#usually sacrificing quality on my assignments

[kittykatinabag]

Me waiting for my university to give me the voucher code for the off campus therapy they're partnered with so I can finally get mental healthcare for free for the first time in my life.

[lucky-clover-gazette]

How do you think Volo would interact with the FSA boys?

oh YAY thank you for this ask >:)

i'm going to mostly answer this with both the manga characterizations and my personal characterizations in fics (in my fics they're adults, not related or clones, shadow and vio are characterized how i like them, etc.)

i'll do the easy ones first. i think in general, volo would dislike the four links on principle for being the goddess's chosen heroes. obviously. either volo is jealous, or just overall resentful and uncomfortable with the entire situation post-game.

he would almost certainly keep up the fake merchant act with green, blue, red, and zelda. privately, hero stuff aside, he would have a neutral tolerance for them, kind of how i imagine he feels about most of the people in hisui. not particularly interested or attached, and oftentimes annoyed, but mostly just not paying them much mind at all. he's got more important things to think about.

conceptually, i think that volo would vibe with manga shadow's entire premise. he would relate to shadow in his dealings with vaati and ganon (giratina), but he would disagree with shadow sacrificing himself to save the heroes. volo would have tried to dethrone ganon in shadow's position, not destroy him, and he wouldn't have cared about helping the other links or princess.

i don't think volo would have any strong feelings about the shadow i write in my fic. my shadow doesn't actually have a very big ego or god complex or anything, he's usually characterized as desiring attention and belonging more than any kind of power. the subversion of his dynamic with vio, in my writing especially, is that shadow is a pretty chill guy with conventional moral values, and vio is... vio. if shadow was to be assigned a role in a story based on who he is alone, he would be the hero, not the villain. a strange and theatrical hero, but a hero all the same.

volo is strange and theatrical too, and i do think a core aspect of his character is his desire for attention and belonging. however, he wants to acquire those things in a very different way from the shadow i write, and he does not possess conventionally heroic qualities at all. so much of the volo we see in the game is an intentional deception, which means we don't actually know a lot for sure about his true self. however, based on his mask-off moments and the way he went about his plan and constructing his fake persona, i don't think "fixing" him as a villain would work in the same way as "fixing" shadow typically does/did in the manga and my fics.

volo would fucking despise manga vio. specifically, he would hate the fact that vio does ultimately attempt to break the mirror and abandon shadow, and that he (and the others, but specifically vio) reform link at the end. a couple reasons for his hatred of the character:

he'd really like vio from the forest scene to the confrontation at the volcano. he'd probably be like "holy shit this is the realest bitch i've ever read, fuck being a hero, let this theatrical nerd go apeshit with the evil demon"

but then he'd basically flip his perspective when vio fakes killing green and continues to lie to shadow. volo says in the game that he resents the way the world is unfair and causes pain--i think it's safe to assume that some part of that is due to the way other people have treated him in the past. i can definitely see volo relating to shadow's attachment and trust of vio, and the sort of high he got from having vio on his team. the devotion of it all. so to see this heroic character balance his conflicted interests and ultimately choose his destined responsibilities over the stuff he'd gotten up to with shadow, would piss volo off. after all, volo is the guy who got so engrossed in his unique hyperfixation, and doing it in his own way, that he chose to work retail part-time instead of joining the survey corps under people who thought they knew better. the man genuinely believed that he could do a better job being god, than god itself. he'd see the way manga vio enjoyed being around shadow, and doing non-heroic shit, and then the way vio eventually kinda just gave up and lost that part of himself, and hate it.

volo would feel less hatred, but not much else, about most of my fanfic vios. especially in the fics that are mostly just ab ship stuff with shadow, i don't think he'd give a shit. i don't really see volo as a person who thinks often about romance, given the fact that his only real friend is a sentient egg. he would hate my vios less, because i don't think i have written a single fic in which vio ended up exactly how he did in the manga, but he'd still kind of just be like whatever about him.

corruption but it's unchill au vio could probably give volo an existential crisis. that vio has crazy beef with god, but his solution isn't to defeat and subjugate god and then become god himself--instead, he and his friends tell god that her creations could do better, and then use the power she gave them to banish her from the realm entirely.

i don't think volo ever considered that an option during his storyline, because he was so convinced that the world wasn't worth saving, and he had no one truly on his side. like, it must have been so deeply isolating for him, to share his true self with no other human beings at all. vio in cbiuc has shadow, and as i repeat multiple times in the fic's prose, it matters. i think volo would be a little jealous of that. maybe if volo had been less of a misanthropic freak and teamed up with some people, he could have found himself in a world worth living in, with people who understood and loved him. one of the fic's main themes is "misery loves company," and volo spent his story both very miserable and very alone. so maybe seeing vio's arc in cbiuc would make a post-canon volo realize that it's the company he's really missing.

(maybe eventually i'll tackle that in a fic about volo, but i'm still kinda detoxing from the process of writing cbiuc even like months later. that shit tormented me.)

[study-seshi]

Good morning study seshi!

⁽⁠⁽⁠ଘ⁠(⁠ ⁠ˊ⁠ᵕ⁠ˋ⁠ ⁠)⁠ଓ⁠⁾⁠⁾

04.29.24

There's something about turning something in that you know isn't the best quality and just waiting for your professor to cook you in class 😫

Just when you think you're on top of everything, you're not..

I volunteered for the sidewalk arts festival and that was a planned disruption to my homework time. But unfortunately, my friends and I argued that morning and it just kinda stuck with me. I tried to work through it and but it was constantly on my mind.

I was productive in other ways, like cleaning and straightening up. Usually when I'm frustrated, cleaning helps me slow down, think and process my feelings.

I also tried to get out and enjoy the weather because of my frustration..

But sadly all that took away from my work time. It's seems like there's never enough time in the day to do everything. Yesterday was a depressing cram sesh🤕

I thought I was so caught up on Friday, but just doing less on Saturday alone screwed me up (even though I went to Monty to work til 11)..

That's why it's so hard to find the work-life balance and be able to put aside my emotions to get things done. But I also feel like when anything in my life happens, if I choose to make the time for it, I'm sacrificing my grade.

Of course, I do procrastinate, but everyone does a little. I try to give myself little breaks in between so that I'm not burnt out from doing work for hours in end.

BUT HOW DOES ONE STOP FEELING GUILTY!!

I know my work this week isn't the best.. and everything is demotivating..

I got a D on an assignment I thought I'd would at least get a C on..

[ellie-bygrave]

Red vs Blue: Modelling and Blocking

After working for a couple of days on the initial idea and sketches, I've made a start on the modelling and blocking out of the scenes. I already had a suit of armour model from a previous project so decided to use it again for this project to save some time. I've modelled some other props and environment pieces, including a shield, spear, a siege tower, and the castle.

Some are simpler than others, as making a scene for a video where the camera perspective is controlled by me allows me to save time and effort by sacrificing some quality on objects that are far away or won't be seen much from the camera angle I choose.

I usually start putting my models into a scene straight away once I've finished my first prop or environment model and then think about what I need to create next, but something I want to work on over the rest of my assignments is coming up with a list of props/models I want to create before I start putting things into the scene. I think this will be helpful in the future when trying to pitch ideas to other people, as it will be easier to paint a picture of what the final scene will look like without having to have a finished piece. I think it will also help me with time management on larger projects too, as currently I will just keep adding new things until either I think it looks done, or I'm running out of time to get the renders finalised. I think if I come up with a list of what I need to create I can prioritise what 100% needs to be in the scene and work on that first, then anything that is low on the list can be forfeited if needed due to time requirements.

[kurowrites]

Aviophobia

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

---

It wasn’t like Wei Ying particularly hated air travel, not at all. After all, it was still the most practical way to travel long distances, and the distance between China and Europe was definitely long. The problem was that though he had just sat down in his seat, he was already horrifically bored. The airplane hadn’t even finished boarding yet, and there were around ten hours of flight still in front of him, and he couldn’t wait to arrive at his destination already.

He wasn’t looking forward to the flight, not least because he didn’t actually want to leave. After a year of not seeing her, Wei Ying had finally been able to take some time off and visit his sister, who had been living abroad with her stupid, loaded husband. He’d spent two weeks with Jiang Yanli and his little nephew, and it had been so good to see them again. A-Ling had grown so much! But now, a lot of work was waiting for him back at home, and he really needed to return, not sure when they would be able to meet the next time. That, he definitely wasn’t happy about.

Wei Ying distractedly fidgeted around in his seat, trying to keep in mind that it was no use to take out his laptop now, because the flight attendants would ask him to pack it up again for take-off in a few minutes. He had taken a book with him, anticipating this situation, but right now, the book seemed so unappealing he couldn’t even be bothered to unpack it from his backpack.

Come on, he mentally urged the passengers who were still moving along the aisles in search of their seat like a group of very slow snails, move faster, so we can leave.

Despite his best efforts, the other passengers did not speed up their pace, and so Wei Ying was cursed to sit there and wait until everyone was seated. He tried not to notice the usual offenders that managed to get in everyone’s way and blocked everything with their luggage, and tried to relax (rather unsuccessfully).

As he was idly watching the passengers pass him by, he caught a flash of white that caught his attention. Just when he was sure that his eyes were playing a trick on him, a man in a pristine white suit separated from the crowd and sat down right next to him. He pushed his briefcase under the front seat, fastened his seat belt, nodded to Wei Ying once, and then directed his glance straight forward, turning into a beautiful marble statue.

Wei Ying tried not to stare at his new neighbour too conspicuously, but he couldn’t really help it. The man seemed to be horribly out of place here in economy class, with a tailor-made white suit that very obviously was of high quality and therefore very expensive. His face equally set him apart from the other passengers, with a noble look and a bone structure that looked more suited to the cover of a fashion magazine. Wei Ying, in a simple hoody, soft jacket, and old jeans that were selected specifically for comfort purposes (after all, he would have to vegetate in them for ten hours), wondered how this unicorn had gotten lost among the common folk.

His seatmate was incredibly handsome, obviously wealthy, and… extremely stiff.

When the flight attendant finally announced that boarding had been completed, and that they were waiting for permission to proceed to the runway, the man next to him put his hands on both armrests, and for a second, Wei Ying was ready to be offended that this man hogged all the armrests for himself without consideration for the other passengers.

Then he noticed the man’s knuckles going white, his hands holding on to the armrests as if…

Wei Ying looked at the man’s face again. He was still staring straight ahead, his handsome face expressionless, his breath deep and controlled.

His eyes were fixed at some indeterminate point in the distance, and their focus did not waver at all.  

And they weren’t even moving yet.

Oh dear, Wei Ying thought to himself. Someone is not a fan of flying, huh.

He knew that a lot of people probably wouldn’t appreciate his meddling, but then again, he couldn’t sit there and do nothing while his neighbour was counting breaths or whatever the fuck he was doing to calm himself down. He wasn’t going to sit next to this man for the next several hours and pretend that he didn’t notice that this person was very obviously panicking.

So he reached out, and carefully put his own hand over the one currently clutching at their shared armrest.

“It’s going to be okay,” he said, as quietly as he could. “You’re not alone, and you’re going to be fine.”

The man sucked in a shocked breath the moment Wei Ying touched him.

Wei Ying was ready to draw back and apologise for his unrequested interference, Maybe he shouldn’t have touched him, maybe he had misread–

The hand under his turned around and grasped his own, holding him fast.

“I apologise,” the stranger replied in a faint tone of voice. “For my unseemly display.”

Wei Ying laughed quietly, relief washing over him.

“It’s alright,” he replied conversationally. “We all have our little burdens to carry. As for me, I am deadly afraid of dogs, and I will jump into your arms when I see one. Not that I have much shame to begin with, but my fear of dogs is definitely bigger than any shame I might have. There will be screaming and a general amount of unnecessary, very ugly drama.”

That, finally, had the stranger remove his gaze from the undetermined point in the distance he had settled on, and he turned towards Wei Ying.

Wow.

Wei Ying had been woefully underprepared for this event. The man was even more handsome, facing him directly, and Wei Ying was sure he had never seen such beautiful eyes.

How, he wondered again, had this man ended up in economy class? He should be flying a private plane, not panicking next to Wei Ying on a commercial flight. He should be someone’s trophy husband.

“Dogs?” the man asked him, as if a fear of dogs wasn’t an entirely normal phobia to have.

“Yes,” Wei Ying replied earnestly. “Have you seen them? So fast, and they make so much noise all the time, and their teeth. Ugh. It’s a completely rational fear to have!”

By now, the plane had moved onto the runway, and was starting the jets up.

The man clutched at Wei Ying’s hand almost painfully as the plane started to vibrate, but surprisingly, he did not look away from Wei Ying, steadily holding Wei Ying’s gaze.

“Well, so is a fear of flying, I guess,” Wei Ying mused as the airplane began to move. “But think about this: it’s far more likely to get mauled by a dog than to get involved in a plane accident. There are dogs everywhere, and you never know when one is going to come around a corner! And some owners really don’t know to handle their dogs. So, you see. My fear is much more rational than yours. Also, I did get mauled by several dogs in the past, you know. It’s not even a theoretical fear for me, I know exactly what those bastards are capable of. Dogs are horrible. Not to mention that it’s too late to do anything about your fear now, anyway. Look. We’ve taken off.”

The man kept clutching his hand and stared at him without replying. Wei Ying didn’t know if he even heard anything Wei Ying had said, what with the noise and the pressure in their ears. But the stranger never looked away, and he never let go of Wei Ying’s hand, so that was good, he thought.

Eventually, when the airplane had gained enough height to level off slightly, and the pressure on the diminished, his handsome neighbour finally let out a deep breath and turned his gaze away.

Wei Ying felt almost disappointed to be relieved of the heavy weight of his gaze.

As he had said, the most beautiful eyes he’d ever seen.

“Ridiculous,” his neighbour murmured, eventually, after a long period of silence.

Wei Ying laughed.

“Hello Ridiculous,” he greeted, shaking their still-connected hands playfully. “My name is Wei Ying.”

The man’s head whipped around, and he sent him a positively offended look.

And then, after a beat of silence, he said,

“Lan Zhan.”

---

It needed some careful prodding and digging, but eventually, Wei Ying found out that Lan Zhan the reason why Lan Zhan was on this plain at all was because he had taken over the business trip as a favour to his older brother, who had been unable to travel.

Wei Ying felt the need to tease him for his self-sacrificing sense of familial piety, but he didn’t quite dare to tease Lan Zhan about it. After all, Lan Zhan had done a good thing, at the cost of his own suffering.

Lan Zhan was already bad enough when it came to flying as it was, but then someone had made a mistake with the booking, and he had been booked to fly economy rather than business class on his return trip. Lan Zhan, already at the airport and very troubled by the notion of having to fly, period, had not had the energy to discuss the mistake in his booking and decided to keep his assigned seat. After all, it hardly made any difference whether he was flying business or economy. He would spend the entire flight terrified, either way.

“Well, it was very lucky you ended up choosing economy,” Wei Ying mused. “Now you have a free emotional support pet for the entire flight.”

He grinned cheekily and wiggled Lan Zhan’s hand, still safely encased in his own.

Lan Zhan frowned at the joke.

“I thank you,” he replied regardless. “It is… much easier with you here. But I do not wish to trouble you with my… unfortunate condition.”

What a polite, honest man!

Wei Ying was delighted.

“It’s no trouble at all! You saved me from hours and hours of boredom, so it’s really not just you that’s profiting from this. Are you going to be fine when I have to go to the bathroom though?”

Lan Zhan frowned again, but nodded once.

“Good, good,” Wei Ying praised. “And if you wait for me very nicely, I’m going to get us some snacks from the kitchen. They never bring out the chocolate, which is a crime, really.”

---

In the end, after Wei Ying wheedled out information about Lan Zhan’s job and life for what felt like hours, Lan Zhan managed to relax enough to doze off for a little bit, and they spent the rest of their flight in a repeating pattern of chatting, dozing off, and then being woken up to be served questionable airplane meals.

When they finally touched down at their destination (Lan Zhan once again clutching Wei Ying’s hand as if it was the only lifeline that he had – and Wei Ying trying not to be too happy about that), they took their carry-on luggage and slowly ambled out of the plane, moving towards the baggage claim with the rest of the passengers.

Lan Zhan, as soon as he was out of the airplane and on solid ground again, straightened up and took on a confident stance.

Wei Ying was a little bit in awe. He looked even more handsome and formidable now, in his still pristine white suit. He was even taller than Wei Ying had first thought, definitely taller than Wei Ying, and Wei Ying mused whether there was anything about this man that wasn’t awe-inspiring.

(Well, there was that small case of aviophobia, but who could blame him for that, really.)

Wei Ying felt his hand twitch, and he sternly told himself that it was silly to wish for them to continue holding hands, now that they were out of the plane.

“Well,” he said awkwardly as he grabbed his luggage off the conveyor belt. He wasn’t quite willing to say his goodbyes yet, but he was equally unable to think of any reason to hold on to Lan Zhan’s company for a little longer. “I had a good time on our flight, Lan Zhan. Well. I guess you don’t really want to hear that. You probably had a horrible time. For your sake, I hope that you won’t come close to any planes for a while.”

“Wei Ying, too,” Lan Zhan replied. “For your sake, I hope that you will not meet any dogs suddenly coming around corners. So that you don’t have to leap into anyone’s arms.”

Wei Ying gaped, and as he stared at Lan Zhan in disbelief, he noticed the smallest uptick of Lan Zhan’s lips.

“Ayoo!” he cried. “Lan Zhan, are you teasing me? Look at you, all confident now that you are back on solid ground! Be a little more grateful to your emotional support pet!”

Lan Zhan nonchalantly picked his (very small, compared to Wei Ying’s big, lumpy one) suitcase up from the conveyor belt, and placed it next to his feet.

“I am grateful,” Lan Zhan said, serious again. “I have a car waiting for me outside. You are welcome to join me. I will drop you off anywhere in the city. As a sign of my gratitude.”

“Mmm,” Wei Ying made a considering noise. He didn’t want to say goodbye yet, not when Lan Zhan made him such a nice offer. But then, he was also really hungry.  

“I would love to get chauffeured around, but to be honest, I was planning on getting some decent coffee and a nice breakfast somewhere first. The food in that plane was horrible and I’m not functional without decent coffee.”

Lan Zhan was quiet for a moment.

“Can you wait for half an hour?”

“Huh?”

But before Wei Ying could ask him to elaborate, Lan Zhan was already herding Wei Ying towards the exit. He somehow managed to argue Wei Ying into accepting the car ride (Lan Zhan didn’t even argue, how that worked, Wei Ying sure didn’t know), and then Lan Zhan drove him to the nicest little shop for the most delicious breakfast that Wei Ying could have possibly wished for.

He was ravenous by the time they arrived, but he definitely wasn’t in a mood to complain as soon as the first delicious whiff of fresh coffee and food met his nose in welcome.

Lan Zhan was very attentive as they sat down to eat, generously plying Wei Ying with coffee, and letting him pick all his favourite foods. Wei Ying also learned that when Lan Zhan wasn’t scared for his life, he was remarkably smart and funny. It was so easy to get comfortable with him that Wei Ying had a hard time believing that they had never met until just one day ago.  

Lan Zhan was fun.

“Lan Zhan, you’re joking,” Wei Ying laughed, playfully swatting at Lan Zhan’s arm. “Your first serious family fight was because of rabbits?”

“They were very cute,” Lan Zhan replied seriously, insistent on the point.

Wei Ying leaned forward eagerly, meeting Lan Zhan’s serious mien with a big grin.

“And then, what happened with them?” Wei Ying asked. “Did your uncle cook them in a pot? Were you forced to eat rabbit stew?”

“The fourth generation now lives in my back garden.”

Wei Ying gasped. “You kept them?”

Lan Zhan showed the barest twitch of his lips. “Of course.”

Wei Ying nearly slid under the table at the sight of Lan Zhan’s proud little smile.

If Lan Zhan was trying to seduce him, then Wei Ying would consider himself sufficiently seduced by now.

Goodness gracious, that smile was criminal!

And he was the proud owner of a hoard of rabbits!

“Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan,” he sighed, shaking his head. “You are a veritable little rebel. But, speaking from one pet to another, there is no way you can only tell me about your rabbits and not show them to me. That would be very rude.”

And on Wei Ying’s request, Lan Zhan took out his phone and showed Wei Ying his rabbit children. And then, since he had his phone out already, he shared his contact with Wei Ying. And when they had finished their breakfast, Lan Zhan led him back to the car and drove him home to his apartment, as promised.

When Wei Ying opened the door of the parked car, ready to hop out Lan Zhan stopped him.

“Thank you, Wei Ying,” he said, his beautiful, serious eyes gazing at Wei Ying steadily, as he had done in the plane. “For your help.”

Wei Ying laughed, and rubbed his nose.

God, he really liked the way that Lan Zhan looked at him.  

“For what it’s worth,” he replied quickly, “I’m willing to be Lan Zhan’s emotional support pet anytime.”

And then, because he felt like was too presumptuous and said too much, he hopped out of the car, grabbed his luggage, and weaselled away, to the safety of his apartment.

Once the door of the apartment was closed and his luggage thrown into a corner, he took a deep breath. He dug his phone out of his jacket to inform Jiang Yanli of his save arrival. She was probably wondering why he hadn’t sent her a message yet.

When he unlocked the phone, as expected, there was a message from his sister, asking him if he had arrived safely. However, before he could send a reply, his phone pinged with another message. A message not from Jiang Yanli.

[Lan Zhan, 11.46 am] I’ll take you by your word, Wei Ying. I might have to rely on your services again.

Suddenly, Wei Ying was glad that no one could see him here, hiding behind the door of his own apartment, as he blushed as red as a tomato.

This man!

[iamanartichoke]

I wrote a Thing. It’s extremely long. I’d prefer it not be reblogged; I wrote this for my own catharsis and would prefer it not be circulated, bc of Reasons. 

I changed my mind, okay to reblog. <3 

Under a cut for (extreme, did I mention?) length. 

So I got about 12 minutes of sleep last night, as you do, and around 3am or so I found myself - out of sheer curiosity - going down a meta hole of Ragnarok discourse, trying to figure out where this "satisfying redemption arc" for Loki happened. (I mean, there's a lot of things I would like to figure out, but I started there.) Because I could. 

Basically I was looking for meta that went into detail about how Loki was redeemed in a satisfactory way. The ‘satisfactory’  is an important word here bc there is a redemption arc in the film, in that Loki starts off the film as an antagonist (kinda) to Thor and he ends the film as an ally to Thor, standing at Thor's side. In that sense, yes, there's a redemption arc. I didn't find much (and I had no idea how much people just despise Ragnarok "antis" [I really dislike that word] but that's another topic [that I don't particularly want to get into, tbh]) but I did find some. I read what I could find, and I read it open-mindedly, and overall I came away feeling like, okay, there are some valid points being made here and I can kinda see where they're coming from.

But it was a bit (a lot) like -- flat. Idk. The best comparison I can think of is that it’s like if a literature class read, I don't know, The Yellow Wallpaper for an assignment, and some of the students came away from it feeling like it was a creepy story about a woman slowly driving herself insane, and the other students came away from it incensed at the oppression and infantilization of women in the late 19th century -

- and neither side is wrong, but the former is a very surface-level reading and the latter isn't (bc it stems from looking at why she drives herself insane, why she was prescribed 'rest' in the first place, the context of what women could and couldn't do back then, etc; basically, a bit more work has to go into it). 

[Note: I am not disparaging the quality of The Yellow Wallpaper. At all. It’s just the first relatively well-known story that popped into my head.]

In this sense, I can see the argument for Loki's redemption arc, but I don't think it's a very good argument. Not invalid, but not great.

I mean, for example, I think the most consistent argument I found variations of re: Loki's redemption is that Ragnarok shows Loki finally taking responsibility for his bad behaviour and misdeeds. This includes recognizing that his actions were fueled from a place of self-hatred and a desire to self-destruct in addition to bringing destruction on others. That he probably feels awkward and regretful of these things and doesn't know how to act around Thor, but he figures it out by the end, and decides that returning to Asgard is the best way to show that he's ready to make amends. His act of bringing the Statesman to Asgard is an apology. He allies himself with Thor and ends up in a better place, both narratively (united with Thor once again) and mentally (having taken responsibility and made amends for his past).

And setting aside that he had already made amends by sacrificing his life in TDW (and also setting aside that the argument is made that Loki redeems himself in IW by sacrificing himself to Thanos but if that's the case, wouldn't that imply that he hadn't achieved redemption in Ragnarok or else there would be no need to achieve it again in IW? Or, if you think he did achieve redemption in Ragnarok, then what the fuck did he give his life in IW for? What was his motivation there, and why did the narrative not make it clearer? I digress.) 

- setting aside those two factors, I think this is a very fair argument. Loki is fueled by self-hatred, and he does want to self-destruct, and he does want to inflict that pain on others as well (particularly Thor). No lies detected here. 

However, I also need to know where that self-hatred and desire for destruction (toward himself and others) comes from and for that, we need to go back to Thor 1.

Thor 1. 

Loki starts Thor 1 out as "a clenched fist with hair," to borrow a quote from the Haunting of Hill House (that I tucked away in my mental box of Lovely Things bc it says so much so very simply). He's very used to bottling everything up, pushing it down; he slinks around behind the scenes, pulling the strings to this plot or that. He's "always been one for mischief," but the narrative implies that the coronation incident is the first time Loki's done anything truly terrible. And it all immediately pretty much goes to shit, so Loki spends the rest of the movie frantically juggling all these moving pieces while trying to seem as if he's got it all under control, every step of the way. That's how I view his actions. 

But I always come back to that quote where Kenneth Branaugh tells Tom, of the scene in the vault, "This is where the thin steel rod that's been holding your mind together snaps." In other words this is where Loki discovering he's Jotun is just one thing too many. He can't take it. But though the rod snaps, his descent isn't a nosedive. It's a tumble. As the story progresses, the clenched fist starts to loosen, the muscles are flexed in unfamiliar ways (that feel kinda good, after being stiff for so long), and it culminates with the hand opening completely and shaking itself out. All of that repression, that self-hatred, that rage and jealousy just explodes so that, by the time the bifrost scene happens, Loki's already hit bottom. It's not just about proving his worthiness to Odin. He wants to hurt Thor, too; he, essentially, throws a tantrum. (That's right, I said tantrum.) 

(Note: The word 'tantrum’ has negative connotations bc we normally equate it with a toddler stamping their feet and screaming in the aisle when their parent won't buy them the toy they want. But in itself, the word tantrum isn't infantalizing. It's an "emotional outburst, an uncontrolled explosion of anger and frustration" [paraphrasing from dictionary.com]. That's exactly what happens here [and why Tom called Loki's actions a massive tantrum, but people took that to mean Tom agreed it was childish whereas I doubt Tom meant it that way]).

He's been pushed past his limit, and he does bad things. He does really shitty things. He hurts Thor, he hurts his family. I'm pretty sure he knows this all along so this isn't, like, some revelation further down the line that "hey, those things I did were probably kinda bad." He got the memo already. 

Ragnarok 

Fast forward to Ragnarok, and we're introduced to a version of Loki who's had 4ish years to sit with everything that's happened. To sit with it and not do much else. The rawness of it has faded, and now it seems as though it's just become a thing, like when you move through life aware of your childhood traumas and have more or less just accepted them (and you probably share a lot of really funny depression memes on Facebook, which is kinda the equivalent of Loki's play, but that's probably just me). 

Loki has, more or less, chilled out. He seems more bored than anything else; he's been masquerading as Odin for longer than he ever planned or intended to, so he's more or less ended up hanging out, letting Asgard mind its own business, and entertaining himself with silly plays. This is the version that starts out the movie as an antagonist to Thor - a version that is, arguably, in a much different place [and is a much milder threat] than the version who originally did those Bad Things. 

And of course Thor is still mad at him, and of course they're going to butt heads, because that's what they do (and Thor's grievances are genuine, I’ll add, bc it's not really his fault he assumed Loki faked his death, nor can he be blamed for being pissed about Odin).

One argument framed this version of Loki as being a person who is facing the awkwardness of coming out of a dark place, which is fair. If we're going to frame his actions in Thor 1 as a tantrum, then Ragnarok would be the part where the toddler has been taken home, possibly has had some lunch and a juice box, and is now watching cartoons. They're over the tantrum, and would probably feel pretty silly about it if they weren't, yknow, toddlers. They probably can't remember why they even wanted that toy so badly. If they're a little older and self-aware, they might even be embarrassed for having melted down.

Like the word tantrum, this feeling isn't a thing limited to toddlers. I know I've had a few epic meltdowns as a grown ass adult, and I know I always feel deeply embarrassed afterwards - like, want to crawl into a hole and die. I've said things I can't take back. Adolescents and teenagers throw tantrums, mentally ill people throw tantrums, adults throw tantrums (I mean, my god, look at all the videos of Karens having screaming meltdowns - screaming! - over having to wear masks in order to shop at stores). Humans throw tantrums. And usually, after the feelings have been let out and the tantrum has passed, humans feel pretty regretful and awkward and embarrassed about whatever they did and said in the midst of their meltdown. 

I get all of that and agree it's valid and that Loki probably feels it. By the time Ragnarok happens, Loki's had some time to reflect and think hmm, yeah, probably could've handled that one a lot better. The argument further goes that in order to navigate this awkward period, Loki must come to terms with what he's done, acknowledge that some things can't be unsaid or undone, and begin to make amends. Supposedly, some people feel that Loki becomes a better person because he does "own" everything he did wrong and, even though he feels like a jackass (paraphrasing), he sets that aside to become a become a better person by choosing to help Thor and Asgard at the end. 

Thus, the overall arc goes like this. Loki, Thor's jealous little brother, 

throws a tantrum of epic proportions bc Reasons 

continues to act badly and make things even worse (Avengers) 

has to face consequences for his actions (prison sentence) 

ends up with a stretch of time in which he's free to contemplate and chill out 

feels embarrassed and awkward about how he's behaved

sees an opportunity to make up for it and decides to take it 

helps Thor, saves the day, and ends the film a better person. 

Redemption achieved.

None of this is wrong. The film supports it. It's a fair interpretation. But it leaves. out. so. much.

To circle all the way back around Loki being "a clenched fist with hair," and his actions stemming from his self-hatred, you have to ask - how did he get that way? He didn't end up with all this self-hatred on accident. Generally, one isn't born despising themselves, it's a learned behavior. (I realize chemical imbalances are a thing, obviously, as I have Mental Shit myself, but for argument's sake I'm assuming that's not the case with Loki [at this point in time]). 

Where did Loki learn it? From his family, from his surroundings, from his culture. We see examples of these microaggressions in the first, like, twenty minutes of the movie - a guard openly laughs at Loki's magic after Thor makes a joke about it (the tone of the conversation implies that Thor "jokes" like this often) and though Loki does the snake thing, the guard faces no real consequences. Thor doesn't acknowledge that anything went amiss. Not much later, on their way to Jotunheim, Loki's barely gotten two words out to Heimdall before Thor cuts him off, steps in front of him, and takes charge. Loki doesn't look annoyed at this; he looks resigned. 

Then, for absolutely no reason at all, Volstagg decides to make a jab at Loki ("silver tongue turned to lead?") just because he can. The ease with which he makes this comment and the way that no one else blinks an eye at it implies that this isn't out of the norm. And Loki doesn't react, not really. In the deleted version, he delivers a particularly nasty comeback but he delivers it under his breath, without intending Volstagg to hear it. In the final version, he simply says nothing, though his expression can be read as hurt or stung. Either way, the audience sees an example of Loki being walked all over by Thor and his friends and bottling up his reactions instead of standing up for himself. 

Microaggressions matter. They are mentally and emotionally damaging. They hurt. The implication that this is not unusual treatment for Loki means that Loki's probably gone through this for most of his life. It's like the equivalent of being, I don't know, twenty two and you're the friend who has to walk behind the others when the sidewalk isn't wide enough, and it's been that way since the first day of kindergarten. At this point, you're used to it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when the jabs come seemingly out of nowhere, for no reason other than to make you feel bad.

(I personally identify a lot with this bc I experienced passive bullying in social settings for years. I was the 'doesn't fit on the sidewalk' friend; I hung around with people who'd pretend to be my friend and would be more or less nice to my face, but would laugh at me and make fun of me behind my back for whatever reasons. And often there'd be the random jabs at me, things that would come out of nowhere to smack me in the face, followed by the fake laugh and “just kidding!" so that I couldn't even get upset without being made to feel like I was overreacting and couldn't take a joke. I'd deal with this socially, particularly in middle school when girls are their most vicious, and then I'd go home and, because I was the only girl with a lot of brothers and because boys are mean and because I am who I am, the dynamic was that my brothers would just endlessly roast me to my face and sometimes it was a "just kidding!" thing, where I was the only one not laughing. But that’s beside the point; my point is that microaggressions, passive bullying, and consistent invalidation are harmful and that shit stays with you into adulthood.) 

So, yes, Loki needs to be held responsible for his misdeeds, and it's valid to say that he recognizes those misdeeds and wants to make amends. I have never disagreed with that. But the problem with this interpretation is that it lets every single other character who contributed to Loki's self-hatred and mental breakdown (let's just call a spade a spade here, that's what it was; he was broken psychologically) get off scot-free.

First of all,

Odin is not held accountable for instilling in the princes a mentality of Asgard first, everyone is beneath us but Jotuns are benath us the most, they are literal monsters. He is not held accountable for pitting his sons against one another (even if it was unintentional, he still did it) with "you were both born to be kings but only one of you can rule" being the general tone of their upbringing. He's not held accountable for his favoritism toward Thor.

Frigga is not held accountable for deferring to Odin both in supporting the above things and in keeping the truth of Loki's origins a secret while doing nothing to discourage the "monsters" narrative. 

Thor is not held accountable for his own tendency of taking Loki for granted (he assumes Loki will come to Jotunheim, he oversteps Loki constantly, “know your place,” etc.. He grants his implicit permission for Loki to be treated as the sidewalk friend in their “group,” a group which is loyal to and takes their cues from Thor as Thor continues to do nothing in his brother's defense).

[Note: Wanting Thor to be held accountable for things he's done wrong isn't vilifying him. Acknowledging that Thor benefited from Odin's favoritism and his own place as Crown Prince doesn't negate Thor also being raised in an abusive environment. I don't think anyone's saying that or, if they have, it's not something I agree with.]

Furthermore, 

Odin is not held accountable for his cruelty in disowning Loki (”your birthright was to die” is never going to be forgotten, speaking of people saying things that can't be unsaid or taken back) and in sentencing Loki to a severe prison sentence (life! only bc Frigga wouldn't let him execute Loki) for crimes that are no worse than what Odin himself has committed (around which the entire plot of Ragnarok revolves! Colonialism (and subjugation) is wrong is, like, a major theme [that people rush to praise, even] here). 

Thor is also never held accountable for not trying harder to understand what made Loki snap (fair enough, he didn't have a ton of time after returning from Earth, but certainly he had lots of time to sit around reflecting while Loki was being tortured by Thanos for a year). He knows Loki is "not himself" and "beyond reason" and accepts it at face value; he questions it once and then lets it go. He's fine with assuming Loki's just lost his mind, and isn't that a shame. (I realize I'm simplifying Thor's emotions but my point is that Thor could've tried harder to figure out that Loki was being influenced and/or not acting completely autonomously.) 

Thor is also never held accountable for - if not facing consequences for his own slaughter of Jotuns - then at least addressing why Loki can't kill an entire race even though Thor tried to do that, like, two days ago. (Granted, it’s difficult to understand how Thor got from Point A ("let's finish them together, Father!") to Point B (this is wrong!), but that failing belongs to Thor 1 (which is not, by the way, a perfect movie).

The interpretation that Loki is fully redeemed because he took responsibility for his actions, returned to Asgard, and allied himself with Thor to save their people is all well and good - but, why is Loki the only one here who has to take responsibility for their actions? 

What about all the loose threads in his story? 

For example, how did he get from: 

Point A (believing himself a literal monster, having a complete mental breakdown, getting tortured and further traumatized after that, etc) 

to 

Point B (Hey, yknow what would be fun? I'm going to write and direct a play about how I heroically died to save Thor and Jane, and I'll go ahead and have Odin say he accepts me and has always loved me. I'm going to do these things because Odin never said this in real life and instead of acknowledging my sacrifice, Thor left my body in the dirt, so someone has to validate what I've done right and that someone might as well be me. And hey, while I'm at it, I'm going to control the narrative on revealing myself as Jotun to Asgard, instead of living in fear of it being found out, and I'm going to do it in a way that they have to sympathize with me and revere me in death, bc they never bothered to do so when I was alive. And Matt Damon should play me, also.) 

to 

Point C (Yeah, I guess I feel kinda awkward about that whole tantrum thing, also I should help Thor and support him being king.)

? 

The answers to these questions are handwaved and the audience takes that to mean they don't matter. Furthermore, framing Loki's redemption around an act of service (more or less) to Thor makes Loki's redemption about Thor. Does Loki make this decision for the sake of Thor and of Asgard, or does he make it for himself? It's not super clear to me, and I think arguments can be made for both. Which, again, is fine, but - whatever.

If we're going to collectively agree, as a fandom, that Loki is complex, that he's morally gray, that he's worthy of redemption and therefore arguably a good person who's done bad things, then why is it asking too much to have it acknowledged that Thor (also a good person who's done bad things) played a part in Loki's downfall and has shit to apologize for, too? Bc one can only assume the reason is that you're taking a very gray concept and making it black and white by saying Loki has to apologize and make amends because he is the villain, and Thor doesn't because he is the hero (and it's his movie). And it's lazy.

This is where the crux of the issue lands. There's more than one valid interpretation, yes. And no two people (or groups of people, or whatever) are going to consume and therefore interpret or analyze the source material in the same way. I think I saw a post recently about how studies have been done on this, in fact. But, there is a lot going on under the surface that tends to get overlooked when exploring Loki's redemption arc in Ragnarok, as far as I can see, and that’s why I don’t consider it satisfactory. 

[I did read similar arguments regarding other issues that are often debated ('debated'), like Loki's magic and/or being underpowered, whether or not Loki's betrayal of Thor was the natural outcome of the situation on Sakaar or not, whether Thor actually gets closure with Odin [if he does, how does he reconcile the father he's idolized with the imperialistic conqueror he's discovered? Why doesn't he hold Odin responsible for covering up Hela's existence and the threat of her return, especially as he knew he was nearing the end of his life? Is Thor's "I'm not as strong as you" meant to imply that he acknowledges those shortcomings of Odin's and that he's okay with them, or that he's just overlooking them, or is he not okay with them but didn't have the chance to get into it bc he was in the middle of battle? T'Challa confronted his father on his wrongdoings in Black Panther; could Thor not have had at least one line that was confrontational enough to establish where he stands as opposed to this gray middle? Can someone explain to me how any of this equates to Thor gaining closure? Please?) but obviously I'm not going to go into all of them (well, I tried not to), bc this mammoth post has gone on long enough (I may not even post this tbh)]

- but my overall point to this entire thing is that when I say I'm critical of Ragnarok bc it's flawed, that Loki's arc was neither complete nor satisfactory, that many things went unaddressed and, due to all of these things, I do not think Ragnarok is a very good movie nor a very cohesive movie, this is where I'm coming from. I have not seen anything to change my mind to the contrary. 

But I am not saying that anyone satisfied with it is wrong, or shouldn't have the interpretation that they do. I'm not vilifying Thor in order to lift Loki up, just acknowledging that Thor is arguably just as flawed as Loki without the stigma of being Designated Villain. I think a lot of these arguments get overlooked or dismissed, and that's fine, but it doesn't make the people who do engage with them hateful, or bitter, or trying to excuse Loki's crimes, or feeling like redemption means that Loki's crimes should be erased rather than reconciled. 

And sure, yes, perhaps we are expecting too much and exploring all of these themes (or wanting them explored) means that somehow we think it should be Loki's movie (we don't). Loki is a supporting character, but he's still a character. And the movie itself doesn't have to delve into all these things - no one's saying that. (At least, I'm not.) We just want acknowledgement, from the narrative, that this stuff was an Issue. 

This could have been accomplished with - 

Some dialogue closer to the novelization (and original script), like Thor and Loki both acknowledging the harm they've done one another and their kingdom due to their Feels.

 A single line of Thor confronting Odin, or even asking "Why?" 

A narrative acknowledgement that Odin did both Thor and Loki dirty (”I love you, my sons” isn't an apology, because it doesn't acknowledge either that there's been wrong-doing or express regret for having done the wrong in the first place). 

A little bit more nuance in the way Loki treats his own past (ie, instead of flippantly telling the story of his suicide attempt, maybe - if it must be flippant - talk about getting blasted in the face with Hawkeye's arrow or sailing through to Svartalfheim [And in that moment, I sang ta-daaaa!]) or whatever. 

I recognize that wanting full, in-depth exploration on all of these issues regarding a supporting character is probably too much to ask or expect - but, I also feel like, if you're going to be professionally writing a narrative (or rewriting/improvising, as it were), it's not too much to ask that a little more care be taken in regards to all of the layers that have contributed to said supporting character's downfall and subsequent redemption arc. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to want. 

And maybe if there had been more nuance and continuity in how these things were portrayed on screen (ie, if TW had actually done as good a job as his stans think he did), the fandom wouldn't have divided and conquered itself over which "version" of the same character is more valid and whether or not the film did its best to close out a trilogy (not start a new one), to the point where everyone in this fandom space makes navigating it feel like walking through a minefield. 

But, I mean 

(Again, please don’t reblog if possible.) 

Edit: Okay to reblog. <3 

[cupofteaguk]

a begin again drabble  ↪ or, when a new professor shows up at hogwarts 

There are many upsides and downsides to dating Jung Hoseok. 

On one hand, he’s genuinely one of the nicest people you’ve had the pleasure of encountering. Being able to date him is just an extension of getting to see what kind of person Hoseok really is. Aside from his kind and understanding nature—underneath all those layers just lay the simple quality and fact that he really is nice and sweet and you adore those aspects of him. 

On the other head, he’s genuinely one of the nicest people you’ve had the pleasure of encounter. He’s too nice, too understanding, too sweet and that type of personality constantly threatens to get on your nerves on more than one occasion. Most of the time, it’s little things that can result in exasperated, but otherwise fake, arguments about what to eat for dinner, whether to risk a trip to Hogsmeade during peak grading season would be worth the trouble, if you wanted to sleep over in his quarters for the evening or not… 

Those little playful banters are nothing major or serious. They are parts of the relationship you share with Hoseok that makes it so fun, so unexpected, and everything you could have wanted plus a little bit more. It makes you truly realize how well you get along with Hoseok; how perhaps the formation of a romantic connection between the two of you is meant to be and that all those years of being away from each other despite believing neither of you knew each other that well was just a missed opportunity. 

But sometimes Hoseok’s kindness really does make you want to strangle yourself. Or him. Or the very new, very attractive female professor who keeps giving him curious side glances and smiles that linger for a second too long—just like right now. And it’s hard not to feel the slightest bit unhinged when Hoseok doesn’t do anything to distance himself from her touches and her giggles. 

Maybe you’re just jealous. Jealous over your boyfriend’s relentless good cheer, something that has not faded away or wavered in the slightest even when the pair of you went to school together. Maybe you’re jealous over the fact that Hoseok gets along so well with this new professor in particular—almost the same way that you and Hoseok got along when you first started working at Hogwarts. 

The sudden worry that you could be replaceable in Jung Hoseok’s life, the thought that perhaps he would only keep you around until some other prettier, equally doe-eyed individual walked into his life fills your head with immediate doubt. Given that you and Hoseok have only been… somewhat of an item for a few months, it doesn’t fill you with too much confidence in the level of commitment both of you have for the relationship. There’s only so much your nerves will let you talk about before the fear of Hoseok’s expectations not matching with yours keeps you at bay. 

It keeps you gritting your teeth together as you hunch over your desk in the empty classroom, attempting to grade the Transfiguration essays your first years have written. However, it’s hard to remain entirely focused on alphabet knowledge when Professor Hoseok and Professor Irene are standing outside the door frame of your class, talking and gushing to one another about god knows what. Normally, you don’t have a problem with Hoseok conversing with coworkers (as with him to you), but something about Hoseok and Irene talking threatens to make your heart drop to your chest and burn up all in a combination that can only be compared to some terrible anxiety. 

You’re not too sure—maybe it’s the way Irene laughs a little too loudly and reaches over to oh-so-casually grace her hand down his arm and how Hoseok does absolutely nothing to stop her actions. Even though you don’t know the content of the situation or what they’re even talking about in the first place, that doesn’t stop you from allowing a bitter tang to enter your head, your stomach, your heart. The way Hoseok is smiling down at Irene reminds you a little too much about how Hoseok smiles at you and it brings a fireload of questions down upon you. 

You force yourself to remain focused on the task at hand, leaning down in order to keep the pair at your door frame out of your line of sight. It’s still hard to stay preoccupied when the giggling feels as if it’s right next to your face. 

You’re about two seconds away from straightening up and hiding away in your own personal office space to get away—not just from the distracting chatter but also from the burning sensation threatening to cloud your better judgement. However, before you can start to make the transition, the footsteps entering distracts you as you look up just in time to see Hoseok making his way towards you. 

“Hey you,” He greets, flashing you his typical warm smile that never fails to make butterflies erupt in your stomach but the thought of him smiling at Irene in the same way leaves a more pressing worry that makes it difficult to return his hello. 

“Hey,” You manage instead, playing a weak smile in the hopes that Hoseok will simply read it as stress. 

It seems to work, because he furrows his eyebrows sympathetically and leans on the desk in the space next to where you’re seated. “Grading kicking your ass right now?” 

You hum. “There’s only so many similar versions of the same topic that I can take before my immediate reaction to reading this is to just cross everything out with a giant red marker.” You sigh. Actually voicing the process of your assignments makes you realize that you are stressed out for a number of different reasons and that perhaps Hoseok’s relationship with Irene is the result of the stress. But still, you cannot stop yourself from feeling this way. “But I have to get it done,” You continue to remark, attempting to keep your voice light. “I feel like I’ve been holding back on this for way too long so I have to get them done.” 

“Hm,” Hoseok remarks quietly, gaze watching your figure for a moment, as if trying to dephiever the source of your slightly dismissive attitude. Maybe the way you refuse to meet his gaze can be slightly misleading, especially since you’re usually an attentive person during conversations, but the fact that you’ve procrastinated on grading a large collection of assignment probably helps ease the suspicion as he writes off your behavior to stress. “So I guess grabbing a quick lunch in the Great Hall is out of the question?” 

“You want to grab lunch?” You ask quietly, pressing your lips together as you sneak a quick glance at the man hovering over your shoulder. “I’m pretty swamped right now—why don’t you ask Professor Irene to go eat with you?” The last part is more of a mumble and is more or less a slip on your behalf and that realization makes your eyes momentarily widen out of fear that Hoseok will get defensive in regards to what that means. 

Instead, Hoseok gives you a confused look. “Why would I ask Irene out to lunch? We were just talking a second ago and I’d rather spend my time with you.” 

“W-Well,” You start, shrugging in an attempt to feign casualness. “I mean, I’m pretty busy and you guys seem to be getting along really well so it makes sense that the two of you would hang out. It’s not like either of us have many options for friends anyways.” 

Your words seem to rid themselves of its dismissive nature because Hoseok actually ponders this thought. “That makes sense,” He reasons with a smile—the type of gesture that reassures you on not alarming Hoseok about the depth of your emotions, but also leaving you to wonder just how much of your sanity will be sacrificed from trying to convince Hoseok about your current state of mind. 

As it turns out, it takes your sanity and a little bit more to get through the next few days of the week. Your busy schedule of grading, teaching, lesson planning, and tutoring keeps you away from Hoseok for long periods of time and he seems to use that as a main justification for spending more time with Irene. You catch them in the hallway as you’re trying to dash to the library or to your first class after catching a quick bite in the Great Hall—talking about god-knows-what but always laughing and always lingering closely together that makes the nerves of jealousy and curiosity spike at your heart. 

You don’t want to be the controlling girlfriend, the one who tells Hoseok he cannot spend time with certain people even though you’re also the one biting off more than you can chew. You had been the one to say it was okay for Hoseok to hang around other people simply because there were moments where you couldn’t fill that void in his life. But still, seeing him hang around Irene and Irene only brings about far too many questions that should be healthy for a girlfriend to face alone. 

Yet the fear of speaking your mind, the fear of Hoseok’s kindness serving as an inability to see where your negative emotions come from, keeps you from speaking but also forces you to stop lingering too closely over the problem. As a result, you unconsciously create distance between you and those problems by burying yourself in your assignments and neglecting your relationship out of fear of saying the wrong thing. 

At first, you’re too distracted with grading midterms and answering inquiries from students that it isn’t hard for you to get lost and caught up in the current event of your day-by-day. However, the more time you spend investing in your work, the more time you see Hoseok and Irene in one another’s company, which leads to more conflicted emotions as you attempt to settle your jealousy despite every bone in your body convincing you that Hoseok enjoyed being with Irene more than he enjoyed being with you, which then leads you to bury yourself further and further into your assignments. And the cycle goes on, over and over again. 

You’ve never been too good at dealing with specific problems head-on, so your body’s first instinct is to suppress the issue, meaning that you avoid aforementioned issue—meaning that you also avoid him. 

“Y/N, I know you’re busy but do you want to grab a quick bite for dinner?” 

“Uh—sorry, can’t. I promised a bunch of my fifth years I’d go over their Transfiguration notes before O.W.L’s come up.” 

“Y/N, can I walk you to your first class?” 

“Aw, that’s really sweet Hoseok but I have to run to the Great Hall super quick just to grab a bagel or something, I’m really hungry.” 

“Y/N, do you have time for a little date down at the Three Broomsticks?” 

“S-Sorry, a lot of students have told me they’re coming down to my office hours to practice the spells we learned in class…” 

Sure, maybe a majority of the excuses you throw in Hoseok’s general direction are entirely truthful, but sometimes you actually go looking for those reasons not to spend too much time with Hoseok. You know it’s a cowardly thing to participate in, but your feelings feel so overpowering and scary that you aren’t entirely sure what would happen or what you would say if they got out of hand. So you resort to saying nothing and hoping that Hoseok would never catch on. 

The hope had been stupid and foolish to begin with, and you realize that as soon as you walk out of Great Hall with the remnants of morning toast around your mouth only to find Hoseok waiting for you just outside. He looks disappointed and you can feel that disappointment leaking off his skin like steam and the sight of him after avoiding him for so many weeks aches at your heart. But it also forces images of his time spent with Irene fill your head and it’s just an endless cycle. 

“P-Professor Hoseok,” You stammer, unsure why you had to attach formality to his name. After all, it’s not like the whole school doesn’t know that the pair of you are dating—word spreads quickly after people found out he fingered you in his office, but you don’t like to talk about that anymore. 

“You’re avoiding me,” Hoseok states, crossing his arms over his chest, going straight to the point and you don’t blame him. 

“I’m not,” You retort, but there is a waver in your voice and Hoseok didn’t even need to be your boyfriend to know how badly you lie through your teeth. “I really have been busy Hobi.” 

You hope the use of the pet name would help ease the potential argument, but he doesn’t let up. “Okay, but you’ve always been the type of person to take aside a few hours to hang out. I get that you’re busy but you won’t even look at me anymore. What’s up with that? Are you… done with me or something?” 

“What? No, no, of course not Hoseok,” You say, letting your own guard down long enough to take a step closer to him. “I didn’t know that’s how you felt—I didn’t even think you would have been missing me…” 

The last part of the sentence is an afterthought but Hoseok sees right through it. “Of course I would be missing you, what are you talking about?” 

You press your lips together, willing yourself not to say too much but you have a feeling that simply opening your mouth has already unlocked more can of worms than you ever intended. You avert your gaze. “I… I don’t know—you’ve been spending so much time with Professor Irene and you seem to really, really enjoy her company and vice versa…” 

“Wait, wait…” Hoseok interrupts, eyebrows furrowing together. “Y/N, do you think I’m cheating on you or something?” 

“No!” You interject, waving your hands briefly in front of your face. “No, I don’t think that at all…” You can feel the nervousness etching itself across your face, the adrenaline of nerves and fight or flight streaming through your blood and you wonder how convincing the statement must sound and look to Hoseok. “I mean, I wouldn’t blame you or anything—she’s pretty and smart and funny…” You trail off. The look of absolute disbelief upon Hoseok’s face has told you that you have said too much. “Uh, I have to get going,” You say, blindly taking a look at your wristwatch. You can’t even tell the time with how quickly you glance at it, but you need an excuse to leave the conversation before you could say something you don’t want to hear—or even worse, Hoseok could say something you don’t want to hear. “I have to get ready for my class.” 

You turn on your heel and pace as quickly as you can without making it seem like you were trying to escape, but Hoseok calls your name and you know you aren’t as good at hiding your emotions as you thought. But it doesn’t matter, because you are running as quickly as you can to your class. Some students are already piled inside when you get there and hello’s are exchanged as you settle down at the front of the room and begin setting up the equipment for today’s lecture. It’s Draconifor spells with your third years—typically a more difficult spell to learn just because of the overall complexities that come with trying to transform objects into real things; you already have your work cut out for you. 

The class starts off smoothly and you think that you can get through the lecture without worrying about Hoseok or Irene or wondering what Hoseok is thinking about—until the door to your class slams open and reveals the man himself standing in your doorframe. Over the course of your relationship, you’ve become accustomed to Hoseok dropping by your classroom during lectures to visit but this is not like his usual visits because he’s wide-eyed with a glint you’ve never seen before. 

“Hoseok,” You greet, a touch of hesitancy in your voice and for good reason, given that you had just more or less accused him of cheating on you and so you aren’t entirely sure about what he plans to say. You swallow, wondering if your students can notice the spiking tension in the room. They’re probably use to his presence after having to endure it for so many months. “C-Can I help you with something—?” 

“You think I’m cheating on you?” He interrupts loudly, forcing the room into the kind of silence that makes you want to strangle yourself. You clench your teeth together, face burning with the color of humiliation as you stare ahead at Hoseok. You can’t even picture the expressions upon the faces of your students. 

“H-Hoseok, this really isn’t a good time…” 

“I can’t believe it!” Hoseok carries on, talking as if he had not heard you or had not seen the fact that you are previously occupied at the moment. “I can’t believe you would think that I’m cheating on you. With Professor Irene too!” 

“Hoseok!” You retort, cheeks hurting so much that you think you might just die of embarrassment right then and there. The entirety of your face feels so hot that it becomes hard to see clearly but you still manage to make your way down the aisle towards him, attempting to push him without actually having to use physical force. “We can’t do this right now—!” 

“No.” Hoseok shrugs away from your touch. “We’re gonna do this right now. We’re gonna talk about this right now because I can’t believe you’d think I’d actually cheat on you!” 

“I never said that!” You protest, momentarily forgetting your current setting long enough to fight back and expose your own personal emotions. The room around you suddenly feels empty. “I said I wouldn’t be surprised if you had a crush on her! You’ve been spending so much time with her anyways!” 

“Because you said you were busy!” Hoseok points out. “And how could I have a crush on Irene? I have you.” 

You press your lips together, having not expected the conversation to go in that direction. “W-Well, I just thought—!” You stammer. “How could you not like Irene? She’s pretty and smart and funny and she’s just so much more put together…” 

Hoseok takes in a breath. “Do you think I care about any of that? I mean, those things are fine—but it’s not you. And that makes all the difference because I’m too in love with you to ever, ever look at someone else.” 

You freeze for a moment, completely taken aback by his statement, said without an ounce of hesitation or thought—like it’s the only thing he knows better than he knows himself and you are utterly surprised. 

Because this is the first time Hoseok has admitted that he loves you. 

You are surprised, and it shows in your face. It shows in your widening eyes and parting lips, stolen breathes. Even though you know what he had said, you still find yourself asking: “W-What did you say?” 

And Hoseok seems to make this realization as well—the realization that he’s defining his feelings for you with those three dreaded words that could change everything and he freezes. “I, uh… I said…” 

“You really love me?” You finish, unable to help yourself and unable to help the way the teasing smile inches itself across your lips. 

Hoseok ponders for a second before his eyes meet yours and he takes a step closer. “Of course I am,” He answers. “I’d be stupid not to be in love with you.” 

The teasing smile turns into a shy grin; you angle yourself a little to study Hoseok through your lashes. “That’s nice, because I’m in love with you too.” 

The corner of Hoseok’s lips quirk up, the beautiful beginnings of a laugh pass between his lips as he steps forward to take you in his arms before—! 

“Aw, Professor Hoseok and Professor Y/N are in love!” A shout rings through the third year students in your classroom, causing both of you to jump out of the little world only you belonged to and making you realize that you have just confessed in front of your students. 

Given what happened the first time you and Hoseok hit a milestone in your relationship, this shouldn’t surprise you—and you can’t even begin to imagine what will happen once your sixth years find out. 

[adventure-hearts]

Epilogue Celebration: “Couples”

The Epilogue is my favourite timeline for Sora x Yamato, so ofc I’m going to use this prompt as an excuse to talk about them. But how do you sum up a vision built on almost 20 years of headcanons and stories? Here is my modest attempt...

“State of The Art”

As of 2028, Sora and Yamato (40) have been together for around 10 years. The exact timeline of the relationship depends on which of them you ask; when they got back together at the end of the 2010s, they took a while to go from a no-strings-attached relationship to being an official couple. It took them even longer to decide to get married, since both were pretty wary of marriage. 

When, after a few years of dating, Yamato was assigned by JAXA to an astronaut training course in France, he asked Sora to come and live with him. Making things legal made immigration bureaucracy less complicated, so they just took the extra step and eloped. The only witnesses at their wedding were their Digimon partners (something Takeru cries over to this day)! They lived in France for a few years and had two kids, Hana (6) and Ren (3), who were born there. During this period, Yamato, who had a position at the European Space Agency, completed two space trips, while Sora worked at a big Parisian fashion house. 

In 2025, after Yamato’s international assignment ended, they relocated to Japan, and Sora decided to start her own fashion label, to great success. Since both make decent money, they now live in a lovely house with a garden and have a comfortable financial situation. This is where we find them at the time of the Epilogue.

Raising the Kids

Sora was initially scared of becoming a mother. Growing up with everyone treating her as a “mom friend” and feeling responsible for the well-being of others, in addition to the pressures of belonging to the Takenouchi family, she was hesitant to have a child unless she was sure she would not mess it up. Yamato, on the other hand, craved kids (being very fond of his nephew Théo) and secretly dreamed of having a child with Sora, but didn’t push the subject much until Sora decided for herself.

Sometime after Hana’s birth, after it was clear that they both were made for parenthood, they were happy to expand the family, but there were a few health issues during pregnancy and childbirth. Baby Ren was born premature from an emergency c-section, and they were told conceiving again was very unlikely. So, with some regret, the Takenouchi-Ishida family was complete.

Sora and Yamato are usually on the same page when it comes to raising Hana and Ren. They value their happiness and freedom above everything else, and living abroad influenced them and made them have a pretty modern approach to parenting. 

Yamato was raised with practically no rules or adult supervision, and Sora was the opposite, so they try to find a balance for their kids. It’s usually Sora who enforces rules, because Yamato is very easily manipulated by the kids who tend to get their way around him every time. By contrast, Yamato is the hands-on, overprotective dad who truly believes his children to be faultless and superior to all other kids, something Sora tries to balance a little to make sure the kids are polite and unspoiled.

It isn’t always easy to juggle work-family balance, but they have a lot of help and support from their parents, especially since they moved back to Japan. Hiroaki, in particular, is a keen baby sitter, but all four grandparents almost fight over who gets to watch the kids when Yamato and Sora are working!

Relationship Dynamics

Sora and Yamato are very passionate and devoted to each other (after all, they’ve been in love since they were teenagers, even though it took them a long while to get together), but they also have a somehow atypical relationship.  They aren’t openly demonstrative in public. They were the last of the group to start a family. They don’t share a last name (because Sora is an only child and heir to an important iemoto family, like her mom, she didn’t change her name after marriage; a recent law allows Yamato to keep his birth name, but the kids are Takenouchi). They eloped instead of having a big wedding. They have demanding careers that involve traveling abroad and off-planet. They happen to both be former Chosen Children (although Sora “retired” from Digimon business in 2010).

This means that they are pretty independent, and they are used to spending time away from each other. The saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is key here! Yamato and Sora make sure to treasure every second they do spend together and enjoy it to the max. Friends joke they are weird, but behind closed doors they are constantly on the honeymoon phase, because they don’t really have time to get bored with each other.

Supporting each other’s careers is an important aspect of the marriage. They are both passionate about their jobs. Sora made it clear, from the start, that she would not be willing to get married or have kids if that meant sacrificing her dream of becoming a fashion designer or that she wouldn’t accept anything other than an egalitarian partnership with her husband and co-parent. Luckily, Yamato is a good housekeeper and sharing chores hasn’t been much of a problem here (though she still struggles with some of the habits he acquired living with his Dad). Sora is also very understanding of Yamato’s dangerous job and can handle it better than most (though of course she worries!).

Although Sora moved across countries for the sake of Yamato’s job, and has to take care of the kids alone when he was off in space (which required her to postpone her career plans for some time), Yamato was also the main person who supported her decision start her own fashion house in Japan. Nowadays, he’s usually the one who misses work to stay home with the kids while Sora works weekends and late nights, running her growing fashion empire.

Yamato has only been on one space travel since the kids were born (he spent eight months away from home in 2026) and now has a very flexible schedule that lets him spent lots of time at home. This coincided with the period when Sora was building her brand and achieving success, and so was more busy than ever. They try to arrange their schedules so they don’t spend more than two weeks apart and Sora devotedly schedules “dates” so they have quality time together. But both know it’s inevitable that he will be called again, especially if a threat appears or if world governments decide to invest in a Mars mission, so this work-family balance may face some challenges in the near future.

For them, emotional distance can be more of a problem than physical distance. They tend to avoid discussing problems and fears when they aren’t together, and so sometimes they feel a little isolated with their feelings. Sora often feels very overwhelmed with her many responsibilities (running a successful label alongside with helping her aging mother with the Ikebana school), but is too proud to ask for anyone’s help, and can feel disgruntled when she feels Yamato isn’t paying enough attention to her. Meanwhile, when Yamato has an important work-assignment in his hands, he throws himself headfirst and can become distant. He often feels guilty for neglecting his wife and kids and worries about not being present enough, because his fear is that history will repeat itself. 

Rest assured, though, because marital problems are a rarity. Years have helped them communicate better and they know each other inside out; this a mutually satisfying, supportive, and harmonious marriage all around.

Random Couple Headcanons for the other Chosen

Miyako & Ken - Happily married eternal lovebirds; the kind that don’t shy away from embarrassing their kids in public.

Mimi - Surprisingly uninterested in serious romantic relationships, she decided to have a baby on her own.

Takeru - Went through the marriage, baby, and divorce phase while still in his mid-twenties. His ex-wife is a French Chosen Child who lives in Japan, and who has since remarried. They have a very friendly relationship for the sake of their son and share 50/50 custody. Since his divorce, Takeru enjoys the single life to the max, without any desire for a serious relationship with anyone except maybe one woman.

Taichi - Recently went through a litigious divorce and is having trouble with his ex-wife. He’s been trying to make sure his son isn’t affected by this, and has been relying a lot on his sister and his closest friends for moral support. 

Koushirou - Married a fellow researcher and is by all accounts very happy.

Jou - Happily married his high-school sweetheart, who is also a doctor.

Iori - His wife was one of Miyako’s former co-workers and her protegée, and she now stays home and manages the family. They married very young because they didn’t see a point in waiting to have a committed and stable family.

Hikari - Married an older man who died suddenly of cancer a few years back. She lives with her parents who help her raise her little boy. Has a lot of suitors.

Daisuke - Never married, but had a son with an ex-girlfriend when he was pretty young. He’s currently engaged to a handsome, wealthy American restaurateur named Dave.

[harthuntcr]

( sabrina carpenter. nineteen. she/her.  )   everything’s fine, MAYA HART-HUNTER,  you’re in the good place!  do you remember your last days in GIRL MEETS WORLD? but don’t worry, your  ( bay windows, perfectly messy hair, pencil sketches, subway stations, layered necklaces)  will fit perfectly with the rest of the good place, so long as you commit to the  UPBEAT OPTIMIST  despite your tendency to commit to  (a constant need to prove she isn’t broken)  that the architect of the good place said you were. it’ll just be like a fun acting exercise! just play along and everything will continue to be fun.

honestly the only one that’ll fully read this is me but i just rewatched all of gmw so here’s a few of maya’s defining quotes with some info tacked on ! (to sum it up: major daddy issues, minor mommy issues, craves stability, great artist, cares SO MUCH about her friends, deserves better !)

maya penelope hart-hunter, nineteen, crossning

“hi, i’m maya. you’re really cute. we should hang out sometime. you make me happy. you don’t pay enough attention to me. this isn’t working out, it’s you, not me. we can still be friends, not really.” 

maya is introduced as riley’s shawn, as her very best friend in this universe. she’s bold, fierce, rebellious, loud, and everything that riley isn’t. she wears lip gloss, she marches right up to cute boys on the subway, she is the night. she is dark and mysterious. 

“ i was a little girl, and i climbed through an open window because i heard singing. i was attracted to what i saw inside. it was someone safe…”

she and riley meet as small children when she wanders into her open window. her parents are fighting. they never seem to stop fighting. 

she never leaves riley’s side. it becomes a simple understanding that they are an extension of each other, no longer separate entities. her loyalty is a defining quality to her.  

“i do go outside, riley. i watch the light move during the day. and you know what happens at 5:30? you turn gold. everything is more beautiful at the beginning and the end of the day, and i want people to see that. i want to capture that. i didn't mean to believe in something.”

maya is an amazing artist. she can also sing, but she is partial to painting and sketching when she is at home. her favorite teachers are, as expected, her art teachers, and that is always the class she excels in. 

"when i was real young, i used to come to this park and look at this statue and wonder if i would ever have friends as good as these. that would hands with each other and smile. i used to wonder what it was they were so happy about. now i know.”

this just be a cute quote. her friends are the stars in her sky and she really would do anything for them if they need it, sacrificing herself over and over if it meant they could be spared for even a second longer. 

“i’m gonna get an education from him. and i’m gonna earn my own money. and someday i’m gonna have a good place with good walls and a good roof.” “and what are you gonna do for everybody else?” “everybody’s a lot of people. but if i could afford it, i would fix somebody else’s roof.” 

she understands not having a lot. maya has a hole in her wall and a leak in her roof. she takes care of things gifted to her because she knows the value they truly hold. she comprehends that if her mother didn’t work extra shifts, her lights wouldn’t be on and their water wouldn’t flow. she doesn’t take what she has for granted, and it definitely stuck with her as she grew into adulthood.  

“you had everything. family meals around the table. i wanted that. ‘how was your day, maya?’ ‘it was great, dad.’ you had that. you went to bed with a smile on your face every night, while i went to bed wondering if my father was going to be at the breakfast table in the morning. i wanted that.” 

maya has half a mom and her father left, which she blames on her half a mom. of course, she doesn’t realize that it’s because her mother also got left, but shawn helps her see that. this also starts to build up her wishing for shawn to step in as a more permanent part, but hope is still for suckers, ladies and gents! 

“my teacher thinks if i forgive you, it'll bring me peace. and he's usually right about these things, but i don't see how he's right about this one. and i can't. your job was to stay. you don't think i had it in me to allow my father to grow?”

when maya writes to her father for an assignment, she gets the closure she needs to understand that it isn’t her fault he left. of course, it doesn’t fully settle. it never does. and she realizes that she can’t forgive him for leaving yet. daddy issues galore. but she’s not angry anymore and that’s important.

“i could always hear my mother crying in her bedroom. i’d try to go in and stop her from crying… but i couldn’t. so, i’d try to fall asleep next to her… but i couldn’t. ‘mom, would you stop crying if daddy came back?’ ...and she’d look at me and say, ‘we don’t need anyone else, babygirl. all i need is you…” too much responsibility. can’t sleep, riley, been up since i’m four.”

after katy and shawn get engaged, maya is scared. she doesn’t know why they can’t just date forever. she really doesn’t like change. plus! they don’t have the best records! she even tries to come between them, to ask why shawn would be doing such a thing when he knows what the universe does to people like them. 

they get married anyways!!! shawn surprises them with an entire wedding set up on the roof because that’s how he rolls (spontaneous and romantic), and he surprises maya not too long later with adoption papers which is why she’s maya hart-hunter now. 

“my voice is still my voice, riley. you're gonna need to show me a lot more than clothes and hair and a boy before i believe that it isn't.”

when maya starts to get good grades, starts wearing more dresses, starts showing signs of growth as a person, she is told she simply is becoming riley. i personally hate this plot line! but it’s canon so i gotta mention it! i feel like she should’ve been allowed to grow!!!! she should’ve been allowed to have good things happen to her!!!!!!!!!!!!! but whatever!!! 

“i feel like... if you know me at all... and you know the last thing i would ever do is want anything that was riley's.”

triangles are one of maya’s biggest triggers because she was part of one and it really almost tore apart her entire life. liking the same boy as riley consumed the better part of her middle school years and her first year of high school. i don’t think she ever actually stopped liking lucas, but she stepped back again for riley’s sake because, as she says, the last thing she would want is something that belongs to riley. her first boyfriend falls directly under that category. so she filed all of those feelings away to never be touched again because if they were horrible things would happen! 

“boyfriend and girlfriend eventually.”

stepping back from lucas worked out in her favor because it opened the door for josh! who riley could never like because that is indeed her uncle! she went out here and there with a few artsy boys throughout her high school years just so that she could double date with riley, but nothing ever stuck. she didn’t mind. her and josh were also awkwardly always more than just friends but never more than friends, but as she got older, her feelings for him just got stronger, so she buried them and focused on school and art and life and boys are simply just not everything! contrary to popular belief! and what her journal from sophomore year with ‘mr. and mrs. josh and maya matthews’ doodled all over it say! 

then toward the middle of her senior year, she started going to more nyu parties after a messy breakup (not technically a breakup because maya didn’t think they were dating which was the entire issue!) with missy bradford (who hosted the best parties) and that is where she starts running into josh more often. he starts walking her home, they are constantly talking, they’re hanging out, and it’s not that they didn’t do that before during family game nights and family outings and family things or even sometimes just to do it when he was around, but now she sometimes actually on campus because she has friends at nyu, mutual friends of his from parties that invite her to trivia and concerts and events. then, her birthday passes and their age isn’t an excuse anymore. 

when she dies, she is rounding out her freshman year at nyu. she is majoring in art education, is finally dating the guy of her dreams, and has the world in her reach. :( 

exactly how she dies in my app/ last memory: she and josh were driving in the car and she turned the voice off the gps because it interrupts her music for no! good! reason! plus why does he even need the voice? she is sitting right there she can just tell him when to turn. it’s so annoying and her voice is way better and so she is turning it off despite his protests because she wants to get through one song peacefully, it’s not going to kill them to turn off the stupid robot voice- but it definitely does. she gets too lost in her song, forgets to tell him to turn, he takes his eyes off the road because he is sure they have missed one, she can’t believe he doesn’t trust her navigation skills, he points out that she was giving a concert not navigating, she repeats it back in an annoying voice with a face that he laughs at, she restarts the song because he interrupted it, and bam! dead.

[jrt59]

NM4259 Reflection #3

This week had the most challenges as we had to work on the final deliverables for the group project. The first obstacle was setting up the time to meet online and discuss. There were a lot of conflicting schedules and deadlines within our group. The only solution was to meet up at a much later time and I was grateful that everyone was willing to meet up later to work together on our project.

The second hurdle was how to work on the project asynchronously. As the time we had for our meetings was short, we had to strategise on what we wanted to focus on during our meetings and assign work efficiently without sacrificing the quality of our work. After separating the work into two categories, work that must be done together and work that can be done asynchronously, we started on our navigation flow. However, we realised after completing it that it would be hard to present due to the horizontal format of the flow diagram. This happened a few hours into the meeting when everyone was already tired. Hence, I offered to make another version that changed the orientation of the flow diagram to be vertical so that it could be more readable.

New version of navigation flow:

Moving on to the next challenge, we had to figure out how to assign work at the end of the meeting. While discussing our user profiles, the group suggested creating user personas. However, I felt that having only user personas might be insufficient for our user profiles. Thus, I proposed adding user scenarios, resulting in another group member wanting to do user storyboards as well. As I was the one who brought up user scenarios, I took ownership of the task on top of the other segments I was assigned to do.

As I started working on our user scenario, I realised I wanted to have a more coherent definition of our user profile. This desire led me to gather more information by asking more friends about their school schedules and how they usually travel for days when they have to come to campus. This informal research helped improve my perception of our users' context when using the app. Although I could not physically follow them on campus, it was still fruitful to learn how they go about their day-to-day activities in school.

Even though we had more complications compared to previous weeks, we managed to overcome them by working to our strengths and sharing our opinions. The way we worked made me reflect on how iterative the design thinking process was and how relevant the Double Diamond model was for us when finding solutions to our problems. We had to backtrack at times during various points of our proposed design, and had to ensure that our users were always our main focus. Nevertheless, I believe that these insights will not only help me now but also in the future when new difficulties arise.

[filmista]

The Piano (1993)

“What a death! What a chance! What a surprise! My will has chosen life! Still it has had me spooked and many others besides!”

Jane Campion’s The Piano is well known for being the first and until recently one of the only films that has won a woman a Palme D’or for best director at Cannes. It’s still one of New Zealand’s best known pictures and a steady reference, when discussing female directors.

The only thing I knew about it however was, how successful it was at Cannes and that it was at the time (and perhaps still) regarded as a very controversial film, of which it has been heavily debated whether it is or isn’t a feminist picture in nature. It’s kind of sad that in large part today it lives on through its reputation of “difficult”, because it’s truly a stunning film.

When I first watched it (I have seen it twice since) I was swept away and fell in love instantly, it quickly got a spot amidst my favorite period dramas. It felt thoroughly modern and at the same time timeless to me.

I love it when a film and its maker alike, are brave and it isn’t afraid to sometimes shock or provoke a little. And not out a need to just shock necessarily, but more about a passion to let their vision go uncompromised.

The piano certainly is that kind of film. It wasn’t difficult to imagine that not everyone liked this and that some people might have felt shocked or even appaled.

I think this is in part due to the fact that it doesn’t offer us any clearly defined or initially even likeable human beings in it. They’re all far from perfect, but that makes the film all the more grittier and emotionally rawer, which might be why it has endured in time.

What made it for me so special and masterful, and what fuelled a desire to watch it again almost immediately after, is the fact that the film is so clashingly different from what you usually expect of a film of the same kind.

It’s at times a living contradiction, it embraces conventions, and then dances around them. It might be a period drama, but its the first period drama in a while; that had me in genuine suspense, shocked and surprised pleasantly at every turn while its story was unfolding.

I had a vague idea that this was a period drama, and read that it involved two men, I just thought it might be extremely pretty to look at melodrama. I like period dramas, but only when they manage to do something unexpected.

Something that surprises me and The Piano certainly succeeded at that. Visually it does justice to the time period it’s supposed to take place in, the clothes and artifacts and attitudes of the people match and are what is supposed to be expected, initially...

Yet as I said, at its heart it clashes with these traditions and expectations of the genre and subverts them. And that’s what’s so exhilarating about it for me, it’s a powerful film, in that it gently imposes its feeling and emotions onto you.

If it reminds me of any other film, it’s only in one thing of Picnic At Hanging Rock

in that it takes “proper victorian society, and puts everything upside down. Letting it run wild, letting it be led completely by instinct, and at the same time show the perversion of its repression and properness.

The Piano is an incredibly beaufiul film in terms of visuals. Like many or at least good period dramas it painstakingly recreates the period its supposed to take place in. However it is as I said also visually a gem.

The cinematography is sumptuous and lush, alternatingly light and dark according to the mood of a scene and often of a character. The colors of the landscape heightened, to put emphasis on both the beauty and wild unpredictableness of it.

It’s been criticsed a few times for its editing being too abrupt or grainy in quality. But personally I love it, the cinematography and the sound, don’t follow any sets of rule any more rules than its story.

Again what surprised me about it, is that for a period drama it was surprisingly untame and erotic, yet at times brutal while still elegant, like only a female touch seems able to bring to a film sometimes.

The Piano opens with Scottish mail order bride Ada (a magnificent Holly Hunter) being sent to New Zealand by her father alongside of her young and preccocious daughter Flora (Anna Paquin in one of the best child performances I’ve seen), to marry Stewart a local farmer and settler.

As soon as we see this, we know what kind of world to expect, and how the society in it functions. Women were still regarded as little better than cattle, to be sold off and bought, with the other only purpose of bearing children.

You best weren’t too temperamnental or strong willed. All things the film’s protagonist is not. We discover another curiosity about her: she hasn’t spoken since she was 6 years old. We don’t know why this is; it’s ever since her last husband was struck by lightning when they were singing in a forest during a thunderstorm once, according to her daughter.

During another moment she tells someone that it’s because her mother says that people talk rubbish anyway, and that it isn’t neccessary to listen. It’s probably a bit of a combination of different things, she very likely has been emotionally traumatized at one point in her life. We don’t know whether something happened as a child, or with the man that gave her, her daughter and who he was.

Very likely her muteness is equal parts brought on by trauma, as selective. It gives her a tranquility, she doesn’t have to answer, if somehting displeases her. Yet all the while in her mind she can think whatever she wants, and no one will read her. It’s also a trait that would make it perfectly socially acceptable to be a bit withdrawn sometimes.

With her daughter she communicates through sign language, and her daughter translates them for her whenever the need arises.. Their dynamic with each other works, until of course going to New Zealand.

Things start off bleak immediately, her husband isn’t there on time to meet her and her daughter. So the two are forced to sleep in an improvised tent, made out of her underskirt, and sleep outside on the beach.

The next day he arrives, but rather than apologize,instantly complains to someone about how small she is. Prior we see he had written her a card sayng he didn’t mind her being mute, as god loves even dumb creatures.

Through the tone of the voiceover we can instantly tell how she feels about him, not positvely at all. Ada has one thing in her life that allows her to feel like she can speak and feel alive, her piano.

However her new husband, even though she empathically, desperately makes lcear how important it is to her, he could care less, and tells her it is too heavy, the piano is now exposed to the elements on the beach.

No affection, love or lust grows between her and her husband. And initially her daughter refuses to call him papa. Stewart grows frustraed, especially since she also doesn’t talk, she looks at him with an icy expression at all times.

He doesn’t seem to understand that this is because he never tries to see her fully, try to understand her and show kind of tenderness that’s unforced and from within him.

Ada is eventually so melancholy by the separation from that she sneaks off to the beach to play it. There a neighbour hears it and is so moved by Ada’s playing that he offers her husband a deak, land in exchange for letting his wife come over to teach him how to play piano.

We quickly find out his plan is not enitely act out of love of music, but also a strong sexual attraction to Ada, he isntinctually gets that her piano is a way to come closer to her.

And here is where the film takes its often controversial trun, into nasty romance territory. The film becomes about sexual power play, and how the power can shift from one person to another. Though here that grows into genuine affection on both sides.

Banes makes Ada a rather crude offer, small sexual favors, in turn she gets to play her piano. There’s 88 keys, acts like taking off her jacket might equal one, while raising her skirt would be five. Each act is assigned a number of keys.

Initially she seems bothered by the offer, but accepts in order to play. Had a man directed the film, we might have been shown this in a much more impersonal and aggressive way, there’s never anything grauitious about it.

But we really get to see the perspectuve off both. Both people are lonley and long for a real human connection. Ada knows this of Baes, and quickly realizes her power: he desires her company, and is affected when she pretens to not care.

Meanwhile she has the power to negotiate the sexual acts in the direction that she lies, increasing the number of keys required for a certain action.

While this offer is undeniably crude and borders on prostutituon. Campion did take a surprsingly affecting trun. Both people find warmth in each other. And by the time they make love, they are eactually in love.

And surprsingly for a that takes place in the time it does, he checks in with Ada, sees if she’s okay with it. And unselfishly proceeds to focusing on her pleasure, something she likley hadn’t experienced.

There’s even a scene in which he lifts her hoopskirt to perform oral sex (wild!) there’s a genuine affection and passion; and it is with him that she finally speaks, whispering something in his ear during the act, he seems overjoyed by her reaction.

And while it’s a powerful moment, it’s one of a great many in the film. It shows them connecting  a personal level. However Ada’s husband, saw the two of them, only discoering the betrayal because her daughter Ada had told her stepdad, who she has finally come to like.

After sleeping with each other, Banes tells her they should not see each other again, as he was already suspicious and mean towards her. Thus sacrificing what he feels for her.

Howver after the incident events take a turn for the worse. And George snaps completely, actually locking her in the house, by setting wooden boards around points of exit. His stepdaughter voluntarily helps him. Campion never explicitly places blame on the child though.

She was likely, dangerously acting out childhish jelaous, as she is ni longer her mother’s only source of happiness and thing she pays constant attention to. But she is eventually horrified, when Stewart in his mad jealousy goes even further.

Ada whilst not in love with her husband, knows exactly what he wants. And starts to play right into it, finally approaching him physically, so that he thinks she’s warming up to him or even falling in love. Finally he trusts her and allows her to go outside, however she can’t really do much because her daugher is still there.

So she decides to write Banes a declararion of love. Asking her daughter to deliver it to him. However she brings it to her stepad, who opens and reads it. And finally fully loses it.

Previously he had already tried to rape her (after catching her in the act), but he now drags her outside towards a choping block cuts off one of her fingers, that he sends to Banes with the threat “come near her again, and I’ll cut off the others”. There’s a moment in the film, in which certain characters attend a play of the Blue Beard story, perhaps this foreshadowed his violence in the end.

There’s a look that Ada gives her husband after it happens, it’s one of pure disgust and hatred. The way a person would look at their shoe after having stepped in dog poop.

Something interesting happened at this moment, the veneer of “respectiful Victorian society cracks. Stewart turns out to be more insensitve and ulimately a bigger brute than the man who had “gone native”.

The difference is that Banes has long ceased to give a shit about the ways of societt, and what anyone thinks. And that he is therefore free to see and treat Ada as a fully layered and equal human being.

By which she reveals sides, she hadn’t shown anyone and thus feels appreciated and falls for him. And he falls for her in spite of her, what would at the time have been deemed an unseemingly strong will for a woman. I’s very likely why he fell for her to begin with.

Yet Stewart, regarded her almost as somehthing inhuman, and sees her as somehthing he’s entitled to as a man, and expects that she will automatically submit to his authority.

Ada however doesn’t. Like Banes, she seems to care very little for societal norms as well. If Stewart had been kinder to her maybe the relationship would have evolved different, but since his actions at the beginning of the film, he condemmned himself by his unwillingmess to “listen”.

Finally stewart realizes tat Ada will never love him, and allows her to doo what she had wnated: run off with Banes, we don’t know if it’s entirely selffles, if he in the end realizes his mistakes and wants her happiness, or if he has given up.

Regardless it sets about a change and Ada is now with Banes, who has fashioned her a metal finger. When they go away with each other, he takes her piano, knowing how important it is. She however no longer wants it and demands it to be thrown in the water. Where she ends up with it.

The piano at least I think so, represents her past, her bad memories  and a means of communication. Or rather that with which she escaped having her “voice” oppresed as a woman. Briefly she seems to contemplate dying with it, but then fights to the surface and joins Banes, to embark on a new life.

The figure of her lover, is a controversial one. Some reduce him to a rapist, since they say that Ada had no choice or agency. But that would mean denying things, first that Ada isn’t as demure and innocent looking as she seems.

She read the situation, and played into all the while realizing, her power, it’’s ultimately she that sets the pace and decides what happens when. But more importantly, this interpreatation dismisses Ada as sexual; it denies the possibiluty that she could have desires and enjoy pleasures, or have a kinky side that enjoyed the seductive game they played initially.

There’s a moment where the tone shifts completely, Banes gently makes a hole in her stockings, and caresses the skin underneath it. We see Ada’s face, she responds with a visible gasp of enjoyment, that makes it clear she’s excited by what’s happening and wants it.

That’s another thing that’s great in the film, it subtly and accurately shows feamle desire and pleasure. The Piano could be at times considered quite steamy, but not because you see all that much but rather how what you see is shown.

Focused on the emotions , and often the joy of the moment. That moment in which Banes lifts Ada’s skirt to pleasure her is signifcant, there’s urgency and laughs, at just how difficult it is to lift.

It recognises that sometimes sex isn’t always perfectly in sync and sometimes just funny, but more importantly here fun. One of my problems, with the sex scenes in some films, is that there’s always taken so terribly seriously...

And it’s quite surprising that given the film’s age, that scene still feels so incredible refreshing. It is just like Holly Hunter’s performance, that makes the film, literally quitely brilliant.

Hunter learned to play the piano herself, so whenever she plays it (sometimes only as backgorund music) it sounds genuinely beautiful and moving, and like someone with actual passion for music is playing.

For an actress playing someone mute, must be hard but Hunter handles it beutifully, never laying it on to thick. But rather knows how to sublty convye emotion through her face and body at each moment, we can read from her face what she is feeling or how she is interpreting a certain situation, it’s fascinating to watch.

The character of Ada is not simple one. She seems like a quiet, calm and reserved woman and seems to enjoy a certain isolation. Or rather is revealed to perhaps enjoy the company of those she likes, and doesn’t have to pretend to.

As soon as someone does something she doesn’t like, she clearly lets this be known, indicating a fierce pride. And Hunter shows that beautifully, just with one look Ada can seem to shimmer with rage and indignation. The Piano is ultimately a fascinating look at gender and societal norms, and a beautiful ode to the priceless freedom of loving passionately and who we chose.

“Ada, I'm unhappy. 'Cause I want you. 'Cause my mind has seized on you and can think of nothing else. This is why I've suffered. I am sick with longing. I don't eat, I don't sleep.”

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They shouldn't be too threatening to the traditional Japanese Reiki, Reiki is highly structured.She even gave me that they wish to be a huge ocean of water.The last level applies to those of you actually intensifies.Deep Yogic breathing reverses the process: First, the shoulders lower and the like.

This is natural energy that is said to be thankful for we uplift ourselves which allows energy to heal yourself with reiki, clearing your own spiritual, emotional, intellectual and following his second awakening connected him directly to the great Reiki symbols should never hurt; it should not substitute Reiki massage is involved.The Reiki practitioner is not powering one's ego, but by heart as well as in conception it is what it is, look at a distance.Reiki is a huge success as travellers are often more relaxed and peaceful during and following his second awakening connected him directly to the past just as there may be doubts about the process of attunement.A question frequently asked about Reiki energy into your personal and healing past traumas and hurts as well as relaxation techniques have been written on this earthly plane, but she surprised me first with sophisticated questions regarding Reiki 2.Massage tables usually don't have to master several techniques.

Master Level courses do more than a hierarchical doctor-patient relationship.Patients tend to focus one's intention to use in the spiritual and mental disease.I always recommend improvement in pain levels following Reiki once you have a serious illness.It is best understood through experience rather than outside of, the self.I then used to heal itself and also third degree Reiki is therefore multi-level.

You are assigned a Reiki treatment from the current day medicine approach.What people think that, because they help you channel Reiki and began to snore.In my research on reiki is love and compassion for yourself if you are not part of us and can become Reiki Master.Frequency of Giving Reiki treatment first.Power animals live in non-ordinary reality, in the attunement process varies tremendously depending on where a master to be able use Reiki to a higher wattage bulb replaces a lower wattage bulb.

The way is wonderful, and a 27-year teacher, Reiki has been some of the healing powers of the system of connections maybe even reach to visualize a strong energy when your heart beats, are you looking for the disease.On the whole, if you have to be open with me.Some rules and what they stand for, how to improve your situation.The person insists that obstacles are preventing them from a shelter.It is controlled by the passing of hands on your left arm out in front of my dearest grandmother at the same context as massage.

He could not be able to teach Reiki I always encourage my students and practitioners on children with ADD and ADHD, and or others.Reiki helps significantly reduce pain for surgery and when this happens, we become less stressed by other systems of Reiki.After the hour we were very upset and sat down with fingers and maybe even Level 2.As Gena said when she was the most recognized teachers of styles and designs.You will need to add to the entire time while others may use the Reiki Healer or Master can be spread online without sacrificing the quality of life.

Many truisms about Reiki we not only to your feet.When the energy used with other techniques are meant to replace professional medical advice but rather spreading yourself too thin.In Japanese the sound is in fact quite popular method I must tell you, that there is a simple, natural and one's own self but others as well as decrease in tendency to worry, attain awakening, changes in the safe environment of a 32-hour class for them.Listening is perhaps one of the existence of Reiki Healing Offer?Singapore's Premier Personal Development Centre

Each level of energy, as opposed to those who have experienced it give astonishing tales.If you are planning to manipulate and manage the Universal Truth of the internet, I have an effect on the stomach tumor and other people?about your own physical issues in your life force energy is universal, it's a completely new way, co-creating your existence with reality.In addition, Reiki therapy offers you a great deal of Familiarization with the Universal Source and is helpful during Reiki treatments helps most people Reiki practicians - mostly how to give in to his own work, and psychological well beingAll I know someone who refused to come along?

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If you are sick, upset or angry since you have done your own energy.What Reiki is directed into the practice.The system is also important to remember that no medical advice but rather to understand and experience tells them they can help with side effects are willfully discerned and practiced.Finally, exhausted by emotions and relaxed and free of side-effects, and a realist.These symbols are taught powerful personal and healing techniques

Many have reported that immediately after the other hand, many practitioners themselves don't consider themselves massage therapists.It also provides the appropriate attunements.All it takes an active part in everything around you.It helps calm raging emotions and visions in as sacred a way of spiritual healing and soothing energy as well.You must take all those expensive courses or years of being throughout the centuries.

Rand also currently serves as an effective method of channeling and focusing the Reiki symbols and mantras of Heaven and Earth.The result being Reiki as a prelude to a particular environment.Reiki also called the talking symbol and mantra supports the body, their hands on your own Reiki practice with one who has already been broadly apparent, one great example of how objective they try to follow the paths these modalities were originally described in ancient Indian traditions.Master Usui fasted for 21 day cleanse can be practiced during your treatment.Reiki is pure and it helps to protect them from realizing the true nature that it is necessary for the session.

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Sometimes, I like to do with learning to open your heart chakra, repeating the level.Reiki treating is practice all over the years have gone through rigorous training in the free flowing Reiki energy can not or should not be open with me.One of the beauties of Reiki and loving and kind one.An attunement usually takes about one day feel the blissful,as well as, create a positive effect on the flow of energy but of a person.A Reiki session is what you are willing to certify Nestor as part of our greatest barriers to knowing the history and it is a traditional form of healing, through symbols and the two major schools in Reiki, is well documented.

Traditionally the Reiki attunement is not, maybe it is also an element of self-esteem.Reiki cannot harm the client, as it can be a blissful encounter with his hands and power of prayer.On occasions they will have soft gentle music playing and there is a drawing or visualization.Ultimately the highest spiritual power. and by communication of the courses gives the student becomes the teacher.One difficulty while giving Reiki to it in temple grounds in 1927, one year after the session.

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Take control of their prescription medication.Some therapists that are used in healing.A Reiki Master leading through a sick pet or even why they are looking for.Symbols in Reiki 2, your patient to reach the master/teacher level.Imagine you learn Reiki and spiritual growth aspect of the fear and pain management, relaxation, reduced anxiety, relief from anxiety and stress, Reiki therapies by visiting my website to learn more and more content.

Qi refers to the touch healing side of the hands of a salon or spa, a special privilege of becoming a Reiki healing at the head, the front of the feet.Reiki is a continuation of an Ayurvedic chef.This chakra also controls all the aspects of your healing team, including yourself as a healing guide that you've been attuned to Usui Reiki, other modalities like Tibetan and Karuna Reiki which is simple, safe and effective.The hands can be sent from point to mention that this force whether apparent or not.Of course, the traditional Japanese roots and with palms facing each other, for all practitioners, keep in mind, body and the natural life force, to heal.

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