#to be fair i also have to remind myself to be patient

[boxboxlewis]

fake dating, maxiel

Daniel picks Max up at the airport. He seems a little distracted, although he’s friendly enough to the clouds of gnat-people who buzz around asking them for selfies, for autographs. In the car he turns the entertainment system up loud and drums his fingers on the steering wheel as he drives, staring straight out at the horizon.

Max’s first thought is that Daniel is regretting having invited him to Perth. But then he imagines his therapist raising her eyebrows at him, and ok, yeah: there are other possibilities. Maybe something bad is happening in Daniel’s personal life. Maybe someone in his family is sick.

“How is your sister,” Max asks.

Daniel glances at him, and turns the stereo down. “My—you mean Michelle?"

Max reminds himself to be patient. “Daniel. You do not have any other sisters.” 

It’s hard, trying to read Daniel’s face from the side. His mouth twists and then smooths out again. Max doesn’t know what that means. 

“Michelle is great,” Daniel says finally. 

“Ok,” Max says. “Your parents? They are ok also?”

Daniel frowns, now. “Max, what the fuck. Is this like—a weird pass-agg way of saying I should’ve asked about your family?”

Max gives his imaginary therapist an imaginary middle finger. See, this is where you’ve got me. He says, “You are being weird, and I thought maybe—maybe you didn’t actually want me to be here. Sometimes, people invite you to things but they do not actually want you to say yes, it is just a, a polite thing, and you are supposed to say Oh thanks so much and then not do it.” 

Daniel starts to say something, but Max isn’t finished. He powers on. “But then I thought—my therapist says it is not healthy, to think people are upset at me always if they are upset. Because maybe, it is something else. So I thought, maybe your family. There was something. Maybe one of them was sick. So I asked you.”

Daniel blows out a long breath. The windows are down and the air smells spicy and warm, like recent rain. “All right,” he says, “yeah, it’s—I am being weird, but it’s not—everyone in my family is fine. And I definitely want you to be here.” He shoots a look at Max, like he wants to check if Max believes him. “It’s just—I did something kind of dumb, and I think maybe you’re going to be mad about it. And like, if you are, that’s fair, because, uh. I mean, I can—I’ll get it, if you want to just leave.”

Max says, “If you did it, I am sure it is not that dumb,” and Daniel closes his eyes for a second.

“Ok, well, remember you said that when you’ve heard what I’m about to say, ok? So like. My cousin is getting married, next weekend.”

“Oh, you’re right. That is dumb as fuck,” Max says flatly, and then cracks up when Daniel scowls at him. “What, come on! What is so dumb about your cousin getting married.”

Daniel squeezes his hands on the steering wheel, then relaxes them. Squeezes them, relaxes them. “Yeah, no, that part’s ok. Uh, so I like—I told my cousin I would go.”

“Daniel, that is fine,” Max says. “I can just stay at the farm, I can entertain myself for one day.”

“I-told-her-I’m-bringing-a-date,” Daniel says, words all running together. It takes Max’s mind a second to catch up. “I told her—basically, like, I told her I was in a long-term relationship and I would bring my boyfriend to the wedding. And I, uh, I said you’re the boyfriend. So. My whole family thinks we’re dating and we’re really serious about each other.”

Max contemplates the landscape for a while. The sky is huge and cloudless. It looks like you could float up into it, if you wanted to: bob around on a nice thermal, like some sort of raptor.

“Uh. Max?”

“I am thinking,” Max lies. In fact he’s not having any thoughts at all. He is imagining being a hawk. If he starts thinking about what Daniel said, he’s going to explode into a mass of a thousand squirming questions. Such as, Your family think you’re gay? Are they ok with it? Are they right? Have you dated guys before? What were they like? What were you like, when you were with them? Why did you lie? Why did you pick me? Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Could you tell that I wanted to kiss you always when I was younger—

“Max, listen, I’m really sorry, I know this is messed up.”

“No,” Max says, “it’s not—I have a lot of questions, that is all, but I am not… upset.”

“Ok, well, that’s good.” Daniel scrubs a hand over the back of his neck. 

“We can go to the wedding,” Max says, deciding it as he says it. “I don’t think it will be such a big deal, to pretend we are together for one day.”

Daniel lets out a wheezing sound like he’s just been punched in the stomach. “Ah—ok. Yeah. Great.”

“Of course we are good friends, so it will not be so different. Except that probably we will have to hold hands,” he adds, half-joking. 

Daniel nods, and then flicks a glance at Max and says, “Handholding, huh? Fuck, if I’d thought that far ahead I would never have suggested this.” Max punches him in the arm. They’re joking, just like normal. It’s all fine. It’s all ok.

Daniel says, “We’ll probably have to like, dance together also. It would be weird if we were at the wedding and didn’t dance.”

Max never dances at weddings. He says, “Ok, we can—I mean, I cannot dance, but I can stick my arms out and sway.” He demonstrates, there in the passenger seat of Daniel’s car, and Daniel looks at him and laughs.

“There’s one other thing,” Daniel says, and Max braces himself: what will it be this time. Max, I told everyone we adopted a child together. Max, this whole thing was a prank for my public Instagram, someone is hiding in the back seat and filming us. Max, I’m just joking, this is all a joke.

What Daniel actually says is “It’s not like, a destination wedding, but it’s a couple of hours away and uh. Because, you know, we’re a couple. Or I mean, we’re not, but like everyone thinks we are, so. We’ll have to like, share a bed or whatever.”

“Oh,” says Max, relaxing abruptly. “Daniel, that will of course be fine. I do not mind touching you.”

Daniel breaks into a coughing fit. When he’s finished he clears his throat and says, “Oh—ok. Yeah, great.”

Max turns the music back up, and looks out at the sky. It will be nice, he thinks: pretending to be Daniel’s, for a day.

[ginnsbaker]

In Losing Grip On Sinking Ships (20/23)

Chapter summary: You and Wanda go back for another couple's therapy session where Wanda reveals her abandonment issues; Afterwards, you and Wanda arrive in LA for Christmas with her family.

Chapter word count: 6.5k+ | Tags: Therapy, Healing, Comfort | Ship: Wanda x Female Reader

Author's note: Christmas part one. Can't believe there's only three more chapters and the epilogue. Enjoy!

AO3 | Masterlist 

Next part: Twenty-One

--

Twenty

As the second therapy session with Calliope gets underway, she opens with a warm smile, “Let's start with the assignment from our previous meeting. Were you both able to write and share your letters?”

You and Wanda share a quick glance before you respond with an enthusiastic, “Yeah, we did.”

You both can't help but beam, a sense of accomplishment clearly reflected in your faces.

“That's great to hear,” Calliope says warmly, her eyes crinkling at the corners. “Tell me about the experience. How did it feel to be so open with each other?”

You glance at Wanda, who gives a small nod to signal she'll take the lead. She inhales deeply, her gaze momentarily darting to you before returning to Calliope.

“It was, you know... really special. Romantic,” Wanda confesses, a soft blush creeping onto her cheeks as she feels a bit silly, like a teenager raving about a crush. Her fingers absentmindedly twirl in loops on her knees. “I mean, it wasn't a promise or anything, but being able to understand just how deeply she cares for me... it made my heart feel full, in the best way.”

Calliope's attention then shifts to you, her body language encouraging and patient as she waits for you to share your thoughts.

After a thoughtful pause, you answer, “It felt like unshackling myself. Putting all my feelings into words, it was like shedding some weight off my shoulders. And reading what Wanda wrote…” You pause, turning to look at Wanda, a gentle warmth lighting up your eyes. “It... It grounded me. Reminded me of why we are doing this, why we're trying to fix things in the middle of all this confusion... It's because we love each other.”

“I must say, I'm incredibly moved by the strides you both have made,” Calliope says. She then subtly changes her posture, turning to focus more directly on Wanda. 

“Now that we've started delving into Y/N's trust issues, it's only fair that we address your feelings too, Wanda. So, let's talk about your trust in Y/N. How are you feeling about that?” Calliope asks.

A flicker of surprise crosses your face, reflected in Wanda's as well. The room falls into a hushed pause as Wanda processes the question, her brow creased in deep thought. The possibility of Wanda having her own trust issues hadn't even crossed your mind. You've been so focused on your own sense of betrayal and the need to rebuild trust, you didn't consider that she might be struggling too. As you wait for Wanda's response, a knot tightens in your stomach, making you realize just how much her answer matters to you.

For a brief moment, Wanda looks at Calliope with a blank expression. “I... I'm not quite certain how to answer that,” she concedes, her fingers subconsciously toying with a loose thread on her sleeve. 

You find yourself hanging onto her every word. 

“Does it count that I was jealous of Yelena even before she and Y/N got together? There was an entire history between Y/N and Yelena that we never really discussed... that I was never really a part of.”

“Lack of trust can often sow seeds of insecurity, Wanda, which in turn leads to feelings of jealousy. Trust doesn't only involve a faith in someone's actions, but also in their words and their shared history.” Calliope explains, and then she turns to you. “Y/N, this is something you need to take into account. It's not only about how your actions impact Wanda's trust in you, but also how much you're willing to share and be transparent about your past and your feelings.”

You swallow dryly and nod at Calliope’s words. It's not easy, admitting this. But it's something you realize you need to say.

“Wanda, I wasn't being completely truthful with you back then,” you start, feeling the weight of the words as they leave your lips. “When I told you I didn't think it was worth mentioning… The truth is, it made me uncomfortable to talk about her.”

Wanda's brow furrows slightly, but she doesn't interrupt. You take that as a sign to continue.

“Yelena was... she was important to me. At some point, before you and I met, I thought she was the one. And when that love was ripped away from me because she moved to another country, it hurt. It hurt a lot. So when we reconnected while we were married, it was... it was complicated. Especially because you never knew about her. I didn't know how to bring it up. How to explain it to you. So I avoided it. And I realize now that was wrong. It wasn't fair to you.” you say.

Wanda studies you intently, her hands clasped tightly together as she works up the courage to voice her question. “And what...what did you feel when you saw Yelena again that time after all those years?”

You take a deep breath. This honestly thing is harder than you thought.

“When I saw Yelena again,” you begin, your voice low and steady. “It was like being transported back in time. There was this rush of old memories, some good, some painful. It was a little unsettling.”

“Did you… realize anything?” Wanda asks slowly. She doesn't spell it out, but you can read between the lines: Did you feel a spark between you two?

You don’t think you can answer that without telling Wanda something first.

“When Yelena and I broke up, our story ended on an open note. There was no closure and part of me always wondered 'what if'. But then you happened, Wanda. You walked into my life and turned it upside down in the most beautiful way.”

You take a deep breath, looking at Wanda, her wide eyes locked onto yours, filled with anticipation. “Before I asked you to marry me, I thought about Yelena. I wondered what it meant to still have an open chapter with her. But in that moment, I knew with absolute certainty, you were the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”

Wanda visibly relaxes at this, which makes you regret the next words to come out of your mouth. 

“But when I found out what really happened, it just floored me,” you say. “Our trust was broken, our marriage ended, and I was left feeling totally confused and hurt. I had to question everything we ever had together.”

Your voice drops to a softer tone, “After our divorce, my history with Yelena seemed like something unfinished that I needed to explore. I was just trying to make sense of everything, looking for a way to move on. I let myself think about 'what if' with her, and even gave a relationship with Yelena a chance. But we both know how that turned out, don't we?”

You give a small shake of your head, smiling sadly, “But to directly answer your question: No, it didn't spark any old romantic feelings when I ran into her in Soho. I didn't feel the same butterflies that I felt when I fell in love with her back then, or the ones I felt when I fell for you. And I realized recently that what we had for the second time around was more about seeking a familiar comfort, a way for me to move from you.”

Wanda nods as she takes everything in. It suddenly feels like a funeral setting, mourning a series of losses.

“I think I’m just realizing now more clearly, the magnitude of what I’ve done,” Wanda begins. Her gaze is steady, albeit heavy with a kind of self-awareness that only comes after a period of reflection and growth. “When I messed up, it wasn't just about you and me. It hurt people we care about. The fallout wasn't contained to just us, it spread to almost everyone we really care about.”

Wanda inhales a deep, shuddering breath, visibly collecting herself. “I can't erase what I did. I can't change the past. But I can learn from it. That huge mistake I made... it's a part of me now. I have to live with it, not as a source of shame, but as a constant reminder of where I went wrong.”

Calliope listens, her expression softening with understanding as Wanda speaks. When Wanda finishes, she nods, thoughtful.

After a brief pause to let her words sink in, Calliope segues into the next subject. “Is there anything else that has strained your trust in Y/N, or have we covered everything?” 

Wanda, after a thoughtful silence, finally murmurs, “There's something else…”

You turn to your ex-wife, surprised by her admission. You brace yourself for whatever comes next, even though a nagging feeling at the back of your mind tells you that you're about to be blindsided once again by something in your relationship with Wanda.

Wanda bites the inside of her cheek thoughtfully. Her voice is a bit shaky as she starts, “I... I'm afraid that one day you'll just... leave. Without a word, without a trace. Just like my mother did to me and my brother when we were young.”

She looks directly at you, vulnerability written all over her face. You can see the fear that grips her in those beautiful eyes, a fear that you've unknowingly contributed to.

“That night, when I asked you to stay... when I overdosed... it was that fear. That feeling of abandonment, it just... it just became too much,” she whispers, her voice trailing off.

You’re stunned into silence at the enormity of her confession. You had no idea that she carried such deep-rooted fears. It makes you view your actions and decisions in a new light. You may have unknowingly triggered her worst fear, exacerbating the pain she felt from your separation.

You reach across the couch to take her hand in yours, giving it a reassuring squeeze. 

“I... I didn't realize that night what I was doing to you,” you say, looking down at your hands, now entwined. “I should've stayed. Maybe then things would've been different. If I'd understood...” Your voice trails off, choked with regret.

Wanda’s overdose, her hospitalization, it really was your fault. “Y/N,” Calliope's gentle voice cuts through your self-recrimination, “I see that you're blaming yourself, but it's crucial to recognize that we are all responsible for our own actions. Wanda's overdose was her response to the pain, a decision driven by her emotional state at the time. While you did play a role in her life, you didn't dictate her choices. There were other ways for her to cope, other people she could have reached out to. The path she took, as desperate as it may have been, was her decision. Our challenge now is to understand why she felt that was her only option, rather than assigning blame.”

Action and reaction. You understand that these are the things you can control if they are your own, but that doesn't negate the fact that other factors can influence them. Calliope's words don't quite alleviate the guilt threatening to engulf you.

“Y/N, would you care to share your intentions that night when you left Wanda? Did you plan to sever all communication with her?” Calliope gently prods.

“Calliope, can we–” Wanda begins, her voice breaking as if the words are lodged in her throat. “Can we not talk about this anymore?”

“No, Wanda, it’s okay,” you say softly. Your eyes lock with Wanda's, holding her gaze as if trying to communicate a silent promise. You then turn to Calliope, drawing a deep breath.

“I... I don't know," you admit, your voice low. “I was so hurt and angry... I couldn't think straight. But I never intended to... to abandon her like that. I just... I needed some space. I needed time to process everything that happened. And I thought she needed it too.”

Wanda cuts in to support your statement, “We were hurting each other... every day, every moment. It was as if we were stuck in a loop of anger, pain, and... meaningless sex. That week... it was like we were poisoning each other.” 

Wanda's voice softens, reaching out to you with a heartfelt plea, “I understand now why you had to leave then. But this time, if we're trying... if we're really committed to this, can I count on you to communicate with me if you ever feel like you need space?”

As Calliope turns to you for an answer, you feel an immediate sense of calmness washing over you. 

“Of course, Wanda,” you assure her with a small smile.

With a satisfied nod, Calliope wraps up the joint part of your therapy session, “That's a good place to pause for now.” She looks over at both of you, a proud smile on her face.

She then turns to you specifically, “Y/N, would you still be okay to proceed with your individual session after a short 30-minute break?”

You nod quickly. You want nothing more than to proceed and talk to Calliope about some things that have made it difficult for you to sleep in recent days.

“Alright, then. I'll see you shortly,” Calliope remarks, retreating to her desk, her pen already dancing across her notebook.

You and Wanda rise from your seats, and she mentions that she needs to rush back to the cafe to work on potential recipes for the “Cup-off”. You've only heard about this competition in passing one evening, but you nod supportively, thankful for her patience and engagement throughout these therapy sessions. She rewards you with a kiss on the cheek, and a promise to call you later.

“Okay, Y/N, let's begin,” Calliope starts, taking a deep and grounding breath. You find yourself silently admiring her resilience and strength. Her job seems like more of an emotional balancing act than you initially thought, bearing witness to all sorts of personal burdens day in and day out. Yet here she is, prepared to cross another emotional minefield. You briefly wonder if it ever gets to her–the burden of other people's problems.

“So, Y/N, how are you doing right now?”

You chuckle lightly, shaking your head as you settle back into the same spot you occupied just thirty minutes ago. “You were in the room with us,” you say with a wry smile. “You know how it went.”

Calliope grins slightly, responding patiently, “Yes, I was there. But a lot can shift in thirty minutes. It's fascinating, isn't it? The fluidity of human emotions. They can change, sometimes so rapidly.”

You smile good-naturedly, feeling the warmth from the coffee cup still lingering in your hands. Glancing out onto the balcony of the reception area had given you a moment to breathe, to reflect.

“Actually, I'm doing alright,” you tell Calliope, your voice steadier than before. “The quick break helped me calm down. I was upset, I won't lie, after hearing about the impact of my leaving on Wanda. And the thought of almost losing her without even realizing it... I would never be able to forgive myself if something had happened to her.”

“It won't be easy, but you need to forgive yourself. Wanda has,” Calliope says.

You take a deep breath, trying to absorb her words. It's one thing to hear Wanda say she forgives you, but to actually forgive yourself? That's a more complicated matter.

“Thank you, Calliope. I'll try.” You pause, collecting your thoughts, before adding, “There is actually something else on my mind.”

“What is it, Y/N?”

“Natasha,” you say, the name echoing in the room, fraught with significance. “She's my best friend. Well, was, I guess. And she's Yelena's sister.”

A brief understanding flashes across Calliope's face. “Ah,” she murmurs, leaning back in her chair. “That's a complex dynamic.”

“To say the least,” you reply, a hollow laugh escaping your lips. “I messed up with Yelena, right? I...I kissed Wanda while we were still together. And after Yelena broke up with me, Natasha and I had a big fight. She's refused to talk to me since. So, I’m just gonna go straight to it and ask you: How do I fix it?”

Calliope studies you for a moment, her gaze steady. “Y/N,” she begins, leaning further back in her chair, “A common misconception about therapy is that therapists are the 'fixers', that we hold all the answers to people's problems. But the truth is, we're here just to guide, to help you look at situations in a healthier way.”

You find yourself nodding, even though a part of you yearns for a simple solution.

Calliope pauses, letting you digest her words. “As for your situation with Natasha, you must understand that your control is limited. You cannot control her reactions or feelings. What you can control are your actions and intentions.”

She sees the understanding dawning in your eyes. “Your desire to fix the situation is natural, especially when you've caused hurt. But apologies can't be rushed, and forgiveness can't be demanded. However, there are steps you can take to start the process of healing.”

It's not an immediate solution, but it's a direction to follow. “I see,” you mutter, feeling a glimmer of hope. “Can you share with me what these steps are?”

Calliope smiles at your willingness to learn the process. “First, acknowledge what you've done wrong. In your case, it seems like you've done that. You've recognized that your actions with Wanda while being with Yelena caused you to hurt Natasha,” she starts.

“Second, reflect. Why did you do it? From what I’ve gathered, it’s because of your intense feelings for Wanda, which you have acknowledged in our previous sessions. Next, and most critically, how can you prevent such actions in the future?” she continues.

“Third, make the apology, but make sure it's sincere. People can tell when you're not genuinely sorry. Don't just say it to make yourself feel better, but rather to acknowledge the hurt you've caused," she advises, her gaze fixed on yours, driving home the importance of the words.

“I tried when I could,” you respond, frustration seeping into your voice. “But now, I don't even know how or when I could get another chance to…”

“Well, you’ve done your part, Y/N. Maybe you were sincere, but it wasn’t the right time for her yet. Maybe she wasn’t ready to hear it.” Calliope says.

You rub your face, feeling the weariness creeping in. “I just... I hope she knows how deeply sorry I am.”

“She will, Y/N, in her own time. Which brings us to the last advice I can give you,” Calliope says. “Give them time and space. It's crucial to understand that they may need time to process your apology and decide how they feel about it. They may not forgive you immediately, or even at all. That's something you'll have to accept.”

That's something you'll have to accept.

You went to kindergarten with Natasha. You shared birthdays together and even a funeral. 

If Natasha never forgives you, then you permanently lose a piece of your life.

A piece of yourself.

***

The persistent drone of the plane engines always unsettled you, making you hesitant about leaving the familiarity of solid ground. This feeling has you rooted in one city, avoiding globe-trotting adventures or cross-country escapades.

But when Wanda asked you to go with her to Los Angeles to celebrate Christmas with her family, you couldn't say no. The way her eyes lit up when she asked you was irresistible, and with your mom planning to spend the holidays with her friends in Europe, you faced the prospect of being alone in Manhattan. Despite your discomfort with planes, you decided to put your fears aside and join her on the trip. 

Wanda, otherwise the perfect companion, is now constantly on her phone, taking calls every five minutes, and when she's not on a call, she's texting. You overhear snippets about delayed orders and maintenance contracts, so it's probably her suppliers, but the incessant buzzing and clicking of her phone still gnaws at your attention.

Who are they, these people reaching out to her? Even if it's just business, what are all these conversations about? Wanda happens to be a very attractive woman, and people aren't blind to it. 

She takes wind of your unease eventually, her hand reaching over to squeeze yours, a reassuring smile on her face. “It's just the suppliers and the maintenance people for the shop,” she explains, but the phone still rests in her other hand, a barrier that you can't quite overcome.

Before you can respond, the pilot's voice echoes through the cabin, signaling take-off, you instinctively brace yourself, your knuckles whitening as you clutch the armrests tightly. Noticing your visible discomfort, Wanda gently peels your rigid fingers away from the armrest and threads them through hers. A soft gasp escapes her as your grip tightens around her fingers instinctively, harder than you mean to. Sparky, comfortably nestled in Wanda's lap, looks considerably more at ease than you.

“Sorry,” you mumble, eyes squeezed shut as you brace for the sensation of the accelerating plane.

“It's okay, love,” Wanda reassures you. Her thumb traces comforting circles over the back of your hand, and you cling to the calming rhythm.

The plane picks up speed, the familiar pressure building in your chest. You suck in a quick breath, your free hand gripping the armrest on your other side.

Suddenly, Sparky lifts his head from Wanda's lap and turns to you, his furry face full of concern. His soft whimpering and puppy eyes manage to pull a small smile from you. Somehow, his innocent worry makes the tension ebb away slightly.

With one last reassuring squeeze of your hand, Wanda whispers, “We're about to lift off. Just remember to breathe.”

As the plane ascends, your heart flutters in response to the shift in gravity. The world outside the window begins to shrink, the vast expanse of the city transforming into a model town. You keep your eyes shut, focusing on the steady rhythm of Wanda's thumb on your hand. If you’re going to die from a plane crash today, you find comfort in having Wanda’s assurances against your ear as the last sound you’ll ever hear. 

“See, we're okay,” Wanda says after a moment, a note of triumph in her voice.

You open your eyes slowly, the cabin steady around you. As you look out of the window, the sight of the sprawling city below is enough to take your breath away. 

“Do I get a reward for doing a great job?” you ask with a smirk.

A playful grin takes over her features as she leans in, pressing a light kiss to your lips. She then whispers in your ear, her voice low and sweet, “You’ll get the rest of your reward tonight, baby.”

The sound of her voice makes you tingle in all the right (wrong) places and it effectively distracts you enough from your fear of flying, allowing for some much-needed conversation.

“How’s the cup competition coming along?”

“Cup-off,” Wanda corrects you with a chuckle, her chin coming to rest on your shoulder, her breath fanning against your neck as she speaks. “It’s been fun coming up with different flavors, but I don’t know…” she trails off. “But, let's face it. I'm just a home cook who loves her espresso machine, not a seasoned barista. I'll be up against real coffee connoisseurs who've been perfecting their brews for years.”

“And that's what makes it so interesting, don't you think?” You turn your head slightly to meet her eyes. “You bring something different to the table, Wanda. You have a passion and creativity that they might not have.”

She gives you a thoughtful look, clearly mulling over your words. Her lips curve into a small, appreciative smile, and she snuggles closer to you. “You always know how to make me feel better,” she murmurs, her voice dropping an octave, and you know she's doing it on purpose, trying to rile you up. But there's just plenty of things on your mind right now, and her phone buzzing with notifications again isn't helping. 

“It's easy when it's the truth,” you say, stirring the topic back to coffee. “But how about you approach it from a different angle?”

“What do you mean?” Wanda asks, tilting her head and looking at you with apt interest.

“Instead of flavors, return to the basics. Use single origin coffee for your brew and make sure to source only the best stuff. I don’t know. Maybe I’m not making sense. But… sometimes people just really appreciate quality ingredients, you know?”

Wanda's eyes widen, and you notice a spark of excitement in her expression. She leans closer, her attention fully on you, the phone momentarily forgotten. “You may be onto something,” she says slowly.

“Really?” Your eyebrows shoot up, surprised and delighted at her interest.

“Really,” Wanda's expression turns thoughtful, her gaze fixated on some distant point as she mulls over your idea some more. “In fact, that's actually a great idea, Y/N. It emphasizes the true essence of coffee, rather than masking it with a variety of flavors. It's raw, it's honest, and it's authentic... Just like you.”

Feeling a rush of warmth, you give her a teasing nudge. "Are you comparing me to a coffee now?"

She chuckles, her eyes sparkling with amusement. “Maybe I am,” she says playfully, tightening her hold on your hand.

You roll your eyes, but your heart flutters at her words, and you find yourself leaning into her touch. 

The idea of coming to LA with her just keeps getting better and better.

***

The flight to California feels endless, the hours stretching on. But the moment the plane touches down and the doors open, Wanda's face transforms with anticipation. As soon as she steps into the arrival lounge, her eyes lock onto a familiar figure. Her brother, standing a little taller than her but with the same striking features, waves energetically in her direction.

Without hesitation, Wanda breaks into a light run, her face lighting up with pure, unadulterated joy.  She launches herself into his embrace. Their arms wrap around each other, the distance and time apart melting away. “Piet,” she murmurs into his shoulder, her voice thick with emotion.

He ruffles her hair, his grin matching hers. "Been too long, little sis," he teases, before turning his attention to you. 

“And Y/N,” Pietro greets you, his eyes scanning your face for a moment before he extends his hand. The handshake is civil, firm but noticeably cool. His polite smile doesn't quite reach his eyes, and in that brief contact, you feel a lingering tension that serves as a reminder that not all is forgotten.

You grab Pietro's hand, giving it a quick shake. “Pietro.” 

He quickly shifts his focus back to Wanda, bombarding her with questions you can't keep up with. As Wanda and Pietro chat and laugh, you feel a bit left out.

Pietro's cool demeanor makes it clear he knows about the issues between you and Wanda. You can't help but feel like you're on the outside looking in. Tugging on Sparky's leash and pulling your suitcase, you trail behind them, feeling like you're not really part of this little family reunion. 

With Sparky trotting faithfully at your side, you traverse the bustling airport, lagging slightly behind Wanda and Pietro. Suddenly, Wanda seems to realize that you've fallen behind. She slows her pace and glances back at you with a soft smile. “Sorry,” she says, a slight flush to her cheeks as if she's only just remembered you're there too. “Got caught up with all the catching up.”

You offer her a small, understanding smile, grateful for the effort she's making to include you. “It's okay,” you reassure her. “It's been a while since you two last saw each other. Catch up all you want.”

Her smile widens at your words, and she squeezes your hand lightly in appreciation. The simple action is enough to wash away your earlier discomfort, reminding you that even if the situation isn't perfect, you're here for Wanda. 

And that's all that matters.

To call Pietro's home in Sherman Oaks 'big' feels almost like an understatement. It's a sprawling, two-story house, complete with a wide, beautifully maintained front lawn and a driveway big enough to accommodate several cars. The house itself, painted in a warm, welcoming shade of beige, feels incredibly homely despite its size. The large windows and well-manicured garden make it clear that whoever lives here puts a lot of effort into maintaining it. For a brief moment, you feel a pang of intimidation; this is a far cry from the apartments and small houses back in New York. 

Wanda's eyes widen in astonishment as they scan the surroundings. It seems she's just as impressed as you are. You lean towards her, whispering so that only she can hear, “Does Pietro really rake in that much cash?”

She gives you a sidelong glance, her eyes sparkling with amusement before shrugging her shoulders lightly. “I think it's his wife,” she responds in the same hushed tone.

“He got married again?” you ask, remembering the last time you heard about Pietro's personal life, he was going through a messy divorce.

Wanda nods, a small smile playing on her lips. “Yeah, he did. And from what I can tell, I think it's really for keeps this time.”

Before you can comment further, a woman appears in the doorway. She's pregnant, very much so, at about six months based on her huge, round belly. 

“Welcome to my humble abode,” she exclaims, approaching Wanda with open arms. Wanda rolls her eyes, clearly finding the grandiosity of the mansion anything but modest. She kisses each of Wanda's cheeks, and her warm smile is genuine and infectious.

However, as you watch her, you can't help but gasp softly. You recognize her. Your mind instantly takes you back to the day of your job interview at Stark Industries, and it was her–Shannon–who interviewed you.

You're so shell-shocked by the sudden realization that you just stand there, momentarily frozen.

Wanda nudges you gently, a knowing look in her eyes. “You recognize Shannon, don't you?” she asks, not bothering to lower her voice. 

Shannon turns to you and her smile widens, “I see you remember our meeting.”

You manage to stammer out a surprised, “Yes,” while trying to regain your composure. 

Wanda seems to sense your anxiety. She wraps an arm around you, pulling you close. “I knew about the interview. Shannon told me,” she confesses, her voice just a whisper in your ear. “She was the one who gave me your new address.”

“She did what?”

“I think she did it to amuse herself because I was–I wasn’t clearly getting over you and she sort of nudged me in your direction. But I didn’t contact you until a month later, when Sparky had to be taken to the vet.”

“But my getting hired–that had nothing to do with you, right?”

“Absolutely not,” Wanda assures you, quickly dispelling your worry. “She only mentioned it to me over a month after we... after we had cut off communication. She did mention talking to Scott before hiring you.”

The mention of Scott's name brings a genuine smile to your face, tugging at the corner of your lips. You make a mental note to call him on Christmas Day.

“Why am I here hunting for a tree again?” Wanda grumbles, glancing back at the shrinking figure of you through Pietro's pickup truck window.

“Because you love me?” Pietro shoots back with a shrug.

“And Y/N, she'll be okay back there, right?”

“Y/N this, Y/N that,” Pietro mimics, feigning exasperation. “She’ll be fine.”

“You say that as if Shannon’s the loveliest host.”

“Well, she's been a lot nicer since she got pregnant.”

With a small sigh, Wanda leans back in her seat. The earlier excitement of seeing her brother at the airport is starting to fade. Now, without you or Sparky around, she feels a bit uneasy being alone with Pietro.

“I can hear the gears turning in your head, sis. What’s up?”

Wanda takes a steadying breath, searching for the right words. “It's Y/N,” she begins. “Piet, I'm... I'm nervous. With Y/N here, with everything that happened, I don't know how…” She trails off, biting her lower lip.

Pietro is quiet for a moment. “And mom?” he prompts gently.

Wanda nods, her eyes distant. “And mom,” she echoes. “I wrote back to her, you know?”

Pietro raises his eyebrows in surprise. "You did?" 

Wanda had always been more hesitant to reopen old wounds, especially when it came to their mother.

Wanda nods. “I did. I... I wrote about Dad. About how much it hurt when she left. I told her that I understand we don't really have a relationship right now, but... I want to try. I want to start fixing things.”

Pietro doesn't respond immediately. He keeps his eyes on the road, but the grip on his steering wheel tightens just a bit. When he finally speaks, his tone is softer than usual. “And what did she say?”

“I only sent it recently, just before we left for this trip,” Wanda admits. “I'm not sure whether she's received it yet or if she wrote me back.”

“So, does that mean you've forgiven her?” Pietro asks.

“I can't say for sure,” Wanda confesses. “But I'm hoping to, as I get to know this new version of her–the one you seem to have bonded with so well.”

“Wanda, she's really changed,” Pietro insists. “I've been telling you this.”

“I know, I know,” Wanda says, sounding a bit apologetic. “I'm sorry it's taken me this long to pay attention.”

“Hey, no worries,” Pietro says, giving her a gentle look. “You know what they say, right? Everything happens in its own time.”

After a beat, Pietro asks, “How are you and Y/N?”

“We're doing well, actually,” Wanda says, surprise softening her voice as if she's just realizing it herself. “Y/N has been... different. More open. More like the person I fell in love with. We're communicating more, which helps.”

“That's great to hear, Wanda. Really.”

“But,” she adds, her voice dropping to a murmur, “I still feel like there's a part of Y/N holding back. Like she’s still not fully trusting me... and I get it. I just... I hope that with time, that changes.”

Pietro smiles at her, nodding, then returns his attention to the road. 

“And you and Shannon?” Wanda asks after it gets too quiet again. “How are things going?”

A shadow passes over Pietro's features, and he takes a deep breath before answering. “Actually... something happened. It's not bad, per se. But…”

“What did you do, Piet?” Wanda asks, her brows already pulled together into a frown.

“Why do you automatically assume it was me who did something?” Pietro retorts with a hint of amusement.

“Didn't you?”

Pietro hesitates for a moment before finally relenting, “...Yeah, I did.”

“So?”

“Well, about a week ago, I went out to a bar with a few friends from my old college football team, and I–”

“Tell me you did not cheat again on your pregnant wife!” Wanda exclaims, her voice rife with disbelief and anger.

With her sudden outburst, Pietro slams on the brakes, the vehicle screeching to a halt in the middle of the road. His arm aches sharply from the force of Wanda's indignant punch.

“Ow! Hey, stop,” Pietro shields himself from Wanda’s onslaught. “Jesus, Wands, I didn’t cheat on her, okay?”

Hearing this, Wanda pulls back, sinking back into her seat with a wary look on her face. She waits for him to explain further. He starts steering the car back into the highway again. 

“I was just…” Pietro grapples for the right words, his expression troubled. “The therapy sessions with Dr. Williams... they've been beneficial, right? I mean, they've definitely helped you. And Shannon says they're making a difference for me too, but I…”

“But you still doubt yourself,” Wanda finishes his sentence, her voice laced with understanding.

Pietro affirms her statement with a heavy nod. “So that night, I thought I'd try a little experiment–see if I've really made as much progress as everyone says. I struck up a conversation with a woman at the bar, and before I knew it, we were flirting. It was like slipping back into an old rhythm–and it didn't matter to her that I was a married man.” 

A bitter edge creeps into his voice as he pauses, gazing absently at the road ahead. “Then I offered to drive her home...that's usually when things take a turn, isn't it?”

Wanda recoils slightly, her nose scrunching up in distaste. The direction this story is taking leaves a sour taste in her mouth. She's uncomfortable, disturbed even, by the idea of Pietro willingly steering himself towards temptation like that. It feels too real, too human–a crisp reminder that making progress doesn't mean you're immune to setbacks.

“Right as she put her hand on my lap,” Pietro recounts, his throat tightening slightly as he swallows. “I understood that time spent in therapy doesn't just automatically make you a better person. It's the choices you make, every single day. Loving someone, being true to them...it's a conscious effort, day in and day out. You have to continuously choose them, especially when the sailing's smooth.”

Wanda absorbs his words, feeling the truth in them echo within her. She doesn't entertain any illusions about the two of you riding off blissfully into the sunset without a care in the world. Reality is far from that. Both you and her would always have to remain vigilant. Complacency, she knows, can be her worst enemy.

Wanda waits with bated breath. “What happened next?” she whispers.

He turns his gaze back to the road. “I moved her hand away from my lap and took her home, just like I said I would. Nothing more.”

“And did you tell Shannon about this?” Wanda asks, her voice steady, almost clinical.

Pietro’s grip on the steering wheel tightens. “Yeah, I did. The morning after. I didn’t want to keep it from her.”

Wanda's heart aches for her brother. Maybe he's truly attempting to become a better person, even if his methods are foolish at times. 

“And how did she react?”

Pietro shrugs, attempting to mask his apprehension with a nonchalant demeanor. “She was... understandably upset. But she appreciated the honesty, I think. We're still working through it.”

Wanda silently reflects on his words. She can't imagine herself taking such a risk, not after everything that's happened. It isn't about doubting her own commitment or strength of character, but she feels it's a mark of respect to you not to willingly tread near the edge of temptation.

With a soft sigh, she turns her attention to the road ahead as they pull into the Christmas tree farm. The task of picking out a tree seems almost trivial in comparison to what they had just discussed, yet it also feels grounding—a joyful tradition amidst the complexities of life. For now, they have a Christmas tree to pick out.

Taglist: @canvascoloredin | @justgotlizzied , @casquinhaa | @marvelwomen-simp | @sunsol-22 | @wandanatlov3r | @kyaraderuwez | @justyourwritter69 | @stanolsevans | @aliherreraaa | @diaryoflife| @justagurlwholikes | @lizziesplant | @cowxpoke | @sokovianbaby| @swiftie1-0-1 | @scarlettbitchx | @tercerspirit-22

[westwingwolf]

Why the Chenford Break Up Era Needs to Come to a Close Sooner Rather than Later on The Rookie...

I've expressed my opinion on the Chenford break over several long posts in the Chenford Discord. I'm sure I've annoyed them plenty with my thoughts, but I needed a place to vent so thank you for being patient with me and letting me rant. I swear I am trying to do better, but maybe getting all of my thoughts out in once place will finally calm the beast inside me enough to hold back any further ranting. This post will focus on what should come next after the break up, and not my opinions on whether the break up should have happened at all. It's over. It's done. We're here now, and I have to accept that so I can move on to enjoy what comes next.

Anyways, I thought I would collect all my thoughts here for those of you who are not in the discord. Whether you agree or disagree with me, that's fine. I'm making this public so I know I am opening myself up to disagreements. Just know I'm likely to respond if I can, and I'm less likely to give up discussing my opinion until long after it is necessary. So fair warning, everyone should proceed with caution.

On the highly unlikely chance that someone involved with the show sees this and it makes them think about what stories the show wants to tell, then feel free to share.

I foresee this getting long as the introduction is already this long, so proceed behind the cut if you dare... (Spoiler alert: it is very long.)

First off in most typical break up storylines on television (Because keep in mind I am strictly talking about how these storylines are portrayed in fiction for maximum dramatic effect. Real life is a totally different thing.) , there are certain elements that play out in a break up that is always meant to be temporary. And make no mistake, I do believe this break up is temporary. I refuse to believe otherwise. It's just a matter of how temporary will it be. I must also commend the writers for hitting these elements in a quicker fashion than I expected. (Whether that turns out to be a good thing or not depends on what comes next, but for now I like it.)

Avoiding each other and thereby avoiding fixing the issues that caused the break up. This element is the biggest key in determining how long the break up can last. The longer the characters avoid talking to each other, the longer the break up can go on without being resolved. As we saw in 607 Crushed, Tim didn't want to talk about it while Lucy did. This set the stage for avoiding the issue. This could have gone on longer with Tim digging his heals in to avoid addressing the issue by first refusing to admit to it, but Tim actually did the adult thing and sought out help. Because he had been thinking about needing help all day and because Lucy gave him that final push to get it when he still wanted to avoid talking to her about their issues. That dramatically cuts into the waiting time of couples getting to the point where they can talk about their problems.

Pining for each other. I will admit I thought 608 and 609 were going to be episodes where Tim and Lucy avoided each other entirely to prolong more of this break up by not having them interact at all, but I was pleasantly surprised and glad to be proven wrong. They had their nice pining and awkward moment in Grey's office in 608 Punch Card. Tim spends time thinking about Lucy and being reminded of her birthday. That leads to the very sweet Kojo Birthday Card moment which leads to an even bigger moment of pining for each other in the hall.

Putting aside the relationship problems to help each other and be vulnerable with each other. In 609 The Squeeze even though Lucy is still hurt by the break up, she knows Tim is going through a lot, and so she does what she can to comfort him. Thereby showing that Lucy is still the one who brings out the most vulnerable side of Tim. He put on brave face for Grey and Angela and everyone else, but that moment of melting into Lucy's arms and answering that he is okay now that she's holding him showed just how much he was trying to hold it all in. And he immediately goes back to his brave front once the elevator doors open. Tim has always been his most vulnerable with Lucy and that doesn't change whether they are together or not. Like the Kojo Birthday Card moment, this shows that they still care about one another and they don't let anger from/resentment of/shame about the break up stop them from showing that they care.

Working together in spite of the break up. I was surprised by how quickly they had them working together after their break up. I knew thanks to spoilers that they would have scenes together in 610 Escape Plan, but I expected group scenes. I didn't expect the car scene. Talking about Tim's therapy. Joking about their sex life. They seemed more at ease together after a break up than I thought they would be. Which makes it hard to believe they can go back to any of the major awkwardness from before. A scene like where they can barely speak to each other in Grey's office coming after this kind of moment won't make much sense. Therefore they have to be out of the awkward post break up phase. Again something that significantly cuts down the timeline in delaying getting back together.

Having the talk about their issues or at least getting close to the talk. Now, Tim and Lucy haven't had the full discussion about the breakdown of their relationship and all of Tim's issues. But they are closer to having it 610 then they were back in 607. With Tim going to therapy, with the sense that he wants to continue therapy despite having a psychotic blackmailing therapist, and with the apology he gave Lucy in the elevator along with his promise to repay her kindness in whatever small doses she'll allow; all of that indicates that he is finally in a place to have the necessary discussion about why they broke up. And Lucy wanted to have this talk back in 607 so there no longer seems to be a reason to delay it.

So now with all the steps that The Rookie has already shown through the Chenford break up, it's time to think about what comes next. Typically once the characters finally have the talk about why they broke up, they tend to talk about if they can get back together. We know the show is going to have do a little bit of time jump. A couple of weeks at most. If they want the audience to see this discussion, they'll have to come up with a reason for why they delayed it instead having it almost immediately when the door was open for them to have it at least the next day after that elevation conversation. Which I will allow if only because I really want to see it. If you remember when Wopez broke up in season one; they indicated they needed to talk about their relationship, then the talk they had was off screen and the next time we saw them they were back together. Great for them, but after the emphasis on how important is is that Chenford needs to talk to each other about why Tim broke up with Lucy, I want to see it. So I'm willing to go along with Lucy needed a couple of weeks to wrap her head around the idea and gather her thoughts to confront Tim.

What I will not understand is if Lucy or Tim decide to delay this talk for a long period of time. Lucy wanted to have the talk from the beginning. Tim wasn't ready but there is clear indication that his ready now. In order for Lucy to have agency in this situation and regain the balance that she lost when Tim unilaterally decided to break them up, I do think Lucy needs to be the one to say she wants to talk about their relationship. I don't want it to be like Tim saying "I'm ready to talk about our relationship" and Lucy to respond with "Oh, now you're ready?!" Because she would have a right to be mad. And if Tim is being true about letting Lucy take the lead by accepting his proving how much he appreciates her in however she will allow, then he has to wait for her to make that decision. I can't see Lucy delaying for whatever reason for too long. Even if she is still hurt by his actions, her curiosity about the cause of the break up is too much for her to let it go indefinitely. Think about how she was in 607 where she was desperate to know why. Think about her behavior after Emmett broke up with her, and this is Tim. She cares about Tim way more than she ever cared about Emmett. If nothing else, that need to know why is strong in her.

Having the discussion about the break up has a huge impact on whether or not the break up storyline can continued to be prolonged or not. As long as they avoid having the discussion, the longer they can delay the characters getting back together. But Chenford has already reached the logical point where they should have the discussion. As I've shown above it doesn't make sense for Tim or Lucy to want to delay it, so it cannot work for character reasons. It also doesn't make much sense for storyline reasons because they've already done everything else they can possibly do during a typical break up storyline as I explained above. This is literally the last step. Any delay would strictly be done to drive the viewers crazy, and when your writing becomes so obvious as to manipulate an emotional response from the audience it veers into bad writing territory. Always try to keep the writing more subtle so that it works for a character or a storyline, and not so you can see the pipe laid out easily for the viewer.

Now that I've explained why they have to have the discussion right away, I will talk about how I think it should be handled and what I would like to happen because of it. And when I say right away, I mean season 7 premiere. I'll give them until 702 if they have a lot going on action wise, but no more wasting time after that.

As I said, I want Lucy to have agency. That means she decides when they have this discussion. That also means giving her a lot more control in what happens because of the discussion. I understand her heart is broken. Her trust in Tim is broken. However, I do not believe the answer in fixing any of that is by her deciding not to give Tim another chance right away. Her agency isn't going to be affected by her deciding to stay broken up with Tim. She doesn't somehow get more power or power back because she decides they can't be together right now. I also don't see Lucy punishing herself or Tim because she is hurt and angry. That's Tim behavior, not Lucy behavior. If she loves him, if she wants to be with him, then she will want to fight for them. Also she has a psychology background, is she really going to let Tim suffer because he was going through an identity crisis? Is that at all true the nature of one of the most empathetic characters on the show? Lucy's agency comes in guiding the story and taking control. If anything delaying getting back together, only keeps her level of agency in the relationship/break up at where it was before. If she chooses not to get back together with Tim now, then what will drive her to make that choice later? Something he does to change her mind? Some unknown time when she suddenly feels "ready"? Neither of those options show me she has control. True agency in her relationship is her saying "I want to be with you, but things in our relationship have to change for the better, and this is how I want to make those changes happen."

Which leads to the what I hope comes next. I want to see Tim and Lucy actually working on their relationship. I don't want them going the route of "Everything is better now that we had that break up and got back together so we never have to discuss the problems that led to our break up again." Like what was essentially done to Wopez. Or how every now and then Nolan kind of snarkily brings back up the fact that Bailey hid the truth about Jason from him, and when he does she looks like she wants to beat him over the head with a bat. Actually working on fixing the relationship is more interesting a storyline that prolonging a break up as long as possible only to pretend like everything is okay afterwards because getting back together somehow miraculously solved all their problems. The writers and actors told us the importance of this storyline was to show them as a real couple with real problems. Well, a real couple that wants to be together is going to work on their problems if they have any hope of staying together so show me Chenford working on their problems.

One way to show me Chenford working on their problems is through couple's therapy. I think watching Tim and Lucy in couple's therapy would be funny, heartwarming, and dramatically tension filled with angst when necessary. And there doesn't have to be a lot of sessions. At least not a lot shown. Alexi mentioned not wanting to do the static, almost repetitive nature of Tim in therapy even though theoretically he does want to show ways that Tim has continued therapy. So really all that is needed is one episode of Tim and Lucy in therapy. Bookend the scenes of the episode with the first meeting is them being funny and awkward about it. And the final scene has the more raw and emotional moments that are tough to watch but get them understanding each other better. Then the rest of the episodes all they have to do is talk about what they learned or discussed in therapy or trying some exorcises to improve communication and intimacy.

No matter what Tim and Lucy do to fix their relationship, one thing that is absolutely necessary is to show Tim's growth. He started showing this in the elevator scene in 610 by willingly be more emotionally vulnerable with Lucy. It's never been about that Tim can't be emotionally vulnerable with her. He's more vulnerable with her than anyone. It's about Tim willing to put himself out there without Lucy having to ask or work to pull his feelings out of him. He pushes his feelings down so much that he doesn't ask for help when he needs. He needs to learn to ask for help. And he needs to learn to accept that help when it is offered. I would like to see Tim have another personal crisis, but this time instead of hiding and ghosting Lucy, he tells her about it immediately. She doesn't even have to ask or notice that something is off about him, he just tells her that he has problem and he wants her help in whatever way she can help him. That shows that Tim has grown and that he trusts Lucy to allow her to see the messy parts of himself. We know Lucy has seen plenty of the messy side of Tim and still loves him, but there is a part of Tim who is still afraid Lucy will walk away if he causes too much trouble. That's part of the reason he broke up with her. As much as he wanted to protect her, he also wanted to protect himself by not having her walking away from him. In his mind he lost Isabel because he didn't do enough and she said that living up to his standards was too much for her. He lost Rachel because he couldn't move for her job, and she couldn't give up that opportunity either. He lost Ashley because he couldn't give up being a cop, and she couldn't deal with that kind of life for him. Time and again has shown him that he isn't enough for people all the way back to probably feeling like is some kind of disappoint to his dad. And anyone who stays with him is going to be dragged down by him. The sad irony in that Lucy feels the same way in how her parents treat her. Lucy is the person who can understand Tim the most and love him for all of it. So an opportunity for Tim to willingly put himself out there for Lucy would be a great turning point in their relationship to show it has changed for the better.

Now you are thinking, well once everything is fine between Tim and Lucy isn't that going to make things boring again and put us right back to where we were before? I would argue that things were never boring, but if you are asking if it is not better to prolong the break up so that at least Tim and Lucy have a storyline filled with tension rather than things going back to being good between them again, I say no for these reasons:

Because the working through their problems storyline is filled with tension and needs to happen. It is still wrought with tension of whether or not it will work out. Arguably more so than just waiting to see if they will change their minds about getting back together. Working on their issues means putting all those problems right back in the forefront. It means talking about them instead of avoiding them. It's raw and messy and potentially shows all the cracks in the relationship that has to be repaired.

A longer delay in getting back together means we are less likely to see them actually work on their problems. If God forbid, they take a whole season for Tim and Lucy to decide to get back together, then we don't get any of that. If we manage to get a season 8, and Tim and Lucy don't get back together until the season 7 finale, then what is likely to happen is we come back to season 8 with them saying they worked it all, are fine, and will go on happily with their lives. Which is great, but I'm still going to be pissed that I had to endure a season and a half of a break up and I didn't even get to see the effort of them working on their problems. And if we don't get a season 8, if the writers find out near the end of this season that it is their last and they spent so much time on this break up, then what we get is a rushed getting back together to leave us satisfied that they are together but not particularly happy in the execution of it.

Once they are back together, and even if they are happy, they still have other issues that could cause them problems. One is Lucy wants to work undercover. The other is the chain of command issue. These problems only have significance to Tim and Lucy's relationship if they are together. If Lucy goes undercover while her and Tim are broken up, Tim is probably still worried about her, but there isn't much he can do about it. If they are broken up, Lucy not being around because of UC is no different than Lucy not being around because they are broken up. It doesn't really capitalize on all the problems between them if they aren't together to make it an issue. Same with the chain of command problem. Doesn't really matter if they aren't together. Neither of these issues can be tackled to their full extent by the writers is Chenford is not back together first. And if these problems are solved before Chenford get back together, then it's taking away a potential storyline when Chenford inevitably gets back together. Becomes a little too easy for them if Lucy get a job out of being under Tim's chain of command and decides she doesn't want to do UC anymore before she gets back together with Tim. So get them back together sooner, and they can address the storyline sooner.

Now here we are at what storylines can Tim and Lucy have after they are back together, have worked out their problems, and seem to be in a good place.

1.) The chain of command issue: I get that it was a whole thing in 5B and eventually led to Metro Tim. Sadly, because I think the writers really do want to put focus on either Patrol or Detectives, that means no more Metro Tim. If we are all honest with ourselves, as much as we love Metro Tim, the show wasn't really do enough with him in Metro. They spent just as many storylines, if not more, figuring out how to get Tim back on Patrol and/or working with Lucy as they did doing his own Metro thing. For this reason, I think Tim is going to remain on Patrol until the end or when they promote/retire Grey so Tim becomes Watch Commander (which I hope also isn't until the end if they decide to retire Grey.) They came up with a storyline that still doesn't make any sense to me to keep Lucy from getting promoted to Detective in order to keep her on Patrol so I assume that means they want her to remain on Patrol for as long as possible too. (Seriously, Primm, you got promoted and presumably a position you wanted because of Lucy so take your male ego and shove it up your ass.) So that means Tim and Lucy both on Patrol for the foreseeable future. As mentioned above this isn't an issue for them until they get back together so it's not an issue the writers need to address until they get back together. And no point in fixing it prior to that if they want to have the storyline. But how to fix it?

Simple answer: Sergeant Grey says it is okay for them to date. Yeah, that seems to fly in the face of making it an issue the first time around. But Grey was also there for that time. He saw what Tim and Lucy were willing to sacrifice to be together. He saw what those sacrifices ultimately led to. He paired them to work together even when they were dating and knows they can still work together well. They weren't too terrible even during the adjustment period of their break up so he didn't have to say anything more than once about making it work. If he sees them working just as well together as they are broken up, and none of it causes problems, then he can make the call to let them date. Chain of command issue be damned if he says it is not a problem. Especially if he doesn't want to lose one or two of his best officers. At this point, Chenford has been through enough so who is really going to care? Are the fans going to put up a big fuss if it means if we get to see Tim and Lucy not only dating but also working together? If the writers insist they have to remain on Patrol, then this is a concession they have to give us to make it work.

More complicated answer: Promotions As unlikely as it seems, I say just give everyone the necessary promotions. That starts with promoting Grey to captain. (Shh. I don't care about Lieutenant. ) Grey has been treated like the show's captain since Captain Andersen died. He is always in charge for the big events. Angela and Nyla go to Grey to talk about cases even though he isn't their boss anymore because they work in the Detective department. When Tim got promoted and worked in Metro, he was the same rank as Grey and answered to Pine, and yet somehow he usually answered to Grey anyway. The LAPD is currently going through a big shake up; some higher ups were probably compromised with this whole blackmail scandal. I'm sure one or two captains could have lost their jobs/rank. Promoting Grey wouldn't really change anything storywise in terms of what he does, but it would make more sense. Once Grey is promoted, Tim becomes Watch Commander. During this time Lucy takes the sergeant exam and passes easily. Grey creates a position in which Lucy is now his aide. She becomes his right hand woman when crisis mode. She can work on Patrol as sort of a liason role like Tim had in Metro so she can keep doing Patrol storylines. And if Grey is okay with it, she can even do some undercover work when necessary. It keeps Lucy available for all potential storylines while also giving her a well deserved promotion. And she will officially be under Grey's chain of command only and not Tim's.

2.) Tim and Lucy moving in together storyline. Once Tim and Lucy are back together, things get awkward for Celina as she now takes over Tamara's role of constantly catching Tim and Lucy in the middle of kissing. And maybe other things. Only a thousands time worse for everyone because Tim is Celina's boss and they all work together. Celina doesn't want to know that much about her boss/coworker's sex life, and they wouldn't like her knowing about it either. So after some very humorous and awkward moments, Tim and Lucy discuss moving in together. Are they prepared for this? Are in they in a good place after their break up? (Which is another reason they should get back together soon rather than later so there is more time between being in a good place and moving in together so it makes more sense.) Do they want to move in together to a place they already have or find a new place all together that is all their own? If they find a new place, they don't have to worry about Tim's home looking different yet again. That's at least two or three episodes. Build up the awkwardness with Celina, have the discussion about moving in, finding a place and moving in.

3.) Lucy getting a longterm undercover assignment opportunity. This storyline would ideally happen just as Tim and Lucy feel happy and secure in their relationship and have taken a big step like moving in together. They finally have to discuss what this means for them and if they truly can handle it. I think Lucy will have to take it and they will be able to make it work because they've put in all the effort that came before with working on repairing their relationship to make it stronger. If the show gets an 8th season, I can see this as a cliffhanger so that they can use the break between seasons to be a time jump so Lucy can be UC for months without having to isolate her for too long from the rest of the characters. Come back in the season 8 premiere with the end of the assignment winding down to an big action packed finish worthy of a premiere. And then Lucy decides she hates the isolation of longterm UC because she is a social person who needs to be around the people she loves. So she never does longterm UC again, and it is no longer an issue for Tim and Lucy. If this is the final season, then same storyline and outcome but sped up over a few episodes with an even more dramatic conclusion of Tim & Lucy hating being apart so they decide to get married.

And finally, I present you with the additional benefits of getting Tim and Lucy back together sooner rather later:

Secret Dating Era Redux: Tim and Lucy hiding their relationship once again, but this time it's more difficult and potentially more funny. Tim sneaking out of Lucy's apartment early in the morning without getting caught by Celina. Tim and Lucy having to act sad about being broken up even though they are back together. Other people trying to set them up in front of each other, and having to come up with excuses to say no. All coming to the ultimate conclusion where everyone finds out they are dating again. Just want the fans wanted: the everyone finds out reveal. I say Nolan should still be the last to know.

Tim finds out out Lucy dated Nolan: Maybe it comes up in their therapy sessions. Maybe Lucy mentions it when she talks about the issue with dating a cop. Whatever the way it happens, it's best if Tim and Lucy are together when he finds outs to really milk it for a potential issue. Also great to see Tim finding ways to take out his annoyance about it on Nolan. Bonus points if it if happens during the secret dating era redux so Nolan has no idea why Tim is mad at him.

Tim and Lucy having fun arguments again: Comparing their first date to their second first date or whether it's their second second first date. What counts as their anniversary? When they started dating? When they started dating again? Do they have two anniversaries? Does Lucy only want two anniversaries because she wants twice as many presents? The list goes on and on for how they can try to put humor into the idea of the break up once they know they are going to be okay after getting back together.

So there you have all my reasons for why and how Tim and Lucy should get back together sooner rather than later. I know we all want them pining for each other. I get it, but ask yourself how much time do you really want to wait to see them get back together. After the initial break up, there was a three week break of no new episodes, then four episodes where they are broken up, and now we wait 8 months just to see season 7. So that's 10 months of dealing with this break up already, and we don’t even know how much longer it will take. Do you want to wait even longer or do you want to see Tim and Lucy fix their relationship as soon as possible?

As a treat for those who suffered through this long ass rambling of my thoughts, I present you with a snippet of my new multichapter fic which I hope to finish soon so I can begin posting it in July. It's a Chenford fic based on the Once Upon A Time tv series concept. Basically if fairy tale characters were in the real world.

After they finish their meals, Lucy brings Tamara a pillow and a blanket for the night. When Tim sees that she has brought a second pillow and blanket for herself, he asks, “What do you think you are doing?”

“Staying the night with Tamara,” Lucy answers plainly like that should be obvious.

“This isn’t a slumber party. She is still our prisoner. You actually have to guard her,” Tim insists.

Lucy scoffs in disbelief. “You don’t trust me to do my job?”

“I trust you implicitly. I don’t trust her,” he points at Tamara, “not to give you some sob story that tugs at your heartstrings and has you handing over the keys.”

“You know what? Fine.” Lucy takes said keys and opens the cell. Stepping inside she throws down her pillow and blanket on the other bed. She then reaches her arm through the bars to lock the door from the inside before tossing the keys back to Tim. “You can let me out in the morning, and not have to worry about our prisoner escaping in the middle of the night.”

“And what are you going to do if there is a fire or an earthquake?” Tim asks smugly, thinking he has the upper hand.

Lucy shrugs as she challenges him on that unlikely scenario. “I guess I’ll have to trust that you can race back here quickly enough to let us out before the building crashes down on us.”

Tim doesn’t respond. Instead he leaves, and Tamara thinks he is admitting defeat and going home. But he quickly returns with his own pillow. “Just how many pillows does Smitty keep in this place?”

“Enough to build a fort,” Lucy answers as she sets up her bed. Not surprised at all that Tim is choosing to stay.

“Figures,” Tim responds as he puts his feet up on the desk while situating his pillow between his head and his chair. “Don’t stay up too late gossiping. We have a trial to attend in the morning.”

Lucy shakes her head, but fondly tells him, “Goodnight, sir.”

Tim answers with a grunt and nothing more.

Lucy seems less interested in gossiping and more interested in telling ghost stories. “Have you ever heard the one about Gracey Manor? It’s a local legend about the mansion that rests on the highest hill at the edge of town.”

Tamara and Lucy spend the next couple of hours talking and playing with a deck of cards Lucy brought with her. When they finally do go to sleep, Tim’s eyes are still closed, but Tamara has the sneaking suspicion that he is only resting his eyes. That if any trouble were to happen in the middle of the night, he would awake alert and ready to perform his duties. She knows her own experiences have kept her mindful of never allowing herself to fall too deep into sleep, but she can only wonder why Sheriff Bradford would learn such behavior.

[michichi69]

MAAF & The Stolen Generations

It’s NAIDOC week y’all which has reminded me of that busted ass comic page, ‘MAAF’, specifically chapter 9. For the most part I’m sure this comic is a cool exploration of Indonesia and Australia but chapter 9 (in the author’s own words) includes a part regarding the Stolen Generations wherein, “Yolngu (Australia) became white and lost his memory”. I may sound a little harsh towards this author but I think they did have good intentions and poor execution of this concept. For context, I myself am the grandchild of a stolen child and so I do take issue when this subject is handled poorly.

Warning: This may include the images and names of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people who have since passed.

This is a fair warning that this will be long but I’m going to share some information on the subject to hopefully convey my grievances with the comic chapter. This will be upsetting and triggering at times so keep in mind this involves the kidnapping and abuse of children. To start, below is a summary of the philosophy behind the Stolen Generations.

This image shows how the Stolen Generations was intended to work. You take an Aboriginal child from their home who has a white parent, referred to as the dated terms ‘Half-Caste’ or ‘Half-blood’. Then that child goes on to procreate with a white person to produce a child with more ‘white blood’, then that child is usually taken themselves and repeats the process until you end up with a child who is of ‘white blood’. This process was often referred to as ‘breeding out the black’ or ‘breeding out the colour’, which was heavily based on blood quantum and phenotypical features. Western Australia’s Chief Protector of Aborigines (1915-1936) and Commissioner for Native Affairs (1936-1940), A. O. Neville (also known as ‘Mr.Devil’ by Aboriginal people), is pictured below.

He is quoted as saying:

"[T]hey have to be protected against themselves whether they like it or not. They cannot remain as they are. The sore spot requires the application of the surgeon's knife for the good of the patient, and probably against the patient's will."

This epitomises the justifications of ‘biological assimilation’ that the orchestrators and supporters of the Stolen Generations often used to continue this cycle (officially) for almost one hundred years from the mid-1800s to the 1970s*.

(*Indigenous children were also unofficially wrongfully taken by child services and placed in white homes or institutions beyond this date, I recommend watching After the Apology (2017) for some of this.)

But where were these children taken to exactly?

They were called missions and were typically Catholic but could be run by other Christian denominations such as Lutherans. Children essentially grew up being forced into practising the religion of the institution they were placed in. The abuses that happened in these institutions were prolific and entailed the attempt at a total loss of connection to Indigenous families, cultures and languages. Specific examples of the conditions of many of these missions include stories of harsh abusive punishments, maggots in the food, and sexual abuse. Many children were taken in infancy or at very young ages, some taken directly from hospitals they were just born in, either never knowing their families or knowing very little of them and being subjected to these abuses their entire lives leading up to adulthood.

I would recommend watching The Rabbit Proof Fence (2002) for a little more of an introductory ‘visual example’ of how missions typically looked and ran, albeit much more watered down than what the lived reality was. For that, I suggest seeking out the stories of former stolen children.

Now maybe just with that background you can see my grievances with chapter 9 of MAAF but I’ll just spell it out. I take major issue with depicting Australia as literally turning from Yolgnu to a white man as a result of the Stolen Generations - taken children were and always will be Aboriginal and taken children still always belonged and continue to belong to their family’s language groups. Tangentially, just to cover all bases here, I also take issue with implying light skinned Aboriginal people aren’t Aboriginal because of the same history but MAAF quite literally TURNED A YOLGNU MAN INTO A WHITE MAN? As stated by the author themself - so I don’t believe they were making an astute commentary on how really light skinned Aboriginal people will always be Aboriginal, I think instead it’s exactly what it looks like. I can’t control what content people choose to make, and I’m not necessarily totally against using the medium of Hetalia fanworks to discuss historically sensitive subjects either. However, I will just say this - Please consider the work you make public, because these sensitive issues have affected real people who might come across that work. I've seen a similar handling of Canadian residential schools in the Hetalia fandom which was a very similar concept to the Stolen Generations in Australia, and of course, these depictions have also fallen short by depicting this as a literal 'white metamorphosis' of Indigenous children. To convey just how much this has bothered me, chapter 9 of MAAF is frankly my version of one of those probably well meaning but still super insensitive 9/11 America fanfictions that just come off gauche. I suppose I just hope people now have the tools to look at these depictions a little more critically than the fandom historically has?

Anyways, that's mostly it. See ya. EDIT: Some text got lost when I copied it over from another document so I've added the missing text again. EDIT 2: I've also seen a lot more stuff from MAAF and the artist even regarding some questionable choices regarding the interpretation of SEA Indigneous peoples and North American Indigenous peoples, so yeah, MAAF and the artist themselves probably aren't the most reliable sources out there in terms of the interpretation of Indigenous peoples GENERALLY speaking... 😅 ANYWAYS - Thank y'all for showing interest in this post, I'm very passionate about sharing information on the Stolen Generations and hopefully using my unique perspective for some good.

[driftward]

Log entries 15-38

Log Entry 15

Her essence ebbs when nobody is present.

I first noticed on day three, when everyone left. From what I could understand, they did not intend to be gone long. Just wanted to give the Madam Commander a chance to rest, and also to discuss important matters. I thought about going with them. Would that have been spying?

It is so weird, being present not present. I am used to not experiencing the world as they do. I am not used to not being a part of it altogether.

Maybe I could go spying. I wonder what the Chirurgeon does when nobody is watching.

The Madam Archon was the first to notice. The rest were quick to figure out what was wrong. I had a solution, but I could not share it.

Resonance.

It is a simple matter of resonance.

She just needs another source of living aether nearby to remind her soul what it is to be alive.

Fortunately their is now a rotation. She is never left alone. And now her essence is slowly building. A few more days, perhaps she will be self sustaining once more.

I hope.

Log Entry 20

Madam Commander spoke for the first time today. There was a discussion in the room. The one she thinks of as a child was the one speaking. Which is weird. I do not know why she thinks he is so young. His soul is clearly fully quickened and mature. Still though. He said a swear word.

She did not wake up, but she did mumble “language.”

The others found this very funny. I found it funny how mad he got. And then he swore a whole lot more.

Log Entry 23

The Madam Commander woke up for the first time today.

Log Entry 24

The Madam Commander is non-verbal. She seems aware of her surroundings, though. I do not feel any distress from her. She seems comfortable. She reaches out to touch others a fair bit. Unusual for her. Some Field Scholars like to be hands on, others maintain a distance. She was the sort to be hands on with a patient, but otherwise she always kept a distance.

I wonder if this means something.

She feels content, though. Especially when certain people are around. I think she favors the Madam Archon, the Leftenant, and the Adept. A twinge of concern for the Crystalficer and the Assistant. Very mixed feelings, swirling, regarding the Chirurgeon and her Commander.

She sleeps a lot.

The other fairies still cannot see me. I thought the Madam Archon might be able to. She can not.

I have taken to inspecting the soul armature. I can feel the lesser part of myself inside of its soulwell. It is the same as me, it is different. I can see the Madam Archon’s mark upon its essence. It is not strong enough to awaken once more just yet, but maybe when it does, I can try talking with it.

There is so much to discuss.

Log Entry 29

I am a fairy construct. I was created by the Madam Commander and the Madam Archon to be an able familiar, to provide able tactical advantage, to perform field assessment, to be a ready medical assistant. The Azure is my natural home, the rivers my natural fields, aether the light of my reality.

Which makes it all the more frustrating that somehow the Amalgam -and- one of those Auri people keep being able to enter and leave the room without me noticing!

I think the Amalgam can even see me, but I cannot seem to interact with them. They just stare.

This is a severe shortcoming in my capabilities, and I will be talking to the Madam Commander about it.

Oh, on that note, she is talking now. Not to me though. She does not know I am here.

Frustrating.

Log Entry 35

I love them. I love them all. They are her friends, her comrades, and I feel as close to them as I do to my fellow fairy constructs. They keep her close, they keep close to one another. They are warm, their essences full, their energies flowing so free. Seas, each of them, flowing around her, sharing with her, keeping her close, reminding her of who and what she is, and now.

The Madam Commander is finally fully lucid. And it is thanks… to them.

Log Entry 38

The Madam Commander is mobile these days. She still needs assistance. I want to help. I do not know what veil keeps us separated.

I try to touch her sometimes. Sometimes I try our link, and I get brief glimpses of what it is like to be her. It is very confusing. She sees everything weirdly. And she is so tall!

We have fallen into a routine, now. One of her comrades helps her walk a certain distance. Someone is there to tend to her meals. Her sleep to wake ratio is growing closer to what I would consider normal. I have nothing to do, so I try to investigate what it is that keeps us separated, or why I cannot interact with anything, or try to talk to her, or try to talk to anyone, or inspect her essence, or inspect the essence of her friends.

Her essence. It is still so concerningly low. Fortunate whatever malaise is affecting her is not affecting me. I am fine. Great, even. Rich and full of aether.

Which is stupid. I do not need so much.

Madam Archon is concerned about it as well. She speaks with the Chirurgeon about it often. The Leftenant is often there. She listens.

I hope they figure it out.

-*-

Klynt’s rough, calloused hand ran gently across Zoissette’s, a thumb caressing her palm, fingers rubbing gently against the back of Zoissette’s hand.

“How’re you feelin’?” she asked, a gentle rumble in the quiet of her deep voice.

Zoissette just stared at her hand a bit. Klynt waited. She had long ago learned to be patient with Zoissette. Zoissette could be an awkward swan of a woman. Strong, elegant, powerful. But also weirdly delicate in some ways.

“Fragile,” said Zoissette at long last. Her voice had a slight croak to it. Mathye had said it was from disuse. Apparently, there had not been much need for conversation out in the space between worlds. “I get tired so fast.”

Klynt just shook her head a little. “There’s no need for you to do anythin’ ‘cept rest,” she said.

“I know,” said Zoissette.

They were quiet again.

“I am so, so sorry.” said Zoissette.

Her voice was so, so quiet. And Klynt instinctively responded in kind, even as she let go of Zoissette’s hand to wrap the woman in a hug.

“Don’t be,” said Klynt. “You did a dumb thing, we got you back, and you’re alright.”

Zoissette shuddered in her arms.

“I hope Lavender is okay,” she said, hoarsely. “I can still feel her, but…”

“We got you back,” said Klynt. “We’ll figure her out too, if we have to. But right now, you have to rest.”

Zoissette just nodded into Klynt’s shoulder, wetting her with tears. Klynt pretended not to notice, and just held Zoissette for a time.

-*-

I like the Leftenant. I think they are good for each other.

[pinkfey]

WIP WEDNESDAY.

i was tagged by the lovely @corvosattano and lo and behold i actually have something this time !!

tagging: @malefiicarum @rosebarsoap @lvllns @ladyshar @shadowshearts @liurnia @astarien @kirnet @druidgroves @anoras @shadowglens @calenhads @mrs-theirin @nuclearstorms @flymmcargo @maxthetruman @necroticpetals @devilbrakers @morvaris @hylfystt @shellibisshe and you!!!!!!!!!!!!

i like to call this one "astarion is playing himself and he doesn't even know it. also he's bitchy."

“How did you learn such a skill, anyhow? Picking locks on doors you can’t enter?” she teased.

Astarion grumbled. What was that saying? Stones from glass houses?

“So many jokes from one asking so many favors.”

“One joke,” she corrected. “And one favor.”

Astarion listened close for the ticks of the lock, rolling his eyes. “Eugh. That’s how it always starts. ‘Pick a lock for me, Astarion! Hold my bag for me, Astarion! Rub my back for me, Astarion! Do all the hard work for me, Astarion, while I gorge myself on excess and watch’—Shhhhhhit!” The pick snapped between his fingers pathetically, as if retribution for his outburst.

If Ursula noticed his defeat, she did not reveal it. Gorge myself on excess, she mouthed with a slow nod. She shrugged, took another bite of her apple, and said nothing. Typical of her to let him complain. Some days he couldn’t decide whether she was patient or simply a stonewall. Perhaps both.

Astarion wormed the broken pick out of the lock, grateful it hadn’t been busted, and set to work with a fresh set.

He contemplated an apology—the use of it, that is. In truth, the situation between the two of them was quite the opposite and he knew it. She rarely asked anything of him. Of anyone, really. She defended him relentlessly and she allowed him to drink from her on the regular, and he didn’t need to ask. Picking a lock once in exchange for the kind of security and sustenance she provided seemed more than a fair bargain.

But Astarion was nothing if not frivolous, and Ursula did not mind, so he deigned to feel no shame in complaining, hyperbolic as he may have been. Perhaps embarrassingly so.

“You know you can get up whenever you wish, love,” Ursula said.

He tutted, tossed a sideways glance at her. Torchlight glinted off the recent puncture wounds in her neck as she leaned against the wall. Her good hand held the apple while she tucked the injured one close to her waist. He looked away quickly, lest he be reminded how she found herself injured in the first place. Lest he feel a shred of guilt, or worse: indebtment.

He can get up whenever he wishes.

Hmph.

Well.

The lock wasn’t exactly difficult, was it? He wasn’t doing this for her. On his knees in the dirt? Certainly not. This was a strategic move. He needed her trust. He wanted to see what was on the other side as well. Obviously.

The final tumbler clicked into place and he teased the lock to the side. He shoved the door open with a triumphant grin, only to be met with… Nothing. About ten square feet of dusty floorboards and barren wall sconces. Not even a hint of any secret passageways or loose planks. Astarion’s shoulders slumped.

Ursula poked her head inside and casually scanned the vacant room. “Huh,” she said. “Just an empty storage room. Oh well.”

“Wh—” Astarion started, but she was already marching away. “Are you kidding me?! After all that?”

[rosemxze]

about the 10/19 update:

reminder: criticism is okay but do not be hateful, or send PB or anyone hate.

so, apparently a lot of players are really mad right now. the CN players pointed out PB's lack of transparency in their emergency maintenance notice. they pointed out that they were reducing store benefits while increasing exchange prices. to some players, they feel like PB is turning WHB into a cash cow.

additionally, allegedly some people have lost money from the shop passes where if you had previously made a purchase, you would have to pay again since PB had made adjustments to the rewards 😭 also they've also hidden the old levelling reward in shop passes according to this tweet. overall, it's super confusing so i'll just leave this topic as it is.

honestly, i do understand that PB needs to earn money to pay their employees but i think the way they package their bundles and paid gems are terrible and just doesn't seem to be worth the money.

for their 113+7 gems pack i can't even afford 1 lesser key, whereas for around the same amount of money i can spend it on arknights's monthly card which gives 11 pulls or genshin's welkin pass which gives 16 pulls.

so i just come to the simple conclusion that i'm going to stay f2p. it's just not worth it if i can spend it on a different game and get more. it's not a big deal for me as long as banners eventually get rerun ahahah

some were also upset about no maintenance compensation which i think is fair because the maintenance would usually have some sort of compensation in exchange for their player base not being able to play/grind during that time period. i feel like PB could have gave guilty gems, lesser keys, or solomon's tears. or even gold/books or jelly or any of the upgrade materials that is difficult to farm for right now. or even pies which is even more difficult to collect than tears atm.

there should also be compensation for those who have lost their money through this update :')

there were also some criticism regarding how they "fixed" the store instead of the bugs. not only that but more bugs appeared such as some units are now unable to be deployed after the update or how the secret shop's vortex will appear every time you log in but the shop itself never appears.

the more common topic at hand is the solomon tears. some players have argued that this is what you're supposed to expect when you are an f2p player. however, i would like to also argue that it shouldn't take months to fully max a single character— which includes promotion, skills (2 for most, 3 for L-tiers) and unholy board (for L-tiers).

reminder that this game is eventually going to have 80 casts (or more if they add the angels and humans like obey me has done) in the future. that is a lot of characters and they will each have different copies and versions of each of them in the future too.

using arknights as an example, that game is farmable for f2p players like myself. i never spent money on arknights but i was able to upgrade multiple characters much faster which is good for tower defense games where you need to strategise with different characters. albeit WHB is easier in that aspect of strategy, it still doesn't change how it is definitely a little more challenging in WHB to build characters.

though, i can also go on the other side and argue that perhaps PB didn't mean for us to speedrun the content either.

i'm personally okay with grinding and being patient as long as the event stages are reasonable and can be cleared without very high difficulties.

also i'm also personally okay if their gacha banners have a reasonable pacing and pity system. since that is my personal main concern as a gacha addict :p

though, seeing all the others' feedbacks also kind of influenced me a bit and made me skeptical of PB. this single update kind of made me look at them in a different light and not the positive kind 😅

but!! they still have another update on 10/25 so i guess we'll just have to see how that one goes. maybe there will be improvements? who knows. i'm just praying for the better because i do enjoy this game so far and want it to do well in the future too 🙏

reminder: again, it's okay to criticise and give feedback but please do not be malicious and hateful 🙇‍♀️

[lloydfrontera]

Who is the person Rakiel's closest to?

damian! definitely damian! it took them,,, so long to get there, truly they put the llojavi slowburn to shame, but goddamn the results are pretty goddamn delicious.

i once said that the reason i couldn't get so invested in their relationship was because i felt that rakiel wasn't as invested in damian as damian was in him. their devotion didn't really feel mutual and that made me feel really sad for damian.

but then damian got sick. and oh boi. did that change things. rakiel goes to such lengths to keep him alive, he cares so much to keep him comfortable and stable and just puts so much effort into taking care of him, it immediately endears you to him in a much deeper level than the story had done until that point. rakiel's care for damian makes you care for him and it's wonderful.

there's way too much for me to truly summarize, it would take me far too long and i'd need to reread a lot of arcs to give myself a fair chance at remembering everything in the right order, but there is just. so much. their relationships is build up so slowly and lovingly that you truly believe how much they care for each other.

as the plot goes on and the stakes get higher and higher you start to see the cracks in rakiel's carefully detached demeanor, the facade he puts on as damian's primary doctor and truly start to see how much it gets to him that he can't keep damian safe. no matter what he does, no matter how many times he cures him, how many miracles he pulls off, he just can't keep damian from suffering.

he's his employer, he's his doctor and most of all he's his friend and he can't keep him from being in constant pain and suffering. worst of all, his meddling at the beginning is the reason damian is going through all of that in the first place. and he hates it.

in ch 548-550 you really get to see just how much he's come to care about damian, how close they've gotten to each other and how much it gets to rakiel the idea that he may just not be able to save him.

this is the first time we see rakiel truly lose his composure in front of a patient because the sheer hopelessness of their situation hits him so hard he's outright shaking as he tells damian his diagnosis.

then later on when they're looking for a treatment to damian's illness berkis points out the obvious solution to their problem. they could just send damian to an unpopulated world, let him die there and allow the demon king to grab his vessel in a desolated place where he can't hurt anyone. all his efforts would be wasted and they'd have 3000 years more to prepare for his next attack. truly, it's the most viable solution they have available.

it's completely unacceptable to rakiel. he will not send damian to die alone. he won't abandon him like that.

when berkis asks him if he's saying no as damian's doctor or as his master, rakiel replies that both, but knows that deep down he's also saying it as his friend. he can't let go of him yet.

berkis calls him out on this, telling him he can't decide something that will put the entire world in risk based on his feelings. he completely destroys all of his arguments, reminding him that not only did rakiel say there was no cure for this illness but what will he do with the next incurable disease that attacks damian. and the next and the next and the next. no matter how many miracles he pulls off there will always be a next attack and the demon king only needs to win once.

so rakiel only tells him to please. please give him a chance. he will try harder. he will try his best. just please, please let him try to the very end, until there's truly no more hope.

and if they can't find a cure, if there's truly nothing more they can do... then they can send both damian and him away.

because it was his fault. it's on him that this is happening. damian's hopelessness and misery, it's all because of him. and he has to take responsibility for it.

and then because this wasn't heartbreaking enough, someone else speaks up and says he's voting in favor of king berkis' plan. damian has heard enough. he will not put his prince in danger when there's an perfectly viable option right there.

rakiel gets so angry.

he yells at damian and then grabs him by the collar, asking him what the hell does he think he's doing. and when damian explains to him the only way to keep him safe is to go and die alone in a different world, rakiel tells him that's nonsense and that he'll pretend he didn't hear what he just said because it obviously was a mistake.

he's not. really angry at damian. he's livid with himself. because it's his fault this is happening. is his fault damian is trying to sacrifice himself. and it's his fault he's not competent enough to save him. he's absolutely furious with himself but he can't help but take it out on damian who least of all deserves it and that also infuriates him.

god there's some dialogue in this chapter that just. gives me heart palpitations. i can't do it justice so just. here.

"You are my escort. You can't die without my orders. How long have you been by my side? You still don’t know that?" "I know it very well." "So why do you do this?" "I do it because I have to." "Insolent." "I can’t help it even if you curse and criticize me." "I have never given you the freedom to die at your own will." "If I don’t have that freedom, I will stop escorting Your Highness." "What?" "If it is possible to protect Your Highness other than as an escort, I will gladly do so." "Damian." "Your Highness." "Damian!" "Yes, Your Highness." "Retract the statement you made to everyone earlier, immediately." "I don’t want to." "It’s an order." "I refuse." "I will save you." "How?" "Somehow." Even if it means taking away my own life. Even if it means working harder to treat others, earning bonus life, and giving it all to you. I want to save you. I don't want to give up. But did Damian know his feelings? Is that why he smiled more sadly? "Your Highness. You have done enough so far." "… So what." "You still want to do more?" "Of course." "…" Damian Cayenne let out a soft sigh. He could feel his master's heart. So he also felt sad and guilty. It's because of me. Because of him, his master was in danger and unhappy. So he decided. "… All right. I will follow Your Majesty’s wishes." He bowed his head obediently. So that my lord can rest assured. So that he can trust himself and put his heart down. Just be obedient. Like that. "I think my judgment was clouded for a moment just now. I apologize."

they want. so badly. to keep each other safe. they're trying so hard to protect one another. damian is willing to go die alone in desolate planet to keep rakiel safe. rakiel is willing to work himself to death to give damian his own lifespan.

they make me insane.

this is just. the tip of the iceberg, there's a lot more that happens before and after that i can't put in one single post because we'd be here all day but just. know that it exists and that is worth reading the entire novel just to see their relationship unfold.

so. yeah akjshdkjas

[iztopher]

I keep seeing posts going around with the sentiment of "people need to learn to distinguish media they like from good media/media they don't like from bad media," and while I appreciate the sentiment and I'm sure I've reblogged them before, the more I think about them the more I think that's not actually a useful way to judge media. If you approach things that way and it works for you, that's genuinely great. But I don't find it a productive road to encourage other people on.

I'm one of those people who think good art and bad art don't really exist in any objective sense. I think creativity is way too subjective for that. I remember, when I was first starting to use the "just because I like it doesn't mean it's good" metric, saying about a piece of art, "my personal opinion is this, but objectively-"

The best friend I was having this conversation with cut me off. "You can't be objective about art," they pointed out. "That's still a personal opinion." Yeah, okay, fair enough.

You cannot actually fully separate your personal opinion of art from your thoughts on it. Deciding what "objectively" makes good media is still a biased exercise. Where did you learn what makes good media? Why do you agree with it? These ideas are still personal! So is deciding whose opinion you agree with. You are, on some level, making a choice to agree with your mom, or your best friend, or the critic you respect, when you think a movie is bad but they say it's good and you decide that means it actually was good, personal opinions aside.

Everybody's different, but I lived by "distinguish if art is good or if you just like it" for years. It didn't help me understand media analysis any better, as any of my friends who had to patiently explain the basics to me time and time again could tell you. It didn't help me be less judgmental of other people's tastes. It just made me more insecure about my own.

It does not feel good to love a piece of art deeply, to admire it and use it as inspiration in your own work, and feel the need to tell yourself, but this is objectively bad. It does not feel good to suffer through art you've seen loved and praised but don't personally enjoy and feel the need to constantly remind yourself, but this is objectively good. In my experience, it mostly just makes you doubt your own right to experience and share your own opinions on art.

I am personally sick of saying that art I hold close to my chest is actually bad, but that's okay, because I love it anyways. Especially when I can articulate the things I like about it! I would much rather say, "I've seen people criticize this game's level scaling for requiring too much grinding, but I like it because it gives me more time with the characters and helps me better immerse myself in the game's world."

If you genuinely love a piece of art and also genuinely think it's bad art, whatever that means to you, all power to you. But both of those are your personal opinions, and I think owning that is a way more productive way to approach media than pretending one is and the other is just objective reality.

[lazyyogi]

DO NOT DELAY

Dealing with your own anger and fear and sadness--your suffering--will often not be fair.

You may have done nothing wrong. In fact, you may have done wonderful things. And yet still either due to the direct actions of others or the indirect workings of the Universe, fucking unfair painful shit will happen to you.

Your anger, fear, sadness, and other forms of suffering may be perfectly valid. But you must ask yourself: Do I want to be validated or do I want to be liberated?

There is a fake Buddha quote I love: "Holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone; you are the one who gets burned."

You can still take that person to task even after you drop the hot coal. The point being that you free yourself from the distorted perception that is caused by and causes suffering (the hot coal). Not only does this feel better on an inner level but it allows you to address whatever needs addressing with ingenious skill.

All of this comes to mind for me as a head & neck surgery resident. I have gotten 2 hours of sleep every other night while also working full days every day for the past week because of my call schedule. 95% of the time, the consults I get called in for overnight have been nonsense. And even though this demand on my time results in worsened physical health, mental/emotional wellbeing, and frustration, I treat my patients and colleagues with dignity and respect.

There are no awards for someone who worked from 530am to 7pm and then gets called back in at 8pm, 10pm, and 4am only to start their work day again at 530am.

No one is going to give me a pat on the back for meditating, practicing mindfulness, or engaging in contemplation in order to self-liberate my own anger, frustration, and suffering.

But again and again I must ask myself, do I want to be right or do I want to be peaceful, happy, and free?

I could go on and on about the last three years of my life in residency and how one thing after another has piled up to become incredibly unfair. Yet the one thing I keep reminding myself is do not delay.

Do not wait for later to free yourself, to practice meditation, to practice the spiritual teachings of contemplation, insight, kindness, passionate enthusiasm, lovingness. Do not wait for circumstances to be better. Or you may meet death before ever meeting "later."

Only you can give yourself this freedom. Now, today, is what we have been given with which to work.

No matter what you lose, do not lose your own heart.

LY

[that-angry-noldo]

"Are we going to talk about her?"

"No," Arafinwë cuts, and looks at her sternly. Lalwen finds herself amused at the fact that her younger brother still thinks he can command her.

"Arvo," she says kindly. "You know we have to talk about her sooner or later."

"Lalwen, please. We can deal with things much better than our sister. With these reports, for example. They are a mess."

Lalwen raises her eyebrows in challenge. "I just decided I won't touch any of these reports before we talk about her, so take that."

Arafinwë stares, and there's a flicker of annoyance on his face. "We don't need to talk about her. You've spent your time in Valimar, seen our mother and reconciled with our sister. That's enough."

"But that's not!" Lalwen exclaims rather angrily and Finarfin flinches when she slams her hands on the table. "Arafinwë, something is going on between you and Findis, and I do not find that something that funny at all, but neither you or Findis tell me anything so I am left walking on the eggshells! Do you think that's fair?!"

"My and Findis' relationship is none of your business. We've had our differences, we're not over them, we're not getting over them anytime soon," Arafinwë places the paperwork aside, and Lalwen follows his example. He looks back at her, and his face becomes apologetic. "I'm sorry. I know you love her, and I - I don't want my relationship to influence yours."

Lalwen sighs. "You don't understand, Ingo. It's just Fëanáro and Ñolofinwë all over again."

Finarfin flinches, and his face pales. "It's not."

"It is. Not as obvious, no. Both of you are too old and too wise to throw tantrums like our brothers could. Both of you are too wise to let our mother know of it, also. But I cannot stand that - that goddamn feeling of immediate tension whenever you enter the room together. Those glances you share. It's maddening, Arvo. At least you two somehow made a treaty and are strictly sticking to it, but it doesn't change the fact that it makes me want to run away and never return."

Arafinwë's lips are parted slightly - Lalwen waits patiently for his response. He shakes his head. "I'm sorry," he says, and his voice is sad. "That you feel that way. I truly am. Valar up above, I- I know how that feels, and- I'm sorry."

"What happened between you two?"

"A lot. We're just- not the same people anymore. Me and Findis. We had some... pretty bad fights after- after you left. That's all."

"Arafinwë," Lalwen says. "It's been centuries."

Arafinwë smiles absently. "Some harm was done."

"Some harm?! Arafinwë-"

"Lalwen," he says, firm but soft. "I know. And I know it's been centuries, and I- I know how you feel, but- I don't think I want to share it with someone. Not yet. Not even with you." His ears flicker downwards, and he avoids looking at her face. "Not even- not even with myself. I don't think I want to unpack that mess yet."

Lalwen looks at him, then sighs. "Alright. I'll wait."

"Thank you."

"I think we're done with the paperwork for today. Are you up for a walk? Findaráto showed me a place that sells the best ice cream a few days ago. I thought it would be nice to go there together. Maybe Eärwen could go, too."

"I'll ask her. Give me a minute."

Lalwen looks as he walks out of the room, and takes a deep breath. One step at a time, she reminds herself, and hides the remaining paperwork away.

[hunterwritesstuff]

"Mama's cooking!" Alastor and OC oneshot

So like, this is a comfort fic I made for myself bc I'm trying to repair my relationship with food/trying to get better with eating and I was doing great for almost two weeks, but then I slipped up and felt terrible. This is based off of my experiences and feelings duringmy time trying to improve my relationship with food. Everyone's experience is different. Some things may be OOC, but I don't care. I needed comfort and this is the product of that. Mind the TWs at the start, but if you read, I hope you enjoy!

Also, Ebony and Alastor aren't a romantic ship, rather a QPR one. Please respect that.

Fic is under the cut to be safe.

Tws: Eating troubles, zoning out, self-induced-shame, not being in-touch with reality, character being too tired to cook, and implied past abuse. Read carefully.

(Ebony's POV)

I laid there motionless on the couch, my eyes focused on nothing, my ears barely focused on the music coming from my headphones.

It’s just noise.

I feel my breathing begin to pick up. I missed my time to get breakfast again.

I feel the shame bubbling in my gut, but I don’t have the energy to react. Not now.

I barely notice people passing in and out of the room, whether they are Angel, Husk, Niffty, or Charlie, I pay them no heed, just give a hollow “have a good day”.

I can’t give more of a response than that. I feel hollow. I feel shameful. I feel tired. I feel hungry.

But I don’t have energy to get up. I don’t have energy to cook. I consider taking a nap, but I also don’t want to risk anything.

What would I risk? I don’t know. I live in constant paranoia that something will happen if I let my guard down for one second.

I could get up. I could do things. I just don’t have the motivation to.

Then I hear a familiar sound.

Click. Click. Click. 

Then I see a familiar fair of legs in front of me, wearing corduroy pinstripe pants.

“Alastor.” I say flatly. “What do you want?”

I’m still barely able to make out sounds due to how zoned out of everything I am, but I can tell he says something before walking off. 

Of course my platonic partner leaves me. I would too, if I could.

I hear something akin to pots and pans clattering, but assume he just sorted the pots and pans in the kitchen again due to habit.

That was about when I zoned out pretty much completely again.

About an hour later after stewing in my thoughts for that period of time, I get thrown back to reality by a familiar smell.

A smell that reminds me of singing in the kitchen, of a woman named [REDACTED], of a woman embracing me in a warm hug to tell me it’d be okay, of happier days, days where I was away from my family, of days where I went unharmed for a good period of time.

I find myself getting up off the couch and walking to the kitchen, slowly leaning in.

I hear him humming. Humming one of those old songs I would always hear in the kitchen.

Oh.

I was crying, now.

He must have heard me come in because I soon found him staring at me, wearing not his usual ear-to-ear smile, but a more…genuine one.

A patient smile.

A smaller one.

A pitying one.

No.

It wasn’t pity.

It was understanding.

If it was pity, I would have started to scream at him, yell at him how I did not need any person’s pity.

But I did not. 

We did not exchange any words, we did not say anything, we just exchanged a silent glance.

Then he gently grabbed my shoulder and led me to a table. I did not fight him. I did not understand why I did not fight him, but I did not.

He sat me down at a table and told me to wait a moment. I could hear better now, as I was more in-touch with reality, but it still sounded muffled.

I waited a few moments, and he came out with a bowl. It smelled amazing. It smelled like home.

Then I looked up and saw him smiling at me again.

It was a kind smile.

Not the kind that reached his ears, but just enough to be seen as kind, seen as patient, seen as understanding, seen as non-judgemental.

“Go ahead, dear. It’s all for you, no guilt, no judgment. Just so you can have something to eat without any fear.” He said softly.

“...What if the others come back and stare?” I ask, trying to not let my emotions leak into my voice.

“I told them to leave the hotel for a few hours. They understood. You have a while before anyone comes back. And if you’re still hungry after that first bowl, there’s more in the kitchen.” Alastor answered calmly.

I nod, slowly eating before my pace quickens. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Alastor wanted to say something, but he did not say it.

He did not want to hurt my feelings.

“...your mama’s cooking did always get me to eat.” I say softly, able to read Alastor’s mind.

“What can I say? Her jambalaya’s so good it nearly killed her!” He chuckled.

That felt weird to hear. He usually let out a full laugh. He did not usually chuckle. And the laugh was usually performative.

“Good enough to raise the dead for a bowl or two.” I joke, trying to lighten the mood.

“And it sometimes did!” Alastor laughed.

I allow myself a chuckle. I can let down my walls around him.

“Thanks, Al.” I smile finally.

“No trouble, Ebony, my dear. Always here to help.” He smiled, returning to his usual smile. “No need to worry about judgment either, I know how hard this is for you.”

I smile, silently thanking him. 

“I think I’m gonna grab some more.”

[darkthingshappen]

Merry Whump of May, Day 10

@themerrywhumpofmay

Day Ten - “Hit the hay.”

Key

Forgetting

Warehouse     

Okay, seriously y'all. This prompt wrote it self. I have collaborated with the amazing @sparrowsage (Part of my always supportive Whumperful Crew) for another crossover with his enthralling The Warehouse series and my Brother's Keeper series. As we saw during Whumptober, Ben and Jake did a stint at the warehouse and met Sparrow where they spent a most unfortunate evening together. If you'd like to read that, you can find it here. Also, if you're interested in The Warehouse, here's a link to his masterlist. This takes place after Ben and Jake's second captivity and is part of a recovery arc.

As always, I'd like to thank the rest of my whumperful crew: @quietly-by-myself @whumpcereal and @oddsconvert for the wonderful beta job she gave this tonight.

Warnings: aftermath of torture, aftermath of noncon, aftermath of captivity.

Even after spending a few weeks in here, Sparrow couldn’t help but still find this place foreign to him. There were small bits and pieces he still remembered, barely remembered, from when he was here months and months beforehand, like how the staff members in the light blue scrubs weren’t the doctors, more like assistants. He couldn’t remember the proper word for them. He had been here at the hospital for a few weeks now, and somehow his stay was going better than it did the first time. That didn’t mean that there weren’t challenges. The only thing that made it easier on him this time was that he was around a few people he knew he could trust. 

Alex, his doctor (at least that’s what Sparrow believed the word was), had told him that he was finally allowed to walk around the floor after the few weeks of healing that prevented him from doing much of anything. He hadn’t been allowed out of bed much, only to shower and use the washroom. Any other time, he had to have someone with him, pushing him around in a wheelchair. While he did miss the company of his friends, now that he was free once more, the growing need to have some space became more apparent to him. 

The hallways were dimmed, since it was a fair bit into the evening, but despite this, Sparrow wasn’t scared. He was just exploring, looking into rooms that had open doors or uncovered windows, observing the environment he was in. So long as he didn’t go into any of the rooms, no one would say anything or approach him. It felt strange to him, being able to do things of his own free will again. He had almost forgotten what it felt like, almost leaned too far into what was being done and asked of him to the point where he lost any kind of will. But he was safe now, for good. The Warehouse had been shut down since the raid. Damon was arrested, whatever that meant, but all he knew was that Damon couldn’t get to him anymore. 

Sparrow played with his fingers while he walked, glancing into a dimly lit room with only the patient in it as he had done with all the other rooms he had passed.But as he carried on, he nearly tripped over his own feet as he scrambled backwards to get a better look at the person laying in the hospital bed.

He couldn’t help but let his eyes widen as it finally registered; the patient in the bed was Jake Adkins. There were different wires attached to his body that connected to different machines and a tube down his throat. It took a lot of willpower for Sparrow not to move from the doorway to try and get the tube out, convinced it was placed there to hurt him. But it wasn’t there to hurt him; Sparrow had to remind himself that this place wasn’t like the Warehouse. If it was there, it was being used to help Jake. 

So instead, he just stood in the doorway, watching Jake sleep. The steady beeping from the monitors in his room slowly faded as Sparrow’s thoughts swarmed around in his head. 

How was Jake here? At this hospital? Volkov never took his captives to hospitals and they were nowhere near the island. 

Then it dawned on him; if Jake was here, where the hell was Ben? He couldn’t stop the panic beginning to well up inside him that Ben wasn’t safe, or that Volkov and Dmitri were here for some twisted reason, that he himself wasn’t safe. 

Unconsciously, Sparrow leaned against the doorframe to keep himself upright, his breathing already starting to increase before he heard footsteps coming from his left. Sparrow’s head snapped to the side to see who it was, fearing it was one of his old captors. His entire body was tense, but he froze when he saw who it really was. It was Ben. 

His hands were bandaged from the nails that Volkov had put through them, but he looked like he was healing. There was more color in his face than there had been over those few days when he and his brother were at the facility. He still bore the myriad of bruises, scrapes and cuts from their fresh rescue, but at least he was alive. 

“Hey, who are… Sparrow?” It took a moment for the younger brother to register who was in front of him and it left him standing in place, frozen, just as Sparrow was. After a moment, Ben was able to break out of his surprised stare, not expecting to see him. Ever again.

“I.. I didn’t… how are you here?  How did you find us?”  Ben stopped, not wanting to pester Sparrow with the thousands of questions forming in his head. 

Ben frowned when he looked in at his brother’s too still form laying in the bed. Even though they had both made it out, had gotten rescued, he still felt guilty at the fact that he was awake and walking while Jake was unconscious and unable to even stand. 

He looked back up tentatively at Sparrow.  “I… I need to sit down, I’m… I’m not very strong at the moment and I get winded kinda easily.  Wanna join me?”  Ben motioned to the chairs that were around Jake’s bed.  

The question managed to snap Sparrow out of his frozen state, nodding his head after a moment. He didn’t know what to say; there were so many things he wanted to tell him but if he tried to grab hold of something in his head to start with, it vanished. He followed Ben into Jake's room, taking a seat in one of the empty chairs before continuing to fiddle with his fingers in his lap. His eyes kept wandering to Jake and how he had to keep reminding himself that he wasn’t supposed to touch the machines, and that the tube in Jake’s throat wasn’t hurting him. 

They sat in silence for a long while, just the beeping of the monitors between them.  Ben’s eyes rarely left his brother, as if he were counting his breaths.  

“He’s dead,” Ben quietly broke the silence.  They both knew who he was talking about. 

Sparrow’s head spun in Ben’s direction, the words snatching his attention. His eyes lingering on Ben’s for a brief moment before he averted his gaze. It was still hard for him to make eye contact with anyone for more than a second. It probably always would be. 

Sparrow could hardly believe his ears. He’s dead, that madman is actually dead. But it had to be true. How else would they be here if he wasn’t? At least that put some of his fears to rest. Sparrow turned his head back towards Jake, taking in a silent deep breath before letting it out slowly. 

“This is where I was brought the first time,” Sparrow said, just as quietly. “This is where I met Ale- Dr. Sharpe. A-and Felix. When they raided the Warehouse, they brought me back here.” Sparrow pulled his legs up onto the chair, hugging his knees close to his chest. “It’s familiar, to say the least. A good familiar.” He looked down at his wrist, eying his hospital bracelet. He still had a bit to go before he was allowed to go back with Felix, but that was alright. He didn’t feel ready to leave here yet, especially now. 

He glanced back at Ben, looking him over again. “Why are you guys here?” Sparrow hadn’t put much thought into where the two brothers would have lived before their captivity. Granted, he hardly knew the world around him, barely even knowing the name of the town he called home, but he didn’t think out of the entire world, Ben and Jake would end up in the same hospital when the island was so far away. 

“Jake… we… we um… we needed a level one trauma center, and mom and dad wanted him close… close to home.  I… I think I was here before too.  I… I don’t remember much from when I first came home, but… But I was in the hospital for a couple of weeks before mom thought I would do better at home.  I…” Ben shrugged. “ I don’t remember much from then.  I remember my mom visiting.  I remember them being there when they flew me home, but it’s all like flashes.  I… I was… not in a good place, mentally that first time.  I’m better now though.  D-Dr. Sharpe you said… blond guy, r-really tall?  S-s-sorry.  I st-stutter when I get nervous.”

Sparrow listened intently as Ben spoke, easily seeing he was wracked with nerves, disregarding the stutter entirely. While it had been a survival tactic, even now he was overly observant and could find telltale points in how someone was feeling. When Ben mentioned Alex, Sparrow’s face lit up a bit. 

“Y-yeah. He’s the one who helped me when I got here the first time, and was waiting for me when I got here a few weeks ago.” Sparrow’s body relaxed a bit; Alex had helped him through so much and Sparrow trusted him with his life. “He’s good with me. He never overly pushed me or did anything to hurt me. He kept me safe while I was here and was the first person I met outside of that fucking place that showed me any kind of care.” 

Sparrow looked back at Ben after a moment, noticing that he still seemed on edge a bit, more so than he should be. “He won’t hurt you, or your brother. I promise.” 

“He… He’s safe?  He asked a lot of questions… my mom tried to an-answer some.  But… but I know there was stuff I didn’t want to s-say with her there.  The past few months… I mean, you know.  Dr. Sharpe is really tall… but… but he’s safe?”

Sparrow nodded, a soft smile on his face. “He’s safe.” He took a moment to take in another deep breath, recalling old memories. They were a bit faded, though a lot of his memories from when he was last here were. Entering back into that hellhole had practically erased everything he had learned, at least on a conscious level. 

“I was scared of him too, when I first met him,” Sparrow admitted. “Though, I was scared of everyone. Everything was so….new and scary, I didn’t know what was going on. I thought everyone here was going to do the same thing the Keeper’s did. But Alex-Dr. Sharpe worked with me. He took things at my pace and respected my wishes.” 

Sparrow looked back over at Jake for a moment before turning his gaze to the bed sheets as he continued, “I honestly don’t think I would have left the hospital if it wasn’t for him. He helped me so much in ways I never thought were possible, even gave me a way to listen to books since I uhm, since I can’t uh, can’t read.” It was a thing he was still embarrassed about, but that small gesture from Alex had helped him cope, it gave him something to focus on and think about that wasn’t related to anything he had gone through. 

“You can’t read?  H-how long did… were you there?”  Ben’s eyebrows knit together in concern.  Ben couldn’t imagine not being able to read.  Books and knowledge had always been such a big part of his life.  He thought of all those horrible lonely nights trapped in that cage where he could do nothing to ease the pain and horrors.  One of the only things that had kept him sane had been to try and remember the stories from the books he’d read.  His favorite characters.  He had always been terrible at art, but he remembered trying to draw them in the dust of his cage sometimes and then rubbing it out before anyone could see.  No books, no stories.  Ben wasn’t sure he could have survived.  He looked at Sparrow with new admiration.  

Sparrow’s face blushed a bit at the question out of embarrassment, but even so, he knew that Ben meant no ill intention. It took him a moment or two to answer the second question, unconsciously hugging his legs closer to his chest. “I think it was around twenty-one years? I never knew anything different from that place, and in there, why teach a pet a skill they’d never need?” He was determined to get better at it though. Sparrow hoped that he would be able to learn how to read well so he could enjoy the comfort of books without having to struggle with them. 

“Twenty-one years!  How the fuck did you survive?” Ben kept his voice quiet, but he was nonplussed.  “I barely made it fourteen months.  Geez!  I… I’m impressed.  I would have died long before that.  Just given up.  You’re one hell of a s-survivor.”  Ben swallowed and brushed his floppy hair out of his face.  “A-an-and D-D-D… your Keeper?”

Sparrow couldn’t help but chuckle at Ben’s reaction. Before he had escaped, the Warehouse had been all that he knew. There were still so many things he didn’t know about or of and even the thought of that made Sparrow anxious, but he knew that in time, he’d learn. At his own pace. 

“It’s all I ever knew. I grew up there, I thought that’s how the world worked; people getting treated like shit and having to fight to survive. All I ever wanted was to be treated like an equal, to be treated like a normal person, like how the Keeper’s treated each other. When I escaped the first time, I finally started to learn that that’s not how things are supposed to be, which only made going back that much harder.”

Ben nodded knowingly as Sparrow spoke.  Being dragged back to captivity was so much worse.  

At the mention of Damon, Sparrow couldn’t help but tense. The events of the raid were still painfully fresh in his mind and it was hard to think about them, let alone talk about it, but he had come to learn that talking about things helped. 

“The Warehouse got shut down. There was a huge raid, so many people died. He…. he tried to escape with me when they came. One of them, I think his name was Vaughn? He managed to find us before Damon could escape. I-It’s hard to remember things clearly, but Vaughn came and visited me here after things were taken care of. He told me that Damon had been arrested, whatever that means, and that he wouldn’t be able to hurt me again. That he could never find me now that he was taken care of. He’s not dead, but I’m hoping that what he said was true, that I don’t have to be afraid of him anymore.” 

At the mention of Agent Vaughn’s name, it was Ben’s turn to brighten.  “If Vaughn told you that you were s-safe and he couldn’t get to you a-again, then it’s true.  I’ve never met a man more t-true to his w–w-word.”  Ben smiled at Sparrow.  He hadn’t smiled much, but putting the connection together that Vaughn had helped rescue Sparrow helped.  It’s like a little part of this messed up world that had finally come right.  The fucking Warehouse was no more.  Like Volkov’s holding pens were no more.  

A smile began to spread across Sparrow's face as Ben reassured him about Vaughn. There were so many things he didn’t know about Ben and his brother, but he hoped that they could keep in touch. They were too important to let go after all this time. 

“I would say that I want to forget, but I don’t think I do.  And it doesn’t matter because I can’t.  I… I think I want to try and help people.  People like us.  I-I used to want to b-be a s-scien-tist, but I don’t know if that’s st-still my p-path.”  Ben was quiet and reflective as he talked.  The last few years had upended his whole life like he’d never thought it could.  But hopefully this was all finally over.  Hopefully.  

Sparrow nodded at Ben’s words, liking the idea. Sparrow had no idea what he wanted to do since the only goal he had had been achieved; to be free. It was something he didn’t think was possible, yet here he was. 

As Sparrow was about to add onto the conversation, there was a soft knock at the door. Both of their heads turned to the source of the sound, both being a bit on guard, but Sparrow relaxed as soon as he realized it was only Alex. 

“I was wondering where you had gone off to, Sparrow,” he commented lightly. Alex looked to Ben, giving him a soft smile. “I’m glad you found someone to talk to though.” 

Sparrow glanced at Ben, giving him a reassuring nod that it was okay. He knew Ben wouldn’t trust Alex one hundred percent right off the hop, he hadn’t either, but he knew he could help start the process. “You said I could finally get up and walk on my own earlier, so I did.” 

Alex chuckled softly, “I did indeed tell you that you could.” He put his hands in his coat pockets, leaning a bit on the door. “I hate to end things early for you and your friend, but it’s getting late and I think it’s best that you both hit the hay. There will be plenty of other times when you two can talk when there’s more daylight.” 

At Alex’s words, Sparrow couldn’t help but look confused. What did that even mean, ‘hit the hay’? What even is hay? Sparrow shook his head slightly to try and get rid of the confusion, but he knew Alex was right. It was getting late, he could tell by how dark it was outside through the windows. He’d have to come back tomorrow if Ben was up for it. 

Ben smirked at Sparrow’s obvious confusion over certain colloquialisms.  Despite his apparent years of captivity, no, he wanted to call it what it was, his enslavement, there was something precious and childlike in Sparrow.  Not an innocence, per se, but a… naivete to his demeanor.  Ben liked it.  He liked Sparrow.  There was something fierce and loyal in him that Ben now believed was rare in the world but worthy and needed.  This was especially true after all the cruelty and lack of humanity that Ben had endured during his time in captivity.  He reached his hand up and unconsciously touched the horrible slave tattoo that he still bore on his throat.  This time, that would be the first to go.  

Sparrow started to stand from his chair before he finally remembered something. Something that had happened so long ago but had been important to him the last time he had been able to speak to Ben. He turned and looked at Ben with  an excited expression. “Maybe at some point soon I can introduce you to the people who helped me stay fighting while we were there. I’m sure they’d be happy to meet you and your brother. And hey, maybe you could introduce me to your fiance. I’m sure she’s really glad to have you home.”

“I’d like that. My parents will be around tomorrow if you want to meet them.  And they usually bring Zoe with them, if she’s not already here.  She had her own doctor appointment today, which is why she’s not here.  But she’d love to meet you.  Jake is… The doctor’s say it may be a while because his body is repairing itself and needs extensive rest.  They aren’t sure if he’ll be able to walk yet.  Either way , he’s going to need massive amounts of physical therapy, so I’ll be around.  I’ll need some myself for my hands and things, but the nerve damage is already done.”  

Ben shrugged as if to say it is what it is, but the uncertainty of what he was going to do with his life going forward unnerved him because before all this he’d been so certain.  But that was a problem for another day.  

“It was really great to see you, Sparrow.  I’m glad you got out.  No one deserves what happened in that warehouse.”

Sparrow nodded at the invitation, ignoring the anxiety of meeting new people. That night that he had comforted Ben, hearing about the people that were waiting for him and his brothers return, Sparrow knew that at some point, if he were to ever get out, he’d want to meet them, to let them know that Ben was ok. 

“It was good to see you too, Ben,” he said finally, his excited grin softening to a warm smile. “I’m glad you two got out too, and that you’ll never return to any of that. No one deserves what happened to us or anything in between.” 

With that, Sparrow gave Ben one last smile before he headed for the door, giving Alex a small, soft smile before exiting the room, Alex following shortly after. 

It was surreal, being able to see Ben and Jake again. Like Henley, Sparrow didn’t think he’d ever see these people again, but it hadn’t kept him from thinking about them every day, hoping and wishing they were ok and staying strong. It was almost like the whole ordeal, the entirety of it all, was a big lock, and he had only just managed to find the right key to unlock everything he needed to continue forward. 

Tagging List: @i-can-even-burn-salad @peachy-panic @deluxewhump @arwenadreamer @whumpcereal @melancholy-in-the-morning @dont-touch-my-soup @whumpsday @keeper-of-all-the-random-things @whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump @oddsconvert @melennui @susiequaz12 @morning-star-whump @crystalquartzwhump @whump-and-other-things @mylifeisonthebookshelf @reflected-pain @hold-him-down @quietshae @quietly-by-myself @there-will-always-be-bloodblood @whumping-seven-days-a-week @hiding-in-the-shadows (I hope I’m not forgetting anyone - please let me know if I am and I’ll fix it. I’m still getting used to this) 

Sparrow's Tags:

@mannerofwhump @honey-is-mesi @painful-pooch @whumperfully @hiding-in-the-shadows @flowersarefreetherapy @goronska

[jedidryad]

It’s not about  being prepared for a fight.

After a couple of painful exchanges between our OTP, here is a segment from the early days of Lightsabers are Always Loaded when they were on much friendlier footing...perhaps even some shy flirting.

I shouldn’t have been surprised to hear from Skywalker after the rooftop gift and the request to join him at the reception, but I was. Despite his general acceptance, I couldn’t imagine him seeking me out after I’d threatened him so many times. He was calm, patient, and forgiving with seemingly everyone, but I couldn’t imagine that being anymore than simply his approach to the galaxy rather than something particularly aimed at me.

I couldn’t imagine him wanting to be a friend.

Still, the first sparring session had gone well. Like on Wayland, he’d shared what he’d learned over the years, and I shared the techniques I’d been taught. 

I’d been tentative at first. While I’d learned a couple of different saber fighting styles, my training had been much different from the friendly sparring session Skywalker described in his invitation. I’d been trained to attack and to sabotage, not to spar. I’d used the saber as a tool as well as a weapon. I’d done most of my fighting with remotes, and the few times I had been called before Palpatine to fight another agent, severe injuries were common.

“I don’t want to cut off your other arm,” I blurted at one point when Skywalker asked why I was holding back.

“Then don’t.” he answered with a smile that did not fade in the wake of my dark and menacing expression.

He admitted he also hadn’t done a lot of sparring as part of his early training, but he had found records of practice forms and routines that he wanted to try. 

I was very skeptical. C’Baoth and Luuke hadn’t exactly followed any particular lightsaber forms when attacking us, and I doubted Vader had cared all that much about the precision of Skywalker’s technique when chasing him through the tunnels on Bespin.

“It’s not about being prepared for a fight,” he reminded me, “It’s like target practice.”

Fair enough. As he led me through the first form, I tried to drop my cynicism - and not lop off any of either of our limbs.

Over the next few weeks we worked through the various moves and techniques, and Skywalker was right. The repetition and precision of the forms allowed us to hone our skills. Positions and moves became instinctive, and, with time, I felt myself relax into it.

We spent hours almost dancing across the workout spaces together as we got the movements down.

“Good.” He told me one afternoon, “You’re getting better at staying out of your mind and being present in the Force.”

“Oh that’s not it,” I brushed off his praise, “I just stopped caring about preserving your arms and legs.”

He chuckled, “Well it’s working for you.”

[regular-lord-reckoner]

little update on me, i guess

i'm feeling a little more like myself, i guess. slowly but surely.

i've appreciated being able to just take it slow and steady one day at a time because that's all i can really do right now.

this week was kinda rough, though

for one thing, one of my managers accused me of not doing something i know for a fact i did do and that it's another person who's guilty of what she's talking about but for whatever reason she just...assumed it was me??

i did stand my ground on that one, though, i was like, "can you give me an example of where that's happened because i actually found a bug in the system last week so i want to make sure it's not that again because i'm pretty sure i did what you're saying i didn't" and she was just like, "i don't have it right now, i'll send you some in the future if i come across them!!!" like yeah, okay i'll hold my breath on that one

and listen, i know i've made some mistakes here and there on the charts i've been doing, i'll own that. fair enough. but this other thing she's talking about is separate and i know i go above and beyond sometimes while the other person doing the same thing i am is just flying through the fucking things and it's because as i've noticed myself, she's not doing the thing i got a ~helpful reminder~ email about

in any case, i wasn't wrong in thinking that shit was coming out of left field because on the same day she also spoke so awfully to one of the schedulers that she straight up quit, so!!! there's that.

then on thursday i had my yearly neurology appointment which was fine, he pretty much just asks if my medicine is still working and if we need to adjust the dose, does a quick little check up and then sends me home with my renewed prescription and an appointment for next year.

the problem was it's the first time i've really had to extensively interact with someone who doesn't know what's been going on with me and so i was just sort of in a daze the whole time because part of me was like...should i mention it?? is it relevant to my health??

because i noticed my blood pressure was a little higher than usual which to be fair could be due to multiple things but like...i dunno, maybe also grief and the lack of sleep i've been getting? maybe!

ultimately though i decided not to mention it and when he asked how i was doing i just gave him The Script "i'm good, how about you?" and things just moved on from there

we did talk a little about tears for fears, though since i was wearing a tears for fears shirt. he likes them AND he's seen the cure recently so...very cool neurologist. he also prescribed me to listen to talk talk so i'll get on that at some point

anyway, after the visit i was like, "well, that was a whole ordeal, let me go pick up some lunch at the new chipotle that just opened up closer to my house!"

and i knew that i'd have to pass the funeral home to get to it and was prepared for that although it still kinda stings (even though it's the same damn funeral home we used for ashley so like you'd think i'd be used to it by now but)

what i was not prepared for, though, as i was pulling out of the parking lot was to see the hospice place we used right behind the chipotle so...that's neat!!

also later on that day my mom told me about someone else we know whose father also just passed away and unfortunately he went the same way my sister did, so...thrusday was just trigger after trigger after trigger!!

i'll also just mention this and try not to focus on it too much because i think she might actually be working on it now, but my mom's drinking lately has been...not great

i get that if there's ever a time to do it that it would be now and i've been pretty patient and cool about it up until recently and have started saying something

i actually had a meltdown about it this week because it's just...a lot.

as much as i understand it's just so many things wrapped together

i just lost one parent, i'm not really prepared to watch another one go, even if it's slowly

family of four to three to now two and it's like she's speedrunning to make it one

there's also just the...yay, i never get to stop taking care of someone!!! element of it

it's like i told her, part of why she thinks she can drink so much and that everything is fine, it'll be okay, it's fine is because both dad and i went behind her to make it that way

together we worked as a team to make sure she got to bed safely, that her phone was inside and plugged up, that all the doors were closed and locked for the night, that the dog was inside and put to bed, that all the food was put up, etc., etc.

now it's just me.

and i've been doing it now for a little while. i don't say anything, i don't bring my feelings into it at all. i'll just gently usher her to bed when i feel like she's had enough even though i know she'll still get up and have a couple more when she thinks i've gone to sleep and so i'll go downstairs again a few times just to make sure she's really finally safely asleep

but yeah, that's kinda reached its boiling point so i dunno, we'll see

this is the first weekend i've had where i haven't had to worry and i'm not so naive as to think it'll be like this from now on so i've just been trying to enjoy it while it lasts

i've also been spending as much time as possible in the pool until we close it next weekend

it is........very cold in there but if it gets above 80 degrees i'm getting in there and getting in the last of my pool exercises and then immediately getting back out lol

but yeah, i think that's about it for now

i'm still doing my therapy every other week and am still journaling away.

i've had a couple of dreams where i think my dad has visited me. there's always just a different vibe when it's someone who's passed, it's hard to explain, but my therapist said it's real so we'll go with that

he never really says much, he just smiles and is just there, looking like himself.

that's been comforting.

in any case, i'm hopeful october will be a good month because it's october, duh!!

i've also taken the week of my birthday off as a treat to myself and even if i do nothing but sleep all that week i'll be happy

i'm going to try to enjoy the rest of my weekend and i hope if you're reading this you have a good one as well and may we both have a better week ahead as we move into spoopy season!

[thisdogpaystaxes]

i think all i'm ever meant to do is love. and i think that being the most spiteful, evil bitch to people has to remind me of that. and when i do things like that i go off the deep end every time :)

i am looking forward to returning to therapy.

i've been in a nonstop loop of thinking of loving and being in love. to love and to be love. to be changed and to inspire change. to embrace growth and aide others. i love love. and all i want to do is love. and i love loving people and i will forever just do my best to be nice and graceful, besides when im being funny, but like i just need to be better to everyone around me. im just tired... and lay.

anyways. to love and to be in love. is all i want. i want to eat bricks because i want to be in love!!!!!!!! but i have stuff to get over and i cant find someone who is just perfect enough for me to be comfortable :)

one day though, i've done this before. this is just the grace period the universe is granting me to prove that im ready to try to be nicer. and be better. i love loving and i. think everyone thinks im literally the. most mean person ever like i literally think everyone thinks im the worst :D i haveproblems!!

anyways, sorry for getting weird again, i just needed to talk out my thoughts to make myself realize that i just need to be nice and kind. and patient with growth and emotions. and i can't be prejudiced of peoples emotions when i haven't lived their past. my belly button piercing hurts like all the time i think.....................

i might be lying but also i don't think so. my body literally is the worst.

i also think im probably going to die young. my body hurts all the time and also its not fair that i don't feel loved the way i want to..........................me being impatient anda. cunt again,

but lets remember the belly button piercing thing pls bc i have an inkling and. i dont trust my body. i think everything around me is so fucking entropic and i have like three or four years before i should kill myself.!!!!!!!!