#warren kepler (fuck you)

[topayitfoward]

thinking about Jacobi post-canon hurts my head and heart so bad because he went to space with the two people he cared about the most and left alone!!!!!! he left alone!!!!!!!! nothing he can do now will ever change that, Kepler’s death took whatever Jacobi had left of Maxwell and died alongside him. Jacobi wakes up in a universe where he was the only one who survived and it’s physically hurting me

[artful-peculiarities]

Diversity win! Worlds unfunniest funny and evil man is a Christmas enthusiast!

[vanyafresita]

my si-5 designs ! maybe i draw later the hephaestus crew too...

anyways after making this to have as a reference for whenever i want to draw them, imma yap here under the read more all i want about my headcanons for them (cracks fingers)

alana maxwell is very saeyoung from mystic messenger coded, thats why i gave her the dr pepper can lmfao

also she is literally aroace i wont take criticism for this one

to me she's transfem too, but i only like to think about that if jacobi is ALSO trans bcs i love me a t4t queerplatonic relationship

she forgets to eat often so shes a lil underweight- but its okay kepler and jacobi will make sure she doesnt actually faint from hunger

she is also taller than jacobi i tihnk she would b like... 176cm or so... jacobi is like 170cm and kepler is around 185cm

she also doesnt have a lot of scars on her body since she gets protected when working on a laptop by the other two during ops (or she is working as a sniper, and thus she isnt a direct target most of the time)

unlike kepler who prefers hand to hand combat, or jacobi who joins him and also messes around with chemicals and explosives often

absolutely random thought, but alana is canadian to me ! warren is american and jacobi is chilean (i am latino, me reservo el derecho de latinificar a un personaje por cada obsesión que tenga xoxoxo)

jacobi wears a hearing aid on his right ear too btw !! an accident with a small explosive left the right side of his face and his ear damaged !

jacobi paints his nails too (he actually doesnt, its alana the one who does, jacobi has a terrible case of shaky hands)

both maxwell and jacobi wear glasses, but while maxwell uses them 24/7, jacobi just.... does not care. they keep getting broken one way or another so he doesnt bother... he can see from up close, so who cares ! (at some point tho, he get convinced to get eye surgery, so he obliges)

okay switching to kepler's sexuality... he is aro and very horny for jacobi we all know this like. its very obvious i fear.... like... yeah

jacobi is bi... i feel like he had a crush on alana at first, but the closer he got to her something changed and, believe me, he does love her A LOT (probably more than kepler) just not in a romantic way !! ergo: qpps

and because jacobi is a masochistic idiot of course he fell in love with his evil boss CMON MAN GET BETTER TASTE <- alana to daniel

kepler probably doesnt date tho, most likely he doesnt feel like it would mean much making official any type of relationship they have (aka 'we fuck sometimes, i try my best to be considerate of ur feelings, i dont feel jealousy seeing you being close with maxwell, and i wanna keep her close too'), while jacobi is like. biting his nails trying not to die from love but he knows dating ur boss is not a good path to go down (its already bad they are fucking behind everybody's back- except alana, he cannot keep secrets from alana)

i think the relationship these three have (at least in my head idc about yall's opinions LMAO) is absolutely insane and it makes me act like a rabid dog, i lose all coherence trying to explain how they make me feel

they are all in love with each other, just in very wildly different ways

i love thinking about jacobi and maxwell's closeness, how they care for each other, the vulnerability, the love, the devotion, how open they are and how little they care about how others perceive them

i love thinking about kepler actually trying to make an effort to be romantic, getting it wrong often, and then having to deal with jacobi being passive aggressive; WARREN JUST TELL HIM U DONT GET ROMANTIC LOVE, YOU JUST LIKE HIM AND WANNA MAYBE DATE AND DEFINITELY BANG, DONT BE STUPID

i love...... whatever the fuck kepler and maxwell have going on... not romantic or platonic, but a secret third thing.... the mutual respect and admiration, the overprotection feeling.....

jacobi is sooooo glad his two most favourite people in the world get on well, he'd die if kepler and maxwell weren't on good terms... but thank god all three of them are fucked up and obsessed, and insane and love each other

they all love to banter, they would kill each other, they would kill for the others, they cant stand to be near, they would die if they are apart, they need to be so close together you cant tell apart where one ends and the other stars

as a side note of my designs, i wanna comment how confused i was when i finished the podcast, checked the art tag, and saw most people draw warren kepler as a white man, like i got jumpscared ngl IM SORRYYYY

listen when i heard his honey voice... that cadence... he gave me this very clear image of distinguished bald tall black man, the image went straight to my brain and i have not been able to imagine him otherwise

and i keep seeing him drawn white and blond and with blue eyes and i feel SO SCARED like i have nothing against those designs but its so confusing because to me he is that type of attractive motherfucker that charms everybody around with a smile, that make people trust him blindly from how confident his posture and personality is... and to me (poc person) a white blond blue-eyed man does NOT inspire me trust lmfaoooo so i guess i may be biased ?

anyways i know warren kepler is a divisive character !!! he is so fucked up and complex and hot HE IS MY EVERYTHING im gonna throw up /pos im so obsessed with him... you evil bastard... youre my babygirl, ure so important to me, your war crimes and horrible morality is charming to me <3 i dont wanna fix him i wanna observe how he makes other people WORST (thinks 24/7 about the implication that he disciplines jacobi and maxwell in very creative ways)

okay anyways IM DONEEEE SORRY THIS GOT SO LONG BUT I DONT CARE ITS MY BLOG AND MY HEADCANONS AND ITS ALL UNDER A READ MORE SO I CAN YAP TO THE NOTHINGNESS AS MUCH AS I WANT OK BYEEE

[imperial-evolution]

My partner got home from work and the very first thing they said to me was, "You only hate Leitner bc you're an Elias fucker," and I don't think I'll ever recover

[pathlit]

thinking about kepler telling eiffel about coping with the utter insane horror that is life by learning to laugh at it all…

and then the way this man laughs and laughs and laughs when minkowski takes maxwell hostage…

and the way that casts it in such a different light… it’s not laughing in delight at situation that’s gotten ‘interesting’, it’s coping, because at the end of the day? she’s one of his.

[sexiestpodcastcharacter]

Congratulations to our winners!

Thank you to everyone who submitted characters, wrote propaganda, and voted in these polls! The past four months have been loads of fun for me, and I hope they have been for you as well.

I have one more two-round bracket planned, which will start tomorrow, and after that I have a couple of bonus polls to post, and other than that the blog will be pretty quiet until next September. I will, of course, continue to reblog other polls that feature podcast characters, so please send any you find my way! If you really like my polls, you can follow my other tournament blog @best-shapes.

Currently taking submissions for the 2024 Sexiest Podcast Character Tournament!

Main Tournament Masterposts:

Preliminaries. Round 1. Round 2. Round 3. Round 4. Round 5. Round 6. Round 7. Round 8.

Bonus Bracket Masterposts:

Round 1. Round 2. Round 3. Round 4.

AI Bracket Masterposts:

Preliminary. Round 1. Round 2. Round 3. Round 4. Round 5.

Bonus Polls:

Warren Kepler vs Elias Bouchard (sexy).

Jonathan Sims vs David Ward vs Khoshekh (pathetic wet cat of a man).

Sans vs Dᴇᴀᴛʜ vs Dyre Owed (fuck marry kill).

Warren Kepler vs Elias Bouchard (punch).

Glenn Close vs Jodie Foster (sexy).

Isabel Lovelace vs Glenn Close vs Dr. Carlos "the Scientist" Dave Robles (sexy).

Isabel Lovelace vs Dr. Carlos Dave Robles vs Glenn Close vs Cecil Gershwin Palmer vs John Doe/The Entity vs Carlos the Scientist (sexy).

Immortal Doll vs Nikola Orsinov vs Persnickety Pete (puppets).

Elias Bouchard vs Marcus Cutter (boss).

Non-Person Concepts (sexy).

April Fool's Day, 24 hours (boopable).

The Ruby Seven vs Odyssey-San (sexy).

Mod's AIs (best).

Arthur Lester vs Doug Eiffel (parent).

ACAB (sheriff).

Adaptations Polls (there's four of them).

Miscellaneous Polls

Statistics:

Main Tournament Part 1. Main Tournament Part 2. General Statistics Tag.

FictionPodSexyPerson's Bracket

Round 5. Round 6.

1st Place: Carlos the Scientist. 2nd Place: Cecil Palmer. 3rd Place: Lup.

[desolate-skies]

i’m so sorry it’s past midnight and it’s keplerposting time.

thinking about how intensely this man cares.

thinking about how he tries to construct this whole persona that weaponizes his charisma in service of the bigger picture. “the artist formerly known as warren kepler” has so much to say about how empty and meaningless his life is outside of what goddard asks of him, and like:

a) yeesh! go to therapy for your many issues. maybe you’ll get around to the self-image thing eventually

b) AND YET!!! he truly can’t help but fill his life with sentimentality. things that anchor him and keep him from fully losing his humanity to goddard.

we see it in the way he interacts with the si-5 and the whole running joke about his obsession with the whiskey. because he’s not an alcoholic and the whiskey speech is only like 50% a thinly veiled dick joke. the balvenie is front and center when he’s putting on his show, but it’s also there when we get to see the guy behind the curtain. and don’t get me started on the glimpses we get at the si-5’a dynamic it just makes me INSANE-

i don’t know where i’m going with this, but the reason this character sticks in my brain and refuses to leave is because on the surface he’s a lot of things—mostly a dick, but i digress—yet he manages to float around with his heart on his (perfectly-starched) sleeve and tries to distract you with three-legged pig stories and rants about authority. and it almost works!

so…that’s why so many people see the twist coming. like, YES this is an antagonist and he has never apologized for being a bad person or doing horrible things. he deserves everything that’s coming to him, but at the end of the day he’s also the guy with the stupid fucking laugh and the guy who plays roadtrip games at every opportunity and the guy who never got a chance to grieve the death and betrayal of his friends team.

at least he gets one last drink

[controversial-blorbo-bracket]

Controversial Character Tournament Round 2: Warren Kepler from Wolf 359 vs Karma Ashcroft from Faking It

(remember that these characters are fictional and your fellow tumblr users are real. please be normal in the notes, i will not hesitate to block if you harass people)

Propaganda under the cut, may contain spoilers:

Warren Kepler:

LOVE: - "Absolutely NO ONE can be normal about this guy. Some people despise him. Some people want to fuck him. Some people want to study him like a bug under a microscope. Anyone who listens to the podcast has some sort of very strong opinion on Warren Kepler" BOTH: - "i despise this man. he is an incredibly well-written and fascinating character. i want to grind him into dust. i want to study him like a bug. the idea of him makes me sick. he Is middle management. my blood pressure spikes when i hear his voice. he's a genuinely fascinating study in girlbossing too close to the sun except hes not a girlboss hes a girlcrony. i want to beat him over the head with his stupid fucking whiskey. hes like if a landlord was in paramilitary and was obsessed with secrets. he was in a funk band. he is genuinely genuinely so layered and developed and even dare i say tragic in a sexless unpleasant dessicated way. people in the w359 fandom seem to either use him as ship fuel and love him or despise him. but i understand. i understand hes a workaholic pitiable power-hungry attack dog freak whose identity and very humanity has been consumed by his job and his role and his need for control over other people and thats so sad because he thinks it means he can save himself. he thinks it means that he means something. and it doesnt so lmao get fucked idiot"

Karma Ashcroft:

LOVE: - "Karma did nothing wrong but the fandom hated her because she put their precious Amy in the “friend zone.” Karma was the best and i love her."

[mykelneedssleep]

***Editing cause I can’t believe I forgot to mention my other Jacobi fic I have running where he keeps waking up in alternate universes but somehow they always revolve around Warren Kepler and I lowkey love it

I wish I was kidding when I say these three have been in my drive for over a year and I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do anything with them yet

Little more about your options:

1. Actually a personal fave because you know I love sad and this one is actually sad af. Jacobi attempts to build a life after the Hephaestus and everything he does keeps coming back to his lost team (particularly Kepler, he’s got a very fucked up messy relationship with Warren Kepler that he still doesn’t understand even after Kepler is dead)

2. The premise of this one was mostly Soap works for Shepherd before Price and is ordered to kill Graves and take his place as Shadow Company’s leader and take out the 141 so that there’s no loose ends. Don’t worry he doesn’t like doing it and I would say this one actually isn’t too bad on my angst scale

3. What can I say, I think about them way too much. I’ve literally created full lore for these funky little guys we saw in the books like twice and essentially it follows them from just before the timeline of The Raven Boys to after The Dream Thieves (I can’t say how far because it’s not done but I have little snippets of things they’re up to up until the fall after the Fourth of July). Anyway I love them and I think my little made up lore is cool

4. Idk bro, make a suggestion I guess, you all know what I do at this point I think or if you don’t you could probably make an educated guess based off the other three - I’ve been thinking of starting something either AFTG (again..) or maybe doing a marauders fic

[curiositykilledtheradiostar]

Warren Kepler is like a darker inverse version of Martin Blackwood. The mess of moral contradictions in opposite directions. Martin makes you tea if you're sad but also he'd kill a man because he was jealous. Kepler would hold an umbrella for you in the rain but also he'd kill without hesitation if ordered. Both are on a superficial day to day level nice people, but have the most fucked up moral code upon closer examination. Kepler does morally reprehensible things for the greater good, Martin does it for personal gain. Martin would doom uncountable numbers of strangers to save those closest to him, Kepler puts his people on the line daily in the name of bettering humanity. They're on different sides of the Evil Capitalism machine. Both of them are emotionally repressed just Kepler actually does it successfully. In this essay I WILL-

[heycerulean]

Mission Extensions (4331 words) by Polychoric_Isopod Chapters: 4/4 Fandom: Wolf 359 (Radio) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Daniel Jacobi/Warren Kepler Characters: Daniel Jacobi, Warren Kepler Additional Tags: i made a spooky guy for them to fight as well, lung pain? haha it's just bugs you'll get over it, kepler GO GET YOUR MAN BACK, Daniel Jacobi has Sensory Issues, hey what if cigarettes weren't just Bad for you but BAD for you, Daniel Jacobi is Bad at Feelings, Warren Kepler is bad at feelings, Jacobi is slightly better though, i guess banana bread is kind of their thing now, kepcobi my beloved, okay actual tags, Angst, Kidnapping, Implied/Referenced Torture, Trouble breathing, i promise it's wholesome though, does it count as hurt/comfort if you're still being hurt, jacobi says fuck a lot Summary: “…And they decided to call this incredibly dangerous, incredibly harmful substance, SPANT?” -/-/-/- Kepler and Jacobi have a no good, very bad, horrible, terrible day.

[artful-peculiarities]

I’m slightly sick right now and egregiously frustrated so I’m projecting it onto Kepler. He deserves to be mildly inconvenienced today.

He wakes up one day with the dawning realization that he has a sore, scratchy throat. He instantly knows that only misery will be in his future.

He takes all the wrong medical precautions. He’s the kind of guy to insist that he can just ignore it and it’ll just go away. (He is WRONG. He LIES to himself.) So throughout his work day, he is barely speaking (deeply out of character might I add), and looks like he’s going to explode on the spot at any moment (not as out of character but still odd to his colleagues). He is refusing himself any medicinal treatment because he’s a big child and hates admitting “weakness”.

The next day, the throat scratchiness dies down a bit, but is still uncomfortable to speak for long periods, and he’s congested. He will continue to be congested in either of his nostrils for the best four+ days. And for my sake of mind, Jacobi brings him tea with a massive amount of honey that he hates drinking (doesn’t like people doing things for him ever), but deeply and begrudgingly admits later that it helped. There are cherry cough drops left on his desk every morning. Neither Kepler nor Jacobi every acknowledge it. The only evidence that they were there at all by the end of the day is the little wax paper wrappers left in the bin underneath Keplers desk.

Fuck you Warren Kepler. You deserve all the mild inconveniences.

[vanyafresita]

im gonna be real with u guys, i got a little jumpscared when i saw most people draw warren kepler as a white man

[wurmzirkus]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love

trap card ACTIVATED. charlotte shows everyone her w359 mud pies hours

comet!! horrible kepcobi parallel universe fuckery

the worst state warren kepler has ever been in ?

maxwell liveblogs the dirty work aftermath

kepcobi haunted house version

kepcobiwell won't fucking talk to each other (in a nice way??)

[yellghoul]

How about 4 and 30?

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw

warren fucking kepler :/ every time i draw him he looks different

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

this piece here, it didn't do that well on tumblr or on twitter but i really liked it 😭

[therealraewest]

@warren-kepler @dumbkiwi yes!! Thank you yes that one fucked me up