i love incense and candles and playing my bass guitar and singing terribly and going on errands while its windy and i love the smell of laundry and maybe i love myself a little. and maybe thats ok
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learning to mind my own buisness is a challenge but it has to be done. twitter had made me feel way too entitled to other people’s lives and experiences.
if you’re reading this, i love you. you can be and do whatever youd like. my thoughts and opinions on a topic should not affect your identity as i can never know how you perceive things & what you have experienced.
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End-of-Splatoon thoughts.
Thinking about how since the very start, Splatoon has had a feature where players can draw and post artwork and spot them as graffiti on walls or billboards. Or how the weapons have always been paint brushes and rollers and ballpoint pens. Since its inception, Splatoon has been dedicated to engaging its players with the act of creation and creative expression, showing them how their art can build communities and (literally) change the world.
Thinking about finding golden human-made music discs buried underground for thousands of years, and a grand finale music festival. About the Voyager Golden Records. About those human handprints etched into concrete in Alterna. Did those human artists know it would end like this? First a fiery death and then, eventually, a worldwide celebration of music to represent our shared past, present, and future. Did they know that their songs, insignificant in the face of extinction, would one day become the solution that will save the next dominant life-form from the same fate?
Thinking about how eerily similar the Octarian domes are to Alterna. About how close Inklings and Octolings were to repeating the same mistakes as humans. But their doomed fates were undone not by some miracle technology or military power or a rocket, but by music.
Thinking about how humans wiped themselves out with war, and our parting gifts were liquid crystals that somehow paired with the DNA of primeval inklings and somehow infused them with our memories and culture and a Song. And 12,000 years in the future, that same Song will end a war.
Thinking about how art and music and punk culture and rock & roll and friendly competition and petty arguments and water guns aren’t uniquely human concepts, but the fundamental qualities of intelligent life. An inheritable spirit that can cross evolutionary bounds.
Thinking about the theme of Splatoon, that art and music and fun will not die with the human race. That every piece of art we create is a seed we sow for future generations to reap. That our legacy is ingrained into the crust of the earth. That long after we’re gone, the oceans will remember, and they’ll pick up where we left off.
Thinking about how Splatoon says that the essence of humanity –– the thing that will outlive us –– isn't war or prejudice or destruction or greed, it's a song.
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hypothesis: vampires are magically vulnerable to light originating from the sun
observation: moonlight has no effect on vampires, despite being a reflection of the sun
conclusion: this aversion is not a result of light or its origin, but some property of sunlight only present in direct contact
hypothesis: vampires are extremely sensitive to uv radiation
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gotta get to therapy
my low self-esteem & unhealthy expectations don't seem to be getting much better. it's so abundantly clear to me that I need to talk to a therapist about how to manage my emotions & transition to a less toxic mentality when it comes to my expectations from monogamous relationships. I'm so ashamed of & frustrated by my feelings of jealousy & possessiveness, and I want desperately to do just completely get rid of such unhealthy and controlling thoughts. i'm trying to be compassionate towards my past & present self, but it's so hard not to be angry & embarrassed by my shitty toxic feelings! It hurts so bad but i gotta just keep reminding myself that just bc it hurts doesn't mean that it's ok for me to hold onto unhealthy beliefs & mindsets. growth is supposed to sometimes feel uncomfortable, but can be necessary for self-improvement. right? it's so scary to consider even letting go of these knee-jerk reactions to what my insecurities & jealousies view as acts of "betrayal". i'm scared of feeling more hurt & shame! it's also hard to just physically calm my body back down when i try to allow myself to feel my bad feelings (in order to acknowledge & dispel them), because i start crying & shaking & i can't fill my lungs fully when i try to take a deep breath, or exhale fully, etc., so i just end up hyperventilating and spiraling. i really believe i need a therapist to guide me through this process, bc i feel such a lack of control over my own thoughts and feelings. it's really upsetting.. & i feel so guilty & ashamed bc i've been avoiding dealing with this for so many years now. & it's my own responsibility to address these unhealthy thoughts. i really have no excuse for not going to therapy. i should 100% go to my insurance provider's website and start looking through the list of therapists who are covered, and just schedule an appointment before i lose my nerve. (the problem is that if it's virtual/over-the-phone, idk where i'd go so that i wouldn't be overheard. but that's just another reason to go see one in person)
even if i'm not able to solve my ~fricking issues~ on the first visit, at least i'll be able to lessen some of this excruciating guilt & shame by at least making an attempt to stop being a possessive sh!tty freak
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mentally I'm still here:
Nico insisting that neither of them are going to be sacrificed/left behind to satisfy the prophecy is a perfect encapsulation of his growth over the series and it makes me SO soft to think about
Nico as a character - particularly in BoO - doesn't have a lot of self-preservation. He doesn't really care what happens to him as long as the mission gets done. We see this most explicitly after he almost fades into nothingness after the Bryce Lawrence incident:
And again when he considers shadow travelling into Octavian's tent to assassinate him:
(Nico himself notes here that it was unlikely he would survive another jump. If Will hadn't stopped him, he probably would have died.)
In both cases, Nico was willing to risk death for the sake of ending the war. He puts very little value on his own life, and repeatedly argues to Reyna, Hedge, and Will that the possibility of saving camp (a place he never felt welcome at, might I add) is worth the risk of losing his life.
Even before Nico went on the quest with Reyna and Hedge, the others were concerned about his safety. Percy tried to remind him how unpredictable his shadow travelling could be, and Hazel notes that he has been acting strangely lately:
It's not quite clear what Hazel is worried about here, but my interpretation of this scene is that she's concerned that Nico isn't thinking - or perhaps, isn't caring - about what effect the constant shadow travelling will have on his wellbeing. Between Tartarus, the jar, and the Cupid incident, Nico's mental state is at its worst at this point in the series, and I think Hazel is worried he'll do something reckless - something he can't come back from.
And so in TSATS, when Nico is told that he's going to have to leave something of equal value behind in order to save Bob, the old him would have had zero issue sacrificing himself if that's what it took to ensure Will and Bob's survival. This version of Nico, who's been going to therapy w/ Mr D and opening up more and built a little support system for himself, can't fathom it.
Nico in BoO did not have a future. He had fully convinced himself that nobody cared about him or would miss him if he was gone - not Percy who fought for him at every turn in PJO, not his sister Hazel, not his new friends Jason and Reyna. He was ready to leave both camps behind because he couldn't see himself ever being happy there. He couldn't see himself being happy at all.
But now, in TSATS, he has a boyfriend that he loves, he has friends that he loves, and he has a community in Camp Half-Blood. He has experienced so much loss that losing someone else is his worst fear. The old Nico would have considered sacrificing himself to protect Will and Bob. At the very least, he would have kept that option in his back pocket as a 'just in case'; he wouldn't have sworn on the Styx that he wouldn't stay behind.
This Nico, however, is doing much better - not perfect, but better. He loves Will, and he wants a life with him, and he's not willing to give that up for anything. Nico has hope for the future, and he's clinging to that hope with everything he has. He sees a light at the end of the tunnel, and he wants to reach it. He's not willing to sacrifice himself because it means losing that future.
Gone is the cynical pessimistic Nico who assumes the worst because the worst is all he thinks he can have. Here is the Nico who has had a taste of happiness and is willing to fight to keep it. He's not going to sacrifice himself because he wants to live. He's not just fighting for Will here; he's fighting for himself too.
And seeing him go from "if it kills me, it kills me" to "it's not going to be me" makes me so ASDFGHJKL
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