#truly i am sorry for being gone so long my life got so fucked up and im still struggling

[strangersteddierthings]

"Look, Steve, I don't have any bad feelings towards you," Eddie says, has been saying, talking nonsense, like he and Steve weren't anything more than fuckbuddies, like he isn't breaking Steve's heart. "I used you too, y'know?"

It's then Steve rears back like he been slapped. Or punched. It feels more like a gutting. Joke's on him, he supposes. Once again, he wants more than the other person. He wanted a boyfriend, Eddie'd wanted sex. Why does he keep trying? When Steve finds his voice to speak, it comes out flat and dead and not really like a question at all. "Used me. Like you think I've used you?"

Eddie shrugs, looking for all the world like he's not bothered by that statement. "We had fun, right? So it's all fine in the end."

"Fine," Steve repeats, hollow. They're in his house but Steve feels the need to leave, to run before the reality of how unlovable he truly is sticks inside him forever.

"But I think we should stop while we're ahead," Eddie continues and Steve wonders if Eddie is listening to him at all, or just saying his piece before he goes. Can he not hear Steve's heart breaking? "I want to... I want to find someone to love."

If Eddie's previous words felt like being gutted, these ones feel like cement. Heavy and solidifying. Trapping in the truth of Ever Unlovable Steve. He doesn't even feel heartbroken anymore. Just numb. Dead inside. He should say something encouraging. Let Eddie know that all he's wanted was for Eddie to be happy and loved. But words seem impossible, so he gives one jerky nod of his head. An understanding.

"Right," Eddie says, returning the nod before turning away, towards the door, "I'll just go now. Umm, see ya later, Harrington."

Facing the horrors of the Upside Down should feel like the scariest thing he's ever done but it doesn't. Watching Eddie walk away does. Steve should be able to hold it together long enough for Eddie to leave. He's the tough one. He can hold himself together no problem-

"Why can't you love me?"

Eddie whips back around, an expression on his face like confusion and anger mixed.

It's only then that Steve realizes he spoke. He hasn't meant to. He was going to let Eddie walk away but now his voice has been freed from the cement. His heart has shut down his brain it seems because he just keeps talking, voice flat and hollow, "why can't you love me the way I love you? What is so broken and wrong within me that no one loves me back? My parents, Nancy, now you. Why can't- I thought that we were- where did I go wrong?"

"What?" Eddie asks, and the anger is gone from his face but now he just looks horrified. Which is understandable. It's horrifying to be loved by Steve Harrington. "What did you think we were?"

Boyfriends. Together. Going steady. At the very least, dating without labels. But none of those very reasonable, normal answers come out of Steve's treacherous mouth. Because Steve can't seem to be a reasonable, normal person. He's got to be too much, too soon, too clingy. So, instead, he says, "In love."

Eddie looks like he's just received the worst news of his life. In fact, he looks a little sick. "Oh fuck. Jesus Christ. I can't- I thought- Fuck!"

Steve just nods along. He hadn't actually said I love you to Nancy that night at Tina's Halloween party, but he imagines if he had, the beginning of the bullshit conversation would have sounded much the same as Eddie does now; like anger and regret, the starts and stops. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have- if you want to go, you should go."

Eddie crosses the room back to Steve in half the steps he took when he first walked away, hands reaching to grab Steve's face between them. He speaks quickly and sounds panicked now. "No, no no no. I fucked up, misunderstood. I don't know how I got it so wrong. I don't want to go. I never did."

"What?"

"I am in love with you, sweetheart. I just- I didn't know you loved me back. I thought you didn't- that we weren't..."

"I thought we were boyfriends."

"Jesus, please let me fix this. Let me stay and make it up to you. I'll be the best fucking boyfriend you've ever had."

Steve thinks if he had any shred of self-worth he might step back, make Eddie explain himself, but as it is, he steps into Eddie's space and kisses him, hands pulling him as close as he can get. He doesn't want to think about the cruel things Eddie's said, about using each other. Maybe one day they'll have to hash that out, have that conversation, but Eddie says he loves him too, and that's all Steve's wanted.

[prettygirlstothefloor]

a messy review of TTPD

okay i need to preface this that i have the credentials to be able to speak my mind on her. i've been a fan since 2006. i've been a fan since i was 11 so don't get your panties in a bunch.

i think this album is messy. the production is the only thing i can really praise about it. the lead up to it and now the full release has just been so unbelievably messy. i'm going to make a continue reading for the people who still have yet to listen where i won't spoil it for you. PS. i do get mean in this. so if you're not wanting to hear critiques and criticism and taking that in, please scroll.

EDIT: this was pre-anthology release. so this is just based on the original 16 song release.

SPOILERS AHEAD

i am fully aware she is allowed to go through the grieving process of her breakup with joe. i respect that whole heartedly. i completely understand having someone in your life for such a big chunk and for them to be gone and feeling lost and alone and angry. what i don't like at all is essentially telling us in this album that she couldn't handle joe having severe depression. obviously i don't know everything that went down but it seems as though he didn't want to get married until he felt mentally better. and as someone who is also in the same boat as him, i also wouldn't want to fully commit to marriage until i felt like i could give them 100%. and if that's his biggest crime, being too depressed, then that's a her problem. being depressed is not all "haha relatable".

now onto... that man... i did not expect 90% of this album to be about him. i've only hated two people in my life. one being a family member of mine. the other, him (i will not be saying his name because he does not deserve it). the way she spent so much of this album talking about how she will defend him with her life. girl i am begging you to get up off the ground. it felt like a backstab from her in "but daddy, i love him" where she's basically saying fuck everyone for ruining a relationship i wanted. the reason no one wanted her with him is because he's a racist, misogynistic, homophobic asshole. i am aware he supports queer rights but it seems like he only cares about queer rights and the safety of queer people when it involves white queer people (ie. what happened in dubai and malaysia). i'm almost confident she cheated on joe with him while her and joe were still together. i'm sorry to taylor that i care about BIPOC and queer people's rights than making a racist white man happy.

joe truly got the short end of the stick here. he has been treated so horribly this past year by swifties who made up rumors about him just to make taylor seem like the good guy and the only thing this album told me was she was the villain in all of this. i hope joe has a good support system around him and i hope he's able to get any mental health help he needs. i do also think that taylor desperately needs a therapist as well. she is very adament about not having one and just using her mom and her friends but she needs an outside source to really listen and give her advice that isn't "yes man"-ing her all day long.

anyways, like i said at the beginning of this post, i enjoyed the production. my favorite songs were fortnight and who's afraid of little old me. it's gonna take time for me to enjoy this album outside of its messiness. i did enjoy midnights btw. so it's definitely not the sound i don't like it's just everything surrounding it.

70/100

[freshlyrage]

Running Like Water

Chapter 27

what's playing: I'm Not in Love by 10cc

pairing: Javier Peña x OFC (written as xReader)

fic warnings: NSFW Explicit Smut (18+ MDNI) language, strained family relationships, mentions of drug abuse, discussions of insecurities and body image issues, daddy and mommy issues

fic tags: Best friends younger sister, Life-long crush, Friends to lovers, Unrequited love, slow burn, Push and Pull, Small Town Dynamics, Secret Relationships, latina MC, Fluff and Angst, OFC!Jessica Alba face claim, sorry Lorraine I'm bringing you into this, Time jumps, 2 year age gap, pre-canon

word count: 4k

IMPORTANT a/n: Can you tell I'm out of a 5 month long depressive episode? LOL. Feeling motivative and creative. See you soon. Ask me questions!

December 1989

“So you don’t want to have sex anymore?” 

You pull your skirt up your legs, zipping it and spinning it back in place. You shoot a glance over your shoulder at the man nude on his headboard-less bed with a face of disgust. “No. I’m okay with having sex, I’m just like not looking to make you breakfast and prance around your living room in your shirts or whatever.” You shrug, pulling on your blouse and tiptoeing to your kitten heels. 

He scoffs, “That's what all women say, they usually mean the complete opposite. I’m not stupid Andrea.” 

You giggle, “I am not all women. I’m just not interested in a relationship, we both made that clear when we started fucking.” Back in October when he placed his large hand on the open belly of your cowgirl costume and it was the right amount of warmth at the right time. Your co-worker Jaya shot you a thumbs up from across the club and you stumbled out onto the brisk streets of Soho. “You never seemed to be interested in me being your girlfriend until this conversation.”

Christian stands to his feet, nude and you’re getting that clarity you get after having sex with a man that isn’t–well. You scurry towards your discarded coat on his lazy boy. You have got to stop fucking men in finance, their homes are like poorly decorated castles. Maybe he does need a damn girlfriend. “You fucking city girls and your backwards ways of thinking. You’ll never have the life you want with this attitude.”

You shoot him a glance and cackle loudly. “Please, I lived in Texas most of my life there is no city girl in me. I am just a girl who knows what she wants, you’ll find us anywhere you go.” You sling your purse over your shoulder, you know your toes are going to freeze off on your way to the subway. You’re not fully acclimated to the bitter cold of New York City yet but you make it work.

You made the move abruptly after learning they were cutting the pay of non-tenured teachers fifteen percent. The second you found out your colleague Jaya Sandros was taking a recertification exam to teach in New York City, you packed up your birds and made the big move. Of course your mother cried on the phone asking if it was her coldness that made you seek the cold elsewhere but truthfully it had nothing to do with her. You were nearly over being angry with your mother, you knew that she was only growing older and you might die if you continued to be so angry and sad all the time. 

You also knew that the decision to move to New Orleans was a Javier-adjacent decision which is what you called those things these days. A decision made because it reminded you of him. And although you weren't truly over him you decided that it was time to strip yourselves of things that reminded you of the past. 

When the cold approached you the very first time just a month ago you sat on your couch with your birds in tears. You wanted to call him so badly this thanksgiving. You wanted to tell him that you forgive him, that you aren’t angry anymore, that you understand the betrayal he’s gone through. Thank god for your therapist. You knew he probably won't be celebrating Thanksgiving in Colombia but you hoped he ate something good, you hoped he wasn’t alone like you were. 

Although you weren’t as alone as you were in New Orleans.

Life was more vibrant in New York. You had a solid group of friends, a night life, a work life and a sex life. You smiled nearly everyday, hosted wine nights and got your nails done. 

“You don’t know what you want Andrea. You told me the second time we had sex that this is your fourth state in 6 years!”

You look at him once more and fight the urge to laugh again. “Bye Chris. Lose my number.” You say as you slam the door behind you and wobble down the steps of his brownstone. 

“So you broke up?” Jaya leans over the break room table with her Best Teacher Ever mug. She taught Chemistry three periods a day, Environmental twice and tutored earth science on the weekends. 

“I guess? I mean he was never my boyfriend. The sex was mediocre but you know I got what I wanted. When did men become such softies?” 

Jaya giggles, “The eighties are coming to an end. Maybe we’ve got to start dating older.” The two of you laugh and clink your mugs. Forty more minutes of peace before your ninth grade US History course, those kids were rowdy. 

“Maybe, ugh– he did that thing when he ate me out. Like he’d look up at me and be like, is this good? Just ew.” You cringe, shaking your head. Jaya does just the same. 

“Like god we’re pushing thirty, if you have to ask me if your head is good just kill me.” She places her mug down and reaches in her bag for another packet of sugar. You shoot her a glance, and she flips you off. She might be the biggest sugar addict you know. Every night out ends with her dragging you to the twenty-four hour bakery around the block from your house. “My ex was absolutely terrible at it. He was thirty. My boyfriend now though… It’s like he was put on this earth for it.”

You nod and you can't help it. “Javier was the same. Amazing at it, and he’d never complain. Unfortunately he was good at everything, sometimes I’d be like, Who the fuck taught you all of this. Then I’d get jealous because it was all from years of practice. Stupid.” Eyes glancing at your lap. Even if he’s over you and is okay with never seeing you again, you would pathetically still ask for just one more night. Jaya knew all the details, in some ways she was your best friend–well, she is your best friend. You spend every weekend together if she isn’t taking the metro-north to see her short-distance boyfriend who lives in Yonkers. She understands and doesn’t make you feel bad when you talk about him because she does just the same. Her shitty ex boyfriend Henry Donovan was the topic of discussion all the time. You couldn’t believe she stayed with that freak for seven years. Fuck it, you lean over in a whisper. “One night like 3 months ago, I was so horny I almost called him. Like just wanted to call and be like, hey, I know we left on the worst terms ever but let me hear your voice so I can touch myself. I was that desperate.” 

Jaya’s eyes widened and her grin grew ear to ear. The two of you had gotten so close nearly no dirty confession was off the table. “That's so hot. Do you think he’d do it?” 

You smirk, “Yeah probably. I mean I don’t think he would be able to resist. Even if he moved on or whatever-”

“He hasn’t but continued. No man would be able to.”

You roll your eyes, “I’m not like some sex goddess-” Jaya makes a loud buzzer noise. “But! He worshiped me, in more ways than one so…” You voice fades and your head goes to that place that makes your stomach pit and ruins your day. When you realize he isn’t waiting for you, when you realize he’s so far. When you realize how deeply he was hurt by Lorraine. How his decision to never see you again hurt you. “Yeah, it was always good.”

Jaya allowed for some silence. Nodding and sipping her coffee. “Well, maybe it was so good because you two loved each other so much. Randy and I tried anal last month and it was great! He was so caring and gentle and-”

“What!?” Your eyes popped and Jaya waved a hand in your face. 

“Oh please don’t act like you’ve never tried it. Hearing your sex stories with Javier–”

“Lower your voice, I mean once he ate me–”

“See!” She whisper yelled. “All young modern metropolitan women try anal.” 

Your face turned bright red and your face dropped to your hands in a giggle.

Summer 1986

When Javier left your room the next morning you decided you needed a break from being yourself. You sat at the headboard of your bed and attempted to console yourself the way you did as a child. You missed him already, missed the way he held your head when you were sad. You even rubbed the bee earrings in your ear a few times, cried more and shut your eyes. 

You have to go away. Be alone, move somewhere far. You wouldn’t be able to bear encountering him in town once in a while, you couldn’t. Despite the sadistic mentality you’ve developed with your own mind and body, you couldn’t do that.

 It was 3 pm when you finally left your room. Eyes swollen from the tears you let out once he snuck away. You make your presence known with dragging feet. Your baby sister in her play pen, gnawing at her fist with puff snacks. Your mother was at her designated chair at the counter. Taking notes in her blue little financing book, preformative glasses low on her bridge. She takes one look at you and tenses with a frown. You see it then, in her eyes. Her urge to ask you a question you don’t want to answer. You decided that maybe you should never speak to anyone ever again.

 “Why did Javier leave your room this morning?” She places her pen down with a click. You don’t feel the stomach turning anxiety you would have once felt at a question like this. None of it mattered anymore. So you shrugged and opened the fridge.

“Javier was my boyfriend. We broke up last night.” You deadpan, silencing the room. There goes your big moment. All the hiding and whispers, maybe this was the only way to tell her. You served yourself a bowl of cereal. You look back at your mother and her lips were drawn in a small line, her eyes concerned. 

“But he’s getting married to Lorraine…”

You almost want to laugh, of course. “So you knew, nice.” You open the cabinet taking a spoon and pull out the stool with a tug of your socked foot, sitting across from her.

“I-Mrs. Smithfield called me with the news yesterday, she asked if she could use the things I bought for Frankies wedding. Did Javier cheat on you–?”

Spoon swirling the milk turned pink. You really couldn’t believe you were having this conversation. You couldnt believe your mother was planning your ex-boyfriend's wedding. You can’t believe it's over. You couldn’t believe you were cried out. You never want to see him again, you couldn't do that to yourself. “No. She’s apparently been pregnant since before we started dating so… I don’t really want to explain myself any more. I’m going to take some time alone for a while. I’ll be moving out by the way, so don’t worry about that anymore.”

Your mother frowned, “You know, I didn’t really mean it when I asked you to leave. I was just so angry with the fact that you wanted to see your father.”

You felt like an exposed nerve, like screaming and shattering your bowl. Feeling the urge to regress to your habits you formed once Javier left you the first time. Your mother, your most sensitive trigger, pushing your buttons. You hold your breath, counting to ten before you speak. “I want access to my trust. I’m leaving Texas, I want to start over.”

“Are you sure?”

You nod, “Yes. I’ll go to the wedding, I know you're wondering. But after that I want to be on the road.” You know you have to be there. You have to see it happen, maybe it’ll force you to move on. You always found strange ways of harming yourself. Being destructive in your own little way. Suddenly you aren’t hungry anymore. You stand from the stool, giving your mother one last glance. “I’ll be in the room if you need me.”

You rarely leave the place for four days. You hear people come in and out of the house. 

On Tuesday you swear you hear Mr. Smithfield’s voice. You know it’s him because once you look out your window you see your mother holding table cloth and folding chairs.  You lay back in bed and try to sleep.

By wednesday no one had come to visit you. It's not like you had many people but Javi. You wonder if he has touched her belly yet, if he’ll rub those creams on it so that she doesn’t stretch. If his eyes will go tender whispering to his little baby. If that love he feels for his baby will turn into real love for Lorraine herself. Doing the most selfless act of motherhood. 

Thursday your bedroom door is opened by Genie. It’s like 1980 all over again. This time she’s in a loose dress, her belly barely visible in the material. She tiptoes over your piles of clothes you’ve folded in preparation to leave. Just six days before she was sitting on your bed waiting to become your sister in law. Now she approaches you slowly like you're made of glass. You smile upon her arrival but she can’t seem to give you one back. She crosses her arms and scans the room. Seeing that you have picked apart the place to head on the road.

“So you’re leaving?” She sounds cold and you shrug. 

“Yes.”

“Have you considered me or your brother in this decision?” She’s upset with you. You were upset with everything so you suppose you’re even. 

“I can’t be here anymore.”

Genie sighs, “I would like to have heard it from you and not a frantic visit from your mother. Which by the way was very off guard, we were having sex when she came pounding on the door.” 

You snicker, fidgeting with the loose thread at the hem of your sleep shorts. “I was going to visit the two of you. I just didn’t– I don’t have it in me to tell Frankie. To make him hate me or-or hate Javier. I just wanted to be alone for a bit.”

“Well he knows now! He isn’t even mad, he’s just sad for the both of you. He’s really sad for you Andrea. He loves you so much.”

Your eyes dropped to your lap and your chin began to quiver because strangely you miss him too. “He’s not mad that we lied to him?”

“No. He isn’t. He knows he was a hard ass about you and Javi. He knew he wuld have to get over it eventually but he didn’t want this to the be the circumstances. He wasn’t even given the opportunity to be all protective.” She shrugs, sitting down on your bed. Her hand covers yours, forcing you to quit fidgeting. “He also really dislikes Lorraine so he was more preoccupied that she’ll be around us forever.”

You laugh through tears this time. Your brother always made a face when she was mentioned. Especially when Genie suggested that she be invited to the wedding. 

She cheated on my absolute stud of a best friend. I’ll never like that girl. 

You sigh and lean your head against Genie. For a while the two of you are nothing but two sisters missing each other before you’re gone. Sharing years together, growing up and moving on was a part of it all. You know she isn’t angry, you know she loves you too much to watch you go, again. 

“I think the universe has been telling me and Javier to not be together for a long time but we have been too stubborn to care.”

She sucks her teeth and you feel her head shake. “Nah. I just think the time has always been wrong. The circumstances too. If this whole pregnancy thing didn’t happen he’d still be on a plane in a few months to a whole other country. You’d be left just as broken.”

“We had a plan.”

“Did you?”

You exhale audibly, “No–not really.” 

“I don’t know…you’ll find each other somehow. Maybe she’ll cheat on the man again.” She jokes and you giggle alongside her. This was all fucked and all you could do is laugh. “I’m sorry for seeming so angry when I came in. You deserve to be on your own, find yourself out of this fucking town.”

“I’ll visit. I’ll be back for the labor, trust me.”

“Yeah bitch you better!”

“I’ll be there anytime you need me.”

“Pfft, unless you move to like fucking New York.”

“Oh god never. Don’t think I can keep up. I was thinking about Louisiana. Far enough to know no one, close enough to drive if needed.” 

“Good, that would be great for you. When do you think you’re leaving?”

“After the wedding, like maybe the next day.”

“Why not before, say fuck it and just rip the bandaid.”

You frown, “Well I’m going to the wedding obviously.”

Genie completely parts her body from your own and stares at you all confused.

“Why in the world would you go watch your ex boyfriend get married?”

You sit up straight, your eyes darting to the picture on New Year’s 1980.

 “Because everyone will be there, because he’s my best friend, because maybe if I see it, it'll be real.”

“Oh, hello.” Javier moves out of the way of his front door and allows Lorraine in. She rubs her stomach and walks straight to his bedroom. Javier furrows his brows and looks around the house in confusion before following her. “Is everything okay?”

 His air conditioning is blasting and she exhales. Ripping off her shoes and laying in his bed and it all feels so wrong. He only spoke to her a few times over the phone since the day he found out. The conversations mostly contained plans of what their lives would look like. He had nodded off and agreed to it all because truly he wasn’t sure if he was in his own body. He agreed to asking for a family extension until after she gave birth. So that it gave her more time to be supported with their child before he leaves for Colombia. He agreed to look at rentals in the area. He agreed and agreed. 

He felt like himself a few nights ago when he told Chucho that it was you that he had been seeing. His father frowned so deeply Javier feared this would be the first time ever he would raise a hand to him. If he had he wouldn’t fight it, he would have asked for more. Maybe then he’ll feel truly punished for it all. Instead Don Chucho dropped his head. That was when he told him that he spoke to Melissa and she said you were leaving- moving away. That's when Javier felt like himself again. Chucho rubbed his back while he cried into the crook of his arm. 

Nothing could change his reality. So there she was, his ex-girlfriend, soon to be wife, in his bed. “The air isn’t working in my room. And I weirdly feel so… pregnant. I’m so glad I’ll be further along when it’s cooler out. God, my back hurts.”

Javier stood at the door, unsure on how to be–any help at all. “When will it be fixed?”

She throws her arm over her forehead and exhales. “Huh. Monday probably, could I stay here? It just isn’t good-”

“For the baby. Yeah of course. Do you need anything or-”

“Will you come here?” She lifts her arm to look at him. He obeys despite all of it feeling wrong. Javier sits at the foot of the bed. “Are you nervous?”

He furrows his brow and tilts his head, before realizing what she’s asking. “I’m just trying to catch up with my brain. I’m doubting that we will be good parents, I mean I know that you’ll be a great mother, and maybe I can be a good father but me and you…we’re explosive and incompatible. We never worked, I’m afraid all of this would be damaging for the-our baby.”

Javier is himself for that moment.

She sighs and flips her body over and away from him. Obviously annoyed with him being reasonable. There's some silence and then sniffling. Javier’s brows shoot up, his chest hurting. What man is immune to a woman's tears?

“Sorry. I’m just hormonal. Conversations like this just stress me and the baby out.”

He feels a panic climb up his throat and there he is at her aid. Afraid to hurt someone so delicate, he’s done enough of that. He rubs her back in slow motions while she cries and he’s feeling a guilt that's all consuming. “Hey… I’m sorry. I don't want to stress the two of you out. Let's… be angry at me tomorrow.”

She nods, wiping her tears. 

“Can we get a slurpee? It’ll make me feel better.” She whines and Javier feels like a dick for being a bit annoyed. Shouldn’t fathers feel more sincere, biologically? He can't seem to find the connection yet but he just blames it on the circumstance. 

But he nods against her shoulder anyway and they head to the grocery store in an act too domestic to swallow just yet.

In the hours you spent walking around town to get some sort of fresh air your walkman became ridiculously handy. The Original Soundtrack by 10cc was your choice this time. In a tank top and shorts like always you made your way through town with very few hellos from locals, it almost feels like they all knew you were depressed. You decided you needed air after Genie left. The two of you stayed talking until she jumped to her feet realizing she had an appointment in her salon at 4:30 and it was 4. You accepted her apologies and hugged. 

You found yourself slipping on your sneakers at 6 pm, when the sun was still high yet threatening to set. You wanted to be outside when it did. Sit somewhere and just listen to the bullfrogs and flies. Appreciate the sounds of home a few more times. You let your hair down just because around this time there's the slightest imitation of a breeze.

You walk down the hill, passing the small path that leads to your lake. Set sights on the bench you and Frankie ate ice cream at. Ice Cream from the shop that Genie’s family ran. You almost wish you took your bike with you but when you were reminded of its existence it was too late to go back. You stopped in at your mother's boutique, knowing she was home today. Greeting the seventeen year old girl who managed the place on Thursday nights. 

Right when a drop of sweat trickled low on your back you decided to make a left at the end of mainstreet and trek the sidewalk-less road that led to the only 7/11 in a 20 mile radius. It was bigger than most 7/11’s you’ve been to. Acted as a grocery store for a lot of truckers that found themselves in Laredo.  With your music on blast, you barely hear the bell chimes when you walk in.

I’m Not In Love by 10cc crowding your ears while you wave at the cashier. Slowly walking down each aisle, figuring whether you had a sweet tooth or could do for some lays chips. You shift your weight from foot to foot, along with the song. Finding freedom and peace in solitude. You decide on a kit-kat bar. You grab the share size and walk out to the freezers, opening the door just to feel some cool air for a second. You shut your eyes for a moment before grabbing a water.

As you close the door your view is clear. Lorraine and Javier walking toward the slurpee machine, his hand on her lower back. It drops when she begins to make her own drink with her back facing you. He turns, scratching the back of his neck and if you just move he will never see you. But he looks so different, sullen and tired.

And you can’t help but stare. 

His eyes finally meet yours and both of yours simultaneously widen and furrow. His furrowing and yours widening. Being caught. He looks at you tenderly, like he’s urging to take a step forward, urging to say hello. 

Your eyes cast to the floor and you pretend you have not seen him at all.

[elliespassagerprincess]

I would love to see you write an unrequited love story with I’m not a mountain by Sarah kinsley always gets me in my feels

I'm not a mountain (ellie wiliams x reader)

Hi anon! sorry it took me so long to write this, I couldn't think of a good plot, but I finally got something! I hope you enjoy <3

This story is based off the song I'm not a mountain by Sarah Kingsly so if you can, please listen to the song as you're reading:)

Pairing: ellie x fem!reader

requests are always open feel free to leave one!

Warnings: violence and death, Ellie being stupid

Summary: In which Ellie makes stupid decisions

wc: 2.1k

(La da da da da da)

If I could choose the things that I knew

And all the things that I'd see

I'd let the room fill with memories until

The walls were staring at me

Ellie sighed as she opened her eyes. She sat up, bringing her right hand to scratch her head.

She couldn’t sleep. You plagued her mind like a disease. For some fucking reason it seems the memory of you was stuck in her mind.

The way you smiled. The way you laughed at her. The way you dressed depending on your mood. The way you-

 Fuck.

She had work tomorrow. She should be sleeping. But you were running circles through her mind.

Ellie looked at her desk that sat in the corner of her room. She let out a loud groan at the memory of you sitting at the table and looking at her with puppy eyes begging her to go out with you.

You were everywhere. Everywhere she looked, everything in her room had you written all over it.

 Your spirit lingered there.

“What?” Ellie asked loudly as she looked at the stuffed dinosaur you gave on her birthday. “You think I’m stupid too?” she asked as if it would respond to her.

She had work tomorrow she shouldn’t be awake but you.

God you were making it hard for her.

“I fucking hate you” Ellie muttered as she lay back down, bringing the blanket over her head.

She knew she was lying.

She doesn’t hate you. She could never. But she really needed to stop thinking about you.

The mystery of life is just taking flight

I watch the walls closing in

So I swallow my pride and I take another bite

I guess I'm dreaming again

“I love you” Ellie muttered.

 “I know els” you replied with a small smile.

 “please come back” Ellie begged. “I can’t” you simply said, still having that sweet smile on your face.

“No- no you said you would always be here for me” Ellie spoke back tears filling her eyes.

 “things change Ellie”

“no- no please- “

“Fuck!” Ellie screamed as she woke up. It was another fucking dream.

You already haunt her with the memories the two of you have together, now you were showing up in her dreams.

 She couldn’t escape you.

She wanted to hate you. She wanted to blame you for everything that went wrong in her life. But she couldn’t because all of this was her fault. It was her fault that you left. It was Ellie’s fault that you died. But she couldn’t accept it.

It was as if you were still here. Barging into her room with that stupid smile of yours saying “look what I have els”.

But you weren’t there anymore. The only thing left was the memories. And countless dreams Ellie has of you.

Ellie finally understands what people meant when they said you never know how much you truly love someone till you lose them.

She wishes she could go back in time and tell herself to wake up and to tell you how she felt.

How much she loved you. How much she appreciated you.

But you were gone. You were never coming back.

I swear I'm unattached

Living in the past but

I can't get off my feet

You say we'll all go mad

But I don't believe that

So you'll prove it to me

Ellie always knew she had a crush on you.

She remembered the day she and Joel walked into Jackson for the first time. You stood behind Tommy with wide eyes looking at the two of them.

Ellie’s first words to you were: “you have a staring problem or am I just that beautiful?” and you replied: “I think I might have a staring problem”

And since that day the two of you were inseparable.

You both followed each other everywhere. Where Ellie went, you were always there. Joel knows if he ever needed to look for Ellie, she would be at your house. People would even joke and say the two of you were sisters. That how close you were.

When Ellie realized she was in love with you, she was 15.

 You were helping her at the stables with her horse Shimmer.

“You think shimmer is a cool name?” you had asked Ellie

“No I would’ve named her something space related”

“Mars”

“What?”

“I think you would’ve named her Mars”

“How did you know I was gonna call her that?” Ellie questioned puzzled

“Because you’ve been talking about Mars for the last 2 weeks”

“You listen to me?”

“Of course I do Ellie. What friend would I be if I didn’t listen??

And in that moment Ellie knew you were the one for her.

Years went by and Ellie’s crush on you grew. She would never admit it out loud but she would sabotage all your relationships. When you brought someone home, or when you tell Ellie you went on a date with someone she would find the person and threaten them.

She would tell them to stay away from you.

Her girl.

You never knew why your relationships never worked out. You really thought there was something wrong with you. But little did you know, it was your best friend who got rid of anyone that was interested in you.

Ellie smiled at the memory of the two of you talking about changing Shimmers name. Ellie brought her hand up to run her fingers through Shimmers mane.

“You miss her too?” Ellie asked the horse but she received no answer.

“Well I miss her” Ellie spoke softly.

 “You look like shit” she heard Jesse’s voice suddenly talk from behind her.

 “shut up”

“when was the last time you got some sleep?” Jesse asked, seriously concerned about his best friend.

“That’s not important”

“Ellie- “

“Jesse drop it?” she spoke through gritted teeth.

Jesse let out a sigh “we’re all worried about you Ellie?”

 “I don’t fucking care” Ellie snapped, as she got onto Shimmer “I’m not in the mood for your pity. Now shut up and get on the horse”

Jesse let out a defeated sigh as he hopped on the horse.

“Let’s get this over with”

(La da da da da da)

If I could choose, I'd never lose

I'd always take without giving

I wrote down the truth in letters to you

But I know you'll never get them

The air surrounding Ellie and Jesse was tense as they rode in silence.

“It’s Wednesday” Ellie suddenly said.

“You want to visit her?” Jesse asked.

 “Yeah”

“we all miss her Ellie” he started “It wasn’t your fault- “

“it was” Ellie cut him off “If I didn’t kill her girlfriend she would’ve not left Jackson and she wouldn’t have died”

“Why did you kill Abby?”

And Ellie fell silent. She killed Abby because she was in love with you. She had to do something. She remembers the day as if it was yesterday. Abby was your longest relationship ever. Ellie had told the blonde to stay away from you multiple times but she didn’t. She stayed with you.

Ellie’s hatred towards the girl grew when the two of you moved in. You were happy. You were happier with Abby than what you were with her. You even started hanging out less. Ellie was losing you, and she didn’t like it. You belonged to her. No one else. But yet you moved in with someone else.

You had never given Ellie an indication that you liked her. Every time she would try and flirt with you, you would just laugh it off and say: “very funny Ellie”. Every move she would try and make on you, you would either laugh it off or ignore her.

One day Dina said “you guys would make a cute couple”

Ellie felt heat spread across her cheeks. She was probably as red at a tomato. Before Ellie could say anything you let out a laugh saying “me and Ellie? Never in a million years” you laughed.

Ellie cried. She cried for weeks. She even tried avoiding you, but like a moth to a flame she always went back to you.

When you started dating Abby she was filled with jealousy. But she had no right to be jealous. You weren’t even together.

One winter night, a night Ellie knew you wouldn’t be home, she decided to pay Abby a visit.

“What are you doing here?” the blonde asked her. “I’m here to make peace” Ellie lied. Abby let her in with a shocked expression.

“I’m actually surprised” Abby spoke, as soon as she turned her back towards Ellie, Ellie pulled out a knife stabbing the blonde in the back. Abby let out a groan, as she turned around to face Ellie, the knife still in her back. When she faced Ellie, Ellie brought out another knife bringing it into Abby’s stomach. Abby’s eyes widened, blood slowly dripping from her wound. Ellie watched as Abby’s eyes roll to the back of her head before she heard your voice.

You weren’t supposed to be here.

“Baby do you think I’d look good with- Ellie?” you asked, surprised to see her here.  Your eyes moved from Ellie to your girlfriend bleeding. The dark red liquid already decorated the floor.

And sadly Abby passed away a few hours later due to blood loss.

What Ellie did was unforgivable. She murdered the love of your life in cold blood. “forgive and forget” they said.

You weren’t sure if you could ever forgive or forget the murder of your girlfriend. The girl you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. And what makes it worse was that it was your best friend. The girl who was supposed to comfort you. The girl you trusted with your life.

You hated Ellie. You really did.

“Jesse, can I go talk to her alone?” Ellie asked.

 Jesse gave her a sympatric smile: “yeah go ahead I’ll be here when you get back.” Ellie hopped off Shimmer and she started walking up the hill.

 When she eventually reached the top, a single cross decorated the hill. You name carved onto it. There were fresh pink flowers, Ellie could only assume Joel must’ve been here.

“Hi” she spoke softly as she approached the grave. Ellie sat down in front of the cross, her legs crossed. “It’s been a while” she chuckled “you really have to stop appearing in my dreams I’m tired as hell, even Jesse noticed I don’t sleep” she laughed once more.

“I got you something” Ellie spoke. She pulled out a pile of letters neatly folded. “You’ve been gone for 203 days she stared. I wrote you a letter for each day.” She spoke softly, afraid that she might wake you up and scare you away. Ellie gently placed the stack of letters beneath the flowers.

She hoped maybe the letters would break down and sink into the ground, and that maybe you’d read it. Or maybe your spirit would come down and read them. She hopes you’d somehow read them and understand why she did what she did. She did it because she loved you.

Ellie has many regrets in her life, but the biggest one was, letting you leave Jackson, without her telling you how she felt about you.

Before Ellie got up she brought her lips to the cross, giving it a gentle kiss. “I’m so sorry baby” Ellie spoke and she got up and left to continue patrol with Jesse.

If I were a mountain, I'd stand my ground

And maybe I'd never listen

But if I were a mountain, I'd close my mouth and

Maybe I'd be forgiving

But I'm not

I'm not

I'm not

I'm not

When Ellie found out you had left Jackson it felt like whole world was being ripped apart.

“What do you mean she left?” Ellie yelled at Maria.

 “Ellie she has nothing to live for anymore, it’s better that she goes out and finds purpose”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“You killed her girlfriend Ellie, you are the last person she wants to see”

Ellie was going after you. She was going to tell you how she felt. She marched out of Maria’s office and ran straight to the stables, hopping on Shimmer.

“Which direction did she go?” Ellie asked one of the guards at the gate.

“She went north” he replied.

“C’mon Shimmer move faster” she begged the horse.

There was still time she could still get to you, and convince you to stay. Ellie would finally reveal how she truly felt about you. She could tell you why she killed Abby. She would make you understand.

Ellie and shimmer were running for a few hours before her eyes landed on a familiar backpack. Ellie hopped of her horse, she pulled out her gun walking over to the pink and purple backpack that you carried everywhere with you.

As she approached the bag she heard the sound of a clicker.

*click, click, click*

 Ellie turned her head to the direction of where the sound came from and there you lay.

 Lifeless.

Ellie let out a scream and the clicker looked at her, and it started charging towards her. Ellie shot it at point blank and she ran to where you lay.

 “No” she breathed as the tears rolled down her cheeks as she walked towards your body.

There was blood everywhere, she almost didn’t recognize you. You were bruised. Covered in blood, scratch marks littered your skin.

Ellie went down onto her knees as she took you into her arms, and she let out loud sobs.

 This was all her fault.

I'm not a mountain

I can't hold you on my own

I'm not a mountain

I will crumble when you go

There in the square, my arms in the air

And is it so bad to be alone?

I can do it on my own

Is it really so bad?

Is it really so bad?

I can do it on my own

How do you continue living if you lost the love of your life?

Ellie understands now how it felt when you lost Abby. She now understands why you left Jackson.

You were lonely. Empty.

 Ellie stood at the gates of Jackson. She sees no point in living here anymore. Everywhere she looked she saw you. Every place had a piece of you and she got sick of it.

Ellie wanted to be ok. She wanted to feel like herself again. She wanted to forgive herself, but she couldn’t. So she’s running away from her problems. Like a coward.

As Ellie walked in the woods she thought to herself, maybe being alone won’t be so bad. She won’t have Jesse or Joel breathing down her neck constantly asking her if she was ok.

Of course she wasn’t fucking ok, why do they keep asking?

Ellie saw a familiar hill, and walked up to it. The letters she’d placed were still under the flowers someone had left.

Ellie lay next to your grave, hoping that someone would come and kill her. Maybe in the afterlife she could tell you how much she loved you.

And hopefully you’d forgive her, and she’d finally get the happily ever she’s always dreamed of.

Authors note: this was long oneeeeee, I hope you all enjoyed, remember you are loved and to always be kind…. My requests are always open feel free to leave one:)

Yours truly,

Zia<3

[shostakobitchh]

finally admitted to myself that ok maybe i doooo ship snily 🙄 the thing is that i cannot find fics… i mean i *can* but there’s too many and i don’t know where to start……. so this is me asking for recommendations from the only jily shipper i know of (i’m not in the fandom a lot lol). i think it would be cool to read about them getting together as adults or something where snape is a little bi (turns out i also ship snape and sirius…. whatever ok!!!) but truly anything you have i’m accepting hehe i trust you! thank you bye!!! ps; i miss a&i aka the fic that i love so much and that i shamelessly recommend to literally everyone i know xxxxx

hi!

I'm gonna be real with you; there is very little Snily and even fewer stories I've found that do them both justice. I find that many make Lily a damsel in distress with like, her only driving motive to be a mother, and James is ALWAYS a POS. And Snape becomes an alpha male who is too controlling and it just skeeves me out. Lily loses all autonomy the second they do the deed and it's just not my thing. Even with the few Snape/OC fics I've read; if Snape is not like feral and nasty and with someone who can match that energy, I have no interest in it.

I have two major stories that come to mind with A+++ Snily. I have discovered recently that I am somewhat of a Snape Snob when it comes to fics where I only enjoy it if he is an unhinged, bitter little asshole who is a little nuts and Lily is like, the only one who can stomach him and keep him somewhat calm, but she can absolutely match his level of crazy if/when she needs to.

Come Once Again and Love Me - laventadorn

I read this nearly a decade ago and I haven't picked it up again because it just breaks my heart and puts it back together. It's a "Snape gets a do-over" but he does NOT want the do-over - he doesn't want anything to do with Lily at all at first - but the author does such a beautiful job of showing Snape as a bitter 30-something-year-old back as a teen just as his life took a dark turn. And Lily is AMAZING - her grief over losing her life old life (when she thinks of Harry it's gutting) but finding Snape again is just - UGH. She doesn't put up with his shit. She matches him and doesn't back down. She's awesome. A true queen.

A Dream Carved in Stone - diadelphous

I forgot about this one for a long time and recently reread it - I think I accidentally took inspiration from it with a certain potion LOL so I am giving full credit here - BUT - THIS is the best Snily I have ever read. It's during the first war where Lily and James never got together and Dumbledore approaches Lily and asks her to get Snape to confess he's a Death Eater. Their love story is - SO. FUCKING. GOOD.

They are both a little broken and a little crazy, but when people ask me how it would've gone down if Snape had known about Lily being pregnant, THIS story is how it would've gone down. When he's Soft with Lily it's so natural, it's so tender and raw and I die a little. Also, his reaction when Lily says she's pregnant is 10/10. It makes me laugh and cry every time.

I'm sorry I don't have more but I genuinely don't know of any others (at least that I like). I love this pairing so much LOL it makes me so sad there's nothing out there.

[evansbby]

POYT 5 - My thoughts & commentary

MAJOR SPOILERS below the cut! Only proceed if you've read POYT 5.

Also, I will be answering all feedback this weekend! I wanted to give it a week so that more people would read it and because the feedback will contain spoilers.

Anyways, here are my thoughts (warning, this is long lmao)

Hey everyone

First off, I just want to say how thankful I am for the support for this fic. I never thought I’d finish it and to see it finished more than a year after the first chapter was posted and to see how many of you stuck around and didn’t give up on it is truly heartwarming! Thank you for letting me tell my story, thank you for supporting me, thank you for egging me on to finish it, thank you for sharing your thoughts and words of encouragement, thank you, thank you, thank you! I know sometimes I may come across as unthankful. And I’ll be so honest with you guys, a few days following the posting of POYT 5, I was so, so emotional and on edge and kind of upset because I thought the fic was not getting as much feedback as I thought it would. Which is crazy to think since we got it to 1000 notes in 24 hours!!

But I understand that people take time to read something so long, and it’s so much content that people need time to gather their thoughts. I get that. I’m just a very emotional person, which is why it may have seemed like I got upset. I poured my heart and soul into this fic for the past six months, so I will be emotional about it. That being said, I really want to stress on the fact that I AM super thankful towards the people who supported me and sent in amazing feedback, or reblogged and wrote their feedback down! I’ve read every single feedback so far maybe about three times!! I can’t wait to answer it so we can fully have an in-depth discussion about the story!

ALSO. And this is so important. POYT IS A DARK FIC. Steve, no matter what redemption I gave him, is a whole ass red flag in real life. He’s still a dark character, he is still someone that would totally be a villain in real life. POYT is a work of complete fiction, so please don’t think that because she ended up living happily ever after with Steve, that I condone that in real life. I think we are all old enough to understand that this is just me exploring a dark relationship in FICTION. In real life, this would be considered toxic and abusive. PLEASE remember that. Do not be with a poyt!Steve in real life. Please.

Now, to the fic itself. I’ll explain more when I answer the asks but let me just share my main thought-process behind it. I know a lot of people expected Peter to take Omega away and for Omega and Steve to be apart for a chunk of the story. I NEVER wanted to do anything like that. I believe I’ve mentioned it a few times but I don’t really love it when this happens in stories I read, and I always skip to the part where the reader and her man are back together. So I knew I didn’t want to do this.

There WAS an early iteration of the story where Peter takes Omega back to his apartment and she spends the night in his guest-room (she doesn’t want to sleep in the same room as him, she doesn’t hate him or anything but it feels wrong to her). Peter would have made her block Steve’s number and told her to just sleep on it. But she would’ve cried all night and missed Steve so much that she would’ve unblocked him. Of course, her phone would be flooded with calls and texts from Steve, ranging from angry to sad to demanding to know where she is to blaming Peter to blaming Omega. Really erratic texts like  “I told you I loved you and you left me,” to “fuck you, I will never forgive you,” to “sorry I didn’t mean that please come back, baby, I miss you.” And she would have called him back but hung up quickly before he could alpha-command her into telling him where she is (she wouldn’t want to endanger Peter). And then Omega herself would’ve left and gone back to Steve.

I didn’t do this because, honestly, Peter would never “kidnap” Omega. I know a lot of people used the word kidnap but honestly that’s not what was going on. Peter thought he was saving her, but she had already decided in Part 4 that it was Steve she couldn’t live without. In Part 4, she says she could live without her mom and without Peter, but not without Steve. She’s already said yes to his proposal, there was no doubt she was going to stay with Steve. Maybe a little bit because Steve had only promised to be better at that point, and he had not proven it. But we all know Omega always saw the best in Steve, always wanted him to be better, always wanted him deep down. It wouldn’t make sense for her to stay quiet and let Peter take her all the way back to his apartment. I know she’s always been confused and indecisive, but I wanted her to be firm in that moment. Because she has chosen to be with Steve. At that moment, she doesn’t know why and she’s still confused about her feelings for Steve, but she knows she can’t live without him. So she chooses to stay with him within the first few sentences of the fic.

I remember a few months ago I received an ask saying that they expected Omega and Steve to stay apart for about 10k words of POYT 5, and I read that thinking “OMG is this what people are expecting???” because PERSONALLY, I would skip the fuck out of those 10k words if reader wasn’t with her love interest for 10k whole words. That’s just me personally, everyone has a different opinion but yeah. I tried to stay as true to MYSELF in this fic as possible, and ultimately, this is how I wanted it to play out.

I wanted POYT 5 to be about Steve and Omega and their interactions with each other. Because if you look back at the four parts before this… why exactly are we rooting for this couple? Have they had any sweet or romantic moments? They have, but very few and far between. Have they even had normal conversations? I needed their relationship to grow and evolve so that it would GENUINELY be a happy ending. I wanted the over-arching theme to be their interactions evolving, and Steve saying he loves her and her being unable to say it back. Which is why, if you noticed, almost every time Steve would say he loved her, he’d wait expectantly for her to say it back, and withdraw when she didn’t.

I’d say my biggest struggle was writing Steve (as it always is). I wanted his character development to be believable. But I think people need to remember that he had already turned a new leaf in POYT 4. And so POYT 5 was more about him demonstrating how he’d change, and keeping true to the promises he made to her in the previous part. I really hope you recognised that I tried to do it gradually, and that he’s trying to be better but still struggling with it.

For example: when he steps away from fighting Peter, you can tell he’s fighting with himself and this manifests through his literal physical features. How his face contorts before bouncing back then contorting again. I focused a LOT on describing Steve’s physical features in that part (so much so that I had to cut out whole paragraphs that just focused on describing his expression changing).

And then his panic attack. I got a message saying that was very out of character for Steve (I’ll respond to that message, don’t you worry, anon). But I really do not think it was OOC. Look, in fics this long, characters need to evolve. And Steve has been cold, calculated, strong, put-together for the whole of POYT so it honestly makes sense that he would lose it. To me, it does. He already lost it a few times in POYT 4, so it would make sense that he’d lose it some more. I know a lot of people enjoy reading him as this all-powerful alpha male and I was like that too, but I had to write this because it felt right to me. Steve is very emotionally volatile, and I think it was fitting that he had a panic attack. It shows another side of him, and I was proud of that scene. I’ll elaborate on this more when I answer that anon. But let me just say this: usually, when Steve got angry in the past – he’d resort to physical violence or some form of twisted, calculated revenge. He cannot do that to Peter, because he knows now that omega won’t forgive him if he did. So, in that moment, he kind of just… breaks. He doesn’t know how to process his emotions properly, so he panics. He’s seen his omega kiss someone else, and then he’s had to listen to that same person call him out in front of everyone and basically told him no one would ever love him. We KNOW Steve is insecure deep down, and so it’s honestly not very surprising that he had a panic attack. Villainous, macho characters can have panic attacks too, anon. They aren’t just reserved for the good characters.

Anyways, this is getting too long but moving on. I really hoped I captured Steve’s growth in a gradual, somewhat realistic way. Like how he blurts out that her mother won’t care about her getting married before he cuts himself off (him being tactful when before, he’d manipulated her and said this VERY thing). In the road trip scene, his communication still isn’t the best but at least he is TRYING, with that “game” that he plays just so he can ask her questions about her feelings. Like, he couldn’t straight up ask her and he had to make it into a game but like… it’s poyt!Steve after all so what do you expect haha. And when they’re at her childhood home, he’s still that guy who goes through all her stuff and pokes fun at her… but the difference is that it’s now turned into gentle teasing and not mean teasing, like how it was in the first few chapters.

Speaking of them going back to omega’s childhood home, I hope you guys caught on that omega realises her mom has left the moment she opens her mom’s bedroom door and sees the bed stripped and dresser empty. That’s why she gasps. But she doesn’t want to accept it, which is why she refuses to believe it. I’m sure everyone caught on to that but I’m just explaining anyways because why not. I’ll also say that writing this part made me cry so hard, I don’t know why. I have a very good relationship with my mother, she’s my whole entire life and she’s the best woman I know. So, to write a character who just does not have that… I don’t know why but it really affected me. And every time I reread this part to edit it, I cried. Every time. Especially the part where she talks about the ghost of her younger self playing in the garden. Like I’m tearing up now… Oh God!!! Also, when she breaks down and starts screaming at her mom’s door, I remember I wrote a part where she takes off her shoe and throws it at the door. I cut it out but I wish I’d kept it in in hindsight, just to show how raw and hurt she felt.

Anyways, as a lot of you messaged me saying this, you’re right, this was the moment where something snaps in Steve and he changes. It’s like he realises everything she’s been through and is still going through, and all the hurt and grief HE caused her. It’s never explicitly mentioned, but since the bathtub scene, Steve is afraid she’s going to kill herself. Like, that’s just a very real thing in his head, he’s just afraid she’s going to do that and he’d have been the main driving factor behind it. And so he realises he HAS to change. It’s in the way he doesn’t get mad at her when she tells him to fuck off, when she makes that dig at him and says he doesn’t have hardworking parents who work long hours. I wanted to convey that in that moment, her mental well-being just becomes his number one priority and he realises he could lose her. Maybe not physically, but he could still lose her. Which is why he gets so desperate in the end, and pleads with her to stay with him.

WHICH IS WHY, from then on, we see Steve being very communicative all of a sudden. And it’s ironic, because he’s not communicative about his own shit but he wants omega to voice all her concerns. That is why we get so much of “baby, tell me how you’re feeling.” Simply put, he’s afraid she’ll kill herself, and he also wants to be more communicative in order to improve their relationship and be better for her. Which is why he kind of throws himself into this new persona of this ultra communicative, ultra vocal about his love type of boyfriend. Like, he really lays it on thick, but he means it… and it also comes from a place of desperation, like he NEEDS her to get better. He knows deep down he’s about to lose his mother, but he cannot lose omega too. So if some of you thought it was OOC for him being SO SO SO vocal about his declarations of love and all his sweet little speeches, well, this is why I did it.

Speaking of Mrs. Rogers, she was a big talking point amongst all of you in the feedback I got! Like, overwhelmingly so! All I’ll say is, the whole cancer thing is something I pictured for her for a long time. But there WAS an early iteration of Steve’s parents where we would’ve met them in POYT 4 during Steve’s graduation and they would’ve been snooty and not approved of Omega. But somewhere along the way, that all changed. But I do want to stress that I did not mean to give the impression that Steve’s mom having cancer is the reason why he’s a bully. He was a bully alpha way before his mother got sick. Maybe it contributed a little bit but it does not excuse his behaviour at all and I never meant for it to! Honestly, it was more about exploring just how delusional and scared Steve really is, deep down. Like, his inability to accept that his mother is dying is very similar to omega refusing at first to accept that her mom left her. It’s more about how both the main characters push their problems aside and are often unable to accept them head on. It also added another facet to Steve’s character, and made things that little bit more heartbreaking, which was my intention.

Oh my fucking God, this is already 2.4k words??? Anyways, I really want to talk about the Rogers’ family mansion. So, since I was a child, I was obsessed with this author called VC Andrews who wrote Flowers in the Attic. When I say obsessed, I mean that I read each of her books like six or seven times and I still reread them till this day. To the point where my writing is influenced by her. Anyways, her stories were often rags-to-riches, and the heroine always describes a mansion. I was entranced reading about Foxworth Hall from FitA and Farthingale Manor from Heaven (if you guys haven’t read these books, please do. They are so, so good. I write the way I write because I read these books). So when I wrote the scene of Steve’s mansion, I wanted it to have that gothic horror family saga type feel, and so there were a lot of descriptions of just how big his house was, how his family literally had a ballroom and used to host galas, I really just wanted to paint a full picture of that. And then amongst all those riches, is Steve’s mom, a woman who is sick, whose husband is always away, whose son is too scared to come see her anymore. The sadness and secrets in all the wealth, that’s what I wanted to capture. If you guys have read Flowers in the Attic, you’d maybe understand what I mean. I deviated a bit from the usual style of POYT for these few scenes in Steve’s mansion, but I enjoyed writing them immensely.

More on Steve’s character: at this point I wanted to show that he was changing but that he wasn’t perfect and change doesn’t happen overnight. Which is why he lashes out at her for not saying she loves him back (right after sex, mind you, when she’s feeling extra vulnerable). It was a mean thing to do, but again, nobody is perfect and least of all him. Also, idk if anyone caught this bc no one has commented on it as of yet, but she almost slipped in the shower because she was trying to chase after him :// POYT 5 could’ve been a lot sadder just then… but I decided not to go there. Anyways, I wanted to show that Steve was still impulsive, quick to get angry. But the key difference is HE CAME BACK. And comforted her. I just wanted to show his gradual growth there.

I feel like I’m doing too much now so let me speed through the rest. I really tried to sprinkle in a lot of moments where Steve was being his cocky self, because he still is that and always will be. He’s still got his rules, and he’s being lax about them but at the end of the day he’s still an alpha. What I’m trying to say is, in the future, he’s not going to be the manipulative, childish, toxic fuckboy that he was before. But he WILL ultimately still be the misogynistic alpha that he always was, albeit a lot less intense and mean than before.

The scene with Bucky was always, always going to happen. All that Bucky stuff was leading up to something, and I always planned to do this. But when I actually got to writing it and realised how lame this man sounded when he was listing his problems “Steve always got the better car” etc, I knew I had to have omega comment on how dumb his problems were compared to hers. Because they are!!! It was ridiculous at the end of the day. I know a lot of people expected a fight with Peter and Steve, but that was never going to happen in full. It was always Steve vs Bucky to me. They have more history, they’re both more evenly matched in physical strength. Also, I want to clarify that at this point, Bucky did not have any feelings for omega, she was just an object to him that he could not have, and it was the last straw for him. I left Bucky’s fate as open-ended, maybe one day I’ll go back to that.

The final scene was ALWAYS meant to be omega marking Steve and finally telling him she loves him too. Like, I had this pictured since day one. This was always, always going to be the ending.

In terms of her and Peter, I really struggled with what type of ending I could give them. Because realistically, if I was Peter, I’d still be angry. I’d still be in disbelief over my best friend being with a man who is just… Not Good. And I do think Peter deep down still feels that way, but he also knows he cannot persuade omega, and so he has to move on. He sent her a wedding card but, in my head, they do not keep in touch. Steve doesn’t want her to keep in touch with him, and honestly, there isn’t much for Peter and omega to say to each other anymore. Which I think is realistic. It’s sad but it’s realistic.

One of the hardest parts for me was making sure to tie up every single loose end. Like for example, Sharon. In an earlier iteration, I had originally planned for Steve to somehow sabotage Sharon and keep her from graduating as revenge for her being mean to omega. In the end, I decided against this. Sharon is not important to Steve, she is not that important to the story either, and honestly, she wouldn’t have deserved that at all. So, I left her alone. I hope she’s doing well.

Same with other tiny loose ends, like who fixed Steve Junior? Originally, I genuinely DID mean that Steve simply paid someone else to fix her. But A LOT of you sent me messages asking if it was Steve himself who fixed him… and it just made so much sense! Because the stitching is done lowkey badly and unevenly, so of course it was Steve! I added that part in right at the end! Also the sketchbook part, where Steve sketches his mom. That was added like, on the day of me posting the fic. I was so paranoid I missed something, but I don’t think I did??

Mr. Rogers wasn’t meant to be in the fic at all. I wanted to keep him mysterious. But in the end, I decided to add him in last second. And I liked that he and his wife are so in love, but I feel like he’s still a mysterious character – especially in his relationship towards his son.

Lastly, Steve was ALWAYS gonna be a girl dad. That was never a question. Like… come on. We all saw that one coming!!!

Now all I can say is that Steve (the one on my blog who answers questions) is going to be SO smug that he got his omega back (after like two minutes of him losing her lmao). LIKE?? He proved all of you wrong hahahaha. The whole time y'all were talking about him sitting at home, heartbroken bc his omega got taken... HE HAD HER THE WHOLE TIME. just a funny thought lol.

ANYWAYS, if you have any questions about the fic, any more deleted scenes you wanna know about, any other things you want to say in response to this? please send them in!!!

[whats-she-gonna-post-next]

Me again

Zombiewood, any season idm :3

Hi, hey, how are you. I'm so sorry this took so long! I had so much fun doing it, but my god, I had trouble getting started for some reason. Their dynamic is a personal favorite of mine, so my fear of fucking that up probably played a factor in that. But regardless, I did finish, and I'm actually really happy with it. I hope you like it. 835 Limited Life Zombiewood. I will admit I was self-indulgent in the martyn exposition at the start. I hope that's ok! Also I will fully admit to sprinking in some Mean Gils that could be read romantically if wanted, I am obsessed with the interconnected web that is the life series polycule.

-

Martyn stared across the water to where he could make out the Clocker’s tower just beyond the lightly swaying sugarcane and bamboo that made up their makeshift walls. When they swayed just right, Martyn could just make out the shocks of bright orange that stabbed him ever so slightly in the chest each time.

Things between him and Cleo were… weird… after Double Life. Maybe not weird, but strained? Tense, perhaps? Martyn didn’t know what to feel about it. Before Double Life it wasn’t as if he disliked Cleo, they were undoubtably stunning, and the confidence and bloodlust only every added to the appeal, but during Double Life it had been racked up to one hundred. He had thought that maybe it was the shared life that had send him into the tailspin when Cleo had declared that she and Scott were choosing each other and rejected him and Pearl - after all, as the first two games had show, Martyn was already somewhat obsessive and single minded in his loyalties when he got invested, a man doesn’t just swear loyalty to a king and start a red winter for him to be anything but loyal and single minded, but this devotion had seemed beyond even that.

There was anger, of course, and a hurt that he’d buried under said anger, and a passion that burned far brighter than anything else. The last few days, when he’d actually gotten to work with Cleo, spend time around her without open hostility, was the first time he’d felt he could truly breath.

And then they’d died.

And suddenly Martyn didn’t know how to act around her, not when those feelings hadn’t gone away even slightly.

He watched through the swaying vegetation as bright cyan joined the bright orange and finally, he turned himself away. Even with Scott being his partner this game, he couldn’t stop the instinctual fear in his chest when the two of them were together. If anything, being partners with Scott made it worse, as if they’d take both of them away from him again, as if he had any right to think about Cleo like that still, any right to worry about Scott like that.

He spent some time busying himself with meaningless tasks around the island, tending to the cows and chickens, organizing chests that he wasn’t sure Scott wouldn’t just rearrange when he got back.

"Martyn, are you here?" Speaking of, Scott's voice carried across their little island with ease, the musical quality that had been budding since the server lore took effect growing stronger each day. Martyn made his way out from the storage area to meet with Scott.

"Yeah, I'm right-" He froze. Standing just beyond the door was Cleo, the neon 80s jumpsuit jaxpositioned against the grey green of their skin and the bright orange of her hair in a way that should have been atrocious, but somehow worked. She gave him a smirk that should have been overconfident, but was instead perfectly in place on her face - he knew that whatever she had planned would be knocked out of the park with their skill.

"Hello Martyn," her voice was just as he remembered it, it flowed over him as easy as waves, his mind short circuited slightly.

"H- hi- hello- hey- uh-" He stammered, trying to get his thoughts in order. Martyn had been steeling himself against every interaction he'd yet to have with Cleo, he'd been extra vigilant to minimize running into her unexpectedly, even if it was a possibility every time he stepped off his and Scott's island. He had not expected this. "What's- what's up Cleo?"

"See!" Scott exclaims, and Martyn flinches some, having forgotten that Scott was there for a moment, "This is what I was telling you about! Now, I'm going to go and bug TIES, or see what the Bad Boys are up too, or something! You two! Sort this out!"

And then he was gone, diving gracefully off the edge of the island and quickly making his way to shore.

Martyn swallowed, turning his attention back to Cleo, who had made their way closer while he wasn't paying attention. Gone was the self confident smirk, replaced instead with a contemplative look as she searched his face.

Slowly, her hand came up to cup his jaw, a soft look coming to her eyes.

"Oh Martyn."

Before he has time to even try to disact her tone, she pulls him to his chest. He goes easy, ear pressed to the odd hollow quietness in their chest that lacked a heartbeat, something that had become a comfort in its constant. Martyn began to shake. Not quite crying, but his body trembled all over in their hold, falling apart and knitting together all at once.

They'd talk later, about Double Life and the soulbond, about them, what they were how they worked. But that would be later. For now, he settled into the hug and let himself exist, just for a few moments.

[dennydreadful]

I checked out Idyllic Island, probably not the comic to be reading at 2-3 AM given the warnings but I couldn't sleep. I usually don't relate to much horror media despite enjoying it, but I think this is one of the few times a horror piece has shook me down to my very core not from the scares, but just how close it hits to home. I had a partner like Bunny once, the similarities are uncanny even, and I've coped through that relationship the same way Caleb did in the epilogue until that relationship ended. Idyllic Island gave me the catharsis I didn't know I needed. Keep up your amazing work with your art and your comics, I hope you have the chance for more time and energy in your life to create what you want to create, you've truly got talent

Thank you so much for reading my comic! Im sorry that you went through something so horrible, but I'm glad Idyllic Island could provide you some catharsis. And also so, SO glad you're no longer in that situation!

Caleb and Bunny's relationship isn't based on any relationship I've had with another human being, but how I treated myself for a long, LONG time. If things had gone differently for me I could have very easily fallen into either role. And honestly I don't know if I'd still be here if that had happened.

When I was making it I was really worried people would think it was grotesque problematic navel gazing torture porn and that no one could POSSIBLY like it, let alone relate to it, because I was so DEEPLY fucked up. So it really means a lot to me to hear from others who found it relatable!

[adulting-sucks]

what about Andy barber is secretly unhappily married with his wife lauri and meets reader, a single bartender, and a new next door neighbor

A/N: I am so sorry this took so long to finish, but this story just kinda ran away from me. And life bent me over too. But here you are! I’m sorry if you hate it!!

Andrew Fucking Barber

You have a gorgeous new tenant in your building with a screamer of an ex (not the fun kind). As you get to know Andrew Fucking Barber, you realize old wounds of yours are healed. Could Andy be the one? Would you allow him to be the one?

Warnings: SMUT, angst, stalking, bearings, almost death, SMUT 18+ only, fluffy ending

Word count : 13,068-sorry. I have no chill

As always, the biggest of thank you’d to @peyton-warren for pushing me to finish this story, no matter how blocked I became. You are truly the best 💙. AND Anon, I hope you like it!

“Are you fucking serious, Laurie?” you heard as you opened the front door to the stairs leading up to the apartments. There were only three on the floor, yours, Mrs. Stevens who you bought the building from ten years ago, and the new tenant, Mr. Barber who you actually hadn’t met yet. All of his interactions and payments were handled by your lawyer and his. “I don’t know how many different ways I can say this, I want a divorce. Do I need to say it in a different language? I know your pretentious education taught you at least more than one.”

You chuckled as you made your way upstairs towards your door, keeping your eyes on the floor as the argument spilled into the hallway. You heard Mrs. Stevens open her door and look out, about to yell at the noise until she locked eyes with you. You nodded your head imperceptibly letting her know you had this under control.

The man looked over at Mrs. Stevens and mouthed his apologies, fully embarrassed by the scene his ex wife was causing. Mrs. Stevens gave him a look of sympathy before going back in and locking her door.

“You are causing a scene, can you either lower your voice or leave?” he asked Laurie, at least you think that’s what he called her. You continued to keep your eyes on the floor as you tried all of your keys in your locks to hide how you were obviously eavesdropping. “I cannot go over this again. This is over. Just sign the fucking papers, you go your way, I’ll go mine,” he said, his voice laced wtih frustration.

“Not until you agree to my terms!” Laurie screeched, stomping her foot like a child throwing a tantrum. If you were being honest, her age probably matched her shoe size. “I want alimony, you owe me that at least!” she continued, her voice rising.

“I don’t owe you shit, you psychotic brat! You don’t deserve a dime of my money, especially not after what you did to Jacob!” the man said, his face red with anger, the vein in his neck bulging so far out, it might explode. “You don’t get one dime of my fucking money, it isn’t my fault your lawyer is an incompetent asshole!”

“Andy, that isn’t fair. Neal has done everything in his power to make this as easy as possible but you keep stopping every move he makes,” Laurie complained, pointing her perfectly manicured nail into the poor man’s chest. Man, you thought as you looked at your own hands, you were definitely in need of some nail care.

“It isn’t my problem, Laurie. Neal got you off the murder charge for what you did to my fucking son, but that doesn’t mean he’s a good lawyer. No one told you to pay him in pussy!” Andy yelled, his patience gone.

You couldn��t help but laugh at the last line, and though you thought you said it in your head, you whispered “Yeah, looks about right.” You immediately looked up, meeting Andy’s eyes who was laughing at your sentiment. Laurie, on the other hand, looked as if she wanted to tear you from limb to limb.

“And who the fuck are you?” Laurie asked, and boy, if a sound could kill, you would be gone. Andy mouthed an “I’m sorry”, and shook his head in embarrassment. You turned to look at Plastic Surgery Barbie with her obvious lip and cheek fillers. You would be hard pressed to find anything authentic on this floating buoy.

“I’m the fucking owner of this building,” you responded, a smirk crossing your face at the look of surprise and resentment on Laurie the blow up doll. “You, from what I gather, are Laurie, and you have been asked to leave more than once. You might want to consider taking the hint.” You leaned against the wall with your arms crossed, your eyes never leaving the other woman’s face.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” Laurie said, her face turning red at your insolence, spit flying from her mouth. She moved towards you, her finger out as she stalked towards you. You stood up, your arms at your side, your smile fake and plastered so big, your teeth touched your forehead.

“I didn’t know you were hard of hearing, or is the conversation moving too fast for you? I’ll slow it down. I - am - the - owner - of - the - building. You - are Laurie - and Andy - would - like - you - leave,” you responded, slowing down your speech and enunciating every word, then plastering another smile on your face when you finished.

“You fucking bitch!” Laurie screamed, pulling her hand back to slap you, but you were faster. You owned a hole in the wall bar with nightly fights . You’d learned a thing or two about defense. You grabbed her wrist, twisting it until her knees folded and she crumpled to the floor.

Andy laughed and now that you were finally looking at him, you couldn’t help but notice how absolutely fucking gorgeous this man is. Laurie fucked up if she left this Adonis for any other man, and all you could think of is how his large hands would feel running up and down your body, his hands exploring every inch of you. Popping back to reality, you let Laurie go, allowing her to stand.

“You’ll fucking pay for that you stupid, fucking cunt,” Laurie spat as she turned back to Andy. “This isn’t over, Andy, not by a long shot.” Laurie turned and stomped away, mumbling to herself all the way down.

“Bye Laurie! Tell Neal Andy says hello. Oh, and if you ever step foot in this building again, I will obtain an order of protection on you! I think I know a really good lawyer!” you called after the woman while Andy laughed even more. You weren’t usually this sassy and spicy, but women like Laurie made your asshole itch.

Andy was wheezing, tears streaming down his face. Not only had you been able to handle Laurie the Destroyer, you were able to do it with humor and grace. You also were the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on. Your hair, your eyes, your smile, everything about you was so nice and refreshing.

“So…did she really pay Neal in pussy for her fee?” you asked, amusement written all over your face. “I’ve heard of many different forms of payment, but I have to admit paying with pussy is a new one.” You couldn’t help but laugh at Andy’s laugh, it was so contagious and happy.

“She really did, and the pussy nor the dick was actually the work that was done.” Andy said, laughing again. “I’m Andy Barber, by the way. I believe you were dealing with my lawyer and my assistant as I was busy in court.” He held out his hand which you immediately grabbed, giving this beautiful man your name.

“I am the owner of this building, along with the bar downstairs,” you explained. You invited Andy in for a drink to calm his nerves as he was a little shaky after the confrontation. He politely declined, excusing himself with an early morning. “The offer always stands, same at the bar. My tenants get a discount on drinks, so come down one night,” you offered, a little disappointed at him declining the invitation. You didn’t know how, but you would get him into your house and bed somehow.

“Well, goodnight. I’m so sorry about all of this,” Andy said, rubbing the back of his neck. “She won’t sign the divorce papers, and that’s all I’m asking for. The pussy puppy is just doing her bidding because she allows him access to her nasty vagina. Some people call children crotch goblins, but I happen to think they live in Laurie’s vagina and come out to torutre the next man she lures in.”

You laughed so hard you snorted, tears streaming down your face. “All I can see is two little goblins popping their heads out as she tells them to run free!” you say in between breaths, your belly shaking. Andy couldn’t help but join in, the visual taking over his mind. Two little goblins peaking their heads out of the dragon’s vagina, popping out to wreak havoc on everything around them.

“Well, I guess I should turn in,” you said once you had your giggles under control. You wiped away your tears, turned your key into your lock and slowly opened your door. “The offer stands any time, my place or the bar. I meant it when I said I would get a protection order if necessary.

“I appreciate it, and I will definitely stop by for a drink when I have the chance,” Andy replied, his heart beating fast, his stomach full of butterflies. You were very different from Laurie, hell different from any other woman he had ever known. He was fascinated by you, and he was going to take every chance he got to get to know you.

“Goodnight Andy, sweet dreams,"you said as you closed your door and locked it, completely missing the fuck me Andy threw at you. You didn’t know who he was, but you knew he was now someone you really wanted to get to know, and unbeknownst to you, Andy felt the exact same way, his head filled with your smile as he shut and locked his door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday tended to be the slowest night of the week for you so you started a karaoke contest to drum up some business. Colin had been your neighbor and best friend for as long as you could remember growing up, so you managed to talk him into being the DJ with the promise of free drinks and women.

“Colin, please wait until the contest is over before fucking your conquest of the night in my damn bathroom,” you said as you passed a beer over to your friend. He smiled, completely forgetting you were immune to his bullshit, cursing and crying when you slapped the back of his neck.

The bar started filling up, busier than it had been in a few weeks which made you happy. You smiled as a few of your friends from college showed up, excited to see everyone had made it home safely . You grabbed all of their drinks and made your way over to the table.

“Jake, Pooch, Cougs, see you made it back in one piece,” you said as you handed out the drinks to your friends. Each man stood to give you a hug as you hadn’t seen each other in a few months.

“We did, almost didn’t, but the rest of the team and the Avengers came through,” Jake said. “I also happened to come across another old friend, thought you’d like to see her.” You turned and looked over your shoulder as the door opened, your mouth hanging in shock at seeing your old friend.

“My Bookworm!” you yelled as you ran and hugged her, almost knocking the two of you to the ground in the process. Wormie and you had been thick as thieves in college, which is how you ended up meeting the other three. You hadn’t seen her for about ten years. She disappeared shortly after Jake left her, her heart broken and irreparable at that point.

You had let Wormie crash at your place, taking care of her when she couldn’t, not ever understanding how Jake could do this. One day, you came home from work and she was gone, leaving a Thank You scribbled on an old receipt.

You asked your friend what she’d like to drink, your heart light and airy for the first time in a while. She followed you to the bar as you two talked, catching up on everything as if you’d never missed a day.

The door opened and in walked Paul Diskant, homicide detective and PI to close friends, along with your favorite regular, Grumpy Old Frank Adler. Frank was gruff on the outside, but a teddy bear to those he cared for. He did not care for one Jake Jensen, however and immediately rolled his eyes, a sour puss face taking over.

“Grumpy, Paul, the usual?” you asked as Wormie made her way back to her table. You couldn’t help the smile plastered on your face, and your friends couldn’t help but notice either.

“You got it, toots,” Frank said, knowing how much the word irritated you. However, when your demeanor didn’t falter, Frank threw a look at Paul, confused and concerned.

“What’s got you so upbeat today?” Paul asked as he took a pull off his beer, his eyebrow raised quizzically.

“Just running into old friends from school, friends returning alive from their last mission, and making new friends along the way,” you replied as the door opened and your Adonis Andy walked in. Paul and Frank followed your line of vision, however both men had different reactions. Where Paul was happy and amused, Frank was wary and cranky.

“Well, took you long enough to get down here, Adon-Andy,” you said, almost letting your nickname for this gorgeous creature slip. Andy smiled, that heart stopping, panty dropping smile of his when he looked at you.

“Meeting up with Paul here, and I really have been meaning to get down here, so I figured two birds, one stone,” Andy replied. He turned to Frank and held out his hand to introduce himself. “So, how do you and Paul know each other?” Andy asked.

“Paul helped me out with a personal issue a few years back, and he wasn’t a dick, so he started hanging out. And you?” you replied, pouring Andy two fingers of your best scotch on the rocks.

Andy smiled even wider, completely impressed by your ability to pick out his drink. “Paul worked a lot of cases with me, I’m in the DA’s office. He’s helping me behind the scenes with Laurie. Also, how did you know what I drink?”

“It’s a gift I’ve picked up along the way,” you said, winking at him. You looked over at Paul who was utterly amused at this side of you, then Frank who was not amused. If it were even possible, he looked crankier than ever.

“Alright, work first, play later,” Paul said clapping Andy on the back. The men moved over to a booth in the corner, Frank joining them. Andy looked over and smiled again before turning his attention to the others. Yeah, your panties were definitely ruined with that smile.

Karaoke was a success tonight, keeping you busy. Your regulars made their way to the stage throughout the night, keeping you entertained all throughout. Frank had come over for refills throughout the night, but you were so busy, you hadn’t stopped to visit. Frank was waiting at the bar when Colin announced Jake performing his usual choice.

“Oh for fucks sake, can’t he pick a different damn song?” Frank complained as the opening chords to Don’t Stop Believing came over the speakers. “Every fucking week, it’s the same fucking song with the same stupid voice.”

“This one goes out to my best friend, Cranky Franky! I know how much you love this song!” Jake said right before he started singing. You laughed, tears streaming down your face as Frank gave Jake the finger. Jake blew a kiss Frank’s way and continued on. You gave Frank the refills and headed towards the back to restock while you had a moment to breathe.

When you popped back up to the bar, you were happy to see Frank, Paul, and Andy perched, their meeting over, Andy and Paul sharing stories with Frank as you walked up and placed refills in front of the men. You wiped down the bar and removed the empty bottles and glasses as you listened to the stories, also highly amused.

Andy excused himself to answer a phone call, stepping outside so he could hear. Your eyes followed the man, a sigh falling from your lips, your face for lack of a better term, dreamy. Paul and Frank laughed, but also maintained an air of caution. Frank and Paul were the only two people who knew all about you, including your past and why you haven’t dated in a long while.

“So, Andrew Barber, huh?” Paul said, one eyebrow raised as he watched you closely. You felt your neck and face heat up in embarrassment, the warmth spreading to the tips of your ears. You dropped your eyes and took a long sip from your drink as you tried to buy yourself some time.

“I uh, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you said, not fully denying the implication, however also not admitting to anything. You were careful, had been for the last five years, and you hadn’t so much as looked in any man’s direction until now. You didn’t know what it was about Andy, maybe you felt sorry for him, maybe you just admired his beauty. If you were truly being honest with yourself, you knew it was because you could relate to his situation, not fully as you thought back on your last relationship, but enough.

You could understand why Frank and Paul were worried about you. They had been there to protect you and put you back together after the trauma of your last relationship, so you knew their worry was from a place of complete love. You couldn’t articulate your feelings, you just knew this was something different, something you hadn’t felt before.

“Okay, yeah, I like him. He’s funny, he is strong, and have you seen that ass? I want to rob a fountain just to find quarters to bounce off it all day long!” you said. You had your back towards the door, so you missed Andy walking in on the last part of your conversation, and his grin at the last sentence.

“I’d love to let you do that, but I really don’t want to prosecute you for theft,” Andy said, his voice filled with amusement, his smile fully reaching his eyes. You dropped your head, your eyes wide with surprise as you mouthed a silent fuck to the floor.

“Yeah, so you heard that, huh?” you said, turning around to face the consequences of your sarcasm and denial, throwing a death glare towards Frank and Paul they laughed at your misfortune. You flipped the finger to them both, and turned to look at Andy, surprised to see amusement and something else in his face. You weren’t sure what it was, but it was also ruining your panties too.

“I mean, I’m not going to deny it, I stand by what I said. You have an ass of steel, and I would beg, borrow, and steal to watch the money shots bounce off,” you said as nonchalantly as possible, as if this was a normal, everyday conversation for you.

“You’re not wrong, I work hard for this bubble butt,” Andy said, laughing as Frank and Paul spit their drinks out, choking on their laughter. Paul hadn’t heard Andy joke like this before, and he had to admit it was nice to see his friend so relaxed, although he suspected the liquor may also be playing a part in this. Frank was happy to see a genuine smile on your face for once, something he hadn’t seen in a long time.

The night continued on in much the same manner, you and Andy flirting shamelessly, not noticing the crowd around you thin out as the hour grew late. It wasn’t until Colin waved goodbye, his choice cut of the night on his arm, that you realized it was almost time to close. You said goodbye to Jake, Wormie and The Losers as they filed out, Paul and Frank not too far behind after that, until it was only down to you and Andy.

You continued to joke and laugh as you shut everything down, finished the dishes, and counted the register down, preparing your deposit for tomorrow. When everything was finally done, you and Andy started towards the door to head upstairs to your respective apartments, however Andy was a little unsteady and was leaning on you to remain upright.

“Alright drunky, let’s get you upstairs and into bed,” you said as you huffed from the weight of Andy as he sang Closing Time, but only those two words as he didn’t actually know the song. You chuckled, telling Andy he wouldn’t be selling out any arenas in the future.

“You’re so pretty,” Andy slurred, his eyes on yours, a goofy grin plastered on his face as he swayed back and forth. “Pretty woman, pretty woman, pretty woman,” he repeated over and over as he attempted to boop your nose. After his last attempt ended in your eye, you grabbed his arm and rested it on your shoulder as you continued to steer him home.

“Where are your keys?” you asked Andy as you stopped in front of his door. Andy couldn’t answer you let alone keep his eyes open and body semi upright. “Okay, big man, let’s get you to my house, you can sleep it off there.” As you turned and made your way to your front door, you felt Andy stiffen before letting loose an ungodly amount of vomit on your head and front.

“Oh god, oh pretty woman, I just threw up,” Andy said, laughing at his misfortune. “Oh shit, I think you have something in your hair,” Andy commented as you tried to keep your own vomit in your body.

“You don’t fucking say,” you replied, finally working your front door open. You dropped Andy on the couch, not wanting to go too far into your house as you didn’t want to leave a trail of vomit in your wake. You took off your shirt and pants, leaving them in a pile at the front door as you made your way to your bathroom to shower. Once freshly cleaned, you towled yourself off and made your way to your room to get dressed only to find your guest asleep on your bed.

You grabbed your shirt and shorts, dressing quickly before heading over to where Andy was asleep, pulling back the covers to remove his shoes and any piece of clothing that he may have vomited on, however you were pleasantly surprised to see he had already done this. You stopped, staring at his arms, the muscles hard and noticeable as he had removed his button up. You pulled the covers back up, making sure he was warm, pushing a loose strand of hair out of his face. “Goodnight, my glorious god,” you whispered, placing a kiss on his forehead before moving to your side of the bed to sleep. You missed Andy sighing, a smile on his lips as he fell into an even deeper sleep.

You woke early the next morning, your bed warm and comfortable as you stretched, completely forgetting about your guest until you felt him pull you in tighter to his chest, his soft snores almost lulling you back to sleep. You could get used to this, you thought to yourself, sighing and burrowing deeper into Andy’s embrace, You fell back asleep for a few more hours before hunger forced you out of bed.

After a quick stop in the bathroom, you made your way into the kitchen and put on your breakfast playlist, an embarrassing mix of 80’s, 90’s, and 00’s boy bands. You put your headphones on, not wanting to wake Andy as you got out eggs, cheese, peppers and onions, butter, and bacon. You lost yourself to your music, Nick, Drew, Jeff, and Justin bringing out your inner popstar, even if you couldn’t sing on key at all.

“I got somewhere else to be, promises to keep, someone else who loves me and trusts me fast asleep; I've made up my mind, there is no turning back, She’s been good to me And she deserves better than that…” you belt out as you add the bacon to the pan, dance your way over to the toast, and finally whisk your eggs before pouring them in the pan, giving you your microphone back.

You continued your concert, stopping to sing along with the chorus here and there as you chopped your onions and peppers, throwing them into the middle of the eggs before closing the omelet and covering it with cheese, stopping to turn the bacon in the pan on the next burner. You were so engrossed in your singing, you missed Andy walking into the kitchen, a goofy smile on his face as he watched you sing and dance.

Andy had a secret love of boy bands too, and started dancing behind you as you serenaded him unknowingly. You turned to start the toast, screaming when you saw Andy there, throwing the bread at him as you pulled your headphones down. Andy laughed harder, catching the loaf of bread with ease, placing it on the counter next to the toaster.

“You scared the ever loving shit out of me, fuck!” you said, your hand over your heart as you tried to calm your breathing. Andy continued laughing, “How much of that did you hear?” you squeaked out, embarrassment flooding your face as you started to butter the toast, plopping strawberry jelly on top, a little splatter remaining on your cheek from your jump scare.

“Nick and Drew would be proud,” Andy said as he wiped the jelly off your face, his smile infectious. You gave a bow, telling Andy he would have to pay for this sight next time, gesturing for Andy to sit at the counter as you placed his plate of food in front of him, along with some hot sauce as you moved around to take the seat next to him.

The two of you sat in a comfortable silence, you dancing in your seat at finally eating, a habit of yours since you were small. Andy smiled and enjoyed the company. It had been a long time since he had done this, however just as he was about to speak, you both heard the shrill call of Laurie in the hall.

“ANDREW FUCKING BARBER, GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE YOU FUCKING DICK!” Laurie screamed as she pounded on Andy’s front door. Andy sighed, murmuring a quiet apology as he stood to handle his ex.

“I’m assuming this is fallout from your meeting with Paul last night?” you asked as you moved to follow him. Andy, dressed in a tank top and pants, nodded, pleading with you to stay in the house as he dealt with this. You silently agreed, not wanting to make the situation worse for you Andy.

Laurie spun around as your door opened and Andy stepped out. “You ruin my fucking life and you fuck someone else?” Laurie screamed, throwing a folder at Andy.

“Good morning, Laurie. I assume you received my new terms of divorce?” Andy said calmly. Laurie moved towards him, fury ingrained in every feature of her face.

“New terms? You fucking ruined my life, you god damn psycho!” she screamed right before landing a slap across Andy’s cheek, the sound echoing through the hall. “You had no right to have me followed!” she continued as Andy was bent over picking up the folder and its contents.

“I had every right to have you followed,” he answered, his voice calm yet amused at the same time. He would have to send Paul a huge thank you, maybe a bottle of his favorite whiskey. Andy flipped through the pictures, even more thankful for Paul’s contacts and abilities; with this, he may just get the divorce he wanted. “Look, I haven’t given these to Neal yet. Sign the new divorce papers, with my updated terms, and he will never see them.”

Andy held up the picture of Laurie with a dick in her mouth, and it was not Neal’s. He went through every picture in the pile, each one showing Laurie in an even more compromising position than before, showcasing Laurie cheating on Neal, quite similar to the pictures Andy received when he found out Laurie was cheating on him.

“You are a spineless coward-” Laurie began, stopping when she heard your front door open again. There you stood, wearing nothing but the button up shirt you had washed for Andy last night.

“Andy, are you coming back-” you stopped, pretend surprise crossing your face. “I didn’t know you had a guest. I guess I should go put some clothes on. Nice to see you again, Laura.” You giggled, something you could honestly say you had never done before and went back inside, wondering if you had just made everything worse. You couldn’t help yourself, and you also couldn’t ignore the amusement and desire written on Andy’s face.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Laurie screamed again. “You’re fucking that whore?” Andy just laughed, and you couldn’t help but laugh along with him.

“She isn’t a whore, she happens to be a business owner and a damn good cook,” you heard Andy say as you changed back into your clothes. “She’s also a singer, I can see her going all the way to the Grammys. On that note, you have two days to accept my terms before those photos find their way to Neal.”

You had found your way back into the hall once dressed, smiling brightly as Andy made his way back into your place. As you waved at Laurie, you also threw a wink her way over your shoulder. Before you knew what was happening, Laurie was standing in front of you, a smack ringing through the empty hall.

You moved your hand to your cheek, feeling something wet where you had just been struck. You pulled your hand away and saw blood, looking down to see Laurie’s keys in her hand. She raised her hand to hit you again, but this time you grabbed her wrist before she reached your face, twisting her hand until she dropped her keys, a cry of pain leaving her lips.

“You really are a sneaky, stupid bitch. A slap with your keys is cliche and just plain annoying.” You dropped Laurie’s hand, kicking her keys across the floor. “Now, I do believe you’ve been asked multiple times to leave, so you should probably do that.” At that, you turned and went back to Andy, slamming the door shut behind you.

————————————————————

You and Andy spent the day together, watching TV and baking, one of your favorite ways to relax. You called Colin and Jensen, reminding them of all of the favors they owed you, asking them to open the bar for you as you were “sick”.

“Yeah right, sick my ass. Have fun with the lawyer!” Colin said, knowing exactly what was happening. You had never taken a sick day, even when you were sick. Plus Paul told Jensen about Andy, and Jensen has a big mouth. Colin hung up before you could say anything, and you knew you were in for it the next time you saw him.

“Everything okay?” Andy asked, having been in the bathroom when you made your call. You didn’t want to tell him you were playing sick, although you knew he’d find out sooner or later, but for now, you were all his.

“Yeah, absolutely. So, the cookies are done, the lemon cake has been frosted, and the cherry pie is cooling. Did you pick what you wanted to watch?” You made your way to the freezer to grab your cotton candy flavored vodka out to try a new drink you’d heard about. “Also, you’re my guinea pig tonight.”

You grabbed two glasses, filled them with ice, and added the cotton candy vodka, followed by actual cotton candy. You turned and handed one glass to Andy while keeping another for yourself, eyes shimmering in amusement at the worried look on Andy’s face.

“Where did you get this recipe, a kindergarten carnival?” Andy said with a smirk, his right eyebrow raised in amusement as he took a sniff of the sugary confection in front of him. Your laughter rang out, causing Andy to grin even more. He loved the sound of your laugh, so rich, and the snort was even more adorable. Andy liked everything about you; you were a breath of fresh air after Laurie.

“I mean, is there anywhere else to get the best alcoholic recipes?” you joked, feigning false offense, your hand clutched to your chest. “Go ahead, take a sip.” You waited, not wanting to drink this if it was an abomination.

“Oh, I see, I’m the sacrificial lamb here!” Andy said, laughing as he brought the glass to his lips. He took a tentative sip, his eyes going wide as the drink met his taste buds. “This is so good!” Andy said as he took another sip, effectively downing the entire drink.

“Slow down there, these go down really easy,” you cautioned as you took a long pull, almost drinking the whole thing all at once yourself. You refilled both glasses, and you and Andy fell into easy conversation.

You learned about his childhood, schooling, and even a little about Laurie and Jacob, which you suspected was only because of the alcohol. But, you were also a little more open than normal, discussing a rough and lonely upbringing which led to poor choices in relationships, which led to you owning a bar and apartment complex all in one.

“I can’t believe I told you all of that. Oh God, you must think I come with an insane amount of baggage,” you said, chuckling and shaking your head. Andy made you want to open up to him, made you feel safe and unjudged, made you feel happy.

“We all have our suitcases traveling behind us,” Andy said, humor laced in his answer as he took another sip. “Hell, you’ve seen mine up close and personal.” Andy laid back on the floor, his hands behind his head as he closed his eyes, almost as if he was trying to catch a memory.

“I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours,” you replied in a sing-song voice as you grabbed his glass to pour another refill, neither of you wanting the night to end. Your favorite song started playing from your shuffled playlist, and you sang and moved your hips to the beat, missing the look of absolute bliss that passed over Andy’s handsome face as he watched you.

“Not too much to tell. Laurie and I met in college. I wasn’t sure about our future, even then, but Jacob came along our senior year. I was ready to end it, Laurie wanted to play house. I couldn’t walk away from him, from them. So, Laurie got the house and white picket fence, I got my law degree and a good job, Jacob got a family.”

You let Andy finish before you made your way back into the living room with his next cocktail, stopping to take a sip before you sat back down. You were really regretting the sharing game you set forth, worried you would chase Andy before it had even begun. You emptied your glass, needing all of the liquid courage you could muster, clearing your throat. Andy looked over, a look of worry passing over his face as he took in your solemn stature.

“Hey, are you okay?” Andy said, sitting up and making his way over to you. “You’re pale, and you’ve gone eerily silent.” Andy sat next to you, his hand resting on your thigh as you were brought back to earth, your mind and soul uneasy.

“Yeah, yeah I am. I’m just wondering how long until I have an Andrew Barber shaped cut out in my front door,” you half joked, suddenly very self conscious, unable to meet Andy’s eyes. As safe as he made you feel, your past was so painful. It took a long time to even feel safe once again, and telling Andy about it could take away that safety net.

“We don’t have to talk about it. I am not going to push you to do anything before you’re absolutely ready to. Trust me?” Andy said, sincerity in every word, his hand rubbing a calming pattern on your thigh. He grasped your chin, bringing your face up to his, making you look him in the eyes to see the truth of his words, and you did.

“I trust you,” you replied softly, leaning your face into his hand, closing your eyes to enjoy the sensation. You opened your eyes to see Andy’s face in front of yours, so close you could feel his breath on your nose. Andy leaned in and kissed you softly, his lips tender and smooth, yet breath stealing. You tasted the sweetness of the drinks on his lips as you ran your tongue along them.

You pulled back, dazed and warm, opening your eyes to see Andy mirroring you. You smiled, dropping your eyes shyly as he grinned from ear to ear, one of the first times you’d seen a genuine look of happiness from him in the short time you’d known each other.

“Wow, that was spectacular,” Andy said, laying back down on the floor, smiling like a middle schooler who just had his first kiss. You stood up, shuffling your playlist until you found something upbeat to dance too, a sudden burst of energy taking over. Andy leaned up on his elbows to watch as you moved and swayed your body to the beat of your favorite band, finally deciding to join in the fun.

At the moment, your playlist shuffled to Frank Sinatra, and Andy grabbed your hand, entwining his fingers with yours while placing his other hand on your lower back, pulling you into him as he swayed to beat, humming the melody in your ear. You closed your eyes, his smell enveloping every cell of body.

You lost yourself to the moment, finally allowing yourself to relax and just exist. You danced for another hour, each lost in one another, no words spoken yet poems flowing between you both. You yawned, the night finally catching up to you, which caused Andy to turn the music off and lead you to your bedroom. You laid down on your bed, Andy moving behind you, both of you melting into one another as you turned to face Andy.

Andy pushed your hair off your face, letting his hand caress your cheek before he closed the space between you, soft kisses placed all over, his tongue tracing your lips. You allowed him in, finally allowing yourself to fall into this man. The kisses continued until you needed to come up for air, snuggling into Andy, his warmth and scent lulling you to a deep and peaceful sleep, one without the nightmares that plagued you every night.

—---------------------------------------------------

“You’re sure about this?” Laurie said as she stared at the file Neal placed in front of her. She flipped through the pages filled with everything Laurie needed to get her revenge on you. Neal nodded, moving to sit behind his desk as Laurie continued to peruse the information in front of her.

“Absolutely. Everything is documented and legitimate, but I don’t understand why you need all of this,” Neal took a sip from the brandy on his desk, his eyes watching Laurie closely. Neal adored her, but he didn’t trust her. She did cheat on Andy with him after all.

“She is the easiest way to get to Andy. We do this, if we can pull this off, we can finally get him to sign the divorce decree you drew up. We get almost everything of his and he loses it all. His money, his job, his new whore.” Laurie moved to straddle Neal and encouraged him to ask not to be disturbed for the foreseeable future.

———————————————————————

Your mornings of singing and dancing, sometimes with Andy, most times without, continued, and for the first time in a while, you found a pep in your step that hadn’t been there before. When you and Andy were able to see each other, it was nice and sweet, mixed with heavy petting and makeout sessions. Dinner was also sometimes included in these moments, and you found you loved cooking with the man.

Tonight, Andy had managed to finish a large case and was able to join you at the bar. He sat on an open seat at the opposite end of the bar, a vase of tiger lilies held carefully in his large hands while his tilted face smiled at you with his lopsided grin. Andy knew in this moment, watching you, that he was madly in love, and nothing could change or break that bond.

You were finishing up an order while laughing at one of Jensen’s jokes as Wormie stood next to him rolling her eyes and laughing. Wormie looked back at Jensen, pushed his glasses up his nose, and gave him a soft and loving kiss, one that Andy wanted to give to you, if he were being honest.

You laughed, and also sighed at the touching scene in front of you, slowly realizing how closed off and isolated you had made yourself. Your thoughts turned to your lawyer, and for once, you couldn’t wait for the night to end so you could see him, kiss him, feel his arms around you. Jensen leaned in and told you someone was waiting towards the other end of the bar, and when you looked, your heart skipped a beat, maybe even a few.

You made your way down to Andy, your smile becoming so large you felt like your cheeks would explode. “Well, hey there handsome. Didn’t think I would see you for a few more weeks.” You leaned in, kissing your man softly on the lips, only stopping at the catcalls and whistles from your friends. You buried your face in his neck, kissing him lightly while laughing.

“Hey, there are children in this bar! Jensen isn’t allowed to watch the mature themed shows!” Colin yelled, The Losers howling while Wormie comforted her man. You chuckled and flipped Colin the bird before focusing your attention on the very gorgeous man in front of you.

“Hi, Handsome,” you said, kissing him again for good measure. “Hey, that’s my line!” Andy said, feigning offense as he handed you the vase of lilies. You took a deep sniff, your eyes closed and a small moan of happiness left your lips. It had been a long time since you had even thought about dating, and this man was not making it easy for you to hide away.

“Hey Andy!” Paul said, clapping the man on his shoulder. The two fell into an easy conversation as you freshened up their drinks. Frank walked up a moment later, throwing a nod to the two men before sitting down in front of his beer. The four of you hung out, drinking and talking, not realizing how late the time hour had gotten until you saw The Losers cleaning up for ya, and Colin taking him his flavor of the night.

You also never saw the clothed figure hiding in the back of the bar, face covered. The Losers had left just as the figure snuck in, and once all but you, Andy, Paul, and Frank had left, the figure snuck out the back door into the alley, waiting in the shadows.

You cleaned while the men talked, finishing the dishes and clearing out the register for the nightly deposit at the bank drop next door. Paul and Frank bid their farewells, heading out towards the night as you locked the door behind them.

Andy stood to help with the last of the closing work, helped you into your jacket, then made sure the rest of the lights were off as you waited for him at the back door. You set the alarm, you two leaving and locking the door behind you. Andy grabbed your hand, bringing it up to his lips as you smiled up at him, the butterflies floating through your stomach. Once you had dropped the deposit in the night deposit drawer, you both made your way back to the apartments, opening the door and climbing the stairs laughing. Mrs. Stevens popped per head out to smile and wave at the two of you as you unlocked your front door, allowing Andy in ahead of you.

You never saw the figure watch which building you went into, nor did you see him prop the door open for access. As quickly as he was in, he was back in the shadows, waiting for his moment.

He had waited years for this moment. He had waited in prison, on probation, and now, here he was. He never thought he would see you again, but this time, you were his.

You leaned your back against your front door, your eyes closed as you enjoyed the buzz running through your body. When you opened them, you saw bright blue eyes in front of you, felt a large hand on your hip while the other caressed your face. You leaned in, staring at the most inviting set of lips you’d ever seen. Andy closed the gap, his lips on yours gentle and passionate all at once, this man a walking contradiction.

You closed your eyes, allowing Andy entrance into your mouth as you kissed him with every emotion and ounce of passion you’d hidden away the last few years, grabbing his shirt to turn him around and pin his back to the door. You pulled away, panting from the best kiss you’d ever received. You saw the lust written all over Andy's face, and you knew without a doubt your face was a mirror image of his.

You started to his Andy’s neck, biting and sucking, down from behind his ears all over the soft flesh of neck to his collarbones. You felt a sharp intake of breath as you placed your hands under his shirt, running your fingers over every muscle and ridge. You removed your hands and slowly started unbuttoning his shirt, softly sliding it down his shoulders and onto the floor.

You looked up, looking for permission from this god damn man of perfection, as you kissed his shoulders, his collar bones, stopping to take his nipples in your mouth. You felt his hand grab the back of your head and lightly pull your hair, causing you to moan. You continued your kisses, moving down lower, stopping to loosen his belt and remove his pants and boxer briefs, falling to your knees as you pulled them down with you. You helped him step out, then pushed him back against the wall, your mouth watering at the first look of his beautiful cock.

You licked your lips, looking up at Andy for approval, your hand moving up and down on his thick shaft, your fingertips already covered in precum. Andy, with his hand still entwined in hair, nodded his consent, his eyes ablaze with passion.

You started with small licks up the shaft of his thick cock, the mushroom head red and leaking. You kitten licked the head, already addicted to the taste of this man. You continued to stroke him up and down while twisting your wrist as you sucked on his balls, your thumb running over the tip of his cock.

“Fucking hell,” Andy said, hardly above a whisper as you continued this assault for a few more munites, enjoying every taste of this man. You moved your hand down the shaft and sucked the top of his cock in as deep as you could, paying extra attention to the head, leaking your new favorite taste. You’d done this with other men, but not one of them tasted like this. You were now ruined for all other men. You continued sucking and licking, your hand moving over the part of the shaft you weren’t able to fully take into your mouth.

Andy kept silently cursing and praising whatever being out there who created you. Your mouth was the best he’d ever had, and he wasn’t sure he would ever let anyone else suck his dick again. You were it for him. As you moved deeper and deeper, down, he held your hair tight, pulling and pushing in the moments you made him feel so good; he thought he was a virgin again.

“Fuck, “m so close. I’m gonna cum,” Andy said as he tried to remove your mouth from his cock. You, however, were having none of that. You started sucking harder, drool dripping down off your chin and to the floor, your hand still pumping and working the cock you couldn’t fully fit yet, Andy was most definitely larger and thicker than any other man you’d been with.

You felt him still, his thighs tighten, your only warning before you felt ribbons of cum hit the back of your throat. You swallowed every last drop, once again instantly addicted to the taste of this man. When you were sure you’d swallowed every last drop, you released Andy, making sure to catch all the loose cum with your finger and put it in your mouth, never once breaking eye contact.

You stood up and Andy grabbed you, kissing you deeply and thoroughly, mixing the kiss with his cum still left in your mouth. “That has to be the best blow job I have ever had,” Andy said, contentment written over every feature as he leaned his head back against the door and closed his eyes.

“I am addicted to the taste of you, Andy. You have officially ruined me for all others.” You rested your head against his chest, listening as his heart slowed. He picked you up, moving you to the couch, placing you gently on the seat as he fell to his knees in front of you. He kissed you softly, moving from your mouth to your neck, learning which spots to hit by paying attention to every sound and sigh you made. He slowly unbuttoned your shirt, throwing it to the side. He stopped at your bra, waiting for your consent, not wanting to rush you into something you weren’t ready for.

You nodded, sitting up a little as Andy unclasped the bra from the back, slowly pulling the straps down your shoulders following with a trail of kisses and bites. Once your breasts were free, he wasted no time taking one nipple in his mouth as his other hand moved lower, his hand rubbing your pussy through the cloth. You grabbed the back of his head, pulling him in closer as you felt yourself growing wet while his had still stroked your cunt. soft and smooth, his fingers slipping in the covered folds.

He switched nipples, his mouth assaulting it with new vigor while his hand had started to remove your leggings, leaving you in barely there boy shorts, a very dark wet patch center and showing. He kept licking, biting, sucking on your sensitive nipple while his hand dipped under the band of your boy shorts, his fingers gathering your wetness. He pulled away from your breast and placed his fingers in his mouth, moaning as if he had just tasted the sweetest nectar in creation.

You watched, the sight of him licking your essence off of his fingers the most erotic thing you had ever seen. “Andy, please…” you begged, your hands in his hair. “Please what, baby? I need to hear what you want,” You groaned in frustration, asking Andy to eat your cunt, so wet all for him

He growled, something primal taking over him, as he pulled you to the edge of the couch He wasted no time in getting three fingers right into your cunt, already so wet and ready for him as he ran his tongue up and down your folds before finally sucking your clit into his mouth. His assault was fast and hard, working you towards oblivion in a matter of minutes.

You moaned and groaned, your hands in his hair starting to pull as he took you to a place you’d never recover from. You’d never been eaten out like this, so passionately and fervently. Most other men had always treated it like a chore making you feel it was your problem, not theirs. But not Andy. Andy ate you as if he would never have a meal again, as if he needed to memorize each scent, each fold, the way your body arched as his fingers found the sweet spot, a spot you had only heard of as rumor.

You felt the band tightening, your body starting to tense. Andy, feeling your pussy grab his fingers and suck them in further, double downed his attack on your clit, licking and sucking as if this was his last meal. “Andy!” you cried, his only warning before you started cumming harder than you had ever before. Andy continued on, cresting you into your second orgasm before the first had even finished. He finally slowed, his face and beard sleek with your wetness. You pulled him up, kissing him all over as you tasted yourself on his face. You finally laid back, panting from the two intense orgasms you had just experienced.

Andy rested his head on your chest, kissing every inch of skin he could, your smell still all over his face, and he never wanted it to go away. Andy was now fully addicted to you, your soft skin, your moans, your gentle calling of his name, the way your face scrunched as you came,. He would only want you, crave you, need you.

He gathered you up in his arms, carrying you to your bed, pulling back the covers, getting you both in and settled before he pulled the covers over you both, his hand wrapped around your stomach, pulling you in as closely as he could. He kissed your shoulder, already knowing you had fallen asleep, your deep and even breaths filling the room. “I think I love you,” he whispered as he kissed you once more before falling into his own sleep.

—---------------------------------------------------

You turned over, your body so soft and refreshed, a feeling you hadn’t had in so long. You opened your eyes, the gentle face of Andy Barber in front of you. You reached out to move some hair out of his eyes, and you felt your body melt all over again, your nipples hard, your skin cold and warm all at once.

Andy pulled his arm around your waist tighter, pulling you in, your face resting in the crook of his arm. He placed a kiss on the top of your head, sighing in content before saying good morning. You closed your eyes and breathed Andy in, never wanting to leave this bed or his embrace. Just as the two of you were falling asleep, a loud bang suddenly rocked the building.

You and Andy sprang up, grabbing your clothes and a hoodie as you made your way to the door and made your way downstairs. You told Mrs. Stevens to stay in her apartment, you would let her know when everything was safe. When you made it down and opened the door, there was nothing that seemed out of the ordinary. As you walked a little further down the alley, you saw it something you hadn’t seen in years, something you were sure was over and done with.

Your face went pale, and before you knew it, you fainted, the sounds of Andy calling your name. He rushed you upstairs, placing you gently into bed as he pulled out his phone to call the only two people you trusted.

It only took Frank and Paul two minutes to reach your place, Andy having met the men downstairs, and by the look on their faces, he knew this was more serious than he could ever imagine. “What is this, and why did it make her pass out? Andy said, not missing the silent communication between the other men.

“Where is she?” Frank asked, heading towards the door. “Is she in her apartment?” Andy confirmed, letting Frank know he had placed you in your bedroom as the man disappeared into the building. Andy turned his attention to Paul who had moved into full detective mode.

“Andy, were you with her all night?” Paul asked as he continued looking at the symbol on the wall. It was a painted black rose with a diamond painted over the stem, the petals painted to form a skull.

“Paul, what the fuck is this and why did it scare her so much?” Andy said, concerned for the woman upstairs, the woman he loved. His woman was strong and sassy, you wouldn’t take shit from anyone. So how did one picture shatter your carefully crafted facade?

“It isn’t my story to tell, Andy. She has to tell you this. And yes, Andy, this is bad. She is going to need you. I’m going to head up there. Go home.” Paul turned around and headed up the stairs, Andy not far behind. Frank was waiting at your door for Paul, and it took everything Andy had inside of him to not burst past the two men.

Andy waited, pacing around his living room, stopping at the door here and there to see if there had been any movement. He tried to read the paper or any new case files he had received, tried to listen to whatever game was playing, After what felt like hours, Andy heard the door across the hall open and close, Paul locking everything from the outside while the two men continued talking low and softly.

Andy opened his door as the two men walked up. “What’s going on?” Andy asked, concern laced in every word. Paul and Frank looked at each other. “We can’t tell you her story, that is hers and hers alone to share,” Frank said. “We will keep watch on her, and please keep checking in on her. Here is my spare key. If she gets worse, we will need to talk. Try to get her to shower and eat. I will check in daily.”

Andy shook Pau and Frank’s hands, and returned to his apartment. He put together some hand foods, a few bottles of water, and some of your favorite fruits. He made his way to your door, knocking softly. When you didn’t respond, he used his spare key to let himself in. He looked around, the living room still scattered with clothes from the amazing night you two had just shared, and he couldn’t help but marvel at how quickly things can change.

Andy walked into your bedroom, stopping at the foot of the bed. You were buried under all your blankets, not one part of your head showing. Andy heard the soft sobs, and it broke his heart to ever see you this way. Every bone in his body wanted to protect you, to keep you from ever crying again.

Andy softly placed the tray on the ground, and moved to pull the covers off your head, but you latched onto his hand and let out a blood curdling scream, fighting Andy with every ounce of strength you had. Andy backed up, his hands held in surrender, and slowly moved out of the room. You kept screaming for Andy to leave, to get out, never once stopping until the front door was closed and once again locked.

The rest of the week seemed to progress the same. Andy would try to feed or clean you; you were either MMA fighter of the week or catatonic, no inbetween. You never left your bed, your curtains were never pulled back, you had no food in the house, and you weren’t going to be leaving any time soon.

You thought this part of your life was done and behind you, but what happened last week was a warning that it would never be done. You were never going to be free. The way you saw it, you had two options. Die a slow and painful death, or finally give in to the person making your life a living nightmare. You chose option one. Anything was better than option two. You were sure HE was there, watching, just waiting for the right moment to rape you and kill you. Of one thing you were certain: You would never let him take you alive.

Andy was still so sweet, checking in on you every morning and night, feeding you and bathing you. He washed your linens and made your bed, he stayed with you until you pretended to fall asleep,

Then he would make his way down to the bar, open it up and run it, Jensen and Colin checking in on you, Andy saying just how under the weather you were. Andy wasn’t sure the two men bought the story, but it wasn’t exactly a lie. You hadn’t seen Frank or Paul, so you weren’t exactly able to connect with them yet, so you just continued on.

A few weeks had passed of this, and you were showing no improvement, and the knot of worry Andy carried with him grew and grew. Luckily that night, Frank and Paul showed up. The three of them took the corner booth, to discuss everything in privacy. Colin was watching the bar, The Losers out on assignment.

“I have fed her, bathed her, cleaned her, anything I can. Sometimes she yells at me, sometimes she doesn’t even look at me.” Andy hung his head in resignation, tears forming. He looked up at the other men, and asked what the hell was going on. “She is the love of my life, and she is just a shell of the woman I met. Please tell me what the fuck is going on because she has gone catatonic.”

Paul and Frank looked at each other before a silent decision was made. Paul was the one to speak. “About thirteen years ago, she moved here from Boston, bright and fresh faced, ready to start something new in life. She was so young when she left home, her mom having died when she was eighteen, so she took the first job she was offered.

“It wasn’t in a great club, she was a cocktail waitress at one of the sleaziest strip clubs owned by a porn tycoon, a man who toed the line between what is legal and barely legal, a man known through the criminal underground as Skull. Skull was ruthless in all dealings, legal and illegal alike. He killed indiscriminately, he groomed and violently coerced his most promising young women into his business. But it wasn’t until she had started working for Skull that me had moved into a full blown obsession.”

“He followed her everywhere she went. He made her stay late every shift so that she would miss the bus and he would have to drive her home. He started sending her gifts with love notes attached. When those didn’t work, he started to send her threats because she would end up dead before she was with another man.”

Frank hopped in, seeing the anger flash across Paul’s body. “Our girl is smart. She knew he was bad from the start and decided to find another job. She worked one last shift, and at the end, she let Skull, the owner of the club, know that she had found another position, and this was her last night. She left before he could respond, hoping that would be the end of it.”

“It wasn't,” Paul continued. “It started with him following her everywhere. She used to love walking, but now had to take a bus everywhere. She moved fifteen times over the next three years, and he found her each and every time. She changed her name, she changed her phone number, she filed restraining orders, did everything right, and it still wasn’t enough.

“One night, about twelve ago, she came home and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She started her shower, undressed and grabbed her robe, and made her way into the hot bath. As she stepped in the shower, she heard her security alarm beep as if someone had opened the door and turned the alarm off. She turned off the shower, slowly dressed, grabbed her baseball bat in the corner and made her way down the stairs.”

Paul sighed deeply, taking a long sip of his beer before he continued. “He caught her off guard, hiding right behind the corner of the kitchen, just out of sight. As she drew near, Skull grabbed the bat and beat her over the head with it, viciously. He continued beating her body, almost killing her. Through the entire beating, she just took it, waiting for him to mess up.:

“He dropped the bat, his hands covered in so much blood he was unable to grasp it any longer. In that one second, she grabbed one of the many guns hidden throughout the house, pulled back the hammer and released the safety. Skull turned around, laughing at her, thinking there would be no way she had the power to shoot him. She pulled the trigger, unleashing a full clip into his chest and abdomen, not stopping until he fell.”

“He was in the infirmary in the county hospital for three months. Once healed, he went to trial for breaking and entering, assault with a deadly weapon, and attempted murder. His lawyer was a top notch defense lawyer, had his sentence dropped to fifteen years, no parole. The prosecution in this case was an idiot, Neal Logdice something like that, who opted for the plea instead of a trial.”

Andy’s face paled, his heart hammering in his chest. “Neal was his prosecutor?” Andy asked, his voice lethal and soft, a voice Paul and Frank had never heard before. Paul nodded, remembering Andy used to be an assistant district attorney. Andy knew where he’d seen that symbol before, from the case files Neal would leave out.

“How did she end up here and who knew about all of this?” Andy asked, pulling a notepad out. Paul gave all of the details of the arrest, and about how Skull had made parole last week. Frank gave all of the details of the apartments and bar, all under her dead mother’s name, with Frank as the landlord of all areas. The Frank and Paul correlation was now falling into place. Andy knew this was because of him, Laurie and Neal would be just stupid enough to go after you to get to him.

“Who testified on behalf of Skull at his probation hearing?” Andy asked. Paul pulled out the roster from the parole hearing and listed off the names, Laurie showing up on that list. “What were the conditions of his parole?” Andy continued as he looked at the legal forms of the parole forms.

“No felons, he is able to return to his prior legal business dealings, no random drug screens, weekly check ins by phone or text, all approved by Neal and the DA’s office.” Andy threw his beer against the wall, his anger finally escaping. This was his fault. He had brought you right into Laurie’s sights, and she would use whatever she had at her disposal to hurt Andy.

Suddenly, a scream pierced the air. Paul, Andy, and Frank made their way out the back door and up the steps, stopping before the open door to your apartment. Inside, you were on the floor, a large man holding a knife to your throat.

Andy rushed the room, dropping the man to the floor, grabbing the knife and sticking it into his gut, twisting the knife as he watched the color drain from the man’s face. It wouldn’t kill him, Andy wasn’t a murderer, but he would incapacitated for a while. Andy was just about to check on you when Laurie, who’d been hiding in the other room, pulled out a small handgun, firing one into Andy’s shoulder. Before Laurie could get another shot off, you jumped up and hit her in the head with your favorite lamp.

Paul threw cuffs on Skull, making sure they were tight before moving to Laurie, who was still unconscious. In a matter of minutes, there were lights and sirens all over, ambulances and first responders making their way up the stairs to assess the injuries.

Skull was taken down first, his face pale with blood loss. Andy dropped one punch into the wound, a complete accident to all who saw. Laurie was taken next, and she had never looked better than she died not with bruises and cuts littering her plastic face.

Paul and Frank gave the story to the police, also bringing light to Neal’s involvement in everything that had transpired. As the chatter continued, Andy was taken to a truck to have his shoulder wound evaluated when he saw you, bruised and beautiful.

You walked up towards him slowly, shame written all over your face. You stopped in front of Andy, unable to look at him, unable to speak. “Baby, I’m so sorry, All of this is because of me.” Andy cried, distraught at the fact that his ex was the one who did this to you.

“No Andy, this isn’t your fault at all. I hadn’t fully dealt with this problem, and because of that, you almost got killed.” You snuggled into his side, careful of the shot shoulder, and started to cry, allowing yourself to finally let go of everything.

Andy turned your head, giving you a sweet and tender kiss, one that would live on your lips forever. “I will always be here to protect you, I promise.” Andy kissed you again and again, never wanting to let you go.

“We have to get him to the hospital ma'am, would you like to ride with him?” You looked at Andy and knew there was no other place you would rather be. It wasn’t the most romantic moment, but it made you realize just how much Andy Barber loved you, and how much you loved him.

—---------------------------------------------------

The next few weeks passed quietly. Skull was treated and released back to maximum security prison to await trial for stalking, attempted homicide, attempted sexual assault. As this was his strike three, Skull would be locked up for life, no chance of parole. He thought he would find some reduced sentence by turning in Neal and Laurie, but that was never an offer on the table.

Neal was disbarred and immediately fired from the DA’s office. He dropped Laurie as fast as he could, especially once he saw the photos of her infidelity. Laurie tried to reach out to Andy for another negotiation of the divorce, but Andy declined. He served her the papers, effectively giving her nothing, but took prison off the table if she signed. Before the ink had even dried, Laurie had left the state and moved back in with her parents.

You weren’t able to go back to your apartment. Your space and safety was violated, and you didn’t think it would return there. Andy suggested the two of you move in together and you agreed. You pulled out the blue prints of the apartments that Frank brought you, trying to find a way to make it all work. You decided to knock the wall between your old apartment and Mrs. Stevens’ apartment down, effectively doubling the size of the place for the woman.

Andy found a hollow wall behind his bedroom wall, and after looking at the blue prints, you found a large second apartment that had been blocked off in the original build, the previous owner never able to find someone to rent the space to.

It took a few weeks, but it all came together, this home for you and Andy. You went back to the bar once the apartment was done, welcomed back in with a surprise party hosted by none other than Jake Jensen and Colin Shea. The bar was closed to the public, allowing only your closest friends, even better, your family in for the festivities.

Andy was late, as usual when he was working a case, but he always made it, always made sure you were never alone. He’d just finished a huge win, and there was nowhere he would rather be than here with his family. Jensen handed him his favorite scotch, handed him a microphone, and lined Andy, Jake, Colin, Clay, and Roque up to sing a song from one of your favorite boy bands, *NSYNC.

Andy was red as he sang and danced while you whistled at your man, dancing as awkward as any one person could. He winked at you, throwing his tie in your direction, where you almost had to fight Aisha for it.

The festivities continued, you snuggled in Andy’s arm the entire night, laughing and smiling. For the first time in your life, this finally felt genuine, happy, as if nothing could make you scared ever again

The night started to wind down, Andy leading you out and to home with his arm around your waist, his tie hanging loosely around your neck as you made your way upstairs. Andy stopped and pressed your back against the front door, kissing you as a man lost, a man who may never see his love again.

You pulled away, breathless and hot, turning the knob to let you in the apartment. Andy stood in the doorway as you walked in backwards and stopped in the living room. You removed his tie first, letting it fall to the ground, never once breaking eye contact. Next came your shirt, button by button slowly undone before you let it fall to the ground. Next were your pants, undone and slowly pushed to the ground, lifting one foot out and then other as you kicked the pants to the side.

Andy couldn’t tear his eyes away, you were the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on, and the more that came off, the harder his cock got as he rubbed his growing bluge over his pants, his eyes never leaving yours.

You reached behind your back and unhooked your bra, letting the left strap slide down, then the right, keeping the cups in place over your breasts. You watched Andy undo his pants, pulling them and his boxer briefs low enough to allow his cock freedom, his hand stroking and twisting up and down the shaft, his thumb sweeping his precum down and over the shaft. You let the bra drop, rubbing your breasts, playing with your right nipple, then the left, your head thrown back at the sensation.

Andy continued watching, stroking himself slowly as you continued to play with your nipples, soft moans and sighs the only sound leaving your mouth. You licked your lips, biting the bottom one as you opened your eyes and watched your gorgeous man pleasure himself at the sight of you. The pure eroticism in this moment was the dream of Penthouse porns.

You kept your eyes locked with Andy’s as you dipped your hand under the band of your lace thong, your fingers swirling over your clit, sending jolts of pleasure through your entire nervous system. You were so lost in your feelings, you never noticed Andy crossing the room until he grabbed your wrist and pulled your fingers into his mouth, tasting the very essence he was desperate for.

He turned you around, your back flush with his chest as he dropped his hand between your legs, three fingers immediately disappearing in your wet and inviting pussy, squelching with the sound of your excitement. You leaned your head on his shoulders has he pummeled your cunt making sure you would be ready for him.

Andy spun you around, grabbing you beneath your ass as he hooked your legs over his arms and lifted you up, your legs wrapping around his waist. Andy moved your cunt to sit at the top of his rock hard cock, sliding your pussy up and down to coat the tip before he slowly pushed into you, inch by fucking inch.

He kissed you as he pushed, taking his time to feel every wall and ridge as you moaned and pleaded with him to please fuck you. Once he was fully seated, he started to do just that, fucking you so ruthlessly, you felt him prod your cervix, his fingers bruising your hips with their grip.

On and on he pummeled, over and over, grunting in your ear, whispering songs of love, until you felt the band snap, your soul exiting your body as he continued to fuck you, causing the soul to stay out of body as your orgasms took the very breath and existence out of you.

As you returned to your body, you felt his cum coat every inch of the inside of your abused cunt, so well spent, you never wanted to be without his dick again. As you both panted, slumped into each other as you caught your breath, you smiled and kissed him all over.

“Come on, lover man, we have at least six other rooms to desecrate before the night is through.” You continued kissing his face until he looked up at you and said you’d be the death of him as he carried you to the bedroom for round two. Mrs. Stevens was just happy Andy was finally in the apartment. Yes, he had a very nice ass indeed, but it wasn’t one she needed to see ever.

[imsatu]

How are Siblings of Sin recruited?

i was thinking about the siblings of sin, and now i have a few questions

how are they hired? like do they apply? are they contacted? are they like a normal company that sometimes does a bit of satanic stuff?

[1042 (not proof-read) words of how i think they end up in the clergy, at least sometimes]

CW: angst, some swear words, but everything turns out fine! idk if this makes the most sense so i'm sorry if it doesn't!

It was enough. I had enough, nothing else could go wrong anymore, because there was nothing right. In a matter of months, my whole life had gone to shit, my job had laid me off, I was kicked out of the house, and now my car had broken down in the middle of nowhere.

I didn’t even have to check for oncoming cars when I opened the door to get out, the place was deserted. Great. Even the signal had abandoned me. It truly felt like the universe was laughing at my face, actively. My phone was about to die, and I really didn’t know where I was. It hadn’t been so long since I had passed a tiny village, maybe someone there could help. But it would take a while to get there walking, and it was getting dark. It truly was the biggest fuck you from whatever celestial being there was. ‘Cause it had to be someone with special power to set me up like this, the constant bad luck I had was ridiculous at this point.

Yes, I had never felt like the luckiest person out there. I had never felt like a ‘normal’ person, to be honest. Since my childhood, there was something odd about me, something that made me different, in a way. Whatever it was. Everyone noticed it, but when I did, it was already too late to try and change it. Sometimes I cursed myself out, I had lost the only opportunity I had to fit in, something I wasn’t willing to admit I craved. To be a part of.

I threw myself in the car slamming the door shut, and leaned my forehead against the wheel, a big sigh coming out of me.

A knock on the window made me jump on the seat. I blinked fast, staring up at the man that towered over me, standing right outside the door. Where the hell did he come from? I didn’t hear the car, which was visibly parked behind mine. I barely rolled the window down, trying to have a good look at the man.

He was grinning wide, but somehow it didn’t feel creepy, more like… Comforting. He had warm, dark eyes, and a long and thick set of dreadlocks. Somehow, the energy that came out of him wasn’t threatening or scary.

“Can I help you?” My voice shook a little. The contrary chuckled.

“Oh, I should be the one asking the question!” He opened his arms, signing at the car. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah…” I gave a second glance at the man, and sighed. “No, no I’m not,” against my better judgment, I got out of the car. “This piece of crap broke down, and I don’t know what to do now.”

“I can have a look at it if you want,” he shrugged. “I’m no expert, but maybe I can be of help.” The man opened the hood, after I pressed the button for it to unlock.

“This is way too old, I don’t think it’s salvageable,” I walked to the front as well, and had a better look at his clothes.

They were strange, black button-down shirt with his sleeves rolled up, black baggy cargo pants, mid-calves boots, golden accessories except for what looked like a silvery, very ornate upside down cross.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t even ask you your name,” I clicked my tongue.

“Oh, it’s Swiss,” he answered from inside the hood.

“Swiss? Is that a real name?” I couldn't help but chuckle.

“Not really,” Swiss came out, with a smirk. “But it is mine,” he clapped his hands together. “I have great news and not so great news. It’s solvable, but it’ll take a while.”

“Amazing,” I rubbed my face. “What the hell am I going to do now?” I muttered. “Thank you, Swiss.”

“I don’t want to be intrusive, or something,” the man leaned on the car, “but do you need help with something else? I can drive you, or let you use my phone, it’s no big deal.”

“It’s fine,” I shook my head. “I’ll figure it out, I guess,” I headed to the inside of the car again. “Do you know a place I can stay the night at?”

He laughed, closing the hood of the car. “Yeah. It might sound weird, I guess, but the… Institution where I live will take you, no issue. Probably there’s someone that can fix the car too.”

“Institution?” I crossed my arms, raising an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”

“I don’t know if it will make any sense,” he started heading to his car, but stopped in his tracks. “I know it will sound weird, it was strange for me too at first,” the man laughed. “The Ministry is a special place, where certain people go looking for a home.”

“Certain people?” I was starting to get bored.

“Yeah, those without a home, of course, or direction, or a motive. People that don’t fit in where they are supposed to belong, people that are lost in themselves.” I had gone quiet, my eyes pensive. That stung a bit, it felt too close.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Swiss talked. “I was in your place once, I couldn’t believe how much it sounded like me, like it was too good to be true,” he chuckled.

“But what’s the catch?” I giggled, kind of nervously. There had to be something. “None,” he shrugged. “I was given a new name, I can contact whoever I want outside, if I wanted to leave I could. But I won’t,” he grinned. “They gave me a purpose, a new chance, a new beginning. And believe me, if you’re here, the Ministry found you, which means that you’re just like me, and just like everyone else there.”

I wasn’t able to answer. That was true. I had left to try and find myself. And, for some reason, this did feel like a good start.

“So,” Swiss opened the door to the passenger side with a genuine smile, and signed for me to enter. “What is your new name going to be in this new beginning?”

It took me a few seconds, but I got into the car.

“Haven,”  I nodded softly. “My name is Haven.”

[m34gs]

What is a belief you had as a child that you no longer have? Why did that belief change?

Hi hi! Thank you for the ask! So sorry to have kept you waiting; I was working a stretch and it left me too tired to put in the effort I wanted to for this ask so I waited until I had a day off! Some of my answer gets a bit heavy, so I will put that part under a cut in case anyone wants to skip it. 💜

Some of this hurts a little to admit, but I think maybe it's good to put into words. When I was a child, I believed what I needed most in life was the approval and praise of my family. I thought that as long as I had that, I would be able to live a happy life.

That is not true. It was never true. And I didn't truly realize it until I fully moved away from the town I grew up in, when I was 23. In the middle of a the pandemic.

I had been in the closet about being queer, and I never imagined I'd be able to be open about it. I was only just starting to explore my love of horror and horror movies more fully. I was under the impression that I needed to attend church to be a good person. When I moved away, I got to be unapologetically gay in my own home. I could watch whatever movies I wanted without fear that my father would walk in and complain about how gross and bad they were...you know, he honestly tried to tell me that children cartoons I watched when I was younger were the reason I had nightmares and that Ninja Turtles (yes, the teenage mutant ninja turtles. crime-fighting turtles, a completely fantastical thing that I not only knew wasn't real but that was a massive source of comfort and joy to me when I felt really alone) were the reasons I was a sinner. I stopped going to church (partly because of the pandemic) and I realized I felt so much better when I didn't worry about other people judging me or fitting into their little mould of what is "good".

And I realized what a shitty way I was treated by my father. He's not wholly a bad person; I always feel the need to preface it with that. He does good things. He can be kind. He's just a person, not evil or pure, and unfortunately he directed a lot of his unkindness toward me. I realized I don't need him. I don't need his approval. I don't even need my mother's approval. I need no one's approval but my own. Yeah, it stings if they judge me or don't like what I'm doing, but when it comes down to it, this is my life. I realized I don't need to stress about impressing distant cousins at the family reunions, and that I don't need to tolerate the bigotry of some of my father's family. (My mother says maybe it's good I don't go to the reunions on my dad's side as much, not because she doesn't want me there, but because she hears how other people talk and she doesn't like it and she knows the things they say would upset me for sure. She's right. If I'd gone to the past few, I absolutely would've gotten in a fight, and given my newer attitude of "if you're gonna be stupid, you'd better be tough/fuck around and find out, bitch" toward people who think they can just spout whatever hate they want, I am not sure it wouldn't have been a fist-fight.)

Funnily enough, while my father can definitely tell there's a change, he doesn't meet me with the hostility and rage I was expecting. Not sure if that's a testimony of his therapy sessions and anger management courses, or if mother told him how close I came to fully cutting him off, or if my confidence scares him. Maybe it's all three. I kind of hope he is scared of me. Call me petty, but I lived in fear of him for 23 years. He can learn to fear the monster he fucking created :)

Thanks for the ask, and sorry this got a little more soul-baring than I initially intended💜💜

[rebelwrites]

Winner Takes It All || Fifteen Galas, Heart To Hearts And Volatile Situations

Charles Leclerc x Valentina Hendrix (OC)

Winner Takes It All Masterlist

Summary: In Valentina’s mind the galas were completely pointless, after turning up with Hudson the tension starts to rise

Warnings: a lot of tension in this part I’m sorry 🥺

As always reblogs and feedback is highly appreciated ❤️ if you want tagging in future parts let me know ❤️

Hudson’s POV

There was tension lingering in the air, mainly from Charles. I could see the pain in his eyes from the moment we arrived at the gala. Wrapping my arm around Valentina’s waist I pressed a kiss against her temple. Trying my best to ignore the tension in the air I zoned back into the conversation not knowing what they were talking about, I must have had a look of pure confusion on my face which caused Valentina to burst out laughing, patting her ring cladded hand against my chest.

“You seriously need to learn a bit of French, baby. Don’t worry I will teach you.” She giggled, pulling the straw to her mouth. “Basically, Pear was just asking an extremely personal question that he shouldn’t be asking.” She hummed glaring at her best friend. “Now I’m going to get another drink. Lord knows I need alcohol to get me through tonight.”

I couldn’t help but smirk as I watched her weave her way towards the bar, getting stopped every few seconds by somebody. She had only been in my life for the last month but everything felt right with her. From the first time we met at the meeting with Harley Davidson I knew there was something different about this girl and over the short time we had known each other we became a lot closer. The feeling of my shoulder getting heavy pulled me out of my thoughts, causing me to glance over my shoulder to be met with the stern face of Pierre.

“You better make sure you treat her right.” He said, not blinking once. “Because if you don’t then you will have me to answer to and trust me when it comes to my little nugget I won’t be afraid to hurt you.”

“I can assure you, I’m not planning on hurting her.” I smiled, I knew I needed to form a bond with Pierre with how close he and Valentina were. “That girl is a ray of fucking sunshine.”

“Good to hear,” Pierre nodded, moving his hand from my shoulder, lifting his beer up in the air. “Also don’t be doing all that lovey dovey crap in front of me.”

“You got it man.” I nodded, clinking my bear bottle against his.

I couldn’t help but feel the glare coming from Charles, he hadn’t said much since we arrived this evening and it was starting to grate on me. I could see the jealousy in his eyes, Valentina had told me about everything that had gone on between her and Charles including Becky. Which alone made my blood run cold the moment I heard that bitches name. I knew I should have told Valentina about my past but there was a part of me that didn’t want to open that can of worms again, not now, not ever.

But Charles had his moment and he had well and truly blew it with the beautiful girl that was taking the world by storm.

“You better treat her right.” Charles practically growled, not taking his eyes off Valentina. “And you better not be fucking playing with her or her feelings.”

“Excuse me?” I scoffed, turning to look at him with a puzzled look on my face. “You don’t even know me and you are talking to me like that. From where I am standing you better watch what you say just because you let the best thing to possibly ever happen to you slip through your fingers.”

I knew this wasn’t the best time or place to be having this conversation with the amount of eyes that would be on us but he started it, and I couldn’t help myself.

“How long have you even known Vali?”

“Long enough to know everything you did and how broken she was over it all.” I snapped, narrowing my eyes at him. “So I suggest you back off and let her move on with her life without being dragged down with a past relationship.”

If looks could kill I would probably have been buried six feet under right now.

“I don’t care how long you are in the picture but understand that I will do whatever it takes to make things right with Vali, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Yes I know just how royally I fucked up I walked away from the only women I have ever loved, the women that still holds the key to my heart.” Charles said, lowering his tone. I could hear the pain dripping off his every word, but it wasn’t my fault that he walked away from the beauty that was Valentina Hendrix. “And I don’t care how long it takes but I plan on righting all of my mistakes and winning her heart back.”

Valentina’s POV

Finally I had made it to the bar after being stopped for what felt like a million times, everyone congratulating me on my most recent win. I did appreciate it but right now I needed more alcohol to get me through this gala. I was never one for events like this but as always I showed up with a smile on my face and propped the bar up for most of the evening.

“Surprised you aren’t with everyone else.” A voice appeared from my side.

Turning to look over my shoulder I saw Lewis sliding onto the empty bar stool next to me, causing me to let out a small sigh of relief knowing that someone from the FIA could have taken the seat, boring me to death in the process.

“My spot is right here, propping up the bar.” I smirked, lifting my whiskey glass up at him. “I’m not a big fan of these events. In fact I fucking hate them and would rather sit through the most gruling press conference than be here.”

“Me neither, Kiddo. But unfortunately we have to be here, all I can say is thank goodness for the free bar.” He chuckled, clinking his glass against mine. “So I’ve gotta ask, when did you and the model guy start dating?”

“Funny story,” I laughed, swirling the amber liquid in the glass. “It only became a thing today, I asked him to be my plus one tonight, you know so I don’t look like a loser turning up on my own. And his condition was that he takes me out on a date after so it just kinda happened from there.”

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear you say that.” he smirked, causing me to roll my eyes.

“Lew, you know what I mean, there is so many double fucking standards in this industry, its fine for guys to attend events by themselves but the moment a female tries it all hell erupts and after the first time I am sure as hell not gonna let it happen again.” I nodded, taking a sip of the whiskey. “But we have become pretty close over the shoots we have done together, there is a strong connection between us so we are just going to see what happens.”

“Just don’t let him distract you from racing,” he smiled softly, nudging my arm with his elbow. “I’ve been there and it’s not pretty, you gotta keep your head in the game.”

I couldn’t help but smile, over the course of the races, Lewis had basically become one of the mentors, alongside Pierre, which I was truly grateful for. It was true what they said, the world of F1 was completely different to the W-Series.

“Don’t worry about that,” I grinned, looking up at him once again. “No matter what, I'm taking that WDC this year. Even if I have to walk through the fiery pits of hell.”

“This is the only time you will ever hear me saying this, so listen carefully.” he smirked, “but I want you to take home that title, the sport needs more females and I honestly think that you bringing home the title will bring more females into the sport.” He beamed, clinking his glass against mine. He quickly glanced over my shoulder, narrowing his eyes before speaking again. “But right now I think you need to go save Hudson because by the looks of it Leclerc looks like he is gonna snap any minute.”

Letting out a heavy sigh, I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Just what I fucking need.”

For the last week Charles had been trying to get in contact with me but I kept ghosting him, he was my past and I needed to focus on my future. The only time I spoke to him was in press conferences, and on the track where there were always cameras trying to get the latest gossip from the track and I wasn’t going to give them the fuel to start a fire over me and Charles.

Downing the rest of my whiskey, I slammed the glass down against the solid wood bar. Taking a breath I made eye contact with the bartender, silently ordering two bottles of beers.

“He still loves you, you know.” Lewis hummed, resting his hand over mine.

“Well, he fucked everything up and I’ve moved on so he needs to back the fuck off.”

Pushing myself off the barstool I took a deep breath, counting to ten trying to calm myself down because the last thing I needed was kicking off in the middle of a fancy gala and landing all over the gossip blogs and new articles.

Before I could get close to Hudson, Pierre stood in front of me, placing his hands on my shoulders.

“Je suis inquiet pour toi Nugget. I'm worried about you Nugget.” he said with a concerned look on his face. “Tu refuses de sortir avec quelqu'un depuis quatre ans et tout d'un coup tu te pointes avec Hudson et je sais que tu ne le connais que depuis un mois. You refuse to date anyone for four years and all of a sudden you show up with Hudson and I know you've only known him for a month.”

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at Pierre, I knew he was looking out for me but I was a big girl and knew how to protect myself and my heart.

“Tu n'as pas besoin de t'inquiéter pour moi. Je te promets. You don't have to worry about me. I promise you.” I smiled softly back at him, “I know this seems all too soon but I am done throwing pity parties for myself. It’s time I moved on and I can’t have the weight of a relationship from four years ago weigh me down. Now I need to defuse this situation before this becomes the hot news tomorrow.”

Stepping past him, I caught eye contact with Hudson feeling a smirk tugging at my lips. As soon as I got within touching distance of him he pulled me into his arms, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. Passing him the beer I linked my fingers in between his, guiding him through the crowd and away from what looked like a volatile Charles who was potentially close to exploding.

Thankfully the rest of the night went without a hitch, Charles had kept his distance which I was grateful for and a lot of alcohol had been consumed meaning I was struggling to stand on my own two feet without nearly toppling over. If it wasn’t for Hudson having a solid grip around my hips then I would have surely planted the ground.

Now we had the task of getting back to the hotel room with me absolutely bladdered and a drunk Hudson guiding me back to the car that would be taking us to the hotel.

I had gotten to the point where I was giggling over nothing, I found everything funny.

“Babygirl, you gotta help me a little here.” Hudson slurred as he pulled us both to a stop.

“Hey handsome.” I giggled, placing my palms on his chest, letting my fingers fiddle with his gold chain. “Wanna come back to my hotel room, I know I can show you a good time.”

The throaty laugh that escaped Hudson’s lips sent shivers down my spine, his eyes sparkled under the bright lights of the venue.

“As much as that sounds like an amazing time, we both know that we, well especially you, are far too drunk to do anything tonight.” He hummed, brushing his nose against mine. “Just like we both know as soon as we get back to the hotel room you are going to pass out face first on the bed, but more importantly the moment we step outside of those doors right there the press are going to have a field day with one of the best drivers of the season leaving the gala so drunk to the point she cannot walk.”

“Oh merde. Oh shit.”

“Oh shit indeed, sweetheart.” he hummed, pressing a kiss to the tip of my nose. “Now, take a deep breath and think sober thoughts.”

“Sober thoughts, got it.” I giggled, following his instructions.

Taking a few deep breaths I linked my fingers with his giving him the nod signally I was ready to go face the world of the hungry lions that were the press looking for their next juicy but of gossip.

@chibsytelford @dragon-of-winterfell @ohthemisssery @a-distantdreamer @sgkophie @stillbreathin @angywritesstuff @miamedyu @enchantedbytomandhenry @scribbuluswrites @dangerouspursepeachbear @micks-afterglow @livo67 @buendiabebeta @pleasedontfollowinlost @ferrarifwendvale @hungryhungarian @theplobnrgone @charlesleclercje @sunf1owerrq @queenslife @panicforspec @inesramoss30 @justme2042 @liv67 @sessgjarg @derpinathebrave @idkiwantchocolatee @littleobsessionsandlifeslessons @alynoa @clcspeonies @pleasantducktimetravel @organasith @inchidentwithmax @raaaaabzzz @teamspideyman @marvelousmendess @mehrmonga

[barzzal]

Be warned this is gonna be long i apologize in advance, but this is all just me giving a massive kudos to you and your work. I’m so happy to see this updated thank you for your hard work and talented writing.

*inhales*

*exhales*

After reading interlude ii for CMC and as usual I loved it to bits but also I AM SUDDENLY CONFLICTED? With BOTH SIDES????? The whole time I was like “Yeah Sidney take the fucking L” but now that we have the full detailed story of how it led up to that moment, suddenly the situation is so much more complicated. HE ACTUALLY WAS READY AT THE LAST MOMENT OH GOD HE WAS GOING TO DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING TO MAKE IT UP TO HER AND THE BABY HE WAS READY TO BE A PARTNER AND DAD-

And now my head is in my hands as I think: ‘Oh my god. Reader didn’t give him a chance to be a dad to Lucas for NEARLY SEVEN YEARS (even though she was justifiably pissed at him) AND HE THOUGHT HIS BABY WAS GONE’

And, please hear me out. The pregnancy and the actual birth of the baby are two different parts of the process. It’s different for everyone, but sometimes it takes a few weeks or months for the parents to feel a connection with their baby once they’re born; It’s actually quite common among parents. Same goes for the pregnancy term. It’s fucking scary, raising a child; You’re not just living your life for yourself, you’re living your life for the best interest of your child. And while there’s absolutely no excuse for Sid and his emotional distance/neglect (believe me when I say I still want to sock him in the face for his initial reaction), it does bring perspective at to why he reacted that way. Correct me if I’m wrong, but he was scared that his commitment to his career would end up hurting his kid, not being able to be there for them. Of course, dumbass man sucked at communicating that to Reader properly huh

But he did come back. He did return. He was ready to begin repenting. Lucas wasn’t even born yet and he was ready to do right by him and Reader both.

Suddenly I am now in full panic mode because once Lucas gets older enough to question why did his mom keep him away from his dad if both parents loved and wanted him from the start. And I know reader said in previous chapters that everything she did was for her son and his happiness and safety which is an absolute HELL YES THAT’S WHAT BEING A PARENT IS ABOUT, but did she ever consider the possibility that keeping them both hidden away from Sid would potentially hurt all of them more than it would help? Lucas never got to meet the other side of the family; Troy and Trina never got to be grandparents, Taylor never got to be an aunt. They weren’t able to see Lucas grow up, and I just know they would’ve loved him the moment they were told of his existence.

Am I allowed to feel angry at both Sid and Reader? I am so sorry I… just love this story so much, I’ve never felt so many emotions reading before. Please correct me if I’m wrong in any way.

first of all, ily oh gosh. i never expect a comment this long from anyone but omg thank you!! i appreciate you taking the time to lmk which part/s u like/impacted u most 🥺 not lying when i say i was smiling as i read it entirely it’s truly fulfilling to come across a reader as passionate as u so endless thanks my dear 🫶🏻

second, ALL FEELINGS ARE VALID! i honestly can’t wait for them to be happy why can’t they just sit together and talk things out it’s not that hard 😭 had enough of little lukey having to bear poor adult choices!!

to clarify tho, since i’ve been mia on here and on the updates, the series was supposed to be done in 2022 😫 so our timeline for cmc would be that it’s still 2021 going 2022 (refer to teaser #3).

for everyone to be on the same page, allow me to recapitulate:

april 2015

refer to teaser #1

sidney is 27 yrs. turning 28 yrs. in aug

reader is 26 yrs.

first month of summer, 2015

june: reader finds out she’s pregnant

july: miscarriage scare; sid and reader break up before kris’ wedding

post breakup, 2015-2016

sidney wins the cup, oct 2015 to june 2016

post breakup, 2016

january: luke is born on 6th of january (kind of like his dad’s bday 8.7.87 = 1.6.16)

post breakup, 2016-2017

sidney wins another cup, oct 2016 to april 2017

post breakup, 2019

reader moves back to pittsburgh; hides sid’s son

post break up, 2021 [we’ll go back to this timeline on ch. 6]

sidney is 33 yrs. going 34 yrs. (refer to teaser #2)

reader is 31 going 32

luke is 5 yrs. a few months older than geno’s son, nikita

minimum age requirement for sid’s little penguins hockey is 5 yrs.

luke enters hockey program, meets sidney; sidney meets luke and reader

timeline for ch. 6 until stated otherwise

ANYWAY, i’m so excited we’re now on the second half of the series!!! ✨and the plot thickens✨

[cemeterylaned]

all roads lead back to you

chapter one - therapy

The dizzying buzz of the doors being unlocked in cell block D of Marion Juvenile Detention Center. This was Wayne’s routine. Get up at 6 AM. Make your bed. 6:15. Out for breakfast at 6:30. Breakfast. Individual time. Lunch at 12. Therapy - sometimes, it was individual or it was group. Then group activities. Visit time - or individual time if no one came to visit you. Dinner at 6. Individual time. Bed at 8 PM. And this was Wayne’s day, each day, as it had been for the last 6 weeks. 

Wayne McCullough had a compound fracture in his right arm. He walked around with his arm in a sling, and his head down. And to Wayne? What a horrible thing to do. But being down an arm didn’t make him the invincible boy he was used to being. The cast would come off in another 2 to 4 weeks. Then he had physical therapy. And he knew his arm was gonna be really weak once it came out. The rest of the boys were okay - he stayed out of everyone’s way. He got shoulder checked on occasion, and godamn it hurt. He couldn’t do a damn thing about it. 

Each day was more arduous than the last.  

Get up at 6 AM. Make your bed. 6:15. Out for breakfast at 6:30. Breakfast. Individual time. Lunch at 12. Therapy. Group activities. Visit time, or individual time. Dinner at 6. Individual time. Bed at 8 PM. 

Every fucking day. 

⛓𓌹*♰*𓌺⛓

To say Wayne became passive would be a terrible mischaracterization of him, even with his shattered arm. Every other day, he found himself in the infirmary or in trouble for causing problems - inciting a fight, or swinging his fist despite his obvious disability to truly fight the way he knew how. Therapy was a drag as a group - he didn’t find any interest in truly listening to anyone. Stories about running away, robbing gas stations for the 98 dollars they had in their register, or beating up on some kid in school because they were scrawny - he didn’t understand how people could be such fucking assholes and this is where they were. He wasn’t sorry about all the fights he caused, or when he got his ass kicked in his sling. Someone had to show these people what life was about when they crossed Wayne’s path of destruction. He can’t say he didn’t try being passive, or try “being the bigger person” as his therapist described. 

“How are you feeling today, Wayne?” 

His eyes are settled, staring at a photo in the office of the juvenile hall’s counselor  - Terrence Brown. His counselor had dark skin, and eyes equally as dark, but warm and inviting. His hair was in long, textured locs with a fade running down his temples. He was clean cut - wearing a white polo, and khaki chinos. He had a few tattoos on his face, and some on his arms. In previous sessions, in attempts to make Wayne feel more comfortable, he told Wayne he had gone to prison. He served his time there and learned about psychology, and wanted to become a therapist for youth in the American juvenile justice system. He had been doing this for about five years now, and had a husband and two kids. His demeanor was kind, and he never raised his voice - even when Wayne heard his other fellow cellmates screaming in his office, Terrence never raised his voice. Wayne found it impressive, because he would want to break someone’s jaw so they could never utter another sound. 

“Fine.” His grey-green eyes peered forward at the man. He looks down at the blue cast on his arm. 

“I see you have more people signed your cast.” Terrence replies, and his eyes look down. They’re not signatures. They’re swear words. 

“Nobody’s signed my cast.” 

This is how their conversations went. They were short. Wayne went because he had to. Terrence kept trying because he swore to himself he would make a break in Wayne’s case. Not that he was going anywhere. 

“Did they tell you when you’d get it off?” 

“Dunno. Said it would be eh, another 6 weeks. Then I got some other healin’ stage or some shit.” He shrugs, looking down at his arm again. On the forearm portion of the cast, where no one could see it, he wrote Del’s name. The necklace was never not on his person. He wouldn’t go anywhere without it. Someone explained to him all the scientific details, about how the fracture had kinda healed, but the external callus - the new bone - was fragile, so it still needed to be protected. Then it needed to remodel, or whatever that means. 

“You’re getting close then. Dr. Trapper told me you got into a fight with Christian again. He said you really should be careful about getting into fights. I think you’d be pretty upset if you rebroke it again.” Terrence crosses his legs, and leans back in his seat. He half frowns. “I know how much it means to you that it heals properly.” 

Wayne tenses in his seat, sitting up and looks down at his white slip-on shoes. He doesn’t answer. 

“What have you been doing during your individual enrichment time?” Terrence wanted to bring up Del. He could tell.

“I been trying to read.” He answers, shrugging. Trying was the keyword. He wasn’t interested in reading. He read a little bit of a book that Del had when he rescued her from the hell of the high school she wasn’t even enrolled in. It hurt too much, and it didn’t hold his attention enough, truthfully, to continue. “Sittin’.” 

“Jesus said he did some weight training with you the other day.” Terrence acknowledged. Wayne didn’t do a lot. He was trying to encourage him. “How did that go?” 

“Fine.” It was okay. Jesus was his cellmate neighbor. He was friendly with Wayne. He was put into juvie for joyriding in his mom’s boyfriend’s Cadillac. They did do weight training. He didn’t find the importance in it enough to really remark it as an activity. 

“What else do you do?” 

“Nothin’.” 

“Are you participating in group activities?” 

Wayne looks up for a minute, before looking back down. Kind of.

“I think this week, they’re going to have someone come in and teach you guys how to do the paint pouring.” 

“We painted last week.” 

“Paint pouring is different. You lay the canvas flat, and you pour paints onto it - and it creates a pattern with the different colors. You hold it up, and the paint slides down and makes the pattern more intricate.” Wayne respected how well spoken Terrence was. He wasn’t disrespectful towards him, he was just indifferent to him as he was to everyone else that he had met. 

“Oh.” 

“Daniel said you don’t talk much in group therapy. Are you still finding it hard to get comfortable?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Why?” 

“I don’t wanna fuckin’ talk to those people.” 

Terrence admired that Wayne was straightforward, and blunt. He wasn’t completely disconnected from his setting. He had seen some of the crafts Wayne did, even though they came out terribly. His painting - opposed to the prompt, which was a snowy forest - was just a moon, and trees. No snow. Some stars. He still tried. He tried pottery. He just ended up making a really chunky bowl, and glazed it black. It was ugly - but he didn’t think Wayne ever tried pottery before. Having a broken arm really didn’t help either. He didn’t fault him for that. But he didn’t participate in group therapy. Anytime his coworker, Daniel, tried engaging him, Wayne told them to fuck off. 

“You have a panel hearing in another couple of months. What kind of feelings does that spark for you?” He was prodding again. 

“I dunno.” 

“You don’t know how you feel at the possibility of getting your sentence reduced?” 

“I don’t know that.” 

“What?” 

“If my sentence is getting reduced. They say I’m not doing what I’m supposed to.” 

“And what are you supposed to be doing?” 

Wayne looks at the pictures of Terrence’s family on the shelves behind him. He looked happy. His kids looked young. His hair was more grown out, and a proper fade in the picture. His husband’s skin was lighter than his. He thinks that maybe once he said his husband was mixed, because he was talking about celebrating Lunar New Year with his in-laws. 

“This shit.” 

“What’s ‘this shit’ entail?” 

“Fuckin’ therapy. Participatin’. Bein’ a good person, or whatever.” His thick Massachusetts accent shines when he stresses the word ‘whatever’. 

“So, you know what is part of your program plan to be able to work on in order to appeal to the little court panel. What’s stopping you from doing that? I know we have this conversation a lot.” By that, he means he has brought it up at some point in the session at least three or four times a week. 

“I don’t fuckin’ wanna do it. S’stupid.” Wayne leans back in his seat, looking down at the navy blue jumpsuit he was wearing. “But.” 

Oh, Terrence was making progress. 

“But?” 

“I know I gotta.” For her. He glances at the clock. He had another 35 minutes left. Christ. 

“Why?” Terrence is pushing it. Wayne feels his jaw tighten. 

“For her.” 

Del. 

The last time he saw her, his head was cloudy as was his vision, and one of her brothers was carrying her out of the smashed golden Trans Am. The echoes ring in his head, and subconsciously called out to her in the adrenaline crash he was experiencing. He peeled himself off of the leather seat and collapsed when he opened the car door. Bobby, Carl and Teddy threw him around as if he were a ragdoll. He reaches up and touches the scar on the side of his nostril where Bobby cut him with a knife. The time that passed while he laid on the hot, to cool asphalt with his arm by his side, and the other arm in front of him, clutching the thin golden chain with three letters in cursive on it. 

Del. His free hand tightens into a fist. 

“I know we talked about who her is, but you haven’t told me her name. It must be very painful for you to think about what happened. It sounds like she was really special to you.” 

“She is.” Wayne’s tone is curt as he answers. “Not was. Is.” 

Terrence purses his lip. He hopes his lack of an answer encourages Wayne to continue, but he doesn’t. “What’s her name?” 

“Del.” 

“Del. Is it short for something?” 

“It is. But I don’t call her that. Only her dad and brothers.” 

Terrence knew what happened, he had a copy of the police report and court disposition at his disposal. He only kept them for reference with his clients. He told Wayne that, and that he didn’t know what happened and he wanted to hear it from Wayne, and not people that were involved. Because no one else knew what was going on in his head. Only Wayne. And that it wasn’t fair to Wayne to make assumptions about why he was here, or what he was like. This brought little comfort to Wayne, nor did it change his thoughts about therapy. 

“So, her name is Del. Do we want to talk about what happened?” 

It was a long story. “No.” 

“Do you want to talk about Del?” 

Wayne wanted to. It was all he wanted to do. But he couldn’t, because it was fueling a fire that was going to be difficult to put out. He was trying to be passive. He tried to listen to Torrence. But it was becoming increasingly obvious to everyone, Torrence included, that Wayne McCullough was a hellfire that could burn forever. He wants to say no. His mouth betrays his thoughts. 

“Okay. Share as much, or as little as you want, Wayne. This is your hour.” 

She was all he could think about. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see her behind them. Her shoulder length brown hair, the way she pushes her bangs to the side of her face and her hair in a ponytail. She was pretty. He thought she was especially pretty with her hair down and when she slept. He thinks about back at the hotel. He had gotten up in the middle of the night to pee, but the moon crept through the curtains and shone on Del. He did eventually go pee, but he was lost in how peaceful and delicate she looked. The gold hoops in her ears, the way her necklace was so important to her. He spits out the brief monologue she recited to him when they first agreed to date. 

“She doesn’t like flowers. She doesn’t want a Valentine on Valentine’s day. She doesn’t like that romance shit.” 

His eyes sting. Wayne did not have the comfort, or luxury of crying, he thinks. The last time he shed tears was by accident, back at the pizza shop and he ate a handful of chili pepper flakes. He swallows. His spit feels like concrete down his throat. He looks up at the ceiling, away from Torrence. He can see in his peripheral vision that he leans in to listen to him. 

“She’s really pretty.” 

“I bet she is.” Torrence affirms. 

“She likes to read.” 

Silence, while Wayne is stuck with his thoughts. 

“What else does she like to do?” 

“I dunno.” He didn’t know her before the cookies incident, or outside of their road trip together. She liked to read. She went to a stranger’s funeral. She made her dad a drink while he was in the hospital. She was all he had now. “She’s smart. She’s gonna be mayor someday. She’s nice.” Torrence wasn’t complaining. This was as much as Wayne had talked about anything since being here, and his medication for his pain hadn’t been adjusted yet - so he was really, really loopy. He wanted to know her better when he came back. He connected the dots a few weeks ago, that when he was lost in thinking about her face, the glint on her necklace when she wrecked havoc in the gym during the blood drive. 

The way she looked with the crimson fluid splattered all over her face, soaked in her heather grey shirt while everyone screamed in absolute terror. 

He wondered if she thought about him as much as he did. 

“What does it look like to you, when you are released from your detention here?” 

Wayne wants to shrug, but remains motionless. He actually isn’t sure. His dad is gone, has been gone for some time now. So was his house. He didn’t really have anything. Nobody came to visit, or wrote to him. The only people who probably really knew where he was, were Sheriff Gellar and Jay. But, they hadn’t written. Well. Why would they? 

“I dunno.” 

“Can we talk about that, and tomorrow we can talk about what a plan might look like for you?” 

“Okay.” Wayne glances at the clock. 15 minutes left. 

“So, Wayne McCullough gets released.” Terrance shifts in his seat, clicking his pen to write. He never wrote notes. So, this must be important. “Who would you call to come get you?” 

“Nobody.” 

“Nobody?” 

“I dun’ have anyone’s number.” 

Terrence chews on the skin on the inside of his cheek. “I can look into getting you some bus passes, or a Greyhound ticket back home?” 

“Okay.” 

“Does that sound like something that might be helpful to you?” 

“Yeah.” Wayne had never ridden a bus like that before. Or one, at all. He mostly walked, or people had picked him up for rides. 

“Okay. So you get out, and we have your bus passes back to…Brockton, or the closest station there, right?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Okay. Closest station to Brockton. You…told me your dad passed away, and you burned your house down.” Terrence takes a minute to think to remember, but his voice passes no judgement. “And that your mom is still here, around Ocala. Why don’t you want to stay with her?” 

“I thought we were talking about what me gettin’ released looks like.” Wayne’s face grows stony, sharp. No more feelings stuff.

His counselor takes a minute to adjust himself. “You’re right. So, you go back to Massachusetts. Who are you going to stay with?” 

Wayne thinks. Even though Principal Cole came down with Orlando to come get him, he wouldn’t stay with him. Too weird. He didn’t know anyone else. And Orlando was like his best friend, kind of. He thinks he remembers Orlando saying something about his grandma having mad dementia, and she doesn’t really remember anything. Orlando just pays the bills and gets what he needs to. Wayne could stay there. 

“Orlando.” 

“Who’s Orlando?” 

“My friend.” 

“Okay, that’s good. You’d stay with Orlando. Then what? Go back to school?” 

“Get Del back.” 

“I think she would be very happy to see you, Wayne. Is there anything else?” 

“I dunno. Work.” 

“No school? You’re 17 now, right?” His birthday had passed since he was here. He didn’t get to know when Del’s birthday was. He couldn’t even celebrate

“Yeah.” 

“You’d be a junior this coming school year. That’s just in a few weeks now, huh?” 

“I don’t care about school.” 

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Each second passing. Wayne’s eyes trail the minute hand of the clock. 

“Would you go get your GED once you got settled, maybe?” 

“Maybe. Dunno.” 

4 minutes left. Wrap up. 

“Well, I think this is a good start, Wayne. When I see you tomorrow, we’ll talk more about the plan, or something else if you don’t feel up to it, okay?” 

Wayne was a sitting pile of dry, dry wood surrounded by dead grass. He had appeased the endless thoughts in his head by trying to distract himself with fights, weight training or attempting to read or paint. But nothing held his attention. Nothing like her. He was a sitting pile of lumber, and Terrence had poured gasoline all over him, and now had lit a match. 

“Okay.” And with that, he had tossed the match into the flame of Wayne McCullough’s fighting spirit. And a fire that burns as bright, and as much as his did, it would be impossible to put it out now. 

[siriuslysatorusimping]

I absolutely LOVE this series! And especially Rinko and just how 3 dimensional she feels as a character!

Her and Gojo's dynamic is just 🤌*chefs kiss*

And you do such a good job to keep Gojo in character! Every dialogue and decision he makes just feels so Gojo and I love how their personalities complement each other and clash sometimes as well because of their respective past and traumas

We love the healthy communication and boundary respect✨️✨️

But i wanted to ask what is everyones ages currently? Rinko and Gojo but also Megumi because his age has always confused me in canon from when exactly Gojo found him.

And also has Shoko ever opened up to Rinko about Geto? and maybe how Gojo distanced himself after as well?

Thank you SO MUCH 🥹🥹 I'm so glad you're enjoying it!! I love the characters and I find it so fun writing them together 😊

The comments and asks people send make my day, truly.

My full response, because I am a wordy bitch, will be under the cut!!

(A note after I have finished writing this response, I am SO SORRY for how long this post is... 🫠)

Read Another Level on AO3 :)

Rinko, Rinko/Gojo dynamic, Trauma

I think maybe I've mentioned it before, but Rinko has quickly become one of my favorite OCs I've ever written. She's strong, sassy, and so fun to write because of how much I've gotten to develop her character.

Her relationship with Gojo is fun because it's so antagonistic but also based so deeply on trust and mutual respect that their entire friendship and relationship would be impossible without. She knows he doesn't respect people hardly at all, but he's made it very clear, since after their very first fight, that he has respect for her.

They both have so much trauma. And they are both so messy. And it makes them so fun to write because it makes them so human.

Their dynamic is also perfect because of how they are with conflict:

Rinko will avoid conflict. She runs as fast as she can because if she runs before the conflict, she can't be rejected after the conflict. She will stand her ground when she has to (Last Stand, eh?) but she will run when she can. She's lived her entire life being told she was an unwanted mistake, dealing with rejection in so many ways. (But you can't reject her if she's already gone.) Remember in Hollow Echoes? When Gojo was actually trying to get her to talk to him and she was avoiding him? When she tells herself he doesn't want to see or talk to her even though he is insistently texting her? This bitch really trying to be a track star with how much she will run.

Gojo, on the other hand, will chase. He doesn't let her hide away. He respects her space when she needs it, just as he asks of her, but when he knows she's just running to run? He is relentless. He is a brute force kind of person. He is all 'pay attention to me because I'm the greatest and strongest and chosen one' and when he knows it's not violating her boundaries, he will push and push until she lets him in. But it's why he's so insistent on understanding where her boundaries are, so that he can tell when he's nearing a line.

As they grow together, she starts to become more comfortable with pushing him when she knows he needs it. She'll stand her ground with him more often and it's going to be beautiful. Because we'll see that he doesn't mind her pushing him when she asks first instead of assuming.

Gojo's character

BRUH 💀 I just really love blue-eyed, overly confident, cocksure fuckers, who are secretly so FUCKING SOFT, I guess. I actually have a different character in an original work of mine, who is similar to Gojo in SO MANY WAYS that it's scary. I think it might be what made me fall in love with Gojo so quickly when I first got into JJK.

But as for Gojo: His character is so multidimensional while seeming so damn shallow at the same time. And that is really fun to write. Because at the end of the day: the asshole is absolutely so fucking shallow and selfish. He cares about Rinko, but their entire dynamic started because he was a cocky shit who hated that someone beat him.

His initial attraction to Rinko started because he wanted to break her and prove he was stronger until he realized that she already knew and just didn't care. She denied him. And she read him like a fucking book by knowing it would drive him crazy. He knew she wanted him too, and it annoyed him that she turned him down just to get under his skin. And it annoyed him even more that it worked.

It blew him away when, even as she was literally in his lap, having just cum on his fingers right after he spanked her and she still looked him in the eye and stated she should have known he wouldn't be able to make her cum. And it drove him fucking crazy because he'd never, ever been pushed in so many ways.

His multidimensional ass is still based off his arrogance in being the strongest, and that makes him so fun.

✨Healthy Communication and Boundaries✨

That's it. That's this section.

JUST KIDDING.

Okay, but it's built and it works because of mutual trust and respect that is the foundation of it all.

It's displayed so perfectly in how well he reads her in the second part of Hollow Echoes:

“If you can’t speak,” he reached up, grasping her hand in his. “Squeeze my hand twice if your color is red.”

He knew she physically could speak, but that she didn't want to. She didn't want to admit allowed that he had her, and he knew that. And he understood that that was actually a boundary she was unintentionally setting, and he understood that forcing her to speak would be pushing her too far. So he gave her a different way to express her consent and then doubled down on ensuring she knew that she could tell him 'no' at any point and that it was okay.

She gripped his hand tightly, feeling her nails digging into his skin. But she didn’t squeeze again, and he looked up now, his eyes searching her face. She knew he could see how her jaw trembled as she refused to meet his eyes, tears still sliding down the sides of her face. “You know,” he said quietly. “At any point your color changes, you tell me?”

Had she squeezed his hand twice, he would have stopped without question and I just AHHH I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Healthy communication is my kink, guys.

Has Shoko ever opened up about Geto and Gojo growing distant?

Yes and no.

Shoko is a pretty private person. And we've already seen that Rinko doesn't like pushing people to open up. She knew that Shoko was relatively close with both of them, and she knows that it really upset her friend when Geto decided to go a different path and Gojo began distancing himself. But, in our world, it wasn't as jarring for her because she had Rinko.

Rinko and Shoko met early during first year. And Rinko's presence in her life meant she ended up spending less of her off time with Gojo and Geto, and more with Rinko. And when Geto left, and Gojo distanced himself, she just spent more time with Rinko instead of with either of them.

Rinko mentions that she and Shoko used to get lunch at least once a month, but saw each other more often after her semi-grade promotion, so essentially, if she wasn't with Gojo or Nanami while she was in Tokyo, she was with Shoko.

As a small spoiler, we will be getting a single chapter from Shoko's perspective in the future 😊 And it'll give a bit of a different perspective and view of Rinko and how well the two know each other.

Lastly for this, we also have to remember that Shoko doesn't really show emotions that often. She's pretty shrewd and straightforward, but we'll get to see her panic a few times because of Rinko over the course of the series.

Character Ages

Ah! I've been planning on posting something about this!! So I'll take this chance and then probably make a larger, separate post about it.

A quick answer: As of Innate Issues - Part 2, Rinko is 26.

Gojo Satoru was born on December 7, 1989.

Kurisaki Rinko was born on October 18, 1989.

Rinko is a little less than two months OLDER than Gojo. So he'll eventually make a joke about liking older women. I don't know when, but he's the kind of little shit that would.

Maki and Mai were born on January 20, 2002.

Megumi was born on December 22, 2002.

Gojo met Megumi not long after killing Toji, and had been visiting him occasionally for a few years when he met Rinko. In the flashback in Strength in Numbers, he had just made the connection between why Toji had ever cared about having Rinko's help, prompting him to bring Megumi up. Early-mid 2012, Megumi was nine and would turn ten that December.

Below, I've included our timeline up until where we are right now, broken down by Title, Rinko's Age, Year, and Month:

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AHHHH I'M SO SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG I HATE HOW WORDY I GET SOMETIMES 😭😭😭

[personthattoleratesme]

tell me what the video Basically, I’m Gay means to you?

My answer will discuss suicide and death of a family member, so trigger warning for that

I feel like this might be a little trauma dump-y but also you asked and I want to give a genuine and honest answer, perhaps it's not what you were expecting/hoping to hear but my relationship with BIG is very unique and I do want to share it, so click keep reading if you want to hear it.

On June 6th 2019 my 24 year old cousin passed away due to suicide. He meant a lot to me, he was the only member of my family who was openly part of the lgbt community. We grew up very close - almost as siblings - so his death hit me incredibly hard, to this day it's the worst thing I've ever been through.

The weeks surrounding his death - when he was still in the hospital, and then afterwards the funeral arrangements - were extremely awful for me. My teachers at school were entirely unsympathetic towards what I was going through, none of my friends or peers really understood the grief I was feeling, and I essentially had no support system to help me through this time period. I felt so alone in so many ways.

I must've gone to bed early on June 13th, as the funeral was going to take place the very next day. I remember being in bed when the notification appeared on my phone. Daniel Howell. Basically I'm Gay. 45 minutes long.

You can probably imagine that considering the emotional roller coaster I was already going through at the time, this very notification - and with that the video - made me feel emotions so bizarre and complex that they're only visible to shrimp. I do think the whole dead cousin thing made me unable to truly appreciate watching that masterpiece the first time, and I am sad that I'll never be able to experience it for the first time again in better circumstances. But it did provide me with an interesting core memory.

The contents of the video hit incredibly close to home at the time. I remember being sad that I couldn't show it to him. That it was just a few days too late. That maybe he needed to see someone who made it, another queer man who had been where he was and has now gone to live a happy an unapologetic queer life.

I was mourning the end of my cousin's queer story, but also feeling pride because I was witnessing the beginning of Dan's. It was confusing and upsetting. It was the proof that queer stories can have happy endings, but my cousin would never be able to get his.

I feel many emotions when I think of the release of BIG. But I do think I am genuinely happy that it was uploaded when it was. It fucked with my brain in many ways, but it also gave me hope. It gave me a much needed light when I was spiraling deep into a depression in real time. Without it I would've felt even more hopeless.

I am genuinely very thankful that Dan has proved to me that there's hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. He's definitely saved my life a few times. And look at me, almost 5 years later I'm still here. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry for my cousin, that he never got to find that light and have that happy ending. He deserved it just as much as Dan and myself. Which is why I'm living for the both of us now and holding onto any hope for dear life.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading all of this. I hope it wasn't too sad. I'm kind of glad I got to vent about this I won't lie. Sorry about the length of it.