#but like i kind of need to get back into therapy asap

[kittykatinabag]

Me waiting for my university to give me the voucher code for the off campus therapy they're partnered with so I can finally get mental healthcare for free for the first time in my life.

[roebeanstalk]

6/2 Update: Security deposit has been paid!! Thank you so much to everyone for the help 💚 I still have to pull together all of June rent for my current place which is $675. Thank you everyone for all of the help so far 💚

I’m asking for help with June rent, which is $675 and needs to be paid ASAP.

Cashapp https://cash.app/clawshot

venmo https://venmo.com/rmck89

ko-fi https://ko-fi.com/roebeanstalk

Any help at all is super appreciated. Every dollar adds up, and shares are so helpful too. I know that I’ve received so much help from people in the past and I can’t thank you all enough. I hope that this is the last of these that I have to do.

Needs:

June rent: $23/$675

Security Deposit: $495/495 Paid 💚

Bonus:

July rent (First month at new place): $495

Movers + Uhaul: $300-350

More info on my situation under the cut!

Thank you so, so so much.

I have a history of mental health issues, and as a result I have a very difficult time getting and maintaining employment. My mental health also impacts my ability to keep up with and complete freelance/commission work in a timely manner. While I have made some incredible steps forward lately thanks to the right combo of therapy, medication, and a support system, I am still not at a point where I am self-sufficient yet. I am getting there – and I am committed to keep trying no matter what.

Original post blurb, taken out of main post since deposit has been paid:

My landlord has decided not to move forward with me as a tenant due to my history with payment/mental health. While this is frustrating as heck, it’s allowed me to find a better, more affordable housing situation. I have signed a lease at a new place and move in July 1st!Once the deposit is paid, my space on the lease is officially secured and I am good to go. This is the main thing that I am looking for help with.

Why I need help:

This new housing situation is incredible for me – it’s a room in a quiet house with two other queer folk, and the rent is very affordable compared to my current situation. The new place is $485/month, the current place is $675/month. Even with utilities, my total overhead for shelter will cost less than rent at my current place. If I can secure my spot in this house and move forward, I see such a clear path forward for me in terms of self-improvement and self-sufficiency.

For the first time in 15 years, I feel like I can tackle the things ahead of me. If you’re able to help out I would really, really appreciate it.

What I’m doing:

I am job hunting for something that works well for my situation. With the cost of rent, I think that a part time job will be able to cover it. The process of getting a job is difficult for me, but I am committed to continuing to work at it.

On the art front, I have occasional comic coloring jobs that help me out. I also have commissions – I have finally been moving forward at a good rate and have been really happy with my work. In time, this will be able to be a more standard income route. I also have a Patreon that brings in about $65/month.

Cashapp https://cash.app/clawshot / venmo https://venmo.com/rmck89 / ko-fi https://ko-fi.com/roebeanstalk

Thank you so much for reading over all of this. Thank you to everyone who has helped with donations or kind words or reblogs. Thank you so much to every commissioner and customer who has been patient as hell with me on artwork, communication, and stickers. Thank you thank you thank you. Thanks to every single one of you I have been able to keep pushing myself forward, and I'm so happy to keep doing it and make good on everything. And eventually, give back to my community. I love you all so much, even though i don't know any of you that well. Thank youuuu. <3

[ramblingthoughtsofayoungadult]

Unpredictable, Part 2-Limoreau x black!fem!reader fic

A/N: Thanks for all the love on the first part! I decided to use feminine and masculine pronouns to refer to Jordan when they are in those respective forms but they/them when referring to them as a person (it'll make sense when you read it). Also, I accidentally made it a slow burn.

Warnings: Drug and alcohol use, swearing, and sensuality.

Word count: 6.6k

Series Masterlist

Getting ready to go out could be stressful but it was meditative for me. The extra care in the shower, paying more attention to how I applied lotion and other skincare to my skin, and taking my time with my makeup was like a mini therapy session. Twice’s “Moonlight Sunrise” filled my room as I carefully sprayed braid spray on sections of my scalp. When I was halfway done with my edges, my phone started buzzing.

E: Are u busy?

I quickly typed back, Kind of but what’s up?

E: Can you come by my dorm ASAP? M needs help getting ready 2 go out.

I nearly messed up my edges over her words despite my previous premonition. While the premonition did not have to come true or mean anything, the buzzing underneath my skin would not stop. Though I tried seven times, I could not get anything else about what would happen tonight.

If only you were stronger, a voice hissed in the back of my head.

It was irritating not being able to see what I wanted when I wanted but, that was a large reason I applied to Godolkin in the first place. This was the place where supes perfected their abilities, whether they got into the Seven or not.  So, with years of practice under my belt, I shoved all the thoughts deep down into my subconscious and texted Emma that I would be there in about twenty minutes.

As I was heading downstairs, Alina, and Sasha, the third and fourth most important sorority members, were laughing and talking in the foyer. They both wore white crop tops and dark jeans with wedges.

Alina spotted me first and smiled. “Y/N, looking as amazing as usual.” Her dark brown hair was flat-ironed to frame her sculpted face.

“Oh my gosh, is that a Blumarine dress?” Sasha gushed, green eyes boring into the pink ruffle halter dress I wore.

“Yes, I’m so glad that I found it when I did,” I replied.

When I finally got to face them, I somehow felt as though they were looking down on me even though I was a couple of inches taller than all of them. Their bright veneers could fool anyone and did so on a regular basis.

“Where are you off to? A date?” Alina asked.

 It was always easier to lie to them.

 “Yes, he’s taking me to that sushi place off campus I’ve been dying to try,” I affirmed.

 “Is it Andre? That would make so much sense, you’d be such a cute couple!” Alina cheered.

 Sasha stepped towards me and placed her French-manicured hand on my shoulder. “Remember, Y/N, it’s important to have fun but you are a representative of Si Chi and you must uphold everything that means no matter the setting.”

Despite the smile and warmth in her eyes, I knew that there was a viper ready to strike at any second.  

I smiled. “I would not dream of doing anything else.”

“Great. Besides, you have to use your connections wisely.” She turned and waltzed back towards her friends, the scent of her Juicy perfume fresh in my nose.

“Do you two have plans tonight?” I asked.

Alina nodded. “We’re going to meet a few of the Phi Beta Pi girls and go to a kegger at Alpha Tau.”

Sounds horrible.

“Be safe and don’t forget that you’re representatives of the house,” I called over my shoulder as I made my way out of the house.

Seconds after Emma opened the door, her face fell.

“Of course, you’re also going out with the Top Five,” she joked while letting me in.

“I can text Cate and see if it’s cool if you come,” I offered.

Emma shook her head. “No, I’ll be okay.”

I narrowed my eyes at her too-wide smile and overeager eyes. As good as she was at comedic acting, she was a horrible liar. It would have been nice if she could have come along too.

“Next time, okay?”

“Sure, if I’m not busy.” Emma flipped her blonde bob and I laughed.

Then, I turned to Marie, who was standing on the other side of the room, looking at herself in the mirror. She was wearing a pair of flared blue pants with platform boots and a gold jacket. It was something I was positive Emma wore to one of the many graduation parties she insisted on attending.

“You look good,” I complimented.

Marie jumped and turned to me, raising her eyebrows at me. “Thanks, and you look…wow, um, really good.”

My stomach flipped at her words, and I mentally shook my head as I accepted her compliment. “You look ready to me so why did you summon me, Emma?”

“Because I’m bad at makeup,” Emma deadpanned as she flopped onto her desk chair. “But, you’re good at the whole looks-like-skincare-but-glam thing.”

I turned to Marie. “You don’t need makeup, though.”

“Neither do you but, I thought I would put in a little effort,” she admitted.

“Ooh, are you trying to impress someone? Luke’s ass really is that spectacular,” Emma sang while wiggling her eyebrows.

“Shut up!” Marie yelped, eyes widening.

 I laughed at her response and she glanced at me, looking sheepish. “If you insist, come lie down.” I gestured to her bed.

Marie followed my lead and I forced myself to exhale as normal as possible as I straddled her waist. I set my makeup bag within a reachable distance and started rifling for products.

“Do you have anything on your face now?” I asked.

“Uh, soap and lotion?” Marie replied.

I almost dropped my Fenty highlighter and stared at her. “You don’t have a skincare routine?”

Marie shook her head. “Is that bad?”

“Kind of, and it’s unfair since your skin is good.” I slowly set the items I wanted on the bed and turned back to her. “What kind of look are you going for?”

“Can you make her look like Rihanna?” Emma asked.

 “I can only do so much with makeup,” I called back.

“Something like what you have would be okay. Nothing too much,” Marie requested.

“Fine, just know I can’t do the exact same thing since we have different undertones and coloring. Just relax.”

Marie nodded and closed her eyes. I zoned out a bit as I carefully applied primer and concealer to her face and dusted highlighter on her cheeks.

“So, who invited you out?” I asked as I applied a light layer of gold eyeshadow to Marie’s eyelids.

“Oh, Andre. I ran into him earlier tonight and we kind of stopped a crazy guy together,” she recounted.

“Wait, what?” I sat up and Marie opened her eyes.

“Yeah, there was this guy running around talking about not going back to the woods,” Marie explained.

“Someone was off their meds, I mean that as sensitively as possible,” Emma commented.

 “And Andre and I stopped him from hurting himself or anyone else,” Marie concluded.

 Knowing Andre, he was definitely going to brag about it for most of the night. We got along fine but his pride got the better of him sometimes.

“Well, it looks like you’re already proving you should be in crim with me,” I asserted.

 Marie smiled slowly and I urged her to lay back down so that I could finish her makeup. She nearly head-butted me when I started spraying the setting spray, but my reflexes were too quick.

 “Chill, it’s setting spray,” Emma joked.

 “Sorry, I wasn’t expecting that,” Marie muttered.

 “I’ll warn you next time. But you are officially ready to go.” I slipped off her bed and pulled my strappy heels back on. “I’ll pick up my makeup bag later.”

 “Sounds good.” Emma jumped out of her chair and grabbed Marie’s hands. “Please remember to have fun because you’re not just doing this for you.”

  Marie laughed. “Okay, I’ll remember that.”

  I pulled their door open with one hand and grabbed Marie’s hand with the other. “And I’ll remember to make sure that you don’t do everything Emma would do.”

 Emma quirked a brow. “So, there’s a chance?”

 I rolled my eyes at my friend and tugged Marie into the hallway. As we walked, we passed some rooms with loud bass heavy music, and some making noises that I did not think were humanly possible. One made it hard for me to contain my laughter and I let out a snort.

 “Wow,” Marie commented.

  I apologized quickly.

  “There’s nothing to apologize for; I just didn’t think you were capable of making a noise like that.”

  As I moved to playfully nudge her, I realized that our hands were still clasped together. How long had it been, twenty or thirty seconds? That was longer than I held hands with anybody. I carefully let go of her hand.

  “My bad,” I apologized.

  “No, it’s fine,” she insisted.

   Nights like these were nice since the campus was mostly empty, save for the handful of students boldly wandering around campus inebriated. There was the occasional excited scream or cheer during our walk to the parking lot. At one point, Marie and I had to high-five some drunk guys as they rushed past.

   “Do you ever get used to it?” Marie asked.

  “The drunk kids? It’s kind of required,” I answered.

  “I mean all this stuff.” Marie gestured to the campus. “Keeping up with everything must be exhausting.”

 “I guess you’re forced to if you want to be successful here.”

  A cool breeze whipped past us, and a chill ran from the base of my spine to the rest of my body. I folded my arms over my chest in a feeble attempt to keep warm.

“You sure you don’t want to go back for a jacket?” Marie asked.

“I’ll be fine, it’s what liquor jackets are for anyway,” I replied.

 “So, what should I expect for tonight?”

“Have you ever seen a Pitbull music video?”

 “Maybe once.”

 “So that mixed with molly, coke, and whatever they have on hand.” I turned to her and noticed the frown between her eyebrows. “Hey, you’ll be great tonight, everyone’s gonna love you.”

 “Not if Jordan’s a part of it,” Marie scoffed.

 Of course, Andre did not tell her about who was coming on this night out.

 “Try not to worry about them. This could be a chance for you two to get to know each other better,” I tried.

  Marie stopped and looked at me. “They’re coming tonight?”

 “Yeah, they are number two.”

  Marie groaned. “They better not ruin my night.”

 “It’s okay, Andre already likes you, Cate and Luke will like you too, and you have me,” I said, extending an arm.

  Marie glanced at it for a moment before looping her arm through mine and we continued our walk. It was a nice, peaceful silence between us and I did not know whether I wanted to break it or relish it. At home, there was no such thing as peaceful silence; just the calm before all the cursing.

  “Hey, Y/N,” Marie started.

   I hummed in response.

  “What’s your deal with Jordan?”

  “We’re…friends, I think. Last year, I didn’t want to go near them for the longest time, but Cate invited me to train with all of them once. After that, they were nicer to me.”

   Marie nodded. “You seemed really comfortable with them.”

   “It’s really fun to mess with them.”

   Marie looked at me as if I was crazy and I grinned in response. Jordan was always wound up and they could not always rely on drugs to decompress. I could not pinpoint when I started being more playful with them since it sort of started out of nowhere. At least they were receptive.

   “Your heartbeat’s picking up,” Marie shared.

   I exhaled, “I always get anxious before social stuff, even if I know everyone who will be there.”

  “That sucks. How do you deal with it?”

   “Alcohol, when it’s available, and dancing. My mom thought dance lessons would help me build more confidence than therapy. Plus, it’s basically guaranteed to be acceptable in any setting.”

   After a few more minutes, we finally reached the parking lot and I ignored the chill on my back as we approached Luke, Cate, Andre, and Jordan. They were all standing around Luke’s car, but Jordan and Cate were passing a joint while Luke and Andre were laughing. Andre was the first to notice us and grinned.

  “Hey, you made it,” Andre greeted.

  “Yeah, Y/N is a great guide,” Marie complimented.

  Cate smiled and handed the joint back to Jordan before walking over and hugging me. “It’s been too long since I’ve seen you. You look all grown up now.”

 “It’s been three months, Cate,” I laughed as I slowly pulled away from her. “I love the corset.”

 “Thanks, nice earrings,” she replied.

  “Y/N, are you trying to steal my girlfriend?” Luke teased as he approached us.

  I shook my head and couldn’t help the stupid grin that worked its way on my face. “I would never think about it.”

  His hug was a lot stronger than Cate’s, which made sense considering his ability. Despite his status, Luke was always nice to everyone, including Cate’s little mentee.

  Andre made quick work of introducing Marie to everyone and I stiffened when he got to Jordan. “Have you met Jordan?”

  Jordan narrowed his eyes at Marie. “Yeah, we’ve met.”

  “Are you going to reject me from this outing too?” she shot back.

  “Love too.”

  I wandered over to Jordan and put my hand on his shoulder. “Please play nice.”

 “I can’t promise anything,” he muttered.

 “Well, I like both of you and hope you can get along for a couple of hours.” I turned to Marie, mustering the best puppy eyes I could, and she smiled softly.

  “Fine with me.”

  Jordan rolled his eyes, agreed, and took another hit from the joint. He smirked as he extended it towards me. “What do you say, freshie?”

  “I am a year younger than you!” I griped.

  “And you’ll always be my little freshman,” he teased.

   “Anyway, a Si Chi girl would never be caught smoking or vaping.”

 “And you’re a good little Si Chi girl.”

 “I’m the secretary!”

 “As much as I hate to interrupt this,” Andre interjected, “I’d like to get the night started.”

 “How are we all gonna fit?” Marie asked as we made our way to the car.

 “We’ll make it work,” Luke replied as he slid into the front seat.

  Obviously, Cate took the front passenger seat, leaving Jordan, Andre, Marie, and me in the back. Jordan climbed in first, I followed him, Marie followed me, and Andre squeezed in last. I glanced at Marie and began pushing myself to sit on her lap when a strong arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me in the other direction. Seconds later, I glanced down at Jordan who eyed me expectantly.

 “Why do you look so surprised?” he teased.

 “I just thought it’d be easier if Marie and I were together,” I stated as Luke pulled out of the parking lot.

  Jordan took his time rolling down the window. Then, he took a hit and exhaled the smoke out of it. “Someone has to keep an eye on you.”

 Another shiver ran up my spine and I turned away from Jordan in time for Cate to hand me her phone, which was connected to the aux cord. As soon as I saw “Get Ur Freak On”, I hit play and handed the phone back to her.

 “Nice choice,” Andre complimented before taking a swig from his flask and handing it to me.

 I accepted the flask. “Thank you.”

 The familiar burn down my throat was almost comforting but that also could have been due to the top-shelf whiskey in the flask. When I sat up, I noticed Marie eyeing the flask in my hand curiously.

  “Want some?” I asked.

  “No, thank you,” Marie kindly rejected.

  “Did you just fail to corrupt a freshman?” Jordan rasped in my ear.  

  Reflexively, I swatted Jordan’s shoulder and assured Marie she did not have to do anything she didn’t want to. Fortunately, Andre’s whiskey helped dissolve the tension between the two, or maybe it was just my perception.

   Before I knew it, Cate wiped the host at an exclusive club downtown to give us a booth and as much champagne as we wanted. The place was as crowded as it was in my mind, filled with people, the strobe lights catching the occasional sequin or shiny suit. The music was so loud that it was hard to recognize the songs but I felt like my brain was swimming either way. When we got to our booth, Cate, Andre, and Luke sat on one side while I sat in between Marie and Jordan on the other.

   Seconds after we sat, a hostess in a tiny bandage dress set bottles of champagne and crystal flutes on our table.

  “I love your eyeliner,” I complimented as she began to walk away.

  She thanked me before disappearing into the crowd and Luke laughed.

  “How are you already drunk?” Luke asked.

  “I’m not, I’m just nice.” My argument probably would have been better if I didn’t trip over the “c”.

  “You did drink half of my flask, Y/N,” Andre pointed out.

  I opened my mouth in shock. “Well, it’s not my fault that these two,” I gestured to Cate and Jordan, “didn’t contribute.”

 Luke and Andre busted out laughing while Cate slowly rolled her eyes.

 “Leave her alone, Y/N needs to let loose,” Cate interrupted.

 “Thank you.”

  Luke must have gotten over his earlier comment since he poured three flutes of champagne and handed me one. Immediately I started sipping and giggled as the bubbles burst in my mouth. There must have been something in the air but I felt so light, like I would float away at any second.

   “Is that coke?” Marie’s voice dragged me back to the group.

   In that second, I noticed Cate hand a baggie of powder to Jordan and saw her eyes were slightly red.

    Jordan shook his head. “We did all the coke. This is molly.”

   Marie’s eyes widened and she glanced at me.

  “I can’t do uppers, messes with my powers,” I explained.

  “And we do not want a repeat of New Year’s,” Cate added.

  I bristled at the foggy memory.

  Luke leaned towards Marie. “I don’t really do hard drugs but I microdose shrooms.” He flicked the baggie for emphasis.

   Marie shook her head and smiled. “No, thanks.”

  “Aw, she’s so polite,” Jordan mocked.

  I finished my drink and pushed the flute towards Luke. “Leave her alone, she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to.”

  The last thing I wanted was for Marie to feel pressured into doing anything with them and me by extension. However, she was comfortable enough to drink and even showed off her powers a little bit. We were all in awe when Marie made a droplet of blood from a pinprick on her finger float into a tiny ball before disappearing back into her finger.

  “That’s badass,” Andre declared with a nod as he sipped some champagne.

  “Not bad, Moreau,” Luke added.

   Cate nodded her approval before doing some more molly while Jordan stared at Marie.

   “Come on, you can say it,” I fake encouraged.

   “Fine, she’s decent,” Jordan admitted.

   I leaned my head towards him. “See, that wasn’t so hard.”

   Jordan gently swatted me away and I laughed as I finished off my glass of champagne. Things were already going better than I expected. The night got even better when “American Boy” blared through the speakers.

   Immediately, I yelped as I jumped to my feet, Cate quickly joining with a mischievous smile on her face.  

   “We’ll be out there,” Cate said, gesturing to the dance floor.

    Luke quickly pecked her lips. “Have fun.”

   As I passed Marie, I grabbed her hand. “Come on.”

  She looked a little apprehensive but grinned as she followed me onto the dancefloor. It was warm and there were so many people to push past but it didn’t matter. The beat was infectious as I began to spin, arms above my head. My braids flowed around me as I tossed my head from side to side. In the middle of a spin, I felt a gloved hand grab one of my arms and pull me towards someone.

  When I opened my eyes, Cate’s big blue ones were staring back at me. Red rimmed her irises and her hands moved to my hips. We moved in time together and I couldn’t stop laughing as we did.

  “You’re welcome for saving you from that creep dancing behind you,” she yelled over the music.

  “You will always be my hero,” I gushed.

  She spun me and I giggled as I faced Marie. Marie was swaying to the music, eyes closed, but she looked blissful. My hands found hers and I pulled her to dance with me. She was not a bad dancer at all but I took the lead, swiveling my hips and bobbing my head. At one point, I wrapped my arms around her neck and hugged her.  Slowly, her arms wrapped around my waist, and I hummed at the warmth.

  Cate leaned over me. “Sorry, she’s an affectionate drunk.”

  I gasped but did not move. “I am not drunk!”

  “It’s okay,” Marie laughed.

  “Seriously, I’m not even tipsy,” I added. “I can move if you want, though.”

  “No, it’s fine.”

  The pit of my stomach suddenly felt warm and fuzzy as I danced with my two friends. I closed my eyes and giggled as the champagne bubbles carried my thoughts away. Was this what it was like not to think all the time?

  “Jordan can’t take his eyes off you.” Cate’s whisper jolted me out of my reverie and I pulled away from Marie.

  “What?” I uttered.

  Cate gave me a weird look and nodded her head towards the table. My eyes wandered in that direction and Jordan was staring back at me. Andre was the only one besides him at the table and he was busy flirting with the hostess but Jordan did not look at them. His eyes were like a hawk’s and I felt like a little mouse.

  “They’re watching us dance, it’s fine!” I shouted over the music.

  Cate shook her head. “He’s not looking at all of us.”

   As much as I enjoyed dancing to the next five songs, I could not get Cate’s words out of my head. This was supposed to be my night not to think about anything, but I could feel the rumination looming.

  But there’s nothing to think about. We’re just friends if we’re anything at all and Cate’s been on this since I joined the group, I thought, squashing any others.

  Once “Like That” ended, I let Marie and Cate know I was going to take a break before making my way back to the booth and plopping down next to Jordan.

  “Having fun?” I panted.

  “Yeah, but not as much as you,” he replied.

  “You should join us next time.” I huffed as I flipped my braids over one shoulder and sat up. “Where’re the others?”

  “Luke went off somewhere and Andre is making some girls suffer through his coin trick.”  

  “And you don’t have anyone you like?”

  I thought Jordan paused but he shook his head. “No, but you’ve been entertaining me.”

  Something jolted in my chest like I’d been shocked. I had another sip of champagne to get rid of the feeling and Jordan’s silver rings caught my eyes. Slowly, my fingers slipped over the ones on his middle and right ring fingers.

  “These are pretty,” I mused.

  “Thanks.”

  As my fingers continued slipping over the rings, he moved so that we were holding hands and a chuckle escaped me.

  Jordan’s eyes widened. “What?”

  “You have man hands,” I chortled.

 “Seriously, freshie?” Jordan sighed.

 “It’s true!”

  I couldn’t stop laughing at how his hand engulfed mine, but it was comforting in a way too. It took me a minute to calm down and when I did, my eyes found Marie and Cate on the dancefloor.

  “I’m glad she came tonight,” I said.

  “Yeah, she’s really nice,” he agreed.

  “See, not all strangers are horrible.”  

  “Okay, you were right.”

  I gasped and put my free hand on my chest. “I must be really drunk because you just admitted I was right about something.”

  “Don’t make a big deal out of it,” Jordan groaned.

  “I should’ve been recording because no one will ever believe that Jordan Li admitted they were wrong about something,” I cheered.

  Jordan shook his head. “Don’t let it get to your head.”

  “It’s already there.”

  I didn’t know how long I sat there, laughing and watching Marie and Cate dance. There was something fascinating about seeing Marie in the element and getting along with everyone. She seemed so…free but it was so genuine. How did she manage that?

  “Do you like her?” Jordan asked.

  I blinked and looked back at him. “Huh?”

 “Don’t play dumb. You’ve been flirting with her all night.”  “I have not! I’m being welcoming.”

  “Really, because I’ve never seen you look at anyone like you do with her.”

  “Are you jealous that I’m getting along with someone else?”

  “Why would I be jealous? You’re not going anywhere.”

  Something was off about his tone but I couldn’t put a finger on it. Why would Jordan say that? Marie was my friend and I’ve been treating her like a friend. Why would they care how I acted anyway?

  “I’m thirsty,” I declared.

 “You want me to get you water?”

 I shook my head. “I need Casamigos.”

 Jordan smiled widely. “You sure?”

 “Mmhmm.”

 Jordan stood, pulled me to my feet, and started leading me to the bar. Halfway there, they shifted into their feminine form, becoming even more adept at navigating the crowds. Once we got to the bar, she got the attention of the bartender and ordered the shots. At some point, I started bouncing on my heels as we waited.

 “Hi, Barbie,” a gruff voice sounded behind me.

 I jumped, nearly running into the bar. The man was tall and his mustard yellow suit washed out his pale skin and blonde hair. His smile was all wrong and made my stomach churn.

 “Um, hi, Planters Guy?”

 Jordan burst out laughing next to me, making the man glare at her for a second. She waved her hand in apology and turned towards the bar.

 “It’s Michael, actually, can I get your name?” he stepped closer to me.

 I opened my mouth to respond but Jordan answered.

 “She’s with me.” Her hand slowly slid to the small of my back and pulled me into her side.

 “What if I bought you a drink?” Michael offered.

 I glanced at Jordan. “Well, I guess that’s alright.”

 Jordan rolled her eyes. “Fine.”

The bartender set two trays of shots in front of us and Jordan and I each grabbed one and turned to Michael.

“Thanks for the drinks!”

 Once we got far away enough for him to hear, I burst out laughing and tried not to spill anything.

 “Works every time,” Jordan stated.

 “What am I gonna do when you graduate next year?” I mused.

 “Aw, are you gonna miss me?”

 “I’ll miss how easy it is to get free drinks with you.”

 My face warmed and I ignored the warmth in my stomach. Andre was waiting for us back at the table.

  “Jordan, why’d you change?” Andre asked curiously.

 “Makes it easier to get free drinks,” she answered.

 I plucked a shot from a tray and leaned on Jordan’s shoulder. “I appreciate them in both forms.”

 Jordan seemed to tense under the contact, and I leaned back up, wondering if I’d done something wrong. If I had, she did not act like it as she grabbed a shot and made Andre grab one.

 “Cheers to another year?” Andre suggested.

 “The year Y/N breaks into the Top Fifteen?” Jordan joked, raising an eyebrow.

 I grinned. “Who knows, maybe this is the year I take your spot.”

 “Ooh, bold, Y/N, I like it,” Andre cheered.

 “I’d be more scared if your punches didn’t feel like a kitten pawing at me.”

 “Just cheers!”

  She laughed as the three of us clinked glasses and did the shots. The tequila was smooth as it ran down my throat and I was practically buzzing as I went for the second one.

  “Whoa, are you sure you don’t want to slow down?” Jordan asked.

  “It’s fine, I ate before we went out, I’m not even tipsy,” I insisted.

  Around the third shot, Andre disappeared and by the fifth, everything was blurry, like one of my visions. I think I pouted at the thought.

  Then, the starting chords of “Standing Next to You” filled my ears and my body moved on its own, jumping to my feet.

  “Oh my gosh, they’re playing Jungkook, we have to dance!” I yelled.

 “Okay, calm down,” she said, setting down her glass and letting me pull her onto the dancefloor.

  My body kept moving on its own, body rolling and feet shimmying. The song was entrancing and I was lost in it, singing as well as I could. Jordan spun me a couple of times before pulling me closer and I laughed as I wrapped my arms around her neck.

   I couldn’t remember the last time I was this close to Jordan. She had such pretty features but her eyes were amazing, like molten pools of dark chocolate.

  “Thanks.”

  I gasped and clamped my hand over my mouth. “Oh my gosh.”

  “It’s cute, you like my eyes?”

  “Stoooop,” I whined.

  “Oh no, I’m never letting this go,” she teased.

  In that moment, I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole, but I did not get what I wanted. Instead, Jordan’s hands pulled me flush against them, fingers tapping against my hips.

  “Come on, you were so bold a second ago,” she whispered.

  “That was different,” I muttered.

  “But I want to know what else my little freshman likes about me.”

   Their mocking tone made my body heat rise and I did not know how to stop it. Even in their feminine form, Jordan was stronger than me and it would take a lot of effort to get out of their grip.

 “I’m not a freshman.”

 Suddenly, we stopped moving while everyone else around us was making out or dancing. Somehow, no one bumped into us and I wondered if there was some sort of invisible field blocking it from happening. My eyes wandered away from Jordan, glancing at the colorful lights and feathers on someone’s dress. That did not last long as I felt her soft fingers move a braid away from my face.

    I could hear my heartbeat in my ears as I turned back to her. Jordan seemed so soft as her hand trailed behind my ear before finally resting on my shoulder. Any words I could have said dried up on my tongue and I couldn’t think as our faces got closer to each other.

   Her woodsy cologne filled my senses, and I wondered what she could sense. Just as I closed my eyes, a terrifying scream broke through the crowd. When I opened my eyes, everything was a blur. At one moment, Jordan was in their masculine form and tugging me through the crowd. In the next, Andre was pushing me back into Luke’s car.

  Jordan, Andre, and Luke were yelling or talking but I couldn’t understand any of it. Cate seemed panicked in the front, but I had no idea what she was saying.

  “Where’s Marie?” I asked.

  Darkness overtook everything before anyone answered my question.

 The throbbing in my temples the next morning made me want to strangle George Clooney. My head weighed a thousand pounds, and it took even more effort to push myself up in bed. Thankfully, the curtains were drawn on my windows and only some rays of sunlight peaked through.

  When I was finally able to open my eyes, I noticed the bottle of Vought Water on my dresser and two aspirin. It was too early to ask any questions and I took the medicine and almost cried at the relief. Then, I did my best to walk to the bathroom without aggravating my spinning head.

  As soon as I turned on the light, I noticed the red and black jacket around my shoulders and gasped.

  This was Jordan’s.

  If they brought me home how messed up was I? I groaned at the thought and carefully hung the jacket on the hook on my door.

  My morning routine was plagued by all the possibilities from last night and what I’d said. I remembered vaguely gushing over Jordan’s eyes and dancing with Marie and Cate and…

   Almost kissing Jordan.

  How was I going to live that down? What had even come over me? It had to be the tequila and champagne. Thanks to that combination, Jordan was going to have material to tease me for at least a few months.

  After pulling on a baby blue short-sleeved fuzzy crop top and matching linen shorts, I slipped on my white Stan Smiths and went downstairs for breakfast. Per usual, it was buffet style with an option of fresh fruits, turkey bacon, steel-cut oatmeal, or toast. Sydney, Alina, and Sasha were the only ones in the dining room, all wearing matching Alo Yoga sets.

  I took the seat next to Sasha and forced myself to eat the oatmeal. “Good morning, everyone.”

 “Good morning, Y/N,” they all replied.

  “How was your night?” I asked Alina.

  “Fun,” she replied.

  “But not nearly as fun as yours,” Sasha commented.

  I stiffened and tried to cover it up with a sip of coffee. “What makes you say that?”

 “For one thing, you’re not ready to join us for Ashtanga yoga. Second, Jordan Li had to walk you to your room.” Sasha emphasized Jordan’s name with the biggest Cheshire cat grin on her face.

  “I’m glad you have such a good friend,” Sydney expressed, flicking a curly strawberry blonde hair out of her green eyes. “You always need those when Si Chi sisters can’t attend the same events.”

  “Thanks, I’m glad they’re my friend too.” I smiled as kindly as I could without side eyeing Sasha.

  Fifteen seconds passed before Alina broke the silence.

 “Did you hear what happened with that freshman last night?” she asked.

 Sasha groaned. “It’s been all over my timeline.”

 I frowned. “What happened?”

 “This freshman got caught off campus at a club,” Alina said as though it was the greatest gossip known to man.

  “Didn’t she save someone’s life, though? They had some kind of accident?” Sydney added as she popped a grape in her mouth.

  In that moment, the caffeine must have hit my brain because I almost yelped at the realization. We’d left Marie at the club last night, I had abandoned her. I grabbed my phone from my bag and started texting Emma.

 Y/N: Hey, did Marie make it back last night? Lost track of her.

 Emma responded back pretty quickly.

E: Yeah. She got a weird email from school. Ohw to Lamplighter.

My stomach churned and I willed myself to settle it. For a second, I closed my eyes and focused on Marie, but I couldn’t get a clear image of her.

 “Shit,” I muttered.

 Alina, Sasha, and Sydney turned to me, microbladed brows raised.

 “I’m sorry, I just realized that I forgot to read a chapter for a class today.”

   The girls may have said something as I quickly finished my breakfast and left the dining room, but I couldn’t hear them over my racing thoughts. Twenty minutes later, I was walking into the Crimefighting building with two iced coffees from Jitterbean in my hands and Jordan’s jacket slung over one of my arms.

  There were only a couple of people milling about the people, professors making final touches on lectures, and students cramming. I paid none of them any mind as I came across a sulking Jordan. They were in their feminine form and if they were hungover, they did not look like it.

  “Hi,” I greeted once we got close.

  “Hey,” she replied.

  “Um, I brought you coffee and your jacket as a thank you for last night. I heard you had to take me home and I’m sorry about that.”

  I handed her both items and she nodded. “It’s fine but you do owe me.”

  Her tone wasn’t as light as usual. Even when they were hungover, Jordan never missed an opportunity to go back and forth. This had to be about that almost kiss. As much as I wanted to avoid it, I had no choice.

  “About that, uh, kiss,” I whispered.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Jordan affirmed.

  “Are you sure? Because----”

  “Seriously, it’s fine, we were drunk, well, you were wasted but it’s okay.”

 They did not sound nor look “okay” and they spoke as if they wanted me to drop it as soon as possible. Earlier, I wanted to erase it from my memory but their response made me want to shrink into a corner. Why did I even care? It’s one issue resolved.

  “Okay,” I said slowly. “Anyway, have you seen Marie today? I can’t get in touch with her.”

  “No, I wouldn’t worry about it.”

  “Telling me not to worry doesn’t make it go away. I feel bad about leaving her last night.”

  Jordan glanced around us before pulling me off to the side. “You should’ve told her the risks before having her join us. You know none of us can get caught breaking the rules,” she hissed.

  “I didn’t think abandoning her would be a possibility,” I muttered.

  “She’ll be fine. You should know to look out for yourself by now, freshie.”

  For a moment, I narrowed my eyes at Jordan, who was suddenly more focused than they’d been since we started talking. They had a point, they and the rest of the Top Five always covered themselves but that typically never meant someone got hurt.

  “Would you have done the same thing if it were me instead of Marie?” I asked.

   Jordan flinched and her silence was all the answer I needed. Tears threatened to burn in the corner of my eyes, but I turned before she could see them. I thought I heard her say something and I mumbled about seeing her in class later. Just as I was about to make my way out of the building, Marie flew in, eyes flaring.

   “Did you know about this?” she questioned.

   “About what?” I asked.

   “They’re expelling me to cover up for you.” She looked behind me. “And you.”

   “Wait, what?” Jordan replied.

   “That doesn’t make any sense. You didn’t do anything wrong,” I gently argued.

   “Well, I guess I did because I thought you were different from them.”

   Her cold words felt worse than the time a girl with ice powers caught me in the shoulder during a training session. For a second, I couldn’t speak, and I thought I heard buzzing in my ears. Nothing was going the way I thought or envisioned it would. What was the point of having these powers if I couldn’t help my friends or figure out who were fake friends?  

   “Marie,” I started.

    She pushed past me and Jordan, storming towards Brink’s office. As I turned around to go back to my room and lick my wounds, a vision flashed in my head.

   Bright yellow flames covered Luke’s body and he had a murderous look in his eye as he approached someone. The perspective switched to a frightened Marie stumbling out of Brink’s office with Luke trailing behind her, his flames growing larger and more sporadic. Then, Jordan appeared.

   As soon as it appeared, it left and I had a sinking feeling in my chest as I whirled around.

   “MARIE, DON’T!”

[aesterblaster]

Bad Dogs Can Learn New Tricks

Which Blue Lock Characters Have Gone To Therapy, In My Humble Opinion. (+ Who Desperately Needs To But Hasn't + Who Might In The Future)

Warnings: Some spoilers for way past the U-20 Arc, also not an extensive list of characters, honestly kind of funny. I wasn't trying to be TOO serious

Songs: Falling Behind / Laufey , The Main Character / Will Wood , Nothing's New / Rio Romeo

Has Gone To Therapy And Loves Their Therapist Gang

-Anri, There is no way she is able to have that much patience and take that much shit from corporate without having a therapist. I think she uses like 1/5th of her paycheck on books about improving your life and stuff like that LMAO. Her therapist is also a woman so it helps her to have someone who understands her frustrations with not really getting credit despite being one of the founders of Blue Lock. Also sometimes she gets worried she's unethical towards the boys so that weighs on her.

-Kenyu, Look it's still in progress ok? He was just starting before he came to Blue Lock. Once he realized he was going to lose his vision he started working with a professional and found it really helpful. In fact they were the one who encouraged him to go after Blue Lock in the first place. One of the reasons he was so quick to say sorry to Isagi is because he has those #coping skills.

-Gagumaru, After having a run in with a bear in the woods he kept having nightmares and his parents made him go to therapy. Well it was kindddd of therapy..it was a hippie who's a family friend. That doesn't mean he doesn't know grounding techniques. He even taught Naruhaya how to calm down from a panic attack once. But yeah, he doesn't really tell people that he went to therapy

-Snuffy, After his best friend's death he went to therapy ASAP. The type to only call his therapist once every 5 months and still have a rock solid relationship with them. His therapist helped him break his womanizing habit and realize that he's enough all on his own. 100% did some soul searching and stepped away from the scene. He also combined the therapist with a personal trainer to really max out his healing process. 100/10 dude for it.

"I Have Gone To Therapy And It Didn't Work" Crew

-Chigiri, Similar to Kenyu, his parents thought he might need some mental health help after the trauma of thinking he'd never be an athlete again. But he was one of those cold shoulder my mom is forcing me to do this cases. He never actually worked through what he might do if this whole thing falls through. Also snarkiness 100, his therapist almost quit because he was so insulting to them. Chigiri just felt ashamed that his parents even thought he should go in the first place and convinced his sister to also beg them to stop taking him lmao.

-Isagi, Okay at some point his parents realize he takes faliure wayyy too hard and tried to get him in therapy. When he talked to the therapist though the dude was like "Yeah, he's just competitive. Nothing wrong here." Alas, he's been masking for so long that he's incapable of revealing his issues to anyone who hasn't known him for 3 years or plays sports with him. Also, he convinced himself he doesn't need it and then idly imagines just going apeshit and killing his enemies to cope with stress...like bro...

-Noa, Why do you think he gets along with Isagi? All jokes aside, his PR people probably asked him to do it and he went and then secretly never went back. It honestly didn't work because he wasn't willing to give it a chance. And still isn't!!!! Would rather backflip off of a yacht than tell someone in a lounge chair about how growing up in intense poverty still haunts him sometimes, makes him question his worth and avoid conflict in day to day life. Sometimes he wonders if one day he'll wake up and find out it was all a dream....But nah he doesn't need therapy!

-Oliver, He was soooo close to actually getting his mental health in check but then his therapist retired. After that he got another really seasoned one and saw the amount of case files in his desk and just felt like a straight up burden. One of those "other people have it worse" and "it is what it is" guys. He's very open about his emotions and feelings so he just talks to his friends when he's really struggling. (Even though Sendou never says the right things-) Like yeah it's their job but why bug these nice people when sex?? Why talk about issues in sessions when he can get drunk or go train for 4 hours??? Riddle him that?

The "I Need Therapy And I Know It" Team

-Ness, He has so many fucking issues. Honestly, despite his devout worship of Kaiser he does realize that his behavior isn't quite healthy or normal. Dude tries to show you a funny video on his phone and all of his ads are for Betterhelp. Genuinely trying to figure out a diagnosis. Yes he has looked up all sorts of personality disorders and no he doesn't think he has any of them (He has at least two). But again, Ness is self aware enough to know that some help or someone to talk to who sees him as an actual human being would be nice.

-Niko, He cannonicaly describes himself as very very introverted and nerdy, also he hides his face. Tell me you were bullied in school or at least had an extremely traumatizing incident without telling me. Kind of never had anyone, just people who hung around because of his soccer skill or avoided him like the plague. He is that guy who will rant about "society" online for hours and fantasize about moving to a different country thinking he'd get better treatment there. Cripplingly lonely and self conscious at the end of the day, in all honesty. Also he genuinely wants a therapist but just can't afford one.

-Hiori, Obviously his parents are the ones who stop him. He tries to go and his mom realizes where he's making her drive him and swerves off. Even when he gets his license, you just know they're tracking everywhere he goes. He doesn't have enough privacy to really get better like that, Hiori has to wait until he moves out. Still genuinely fucked up by the fact that Gagumaru has gotten therapy and he hasn't. Just listens to emo music and plays video games and pretends that that fixes everything. He's totally releasing a top-selling book about his horrible childhood after Blue Lock.

-Bachira, Is he outgoing and silly? Yes. Does he need better coping skills? Also yes. Men will tell you the most horrible and traumatizing childhood memories about getting jumped and then laugh it off, and it's him, Bachira is men. He ties to brush off his trauma with humor but it never really works. He knows that he genuinely needs to talk to someone other than Isagi or his mom about the Monster and how it was by his side for so long. But also never goes through with getting professional help, just thinks about it sometimes.

The "What's Therapy? Fuck You!" Group

-Kaiser, Oh god, don't even suggest it to him. I headcannon that mental illness kind of runs in his family. He's watched family members be taken away for being too out there and openly mentally ill so he has a reason to not trust doctors. Just associates therapy and things like it with abusive institutions. If he told a therapist all of his issues, he'd probably be sent to a psyche ward. Just the threat of being sent there single handedly kept him from killing himself or talking about his feelings when he was younger. He will continue to just be slightly abusive to the people around him thank you very much.

-Ego, Bro's got the government banning him from soccer and you think he's thinking of therapy? When Anri tells him he needs it offhand, he's like, revenge is my therapy. Insane as fuck but thinks that it's a good thing. He is not willing to talk about his issues to anyone, but especially not someone who will write it all down. Genuinely ruined a few relationships in his past because the main people he attracts are the "I Can Fix Him" people and it just never works. Suprisingly unself aware for how much he analyzes others.

-Barou, His main issue is just shame and failed gifted kid syndrome. But as soon as he's back up he's convinced he doesn't need help. Barou suffers from really high highs and really low lows but he also has the mental fortitude to handle it. He is a well adjusted and kind enough person outside of the soccer field so he never considers that he needs therapy. When he feels bad about himself he hits the gym but he's never really opened up to anyone and he sure isn't going to start once he gets more famous. Especially when he's seen as one of the best right now, can't risk his reputation.

-Rin, He's would rather gut himself with a sword than admit that his mental illness doesn't make him a cool loner wolf and just a lonely person who hasn't healed his inner child. Kind of just wants someone to baby him and tell him everything's going to be alright but in the mean time his barriers are up 24/7. He disdains therapy, thinks that he'd just be seen as a pay check and he kind of isn't wrong. Rin would rather pay money for expensive cleats than spend it for someone to suggest him breathing exercises. He also had a traumacore phase, but he'd rather not talk about it.

[sevi007]

I'm in the middle of thr "Fate" route of Fate Stay night (Day 8) and I'm utterly fascinated

It's a lot of text so I have to take lots of breaks because I can't handle all the information - but still, fascinated!

So as I said I have a teeny tiny bit of knowledge about FSN from back when the movie came out approximately ten years ago, but I never saw the FULL movie, and the other routes and Fate / Zero I only know from an assortment of YT videos without any kind of rhyme or order to them. Oh, and Fate Carnivql, which is just. Parody XD

But there is a whole lot of stuff I don't know. Such as the magic system in this world (it's very interesting but sounds complex and rather painful) or just how much bad luck, frankly, Shirou has. The boy is traumatized from the get go, gets killed canonically like - three times in a day - gets dragged into a war, and the entire time he is more worried about others getting hurt than himself. Boy needs therapy, ASAP

I DO remember his relationship with Archer (who was my favorite back then) so I guess a big plottwist is now no longer surprising to me. Eh

Right now I'm mostly torn between amused and worried by how much everyone is messing up and making bad decisions. When I heard "Sabers are the strongest servants" I thought we got the Plot Armor any prota gets, but our team is kind of shooting itself in the foot at every turn by being a whole ass mess of traumatized teenagers with no therapist on standby

(And theadults are um. Kind of questionable. Fuji-nee is kind but a whole typhoon of chaos, Kotomine is dubious at best, Kiritsugi had his own problems, and other than them, I can't find any PRESENT adults to help the kids so far)

[anothersmilingcrittersau]

👏LETS👏FUCKING👏GO!

ALRIGHT IT'S DONE! FUCKING FINNALY!And can I get a drumroll for my boy pleaseeeee*BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*ELEANORE ELEMENTS!(yes ik Eleanore is a girls name IT’LL MAKE SENSE IN A MOMENT ALRIGHT!)

SO he's built like Bubba but somewhat skinnier, taller, and with these large round glasses that make his eyes WORK. His necklace is a beaker that actually has FLUID in it and the color of the fluid changes depending on what he’s feeling (happy=yellow, etc). And it NEVER SPILLS unless he gets like this ULTRA VIOLENT WAVE OF ANGER and when that happens RUN~ His personality is very solemn, very kind, but also kinda strict for what's right and wrong. His moral compass is particularly strong, especially for his friends. He is very smart too (Like all Bubbas but with one exception *COUGH* Dumba *COUGH*) but he is ESPECIALLY SMART in really anything that has to do with electricity and chemistry. Like put that man in a room with a spaghetti knot of unlabeled wires and he’ll sort them when you turn you back INSTANTLY. He also has a partial knowledge in fossils (for a good reason TRUST). Fun facts ab the boy:

he/they

Smells like chocolate not like strongly tho

He is a TRANS GAY MAN and NO i WILL NOT allow ANY KIND OF HATE TOWARDS HIM HE IS A LITTLE BOY WHO JUST WANTS TO BE HAPPY ALRIGHT

He needs therapy. Like, pretty badly. Like damn

He needs his glasses to see. NEEDS. Like bro is blind without em. Also they’re as thick as panels of bulletproof glass so HAVE FUN BREAKING THEM MANNY!

He has a corrupted form and other friends(*whisper* and a boyfriend) in his group so if yall wanna see that just go to meh asks and I will HOOK YALL UP WITH  THE DESCRIPTIONS ASAP!! —-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dats my boy! Also if you’d like you could make him the third and final voice in that one animatic that I showed you the song for *COUGH* shameless plug *CAOUGH COUGH* Soo ye! Holy fuck this took way less longer than I thought I just needed motivation YIPPIE! -@daydreamer36

Kinda like this? a silly lil guy?? a silly lil fella???

[trashlie]

it's good to see you around again, I missed reading your long ILY posts, hope you're doing better too :) if you ever share your thoughts on the latest couple of episodes (including fp) here, I'd be super excited to read them! I'm really curious how you think the timeline is gonna go from here - especially relating to Shin-Ae and Nolan since it feels like they are the last pieces that need to fall into place so everything is ready for the post-timeskip story to go down. like you, I was so sure Nol and Shin-Ae were going to have some kind of reconciliation before he goes to jail but WELP rip 3 day extension. Poor guy though, Yui showing up in his hospital room must have been extremely triggering, it made sense that he did everything to get outta there ASAP. It's worrying me that this series of negative interactions (Kousuke, Alyssa, Yui) could've undone everything positive Shin-Ae Dieter Soushi Nana did, and now therapy during jail time could either have a positive or negative effect, so Nol is a Schroedinger's cat for now.... At least some things got cleared up and Shin-Ae is now starting to understand the root of the problem (= Yui) (and it actually really makes sense that she had to figure it out herself instead of Nol telling her - the boy obviously isn't ready to talk) so we made some progress.... But istg with this upcoming separation arc 2.0 it feels so much like we're gonna be back at ground zero after the first time skip. Fingers crossed they reconcile in whatever way before the big time skip though. we need a somewhat positive conclusion to this arc before season 1 ends, because if not then what was all this build up for, and why now? What about the realizations? the "convince me"? What about "if you won't let me have you"? If their reconciliation is only going to happen after multiple years of "conflict" between them that would be so cruel....

AND SHIN-AE STILL HASN'T GOTTEN HER BANDANA BACK and now he's stealing her lines too SDGDADSF;SDF

Waaaahhhhh thank you, friend!!! As you can probably tell, I'm still trying to get myself back here fully and figure out how to balance everything, which has always been a struggle ;~; I really may resort to telling my friends to ignore me and yell at me until I get certain posts written up so I'll stop procrastinating because there are SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT EPISODES I WANT TO RECAP AND TALK ABOUT!!!! BUT THE ORGANIZING MYSELF!!!! IS THE PART THAT'S SO DIFFICULT!!!!!!!!

One of the great things about the ILY discord server is that we have this very constant, active conversation going on at all times so it's SO easy to be very present and active, but I also find that it means it's more difficult for me to regulate myself, or I'll have that feeling that I JUST talked about something and so when I try to write about it over here, it feels like a hollow echo and I know that's just because I was just having the conversation so that's just something I need to work on dealing with lol

But I want to answer this before we move so far away from when you asked this!!!!! As expected, there are FP spoilers ahead for eps 246 through 249!!!!!

I!!!! DO NOT KNOW!!!!!!! LMAO Like. GOD. I feel like quimchee has thrown us curveball after curveball and when we sit down and think about how long this period of December 21 and the post December 21 arc has been, how much the story has weaved around?! There are so many things that have occurred that I NEVER expected and, like you, it's just everything I thought has clearly gone out the window. Part of it, I think, is the result of quimchee having to change the arrangement of her story, and god I would love to pick her brain about the things that changed, since Nol's injury was supposed to happen at the formal itself, we never would have had this extended period of hospital time, and it seems like everything about Nol and Shinae coming to realization with their feelings would have played out in a wholly different way than what we ended up getting, so on some level I think this is partly that quimchee, too, is sort of throwing herself cureveballs in that there are things she knows needs to happen and she isn't sure where or how to fit the other elements in? But that's just my guess.

On the one hand, I do feel very "WHAT WAS THE EXTENSION FOR IF NOT FOR RECONCILIATION?!" but beyond Stalkyoo, we have gotten a LOT of good stuff out of this period of time. We see Kousuke facing his cognitive dissonance for, perhaps, the first time, and the revelation that Yui has been drugging him (and likely for a long time, given the way Hansuke describe the dosage Kousuke had and that it merely knocked him out), and more than that, making those connections between Nol and Yui and tea, and wanting to face him. I'm STILL proud of him for wanting to go back and see Nol again, even after he couldn't face him, even after Hansuke found him on the floor of a public bathroom hugging a toilet from the remorse and guilt and perhaps shame of the realization of the ways he has hurt people - has hurt Nol! - who didn't deserve it. We have seen that Rand and Yujing are, in fact, working on something behind the scenes, that Rand is facing Yui as a real adversary now, not just someone who has been resigned to endure her for so many years now, but to actually fight against her. The entirety of Nol's birthday celebration could not have happened the way it did had he not been in the hospital, since he would have had to turn himself in, and while maybe the original plan was that they celebrated his birthday with Minhyuk's coming home party, I'm.... not sure if that would have been the case?

But at at any rate, I do acknowledge that despite the fact that it feels like Nol might be back at square one, that he and Shinae are back where they started in 151, such significant events HAVE taken place that I think will still affect the narrative future of ILY. I still feel strongly that part of Nol's trajectory is coming to terms with the fact that he does, indeed, belong here. That he isn't someone who wasn't meant to be, that he doesn't belong here. He belongs, and he deserves love. He is someone, not nothing. I still think one of his greater arcs will involve coming to embrace this, and while the negative events - Kousuke, Alyssa, Yui - feel like they could be setting him back, he is now equipped with knowledge and feelings he wasn't before. It can't hurt him the same. In fact, I think part of why his confrontation with Alyssa went the way it did was because he had had this experience with Shinae, Dieter, and Soushi, it illuminated everything that was so wrong with his relationship with Alyssa, how neither of them really know each other. It's that sense of foiling that allows him to put his foot down and say enough is enough. Even before it was revealed that Alyssa had come with Yui, it was clear that Nol was over the visit. Don't get me wrong - I understand why he couldn't see that Alyssa clearly was not well, that she was uncomfortable, that she had come to him with no one else to go to, much as he'd gone to Kousuke in the past when he lost his mom, and I also understand why he did the same thing Kousuke did and turned her away. But the point I'm getting at is, it feels like there was a shift. That birthday celebration illuminated something for Nol.

So it's kind of like, while it feels like this might have undone the progress Nol made, it can't undone the revelations he's had, and in that same way, it cannot cast shadow on his enlightenment. He is not the same Nol he was a week ago. Too much has changed, he's become aware of too much, and as such, he is going to respond differently to what comes his way, and while he may continue to try what he had originally intended, I think the difference is that he's now been made aware of things that impact the choices he makes.

But largely I don't really know what I expect just yet. I think it's very pointed that the lawyer reminded Shinae that she has his phone number; I don't think that would be called out if it wasn't going to be important in some way, but in terms of how are we going from here to there? Unsure lol. I think there HAS to be a resolution of some kind, whether it's a reconciliation or not, because Shinae is on this momentum swing that isn't going to stop until she crashes into something or she comes into a force of nature that stops her. Nothing, no one, has been able to reach her or get through to her, and I know it's just because of how much she's hurting, but she's lashing out at people and hurting THEM like a street cat swiping at people trying to help her. She's so terrified of losing Nol, especially now that he came back, especially now that she gave him the option to leave and he didn't and it rekindled that hope she gave him an opening to leave when it would have been easier and he didn't which just made it worse, because so much more was at stake. She can't stop fighting she can't stop trying because she cannot bear what it means to lose him for real this time, not when she finally had him back, not when that realization has come to her even if she won't admit it. She needs him, so what's going to make her give up?

Something has to transpire, whether it's a reconciliation or Nol pushing her away and really shattering her heart or something awful like that, to bring her to a halt, because I can't imagine how we would move into our mini time skip to spring/graduation with Shinae like this, right? So I think there must be some kind of resolution. My foolish, hopeless self wants so badly to hope for reconciliation but esp after 249 I am SO torn. I have two thoughts.

a. they reconcile. She can reach him, and convince him, and even though he is so afraid, he is also someone who folds in front of her, he struggles to resist her. He told her to convince him and boy she can convince him and even though he tells himself he isn't sure if these feelings are real because what if it's just because she's NICE to him I think hearing her confess her feelings would tell him how he feels and give him the answer.

b. But the alternative feels like a parallel to Nessa and Rand, because Nessa, too, was hurt over and over by someone who kept getting her hopes up and getting hurt by him. Shinae gave Nol the opportunity to leave and he didn't, he stayed and doing so sparked her hope, made her feel things, they shared these tender, intimate moments together and forced that realization to come to mind, but for him to push her away again, for her safety, to make choices on her behalf even though she's told him she hates that and she doesn't want him to. Imagine her pulling a Nessa and calling him scum lfkjajkfkjfjkfaj ;A;!!!!! Imagine her so angry and hurt and resentful and saying awful things she doesn't mean and GOD I feel like it can go only one of these ways because what ELSE is going to stop her in her tracks?!

And I really want a reconciliation because parting like this sets them up for SO. MUCH. STRIFE. Because we know one way or another Shinae is going to end up taking Yui's offer and if Nol leaves on these terms, he would end up thinking she's following in Alyssa's footsteps doing so, not understanding WHY she's doing, not understanding that this is Shinae's only way of protecting herself, learning to speak Yui's language and play her game.

and idk I know I'm a hopeful optimist reading a webtoon that proves to me over and over that I cannot be a hopeful optimist but LMAO GOD I WANT SHINAE TO CONVINCE THAT DUMBO

I've said it before that convincing him doesn't mean they have to get into a relationship. Just. Reconcile. She's so afraid of LOSING HIM, thinking that once he slips away he's out of her grasp, her sight, for good, that she will lose the best thing that happened to her and I WANT THAT RECONCILATION. I want her to convince him, for both their sakes. So that he knows he has someone he can go back to. So that she knows he's not just throwing her away. So that she doesn't have to fear losing something so precious and important.

Am I foolish and hopeful for hoping for that outcome? Maybe, but it won't stop me LMAO because as delicious and angsty as Shinae and Nol following in Ressa's footsteps with Nol hurting her again and leaving her so hurt and angry is, I want to see them on that same page. I want to see Shinae convince him - convince him why he is so important to her, and that his feelings are real. That's the thing, right, like.... you can tell yourself that your feelings aren't real, but if the person you like confesses to you, your heart will inevitably betray you and respond to the confession. Nol fears for Shinae's safety but important puzzle pieces are falling into place. She has figured what he fears the most - and if she thinks hard enough she'll realize how she can use that to her "advantage", in that Rand has told her Yui will never let her go, that it doesn't matter if Nol leaves or not. It goes back to my oft repeated sentiment of them needing to be on the same page, to be a team, because his absence will not protect her. And between what Rand told her, plus her anecdotes about Kousuke's birthday and how Yui treated her even before the formal, and what Yujing told Nol about Kousuke being drugged by Yui, maybe, just MAYBE that conclusion that wasn't only him all along will finally hit him. I know he can't change over night, that he has so many deeply ingrained fears that won't be easily assuaged, but I have to hope that a confession from Shinae can convince him that the alternative is worse. Convince him to fight along side her ;A;

I go back and forth on this thought but I think this is strongly what I feel right now. That reconciliation could still be around the corner, even if it's just an admission and a promise to not push her away. Shinae is tired of people acting on her behalf, tired of not getting a say, and especially in something that involves her heart, her feelings?

Go fight girl and maybe bite him if that's what it takes ;A;

STEALING HER BANDANA. HER LINES. HERT HEART. THIS MAN DESERVES TO BE LOCKED AWAY

ALFJLFJLFKJLAFKJLKFJALKFJ

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hey, everyone…

We’re so sorry about the unexpected interruption here. But after 3 days at our local CSU, an emergency therapy session, adding a new medication, and our first split in a long time… we’re back.

It’s so hard for us to feel stable or claim to be stabilized after something like this. It felt like we left the unit too early, but they have a 72 hour policy there. But something we heard from the group therapy leader there, is stabilization doesn’t usually happen right away. They set us up with some resources, they assured us that we’re welcome to come back if we need to, and we’re going to be seeing our therapist twice a week.

We’re so sorry we left… but we were already in a very bad place when we found out that user was lying about us. We’ve been lied about before - in our past it’s led to us losing friends and community, and being traumatized by someone we thought we could trust. Our alter, Alucard, split because of this, so finding out someone was spreading rumors about vamp and Kip specifically really sent vamp (and our whole system) over the edge.

We hope to get back to normal though (or as normal as we can) ASAP!

Thank you so much to everyone for your patience and kind words. We’re so sorry we had to leave abruptly like that. Our new alter, Lucille, and other members of our system think we’re coming back online too soon, but I know we have asks piling up so we need to get back to doing what we do here. We request your continued patience if we’re even slower than usual with responding to asks, or if our responses seem fragmented. We may be out of the CSU, but we’re still in a very dark place.

Again, thank you so much for your patience. Lucille is cofronting with me and likely will be a big presence here and on our other blogs, as she formed in response to us being triggered in online environments. So y’all might be hearing more from her in the future.

Thank you for bearing with us and taking the time to read this.

💫 Parker and Lucille (who has yet to choose an emoji sign off)

[laidee-flegman]

Journal prompts for dealing with your triggers

What's that one thing that never fails to make your eye twitch? Describe it in all its triggering glory.

When did you first notice this trigger creeping into your life? Was it like a ninja in the night or more of a "bam, I'm here" situation?

Give your trigger a name. Go on, get creative with it. Something like Captain Cringe or Drama Llama. Own that trigger, fam!

How does this trigger manifest physically? Sweaty palms? Eye rolling so hard you can see the back of your head? Paint us a vivid picture.

Dig deep and uncover the root cause. What childhood trauma or embarrassing moment might be hanging out in the shadows, pulling the trigger strings?

Think about the last time this trigger ruined your day. What happened, and how did you react? Were there tears? Swearing? A dramatic exit?

On a scale from 1 to "I need therapy ASAP," how much does this trigger control your life?

Imagine your trigger is a character in a movie. Who would play it, and what would its catchphrase be?

List three situations where this trigger is most likely to pop up uninvited. Prepare yourself, Sherlock, we're going detective mode.

If your trigger had a theme song, what would it be? Bonus points if you can hum it while writing.

Flip the script! How can you reframe your thoughts when this trigger comes knocking? Turn that negativity into a comedy show, my friend!

Explore your coping mechanisms. Do you drown your sorrows in ice cream, or are you more of a scream-into-a-pillow kind of person?

Have a heart-to-heart with your trigger. What would you say to it if it were sitting right in front of you? Get sassy if you need to.

Reflect on a time when you conquered this trigger like a superhero. What powers did you unleash to defeat the villain?

Create a "Trigger Emergency Kit" – a go-to list of things that make you happy and distract you from the trigger madness. (Hint: Puppies and pizza are solid options.)

If your trigger were a meme, what would it look like? Embrace the meme magic, my friends.

Channel your inner therapist. What advice would you give your bestie if they were dealing with this trigger?

Journal your dream scenario: You, your trigger, and a boxing ring. Who wins, and how epic is the victory dance?

Share your trigger struggles with a friend. You're not alone in this, and sometimes a good laugh with a buddy is the best medicine.

Write a letter to your future self, giving them tips on how to handle the trigger like a boss.

Map out a "No BS" plan for dealing with the trigger next time it shows its face. No excuses, just action!

What would your favorite fictional character do in the face of this trigger? WWJD (What Would James Bond Do)?

Explore the silver lining. Is there anything positive you can extract from this trigger experience? Growth, resilience, a killer stand-up routine?

Imagine your trigger as a superhero origin story. What traumatic event turned it into the complex character it is today?

Create a mantra to repeat when the trigger strikes. Something like "Not today, Satan!" but tailored to your unique situation.

Draw a comic strip illustrating a day in the life of you versus your trigger. Spoiler alert: You're the superhero.

Journal your progress. Have there been moments when this trigger had less power over you? Celebrate those victories, no matter how small!

Write a breakup letter to your trigger. It's time to kick that toxic relationship to the curb.

Explore the possibility that your trigger is secretly your BFF in disguise, just trying to toughen you up. What valuable life lessons is it attempting to teach?

Reflect on how you want to grow beyond this trigger. What kind of badass version of yourself will emerge from the trigger ashes?

[bellysoupset]

Hey Soup~

Another day, another ask with comments from me 🙈

Back to the Leo vs his mother arc.

I love that Wendy didn't break her promise not to tell Jonah about what happened, but she still spoke to Bell then Bell did to Luke, so he could alert Jonah.

Poor Jon was so scared for Luke when he saw that he had 4 missed calls from him because Jonah is Luke's emergency contact. You always write their frenemy vibes so nicely, like, they are always at each others' throat but are the first to jump when something happens to the other. Then the twist of Bella receiving the call and telling him Luke is fine, but something happened to Leo. Jonah was scared to death for a second there, poor thing.

"He needs you home" Oh Luke couldn't have said anything else that would have made Jonah want to come back sooner. Especially when he got to know it was Leo's mom that happened.

Nevermind, I was wrong "Leo shouldn't be alone" was the real deal 🥺

Luke took the wheel and bought Jonah and Angie tickets to get them home asap. Thank God for him.

Jonah telling LukeBell that he wanted every single detail, even what kind of socks Leo is wearing. He was WORRIED worried.

Wendy was scared too. Leo even made a pinky promise not to jump. Oh God 💔

Leo needed JD to notice the knocking because he was spiraling so hard. Baby.

Bella immediately hugging Leo then Luke the both of them. They knew what to tell him exactly. "Jonah is coming and we are not going anywhere" and "it wasn't your fault she left" and even "we got you, we love you" 😭😭

He deserved to hear these so much, like SO MUCH.

Then Jonah arrived finally!! Luke gave him a hug and told him that Leo was alright just needed Jon. My heart. I love these two.

Angie was also really worried about Leo. I felt like she was a little more quiet compared to her usually exuberant personality.

I'm glad that the first thing Jonah heard when he entered their home was Leo's laughter. Yes, good job Bells!!

The scene with Leo and Jon greeting each other while Bella was trapped in the blanket under them was hilarious.

I also loved the details Jon made Leo shared.Wendy called Leo off work, "she said she was my doctor" lmao I love her. I'm glad Leo recognized that he needs more therapy sessions.

Leo telling Jon he was made to feel small by Amelia and Jonah replying to that by telling Leo that he is his whole world. Awww, my heart.

I'm not surprised Leo got sick after all that stress.

Jonah missed rubbing Leo's back while he threw up? That tells so much about him.

"You are comfy, but not as comfy as Luke" lmao never change, Leo. Even Jonah couldn't hold back that smile. Me neither though.

I'm curious what else is going to happen now that we have Amelia in town. Can't wait to see what you have in mind.

Hope you enjoy reading this nonsense. See you in other asks, Soup!!

- 💜

You can tell I'm sooo behind answering my inbox, i'm so sorry!!

Wendy jumped through hoops to not break her promise but have Jon there, I think it really shows her sneaky personality. This is a girl who'll Get What She Wants, in this case Leo not being in pain!

Jon is up for most stressful 24 hours a person can go through, with all the suspense and worrying about Luke then Leo.

I'm so happy the scenes fit together nicely, from Leo/Bella/Luke, to Jon/Leo's reunion with Bella trapped under them. It's always my goal to have my angsty scenes just feel... Mundane. I love writing drama, but I really feel like nothing drives it home so deeply than when its mixed with a bit of humor, a bit of tears, a bit of "shit I gotta go grocery shopping".

And yeah!! Having Amelia in town sets up for a lot of angst potential, but end of the day, this is their town and I'll not have her run Leo out of there. She can move if she wants, but this is the home he built, with the guy he loves and the family they made.

Thank you sooo much for commenting 💜!!

[dazaisreason]

corny. ! do not read ignore

rant

OH MY FUCK I JUST REALISED WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

FUCKKKKK

I hate the internet and I hate the stupid fucking people who made me think this is normal and basically kept me stuck in a répétitive cycle without me even knowing.

"I know why I am like this and I know how to help myself but I don't know why it doesn't help."

I never took it serious. For fucks sake coping mechanisms arent suppose to be forever and I dont mean shaking your leg during a test or clicking a pen when stressed ITS SUPPOSE TO BE SHORT NOT LIFE

AND MY DUMBASS MADE IT MY LIFE

IT IS SOMETHING I PREACH AND BREATH TO OTHERS

Oh. Get better. Seek help and therapy.

But because I kept on distancing myself from the sanity of life and its people by soaking myself deeper and deeper in trauma, my coping mechanisms of avoiding instead of confronting my problems.

Confronting. I think that is the problem with all of me. I never really thought of it. I haven't really seen as to why I shouldn't cut if it is just every four months, it isn't enough to make me die- or to say why should I not age regress (quietly might i add) to the point I wouldnt fucking know what is happening around me instead of seeing the danger in my eyes.

It sounds so harmless but it isn't good. How am I suppose to be independent when I am either in dissociation or hate? To function? To have normal relationships? To actually go out and enjoy life? To show up at the party everyone is already dancing at?

It isn't normal for me to act this way, it isn't normal for the trauma that had happened to me to have happened. Yes it is a result and that is what HAPPENS. Like how the sun goes up and down but it isn't normal for it to stay. To burn my eyes to the point everyday I walk pass a mirror my eyes are red.

I need to be independent and to work myself back into a normal mind, one that is okay. An adult mind might I add because I am going to be one in the upcoming years. Not a sore child pretending to be one, to be destined to be like that forever.

This sounds so so so little for others and it is common sense but not for me cause haha Cptsd with no fucking treatment everything has been shit and it is shit. It gets so bad that I sometimes felt like I could take a gun and just shoot innocent lives.

But that isnt normal.

I shouldnt need to have coping mechanisms when I am just living. I should cry when I am sad. I shouldnt be trying to put a knife to my skin. I should confront and stand up for myself or completely distance myself rather than age regressing/dissociating.

I should also surround myself with my kind friends. I always forget about them.

Sugarcoating what is happening will turn me into a madman.

People will tell you stuff is normal and make you associate with your trauma rather than removing it. It isn't normal. Sometimes behaviours should be explained, where it stems from and undone. How else will I live?

This reminds me of those fake feminists who say you should embrace misogynistic stereotypes because it is empowering but rant finished. I really need therapy asap

I WANT TO GET BETTER IMMEDIATLY

.I identified with my trauma, with all the hatred, the worst parts and wanted to expand on them. I didn't acknowledge how bad it truly was nor did I ever take myself seriously or the harm it has caused me (and others). I consistently used coping mechanisms instead of looking at what I am coping from and shoving it into the bin. It has done an enourmous amount of damage and I want to be better.

Coping mechanisms shouldnt be something that is forever, and I need to realise its not normal 💀

[scarefox]

Am I still an addict when I use my addictions / fixations as a motivator, small serotonin shot during hard times and treat for accomplished tasks? (they are also not my number 1 priority overshadowing my whole life) 🤔

Thing is I know I get easily hooked on to serotonin / dopamine producers of any kind, and might overdo it sometimes (nothing harmful evene except caffeine). BUT I notice when I do that and at some point I get annoyed at myself and slow it down again and/or use it like mentioned above.

Still hung on my therapists implication that i am a hard media addict (based on 1 short talk we had about my bad era) and should stop it asap... ma'am tumblr and my silly little dramas are the things that kept me alive the past years of mental struggles. I am in fandoms since 20 years before social media ruined the internet. I even had a bunch of RL friends for years in my city till it all broke apart just few years ago. And now it's harder to find new people of my kind of weird because social media sucks compared to closed forums we had back then.

She's comparing me with the tiktok addict in my therapy group but I am so not like her.

It only gets too much for me when this is my only serotonin source which it was for a while. That's why I wanted antidepressants to level that out a bit for me to not be starving all the time.

But I can literally look at photos from Thailand, Korea or Japan and get a little serotonin spark from it. Same for my favorite characters or celebrities.

This is literally the same as the emotion regulation strategies they teach us, just that they want us to use pictures of our holidays or friends and family, pets etc. Stuff that I can not use atm...

I think my therapist is also not a fan of us having "idols" or "heroes" as she calls it. I mean there is some valid point in it. She basically says weak / insecure / hurt people need heroes to feel protected and that opens the doors for narcissists and abusers. (which is true. I know. I got raised by someone with narcissistic tendencies and attract people like that, which is also a reason why I stay on distance with new people)

But I look up to my idols and favs as motivation, inspiration, for me to become similar like them (most of them are similar like me if I wasn't mentally ill) or as comfort or affirmation that even my idols are struggling sometimes etc. I adore them and am happy when they are happy. I am not romantically in love with them. Even with Taemin, who is my top number 1 guy, I still wouldn't waste my money on his bathtub water or something. lol. All I get are his his albums and a bit of merch... if he had something useful like cool shirts ................................

[gxdmade]

My anxiety got hands today I guess?? (Lowkey what I get for forgetting my meds this morning and taking the nighttime round late✨)

Vent, feel free to ignore 💜

This is gonna beeee a mess of thoughts

But I feel some kind of need to apologize for my sporratic activity. I'm trying to write when the inspo hits me, and I have stuff literally in the drafts but I go so back and forth on getting shit done lmao.

Then sometimes I feel like people may not like me bc it seems like I focus on ships too damn much. And I get this anxious feeling that people are pulling away from me, and its only a matter of time till I'm suddenly made aware of making people uncomfortable when I didn't mean to but also didn't realize bc no one said anything. (this has happened on at least three separate and far between situations, and i guess it still...triggers me?? for lack of a better word).

NOW. this is not to get any sympathy or make anyone feel bad for my mental state. I'm literally an adult, medicated at that, and I know that majority of my feelings are just me and my brain boxing each other. And that there's quite literally zero people upset about me more than likely. But writing it out/talking it out sometimes helps. (I need a therapist asap lol. but first, a job and an apartment to afford said therapy)

Anyhow, all this to say, sorry if im takin too long on certain replies or only seem interested in certain threads. I'm just goin with the flow of my muses at this point as a way to cope with ✨Life✨.

Take care of yourselves, and thanks for hearing me and my crazy old man rambles out if you did read for whatever reason. ilysm💜

[buntsuki]

Update!!

Groot is doing wonderful! I am in an extremely tough spot though. We’re going to have to adjust his chemo medication because we can’t afford the ecg he needs for them to feel safe giving him the rest of his doses.

We’re honestly okay switching to the other medication as it’s supposed to be less stressful on his heart. While still being a strong treatment option. The quote for that is $3k for the rest of those doses, with 4 other doses of different types with it. We’re estimating about $5k total. Which we just don’t have at this point. We have been denied for personal loans, CareCredit Card, Scratch Pay, Wells Fargo. My fiancée was approved for a $300 loan at 26.90% interest from Sunbit, which obviously isn’t worth it. We’ve reached out to every foundation we’ve seen, I’ve sent in to weratedogs, Paws4, BowWow and a few other ones I can’t remember the names of at the moment. We’ve all joined numerous Facebook groups to share. We’ve even gotten to a point where last week we asked long time neighbor/family friends (who are very well off) for the possibility of a loan with a notary and payment plan, they read the message and ignored us…we’ve never asked them for money (until last week for a loan).

So that’s it we’ve really exhausted what we can at this point. I’ve sold a few things but of course it’s not enough, the commissions have been super helpful though! Thank you so much! As well as thank you to everyone for sharing!! Shares help..I feel like we just need to get it into the right hands. Of course I’m still going to be doing commissions and selling what I can as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SO FOR ME:

I’ve had a super busy week, I apologize if I haven’t gotten back to anyone with comm updates yet! I’ve had an appointment almost everyday this week for my own medical issues. Then Groots chemo, and I was meant to have an important doctor appointment tomorrow, but it was rescheduled. There was a mass shooting about 45 minutes away from me, the suspect is still on the loose so businesses are locking doors, and rescheduling appointments. -My absolute condolences to the victims and I truly hope he’s found soon.

I had electro current therapy AlphaStim on Monday and it ACTUALLY HELPED MY CHRONIC PAIN! Like surreal, I can do a couple in office visits that my insurance will cover. There’s an at home one Quell that I think would be life changing for me, but it’s $150 up front for the band and 2 replacement packs. Then it’s $25-50 a month per replacement pack. Which i obviously can’t afford while emptying everything to my name out on chemotherapy. (I would rather be in pain than let Groot down).

I appreciate the kindness and support/understanding right now! It’s a really tough time, especially after the hospital blow, and now hearing about the medication stuff. Gofundme in bio and on my profile as always, no pressure to anyone! Times are hard all around and I don’t want anyone exerting themselves for me.

Thanks for reading! I’ll get back to everyone asap! I have tomorrow free now to hopefully get caught up.

[milosirlgf]

literally itd DEPRESSING and i kind of feel nad for liking him and eelatimg to the listener bc the cokmenrs r alwaus "BRESK UP,", or like "curie sux" or something like STOPPP I love geordi and cutie both theyre perfect

theyre perfect cutie just needs therapy which i HOPE theyre getting jesus i want them back together asap

[reliccipher]

Is there even a fuckin evolutionary purpose to cramps or is that just for funny haha human torment

I've been facing kidney stone level pain since I was 12 and no matter how many times professionals say that its normal you cannot convince me that this level of pain is NORMAL. I really hope they just mean "normal" as in "You don't need to go to the hospital" because there is no way that there's nothing going on here? Do doctors just think I'm exaggerating? Is this just a socialization issue and they're just trying to reassure me that I'm not dying and I'm misinterpreting it to mean "everything is fine"? Are the doctors in my area just idiots? Or is it a "we really can't do anything here, just keep taking naproxen or whatever as normal" kinda thing? Do I have endometriosis?? Is it too hard to diagnose it for certain and my doctors aren't bothering, or am I not complaining enough about it? I genuinely don't know. I just don't think this is completely normal.

I've had kidney stones before. I've had to help take care of my dad when he gets them, because getting those on top of his chronic pain makes it a struggle to even get out of bed. It is genuinely one of the worst kinds of pain to get. I have been taking ibuprofen and/or naproxen for the pains ASAP when I even see a little bit of blood or feel the start of cramping. I've been doing that for so long that I forgot how bad it was, so when my cramps started in the middle of the day when I had no access to any kind of meds some months back, the horrifying reality of what I had been going through had finally set in, taking the full force of the pain with nothing to combat it, and it was just as bad as kidney stones. Made worse since it hit me in a crowded fuckin mall with people looking at me weird but I don't want to get into that mess. I just cannot believe when someone tries to tell me THAT is normal, that everything is fine, nothing to worry about, nothing to even look into.

I'm scared to even think about how the pain could be worse than this, because I know that's possible. I'm scared of the idea that something could be seriously wrong here and it's getting ignored because I'm not being taken seriously or because I'm not complaining enough about it. I hate the idea that this is just somehow "normal". Even if I wasn't trans I'd want to get this stupid fucking organ out of my body so I don't have to suffer like that. I really wish I could just get it removed already, its just too fucking much for me, man. That's not gonna happen any time soon though since I can hardly even afford blood tests. I mean, hell, I need to get a (full body, likely) MRI and that's been shoved to the side for years now because my family just can't afford it. A whole surgery like that is nothing but a pipe dream right now.

Sorry for the long rambling bs about this shit but I need to scream into the void about this, I already had therapy this week so I can't talk about it there lol. IDK maybe someone knows what its like or can tell me "yeah that's not normal your doctors suck" or something.