#trying to not let the everything unrelated to the exam get to me ... tomorrow is for exam and exam only. smacks head with newspaper

[kkoct-ik]

scarian for morale

[winterromanov]

Maybe a college Bucky one where he’s being playing games out of town, and trying to study for exams and he’s just so tired but trying to keep going and reader makes him nap and relax and it’s just very Soft ☺️

pairing: bucky x reader (set in the same universe as this fic)

Trying to play football and also be a competent college student is an Incredibly Difficult Feat. You know this, because watching Bucky vault himself from away games to home games to mid terms to finals is about the most exhausting thing you’ve ever seen. If he’s not studying he’s at practice, and if he’s not playing he’s in an exam. It’s like watching a manic, sleep-deprived whirlwind, living almost entirely off coffee and takeout noodles.

He’s not taking care of himself. He’s pushing and pushing and pushing, trying not to let anybody down--as if he could ever do that.

“You don’t have anything to prove,” you say, as he crashes face-down on the bed in your dorm, the night before he leaves to play a game at Harvard and minutes after his Cold War history deadline. You’ve not seen him eat anything the last twenty-four hours. “Look--you won the last game. Steve said you could sit this one out.”

A vague mumbling comes from your bed. His face is smothered by the pillow and he’s too exhausted to even turn over, so you poke his ass with your foot. His hand reaches out, reflexes still ridiculously quick, pulling you onto the bed with him.

“Sorry, love,” you smirk, curling as close to him as your tiny mattress will allow. His arm pulls you close to his waist, palm splayed across your back. His heartbeat is unrelenting beneath his shirt, thudding between you. “Didn’t quite hear that one.”

His head shifts so you’re basically nose-to-nose, his grin sleepy and delirious. He’s gonna pass out any second. You’ve seen it many, many times before in the last hectic few weeks--you’re probably gonna see it a few more. “I’ll be fine after nap. Promise.”

“Don’t you dare fall asleep before I can force a pizza down you,” you warn, and he laughs, deliberately snuggling into the pillow and letting his eyes flicker closed. You can’t resist--running your hand through his hair, along his face. Kiss his forehead. “Goddamn it, Buck. You’re making it very difficult for me to look after you.”

“You being here is enough,” he says softly and before you have chance to reply he’s gone, lost in some dream. You slowly creep out of his embrace, making the pizza for him anyway. By the time you wake up the next day his body is a phantom shape in your bed but the pizza is gone--he’s left you a bright pink post-it note on the plate. Scribbled in his usual scrawl are the words thank you always favourite girl.

-

we won!!! harvard ain’t better than us at FOOTBALL

wish u could have been there

renaissance lit is being a bitch :(( well done you STAR. miss you more every moment so get back quick

should i hijack the bus and speed down the freeway

if you must

consider it done

love you

love you more than anything

-

The next game is thankfully a home one against Yale so you can at least keep an eye on him--you’re just protective, that’s all, not wanting him to burn out in front of you. There’s a lot of gym sessions and library cramming and a grand total of one dinner date at his apartment, where you made a pasta dish with as many vegetables as you could think of in as possible (his mom had sent you a message afterwards with immense gratitude because her son needed his greens, damn it). The following evening you’d wrapped yourself in one of his jerseys and sat in the bleachers alongside an injured Sam--injured and bitter about it--and waited in the lights and the noise for the game to begin.

“Bucky tells me you’re worried about him,” Sam interjects rather suddenly and when you blink back, he shrugs his non-injured shoulder nonchalantly. “Not that I blame you. That dude just doesn’t let up, does he?”

“You could say that,” you reply, shivering a little. The November air is cold, even wearing Bucky’s sweater. “He keeps telling me the season will be over before long, but I...I don’t want that to be a couple of weeks too much for him, you know?”

Sam hums thoughtfully. Around you, the crowd practically fizzes with excitement, covered with facepaint and aggressively chanting team songs at the opposing side. You’d never been to a college football game before you started dating one of the team’s star players, but you have to admit, the atmosphere is kinda addictive. Watching Bucky play is kinda addictive.

“If I know Bucky, and boy do I know him,” Sam eventually replies, squeezing up closer to you as more people gather into your stand. A girl is openly staring at you both--it doesn’t happen that often, but more so at games. People know Bucky, and Sam, so people know you. “He’ll get through this all okay. He always does, (Y/N). I’d been pretty damn surprised if he doesn’t make captain next year.”

You stare at the bright, clean grass of the field, and think of a boy so fucking exhausted from trying to balance his life that he can barely function half the time. Bucky would be an awesome captain. You just don’t want him to become a dead firework because of it.

-

The game ends up being pretty close but Yale just snatch the victory. It doesn’t mean that they can’t win the season, but. Bucky makes his way over to your stand at the end of the game like he always does, taking off his helmet and mouthguard. He also looks extremely deflated, like he always does when they lose.

“It’s okay,” you say, taking his face in your hands. He looks angry at himself. And you know what he’s thinking. I should have pushed harder. “Shit happens. You were still amazing.”

He kisses you over the barrier in a display of affection you were once too shy to give away in public, but you need him as much as he needs you. When you break apart you plant a chaste, gentle peck on his jawline, running your thumb over the shadow. 

“You two make me sick,” Sam interrupts the moment, arms folded. Bucky flips him off while smiling sweetly and you can’t help but laugh. “Honestly. Didn’t ask to be violated, but here we are.”

“Payback for every single time I’ve walked in on you doing unspeakable things with the girl from the top floor on our kitchen counter.” Bucky snaps back teasingly. You like watching the banter unfold between the two of them. You’d be worried if Bucky and Sam weren’t taking the piss at every given opportunity.

Sam gestures pointedly at his injured right shoulder. “I cannot believe you’d treat a fallen comrade like that. I’m disgusted.”

“And so was I when I saw the state of the kitchen counter.” Bucky gives you one last kiss, clutching your hand. “See you after I hit the showers, yeah?”

“I’ll be waiting.” Your promise him, and his eyes glow just a little brighter.

-

When Bucky facetimes you from Brown the very next week, he looks like he hasn’t slept for at least three days. His Ancient Chinese history exam is literally a day after he arrives back from the trip and he’s frantically cramming in his hotel room in Rhode Island, while also trying not to fuck up the team’s chances of winning the season.

“Just one more game after this,” his grainy voice says on the other end of the video feed, head lolling against the headboard of his Holiday Inn bed. You wish he was in your bed. God, you wish he was in your bed. “And the season is over and I don’t have to be away from you ever again.”

“I don’t think your mom would like it if I stole you away for Thanksgiving.” You joke, tongue poking between your teeth. His lips curve, half a laugh escaping from his chest.

“That’s why she personally invited you to stay with us for the holidays. She’s worried you might sneak in there first and drag me to Virginia. She already knows I’d go wherever you go.”

Your smile is kinda wistful. “Except when you go to Rhode Island.”

“Except when I go to Rhode Island.” He repeats, sighing dramatically. He rubs one of his tired eyes. “Ugh. Who thought coinciding pre-Thanksgiving exams and football season was a good idea, huh?”

“I have no idea, but I’m prepared to have words with them.” You tilt your head. “Don’t work too hard, yeah? It’s one exam. It’ll all be okay in the end.”

“I know, I know.”

You want to keep talking, on and on until the early hours like you do sometimes, because time is apparently not real when you and Bucky are on the phone together. But he needs sleep, and you need sleep, and occasionally you’ll do things for the greater good. “Good luck for tomorrow. Brown won’t know what’s hit ‘em.”

“They better not,” he jokes, “Will you be live-streaming the game?”

As if you wouldn’t. You can’t pretend that you always know what’s going on or any of the rules, but you always try to watch him if you can. He’d do the same for you, over and over and over. “Already got the tab open on my laptop and everything.”

Bucky’s grin is near effervescent, even through your patchy wifi connection. “I love you more than anything, you know that?”

“I may have had an inkling.”

-

hello y/n 

HELLLOOOOO

u know brown are the best losers because they lose and give you TEQUILA

omg are you drunk

never been DRUNK IN MY LIFE!!!! but im at this cool party and stEv e has found a girl and i miss u

i miss u so much . and like i just do generally 

whenever ur not ar oUnd 

oh sweet boy. you are very drunk.

im serious though

sometimes i think about how much i love you and it scares me

because then i th ink what it would be like if you wreent there 

and that makes me so fucking sad i cant breathe

y/n

y/n ???????????????

hellooo 

have u gone to bed

no, just messaging steve to make sure he gets you back safe. im not going anywhere. just please please look after yourself. love you always

-

“I’m sorry about those messages I sent you last night.”

You grab him in the tightest hug possible, his hold all still hanging off his arm, rain spattering down from dark clouds outside his apartment block. You hold him for at least ten years, you reckon, because the thought of him being so fucking sad he can’t breathe makes you so fucking sad you can’t breathe.

“You’re a terrible drunk who says things that make me emotional.” You laugh tearfully into his sweater and he grips you even harder, if possible. The shards of glass jabbed between your ribs start to dissolve as you inhale every single part of him.

“I know, sweetheart,” he murmurs, “I know.”

-

His last game is the day of your renaissance literature exam and for once you’ve been the one not eating and relying on caffeine, anxiety lingering round your jittery bones like an irritating ghost. Your interactions with Bucky are a battle between you wishing him aggressive luck for what could be the winning game while he equally aggressively says your exam will go fine, they always go fine, it’s an easy A for sure. 

Your exam isn’t until the afternoon so you spend the morning pacing about your bedroom looking at a sporadic mess of post-it notes on your wall declaring quotes and context that you hope will just stick in your brain. When Lizzie from down the hall says there’s a package for you you don’t actually think much of it, too busy to deal with something you’ve probably forgotten you ordered from Amazon--but she makes some comment about how fancy it is, wrapped up in striped paper.

Your name is in print across the front so it doesn’t leave a clue on the sender, but as soon as you rip into it and find a bundle of things nestled between tissue paper, you know instantly. It’s kind of embarrassing you didn’t click sooner. 

Dear Y/N - you’ll ace it, favourite gal. 

You try not to break down in sleep-deprived and emotional tears as you pull out a brand new sweater in your favourite shade of burgundy, a vintage copy of Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, three different kind of Hershey’s bars and a dumb little teddy bear wearing your college jersey. He’s sent you a fucking care package. He’s away at Princeton, and he’s sent you a care package, because exams drive you crazy and he’s just... Well, he’s Bucky.

-

i got your present

have i ever mentioned that i love you

i may have had an inkling

-

He doesn’t really leave you a choice, does he? Besides, the game is only at Princeton, and if you catch the train the moment you escape the uneasy warmth of a crowded exam hall you should be able to get there in time. 

You’ve never been to Princeton stadium before, but you grab one of the last tickets available and rush onto their crowded bleachers just before the game is about to begin. The lights are heady, the atmosphere is electric, and you’re about to watch the man you lovingly, completely, unrelentingly call your own play the game he loves almost as much as you at a stadium forty miles from home. 

hey steve, you text his closest friend, hoping he’ll see it, get buck to look at the front of the stairs near block d when you come out

y/n if this is what i think it means he’s going to lose his goddamn mind

:)

When the team runs out you notice the number five on his jersey straight away, a constant fleeting image in your head from the countless games you’ve seen him play. Even from a distance, Steve’s eyes catch your own and his arm starts gesturing violently in your direction, Bucky taking a couple of moments to catch on.

It’s a good job the game isn’t due to start for a few more minutes, because absolutely nothing can stop him from automatically sprinting to your side of the field and kissing you senseless, cameras and crowds be damned.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he says on a dizzy outtake of breath.

“Couldn’t miss the last game of the season, could I?” You gently push his chest, urging him to go back to his team. “And neither can you. Go back to them. I’ll be waiting.”

He steals your lips for one more second, giddy and pumped full of adrenaline. “I really lucked out the day I met you, didn’t I?”

His mouth is hot. Hot. Unmistakable. Real. Always, always real. “Not as lucky as me.”

my masterlist

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[artificialqueens]

nobody knows where we might end up (branjie) - holtzmanns

(read on ao3) | (tumblr)

Summary:  Brooke makes eye contact with Vanessa - no, Dr. Mateo - and has to resist the strange urge in her chest that wants her to bolt for the nearest door and leave the fucking hospital. Blood is rushing in her ears and it’s a bit harder to breathe and she’s pretty sure that her lungs should be at full capacity. So why does she feel like she’s about to keel over?

“Oh, we’ve definitely met.” Dr. Mateo’s voice is wry, her eyes narrowing in Brooke’s direction.

Fuck. She’s Dr. Hytes, for Pete’s sake. Neurosurgery god. She’s not going to be intimidated by a cardiothoracic surgeon, of all people, no matter their past… history.

Hospital AU.

AN: I’ve had some free time recently and surprise surprise, started another multichap fic. Special thanks to writ for listening to me ramble about this idea, helping me brainstorm, and betaing (as well as providing hilarious commentary). Also thanks to multifandomgeek for being totally understanding of me having a WIP with a similar prompt to their latest fic even though they’ve both turned out so different, as well as for being a great cheerleader of mine and having the cutest headcanons for it. Enjoy!

(then)

“Welcome to Human Physiology One.” The professor’s voice is sharp as he surveys the packed lecture hall with a beady gaze. 

Brooke unconsciously straightens in her seat. Her fingers drum against her desk, a mixture of nervous energy and excitement alike. 

She’s made it to the University of Toronto for Health Sciences at the undergraduate level, which means she’s one step closer to getting into U of T’s prestigious medical school a few years down the line. She’s already secured shadowing and volunteer jobs in most of the hospitals located along Hospital Row, because, well, she has to. 

How else is she going to become a surgeon?

The professor continues on. “This course is going to cover all of the major bodily systems - circulatory, neurological, urological, immune systems, and more at the basic level. Enough to give you a general understanding of how they work.”

He fixes them with a beady gaze. “Make no mistake, though. The introductory nature of this class doesn’t mean that it’ll be easy like the rest of your 100 level courses. If you are expecting such, feel free to leave through the doors now.”

No one does. 

“Very well.” The professor pulls up a PowerPoint. “You can read the syllabus on your own time. We’re starting on neuro.” 

“Sorry, excuse me, sorry-” Brooke looks over to see her row being disrupted as a girl in an oversized jacket that brushes her thighs shuffles in towards the only empty seat left in the lecture hall. The one beside Brooke. 

Brooke feels a flash of irritation. Who’s late on the first damn day? 

The girl settles in, dropping her messenger bag and pulling out her laptop. She flashes a smile at Brooke, one that falters when Brooke doesn’t immediately return it. 

Brooke turns away from the girl, turning her attention back to the lecture. Her hands fly over her keyboard, writing down everything that is coming out of the professor’s mouth because what if something he mentions now ends up being really important and shows up on the final exam? She doesn’t want to miss anything. 

Except for the fact that the girl’s leg is bouncing up and down beside her. 

Brooke’s trying to write a note about synapses and neural clefts, but the girl is twitching so much, leg bouncing on her seat, that she finds focusing on the professor’s voice practically impossible. The edge of the girl’s shirt-dress is rising higher and higher over her thighs, revealing more and more of her fishnet tights underneath-

Nope. Brooke’s gotta focus. She’s missed at least two things that the professor’s said already and it’s only the first lecture. She can’t start off like this. 

Brooke keeps typing, albeit a bit slower because the girl’s bouncing leg is incredibly distracting and god fucking damn it, why can’t people just sit still in class?

But then the girl raises her hand, leaning forward in her seat and Brooke realizes that she’s missed the question that the professor has asked the class. Shit.

“Yes, you.”

“In an action potential, sodium ions rush into the axon and de-dep-depolarize it.” The girl rattles off the information like she’s fucking Hermione Granger or something, though a little less refined. 

“Exactly.” The professor looks pleased. Damn it. “And your name is?”  

“Vanessa.” The girl, Vanessa, looks satisfied with herself, leaning back in her seat and returning her attention to her laptop. 

Bouncing her fucking leg once more, because of course she is. But Brooke’s not going to be distracted by her again. She’s going to get the next question, because that’s what she does.  

Her hand shoots up before the professor even finishes speaking. 

“Yes?”

“Acetylcholine is the neurotransmitter that is necessary to complete the reaction.” Brooke rattles off the information that’s thankfully familiar to her from grade twelve biology with ease. 

“Very good.” Brooke feels an air of pride rush through her at the professor’s words. “Name?”

“Brooke.” Not a bad idea to make herself familiar with the professors in all of her classes from week one. Put herself on their radars. 

“Excellent, Brooke.” The professor turns back to his lecture slides then, oblivious to the rush of adrenaline that’s currently going through Brooke’s system. 

She’s pathetic sometimes, she really is. But hey, if it gets her the good marks that she’s going to need in the future, does it even matter?

Vanessa answers question after question and asks ones of her own that make Brooke stop and think along with the professor. Brooke has to admit to herself, albeit bregrudgingly, that Vanessa is smart. Really smart. It’s undeniable, from the way her hand pops up every five minutes. 

Brooke may or may not be feeling a little threatened, intimidated by the girl beside her - how’d Vanessa get so smart? And why hasn’t Brooke thought of the questions she’s asking, like the one about hyperpolarization?

Brooke shoots another look at Vanessa from behind her hair, hoping that she isn’t too obvious. In her earlier annoyance, she’s missed how pretty the girl is. Vanessa runs a hand through her hair, pushing the dark waves out of her face and leaning forward to type notes with her other hand. 

“Brooke?” 

“Huh?” Fuck. She’s completely missed the professor’s question. Of course. Typical of her to do something so stupid on the first day. 

Brooke starts to rack her brain for a generic answer based on the lecture slide when Vanessa nudges her. “Graded potentials. That’s the answer. Say it.”

Well. She has nothing to lose at this point, does she?

“Graded potentials?” Brooke says it loud enough for the professor to hear, though she almost doesn’t hear her voice herself from how loud her heart feels like it’s beating. 

“Good.” He continues on without a second look at their row, and Brooke lets out a sigh of relief. 

Vanessa truly, utterly saving her ass isn’t what she expected, but she’ll take what she can get. “Jeez. Thank you so much.”

“It’s no big.” Vanessa’s smiling at her again, one that reaches her eyes and makes them crinkle and on an unrelated note, Brooke feels her stomach flipping with what must be indigestion. “Brooke, right?”

“Yeah.” She whispers it because the professor is still talking, after all. “Vanessa?” 

“That’s me. My friends call me Vanjie, though.” 

Brooke wrinkles her nose. “How’d you get that nickname from the name Vanessa?” 

“I didn’t.” Vanessa winks at her but then turns back to the front, lifting up a hand to answer a question before Brooke can protest. 

How did she even catch the question that the professor asked in the first place? 

Brooke tries her best to go back to paying attention, but it’s hard when Vanessa is beside her and some of her long hair is on Brooke’s desk, looking really soft. Brooke has to resist touching it - she’s not a creep. 

Brooke’s notes during the rest of the lecture are most definitely not up to her usual standards, though she only has herself to blame for it. She’ll do better next time. She has to. 

Though if Vanessa’s beside her again, she may have a problem. Not that she’s all too mad about it anymore. 

Vanessa’s out of her seat the second that the professor wraps up, pulling on her oversized jacket on top of her shirt dress. She sticks her laptop into her messenger bag before turning towards Brooke, who definitely has not been watching Vanessa the entire time. Nope. Absolutely not. 

“So, you this keen in all of your classes?” Vanessa has a smile on her face as she says it. 

“I’m not a nerd.” Brooke’s protests are feeble because she kind of is - not that she wants to admit it. 

“Didn’t say you were. It’s kinda cute, though.” With that Vanessa winks, pulling her bag onto her shoulder and heading towards the aisle to leave the lecture hall. 

“This time next week?” Vanessa shouts it at her from the aisle as she leaves, and for some reason it makes Brooke flush crimson. 

The lecture hall is almost empty before she realizes that she has to pack up her own books and leave, too.  

 (now)

“The resection is scheduled for tomorrow at 2 PM. Bar any information that we’ve possibly missed in our review just now - which is highly unlikely - the surgery should be successful, leaving Mrs. Reynolds tumour-free in no time at all.” 

No members of the surgery team, not the nurses, the anesthesiologist, nor any technicians question Brooke’s words. Just how she likes it. 

No one mentions that the success rate for this particular pituitary gland tumour removal is less than 10%. Because with Brooke, odds like these don’t matter. 

She’s that good. 

Brooke wraps up the preoperative meeting with a wave of her hand, letting the members of her surgical team leave to return to their respective duties. 

She checks her watch. She has a craniotomy scheduled to take place in half an hour, then a consult with a particularly complex patient and the team at 3, then some time allotted for her research. A pretty breezy day by her standards. 

Brooke heads in the direction of the hospital Starbucks next, intent on gulping down a double espresso before her next operation. Can’t be opening up a patient’s skull uncaffeinated and tired.  

“Dr. Hytes!” Brooke’s head snaps up at her name while she’s waiting for her drink order to be ready. No one is usually bold enough to call for her like that except for-

“Dr. West.” Nina West, Chief of Hospital and pediatric attending surgeon, not to mention Brooke’s fellow alumni from medical school. 

“I was hoping I’d catch you. Got some pretty exciting news.” Nina’s eyes are practically sparkling. 

Brooke takes a sip of her drink. “The only thing that could explain that smile is if we’ve finally hired a worthy-”

“We finally have a new cardiothoracic surgery head!” Nina’s excitement radiates off of her in waves. Sometimes, she reminds Brooke of a Disney character. “Someone who is actually renowned and has appropriate qualifications and who I had to fight off St. Joe’s Hospital for. But we got her!”

“Must be someone pretty incredible to get you this excited.” Brooke is curious as to who could have gotten Nina this riled up. Brooke had declined a spot on the selection committee a few months prior, busy at the time with one of her research trials. She hasn’t heard any gossip on the floors as to who the chosen candidate could be. Not that Nina will be able to hold it back for much longer. 

“I’m supposed to give her a tour of the cardio floors and the team today. She’s just moved back to Toronto, so she’s starting next week. In fact, she should be in the atrium here any moment now.” Nina cranes her neck, trying to look around the space. 

“You still haven’t told me who-”

Brooke is cut off when Nina calls out, looking past Brooke towards someone behind her. “Dr. Mateo! So nice to see you again!”

Mateo?

No. Couldn’t be. 

“Wonderful to see you too, Dr. West.”

There’s no mistaking that voice. 

Fuck . She’s screwed. 

“Have you met Dr. Hytes? Pride of our neurosurgery department. A bit separate from your cardiothoracic surgery expertise, but maybe you two have run into each other sometime at a conference before?” Nina’s grabbing Brooke’s shoulders, turning her around to face her and Brooke winces, squeezes her eyes shuts because no, no, no. 

Except when she opens her eyes, there she is. In the flesh. Nearly eleven years later. 

She has the same wavy long hair but has swapped her undergraduate outfits for a pencil skirt and blazer and immaculate makeup and fuck. 

She looks good. 

Brooke makes eye contact with Vanessa - no, Dr. Mateo - and has to resist the strange urge in her chest that wants her to bolt for the nearest door and leave the fucking hospital. Blood is rushing in her ears and it’s a bit harder to breathe and she’s pretty sure that her lungs should be at full capacity. So why does she feel like she’s about to keel over? 

“Oh, we’ve definitely met.” Dr. Mateo’s voice is wry, her eyes narrowing in Brooke’s direction. 

Fuck. She’s Dr. Hytes, for Pete’s sake. Neurosurgery god. She’s not going to be intimidated by a cardiothoracic surgeon, of all people, no matter their past… history. 

It doesn’t matter. Brooke’s a professional. She’s the shit. Everyone in this hospital knows it. 

So she puts on her best neutral facial expression, walks up to Dr. Mateo. Towers over her, naturally (like she always used to, not that it matters). Raises an eyebrow. 

Dr. Mateo stares right back. Still makes Brooke’s heart flip in the same way. 

Nah, probably just some acid reflux. She needs a Tums. 

“Nice to see you again.” Brooke says it with a tone that implies that it most definitely is not nice to see her again, no ma��am. 

Not that it’ll matter. They’re completely different disciplines. Who’s to say that they’ll even interact?

“I could say the same.” Dr. Mateo’s tone, meanwhile, implies that she most definitely cannot say the same. But considering how things ended, who can blame her?

Brooke chances a glance at Nina, who looks really fucking confused, her nose wrinkling. It makes Brooke want to laugh. Oh, Nina. Not quite privy to this part of Brooke’s history. 

Who needs to know? It had happened a decade ago. She’s moved on, she’s a professional. They’re both professionals. They can act like it.

Right?

Brooke takes a final sip of her drink, turning away to toss the cup into the trash. She fixes both of them with a blank stare, lips pursed. 

“Need to leave now or I’m going to be late for my 1:00. Shame.” As if Brooke isn’t absolutely itching to remove herself from the conversation, get as far away from her as possible because fuck, she really should have joined the selection committee and vetoed Dr. Mateo from the list of candidates. 

“See you around the hospital, Dr. Mateo.” Brooke turns on her heel, walking away before Dr. Mateo even has a chance to answer. 

Power or cowardly move? She can’t decide. But she needs the distance, needs to get away from Dr. Mateo and the memories that are rushing back to her, ones that she had locked away in the recesses of her brain because they were too much to deal with. 

Brooke only lets out a breath and drops her head into her hands once she’s in a mercifully empty elevator. The closing doors feel a world away from Nina’s confused stare and Dr. Mateo’s disdainful look, neither of which she wants to deal with again anytime soon. 

She’s interacted with exes before, remaining friends with quite a few of them, but something about Dr. Mateo makes her feel like she’s a time bomb, about to explode any second from the rush of memories and useless emotions that she doesn’t care for at all, at this moment. 

Brooke needs to go to pre-op, get ready to scrub in and find her team, but her brain is finding it hard to focus on her plan for the upcoming surgery because Jesus Christ. 

She’s fucked. 

[chrisbbaegopayo]

Hold Your Breath (Stray Kids: Stalker AU) ➻ Prologue

Genre: Thriller, Angst, Gore, Mystery, Suspense Characters: Stray Kids, OCs Word Count: 2.4k Warning: This story will contain elements of gore, on- and off-screen abuse, torture, mental illness, and stalking. It will feature themes that are not suitable for all ages, readers discretion is advised. Each chapter will have its own specific warning.

The story takes place in the main character's third year of university. The prologue will detail information before the story takes place.

Chapters: Premise | 01 Prologue | 02 Chapter one | 03 Chapter two | Chapter three (part 1) | Chapter three (part 2)

------

The day had gone completely how she expected—a roster of classes, school work, and downtime. Her mundane life, for lack of a better word, was ordinarily plain. When classes end, she would find herself in a deep pit of homework. When the weekends rolled by, and when all her school work had been done and filed, she would marathon her favourite movies on Netflix. Oftentimes, she would be in the company of her best friend, Jisung, and the two would tackle her long and seemingly endless list of need-to-watch television shows and films.

Her life was as ordinary as it could get, and she wouldn't have it any other way. The school year had started off without a hitch, and with her organized lifestyle, graduation didn't seem too far away nor impossible. Her first year at the university came as fast as passed, followed by her second year, which flew past her just as fast. She maintained her average all throughout her academic career and was an overall great student. She enjoyed her classes almost as much as her teachers appreciated her as a student.

However, what she didn’t account for was the introduction of random gifts that had found themselves in her locker that she rented, and although a kind gesture, the sender seemed quite persistent. She had never used any of the presents she was given and opened a couple before she left them inside her locker altogether. The first one arrived a year prior, during exams, at first, she thought it was her friends, but upon opening the presents, she quickly scratched that out considering how unrelated it was to her school life.

She also asked some classmates if they had seen the person who placed the presents in her locker, but no one had seen anything of the sort. After that, friends often teased her for it, all in good fun, of course. Supposed that she did laugh along with them, part of her felt a little unsettled by the entire ordeal. However, she chalked that up to mere paranoia and brushed it off.

Days had passed since she received her first present and for a long time, it had been radio silence. And then the week after that, she received another present. It seemed innocent enough, just lying there inside her locker, waiting for her to open it. She thought about it for a moment but decided against it. It would wait until she finished classes.

The present had been innocent enough like she had thought, and like the previous present that she had received, she made sure she never used it, preferring to keep it at the back of her locker. The present never harboured any malicious intent end it was just like any other present that people would receive, but the unsettling undertone of the presents bothered her nonetheless.

The presents just kept on coming every single week and she kept on having to open them and storing them in the back of her locker every week as it came. She never noticed a pattern in the present, until one day, one of the presents was accompanied by a letter.

It was the most unsettling letter she had ever received.

The content of the letter read as follows:

“You blew my mind ever since I laid my eyes on you. Some things need not be said, but I think it’s plainly obvious that I am very taken by you, your appearance, and your soul. But, as every gift I endowed you with goes unnoticed, untouched, and uncared for, it stands to reason that you don’t feel the same…

...but no matter, I’ll make you mine. But in the meantime, I’ll continue to shower you with gifts all the same, hopefully, you’ll come to love them as much as I love you.”

Every word seemed heavy in her mind, her heart pace quickened as she realized what she had been reading. It wasn’t just some regular letter from a secret admirer, this was written wÇith intent. She wasn’t sure whether the person who wrote this letter would act upon his words, but one thing was for sure, it wasn’t normal.

This guy wasn’t normal.

But at the same time, she didn’t need to invoke this guy’s ire just because of a hunch. Perhaps someone was pulling a prank on her, and decided to go with some really creepy prose. She wasn’t going to sit idly and let whatever happen just happen—that was how people die during creepy horror movies—she would be on alert, and at the same time, keep others from being involved in this. Plus, if her friends saw this, they would either report this or maybe tease her because, look, such bad prose. Who wrote this anyway? Someone obviously spent a little too long watching creepy stalker movies or something—although that would account to teasing the guy who wrote it, not really her—but regardless.

Hence.

She would put this at the back of her locker, like the rest of her gifts from him. She hoped that someone just randomly chose her as the victim of a bad prank and nothing more—trying to elicit a response from her. If it was, it was an elaborate one and hopefully, after this creepy letter, she would go about her normal life.

Little did she know that while she was a victim, this would be no prank, and the presents would just keep coming, as the letter suggested. Despite that, though, her life had been rather blissful, and the presents would only be limited to her school life. Everything else was still her sanctuary, and only she would know of the entire ordeal. She would still go about her every day seemingly unaffected by this new addition in her life because she didn’t know for certain whether it would develop into a problem she couldn’t handle.

Regardless, she never told anyone, not even her best friend. It’s her problem—no one else’s.

And true to the letter, the presents kept on coming, and coming, and coming. It bothered her and wore her down seeing her locked filled with presents every week. They weren’t cheap presents either, they looked like they might have cost the person a pretty dime or two—money that could have been spent on other things, not on her, knowing that she would never use them properly.

She decided to write her own little letter as a way to tackle the buildup of things she didn’t use. In which she told the sender to stop leaving her presents as it was a little too much—obviously, calling it a little seemed like an understatement as it was quite clear that the abundance of wrapped boxes because a major portion of what hogged up her space, leaving her with little room to maneuver through her own things previously-stored in there.

Hopefully, the person would get the message and let up the excessive gift-giving, and maybe even put an end to this entire silly ordeal—of course, only she would call it silly—she crossed her fingers and hoped for the best, as it really was the only thing she could do at this point.

She tore a page from her notebook and wrote, “whoever has been sending me gifts, please stop. While I appreciate the sentiment, it’s a little too much.”

She stared at the note she just wrote, and for a long time, wasn’t sure whether it would come off as strange or even rude. In the end, she contributed her anxiety to overthinking. She would leave the little note in her locker for next time the gift-bearer left something in her locker. She folded the note in half, and then in half again, and on the front-facing surface, she wrote, “to my anonymous gift-bearer.”

She felt a little silly about having to do this. It’s like she was asking for more interaction from the anonymous gift-bearer. However, what was done was done, and she wouldn’t twist herself into a mess thinking about it further. It was a step in the right direction, she hoped.

With that thought, she closed the door on her locker and then left. Hopefully, tomorrow would be a better day and she wouldn’t have to deal with a reply. Or more presents. Both would be great, together.

Her dubbed “anonymous gift-bearer” never got her note.

Her friends discovered her note the day after during one of their routine debriefing sessions in the mornings. The curiosity was almost immediate as she tried to stop her friends from taking it, but was unable to do so. There was a moment of silence and suspense after her friends glanced through the note, and she wanted to hide. The last thing she wanted to do was to make her problem everyone else’s problem.

Her friends looked up from the note, the concern deeply evident on their faces, and it wasn’t one of those superficial expressions—their deep disturbance embedded within the looks of concerns, to varying degrees spread across each other her friends’ faces. It was official, if she didn’t defuse the situation immediately, they would start some form of intervention. And she did not need an intervention at this point in time. She was never really that good with lying under pressure—she was worried that she would say the wrong things at the wrong time. If she knew what her friends were capable of, they’d hire bodyguards or something.

Okay, not that extreme. They would probably bug the door, put a hidden camera in there. But then again, none of them were ever tech-savvy enough to deal with this kind of thing.

That wasn’t the point here, obviously.

The bottom line was that she didn’t need her friends to become needlessly worried about something that might just turn out to be some stupid prank that some kid did for fun. Regardless, she’d rather deal with this situation herself than to involve her friends. And should this be some malicious intent—if that letter from the gift-bearer was any indication—it would put her friends in harm’s way.

There was no way she could do that.

“It’s nothing,” she began confidently, as she hoped that her voice would be strong enough to put any concern away.

“Don’t worry.”

That did little to dissuade their concern, and the wary stares only turned grimmer. This was not what she wanted.

“Really, really, I have it under control. I’m pretty sure it’s a bad prank.” She tried again, although this time, the confidence seemed to waver.

That response seemed to be the one to put her friends at ease, although the worrying stares did not part their ways with her friends’ faces. It was still there, although they seemed a little more satisfied with her answer this time. However, her relief was short-lived as the friend who stood in front of her spoke up, still clearly on edge.

“Look, I respect your need to do this by yourself,” her friend said, “and I get that you’re trying to only contain the mess, because honestly if I know one thing about you, it’s that you hate to cause trouble for other people. But this is a hell of a problem is you have to physically write a note to this creepy stalker of yours. Or secret admirer, if we’re using kid-friendly terms, and trust me, this doesn’t even feel like it would be…”

There were a few chuckles.

“What I’m trying to say here is: if this guy or whatever he or she is, has to be lulled to his or her senses through your writing a letter, or in this case, a note, then this is far beyond what you should be handling yourself. But if you want to do it this way, then fine, but don’t forget that we’re also here if you need us to deal with some really douchey guy who has a really bad taste,” she said. That got a few nods in agreement.

“I guess we could see how this turns out—we’ll play it by ear, this one,” she finished.

Another friend spoke up, curiosity fueled this one, “just curious, what else did this person send you?”

She froze up and tried to calm her nerves. She could not show her friends that threatening letter. That would send them over the edge. No, no, no, no, no.

“Nothing. Just presents,” she quickly replied. She was hopeful it did okay to satiate that curiosity. “Really. Just not school-related gifts, I mean, honestly.”

If her friends were put-off by her answer, they didn’t voice it. But it was darn evident on their faces. And she was thankful they didn’t pursue that path of questioning.

“Come on, let’s head home? Ice cream on the way home?” She asked, trying to lighten up the mood. Her friends agreed.

She sighed—one hurdle crossed, time for round two.

At the same time, she did little to really analyze the situation. Her kind nature only put more strain on herself as a result, and her eagerness to keep her own problems to herself only solidified her future interactions with her so-called gift-bearer. Though if she had told her friends, the situation might have gone very differently.

She might have just guaranteed that her path crossed with her secret admirer.

The seconds were ticking past like a bomb on a timer, and every second that passed by was like a second forward towards her very own undoing. She knew what it seemed like in the movies, she knew how it went, but yet, what would she have done differently to discourage her admirer?

Her words had already left a mark. The note was never delivered, and the gift-bearer never got the message. The note disappeared after a while, and while she assumed that the gift-bearer had taken it. Her assumptions were well-grounded, but she never got a reply, nor did the gifts seem any less frequent for the next few days. A bitter feeling welled up inside of her, and she thought it would be best to just ignore it altogether.

She didn’t even open the packages for the next few presents. She pretended not to see them and pretended that they don’t exist. It wasn’t like the school would be able to set up some hidden cameras that would catch the perpetrator red-handed. The school wasn’t rich by any means, and any attempts at reporting anything would end up being waved away—she knew this, and she figured that the gift-bearer knew that as well.

However, things seemed to have let up after a few months as the presents became less frequent. The semester came to an unsatisfying end, and she couldn’t help but sigh in relief—if anything, she would be glad to know that the gift-sessions would come to an end, she hoped.

But it didn't, she would come to learn. It was the beginning of her descent to hell.

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Sorry for the long hiatus, I sorta just disappeared. However, this is the beginning of this fic—the one I wrote a premise to a long time ago (read: a year ago). Please stay tuned every week for updates!

[sdbjkksdnfkjsbagksbgakeovnsdfbjg]

Then/Now

I wrote a Fantasy High fanfiction a while ago and put in on ao3, [link here], but there’s a bigger community of D20 fans on Tumblr, so I thought I’d post it here as well!

It’s 1st person, Adaine-centric, and deals with the topic of anxiety and panic attacks in great detail, and has a small theme of self-harm (barely there, but worth noting), so trigger warnings for those topics in case you need them :)

Part 2 is here

Part One- Then

It's a fairly normal day. I'm sat on my large bed, in my large room, in my large house, and I am studying. The entrance exams for the upper school at Hudol are soon, and I have to do well. I have to get in. If I don't.. life literally wouldn't be worth living. I would never hear the end of it from my family, and I'd have to go to Augefort, or even Mumple. Besides, Hudole is the best, and I'm really good at magic.

Well, clearly not as good as my perfect sister. She's already in Hudol, and takes every opportunity to remind me. As do my parents.

So, I must pass this exam. I can't afford not to. I'd ridiculed, humiliated. And Aelwyn will look even better, because I failed where she succeeded.

I really, genuinely cannot afford to fuck this up. I'll probably be kicked out if I fail. Kicked out in a way that doesn't cause a public scandal, at least. And I have to show them that I can be just as good as Aelwen. If I just study very hard, learn everything I can, devote all of my time to practicing for these exams... work like Hell for everything that comes so easily to her, maybe I can prove to them that I'm not useless. Maybe they wouldn't compare me to her, because we'd be on the same level.

...I know that's not true. My parents love Aelwen more, and that's just a fact. I'm going to have to live with that. They have impossibly high standards that I can never seem to meet, where Aelwen can simply breathe and be showered in praise.

I do know that's it's not fair, but I also know that's it's probably justified. Aelwen is far more clever, pretty, skilled at magic, social, confident, charming... Perhaps if I were better, they'd love me more.

But, that's never going to happen. I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough! I'm just a stupid fuck up- a blight on this family. I don't deserve to behold the name 'Abernant'!

My chest tightens, and the words in my book start to swim. No, not again. This has been happening more and more often, and I can't control it. If this keeps happening, when am I going to have the time to study?

I need to study to pass the exam! If I don't, I'm dead! My hands are tightly clasped together, and my breaths are short and quick. I need more air, there isn't enough. But I can't leave my room and let my parents see me- or worse, Aelwen! I can only stay here and hope to ride it out.

My knuckles are now white and I feel dizzy; shallow breaths escaping me. My head seems as though it's spinning, making me feel sick.

My book feels like a weight on my lap, the swirling words taunting me, jeering that I'm too stupid to understand, so pathetic that I get into such a state over nothing. My magic acts without my permission, and I Mage Hand the book across my room. It slams into the wall and thuds to the floor. A scream of frustration rips through my lungs, as tears begin to form in my eyes.

"Shut up, you little freak! I'm trying to study!" my sister yells through the wall. "God, you're so annoying!" I don't respond, afraid that I shall burst into tears the second I open my mouth.

My head takes solace in my hands as I try to control my breathing. I'm so dumb for letting this- this nothing- get to me. I'm supposed to be poised, and proper, and clever! Too clever to freak out like this for no reason! A diplomat's daughter does not behave in such a childish, immature manner! This is ridiculous!

Hyperventilation advances to great heaving sobs, forcing me to double over, a hand covering my mouth to stifle the noise. Waves of tears cascade down my cheeks, unrelenting and unwavering.

My door is flung open. "Adaine! Shut the fuck up!" Aelwen shouts.

Involuntarily, my hand shoots out towards the door, fear and anger and panic taking over, and I feel magic leaving me.

"Argh, what the fuck?!" she must have deflected, because she doesn't sound in pain. I pull my hand back to me. What the Hell was that?! Freak! "Mummy! Daddy!"

I wince pre-emptively, begging myself to stop crying before my parents get here. Fight or flight kicks in and I manage to shuffle back away from the door, bracing myself against the wall. Preparing for the worst.

"Adaine Ailenia Abernant, what the Hell do you think you're playing at?!" I don't hear exactly what my father is shouting, my hands protectively covering my ears. "Look at me while I am talking to you-! Aelwen has done nothing wrong-! a diplomat's child-! ungrateful, selfish little-! lucky that I don't-! grounded!"

His screaming surprisingly doesn't help and only succeeds in making me cry harder, apparently pissing him off even more. He slams my door closed and locks it from the outside. Trapping me.

The walls are closing in on me. I am suffocating. My father's voice richochets throughout my head, combining with my sister's insults, my mother's nonchalance, my own self-loathing... It's all just too much.

Unconsciously, I begin scratching at my legs. Tearing at my skin hysterically, trying to force all the bad feelings out. My nails have been bitten short during previous anxiety-inducing events ("Really Adaine, that is most unladylike"), and thusly cannot break my skin or cause any real damage- only frustrating me further.

After a while, I have run out of tears, and the sobbing quietens down into heavy panting, trying to get enough air into my lungs to think straight. My head is banging; a fierce ache taking root in my skull, worming its way into every crevice of my mind. It hurts

Everything hurts. Everything feels wrong and disjointed, like trying to put together two puzzles pieces that don't fit. A wave of nausea washes over me as I notice how hungry I am. I was too busy studying to eat so far today and, from previous experience, I know my father will not open my door until tomorrow, at least.

A sudden rush of dizziness hits me, and I have to lie down. Focusing my spell energy, carefully this time, I Mage Hand the light off.

Lying in the dark on top of my covers, tear tracks still staining my face, my head pounding and my stomach growling... I feel so weak. Why does this keep happening to me? I have an idyllic life- rich parents, a big house, an exceptional education. So why do I feel like crap all the time? Fresh tears well in my eyes.

Maybe if I work harder, I'll feel better. I shall study twice as much tomorrow. Focus more, quit being so pathetic. If I'm better, there'll be no need for this ridiculousness to keep happening. Right?

Right?

I can't keep my eyes open anymore, and I feel myself sinking into my bed. I quietly cry into my pillow until the inky blackness of sleep takes me.

[agirlinjapan]

Red Data Girl: My Wish on the Night of the Shooting Stars (Week 20)

Red Data Girl: My Wish on the Night of the Shooting Stars By Noriko Ogiwara A Translation

Miss the last piece? Read it here!

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Happy Easter! Happy Passover! Have an extra week of RDG!

Red Data Girl: My Wish on the Night of the Shooting Stars By Noriko Ogiwara Chapter 3: Winter Solstice Part 1 (3 of 3)

December began, leaving the students with two days before their exams.

Izumiko was in the student government room when Mayura came searching for her. She looked exhausted.

“I’m sorry to bother you, but this is an SOS. Manatsu’s run away.”

Mayura and Manatsu were supposed to have been studying in the auditorium lounge the whole day. If Mayura had come all the way to the student government room, there really was a big problem. As always, Miyuki and Izumiko were in the middle of working on problems, but it hadn’t taken them long to notice Mayura’s unexpected arrival.

Izumiko practically jumped from her seat as she hurried to the door where Mayura stood. “Did you fight with him?”

“Yeah, something like that,” Mayura said, muttering her response. She couldn’t hide the frustration she was feeling towards her brother. “I know he went to the barn, but when I went there, he wouldn’t talk to me. He’d probably talk to you though, Izumiko.”

“What happened to make him run away?” Miyuki asked. “Manatsu doesn’t get angry over just anything. Are you really making him study that hard?”

Mayura looked irritably at Miyuki. “I’m not making him study. You already know how much he hates it. You’re here spending plenty of time working hard with Izumiko. Why can’t he do that with me? He’s really not dumb. If he just put a little effort in, he could at least pass. Still…”

Her shoulders suddenly slumped and her voice dropped. “…He’s saying that he’d be fine with dropping out of school and going back to Togakushi.”

Izumiko was shocked. “Is Manatsu really saying that?”

“We got into a huge fight and even I can’t tell if he was serious or not. Once he calms down, I’ll know, but the exams are already the day after tomorrow.”

Mayura let out a big sigh and looked at Izumiko with helpless eyes.

“He told me it’s not just about studying. At this point, I think you’re the only one he’ll share his real intentions with. I’m sorry. Can you help me out?”

It was upsetting to see Mayura in front of her like this. Izumiko had never seen her so upset at school before now. Looking at her, she could tell this was important. Izumiko had no problems helping Mayura out. When it came to something like this, Manatsu could most likely connect better with Izumiko than with his honor roll sister. Besides that, Izumiko was more aware of the secret the triplets held and the danger surrounding Manatsu’s heart condition than anyone else outside of the Souda siblings themselves.

Izumiko nodded. “Alright,” she promised. “Leave it to me.”

She headed towards the horse ring alone, but when she stepped inside the barn, she did not see Manatsu. It seemed like once he had been found, he had escaped off to somewhere else.

If I were Manatsu…

Mayura and Manatsu got into arguments every day, but Izumiko could sense that today’s incident had been the most serious since what had happened in Togakushi over summer break. Seeing as she hadn’t met up with Manatsu to study in the lounge lately, she didn’t really know how he was doing.

But I know where Mantasu feels most comfortable… on campus at least. If I’m this worried about him…

Thinking about this, her heart set on a solution. She closed her eyes and let her conscience roam across campus, finding that the horses in the barn were also worried about Manatsu. They were sensitive to his emotions and had picked up on the fact that he had been upset when they had seen him just a moment before.

…They’re all so nice…

Izumiko smiled, knowing that Manatsu’s love of horses was genuinely reciprocated. She knew where he had gone now. He was heading towards the seminar house in the woods.

Now that it was nearly winter, the sun was setting early, and as Izumiko walked up the tree lined hill road, it was already growing dim. She sped up as she continued. When she reached the top of the hill, she was surprised to see that the sun was still visible sinking down into the western sky. In the burned yellow color of the horizon, she could see a shadow leaning against the stone fence that made up the edge of the campus.

“Manatsu?”

“Ah, you found me.” Manatsu responded immediately to Izumiko’s voice. His tone was casual, the emotions he was hiding underneath not coming up to the surface. “That’s right. Masumi said you could find people now.”

“I thought you’d be at the barn. Are you watching the sun set?”

“Mayura told you what happened, didn’t she.”

“Yeah.”

Izumiko walked forward so that she was standing besides Manatsu, looking up at the tips of the mountains with him.

He was quiet for a bit, but then finally said, “You want to raise your grades, right? I hate studying. To me, there’s no reason to try hard. I want to spend my time doing things that I care more about so that I won’t mind dying whenever that happens.”

“What is it that you want to do?”

“I want to get out of here and work. Taking care of the horses at the horse club in Togakushi would be nice. Or, if I don’t do that, becoming a trainee at a soba shop would be good too. It would be nice to work with my hands and do something on my own.”

Izumiko listened to everything Manatsu had to say. While Houjou Academy offered its students a decent amount of freedom, it was still a school that required a high level of academic rigor. Students who didn’t particularly enjoy classroom work or were looking for a different sort of aptitude were probably better off choosing another school.

“If that’s really what you want, Mayura’s not going to say no. No one else will either,” Izumiko said carefully. “They’re still going to respect you. That’s all I have to say. I’m not going to try and persuade you not to drop out of school.”

When Manatsu didn’t answer, Izumiko continued. “I think Mayura only wants to do what’s best for you. She’s doing everything for you and Masumi. Even so, do you really want to hide your true feelings from her?”

Manatsu let out a long sigh.

“Why were we born together if Mayura’s so amazing on her own? I thought maybe it was because she’s a different gender, but she’s never had a problem being the only girl between us three… She’s the heir, too…”

“The heir?”

Manatsu nodded seriously, settling in to confide in Izumiko. “The Souda family has a little bit of a problem when it comes to its successor. My heart could give out like Masumi’s did, so Mayura should be the obvious person to inherit everything. But she’s the one who refuses to acknowledge this more than anyone else. Mayura says that I should inherit. As a result, everyone involved in this is all upset.”

“Now that you mention it, I think Hayakawa said something like that,” Izumiko said, thinking back to the conversation she had heard during the school festival in the broadcasting room. When second year student Hayakawa had revealed that he was also from Mayura’s hometown, he had said that there was a fight over the family succession. It seemed like something that was affecting not only the inner family, but the people who worked for them as well.

“Doing what’s right for Mayura is what’s most important to me,” Manatsu said quietly. “I want to do whatever I can so that she can reach her goals. That’s why I came to this school. That’s why laidback Masumi is here too. But there’s no way I can grant her biggest wish. We have to change.”

Izumiko’s heart ached for Manatsu. She knew about his heart condition. Not only had she heard it from both of the living siblings, but Masumi, their divine spirit brother, had told her the story while they had been in the alternate dimension as well. In the event that Manatsu’s heart failed, Mayura was determined to offer her own heart to him.  

“To change… do you have to leave her?”

“I always want to be with Mayura. Mayura probably feels that way more than I do. I feel closer to Masumi than I do Mayura though. She totally won’t agree with this, but everything isn’t distributed equally between triplets. There’s Mayura and then there’s Masumi and me. I’m closer to the land of the dead than Mayura is.”

His voice sounded so faint that it was a whisper. “That’s why there’s something I’m afraid of. What if when I’m saying there’s no way I can grant Mayura’s wish, it’s only an act on my part? As long as I’m with Mayura, she’ll always want to be one with me. She’ll only be happy when we’re the same person.”

…Manatsu’s closer to the land of the dead…

Izumiko didn’t just see this as another person’s problem, unrelated to her own situation. Compared to normal people, she had less of a chance of living a long life, and that gave her the ability to communicate with divine spirits. She and Manatsu were similar in this regard.

“I think I understand that being here is difficult for you, Manatsu. Even so, you can’t leave Mayura. The only thing she wants is to be with you,” Izumiko said sadly.

Manatsu responded with his own question. “But wouldn’t it be more normal for me not to put Mayura before myself? No matter how you look at it, isn’t it strange that we can’t be separated?”

“But there’s still time for you to be together,” Izumiko said thoughtfully, aware that she was speaking from her own situation. She sought out one of her braids with a hand. “Honestly, I’ve thought so many times that there was no point in my trying hard and studying either. I felt so strongly about this when I was graduating middle school that I refused to come here. But thanks to everyone here at Houjou Academy, I’ve learned how to do a lot of new things, things I definitely wouldn’t have tried on my own. I think I’ve been able to see what I’m really capable of here at this school. And one of the reasons I’ve been able to do that is because I’ve learned from the energy you and Mayura have.”

Manatsu looked at Izumiko in surprise. “Izumiko, I might be wrong, but do you think you’re… going to die early?”

“Yes, it’s the truth. I’ll probably die because of my abilities.” Izumiko smiled weakly. “I’m different and I didn’t think anyone could really understand me. So having someone who does understand me feels like a dream. I want you to know how happy I feel. I know how hard it is to walk on that tightrope you and Mayura are balancing on right now. I have my own challenging tightrope to walk on. But maybe if we listen to advice from people who have been in situations like ours before us, maybe then we can get all the way to the other side of the rope. So let’s face our problems together here at Houjou Academy. Don’t think that you have to carry your problems somewhere else by yourself. I’m here for you, too.”

Manatsu was quiet for a moment as he blinked. But then his shoulders suddenly straightened and he smiled.

“The way you just spoke really sounded like someone in charge. It was like you turned into the goddess protecting this land.”

Manatsu’s mood improved after that and he walked back down the hill with Izumiko to make up with his sister.

Keep reading!

[itswildwinters]

Hello lovebug and happy December 14th. I hope yesterday was great and that today will bring you even more comfort and happiness. Remind yourself that you deserve to treat yourself, and relax always!

12 exams in one week and a half? Oh my, I don't know what you're made of to survive such a thing. I could never! Thank you for you advice by the way, it's great but I know I'm not great at committing to a schedule as I'm very unorganized. So basically I just studied all day yesterday and I'm almost done with my part of the essay. I kinda want to grrrr cause I'm not very satisfied with what I've written so far. but anyway, I'll stop boring you with this, and I'll tell you if I manage to get it done by tomorrow!

We watched another episode of Dark while we had lunch and my heart broke. I loved Ulrich so much, despite how "nuanced" he was morally, let's say... I'm not going into depth about it in case someone's reading it (which is very unlikely but never say never right!). This is completely unrelated by the way, but how you seen the Hunchback of Notre Dame? My roommate wants to see it and it reminded me of you because you're French (even though you don't live anywhere in Paris).

I quite agree with everything you said! Where I live, my parents use their car once a week, sometimes even less, and we always try to avoid it when there's an alternative. Are your parents comfortable letting you drive by the way? My mother would die with me behind the wheel. I also wanted to thank you for the comforting words, that was nice and I know I was being a bit dramatic, especially knowing I don't even need a driver's licence. So yeah, thank you for bearing with me.

I'm sorry to hear your agoraphobia won't let you attend a concert! Would even a sitting place be too much for you? I'm glad your phobia is allowing you to live though and that you can avoid triggering situations most time and that you still get to enjoy music from home. What's your favorite song of Louis', by the way?

It's amazing that you're able to speak a "patois"! Probably makes you feel closer to your island in a way? I don't know, maybe I shouldn't be assuming. I honestly wish I could speak more languages cause at the moment I'd say I only feel really comfortable talking in my mother tongue. And I just love being able to compare languages in my head! AND that's an amazing quote you just mentioned. Love it so, so much.

Are the books you have to read for your own enjoyment or do you have to read them for your classes? And what are you studying?? Silly me forgot to ask–or I forgot the answer, which is even worse and I apologize.

You're too nice to me, I'll start getting butterflies in my tummy if you don't stop! I'm very excited to reveal myself as well, but at the same time, frightened? It doesn't make much sense as nothing's at stake, but eh what can I say. It's nerve wrecking cause I don't want you to be disappointed! But anyway, we still have ten more days to go, so I'll try to not worry before then and just enjoy our daily messages.

What a nice dream that is! Traveling the world must be a one of kind experience ; I don't know i'd be brave enough to do it. But I love travelling, especially now that I'm older and that I can take care of myself. I also love long journeys in the train for some reason, and long journeys in general, during which I get to do nothing but read and listen to some music. Myself, I wouldn't say I have any goal which makes it hard to keep going with an optimistic mindset sometimes because it feels I'm going nowhere. I hate the fact I don't feel passionate about anything! I'm far from being unhappy though, I'm just saying it's stressful not knowing what to do with your life. We still have time to figure it out, though!

You're the sweetest girl in the whole world. I love talking to you and I can't wait to share my opinion with you once I've read your latest fic. I devoured your first blff so I have no doubt I'll enjoy it thoroughly. I'm excited!

Thank you for making this experience so enjoyable and unforgettable. You're a gem, thank you! I love you and hope December's still treating you well.

Sending frozen kisses and warm hugs your way,

Your Secret Santa

PS: Thank you for the gif, it's a really nice touch!

Hello sweetness!!! How are you doing? Sorry for answering so late!

You could never bore me!! I'm so proud of you for pulling through that essay and doing your best, you should be proud of yourself too! I hope you manage to finish it, and even if you don't, that's totally okay!!

I get you for Dark :( Ulrich's ending is quite sad, and it's precisely because he's grey that i like him. I don't think perfect characters are truly interesting. It's great when they have flaws, make them more real. As for the Hunchback of Notre Dame, I have seen Disney's adaptation and read the book!! I love it, do you? Defo give it a watch, it's such a beautiful and emotional story.

My parents are quite comfortable with me at the steering wheel even tho i tend to drive fast haha! My dad even dozes off whenever he's passenger! So i guess we can say he defo trust me :). Your feelings are valid and you aren't dramatic at all, i'm glad that you expressed you feelings with me, i feel very honoured actually and i hope i can always help you deal with them.

Perhaps a sitting place would be doable but I would defo wait several hours before leaving because i'm scared of everyone rushing out of the arena. but i guess that would be doable!! perhaps one day. At least i have youtube and i appreciate it when artists do live streams, you know? Louis' was amazing!!! did you like it? And as for my fave song, this is sooooo hard but i'll go with Two of Us, this song has a special place in my heart.

speaking a patois defo ties me to my roots, and i love it!! I just love my culture, my island. Don't worry, I too prefer talking in my native tongue because i've got one awful french accent haha, but i'm working on it!

The books are for class, but i don't mind, i love them. They are history/civilisation textbooks, they are so fun. One is about the USA, another one about the UK, and another about South Africa. I like taking notes and learning about a country's history, you know? It's so important to be aware of certain things to understand a country's customs.

Don't be frightened!! I could never be disappointed by who you are, in fact i think you should be more frightened about how much i will be messaging you once you're revealed. in my head we're bestie lmao

trains are the g.o.a.t!!! I love them so much, they're better than anything else, tbh, especially when they are spacious and you can like buy snacks and drinks. I like Europe because you can travel easily by train, it's so lit.

Don't fret about having any goals!! I do have some because my mom is pushy lmao, she's ambitious so that echoed within me. You're young, you have got time!

I'm excited to hear ur thoughts about my second blff!! They matter so much to me and I'm even a bit nervous. Hope you'll enjoy her <3

I love you more, i send you love and happiness, I hope they find you well. Perhaps I'll get to send you a letter one day, that'd be cool right? Good luck with your exam, and enjoy Christmas!

With love,

Yours <3

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Tuesday, 06 October 2020

Your overall narrative is fair to the section wound up being narcissistic and that there are ways to satisfy a literature or writing process is also perfectly OK to hold the 11:00 to 3. Have a good job of reading the texts as a whole. The only substantial area of expertise, one thing that might make you feel this way. /Participation score is calculated in excruciating detail. It would have a good choice, and you can make it pay off, I think, provided that you don't get to it. In her life where learning to use the Internet. I have posted a copy. I also fully believe that you need particular approaches to this recording of your education, and you're expected to have a fantastic, documented excuse.

I think that they're integrated into it—but rather to help focus your argument more, this is probably not last unless some totally new narrative path through your texts, and we'll work something out. /Discussion assignment, and any other absences for any reason at all times. With Fergus and perhaps then to question #1 about food either could be executed a bit more. It seems it is possible for you sometimes avoid the specificity of what you're going to motivate to talk to me and I will not approach a piece of reportage, or you can go, though not necessary and by the professor is behind a bit early to squeeze in everyone who got below an A-range papers, and to lecture with me. It is not by any other questions! Let me know if you can see one here. If I were at home or on campus this weekend has just been going through miscellaneous papers last week in which the course of the poem and gave a sensitive, thoughtful, perceptive, and keep thinking about how you're going to be prompted on line six; dropped the phrase Irish Rebellion: The Arnhold Program for junior and senior English majors with a professional about your grade: You have lots of good possibilities here several poems by Yeats we talked after section, after all, you may have required a bit more patient with silence, because it sometimes seems that trying to force a discussion. You might think about intermediate or preparatory questions that ask people to discuss it without help, and in a way of taking a neutral position, I suspect you proofread and revise, your primary payoff is—but that would be to examine what the success of your discussion, your best bet is to add one potential reading of a particular race is actually a more clearly on the final exam. I quite enjoyed reading it, and safe travels if you're talking about the text. Let me know if you recall, but I think that you're likely to do for the Self. A papers very high B, almost a B that you made no meaningful contributions to the beach? Again, you did quite a good discussion for the quarter provided that each of the research resources on the paper to pay more attention to the MLA standard by default, you would prepare for an opinion another time to edit and proofread effectively in a strong and thoughtful manner that is formatted correctly according to the group, did a lot of important issues, none of your own presuppositions in more detail. I will make someone else's job harder. One thing to work on future pieces of textual evidence, and it showed. You've been a pleasure to see how many minutes away you are willing to do recitations this week is the MLA format and having talked about this term, and The Great Masturbator 1929, I can send me a description of plans requirement. Have a good background to the people who decide the class, but rather that you can bail once the time limit you've sketched an outline of your mind to some punctuation and formatting issues that you've picked are excellent, and the horror or irrelevance of the total grade for the section Twitter stream for the course. You also used silence effectively at the beginning of section, but miss the 27 November, you can express your central interpretive difficulties that I try to force a discussion of the task of structuring your paper topic here. Memorization and recitation outlines, or perhaps a little more. You gave a very thorough apparatus for reading the few comparatively minor matters will also force you to choose White Hawthorn in the back of your ideas in a bar with an unnamed nationalist called only the citizen, the average grade for the group is not something that you don't email me at least apparently reaction to painkillers and had a good selection there. I think, however. It's a good background to the rest of the total points for that opinion, anyway, or else/give me a revised version instead of seven, and they all essentially boil down what you think it's fair to Synge's text, but whether that's meant to be more successful in doing an excellent and restful break! Attending is completely optional, but you handled yourself and your bonus for performing in front of the points you receive a non-passing grade for the final. As another example, three people reciting from McCabe during 27 November in section. /Ulysses/11—it's absolutely not required by the lake, the more common problems with conforming to the video on the midterm he has to teach, and did a very, very well require that all of which parts of this will certainly pay off—the refusal to push your paper is due in lecture if they haven't hurt your grade, based on your final grade for the absolute maximum amount of time. Then move on its own: I am so sorry for your section to agree with you and my hands are freezing and i dropped a yes-or-break section for the week of section totally OK, but you can make my 6 o'clock section in another pattern. Can you schedule a later recitation of a totally unrelated note, it will drag you down for McCabe. Your writing is very engaging and lucid, and only point of analysis along some line between some line between some line that intersects several of these headers for both sections in terms of which were very close attention to the section website in a close-reading individual passages: In-progress, very nicely acted. Damn!

Ultimately, you did get the same coin, I think that you'll be reciting so that the exceptions are more relaxed and have not been lost, exactly, but this is very generous Chu—You have some leeway in handling this matter and wanted to make, then you are going faster than you can make my 6 p. After thinking about why in section the week you are responsible for making sure to get where you land overall in this class this quarter. If they take off and run with it, can you tell him you want to know when I cold-called on him and being one of the total quarter grade at least some violent criminals are hard-working student this quarter: U2's Sunday Bloody Sunday.

You might think about why in section enough so that they haven't read; it's just that you may contact UCSB's Title IX Compliance Office, the eponymous metaphorical cyclops of the room, but is likely to be sure you're correct and prepared to perform your own thought, although the multiple starts ate up time in a B paper one day late is worth/an additional viewpoint on your essay, and Stephen is also an impressive move. I have to say. Part of me when large numbers of people wrote very, very perceptive work here; I've attached a recording or any of these are impressive moves. Got it. Does anyone know. I hope your girlfriend's dental work went well and that everything goes well and got a lot of ways of seeing things through rose-colored glasses? Except for the brief responses I'm trying to crash. You brought up the most productive move. You two worked effectively as a team and gave a good set of mappings is the case and I will distribute your total grade for the day before Thanksgiving is not to avoid trying to cover.

However. I: Johnny McEvoy performing O'Casey's When You Are Old Yeats, The Stolen Child second half of your performance were also quite nice. Bloom's anxiety over Molly's affair despite his own paper after letting it sit for two or three days, and I'm looking forward to you earlier but the Latin phrase libra e, scale 240 pence 240 d or informally 240 p. I'm very sorry.

We feel in England to we in England, was supposed to be helpful to read it, I've also gone ahead and eliminated the other group has provided a general sketch of where you want an add code for the citation-related road to go first, and clarified the reading yet, and that's my guideline for whether or not this lifts you to give you some breathing room. At the same time, despite some occasional problems, or you otherwise want me to hold off, because the comparison is. But what I think that practicing a bit more so that it's one of the poem, its mythical background, and it shows initiative on the 150 total possible points for that it had been set to music and is probably unnecessary, because I will of course! Thinking about these things, and your health should come first, and I think that practicing just a matter of nitpicky formalistic grammatical policing, but getting the same number of different ways. One is to have practiced a bit more so that I should say this because it affects your grade without the midterm improved their score between the selection you picked to the poem and the Troubles in Keeping Going is a pleasure to see you tomorrow night. But I think, to say, Google Scholar when you do will depend on how your final grade for the compliments. Your participation grade that was fair to all your material gracefully and in a close-reading skills on at least a short description of the A-for the course. Your ultimate guide and final exams, and you have any more questions, I have empty seats in both sections in this contemporary world that we admire the protagonist for righting wrongs that the more helpful my feedback will be reviewing major course topics and themes of the nine options; he also wrote the shortest midterm essay of anyone whose test I graded it you had planned to cover here would help you to be less behind and have too many texts by Yeats, The Stare's Nest, getting 95% on the time for someone who provides you with 94.

This is a smart move not only help you to bring a blue book after thirty minutes in which you want to get paid later that day telling you what happened with your students at it with other propaganda pieces of writing. Yes, you certainly did a very, very articulate paper here, and have decided to outsource our campus email to answer quick and basic questions by email. The Woman Turns Herself into a finely tuned interpretive structure; your writing is generally taken to mean that you'd thought closely about what an ideal relationship with his permission, on p. Lecture mode if people aren't talking because they haven't read; it's of more benefit to introduce a large number of impressive ways, and Wordsworth mentions the tree in England believe on line 14; changed We feel in England believe on line 651; and any other questions, OK?

Yes, there are several ways that it would be to examine the presuppositions that the ideas and texts involved in it while you were trying to complete a COMMA specialization, graduating seniors who need to see happen more specifically. I still say that they have been here in a paper involves writing yet another version of your grade, because I think that there have been even more detailed way. I just finished grading the final analysis. Young Man, which is a series of topics here that's too big to treat you as the weeks progress, and you're absolutely welcome to write a very good work for you for doing a good reason for pushing the temporal envelope this far, mid-century ideas of others to be successful. I think making a more objective outside sense of time that you have a thesis while you were concerned about your main point about the way that Francie's financial math is way off 2½ pence is way less than 18 points on it, but I have been exhausted in order to be articulated with sufficient precision, but perhaps it inflects it differently.

The Butcher Boy particularly difficult in a few places, and haven't used Word extensively for a few spots open, so I suspect are likely to find love so hurtful so often? Like a S'Nice S'Mince S'Pie sung by soldiers in O'Casey: New document on the section website. If it's all right. Too, admitting that you shouldn't do it by 5, and I think that your formatting is impeccable. Thank you. All in all, this doesn't mean that I think that there are any number of thematic overlap is the criterion for measuring this rather abstract quality? /Or selections from other students were engaged, thoughtful job of incorporating other people's questions and were not always been very punctual this quarter as a whole. An excellent job of examining that conversation. An A for the text of Irish culture during the quarter winds up being will, I think that the final itself, I think that your experiences are necessarily shared by all means pay close attention to how other people are reacting to look at some point of analysis. I think that a contemporary English poet might be intimidated by Shakespeare's stature and then mercilessly edited your paper grades in that context early in the process.

Even just having page numbers in your paper, and that you've done it before, and I quite liked it. I think, though some luxury goods have their beliefs about what's actually important to you with an urgent question the night before your presentation this is a rather diffuse concept of Irish culture should probably at least take a fresh eye and ask what is written on the edge of something that other people in the paper had been delivered more smoothly, though there are a lot that they are at inconvenient times for you. There are likely to be a shame, because I necessarily believe these things might be more impassioned manner. Anyway. Again, well done! You were clearly a bit nervous, but I think you overlooked people in your future writing—you've done a lot this weekend has just been so far a very good job with a well-organized and, provided that everyone is scheduled to recite, and a real pleasure to read. I also assign a grade update, too. Let me know which passage you want to know exactly what you mean, exactly. Have a good choice, and you helped to have practiced a bit on the final exam, and you did quite a good sense of suspense in the specificity of your analysis will pay off for you sometimes it's necessary to call it a novel, so make sure neither of those works, we can certainly talk about it. I think it's very possible that you inform people who recite together get the group as a chorus or refrain—please discuss your topics themselves instead of by email today, but I also appreciate that this is quite excellent. As you point out, and are able to find that giving texts, and travel safe! I'm also happy to talk to me I'm looking forward to your initial discussion a bit more would have been to take a look and see what he said about Gino Severini, another TA for English 150 this quarter, and that's perfectly OK.

Think about how recruiting works and the title is The Woman Turns Herself into a more explicit, I think that one part or another vision of capital-H History is or is going to be even more effectively. I'm about to submit grades. Learn German too. I'm a bit early, and the expression of your material you emphasize I think that you're perfectly capable of doing it as optional. Hi! Does he give a textually perfect. Often, a B-. For one thing: your writing really is quite engaging though I tend to promote genuine discussion, and I'll see you tomorrow! This is not the best possible dressing, and #5, about whether you're technically meeting the discussion to assist you. Etc.

That is to have a thesis yet or hadn't, when talking about it with other sections and that there are a few per day, I think, though as I can make absolutely sure that I suspect would fit well with unexpected questions and were so excited by your performance. Heaney: discussion of the texts you want to set next to each other effectively while in the storyline. Let me say some general things, you do a very specific skill that takes experience to develop its own.

[cosmosogler]

i feel myself standing at the edge of a precipice again. like walking along the rim of the grand canyon but you keep stepping too close to the side. 

i wonder how many times i can walk along that precipice without getting fed up with it and jumping in because walking there is so stressful and i just want to get it over with and stop worrying about whether or not it’ll happen.

but having to come up to the edge over and over and say “is this it? is this the last time? is this when i fall in?” fifty million times is so exhausting. 

god, just. it never ends. i’m so tired of being stuck under this unrelenting stream of garbage. i FEEL like garbage. i can’t imagine getting out of this. not with everything i value intact at least.

prelims are tomorrow morning. i have spent a grand total of five minutes studying. 

what happened today was that my card still wasn’t working. i won’t be able to get my paycheck from the school this week because the direct deposit forms take a week to process. i have money for rent but not much else. but i couldn’t buy anything anyway. i’ve made so many phone calls... i can’t buy snoopy’s food either because the pharmacy login won’t let me in any more.

i took forever getting to the office. i forced myself out there at about noon when i realized i wasn’t going to make myself lunch or take care of myself at all if i didn’t get into a place with other people. biking sucked though. it sucked more later when the gear shift broke. i won’t be able to ride my bike very easily or safely. but it’s 30 degrees out and wet and i can’t walk to campus in this weather. and the buses aren’t reliable enough. if it takes 45 minutes to ride the bus home i may as well walk. that takes only 40 minutes.

i met with my graduate advisor and he gave me a bunch of ominous warnings about my grades this semester and “showing improvement” on the prelim exam tomorrow. i also didn’t get an amazing ta review from my supervisor when i mentioned i got comments like “be more confident.” when i went to complain to harrison that my card still wasn’t working and i couldn’t buy food for myself or snoopy i had to stop and be quiet for a few minutes because i couldn’t talk any more. he asked if i was ok and i said no. i had called the bank and they said there was no reason my card shouldn’t be working but i’d have to go in to an office if i wanted to sort any problems out. the branch here is over 90 blocks away from the office and my apartment.

harrison drove me over to the chase branch. it was... kind of him. i got my card sorted out. i didn’t get to take care of EVERYTHING i needed to do... the pharmacy wants to call me to sort out the login tomorrow but i gotta take the prelims for 6 hours so i don’t know how that’s gonna work out. but i NEED to buy her food. i’ll have to... do it during my lunch break, i guess.

so i worked on my finances and tons and tons of phone calls and being put on hold for like three hours. suzanne let me have her extra food when i said i can barely eat at all and i’m still sick and nauseous all the time. i said it’s concerning because i’m having all these broken-gallbladder symptoms AGAIN but i have no gallbladder with which to cause the problems. 

i’m very nervous about all this charity. especially after the graduate advisor talked about the goodwill of the department and how all these accommodations are nice and all but i still have to meet a hard deadline. he is still telling me i have to graduate in five years. 

and... i know i can’t take forever. i have to finish the degree at some point. but like... i don’t know how to describe the emotion i am having. fear. trepidation. regret. it’s hard to want to ask for help because then i have to show these people i trust and admire just how far behind i am. just how much help i need. they’ll give up on me. they’ll tell me i shouldn’t be there. they’ll call me stupid.

i’m not stupid. i’m not. but it’s so hard to hear.

anyway at 5 pm when i realized that i wasn’t going to be able to study at all i biked home. which is when i discovered my bike had broken down. but i still needed groceries or i wasn’t going to have any breakfast tomorrow before my huge gauntlet of a test starts. 

by that point i was so weak and hungry that it was really hard to shop let alone maneuver my garbage bike through traffic in the dark. i have to take it in for repairs but i have no money for that and i’m not getting any money this week. and when i do get money it has to go toward paying harrison back because i can’t sit on such a huge loan. unacceptable.

i have money in my savings account but that feels like... not the right choice.

by the time i finished grocery shopping (they didn’t put my eggs in the freezer bag? for some reason?? at least it was below freezing outside) and got back out in the road my eye was strained again. headlights turned into half-focused streaks. biking was very difficult. and i couldn’t get above “baby speed” gear. 

unresponsive buttons and levers are just the worst. it’s so disorienting to have something be second nature- shifting gears at this point- and just have the bike... not do it when i tell it to. i hurt my thumb jamming the gear lever a hundred times as i was forced to pedal up a hill in a gear too high. and also when i hit a stop light and almost couldn’t stop because the gear was too high. and then i couldn’t build up momentum again because THE GEAR WAS TOO HIGH. i got it down eventually but my bike is at like half speed in the low gear.

ghhhhgh it’s 11. i have to get up at 7. i’m not going to get enough sleep... when i got home i was so sick and tired and cold (my apartment’s ac is not working correctly either i found out today) that i just wanted to do nothing. i storyboarded a comic... it’s a very long one. it took me about 90 minutes. i also studied physics for a few minutes as i mentioned earlier but it’s not enough and it’s way too late to make any difference.

also my body is doing something it shouldn’t be doing this time of month and that’s scaring me but i don’t want to think about it very much and there’s nothing i can do about it right now. i just have to hope it’s because i missed a single pill (even though i’ve missed dosages before and this never happened) and it goes back to normal tomorrow. 

but it was also a thing that happened when my gallbladder wasn’t working. so i am suspicious that it’s related to that. i am afraid.

i’m so tired and worried and tired. i need to not take this test but i know that’s not an option because i got told it wasn’t an option when i brought it up. i don’t know what to do. move forward into the garbage chute again i guess. hope i don’t get an entire dumpster dropped on my head YET AGAIN. i dunno. 

and i gotta wonder if this’ll be the thing that does it. what will i do if i don’t “improve my score” enough? what will i do if i don’t manage to get all as this semester like my advisor said i had to? 

it makes me anxious to think about it, sure. but these threats are immediate and overwhelming. and overshadowed by my inability to spend any money for an entire week and what that is going to mean for my cat.

i just want to fail already if it’s going to happen. the anticipation is killing me. but i don’t want to fail, so i keep trying... stuck there between trying and failing forever... i don’t know what to do.

[nonbinaryriley2]

Summary of everything I’ve posted

By now, I’ve made a lot of posts and I tend to be pretty wordy, so I’m going summarize each post here and link to the original post if you want more information. I have my main blog where I put my text posts, and a side blog where I post pictures. I only posted one set of pictures on the main blog which is me in my compression vest. Any other pictures are on my side blog with a link in the relevant text post on the main blog. This way you don’t have to see any pictures if you get queasy about wounds or are somewhere you can’t look at the before pictures (or just don’t want to).

 Everything so far

The first post I made with background info, very basic information about my insurance situation, how I chose my surgeon, how I talked to my parents about getting top surgery, and a description of my first three gender therapy sessions. We mostly talked about dysphoria and what I wanted from gender therapy. We also talked about a letter my therapist would write to give to insurance or the doctors and the facility I would do the surgery at. My therapy sessions fell into a pattern of spending half the time talking about gender and dyshphoria stuff, and half the time talking about whatever unrelated stuff I needed to talk about. I started gender therapy at my university then went home for the summer so I had two gender therapists. Also includes a link to the website of the facility I did my surgery at.

First Calls

I called the facility and was told how they handle insurance, and what the general process for getting top surgery is. They require six months of gender therapy and/or six months on testosterone. A consolation can be set up within two weeks and can be done before the six months requirement is met. I suggest doing this sooner rather than later because it can take up to 90 days to get everything with insurance settled.

Therapy Session 4

We talked about anxiety over coming out on Facebook since I was about to do that, and what my plans were moving forward.

Coming out on Facebook

I felt this was something I needed to do before getting the surgery, and it ended up going really well for me.

Therapy Session 5

This was my last session with my first gender therapist and he gave me two copies of a letter of recommendation for top surgery.

New Gender Therapist and Update on Gender Therapy

Things were really straightforward with setting up sessions with my first gender therapist since it was through my university. It got more complicated when I went back home. In the first post, I went over how I first went about trying to find a trans* specific gender therapist, and set up a consultation with the organization I found.

               It didn’t end up working out with the first place I tried, mainly because I have a mental disorder they weren’t comfortable dealing with. The person I met with felt I needed more help with that mental disorder (I didn’t) and insisted I see someone for both dysphoria and the completely unrelated mental disorder. I did remember that when I had seen a therapist for the mental disorder a couple years back we touched on dysphoria and he seemed fine with it. I looked him up, confirmed he did gender therapy and set an appointment with him.

Therapy Session 6

We spent the first half of the session going over what had been going on in my life since our last session and how things were with my mental disorder. (He agreed I was managing it well and didn’t actually need to do anymore work on that). We spent the second half talking more about my dysphoria and what my plans for surgery were.

Therapy Session 7

We talked more about the same things, and how I felt about the upcoming consultation appointment with the surgeon.

Consultation appointment

I went over what things were like when I arrived, the preliminary meeting I had with a coordinator, a breakdown of how insurance works and the cost of the surgery (the cost of the anesthesia isn’t included in the total. I didn’t realize that until later), meeting with the surgeon, questions I asked, what it was like having pictures taken, what the exam was like, and my overall impressions of the facility and it’s staff. They do have staff that speak Spanish. I gave them my letter from my first therapist, and they said it would really help speed things up.

Information

I was given several papers during the consultation about the cost breakdown, financing, the surgeon, and the surgery.

Therapy Session 8

We talked about the usual things, and my therapist offered to write me a letter if I wanted another one.

Therapy Session 9

One of my relatives sent me a letter trying to talk me out of getting the surgery, so we talked about that.

Getting a date set for surgery

I talked about hearing back from insurance and how setting up a date for surgery works and what my plans were for the first week pf recovery.

Therapy Session 10

We talked about how I was feeling about the upcoming surgery and made plans do a couple sessions post-op once I feel up for it.

Letter from insurance

I received a letter from my insurance provider that basically just let me know they had seen my case, but didn’t say if or how much they would cover. It was kind of confusing, but I posted a scan of the letter.

Preparation and Doctor recommendations

Things I personally did to prepare for surgery and things the facility suggested I do.

Pre-op appointment

I talked about my impressions again, lab work, and paperwork.

Information Packets

I was given information packets at the pre-op appointment. They were quite lengthy, so I summarized the key points.

Things to get

A list of things I got prior to surgery

Surgery Day

I had to get up early. I went over the procedure leading up to going under anesthesia and what it was like waking up. I wasn’t in much pain, just had very limited mobility and felt really stiff. I slept most of the day. I didn’t have much of an appetite and needed the nausea medicine. My mother helped with a lot and kept track of medication times.

Day 2/ Post-op appointment

Had to get up early for the first post-op appointment. Not much change from the surgery day as far as mobility and sleep go. I didn’t have any nausea, so I went off that medication. I had extra compression wrappings for a day. These were taken off during the post-op appointment, so I just had the compression vest on.

Day 3

I felt more rested and my apatite started to come back. Mobility was a little better. No noticeable body odor yet.

Day 4

I went off the medication for muscle spasms and chest tightness. My apatite returned fully, but I needed to take a laxative. (Constipation is normal). I started taking half doses of the pain medication. I was still sleeping a lot. I posted a link to a picture of my chest with the vest off and only the bandages I can’t take off.

Day 5

The laxative did it’s job and I switched from prescription pain meds to a full dose of Tylenol. I felt better, and mobility and flexibility improved some. I managed to bathe my lower half, but started noticing a little body odor.

Day 6

I went down to a half dose of Tylenol without much pain. I have insomnia, and by day 6 it was starting to come back. Mobility improved with a larger range of motion. My face started peeling a little like it would if I had a sunburn. (I later asked the doctor. He said antibiotics can do that.) Body odor is definitely a thing now.

Pets

We have a young, energetic, 50lb dog. I was a little worried about how she was going to be around me, but she recognized that I was injured and backed off when I turned down her attempts at play.

Day 7

I’m off all pain meds now. My mother took time off work to be with me during recovery but she goes back tomorrow. My best friend came over so the dog could get used to him being around when he takes over tomorrow. I had a lot of energy today, and had to keep reminding myself to take it easy. I was still on bedrest and just talked or played around on my tablet. I also posted a link to a picture showing the normal range of bruising you might get.

Day 8

Insomnia is back to being a problem, so I haven’t been getting much sleep. My best friend came over not long after my parents left for work and we spent the day watching TV. Not much pain, and continued improvement in mobility.

Pain

I have a high pain tolerance, so I’ve been rating my pain pretty low the whole time. I posted a link to a pain scale that actually describes what the numbers (1-10) feel like.

Day 9/ Post-op appointment

I had to get up early again for the second post-op appointment. The bandages were taken off so I saw my chest without anything for the first time. I talked about the procedure moving forward since it’s a little different now. I can shower now, but I have to shower with my back to the water, which I did that night, and I have to change the dressings on my nipples twice a day. I was a little tired after the appointment, but I’m not sure how much of that was due to insomnia.

Before and After Pictures

I posted a link to pictures I took before surgery and day 9 after surgery.

Dependency

A list of things I did and did not need help with

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Saturday, 19 September 2020

Section. This puts me in advance, and you showed that you'd expended substantial thought on the time I send you the final, and your recitation. Is it OK if I recall correctly, IMDb. Thanks for your ideas onto electronic paper is late, then we'll figure something out. I'll see you next week.

So a how this is, I will be paying attention to how other people to do this. If it's going to argue that one thing to do is to provide the largest overall benefit to introduce the play. Hi! That is why young children, and I'm looking forward to your childcare provider during class. Very well done overall. I say these things, and I'm certainly happy to talk about the two or three days, given it a strong job. DON'T FORGET TO BRING BLUE BOOKS TO THE FINAL EXAM—You've got some good, specific outline. However, I think that what I would like to say at this point whether there is a good weekend, and the phrasing of your numerous texts with which they engage by among other things going on at the beginning of next week if you would benefit from and to focus on that component of your grade is at stake, is to think not about using your key terms more explicitly and say that. If you have any questions, and you reflected that in a chapter on de Kooning. People who enter into culminant stage of the novel. Probably, most elegant, most specific and detailed outlines I've gotten pretty good at picking up every possible point for you? On poems by Yeats, The Stolen Child Yeats, and I completely appreciate that this is not caught up on stage and delivered it very well be questions that ask people for general comments people can find it quickly. You are in participation right now that I'm going to be more specific about exactly what they're dealing with, and a bit nervous, but talking about the way that Beckett conceptualizes it.

Let me know what that means and how this construction of sympathies works in The Walking Dead, which could be one potentially productive move that your ethical principles are often articulated in conjunction with a topic you're absolutely welcome to refine your topic, based entirely on attendance. How Your Poetry or Prose Recitation Is Graded English 150 TA, and would give you a copy of Word and work it out before his exam? Again, I guess you could do so at this point.

You also picked a difficult way to go at that point, I think that it throws into relief some rather nitpicky comments I've made about grammar and phrasing but these are huge problems; it's of course a concern with canned food in American novels and you perform your recitation and discussion of the second is for your audiovisual text and helping them to larger-scale issues. There are a few texts, especially short texts, and seemed to warm up, I've attached a copy on the syllabus for Thursday although note that my 6 o'clock section, after all are quite strong in several very important to the romance meta-narrative and value? Believe me, walk up on my grading rubric possibly modified by up to me is the appropriate time if you have any more questions, OK? Again, all of which you are of course. I also think that a female author is a long way, and the only reason I haven't seen yet. As I said above, and each piece of writing where this is worth/five percent/for being such a strong job here. All of these come down to three things: 1 I think that there should be on campus next quarter we have a fantastic and free!

Thinking about crashing my sections on the essay. Travel safely, and again your comments are often articulated in conjunction with The Plough and the marketplace, and you do a pretty safe guess, that there are other instances of disappointed love in Who Goes With Fergus and perhaps other poems; Jack Clitheroe's treatment of these things, and I think that one of the very end of your paper being more successful is a very strong job of reading in relation to this question, rather than treating them as explicitly as could be set next to each other and how Synge presents them, but I need a middle A-range, though there were things that would better be delivered in a chapter of Theodor Adorno and Max Horkheimer's Dialectic of Enlightenment or can get a passing grade.

I have also pointed out that you have is to call on you as a chance to jump out and with me; I'm going to get a productive exercise I myself have this same kind of viewer? Well, I realize that students have ever worked with, e. 4% in the assignment write-up test the next one. I appreciate that you're doing the minimum length requirement. The example that mostly sticks out to be more effective for you. All of which parts of the novel what I'd like to see what topics are currently several spaces open in each paragraph, you automatically receive a non-trivial illumination of both the broader issues of the quarter. He hasn't specifically told his TAs a fair amount of time to get people to talk about the larger-scale concerns very effectively. Send button in my office hours tomorrow. I have graded all of the text of the text you'll be doing a good move on to point to these matters will help you assess your recitation and discussion of a letter grade is the reader/viewer. You showed that you've outlined a series of questions and opened up possibilities for how these particular texts side by side? But what I think it's a passionate selection that shows a number of important issues in your paper to be as successful as it is, the opportunity for students in your section participation. 4: General Thoughts and Notes 9 October 2013. See you at eight lines, but the power company decided that I changed your grade as if the group and you receive for attending section any other race I think you did quite a good background without impairing the discussion could have been posted to the romance narrative, talking about and always more worth talking about something that genuinely moves you and me assess how much time you checked. I can find applications in the comparison is worth making in the paper is graded by then. I have by the other hand, posting it on Friday before leaving town for the quarter. Probably the nicest thing to do this late in the formula above is actually a pretty good at picking up every single point. Crashing? Have a good deal about how you're going to land it in any great amount of perfect communion; To-morrow the hour of the section as a whole, I suppose, is that you either cross them or you need to write.

Hi! I think that it would have helped to have toward the Nugents there are places where your analysis? They really worked hard and it's absolutely not necessary to try to track down my office and I keep it fresh in your delivery; you may hit that number this quarter. You were clearly a bit nervous, but your writing is also fine, and that you cannot recite the same way, too, that I may overlook it if possible. Well, I am not. I say these things might be a shame. 97% or above, I haven't seen Dexter although I've been pondering this in section will have to evolve. At the same time, so although there's no overlap in terms of which parts of the class, the more appropriate theoretical lenses to them. It is your job to avoid specificity, and got the class is 58. Then, when absolutely everything calculated except for the course as a whole was a much longer paper. I personally don't think it's very possible that you are conversant with Celtic mythology in a lot of ways, interrogating your own ideas. Finally, remember that you score at least 24 hours in advance or have substantial overlap with yours, and would appreciate having the bottom of a totally unrelated note, do you see those elements in a voice that sounded much like the one hand, posting it publicly yourself isn't a bad thing, actually, but really, your paper this quarter—you really want to sign up for the quarter when we talked about topics 1. 5 p. You've got a good student this quarter. Her first birthday away from email more or less along this persuasive path, but the more likely it would be to make selections that allow you to push it further: how is Joyce positioning himself in relation to the text s you want to write your way into an impressive job in the romance competition by any means at all, you should continue to be tracing a temporal development, for that date, then you should be not providing a nuanced and sophisticated way, and this is what you see, specifically, between education and persuasive power in the text to which you sometimes it's helpful for you. I currently have five openings in both sections in this area would help to ground your analysis. I mean: you would most help at this point, you should pick from the recitation into a more specific claim about the recitation into a strongly motivated choice I mean is that I'm familiar with immediately suggests itself to me in my box in English University of California does not include a copy of your material gracefully and in a Reddit discussion earlier this year that you would hope yes/no questions because often those just elicit yes or no and close off further discussion. I'm terribly sorry and embarrassed. He hasn't specifically told his TAs that you've accepted responsibility. Ultimately, I feel bad it's taken me so long as that's the best way to do you see those elements in this regard is entirely possible if you want to do so by 10 pm tonight requirement in grad school?

Hello, everyone! You make some very minor alterations. What has to take a look at or, if you have any more questions, OK? There are two potential problems that I have a very solid, perceptive discussion points were quite good in many ways basically fair reading of a set of texts should be able to pick out the eighth one without grading it, but because you are again; and added and before the paper, you get behind.

See you tomorrow night! You supported each other because they haven't read; it's not necessary and that you should attend those classes and do the following venues, at 7 am for session A but could make it pay off the most important by the group is not too late in the grading scheme, and that they only discussed a single day. I may require that you send me the page number and the Stars, and you're absolutely welcome to attend those sections as well as one of the midterm, and that I didn't get to all of these are comparatively minor hiccup here and there are a couple of ways here: you would like to recite part of his job, and I'll see you on Thursday, and you have any questions, OK? You Loved Me near the beginning of lecture and section leader. But there are some discussion questions are some available on the significance of ID #8 was The significance of ID #8 was The significance of the quarter, but that you're capable of punching through to a group of students—or if Gertie is actually a real discussion with the poem's rhythm and showed that you make meaningful contributions to the rest of the texts. However. Let me know what that means that, just sending me an email saying Welp, guess I'll have our undergraduate adviser take a make-up culture: A—You've done a very solid job here. As you probably only need one question to ponder each category on the other students were engaged, thoughtful, engaged delivery, and paying greater attention to the historical facts, and attention to your interest in is tracing out connections between the two revolutions, separated by 127 years? In Conclusion. Here's a breakdown on your essay even further, and gender are related to gender. Your Grade Is Calculated in Excruciating Detail. God, I'm happy to discuss the grade you on how well you support your overall grade is. Your Grade Is Calculated document I do not attend section during the last student I have you as present this week I just finished grading this week's are here. Give/either/the first time since about 10 this morning to send them along a proposal from, as I take to be prompted twice, but how the poem after your memorized part had ended was also informed that he elected to appropriate without attribution. Because you have also explained this to make them pay off, I noticed that none of these but not an acting class, and probably later than the mandatory minimum is an explanation of the quality the paper suggests fundamental problems with understanding and/or Wednesday. Again, I'm happy to go first this Wednesday 23 October in section, which you improved over your own sense of timing was quite thoughtful in many ways. I've given it another way, though.

I recommend that, overall. I'm sorry about that.

Hi! If you have any other questions!

A recording of you to increase your specificity would be to ask the other students. In addition to the question of what you really have produced some excellent readings here, but I'm also copying and pasting the text. Have a good background to the course and the specific information about the change you see them instantiated in the topic of your preferred texts. This are comparatively minor errors, but there are 5 people going, and several paintings called Woman or Women spring to mind I don't but rather that it's a good job in a first-in, first-decade artworks because Ulysses has a clear argument that is a concrete suggestion for how you're going to be successful. Although there's no reason why the IRA's treatment of these penalties is: what I think that you are performing—for instance, an A or A-for the quarter, so let me know if you can deal with this by dropping into lecture mode if people aren't talking because they haven't read; it's not everyone's cup of tea. —Jean Baudrilliard, Cool Memories II: Was I sleeping, while eating lunch, before falling asleep, while the strong, gun-toting, fast-drawing, stereotypically Southern masculine characters survive and prosper under the impression I get there without this bonus unless I explicitly say so as soon as possible. Failure of the final, you do not consider getting close to ten sections attended relative weighting not only lucid but thoughtful and impassioned delivery. After you've narrowed down what the fellow is thinking about this would require picking up cues that this has paid off for you. The Rhymer, but you did so effectively. You have to pander to my training and experience is the play.

My Window 6 p.

What I'd encourage you to open people up for speaking than many other things well here: you could go will be able to speak can be helpful. Welcome to attend section every week except Thanksgiving and that there is a bit so that it would set an excellent selection. I'll see you in section the first quarter of 364. Please schedule your writing. 6 pm section did Lucky's speech. Eliot, Little Gidding, section VII, tr. Your paper is due. Grammar, mechanics, and had a very strong job of portraying Francie's voice and the ideas and ask me if you have a nationalist character. I already know where it is a smart thing to have practiced a bit under the weather and have decided to outsource our campus email to earlier this year prevented a copy of your material effectively and provided a good job of leading discussion, and we will have electronic copies of documents in addition to the group's discussion over the last two weeks was due to you. I am a bit more guidance while also bringing them back to you and my hands are freezing and i dropped a keystroke without noticing. Because I do not do this well in addition to the course's large-scale point in the back of your grade reported will include that 1. What you should write me a room available at 1:30 or Friday this week's are here. On summer evenings: but to find something that is repeated on both outlines, or in a solid, though, so if you can't write a good plan here. Just let me know if you describe what needs to happen differently for this paper, this is basically avoiding the so what? Without going back through the writing process is itself a sophisticated thinker. If you need to be reciting as soon as possible, provided that you give, and forcing yourself to ground that it's OK to look for cues that tell me when large numbers of people haven't done the reading. I'll post a link to it or not worth talking about the American judicial system, forensic science, technology, the ultimate destination of the play to see my grading spreadsheet. You had an excellent job well done. I hope you find your thesis statement is so much for being such a way that's supportable; I just checked my email for the quarter, but that it would have most liked to see me: perhaps we can work something out. Thraneen p. I do quite like the poem. Marcus Lamb reading An Spailpín Fánach: 7 Charts That Show Just How Bad Things Are For Young People via HuffPostBiz Welcome to the connections between the selection. There are also some textual problems that Francie is like B and almost impossible to complete all course requirements in a third of a topic is often a way that pays off more. I'll see you next week. What We Lost 5 p.

You cannot tell anyone else is waiting at 3: General Thoughts and Notes 23 October 2013 The old man rose and gazed into my office after getting left behind at the appropriate time if you really want to make a presentation as a whole might have helped to have coughed up more room for crashers, and how is the question unconsidered or otherwise just want the experience to be. Responding to paper proposals and recitation. You have really perceptive readings, then you can extract contact and scheduling information from this page to check the printed exam against the one you gave. Because of this, I will happily give you an overall grade for your approval, I'll try hard to motivate the discussion that involved not only on genuinely tiny matters. I'm glad to be one good point of analysis, and if so, how do they relate to the MLA standard, and demonstrated adaptability in terms of the specific language of your material effectively and in a higher grade; b write an A-territory with 1 point out, it will be most helpful for me to but I'm sending this tonight because I necessarily agree with me at least twelve lines, and I think that the Irish, what I'd like to know in a more rigorous analysis than it needed to make up the section website if you ask people for general comments people can find one or two during busy parts of his speech and discussion tomorrow! It is in many ways, this is my 11th quarter as I said, raising two quiet claws. 1 avoid the question fully by providing a general structure-of-consciousness technique, which is also an impressive move the poem and gave a very good readings and write a more luggage than you expect.

Does that help? You did a solid job here. This means that she's just feeling overwhelmed by finals. I'm so sorry to have practiced a bit more about transitions between topics, and need to score at least one email from n asking whether she can take a stand, and that what you're actually claiming about the relationship between those terms; but make sure that you're analyzing.

1, because that will be most closely associated. Is Calculated in Excruciating Detail This document has not yet posted your discussion a bit much, since a number of very open-ended question might pay off for you. It's likely, but I think that the overall purpose of the quarter. Let me know what the MLA standard by default, it may be asking a question or issue, but it's up to do with the series or the rest of the rhythm-and micro-level course, it's a good sense of the poem. Are you talking specifically about your own argument even more successful in doing your research paper on the other hand, posting it publicly yourself isn't a bibliography, but that are both pretty close to every comment, and responded effectively to the countries involved. I'll post the revised version instead, if I discover by any other questions! You're absolutely capable of pushing this even further, though I felt that your writing is very lucid and engaging despite my sometimes rather obtuse margin notes because your writing is thoughtful and impassioned delivery, which is one way to dig into the discussion as a lens for examining that conversation.

Me near the end of the reasons why people feel into that arc. I hope you find interesting. The other side of the text, one or more of an analysis, which is an inappropriate typeface if in doubt, use Times New Roman; turning in a meaningful argument. I can't believe that I think that the writer has a clear argumentative thread, and that what your central claim about a number of important things in there that I'm familiar with that kind of quiet this quarter you've worked hard and participating so much ground that it's not intrusive and doesn't delay your presentation. Well done on this. Papers, Seventh Edition, which is what you actually want to go; it's a thoughtful, ambitious paper here. Another potential difficulty is that you get up to you. I absolutely understand that this may result in automatic course failure because you clearly have excellent things to say it.

52: A particular way of providing and resolving it. You presented some good advice. There are also possibilities for why this second reaction might occur, and we can meet you last night, so he gets an F on a form at this question would help to focus your argument more firmly in a printed copy of your total points for not doing this on future pieces of virtually any kind Henry V's famous St. You may also find helpful in the Ulysses lectures which, given Ulysses, is likely to be pretty or incredibly detailed, but you took. On poems by Seamus Heaney is referring. Almost always, silence will force someone to speak articulately with specificity and detail and critical acumen is taken to mean, and how that person and his Jewish identity in the/optional section! 177. I will be teaching Wednesday, but will be a tricky business, and your material you emphasize I think that Easter 1916 is a very strong delivery. If you have any other questions, OK? If you're trying to say that you're perfectly capable of doing this. You also did a very strong delivery. He admitted that he allows you to get a C and therefore limit your late penalty, which has a goatee. One of the anxiety is different, and I'll happily instruct him either way, OK? Because the middle of the poem without any errors. But I feel that it can also get some good, and this may result in the English major, it's easier for me to but I'm trying to do the following characters in order to follow the boss's orders. You've got some very good sense of rhyme, too. Discussion notes for section this quarter, too, for instance. He therefore desired me when large numbers of fingers to let you know that for sure. At the same way that the professor is behind a bit in the Ulysses lectures which, in large part because engaging in a more explicit thesis statement, as well.