#trying v hard to be understanding and separate my self worth from whether or not people have opened and replied to a message on their phone

[nicistrying]

I know people are busy and tired right but.. I'm getting annoyed that lately literally everyone I message is just leaving me on read or completely ignoring me. Sent my sister the cctv footage of a full pallet of stock collapsing outside in the rain the other day on my shift just as a dumb thing to make her laugh, no answer. Sent the same footage to my wagon driver, saying this is why he should be here every day (the depot keep sending him on other routes so our deliveries are totally fucked up atm), left on read. To be fair I saw him today and he brought it up laughing. He's in his fifties and is driving for 10 hours of the day so I'll forgive him for not being overly sociable over text lol. Messaged my old manager 2 days ago to say congrats on 6 months sober and I'll be over to give him his sobriety coin as soon as I can. Not even opened. Text my sister in law asking how their holiday was. Left on read. Have messaged my best friend twice thinking she'll be up for a catch up on my day off on Monday bc she's posting all over how happy she is to be in her third trimester and I want to give her all the stuff I've bought for her and the baby, messages unopened (again, I get it she has huuuge life things going on, but is it so hard to say yes we can meet up or no we can't if you're really too busy?) Like... am I that annoying? Am I that much of a burden on everyone I know? Is it so terrible to hear from me? I know this is a dumb way to think about it and so selfish and narcissistic, everyone has their own stuff going on and there have been plenty of times I haven't had the energy to reply to messages for a few days. But it does make me feel like everyone hates me bc literally no one seems to want anything to do with me. I don't think I'm an awful, annoying person, but maybe I am? Idk. I know this is just my own insecurities talking and again I need to be more empathetic towards these people who I love very much. But it's v hard to convince myself when I open whatsapp and it's just all blue ticks lol. Anyway. Back to work for the last 3 hours 🫠 I can do it 🥹🥹

[cancerjupiter]

astro notes: neptune edition (pt. 1)

neptune represents issues which are frequently unconscious, so all of this may operate without your awareness. if projected, the negative aspects of neptune become more emphasised. the more you reject it in your own life, the more likely it is that you’ll meet it in exaggerated ways outside yourself.

neptune in the 1st house

tends to be the kind of person who waits and sees, but your outward behavior doesn’t begin to describe what goes on inside. you feel connected to your environment because you’re aware of subtle energies, you pick up impressions from others they’re usually unaware to be giving. you find yourself in the uncomfortable position of knowing (beyond a verbal level) what others’ unconscious motivations are, what’s hidden behind their civility. you tend to be very idealistic, preferring to live in harmony: peaceful non-demanding relationships and quiet and aesthetically pleasing surroundings. you choose to think kindly of others, whether they reciprocate or not; your sensitivity gives you a natural compassion. you can be most charming, often whimsical, sometimes romantic, and usually empathic. you seem approachable and often receptive to a degree others find startling and deeply gratifying (if not a little scary lol). you want life to be perfect for yourself and others, and your desire for a better world can be channeled into artistic creative pursuits, social work, or mere daydreaming.

you often struggle with personal identity. you may be so open to others that you pick up their moods without realising it. you tend to mimic, unconsciously, the strong characteristics of the last person you were with. don’t become an emotional sponge; define your emotional boundaries and accept it is necessary for your growth to establish a firm identity. another thing i noticed about you is that you guys don’t mind suffering; no, i’m not saying you don’t hate it (everyone does!) but you seem to accept it when you don’t have to. you put others first and feel that it’s best to sacrifice your own well-being than to be responsible for someone else’s suffering.

there’s almost always a strong awareness of and interest in spiritual energies with this placement. you may actually be psychic, whether or not you’re comfortable with the ability. you may deeply religious, although not conventionally since institutions don’t satisfy you; you feel at home with a belief system you know, from personal experience, exists. your lack of interest in the real world can lead you into seriously bad habits like drug abuse or eating disorders and due to your dislike of physical activity, this can quickly damage your (often sensitive) health. alternatively, this placement can also lead to arrogance, depending on the sun and midheaven placements/aspects.

neptune in the 2nd house

you tend to be idealistic with the use of money and personal resources, not terribly attached to them. you look at them as temporary and although sad to part with something you own, you can let it go where others simply cannot. there’s an indifferent attitude towards finances, income and etc. some of you are v generous and will give things away to people who can truly admire it, believing nothing truly belongs to anyone. this outlook satisfies you greatly, making you easygoing but also easily being taken advantage of. this sort of gives you a fairy-tale attitude towards your money - it’s either always there when needed, or simply one of the world’s idiotic, materialistic preoccupations. you may be unpractical or simply forgetful with resources; not willing to sit down and figure what’s the best buy and choosing to go with intuition. purchases usually go by what you want rather than what you can afford (my friend has no idea how much is on her bank acc and doesn’t care to figure it out. she just doesn’t care lol). you should actually read the small print in contracts and not trust just anyone with your money.

alternatively, there may be a strong tendency to overvalue material things (neptune = beliefs in the house of money and possessions), specially if there’s an earth emphasis in the chart, making you inclined to putting great care and time into upkeep. you usually want your things to look aesthetic™️. 

there’s also a strong creative tendency; it may be expressed in various forms but it will certainly be inherent. you need at least periodic access to music and inspiration, including the outdoors where you can soak up peace and serenity. since the 2nd house also relates to sensual pleasures, you probably expect these to provide a kind of ultimate ecstasy. in short, this placement forces you to face up to your tendencies to create illusions about money, possessions, sex, or creative pursuits. don’t expect more from them than they can provide.

neptune in the 3rd house

on one level, this placement can confuse and scatter the brain, giving it vagueness and disorganized thinking. sometimes, however, the mind exhibits uncanny insights into the subtleties of the environment. you sense the hidden nuances and meanings behind what’s being said. what you miss in terms of precise analytical ability, you can by being able to view the big-picture more clearly. there’s a danger to this however; your desire to view what’s beautiful and ideal around you can give a kind of selective perception in which only the good is seen and what doesn’t fit into that is ignored.

you don’t usually feel comfortable expressing yourself through normal channels of communication. what you have to say can be better demonstrated through dance, poetry, song, or picture (painted or taken). there’s often a shyness in the early school situation, which manifested in mental illness (my friend has dyslexia and this was a hard time for her) or simply confusion.

since this house also rules siblings, there may be some sacrifices to be made in relation to them; they may be a problem or have difficulties. since neptune fuses the boundary between the self and others, you may feel you’re responsible for their problems or everything which happens in the immediate environment (also ruled by the 3rd). if you don’t have siblings, you probably longed for the companionship of it, an idealized vision of what a sibling is. i also noticed this neptune placement showing exceptional ability as teachers - specially working w children who have learning difficulties. they can understand ways to communicate with and understand the child better than anyone else.

neptune in the 4th house

i have this one and it’s a loaded position: an unconscious planet in an unconscious house. to feel safe in a secure nest is fundamental, though that’s often quite unconscious. your idea of haven includes a lovely home, w lots of food and someone who will take care of your needs. there’s an assumption that the mother, early home life and emotional security all need to be perfect. that is, all needs will be met with ease, and there’s no upset or disappointment in these areas. the mom or other primary caregiver, is supposed to be there when needed, regardless of other commitments. the illusions connected to the 4th house (remember, neptune refers to illusions which must be exposed and released) are deeply intimate; and any threat to them is profoundly threatening to you.

neptune in the 4th generally has to overcome the strong need for the nurturing parent to not only be perfect but to continue being so into your adulthood. you have great difficulty separating from them; you may never fully do it. it doesn’t matter if they actually lived to your expectations, for their importance is in your head - the parent you idealized or pretended they were. sometimes, however, this desire focuses on the home rather than the parent. in this case, the childhood home was either perfect, or mysterious and elusive. you can react by trying to re-create the exact same nest.

with this placement, nurturing yourself becomes the ultimate value, a way to find supreme satisfaction. you can also make the most amazing caretakers and companions. your need to nurture others is a complicated expression of your own hunger to be taken care of; you give too much and eventually become resentful when no one appreciates your (not asked for) sacrifices. you might also project neptunian traits onto your parent; they may be v spiritual and loving, vague and confusing, or even absent, so you were left w only a fantasy of what they could - and should - have been. they might have also been a victim (similar to pisces moon) and you might’ve felt obligated to save them. 

you feel like caring involves being swallowed up completely, and it’s something you either constantly yearn or are terrified of. you also feel if your (unrealistic) emotional security needs aren’t met, you won’t survive the disappointment (you did, and you will again). neptune in the 4th can make the most patient and loving parents, w a strong sense of their emotional bonding and spiritual responsibilities. you will do more to create an ideal parent/child relationship than anyone else and constantly remind others of how important it is to strive to be the best parent one can be.

neptune in the 5th house

this combo leads to a definite charisma, an aura of charm and power and importance (timothee, angelina, mlk, drake, etc). it’s a strong indication of some kind of acting ability, though it may be used as a teacher or a salesman rather than on stage. you’re likely to work in some area where applause and respect can be immediate and experienced personally. you need this; neptune undermines the self-confidence so you depend on others’ feedback to measure your worth. this can be a deadly dependency because even the highest praise and respect can truly fulfill the yearning to be loved unconditionally, only provide a temporary high, making you forever vulnerable.

some of the illusions related to this placement include the need to have perfect relationships and children, and the perfect artistic creation. whenever one expects perfection, they’re doomed to disappoitment, although the process of disillusionment may be needed to rethink your outlook on life. you may expect your love life to provide a complete sense of fulfillment. you can make a v romantic partner, the type to love cheesy romantic things and music, who can surround your lover with utmost affection. however, you might also expect them to sense your wishes and always meet them; or expect yourself to always be sensitive and caring at al times, regadless of your moods and/or needs.

you need to re-evaluate your tendency to romanticize lovers instead of seeing them for who they are. you may also harbor illusions towards children, your own or all, which hamper your ability to deal w them realistically and effectively. there’s a difficulty in developing a strong sense of self-worth, or maybe fancying yourself to be far more important than you really are. this placement is associated w a great deal of inspired creativity, however, and if other chart factors support it, it indicates exceptional artistic talent. with humility and self-awareness, you can use your magnetism to uplift those who have lost all confidence.

neptune in the 6th house

w this placement, neptune is in its polar opposite, since 6th house relates to virgo and neptune relates to pisces. this house is about the world as it is and how to manage it in a day-to-day basis. neptunian energy is the opposite: it yearns for and seeks to unite w the cosmos, which transcends this world. how can these two work this out?

when they’re well integrated in the chart, you can dream of neptune while using the practical 6th house skills to plan and organise the dream you wish to make true some day. it can direct the neptunian energy to envision something better, prettier, more creative and inspiring. without this, the 6th house is merely a housekeeping unit - a drive to organise and plan, but for what purpose? neptune supplies it with purpose and the house repays it with practical skills, usually related to some artistic work.

however, if the energies are at odds, there is the need to dream vs. the need to be practical and realistic. you feel a strong need to busy yourself w details and make everything as efficient as possible, tidying up and even criticising others (negative virgo energy). you may expect far too much from others and yourself, never able to say “no” when more work is piled on you. another expression is not being able to keep your shit together; you forget, are disorganized, feel tired and drained of energy, get sick often, or feel generally unfulfilled. my friend, for example, often seeks jobs for its glamorous aspects, only to get swamped by details and routine. 

[ylizam]

dear creator: femslashex 2k20 edition

Hi, Hello, Hey. First of all–thank you! This is my standard you offered to write one of my fandoms, so thank you for being awesome opening spiel, full of generals likes and dislikes, I’m sure you know the drill. I’ll make sure the fandom specific stuff is up by the time assignments go out. (That said, if you already have an idea about how you want to write about the fandom/pairing we match on—wow, I’m jealous! tell me your secrets!—just skip over the fandom stuff and go forth with your bad self.) 

Things I like include, but are in no way limited to: fun with POV, fun with linear vs. non-linear storytelling, fun with tone, fun with writing. I really dig character studies, stories that really get into what makes a character tick (and something porny that can get at that is wonderful too), and I like relationships that are hard and prickly and worth fighting for. I like happy endings that don’t feel tacked on or forced. I like doubt, and hope, and theology; I like actors, and directors, and I like the random deity. I like fairy tales. I like (love) romance tropes. Forced to share a bed, marriages of convenience, fake dating, friends-to-lovers, idiots-to-lovers, enemies-to-lovers: it’s all like unto catnip. I like interesting turns of phrase, I like the perfect line, I like any story written just for me. If you have any questions about my taste (or lack thereof), feel free to ask @summervillen​ who probably knows my fannish tastes better than I do.

DNWs: noncon, necrophilia, pedophilia, incest, animal harm or death, child harm or death, pregnancy fic, A/B/O. Things that I would prefer you not include—especially gratuitously; there are obviously ways to engage with problematic actions/thoughts/etc. in fiction, but there’s such a fine line there—are as follows: non-character driven racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, anti-semitism, etc. etc. etc. I’d prefer no high school AUs. I also have a pretty big embarrassment squick. And while I'm mostly interested in these characters in the worlds in which we meet them, if you really have an AU (non high school division) you want to write I'm there. Just, you know, grounded in the characters and their relationships and all that fun stuff. That's basically it.

Babylon 5 Delenn/Susan Ivanova I just ship them post-canon so hard. Later in life chances at love are sort of a thing of mine, and add to that two of my favorite characters ever, well, it’s like this pairing is made for me. That said, if you can find a way to write them during canon (maybe John doesn’t return from Z'ha'dum, maybe Delenn and John just never get together at all, maybe you can think of something I can’t) I’d love that too. Delenn/Shaal Mayan I’d love a story about them that’s really Minbari–that understands that neither of them is human. Something set when they were young and just figuring themselves out (and first love is rarely forever but it feels like it must be) or something set when Mayan visits Babylon 5 in season one or, heck, something set after the series ends. (I have a thing for writing on skin, so if you can find a way to fit that in more power to you.)

Last Tango in Halifax Gillian Greenwood/Caroline McKenzie-Dawson Oh gosh I have so many feelings about Gillian and Caroline and their relationship. How it’s grown, changed, and now they’re at a point where they see each other all the time and talk about basically everything and it’s all so beautiful. And, I mean, come on, they both have the best chemistry with the other; it’s just a fact. So what if they get drunk and kiss (or shag or something in between)? Or just deal with things like adults (I’m sure you could convince me that’s possible)? (She wasn’t part of the tagset, but I also liked what little we saw of Olga, both how she interacted with Caroline and how she befriended Gillian when they both showed up late to the play, so if you want to go the threesome route–whether it’s a V or a triad or whatever confusing mess of emotions you prefer–I’m there.) (P.S. I haven’t seen the most recent season, but I’m spoiled and have seen all the gifs and screencaps so include or don’t as you see fit.)

Lucifer Linda Martin/Mazikeen

Their relationship on the show is a thing of delight and wonder, so basically I want that but also MORE. Maze fighting people to protect Linda! Linda, well, trying to fight people but mostly realizing that Maze loves it and is good at it so. Maze panicking again about Linda eventually dying, but also MORE SO because now they’ve been fucking and also having weird candlelight dinners and um is this romantic this might be. (Whether Amenadiel is involved (romantically with either or both, as an active parent but no longer romantically, etc.) or off doing something else stage left and never mentioned is up to you, but please no bashing, killing off somehow, etc.) Feel free to include hijinks with the rest of the gang, but I’d prefer no focus on any police work. 

 The Old Guard (Movie) Andy/Quynh

Note: I haven’t read the comics, so this is strictly a movie request (I know they’re separate fandoms and listed thusly, but I just wanted to be clear). I’d love anything about them, in all honesty. Something in the past: a first time (they kissed, they said “I love you,” they refused to say “I love you,” they had sex, etc.), a fifth time, a mission gone wrong. Or something in the present/future: angst and fractured trust and fighting on opposite sides until they’re suddenly not. All too mortal Andy. Immortal Quynh. The options are basically endless. I also love everyone on the team, so feel free to include them however you see fit. 

Star Trek: Classic Timeline

First of all, I don’t know book canon, so include it, don’t include, whatever floats your proverbial boat. Second of all, I am more than happy with “this character lives” stories here. Obviously. Third of all, please no bashing of any other characters (even that one).

Beverly Crusher/Laris

So I came out of Picard with an undying devotion to Laris and a burning curiosity about what the heck Bev is up to these days. So tell me more about both of them. Is there’s a longstanding affair, often at a distance? Did they start out prickly and reserved, wary? How are Jean-Luc and Zhaban involved? (I am happy with whatever you decide on the Jean-Luc and Zhaban front, other than gratuitous death or bashing of either. Feel free to have them off having their own adventures and don’t mention them if you prefer not to involve them.) Is Beverly’s French as terrible as Jean-Luc’s? 

Kimara Cretak/Kira Nerys

Feel free to have Kimara escape/live/etc. I’d especially love something that recognizes that neither of them is human; play around with what we know of their cultures, about how those cultures might clash or unexpectedly mesh, how that can affect a relationship both positively and negatively. I’m always interested in Nerys’s faith and religious beliefs, and how that interacts with Romulan culture would be very much something I enjoy. 

K'Ehlyer/Deanna Troi

K’Ehlyer deserved better, and who is better than Deanna? I posit no one. This is another pairing where I’d love something about the fact that they’re not fully human and the implications thereof. (Feel free to include Alexander or not, as you choose. Ditto Thaddeus and Kestra. I’d prefer they not be a focal point though.) Whether you set it during TNG or Picard or in between, I’ll be equally happy (or an alternate version of reality works too! those are just the time references I can think of right now!). (Please note that I very much also ship Deanna and Will, so please, please, please don’t bash him or kill him off for no reason or have Deanna cheating on him or whatever. I’d much rather you don’t mention him at all if you don’t want him in the fic.) 

The Untamed Jiang Yanli/Wen Qing

Is part of this my desire to have two of my favorite characters pushed together? Yes. Is it also part of my desire to have them actually live? Absolutely. (Which is to say: I’d love a “Jiang Yanli and Wen Qing live” AU here. Or at least live longer than they make it in canon?) I’d also be fine with modern AUs here, but I’d prefer cultivation be in there somewhere even if it’s set in the present (or the 1980s or basically any time period). Maybe there’s a political partnership of convenience situation! Maybe something shifts in canon and Jiang Yanli helps the Qishan Wens out and things happen and trust grows and they fall in love! Maybe they have a secret fling! Honestly, it’s all good. 

[roseamongroses]

here we are again

s u m m a r y

Roman was suppose to be the solution.

Remus was suppose to be left alone.

But it didn't work, it never would.

c h a r a c t e r s 

Roman Sanders, Remus Sanders

w a r n i n g s 

blood/bleeding/wounds used as metaphors, cursing, vauge ending, roman’s never ending self loathing 

v i b e s

sad, angst, fusion

It was a wound, twice scarred, that Roman couldn’t help but keep picking at. It was easy to fall into old habits which is why he had to work twice as hard to keep it from bleeding all over again. Sometimes he felt too quiet, sometimes too loud, clutching at the ideas in his head-- trying to make something of worth, trying to shape himself into something of value, someone who could be trusted. 

What he didn’t know was that he was already bleeding, he was sitting in a puddle of his own mistakes, slick with it's taunting failure and he didn’t even know it. He wasn’t sure if the denial made it better or worse. He didn’t want to know, but it certainly didn’t make it excusable. 

“How many times can someone apologize?” 

That’s the real question because after so many slip-ups, why should they be expected to forgive him?  He should be a hero, that knight in shining armor that can be trusted, yet he couldn’t even trust himself. He was supposed to be the solution, but it was all falling apart, he was falling. 

“Oh, lookie, “ Remus let out a laugh, a high-pitched cackle which grated Roman’s nerves, “Did they finally get sick of your face?”

Roman’s eyes snapped up, but with no real heat, no real anything, “What are you doing here?” he said, as Remus crouched in front of him, rocking on the balls of their feet.

“What am I doing here?” Remus made a tsking sound, flopping down with the expected amount of grace, “No, no, no, I should be asking you that question, ”  he made a sweeping gesture, “This is my place, not yours,” he said, “So get the hell out, eh?” 

Roman rolled his eyes, “No I’m--” He froze, eyes registering the sweeping darkness around him. His heart sank, a slow trotting panic filling him as he consciously searched for his space, his part imagination, only to be told that he was there. He was already there. 

Remus realized at the same time, “Oh,” he said, manic grin the same, but eyes dull.  

Roman stood abruptly, “I can fix this,” He gritted through his teeth, not daring to look down, not daring to look at them-no, himself. He’d have to, there was no way he was going to let this unravel all their work, unravel their deal.  He can work. He can exist. 

“Can you?” Remus taunted, but he looked sick, “This isn’t the first time you fucked up,” 

“If I do recall,” Roman grumbled, trying to will the imagination apart, “Last time was your fault,” 

“Middle school sucked ass,” Remus said,  ”I was keeping it fun and spicy, and--” he grimaced, “Ugh, hurry up I can already feel your self-loathing,”

“I’m trying,” Roman snapped, “It isn’t,” The imagination wasn’t budging,”...It isn’t…”

“It isn’t working,” Remus finished for him, dangerously quiet. 

 “I don’t think it ever worked,” Roman nodded numbly, not quite knowing when he sat down, “We...don’t work...I--” his shoulders shook, but he wasn’t crying, the laughter spilling without joy, without anything, he couldn’t feel anything, “I don’t work,” 

Remus didn’t respond, he didn’t have to. Everything was spilling into each other, the lines were already blurring, the wound was gushing and showed no signs of stopping. The hate, the love, every nauseating fear clashing with secret desires too much to ever hear. 

Remus would’ve never admitted that he wasn’t curious about before. One moment there was creativity, the concept-- infallible without fault, the next moment there were the two of them. The one that worked until they couldn't, the one that worked in all the wrong ways.

At a certain point,  Remus had embraced it. He didn’t have to face the prying eyes of the other sides. He did what he did without fearing whether he was too much or not enough, but he also did without reward. He did without acknowledgment because he didn’t need the mess, the feelings, the limits.  

He didn’t need it. 

But that doesn't mean he didn’t crave it. A deep, gnawing hunger, for more--knowing that the other sides had more, that they were complete. One could say he hoped that maybe if they were together instead of separated that it would be better. 

Now they were complete, but they were still spiraling, still hungry for something they couldn’t quite understand and d all they could ask themselves is,

 “What now?”

[hahanoiwont]

Virgil, lying, and “change”

I was looking through pre-AA vids for a longer reference post I’m making, and I noticed that during Making Some Changes, Virgil has some interesting things to say about change as it relates to him. First of all, Virgil verbally expresses at least 14 times that he doesn’t want to be changed (meta under readmore):

Various grimaces/scoffing/cringes: 5

“No. I am not playing this game.”

“I’m comfortable just the way I am. And besides--Thomas, this isn’t gonna do anyth-” (cut off by being transformed into Talyn)

“Change me back, now!”

“Noooo [hisses]”

(speaking loudly, enunciating) “I am not okay with this.”

T: “This is all incredibly amusing, but...” V (leaning forward): “Yes, but?”

“Stop doing this.”

T: “I don’t think you switching around is helping.” V: “Of course it’s not, Thomas.”

“There’s no use, Thomas.”

“I don’t have to look like anyone to make sense.”

“I’m getting real sick of this.”

“And then there’s change you can control, but shouldn’t. Like changing me.” (immediately changed into Talyn)

“Great. Well, can you use a little bit of that control to change me back now?”

“No! You take turns changing me into different friends today and expect me to open up to all of you? Fat chance! Except you, Patton. You didn’t do that, you’re cool.” (Patton turns him into Talyn) “NOT AGAIN!”

Now, some of these lines have a lot of interesting implications. Virgil states outright that he doesn’t want to change, that he doesn’t want to appear different. This could be because looking like the others gives him a sense of belonging, it could be that being changed against his will is upsetting for bodily autonomy reasons, or, in a subtle theme that’s existed throughout the series, it could be because he perceives himself to be telling the truth, always.

Until the lying video, I hadn’t made particular note of it, but Virgil sees himself as honest almost all of the time. In the Negative Thinking vid, his immediate assumption when Logan disagrees with him is that Logan is against him personally/is just carrying on the pattern of disagreeing with whatever he has to say without listening and realizing he’s right. It never even occurs to Virgil that he might not be right, and once it does, he quickly loses steam and takes steps to leave the situation, presumably to brood over it until he can decide what’s the truth. Once his point of view might not be The Only Truth, he steps back to reassess. Most importantly, he stops making general statements of what he assumes to be fact (they hate you) and starts using concrete details he knows to be objectively true (you forgot the song) and dramatic phrasing that can be interpreted as true or false according to where you set your goals (you fucked up). He begins using qualifying statements and talking around himself to leave open the possibility that he’s wrong (ie not lying even if he turns out to be wrong on a point) without abandoning his position itself. Aggressive behavior and body language pretty much pick up the slack to keep him firmly hostile, but the things he’s saying aren’t in and of themselves untrue either way.

The only thing Virgil does all series, as far as I can tell, that deliberately misrepresents the truth is how he interacts as a threatening presence. By his own admission, this is to keep the others on their toes, and after his acceptance he only takes on that persona when he needs to “kick in.” So either he understands that persona to be part of his job or he uses it to draw attention to his concerns because it’s effective. Either way, it may or may not be part of his true personality, which is the closest he gets to deliberately “lying” in the 24 vids we have so far.

Which brings us back to presentation. Virgil is vehemently against being turned into other people, even though it’s acknowledged several times that appearing as Thomas’s friends doesn’t change who they are or what they represent. Still, Virgil insists on staying the same. One would assume Virgil would be happy to be something other that what he is for a while, given his questionable self-worth, but something about it is uncomfortable to him. I propose that it’s because his presentation* to the others is being changed: once he no longer looks how he naturally does, he’s lying. He’s deeply aware of his image (see his dedication to the scary dude theme even though it turns out he’s a soft boi at heart), and once it’s been changed, one of the appearances must be false. He tells Thomas several times that the practice of the sides appearing to be his friends is fake or not good enough; it’s not true that they’re his friends and Virgil is allergic to faking it.

Virgil also implies that his nature shouldn’t be changed. Interesting for two reasons: he doesn’t want other people to force him into being something other than Anxiety, even though being Anxiety can be difficult; and does that mean Thomas could at least try to change Virgil’s nature? That sounds painful as all hell, if so. Otherwise, would it just be like when a person tries to change another person, and it would suck? Food for thought.

Anyway, lying. Virgil certainly seems to hate it. Why Virgil behaves this way is hard to say without more information. Deceit seemed to honestly expect a warm welcome from him, and he notably didn’t tell anyone else Deceit was playing Patton, even though he figured it out as early as 4 minutes into the video; it’s hard to say whether a history between them would support Virgil’s insistence on constant truth or not. It could also be completely separate from Deceit. Maybe he just has no reason to lie. Maybe he’s afraid of being wrong and looking stupid. There are a lot of available explanations that we can’t really choose from yet. But what we do know is: Virgil understands himself to be telling the truth apparently all the time, even if he later realizes he was wrong about something; and he doesn’t want his self-presentation changed.

*If you like the dark sides/Virgil looking more monstrous naturally and adopting a more human facsimile most of the time, that is also a great explanation for why Virgil doesn’t want to be changed. What if someone changes him back to his default state? What if his illusion being messed with screws something up? Even his insistence on not lying makes sense if he already has one big lie to stress about! I think that would be fun to explore :D

My other meta:

The sides’ unique powers

Sleeping headcanons

My fanfiction:

concept: superhero au

concept: Virgil is terrible/probably the best at helping people

Space (All I Think About is You and Me)

[entamewitchlulu]

On the Essence of Recovery: The Necessity of Arc V’s Unsatisfactory Ending

So, lately, I've been rewatching Penguindrum.  I've also been reading a lot of analyses of Penguindrum, and in turn I've been looking up analyses of some of my other favorite surrealist anime, mostly Ikuhara's work.  And remembering how Penguindrum ended, I found myself thinking about how almost all of Ikuhara's main works end sort of...bittersweet.  Progress has been made, but something huge has been lost as well, leaving the end feeling almost unsatisfactory.

And that's gotten me to thinking about analyzing shows that have similar endings, that aren't necessarily made to be...well, as dense as that particular brand of anime.  Specifically, I've been thinking about Arc V, and again about the ending that left a lot of people upset.  I was and still am to a point one of those people who was disappointed with how it ended, but looking back at it in hindsight, and especially through the lens of the previously mentioned anime, I wondered if maybe there was something more to the decision than first appeared.

Now before I start the actual meat of this post, let me disclaim that I would be among the first to admit that it's probably “not that deep.” But there's the distinct possibility that it is, and regardless of whether my conclusions were intended conclusions, the act of analyzing fiction against one's own individual interpretation is an important final step in the process of any creative endeavor.

Without spoilers, let me briefly talk about the anime I mentioned up above. Penguindrum is at its surface level a hilariously silly and ridiculous anime.  The main characters are followed around by odd penguins and their sister is possessed by a penguin hat.  But it is also an intensely deep anime, about family, fate, sacrifice, and unconditional love, which culminates to a sad, but ultimately inevitable end.  The sacrifices that are made at the end are hard, upsetting, and honestly upon my first watch through I was quite upset about it.  It didn't seem fair. I experienced similar reactions to the endings of Ikuhara's other works, as well as Arc V.  

But for Ikuhara's works, the unsatisfactory endings where something was lost in exchange for something gained, there was a thematic importance to the decision to make those endings, and I think Arc V is the same.  But to understand that thematic importance, first we must examine what the major theme of Arc V is.

In my humble opinion and in light of the ending, I think the theme of Arc V is recovery.

Certainly there are other themes, both major and minor.  The title theme of “take a step forward with courage,” is one, the idea of spreading smiles is another.  But I believe both of these and many of the other threads tie into the major, overarching and unspoken theme of “recovery.”

Yuya is introduced to us right away as a depressed child.  I don’t think there’s any way you can get around this, it’s just shy of them telling us straight out in canon.  He’s been bullied, he’s suffered terribly from the mysterious loss of his father, he’s been ostracized and held up against his dad since he was nine.  His mother says that he’s “put on the mask of a clown,” laughing at himself before others can as a self-defense mechanism.

Yuya is a hugely flawed character in the first half of the series, especially in the first season.  He is basically a living embodiment of bad coping mechanisms held together by denial.  He hides himself away when he’s hurt or upset rather than addressing the thing that’s upset him.  He gets defensive and upset when someone else Pendulum Summons, something that he was using as a crutch to make himself feel like he was worth something.  He jokes around and tries to force Entertainment instead of feeling it himself.  He forces himself to laugh to avoid facing the possibility that he is actually not okay.  He tries to force his beliefs on others in order to make himself feel like he and the tenets he clings to are actually worth something.  And very often, his attempts at avoiding his problems backfire.

Throughout the series, these issues are addressed, one thing at a time.  His talk with Shuzo helps him understand that Pendulum Summons themselves aren’t what makes him special, it’s how he continues to move forward in the future and make use of the opportunity that they gave him.  His mother encourages him to not let his anger eat him up and to continue trying to do his best without forgetting who he wants to be.  He realizes through his interactions with Jack that he was trying to force his feelings instead of just relaxing and letting go of his self-inhibitors. His Synchro character arc helps him learn how to see outside himself  and meet others where they’re at instead of seeing through his own narrowed worldview.  He is growing, changing, and healing.  He is moving out of the shadow of his father that he's crunched himself beneath and learning to stand on his own feet again.

In the third season and part of season four, we see that Yuya is, despite his situation, reaching a healthy place mentally.  His long periods of depression interspersed with highs of determination from Synchro are all but gone, leaving him at a fairly steady emotional level.  He stays true to his convictions, remains light and cheerful, and meets people where they’re at instead of viewing them from his own situation.  Yuya is healing.

Then in the tail end of the Fusion arc, we learn the final major twist: that of the existence of Zarc and Ray.  And in that discovery, we realize that this was never just about Yuya's recovery.  

Zarc, who through flashbacks and seeing bits of him in Yuya throughout the series, was just as or even more broken than Yuya ever was.  He was a lonely, desperate young man who wanted what Yuya wanted, to be able to be happy and smile and make everyone else happy with what he was doing, too.  But he was pushed too far, he didn’t have the emotional support network that Yuya did, and he and his dragons simply fed into each other’s anger and distress until they reached a breaking point, until Ray came along and literally broke him into pieces.

And then I think it’s clear enough if you take a watch through the last part of Arc V.  That whole last arc is about Yuya accepting that he is Zarc, but not only that, but accepting his healing.  Zarc was broken—so was Yuya.  Yuya learned how to grow and develop and work with his issues.  Zarc didn’t get the chance, and Yuya’s final arc is his final step for both him and Zarc to heal.  I don’t think it’s any surprise that there are two other important characters in this arc who reach some level of recovery.  Shun finds it in himself to start healing the fractures in his heart that he has harbored all this time (there was another very good post I read once about Shun’s arc following the stages of grief, which I will attempt to find and link here).  Dennis finally finds acceptance and enough security to pull off the mask that he’s kept on for self-preservation for so long.  These are two incredibly powerful writing decisions, and their place in this part of the narrative really implies to me that Arc V is reaching its thematic conclusion on the themes of recovery.

I think it's important to note before we continue that these are not the only characters who experience the need for or the arc of recovery.  Reiji is presented as a very emotionally suppressed young man devastated by the breaking down of his family.  Reira's entire character arc in Synchro is about him healing from the PTSD and loss of identity he experienced from a combination of war and abuse. Sora, and to a lesser extent Selena, are child soldiers recovering slowly from indoctrination through interaction with people outside of their “cult.”  Edo presents a more violent response to the attempt to recover, bucking and fighting against the healing offered to him until the end.  I feel that there are even more characters that we could apply this theme to, and it would easily make sense.

Finally, then, we reach the ultimate end, which spurred this meta in the first place: the contentious ending where Yuya and Yuzu do not split from their other selves, but instead remain a single fused person.  If we continue this analogy that the essence of Arc V is recovery, then…in a strange, bittersweet, and sad way, it makes perfect sense to me.

One of the things I hear a lot about recovery is that, people who have been through horrible mental illnesses or trauma should not expect of themselves to be the person that they were before the illness or trauma occurred.  To search for that is to find yourself trapped, because you can’t go back, and you will ruin yourself in a cycle of trying to retrieve something that can't be again.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, though; you are still you, but you are going to be a new you.  To me, that’s exactly what’s happening in Arc V.

Zarc cannot go back to being Zarc.  What happened to him was literally too shattering.  But he, through Yuya, found healing, and literally mended himself back together.  But he’s not Zarc anymore, now, he’s Yuya.  Yuya and Yuzu are, by word of canon, actually Zarc and Ray, but they are different, now, too.  It's incredibly telling that Yuya's final arc is about him accepting himself as being Zarc, but moving forward into being him, as well.  Recovery and healing doesn’t bring you back to the person you were.  It brings you to the new person that you can be once you’ve accepted what happened to you, and start working on the things that were holding you back.  In this manner, Zarc and Ray can't go back to being themselves, but they have been able to put themselves back together in order to give themselves a second chance as Yuya and Yuzu.

So yes…it is still incredibly sad to me that the girls and boys were not able to separate, but in the themes that I feel Arc V was trying to promote, it makes sense.  Something was lost, yes, and it hurts a lot, but something was gained as well. It's the same feeling I had of the end of Penguindrum: something incredibly precious was lost, and yet there is hope in what was gained.  I feel that the overall gut punch of Arc V was a little more intense, though, as where Penguindrum never exactly pulled away from the fact that their characters were the tools for the fable to tell the story, Arc V never pretended that their characters were anything other than living humans.  My own much heavier emotional entanglement with the Arc V cast made the ending much harder.  (It should be noted, as well, that Arc V is not the first Yu-Gi-Oh iteration to take characters away from us at the end, or end with a bittersweet tone where something was lost in exchange for something gained.)

In conclusion, reading Arc V in this light actually gave me a lot more closure about the ending.  I will quite honestly always be a little sad about it, and I will always wish that there had been a different ending.  I'll always choose to ignore it when writing my own personal canon, haha.  But I also feel in the light of this analysis that Arc V couldn't have ended any other way, or it would not have been the same story.  For the story that they were trying to tell, for the theme that was being presented, it was the ending that needed to be told.

Recovery is not an easy process, and nor is it always a happy one.  There is always something sad about recovering and about realizing what you lost along the way.  But there is hope at the end of it as well, about the new future that you can now reach for.  It's the eternal duality of sadness and joy that comes with the act of living.  “Take a step forward with courage,” is the what the summary says is the theme of Arc V, and that, I think, is the best tagline for recovery I can think of.

Go forward, because there is no going back.  And there is nothing wrong with that.

[jouchi-josei]

lot of feelings.

i managed to write this a couple weeks ago. (i don’t remember if it was before or after i ghosted everyone. hah.)

this is the raw truth of what i felt in those moments, writing what i’ve been so desperate to say. whether the sentiment behind all of this is still present now doesn't matter.

save your time from trying to help me: i’m kind of already a lost cause.

spend your time reaching out. to those who feel like they have no one on their side. to those who aren’t comfortable enough to speak up. to those who aren’t as lucky as i.

i was supposed to cover “Words Fail” from Dear Evan Hansen and post it, but lately, i can barely get out of bed without being in extreme pain, both emotionally and physically.

///// suicide & extreme hopelessness trigger warning //////

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKP9UdIcXFk

“Words Fail.” Not only the title of the song, but a reminder. A reminder that no matter how hard you wish to explain yourself through spoken or written word, there is only so much that can do to express your true self. As someone who is lucky enough to be able to explain themselves through words at a decently comprehensible level, not being able to do so is so disheartening. So exhausting. So… isolating.

Before coming to Japan, I rarely experienced that. I always had a particular metaphor or analogy that could help others understand where I’m coming from. When I looked at people, I could see it click in their minds: they understood me on some kind of level. Some kind of understanding was enough for me. I managed to do that through word alone.

But… I lost that. I couldn’t explain the crippling loneliness, the lack of motivation, the overwhelming insecurities, the inability to get out of bed. I couldn’t explain why my depression was so bad.

People kept asking me, kept advising me, kept… trying.

Long after I stopped.

Rather than taking the time to try and explain myself thoroughly, I merely answered with an, “I don’t know,” because trying to formulate a proper response was too fatiguing.

My suicidal ideation is as heavy as it was the weeks following my last suicide attempt. And I mean that: it is. People have been fighting to keep me afloat, and I do not want their efforts to be for naught, but it’s been real difficult when I have not only a lack of a will to live, but a strong desire to die. Lack of a positive + presence of a negative = overwhelming negative.

When I was physically separated from my amazing support system and suddenly couldn’t avoid my problems by sleeping, I was forced to spend more time in my own head.

I was forced to really see myself. Discover more about myself. And the longer that that happened, the more I realized how much I hate myself. How disgusted I feel when I think about my being. I merely avoided it by focusing on other people. But being here forced me to confront myself straight-on. And what an unsightly thing it is.

I mess up a lot. Over and over and over again. And I was forced to come to terms with: even if your heart is full of immense regret and you swear to never do it again, people still might not give you a second chance. And they’re not obligated to. You just have to recognize that you messed up. And decide to do better next time.

But I’m also at the point of: why should I forgive myself when they won’t forgive me either? Why should I cut myself loose so easily?

They’re good people. Amazing people.

I’m the mess up.

I shouldn’t share something people have told me in confidence. I shouldn’t betray someone’s trust like that. I shouldn’t... use "coping” as a fucking an excuse instead of just owning up to the fact that I messed up. I hurt people I care about. And I need to take whatever repercussions come along with that.

My friends have called me out on this, but I didn’t do anything about it until recently. Like, mad recently. And the only reason I decided to do something about it was because my defenses were so broken down, I was forced to recognize that, even if I had no ill-intention, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt others.

My mom would do the same exact thing to me. Air out my dirty laundry for everyone to see. And I mean, literally everyone.

Like mother, like daughter, I guess.

(Don’t want to be, though.)

There are times where I wish I didn't have my heart open for everyone to see, I wish I didn’t “lead with the worst of me”. I wish I could stay quiet and not be vulnerable with people. Because now there are people who have parts of me I wish I could take back.

But no. That’s not who I am.

Inauthenticity I despise more than anything else. Of course, I could always just keep my heart tucked away, for only a select group to see, but my extreme trust issues say, “Share everything with everyone all the time! So no one can talk about you behind your back and use it against you! Because you don’t trust anyone ever! And that’s why you’ll never really love anyone!”

And yet, part of me has been terrified to talk about it: my suicidality. Because I’m so scared of being pulled back to America. I’m scared of whether my efforts of fighting for Japan will end up being futile.

The main thing that I’ve been fighting for for my own sake was Japan. The opportunity to study abroad was actually taken away from me back in January. Due to my mental illness and my “risk factor” of being abroad, UT decided to pull the decision from me. They offered me to study abroad in the Fall semester (those of who know how studying abroad in Japan works know that that would be impossible). They asked me how I felt over the phone. Was I meant to respond in a chipper voice, excitedly accepting their choice? (spoiler: I didn't) And they didn’t even offer me any kind of chance to try and prove I was stable enough to go abroad.

I had to find the solution myself, without their help.

I don’t… want to prove them right. UT screwed me over. Took away the one thing I wanted for myself.

I fought for it still.

And now that I’m here in Japan: a country that has no easy access to mental health professionals, xenophobic towards any and nearly every kind of 外人, and where my voice is lost among the overwhelming crowds…

I question whether I should be here or not. But America also holds a lot of bad memories for me too. Which one is better to lean towards? Who knows? People ask me whether I want to stay or to leave? I don’t know what I want. All I know is that I want to die.

But I’m tired of faking it. Faking that I’m living a luxurious life in an amazing country. Faking that I’m having a good time when in reality, I spend more time crying and wanting to die than I don’t. Faking that I’m capable when in reality, I am so weak.

I’m done “pretend(ing) that I’m something better than these broken parts; pretend(ing) I’m something other than this mess that I am. ‘Cause then I don’t have to look at it, and no one gets to look at it. No. No one can really see.”

(Please do listen the song simply for that portion [^] Please.)

So, here I am: extremely suicidal in a country where I feel like I don’t belong. Here I am: too exhausted to try and carve a me-shaped space into this place. Here I am: having an identity crisis of who is Kamea versus KayCee, and questioning why it feels as though there is such a huge discrepancy between the two. Here I am: resisting the everyday urge to self-harm, not even for my own sake. Here I am: seeing all of the mistakes I made and wishing so badly I can undo all the hurt and pain I caused. Here I am: wanting so badly to just disappear and never return. Here I am: wishing I didn’t have an overwhelming love for my friends.

Because if I didn’t, I’d be long gone.

But no. No, I had to care about people and have a love cultivated and nurtured for them and have a desire to witness their lives with all their accomplishments and failures. Witness how far they go even if I may not be a direct part of their lives anymore. How badly I want to see my friends (all of you) go off and do great things. Because I know that you all will because you all already have. Pride swells up in my chest as I see all that my friends have done and do. And I love all of you, overwhelmingly so.

But.

I wish… God. I wish I didn’t.

I wish my heart didn’t burst every time I saw someone I loved. I wish I didn’t look at people and think, “Yeah. This is okay. This is worth living for.”

I wish I didn’t have that.

Because then this would finally be over.

But no. I had to care about people and have people care about me. They reciprocated in ways I never thought they would. My friends have made such strong efforts and put their trust in me even long after I begged them not to because I’m as ephemeral as they come. I am fleeting, and all I will do is leave destruction in my wake.

As much as I wish I could disappear in a puff of smoke, my friends would probably see my leaving as detrimental: a destructive explosion rather than a raincloud fading away to let the sun shine.

My friends held their hands out to me and I made the mistake of reaching back. And now, they won’t release me any time soon.

How badly I wish they would. Because I am a bomb with the timer counting down. Because I’ve shown such horrible sides of myself and yet they love me through all of it. Why? Is it because I’m a project person and humans feel this integral need to help/fix people and they are using me to fulfill that craving? Or is it because they care about me? Wholly and unconditionally?

God, I don’t understand at all. I don’t deserve their love or their trust, but I have it. I don’t… understand.

I don’t know what to do. I used to say, “I’ll figure it out�� rather than saying, “I don’t know.”

But… I’m at that point. I don’t know. Nor do I think I will ever.

I know that talking about this is what's keeping me alive. Having this conversation, even if people aren’t “ready” to have it, is important. Because I never EVER want anyone to feel the way that I do. But I know that there are. Some of them may even be reading this. My heart aches for you.

Talking about it is my lifeline right now. Sharing my voice and my story just in case someone may need to hear it.

But... I’m also tired of talking about it.

I hope... that people can still do it. Be a leader in pushing mental health awareness. Be a leader in showing that talking about suicide is not taboo. Be a leader in fighting against those who try to silence you, including yourself.

Even though I won’t anymore. I am tired. Exhausted. Done. It’s a waiting game for me now.

10 years since my depression manifested. 5 straight years of everyday, non-stop suicidal thoughts. Some people may see that as a short amount of time. Yeah. You're right. I'm weak. And tired. And over it.

I put in as much work as I can. I’ll just cheer from the sidelines from now on.

Good luck to all of you. To all of you who still have that drive to continue forward. I believe in you. And I know you will accomplish great things.

I wish you all the best.

^

i wrote the ending of this post the day that i managed to complete my plan of suicide, details and all: i was... just waiting for the energy.

it never came.

so, i’m... still here.

[echofades]

time for some oitnb thoughts!! I’ll probably also start reblogging stuff soon because I have no self control so please do blacklist oitnb spoilers ty.

So in general, I really enjoyed it??? I wasn’t sure how I was going to deal with the pacing without getting bored, but I really never did. Considering I’d only had about 3 hours sleep before starting, I didn’t feel like falling asleep once, so congrats to them! I felt the tension the entire time and I liked that it allowed to go a bit more in-depth into certain character issues.

I’M SO HAPPY WITH PIPER AND ALEX. For the second year in a row!! Amazing!!! I mean, by mid-season I was a little bored of every scene ending in them bickering, but what I loved was that it never went further than that. They disagreed and argued but then they were just.. ok again. It was never turned into a huge drama, and I was so pleased with them tying it all together in the end with Alex’s fear of Piper leaving her. While Piper realised that was the complete opposite of what she wanted :’) SHE GD PROPOSED!!! I would never in a million years have thought that would be a thing I’d see, and I’m a mess. And the flashbacks.. just being reminded of how long they’ve loved each other is a lot. Being reminded of the fact that but they never got over each other.. is a lot. They may be flawed and messy and painful but they love each other so much!! Also, just the continuing thread of Piper being terrified of Alex’s attitude towards killing Aydin because they have their mutual future to think about and she can’t lose her. kill me. Although they’re going to have to have some serious future discussions next season because they’ve now stated that Piper has three months left, and Alex.. clearly has a lot more than that.

(I was however an anxious mess for the last half of the season convinced that something was going to happen to Alex. Particularly in 10 and 12. Trust issues!!!)

Other thoughts:

The tone was.. a little strange, and the guard-torture was hard to watch, although I guess that was the point. 

Taystee was definitely the star of the season, ngl I teared up when she delivered her speech instead of letting Judy do it. In general I think they did a really good job of honouring Poussey, I think the time period helped because everyones grief was still so raw for the entire season. I even had some slightly positive feelings towards Janae!!

Red on speed was v enjoyable, and I enjoyed the random team-up with Flores. I like when they mix up the characters outside of their usual circles.

I never know what to think about Nicky and Lorna. I’m glad that Nicky realised she needed to let her go, and I liked that they delved a little more into Lorna’s mental illness on a (slightly) more serious level.

Wtf are they trying to do with the Doggett and her rapist guard. I didn’t completely hate the storyline originally, because I felt like it made sense that with her history of being consistently abused by men, she would latch onto his apology as a sign that he was a ~good guy deep down, and she’d be willing to accept that. But back then, we had Boo as the voice of reason, reminding us that he was a trash-ass rapist and trying to convince Doggett of her self worth. But now.. that’s gone, and we’re just left with their weird romance?? I don’t understand whether they want us to still think this is gross, or if they’re actually trying to sell it as a legit relationship?? I keep thinking it has to blow up at some point, but like, this has been going on for three seasons now. Move on pls.

How was Michael Harney still credited as a regular without appearing in a single episode????

I actually really enjoyed Daya! Curious as to what they’re going to do with her now. Although I feel like she should have made sure that Pornstache’s mom doesn’t let him near the kid if she takes her.

Speaking of, I was pleased by the random cameos from external characters, it’s nice that people are willing to come back even if it’s just for one scene. I didn’t even hate seeing Larry!

~Flaritza were beautiful as always and I’m glad they were there for comic relief. Them being separated at the end hurt my heart a little.

I love Frieda, although the whole bunker thing seemed.. a tad far-fetched.

Semi-related, when are we getting a Yoga Jones flashback?????? It’s been five seasons my friends, it’s time.

I kind of liked Linda and Boo’s thing, I can’t lie.

I missed Sophia :( 

The ending made me weirdly happy, I just loved the group that ended up together, and that they were all standing in solidarity even after all their differences.

I’m v curious about where this is all going now though. Where are they taking everyone? How will everything get back to normal after this? Will everyone end up getting amnesty after all or is this a nice way to extend all their sentences so they can reach season 20 without anyone having to leave?? Idk but I’m looking forward to it!!

[robertkstone]

2018 Acura MDX Sport Hybrid First Test: Hat Trick

“What does the SH stand for?” a curious woman asked while loading groceries into her newish Explorer, referencing the “SHAWD” badging on my Acura’s tailgate. “Super handling,” I responded. After a pause and a slightly confused look on her face, she replied, “But it’s a big SUV, why would anyone want that? … And [is it] even worth the extra money?” she asked. Two fantastic questions about the 2018 Acura MDX Sport Hybrid. After spending several days in the three-row premium hybrid crossover, I can tell you exactly why someone would opt for a big hybrid SUV with a so-called “super handling” all-wheel-drive system.

Powering the MDX Sport Hybrid is a powertrain consisting of a 3.0-liter V-6 producing 257 hp and 218 lb-ft of torque, a seven-speed twin-clutch transmission, and three electric motors powered by a 1.3 kWh battery pack. The largest of the three motors is housed in the transmission and makes 47 hp and the other two are located at the rear (where you would normally find the axles and differential on non-hybrid AWD models), each can power their own wheel separately. The system’s total power output comes to 321 hp and 289 lb-ft, topping the regular MDX’s rating of 290 hp and 267 lb-ft from its 3.5-liter V-6. A similar system—originally derived from the NSX hybrid supercar—can be found on the RLX Sport Hybrid sedan.

Where this particular Acura excels most is in around-town driving. The four-mode drive system, which is standard on the Sport Hybrid, is to thank for that. When cruising in traffic or in parking lots, Comfort mode provides all the ride comfort most need, and the hybrid system does a good job of using just the electric motors at slow speeds—as long as you don’t stab the throttle—and during steady highway cruising. With a mostly charged battery pack and feathering the throttle, I was able to get the MDX to 25 mph on all-electric power when driving through parking lots and streets with low speed limits. When the gasoline engine kicks in, the transition is sometimes not noticeable if the road is slightly rough.

Normal mode provides a good balance of ride comfort and handling by slightly stiffening the suspension and increasing steering weight and throttle response. Sport mode significantly stiffens the suspension, further increases throttle response, and makes the steering feel heavier. Sport+ mode entertainingly keeps the electric motors on, providing full power during takeoff. Sport+ mode also adjusts throttle response and transmission shifts for maximum performance, while the active suspension flattens the crossover during rapid steering changes and maneuvers. The SH-AWD’s torque vectoring capability is also maximized. We found most three-row crossover buyers would likely most  enjoy the crossover’s handling dynamics in Normal mode. Testing director Kim Reynolds wished the SH-AWD system would react sooner during hard cornering but still said, “This is fun and way better performing (subjectively) than the vast majority of SUVs.”

But most folks buy a hybrid for improved gas mileage, not sporty drive modes. So how much better is fuel economy with the MDX hybrid compared to the non-hybrid model with all-wheel drive? On the highway, the gasoline engine is running most of the time so EPA-rated fuel economy is only improved by 1 mpg to 27 mpg—carrying an extra 238 pounds doesn’t help the hybrid, either. City driving is where the difference is significant. The non-hybrid MDX AWD is rated between 18-19 mpg (depending on whether engine start/stop is equipped) but the Sport Hybrid takes that figure to 26 mpg, almost matching the highway rating. Because both MDX models use the same-size gas tank, the total driving range is also extended to 526 miles over the non-hybrid’s 410-429 miles (based on 45 percent highway and 55 percent city driving). Using that city/highway driving ratio and an expectation of 15,000 miles a year, the EPA says that MDX AWD drivers will spend $450 more on gasoline annually than MDX Sport Hybrid buyers (personalize those values for yourself at the EPA’s site here). Considering the $1,540 premium for the base Sport Hybrid Technology trim over the same trim in the all-wheel-drive non-hybrid MDX, that’s not a bad deal for buyers considering a $50,000+ premium crossover.

In comparison, the Lexus RX 450hL premium three-row rival edges the MDX with a 29/28 mpg rating, while the smaller and similarly priced Volvo XC60 T8 plug-in hybrid does 26/28 mpg when in hybrid mode and can run on all-electric power for up to 17 miles on a full battery.

Some buyers assume hybrids are slow and not fun to drive, but that is not the case with the MDX Sport Hybrid. The extra power from the hybrid powertrain is evident during acceleration. During Motor Trend instrumented testing, the hybrid performed slightly better than the regular MDX, hitting 60 mph in 6.0 seconds compared to the non-hybrid hitting the mark in 6.2 seconds (the two-row RX 450h took 7.0 seconds and the XC60 T8 took 5.4 seconds). In the quarter-mile, the hybrid took 14.6 seconds at 95.2 mph, just beating the non-hybrid’s run of 14.7 seconds at 94.6 mph. Test driver Chris Walton was surprised by the hybrid SUV’s quickness and described the upshifts as smooth. During normal driving, the hybrid system provides plenty of power whenever needed and the twin-clutch transmission is quick and smooth.

Our figure-eight handling course runs were almost identical; the non-hybrid’s 27.0-second run just beat the hybrid’s 27.2 seconds (both averaged 0.65 g). Both variants stopped from 60 mph in a respectable 121 feet but with the hybrid, Walton noted a “big delay between jumping on the pedal and actual slowing.” Additionally, as with most hybrids, the brakes feel a little mushy but still stop well.

In case you’re worried that the hybrid system will impede on interior room, don’t. Designers packaged the MDX Sport Hybrid to have the same cargo and passenger room as the regular MDX while offering more than some competitors—the small battery pack plays a part in that. Behind the third row, the Sport Hybrid offers 15.0 cubic feet of cargo space, 38.4 cubic feet with the third row folded down, and 68.4 with second and third rows folded. The RX 450hL can hold 7.5 cubic feet of cargo behind the third row, 23.0 behind the second row, and a maximum of 58.5 cubic feet behind the front seats. The two-row XC60 T8 measures at 21.1 cubic feet behind the second row and 49.3 with it folded down. The MDX also beats both in passenger volume as well.

Inside, Acura redesigned the MDX’s dual-screen multimedia interface with a new lower touchscreen that is now capacitive and quicker to respond. More intuitive menus and command structures were added as well as Apple CarPlay and Android Auto smartphone integration—smart feature additions considering we haven’t always been fans of Acura infotainment systems in the past. The interior is quiet, too.

Our tester came in the highest Advanced trim that includes 20-inch alloy wheels, LED headlights, LED fog lights, LED puddle lights, perforated premium leather-trimmed seats, heated and ventilated 10-way power front seats, a heated steering wheel, tri-zone automatic climate control, a premium audio system, a navigation system, heated second-row captain’s chairs with a center console, second-row sunshades, a top 8.0-inch screen, a bottom 7.0-inch touchscreen, and a slew of safety features.

The standard AcuraWatch package of driver-assist safety features consists of adaptive cruise control, automatic emergency braking with collision warning, lane keep assist with lane departure warning, and road departure mitigating. The Advanced trim also gets a surround-view camera system, and blind-spot monitoring with rear-cross traffic alert. In IIHS crash testing, the Acura, Lexus, and Volvo crossovers all performed well—all are considered 2018 Top Safety Picks. NHTSA gave the 2018 MDX Sport Hybrid its highest overall rating of five stars. Although the long-wheelbase RX 450hL has yet to be tested, the regular-wheelbase 2018 RX 450h also received five stars. The 2018 XC60 has yet to be crash-tested by the NHTSA.

The Acura MDX Sport Hybrid has a lot going for it, but the crossover does lack in some areas. Even though the multimedia system is easy to use, the dual-screen interface looks aged as does the navigation map, instrument panel, and center stack. The second-row seats are a little firm and the two-seat third row should be reserved for kids only (I made the mistake of trying to fit my 6-foot self back there). I wish a head-up display, more interior ambient lighting, and a power-folding third row were offered. The adaptive cruise control system works like a charm but the lane centering system is not as advanced as some and will ping pong between lanes without substantial driver input—somewhat defeating the purpose of the system. The MDX also blends in with other large crossovers; it doesn’t have a distinctive look, but our tester’s black wheels did look cool.

The MDX Sport Hybrid is a relative value considering the Advance trim’s sticker price of $59,145. The only other trim for the hybrid is a base trim that includes the Technology package, and starts at $53,095. The RX 450hL starts at $51,645 but you miss out on Apple CarPlay and Android Auto, a navigation system, a heated steering wheel, power-folding mirrors, and blind-spot monitoring with rear-cross traffic alert. The smaller Volvo XC60 T8 Plug-in has more power and an all-electric driving range but has a starting price of $53,895.

Not everyone will understand the point of a sporty, efficient hybridized luxury crossover, and that’s fine. But some drivers will appreciate a crossover that visits the gas pump less often, even if the hybrid system costs more, enjoy driving on quiet and clean all-electric power, and have fun with a multi-driving-mode crossover with the instant power response of electric motors. Personally, I would gladly pay the $1,540 premium for the Sport Hybrid version of the MDX.

2018 Acura MDX Sport Hybrid SH-AWD (Advance) BASE PRICE $59,145 PRICE AS TESTED $59,145 VEHICLE LAYOUT Front-engine, AWD, 6-pass, 4-door SUV ENGINE 3.0L/257-hp/218-lb-ft SOHC 24-valve V-6 plus 47-hp/109-bl-ft central and (36+36)-hp/(54+54)-lb-ft dual rear electric motors; 321 hp/289 lb-ft combined TRANSMISSION 7-speed twin-clutch auto CURB WEIGHT (F/R DIST) 4,460 lb (57/43%) WHEELBASE 111.0 in LENGTH x WIDTH x HEIGHT 196.2 x 77.7 x 67.4 in 0-60 MPH 6.0 sec QUARTER MILE 14.6 sec @ 95.2 mph BRAKING, 60-0 MPH 121 ft LATERAL ACCELERATION 0.83 g (avg) MT FIGURE EIGHT 27.2 sec @ 0.65 g (avg) EPA CITY/HWY/COMB FUEL ECON 26/27/27 mpg ENERGY CONS, CITY/HWY 130/125 kW-hrs/100 miles CO2 EMISSIONS, COMB 0.73 lb/mile

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