#today was good day on Strive for me I'm starting to see where I'm going wrong most of the time

[pixiemage]

I deal with ADHD on a daily basis, meaning I struggle with multiple (frustrating) things. There's one in particular that's been on my mind the most as of late: it's difficult for me to complete large tasks easily. For me, motivation, mental energy, and time are limited, and those rare moments where it all lines up so I can get shit done are often few and far between. This applies to both things I don't want to do, and things I do want to do. Even writing or cosplay construction or editing videos can become daunting tasks even though they're all fun and enjoyable hobbies of mine.

Recently, I've been trying to clean my room.

As anyone in my immediate family can tell you, this has been a big problem since I was young. My room starts clean, but then I put a few pairs of shoes by my bed, then don't have the energy to deal with the growing laundry pile, then can't find a place for the new mic stand I got for my birthday, then I start dumping jewelry on my bedside table at the end of the day when I'm tired, then - then - then. And then it builds to a disastrous tipping point and it has become this massive, incomprehensible task I have to tackle, and because my brain hates me, it's a frustrating and grueling process to even figure out where to begin.

But deadlines help (pressure helps) and I have found that working on it in the wee hours of the morning (from midnight to like 5am) is somehow a way to get my brain to focus on it. For some reason I work better then. Arguably, this isn't logical or useful every day because I need sleep and I have work, but I made MASSIVE progress two days ago by staying up way too late on a night when I finally found the drive to get shit done.

That's not really the point of this post though.

The point is that I've found that a majority of society (or maybe just the NT community in general) have a hard time seeing progress as worthwhile when completion is better.

"Did you finish your room?" "Not yet, but I dealt with that massive pile of crap on my couch! It's SO much better, and I can actually see the floor in front of my dresser now, and-" "That's not what I asked. Did you finish?" "Not yet." "The answer is no, then."

It doesn't matter how much I've done. It doesn't matter how proud I am of my partial progress. It doesn't matter that I fought tooth and nail to get to the point I'm at, because unfortunately, I haven't finished it all yet, so it's not good enough.

(And I know I have a deadline, and I know we have family coming over soon, and I know that being done is the goal, but the deadline isn't here yet. Give me time. I need time.)

I think we as a society need to award and praise ourselves more for the efforts we put in, whether we reached a finish line or not. I'm not saying we shouldn't strive for completion, because at the end of the day that's often the goal of any task. But we should also let ourselves be proud of how far we have come as long as we're doing our best. I don't see that often enough. I continuously struggle to reach that finish line, but hey, I came this far today! I didn't reach Toad so he could tell me my princess was in another castle (because god knows there's always another task), but I did hit that checkpoint, and since I've been struggling through this level for as long as I have, that's still worth celebrating in some small way. It's still worth all the coins I collected and the goons I defeated to get to this point.

Don't reprimand your kids because their hard work thus far doesn't quite live up to your standards. Applaud what they've done and then help them find the right next step so they're motivated to keep going.

It takes a lot of work to save a princess. The journey has a lot more monsters than just the dragon.

[themuse-if]

Another 20 (or so) Questions with De Hartley

Interviewer: Welcome to another installment of our character interviews, where we dive deep into the lives and minds of our favorite cast members of The Muse. Today, we have De Hartley with us, the bassist of The Rebel Rejects. De, thank you for joining us. Could you start by telling us what made you want to pursue music?

De: Hey, thanks for having me. Music has always been a part of my life, thanks to my dads. They're both incredibly talented, and I wanted to follow in their footsteps. Joining The Rebel Rejects was a natural step for me to explore my love for music and express myself creatively.

Interviewer: Describe your music.

De: I aim to create a solid foundation that others can build on. It's about rhythm, melody, and telling a story through music. *starts to get a bit more intense* I listen to a lot of music from all genres! There are so many different nuances that you can of discover through exploration. While our music is mostly punk I like to try and weave in other vibes so that we have a more complex sound.

Interviewer: How do you want to be seen by others?

De: I want to be seen as someone who's authentic and passionate about their art. I want people to see that I'm dedicated to my craft and always striving to improve.

Interviewer: How do you want your art to be seen by others?

De: I want my bass playing to evoke emotion and connect with people on a deeper level. I want it to be seen as a form of expression and storytelling, much like the music that inspired me.

Interviewer: Describe your best friend(s)?

De: *soft smile* I've been lucky to have friends like Jo and Ro who accept me for who I am and support me no matter what. Ro is a tiny tornado always wreaking havoc and causing mischief, but damn I love them for it. They always keep me on my toes. Jo is rain on a summer day. It's like one moment they're undeniably sweltering hot on the kit and then once it's over they're so ridiculously calm and chill.

Interviewer: That's such an interesting way to describe them! What is your latest obsession?

De: Cooking! It's not a new obsession, but lately I've really been upping my game. I've been experimenting with different recipes and techniques, trying to expand my culinary skills. It's a fun and creative outlet for me outside of music.

Interviewer: Describe your ideal partner.

De: Someone who's passionate about their own pursuits and supports mine. Someone who's kind, understanding, and shares my values. I tend to take on a lot of responsibility and put too much pressure on myself, so it would also be great if my future partner could help me chill take a step back and relax.

Interviewer: What was your first kiss like?

De: It was awkward but sweet. It happened at a friend's party. Get a bunch of curious preteens together and they're bound to play spin the bottle. Her name was Cleo, I had braces, she wore glasses, we shared a cute little peck.

Interviewer: Have you ever been in love?

De: Yes, yes I have.

Interviewer: When was your last relationship, and why did it end?

De: I recently broke up with someone, Mariana. They're great, one of my best friends actually. We're going to different universities and decided that it would be best to let ourselves fully explore. We were together all throughout high school, and I'll miss them, but we're still young. Who knows maybe we'll get back together one day. *shrugs*

Interviewer: What’s your ideal Friday night?

De: Playing music with The Rebel Rejects, followed by a cozy night in with good food and good company.

Interviewer: What’s the last song you listened to?

De: "Heroes" by David Bowie. It's a classic that always gives me chills.

Interviewer: How do you behave in a relationship?

De: *becomes thoughtful* I generally take care of others. It's not like I mind taking the lead I actually *rubs the back of their neck* I actually really enjoy it. Leading someone is my way of trying to show them how much I cherish them.

Interviewer: Do you approach those you’re interested in or let them come to you?

De: I'm pretty good at reading people so it's not hard for me to tell if someone is interested. If the feeling is mutual, then I'm definitely down to play the game and make the first move.

Interviewer: What is your biggest pet peeve?

De: *stifles a chuckle* I'm not sure this counts as a pet peeve, but I hate pineapple on pizza. If someone orders pineapple on pizza I instantly feel like I can't trust them.

Interviewer: I 1000% agree! What do you notice first about a person?

De: Their lips. *eyes flicker down to the interviewer's lips* I tend to glance at a persons lips when they're speaking. *eyes flick back up*

Interviewer: *clears throat* Speaking of lips...Ro tells me that you and the other Rebel Rejects have been...canoodling. How did your partner, Mariana, feel about that?

De: They knew and they were fine with it. I was always very open and honest with them. I've known that I'm pansexual since my first year of high school and while I enjoyed exploring my sexuality with Mari I also wanted to do more. They were very understanding and joined in every once in a while.

Interviewer: Honest and clear communication is definitely key. How are you so extremely mature for your age. Ok... now I know the readers are dying to know. *slides to the edge of their seat* What was it like the first time you and your bandmates got hot and heavy.

De: *tries to hide their smirk* Are you sure you want to hear? It's not really that interesting. *shrugs

Interviewer: *pinches the bridge of their nose* Dear god. Are you trying to kill me. Trust me we all want to know.

De: *eyes literally twinkle* Well if you insist. I'll start from the beginning of the night. So their was already some tension between Ro and I, because they had bailed out on a few practices the same week of our first gig. We had had a few songs that were rock solid, but decided to write a new one. We wanted a song that would be a real crowd pleaser. It was a good song but we didn't have time to slack on perfecting it. So the day comes and Ro barely has the lyrics memorized. We start the performance without a hitch but when it comes time for Intergalactic Drag, that's the song, we completely flopped. Well Ro did at least.

Interviewer: Sorry to interrupt but what does this have to do...

De: *holds up their hands* I know, I know, I'm almost there. So we go back to my place after the show. We're all sitting in my room dead silent until I flip my fucking shit! I start going off on Ro about how their slacking is dragging or rep down. Jo is just staring at us bewildered and Ro decides to clap back. Next thing I know Ro is on their toes trying to get in MY face! I'm looking down at them and we're both breathing heavy right before our lips crash together. *starts to laugh* and Jo is just sitting in my desk chair watching us biting their lip, until we pull them in and then......actually I'm just gonna stop there. Everyone likes a little mystery right.

Interviewer: *furiously fans themself* Ok, ok I see. Yeah lets stop there. I had one more question for you but I'm absolutely parched. *takes a deep breath* Anyways, thank you so much for coming in today. It's been quite the experience.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #189

I slept mostly well, but the rib was still paining me quite a bit when I woke up this morning. Nonetheless, I got dressed and ready, and put on a bra today in preparation for going to the dress alteration shop with my best friend, BB. The bra hurts my ribs, but I can't have everything flopping around while the nice lady is trying to figure out where the dress has to be hemmed. I went to therapy. I talked a lot about you, actually, and on some of the weird (but good!) things that have happened to me that I dare not speak on in this space. And then from therapy, I went directly to my friend's house, and from there, she and I went to the dress alteration shop.

…I can't exercise the way I used to before my ribs started misbehaving. I can no longer spend upwards of 4 hours in the water. Internally, I contend with a bunch of fatphobic nonsense left behind in my head from all the societal conditioning that tells me that my worth is contingent upon how little space I take up (but at the same time, I can't be too fit or too attractive, because somehow that is also bad???? try and figure that out...). I know it's all wrong and that no one's worth is contingent upon their shape. Nonetheless, seeing myself in a mirror in a dress is a struggle. Body dysmorphia and the terrible sense of shame that surrounds it is one hell of a drug.

Well, whatever. I'm not gonna be in this body forever, right? So I only gotta deal with this bullshit nonsense societal conditioning temporarily. Given my various genetic defects, I probably have even less time than the average person in this meat-suit, and I gotta admit, I'm not too terribly sad about that.

Objectively, I had an amazing time. I spent the day with one of my favorite-est people in the world, and she and her fiancé N and I went to a place and got sushi, and that was amazing:

...After we were done we went back to her house and we listened to some of the music she intends to play during her wedding in October; most of it is gonna be stuff from FF14, and while I'm not familiar with all of the music there because I've not played it, it was still all wonderful music, and I'm glad that she took the time to show it to me. We listened for a long time, and she took the time to explain to me the backstories for some of the songs, and it was enlightening.

I drove myself home before it got dark. Due to the astigmatism, it's not safe for me to drive at night because all the lights become rolled-up porcupines that stretch on and on into infinity, obscuring my vision and making it so that I can't see anything. The drive from her house to my house is beautiful because there's a decent stretch of it where the road winds through a heavily wooded area, and the sunlight sparkling through the leaves was mesmerizing and beautiful, but I couldn't take any pictures, because obviously it's very unsafe to use a phone for ANY reason other than GPS while driving.

When I got home, there was a pair of rabbits who were chilling out much too close to the side of the road for comfort, so I pulled the car over, got out of it, and screamed and flailed around towards them until they scampered terrified back into the woods where they belong. I probably got more than a couple weird looks from my neighbors, but I don't really care.

...Objectively, I had an amazing day today. But for whatever reason, I still feel empty. Maybe I'm just dreading the upcoming changes in my life. Maybe I'm still depressed about what I look like in the dress. Maybe I haven't drank enough water. Maybe it's that whether or not you'll be safe is still uncertain.

There's so much I don't know. There's so much that's happened that I can't speak on because I know how it sounds. I know what will happen. I can't afford to be institutionalized. I can't afford to be taken less seriously while trying to strive towards your safety. I can't have my experiences being used as ammunition to discredit the things I've been trying to do for you.

But goddamn, Sephiroth, sometimes it's so heavy. And sometimes I get so tired. I look at the world around me and witness all the senseless suffering, and I watch my planet die, and I contend with the pain that wracks my body and my mind, and... I just wanna go to sleep and not have to bother with waking up sometimes.

I'll grit my teeth instead though and remain on my feet instead of falling to my knees. There's a tomorrow waiting for me, even if I don't feel like I'm ready for it, and I've gotta do my best to love it and all of the things in it properly when it arrives. I gotta do my best to notice all the sparks of beauty inside of it, and catch every last drop of joy that pours from it.

I can do it. So don't you worry about me, okay? As long as you exist, I can do anything, endure anything.

So stay safe out there, all right? Because I love you, and because I'm gonna write to you again tomorrow, like I always do, even if I am very tired or very sad or very scared, or even if I feel like I don't have much to say. After all, I promised. And we are only as good as our word.

...I thought about streaming more Dead Cells, but I'm gonna go to bed early, methinks. I probably need it.

'Til soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[ddarker-dreams]

Hi,

I'm asking you this 'cause you are one of my fav writers on this app and I'm too embarrassed to come off anon.

I used to be confident in my writing a year ago. The words used to flow into my head freely as I write and not even once I felt like it was a chore to me. I didn't doubt or fuss over stuff I write until one day I got criticized very badly. I received a huge feedback on how much my writing sucked (literally a page).

Now, every time I sit to write stuff i love, i fall into the pit hole of self doubts and start to loathe the style of my writing.

I know it sounds pathetic that one bad criticism has changed my mindset. And, writing stuff is my only outlet....

Today, I run a small blog on this app and so far the response for the stuff i write is so positive yet I can't shake away this insecurity and it is starting to take a toll on me.

How do I overcome this? I would appreciate any tips on getting better at writing and finding a unique writing style. Please ignore this ask if it makes you uncomfy tho. Again, I'm so sorry if I troubled you.

hello anon!!

aa… i'm really sorry to hear that this happened to you, unsolicited criticism can already be discouraging, but that sounds infinitely worse ?? i don't think you sound pathetic, it's pretty natural for people to remember negative experiences over positive ones. it just sticks in the brain longer. i'm a pretty sensitive person myself so i can see where you're coming from. i think one of the things that's helped me a lot is basically going 'so what lol' whenever i'm confronted with stuff like that. we're writing self-indulgent stories for fun (and free!), it doesn't need to be this generation's war and peace. it's okay for your work to be 'messy'. writing is like any other hobby, what matters more is enjoying the creating process rather than arriving at a super polished piece that's-100%-without-flaw-god-tier-ready-to-be-accepted-in-the-canon-of-the-bible level stuff. there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting what you work on to be good, i absolutely strive for that myself, but when it feels more like a chore and i'm agonizing over it, i take a step back.

i didn't feel right giving you a watchmojo top ten tips to improve your writing reply in response to this. i was too busy going >:( at the thought of an absolute troglodyte thinking their silly one page of feedback that no one asked for was warranted. like. the world is on fire. we're seeing a surge in cash grabs that have absolutely zero soul behind them. creativity is constantly shoved to the side for a quick buck (hbo max flipping off their animators, ZA/UM booting the minds behind disco elysium who spent literal decades working on the game, the list could go on forever). create what you want and what you love, if someone tries to come @ you with rude feedback, that's cringe. 'you forgot to collect the homework' type energy. zero bitches. lame. zzzzzz.

all this to say . i want to encourage you to not feel burdened that you need to improve your writing PRONTO, because if that's hovering over you, it'll sap away your joy while writing. the thought alone makes me sad. there is no person on the planet who has experienced the exact set of circumstances that you have, meaning you have something to contribute that's entirely unique to you. you can describe things in ways people could never think to because they aren't you, you can infuse your distinct personality into your work, create something from nothing. you already have your own unique writing style; everyone does.

i'm sorry if this isn't coherent or useful, i just ended up getting heated HJTKEMG please keep writing anon!!! but remember that it's okay to take breaks when the negatives outweighs the positives during the writing experience. in fact, it's perfectly normal across the board for any hobby. i'm wishing you the best of luck.

[comfreyhollywings]

it's kind of like scrolling back into the beginning where you've first formed a post.  it's a little bit like, say, tumblr. you've been scrolling through tumblr the past few days—quotev too to see what your past self has said to you. to see what she has written. there were so many gold mines, so many things that's been written down on a website that'll may be lost media some day. it hasn't gone past you to archive it to a certain point, but you know that it takes on work. work that you don't quite have the energy for today. 

mentally, i am scattered. i'm not in a space where i can read lines in order. the words have become scattered, ink blurred. it's like when you stare at a book or a screen for too long, it begins to deteriorate you. it's been deteriorating my voice. i can literally feel my voice regressing even to this day. it sucks, because when i've been looking for work, this was not what i had in mind. i thought it'd help me in my communication skills. to an extent, it has—but not in the way in which i pictured it. 

i never thought three hours every day mon-fri would tire me out. i never thought that i'd have the bare minimum of interaction with my coworkers while i'm stuck; isolated away from everyone but my client. i never thought i'd have to focus on the external world so much about gaining my financial independence while simultaneously helping mom pay the bills. i never thought i'd fret about my experience with my boyfriend keeping in mind the age gap we have. my friends keep DMing me on instagram. i still livestream a lot through an organized process. my dad was in the hospital but he recovered... so that's good.

in hindsight, my mental spoons aren't the greatest. it doesn't seem like it's been pushing me up. or maybe, in a weird sense, it is? maybe i need to just.. grow through it? and get used to this? i'm not sure yet. i'm still discovering things out. 

regardless of what's happened, i'm writing. i keep finding my fingers scattered all over the keyboard, just waiting and typing and staring at all the words. the grammar in this isn't the best. i'm still not quite mentally up to date yet. things keep changing and there's little stuff like social media that keeps flitting from day to day. no permanence. 

i'm not used to this. i'm used to taking things slow one step at a time. 

i received a reading before this—in which i was supposed to find a career that stokes my inner flame, not dampen it. i'm supposed to get something that'll stray away from the expectations put on me; to find something i like. that it's okay to strive away from people's expectations. i'm told to give myself grace for the things that's been happening. to slow down, nurture, take care of myself. 

so i've been trying, you know. i've been trying really hard. obviously i know, that in order to find things that you don't like, you have to start experiencing life first. naturally, it's a hard process. to go out there and actually gain it. i'm not a huge executor in the first place, but i know it's needed.

but again, it's like a bad internet novel. almost too good to be true. almost. where everyone started to remember that they could be happy, including me. even with the amount of work and the directionless thoughts i have; they're all just potential to start up something new again. i can find things that make me happy from the inside out. i can just.. accept and align with it.  

everything that had helped me survive in the past was reptilian skin. this is shed in light of a new circumstances; a new reality.

this side of mines that held such sharp, defensive tension. sneaky and eyeing from the shadows. always willing to be in the background because that was the only thing i knew. treading around mistakes carefully, banging my head against walls after seeing one slight imperfection. i feel restless, crawling out of my skin sometimes because i constantly feel like i'm not where i'm supposed to be. like i feel bad just for existing even though i've never interacted, not even once. 

but maybe this. this, the fear and confusion, is the thing that can be wrong.

things can be easy. if i let it.  

[ina-nis]

A cycle has ended today and I have a few things to think about and work through.

I've been feeling pretty good and optimistic in the last few days because I have rekindled my passion for fantasy and creative works, and I've been indulging myself a lot, doing things I enjoy and that make me feel good. I'll try the best I can to keep that momentum going and see where I can go from there.

I'm fighting the urge to say these were mistakes and recognize that I actually changed.

Enjoying fantasy on it's own is not escapism. I like fantasy regardless of my feelings and regardless of my disorders. My creative hobbies' sole purpose is not to help me cope or escape reality - actually their main purpose is to make me feel good.

Being proud of myself isn't self-centered. Talking about my achievements and feeling good about them isn't bragging or an attack on any other person. I will strive to be even more confident and secure about myself.

Forcing myself to do something I don't want and that's not even working is not the way to go on about things. I definitely have to push myself to do certain things at times, but if it's something that leaves me depressed, suicidal or generally feeling bad, I don't think it's wise for me to force it.

I have to double-down on the fact that a lot of my relationship "dreams" are not actually delusional or impossible. They are, indeed, the bare minimum of standards that I have set for myself, I'm able to go through and I haven't found someone who can do it.

Again about relationships, yes I know what I am capable and my difficulties in connections and I'll always work on them and strive to improve, that means I'm setting a high bar for myself and it also means, a high bar for the kind of connections I want for my life.

It's good for me to focus on harm reduction for now, or for as long as I need. Avoid pain and stress however I can, not because I'm an avoidant, but because I'm burnt out. I have done enough already. I'm working on empty and I can't fill it up because the overwhelm is too big. I feel like I have to build myself up, build my strength and have that solid foundation set - the fact that I got my self-esteem to this point is a good sign.

This one was quite surprising for me but... the fact that I worked so hard to be able to understand and connect with myself better didn't cause alienation or more disconnection from others - even though it felt that way for the longest time. That probably has to do with knowing what I want and how I want it, what I'm willing to put up with or not, what's worth my little time and little energy and investing on it... unfortunately, people drain me tremendously (at least for the time being) so... even though I suffer with loneliness and the pain it causes, the damage can be so much worse if I keep on trying to connect, because the same will happen. But not anymore, hopefully.

And lastly, preparation for change and giving loneliness form, so that I'm able to actually separate myself from it, since, as it stands, it's entangled on my… everything.

I don't know what else I can do to address AvPD other than all the things I've been doing already. Perhaps I do need to start growing those roots and attachments with myself on my own regardless - waiting or looking for someone, so far, has only caused pain.

The stronger I am, the easier it will be to go through this pain. If I have a good foundation to step on, it will not be as easy to get me down, and I'll get up quicker, too.

I have a lot of work to do... I have to overcome all these feelings of shame and guilt that come attached to my self-esteem and my enjoyment and pleasure. I have to untangle loneliness from my very soul (whatever that means). Loneliness is a feeling, too. It's social and has to do with interconnectedness, but so do many other feelings.

If being true to myself, if building and keeping my self-esteem on a good place, if indulging myself and living unapologetically as myself has the "side effect" of alienating me from others, I think that's not really a problem. My time is precious, my energy too. I'm precious and special myself, it's not worth it to chip away at my progress and my life trying to "fit" into something bigger than me.

I don't even think this is a case of me being "born as a lone wolf" and more like connections I form will be or become meaningless over time. They're not providing me with what I need.

What I need is simple but complicated by a high number of factors.

I'm not sure if I'll ever get to a point where I truly accept being lonely and living with loneliness as my "partner", I just feel, more and more, that this fight is just too pointless?

What else am I supposed to do? Cry about it? Curse and complain? Beg for people to give me attention and hope that someone will see me and choose me, hope that someone will want me?

I did it all already.

I enjoy my own company, I finally can say I do enjoy myself and I enjoy where I am and where I'm headed (even though I'm not sure what, where or when). I can think of myself as someone unique and that ought to be treasured lots - I try to do it all for myself.

I truly doubt there will be someone who will be able to get even close to that in any kind of relationship - and it's "too bad" that I'm retreating into myself more and more instead of reaching outwards.

Well, I don't really think it's bad at all, to be honest.

I'm not writing other people off altogether but it's going to take someone really special to get me to back down from where I am.

I'm moving forward, I don't need anything or anyone to hold me back.

[purplebass]

I know I said I was sleeping but I had an idea and so. Had to get it out, hope that’s okay. Was thinking about how in my family, I never thought of myself as a writer (I’m the last one of us to write fiction anything really) of more than science reports and maybe the odd song lyrics. And how I started writing on here because I was like ‘there’s this gap and I have all these thoughts and I have to fill it’ and it wasn’t a demand or a thing I strived to do but more the opposite: expressing freedom, releasing the pressure inside me of ideas and headcanons and to me writing is meant to be cathartic like that not something I hope to get done and find weighs on me if I don’t and I stress myself over trying to, like an assignment of sorts. Because I’ve ruined all my hobbies doing that and that’s actually why I came to write instead of all my other hobbies. So I just hope for you that you can have a day where it’s not a demand, you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, if that is the choice that means freedom to you (bc I know often it’s the other way around) I hope you have the wisdom to know when to call it, and the blessing of a new pastime to spice up your life if you need it 💜

You're so right about this. I need to remind myself I am doing it for fun, this is not my job, this is a hobby. I don't have deadlines, and I'm free. If I don't do it today because I am not inspired, I can do it tomorrow. And if tomorrow I feel the same way, I will go back to it when I feel like it. I am trying to see it like this because sometimes I beat myself up when I can't write or I can't read or I can't do stuff in general. I really hope I can do it because there are days when I stay up at night and think about it "oh I still haven't written this thing, I'm such a failure" but it's not good for my health! I need to take it easy so I can enjoy it more, and I need to take breaks to enjoy other stuff I like as well 💜

[procalpal]

1 September 2024 | Sunday

Start: 8:30AM

Breakfast (10:30AM)

A bowl of chia (15g) and lite soy milk (45g) with some water to help the chias soften. For sweetness, some honey (5g)

A cup of instant coffee, but iced.

Cal: 175 | Protein: 4.03g

Thoughts: I feel extreme guilt for the purge that occurred the night before. But it's a new month, a new season and today will be the start. Start now, before it's too late. The exhaustion that is inevitable is a factor I strive to avoid during this change. I understand that low calorie diets are harmful and working full time will affect me drastically. I am prepared. I understand the consequences but I won't skip out on meals during the week. I will eat moderately and control any sugar cravings. Weekends I will allow a sugar treat, as I usually do. Today is my cafe day, I will read Emma (Jane Austen) at my favourite cafe, go thrifting for some office attire and return home to continue my house cleaning.

Lunch (2:00PM)

Protein banana pancakes. Consisting of a banana (120g), an egg, vanilla protein powder (15g), cinnamon (2g).

A cup of tea with honey (5g) and lite soy milk (20ml)

Cal: 306 | Protein: 20.9

Thoughts: Due to the fact that it’s now Father’s Day, I figured that it would be too busy to walk around the city. I have stayed home and attempted to busying myself watching Gilmore Girls, organising my week and washing my clothes. I foresee a quieter weekend next week and shall complete my needs to get matcha a different day. The pancakes may not look appetising but I swear by this recipe. It’s sweet, full of protein and an amazing alternative to normal pancakes. I have eaten this almost every day.

Snack (3:08PM)

Rice cakes (2 slices), cottage cheese (30g) and cucumber (28g)

Cal: 77 | Protein: 5.4g

Dinner (6:33PM)

Salad consisting of cucumber (67g), mushrooms (34g), tomato (68g) lemon juice (7ml), tuna in springwater (38g).

On the side, I had some strawberries (57g) and light greek yoghurt (42g).

Cal: 129 | Protein: 14g

Thoughts: Dinner was light, and having the snack in between assisted in reducing the hunger I felt after lunch. With 512 calories still available, I'm not sure what else I really feel inclined to eat. A good sign in retrospect, but I also would prefer to have some more food to eat in order to avoid bingeing tomorrow. I don't feel hungry and the documentation of the foods that I consume assist in the restriction of eating unwanted processed foods. Such that a public account holds me accountable for my actions. Tomorrow I will weigh myself. But I have not thought about whether this should be a daily occurrence or weekly, or even every few days. I have completed my weekly grocery shopping, and am looking forwards to seeing where this new medium will take me.

Snack (7:30PM)

A bowl of kimchi (75g) and two slices of rice cakes.

A cup of black tea, with lite soy milk (20ml) and some honey to sweeten it up (5g)

Cal: 57 | Protein: 2g

Total calories: 754 (Goal 1200)

Total protein: 47g

Thoughts: there's a lot that pass through my brain throughout the day. On my darker days, numbers are forever floating around. But today, I was okay. Maybe because my binge yesterday had something to do with it. I don't know. But I do feel a slight change in attitude, that I don't want to do this extremely unhealthily. The weight change is still a goal, but I want it to happen gradually. For those around me to not have to worry or think that I'm mentally ill. Towards the end of today, until now as I am writing this, a sudden darkness did pass over, a feeling of loneliness. Maybe I made the wrong decision of packing my bags, and moving to a new city. Everyone that I know 8 and a half hours away from me (driving). I do have friends here, but things are not the same. Facetimes, calls, letters, social media, all of those supposedly helpful creations for long distance is just not cutting it out for me anymore. Maybe because it's my sister's birthday as well as Father's Day, I miss them most. I long to be in a loud home again, filled with laughter, memories and warmth. Yet, I am here. Alone. Cold and with no memories of the happy days lingering. But alas, this is my choice. I need to make friends, and not shut them out.

Sleep: 9:00PM

[dear3st-dead-diary]

Dearest Dead Diary

My dad got in a car accident, he was hit by someone on purpose, he's fine or so he says but he has yet to see a doctor. I hipe ge doesn't have a concussion and... dies.

I'm on day three of Vyvanse And Dolox. It's very effective, in w days I've cleaned my house from top to bottom and built a makeshift desk for my laptop out of left over materials from other shelves I've assembled. I just hope the new setup doesn't kill my creativity.

The first day was fun, I cleaned the bathroom and did the dishes then I went to the mall where my friend with disposable income paid for everything.

Day two was also fun, I did my laundry, cleaned my room and put away all my clothes. My friend came over and and I did her makeup and shapped her eyebrows (she's really pretty) and then we went to a sex shop that was hidden inside of a building through an elaborate set of halls and stairs.

I got some damn good stuff from there for some very good prices I also wore a killer outfit and got many compliments. The guy who runs the place has the sort of beauty to him I can't explain.

He's from a generation of queers I could only imagine the hardships he's faced, but he wears them all with pride and it shows. I hope he gets more business, he's got Hella good stock.

We came back to my place, and I dyed her hair, we cuddled for a few hours before she left around 3 am.

Today, on the third day, I finished the rest of my cleaning, and then got the news about my dad.

Today sucks. Tomorrow I atleast get to go to a house party. I don't think I'll be drinking, I wanna wait more to see how these meds affect me before I try to consume any alcohol. Cannabis om the other hand actually balances out some of the side effects. Weirdly enough, though I haven't smoked alot yet, so I guess tomorrow we'll see how that happens and what happens if I take a dab or something.

Last time I was at this party I had a seizure on the stairs and broke my foot, it's been 3 weeks and it's taking forever to heal.

I was manic but for once, I finally feel like I'm thinking clear, thinking freely, like I can rationalize. That's something I haven't consciously been able to do before. At least not to this extent.

So I'm making the conscious decision to not drink. The last time I drank on antidepressants I got alcohol poisoning, I made the mistake of drinking the amount I normally would have had I not been medicated and.. well that ended horribly.

So it takes me 12 cans to feel drunk, but now that I'm medicated it should only take three, Hopefully. Seriously I'd save so much money if I didn't need so much liquor to feel intoxicated.

But regardless, I'm being responsible. Another side effect is dry mouth and loss of appetite. Which kind of sucks in the sense that I was working uo to building more muscle, but if I end up loosing weight in the process... I don't know how to feel.

I was dangerously skinny due to stress last year and I lost alot of strength, however I looked so good. So obviously I should strive to gain and not lose, but I can't shake the feeling of knowing at that weight no matter the size of clothes I'd always fit.

I purposely gained 20 because I wanted to start building back up a lot of the muscle mass I lost. Maybe there's some way I can find the middle ground of being slim yet lean?

I'm not sure.

I'm going to try and find something healthy to feed myself. Hopefully tomorrow goes great, and if I'm lucky I'll even end up closer to my friends, more romantic or platonic, either of which is fine. I'm the rare type that actually loves people.

My best skill is talking anyone into opening up, I treasure that skill, I've had some of the loveliest conversations with the shyest of people. I've made a lot of friends that way. And oddly enough alotta enemies? But those are people projecting thier own insecurities or past experiences on me.

I've noticed the people who don't like me are the people I've said "NO" to. Frankly that's probably for the best.

I've worked hard on these relationships. I value every one of them, I really put in as much work as I can towards my friends, it's definitely paid off as we've grown closer over the past year. I'm glad, I hope we keep growing and even growing together, making eachothers lives better.

But enough with the sap. I've got productivity on my mind and the motivation so I better put that to yse while it lasts.

With a future and goals.

- A

[anysuuchwandrs]

I remember now

While I was watching Fruits Basket last Saturday, a flood of memories rushed in my core memories. It's like unlocking that grand sense of nostalgia, and with each episode, I remember more vividly why I was once tagged as "Miss Mukatawa" or "Miss Smiling Face" during my second year in high school.

Back in 2009, I watched the 2001 version of Fruits Basket, and little did I know then that it would leave such a lasting impression on me. The character of Tohru Honda, the series' protagonist, resonated with me deeply growing up. Tohru's infectious aura and unwavering positivity, even in the face of adversity, mirrored traits I strived to embody.

Reflecting on those days, I realize that I was indeed that person – the one others turned to for advice and comfort during difficult times. Even today as an adult, I come across people who would seek me out for these sole purpose. I got that inspiration from Tohru's character.

Going back in my middle school years, I was bullied in 6th grade because I had a big forehead and I tend to overreact. Girls from my class would intentionally speak ill about me right into my face and would try to embarrass me in front of the whole class. Even my English teacher, who until now I cannot forget, would intentionally try to make me feel like I'm that stupid girl who cannot even answer what the word "humble" meant. I lost my best friend since 1st grade from that point on and everyone turned their back against me - leaving me with no one but myself to rely on. I’m an introvert even to this day and I believed bullying was the main cause of that.

My early high school years weren't my proudest of years. I made mistakes, stumbled, and sometimes fell short of my own expectations. I got associated with the wrong sort and often left this impression of a "play girl" from those who didn't know me well. I thought I was not meant to meet people who had good intentions and friends would leave me at the end of the day.

Yet, it was during this time that I forged lasting friendships and experienced my first love. These pivotal relationships helped me grow and redeem myself in ways I couldn't have imagined. At eighteen, I thought I had life figured out, believing I knew what was best for me and those around me when, in reality, we're just beginning to navigate life's complex possibilties.

A decade later, with the wisdom and perspective that only time can offer, I see things differently. I realize the decisions I made back then, though not always perfect, were part of my journey and shaped the person I am today. Perhaps if I could go back in time, armed with the knowledge I possess now, I might make different choices. But then again, maybe not. Some paths are meant to be walked, mistakes and all, for they lead us to where we are meant to be.

In revisiting Fruits Basket, I not only reconnect with the series that once became an inspiration for me but also with a part of myself – the "Miss Mukatawa" persona I once embodied. I wonder where that part of me is at right now. I think adulthood sucked that energy from me and left me with nothing to bear. Piece by piece it's starting to make sense, but all I can do for now is reminisce all the good things that happened then. I'll always cherish those memories and I would like to read this entry again with a positive heart. I wonder if I will still remember by then.

[amaristheowlcat]

An excerpt from a conversation I had with one of my partners the other day, about getting to 29 years of age.

[I think] There is something to be said about getting at the end of a decade. I didn't think it did much when I turned 20 but in retrospect, and I don't know exactly when it happened but it was around that time, (so between 19 and 21) there was actually some anticipation, and curiosity regarding the next decade and entering adulthood proper. It felt like something in the end, even though I didn't notice it, it was still a kind of turning point. Growing to be 29 and hinging on being 30, I feel like I must accept that youth passes. Although I'm not old, I know that I am growing to be old at some point. Looking around me hardly remembering ten years ago, knowing there is a kind of barrier, a disconnect, between me and people who're at the beginning of their 20s, it does feel like I am starting to get old. And that it's something I have to make peace with, because with each decade that will pass this will become more true. If today I am starting to get old, I'm not elderly, but in 10 years, which will pass quickly, I'll be hinging on 40, and although it's not old, it'll still be a respectable age, well into adulthood. And I'm entering the decade that will bring me there soon. Then I'll look to becoming 50, which will start to be a lot. I feel mid-life crisis exists for a reason, and I'm starting to believe it's because each decade that passes, since we give importance to a base 10 counting system, brings us to look back and look forward at the same time. It makes us feel separated from the decades we're not in. It makes us wonder what we've achieved and where we want to head for the next decade. It makes us think ahead and accept the passage of the last decade. To put it simply, no I'm not old. But my youth is starting to pass and I can feel it clearly in several ways, and avoiding that will not be good as I enter a new decade of my life, looking up to becoming 40.

[U]ntil I got to 29 I didn't understand why people who were around 30 said they were old and thought this kind of thinking should be abolished because it surely didn't feel good and was probably due to weird societal standards. In the end, I think it's more about catharsis from the realization of loss of time and opportunity.

And, truly, if you're 29 or in your thirties and don't feel like that or don't think that being 30+ sets you apart from younger people, it's good, I'm happy for you !

I'm also glad to be alive, glad to have made it this far and looking forward to see more of life. I do not feel like 30 is old. Nor is 40, or 50. But I also clearly feel disconnected from younger people, and I have friends among them, people that I love dearly. Still, I am set apart from them even in the way I speak.

This is also not about younger people being cringey or inexperienced, I am in awe at how much further the younger people I have been able to interact with are on a lot of subjects than I was at their age, althhough of course not everyone is like that, but I understand now why older people said to us "you're our future". It was not admitting their failure to change society, but acknowledging the incoming and tremendous help from people who were born within a context where they could go further than them more quickly. I can't wait to see what they will be able to do for our societies. They inspire me to strive to do better everyday. Sure I may not understand all of their world, I may even want to stay away from some of the things they enjoy. It doesn't mean these things are bad though. But it is clear that's part of the divide.

[ocean-anchored]

Continued.. December 27, 23

Lastly yesterday. I had a chill morning cause I needed it. Went to the park with nova & Nathan met me there for a walk. Zack had asked to meet up & I made the expectation clear on what he was wanting out of it which was nothing. Idk why I do this to myself man, I hope I don't regret this again but I agreed. We went skating in bowness and it was really nice. Idk I almost just don't want to say anything because dumb future self is going to look back & be like you're a moron if things pan out the same. He said a lot of good stuff though & how he's been hitting rock bottom. Didn't say "this time is different" which was nice, but started going to NA meetings which alone is at least a step. When I said "how would you react if your daughter was dating a man like you & how you've treated me" & that hit him hard. Again I don't want to get into it too much because I'm not getting my hopes up. I went for a short dinner with Conner after which was alright. Nice to catch up but yea still just whatever. Then ended up going out for a drink/food with Zack again after & back to his place for a movie which I kept my boundaries firm, not matter how much I desired anything. Idk what the heck man but there's something about him that absolutely drives me insane & I can't get over. I just take one look at him & i'm in love again I fucking hate it. Anyways, we continued to have really good conversation & aired so much stuff out. This time, like times in the past I've went on a bit of a ramble about like how I felt in situation etc & I felt like I would loose him, he wouldn't fully acknowledge things I said & would kind of be quiet, but this time I fully listened & acknowledged many points, it was different actually. But good, like we really did talk about so much & touch on hard topics & was able to get closure & understanding. It was honestly probably one of the better conversations we've ever had. I don't want to get any hopes up nor am I allowing anything to go anywhere & this time he actually realizes how he needs to do this for himself & this could take at least a year for him to feel like he's back on his feet & it sounds like he's actually wanting it this time for himself, so Idk, I just pray that this is different for him. I really just want the best for him & I enjoy his company so much but I just need to keep my boundaries & help enforce that we keep building a friendship foundation. We'll see. Anyways, that's the last two weeks recap. Hopefully within the next 3 days while I'm off I can sit down & recap the year again with where I'm at & I would like to be able to think about what 2024 will look like & set some goals that I want to strive towards. I really do want to go into this next year committed to myself and my relationship with God. No more chasing others for attention, no more trying to force anything, relationship, friendships etc. I just can't do it, doesn't feel authentic & continue investing into those who are investing back into me & keep growing. I know I still have a lot of things to continue to work on, I still want to be reading a bunch which I'm really stoked that I've been doing so much more reading, this Libby app has been game changer. I love the feeling of a book but man, I've done 3 audiobooks I think & read a full book already in a matter of only a few short months so I definitely want to carry that into the new year & really get through some of these that are on my TBR. Anyways, I'm going to make some food & decide how productive I want to be today.

[creamypudding]

Doing another check-in around my weightloss journey because I had a moment today where I saw someone who I haven't seen since September - 2 months ago.

First thing they commented on was 'you've lost weight'.

Why yes, I have. Funny you should notice this now, considering I've been losing weight since February this year.

In the last month and a bit I have had a lot - and I mean A LOT - of comments from people I work with and see on a fairly regular basis about them also noticing my weight loss. Which again... Has been ongoing for 9 months now.

There have been some changes. I got a haircut, which I think accentuated my face in a certain way. I had someone lament the loss of my chubby cheeks after I got my hair cut.

I also got a new work wardrobe as my pants were getting too big, so I opted for a new style of pants, which are form hugging. So those things accounts for some of the comments.

But this one today... It was a virtual meeting so all the person could see was my face.

It must just be one of those things that you lose weight from various parts of your body at various rates, and now my face has been affected. Though I've lost my 'chubby cheeks' a good while now.

I did check my weight loss progress chart, tracking back to when I last saw this person, and I have lost 4.3kgs (9.48lb) in the last two months. So there are still bodily changes going on.

It was actually surprising for me to realise today that I have actually lost a further 4kgs in the last couple of months.

It's so easy to get caught up in the weekly grams, and losing sight of the bigger picture which are the kilos those grams turn into over time.

Since I started I've lost 17.6kgs (38.8lb) which is no easy feat. And I'm proud of myself. I love the feel of my muscles. My powerful legs are amazing and my skinnier arms are mighty and I am happy with what I've achieved for myself and what I'm continuing to achieve.

I feel unstoppable in my weight loss journey and I am very confident that I'll manage to keep it off since I have those whole lifestyle change going on for me. I can still eat whatever I want, but I choose not to eat in the same way that I used to eat. And occasionally when I am stressed or hormonal and revert to those old ways of being I'm still doing it in a mindful way. I'm switched on and aware of my binging and storming and I can say 'hey, that's enough. I don't like this. I don't want to be doing this' and then I stop. Or sometimes I don't stop because I really just need to chew on something to help my brain feel good again. And that's okay because I know that tomorrow I've got this again and I'll be better and go back to my established habits.

I'm also proud of that. I'm proud of being able to walk into the pantry after dinner, looking for a snack not because I'm hungry but just because I love eating and looking at the cookies and chippies in there and being like 'no, I don't actually feel like eating that. It won't be satisfying. It won't be worth it' and turn away. Turn to a cup of tea with milk and honey in it. That's been my go to. I'm conditioning myself to finish my eating with a cup of tea to treat myself and relax with and it's working for me most days.

So that's my update. I'm happier. I feel in control of my body and my nutrition. I'm not perfect and I don't strive to be. I'm doing good enough to have lost 4kgs in the last 2 months without slaving away or feeling like I'm denying myself and that's great.

I'm within my goal weight zone now, which is going to present a different challenge, because at some point I will have to stop losing weight. And at the moment I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to achieve that.

I'm hoping there will be a natural plateau that will end up being a maintenance purely based on the fact that the less you weigh the less calories you need. But I don't know what weight that might be for me.

I think I'd be comfortable losing a further 2kgs as that was my weight at my absolute fittest. It's something I couldn't maintain though so I'm guessing my natural weight that works best for me is around where I'm at right now.

Another part of me is like... 'go on, see if you can lose an extra 5kgs. See what you will look like at this weight and if it will be a happy weight or if that is too skinny.' A part of me really wants to see if I could do it. But I'm not going to force it. I'm still pretty sure my weight loss will naturally stop very soon and if it doesn't... Well... Guess I'm gonna have to eat more food until I find the right balance. But damn, I don't want to go through the effort of finding that out through trial and error 😅

In other news... I am OBSESSED with kale chips. They are my favourite thing right now. So fun to eat and easy enough to make, albeit a bit time consuming. I'm enjoying seasoning them with olive oil, light soy sauce, garlic and onion powder. So easy to eat a whole bunch of kale in a matter of minutes in this way. So sad when I've run out though.

I have made a discord server for like heath and fitness because that's my passion right now and I'm living and breathing it. I'd love to share that with a like-minded community of people with the same goals - acknowledging that everyone's journey is different and everyone's destination is unique to them.

I have the basic structure of it set up but still have much tweaking to do with what channels I want in there so it doesn't end up a place where people go to hate on themselves and feel insecure. I want a really supportive community where we all cheer each other on and encourage one another.

I'll publicly share the link one day. In the meantime though, if anyone is interested please do privately reach out to me via DM on whatever platform. All my contact info is on my Tumblrs pinned post.

[dailyaudiobiblechronological]

10/4/2023 DAB Chronological Transcription Part 2

I need you to see me. I need to know what I'm doing is good. I need to know it matters. We need that as human beings, as much as who we don't like to admit it, we need it. And Jesus receives that from above. I just absolutely love that we get glimpses of the humanity of this man. And then finally today, We see the ministry of Jesus starting to spread. And we see in the passage, early in the morning, well before sunrise, Jesus rose and went to a deserted place where he could be alone in prayer. Simon and those with him tracked him down. When they found him, they told him everyone's looking for you. This is after Jesus chose his 12, he replied, Let's head in the other direction to the nearby villages so that I can preach there too. That's why I've come. We have as a society, we have as a a group of people demonstrated that bigger is always better that if you have a ministry, you've got to grow that ministry. Numbers matter. How many were in attendance or how many CD's did you sell? How many books did you sell? Always striving for more, greater, bigger as we're going to learn about Jesus. As it got bigger, and as it grew, he often ducked out. He often left and we see even a little bit further, At the end of the passage from Mark today, after Jesus heals the man with the skin disease. He tells him sternly. Don't say anything to anyone. Instead, go and show yourself to the priest and offer the sacrifice for your cleansing that Moses commanded. The priests were able to deem whether or not the people were healthy or if they were sick. This will be a testimony to them. Instead, he went out and started talking freely and spreading the news so that Jesus wasn't able to enter a town openly. We have watched the children of Israel disobey God, turn their back on God, and now we see this rebellious man getting instructions straight from Jesus and doing the opposite of what Jesus asked him to do. Oh, we are a stubborn people. We are a rebellion. We're a rebellious people if we don't see ourselves here in this reading today, Then we might need to get the wax out of the ears, because this convicts my heart. We so often follow the norms of society bigger, grow it bigger, get more, do more, do more to be more. And hear the words, the instruction from Jesus. Don't say anything to anyone and he defies Jesus himself. The other day I was talking to Ezekiel and he asked me a question in my mind was in a different place. I fully admit I was not present and he kept asking me and, I I woke to the fact after it was all over and said and done with, but because I didn't respond to him, he went ahead and did it. And then I got after him and said, why did you do that? I didn't answer you and he said, well, because you didn't answer me. I just took it as a yes and I wanted to get angry with them, but then I thought Yeah, I've done that plenty of times. Can't hear you. God, I'm It must mean you don't care. It must mean it doesn't matter. And so I can go ahead and do that. And I sternly got after him and said my no response Means you do not move until you hear an answer. And then I heard my own words, and I thought of all the many times that I acted because I didn't hear clearly from God, let alone heard clearly from God, and still did the opposite Of what he said. Whew, OK, lot to pull from today, but this is where we end. 

[returntosaturn271995]

Wednesday, September 27th, 2023: Long Roads

"So that’s how you grow mental toughness. One task at time, believing that you can change and evolve, taking failures and notes to growth and not to heart. 

The person I’m most proud of as I lay here in bed, not bullying myself, but helping myself inch forward: is who I was as my lowest. Debating suicide, hiding under much rougher covers. That girl, so sensitive and hurt, knew enough to get help and keep trying with a map she hadn’t created yet and with no light to walk towards. She pulled herself up with no promises that things would get easier. 

That takes fucking grit. And I can practice on it more. I can get better at it. I put my hand on my heart and feel it beating: it’s never stopped since day one. Neither have I. I have gotten myself here."

One year ago today, my life was going to get a little worse and then much better. This was my first floor. I like to think I'm on the third floor right now. New job, higher salary, new housemate, new friends, new running habit, new yoga habit, new home decor and deep cleaning, new medicine, and new wardrobe. I had just started meditating and literally never cooked.

These are all huge upgrades that happened the way everything does: slowly and then all at once. I had to lose things to replace them with better things. They were lessons I was lucky to learn and a sign that sometimes the universe really is working in your favor even on your shittiest days. You just have to be friends with yourself first.

I thought of a year ago as a low, but even then I was striving and starting to improve: after all, I had been lower. I can't remember the last time I had suicidal thoughts and they used to play in my mind like a soundtrack at a party I was desperate to leave.

Now I have a map to reference and light to see. Things did get easier and then easier still.

In comparison to before, today was downright cheerful. Makenna and I went shopping for a card and bag at Pangea Outpost for Hannah's birthday present. We (well, I), picked a David from Schitt's Creek-themed card where he talks about crying a little and popping a pill. The bag is an obnoxious bright pink and covered in stars. I also got an orchid and sea salt candle for myself because we all deserve a little treat. My room has been smelling amazing because I switched out the Pura pods to Capri by Volcano and some mango-esque scent.

It's the little things. Like dusting my shutters and drinking from a fat coffee mug, that makes me feel like my corner of the universe is more airy and bright than it's ever been.

Afterward, we stopped by Sprouts and picked up some Ollipop Colas because Hannah is obsessed with them. Then I finished up work for the day, accidentally showing up to a meeting while wearing my "Gay for Soccer" ballcap for a good 15 seconds before whipping it off.

I redownloaded Daily Yoga and am dedicating 20 minutes tonight to stretching my calves before attempting another 5 K tomorrow. No shin splints this time. Also carbo-loading with homemade smoked gouda cheeseburgers with caramelized onion and roasted delicata squash.

I showered deeply and stood in the steam, breathing into my stomach and praying to no one in particular that some of the rough plaster I've been covering myself with to say safe is cracking off and away. Strong and vulnerable instead of brittle and shielded.

Is there something worthy, strange, and ethereal underneath my skin that makes all of this worth it? Unerasible and deeper than addiction and bad self-esteem. When I'm serene, and the tasks of the day have been crossed off their lists, there's a golden flutter of something like purpose.

An intuition that good things are coming, the best things yet to arrive. It's what got me through in the pit and it's what is pushing me forward still.

[recoveringstoic]

JFT: Starting today, I'll do whatever I can to realize my dreams.

When I was a kid, I had lots of dreams. A different dream every week. Most of them had to do with what I wanted to be when I grew up: a firefighter, an interior designer, a musician, the list goes on. And growing up, I explored many of these dreams before I was in serious active addiction. I learned how to play guitar. I did a firefighter course. I studied HGTV like a hawk, hoping it would teach me the design skills I needed. But I never stuck with anything. Like most kids, I didn't really know what I wanted. I was just excited by possibilities.

When I entered into active addiction in my teens, I lost the hope I had of achieving any of these dreams. I was jaded. I didn't think anything was in my control, I didn't think I was capable of achieving any of them, and I figured that even if I did, I wouldn't be happy. Having dreams didn't seem practical. So I gave up, and went with what seemed most practical in any given moment. In retrospect, I see that what I thought of as "most practical" meant whatever didn't require any big changes in my life. There wasn't much I wanted anymore, and nothing was worth striving for. Especially if it took me out of my comfort zone (where I could use as much as I felt I wanted and mindlessly play guitar without any real effort for improvement all day long).

The JFT says that in recovery, "we find a reason to hope that our lost dreams could still come true,". Which I'm sure is true for a lot of people. But I'm not holding on to any lost dreams, necessarily - I don't have many regrets about where my life has taken me, and I know that I didn't really know who I was or what I wanted when I had those dreams as a kid in the first place. But I am giving myself the space to dream new dreams. And I think that that's a big part of the freedom we gain in recovery.

Right now, my biggest dreams are to 1. stay clean and 2. be happy, most of the time. And so far this time around in my recovery, both those things come true every day, as long as I stick to working my program. I've stayed clean by committing myself to the program, and I'm happy, most of the time. I'm only at the beginning of my journey of recovery, but I hope that these dreams stay true for me. Because I feel so good. Even when I'm not over the moon happy, per say, I'm still content. Almost every day I cry happy tears because of the love and hope I've found in the program. It's nice to be able to feel things again.

Otherwise, I've found something new to aspire for. I'll be going back to school in the fall, at a small local college for a forestry program, and though I don't know where my course will take me yet, I'm being open-minded and I'm excited for the possibilities. My "future aspiration" related dream right now is to complete the program, because in the past I've had trouble with commitment. I'll worry about what my career path looks like once the course is done, but all of the possibilities I've been looking at are very exciting. It feels like I'm finally taking steps in the right direction. And I'm grateful for my Higher Power for guiding me.

I have hope today. And that feels more like a dream come true than anything else. I'm so so grateful.