#waiting for the day where i wont be sick anymore

[iskender-x]

um hello.

i kinda got resurrected... i was so sick i could barely sleep lol. im better now <3

[yaostars]

GOJO SATORU ✩

note: this is angst (sorry), she/her prns, fem reader, lowercase a/n: bye i js watched all of jjk for the 2nd time since season 2 came out n i felt like rewatching the first season but gosh i felt like ruining everyones day by writing this after reading the Shibuya arc a month ago. anywho hope u like it and i hope i ruined ur day bc i ruined mine by writing this at 1 in the morning summary: you and gojo had an argument over your mental health and after it gojo needed a few days of getting himself back together but during those days you were caught up in a mission... (cliffhanger LOL)

it had been a few days after the small fight gojo and you had after him worrying over your health. he saw the lack of sleep, eating and mainly yourself lack anything at that point. he was sick worried and wasn't sure on what to do with himself but confront. you on the other hand didn't even realise this was happening to yourself to the point you snapped at him. in conclusion he had told you he needed a bit of space for a few days just to collect himself again. you fully agreed well more like a small nod and head down not watching him leave.

over the past day you had received a mission which you gave full awareness that you were going to do it just so the fight could be out of your mind. only if you knew what the after math would be.

slowly making your way there you felt the presence of quite a curse. you were obviously not in the right state to fight but kept going. unconsciously doing this you didnt even realise the curse had landed a blow before exorcising it. softly puffing out cold air trying to catch your breath obviously now understanding your boyfriends point on how your health was no longer good.

taking a small step before collapsing on the ground not even realising you had managed to have a massive hole in your stomach. groaning at the sudden feeling of your intestines moving around. it was survival mode at this point but all you felt was cold and in a state of shock still.

shakily grabbing out your phone seeing you and gojo on the front making small tears form knowing at this point you weren't going to make it. quickly typing in the password and getting to gojos contact. you pressed the call button waiting for him to pick up but all you were left was a voicemail. trying heaps of times to call him back until coughing small bits of blood up realising you were still going on voicemail. sighing before saying possibly your last words ever.

"heyyy this is gojo satoru cant get to the phone right now please leave a message BEEP" is all you could hear until clearing your throat.

"hey toru uhm idk when you're going to listen to this but im sorry for not listening but.. ive messed up and i need help but uhh please get back to me soon as possible .. i love you" you ended it slightly cussing at yourself knowing he wont get back.

you laid on the grass which you couldn't feel anymore neither your body. sighing softly before tears fell knowing no one is gonna come to find you. you started to see black making you smile for the last time.

gojo had been busy for the last few days with his students completely forgetting about the problem he had with you. he opened your contact seeing a voicemail at least a few days ago. he was hoping it had been an apology or please come back to me i miss you. he tapped on the button and the first thing he heard was your cough. slightly worried until he heard the next few words. he stood there frozen and unable to move before calling Ijichi on where you last were franticly. he had told gojo that you went on a mission a few days ago and he was also slightly worried due to no contact. he had given gojo where he had dropped her off making him scurry and practically run to the place.

after a long jog gojo had made it to the place seeing it was tourist sighting but not many people were there either. gojo was freaking out looking everywhere until seeing a familiar patch of (h/c) in the corner of his eye. he stopped and retraced his steps before seeing it again. he hoped you were okay and not dead silently praying before taking a long step over the bush seeing you. he was frozen hoping all of this was a fever dream and that he would wake up in your arms again but no you were there with a little smile adorned on your face peacefully laying. looking away with a shaky breath making his way over to you and crouching down moving a few strands of hair away from your eyes. he was upset at himself and knew it was his fault. tears fell but he didnt know that at all thinking it was just raining.

he softly grabbed you in bridal style on his lap hugging you hoping you were just sleeping forgetting that there was a hole in your stomach and no heartbeat at all. cradling your head he softly swayed you in silence while all he could hear was the trees rustling and small birds talk to each other.

he sat there hours waiting for you for any sign but at the end of the day you were gone like dust in the wind.

[moonshine-nightlight]

Being sick for the past week meant that I had nothing better to do today than lay in bed and refresh tumblr waiting for chapter 34, and seeing it at the very top of my dash was the highlight of my day! The wait was definitely worth it, my health for the duration notwithstanding lol

SPOILER WARNING FOR PAST CHAPTERS IDK HOW TO PUT READ MORES IN ASKS I'M SO SORRY

You made the right call taking the extra time to edit this doozy of a chapter—figuring out how to share Dale's exposition in a way that made sense and fit into the events of the story while maintaining tonal consistency must have been quite the process, between the restrictions of Sana's POV, regency genre conventions, and the story's (heh) natural climax being Dale's identity "reveal" followed by the wedding. I'm very curious if you currently have any ideas for how you're going to tackle this exposition in the novelization, or if you're inclined to handle it differently at all!

@weasellyferret

i hope you're feeling better! i'm so glad you enjoyed the new chapter!

i hav no idea if u can even put a read more in an ask anymore and i can't hide it now but my answer will be under the read more

thanks! i think some people really underestimate how helpful even self editing is to make things coherent, especially for a long chapter like this one that covered so much but also was literally just two ppl talking to each other (ppl lov to say they'll take any update, but lik, thats cuz they dont knooow lol and i dont just want it to b passable, i want it to b good).

with lore/backstory like this i also have to make sure it makes sense to readers who havent read any of it before nor know any of the even more info that I know because there's even more worldbuilding and dale backstory that wont end up in the story.

i'm glad u think i pulled it off to any degree because i was still pretty nervous when i was posting it that it did make sense, fit in the world, was followable, interesting but not just exposition monologue, etc

yeah, chapter 30 where they have the reveal convo is the primary climax of the story and that's also 'just talking' in a sense so its interesting to write this story in that sense lol

while i had the broad outline of the world and dale's backstory from the beginning (i did a little exercise where i sketched out a sort of Dale POV of chapter 6 to get into his mindset which was super helpful) as I wrote the story a lot more of that info became fully fleshed out/defined. so for the novelization, i'll probably try to work more of the info in earlier or have better allusions to it, which will make some of the info in chapter 34 more of a quick confirmation than the exposition itself

ie i might add a chapter with more detail on Sana researching with Dale's books that Bilmont smuggles and plant suspicions of what went wrong with the summoning; i might adjust the chapter after the attack to be more of a convo about the assassination that the grandparents interrupt where Sana can suspect more of Dale's past etc and generally spread out what i can so its more foreshadowed/natural - things like that

other aspects sort of have to be told to Sana because its POV limited, evn when it is updated to 3rd POV. i'll probably do a straight POV swap and minor edit ; then take a look at it as a whole, reassess things on my own, run those ideas by some writer friends/betas and get their thoughts, and finally my editors (who i used for DSM) are also very good with making sure worldbuilding fits in right and so their advice will be helpful - especially since they will only get the draft i giv them without knowing how it was and what changed etc

once chapter 35 is out (which i'm still writing because smut is a challenge to right and i write it more slowly than other things) i'll start slowly editing and passing along to betas the rest of the story (i've got thru chap 11 done and betas who only read those and who are chomping at the bit - u think u've had a long wait? lol) but it will be spring by the time i do any big edits/revisions and then i'll giv it to the editors, who i already lik, semi-lined up for that time period and idk how long they will take because its a long book and then i'll need to process their edits too so it'll be a lengthy process, but i hope everyone knows it will 100% b a novel and i hope they enjoy it!

now back to stabbing away at the smut writing ;)

[phoenix-positivity]

29 may 2024

Yesterday was my 8 year anniversary of going no contact with my abuser and physically escaping him. (I don't remember the date for when the stalking stopped but that was about 4 years later.. I should look it up sometime)

I discovered that it's also the date that the kpop group I'm going to see in concert debuted 5 years ago. I like that those dates match. I have a weird thing for dates sometimes. I'm so excited for the concert. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. I think it was probably summer last year during vacation, visiting Europapark and a bear rescue park. (I get pretty excited about roller coasters, and I get even more excited about bears)

The concert is getting really close. I'm not done with all I wanted to prepare for it yet, but I still have some time. I'm really busy with it.

Tomorrow I have what will likely be my last EMDR apointment (if all goes well). How great of a coincidence would it have been if that appointment had been yesterday. The last EMDR processing also ending on 28th may. It's close enough. And it's close enough in date I still feel the symbolism. The question being: Will this be the last May where I have to be triggered by the seasonal effects? We can only wait for next year to discover this. I'm dreading EMDR tomorrow but I can handle it I'm sure. I've done so much worse than this.

I'm taking very good care of myself. The concert is giving me a lot of motivation to look after myself. I've been doing a skin care routine, I've cooked healthy meals for myself for a week. (This is pretty big, it had been very very long since I cooked something instead of heating up meals) To be honest I was also fed up by eating the same 5 meal options back to back. But I actually seem to have energy to prepare the meals. My PTSD symptoms are barely there anymore. I only have them if I get triggered by like pretty strong triggers. I haven't dissociated as much either, only with triggers.

There's been some changes at my work which probably help a lot in me feeling better and having more energy left. I'm able to do my job better due to this as well. I'm working less hours and I have less responsibility. This will be challenged the upcoming three weeks as I will be getting a a lot more responsibility again due to people being on vacation/sick. But I'll just do what I can and if I can't solve it I wont make it my problem. I'm not being paid for that and it's not my job to take on that role. It's only three weeks anyway.

The fact that yesterday during a pretty important date I felt like it wasn't that important of a day also is telling. The fact I felt it was a regular day like any other shows me I'm moving on and giving less importance to the abuse I went through. It no longer brings on the same intense feelings. It's starting to actually stay in the past now. It's starting to really become just like a memory that I don't have to stay stuck in. This must really be what healing from PTSD feels like. Finally being able to let go and not have it intrude into my life as much if at all. I can describe it as it becoming more fuzzy, faded out, muddied, blurred, more distanced. It's no longer crisp, fresh, crystal clear, intense, in your face. EMDR is like a magic eraser in that sense.

My therapy is coming to a close soon. My therapist told me to apply for assistance at home because I do have trouble with my housekeeping. I put in effort whenever I'm able to. The next chapter will be to focus on working with that organization to properly orchestrate my life at home. I have no clue how this will play out but we will see. My therapist has suggested it to me many times before (not pushy, just bringing it up as an option) and I finally agreed it would probably be good for me. They are supposed to specialize in autism as well so we will see.

[slashingdisneypasta]

Jim Bickerman + Wayne Jackson *Separately* x Reader || Drabble Set

Plot: Part One.

The hospital wont let you in to see him!! You're not related, so they wont even give you any important information. You're about to blow a blood vessel just to get behind those mysterious double doors and find him yourself. As a last resort, you call the dumbass brother back up and demand he come and get you in.

*Bickerman Twins AU.

Warnings: Frustrated!Tense!Reader. Angst. Hospital angst. Unedited, I sleepy.

Whaaat?? Writing semi-serious romantic fiction for two Robert Englund characters that like 4-5 people on Tumblr are interested in?? *avoiding eyecontact by staring at a rock* not meeee...

Calling Jim to come see (Your ex) Wayne:

You're already annoyed having to be here in the first place, getting dragged off your couch after work because ex as done something dubious (Probably) and gotten himself hospitalised and made you worried sick. You're even more frustrated when no one here will answer any of your questions.

He's stable, they say. Yes, you respond in an irritated tone. But what does that m e a n?? Is going to get better or is he c o m f o r t a b l e? As in, dying but without the pain.

Every time someone says We cant hand out any further information without a relative, you want to crush something.

You try to tell yourself they're just doing their jobs, because they are and you respect that, but its Wayne.

And he's not allowed to die, yet. Not without your permission. No way. He wouldn't dare. Bastard.

Finally you leave the waiting room and stand outside in the cold night time air to dial your recent call. Jim picks up after 2 rings, but he doesn't sound all there, this time. Great.

"Hey, Jim."

"Oh Y/N! Nice to hear your voice, sweetcheeks. How are you, hm??"

"Well, not great." You respond bluntly, glancing at the glowing red and white sign above the emergency room entrance. "... Look, I'm not calling to chat. They're not telling me anything because I'm not family, so you're going to have to get over your family drama and get over here, now. Okay??"

"... get to where?"

You have no patience for Jim's drunk bullshit right now. "The hospital where your brother is laying somewhere possibly dying. That place. Ring a bell??"

"... vaguely." He sounds like he definitely remembers, but would prefer not to. Not because he's worried about Wayne, but because its an added irritation sprinkled on top of what is already what you assume to be a failure of a day. Like a gross fly hanging around your head on a sweltering hot day.

"Wonderful. So??"

"So what."

"jIM!"

The screech in your voice hurts his ears, thats evident by the groan he gives, but it wakes him up at least. "Okay, okay- I get it, I heard you, yeah. Uh-... Y'want me to come talk to the doctors about Wayne... Um... I would... but...- "

"Oh no!" You snap. "No buts!"

"... but- "

"No!" You insist, shaking your head. "He is possibly dying, Jim- or dead, since I last asked. And maybe you don't want anything to do with him anymore, which I understand since he's a pain in the ass, but I- " Something in you clenches and you take a deep breath to steady yourself. To stop yourself from crying. You're keeping it together, god-fucking-damnit. "But I don't care. Scrape your pathetic drunk ass off whatever sticky bar stool you're currently wasting away on and come visit your brother, or visit a nice lady in deaths reception- because if you don't come here I will send you there myself. I don't care, but either way, make your decision-- NOW!"

Then you hang up, and take another deep breath; crisp air filling up your lungs and making you feel dizzy. "... I need fries." You finally sigh out when the anger thins out leaving behind just the exhaustion, turning heavily on your aching feet back towards the door. Drenched in tomato sauce.

Mmm...

After you methodically emptied 5 packets of ketchup onto your stale, lukewarm hospital cafeteria fries and eaten one- you can feel your entire body coming back to life. If only to tell you how achy you are from work and then getting here and stressing so bad the whole way. Calm down, its yelling at you. And with the salty chippies in front of you and the taste of tomato sauce on your tongue, you almost do.

... But then you remember how badly you want to see Wayne okay, and how it surprised you how hard this hit you even after all this time. You made him leave back then; you got away just in time, before you became a casualty in his terrible life. You did the smart thing. You're the smart one! You've always been the smart one; you practically had no choice.

But apparently not all of you is smart.

Letting out a slow breath through your nose, you lean your forehead into you the heels of your hands, elbows on the table.

When your phone buzzes you manage to wrangle it out of your pocket and chuck it on the table, weakly opening it up and sighing as you read your notification.

Give me a few hours.

You can pay me in bourbon.

Slowly you type out a thank you.

Calling Wayne to come see (Your ex) Jim:

After you hang up on Reba (You annoyed the nurse enough that she called the woman who dropped Jim off so she could speak to you- and that was Reba. But she told you that he got half eaten up by a giant fucking crocodile and now you don't feel any better), you get out your own phone and unblock Wayne's number- then press call before you can back out of it, and wait impatiently for him to answer.

It takes him 6 awful rings, but just when you're ready to curse him out of pure frustration (And tiredness- it took a lot longer to get here then you first thought. Its 4am, now.) he picks up. 'Hello'-ing you like he doesn't know who this is. Whether he does or not you roll your eyes and mimic him with all the restrained annoyance of a sneering 5-year-old. "hElLo. Wayne! Its me again."

"Oh, well hey. Uh, you seen him yet?"

"No!!" You cry, frustrated and forgetting for a second that he doesn't actually care. "They wont let me, I'm not family." When he merrily hums into the receiver, like he's not really paying attention (like instead of sympathising with you over his brother being in hospital, he's flicking through a newspaper or taking a sip of lukewarm coffee) you breath in a sharp, clipped breath. Right. You're alone. "Anyway- come here."

He perks up immediately on his end of the line. "Heheh, oh?? Well, this is sudden, but uh... sure. Something I said resonated with you, huh?"

"I need you to come and get information about Jim. Get me into the room. You're his brother."

"... oh."

"Please."

"Ehhhh... you know; I'm kinda busy... "

Ughhh- "You are not!" You snap, sounding petulant. You don't care, you're tired... and you're worried... and you suddenly cant remember why you left Jim because you need him to be okay so bad that your chest hurts. You've been trying not to stop this whole time, bothering nurses with phone calls and eventually your face for hours, because if you don't you might cry. After a moment, and he doesn't respond, you take a deep breath and force yourself to sound calm. You know you sound psychotic but at this point you don't really care. You turn away from other people in the busy waiting room. "Wayne- Believe me, if you do not get your crusty ass into a car, or a plane, or a train, or a really fast bus and help me, then I am going to track you down, and get you. Trust me, I have the annual leave lined up. I will find you, and not even Lyle will be able to save you."

"See, now, I'm kinda intrigued~ Maybe I want you to come get me, huh sweetheart?"

"I will squeeze you so hard the little hole your blanks come out of closes up for good, Wayne."

"Jesus- "

"Hop to it! Now!" You snap, then hang up and go get a shot of chocolate from a vending machine. Clearly, you need it.

When you finally sit down 10 minutes later in the cafeteria, a coffee and a crumbly brownie in front of you, you give a sigh and stretch your legs out under the wobbly table. You know somewhere in this hospital Jim and he might be dying, and thats a nightmare coming to life that you're not mature enough- not equipped enough- to deal with.

When your phone vibrates in your pocket your pull it out and read the text with heavy, tired eyes.

On my way. Lyle's real mad. Get ready to give me a big kiss hello, sugar.

Slowly you let out a deep, relieved breath.

[alstroemerian-dragon]

ouuuuhhh so ive been attempting for a hot minute to associate this particular san fermin song w kuzuhina because i really like the vibes but i couldnt. find the bit. yknow the Bit. the Nugget.

finally found it.

(under the cut. warning: this is an au ramble and it gets Long)

first off:

okay. the au:

these two kids live in a small town. maybe not super rural, and not right by the big city, but its your typical smaller japanese suburb. neither of them are happy. theyre maybe ten or eleven, but one of them lives in an upper class, extremely controlling household, one where his parents constantly fight, and hes been subjected to at least some level of abuse. he also knows theres something wrong with him, something that makes him different from even his peers, though he cant quite see what it is yet. the other is alone, distant from his parents, distant from his peers, deeply depressed and unaware that hes even himself.

but theyre friends. in some ways, theyre all the other has in this fucked up place, and a majority of their happiest memories are with each other. they make a promise, one night, that someday, when theyre a bit older, theyll run away together. theyll escape this terrible town and theyll travel the world and theyll be together, and everything will be okay.

and then they grow up.

theyre still friends. but now hajime has figured out, to an extent, who he is, started at least socially transitioning as they get into high school. they make other friends, outside of fuyuhiko’s odd relationship with peko (the daughter of one of their family’s servants), find people to connect with. hajime reaches out, gets a crush on chiaki that she returns, maybe they even start dating. he changes.

and fuyuhiko… doesnt.

maybe hes too stubborn, maybe hes been burned too many times, maybe hes just too poisoned by his parents’ rhetoric. but he wont, or maybe cant, step too far outside of the box hes placed himself in. he watches hajime drift, feels panic inside, doesnt know how to fix it. they argue. hajime worries. fuyuhiko shrugs it off.

when theyre seventeen, fuyuhiko’s dad finds out hes been fooling around with other boys. hiding magazines, clearing his search history of anything incriminating. the confrontation doesnt go well.

he has to get out. its the end of the line, at this point. fuyuhiko has to get out. he packs, he plans, he prepares. he waits just long enough to knock on hajimes window, late at night, like he used to when they were kids and hed sneak out so they could run into the woods together.

he asks hajime to come with him. just the two of them, like they promised.

and hajime… says no.

he cant. he cant leave, not now. not when hes built something around himself. he has a girlfriend, a support system, his parents are barely in his life and as soon as he doesnt live with them they basically wont be. hes already preparing for university, locally. he cant just throw all of that out the window.

he tells fuyuhiko that he doesnt have to go. fuyuhiko knows better. wiping away tears and ignoring how it feels like his heart rips in two, he leaves, gets on the first train out of town, and doesnt look back.

hes gone for more than six years.

in that time, hajime goes to university, gets a degree. he and chiaki go steady, they both start hormones, they get good jobs that keep their heads above water. his parents arent in his life anymore. the kuzuryus move out of town, and he and natsumi share awkward goodbyes. she knows, deep down, that the only thing that could have made fuyuhiko stay was hajime, and since that didnt work… nothing could. peko stays, having grown up in her own time, and she and hajime bond over this quiet feeling of emptiness.

hes not sure exactly what it is. he misses fuyuhiko, of course, every day. misses him like a sickness that lingers in his lungs for weeks. but theres a piece of him that doesnt quite fit right, and it takes a long time for him to figure out how its connected.

and then, one day, out of nowhere, fuyuhiko reappears.

theyre in their mid 20s at this point. hes grown, though not much taller. he has scars, shorter hair, tattoos. hes cagey about where hes been, what hes been up to, who hes been with. he mentions traveling, and he mentions hospital visits. at some point, hajime stops asking, because some part of him doesnt want to know. the rest of him is just happy fuyuhiko is here again.

he asks how long fuyuhiko will be in town. the man shrugs, says ‘depends.’ hajime asks if he has a place to stay yet. he says no, he was probably just gonna book a hotel room.

he and chiaki have a pretty comfortable pullout couch, hajime says. if that would be okay for fuyuhikos back.

a bit hesitantly, fuyuhiko agrees.

for a week or two, things are… good. amazing, even. having fuyuhiko back in his life is like a puzzle piece clicking into place, like hajimes found something he didnt even realize he was missing. at first, theyre just catching up, getting lunch, roaming old haunts. catching up on lost time. but then they stop being away from each other at all. its like theyre joined at the hip, unable to be out of each others presence for more than a few minutes, and chiaki starts to notice. of course she does, she and hajime are engaged. she knows him better than he does, sometimes. and she and fuyuhiko were friends too, of a sort. though he wouldnt have let himself admit that.

she sees how he looks at her fiance. she understands, too, that hajime looks back just the same.

and then one night, shes out of the house. out with friends, staying at work late, out of town for the evening, it doesnt matter. its just the two men at their apartment, and hajime breaks out the sake. they drink, even though fuyuhiko generally cant stand the stuff, and they talk about the past.

it gets… personal. strained. they talk about things they probably shouldnt. they get heated, and upset, and they argue, and they say things they dont mean. fuyuhiko admits to being involved with unsavory business on the outside, that yeah, he fell in with the yakuza, and hes kind of on the lam right now if hes honest. hajime says if hed just stayed they could have been fine. he wouldnt be scarred and constantly looking over his shoulder. he would have been okay.

fuyuhiko says he couldnt have bared to be here any longer. that this town was smothering him, was smothering them, and he thought hajime understood that. says that he probably wouldnt still be alive if hed stayed.

in the middle of the fight, he kisses hajime. its something thats lived in his heart for so long, something hes never let himself admit or even indulge in, that even with the distance between them, even with all that time away, he cares so much for hajime. too much. so much so that it makes him reckless and impulsive and a danger to himself. hes not sure if its to prove a point or shut hajime up or stop the argument or just because hes an idiot, and he immediately regrets it, except… hajime kisses him back.

and then he kisses fuyuhiko again.

it doesnt last long. theyre both far too drunk on too empty stomachs, they both feel sick, from nausea and from the sinking realization of what theyre doing. what this means. its late, and theyre exhausted and wrung out, and they both go to sleep, apart. hajime in he and chiakis bed. fuyuhiko on the couch.

early in the morning, when chiaki returns home, that couch is empty. fuyuhikos things are gone. there isnt even a note.

and nearly ten years go by before they meet again.

hajime and chiaki get married. they settle down. they get an actual house, shockingly enough, and they end up adopting a kid. they start to get the surgeries they want and need, they change jobs, they branch out. they have support networks, and more experience just living, and maybe chiaki realizes first, maybe she realized a long time ago, maybe she knows that her husband loves her dearly but understands that there is a piece of him irrevocably tied to someone who isnt there. she knows. she gets it.

she doesnt force it. doesnt bring it up. leaves it to the man she loves to discover on his own, and he’ll confide in her if he needs to.

and then, in their mid 30s, on one nice afternoon, hajime and chiaki take their daughter to the zoo in the city. its warm and sunny, the place is full but not too crowded, and their daughter is around six or seven. shes tugging her dad around by the hand, unbelievably excited, and hajime is indulgent and laughing as chiaki trails after them.

they approach the part of the exhibit where the cranes are, tall and majestic and white, with their curved necks and sharp beaks. hajimes daughter runs to the edge of the balcony, jumping up and peering over it, and he calls after her to slow down, that hes only so fast. she looks back, but something catches her eye.

the man standing beside her, a couple feet away, has his sleeves rolled up.

“daddy!” she calls, as hajime approaches. “why does have pictures on his arms?”

hajime looks, down, at the colors that swirl across the mans skin. up across scars and the loose white dress shirt he wears. the fairly nice camera held in hands with long, lithe fingers that are far too familiar.

hes almost afraid to look up too far. his chest aches.

he does anyway, and meets a single golden eye, soft pink lips parted in surprise, as he and fuyuhiko are face to face again.

they dont have long to take in whats happening. six year olds are curious and far more observant than their given credit for, and hajimes daughter scoots closer, asking about the ink in fuyuhikos arms. what that is, what the pictures are. it distracts him, from staring into hajimes eyes, and after a brief moment of hesitation, he leans down and starts to explain tattoos, that his were very traditionally done, that he usually hides them but it was just so nice today.

he glances back up into hajimes eyes. says he doesnt really care what people think right now.

chiaki, a ways behind them, finally approaches, and greets fuyuhiko warmly. explains to their daughter that hes an old friend, that they havent seen him in a long time, and that her dad and he have a lot to catch up on. picking up the little girl, briefly squeezing her husbands shoulder and giving fuyuhiko a warm, steady look, she walks away, and the two men are left alone.

for a while, neither of them know what to say. finally, fuyuhiko asks about the kid, if shes, yknow, theirs or not. no, hajime laughs, they adopted. but he adores her, takes her to school, runs around with her outside, plays video games with her. theyre just in the city for a day trip, today, and have plans to go out to eat before heading back home.

its silent again, for a while. he asks how long fuyuhiko will be in the area. quietly, achingly. how much longer until i lose you again.

but fuyuhiko laughs a little, fiddles with his camera. hes actually in the city for school, weirdly enough. hes a lot older than most of his peers in his classes, but hes back to get a degree, maybe get a real job. hes done with all the shit from before, cut ties with the yakuza. its the first time he openly admits what hes been doing for the past eighteen years, and hajimes heart aches. that he wasnt able to help, wasnt able to pull fuyuhiko out of that.

they look at each other, and realize they dont know the person standing next to them. not anymore.

but somehow… that doesnt really matter. maybe the new person standing in their place is worth knowing too.

as they talk, hajime texts chiaki. when he gets a response, he invites fuyuhiko to come with them to dinner that night, for old times’ sake. he agrees, and actually joins the three of them wandering around the zoo for the rest of the afternoon too.

they take the train together, eat dinner. fuyuhiko is incredibly sweet with their daughter, falls in love with her instantly. shes bright and curious and talkative and constantly moving, and she points out that hes shorter than even her mommy and he cant even find it in himself to get mad.

at the end of the night, they have to go home. hajime, chiaki, and their daughter back to town, fuyuhiko back to his apartment. they say their goodbyes, and hajime lingers, unable to keep himself from hugging fuyuhiko for far longer than he should, far longer than what would be considered normal. cant stop himself from reaching up and brushing his fingers against fuyuhikos cheek below his fake eye.

he asks if fuyuhiko has a cell number thats available. fuyuhiko smiles and pulls out his phone.

they stay in contact over the next few weeks. their both busy with work and fuyuhiko with school, and they steer clear of talking about anything too hard, but they text almost daily. its not that hajime is neglecting his family either, hes just… there was always some space, a hole in his life that never felt right. and now theres something there, and it doesnt quite fit properly yet, but hes willing to just be happy its there at all.

fuyuhiko mentions reconnecting with peko, reconnecting with his sister. going to classes, exploring the city. he sends dumb selfies of him and his new puppy, and hajime sends pictures back of his daughter covered in paint from when they were painting the bathroom.

a few weeks in, chiaki asks if fuyuhiko should come over for dinner some time, maybe even to stay the night on their couch. like old times. hajime is reluctant, at first, memories of the last time that happened cropping up. but theyre older now, and fuyuhiko has responsibilities and ties, and he cant run anymore. neither can hajime. so he asks, and fuyuhiko says yes, and they plan for it to be a night where none of them have responsibilities in the morning so they can stay up after the kid’s gone to bed.

they do. dinner is wonderful, of course, and they watch a movie afterward to put their daughter to sleep, and once shes been moved to the bedroom, they break out the sake. fuyuhiko refrains, and hajime and chiaki dont drink much, just enough to loosen their tongues. the three of them talk, about the past, about when they were kids, about their families. about chiaki and hajimes transitions, about how they stayed together despite everything, though there were momentary break ups. fuyuhiko talks about his own journeys, about being caught in a spiral with the mob, about debts and violence and breaking out of it. he talks about how deeply in the closet he was for such a long time, how much it was tearing him apart. he talks about his parents, and his sister, how glad he is that she broke free from them after so long. he talks about boyfriends and one night stands and drunken mistakes.

chiaki tries to say something. tries to get them to talk properly. but hajime shuts it down, still unwilling to go too far.

when they turn in for the night, fuyuhiko on the couch, the two of them talk in bed before sleep. chiaki finally verbally says what shes been thinking for so long, that she thinks hajime loves fuyuhiko, has for a long time, maybe since they were kids. that she thinks he should give it a chance. theyre already two trans people, theyre already all queer, whats one more social transgression?

hajime is quiet. its something hes known, he thinks, for a while. just hasnt wanted to admit it. hasnt wanted to ruin what he has, what hes so meticulously built. hes just grateful fuyuhiko is here again, that hes alive and in hajimes life again for the first time in years. he doesnt want to, cant lose that. not again.

so he keeps it locked down. he says he cant, and he doesnt want to talk about it. chiaki, sadly, turns over, and flicks off the light.

in the morning, hajime gets up and finds the couch empty. for a moment, he panics, before realizing there are sounds coming from the kitchen, and when he enters, he finds fuyuhiko making breakfast. hes not doing a great job. hes not really much of a cook. but he wanted to pay them back for how kind and open theyve been, how accepting theyve been of him being back in their lives. he wants to show how grateful he is.

hajime just laughs, and says if he wants to do that, he can show it by letting hajime help so that breakfast doesnt burn. fuyuhiko cant really argue with that. they move around each other like its second nature, like theyve done it forever. like this is how its supposed to be.

when chiaki appears in the doorway, they dont see her at first. but she watches, and she smiles, and when they do notice her arrival, she slots into the dance easily. like there was always going to be space for her.

their daughter is sad that uncle hiko has to go home, but he promises he’ll be back. maybe he’ll even bring a present for her next time he comes over for dinner. that gets her excited. he looks up at hajime and winks, says maybe he’ll bring a present for him and chiaki too. it makes hajimes face feel warm, and he shoves the sappy thoughts away before they can get too strong.

for a while, they live in this limbo. fuyuhiko comes over for dinner, spends time with their daughter, watches movies and plays board games and rants about school with them. he and hajime text constantly when hes not around. his absence leeches into everything, now, far more openly than before, and even for chiaki. she finds herself missing him when she and her daughter watch a movie the girl loves for the millionth time, because the last time they watched it he was here. theres a cold spot on the couch where fuyuhiko should be sitting.

one day, hajime runs into peko, very suddenly. its been a long time since theyve seen each other, with her having her own life, and him being busy with work. they were never that close when they were young anyway. but he asks her to get coffee, spontaneously, and to his surprise she agrees. they talk, skirting around the elephant in the room for a while, but eventually it becomes impossible not to talk about fuyuhiko. peko is happy to hear hes been coming over so much, mentions that she and him have remained in contact as well, though not the extent hes maintained contact with the nanamis. they mostly talk about school, if shes honest.

she admits, quietly, that she used to love him. that part of her probably always will. but shes happy with her girlfriend, and glad that she has him as a friend at the very least. and she thinks hes happier with hajime anyway.

hajime stammers that theyre not, like, together, hes not with fuyuhiko, not like, well, like that. peko just tilts her head and gives him a knowing look, takes a sip of her coffee. says something about chiaki being reasonable, about how it hardly matters. says that the people who really matter wont care.

it lingers in hajimes head for a long time. eventually, he cant stand it, and he sits down with chiaki to have a long talk about this, about how he loves her so much and he doesnt want to leave her, that he cant, but that at the same time, he does love fuyuhiko. he can admit that, finally. he wants to be able to hold fuyuhiko, to kiss him, to be close with him and feel that warmth between them. and all chiaki does is smile, agree that he deserves that, that she wants fuyuhiko in their lives too. that he doesnt have to leave her to be with fuyuhiko. that she wants this for both of them.

hajime plans meticulously. something nice, maybe even fancy, but not too over the top. fuyuhiko likes subtlety, likes class. doesnt like too much attention on something like this. they decide to wait until their daughters class trip, so she’ll be out of the house for a few days, chiaki with her as a chaperone. itll just be the two men.

fuyuhiko is surprised by the invitation, but he doesnt say no. hes nervous, obviously. he doesnt know what hajime does, is scared if taking things too far. hes loved hajime for years, has known for years, and he doesnt want to fuck this up like he did when they were in their 20s. when he was far more hurt and far more scared and far more reckless. hes come to terms with the fact that hes never gonna have more, that he missed out, didnt manage to get the guy, and is happy enough to just have hajime in his life like he does.

they go out to dinner, just the two of them. hajime mentions at least twice that chiaki helped him plan this whole thing, trying to get across her approval. hes not sure it works, and fuyuhiko seems generally bewildered by the heavier atmosphere, confused by hajimes insistence on paying, and how hajime asks him to get in the car but wont tell him where theyre going.

their daughters class trip is for a festival, to see the bigger celebrations in the city. but there are still smaller ones here, in their hometown, and when hajime parks the car on a hill and gets out, and fuyuhiko looks down on the lights of the festival and the garlands and moving rivers of people down below, hes not confused anymore.

okay, maybe thats a lie. he is still confused. but he knows sort of why theyre here.

they sit and watch the lights, watch the sun go down and the stars twinkle into existence. they talk, mostly about nothing, about life, about school and work. they eat karinto, because hajime knows its fuyuhikos favorite, and they make jokes at each others expense and laugh and get close. and then theres a lull in the conversation.

hajime quietly asks if he can try something. asks fuyuhiko not to freak out when he does. as confused and scared as that makes him, fuyuhiko agrees.

and hajime kisses him.

theyre not drunk this time. they dont have that excuse. fuyuhiko is frozen, unsure how to respond, if he should, if hes allowed. when his voice comes back, he croaks something about chiaki. hajime reminds him that she helped plan this whole thing. “even this?” “…well, maybe not down to the exact details. but kissing you was the end goal, so… yeah. even this.”

fuyuhiko cant barely believe whats happening, can barely breathe. hajime murmurs something about needing him, about the hole in his life that had been there so long it had turned to normalcy. how fuyuhikos return had upended that normalcy, had made that hole in his chest ache like crazy because finally something was here that could fill it. how hed denied himself even the ability to consider it because he was afraid of taking that leap.

he says how funny it is, that after all this time, theyre both still running away.

fuyuhiko sets his jaw, cups hajimes face in his hands, and kisses him back.

they stay for a while, on that hill, with the distant sounds of the festival and their sweets forgotten between them. trading kisses and soft touches, hardly any words. its hard not to just get lost in it, this feeling of completion, of two pieces that never quite fit right finally finding the angle that makes them match. hajime insists that chiaki supports this, that when she comes home fuyuhiko can ask her. that she’ll be thrilled. that their daughter will be confused, sure, but ultimately fine. she’ll come to understand as she gets older. it’ll be hard, and weird, and they wont always get to be open about it.

but he doesnt care. he just wants to lie here, pressing his lips to fuyuhikos, and running his hands over the mans skin like its all hes ever wanted in his life.

eventually, they have to leave. its chilly, and theyre both tired and full of both food and warmth. on the drive back, hajimes hand lingers on fuyuhikos thigh, warm and heavy. at some point, fuyuhiko takes it in his own, brings it to his lips and kisses the knuckles. he flushes when he does, and all hajime does is smile and stroke his cheek.

chiaki is, as we already know, supportive. she insists that she knows hajime loves them both, that shes confident in their relationship, and that she cares about fuyuhiko too. they tell their daughter that if she sees daddy kissing uncle hiko, its perfectly okay, and mommy knows and is happy for them. she gets it, eventually. kids are smart, and a lot more accepting of things that people give them credit for.

fuyuhiko still stays in school, aiming for his degree. he still has his apartment in the city. but he comes over as often as he can, for family nights, for dates with hajime, for late nights with the married couple talking about adult things. for babysitting their daughter. uncle hiko becomes one of her favorite people, because hes just a little bit too indulgent, and will let her get away with stuff her parents never would. neither of them mind too much. they love watching him interact with their daughter, love that hes in her life. that hes in their lives.

thats all they can ask for.

[anniesocsandgeneralstore]

Looking for new au ideas you say??? (I saw those tags!) 👀

How about NFL player Jake and Ronnie (who works for the team in some capacity that's NOT a cheerleader) and the "we had fun" prompt.

I also wouldn't be mad if you made Jake play for the Indianapolis Colts. Just sayin'.... 👀😆

(I will question our friendship if you make him a Patriot! 😂)

oh fuck now this is a concept (and ofc he's on the Indianapolis Colts who do you think I am GO COLTS BITH!!!)

Jake would make such a perfect hot-shot tight end who won a heisman or some shit at Texas while in college

and no i don't want Ronnie to be a cheerleader either. too cliche.

but like the thought of her as a coach?? like one of the first female coaches ever and she's worked so fucking hard to get where she is.

she's not one of the Big Three in coaching or anything (maybe Brad is), like she's the Tight Ends Coach or something. She is competent and good at what she does and the Colts took a huge gamble on her.

everyone looks down on her cause she's a woman, and doubts her ability and if the season goes poorly they've all decided exactly where the blame is going to be put. It's a lot of pressure, but she knows that she's good and is determined to prove everyone wrong.

ah but then she starts fooling around with one of her players: Jake.

the first time was probably like, the boys begging her to go out for drinks and she agrees reluctantly (again, she has to be SO CAREFUL with everything she does). aaannnnddd she accidentally drunkenly goes home with Jake.

and of course they can't get enough of one another. ronnie is so worried about someone finding out. the season is going well so far but.....if she screws up even once she's so fired.

but then she gets pregnant

and if that doesn't just throw a wrench in EVERYTHING

she holds Jake back after practice under the guise of talking through a play he can't seem to get right.

but then she drops the bomb on him

and he reacts with the prompt "Look, we had fun. It was good! But, you know...I didn't sign up for this. I'm not exactly cut out for the parenting life."

"And you think I am?"

she is set to get an abortion. quiet and simple. she'd get to move on with her life and focus on her career and forget about Jake. goes so far as to go to the clinic. but she can't go through with it. she just can't.

a few weeks later jake probably asks her quietly if she handled "the problem"

without even looking at him, focused solely on the drills the guys are running. "I'm keeping it."

she probably waits until she literally cant anymore to say something to the head coach and general manager because she's terrified of getting fired. they ask who the father is but she refuses to tell them, that that's her business. they decide to keep her on, the season will be well over before her maternity leave, and they'll wait to see after that.

of course she tells brad who the father is and he is of course pissed that Jake isn't taking any responsibility for it. but Ronnie is okay with it. he didn't sign up for this.

she doesn't tell her players in exact terms that she's pregnant. she just doesn't know how to tell them. the guys love her (probably like Javy and Reuben), think she's the best tight end coach they've ever had and they will fight for her to stay as much as they can. but it's just....awkward cause jake knows and he wont stop staring at her.

they know she was sick for a while, working through the illness cause they're in the middle of the season and there's no time to be sick. she literally just carries around a bucket during practice lol

then she walks into practice one day and...she is clearly showing and they're all like "omg you're pregnant??? why didn't you say anything? that's so exciting!! who's the father?"

"there's no father."

idk something something Jake struggles with his emotions and is just generally a jerk for a while until he gets his shit together. cause he does care about Ronnie. both professionally and personally. he thinks she's one hell of a woman and if she wasn't his coach he probably would get into a relationship with her. but that's a relationship that's never been done and is just assumed isn't allowed.

an interesting scene, and probably the one that makes jake get his shit together, is during a game an opposing wide receiver and a few defensive players collide with the Colts sideline and of course Ronnie is there. she refuses to miss a game even in her condition (at this point i'd say she's probably twenty weeks??)

she doesn't get hit directly but she does get knocked over in the chaos

she's so embarrassed that the game gets put on timeout for medical to come get her. and she can just see the headlines now. but she is also terrified cause she got hit pretty hard and what if she lost the baby? she'd gotten attached. she looked forward to being a mom. she loved the little bean already. she couldn't lose them.

as soon as she's down jake rushes over to her and carries her away from everybody, through the tunnel and into the locker room. he talks to her to distract her from everything that's going on. but the baby's not moving and ronnie is so so scared.

"She's not moving - I can't, I can't feel her - "

"It's a girl?"

Ronnie just nods, she hates that she's crying. but she's glad no one else followed them in there.

"Can I?" he asks, hand raised tentatively towards her belly. "M-Maybe I'll be able to feel her moving."

"Okay."

It takes a minute, but eventually, he feels the baby moving around in there and they both laugh in relief.

He says that he's sorry for being an ass. She can't just forgive him like that, but she's willing to give him a chance. For their baby.

Then the emts show up with the gurney and he helps her on, watches her get pushed away. Reuben runs in to tell him they've gotta go, game's starting back up.

anyway after that they're pretty sweet on one another, but NO ONE can find out about their relationship or the fact that he's the father. she is staying in his very, very nice house in Carmel though (shout out to the roundabout hell).

the rest of the season goes well, they go to the Superbowl (a girl can dream) when she is about to pop. they end up winning (again a girl can DREAM OKAY?) and Jake gets so pumped that he kisses her on the sidelines.

it's such excitement and so much emotion that her water breaks and she gets rushed to the hospital to have the baby

obviously it gets out that jake's the father, but goddamn if ronnie's work on the team wasn't what got them to the Superbowl so...they get to keep seeing each other and she's promoted to Quarterback Coach.

She brings little baby girl to every practice in one of those little chest carriers. all the big football players are so cute with her. i can't.

uh anyway.....i may or may not be in love with this concept.....

[kenzie30david]

Help From A Stranger

Pairing: EZ Reyes x Reader

Summary: You run into a group of men on and they offer to help you. You were trying to lose the man that had been following you for at least half a block now. Your fear in addition to the Santa Padre heat made you feel sick. Thankful that you wore comfortable shoes you were able to walk pretty fast. You turned around once again to see if he was following you and of course, he was. Turning around you see a group of men hanging around motorcycles. Getting an idea you head straight for them. Your eyes land on one man whose back is towards you but you see his vest says Prospect. You tap his shoulder rather urgently waiting for him to turn around. Once he does you’re taken back by how handsome this stranger was. Before he could ask you anything you threw your arms around your neck pulling him close to you. Unsure what to do his hands softly settled on your waist. “Please help me, this man has been following for a while and I cant shake him.” Once he hears your words he looks over your shoulder and sees a man staring at the two of you clearly very upset. You feel his hand rub your back reassuringly “I got you.” A sigh falls from your lips as you take a step back, the mans hands still on your waist. “Im Y/N by the way.” The stranger smiles, gosh could you look at that smile all day. “Im Ezekiel, but my friends here call me EZ.” You turn seeing three other men looking at you and Ezekiel strangely. Keeping a reassuring hand on your back EZ leads you to the other men. “That guy over there has been folowing her.” The three men turn their bodies towards you “Don’t worry querida, we’ve all got you.” Nodding your head you find your body relaxing into Ezekiel's. The three men head to where that man is still staring at the five of you. “While my friends go handle that, what do you say we get a bite?” You see a glimmer of hope in his eyes, that you couldn’t possibly turn him down. “Yea, Id like that, but dinners on me.” Shaking his head, he places his hand on your back again leading you around the corner. Once you’ve walked for a little bit you see that he’s led you to a funnel cake stand. You busrt out laughing with pure child like excitement. EZ looks at you quizzically before smiling at your reaction. Giggling you wrap tug him towards the stand both of you order. After you have your funnel cakes you both sit ad talk for a while enjoying the piece in each others company. “So, next meal is on me. I know the perfect spot for actual food!” EZ smirks looking at you. “Oh so I get to see you again?” Nodding your head you bite your lip looking down “Only if you want to.” EZ places his fingers under your chin tilting your head up. “Of course princesa. Its a date!” With that you kiss his cheek and continue to talk amongst yourselves until the three men from earlier come and find you. “Alright miss, you dont have to worry anymore. He wont bother you.” You smile at the men, “Thank you so much for helping me. I dont know what I would have done if I didnt fin you.” “Ah querida, no need to thank up, it was all the prospect here.” You smile looking at EZ, “Well thanks prospect!”

[minibunbon]

Absolutely crying about how useless the internet is now a days ;_; 

I started reading punpun (like 100 years too late I know) and why is there literally no place for like spoiler free dicussions anymore. I just want to chat about v1+2 without spoilers and enjoy my slow read through of it (b/c I am slow at reading everything now a days woops).

Please if anyone would like to chat about punpun but now spoil things please talk to me. 

[Goodnigth Punpun - V1 + V2 English Omibus Spoilers Bellow]

I really like it so far, and I’ve always wanted to read it but it. I know minimal things about it but it being a depressing coming of age / life line story I always wanted to wait until I felt like I was in an place where I feel ready to read it. And I am glad I did b/c it’s real intense, but also uggg it really is so good, I think it captures how depressing the world is so well. And the monologues are so raw. 

Also I really love yuichi’s character, and I can just tell this man is set up for failure but I want him to learn and grow from his mistakes so bad. He seems like a nice man who is just unable to grow from his experiences and it’s so depressing. In a weird way I find myself connecting to him more than anyone else in the story. Not that I share experiences/are the same age as him. But I feel like that lonely unsure of what to do with your life afraid to over commit to anything before you ‘ruin’ things for good (for example like punpun’s parents may feel they have)... Extremely relatable for the young adult in me.

I don’t really connect to punpu yet tbh, I’ve only seen him through elementary and middle school so far. I really do like the potrayal of his just fear of himself and fear of loneliness. And also his lack of good role models and subsequent view of the the world because of it. It’s really so sad all of it lmao. I guess that’s the point of the book. But it’s really just a lot of bad circumstances with good stuff mixed in but you know if people don’t have the right love and support in the end what can you do. 

Especially with volume one, all PWC stuff was kind of wild. I feel like it’s really a fine line between children just being children and also the real danger and skewed understanding of everything they get from exploration of things they might not be ready or might be scared by... Like children will always be curious about this stuff... I mean everyone is, but these kids got into some deep shit because of some of the things they saw and many of them will come out with trully formitive expeirences for the worse. I think they will all kind of be fucked up because of this after all... 

Anyways I kind of just want all of the adults int this to try a little bit harder and be a little bit better people. Because it just feels like they all have it in them if they just tried a bit more... For punpun’s and aiko’s sake. But I know it wont be like that. And since punpun and aiko kids they will not be able to break any trauma they have yet, so it continues to fester within them as they grow. Maybe they will in the future, but also maybe they won’t. And that’s just sad. Life really is about just observing those aroudn you and either trying to become a better person for whatever reason or failing to do so. 

Also in v2 there’s this whole part about punpun thinking he’s this terrible vile thing for wanting yaguchi to loose, and when he does he feels sick about it. And it’s just very relatable, the feeling of like being the worst person in the whole work when you’re 13 years old and feel any emotion what so ever. Again it’s the whole tthese are all normal things for children but without any proper guidance or safe space to explore/understand these things then it all just consumes and makes them feel awful. Honestly amazing of this Inio Asano dude for capturing how a depressed child thinks/feels/acts/views the world. 

Anyways my take away from these two volumes is very much just, how much I wish everyone was just a bit of a better person. Then none of this would have happened and no one would be sad. But the world’s not like this at all.

[iknowyouliedbane]

The Story & Legend of Lord Banegrivm aka Rogueknight

Banegrivm's Discord is Banegrivm#3328 or banegrivm#3328

The Fist is his guild.Say you met him on WOW Emerald Dreams, say you noticed his lovely his armour or something. This bloke won't know what hit em.

Here kitty kitty Pumpkin where are you little mans...I heard him say in over voice chat once a long time ago. Must have cats working his magic for him.

He has been attacking me through the ether. Nothing he has stated online or otherwise, has been made a secret. He habitually blasts his personal business in chat on Emerald Dreams on a regular basis, if you are in his guild. Which I am. I am right here within his ranks. Ive seen people come, ive seen people go. Ive heard about all the victims he ruined mentally/emotionally/ etc and never gets justice served to him for his crimes. He thinks he is s leader, but he is more like the police. He is not good at being the leader is this guild, and here on discord, I have seen it all.

He vapes weed out the side dorr of his place in Mechanicsburg, PA, upper floor, he is behind 2 security doors. He sleeps during the day like a vampire. I know this because ive been stalking him for years. Im in Wisconsin but sometimes go to Pennsylvania for skiing at the family cabin, so yeah I made a pass to verify that he lives there, even though way out the way! But anyways, just to see if what I found lonline as public information, was true, which he does live there. But I dont care, I just forgot the address and moved on, but I know that he is in hiding and has no income, makes everyone here in the guild pay his way, pay for the game subscription, his stuff is all charity for him, he is not on disablility not going there, but anyways he has no income becasue he begs ofr help from me and others, and im sick of it. Now that I know that truth, i feel bad for him. Kind of, but not really, he could get a job and leave his abusvie mom who looks over his shoulder the whole time, he even made her a moderator and its creepy, sometimes I think he is living vicariously through her, like she isnt doing it, she isnt emailing harrassing emails to his rejectors, (all me again), fake accounts) and I think he is living in insanity. He doesnt have an identity anymore, he lost that when he 'lost face" with society, and now an outcast, so he lives in issolation. He dreams of taking us all to court, he said to us, that all the people who stalked him online should pay, yet, he was the only one abusing anyone. Im wise enough to know that, yet here I am, a part of his dark sick twisted circus. He has no idea he added me as a member to The Fist, and then he met Vinnchzzk or " whoever the hell that is".., after "she" left the guild I realized he had no idea that "she" was a HE. He thinks Vinn is the first version of "her" he has met. Vinn is a guy!!!!! Its a big fat joke on him!!!!! He fell for it, she isnt even a real person. April had the charactor online from a guild in another state, and her photos were used but its not actually her, she has nothing to do with the discord, guild, cuild chat, WOW, EverQuest, etc etc etc. She only was in a couple of our D&D sessions, and that whole youtube thing went nowhere fast, The Dept of Dread on youtube playing a Ravenloft campaign in 2021ish?)

He thinks he met the real girl on social media, but "she" met him from EverQuest, a long ass time ago children. Im in my 40s, so that is telling you something, I was just a kid, Ive known his ways for years now. Banegrivm, whoever this charctor is, also goes by Reverend Bob on the Ravenloft game, he narrates and does a fine job and everything, but make another person do the DMing, and he takes all the credit, we are all talking about that, and I have a lot of respect for Bane but I wont say that everything he has done is okay, its just not cool to be honest. I wont usehis real name here so i can avoid defamtion lawsuit, he is waiting for someone to do so. But I can vent myself about a fictional charactor, from a guild that im a part of, but have had not official introduction to any of these people if known for 20 years, im not even sure they are who they are anymore.

I met him online years ago, before WOW. Ive been following this for years, and he will keep yelling at him mom and threatening her if she doesnt cast spells on the women who reject him online. I think he gives her sexual favors to read tarot and give him answers. I dont actually know but that is what another tarot reader told me about them. But I have made fake accounts for him to fall victim too, like the hunter becomes the hunted, he fell victim to my collosal web, spun with love and hate, just for him. Nothing more powerful can come about than that which comes from the heart, and the heart of an earth angel is what he tried to crush with his corrupted roots of rotting hatred and scorn. He is the bane to everything that could be magical or beautiful, or innocent. He is a corruption that is is hiding with his mother, the author of the book the Throne of Piddle, he proclaimed this. Ever since the Circle of Corriander or whatever the fuck it was called, he has made me SICK.

There is an existing post from someone who knew him from the same place and they mentioned barfing or something, so < im not alone. Plus I have heard and seen the screenshots of countless professions of love then turn around and hex the same person to dust. He is a real warlock. He attacks you with his mind and searches you with the email you use for things, dud. He is not that smart. He thinks he duped his victims and the protectors of his victims, by lying about someone making a title of Banegrivm and posing as him doing illegal shit then saying Oh! That wasnt me - they made a fake handle or whatever he would say with his lack of tact. I have nothing against him personally but the fact that he constantly lies in his various online functions pisses me off to no end. Yeah, he definitely was guilty of that long convo witht he person posing as a teen, even though he fell for that bait...He tried to say online that he was innocent and has a problem even being around children because he is afraid of being a monster in other people's eyes, avoiding judgement either way if he is guilty of child-grooming or not, he is still in hiding and hiding his drug habit from his own mother, she is his narcissistic supply, and between her and his grandmother who he claimed raised him, he publically says he is special, and this si how these women raised him to think of himself, as better than other, since his father and soon thereafter stepfather abandoned his mother, (gee I wonder why that would be, maybe she was crazy and couldnt get away from her mother, generations of insanity and narcissism)

Im the kind that keeps freaks monsters and the like up on my wall. Sure I had to add him, to get in his circle, but its all part of the hunt. The hunt for the truth.

So yeah its not great looking for whoever wants to judge me go ahead but i know that as long as he keeps looking up these tumblr pages with his name, he will know that we know ;)

[sadshitonmain]

DICEY I S DRUNK

Needdd to write my note before i ctb in a week ish so

Fuck u mom how dare you fucking give up on me. Picking new family and popping out kids like a goddamn pez dispenzer instead of like faking interest in shit i actully enjoy for five mins.

Same goes for dad but extra FUCK you for never visiting when you had the chance and extra extra fuck you for getting sick and losing what little ego you had left so you dont even recognize me anymore. Asshole move.

FUCK YOU EMILY GOD FUCK I LOVED YOU AND I ONLY FUCKING LEFT BC I KNEW I COULDNT STAY AWAY IF YOU EVER CALLED BACK AND IM STILL WAITING FOR IT 6 GODDAMN YEARS LATER. Im sorry too. I wish I'd had the help i needed before we tried to run away. I wish my wife coulda seen me at my best instead of my worst and ill never stop dreaming of a world where at least you're happy -even if itsone without me, Bc as far as i know you're probably dead and its all my fault. It never got better for me but at least im in control and hot now.

I'm sorry Sebastian. JP and FL and Kitsu. For my own good i shoulda stayed out of it. But at least i tried unlike you idiots. At least you had only one dead kid that year, if not for me there'd be two so fuck you. I just wanted to do some good for all my fuckups and i couldnt stand the idwa of another dead qu*er child. I miss you all, I hope missing me eats you alive.

To my new friends.

Skye, plz dont beat urself up over this one,.its my choice. Im not the same as her and you couldnt chamge anything, you just got caught in the crossfire.

Maddy, be smart be safe be yourself. Fuck someone and chase that femboy.

Thylia.. fuck you're the first real person ive met in a decade. I wish id met you sooner. Be strong.

Pip. Make a goddamn choice girl. Either be yourself or play it safe and be miserable. This life is hell and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. You still have a future, just be smart about it. Finish college, chase your passions. Transition quietly, practice looking how you want and move far the fuck away when its safe. Everyone goes through an ugly phase and thats fine. And seriously SERIOUSLY, just chill the fuck out and go with the flow.

No one else is worth mentioning. You all betrayed me. You all said id be nothing but a burnt out worthless fag and then you made that reality not me. I hate you all for it. Hopefully these bottles do me in.

Emi.. Alex.. whatever you go by now, howdy stranger. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry my ideas abt love and passion and loyalty were so fucked up.. it really was how i was raised and it still really was my fault. There isnt a day that goes by i dont wonder what would have happened had i stuck around for a few more days and let us both cool off. I was completely obsessed and jealous and who could really blame me, I clung to that stupid dream for dear fucking life for years and when i finally had the chance the world literally came crashing down around us. If not for covid, if not for SPDs fucking power trip, if not for how i was raised if not for how broken i was if I had just listened to you and respected you fuck our dream could have come true. I love you. I'll never love anyone else, I've always loved you since the day you were quietly introduced and sat in Mr. Baker's class across the room all those years ago. I knew then and I know now 14 years later that you were always my better half.

I hope eternity is real, I hope I suffer for it. This shitty trailer has been my exile for 4 years and in a week it will be my tomb.

In truth if id had any courage at all id have ended it a long time ago, but im a total goddamn coward even piss drunk on a work night. Im still praying you'll save me but i know it wont happen, it cant happen. I'll never change, I'll always be the crazy ex, always be another person that abused your trust and chased you across the city we were supposed to grow old in. I hate everything i was, and everything i had to be to survive and everything i am now. I don't blame you, i don't even hate you.

You were always right.

I still love you.

Dicey,

(Formerly Lusy, formerly Lyrah)

Fuck you all, i give up

[pwblogarchive]

September 2003

September 1, 2003

2:44 am

“how could you shrug me off yourr shoulder so easily.”

hey lovers. i am better. not as sick not as crazy. tour has been really crazy for the first time shows have been sellingout outside of chicago and i dunno how to explain it but its pretty chaotic. i know you dont care so dont fake like you do. try to spare this thing the drama and save it for your babymomma. wow i am so fucking crazy. i will see you all soon.

peterlewiskingstonwentz

oh yeah. i love nick plan.

September 6, 2003

1:40 pm

“we are your best kept secret. we are your biggest mistake.”

if you emailed me i wont get it forever. i never get on this stupid internet machine. i am gonna get wireless internet soon. i've got the craziest stuff happening in my life, stuff that i never thought i would have the chance with- maybe when i get sometime i will go into detail. other than that i will see you all soon.

September 7, 2003

3:35 am

“im dying to not give up on this.”

the new giveup the ghost. the new straylight run are the only reasons to keep breathing. otherwise you can punchout. just for the record: i feel like i am falling apart.

the weight of promise and possibility is too much.

p

oh yeah. the rumor mill has been busy churning out some good ones: i am not with the girl from the realworld. i am not with the girl from the cover of the saves the day record. i do not like like green eggs in a house. i am not with every single person who says i am. because i am currently single and looking to stay that way.

September 8, 2003

10:00 am

“you ever have one of those moments of clarity where you know everything will be alright?

i just did.”

tell me you'll kill for this, just a little bit.

go over to my friend guav's live journal. see some pics of us in NYC. www.livejournal.com/~throwingstarDNA

matt pinfield was at the show, that guy is short as fuck.

September 12, 2003

11:52 am

i went to this stupid tour and all i got was some shitty shirt.

yep. thats it. its almost over and another starts soon.

sing me something. i will fall in love.

peter

September 15, 2003

12:49 pm

“save me like a yard of stitches”

yeah so i got some stitches at the st. louis show. i am okay. i will be home soon. after i sleep for a few days and come back to life lets hang out.

oh yeah i haven't been able to get to my email for weeks and weeks. so just wait until next week and i will get back to you or not.

peter

September 25, 2003

11:35 am

i know it is belated but we love you back

happy birthday morgan.

September 26, 2003

1:22 am

“drag my corpse through the suburbs and show them what they're missing”

i have taken to wearing red makeup around my eyes to make myself look washed out and tired.

maybe it will help me get some sleep.

September 26, 2003

11:34 am

“so just to explain..”

i tried to leave the house to see you. but i couldn't cause i don't fit in anywhere anymore, except out on the road. so i went back to sleep instead.

"i thought you hated girls, like you were on some MC5 shit or something."

"nah, it's not girls, i hate everyone."

[hamausagi]

.

i don't know what i did wrong. did i do something wrong? like what did i do. what SHOULD i do i dont know what to do

i feel like i did something wrong but every time i ask i get the same answer but like whyyyyy did the energy shift so rapidly. why is it that nothing changes whenever i bring shit up. ive said that it makes me feel bad when i dont get msgs or responses for hours and this is the second day where ive gotten nothing. i feel like im actually going insane. im freaking out. does he hate me? did i do something to make him mad? why wont he tell me that he's upset if he's upset? why wont he confide in me? why wonthe tell me if something's wrong? why is he not responding? why wont he listen? why did the energy shift everythig was more than fine a month ago but this month has been so weird and the energy feels so fucking weird and i dont know what happened ive been trying so hard and i dont know what i did i dont know whats going on. no matter what i say i feel like nothing changes. i dont know what to do. im sick of bringing it up bc i literally sound and feel like a broken record i dont know how else to bring this up. ive brought it up so many times and hes apologized and said he would do better. but i dont feel like hes trying. hes not telling me anything. i feel so stuck. i dont know what to do. whats wrong with me. i know im clingy and needy sometimes but i really dont think that im asking for so much. i love him so much and im so scared hes losing interest in me despite saying he isnt gonna go anywhere. do i just wait this rough patch out? i dont know what to do genuinely im not breaking up with him thats out of the question i just genuinely dont know how to approach this anymore and if anyone is actually reading this what should i do. like ive brought it up over text ive tried talking to him in person i just dont know what to do or what to say anymore

[aliilafferty]

What is something that you can confess

That I don't think I could ever be confident in my own body. I’ve had an ED since I gained consciousness. Now I eat whatever I want but my relationship with food is always a constant battle. Having this disorder makes you physically and mentally ill. Someone who doesn’t have It wont understand. That fact of being in love with food and being over obsessively thinking about it but never getting yourself to actually want it. It effects the way you see your body. A couple sick days from a person with an immune disease almost makes you feel proud of yourself for not eating. That rumbling sound in your stomach gives yourself a pat on the back. Loving the first look of the way you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning. Watching food tiktoks even though you have such a hateful relationship with food. You notice some people notice you haven't been eating and then offer. Someone who doesnt have this disorder doesn’t know questioning weight or offering food can make you disgusted in yourself or make you wanna cry. Even though they might have good intentions they will never be good in your own mind. Someone who does have it will think your crazy even though doing things sometimes is totally normal to you. Like thinking to yourself did I eat today? What did I eat today? How much salt or sugar did I consume today? How many snacks? “If I eat shitty tonight I can eat healthier tomorrow” “I ate to many carbs I’ll eat only 2 meals today” “everyone around might think I’m a pig for getting a second plate” “some meats have bugs or might be spoiled or raw? Having this disorder is bb not only thinking about your wait. This is a mental illness that can take over your life at times. There were times when I would never eat in front off ppl my snacks were fruit or soup. Times where I had track, and an it together tag game in the same day when the burn in my body felt so good. Where multiple days of not eating the rumble goes away then theres this empty numbness in your belly. Then watching food videos to make your feel that hungriness. Where I couldn’t get my self to go out of the house because of how I looked. Days when I would cry and eat or binge snacks by myself and hiding it. When a normal person wouldn’t even think or question it. It will always be a life long journey the way my mind works but I can say I don't count calories or run twice a day anymore. Make sure to eat at least 3 meals a day. I remind myself its okay to have a second plate or not be able to finish my first. I never step on a scale unless its at the doctors. I eat whatever and whenever I want. I try not to look at the ingredients list or look at my food to long. I eat to enjoy or celebrate. Also if i feel that feeling in my tummy thats telling me to listen and take of my body. Reminding myself that its not a good feeling.

[winderlylandchime]

1/2 hello, hope you guys are doing good. I have no clue what time it is for you. But i am back with updates! And if you may noticed that it took a few days it is because SOMEBODY went to a party in only a robe and shorts thinking he won’t get sick and then got sick. And then gave me a cold. Thankfully we are back now with 4x12 (ive never related to Brian during the ride more than now): btw this started with him high as a kite off of cold medicine but thankfully he is more normal than he was when they had him on the strong pills. Lowkey glad that is over. *Brian walks off in the intro* ‘someone should make a compilation of every time that man is barefoot. Did they even give him shoes half of the time?’ The ep starts with the parent/teacher conference ‘i cant believe that I actually like Mike as a parent. He’s actually better as a dad (mikey introduces himself) where the fuck did Bruckner came from? Did he just marry himself to Ben? Imagine if Justin did that? Brian would have a stroke.’ ‘NO MY POOR BRIAN! please tell me his cancer is gone? I hate seeing him a hospital gown. This is giving me flashbacks to when I was in the hospital *immediately pauses and raises his hand at me* not that someone was grabbing my balls at the hospital. WHAT DOES HE MEAN CANT BE CERTAIN THE CANCER WONT REOCCUR?! you better be fucking sure. (Brian asks about the drugs and alcohol and the doctor is being kinda strict) *pauses ep and looks at me* is this…is this how it looked like when I was at the doctor when I asked about the cancer? (Me: yes kinda. But more embarrassing)…hm. Noted’ ‘man, they really suck at doing Charity. First that carnival and now this. Maybe just don’t do it anymore. Or better yet, start asking Bri Bri for help’ Emmett and Ted are talking about his secret affair with a celebrity ‘be honest, would I have a shot with Brian? *he starts laughing at the scene where Drew is on every poster* man, Bri Bri really knows how to do marketing (that scene happens where a lady thinks Em is begging for money and gives him some) oh that’s happened to me too. Both of those. I once crossed a busy street and almost got hit by a car to give money to a homeless guy and when i dropped it into his cup it made that plonk sound cause he had coffee in it. And then like a few months later some kid did the same to me but I didn’t want her to be embarrassed so I told her “god bless you, i haven’t eaten all day” *goes back to the ep as if all that was normal to experience* ‘i know it’s a lesbian relationship but holy fuck they really did turn Lindsay into a stereotypical straight guy from shows…(Mel is now attacking Linds about not being a lesbian) *he lets out the BIGGEST gasp ever and then gets up and walks out for a cigarette and comes back in* WHAT THE FUCK IN THE HOLY FUCK WAS ALL THAT? I’m confused cause she also cheated so like some of the stuff shes saying..girl be for real. But the rest? WHAT?’ ‘Ahh look at them all going to the gym together! Hold the fuck up, so we went from Brian not telling Justin anything to Brian telling Justin his doctor is letting him only light activities? Ahhhh young love. So now everyone knows he has cancer?’ The scene with Drew stalking Em is on ‘that is the uglies car in the world. ugh him. DO NOT GET IN! Who does he think he is? Oh you miss him? Fuck you. EMMETT BE STRONG!…should I remind either of you that you have a wife’ hunter and callie are now on screen kissing ‘OH MY GOD. This feels wrong. NO THEY ARE CHILDREN STOP. i need Brian and Justin back. Please stop it. No. No. What am i watching? No (he is hiding his face behind a pillow because he is uncomfortable) fuck i forgot about the HIV. Oh shit. Oh no. Dude you really waited till you guys are in bed? Aw she is so sweet, i love her. But make this go away. Give me Brian and Justin’ ‘BRIAN TOOK HIS CLIENT TO THE HOSPICE? He cares so fucking much. Of course he is saving the day. Renowned humanitarian? Is Ben gonna be sponsored by the client?’

Hi dear sweet anon! I’m doing well. I went to a concert on Halloween which was amazing but also the crowd and traffic were ridiculous. Then, yesterday, two of my closest friends got married (to each other). It was a small courthouse wedding but it was like 2 hours away from where I live so lots of driving and also lots of fun.

I am laughing so hard over your brother’s reaction to “is this how it looked when I was at the doctor and asked about the cancer.” OMG yes but far worse.

Mel attacking Lindsay about not being a lesbian is the worst. It makes me sick that it’s in this show that I love. So bad.

BRIAN TOLD JUSTIN THAT HIS DOCTOR CLEARED HIM FOR LIGHT ACTIVITY! it’s growth!

Ohhh Hunter and Callie, your brother is about to have his heart broken.

[namuneulbo]

week ninety-one

i had tuesday and wednesday off this week and i had a morning shift on monday so afterwards i went shopping. i needed pyjamases and i found three !!!! i wont need anymore in a while. one was just a pair of pants, one was a pink barbie set and one was a black more lingerie-esque dress. i havent tried sleeping in the dress yet.

tuesday! i was off work! i went to watch oppenheimer w my dad in the evening. it was so good omg. i really liked it and god i love cillian murphy. i also found out ss height hehe i told him how tall i was weeks ago when he asked me but i never got to find out his. ive been thinking ab it a lot bc back then he said i wasnt much shorter than him so i held my expectations low but he exceeded. i think hes a very nice height :)

wednesday was piercing day!!! i got another piercing in my lobes. i went w t and we went by bus. we talked the entire way there and then we went for breakfast at a café and then we went shopping while waiting for our piercing appointments. i had a mozzarella and pesto filled croissant at the café and it was so good but the coffee i had was extremely mid. i got a phone case from tiger and i got a pair of loafers from h&m.

the piercing hurt more than i thought it would. my first lobes, and my first piercings ever, were made w a piercing gun and the pain was quick and not even really there. i healed just fine from them so i actually wanted to do that from the beginning but nowadays thats the same price as just going to an actual piercer so yk. afterwards me and t walked round a few places trying to find a restaurant. t suggested this pasta place and we went but they only had two things on the menu at that hour so we decided to look for more places and ending up where we always end up, hesburger.

i slept the entire bus ride home.

i woke up feeling like shit on thursday. i had sensed it a bit the evening before but it was really bad in the morning so i decided to call in sick from work. it was insane, dude. i first call this girl whose like a bit of an upper employee who was at work at that hour and she doesnt answer so i message her. i give her some time to reply and when she does she told me to call the boss. i absolutely despise talking to her. everything she says is said in such a negative and mean tone and shes always hissing. literally get teary-eyed whenever i talk to her im not even kidding and shes made me cry before. anyways, i call her and i tell her ive been feeling poorly all morning and she just hangs up? so i get pissed off and send the same thing through text. she doesnt reply but i never go to work that day and no one says anything ab it.

later in the day i go to the store to go buy soda and chips. i go for a little walk afterwards and it was very nice apart from the fact that i was wearing too much. i got home and just played a bunch of gta.

saturday! i had another work shift although it was shorter. it felt way longer though which is rare for mornings. i was supposed to go to the pharmacy after work to go buy a specific nose spray but ofc i forgot. i was already pissed off but i changed out of my work clothes and dressed up a bit and it made me feel better. i wore my new loafers.

i once again forgot to go to the pharmacy and realized after i already went shopping and ordered food so it was a bit panicky considering i got ice cream from the store. it turned out fine though although going to the pharmacy w a bag of fast food is something im not planning on doing again anytime soon.

today i had work for five hours in the morning... OR SO I THOUGHT. it was 10 minutes before my shift was ‘ending’ when my colleague walks up and asks when i want to go on my second break. i was like “what? i have two?” and he was like “u have three.” and i tell him i end in ten minutes and he was like “what? no ur not?” and we checked and i had indeed the wrong time. in my defense it was one of the lists that the boss said might change so i just had the old shift written down in my calendar TT i had to stay for another two hours... i managed though since yk,, it kind of helped getting through the hard part which are the early mid-hours thinking i was gonna go home soon and then after realizing my shift was longer it was still just two hours but it still annoyed me a lot.

ive been talking a lot w s. i reallyreally like talking to himmm and i still dont know if were flirting or not but like im def more on the positive side. yesterday he asked me if he should shave or not which i consider a thing guys only ask if they like u so :) im probably just bullshitting that though. i think weve got something though bc we literally talk all day everyday. ah, hes so fun.

sotw: bring me the horizon - pray for plagues