#to a degree that has actually been affecting my grades lol

[oceanmoss]

could you share a little more on your teaching experience? My degree offers an additional year to become a qualified teacher and Idk if I’ll do it or not <3

hiiii my teaching experience has been WILD tbh lol. if your degree is ultimately academic or if you want to be a teacher long-term then i would recommend that you do that extra year! my first and biggest advice is read and watch as many stuff as possible on classroom management because it's THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER. There's a really famous book called The First Days of School by harry and rosemary wong it's really helpful i wish i read it earlier :-) if ur degree offers training then defooo go for it it's been very difficult for me to go headfirst into teaching without training honestly 🤕 i teach first grade so hmm my experience so far is it's very wholesome and fulfilling when it works well but very overwhelming and difficult when it doesn't. i have three very challenging kids and i didn't stop their destructive behaviour from the beginning so now they're affecting other students a lot. if you have challenging students inform the supervisor or the parents as soon as possible and try to either lessen the number or find a remedial plan asap 🤕 you have to accept that some days will suck absolute ass and that's okay, you have to accept that ure probably gonna be a bad teacher at the beginning and that's also okay. it's overwhelming in general because you have to be multitasking all the time. if you're teaching little kids one of my biggest recommendations is do fun hands on activities with them as much as possible because they get bored really fast and when they do you lose control. but also don't worry about being in control 24/7, you'll lose control a lot and that's also okay :-) don't take things personally ever with kids and also don't shout a lot. i used to use my loud voice whenever someone does anything kinda wrong and now it's very normalised to the point that they dgaf if i scream or not lol so don't do my mistake try to be as calm as possible all the time so that when you get angry it actually counts. try to reinforce and congratulate any good behaviour or improvement and try classdojo, it helped me a lot! it's also okay if it feels very scary and confusing at the beginning! one and a half months in and i'm learning so much but still struggling with stuff so yeah! it needs a lot of resilience but once you get how ur class operates and learn how to manage it it becomes much lighter as a job. it's a very fulfilling job when you can see the kids learning and having fun and opening up 💛💛💛 i don't know what else to add but if you have more questions don't hesitate 🌻☀️

[gottagobuycheese]

Ten Very Specific Happiness-Inducing Things

(For the past four-and-a-half months I have been trying to write this list, only to be foiled by failing to save this as a draft in combination with repeated mass extinction events of my own technological creation. Sincere apologies to my computer, whose labor rights I have surely violated in every possible way. I promise I will shut you down on purpose some day instead of letting your battery run out from neglect, and will make a better effort not to accrue hundreds of new tabs in under a week ignoring, of course, that I opened over twenty new tabs in the making of this post.)

ANYWAYS, thank you to @theoldaquarian for tagging me, and apologies for taking so long! But know that even though it’s taken a long time to actually make this list, even just keeping it in the back of my mind and being reminded of it every now and then has been a nice bit of brightness these past few months :D 

And now, three paragraphs later whoops here is the actual list, in no particular order, which will inevitably be much longer than necessary: 

1. When something silly happens to you in public and it makes a handful of strangers laugh/smile 

(The thing that specifically comes to mind here is the time this particularly vicious seagull stole a chocolate croissant right out of my hand. It was a tiring morning. and I was on my way back from from what I believe was our neonates exam, and I’d literally just stepped outside Tesco, two bites and half a euro into my croissant as a reward to myself for making it through the harrowing experience, when this UTTER BASTARD swoops underneath my elbow to steal this half-eaten croissant from my closed fist. AND IT WORKED. But I couldn’t even be mad about it, it was just one of those John Mulaney days and it WAS pretty dang funny, so I just yelled that it owed me fifty cents and went on with my walk) 

2. The color blue 

(This need not be explained) 

3. Successfully quoting a whole scene or episode from memory that you haven’t read or watched in years 

(Will ANYTHING compare to reciting the entire band geeks Spongebob episode on the way back from marching band rehearsal with a bunch of people from different sections chiming in whom you may not even know?? Remains to be seen) 

4. People making music out of unconventional sounds 

(BIGGEST shoutout to @silent--sonata for showing me the power of microwave bleeps and keyboard clacks) 

(And also anyone else who’s ever heard fire alarms, car alarms, creaky old pipes, or weird hose noises and decided the next best thing to do is to break out your instrument(s) and improvise some cool jams) 

(And can’t forget office supplies)

5. Showing someone the recorder cover of the Titanic song for the very first time 

(I think I nearly killed my friend that time, 10/10 would recommend)

6. Finding a stairwell with the perfect kind of echo to yell/sing/whistle/Play Some Kind of Music in 

7. When you’re running/walking/Doing A Task exactly to the beat of the music you’re listening to 

(Shoutout to Toby Fox for writing Spear of Justice at the exact tempo required for me to book it to the six o’clock bus less than fifteen minutes after waking up) 

8. Dancing and singing horribly to really cheesy Bollywood music on a rooftop in the middle of a monsoon 

(Bonus points for lugging up one of those old fashioned antennae radio and sticking an umbrella over it) 

(Doesn’t even have to be Bollywood music tbh, any music you can’t sing well — ESPECIALLY instrumental music) 

9. Scrambling across the city with a bunch of strangers in someone’s car whom you’ve never met before for the sole purpose of catching a legendary Pokémon 

(There’s nothing quite like wandering around in front of some tiny dilapidated church until a nondescript black car pulls up beside you and rolls down the window to allow the passenger to stick their head out the window and go: “[REDACTED]? Get in” and then speed away because the timer for the nearest Entei’s running out. It almost felt like an action movie lol)

10. When the wind tussles your hair in just the way that makes you feel like a Ghibli movie protagonist 

(To which I quote: IN THE SPIRIT OF OWNING ONE’S CRINGE) 

Thanks again for tagging me! This was a delightful thing to brainstorm and good reminder of the little positive things that keep us going day to day, despite whatever else is going on. Anyways, absolutely NO pressure to make a list (I know this is likely a repetition or something very out-of-the-blue to most of you), but because I am greedy and would love to see my dash filled with whatever oddly specific things that make y’all happy: @pachelbelsheadcanon, @averybritishbumblebee, @internetkatze, @mehrto, @yeswevegotavideo, @beingjanee, @drivingsideways, @rogueofdragons, @ifeelbetterer, @queenerdloser, and GENUINELY anyone else who wants to share their tiny happinesses. The more the merrier! 

(EDIT: The formatting is being very annoying and won’t indent, so I went and bolded the different numbers instead. Sorry if it’s difficult to read!)

[south-park-meta]

how would you describe Stan and randys relationship?

Oh God I have some thoughts.

Well I think that Randy legitimately loves Stan. I also think that despite Stan saying 'I hate you' to Randy recently that Stan still legitimately loves his dad, too. It's just getting harder and harder to express his frustration for Randy and for living on Tegridy Farms as a whole because using his actual words has gotten shot down HARD. Especially considering the Pandemic Special it's hard to root for Randy, but I think that if they still lived in town their relationship would be mostly fine, and I think if they moved back to town their relationship would be mostly recoverable from where it's at.

But as a whole until recently I think their relationship was close. Yeah Stan was embarrassed by Randy....a lot... at things like baseball games. But he's also defended his dad despite being embarrassed by him. He's also sincerely smiled at and wanted to spend time with Randy, doing fun things together. He's also consistently had no problem with telling his parents when things are wrong with him on a personal level. He talks to them over dinner when things go bad without any arm-twisting, and really without even hiding anything. Even now that Randy is extremely dismissive, Stan says outright to his parents that he wants to move back to his old home. Even with being repeatedly ignored, they DO have a relationship where he feels safe and comfortable enough to voice his feelings about stuff like that, or about having bad days at school-- getting bad grades, not getting along with kids, whatever. He hides very little about himself from either of his parents unless he has to to sneak out to hang out with his friends or something of that nature.

What he DOES hide more of recently is his depression. Not over things like wanting to go home. He does say what would make his life easier. What he actually WANTS. But the depth of being sad, the degree to which he's struggling is very uniquely something he does not talk to his parents about. In the Pandemic Special

Sharon How was school, Stanley?

Stan It's not school! It's a freakin' joke. We're not even learning anything.

Sharon I know this has all been really hard on you, Stanley. Do you wanna talk about it?

Stan No, I'm fine, Mom! You know, I'm strong. I'm just worried about how this is all affecting weaker kids like, you know, like Butters.

Sharon Yeah. Well, it's nice you care about our friend, but if you need to talk... I know this is really hard on everyone.

Like it's not even that he's not talking to his friends out of embarrassment. He's also not talking to his parents about it. And WHY he's not is right there: he wants to seem strong for them. But why is that?

And that's something that comes down to, primarily, his relationship with Randy. It is honestly, truly, filled not only with love but like. He often has a good and friendly relationship with Randy when he's not being embarrassed by him. It is also filled with dysfunction. That's true for his entire family dynamic (like his parents breaking up and getting back together a million times), but a lot of its focal point is Randy, plus that's what the ask's about so I'll hone in on that lol.

One of my very favorite, like hands-down VERY FAVORITE Randy and Stan moments is the end of Bloody Mary after they talk about going home and Randy gives him a piggy back ride.

I love the hell out of this. There aren't that many moments on South Park, collectively, where you can say parents and kids actually like hanging out together. This is a moment where it is clear as day that Stan and Randy love each other and WANT to spend time together. Randy loves his son. Stan WANTS his father.

It's also come at the end of an entire episode of Stan having to play the adult while his dad plays the child because he's an alcoholic. He's had to take on the role many alcoholics' kids take and tend to his dad's emotional and physical needs-- even, at eight years old having to drive his dad around because it's ON HIM to get his dad help, or Randy will just drive himself and risk getting in a car crash or getting arrested and spending 10 years away from his family. As a side note, this episode is a fantastic foil to recent seasons: in this episode, Stan actually drives the car to keep his dad from getting arrested, because he loves Randy and wants him there at home. In recent episodes, Randy is again threatened with being thrown in jail for a long time and Stan is filled with relief just because it means he can finally go back home. That is a big, big, important change.

Moments like that, moments where he's loved his dad with his whole, entire heart and put himself at risk to protect Randy, have affected his ability to share the things that make him weak. That make him have to really be the child, taken care of for more than a day or two. He might ask to go to the doctor, he might say something's wrong-- but the extended support, the actual admittance that he's not coping well, is difficult for him to talk about because he's been slammed into the caretaker role with Randy since he was in the third grade at the LATEST.

The change has been depression. And not just Stan's. That's made it difficult for Stan to talk about things, sure. But the entire family has been depressed.

You're Getting Old:

Randy Because I'm unhappy, okay?! I've been unhappy for a long time! [Sharon reflects on this for a moment and her voice goes soft] Sharon I'm unhappy too. We both are, obviously. How much longer can we keep doing this? It's like, the same shit just happens over and over and, then in a week it just all resets until- it happens again. Every week it's kind of the same story in a different way but it, it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.

Randy I don't know if I've changed or you have. I just feel like I might not have a whole lot of time left and... I want to enjoy it.

Sharon I want to enjoy it too, but... I can't fake it anymore. You just seem kind of shitty to me.

Randy You kind of seem shitty to me too.

Sharon People get older, Randy. People grow apart.

Ass Burgers:

Sharon [somber and unsure] We talked a lot and, we know it's what's best for you kids and, I don't know...

Stan No, Mom, sometimes you've got- a left turn.

Sharon People get older, Stanley. And as you get older you realize... the best thing to do is just... stick with what you know.

Dead Kids:

Sharon There's been another school shooting. Stan's been shot.

Randy Shuh-should we get down there?

Sharon [Sighs] It's not the end of the world. [smiles]

Randy [sighs in relief] Aaaaah. I love you, Sharon. [they hug as he cries on her shoulder]

Tegridy Farms:

Randy I am seriously over it. Don't you just wanna start over? Go back to simpler times?

Sharon What do you mean?

Randy I've had it. School shootings, pieces of shit taking Ambien and tweeting, priests raping kids, and somehow... I'm not laughing anymore. Let's do it, Sharon. What I've always talked about. Let's get out of here. Go buy a farm and live off the land.

Sharon Are you being serious?

Randy Never been more serious.

Randy and Sharon have been depressed. They've been struggling. They struggled as a couple. They struggled separately. And they continue to struggle after getting back together. They continue to be depressed and miserable and feel the weight of the entire town of South Park. They struggle so much against the weight of everything that's fucked up, that they eventually cave to 'fucked up' being 'normal' and just...don't care when Stan's shot. Even though they do, ACTUALLY, love him. They're just so worn down.

So they make a radical change and move to Tegridy, where they can get a fresh start and be happy.

Except they aren't.

Sharon, Stan, and Shelly all think it sucks and say so. They're willing to chalk it up as a failure, even when it seems to have nothing to do with making enough money to stay afloat. They're all in agreement they should just go back home because moving has done nothing to fix what was actually wrong with them.

Randy fights it.

But the thing is, Randy's depressed too. He thinks Tegridy, his dream, sucks too. He's still depressed. He's still an alcoholic. And both things are worse than before. He's seen drinking more. He's seen going on more hard drug benders than in earlier seasons. He is miserable and he is spiraling.

The reason he can't admit it is because he and Stan are a lot alike. Admitting Tegridy Farms isn't making him happy is the same as Stan admitting that the weird quest he tried to rope Kyle to going on to fix his cynicism wouldn't have helped. When it comes down to it they're both faced with admitting that the problem is them. That they're just cynical, depressed, miserable. That where they are, who they're with, isn't going to change that. They've both turned to their addictions to cope. They're both shorter-tempered than before.

The family as a whole is in a terrible mental space.

So Stan and Randy's relationship is dysfunctional in the way real world relationships are dysfunctional. They love each other. They even just like each other. They will protect each other. But Stan's been pushed from being the child to being a parent by, at the absolute latest, third grade. He grew up with this as his normal. And yeah, when he was younger he was aware enough it was embarrassing, but when he was younger he could kind of handle it. He still loved his dad. He still wanted to spend time with his dad. The embarrassing stuff was like, a quirk. Just a 'well you know how my dad is' shrug of the shoulders. He was still happy and healthy, naive in many ways to alcohol abuse and mental instability. He could handle it even if it wasn't a good dynamic, and even if he knew it wasn't normal.

Stan's becoming depressed himself, becoming an addict himself, and losing the innocence of childhood that protects you from the bad things the world holds. He's becoming more and more weighed down, but because of his dynamic with his family, and Randy in particular, he's just kind of stuck with it. Telling his friends feels like a burden. Telling his family feels like a burden. He's been trying to help himself, both in unhealthy ways like addiction, and in healthy ways like making new friends and playing card games/board games. But it's hard. And his and his dad's problems are feeding off of each other. Stan and Randy are very much alike. In good ways, and in terrible ways.

Even their best as we know it on South Park isn't normal or a situation Stan should be in. But I do think that Randy loves his son and even now at its worst I do think that Stan loves Randy-- he's just so ridiculously exhausted he can't stand his dad at all. They need a lot of help to get to a healthier place but I think there's a core there that could facilitate it in a way I don't think is possible with some other family relationships in SP.

[lexpressobean]

The thing about writing fanfiction for me is that once I start a multi-chapter fic (tho I've only ever posted a grand total of 2 ever lol both still unfinished rip OTL) I apparently never brainstorm enough. Or too much! 'Cause by nature I live for "what ifs" and it's wrecking me lol, I can't move on...! But this is a Modern AU setting and now I can't stop developing Shibi and Shino in a general sense (and Shibi's involvement is very minor compared to other characters too like I need to chill??) But I guess this goes for my Modern AU in general, so here's are some thoughts no one asked for!

One big HC I have is that Shibi is a well renowned musician, and Shino also has a lot of talent in music as well. This is because in my head, though Aburame and their hive can communicate to some degree, they're also known to be affected by their respective Aburame's emotions. And they audibly buzz and get excited by it all and I seemed to unfailingly liken all that to vibrations, like of musical sounds, and then it kinda leads up to that fidgeting a person might do when they get very emotional or passionate but can't voice it because they need to stay quiet or simply don't know how to talk about something. In general I think both Shibi and Shino are decent enough communicators when it matters, but they ARE pretty quiet people. And I feel like one of the best ways to release and express otherwise pent up emotional tension and energy is by straight up blasting music to drown out everything else. And it feels even MORE satisfying by the end of it when you're the one who was actually putting out the notes!! Anyone can make noise, but truly inspired music is such a trip! Every single note accounted for (even the "rest" notes!!) symbolizes 1 kikaichu and so just the idea of being able to read and produce music and bringing it all to life just makes complete sense to me and fills me with serotonin when I think about Father/Son jamming sessions between them...!!!

more specific nonsense under the cut because idk how to shut up lol

And! And despite this being a Modern AU HC thing, it looks like Shino's actually been shown to semi(?)canonly play an electric guitar, and I've become fond of the idea of Shibi's first instrument being a bass guitar too~

Of course if that's the case, OBVIOUSLY Shibi would be a multi-instrumentalist. Obviously. And what I've been thinking is that by the time Shino is an adult. Shibi'd be a seasoned Film Score Composer. I feel like unless you're quite the music or movie fan, or work in the business, you probably aren't gonna be super into the composers in comparison to the actors and directors that work on the same movie lol So to the general public, Shibi Aburame isn't a name that brings out stars in anyone's eyes. But if you know, you know, and boy does Shibi have his work cut out for him. He's in demand for lots of those box office hits.

Also YES Shibi can sing, and he knows it, the man isn't the least bit shy to acknowledge it! But he never committed singing as a major part of his career as much as playing because that's just the kind of guy he is. These days he won't sing unless it serves a purpose in brainstorming for his next project or if he's in the privacy of his car/home, but even then it's more just soft but super accurate harmonizing on his part to a radio or stereo or whatever. But if Shino ever needed comforting, especially as a small child, he'd never hesitate to lull Shino back into calm with songs that he either liked or maybe made up together if the situation was appropriate. And ocassionally he'll start to sings at Shino as a means to annoy his son because why talk when you can sing to get your point across?? He's not always a serious guy, sometimes he can get soft too...!

Shino? Can also sing and play well without much effort at all. Though Shino didn't take it up as a career like Shibi did, and not as many instruments, Shino is definitely his father's son and is just as musically inclined. He could've if he wanted to but found he a had a strong preference to percussion and string specifically, and even then prefered plucking and strumming versus bowing strings, but his favorite bowed string is a cello! And being part of the newer generation, he might mess around with a laptop software/button pad/launchpad if he's feeling particularly inspired or wants to challenge himself a little more. But his bestest baby is the first electric guitar he bought on his own ;o;

Shino is more likely to sing at any given time in comparison to Shibi, but he's still usually alone, whether wiping off the board after class, doing chores, or maybe grading papers. Kiba and Hinata have both caught him doing so since they first met him, and Hinata compliments his talent when she does, but Kiba starts to dis his choice of music when he realizes Shino sings a lot older or obscure music "like a fucking hipster!" Shino doesn't dis Kiba's personal taste in music as much as disses Kiba for his lack of open mindedness and it makes Kiba rethink everything when Shino is able to play the melody of every song Kiba throws at him the first time he comes over to his house. Shino is very eclectic in his taste of music, but some of Shino's favorite genres for singing are indie pop, blues (especially older ones), and the occasional toned down but no less accurate musical number or power ballad just imagine him whisper singing fcking "Jukebox Hero" while he's scribbling notes vvvvrrmm.

Unlike Shibi or Shino, Torune isn't so big on making music as he is listening and writing poetry/lyrics DON'T TELL ANYONE SHHHH FCKIN SH. It's not that he doesn't have talent, he can also sing rather well and owns karaoke night, he is karaoke king! It not quite a discipline problem as it is a drive thing as he never seriously touched more than two instruments. He can manage about 4 chords on guitar, just enough to impress, but oddly enough he was drawn to and became terribly enamored with Shibi's vibraphone. He studied that thing profusely and whenever he comes back to visit from college and after, he always comes back to it and plays it as if he never skipped a day of practice. Will probably own his own vibraphone at some point for sure! So scratch that, it's simply a Family Jam Session I guess!

Idk, I'm ranting again lol

[wisteria-lodge]

burnt lion secondary (unhealthy courtier badger model & healthy bird model)

Hello, I really like your blog, especially your real people sortings. I also really liked your ACD Sherlock sorting. ( I only recently got into ACD Sherlock but Watson’s sorting makes so much sense, idk how I didn’t consider double Lion sooner. XD) 

Anyways, I’ve been having some issues with my secondary lately and I was wondering if you could please help? Only if you want to of course. 

… this is going to be another burnt secondary, isn’t it? 

I’ve almost always modeled Bird. I like collecting random info, and I like plans, they keep me organized. I also have anxiety and having planned through the whole thing helps. The secondary of most of the characters I have loved over the years has been Bird (probably because they fit the “smart” stereotype).

Sounds like a model to me, a tool that you’ve built yourself. 

I’m blunt for sure. That may be a result of having a super blunt mom though. It was in a “I’m going to be brutally honest with you because you need to know how the world works,” kind of way. The community I was raised in also kind of values being super honest. To the point where it’s just rude sometimes. So that may have affected my methods too. 

As a kid I was always expected to get good grades and stay out of trouble so I was very quiet and hardworking. If I am a Badger, I’m only a Bookkeeper Badger. I really don’t like having to use courtier Badger. It’s kind of what I was expected to use as a kid: “You’re the oldest, you have to take care of everyone else. You have to be a good example. You can’t argue with —–.” “You’re a girl, you can’t do that.” bullsh *t. And it just never felt like me. 

Those are some pretty brutal examples. 

I don’t think you were raised in a community that values honesty. I think you were raised in a community that values a strict Badger flavored performance, with an emphasis on deference to authority. But you value authenticity.

Honestly labeling myself as hardworking makes me uncomfortable lol. Because I’m really not. I’ve always felt like I don’t put in as much work as other people do and I’m not trying hard enough.

Whatever your secondary is, it’s Burnt. The hints of imposter syndrome are making me think Burnt Improvisational secondary rather than Burnt Built secondary.

So if I’m a Badger, I really don’t like having to use Courtier Badger simply because that’s what was expected and I’m done trying to fit anyone’s expectations. 

I’m starting to think Lion for you. 

I wouldn’t say I’m meticulous, I have nothing against baking mixes lol, and (probably) most importantly I don’t enjoy hard work. Why anyone would is a little confusing sometimes tbh. Then again, what constitutes as work? If you’re putting time into something you enjoy/find interesting it’s not work. It’s having fun. 

There is a third category that I’m going to call consensual work that, unfortunately, does not really seem to be part of your world. But I’m going to agree with you. That’s not a Badger answer. 

I’m pretty bad at improvising because I flounder and I don’t know what to do or say. 

You don’t use very nice language when you talk about yourself, you know that? 

I feel like I almost chose to use Lion and it’s not something that was always just there. I learned that lying doesn’t work, and honesty is the best policy. I couldn’t live up to people’s expectations, I decided to always just be myself. 

Well, we know you’ve been wearing a kind of heavy Badger model for a long time. And underneath it… I mean “be myself” is the Lion catchphrase. 

I was pretty confident Snake secondary wasn’t even a contestor but lately I’ve realized I’m more Snake than I thought lol. There was a post discussing Snake secondaries and “twisting the truth to your benefit, ” that started in @missbrunettebarbie​ ’s blog. @mooglesorts​ said some things that really made snake secondary easier to understand and relate to. I have twisted the truth to my benefit fairly often. Whenever I need to lie I’ll use that or just tell the truth and omit details. The main person who usually sees through it has always been my mom lol. 

Hmm. That does sound like the way Lions tend to lie… and you’re not a very good liar, you say? 

I also will definitely play up certain aspects of my personality just to be more likeable. 

That can also be a Courtier Badger thing… and we know you modeled that. 

Like I didnt want my friends to think I was stuck up in middle and high school, so I would play up how clumsy I was and how bad I was at lying.

I’d love to know why specifically why seeming “stuck up” bothered you so much. Did you not want your friends thinking you were inauthentic (Lion) or did you not want you friends thinking you were putting on airs? (Badger.) 

(That could have just been me turning the volume up like Lions do maybe?) 

Definitely could be.

All I know currently is that the secondary I want to be is Lion. Basically when I’m comfortable I’m loud and honest and direct and me and I feel free but otherwise I’m quiet and mostly insecure. Isn’t that everyone though? 

No. (That’s the description of a semi-Burnt Lion secondary.)

I think that if I am a Snake I like to be in neutral

… you mean like a Lion?

and use shifting when I’m just uncomfortable or desperate.

… you mean like when you’re forced to use the Courtier Badger model you dislike? 

I think my secondary may also be a bit burnt because I went through a period recently where all I wanted to do was escape and not actually solve problems, and while I’m better it’s probably still affecting my secondary to some degree.

Yep. 

This ask is looking to be more and more Snake as i write, but I guess someone else reading this may have a different view. 

YEP. (Are you getting any Snake, Snake secondaries who happen to be reading this?) 

Thank you so much for reading this mess of words. 

* 

I am so sorry about this. I know I already sent in a long-ass ask the other day, but I’ve been stressing over the bit about me not liking to use Courtier Badger. I really meant no offense. I think a nicer way to have put it would have just been that I don’t like using Courtier Badger because of bad experiences associated with it and I admire people who can use it. Please forgive me for being biased and hurtful. I also think I sounded misogynistic. Ignore my dumbass if I’m being weird tho..

… did you just send me a Courtier Badger-flavored follow up, explaining why you don’t like using Courtier Badger? 

(And seriously, enough with the negative self-talk)

[makeusfreefromthisfandom]

Anon asked: Heyyy! Can we have some HC on style 5 as fathers? Thank you

Yes! The boys as fathers have me so soft 🥺

Father Headcanons (Style 5)

I got carried away with these hcs... might have to make a separate post for each later on 😅 long post ahead!

Haru

Personally I imagine Haru with a daughter first

Like can you imagine how cute that would be? 🥺🥺the whole like father like daughter 🥺🥺

Haru doesn’t get this whole babies thing, in fact he’s panicking on the inside, but the moment he holds his child in his arms, it’s like every thought every worry has now become irrelevant

The only thing that matters is the child in his arms❤️

Smiles a lot more now because he is genuinely happy.

Even lets his laughs be heard more often just for his kid lol

When his child grows up a bit more, he definitely wants to teach them how to swim and how to ahem ~be one with the water~

He’s not a pushy father at all tho he won’t ever force his child to go down the swimming path and would rather have them get into something they are passionate about

Nevertheless, he still would like them to know how to swim atleast, it’s not a bad thing to learn

But um...he’s not the best of teachers...

Uncle Makoto here to save the day!

That being said, Haru always wants to be there for his child, be able to go to as much of their competitions/meets/games/etc. as he can even though he’s so busy with his own training schedules

He just wants to be there for them and he wants them to know that too<3

Oh um also...he’s bad at scolding...he’ll try to “scold” his little kid for doing something wrong like picking things off the ground and putting it in their mouth but his child just looks up at him like 😯

Also Haru changing diapers? Haha... “ahh (y/n)! How do I do this?”

He gets better at this tho over time :)

Watch his child not like Mackerel

He’s still confused over this whole father thing, but he knows that he really does want to love and be there for his child<3

Btw how cool would it be to have a dad being a world renowned swimmer? 😱

*haru excitingly watching as you feed your baby daughter (I see him w a daughter ok but it’s your choice) mackerel for the first time*

*baby makes a weird face and spits out mackerel*

“*Haru gasps dramatically* She doesn’t like mackerel.”

Baths with his kid. 🐬

JUST IMAGINE THAT I DONT EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN IT

How precious 🥺

You sitting on the edge of the bathtub, silently watching Haru as he holds his baby in the bath with a small smile, eyes then slowly drifting up to lock in with yours, his smile a bit wider and everything he feels for you and his child, all shining in his eyes ❤️

There cannot be a more perfect, little, peaceful family <3

Makoto

An amazing father!

We’ve seen him with his little siblings Ren and Ran!

That doesn’t mean he won’t panick from time to time because it’s different when it’s your own child

He’s the type to do the whole baby talk and little cooes with his baby but turns bashful when he catches you quietly standing in the doorway watching 🤣

His cooking skills have improved a bit...

You already work so hard everyday for the baby and the house, he wants to lessen your burdens and give you a little break <3🥺

Family cuddles! With you and Makoto on either side and your child/children in the middle! How precious🥺

I see Makoto’s children being a lot more brave and daring than he is like watching “scary” (like Cartoon Network scary XD) movies and wanting going on adventures in places supposedly paranormal

“Dad stop being such a scaredy cat! I wanna go watch this movie already!”

“Ahh (y/n)!! Help me! 😰”

His kids are mischievous bro always do those puppy dog eyes to get him into their schemes

“AH NO (Y/N)! IT WAS THEIR IDEA I PROMISE!”

He also spoils his kids XD

Don’t think that means he doesn’t know when the boundaries are crossed and when he needs to get a bit strict

He may spoil his kids but spoiled kids are a big no no (there’s a difference)

The kids actually grow up to be sweet and respectful

Aww imagine Makoto teaching his own kids how to swim and sending them to an sc🥺

He’s just such a loving father and SO supportive!

His children love that they can come to him with any of their problems and know that he’s going to listen intently and understand, while also offering any advice he might think suitable <3

As if you alone didn’t make his heart well enough with so much love, his heart practically bursts with his children❤️

Ready to sacrifice everything he has for the happiness and well being of his family ❤️

Nagisa

Excitement is an UNDERSTATEMENT

As if this baby himself wasn’t cute enough, just IMAGINE HIS CHILDREN

omg omg omg cuteness overload

He’s jumping up and down when his baby is about to come, however he calms down when he actually gets a chance to hold them and he’s just in a soft, serene state, looking on at his little one with a small smile~

All his little toddler has to do is slightly tug on his shirt, and Nagisa is in a full gushing frenzy

He cries over how adorable they are

Nagisa baby YOU are adorable

He’s such a funny dad always makes his kids laugh!

Like when his child is a baby, he would come over making silly faces that half of the time either made baby laugh or baby cry 😣

Tickle Monster 😏

Finger puppets! I totally see him doing this as a father!

Nagisa won’t tease his kids a whole lot tho, knowing how frustrating it can get having experienced for a good amount of his life by his older sisters

He wants his kids to have fun ALL the time just like him 😁

He shows them his secret sweet stash when he believes it is time

So you’re going to have to be the one implementing the rules and regulations

“Come on, it’s time for bed let’s go, it’s past 11”

“Aww come on (y/n)-chan look at how happy they are! Just give us five more minutes🥺”

The challenging part for you is that you end up having to give in a lot more because now there’s more than 1 who’ve mastered the puppy dog eyes around the house

Another supportive dad! (They all are) he wants to be there for his kids’ firsts! And for all their games and competitions etc.

This is going to be such a fun little family with LOTS of love, support, chocolate, and fun! ❤️

Rei

No theory, no book, no calculations prepared him for the moment his child was placed in his arms

He’s immediately brought to tears and whispers a small “beautiful” 🥺

The type to document EVERY moment of his child

You end up having like 10 albums and tapes of just your kid(s)

ALL of your little ones firsts have all been recorded and documented to reminisce on later in the future🥺

Always nudging you and showing you the cute little things your baby is doing off in the corner🥺

He can be strict

Unlike Nagisa, oh no he is not spoiling his kid’s diet

Their kid is eating their entire rainbow with lots of fruits and vegetables, along with the right amount of protein and milk

However there are times where he chills out and actually bakes cookies and sweets for his children 🥺

And they are *chefs kiss*

However when Uncle Nagisa comes over...those kids know what’s up 😝😋

Wants to show them the beauty of swimming, specifically the butterfly stroke

You don’t have to worry about your kids getting low grades, because Rei will personally take care of that😌

He just wants his children work hard so they can become the best at whatever they choose to do in the future <3

Haha you wanna know what I’m imagining?

Him having a daughter that is an EXACT copy of him

And it will completely leave him speechless at moments XD

“Ahem...Daddy, the way that you pitch the ball is off by approximately 15 degrees according to the direction and pressure of the wind...not beautiful” *pushes glasses up*

Rei is just like 😨😱

Anyways you can forget about having excessive burden on your shoulders from parenting because this man is going to give it his all for you and his children❤️

Rin

The second his baby was delivered, he was already a crying mess, however when they are actually placed in his arms, it’s like all the tears have suddenly stopped, and it’s just a moment for Rin.

However he starts crying again immediately after

He loves his child so much! ❤️

They are a physical embodiment of his love with you! <3

He now understands the sacrifices his own father made for the sake of his family and now Rin is willing to to the same for his own

All his tsundereish tendencies vanish and he just becomes one big softy 😤

Don’t think that means that Rin doesn’t know how to be strict tho

Oh he is a strict dad but he only does is it for his child’s own good

He will shower them in just as much affection after the scolding <3

Like even after he gets a bit harsh on his child and sees their eyes, Rin immediately stops and goes into your shared room and starts sniffling

“H-hey (y-y/n)...w-was I too harsh on them?”

Yes he’s the type of dad to get onto you for brushing your teeth

He’s also that dad helping his kids with math

He has let his emotions show a lot more now.

Like when his baby started taking his first steps...Rin cried, camera in his hand shaking

When his child picked a flower and brought it to him...shark baby cried.

Or when one of his children brought home their essay about Rin being their biggest hero...Rin cried.

A very supportive family!

With you guys going to support him swimming at the world stage, and Rin going to all his children’s events and being their #1 fan <3

I can see Rin owning a “The World’s Best Dad” or “#1 Dad” mug and proudly drinking from it XD <33

He also gets very competitive with his kids! He gets very into the sports and games he plays with them

Teaching them tricks and tips along the way

And swimming? He’s got it in the bag, your child will get the hang of it under a week.

Some days Rin likes to lie with you on the bed, wrapping an arm around you to hold you close and pressing a a soft kiss to your temple, thanking you for being the love of his life and making him the world’s happiest man alive 🥺❤️

A/n: The boys would be such good fathers!They can all have my babies I love the parenting concept! I’m probably going to make separate hcs for them in the future 🥺

[holmesianpose]

OFD NEWS + LIFE UPDATE!

OMG HI TUMBLR!

I am here with some exciting news. Obviously it has been *quite a year* on a global scale (understatement of the century), but it has also been a very busy and intense year in my life personally. I was supposed to finish my PhD back in May/June of this year but that whole timeline got pushed back because of the pandemic. I was also supposed to return to the US from Sweden around that time, but I ended up delaying my return to the US until after I finished my dissertation (which turned out to be such a good decision). After many complications and setbacks, I finally managed to finish and successfully defend my dissertation in October and complete my PhD, so I am now officially A DOCTOR OF LITERATURE! :D :D :D This would feel like a massive accomplishment in and of itself but finishing my PhD this year especially well... let’s just say it was not easy!

As you OFD Readers are well aware, all of this dissertation-writing and degree finishing left me almost no time to work on OFD. I posted a chapter back in April of this year and after that, for the first time since I started writing the story back in 2014, I had to set it aside *completely* in order to get my dissertation done. This is the longest I have gone without working on OFD EVER. EIGHT MONTHS--that’s how long it’s been.

I also started a new job in the fall, which is fantastic, but I’m teaching a subject I’ve never taught before so it has been a lot of work getting the course in order and teaching four days a week. And then the Swedish government finally told me I had to go back to the US in the middle of November, so that was a whole ordeal. 

And to top it all of, my computer, which I’ve now had since 2014 began to slowly die this year. The battery has long been dead, but then sometime in the summer when I was in the midst of the most intense dissertation writing, the keyboard developed a mind of its own and started refusing to respond and then typing by itself at random (specifically the “t” key, then the “e” key...). This made for a very exciting time (lol), but it got me through the dissertation defense and all the way back the US, at which point I decided enough is enough, and finally had the time to order myself a new one (which I now have, yay!!!)

The good news is... now that I have finally moved back into my house, and FINALLY finished teaching and grading for the term, and FINALLY got a new computer I can actually type on, I CAN FINALLY WORK ON OFD AGAIN!!!!!

*cue rainbow confetti and parade sounds*

I’m annoyed by one last hurdle in life which is that the internet at my house in the US is HORRIBLE (it’s so bad I can never go on tumblr because it just won’t load) so I need to upgrade to a different provider, (this is why I have not been on tumblr at all lately) but happily bad internet in no way affects my writing so I am here to tell you THAT I AM IN THE FINISHING STAGES OF EDITING THE NEWEST CHAPTER.

My plan was originally to try and finish it before Christmas Eve so I could post the new chapter as a Christmas gift to you all, in this shitty, shitty year, but I was not able to get it done in time. HOWEVER! I am hoping to get it up in the next couple days, so I hope it may still act as a belated Christmas gift of sorts.

Anyway, that is all my news! Watch this space for news of the new chapter and also for a bunch of exciting links that are related to the new chapter....... :)

[whentherewerebicycles]

hi! i wanted to say i love reading your reflections on teaching, and in general i really look up to/am inspired by your thoughts regarding education and academia. if it's not too much to ask (completely understandable if it is, in that case please disregard!) i would love to get your advice on college related things?

i had pretty significant academic struggles throughout grade school, and ended up dropping out of college after a year. i would've graduated this may, so lately i've been considering going back and finishing my bachelor's. but i've been waffling on this decision because of 1) anxiety about having to drop out again, and 2) some confusion about what i actually want to study. i guess i'm wondering, is it worth it to start from scratch? my struggles were mostly about mental health stuff & difficulty keeping up with coursework—i loved being in the classroom, working with professors, learning from other students. i like being challenged intellectually, but if i have issues with followthrough, is there a way to work on that??? i know these are Big Questions, lol--whether they are answerable or not, cheers and thank you and i hope you are doing well these days. <3

hey! happy to give my thoughts, for what they're worth. you know your situation better than i do so the specifics may or may not be relevant, but i can give some advice just based on seeing lots of students pass through four-year programs!

i've worked with a number of students who took time away from college and came back to finish later. i took a year off myself in the middle of college for mental health reasons, though my school allowed you to take a two-semester leave of absence for any reason (so i always had the safety net of knowing i could come back without having to reapply or start over). in my experience, time away is almost always a good thing. sometimes people just really need that break from the stressors of the college environment! but more importantly, i think people benefit from having a few years' experience living and working in the world.

even though it can be intimidating to come back to college as an older student, i think older students or nontraditional students who took time off and came back tend to underestimate how much more confident and assured in themselves they'll be once they're back in the classroom. working out in the world for a while, even if it's not a job that you especially love or feel is relevant to your long-term goals, tends to help you build more trust in your own ability to get stuff done, manage responsibilities, and be an adult person in the world. in your time away, you've probably grown more than you think, and you may find that some of the things you struggled with at 18 just don't feel as daunting anymore. or they might feel daunting, but you also have more experience talking and working with other people, and you may feel more confident in seeking out & using your college's various academic success resources.

have you considered a two-year college as a possible next step? one of my advisees this year was an adult student who went to college for a year, dropped out, served in the military for four years, came back to do an associate's degree, and decided he liked school enough that he wanted to transfer to our university and finish his degree. (now he's going on to do a phd next fall!!!!) he's one of the most passionate advocates for community colleges i've ever met, and he's stayed actively involved in our local CC community & now mentors recent transfer students at our university. he's talked at length about how CCs are this amazing way for students to explore their interests without having to take on the huge price tag of a four-year degree, within a learning community that's much warmer, more responsive to student needs, and more accepting of the diverse paths that lead people to & through higher education. i wonder if you might consider taking a semester or a year of courses at your local CC, to dip your toes back in and see if you're still feeling energized by the experience.

you might find that some of the courses aren't intellectually challenging enough, but this might also be a wonderful opportunity to create the kind of learning experience you want to have. i was a full-time community college student for a year during my year away from yale, and while i'm sure i was just INSUFFERABLE in many ways, i had a prof in my Western Civ course who was really generous with his time/energy and met with me outside of class to help me figure out how to make the papers into something that i found really exciting and challenging to write. so the class kind of became what i made of it, and i got to read some stuff (dostoevsky!!!) that sent me down all kinds of interesting unexpected rabbitholes. the former CC grad i mentioned above was an extraordinarily bright student who would always go to office hours and ask his profs for more recommended readings, and he ended up becoming a TA for one of his courses and helped them redesign basically their entire intro humanities curriculum as a student advisor. so your CC experience can absolutely be what you make of it. and even if your profs can't give you that kind of support, you could practice doing it for yourself, setting little challenges for yourself either focused on the intellectual aspects ('I'm going to read and cite two scholarly sources in this paper, even though it's not required') or on developing strategies for effectively managing the workload ('I'm going to schedule a writing center appointment on Thurs, so I have to finish this paper two days before the deadline—and then I can devote my weekend study time to practicing for my Spanish test').

CC would be a slightly lower stakes environment for you to try out college again— lower-stakes both in the sense that it's cheaper (so if you decide you don't want to continue, you're not out as much money / don't feel compelled to go on to justify the debt you've taken on) and in the sense that the workload might be more manageable for you as you readjust to academic life and build systems & structures that work for you. as you probably have gathered from this blog, i am a HUGE believer in doing lower-stakes things many times over to build your own confidence and your trust in yourself, and then gradually scaling up the difficulty. by the time you reach the hard thing, you've already built up this strong image of yourself as a person who can handle challenges (and you've also had the chance to identify areas where you struggle & experiment with developing workable solutions).

if a two-year college isn't something you're especially interested in, i think it's definitely possible to start a four-year degree again. if that's the path you choose, i would strongly recommend reaching out to students in some of the degree programs you're tentatively interested in. people are almost always happy to share their ~wisdom~ (see: this ask response, lol) and most people love being asked for their thoughts on the pros and cons of something they know well. so you could get an honest sense from students of what the program is like, what the workload is like, and how useful or engaging people find the required courses for the degree. but also know that it's pretty normal to take courses all over in your first year or two (you have the advantage of having done a freshman year before, so you probably know this!), so you might just want to plan to try out a bunch of different things, with the goal of narrowing your focus by the end of your first year, or midway through your second.

i would also HIGHLY recommend spending lots of time familiarizing yourself with the resources your university has to offer. learn everything you can about the kind of mental health counseling and support they offer to students, and see if there are things you can set up in advance for yourself before you even step foot on campus. for instance, our university offers individual counseling, but they also have free groups that meet every week or two around different topics (coping with stress, students in recovery, etc) that are led by a counselor. check out your university's writing center or peer tutoring centers, too, and set up a standing appointment once a month or once a week or whatever, to bring in something you're working on—so that you know that every week, you're going to talk with someone about what's going well and what you're struggling with in your assignments.

you might also want to look into your university's services for students with disabilities office, as they can help you figure out if you are eligible for various kinds of accommodations or additional support (extra time on exams, notetaking services, recorded lectures, etc). i know you mentioned that you've dealt with academic struggles in grade school, too. if you think it's possible that there may be underlying learning differences that are affecting your academic work, it might be worth seeing if they can help you find lower-cost testing, so you can get a diagnosis that qualifies you for additional accommodations and university support.

many schools, esp large public universities, also have resource centers and mentoring programs for students from specific demographics who may benefit from additional structure and support in their early years of college. my university has a variety of resource centers and programs for students from low-income backgrounds, first-gen students, students who transferred from community college, etc. you don't have to take advantage of ALL of these resources, but proactively establishing a support network long before you need it is a really good way to set yourself up for success. and even just doing the research will probably help you feel more confident in your capacity to 'follow through', since you'll know that you're going into this with your eyes wide open AND with a detailed plan for what to do if you run into some of the same obstacles you encountered the first time around.

speaking of detailed plans: i find it helpful sometimes to do IF-THEN exercises with students when they're stressed about something on the horizon or unsure about whether they can handle some new challenge. IF-THEN is just what it sounds like: 'IF this thing I'm nervous about happens, THEN I'm going to do X, Y, or Z.' what i like about this exercise (i use it with myself too aha) is that it acknowledges that sometimes the thing you're dreading DOES happen. sometimes the professor you emailed for an extension says no. sometimes the TA doesn't understand why you're confused about the assignment. sometimes you don't have time to finish the reading before class. sometimes you overschedule yourself and you have to pull an all-nighter to finish two papers on the same night. scary things, confidence-shaking things, happen all the time, but they are rarely fatal! and there can be something really powerful about acknowledging and naming the thing you're concerned about, and then generating a few next steps you could take, should the thing you're dreading come to pass. i could see you doing something like this as you start thinking about the things that tripped you up last time, or made it difficult for you to balance the workload. if X happens, then what could you try next? giving yourself a few options means that you already have backup plans, too, which can make the whole situation less terrifying. if this happens, i might have to try this, or this, or this, and those things might not be the most fun or the easiest to do or the 'best' thing academically, but they'll get me through this difficult moment mostly in one piece, and once i'm through it i can look back on it and learn from it, or adjust the structures i've built for myself moving forward, to reduce the chance that X happens again.

PHEW!!! sorry this got so long but that is just the RISK YOU TAKE when sending me anons 😅 i hope that some of this is helpful to you, or at least sparks some useful thinking for you, even if it's not all directly applicable to your situation. i would say that if you love learning and find being in the classroom exhilarating, then you should absolutely go back to college! but that doesn't mean you have to go back right away, or that you have to go back and do it exactly the same way you did the first time. there are lots of possible paths to higher ed, and there's no particular rush—college will always be there, if it's something you decide you want now or at some future point in your life. i would also just reiterate again one of the core Themes of This Blog, which is that the brain is NEUROPLASTIC, and that humans have a truly astounding amazing capacity to change, grow, and learn new things (including new ways of getting around old obstacles or working through old challenges). just because you struggled the first time doesn't mean you are doomed to repeat that pattern. if you can spend some time thoughtfully reflecting on what you found most difficult to manage the first time through, you are better equipped to make plans, design new structures for yourself, and build the support networks that will help you thrive in college.

[emersonfreepress]

okay so is there content that you had planned for the ROs and story in general but then scrapped cause there wasn’t a good place in the story to stick it in? and if so, can you share what it was? 👀 👀 👀

yes, definitely. *rubs hands together* oh man, you done asked THE question today xD I can't wait to get into this 😁

Academics. I almost decided to have classes and grades be a minor part of gameplay, but the more time I spent designing it the more I realized I wanted nothing to do with it 😂 I haven’t really enjoyed academic gameplay in other interactive fiction because I 1) hate having to choose between studying and interacting with awesome characters, 2) have terrible short term memory, and 3) hate school in general!! So instead I just opted to have the MC be really good at school, point blank period so I could focus on social drama and relationships instead! 😆

Physical skills. I spent literal months crafting the catering scene around setting up stats for stamina/endurance, dexterity, and strength instead of just magnetism, confidence, and persuasion. They had their own backstories with the MC’s parents being overly invested sports parents instead and I think the background choices were like... martial arts, gymnastics, and track? But yeah, I ended up scrapping it all because I was spending hours on research about those individual sports so I could integrate them into the MC’s narrative organically but like... when I tried to think of what use they would be in the actual story, I came up blank. Best decision yet, esp since it means a lot less coding!

Skin tone customization. For one, I noticed that a lot of my favorite IFs don’t offer that customization and it hasn’t impacted my experience at all. For two, I originally realized I might as well not implement it since I am striving real hard not to introduce any customization that won’t actually be mentioned in interesting or meaningful ways in-story. I don’t think it’s really all that common for real life friends (esp in high school?) to comment or compliment each other’s skin and like... when it comes from someone who doesn’t share a similar complexion or ethnic background, that type of commentary gets... d i c e y. So then I wanted to be sensitive to that but what’s the pay-off? An RO mentioning how they love your skin tone once? Awkward sentences with the MC referring to their own skin color? Idk, just wasn’t vibing with it. I’m open to revisiting it in beta or something but for now it’s scrapped.

Singing, Rapping, and Gaming as Hobbies/Talents. I feel bad about scrapping these, honestly 😂 They’re great and I really wanted to incorporate them but it just came down to already having a lot of stuff to code. Plus, I know I can write the Hobbies/Talents I stuck with far better. And for Book 2 purposes, as well!

Leo. as @sourandflightypeaches ​​ asked me about a long while ago, I had to scrap an entire RO 😢 His name is Leo, he was the nephew of wealthy west African diplomats residing in Emerson, and I love him dearly! His backstory was largely based on my mother’s childhood and the circumstances she lived through after immigrating to America. and... ok, i’m about to go on one hell of a tangent so buckle up and bear with me if you can 😅

my intention with this story, aside from writing things that I personally enjoy (graphic violence, spooky woods, social drama, romance, conspiracies 😚), is to explore greed, wealth, and how the ways people and families interact with those two things influence young people and who they grow up to be. here i go sounding pretentious af 😝 and here’s where I apply a cut for those who want to preserve a little mystery to the main characters!

With Gabe, we’ve got someone who grew up with very little stability or financial security but who has found unscrupulous methods to gain status and money, with both noble and selfish motivations.

Kile has some of that childhood experience in common with Gabe, having been in the foster care system since infancy, but they lucked out when they were adopted into massive wealth by a caring, loving couple—a couple that uses their wealth and privilege to be far more lenient and protective of Kile than is actually reasonable or responsible.

Jack comes from a prestigious wealthy family on his dad’s side who he loves dearly but there’s no getting around the fact that they love him back as much as they despise his working class mom.

Jessie is a spoiled sweet heiress (being the baby of her family and the only girl) and while she lives blissfully ignorant of the harmful source and impact of her father's income and career, she bears the weight of the expectation to fulfill very traditional gender roles, including her behavior and appearance, but also extending to her career and life plans.

Rain's wealth led to them growing up sheltered and isolated but also extremely accommodated, giving them maximum freedom and opportunity to discover and develop their personal talents and interests. However, they have almost no positive relationship with their parents who have essentially decided to give up on a kid that couldn't be exactly the accessory they tried to mold them to be—both in terms of their identity and personality.

Rupan/Rohan, at their very core, rejects everything about conformity, self-importance, and excessive luxury—which means they have never, ever truly fit in with their peers. Going full non-conformist, however, has resulted in them becoming alienated from much of their family, as well, despite them all loving each other very much. Their history with false friends and betrayals has led them to over-indulge in their vices and reckless behavior to compensate for that isolation. Sometimes, they just get in over their head and many times, they know better. Every time, it's just that the feeling of finally belonging is utterly intoxicating.

Vivian/Vincent has two extremely successful parents who didn't inherit but instead built up their wealth and they aspire to be just like them, to a degree that is well and truly unhealthy. Their mother specifically is an over-achiever and applies mountainous pressure for them to follow in her footsteps, especially academically. Vi is completely capable of achieving what their mom expects of them, but they were already an extremely sensitive perfectionist so this has made them intensely critical of themself. This is a large part of why they are such a rigid, no-nonsense person and that in turn has made them one of the most disliked people among their peers—which is a huge personal failure to them since their father is a very well-liked and socially successful person in town.

And the Emersons are peak privilege: inherent high social status, brains, looks, charisma, athleticism, and massive wealth. They could never have been anything less than extremely popular, just by virtue of their last name and the nature of the town's social dynamics and politics. And they do enjoy that privilege (esp Curt lol). However, it should go without saying that being so high profile, even (or maybe especially) just in the isolated scope of your hometown, isn't always a boon. Their family's and their own perceived failings are widely discussed and privately mocked and/or celebrated. Real friends are scarce while fake ones and snakes are plentiful. Plus their dad is a gigantic dickhead who sees his kids as extensions of his own status and reputation and not much else. Public shortcomings make for an unbearable time at home and the world outside the estate is at once overly accommodating, full of assumptions, and even subtly hostile at times—all unrelated to their own actions or character.

And with the MC, I think the narrative will make it clear there are several ways that story can go. You start off with irresponsible parents that have lost their wealth due to their own mismanagement and material ambitions—how that affects any individual MC should differ based on choices and consequences!

So why bring any of that up when I was supposed to be talking about my cut OC? 😂😂

Leo was going to be the unwelcome recent addition to his uncle’s household, the son of a brother his aunt hates for (petty af) Reasons, and she took that resentment out on him directly by restricting his access to nearly every aspect of the family's wealth. Especially material goods and living conditions. He was basically treated like the help, tasked with playing nanny for his many younger cousins and burdened with doing the homework and providing academic cover for his dumb as rocks cousin in the same grade as you all. To sum it up, he was basically a victim of trafficking at the hands of his own family with his uncle out of town enough to feign ignorance to how bad his wife was treating his nephew and his aunt going out of her way to keep him busy, at home, and isolated. This is sadly a super common form of trafficking in Francophone African cultures (although I don't think most people view it as trafficking. and I’m sure the same is true of other cultures but I don’t want to speak outside of my purview). And like I mentioned above, it’s how my own mom's (and idek how many cousins') child/teenhood went.

It’s a perspective on modern wealth, privilege and greed that I really, really wanted to tell. I am confident in saying it hasn't been explored in interactive fiction yet (though correct me—and direct me 👀—if I'm wrong) and out of all the wealth/greed explorations I came up with, it's the one I have the closest personal ties to and the strongest feelings about. The characters and plans I had for it were detailed and I'm proud of them but at the end of the day... I just couldn't find a place for Leo in the story at large.

Leo was, in fact, the last main character I came up with, when I had already designed and fleshed out the larger story and started crafting the timeline of major events. I think the worst thing I could have done for a story and perspective that I care about this much is shove it into a plot that didn't have room for it at the very base level, regardless of how well the character or his story is written. Shoe-horned characters always stick out. I didn’t want to disservice Leo by having him be the character that did nothing or could be removed from the main plot without affecting it at all, y’know? That’s so much worse than just forgoing the indulgence, imo :((

ugh.... Leooooo 😭 I'm so sorry bb, I failed youuu 😥

[surveys-at-your-service]

Surveys #431-432

two biggins’ in one, beware the long post.

Do you own any Funko Pop! figurines? No. How many cats and dogs have you had as pets in your lifetime? I couldn't possibly count the cats. A lot. We've had I wanna say eight dogs through my entire life. Can your mom and/or dad play any instruments, or how about anyone else in your family? No. My older sister played the clarinet in school, though. Have you ever colored in an adult coloring book as a stress reliever? I have, but they don't really affect my stress level. Can you crack crab legs without a tool? UGH EW I hate crab legs. So mushy and just... ew. I don't think I've tried to without a tool. How many light sources are in the room you’re in? Excluding the natural light out my windows, three. What’s your favorite thing to put on bagels? Just your usual cream cheese. Who’s your favorite director? Tim Burton. I love his style. Bats: cute or gross? Bats are SO goddamn cute. What was the last really intense pain you felt? I had a sudden pain in my chest the other day that scared me quite a bit. Would you rather vacation by a beach or a lake? A lake, for sure. How would you feel about traveling abroad alone? I'd be way too lonely. What is your father's middle name? John. Where did your last kiss take place? The airport. Which movie villain do you find the most terrifying? Probably Jason. A masked guy just casually pursuing you with a knife is horrifying to me. If you married your favorite celebrity what would your last name be? Fischbach alskdfla;wer;lkwera;wle Do you stick your tongue out often in pictures? No. Which one of your family members are you closest to? My ma. Would you rather have name brand shoes or name brand clothes? Shoes. It's very important for them to be comfy for me. Are you a good liar? Yes. :x Are you proud of your parents? Yeah. If you could get backstage tickets to ANY concert - which would you pick? If Mom was with me, Metallica. She would actually fucking die if she met them. Like she cried and laughed with joy when she found out about the concert in Raleigh some years ago, and we thought we were going to go, but yeah, money. Which is better: orange or grape soda? Orange cream soda. Grape soda is so gross. Was the last thing you ate hot or cold? It was room temperature. Who was the last person in your house who isn’t family? Our landlord/family friend. I think. What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Black. Can you remember the last song you listened to? I'm listening to "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White right now. Have you ever been dumped really harshly? Ha, that is a colossal understatement... Can you do a back flip, or anything else of that sort? Definitely not. I couldn't even do stuff like that as a kid. Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? No. What happened to cause you to feel that way about them? ^ Are you more of a phone or a computer person? Computer, for sure. Do you have a job, and if so, where do you work? No. If not, do you want one? Not right now. I want to focus on the gym and getting in shape. Do any medical afflictions run in your family? A whole lot. What’s your favorite Mexican dish? Shrimp quesadillas. Or rice with cheese sauce. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? Yeah, hockey and baseball. Do you prefer pads, tampons or something else? I'm actually conflicted on this right now. I use tampons, but there are reasons I don't really like them and am considering something else. Have you ever ordered a specially made cake from a cake shop? Not me myself, but Mom has. What months were you and your siblings born in? My two immediate sisters were born in April and June. What did you have for dinner last night? Uhhhhh... I want to say I had a chicken pesto bowl? Have you ever had sex in/on a vehicle? No, that sounds so uncomfortable. Do you do anything to groom your eyebrows? No. I don't care about that anymore. Has your town ever flooded? Oh, for sure. Hurricane Floyd from when I was... I wanna say two or three WRECKED my area. Have you ever played at the McDonald’s play place? Yeah. That was a blast as a kiddo. Have you ever taken a picture of snow? Yeah. Do you cry easily? Very. Are you happy with where you live? No. The suburbs suck. I miss living in the country so much. Do people ever mistake you for being a different race? No. Do you hate the last person you kissed? No, she's my best friend in the whole world. What genre is your favorite movie? I actually don't know what it's considered? It's a kids movie, though. Who was the last person you were in a car with? My mom. Do you like the picture on your license/I.D. card? My permit picture is fucking hideous. When was the last time somebody hit on you? *shrug* Was the last person you met a male or female? A guy - my personal trainer. What brand is your underwear? I'm in my pjs, and only a madman would wear underwear to bed. What’s your favorite Thanksgiving food? Just the rolls, really, lol. I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving foods at all. Do you have a TV in your room? No, because I don't watch TV. Are any of your electronics charging right now? My laptop always is, though I know you shouldn't do that. I need to charge my phone, too. What was the last video game you played? Video game, not computer, I want to say uh... The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon? What’s the biggest promise someone’s ever made to you? Did they keep it? To never leave me. He didn't. Google, Bing, or Yahoo? Google. What was the last song you had on repeat? The song I mentioned earlier. Who is your favorite person to watch on YouTube? Markiplier. :') How many college degrees do you want? It'd be nice to have a Bachelor's in SOMETHING, but I'm not returning to school. Three tries was enough money down the drain. Can you wink? Yeah. Do you own any jerseys? No. Have you ever tried to snort Pixie Stix as a child, or even an adult? Uh, no. Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? No. The last time Jason and I hung out in any capacity was his brother's wife's baby shower, and it's a bad memory. As well, it just reminds me of what I once wanted with him. I'll go to them and be okay, but definitely not thrilled. Has there ever been a time in your life, you felt sexually undecided? Yes, especially in the I want to say 8th grade. I had an inescapable crisis that literally lasted a whole week (or maybe more) forcing myself to believe I was straight, despite already showing but denying bisexual attractions. I was religious back then, so believed if I wasn't straight, I'd go to Hell. Then I came out as bisexual in uhhhh... 2018 I wanna say, and that was a long examination of my feelings. It felt like a massive weight off my shoulders when I accepted it. I felt legit happy. Do you think tattoos and piercings are sexy on the opposite sex? ugggghhhhh yes Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? No. What color are the headphones you have at this moment in time? My earbuds are pink and white. Ever choked severely on something during lunch at your school? No. Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? Fruits, for sure. My fave is strawberries. What would you say is the color of your favorite bra? I have a pink and black lacy one that is super cute, but it's too small for me right now. It just stays in my drawer. Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? No. What do you usually buy when you go to the dollar store? If I'm stopping there for a snack (which is usually the only time we stop by one), I tend to get a honeybun. Ever peed in the pool? Be honest! No, that is so gross. When you’re older, what kind of house do you want to live in? I want a medium-sized house that's semi-isolated in the woods. I'd love a nice path to walk down and take photos, a catio for Roman or whatever cat I may have in the future... stuff like that. I need lots of nature. Where do you want to get married? In some sort of gothic building, though I'm sure that would be a WILDLY expensive venue, so I doubt that'll happen. Realistically, either in the woods or even a massive flower garden. Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? Yes. What is your favorite childhood TV show? Pokemon. Honestly, do you like school? No, I didn't. Last thing that made you cry? PTSD. Honestly, are you keeping a big secret right now? No big secrets, no. Last person you took a walk with? Sara, years ago. Have you ever liked someone who didn’t like you back? Oh, have I... Who was the last person to actually pick you up in the air? Probably Jason, honestly. Does any part of your body hurt? My non-existent abs are killing me from exercising yesterday. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a regret what would you do? While it's tempting, hand me the cash. Can you keep a secret? Absolutely. You tell me a secret, you can guarantee I'll be keeping it between you and me. Your favorite romantic movie? The Notebook. How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? I honestly like it. I love the aesthetic of it, and I know people say "well you should celebrate love every day," and while that's right, what's so wrong about nationally designating a specific day to appreciate it? I think it's a very cute holiday. Who was the last person you took a picture with? My sister Katie. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? I haven't worn jeans in yeeeeaaaarrrrssss. When I did though, I loved jeans like that, especially for skinny jeans. Do you celebrate 420?No. Have you ever kicked a vending machine? No. How do you eat Oreos? I prefer to just dip them in milk. If that's unavailable, I separate the two parts, eat the cream, and then the two cookies. Do you wear your shoes in the house? No. Would you survive in prison? Absofuckinglutely not. It's dark, but just to be entirely honest, I'd probably find a way to kill myself. Ever been to Georgia? I've been through it. Do you get your hair cut every month? Not every month, no. It needs a trim right now badly, though.

Current relationship in detail. I'm single and should be. If you were kicked out of your house, who would you call/go to? My dad. List things you spend money on in an average week. Nothing. Rate each of your sexual partners (if any) from 1-10. He was honestly a 10 lmao like I don't have a lot of experience at all, but yeah. Post the last FB group/page that you joined. I actually don't remember because I've been on break from Facebook for around a month. Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship? No... Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? I'm sure he has. He dated someone right after me for like... eight months or something? Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? I think that's very obvious by now. What board games are you good at? Idk, I don't really enjoy board games. Is there a sport/hobby you keep thinking about taking up, but that you’ve never quite gotten around to starting? Definitely no sports, but I've been wanting to get back into video editing. I just... haven't, even though I have the software. Do you think pranks like egging/toilet-papering someone's house are funny or immature? They're incredibly immature. I see zero humor in them. Do you think “sleeve tattoos” are a good idea? They're hot as fuck, man. Is there anything in particular that your parents argue about? What? I'll just say they're divorced for good reasons. Do you ever actually read the “Terms and Services” when you sign up for websites and such? No. If you have a handheld games console (a DS or GameBoy, for example), how often do you use it? Almost never. Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for, what do you say? Realistically, I wouldn't answer because I don't answer numbers I don't recognize. Hypothetically, if I knew it was him, I'd probably say something along the lines of, "Hey J, are you okay?", because something must be seriously wrong if he wants to talk to me of all people. If your best friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you? Mom absolutely would. Are you afraid of falling in love? I'm terrified of it. Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now? I wish I didn't. Have you ever kissed someone & wished you didn’t? Yes: Tyler. Did you get kissed last night? Haven't been kissed in years. Do you enjoy going through a carwash? Bring out the rainbow soap and it's hype lmao. How did you get most of your scars? My cat, ha ha. He sometimes plays way too rough, and I just scar very easily. Ever had to take an inkblot test? Yes, when I went to a psychologist. Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? Maybe? Have you ever seriously slapped someone in anger? My sister as a kid on her arm. Safe to say I got in trouble for it. What/who woke you up this morning? Just my body. Who was the last person to be in your bedroom besides you? Mom. What’s one of your locked text messages? da;lsd;fakwer I have one locked from Sara that says something like, "You are so beautiful." I cried. Have you ever finished a game of Monopoly? I think? Jason and I used to play the digital one you could download on the PS3. Is there anyone you know who’s in any way paralyzed? No. I mean, I know of a girl who went to my school who was paralyzed from the waist down in an accident, but I didn't/don't know her personally. She was a MASSIVE deal in my education community. Like you would see "prayers for (name)" on school and church signs. The truth all comes out when someone is drunk, true? Usually true. I sometimes think back on the one time Jason was drunk, and he just told me in the most adoring voice, "I love you, Brittany." It's painful as fuck to remember. I really do wonder if he meant it, given this was in the later half of our relationship. When was the last time you felt disappointed in yourself? Constantly. How about feeling disappointed in someone else? I dunno. For you, do you commonly feel more jealousy or envy? I definitely experience envy more often. Do you rely on the heads/tails flipping of a coin sometimes for decisions? No. Do you have any specific chores you do around the house? I'm supposed to empty the dishwasher in particular. For you, does comfort or fashion come first in dressing? Comfort, 100%. Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? No. Do you like Laffy Taffy? I do. That sounds pretty good right about now. Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? Electric. Are your biceps at all noticeable? Yeah, no. Have you ever seen a walrus? Yeah, at SeaWorld as a kid. Did you ever have one of those Easy Bake ovens as a kid? Yeah. My little sister in particular was obsessed. Does your bathroom have a theme to it? No. From inside of your house, how many doors lead outside? Two. Are there a lot of trees in your yard? No. :/ I miss that. Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap? No. Have a best friend? Yeah. :') Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you? That is so childish. Everyone needs space sometimes. But to answer the question, considering she lives many states away from me, obviously not. Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents? Yes. Does anyone hate you? I wouldn't at all be surprised if Jason does. Colleen might, but I really don't give a shit if she does. What’s the one thing you regret more than anything? The way I spoke to Jason after the breakup. If only I could take those letters back. Do you remember important dates? I am VERY bad at dates, doesn't matter how important they are. What’s some lyrics from a song that means a lot to you? "For such a little thing, you sure are in your own way" from a Mother Mother song. Who gives the best advice? Sara. Who do you usually see in your dreams? :) Jason is nearly a permanent fixture. Jeez, I'm bringing him up a lot in this one. I'm surprised my PTSD isn't dragging me into a pit for it. What type of cake did you last eat? Uhhh I wanna say double chocolate? Mom got two slices from the store for me and herself a long time ago. How many of your friends are gay or bisexual? A large number. I don't feel like counting. What’s your favorite type of sandwich? Just your usual peanut butter and jelly. When was the last time someone asked you out? Did you accept or decline? Years ago by Girt. I accepted. Do you like The Offspring? Sure, I like a handful of their songs. One pillow or two? I sleep with two. Do you like Mad Libs? Sure, they can be funny. Are you suicidal? Well damn, just throw that in there. Anyway, no. I'll admit I've had very brief, passive thoughts very rarely as of the late, just wondering if there really is a point to me being here, but I'm not actively suicidal at all rn. Where do your grandparents live? They're dead. When alive though, they lived in Florida and Michigan. Do you cut yourself? And this one? No, I haven't in many years. What is your pet’s name? Roman and Venus. Have you ever been to Canada? No, but I'd love to visit. Aren’t babies overrated? "Overrated" is definitely the wrong word... I don't particularly find a lot of babies cute and I don't want my own, but they're not overrated. Have a built-in pool in your backyard? Never have. Ever won yourself a stuffed animal? Yeah. Ever had someone else win you a stuffed animal? Yes. Ever been to a circus? No. I wouldn't set foot into one. Ever shot animals? I never, ever could. Do you consider yourself intelligent? I USED to. I think I'm dumb as shit now. School knowledge did not latch onto me well, I guess. Have you ever run away from home? Yes. It was so overdramatic. I came back hours later because I had my phone and Mom texted me threatening to call the cops. Do you put family first, friends, relationships, school, or something else? I will never put my mental health behind anything/one again. What’s something you’ve stood up for in the past? When Colleen and I were friends in middle school, we both spoke before the class in absolute disgust at how our classmates were treating our poor substitute teacher. Colleen had AT them, while I was more tame about it but still wanted to bash into their heads that they were all being absolute trash to the poor man. What’s something you worked extremely hard to get? My mental wellbeing. Granted, I'm not exactly "well" now, but once upon a time I was living in the deepest ocean trench as far as depression goes. Are you satisfied with your body image? Hell no. I really, really, really hope loyally going to the gym will help me with that. Have you ever been labeled negatively or otherwise been called something extremely derogatory? Not that I know of. Have you ever seriously taken advantage of someone or been taken advantage of? No. Have you ever been seriously ill? Mentally, immensely. Physically, not really. I've had some nasty stomach bugs, but nothing truly severe. Have you ever befriended a former enemy? Ha, it's funny, I used to hate Jason's first ex/heartbreak for how badly she hurt him. Like she could've been falling off the face of the earth with only me to save her, and I'd let her keep falling. I hated her. Yet now we're Facebook friends and comment on each other's stuff like it's nothing, ha ha. She reached out to me a few years ago to apologize for high school stuff (she also hated me for Juan - her ex or something along those lines - being interested in me instead of her), we chatted a bit, and now I think she's great. If you’re not religious, would you ever pray as a last resort? If you are religious, do you often pray for other people? I don't pray anymore. That's all I'll say to keep this from becoming potentially very offensive. Have you ever dated someone, then after you dated they came out of the closet or switched (for lack of a better word) sexual orientation? I'm pretty sure my middle school boyfriend Aaron is gay, but I'm not certain. He vanished from Facebook a long time ago. Has a boy/girl ever walked a ridiculous distance just to see you? How about vice versa? I tried doing that the night of the breakup. By car, I know it was a seven-minute drive, but walking there, never mind at night, was ludicrous. I only didn't manage because after a few minutes, Mom came after me and kept cutting me off with the car. When was the last time you felt really uncomfortable? Right now. My abs REALLY hurt, and I'm also cramping like a motherfucker after not having a period for 3+ months because of TMS therapy. I'm still pissed about how it had a physical effect on me, but didn't mentally do what it was meant to. Is there anything that your mom is really known for as to how she is as a person? She is very, very loving and lives to help others. Who have you been talking to the most today? Nobody, really. I've spoken with Mom obviously, but for the most part, today's been quiet. Are you nosy? I can be pretty damn nosy, yes. What’s the meanest thing you have done to a friend? Consistently flirted with her boyfriend behind her back. I was 12, okay? If your ex called you crying, what would it most likely be about? THE ex, I have no idea. I don't know what's going on in his life, besides his mother dying quite a few months ago, but I don't see why he'd contact me about that. Who was the best kisser out of all the people you have kissed? Jason. Have you ever been told that you have an annoying laugh? No, but I think I do.

[thewritingstar]

Miss Americana and The Heartbreak Prince (Chapter 1)

Pairing: Blossutch (Blossom x Butch)

Fandom: Powerpuff Girls

Rating: M (drug use, mature themes, it’s butch do I even need to explain??)

Summary: An Ivy League school and a plan in place, Blossom has everything in order. But when a person from her past suddenly shows up, she wonders if her plans could be slightly rearranged.

I hope you all enjoy this new Wip that I am determined to finish!!! Enjoy!!! Also I’m on mobile so I’ll put the keep reading thing once I get on a computer sorry for the long post lol

———

“Bubbles, please stop crying.” Blossom patted her sobbing sisters back. She let out a laugh as Bubbles finally pulled away and squished her cheeks. 

“But I'm going to miss you!” The tears were coming again and Blossom pulled her into one last hug. 

Buttercup only huffed as she placed the last box on the ground. “Bubbles she is going to a college only three hours away from ours. We can fly in less than twenty minutes to see her.” 

It was true. Blossom had gotten into every single college she applied to, no surprise there and only the ivy league schools would be suffice for her. On the other hand Bubbles and Buttercup were attending the same college on the opposite side of the city, Buttercup on a full ride for sports and Bubbles in one of the top art and fashion programs around. Their sister almost went to that school but after a smack to the face and yelling about going to the best school, Buttercup made sure her sister only got the best, afterall who was going to brag at Thanksgiving dinner? 

“I know. I know but it just feels weird.” She shrugged before opening up a compact mirror and fixing her makeup. it closed with a pop. “I mean we all haven’t really been apart like ever.”

The thought did startle Blossom but that’s degree plaster on her wall protected by glass was the goal and if she had to be away from her sisters for a little bit, then so be it.

“She’s going to be fine Bubs.” And after a few more minutes of a goodbyes, Blossom was left alone in her apartment. 

Her sisters got roomed together but Blossom knew she was a fragile person to live with. It was better to live by herself than try and work out a routine with a random stranger, plus the dorms were right next to all the frat houses and Blossom cringed every time she went near them. 

How could such a presteigne school allow such juvenile behavior? She would never know. 

It only took an hour for everything to be in place thanks to her super speed and pre-planning of the layout. It was a simple apartment. One bedroom with a small kitchenette and a living room, nothing fancy but had a few places to study and get work done, perfect.

Not to mention her bulletin board that already had her schedule up with prime study times and library hours, this was gonna be fun.

By the time she was done and took a shower, her stomach grumbled and she knew she should eat. It was no secret that Blossom wasn’t the best in the kitchn. Okay it was known that she was the worst but she knew how to boil water and use the microwave, but eating at all the small local cafes seemed much more appealing. 

With her purse in hand she made her way out. 

“Um excuse me?” A voice came just as she was locking her door. “You must be Blossom”

Blossom wanted to turn back around and go into her room. Yes she might have been one of the most famous people on the face of the earth but the girl was one for her alone time. She put on a smile and was ready to meet the fan, she loved meeting fans she was just hungry.

She looked up at the girl with bright blue eyes and long brown hair. A gasp leaving her lips and she squealed. “Robin!”

Her childhood friend who sadly moved a city over during middle school was now staring back at her. “Hey Blossy.” She giggled as she was pulled into a hug. “I would say I am surprised to see you but I’m not.”

Blossom could hardly contain her excitement as Robin wrapped an arm around her own, a little trait that she did with everyone, and they walked down the hall. “Dinner time?”

“Absolutely, we have so much to catch up on.” Blossom smiled back. 

--

“I can’t believe you actually had to fight a monster on prom.” Robin laughed as she bit into her sandwich and Blossom rolled her eyes playfully. 

“Really? I'm not.” 

In that moment Blossom was thankful that Robin was there. Out of all their friends in school, she had always been the most genuine. Never once did the girls status affect their relationship and she never worried about any information about them getting leaked, unlike some of their classmates. 

To be honest she was afraid to be on her own. Her sisters were still together and she had no one. She was a peoples person but not in the way Bubbles was. It was hard for her to deeply connect to people unless it was intellguiet. 

“Soooo.” Robin started. “Did the boys go to high school with you?” She asked eagerly. 

It took a moment for Blossom to process it. The boys? And then it hit her. Robin had been a fangirl, like most, when the boys had joined the school system at the age of 16. Of course she was gone before that had happened and only knew them as the counterparts who tried to kill the girls every once in a while but it didn’t stop her from eyeing them. 

“They went to the rival high school.” Blossom said unenthusiastically as she patted her mouth with a napkin. “We all got along fine, just slight teasing.”

“Did you date any of them? I always thought you and the red one, Brick was it? Would end up a thing.” 

“Why would you think that?”

“Bubbles and Boomer did. I followed her on social media and saw all the cute couple posts about them but someone.” She looked at Blossom. “Didn’t have social media.” 

Blossom could see how everyone thought Brick and her would end up together. But to everyone dismay, they were only friends, maybe. And well, he was more occupied in the boy population than the girls. Of course she was one of the few to know that and they spent just as much time arguing about Shakespeare as they did bonding over the hottest member of boy bands. 

“I have a private instagram that you can have. Brick and I are just friends, well he’s more like my best friend” 

“That's too bad, I always thought you would end up with a ruff.” Robin laughed as she took Blossom's phone and plugged in her new number and every single social media she could find. 

She got her phone back after a minute and dropped some bills on the table. “Sorry to disappoint but he doesn’t swing that way.” 

“Oh really?” This surprised Robin. 

She laughed a little. “Actually we tried to date.” Robin almost spit out her drink. “He took me on a date and when he kissed me it felt wrong, no spark, nothing. It was werid since we are counterparts but afterwards he told me that he was gay and was just making sure.” 

“That's sweet.”

“So now we just braid each other's hair and judge people while complaining that we are single.” 

“What about the green one?” Robin eyed her. “I don’t think Buttercup was into him right? But you could be. Imagine it, the bad boy and the good girl.” Robin was practically blushing.

“Absolutely not.” Blossom almost laughed. “I don’t even think he would go to college and plus, we don’t have anything in common.”

The brunette shrugged and picked up her jacket. “Don’t worry Bloss, this is college. We will find you a hot piece of ass to match with your fine ass.” 

A loud laugh left her lips. “Thank you Robin. Now I heard there is a bakery near here that is to die for.” 

“Oh you and your sweets.” 

----

By the time her alarm went off, Blossom had already been on a morning run, ornginzed her books and ate at the small bakery that had the most amazing danishes. Unlike most people, she lived on the thrill of first days of school. 

She made sure to double lock her door as she strutted out of her appartment and took in the fresh autum air. There was still about an hour before class but so she could walk as slow as she wanted. 

The leaves where starting to tint to a rustic brown and crumble underneath her pumps, she was always a show fantaic and adored walking in heels even though she was already 5′6. There was something about being taller than most of the girls around her that provided a staggering connfiedcen in her, plus it made her more intrmidating against villains. Sometimes she wore 5 inch heels just to be 6 ft tall for the hell of it. 

The walk to the main campus buildings took her past the majority of the socail houses. She eyed one of the frat houses that she wouldn’t bother knowing its name and a glare and bad taste formed in her mouth. She wondered why people even bothered going to college if they were just going to mess around and not do their work. 

She huffed. She didn’t have time for those silly parties and games, she worked to damn hard to be the top of her class and she was determine to conquer this school too. And the school for her masters and eventally doctoral. She was going to be a leading chemist after all and follow in her fathers foot steps. He nearly cried when she said she wanted to work in his lab one day. 

By the time she got to class, and stopped for a tall iced coffee, extra vanilla for her sweet tooth, class would begin in just ten mintues. 

She was thrilled for her class. Professor Keene was amoung one of the smartest and well known chemists in the contry and when Blossom found out she was going to be learning from her, she almost blew up the house from exictemnt. 

She took a seat in the middle row of the lecture hall and was happy that she wasn’t the only student in there. The class began to fill in but she was engaged in her book so she didn’t notcie anyone who was shuffling in the seat behind or around her. She thought about turning around and intrducing herself to other students. She felt a little bad about how stand offish she could be but she was a famous superhero so not wanting to be the center of attention was something she strived for. Unless it was for grades, then she would gladly take her crown. 

Her phone buzzed quietly in the pocket of her skirt. A small smile came to her lips as she read the text from her sister group chat. 

Bubbles: Hope you have a good day at school sis!

Buttercup: i hate this already 

Blossom: Miss you!

She placed the device away as her closed her book and took out her text book. 

“Hey can I borrow a pencil?” A voice came from her right and she reached into her bag and grabbed one without hesitation. 

“Here you go.” She smiled brightly and as soon as her eyes locked onto his, she let out a gasp and nearly choked on air. 

A smirk appeared on his face as took the pencil from her hand, their fingers touched and she felt a jolt of electriy run through her body. Those dark green eyes that she knew all too well pierced through her soul as she gaped at him. 

“Butch?” 

“The one and only.” he winked and she only narrowed her eyes at him. His being in his prescne had set a shiver down her spine and she thought she wouldn’t see him again, espcecially not at a place like this. 

“How the fuck did you get into college.” She blurted out. She never meant to be rude but could you blame her? 

The smirk fell instantyl as he raised a brow. “That wasn’t very nice.” His smirk reteruned quickly. “When the fuck do you cuss Pink?” He disregearded the isnult and instead leaned closer towards her. “Its pretty hot babe.” 

Ugh those winks made her mad. Remindered her too much of there teenage years. 

She wanted to yell at him for the use of the pet name but soon the professor walked in and Blossom almost forgot that she was in class. She shot him a glare and he only laughed as roll was being called. She could feel his eyes on her occsianlly and wanted nothing more than to freeze his hand and punch him in the stomach.

Her eyes stayed glue to the board and her ears listened delicatly to the lecture. she ignored every time he poked her with a pencil or said something that only super hearing could pick up. 

“I could squash him like a bug.” She mumbled under her breath and she knew he heard, and was proabbly smiling and thinking dirty thoughts. Ugh. 

“Alright that wraps up day one. I am cutting class shorter so that you all have time to get settle and situated.” And with that she packed up her breifcase and made her way out. Blossom admired how she held herself so well, all she saw was a image of what she wanted to be. A respectable woman of science. 

Blossom looked down at her notes and smiled proudly at how neat they were. she had spent all of high school learning differnt technquies for optimal note taking and she had mastered it like a sience. 

“So Pink.” Butch intterupted her thoughts and she turned to look at him, she almost forgot he was there...almost. 

“What?” 

“Wanna hang out?” He asked innocently. He even batted his eyelashes for an effect and Blossom fianlly finished packing up. The room around them had cleared out so they were the last two in the room. 

“No not really.” 

He scoffed at her and dramatically leaned in his seat. “Come on babe.”

“Don’t call me babe.”

“You never yelled at Brick for saying it.”

She turned and rolled her eyes. “First of all Brick is my best friend, secondly, he calls me Toots.” 

“So that's why I’m claiming Babe.”

“No!”

“Don’t tell me Boomer has that one? Because thats not fair, hes got Pigtails already, you should learn to share.” He was acting like a child. 

“Ew no Boomer calls me nothing and neither will you.” She got up from her seat and left class, of course he was hot on her heels. 

She didn’t bother walking fast as he would just catch her anyways and she had a feeling he wasn’t leaving her side any time soon, great.

“I like those shoes Pink.” He whistled. 

“Stop staring at my legs.” She knew she should have worn black leggings instead of nude, fuck, it didn’t even matter, boys would find a way to make an outfit sexualized anyways. 

He fake scoffed, he does that alot she noticed. “I would never look at your long goddess like legs and wonder what they would feel like wrapped around my waist as I-” 

She hit him on the side of the head as he opened the door to exit the building. “In your dreams perv.”

“You better beileve in my dreams.” She ignored him and it was well past noon, she should get food. 

“Wanna grab lunch?” He asked as if he read her mind. She probably should say no but she was too hungry to even care. 

“Fine.” She’ll be “everything nice” for now. 

--

Everything nice her ass. Sure she was a sweet girl but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t put her foot down on bad behvior. Actually yes she would, she was Blossom after all. Bossy Blossy is what Buttercup always said. But scolding Butch, who is 19 mind you, for chewing with his mouth open was not being bossy, just a decdent human being. 

“So high school? Did you graduate?” She asked him with a teasing tone. 

During their high school years, the boys went to one on the oppsite side of town, probably for the fact that middle school was spent trying not to kill each other. I mean when you are born to kill someone, takes a while to get over it. 

As the crime rate for the RowdyRuffs died down, and ya know the whole Boomer and Bubbles hooking up thing, they all decided to be civil with each other. Butch had taken up the sport of ‘flirithng with every girl he sees and pissing of BC because he felt like it. And Brick just wanted to beat Blossom in all things academic, they always tied. 

Butch shurgged. “Nothing to tell, got to graduate, almost failed doing so too but I had my share of fun.” 

Blossom took a sip of her lemonade. “How did you get here then?” 

“Oh that. Yes how did I, Butch Jojo end up at this ivy league school? Well babe-”

“No”

“Yes. I am what you called, athetically inclined. Buttercup got a full ride on that basketball scholarship and I got the same, kinda of a greens thing.” He winked and she thought it over. It made sense that he would get a sports schaolrship but why here. 

“Aren’t there other schools with better sport programs?”

“Sounds like you don’t want me here.” He gave her a pout.

“Not thats not it-”

“Relax babe, im teasing.” He stole one of her fries. Bitch. “I got them from all over but I didn’t want to go where Buttercup and the lovesick puppies were, I’m never living with Boomer again, superhearing is a curse when Bubbles is over.” He made a face and Blossom nodded as she emeber that one time she caught them-ew nevermind. 

“So not there, what about Bricks school.”

“And have him up my ass constantly, no thanks. I needed to breath fresh air, plus the frat that I joined is top notch.” 

She almost gaged. “Frat?” Why was she surpised? 

He notced the hint of disapointment but brushed it off. “Yep. Apprently four other guys got the schalrship from that fraternity alone. If you get it and accept, you have to be there for at least two years, which means party, booze and babes.” He winked and it was her turn to scoff. 

She stabbed a piece of lettuce from her salad. “Well you must be enjoying yourself then.” She had lost her appetite suddenly. 

“Aww you’re the only girl I have eyes for doll.” That didn’t make her feel better and it shouldn’t have anyways.

“I would say don’t do anything stupid while you’re there but we both know thats not possible.”

“You flatter me Pink, thinking im the dumb one when blueberry boy is the offical Dumbest of the Dumb.”

“I’d be careful Butch, he passed high school with good grades.” 

“And yet im at an ivy league school and hes not.” 

“Touche” 

“So which frat did you get into?” She asked out of politeness but that smirk that showed his slightly sharper than normal teeth already had her regretting it.  

   ---

She shouldn’t have been shocked. No really. The fact that she was staring at the notorious frat house wasn’t even the worse part, it was how she didn’t connect the dots sooner. Of course he was in the highest ranked frat, Alpha Alp. 

“Welcome home babe.” He winked and her eyes widened before offering her most polite smile, ya know the ones reserved for the press.

He hung an arm around her shoulder and lead her up the path way to the front door. Her eyes turned to the lawn, which was scattered with beer cans, cigarette buds and oh my, is that underwear? Why is she not surpised. 

The house itself looked like it had alot of money invested in it and the boys who lived here were all proabbly from rich familes where daddy was sending them for a bussiness degree and to fuck around. She hated it. 

Frats to her were the lowest point of college. Everyone here didn’t even work to get in, well not everyone, and they just got to party and spend money. The amount of horror stories that came from this house alone made her shutter. 

There were handprints made of paint lining the wooden deck, presumabley of all the past members and a dark green print with ‘Butch’ sctarched in looked to be apart of the newest batch. She found it oddly charming in some sort of sick twisted way. 

He opened the door with a loud slam and she knew that if he was back home, Brick would have yelled at him for being obnoxious and brash. She couldn’t blame him. 

“Hey boys.” He yelled at the five guys surrouding the tv with more booze on the table. It was only a little bit past noon. 

“Sup Butch. Ooo got a new toy and its only the first day!” One of them cheered and Blossom instantly scoffed and glared at him. 

Butch sensed the disconfort immediately. “Actually boys.” He sneered with a smile. “This lovely lady is just an old friend who is smarter than all of you dimwits combined.” Blossom was now being pulled towards the right side of the house and up a flight of stairs. 

That was a smart move Blossom thought. He knew better than to piss of a red. Sure the greens were the toughest and the blues could cry and throw the worst tantrums but the reds, making them mad was a death wish that only few had endorsed and would like to keep it that way.

They passed some more of his frat brothers, each giving them a wolf whistle, wink or a high five and each one made Blossom shiver. Before more things could be said Butch had closed the door of his room, ignoring all the hooping and hollering. 

He let out a sigh and turned to Blossom who was sporting a frown. 

“Sorry about that Bloss” He smiled lightly and she only shrugged. 

“I didn’t expect anything less.” She replied as she turned to absorb the atmosphere

It was a simple room. Two beds, she assumed there was a roommate, dark oak furniture and a suitcase thrown on the ground. Clearly he hadn’t finished moving in. However when she turned to his desk there had been a sign of clear drug use. 

“Did you snort cocaine before class?” She asked. 

“Would you believe me if i said it was a pixie stick?”

“No.”

“Okay then.” He shrugged and plopped onto the bed. “So Pink, whatcha you wanna do?” He wiggled his eyebrows and she glared.

—

He had won this round of Go Fish. Of course she had already beat him five times but he said she couldn’t leave until he had a taste of victory or a taste of her lips, she chose the first one obviously.

“In ya face Pinky.” He flicked her bow and she rolled her eyes. He liked the bow. Even though it seemed childish to wear it, it screamed power and authority. Ever since he was a kid, he waited until he saw that flash of velvet red before starting a duel between the groups.

“One against five isn’t very good odds.”

“Maybe not but it just shows that I don’t give up. Now how about some poker, we can make it strip poker if ya like.” Again with the winks.

She shook her head. “The day I play strip poker is the day hell freezes over.” She looked out the window and saw the golden sky. “I should probably go, it’s getting late.”

It just registered that she had been here since noon and now it was almost 5 pm. How?

He frown and she thought he looked cute. No. He looked fine, not cute. Not cute.

She stood and slipped back on her shoes. Her eyes now level with his. She didn’t realize how tall he was compared to her. Sure she was only 5’8 in these shoes but she wasn’t used to someone being taller than her, specially since all the other Puffs and Ruffs fell below her.

He finished shoving the cards in his nightstand which probably had a stash of weed, cigarettes and snacks that again, probably laced with weed. He was lucky that the chemical x in his body reversed any damage those caused or else she would have scolded him more than usual.

“Well we can get dinner, there’s this really good place that has the best pizza.”

She thought about it and almost agreed. “Well pizza sounds good but I promised Robin that we would have sushi and movie night.”

“Can I-“

“Sorry Butch, it’s ladies night.” She shrugged and finally managed to get out the door before his puppy eyes showed up.

She ignored all the stares and teasing that the other frat house mates made as she walked out the door. The green ruff was right behind her and even though she couldn’t see him, she had a feeling that dark glare was being pointed in their direction.

“You don’t need to walk me home, im a big girl.”

“I know I just felt like it.” He clicked his tongue. “Ya know babe.” She shoved him. “This is the longest time we’ve ever hung out, jusy the two of us.”

“What are you implying?” Her voice was cold.

“Nothing doll. Just, it’s nice.” He fell silent after that and took in the fresh air.

The walk to her apartment wasn’t that far but when she arrived at the steps, she was a little sad.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Butch, do your homework.” She slightly scolded.

He leaned against the handrail. “Are you gonna punish me if I do bad?” That smirk again, ugh.

A dangerous thought got into her head as she leaned closer to him, their noses barely touching and she could see his eyes slightly widen and pink dust his cheeks.

“Maybe.” And as soon as he blinked, she was already walking up the stairs to her apartment.

His eyes blew wider than before as he realized just how close she was and that damn smirk. A smile grew on his face as he pushed off the rails and headed back to his own place.

“Game on Blossy.” He whispered to himself.

—

Robin was finishing the last of her food when Blossom told her about today.

“It’s not a big deal but we’ve never really hung out before.” Why did she feel weird.

“Is he hot?”

“Robin”

“Hey I haven’t seen him since middle school and if he was a hottie back then, imagine him now.”

Blossom didn’t want to admit that Butch was hot, but he was. Slightly tanned skin with dark raven hair and of course he was ripped and tone. She saw the way his arm flexed every time he grabbed a new card and yeah maybe he was attractive, so what?

“He’s fine.” Liar. “You would probably kill over if you saw him so it’s best to keep your distance.”

A laugh bubbled out of Robin and Blossom finished her own food.

“But it’s nice to have him around, much different from Boomer or Brick. Carefree and fun, dare I say.”

Robin nodded and the girls fell back into a comfortable silence as the movie played.

“Would you date him?” She asked out of no where. “I’d bet he date you.”

“He would date anything that moves.”

“Anwser the question Bloss.” Robin was now playing with fire. Blossoms love life had never been a top priority and now with the added stress of college, it may never be.

She thought about it and shook her head. “No.”

Robin only shrugged and became engrossed with the film again. Blossom sat there wondering why she didn’t believe herself when she said no.

She pushed those feelings aside and watched the screen as the man brought the woman into a passionate kiss with a beautiful sunset behind them. Deep down she wanted that to be her.

————-

Ahhh first chapter of my newest PPG fic!!! This is dedicated and practally for all the lovely people in the fandom!!!

[sanguinarius-archive]

Hey! Could I get to know some of your headcanons about dickfigures/your designs for them? :D

ya ya sure!!!!

i already have my designs for them up if you havent seen, here they are!

as for headcanons idk how long this post will be so ill just add a read more for anyone who might not wanna scroll thru it all lol

red!!!!!

his real name is rowan bc i thought it was cute, also it means “little red one” which is eVEN BETTER

he’s nonbinary masc and bisexual! the self projection is REAL

he has adhd

most of my headcanons kinda flow into my own version of dick figures because i’m not very Satisfied with canon NJSJDNSKM so like. for example red doesn’t just kill people or whatever. he gets into fights and has scars and wears bandaids a lot bc of them

he graduated college with blue, he got a bachelor’s degree in fine arts (honestly idk how college works bc im a grade 10 baby so if thats like totally wrong just let me know also im. canadian so idk how american school system works LOL)

red got suspended a lot in high school but never expelled. mostly bc he got in fights that were mainly him protecting stacey from shitty people (he sees her as his sister so he was rlly protective) and the school wasnt really sure what else to do so they just. you know. suspended him a bunch of times hoping itd do something but it didnt

he hates his dad! reason being is bc when he was born, his dad was actually an alien able to disguise himself as human, so he wanted to take red back to his home planet cuz red turned out to be more powerful than anything his dad had ever seen. but red’s mom was like Nope, so she snuck out with him and his plush cat (kitty amazing) and they were never found. red is very close with his mom and is scared of his dad coming back someday

we know he canonically likes rlly loud music so im just gonna project here and say he’s a metalhead. at least, some form of it. he likes the alt scene music and industrial rock. examples being deftones, nine inch nails, skinny puppy, rage against the machine, kittie and others. it keeps him focused and calm

bLUE!!!

we know blue was bullied as a kid but i dont wanna say red also bullied him bc i feel like thats just wrong to me? MAYBE ITS NOT ACTUALLY but it just makes me sad so like. lets say red, being as protective as he is, stood up for blue a lot cuz he was like “oh this kid cant fight” so he knew what to do

blue dated pink for awhile but they mutually agreed to break up after blue realized this wasnt what he wanted (he came to the conclusion that he was gay, well, he knew for awhile but it was Internalized Homophobia)

he grew up in a very conservative family so to see the world completely differently by meeting red, ems (lt), pink and stacey was a very good thing for him. unfortunately even tho his family did love him, it was conditional so they stopped talking to him after he came out. thankfully he’d already graduated high school by that point

despite being emotional blue isn’t very good at understanding how he’s an emotional person. he’s able to distinct one feeling from another and analyze them, but it’s just... hard for him to kind of. process WHY he feels a certain way? which is what’s led to a lot of his struggles in getting closer with ppl

he loooves reading and writing we already know this but i mean come on. he also got a bachelor’s degree in english/ela. so he’s able to become a teacher ig but he doesn’t really want to? at least not for awhile yet

blue was ems’ first friend. at first he couldn’t understand why they had tics but decided he shouldn’t get into someone else’s business. he didn’t find it weird, just cool!

he and red would always pair up for projects if they had classes together!!!!!! blue would do the writing/research and red would do the illustrations. they always turned out really good even if it ended with red cramming it at the last minute

surprisingly hates broseph more than red. well i mean its not surprising, because broseph was always a huge DICK to him

blue’s real name is wyatt!!!!! i forget the meaning but i felt the sound of it and the meaning fit him well

piiiiink!!!!!!!!!!

she’s still in college, getting her doctorate to be an astrophysicist!

pink is very very smart and will help anyone who’s struggling with something in school. she was basically the genius who always got in the honor roll every year. but, she actually was really anxious especially with exams

pink encourages stacey to go back to school, and sometimes stacey does, but she always ends up leaving again. it’s a little stressful but pink has hope for her

she’s never drank one sip of alcohol in her entire life. she smoked weed once, but it felt weird so she didn’t do it again

ever since she and blue broke up she’s been very supportive of him bc she herself is bisexual!!! so she sees nothing weird about it. in fact, about almost a year later she started dating stacey

pink’s real name is lily. when she became friends with blue she met red through him and she was like “can i join your nickname thing” and they said “sure” so they called her pink. stacey sometimes calls her pinky or just pink but mostly lily

pink helped red with academics. even tho he was sometimes insufferable to work with (/j thats a Joke i promise she’s a very patient person) she didn’t give up on him!!!! in return he helped her out with some fitness stuff cuz pink was always insecure about gym, and later when she graduated she actually got into exercising bc of red!

she loves travelling and going for walks. she owns a lot of houseplants and she’s given them all names and takes very good care of them! she also owns an albino ball python named Velvet

STACEYYY!!!!!!!

stacey is nOT actually all about sex this time ok. i don’t like that. i mean she did have some personality in canon but it wasn’t much? anyways she just really likes to express herself thru tight/”risque” clothing like fishnets and leather and pleated skirts and thigh-highs and platform boots, all of that. basically she’s a goth girl but doesn’t really “act” like one

she’s really intelligent when it comes to animals and insects and will tell you anything you need to know. when she goes back to college she gets a degree in environmental science

stacey can play the electric and bass guitars!!!! she was in a band back in high school but it never really went anywhere beyond performances at parties in someone’s garage. not that she didn’t like it, looking back on it makes her feel happy, but she wished it continued. probably why she has a hard time going back to college bc she’s not sure what she really wants

stacey is a trans woman btw!!!!! unfortunately it was a little difficult in high school to be who she was bc some kids were jerks, but there were a lot of others who supported her which is good

she views red as her brother as well and they still hang out a lot

i haven’t really had time to focus on stacey and make headcanons and stuff for her so i don’t have a lot but... let’s say, secretly, she’s a scifi nerd. and for the sake of debate, let’s say she’s a marvel fan. if you count being a fan of deadpool as being a fan of marvel

LOVES GIRLS.... loves pink!!!

has very similar music taste to red’s!!!!!

emssss!!!!!!! (lt)

instead of being a stereotype of ppl with tourette’s syndrome, it’s just a normal thing that isn’t focused on a whole lot. it doesn’t make ems swear but if they get really really frustrated they’ll curse while doing one of their tics

ems is agender, i’d say they’re also ageless but i don’t really want to make them too “nonhuman” because i feel like that’s dehumanizing to people with tourette’s. so let’s just say most laws of existence don’t apply to them

they’re very friendly!

they’re an aspiring musician, just like in canon

ems is also big into horror movies believe it or not. they’re pretty critical of them though like most horror movie fans, and only like specific ones (i’m not a horror movie fan myself so i can’t say what Specific Ones they like ajsdhbjn just imagine they have good taste okay)

they r very artsy too and like doing crafts cause it gives them something to focus on. it’s just a hobby though it’s not something they’re Professional at

they love nature and flowers and trees and all kinds of plants and animals!!! they like to document what they see when they travel thru nature and stuff so they bring a camera with them (and their phone, but, you know whatever)

ems was never really affected by things people said to them regarding their syndrome. to them it was something they were born with, so they couldn’t bother to feel bad about themselves. in certain situations theyre able to control it but 90% of the time they don’t care about what ppl think

aaaand there u go!!! as for minor characters like raccoon, jason/trollz0r, broseph, dingleberry, they all exist (raccoon isnt a racist stereotype tho), i just dont focus on them a whole lot. most of my hcs for stacey and ems here were thought up on the spot since i havent had time to lay out all my ideas for them but i hope what i have here is good !!!!

also, red and blue ARE dating, and pink and stacey ARE ALSO dating. gay rights

[quirkydeaky]

Life is Real {Chapter One}

ROGER TAYLOR 

how will Roger cope when he finds that his new best friend,  whom he's falling in love with, is slowly dying?

HI! So I’m back and hoping this series will not flop, lol. A few people have been interested in seeing this, so here I am with what people want! If you want, drop a comment or send me an ask and I’ll add you to my tag list. Mwah!

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Also... This story is a multi-part fan-fiction with heavy, mature themes. The Original (and Main) Female Character has a type of Cancer. The type will not be mentioned, but there may be some scenes with heavy implements of medication, treatment or heavily implied scenes at a hospital. 

I DO understand that this topic hits close to home for a lot of people, and if this angst-based series is not something for you, please ignore. Thank you.

[also, send me asks because I need mutuals and also need entertainment!]

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W/C: 2k+

Warnings: Angst. Mentions of personal struggle.

Main Characters: 80s!Roger Taylor, MammaMia2!Lily James (Lillian)

[the start will be a bit slow, but please hang in there! this will begin to swing into place in chapter two, fully being immersed in the plot once we hit chapter three! amazing! love you guys. show love, and enjoy.]

Don't you know... I'm still standing; better than I ever did." Lillian quietly sang, her mind foggy, hazy... cloudy with confusion at the thoughts cramming her brain. "Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid." Why were these thoughts circling in her mind? She was fine, that's what everyone thought. It's what it looked like... looking like she had the normal life, maybe some even classified her as privileged after coming out of Oxford University with a post-graduate degree in English and Creative Writing. One with creatives wonders and endless ideas, she was. Her apartment was a bare representation of her mind that was constantly running at the speed of light, a new idea popping up maybe every five minutes, but, the only real action taken in her apartment was the jingle of her keys as she placed them down on the bench of her kitchen, her shoes she chose to wear that day - their clunk hitting the wall as she slipped them off and walked the rest of her way towards her room where she would immediately strip herself of the day's clothes and swap for an oversized hooded jumper. The twenty-seven-year-old always had the audacity to write about her dream life, always adding to the one project she would constantly come back to, like she always has. It had been her side piece throughout university, her majors and lectures always taking priority, a negative fact of her life, as she always wanted to work on this specific piece. The one about her life, not her life in this reality, but the next. Almost a replication of her life if it could be done over again. Her life would be a buzz in this reality. She'd have a better childhood, not one where her father left at the age of eight after providing a solid year and a half of social and financial abuse, leaving herself and her mother with nothing. They grew from that, though. Her mother found better, and even though Lillian hated the guy at first, they grew to become mutual towards each other. Nothing more. She'd have a sibling or two in this life. She'd always wanted one, always wondered why all of her friends had one and she didn't, an only child. But with life moving quickly and a fast independence building for herself, those friends soon faded from her life when she finally found her dream career she was going to work hard to get anywhere near the end goal. A form of desperation, giving her one of the few things she wanted in this life, which would be the only reward she'd receive in this life, too. But the next, she'd be twenty seven, hopefully engaged. Maybe even be a little risky, perhaps, and have her own child be a part of her bridal party. Her son, a page boy? Her daughter, a flower girl? But this life, her real life, held something different. She was twenty seven, at home in her bare, white coloured walls of an apartment writing this supposed dream she wanted to live; this supposed... fantasy, she wanted to fill. But instead of filling this void with her next dream and fantasy, she was filling it by achieving her goal of becoming educated enough to write a book. So that's what she did. Working one, singular shift a week at the local grocer, this is what she lived off. The basics. That's all she needed. She'd had her own form of independence for a while, ever since she finished school, her mother now an obnoxious brat who had her new man, completely forgetting about her daughter that was still under her care at age seventeen, as that's when she completed that form of education before shipping herself straight off to university. Don't get her wrong, she was glad she got this early offer for Oxford, her grades and teacher's recommendations actually getting her somewhere. Yes, don't take her as an ungrateful woman, glad that she was given somewhere to go after being shipped off to Oxford, her mother providing substantial money to find and buy an apartment. Yes, that's right, buy. Her mother even covered costs of attending university, and she was eternally grateful, but also disappointed she couldn't fulfil her duties of being independent as she wanted to, but she wasn't selfish, either. Ten years later and she could count on one hand how many times she's had a call from her, yet, after promising on those calls that both herself (her mother) and her 'father', would come visit. She couldn't even begin to count on one hand how many times they've come to see her. Zero. And, besides the point, she never had the heart to tell her mum that she was going through some tough things in life, fearing she would be met with words similar to 'stop being silly, you're just uneducated', or even better, 'you just don't know how to go about life', - all before she got to the actual reason she called. But that wasn't it at all, because she was perfectly fine in the aspect of having resources. She had an excellent education, a roof over her head and skills to get her somewhere in life, whether she had much of it left, that is. That's why she didn't have the heart, nor the confidence to tell her mother that she was dying, over the phone. She also feared that her mother wouldn't care. Wouldn't believe her. So here she was, strolling the streets in, the dizziness the succumbs her in the morning, the feeling of nausea that doesn't drift until around lunchtime a lot of the time. She tries to prevent wearing black in pure daylight, it attracts sun and heat, which could make her pale and fragile skin burn, making it turn red and peel at a much faster rate than what the rest of the human race would know. Refraining from wearing black also means the people who walk behind her oddly skinny figure don't have to see the constant fall of her blonde hairs that shed from her head, sticking to the material of her clothes. She doesn't want to freak anyone out. But today, Lillian wore black. She typically wears a long sleeve on the top half and long pants on the bottom half, prevents from scaring people, and more importantly herself away, from her constantly bruising skin, the weakness of her own skin bruising at the slightest touch with a little extra force, for example, hitting her elbow on the kitchen bench. Bruise, almost a few hours later, black and blue skin in a circular shape. With a negative mindset almost half the time, her mental health isn't always they greatest, as she sees how her body is affected from treatment, how strong it's getting as her body somehow, after some rounds, grows weaker. Independence was important to Lillian, as mentioned before. She had one, a real friend who stuck close by for a while, but dropped out of the degree they were in together half way through to move to Scotland. Sophie was her name, but after tears and shouted goodbyes at the airport, a promised call every week soon turned into calls once a month, and then once every birthday, maybe on Christmas day if she were lucky. Lillian doesn't even know if Sophie remembers her. So she didn't tell her. No one knows. It's hard that no one knows about that battles Lillian has with herself every day, fighting through the pain, the surprises and the side effects. She doesn't have an outlet, anyone to go to. Her confidence is drained to the point of no return, so she wouldn't even consider going to visit someone like a counsellor. It's been three years and seven months as of the beginning of July 1980. Today. January 1977, not the nicest way to start off the year when you're diagnosed with cancer and given, at that point in time, a message, one saying to 'live the next five years of your life to the fullest', because the doctor's didn't even know if Lillian would be here for her thirtieth birthday. This really isn't how she imagined her life to go. She knew since she was fifteen that she wanted to be an author. Yes, she was eternally grateful that she had an excellent education, the beginning of her life set up for her. But she also wanted to become an author, whether that meant she published a book and it made two people's bookshelves at home or if it meant she became the most known author in the world for the next ten years. She didn't know, she didn't care, she just wanted to get a book published. Lillian is twenty-seven years old. Her birthday is in April. In all honesty, she has a maximum of two years to get this book out, and if she does, she will die a happy woman, as long as she gets one of her works published. She didn't care if she didn't have a boyfriend, a husband for that matter. Yes, she may have been a little upset at the fact that the chance of her having children was becoming closer to impossible than highly unlikely, but what could she do? She was a woman walking around, her 'cancer tag' of sorts, invisible to the rest of the world, to the naked eye of the people that walk past her on a day-to-day basis. She'll sometimes get bruises on her shoulders when people unnecessarily barge into her. But what she felt right now was a sense of loss of direction. Her recent chemotherapy session was a little stronger than the last, and one of the side effects was a lack of remembering things. Forgetting things all of a sudden. Surroundings, thoughts, all those types of things. This thought overwhelmed her, as she tried to escape her routine of staying home in isolation for most of the week and escape to the different parts of England, wanting to explore. If she didn't have long left, she needed to do it. Lillian really didn't know where she was; picking up the pace as she sees street signs not far ahead through her blurry vision, both from tears and as a side effect. Speed walking was a common thing Lillian did, sometimes to escape the world when it all got too much. Running was something she refrained from doing, the speed her legs were to travel at making her muscles stiff after a while. Another side effect. She knew the city she was in. Norfolk. She was still in England, but she doesn't remember what specific part she's in. This is the difficult part, trying to remember. Slowing down as she enters a street with townhouses, mostly single or double storey, nothing extravagant. A quieter part of the town. Friendly looking. Lillian calms down a little, walking slow with an effort to make her heart rate drop back to average resting rate, so she wouldn't visibly stress once more. But her heart rate only sped up as she realises she's reached the end of the street. A no through road, no way to get to any other part of own unless she turns around, but that was the opposite of what she wanted to do. Her breathing increases, the effort to summon her energy to turn around and walk back to where she originally came from disappears, so she turns back and walks forward towards the door in which she was standing not too far away from. Knocking. A thing that makes her nervous. The chance of having to communicate with someone. She wasn't introverted, god no. She was as extroverted as could be... or, more or so used to be. She believed she still was, but, that was for both her and whoever answered the door to find out. Her breathing may be rapid, and her mouth may be dry, desperate for water. She was dehydrated- but her breathing only increases once more, her mouth becoming impossibly dryer than she's met with a confused face of a man, blonde. He's beautiful, and she knows who he is. She seems to forget everything she's supposed to know as she makes eye contact with this man's piercing blue eyes. She knows who he is. It's Roger Taylor. Drummer. Famous. Queen. "Uhm... Hello?" He asks, clicking his finger in front of the startstruck girls face. "Can I help you?"

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[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Spiritual Log 2.0 November 26 2019

Subtitle: My personal essay on “The troubles of having BOOMER PARENTS,” actual or boomer-ized 😂

Hi everyone, so... This is the part 2 I was talking about... I have been planning to make this post since the OK Boomer thing popped out, which was around early this year? But I never got to, basically because life. Also because my writing app keeps crashing and just when I have written 4 pages of stuff or so, it died, and I didn’t get to save anything. I have to quit with the device, boot up the PC and do it because I cannot rest and I will not rest until I had this post up and running. So here you go, an account of having actual boomer parents lol But not all of them ok? Just most of them. Mine, at the very least. You don’t have to read this long-ass full-of-triggers post but if you need to feel validated because nobody  listens to your pain, it’s OK, feel free to read.

Disclaimers: I am writing this mostly for sharing and to give comfort to basically everyone who got negatively-affected deeply by the boomers in their lives. I am not putting any blame, just putting this info out there. Also, I am using the term "boomer" in its original sense, which is the shortened form of BABY BOOMERS aka the kids who were born around the time of World War II, most especially those born AFTER the war has ended. Also, don’t feel sad if you feel like your parents or other adult guardians just don’t get you. It’s bound to happen, and it’s better to just focus on the people who understand and get you better. Sometimes, if not most of the time, we just have to let go of expectations that the people we expect to understand the most because we’re related aka family members will do just that, but instead are the ones who will make us feel alienated the most. That’s quite painful at first, but very liberating once you get the hang of it.

OK, so before we get off-track, I shall start the premise of this post by saying that anyone who acts like a typical boomer aka isn’t open-minded, is too-fixed in their ways, isn’t open for discussions, has no ounce of creativity whatsoever, has no room for compromise or even agreeing to disagree, well, they’re boomers I guess? But what I will write here is an actual account of having actual boomer parents aka Pluto in Leo folks so yeah, you might wanna check out my post on that, right here. Then go back here lol

To start this post, I would like to mention that if you were led here, one way or another, I am here to tell you that this is no coincidence, the divine realms want you to reach your highest potential, but first to have to feel your lowest lows, through the eyes of other people. I will try my best not to make this a heavy post, but it might turn into one because I will be letting out my personal experiences and be at my weakest, even weaker than a soggy piece of bread. Please bear with me.

I don’t know who initially coined the term “OK boomer” but honestly, the phenomenon of youth infuriating the older generations is nothing new. This has been going on since time immemorial, which undoubtedly lead to steady improvements in science and technology. Unfortunately, when it comes to making connections, it pretty much just made understanding other people with large age gaps grow much harder, thus pushing them further apart. As a rebellious and hopelessly crazy child of boomer parents, this is how I faced my early life and even my life right now. It’s a way of living.

I don’t know exactly why boomer parents are just so hard-headed about things like work, stability, education, social standing, marriages, the lives of other people, the superficial stuff that pretty much other Pluto generations (again, see my post here lol) seem to not put that much energy into. They just had the best of luck by getting to choose their end goal, and following a straight, narrow-path to success that actually worked for them well. Go to school, get a job, get a higher education, you’ll get promoted, and then you’ll become a boss. Get married, have kids, buy a very large house and a really fast car, and you’ll be so happy. Climb the social ladder under all costs and you will find respect and success. That’s what these boomers swear by, because these life formula were something that they were able to easily get. Easy promotions (they will tell you that they worked “hard” for it, yeah like 2 years or so. I have been a work slave for more than 10 years and got nowhere so yeah, “hard work” is extremely subjective), easy grades (remember, so many breakthroughs came after their time so younger kiddies have to learn a whole lot more garbage in school), basically they had to struggle less than younger people have to do right now because there weren’t as many people they have to compete with. 

Don’t expect boomers to ever feel your pain. I mean, if the tried and tested formula worked for them, they cannot see past the idea that it just doesn’t work for you. They will never accept the fact that you can see all the flaws and holes in the system, they were simply conditioned to believe that what they learned worked for them, therefore what they did was right and you should just suck it up like they did. It will never occur to them that you were just being your honest self, that you wanted something that aligns more with high-vibrational energies like REAL teamwork, emotional support, caring for the well-being of others, stuff that they never had to contend to because they were all cut-throat and had to be selfish AF when they were your age. They would blame dead-tired folks like us as lazy, unproductive, haven’t worked hard enough (with all your MS degrees and PhD’s and hundreds of seminars and congresses and certifications and competitions that you undertook) and all that downplaying yadah-yadah even if the only thing you haven’t done literally is to sell your soul to the devil just to get a measly raise. The system failed you tremendously even though you followed what your boomer parents told you to do, you did your best to live the most honest and straight path you could ever do, and yet you still didn’t get anywhere while the unscrupulous people were rolling in the deep by passing through all the loopholes in the system. This is something that boomer parents will never, ever understand and is something that we, as spiritually aware and awakened people must come to terms with and be open to accept.

Of course, don’t get me wrong. I am not shunning the idea of having a great, easy and abundant life. I have been doing my best to get to that point. I mean, yeah, sure it would be nice to have some food everyday, a house to live in, maybe feel a bit better than scraping each and every day, not get judged by other people, but honestly, once you start falling into the rabbit hole of waking up to what reality really is (spoiler alert: it’s not what you were told it would be, because you already tried EVERYTHING and nothing just worked out for you) it just makes even more nonsensical. These vague ideals of what happiness truly is (for these boomers) just aren’t exactly worth expending any energy into. Besides, based on my own experiences, no matter what I do, no matter how much I try to please everyone there are always a lot of people, including my own parents who just have so many negative things to say about me, so why even bother lol. SO I just gave up. I let them do whatever they want, I mean, it’s not like I have any good reputation left anyway. Besides, if I DO decide to show who I truly am, I just let my output and my work speak for myself. Whoever deems it ok can judge me however they would like it to be judged. It’s not like I never had issues like this before. And I have been so used to doing things on my own and not exactly relying much on other people so this is pretty much like my second skin. Being happy in it, gaining confidence, and ultimately using it to shield myself from the negative stuff the rest of the world throws at me is what I do a lot of.

Of course, it wasn’t always this way. I mean, as a kid I just couldn’t stand the idea of having to grow up at the speed of light because the parents aren’t exactly being parents. Most, if not all of the boomer parents out there, including my own have been hard pressed to do what they want in order to get ahead in their lives. No holds barred, no morality concerns, the most important thing is getting the results they want. Always be on top. Always succeed. Being Ok with failure is for losers. Zero cares on how the processes have been done, as long as they have their preferred outcome. I cannot stress how RESULTS are extremely important, alongside perfection at all costs. Certificates, awards, merits are things that are very important to boomers because they signify a sense of aptitude. Even if those credentials were all fake. Or even superficial. But that’s what they deem important. I can’t even tell you how many certificates, awards, trophies, all that stuff that my parents accomplished are here in our home, and yet you can count how many family pictures there are in here. Spoiler alert, my right hand has more fingers than we have family pictures here. It’s pretty sad, but I could safely say that for my boomer parents, it is very clear to me what their priorities in life were, and still are. And that’s something that I have been having a hard time moving past from, but I am doing my best to heal from that. It’s a deep wound, but I want to believe that I am going to be OK. Of course, because everything that stems from childhood is very hard to remove and is quite painful to do so, especially without any form of mental health practitioner aid, and, well, it’s an uphill struggle for everyone.

As a boomer’s kid, the very thing I could remember since childhood was doing a lot of stuff by myself, learning to do stuff on my own. We basically live and breathe DIY, so living by ourselves typically pose no problem. A whole bunch of us Pluto in Scorpio boomers’ kids had to typically raise ourselves, on our own, like self-raising flour lol but no, really, like we have to take care of ourselves a lot. No internet back then, phones were but a luxury and so were Cable TVs and gaming consoles, encyclopedias and other sources of information were limited to libraries (unless your family was rich enough to buy the latest set). Everything we learned, we learn through trial and error. No manuals,little to no instruction guides, no walkthroughs nor playthroughs, no cliffnotes. Not enough adult supervision. We just play outside with our peers, or on our own. Because the boomer parents are always out and about, chasing their careers, making a name for themselves, earning the cash they want so they can go out and take vacation breaks, buy the house and car that will make others envy them, that sort of stuff. 24/7 non-stop work because no work equals no pay and no pay equals less money to pay for loans, and less money to enjoy. This also means that no quality time to spend with kids, or get to know them, every interaction just consists of shallow stuff like how was school, did you get top grades, you’re not doing hard enough, stuff like that. Pretty shallow, if there even has any kind of interaction. Most of the time, they bring home extra work, so good luck getting some form of help with school. Of course, again, I am basing these on my own experiences, so you might wanna take a look at your own life experiences and compare them, see what makes sense aka what resonates.

For me, what I find really hard and painful is that I just cannot connect with my parents. And they have no intention of connecting with me in any way, shape or form. I have always been very keen and vocal on what I want, what I need, why I hate things, why I love things, why I hate getting hugs and kisses from my boomer parents’ friends, how I get bullied at school or elsewhere everyday, and why for some reason I could strongly feel the hidden intent of everybody, which is why I hate going out in public as well. Of course, telling these things to boomer parents can be a source of nightmares, because they would simply tell you that YOU ARE WRONG. Period. No questions asked. THEIR WORDS ARE AUTHORITY. Because for boomer parents, their children are just EXTENSIONS  OF THEMSELVES, and THUS THESE CHILDREN HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO EXPRESS ANY OPINIONS THAT DIFFER FROM THEIR OWN BECAUSE THEY ARE DEEMED INCAPABLE OF THINKING for THEMSELVES. Basically boomer parents assume that their children will always agree with them, thus bypassing the need to confirm and verify their actual wants and needs, even if in reality the children have actually very opposing and differing ideas. Hence the boomer parent tagline “I KNOW YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF” comes to mind. If the boomer parent does actually receive very, very differing and even polarized opinions from their children because they kept assuming that they know what the kids want or know, THESE people will always find a way to tell you that what you feel, what you hear, what you know ARE ALL WRONG. They will always tell you that YOU HAVE NO EXPERIENCES IN LIFE SO DON’T EVEN BOTHER TELLING THEM THINGS THAT THEY WILL NEVER AGREE ON. Everything that they know is fixed and anything that contradicts their knowledge is JUST WRONG. Yep. Even more so if your parents are teachers, and because they teach other people and have high authority over them, they have grown accustomed to the identity of just being accepted without any complaints or dissention. A really horrible combo when you’re a genetically rebellious kid and your parents are boomers. What’s even more ironic is that they’re always out when you need people in your life, so you go to whoever is available to help you, thus you forge better connections outside your home, and in turn you absorb the ideologies of other people, because they make sense to you a whole lot more than what your boomer parents believe in. And yet they would and will always dare tell you that you’re basically not their child because you think so very differently from them. lol the irony is never lost on me. I find it usually funny when I exercise my Gemini detachments but when I fall into my Cancer abyss (it sucks to be a Cancer Venus) I just get all downtrodden and yeah, waterworks spill out. I had the cursed fate of having academic people as my boomer parents so I really had zero chances of being heard and understood. Even now. So in the end, why even bother?

IF you ask me, it’s because of the social conditioning of LOVING YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS EVEN IF THEY DON’T LOVE YOU BACK, AND DO NOT SUPPORT YOU NOR YOUR BEST INTERESTS is a very, very strong factor. Never mind the toxicity of relationships, I mean, those toxic relationships were very well-forged during childhood, so those things become quite normal, even if they should never even be to begin with. That is something that I have seen not just with myself but with a lot of people. People who keep putting up with jerks. People who end up in dead-end jobs and seeing the light in their eyes slowly die. Even worse, people who got hurt so much by others that they literally turn into the very thing that hurt them the most. It’s just so painful to see all of these, all because of the skewed ideals that FAMILIES SHOULD STICK TOGETHER THROUGH EVERYTHING. ALWAYS SUPPORT YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS, even if they do you wrong. Even if they treat you like dirt. Even if they just suck the life out of you. Even if they just use you as an emotional crutch. Even if they don’t see you for who you are. Even if you mean nothing more than a tax break to them. 

I apologize for sounding like a ranting, ungrateful lunatic but I just had to let that out.I just feel so dead inside just typing all of those up, because to be honest, I got a lot more moral support from a random dude that I chatted with and never remembered the identity of ever again, than my own kin. Honestly, I’m about to turn into my mid-30s by 2020 and yet I still have to deal with these so much issues from my past while still doing my best to live and even thrive on this 3-dimensional realm, and for me, having to look at what screwed me up while NOT PUTTING BLAME on my boomer parents have been the most taxing thing I had to do since trying to win even an ounce of their affection way, way back. I am literally one heartstring away from giving up. I have been trying to see the light and to be honest, I can’t right now. What bothers me even more is that a lot of the spiritual community posts, articles, and videos kept invalidating the shitty stuff that happened to me when I was a lot younger, and the phrases that say “That is for the highest good, all are one, we are all from Source, everything is for the expansion of the Creator” seriously if I’m not in the best mood and my friendly demons have been running amok in my head because I haven’t played with them for a while, I would shun these posts and think that I would very much want to shove them all down in a tight box and throw that into an exploding volcano like seriously I don’t need this kind of crap right now. 

So if you’re in that phase right now, don’t worry, I got your back, you’re not going crazy, what you feel is valid because feelings rarely lie, if they ever do. You are beautiful, handsome, wonderful and awesome, and what you feel is not what you are. It’s OK to fray, as long as to your true self, you stay.

Well I hope that affirmation above calmed you down.

To sum up the boomer issue post:

This is mostly a post for the people who have been swimming upstream because the world we live in has really gone down to the dogs. Nothing makes sense and despite being silenced we strive to make ourselves heard and be known. For typical renegades and rebels, having issues with authority is one of their key themes in life, and in all honesty this can actually break them. Even just having them heard would mean a lot, but if you have boomer parents, well you’re better off signing up to go to Mars, you have better chances with that. This is because most of the boomer parents or even authority figures in general are not the kind of people that would readily give in to others that disagree with them, or even want to work with other people by sharing the space, the power, and the control. They likely see this as a threat to everything that they have done in the past, and as such, anyone and anything that strongly opposes their beliefs will ultimately end up getting crashed and burned, with no questions asked. Unless you vagrantly manipulate them by stoking their fragile ego like sucking up to them and agreeing with them all the time. They’re not that impenetrable as they want you to believe, but then again, why would you even use such low-vibrational tactics when you can just move on from them altogether. Their time on earth is pretty much near the end of their rope so just let them have their moment, and focus on yourself instead. Lay your foundation of living your best and highest-vibrational life. Or at the very least, just living an honest life and living your inner truth, guided by your highest and true Self. The joy you will find from that will be so much more worth it, so I support you in that goal.

Thank you so very much for stopping by, and reading this very long, personal post, and I pray that you find the healing you seek.

With love and hugs from Source above, I remain your Soul sibling,

Mikazuki

[pyrofleurs]

i turn 23 in a month and had a small crisis about being an adult so i wrote about it

fair warning, this is p corny and questionably written but when i finished it i was like, hey, i feel like i did a pretty good job articulating my feelings, it would be cool if i had some sort of blog platform to post this on, and then i was like oh god i guess i do have a blog and this is it. so, here it is. i’d say its kind of in the same vein as that 2018 year in review rambling essay i wrote back in january lol. enjoy??

I am 22 years old. In exactly one month, I turn 23. The number 23 is a bit of a gross one to me, both because it seems uneven and messy, and because it's the first year in which by age alone, I could not pass for a college student to some rando who happens to look at my driver's license and see that I was born in 1996. At 23, it is undisputable that the numbers show that I am a "true adult", which is terrifying, because it implies to the general public that I am no longer deciding what to do with my life. It implies that I know by now.

Even if I don’t quite see myself as a “real adult” yet (and it seems like most people never really do), I still have to make decisions that will impact my life years down the line, all the way till I'm 30 years older and looking back, and then even more. To me, this is what is so terrifying. I look ahead in my mental map and see tens of hundreds of possibilities, all different ways that my life could pan out. But the longer I wait, the longer I put off any number of big decisions, the harder it can be to attain them. Is that actually true? Honestly, I have no idea. There is no shame in starting late, whenever that may be. But right now, I have the opportunity to start building my life at the "ideal time", according to advice blogs and my parents and my college career center, so I should probably take it.

So, I wrote down three ways my life could potentially pan out in the next 10 years, at least in a career-oriented sense (I’ll spare you most of the details), and these are my observations:

The one thing that is constant in all three scenarios is that I am totally uncertain on how I feel about all of them. Rereading my (pretty ridiculous, if I’m being honest) paragraph-long debriefs on each career path, I say "I could", or "I would", or "I might". I could stay in my current role in a corporate job, but it's not my dream industry. I could work towards making my “passion projects” a full-time job, but I would sacrifice steady pay and healthcare benefits. I could get my masters degree in the industry I want, but I'd go into debt in what most likely will be the middle of an economic downturn.

My biggest fear is that I will be so afraid of any of these potential consequences that I will not commit to any of them. I am afraid I will run out of time.

I oscillate between "I'm only 22, I have plenty of time to figure things out", and "I'm 22, these are the years where I will make decisions that will affect the rest of my life, and I need to act accordingly right now". Am I wasting money by moving out? Am I going to wait too long to make a career change and end up stuck in a job I'm sick of? Am I going to pursue my master's degree and switch careers, giving up a steady job in the process, and graduate in the middle of a recession with massive student loan debt?

Do other 22 year olds think about this the way that I do? Will I look back on my 20s as a 30 year old and realize I wasted what could have been the best years of my life worrying? What about when I'm 40, thinking about my 30s? What about after that?

I'm always looking forward to what I want next, always grasping for accomplishments that are slightly out of reach, and I'm not exaggerating when I say this is what keeps me going. Part of me knows that I have goals I will never reach, but I love imagining the possibility anyways. I like to look ahead at what my life could be if, in a few years, I've met the goals that I've set for myself now.

But—why do I feel unable to start living my life right now? Why do I feel like my ideal life will only "truly" get going once I get a raise, once I get an agent, once I get a book deal, once I get a girlfriend? What am I missing out on, right now?

I suppose what I'm trying to say is this—I have always lived my life this way. I have a problem of looking at the big picture too much, but when I look back on my memories that burn the brightest, they're never of the "big things". Two moments from the past few months that stick in the back of my mind include going to a Capitals playoff game in April, and a Khalid concert in July. Both unplanned. One expensive, and one free. Both of these events I decided to go to the week of. I didn't plan them out at all. They were not included in my "big plan".

I didn't need a raise to enjoy either of these moments. The memories wouldn't have been sweeter knowing I had a book deal, or if I was in a steady relationship. I screamed and cheered, jumped up and down, chanted my favorite player's name in a 6-0 win, and went to bed with a sore throat. I sang along to beautiful music, some songs I barely knew and some I knew by heart. I soaked in the hazy technicolor atmosphere and ate popcorn until the kernels got stuck in my teeth and the salt melted into the sides of my cheeks. If I choose to stay at my current job instead of pursing my dream career, will those moments diminish? If I get my master's, will changing careers stop me from doing all the other things I love to do? 

The answer, to these questions, at least, is no. Sometimes, my indecision hurts, as if I can feel my future slipping away as I painstakingly weigh one option over the other. I study budget spreadsheets and watch TED talks and read blog posts, craving direction as if there is one magical answer to it all, as if studying would help me get a passing grade, as if there was anybody actually administering a "test" to me in the first place. 

I think at some point I just need to admit that I can, in fact, overprepare—or at least overthink. It is detrimental. When I studied in school, for AP exams and college finals, I could tell when I had studied enough. It would be 2am, and my eyes were glazing over. I couldn't take in any more of the information even if I tried. After a certain point, I had done all I could do in the moment. What I really needed was rest. 

So, I think that's what I'll do. On one hand, I do need to be prepared. I don’t want to just wander aimlessly through my 20s, assuming that one day I'll just wake up and have some sort of ideal life I’ve always wanted. I actually need to get there, somehow. I can't be passive. But the best I can do is start moving forward, one day at a time, and accept that this is good enough. I can't skip ahead. I won't get some big flashing sign of validation that shows me that what I've chosen is the best possible path, meticulously selected and pursued out of every single outcome that I've ever calculated in my head. But I truly don't think it has to be. In every one of these timelines, I'll have good days and bad days. I'll have moments of victory and regret. But above all that, knowing that I took action and made deliberate decisions for myself will always be a stronger choice than hanging back and wasting time and feeling safe in my inaction. I'm afraid of change because the thought of failure is much more daunting than the thought of things staying the same. I just assume that future me will have it all figured out.

But, obviously, I am future me. And I am present me, and I am the shared and lived experiences of past me. And I've done pretty well so far, so there's no reason to think that all of a sudden I'll ruin my life just because the decisions I may make in the future are unfamiliar, or scary, or not what I thought they would be when I was 15 or 20 or even 22. 

I think I do a pretty good job of taking care of future me. I have a plan—well, maybe too many plans. But I have ambitions, and goals, and I make time for others and also myself. It's a hard balancing act, as literally anyone would say. There's no reason to think that any one of the paths I've detailed out for myself would stop me from loving myself, my friends, my family, or a partner. It won't stop me from experiencing the moments that make me glow on good days or that drag me through the mud on other days, just to make it out okay on the other side. But above all, if I want to find out what actually happens 10 years from now, whether it’s one of the options I wrote out in detail or something I never could have imagined, I have to make one big decision, and that is to get up and go figure it the fuck out myself.

[andromeda3116]

It was ten years ago, today.

I remember. Ten years ago, a teenage girl committed suicide. When I received the text message with the news, my first reaction was appalled, righteous fury: this is a really sick April Fool's joke, how dare someone play this prank.

It was not an April Fool's joke.

I remember. The last time I saw her, I thought "something's wrong" but I dismissed it. We weren't exactly close, that gray area between acquaintance and friend, we'd talk if we ran into each other, hey how ya been?, but I'm sure I didn't cross her mind much, and for the last year or two of her life, she didn't cross mine much either. It happens. Different grades, different lives. People move on. No hard feelings.

I don't know what led her to it, I don't know what she was thinking before she did it. I don't even know why it struck me the way it did; maybe it was because I remember thinking that something seemed wrong, and I didn't do anything about it -- or was that hindsight? Did I actually think, at the time, that something was wrong, or was I just trying to remember the last time I saw her, if there were any signs? Was I just trying to find blame, some sense in the senselessness? Maybe I did think it at the time, or maybe it’s just memory trying to find answers. It doesn't matter anymore.

This post both is and isn't about me. I cried, I grieved, but I didn't come home for her funeral. We weren't close. I was at college four hours away. It happens.

But something cracked in me when I read that text. I'd struggled in the past, but I believed it was in the past, I really did. I'd moved out, gotten some independence, had a plan for the future. I was coming out of my shell. I was happy, I had a social life, I went to parties. I was going to Be Someone. The stress and breakdowns of senior year were just being sixteen, seventeen and placing too much pressure on myself to succeed.

I was wrong. It lurks. It waits. And all it takes is one hit, in just the wrong spot, and the whole structure comes crashing down. And did it ever crash down. It took almost exactly one year to fall to the point that I had to withdraw, and another to finally hit the bottom.

It wasn’t her fault. I was never not someone with depression, with ADHD and all its associated neuroses, I was simply someone who could compensate for them, until I couldn’t. The day was always going to come when I couldn’t do it anymore. It was just the catalyst. Maybe it would have gone differently if she hadn’t done it, I don’t know. When I wonder what the world would be like if she hadn’t, I don’t think of myself. She was kind, the first one in the new youth group at the new church to be friendly to me, to make me feel included. She was funny, outgoing, vibrant. Her death was a huge loss, and the effect it had on me is irrelevant to the tragedy of it. I don’t mean to imply otherwise, or twist things to make a tragedy all about me.

But this post is about me, and it’s about the things we forget when we get lost inside ourselves. Because the path her death incidentally sent me spiraling down almost led me to the same place, and it took me a long time to understand why.

It's taken me ten years to rebuild myself, my personality, from the bottom up. I'm still not back to where I started. I don't think I ever can be. Part of me didn't come back from that place, and at some point I had to just… let go of it. There is -- and will always be -- a ghost-version of me in the back of my head, who didn't fall. The ghost is perfect. The ghost is always happy. The ghost does all the things I dreamed of at eighteen and has all the things I meant to have now, ten years later.

Everyone has at least one, I suppose, the thing that splits their lives into "before" and "after", and the person in the “before” is simply… gone. Or at least changed in some irrevocable way. It happens, it goes from now to yesterday, to last year. Time passes. The world turns. The ghost goes on like nothing happened, and the real you -- well, eventually you learn to stop comparing yourself to it. It doesn’t really go away, but it gets quieter. You close the door on it, move on from it, but it’s always there, in that room, and you always know it’s there, and every now and then it screams and bangs on the wall, and --

Well, you live with it. There… really isn’t another option. You live with it or you die from it; there’s no cure, no pill a doctor can give you to make it go away. Believe me, I tried.

But this post also isn't about me.

This post is also about people, about the world, about you if you're still reading this. You, who think, either consciously or idly or just as a general feeling in the back of your head, that no one would really care if you were gone, or that they’d be better off if you removed the burden of dealing with you from their lives. You, in the darkness of a bad night, wondering why you even bother.

She was a classmate and a friend from church, one of the people who came and then went from my life, the people I simply drifted away from. No drama, no fights or falling-outs, we parted on good terms and waved at each other in the hallway and then went our separate ways, because that’s just how time moves people around.

And yet her suicide was the sudden wind that brought my house of cards crashing down. And its aftershocks linger to this day, the fact that I’m even writing this, I idly scroll through Facebook memories and I see an old picture of myself, an old status update, timestamped ten years ago, and it reminds me.

Of myself, and of her, and the horrible holes that we can leave in the lives of other people, when we forget that we have the power to.

The point to all of this is that you are never an empty space. Your presence, your absence, the news of what you’re doing with your life, for good or bad -- more people are affected by it than you can possibly imagine. We’re all connected in a billion intricate ways, the loss of the one ripples through the many.

The point is, your loss would never be nothing. Even the awful stories you hear, the old lady who died in her apartment and went unfound for years -- someone opened that apartment door and felt a horror they would never be able to un-feel. Someone read that story and called their grandma to tell her they loved her. Someone heard about that lady and decided to check in on the neighbor they hadn’t seen in a while.

No one lives in a bubble, totally self-contained, only affecting themselves. We’re all connected to one another, we know it, we joke about it, six degrees of Kevin Bacon and “it’s a small world after all” and “lol same” -- but we see it everywhere and so we don’t see it anywhere. It’s the truth that hides in the background radiation of everyday life, all the ways, big and small, that we bounce off of each other. We see so much of it that we never look at it.

So take a look. Remember. You’re never the only one you affect. Your life is never worthless. And, consequently, you’re never really alone, with your sorrow or your joy or your love or your rage or your indescribable pain or your terrible hollowness. Everything we do has an effect on the people and the world around us, some in tiny ways you’d never think to notice, and others in huge, life-changing ways you can’t take back or do over, for better or worse.

I didn't mean to write this much, and I don’t have a real conclusion to this post that turned into an essay, except this: depression is horribly, horribly isolating, it tells you that no one cares and it tells you that they’d be happier without you and it tells you that you’re all alone in your little world in your head, but it is lying.

It is a liar. You are never nothing.