#was sj ever in a place where he could have accepted a hand reached out towards him?

[pippuns]

the only thing that could have improved SVSSS is if shen jiu was in the background providing scathing hateful commentary the entire time. i want to see him and shen yuan eat each other alive <3

[megalony]

I’ll go back

This is a Four/ Billy imagine from 6 Underground which I hope you will all enjoy.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @luvborhap @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @rogahs-drowse @milanosaurus @httpfandxms

Ben Hardy masterlist

Part 2

Note: (Y/n) is Two in this imagine.

Enjoy.

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(Y/n) looked down to her hands that were tightly clasped together in her lap but she could still feel Five's gaze burning into her like hot coals melting through her body. She slowly swung her legs back and forth as she was sitting on the edge of the rather old and worn down bed in the corner of the bunker room. One had designated this as Five's little space where she could help any of them with injuries or problems and such.

"What's the problem?" Five questioned, curiosity in her voice but worry in her eyes. (Y/n) had specifically come to talk to her now when she knew the others weren't around or within earshot, she wanted to talk in private and it was clearly about her health.

"I've got pains that come and go."

(Y/n)'s bleak and tired eyes burned into the woman's in front of her with an intensity that unsettled Five. Just as she was about to ask (Y/n) what kind of pains and where they were, she felt her blood run cold when she watched (Y/n) simply press her hand against her abdomen. Five knew for a fact that (Y/n) hadn't gotten any bruises, cuts or gunshot wounds to that area of her body recently and the shared look they expressed put them both on the same train of thought immediately.

Five pressed a hand to her mouth as she looked down at her feet for a moment, trying to wrap her head around this and try and think how to approach this. (Y/n) already seemed to be accepting what they both were sure was happening but Five had to be cautious here.

"Any bleeding?" Five questioned as she tilted her head to the side, sadness washing through her as she had a feeling that (Y/n) already knew what was going on. When (Y/n) nodded, she looked down to her hands again instead of looking at the other woman standing in front of her who had a knowing yet pain-filled expression on her features.

"Spotting." (Y/n) sighed through the word as she knew the question had two meanings. (Y/n) couldn't pinpoint when she'd had her last period but it wasn't more than two months ago but now she was bleeding ever so slightly and she knew it wasn't her period.

She and Billy had been careful, they had been so careful because of the danger they had put themselves in by joining this group. They gave up all they ever had, their families, friends, their homes and daily lives, their identities and all for this. They turned themselves into hollow shells of who they used to be and gave themselves numbers for names. Falling for Billy was never meant to be part of the new life (Y/n) had walked into but it had happened.

Sleeping with Billy had been a risk (Y/n) had taken because she knew she would form more of an attachment to him and either be liable to messing up a mission or breaking the rules and wanting to go back for him if something happened and vice versa. There were more obvious reasons that it was a risk but they had been so careful. (Y/n) couldn't be pregnant now and possibly not ever due to this big change she had chosen and truthfully, she didn't know if she had ever wanted kids in the first place.

But being a shooter in a group of people who had taken themselves off the grid and gone rogue meant that a baby was not a possibility and that was fine for both her and Billy.

"Where are the pains?" Five bit down on her lip as she mulled this through for a while.

"They're only in one spot."

(Y/n) pressed her hand to the right side of her stomach, absentmindedly rubbing her fingers over the spot to try and relieve the pain that came and went whenever it pleased over the last two days. She thought at first it would be nothing, but now she knew she had to talk to Five and she knew whatever she said would be in confidence.

Five knew that as bad as this was, if (Y/n) was having a miscarriage then it was somewhat a relief or even an answer to a prayer for her. It was clear that (Y/n) couldn't have a baby if she wanted to continue with this mission and stay in the group and even if she didn't, she had gotten rid of her identity. Bringing up a child would be so much harder without a name for herself or a place in the world. A miscarriage was upsetting and it was sad, but it was something that helped (Y/n)'s cause at the moment.

"Is either of your shoulders hurting? Are you in any pain when going to the bathroom?"

(Y/n) frowned at the sudden questions but as she thought them over, she realised that they were oddly specific to what she had been feeling recently.

"It doesn't hurt too bad, I thought I pulled a muscle." (Y/n) rubbed her hand over the tip of her right shoulder. She thought she had strained her shoulder with the guns she had to run around with and all the movement required when shooting and reloading and how fast-paced all their missions were. She couldn't see why that pain was relevant or how Five knew about it though.

"I think you're experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. It's where the egg stays in the fallopian tube and grows there... I'm sorry, Two. The only thing to do is for me to give you some medicine to, um... remove it." Five didn't quite know how to phrase what had to be done.

This was something that was sadly common for a lot of women and it wasn't nice but right now, it was better than (Y/n) either deciding she wanted to go through with having the baby or doing what Five knew she would have; deciding for an abortion. All that Five could do was give her a medication to stop the egg from growing where it was and remove it, sort of like an abortion in itself. But even if (Y/n) was in a completely different situation, this kind of pregnancy couldn't develop or continue. It had no way to keep the fetus alive.

As Five started to rummage through one of the boxes of medications she had brought to the centre here with her, she couldn't help but let her curiosity get the better of her.

"Four?" She simply asked as she tilted her head up to look at (Y/n), her lips turning into a slanted line that showed (Y/n) she wasn't judging or going to tell anyone else.

(Y/n) chugged down the two tablets Five handed to her in a small plastic cup without debating what she was doing. She simply knew that those tablets weren't going to make much of a difference to her at all, this was a blip to (Y/n) and somehow, that made her feel bad. This baby hadn't changed her life like they did for other women, it wasn't even a baby yet, and it never would be.

"Four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Two, what are you doing? Get moving!" One hissed the words through the radio with a sense of urgency and irritation as he looked at the hotel from the crane he was standing on. His head started to shake as a sigh passed through his lips. They were running out of time and she had the chance to escape but she wasn't taking it. All of them were on thin ice and the police were beginning to pile through the front doors, it wasn't going to take long for them to reach the top.

"Two, you're clear. Get to the roof." Seven spoke when both he and One noticed that she wasn't moving very much. He could see that she seemed to be laying on the stairs which were clear but if she waited any longer a guard was going to spot her.

Three was already on the roof with the target and Four was almost at the top as well, (Y/n) only had one more level to go and she needed to move. At the roof they could hook onto the zip line they had created and swing over to the next building to get down to the car that Five had ready for them. But she could only wait there for so long before the coast was no longer clear and their exit became blocked by the police.

(Y/n) pressed her forehead into the step in front of her as she felt the other steps digging into her skin like knives slowly piercing through her body. The shaking in her system was getting worse but that wasn't what was stopping her.

They had all experienced some level of training before they came together and formed this group. Each of them were fine with pushing through any sort of pain, (Y/n) had managed to push through a bullet wound before and whenever they were hurt they carried on until it was safe to stop. But somehow, this was different.

(Y/n)'s leg held a bullet hole that was dangerously close to her kneecap which was slowing her down significantly but it was her head that was causing her problems. Her vision was blurring and her head was cutting off all communication with the rest of her body. She wanted to run but her body was failing, she wanted to hurry but she could only crawl up the stairs at the pace of a toddler. She had to get to the roof but something inside of her stomach was twisting to the point she couldn't comprehend anything else.

"I... I'm t-trying." (Y/n) spat the words through gritted teeth, feeling the saliva dribble through her teeth as she could feel her top and bottom teeth grinding together which seemed to be the only action she could manage.

Swallowing a groan so it didn't transfer through the mic, (Y/n) scraped her short nails against the next step up as she managed to pull herself until she was on the roof. Her eyes snapped closed when she could hear footsteps approaching from the right but she had to move or she would be left behind. When her body fell onto the flat platform of the roof, (Y/n) felt her breaths becoming rapid as she was hyperventilating.

"We have to keep going, Two if you're not on that line when Four gets there, we cut it." Everyone could hear the hesitation and slight sadness in One's authoritative voice that sent shivers down their spines.

They had lost Six already, they couldn't lose Two when she was their most valuable shooter. She was quick, agile and never missed a shot, they needed everyone on the team and they couldn't leave her behind. Seven was right, they were like a family now and they were a team, no one should get left behind.

A gasp escaped (Y/n)'s lips when a bullet scraped past her head, narrowly missing entering her skull. Her body coiled in on itself to make herself a smaller target as her hand fumbled for the gun she had strapped to her thigh. She could feel herself gaining back the control she had momentarily lost but she wasn't nearly as quick as she wanted and needed to be. Whatever was happening was raging a storm inside her and she had to overcome it but she didn't seem to be able to.

Without even opening her eyes, (Y/n) shot a bullet straight through the guard's temple, hearing his body thud against the cold glass floor but she could hear more footsteps approaching.

"Four get on that fucking zipline and go." One practically shouted the moment he noticed Four was turning around and going back. They couldn't lose him as well, he couldn't just backtrack for Two when they all knew they had to leave people behind if they wanted to carry on with this mission. "Four go, you have to leave her-"

"Fuck you." Billy spat as he jumped over onto the next platform and dodged the bullets flying past him. His body curled up for cover behind a tall pillar that wouldn't be able to shade him for very long when the bullets ambushed it.

Billy didn't leave someone behind if he had the choice and the chance to get them out safely. And he sure as hell wasn't leaving (Y/n). If it was the other way around he knew she wouldn't leave him and he wasn't continuing this mission if she wasn't there by his side to see it through to the end. Billy didn't care if anyone else knew that they were seeing each other, he didn't care if they didn't like it, all he cared about was having (Y/n) by his side.

(Y/n) felt some form of energy coming back to her body just as Billy slipped his hands under her arms, hoisting her to her feet before he dragged her down to the lower platform near to the broken swimming pool. He unloaded four bullets before (Y/n) had the chance to blink. Billy pulled her along behind him until they were safely hidden behind a pillar, holding her so her back pressed up against his chest.

"I got her, get to the car and we'll meet you there." Billy had already seen the zipline get cut, but that didn't mean they couldn't get off the roof another way. "Here, I got three left." Billy held out his handgun to (Y/n), she was the better shot out of them both and he would rather she use the bullets in case he ended up wasting them. He could see she didn't have a lot of ammunition left either.

"Trust me?" (Y/n) mumbled as she tried to keep her eyes in focus which seemed to be a lot harder than it usually was.

"Always."

That one word was the confirmation (Y/n) needed before she tilted her head down, tucking her chin into her chest as she aimed the gun at her feet and shot the glass they were standing on. She felt Billy's hands digging into her hips as a shout left his lips the moment she smashed her foot into the fractured glass. Both of them watching as it splintered before swallowing them whole as the fragmented pieces caved and fell down to the floor below.

Her body shuddered as her knees pulled up to her stomach, feeling the air shoving roughly against her body to try and softened the landing for her. (Y/n) cried out as she felt the glass puncturing through her skin as the floor made a deafening crack beneath them when they landed.

Scrambling to push herself on her knees, (Y/n) tried to move quickly as she simply pointed to the crane resting motionless outside the window she was heading towards. Billy seemed to get the hint as he followed her before going ahead and jumping through the broken glass. His hands latched around the musty yellow bar that made up part of the crane, his feet hooking onto the bar below before he started to climb.

He turned his head down to look below him, making sure (Y/n) had managed the jump alright and that she was following him up. When he reached the top, he turned so he was laying on his front, reaching his arms down to grasp (Y/n)'s arms and ease her up when she seemed to be struggling.

"One, aim the crane left to let us into the building." Billy commanded as he held onto (Y/n) to help her stand up before he stood to his feet.

Heights were never something that bothered Billy and in his old profession, height was usually his advantage point and how he made his escapes. But he could already see that this certain height was not doing (Y/n) any good and when the crane started to move, she paled to the point he wondered if any blood was left circulating through her body.

"We have to move." He spoke sternly as if he was telling her off but he held out his hand towards her which (Y/n) gratefully grasped.

(Y/n) felt her heart hammering in her chest as she felt another wave of what she could only assume was sickness washing over her. Her left leg was now causing her to limp and her head was heavy and leaning from side to side but her hand deathly gripping Billy's made her feel the slightest bit better. She rested her other hand on his shoulder as he walked a few steps in front of her. It was hard to keep up with the pace he was walking at since this was what Billy was used to doing, but (Y/n) tried her best. Whenever she wobbled or jittered, Billy would stop for a split second and reach his free hand back to hold onto her waist to steady her before they carried on.

Reaching the end of the crane, Billy crouched down and climbed through to the bottom before he reached over and wrapped his legs around the rope on the end. Clinging to the rope like a monkey, he started to slowly shuffle down, his head tilted up so he could make sure that (Y/n) was doing the same and that she was alright.

"Through the window." (Y/n) shouted down when she heard the bullet scraping through the air to try and pierce them. They had been seen by the remaining guards still in the hotel.

There was no way that the pair of them could manage to climb all the way down the rope and get to the floor without one of them gaining a bullet. They were practically sitting ducks hanging in the air like this. They needed to go through the window in the abandoned building ahead of them and get down that way to the ground floor where the others were waiting in the car.

Billy was on the same track of thought as he started to sway himself back and forth until he got a momentum going. When he gained the speed he needed, Billy locked his legs together and bent his knees before pummelling his feet into the glass window he was level with. As soon as his feet went through the glass, he pulled back again before pushing himself through the window and letting go of the rope.

(Y/n) ducked her head down when a bullet scraped past near her as she curled up against the rope that was still swaying. She shuffled down until she was level with the window before trying to gain the momentum Billy had when he went through the glass. The moment she let go of the rope it was as if someone had reached down into her lungs and stollen all the air they had held within them.

Arms tightly wrapped themselves around her waist as her body barrelled into a firm chest that caught her before she scraped against the concrete floor.

Billy stumbled back a step or two before he steadied the pair of them so they weren't in danger of falling over. He could feel a few shards of glass prickling against his skin and some already embedded into his arms and face but he couldn't deal with that at the moment.

"I got you, I got you, you're fine." He mumbled quietly as he covered his mic so none of the others would listen in. He pressed his lips to her temple as he felt her shaking against him. All Billy wanted was to stay here and calm her down with her wrapped in his arms but they had to move or they would be left behind. They needed to get to the others and get in the car because One had wanted to leave (Y/n) behind before, he wasn't going to be waiting around for very long this time.

"W-we need to go." (Y/n) spoke quietly, but she couldn't help the way her heart ached when Billy unravelled his arms from around her.

It didn't take long for them to get down to the third floor where they heard the revving of an engine. The doors to the van were open wide ready for the pair of them to climb in before it speeded off before the doors had even closed behind them.

Billy buckled his seatbelt before he leaned his head back against the headrest, feeling his heart pounding out of his chest. He never thought he would feel so relieved to be sitting in the back of a car like he did right now. The moment of peace he felt didn't last longer than one minute before One turned around to look at the pair of them who were in the very back meaning he had to strain to look at the pair of them.

"Next time she slips up, you don't turn back for her." There wasn't even a look of recognition in his eyes for how Billy had gone back and still managed to be here right now. He had judged the situation correctly and he hadn't done anything wrong or bad.

"No." Was all Billy could muster in response.

"No?"

"Fuck you and your pathetic rules, fuck this shit and the way your mind works. If someone needs a hand I'll decide if I wanna fucking help them, I got her out of there and we're here right now. I don't leave people behind." Billy smashed his fist into the headrest of the seat in front of him as his eyes burned into One's.

If Billy wanted to go back and help out one of his team members then he would damn well do that if he wanted. He didn't need One to threaten to leave him behind or order him to leave (Y/n) behind when he wanted to help her.

"So you'd go back for any of us? Or is it just those you fuck that you run back for?"

A wave of red washed over Billy's vision as his features contorted into an expression that no one had ever seen on his face before. He didn't know nor care how One found out but he cared about what he had just said. Billy would go back for anyone of them, it being (Y/n) that needed help just made him more determined.

"What the fuck did you just say?" The belt previously strapped around Billy was thrown against the window with such force it almost broke through as Billy stood to his feet. His tall frame had to lean over due to the limited space but his eyes were focused on One as he was about to climb between the seats to go and use his gloved fists.

"Four sit down... she's not okay." Five pressed her hand into Billy's chest to urge him to sit down as she unbuckled her own belt and grabbed her medical bag that she had stuffed under her seat for an emergency.

Her eyes were focused on (Y/n) who was suddenly doubled over to the point her head was resting between her knees but what caught Five's attention was the fact that she had her hand pressed to her lower right side of her abdomen.

Billy sat himself down immediately as he focused on (Y/n), his teeth biting down on the corners of his lips to try and control his expression but he couldn't control the raging emotions inside of him. He had known something was wrong with her for the past few days and when she collapsed on the stairs he knew he had to go back for her. She hadn't looked well and he was sure it wasn't just the bullet in her leg that was causing the problems because he had seen her shoot to kill without being fazed by a gunshot to the abdomen.

Manoeuvring herself so she was kneeling in front of (Y/n), Five didn't get a chance to speak before (Y/n) groaned, feeling tears pooling in her eyes as she couldn't help but choke on a cry.

"Alright, any sickness or dizziness?" Five spoke quietly as she looked at (Y/n) when she lifted her head enough to look at the doctor kneeling in front of her. (Y/n) nodded her head as she looked extremely pale and like she was about to throw up or faint at any given moment, it was also clear that she was having rather bad pains in her stomach again. "I don't think those tablets worked." Five whispered, seeing (Y/n) grind her teeth before she nodded, knowing what that meant.

"What fucking tablets? What have you given her?!" Billy narrowed his eyes in suspicion as his breaths started to become laboured. What had Five given to her that could have caused this or clearly not stopped this reaction from happening? Why had she given (Y/n) tablets?

(Y/n) moved her hand and reached out to tightly grasp Billy's hand in her own with the little energy she had. Knowing full well that she wasn't going to tell him the truth whilst the other three were listening in but she knew she couldn't lie to him later when this was dealt with and everyone else was gone. Billy always seemed to know when she was lying and he deserved to know the truth.

"I think your tube ruptured, you'll need an operation." Five whispered the words in (Y/n)'s ear as she didn't want (Y/n) to be sitting in the dark not knowing what was wrong.

"Stop whispering, what the fuck is wrong with her?"

No sooner had the words passed through Billy's lips, (Y/n) felt her head falling against his shoulder as her mind suddenly turned black.

[cinaja]

Before the Wall part 12

A canon-compliant fic on the time of the War. For the summary and the entire story, click here

Disclaimer: Acotar and all characters belong to sj maas.

----

This is a nightmare. It has to be.

Miryam keeps thinking that she'll wake up any moment. Because this can't be happening. It can't. But deep down, she knows that she won't wake up. This is real.

They will take her back to Ravenia's palace and they will kill her. Slowly, painfully, drawn out over weeks. She has seen the punishments for those who tried to run and can only imagine what they will do to her. Still, Miryam doesn't beg for mercy - she knows it's no use and she decided a long time ago that she wouldn't die begging. (Even if she knows that she'll likely beg for death before the end. They all do.)

The female takes another step towards Jurian, the dagger glinting in her hand.

"Don't!", Miryam calls, "You don't need to kill him, just leave him be. It's me you want.

The female turns to her, her red aura (fire magic) glowing around her. "Be glad I kill him here and don't take him to Ravenia as well."

Something cold settles in Miryam`s stomach. Her power is beginning to rise, sensing her roaring emotions. "If you touch him", she hisses, "I will kill you."

The female just laughs.

Miryam just stares at her, going still in the faeries' grasp. She feels like her blood is on fire, lightning shooting through her veins. She feels like she's standing in the middle of an ocean, power tugging at her like a strong current.

Miryam lets it. What does it matter, anyways? She is already dead.

She doesn't know the spells, never learned to control her power properly, but worry is a distant thing. She barely feels the two faeries grab her hard enough to bruise. Her body might as well have belonged to someone else - there is just the power, tugging at her, begging her to just let go.

Still, she sees the High Fae angle her dagger over Jurian, who is still kneeling on the ground.

Miryam erupts. Her power is pulsing through the air and the female spins around to her. Miryam is burning, floating in an ocean of power, but it is unfocused, unguided - and harmless, because Miryam never learned how to direct it the right way.

She looks around, searching for anything to grab onto, and only finds the auras, glowing brightly around her three captors. Miryam imagines squeezing her hand shut around them, pressing the glowing magic right into the Fae. Choking them.

The female takes a step towards her. "What-"

Then, she screams. The faeries who hold Miryam let go, both of them start screaming, too. The female clutches her head. Drops to the ground.

"I warned you", Miryam says in a voice that doesn`t entirely belong to her.

She doesn't feel anything. Just power, thrumming through her. The Fae continue screaming.

Until they fall silent.

Jurian is staring at her, wide-eyed. He gasps.

This is what pulls Miryam back. She snaps back into her own body. Her power is still there, pulling at her, but she isn't drowning anymore.

Oh Cauldron, what has she done?

The three Fae are lying on the ground, limp, but Miryam rushes towards Jurian. She can see red, burnt skin through his clothes, but if she can tend to the wounds quickly enough, it should be fine. He has to be fine.

She crouches down before him. "Are you alright? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

She reaches out, to pull his ruined tunic back and get a closer look at the burns, but Jurian flinches back. Only then does she notice the look on his face.

Fear. Mixed with horror.

Miryam stumbles back like he struck her. Her head is spinning, her power still pulling at her and there are three dead people lying on the ground around her. People she killed. Oh, Mother.

She spins around and flees. Without seeing or caring where she's going, she runs through the trees. Branches snag at her clothes and scratch her skin, but the pain is nothing.

She just killed three people. And Jurian knows what she is. He hates her. Miryam sobs.

Her foot catches on a root. Before she can react, she crashes to the ground. The skin on her hands rips open, but the pain barely registers. She doesn't bother getting up again. Instead, she simply curls up into a tight ball and begins to cry.

Slowly, her magic calms down. In its place, it leaves a burning pain. Miryam doesn't care.

She hears steps approach, but doesn't move. Maybe it's another Fae, come to kill her after all. She doesn't care. Everything hurts.

"Miryam", a concerned voice says. Helion. What is he doing here?

Strong hands grip for her and Miryam begins to struggle. She doesn't want him to touch her, doesn't-

"Easy", Helion whispers, "It's fine. Everything's fine. I'm just taking you back to the camp."

Miryam stops fighting back, but he still keeps talking to her, softly, like she's a frightened animal to be soothed. She isn`t entirely sure how she ends up in her tent, in her bed. She curls up into a ball. She focuses on her breathing, tries to shut out the pain or the image of the look in Jurian`s eyes.

“Miryam!”, Helion says (from his tone, not for the first time), “Could you please tell me if you`re hurt? Because otherwise, I`ll have to take a look and I feel like you won`t like that.

“I feel like my insides are on fire”, Miryam says into her cushion.

“I won`t claim I know much about witches”, Helion says, “Given that you guys are secretive as hell, but from what little I do know, that isn`t unusual. Just your body telling you to slow down before you burn yourself up. It isn`t fatal, though.”

It sure feels like it is. “I killed them”, Miryam whispers.

“I know”, Helion replies.

“I`m a monster. I`m just like them.”

“It speaks highly of you that you feel that way, but it`s war, Miryam”, Helion says softly, “Show me a single soldier who never killed anyone. And these people wouldn`t have hesitated to slaughter you and Jurian. You did the right thing.”

Miryam jerks upright. “What about Jurian?”, she asks, “Oh, Cauldron, I just...”

“Calm down, he`s fine. A bit scorched, maybe, but nothing a healer can`t fix.”

“He`ll hate me.”

“If he does”, Helion says, “he`ll be the biggest fool ever. But I`m sure he`ll understand.”

Miryam isn`t that confident. She has seen the look on Jurian`s face. Pure horror. But she doubts that Helion would ever be able to understand what being a witch means to humans. But she doesn`t feel like explaining.

Finally, Helion says softly, “You really are that young, aren`t you?”

“What?”

“I...” She can almost hear Helion shake his head. “I knew what you were from the moment I saw you in that war tent. But I thought... I thought you were older. Experienced. I thought you were lying about your age and your abilities to fit in better but I would never have imagined...” When Miryam still doesn`t reply, he adds, “But why? Why are you lying?”

“Why?” Miryam glares at him. “I have had my experience with the noble Witcher`s Guilt. Have watched them slaughter countless of my people. You think this ability is a gift?” She shakes her head. “It`s a curse. This”, she gestures to herself, “will ruin everything I have built for myself.”

Unable to stand that thought, Miryam gets up. The world sways beneath her feet and Helion reaches out to steady her.

“What are you doing?”

“I`m going to talk to Jurian. Before this gets any worse.” By the doorway, she hesitates. “Thank you. For your help”, she says, “Truly.”

Helion just waves her off. “If you want to thank me, take a little care of yourself. Your body is exhausted. You should rest.”

“I will”, Miryam says, “After talking to Jurian.”

For all her brave words, walking through the camp is exhausting. She has to stop every few steps because she feels like she`s going to pass out. But Miryam has some experience in ignoring pain (if a slave in the Black Land couldn`t work, they were killed). She is pretty sure none of the soldiers notice that something is wrong.

She enters Jurian`s tent without knocking, only to find out that he isn`t alone. Tia is sitting on his desk and they are both studying a map. When Miryam enters, Jurian looks up. There is nothing pleasant in the look he gives her.

“Can you leave us alone, please”, he says to Tia, voice cold.

“But...”

“Leave!”, Jurian snaps.

Tia merely arches an eyebrow and looks between them. Then, she shakes her head and pushes past Miryam out of the tent.

“Are you...” Miryam hesitates. “Are you hurt?”

Jurian just stares at her. Slowly, he rises from his chair.

“I`m sorry about what happened”, Miryam says.

“That`s it?”, Jurian asks sharply, “That is all you have to say? You were a personal slave to Ravenia of the Black Land, you stole her damned lover, for Cauldron`s sake! And oh, yeah, on top of all that, you are a gods-damned witch!”

“I`m sorry”, Miryam whispers.

“Sorry?” Jurian shakes his head. “Was anything you ever said to me true, or did you lie about everything?”

“I never lied to you”, Miryam says, proud of how even her voice sounds even though she`s dying inside. “Maybe I should have told you more, but I never lied. I told you I didn`t want to talk about my past and you accepted that, so don`t blame me for it now.”

“And what about you being a witch? You just decided not to mention that, either?”

Miryam`s hands are shaking, she curls them into fists. “You truly think I wanted that?”, she asks, “You think I feel good about it?” She takes a step closer the Jurian until she is standing right in front of him. “If you knew half of the shit I`ve seen witches do, you would never sleep through the night again! I can barely even use my powers!”

“But. We. Are. Friends.”, Jurian says, each word clipped, “Friends tell each other things. They trust each other. That`s how it works, Miryam.”

He is hurt, she realizes. Not angry, not really. Just hurt. And if Miryam is being honest, he has every right to be. 

“I know”, she says, “But I couldn`t tell you. I couldn`t.”

“You couldn`t? That`s all you`re going to say?”, Jurian asks, “Don`t you think I had a right to know?”

The utterly wrong thing to say. A part of Miryam knows that he doesn`t mean ill, but the words still make her go entirely still. “The right?”, she asks, voice deadly calm, “Am I your possession, now?”

Jurian flinches. “I didn`t mean that”, he says, all traces of anger gone (he almost sounds panicked), “Please, you know I didn`t mean it that way!”

Miryam just shakes her head. She is so very tired. And nothing she can say will change anything. At the end of the day, she will still be a witch. And Jurian will still hate her. So she just turns around and leaves.

 ----

Drakon has always hated the Mountain of the Dead, the highest peak in the mountain range that borders the capital of Erithia. Ever since he was a child, going up there scared him. This place isn`t meant for the living and he feels like an intruder every time.

It's been two days since the battle. The dead have been buried and the wounded who survived so far will likely make it. Everything is calm enough that he dared to leave the fort for a few hours to winnow back to Erithia. (He told Sinna he was going to check in on his council. Not entirely a lie, he did visit them for a short while).

But the true reason he left is a different one.

Drakon crouches down before the four newest statues they erected on top of the windswept mountain, next to the ones of their ancestors. The statues for his parents are ornate and vivid enough that they almost look alive. His sisters' statues are different. Still beautiful, but the features are a bit off in places. (Drakon knows that his father had his and his mothers' statue hewn before his death, as most rulers do. But his sisters were young enough that they hadn't seen to the preparations yet, so their statues had not had a living model. The sculptor did his best, but it is still not quite the same.)

He knows that their bodies aren't here. Seraphim get burned after their death, the ashes carried away by the wind. Still, this is the only place where he can talk to them.

"I'm sorry", he says softly, "I'm sorry things went so wrong, I'm sorry you had to pay for my mistakes." He turns towards his sisters' statues. "It was supposed to be you. Either of you." He shakes his head. "You would have been better than me. You would have been confident and strong. True leaders." The statues don't reply. "But I'll do my very best", he says, "I will take care of our people and I will be a good leader. I swear it."

With that, he turns around. Flaring his wings, he takes off, soaring between the mountaintops and down to the city sprawled below. He lands in front of the gates of a small temple standing just beyond the city gates.

The High Priestess is leaning against the gate. She is ancient, her brown skin wrinkled with age and her black hair long since turned white. But her brown eyes still glint with intelligence.

Drakon inclines his head, the female returns the gesture.

"I was wondering", she says, "when you'd seek me out, Prince."

"You think I should have come sooner."

She shrugs. "You are given 21 months. It is not my place to judge what time you choose."

"My father went the night of his coronation", he points out.

"Yes, but he had months to prepare, since your grandmother, Cauldron bless her soul, abdicated. She took the entire 21 months back when she inherited the crown, by the way." She gives Drakon a sharp look. "You doubt too much, Prince."

Drakon doesn't reply (what would he say, anyways?). He just holds out a hand to the female. She takes it and he winnows them away.

The sensation, as usual, is far from pleasant. He blinks in the bright light and takes a deep breath, trying to fight the rising nausea. This is why he prefers flying.

He looks around. They landed inside a jungle. Monkeys and colourful birds are jumping around in the branches, small animals scurry off. Drakon only  came here once before, when he was ten, but even then, it struck him how different this island is from Erithia. Colourful, soft. Unreal, somehow.

“Lets go”, Drakon says with a lightness he doesn`t feel.

He offers the High Priestess an arm to help her through the bushes. It is at least a mile to go, as far as he remembers, but the wards around the cave keep them from winnowing in and the High Priestess is old, her wings to frail to get her airborne.

Slowly, the way becomes steeper. The High Priestess leads the way through the trees like she has been here a million times (Not true, Drakon knows. Cretea is holy. The only people permitted here are the High Priestess and members of the Erithian royal family, and even those only with good reason.)

Finally, they reach the cave. Its entry is blocked by a door. Bronze, although it is filled with lead, meant to mask the power contained within. The High Priestess takes a key from her necklace. She whispers a prayer, then opens the door. Immediately, the power in the air intensifies, making a shiver run down Drakon`s spine.

The High Priestess turns to him. “You know what has to happen?”

“Yes.” He reread the ancient texts until he could recite them word by word.

“Then you also know you have to continue alone from now.”

Drakon nods. “I`m ready”, he says, trying not to sound like he wants to convince himself.

The tunnel is not dark. Along the walls, fluorescent plants glow in a pale light. (When Drakon`s father brought him here sixteen years ago, he thought they were ghosts). With each step, the power in the air intensifies.

Finally, the tunnel ends in an artfully carved doorway. Mist rises, then solidifies into a body. 

Drakon stares at his father, blinking. This isn`t what he expected. The first time he was here, a big spider sat in the doorway, but he isn`t ten anymore. He knew his biggest fear was bound to have changed, but he thought it would be Ravenia now. Not this.

“Hello”, he says awkwardly, watching his father (the illusion of his father) who still stands in the doorway.

“So you`re the Prince now”, his father drawls, “Congratulations. Got yourself a position you were never meant to have as a reward for your incompetence.”

“This isn`t real”, Drakon says, “You are dead.” It doesn`t make the words hurt less, though.

“Because of your mistakes”, his father hisses, “I asked one thing of you, one simple thing. And you couldn`t even manage that.”

“That`s not fair!”, Drakon replies (so much for not letting the illusion meant to chase him away get to him). “Ravenia is a monster. You knew that, and you still tried to get into an alliance with her. What were you thinking?” It`s what he has been asking himself for the past years, anyways.

“You weren`t ever meant to have that position”, his father tells him, “What are you, hm? The third son, the unwanted one. Too stupid for Continental Politics, unfit to rule.” The male smirks. “The entire Continent laughs about you. And you will fail. You will fail your people and when it all crumbles around you, you will remember me.”

The illusion had a point - that is his biggest fear. 

Drakon lifts his chin. “My father is dead”, he says, “You are just an illusion, meant to scare me. And you are wrong.” He thinks of Sinna and Nephelle, who both believe in him and of the vow he swore to his dead family. “Because I will never let my people down.”

His father watches him for a moment longer. Then, the illusion dissolves into mist, leaving the entry free.

Carefully, Drakon steps into the circular room behind the doorway. The power in the air is like a punch to the stomach. He turns towards the vitrine in the center of the room, where an ornate sword is on display, puts a hand over his heart and bows to the waist. He waits a few seconds, then straightens.

The sword is beautiful, its steel like lightning given form. In the hilt, there is a dark stone embedded. It looks like a void, eating up the light around it. (They say the sword was forged by the same people who created the Cauldron, the stone in its hilt the first thing to ever be made by the Cauldron.) Drakon takes a step towards it, then another. 

“Wonderful, isn`t it?”, a voice says from behind him.

Drakon yelps and spins around. He only barely keeps from cursing (this is a holy place, after all). Even if what he sees would absolutely warrant a few curses.

A shadow is standing before him. A shadow in form of a male. 

“All that power”, the shadow-male says, “Imagine the possibilities. Use it to free me and I´ll give you whatever you wish for.”

Drakon sighs. “I`m kind of busy right now, you know?”

“Ah, yes. The initiation. Saying your pretty little vows.” The male laughs. It sounds like a crow. “I have been trapped here for five millennia. Free me and I`ll do whatever you ask.”

“Isn`t that how you ended up in your situation in the first place, witcher?”, Drakon asks, “By trying to steal this power and use it for your own gains. You committed a sacrilege and you got what you deserved.”

“What if I could find your mate?”, the shadow-witcher asks, “Or kill that female – Ravenia.”

Drakon ignores him and puts his hands on the sword`s blade. He winces as the blade cuts his skin. Blood runs up the blade, towards the hilt and the stone embedded there (defying the laws of physics in the process, but with magic this powerful, those rarely apply anyways). The stone begins to glow as it sucks up the blood.

Slowly, Drakon begins to recite the words of the vow. The language is unlike any he ever encountered. Each word burns on his tongue, halfway through, his throat already feels like it must be bleeding.

“Do you even understand what you`re swearing?”, the witcher asks.

Drakon ignores him. (He does not, but he isn`t about to admit that. Besides, those vows have been sworn by every ruler of Erithia since their nation was founded millennia ago.)

By the time the vow is done, it is all he can do not to collapse on the ground. But it is over. Now, he is recognized as the new Prince not only before his people, but also before the Cauldron.

“I could make you the greatest Prince in history”, the witcher says, “No one would ever laugh at you again.”

“Thank you, but no”, Drakon says, “Not now, not ever.”

He takes his hands off the blade. They are bleeding, but it barely hurts. He wipes the blood off on his clothes, bows again to the sword (ignoring his unwanted companion who rolls his eyes) and turns around to leave.

“Anything you want!”, the witcher calls after him, his voice echoing on the walls, “Mark my words: Before the end, you`ll remember my offer!”

 ----

Jurian is in a bad mood. 

Almost a day after the disaster with Miryam and the bounty hunters, he still hasn`t managed to talk to her. A part of him feels bad for the harsh words between them and the silence that followed. That same part wants nothing more than to go looking for her and beg her for forgiveness.

But Jurian is also proud and angry and if anyone should make the first step, it should be Miryam. Miryam the witch, apparently. Had he not seen it with his own eyes, he wouldn`t have believed it. 

She should have told him. They were almost in a relationship, for Cauldron`s sake! Maybe he didn`t have the right to know (and he should have known to avoid any phrasing that implied owning her in any way), but it`s just how relationships work. Trust - something she apparently never had in him. Not really.

So Jurian doesn`t go to Miryam. Instead, she trains until his body is aching. It still doesn`t help his mood. Then, he gets into a fight with Tia, who ends it by snapping at him to keep his frustration away from her.

To keep from angering any more friends, he hides in his tent. That`s where Helion finds him.

“I don`t want to talk to you”, Jurian tells him.

“Too bad for you”, Helion replies, “You`re an idiot, by the way.”

“Why?”

“Talk to her.”

Jurian glares at him. “One”, he says, “stay out of my private life. Two: I`m not the one who lied about everything.”

“That`s your problem? That she lied?”

“My problem”, Jurian snaps, “is that she didn`t trust me.”

“So now you`re proving to her that she was right not to?”, Helion asks, “Because this is how she will interpret it. As you hating her for being a witch.”

Jurian sighs. Like he could ever hate her. “This is not how it is.”

Helion crosses his arms. “I don`t get it”, he says, “She was a slave in the Black Land. And I know that you have a basic idea at the very least of what that means. So what were you expecting? An uncomplicated relationship? For it to be easy?”, Helion laughs, “If that`s what you want, then you should find yourself another female.”

“I don`t want anyone else”, Jurian says. That had been what he`d told Miryam. That he`d chose her over any other female. And that he knew it would be hard, but didn`t care.

And then, at the first true test, he`d failed. Had proven quite thoroughly that it did matter. Had gotten angry and made the situation about himself.

Jurian jumps to his feet. “I`m such an idiot.”

“My words exactly”, Helion says, but Jurian is already running past him.

Miryam isn`t in her tent. Both Tia and Mor have no idea where she is. But Jurian knows her better than either of them, so he has an idea where to look.

He finds her just outside the camp, sitting under an old oak, back leaning against the trunk, Kiel on her shoulder. The falcon shrieks as Jurian approaches, but Miryam doesn`t so much as look at him.

“May I sit down?”, Jurian asks. Miryam nods and he sits down next to her.

“I`m sorry”, they both say simultaneously, then look at each other, “Why?”

Jurian snorts, a smile tugs at Miryam`s lips. 

“Me first”, she says, “I`m sorry for not telling you the truth. And for snapping at you. You were right, but that... it was a sore point.” She shakes her head. “I should have told you. I wanted to tell you. But I couldn`t.”

Jurian nods. “I`m sorry for the way I reacted”, he says, “You were right - you never made a secret of the fact that your past was private. I told you it didn`t matter and then I acted like an ass.”

“To be fair, that was a bit more than what you could have possibly expected”, Miryam murmurs.

“Doesn`t matter. I should have stood by you.” He closes his eyes. “Can you forgive me?”

Miryam makes a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob. “Of course”, she whispers, “Of course I can. But... I`m a witch, Jur. Doesn`t it matter at all?”

He should have known. The fact that she kept this a secret was never about trust, never about him, but all about her hating her powers and expecting everyone else to do the same. 

He turns towards Miryam and carefully reaches out for her hand. “No”, he says, “I couldn`t care less, actually. Because it is just power. Nothing else. And power is never good or evil - it`s all about who has it.” He gives her hand a gentle squeeze. “And you, Miryam, you are good.”

Miryam is shaking now. Her breathing is going uneven. She wipes a hand over her eyes and Jurian sees that she`s crying.

“I`m sorry about how I reacted”, he says, “I was just so hurt that you didn`t trust me. Like you being a witch could ever change anything about the fact that I love you.”

Miryam turns to him. “Could you... could you say that again?”

“I love you”, Jurian whispers.

Miryam smiles. There are still tears in her eyes, but also happiness. She pulls him closer, Jurian leans down to her

And then, they are kissing

Jurian never wants this moment to end. But unfortunately, Kiel isn`t pleased at all by what they are doing. He flaps his wings, shrieking. A wing catches Jurian at the head. Him and Miryam pull apart. She gently chases the bird off, then turns back to Jurian.

“Sorry”, she whispers.

Jurian smiles and pulls her close again. His lips brush against hers and they are kissing again. He should have done this sooner. Much sooner. Looking back, he can`t understand anymore why he didn`t.

Somehow, they end up lying in the grass under the oak. His fingers are searching for the buttons of her tunic and-

"Wait!"

The sheer panic in Miryams voice makes him stop short. Hastily, he untangles himself from her and pulls back.

"Did I hurt you?", he asks.

Miryam shakes her head, but she is trembling.

It takes him a moment too long to understand. Looking back, he should have considered the possibility a lot sooner.

Carefully, Jurian steps back, bringing some space between them. Miryam is still shaking. He wishes there was some way to comfort her, but he feels like getting closer will make things worse.

"I'm sorry", he says softly.

Miryam shakes her head. "It's not your fault", she whispers, "I'm a mess."

Jurian wonders if he can get her to tell him the name of the Fae bastard (he prays there was just one) who did this to her. So that he can find him. And end him. Slowly. Painfully.

Miryam pulls herself together surprisingly quickly. Voice steady, she says, "I'm sorry. That was..."

Jurian shakes his head. "You don't ever have to apologize for that. I should have asked if you were fine with this.”

When Miryam doesn't reply, he asks, "Do you want me to leave?"

She shakes her head. "Stay. But just... Can we not..."

"We don't do anything that you aren't comfortable with, all right?”, he says, “Every step of the way, you get to decide. And if you decide that you don't ever want to have sex, then that's fine, too."

Miryam smiles a bit shakily. "Thank you. For understanding."

Carefully, Jurian sits down next to her. Miryam reaches for his hand.

“I love you, too”, she whispers.

Okay, this was LONG. Maybe I should have split it up, but I kind of didn't want to, so here it is. This chapter is a bit of a turning point. The set up is completely over now and things begin in earnest.

[tessimagines]

After All This (Bill Weasley x Reader) - Part 5.5

Minipart

Pairing: Bill Weasley x Moody!Reader

Summary: On Christmas Eve, (Y/N) decides it’s time to talk to Ron

You can find the series masterlist in my bio!

Warnings: angst but not too much.

Wordcount: 932

A/N: Hey guys! I would normally post a minipart and a full part in the same week but I’ve had a lot of study to do since I started back up at school. Hopefully, I will still be able to get chapters out weekly but we will have to see how everything works out around my school work. I’ve also started writing the first part of my new Peaky Blinders x Reader series so I will be taking whatever time I can to write both! If you’re interested in the Tommy x Reader series, feel free to get the link for the masterlist and summary in my bio :)

December 24th, 1997

You pulled the door of Shell Cottage’s master bedroom closed, the sound of Celestina Warbeck’s Christmas tunes floating up the staircase. Bill had her Christmas Eve special playing on the little radio by the windowsill, a little trick to make this Christmas a little more Weasley like. It hadn’t been a hard decision to stay home this year. Otherwise, Ron would have spent it all alone, more depressed than he usually found himself nowadays.

You could hear Bill moving around downstairs, making last-minute additions to the Christmas presents under the tree. The both of you had decorated it together at the start of December; the red, gold and white decorations bringing a little Christmas cheer to the little cottage you now lived in by the sea. Bill had been Christmas-crazy since he was a little kid, and even now at twenty-seven years of age, he was still the same present-obsessed little kid that he was.

“Hurry up, (Y/N)!” Bill called, excitement clear in his voice. “There are presents to be opened!”

“I’ll be down in a second!” Bill gave a large sigh, a laugh coming out along with it. You rolled your eyes at him and continued down the hallway until arriving at the room where Ron had been staying. You knocked on the door before slowly pushing it open.

Your eyes fell on Ron sitting on the bed in the dark room, The only light coming from the moonlight outside and the hallway just out the door. Ron sat staring at the wall in front of him, dark bags under his morose eyes. His gaze flickered up to you when you entered the room, the gloomy look on his face hardly shifting at the sight of the falling smile on your face.

“Hey, Ron,” You started, slowly taking steps over towards him. “Are you alright?”

Ron didn’t say anything for a moment as you took a seat beside him on the bed. Then he took a long, drawn-out breath in and began to speak, his gaze hardly shifting from the wall in front of the two of you.

“I haven’t slept in two days,” he spoke, the truth of his words evident all over his face. His skin was a very pale colour and he had deep, dark bags under his eyes. Often you would get up in the middle of the night and still hear him shifting around in his bed, his last actions towards his friends clearly on his mind.

“Have you ever thought that maybe it’s not too late to find them?” You said, testing the air between the two of you. He turned to look at your face with a sceptical look.

“It’s been two months, (Y/N),” he said, a slight hint of annoyance in his voice. “I have no idea where they’ll be.”

“You know what they’re doing. Shouldn’t that give you some clues?” Ron was still looking at you with a confused look on his face, not completely sure if you had lost your mind or not. “Plus, I think that you’ll find some way to find them again if you really want to.” You took another pause, the image of your father coming to your mind. He somehow always knew what to say in these situations. “There was something my father used to always say to me. Do your best and all else will follow.”

Ron’s gaze flickered down to a little metal cylinder he was fiddling with in his hands. His face changed as he looked at it, as though something had just hit him square in the face. He continued to look at it, thoughts running through his muddled yet slowly clearing mind.

“You’re too hard on yourself sometimes, Ron,” You said, reaching up to place a hand on his shoulder. His gaze flickered to yours once again. This time, however, his face was much softer.

“Thanks, (Y/N),” Ron said, a shy smile settling down across his lips. You wrapped your other arm around his shoulders, bringing him into a tight embrace against you. Ron accepted it, bringing his own arms to give you a large, brotherly hug.

“(Y/N)!” You heard Bill shout from the living room once again. You rolled your eyes and scoffed, flashing a smile at Ron.

“You’re brother’s obsessed with his presents, isn’t he?” You joked, waving at him to follow you in standing up.  Ron gave a slight chuckle and followed you out of the room. It was only then you realised the way that Ron may have taken your words and rushed to stop him before you went down the stairs.

“Do stay for Christmas, won’t you? Then you can go off doing whatever you’re going to do with those two.”

Ron smiled and nodded at you, his eyes much brighter than they were only moments ago. “Of course. I don’t think Harry and Hermione have the outstanding seasonal vocals of Celestina Warbeck and we all know there’s no Christmas without her.”

You laughed at him and motioned for him to follow you down the stairs. As soon as Bill saw you emerge into the living room, he beamed up at you.

“Finally!” He shouted, almost dragging your arm to sit down on the couch beside him. He plunked a large and messily wrapped present in your lap, so eager for you to open it. Reaching across, he planted a kiss to your lips.

“Merry Christmas, you two,” Bill sang, his eyes shining bright with Christmas spirit. Your gaze flickered to Ron next to the fireplace, your smile softening at the happy look on his face.

Alpha tags: @xinyourdreamsx @marvelismylifffe @xxerwin4laypxx @xxsophie-raabxx @yeeterbenjaminparker  @bitchinghourss @sly-vixen-up2nogood

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If you would like to be added to the After All This Taglist, feel free to let me know in my inbox.

Let me know what you thought! I hope you’re all looking forward to the next chapter and I’m so sorry for the wait guys! I’m going to try to do my best to work it in around my study. Thanks so much for understanding!

~Tess~

[shownuslaugh]

Get Out

Series: Bigbang 6th Member AU

Pairing: SJ/GD

Okay, so, this is long. And maybe a tearjerker? Idk, y’all can decide that.

2020

There are times in life where a decision has to be made. A decision where the repercussions run so deep people’s lives could be changed forever. For Taeyang, that decision comes in the form of a feminine giggle floating out of the cracked door of Jiyong’s personal studio. At first Taeyang thinks it’s SJ, but before he can step inside Kiko comes out. She’s wearing a shit eating grin and readjusting her skirt. Taeyang can’t believe his eyes.

“I don’t know what to do, Hyorin,” Taeyang whispers to his wife over the phone later that day. “SJ’s going to be here in an hour. Do I tell her?”

“She has a right to know her fiancé had an ex girlfriend in his studio, but you shouldn’t try putting ideas in her head. Don’t implicate Jiyong. There’s no possible way he actually cheated,” Hyorin responds.

Taeyang takes her words to heart, but he has a gut feeling something terrible happened in that room. Especially when he sees Jiyong whistling happily as he joins Taeyang and SJ in YG’s cafeteria.

“Hello, love of my life.” Jiyong kisses SJ soundly on the mouth and Taeyang feels sick. What were those lips doing just an hour ago? Were they attached to another woman?

“Hey babe.” SJ accepts the kiss with a sweet smile. “How’s the song coming?” Jiyong shrugs. “I thought I’d be farther by now, but it’s been rough without having my muse right beside me.”

“Oh, but I just saw Kiko leave earlier,” Taeyang says as his anger bubbles over.

SJ’s smile falters. “What?” She turns to Jiyong. “What is he talking about? You saw Kiko?”

“He did more than see her, right Jiyong?”

Jiyong glares at Taeyang. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

“Maybe. But I certainly know what the fuck I saw.”

“And what did you see?” SJ’s question is directed toward Taeyang but her eyes never leave Jiyong’s face.

“Don’t,” Jiyong warns.

Taeyang wavers. He really doesn’t want to start anything between them this close to their wedding, yet the way Jiyong waltzed in the cafeteria like he didn’t have a care in the world really got under Taeyang’s skin. He was alone in a private place with an ex girlfriend. Said ex girlfriend walked out of said private place fixing her clothes and hair, looking like she just won the lottery. Jiyong gave no hint of even coming clean. Is that what their relationship will become? Jiyong seeing his ex girlfriends and never telling SJ? Jiyong fucking his ex girlfriends and never telling SJ?

“I was walking by Jiyong’s studio earlier,” Taeyang begins. “I heard giggling and thought it was you. That’s when Kiko walked out and Jiyong came out with her. She kissed him on the cheek and left.”

Jiyong sighs, closing his eyes. “We were just catching up.”

SJ laughs bitterly. “Just catching up? When we started this relationship you asked me if it would be okay for me to stop being alone with Siwon. I didn’t realize that rule only applied to me and you could just go around fucking whoever you wanted!”

Taeyang reaches across the table and grabs SJ’s arm. “SJ, come on. Not here. You two should talk, but don’t talk where everyone can hear. There’s tons of people that would sell the two of you out to magazines in a heartbeat.”

She pulls her arm away from his grasp, standing suddenly. “You’re a real fucker you know that? You give me this whole speech about loving me since we were practically kids and turn around the second I accept your feelings to… to what? Fuck an ex? Am I not enough for the almighty G Dragon?”

“Of course you’re enough! SJ, you’re more than enough! You’re all I-”

“I swear to God, if you have the nerve to cheat on me and tell me I’m all you’ve ever wanted I’ll slap you all the way to Japan! And you can stay there with Kiko!”

“Don’t be crazy!” Jiyong stands up, trying to put a hand on SJ’s shoulder.

“Don’t you dare touch me!”

Taeyang steps in at this point. “SJ, please hear Jiyong out. I know things look bad, but both of us might be wrong. We won’t know unless you calm down and go somewhere private.”

“Private?” SJ scoffs. “Private like his studio?”

“SJ-”

“Is she still there? Waiting for Taeyang and I to leave so you can go back to her? Fuck her some more? Is it because you aren’t getting it from me?”

Jiyong is angry. Angry at SJ for being unreasonable, angry at Taeyang for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, angry at himself for even letting Kiko in the studio. He knew it was a bad idea to begin with, but he didn’t listen to his intuition. It’s because of that anger that Jiyong bites out,

“You always spread your legs so easily for Siwon. Well, I have girls other than you that do the same for me.”

SJ’s eyes go wide. “You know what, Jiyong? Five years. I dated Siwon for five fucking years and he never once brought you up in an argument. He never once complained about how close we were. Most importantly, he never fucking cheated on me or even said anything to try and make me feel worthless.”

“Then go back to him if you love him so much!”

The air between the three of them is tense. SJ is on the verge of tears and anyone who looks over can tell. It makes Taeyang want to just wrap her up in his arms and take her away.

She takes a deep breath, asking Jiyong, “will you just tell me one thing?”

“What?”

“Did you really cheat on me?”

Jiyong can’t meet her eyes. He won’t meet her eyes.

SJ laughs humorlessly. “Get your shit from my apartment and get out.”

Taeyang’s eyes go wide as she walks away.He turns to Jiyong who’s still staring at the same spot on the floor. “I don’t know what went down between you and Kiko, but if nothing really happened you just fucked everything up.”

So much can happen in an hour. In an hour Taeyang had to decide whether or not to basically ruin his best friend’s life. In an hour he witnessed a possibly relationship ending fight. Another hour has him watching SJ break down in his home.

“Everyone thinks we have this beautiful, fairytale love story.” SJ rests her head on Hyorin’s shoulder, not wanting anyone to see her face. 

“Sweetie, you do. Jiyong is crazy in love with you.” Hyorin does her best to reassure SJ, but there are some wounds that just go too deep. 

“Then why didn’t he say anything when I asked him why the fuck she was in his studio? He just stood there and stared like he’d been caught.”

Taeyang feels miserable. This whole situation is his fault. He should’ve just kept his mouth shut about seeing anything. It’s not like he saw Jiyong actually cheating, but the evidence was fairly overwhelming. Kiko came waltzing out of his studio wearing a satisfied smile while fixing her dress. Jiyong wouldn’t even meet Taeyang’s eyes. 

“SJ, listen to me, please.” Taeyang kneels before his little sister, taking her hands in his. He’s always felt she was more delicate than she let on. It’s part of what makes him so over protective. “I know things look bad. I know both of you said things you don’t mean. But deep down do you really believe he’d do something so careless and stupid? Would he really throw your future together away for a fling with an ex?”

Before today, SJ’s answer would’ve been a confident no. 

Now… she isn’t sure anymore. 

“I think this wedding is a mistake,” she whispers. 

Taeyang’s heart breaks in that second. “Oh, God, SJ. I’m so sorry.”

“Go talk to him.” Hyorin’s voice is soft as she strokes SJ’s hair. “Don’t just end things like this.”

It takes another hour for Taeyang and Hyorin to calm SJ down, clean her up, and get her to her own home. As she walks in the door she’s greeted by her three dogs and Jiyong’s cat. She assumes that means Jiyong is still here. He would never just leave Ai somewhere.

“Jiyong? Are you still here?” SJ calls out.

“Bedroom.” Is the response from Jiyong.

She walks in the room to see him sitting on the bed, suitcase open beside him. Clothes are scattered haphazardly around the place. Jiyong looks up when he hears her footsteps come closer and she can see the red around his dark eyes.

“I tried,” he admits miserably. “I tried so hard to pack and leave, but that fucking picture just kept staring at me.”

There’s a picture of the two of them from debut laying on the floor. The glass is cracked and the frame is shattered, but their smiling faces are still blatantly obvious. Jiyong sobs harder as he looks at it. 

“I don’t care what you think happened,” he continues. “I made a mistake, but I didn’t cheat. I would never do that to you.”

“Then what happened?”

Jiyong wipes his eyes. “She came to see me and catch up.”

“And you thought it would be a good idea to catch up alone? And not tell me? And get angry when Taeyang told me?”

“No. No.” Jiyong shakes his head. “I wasn’t thinking when I invited her in. I was just happy she wanted to put the past in the past. She even congratulated me on finally getting ‘the girl’ after so long.”

“Then why not say that?”

“I was trying! You were just getting so worked up and angry that I just… I don’t know! I started saying what you wanted to hear! You can still kick me out if you want, but I promise you I’ll just come back tomorrow. I’m not leaving you. Not because of this.”

SJ sits down beside Jiyong, wrapping her arms around him and burying her face in his neck. She breathes in the familiar scent of his cologne, letting the tears start to fall.

“I don’t want you to leave” she says, voice thick with tears. “I’m sorry I just started assuming things and getting angry. I’m just… scared.”

“What do you possibly have to be scared of?”

“You’re not just Jiyong. You’re G Dragon. Women will always throw themselves at your feet. I always feel like I’m just waiting for you to accept that and get tired of me.”

“SooJin, I’ll never get tired of you.”

“I know, I just… I don’t know. I think we both have things we need to work on.” Jiyong nods. “We do. But you know what?”

“What?”

He pulls her even closer, kissing the side of her head. “We’ll work in everything together. As SooJin and Jiyong, not SJ and G Dragon. We’ll work on it as husband and wife.”

“Husband and wife,” SJ repeats.

[supernoondles]

2020

A lot happens in a year, even when nothing seems to happen at all.

There's nothing new my commentary about a global pandemic (and the particularly frustrating experience of living in America during it, even with all my privileges of continued employment, owning a car, rent stability, and living in the bay area) will bring to the reader, but I will underscore this: my feelings aren't that 2020 is any kind of exceptional year, but the point where, hopefully, we finally realize that economic/climate/racial injustice has been a terrible problem for a long time, and will continue to be unless we enact massive collective change. A vaccine is not going to make any of those issues disappear, and I worry the people in power (including myself) will return to their comfortable life styles as if the next decade won't be even worse.

Anyway, general DOOM aside (RIP man), here's my year in specific!

From looking through my photos: January was off to a great start. I celebrated the new year with dim sum with J/M/M, as per tradition, and went on a foggy hike through SF with my family that involved my dad and J getting hilariously lost. Soon after I went to Sonoma with J/M -- for all my years in the bay, I had never explored north of the Golden Gate that much -- which was a wonderful trip seeing J's hometown. I helped my lab demo research at the Exploratorium, started growing my own microgreens, and went on more (to become semi-regular and my only source of cardio through the pandemic) bike rides with my lab mates. I finally saw Hamilton (though feel a need to justify here how "cringey" I think LMM is). I went to Genesis, my first gaming-related convention, and it was a lot of fun despite seeing no women. I did so many things, was making progress on research (I think? I don't recall any breakdowns) and my mental health was generally good.

The doing of things continued in February. After not going last year, I went to the Tet Festival in SJ (which was kind of sad). I joined a Chinese learning club and a crafts club and had a delicious omakase. N visited again, I went ice skating and tried to rescue a giant rat from string lights, and saw the Sonic movie in theaters (which would have been my last movie in theaters, sigh). After having a drink at Wursthall with T, I felt terrible (to the unaccustomed reader, not only do I Asian glow, my hands/feet itch whenever I drink and I feel like I want to die), and decided that was the last drink I'd ever have -- thanks to the pandemic that's stayed true. I went on a ski retreat with the lab that felt particularly special (and not just because I didn't have to pay). We (I, in convincing my mostly Asian office) wanted to make 元宵 on the eve of E's birthday, but it turns out that a bunch of CS PhD students really love singing karaoke for like 4 hours straight into the night, and at some point I was like, okay y'all, time to go to bed. So I hosted 元宵 making at my apartment the next weekend, and we watched another Bong Joon-Ho movie (The Host) to celebrate his Oscar win. Typing this out, it seems wild that this was even in this year. I also did sh*** for the first time, hallucinated white woman in the edges of my vision like a GAN, ate a lot of shaved parmesan from TJ, and let go of any stress I had about the UIST deadline to the abundance of nature and the world.

I break from the month-per-paragraph format now because we all know what happens next. M and I biked around campus to film a virtual tour for the newly virtual admit weekend. Being in Gates that Friday (three days before the bay area wide shelter-in-place order) was the last time I'd be on campus for a while. The next day I adopted 3 wonderful baby rats (my biggest brain move this whole year) and the day after that I moved home. I was counting down the days until Animal Crossing and then J and I were duplicating royal crowns in ACNH. At some point my hair got really bad. The months blurred together. Adjusting to WFH was extremely challenging for me, someone who had structured their whole life around the "I only do work in the office and I leave the office when I get hungry for dinner" logic. I would stop working at 6pm but spent the entire afternoon mentally prepping myself to do maybe 30 menial minutes of it. I binged AtLA. I gave up submitting to UIST. In May I hung out in the park with J, who came home from Seattle, which was the first time I saw anyone outside my family. Sometime in there I decided to become a Twitch streamer and had a brief revival as DJ Noon before I felt bad for roping my friends into listening to my music and ran out of interesting songs I wanted to play. In June I, like many others, took to the streets. For two weeks I donated $50 a day to a different organization. I couldn't get any work done at all and spent an entire advisor meeting sobbing so intensely that they felt bad and canceled it after 10 minutes. I emailed the university and got my housing back for the summer and I moved back to start my internship.

The internship was the break I needed -- working with W was a godsend compared to the struggle of my advisors. After reaching new lows at the start of the summer, my mental health was sloping positively again -- working on a new research project helped clear the emotional baggage of the last one. I was also getting more outdoor social interaction -- I went to Ocean Beach with M/D, Half Moon Bay with my family, and going on weekly bike rides with M. At the end of June, M, my roommate, her boyfriend M the clown (there are now 3 different Ms) and I waited for negative COVID results before going on a 2 day camping trip to Mt. Lassen, which felt completely surreal, and, at that time, completely necessary.

The summer dragged on and my mental health, at some point, began to slip. If I were to graph it it would probably look like the inverse of COVID cases in the US -- gradually decreasing, but with high variance from the day to day. I got an embroidery machine, I attended a workshop on docu-poetics with CPH that was so ripe with information my brain physically ached, I saw my lab mates again for the first time as we sat in a very, very wide circle to say goodbye to a post-doc who got a faculty job in Israel. Most weekends I drove to my parents' house and would take J on various hikes around East Bay so he could better appreciate his roots before he went off to Boston for college. He was taking the Switch with him, so in August I bought myself a new one and planned out my entire second ACNH town, which kept me busy for a while -- but surprisingly not as long as I thought, as with planning (and money from my old account) the whole project took I think less than 50 hours. The camping itch came back and the day before my birthday, which was also the day before J would leave for Boston, we went camping at a small state park in San Jose where he got heat stroke and we slept on top of fire ants. The entire experience reminded me how much I disliked camping -- but what else was there to do? I had a wonderful (and long, bless the folks who stayed) Zoom birthday party where I wore a mesh shirt I made and covered with worms on a string. The day after my birthday someone backed into my car, which, following the demands of a racist letter from the HOA, was parked in guest parking. (Ultimately this would be a blessing of insurance money, as the damage was mainly cosmetic and the person kindly left their contact information.) At this time I was also unironically watching ASMR videos to fall asleep, so I painted a two Bob Ross style paintings, one in my virtual art club, to pay homage.

Fire season this year was worse than it's ever been. Being trapped inside the house combined with my roommate moving out at the start of fall quarter and now living alone marked the second downward spiral of my mental health. The bad days were more frequent. I TA'd a game design course, my first time teaching at this university, where many students messaged me to complain that their 95s were not 100s. In the end the lowest grade in the class was an A- and 20% of the class got an A+. At some point I submitted a summer-long project I did with J and S to CHI; it is so much easier to produce work when I do not have to wrangle with M. (This paper gets accepted, but my silly grad student excitement is tampered both by general "why are we still trying to publish when society is crumbling" pandemic feelings and the fact that CHI will not be physically in Japan next year.) Maybe once a month I go birding. I feel increasingly as if there is nothing novel in my life; I am tired of it all and my body feels fatigued even though I don't do anything with my days. Some days it feels like if I don't touch someone I will explode. My use of recreational marijuana skyrockets. I start doing exercise videos semi-regularly with A. I briefly consider moving to Seattle with E, who is about to defend, before it's clear we have, as always, different boundaries and expectations. I look for places in Sunset/Richmond with M to little success.

In October I somehow pull it together and organize student volunteers for a 3 day conference that requires waking up before 5am every day. I do nothing the rest of the week. After we get flu shots and I let someone into my apartment for the first time since the pandemic started, I help E move up to Seattle. The trip is comfortable and we get to take care of each other; this fulfills a need in me. On Halloween J and I dance in a soccer field next to a combination anarchist recruitment center and homeless encampment -- now cleared by the cops -- and eat a mud pie that is too sweet. On my last day in WA I ask E if he would like to have sex, as friends, and he politely declines. I am pleased with how easily I emotionally accept this answer, how through time and therapy I've finally come to cherish our friendship without always looking for what could have been. I am extremely nervous on the flight home, and it's the first and only flight I will take during the pandemic, and the N-95 squishes my face so my head looks like a balloon, but I have the privilege of free 5 minute weekly tests through the university and I collect another negative result.

In November I fully embrace the hyperfixation lifestyle. My brain, always looking for novel stimuli, has given up on doing work entirely and instead thinks of Thanzag constantly. There is one day where I play Hades for 8 hours and I feel gross, as if I've completed my regression to my high school self. It takes 90 hours until I achieve all my goals, and with no more runs necessary to roll for RNG-based conversational triggers, I finally feel a sense of freedom. (My Switch tells me I have used it for 580+ hours this year, which is more than double last year.) The second SwSh DLC is a struggle for me to complete as I do not find catching legendaries enticing. J comes back early from university at my urging to avoid the travel surge, a week before Thanksgiving, and starts living with me. This helps a lot. My next hyperfixations come overlapping and staggered: I write 25k words of a second iteration of my 2015 NaNoWriMo with the protagonist I had developed in high school before I get bored with the story and realize I need yet another iteration; I buy a combination air fryer pressure cooker and ask my parents for a functional vacuum and bidet as early Christmas gifts and become obsessed with immaculate inside living spaces. This carries on to re-decorating my room at my parents' house, after installing a shelf in the closet and a curtain to close it off from the living room, and spending roughly 30 hours over December break organizing and cleaning their entire garage--they have not thrown out a single piece of paper or article of clothing since they set foot in this country over 20 years ago. My therapist quits the practice and my relationship with my advisors improve. I watch a few housewife vlogs and make my own. I have the revelation that doing research in a pandemic is basically just like any other creative project -- no one really cares that much if I get it done, it's just harder to do than, say, putting together a vlog in a few hours. This shift in mindset feels life changing to me, having before thought of research more as work, a taboo thing to pursue in a pandemic, and when W compliments me for the progress I've made in both the system and managing our meeting with M I do not know how to respond because no one has ever done that before. In the last two weeks of the year I start tracking my time. In our last session (that I almost sleep through), my therapist tells me that I seem stable to her and she is not worried about me. I believe her.

In 2020 I made a marked point to let everyone know that I didn't have goals. It felt lofty to have personal ambitions in the face of everything at a global scale. With this said I will now revisit the 2020 resolutions I wrote last year: (1) Intentionally seek out love: absolutely not, (2) Do enough work such that I don't feel guilty: also no, (3) sew one thing a month: no, but in the end I sewed 11 things total this year so I was close, (4) improve my Chinese: this was actually the only thing that did happen, and now my mom and I have better conversations because of it and I'm so thankful.

In 2021, however, I feel like I finally have it in me to have goals again. They are simple. (1) Get laid. (2) Submit the two research projects I've been doing forever. (3) Commit to writing down my thoughts that make me think, "Oh, that's interesting, I should write it down." Ideas are unfortunately such currency in what I do.

Last year I wrapped up this post with some candid, but embarrassing, optimism. I will offer no such high hopes for 2021, but I do ask the reader if they have noticed that I switched tenses from past to present halfway through this post. And that's 2021: an incidentally unintentional, but then consciously controllable, shift to the present.

[istjproblems]

Hey I'm in between ISTJ and INTJ right now, could you say what convinced you you were definitely not an INTJ?

the fact that if everyone who actually knew me well IRL knew as much about MBTI as I did, they would all say I was an ISTJ

people who knew me in childhood would tell you that I was almost always in my own world (which was, honestly, the biggest thing that kept me thinking I was an intuitive for so long), but they would also tell you I had an unusually strong memory, wanted things to be the same exact way every time, very rarely stepped out of line unless you made me change direction or upset my sense of how things are supposed to be, paid attention to details, acted mature relatively soon, ate like four things and KNEW if someone had put some unwelcome ingredient in the cookies, described things with unexpected but understandable comparisons, was constantly working on drawing realistic art, when I got into something I was in it for the long haul, and sometimes when I got creative in a new way it was just absolutely weird.

people who know me now describe me as down to earth and consistent, among other non-typology related things, and some people have told me that I’m good at relating things to stories of times they had completely forgotten about.

sometimes, a lot of times, people are wrong about you. but if a majority of people who actually like you would give overwhelming evidence against your self perception, the evidence is at least worth considering.

addressing stereotypes with the fact that Si is subjective

this seems obvious, but if you actually think about it, it flies in the face of a lot of people’s perceptions of SJs. the stereotypical SJ is probably a middle class white dude who grew up in the American midwest or south, consumed all the same media as his peers, went to college for a practical major just like his parents, and landed an office job that he never had a compelling reason to leave. obviously no one actually believes that’s what all SJs are like, but we still have to be careful not to hear about how statistically normal they are and associate them with our cultural perception of normal. all you have to do is imagine our aforementioned stereotypical SJ being raised by musicians in Portland and you’ve got a completely different person. change enough variables and you could easily come up with ways for this person to feel distant from their own cultural norms. 

I may be off here, but I tend to think of type as a template for your personality, not actually your personality itself. you fill it in with your values, interests, experiences, etc., and you’ll keep doing that your whole life. 

mbti-notes has some really detailed descriptions of the functions, and they describe Si by what it does with the values and goals you already have, not as being the goal setter. 

the things that were or were not relatable about INTJ descriptions

a huge portion of well written INTJ content is relatable… with the exception of gut feelings and sensory overload

it’s not that I don’t ever get “gut feelings,” it’s just that I can probably count the times I’ve had them on one hand. but even then, once it comes I will immediately start backing it up with evidence. like, of course this career path feels right, look how many ways it lines up with my skill set. and then that arsenal of evidence propels me to follow it, keeps me going when I lose inspiration, and creates the greatest source of confusion when things don’t work out. can I be single minded? absolutely. but I create that singlemindedness from real life sources.

same goes for sensory overload in situations that aren’t inherently unpleasant - it happens, but very rarely, and there’s usually something else going on (EDIT: when I wrote this I was specifically thinking of the fact that I don’t mind environments like concerts and busy cities where there’s a lot going on all around. Turns out my relationship was sensory overload is a little more complicated than that, but the point is, I couldn’t relate to intuitive doms who felt out of their element just because of the *amount* of sensory information to take in).

accepting other characteristics about myself that would be more understandable if I were an ISxJ

you know what does happen though? novelty overload.

a few years ago I ended up doing a lot of traveling. all of us who went were in agreement that we would do as many things as we could that were unique to the places we were visiting, and it was a great experience. but after weeks of exploring different streets with different people every week, pointing at pictures on menus to order, and not solidifying plans until the morning of, every recognizable thing you let yourself have - a starbucks, an album in your earbuds you’ve played 74 times, a store you have at your local mall - starts to feel like taking your shoes off after a 12 hour workday (even if it still feels a bit like you’re cheating in the game). new experiences are beautiful and important, but the constant mental background noise of “I don’t know what I’m doing” was tremendously exhausting for me in a way that I don’t think it was for the people I went with. we all had our things we had to work through, and that happened to be mine.

back to when I was figuring out my type - in addition to novelty overload, there were plenty of other Si/Ne seeming things I had to explain, such as:

 - really low patience for people who read too much into things

 - a near paranoia when I’m in a public place about doing things the way they are normally done, not being in places where I feel like I shouldn’t be, etc.

 - thinking of acquiring new sensory skills as being an extremely personal process (like instruments, sports, etc.)

 - reacting to traumatic events by expecting them to repeat themselves any minute

I don’t know if all ISxJs have those issues specifically but I knew I was reaching hard to call them Ni things.

considering other options for interpreting my internal monologues

debating current issues to try and explain why things are the way they are? all based on observation and a desire to have my observations not conflict with each other - trying to resolve cognitive dissonance is just human. drawing connections between the music I listen to and other things? music is sensory, I was literally entertaining myself with a reference system, next question. the mental block against coming up with specific examples? nah, dude, there are always examples, I just don’t often think they’re good enough.

being open to the possibility of being a different type, and ultimately embracing it

once I finally decided that I was open to changing my self typing, it became very easy to see my “new” type as a strength worth taking pride in, as cheesy as that sounds. it explained everything that I didn’t even realize I was working to explain away. everything I did, every thought I had over the next week or so, seemed to be another demonstration that I should have figured this out a long time ago, and I was honestly enjoying every minute of it.

.

anyway, I don’t know you, so I can’t possibly make that judgment for you. IxTJs can look very similar, although you wouldn’t know it from the way they’re caricatured. just because ISTJs are more common doesn’t mean you are one, but even if you were one it wouldn’t make your complete personality common. I would recommend finding good sources - mbti-notes has a ton of masterposts, otterdot is posting adaptations of source material, there’s a lot of stuff even on tumblr. thanks for the ask, and good luck!

[megalony]

Brothers and love- Part 7

Here is the next part of my Ben Hardy series which I hope you are all liking, thank you for the feedback so far it is appreciated.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogermeddow @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @rogahs-drowse @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me

Series taglist: @takemetoneverland420 @beepbeephardy

Summary: Ben’s brothers Joe and Gwilym and their dad Roger try and help him through his addictions that have stopped Ben from being able to look after his daughter. When (Y/n) becomes involved with the family, she vows to help Ben get custody of his daughter and finds herself falling for him along the way.

Series masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Is he the reason you left me?"

(Y/n) felt like a deer caught in the headlights, unsure whether to carry on and run to the other side of the road or to turn around and run back to where she had been before. She knew she shouldn't have turned up today. Lying to Gwilym now would simply insult him, but if she or Ben dared to tell him the truth it would hurt him far worse than this.

The look of pain on Gwilym's face was enough to make (Y/n) want to cry. His chocolate eyes were slowly switching between her and Ben, begging one of them to answer him with such a pleading look in his eyes that were about to break. His jaw was jutting to the left every so often like a tic from the pain of where Ben had punched him but he couldn't stop his lips from falling at the corners because it was very clear what was going on in front of him.

Ben tightened his hand on (Y/n)'s shoulder as he stared at his eldest brother, unsure what to say. When Ben kissed (Y/n) for the first time, he had told her afterwards that if she felt she needed to tell Gwilym, then she could tell him it was Ben's fault. He had been drunk when it happened and he didn't mind if she said he made an advance on her because he had been in the wrong to kiss his brother's girlfriend. But Ben knew right now that taking the blame wasn't going to work because Gwilym wasn't stupid enough to believe that.

"Yes." That one word caused Gwilym's chest to shudder and pull inwards like he was a balloon that was deflating. His head started to shake as he dug his nails into his scalp, a groan leaving his lips as his eyes snapped closed.

"Why... you don't even- did you know him before you were with me?" Gwilym shook his head again as he pointed at them like he was accusing them of something else. His expression screwed up in confusion because he simply didn't understand. (Y/n) had never said anything about Ben other than when the subject of him getting custody of Hazel had come up. He knew she seemed to be on his side but he didn't think she knew him which was why he didn't understand her being here today, but now he did.

"I met her at dad's birthday party, she and Joe were the ones to sober me up... she was someone to talk to, someone who understood." Ben didn't want his brother to suddenly think that (Y/n) had cheated on him from the first moment because she didn't plan this, neither of them did. They didn't set out to hurt Gwilym and they needed him to know that.

"Why him?" Gwilym's hand outstretched towards Ben causing the blond to roll his eyes, looking away for a moment as he tried to calm down. They didn't plan this. "I thought we were happy but clearly you weren't, you could have done a lot better than him, you could have gone with Joe for fuck's sake but you chose the druggie-"

"Hey!" Ben snapped, his jaw tightening as his eyes narrowed on his big brother. He couldn't believe Gwilym was really going there or saying something like that, Ben wasn't just an addict, that wasn't solely who he was and it didn't make him a bad person or a bad choice for someone to be in a relationship with. He certainly didn't want to get criticised by Gwilym of all people who judged him but didn't bother to help.

"At least tell me you didn't sleep with him?"

"For God's sake stop it." Ben's words had no effect on his brother who simply kept going like he was intentionally trying to rile them both up.

"You kept going on about being there for Ben and helping him, is that what this is? You're with him to help like some sort of charity case, and then you'll move on to someone else?"

(Y/n) had to bite down on her lip to stop herself from crying at the spiteful words she knew he didn't really mean. She knew this would lead to trouble and she knew Gwilym would end up getting hurt but that was never her intention. She tried hard not to hurt him but it didn't go as she had planned, nothing ever did. (Y/n) was with Ben because she found herself falling for him and she wanted to be with him, she wasn't with him to just get him clean and then find someone else to pity and look after. This wasn't some sort of thing she normally did, preying on people or being with people because she liked to try and fix them if she saw them as broken.

"I never asked for her help." Ben all but growled the words as he stormed over to his brother and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, pulling him as close as he could get. "I know too well that asking for help doesn't work. We didn't do this to spite you so don't talk to her like that."

"Alright, now that's enough." Joe hurried over to the pair and pushed his arms between them to try and force them apart like they were magnets he wanted to separate. He felt just slightly overpowered by the fact that both his brothers were taller than him even though he was the middle child, but it didn't stop him from adding distance between them both.

"I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you." Ben couldn't help but spit the words with venom on his tongue, even if he did mean them. He didn't want to hurt his brother but at the same time, Ben wasn't thinking about Gwilym when he kissed (Y/n). He was only thinking about the way he felt and how he wanted to act upon them, if Gwilym came into his thoughts he wouldn't have had the courage to kiss (Y/n) or sleep with her and maybe in hindsight that would have been the better option so no one would get hurt. But Gwilym would still have been hurt by (Y/n) breaking up with him and it still would have been for Ben, whether they kissed or slept together or not.

"You never do, every stupid thing you do you never mean to happen but somehow, it does. That's why you won't get Hazel back because you do shit and then you think about it afterwards." Gwilym spoke so calmly that it sent Ben reeling on the inside because he sounded like he was God speaking the absolute truth.

Clenching his hand into a fist, Ben pushed his hand down before cutting it up through the air, swiftly uppercutting his knuckles into Gwilym's stomach to force all the air out of his lungs. He watched with satisfaction as his eldest brother seemed to groan and choke at the same time as he grabbed his stomach before falling down to his knees. Moving his left arm, Ben pushed his arm into Joe's chest to push him away, breathing harshly as his expression told Joe that he was done. Ben shook his right hand out at his side to release the tension and the slight pain he was feeling which was overcome by his relief.

"Funny, every time I punch you, I've thought about it first." Turning on his heels, Ben didn't spare the three of them a single glance before he slowly trudged back to the house. He wasn't leaving yet, he still had another hour to be with Hazel and he wasn't allowing Roger or anyone else to cut that time short because of an argument his brother had started.

"You'd better leave." Joe mumbled the words quietly to Gwilym before he followed Ben inside the house, leaving just Gwilym and (Y/n) alone out in the drive.

(Y/n) felt the urge to reach her hand down to help pull him up, but she refrained because she knew he wouldn't accept her help. She looked down at her feet for a moment as Gwilym slowly pushed himself up, catching his breath back before he turned his attention to her.

"Why?" He shrugged his shoulders at (Y/n) as he asked one simple question that he doubted he would get an answer for. He just couldn't see why she would fall for Ben when she was with him, Ben was his brother and he thought Ben would have had more decency or care not to go behind his back with his girlfriend. He didn't think (Y/n) would dump him to go straight for his brother and he could see in her eyes that it wasn't planned or cleverly thought out or even properly thought over in the first place, but he still couldn't wrap his mind around it.

"You can't help who you fall for." (Y/n) rubbed the tip of her shoe against the gravel making an indent as she shrugged her shoulders in response. "Ben's your brother, you know he isn't just an addict. We both know who he is underneath that and I fell for him, what more do you want me to say?" Gwilym had known Ben all his life, he knew him before he became an addict and he knows him now. He can see who Ben is underneath and (Y/n) can as well, that was the person she fell for, she couldn't help that her heart wanted to be with Ben more than it wanted to be with Gwilym.

"What if he disappoints you, is he still worth the trouble when you find him falling off the wagon? I've been there and it isn't pretty and it only gets harder." Gwilym had been there almost every time Ben got clean and then eventually got back into old habits and each time he found Ben reverting back to his old ways, it broke a piece of Gwilym to the point he couldn't be bothered any more.

"I don't expect him to get clean now and stay that way forever, that would be me disappointing myself by thinking like that. He may look like trouble to you, but to me, he's a chance worth taking."

(Y/n) would set herself up for disappointment if she thought Ben would be clean now and never go back to drink or taking drugs. He wasn't perfect, he was human and he was allowed to make mistakes or trip up.

If Ben slipped up and went for a drink (Y/n) would make sure he was okay and he didn't overdo it or feel he had to keep going back for another. If he smoked a joint she would be there if he needed her and be there to tell him when enough was enough. Ben had had enough people walking past him when he fell down, (Y/n) wouldn't just leave him when he needed help because that wasn't the right thing to do. No one was expected to walk through life and know where they were going and what they were doing and no one was expected to have no problems at all.

Turning on her heels, (Y/n) kept her eyes on the ground as she walked back over to the house, hoping that Gwilym would go to his car and leave because they didn't need any tempers flaring any more than they already had.

(Y/n) rested her hand on Joe's shoulder as she stood next to him, unsure what was happening as she tried to work out the situation. Roger and Joe's mum Donna were stood at the bottom of the stairs with Ben's mum stood a few steps from the stairs next to the bannister. But Ben was in the middle, looking at Roger with his back to (Y/n) and Joe but (Y/n) could see his arms and his shoulders tensing beneath his plain black shirt and it made her worry. She didn't know why they were all suddenly crowding around the stairs but it didn't look good.

"Dad get out the way-"

"I think maybe that's enough for today."

"Dad, I've seen her for two hours, if I go now I won't see her until social services call me. Get out of the way, I'm not pissed." Ben reached his right hand out and grabbed the bannister tightly as he bent one knee and arched his back forwards in a tense manner that made him look like a predator about to pounce or lunge.

Ben was meant to see Hazel for the whole afternoon and he had only been here for roughly two hours or less before the argument broke out. There was no way Ben was going home now when he hadn't even said goodbye to Hazel or been with her for very long. He wanted to stay with her for another hour or more before he had to be evicted and wait for a week until he was told when social services would come round and assess them all. This wasn't fair and this wasn't Ben's fault, he didn't start the fight, he hadn't done anything wrong and he wasn't drunk or high so Roger had no reason to stop him from seeing Hazel.

"You've just had a fight, I don't think being with Hazel right now is the best idea-"

"I've seen you come back from the pub rougher than this and you've been fine with us. Do you think I'm gonna hurt her?" Ben had seen Roger come home un a Hell of a state from bar fights or just falling on his way home when he was drunk. Ben wasn't in any kind of state that meant he shouldn't be around Hazel, it couldn't be one rule for Ben but another for everyone else that wasn't fair and Ben wasn't going to hurt Hazel or be a threat to her.

"Of course I don't think that."

"Then I'm going to see her." Pushing himself up onto the bottom step, Ben let go of the bannister and turned sideways so he could push his shoulder between Roger and Donna to get past them. He was taller than both of them and his strength and build wasn't going to waver to either of them which made it easy for him to push past them like he was playing rugby.

Ben took the stairs two at a time despite hearing everyone following him up, knowing his dad and step mum were trying to stop him but he knew (Y/n), Joe and his mum weren't.

"Ben now calm down and stop. Hazel's fine, you need to relax and go home for the night-"

"You don't get to make the rules like this dad, she's my daughter whether I have custody of her or not and this is my day to visit. You aren't keeping her from me." Ben glanced over his shoulder before he briskly walked around a corner and then turned right to reach Hazel's room. This was his designated day to be with her, he hadn't barged in when he wasn't supposed to and he wasn't drunk so he wasn't leaving when he hadn't had enough time with his daughter.

A sigh of relief passed through Ben's lips as he hurried into Hazel's room to find that she wasn't asleep and she was still in here. Walking over to the crib, Ben couldn't help the smile that flooded his face when his girl started pulling and swaying on the bars in excitement.

"Dada!"

"Hey babygirl, come here." Leaning over the side of the crib, Ben reached his arms down so he could pick her up, grinning when she patted his cheeks once he'd settled her on his hip. Ben rested his hand to the back of her head as he kissed her temple, turning around to face the door when he heard footsteps approaching. "If you want me to leave now, then she comes with me."

Ben's expression was calm and composed as he stared at his dad, waiting for his response because Roger knew Ben would have no problem walking out with Hazel right now because he had the right to see her. When Roger didn't answer, Ben slowly sat down on the floor and settled Hazel in between his legs so she was facing him before he grabbed a few toys for her to play with as he leaned his back up against the crib to get comfy. His hands held onto Hazel's sides for precaution in case she wobbled or toppled over and he started to tickle her.

"Don't worry baby, I'm not going yet."

[megalony]

Protect you- Part 10

Another part of my bodyguard! Ben Hardy series, thank you to everyone for the lovely comments and feedback it means a lot. This is a calmer, fluff part for you all.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction

Series taglist: @onceuponadetectivedemigod @coldmuffinpartycloud @happyvoidhumanhands @catharticcrelief

Series masterlist

Enjoy.

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Resting one arm over his eyes as if to block out the darkness of the room, Ben moved his other hand. Letting his fingers skim over the tightly wrapped bandage surrounding his torso that was there to stop him from scratching or catching the stitches that could be taken out in one week. He felt his stomach tensing and pulling inwards when his fingers traced over the pointed stitches poking against the bandages.

Ben had suffered broken bones on many occasions, that was something he got used to from playing rugby, being a bouncer outside night clubs and then doing this job. He'd dodged more than one bullet over the years, but he'd never been stabbed before.

He'd never come close to losing his life before.

He'd never taken a life before.

Part of Ben knew that he should have looked. He should have watched where the tip of the knife was going and he should have aimed it two inches lower so it hit Daniel's stomach instead of the bottom chamber of his heart. If he'd of looked, he wouldn't have killed someone. Ben had never thought about causing someone's death before but when he saw people who had taken a life by accident, they were mortified at what they had done. Ben wasn't. The other part of him was in control. The other part of his mind was telling him that he had no need to feel guilty because he shouldn't of had to look.

Why should Ben have needed to look where he was stabbing someone who had already stabbed him? Someone who had attacked him and had him pinned to the floor. Ben didn't have the time to look, he only had the time to act and that was what he had done.

It wasn't intentional to kill Daniel, Ben wished for Daniel to be punished for what he had and was doing to (Y/n) but he didn't wish him dead. He certainly didn't want to be the cause of his death.

Yet Ben couldn't find it in himself to care about what he had done. He almost paid the price with his life.

It seemed like he was going to be in the clear as well. There were security cameras placed outside of the toilets in the corridor which had picked up the fight and then caught some of what had happened in the toilets after Ben went in because he had left the door open. There were witnesses to say Ben and (Y/n) had been attacked by Daniel who had locked himself in the bathroom with (Y/n). Witnesses who said Ben acted in self-defence and therefore it was manslaughter. Everyone involved would have to go to court whenever the date came through but Ben had been told he was most likely going to get a suspended sentence and it was almost certain that he would serve any time for this anyway.

Joe was a witness that Daniel had broken the terms of his release by going to see (Y/n) and hurting her. Ben's job was a bodyguard and he was within his rights to restrain anyone who was a threat to his client which Daniel had been. Ben was also within his rights to fight Daniel off of him and to try and restrain him when they were in the toilets because he was still trying to attack (Y/n). With that taken into account, Ben was in the clear.

Removing the arm that was resting over his eyes, Ben slowly turned his head to the right as he could hear (Y/n) in the next room due to the paper-thin walls. He knew this would happen. He knew the moment they got back to her apartment she would either not be able to sleep or she would have a nightmare.

That was one of the reasons he wanted to stay with her tonight but neither of them really knew how to act at the moment. Neither of them wanted to hurt the other and Ben could already hear the thoughts circulating in her head when they got back. Both of them knew he had no reason to be her bodyguard. He had literally killed the threat that had been tormenting her for the past few months and the other man that had been released didn't seem to want to find her at all.

(Y/n) was free, she was safe.

In her mind, she seemed to think that now she was safe Ben was going to disappear in the night and move on. Find a new client and forget all about her. But he wasn't going to do that and he didn't know how he could make her see that. Ben would have to either find a new client soon or possibly think of a job change. He didn't know if he wanted to be a bodyguard for much longer or if he really wanted to protect anyone else but (Y/n). He would have to sort out what he was doing within the next month or two but he knew for certain that he wasn't going to leave (Y/n).

He wanted to be with her or simply to just have her in his life, he wasn't disappearing any time soon.

Ben heard (Y/n) shuffling about before he realised he could hear her crying. Considering the past hour had been rather quiet he guessed she had had a nightmare.

He wasn't doing this. He wasn't staying in this room when she was falling to pieces in the next room. Slowly sitting up, Ben moved his legs over the side of the bed before standing to his feet. Taking a moment to adjust and take a deep breath before he started walking. Until the stitches were removed he was trying to be careful, he was normally an active person, always on the move but even standing too straight would cause pain and add some strain to his side.

Leaning her head forward as much as her tense neck would allow, (Y/n) pressed her hands to her face as if it would stop the tears from falling and force the sobs back down into her lungs.

Why did she still feel afraid? She wasn't being tracked down by the other man who was released. Out of all four men she had helped put in prison, Liam, the other one who had been released, seemed more accepting of being put in prison. He knew he had done something wrong and he had never made a snide comment to (Y/n) about her part in putting him away. She knew deep down he wasn't going to come looking for her or even approach her if he ever saw her. The other two men were still in prison and Daniel was dead.

Yet she still felt scared.

But something inside (Y/n) made her wonder if she was feeling scared because she was frightened for her safety that wasn't being threatened. Or if she was scared because she was worried she was going to lose Ben.

"Nightmare?"

Lifting her head from her hands, (Y/n) locked eyes with Ben who was standing in the doorway, silently asking permission to come over to her. He nudged the door closed with his foot before approaching the bed, slowly slipping under the covers on her left. Ben cocked his head to the side at the look in (Y/n)'s eyes that were a mix of emotions. She seemed to be looking at him as if she was both asking him something yet looking embarrassed about something else at the same time making him curious.

"I don't know how to lay without hurting." She whispered the words as her glossing eyes looked down at her hands.

If she laid on her back then her right knee was straight which is what she wanted but then her back started to hurt from the variety of bruises and the stitches on the back of her head seemed to spark to life. If she laid on her right side it applied pressure to her knee and if she laid on her left it only hurt her left leg which was bruised on the underside.

Glancing to the pillows assorted on the bed, Ben reached out for one of the thinner ones and placed it a little lower down than the rest before motioning for (Y/n) to lay back. He moved the pillow beneath her head so it was supporting her neck and not touching the stitches as the other pillow was beneath her shoulder blades and the middle of her back. He didn't think she should lay on her side due to her knee and her back needed a bit more support due to the extense of bruises and the swelling she had.

Shuffling around just a little, (Y/n) closed her eyes for a moment as Ben hovered over her to turn the lamp off. Watching with a small smile as the tension seemed to disappear from her face and her body relaxed.

"Thanks." (Y/n) whispered, turning her head to the left so she could look at Ben who laid on his right side, alleviating the pressure on his left where the stitches were.

"Did you have a nightmare?" Ben questioned, his eyes adjusting to the darkness surrounding them as he began to make out her features in the darkness that was illuminated by the moonlight peering through the curtains. Reaching his hand out, he gently brushed away the tears falling from her eyes, resting his hand on the side of her face as she leaned into the touch.

"Y-you didn't turn up... I shouldn't but I still feel scared." (Y/n) didn't want to talk about the nightmare because she knew it wasn't real and she knew it wasn't what was playing on her mind. Ben was laying right in front of her which shredded the dream to pieces which had taken the same events but cut Ben out of the equation. He was here and he had been there to save her from Daniel in the toilets. That wasn't something she was scared about, it was the fact that Daniel was dead but she still felt the same fear she did when she knew he could harm her.

"You can't flip a switch and get rid of that fear, love. You have a right to feel scared, it just takes time."

There was no button for (Y/n) to push that would rid her of her fears and the memories that flooded through her head on repeat. It would take a while for her to feel safe again after being afraid for years. It would take time to get over what had happened and to feel at peace with what had gone on. Even Ben would need time to take everything in and get over what had happened but he knew it was okay to feel afraid or worried or just not himself.

"I..." (Y/n) looked up to the ceiling to try and gather the courage she needed to say what was on her mind. "I don't want to feel alone. Before I met Joe, I lived here on my own, I isolated myself... I have him a-and you but you're done protecting me now, I'm s-so scared of being alone."

(Y/n) snapped her eyes closed as a sob bubbled past her lips.

There was a fear that had always been there which was a fear of being hurt by the men she had put in prison and although (Y/n) still had that fear, it wasn't nearly as big as a new fear beginning to blossom. (Y/n) had lost her brother and lost the connection she once had with her parents. When she first moved out she was isolated by her own accord. She had one or two good friends that she didn't meet up with very often. But when she met Joe he was the only friend she talked to and saw on a regular basis.

When Joe got her in touch with Ben, something changed. (Y/n) had someone else in her life who quickly meant a lot to her and who made her not want to be alone anymore. She didn't want that isolation she had forced onto herself and now she had Ben in her life she didn't want him to go. She was so scared of him leaving and then she would be isolated again save for Joe.

(Y/n) couldn't help but worry Ben was going to leave because he told her that he didn't make friends with his clients, he didn't kiss them or have sex with them but he did with her. Even though they said they were in a relationship it hadn't felt exactly like one because Ben had to be on the job. He had to keep boundaries to keep her safe. And he told her he normally didn't talk to clients after finishing protecting them and that made her fear that he wouldn't talk to her when he eventually stopped protecting her. She didn't want him to disappear, she wanted him in her life but she couldn't help but fear he would go.

Pushing himself up onto his knees, Ben carefully moved over, resting his left arm on the bed beside (Y/n)'s right shoulder as his right hand gently caressed the side of her face.

"Sshh, hey hey, I'm right here." Ben cooed, resting his forehead gently against her own as (Y/n) tried to blink through the tears distorting her vision. "I know you think you're just like all my other clients, but you're not. To me, you're special. I'm not leaving you for any reason at all, I might not officially be your bodyguard but I'm still gonna be here because I love you."

Brushing his thumb over her cheek, Ben leaned down the small distance and pressed his lips to hers as he felt her breath hitching in her throat at his words.

He hadn't told her before that he loved her but he did and there was no way he could leave her all alone. He could never leave her alone, he wouldn't be able to just walk away and never look back. Ben couldn't move on and find a new job or client or just leave (Y/n) behind. If he got a new job he wanted (Y/n) by his side, if she woke up during the night with a nightmare he wanted to be able to come in here and calm her down and lay with her and hold her. Ben wanted to be able to come back home to her or come round to her apartment in his free time or after work.

"Y-you..." (Y/n) ran her hand over Ben's jaw as she couldn't work out whether she was having a very lucid dream of whether this was real. "No one's said that t-to me before."

Of course (Y/n) had heard that phrase from family, from her parents, her brother, her grandparents. Even a few friends when she was younger had said it in a friendly, friends loving friends kind of way. But no one had ever told her they loved her in a relationship kind of way. She had never been in a relationship before, no one had ever wanted to be close to her and for many years she didn't want to be close to anyone.

"I'll say it a thousand times over if it helps you to believe me when I say I'm not abandoning you."

The rush of panic that had previously been rushing through (Y/n) died down at his words that were beginning to sink into her head. Ben wouldn't go to all this trouble to convince her he was staying if he intended to leave her behind. He wanted to stay with her and he wanted her to know that she could trust him. She could believe him and take relief in knowing that Ben loved her and he wasn't going to leave.

Ben leaned his head down, pressing his lips to the crook of her neck as he felt her arms wrapping around his neck. Her hand entangling in his hair at the back of his head.

"I've never had someone to say that to, I isolated myself so I don't know what it feels like... but whatever I'm feeling now has to be much better than anything else. I love you too." (Y/n) whispered the last four words in his ear before kissing the side of his temple, feeling him smile against her skin.

(Y/n) had never been in a relationship and she'd only experienced crushes on a few people when she was in school and once in college. She had never acted on those feelings and no one had ever said they fancied her, wanted to date or kiss her and no one had ever told her they loved her. Isolating herself from everyone meant that (Y/n) didn't know what she was meant to feel when she eventually fell for someone and she wasn't sure if anyone ever knew what it felt like.

But (Y/n) knew that right now, in this moment, she felt something that made her heart flutter like bird wings in her chest. She felt something that made her smile, that made her feel like she wasn't alone anymore. And this was definitely better than anything else she had ever felt or read about.

"Please don't ever think I'm going to run away and leave you." Ben whispered as he nuzzled his face into her skin, already feeling his mind calm enough to begin drifting to sleep.

Before he came into (Y/n)'s room his mind had been wide awake with worries and random thoughts and memories playing on repeat but now his mind was perfectly calm because of who he was laying with. (Y/n) had the ability to calm down his mind and both of them seemed to have a better nights sleep if they were with one another.

"I'll always protect you, love."

[megalony]

Mother dearest- Part 2

This is the second part to my Ben Hardy fic which I hope everyone enjoyed that is based on a previous imagine I did and the tv show The Act. I may do another follow-up part, I’m undecided about that yet.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @luvborhap @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction

Part 1

Enjoy.

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"Where on Earth have you been?!"

(Y/n) closed her eyes as her shoulders tensed at the tone her mother was shrieking at her in. She slowly closed the front door behind her, wanting to simply rest her weight against it and collapse to the floor in a heap.

Ben had offered when he brought (Y/n) back to come inside with her either for support or to calm her down. He didn't want to leave her here with her mother when she was in such a state. (Y/n) had stayed with Ben the previous night and he had tried his best to help her and calm her down but the longer the night went on the more (Y/n) seemed to get upset.

Her mother had lied to her.

(Y/n) ate some chocolate, a biscuit, had a few spoonfuls of sugar in a very milky coffee and all that happened was she was sick. She wasn't allergic to sugar but now that she hadn't had much at all for over four years, her body was becoming intolerable to it. Her mother had ruined her metabolism, made her sick more times than she could count and had her on a diet that had made her ill and very skinny for nothing. She had lied to (Y/n) for years because she wanted something wrong with her so she could keep her at home and continue to 'care' for her.

This made (Y/n) think that if her mother had lied about this to her, what else had she lied about?

Had (Y/n) really needed all of those operations on her eyes? Did she need her salivary glands removed when she was seven? She knew she had epilepsy when she was little but her mother still made her take the medication for it, does she actually need to take the medication that stops her from being able to drive? The medication that often made her sick and had ruined three of her teeth when she was younger. Did (Y/n) really need the medication for her stomach or was she simply feeling ill due to her mother cutting out sugar in her diet?

Did (Y/n) actually suffer from sleep apnea when she was younger and did she have sleeping problems now or was she being dosed on medication for the sake of it?

Finally opening her eyes, (Y/n) looked up at her mother who was speeding towards her now. Concern mixed with anger was plastered on her face as she rested her hands to (Y/n)'s shoulders only to have her daughter shrug her away. (Y/n)'s head was pounding from the constant questions and worries floating around in her mind.

She had spent last night in Ben's arms going through everything but it only made her feel worse. Now she was home and able to get the answers she needed, (Y/n) didn't know if she actually wanted them or not. This was her mother, the woman who had said it was her purpose to care for (Y/n). This was her mother who had taken her to the hospital, gotten her the medication she apparently needed. Who knew when to give her the medication, who knew what foods she liked that she could actually eat. Her mother who loved her and cared for her all of her life.

If everything about her medical history had been a lie then that made most of (Y/n)'s life false. It made her ill for no reason and made her suffer and be held back for no reason at all except her mother's uncontrollable need to be wanted. It meant (Y/n) didn't actually know her mother as well as she thought she did. It made a hatred grow inside (Y/n) for her mother.

"I've been with Ben." (Y/n) responded, no emotion to her voice as she stared at her mother through tortured eyes. Pushing her weight off of the front door (Y/n) barged past her mother with the little strength she had left, aiming for the kitchen.

"All night?! I don't know what's gotten into you (Y/n) but this is not acceptable- what are you doing?" Her mother stopped in her tracks when (Y/n) suddenly took an apple and taken a rather large chunk out of the fruit she was never allowed. The fruit that had sugar in which would apparently flare up her allergy. (Y/n) wasn't sure if she really liked the taste or not, there were so many foods and drinks that she could try now that she knew she could have them. But at the same time she couldn't go and stuff herself with sugar because her body had done without it for years, she would have to gradually get used to it and that was all because of her mother.

"You lied to me. I'm not allergic to sugar." (Y/n)'s words seemed to go in one ear and out the other as she watched her mother hurriedly rummage around in the cupboard to her right which contained plasters, bandages, medications and her spare EpiPen.

"Oh, you stupid girl! That boy has twisted your head, of course you're allergic, we're going to have to go to the doctors again." She mumbled the last part to herself as she reached out to grab (Y/n)'s arm. Her patience wearing thin when her daughter shrugged her away. (Y/n) hit out at her mother when she roughly pulled her arm to try and stab the EpiPen into her arm for the adrenaline that she didn't need. (Y/n) had eaten sugar last night, she had eaten far too much for her system and threw it back up but she wasn't allergic.

Reaching her hand out, (Y/n) grabbed the EpiPen from her mother and threw it to the floor. Her eyes were beginning to burn with acidic tears that were falling from her features as she stared at her mother with a burning fury.

"Stop it." (Y/n) whispered lowly, almost snarling at her mother as she didn't receive a response. Her mother seemed to be shocked in place, unsure what she was meant to do now she had clearly been caught. "I don't need glasses, I'm not allergic to sugar. Tell me what else you lied about." Her mother seemed to take a moment to blink as she came to the realisation that (Y/n) wasn't wearing her navy blue glasses like she normally was.

(Y/n) had thought last night that if her mother could lie about any of her conditions, had she lied about needing glasses too? She had always been told that the operations on her eyes had made her sight a bit better but she needed the glasses to keep her vision corrected. Last night (Y/n) took them off and tried to read a book or just walk around without them. She could read a book, she could watch tv and she could walk around with perfect vision without the glasses sitting on her nose. This was only more proof that she had been lied to all of her life and (Y/n) had an awful feeling that she was actually perfectly healthy meaning all of her life was a lie.

"Now listen to me. That boy has put ideas in your head. Your vision is better now but you need those glasses to keep it that way, you have always been allergic to sugar... maybe your just beginning to tolerate it now. Stop acting out like this. We'll forget you sneaking out and disappearing to be with this boy but this is the only time. You do not see him again."

Something horrid seemed to come over (Y/n). She didn't know what it was but she had never felt such a feeling of anger and pure hatred in all her life. The apple that was beginning to get crushed in her hand was suddenly launched at the far wall, splattering its juice up the wall and letting chunks of soggy apple fly out and slide down the wall. A sob escaped her lips as she kicked her foot out at one of the cupboards beside her.

This was not fair. This was not how things were meant to happen. (Y/n) should have had a childhood like Ben did. She should have been able to go out and make friends, go to school full time, not have to live in a hospital. She should have been able to eat sweets and chocolate and fruit and normal bread and desserts. She shouldn't have been put on a diet for no reason or had all of those appointments or operations for what seems to be nothing. (Y/n) is eighteen, she should be able to go out with Ben and be and feel normal but her mother wasn't allowing that.

"If you've lied to me about anything else, I will never forgive you." (Y/n) didn't have the strength to fight her mother on this when it seemed that all her mother was going to do was lie to save her own skin. (Y/n) could find out the truth in other ways, she didn't need to try and get her mother to tell the truth when she was so desperate to guard it and keep it secret.

Spotting her phone on the counter near to her mother, (Y/n) took it on her way out of the kitchen as she headed upstairs. Knowing her mother thought she was backing down like she always did.

(Y/n) couldn't stay here knowing what her mother had done all her life, she couldn't continue to be here and be treated like a sick child younger than she actually was. Being told to sit and play or go to her room or having timed medication for things she didn't need. Her mother was going to treat her like a baby and she didn't want to be trapped with no escape. (Y/n) wanted to be away from the house that was becoming a locked cage to her. Ben's mother said if ever she needed, (Y/n) could stay with them if things got complicated at home and that was the only option (Y/n) had.

Her mother had isolated her from any of their family since she was a baby, she only had two friends and Ben. She had no other friends or family and knew no one else who could get her out of this situation. Ben was her lifeline and all she could do was hang onto that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey baby, how's it going with your mum?" Ben's tone was gentle yet understanding. He had been waiting all night for a text message or a phone call from her to say that she was alright or she needed picking up or that something had happened. He had mulled over everything in his head and had even talked to his mother about it and all he could come up with was the same conclusion that there was something up with (Y/n)'s mother.

To fake your child's illness in such horrific ways was uncalled for and unheard of. Ben didn't like the thought of (Y/n) being back at home with her mother who was clearly manipulative in case something happened. And the longer he didn't hear from (Y/n) the more worried he became.

"Can you come get me?" (Y/n)'s mother had always played up on her epilepsy, sometimes she had said (Y/n) had seizures in her sleep and so she was kept on medication and this meant that she couldn't learn to drive. That was also good for her mother because it meant (Y/n) couldn't leave if she was mad or angry or simply wanted to escape. She had successfully trapped (Y/n) at home until she met Ben who had his own car and could drive.

"Sure, has something happened?" She could already hear the blond moving about, probably going to get his keys and shoes to head for her now.

"I'm scared... mum's trying to give me meds and she gave me more sleeping pills than I normally take last night. She's not letting me out of her sight, I want to leave."

When she had been in her room her mother had come up with a small handful of pills for her stomach and epilepsy and last night had given her some sleeping pills too. (Y/n) knew she had been handed more pills than she needed and so had placed them into her mouth, drank the cup of water and when her mother left she quickly spat the pills out and flushed them down the toilet. Her mother was dosing her on medication she didn't need. She had given her more sleeping pills to knock her out in case she tried to leave during the night.

"You didn't take them, did you?"

"No, she's acting like I'm still ill a-and she doesn't want me to see you-" Ben could hear the panic and fear in his girlfriend's voice and it brought tears to his eyes. She was afraid for her safety because of her own mother, that was something no one should ever go through and it was something that (Y/n) had never had to worry about before now.

She had been so close to her mother before and now she was seeing that the world wasn't the way she had been told it was. She was seeing her mother's true colours and Ben knew that was going to affect her much more than it would for anyone else.

"Alright, calm down sweetheart. I'm leaving now, I'll be ten minutes I promise just hang on 'til I get there." Ben hushed, trying to keep his tone level as he headed out the front door, pushing his phone into his pocket when (Y/n) mumbled a quick response. She needed Ben to come and get her now before something happened with her mother who was getting increasingly worrying for (Y/n). She was being sickly sweet to (Y/n) but there was a threatening aura about her that was setting her on edge.

Her mother was going back to acting as if she was a child and nothing was wrong between them. She seemed to have a reset button and was continuing to act like (Y/n) still had all of her medical problems that they both knew were all false. She had caught (Y/n) having a jam sandwich and scolded her because jam had sugar in. Out of fear, (Y/n) had put the sandwich in the bin because her mother had gone to grab the EpiPen. She was willing to keep dosing (Y/n) with adrenaline for no reason whatsoever which could have harmed her body over the years.

Grabbing the binder sat in front of her, (Y/n) got to her feet, stuffed her phone into her bag and slung it on her shoulder. She couldn't hide up here and wait for Ben to turn up, she needed to wait downstairs or even out in the street so her mother couldn't prevent her from leaving.

(Y/n) paced up and down the hallway for a few moments before slowly descending down the stairs, trying to prolong the time so she could get outside when Ben arrived. It never took him long to get here but today the minutes were turning into hours. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, her head turned in the direction of her mother who was just walking out of the living room, stopping in her tracks when she saw her daughter.

"What are you doing, honey? Why have you got my binder?" Her tone started in the same usual sickly sweet way before her words were more spiteful, more dark and humourless when she noticed the pink and blue striped binder in (Y/n)'s arm.

"You lied to me about everything, how can you expect me to stay when I know what you're doing?" (Y/n)'s tone was heartbroken as she watched the sorrow, fear and anger run around in her mother's eyes. The binder was all the proof (Y/n) needed to know that her life was a lie that she had been fed. It showed her medical history and all the procedures and appointments she had. Each one said that her mother said she had vision problems, her mother said she was epileptic and having fits in the night. Her mother told the doctors that she had stomach problems, that she needed her salivary glands removed. Her mother said she was allergic to nuts and sugar. Her mother told them everything that was wrong with (Y/n) and they went along with it.

If a doctor didn't do what she wanted she went and found one who would and (Y/n) hadn't known. All her life she had thought her mother knew best, that she knew what was wrong with (Y/n) and how to deal with it but she hadn't. She had played everyone to get what she wanted. She wanted sympathy for caring for a sick daughter who was never going to leave because she needed constant care.

"I told you to stop this stupid game. Give that to me and go to your room-"

"To do what? Play happy families with a lying, cheating, vicious mother and act like I'm eight? I don't want to be near you anymore." How could her mother think she would give in? That she would simply go upstairs like a scolded child and live out the rest of her life pretending to be sick.

It was as if on cue that there was a knock at the door and (Y/n) didn't have to open it to know that on the other side it was Ben. He hadn't sat in the car like usual, he had been more on edge than normal and he knew that if (Y/n) didn't run out of the house to get to the car straight away he should knock on the door to check on her. Both (Y/n) and her mother locked eyes for a split second as one was confused and one was relieved about the person on the other side of the door.

Pressing the binder closer to her chest, (Y/n) turned and unlocked the door within a split second. The door only just opening to reveal Ben before a gasp left her lips, her head jolting backwards when she felt her mother grasping her hair to pull her back.

(Y/n)'s elbow flew into her mother's stomach, successfully winding her which caused her to stumble, pulling (Y/n) with her until her daughter fell to the floor. The binder crashed into her chest before slumping to the floor beside her as a groan escaped her lips, each bone crashing to the wooden floorboards causing shockwaves to rocket through her. Shaking her head to try and stop the sudden dizziness, (Y/n) managed to make out her mother shouting at Ben, clearly knowing who he was but not wanting him here.

She tried to tell him that (Y/n) was fifteen in a feeble attempt to shock him into leaving but he simply scoffed. Hitting her hands off his arm when she tried uselessly to get him out of the door again. Leaning over, Ben quickly slipped his arms around (Y/n)'s frame and hoisted her to her feet as she scrambled to grab the binder. Everything happening in a split second as Ben pushed her behind him, holding his arm out to keep her out of the firing line of her mother as he backed them both out the door very quickly.

"Get in the car." He whispered the words sternly in her ear, his hand pressing to her lower back as he nudged her to hurry because he could feel her mother trying to grab his shirt to stop him.

When both of them were in the car Ben wasted no time hitting the lock button on the dash, his frame jumping at Katie who was hitting the door and window so harshly he wouldn't be surprised if she put her fist through the glass. (Y/n) curled up in her seat, pulling her knees up to her stomach as she clasped the binder very tightly to her chest. Tears burnt into her features like droplets of acid her she tried to stop her chest from quivering but it was useless. She couldn't help but let out small sobs or her body shaking.

Neither of them said anything to one another on the short drive down to Ben's house. When Ben pulled up in the drive, he turned to look at (Y/n) as she was leaning her head against the window and he thought she was going to start rocking back and forth at any moment.

"Baby... talk to me." When Ben gingerly reached out to take her hand she didn't pull away. (Y/n) slowly turned her head to look at Ben, her eyes glassy and dull as tears were distorting her vision.

"S-she lied about everything." Letting go of his hand, (Y/n) set the binder on his lap. Watching as he narrowed his eyes in confusion before he started to look through the rather large binder that was full to the brim with medical notes and papers and signed documents. "I'm not allergic to sugar, I d-didn't need my salivary glands out... my vision is fine, she gave me meds for my stomach but I was fine. I haven't had an epileptic fit in years b-but she gave me the meds and they ruined some of my teeth."

Ben felt the urge to be sick as he looked through each document in the file. It showed how many times Katie had taken (Y/n) to the hospital and how every time, the doctors believed her when she said something was wrong with (Y/n). They didn't do many tests to prove this, they just accepted and did whatever treatment or gave whatever meds Katie wanted.

Closing the binder without looking all the way through the files which would take hours, Ben turned so he was better facing (Y/n). He swiped his thumb over her cheek, gently brushing away some of the tears.

"She can't lie to you anymore sweetheart. You're staying with me, she can't hurt you anymore." Ben continued to brush away the tears as he pressed his lips to hers. He wouldn't let her mother abuse her or hurt her anymore, as long as she stayed with him he would do everything he could to make sure she would be alright.

[megalony]

Rose plants

A Roger Taylor imagine I thought of after watching the movie ‘The Help’, I hope you all like it.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @luvborhap @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac

Warning: Mentions of miscarriage

Roger Taylor masterlist

Part 2

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sitting up straighter in bed, (Y/n) felt her back clicking into place releasing the tension that seemed to have built up whilst she was sleeping. Tangling her hand in her hair, (Y/n) couldn't stop a smile from pulling at her lips when she heard the very faint sound of Roger humming in the adjoining bathroom. It was a very usual thing for the drummer to do, especially early in the morning like this. He was normally an early riser and he was always chirpy and in the mood to sing in the morning.

Shuffling to the end of the bed (Y/n) slowly got to her feet, moving to the chest of drawers next to the door. Grabbing some clothes before moving to sit back down on the edge of the bed to get changed whilst Roger was occupying the bathroom.

(Y/n) wasn't like Roger in the morning, it usually took breakfast and either some tea or juice to get her brain to start working efficiently in the morning. Getting changed felt like a routine that happened whilst she was in a daze or with her eyes closed. It didn't take mental power to take off her nightwear and slip on her shirt and socks and jeans etc,.

Just as (Y/n) changed her underwear and reached out for the jeans beside her on the bed, she stopped herself short. Her eyes narrowed as she took a moment to think if she had simply caught something out the corner of her eye or if she had imagined it. With shaking hands, she reached down to pick up the underwear and shorts she had previously been wearing that had been left on the carpet for the time being. No air passed through her lips when she realised the glimpse out the corner of her eye had been right.

There was blood.

There wasn't a vast amount but any blood was too much when she was almost five months pregnant.

One hand moved to rest against her stomach as the other continued to hold the soiled clothing that was capturing her full attention. She had been so careful and sure. So sure that this time there would be a different ending to the rest. This time had to be different because Roger knew.

"Not dressed yet?" There was slight amusement in Roger's voice as he leaned against the doorframe to the bathroom. His brows raised as he noticed (Y/n) sitting on the end of the bed as if she was asleep sitting up. When he didn't gain an answer Roger waited another second, realising his wife wasn't moving at all setting off alarm bells in his mind. Pushing himself from the doorframe, Roger walked into the room, brushing his hair from his eyes as he moved to sit down next to her. "Everything okay?" Roger knew (Y/n) wasn't a morning person at the best of times but he had never seen this reaction before.

When her eyes met his own she looked like a deer in the headlights, her expression coming off as vulnerable in Roger's eyes which made his heart speed up. She didn't say anything, simply held the bloodied item of clothing out for him to see.

Roger's eyes danced from the underwear in (Y/n)'s hand to her stomach as he suddenly felt lightheaded. They had been trying for over a year to have a baby and now when they thought it was going fine, things seemed to take a different turn.

"Are you having any pains?" Roger questioned, his tone gentle and his voice quiet as he reached out and took her hand in his own. He watched (Y/n) shake her head although she wouldn't look at him. She didn't want to see the expression on his face. "Alright... are you still bleeding?" When she nodded her head in agreement, Roger gently pressed his finger under her chin, tilting her head so she was finally looking at him. His expression showed a sea of calmness that was hiding how he was feeling on the inside. "Then let's get you checked out, sweetheart."

Roger couldn't help but sneak glances at (Y/n) every few minutes whilst he was driving. Of course he didn't know how she would react to something like this but this wasn't the kind of reaction he thought she would have. He watched as she leaned her head against the window, one hand resting on her face occasionally brushing away the tears that wouldn't stop falling. As her other hand brushed over her slightly protruding stomach.

He didn't exactly know what kind of reaction he was expecting but he could tell in her eyes and the mournful expression on her features that she thought they had lost the baby. It was as if she was either accepting it or had guessed that this would happen.

"It could be nothing." Roger wasn't lying or trying to raise her spirits with false hope. There hadn't been a lot of blood and she wasn't feeling any different or experiencing any pains. Some women had the occasional bleed when they were pregnant, it didn't just mean a miscarriage. Moving his hand, Roger gently held onto her own but she made no attempt to look at him, continuing to gaze at the passing scenery instead.

This had happened before. (Y/n) wasn't used to thinking positive because that didn't do her any good before so why should this time be any different?

But (Y/n) really did think that this time it would work out differently because nothing had happened before now. She'd taken the leap and told Roger that she was pregnant and they'd already had a scan that showed everything was fine and there was 'nothing to worry about'. She was beginning to show now which hadn't happened before because she had lost them before reaching five months. It was as if she was being given a false sense of hope because God knows that she needed it, for the rug to then be pulled from under her feet because that was the way of the world.

When (Y/n) didn't respond Roger saw no point in trying to say anything else. He had medical knowledge but he wasn't a doctor, he couldn't tell her she had or hadn't lost the baby and that was the only thing that she needed to know right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Roger followed (Y/n) into the living room as a look of both confusion and a small frown of annoyance pulled at his lips.

She hadn't said one word to him all morning as if he was in trouble for something that he didn't know he had done. He had taken her to the doctors and had watched the look of confusion and disbelief on her features when they heard the heartbeat of their baby. He watched how (Y/n) didn't believe that there was nothing wrong even after being told the bleeding had stopped and was not something to worry about.

Roger watched her walk like she was in a different universe, not uttering one word to him even if she held his hand tightly or let him wrap her up in his arms. It was as if she wasn't really there with him and Roger wanted to know where she was.

"Sweetheart, can you please talk to me?" There was both a begging tone yet a sense of sternness to Roger's voice. He was pleading for some kind of conversation but he was also demanding one because he didn't want to carry on like this. He needed to know what was wrong and if she didn't talk to him he didn't know what he could do. He thought she would have cracked a smile at knowing their baby was alright or said at least something to him. But she still looked as if she was sure that their baby wasn't alright. She seemed to be in a trance. "I need to know what's wrong."

Roger blinked in disbelief as he shook his head, anger rushing through his veins when (Y/n) stared rather blankly at him as if she didn't know who her own husband was before she walked away. Picking up the pace, Roger manoeuvred around the sofa before reaching out and clamping his hand around (Y/n)'s upper arm to stop her from walking away.

"Don't walk away from me." Roger sighed through the words, not being rude or sounding angry. He simply sounded fed up. He wasn't being rude, he was asking for her to talk to him.

(Y/n) didn't shrug off his touch like he first thought she would, instead she took his hand that was resting on her arm and interlaced his fingers with hers. Confusing him as she started to walk in the direction of the kitchen giving Roger no option but to follow her and assume she was going to tell or show him something. The drummer felt even more confused when (Y/n) started walking outside, why did they have to have a conversation in the back garden?

Roger leaned his head to the side in question when (Y/n) finally let go of his hand so that she could sit down on the grass more to the right of the rather large garden. Shrugging his shoulders, he sat down next to her, wondering why they were sitting in front of the rose plants.

"Don't be angry with me." (Y/n) almost whimpered the words that she didn't want to speak, showing that she was actually afraid Roger would get mad with her for something. His head leaned to the side in confusion as he reached out to interlace their fingers again. He didn't know what she was referring to or talking about, but there wasn't a great deal that (Y/n) could do or ever had done that had caused him to be angry with her. He could get frustrated or upset, but he hardly ever felt anger towards his wife.

"Why would I be angry with you, sweetheart?"

"When you went to LA for a month for your album, I didn't call you back when I had a miscarriage." Roger's eyes narrowed as he stared into the distance to allow his mind to reel back and find when she was talking about. A huff that resembled a laugh escaped his lips as he didn't believe she was telling him this. He'd only gone to LA to either write or produce an album once and that was for his first solo album but that was just over three years ago, they had only been married for roughly a year at that point.

He had been out of the country when she needed him and she didn't even call to ask him to come home- she didn't call to tell him. If she had of kept quiet because of the album he could see (Y/n) 's logic and reasoning even if he didn't like the fact she hadn't called. But she had stayed quiet for three years! Three years Roger had lived under the impression that she was fine, not knowing that he'd created a life that had been lost.

(Y/n) waited for a minute longer to let the news settle in before she broke something else to him that would be worse.

"You worked through the night with the band two years ago and it happened again b-but... when you came home I didn't know how to tell you, s-so I didn't." (Y/n) had never seen the emotions swirling in Roger's darkened eyes before in all the years she had known him, nor could she blame him for feeling something that was surely not good, towards her.

Roger often had late nights or sometimes worked through the night to get a song finished, it was nothing new. But when it happened again (Y/n) didn't want to call the studio and make him come home because she was a wreck and all she wanted was to sleep it off. But when the morning came and Roger came home (Y/n) couldn't find the words to tell him, especially since it would most likely mean she would have to tell him about her previous miscarriage. It seemed so much simpler to lie and act like she had a stomach bug than to reveal what had actually happened whilst he hadn't been there.

"Eight months before I found out we were having a baby..." (Y/n) glanced to her stomach before back to Roger as he shook his head. He didn't want to know anymore but he knew he had to. "You were late for the studio a-and I told you I slipped when you heard a crash in the bathroom... I convinced you to go, I-I'm sorry."

Roger remembered that, it wasn't long after they'd decided to try for a baby. He'd woken up late and had been fumbling around to make sure he had everything when it sounded like (Y/n) had slipped or collided with the bathtub. He'd pestered for her to open the door because he knew she was an accident-prone and wanted to make sure she was alright but he was in a rush and she had sounded perfectly fine. If he'd have persisted, waited outside the door or tried to force his way into the bathroom he would have found out what had actually happened. He would have been there to comfort and help (Y/n) but he had gone to work instead. Like she'd asked him to.

When he noticed her eyes drifting from him to her side, Roger followed her line of sight. Wondering if she had another revelation to tell him or if that was all she had kept for him during the past three years. His body coiled backwards as he tried to stop himself from gagging or crying when it clicked into place in his head.

There were three rose plants in front of them. Three that had been planted at different times over the years, one of which had only been planted just over a year ago. One plant held red roses, the other held yellow, and the recent one held pink. They had bricks around the soil in a circle so no one stood on them or no animals knocked the plants down. Roger didn't think anything of it when he noticed the plants each time they had been placed in the ground but it made sense. Each one turned up after the moments (Y/n) had just told him about.

Each one was for the babies they had lost.

Roger hadn't been the one to go through losing them, he didn't know what that felt like even if he could feel holes being burnt into his heart at the news. He could see why she would want to keep this to herself and he could understand now why she had been so worried today. But they were all lives that he had helped to create, he wanted to mourn each one they lost too.

"You should have told me." Roger breathed through the words as (Y/n) bowed her head, so sure that he was going to turn around and head back inside. Her breathing hitched when his arms suddenly enveloped around her instead, holding her to his chest so delicately but with urgency at the same time. He rested one hand on her stomach as he pressed his lips to her temple. "You don't have to do this alone anymore, I know now."

[megalony]

Another guy’s girl- Part 8

I’m finally getting back into writing for this Ben Hardy love triangle series which I hope you are all enjoying so far. Feedback is always appreciated.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @rogahs-drowse

Summary: Joe and (Y/n) have a daughter together and though they are separated Joe hopes they are going to get back together. That becomes harder when Ben comes on the scene and falls for (Y/n).

Series masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well that makes two of us."

Joe's words cut through Ben as he tipped his head down to look at his feet as he folded his arms over his chest. Joe could be angry at Ben all he liked, but the fact of the matter was that neither of them could help that they loved (Y/n). Ben could never ask Joe to ignore those feelings or to turn them off but in turn, Joe couldn't ask that of Ben either, regardless of how long Joe had known and been with (Y/n) before now.

Ben never wanted to hurt Joe, he was his friend and he knew that he was going to cause chaos if he got involved with (Y/n) when he knew who she was to Joe. But he got involved anyway because he couldn't seem to help himself and because he wanted to.

He shouldn't have to back down and walk away from (Y/n) simply because Joe loved her. Ben didn't owe Joe anything, he didn't owe it to Joe or to (Y/n) or to himself to take himself out of the equation when he knew that there was nothing between Joe and (Y/n) anymore.

Yet Ben couldn't help but feel like he was the bad guy in this situation because Joe had known (Y/n) for much longer than he had and Joe had a history with her. He was the one who had been in a long relationship with her, he was the one who had a child with her and who was Maddie's father. Ben was simply the new guy on the scene who was making things difficult for everyone.

Ben turned his head to the left when the apartment door opened, he felt the air getting stuck in his throat as he tried to study (Y/n)'s features quickly to see whether she had heard any of what they had said. Something told him she did.

"Can you watch Maddie for a minute please?" (Y/n) spoke quietly as her eyes drifted between Ben and Joe to silently ask the blond if he wouldn't mind giving her and Joe a moment alone.

Ben nodded his head, silently thankful for an excuse to head back inside because this conversation was beginning to feel toxic. He didn't want to stay out here and argue because he never wanted to upset or argue with Joe and right now if they carried on, one of them was going to say something they would regret. Ben rested his hand on (Y/n)'s shoulder for a moment before he walked past her and headed back inside, closing the door after him.

(Y/n) tipped her head down as she leaned against the wall next to the door of the apartment. Not wanting to lift her head and look at Joe's eyes that would make her want to cry.

"Joe... neither of us ever had the intention of hurting you. When Ben knew I was your ex he told me he would step back if there was something between you and me. He isn't trying to make you suffer." (Y/n) slowly tilted her head up so she was looking at Joe, tears already pooling in her eyes when she noticed they were doing the same in his eyes. This was never a game to see how badly they could hurt Joe or to see how far they could push him or make him suffer. Him getting hurt was something that seemed inevitable no matter how hard they tried to avoid it.

"Do you know how hard it is, to love someone who doesn't love you back?"

The tears welling in her eyes flooded the damn at his words that cut through to her heart. (Y/n) knew what that was like, but she hadn't felt that for many years. She would never wish that upon Joe or anyone else and to know she was the one who didn't reciprocate his feelings made her heart fracture in more places than she could count.

"I know what it's like to love you but know that I have to let you go. When we broke up I got so close to calling and begging to make a go of things but I knew if I did that it would only cause pain. I know how it feels to grow up with parents who were always arguing or fighting Joe and no matter how much I loved you, it was never going to be enough."

Maddie was two when (Y/n) and Joe broke up and in one way, that was so much easier because they didn't have to explain to her why she was going to live with (Y/n) instead of both parents at the same time. They didn't have to explain that they weren't together anymore and tell her that they loved her equally. Maddie simply grew up living with her mother but having Joe around and staying with him too. She was fine with this situation because for just over two years, as she has grown it has been a normality for her.

But (Y/n) found it hard at the same time because Maddie was so young and (Y/n) didn't want her to have to know what it's like to have separated parents. It was hard to bring Maddie up on her own with the kind of job Joe had that took him around the world.

But all of those times (Y/n)'s hand had hovered over her phone as she debated calling Joe in the middle of the night, she knew she couldn't.

They loved each other but they argued, they didn't get along, they felt better apart and the arguments always seemed to spring up from nowhere. It didn't matter how much (Y/n) loved Joe or how much he loved her, their relationship was never going to work. Letting him go was the best thing for all of them and now (Y/n) could say with certainty that she loved Joe as a very dear friend and as the father of her child. She didn't love him in a romantic sense and sooner or later, Joe was going to feel the same.

(Y/n) didn't want Maddie to grow up with parents who were always at each other's throats and have Maddie stuck in the middle of that. From experience (Y/n) knew it was not a nice thing to put a child through.

"It felt right at the time to let you go but I feel like it's all different now. I'm here, (Y/n). I'm here and I'm not running off to the States tomorrow, I'm not asking for a fight and I'm not going to leave when you need me-"

"That's like magic, Joe, and magic always fades. You're here now, you're prepared to be here when me or Maddie need you and you love us. How is that any different than before?" Joe wasn't always there before but the truth was he was never always going to be here this time around. He was there when they needed him and that was the same now. He loved her and Maddie then and that was the same now but it still ended in disaster.

(Y/n) wasn't going to wait around for it to go wrong, she was going to keep hold of the good thing she had going with Ben and not let it disappear for something she knew was never going to last.

"Well, I guess I can't do anything to change your mind."

When Joe turned and started to walk down the hallway, (Y/n) tried to hurry after him, mindful of her leg that she was still limping on. This wasn't how she wanted the conversation to end and that was not the attitude she hoped Joe would have about this. (Y/n) knew he was never going to be happy and it was going to be hard for him to accept her decision but she wanted to try and keep things civil between them and make sure this was all sorted out.

They had Maddie to think of, it wouldn't be right if they were cold towards one another or didn't talk when picking Maddie up or dropping her off with one another. They had to be civil and they had to learn to be okay around each other, including Joe being okay around Ben.

Joe snapped his eyes closed as he dipped his head down when he felt (Y/n) wrapping her arms around his neck as she pressed her face into his neck. Her chest pressing against his back as she stopped him from walking away from her. Neither of them said anything for a few moments as (Y/n) was half expecting Joe to push her away and continue walking but when his hand reached up and clasped around her own, she knew he wasn't going to go just yet.

"I'm sorry." (Y/n) whispered the words quietly against his neck, hoping he could hear the sincerity in her voice. She truly never meant to hurt him and she had to make sure Joe knew that.

"I know."

Joe brought (Y/n)'s hand to his lips and kissed the back of her hand before he slowly pulled away from her. Not daring to look at her over his shoulder because he knew he wouldn't have the guts to walk away if he did. So he carried on walking.

"Where's Maddie?" (Y/n) questioned as she walked back into the apartment, closing the door behind her as she simply felt like curling up on the sofa and going to sleep. She slowly sat down on the sofa as Ben walked over to take a seat next to her, his eyes seemingly asking a thousand questions at once, none of which (Y/n) could work out or comprehend.

"Trying to find a movie on Netflix in the bedroom with Frankie... did Joe leave?"

Ben did a quick sweep of the apartment before concluding that Joe must have gone or else he was still standing outside of the apartment in the hall waiting for round two. (Y/n) simply hummed in response, not having the will or the energy to go into details about what had been said between her and Joe.

"Why do I feel like the bad guy?" The sudden question made (Y/n) turn her head to look at Ben as she felt a wave of shock rushing through her. The question was unexpected and rather random but it was how Ben felt. He felt as if he had just walked into their lives and turned everything upside down and now he was getting told off for that.

"That would only be the case if me and Joe were together." (Y/n) couldn't tell Ben exactly why he felt like that, nor could she try and explain how he felt or simply dismiss how he was feeling. But she could tell him that right now he was not the bad guy and he had no reason to feel that way.

"But I knew how he felt and I ignored it, I went right ahead and dated you anyway and I walked into Maddie's life too. She's Joe's girl, not mine and I'm stepping on his toes here-" Ben felt like he was inadvertently pushing Joe away or stepping in his place because he was with (Y/n) now and he was in Maddie's life. He wanted to be some kind of father figure or importance to Maddie but he would never want to get in between her and Joe because Joe was her father and Ben knew better than to disrupt that but he still felt like he was doing something wrong.

Turning herself around so she was facing him, (Y/n) gently rested her hands on either side of his face, brushing her thumb over his cheekbone. She didn't want him to think or feel that way and he had to know that he was doing nothing wrong here.

"Sweetheart, listen to me. Maddie knows who her father is and that isn't going to change, just like when Joe finds someone else, she will still know that I'm her mother. I want to be with you and I'm done trying to hide that or feel bad about it because it's not wrong. Maddie loves Joe but she loves you too... almost as much as I do. So don't feel bad for walking into our lives because we won't let you leave."

Just because Ben had come into her life didn't mean that Maddie would forget about Joe or feel like Ben was more of a father to her. She knew Joe was her father and she still loved him the same as before, even if she did love Ben and loved having him around. And when Joe eventually found someone else and started to date them, Maddie wasn't going to think that his girlfriend was taking over as her mother, she would still love (Y/n) the same.

(Y/n) was done believing that being with Ben was wrong, she loved him and she wanted to be with him so she was going to stay with him unless he didn't want to be with her anymore. He didn't have to worry about hurting Joe and he didn't have to worry about being in the way or stepping on anyone's toes.

(Y/n) didn't know if she had ever seen Ben smile as much as he did in that moment before he captured her lips with his own.

He wasn't about to walk away from either of them, he was already in far too deep to think about walking away.