#unironically i think he would have a live laugh love thing in his house bc he would've gotten it as a joke and kept it

[locria-writes]

hi, welcome to my ted talk where i gush about my good and unproblematic children who accidentally help set in motion everything bad that happened leading up to the personal writing catastrophe that i've yet to name :D also not this soft enemies-to-friends-to-lovers arc

lan xiaoyun (兰霄云) aka local friendly nihilist aka friendly neighbourhood miser

24, single, very much ready to not mingle

thinks she's in a psychological military horror-drama (she's half-wrong)

only became a sergeant major in the earth coalition military bc there were too many ppl dead and they needed to fill in ranks. resigned the first chance they accepted lol

should probably see a therapist and stop seeing alcohol and sleeping pills as her best friends

needs to get a hobby

absurdly high standards for beauty/handsomeness

would be on an episode of extreme couponing ngl

natural-born bully, actively tries to not bully but can't help herself. doesn't help that she's just a naturally blunt person, but she does have a filter

aspires to be in a permanent head-empty state, does not like thinking, but works a cognitive-intense job and is renowned for her ability to pull absurdly long hours with minimal sleep

hates sweet food, prefers spicy and sour

may or may not have a slight brocon but it's okay he's dead lol

is 157cm, therefore radiates the same energy as a feral chihuahua

is ambivalent and not averse to sex and kissing on the first date, or even just hookups

watched her 3 previous bfs die brutal deaths (#1 in an exploding ship, #2 had his face smashed in, #3 vapourized), so she's kinda convinced anyone she dates is gonna die brutally and it's her fault

florentius asturias aka overgrown puppy when in love aka wholesome lad

30, single, very much ready to mingle if it's xiaoyun

thinks he's in a family friendly romcom (he's half-right)

prodigal venator pilot, equally prodigal commander, a marshal in concordia and basically one of their living legends

25% kind and altruistic, 25% honest and forthcoming, 25% patient, 10% calculating, 5% pragmatic, 5% charming, 5% clumsy = 100% endearing

has good taste, but always picks the worst people for his current state aka he chased upward when he was down and is now chasing down when he's up

also really needs to get a hobby

had two messy breakups in the past (#1 broke up to marry someone richer, #2 was just a mess with infidelity), but is surprisingly still an optimistic romantic

known to be stoic and aloof to his subordinates and colleagues, but is actually a big softie on the inside and is very emotive

a true gentleman, chugs his respect women juice and has indeed killed people who don't

extremely competent at his job, but is actually kinda useless otherwise; man can't cook, can't decorate for shit, has no hobbies, but since he's 190cm, can be used as a very pretty and motivational ladder

currently being exiled to bad baby jail (less lucrative post) by his superior bc he's not married and initially had no intentions of getting hitched

unabashedly a sweet tooth, has never hid it, will never hide it, and shouts it proudly from the rooftops

does not believe in sex on the first date, or even kissing on the first date, does not believe in hookups (for himself) either

is convinced this relationship will work out since she hasn't managed to kill him the previous 48 times she tried

[batarangsoundsdumb]

guess fucking what? my inbox is so fucking full right now i'm unloading all of this shit in one post.

For the 11th gotham memes: gothamites react to bruce being jacked in a tiktok he made with kids, like super yoked, ripped as hell

fucking hilarious thanks. i think i did it in one meme post, but i genuinely don't remember which one

i dunno which of the batfam would do this but one time i was sleeping over at a friends house and ended up on the floor bc the bed was so very small and i just stayed there because the rug was soft

that's a drunk jason move i don't know what to tell you

tim and jason are "i listen to pop punk" solidarity. whenever jason highjacks the batmobile theyll go on long ass car rides blaring mcr and paramore and then never talk about it again

as they should!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tim: no jason it's my turn using the aux cord i gotta put on my jams jason: don't you dare put on weird shit tim: don't worry, you're gonna love this *plays fearless (taylor's version)

hear me out hear me out, red hood stans 🤝 nightwing stans t h i g h s

holy shit yes.

SNL au: Bruce breaks character when pretending to superman and says something like "I'm not superman! You've seen his gps!! It's from 2001!!!" @sabeanybabe

superman flies past the snl building the next day just to say 'actually it's from 2005, i'm not a heathen'

does your back hurt from carrying the batfam fandom

it hurts more from the exotic rock collection i keep in my backpack, but thanks for the concern.

I love your posts by why would you always leave the best parts in the tags?

as a treat for the people that check the tags ;) (and also because i'm committed to the short post aesthetic)

somehow your playlist was everything i never knew i needed. i mean it. this is my new favorite playlist.

and don't you dare get a new favourite playlist!

babe ur stoner tim playlist is exactly too perfect, earth is literally blessed by ur existence

babe thanks so much! i love my stoner tim playlist because it's just my usual playlist but people think it's an artistic choice that i put taylor swift and britney spears in there, when it's just what i unironically like listening to

JANDKSKDK BILLY RAY CYRUS ON THE STONER TIM PLAYLIST I LOVE IT IT

again it's not even an ironic choice, i know every single word and i genuinely like the song

The last chapter of Fundamentals of Casework has me crying at work. Thanks I love it @dudelookitsalesbian

oh babe, i'm sorry, but also, not sorry i love chapter 4 so much it's my lovechild with the 'mental illness' tag

soooo....stumbled on your tumblr by some stroke of fate??? read your DC fanfic first. which is PHENOMENAL btw. then found all the batmemes; the funniest thing EVER bc everyone forgets about regular old gothamites. kept scrolling and your blog pops up as recommended. clicked on the ao3 for shits and giggles and waddaya know?!?!? it's YOU!!! you're LEGEND!!!! ever seen that meme? it's a video of a cat that got into a baseball field and the two announcers get really invested in his escape attempt and start giving a play by play of the cat instead of the game. memeable moment: "GREAT stuff from the Cat!!!"

i seriously think about this ask every single day and it's so fucking funny to me that i've never seen the meme you're referencing, but i still find myself going 'GREAT stuff from the Cat!!!' whenever i see something funny. but wow i'm glad you liked this steaming pile of garbage

Fav dc character overall? And fav batfamily character?

don't ask me to pick between the loves of my life, but i can tell you i've cried about every single batfamily member and also wally west (my beloved)

What's your opinion on fans having a problem with batfam being "too big"? And some even claim that batfam is just "Bruce Alfred Dick Damian" and the rest of them are just "friends and allies" (source: reddit) Personally, I like batfam because of this reason but idk

stupid. a family can never be too big. i'm not that big a fan of like huge batfam stuff with everybody from every single universe, because as much as it's funny for bruce to have like 30 kids, it just feels a little too OOC for me.

This is the best tag I've seen involving the batfam, thanks for thinking of it

This is canon now @nctxrejects

lmao yeah i think at that point alfred has had to sit through like at least a dozen coming out talks and just has a pride flag collection in the attic that he pulls out whenever a kid comes out

idk why batfam hits different as compared to any other superhero family

bc it's found family and usually the other superhero families are almost all genetically related in one way or another

I don't know if you watch the umbrella academy but I saw your last post about batcest and saw the similarities. But the thing is (although I think it's weird) in TUA, they addressed it by saying "they were raised as weapons, not siblings" or something along those lines, which is simply not the case with batfam.

yeah i watched tua but i also thought it was ridiculous and they still treated each other as siblings so i didn't like the luthor/allison thing, and am glad they stopped doing that shit bc it fucking sucked.

Hot take: Batcest shippers are the same people who believe adopted siblings are not actual siblings

smoking hot take: batcest shippers are the people who watch 'my sister got stuck in the washing machine' porn

Duke was adopted by Bruce?

not technically no, but do i, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb, look like i care?

True story but I had to change my freaking name because it used to be "Damien" and most people would go "OH LIKE DAMIAN WAYNE" like please I'm just tryna live

true story, but i don't actually think of damian when i hear the name damian, literally the first thing that pops up is damian darkh like bruh what?

apparently dc comics company supported comic stores by giving out new titles and stuff during the beginning of the pandemic to help them run and I just think that's wholesome

ah yeah that's so fucking cool, still don't like dc, the company, because this world is a capitalist hellhole and we're all owned by warner brothers or disney with no in between.

ayo looking at tumblr head canons and finding out bruce is actually a terrible father is a punch in the gut

lmao yes, in like 50% of comics bruce is a terrible father and it gives me whiplash

oooh I just saw the jason todd vs winter soldier post and the real question is: batman vs iron man

while iron man has like hundreds of cases of armor, batman could throw out an emp and have the guy dropping out of the sky in 2 seconds.

dickfast = fastdick = quickdick = quickie

magnum hot take

hey bata(?) just thought I'd let you know I have copied the obnoxious emoji and Billy Ray post for use on simping men going forth

thank you 😘🌷 (@spacebarsidecar)

why would you do that to your followers???? i get why i did it, but why would you???

what is scarecrow made the nightwing funko pop himself, like those diy-ers that paint over other ones

oh god no, horrible take, horrible take, that's a disgusting thought oh no

I see your HC that Bruce and Oliver fucked and raise you this: Dick and Roy ALSO fucked

yes they did and it was a horrible moment for jason to find out dick has fucked both of his best friends

"at this rate bruce adds like 1 child to his family every decade or so" Duke is introduced in 2013, Damian as Damian, not as an unnamed child, in 2006. And he is already 14 years old, Robins rarely remain Robins after 16 😬 It looks like a new Robin and Batkid will appear in a couple of years

i mean i can't wait? but somebody will probably die first tho, we're due for another major character death. my money's on either cass or duke this time.

BRO you're so right all of your Bruce's ex headcanons are amazing but they aren't ships, that's kinda wild. Like I don't want any peeks into how their relationship was I just want to see everyone make fun of them

lmao YES it's just i love bruce being a slut, like good for him.

I am in love with your posts your honour thank you

omg thanks are we like,, gonna kiss now?

The justice league needs to have a meeting to discuss how many of their members/partners have slept with bruce. Because through a combination of cannon & fannon (if DC wasn’t homophobic) we have AT LEAST: 1) clark 2) lois 3) oliver 4) dinah 5) john

Thats not counting villains or random civilians @dudelookitsalesbian

yes yes yes, they'll have a yearly meeting about how many of their collective exes could be out for revenge and batman's list just keeps getting longer.

tim was like "i'm drake now" and everyone was like ahh so your fursona is a dragon and tim was like pffffft no. ducks.

and what about it?

when steph's fighting livewire and she zaps her with lighting and nothing happens and then they both just. stand there awkwardly for a second and talk. yeah i couldn't stop laughing at that batgirl steph is the BEST

oh yeah that was fucking hilarious and i think it would be so cool and sexy of dc to give steph a little comic series,,, as a treat

Hi I absolutely adore all of yours "Bruce and Oliver very badly pretending they didn't fuck each other" memes

lmao i do too

I need you to know that “Bruce Wayne had frosted tips” is one of my favorite Bruce takes of all time it’s so galaxy brained. you’re right and you should say it

he also painted his hair blonde once when he was travelling and in conclusion, this is why he's being blackmailed by the gotham gazette.

you know my thing about gordon being branded as the only good cop in gotham is its a load of shit like arguably he's a good person and not working to screw people over or anything but the fact that he also works w. batman makes him a shit cop. like yea batman is better than the mob but its still illegal its still an abuse of power he just not making bank

babe, all cops are bad cops. (but yeah youre absolutely right, working with vigilantes makes you a shit cop, but also working against vigilantes just makes you an asshole cop yanno?)

ruh roh i think i’m about to add “so not yeehaw” every time i don’t like something

that's a very good vocabulary upgrade

somehow i feel like steph already knew. like babs obviously knew but i feel like bruce got high/drunk in front of steph and started telling his boarding school stories and steph was just like “oh you fucked up i’m never gonna forget this”

steph and bruce have weird uncle/rebellious niece dynamic and they just hang out sometimes and bruce will be like 'i once broke my arm when i tripped over a hedge when i was drunk so oliver drove me to the hospital on an electric scooter' and steph will just have to sit there with that knowledge in her head.

Hello I just wanted to tell you you are So right in all your steph opinions bc she is, in fact amazing and I think that's very sexy of you. Ps. Your Bruce/Oliver fic is hilarious

babe, thank you so much and yes steph is amazing and i love her and she deserves the world and she's the best member of the batfam hands down. also thanks

In Supersons we see a couple of kids that are implied to be Damian and Jon's children and the boy has laser eyes and can fly, so I asume he's not adopted. The girl, who calls Bruce grandpa, can also fly, btw. So it's canon (probably by accident) that Jon can have kids and he must have married one of Bruce's kids. (I'm hoping for Damian, mostly because any other of his children would be waaaaaaaaaaaaay too old.) @artemisa97

lmao that was probably an accident seeing as jon is a 17 year old superhero in the year 3000 (by the jonas brothers)

You know, I'm a die hard fan of your memes, but I gotta say one thing: if Gothamites actually took gas mask everywhere with them, then the Scarecrow would just be a weird dude in a weird costume, and not a villain oh so scary. DC really should just takes notes from you.

bold of you to assume there's no gothamite anti-maskers

How does it feel being the funniest person on this app?

horrible, next question.

I can't listen to Green Day or Billy Joel without thinking of your post about how Bruce got arrested at a Billy Joel concert @nightwings-kid

yeah that's your mistake, i on the other hand can't enjoy billy joel without thinking about the glee rendition of 'uptown girl'

I've FINALLY been watching the Batman animated series and I gotta say, after watching "the gray ghost" I am CONVINCED that Batman is a closeted super hero geek who was 100% freaking out the first time he met Superman and is just REALLY good at hiding it.

superman: so what do you do in your free time? batman, thinking about the superman fanfiction he's writing on the batcomputer: i have no free time

bruce and oliver be like boyfriends to co-workers 401k (do the justice leagues get 401ks??? not that bruce and ollie would need them, but-)

lmao yes just 400 thousand words of bruce realising 'oh dip oliver is such a fucking dumbass' (also i don't know what a 401 k is but i assume they don't?)

Gothamites would totally boo superman as he saves Gotham while batman is out. @meenje

he's like 'okay think about that next time you want to be saved from an alien octopus'

I just took long break from dc comics and I come back to see ric grayson ??

i think it's very cool and sexy of dc to see dick and just think 'you know what? let's just give him a traumatic brain injury' and then didn't develop his character in any real way

SPEAKING OF RIC GRAYSON, gothamites making confused memes out of ric grayson is much needed

'dick grayson is my taxi driver? can anyone explain what the fuck happened he looks like an italian plumber?'

i hate to say it but batfam are def "marvel characters" in that sense they are characters who are human but become superheroes unlike most dc characters who are gods trying to be human maybe this is why I like batfam

fair enough

[flusteredmountainman]

Since a bitch got sent one (1) ask only about. my ask meme that I created lol I’m going to go through and answer B) all of them bc i can... its selfcare.....

First 3 answers above the cut, other 47 below lmfao

Favourite of the main 6? I think the title of my blog speaks for itself lol

Least favourite of the main 6? Garbage stink piss man (Lucio)

Which of the main 6 do you want to slap the most? The aforementioned piss man but.... also kjaenfjkfea at times. Julian very badly because he’s just Like that but he’d probably enjoy that unfortunately

^

^

^

Which of the main 6 have the most similar interests to you? (favourite colour, flower, food, drink, season, hobbies etc.) Portia tbh!!! She’s a very sweet spring girl and I also have a fairly similar personality to her. 

Who has the most tragic backstory? Mmmm.....muriel.......... I mean everyone has a pretty sad past but Muriel’s really is something else. The man is Heavily traumatised and I desperately want to give him a hug :(

Favourite side character? Mazelinka.... adopt me challenge kjaefkjnaf. i cant stop thinking about “goat bitch” what a fucking icon

Favourite animal friend?  Faust!!!! shes a good girl!!!

Best/worst of the courtiers? fuck i dont remember any of their names but valerius is. hot basard. worst is vlastomil hands down im kinkshaming anyone who wants to fuck the worm

Fuck, marry, kill (asker’s choice) Well skajfnkajf I’ve shot myself in the foot but. TBH its like. Marry Muriel, fuck everyone else, kill Lucio (full disclosure I only just finished julians upright ending and haven’t played Nadia’s yet so this may change except for wanting to marry Muriel and kill Lucio lol)

Romance or fluff? (Muriel) Fluff!!!!! Muriel deserves all the affection in the whole wide world. He gets sick? Bundle him up in furs by the fire and cuddle up into him with a good book. You look at him once? he blushes. it really doesnt get fluffier than that ++ a lot of his character arc in general is going to be.... letting himself trust you............. which is. so fucking wholesome

Wild night out or quiet night in? ( Muriel ) Quiet night in lmfao. We’d just hang out inside drinking hot chocolate and talking until we fell asleep propped up against the wall in his tiny house having completely lost track of time. 

Adventure or domesticity? ( Muriel ) I wanna say adventure because. I love travelling! I love going out and trying new things! And Muriel very does Not but I feel like getting him out of his comfort zone would do him some good! Starting small would probably be best, like maybe a tramp or going camping once in a while, then building up to bigger trips to other cities once you’ve convinced him you’ll both be ok as long as you’re prepared.

Cute date to the aquarium/zoo/park or elegant dinner date? ( Muriel ) I already answered this one B) I said: “ Definitely somewhere casual!!! I feel like he’d be most at ease somewhere like the park on a sunny day! Pick a nice grassy spot by a creek and bring a basket and have a really nice, chill picnic, and have a nap together in the early afternoon sun. Go for a walk after and talk about Plants (because i. am a biology student lol)  and generally just have a really relaxing time. Give the man a flower? Tuck it behind his ear? and he’d die kjnaefjnaej. Alternatively….. aquarium………. “

Coffeshop AU, high-school/college AU or modern AU? Give a headcanon about the one you chose jnakfjkjaf coffe shop AUs are so cliched but I actually love them for the settings of meetcutes. You meet Muriel when he’s on his rounds as a part time dog walker around the block and you barrel straight into him coming out of the shop when you’re checking an email, spilling the (now cold) remnants of your beverage all over him. You apologise profusely and he shrugs it off, blushing over your fussing and awkwardly tries to excuse himself. You insist on helping him finish his walk with All these dogs, anyway, you like dogs so it’s no trouble, and he begrudgingly agrees to finish the interaction sooner. You end up having a nice chat with him and notice in the weeks after that he starts coming by the shop without the dogs during the times you’re usually around, even though he doesn’t drink coffee. Your conversations with him during these short interludes quickly become the highlight of your day, and you start to suspect, eventually, that he feels the same :)

If (Muriel) turned up on your doorstep at midnight covered in blood, how would you react? Well I’d clean it off.... of .......course............. 👀👀👀

You’re stranded on a desert island; which 2 of the main 6 do you want with you? Muriel of course not only because I adore him but he’s. also a mountain man. Handy. And Asra because hes a good good magic boy and can make sand into water so.... handy. also asra is just an incredibly blessed person so kajefnkjaef

If your apprentice could go back in time and change one thing before the events of the game, what would it be? lucios birth :^)

You’re sick; who do you want to take care of you and why? I think I’m becoming predictable but. Muriel kjaefnkjafnjf you took such good care of him so it’s only fair that he should return the favour. He’s got a surprisingly good bedside manner and is generally just very gentle. Cooks eggs and grumbles that you should be taking better care of yourself but when you say thanks for all his help he blushes and kinda. stands up slightly straighter bc hes secretly happy he can Help

If you were trapped in an elevator with one character for 8 hours, who would you want it to be and why? Jojaefafjoafe ok so. Porbably Portia because she seems 1. one of the least likely to panic and 2. Would have fucking great conversation the whole time. 

Give a headcanon about Nadia She loves romcoms!!!! She would never ever admit it to anyone though, but she’s a huge sucker for romance stories in general. Cries at the end of mamma mia. Uses it as an excuse to snuggle all the way into your shoulder.

Give a headcanon about Asra He’s extremely lactose intolerant but he eats it anyway bc hes Chaotic and gives 0 fucks about how bad his guts feel afterwards, the cheese was Worth it dammit (and I say this bc thats also me kjaenfnef)

Give a headcanon about Julian Had a brief stint in his teen years where he unironically identified as sapiosexual

Give a headcanon about Portia She loves playing with hair/having her hair played with! Catch her falling asleep with her head in your lap as you weave your fingers through her hair.

Give a headcanon about Muriel I also already answered this one!:  “ He’d be really into gardening if he knew how! Catch me digging up all the dirt around his house and planting herbs, flowers (*cough* forgetmenots *cough) and other medicinal plants, and some strawberries for when spring comes! “

Give a headcanon about Lucio Unironically identifies as sapiosexual now even though he’s a huge dumbass himself 

Give a headcanon about a side character/the apprentice (asker’s choice) Nadia’s dad gets pegged

Give a popular opinion that you disagree with People calling Muriel a dom. have you. looked at this man. I have to laugh

Give an unpopular opinion Lucio sucks lol

Tarot or zodiac? Zodiac!!! Mostly bc I know exactly 0 things about tarot, I appreciate the aesthetic tho!

What is your patron major arcana? Oh worm I just looked at all the explanations in the wiki and tbh. The empress uh. dragged me with how much I ID with that (both reversed and upright) so akejfkjfae thats mine

Upright or reversed ending? Upright

Ot3? Me x muriel x asra (muriel has 2 hands and 2 tiny partners)

Brotp? jakjefnkanfe i love. portia and julians sibling banter. the good shit

Favourite non-apprentice-based ship? asriel............................. till i die............. (pordia is also fucking god tier)

Is the apprentice you, or your OC? thats just me bich kajefnkjnafe we living our best self indulgent lives 

Tell me about your Apprentice(s) im a big bi mess and i would die for muriel and thats it really

Favourite piece of worldbuilding lore? already answered: “ I really love how much of a shithole Vesuvia is kjbanefknaefk like. No formal process of trial/law? Public executions just being how people Do things? someone fucking help this city lmfao”

Favourite background/location? ok i really love nopal bc of all the cacti but tbh like. really anywhere theres a lot of cool nature? the forest is fucking good

The Forest or Nopal? bring the cacti from nopal to muriel’s hut in the forest and it’s perfect

The Palace or the shop? thheeee shop. i like the palace but i think id get Overwhelmed not being able to just. be in my own space a lot lol

The Rowdy raven or the library? the library with a healthy amount of alcohol lol. 

Favourite sprite?

43. Favourite character design?  I !!!!!!!!! really. love Asra’s design bc of its howl callback but all the designs r fucking cool 44. Best masquerade outfit?    Nadia’s..... glamorous..... 45. Best scene? Muriel. hugging. faust you and asra. hes so fucking wholesome ill cry...... or just straight up both of his books akjenfkjafn 46. Worst Scene? Honestly any containing lucio 47. Favourite song on the soundtrack? I love Crowd hammer! (predictable) but also memory 48. Best tale/bonus content? I dont remember names im terrible but i/ love the muriel one ofc kjneafkjn 49. Best CG?/ 50. Favourite memory?

[problematicc-favs]

memey au jared kleinman x reader; headcannons

THESE HEADCANNONS ARE BASED ON THE MEME SOULMATE AU, WHICH IS AN AU WHERE YOUR SOULMATES FAV MEME IS TATTOOD ON YOU FOREARM,,, BUT HERES THE C A T C H JARED AND READER ARE BOTH EXTREMY MEMeY PEOPLE SO THEY HAVE MULTIPLE MEMES ON THEIR ARMS K COOL

Written @ Writers Wednesday, special thanks to;

Flower Anon

cryptid

@i-just-love-writing-crap

@faist-me-bitch 

@flowreatr

cronch

@arsonboirich

@radicallyred

@spicy-nug-boi

OKAY SO

-Everyone is born with their soulmates favorite meme on their forearm

-Its always like a very specific meme so like if your soulmate saw it they would be like ‘oh shit thats me’

-You, however, were born with a shit ton of memes

-Like, all of them

-Ones from like the MEDIEVAL times of memes yo and also brand new ones and its kind of sick??

-sick as in cool or sick as in gross only you can decide

-you frequently wake up with a new meme on your arm whenever a new one becomes popular

 -sometimes you have to go on knowyourmeme.com to figure out what the fuck is on your body

-every day you look at your arm and cupcakke lyrics are there 

-its hell

-”ms. (Y/N) why is there the words ‘hump me fuck-’”

 “doN’T WORRY ABOUT IT”

-You probably got teased as a child tbh because of it

-But like its fine bc you also really enjoyed a shit ton of memes

- sometimes you gotta wear long sleeves to school/work because of inappropriate memes

-you’re the only person you’ve ever met with like,, more than one meme so you can’t tell if you’re special or if you’ve been cursed

-it’s totally a curse

- like 100/10 total curse and you weren't sure if you liked it or not

-One day you like went to the coffee shop or some shit and saw someone else with a shit ton of memes on their arm and you're like 

‘should I say something? fuck,’ 

-And like just give in and go introduce yourself

-Both of you are hella stupid and don't realize you're each others soulmate, you just think you both have soulmates who love memes

-he says his name is Jared and he like buys you coffee or some shit

-you guys probably figured out you were soulmates after like a couple times of hanging out after really taking a hard look at each other's memes in like a dick measuring “my soulmates memes are better than yours” thing

-and then something catches your eyes

-you’re like

‘wait that looks like that meme I made in my freshman year’

-Oh.

-OHHH.

-you saw the emoji movie as your first ‘official’ date don't @ me

-he’s so stupidly proud that he has so many favorite memes

-like seriously

-”god damn i have good taste. You’re lucky, you could’ve been stuck with the ‘i has cheeseburger cat’”

-Robbie Rotten was on your arm for a whole year

-im so glad he beat cancer so much respect dude

- You guys probably fight over what meme is the best

-people have probably asked if you guys are okay tbh

-the answer is no

- like it's love at first meme with him once you realize you’re soulmates, no joke

- you two immediately could go on and on about all the memey shit you can do later on

-after sex Jared definitely says ”you know I had to do it to em" and dabs

- you push him off the bed at some point after sex 

“goddammit Jared ONE time I ask for no memes after sex”

-hearing the words “gotta go fast” during sex

-when he comes he says ‘here comes dat boi’

-or “GOTTA BLAST”

-you finishing fucking and he says in the owen wilson voice “waow”

-woah boys thats an inside joke

-he sings dat boi so much it’s a sin

- hardcore sinning. every damn day

-he’s probably sung it in sleep before let's be honest

- and you've still pushed him out of bed

-wanna know what else he's sung in his sleep ?

- deepthroat

-its your fav song though so its fine its chill

-actually, your favourite song fluctuates from deepthroat to my neck my back

-that topic has been the subject of many heated debates

-When you are having a bad day he will sing it like ‘my neck, my back, my anxiety attack’ and it makes you laugh

-once when you were having an intense panic attack and he found you he started to try and comfort you and you gasped out ‘zoinks this situation is getting out of hand we better call the scooby crew’

-you think that might be when he really fell for you

-at some point your forearm gets so crowded that the memes start to spread up to your bicep and then your shoulder

-at some point you probably find a meme like on ya titty area and Jared is like super into it somehow

-jared has a meme kink

- ‘talk memey to me bb’

-anytime you walk in the room he goes, “o shit my honey waddup my baby here  come dat ragtime gaaaal” with the stupidest shit eating grin

-you love it tho

-it makes you smile every time

- ’call me pepe in bed it turns me on’

- ’please off yourself’

- ’please get me off’

- ‘thats what i loveeee…. Nestle CRONCH’

-he definitely owns a fedora

-he tips it at you regularly

- ‘m’lady’

-he’s only worn it into public once (for a dare)

-mothafuckin bathbombs

-jared definitely fucked a bath bomb

-kInKY

-a note from mom: HOW THE F U C K DO YOU FUCK A BATH BOMB

-hE ONce made you wear a blindfold with emojis printed on it because he’s like that into the emoji movie

-once for your birthday he took pictures of you two together and made them into a mlg parody

-he’s also unironically played minecraft

-i love that this has turned into “jared is a meme”

-You go to a doctor and it turns out having this many memes can actually negatively effect your actions and sanity so you literally have a condition because of this dorks love of memes and he has it too

-at that point everything  is covered in memes but your face and hands

- sometimes you question if it's worth the memes

-(that's what you say but on the inside you love your memey boyfriend way more than the memes themselves)

-but you love him no matter how much he gots on your nerves and you could never live without him

- by the time yall are 80 you're  still memey as hell

-s{hr}ex is love s{hr}ex is life

-jared has an emoji kink

-*slides up next to you at lunch* ya like jazz

-jared has definitely jerked off to barry bee benson from the bee movie

-he calls sex funkytown

-i.e; let's take a trip to funkytown ;) xD

-he calls pepe daddy

-Likes to say he is “winning”

-He once started a sexting sesh with sending that fucking Rawr xD post

-you know the fucking one

-once you came into his house without knocking and he yelled  “DONKEY!!1!1!! GET OUTTA MY SWAMP!!11!1111!!!!”

-when you're mad you blast it's hip to fuck BEES throughout the entire house with Bluetooth speakers

-he actually likes jake from state farm

-compares evan to jake from state farm bc khakis

-if you guys ever have kids he will genuinely want to name them fergus and felicia after shrek’s kids

-literally you have a fight about how it’s not okay

-and he wants your first born kid to be born on 9/11

-names your daughter felicia just so he can say “bye felicia”

-catches kids having sex at home?

SEX? IN MY HOUSE? ITS MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK

-does not eat vegetals

-zoinks scoobs

-IT FROM JApAN

-crossiant

-THE GRIM REAPER DOESNT HAVE FEET AND HES UPSET ABOUT IT OK???????????????

-drinks water out of a bleach container to freak you out

-he only wears boots too big for he got dam feet

bonus-theres a snake in his boot

-basically, in fuckin summary, jared kleinman memes to the xtremes -and you love eachother -you think,, most of the time