#trying to get my stuff back lol. but anyway our base was underground and we each had our own little rooms

[straightyuri]

underground rooms without the walls made into wood makes me feel really nostalgic in a way that makes me feel weird too BUT I know what causes that one at least

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 297: We’re Bustin’ Outta This Joint

Previously on BnHA: Horikoshi did his best to undo all of the good vibes from the Girl Power arc by killing off Midnight. It sucks and I still don’t like it, but it is what it is. Unfortunately, Not Killing Off Your One Female Teacher Character With Any Character Development was worth 30% of his grade for the semester, so it brought his average down all the way to a C-, and so he and his report card will just have to live with that. Meanwhile Ochako did some rescuing, and the other U.A. kids lay around unconscious and/or traumatized. The chapter ended with an abrupt cut to Tartarus, where AFO is apparently just chilling and waiting for the Nearly High Ends to come bust him free. What kind of a cliffhanger is that to leave your fans hanging on for three whole weeks. Who’s suffering more here, the characters or the readers.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “okay I know you all want to know what happens to Deku and Shouto and the rest, but have you considered finding out what happens to Overhaul and Muscular and Moonfish and New Girl Character instead?” Fandom is all, “you had us at New Girl Character.” Seiji’s dad is all, “I’m just going to say a bunch of stuff to help make sure none of the readers feel conflicted about cheering on a bunch of mass murderers escaping from prison.” Tomura is all, “dammit AFO why are you still here.” AFO is all, “shhh, Tomura, go back to sleep.” Tomura is all, “wtf but you’re literally hijacking my body and continuing to shred it to bits while we break into BnHA Alcatraz to recruit your own personal Suicide Squad.” AFO is all, “:).” Real!AFO is all, “HERE I AM, EVERYONE, SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.” And then the chapter ends. Geez.

oh shit lol it’s a whole big fucking page all about Tartarus

my very first thought was “that’s a long-ass fucking bridge”, and then I went to go google “longest bridges”, and Wikipedia was all “son there are literally a hundred and fifty bridges in the real world longer than 5km, and the longest one is actually 165km”, and I was all “oh shit I really don’t know jack shit about bridges.” then I looked at the list for a few more minutes and realized that the super-long bridges were all built over land, and that the longest bridge over water is only 38km. which is way more reasonable, but also still really fucking long though?? ngl I would freak the fuck out on that bridge. what does any of this have to do with Tartarus you ask?? absolutely nothing, I literally forgot I was reading a chapter for a sec lol uh

anyway, my parting thought on the bridge is that it kind of defeats the whole purpose of having a giant island fortress prison, but whatever. moving on

and the six levels thing is straight out of One Piece lol. something tells me BnHA’s prison break arc isn’t going to be quite as fun. hmm

so now we’re cutting to “the Bronze Gate”, which is the main entrance off of the bridge, and some goat-looking motherfucker is out here trying to become my new favorite character. bro

SON OF A BITCH WHAT’S WITH THE BULLETS FLYING IN THE BACKGROUND. DON’T TELL ME THEY’RE SHOOTING AT GYGES. THEY CAN’T KILL OFF MY FRESHEST HOMIE GYGES. SURELY THEY WOULDN’T

ooh and now, giant robots!

giant robots with machine guns. “I’m very sorry I killed off Midnight, makeste” you know what, fuck you Horikoshi. thinking you can buy my affections back so easily

does Gyges have six arms??? look how fucking calm he is announcing the code red security lockdown, holy shit. GYGES

NOOOO

NO NOT BRIAREUS. THIS DAY EXACTS A HEAVY TOLL

YO, WHAT

he came there himself?? so much for making the Noumus do his dirty work. and based on the speech bubble shape and font, this is still AFO talking

uh oh what’s happening

is he using Decay or is his arm just sort of crumbling to pieces because he hasn’t had time to heal up yet? if it’s the former this prison break is going to set a record for shortest arc yet isn’t it

now we’re cutting to B10 which is apparently the lowest level. but do they mean lowest as in the least security, or lowest as in the deepest underground, a.k.a. the most security? idk it’s confusing and I think they should be more specific. is it B like in basement?? are there six levels or ten?? stupid Tartarus

anyway so the guards are talking about how Gigantomachia is scheduled to arrive tomorrow morning. heh. will there even be a Tartarus tomorrow morning

(ETA: WELL, UH.)

wow they’re talking about just killing him outright. damn

I kinda feel like “prison guard” is one of those jobs that just sort of naturally attracts shitty people. anyways yeah, Seiji your dad is a real piece of work

and he’s even doubling down on it after the other guy repeatedly keeps trying to hush him up. dude we get it, you’re an asshole

ooh and now we’re getting an interesting look at the various prisoners, some of whom look suspiciously familiar!

for starters, that’s definitely Moonfish in the upper left corner, I’m like 99% sure. not quite clear who that is across from him in the upper right, but it’s been a hot minute since we saw Muscular, so maybe?

and could that be Overhaul in the panel beneath him?? they’re not showing his face so I assume it’s someone we’d recognize, and he’s the only currently-incarcerated villain with that haircut as far as I can recall. though it seems weird that he’s not restrained more given his quirk. I thought Horikoshi mentioned in Ultra Analysis that he’d gotten it back somehow. eh well we will wait for answers

I don’t recognize the person to his left either (though she has an oddly familiar look to her?). but the person on the bottom right, next to Kurogiri... is it Stain?? the hair and body language are sure giving off Stain vibes. if someone had told the me from two years ago that I’d actually be excited to see Stain again I would have said you were full of shit. and yet here we are. these sure are interesting times

anyway so now the Code Red intruder alarm is blaring. and I gotta say, that one scene sure was effective at killing any sympathy I might have been inclined to feel for these guards lol. bring on the imminent massacre

“what horrible timing” lol yes. it’s almost as if they planned it that way

uh oh

is he omae wa shindeiruing. watch your six, Mr. Prison Guard

oh shit

WHAT DID I SAY. WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY. but nooo, you all were all, “but a bridge is more convenient!” VERY WELL THEN, LIE IN THE BED THAT YOU HAVE MADE

anyway so it’s the High Ends lol. I mean we already knew it was them. let’s just get on with it

omfg Tomura ARE YOU RIDING ONE

WHAT ARE YOU, A NAZGUL. WHY IS THIS MY FAVORITE THING

and it looks like it actually is Tomura again, too (as opposed to AFOmura)

-- is he using Decay on himself?? is that what it is?? or no wait, is this just more of the weird side effect shit that’s been happening since he Awakened. actually yeah never mind that’s clearly what it is

y’all this man is out here having a full blown argument with himself

so this is equal parts compelling and hilarious to me right now lol. like I feel so bad for Tomura, but I also lowkey want to see how far this escalates. like do you think he’d go as far as to punch himself in the face. where will this journey lead us

fucking look at this shit

other people have already mentioned this, but with this scene especially it makes me really curious how they’re going to show this in the anime. will it be AFO’s voice coming out of Tomura’s mouth? or Tomura’s voice using AFO’s speech patterns? more importantly, will it be cool and dramatic, or will it actually wind up being hilarious? or both?? never count out both

also he’s looking pretty good there in that bottom panel with his one eye just barely visible. that doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but here I am, pointing it out

also also, lol at Tomura being all, “the fuck do you mean, ‘rest’, you’re the one that dragged my body out here to raid a fucking prison,” and AFO being all, “oh yeah, lol, true true, but I meant rest after that.” yes, this man clearly has nothing but the purest intentions, Tomura. trustworthy af

this fucking guy. Tomura is your bullshit radar finally operational yet?? can you see yet that it was always his intention to use you right from the very start?? oh man I am starting to get fidgety now listening to this

so Tomura’s saying he doesn’t just want to be used as a chess piece. and AFO is all, “well okay but what if it’s a VERY NICE AND IMPORTANT chess piece.” bro DID HE STUTTER

-- AHH BUT NEVER MIND THAT, HERE IT IS, THIS IS WHERE THE FUN STARTS OMG

GO ON AND ACQUIRE THEM THEN! omg. why am I so fucking excited. it seriously makes no sense. like seriously, ‘hooray, our old buddies, Overhaul and Stain!!’ -- come again now?? who is this person that I have become

meanwhile AFO is making all this fuss and I really don’t understand it though

why would you need to plow directly through the building. why can’t you just use doors like a normal person. it’s not like they can lock you out, like hello, you can literally turn anything you touch into dust, what’s with all the melodrama

anyway so he’s apparently hitting the prison with some sort of EMP attack now and shutting down all their systems

omg the suspense is killing me. this is going to be so badass once it’s animated, but right now all I keep thinking is “YES, GREAT, CAN WE PLEASE JUST MOVE IT ALONG”

the doors are opening ahhhhhhh come on come on come on let’s go let’s get to the excitement already

now the guards are running over to try and regain control. but, like

yeah that’s pretty much how I’m expecting the rest of this to go basically

so now they’re shooting at the dust cloud lol. well if there’s one thing movies have taught me, it’s that bad guys who wait inside clouds of dust while panicked cops blindly rain bullets at them until they run out of ammo are basically invincible lol. soooooo

OHHHHH SHIT

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. THEY ARE SO FUCKED LOL, SHIT

YEP, AND HERE’S ANOTHER ONE

is this the first time we’ve seen Moonfish’s face? I feel like we might have caught a glimpse of it before on an omake page or something. either way, it wasn’t anything I actually needed to see again. thanks...?? I guess??

okay but seriously, are we supposed to actually know who this badass lady is?? like I don’t know her but I feel like I know her, you feel?

(ETA: lol there are already like 60 different theories about how she’s related to every single character in the series. will be interesting to see if anything comes of this. although we did just get three “this villain was secretly related to [insert character(s) here] all along” reveals just in the last arc, so idk, it might be better if we pass on it this time lol.)

girl who are you. please stick around. for the love of god don’t let this man kill you off too

????

wait so is this Overhaul? boy sure has seen better days huh. but the floppy sleeves... yeah, it’s gotta be him

anyway so then the only ones missing are Stain and Kurogiri, yes?? omg. and one page left to go

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO CONVINCE ME HE COULDN’T HAVE DONE THIS SHIT RIGHT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING. FUCKING TIME-BIDING DRAMA QUEEN

AND HE’S JUST FLOATING HIS LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM ALONG BEHIND HIM SOB. THIS FUCKING GUY

AND IS HE JUST ABSENTMINDEDLY DRAGGING SOME POOR SCHLUB’S CORPSE ALONG BESIDE HIM LIKE A SLEEPY TODDLER CARRYING THEIR TEDDY BEAR. I FUCKING CAN’T. REST IN PEACE, FRIEND. GIVE MY REGARDS TO GOOD OLD BRIAREUS

so that’s it! and we still don’t have any idea what AFO is actually planning to do now, after all of that. are they going to merge bodies?? or is he going to try to switch with him?? either way Tomura’s body has to be part of the plan somehow since he keeps making so much of a fuss over it. flkhglkhlk. dammit I need answers lol

[beckydoesthings]

I spend far too much time on AO3 to let it all go to waste, so here’s a collection of ABO fics that I thoroughly enjoy. These are all hxl unless specified otherwise. I tried to condense my total list into one post, but I very quickly realized it would be waaaaay too long, so I split it up. 

*will continue to update this. also if i mistagged an author, i deeply apologize, i do not know how to tumblr*

sleeping on our problems

E | 67k | @falsegoodnight

I’m in love with you, Louis thinks. He feels empty, weighed down by his sadness and the loss of Harry inside him just moments ago before his knot finally went down.  There’s moments where he’s sure Harry feels the same. Like now, when he’s gazing down at Louis with so much adoration and tenderness. It’s like they’re both on the cusp of something more, but neither of them ever say a word. His confession is on the tip of his tongue ready to slide out like honey, and yet he remains silent. They both do, looking at each other and recognizing the reluctance mirrored in each other’s eyes. It’s then that Louis realizes they’re both scared. - Or Louis sleeps with Harry and they have more than just catching feelings to worry about.

this is everything i’ve ever wanted in an ABO fic and i’m genuinely in love with this. i think i cried reading this lol and i’m not ashamed of it. also the smut!

A Distant Hazy Light

E | 198k | @greenfeelings

Life’s pretty ordinary for Harry. He lives with his best friend, got into university just like he’s planned, and manages to support himself just fine for an unbonded omega. If he sustains that lifestyle by getting paid to help alphas through their rut every now and then, that’s nothing to be hung up on. Until he’s hired by an alpha that turns everything upside down.

Or, Harry’s working on taking Louis’ walls down, until he builds his own up.

this is part one of a three part ABO series that also probably made me cry at some point. chock full of angst and heartbreak with an (eventual) happy ending. also the side ziam is just *chef’s kiss*. 

pray for some sweet simplicity

E | 237k | @eeveelou

Louis is the only omega to ever make it in the cut-throat world of competitive motorcycle racing—that is, he would be if anyone actually knew about his identity. Now, his sights are set towards competing in—and winning—the European Grand Prix, the biggest and most difficult race of the entire year, so he can disappear underground for good. He’s close enough, too, until an alpha sports journalist is assigned to follow Louis’s every move as he prepares for the event of his career.

Or, an AU where motorcycle racing is the biggest sport in a heavily divided world, Louis is trying to take control of his own destiny, and Harry is in for more than he bargained for.

it’s just so beautiful. their relationship development was soooo good and i adored reading this piece. i never thought i could enjoy a motorcycle racing story so much!

A Sea Without Water, A Compass Without Direction

T | 84k

”Tell me, Louis,” Captain Styles said, leaning forward a little. ”D’you think I’m an idiot?”

”I—what?” Louis asked, surprised by the blunt question. He had expected something different, something along the lines of how he learned music, or how he ended up as a prisoner on the other ship.

”Do you think I’m an idiot?” The captain repeated, putting emphasis on each word as though Louis couldn’t understand him otherwise.

”Of course not,” Louis said, shaking his head. He’d be a fool for thinking such a thing, and an even bigger fool for saying it out loud. ”Captain.”

Captain Styles nodded slowly, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands in his lap. ”Then why did you lie to me?”

”L-Lie?”

”Out on the deck. You lied to me,” he said. He held up his hand, three fingers up. ”Three lies total. I hate liars.”

i think i’ve read this like a dozen times and it’s still. so. good. probably the first pirate fic i read and i love it so much! the dynamic between them is awesome to read.

Seeing Blind

E | 46k | @that-idiot-overthere

Louis finally turns his head in Liam’s direction, knows his face is showing the longing he’s been aching with ever since it took root in his chest. “What the fuck do I do, Liam? He wouldn’t want me like that, but I want-” his voice cracks, and he turns his face back downwards. “What do you do when you’re not perfect for the person who’s perfect for you?”

OR the one where Harry’s an independent omega who likes to have his fun and Louis is the blind alpha that changes Harry’s priorities.

the smut in this fic is absolutely filthy and i love it ;). but watching the two boys be idiots in love made this fic for me.

The Space Between

E | 40k | @alltheselights

Harry Styles is the alpha rockstar who can’t sleep and doesn’t know why.

Louis Tomlinson is the omega PhD student who helps him figure it out.

i wanted to smack harry the entire time i was reading this, but in a cool way obviously. it’s quite fluffy but it’s got enough angst to make it suspenseful.

Face Your Fears

E | 92k | @sadaveniren

Harry is a single father, pretending to be a beta after his alpha mated him and left him. He’s getting by just fine raising the twins when Louis walks into his bakery. Too bad him and Louis will never be a thing.

this fic is a rollercoaster of emotions from beginning to end and it’s amazing to read. i’m not sure what i love more, the fact that harry’s a baker or half the plot being based around wikipedia being false.

The Compulsion to Find Love

E | 140k | @toomanydreamers

The most prestigious English third-level institution, Candling University, accepts omega students for the first time and Louis Tomlinson applies with bright eyes and brighter ambitions. There he encounters personal obstacles, traditional mindsets and a beautiful boy who inverts every prejudice Louis has ever known.

it is quite a lengthy story but totally worth it. i adore louis’ fierce determination in this! 

We Both Got Nothing to Hide

E | 43k 

“Talk to me, Lou.”

“I can’t,” Louis mumbled, knowing he genuinely couldn’t say it. He couldn’t admit to what he was doing. “Don’t ask me to say it, because I can’t.”

“Then… I’ll try and guess. You’ve… got some stuff of Harry’s. Something of his to make it smell like him?”

Louis just nodded, eyes fixated on the floor. This was humiliating, but he knew Zayn wouldn’t stop until he found out what was going on.

“Okay. Like… a blanket, or a comforter or something?”

“Kind of…”

//

Omega Louis has a secret nest. Alpha Harry keeps losing his clothes.

personal favorite because i have a soft spot for nesting. but i love the relationship between the two and it’s. so. fluffy i could melt.

lemon eyes

E | 50k

It's not proper for omegas to mess around with alphas before finding their bondmate. But Harry doesn't give a damn what's proper and fully intends on getting as much experience as he can before even trying to find one. As far as he's concerned, the right alpha won't care, and he'll have some fun on the way.

And who better to start with than Louis Tomlinson, the alpha with the worst reputation on campus?

ah yes a fic where Louis is an alpha and both are versatile?? wack. anyways, the smut in this is awesome and harry’s an idiot. what’s new?? (jkjk)

A Taste of Desire

E | 104k | @casuallyhl

“As forward as I have been with you this evening, I am also aware this dinner party isn’t the place to conduct business.” Mr. Tomlinson chuckles quietly to himself, shooting a subtle glance across the table towards their hostess. “And besides, I am sure our hostess would be horribly disappointed to learn that we went away this evening with a business agreement and not a mating one.”

Harry, who had been sipping his wine, coughs harshly at this. He splutters, unaccustomed to such blatant statements about mating.

Mr. Tomlinson continues to laugh quietly, clearly pleased at Harry’s reaction.

“Mrs. Humphreys promised that there was an alpha attending the dinner tonight that I would certainly get on well with,” Mr. Tomlinson continues, voice teasing. “She assured me that we would have much in common since we both work with mills.” Mr. Tomlinson glances at Harry, eyes flashing with mirth. “Little did she know that would be where our mutual interests began and ended.”

Or, a Victorian ABO where Harry is the owner of the most successful cotton mill in Manchester, and Louis is an opinionated social activist about to disrupt Harry’s world.

one of my favorite historical AUs! i love how strong and opinionated Louis is and how Harry comes round to follow. 

Canyon Moon

E | 40k | @eeveelou

For as long as Louis has remembered, he has been promised to be mated to Harry, his best friend and the future pack alpha. But Louis’s heart belonged to the forest and to the hunt more than he could ever imagine it belonging to Harry.

Then Harry’s father dies in a violent accident, and Louis’s future alpha disappears on the wind.

An A/B/O Lion King AU

disney AUs are the shit! i’ve got a small love for werewolf fics and this is one of my favorites. love how this takes the story of lion king for a spin.

Quiet People Have the Loudest Minds

M | 38k | @2tiedships2

Broadway shows were one of the few things that could keep Louis’ attention for a full two hours without needing to move about. But not tonight.

The alpha next to him was both infuriating him and practically turning him on at the same time. He needed to leave. The alpha, that is. Louis was staying.

Or the one where Louis is a nonverbal omega who has accepted the fact that he will never find an alpha that will treat him as an equal. On the other hand, he’s never met anyone like Harry.

i love how just sappy and sweet this is, like there are just hearts pouring out of my eyes as i read this. also broadway!

*updated 2/15/21*

[tsipasce]

Same Difference Ch. 13

A/N: sorry for the late upload for anyone following, I’ve been pretty lax on uploading on here bc of the low interaction with these posts (I think like 3 people read this, maybe lol). But I’m going to try and upload them here just in case. 

Chapters: 01  |  02 |  03 |  04 | 05  | 06 | 07 | 08 |  09 |  10 |  11 | 12

AO3 | FFN

 “We need to talk. Now.”

“Yes. That’s why we’re on the phone.”

“We don’t have time for games today. You need to come to the base immediately.”

She’d recognize that “not now, Nanami” tone anywhere. Whatever it was, it was serious. Switching gears mentally to brace for the impending shitstorm, she exhaled,” Give me 30 minutes.”

“20.”

“What? That’s not even realisti—” she stopped, hearing the phone click. Rolling her eyes, she watched her friend exit the post office and walk over to the car.

“So, I say we go to that new brunch place first and then—wait what’s wrong?” Hitomi pivoted recognizing her friend was much less enthused than when she’d left. Nanami turned to her, an apologetic look on her face. “The hospital has you on-call again, huh?”

“Duty calls, sadly.” She felt bad about lying, but knew she’d feel worse if Hitomi got caught up in her mess. “Though I don’t know how long it’ll take so we might be able to salvage the day.”

“No, it’s ok, I understand. Take your time, we can always hang tomorrow or later in the week. When do you need to be there?”

“… in 20 minutes.”

“That’s unrealistic.”

“That’s what I tried to tell hi—I mean them, but it’s an emergency. Mind dropping me off at my house?”

“You got it. I’ll drive, you watch for cops.” Before Nanami could protest, Hitomi screeched out of the parking lot and back down the road they came.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Waving bye to her friend, Nanami hurriedly grabbed her keys and work bag just in case the talk carried over to lab work. Running down to her car, she sped over to the base, basically rolling out of the car when she arrived as there were only 5 minutes to spare. Hearing a noise, she reflexively turned to look but continued running forward. Suddenly she felt herself run into a solid figure as she bounced back, falling onto her soon-to-be-late keester. Regaining her bearings, she looked up and saw an older gentleman in traditional attire, his hair slicked back and his face serious.

“Oh my gosh I am so sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going,” she apologized, giving him an earnest look.

He paused for a beat before giving her a kind smile, offering his hand to help her up, “That’s alright miss, no need to apologize. Where are you off to in such a hurry anyway?”

Crap, how do I get out of this one… she strategized inwardly on how to answer the question discreetly without sounding rude. “Oh nowhere, I just have to… make a house call! I’m a doctor, and my patient’s a massive germaphobe; very needy, you see.” She laughed awkwardly, hoping he bought it.

At her last comment, she could’ve sworn she saw a look of recognition flash across his face, but figured it was her imagination. “Oh, I see. Well he’s a lucky man to have you. As such an attentive caretaker, I mean. I won’t hold you up any longer, have a nice day Dr… what did you say your name was?”

“I didn’t.” She smiled, “You have a nice day too!” She said as she continued her jog to the base. She looked back to see him waving, returning it as she rounded the corner. Well that was close.

Once at the front gate, the door opened before she knocked, an irritated Overhaul waiting on the other side. “What took you so long. I said 20.”

“And I was going to say that was unrealistic before you rudely hung up on me. Besides, I would’ve actually gotten here on time if not for your friendly neighbors. I don’t know how the HOA of this neighborhood decided to let you of all people in. Everyone else seems so nice.” She pouted.

“What are you rambling about?”

“Your neighbor? I ran into an old man outside—I didn’t tell him where I was going or why I was here, obviously—but he seemed nice, if not a tad nosey.”

At this she saw him pause, “… What did he say to you?” The question much meeker than the last.

“Uhm, I bumped into him by accident, so he just asked where I was going, told me to have a nice day... oh! Also, how lucky you are to have me. You know, obvious stuff.” His brows raised before she quickly clarified the last statement, “As a doctor! I told him I was your doctor. He was pretty nonchalant about the whole thing.”

Though he donned his usual mask, she could tell his features had softened at whatever he was thinking. She’d even bet there was a small smile forming, but at what she wasn’t sure, “Hm, I see. Well, there’s no use in loitering around, let’s go.”

“Well you’re the one that stopped but ok” she said under her breath. He turned, giving her a warning look as she shrugged, raising her hands in faux surrender.

They continued down the usual pathway in the underground base before reaching his office and passing it, going down a hallway she wasn’t familiar with. It gradually became much darker the further they went, and the air temperature felt as though it had dropped at least 10 degrees, almost causing her to shiver. After what felt like an indefinite amount of time they arrived at a door, but before Overhaul could reach the handle, it opened, a panicked Kurono standing in the doorway.

“He had a pill.”

Looking past him, Nanami could see the assailant from the night before. Though he was savagely beaten, it was apparent he’d killed himself with whatever pill was hidden in his mouth as foam was formed around it, his body still going through its final convulsions. Working in a large hospital, she’d seen her fair share of people dying, but to say it got any easier would be a half-truth. The vision was familiar, but it was still unpleasant, no matter who it was. In contrast, Overhaul seemed irritated for a second before realizing something and returning to his stoic expression.

“No matter, we got all we needed from him anyway. Follow me,” he directed at her as he left the room and Kurono to dispose of the body. Nanami somberly followed, mentally giving the man a moment of silence. Whatever happened, she knew the importance of remaining objective in the presence of death. There might come a time when she’d make some bad decisions herself—to put it ever so lightly— and she hoped whoever was there in her last moments wouldn’t relish in her death either. They arrived at the door of his office, the clicking of the handle rousing her from her thoughts. He sat down across from her on one couch as she sat on the other, now feeling a bit out of place in her casual attire.

“It seems you have a price on your head.”

“Hm?” Nanami squeaked, her face that of disbelief.

“The lackeys that tried to take you were sent by the head of the Okumura clan, a rival organization. He seems sure you have a unique ability and learning of our partnership only seemed to confirm this.”

“Bu…But I was so careful. I don’t talk to anyone about us, I take weird routes every time I come here, I always use the burner ph—“ she began frantically before he cut in.

“You were not at fault for this. One of the new recruits was abducted. He didn’t know much, but he gave enough information to pique their interest.”

“And what happened to him?”

He was surprised at the question, but answered anyway, “He was set free after the questioning.”

“Well where is he now? Maybe he can tell us something useful about them and what else they want.”

“He’s no longer with us.”

“… Like he quit?”

“…”

“Overhaul.”

“… As I said, he’s no longer with us.” They stared at each other, Nanami now knowing the “snitches get stitches” saying to be only half true. Something tells me stiches wouldn’t help him now… She sighed, his blank expression unwavering as he continued, “Also, there is no ‘us’ when it comes to you and I and the Okumura. You will stay here until this problem is solved.”

“I’m gonna do what now?”

“You heard me. Your apartment is no longer safe. Considering they probably expected to see their men return last night with you captured, they will undoubtedly send more to finish the job.”

She opened her mouth to speak before closing it again. She knew it wasn’t safe to stay at her place, but staying at the base was just a lot, especially if her assumption about not being able to leave was correct. “Ok, but I have work and a life. Am I just supposed to hide here and put all that on hold?”

“Would you rather put it on hold or have it all end?”

“…That’s not fair.”

“Most things aren’t.”

She shifted in her seat biting her lip, realizing she was losing the argument. Every counter she came up with she mentally shot down before speaking it. I could stay at Hitomi’s house? No, they’d just follow me there and attack her too, or worse… I could stay at home and defend my place? Except they wouldn’t stop coming. My place would be trashed and then the neighbors would find out...I could...

“I could go in myself and get them. It’s my head they’re after, I’ll just have to convince them it’s not worth the trouble.”

He gave her a pitiable look, knowing the suggestion was equal parts blind bravery and desperation, “Your training with Rappa has made you a capable fighter, but are you really prepared to kill another person, permanently? Dozens of them? Simply maiming them wouldn’t be enough, they’d keep coming until…” He paused as he saw her look down in defeat, her fists clenched in her lap, her jaw tightening. She was angry—mad as hell—but she knew he was right. She was a fighter, not a killer, and no amount of training could change that overnight. She knew the logical solution to the problem, but her nature wouldn’t allow her to solve it. Seated across from her, his head tilted as he gazed at her pensively. Overhaul couldn’t figure out why but seeing her so upset was… unpleasant. He wanted nothing more than to make it stop, though the motivation behind the action remained a mystery. “Dr. Watanabe,” He continued slightly softer than before, her fists unclenching for a moment at the change in tone, “Your strengths lie elsewhere. Strategically, it makes the most sense for you to be here. It will only be for two weeks.”

“Two weeks?” Nanami could tell he was trying, but the frustration with the situation lingered. Attempting to calm herself and accept reality, she finally managed to respond,” Can I at least get my stuff first?”

“Yes, but let’s be quick about it.”

“’Let’s?”

“You didn’t really think you were going alone, did you?”

“No!... Well, yes. Fine, let’s go.”

[throwing-summers-at-the-walls]

Hi, i hope you are feeling good! Im better than yesterday so i can finally answer you. First of all: i am so happy that you shared your fanfiction! i had a great time reading it! Im always open for more recs. Maybe your all time favorites? Or if you know some good h/c these are always welcome :) And YESSS please send me a link to your fanvids. -- yeah 13rw was super cursed. haha i also watched season 1 but thankfully i was able to sto watching becaue i could feel it making me feel bad (1)

I agree the suicide scene was just cringe (but i think i remember reading somewhere that they cut it out? idk) and overall this show just gave me the feeling that there was no hope and things are always getting worse instead of better and i hated that. but enough of that cursed show. can i just say i really admire how open you are about your feelings (like being suicidal and that) i realy, really admire this about you. i have so much respect for you that you can just share your feelings here (2)

I have never heard of ace attorney but that story you described sounds really good. and i get reading sth that isnt good for you and still doing it (because im a dumb bitch too :D) -- okay i might accept that Root will never grow on you (but i thought so too and look at me now :D) but i havent fully given up yet :)-- yes thats the girl. i think it was really sweet when she said that to Shaw. and i think Shaw appreciated it that someone tried to figure her out instead of just writting her off (3)

Shaw is really cool and definately also a badass and in combination with John its just great! but you will have to suffer trough some Shoot.  but maybe, maybe you will end up not hating Root. hope dies last (idk how the saying goes in english, sorry). -- Did you ever ship Caresse (in a romantic way)? cause sometimes i do and sometimes i dont and i get so confused about it :) but i think most of the time i like them more as friends. anyway her death really sucked and you are right with (4)

her death and them losing the library it felt like a different show (i mean i guess it was a different show then). i kinda get your feelings about the destroyed library because i also really loved it (and im really bad with change) but i dont think it affected me as much as you. but yeah i still missed the library very much. and while the subway is a really cool new place its not the same. (also the subway is super dark cause its underground and idk it just makes the whole thing less homey) (5)

Yes he is everything! such a great, interesting character and i wish there were more John-centric episodes! (like ones that explored his character more). that was one of my biggest dislikes of the later seasons that John wasnt featured as much anymore. i think he chuckled a few times in the show but a real laugh? i cant remember one :(  -- He did promise Joss to talk to Tyler so @show were is that talk? -- if seen the vid its awesome! thehiddenmemory has some great poi vids! (6)

yes i think so too. Like Grace would probably be relived and thankful that Harold is still alive and maybe they would even try again but eventually she would figure out that she cant trust him after lying to him for so long or sth like that and Harold would ofc realize that he is in love with someone else now. And then he finds out that John is still alive but stayed away cause he didnt want to get in the way of Harold/Grace. But then Harold comes back. And when they meet again John is like (7)

you came back for the machine? what about Grace. But Harold tells him he came back for John not the machine and then they kiss and have a happy live with Bear (sorry i got a little carried away here :D). -- Yeah Zoe is really hot and she needed more screen time! -- i hope you have a good day and i hope i havent messed up the numbers on the asks! :)

Hi ! I'm finally free from the resits, I hope you're doing okay with your thesis 💛

Sorry for replying late, there was the exam resits, and I read a bunch of fics, then I fell into pokémon and started bingewatching it. (Also I had a breakdown during therapy today so I'm gonna finish writing my answer to distract myself - it's been sitting in my drafts for so long rip)

Thank you !! It was a very personal thing, I'm really happy you liked it !! Your support and your comment made me thrive 💛💛

Tbh I was surprised to see it get kudos given that the only intended audience was my self projecting ass 🤣

So, my fav fics (my fav fic ever is in French, rip to y'all bc it's so good):

I am, I am, I am by RavenWhitecastle

Actually check the entire series this work belongs to: The Sinner and the Saint. I haven't finished it yet but I love it (I just skipped the explicit fics bc I don't like smut or sub!John)

Breaking All The Rules by talkingtothesky

Outsider Perspective by Neery

A Really Private Person by astolat

Hamartia (the hero's fatal flaw) by astolat

If Only for Tonight by spacemutineer

From Here, Where? by AKMars

Stroll by TheaNishimori

and the world was gone by lunarcorvid

a light that never goes out by vindicatedtruth

Limitations. by Michaelssw0rd

Reel you in and spit you out by Michaelssw0rd

All I Want For Christmas Is You by richmahogany

By What Power I Am Made Bold by brinnanza

Aftershocks by darringtons

At Certain Hours It All Breaks Down by nogoaway

construction of a kingdom by the_ragnarok

You Take Me Higher Than I've Gone by talkingtothesky

All Together Now by beadedslipper

I'll Let the Waters Still by brinnanza

Birthday Tradition by talkingtothesky

Things My Father Taught Me by KRyn

Truth is in the Eye of the Beholder by infiniteeight

Better Luck This Time by Lisztful

Motivations by JenNova

What's On the Table by cortue

In Another Life by Della19

I Thought We Already Were by talkingtothesky

Misunderstandings by thisstarvingartist

This is already fucking long omg so for the h/c: my bookmarks filtered with Rinch and h/c

Here's my playlist, it's mostly Rinch, but there are a few not Rinch vids, plus some scenes I like

This is long enough already, so it's time for a read more. Also, warning, we be talking about suicide

The portrayal of suicide is cringe most of the time anyway. If my suicidal ass can find a list of suicide methods and their lethality in 2 mins on Google you'd think writers who are supposed to do some research would be able to find them too but no they're like "ah yes slicing wrists" even though it's literally the shittiest method 🙄 (I just don't understand why slicing wrists seems to be such a popular method in the collective imagination ? It's weird.) At least in 13rw she took aspirin and cut herself vertically instead of horizontally but still, no hesitation wounds, and she dies even though she only got 4 wounds iirc ? I know more about jumping off bridges than slicing wrists, but it kinda sounds like bullshit to me. Also Netflix once suggested "beyond the reasons" to me, it's a sort of discussion with the cast and crew of 13rw and the only thing I remember is a moment of intellectual masturbation abt how they "opened a discussion abt suicide" 😬😬😬

They may have cut it out it's not impossible, idk I didn't hear about it, but it's not like I look for info about this dumpster fire lol. Maybe they faced backlash ? Wouldn't be surprised given how shit the show was. And yeah it has a hopeless vibe, I mean that's how it be when you're suicidal, but I didn't like it either.

You're sweet 💜💜 it's interesting that you find it respectable or admirable, I don't have an external point of view, so I'm just like 🤷 it is what it is. I understand where you're coming from though, I guess it's still quite a taboo subject, and suicidal people don't always feel comfortable talking about it, so me throwing around that I jumped off a bridge must be surprising. I'm detached enough from my suicide attempt that I'm able to talk about it without much of a problem, and I'm not really suicidal anymore.

Dumb bitches unite 👏👏👏 we be out there reading shit we shouldn't read

Yeah I think it's nice how the show didn't portray Shaw as a bad person for not having "normal feelings". Well, hope makes one live as we say in French (idk the English saying either lol) but don't hold much hope about me liking Root lmao

I used to ship careese bc they kissed in the crossing, but then I read some Rinch fics and I just ended up falling into it to the point where I stopped caring about careese. Now I think their relationship works better as a friendship.

Yeah all that change really puts me off... It just gives me "bad spin-off" vibes. Especially since there is less John :( and less Rinch :((((

Lmao yeah I just have a lot of feelings about early poi hgkfglrk. Also :/ I'm sad about the subway being less homey pls I just want happiness ?? I swear this show destroys my heart on top of owning my last braincell (brb changing my blog title to this lmao)

Mood I need all the John-centric eps, give me m o r e characterization and development and backstory and feelings hhhhhhh. I love him so much I just wanna spend more time with him. And that's what fics are for ! Yeah thehiddenmemory is so talented ! Astolat made some good ones too, on top of writing really good fics ! (Our fandom has been blessed with the presence of one of the ao3 founders hell yeah)

Also, remember how we talked abt the poi subreddit ? The other day I left a comment on there, wild I know. It wasn't a discussion about the last seasons though, I'm not crazy, it was about the impact poi had in our lives so I said it literally taught me English. Who knows maybe sometimes I'll comment again lol. I just don't wanna meet one of those people who prefer late poi over early poi.

Allow me to uuuuh write something based on what you said. Don't ask me how John survived with no major injuries, my man got that Thick Plot Armor alright. Hope you appreciate me getting carried away sjdkdksk it's kinda rushed and the first part isn't that good bc idk how to write Grace I'm just here for that sweet sweet Rinch stuff

Harold is eating breakfast with Grace in her kitchen – he can't think of her home as his home – when his phone vibrates. It's a text from the machine. It's a surprise, she barely contacted him since... He blocks the thoughts and the images coming to his mind. The machine sent him a picture. When he opens it, his heart misses a beat. Right here on his screen is a silhouette he thought he would never see again. His phone vibrates again. Another picture, this time it's unmistakably John, wearing his signature suit, Bear next to him. Transfixed, he stares at his phone until he feels Grace gently touching his arm. She goes straight to the point.

"Is it John ?" He looks up in confusion, but before he can say anything, she adds, "I hear you call him in your sleep every night."

"It's him, yes." He doesn't want to explain. He only wants to see John, to touch him, to tell him how much he loves him.

"You should go back to him. I like you, Harold. I am deeply relieved to see you alive. But I've been thinking, and... It's not working. This, us... You aren't really the man I fell in love with, the man I grieved... I can't trust you anymore." She doesn't say 'You lied to me' but Harold hears it all the same.

~

Harold sits on their bench. The machine indicated John often comes here. Soon enough, his arms are full of Bear, and John is standing in front of him.

"John. How are you ?" he asks when Bear finally calms down.

"Busy. And you ?"

Harold eyes him suspiciously – John once said he was busy when he was bleeding and way too close to death – but he seems to be well.

"I'm fine." He doesn't have time for awkward small talk." I thought you were dead. Why didn't you contact me ?"

"The machine told me you were with Grace. I thought you wanted to come back to your previous life. I didn't want to crash into it and ruin what you had."

Harold wants to be angry at him, but he understands. He did the same with Grace.

"You would never ruin anything. Besides, my relationship with Grace... didn't survive my lies. She's very dear to my heart, but she's a part of my previous life, as you said."

"So you came back for the machine, and the numbers, like the good old times ?"

Harold gets up from the bench.

"I came back for you. You are an important part of my life. The most important part."

John smiles, finally. He takes a step towards Harold, they're so close they could kiss. Harold reaches out, grips his shirt and slowly inches closer. He's still afraid of being rejected but John wraps his arm around him and kisses him. The kiss is over too soon. John's smile is even wider when they part.

"You're the most important part of my life too," he says before kissing Harold again. "You will stay ?"

"Always."

Damn I live for sappy Rinch stuff.

Bitches decided that Harold saying "always" is peak Rinch. It's me I'm bitches.

Also ofc I had to make a reference to number crunch, who do you think I am

Anyway. I hope you have a good day ! 💛

[khorren]

Welcome to DC, Agent

Since Friday, I’ve been going pretty damn hardcore spending my time in Division 2. Been playing it with my boything, obviously, but also roped in 2 friends from Guild Wars 2, and one of their friends. Boy and I are a little further ahead than our friends, but we kind of split our evening doing stuff with them, and then progressing our own stuff.

The game allows low level friends to join you, they get upscaled to just below your level and are geared appropriately while they’re with you. (Although there’s a bug where the armor’s not working.... uh... great.... right now. lol. It is a known issue and will be fixed) Anyway. I’m so, so happy that we have a 4-man group for this game, and a spare person too! We’ve formed a clan/guild called “Mall Rats” because DC puns are hilarious.

The Division 2 is a shooty game. It gets the genre of “looter shooter”. You kill things, you get loot, you go kill more things to get more loot. There’s an over-arching story (more on that...) Its genre also gets labeled as “Cover-based tactical shooter”. Meaning you get in cover, you kill things. You can’t just stay in cover though, bad guys will notice you holed up and come and say hello with a scary gun, or a screaming melee person which will scare the bjibbers out of you if you don’t expect it.

But anyway. Welcome to DC.

You’re an agent of the Strategic Homeland Division, aka SHD (pronounced “Shade”). Back in Novemeber, a scientist released a virus known as The Dollar Flu, as it was put on dollar bills around the country. The virus spread over Black Friday and shut down cities all across America. In the first game, you’re a 2nd wave agent who has to figure out what happened to the first wave of agents, while at the same time dealing with the dollar flu and getting New York up and running again with the help of the Joint Task Force (JTF).

In Division 2, you’re a different agent who has been out there for some time, and has been summoned to DC to help things from completely falling apart. The President is dead, the government is barely non-existing, and various factions have sprouted up over the city and causing chaos. Civilians have risen up to form small communities of peace and order and are trying to adapt to the new normal. Division 2 takes place around 6-7 months after the first game, so it’s warm and sunny and not like the bitter cold of New York in winter.

There’s still plenty of reminders that everything went to shit around Christmas time. There’s still trees, and lights, and other things dotted around the place that shows people have been living like this for the better part of 2/3 of a year. (also my fancy hat + shades are amazing,I’ll have you know).

Anyway!

This is what I mean by “cover based tactical shooter”. I’m holed up behind a conveniently placed obsticle while a screaming crazy lady runs out me with a big stick. I’ve thrown down a cluster roller ball that seeks out targets and blows up (the red circles) in a few moments it will detonate and everyone goes boom! If that crazy lady got too close to me, she’d basically knock the ammo out of my gun and I’d be going “Ahhhhhh”.

The game has night time. It also has rain. When it’s dark, or dark and stormy, your visibility is pretty poor, but the AI’s is too. You can walk right past them, and they you, and because of the weather they don’t hear or see you. And it’s pretty great. There’s ways of marking the bad guys, but for the most part you’re watching for shadows moving, people chattering, the sounds around you. (Highly recommend playing this with headphones, because it’s so awesomely atmospheric)

There’s plenty of underground areas, tunnels, subway systems that are beautifully atmospheric as well. The lighting is great, the audio is brilliant and of course, there’s plenty of loot to be had.

Air Force One not looking too hot.

And finally, some some dudes stuck in a ladder as their final resting place.

But yeah. I love this game. There’s so much to do. There’s barbie fashion wars as well! You have your tactical gear (vest, gloves, boots, kneepads, etc) but there’s cosmetics in the form of shirts, boots, pants, hats, glasses, scarves. The combat gear can be dyed from dye you find in game, and the cosmetics come in a variety of colours, you’ve just gotta go out and find it. (There’s also a cash shop where you can just buy this stuff directly if you really want, but so much of it is in game). There’s a photo mode where you can take pictures and edit them to give them effects or do emotes while taking said pictures. This is the kind of stuff that gels with me in a game. The world is so alive, and the AI is smart.

This game makes me ridiciously happy, and I hope it entertains me for quite some time. If you’re interested, please let me babble more at you. <3

[molly2140]

Introducing Octavia Freeman 😎

Includes brief shit about my Half-Life universe.

Gordon has a twin sister, Octavia, she's approx. 4 hours younger than him if that matters haha. Their mother died during their birth (depressing as hell I know but I like the tragedy and dramatic shit), so their awesome father took it upon himself to raise his twin children the best he possibly can and give them a good life. Since Gordon can't speak, he, Octavia, and their father learned ASL in order for them all to communicate. Octavia acts as Gordon's voice and helps translate his signs for those who don't understand ASL. While growing up, Octavia becomes very defensive for Gordon, she hates when people make fun of him for not being able to speak. High school consisted of lots of fights and detentions for Octavia simply because she's defending her beloved twin. The two have a very unique bond, not only are they twins but they are best friends. Gordon has a really hard time opening up to other people, especially other girls, but he's always found it easy to confide in his sister, and Octavia is extremely supportive of him.

About a year after Gordon and Octavia graduate high school, their father falls ill and soon passes away, by then they are sharing an apartment on the university campus. Gordon is undoubtedly a genius, Octavia is quite intelligent as well, but she is studying for casual things such as photography and journalism, compared to Gordon who's clearly working for his PhD in science stuff. Soon after their father passes, Octavia finds herself taking the loss much worse than Gordon, and somewhere down the line she finds herself addicted to heroin. If Gordon wasn't home the night she finally overdosed, she would have died. During her rehabilitation and healing process, this brings the two of them closer and Gordon simply tells her that he cannot lose her, because she's the only family he has left. From that day forward, the two became even more inseparable.

Gordon and Octavia both end up at Black Mesa! Gordon obviously working in anomalous materials, whilst Octavia became the first female security guard, and she and Barney form a great friendship. Barney even tells her about his interest in Lauren, and she instantly hooks them up and everybody watches them fall in love. Octavia, like Barney, is a huge party animal, and enjoys grabbing some beers with Barney and Gordon after a long shift. Did I mention that Octavia and Barney are huge Queen fans? 😎 They will blast their music every day when they hit up the shooting range or while on lunch break. Also, Barney proposes to Lauren and Octavia was so happy when he announced it to her that she literally would not shut up about wedding plans for a whole week.

Black Mesa Incident time, yayyyy.

Octavia loses her shit when she can't find Gordon, she knew he was going in the test chamber that day, she wasn't supposed to know but he had told her anyways. She and Barney team up to fight the foreign alien creatures in order to escape Black Mesa alive. They are extremely pissed about the military simply executing any scientist or Black Mesa employee, however their highest priority is finding Gordon. Octavia and Barney get separated inside the Lambda facility, Octavia is trapped within and simply focuses on finding Gordon. She finds a portal to Zen, where she fights more of the alien creatures and soon realizes there's no way back to Earth. Suddenly the G-Man introduces himself to her, and offers her a job, she hesitates, but accepts when he tells her that he has Gordon. Together, the twins are put into stasis until their "hour has come again".

I'm not gonna get too much into the Half-Life 2 era stuff cause I'm planning on making a fan fic of it but here's some highlights and other facts about Octavia.

The land outside City 17 is fairly different, White Forest still exists, however everything is more inland and not next to the coast. The only large bodies of water are rivers and lakes. Technically City 17 is somewhere in Russia or in Soviet territory because I noticed a lot of the buildings and signs there are in Russian, but let's pretend City 17 is in the US because I want Octavia and Gordon to find their home as well as the ruins of Black Mesa. :3

City 17 has a wall around it that the Combine patrol heavily, the canals still exist but there is also underground tunnels that lie below City 17. The Combine are completely clueless of the underground tunnels, therefore Alyx uses them to help transport supplies and escort citizens to other outposts.

The Combine become aware of Gordon and Octavia's return a couple months after they arrive, unlike literally within the first day in the actual game.

Gordon and Alyx do fall in love of course. :)

Barney and Octavia fall in love too. :) Not gonna spoil shit about what happens to Lauren though I'm sure you can figure it out easily.

Eli's lab is far outside City 17, further west, so instead of it being called Black Mesa East, it's now Black Mesa West. It's actually a fairly large building that is partially submerged underground and is hidden in the trees so the Combine aren't aware of it. There's a nice open area to the south of the lab where Alyx and Dog have plenty of room to play fetch.

Since the lab is partially submerged underground, kinda like some houses where the back end is underground but the front isn't, that's literally this concept. So you can basically walk onto the roof, and that's Barney and Octavia's hang-out spot. This is also the spot where they confide in each other and talk about their tragedies, for Octavia, her heroin addiction and overdose, and for Barney, what happened to Lauren.

Oh yeah they also stole a Combine helicopter and fixed up Black Mesa style. 😎

Octavia helps Barney cope with his reoccurring nightmares over Lauren and the things he's seen working undercover, oh, and about that cat.

Barney managed to save some of the old mixtapes he and Octavia made back in the day, as well as the portable cassette player, which he rigged so it doesn't need batteries. So they constantly jam out to their favorite old tunes when hanging out or going on supply runs or hunting trips.

Octavia is definitely a night owl, Gordon is as well and they both have troubles sleeping sometimes. Gordon sometimes joins Octavia on the roof at 3am to talk some energy out in hopes of going back to sleep.

The classic desert eagle is Octavia's preferred weapon, the one she used while on security at Black Mesa. She is forever grateful that Barney managed to find and keep her prized gun after the Incident, as well as Gordon's infamous crowbar. The crowbar he still swears his life on by the way, ha.

Like Alyx, Octavia is quite fit and flexible, it's obvious they're experts at parkour. ;) If you haven't noticed, Alyx has a hoodie underneath her leather jacket with the Black Mesa logo, so I decided Octavia's shirt should have the Lambda logo with a similar color concept as seen on Gordon's HEV suit.

Octavia sometimes will go undercover with Barney to try and understand what he does every day, as well as gain more Combine information. She starts doing this soon before they confide in each other and confess their newfound love for each other. They definitely feel like they're working together again like in the old days but now forming secret crushes on each other.

Okay I'm not gonna spill too many more details without spoiling everything haha. But this is Octavia, as well as a brief explanation on my Half-Life universe. I showed my finished drawing of Octavia to my boyfriend and he swears she looks like me in real life but I don't see it other than the fact we both wear glasses and we both have our hair in ponytails all the time lol. The pose was based off of Kibbitzer's reference sheets, as mentioned before, you can find Kibbitzer's sheets on DeviantArt, their Patreon, or by simply searching it in Google. So yeah, this is my OC, Octavia Freeman, I hope you guys like her because I've put a lot of thought into her character and I've never done that with my other OCs haha. But I'm really proud of it. :)

[lunebinnie]

(1/14)I am so sorry for taking so long! (I also had to spend a lot of time studying this week bc I had my first exam for my Anatomy Lab on Wednesday... And then we had our first exam for *Lecture* Thursday (which also was the day I had a bunch of powerpoints due for my very intimidating adviser...) and then I had to substitute teach all day Friday (and then I meant to respond sooner but I got so busy 😭) so yeah I completely understand about school getting in the way no worries abt it!)

And also sleeping in on a day off when you’ve been busy studying lately is completely valid hon 👌 I hope that your midterms go well and that you’re able to stay healthy and take care of yourself in the midst of preparing! (not that you wouldn’t, I just have a bad habit of neglecting things like healthy sleeping and eating habits when I get caught up studying, so hopefully you’re not like me in that way) And yeah me too! I mean on the one hand I understand *why* they have that limit

3)If u could just send as many as u want there would be so much more spam and ppl would definitely abuse that. But also?? Um? I have a chronic condition called ‘Can'tShuttheFuckUp-itis’? 🤷 This policy is so discriminatory towards people like me who suffer from this crippling condition! I feel oppressed honestly 🙄 tumblr rlly has something against ppl just trying to get to know each other huh? Lol, but at least now we know why it eats them I’ll be sure to try to prevent that in the future

4)And oh my gosh that’s so cool! I’m super jealous!! 😮 lol. I wish they hosted kpop nights at my local bar! 😭😭 But no, I’m here at my little state college in a little 2 mi2 town just under pop 5500 (and idek if that’s before or after counting college students) in the middle of the 'farm zone’ of my state. All we get is country night @Riley’s 😩 RIP. But ya I wish I had more ppl around me who were into kpop! So far I’ve only met 3 ppl who listen to it. One was that roommate I told you about

5)One is just a casual listener who isn’t really into 3rd gen groups and mostly just listens to Girl’s Generation but that’s valid, and one isn’t even rlly a fan of any groups in particular, she just puts the kpop station on when she studies bc she says she needs music but if it’s in English she gets distracted, lol And omg that is insane! $500?? And 5 copies of the same album? 😲 (Says the girl who’s been a Monbebe for a hot 2 months and has already bought three (3??) Monsta X T-shirts… 😂

6)in my defense tho one of them was only $10 bc it was Black Friday? And u can’t blame me, Hot Topic is my krypotonite lmao) but yeah I already feel guilty about spending 30+ dollars on one copy of an album (thx international shipping) That’s so wild. And yeah I don’t get why ppl feel the need go out of their way just to insult other ppl’s music taste. I’m also pretty self conscious abt sharing my music taste and obviously the way everyone around me talks abt kpop has made me even moreso now 🙃

7) I haven’t gotten into too many groups yet bc I’m trying to go slowly and focus on getting into one group at a time but I do have a long list of groups I plan on getting into eventually! NU'EST is one that I’ve heard some of their songs on my Spotify based on my listening history and they’re on the list haha 😂 And omg I feel really similarly about Got7! I tried to get into them after I got into Monsta X and right before I got into Astro and although I did really like some of their songs

8)I haven’t really been able to get into their music as much as MX and Astro’s yet. I do think they seem like a really fun group in terms of personality though. As for the comeback I know right?? I mean I know a lot of ppl were freaking out abt the comeback being a 'sexy’ and how it wasn’t gonna be the same cute Astro we all love anymore. But they filled the MV with flowers and glitter and still managed to make it sexy as fuck! This album has a very different vibe but it still felt like them

9) They managed to pull off a more mature and sexy concept while still staying true to themselves and I’m so here for it! I don’t know if I could really pick a favorite era because I love them all! I mean Spring Up was an excellent era and every era since then has been great. They really don’t know how to have any bad concepts or make any bad songs huh? Lol. Since I’m still pretty new I really love the title tracks since I’ve heard them the most. (I have listened to their full discography

10)But I haven’t listened to their Bsides enough to pick out my favorites from those) I also really love Again though! The first time I saw the dance practice I was super into it and then I looked up the lyrics and was like 'this is supposed to be sad/regretful song it has no reason to be this much of a BOP?!’ 😂 I have such a hard time picking favorites though. Since All Light is new though I actually have listened to it enough times to pick some 'non-title song favorites’ from there haha

11) Other than All Night (which is great, obvi) I also really like Starry Sky, Moonwalk and Role Play 😂 and Bloom is so pretty oh my god! 😭😭 the album is great and has no bad songs but those are the ones I particularly like. I feel u about the dances honestly. I think that’s actually what drew me to kpop initially. I mean I like listening to the songs ofc but it wasn’t until after I actually watched an MV/saw the choreography that I actually was like… Oh shit I’m gonna have to be a fan now

12) It was the visual aspect that really made me want to be a kpop fan bc I haven’t really seen that level of performance with any western music. Which isn’t to say I think all western music is bad but I think it’s really impressive to watch kpop groups singing and also doing really impressive choreography and performing at the same time. Plus that’s the part I can show my family and say 'even if you don’t like the music because of the language barrier you have to admit they’re talented dancers’

13)And yes! With Astro especially I think the dance practices rlly succinctly capture the reason why I love them so much. They are *super* talented but they also have such great chemistry and u can rlly tell that they just love each other and have so much fun together! I love a family of six hardworking dorks! 🤧💗 lol. And yeah it’s too bad that neither of are able to see them this cb ☹️ (I also did the 'hypothetically…’ research but it wouldn’t have worked out 😒) I hope you’re right though!

14)Hopefully the success of this comeback is the catalyst to Astro getting more of the attention they deserve and there will be many more opportunities to see them in the future! (Although it is too bad we won’t be able to see live performances from this cb, since it’s so pretty 😭 tho with their track record I’m sure future cb’s will be just as good lol) But what about you? Do you have any favorite songs from this cb in particular? Talk again soon! (I’ll try 2 b better @ responding 😭) -AHA

FUCKKK okay so after like a million years of midterms + 2 days straight of sleeping ya girl is BACK to answer these asks after getting through the hurdle of copying and pasting and italicizing 14 asks onto one response on my phone. Did I perhaps fail at least 3 of my midterms? Quite probably. Do I have the energy to care atm? No. Did I need to get away from everything and fly to Boston to visit my friend for reading week? Yes.

How did all your exams go? That sounds crazy though! I hope you got through everything ok!

Tbh I have the same unhealthy habits too, I essentially became nocturnal and lived on like one meal a day + snacks and coffee 😭 fr, I would be writing my midterm from 11:30-1:30, go home to eat, sleep from 4-7pm, then wake up to study all night for the next one, and repeat,,,,, I’m like an actual mess tbh

Honestly as much as I’ve enjoyed the Aroha secret admirer thing (it was sooo nice getting to meet new people) rn I’m just so glad that post-reveal we don’t have to deal with tumblr ask limits and writing entire essay responses all in one go.

Honestly 3 shirts isn’t even THAT bad especially if they weren’t all like ordered from overseas so they wouldn’t have been that expensive. When I went to the Myeongdong underground shopping centre I went craaaazy with Kpop merch despite stanning (at that point, pretty much only) BTS for a whole 3 weeks, so I ended up coming back with 2 albums, a bunch of stickers, a photocard pack (also bonus: got an Astro one too) and like a BUNCH of bt21 stuff. Speaking of, my All Light album finally came in!! I ended up getting a Moonbin, MJ, Jinjin, and Sanha photocard plus the a Rocky lyric booklet and ik I basically got THE best set for someone who loves all of them w my whole heart 😩✊ but I’m still sad I didn’t get any Eunwoo cards since he was my first Astro bias 😭 it’s soooooo pretty I love it sm and like lowkey I’ll probably end up buying more of their albums anyway oopsss

Speaking of Monsta X btw, I heard their new song and I thought it was really good! What did you think of it?

Regarding favourite songs, I swear my moods change so much, so it’s pretty common for me to not love a song at first and sort of rediscover it months later, and tbh that’s kind of what happened with Innocent Love, Baby, and Again. In this album though, I’d say my favourite Bsides are probably be Bloom, 1 in a Million, and Heart Brew Love.

And I toootally agree with the performance aspect of kpop being the thing to attract me it, even before I got really into it I’d sometime like to watch dance practices (and lowkey even learned a bunch of choreos a with my friend last term just bc we had access to a frequently empty dance studio). It’s just super impressive to see people singing and dancing at the same time mostly live, and for the same reasons I’m also super into musicals as well, which isn’t so say I think like lip syncing or just dancing/singing is bad, it’s just refreshing to see it done all at once, you know?

Also side story it turns out that I actually DO know another Astro fan irl!! Her older sister (who I’m closer to bc we’re closer in age) is the one who bought the million got7 albums. Even though she’s been a fan of Astro since before debut, her sister doesn’t even know she listens to kpop since she was afraid of getting roasted at first, but now she’s in too deep to say anything. I’d mentioned liking Astro to her before, but she didn’t say anything bc she didn’t want to expose herself in front of her sister but on Friday I saw her while her sister was out and she was like “oh btw here’s a secret I went to the Toronto fanmeet last year but my sister doesn’t know” I was SHOOK but tbh I’m just super glad now to have someone to talk about it and go to concerts with (I’m banking on the fact that they’re coming back)

Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH for waiting 2747287482 million years for my response, and it was so great to finally (officially) meet you Kjersten!

@kaptain-k-pop

[eldritchsurveys]

o81.

[[ Random Survey Questions // By @x-hallie-x ]] 1. When was the last time you realized something about yourself, your abilities, or your financial situation that left you feeling disappointed? >> I’m not sure. I feel like I’ve got a pretty solid perception of my financial situation, and considering it’s the best it’s been since I’ve hit adulthood, I can’t imagine being too disappointed (except when new video games come out lmao but half the time I buy them anyway because... like, I can, for once, and my brain goblins can’t prevent me from treating myself forever!). As far as my mental state is concerned, Can Calah won’t let me beat myself up about that, so entertaining any sort of disappointment in myself is out of the question. 

2. Generally, are you more likely to blame others or yourself for problems you experience? >> Generally, I’m more likely to blame myself than others. But I don’t think that’s any better than blaming others. I am as much a product of my environment and the other people in my life as I am a product of whatever wild magical shit happens to make brains the way they are. I can control what I can control, but a lot of things about my life are out of my control. Finding things to place blame on really just doesn’t help me fix things, so I don’t care who’s to blame, I care how it can be fixed/helped.

3. What is one thing about your life that you don’t ever see changing, even if you might wish it would? >> I probably will never be a person that is gainfully employed or self-sufficient. And, honestly, that would hurt me more if I didn’t have someone who is gainfully employed and self-sufficient who is willing to use that for both of our benefit. I was basically convinced that everyone in this country is out for whatever they can get for themselves, and if I can’t keep up with that, then I’m not worth keeping around. I’d been convinced that people saw me as a leech who just existed to suck up all their resources, and had nothing of value to offer in return. It’s a very insidious mentality to have absorbed, but the longer I’m here, the less power it has over me, so I guess I do have her to thank for that.

4. At what point in your life have you been the most social or had the most friendships? And at which point have you been the least social? >> I guess when I lived in NYC, in general. I had a couple of persistent social circles: the Streetwork LES crew (homeless/destitute youth who went to the drop-in center on the Lower East Side called Streetwork), and the vamp scene crew (self-styled “vampyres” who participated in a big underground subculture, subdivided themselves into Houses and Clans, and threw a lot of parties). Most of those people weren’t what I’d call my friends, per se -- we were very friendly, sure, and I had a lot of good times with them, but most of those people didn’t really measure up to what I’d want out of friendship (and the rest were just casual acquaintances). I guess now is when I’ve been the least social; I know almost no one out here and the people I do know are really just... friendly acquaintances, I guess? Social-media buddies? We don’t really know things about each other, you know, like friends do... I don’t know. At this age, I don’t know how friendships form and I don’t know how to find out. The Internet is where my friends are now and I guess that’s just the way it has to be until I figure out something else (or until I move to a less socially-uptight area).

5. Do you prefer to have a few close friends or a bunch of random acquaintances? Which would describe what you have now? >> I’d like to have a mix of both. I just like to have people to be social with, in a variety of ways. Like I had in New York... Right now, I don’t know what I have. I’m kinda off this subject because it depresses me, ngl, no offence to anyone.

6. Do you journal? Generally, what do you write about? Do you find it helpful to get your thoughts out that way, or do you prefer another form of self-expression? >> I used to journal. I used to be really into journalling. But I guess, instead of trying to stick to the same practices I used to do, maybe I ought to recognise that my instinct to journal has been diverted into other forms of media -- like keeping a tumblr, and taking surveys. These all exist as records of my life -- as proof that I was here, that I existed, that these things happened to me. The internet enables me to keep a multimedia record of my existence, and that’s actually more than I could expect from just one paper journal, or whatever. Journalling (on various journal sites especially) was indeed a helpful way for me to get my thoughts out, but I guess now I just talk to Can Calah instead. I think I got put off writing my thoughts down because my instinct is to keep stuff like that public, because it’s all me and I am an open book, but then people (not just one person, either, this is just a thing people do in general, and I guess it’s understandable but oh my god) would get upset about stuff later and it’d just get messy. So I got put off being emotional on the internet because it backfired on me a lot lmao. I’m working on getting over it.

7. Do you like eating foods that other people have cooked for you, or do you prefer to have control over your meals? >> I do like eating food that other people have cooked for me -- as long as it’s food I like. And as long as it isn’t like... some kind of social trap. Like, I was annoyed with Sparrow’s mother for a few months because she wasn’t respecting my boundaries and always had some stupid shit to say about me to Sparrow and I don’t play that fucking shit. So I basically stopped being nice to her. And she kept trying to do stuff like... like Easter dinner, she made it “Southern-style” and made collards and banana pudding and shit. And like, this is a Midwestern White(tm) we’re talking about. That’s not the kind of stuff she naturally makes for any occasion. And she told Sparrow that she’d asked around (I guess at her job??? or something?) about what Black people eat on holidays??? And Sparrow’s like “but you could have just asked Logan if there was any dishes he wanted to be served”. Like, it’s not fucking rocket science, I’m right here. But she’ll always do shit like that, trying to ingratiate herself, when it’s not that fucking hard!!!! Don’t touch me, don’t talk about me to my fiancée behind my back, and ask me things directly!!!! WOW! SO HARD! (Also, the banana pudding was a fucking miss because bananas are one of like 3 foods on this entire planet that I don’t like. Which... she would have known... if she’d asked me first. But no, it was just all “oh I did this, I did that, he’s not grateful” bitch I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS. STOP IT.) Anyway, shit like that I hate. But people making food for me in general is great, because I hate cooking.

8. Have you ever been somewhere and REALLY didnt like a food that you were expected to eat? How did you deal with this? Are you someone who is likely to suck it up and be polite or refuse and save your taste buds? >> Yeah, that same Easter holiday I just mentioned. The collards were terrible, the fish was meh, and everything else was food I don’t care for (cheesy potatoes and that kinda starch-heavy fare). So I basically drank wine and played on my phone the whole time. As you can see, politeness is not something I feel compelled to give if I don’t want to. 

9. What is one way in which you compare yourself to others? In this comparison, do you regard yourself as better or worse off than the people to whom you usually do the comparing? >> Well, I compare myself to other fanwriters a lot, because it’s something I can’t help. I don’t think I’m a bad writer. I’ve been writing literally all of my conscious life, and I’ve watched myself progress. I’m generally pretty fair about my strengths and weaknesses in writing. When my confidence is where it’s supposed to be, and I’ve been writing often, I turn out some pretty good shit. I like my work. But my confidence took a big hit at some point lately, and I’m not sure why. All I know is that I feel like my offerings to fandom are like... boring to people, or not interesting enough, or??? I don’t know. And I feel like I don’t have any stories worth telling anymore. These are all feelings and really not based in any sort of reality, because my friends and partner tell me they like my work and my OCs, and tumblr as a whole is so astoundingly saturated with fanwork that the lack of interest most likely has nothing to do with my content and more to do with the fact that the market is full up and people don’t have time. I know all that, but when I sit down and go “okay, self, let’s write a fic”, all these mental blocks land in my path and I get too tired to deal with it and just scroll my dash instead. I don’t know what to do, but I guess I’ll just truck along until something in me changes. :/

10. What is something you’ve been particularly grateful for lately? >> That while my thanatophobia is nowhere near fixed, it’s been a little quieter lately. I’ve been able to sleep, and being able to sleep makes a lot of other things more manageable by default, so it’s like an ouroboros (in this case, a good one; but when I can’t sleep then it becomes a terrible one, lol). I’m using the lull to try to install some better programming, some less spiral-y thought patterns, that sort of thing. I don’t know if it’s helping, but I’ve literally got more to gain than I stand to lose, so.

11. What kind of change or opportunity would be the biggest help in your life right now? >> A therapist. But... like, one I feel like I can build a relationship with, not one who I dread seeing (which has been every therapist I’ve ever had). But like, besides just the benefit to my mental health... the clock is really ticking; recertification for SSI will most likely be happening within the next year and I have no psych team. How will they know how to judge my case if I’m not in any kind of treatment? That’s how people end up cut off. :T

12. Is there one emotion that you experience more often than any other? Is there an emotion you rarely ever experience? >> I experience amusement most often, probably. If that’s an emotion. An emotion I rarely experience is... shame? Most likely.

13. How mature would you say you are? What qualities do you think make a person mature? >> I don’t know how to gauge maturity, least of all my own. What is my basis for comparison? Adulthood as it is in modern USian society is a crock, most of the time -- the way people understand it is all kinds of flawed. What are our passage rites? Who are our elders? Where do we learn how to be a productive member of our community (and not just a cog in the capitalist machine)? The people we look up to are often no better off than we are. Individualism as a social standard (as opposed to the understanding of oneself as an individual) and the division of the community structure has ruined our ability to understand ourselves in relation to other people properly. What is maturity, in a society like this? What is my role in my society, and how well am I fulfilling it? What have I learned about life, and how much of it is truly worth knowing and passing on? Questions, questions, questions.

14. When was the last time you believed there might be something seriously medically wrong with you? What was the ultimate diagnosis? >> I mean, I always think my body’s about to fall apart, even though I’m aware that’s illogical and just a byproduct of thanatophobia. I don’t think I’ve ever thought anything was seriously medically wrong with me, because generally nothing is.

15. What is one illness you are afraid of having? Do you know anyone who has faced this illness? >> Anything that involves degeneration of the brain (Alzheimer’s and the sort). And no, I don’t know anyone personally with anything like that. 

16. How do you tend to behave when you’re sick? What kinds of things do you like people to do for you, if anything, to help you feel better? >> I’m so rarely ill that I’m not even sure, lmao. I think it’d depend on what kind of sick I am, because different illnesses require different methods of care.

17. If you’re someone who rarely eats breakfast, is there a reason for this? If you do usually eat breakfast, are there any other meals you avoid or skip for any reason, and why so? >> I mean, I eat when I’m hungry, and I don’t care what the time of day is (as long as it’s not too close to bedtime). So I don’t really label my meals using “breakfast”, “lunch”, and so on. 

18. When was the last time you did something you were proud of? Were other people proud of you as well? Does it matter to you whether or not other people care about your accomplishments, or is your own satisfaction enough? >> Probably finishing some questline in a video game. And no, I mean, I didn’t really tell anyone or anything. It’s not really an important thing. Woo, big deal, video games, who cares.

19. What is your least favorite thing about the season you’re currently experiencing? Are you okay with most types of weather, or are you only happy under certain conditions? >> I don’t like sweating or feeling lethargic because of heat / humidity. I’m usually okay with most types of weather as long as they’re not extreme, but if there are long stretches of cloudy / rainy days I feel pretty diminished and gloomy-doomy.

20. Have you made any changes to your style or “look” lately? How often do you change your appearance, hairstyle, fashion, etc? Or is it a pretty constant thing? >> No, not really. I don’t know what to change. My executive function when it comes to appearance is like... in negative integers. I just... I lost the knack for it. Whatever.

21. What are some things you do to feel pampered? >> I’m not sure I ever feel pampered, lmao. I tried to think about it and I just got this tangled ball of wires regarding like, stuff I can’t even explain quickly, so I’m just gonna move on.

22. What was the last thing you felt hopeful about? Do you think there’s a good chance of whatever-it-is working out in your favor, or not so much? >> Well, the last thing I felt hopeful about was getting out to see The Equalizer 2 today, and then the whole debit card thing happened, so I actually had my hopes dashed. And all because I did what I was supposed to do! But doing what I was supposed to do means that now I have to wait for a new debit card, which means I can’t go to the movies today (I can’t get to the bank and just get cash, which is what the lady on the phone said to do! I don’t fucking drive!!!). So, you know. Right now I’m just focusing on salvaging my day and my mood.

23. In what ways are you prone to black and white thinking? In what ways do you see more in terms of color or gray? >> I don’t know, I’m mostly a grey person by necessity or by design or whatever. Sometimes I’ll think “I’m a complete fucking idiot” because I did one dumb thing, or something, but like... it’s just because I’m upset about the one thing and can’t properly process that one thing at the moment without like, making a mountain out of it. That’s why I just try to distract myself until the feeling passes, because that’s the only way to get my brain to move on.

24. Are there types of people you will simply never understand (not necessarily ~empathize with) no matter how hard you might try? Are there people you seem to understand almost immediately? >> Well, yeah, definitely. I mean, I can’t possibly understand everyone. I don’t expect myself to, either. I guess I understand people who are like me? Like, that’s logical, right? I don’t know. 

25. When was the last time you tried something you’ve never tried before? How likely are you to break from your routine and try new things? >> The only thing I can think of recently is playing Journey, because I’d never played that before. I don’t know how often I try new things, especially since a lot of “trying new things” involves either money I don’t have or access I don’t have. 

26. Have you ever “recovered” from anything? What does “recovery” mean or look like to you? >> I don’t think so. I think mental recovery is a long-term shifting of paradigms and changing of perspective that can only be truly comprehended in retrospect. I think in that respect, I’ll be recovering for a long time. This is why I prefer the small-scale focus rather than the wide-scale focus, because using the wide-scale focus too much makes everything feel bleak and futile -- we may have a more complex consciousness and a more complex understanding of time and space, but I think exercising that cosmic viewpoint frequently can be really taxing on the brain (which manifests in things like existential despair, thanatophobia, etc). So instead of thinking about “recovery”, I think about being good to myself today. And that’s that.

27. What are some ways your childhood differed from those of others around you? Do you think this difference was harmful or advantageous in the long run? >> Hm. I was raised as a “gifted child” with all the ridiculous bullshit that entailed. I was sheltered to an absurd degree for a modern child (like, I didn’t watch cartoons and didn’t know what actual video games [as opposed to computer games] were until I was almost an adult). I didn’t make my first friend until sixth grade, and I was so socially undeveloped that I ended up losing her before the year was out. I didn’t know how to talk to people, I was sullen and withdrawn, I lived in my headspace and didn’t bother with the actual world around me. My curiosity as a child was severely blunted by alienation (I guess I’m making up for that lack of curiosity now, huh). I was pretty obviously not a normal child, but no one could see that?? Or didn’t care?? As long as I got good grades and didn’t cut up in class, no one cared about my development, I guess. I think the nature of my childhood didn’t do me any favours, but I also think that I’ve done the best I could with what I had (which wasn’t much). I eventually had to teach myself socialisation by observation, for example, and I think I did a decent enough job. I can’t blame my parent and the adults around him for my stunted development forever. Now it’s my responsibility.

28. What is one thing you are really good at compared to most people? What about one thing you are really bad at compared to others? >> I really don’t know how to determine this. I think it’s too easy to judge oneself unfairly in comparison to other people, so I try not to do it on purpose, you dig.

29. Do you think people are “all good” or “all bad”? What would make someone qualify as “bad” or “good” to you, or do you simply not think in those terms? >> No, I don’t think that. I don’t even think of people in terms of “bad” or “good”, unless we’re literally playing a Fable game where you have an actual “good/evil” meter. Even then, I’ve spent most of my time in that fandom unpacking that stupid fucking spectrum and writing the characters with the nuance they deserve. So, you know. I’m pretty sick of good/evil or good/bad as a whole. People are people, and that’s that on that.

30. When was the last time you did something out in nature? Do you notice a dip in your mood when you don’t get enough of the Great Outdoors? >> I guess that’d be on the Fourth, when we went to Creekside Park to eat lunch. I... really don’t spend a whole lot of time outside anymore, and I think it’s directly related to how much I don’t like where I live. I’ve tried on many occasions to be more enthusiastic about something, anything, about Grand Rapids, Michigan, and I really fucking can’t. I can’t do it. And I’m tired of trying to make myself do it. So now I just don’t do shit. Which isn’t any better, I know. I’m just trying to make do, here.

[strawberry-boogie]

(feature image by Shayan Asgharnia)

I first came in contact with Los Angeles based superhero Sama'an Ashrawi a few months back. I was at my 9-5 when he hit me up via email to talk about the Afrofuturistic web series that he was co-producing for DUST. He had found a piece I’d done on Missy Elliott’s love for spacey visuals and we soon started chatting about media, art, and futuristic Black life.

I figured out pretty quickly that Ashrawi was way more dope than I could’ve ever imagined. He’s met Herbie Hancock, Ladybug Mecca, Thundercat, and countless other legendary creative pillars. Since we’ve been in touch, he’s shared great stories about his life with me and I’m grateful that someone with his experience is that open. I mentioned that I wanted to interview him and he quickly and graciously accepted. So, without further ado, here is my chat with Sama'an Ashrawi, Trill Gladiator.

⭐️

Who are you?

My name is Sama’an, my friends often refer to me as “dad” because:

a) I like to make sure everyone stays hydrated when we go out dancing

b) my dance moves are pretty stiff (almost nailed a Milly Rock last weekend, but I’m not quite there yet), and

c) because I am very much into puns.

I also get called “William Miller” a lot because my hair and career have a lot of similarities to the kid from the movie Almost Famous. This clip = me. From a young age, I’ve been able to gain the trust of, and land interviews with, really big names. I was 20 when I interviewed Raekwon for the first time, 21 when I interviewed Kendrick Lamar and Damian Marley.

What sparked your interest in Afrofuturism?

The short answer is: a combination of things in my upbringing.

The long answer is:

Since I was a teenager, I was into the music of Hendrix and George Clinton and watched plenty of Star Trek thanks to my parents; they met in college as political activists and over the years have introduced me to their many friends who were veterans of various liberation movements. My parents and their friends taught me intersectionality before I was introduced to that term in college.

Though I can’t be sure if it happened on Twitter or in the classroom, I discovered the music of Sun Ra and Fela Kuti and the idea of Afrofuturism as I pursued a minor in African Diaspora Studies. The Af Am classes I took were hugely important in shaping my understanding of the uniqueness of the psychology of the African American experience, but I think it was my parents’ homegrown education that gave me the foundation to be aware of and open to those ideas.

(shot by Sarah Jasmine Montgomery)

College changed my life. It’s where I paid my dues. It’s where I met so many of the people who would open doors for me and help me set my sails. Many of them I still work with to this day. But I think the two most important things I did in college were: becoming a producer at, and eventually entertainment director of, Texas Student TV (our student-run TV station) & minoring in Africa & African Diaspora Studies.

I think when people try to downplay the history of racism in this country, pointing them to Sun Ra is a great rebuttal because it’s like… things were really so bad that Sun Ra wanted to take black people to a whole new planet. That Sun Ra’s escapism was so heavy and yet he could still present it in such a beautiful amd melodic way still blows my mind. In general, I think art that comes from marginalized communities has the ability to cut through the static in a way that is unparalleled— more than a speech ever could.

Have you learned anything in the last week?

Hmmmm what have I learned in the last week? I learn so much from my friends every day, you’re making me want to start a journal dedicated to the things my friends teach me. Some wisdom that my big brother Gary Clark Jr just imparted to me is: when you’re collaborating with someone, it’s like a dance; if you’re moving at two different speeds, you’re gonna trip each other up. So if you feel like you’re moving faster than the other person, pump your brakes.

(shot by Marco Torres)

How did you meet Bun B?

I just had the treat of witnessing him tell this story last time I was in Houston. It’s way more cinematic when he tells it, but, we met almost exactly 7 years ago, in July of 2010. It was the summer after my sophomore year at The University of Texas and I had just been handed the reins to produce the hip-hop show at our school’s student-run TV station, Texas Student TV. The show had formerly been called ATX Most Wanted, but our entertainment director at the time, the now Emmy-winning Tabitha Lipkin, said she wanted me to come up with a new name.

I had driven to Houston from Austin to cover Trae Day— underground legend Trae Tha Truth’s city holiday and its corresponding concert. (PS Trae gave me a lot of my first looks, and for that I am forever grateful—later, when I became entertainment director at the TV station, I would get his videos and cartoon sketches played on the station. PPS I may or may not have a cameo in this music video, I’ll let you find it though)

At any rate, Lupe Fiasco happened to be at Trae’s concert and so I went right up to him and introduced myself; my sister was with me and she got a great, sweaty picture of us together that I need to dig up. (As the years have gone by, Lupe has been a sort of enigmatic mentor figure, appearing a few times a year to give me encouragement or advice, and whenever I’ve needed to do an interview, he’s always said yes.)

Anyway, at Trae Day I also met a rapper named Troublesum; she and I struck up a conversation and she asked, “Are you going to Bun B’s album listening session tonight?”

I was like, “I had no idea that was even a thing.”

So she gave me the deets and a few hours later we met back up there. This was Bun’sTrill O.G. album which has the distinction of being the last album given 5 mics by The Source. Troublesum introduced me to one of Bun’s managers, Bone, I gave him my spiel and asked if I could interview Bun. He said, “Once we’re done listening to the album, I got you.”

You’ve gotta know that growing up in Texas, Bun is looked at as a Greek God, mythical and omnipotent. I thought it would take me years to meet the man, let alone interview him. Here I was, just a few months into my “career”, and I was in a studio sitting next to Lupe Fiasco and Young Buck (lol) waiting to interview Bun.

The new name for the show I had come up with was simple and to the point, “Longhorn Hip Hop”; Our school mascot is the Longhorns, so it made sense. I told myself, okay, if it sounds good coming out of Bun’s mouth, it’s gonna stick (Bun would tell me I should say “pause” here, but this isn’t his interview so I’m not gonna say it!) So we did the interview, it went well, and Bun said something like, “Shoutout to Longhorn Hip Hop; Hook ‘em Horns, baby,” and I was like, “Yup, that’s it.”

Then I ended up at a lot of events over the next few months that Bun also was at and built up a good rapport with the people around him; I think understandably Bun is wary of letting new people into his circle, so he kept his distance from me at first to see if I was a genuine person. But the way Bun likes to tell it is that the breakthrough moment was when I showed up to his bodyguard Truck’s birthday party the next year, that was what made him initiate me into the Trill Gladiators. When Bun tells the story he always emphasizes the fact that, “Sama’an came allll the way to the HOOD” haha but for me it was more about supporting the people who supported me. And to this day, Bone, Truck, and Bun, among others, have always been there for me.

Do you feel lit? You’re pretty poppin in my opinion, but how do you feel about yourself?

Haha you know, I’m not sure I’ve ever used the term “lit” un-ironically mainly because I’m not sure it’s for me to say. I think I’ve done a lot of cool stuff, can’t deny that, but I’ve still got a lot of growing to do. One person who inspires me a great deal is Hannibal Buress; I look at how long he grinded it out before he caught his big breaks and it motivates me to keep going.

How do I feel about myself? Truthfully, maybe this says a lot about me, but I never take selfies. Is that weird? Like if you follow me on snapchat, you’ll rarely if ever see me post selfie pics/videos. What does that say about me? Idk.

What’s the most important part of your creative process?

Movement. Going for a walk, or a drive to a far away place, or playing basketball. Something about taking in new surroundings helps me get my ideas out, especially if I’ve got writer’s block.  

Write three sentences. One for the past you, one for the current you, and one for super duper grown up you.

Past – Maybe don’t tweet so much.  

Present – Sometimes growth is stressful and crying is okay.

Super Duper Grown Up – Please tell me I grow up to be a late night talk show host.

That’s all folks! Thanks for reading~

-Brooklyn White

[nihilismdan]

for those who wait.

word count: 5,009 warnings: light angst, alcohol mentions, general mental health stuff, nothing extreme. summary: When Dan and Phil move to London and try to figure out what their relationship is and what it means to them it comes to many questions and not that many answers. Or the one where Dan gets lost and Phil waits for him. a/n: under the cut. 

a/n: i started writing this around 11:00pm at night and finished at about 4:00am. i haven't written anything since december and i felt like i couldn't write anything- i had like a writers block and it was terrible. but i had this tiny little idea and this transpired.

i also attended school in london for a semester and i got lost and ended up on the overground and it was a journey to get back so based on a true story in a way lol.

i.

Here’s the certain things that Phil knows: He loves him. He wants him happy.

And here’s the uncertain things that he doesn’t know: If Dan loves him back. If he wants to be happy.

Then there’s the smaller things that Phil knows: when Phil makes Dan a coffee it needs to have just enough cream and sugar to not taste like coffee, he ends up spilling the coffee on his pajama pants because of the way he leans on the couch. Dan can make a good green and yellow curry, but he needs help with the rice. He knows that Dan has listened to 808’s and Heartbreak at least three times this month because it was “underrated”, and he can forgive the radio stations for continually playing Love Lockdown and Heartless.

It’s sad, because it’s small intimate details about Dan that no one else knows, and no one else will ever know.

ii.

Dan hasn’t actually slept in a couple of days, and he hasn’t kept up with his subscription box or gone on any forums, he just goes on the computer to look like he’s doing something when really he’s staring at word documents, they’re blank and nothing is coming to him. It’s not just an art or a video block- it’s just. A block. He’s had it for a while now but it’s becoming more evident, that fear of… everything is seeping into his daily tasks because he’s scared and he’s lonely and there’s so many things happening and not happening all at once.

It’s morning now and there’s a cup of coffee on the table that Phil leaves because he doesn’t bother knocking on his bedroom anymore to see if Dan wants to come out. Dan takes it and drinks it cold because the noise of the microwave is too loud and he just wants to go back to his room and vegetate for a while, pretend for a couple of hours that he doesn’t exist before he tweets something mildly depressing, halfway funny, try to be something other than just ordinary, not so extraordinary Dan. People will laugh because it’s funny, and some will hate it because it’s true.

Dan still laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world, but it’s over shared links that Phil will send him and he’ll watch it in his room, and he won’t talk about the way that Phil knows that it’ll make him laugh, and he won’t talk about the way that the video is supposed to be fails but he’ll still look at the guys that are comfortable with their shirts off and their bare chest showing. And he certainly won’t talk about the way that his eyes linger a little longer, and he’ll close the tab and find something new to laugh about.

iii.

They have friends in London, surprisingly, no one really believes them, but the audience always liked to pretend it was just Dan and Phil, when Dan always said they’re just Dan. And just Phil. Separate. But they have friends. And they come every once in awhile, they bring beer and they bring wine and someone will bring the cheese even though Phil hates cheese and Dan will look over at Phil and they’ll laugh respectively, because they both know, and it’s the small things like that Phil holds onto, he just doesn’t know if Dan does, too.

(he does. he does. he does.)

They’ve watched a lot of movies, the last one was about alternate universes, and everyone is a little tipsy or drunk and trying to play it off as best as they can that they swear they’re fine. No water, thanks. Dan is on the couch, Phil is sitting on the ground, their friends are spread across their living room that still needs to be decorated a bit, the walls are plain and bare other than a few posters here and there.

“So, alternate universes- yay or nay?” her eyebrows are raised as she looks between the two who are as far as they possibly can be.

“Yay,” Phil says with a small smile on his face, his arms are wrapped around his legs, his chin on his knees.

Dan notices that he’s been in the same position as Phil and he quickly stops hugging himself before grabbing the bottle of beer that he had placed on the floor, he holds it against him like a security blanket and looks at a spot on the ground and shakes his head.

“Nay,” he laughs because his friends laugh, and they say it’s typical because in a way it is.

Dan is cynical and believes in nothing that isn’t proven by cold science.

Everyone knows that- but the idea of alternate universes is exciting. At least, that’s what they all say, and Phil is looking away and not at Dan anymore and Dan felt like he said the wrong thing because in a way he did. He has.

He’s gotten quite the habit of doing that.

“I like to think we’re all out there- happy and shit. Got life worked out.” She says this while her eyes are closed and she’s holding the red wine and Dan laughs a bit, it’s absurd to think about.

“It’s not real.” Dan chuckles, and he swears sometimes that he’s not trying to start something, most of the time he’s not, he doesn’t even know if his tone sounds rude half the time, he thinks that by laughing it’ll diffuse whatever tone he’s giving off but it never really does.

“Maybe not.” she says with a shrug, getting up, a quick sigh, and then grabs her jacket from the table, “but it’s nice to think about.” she smiles slightly as they all get up, the room got a little bit colder, and they best be going anyway. It’s late.

Phil avoids looking at Dan as he walks their guests out. Dan grabs all the cups from the living room and the leftover pizza to put in the fridge. He throws away the cheese she brought, no one will eat it anyway.

By the time Dan finishes the dishes Phil will be in his room attempting to sleep but really just avoiding Dan because he ruined the night for him. He won’t tell him that to his face, but he can feel it, all away across the hall he can feel the disappointment of letting the people he cares about down again.

iv.

London has etched it’s way into Dan’s heart. Manchester would always be special, in ways that Dan can no longer talk about, but it’s London that understands Dan’s heartbreak. He’s on the tube, he had a few meetings and a few shops that he had to go too. It’s nine o’clock and he’s listening to his music on the underground. He’s sat here for a while, watching people come and go on the tube, some are going home, others are going out for the night, there’s foreigners from America, he can tell by the way that they talk, he turns his music up a little louder as he watches the numerous stations pass him by, he’s still getting used to the transportation.

If he’s being honest, he forgot where he was supposed to stop and now he’s overground, and it’s dark and not many people got off at this stop. He follows to go down the stairs and look at the map to see where he should have gotten off. It’s quiet here. It’s eerie, and doesn’t sound like London anymore, but he still loves it, because the neighbourhood looks safe, and he does this thing where he thinks, it’d be a good place to raise a kid, even if raising a kid in London seems ridiculous in itself. The thought makes his heart twinge a little, so he stuffs it away for another day and looks back at his map.

He needs to go on the other side of the platform, he grabs his oyster card from his wallet and taps it against the machine and goes back up the stairs but on the opposite side to head back. The only sounds are the lamps and the few cars passing by. So he sits on the bench and his feet tap against the pavement and he takes a long breath as he makes a phonecall.

After a few, but long beets he hears, “Hello?” and there’s laughter in the background.

Oh. People are over. Oh.

“Dan? Are you okay?” In the background he can hear people say shh and he knows that Phil has probably gotten up from the couch now.

“I didn’t know people were over, sorr- uh, yeah, anyway.” Dan clears his throat now.

“Are you okay?” Phil asks again and then another laugh.

“Probably should entertain the guests,” Dan says with a small laugh that doesn’t mean anything, because there’s not much power or force behind it, no real emotion, and Phil has grown quite accustomed to that kind of laugh. It’s the kind of laugh that you do when you’re trying not to cry.

Dan can hear rustling in the background and then a door close.

“I think they’re alright. They ‘bout downed our wine we saved,” Phil doesn’t use the term ‘we’ or ‘our’ with Dan regularly, but it was special wine that they brought from Manchester, and that may not mean much now, but it meant a lot at the time.

“I’m just in my room now,” he quickly says after, and Dan can imagine Phil moving the strands of hair from his face over slightly.

“Okay.” Dan says, and the tube should be coming soon but this night hasn’t been going that great for him. “Um, I got lost. I’m okay now- I just uh…. Yeah. Got lost.”

“Happens to the best of us, I guess,” Phil’s laugh is gentle.

“Nah.” Dan says, shaking his head even though Phil can’t see, “Just me. I wasn’t paying attention,” It’s not that bad out here though. It’s a little cold, but Dan has his sweater and jacket on, he has enough battery life for his music and he’s not that far away from home.

“Right.” Phil’s voice is light, and he can hear moving around in the bedroom, what Dan doesn’t know is that Phil is laying on his bed and holding onto his pillow. “Did-” Phil starts to speak, and it’s always so hard, because what are they anymore? Can they have conversations like this anymore? “Did you have a good day?” his voice gets extra quiet at the word day, Dan is about to hang up, he thinks.

Dan is shocked with the question. He shouldn’t be. It’s a perfectly normal question to ask a friend. Are they friends? In the sense of the word yes, but there’s more weight to it than that.

“I--” Dan’s jaw slacks, he’s looking at the bag he has set on the ground and he takes a deep breath. It’s been awhile since Dan has had a good day, and today was just…. Another day. He woke up the same, he ate breakfast, and went on the internet, and then he left, and it was a normal day. It wasn’t a good day. Just normal.

“It was okay. It’s just a day.” The tube is pulling up to the platform now. “Tube is here,” grabbing his bag from the ground.

“Okay.” Phil sits up on the bed now, knowing he has only a couple of seconds before Dan hangs up again, but the only thing he can think of saying is this, “Try and not get lost again?” It’s a question, but Dan’s mouth starts to twitch before he realizes the weight of that question even if there wasn’t meant to be any. He breathes through the phone, a confirmation that he got his message, and he hangs up.

v.

Dan’s better at being a host, he’s trying not to say what he feels all the time, and picks and chooses his battles wisely. He drinks more wine than he does to beer because he swears red wine “gets him there faster”. It’s a social lubricant but it helps during times of distress that he feels when there’s a group of strangers in his house that go by friends.

“I love going back home to family,” she says this time, nothing about alternate universes, but the subject this time is about as bad as the last one. Dan can’t help but smile, shaking his head a little as he gets up and pours more wine into his glass.

“We have this tradition of going out and finding a new ornament to put on our tree, I have about- oh, god, maybe twenty-four. Yeah, that’s about right, that’s my age right now,” she chuckles.

He drinks more.

His family doesn’t really do traditions, but as people go around talking about their family traditions he wishes he had some that were worth noting and mentioning. The only tradition his family had was getting a tree and eventually putting ornaments up, and it was normally his mum. She didn’t ask anyone to help her put the ornaments up with her, she just did it to get it over with, and then she would put some lights on it and call it a day.

Apparently, one of their friends parents make a special roast after putting the tree up, it celebrates unity, and Dan doesn’t have much of that in his life. Even though his body is warm he feels so cold. The harsh reality that his family doesn’t do much for anything nibbles away at his insides.

If Dan starts to talk he might slur on his words, but at least he’s acting appropriately; laughing at rather unfunny things, nodding his head in agreement to family things that he’s never had or felt, and tapping his fingers against the couch to make it look like that he’s fine, he’s fine, he’s fine.

He wants to leave them with something to remember, but Dan stays quiet as Phil walks them out of the apartment like he always does, because Phil is a gentleman, because he actually hugs them when they come and hugs them when they leave. He’s a consistent friend to many.

Phil comes back to the living room where Dan drunkenly sits and he starts picking up the messes that they made.

“I- I, uh, almost said, maybe in an alternate universe-” Dan shuts his eyes for a second and then opens them back up and Phil is staring at him intently, “maybe in an alternate universe, her and her parents don’t pick out ornaments together.” he looks up at Phil from the couch but he can barely concentrate on him since his vision is a bit blurry.

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Phil smiles sadly at Dan, his fingers go out to touch him but he drops his hand and ends up moving hair out of his own eyes.

Dan and Phil were a series of almosts.

They could have been great. They were great- but they could have been better than great.

“Me too.” Dan gets up and he sways and Phil grabs him by the arm, waiting for Dan to push him off for touching him. Though there’s a little leeway off camera. It still makes Dan uncomfortable. Yet, when Phil grabs Dan’s arm, it doesn’t give Phil’s palm that burning feeling he used to feel when he touched Dan, there’s no real emotion to touching him now, it’s just like a dull feeling, something that’s been touched too many times to even recognize it anymore, and he doesn’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Phil tries his best to lead Dan to his room, and he notices that even the distance of their rooms fits their current situation. Because that was truth wasn’t it? They had always been close but never close enough. They were almost there, only a few inches, spaces, between them.

Dan’s head hurts badly and he shouldn’t have drank that much tonight but he couldn’t help it, or maybe he could have, but he didn’t want to. For once in his life he wanted to feel a little out of control but even when he was drunk he was so hyper aware of everything surrounding him. He still knew that he had to change out of his clothes he was wearing if he really wanted to sleep and be comfortable, but for the sake of tonight he crawls into bed, Phil helping him get under the covers and he pulls them up. This is around the time that Dan would say he’s not a child, because he’s not, but he doesn’t feel like starting something and going to bed hurt and angry.

And as much as Dan didn’t want to admit it, Phil was a part of him, in every sense of the word, in every way, they picked up things from each other that they didn’t know that they picked up from each other, they had the same friends, and had the same taste in foods and tv shows and books. They went to the same places together most of the time, and still ate dinner together sometimes, even if Dan ate on the couch and Phil ate at the table. And there were times that Dan would look at Phil and think of that second of almost, or the way that his eyes twinkle when he’s talking about something that he likes, and maybe this was the alcohol, but he knows its repressing everything that he’s been feeling for so long, and it won’t come pouring out tonight, he has a little self control, but he can at least think about it.

“I drank too much,” Dan moans into his pillow, and Phil is still in the room, sitting at the edge of the bed in complete darkness. Phil rests a hand on his leg, sort of, very lightly, but he can’t feel it because of the covers, or at least he thinks.

They both knew eventually it would happen. They’d be stuck in a moment they couldn’t exactly get out of without one of them leaving, but Phil wasn’t leaving. Dan was right with Phil being a consistent friend. Thick and thin. They’re sitting in Dan’s room, and the only thing that you can hear is the nightlife outside their window, a group of teenagers yelling at each other about places they’re going to try and get into- a siren driving to an emergency. Phil thinks of all the moments that they had gotten drunk together and ended up being tangled limbs in the morning, and Dan would hold him for a couple of hours, counting freckles and moving back hairs from eyes.

It felt like a lifetime ago.

It’s a painful thing to know so much about a person and not really know anything at all. The future was something that never really terrified Phil, other than maybe dying, he wanted to live forever, but maybe not forever anymore if it consists of useless knowledge about the one you love. Who may or may not love you back.

If only they were strangers again- maybe they’d do this thing right.

Dan is trying to get comfortable and Phil gets up from his spot on the bed.

“Maybe Dan in an alternate universe isn’t drunk, or, you know- maybe he is, but, he’s happy. He has family traditions, and he was the one who said it tonight. Except you know, it’d be twenty-two ornaments.” Phil quietly says as he reaches for the door.

He doesn’t know if he’s hearing things, but he swears he hears: maybe.

vi.

Dan is looking at other apartments, somehow their apartment fluctuates from being too small for Dan or too big- depending how his mental health is that day. He knows that getting an apartment won’t fix it. He’s not even sure if he’s able to get an apartment just by himself and be able to make the monthly payment. He’s had a lot of time to think about it, but he trusts the realtor he found, and he’s just looking.

He meets with the realtor at Starbucks, and he gets a Caramel Machiatto, and finishes it by the time they get to the first apartment. It’s actually not that far from where they live now. He throws the cup away, sticks his hands in his pockets because it’s still so bloody cold. She’s making small talk and he keeps on thinking of how much better Phil is about talking to strangers and knowing what to say and what questions to ask.

The realtor talks about previous owners, she talks about how beautiful it is for it’s price, and she talks about the view, and if he were to ever have a pet that it was pet welcomed. She’s talking about things that he doesn’t quite understand yet because he’s twenty-two and he knows that he needs to understand a lot of this stuff but he’s still as lost as ever, so he nods his head and leans in like he understands what it means.

By the end she asks him if he wants to see one more and he tells her he’s had enough for the day- but she’s given him a lot to think about it, which is true. The London weather is terrible this time of year and it’s raining again, he pulls his hood up and walks to the bus stop. Earbuds in and his oyster card ready to swipe he leans against the pole. He can’t imagine himself living anywhere else but at the flat that he shares with Phil, but he can’t stop thinking about that night. Because while Phil thought he wasn’t aware, he knew, it had always been different with Phil. He didn’t want to push him away because he didn’t want him to leave. He knew that he had a lot of underlying problems that he had to deal with. He knew that there were issues that needed to be worked out, but he didn’t know how to try and fix it, he didn’t know if he could. Dan didn’t want to ask for help either, because he figured if it was meant to be- if it was important enough- it would work itself out. Yet, he knew he didn’t really believe in fate, it was something that people told other people to help them feel better. But he didn’t know how to explain Phil.

The sounds of the bus braking tear Dan away from his thoughts, he follows in the orderly line into the bus, swiping his card and he walks up the stairs to the second floor of the bus and sits at the very front, his feet resting on the bar in front of him and he leans back in his seat as much as he can, it doesn’t help that he’s tall, but he tries to get comfortable and he closes his eyes, letting the music take him.

He doesn’t realize that he’s dozed off until he feels someone sitting next to him, his eyes snap open and the bus is full of people now than what it was a couple stops ago. He looks at where they are right now and he’s not even sure where he is. Again. He sighs, getting up and walking down the stairs and the bus starts to move again and he holds onto the rail as tight as he can, in a couple of minutes the bus will stop and he’ll get out and assess where he needs to go.

From what he’s seeing he needs to take the underground which is not too far of a walk from where he got off, he looks for a crowd that seems to be going the same way and follows them. The streets are wet and cars are flying past him and his ankles are soaked at least. Without thinking about it he’s already pressing on Phil’s name in his contacts, because as it turned out- the first person Dan wants to call when he’s lost is Phil.

(he has yet to figure that part out.)

Phil answers a moment later, and Dan sighs annoyed at himself.

“Phil, I’m lost again,” he runs a hand through his hair, trying to stay far back away from the group but be close enough as to not lose sight of them.

“Again?” Phil chuckles softly on the other line and Dan’s can’t help but smile a little bit.

“What were you doing?” Phil is at home right now, editing a video, and they don’t really tell each other when they’re leaving the house, they just go.

Dan takes a deep breath and turns left with the group and can see in the distance the underground sign. “I uh, well, I was looking at apartments,” He regrets looking at apartments once he said it. Because it meant a lot of things. And he was trying so hard to not hurt Phil anymore. He was trying to be a better friend. After all the things that Phil had done for Dan, he’s looking to get away from him because it’s easier for Dan to concentrate, and he thinks of how fucked up that is.

“But um… it was unsuccessful. It didn’t really mean anything.” That’s one of Dan’s favourite phrases lately. Phil’s heard it a lot this year.

Yet, he knows. He knows why he probably went to look at apartments. Phil wasn’t the only one feeling it too. Whatever that feeling was- it hadn’t had a name but it was a presence all on it’s own. Phil doesn’t say anything and Dan is just breathing into the phone and he can hear Phil doing the same. It was for a single moment back when they used to fall asleep on the phone with each other. They didn’t have to say anything to know that the other person was there and that they were listening, even if it was listening to the sound of the other breathing. It was sad in the way that they wanted so badly to just. Live together to actually living together and Dan not crashing at Phil’s and sleeping and taking all the covers, to having his own room, to looking for a new apartment.

“A lot of things you say don’t mean anything, these days,” Phil doesn’t say this with a bitter tone, but Dan can hear the sadness in his voice. It’s the same kind of sadness when Dan suggested they start sleeping in their respective bedrooms, the same sadness when he said they should go on a break indefinitely.

And well- Phil was Phil, and he agreed to it.

Dan sighs again, and he’s trying hard not to cry, he’s balling his free hand into a tiny little fist and taking a deep breath, somehow it gives him a sense of control. He’s biting down on his lower lip so hard it starts to bleed a little.

“I know.” Dan quietly says over the phone, the drizzle of rain starts to become more prominent but Dan knows that the water on his cheeks isn’t from that- it’s from him. He sniffs a little and shakes his head, telling himself to get a grip.

They don’t speak for a long time, well, it felt like a long time but it was only about a minute and Dan was getting close to the tube station.

“Hey, Dan?”

It takes a lot out of him, hearing Phil’s voice, because he had memorized it over the years, when they first started talking, he could predict what he was going to say with the tone of his voice, having heard all of it over hours of skype and talking on the phone when they were out and about; it was the kind of voice that felt like the first few moments of spring, a beautiful pink and purple sunrise to be woken to after days of rain. It sounded like hope and promise.

“Try not to get lost again. I’ll be here waiting for you when you get back.”

Dan takes another breath, slowly exhaling, closing his eyes for a second, nodding his head. Phil is the first to hang up this time. And that’s okay.

Phil was waiting for him.

When Dan got on the tube he thought a lot about the concept of alternate universes and why he was so against it in the first place. Maybe because at the time Phil was for it so that meant Dan had to be against it. In truth- Dan liked the idea of alternate universes. He liked the idea of there being different Dan’s in different universes and that maybe he was happy in them, like Phil said. Maybe things worked out for him in the end. Maybe he was someone else. Maybe he ended up with Phil. Maybe he didn’t. Which got him to thinking about Phil and why he was for it- maybe Phil believed all along that they’d end up together. He was waiting for him, after all. Maybe he was waiting for him in the other universes too, not just this one. He’d like to think that the Dan and Phil’s in all the universes made it out okay- and that they got to achieve all the things they wanted to achieve. And were in love in all the ways they were, and are, without all that pain and hurt.

Because at the end of the day everyone wants someone to talk to. Someone to be able to come home to regardless of circumstances in the past, present, and future. Someone to love and be loved by. And for Dan that was Phil, who was waiting for him while he figured himself out.

When the tube came to a halt Dan checked to see if it was his stop and it was.

It was time to go home.

[jayparkdiscography]

Broken GPS Ep 1

J: I have a special guest today, I was surprised he said he will come and actually did, but I was also happy to see him again after a long time. He who has recently become a CEO, King of the Zungle, we have invited Zico! Nice to see you! Z: Hello, I'm Zico

J: How do you want me to talk to you? I usually don't use honorifics talking to you, should I continue like that, or use honorifics since it's broadcast? Z: However you want hyung, I'll use honorifics anyways J: Then I'll use honorifics, like a host Z: Since it's the 1st ep

J: It's so hard to see you these days... Z: It's been a long time J: you haven't released any new songs, you haven't appeared on shows, you weren't active on sns either...what was the reason? Z: It's been 2 years since my last album, the last 2 years I did a lot of thinking

Z: I thought a lot about the album, come back, music. I also had team activities (BlockB) so it's been a long time J: You're active after a long time, were you going through difficulties? Z: It's a lie if I say I wasn't,there were business related stuff, part of it intentional & part of it unintentional J: True, one needs the time to sort things out within themselves Z: I also established KOZ & became independent, I had a lot to think about J: Did you want to become an idol since the beginning? how did you join a label & became a member of BlockB?

Z: Tbh I wasn't thinking of becoming an idol, I just wanted to become a rapper, not even a famous rapper, but more of an underground rapper since back then becoming an underground rapper was more reliable and was a bigger deal than it is now

Z: Back then there was Over Class(VJ, Vasco), Big Deal, Jiggy Fellaz etc. that had a solid style/color, so I wanted to become like them. J: Which crew did you want to join the most? there was also Map the Soul, Soul Company... Who (rapper) made you want to join their crew?

TMI: some of the well known members of the crews mentioned: Over Class: Swings, Verbal Jint etc. Jiggy Fellaz: Vasco, DeepFlow etc. Map the Soul: Tablo (J said the name of the album) Soul Company: Fana, The Quiet etc.

Z: Back then when I was 19 I was in Do'main crew with UglyDuck, LilBoy hyung, TakeOne hyung but Overclass had a really good reputation/ was popular... J: Wow then how suddenly you ended up becoming an idol? Z: I had this mindset of just doing it so I sent a demo to everybody

Z: I sent the demo to everyone but by chance, Rhymer and Cho PD listened to my demo and decided to make a label and called me over to Korea J: So they just listened to you only, your demo and decided to start a label? Wowwwww Z: Yeah that's what happened

Z: Back then I didn't know that I'll become an idol, they asked me later if I wanted to become one, at first I was reluctant, I wasn't that handsome, couldn't dance & couldn't sing so I didn't think it'd work, but back then there weren't a lot of kids who could actually rap

J: That's true, there were rappers but they didn't really rap, they were assigned to rap cuz they couldn't sing, they didn't have a hip hop rapper feel to them Z: that's why I thought a lot if I should do this (idol), we also had a lot of meetings, they told me I should do it and that "you can do rap later as well but you can only be an idol at this age" but I didn't think I would actually do it, I only thought it'd be fun and also the fact that a lot of people will be able to hear my music & made my mind. That if I want more people to hear my music. This path (becoming an idol) would be more reliable. I thought of many ways to create a sense of individuality/style, right after my debut I released a mixtape, if I had schedule during the week, I'd perform at Just Jam events by Swings or Vasco's independent shows on weekends

J: so you became an Idol and debuted, you know there are contracts, things you shouldn't do, weren't those frustrating? because you were doing hip hop but when u become an idol, there are a lot you can't say, clothes you can't wear..I found them really frustrating tbh

J: Back then I didn't know so I asked them why I can't, they said there's no reason, you can't, you'll get hate... so I just followed but when I became solo and free agent, I got to find my style, what suits me, what doesn't etc. How was it for you Zico?

Z: We also had the limitations but I'm the type that goes by standard procedure, so I tried to play by the book but I also made a lot of mistakes, to be honest, if I say this now, it might sound like an excuse, but I was young so I really didn't know

J: No but that's not an excuse, it's the truth. because you don't know, so you make mistakes but you learn through those mistakes. How can someone know everything perfectly since they are young? that's impossible. that's not an excuse

J: Through those mistakes, you learned, reflected on yourself and experienced so as long as you don't repeat it, you are fine. Z: What really stressed me out were the things that I had to do no matter what, like things that you hate to do but you have to

J: of course! e.g. who likes to do early morning rehearsals at music shows? Z: On the contrary I really liked doing that, cuz our label wasn't a big one, I really wanted to appear on music shows, even when we had the chance, we only got to do the opening for 2 min & those got cut

Z: I would get really excited, I would wake up early in the morning.... we had to grab the smallest chances (schedules) and do them no matter what because there was no other way so got stressed cuz of those things. J: True, because you didn't really have any power

J: there are a lot of instances that you can't use a lot of words so you can't express yourself thru the lyrics. That's how it was for me as an idol. but when I went solo, a lot of people knew me only as an idol so cuz my behavior, my actions didn't match my idol era image

J: my fans and family got hate, fans threw hate at me, even when I got tattoo there were people that told me they will stop being my fan, it was frustrating cuz I was just being myself, they liked me w/ my idol mask but they hated it when I took that mask off,I didn't understand

J: wasn't it like that for you? Z: Hyung you were in a big agency, in my case people really didn't care , and the agency didn't teach us "you shouldn't do this, this is wrong etc." J: This is the case when I was a free agent

J: You can't satisfy everyone, if you try and match yourself with other people's standards you'll lose yourself, your individuality. What I'm saying is that idols, for a long time, only function based on the agency's instructions   (no freedom to find their own color)

J: and once they disband, they want to be active as a solo, but they don't know their color/identity. They don't know what they want to do, since the agency did everything for them so far. So a lot of them have a hard time. It was the same case for me.

Z: I really had no idea you went through all these... i thought you naturally had your style... J: that's why I naturally just did as myself and I became like this. I did as I felt regardless of getting hate or not. "whether I succeed or not I like it my way" *Sings Joah~* lol

Z: *Starts singing*

Z: but hyung back then when you started your solo career you looked really cool, we were newbies back then... we even met on a radio show J: that's true, we even met a few times during music show broadcasts   Z: but one thing I still remember

Z: When we (BlockB) were a rookie group, we made a mistake & had an scandal, during the time we were reflecting, we were on show champion & people weren't really welcoming us. You were there too, you came to us and said " you did a good job" It really gave me a great motivation

Z: It really gave us strength, so as we got on the car, we thought wow Park Jaebeom really cheered us up. I still remember the show... [he even remembered the corner Jay was recording] Z: Hyung you don't remember it right? J: I don't remember the details

J: but I remember you had shaved your head...I had also experienced getting hate from people, so I knew how you felt. that's why I don't judge people based on their mistakes or misfortunes or see a headline of an article and jump to conclusions.

J: I take time to meet with them, talk to them and judge them based on my own thoughts, observations, feelings etc. I don't let people's opinions affect how I see people. Z: but hyung you had that look in your eyes "It's sad, it's pity" but you expressed it in a really cool way

J: idk if I can say this now, but back then Dok2 had talked to me about you. This is when I didn't know you very well yet. Dok2 told me: " there's this kid that is getting ready to become an idol, but I think we should bring him to our label" Z: That's true

J: RIGHT??????

Z: That's when I was getting ready to become an idol and right before Illionaire was about to get established. Dok2 hyung doted on me, so he took me to bowling, to eat meat, everywhere he went~

Z: I was also a student back then, Dok2 hyung told me " I think you can really do well as a rapper, give some thought to it, or if you changed your mind (on becoming an idol) come to us" J: then the articles said: "Zico wanted to join Illionaire, but Jay park rejected"

J: lol it's probably been because I didn't want to do it with you.. anyways I'm forever the hidden 4th member of Illionaire... I'll always support Dok2 and The Quiet, and beenzino even tho he is a bit of an awkward kid but he is a cool artist that I like.

J: It really shows that you listen to music a lot and are very meticulous about making it, you are a perfectionist and I think that's really cool! I'm totally the opposite LOL

Z: I'm actually practicing to become like you,I've always been envious of the sensibility in your songs

J: but this comes with pros and cons: pros could be people saying "wow you're always hustling" etc. but the cons are that if you keep going like that, at some point your music might start sounding the same and not fresh anymore and then when you do music w/ younger folks, +

J: you feel that your style is old in comparison. I've been feeling like that these days. So I'm planning to retire by the end of next year, I'm not saying I will do it but I'm planning. Z: but even if you do that you can always make a comeback tbh if you change your mind hyung

J: no I don't like that, I'll do it once and forever. Cuz younger folks/talents keep coming out, like how I was doing it and you appeared, or song mino, haon etc. But that doesn't mean what we have done has gone in vain. What we have done for 11 years is not an easy task.

J: it's more difficult to keep your position the same for a long time in this industry. So I've been feeling that it's getting tiring. Z: woww so you've been feeling it... I thought you kept going cuz you don't feel tires.   J: no I did it cuz it's fun

J: I wanted to give back to all the artists that always loved me, so I never asked for money if I featured in their songs, instead I spent my own money to record my part, to film my part in mv & sent it to them. It makes me happy if I can change that person's life in any ways

J: How was the concert? Z: it was fun, it was great that we actually did it. I don't think we could ever have the concert later in the future if we had not held it 2 weeks ago. J: why? Z: we're getting older now, we have different agencies & not a lot of opportunities to work together or gather... Since the agencies are different and we are a crew.. J: You never know, maybe you could make a label instead of a crew? Z: No since we are friends, we don't want to involve business with our friendship

Z: This time what we wanted to talk about & our message were the same, we're the same age & there were similarities in how we felt about specific things so, everything worked out well. We said let's do it, but it didn't end with just having a concert (so they released Y too)

J: How what FanxyChild made? Z: in 2015 I did "Yes or No" with Penomeco, we were classmates since middle school & started rap together. He really liked music but cuz of various circumstances couldn't fully do music. On the other hand I was constantly working in the industry +

Z: So after 5 years he came to me & told me that he's been working/making songs, & let me listen to them. If he wasn't good, objectively I would have told him that he needed to work more/try harder, but he was good. So untold him "you're really doing great, let's work together"

Z: w/o second thoughts we started working together & I thought that we had great synergy & that we could achieve our dreams. In the middle of all these, thru a hyung I work with, I got to meet Hyuk (Dean) & that's when he was only active as a producer, He was really good!

Z: that's when no one knew him, so I immediately told him "hey let's do something together, let's make a crew" he liked the idea & said okay. Then about 2 months later Crush said "I want to do it too let me join too" and that's how we made FanxyChild.

J: oh okay that was very simple lol Z: yeah there was nothing dramatic J: interesting... I wanna join too Z: come join hyung x2 J: No I'm old now.. But you guys are all friends.. Z: but we're getting old too J: if I join the name would probably change to "Fanxy Ajjussi's"

Z: No hyung there's Stay Tuned too J: right... But no I'm already in too many crews... * they started naming all his crews*

J: So after you left 7S, the first & only song you have released is "Y", when will your next one come out? Z: I'm revealing it for the very first time here, I'll be releasing my first FULL album! J: first time releasing a full album? Z: We've had full album as team (BlockB)

Z: But as a solo artist, this is my first full album. In my case, it takes a while to write a song, sometimes  I get stuck, keep modifying & don't get the result I want & struggle.. This album has come to completion after all those struggles, it will come out soon around Sep-Oct

J: then I shouldn't release anything around that time Z: lol seems like you will anyway J: album name? Z: It might change so I won't reveal it J: song title? You won't reveal that either? Z: of course not lol *plays spoiler/ album mode from small talk*

J: Did you produce + rap & sing? Z: yes J: You have a reputation for being a rapper but at some point you started singing too, even in "Y" you sang the hook Z: it's funny cuz I don't think of that as singing, but since there's a melody to it, people hear it as singing

Z: Through experience (in making music) I've realized that rap, is mostly consisted of syllables, so to fully convey the emotions, using melody helps a lot. So when I'm making a song,I don't think of it as "oh I should sing", I just to do it as part of the production process.

Z: Once it's completed, I realize that "oh it sounds like singing" Somehow I ended up using more melodies in my songs, so the singing parts increased too. J: the tile song? Z: I won't reveal it here

J: how many songs? Z: I've made a lot, but to keep the mood/vibe of the album more sonsistent, I have eliminated 5 songs. So there will be about 10 songs on the album. Might include/take out more. J: Since you're not active as an idol now, will u be promoting on music shows?

Z: Other than YHY Sketchbook, I haven't gone on any music shows. Considering the situation now, I won't be promoting on music shows. It's a great platform, but you can't customize the performance according to the vibe etc. (like using a live band).

J: These days the music show audience are mostly idol fans, so this who like our music don't look to watch us on music bank ] the culture has changed... Z: It used to be more like that before, but now the audience is mostly 'fandoms' J: Is there anything else you wanna say?

Z: I wanna play another spoiler **excited** this one..I'm only gonna play the intro of the song... wait no the middle..

J: this one too, was written & produced by you? Lol you're so cute the way you sound so excited... Z: yeah because I'm playing it here for the very first time

J: You know when you make music with a specific goal or audience In mind? Like putting out songs for hip-hop fans, for chart or just because you wanted to release those songs... Did you consider something like that with this album?

Z: It's not the 3rd one. I've made music just to satisfy myself before, but as time went by, specially since last year, I've started to make music considering what my (hard core) fans want to hear from me, I've asked them a lot "what kind of song do u want to hear from me?"

Z: I didn't want to base it on my own music taste, like "I have to do this genre" I wanted to make songs for them (fans) to listen to, to the extent that they look for my music/songs, because they "want to" listen to it. That's my biggest goal right now.

Z: I've noticed these days, people don't "consume" music anymore (not part of their life style or genuinely enjoying it), so I want to bring back that joy to people's lives J: This is really hard to achieve, since there are a lot of new songs released everyday,

J: The increasing number of rookies, songs...tbh I'm totally against this system, of course it's good to listen to different songs, there are artists who match to audience's taste, some also just release songs cuz they want to, which broadens the audience's spectrum +

J: But some just release music to make money, without any attachment or passion for the music itself. Is there anything about me you're curious about/you wanna ask me?

Z: There is! I've always wanted to ask you, hyung you have lots of responsibilities, how do you resolve the risky situations? things that are out of your control, business or human relationship related stuff, how do you challenge those situations?

J: we shouldn't treat them as unimportant, but treat big & small incidents the same. Everything will pass. You can't just give up & throw away everything cuz of 1 incident. Let's say something unfortunate happens, first you have to accept it

J: Time will resolve it, your time will also come. It's no one's fault, it's just not the right time. Consider 2 members of a group, one doing extremely well, while the other one is not even tho that person is working hard too, they might even think they're better than the other

J: They blame the agency cuz they're less known... It's very common wherever u go...everyone's time will come differently.. Who knew I'd sign with RocNation at the age of 34.. Or AOMG will become successful..who knew? There's a time for everything...

J: in this industry you won't get the results after 1 or 2 year... How many years did it take us? You have to be willing to do this for a long time (for life) A CEO's position is the loneliest, a lot of people look up to you and follow you, which brings huge responsibilities.

Z: Since I have also been a leader, guiding people & you've also been doing it for a long time, I want to ask you this question: Who do you turn to when you have a really hard time or get sick & tired of things? Who plays the role of supporter & mentor for you? Who comforts you?

J: It's not to a level of mentor, but the people around me, I see them as a team, I don't look at them as people under me just because they work for me, I see them as people beside me. Due to situations, I've changed a lot of lives, so even if it's hard, because of those people

J: I'll try my best. I'm a celebrity but didn't do music to become a celebrity. I'm just JP, it's really had to keep up w/ my schedules so I have to let go of things slowly and pick just one path. Since I'm only human.. Z: Wow everyone JP is a human after all...

Z: I thought you'd say "just do the way you are" J: I used to Z: but doing this for a long time... there are times that I wanna let go, there are times that I also want to  gain 20 kg, until when should I keep up with this king image? until when am I gonna do jiji party?

J: it hasn't been a long time since you became a CEO... This is nothing now lol Z: that's why thankfully right now I'm not finding it difficult. I'm trying to feel it little by little by picturing it, imagining situations and thinking "ah this would be difficult" J: From now on you shouldn't think of yourself as the Zico everyone knows. Your team & the people around you, working for you are really important. You have to know if they are people you can trust, or if you are walking the same road, if you can trust each other.

J: this is really important. More than their skill level it is important if they are people you can trust for years to come, so that you can look at each other and work for the sake of each other. You shouldn't be greedy. Oh you took notes??? Z: Yes as you were talking...

J: How did you come up with the name "KOZ"? Z: It was the name of my world tour, as I thought & pondered about the name for a while.. random & childish names also came up so I thought I should just go with the most natural one. It doesn't necessarily represent me,

Z: It could also be in plural form "Kings of the Jungle" it was very 'me' like... I didn't give it a lot of thought I just natually went with that name J: yeah you should just go with what you feel like and later on if you change your mind you can always change it

J: It should be that way...take it easy, nothing should be totally perfect when you start just because people might be watching you.. That's how I always think Z: I envy that a lot... J: What are you envious of? I've never gotten #1 on a chart like you, I'm envious of you

J: You even get no.1 with hip-hop songs... Z: it's not like that anymore hip-hop is not as popular as it used to J: no there are just too many rappers, there are also a lot of good rappers.. They're dispersed so it's become hard. Z: it's nice from a fan's perspective

J: So have you signed anyone to KOZ yet? Z: Not yet! but I'm planning to, I have my eyes on someone J: Hint? Z: We've even worked together, but he is not a famous person, no one knows him J: male or female? Z: male J: I'm curious, I wanna sign him first

J: what kind of label is KOZ? Z: a lot of people refer to it as hip-hop but it's more an all around label, art, music, I'm just saying this but it might also bring in actors J: we did smtm together..which season was it? Z: Season 4 & 6

J: We did 4&6 together??? Daebak now that I think we've done a lot together, you also appeared in 'Mommae', me & loco cameo'ed in 'Tough Cookie'. Which season did you like better & why? Z: I liked 4 better. It was more fun J: Even tho me & loco lost to you

Z: You didn't lose to me, the contestants lost to each other J: You & Song Mino were idols & famous, so I was kinda annoyed too lol Z: but I knew you'd win the producer's stage J: We had to go all out cuz there were still talks that I can't rap etc.

J: after all I'm someone who has helped shape this industry and hip-hop culture, & those people are just watching me they their screens, how can they judge me... But I think this is also part of the community that helped we gain fans too,

J: I've also gotten hate a lot since a long time ago, I don't care anymore.. Now getting hate is.. fine

Z: Same here J: about SMTM.. Z: I received offers to join since season 2 started..every season J: Pretty much same here. Did u ever hesitate to accept?

Z: not at all specially season 5, 7 and 8 J: then why did you accept 4 & 6? Z: As for S6, I had confidence that I was good, and I wanted to show that thru different channels, but it didn't work. It turned out different from what I had in mind.

Z: I wanted to show different styles through hip-hop, but m*net itself, starting from editing everything I talked about... It didn't work. J: it was the same case for us, we also wanted to appeal thru our personal attitude towards hip-hop but they edited it all out.

J: that's why we started Sign Here with mbn. What do you think of it? Z: Before it's about rap, it's a kind of variety show. Same with SMTM, I haven't been following it alot, but people these days don't care about those who are good at rap anymore.

Z: So it should include the element of story telling for sure, I think that at it will have a possibility to become a hit show. People don't get impressed by great rap/ musical skills any more J: then you should guest on our show as a featuring label

Z: Oh you'll bring in featuring labels? J: yeah you should feature as 'KOZ' Z: LOL Invite me to one of the episodes hyung.. J: If you post on your sns, that "I'm enjoying 'Sign Here' these days, I'm thankful' we might Z: Ok LOOOOL

J: There's 'Off Route Fest' coming up, come hang out, come watch & if you feel like it come up on stage during Crush's stage Z: There's something else you have in mind & not telling me J: We wanted to invite Zico as guest but he's so expensive we couldn't

J: I'll send you an invitation, come with BlockB and hang out Z: Feels like you're hiding something from me???

J: Do you have anything you wanna promote? Z: I've prepared the album trying my best, I hope you listen to it A LOT and enjoy it

J: Do you want some people listen to your songs many times, or a lot of people listen to your songs? Z: the latter, and more than saying "he's a good producer etc. I want them to fully listen to the songs and enjoy them"

"I used to be greedy about hearing the compliments, but not anymore. I just want them to listen to my songs, I really want to be someone whose songs are loved by people" - Zico

"I would actually be even happier if there are people out there that like me, not just because of my music, but because of who I am. I would be greatly thankful" - Zico

J: I agree, same here. People paying attention itself is great, whether they want to curse or not, they're gonna listen to our songs anyways. Z: People hating could even be better than no one hating J: In our industry, the moment the attention starts to fade it becomes dangerous

J: that's why I'm gonna retire LOL Z: STOP HYUNG LOL

J: Anything you wanna say? Z: Please anticipate a lot and listen to the songs a lot, also support KOZ & AOMG. I came because Jaebeom hyung asked me, a person who has contributed a lot to this industry.

Zico : I haven't been much of a player lately, so I had time to watch it from a fan's perspective from a far, so I have totally become a hip-hop fan again and remembered, oh I'm a player too.. Anyways I love hip-hop." Bye~~

Credit: BB_E914

[mrcncb]

Exitstence

marc encabo exitstence (apr ep 2017) [006/xxx] compiled 04/30/17

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feV-Eg3x2so Bandcamp: https://marcencabo.bandcamp.com/album/exitstence

—

the nearest exit may be right behind you.

—

[liner notes]

—

tour month!

so most of this month i spent overseas with low leaf and the ascension doing a europe/uk tour. i had a couple different ideas on what i wanted o try to do for this month’s ep project but ended up deciding that i should try to just absorb the whole experience overseas rather than trying to focus on too many things haha. i ended up taking a couple different clips of miscellaneous and ambient sounds from the different places we traveled to, between things like train stations, really dive-y underground bars and even outdoors in these big and picturesque european towns. with limited time to put this particular project together (by the time i got back into town i had maybe a couple hours to finish the tracks), i decided to let this project be a completely soundscape-y and raw kind of experience, trying to capture a couple different moments aurally and aesthetically that i had on this tour (it was an amazing and eye-opening experience for sure… i can’t wait to get back overseas!)

—

“exitstence” is a collection of soundscapes, ambient noises, and short grooves and melodies that i programmed and put together entirely during my trip on tour. i had bounced between the idea of doing another beat tape or an ambient library kind of ep, and ended up with the latter just based on the kinds of tracks i gathered on my trip. it’s more in the vain of the very very first project of these eps that i put out (even before “lines” in january 2017) called “to:shore” (https://marcencabo.bandcamp.com/album/to-shore), which was a beatstrumental-esque project interlaced with some soundscape stuff that i programmed on a family trip to catalina island. each of these tracks i programmed in a certain setting, from on an airplane, on a train, to even in a place with no wi-fi. i’m not normally accustomed to this type of music and aural stimulation, but i hope you enjoy these mini-snapshots of some experiences i went through on this europe/uk trip. thanks for listening!

—

[genau]

i’m not gonna lie, i’m not sure i remember exactly when or where i put this one together. i just remember after listening to some of bryan and angelica’s meditative tracks on tour that i started piecing this one together slowly. the main melodic line on the bells is kind of the glue between all the other noises on this one, and i think i had a beat track programmed on here that i decided to not have on the final export. messing around with some automation on this one also.

—

[clock out]

this instrumental got pieced together on one of the longer train rides. i watched the beautiful scenery in europe go by out the window of the train and it got me singing this groove in my head that i formed and put into more of a pop-like song form. i played a lot with the ranges of some of the sounds on logic and got some cool percussive sounds out of them. i heard a lot of bryan’s playing on this one so that’s why there’s the lame midi flute on this haha.

—

[i’ll just go di it’s cool]

this is a voice memo from our show in stuttgart, germany that i warped of the audience sound. it’s pretty bare but i processed the heck out of it and automated a lot of different parameters so it kind of sounds claustrophobic. that’s the vibe i was going for anyway haha.

—

[no wifi]

dang so this was a pretty rough night. we were at our airbnb in london and the wifi was super whack so no one really got to use any of it for that night anyway lol so i sat in my dark room and programmed all these really annoying sounds. i was thinking of the old aol internet ringtone that you used to have to sit through back in the day when you wanted to use the internet lol. this is another one of those claustrophobic soundscapes also so i apologize for the weird vibes if you’re not into that (i don’t really think i am tbh but this manifested onto this project, just gotta go with it with these ep projects lol)

—

[vs]

this one i programmed on the plane ride back to the states. i think i had woke up from a weird nap and the cabin was lit with red lights and i was trying to capture the kind of dazed and off-centered feeling of waking up on an airplane or just from a pretty bad nap. there’s a lot of overlapping phrases and sounds coming in on weird beats to accentuate the off-feeling of the soundscape.