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dreadfuldevotee · 9 months

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Today, I let myself be a bit nerdy and fan-ish and listened to the ep of David Tennant's podcast that he did with Jodie Whittaker just as like, a bit of background noise and cuz I thought they'd be a fun duo (they are).

I was not! expecting to get about 10 minutes in before I had to sit on the floor and Cry a bit because Jodie casually shattered my heart into a million pieces. Not because what she said was sad itself, but it made me realize what I've been doing and the root behind something that's been sitting on my soul for the past couple of years.

I'll give you the cliff notes, cuz leading up to the sentence is like 3 different anecdotes (which is a Mood). but basically, in specific regard to persuing acting but applicable to really anything, not having some backup plan. That you are a cat with 9 lives and you should put everything into that "first life" and go after it while youre energetic and willing. If it fails- well then you tried and you've experienced something but its not the end of the world and can go off and try again with the next "life".

It was just so astounding to me! Its such a simple concept and one I've heard put in similar ways to me when I was applying for acting programs as a highschooler, but the difference is the belief and the kind of cavalier nature of it. Actors will always say "if you can imagine doing anything else go do that". Even when they're telling you it's all or nothing, they're actively trying to psych you out, or act like your world will end. And as the shakey ass, mentally ill teenager I was faltered and got so afraid. But never because I was scared of never working or it not panning out, but just so ashamed of myself- that the Thing that's Missing In Me was the cause of doubt in everyones tone. Was why all the support in my life had that deep under current of "run for the hills, get out while you can".

And so I did. I flaked out on all my acting auditions, broke down in tears infront of my voice teacher and ghosted her, never saw my acting coach again and I switched gears completely to go into costuming. Which, I should say, I do love. Its a genuine passion and anyone whos talked to me- and especially anyone who's seen me in my day to day know that I am a certified Clotheswhore™️. But also I'd go into tech on shows and get so envious, it'd bring me to tears. I'd sob through any show and just listening to cast recordings would put me in such a deep depression. I would day dream about being on the otherside of my fittings, about being the kind of actor that my friends and I thought were the "Good Ones". As much as I loved what I was doing, I was always dreaming of something else.

I think the fact that I loved it so much helped me forget that it wasn't really what I wanted, though. I said to a friend like a week ago! that I had stopped listening to show tunes because it depressed me. Which is just? so sad? I have boxes of playbills that I've collected and gotten signed and going to the theater was something I adored. I made so many friends because I was Such An Annoying Theater Kid on both here and twitter and I think that kid would be so mortified that this thing that I still love brings me such pain right now.

This is kind of a shitty revelation to be having right now tho, because I actually still have a semester left of my degree and school is already hard enough before I'd come to realization that I'm only here in this program because I severely hate myself and was too afraid to do what I actually wanted. It was so heartbreaking to me, because I had this immediate wash of "What have I done? Have I made a horrible mistake? is it all too late, did I squander my time?" Theres something to be said about classical education or just any acting education. Most everything I know is my own personal snobbery and Autistic Affliction, but I dont know what thats worth in reality.

A Lot of this can be summed up in "20 smth feels like life is over if you dont have it figured out by graduation" and ik that's silly and untrue at heart. But I felt it then at 15 the way I do now at 21- That theater is a true love of my life and that I've been in a kind of agony being away from it that I wasnt prepared for.

I dooon't know what that means or what that says about me or even what the fuck to do with this information now that its been beat across my head. The self hate is still there. I still feel a burning shame whenever I become aware of how honest I'm being about myself where other people can see. But I think I'll die unhappy if I never tried. I don't want it to be a casual thing because its never been a casual love for me. I could be so happy sewing in my freetime or only doing it as something to keep bills paid but I would want acting to consume my life. I want to take it seriously and squander all other prospects to keep fueling it.

#when i say this is a long ass post- be warned #anyway the one time I want my diary its in another state sooo #heres how my fucking teeth got kicked in (metaphorically) by random silly interview #like i sat on the floor about for like an hour it was so serious for me #sadly if not the first the second step of this Speech Therapy which ik will devesate me emotionally #ugh what is my life #char.txt

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christadeguchi · 10 days

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(✿◕‿◕) die (ꈍ ꒳ ꈍ✿)

#MY GIRLLLLLLLL <333333 you're doing amazing sweetie kill them all you deserve to #anyway. coping mechanism. the problems in my life i could solve if society just let me have a death note #this show really is an exercise in patience and suffering i get SO squicked out #by how much the horrible characters and situations mirror the insanity of what's happening in real life #also the revelation that some of the actors are Exactly as shitty as their characters are is. ugh.#but every time i'm like okay i can't take it i need to stop to protect my headspace #i think of kimiko and am like.... no... i need to see my gir....#hope karen gets jucy roles in other shows too PLEASE #the boys #kimiko miyashiro #karen fukuhara #theboysedit

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egophiliac · 11 months

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now that I can think semi-coherently again...whooooo's ready for Friday WEEHOO

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #stage in playful land #stage in playfulland #i've only had gidel for a day and a half et cetera you know the rest #guidel? gider? ah yes. what's that romanization. my favorite game #i'm gonna go with fellow and gidel until something official comes out i guess #anyway HEY it's spooky carnival time where everybody wears hats and then probably turns into puppets or something! i'm excited!#yuu and grim are probably going to be there also which means it doesn't canonically take place during glorious masquerade #which is unfortunate because that really is the most hilarious possibility #ace and deuce in unison: ugh you won't BELIEVE what happened while you were gone #these boys cannot just have one nice day without someone trying to take over the school or destroy all magic forever or something #such is life in twisted wonderland

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yrsonpurpose · 10 months

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TAYLOR ZAKHAR PEREZ Natural Diamonds

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blackkatdraws2 · 6 months

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There are more things in the Parable than Stanley knows about. [Blank Scripts AU]

#hoh boy i was going to make a comic to introduce these monsters but #i couldnt help myself and made an animation instead #because i just think they're so neat and cool okay #listen i cant for the life of me just infofump about my AU and OCs #because i just think that making actual content about my lore and stuff will not only raise the chances of people being interested #but also it will also raise my motivation to actually produce more content other than the same old recycled front-facing-profile drawings #i need to get creative with my stuff or I'll also loose interest and I DONT want that #in order to be happy with what i have i cant just think about it and expect to be given something new NOOOO i need to MAKE it ughh #i cant believe in order to get more content out of my own au i would need to draw it and feed myself ugh ugh ugh unbelievable (kidding)#but also #i wanna make a little music video or animation again for youtube #its been a hot while since ive uploaded anything in there at all #maybe an animation reel will do for now?#i hope so :(#because ive been working on expanding the Black Scripts AU #and honestly i dont regret it #i had a lot of fun making up scenarios and comics for Stanley and the Narrator (Black)#but yeah!#apart from this little video #you wont be getting an explanation on what these things are supposed to be #and why theyre there #actually i was originally gonna make this into a full fledge animation with sound effect/music/frame-by-frame movement/etc.#but i got lazy HAHA #tsp blank scripts au #tsp au #the stanley parable #the stanley parable ultra deluxe #tsp

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sophies-junkyard · 1 year

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SO excited to see how Marceline is gonna react to Simon’s decision. Like. Simon is so deep in his own shit he has NO IDEA how angry she would be if she knew his plan. And there have been a lot of nods to this. I think it’s very intentional that we the audience saw little Frozen Marcy, but Simon didn’t. He’s not thinking about her right now. Her absence in these universes feels so pointed, ya know?

I mean think about Farm World. We know that in the Farm World universe Marcy guarded Simon’s body for a THOUSAND YEARS. She never left his side, lest the crown fall into someone else’s hands. She went mad with only the memory of his voice to keep her company… but he doesn’t know that. He doesn’t seem to fully understand what his transformation did to her.

It’s not super clear how much they’ve talked about it, but knowing both their characters I’m wondering how open Marceline was about her experience with the Ice King. How she could never get through to him even when she cried and pleaded. That she held onto Hambo for a thousand years. That she constantly watched him hurt the people she loved. That she was such a stranger to him that he tried to KISS HER??? Did they REALLY talk about it? Would he be throwing away his second chance if he knew how badly it would hurt her?

“All Simon ever wanted was to see Betty again”. And all Marceline ever wanted was to have Simon back. It’s what Betty wanted too.

I cannot WAIT for the reckoning.

#adventure time #fionna and cake #imagine what she would do if she went looking for Simon and he was gone #if she was forced to look into those unrecognizing eyes again #I just want her to slap him so fucking hard #I know he feels like nobody needs him but dammit OF COURSE marceline needs him #just because she’s busy with her girlfriend doesn’t mean she’s gonna be okay with Ice Kings return #uGH #marceline #ice king #simon petrikov #winter king #bubbline #petrigrof #this is my life

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deoidesign · 9 days

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Thinking about vampires, death, life, and the space they occupy in between

#to be or not to be. that is the question #ty adam for being my model for dramatic vampire moment #musings on the thinkings about:#when to live you are required to hurt others. you must repeatedly ask yourself what the value of your life is #To sleep... perchance to dream...#ah. THERES THE RUB.#ok I actually couldnt come up with too many thoughts. I had a lot more while I was drawing this but I guess I put them in the painting LOL #reading that soliloquy and being like damn this is just like vampires #the reality of course is that the soliloquy is a debate over suicide and ultimately making the choice to live #even if just out of fear of the unknown #and vampires are about dying and then in undeath choosing to continue to live #despite the fear of eternity and loneliness and hurting others #theyre not the same. but like let me thiiink come onnnn I'm allowed to thiiink and have incomplete thoughts #I would have to write like a proper essay about this to organize my thoughts. this is the tags on a tumblr post.#anyways finished episode 79 #working on patreon stickers for this month (and next month soon)#and working on book 4. taking a pause from episodes cause I've got 3 weeks of buffer now... UGH #I'm so mad that they changed it. it would have been 5 weeks before but it's fine it's whatever #anyways yeah taking a break from episodes to make my book now!#its good stuff.#and this painting is good stuff #banger after banger from me tbh #this was a little relaxing giving myself a couple hours to muse #it's necessary for my health and I always forget that til I do a painting...#I loved doing the little landscape in the background too I should do that more! I love how plants are just like whatever shape you want #like you can make up any plant you want and not only does that plant PROBABLY exist somewhere #a weirder plant exists somewhere too. so. literally whatever you want #ok bye again for a few days while I get back to work

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ariseur · 6 months

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i cant get over the fact that capcom made him so beautiful just to merge him back with urizen

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malzykins · 8 months

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realized I never ever posted my fellas :[ it's been days...

#lethal company #lethal company oc #my art #personal #almost as many goop drawings on the buddy ref sheet than of buddy himself. is that a bad sign :sob:#I MEAN. his life at this stage is pretty much dominated by exterior forces #until he grows up anyway....#this was also when I thought I was going to make him based on holly leaves. WRONG! elephant ear 🥰#I think I wanted to wait til I had my jester/nutcracker done too but. idfk what I want to name them tbh LOL #or how I want to distinguish them from the run of the mill fellas!! ugh!!! i hate character creation!!!!

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puppyeared · 10 months

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beep beep im a sheep

speeddraw below the cut (audio warning)

song: "Cult of Dionysis" by The Orion Experience

#before anybody says anything i have never played cotl in my entire life and i dont plan to. but. crow showed me some narilamb art #and i. well.. HMMMMM kinda fruity if i do say so myself..#also i wanted to play around with the lambs design and had fun basing their outfit a little on crusader armor. mostly the cloth in the fron #i dont think id last 10 minutes playing cotl. partly because i suck at strategy games and not hugely drawn to roguelike games #and partly because i think i would cry real tears if i had to sacrifice someone despite fully knowing theyre nonsentient npc characters #i must admit i think the world and gameplay mechanics are interesting.. havent watched any playthroughs but ive been skimming thru the #wiki pages. kindareminds me of binding of Isaac but i dont have the patience for those kinds of games sadly #also apparently u guys are getting a sex update so i feel like ill be in full blast of whatever comes out of that #i might draw god of death lamb because i kind of have an idea of what their horns would look like. but im gonna hate drawing an outfit ugh #noooo dont usurp god and reap destruction for generations to come youre so sexy haha #cotl #cult of the lamb #cotl lamb #cotl lambert #cotl fanart #my art #myart #videos #speeddraw #progress art

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gingermintpepper · 2 months

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Obsessed with the way Evadne's relationship with Apollo is described. Obsessed with the way Apollo was especially gentle with her because she was sheltered, hidden away and hadn't had any sort of experience with love prior to Apollo (and due to it being described as her 'first learning Aphrodite's joy' through Apollo', it was probably her first time even being attracted to someone). Obsessed with the way when she runs away, she stops in a violet patch to give birth. Y'know, violets, very famously the flower so strongly associated with Aphrodite that they were used in love potions? Those violets. Obsessed with the way that when Apollo realised his lover was going to have to deliver their child alone, he sent BOTH the goddess of childbirth and ALL THREE OF THE FATES to help and support her. Obsessed with the way that Apollo sends snakes to feed his baby honey straight from their fangs because Evadne abandons their son out of straight primal fear when her stepfather finds her and how the description of that honey is 'sweet venom' [ἰός] of the bees and is DEFINITELY a poetic pair/pun with [ἴον] aka violets and that every single thing about this relationship, conception and birth is a complete and utter fairytale down to Evadne's insanely overprotective stepfather having an immediate change of heart when he learned Evadne's child was an actual, legitimate Son of Apollo and the babe, after being cared for by his dad's honey-fanged snake buddies, was found perfectly healthy five days later swaddled in a blanket of violets (y'know the flowers so strongly associated with Aphrodite that they were used for lo-) and they called him Iamus aka Boy of the Violets which is AAAAAARRRR I AM GNAWING AT MY ENCLOSURE

Iamus was made of love. Everything about him was surrounded by deep and profound love and like, let's not even talk about his whole Thing of when he came of age and was like "I need to find out what my purpose is" and he literally had a Disney Protagonist moment where he ran out into the wilds and was like "Father!! Grandfather!! Tell me what I'm supposed to doooo!!" and then APOLLO FUCKING ANSWERED AND LED HIM TO ONE HIS TEMPLES ENTIRELY BY TALKING WITH IAMUS AND LETTING HIM FOLLOW HIS VOICE FOR THE WHOLE JOURNEY LIKE -

What do y'all know about the kind of SSS tier romantic escapades Apollo had fr?

#ginger rambles #NO BECAUSE WHAT DO Y'ALL KNOW ABOUT APOLLO AND EVADNE FR #They're a MAD underrated couple and their story is what everyone wishes Hades/Persephone was #Evadne actually WAS sheltered and overprotected because she was a daughter of Poseidon explicitly given to Aepytus to watch over #And Aepytus to his credit wasn't actually a bad man or anything he just took his job very very seriously #Super pious guy - even though he was positively incandescent when he found out Evadne was pregnant he didn't hit her or anything #He just was like “Get me my HORSE I am going to consult the GODS about my DAUGHTER'S HARLOTRY”#Evadne was fucking terrified of him though she hid that pregnancy like her life depended on it #And the minute she heard horse hooves even though she had just finished giving birth she dropped Iamus like he was molten and fucking ran #I could only imagine Aepytus having set up a baby shower or something cause he was overjoyed by the oracle and Evadne gets home thinking #she's going to get Dungeon'd only for Aepytus to hug her and be like “You should've told me you were seeing Apollo sob emoji sob emoji”#God I'm sure Evadne had a bunch of trauma to work through with her stepfather changing his whole entire attitude on a complete #Apollo doesn't directly interfere with their lives after Iamus is born up until Iamus comes looking for him but he was definitely keeping #a very close eye on them all through their lives #Ugh I'm sick I'm so sick in the head thinking about them #apollo #evadne #iamus #greek mythology #ginger chats about greek myths

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m00nbuggies · 2 days

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had a moment of weakness and drew them last night. ugh. stupid dumb idiots

#art #meg mccaffrey #her name looks so silly lower case im so sorry #lester papadopoulos #shout out to trials of apollo you changed my life #toa fanart #trials of apollo #toa #i have not posted about them anywhere but. they are in my brain. ugh. ugh.#if they were bugs i would put them in a jar and observe them #he's only getting tagged as lester bc thats what he deserves #sketch #lester complains but he doesnt mind.#sighs #the siblings ever

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nakunatta-fujihana · 6 months

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Movie date and got proposed to today 💕

#we watched one of those historical films #azul chose it this time because i wanted to learn more about what life looks like in his home #so he chose a biopic of the sea witch #i also told azul about these huge candy rings from back home #and he went through all the trouble of actually trying to find one for me #and jokingly proposed??#ugh i love my boyfriend #yuu posts #rp blog #twisted wonderland #yuu fujisaki #twst #twst oc #azul ashengrotto #azul-kun

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sapphoscompanion · 1 year

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Sorry but confessing to the girl you like by saying

"And I have feelings for you. I have every feeling for you. And my... my biggest fear is that if we tried this, if we actually went for it, that... I might lose the most incredible friendship I have."

And

"I feel like... I feel like I don't deserve to be as happy as you make me. You are the scariest, most beautiful person I've ever met."

And then following it up with

"Should we just, like, I don't know, like, stay friends?"

is the most sapphic thing I've ever witnessed.