#to have someone who already knows; who connects with me on such a. basic wavelength

[panie-wanie-dean-bean]

Oh, what can I say about Solomon? He's a massive bitch

Now, don't take that as me saying I dislike Sol, I think he's fun! The same way I think Assy's fun, which is why I think them having a pact works so well. Assy may have been attracted to his raw magical talent, but they're also just on the same wavelength ya know?

These two could gossip about RAD students for hours, all while doing a night routine or trying out a cute new cafe Assy just had to visit. They have a pact, sure, but I also think they're genuinely friends. As close to friends two heavily guarded bitches could be anyway. I think their bond would get even stronger with you around. You help lower their walls a touch and if you can get them down at the same time there's a real connection there

It does take work to get to that point though. Solomon is who-even-fucking-knows old, and in that time he's had roughly two options: humans who will inevitably die and leave him alone again, or demons who are almost always vying for his soul. What I'm saying is this man is trust issues. He swore off of actual love a long time ago, knowing it would only lead to heart break, or worse

And then he met you. You were weak, and scared, and alone in the Devildom. He didn't think you'd last a day, and once the 24 hour mark hit he only changed his estimation to a week. Once he heard you had made a pact with Mammon, oh

Oh now he's interested

He needs to know you, study you. From the side lines of course, but he needs to make sure you don't fuckin die on him before he gets what he wants. Which is answers! Of course, I mean, he hasn't had an itch to study someone like this in millennia but you were intriguing! A human that managed to make pacts with two high ranking demons in a week? How could he not be mesmerized-

Fascinated...fascinated is the word he meant to use while talking about you with Assy. The smug smile on the demon's face made his blood threaten to boil "I can't tell if you're in denial or just plain stupid hun" Assy sauntered off soon after, leaving him with a warning "You should try talking to them! Now that they've got Beel around their finger I can tell they're aiming to make pacts with all of us. You might wanna shoot your shot before a Mr. Morningstar takes a shine to them. Ciao~"

It all tips over at Diavolo's little get together, from his perspective anyhow. He takes great pains to make sure no one notices, but on the inside he's finally put the pieces together. It's why he lends you his power that night, he could tell you had serious magical potential. And seeing what lengths you've gone to already, he knows Assy's little impossible task wouldn't stop you. So he lends you some of his magic, a part of him hoping that once you had all the brothers under your thumb, this silly little crush of his would die out

But it never did. If anything it got worse. Passing you in the hall became a test of will, seeing at least one of your little boy toys hanging off of you like a leech at all times. Once he caught eyes with Belphie, the little shit grinned ear to ear as he yanked down the back of your uniform to kiss his pact mark while staring daggers at him. Was it a test? A threat? He didn't have time to tell as his magic kicked in on it's own, teleporting him to RAD's front lawn

Once the exchange program was almost up he was overjoyed! Finally, he'll get to have you all to himself! He can set up shop basically anywhere, so he made arrangements to stay near you once you got to go home. He even offered to let you stay with him if you'd like! I mean, at this point whatever family you had probably assumes you're dead right? Might as well make a clean break with him, yeah?

But then the day came, and nothing changed. Oh, you were back in the human world, sure. But you still had your D.D.D with you, and it was constantly going off. If he didn't know Diavolo would kill him for it he would have smashed that thing as soon as you got here. He needed some way to get the brothers off your dick so much, or at least get enough respect from them that he could have five fucking minutes alone with you

And that's when it came to him. Sure he was already planning on turning you immortal eventually so you could live along side him, but the brothers didn't have to know that. And what do you know, he didn't even have to suggest the idea himself! Turns out your mortality came up naturally during your trip back to the Devildom and some of the brothers wouldn't let it slide

He offers his help of course, but nothing is without it's price in this world. In return he demands their respect, and a set amount of time with you each week. It's nothing compared to the eternity they'll get to spend with you now, right? So...have we got a deal?

[tshortik]

Henlo, some of you may already know that I am modding a little semi-professional art server! We're looking for some new folks again, so send me a DM here on tumblr or twitter, if you're serious about art and interested in the space! :>

Below some important info about the server 👇

It's a space for adults, who are either hobbyists serious about their craft or professionals! It's for people who wanna get better, make connections and share resources. rn we have a good mix of hobbyists and professionals going and the atmosphere is very chill 😊

It's a 18+ server, but it's still sfw! People have different boundaries, and very explicit stuff can create some very awkward situations among strangers. We'd like to keep that to a minimum if possible. Tasteful nudity is totally fine tho, and if unsure there's always spoilers.

We don't want specific individuals to hog the spotlight (spam in channels, glossing over people, ...) and neither do we want anyone to idolise any artist to a creepy degree. Pity-parties are also not allowed. This is moderated accordingly!

It is supposed to be an interactive, informative and collaborative space. It is NOT a place to be solely used for promoting yourself without engaging with others. If we notice someone only promoting their shop for example, they're out. That really isn't the place for it.

The server will not "teach" you how to draw! Please only apply if art is already a thing you do seriously. I will not give out invites to people that draw stick figures, you should already have a basic amount of knowledge with this skill. This is important because I want everybody to be able to hold conversations on the same wavelength, without feeling awkward about their experience or lack thereof. The server is not equipped to teach someone like a mentor would, and it is also not within anybody's power to motivate someone for this either.

We regularly prune the server! There are lurkers, so you have the chance to react if you wanna stay and just soak in the info, but it is important for me that the space doesn't become too large and inflated, so that people stay comfy talking. Hence why the invites aren't public and why it's a closed server! Right now we have roughly below 100 members, but we are in the process of pruning again.

Just to re-iterate: The server is for mature conversations and mainly focuses on on-topic art stuff. While we do have off-topic channels, it is still primarily a space for people to seriously engage with each other about art of all kinds.

If there are a lot of interests, I might put you on a queue list as to not overwhelm the server with too many new folks, but I will let you know if that's the case. DM me for any questions!

PS: Crypto and AI shit will be hunted for sport 💋

[nimue-hidden-lake]

Ritsann Couple Dynamic Sheet

Blank template here - OC Info

May as well. Because some realizations randomly hit me at night regarding the both of them and made me love the dynamic even more though part of it is still my bias for Ritsu as a whole of course. So... Rambling below cut if you are interested (potential for a story maybe after I finish the Ritsu long fic... Or during, we'll see).

Basically the two are a pair of people who are almost all alone or at least have the fear to be alone. The reason Ritsu clings onto people as he does is because he is afraid that he will be left behind. Meanwhile Ann is usually afraid of approaching people, believing that others will leave their life someday, and thus refuses to grow closer to them. Ritsu is one of the few exceptions as it just clicked during their first interaction (and him reminding them of someone they are still close to. Why is this important? Because it is those types of people they grow close to fairly quickly and is also on one wavelength with). They handle a similar problem they have rather differently. One could say that they were sort of meant to meet and become close (even in alternate timelines where they are not a couple the two are very close friends). They are not aware of course, at least not at first yet would learn about this probably over time about another.

Maybe the relationship is temporarily complicated once Ritsu finds out Ann had a crush on Rei, as short lived as it was. Given Ritsu he would probably be secretly afraid that his brother could steal someone from him. He knows it was yet said fear might linger within him one way or another. It could be a situation where Ann is even confronted about this bit of Ritsu's past (they are aware of how Ritsu sees Rei yet they have no idea why that is, they have to learn about this), turning this into a situation where they have to prove and reassure him that this could never happen.

Perhaps they sympathize even, knowing more than well how it is to be all alone. Ann would for sure feel that way as they usually feel all alone as well and are more than aware of how much it hurts to lose those close to you. And knowing he fears the same, even went through it and feels betrayed by his own brother, would make them show their affection even more. The situation could make them grow even closer than they already were I'd imagine. At least it would feel like a natural progression in their relationship.

In fact, let me go so far and add Nyeli into the mix. Oh, by the way @watersofcamelot, I love how you made 'Patch' his true name (even if this will never be revealed outside of the Izuann route or a potential side story I planned on the Ritsann path but we'll get there when we get there). It fits Nyeli so well, given he is usually the link to 'patch things up' when he is around in the stories... I dunno if that was the intention but I always loved the choice. And if it was on purpose... Great choice!

Anyway... Nyeli is also Ann's and Ritsu's connection. If it was not for him running after Ritsu one day when seeing him the two would probably have never met to begin with (or the process would have been way slower, let's say that). And he is technically their link to stick together no matter what, couple or not, as both take care of him and make sure he grows up just fine. It emphasizes more on how Ritsann is basically using a 'found family' basis and it probably makes them grow even closer. Sure, Nyeli calls Ann 'Sisnya' but it wouldn't change the fact that Nyeli is basically like their kid. They are probably grateful he is around or otherwise none of this would be possible.

Looking at the pairing from this perspective makes me love them even more almost Izuann level... Maybe they get a deepdive next since I love Izuann. Again, part of it is because this is an s/i x f/o pairing of course, but I do mean it when I say that this sudden realization made me appreciate them even more together.

Rambling over!

[nahalism]

What suggestions would you have for someone who feels like they're blocked from achieving the life they want because reality seems intent on exiling them from opportunities to connect with people on their wavelength? I.e: If they are placed in a class it will be the class with poorly motivated, unambitious, introverted students while the other class has high achieving, extroverted students who go on to connect with each other and make waves in their field

hey angel. quick disclaimer, i only give suggestions i would give to myself & im aware what im about to say can easily be misinterpreted which would lead it to cause more harm than help and thats the last thing i want. so disclaimer lol, im not saying this so you feel like you brought misfortune or unfavourable circumstances on to yourself, but rather to encourage you to rise to the occasion. id rather be blunt and to the point, cause i feel like clarity is the first step to fixing things, which is a better result than me trying to pacify you with soft words yfm?

so, on the one hand, life could be handing you shitty cards, yet on the other it could be challenging you in a way that brings out character and grit you didn't even know you had. — theres a principle i base a lot on called the law of correspondence (basically, the idea that the reality we experience around us is direct reflection of what is in us). its possible that deep seated beliefs you hold about yourself, or how you perceive yourself in relation to others, are being mirrored back to you. — ill give an example to make what i mean a bit clearer— (idk what its like where you went to school) but, who's to say that despite the fact they werent in your class you couldn't have made friends with the extroverted students? or that you couldn't have exerted that high ambition and drive to make your own waves? sure the road would have been lonelier, but you may have found more people similar to you as a consequence, or experienced alignment with your goals and expression of your character. being the only one may also have been another call to rise to challenges around you. it may have made you stand out, or even encouraged you to be a leader/forerunner for your class, and in turn inspired the other introverted people (who may have also felt like you) to aim higher and achieve more.

what im getting at is that life isnt out to get you and unfortunate circumstances cant stop you being who you are. there are so many people who do great things without support, acceptance, and despite great resistance. so trust in that, trust in yourself, and dont let the fact your undertaking your journey alone deter you. go against the odds and do it for yourself. the grass always looks greener on the other side where its been watered and tended to. but rather than running over to where its already green, its good practice to take up your own tools & learn what it takes to make your own grass thrive. that way no matter the circumstances you know u can stand.

hope this helps. sending love 💌

[foxdies]

like i’m dating my best friend.. yknow how that feels?

[ravenadottir]

ask about social media backlash, pt. II

bobby. the player tweet, operation nope. "lads, come on, this happened so long ago, i feel like my hair is going grey by now... *smiles awkwardly*. ok, the thing is, the player thing, i'm not sure what they were on about. *shrugs casually* some of the islanders let it be very clear that they believed in that tweet, but i don't know why they would. *winks* and operation nope was... i guess it was a mistake. i had to come clean about the whole thing because i felt... bad, but you never know who's playing the game and who isn't. you never know when a connection is genuine or just exists because someone says it does. and we had seen that type of couple playing a game on the previous season, it's not so rare. some girls, and i believe some boys, played the game during casa amor. they switched just to stay safe during a dumping, it happens! it's not just about love, it's about 50 k too. some of us need that kind of money, you know. i don't think what priya and i did was so farfetched, orm so absurd. but noah and hope have forgiven us and i'm glad, because we're good mates now. and i think it's time to let go of it, you know? we all did."

priya. operation nope. "ugh, are we still on this? it happened months ago, lads, give it a rest! the whole thing was to basically test them. you can't tell me some of you didn't think the same. from there it did look like they were faking it, and it's fine to say that out loud, we've seen couples working together on a previous season. the fact that hope might've been offended doesn't make any sense. you can't know a person in so little time, it wasn't personal. *rolls eyes* and like, bobby and i discussed the possibility of them faking the whole thing because it happened so fast! wouldn't you? we got a tweet saying hope was playing noah and that just settled it for me! it's not just about love, it's about friendship. if noah and hope were lying to us, their friends, it would've been really shitty. and we knew it could happen because marisol got with rocco too, behind lottie's back. it wasn't impossible. but it's in the past. hope and i are good, noah and i are good, and i believe bobby and noah are good to, so like... can we move past this? *takes a deep breath* you gotta just... let go."

lucas. about stealing mc. "*tired ugh* that night was possibly one of the most confusing i've ever lived. when we heard jakub barking hope's name, it was... so surreal. everyone was looking around the firepit, there were curious looks, there were furious ones, some were extremely cautious, some worried. when i made that decision i must admit, i wasn't in the right wavelength, but that recoupling also meant we should take a chance, a risk that we didn't think we could. nothing is ever certain in that place. one day you think you're in love, the next day they throw five new people in your bedroom. picking someone that wasn't my couple wasn't exactly the smartest choice, but it was one i had to make. it didn't exactly go well but we made mistakes we regret. knowing that couple wouldn't work *sighs* because she told me that, made it easier for me to bring blake back. everything that followed that decision was unfortunate but sometimes... sometimes there's no right formula. when it comes to love you have to take a chance, knowing the results will not always be what you expect."

henrik. about stealing mc. "you never know when a connection is gonna sprout. at that point i felt so... lost. it seemed some of the girls were interested in changing couples and i heard from a humming bird that one of the girls was her. i had a couple of people i had my eye on, but one of them was taken, what was i supposed to do? i had to make a decision and i... made one people didn't like it. but the whole night was already thrown for a spin! *laughs sweetly* nothing was going as we thought it would. i didn't want to steal anyone but since everyone's plans were going wrong, i figured i had to take a chance. did it pay off? no! *laughs again* but it's what you have to do. at the end of the day it was still a game to find love. love can happen in the most unexpected places. did it happen? also no. *shrugs with a smile* but it is what it is lads. you have to take a risk sometimes. but now that we're non the outside, and most of us got to see each other here, it's all good. i'm really good mates with the lads and the girls, there's no hard feelings. *smiles openly*"

chelsea. gossiping. "oh my god, like, it's so weird that people fixate on that. people that are watching a reality show, that get as curious as all of us. i didn't mean to cause a stir talking about lottie and gary, or about jo and rahim. *shrugs with a smile* it was just things that other people did that was wrong, but i was the wrong one because i told people about it? don't do anything wrong then there's nothing wrong to report! elisa was in that date and she told me because... i think she was worried! and i didn't mean to yell it like that! *rolls eyes playfuly* i was just super shocked that they had a kiss! it wasn't my intention for shannon to hear me! but i get it, it caused a lot of problems. but what if elisa hadn't told me? what if i hadn't spurted all about it? shannon would've gone to bed without knowing, how unfair what that be?! no one was gonna tell her and she would've had to find out when going home, how humiliating! i don't know, i feel like for better or for worse, it was better that she knew. i would like to know f it was me!"

ibrahim. kissing a different girl. "i know i'm not the only one who goes through a moment like this. when you're tempted because... *sighs* everything happening on that date felt so right. we didn't plan on doing it, we didn't say we would, it just... happened. and i felt a genuine connection. there had been some mishappenings but i... i genuinely liked jo. i had that urge because i liked her a lot, and right away. yes, it was wrong of me not telling shannon, but i got scared. i guess you lot can agree with me, shannon was scary. *chuckles* i'm kidding, but not about the part about being scared. i was afraid of hurting her... *sighs again while toying with his shirt* but watching back, i owed it to her. and i was really sorry i kept it quiet. it was better to just talk about it. well... *chuckles sadly* lesson learned."

((i'll do a part 3 guys, it'd a lot of backlash i feel like))

[pekorosu]

just a lil “if ash lived” headcanon that i need to unload somewhere bc i've been holding it in for a long time

- set within the manga ‘verse

- takes place when ash and eiji are in their early 30s... so around the mid 1990s?

- i don’t get the weird animanga trope where older = longer hair, so they’re gonna look the same... maybe with slightly shorter hair bc they get regular haircuts now 

- (note: i've always interpreted long-haired eiji as symbolic of the fact that he couldn't move on from ash’s death)

- ash and eiji will continue living in the states, idk if still in NYC or somewhere else. they’ll move around a lot though.

- ash will mostly remain underground as he had to fake his death after lao’s stab, but he does it in a "hiding in plain sight" kind of way. only a handful of people know he’s still alive.  

- ash spends most of his time on the computer, mostly coding, hacking, being a nerd, among other fun stuff.

- he also takes on “jobs” anonymously, and occasionally from max (who’s still into investigative journalism) when he needs info that can only be obtained through Dubious Means.

- i also like to think that ash's a bit of a hacker robin hood lol. but he isn’t doing it purely out of the goodness of his heart, as part of it is a subconscious need to atone for his “sins” and cleanse the gnawing and persistent feeling of shame that gets amplified when he’s around eiji.

- also whatever he’s up to these days would ofc still be Highly Dangerous and Illegal, but it keeps him busy and would sate the part of him that’s still hungry for adrenaline without him having to engage in stuff like active bloodshed or substance abuse. basically that’s how i imagine he’d try to cope with life the only way he knows.

- eiji continues to do photography and other part time gigs bc he does not like the idea of mooching off ash forever, and he slowly makes a name for himself.

- ash and eiji live together but they are NOT together in a romantic sense... not yet >:)

- therefore eiji will probably date other people in the meantime, which gets a little troublesome bc it's not like he can bring them home to where his secret Very Important Friend is secretly hiding.

- ash will maybe have one-night stands every now and then. or not. idk. this isn’t a very important detail.

- anyway there will be lots of clueless but mutual pining :)

- ash especially, is of the opinion that they should start living separately bc someone will eventually track him down, maybe someone who has a past or present grudge on him. combined with his current activities, it’s only a matter of time before eiji would unwittingly get dragged into his problems again.

- eiji is v adamantly against that plan bc he's sorta developed a debilitating sense of paranoia that ash might just get killed somewhere while he’s not looking. not that ash isn’t paranoid either, but his insecurities often tip the scale over to “eiji is safer away from me” than “with me”.

- basically they’re doing their whole “stay. no, leave. no, stay” dance all over again, but like, dragged out over MANY YEARS.

- you thought eiji’s letter would’ve cleared up any crossed wires? 

- HELL NO

- like yea, there was probably a beautiful honeymoon period of about a year or two after they reunited, before their respective trauma and issues started creeping in and fucking things up again.

- esp on ash’s end, i think he’d engage in a lot of self-sabotage. and eiji is only human, he has his own limits and baggage too.

- there will be a government conspiracy plotline but on a smaller scale compared to canon that i am unfortunately not knowledgeable enough to worldbuild on, but it will probably have something to do with cybercrime/cyberterrorism/stuff like that bc it needs to tie in with ash's hacking shenanigans.

- i've heard that sing ends up becoming some sorta political big shot in yasha? idk, i haven't read it myself, but since china’s rising status was mentioned in GoL i imagine the plot should relate to that somehow.

- therefore sing would also get to be in this story! 

- i guess this means yut-lung would come into the picture at some point as well, and it would be a good opportunity for a redemption arc but i haven’t given it much of a thought bc i’m indifferent to his character orz SORRY.

- look i can’t do plot, but i am basically envisioning a political thriller with a side of slow burn romance (wait, you mean like a rehash of canon?)

- i’m thinking max is the one who kicks off the story by bringing something fishy to ash, and they just end up uncovering more and more and MORE stuff as they keep going.

- so for like 80% of the story, ash and eiji will be separated bc ash will be busy spying or infiltrating something... and being at the center of Plot Things, while max and eiji will be more on the outside dealing with the journalist side of things. i’m fond of max-ash interactions but i’m also REALLY CURIOUS about max-eiji’s dynamic :D

- meanwhile sing will be like, half in and half out i imagine. he's versatile like that lol

- ...i did NOT mean that in a dirty way

- anyway, this will provide ash and eiji ample space to work out their issues separately, as i think living in close quarters for so many years has actually been aggravating them. ofc those issues don’t get 100% resolved by the end, but some time apart from each other to cool off and spend with other people should provide a bit of perspective.

- i want ash to make some NEW FRIENDS (!!!) that are on the same wavelength as him bc there’s only so much that he can tell eiji and i’m sure he gets rather lonely, so there will be OCs that he will meet in the middle of Plot Things.

- ash will get trapped at some point. preferably with sing so they can have a much needed heart-to-heart talk. they’ll have a lot to hash out, ranging from the events in BF, shorter’s and lao’s death, all the way to ash’s love life. 

- btw i like the idea of eiji and sing being close drinking buddies who confide in one another but ash is kinda, justalittle, not very happy about that LOL 

- i mean, it's not like eiji can confide in ash when ash is the topic at hand, ya get me? as for sing, he’s similar to ash in the sense that they live dangerous lives, so i imagine he just finds it nice to be able to hang out with someone mundane like eiji every now and then.

- not to say that ash and sing aren’t talking to each other at all, but i think they’d have a bit of a rift between them. sing probably does feel some resentment, both at ash for killing lao AND at himself bc he knows deep down that given a choice, he would’ve saved ash over his own brother. ash can sense that tortured vibe, so eiji’s like their middle man. AND THAT’S WHY THEY NEED A HEART-TO-HEART TALK

- (SIDE NOTE: i want akira to have a role in this too. i actually have a separate headcanon that happens prior to this story... kinda like an alternate GoL? 

akira goes to the states to visit eiji, but ash is also there, yeah? akira and ash start out sorta prickly with each other bc ash is all weird and standoffish and always cooped up in his room. she probably mistook him as a jobless model mooching off eiji at first since 1) eiji and ibe have never spoken about him back in japan (cuz he’s supposed to be dead), 2) why would eiji be living with some random hot guy? unless they met during one of his photography gigs? right??? 

and then she ends up witnessing them in the middle of a tiff, which makes her not like ash even more bc HOW DARE HE YELL AT POOR OKUMURA-SAN??? UNGRATEFUL JERK!!!

but over the course of her visit, she snoops around learns a bit about their history and gathers hints as to why their r’ship is kinda strained. also ash and akira somehow end up bonding (reluctantly) over their emotional insecurities and part on a friendly rivalry to win over eiji’s affections (which eiji is completely oblivious to. also akira may have been 100% serious but ash was just jokingly playing along with her (OR WAS HE???)). anyway long story short, ash teaches akira some cool tech/IT stuff along the way so that leads to her gaining an interest in the field. 

she won’t be able to do much in this story, but a minor role would be cool :)

 ^ a lighthearted gyoza-making scene amid all the angst)

- (SIDE NOTE #2: i ALSO want cain to feature in this, but bc canon provided very little bg info on him it’s hard for me to figure out where he’d fit. but i suppose that’s precisely why it would be great to include him, since i can just make up my own backstory! lol. for now, i think he should be connected to one of the new OCs to make him more central to the plot. or heck, he can be involved himself! ...yeah, i’m just salty about how cain was treated more like a convenient plot device compared to the other major side characters. we barely know anything about him even though he was one of ash’s most trusted allies. #caindeservedbetter2k20)

- anyway, back to the main story. ash (and his new "friends") barely escape where they’re held hostage. ash would be rusty with combat now as he’s spent the past few years doing only stealth work and being rather sedentary. 

- so there’ll be lotsa old man!ash jokes like them poking fun at him whenever he complains about his back hehe

- when they finally emerge outside they find themselves in the middle of nowhere! they then hijack a passing pickup truck and do a roadtrip back to civilisation. ROAD TRIP FTW

- at this point, quite some time has already passed and ash even has a fuzzy beard and mane and all. he’s standing at the back of the truck with a small smile on his face and the wind blowing in his hair, thinking GONNA GO BACK AND SEE EIJI, MISS HIM LOADS, HELL YEA 

- (bonus: this song and this scene is the catalyst for this entire headcanon btw)

(drew this about a year ago. i was trying to imitate the manga’s art style... and the ash i had in my mind was a little different. i’m too lazy to redraw, but he’s fuzzier now okay! MORE FUZZ! like an actual freakin LION!)

- meanwhile, eiji and max will get into some deep shit around this point? 

- eiji in the pic above was me imagining that the Bad Guys had tossed some damning evidence (eg. severed body part?) on the ground like “ash’s dead/ash’s in a lot of danger now so hand over all the info u have”

- and eiji and max are like. SHOOKETH

- this would be the 3rd time ash has “died” after all, and as they say... 3rd time's the charm...

- eiji almost gives in, but then max spits in their face like fuck no and then... yeah. they get beat up and taken away or something lol

- EDIT: hmm... what if the Bad Guy is someone IN the government, and he uses his power to get eiji and max arrested for aiding and abetting a wanted fugitive (ash). and then ash has to rescue them... JAILBREAK STYLE

- also it might be cool to introduce ash's mom somewhere in this story... maybe SHE'S the villain! mwahaha *drama intensifies*

- anyways they will get saved by ash and gang bc that’s just the way things go, BUT! only on the condition they already made it out at least 80% of the way bc GODDAMN IT👏LET👏EIJI👏BE👏BADASS👏FOR👏ONCE👏 

- (that is, after he overcomes the initial shock of ash possibly being dead again... again...... again............)

- there will ofc be moments of “oh my god, you’re okay” "i thought i lost you...!"

- something like this, because one can never have enough cheesy reunion scenes

- this will eventually lead to REVELATIONS (of the romantic kind, yes) 

- buuuut they will never say "i love you" directly to each other bc ash is too emotionally constipated and eiji is too japanese. it's okay, they will communicate it through heated stares 👀

- i would love for there to be a scene where they have to be separated again for Plot Reasons and ash sorta hesitantly goes all "...will you wait for me?" as a direct parallel to canon!eiji's "i'll be waiting" and it’s like,

- FINALLY! 

- FINALLY!!!!!!!!!! ash has finally allowed himself to ask for this, to let himself want it! 

- and eiji would be like OF COURSE I WILL YOU BIG DUMMY, ALWAYS AND FOREVER

- but i think it'd be hilarious if eiji pops up while ash's in the middle of the final showdown and ash's like WTF I TOLD YOU TO WAIT FOR ME and eiji's like I WAS WORRIED OKAY YOU WERE TAKING SO LONG

- idk how this is supposed to end...

- oh wait! since the plot is government-related, maybe Someone will be able to pull strings to wipe out ash’s criminal record (past and present) and give him a brand new 100% legal identity, as thanks for his efforts? or maybe ash (or sing) just does it himself somewhere along the way LOL. anyway, he’ll be able to start over with a fresh clean slate and finally work on recovery FOR REAL NOW. yes this is a happy ending AND it didn’t require him to go to japan /flips off canon

- ...i realise it’s never going to be that simple but W H A T E V E R

- (also they probably will visit japan in the future with that shiny new passport... gotta meet the in-laws and all y’know)

- who do i gotta pay to write this cheesy self-indulgent fic for me

[soulmate-game]

Crack One shot

Soulmates were real, but there was no universal type of bond. The only agreed upon fact was that everyone only had one soulmate, and that was whatever that person needed most in life. If what they needed most was a romantic partner, their soulmate would be romantic. If they needed family or a lifelong friend more, then that would be the bond they would have. It could show up in any way, some more common than others but many unique to that pair or trio of soul bonded individuals.

Marinette had arrived in Gotham last week. She had won the Wayne Enterprises International Scholastic Competition for her and her class, the reward for which included a month long trip to Gotham. Three of those weeks would be spent in Gotham Academy during the week, with the weekends spent in personalized internships with Wayne Enterprises employees.

Except Marinette, who as the winner of the competition, got her internship with Bruce Wayne and Tim Drake themselves.

And after finding out that Robin was her romantic soulmate on her first night in Gotham? She was really hoping this internship would go smoothly without any life altering discoveries.

Someone needed to flick Tikki for not giving her enough good luck though, because that did not happen.

Marinette thought stumbling through her and Robin’s game-styled Bond would be more than enough confusion and complication for at least the rest of the year for her. But no. No, of course not. Because when she met Bruce Wayne at his manor for their first official day of internship on Saturday, nine days after arriving in Gotham City, she shook the billionaire’s hand for the first time.

And when their hands connected, the only thing in either of their favor is the fact that Alix had turned down the invitation to come with Marinette and therefore the only other people in the mansion were Bruce’s family (including Alfred, of course). Because as soon as their hands touched, bright silver light shone for a moment before what was basically a holographic screen popped up. On it in bold black font were the words:

— SOULBOND INITIATED STATUS: Familial FAMILIARITY LEVEL: Introductory BONDED INDIVIDUALS: Bruce Wayne (AKA:REDACTED) and Marinette Dupain-Cheng (AKA: REDACTED) INITIATE SOULBOND GUIDE? (Y / N) —

“B-But I already met my soulmate on Thursday!” Marinette objected, eyes wide as she pulled her hand away like it burned. “This can’t— this is a prank, right? New WayneTech or something?”

Unfortunately, Bruce stares at his own hand in similar shock.

“Miss Dupain-Cheng, I also already met my soulmate,” he informed gravely, poking his palm with the index finger of his opposite hand. “But look. I did not get a physical mark from my romantic soulmate, but…”

Marinette knew. She didn’t want to acknowledge it, but she knew. Everybody with a physical soulmark said that you knew when it was real, when it wasn’t paint or a tattoo or anything else, because it felt real. In some intrinsic, magical, mysterious way, everyone intuitively knew if a physical mark was or wasn’t genuine.

And the little, silver bat signal on the center of Marinette’s palm was definitely genuine. Her eyes went wide at the sight of it, and the information on the holographic soulbond-board changed.

BONDED INDIVIDUALS: Bruce Wayne (AKA: Batman)

Bruce showed Marinette the small silver ladybug symbol on the exact same spot on his own palm.

And Marinette Dupain-Cheng (AKA: Ladybug)

“What the fuck?” That was Dick, who was the first to get over his shocked silence. But not very well. “What. The. Fuck? If Bruce had a familial soulmate, I would have thought it would be me. You know, first adopted son and everything,” he waved at himself, but his tone wasn’t jealous. It was just confused. “Or any of this other adopted children,” Richard gestured to the line of them next to him. “Why get a familial soulmate now? And why have two soulmates?”

The last line on the hologram began to flash insistently.

ACTIVATE SOULBOND GUIDE? (Y / N)

“I, uh, think we should click yes, Monsieur Wayne,” Marinette suggested, lifting her hand to do just that before pausing and glancing at her new (what? Father figure? Uncle figure? Oh my god if Bruce was Batman, did that mean Damian was Robin? The builds and estimated measurements matched up. Did that mean Bruce—) “Mon dieu, you’re supposed to be my father in law figure,” Marinette realized aloud, her face suddenly paper white at the realization.

“... I agree, let’s see what this ‘Soulbond guide’ is, exactly,” her familial soulmate decided to say, ignoring her realization entirely. He pressed the ‘Y’ with one finger before Marinette or his other children could protest. The silver screen changed, the text melting away in favor of showcasing a horizontal line. Until that line spoke, and moved to show the wavelengths of its voice as it did so. Like a digital mouth. Occasionally text would pop up to complement or supplement the spoken words.

“Hello. I am your SOULBOND guide, A.I.D.E, or Autonomous Introspective Destiny Escort. I am a pocket personality created by the Universe and Fate Itself as your guide and informant regarding your soul bond, and nothing but your soul bond. My knowledge may extend to some aspects of your personality, memories, background, and motives behind actions, but otherwise does not delve far beyond the specificities of your Bond. Even my knowledge of your timeline and social structure in your reality are limited. That being said, do you have any questions regarding your Bond?”

“Oh my god, it even reflects Bruce’s emotion issues,” Jason breathed, thoroughly intrigued and entertained.

“But what does that say about Marinette?” Tim shot back. “She isn’t emotionally stunted like both of her soulmates.”

Yeah, everyone agreed at that point that trying to hide their identities from the French girl was a moot point.

“No,” Marinette agreed slowly, eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t even want to ask what you mean by emotionally stunted, because if Robin is any indication…” she winced, and several people in the room chuckled. Jason outright cackled. “But after dealing with HawkMoth for so long and not being able to let out any of my negative emotions, I developed a kind of mental system I guess. I just kinda… click and delete my anger or betrayal as often as it takes, if that makes sense.”

“That is not healthy, and we will talk about that later,” Damian said instantly, not looking pleased. Marinette just shrugged and grinned at him sheepishly.

As usual, Bruce was the first to actually begin to interrog— ahem— ask questions.

“Why do we have two soul bonds?” He asked, getting right to the point.

“In your case, it is due to your alter ego BATMAN. BATMAN has been a separate part of yourself, or at the very least you have seen him as separate from yourself as Bruce Wayne, for more than eighteen years. This grants BATMAN his own soulmate, as if he were his own entity. People such as Superman do not have this attribute, as they are fully cognizant of the unity of their two identities. BATMAN’s soulmate is Marinette, a familial soulmate. In her case, Marinette is in possession of the Ladybug Miraculous, which holds the power of Creation. This, along with the fact that Marinette is what is classified as a TRUE LADYBUG and/or a CREATION SOUL, gives rise to the possibility of a second soulmate being created for her as the need arises. This was compounded by the fact that she, like you, also sees LADYBUG as being a separate person from her own identity as Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Since she has held both a true CREATION SOUL and maintained this mindframe of being two separate people for several years, LADYBUG was granted a soulmate of her own, which is you. Does that suitably answer your question?”

“The first of many,” Bruce admitted grimly, turning to Marinette. “Do you want to ask anything else, or get on with the internship?”

“Just one question today,” she answered immediately, her mind buzzing. “What does the soul bond allow us to do, and how do we activate it?”

“You can activate the Soul Screen and myself by tapping your soulmark with that intention in mind. Your abilities are as follows; Mental Communication link— a two-way telepathy activated on command only when the Bond Mark is activated. Surveillance— the ability to see through your Soulmate’s eyes through the Soul Screen in emergency situations only. Bond Text— The ability to send written messages to your Soulmate by holding onto your soul mark, imagining the contents of the text, and sending it. Nobody except your soulmate will be able to see said message, and it will appear on the palm that hosts that individual’s Soul Mark. SOS— If one member of the soul bond is in life threatening danger, the other member’s bond mark will glow and a meter showcasing the endangered member’s life force will appear next to the mark. Upon the life force extinguishing, this Bond will permanently dissolve. Resurrection, time travel, and magical Cures will not revive this Bond.”

“In other words, the Universe is calling both of you out for being reckless and is only giving you once Chance here,” Barbara surmised ruthlessly. “Good luck. Alfred, what’s for lunch?”

As everyone filed out of the room with the dissolution of the Soulbond’s novelty, Damian, Bruce, and Marinette were left standing in awkward silence. Silently, Marinette shut off the Soul Screen and A.I.D.E with it.

“... we won’t be able to keep secrets anymore,” Marinette said, seemingly just thinking out loud. “Once we activate the Soul Screen, AIDE will totally rat out any we try to keep.”

“She was my soulmate first, Father, so I’m stealing her now,” Damian said by way of warning Bruce before he picked Marinette up and carried her away. The billionaire playboy philanthropist just stared after them, wondering what the hell he did to taunt the Universe into making him the butt of all of its jokes.

He tapped his ear twice, a different bond awakening. “Selina? Please tell me you’re in town. I think I’ll crack out some of the good alcohol tonight.”

“Celebrating something?” The familiar voice purred in his ear.

“Coping.”

—*—*—*—*—* This is not at all canon to the original story, but takes place in the same universe. Just an idea I had for a second that I wanted to write a stupid one shot for. This is crack and I’m okay with that.

[casmoments]

Marriage of Convenience; part 7

Prompt: “Arranged Marriage” -  Certain factions of heaven are on your tail, the consequence of your death a trigger to greater destruction.  In order to protect your life and others, you agree to an old custom that prevents any heavenly agent from harming you.   The basic ritual?  You have to marry an angel.  Final part in the series.   Reader Gender: female Word Count: 5640 Warnings:  technically reader death but only the aftermath, not the process (cause/time of death is ambiguous).  flashbacks to when the reader was first captured by angels, though.   some true form!castiel as well.  

part one ; part two ; part three ; part four ; part five ; part six 

-

“Oh my god,” you say, mere moments after dying—sitting in heaven and you already blaspheme.  Something like fondness curls in the film of his being, slithering down every wisping stem of his essence.   The sensation tickles the underside of two faces, a curl of a smile on one head.

“No,” he says, the sound on the tips of his wings as he brushes them over you, “just me.”

You’re very small next to him.   A human soul is no bigger than the human that was,  but yours is blown wide, augmented by his grace.   It has melded into your being like something that always belonged there.   Your soul is thus small and not miniscule in comparison.   If he was human and you a subject, you’d look like a doll in his hand.

But neither of you are either thing.   He’s chaos and light and sound, rendered to something tangible in this odd dimension, with three heads and two arms and two legs, and blinking eyes running the length of every limb.   Two vast wings stretch behind him, greater versions of what he showed you long ago on earth.   The winding blue flames which circled ivory wings now cover the expanse of his back.   It licks around him and sometimes looks more like water than fire, and you might swear it reflects starlight like quiet waters under open sky.

You are warmth and sound, golden and soft next to his whirling blue fire and white light.  You best resemble a single flame, yellow and flickering, but your own being slowly bleeds through, even in this divine place.   Your soul begins to manifest to a human face.  

You’re perched before him in a garden which revolves underfoot.   You sit on a branch—it’s the only thing that sits still.  

“Oh, Castiel,” you say, “there is nothing just about you.”  

Golden colours slip around you like a translucent gown as your body takes shape where you sit.   You tip your head and look at him quizzically, glowing gold eyes roaming his form.    You look directly at his middle head.    “Is there a face under there?”

“No,” he replies, that same fondness slipping through him.   “That is my face.”

“Oh.”

His middle face appears to have a veil draped over it, a vague shape of a human head beneath it.   Of course, there is no beneath or atop, that is simply his entire face.   On its left sits the face of a bird.  It’s no specific bird as it seemingly changes at every angle.    On the right sits the head of some wild cat, something like a panther with thicker and coarser hair, though coloured brightly as the rest of him, and likely softer than it looks.   Other than the endless eyes, his arms and legs extend as a human’s might, albeit connected to a much bigger and stronger body shape.    It must be to support those wings.  

“Do I please you?” he asks.   He moves onto one knee in genuflection, and even though you sit at a very high vantage, it only just puts you at eye level.

Your body has taken its full shape now, its outward age the same as the day you married.  The translucent gold sheet still wraps around you and the iris of your eyes remain gold in colour.   Other than that, you are familiar where he knows he is not.

But you smile and lean forward, looking him over.

“Yes,” you say, “very much.”  

He lifts a hand to where you sit, placing it against the tree and not you.   It’s a timid offering for you to touch him if you like.  Considering he could easily crush something your size in one hand, he knows better than to suddenly grab at you like a plaything.   He won’t hurt you, but it could startle you.

You stare at his fingers for a moment.   His hands are somewhat human-shaped, and the eyes running down his arm end at his wrist, but something fiery seems to run over his knuckles, and his nails are more claw-like than any human.   For a moment, you just stare, then tentatively reach out and lay your whole palm against him.   When you make contact, wires of gold shoot up beneath your hand, running along his form like veins.   You snatch your hand back with a yelp, looking at him in concern.

“It is all right,” he says, inching his hand closer.   “That is how we are.”

He sees your understanding.  As his grace fills you, so does your soul fill him, bound from the celestial consummation which marked you as husband and wife.  

The golden threads fade and you place your hand to him again.  There is a faint pulse where they show again, but it disappears even as your hand remains.   You smile, running your hand back and forth.  

“You sound different here,” you say, looking up at him.   “But it’s pretty.”  

Pretty is probably an understatement.   He shifts so he kneels completely before your tree, each head fixated on you.

“This is how Enochian should sound,” he says.   You look bemused again.

“Are you speaking Enochian?   It just sounds like—”   You don’t continue; you can’t continue.  Sound is just sound, as redundant as that thought is.    You shrug.   “Am I speaking Enochian?”

“No.  You can if you wish.”

“That’s good to know.   I guess.”   You are not capable of blushing here.  There is no blood in your body-like form to alter it.   But he wraps his second hand beneath the branch you sit on, and there is open affection in his many gazes.

“Your cheeks pinken often,” he says.   You touch your face as if a blush sits there.

“What?  No, they don’t!”  You smile before the protest ends.  “Yes, they do,” you confess.   You’re thoughtful for a moment, looking away.   You look at him when you speak again.   “You told me I would be scared of your true form.”  

“I thought it might frighten,” he says.  “I am pleased it does not.”  

“Me too,” you say with a warm smile.   “But I don’t think I could ever be scared of you.”

“I thought you were,” he says, one of his head ducking in shame, “once.”

“What?”  You have never heard this story and you look at him confusedly.  There are traces of amusement on your face, however, as you see him recoiling with embarrassment.   Angels should not feel embarrassment—but then, they should not feel many things he does.     “What do you mean you thought I was scared of you?  When?”

“In the beginning.”

“Tell me.”

He does.

He remembers the warehouse where he first found you.   Until that night, he had not even realized a new prophet existed.   A gang of corrupted seraphim must have activated one, their dark purpose immediately clear as Castiel followed their trail.

Though he never received a clear explanation of how he came upon their trail at all.  They had quieted your prayers, preventing you from reaching anyone no matter your efforts.   But a whisper somehow reached him, transferred across cosmic wavelengths without explanation, planted right in his head so he might find you.

Castiel set on the mission by himself.  He would not burden the Winchesters with an endeavour beyond them.   They were already crippled by an obvious misery, memories of past failures.   Castiel felt much of that, feeling it beneath the skin of his vessel as it bled into his very being.   Responsibility, disappointment, heartbreak, and a terrifying despair if he failed that day.

Such unending chaos, unending hurt.  

Only two angels held you in captivity, awaiting a summons from their superiors.   Castiel easily vanquished one but released the second, not wishing for more bloodshed.   The angel taunted him for his sentimentalities, but even then Castiel ignored him.   Only when he saw how you had been treated did he reel.   When the angel came at him again, he finished the mutilated shadow of divinity.   He mentally recited but one lament, that for the human vessels not spared.

Then he was at your side, helping you from your frightened position.   You had curled in on yourself, protecting your body from further injury.   The damage done looked worse than it was, though the shock of it all had broken you.   Castiel touched you very carefully, even then you cried out in protest and tried to break from his arms.  

“I won’t hurt you,” he promised, though his gruff voice may have startled you. He slid his hands past your protesting fists and cupped your cheeks, allowing a remedy to spread through your body.  

Your panic settled, bliss falling with the physical relief.   When he touched his hand to your mouth, healing the sensitive injuries more directly, you groaned into his palm—a very pleased moan that rumbled down an unfamiliar nerve.

“Is that better?” he asked when it was completed.  

You slumped against him, all but collapsing in his arms.   He remained on his knees, your body slanted against his, but he looked down when you looked up.

“Thank you,” you said, spoken with such sincerity.  He felt a thrum of something like affection.  You had placed unabashed trust in his presence.  It felt good to feel the embrace of someone who thought him unremittingly pure of character, a protector as he should have been.   He had failed in many regards but your gaze perceived someone who had not.  

But it did not last.

Time saw these sentiments flitter away.   And for the best.   It was wrong of him to indulge in good feelings for the sake of their simplicity.   Nor did he deserve it, anyway.  

Castiel observed your nature in the bunker, your demure character giving way to someone more boisterous once you were comfortable.   But you were never comfortable around him.   While you welcomed Sam and Dean into your circle, Castiel read your distance as fear.   A wall stood between you and him so he remained dutifully behind it, even if a bitter and jealous sting affected him.   He had found you and helped you, had been the first to hold you, but it was others who reaped the benefit.   But he quickly quelled those thoughts; you were an individual and deserved greater respect than such crude thinking.   It was not his place to gain anything.  

And, truly, it pleased him to see you so happy.  To see the Winchesters so happy.  

He recalled a particular visit to the bunker, early in your stay.   He materialized in the library but found it empty.   There was a scuffle echoing down the corridor, laughter and shouting and iron clattering.   Curious, Castiel ventured forth.   He followed the sounds to the kitchen where he stopped in the doorway.   His eyebrows lifted as he looked on in surprise.  

The room was completely upside down.  Pots and pans were littered across the floor while dishcloths  were suspended from lighting rigs.  Vials of food colouring stained the floor in multi-coloured patterns and it looked as though a bakery had exploded at the centre table.  

You were in the middle of it, the Winchesters as well.   You were hurling flour at one another, forgotten dough sitting on a cutting board.  All three of you were washed in white flour.   Castiel turned the corner just in time to witness Dean pouring a bowl of chocolate mix over Sam’s head.

“Dean!” Sam hollered.

You were beside yourself in hysterics, draped over the table and laughing.   The brothers became occupied with wrestling each other, smacking one another with flour and bits of dough while you watched and laughed to your heart’s content.  

Though Sam and Dean were vastly amusing, Castiel found his gaze straying.   He looked at you though you had yet to notice him.   Your smiles always compelled him to watch longer.

He admitted there was a race to his bloodstream, albeit beyond control.   A warmth spread across his chest and for a moment he remained there, standing in the doorway and looking at you.   Your hair fell from its messy up-do, caked in sugar and flour, your cheeks powdered white and a streak of pink icing across your forehead.

It was incredible to think you were the same girl once curled on a basement floor, a stranger to all three of them.  How much had changed and yet how much had not.   You were still more stranger than friend despite the growing desire to change that completely.   He wished to speak with you, wished to make you laugh as you laughed now, and because he was an unfettered excuse for angel, a patchwork creature felted of heaven and human, he could not help but admire your smiling lips and kicking legs, the wiggle of your hips and curve of your figure as you bent over the table.  

It was the first time his thoughts of you wandered to carnality—but not the last.

As he relates this chapter of his story, you slide to the edge of your branch to look at him better.   His wings have wrapped completely around the tree, one hand gripping your branch and the other holding the trunk.   He pauses in his account to asses you, wondering of your intentions.   You look at the ever-changing ground and then at him.

“Can you hold me?” you ask.

He eagerly offers his hand, having been waiting for you to ask such a thing.   You drop into his hold, not even blinking as you let yourself fall.  He catches you then sits back, allowing you to walk over his hands.   You move onto your hands and knees, bending over to look at the eyes on his arm.   Then you sit back in his palm and look up at him, smiling.  

“Continue,” you say.

He does so, perhaps with a greater strain now that you are in proximity.   And, of course, his story unfolds with more decadence than any angel should hold.

One day he happened to appear in the kitchen just as you bent right over, unwittingly flashing him a sudden view up your dress.    He didn’t move for a moment, taken back.   He hadn’t braced himself for that.   When he realized what was happening, he panicked, flying from the room.   He aimed for the library and succeeded—at the cost of smashing right into the table.   He toppled a chair and almost took himself down.  

You came running into the room, the skirt of your dress billowing.

“Castiel,” you said, already flushed.   You seemed embarrassed.  Did you know?   Did you know that he invaded your space and then remained there while you unknowingly revealed your more private attributes?  

“Y/N,” he said after a moment.   “Are Sam and Dean here?”

He knew they were not.   He meant to check on you.   You had been alone in the bunker for over a week.    

You shook your head, looking at him a bit strangely.  You were too polite to question his odd behaviour.

“No, they’re—”

“Oh,” he said quickly, “I apologize.”

He promptly fled the scene.

He fought to return to his previous state, a simpler state.   He liked to hear about you.   He liked to see you.   He liked the things he learned, your stories and habits, and there were other things he wished to discover.  Granted, he learned these things second-hand, through Sam and Dean.  But he enjoyed them nonetheless.   It was a fond acknowledgement, a tender affection.   An innocent curiosity.    Nothing more.

And then he joined the Winchesters on a hunt, waiting in their motel room while they dined elsewhere.    He turned on the television, idly flipping stations.   He momentarily thought of you, wondering if he should check on you.   Perhaps not.    He continued surfing the television instead, always a bit curious to see what he might find.

He froze after flicking to a pornographic channel, blinking at the screen.   His usual reactions were absent, a derisive glance or quirked eyebrow.                                                    His first foray into pornography had been baffling, to say the least.   He understood the concept of intercourse but the details of certain partnerships escaped him.    Those details were clarified but didn’t make particular sense.   After that, he had a low regard for most of it.  

It was still quite farcical but his vessel grew taut, human senses overpowering his angelic ones.   It was a faint sensation, gradually evolving.   It was difficult to reverse.   Especially with his eyes locked on the screen.  

It just—it so happened to be that this particular actress resembled you in a certain fashion.   His thoughts would not have strayed had the scenario been different.  But this unfortunate coincidence was very difficult to shake.  

The woman tossed her head back, a cry of ecstasy on her lips.   Castiel thought of laughter, another human response, and suddenly matched the two expressions.   A poor development, honestly.  He could now imagine such an expression on your face, lips pink and upturned with a delirious smile.   Ecstasy—

He turned off the television when the Winchesters stumbled back in.   They didn’t notice anything but Castiel excused himself, reappearing a block away.   He felt the evening breeze, his vessel alerting him to every sensation.   He peered through a narrowed perception, down at his own body.   This was not the appropriate time to become aroused.  And certainly not the appropriate reason.  

After that night, it did occur him that he should better understand these responses and ideas if he wanted to overcome them.   And he really needed to overcome them.  

The next time he visited, he recalled his previous thoughts and felt something like shame.   You would be appalled if you could hear his musings.   Not only did every thought once exist but they lingered.  

He may have tuckered through a moment with you, had you not wandered into the library wearing nothing but a long t-shirt.   You clearly just rose from sleep, something so natural and human, your body rolling through its cycles.   A body which made him very aware.

Needless to say, a whole slew of thoughts piled on him at that one moment—your skirt lifting as you bent over, a breathless moan on your lips, your head thrown back in ecstasy, and you nestled in your bed with a simple garment wrapped around your body.    

“Castiel?” you asked.   “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for Sam and Dean,” he lied, careful to stand behind a chair.   The last thing he needed was you seeing was his traitorous cock protesting at its material confines.   He stood very still, breathing.   Not breathing in any particular fashion, but breathing.

“They went out,” you replied.

“Oh,” he said.   “I’m sorry if I disturbed you.  Goodbye.”

“Uh, bye—”

He tried to detach you from his thoughts as he researched humans and their oh-so vast sexual escapades.   You may have inadvertently encouraged this venture, but he only embarked upon it so he could better understand it.   The more he knew, the easier it would be to divest himself of it.  

He actually thought himself a decent success, not once debasing himself to any human level.   His vessel didn’t enjoy his purposeful avoidance, but he learned to control its urges.

At least until visiting yet another day.   Sam and Dean were gone and he was checking in, but he couldn’t find you anywhere.   He strolled the halls and paused as he neared your bedroom.   He would not just waltz in, obviously, though he did freeze when he heard noise inside.   He stepped a bit closer to the door, brow furrowed.  For a moment it sounded like you were in pain and he almost knocked.

Then he realized.

He stood still, feeling a physical drop as his vessel tightened around him.   You were moaning in pleasure, bedsheets rustling beneath your moving body as you so clearly pleased yourself on the other side of that door.   Castiel leaned against the wall, suddenly feeling very heavy.   He furrowed his brow and looked down, almost groaning at how quickly his vessel had hardened.   Was he so weak a creature after all?

He pushed away from the wall, moving to the other end of the corridor.   He leaned back, flexing his fingers.   He contemplated leaving, perhaps going to heaven, but he couldn’t find the willpower.   His blood was pumping hotly and it all moved south, his cock almost hurting with how desperately hard it was, trapped in his clothes.    He did eventually manage to fly, but he only made it to a bathroom on the other side of the bunker.  

He all but collapsed against the counter, with a ragged groan submitting himself to the habits of humans.   He opened his belt and then his pants, breathing out in relief when he pushed his hand down and freed the frustratingly needy erection which waited there.   He clutched the edge of the counter, panting but otherwise keeping his volume down.   He made a few half-hearted attempts to clear his mind, moving his hand over his cock in the appropriate fashion.

It was no use.   When he came, your image was plastered everywhere in his mind.   He recalled you moaning into his hand that day you met—morphing into a mental image of you sprawled beneath him, similar noises tumbling from your lips as you spread your legs and called him to you.

After cleaning up, he simply flew from the bunker and did not return.   He didn’t visit you when you were alone anymore.   Clearly, he had to keep his distance.

“I can’t believe you never told me that,” you say now, sprawled across his hand and looking up at him.   His heads have turned aside but he directs them to you, eyes likewise blinking in your direction.

“I thought it might embarrass you,” he says, a cord of blue flame twining from his wing, teasing at your body.   You laugh, squirming as you roll away.   He holds you carefully.  

“It would have then,” you admit, “but I think I would have liked it.”

“I know,” he says, a second strand of his grace dancing over you.   This time you lean toward it, humming contently as it caresses you.   “I know very well the things you like.”  

You would be blushing again if you could.

“What about when we married then?” you ask, laying on your stomach.  You prop your chin in your hand and kick your legs, tipping your head as you look at him.   “Were you happy when you found out we had to get married?”

“If I ever was, it caused guilt.”

“Guilt!  Why?”

“I thought you disliked me,” he replies.  “I thought you feared me.   It would be selfish to feel happiness at the arrangement if it would upset you.”

“It made me happy,” you say softly.   You rest your head when more of his grace rolls over you, covering you sweetly.  

“A fact I soon realized,” he says.

He remembers your wedding night very well.   He had been so concerned with hurting you, and then you revealed you were a virgin he felt even worse for intruding on your potential life.   It was not until he had you beneath his hands did he begin to wonder if he had been a fool.   Your body responded keenly to his touch, and he saw you fighting to stifle your gasps.   It could not be contained for long, your hips lifting so he would slide his hand beneath you, a tremble in your body as he touched you and felt how you desired him.

Then you were on your back, willingly spreading your legs as you encouraged his advance.   He settled over you and wondered.  He recalled your reactions the first day you met.   You were rattled from your ordeal so he never blamed you  for your hesitancy.   But as he looked at you then, pink-cheeked and shy and embarrassed, unable to meet his eye as you shifted beneath him, he wondered if that held true once before.   Perhaps you did not move away in fear, perhaps you did not avoid his gaze in worry.   Perhaps his own infatuation had commenced that day.   Perhaps you reciprocated.  

Perhaps was a heavy word, saturated with so much possibility, yet he found its use persistent.   For perhaps it was preposterous to imagine any sort of infatuation rooting so early in a story, yet he supposed everything had to start somewhere.  

He was so used to chaos and catastrophe, to the sinister and ugly.  He knew all about small problems snowballing into cataclysms of unmatched proportion.   He never thought something which in itself was quiet and affectionate could begin somewhere even smaller and blossom softly.   He wouldn’t know how to proceed much further.   In heaven, there was only the Will and the Way.   On earth, there was only pain and, if not pain, worry for the next mission.   He was the perpetual soldier.

It was unusual to feel himself falling into something brighter.

As his body had almost entirely overcome his senses, he had mere scraps of grace on the surface of his being.  The deeper levels would be breached at the celestial consummation, one that would bind you to him for eternity.   Of the outermost remains, he used all of it to make the experience more comfortable for you.  He carefully aligned his body to yours as he filled you for the first time.   He offered to leave the consummation at that—but you brought an end to his wonderings and hooked your leg around him, with a smile inviting he continue.  

He did, of course, thinking how happily he would continue for however so long you wanted him.    And it seemed you did want him, as mere hours later you were rolling back into his arms, requesting he make love to you.   He had lain behind you for hours, not sleeping but watching, touching your hair, your skin, careful not to wake you, content to be with you.   And then he had you wrapped around him again.

It all felt so good until morning came.  Uncertainty returned as you woke hazily, seeming almost frightened again.  Instinct kicked in, the same which had always protected him, and he retreated with pitiful shame, thinking he had pushed himself to the outskirts of your affection again.  

Until your emotional confession in the evening.   When he had you in his arms again, he was certain to pry every secret from your lips, confirm your wanting of him, and swear to himself that he would love every inch of you and never again allow petty insecurities to stand between you.

“You did a very good job of loving me, you know,” you speak again now, sitting on the edge of his hand.    You cling to him as he moves, laying on the spinning earth-like ground.   Your feet touch the grass and he remains on his side, watching as you roam in a circle near to him.    “Where are we?” you ask, looking up at his wing as it folds at his side, the tip reaching you.    You stand on your toes and touch it.  

“Your heaven,” he replies.  “You have two.   Prophets are blessed with an awareness of all heaven; you can come and go as you please.   This is a place for you to roam, but you have a personal space which resembles an earthly memory.”

“Oh,” you say.   A flash of gold moves through him when you sidle alongside him, pressing into his torso.   His wing slides further over you, gently keeping you against him.    You remain there for a moment, smoothing your hand over him as his grace likewise touches your hair.   It’s difficult to measure time in this place, but you linger for quite a while.   Then you sit up, touching his wing.   “Can we see the other heaven?”

“Of course.”

He stands in mere seconds, lifting you off the ground and holding you in front of him.   His wings seem to explode around him, flying up and spreading wide, so wild and bright it’s almost blinding—even here where you have nothing to properly blind.

You close your eyes anyway.   When you open them, you feel something flat beneath your bare feet.   You look around and realize you’re in your bedroom at the bunker.

“Home,” you murmur.   You shiver when you hear the flap of wings, much smaller and very familiar.   You turn around and see Castiel, standing in the shape of his vessel.   The gold thread which draped over you before remains, but as material now.   Likewise is he wrapped in something sheer and blue.   Though you don’t think you have a beating heart, you swear it races as he approaches you.  

He doesn’t say anything and you don’t need him to.  He takes your face in his hands as he did the day you met and he kisses you.   You feel the fabric fall from your body and then his.   Every sensation is heightened to the extreme, a tremor running through your entire form as his hands slide down your body.   You lean against him as he kisses down your neck, hands smoothing over your backside.   You squeak, smacking his chest when he squeezes your bottom.

“Cas,” you giggle.   He nips at your shoulder then lifts his head, smiling fondly.   “Always such trouble,” you say in Enochian.

In reply, he lifts you off the ground.  Thinking of his true form, all that strength makes sense.   You wrap your arms around his shoulders, your legs his waist, and you hold onto him when he lays you back on the bed.   His mouth moves down your body while his hands settle under your thighs.   He pushes them apart, breaking your hold on his waist.   You tremble and start to breathe when his lips scour your inner thigh, tracing familiar paths.    

“Castiel,” you breathe his name, lifting your hips as he teases you.   You moan with blissful relief when his mouth moves where you need it.    He brings you to climax quickly and, as usual, you expect a breather.  As usual, that doesn’t happen.   You make a high-pitched noise as he continues his assault, your body bending as you partly lift off the bed with your second orgasm.   “Cas,” you moan raggedly, because he isn’t stopping.   He turns you over and lifts your hips, and then his mouth returns.   “Ugh, this isn’t different—” you say, but you say it with a smile.

Your smile is broken with surprise when you feel him slide inside you, fingers still swirling over your throbbing and sensitive clit.   You finish in seconds, pulsing around him and listening as he breathes and grunts with every thrust.   He holds your hips with both hands, pitching almost erratically against you.   You clench around him and he comes, fingers digging into your hips.   You slump forward with hazy delight when he pulls away.   You slide onto your stomach, laying there for a moment.   You turn your head to look at him and you anticipate a tired, content look.

But it still blazes with desire, his hand running down your back.  

Your body recovers quicker here.  You suppose it does for him too.    He rolls you onto your side and, still a bit delirious, you grab at him messily.    He doesn’t seem to mind, hoisting your leg around his waist as his cock presses at your entrance.   You take hold of him, aligning him, mimicking his low sound when he fills you again.    You have each other in that position and then he rolls you onto your back.   His thrusts fill you differently, almost better, but he swallows your sounds with a hard kiss.

He makes you come again, following moments after, and you swear you see white for a moment.  

Then you’re settled in his arms.   His wings, scaled to a reasonable proportion again, unfold around him as he lays on his side.   He draws you against him and you nestle your head against his chest, breathing in as his wing slides over you.  

“So how do you think you heard my prayer?” you ask, thinking to the beginning of his story, how he heard your prayer when you were taken captive.  

He kisses the top of your head then breathes out.

“I don’t know,” he answers honestly, that familiar rough voice sounding in your ears.

“Can we go back to that other place for a bit?” you ask.  As much as you adore this form, you’re almost starting to miss his other one.  

No sooner has his wing moved do you feel yourself standing.   Gold wraps around you again, a part of your essence here, and you stand while he waits on one knee before you.   He still towers over you.   You lift one hand and he takes that as indication, picking you up.  

Before long, you’re sitting on his shoulder.  You felt a bit ridiculous at first but you adjusted quickly.   You touch one of his faces and he makes what must be a pleased sound.  

“Do you think you were sent to save me?” you ask, sliding off his shoulder and into his hands as he lays down again.   You curl up on his chest, his wings folding around you.    The flame is bright blue, amplified by the white beneath it.  

“Cherished wife,” he says, all his phrases a bit different in pure Enochian, but the compliment no less welcome.   You shudder when you suddenly feel much more, a whirl of emotion beneath his chest as a thousand different feelings unfold beneath you.   Most of them are unpleasant and you wonder why he shares them, but they soon bleed into something much warmer, and then it blisters hot in the most wonderful way.    You think of his story, beginning with worries and fears, ending here.   You understand, the essence of your soul almost completely bleeding into his grace.   Gold flickers in his wings above you like stars in the blue.    “You can see,” he says, “who was sent to save whom.”

castiel x reader masterpost

[cartoonfangirl1218]

Saying Goodbye

Ignoring how sad the title sounds, this is young Estenaomi idea where it is after The Last Laugh and Naomi goes through her choice to become her own captain and her lack of goodbyes. Well I wrote how Esteban would react to this and so.... here it is. 

Torches and lights flashed in the club, Legumbras. The place was filled to the brim with Ávilan citizens and excited tourists ready for the week of fiestas to celebrate the Navidad season. 

"Party time!!" A tan-skinned girl with a short skirt rivaling a prostitute's burst through the door. Her dark hair bounced around wildly as she jumped and danced with the crowd and smiled at all the wolf-whistlers.

Yep this place was nothing like Avalor. Not that Avalor didn’t have its fair share of clubs, but the clothing people wore when they went out clubbing...let’s just say it seemed the teenagers were worried about getting caught by their parents.

Not that Esteban minded the view too much but he was here for a specific reason and was eager to return home once his business here was finished.

He just hoped that he could convince a certain someone to return with him. The crowd resumed their dancing from the interruption, the man was about to shrug off the newcomers when he spotted the girl he was looking for.

Her lighter skin tone and blonde hair made her stand out among the Avilan citizens, branding her a newcomer to the area, but her gaze was anything but an awestruck, partying tourist.

She was different, but then again Naomi was always different from anyone else Esteban knew.

She held her head high, and stood with poise, her eyes seemed to spark mischievously with challenge anyone toward near her. She looked confident in a way that she hadn’t been when she was in Avalor. She looked like the captain she said she wanted to be. She looked in charge and satisfied with herself.

Another thing that interested Esteban was unlike most of the tourists who were looking to let loose and dress provocatively, Naomi’s dress- her usual vest, white peasant blouse, and long teal skirt- covered her entire body but not in a prudish way, it hugged all the right places. 

She looked all so familiar and changed all at once. He wanted to start up their usual banter yet he also felt unsure of how this new her would react.

Before Esteban could work up a plan of introducing himself, Naomi’s scan of the room rested on him. She looked at him briefly as if she was confused and then her eyes moved away.

S-she.. No maybe it was too dark.. It wasn’t possible that she?

Esteban’s heart deflated and the rest of his body followed suit as he slumped against the bar. If Naomi didn’t remember him, there was no chance he would be able to convince her to come to Avalor to the holidays.

There was no way for him to tell her how much he missed her.

Esteban was about to gulp down another drink in sorrow when he was aggressively hugged from behind, sloshing his drink all over himself and making him fall off his seat.

He jumped, batting the offending hands away as he took in what just happened.

He saw Naomi's smirking face, her freckles more pronounced than ever, seemed to be winking at him like tiny stars just as her blue eyes shone with happiness.

Esteban felt his knees buckle as he saw her face up close again. The face that he had come to adore in its various expressions, anger, annoyance, mischievousness, happiness, suspicion, joy, all directed at him at one time or another.

“N-Naomi” Esteban stuttered, cursing his voice for choosing that moment to crack. He couldn’t help it, now that he was with her again.

“Ha, you should have seen your face!” Naomi hooted, playfully slapping him on the shoulder, “You really thought I could ever forget you? I swear I hear your voice in my head every day telling me not to do whatever crazy plan I’m doing. But I don’t listen. As usual.”

Esteban couldn’t help but laugh along with her, his body relaxing in her presence as it usually did. He always felt at ease with her. Though his heart was anything but at ease when Naomi mentioned that she thought of his voice.

She thought of his voice every day?

“Well I wasn’t sure since you left so unexpectedly.” Esteban admitted, giving the sentence more meaning than he intended. Naomi’s lighthearted joke nature faded, clearly seeing the feelings that he never was able to hide on his face. Sometimes he cursed himself for how expressive he was, but now he really wanted to hear her answer.

When Elena announced at the Grand Council meeting that Naomi had left to go pursue her dream of becoming her own captain and sailing the seas, it was all Esteban could do not to run to the docks and beg her to stay. Not that it would have mattered since she had apparently left by then but still.

The knowledge that she left already struck him like a physical blow. He had thought if she ever left she would have at least said goodbye. Esteban never said it in many words but Naomi was one of the few people who understood him. And by that, he meant every part of him. She knew his secrets, his dreams, his fears, his bad side and his good. They were on the same wavelength and shared so much in common.

He had thought they were too different to ever get along as evidenced by their constant disagreements but that changed as he got to know her better and she, him. While she initially appeared very confident, she understood the feeling of knowing not to be destined for greatness like Elena but she still wants to make an impact on the world. Be something special. She understood wanting to be able to prove himself somehow and have their efforts be recognized. She understood that though he snarked, it was a shield to hide their more emotional moments. She helped him to learn to laugh at himself and not be so serious. Though they tended to disagree, on a base level, they actually agree on the most important things which is why they stuck by each other through thick and thin.

She had been one of the only people who believed that he was responsible enough to take more work on the Grand Council, vouching for him in front of his abuelos. She believed in him and it made him want to prove her right.

They had bonded and Esteban admitted to himself, he thought they bonded into something past friendship. At least on his side.

That’s why he had thought to come here. To confront her for leaving without saying goodbye, and to tell her that he loved her. He hoped it would be enough to convince her that she should come home for a time, see that she could be the captain of her own ship that just happened to be indefinitely docked in Avalor.

Naomi looked uncharacteristically uneasy at Esteban’s question, her eyes kept glancing down before she forced herself to look back up. “I didn’t mean not to say goodbye, it’s just.. I- It’s difficult to explain.”

“Heh, you sure about that? I’m the king of difficult to explain stuff. Maybe I can understand.” Esteban said softly, placing a hand on her shoulder.

Simultaneously taking seats next to each other, Naomi nodded and began, “It’s just that.. While I am so grateful for my time on the council, that time capsule letter and being with Veronica made me realize. I have other dreams I wanted to explore, and I owe it to my younger self to do it. I mean sailing the seas.. There is something that exploring does for me. It proves to myself that I can trust my instincts and be my own leader. I feel like an adult, I guess, but it’s more than that. I feel all the insecurities and doubts I had go away. I’ve been proving to myself one day at a time that I know things, my self worth is not connected to my status position, I am capable. It’s just freeing.

Esteban’s arguments and bold love declaration flew out of his head at that explanation. He understood what she was saying. He, too, wanted a chance to explore on his own and felt that exploring could be the path that led him to become satisfied with himself, away from his insecurities because those experiences would allow him to know that he could handle anything life threw in his way.

And looking at her, he could see it had been working. He had seen her confident before, but she looked free and again, satisfied. She had no worries or burdens on her because she trusted herself and loved what she was doing.

He couldn’t begrudge her that.

“I think I get that.” Esteban nodded his head looking at his boots.

Naomi’s voice made him look up, “Not that I shouldn’t have said goodbye. I should have. It’s just... “ A blush began crawling up her neck and on the tips of her ears, “I thought maybe.. I care about you, Esteban. I’ve been thinking about you, and seeing you here I want to be where you are. I feel comfortable, and if I saw you I-” 

Hope rose in Esteban’s chest as he listened to her words and the meaning implied. Basically she didn’t say goodbye because she was afraid he would convince her to stay?

“I wouldn’t keep you from fulfilling your dream. I mean, if anything I would have joined you. You know how much I love sailing.”

She glanced at him, her lips curved into a small fleeting smile, “What if you did just that? You join me on my ship?”

Esteban looked at her bright ocean blue eyes, the hope and seriousness in her gaze matched his own full of hope and grinding gears in his head. Thousands of possibilities spun out in his head, the one at the forefront? Him and her taking on the world together.

It was all he could ever want.

“You want me too?” “I would love you to. We’re always better together.”

Esteban had meant to convince her to come home for Navidad but now, he had a distinct feeling that a Navidad spent with the smell of salty seas and seashell wreaths would beat the roaring fire Navidads he had throughout his life.

For this Navidad, he was with Naomi.

[edelgoth]

matchup trade with princessofalmyra

@princessofalmyra here you go!! thank you for offering to do this, i really appreciate it!! also reading your profile was Wild we have a lot in common fkljfdlkjdf

i decided to go with two romantic matchups and one platonic one!! <3 these got really long so i’ve just stuck it all under the cut 

so, romantically, i match you with...

claude!!

i think claude would be a fantastic fit for you, both platonically and romantically!! but i think he’s the person you’d be most compatible with in three houses, so i’ll gear this matchup to be romantic 

firstly, i think he hits a lot of the same beats as your ideal partner! he’s a very intelligent, insightful person, and i think you two’d be on the same wavelength there  

he’s definitely intelligent enough to keep up with you, and i think it would be possible for him to keep you on your toes? 

and, while it’s not as obvious as his other traits, claude is very patient; hell, just the fact that he’s slowly plodding towards his goals through the entire game without showing any signs of annoyance or impatience is a pretty good argument for that

and claude’s definitely the type of person who would be honest with you, and would call you out whenever you wrote yourself of. basically? i kind of think he’s the perfect man! 

i think he would be quite drawn to you because of the initial vibe you give off; you’re smart, which is a positive in his book, but you’re also quiet enough that he’d presume you had secrets. and finding out secrets is kind of his thing

and to his delight, it’s not necessarily secrets he discovers, but a mind that can keep up with his. and really, he thinks it’s silly that he even suspected you even had secrets in the first place for how 

and i think he’d really love the fact that you’re both complex and an open book!! he’s, of course, very secretive, but i think he’d admire your approach; it’s something very refreshing for him, after a life spent protecting himself from the duplicity of people’s words and their intentions 

i think you have a lot similarities, but good ones!! the sort of similarities that mean you’d feel like kindred spirits!! 

for one, you’re both agents of chaos; i can see the two of you getting up to all sorts of antics, and having some of the best inside jokes and memes. claude would absolutely send you a harem of memes and cursed images for airdropping purposes 

but you also have an intellectual compatibility! you’re both very intelligent, and i think that would help keep things interesting between you.

the most analytical couple about, tbh,,, you guys are always analyzing something, and you always have something interesting to talk about. 

admittedly, i think overthinking is problem you both run into. but, the potential positive is that you’d probably be able to identify that behaviour in each other quite well; meaning you can hopefully break the more overwhelming thought patterns 

and on a more shallow level, you guys would be a very stylish couple? like you both have The Best Aesthetic (your fashion sense sounds I N C R E D I B L E btw), and you’d be very visually striking! 

but for all your similarities, i think there is also an important balance between the two of you.

for one, i think you’re a lot more gentle and sensitive than him. i think claude seems like the sort of person who can distance himself from the emotionality of a situation (idk if i explained that well, but i think a good example is how he uses cyril as an example of an almyran in his speech to the golden deer, even though cyril is uncomfortable with it) 

so, having you around would help ground him a bit in that regard, i think; your thoughtful and caring nature would help ground a lot of his ideals, if that makes sense? he’s already quite humanistic imo, but he’s not that tert-fe approach that’s a little distant; and i kind of feel like your worldview would help instill compassion into his own approach (i have no idea if this paragraph makes sense i am so sorry)

i think claude is the type of person who would always be reminding you of your own worth; while he admires how much you do for others, and that you tend to put their needs before your own, he’s always quick to remind you to take care of yourself every once in a while. but he’s never pushy or preachy; he always finds clever little ways of expressing that concern to you. 

he would love how passionate you are!! he’s very focused on his own dreams, but i think he tends to hold back how passionate he is about them in favour of a more laidback persona. so, i think he’d really enjoy seeing the passion you brought to things!!

because he’s a nerd tm he’d probably stay up in the library with you when you get really into your readings; he’d probably ask a lot of questions (and get really annoying about it), but it’s just because he wants to share in your interests!!

and i think he’d also love hearing any facet of your inner world you had to share! he’d find it all very fascinating, and he’d appreciate the insight it would give him . and honestly, since he’s so well-read, analytical and observant himself, it would surprise me if he didn’t have his own rich inner world tbh. 

you’re both quite insightful and introspective, and i think that could foster a good amount of understanding between the two of you; and i think that can be very important!! especially because i think he might be able to help you put words to the abstract 

i think claude’s a good person to turn to when you’re doubting yourself. once claude trusts someone, he puts their upmost faith in them; his unshakable belief in you and the things you’re capable of could serve as a tether during those depressive episodes. and while he may not be the best with expressing his true feelings in words, i’m convinced that he’d do all he can to support you and let you know you’re valued. 

absolutely a battle of wills when you get stubborn though. those would certainly make for some interesting moments in your relationship. but i feel like claude would actually kind of enjoy the challenge and difference in perspectives that could bring; which is a very entp thing if you ask me alkjfsdljsdkjl

he absolutely teases you for having your head up in the clouds. he boops your nose whenever you seem to be daydreaming, and always asks you what you were thinking. half the time, he guesses that you were thinking about him

i can also see him teasing you for being too trusting, but that comes from a place of concern. claude isn’t the type who likes to lecture or to tell you what to do; just like when he wants to you look after yourself for a change, he’ll find subtler ways to let you know that he’s worried about you. 

i think claude would really appreciate the fact that you were trustworthy. he can struggle a bit with sincerely opening up to people, and he has a tendency to mistrust others. knowing that he can rely on you, and that you keep your promises, would be a big thing for him! 

finally, i think a lot of your interests overlap!! you both enjoy reading (and i can see you guys sharing books with each other), i can see him being into psychology and character analysis, and i can absolutely see you guys people-watching, trying to figure out who they are and their histories. and, of course, memes,,, never forget the memes 

just a note: you’re also quite compatible when it comes to mbti types! claude, as a ne-dominant, would be a good balance for you (regardless of whether your a ni or si user!) furthermore, i think that ti-users (and i say this as a strong ti user myself) can get so analytical that they can tire other people out. but put two strong ti users together? it’s gold. 

the last thing i wanted to add is more of a vibe that i get from claude, and i’m not sure if it’s entirely textual; your point about trying to be optimistic, while actually struggling with being quite pessimistic and borderline nihilistic (which MOOD holy hell) is something that i feel claude would struggle with too? because he’s got a well-crafted mask that he puts out to the world, i think he hides a lot of the things that he struggles with; and for all his talk of friendship and the future, i think he has a hard time reconciling that with the things that he’s seen and the things he’s dealing with. so, i think having someone who understood what that was like could bring an invaluable comfort. but that’s more or less a headcanon adslkjflkfjd

all in all, i just think you and claude are very compatible as people, and you would work wonderfully as a couple!! 

(the next two are gonna be shorter bc i didn’t want to keep you waiting, but i hope that’s okay!!) 

i also match you with...

ashe!!

admittedly, i’m a little less passionate about this matchup (but honestly, i don’t think anything can quite top claude, and he can bring a better intellectual rapport to the table), but i think ashe is also quite a good match for you!!

i think he can fit your profile of an ideal partner quite well, as he’s insightful in his own way, and he also seems to have a rich inner world. he’s also the sort to encourage you to consider your own feelings, because they’re important too. 

on the whole, ashe is a lot softer than claude, and i think that would be a key difference in your relationship. ashe is more obviously fond, and he’s not afraid of expressing how he feels. 

i also think that ashe would be more mindful of you neglecting tasks that aren’t connected to what you’re hyper-focusing on, and is more likely to voice his concerns directly to you. but in general, i think he’s just very kind and attentive, and would always be looking out for your wellbeing! 

you’re both very sweet and caring, and i think that’s a lovely thing you’d bring into your relationship with one another!! 

i said earlier that he’s very obviously fond, and i think that fondness would permeate your entire relationship; you’re both gentle, and i think you both share that sensitivity and emotionality! 

i think you’d also be very thoughtful with each other, and that can be a very beautiful thing; ashe is delighted to know that you always have his back, and he’s always taking care of you (this boy definitely has ‘acts of service’ as one of his love languages hhhhhh)

ashe seems like he’d have a very calming presence, and i think that would be good whenever you were overthinking or when you were experiencing those feelings of doubt. and i think he’d be able to relate to you to an extent; he’s quite insecure about his past, so he knows what it’s like to experience some of those feelings. but, he would be excellent at providing you with that comforting presence. 

i can also see him being a big fan of your creative work!! he would love your paintings and drawings, and would absolutely hang them up on his walls so he can look at them and be reminded of you. and he would obviously love your writing!! he’s a big reader in the first place, and i think he would be really touched to know you trust him enough to let him read your work 

and on top of that, he’s very encouraging!! always giving you positive feedback, pointing out areas you’ve improved, bringing up little details he liked, etc. 

i think you’d have a much more peaceful relationship, too; you mentioned that you enjoy peace and quiet, and i think you and ashe would be the sort of couple who often enjoy being ‘alone together’; you just enjoy being in each other’s company, but you don’t have to say anything 

you have a lot of similar interests!! as with claude, you both like to read (and as with claude, you two would trade books all the time), you both enjoy baking and cooking (cute domestic activity to do together!!) 

i also feel like ashe would have an interest in classical literature, as one of his biggest loves is for traditional knight stories? i’m also not sure if it’s textual or not, but i can easily imagine ashe having a big love for cats and dogs, too! i also think he’d really enjoy role-playing games!! they just seem up his alley to me 

and while he might not be able to engage with it as well as claude, i think he’d really enjoy hearing your more analytical thoughts. he’s a very good listener, and he’d always be asking you questions to make sure you knew he was genuinely paying attention. 

as for mbti, i think ashe is an infp (or an enfp; i could see an argument either way), so your functions would balance each other out in interesting ways, i think! fi and fe can provide constructive alternate perspectives, as can ti and te. it’s one of those sorts of things where, while there may not be perfect comprehension of each other’s point of view all the time, it can definitely incur growth. 

i think ashe is another very, very good option, and i think he’s the sort of person who could bring you a lot of comfort, and who would ensure that you felt loved and cared for!!

platonically, i match you with...

annette!!

i think you and annette would make the most delightful pair of friends!! 

i really do think you guys would have a great rapport!! you’ve both similar in the fact that you love learning and reading about the things that interest you, and i think you guys could have the most interesting conversations about your areas of interest!! 

you’re both very clever and intelligent, and i think you two would keep each other on your toes (can i just say,,, you, claude, and annette? incredible squad)!! while she’s not as analytical as claude (their support is incredible akljdsflj) but i can definitely see her enjoying it

and, you guys are both very sweet and caring!! i can see you two being very supportive and encouraging with each other, and an absolute power friendship when it comes to studying,,, 

i think annette’s own optimism could potentially help you combat that pessimism? she’s just so bright and so cheerful, and she sees so much potential int he world; and i think that could be really motivating!! 

absolutely the sort of friendship where you can just talk for hours and hours, to the point of losing track of time; whether you’re in the refectory, the library, your dorms,,, wherever you are, you can just talk about anything (and nobody else can quite catch up)

annette is a very emotionally accessible person imo, so i think that would make it really easy for the two of you to connect!! she’s the sort of friend who would always have your back, and would always be trustworthy; kind of like you!! 

while you can be too forgiving, i feel like annette is the sort of person who’d stick up for you, and 

okay but admittedly you’d definitely get into overthinking spirals together. but you’d be there comforting each other, so that’s a positive, maybe?? but i think you’d both have that particular anxious energy, especially when things are high stress 

the two of you also always have your heads up in the clouds,,, you’re in your own world when you’re together, but honestly? that’s kind of adorable!! 

i feel like she may not totally ‘get’ your humour sometimes (i just think he’s,,, very pure), but she’d be a willing sidekick!! like claude, she’d also send you stuff to airdrop; sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s like,,, a minion meme from facebook that should’ve died long, long ago,,, 

annette’s also quite interested in beauty (and i’d assume by extension fashion?) so she loves your aesthetic. you guys would absolutely go on shopping trips together, while you excitedly try out new aesthetics (and buy every single scarf in the store alkfsdj) also; redheads!! redhead power friendship!! adorable!!

i also think annette is an arguable entp (i could see arguments for other types too) which only ups your compatibility!! 

and as with the other two, i think she shares a lot of your interests!! once again, i think she also has a voracity for reading, and i think she’d also enjoy role-playing games (if she can take the time to relax every one in a while!). i think she’d also quite enjoy character analysis and typology, since it can grant her better understanding about the people around her.

the short of it is that i think you and annette would just get on really, really well, and you’d be the cutest friends in the whole entire world!!  

also as a side note, i think you’d get along quite well with mercedes and dorothea as well!!

[tmntxreader-fics]

COMMISSION MATCH-UP #1

Our very first Match-Up Commission, (squeeeee), is for my AMAZING friend @morte-witch ! 

Thank-you so much for your support and I sincerely hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it :)

ALSO I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU’D LOVE THIS GIF CONSIDERING I ACCIDENTALLY SPOILED EVERYTHING BY SENDING YOU THIS ATROCITY XD

DISCLAIMER: This is a request for my written opinion. I, of course, do not properly know you and cannot be entirely accurate when judging your personality because of this. I have chosen a specific character based entirely off of my evaluation of the information given to me. Each individual’s personal opinions will vary but this is simply a requested fun use of observatory and literature skills combined. 

MATCH-UP: LEONARDO

WHY: 

You have a base connection with both your emotions, character and the environment that surrounds you, seemingly on a level that many don’t quite understand. The fact that you acknowledge these connections and their ramifications implies self-awareness in which you can directly identify your character, your strengths, and weaknesses that you need to improve on. 

Now, who else can we think of that has similar attributes and genuinely appreciates others who can understand and operate on a corresponding wavelength?

Appreciating the simplest things, reveling in the quiet and challenging the storm are kindred tokens of both your own and Leonardo’s personality. Even your aesthetics are similar; water (representation of both his color and his technique), the moon, dark colors and East Asian cultural appreciation. 

At your core, you and Leonardo are cognate; sharing the same foundations, values, strengths, and weaknesses. While most would argue opposites attract, in order for a relationship to truly work, the couple’s fundamental beliefs and values need to be at least very similar. Quirks, traits, likes and dislikes are what makes up the personality, sure, but it’s what’s at the very center of the other person’s being that captivates someone.

This is not to say that your differences in certain aspects are non-existent. It would undoubtedly be a difficult relationship at times, being so close in similarities but so far away from each other because of the simplest differences. However, even when considering flaws, the ironic oxymoron, ‘your imperfections are perfect for each other,’ serves incredibly well. 

STRENGTHS:

1. Your relationship would have a depth to it that is incredibly rare; with the both of you so aware, discussions of simple things that you’re appreciative of wouldn’t seem strange or pointless. There’s genuinity within your conversations of simple observations and positive affirmations of the world around you and life itself. (These conversations are probably where he’d attempt to convince you to learn to meditate.) 

2.a. Both of you help each other grow; contrary to popular belief, Leonardo loves to learn- though definitely not in the way Donatello does. Leo craves wisdom and emotional knowledge, and while he struggles with his own emotions, you are very in tune with your own and he would definitely take the chance to learn from you and grow with you. 

2.b. In addition to this, we know that Leonardo is incredibly observant, especially with those that he holds romantic feelings for. You can be sure that any cues that you may give, (intentional or not), will be picked up on; discomfort, anxiety, irritation- Leonardo will see it. He notices your difficulties when it comes to interacting with others, and while he struggles with similar issues, he would ensure that he helps you to this best of his abilities. Whether it’s whisking you away from a situation once he spots a cue or it’s subtle encouragement- he’s got your back. 

3. Minimal fighting; while there will often be petty tiffs or the occasional full-blown fight, they will be far and few in between. There are rarely misunderstandings between you both and even when things begin to get heated you are a very patient pair of people and generally, that is what proves to be the saving grace of your relationship over and over. 

WEAKNESSES:

Leo’s arrogance, stress, and frustration would become overbearing at times. Considering Leo is the leader both within the team and amongst the family, there’s a hierarchical driven arrogance that comes along with it. There will be times where you will disagree on certain things and he simply tries to take the decision by force; using his role as ‘leader’ as his weapon. 

He struggles immensely with his emotions and defers to bottling them in an attempt to pretend they don’t exist, so when he does lose control it’s horrible. Leo has never learned to properly cope with his issues and emotions and it is clearly seen within your relationship. During these moods or moments, he is intolerant, explosive and passive-aggressive. When he does try to communicate how he feels with you it never comes out correctly and you discover that you become irritated by his wording and arguments. It puts significant strain on you both and it worries you a little that whenever his control slips he embodies everything you dislike.

HEADCANONS: 

Basically just the initial stages of your friendship and romantic integration. Everyone likes their relationships a certain way so touching down on the beginnings is probably the best way to remain accurate.  

- Leo’s never been one to initiate casual conversation with anyone outside of his familial circle. In fact, the more he thinks about it, he realizes that even where April and Casey are concerned, he has little to no interactions with them unless it’s out on the field. He never intended to avoid them, he supposes he just never felt the need to connect with them on that particular level. 

-Even with this new revelation, he feels fairly comfortable with his introversion. So long as he remains polite, he is generally satisfied with everyone’s lives remaining their own.

Until you. 

- Suddenly, he wants to talk; he wants to hear you talk for hours about everything and anything you could possibly conjure. And you do, you talk, just not to him. Never to him. His brothers are more available for conversation, generally the ones to initiate it and make you feel comfortable in their presence. Especially Mikey, the youngest brother basically initiated friendship without your acknowledgment. 

- You’ve always wondered about Leonardo, you’ve simply begun to view him as the mysterious leader who wanders the halls; walking with purpose but no particular direction. If you were anyone else you would have already initiated conversations with him, tried to get to know him. Unfortunately, you simply can’t bring yourself to take that risk beyond the polite greetings, his demeanor both drawing you in and warding you off simultaneously. 

- Leo has made it his mission to try to talk to you more. He doesn’t exactly know why but you’ve become an itch that he desperately needs to scratch before it drives him to lose focus of his tasks. On the other hand, maybe he does know the reason. Denying his problems or anything that could cause future complications has been his specialty; he wouldn’t surprised if he later discovers he’s been in denial the entire time. 

- You’d be lying to yourself if you didn’t say that, as of late, he’s started to freak you out. The turtle would make an appearance out of nowhere, generally at times where his brothers were not in the vicinity, and talk to you. But, that’s not what’s made you apprehensive; it’s the way he’s tried to interact with you.

- Leo would start off with his generic greetings, polite as always, then drag the conversation to something equally as vague. It has always seemed as if he’s frustrated with himself and the energy puts you off a little, making things incredibly awkward. Well, more so.

- The reality is that he knows he’s not making any headway, he doesn’t know how to integrate into having a real conversation with you and the last thing he wants to do is ask you about the weather for the sixth time this week. Finally, you throw him a bone when he asks about the weather (seventh time), and instead of replying with a polite ‘good’, you smile and comment “it’s cleared up enough to see the stars out. The constellations are amazing when you really take the time to look at them.” 

- Your first conversation takes off. You find yourselves moving to settle in the dojo, distantly thanking whoever was listening that training was finished for the day. Without the interruptions from his brothers or the ill-timed intervention by Splinter, you both manage to engage in conversations ranging from the sky, to culture to things that you just found interesting. 

- You can’t say that the conversation was easy, initially. You discover Leo to be an incredibly intense person and you find yourself questioning every single one of your responses- especially when he pauses to watch you for a brief moment after you finish your sentences. You hate second guessing yourself constantly, it puts you on edge and you find yourself rigid in your seat. 

- Luckily, Leo is able to pick up on these cues and scrambles for ways to relax you without outright leaving the room. If he leaves, he knows that it will take him weeks to work up the courage to try this again. He can’t help the heaviness of his presence, when he’s nervous he either rambles like an idiot or shuts down and interrogates instead of conversating. 

- Eventually, you catch on to the way he consciously tries to appear less intimidating. The way he leans back onto the counter instead of standing upright, hands on either side of him holding the edge of the bench to support himself. A very casual position that implies an openness. His voice lowers to a softer tone that, to your complete and utter surprise, does something a little funny to your stomach. 

- The more he relaxes the more you relax and within ten minutes you both find yourselves laughing along to the conversation. It’s then you discover your similarities in interests. 

- After the conversation comes to a close, thanks to Mikey entering the room like a fucking tornado, he nods at you with a small smile and exits quietly. A small tug in your chest makes you raise an eyebrow. Of course, only you would manage to get mildly attached to someone after a single conversation. 

- Despite your inner scoldings, you find yourself trying to work up the courage to talk to him in the hallways. 

(You never do, you just give him an awkward nod and scuttle past before he has the chance to get a word in). 

-The funny part is that, on the other side, Leo has been doing literally everything within his power to have another conversation with you. Everything. Well, everything other than instigating it, of course. He’ll sit down near you, approximately three feet away to avoid discomfort, and wait for you to initiate the conversation. He’ll go to the kitchen exactly 3 minutes after you’ve walked in to try and catch you alone- a plan that always fails because the kitchen is generally hosting at least two people at a time. 

- The day of success is the day neither of you suspects. You’ve settled in on the roof of your apartment building, attempting to clear your head by embracing the cool night’s air. After an hour or so of drawing vague figures in the sketchbook you had brought up with you, you simply lie on your back with a huff; analyzing the stars in a hope to disperse the heaviness in your chest. 

- That’s where Leo finds you. It wasn’t on purpose, of course. He was on patrol and assigned himself to this particular section of the city. It was a quiet night so far, and whether he’d admit it or not, he was absolutely bored. So when he drops in on a roof with a random lying down on their back he’s not sure whether to immediately turn back or check if they’re dead. Instead, he settles for having a silent heart attack while he stares at the figure on the floor praying somebody would simply airdrop him the answer. 

- However, the longer he stares at them the more familiar they seem. Taking a few tentative steps forward, careful to remain in the dark, he realizes it’s you. 

- Cue another heart attack. 

- Moving into the light, he opens his mouth to say something, praying to whoever is listening that he doesn’t scare the absolute fuck out of you and make this awkward. Instead, the only noise that comes out of his mouth is a wheeze that vaguely sounds similar to your name. 

- Instantly, you bolt up into a sitting position, gaze snapping to where he stands frozen. Before a scream rips from your lips you recognize the Leader’s face, despite the ‘deer-in-the-headlights’ expression etched onto it. 

- You swear loudly, raising your hand to your chest and flopping back to the ground with wide eyes distantly staring into the night sky. 

- Immediately he’s sidled up next to you, apologizing profusely for his rude appearance. Frustrated, you motion for him to sit down beside you and be quiet, in which he grimaces but obeys. He tentatively lays onto his back, completely unsure of whether it’s appropriate or not but the adrenaline in his system tells him it’s worth the risk. 

- Both of you are quiet, your hearts settling back from their racing pace to a steady rhythm. When you do decide to talk, you turn your head to the side, observing his profile. Instead of asking why he’s out here, you instead choose to ask him about his views. Does he ever sit down sometimes and just take in the stars above him? Does he ever wonder about all the unexplored possibilities of life? 

- He tells you that he does, that on nights where his responsibilities get too heavy he lies on his shell and stares at the stars; almost hoping he’d get an answer from them. Then he turns to face you, heart beating beneath his shell. 

“I do wonder about the unexplored possibilities, but, lately I’ve been trying to explore them.” 

You turn to look at him, heart leaping into your throat when you catch his gaze. “What do you mean?” 

He clenches his jaw, wondering whether he should get it wired shut and communicate purely by sign language for the rest of his life. At least, then, his mouth wouldn’t talk before his brain could tell him to shut up. 

“As in, I’m exploring one right now,” he breathes, eyebrows furrowing slightly as he takes in your features. 

“Do you make it practice to scare the shit out of all of your unexplored possibilities?” You joke, unsure of how to appropriately respond to what’s beginning to sound like a confession of interest. “Because while it works for this possibility, I’m not sure about the others.” Your heart is literally trying to claw it’s way out of your chest at your lame attempt to flirt, but the way his lips quirk at your comment eases the nervousness. 

“No,” he smiles, “I generally reserve that for the ones that could actually lead somewhere.”

“You think this possibility could lead somewhere, then?” You question softly, eyes moving to take in the stars above you once more. 

“If you’d be interested in exploring it with me, then I’m certain it could,” he replies. You can feel his gaze on the side of your face and you pluck up the courage to turn back and face him. Instead of the intensity, you were expecting, his expression is gentle. There’s no pressure on you to answer the way he hopes you do, it’s an olive branch. 

With that realization, you smile. “Then by all means, let’s see where it could lead.” 

[bigskydreaming]

fhalkfhaklfhlkak i hate this

TW really truly literally ruined the word ‘spark’ for me. Like the whole damn word. I hear it now and I’m like, NOPE, like...idk, some people who cringe when they hear the word moist or panties. Apologies to anyone who hates those words and cringed, i dont actually know if thats a thing or if like, I just have weird friends. Probably just the latter.

But anyways, Im just like...lmfao. Its so visceral too? Like I have this one original project, Waveriders, that I’ve been fiddling with off and on in the background of other projects for awhile, might have talked about it on here, idk, I don’t keep track. 

Basically its a far future sci-fi novel/setting for linked shorter works set on a gas giant that was settled by humans who figured that they can’t possibly be stepping on anyone’s toes there, its a freaking gas giant, hello, no one’s home, right? They literally have to make their own ground by using technology to form anti-gravity wells in the habitable zone of the atmosphere and like, make floating cities and then these kind of buoys scattered across the planet that create these electromagnetic currents that flow in specific ‘routes’ between the cities, and people travel between them in these flying ships that use magnetized hulls and solar sails to ride these currents, and blah blah blah, yada yada yada, bc like, why would I resist an opportunity to have floating cities and sky pirates and ancient cyborg machine dragons? Doesn’t make sense. 

Anyway, so couple thousand years after settling this planet, and by then for Plotty Reasons there are people who have what’s called waveriding abilities, like they can ‘hack’ certain wavelengths or types of energy and manipulate them in various ways, but only one kind of energy per person, and they each have their own little names and niches. 

So, y’know, basically just like ATLA, except for like, its energy powers and there are cyborg machine dragons and floating cities and sky pirates, obvsly. Plus areas of totally fucked up gravity called the badlands that are all like, criminal underworld metropolis because normal people are like lol nope, we like it when up is up and down is down, all of this is very just...nope. And also because shocking and totally unexpected plot twist, they were totally wrong about the planet being uninhabited just cuz it didn’t have Earth type ground...like, so in addition and on top of and in conjunction with all of the above and whatnot, there are these beings called Chaos Angels, that are basically like sentient quantum waveforms that can take any shape or appearance, but just, have no physical substance and yet are really good at faking that they’re not totally there when they fuck with humans, which they do a lot, because well. Why not, y’know?

But other than that, its exactly like ATLA. I’m a derivative hack. I disgust myself, truly I do.

BUT the point of this particular synaptic misfire aka ADHD ramble, is that so, okay, these different types of not!benders are all called waveriders as an overall umbrella term, but with ten different subsets of this in total, right? So people who can ‘hack’ light and manipulate it in various ways are called brightriders, and people who are tuned into soundwaves are called echo-riders, and some can manipulate the more electricity-skewed side of the electromagnetic spectrum and those are shockriders and the ones who skew more to the magnetic side are steelriders but I’m probably gonna change that because it sounds like a porno? Yeah no, just saw it outside of my notes for the first time and can confirm, definitely sounds like a porno so they’re not gonna be called steel-riders, but they will be called something steel-rider-esque. You get it.

And then there are the five weird ones that people aren’t totally quite sure how their waveriding shticks work because the kinds of energy they hack aren’t like....the kinds that work in the same way as the others with their easily discernible and patternistic wavelengths, and scientists and scholars are always arguing like but skyriders aren’t even in the same FIELD as the other waverider types because gravity isn’t even an actual ENERGY, just because we talk about gravity waves doesn’t mean they’re remotely the same thing as lightwaves, they make no SENSE, and I’m just like hahaha, I am your god, fictional scientists. Fucking deal with it. Plus it does make sense, you just don’t know the Secret Rules and Logistics that I do, pfft. 

Anyway, so the other types are boomriders who hack kinetic energy and skyriders of course obviously manipulate gravity, and then the last three are really weird, and super rare and thus don’t really have set names and just have lots of nicknames and are often just thought to be rumors. So those are the bio-riders who manipulate chemical energy though it often gets mistakenly referred to or just handwaved as being ‘life energy’ as though that’s a thing, ugh future way advanced people are so dumb sometimes, honestly. But so they can manipulate biological processes in various ways and do things with healing and also hurting, and basically just don’t piss one off ever. Like. You’ll die. And then there’s the psi-riders, who are essentially psychics and hack brainwaves, and I’m not at all bitter that I lack the balls to just go for broke and call them ghost riders like I want to, because ghost riders obviously sounds way cooler?? But also, Marvel would definitely sue?? Because they’re just, like that. 

And like, the last of the Weird Ones are the ones so super rare and also so hard to actually....tell if someone actually IS one, that most people think they don’t actually even exist and are just an unsubstantiated like, theoretical idea some scientist had once while high and then just, never shut up about so eventually the idea caught on. And those are the quantum-riders, or luck-riders, basically they theoretically manipulate quantum wavelengths in ways that are almost impossible to identify, like theoretically they wouldn’t even know they were doing it? Anyway, so lots of times, what are actually quantum-riders are just jealously thought to be like, really fucking lucky assholes. Even though the way their powers work really don’t have anything to do with luck or even probability, specifically, like that’s a simplistic approximation and its more like they manipulate possibilities but also shut up me, nobody cares.

ANYWAY, people who can count and who actually bothered to would probably notice by now like the funky little geniuses they are that all of those still only adds up to nine. And that’s because of the last one, the one that SHOULD go up in the brightrider, shockrider, notpornIswear!steel-rider hierarchy or taxidermy or whatever the fuck. And these are the ones who manipulate what’s essentially thermal energy, or more accurately the microwave-skewing side of the ultraviolet spectrum whereas brightriders are just the ones who skew more to the infrared side of it.

And the long and short of all of this Unnecessary-ness and the source of my fit of pique and ensuing ramble-palooza....is that ORIGINALLY, they were SUPPOSED to be called sparkriders.

But OBVIOUSLY I can’t call them that anymore, because like. I tried, and I was like ugh you drama queen slash whiny pissbaby, it was just a shitty teen supernatural show and SPARK WAS NEVER EVEN CANON, do not let THEM win and ruin a perfectly good classification name! But I did. I did let it ruin them, and its. Well. Its a problem, because I kept thinking up ways to kill off the sparkrider characters for absolutely no reason at all instead of like....thinking up ways to make the plot do what it was outlined to do in their parts of the story.

This may come like, way out of left field, and just SHOCK and STUN and BEWILDER some of you, like....no way, srsly? But yeah, true story, among my many canon mental neuroses like ADHD, PTSD, magical depression hour and super fun anxiety like....there is a tiny possibility (aka actual diagnosis) that while I don’t talk about this much, or ever really, I do have a smidge of ye old OCD? Its not like, a big thing and doesn’t really affect my daily routines and that’s pretty much why I never usually bring it up or list it alongside the rest of the crap on my neurodivergence resumé or whatever, because like, there’s already WAY too many misconceptions out there about what OCD actually is and what constitutes it, and tons of people are always jokingly but also thinking they’re kinda half serious, like ‘oh I’m so OCD about this and this and that’ and its like. LOL. Are you though? You sure?

Anyway, but point being, the way mine manifests for me is like...not actually a problem? Like, I don’t actually have any REAL complaints about it at all, just half-assed little fits of pique ones like this, which is the other part of why I never bring it up, because too often ppl just can’t fathom that OCD or even any kind of neurodivergence can be...WANTED, or a good thing, and lololol, that’s ableism, folks. But its true, I don’t actually mind mine at all, even if it occasionally makes things frustrating, when I get stuck like I am now. But the flip side of it is....its actually a pretty huge part of my creativity and just the way my mind works in general....like, what people accredit to me being particularly insightful about character analysis or drawing connections or stuff like that in meta or fics or my novels or worldbuilding...that’s what it is. That’s my OCD in action. 

My brain like...REQUIRES that I find patterns in....pretty much everything. Even day to day mundane stuff too, though like I said, its mild enough there that it doesn’t fuck with my routines too much, but like, I have to order things into nice, neat patterns and groupings. And if there aren’t any that are immediately obvious, I kinda pretty much HAVE to dig deeper until I find some on a slightly deeper level, something beneath the surface or first glance, and keep going until I find something.....or worst case scenario, I have to like....add stuff and embellish and fill in gaps with my own ‘content’ until I have the rough edges rounded off into something that CAN be stacked neatly atop some other part of the story or whatever it is I’m focusing on? And the obsessive-compulsive part for me is like, lol, I gotta find it SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW. 

My brain literally won’t shut off or grudgingly accept being diverted to a different subject until I’ve made some kind of pattern or flowchart or classification system. It will literally keep me up for hours, going over the same things over and over from every angle until I find SOME way to....reassemble or restructure it in some nice, neat little order of some type. I mean that’s basically what it is. My brain insists on me forming some semblance of order out of any glimpse I have of what I would otherwise term creative chaos. And it won’t give up until it gets what it wants, which when you throw in my ADHD and how often I’ll get derailed off on slight tangents but with my OCD then sooner or later forcing me back to the original focus, rinse and repeat ad nauseam....like. LOL. I learned to operate on very little sleep from a pretty young age by necessity, its just...my brain, dudes. Its just like that.

But the perks are like, I pretty much think this is WHY I’m so creative....because my brain, for as long as I can remember, has always just kinda....forced me to be? Also probably has a lot to do with well...eh, I don’t need to talk about that right now. Whatever. Anyway, point being, so....I do like the end results very much so, and for all its....Why Must You Be Like This eccentricities, I’m quite attached to my brain and would not be very likely to agree to a trade even were one possible. I mean don’t get me wrong, I could do without the PTSD and anxiety, if we’re just, like....talking some pruning shears or whatever, but the actual creative machinery, I’m keeping. Ultimately it just means I really fucking like patterns and finding patterns or making patterns where previously there were none, or at least none that were easy to spot.

But ugh, man, these are the rare times when I’m like omg, just call it a day, we don’t ACTUALLY have to come up with the perfect replacement name for that one relatively small and insignificant detail of a much larger story that isn’t even in the Top Ten list of my main priorities at the moment. And my asshole of a brain is just like....yeah no, we gotta. You know the rules dude, you decided it was official, that name didn’t work anymore and was never gonna, so now we gotta find a replacement or else things will be UNEVEN?? The pattern will be...missing a piece? There will be CHAOS AND ANARCHY IN THE STREETS THAT RUNNETH OVER WITH BLOOD? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT??

And so I’m like....literally sitting here googling synonyms for spark because I’m just like that sometimes, lmfao. Oh and of course its gotta be a GOOD replacement, naturally. I can’t just shoehorn in a somewhat acceptable substitute that in the back of my mind I’m expecting to only be temporary, until I come up with something better. See, because my brain will KNOW, and it will NOT be okay with that, because that is CHEATING. And my brain, apparently, has strong feelings about cheating, which is weird and fairly unexpected of me, IMO.

Anyway, kudos to anyone who actually read through that instead of scrolling, I honestly have zero idea why I felt like sharing it, I just did and thus I did. *shrugs* 

[felixcuz]

Make Me Wait

✧ Soulmate AU - fluff/angsty tones; gender neutral reader

✧ 2.8k words

✧ Once you turn 18, you switch bodies with your soulmate on New Years, but you’re going on 21 and still haven’t changed

✧ a/n: I was inspired by a prompt for soulmate AUs, so this happened

It was the Eve of a new year, the year of your 21st birthday. The start of another year without a sign of a soulmate connection and it was more disheartening than exciting. People were supposed to switch bodies with their soulmate on each New Year after they turn eighteen.

You’ve heard stories of people switching for up to a few hours, randomly transported to places they’ve never seen with people they don’t know. It was a strange phenomenon, especially as a bond. For most people, it also happened on their 18th year, sometimes 19th in rare occasions where there are age differences, but hardly ever this long.

You’ll be twenty-one soon, without any sign of your soulmate. Usually you wouldn’t care, since you were apprehensive of the assigned ‘mate’ anyway, but people tended to be judgmental towards those without soulmates. They would question and sometimes avoid you as if it were a disease. For you, it was less about what other people thought and more about the loneliness you felt.

You always felt whole growing up and valued yourself, knowing that if you loved yourself then it would be enough. As you got older you realized that wasn’t entirely enough and you craved the mutual understanding of someone on your wavelength. Someone you wouldn’t have to explain yourself to who could know how you feel as if it’s their own. Someone who shares the same ideals and loves as you. Who is loyal and cares for you unconditionally and not because they have to, but because they want to.

You sigh and lower the cup in your hand as you stare out from the rooftop of the high rise you’re currently standing on. Another New Years party ruined with your negativity, you mentally chide yourself. No wonder everyone seems to avoid you like the Plague.

You let your eyes wander around the rooftop, dimly lit with string lights messily strewn about, several chairs and loveseats that don’t match one another, and about fifty bodies gyrating to the music that was pumping from the speaker towers along the wall. You can’t help but reflect on how you ended up here.

For your 21st year you decided not to wait for fate and take it into your own hands. You thought if you could get out of your stuffy old town and into some place bigger that maybe you’d find people like you. Your dreams were always as big. So a few months ago that’s what you did. You shipped up to New York City, going from a town of less than ten thousand and without any streetlights, to one of the biggest cities in the world. Or at least that’s how it felt to you. It was on a whim and even though you knew you wanted to be here, you had no idea what you wanted to do.

You realized quickly that the money you’d saved in your teen years wouldn’t hold you over for long and you needed to find a roommate. Your sheltered life didn’t spare you from trust issues though, so you looked to the Internet for any college students around your age in the same situation.

You stumbled across a guy named Chris who had actually put an ad out for a roommate. He had an apartment that he once shared with a friend who was now moving out and he needed someone fast. New York living isn’t cheap.

The two of you had exchanged messages and asked to meet up and when you did, he was late. You still remember your frustration, it was his suggestion to meet at that place and time!

You looked at the time on your phone again, thirteen minutes past. Sighing, you stirred your hot chocolate slowly as you heard the door of the little cafe swing open to reveal a huffy and very sweaty man. He scanned the tables until his eyes landed on you and continued to heave his body until he was standing mere inches in front of you.

You looked up at the sloppy man with a glint of humour in your eye, keeping a straight face until he regained his composure. He dropped his hands to his knees and bent over, slightly wheezing for a minute and you had to hold back a chuckle.

Once he looked back up and straightened out his hair and clothes, you realized how handsome he was. Curly brown hair that fell naturally around his face, framing it with his strong jaw and nose and oh my god was that a dimple?

He beamed at you sheepishly and you had to crack a smile, gesturing for him to sit on the stool across from you.

He apologized as he introduced himself and practically begged you to take his offer, since rent was due in the next week and he didn’t have it, again. You had already decided you would, but you continued to talk and learn more about him before you admit that to him. The relief was visible as his broad shoulders seemed to relax at your acceptance.

“Oh thank God, I can’t afford to lose this place, my parents would kill me if they found out I moved from Australia for this.”

Within a day you had already moved in to the apartment. Chris helped you with the few boxes you had and showed you around. It was a rather upscale building outside of Manhattan. Once you saw the apartment you understood why he would lose this place on his own. It was nicer than anything you’d ever seen before, polished hardwood floors across the rather large living area, met by ceiling to floor windows that offered a scene of the whole city. There were three bedrooms, Chris’s, yours, and what Chris called his “studio.”

He was a musician and made music with two of his other friends in a “moderately popular group” he had once boasted. He said this building offered him the “creative freedom” he needed, which basically meant he didn’t have to worry about the volume level all the time. His floor was just below the rooftop, which he also occupied much of the time.

As you looked out onto the unforgiving city below, you couldn’t help but feel as though it’s shown you mercy this time.

You had also come to the conclusion that Chris was a vampire in the few months of living there, as he would be up all hours of the night in his studio. Living with him was amazing, despite his odd habits, and you quickly became close friends.

Along with that, you met his friends at the shows and parties he would have every so often. His friends were just ask quirky as him and you connected with them easily.

Within just a few months, you already had a new life for yourself. You were in a gorgeous city with a great job doing what you love and living with your amazing best friend. What more could you ask for?

You tried to tell yourself “nothing” and be content, but your soul still felt restless. There was still something missing.

That thought brought you back to where you are now, staring at your crazy best friend as he danced with his soulmate. You looked around to your other friends and saw them with their own soulmates, smiling lightly and dancing with no worry in their bodies. You wanted to be in that too. You wanted to feel that carefreeness and just live but something always held you back.

The music slowed to a stop and you heard Chris clear his throat through the mic of the set up from his group’s performance earlier.

“Ladies and gents, grab a drink and grab someone, we are one minute to New Years!” to which everyone cheered.

You pulled yourself from your wallflower position and joined the crowd at the back, silently counting along as everyone shouted the numbers.

Bodies collided with one another as everyone held their friends and loves close, your friend Jisung waving at you and motioning you over.

You smiled and stepped a few feet closer to him before stopping, not wanting to engulf yourself in the crowd completely.

Jisung laughed and stretched his arm out to clink his glass with yours in cheers, shouting you New Years wishes. You returned them to him and his partner beside him, then moved your attention to Chris on the mini stage. He brought up his partner with him as they counted down the last half.

You let your eyes wander away back to the lights of the city around you, hearing music and shouts from other people celebrating below. You wondered where your soulmate was or what they were doing tonight. Or if they even existed.

Your eyes fell downward for a second before you decided not to let another year go to waste. What has turned into the best year of your life and offered you so many new blessings will not be ruined by something you can’t control.

Your eyes found Chris’s and he held up his drink to you, giving you that goofy smile you love as he counts down from ten. You could feel tension start to leave your shoulders as you dropped all care for anything outside of that moment.

“Five! Four!”

You let your eyes close as you raise your glass.

“Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!”

Your hearing was muffled for a second at all the noise. You smiled and opened your eyes to find that you were a few feet away from where you were next to Jisung, back near the wall you had moped at all night. That’s odd. When did you move?

You made your way through the crowd to find Chris and wish him and his partner New Years. When you got to him his eyes widened at you.

“What are you doing here, mate! I thought you couldn’t make it!”

You chuckled and gave him a side eye before going to speak, “what are you on about, you...” You trailed off at the deepest voice you’d ever heard, coming from you.

You looked down at your hands, then body, finding slightly more masculine hands and an outfit you definitely weren’t wearing an hour ago.

Your mind started spinning as you looked back up to Chris, to which he put a hand on your shoulder and asked if you were feeling okay.

Regaining your balance, you shut your eyes and thought for a second before it hit you.

Your head shot up, scaring Chris and making him jump before you scanned the rooftop wildly. In the same spot you were standing earlier in the night, was you. Your body.

Chills ran through your, or this person’s, body as you made slow, clear strides toward that direction. They were stood looking down at your body, closely examining your arms and hands and the small tattoos that adorned them.

When you reached your body you carefully tapped your shoulder, which sent a shock through the body you were in. You looked up quickly and both of your eyes went wide. You stared into your own eyes for what must have been minutes before whoever was in your body spoke up.

“I.. You’re here... in the same place.”

Your brows knit together as you looked at yourself, this person, “You’re real.” You heard your laugh.

“Of course I am, it doesn’t get much realer than this,” they giggled, gesturing to your body.

Your mind buzzed in confusion, everything else faded away as you tried to figure the how and why. You spoke, shocked by the deep voice of the stranger you possessed, “Why now? Why did it take so long? I thought you weren’t...”

Your question trailed off and they spoke up, “I wasn’t what, alive? That you didn’t have one?”

Your eyes met theirs, your own, and they giggled once again.

“I just turned eighteen this year,” they said. It was the first time you had ever heard your voice in an Australian accent, something you always tried with Chris but couldn’t do.

Your eyes widened and you suddenly felt shy, unable to hold eye contact any longer. It had never occurred to you that they might be years younger. It was beyond rare.

“That must have caused a lot of stress for you,” they continued with a soft smile, “would you like to go some place a bit more quiet?”

It was then you noticed the heavy bass of the music that had started again and the chatter from the party.

You nodded and stared at your body expectantly. They giggled again at your frozen state.

“I believe you’re the one who lives here.”

You snapped up and averted your eyes once again.

“Oh! Yeah, my apartment is downstairs,” you said softly as you turned to hide your probably red face, or rather their face.

You could hear them following behind as you descended and pressed the key code to your apartment door. It was mostly silent in the room save for the muffled music from above. You had wondered and worried about this situation all your life and now that you were here you weren’t sure what to do.

They walked over to the large windows and you observed your body from the back, something you never thought you’d experience. You found yourself walking closer but your mouth wouldn’t move.

“I’m from Australia. I was best friends with Chris before he moved here. I still am, but because I’m a bit younger I only got to see him a few times over the years. My name is Felix.”

So that’s why Chris said that to you, or to him, you now know.

“Now that I’ve turned eighteen, I decided to join him and go to school here. I was just visiting for the holidays, I definitely wasn’t expecting this,” he said softly.

I turned to him, realizing I haven’t said anything helpful since we met.

“I’m ___. I moved in with Chris recently to get a new start here,” you said as you leaned toward him. He smiled and extended a hand toward you, “Wonderful to meet you ___, and Happy New Year.”

You reached a hand to meet his, or yours, and felt chills run through you again as a bright flash appeared in your mind causing you to squeeze your eyes shut.

When the ache subsided, you opened them again and saw the most beautiful face you’ve ever seen on any person ever.

He had slightly lighter brown hair swept back to show his forehead and eyes which seemed to shine even in the dim light of the room. His features were soft yet handsome, full pink lips pulled into a small smile and a cute button nose. In the dark you could see freckles dusted across his cheeks and nose and you swear you felt your heart turn in your chest. You had to look up at him slightly, and he was looking down at you with the same admiration.

Meeting his eyes finally, your face went hot and you turned back to the window. How dare this boy be so pretty. It made you nervous and a bit self-conscious.

Did he think you were average? What if he thought you were old?

As if he sensed all your worry, he stepped to the side so his arm pressed against yours, facing out to the sparkling city as he spoke.

“You’re breathtaking. How lucky am I to have such a person as my soulmate.”

Your heart skipped at the term and the compliment, cheeks even pinker than before.

He let his fingers meet yours and waited to see if you’d pull away, slowly lacing your fingers together at your stillness.

There was a silent understanding between the two of you and you could feel warmth radiate in your soul from the touch of his hand.

How can I feel so whole? Your mind couldn’t help but wonder.

As if on cue, he squeezed your hand gently and turned to face you.

“I’m sorry I made you wait, and I hope you don’t mind that I’m a bit younger. It doesn’t bother me but I understand if you’re-“

You cut him off and smiled brightly, “for you, I could wait forever.”

It was his turn to blush at your words and you swear you’ve never seen anything more precious. You giggled at his shyness and looked up at the clock, suddenly remembering your surroundings.

12:22.

You tugged at his hand as you began to make your way back up to the roof. He giggled and followed to join you and your friends.

Chris found the two of you and smiled although he was confused, he wouldn’t question it until later, happy to see his two best friends together.

The party has only just begun, along with a beautiful year of opportunity for you and your newfound soulmate, and you weren’t going to miss it this time.

[hnnnfdfds]

ohhhh, tell us about yaiba!! who’s your fav, what do you like the most about manga/anime in general and whatever else you want to share🌊💕

!!!!!

I can’t really settle on a fave, tbh? I mean, it’s gotta be Tanjirou bc I almost always end up loving the mains and he’s just so damn pure,,, Nezuko is cute too, omg!!! Also, I really like Zenitsu!!! But then Inosuke came and I was like, damn he’s cute!!!

But like, Giyuu??? Shinobu??? Someone how to decide???

Mhm, I think what really gets me in an anime, is if the world-building is done greatly. I never really realized it until one month ago, but I pay a lot of attention to the world/universes in fictional work. It doesn’t even really have to be made up, you know? It could totally be sth taken from reality and just adapted with a few little differences, varying from living styles to incorporating stuff like a demon slayer organization and life between demons and humans.

So, yeah, KnY, really has done it well so far. It has all the basic questions done. Demons exist. Relationship between demons and humans? Bad because demons eat humans... yet Nezuko is differently so it creates curiosity and the whole wondering of if-situations... 

How to counter the bad nature of demons? With demon slayers, of course!

A whole organization with ranks has been invented. Even the demons have some kind of rank system which connects the whole world-building to the plot.

Why do they have a rank system despite being quite content being alone? Ah, because there’s a guy, obviously stronger than them, that created them in the first place.

The plot is about a boy trying to beat this guy out of revenge but mostly to turn his demon sister back. It’s not mindless revenge, it’s emotion-driven but not to a negative strong extent because of said sister existing.

It’s not some mind-blowing plot, at least not if you cut it down to the basics.

- Guy creates demons

- Demons kill humans bc food

- Boy loses his family like that

- Proceeds to chase the guy

You see that kind of plot a lot in anime. It’s also why a lot of people don’t like a plot bc it’s abnormal or somewhat impossibly different. People end up liking works with the same plots or totally different plots.

Because? Because either they really like the basic plot or they just really care about the differences which are shown in the details surrounding a plot. Those are, of course, part of the plot but different on their own.

Basic plot but...

- Kid sister is alive but a demon and she doesn’t get kidnapped or something

- Guy actually just really wants to cure his sister (Tanjirou dislikes Muzan but the first time we really felt his rage was when he actually met Muzan before that it was just worrying about Nezuko)

- He can only do this with special kind of weapons and breathing styles (I really love the concept of the breathing styles)

- Nezuko is basically somewhat different from other demons

- Demons are shown to be actually really miserable creatures

- Demons were actually once humans. They didn’t just one day appear and start existing, they weren’t created out of nothing either. They were turned into demons.

Actually, that point is fucking sad.

If you look at most of their backstories they decided to go be a demon either after the people around them let them down, were assholes, or their circumstances let them be desperate enough to accept being a demon over what they were before. Or they were turned against their wills.

It really parallels to how some humans just turn... into assholes or at least end up being really miserable? If you get constantly told you’re trash or if you feel desperate in a bad state of mind, it’s not impossible that you either stop caring or rejoice in paying back.

Hmm, I mentioned it already but I really love the breathing styles and the action scenes in general. Like, bless, the animation bc holy fuck, the action scenes are so damn gorgeous.

But overall, I just love the concept and the imaginary to go along with it and how it works. It’s so different from what I’m used to in weaponry/attacks/fight styles. Like, take, BSD for example. I always loved BSD’s concept of abilities because it’s actually in a sense an unusual idea. Take the most known book, and go over its plot to create a good ability fitting the character, which is more or less based on said book’s author. 

It’s also one of the points that will come up the first when I tell someone about BSD.

Like for BNHA, I’ll most likely go with something along the lines of, “It’s about a world in which most humans have quirks and thus heroes exist to make sure villains don’t cause chaos.”

For BSD, I’d go, “It’s mostly about this detective agency with special abilities... You know, the characters are based on those authors and...”

I go a bit more in detail in the BSD explanation. For Bnha I’d only mention that it’s about heroes most times. And an interesting fact for me, quirks suddenly developed and almost everyone has one. 

For BSD, the natural choice for me would be to tell them about characters and skills is based on authors and books because it’s just kind of unique to me. 

If I were to describe KnY, I’d most likely go, “Ah, there’s this anime about a boy becoming a demon slayer to obviously slay demons. But you know, you’d really give it a try, because the attacks are kind of interesting.”

It’s such a simple fact, but the moment something interesting/unique comes up we’ll mention it because it stays. The plot is like a basic mention. It’s just something you say to either warn someone about what kind of anime you talk or test to see if they might like it and you can continue talking, but once you get over that basic testing, you immediately pull out the most convincing facts about it in hopes to keep their interest in the anime/manga.

And I’m totally off-point again,,,,

I’m still not that far in the manga so I can’t say much except I really like the art style so like, bless. But what I’m happy about it, that it’s far enough to approach the topic of the Pillars. You know, being a demon slayer in KnY seems like a weird concept at first. Nezuko and Tanjirou travel around and slay demons — the only contact to others from the organization they have are through crows/letters. In some situatiosn, they do have a lot of contact with other slayers/workers because of situations where they need help or need to provide help. Of course, Zenitsu and Inosuke are also part of the organization but most times they feel more like travel companions except when they fight against demons. 

In fact, the whole setting is airly and friendly, that only in the most recent episode—episode 20—did they find out that something like Pillars exists. They passed a test to join an organization. I totally find that intriguing because whilst of course, we get to see small snippets of it, it’s never really portrayed like how it really is. 

The kids are working under someone. They are part of something led by someone.

It’s only in epi 20 in which it started to properly show for me. Well, the whole scene in the forest with the workers also went there for me. Like, there are clean-up workers and obvs higher-ranking people. Other squads are sent out to help when there are problems.

It’s a whole fucking system.

And they didn’t even know about the existence of Pillars as proven in epi 20. This is most likely to keep our interests as watchers/readers more or less at the same wavelength and because of a new arc kind of situation. 

But like, the moment they passed that exam they somewhat agreed to work under that organization. And I really, really, love observing inner-workings of such in fictional works.

Like seriously, I love the agency’s dynamic in BSD and I really, really like the Port Mafia because they basically kill people but they have an orderly construction in their systems, it’s fascinating. 

Uhhhhhhhh

I’m gonna go write some prompts now because life.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.