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tryingtounderstandbrainheart · 16 hours

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El complicado + framsteg

Fast…det bestämmer väl jag? Hur vi har det. Även om Han är supernöjd (eller typ?) så måste väl jag ändå… Samtidigt känns det sådär… det borde kännas…bättre? Seglingen och liksom att det ändå går framåt. Men det är de där små huggen av lyssnar inte riktigt och mer fokuserad på sitt välmående. Lite sådär…aj dedär gjorde ont och det där också. Papercuts.

Worried. Worried att vi är mer djupt rotade vänner än partners. Hur fan vet man gränsen? Hur vet man vad som är rätt?? Livrädd att yttra orden. Rädd för att verka otacksam. Han gör ju SÅ mycket! He really does. Jag kanske bara är en himla brat som inte tar hand om mig själv och anklagar honom. 14 årings mentalitet. Omogen. Jag VILL bara att det ska funka och vara bra och vi…blir sådär fantastiska som vi var.

Var.

Men vem är jag ens utan honom? Som en sockerkaka med bara socker? Det kanske ska vara så?

Jag är i nåt himla mellanland där jag vill att vi ska hitta tillbaka till intimiteten. Men han sitter på sin stol och flippar på mobilen. Han vill inte pusha mig på nåt sätt och han vet att jag gått igenom mycket. Jag får avgöra takten. Jag vill göra saker tillsammans och jag vet inte…jag vet fan inte. I am worried.

Jag känner väl att… det får fortsätta att rulla på. Bygga på mig och mitt och vårt och sen.. . det skulle vara så mycket skönare bara om det inte skar så jävla hårt i hjärtat liksom. Stress, oro och sorg som bara är så jävla tung. Men alternativet känns som döden. . Rock and a hard place tror jag det kallas.

Men vi kan ju skoja och vi kramas långa kramar och han är ju extremt tillåtande, han vill ju inget annat än att jag är lycklig – oavsett.

Kanske mest … . behöver mer av ett eget liv och kanske gör han det här för att stärka mig. Att han någonstans på något plan vet att det är det här jag verkligen behöver.

Men det känns som att jag inte ens får säga det, eller ens tänka det. Samtidigt så… får jag inte tänka och känna sånt som jag känner??

Kanske är det mest för att jag behöver mer av lek och liv som jag behöver känna att något saknas? Jag vet inte. Men jag känner att jag vänjer mig, att jag blivit van och det är äckligt vad man kan vänja sig vid.

Allt är väl bra? Vi umgås ju massor? Det har ju blivit mycket bättre?

Det är konstigt hur man kan se på samma sak på olika sätt. Det får mig ju att tvivla på mig och och fundera på om det är mig det är fel på. Det kanske ska vara såhär? Eller så …bestämmer jag det.

Men jag vet det… vi får se hur det blir, vi kanske bara behöver flytta och göra mer liksom, då blir det nog bättre. Nu är jag där. Det är det här som ska vara det jag vill ha. På sätt och vis är det ju det, jag får mycket tid till mig men… det finns en känsla av att vara i framtiden, kanske för att nuet inte riktigt…är nog?

Gonatt. Hejdå. Stäng den lådan.

Den vägen går inte heller. Dels för att jag är fucking livrädd för att han ska få en hjärtattack igen, att han ska bli så olycklig att han inte vet om livet är värt att leva längre. Det är liksom där det hamnar. Jag är också rädd för att detsamma ska hända mig; vem fan är jag ens utan honom liksom..?

Han där och jag här.

Jag pratade med Torali igår och hon berättade hur hennes man lämnat henne och barnen för grannen och hur han var så olycklig och deprimerad och gick på antidepressiva. Mia har ju också funderat på att lämna Per då det tar så mycket energi av henne. Men det är en sak att känna så ibland och en helt annan att riva upp hela sitt liv. För det är ju det man gör. Inget kommer ju vara sig likt liksom.

Bara så trött på KråNGEL.

Bara så trött på att känna mig lite sårad / undergiven.

Bara så trött på att jag känner så här.

Det finns väl inte alltid några enkla val och vägar och ...man får väl avgöra själv. Men eftersom det gör ont så tar jag avstånd och gör mer min grej… neeejdå allt är typ bra. Det blir ju bättre så det blir nog bra. Jag måste mest göra mer, ha fler vänner och mer saker som är mina. Fan vad jag lägger alla ägg i den korgen.

Mitt liv är ju mitt. Men det äckligt när man känner att har jag en partner eller en väldigt bra nära vän? För delar av mig börjar söka det. Delar som saknas. Jo typ partner. Typ jätteviktigaste vännen. Konstiga kompisar var vi. Vi kanske alltid kommer vara det.

Det sker så omedvetet. Som strömmar under allt. Det bara känns och bubblar. Som om Universum, själen eller något bara pockar och visar. Håligheter och trasigheter. Ska jag vara utan det där? Valde jag bort det där?

Där någonstans står jag.

Samtidigt är jag så EVINNERLIGT tacksam. Jag börjar bli mer omgiven av fina människor lite här och där och spindelnätet byggs på. Jag är så oerhört tacksam för honom. Att han finns i mitt liv och hjälper mig dag efter dag och stöttar tror på mig och bygger. Kom igen nu..!

Jag vet inte…det är mest nåt som spökar som jag inte riktigt kan få fatt.

Men liksom…om jag hade ett värdigt och bra sätt att försörja mig på, om jag hade ett ganska stort nätverk av vänner, om jag gick ännu mer mot mina drömmar, var hamnar detta då liksom? Det känns som att försöka få bearings från marken. Jag måste upp på höjden för att se. Jag vet inte än, jag kommer inte veta förrän …jag är där.

Ja…jag var 18 när vi träffades. Jag är 43 idag. Det är lite skillnad på krav och tryck. Plötsligt ska det hålla en livstid. Plötsligt ska det täcka alla mina behov jag hade, inklusive de jag gömde. Antingen det eller för evigt släppa vissa saker jag drömde om.

Han menar ju mest att han älskar mig över allt annat och resten spelar ingen roll. Det är mig han vill spendera sitt liv med. Jag känner att ja . .typ. Jag känner att den jag verkligen vill spendera livet med är MIG. Jag vill uppleva allt dedär som jag drömde om. För tryggheten är skön men den äter upp äventyr och de där minnena jag ville ha.

Samtidigt är det ju inte ”för sent”.

Man kan göra radikala saker men fan jag bygger ju! Jag bygger som en galning känns det som. Bygger på drömmar och verkligheter. Då vill jag inte stå med bomber som en idiot och bara dööööööerp. Jahaaaaaa oJJj allt jikk visst Sönder..!

Leva.

Göra kul saker.

Få underbara minnen.

Utvecklas.

Skratta.

Rinse repeat.

Så nä, inte bomber, jag vill inte leka med sånt. Utan snarare fortsätta bygga, bygga och bygga tills…jag är tillfredsställd.

Jag _åkte_ faktiskt lite med mina rullskidor igår..! Förstå gången med två..! Jag stod på gräset med stavarna och skidorna och tittade på asfalten och kände sådär…aaaaj will hurt myself.... Men jag tog det jättelugnt och min takt och när jag börja känna att ja det var vingligt men..liiite. Jag tog lite fart och åkte lite ”skidor”. Jäjj 😊 Det var lite trivsligt. Det var lite kul faktiskt. Jag tror jag kan komma att gilla dedär om jag blir bättre. Jag ville åka idag också men idag va det styrketräning så då fick det bli det istället. Nöjd över att jag Äntligen kan lyfta den där himla stången! 😊 Blir intressant med hur mycket träningsvärk det blir nu 😊 Eventuellt ska jag ta med min slackline till pildammarna imorn, beror på hur ont jag har.

Det är lite som det är. Jag vet inte vad som alltid är 100% rätt. Ibland kanske det är lite mer oklart. Ibland kanske det beror på andra faktorer. Det Är Vad Det Är.

Men ja ...Gömma och jag vill inte visa. Det är klart bra. Jag är såklart väldigt tacksam. Jag är såklart nöjd och glad...! Snälla se inte in här. Fråga inte exakt och rota runt. Jag vet inte varför eller hur ...

Jag försöker att inte tokstressa över det heller för det blir inte heller bra. Jag är galet tacksam över att jag lever och ändå får vara så stark och ha såå många möjligheter, det går verkligen inte nöd på mig..! Jag behöver nog mest fortsätta.

Onwards.

#komplikationer #2024 #uffh #det blir nog bra #stress #ostabilt #stabilt #vi #och där någonstans också Jag

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spiritofjustice · 2 months

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Finished replaying TGAA tonight and well. now what i do with my life

I still might replay some SOJ cases so I can take notes for lore n stuff but beyond that idk!!! TGAA is one of those games where you finish and you’re like damn. I really have nothing more to play in this wonderful world??? Uffh. I hope we see another game in the TGAA world eventually

#psy's no punctuation posts #aa tag

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skyliv · 4 months

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Yellow pink and purple for the rose ask game? 🥰

+ GREEN!! i see u girl don't worry! (sorry on my part for the late response i hate the class im in rn)

Pink Rose: What is your F/O's love language? What is yours? Do you often get misunderstandings because of it?

she's a quality time girly through and through, although physical affection is up there as well

for me? uhhhm uhh gift giving and quality time

i don't think there would be any major misunderstandings

except for sky being rlly easily flustered by anything

Purple Rose: What is a secret you hide from your F/O? Do they have one too?

i'm rlly bad at keeping secrets, so i'd probably just accidentally spill everything one night

for liv? mainly her past.. it's rough

her fights and the extent of things she's done for her work

Green Rose: What are the things you and your F/O have in common?

UFFH A LOOT

interest in the designs of living things (her actuators for example)

cats.

both being rlly enthusiastic at times

idk any more but i'll update once im out of this hell school

#🪶skyliv🧪#selfship ask game #ask!!!

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nothere2010-blog · 6 months

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college Jackie 1st chapter by Natatat

Prologue to Juicy Jackie:

Halloween

Jackie had chosen a catwoman type suit made of something akin to latex. It was black and she had the cat ears and tail very stereotypical sorority girl costume. However Jackie wanted it to be sluttier so she purchased one that left her chest and stomach completely open aside from crisscrossing cords that you could pull tighter if need be. The outfit also had these scandalous detailing on the front of the thighs going up almost to the stomach. Essentially it was "here's a taste of what I got." All of this was topped off with her insane heels. She screamed sex. The costume highlighted her best assets, her butt and her boobs respectively. Jackie had a long torso and short powerful legs and a big butt. She had a kind of pixie nose and an oval face. She believed this costume would set her apart from her sorority sisters and get her the man she had been chasing.

"I look sexy as fuck" Jackie struck poses in the full length mirror in her dorm. She decided to curl her long blonde hair which was stick straight. "This is sure to get his attention." She adjusted her costume tying it tighter to push her boobs together. "There, that is much better" she pulled out the curlers and struck another pose viewing her butt. She slapped it and nodded at her reflection and checked her makeup.

"Jackie hurry up! We are going to be late!" Sam yelled at her roommate from downstairs. God that girl takes forever to get ready. I bet she is checking herself out in the mirror again. All we had to do was wear a simple cat costume for this stupid sorority thing, how hard is that?

"I'm coming!" Jackie grabbed her little purse and once again checked her reflection and blew herself a kiss in the mirror. "Perfect"

"Wow! Damn girl that's a lot of skin!" Sam had to admit Jackie looked gorgeous.

"WHat is it too much?" Jackie looked worried.

"No, you look amazing! I was just surprised is all. And I mean I would have gotten more dressed up if I knew you were going all out." Sam laughed.

"I mean I'm trying to get Taylor to notice me." Jackie tied the string a little tighter and adjusted her boobs.

"So are you going for sexy with a bit of slutty?" Sam asked laughing.

"No I was just going for sexy, okay yes I was more going for slutty. I want him. He will be mine."

"How exactly do you intend to 'make' him yours?" "Hello, with my nice fat ass!" Jackie turned around and stuck her butt in Sam's face then slapped it. Then turned around and struck a pose. "No man, or woman can resist this baby!" Jackie leaned against Sam and laid her chin on her shoulder. "Not even you" Jackie laughed.

"Damn it Jackie you pulled my hair. Get off." Sam shoved Jackie off her not without some effort. Jackie was heavy. "Uffh god you are heavy, don't do the dead weight thing. Let's get going."

"Yay party party!"

"Yes okay let's go!"

"I'm gonna get my man hahaha!" Jackie yelled.

"SHhhhhhhh be quiet." Jackie kept blathering on about Taylor and how she was going to get him and all that jazz. While she was talking Sam couldn't help but notice the softness of Jackies' stomach. Jackie had always had a flat stomach but never toned. If she's not careful she will start to get mushy. Oh well she's a big girl she will figure it out.

At the party things were swinging. They met up with their sorority sisters, all dressed as cats. It looked a little weird. Sam saw her friend Josh and waved to him. He was standing with a handsome guy, very tall, very perfect. Sam was suddenly jerked to the side.

"Sam quick how do I look?" Jackie squeaked. Sam looked Jackie up and down.

"You look amazing, why are you freaking out?" Sam was confused and her wrist kind of hurt from Jackie jerking her to the side. "Oh is that Taylor?"

"Yess duh. Help me" Jackie was flustered.

"Shhhh calm down, here," she grabbed a shot of vodka for Jackie. "Drink this." Jackie looked at it apprehensively. Then looked at Taylor.

"Okay I'm going to need two more of these to get up the courage to go talk to him." Jackie looked longingly at Taylor.

"No no you don't need more, you are great now let's go. We have the perfect excuse because I know his friend Josh." Jackie looked relieved.

"Thank god! That's so much easier." They made their way over to the boys.

#weight gain story #fantasy feeder #teasing #belly play #fat belly

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gutsfics · 2 years

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Pre-production

AO3 Link Fandom: Red Carpet Diaries Pairing: Thomas Hunt x Avalon (M!OC) Rating: General Audiences Length: 1,990 words Prompt: 2 - Person A being totally oblivious to the fact that they’re pregnant (bonus points if Person B has to make them aware of all the obvious signs) requested by @peonyblossom Notable Headcanons/Tropes: Trans!Thomas, Mpreg (by which I mean "pregnant trans man")

Summary: Did you know that testosterone doesn't make trans men infertile? Thomas didn't.

A/N: This takes place sometime in the middle of book 3. It's also an AU of my planned RCD rewrite, as the way I characterize Thomas and Avalon, I don't think that they would have kids. However I had already given them kids and gotten attached to them by the time I made that decision, so. AU. Also because this is an AU I can futz with my own canon for funzies! Baxter is the doctor mentioned in this fic despite them still being in their residency in Edenbrook in canon

They were supposed to be getting lunch.

Instead, they were still on set, watching Seth and Chadley run through a scene together.

Thomas tries to focus on the actors in front of him but his nausea was proving to be too much of a distraction to give them the attention they deserved.

When the scene ends, Macy turns expectantly to Thomas and Avalon. “Well?”

“You’re right on it not being quite where it needs to be…” Avalon begins. “I think… what the problem is… William’s been working for Ragnar his entire life, yeah? I don’t think he’d just be angry to find out what he’s been doing this whole time. He’d be hurt, he’d be upset, he’d be betrayed.”

Seth nods. “That makes sense.”

“What do you think?” Macy asks, turning to Thomas.

“I-” But before he can answer, a wave of nausea hits him. He launches himself at a garbage can set up near craft services, doing his best to drag the can away from the food while simultaneously vomiting into it.

“I didn’t think it was that bad,” Chadley says, and although Thomas can’t see his face with his head in the garbage, he can hear the hurt in Chadley’s voice.

“Damn, he beat me to the punch…” Seth complains.

“Don’t punch him! He might puke again!”

There’s a pause.

“...No, Chadley.”

Thomas tunes out the conversation, trying to suppress the rest of his nausea. He feels a warm, familiar hand on his back.

“You alright, darlin?” Avalon asks, voice soft and full of concern.

Thomas nods. “I should be, I just-- uffh!” He lowers his head back into the can.

“Yeahhh… Macy, we’re gonna have to take a raincheck on lunch. I gotta get him home.”

“Right, of course, take all the time you need. Make sure he rests, and gets lots of fluids, and-”

Avalon raises a hand, stopping her. “I know how to take care of my own partner,” he states, a bit sourly. He gently scoops Thomas up, careful not to jostle him around too much. With a brisk nod to Seth and Chadley, he carries Thomas off the lot.

“You don’t have a fever, so it’s not the flu, I ain’t sick so it’s not food poisoning… Are you in any pain? Anywhere at all?”

“No, just a bit nauseous. It’s mostly gone now.”

Avalon rubs his chin, thinking. “This might be a long shot, but do you think maybe…” he trails off, shaking his head.

“What?”

“Could you be pregnant?”

Thomas blinks. That was a possibility he had not considered, one he didn’t think was necessary to consider. “I’ve been on hormone therapy for over twenty years; I haven’t menstruated since I was a teenager. There is no possible way I could be pregnant.”

“You’re sure? Completely and 100 percent?”

“I-- yes! The doctor that gave me the prescription told me it would make me inf-- that it would work as a contraceptive!”

“Take a test? Please? Just to cover all our bases?”

Thomas scowls, looking away. “If it’ll give you peace of mind, fine. I’m telling you now that it’ll come up negative.”

“Thank you. I ain’t expecting- nor wanting, necessarily- any particular outcome, I just wanna know why you’re throwing up.”

“...Okay.”

“Okay.” Avalon kisses his forehead. “I’ll go down to CVS and get a test. You’ll be alright on your own til I get back?”

“I’m just a little sick, that’s all. I’m not dying.”

“I’m allowed to worry about you.”

Thomas sighs, closing his eyes. “...Please be quick.”

“Of course.” Avalon kisses him gently one last time, then leaves him alone with his thoughts.

They had talked about wanting to talk about the possibility of having kids, but it never seemed like the right time to bring it up. Thomas would never say it out loud, but the idea that the decision would be made for them terrified him. If they were going to have kids, he wanted it to be a deliberate choice, one thought through and talked about. He knew Avalon liked kids, and had, at some point in his life, wanted to be a father, but with everything going on in their lives, their life…

Thomas wasn’t even sure if he knew what he, himself, wanted.

But he did know one thing.

He loves Avalon, and Avalon loves him.

And they would always be there for each other.

Well. He knew three things, then.

Thomas stares down at the pink and white stick in his hands- at the red plus sign that had appeared on it.

“Well?” Avalon asks quietly.

Thomas knew he knew.

He tips his hand, showing Avalon the result.

Unable to speak.

“...Oh.” Avalon breathes. “Oh. I knew it was a possibility, but…” he leans against the bathroom counter, shocked. “I didn’t really think-- I mean I did, but…”

“Maybe it’s a false positive,” Thomas says finally, voice raspy.

“False positives ain’t as common as false negatives, but if you think…”

“I think.”

“Okay… okay… We’ll do another one. Just to be sure.”

“I cannot believe you bought this many.”

“I thought that if there was a positive you might wanna double check. I wasn’t wrong,” he adds quickly.

“No, but…” he trails off.

The timer on Avalon’s phone goes off, and they both hurry to look at the small collection of pregnancy tests on the counter.

“Oh,” says Thomas.

“Oh,” says Avalon. “All positives.”

“Not all of them.” Thomas picks up the one negative.

“Darlin…”

“I know.”

They stand together in silence for a few moments.

“I have heard that there are certain kinds of cancer that can cause a pregnancy test to be positive,” Thomas says.

“Oh? What kinds of cancer?”

“...Testicular…”

Avalon stares at Thomas for a long time. “Baby… you don’t have testicles.”

“...Yeah.” Thomas sighs. After a beat, he asks, voice quiet, “What now?”

“I think… we confirm it with a gynecologist… and then… talk, I guess. It’s about time for it, anyway.”

“Right…”

They both look back down at the positive tests.

Thomas reaches out and gently touches Avalon’s hand.

Avalon laces his fingers in Thomas’.

“-the looks of it, your baby is about seven weeks along-”

Thomas found it difficult to listen to what the doctor was saying, what Avalon was asking, to even breathe as he stares, dumbfounded, at the little… thing the doctor had pointed out, a lumpy round shape on the screen of the ultrasound machine.

His baby.

Emotion he couldn’t place wells up inside him, threatening to burst.

His baby.

A little blueberry, growing inside him. And he'd had no idea.

And then- he hears the heartbeat.

Oh.

That was his baby.

A sudden calm washes over him.

He reaches for Avalon- his lover, his lifeline- and squeezes his hand.

Their baby, he realizes.

He shakes himself out of his stupor and pays closer attention to the doctor.

“If you decide to keep it, you will have to go off testosterone and start on an estrogen treatment to ensure the baby can grow properly. Although, I must warn you, it’s not entirely common for transmen of your age, who have been on testosterone for as long as you have, to carry a child. There may be some… unforeseen complications if you choose to keep it.”

“How long do we have until the choice is… made for us?” Thomas asks.

“Ah…” The doctor clears their throat. “Until the fetus is viable, about 16 to 17 weeks along. But the sooner you decide for yourself, the better.”

“I see.”

“Do you have any further questions?”

Thomas shakes his head.

“Alright. Well, everything looks and sounds about how it should. Let me finish up here and you’ll be free to go.”

Once the doctor gives them an all clear, Thomas follows Avalon quietly out of the clinic.

They’re almost home before Avalon clears his throat. “So…”

Thomas twists his hands together in his lap. “You… once told me that you wanted to be a father.”

Avalon glances over at him for a moment before returning his eyes to the road. “Well… yes. But it was sorta… what I mean to say is… if you don’t want it, it ain’t necessary for me. I don’t have to be a dad, if you don’t want-”

“I want it. I want to keep this, to have a child with you. I knew it from the moment I heard it’s heartbeat.”

“Are- are- are you sure? The doctor said you’d have to take estrogen, I don’t want you to go through something that might cause you the kinda hurt you’ve worked so hard to escape.”

Thomas places a hand on Avalon’s thigh. “I’ll admit, the idea of childbirth has, previously… well, it terrified me. But I think… I am at a point in my life where I know it’s something I can handle.”

“And you… want this, want this? It ain’t just… pregnancy hormones giving you some kind of… baby fever?” He parks the car in their driveway and turns to face Thomas.

“I want this, Avalon. More than anything. Just as long as you want it, too.”

“I-- I do, Thomas. I want it, too. I wanna be a parent with you. But I don’t want this decision made just because I accidentally knocked you up, or because I blurted something out after a near-death experience. Just the other day you said you’d rather have cancer.”

“That’s not what I said. I said that it could be cancer.”

“It really sounded like-”

“I know how it sounded. I was… unsure of what I wanted, and I didn’t know how I would handle this decision being made for us without us talking it over.”

“Well, we’re talking it over now.”

“Yes.”

“And you’re absolutely sure that you want to?”

“How many times are you going to make me say it? …Are you hoping that I’ll change my mind? Do you want this?”

“Yes, of course! I just- I can’t believe-” he suddenly bursts out laughing. “We’re going to be fathers! Us! …Oh lord, there’s so much preparing we gotta do, so much stuff we gotta babyproof, we gotta-”

“Look at me.” Thomas takes Avalon’s face gently in his hands. We have eight months-”

“Seven and a half.”

"We have seven and a half months to get everything figured out. That is plenty of time to prepare."

"Are you sure we'll be able to do it?"

"Avalon, we've worked on movies with quicker turnaround than the time it will take for this baby to be born."

"But this isn't a movie, this is a baby. A person. Every decision we make will affect who our baby will become."

"Yes. And luckily for us, the most important choices we need to make right now are which room we should convert into a nursery and what books on parenting we should read. We don't need to jump in the deep end and decide what college our child will attend."

Avalon sighs, turning his head slightly to press a kiss against Thomas' palm. "You're right. I guess I'm just… worried. That we might screw up."

“That is a very real possibility, and an understandable worry. I’m not going to say that we won’t screw up, but-” he pauses, searching for the right words to say. “I don’t think it’s possible to not mess up when it comes to parenthood. No matter how hard you try, you can’t protect your child from the world, not in a way that’s healthy for them. All we can do is… our best. And hope that it’s enough.”

“Woah there. Our best? What happened to Mr Perfectionism?”

“Perfect doesn’t exist in people. Only the strive to be better today than you were yesterday.”

“You’re right…” Avalon smiles, visibly relaxing. “You have no idea how comforting it is to hear you say that.”

“I think I have some idea.” Thomas leans across the console and kisses Avalon tenderly.

---