#way to go xixi

[miyanaxxi]

Was looking through the Human Kingdoms on Fandom and found this.

I thought: “If Allhaven Hill is where the Summit of the Pentarchy is held, and it’s in Duren, why was Aanya the late one?”

And now I like to think she was arguing with Grark (her brother) about going on her own. Because she’s dealt with so many coups and conspiracies, he’s paranoid something will happen to her. In the end, she went: “Brother, my regent’s out of a job, I’m the queen now.”

And he was like: “Awh, shucks. Be safe, I guess. Roast some asses, idk.”

[softstarsabove]

GREYYYYY ⌯˃̶ᗜ˂̶⌯ 💞 hai i just believe you and sunday r soooo cute ‹𝟹 #sunreymybeloveds ! so so sooo this is my attempt of you guys in the snow ehe >3< currently shaking in my boots as i send this so . . hallo :3c

( now tht i see it off m ipad you guys r way more far back then attended ?! melts in embarrassment.. )

XIXI!?!??!

!?!?!?!?!

！！(゜ロ゜ノ)ノ

THIS IS THE CUTEST OMGG 🥹😭😭😭🫶🫶🫶

Actually in tears rn whatttt I love this aaaaaa

🥹🥹🥹🥹 THANK YOU!? THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WORD BESIDES JUST THANK YOU

[toram-toram]

/ nsfw

but consider sitting on chilchuck's lap while he's got you stuffed with his dick and he's playing with your tits ...

(like aughhhh he's just sitting there, not moving his hips at all and he's just squeezing your tits and kissing your neck .... aguahghhh)

-xixi 🌧️

OH MY GOOOOD😩😩😩

I have such a weak spot for neck kisses 🫣

-----//----

COLLAB WITH ANON<3 (NSFW)

Chilchuck x Female/ AFAB Reader Cock warming, teasing, overstimulation, sex, shaming:

His lips kisses and sucks the most vulnerable part of your neck while his hot breath is fanning over your skin, that in return is getting goosebumps when his nose exhales cold air against it.

Meanwhile he's playing with your nipples, the sensation travels to your clit that's almost pulsating by the amount of stimulation your breasts are having.

Your back is arched as you're desperately leaning your chest towards his hands, as if his fingers on your nipples alone could bring you to an orgasm.

Minutes goes by on this agonizing limbo

Your body now flinches every time he flicks your breasts. Your neck is on fire by the amount of hickeys he has put on your skin, and the sensation of his cock inside of you without moving makes you want to cry.

If you try to roll your hips against it what would he do...?

Without announcing you move your hips in circles and the sensation of his dick rubbing against your walls but most importantly, your clit, pathetically brings you closer to your orgasm.

As you're trembling and moaning out loud, Chilchuck's reprimanding voice almost goes unnoticed. What brings you back to reality is a quick slap on one of your tits.

You jump at the sudden act, and the sensation of your pussy going up and down his cock makes you mad with impatience. If he doesn't stop this sadistic game right now, you're going to rip your hair out while screaming and crying.

Also, you're going to kill him.

"Don't look at me like that, I'm just trying to make you feel good~" Chilchuck says smugly as you stare at him (damn, if looks could kill...)

One of his hands begins to caress your belly, tentatively getting closer and closer to your clit.

"I can't believe after all of this, you're still not satisfied." He sounds so disappointed, and that makes something inside of your guts twist. But you still keep quiet, focusing on your deep breaths as you watch his hands travel down.

And then he finally

Finally

Starts to rub his fingers against your pussy.

The moan that escapes your throat is high pitched and he chuckles at your immediate response.

"I spoil you too much..."

His fingers moves professionally as you drench his hand with your juices, creating the most vulgar sounds you have ever heard.

"But I can't help it..."

You barely hears what he says, but all thoughts go out the window as he thrusts his dick inside you.

As you let out a scream, he uses his other hand to cover your mouth, putting more pressure than necessary on your skin.

He violently thrusts one more time inside you, failing to hold back a moan:

"Ah... Maybe one day I'll regret- That I... spoiled you... too much..."

And he thrusts again.

And again.

And again.

His quick but deep movements makes you turn into jelly on his hands, your body finally relaxing as it receives what it desired for way too long...

"Ah... hah.. look at you. Already drunk by my dick?"

As if your mind was programmed, you quickly nods in response, even thought you're not really sure what he asked...

"You're so desperate... It- it makes you look pathetic. Did you know that?"

He returns to rub his fingers on your clit and your cries get muffled by his hand.

"Seriously... I feel so bad for you- Ah~ But I can't help but take advantage of you... But... You don't mind that, yeah? You- you... seems to like it...."

Speaking becomes harder and harder for Chilchuck as he becomes closer to coming.

He bites his lips as the sensation consumes him

Vision goes foggy, he takes his hands out of you to gain some stability and focuses on the wet sound of skin slapping, and how it feels like music to his hears.

Meanwhile, you're trying (but failing) to bounce back on his dick, but your entire body feels drunk, muscles failing to move accordingly, either way you don't stop.

Because your so close

God fucking dammit you're almost there

And, as if he had read your mind, his speed increases. And what brings you to the edge it's the felling of his balls slapping against your clit.

Your body convulses as you cum hard and wet on his dick and thighs. And that's when Chilchuck allows himself to cum, shoving his seed deep inside you with a few more thrusts.

~~~~

Both of you focus to catch your breaths, feeling like you just ran a marathon, meanwhile Chilchuck hopes he doesn't have a heart attack...

You slip out of him and lays on the cold floor, body incapable of holding its own weight any longer. And the man seems to ignore you as he lays down on the bed.

Still breathless he says:

"I'm... to old... for this nowadays... I might have... a... heart attack."

You quickly responds:

"Good. It's what you deserve."

---------//----------

Is this even good?? Idk I just spaced out and wrote it.... either way I hope you like it lol

[jnnul]

nouvelle vague

a/n: i've been in a fever dream writing this fic, honestly. i kinda just needed to write it. it means so much to me that i did though because it's something that i wish that i had learned earlier and i just love this fic so much please love her like i have. and a huge HUGE thank you to xixi and soph for beta reading! couldn't have made this fic possible without you <3 quick note: feedback, comments, etc. GREATLY encourage writers! if you felt any sort of way (in a good or bad way!) about this fic, pls leave feedback!

word count: 13.3k

tags: college au!, confusing love, y/n who can't get her life together, self-destructive mc x perfect donghyun with a sprinkle of best boy dongmin, so many good friends and so many lessons to be learned

warnings: explicit detail of sex (oral, foreplay, angry sex, unprotected sex...) underage drinking, and general college shenanigans! also heavy detailing of unhealthy relationships with stress, and academic pressures :(

playlist: nouvelle vague - wave to earth, fairy of shampoo - dosii, she - jannabi, 0310 - yerin baek

THERE WERE LOTS OF THINGS THAT YOU KNEW NOT TO DO.

don't leave the gas on, don't let sanghyeok lee cook anything, and don't get into pointless arguments with dongmin han that he gets overly competitive about winning.

"...which is why you've got to trust me when i say that mbti is a science that you can actually trust!"

"i don't know, min, i just think mbti is stupid. it's a pseudoscience at best, and that too is a complete overstatement," you say off-handedly, more preoccupied with finding the book you needed to write your essay on. dongmin scoffs, pressing a steepled hand to his chest in offense as he pulls down the book you were look for with the other.

"that sounds like something an intj would say," he counters, withholding the book from you. you stare at him unimpressed, arms folded over your chest.

"it sounds like something a logical person would say," you retort, waiting for him to relent and return your book. this behavior (much to your dismay) was nothing new and you knew your best friend well enough to just wait out his tantrums for you to be able to move on with your life.

dongmin looks at you expectantly and you sigh, hanging your head. "alright, alright, i'm not a logical person; i've just got a stick up my ass. are you happy now?"

your best friend harrumphs proudly and touches the book to both of your shoulders, as though he were knighting you. you roll your eyes and snatch the book from him, hugging it close to your chest for fear that he might steal it from you again.

"maybe if you actually had a stick up your ass once in a while, you wouldn't be such a killjoy all the time," dongmin snorts, narrowly dodging you when you wind up to smack him with the book (read: weapon) in your hand.

"alright so now since i haven't had sex in a while, i'm a killjoy?" you say as the both of you make your way back to the study room that you'd reserved in hopes that you'd actually get some work done today. although, you should've been wise enough to give up on such nonsensical ideas the moment dongmin texted/warned you that he would be gracing you with his presence.

"i still can't believe you won't tell me who you had sex with last. and besides, i don't think you're a killjoy," dongmin clarifies, opening the door for you to walk through. "but everyone else does."

"because i'm voluntarily celibate?"

"because you never go out anymore! you used to be so much fun, y/n. you used to be the girl that would have crazy stories from when she would party until five in the morning. the one who'd have boy after boy lining up in front of her door just to see if they would get a chance with you. not to mention the fact that you used be able to drink us all to shame. i still think you're an awesome and fun person without doing any of those things but i miss you sometimes, you know? i just can't help but wonder where that girl went and that's why everyone else can't understand why a person like you and i can be best friends when they see us now. because they don't know what you used to be like."

you sigh, tucking your hood over your shoulder as you begin to analyze the work in front of you.

"i didn't go anywhere, min and you know that. i don't care what other people think as long as my best friend knows the truth. and besides, that lifestyle was never going to be a sustainable one. i just decided that i wanted more out of life than just parties and bad grades," you explain patiently, eyes never leaving the neatly organized papers in front of you.

dongmin huffs and leans backwards into the booth, but he knows it's the truth. while he'd become friends with you because of your rambunctious and adventurous spirit back in freshman year, he'd chosen to remain best friends with you even later on because you were a good person - an ambitious person who wanted to make something out of their life.

"you can have both, you know," he mumbles and you smile gently at him before looking back down at your book.

"i know. you can have both because you were smart and made sure your grades never slipped. i didn't do that and now i'm paying the price," you remind him, and you can sense dongmin's protest about your self-deprecating statement bubbling up but he's interrupted when the study room door opens and a series of people begin to file in.

"hey, so sorry to have to kick you out but we have the room reser - wait. dongmin? what are you doing in a study room, man?" one of the men who'd walked in says.

you don't pay attention to the people walking in as you begin to gather your materials, leaving the socializing to your much more extroverted best friend. you check your watch, cursing under your breath when you realize that you'd spent too much time looking for the book and dongmin’s antics. you were supposed to switch from this study room to the one next door, because that one was available for a long period of time but only opened up right as the current one was going to be occupied.

"eh, i just came to bother y/n," dongmin says with a bored tone that everyone in the room knows is a front. "what are you guys doing here? don't you have a musty basement to throw a rager in?"

this leads all of the men and women who walked in to snicker, pointing at the poor soul who'd decided to take it up with dongmin today.

"you're basically in the frat too," the man protests and you finally register him to be jeongwoo park, one of dongmin's heaps of friends in the tsr frat.

"yeah but you have to pay to drink your own alcohol with your own dues," dongmin points out, snickering at jeongwoo. "i drink your alcohol for free."

"i say we ban this kid from our parties," another voice, hyunwoo kim pipes up, and a chorus of 'yeah's' and 'shut up jeongwoo' rise up simultaneously from both sides of the conversation. you fail to keep in your giggle as you watch dongmin get banned from the tsr frat in realtime (that you know he's going to charm his way out of somehow anyway), causing some of the people to turn their attention to you.

"y/n! how are you babe? it feels like it's been a century since we've last seen you!" one of the girls, jihyo han, says warmly and you give her a shy smile.

"i'm doing alright. swamped with projects," you say, lifting your arms up to showcase the number of books and papers you were balancing and doyeon coos sympathetically.

"that's what double majoring in english literature and architecture does to you but the woman doesn't listen to me," dongmin says, jostling you jestfully. you turn to chide him for pushing you when you accidentally lose grip of all of your work, causing it to tumble to the ground in what feels like slow-motion into heaps of unorganized messes.

"dongmin!" you hear hyunwoo scold as you swoop down to gather everything into your arms once more. another figure joins you on the ground, scooping papers into a neat stack with nimble fingers and strong arms. you look up to make eye contact with donghyun kim, immediately averting your eyes when you do, afraid of what he might find in them if he kept looking at you for too long.

"thanks," you mumble when donghyun hands you the papers he's collected and he just offers you a soft smile.

"it does feel like it's been a while since we've seen you around, y/n. even sanghyeok complains that he hasn't seen you at their place lately," donghyun says gently and you're left to shrug helplessly as you adjust to grasp at the stray pages more carefully.

"ah. yeah. i haven't really gone over to dongmin and sanghyeok's place lately because i've been in the library most of the time," you say and donghyun nods, silent as he watches you with that knowing gaze that sets your every nerve on fire.

sometimes, you wonder if donghyun knows how much of an impact he has on those around him just by the way he looks at them.

you don't have feelings for donghyun - at least no feelings worth discussing with anyone and none that you were ever willing to recall - but you're sure that pretty any one with a pair of eyes and a functioning heart could acknowledge just how attractive he was.

you were almost 99.99% sure that even if what had happened between you and donghyun hadn't happened, anyone's heart would skip at least once when they talked to him.

"i'm gonna go to the other study room," you announce hurriedly to no one in particular and dongmin takes it as his cue to bid his friends farewell as the two of you make your way to the study room.

"feel free to come to our room if it gets too loud or crowded in here!" dongmin yells over his shoulder, much to your dismay and to the chagrin of the librarian sitting at her desk a few yards away.

"sorry!" he exclaims, equally as loud, and the librarian just rolls her eyes with a forgiving smirk tugging at her lips. of course dongmin had managed to charm her too. you'd be surprised if your best friend left anyone with two legs and a heartbeat on this campus without at least an attempt to get into their pants.

or vice versa. mostly vice versa.

"oh that reminds me. sanghyeok asked me if you wanted to come to movie night this friday. you've skipped out on the last three because of work and exams but you're finally gonna be submitting all the big ones by this thursday so i don't want to hear any excuses on why you can't come to movie night. alright? alright. besides, all of the guys from our - your freshman year are gonna be there. and also, sanghyeok is gonna bring his girlfriend too so you won't be the only girl," dongmin says, his words firing out of his mouth in rapid succession.

you just nod in understanding, knowing that this shouldn't be the hill that you died on when it came to dongmin's antics.

"and i also may or may not have promised that you'd come to jaehyun's party on saturday," dongmin adds sheepishly and this finally catches your attention.

"movie night is one thing but a party is another thing, dongmin! is it a frat party or a clubbing type event? how long is the event? do you need me to send a present for him or something? isn't it his birthday soon?" you interrogate and dongmin just throws a pencil at you and puts his index finger to his lips to shush you.

"woman, do you ever shut up?" he sasses, immediately raising his hands in surrender when your eyebrows lift so high, they disappear into your hairline. "what i mean is, jaehyun said that he would give me the number of that cute girl from your structural design class that you won't give me if you come to his party."

"how does he know her? and what does that have to do with my attendance at his party?" you ask and dongmin shrugs, leaning over the table.

"it's jaehyun. he knows everything about everyone," dongmin reminds you and you have to concede to that. "and i'm not kidding when i say that people miss you y/n. you're still that fun person when you're away from your work and people haven't seen that side of you in so long. you've gotta oblige jaehyun on his birthday, don't you think?"

"...i'll think about it," you say with a sigh after a few beats of contemplation. "as long it's not a 'rager in a musty basement' like jeongwoo's parties."

dongmin lifts three fingers solemnly. "scout's honor. it's not going to be a rager in a musty basement. now please. finish your work! i'm hungry and sanghyeok promised ramen from the ramen bar."

+++

to dongmin's credit, the movie night was actually a breath of fresh air from your constant cycle of work, school, and stress. sanghyeok's girlfriend, jayoon sim, was the sweetest girl you'd ever met in your life, back when you'd met her at the beginning of the year. she was very similar to sanghyeok in the fact that she was outgoing and on the louder side but it was heartwarming to see sanghyeok start to mellow out to balance her spark.

it wasn't as though sanghyeok was toning down his personality for her - if anything, the two of them were even more chaotic together - but he seemed to like riding the backseat of the conversation more often as jayoon went on some tangent or another of the plot of the movie.

which led to lots of moments where the movie was paused by one of the five boys present at movie night (more often than not, it was sungho park, who was more intrigued by jayoon's tangents than the movie itself) and lots of popcorn being eaten in those breaks.

and that was how you found yourself standing in sanghyeok's kitchen, popping another bag of popcorn - the fourth bag in the past hour. sanghyeok had offered but you knew from personal experience that sanghyeok plus any form of cooking equals fire.

you personally thought it was a talent to be that talentless at cooking but dongmin, sanghyeok's roommate and the unfortunate soul who had to put out said fires, was not nearly as amused as you were.

"do you need any help?" you hear a voice ask behind you. you turn to make eye contact with donghyun, standing in the space that separated the kitchen from the foyer where you could faintly hear jaehyun myung and dongmin get into yet another argument about the logistics of whether or not batman could feasibly buy the mona lisa.

"it's just popping a bag of popcorn," you answer. donghyun laughs, taking another step forward into the kitchen.

"and yet sanghyeok manages to destroy the bag and the popcorn every single time," donghyun reminds you and you shrug, slipping your phone into your pocket.

"it's hard to do. you have to give him that," you admit and he laughs again, shaking his head.

"touché."

there's a blanket of silence that falls over the conversation, the argument in the other room providing background noise so it doesn't grow awkward.

you knew donghyun wasn't much of a talker but at this point, you just didn't know what to say to him anymore. he wasn't a stranger to you - he was close to dongmin, and prior to that, you had been pretty close to the five boys. they'd been the boys that you'd gone out with most of the time during the second half of freshman year and the beginning of sophomore year.

donghyun had seen you in a number of embarrassing situations; granted, most of them were while you were blackout drunk, but the number of times that you were in asaid state during the first half of your college education was embarrassing enough.

and he'd seen you...he'd seen all of you. he'd seen too much of yourself and it made you want to stuff yourself deep underground so you could escape his knowing gaze.

so while donghyun kim was no stranger to you, this new version of you was a stranger to him.

it was an odd feeling: having the knowledge of a shared past that neither of you could fully relate to any longer, and having mentalities that extended in distinctly different directions in the present.

donghyun was the prime example of being able to have it all. from what you knew about him from the past three years of tentatively close friendship, you knew that he was a strong academic who would skip out on a party here and there to make sure he could study the next morning but could be convinced into having a good time pretty much anywhere.

you've heard of a good many adventures from dongmin just this year about how the five of them had found themselves in abandoned malls or parties at the college neighboring yours, which was infamous for its ability to throw a rager for pretty much any reason.

if anything, the strongest feeling that you felt towards donghyun kim was sheer, unadulterated, pure jealousy. how could one person be so well-balanced while it felt like you were fighting an uphill battle everyday just to get everything done?

that jealousy was what had landed you in the situation you were in now: filled to the brim with stress and ready to pop at any moment. it was also that envy which had led to that mistake at the beginning of sophomore year between you and donghyun.

"y/n? are you okay?" donghyun asks, waving a hand in front of your face. you blink, turning belatedly to open the microwave door, only to see that donghyun had already done it for you.

"sorry. i spaced out for a second," you mumble, and busy yourself by searching for a new bowl, seeing as the one in the foyer was still somewhat filled with popcorn.

"you really need to take breaks more often, y/n. i feel like the stress of constantly being on the go is getting you," donghyun echoes from behind you and for some reason, the concern in his voice makes you ashamed and angry more than anything else.

easy for you to say donghyun, you want to say. everything comes easy to you. you didn't fuck up like i did. you don't have to fight everyday to make sure that you actually have a future worth living for because you weren't young and stupid.

but all you actually say is, "yeah, you're definitely right."

you avoid donghyun's heavy gaze as you pour the popcorn into the bowl, silently willing him to go back to the foyer so you could simmer in your embarrassment in peace but to your dismay, he doesn't leave.

"you're incredibly intelligent and hard-working. but if you don't give yourself a break sometimes, you're just going to burn out. i wish you'd come back to us sometimes. you can't ruin your present for your future," he says softly, and suddenly everything is just too much.

his words strike a chord in your mind somewhere and you can feel your strong front start to crumble.

you want to yell at him, scream that he had no right to tell you how to live your life and that you were going to lay in the pile of sins that you'd committed. but for some reason, all you can do is try and fight back tears.

it makes you feel so incredibly embarrassed that you'd worked so hard for the past two years to ensure that you'd never slip up. that your mistakes from freshman year and the first half of sophomore year wouldn't catch up to you.

you'd worked on yourself, working on controlling your lust for going out and having fun. on not getting affected by when people would ask you to come out with them, only to reject them for fear of what would happen to your academics. you'd worked on not showing any signs of being tired or scared of your future.

just to cry. just to cry here in front of donghyun in sanghyeok's kitchen. not in the privacy of your home where no one could see you. but the exact place in front of the exact person that you didn't want to see you cry at all.

you hastily wipe at your tears, willing them to stay in the confinement of your eyes before you could let them fall in a place that would deliver such a blow to your ego or your social standing.

donghyun is taken aback, you can tell by the way that his usually impassive face has a hint of worry written into the lines of his forehead that crinkle as he watches you try to put yourself together.

"can you give this popcorn to the others? i just need to use the restroom really quickly," you whisper hoarsely, not daring to look at donghyun in the eyes as you rush out of the kitchen, trying your best to look alright and conceal the fact that you were crying in front of the five other people in the foyer.

you know you're unsuccessful though when you hear footsteps growing louder and louder as they approached the bathroom and it takes every ounce of your strength to keep from crying harder.

"y/n? you okay? you looked kinda hurried going into the bathroom." it's dongmin, and you contemplate for a moment before slowly opening the bathroom door, pulling him in and he immediately wraps you into a hug as soon as he sees your tear-streaked face.

"i'm okay. i just really need a hug right now," you manage to warble out, and dongmin's arms just get tighter around your shoulders. you try to come down, steadying your breathing as you try to keep fresh tears from falling down your cheeks when a knock sounds at the door.

"it's me," donghyun says and you want to curse him out. you want to tell him to leave you alone. that you didn't want to talk to him and that you wanted him to stop judging you and your choices. instead, you lean over, breaking away from dongmin, to click open the bathroom door.

"i'm so sorry," he says softly and you shake your head, giving him a mirthless smile.

"i've just been super high-tension for the past couple of days with all of the submissions and i just - i just kinda fell apart. sorry you had to see that."

donghyun steps forward, and dongmin steps back, letting go of where his arm was resting on your shoulder.

"i didn't mean to make you feel bad, y/n. i was just worried about you. i know what it's like to feel that kind of pressure and i just hated to see one of my...friends in that level of stress," he continues, glancing at dongmin when he says the word friend, and dongmin steps around you in the tiny bathroom to reach the door.

"i'm gonna leave you two alone. don't do anything i would do," he warns with a stupid grin and despite the situation, you find yourself laughing, threatening to throw the toothpaste at him.

"he's so dumb," you say under your breath and donghyun watches you carefully.

"he's a good friend," he remarks and you nod, pulling at the toilet paper to wipe your tears away.

"he's the best friend i could ever ask for," you agree and donghyun's expression doesn't change but his demeanor grows a little more hesitant.

"we all thought you guys were gonna start dating, you know. i mean, he's the one person who stuck by you through everything," he confesses and you immediately shake your head, the very thought of it making you want to gag.

"dongmin and i? no way. he's my best friend but i could never see him as my boyfriend. we're more like siblings than any sort of romantic relation; i'd fax his soul directly to satan if he asked me for my fries but i'd give my kidney to him," you explain and donghyun relaxes a bit, leaning against the wall behind him as he watches you clean yourself up.

"he hasn't talked to you about how much stress you're putting on yourself?"

"i'm doing fine, donghyun. i really do appreciate that you have my best interests in mind but dongmin's the one who's been there for every single step i've made. if he doesn't think that there's an extreme cause for concern, no offense, but i really don't see why you do."

donghyun has nothing to say to that, and although he probably should, he doesn't feel hurt at all. you were right. donghyun knew you as an outsider, compared to dongmin and even sanghyeok, and didn't know how much stress (or lack thereof) there really was in your life.

but he couldn't explain why he was so worried or why he missed your old troublemaking tendencies so much. or why he missed your strange ideas of a good time or unnecessary dialogues during movie nights. he couldn't explain why he missed the heat of your body on cold nights or why he replayed that fateful night in his mind over and over again.

this was the first movie night that you'd been to in a while from donghyun's knowledge but what did he know? he was only at this movie night because dongmin invited the old freshman/sophomore year gang to start their friday movie nights tradition once more instead of them just being sanghyeok, you, and dongmin.

so when you slip past him, not only does donghyun find himself at a loss for words, but he also finds himself more confused than he had been before your conversation.

at least he could figure it (whatever it was) at jaehyun's party tomorrow.

+++

the one redeeming factor of your attendance of jaehyun's party in exchange for dongmin's sexcapades, in your opinion, was that it was not in fact hosted in a musty basement.

jaehyun had taken it upon himself to host his party in the penthouse of his apartment (rich people had the strangest ways of spending their money), which was definitely a step up from what you were expected.

unfortunately, the sheer number of people in that party who were present, on top of the number of people who were surprised at your presence was more than a little bit overwhelming.

you'd forgotten just how loud these parties got, and if you weren't already over the legal drinking age, you'd be extremely worried about being caught dead near this many drunk people.

not that you hadn't done your fair share of illegal consumption of ethanol but that was something you chose not to dwell upon.

"Y/N! I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH SINCE YESTERDAY!" you hear someone scream over the obnoxiously loud music, and immediately, your vision goes black as jaehyun bearhugs you, clearly too drunk to be fully present in the situation at hand.

"jaehyun! happy birthday!" you manage to squeak out, hitting dongmin in the arm to pry jaehyun off of you. you'd convinced dongmin to stick with you the whole time during the party in exchange for you actually showing up and he'd declared that he'd serve as your bodyguard during jaehyun's party for times like these.

"alright bud, i don't think she's ever gonna come back to a party if you squeeze her to death," dongmin warns jaehyun, peeling the energetic boy off of you. jaehyun pouts, not looking unlike his dog (the cutest golden retriever named juno) as he shakes his head stubbornly.

"no! she has to come back! she's so much fun! she's the life of the party!" he exclaims, searching through the throng of people for a cup of whatever nasty concoction you were sure sungho had come up with.

you should've known better than to come to this party, you lament. any of jaehyun's parties always turned into ragers from the absolutely insane number of people that he knew.

but soon enough, jaehyun is shoving a cup into your hand, the suspicious liquid in it sloshing around dangerously as he teeters backward into a tall figure.

"careful, dude. you don't want to end up in the emergency room on your birthday again," the figure says, catching jaehyun's body in his arm.

you internally groan. donghyun.

"ugh no. i hated going to the emergency room last year for my birthday," jaehyun whines with a strong tone of sheer pout staining his words.

"that's what i thought. where's sungho?" donghyun asks, and you figure that sungho must've been put on jaehyun duty for the night, as the man was a total lightweight and was known for endangering himself more than anyone else whenever he had a single drop of alcohol in his system.

"sungho! OH MY GOD SUNGHO!" jaehyun yells, slipping out of donghyun's grasp in search of his more than likely tired friend.

"that guy needs a girlfriend," dongmin sighs and you roll your eyes.

"why? so some poor girl can get tasked with dealing with jaehyun's mess every time he gets drunk?"

"nah. every time jaehyun gets a girlfriend, he turns into such a clean drunk it's crazy. i think he subconsciously feels bad that his girlfriend has to take care of him so he does it on purpose," donghyun explains and you hum, examining the substance in your cup with a critical eye.

you never knew that jaehyun had had a girlfriend. or more than one girlfriend at that. you were pretty close with jaehyun once upon a time. why hadn't he told you when he started dating someone? had you really become that out of touch with your friends?

all because you decided that you didn't want to party anymore?

no. that wasn't it. your friends weren't people like that. it was probably because you declined every single invitation that they'd extended to you to hang out with them.

a guilty weight settles in your chest as you start thinking about just how many times your friends had invited you to do things with them over the past year and a half. in the moment, you'd always had something that you needed to do. something to submit, something to do for extra credit, something to do to get better grades.

but now that you looked back on the past year and a half, you could only remember the events they'd invited you to, and just a handful of truly important assignments you'd needed to submit.

"you don't need to drink that," donghyun says, extending his hand for you to deposit the drink into. dongmin looks between you and donghyun, confused by the sudden offer. donghyun never went black knight for anyone else - much less women he wasn't all that close to.

even when you were a well integrated member of their friend group, you had never been particularly close to donghyun, from what dongmin remembered. the two of you were close enough to embark on drunken adventures separate from the group maybe once or twice but definitely not close enough to mention those adventures to dongmin in explicit detail.

not close enough for donghyun to drink a drink for you.

it's clear that you think the same thing (for different reason, however) when you lift the cup to your lips, staring at donghyun straight in the eyes as you tip your head back, drinking all of the contents of the cup in one straight go.

donghyun smirks, watching you drink the whole cup, aware that you were proving a point to him.

you don't need to keep trying to worry for me. i can handle myself.

the message is clear in your eyes as you lock eyes with him, wiping the excess liquid on your lips with the back of your hand, the challenge explicit in the way you look at him.

"too much pride is no good for you," donghyun quips and you roll your eyes.

"it's not pride. i just know that i can handle my alcohol. i don't need you to worry about me or worry about whether i can or not," you retort. "you worry about me when i study too much. you worry about me when i party. when are you not worried about me donghyun? why are you even so worried in the first place?"

"because we used to be good friends," donghyun counters but his argument isn't all that strong, by the way his voice wavers when you step a step too close to him - so close that he can smell the cinnamon of your perfume.

"were we? we were friends, sure. but were we good friends, donghyun? we just went out together. we hung out with the group but we weren't all that close. not...not until... not close enough for you to be suddenly popping back into my life with advice that i don't need and i didn't ask for!" you can't help but raise your voice, searching blindly for dongmin's arm and dragging him with you, chest heaving in anger as you storm away from donghyun.

"what the hell?" dongmin is left to ponder. "has the alcohol already kicked in?"

+++

"don't talk to me right now," you seethed, pushing at donghyun's chest as you walked faster towards the rest of your friends, somewhere further up the street, laughing and shoving each other.

"i don't even know what i did!" donghyun exclaimed, using those stupidly long legs so that he was walking backwards, face to face with you. "why are you so fucking mad at me?"

"you seriously don't know?" you yelled, and you saw dongmin turn around to see what was taking the two of you so long, unaware of the bomb he'd dropped, but he's turned back around just as fast by sungho, who had an extremely drunk jaehyun on his back and clearly needed dongmin's help carrying their lightweight friend who was a heavyweight in body weight when drunk.

"i seriously don't know!" donghyun repeated, his arms flying up to show you how frustrated he was. of course he didn't know. there was no way that he could know just how upset you were with his perfection. of course dongmin had to mention that donghyun had a 4.0 gpa. of course he could come out every night with you and your friends and still maintain that gpa.

of course he didn't have to worry about whether he would even get a job in the future because he'd failed a class or two. of course he could go out every night. of course he could drink his weight in alcohol and still function the next day. of course he could get any girl he wanted just by looking at them for a second too long.

"i hate you," you whispered, almost as if the words had escaped the dark recesses of your mind against your own will.

"what?" donghyun asked incredulously, swooping down to catch the noxious words falling from your painted lips.

"i said, i hate you." your eyes were fierce, shining with a dangerous light that donghyun had never expected from you and had never seen before. you looked like the picture of peril, a knife poised at his throat, threatening to draw blood.

it was an emotion that was so raw that donghyun found himself leaning even closer, absolutely intoxicated by the reckless way that you refuse to hide the challenge in your eyes.

"are you guys coming or what?" sanghyeok call out from where the rest of your friends were, some ten yards ahead of you. donghyun waved him off, his stare never leaving yours.

"we're going back to my place. i've gotta show y/n something," donghyun yelled back and you can't help the sneer that draws upon your lips and if donghyun weren't beyond turned on, he was sure that he would find it a little concerning.

it wasn't everyday, after all, that one of your good friends mentions that she despises you. especially not a good friend that you found incredibly attractive.

the rest of them turned back around, leaving you and donghyun to simmer in this strange energy. competition, charged with something else much more primal - anger and lust.

the entire walk to donghyun's place is silent. it was just a five minute walk from where you'd split from your friends but those five minutes feel excruciating as you feel a dark sense of excitement sit deep in your core, making you feel split in two directions.

the first direction was much more logical: you were jealous of donghyun's ability to handle it all and you wanted to just yell at him and scream until your throat went hoarse.

the second direction was stronger and much less logical: you were incredibly drawn to donghyun and you wanted him to fuck your throat until it went hoarse.

same end goal, but different ways of pursuit.

the second direction ends up winning out when you found yourself pressed up against donghyun's door the second you step out of the elevator and into his studio apartment, donghyun walking you backwards so that you shut the door with the movement.

his lips stayed tantalizingly close to yours as he reached up to lock the door, his hand falling down so that it was cupping your cheek and his eyes search yours, looking for any sign of discomfort.

"look, are you going to fuck me or not?" you whispered harshly and he barks out a laugh, his other hand moving from where it was resting by his side to caress your waist.

"you've got so much anger in you, y/n. what did i do for you to hate me so much?"

"does it matter? i'm telling you to fuck me. either i leave without a heart to heart and you can jerk yourself off or i leave without a heart to heart but you cum inside a pussy tonight instead of your hand," you bit back.

donghyun's breath was shallow as he assessed you, making sure that you were in the right mind and could make decisions for yourself. if you really knew what you were asking for.

the thought of it pissed you off.

"i just don't know if this is a good idea," he admitted and you straightened up, hand reaching next to you to turn the doorknob. you didn't need someone who was going to be so apprehensive. so now you weren't even good enough to fuck?

"i'm leaving then," you said donghyun's hand immediately covered your own, pulling it back and over his shoulder so that one of your hands was resting at the nape of his neck.

you circled the other one to link your arms around his neck, forcing him to bend even further so that he was eye level with you now, lips so close that he can practically taste the flavor of your lip gloss.

"do you want me to leave donghyun? do you think this a bad idea?" you asked, purposefully letting the venom of all of your emotions drip into your voice. you're being unfair, you knew that, but it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter when he was so close and yet so far from you and you couldn't even think straight.

"fuck you." his voice ghosted over your lips, and the two of you stayed like that for a moment, equally proud and unwilling to be the one to give in and kiss in the other.

but donghyun's patience clearly wasn’t as strong as your ego when his lips pressed against yours, too gentle for your taste. you wrapped your arms a little tighter around him, letting him rest his hands low on your back, still too careful.

"i said i hated you and this is the best retaliation you've got?" you whispered, and it's like a switch turns on in donghyun's brain. his hands leave their position on your back to cup your cheeks harshly, tilting your head up so he could kiss you deeper.

you sigh against his lips, a smirk tugging at your own as you finally achieve the level of animosity you were looking for. you didn't want to have sex with donghyun. you didn't want to make love with him.

you wanted to be fucked. ruined. unable to think straight.

which was why you let him kiss you stupid, your lips swollen from the force of his own. it was as though the two of you were inseparable; his hands roamed your body freely, claiming every square inch of it for himself.

he tugged you forward harshly, lips never detaching from yours, hands reaching lower and lower until they finally settled on your ass, and you couldn't help the shallow gasp that left your mouth when he squeezed experimentally, a cocky grin melting into your kiss when he hears the soft noise.

he turned the two of you so that you were walking backwards as donghyun walked you into his bedroom, finally pulling away when your knees buckled as they hit the bed, making you fall backwards onto it.

he didn't even give you a moment to think as his lips descended on you once more, even more insistent and rough than before as he let you slip his leather jacket off his body.

his lips left yours, descending further down your body until they reached the hem of your strapless top, leaving wet kisses and blooming bruises in a heady rush.

"y/n, you have to tell me if you want me to stop." donghyun's voice came out strained and you knew that he was exercising every bit of self control to keep from fucking you stupid.

unfortunately, that was exactly what you wanted from him.

"donghyun. i'm not going to say it again. fuck me stupid."

that was all he needed before he was practically ripping at your top, pulling it off of you harshly before diving in to suck hickeys down your chest, unbuttoning your jeans at the same time.

he tugged them off in one motion, leaving you in nothing but a bandeau bra and your underwear.

"thought you were gonna get lucky tonight?" he asked with an eyebrow raised as he looked at your panties - which were fortunately, and unfortunately, the sexiest ones that you owned. lacy and thin and everything.

"yeah. thought i was gonna finally fuck sunghoon park again. that man knows how to fuck a girl into the headboard," you retorted and you could tell that you'd gotten under your skin by the way that he reached forward to pull at the strap of your panties, letting the elastic snap against your waist with a painful sting.

"you're such a little brat. you need someone to fuck that attitude out of you. didn't know you had such a fucking dirty mouth on you," donghyun growls, and you would've come up with some equally as brutal response when donghyun pulled his shirt over his head with one hand.

you'd seen donghyun shirtless before. multiple times, honestly, with the number of times dongmin tries to pull you guys into random bodies of water whenever he got drunk. but seeing him in that moment felt like your blood was made of lava that was coursing through your body, rushing to settle in your core.

"you're so pretty but you're so bitchy sometimes, you know that?" donghyun taunted, hovering over you so that his gold necklace hit the bridge of his nose as he leaned over, pushing you up the bed so that your head hit the pillows.

"heard someone was gonna fuck the attitude out of me?"

donghyun smiled a wolfish smile, and pulled your underwear down, almost painfully slow as he watched you squirm, clearly unhappy with his pace.

he threw them behind him somewhere that you knew you were going to have to search for in the morning but it didn't matter in that moment.

no. all that mattered was that donghyun's lips were on your core, licking an experimental stripe, grinning proudly when he saw you shiver. he dove back in, enthused by the groans leaving your lips.

his lips were unrelenting, his tongue darting out to dip into your pussy, leaving you at his mercy. your hands reached out to tug on donghyun's hair insistently, incredibly overwhelmed by just how good he was making you feel.

"fuck. pull harder," he groaned, his hot breath fanning over your pussy, causing goosebumps to run up your spine.

you giggle, a sound that sounds out of place in such a situation, but you didn't care and obliged, pulling on his hair even harder. he groaned, leaning in to eat you out with even more vigor, his hands on your clit and rubbing at it in just the right motion. you'd laugh at his conflict if you weren't otherwise preoccupied with the hot ball of pleasure growing in your core.

donghyun watched you carefully as he pulled away, instead replacing his tongue with just one finger, waiting to see if you'd show any signs of discomfort. when you didn't, he moved his finger in and out slowly, adding another when he noticed you started to get impatient with his ministrations.

"trust me, there's nothing i want to do more than to fuck you dumb. but i can't do that if i can't be convinced that i'm not to break you in half with my cock," he whispered.

"i don't think you're big enough for that," you snarked back and donghyun just offered you a shit-eating grin and added another finger, watching for any sign that you might tap out. holy fuck. was he actually that fucking big?

he picked up the pace, fucking you faster and rougher, his fingers slipping out for just a moment as he adjusted himself so that he was laying next to you before continuing again at an even more brutal pace.

"fuck!" you can't help but yelp, one of your hands finding one of donghyun's, as his fingers move at almost mind-numbing speeds.

"i told you someone needed to fuck the attitude out of you. now look what you've done to yourself," he crowed almost condescendingly. if you weren't so blinded by the sheer pleasure of his fingers, you'd probably cuss him out.

"fuck, fuck, fuck! fuck donghyun i think i'm gonna cum!" you cried out.donghyun simply nodded at you, and you took that as a sign to cum. but just as you start to feel yourself topple over the edge of the cliff you were standing on into the pit of pleasure, donghyun rips your pleasure away from you.

he pulled his fingers out of your pussy, watching you squirm and convulse as your hips bucked pathetically, searching for some way to taste the pleasure you were so close to attaining.

"baby doll, you should've known better than to assume that i'd let you cum for the first time on my fingers rather than my cock," donghyun preened mockingly, kicking his own jeans off in the same motion as his briefs.

"fuck you, donghyun." it was all you managed to conjure up through your tears as you tried to catch your breath, only to have to wind knocked out of you once more when you caught sight of donghyun's cock.

"oh hell no, that's not going inside my pussy," you gasped, and donghyun smiled despite himself, and ran his fingers over your hair gently.

"it's big but that's why i prepped you so much, isn't it?" his tone makes it clear that there's no real question in his words. you were the one who'd said you wanted to be fucked stupid. donghyun was the one to make good on that wish.

"just go slow," you grumbled and donghyun nodded, lining up at your entrance carefully.

"can't promise that i'll go slow for too long - fuck!" donghyun cut himself off as he slipped the tip of his dick into your hot core and immediately, both of you let out a groan.

if just his tip was enough to make you feel a stretch after he ate you out and fingered you, you had no idea how you were going to fit the rest of him inside you.

if just the entrance of your pussy was enough to have donghyun's head spinning, he had no idea how he was going to fit the rest of him inside you without immediately coming.

he slid in slowly, forearms resting on either side of your face for stability, that stupid gold chain smacking you in the face with his every slight movement.

it would feel degrading if you weren't turned on beyond belief, you were pretty sure.

"god," you let out softly and donghyun couldn't help but agree as he sheathed himself completely inside you. if donghyun would be allowed to see the pearly gates of heaven, he was vaguely sure that it would feel a lot like this.

"tell me when i can move," he grit out, exercising his self-control to the fullest he's ever had to.

"you can move," you whimpered, equally close to losing your mind.

he pulled out so that just the tip was in your pussy before snapping his hips forward, knocking the breath out of you with the motion. he continued that agonizingly slow  until both of you got fed up, and finally picked up the pace.

"your pussy is perfect, you know that?" he growled, fucking into you with fluid and quick motions that make you feel as though you've established permanent residence on cloud nine.

"you're not too bad yourself," you huffed out and a short breath leaves donghyun as his movements grow harsher.

"clearly i'm not doing a good job of fucking you stupid if you can respond to me," he said.

he made good on his promise that night, fucking into you deep and rough until you both came in a symphony of moans, chests heaving as he collapsed next to you, utterly spent.

maybe if you'd said something other than what you did in that moment, things wouldn't have turned out this way. but the reality was that it was those words that ultimately dug you into your grave.

you finally spoke some ten minutes later, when your brain wasn't so fuzzy you didn't know where to pick words from.

"i wish you weren't so fucking perfect, donghyun. i just can't...just forget this happened. please. it's not like we're going to get into a relationship because of this. and i don't want to face our friends right now. so just forget any of this happened."

you'd gathered your clothes and dashed out of his apartment, the buzz from earlier in the night completely gone, along with any chance of donghyun ever figuring out why from that day onwards, you'd started completely avoiding your friends and your past, running towards a future you so desperately wanted to grasp, even if you didn't know how to.

and as he fell back against his sheets, facing the ceiling, donghyun realized just one thing: something in you had changed. but was it for the better or for the worse?

+++

dongmin lets out a low whistle, followed by a crinkle of his nose.

"you could've let out the explicit details, you know," he bemoans, pressing his hands over his ears, as though he could reverse time and delete the story you'd revealed to him from his mind by doing so.

"you said you wanted to the whole truth on why i was being so bitchy to dongmin," you point out and dongmin inclines his head towards you, pulling his knees a little closer to his chest.

"you were kinda unnecessarily bitchy, though, you have to admit. but what i really asked was why donghyun decided to go all black knight on you, to which i still haven't received a proper explanation.," dongmin corrects and you shrug, accepting the packet of gummy bears that dongmin had produced from his back pocket.

in freshman year, you'd become infamous for chasing your shots of vodka (the only alcohol you chose to drink, other than whiskey) with candy and ever since then, at least one of your friends would always carry a packet of some sort of sweet candy on them for you.

"you brought gummy bears for me?" you ask, touched as you rip the packet open, the perfect level of fuzziness buzzing through your head.

"sungho brought gummy bears for you," dongmin says softly and you look at him surprisedly. "when i told him you were coming to jaehyun's party, he told me that he needed to be prepared. they all miss hanging out with you and going out with you, you know."

"they miss hanging out with who i used to be. i don't think that they'd want to hang out with me now," you snort and dongmin immediately slaps your knee, shaking his head.

"you've gotta stop doing that."

"doing what?"

"doing the whole 'woe is me' act when you just grew up. we all grew up, y/n. maybe you haven't seen it because you've been so busy in your own world, trying to make up for the past but we've all grown up right besides you," dongmin rants, getting up from where he was sitting on your balcony, starting to pace back and forth.

"when you pulled away from us, you know how confused we all were? it was like one day, you were laughing and making jokes with us and the next day, you suddenly hated us. you stopped coming to our hangouts, stopped initiating plans, fuck, you didn't even come to sungho's birthday last year!

"we thought that we did something to piss you off. we interrogated donghyun for weeks but he was just as confused as the rest of us. and then i realized just how lonely you were by yourself. you think i didn't notice how you'd watch us hangout in the library without you? about how you left that stupid neck pillow for sanghyeok when you saw him staying up late studying? or when you paid for jaehyun's coffee when you knew he was having a bad day?

"i was the only one who saw all that. so when everyone asked me when i didn't drop you like you dropped us, i didn't know how to explain that you didn't drop us, but you were just going the wrong way about chasing after your future. i didn't want to out you and make you feel as though you needed to stop taking care of everyone behind their backs because i still wanted you to be with us.

"we all cared about you so much. that's why i've been here the whole time. i've been the only one in front of you but the same way that you've been taking care of everyone else, everyone has been taking care of you. who do you think lends me his car whenever i need to come to your place because you're having a bad day and need a shoulder to cry on? sanghyeok. who always keeps the pantry stocked with your favorite snacks in case you might come around one day? sungho.

"who always points out clothing whenever we go shopping and says 'y/n would love this shirt!', just to get upset when he realized you weren't there to respond? jaehyun. who would always nudge me to go and check on you because he was worried that you were putting too much stress on yourself? donghyun. even jihyo and jayoon ask about you and keep asking us if maybe you'd come over more often since there were more girls hanging out with us now.

"i'm not telling you all this because i want you to feel bad. i just needed to tell you because we've all been caring about you this whole time but you've just never let us in, when we've been knocking at the door, just waiting for you to finally open the door. and you just won't because you're so scared of coming back to us!" his chest is heaving at the end of his rant and you can't help it, leaping to your feet as you let your voice grow louder and louder, scratchy with emotion.

"i am scared dongmin! i'm so fucking scared, i can't even think straight! i miss all of you so much and i'm so scared that i'll fall into the trap of loving you all so much that that's all i spend my time doing and i'll neglect all of the hard work i've been putting in for so long to reverse the mistakes of my past!" you scream and dongmin steps even closer, clearly not backing down from this fight.

"and what kind of future are you going to have when you turn around and see that we've all moved on without you? i can't fucking move on without you because you're like my sister; i can't imagine a life without you but what about everyone else? how long do you think everyone's gonna be waiting for you?"

"i didn't ask them to wait for me!" you shout and dongmin runs his hand through his hair frustratedly, turning so that you wouldn't see the anger on his face.

"BUT THEY DID! THEY ALL DID! they all waited for you because they - we all love you, you stubborn piece of shit! all you had to do was tell us you were feeling this way! all you had to fucking do was talk to us and ask for help. but you pushed us away when you needed us most and now look!" dongmin points at the empty space around you, forcing himself to overlook your watery eyes. "look at who's here besides me? you know jaehyun would've wrapped you in a hug, that sungho would've immediately offered to study with you. that sanghyeok would've stayed up with you, even if he didn't need to. that i would sneak food into the library with you! that donghyun would literally sit down and tutor you if you needed him to."

he swallows when you finally break down, sobs wracking your body as your fists clench into balls at your sides, stubbornly refusing to take the one step you would need to for dongmin to wrap you into a safe hug, like the ones that jaehyun always gave you.

but it's okay, because dongmin takes that step for you, wrapping you in a tight hug that makes you finally feel like you can take a breath through the tears that feel like are choking you from inside out.

"i just wanted to be good enough for all of you. i wanted to come back when i was good enough and i thought i could be someone everyone wanted to be around if i was good enough," you sob and dongmin can feel his heart break as his embrace grows tighter.

"you're good enough the way that you are, y/n. you know how much you've inspired everyone? i've even started studying for tests the day before the test, instead of the hour before!" dongmin exclaims, feeling a little more relaxed when he hears you laugh through your sobs.

"that's not much better," you warble and dongmin just shrugs, never letting go of you.

"it's better than the hour before the test."

"dongmin? for the record, i don't think that i'm the only one who grew up. i know that everyone grew up. i just..."

"i know."

"i wish you were my actual brother."

"if i was your actual brother, i probably would've spit on you by now."

"what the hell."

+++

you wait nervously in dongmin's room as you hear people begin to file into the apartment, a jumble of familiar voices as jihyo and jaehyun begin bickering once again about something or another.

it was just a matter of time before the two of them started dating, you figured.

dongmin was betting on three weeks and you were betting on three months. something about the slow-burn of it all was appealing to you. dongmin insisted that fanfiction was just rotting your brain.

you let out a breath of air and dongmin flicks you on the side of your head, and you fix him with a mean glare as you rub the spot that he'd hit.

"they're just your friends, y/n. you don't need to be that nervous. you've been looking forward to this all week," he reminds you and you just nod, still rubbing the spot.

after the emotional conversation/argument with dongmin last week, you'd asked to come to the next movie night, wanting to start spending more time with your friends. and although you knew that it wouldn't be the exact same as it once was, it would never be and that was a good thing.

balance was a good thing.

"dongmin? where are you, motherfucker? i can't believe you made me buy you three different types of sour gummies, fatass!" you hear sanghyeok yell from the other room and dongmin takes this as his cue to drag you into the room with him.

"i only wanted one type. y/n wanted the other two. still wanna call me a fatass?"

dongmin doesn't get an answer to his question because no sooner has he said the words do jihyo and jaehyun bound over to you (not looking too much unlike juno) and wrapping you into nearly bone-crushing hugs.

"dongmin told us that you were going to be more available to hang out with us more and more and these two - " sungho cuts himself off to grab jaehyun by the scruff and jihyo by the collar of her shirt. " - have been a little too excited since he said so."

"we've missed you so much!" jihyo exclaims.

"you saw her last week," jaehyun mutters, groaning when jihyo smacks him upside the head.

"so did you but that didn't stop you either, now did it?"

"you're such a little bi - "

"alright. let's stop while we're ahead and just be happy that y/n's back with us, how about that?" dongmin proposes, the voice of reason for once in his life. jihyo and jaehyun exchange a dirty look (albeit, a very childish one) before the two of them sit down, leaving just you and dongmin standing awkwardly, as though you were about to give a presentation.

"uh. thanks for having me back guys. i kinda don't know what to say other than the fact that i'm sorry for leaving so abruptly. i struggled with hanging out with you guys and balancing a good gpa on top of that so i made some really stupid choices but i promise that i won't hide those stupid choices from you guys anymore. i just - i've just really missed you guys." your little speech clearly moves more than one person to tears but before jaehyun can try to deliver death by hug once more, sanghyeok claps his hands, pulling up some streaming platform or another on the television.

"thanks for that touching speech, y/n. now if you could get the fuck out of the way, we need to vote on a movie. your vote only counts as half a vote since you've missed more than two movie nights but you're welcome to rally for full membership after attendance of two more movie nights," sanghyeok announces and you roll your eyes, before looking for a spot.

dongmin's caught up in some conversation about that girl from your class with jayoon (undoubtedly doing some background research; as if he could find out anything that would make him actually keep it in his pants) and everyone else's spot is taken, leaving just an empty space next to donghyun.

i'm a big girl. i don't need to sit next to dongmin for everything. donghyun is still your friend at the end of the day. that you fucked. and was the last time that you had sex. and was also the best sex you'd ever had. but just a friend! haha. just a friend.

not the best dialogue to be running through one's mind during their re-debut into civil society (read: friend group) but you manage to divert your mind before it delves into dangerous territory.

"we're still friends," donghyun murmurs from beside you and you turn, despite your common sense telling you otherwise, to see him looking at you with the most genuine and twinkly eyes that you have to swallow and force yourself to turn once more to face the television set.

"yeah. friends," you repeat, softer than he'd said it and you can feel his stupidly sweet gaze on the side of your face.

+++

spending more time with your friends was nothing like how you thought it would be. for starters, it turned out that your friends themselves didn't have too much time to use as expendable time to just fuck around, like you used to in freshman year.

as juniors and seniors, most of your friends were occupied with their classes and their work, as opposed to the lighter coursework in earlier years. on top of that, many of them were either in relationships or were pursuing someone (or many someones, in dongmin's case) so there was more time eaten up by that as well.

but the time that all of you did spend together was much more domestic. equally as chaotic, as you'd discovered when you'd gone grocery shopping with just jaehyun and jihyo and no adult supervision from sungho (who'd trusted you to be the adult supervision), but less shenanigans than before.

instead of finding street signs to steal off the road to stash in dorm rooms, the friendship that had developed between your friends had gotten much more real, and there were more nights that you can count where at least one of you was staying up late to finish something so the rest of you were stuck helping them.

even staying up late to finish projects was more comforting with the presence of your friends, though, and you were so grateful that you'd come back to them. that they'd accepted you with open arms.

you'd had conversations with each of them one on one at some point or another, detailing why you'd left them so abruptly and asking for forgiveness but more often than not, you'd just gotten scolded for ever thinking that they wouldn't give you a chance to explain yourself.

"you were such a good friend to us for so long," sanghyeok had said. "you don't think we would just drop you when you're going through a rough patch, right?"

of course, that had led to another round of tears (which jayoon witnessed and went ham on sanghyeok for making you cry, which made you cry even harder because god, what country had sanghyeok saved for such an amazing girlfriend) but that was besides the point.

in fact, you'd made amends with pretty much everyone except for donghyun. you could see him waiting for you - waiting for you to reach out to him and explain yourself like you'd done so with everyone else, but for some reason, you just couldn't.

partly out of guilt, but also partly out of shame. you just couldn't help but avoid him.

it was easy to do so when it was all of you, since you could always rely on dongmin and sanghyeok to keep your attention otherwise occupied. but when it was just the two of you, after everyone has left the library to do things other than study for their innumerable tests, you can always feel the apology bubbling in your chest, threatening to break free.

but it never does. it never does and you know you're going to regret it.

you didn't have romantic feelings for donghyun, no. but he was someone that you could develop romantic feelings for and someone like that didn't deserve to think that you just hated him for no reason. because just going off of what had happened last year, donghyun really had no reason to think that you felt any emotion towards him other than hatred. and your actions prior to making amends with your friends didn't do much to dissuade that thought either.

which is why you didn't understand why he was still treating you with so much kindness. you were fairly sure that he wasn't head over heels in love with you or anything (especially since he's also had a good many girlfriends ever since your encounter) but you also couldn't come up with any other reason for his understanding.

he'd been the first one out of everyone to come and actually talk to you, four months ago in that study room, even at the risk of you pushing him away once more. he was the one that was most likely to be pushed away and he still looked after you, cared for you, and worried for you.

"you don't have feelings for me, do you?" you blurt out, immediately slapping a palm over your own mouth. donghyun looks up from the tablet his taking notes on with furrowed eyebrows.

"what?" he asks incredulously and you furiously shake your head, looking rather comical with your hand still covering your mouth.

"nothing. forget i said anything." you wince as you look back down at your book, ensuring that the references lined up with direct quotations as you mentally bash yourself. stupid, stupid, stupid. so you won't say that you're sorry but you'll do this? just be grateful no one else is here to see this catastrophe.

"i don't have feelings for you," he clarifies and you nod, unable to meet his eyes. of course he didn't have feelings for you. that would be so dumb. when you didn't have feelings for him, why should he have feelings for you? right?

so why did your heart just feel the tiniest bit tight in your chest?

"i don't have feelings for you but i used to search for you in every single party. even before we...we did whatever we did that night. i used to always look for you first. and i always used feel so happy just looking at you smile," he says. you look up, confused by his statement now. donghyun's looking right at you with those horribly confusing, glittery eyes and you feel your breath catch in your throat for a split second.

"what?"

"i said i don't have feelings for you. but when you pulled away from all of us, i just couldn't help but think if i did something wrong. if i did something to push you away. and i realized that i would rather have you hate me, i would rather have you push me away every time i come close, or even use me to vent your stress however you need rather than have you walk away once and for all," he continues and you feel that same tightness in your chest as he speaks, heat rising up your spine as it sits uncomfortably in your cheeks.

"i just wish you'd stayed that night. i could've convinced you to tell me all your fears and all your worries and i could've just gotten rid of them for you instead of you holding onto them for so long in your own mind," he finishes and you sit there in silence, unable to piece together any thoughts.

"so, uh, you don't have any feelings for me?" you confirm and donghyun rolls his eyes, and for just a split-second you see the dangerous glint that you remember from that night.

"you're an english lit major and you can't tell that i'm telling you that i have feelings for you?" donghyun teases and you just stare at him dumbly.

"i thought you said that you didn't have feelings?"

"and you said that you hated me."

"i don't hate you."

"i know."

and that's all the confirmation you need to spring forward from your seat, pressing a kiss to donghyun's lips. just as soft and as perfect as you'd remembered.

he reaches forward to cup your cheek, molding his lips against yours gently as you try to pour every single emotion you can into a single kiss.

"i don't hate you," you whisper, leaning your forehead against his, still standing up somewhat awkwardly due to the desk in between the two of you.

"i know," he repeats. "and i know that you don't feel the same way as i do. not as strongly as i do, at least. and i just want you to know that i'll wait."

"you'll wait for me?" you assure and donghyun nods, his hand reaching up to pat your head gently.

"i'll wait for you to take me back as a friend first and then we can figure out the rest."

"what if i'm never ready to put a label on our relationship?"

"then i'll just be here with you. i don't need a label for my feelings."

+++

it's not perfect. for all his perfection, donghyun kim had heaps of flaws. he was surprisingly 'needy' and felt anxious when you weren't with him for extended periods of time.

and when jaehyun, sanghyeok, and sungho graduated, you realized that it extended to far more than just you. for someone so stoic and poised, it turned out that donghyun was extremely soft-hearted and could care for nothing more than to have his loved ones around him for as long as he could hold onto them for.

it proved to be a little difficult, given that after your departure from your friend group, you'd gotten used to a certain level of independence and affinity for your own personal space that donghyun just didn't understand sometimes. but the two of you worked on it, because you loved each other even as just friends too much to not work on it.

there'd been points where you were sure that the two of you would just have to be friends and move on with life because of how hard it all was. you could never let go of donghyun fully; all of you were just too great of friends to ever be able to keep out of each other's lives completely.

but all's well that ends well, and you and donghyun learned to work through those issues. your affinity for running away when things got rough and donghyun's tendency to latch on harder every time you guys faced an issue was something that took months of serious discussion and communication to get through.

dongmin was the mediator more than once whenever the two of you got into arguments (you exploding at donghyun and donghyun just sitting quietly, making you even more upset before the two of you calmed down and worked things out) and it helped to have him around.

the one good thing was that your relationship, however imperfect it was, spurred dongmin to start to settle down and look for a girlfriend himself.

much to your happiness, and dongmin's chagrin, there weren't many girls on campus willing to date someone with such a reputation but that just meant that dongmin put in more effort to convince them that he was a changed man.

it was a good look on him, you'd told donghyun one day. dongmin suited having someone in his life that he had to work to please and someone who liked him regardless of his clumsy attempts at love and cared for him fully.

the three (four, when dongmin met his girlfriend) of you stuck together throughout the rest of college. there were still uncountable numbers of allnighters trying to make sure that you were maintaining your grades but it turns out, you could balance both having fun and being academically strong.

you could spend time with your friends and your boyfriend without having to worry about whether you'd be able to secure a job after college because of your gpa. it was nice, not feeling like there was a huge demon breathing down your neck every time you needed to sit down and study.

it'd taken you a long time to get there, but like all good things, with the help of your loved ones and with some self-work, you developed a healthy relationship with studying and a work-life balance.

oh! and you did end up getting a job. your dream job. right out of college. everyone had been so proud, just like you knew they'd be.

and just like that, years had passed by in the blink of an eye.

the five of you made it a point to reunite at least twice a year, since most of you were in the same country (other than sanghyeok and jayoon, who'd relocated back to south korea to take care of their parents after they got married). even five to six years later, when all of you were reaching the end of your twenties and entering the next phase of life, nothing changed.

"JAEHYUN MYUNG, IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME BACK THE TV REMOTE!" jihyo screams from downstairs, and you hear loud footsteps as jaehyun undoubtedly keeps the remote withheld from her.

"i can't believe they're the parents to two children," you snort, blowing on your nails to dry them quicker.

"i can. all that fighting energy has to go somewhere," donghyun retorts and you roll your eyes. he had a point.

"you've got a point. we've been on vacation for three days and they're already in their fourth argument. well. i guess it's just flirting to them," you contemplate, extending your hand to examine your handiwork.

"you thought that fighting was flirting back in college too," donghyun reminds you and you shake your head, looking at donghyun. and just like usual, he's already looking at you, head tucked into his fist as he lies on the bed that the two of you had slept in together for the past five years (vacation was hosted by your family this year).

"it clearly worked on you," you fire back and donghyun smiles a giddy smile.

"you're my weakness. anything you give me works on me," he says in a lovestruck voice and the laugh that escapes you is a real, full-bellied one.

"god. you're such a dork; i love you so much," you sigh, getting up and walking over to where he's lying, climbing onto the bed to wrap your arms around him.

"yeah? wanna channel our energy into making a few babies?" he teases with a greasy tone of voice and squiggly eyebrows.

"you're incorrigible."

"you love it."

"i love it," you agree, leaning forward to press a sweet kiss to his lips. you'd liked the darker sides of donghyun and there would always be a side of you that got giddy whenever you saw that side of him.

but you'd always love this more. soft, reassuring, and unconditional love. from him to you and you to him. neither of you needed perfection. you just needed each other. husband and wife. you didn't need those labels, and you'd believed donghyun when he said that he didn't need them for his love either. but it was nice, having everyone know that you had each other for life.

"ARE YOU WHORES COMING OR NOT? WE'RE GONNA START WATCHING WITHOUT YOU!" dongmin yells from downstairs, and you can vaguely hear his fiancée slapping him on the chest and knowing her, she was definitely telling him to shut up and let the two of you make her a niece or nephew.

you laugh, grabbing your husband's hand and leading him downstairs to plop down next to your friends. someone shoves a bucket of popcorn into your arms and you realize how grateful you were for all of the people in your life.

and how glad you were that you'd decided to forge a new path for yourself with your loved ones and with your newfound confidence in yourself.

love and life are always easier with friends and family, after all.

[psychopomp-namine]

the thing about xiaochen is that li tianchen wishes they're doing the "childhood friends to.... something" trope (whatever that "something" means; idk if li tianchen would go far enough to presume they'd be together long-term, in whatever sense you want to interpret that as, but like, he wouldn't be opposed either, is the thing). but liu xiao thinks they're doing the "king and loyal guard dog" trope and there's a high likelihood he does not see the two of them as childhood friends. and I think li tianchen knows this. which is what makes his side of things even more layered and interesting imo. he's like a little duckling imprinting on the first person that didn't make him feel shitty. it's a very low bar, but li tianchen was dealt with terrible cards, so [shrug emoji]

the thing too is like. I don't think li tianchen is unaware that liu xiao is using him or sees value in him for being useful, rather than for who he is. he just also doesn't care at this point, imo? maybe he also has a hard time seeing value in himself as a person, so in his eyes, liu xiao's pov makes sense

because li tianchen attaches his identity to being “a good brother” and without xixi. well. what is he then? he has no family, no friends, and all the adults in his life failed him. and in his eyes, when he finally asked for help (by giving the photo to lu guang, and then later kidnapping cheng xiaoshi lol) it didn't work out.

so of course when liu xiao calls him up and reaches out a hand, what else was li tianchen supposed to do?

it's like. look, maybe one day liu xiao is gonna ask him to jump off a cliff for him. do you think li tianchen would be surprised? 'cause I don't think so. I don't think he's naive about what they are. but he's gonna do it anyway because what else is he gonna do? "do I have other choices?" he's gonna do it because it's liu xiao who asked him. his "friend" who has always been "right" thus far

in a twisted way liu xiao hasn't “failed” him like everyone else has. li tianchen is a person who really needs to have a sense of power and control over his life and not even liu xiao is giving him that, but it sure is the closest thing because nobody else is gonna offer him anything

interestingly, I think the only other person we've seen him call a "friend" was cheng xiaoshi, whenever he references them having little "games" built on "trust" which. in hindsight. is hilarious because that's a very liu xiao way of speaking lol

anyway, totally headcanon territory, but my ideal S3 dynamic for them is if they both know liu xiao is only pretending to give li tianchen control but liu xiao is really the one who holds all the cards. and maybe that's fine. li tianchen wants to "feel" in control but maybe not actually, because he actually thrives in chaos and being out of control imo. insert prometheus lyrics here, or something. whenever li tianchen tries to take control of his life it kinda spirals. so like. this partnership works out for both of them. also li tianchen is totally a guard dog kinda character and without xixi, well. he might as well put that energy into liu xiao now. something something he's still an older brother to liu xiao who is the estranged younger sibling of the liu family, even though their power dynamic is actually flipped. it's like playing house; it's all pretend, but it makes li tianchen feel good about himself, and maybe that in itself is worth it. maybe, to him, it's the best he can ask for now. and also he still obviously looks up to liu xiao so it's not like this is a hardship for him

they're kinda messed up but I hope they get messier in S3 lol. we still really haven't gotten much of liu xiao's inner thoughts so I would love to see what he actually thinks of li tianchen in S3. something something "those lost in the darkness are my friends"

like does he even like tianchen as a friend? does he see himself as saving him, or using him?

when he reached out his bare hand, perhaps knowing that li tianchen can possess him if he wants to (a direct contrast to how qian jin always wore gloves), was it a calculated move on liu xiao's part to garner li tianchen's trust? will there ever be a time that he'll trust li tianchen genuinely, when there's nothing else for him to fall back on? what is on your mind, liu xiao...

[withlove-xixi]

Hi xixi, I saw your post about the vanilla prompt for kinktober, and honestly, I was thinking maybe Chilchuck could be okay? Just a suggestion obviously, you don't have to do it

But I feel like I need something nice and gentle with the one guy everyone writes like he'd degrade you all the time in bed. I personally don't see him that way so I thought it could work. But it's all up to you! Love your writing xixi! >3<

— THE ESSENCE OF LOVE: chilchuck x reader

KINKTOBER DAY THRITY-ONE: VANILLA ᥫ cw: nsfw, praise, established relationship ᥫ wc: 1124 ★ ask and ye shall receive anon! sighs dreamily ... chilchuck my gentleman, my loverboy ... i hope this is how you pictured it to go! mightve .. gotten carried away (never let me write anything romantic, never let me write anything ever tbh) cross posted on ao3 — MINORS DNI! —

— SOMETHING ABOUT YOU DROVE CHILCHUCK INSANE

[♡]: at the end of each day, the end of every bad day at work, every unsuccessful dungeon crawl, every slightly inconvenient moment, chilchuck knows it will all be alright in the end because he always comes back to home.

CHILCHUCK WAS THE KIND OF GUY who didn’t ask for much. He loved in his own awkward, quiet sort of way. No surprise birthday parties, no spontaneous dates, no grand declarations of love; he loved you in the language of notes in the kitchen telling you he’d be gone for a few days, in the language of kissing your forehead every time he woke up in the middle of the night, in the language of gingerly caressing your nape when you kissed.

For what it’s worth, it’s sweet. Definitely not quite the romance you had read about in your silly novels of princes and knights and damsels in towers and wuthering heights, but it was definitely a romance that warmed your heart.

You knew Chilchuck was a man of privacy, somethings in his past that changed the way he loves now, the reason for small, apologetic bouquets of flowers when he made you worry, the reason for holding you so tightly when you two slept, the reason for sheepishly whispering a small “I love you” in public. You never pressed him much about it, though you had definitely met his family prior to properly accepting his awkward advances, and in all honesty, Chilchuck was grateful for it.

Really, he was grateful for you.

As the kind of guy who doesn’t ask for much, you sure gave him more than enough. He was always greeted with a hot meal and a warm bath, always embraced with gentle arms wrapping around his waist, always showered with a tender “how was your day?” or “I got you your favorite ale”. Chilchuck felt lucky— more than that, he felt loved. So very cared for, so very loved. 

Something about you warmed his heart, filled his chest to the brim with this fuzzy feeling that made him feel like a love-stricken teen again or some love sick puppy. Whatever it was, it was something he looked forward to; the sweet, sweet slice of domestic heaven that is to be wrapped in your arms in sound slumber. You made his stomach twist in knots, made butterflies flutter around in his gut, made his cheeks and ears turn bright pink at a simple kiss or even just a smile. The mere thought of you has his lips curling upward, a smile that comes with the bubbling excitement of seeing you again, and one that’s definitely gotten some teasing remarks from his coworkers.

As a man who didn’t ask for much and received more than he could ever even imagine asking for, he tried his best to give it all back to you.

“That’s it, darling,” his voice was so soft and tender it was almost fragile. His touch was just as fragile, ghosting over the skin of your cheek as he slowly pushed himself inside of you.

You whimper at the feeling, the noise quickly shushed by Chilchuck as he delicately presses his lips against yours. You feel his fingers gingerly roam your body, moving from caressing your cheek and making its way down to your hip, where he firmly holds onto it, rubbing circles against your skin with his thumb. He’s taking his time with you tonight, not to say he’s usually particularly rough with you, because most nights you both consider yourselves lucky if Chilchuck wasn’t too exhausted to try something romantic with you. So it was nice to have this moment of intimacy with how busy things usually are, a steady slow dance of wet kisses and gentle touches to the heavenly melody of quiet groans and breathy whimpers.

When Chilchuck bottoms out, he pulls away from the kiss, you both chasing for the breath you just lost. Your pants melt into soft whimpers, your eyes shutting and your head tilting backwards. Chilchuck rests his forehead against yours, his other hand coming to your cheek to stroke it soothingly while the hand on your hip twitches slightly.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers, almost against your lips, like it’s some prayer he’s uttering to a god.

You feel your face heat up, something about Chilchuck is so vulnerable right now, something so soft and tender, so pure it felt forbidden to indulge in it. Still you lifted your head to capture his lips once more, still he slowly and steadily moved his hips. Your moans are muffled by his mouth, by his tongue pressing against yours. He draws closer to you, chests touching as you wrap your arms around his neck, the tips of your fingers brushing through the hairs at the base of his nape. Chilchuck groans into your lips as he drags his cock in and out of you in a pace that’s sweet, slow and patient, a means for you both to truly enjoy this moment of scarcity.

When you pull away from the kiss, gasping again like earlier, Chilchuck’s immediately back to whispering praise, his head falling next to yours as he lets sweet words spill from his lips into the shell of your ear.

“You’re so good, too good for me…” With how he says it, he sounds guilty in some sort of beautiful, romantic way. There’s no way he can truly repay you for your patience, your kindness, your love, so he does his best, in the sweet, little, awkward things he does for you. He repays you now by taking his time to make sure you feel good, to make sure he’s able to make love to you with you.

You moan his name, some sinful sounding song that makes him pick up his pace. Both hands find purchase on either hip, grounding him to the real world, to the feel of your tightness around his cock, the warmth of your breath against his skin, the sound of your voice in his ear. He sits up despite your whines, he sits up to selfishly take in the view; your face contorted in pleasure, brows furrowed and eyes half-lidded, almost misty, your hands that now grip tightly on the bed sheet beneath you, your chest rising and falling with each whine, each whimper, each cry of his name. Chilchuck lets out a strangled noise, some mix of a growl and a groan as he hunches forward. He lifts your hips, moving one of your legs over his shoulder to get a better angle. One you seem to like since you’re arching your back and moaning a bit louder. Chilchuck smiles, not some wicked, mischievous grin, but something loving and tender. He smiles warmly as you plea for him to go faster, to go a bit rougher.

As a man who didn’t usually ask for much, for his lover who asked just as little of him, he’d give you the world in a heartbeat.

[blackwaves]

link click fic recs

[ hi– compilation of fics that are rentfree in my head rn. limiting myself to one fic per writer for length, but as a rule i'd recommend much more by each writer if i did not have that restraint + would suggest searching out more by each writer on the list. bonus obligatory self-rec in form of: you can find either niche genfic or veinxiao/polyhouse crimes on my ao3 at lanternglass. crossposted on dreamwidth. ]

i take your hand in mine by jan

(li tianchen & qian jin; rated t; 0.9k)

summary: I could make you do anything, Tianchen thinks. I could take your hand here, now, and make you do anything.

notes: obsessed with literally anything by ao3 user jan thanks— mostly-genfic with impeccable characterization that sprawls across a variety of different characters in the cast and maintains their voices throughout it. this particular fic is a study of li tianchen and qian jin's canon relationship and has a fascinating interplay between them wrt power dynamics.

pay time's debt by yvesi

(li tianchen-centric; rated m; 5.0k)

summary: "Let's reconsider that, shall we?" Liu Xiao says, a gentle smile. "My friend. Let's reconsider everything."

notes: incredibly interesting and very comprehensive character study of tianchen that makes me literally vibrate. the dynamics between both tianchen & liu xiao and tianchen & tianxi & qian jin are fraught and complex in ways that fit with canon and are very well-executed; the grasp of each character as an individual is also excellent. it uses the form and structure in a way that makes me go !! as well.

blue and permanent by sunslants

(li tianxi-centric; rated g; 1.7k)

summary: Li Tianxi, at the opera.

notes: everything by this writer uses gorgeous, poetic language— this fic in particular is a single moment in time between qian jin & the twins pre-canon, and it executes it well as a lens to encapsulate the dynamic. it's written through li tianxi's pov and i think touches well on the ways in which she's so devastating to me.

blood and oil by Shadaras

(li tianchen & lu guang; rated t; 0.5k)

summary: Li Tianchen stared at Lu Guang in the flickering light of the subway tunnels. They were the only two people left alive. Bullet wounds dotted everyone else, and now the gun was out of bullets, and neither of them were well either but at least they were alive.

“You need to do it,” Li Tianchen said, holding on to the last thread of his sanity with both hands. Also his sister’s body, slowly growing cold in his arms, head resting on his shoulder like it so often had in life. “You must.”

notes: this fic is short enough that i normally would not place it on a reclist (and the writer has longer sgdlr fics i would also rec) but it's a favorite of mine forever— it takes an intriguing possibility wrt the time-travel and ltc's canon desire to use that power, and it plays very well with it. the last lines make me stop and stare each time.

a perfet slaugther of innocence by Lanster

(xiaochen; rated e; 0.8k)

summary: "Aren't you too old to be playing dress-up?" Liu Xiao asked with a note of a slight amusement, as he languidly leaned against the doorframe.

Li Tianchen took his eyes off of his own — Xixi's — reflection in the mirror and turned around to meet Liu Xiao's eyes instead. They stared at each other in heavy silence.

His mouth opened.

I just miss her, the words got stuck in his throat like a bone, digging into the soft walls of his esophagus.

notes: gorgeous writing in delightfully fucked-up liu xiao/li tianchen. sibling grief alongside the weird power dynamics between lx and ltc, as well as an exploration of ltc's canon dressing-up-as-xiaoxi and setting the twins being such a complicated dynamic next to the fact that liu xiao is sibling-issued in his own unique ways.

the seed of a gorgeous death by insideascarecrow

(li tianchen & liu xiao; rated t; 1.1k)

summary: a good hunter needs an important friend to tell them when the beast is about to swallow them whole.

and you can trust me, li tianchen. you are – you will be – a beautiful beast.

A guide to hunting, as narrated by one Liu Xiao.

notes: stylistically fascinating and intriguing; prose poetry-esque? character study that makes me go !! forever. it's as liu xiao addressing li tianchen, and the dynamic and the way it characterizes them both is so so good to me.

a contemplation by LadyCharity

(li tianchen-centric; rated g; 3.1k)

summary: The place where Li Tianchen hated most in his childhood home was the dinner table.

Or, to know your mother is to sit at her table.

notes: fascinating take on (1) food-as-love, (2) an alternate universe where the twins end up living with the photo studio trio post-s2. the writing is lovingly done, especially in the descriptions of the food, and it captures the internal conflict and the flinch away from kindness very well.

cross the line, be mine by streetlights

(shiguang; rated g; 7.1k)

summary: “I’m sorry. This isn’t fair, but I don’t know how I feel about you yet. I can’t make any promises. Can you wait for me?”

Cheng Xiaoshi throws him a languid smile. “Of course. Don’t you know? I’m pretty good at waiting for people.”

In the original timeline, Cheng Xiaoshi falls first. Many timelines later, he’s still waiting.

notes: shiguang + love confessions as a fic; i think it captures the way shiguang pine for each other and the impossibility (i.e. the certainty/solidity of that love as contrasted to lu guang's goal-of-saving-cxs rendering delivery upon it impossible) of it? excellently done pining/yearning in a way i think is well-fitting.

wanting it all by brekkerified (enhattps)

(shiguang; rated t; 1.1k)

summary: 7. Originally, Xia Fei squints between them and gives Lu Guang a look that he can’t parse. The same happens the second time, but there’s not much time to contemplate when they come face-to-face with Vein in mere hours.

8. Would trying to translate the sheer depth of everything that whirls through his head and heart into words back then, in the original timeline, have saved Cheng Xiaoshi at all?

A short, non-comprehensive list of things Lu Guang would like to do with Cheng Xiaoshi, if he weren’t actively trying and failing to save him from death’s jaws.

notes: makes me go !!! forever. feels very tender to read, and i think is a good picture of lu guang + yearning + the way it aches that he is time-looping to save cxs' life. the impossibility of breaching the gap between them feels very vivid in the fic, and the steadiness of the devotion between them underlays it.

play it ‘til the end and then reset by Moondal

(lu guang-centric; rated t; 1.1k)

summary: You are a hypocrite of the highest order. For Cheng Xiaoshi you break your own rules again and again, uncaring of the consequences of time and space, because you can’t even breathe at the very thought of him no longer being there.

He has to live. He must live.

So again and again you raise your hands and go back to the beginning. Because how can you do anything else?

-

Lu Guang’s self-imposed time loop.

notes: timeloop fic!! i think my favorite exploration of lu guang timelooping— this is a canon-compliant take on him having cxs die in his arms again and again, and repeatedly dive back in time. i think captures the desperate grief very well to me, the inherent selfishness of that refusal to let someone die.

can you see me this time? by aknightley

(shiguang; rated t; 9.4k)

summary: Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t think it’s a bad thing to trust your feelings.

Trust is all you have left, sometimes.

Lu Guang has never asked Cheng Xiaoshi to trust him, but he does.

Alternatively: Cheng Xiaoshi weighs his trust in Lu Guang against an increasing list of things that do not make sense.

notes: well-written and handles the inevitable confrontation re:lu guang's timelooping well (the way that lu guang steadies him, the way lu guang takes comfort in being able to tell him, all make me a little bit insane). handles the fact that the core of the bond between shiguang is trust well as well.

impermanence by FingerCracc

(shiguang; rated t; 7.0k)

summary: They're orange roses, six of them in a ring around a bit of baby’s breath, a piece of leather fern tucked in the back like an afterthought. Cheng Xiaoshi comes back from whatever errands he’d been running and sets the bouquet on the counter.

“What is this?” Lu Guang asks, eyeing the flowers.

“For you,” Cheng Xiaoshi says simply. .

Cheng Xiaoshi buys Lu Guang flowers. Lu Guang can't ignore whatever's between them anymore.

notes: the writing style is lovely, delicate kind of careful (would rec other works by the same user for similar reasons). the dynamic between shiguang feels steady and deliberate and i'm so, so fond of it, as well as the intimacy between them. the namesake theme of impermanence is well-delivered upon in lu guang's narration, and it feels fitting.

our bodies at the shoreline by velvet_ie 

(shiguang; rated m; 0.8k)

summary: —like this, Cheng Xiaoshi is obedient. He trusts in the safety Lu Guang provides, trusts Lu Guang to not burn him.

It’s almost too much trust.

notes: the writing feels incredibly soft/tender/intimate, and i'm so fond of it— i think it examines the trust that cheng xiaoshi puts in lu guang in a non-dive setting in a way that makes me so so. soft about shiguang.

you know how it is by honorarybimbo

(xia fei-centric; rated t; 2.2k)

summary: He cracks at the edges and occasionally unwinds at the seams. And there’s a dissatisfaction buried deep in the pits of his stomach that hollows him out from the inside, that collapses like a caving accident right above a pocket of air no one knew someone was stuck in. He’s pressed in a space the size of an artery deep within the earth, and can only breathe when he exhales.

Sure.

But that only if he isn’t fed.

notes: an exploration of xia fei and the hints of something sharper/meaner that we get out of him, via a canon-compliant (pre-bridon arc) moment in time of him switching into something colder to retaliate against another model. i'm fond of the writing style, and i'm fond of the ruthlessness of the xf voice.

soft smoke, sharpened teeth by bloomingsite

(xia fei-centric; rated m; 4.1k)

summary: Xia Fei once thought proper goodbyes were too sentimental: to linger was to give what they had too much focus and too much weight, so earnest he might trip up over the formalities. But he would give up just about anything to be sentimental now. That must be part of why he turns the key in the lock of the door and slips in, right as the sun sets, and it's like he's tumbled into a picture from the past. Nothing much has changed — Xia Fei's invaded Vein's place plenty of times and then been left to his own devices — the silence is the same. But knowing it's not, not truthfully, is a steady, painful revelation. In search of clues and comfort, a grieving, sleep deprived Xia Fei breaks into Vein's penthouse.

notes: xia fei grief fic that i love— the framing device wrt the flashbacks is fun to me, and i'm fond of the way the ache of the loss resonates through the writing. i think it's a fun exploration of xia fei left in the wreckage afterwards, trying to figure out what to do at the same time that he's falling apart from his own grief.

They All Fall Down by NbZo

(xia fei-centric; rated t; 28.4k; 6/? chapters)

summary: To uncover Vein’s mysterious death, Xia Fei investigates the Yingdu underworld, the disappearance of one Wang Qing, and the Bahati fire from his past he had long repressed from memory. However, other agents are at play, and it may make his mission impossible.

notes: reviving the ancient and half-forgotten art of plot-centric fics via something that you can solidly sink your teeth in; i'm so, so fond of this fic. i'm being flippant, but i genuinely adore fanfiction that puts so much of itself into the meat of logistical workings (the writer of this has an insanely long plotting/research document, notably to me) and which weaves a convoluted plot via it. there are so many fascinating theories in this, i think.

paifang by yuudoufu

(veinfei; rated t; 7.0k)

summary: “Felix, do you want to know how I became the leader of Chinatown?”

Xia Fei lolls his head over the back of the couch, bangs flipping over his forehead to reveal the Badtz-Maru themed bandaid Vein had stuck on him earlier. He silently gnaws at the lollipop in his mouth as he stares at Vein from upside down. For someone lounging in the maw of a beast, he always looks more relaxed here than he does in the studio, drunk or not. “Umm. Democracy?”

Vein barks out a laugh that comes out sharper and more genuine than he expects. Oh, sweet, naive Xia Fei. Kid’s smarter than he lets on, but not always when it comes to Vein. Then again, it’s partially this that makes him all so amusing. Vein bares his teeth into a large grin, tongue and incisors and all, and relishes in how Xia Fei stops chewing on the candy after a straight half hour to gawk. “With my teeth, sunshine.”

// or: life lessons with vein except they're not so applicable to college students whose biggest trouble is the lack of financial aid and applied physics exams

notes: engrave with my teeth, sunshine into the urn that will eventually hold my ashes, etc. the style of the writing is so unique (again, would rec the writer's works as a whole for that) and i think the vein pov + the characterization literally solved an equation in my head for how he works, it's excellent and i'm so fond of it and the character voices in it.

[manias-wordcount]

Perfect View (Spike Spiegel)

Kinktober 2024 Day Twenty-Two: Mirror Sex

𝙒𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚? ⇒ 𝙈𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩

𝙟𝙤𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙘𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙫𝙚𝙧?

𝙗𝙪𝙮 𝙢𝙚 𝙖 𝙘𝙤𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙚?

𝘀𝗽𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗳𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗹𝘂𝗯 𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁: @dogsandrocketsocks @pittbull-enthusiast @asuperconfusedgirl @rendartgrimson @abellaheart-blog @sachimz @roronoaism @skylardarling @24hour-xixi @spikesbunny @miiiraaazh

His favorite thing to do in the whole world is look at you.

When you’re just out walking. When you started to fall asleep with your head against his shoulder. When you’re playing with Ein. When you’re cooking with Jet. When you’re bonding with Ed and Faye. When you’re just being yourself. When you’re just being with him. Experiencing life. Experiencing a whole range of emotions. Because he gets to witness that too.

And he likes seeing you frustrated and whenever you start to pout. It’s sparking something inside him that just finds the way you look when you get riled up far too adorable for words. He likes glancing over at you when you’re thinking hard about something. Because that concentrated look you get on his face is something worth living for. He likes watching you when it’s obvious that you’re happy and excited. Because that light in your eyes is something worth dying for. But at the moment? He thinks his favorite few of you are the ones he’s looking at right now.

His favorite view of you is watching you struggle to keep your back arched and take his dick from behind all while he gets to watch your pretty little expression from the mirror he parked you in front of.

“You like that, sweetheart?” He mumbled just low enough for you to barely hear over the sound of skin slapping against skin. Right now, he has you lying on his bed on your stomach in front of a large, simply designed, and old-looking standing mirror that you managed to convince him to buy in a heat of the moment decision (on Faye no doubt had influenced you on). But he couldn’t say no to you. He didn’t want to say no to you. So the mirror came home with the two of you for a couple more woolongs than he would really like to pay. Though in exchange, you promised you would do something for him. Something that would make it all better. “Fuck…you feel so good…”

He had no idea that something would include him finding you lying in front of the mirror after he left it in his room with nothing but a pair of panties on you asked if you could make his night a little better for all his troubles. But he wasn’t complaining. He couldn’t complain. Not when the first thing he did before you could even stop speaking was take your panties and shove them in his pocket for later while he buried his face between your thighs. Though that was then. That was back when he thought the most perfect view of you involved looking up at your face while he still glance down at the boobs he desperately wanted to grab and at the clit he had his lips wrapped around. That was then. But now? Now it’s almost a hundred times better.

Now is perfect.

“Spike…” Your voice comes out in a pretty little whine as your pussy squeezes around him. It’s slick with a mixture of your wetness and his saliva from going to town on the best cunt he’s ever seen, so Spike’s cock is able to slide in nice and deep every single time. That means with every thrust, he gets to hear you gasp and moan so sweetly for him. It’s the most perfect sound for him. It mixes only too well with his own quiet grunts as he rolls his hips into your ass and fucks you prone style so hard that the bed is starting to shake. Fuck, he thinks he’s going crazy. He thinks you’re making him go crazy on purpose. Why else would you tempt him like this? Why else would you let him fuck you like this? So he could spoil himself? So he could spoil you? “Spike, it’s- it’s so much…!”

If that’s the case then he’ll spoil you all night if you’d let him. He’d spoil you all night long because he knows it means spoiling himself too.

“I know, I know…” He murmurs into your ear, but he never slows down with his thrusts. You’re getting a little oversensitive. Which means you’re starting to get close. So close that you can’t help but wiggle and squirm and whine a little louder as your hands reach out to grab at just about anything for leverage. If he were a kinder man, he’d probably focus on fucking you faster and deeper, and harder in a way that ensured that you’d have your orgasm as soon as you wanted it. But he wasn’t that kind of a man. He just can’t help himself when it comes to indulging with you. That’s why he’s so quick to shut you down just now as he sees your head start to turn to look at him- ruining his perfect view of your face as it twists up in pleasure for him and him alone. “No, no, no- keep looking forward for me. Wanna see my pretty girl get stretched around my cock”

He pushes your head back into place with his own head as he stares back into your eyes through the mirror. You hiccup back a sob of desperation, but you don’t try to turn around anymore. An action Spike decides to reward with another kiss to your neck as he buries his nose in your hair and he continues to hold your gaze with a heated look of his own. That’s coming as a struggle to you at this point, considering just how tight you’re starting to get for him. But you do at least attempt to hold his stare like a good girl, despite the from that your eyes are fluttering closed every so often and that the string of drool slipping from your parted lips is making your expression grow even more timid by the second. 

But to him, you just look even more perfect. To him, you’ve just become even more perfect. They’re all just signs that you’re enjoying yourself. They’re all just things that make this dumb purchase all the more perfect. They’re all just things that will make it harder for him to say no to you in the future. They’re all just things that add to his view.

So for now, he’ll keep dragging things out for as long as possible. He’ll keep holding you close and stuffing his cock into your nice, warm, wet walls and kiss all over your skin as you squeal and squirm and whine so sweetly for him. He’ll keep making you feel good. He’ll keep making himself feel good. And he’ll keep looking back into the mirror. The stupid mirror that cost way too much for all the stains on the glass and the chips in the paint around the frame. The stupid mirror he’s probably going to have to move into your room right after this. The stupid mirror he wouldn’t have looked twice at if it weren’t for you because you’re little tempting self, making it impossible for him to keep his eyes off of you for too long. He’ll keep looking back into that mirror. 

All while wondering what he did to deserve such a perfect view.

[theatrevelyan]

So since Map of Dreams is out it’s time to go batshit crazy with theorizing over music videos again.

Here’s some thoughts I had and/or things that jumped out to me while watching it.

- the designs are really cute, the song is really cute, I have no idea what the text on screen or the lyrics are saying because I don’t speak Chinese but this is such a vibe and I love it

- CXS in particular was super cute, especially at the end when he stumbled and LG came back for him 🥹 so cute, let’s not think about how that could be a metaphor for him dying and LG coming back in time to save him, yeah no they were just being cute right guys?🥹

- Xia Fei with his little crown omg too cute!!! Also he low-key seems to be having a thing for Qiao Ling? And her seemingly turning him down? I mean, again I have no idea what they are singing about, but all the cute pink hearts around him and their interactions in the MOD trailer seemed to hint at that?? I’d be so funny to see them actually interact in S3 in a silly dynamic like a one-sided crush like that lol. Let’s ignore how tragic they could spin it if they wanted to.

- LG looks really good in his mage fit! Also it’s interesting how LG and Liu Xiao are a mage and a wizard respectively! It’s a parallel yet with a slight nuance in their roles as mages, usually, are more instinctive magic users in stories while wizards have magic derived from their studies and understanding of the magic system. This make me think a lot! Like, is this hinting that LG while the more analytical of the trio is still going in blind when it comes to powers/time travel meanwhile LX has full understanding of how abilities work?? It would fit so well with LX being the big hidden mastermind and we do see LG winging it at times, not fully knowing what consequences will wait for them. I just find it really funny, though, that if I’m right, in LX’s eyes, extremely cautious and analytical LG is basically going “ah fuck it we ball!”

- Wait what about QL being a priest then? Priest in rpg usually get magic from a god… is Xixi the ‘god’ in this case? If she got her powers it might make sense

- And CXS being the chosen hero? Why? I mean he and LG are deuteragonists why is he the MC for this game? Is it because he’s the one that can actually go back in time? Am I reading too much into these classes for this fake rpg? Yeah probably

- Anyway, there is also the way LG and LX contrast each other’s palette wise: LG is predominantly in white and light blue while LX is in black and gray.

- Also, I never thought I’d say this, but thank you LX for bringing back Kitty Guang, Woof Xiaoshi and Bunny Ling, it was super cute

- Wait… are they collecting animal themed snacks? lol CXS is getting bones and QL is gathering carrots but I can’t make out what LG is getting? Also, THE KITY CLOUD!!! That’s too cute 🥹

- Dragon Vein is as cool as I thought he’d be.

- And we defeated the evil dragon by playing mahjong? I mean fitting given that Vein has ties with the mafia and gambling seems to be a thing in Bridon but I wonder if this has a deeper meaning. Mahjong is kinda complicated and I’ve never played it so I might be wrong but you win by pairing the titles together and scoring points, right? I’ve had this theory since S2, but I think that abilities come in pairs that complement each other, like the twins or our boys, so what if they win the game (saving CXS) by pairing the right abilities (the tiles) together. Just spitballing here but it’d be interesting to see!

- We are also definitely setting up QL vs XF, LG vs LX and CXS vs Vein. Maybe that’s why LG wasn’t able to to perma-kill Vein in Bridon, his match has always been LX, not Vein

Aaaaaaa I have so many thoughts, I can’t wait for S3!

[guangshi-091305]

Where do characters get their abilities from and how - Link Click Meta

Obviously, as I said, its meta, its based on the seasons, chibi series, the songs and their lyrics which means its not going to be 100% accurate BUT it may explain things

[LINK CLICK/SHIGUANG DAILI REN SPOILERS BELOW]

Cheng Xiaoshi said he saw some memories from Xixi's mom's POV... He was in Xixi's body... she was using her ability and her brother was using his... and they were holding each other and Xixi was also clutching the picture... so Cheng Xiaoshi saw from her POV for a bit AND red eyes controlled their mother to kill her husband that way

This leads me to believe that they manifest abilities when confronted with trauma, but with this piece of evidence, its clear its childhood trauma that gives them their ability. Examples from the show below the cut!

Red eyes/Li Tianchen: His lack of control and power when bad things are happening... He's so close... He can stop things... But he's powerless. So he manifests the ability to control those he touches.

Xixi/Li Tianxi: Most likely got her ability because she couldnt see from other's pov before and asked her mom to not divorce her dad... a childish wish considering she wasn't allowed to see the abuse happen before + that one photograph was a proof of people not seeing other's POVs because they arent there... hence her ability to use photographs to peer over people's shoulders and see and hear things the people in photographs are going through.

Cheng Xiaoshi: In his childhood, he couldnt accept his parents were dead. He WASNT accepting it point blank, getting aggressive and not even considering the idea. Qiao Ling got close to him by pretending they were coming back... and he never got over that. With his ability, he can go back in time, in people's bodies and change the past... most likely a result of his own traumatic issues of feeling powerless and wanting to change the past (remember he begged Lu Guang to let him save his mom at least... he wanted to so bad). He just needs photographs from before an event happened, evidence and a portal into that time and person's body and he CAN change the past because Lu Guang keeps telling him not to.

Which begs the question, what and how did Lu Guang suffer to have such an ability?

Who did you lose and how was it your fault, Lu Guang? Why do you have such a seer type of ability... Who failed you or who did you fail?

There's also the mention of stealing/transferring abilities when Red Eyes told Cheng Xiaoshi he wished to take away and experience his ability himself and the open-ended part where Xixi most likely transferred her memories along with her ability to Qiao Ling before she died...

There's also the question of whether abilities stay the same as when they manifested or develop further...

[yzy-dragon]

I absolutely ADORED S2E9 "Three Stories" of Link Click and was a bit surprised to see the discontent here on Tumblr, and I totally understand the reasons why people didn't like it, especially in the context of the pacing of the rest of S2 (which I also have some opinions on but I won't talk about that here), but I also felt the need to just get my heart out why I love it so much. A bit of background, I'm Chinese American but have lived in and visited China numerous times.

Music and theater. As a western classical musician and an amateur Chinese opera singer enthusiast (I saw someone else post about the possible inspo this episode got from Chinese opera), I VIBED with the artistic direction of this episode SO much. The three-part structure was almost like a sonata/symphony (and remember that one scene where Qian Jin was air-conducting in a previous episode!!) or scene changes in a Chinese opera. Nothing needs to be said about the animation style that hasn't been said already, but I like how scenes from the three individual "stories" were interwoven and reused like leitmotifs. Especially that crazy, tortured laughter. Idk if any of the parallels were intentional on the part of the director, but it's what I got from it due to my personal experiences. I know that's a highly subjective takeaway though, which brings me to my next point....

Qian Jin's "tragic" backstory. I know a lot of people were upset that the extent of Qian Jin's tragic backstory was "oh his wife cheated on him", but I think the "basicness" of his struggles was the whole point (by the way, this segment displayed various attitudes towards work, family, marriage, individual pride, and life in mainland China so subtly but so well!). I also don't think sympathy was the main thing we were supposed to feel for him, although of course there is some. The whole "tragicomedy" aspect of Qian Jin's story is that it's not some horrible, terrible, rare thing that happened to him, but a common problem faced by so many hardworking but busy married men trying to provide for their families: infidelity. But Qian Jin sees himself as the main character of an elaborate play that rivals the great dramatic classics (which, funnily enough, often depicted very DRAMATIZED versions of a rather basic series of events). And his viewpoint is validated when....

Qian Jin meets the twins. That segment is still largely from Qian Jin's perspective, because we still don't really know how LTC and LTX even feel about him. But for Qian Jin, it's a stroke of fate and fortune that could only possibly happen in theater. He's very far removed from reality at this point. Reality is that a cop whose job it is to investigate violent crime comes across two kids who are the victims of a violent crime. Again, nothing particularly special or even coincidential. It's comical like that.

The fairy tale section.  Unlike the first two, I think this segment is from Xixi’s perspective, which not only justifies the cartoony artstyle but also makes it heartbreaking, due to her childlike innocence.  Like Qian Jin, she also perceives her reality as something it’s not, but unlike him, she doesn’t have delusions of grandeur of being a tragic protagonist.  It’s just a little fox trying to survive in a forest full of predators and hunters.  

All that tortured laughter. I’ve actually noticed in a lot of Chinese media that they like to use laughter as a way of signifying a person’s complete mental breakdown due to the tragedies they’ve suffered.  It’s a very internal thing that has people on the outside going, “WTF?”  In this episode we have a lot of characters crazily laughing together at the same time and it seems like they’re relating to each other, but in reality they’re all trapped in their own nightmarish hells and motivated by selfish purposes. 

Back to the topic of Qian Jin, even though he (innaccurately) may see himself as the hero of his own story, it's not enough for him. He wants to use Cheng Xiaoshi to change the past. He wants to become the director of the play.

I know a lot of people were disappointed this episode didn't advance the plot, especially in regard to Cheng Xioashi and Lu Guang's storylines, but I was actually prepared for a backstory episode and couldn't have been more satisfied. Again, I have other opinions on the rest of S2 but at least standalone, I think this episode was nearly perfect. And I really wasn't expecting this, but it's really elevated Qian Jin to one of my top characters.

[masschase]

I wasn't sure I'd be able to do one of these as I think I only completed about 20(?) pieces of art last year. But after going across this blog and my main 2 sideblogs, @chase-the-music and @lifeonthemurdersim(18+) I did in fact draw at least one thing a month which I'm quite pleased with. I've used a mix of quicker doodles, full pieces and outfit references!

It's no surprise my work is quite OC heavy so I actually picked works that all feature OCs! Most are mine but I've also chosen to include the OCs of four people I absolutely could not have coped through 2024 without.

🧡 March features @whoredmode's Anteros 💛 September features @snail-eggs's Xixi 💙 October features @cptsadist's Jet 💜 November features @vermillionth's Aveline

So much love to all the friends I've made through this fandom, however! I've met some fantastic people both last year and the year before who I hope to keep in touch with! Also, a massive thank you to anyone and everyone who has supported my work in any way, I appreciate every single like, reblog, comment and kudos and message so much! 😊

It's been a pretty tough year for me personally so I've swung between too burnt out to do what I'd like to and taking tremendous solace in my creative work, and while I'm optimistic for a calmer 2025, I'm definitely going to keep improving, creating, and generally being abnormal about my favourites!

Stay alt, stay queer, STAY CRINGE and have a good year!

Chase xxx

[seo-changbinnies]

💛seo-changbinnies 11k follow forever 💛

hellooooo i was planning on doing a follow forever for when i reached 10k but i forgot lmao so ! doing it for 11k!

i cannot thank you all enough for making this hellsite not only livable but enjoyable. this fandom has been overwhelming kind and a complete joy to be a part of.

i'm not sure how you all put up with me but i am immensely and utterly grateful for all the friends i have made over the past 5 years

if i forgot anyone i am SO sorry

@baekwin - shaye!!! the only tumblr mutual i have met irl and i am HONORED it was you!! i had so much fun with you at the skz concert 2 years ago (cannot believe it was that long ago). thank you for being such an amazing friend, i hope we can meet up again sometime in the future!!!!!!!!

@chanstopher - dreamy!!!!! thank you for being one of my first skz (and multi) friends! i always think of wolfchannie when i think of u hehe. ily !!!

@chrisbangs - moon ,, ily. when i think of you i think of soft smiles and pretty nights. thank you for being so sweet to me when i first joined the fandom! <3

@exocean - mo my twin binnie bestie!!!!!!! thank you for somehow putting up with me adlkfasf i love you so much!! you always always always know how to make me smile and feel loved, i'm forever grateful to have met you and am looking forward to all the good things in store for both of our futures. i will be forever grateful for glazed donut binnie for bringing us together. MWAH MWAH

@hyunjinz - agnes! i'm sure you're probably tired of being called the backbone of tumblr but it's true!!! i know i can always go to your blog for the latest gifs. thank you for being such a wonderful source for the fandom and being so kind to everyone you interact with

@hyunpic - vilma by pc bounty hunter. ilysm you are the backbone of this fandom's humor. you are always so patient and kind with me and for that i will be forever grateful. we're just two clowns bopping each other on the head with a plastic hammer and i wouldn't have it any other way <333

@jinniebit - anna!!!!! thank you for all the beautiful moodboards you have made. i don't remember if i was ur secret santa or vice versa all those years ago but i am so grateful to have you as a friend!

@oraclegazes - kai my beloved, i'm not sure i need to even say anything bc you should already know how much ily and cherish your friendship, and if u don't then i need to be a better friend!!! thank you for sending me that ask all those years ago about boilersuit!bin it literally changed our lives for the better <3

@xiaoxiongmaos - xixi!! ik we haven't talked in a while but i always think of you!! thank you for being such a sweet, approachable friend. i hope you're doing well bb!!!

@yangjeongin - carly !! you're an absolute gem, you always make me smile and laugh!!!! thank you for being such an integral cc to this fandom, i always love ur gifs and i apologize for ever going a little too crazy in the tags <3

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[mysterialistic]

Lu Guang: The tragic hero

Ok, first and foremost: What's a tragic hero?

"Aristotle's tragic heroes are flawed individuals who commit, without evil intentions, great injustices that ultimately lead to their downfall, often followed by the tragic realization of the true nature of the events that led to this fate."

I know this sounds bad, but hear me out, Lu Guang has the potential to become an incredible tragic hero if the writers decide to take the most painful, yet coherent path.

From the beginning of the donghua, we are presented with "past or future, let them be", a rule that implicitly tells us: "you must not alter the past and affect the future". In the first episode, we see how a small action can lead to a huge tragedy as a consequence. And in the following episodes, a similar pattern repeats itself. However, I would like to focus on the significant and painful revelation in episode 4: "you cannot change the past and you cannot save anyone."

Lu Guang is the one who says these words, shouting them at Cheng Xiaoshi while the latter is desperate to save everyone from the earthquake. Lu Guang doesn't allow him to change the past and is perfectly aware that it's impossible no matter how hard he tries. However, it seems to be the biggest denial of the century.

Lu Guang continues trying to go back to the past and save Cheng Xiaoshi even though he knows and has proven that it's impossible. Lu Guang is always depicted as a mature and prudent character, only for it to turn out in the end that he is the opposite: immature and reckless.

There's a theory that he has changed Cheng Xiaoshi's death for the deaths of other characters, but this just makes me wonder: What will happen if the person who is supposed to die simply doesn't die?

Cheng Xiaoshi is destined to die, it's implied that in countless timelines he dies no matter Lu Guang's attempts. This cannot be altered and, to be honest, I want it to stay that way.

Lu Guang could become a perfect tragic hero, with great development that culminates his journey with the acceptance that heroes usually don't accept: I can't save everyone.

Accepting the past is a recurring lesson in Link Click. We have the case of Emma, the earthquake, evil glasses guy wife's death (don't remember his name, sorry), Chen Bin's death, Xixi and her parents' deaths. We are always taught that those who seek to change the past only suffer (like Li Tianchen and glasses guy) to the point of even losing their sanity. Events must not be altered, acceptance is necessary, and suffering is inherent to being human.

I think it would be perfect for Lu Guang to make peace with his own tragedy, to let go of Cheng Xiaoshi and move forward. I feel that in the end it will come down to "saving everyone" or "saving just one person", and Lu Guang, probably driven by Cheng Xiaoshi, will choose to save everyone.

I find it incredible how from the beginning they have managed to place symbolisms of "evilness" on Lu Guang. One of my favorites is when they portray him as a demon and Cheng Xiaoshi as an angel. Lu Guang, under the rules that the donghua itself has taught us, is no different from the villains; in fact, we could argue that he is one of the antagonists.

I want to see his development, I want him to choose the right option and to go through the grief and suffering that all his clients, the antagonists, and other characters have gone through because that is his form of redemption, that is the right thing to do and that would make him a tragic hero.

[egoioist]

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒 zena's relationships with, aespa

── ⟢ main masterlist ⭑.ᐟ ⟢ zena's masterlist ꪆৎ

── ⟢ KARINA⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀. ♬ ܁˖ now playing ⟡ everytime ・ ariana grande

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ karina + zena › zerina

⠀⠀⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ contacts... ⸝⸝ karinas : karomi 👩🏻‍❤️‍👩🏻 ⸝⸝ hers : yubear 🧸

⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ about zerina ꪆৎ

when one of them has a bad day or is in a bad mood karina always offers to cuddle.

they used to neak out of the trainee dorms together to get snacks at night.

zena and karina met as trainees and immediately became very close friends. they always supported each other in everything they did and when they found out they were going to debut together they were ecstatic.

they're both each others' number ones and always tell each other everything.

they might not mention it a lot on camera but they really do appreciate one another.

── ⟢ GISELLE⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀. ♬ ܁˖ now playing ⟡ my everything ・ ariana grande

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ giselle + zena › zenselle

⠀⠀⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ contacts... ⸝⸝ giselles : riri 😌🙂‍↕️ ⸝⸝ hers : xixi 🧸

⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ about zenselle ꪆৎ

they both take each other's instagram photos 90% of the time

giselle taught zena how to play the guitar, she also has taught her some french.

zena and giselle never really were friends as trainees but they immediately became close while preparing for debut.

these two couldn't possibly be closer, they do everything together even when aespa doesn't have group schedules. they do each others makeup for fun, send each other reels all the time, and even watch movies and show together. you'll have to pry yuxi from giselle's cold dead hands, and vice versa.

── ⟢ WINTER⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀. ♬ ܁˖ now playing ⟡ love me anyway ・ chappell roan

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ winter + zena › winzen

⠀⠀⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ contacts... ⸝⸝ giselles : 公主 minjeong 🐶🐶 ⸝⸝ hers : 公主 yuxi 🐍🐍

⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ about winzen

winter and zena will sit in the dorm watching funny youtube videos all day long when they have time off.

when winter told zena she was debuting zena was so upset that they probably wouldn't be debuting together, yet zena was the next member to be told she was apart of the group.

winter and zena met while winter was eating chocolate in the dance practice room and zena had asked her for a piece, literally.

out of all the members, winter is zena's closest and best friend.

all the times between 2016 and 2020 that zena had considered leaving the company, winter was the one to help support and convince her to not give up on being an idol.

whenever they have the chance they always let each other know how much they appreciate one another.

── ⟢ NINGNING⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀. ♬ ܁˖ now playing ⟡ little freak ・ harry styles

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ ningning + zena › xining

⠀⠀⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ contacts... ⸝⸝ giselles : ningnyang 🐯 ⸝⸝ hers : 女朋友 yuxiii

⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ about xining

they often dance to their own songs at 2x in the dorm and it never fails to get them cracking up

ningning and zena are the closest two members in the group

alongside yiyang, zena was one of ningning's first friends at sm. because of this zena and ningning became extremely close and were so happy to find out that they were debuting together.

they both show their appreciation for each other through skinship, and no matter what the situation they always find a way to make each other laugh.

©️egoioist

[withlove-xixi]

Xixi...how do you think Chillychuck would react w/ a reader with hidden piercings? Nipple, Tongue, Navel, Smiley, ect?.. I've asked Toram the same thing but I love hearing others interpretations (also for projecting reasons)

— CHILCHUCK THOUGHTS: chilchuck x reader with piercings

ᥫ cw: piercings i guess ★ IDK WHY I DIDNT FORMAT IT LIKE NORMAL WHEN I FIRST POSTED IT BUT THANK U ANGEL FOR ASKING FOR MY THOUGHTS HEHEAHEHAEH IM HONORED!!!

EHAEHAHEHAHEHHHHHH chilchuck to me is .. very traditional. i think he'd be the type to not really care about piercings, tattoos, etc (because he thinks people can do as they please and whatnot) but some small part of him finds it a bit strange still, a bit taboo. he never really got the appeal of it much, mainly because i doubt he personally would want to have piercings

that is, until he sees it on someone he finds attractive (you), then suddenly its ... a bit hot, somewhat sinful even. he notices it at first but it takes a while to realize they're piercings.

there are small dots on your face and he thinks they're beauty marks at first glance. much later on he realizes theyre small holes, but for what he doesn't realize until he walks into you changing your shirt on a on your day off. he sees the shine of the piercings before he processes what they are, and when he does he feels an instant mix of attraction and confusion.

because on one hand, he's never really been interested in piercings, he didnt care much about it. they were okay, he supposed, lots of younger people in town had them so they were trendy he guessed. but on you? combined with the way you had your shirt still hanging on your arms, halfway put on? something about it made chilchuck's heart skip a beat.

i doubt he can really describe the feeling or even why he feels that way. even after seeing your piercings and feeling the way he did when he saw you, he'd see others with piercings and to him it's just some everyday thing. but when he sees you put them on, it drives a small part of him insane because suddenly it's the hottest thing he's ever seen. but then again you were always his only exemption.

i think maybe he'd get you ones that he thinks looks cute on you, ones with stars and moons on them, ones that have intricate designs and ones that are simple. he starts encouraging you to wear them more often too, even going as far as asking you to wear them just so he could look at them. his fingers would gently brush over them, admiring how they look on your pierced skin. i think :3 he'd kiss them too, even if you take out your piercings, he'd kiss where they are, something gentle and tender because that's the way he loves.