#trying to avoid my anxiety about tomorrow lol

[flaming-toads]

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[dellalalakang]

triple n: RIP kang della

masterlist | main masterlist

— lhs, pjs, sjy, psh —

well.......

contains: fivesome. really rough (choking, slapping, etc.), DELLA HAS AN IUD!!, della getting absolutely manhandled, her hands gets restrained for a bit, BUT THEN THERE IS A BIT OF DOM!DELLA ACTION, double penetration (as in anal), tiiiiiny bit of breeding kink, kitten as a nickname kink, daddy kink (sorry guys lol ik i said i wouldn't but i can't help it), i also said that they're never goofy during sex but we have the 02z in one session y'all— it's bound to get a little silly, LONGEST FIC I'VE WRITTEN (7.3k WORDS), longest + most detailed + most insane smut i've ever written omg i dont think i will EVER top this

happy belated anniversary my darlings 🤍 happy two years to della and her men (and alice) ✨

AND HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO ENHA'S (5/8) LOSS IN NNN! this chapter takes place on midnight 2022/11/11 (so i kinda thought that was today bcs dumbo self messed up the dates so i'm one day late but it's all good)

hi guys! i missed you! i will try to reply to asks soon! i'm so sorry for disappearing again, life has been rough and moving too fast 😭 DID NOT PROOFREAD BECAUSE I AM EMBARRASSED

Kang Della is going to die tonight.

While not literally, she was definitely going to be reborn as a new woman.

"Lala, stop praying. You're not actually gonna die," Sunoo said, more interested in his phone than his overreacting girlfriend. "You're gonna have so much fun, and we have the day off tomorrow. It'll be great."

"Sunoo shut up and help me pray," Della herself was already dressed, cleaned up and ready to head out.

But certainly not ready to meet the hyuppas.

"Why are we even praying when you're going to be doing something so sinful?"

There were three possible outcomes from tonight; One, the hyuppas being so annoyed that they prefer to ignore her for a bit. Though that is just her anxiety talking.

Two, they would take turns with her for four days straight. Which also means that she would have a limp and some back pain for a week or so.

Or three, they would all have their way with her, at the same time.

And the last option seems to be the most likely.

❅◦❆◦❅◦❆◦❅◦❆◦❅◦❆

"Oh, hi! Oppa! Really funny seeing you here but Sunghoon-oppa asked for beer, so here—" Jake immediately pulled Della into his room before she could escape from what was coming.

"You're in massive trouble, young lady," the girl would've laughed if the situation wasn't as serious. Who actually says that sentence in real life? Sim Jaeyun, apparently.

"Oh, wow! All the hyuppas are here!" Della laughed nervously. "Seems like you guys are preparing to have a celebration together! Wouldn't want boring 'ole Della making things all boring!" 

The stern look on all four men made Della withdraw into herself. She avoided eye contact by playing with her nails, mentally preparing herself for the scolding.

"Kang Della, sit down," Heeseung ordered, gesturing the couch with his eyebrows.

"Ah.. I really need to my room though, Yunji-unnie's waiting for me," Della hopes that she could somehow avoid the earful, though it is looking very improbable. "So I'm just here to hand over the beer and—" she gasped when Jay slowly took her hands and held them behind her back like a criminal.

"Do you know how hard it was to wait for you?" he said in a low tone. "The only reason why we did this stupid challenge was because of you."

Jay's deep voice caused Della's skin to erupt in goosebumps. She bit her lip as her heart started pumping faster. She tried to look into his eyes but quickly adverted her gaze when she saw how handsome he looked with his expression. She could feel herself getting wet again.

"The fucking audacity you had to lose to someone who wasn't even a part of this bullshit of a challenge," Sunghoon walked over and held her face with both hands. He noticed a familiar scent within the proximity. "You've been fucking drinking too. You did a lot with Sunoo, huh?" 

She had forgotten about the alcohol in her system, now understanding why her brain seems so hazy. She barely drank anything, but she is a major lightweight. The drink Sunoo gave her, mixed with the lack of sexual attention (and undeniably, Sunoo's seduction) must be why she lost the game so easily.

"I wasn't thinking straight. I didn't plan it or anything. Honest!" she replied with puppy eyes. While the look stirred something inside Sunghoon, it certainly wasn't sympathy. 

"Even if you didn't plan it, you still did it, didn't you?" he asked in an eerily calm voice. "You can't really take it back now, can you?" he brushed her bangs back but kept his hold firm. "Even if it was silly little foreplay."

Everything Sunghoon did just made her core uncomfortably wet. She was embarrassed to clutch her legs tighter but her mind was just occupied with how stunning he looked and how hot his words were.

"No," Della whined, shamelessly staring at his lips. "I'm sorry, oppas."

"Do you know what's gonna happen now?" Sunghoon asked, staring at her lips as well.

"Am I getting punished?" Della bit her lip at the thought.

"You're gonna deal with us four, yeah? We've been stupidly waiting for over a week," Sunghoon caressed her cheeks before forcefully making her look at the two boys on the bed. "Look at them. We all deserve to be relieved from this challenge, hm?" he whispered in her ear.

"Nghh," Della whined at the sight of Jake and Heeseung. They were sitting on the joint bed with a can of beer in their hands. They were intently staring at the three of them, anticipating their next moves and patiently waiting for their turn. They knew that hard-dom Sunghoon would be the best at disciplining Della in bed, while romantic Jay would really show her just how serious they are.

"Do you think you can do that?" Sunghoon whispered again, causing Della to gulp and nod her head. "Use your words."

"I'm gonna deal with all four of you," she said timidly. She has never handled more than two people before, and now she's jumping straight to four.

But she is excited. Extremely excited.

"Good girl," Jay kept his hold with one hand, using the other to stroke her hair. "Your safe word today is red and yellow, okay? Regardless of Korean or English."

"Okay, oppa," Della closed her eyes at the gentle kiss Jay left on her hair. Suddenly all the nerves left and she's just left with pure anticipation.

"Good girl," although the words were identical to Jay's, Sunghoon's praise sounded rougher, more possessive. "Now come here."

Sunghoon connected his lips to hers hungrily while his hands moved to grope her bare breasts under her pyjama top. 

Jay let out a small smirk, his hands busily tying her wrists with the neck tie he prepared. His recently free hands then moved to unbutton her top, helping Sunghoon get easier access.

"You're not wearing a fucking bra. Sunoo must've enjoyed these babies, huh?" Jay said against her neck as his hands replaced Sunghoon's. The latter's opted to move down and roam his hands on Della's hourglass figure.

"Did he? Answer Jay," Sunghoon mumbled on her lips before shifting his kisses to her neck.

"No, he didn't," Della whimpered at the stimulation. Her legs were now almost crossed at how eager she is for some sort of sexual activity.

"Aish, that kid," Jay cursed, pulling away from Della to grab himself a beer. "Won 3N but didn't even fully enjoy it," he then pat Heeseung's shoulder and sat down beside Jake. "Tag. You're it."

Heeseung smirked, taking a big swig of his drink before making his way to Dehoon. With some liquid courage, he knew that they would all have a long, wild night ahead of them. They all definitely need a few cans because they desperately need this.

"You could've tagged me, y'know?" Jake pointed at his roommate.

"Shut up," Jay sipped his drink. "Just go over and join them– who's stopping you?"

"Nah, I'm actually enjoying the view," the younger laid back and rested his upper body weight on his forearm. The two watched as Sunghoon pulled away as soon as he noticed Heeseung.

"I told you to sit down, didn't I?" Heeseung practically mumbled, using his free hand to push her down onto the couch. "Why didn't you listen to me but obeyed Sunghoon and Jongseong?"

Della's mouth watered at the angle. If her instincts were correct, she was gonna suck someone off, most probably Heeseung. 

And she absolutely loves giving head.

Heeseung especially tends to let out these adorable sounds that are music to her ears. She knows that he will try to hold them back since they're not alone, but she is determined to have this gorgeous man let loose of his (almost) equally gorgeous noises.

"I'm sorry, oppa," the lower angle made Della's puppy eyes look even more cute. "I was just nervous."

"You know what those eyes do to me," Heeseung ran a thumb over her lip. "Should we forgive her, Sunghoon?" he sucked in a breath when she took his thumb into her mouth to suck gently.

"We'll see about that," a loud zipper sound filled the room as Sunghoon aggressively undid his pants. "Open up," and his cock was in front of Della's face in no time.

She did not need to be told twice. Her eyes instantly closed as her tongue swirled around the tip. She played around with it for a few seconds before pushing it all the way to the back of her throat.

"Fuckkk, I missed this," Sunghoon threw his head back. "So fucking good," he bit his lip harshly.

Upon the sight, Heeseung hurriedly lowered his sweatpants with one hand, but struggled to get his hard-on out from the tightness of his boxers. He eventually succeeded once Sunghoon helped by taking the beer out of his hands.

"Pay attention to hyung too," Sunghoon said and took a large gulp of the liquid. 

Della wasted no time in having Heeseung inside her mouth with her tongue swirling around the girth. She didn't care as her hair got everywhere.

"Thereee you go," Heeseung grunted, pushing the hair behind her shoulders and brushed her bangs back . "Ah fuck!" he bit his lip to try and contain his sounds.

"Ya– I meant divide your attention, not completely move on to him," Della gasped as Sunghoon pulled her hair so she could come back to him. "Back and forth, baby, you can do it."

It is definitely difficult. Della has never given head with her hands tied before, let alone with two dicks.

But if the boys know anything about their baby, they'll know that she is not a quitter; she will persist until she's absolutely certain she can't.

She bobbed her head two times on Sunghoon before switching back to Heeseung to repeat her movements, and doing the same to Sunghoon again. The perspective was so hot that Sunghoon's breath turned heavy and Heeseung's moans were audible again.

Jay and Jake, on the other hand, were getting a bit impatient because they could barely see anything. Sunghoon could almost sense it, and as he turned his head to look at his two best friends, he found Jake fiddling with his can while Jay tapped his hand in wait.

"Hyung, let's move to the bed," Sunghoon breathed out, pulling Della away from him and up from the sofa. Della whined at the loss but let herself be moved around like a doll. "Be fucking patient. You were willing to wait for a month, you can definitely handle a few seconds," Sunghoon slapped her lightly.

DellaTheMasochist only gave him an annoyed look with a bratty pout, making him slap her once more. 

"Oh you're gonna be a little brat, huh? I'll deal with you fucking later," he then carefully pushed her to Jay's arms, causing Della to smile in adoration. No matter how rough sex is with Sunghoon, he's still a huge softy.

"Well hello there," Jay caught her with one hand. "Were you being a bit bratty?" he asked while fixing her hair gently.

"No, never," Della shook her head innocently. Sunghoon grinned as he opened himself a can, sitting on the bed beside Heeseung. 

Her absolute brattiness only comes out to Sunghoon. She's an angel with Jay, putty with Jake, and a dominant with Heeseung.

"Of course not, you're our princess," Jay breathed down her neck and captured a nipple in his mouth. He blindly handed Jake his drink so he could use both hands to hug her waist. He spent a few minutes slowly enjoying her boobs, leaving hickeys all around the area. 

The three knew that Jay liked his intimacy, so they didn't interrupt.

He eventually laid her between himself and Jake, opting to just stroke her hair for now. Della was settling into a more comfortable position when Jay noticed that Jake's hands were now free from the cans he was holding. 

He gestured for the Aussie to begin, eliciting a grin from Jake before hovering above Della.

"Hi, baby," Jake whispered. His attractive face and accent left a small blush to her cheeks. "I missed you," he connected their lips together in a steamy kiss. 

The thing with Dake is that they don't always have a clear dominant in the bedroom. Most times it's Jake while others it's Della. What's crystal is that they are really passionate together. Practically straight out of an erotic movie.

"I'm still annoyed about Triple N but I miss you too much to fucking care right now," he ran his hands down from her sides, eventually tugging her shorts and panties down as far as he could. "Just wanna devour you."

He then proceeded to make his way down until he was off the bed with his face in between her legs. He completely got rid of her lower garments and took a deep breath, biting his lip before diving into her heat. One of his favourite things to do with her, and something that she desperately needed.

"Ah fuck!" Della threw her head back, pressing her thighs against his head. "Ahhh Jakey!" she whined. 

"Sensitive babyy," Jay cooed and held her face with his hand. "You almost gave this up for a month, you know?" he left small kisses all over her face.

"November's my birthday month, she ain't gonna give this up for the whole thirty," Jake pulled back slightly to comment. With his accent and slight mumbling, Jay could barely understand what he was saying. Della, however, understood perfectly.

"I told you that I would give you an exception, right?" Della's answer just connected the dots for Jay. Big mistake.

"You promised him an exception?" Jay halted his caresses to seriously ask. But Jake had resumed his mission, and Della is far too distracted to answer. "Fucking answer me– you gave him an exception?" he tightened his grip on her face.

"Y-yeah, for his birthday," Jay let out a scoff at her answer and humourlessly chuckled.

"I was gonna go easy on you and let these guys do their own thing," his voice turned rough, something he didn't think he would do tonight. "But you were gonna give Jake an exemption and that– pay attention," he slapped her lightly when she moaned to his face. 

"Sorry, oppa," Della whined, finding it difficult to concentrate when Jake's mouth was pleasuring her so well.

"It pisses me off," Jay whispered roughly. "Instead of just calling the challenge off, you were gonna make the three of us wait 'til the end," he smirked at how hard she was struggling to contain her sounds of pleasure. He let go of her roughly to sit up."Sorry man, I gotta take it from here," he pat Jake's shoulder. 

"Mmkay," Della moaned loudly when Jake gave out one last suck to her clit. "I call dibs on cleaning her off though," he smiled widely while licking his wet lips.

"Deal," Jay immediately flipped Della over onto her stomach. "Tsk tsk tsk, Lala..." he swiftly took his shorts and boxers off in one go. "Stay down," he firmly instructed as he removed her restrains.

The three boys couldn't stop the grin when they watched Jay unleash his beast. The Jay they've seen before was nowhere near as aggressive.

"Have fun, bro," Sunghoon hollered. "Have fun, princess," he toasted his beer at Della when she made eye contact.

"I'm gonna fuck you now, yeah?" Jay whispered in her ear. He noticed the goosebumps that rose on her back as he was lifting her hips and parting her legs. "Hold on tight," he warned, handing her a pillow.

He bit the bottom of his sleeveless shirt just so he could get a clearer look of his shaft rubbing against her folds. 

"Aghh," both Della and Jay groaned when his full length entered her. "Fuckk!" after ten days, he knew he had to let Della adjust a little. Yet he also knew that she didn't need long based on how wet she is and how Sunoo had prepped her.

So not long after, he pulled back and thrusted into her. Hard.

"Ngghhh!" Della squeezed her eyes shut while tightly hugging the pillow. "Oppaaa!" she moaned loudly.

"God! I fucking missed this!" Jay grumbled out. The cloth was no longer in his mouth and he had his head thrown back. "Fuck!"

He kept his hands on her hips as he pounded into her. Slow, but powerful thrusts.

"Ahhh! Oppaaaa!" Della continued to moan loudly. "Oh my God!" she realised how noisy she was being, so she began to muffle her sounds into the pillow.

"Oh no you don't," Jay grunted. Instead of taking the pillow away from her, he decided to flip her onto her back. Essentially switching to the missionary position. "Oh hi there, sweetie," he smirked at her, leaning down to place a kiss on her lips. "Hold on," he forcefully placed her hands on his shoulders before resuming his thrusts.

"Shit!" Della gasped, struggling to maintain eye contact with Jay as he continued to fuck her in the same manner. "Jay-oppaaa!" she practically screamed. Her nails starting holding on for dear life, scratching the skin of his biceps and her mouth was stuck open with nonstop moans.

The three other boys were turned on as hell.

Jake kept adjusting the bulge in his pants while Sunghoon and Heeseung had to constantly shift in their seats.

Waiting was especially hard for Heeseung as he barely got to touch Della in ten days. So he downed two cans and working on his third in no time, making him slightly tipsy and extremely impatient. 

And the sight of her mouth opening just reminded him of something.

"That's it," he crawled across to Jella's side of the bed. "Sunghoon said we were moving to the bed, so you're not done sucking me off," he sat on his knees beside Della's. "Sorry, Jongseong-ah," he breathed out and helped guide Della's mouth to his length.

"By all means, hyung," Jay pulled away and halted his movement to let Della find a comfortable position. "You better do your best. We know you can do it, baby," he whispered to Della, taking off his shirt as he waited.

"Shittt!" Heeseung moaned practically straight after Della's mouth wrapped around him. "There you go, baby– just like that," he assisted by thrusting so that all she had to do was just suck around him and pump what she can't.

"I'll start moving again," Jay began thrusting as soon as he alerted Heela. "Aghh," he grunted, furrowing his eyebrows together. The view of Della sucking someone off in front of him just made him want to fuck her even harder.

He needs to hear her moans even if they were muffled.

"Ahh! Lala!" Heeseung whined when Della kept moaning around him. "Just like that! Sooo good! Nghh!"

Since his mind was foggy from the alcohol, he didn't even bother to hold back on his moans. Even when they start to get a little too subby.

Meanwhile, Sunghoon and Jake wanted to join in so badly, but fear that they would overwhelm their baby. Though they can't just sit there and do nothing.

So they decided to devise a plan for when their turn comes.

"Have you... ever done anal?" Sunghoon awkwardly asked Jake after covering his dick with a pillow. "Like do it from the butt?"

"Me or Della?" Jake's question made the ice prince slap his arm.

"Della, of course," Sunghoon scolded.

"Ack! No– I just gotta make sure I understood what you meant," Jake explained. "No, we haven't."

"I have and I brought condoms and lube," Sunghoon pointed at his luggage. "So here's the thing... Della has been quite curious to try like.. two people.. like.." Sunghoon tried to find the words to explain it in a way that Jake would understand, knowing that the guy mostly knows English sexual terms.

"Like at the same time? Double?" Jake asked while bringing his hands up for gesture.

"Uh, double," Sunghoon nodded, instantly feeling awkward again. "Do you... wanna try it with me? It's her first time and maybe you can do the... back because you've never tried it before."

Jake was quick to make up his mind, all thanks to the two beers he had downed.

"Let's do it," he raised his hand to dap Sunghoon up. "Jellahoon, am I right?"

"Of course," Sunghoon grinned.

"Fuck! I can't cum already!" Heeseung grit his teeth and slowed down his hips. "Lalaaa," he whined.

It was then when Della finally pulled away from the blowjob. She looked into his eyes whilst her hand kept pumping his shaft.

"Heeseung, babyy. What did I tell you about holding back?" she forced herself to restrain her moans just so she could remind him who's in charge.

Fortunately, Jay, who was finding the exchange amusing (also wanting Della all to himself during his orgasm), had slowed down his thrusts to help her focus.

"To never do that because only bad boys hold back," Heeseung's rational thoughts went straight out the window. He was fully going to show his dongsaengs that Lee Heeseung is a sub. A major one. "But I'm not even inside you yet!"

"Come here, baby," Della got up from her position. "I'll be back," she placed a quick kiss on Jay's lips. 

"Go ahead," Jay was so intrigued at his hyung and girlfriend's new side that he didn't care about his delayed orgasm— as long as he gets it straight after Heeseung reaches his.

"Poor babyy," Della cooed at Heeseung, brushing his hair back. "Why don't you sit comfortably and let Lala do the work?"

The 02z watched in amazement as they discover how their hyung is actually like in bed. They watched him obey Della's instructions like clockwork, as if he's done this a million times.

He rested his back against the pillows with his legs ajar. His large bambi eyes were stuck on Della the whole time, looking absolutely lovestruck.

"Take off your shirt," Della pointed lazily, getting on top of his lap. "You're a good boy, right?" she connected their foreheads together and aligned him to her entrance. 

All Heeseung could do was nod enthusiastically.

"Then don't hold back," Della whispered before sliding down on his length. 

"Ahh!" both Heeseung and Della let out high-pitched moans. As Della bounced up and down, Heeseung's hands automatically went to wrap around her waist.

"Sh-shit!" Heeseung hugged her tighter while squeezing his eyes shut. Because he was already close earlier, it took no time for him to reach that point again. "Lalaaa!"

"Feel so good, Heeseung– ahhh!" when it comes to Heeseung, Della (most of the time) tries to compose herself. She's taking care of him after all.

"Shit– is that what it looks like when Della rides you?" Sunghoon asked under his breath. "That's fucking hot."

His hand then tried to secretly stimulate himself, making sure that neither Jake or Jay could notice. Jay, on the other hand, was openly pumping himself, not caring that his best friends could be looking.

"Damn, you're pretty big, bro," Jake suddenly blurted out at Jay. "Nice one."

"Thanks, I guess," Jay chuckled and kept moving his hand, not feeling awkward in the slightest.

"Why were you looking at his dick?" Sunghoon snickered, but that brought Jake's attention to him and that's when the latter noticed his sneaky hand.

"Why are you secretly jacking off? Just do it like Jay, no balls!" Jake slapped his calf. "We're literally in the middle of a fivesun—"

"Fivesome," Jay corrected him.

"Fivesome!"

"Ew, no! I feel so exposed! Like I'll be jerking off in front of you!" Sunghoon completely removed his hand from his dick. "And it's easy for you to say! You're still fully clothed!"

"It's not like we've never seen you naked bef–"

"02z, if you're not gonna suck each other off then shut the fuck up," Della interrupted their bickering while making eye contact. "Your hyung's trying to cum in peace."

"Yes ma'am," "Sorry," "Sorry," they all apologised quietly, hoping that no one notices their erection hardening even more. They hate admitting their thirst for Della's dominance. 

Or to be accurate; They love her dominance, yet hate admitting their desire to be like Heeseung.

But it's not like the 02z have never been docile to DommeDella. 

"Sunghoon, don't be fucking weird or I'll repeat last month's occurrences," Della's threat immediately made Sunghoon's skin erupt in goosebumps. He just hopes that she won't elaborate and reveal to his friends what exactly happened.

Thankfully, she didn't.

"Are you okay, baby?" Della went back and cooed to Heeseung, keeping her pace steady as she cradled his head.

"I'm gonna cuuuum," he sobbed. "Fuck! Lalaaa!"

"There you go. Don't hold back, Heeseung baby," Della mustered up all the energy she had to quicken her pace.

"Ahhhh! Lalaaa!" Heeseung used his tight hold to assist her bounces before ultimately letting out a loud gasp as he released spurts and spurts of warm cum. "Oh my God, babyy," he sighed and relaxed his shoulders.

"Good boyy," Della halted her thrusts, caressing his hair lovingly. "Filling me up soo good," she placed tiny kisses on his head. "I love you, baby."

"I love you too, Lala," Heeseung breathed out. "Thank you," he pulled himself away to connect their lips.

They were stuck in a slow make-out session for a while before Jay grew impatient and pulled Della away from the older. 

"You didn't forget about me, did you?" Jay grumbled in her ear. "I gave you time to fuck hyung but now you forgot about us?" he lifted her up like she weighed nothing and placed her front facing down.

"You're being rude, Jay. Your hyung needed to—" Della cut herself off with a gasp when Jay landed a firm spank on her ass.

"You're not in control no more," he said in a low voice, lifting her waist up slightly. "Where are your manners?"

"I'm sorry, oppa," Della whimpered when he spread her pussy lips. She could feel Heeseung's cum slowly pouring out of her. As always, he came a lot.

"Shitt– hyung," Jay called for Heeseung to see. The latter had pretty much sobered up from earlier and is back to his usual self.

And at least for now, he still had not realised what he had done in front of his dongsaengs. 

"Keep it in, baby," Heeseung took two of his fingers and pushed the cum back inside her, causing Della to gasp. "Add onto it, Jongseong," he patted Jay's bare shoulder with his clean hand before heading towards the bathroom.

"My pleasure," Jay whispered. He wrapped his arms around Della's body and instantly pushed himself inside her once again. "Fuckkk, Della."

"Yess! Oppaa!" Della squeezed her eyes shut, letting out babbles of words that barely made any sense. She could feel Heeseung's cum slowly absorbing inside her as Jay fucked it deeper. The sounds of the moisture only turning on everyone in the room more.

"Fuck! You're gonna cum soon, aren't ya?" Jay's hard-but-slow pace tried to quicken when he felt Della tightening around him. "Just a little more, baby– Oppa's almost there, wait for me," he left kisses on the side of her face as he tried to concentrate on cumming together with his girl.

Fortunately for him, Della knows exactly what to do in this situation.

"Fill me up good, oppa. Make me feel so full," Jay had never verbally admitted it to her, but she knows that he has a breeding kink. "Stuff me full of—"

"FUUUUCK, I'm cumming!" Jay's left hand frantically went to search for Della's. "C'mere baby," while his right hand went to bring her face to his. 

They connected their lips together, essentially muffling their moans (and screams). Della used her free hand to hold onto his head, making the scene look even more sweet.

"I love you, Della," Jay mumbled against her lips.

"I love you, Jay," Della whined at the feeling of her own orgasm mixed with Jay's (and Heeseung's). "So, so much."

"So, so much," Jay left a final kiss on her forehead before getting off of her back. His eyes immediately went to her cum-filled entrance. "Good girl, keep it in," he grunted, his eyebrows furrowing at the sight of barely any cum leaking out. 

He chuckled when Della wiggled her ass for fun. "How cute," he slapped her ass and stood up. "Agh fuck, you really milked me dry."

"Come on, it hasn't been THAT long, guys," Della rolled her eyes. "We didn't even last the whole month."

Just as she finished talking, a harsher slap was placed on her ass.

"You fuck four men on a daily basis– you still think you could've handled it?" Sunghoon asked, flipping Della onto her back. "Do I also need to remind that you were the one who gave in first? YOU?" he grabbed onto her leg to pull her closer to the edge of the bed and closer to him. "Don't make me teach you a lesson."

"Go easy on her, Sunghoon-ah. She's about to receive a handful with you and Jaeyun," Heeseung reminded. He grabbed Jay's and his cans of beer before joining Jay on the bed. The two were now dressed in their boxers.

"Yeah, just shut up and let's do our shit," Jake impatiently took off his pants but kept his shirt on, only removing his zip-up. "You've done anal, baby?" Della nodded her head in enthusiasm. "Yeah? And you like it?"

"Mhmm! Are we doing what I think we're doing?" Jake chuckled at her excitement. 

"You're adorable. Isn't it gonna hurt, baby?" the tips of Jake's fingers began grazing Della's thigh.

"I wanna be closer to my men," Della gave out a seductive look to both Jake and Sunghoon, making sure to use Korean so Sunghoon would understand.

"How cute," Sunghoon mumbled. "Don't forget your safe words," he ran a hand through Della's hair before laying down on the bed, legs still seated on the edge.

"Is she getting on top of you or me?" Jake asked his partner. "Isn't it more comfortable with you on top?"

"I mean... It's easier for me to thrust but it's more comfortable for her to hug me, no?" Sunghoon explained. "Won't it be unstable if she lays on her back?"

"No– Della should be on her stomach, on her back is difficult, I think," Heeseung pointed at the three.

"Are you doing double?" Jay's eyes widened when he realised what they were discussing. 

"Uh," Jakehoon replied briefly.

"Then Della should be on her stomach and the one who does the back thrusts from behi– on top," Jay gave his take.

"No– the reason why I say she should be on her back is because she needs to be distracted from the pain and Sunghoon would be able to thrust and properly do that," Jake tried to explain his take. "Otherwise his movements are limite—"

Their discussion was cut off by a loud groan from Della, followed by the girl hovering over Sunghoon chest-to-chest.

"Stop taking so fucking long and just fuck me," she wasted no more time and slipped Sunghoon's cock into her entrance.

"Oh my God!" "Oh fuck!" the two hissed at the sudden feeling. 

"Fucking finally!" Sunghoon threw his head back. "Come here, kitten," he repositioned Della a little so he could move more comfortably. 

Thanks to his long legs, all he needed to do so was to hold her in place.

"So fucking tight," he said with gritted teeth. He was never one to make a lot of noises in bed, but with his buddies around, he's determined to look cool. He was gonna try to contain his facial expressions, which is something he never holds back on.

Yet his plan went straight out the window when Della adorably cuddled into his chest. 

"Oppaaa," she whined.

"Aww, kitten– my princess," he cooed, bringing one of his hands to hug her close. "Does that feel good, kitten?"

Della could only mew louder and nuzzle her head more, making all four boys coo at the sight.

"This seems enough for you, baby. Do you really need more?" Jake went up to her face to tease while his lubed finger equally teased her back entrance.

Della looked into his eyes and said the one name that the two have kept a secret for a long time. 

"Please, daddy?" 

Jake halted for a second, taken aback at the sudden change of mind. He was not one to be shy about his kink, but Della was a bit apprehensive that the members just won't understand.

But weirdly enough, none of the boys reacted, as if they already knew of the fact.

"Sunghoon, stop moving for a second," Jake went back to his position and squeezed more lube onto Della's hole. "Stay relaxed, darling," he warned Della before pushing a finger in.

"Mmm," she closed her eyes and pursed her lips.

"I'm right here, princess," Sunghoon whispered in her ear. "Relax some more," and immediately continued his movements.

"There ya go, good girl," Jake muttered, slowly twisting and pumping his finger. When Della was almost fully relaxed and resumed her previous moaning, Jake gradually added another finger in and followed by another once she adjusted to that as well. "Such a good girl."

"Ahh! I'm gonna cum!" Della announced, pushing her upper body up to catch a glimpse of what Jake's doing. "Fuck!" her eyes rolled back as she turned back to Sunghoon. "Oh my Goodness!" her moans only got louder when she looked at Sunghoon's facial expressions.

As always, his eyebrows were furrowed the whole time while he switched between biting/licking his lips, having his mouth open or gritting his teeth. He had completely forgotten about his initial plan of restraining himself.  

"Go cum, darling," he choked out, giving his last few hard thrusts after Della threw her head back and cried out. 

He almost let out a sigh of relief. If Della waited just a few seconds longer, he too would've been calling to cum and he did not want that just yet.

"Relax a bit, kitten," neither Sunghoon nor Jake pulled out, but they wanted to give Della time to catch her breath.

"What a good girl," Jay noticed Jake ripping open the condom wrapper and immediately sprung to action. "Taking four men so well," he continued to drop praises while caressing her hair.

"If it gets too much, please let us know and Jake can jerk off for the night or something," Heeseung also joined in with a joke.

"Hyung!" Jake whined. He somehow successfully got the condom on with just one hand, and is now lathering his length with the lube.

"Byee daddy" Jay added fuel to the fire by grinning and waving at him. 

"Shut the fuck up, Jay, I complimented you earlier," Jake sent a glare at his friend.

"The tension is insane. Now kiss," Della lifted her head to comment.

No matter how many times she has teased them, they have never expressed or voiced their discomfort, which she knows they aren't afraid to do. In Della's mind, this would imply that the possibility of it happening is not zero.

"Aish Lalaa!" "Eyy!" "Babe!" "Aghh" the four boys complained, with Jake adding an additional smack to her ass.

"You think his dick is big, right? You have my permission and sucking ONE dick does not make you ga—" 

"Okay, that's enough," Sunghoon spoke up and gave her one hard thrust. "Jake and I still need to cum, princess. Stop the yapping."

"I'm sorry, oppa," Della whimpered, bringing her head down to rest on Sunghoon's chest again.

"I'm only letting you off since you've been so good to us, understand? Don't test my patience," he said in a low voice, his hips starting to move in a steady pace once again.

"Understood," Della let out a high-pitched moan at the stimulus but was cut off with her own gasp as Jake pulled his fingers out.

"I'm putting it in," Jake breathed out. He squeezed some more lube on Della's rim before slowly entering. "FUCK!"

"Mmh!" Della had her eyes squeezed shut, trying to adjust to his size (especially with Sunghoon in her other hole).

"Our strong baby," "Such a good girl," Jay and Heeseung showered her in praises, using their hands to caress her arm and back while Sunghoon does so with her hair.

"Fuck– so fucking tight," Jake threw his head back when he was fully inside her. "Hang in there, baby, good job," he smoothed his hand over her ass.

"Yellow?" Heeseung asked about the safe word, just in case.

"Green," she quickly answered. "Can you move slowly, oppa?" her head shifted to make eye contact with Sunghoon.

"Of course, darling," he placed a kiss on her hair before slowly pumping her. "Shit, kitten," he squeezed his eyes shut and threw his head back.

Because of Jake, she felt tighter than usual but was still wet as ever. He knew he couldn't last long, especially after nearly cumming earlier.

"Jaeyun, please move," Della breathed out, starting to feel pleasure again.

Both Jake and Della let out a loud gasp at the sensation. The pace began to quicken in no time, making the scene look like it came straight out of an incognito site. 

"Oh my– fuuuuuuck!" Della moaned loudly, feeling fuller than she's ever felt. "Oppaaa! Daddyyyy!" little tears began pooling in the corner of her eyes. "Aaaaaaahhh!"

"So good, baby. Taking both of us so well," Jake leaned forward to mumble in her ear. "Shittt, so tight baby," his face held a large smile and left temporary hickies around her neck and shoulders. "My good girl."

There's no doubt that the back end is tighter, but Jake's favourite was really the sight of having two of her holes stuffed, and the fact that him and Sunghoon were the first ones to do that.

The three were so into each other that they didn't notice Heeseung getting up to retrieve Sunghoon's old, red iPhone. He knew that they would want the scene to be recorded— for their eyes only, of course.

"I'm recording," Heeseung announced before pressing record. They all turned to Heeseung for a second and resumed like nothing happened.

"Come here, kitten," Sunghoon grunted, pulling Della's face in for a kiss. She moaned into his mouth when she felt her two best friends quicken their pace. 

She noticed Jake tugging at her hair, so she broke the kiss off to then connect her lips with his, bringing a hand back to hold his head in place.

Jay, who did not want to just lay there beside them, started playing with Della's tits while palming himself. He personally doesn't need more, but he did not want the video to appear awkward. 

"You guys really look so fucking hot," Heeseung commented. He turned off the recording and went back to his original spot. "I wanna kiss, baby," his head got closer so Della could easily kiss him.

"FUCK! I'm cumming!" Della pulled away to scream out. Her eyes were closed shut and her open mouth spewed out loud whines after whine.

"Yesss, kitten," "Me too, baby, me too," Sunghoon threw his head back while Jake buried his face in her neck. It did not take the three long at all to reach their orgasm.

"Jay-oppaa," Della managed to let out, weakly stretching an arm out so he could come closer. "I haven't kissed you."

Jay felt his heart swell in adoration and he swiftly did as told without hesitation.

"Fuckk! Aaaahhh!" Della pulled away but kept their foreheads together and squeezed Heeseung's hand.

They looked absolutely ridiculous being in one big huddle (and it was certainly not the most comfortable), yet that was the moment when the five of them were just connected. It's what they needed and exactly what they hoped for tonight.

"I'm cumming, baby," Jake's voice was shaky, and his thrusts started faltering first. "Shit! Good girl, baby. Good girl, good girl!"

"Shit! Shit!" both Jake and Della came around the same time. The former usually takes his time to ride out his high but he almost instantly pulled out so Sunghoon could finish properly.

Sunghoon looked at him in thanks, immediately adjusting his position and hurriedly chased his orgasm. Della started shaking and screaming with overstimulation, letting go of Heejay to hold on tightly to Sunghoon.

"Shit! Ahh baby, almost ther– NOW KITTEN. NOW, now, now!" Sunghoon babbled a bit as his orgasm overtook his body. "Shit," he sighed and relaxed his body, still holding onto Della tightly. "You're amazing, princess. I love you," he chuckled breathily.

"I love you, my prince," Della breathed out with a smile.

The two shared a sweet kiss before Sunghoon pulled away and shifted Della over to Jake, who was now lying beside him.

"What a good girl.You're an absolute champ and you're incredible," Jake couldn't help but chuckle. "We're so fucking lucky, baby. I love you so much," he then connected their lips in a passionate kiss.

"I'M so lucky to have you guys and I just love you sooo much," once they pulled away, Della's head instantly went to rest on Jake's chest. "Let's clean up before we get too tired."

"Oh no you don't," Jake shifted their position so Della would lay on her back. He got on top of her with a mischievous grin on his face. 

"I called dibs on cleaning you off, remember?"

Eventually everyone washed up and got ready for bed. They decided to all sleep together on the makeshift king-sized bed with Della in the centre. They were cuddled closely, but it didn't really matter anymore to them.

"Guys, we're actually really cute," Heeseung giggled. "I fucking love this relationship."

"Just a bunch of bros with our girl" Jake sighed. He held Della tighter to his chest and shut his eyes, ready to sleep.

"For a second there, I thought you were gonna call me a hoe," Della giggled, looking up at him. 

"I'm never gonna call you a hoe, babe! I'm not Sunghoon!" Jake's reply made Sunghoon smack his shoulder.

"I will never call her that!" Sunghoon looked at him with betrayal. "I don't even know what that means but I know it's bad!"

"You call her names in bed, we all know it!" Jake protested back.

"Ya– rarely ever, right princess? Only on certain times and we both have no issues with it," Della nodded at Sunghoon's defence. "See?! Don't kinkshame me, daddy."

"YAA!" Jake shaking Sunghoon's leg off of his own. 

"Today's session just revealed everyone's kinks," Jay laughed. "Sunghoon likes to call Della 'kitten', Jake likes to be called 'daddy', Della apparently likes anal," he stopped himself for saying Heeseung's out of respect.

"Pffftt, okay mister kinky. Didn't know you could go hard like that," Sunghoon grinned. "I thought you just liked vanilla but you were slapping Lala and everything."

"Why do you like to get slapped?" Jay ignored Sunghoon and asked the girl he was semi-holding.

"I don't know! Sometimes I just like things!" Della shrugged defensively. "I like a whole bunch of things!"

"Yeah and your boyfriends all like different things too," Sunghoon chuckled. "You're absolutely perfect for us."

"Awww," Della grinned but got shy and hid her face in Jake's chest. "I'm sorry for making you all join No Nut November. This was really dumb and I'm also really sorry for losing to someone who didn't even join."

"Don't worry about that, darling. It's all forgiven and practically forgo—" Jay's words were cut off by the boom of Heeseung's voice beside him.

"WAIT!" Heeseung shot up straight in realisation. Della and Jake both jumped in surprise while Sunghoon and Jay flinched. Heeseung looked back at them with horror in his eyes.

There was a reason why he was quiet the whole time. It's because it just hit him how;

"YOU GUYS FUCKING SAW ME IN MY WEAK STATE!"

i gotta be honest, i hate to be that person but i was feeling really insecure about my writing tbh. like the first draft was not hot AT ALL and i wanted this long awaited/overdue smut to make you guys all hot and bothered y'know? i think it's much better now and i'm feeling both proud and insecure but i hope you enjoyed it and happy anniversary! taglist: @duolingofanaccount @lalalalawon @clar-iii @deafeningballoonpeach

[mysaintkitten]

Dolled Up | Kitten Braden x fem!reader

prompt: kitten does your makeup .. kind of (NSFW, no minors)(this was based off a suggestion that was sent to me !! i just had to hop on it i love any opportunity i get to write my horny thoughts about my wife)

WARNINGS: platonic relationship/hidden feelings, unprotected sex (p in v), overall pretty soft sex Lol, creampie

word count: 2.8k

also i just love this gif of kitten. it’s very similar to the other one i used, but she looks too cute.

“kitten, i can’t do it, i have no idea what i’m doing.” you whinged, looking at your self vehemently in kittens vanity mirror. you begin to tuck away your makeup palettes before aggressively grabbing wipe from your bag to clean off the mess you had just applied to your face. the two of you had plans to head out tonight, but judging by your now third failed attempt at doing decent makeup, you felt like maybe staying in was the better option for you.

kitten steps out from the bathroom, all dressed up. she’s dressed rather tame, she’s in high waisted emerald green pants and a black jacket, the simple pieces complimented her figure so well. her outfit wasn’t what stood out though, it was her face. her own makeup looked flawless, her having a gorgeous face underneath that makeup probably aided in it, though. you stare at her through the mirror, watching her body approach you. once behind you, she makes eye contact with you through the mirror.

“oh, angel.” she says in that sweet little voice of hers, “don’t get so defeated.” she begins to walk over to your side, kneeling down slightly so she’s at eye-level with you. “i’ll do your makeup tonight, then tomorrow i’ll teach you some things, sound good?” she adds, a small grin appearing across her lips. god. her lips. you think to yourself.

you and kitten had been friends since the end of grade school, you knew her before she was kitten. but within time, and you by her side, you watched her blossom into a beautiful woman. a woman who you’ve now found yourself deeply attracted to. it’s bittersweet, kitten is every sweet thing under the sun, all wrapped into one singular person, but you doubted kitten would ever view you in that way as well. she liked you, of course, but as a friend. you assumed she was straight, the two of you had never really spoken too much about exact labels but when kitten would tell you about her interests or sexual encounters- other women never really seem to come up.

you’re dragged out of your thoughts as you feel kitten tap your shoulder, “come, let’s do this on my bed.”

you rise to your feet and grab your makeup bag, bringing it along with you as you walk over to kittens bed. she crawls in and sits with her legs crossed, waiting patiently for you to join her. you follow her soon after, sitting parallel to her with no choice but to look directly at her face. kittens beauty made it hard for you to stare directly at her, you shifted your gaze around the room, trying to avoid her whole also trying to not come off as strange.

she laughs, “look at me, sweetheart.” your eyes drift back to her face, her eyes locking with yours. you feel a pang in your brain, your anxiety wants you to look away, but you dismiss it as best you can and maintain eye contact.

“first, we’re gonna start off with a nice base.” she says, squirting some primer into her hand. she rubs the liquid between her fingers briefly before bringing them to your face, spreading the product around evenly. her hands migrate past your face and begin to massage the excess primer into your neck, the slight pressure she was causing made your mind start to wander a bit. you’re thinking about her slender fingers wrapped around your throat, her kissing you, her touching you. no, no no. you say in your head. she’s your friend, don’t think of her like that.

“now, you don’t really need any foundation. you’ve got gorgeous skin, but a little concealer will make your under eyes pop.” she continues, rummaging through the bag, yeah yeah she was talking about your skin but the fact that she used the word gorgeous while talking about you made your heart flutter, just a little bit. once she locates the concealer, the places small dabs on your under eye and buffs it out with her middle finger. as she’s focusing, her hand has made its way to your thigh. she’s using you for stability, but all you can think about is that her hands are on you, and those dirty thoughts begin to sneak up on you again.

she applies some powder and blush and moves to the next step, “how do you want your eyes to look? simple? sexy?” she asks, scooting herself forward slightly to get a bit closer to you. “uh, hm, i think just simple for tonight.” you reply, almost tempted to go with the sexy option, just to see what that would’ve been like, but you ultimately don’t.

“simple it is, i think you’ll look better this way. your eyes are too pretty to be all covered up.” she says sweetly, her eyes scanning around your face before glancing back down to the makeup bag. you almost feel like you could drop dead, her kind words fuelling your delusions. you’re enjoying this in the moment, you know yourself too well and you know later tonight you’ll be wide awake thinking about what she said to you. reminiscing on the fact that she called you pretty.

“you think my eyes are pretty?” you mutter, almost in disbelief, “i think all of you is pretty.” she coos, “you could walk into a club and pick up any man you’d like, makeup or not.”

you chuckle, “i don’t really think i’ll be too worried about what the guys think of me.”

she furrows her brows slightly, a small smirk creeping across her lips, “not looking for love?” she questions, bringing mascara up to your lashes and swiping the wand through them gently.

as she moves to coat the other eye, you feel a bit hesitant to tell her, but you know she won’t judge, so you let it come out.

“no, i’m looking, just not .. with men .. you know ..” you nearly whisper, your voice trailing off. her expression changes, surprise, yet joy, appear on her face.

“you’re joking, dear! i can’t believe i never knew!” she giggles, placing the mascara down beside her, “you’re too pretty for men, anyway. i wonder if we’ve ever liked the same girls.” she adds before grabbing some lipstick.

wait, huh? this changes basically everything in your eyes

“you like girls?” you ask, your voice nearly cracking.

“mhm, a lot, really. much more than men. they’re sweeter, feel nicer ..” she counters, gripping your chin slightly as she glides the lipstick across your bottom lip.

feel nicer? you sense a slight heat forming between your legs, imaging kitten all hot and bothered underneath some faceless woman, her caressing kitten in all the ways she liked. all wet and needy, that’s a sight you’d do anything to see for yourself. the idea that was, moments ago, so taboo to you has now been flipped completely on it’s head.

“i guess it’s just cause i had never heard you mention it ..” you mumble, your brain turning to mush at the pandora’s box of lesbian hypotheticals that continue to spring to the surface.

“i kept those relationships close to me. i was open about my encounters with men because, really, i saw them as quick fixes. use them to get off, then move on. but with women .. i wanna hold them. and touch them. and love them .” she begins to whisper, her face inching closer to yours as she covers your top lip in lipstick.

you swallow hard, kittens face is so close to yours, you can feel her body heat radiating off of her, you can smell her perfume, it’s all too much. without second thought, you lean forward and peck kitten on the lips.

as you pull away, her eyes are wide.

oh god. you went too far. now she’s gonna ask you to leave and you guys will never speak to each other a-

your thoughts are interrupted by kittens lips returning to yours. she’s providing more than a peck this time, a full fledged kiss, her hands make their way back to your thighs. so far, not with any sexual intentions, she just wants to feel you.

she pulls away just enough to mutter, “such sweet lips .. wonder what else on you is sweet ..” before sliding her tongue into your mouth, what started as sweet pecks have progressed into messy eager kisses. your hands finding their way to kittens side, testing the waters on how far she’s willing to go. with slight nudges, you push kitten back, watching how quickly she submits. she leans back with ease, her cheeks tinted red and pupils blown out.

“i’ve liked you ..” you say, leaning on top of her and kissing her cheek, “for so long now ..” your lips creeping down to her neck, she lets out a sweet little hum

“should’ve let me know .. we could’ve explored each other so much sooner ..” she purrs, running the tips of her fingers down your back as you continue to plant kisses down her body. eventually, you’re met with her clothed chest. you wanna rip her clothes off and kiss and grip each part of her body, but you refrain, deciding that maybe some over-the-clothing touches are better suited for right now.

you place your hand on one of her tits, watching her expression and body language attentively, “is this okay?” you ask in nearly a whisper, she places your hand on top of yours and forces you to apply pressure while rolling her hips up into you gently, moaning softly.

you’re undeniably wet, and you can feel kittens arousal grinding against you.

she wraps a leg around you and begins to get handsy herself, her warm hands sliding up your torso to grip and knead at your tits, “oh kitten ..” you moan, rutting into her slightly. you kiss around her neck, stopping to lick and suck on the areas that make her breath hitch.

while keeping a gentle grip on your tit, her other hand makes it’s way between your legs, slipping into your pants and past your underwear. you groan as those delicate fingers of hers play with your folds while becoming absolutely drenched in your slick

she lets out a breathy laugh, “goodness, dear, this wet? all for me?”

you feel a bit embarrassed, “i told you i like you a lot ..” you huff, hiding your face in her neck as she continues to toy with your pussy. “poor thing.. can’t believe you get this wet all for me .. if i had known i would’ve helped you out, sweet thing.” she coos, “i’m wet myself, dear, you wanna touch?”

you nod eagerly, desperate to feel how worked up she is. with a smirk, she slides your hand into her pants. god, she’s pulsing, as your fingers sneak up to her tip, you feel her slit is slick with her arousal.

“kitten .. shit ..” you moan, your brain and body completely overwhelmed. earlier you were adamantly convinced that kitten would never feel the same way about you, now here the two of you are, flushed with your bodies pressed together and your hands down each others pants.

you’re both moaning, and whining, and basking in each others embraces. the desperation of it all almost makes it feel dirtier than full on sex.

“it would be a shame if this wet pussy wasn’t put to good use ..” kitten sighs, furrowing her brows slightly while glancing at you. she doesn’t need to be more direct than that. you remove your hands from each others pants and aid each other in stripping one another of their pants and panties, along with taking of your shirts by yourselves. as you both discard them into the floor, you peak over and notice both you and kitten had small wet spots within your panties. the sight of it makes your stomach burn.

“on your back, doll ..” she hums, directing you gently onto your back, your eyes are fixated on kitten. you look at the lipstick marks on her cheek and neck, where you had been previously kissing, you decide to add a few more. as she’s collecting herself between your legs, you lean your body forward and place some kisses on to her chest,

“oh!” she moans out of shock, you turn your head and suck gently on her nipple, feeling her body twitch slightly. when you pull your head back, you look at the cluster of lipstick stains.

“sweetheart, if you keep that up, i might finish before we’ve even started ..” she groans ardently, and you feel her tip teasing your opening, sliding your slick around with the head of her cock, “now, i just can’t wait any longer .. i gotta see what such a pretty girl like you feels like ..” she breathed, slowly slipping herself inside you. you groan at the slight stretch, kitten wasn’t huge, but a perfect size, or at least she was perfectly curated for you and your pussy.

once she bottoms out, she doesn’t start thrusting immediately, she holds you close, looking lustfully into your eyes and lips, proceeding kissing you passionately. as you kiss her back, she moves her hips out and slowly back in again. though she felt amazing inside you, you weren’t exactly in the mood for love making at the moment, you more less wanted to be fucked.

“kitten mhh!” you whine, “faster .. please ..” she chuckles, biting at your lower lip as she fucks into you harder, almost as if she read your mind and knew the exact pace you wanted to be fucked at. she moans into your mouth, one of her hands reaching down to grip your hip.

“so warm .. so snug ..” she praises, she wants to talk, she wants to tell you you’re the prettiest thing she’s ever been inside of, but your cunt has her at a loss for words. you’re in the same boat as her, so you feel no judgement.

“i feel so ..” you grunt as she hits your spot inside you, “full, god!” you moan, rubbing your clit desperately, “that’s it, touch yourself angel, such a perfect filthy girl.” she growls, beginning to fuck you harder. you feel breathless, you’ve never heard kitten speak so crudely, you wondered what else goes on in her brain while she’s getting doused in waves of pleasure.

without much thought, you blurt out “i want you to come inside me” as kitten relentlessly pounds into you, kittens shoulders drop slightly from that statement. her body going partially limp while maintaining her pace, “i’ll fill you up, sweet thing, with such a pretty pussy like this i don’t think i’ll be able to come any other way ..”

you look at her expression and cup her face with one hand, she’s so fucked out. with a hand on your hip and the other placed above your head for stability, kitten is flushed and sweaty, her own lipstick was smudged at this point and her makeup was smeared. you think about how pretty she looked when her makeup was fresh, and how you believe she looks even prettier now with it all messed up.

she gulps hard before moaning, “but if i come in you .. you gotta come on me, can you do that, pretty girl?”

you could’ve creamed on her cock from that, but you hold back, nodding feverishly, “yes yes yes!” you mumble mindlessly, your mind processing absolutely nothing else besides the sensation of kittens cock sliding in and out of you. from the foreplay to kittens skillful thrusts, you knew you were gonna come soon. and kitten was exactly the same.

“baby, shit, ‘m gonna come!” she whines, gripping your hip painfully hard, you don’t mind at all though, knowing she’s gripping you because of how good your pussy feels around her made your brain process the pain as a separate form of pleasure. mental pleasure.

“come for me, pretty, come on ..” you whimper, feeling her thrusts become weaker and irregular. as you feel her about to come inside you, you reach your peak at the same time. her thrusts mixed with your eager clit rubbing was a lethal combo, you knew you’d be coming fast and hard. you convulse and clench around her as she hits her peak, moaning loudly at the overwhelming sensation. she pumps into you lazily before pulling out, her softening cock feeling now overstimulated by your warm, tight walls. she leans back and watches your pussy. knowing she’s looking, you push a bit, and you feel the mixture of both of your orgasms spill out from inside you, she groans.

“gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous.” she purrs, running her finger tips along your thighs. you both sit in silence for a few moments, collecting yourselves, regaining your composure, before she breaks it by saying,

“when can we do this again?”

—

i love writing about kitten. my wife for life 💗

[multiversal-wanderings]

Building a healthier relationship with shifting - My experience and advice

If any of this doesn’t resonate, just don’t take it lol.

How do you know you’re obsessing over shifting?

I think it’s when shifting starts to affect your daily life in a negative way.

In my case, shifting used to be the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing I thought about when I went to bed. Throughout the day, I was almost always thinking about my DR or what I could try next to shift. I knew something had to change because shifting didn’t feel enjoyable, it felt like a habit.

Tips & things that worked for me

1. Reflect and be honest about when you tend to obsess over shifting the most

For me, it was when I felt the most anxious. I became honest with myself about my anxiety, which led to me opening up to family about mental health and getting more support from them/ getting outside help if needed. This really lessened my reliance on shifting as a coping mechanism.

2. Embrace your emotions - let yourself feel angry or sad

It sounds simple, but sometimes I make little video diaries talking about how I feel about my shifting journey. I avoid dwelling on it (ex: listening to a bunch of sad music or doom scrolling on shifting social media).

3. Stop looking at shifting as black and white

“I can only shift through the void state/ law of assumption techniques, using xyz method, etc”

Everyone has their theories on shifting, as do I, but at the end of the day, we can not say for sure any method will guarantee a shift. Personally, that kind of thinking led me to a lot of rumination, which was a hard hole to dig myself out of.

4. Reflect on the motivation behind your DRs

I asked myself why I wanted to shift to certain DRs - validation? Exploration? Relationships? After figuring this out, I stopped trying to shift to DRs I don’t actually want to *live* in.

I noticed I used to script DRs where I didn’t seem to grasp the reality of it, and saw it as more of an OC, fanfiction-type thing. Trying to shift to DRs I can ACTUALLY see myself living in helps keep me from excessively daydreaming, and keeps me grounded in the .. well, reality of reality shifting.

Remember, your mental health in this reality should always come first. No one can guarantee if you will wake up in your DR tomorrow, so the best thing we can do for ourselves is keep a healthy balance with shifting.

You can shift, and you can do it in a way that adds to your life, not subtracts from it.

Happy shifting <3

[eroaneki]

I'm still so scared by what happened to me earlier this month. I feel like I had a legit mental breakdown. I still feel extremely raw and vulnerable and constantly on the edge of a panic attack, but I think that's more so because I'm afraid of not being able to control how I feel. Like that I feel completely out of control.

I literally triggered myself into a mental breakdown by drinking cold brew on an empty stomach. Like out of fucking no where had a massive injection of liquid caffeine directly into my bloodstream. And I was also coming off of weed. And it was... 3 days before my period. I think all of that combined with is what really sent me over the edge. I'm usually smarter about tapering myself off but I also have never had a 7 month period where I used daily. I think my longest has been like 2 months in the past. This has been basically daily use since like, January.

I've taken half of a 5mg edible twice in the last like 3 weeks because honestly I'm so fucking spooked I'm gonna end up going insane or something. I know it's unlikely. But man I miss the creativity weed gives me. My head isn't as loud anymore and quite honestly I feel "normal" I guess. Whatever my normal was when I was using daily. So I guess that means I've leveled out? But my heart keeps skipping throughout the day and it freaks me out and I hate it and I've already had everything ruled out by the cardiologist so it just is what it is I guess. I'm fine according to them.

Idk existence is scary as fuck. But I guess you have to have bigger balls than life and that's how you win. Just growing those balls into a massive force takes so much time and effort and "do it scared" mentality. I understand why people scream when they do things that scares them. It pushes them forward. Gives them the strength to do it.

Also side note, I hate adrenaline? I run so high in the morning and I know it's my body trying to wake me up but could you not? Can you be more gentle about it? Also life without coffee is fucking ROUGH. My heart pounds too fast when I drink it and quite honestly I don't need the extra stimulation in the morning so I've switched to tea, but occasionally I'll pour myself like 2-4 oz of coffee and sip slowly on that. Usually on the days I'm home.

God I feel like I have no idea how to survive as a person sometimes. I just feel like I'm walking blind. It sucks. Really badly. But I'm okay for the most part now. I still get a little shaky driving but again, I just think I'm scared I'm gonna freak out again while driving. I'm so scared of what happened to me that I'm trying every which way I can to avoid it happening again. It's rough. Rough rough rough but for the most part I'm fine.

My outlook is mostly positive and I feel more of my piss and vinegar self coming back, which is nice. But yeah. Still definitely licking my wounds and a little worried about my period coming up this month. But I have my emergency lavender and Xanax and sweet smelling body scrubs and ice pack and everything else I use to help calm anxiety lol

I also have a really good support group and I started therapy, though I did have to cancel my appointment for tomorrow because my new insurance doesn't kick in until 8/1. Annoying but I know it's not the end of me ever going to therapy ever again. Just have to wait probably another week 🙃

[vacker-katastrof]

Helluva Boss: S2 E7 - "You're Gonna Die Alone" Theory

TL;DR at the bottom. Okay, so I was re-watching Helluva Boss S1 E8, and with Oops being out, I think this deserves to be noticed. I'm 90% sure I'm not the only person who noticed this and is theorizing it, but since we might get the episode tomorrow (written Oct. 28th, 2023) I figured I'd suck up my anxiety and just throw this out there. lol

When Blitz is back home from the party with Loona he says that Fizz was right, and that he's gonna die alone. But in Oops, we got proof via flashbacks and dialogue that immediately before the fire, they were on good terms. After that, they didn't meet up again for 15 years, they confirm that when they realize someone (I assume we'll find out exactly who tomorrow/Halloween) made them think the other didn't care anymore immediately following the accident. And at the beginning of Oops Blitz states they've only seen each other twice in 15 years, so at Ozzie's, then running into him at Greed. If we go back to S1 E7 to when Blitz and Fizz first see each other again at Ozzie's, Fizz never said that Blitz would die alone. He commented that his love life "is a pile of shit", but this "die alone" quote didn't come from the disaster at Ozzie's. We did hear it in "Truth Seekers", but it was Blitz repeating it to himself - and before you comment the hallucination of Fizz already had robotic limbs, remember by this point in time we know Blitz is aware of Fizz' robotic limbs since he worked and Loo-Loo land with the robot for awhile. Now, yes, the robot could have said it, but Blitz's emotional reaction when he repeats it makes be believe it was said by the real Fizz.

With the GIFs we're getting, and since frames in "Helluva Boss 2022 Trailer" have all been fulfilled except for the last batch that are just of Ozzie, Fizz, a reference to Mammon, and Blitz/Fizz as teens, I think we're gonna get one more flashback, hopefully with dialogue and more substance. Continuing onto the theory;

These teen Fizz/Blitz frames in particular are what make me think the following: Fizz said this to Blitz back when they were teenagers, but he didn't mean it with malice. From the flashback we just got, Fizz was happy to see Blitz and Blitz appeared to be trying to tell Fizz he had feelings for him. So, if we take into account the image Blitz has of Fizz and him on his phone wearing Mammon-brand clothing, the concert shot could be part of the flashback. Perhaps, on their way to said show or back from it, whatever is making Fizz look happy here might have something to do with adoration of something/someone, the cliché of "love sounds great" comes to mind as a reason, and when Blitz looks away nervously he's probably going to say something about not meeting the right person or just avoiding what would be awkward for him. In response, perhaps Fizz says something the effect of "you're going to die alone if you never try to find someone". If that is what happens, I'll bet this is what gave Blitz the initial push to write that letter he planned to give Fizz. But then of course we got the flashback in Oops and see that didn't really go well.

So, the TL;DR for my theory is: I think we'll get a flashback of Blitz and Fizz when they go to a Mammon concert (maybe a gift for Fizz's birthday before the smaller party in the circus), Fizz makes the comment while they're on an romantic topic or something involving love/adoration, Blitz writes the letter, then loses the courage to actually give it to him when Cash gave Fizz that "wish you were my son" birthday card. Which, hell, of course that probably made Blitz feel even more "less than" compared to Fizz than he already felt. It was just the last straw that confirmed that Fizz was way out of Blitz's league.

Anyway, that's just my opinion, and that's what I think would make the most sense for a flashback portion since Oops only gave us a small explanation and left at least me with just as many questions as answers.

[midnight-rice]

Ephemerality, creativity, and completion

My sleep schedule is fucked and my brain is fried and I can't sleep so naturally I decided to go through all some of the files backed up in my Google Drive--- mainly my own artwork, old and new, some of my writing WIPs, and snippets of creative projects from fans and professionals alike that I had saved as inspirations. It was really refreshing to look back on the techniques and the flaws and the ideas in each of them, as well as my personal growth and the development of my interests. But so much of my work in there hasn't been shared because it's incomplete, which is something that haunts me quite a lot sometimes and as I was thinking about it and what I want from life I think I reached a new point in thinking. Apologies if I sound angsty or self-absorbed, I'm just liveblogging my musings for my own preservation purposes:

My inability to finish stuff is something that developed later in my life, starting around maybe late high school and becoming more noticable in my early twenties (although technically I'm still in my early twenties 😅). I suspect the cause is related to a mental disorder, probably ADHD though I'm not sure I'll ever get an official diagnosis, since the symptoms do sound similar to descriptions of executive dysfunction: almost everything I make has an invisible ticking clock on it, the length of which can vary wildly, but once that timer runs out the odds of completion drop abysmally low, no matter how much I care about the creation/task or how important it is. I've found that there are ways to prolong this deadline sometimes and the effectiveness of those methods can vary too. Sometimes it's better to take frequent breaks to avoid burnout, and other times it's better to push through while the intrinsic inspiration is high. Sometimes it's better to have deadlines to establish clear goals, and sometimes it's better to dismiss the time limitations because they can cause anxiety and hopelessness. Sometimes it's better to share what I'm working on in order to reignite interest by vicariously experiencing the idea with new eyes, and sometimes it's better to keep it to myself so that my brain doesn't conflate the act of sharing with the act of finishing.

And I know that things don't have to be complete in order to be shared, or at least I try to remind myself of that. My perfectionism makes me want to have it be *done* in its best currently possible form when shared, and tbh social media often reinforces that idea to an extent since WIPs tend to get way less attention than finished things but that's not entirely my point rn. I've more or less accepted that some things are made to matter in the moment, that I made them when I needed to and that it's okay to move on to other things without finishing. But presenting incomplete works can still feel like almost a betrayal as much as hoarding them does because it opens up possible miscommunication or misinterpretation--- if I had just found the right words or drawn the right details THEN the audience would get it.

And I think for me personally that idea of "getting it" is really important to me. I'm naturally more shy and reserved (or maybe it's not natural and was more of a coping mechanism to fit in but I'm not going there today lol) and I struggle to find the right words a lot in speech but the things I make manage to say a lot more about me than I can verbalize. A lot of my relationships are more surface-level like acquaintances and coworkers which is fine, it's unrealistic and probably unhealthy to be deeply intimate with everyone you know. But even some of my closer ones like my family still feel shallow at times or disconnected. I don't mean to sound edgy or that I'm "misunderstood," but I worry sometimes that if I got hit by a truck tomorrow they'd put the wrong words on my tombstone and never know about a Google Drive full of incomprehensible creative works that nevertheless mattered so much to me.

Oh my god the irony... I'm so tired I cant even finish this post and now it looks like I'm just having an anxiety spiral... f

[feeshies]

Voyage of the Nautilus: The Gulf Stream pt. 2

Trying my hand at live-reading even though I was bad and read ahead. But this chapter hurts and I need to yell about it.

“Sir,” he told me that day, “it’s got to stop. I want to get to the bottom of this. Your Nemo’s veering away from shore and heading up north. But believe you me, I had my fill at the South Pole and I’m not going with him to the North Pole.”

I like Ned putting his foot down lol. Big "this party's going on for way too long, I'm calling the Uber" vibes.

“I keep coming back to my idea. We’ve got to talk to the captain. When we were in your own country’s seas, you didn’t say a word. Now that we’re in mine, I intend to speak up. Before a few days are out, I figure the Nautilus will lie abreast of Nova Scotia, and from there to Newfoundland is the mouth of a large gulf, and the St. Lawrence empties into that gulf, and the St. Lawrence is my own river, the river running by Quebec, my hometown—and when I think about all this, my gorge rises and my hair stands on end! Honestly, sir, I’d rather jump overboard! I can’t stay here any longer! I’m suffocating!”

Ned :((( This chapter is so anxiety-inducing and you can feel the dread. Also "When we were in your own country’s seas, you didn’t say a word. Now that we’re in mine, I intend to speak up" is such a good line.

I had a sense of what he was suffering because I also was gripped by homesickness. Nearly seven months had gone by without our having any news from shore. Moreover, Captain Nemo’s reclusiveness, his changed disposition, and especially his total silence since the battle with the devilfish all made me see things in a different light. I no longer felt the enthusiasm of our first days on board.

Aronnax :((( Nemo :((( I wonder if Aronnax's homesickness was amplified (or rather unlocked) after hearing one of the crewmen speak French during the devilfish fight. Everyone's depressed on this submarine.

You needed to be Flemish like Conseil to accept these circumstances, living in a habitat designed for cetaceans and other denizens of the deep.

Except for Conseil, who seems to be fine just chilling. Is this a Flemish stereotype? Should I be side-eyeing Aronnax?

Truly, if that gallant lad had owned gills instead of lungs, I think he would have made an outstanding fish!

I still think this line is super cute. I wish someone would say I'd be an outstanding fish.

“But I rarely encounter him. He positively avoids me.” “All the more reason you should go look him up.” “I’ll confer with him, Ned.” “When?” the Canadian asked insistently. “When I encounter him.” “Professor Aronnax, would you like me to go find him myself?” “No, let me do it. Tomorrow—” “Today,” Ned Land said.

Ned "either communicate with him or just dump him already!" Land.

I entered. The captain was there. He was bending over his worktable and hadn’t heard me. Determined not to leave without questioning him, I drew closer. He looked up sharply, with a frowning brow, and said in a pretty stern tone: “Oh, it’s you! What do you want?” “To speak with you, captain.” “But I’m busy, sir, I’m at work. I give you the freedom to enjoy your privacy, can’t I have the same for myself?”

My anxiety is off the charts. I also love how short and abrupt his sentences suddenly get. It makes the encounter that much more tense.

Aronnax saying they "were miles apart" ;-; Turns out the 20,000 leagues was the distance that grew between him and Nemo this whole time.

“Here, Professor Aronnax, is a manuscript written in several languages. It contains a summary of my research under the sea, and God willing, it won’t perish with me. Signed with my name, complete with my life story, this manuscript will be enclosed in a small, unsinkable contrivance. The last surviving man on the Nautilus will throw this contrivance into the sea, and it will go wherever the waves carry it.”

Only during my second reading did I realize that this is essentially a suicide note. Oh fuck. Then Aronnax going "👀 I wanna see that manuscript..."

The exchange between Nemo and Aronnax was brutal and tense, holy shit. You can feel Aronnax's anxiety and frustration and Nemo's impatience. The chapter they spent trapped under the ice wasn't as suffocating.

“Ned Land can think, attempt, or endeavor anything he wants, what difference is it to me? I didn’t go looking for him! I don’t keep him on board for my pleasure! As for you, Professor Aronnax, you’re a man able to understand anything, even silence. I have nothing more to say to you. Let this first time you’ve come to discuss this subject also be the last, because a second time I won’t even listen.” I withdrew. From that day forward our position was very strained.

I don't like it when they fight :(

But the skies became more and more threatening. There were conspicuous signs of a hurricane on the way. The atmosphere was turning white and milky. Slender sheaves of cirrus clouds were followed on the horizon by layers of nimbocumulus. Other low clouds fled swiftly. The sea grew towering, inflated by long swells. Every bird had disappeared except a few petrels, friends of the storms. The barometer fell significantly, indicating a tremendous tension in the surrounding haze. The mixture in our stormglass decomposed under the influence of the electricity charging the air. A struggle of the elements was approaching.

It's so cinematic aaaa. I love the way the weather matches the tension inside the submarine. Not the optimal weather for an escape, but I think Ned is in "I don't care if the price surge is 200%, I'm calling the Uber!" mode.

[whentherewerebicycles]

here is a scruffy little angel! ok I feel pretty fragile inside from a week of bad sleep & an especially terrible insomnia experience last night but I am trying to be brave about it. two of my grad school friends I haven’t seen in forever are in town this weekend and I am v excited about that!!! I always get weird homebody inertia around social stuff but then I have a great time (like last night I really dragged my feet on hanging out with M&A in the park/getting dinner after and then it was so much fun) so I just have to commit to stuff even if I feel like socially hibernating. when it comes to most social things my instincts are not a reliable guide to what will actually make me happy. so tonight I will meet up with them for dinner/drinks and then tomorrow we will hang out at the lake.

here are some things I’d like to do with the day:

finish young mungo which is absolutely gutting ughhh so painful but so good. I kind of want to put up my hammock and read somewhere without distractions but can’t decide if it’s too much effort. mm tbd.

work on writing meme prompts (this has been v good for me it’s forcing me to dig into scene writing/revision which for whatever reason is the thing I’ve built up the most writer’s block anxiety around)

the house is a tip right now it’s not dirty really just super untidy and the clutter is making me feel on edge. I think I need to do a few song-timed bursts of putting stuff in its proper place and ugh I might actually start with that so my brain feels calmer about other stuff

fold laundry

long walk with dogs because I didn’t walk them at all yesterday… I can tell I am avoiding walks partly because it’s a bit hotter out and partly because I’m getting Walk Boredom with our usual route. I think I’ll drive them to the slightly farther-out forest (4 min instead of 2 min haha) because it’ll be cooler and kinda interesting/new. also if I’m feeling really motivated I could do a very short run after I drop them off at home—I’m talking like, 3 min run / 3 min walk times 3 short haha. gotta ease back into it somehow.

pick something to wear well in advance of leaving. otherwise I will get so stressed later on and will end up running way later than I mean to & being way more amped up when I leave. why are clothes so stressful to me literally no one cares and I feel like people care even less in this city than anywhere else I’ve ever lived lol

shower around 3:30/4 so I can be ready to leave between 5-6ish

mm okay that all seems good. I think now it’s time to get up and do my first burst of song cleaning… maybe I will do all too well 10 min version + I can see you.

[these-written-reveries]

I'm genuinely avoiding getting out of bed bc that means I have to get going with my day which means I have to make the call to my gyno to schedule an iud insertion which I still don't even want, but I have to bc I have endometriosis -that which I had a surgery for 6 months ago and I've been avoiding making a decision on this iud ever since bc it scares me. Not just because of the obvious side effects/scary things that are rare, but can happen with iuds, but also bc I'm chronically ill and I have GERD, which is a fucking monster to tame on a daily basis, but it can be made worse by birth control (I've already experienced it with the pill and it was hell). Idk if this one is gonna do that or not, but if it does, that means I will either have to take a PPI full-time for my GERD (which I don't wanna do bc I'm young and it's linked to bone density loss when taken for long periods of time) OR I will have to have the iud removed and just pray the endo doesn't grow back very fast and cause me to need another surgery in the next year or 2...which...if I'm being honest, I'm already starting to feel slight pain that I have associated with endo in the past, so that's not really reassuring. This iud is thought to be the best option for treatment bc it's supposed to slow down the growth of endo by thinning the lining of your uterus and preventing you from having periods. It is also basically the only option for treatment besides surgery so...yay me!

I care a lot about my health and I've developed a lot of anxiety surrounding my health as well. I don't like doing anything that risks ruining the balance I've worked so hard (and am constantly working hard) to maintain. At the same time, I know I need to at least give this iud a try, as it is my only option and who knows? Maybe it'll work great for me? That doesn't mean it's not scary as shit though.

Even though it's technically my choice at the end of the day, I feel like I don't truly have a choice at all. If I wanna take the best care of my body, I have to try this. Because, it's all I have, other than trying to go with basic natural treatments which I'm already doing and aren't really backed up by any solid science/tests. So...this is it for me. I have to be brave and try, but I'm so tired of being brave all the time 😫 I just wanna live my life and not have to think so fucking hard about my health 24/7. I don't wanna make decisions anymore lol. Can someone else just like...take the wheel? That would be great.

Anyway, I'm gonna do it. It's already 2pm, so if not today, then definitely tomorrow. I can't put this off any longer.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Tomorrow I see Mom, and I think I am having a breakdown.

See, though I have talked to Mom almost every single day, I haven’t seen her since 2019. Since her stroke she’s lived with my brother and there have been issues. I haven’t been able to visit her or even see a photo.

That’s a LONG time. And with both of us that means a lot of changes. She has become increasingly ill and has reached the age where bodies get frail and withered for the best of us. As for me, I’ve had people meaning well when they tell me that I am showing the weight of what my life has become, that I’m looking haggard and it’s aging me fast. We are going to look like different people since the last time we saw each other, and not in a good way.

Thing is, this visit wouldn’t be happening if things weren’t so dire. Mom’s condition is frighteningly bad. Not only will she never have another birthday, if “they” are right she won’t even have Christmas. So there is this nightmarish awareness of this being my last time seeing her. It's not a visit but more of a goodbye to the person I love most in the world, my best friend…mama.

It’s so overwhelming, and I will also be navigating a family mine field. The details don’t matter, but the point is there is the potential for explosions I am responsible for avoiding on enemy ground.

So I need to to not be crushed by this. I need to be able to tell Mom I love her and hug her and not fall apart at what I see. I need to try to be cheerful and make her feel as happy and loved as I can.

Today on our call I tried to test out shoving back the anxiety, grief, and all the rest. Super enthusiastically I said “Hey, tomorrow I get to see you! We can talk face to face instead of over the phone! Isn’t that cool?!”

Silence. Just silence. She responded to other things, but not this. And this was a silence that sounded like “……”

With Mom that silence has always meant the same thing. She isn’t happy. Something is bothering her and she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Mom may feel as stressed and conflicted about tomorrow as I do.

Tomorrow is so close. I have to be ready. I have to do this right. I have to make Mom happy for at least a moment. I have to keep the peace and be agreeable. I have to keep my own emotions under control. I have to avoid getting killed driving while crying! (LOL)

I guess what I really need to figure out is how to numb my really emotions and be able to fake whatever anyone else needs. And I have always been terrible at this, always an emotional raw nerve that wears my feelings on my face. Failing at this scares.

[cosmicowlastrology]

Astrology Nov 12 2022. Non Ordinary Reality

Today Mercury in Scorpio trines Neptune in Pisces deepening a beautiful water grand trine that will be active for around 10 days. I did a short video on that yesterday that you can find on TikTok (been avoiding that site but it’s drawn me in lol) at https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRx7TKL9/ or on Instagram or youtube shorts.

Imagination, intuition, empathy, compassion, and overwhelming emotion is the theme today.

The water grand trine connects Sun, Mercury, and Venus in Scorpio, Neptune and Jupiter in Pisces, and Black Moon Lilith and Pallas Athena in Cancer. The Cancer Moon joins the party this weekend.

This energy is magical, confusing, and cleansing. This is all about FEELINGS and it’s time to embrace that rather than trying to stuff any emotions that come up. The water elementals are undines and they ‘cleanse not only the physical waters, but also that aspect of mankind’s life that relates to the water element—our emotional and subconscious world.

They carry on their backs the weight of mankind’s emotional pollution—feelings that are not at peace, such as anger, emotional abuse, unloving speech, selfishness, anxiety and indulgence.’ ~ https://www.summitlighthouse.org/elementals-nature-spirits/

Call on the undines today to help you to tap into mystery and the mystical. Let yourself cry if you need. I’m visiting my daughter in Washington State and am going to walk by the ocean to enjoy this energy. Long baths, watching something magical, doing something creative, are all other ideas.

We do have a sextile between retrograde Mars in Gemini and shit stirrer Eris today that’s forming a finger of fate/God pointing at Venus, Mercury, and the Sun over the next few days. This is bringing a big push to consider changing how you relate to outsiders and others in community.

Another sextile from Venus to Pluto in Capricorn taps your subconscious into what needs to be released in this waning Eclipse period.

What do you need to release? What needs cleansing in you or your life?

Art: Undine Painting by Natty Sviderskaia

“SCORPIO 23

A collection of dolls.

The inside of things takes charge when the ego-self is out of the picture and we are free to go with our fancy. The outer side of things becomes purely symbolic, just one way to do it. When the formative soul has its way, the world is recreated in a different image. Eliminating the usual mental considerations, the formative soul sticks to how things feel inside, and pushes for a world that matches the inner pictures. Becoming bound up with subtle and hidden layers of existence and tuned out of what is obvious and straightforward. Deeply driven to move out beyond the known into other realities. A resourcefulness that knows no bounds. Able to turn anything back into what it was meant to be. In the process, you crack through every kind of consensus agreement, becoming an outlaw, fused with core existence and drawing the energy out of empty forms into what is here. When you can feel the magic and know it is real, it is the touchstone to make it all real again.”

Sat, Nov 12, 2022

America / Denver, GMT-07:00

​Mercury trine Neptune 11:35 AM

Tomorrow

Sun, Nov 13

​Venus sextile Pluto 2:40 AM

​Mars sextile Eris 3:45 AM

[fantasticcloudcreation]

June 29

Long rant about feelings

Damn ok tmro is the last day of June wtf

Having big anxiety rn bc I just watched a movie and like it was a good movie but something about it was unsettling and now I feel crazy 🙂

Before that it was a pretty good day - started brainstorming for a sculpture but idk if I'll have time to make it before I need to leave for Miami, also went on a boat ride to get dinner, had a caprese salad and waaaay more fries than I should've, still feeling it and I don't like it. Also a grapefruit crush which was good :) before that I had 4 pretzels with hummus and like a serving or two of potato chips. I think I'm at the point where I actually hate food and I'm kind of stressed how I'm going to function at work in a week but idk what to do about it.

Just feeling like a blah mood right now, probably from the movie or maybe the fries, idk. Tomorrow I'm gonna work on other projects that aren't crochet bc I think it's making me insane haha. Honestly feeling really bad about eating all those fries which is kinda sad bc normally fries are like my favorite food and they were really good but damn. Reminding myself: I'm still within the limit, one day won't matter in the long run, just drink water and eat better tomorrow, etc. Reminding myself that my shoulder bones are sticking out and even if my belly is a lil bloated tmro it won't affect my shoulders/collarbones :) wrists are looking skinny, legs are looking skinny, it's ok just relax.

I started all this up again like, I guess the last week of April, thinking it wasn't a "relapse" and that I'm not /never have been "disordered" ; but I feel like the vibe right now is not a relaxed healthy vibe lol. Honestly thinking about skipping the Miami gig just bc I don't want to have to start eating more. Feeling lonely and also avoiding everyone that ever tries to connect with me.

Also, there's a guy at work that I was hanging out with and he got way too serious about me way too fast and I've been kinda trying to keep my distance as much as possible without being an asshole but I think I'm actually being an asshole and I need to break up with him just so he actually gets the message, and I feel bad about doing that bc he really likes me but it's just giving me all kinds of vibes that I dont want right now, and like I only accepted the Miami gig bc he said he wasn't going but then I think he changed his mind bc I told him I was going, and I know he's gonna want to be roommates and act like a boyfriend, and like I've told him multiple times i dont want a boyfriend right now but I think I just need to be more clear about defining the relationship as just friends....... And idk if I should do that before we get there and room with someone else, idk who that would be which also gives me anxiety, or should I just go along with it for now and have a conversation in person when we get there........ Idk. Maybe that's the real reason I want to skip the gig, I don't want to deal with this but I've been avoiding it for so long and now I'm gonna have to answer to people at work who think we've been dating and ugh this is why I shouldn't date people at work, I need to trust my instincts on a guy from the beginning and not let it drag on when I'm not 100% into it, not get romantic with a person until I'm sure about it and I've known them for a solid chunk of time. Like he's such a sweetie and I don't want to break his heart but I just don't want that kind of relationship right now and I don't like that everyone at work thinks we're dating and calls me "his girl" and stuff. Kicking myself for handling this whole situation terribly the entire time, I should've been more clear at the beginning but I wasn't sure bc he is a nice guy and I have a tendency to push people away so I was like, maybe I'll give it a shot, but I feel like that wasn't the right move, I feel like I need to get better at setting boundaries while I'm still getting to know a person....

Relax, it's not that bad, things will unfold. Yes I've been an asshole to both him and D and I am learning lessons along the way and next time will be better :) it's one week in Miami and I will survive. I guess I'll call him when I leave here just so he's not blindsided when we get there. However it unfolds beyond that, only time will tell!

R is also going to be at the gig in August and then all the ones for the rest of the year which will be interesting so I'm going to stop overthinking it and just relax and live my life. People break up and I'm not responsible for someone else's happiness if it's negatively impacting my own. Right? Or am I just a selfish asshole? Maybe but I shouldn't have kept it going for so long if I wasn't feeling it, and it's better to be honest about it now.

Meanwhile; I'm a strong independent woman and I'm still learning how to navigate the dating world and every new person teaches me a different lesson. I'm traveling for work and I get to work a halftime show for a major national soccer tournament which is cool as fuck. I have time to finish up my projects here and spend time with my dad and then I'll go spend a couple days with my brother and clean the van etc, and then drive all the fucking way down the east coast *once again* lol and it's just another chapter in the story! Just another phase in the adventure! The next 2 chapters beyond that are going to be super fun and I'm so excited for them, let's start it off right with a positive attitude going into this one as well! I am smart and capable and funny and friendly and ready to see what unfolds. I don't have to let a man's feelings take precedence over my own. I am a free and independent woman. I am solo on my journey and I can do it and it will be fun and exciting and probably challenging. It will be hot in Miami and I can handle it. I am strong and capable. This first part will be the most challenging; I'll learn a lot of new things and challenge my body and my emotional strength; there's a week between the end of that and the next one, so I'll visit my mom and my friends in FL once again, and then I'll go camp in the mountains and get ready for a fun festival. And then another fun festival! And then a couple weeks off to spend more time with my family or whatever else happens along the way. I can relax and enjoy the ride. I can surrender to the journey. I can show up and do my best and smile through the struggles and make new friends. I can eat food to keep my body going!!! I can relax and it's going to be alright. Things will go better if I'm having fun with whatever shows up. I love my life even with all of its challenges; especially with all of its challenges. It's a new fresh chapter and I can do hard things. Maybe I'll cut my hair lol. After Miami I can go back to losing weight bc the following events will be easier on my body, and one week won't hurt my progress. Maybe I'll get over this phase and start eating better again. Who knows. I love my life and I'm grateful for these opportunities and I'm excited to see what unfolds.

Relax, breathe, go to sleep, have a good day tomorrow. Everything is working out. I love you ❤️

[hismercytomyjustice]

Please pray for me because I’m about ready to start biting people at work, lol.

I am going to end up in jail for taking a chunk out of someone’s arm while foaming at the mouth.

I was gonna take today off since I had yesterday off for Juneteenth and I’m major stressed about this trip next week. But then we were told we would be going through the agenda for the trip on the call so I was like “cool, makes sense, for the sake of my anxiety/ocd and desperate need to know what the schedule is and be as prepared as possible, I’ll cancel my extra day off so I can go to this meeting.”

TELL ME WHY THEY TOLD US ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THE TRIP ASIDE FROM “YOU’LL GET THE AGENDA TOMORROW.”

TOMORROW??? LESS THAN 24 BUSINESS HOURS BEFORE I WILL BE IN NY???

Look. I am not trying to be difficult. I know my need to know as much as possible about something before getting into it is a bit…extreme.

BUT THERE ARE ONLY 19 OF US GOING. HOW HAVE YOU NOT FINALIZED AN AGENDA YET OR AT LEAST GIVEN US A ROUGH MOCKUP OF WHAT TO EXPECT???????

Oh my GOD. I am losing my FUCKING MIND. Oh, but we were told to expect to still be doing our regular work even though we “have a packed schedule.”

WHAT. WHAT.

WHEN. Y’all already got us flying there Monday morning and leaving Wednesday night.

WHEN. WHEN WHEN WHEN????

The level of anxiety I feel at having absolutely no fucking clue what to expect for a trip this close is OFF THE CHARTS.

I don’t feel like I’m asking for the sun and the moon and the stars??? I just want to know basic shit like if I’ll get any breaks (haha, good one), how “packed” the packed schedule is, how much time I’m going to have to mask like my life depends on it, and how much time am I going to have to come down from being around people and being nonstop busy every single day.

Plus the added stress (to me) of having to rush there and rush back home because the multi-billion-dollar company I work for is too stingy to pay for us to either go up Sunday or leave Thursday.

lol I want to fucking cry from frustration.

Literally the whole having ocd thing means I am hardwired to have little to no tolerance of uncertainty/change and desperately desire routine. Plus the fun addition of ADHD means I’m very easily overstimulated and have impaired executive function (which I’m going to need in spades for this damn trip).

That doesn’t even take into account the fact my therapist (who specializes in ocd) says I probably have autism too. There’s a pretty significant rate of comorbidity and an overlap in symptoms between autism and ocd and they often get misdiagnosed for the other because of it.

“The prevalence of OCD is estimated to range from 4.9% to 37.2% in children and adolescents diagnosed with ASD, and from 7% to 24% in adults with ASD.”

A wild range in the state, but still significant enough they’re like “we see the link.”

I was around 18 the first time I was told by a therapist that I might have ocd and lord knows I had symptoms before that. Tbh I’m 99.9% certain my ocd symptoms started around age 12/13. I just didn’t see a therapist for the first time until I was 18 (yaaaay growing up poor!). Then I got told again back in 2022 by another therapist “hey, has anyone ever told you that you might have ocd” and then finally by my ocd specialist therapist (who I wasn’t even seeing for ocd, just exposure therapy which tends to be one of the main treatments for ocd) who was like “you 1000% have pure o ocd” lol. Not her exact words, but that was the sentiment.

Pure o is a bit of a misnomer because a lot of the compulsions are internalized rather than externalized (ex. reassurance seeking, spiraling in an attempt to suppress/ignore distressing thoughts, avoiding situations that may trigger obsessions, exhaustively assessing and reassessing what-ifs…).

My current therapist actually personally has ADHD and specializes in OCD. While she’s not in a position to diagnose someone with autism, she’s still in a good enough spot to say “I’m pretty confident you have it.”

I did get tested for it when I got tested for ADHD at my request, but didn’t get the diagnosis for it. lol after three separate therapists had to consult with each other on whether or not I might have it. I was deemed as “having signs of autism, but not enough autism” lmaooo. The lady who did my assessment was new enough in her career she had to get the results signed off on by a superior (who, if memory serves, also changed in the middle of my assessment) and was told not enough autism. Tho the assessor and my therapist (part of the assessment involved them comparing notes on me) were both like “we see it.”

And ever since then I’ve been trying to figure out if the ambiguity is because I’ve gotten really fucking good at masking or if it’s just because my special brand of adhd/ocd encompasses 2/3 of a whole autism lmaooo. There is little doubt in my mind that, before I learned to mask in my early twenties, I probably would’ve been diagnosed without any hemming and hawing. BUT HERE WE ARE.

The joys of trying to get a diagnosis later in life after you’ve spent decades learning how to fucking cope, or at least fake it well enough to get by.

WHO KNOWS.

I feel mildly less like I might bite someone now, but I’m sure that’s not gonna last. lol. Lord help me.

The timeframe for that is going to be largely dependent on when they finally give us the agenda tomorrow lol. Morning? Minimal risk. Late afternoon? Gonna need a muzzle.

┻━┻︵ \(°□°)/ ︵ ┻━┻

[star2sworld]

5/22/24 things are I don’t know

I haven’t been on here in awhile so there is a lot to say. First, I scrolled a little down my page and god I saw the post I made about HIM last year and god I am so glad that situation is over with. It was actually so so bad. After we stopped talking things got really great for me you know. Practicing self love helped me love me for me. Not so much anymore though. Don’t know when I stopped but I did . It sucks because I feel like I worked really hard to get to where I was just to have it messed up by some boy. I mean I didn’t like him but it takes me really long to get over anything and just not being chosen hurt me I guess. I say I don’t care then think about it everyday . I mean I’ll eventually really stop caring. I wish I could stop caring now. On top of that I just finished reading perks of being a wallflower and I saw myself so much in Charlie. I ended up sobbing reading the last few pages. It was just sad. And on top of that Deeya makes me feel like she doesn’t want to talk to me. I’ve also realized that she’s kind of really negative and only focused on the bad parts so I decided to stop talking to her from today. I think she will be fine be she she adopted a dog today. The dog will save her.

I feel like I’m lying to myself when I say things are getting bad again because I’m not sure if they really are. I mean I’m doing good in school, I’ve been driving, and living I guess. I do feel off tho. My energy isn’t there and I haven’t been doing much for the past few weeks. I kinda don’t want to get better. And i especially hate taking to my therapist. I’m sorry I’m kind of writing like Charlie but I just feel like it

I decided collectively to delete all of my social media as well as ghosting deeya. I’m pretty sure I’m going there next week. Not to her house but to Ohio. If it comes up i will text her I guess. Also I kinda feel like relapsing… I just got the chills

Maybe I’m just to into my head and I’ll feel better in the morning and maybe I won’t. I’m going to try my hardest to do some self care tomorrow. I think that is the biggest cause for how I feel. I wish I never talked to that boy. He really messed me up and I barely spoke to him! Idk, just messed up my flow. Ik im focusing on the negatives right now but I just want to let it all out

Im also listening to sad songs so its adding onto the sadness yk? I also hate my body but I try to just avoid staring at my self for too long. I’ve been feeling un pretty too. I don’t feel like saying ugly. It’s pretty Kate and I have school in the morning.

I have to make up my English keystones which is embarrassing to even say LOL. But I do because I didn’t take it on the keystone days so I’m just going to take it on the makeup day which is tomorrow. I’m listening to Alex G right now

I do journal on here from time to time. Well not here on my journals app. But I want to start saying it on here because I feel like I am talking to someone and I’m being heard even tho no one will see this. My account is public so it’s still a possibility

I think the book just made me realize how lonely I feel. Just like Charlie. Having no friends does suck. And I’m going to be alone next year. When I graduate and that’s just really sad for me. I always sit alone during pep rally’s and I already hate that so much. I also have social anxiety so I know graduation is going to absolutely suck. Unless I start loving myself and start living freely. Then I won’t care if I get judged. I thought I was at the point but at the end of the day I still care about getting judged

Im getting tired I think I will sleep soon. Also, I’m going to really try to keep this no social media thing going for as long as humanly possible. I want to be done with social media especially tiktok as a whole. I have brain rot from being online so much.

One last thing. My friends birthday is coming up this Friday. I need to make her a bracelet so that’s all I’ll be doing tomorrow. I’ve gotten really close with her and I love being friends with her. Sometimes I’m scared it will get too awkward and then realize I’m not her cup of tea. I feel like I’ve always struggled with friendships tbh. I just came fake it and be bubbly so I’ll just be quiet and go mute basically. I feel like I’ve never reached that level of friendship. It might be good in the beginning but it never last yk?

Well she invited me to her birthday party. It’s next week and I’m nervous to go because her friend group will be there and I don’t know any of them. Only know of them. I’m not sure they’re okay with me even coming. I don’t want to like disturb them or interfere with their friendship and make the party awkward. I’d rather just stay home if that was the case. But, I decided to go for my friend bc I have it out her before me in this case. She invited me so I’ll show up for her. I hope it goes good. Who knows maybe they will be my future best friends. I just hope it goes good. I’m going to be manifesting it.

I’m going to visualize a good day tomorrow and then visualize me connecting to her friends really well and having a good time.

So yeah, that’s all I can think of and have the energy to write. My hands are hurting so. I’m going to be writing on here a lot with the date in front. Tomorrow I will decide when I want to go back to social media or if I want to go back at all. I just want TikTok for the pictures cuz that’s where I take my selfies lol.

Anyways! I have to be up early because I have to shower and get ready for school. Wish me luck on the keystone. I’ll try to write in the morning if I can. I’m sad I will miss class because I want to see my friend ( the girl who’s birthday party I’m going to.

Okay goodnight

going ghost on the world once again

Oh also 2 weeks until school is over yay