yeah. I’d like that.» He dipped in to steal one more kiss before grabbing the plate and walking into the living room with you.

~~~

Tagging:

@thatesqcrush @storiesofsvu @plaidbooks @beccabarba @itsjustmyfantasyroom @detective-giggles @appletreesinwinter @misscharlielulu @cycat4077 @alwaysachorusgirl @im-just-a-mississippi-girl @bisexual-dreamer02 @xoxabs88xox @beatrice-san @meetmeatyourworst @bullet-prooflove

#storiesofsvuholidaybingo2022 #sonny carisi x reader #law and order svu #law and order svu x reader

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storiesofsvu · 8 months

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happy thursday! thoughts under the cut!

Okay, here we go! we’re back!! We’re BACK!!

And for some reason citytv is finally airing them in a more correct order, though mine thinks I’m on the east coast and is starting now. Mothership first so we all know I might not pay too much attention.

Woof what a cold open…

Jesus christ why is it always Hudson U

Who’s this new detective? Did we get rid of one of the white men I didn’t like? Lol. Oh.. we did… good lol.

Det shaw is so fucking hot.

Nov 10th?? Don’t they usually keep the time stamps pretty accurate to when they air?

Uugggghhh Samantha I have missed yoooouuuu. Glad to see she’s handling the arraignment herself this time, let’s give her more of that pls.

God this chloe girl’s annoying

That stiletto tape holder on sam’s desk came from rita, I know it in my soul. (it also came with a custom pair of manolos…)

Oh shit…

Yeah I dunno how I feel about this new cop either…

Ugh I just love that maroon suit

Svu time

BABY BENSON!!!!!!!!!!

Okay I like starting s25 off like this.

Loving that liv is back in her black nail polish era. It’s prime

Velasco being the one of the squad without his own kids/being the youngest and being the one dunked with babysitting duty and loving every moment of it is perfection.

Omg all of them fighting over the baby. lol.

Where tf are all the rest of the carisi’s? or amanda’s mom? Isn’t she in nyc now??

“maybe we could adopt each other…he could use a brother, too many sisters LOL omg noah

I’m not saying liv should’ve like, pulled a u-turn and immediately gone after the van, esp with noah in the car, but she knew in her gut something was off, memorizing a plate number probably would’ve been a good idea.

ALSO WHILE WE’RE HERE. I’M FUCKING SALTY ABOUT CHURLISH. WHAT THE FUCK. (especially if there isn’t a single mention of her in this episode/where she’s gone.)

Oh Velasco… baby boi, I have missed you

Does Bruno have a medical alert bracelet on? And if so is that his or is that the actors?

Okay, at least Velasco was smart enough to keep hands on the perp instead of letting him run off like they normally do.

What the FUCK is going on?

Why am I still watching this show? LOL

Okay, see, this is the kind of amanda content I want to see, her popping up every so often in her professor role/mother/wife role, or just showing up to give carisi lunch kinda thing, not full time, not back on the force cause ESP after having a third kid there’s no way she’s coming back to be a cop.

The way olivia didn’t even bother to run cause she knew he wasn’t going far LOL, just all “bro, you’re gonna hurt yourself, and don’t make me hurt you…”

Okay but is olivia wearing the bracelet that she found in the van? (cause that should be in an evidence bag) or is she wearing one from one of the dolls? (cause that should also be evidence? And is lowkey weird…)

Have I just missed them or have there not been any/a lot of the dun-dun’s/time stamps, cause like…how long has madi been missing? How long have we been looking for her cause there’s no way that they kidnap her, make her into a doll, and make THAT many of them and produce them/that many people bought them in like a day or two….

Okay… we’re lacking detectives, with muncy and churlish gone is this new blonde gonna be joining the team? Will she last more than one season on the show?

God the politics side of jobs like this are infuriating

Okay imma assume that we’re gonna retouch on the case next week? Cause that REALLY wasn’t a solid wrap up, like I get the metaphorical idea to it, but that coulda been done so much better.

Episode was meh overall.

OC time, yay! It really is playing them in order. Now if only the subtitles would fucking work. I’m so congested too, that’s not helping lol.

This theme song is the best out of all of them and I will die on this hill.

Oh right, we’re diving into fucking AI shit. It honestly better end up being a bad thing cause AI will destroy the film industry…

Omg bobby. I love you so much. God the cast of this show is all so incredible.

“god I love not being the boss” LOL

“welcome back detective ive missed you too. Can we take a breath and try that again.” Bell.. seriously… I fucking love you. How v Donnelly of her.

I absolutely love that bell isn’t afraid to call stabler on his shit. Like she is constantly reminding him that *she’s* the boss and we stan her for it.

The writing on this show is SO much better jfc. Jet all “that’s artificial intelligence.” To stabler lolololol

UNDERCOVER JET IS SO FUCKING HOT OMG. And like… ALWAYS not just now, but woof.

If they don’t start diving into more of bell’s personal life this season I will riot. Like, we’ve got out first main cast openly queer character on the show and all they’ve done is break up her marriage and family and rarely touch on it again. Like, does she even get to see her son? (son, right lol) does she ever talk to denise? Are they friendly? Can we PLS see her start to branch out and date again to get some fucking representation cause fuck knows we’re not getting it anywhere else in this universe.

Omg not the piece of fucking duct tape over the apple logo on the back of this dude’s computer LOL.

What was that little shoulder touch? And why was there so much focus on it?? Sus

“you’re just gonna walk into that beehive” ma’am… this is Elliot we’re talking about. You’ve known him three years now, you should know he likes to play by the seat of his pants. AND THE FIRST THING HE DOES IS MAKE DIRECT EYE CONTACT WITH SOMEONE WHO LOOKS IN CHARGE?! DUDE. You’re dumb

Bobby and jet comforting each other and finding that comfort/coping with jamie’s death by fucking each other honestly makes perfect sense.

Okay, as much as I don’t ship eo and absolutely do not want it to be canon, I am thankful for more little mentions of the characters on the other shows. Like it didn’t make sense to bring back Elliot and have all the crossovers that we got and then pretend like they didn’t talk or keep up with what the other was doing in the eps that weren’t crossovers.

Okay. Now that’s done.

Fun fact: randall, this brother that we’re going to meet I now assume last week is being played by Jamie Gray Hyder’s husband. Cause like, I was suuuuper surprised to see Jamie at the 25th anniversary party, like, truly shocked that she would show up until I found this out LOL.

Honestly… SVU was the weak link of the premiers. If we had gotten more cute personal moments at the beginning with the baptism then it would jump up but we barely got any. It really seemed like a two part-er episode and I don’t think it is, or at least not one that will be continued next week. Either way, it was kinda meh.

#law and order #law and order svu #law and order oc #law and order organized crime #law and order: svu #law and order special victims unit #svu #olivia benson #spoilers #law and order spoilers

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5ivebyfive · 2 years

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March Madness Prompts

March 8 - Lake Law and Order: SVU - Rolivia (This is my first time writing them so I hope it’s not too terrible)

Olivia and Amanda sat on the back porch of a cabin, staring off at the lake behind it, with mugs of warm apple cider in their hands and blankets over their laps. Their rocking chairs swayed slightly as they watched Noah and Jesse run around the yard between the cabin and lake. Liv placed a hand on Amanda’s knee.

“I’m sorry about what happened outside court,” Liv said. Amanda placed her hand over Liv’s and squeezed it.

“I am, too,” she said. “But it’s in the past. It isn’t like that was our first work fight.” She snorted. “The office is the office, and when we go home, we forget it.

“I know. Hey, Noah! Away from the lake!” Liv called out. The boy spun around.

“I wanna skip rocks, Mom!” He shouted across the distance between them.

“Only when Aunt Amanda or I are with you.”

“Fiiiine!” He ran away from the lake and chased Jesse, making her giggle and run. The moms smiled together.

“Just wait until Billie gets older,” Liv said. “We’ll have a full load.”

“I’m…okay with that,” Amanda said softly. She squeezed Liv’s hand again. “You know I’m in this, right?” Liv picked up Amanda’s hand and kissed it.

“I know,” she whispered. “I am, too.”

“You know we have to disclose this soon.”

“I know,” Liv nodded. “It just…didn’t really work out well the last time I did.”

“Well, I’m not him,” Amanda said. Liv looked at her and smiled warmly.

“I know.” She leaned over to Amanda’s chair and kissed her softly. “I can’t remember the last time I was this happy.”

“Me either. I thought…I thought it was going to be me, Jesse, and Billie forever. I didn’t know how I was going to handle it. But…together, I think we’re doing really well.” Liv raised her mug.

“Here’s for six months,” she said. Amanda clinked her mug to Olivia’s.

“We’re going to get in trouble for not telling sooner, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, we are,” Liv answered truthfully. “And one of us is going to get transferred.”

“If you’d told me that months ago, I would’ve said the job is too important,” Amanda said slowly. “I love my job. I love SVU as…as hard as it can be. But…”

“This is something,” Liv finished.

“It is,” Amanda replied. “And I have never been the one to say this, but I think…I think I’m ready for more.”

“More what?”

Amanda cleared her throat and looked over at the lake, then at the kids. “I love my girls, I love Noah…I love you. I want us all to be a family. One place, three kids…”

“You want to move into each other?” Liv said hesitantly.

“Do you?” Amanda asked. Liv went quiet for a while then turned to look at her girlfriend.

“Yeah,” she said in slight surprise. “I do. I want to be closer to the girls, and I want you to be closer to Noah. The older kids already get along so well. Noah treats Jesse like a little sister. And that baby…I want to watch her grow up. Watch her turn into a woman as beautiful as her mother.”

“Now you’re just buttering me up,” Amanda joked.

“Can’t you take a compliment?” “Not really. And you know it. And you’re no better at it than I am.”

“I guess we’ll have to work on that,” Olivia murmured. She took Amanda’s free hand. “We will. Together.”

“Yeah,” Amanda agreed. “Together.”

#rolivia #law and order svu #law and order: svu #law and order special victims #amanda rollins #olivia benson #please please reblog if you like it #ship: rolivia #my fics #march madness prompts #;aw and order: svu tag #detective amanda rollins tag #detective my beloved #detective olivia

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ortegajasmin · 2 years

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Blog Post #1

Hi, my name is Jasmin Ortega and I am an 18 years old. I am hispanic as is the rest of my family, my mother was born in NYC as well and had lived there her whole life while my father was born in a small village in Mexico, he eventually moved to NYC in his early teens where he met my mom. My name origin is extremely basic and unoriginal and does not have a specific or meaningful origin, my parents just chose it because they liked the sound of it and thought it was nice. If I had the chance to change my name to a fictional character I would probably pick the name Diana, taken from the fictional superhero Wonder Woman, Diana is Wonder Woman's real name. The reason why I would choose this name is because of how important Wonder Woman is in the DC, she is one of the titular characters in the Justice League being one of the founding characters alongside Batman and Superman.

High school was a bit of a blur for me. I remember that my first day of high school was very anticlimactic and nothing like the movies. I went in extremely nervous to be in a whole new world with a lot of older kids and honestly speaking the first day was a little overwhelming by how many people there were and how big the school was, but after the first day I got used to it and was pretty bored by it. I actually did not go to school on the last day, I had graduated the day before and I decided not to end up going on the actual last day. On my physical last day of school I did not do much but get ready for graduation and say goodbye to my favorite teacher one last time. My favorite moment of high school would usually be when whenever I had gym on specific days and was able to go out with the class and meet up with my friends in the other gym class, it always made the class period that much better. My least favorite moment would have to be when I had a falling out with an old friend from middle school, leading us to never speak again. If I could do it all over again I would probably go about it by putting myself out there more and trying to make more friends and by also trying for more extra curricular activities.

Currently, I am in my freshman year of college, in my second semester and my major is Psychology. Truthfully speaking, I chose this major because of a crime tv show called Law and Order: SVU. The show is about detectives solving cases revolving sex crimes, occasionally on the show they would have a psychiatrist come on to the show and give his professional opinion on the cases and criminals to help solve the crimes. Watching this show and the psychiatrist work to identify motives and reasonings behind a criminal and their crimes was fascinating. This essentially led to my interest in true crime and the way criminals' minds work, it also led to my interest in the human mind as a whole and why we do what we do or feel the way we do. With this major one specific career path I am interested in is of course a criminal psychologist, the other career path would be a child therapist. What essentially inspired me for both of these careers is my want to understand the mind and how it works for specific groups of people as well as helping those who need it.

I unfortunately do not participate in any recreational activities, I never got into them when I was younger and so I never gained an interest in them when I got older. For my interests and hobbies I would say I have pretty basic ones like reading, playing video games, spending time with my family, listening to music, and watching movies and shows, but if I had to pick a semi interesting interest it would have to be taking pictures of the sky. I never miss the chance to take a photo of the sky, day or night, when it looks pretty and memorable. The main reason for this is because I think it is something that is nice to look at and look back on.

The last movie I watched was Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones and the last show I watched was a rewatch of Cobra Kai. For movie and tv show recommendations it would be The Boys on Amazon, That 70s Show, Teen Wolf (mainly season 3), Back to the Future, Ready Player One, and Scott Pilgrim vs the World. My favorite film and show are both from my recommendations, The Boys and Scott Pilgrim vs the World. Both pieces of media have great stories and comedy in my opinion and the latter has amazing original music. My least favorite show would have to be a netflix original called Ginny & Georgia, I am just hate watching it at this point, but I would be lying if there weren't moments that absolutely had me laughing. There has not really been anything I have created, no original pieces or nothing. And if I were to pick my last meal to have on my last day on earth it would be tortas. Tortas are some of the best sandwiches my mom has made, they usually include beans, mexican cheese, ham, eggs, hot dogs, and breaded chicken. Now reading it may not seem appetizing but trust it is absolutely amazing and I would absolutely want nothing more than to have a torta as my last meal.

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sinistersinister · 11 days

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I’d conflated my love of fictional men (in a fujo way) with personal interest in them (in a sex way) but I had a hard time picturing me actually fucking them. I suspect that’s why my “let’s fuck a man!” impulses are more like “let’s fuck the embodiment of banal capitalist evil, no I don’t care what he looks like I’ll leave that vague.”

The first intentionally erotic work I ever wrote (at age 13) was actually about two women from Law & Order: SVU. We’d just gotten cable and SVU was one of the shows my mom and sibling and I would all watch together, when Mom wasn’t put off by the misogynist violence. I’d had an uneven media development; I was a precocious internet user and bookworm, but had little exposure to TV or movies. This is relevant information I promise.

Anyway I wrote about Alex Cabot and Olivia Benson finding love. I posted it on fanfiction dot net, where I’d been spending most of my media time until then. Not because writing the story made me horny, but because (and I am not making this up) I thought “wow, lesbian fan fiction is such an untapped market. I bet I could get real numbers with this.” I didn’t even wanna fuck either of the women (too old for me— I’ve always liked girls/women who are around my own age), it was for MARKETING.

Anyway now I wanna try writing lesbian porn and see if I’m any better at it than I am at straight porn or gay men porn. I like reading all of it/listening to all of it, I think I’m a good writer, but writing porn for myself has never felt sexy for me. It’s been like sewing. I’ve hated it while I’m doing it but sometimes the outcome has been pleasing. Usually I have to get high or drunk or have to be very tired or hungry or experiencing some other extreme physical state to do it at all. I wonder if lesbian porn is different. Maybe I’ll try tonight :)

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unhingedwomandiaries · 3 months

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Number twenty-eight on my list of fifty things to do before I'm fifty is to reconnect with an old friend. Sounds simple enough, right? Like something you'd see on one of those insipid Facebook memes your aunt shares between pictures of her cats and thinly veiled QAnon conspiracies. I wasn't expecting to check this particular box so soon, and I sure as hell didn't know who I'd be reconnecting with. Life's funny that way, I guess. One minute you're contemplating the existential dread of your own mortality, the next you're getting a LinkedIn message from a guy you haven't thought about since Obama was president.

So there I am, fresh off the Amtrak from New York City, where I'd just spent a week pretending to give a shit about fashion while secretly wondering if the models ever eat anything more substantial than cigarette smoke and their own self-loathing. I find myself in the Beinecke Rare Book & Manuscript Library, because apparently that's what passes for excitement in my life between classes and work. I'm about to park my ass at a table when I notice someome left their book behind. Inside, there's a brochure about suicide prevention, which is about as cheerful as finding a used condom in your grandmother's purse.

Now, I've always had this weird savior complex. It's like a superhero origin story, if that superhero's power was an overwhelming urge to stick his nose where it doesn't belong. I once raised a litter of baby squirrels that fell through a vent in my mom's bedroom. Why? Because apparently I thought I was some kind of rodent messiah. Their mother had chewed through the wiring in our attic, probably driven mad by the constant loop of "Bargain Hunt" reruns my mother insisted on watching.

So there I am, suddenly consumed with the need to know who this suicidal bookworm is. I corner some poor intern who looks like she just stepped out of a Tennessee Williams play and start grilling her like she's a suspect on "Law & Order: SVU". Turns out, the book belongs to a guy named X, a microbiology junior with a minor in pharmacology. The intern describes him as "handsome in a bookish way," which I'm pretty sure is Southern Belle code for "wears glasses and probably hasn't seen sunlight in three years."

Now, armed with this utterly useless information and a renewed sense of purpose, I decide to track down X. Because apparently, I've appointed myself the Batman of the depressed Ivy League set. I enlist the help of another microbiology student who leads me to X's dorm room.

X is exactly what you'd expect: pale, fragile, and looking like he's one bad grade away from a total nervous breakdown. I introduce myself with all the subtlety of a hammer to the face, telling him I know he's planning to off himself and that I'm here to stop it. Because nothing says "I care" like accosting a stranger in their own room and accusing them of being suicidal.

X doesn't even put up a fight. He just kind of... acquiesces. Like he's thinking, "Well, I was going to kill myself, but this crazy lady seems pretty adamant about keeping me alive, so I guess I'll go along with it." So I do what any rational person would do: I drag him to the beach and force-feed him fried cod and chips. Because nothing cures suicidal thoughts like arterial blockage, right?

Somewhere between his third and fourth fish, X confesses that he's got 500 ibuprofen tablets waiting for him back in his room. And let me tell you, if you're going to check out, ibuprofen is a hell of a way to do it. It's like deciding to travel across the country by pogo stick - sure, you'll get there eventually, but it's going to be a long, painful journey.

So, naturally, I decide the best course of action is to kidnap X and take him to New York City. Because nothing says "life-affirming experience" like being forcibly removed from your comfort zone by a stranger who's clearly operating on a different plane of reality. We end up at the Paradiso Film Emporium, where I drop $470 on a 16mm copy of "Fantastic Planet." Why? Because apparently I think watching a French animated film about giant blue aliens is the key to unlocking X's will to live.

Back at the Isle of Man, I reveal my piece de resistance: a makeshift movie theater in a car park. We watch the film on the roof of some poor schmuck's BMW, because nothing says "cinematic experience" like potential property damage and trespassing charges.

And you know what? It worked. X didn't kill himself that night. Instead, he fell asleep on a car roof watching a movie about blue aliens. Sometimes, that's all it takes to keep going: a reminder that the world is weird and wonderful and full of surprises.

Fast forward to now, and X just reached out on LinkedIn. Apparently, a freak thundersnow storm took out my old dogwood tree. But you know what? I'm not sad. That tree was never meant to last forever. Neither are we. The point is to bloom where you're planted, even if where you're planted is on the roof of a BMW in a car park, watching French animation with a stranger who's taken an unhealthy interest in your continued existence.

Life's weird like that. Sometimes you set out to reconnect with an old friend, and instead you end up saving a life. Or maybe you just end up watching a movie about giant blue aliens. Either way, it beats the hell out of dying.

#diary #50thingstodobeforeim50

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vidalinav · 3 years

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Stu(died)-Chapter 3

Summary: Cassian takes care of a sick Nesta

Nessian Modern AU-university setting.

Masterlist, Stu(died) Chapter List

(Rolls eyes hardcore) I am continuing this fic for literally five people. Smh.

Nesta comes to their tutoring session late and that’s the first thing that tips him off. Already his phone is in his hand ready to call 911. He has Nesta’s number in his phone saved. The first person listed in his text log under Nerd. He can always text or call her. He belongs to The Rat Pack in Nesta’s Snap Chat group, and he knows he can always contact Emerie or Gwyn if something is truly wrong. Yet he dials in 911 and his thumb hovers over the call button.

If she doesn’t show up in fifteen minutes, Cassian swears he’ll call.

Nesta’s never late. In fact, she’s annoyingly early. She practically has a stop watch in her hand at all times, counting every minute she waits. When Cassian comes running in five minutes later, as he so often does, panting with some excuse, Nesta doesn’t even bother looking up from her textbook. She merely gestures to the seat, a heavy sigh on her lips, like she’s running out of time to bore him death even as she fascinates him to pieces.

Her books should already be splayed onto the table, her pencils straight and neatly lined up. Today, the table is empty.

He’ll give it fifteen minutes and then he’s calling.

But Nesta shows up before another minute ticks by. She steps out of the elevator wearing that grey polo he’s seen on her a million times. She lugs her way to him, dragging her feet with the weight of those textbooks he’s sure are in her bag.

She’s wearing a mask, today, and that’s another thing that sends his brain screeching somethings not right here! It covers half of her face, and her eyes look tired from where they peak above the fabric. Cassian doesn’t even bother waiting for her to settle. Already he’s crossing his arms, his brows crinkling with concern and something like irritation.

How dare she think studying is more important than her health.

“Go home,” he says as she nears. Nesta only blinks as if as not understanding his words. The fact that she doesn’t immediately argue is enough for him to start gathering his things.

“What are you doing?” She says as he stuffs his notebook in his bag, “You have an exam in two weeks.” Nesta sets down her own, it slaps at the table with a heavy thump. Cassian can hear the zipper unzipping but not as well as the cough that roars out of her mouth.

It’s loud and wet, and Nesta pauses as if to get her bearings, covering her mouth with her arm. She coughs and coughs and Cassian lays a hand to his own chest. He can almost feel how much it hurts, how she gasps.

Cassian shakes his head, “No, I’m taking you home.”

Nesta’s brows furrow and she gets that look in her eyes. He just knows she’s going to fight him on this. “I--”

Cassian cuts her off, “please, save your breath. You’re going to make everyone sick.”

“I’m wearing a mask!” Nesta argues.

“It’s almost midterms.” Cassian gestures to the other occupants in the library. He sees one person with their hoodie pulled up over their head, clearly sleeping... and moves on to someone else. A group in the corner who’s standing by a whiteboard. “You want to take your chances with sleep deprived students?”

Nesta seems to think about that. While she does, Cassian zips up her bag and throws it over his shoulder. It’s as heavy as he thought it might be. Briefly, he thinks of making a joke about how she must have stuffed a body in here, but he doesn’t think she’d appreciate it, given how quiet she is.

Mentally, he starts making a list of everything she needs. Medicine? He’ll get the pills and the syrup, never mind if she scrunches her nose at the taste. He’ll get her soup. Not the canned. Cassian will buy the ingredients. He’s sure he can make something appeasing. Vaguely, he can remember his mom’s recipe. Beef broth and cabbage and squash. Hopefully she can stomach it. Never mind, the salt will be good for her.

“Hey,” she whines, blinking up at him slowly, “give me my bag.”

“Have you not heard me? You need to be home lying down. Not here, helping me study. Why on earth did you think this was a good idea? I’m taking you home.”

Nesta crosses her arms and the intimidation tactic seems ridiculous with her face half covered and her endless sniffling. “You can try, but I’ll just refuse to tell you my apartment number.”

Cassian scoffs, “I know where you live. I can see your room from the house when you study at night.”

“Who says that out loud?” Nesta shouts.

She must be terribly ill if she’s yelling in a library. That’s all he can think as he gestures to the elevator, bags in hand.

“Never mind that. Let’s go,” Cassian says, walking ahead without her.

He can’t hear her shuffling though, so he turns back to find Nesta leaning on a chair, holding her stomach. He can already feel himself sighing.

Cassian rushes back just in time for Nesta to rip off her mask, and move to the closest trashcan. It’s situated under one of the bulletin boards and as Cassian sidles up to her, rubbing at her back and pulling her hair away, he looks to the papers tacked to the board.

Join the rowing team. Looking for tutors. Research participants wanted.

He can hear the retching and Cassian reads on.

Babysitter wanted for professor, transportation needed.

“I haven’t thrown up since middle school,” Nesta says pathetically. She frowns as he hands her his bottle of water. Her nose and cheeks are red and for some reason he thinks of Rudolph, lighting the way for Santa through the storm.

He feels bad for little Rudolph...

“Now will you let me take you home,” Cassian sighs. He hopes it doesn’t sound like an ‘I told you so’ but she should really be lying down. He lays a hand to her forehead, but she brushes him off, moving towards the bathrooms.

“I’ll wait right here,” he says, but Nesta moves ahead as if she doesn’t hear him at all. Cassian can’t find it in himself to mind. A sick Nesta is guaranteed to be a stubborn Nesta, he just knows.

When she gets out, she looks surprised to see him and that’s another look that just proves how sick she must be. It’s a fairly obvious prediction that he’s going to wait next to the girl's bathroom, counting ceiling tiles. It’s a perfectly ‘Cassian with Nesta’ thing to do.

“You’re skipping class?”

Nesta coughs again, and she looks perfectly pitiful as she blinks her tired eyes. Cassian can feel his lips frown, and he shifts her bag more securely on his shoulder if only to keep himself from reaching out for her. Already he can feel his hands bunch into fists because he wants to grab her own and squeeze it until she's reassured. He wants to hug her until she feels better.

But he can’t.

Cassian lists every action he wants to do. Kiss her forehead where Nesta rubs her hand, because she must have a headache from how sick she is. Put on her favorite movie, so she can fall asleep to its sound. Run to every store, raiding every Walgreens and CVS until he comes back with a pharmacy.

What might she allow now that she’s sick? Will she let him fuss like he wants to?

But Nesta rolls her eyes in that haughty way of hers. “You can’t do that.”

“I can’t do what?” Cassian asks and he wonders if she can read his thoughts. If she studies him so well, reads him like one of her textbooks, memorizing facts and facial features.

“You can’t skip class,” she argues. “Why am I tutoring you if you’re going to skip class?”

At the words, all Cassian wants to do is sigh. She’s thinking about attendance at a time like this...

“Nesta, there is no class more important than you.”

Her brows crinkle at the center like she’s going to start arguing, but Cassian allows himself one touch. He places his thumb there, between her brows, smoothing out the lines. Nesta rips away, blinking up dazed and all too confused. Cassian would laugh at the look, if he didn’t need the distraction.

He juts his head to the elevator quickly. “Let’s go. We can walk slow, so don’t overexert yourself.”

Nesta scrunches up her nose, so cute and red, but she follows him anyway albeit a little petulantly. She holds her hand out for her bag, but Cassian turns toward the doors, pretending not to see.

“How does me being sick make you bossy?”

Cassian doesn’t dare to respond. He doesn’t know whether he’ll admit that he wants to take care of her, that’s he’s so worried a knot twists in his stomach, or if he’ll make some joke, he knows will make her mad. Maybe that’s the better option, he thinks. He can handle a mad Nesta. He likes a mad Nesta, but a Nesta who so easily rejects him?

Cassian doesn’t know about that.

“You don’t have any classes left this week, right?”

Nesta coughs into her sleeve before answering. Though she means to sound queenly, she only sounds sick, “you know where I live, and you also know my class schedule... seems suspicious if you ask me.”

“I’ve known you for two years.”

“And murder victims are three times more likely to be killed by someone they know."

Cassian huffs out a laugh, shaking his head, “Do you still go to sleep watching SVU? Or have you switched to Lifetime movies where the babysitters always try to kill the wife?”

“People should be wary about the people they know,” Nesta shrugs as if that’s answer enough.

Cassian snorts, “well you don’t have to be wary of me.”

As the elevator doors open, Cassian gestures for her to go first and Nesta does, but not before crossing her arms.

“That’s just what a murderer would want me to think.” She squints as if dissecting him, limb by limb. “You kill me, and I’ll haunt you. You won’t be able to sleep at night without thinking of me.”

Too late, Cassian thinks.

It’s much too late for that.

Rudolph has the patience of a five-year-old when she’s sick. Cassian learns this fairly quickly when he runs inside a Walgreens on their way to Nesta’s apartment.

There’s a bench that she can sit on, where she can wait if she feels tired, but no. Nesta decides she needs to run errands. She has an entire basket filled by the time he finds her again. She’s by the greeting cards, holding three open at a time. Cassian huffs with a receipt and medicine in hand.

“Here,” he says, giving her the cough medicine. “Take some of this.”

Nesta doesn’t even bother with pouring. He watches as she rips the cap away, taking a swig right out of the bottle, gulping it down.

“That’s way more than the suggested amount,” he cries, “you can get drunk on this stuff!”

“Good, maybe I’ll forget this day ever happened.”

Cassian sighs... it seems all he does is sigh when she’s like this. A sick Nesta is a petulant, irritated Nesta with a permanent furrow between her brows.

“I know you feel sick,” he tries to placate, “but I bet you’d feel a whole lot better if we get you home as soon as we can... so you can lie down and sleep.”

Nesta only picks up another Halloween card. She ignores his suggestion, laughing under her breath as she reads whatever inane joke is written there. Soon, she’s coughing though, and Cassian reaches for the basket just to stop himself from rubbing a hand down her back, combing his fingers through her hair.

Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, his thoughts scream.

Cassian looks to the contents to distract himself from her watery eyes, and that’s when he notices what she’s grabbed. It seems that while he was in the cold and flu aisle, Nesta was raiding the snacks.

“What is this?” He gestures to the basket. Two boxes of cereal. Caramel corn. Baked Lay’s and cans of Arizona tea. Cassian takes one and holds it up. “Really Nesta?”

“What it’s green tea!” she argues, shoving another card back in its slot.

“This is all... junk,” he tries to explain, but Nesta’s already glowering.

“Look I don’t question your decisions. You don’t question mine.”

Cassian gives her a bland look. “You question my decisions all the time. Before we came in here, you literally said ‘why are we going in here, Cassian? Weren’t you supposed to take me home.’ You said that.”

Nesta simply raises her chin, pulling out another card. “I recall no such thing.”

“Fine,” Cassian grumbles, “if you want to eat yourself to an early grave and ignore everything that could potentially make you feel better than that’s just fine with me.”

“Good,” she says, putting back the other cards. Nesta settles for a pop-up that sings Monster Mash when she opens it. She sets it in the basket he holds, walking ahead without even looking back. “I’m ready to check out.”

“Really?” Cassian jokes, mockingly. “Are you sure you raided the candy aisle?”

Nesta stops in her tracks, peering through the section with printer ink and paper as if she can see the other side. He swears he’d facepalm if he wasn’t carrying all this stuff.

“You’re right,” she says, nodding.

“Wait!” Cassian calls. “Where are you going? Nesta!”

Too late. He can already hear crunching bags.

The variety packs.

Cassian sighs, lugging their things to the aisle next door.

“Can I use these vegetables?” Cassian asks, as Nesta shoves open the door to her room. He’s surprised she’s not still by the freezer. When they first get back to her place, she sticks her head in there and he wonders if he should suggest taking her temperature, or if she’s doing it just to show him she’s annoyed.

Perhaps her ears bleed from the sound of his voice.

That seems like something Nesta would say.

“They’re Emerie’s. Why?”

“To make soup,” Cassian explains, rifling through the contents. There’s zucchini and summer squash. Onion, fresh parsley and carrots. Cabbage and lettuce. Fresh fruit. He can make a nice stew out of this.

Nesta scoffs, “I don’t need soup.”

She enters her room, shoving the door back behind her until it leaves only a crack.

“You can leave now,” she yells. “I’m home like you wanted.”

“Are you lying down?” He asks, crossing his arms sternly though she can’t see him.

Nesta sighs loudly, “you’re annoying!”

“Maybe if you got some rest, I’d be less annoying,” Cassian sings brightly.

He can hear the soft sound of her voice. “Doubt.”

Cassian shakes his head with a smirk. He opens his snapchat where The Rat Pack is the first on the list, but the group name has changed... to People I Tolerate.

That’s got to be Nesta.

Cassian laughs under his breath and types. Can I use your vegetables? Making Nesta soup.

Emerie’s bitmoji pops up at the bottom, but the person who texts back first is not Emerie, but Gwyn.

You’re at our house?

Cassian can almost hear her voice. Stern and cautious. He’s almost certain she doesn’t like him. Gwyn looks at him with even more disdain than Nesta when he's around. That stay away from my friend look.

He sighs. Yes, Nesta’s sick.

Gwyn’s quick to respond. I can come home early. I need to drop off a paper, but I can be there in 30.

Cassian rolls his eyes and types, I’m perfectly capable of taking care of her.

Nesta’s face pops up. I can take care of myself.

“No, you can’t!” Cassian yells.

“Yes, I can!” Nesta yells back, but then she starts coughing again and he can hear her groan in the other room. Cassian raises a brow at her door.

I’m going to make soup. I’ll make enough for all of you, but can I use stuff from the fridge? I’ll replace it all.

Emerie’s face pops up and then disappears quickly. He’s about ready to go to the store himself or at least next door to the House, but Emerie’s text appears.

I have no objections to this.

Cassian smiles in relief, and he’s about to set down his phone when another notification appears. It’s Emerie again.

And if you make good soup, you can stay indefinitely.

Cassian sends a winking emoji. Nesta sends back the emoji with the straight mouth and eyes. Before he can frown at what that means, Cassian sees that the group name has changed... to Three’s Company.

That’s got to be Gwyn.

Stone cold, Emerie texts back.

Cassian decides he’s going to ignore that for the moment and focus on the objective at hand.

Soup.

Cassian pulls out the vegetables and looks through the cupboards. Emerie, it seems, has all the good spices. He finds the broth packets stored in the back, and he pulls out some beef from the freezer. It’ll need to defrost but he can start the broth now, get the vegetables soft, and brown the beef later. It’ll take a couple of hours anyway.

Occasionally, he hears a cough as he works. Then a sweet laugh... followed by a cough and a groan. Cassian feels bad for her he does, but he can’t help but find the whole situation amusing. She should be resting and yet she seems to be wide awake.

Nesta doesn’t come out of her room though. It’s as if he’s not even there, and he takes that time to look over her shared apartment. There are three doors, each with a letter at the front. The N is blue, the E, green, and the G, pink. He doesn’t know how it’s possible to have a living room that looks like all three, but somehow it works. It’s studious and bright. Colorful, but subdued. There are way too many throw pillows and books scattered everywhere, but there’s also a TV with a fireplace under it. He can just imagine Nesta laughing at scary movies. Some slasher fic she’ll watch like she’s taking notes.

He can imagine Nesta everywhere, in fact.

This is where she eats. Where she sits. Where she studies. This is where she trips over shoes if they’re not neatly lined up and where she complains about dirty dishes. This is where she cooks... if she does cook. Cassian doesn’t know.

Maybe he’ll get to find out one day.

Once the water starts boiling and the meat is in the microwave to defrost, Cassian goes to check how Rudolph is doing.

He knocks on her door lightly, pushing it open. “Nesta?”

Cassian’s never seen her room before, say for when she sits by the window with her curtains wide open, and just like then, it seems like an invasion of privacy to do so now. But Nesta’s plopped on top of her bed, tucked beneath her blue comforter, and she sets down her phone when he appears at the door.

Her whole room is filled with blues and creams, and it looks exactly what he imagines Nesta’s room to look like. The large calendar, an agenda on the desk, bookshelf after bookshelf lining her walls. There are also things he doesn’t know of her yet. Pictures and posters and a.... stuffed lobster? Cassian holds it up.

“Would you stop looking around?” Nesta groans. She has her arm resting over her eyes, and he wonders if it’s because she doesn’t want to see him looking or if she feels that bad that the light is bothering her.

She should be getting some rest, he thinks.

“Where did you get a stuffed lobster?”

Nesta coughs out her response.

The sound makes Cassian grimace, his chest ache with need, but he doesn’t rush over like he wants to. This is her house, her room... and this is Nesta who doesn’t like to be coddled by anyone.

“It’s a heat pack,” she says at last, after she catches her breath.

“A heat pack?” Cassian looks to the soft red claws that dangle. He’s never seen anything so soft be a heat pack.

“For cramps,” she says as if it’s obvious. Nesta must take his silence to mean ignorance for she lifts onto her elbows, raising a judgmental brow. “Please tell me you know what periods are or am I am going to have to go back to teaching you biology?”

“No,” Cassian draws out, “I know what periods are.”

Nesta mumbles a thank god and Cassian watches as she shifts under the covers, pulling them up until they hover just beneath her mouth.

“Are you cold?” Cassian asks, looking around her room. He spots his burgundy hoodie neatly folded and nearly yanks it from her desk. “Here. Wear my sweatshirt.”

“I just washed it,” Nesta whines, “I was going to give it back to you.”

Cassian’s confused by the words, but he merely gestures for her to budge up. He’s thankful when she doesn’t argue. He rolls the sweatshirt over her head and Nesta fits her arms through the sleeves.

“You didn’t have to wash it,” he says, watching as she pats down her hair. If only he could pull it up for her, comb his fingers through it. She could use his scrunchie too, if she wanted.

Nesta rolls her eyes, and he can only imagine what she thinks. He can practically hear the words. Of course, you wouldn’t care about clean clothes.

Her expressions practically give her away--everything she feels and thinks. Cassian wonders if he knows how open she is to the rest of the world. He wonders if she’d hate him if he told her this.

“It was going to smell like me,” she frowns.

Cassian wants to huff out a laugh. That is perfectly fine by him.

“Stop laughing,” she whines, “I’m being serious.”

“Yes, you’re being very serious.” He can’t help his smirk as he gazes up at her. He doesn’t even realize he’s on her bed, sitting to the side of her all bunched up in red. Her nose to the fabric. He almost wants to say she looks cute in his hoodie, all sick like that, but he knows she’ll only bite at him, remarking about how he has some weird fetish for sick girls.

Cassian holds back a laugh as he hears the microwave ding. He needs to turn the meat around, so it doesn’t cook through, but Nesta grips his arm. His head whips towards her and... Nesta’s gazing up at him. Her eyes are a soft blue. Just like her room.

“You’re warm,” she says. To explain herself, he thinks, and why she holds him as if she doesn't want him to move.

Cassian’s lips raise lightly, and he places the back of his hand on her forehead. “You must be worse than you’re letting on if you're okay with me being in your bed.”

Nesta scoffs, “you’re on it. Not in it. I’ll make that distinction very clear.”

“You can’t be that sick then,” Cassian shrugs, smiling. “If you’re making everything sound like a tutoring session.”

Her cheeks flush a bright pink and Cassian thinks she must have a fever. He wonders if he should search for an ice pack or make one, so she doesn’t get too hot.

“Are you tired?” He asks, noting how slowly she blinks. “You did drink a lot of cough syrup.”

“I also took a NyQuil,” she says, closing her eyes.

Cassian huffs, “remind me to teach you how read warning labels when your fully coherent.”

He can hear the microwave ding again, and it reminds him of an alarm. Wake up! It seems to say. Being in Nesta’s room does feels like falling asleep. Rather dream-like and hazy. The microwave dings incessantly, but Cassian doesn’t want to wake up just yet.

Her hand is still on his arm. It’s so much smaller than his and he wants to trace the skin there and see if it’s as soft as it looks. Cassian doesn’t dare look at her, in case she doesn’t just bang together two loud cymbals and tell him to get up and out and away.

Cassian looks ahead instead, fixing his gaze on the stuffed lobster on her desk.

“Nesta,” he starts and then swallows. He feels nervous, his hands clammy. “Nesta, I really think you and I... we’d be good together.”

Cassian takes a breath, and he stares at the lobster as if it’s her face. “We’ve known each other for a long time now and I... I haven’t hid how I feel about you.” His heart is beating way too fast, and he doesn’t feel any freer from speaking the words, but Cassian decides it’s time to rip the Band-Aid off. “I thought maybe... we could try it out. See if you might be comfortable with it. If you might like me... too?”

He doesn’t know why he words that like a question, but Nesta doesn’t say a word. Cassian looks back, hoping there’s no disgust in baby blue. He doesn’t know what he’d do if she just outright says he’s trash and she’ll never like him.

But Nesta’s fast asleep.

Cassian doesn’t bother sighing as he grips her limp hand, setting it on the blanket. He doesn’t bother being disappointed when he tucks the comforter around her. Her cheeks are a lobster-red and he rubs a thumb lightly there, wondering what it would be like to hold her face in his palm and kiss at her nose. Would she complain as he pecked her lips? You’ll get sick Cassian.

Then we can stay in bed together, Nesta.

No. Cassian’s not disappointed at all.

He’ll tuck away his dreams where tomorrow lives.

Today, he’ll stick to what he’s good at, so Cassian heads to the kitchen to make soup.

~ ~

Mwahahahaahah

In case you missed, here’s the stuffed lobster in the flesh.

Tagged:

@arinbelle @my-fan-side @sophilightwood @nestaarcher0n @duskandstarlight @soitsgorgeous @swankii-art-teacher @lordof-bloodshed @thewhelk @daisy-in-danger @highqueenevankhell @lovelynesta @sirendeepity @champanheandluxxury @ladynestaarcheron @moodymelanist @teagoddess99 @spoilersteph @angelic-voice-1997 @bo0kmaster69 @drielecarla @generalnesta @cozycomfyliving08 @confusedfandomslut @dread3r @sv0430

"Why am I still writing this fic?" I say angrily, as I angrily type it in my angry word document.

#nesta archeron #cassian #nessian #nessian fanfiction #vidalinav writes #Stu(died)

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spexialvixtimxunit · 3 years

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Trick or Treat!

How I imagine Law & Order SVU and Criminal Mind Characters would celebrate Halloween

Pairing; All Characters x Black!Female!Reader (she/her pronouns)

Warnings: Nothing scary, just mentions of Halloween night.

Length: Medium-ish

Word count: 1.4K

Masterlist

@verytalented gave me this idea and I thought that it would be cute to write this, enjoy!

[Olivia Benson]

Olivia would make sure that everything at the precinct is finished so that she could take the night off to take Noah and Kalani trick or treating around the neighborhood.

"Come on Mom!" Noah yelled out as everyone was waiting on Olivia. "Liv, honey, are you going to take forever? We only plan on staying out for 2 hours." You slightly yelled out too. You were all dressed up as the Incredibles and you were all wearing coats due to the cold weather. "Sorry I'm late, I had to make sure I was good," Olivia said while putting her coat on And giving you a peck on your lips. "I forgot to grab my phone. I was looking for it.” “Okay, let’s go, everyone!” Noah smiled as he held Kalani’s hand and your hand and they both ran out of the apartment, excited to get candy. You laughed as you followed after the kids. Olivia smiled as she held your hand and continued to make her way out the door.

After some time, you eventually came home and both kids were tired. Kalani was already in your arms asleep while Noah was yawning continuously. You and Olivia woke them both up and gave them a quick bath and put their PJs on. Soon after they were fast asleep as soon as you put them in the bed. You smiled as you closed their shared bedroom door. You walked back into the living room together as Olivia sat down with her legs propped on the couch. She was watching you move around in the kitchen. She let out a sigh, "Hey do you want to watch a movie? I haven't had enough time to spend with you this week and it would be nice to spend some time with you now that the kids are sleeping." You smirked and nodded as you began to make a bowl of popcorn

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[Alex Cabot]

Alex had her office decked out for Halloween. Miniature knick-knacks were spread out on her desk as fall-colored leaves hung like garland on her door and around the small, calm office. You placed a knock on the door and waited for an answer. "Come in." You heard on the other side of the door. "My hands are full, I need help." Alex chuckled as she got up and opened the door to be faced to you holding a box of donuts with coffee on top. She smiles helps you out and takes the coffee from off the top and you wall in. “Since it's Halloween and you’re still here at work, I might as well spend some time with you." You grinned.

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[Casey Novak]

"Hey, Case! Do you know where my black heels are?" You said while looking around your shared bedroom. "They're in here!" You walked back into the living room to see them at the front door alongside Casey waiting for you to finish. "Thanks." You put them on and stepped back. "How do I look?" You gave Casey a pose. "Very sexy," Casey smirked. You were wearing a velvet dress with a black cape and black heels with a witch hat. "Are you sure this is a company party? You look too hot for this." You laughed at Casey's line of questioning. "Case, your coming with me." Casey sighed, "That's right. Let go before I cause us to be late." She smirked. "Oh? You naughty girl. C'mon before we're late." and with that, you left out the door.

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[Amanda Rollins]

"All right kiddos, we have to check your candy," Amanda said while taking Billie's and Jessie's candy bucket. "Why mommy, I want some now!" Billie shouted. "Oatcake, we have to make sure that there isn't any bad stuff in it. Once we finish we'll already give you one piece only for tonight but it's late and you both shouldn't be eating any more candy this tonight. You'll have plenty to eat tomorrow." You stated as they both pouted while heading to their beds. You and Amanda tucked them in. "I promise once R/n finishes, she'll give you some," Amanda said while placing a kiss on Jessie's forehead. "Pinky promise?" Jessie said while holding her tiny pinky out. Amanda smiled. "Pinky promise." Amanda held out her pinky and interlocked it with Jessie's. "Good night you two. We love you." You said while turning their light off but keeping the night light on. They both said goodnight as you both walked out and closed the door.

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{Emily Prentiss}

"Aww, Sergio! Mama got you the best outfit ever." You said while taking a picture of him. Sergio was dressed up as a vampire with a little red cape. Emily laughed, "I'm pretty sure that that is not going to stay on very long. Most likely he's going to take that off." "Well, yeah but it's best to catch him in the act while he still has it on." You showed Emily the picture as you sat back down on the couch next to her. "Now that's a handsome boy!" You laughed at Emily. "Em look." You pointed at Sergio who now had his cape off. "Aw C'mon Serg, that was pricey." You grinned. "Luckily we have that little pumpkin collar."

________________

{Jennifer Jereau}

"I'll make the popcorn." JJ said while getting up from the conference table. Everyone was in the conference room after hours to watch a scary movie for family movie night. "I'll help." you said while getting up with JJ. You walked out the room and headed toward the break room. JJ was at the microwave waiting for the popcorn to pop. She turned around to see you and she smiled and planted a kiss on your lips. "How are you." She asked. "I could be better. Is there any butter in the fridge because it would be nice for the popcorn to have some extra butter." You asked while making your way to the refrigerator. The microwave beeped as you placed some butter in the bowl while JJ took the popcorn out and put it in a big bowl. You placed the butter in the microwave. JJ finished putting the popcorn in the bowl and grabbed some salt. “Wait.” The grabbed the butter out the microwave and put it over the popcorn. “Now.” JJ put the salt over the popcorn and shook the bowl to make it even. You grabbed a piece and popped it in your mouth. “Perfect. Let’s go.” You both made your way to the conference room.

________________

{Ashley Seavers}

"Come on, you have to pick one," Ashley stated as she placed the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table. You rolled your eyes in annoyance. "Where's the Halloween spirit R/n?" Ashley teased. "Ash, I already told you, I'm not watching a scary movie tonight. I can play a scary game but I'm absolutely not going to watch one." You stated while placing a had full of popcorn in your mouth. Ashley sighed as she complied. "Okay fine, as long as you play Resident Evil 2." You gasp. "What no! I'm not playing that game! That shit is scary and you know I hate zombies!" Ashley laughed, "That's the only game that I have that is remotely scary, and the rules are rules. You were the one that made them" She passed you the controller with a smirk. "Why do I even bother with you?" You grabbed the controller and turned the game on. "Because you love me" Ashley gave you a kiss as she laughed. "Yeah, yeah."

_________________

{Penelope Garica}

You knocked on Penelope's door. "Come in." She shouted on the other side. You opened the door. "Hello my Darling. how can I help you?" You smiled as you placed a bag on the table near her. "I brought you some goodies for the Halloween season." Penelope gasp. "For me? I'm am overjoyed by your greatness Madam. How every shall I pay you?" Penelope stood up. "Well, one thing you can do for me is this." You placed a kiss on her lips while holding her hands. You could always feel her melt from your kisses. "This is a good one." She said in between kisses. You smiled. "Enough of this, lets open your goodies." You said while giving her one last kiss. "Garcie has been a good girl, what do you have for me?"

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navalcriminalimagines · 3 years

Text

Pairings: Rafael Barba x Reader, Sonny Carisi x Reader

Warnings: none?

Words: 4,511

Prompt: Rafael spent years keeping his feelings for you hiding.

Missed shot

When Rafael Barba started to work with Manhattan’s SVU, you’d been a detective there for almost two years. You joined the squad shortly before Stabler left. You saw Nick Amaro and Amanda Rollins joining in too. At first, Cragen partnered you with Amanda, and Olivia with Nick, but considering it wasn’t working between Liv and Nick, changes were made, and Nick became your partner.

You two quickly became close, like a brother-sister relationship. He told you about his issues with Maria, you were the first (and only one) to know when him and Amanda became a thing. So, obviously, you told him your secret.

“This is Tomas,” you told Nick, as you were showing him a picture of an 8-year-old boy. “My son,” you added. “Don’t bother counting, I did give birth to him when I was 17.”

“He’s cute. Looks a lot like you,” Nick smiled at you. “Nobody in the squad know?” he asked.

“Cragen does. But he’s our Captain and it’s in my file. But the rest, nope,”

“Why not?”

You told him more about your debut in the police. At first, you did hide the fact that you were a mom. But you quickly realized that your coworkers and others were judging you. People took you as immature, non-serious, and some guy actually pictured you as an easy girl. You hated every second of your debut. So, when you joined the bomb squad, you decided to make your son a secret. It’s much better this way.

Olivia learned about your son when she took Cragen’s place. A part of her was surprised, but another wasn’t. She saw you with kids, you do have that mother instinct. And of course, she promised that nobody would know about Tom.

Working with the SVU squad wasn’t an evidence for Rafael Barba. Nick gave him hard time for no apparent reasons, Amanda wasn’t a fan of him. Fin didn’t care much. But luckily, Olivia welcomed him nicely and then there was you. You were sweet to him, kind. You asked him if you whether call him “Rafael” or “Barba” – “Your choice,” he answered. You ask him how he’s doing every time you see him. You usually bring him a coffee when you stopped by his office.

You’re nice, gorgeous, young, smart, badass… it didn’t take long for Rafael to get interested in you. More than just as coworker. But this couldn’t be happening, so he started to stay away from you as much as possible. At first, it was easy since Rafael only sees you as a detective. He doesn’t know anything about you outside of the office, only that you have Swedish origins from your father. He doesn’t want to know more. He doesn’t need to.

But despite himself, he overheard conversations between you and Nick every now and then. When the name “Tom” came back multiple times, Rafael assumed you had a boyfriend. Good. This should make things easier.

For two years working together, you and Rafael had a normal work relationship. He kept his crush under-wrap, seeing people every now and then, when the thought of you was too much. Sometimes it was one-night stands, sometimes a bit more. But he never kept seeing the same person for more than two months. That’s when people want to make things more permanent. Rafael doesn’t want that.

Keeping you at arm’s length was perfect for him. He couldn’t let you in. He wasn’t open for a serious relationship, and he felt like you could turn his world upside down if he let you in.

He almost did when Nick got shot. You were very worried for your partner, Rafael almost hugged you when you started to cry in front of him. But Liv called at the same point, so he didn’t. And then Nick left SVU, and New York. His departure hurt you a lot, for a moment, Rafael thought you two had some kind of an intimate relationship. But he remembered a conversation you two had.

“Hey Barba, we’re going out for drinks. Wanna join?” you casually asked.

“What’s the occasion?”

“Okay, first, do you need an occasion to go out for drinks? And second, it’s just that Nick needs to get his mind off the breakup,”

“So, it’s definitely over between him and his wife?”

“Yeah, she’s moving to DC with Zara. He’s not doing great,”

“But he can always count on his other partner,” Rafael said, without thinking.

You chuckled, “What does that mean?”

“You two are—close,” Hopefully, it didn’t sound like jealousy. Which it actually was.

“Amanda is the one he slept with, not me. I’d rather sleep with you,” you left right after.

This was months ago, but Rafael still couldn’t believe you said that. He tried not to overthink about it, but he couldn’t. Was this just a joke? Were you just trying to prove a point? Or did you see him as more than just a coworker? He considered trying to explore this, but before he found the courage to do something about it, Sonny Carisi joined the squad and became your partner.

You missed Nick a lot, but you welcomed Sonny with open arms, unlike the others at first. He will forever be thankful about that. It didn’t take long for Rafael to see that you had a bond with Sonny, just like the bond you had with Nick. Maybe more. Liv told him a few times that being partners when you’re a cop is very special. He understands that, but it doesn’t he likes it when it comes to you.

Few months after Sonny join in, Rafael heard the name Tom again. You must have to Sonny about your boyfriend. Since he didn’t hear that name for months, he assumed that you two had broken up. But apparently not. Meaning that there’s nothing romantic with Carisi, but you still have a boyfriend. So, Rafael tried to forget what you told him and kept trying to convince himself that what he’s feeling for you isn’t love.

More months went by. It was obvious for Rafael that Carisi had a thing for you. He didn’t like it, but there’s nothing he can do. But he kept turning down all of your offers when the squad met up for drinks. He didn’t need that. He didn’t want to know the you outside work.

One day, he showed up to the precinct. No one was nowhere to be find. He spotted a gift wrapped on your desk. Curious, he took a closer look. There was a card. He looked around, still no one. So, he tried to take a look at the card.

“That’s very noisy of you, counselor,” he heard for behind. You. He jumped from the surprise, let go of the card.

“A box on a detective’s desk. Had to be sure it wasn’t a bomb,” he said, trying to keep a straight face. You laughed at his excuse.

“Would love to see your reaction if you saw a bomb,” you said, with a smile on your face. Apparently, you aren’t mad, so that’s good.

“I’d rather not,” he shyly smiled at you. “What would your reaction be?”

“Considering that I’ve been there before, I would keep my calm and do my best to defuse it,” you said before walking to the coffee area. Rafael analyzed your words for a moment before joining you.

“Come again?”

“Spent two years with the bomb squad before joining SVU,” you casually said, handing him the cup of coffee you just poured.

In four years, this was the first personal information you gave him. He almost couldn’t believe it.

“I—I didn’t know,”

“Well, yeah. We never talked about anything else than our cases,”

“True,” he took a sip. “And why would that be? In your opinion,”

“Because you don’t like me,”

You had poured another cup for yourself and walked up straight to your desk after those words. You sat, grabbed the gift to put it aside and started to look at something on your computer. Rafael was stunned for a moment but joined you again. He closed your laptop, and leaned against your desk, right next to you. He had never been this physically close to you before.

“Why in the world would you think that?” He asked.

“We’ve been working together for four years, Barba. Not once, did you show some kind of interest in me. You’re best friends with Liv, you tolerate Amanda, you’re courteous with Fin. Hell, you gave hard time to Sonny for the first year but now you agreed for him to shadow you. But me? I feel like you wish I wasn’t here,”

Rafael stayed silent for a moment, analyzing your words. Indeed, he tried to keep his distance with you, but he never thought it made you feel that way. He felt very bad about himself.

“But hey, no problem, okay? We’ve been able to make it work that way for years, there’s no reasons we can’t keep going,”

“You’re very wrong—about everything, Y/N.”

“Then what is it?” You locked your sweet blue eyes into his. For a moment, he was afraid you may see all the love he has for you in his eyes. What reasonable excuse could he tell you? His mind raced. But thankfully, the rest of the squad came back at that moment.

“Barba, Y/N. Are you interrupting?” Rollins smiled.

“Nope,” Rafael stood up right and followed Liv into her office. You watched him leave. No answer. Again.

The gift was actually from Sonny, but it wasn’t for you. It’s for Tomas, who’s now 13 years old. The father left when you told him you were pregnant (he was a bit older) and never saw him again. You raised Tom by yourself, with the full support of your parents, luckily. Your son showed up his interest in makeup and esthetic about a year ago. You completely support him in his passion, brought him whatever he needed/wanted.

Sonny went shopping with his 16 years old niece Mia during the weekend and she wanted to go to the Sephora. He asked her what he could offer to Tomas.

“Uncle Sonny. Are you trying to seduce the mother by being so nice to the son?” Mia asked with a smirk on her face.

“Okay, first, I wouldn’t need to do that. And second, it’s just that—it’s not easy to be different. I just want him to know that he can count on me,”

“Like you wished you could count on someone when you realized you were bisexual?”

Sonny looked at his niece with wide eyes. He still isn’t out to his family. How could she know? “Last year, I figured that this Sam you talked about wasn’t a she but a he. And--I’m bi, too, Uncle Sonny.”

That’s a lot to process in two minutes, while he is standing in the middle of a makeup store.

“There’s nothing wrong with that…right?” Mia added.

“Oh, of course not, sweetheart!” He immediately answered. “When did you know?”

“I was sure when I fell in love with a girl, a few months ago,” she confessed.

Sonny hugged his niece and kissed her hair. “What’s her name? I’d love to meet her,”

“Joy. And that would be nice. I’m so happy I finally told you,”

“I’ll never judge you. And I’ll always be there for you,”

In the squad, you were the only one Sonny came out to. Which makes the two of you even closer.

After the gift “incident”, you and Rafael didn’t talk again for weeks. To be fair, he was trying to avoid you. He almost confessed his feelings for you and that can’t be happening. After this, Rafael decided to call back a woman he used to see. She’s beautiful, smart, nice and wants the same things he does. Exactly what he needs.

He never wanted to talk about his personal life at work, but one day, you showed up in his office. Rafael was on the phone, his back to the door. He didn’t hear you come in, so he kept making plans with Judith. You listened, and felt your chest tightened.

Before he hung up, Rafael heard the door of his office closing. He turned around; nobody was there but he saw you walking out through the blinds. You had heard and walked away.

When Rafael told you, you were wrong about your assumptions, you thought that maybe he was feeling the same way you did. Turns out, you were wrong.

It was Tom’s 14th birthday. You helped him planned an afternoon party. He told you he invited about 10 friends.

But no one showed up. Your son didn’t feel ashamed about his passion - thanks to you and Sonny, mostly - but apparently, his “friends” didn’t like it.

“Baby, why didn’t you tell me they were bullying you? On Monday I’ll go see your principal,”

“Exactly for this. If you do this, it’s gonna be worse. Maybe I should stop,”

“Stop what? Doing something you like? Not under my watch, T. Those kids are just the reflections of their close-minded parents,”

“Yeah, but at least people show up to their birthday parties,”

It broke your heart to see your son like this. You needed to fix this. You need to see your son happy. All day, every day. You went to the bathroom and called Sonny.

“Sonny, I need you,” you said when he answered. “Short things first, those stupid kids didn’t show up to T’s party. There’s no one here. Can you come? With Mia? And Joy? I’m gonna call Liv, see if she can come with Noah,”

“I’m with Mike right now so he’ll be with me. Call Fin too, we’ll stop by Amanda’s to pick her and Jesse,”

“Okay, that’s great, thanks Sonny,”

“Of course. Tom will remember his 14th birthday I promise. Why don’t you call Barba too?”

“Why in the world would I do that?”

“It would be rude not to. Don’t you think?”

“I guess. I’ll see. Can you be there in about an hour?”

You call Liv and she agreed, same for Fin. But Sonny was right, you had to call Rafael.

“Barba,” he answered.

“Hey, it’s Y/N. Sorry to bother you on Saturday afternoon. Um—if you aren’t busy, what do you think about stopping by my son’s birthday? It’s kinda unfair, but stupid kids didn’t show up. I call everyone, they’re all coming. But hey, don’t feel obligated. You don’t have to if you don’t—“

“Okay,” he answered before you could finish your monologue.

“Okay?” You repeated.

“Yeah. When should I be there? And how old is he?”

“I said an hour to everyone. And if you’re asking his age to buy him a gift, don’t bother. Right now, all he needs is people to be there to celebrate,”

“Y/N, don’t make me argue please. How old is your son?”

“14.”

“Okay, thanks. See you in an hour then. Text me the address, please,”

“See you, Rafael,”

Rafael tried to stay calm and natural in front of Judith, but there were some many things in his head right now. Since he went to the bedroom to answer your call, he lied to the woman he was with, pretending a work emergency to leave.

You have a kid. A teenage kid, actually. A quick count made him realized you gave birth when you were 17. Many things made sense now. He needs confirmation but it seems clear that, this Tom he heard about, is actually your son, and not your boyfriend like he assumed.

How could he not know about this? You’ve been working together for almost five years now. He really kept his distance with you. But somehow, he still fell hard for you.

“Hey Liv, I got a call from Y/N. I’d like to buy a little something for her son, do you have any idea?”

“Well, do you know anything about makeup?”

“I beg your pardon?”

Liv laughed. “Where are you? I can pick you up and we stop by a store to buy him something,”

“Okay, I trust you on that.”

An hour later, everybody was there. You welcomed them as they arrived. “If he doesn’t like it, that’s on Liv,” Rafael joked as he handed you the gift he had for your son.

“Nope. That’s on that sells woman that was clearly hitting on you,” Liv interjected.

“She wasn’t— okay, she was. But not my type,”

“Yeah, and Judith probably wouldn’t like it,”

“I don’t know about that. And she doesn’t need to know anyway,” he smiled.

Tom’s mood improved when he saw Mia and Joy. You and Sonny introduced them months ago and Tomas is crazy about them.

“What happened to your face?” Mia asked and Tom frowned. “No makeup, seriously T?” She added, before taking him by the hand.

“Wait—“ you stopped them before they reached the bedroom. “Tomas, meet Mike and Rafael, first. They are the only ones you haven’t met yet,”

It made sense that Tom hadn’t met Mike yet, since he joined SVU a couple of months ago. But yeah, it stings to Rafael. Five years. And he didn’t know.

“You look like a cop,” he said Mike, “but you don’t,” he then said to Rafael.

“Cause I’m not. I’m an ADA, Assistant Dis—“

“I know what it is,” he cut him. “Thank you for coming,”

“Can we do his makeup now?” Mia called out and the three of them — adding Jesse who wanted to go too — disappeared in the bedroom for a moment.

“Thanks, guys, for showing up this quick. It’s a mess,” you sadly said. “T told me that he’s being bullied at school because he loves makeup, lets his hair grow. Apparently, they are calling him a sissy,” your jaw clenched. Rafael saw the mama bear in you. “He doesn’t want me to interfere. But maybe I should anyway,”

“You’re here for him. We all are, that’s what he needs,” Sonny said, wrapping his arm around your shoulders to bring you comfort. Rafael tried to avoid the jealousy in his belly.

Opening gifts arrived fast. Everyone brought him something, mostly makeup stuff. Sonny actually got him an appointment in a famous hair salon in Manhattan. Now that his hair is long enough, Tom mentioned wanting to get a real haircut. Mike listened to Sonny’s advices for his gift.

“This is from Nick,” Liv said as she gave Tom a gift. “He wants you to call later,”

“Mom!! That’s two tickets for California!” Tomas exclaimed before reading the note. “And he’s offering me surfing lessons! When are we going? Before—“

“Soon, my love.” You said before he could finish his sentence.

Then came Rafael’s gift. “You can return it if you don’t like,” he said. But Tom’s face lit up when he saw what it was.

“Mom!!!” He showed you the gift, with a huge grin on his face.

“Wow! You finally got it,” you returned his smile and moved a little to stand by Rafael’s side.

“Thank you so much, Rafael!” Tom stood up and hugged the ADA. Some affection Rafael didn’t expect.

“He’s been bugging me for this palette for weeks. I told him to wait because it’s damn expensive,” you whispered to Rafael.

“It’s okay. I’m glad he likes it,” he just answered.

Tomas was thrilled with all of his gifts. It feels good that with those people, he doesn’t have to hide himself, who he is and what he loves. Later, you noticed that Rafael setback from the others. You stood next to him.

“You’re not mad about the gift, are you?” He asked, before you could say anything.

“A little, to be honest,”

“I can pay for that,”

“I know. I see your clothes every day. But that’s not the point,”

“Then what is the point?”

“For the first five years of his life, I couldn’t buy him things. All the toys he had were gifts from my parents— when I made better money, I spoiled him. For years. And now, he’s a very smart teenage boy but he doesn’t necessarily have the value of money. Which I’m trying to teach him. And you showed up with this hella expensive palette, Nick got him plane tickets and surfing lessons. Even the appointment Sonny got him is expensive. That’s not helping,”

“Great,” he smiled, and you shot him a glare, “you’re not actually mad at me, but more at yourself,”

“Don’t do this. You’re not a parent, Rafael,”

“Indeed,” he took a deep breath, “And how come did I do not know you were one?”

“This will just bring us back to our convo from February, don’t you think? And we both know how it ended,”

“We were interrupted,”

“And you’ve been avoiding me ever since,”

So, you noticed that. You always noticed things. He hates that about you. He intensely looked at you, not knowing what to say exactly.

“But don’t worry, Barba, you won’t have to use force for that anymore,” you gently patted his shoulder and joined the others. “My love, do you mind if I steal your thunder for a moment?” You asked your son.

“Nope. Are you going to tell them?”

You looked at Liv for approval and signed Rafael to come closer, which he did. Everybody waited for you to talk. “I—I’m leaving SVU,” you said. There were gasps, widen eyes and Sonny choked on his beer. “Don’t die yet, Sonny. I haven’t finished,” you paused. “It’s no secret that my father was born in Sweden and move here after he fell in love with my mum,”

That, Rafael did know. You talked about your Swedish origins. “After my mum died, my father moved back there. And he’s been bugging us to come with him and considering I’ve always promised this one,” you said, playing with Austin’s hair, “that we would try to live there for a while, I’m actually taking a sabbatical. And next month, we’re flying to Sweden. But we’ll stop by California first, apparently,”

Only Liv knew. So, it came as a shock to everyone else.

The mood changed after that. They were all happy but also sad to see you and Tom leave. Mostly Sonny. It was very rare to witness a silent Sonny Carisi, but this was it. One by one, people started to leave the party. Mia and Joy took your son to the bowling alley. Rafael wanted to be the last so he could have a talk with you, but apparently, Sonny had the same thing in mind.

Rafael was helping you cleaning up the apartment when you noticed Sonny, on your small balcony. “How long has he been there?” You asked Rafael, who just raised his shoulders, clearly annoyed. You joined Sonny, not knowing that Rafael could hear everything you two were talking about.

“You okay there, Sonshine?” Sonny chuckled.

“A bit stunned, I guess.” He said, not looking at you.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I—I was afraid to tell you,”

“Why?”

“Because of what happened a few months ago. Because I’m scared to leave you. Because—I was afraid to change my mind after I told you,”

He finally looked at you. “I’ll never hold you back, Y/N. You know that? You talk so much about Sweden, so does Tom. I’m not completely surprised,”

“Under different circumstances—“ you said, letting the silence says the rest. Sonny turned to his side, so he was facing you.

“I was okay with being your second choice, Y/N, as long as you chose me. But you’re also leaving to be away from him, aren’t you?”

You nodded. “I don’t want to promise you anything, Sonny. But maybe—after that year away—“

He knew what you meant. Sonny put his hand on your cheek, softly caressing your skin with his thumb. Before he could lean in to kiss you, you both heard the balcony window opening. Rafael was standing there. “Who’s your first choice, Y/N?” He just asked. Sonny loudly sighed and turned his back to the lawyer.

“Not important, Rafael.”

“Por favor— answer me.”

“You, idiot,” Sonny muttered, still looking over Manhattan.

“Can—can you come inside for a moment, please?” Rafael asked.

“Don’t worry, I’m leaving,” Sonny said, and turned around to kiss your forehead, “Don’t make anything stupid. Call me,” he kissed your forehead again and walked past Rafael to leave.

“Great timing, Barba,” you sighed.

“I—I don’t understand,” he struggled to say.

“You may be a smart-ass lawyer but when it comes to relationships, you’re very dumb,”

“How long have you—?”

“Been in love with you? About three years. Somehow, the more you pushed me away, the more it made me fall,”

“I pushed you away only because I was scared. Scared of the things I feel for you,”

“You can’t—you can’t confess your love to me as I’m leaving the States, Rafael. That’s not fair,”

“If I don’t do it now, when am I supposed to do it? Over the phone while you’re in Sweden? Or when you come back and choose Carisi?” He paused. “Did you guys sleep together or something?”

“Definitely none of your business,” you said. “And you had five years. Five fucking years, during which all you did was making me feel like a burden for you,”

“I—I never meant to do that. I’m sorry,”

“It’s too late, Rafael. I’m leaving anyway,”

“I’ll wait for you if you ask me to,”

“I’m not. Just like I won’t ask that to Sonny,”

“Then—what? What do we do?”

“Nothing. I’m leaving with my boy in a few weeks, maybe I’ll come back next year, or maybe I won’t. And everybody goes on with their life,”

“Are you saying that I missed my shot with you?”

“Probably,”

This will be hard to swallow. Rafael probably never will, to be honest. But one thing is sure, he couldn’t miss his last chance to kiss you. He closed the gap between your bodies, and slowly put his hands on each side of your face. Since you weren’t pushing him away, he took it as a permission and leaned in to kiss you. He softly put his lips on yours. Right here, right now, on your balcony, nothing else mattered but you and him.

Things escalated quickly. The kiss got more intense, and you used force to make him step back into your apartment. Still kissing each other, Rafael slid his hands on your butt and your legs, gently squeezing to signal you to jump in his arms, which you did. He pulled away briefly, just to ask you which one was your bedroom.

He laid you down on the bed, clothes quickly fly across the room. This probably wouldn’t change a thing, but Rafael made love to you as if his life depends on it.

Indeed, it didn’t change a thing. Two weeks later, you and Tomas flew to California, spent two weeks there with Nick, before flying to Sweden.

Part two, anyone?

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