#we are people who were not sufficiently loved or supported growing up

[gale-in-space]

“Narcissists will butter you up and shower you with compliments in order to lure you in so they can abuse you!!!” No, we heavily compliment people because that’s the kind of stuff we wish people would do to us. I gush over people and try to be specific with my compliments because it's how I want people to treat me. I desperately want to be seen and to feel loved and appreciated the way I try to make others feel. Why is this so hard to understand

[squishycheekanon]

Now hear me Out... The techno's reactions to us being like a single parent or something before Meeting them? And possibly Meeting the child?

Bad idea or Not?

Techno x singlemom!Reader

Drabble

Techno wouldn’t care. He’d love your kid just as much as he loved you, they are simply an extension of you. Techno would be there for anything you needed, babysitting, dentists appointments for the kid. You remember that one time where you were stuck at work and there’d been an incident at school, he was the first one you called, he rushed over and set things straight instantly defending your child.

You came home to him playing with, let’s say your son, Apollo. Techno making aeroplane noises as his large hand moved the toy plane around in the air while your six year old son giggled loudly and excitedly.

Your heart was warmed and you felt your eyes stinging with tears at the sight. When you first met Techno you had tried hard to avoid him, not wanting to date anyone since the let down of Apollo’s father. When he left due to you getting pregnant it was a giant kick to your self esteem. You hadn’t felt worth it anymore and honestly not the most attractive either.

So when Techno persued you, you almost couldn’t believe it. Even when you had rejected him out of fear, he continued to court you coming into the diner where you worked and watching you with a smile while you served others. All he thought about was persuading you to quit so you’d never have to serve other people again. He had more than enough money to support you if you’d simply let him.

Finally, after a few months of him flashing his gorgeous pearly whites at you and making you feel all giddy with the sweet nicknames and phrases he spouted with that monotonous voice of his, you relented and let him take you on a date. You were shy and a bit withdrawn still, fussing over yourself and worrying about how you looked.

He eased them, ‘you look ravishing darlin’, it made butterflies erupt in your stomach, and your fussing ceased. He took you to a nice restaurant, wining and dining you like he had been promising he would. The whole night was actually going well and he’d managed to get you to relax enough to enjoy yourself until the babysitter called saying she had an emergency and she had to leave as soon as possible.

You obviously started rushing away, apologising profusely as you did. Techno chucked some money on the table and ran after you. He caught up to you and offered you to drive you home, after not being able to hail a cab you relented, he was your ride after all. The drive home was tense, you were so scared to tell him about your son not that you were embarrassed by him, not at all. You knew you’d done a good job raising him, but you knew the stigma around single moms and from past experiences when guys had asked you out only to back out when they’d found out you had a kid.

You didn’t want it to happen again, not after the lovely evening you had had and particularly not after the feelings that were growing for the man driving you home tonight.

You’d arrived, thanking him sufficiently with a kiss on the cheek for good measure before exiting the car rather quickly. You were so busy running away that you completely missed Techno’s worried expression, his softened eyes, and him getting out of the car to follow you.

As you unlocked the door, Sophia was pulling on her coat with a sad look on her face. “Do you have to go? We haven’t done story time yet!” Apollo whined.

“How about doing it with me buddy?” You smiled as your son’s eyes lit up at the sight of you home early, a rare occasion when you were working indeed.

“Mommy!” He squealed happily running into your arms. He hugged you tightly as you kissed his cheek. “Who’s that?” Apollo’s question had you turning around to see Techno staring down at you from where you were crouched.

“Sorry I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” He apologised, smiling softly at the little boy who gave him a small wave.

That was around four month ago, since then your relationship with Techno had evolved and his bond with Apollo had grown so much. You never thought you’d have this, this safety net, this love. And yet as you watched Techno play aeroplanes with Apollo all you felt was love.

[giddlygoat]

whatever. i keep thinking about dt17 LP and drake.

launchpad has been all over the world and made tons of friends and connections, but can’t seem to connect with anyone on a more meaningful level. i think it’s safe to say watching darkwing duck was his only constant in the time he spent traveling and he looked up to the character as a guiding light amongst all the uncertainty. iirc he was kicked out at a young age by his parents [in the classic shows at least] and honestly at this point that is cemented as part of his character for me. the majority of my LP hcs are total speculation bc we don’t have much to go off of but. i think the people who mattered to him most probably told him to get his head out of the clouds or get out of the house and the next thing he knows he’s up in them for good. isolation is launchpad’s nightmare.

drake’s autistic ass got bullied big time as a kid and darkwing imprinted on him heavily because he identified with the character and latched onto the idea that he would stand up against injustice and prevail because that’s the only option he has. he couldn’t even consider staying down after being beaten so many times, it just doesn’t register as a possibility for him. he would just get back up. he doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who had much support at all growing up, but he still chooses kindness. you can’t separate drake from his natural inclination towards compassion. and yet ….. ! he absolutely FEEDS off attention. he’s starving for it. he just needs someone to notice him and look at him and listen to him or he will wither. he needs love and validation and respect or he becomes a shell. been there, buddy

do you think when he got the role as DW in the movie he even thought of it as a job at all. i think drake didn’t have to act. i think drake knows the character so well and embodies all he stands for to such an extreme that playing darkwing was like breathing. it’s not hard for me to imagine that drake had moments where the line between him and the character faded, and he would stand at the top of some high tower in the lonely shoes of his hero and look down at all the broken teeth and singed feathers waiting for him and it would not be this profound or unfamiliar thing. i think drake recognizes himself better in the mask.

or you know, maybe he’s a totally normal well adjusted person with no self image issues whatsoever, but somehow i doubt it.

launchpad, meanwhile. hewboy. what if your worth is inseparable from the services you provide for others? what if you give everything you have every chance you get and never ask for anything back? what if the pain and the loneliness that follows the headfirst run into the emotional divide feels more like home than any one place ever did. what if every night you watched a cartoon about a flawed and flamboyant hero who protects a whole city and never takes his mask off for anyone - except maybe a very close friend - because this silly and attractive man can provide the ultimate service on an extreme scale and still be deeply flawed and still be loved.

i think LP naturally needs to follow someone. he’s not a leader, and he doesn’t want to be one. he takes charge when he’s needed, he’s dependable and kind, he cares so much it hurts. but i think following a lead makes him feel secure. he needs to see everyone else rise into their best selves and become self sufficient and content in their lives, but he doesn’t know how to do any of that without someone to build up in turn. launchpad needs validation, especially from the ones he admires, but he’s so programmed to give that he doesn’t know how to ask for anything. i’m guessing half the time he doesn’t even know that he needs help.

launchpad has put himself apart from everyone else, not on a pedestal, but down in the well that never runs dry. he’s forgotten that being happy to help isn’t the same as never needing it.

when him and drake met i think something amazing happened. i think there were a lot of emotions but the strongest had to be relief. drake let launchpad praise and encourage him and launchpad had someone to support and take care of, with the same hyperfixation, no less. two people who had made themselves unreachable suddenly couldn’t separate from each other, and they both know what it’s like to need to look out for everyone else. i think letting their guard down with each other came naturally and vulnerability put itself on the table. they’re both experiencing an easy and strong connection for the first time and it’s beautiful!

i hope these characterizations aren’t too far off, but i wouldn’t be surprised if it seems askew. it’s very difficult for me to keep my thoughts in order but i hope it’s coherent enough. this post is long enough already so i’m going to end it before i talk myself out of sharing it lawl

[dakotafinely]

I am emerging from my little void to come in and insert myself into rise fandom business yet again. Today's topic of interest: Mikey and Raph's dynamic

I don't think those two are talked about enough, especially their dynamic. And I could talk about why that is and what factors into why those two are often on the back burner of the fandom. But my aim of focus is not on that today.

My focus is purely on them as separate characters, and how it plays into their dynamic. And how being the oldest and youngest of their siblings plays a huge part in that as well as Splinters parenting.

Splinter, as well all know, is an emotionally neglectful parent. Most of time being completely unaware of what his boys are even doing until plot decides to reveal it to him. It is also shown in a turtle tot short he was also fairly that way when they were younger. Even if he still tried to keep an eye on them he often would rush away to watch shows. I'm saying this so no one tries to be like "well we don't KNOW if he was really emotionally neglectful when they were BABIES" because, yes, he was. The proof is in the pudding.

But I'm saying this because he's parenting is something that heavily effects Raph and Mikey's dynamics and characters. Both of them being very emotionally intelligent and in tune with their family in very similar ways. Despite being a two-three year age gap between them.

That's because Raph, as we all knew, was leader. But he was also his siblings "parent" the one who got them out of trouble, kept them together, probably even cooked meals and helped them with nightmares at some points too. They all lean on him for support and advice. Because he is the big brother, the one who is the biggest. And he's fulfilled the role that Splinter lacked in their childhood. Especially for Raph. Being the caretaker of his siblings is no easy task and it made Raph grow and mature a lot faster then his brothers have. He became very emotionally intelligent and in tune with his family because he had to be.

Now look at Mikey, age 13 in the show (almost 15 in the movie if I'm not mistaken) and also very emotionally intelligent for his age. Well I do also believe it is in part to having Splinter as his parent. I also think it has to do with Raph. Raph, who was basically fulfilling the parent role where Splinter failed to. Raph the big brother who Mikey could rely on to be supported and who Mikey could trust would get him out of whatever pickle Mikey found himself into. Raph who cooked meals and helped Mikey when he was having nightmares. Raph, who helped guide Mikey when he was having trouble.

Honestly I won't lie when I say this is more of a head cannon but it's based off cannon evidence. But it wouldn't surprise me if Mikey sort of idolized Raph when they were younger. As this sort of "he can do anything and everything" sort of figure in his life. I mean, back when they were kids I'm sure it really seemed like it.

But then you get older, you realize the people you used to idolize are flawed, are human (or mutant in this case) are imperfect and can't actually do it all. You realize you have to become self sufficient and independent, you realize if you love someone you won't expect them to be at your hand and foot to protect you at all times anymore.

But you also have Raph. Who spent basically his entire life protecting and caring for his brothers. That he doesn't fully know who he is outside of that. Because, even if he isn't fully aware of it, he is doing his best to let his brothers have the childhood he was robbed of.

And then you have the conflict. Between Mikey, who wants to be independent and grow and be his own person. And Raph, who doesn't want Mikey to be that because, in his own experience, that is when you loose your childhood.

And despite growing up in the same home under the same circumstances. Their views of life, and family, and everything ends up seemingly completely different from each other. They are different sides of the same coin.

I feel like this dynamic isn't talked about and used as it should be. It is such a unique dynamic between Raph and Mikey that we don't really have in the other versions that I feel like should be given more attention.

And I will make another post later about why I think Mikey has idolized Raph when they were younger (as well as episodes where I think it shows him doing so and episodes that have a sort change in perspective with this idea in mind) and how/when that changes in the series.

But yeah, thems the thoughts, thanks for reading!! If you have thoughts you wanna add pls do I'd love to hear them!!

[bright-eyed]

Blah parent stuff therapy stuff embarrassing to post without a readmore but I’m getting it all out

Talking to my parents is… so remember you will always be on your own for everything and no one will help you. Which is a lesson I have already learned in full but I keep going back. Partly out of hope that it will be different this time, partly to be reminded.

I sometimes blame myself for it but i also know it’s just something children instinctively do with their parents, no matter how much we grow up or how unreliable they are for us, because there’s something biological that reaches out to them for support. But it’s like… I know I’m not going to find it and I hate this instinct to be comforted and helped by them but I keep doing it like a rat in a lab electrocuting itself over and over to relieve stress.

Talking about it w my therapist and realizing it’s just their lack of emotional maturity on top of me being a naturally sensitive person has been helpful, but also there were years where I believed it was just that I was subhuman or was doing something wrong and that belief led me to turn away from people who could have actually empathized with me, as well as so many other horrible things I’ve done to myself, which led to this weird moated tower life. It’s nice to not just passively accept that there is something innate about me that is unknowable and wrong but I still can’t go back and undo years of carrying that. It’s not something you can just put down.

But even then, despite all the emotional loneliness and neglect that I grew up with as a result of it I suppose I’m still grateful for my sensitivity because it has given me a depth of life that I know my family will probably never have. Obviously it sucks that I’m beating my head against a wall trying to get them to love me, but I have no doubt they beat their own heads against their own walls and then wonder where these headaches and all this blood come from. I remember being seven or eight when I stopped being able to say i love you to them and I know they didn’t notice or think anything of it for years but now I’m sure they wonder why I don’t say it. I don’t think they ever go so far as to ask themselves if they did anything wrong but they might still wonder. And there’s never a way I will be able to say it and they’ll never know why. I’m sure that’s hard for them even though I know they’ve never thought about it in so many words. To live life half senseless doesn’t save you from pain entirely, and might make the pain more confusing.

I used to be so jealous of my sister because she seemed to not have my problems and always found it so much easier to relate to them and they always favored her and were so obvious in their love for her, which were all more reasons for me to believe it was all my fault, but then last week I read this:

“Enmeshment sometimes manifests as playing favorites (Libby 2010). It can be hard to watch your parent give attention to a preferred sibling, making you wonder why your parent never showed that kind of interest in you. But obvious favoritism isn’t a sign of a close relationship; it’s a sign of enmeshment. It’s likely that the preferred sibling has a psychological maturity level similar to your parent’s (Bowen 1978). Low levels of emotional maturity pull people into mutual enmeshment, especially if they are parent and child.

Remember, emotionally immature parents relate on the basis of roles, not individuality. If you had an independent, self-reliant personality, your parent wouldn’t have seen you as a needy child for whom he or she could play the role of rescuing parent. Instead, you may have been pegged as the child without needs, the little grown-up. It wasn’t some sort of insufficiency in you that made your parent pay more attention to your sibling; rather, it’s likely that you weren’t dependent enough to trigger your parent’s enmeshment instincts.

Interestingly, self-sufficient children who don’t spur their parents to become enmeshed are often left alone to create a more independent and self-determined life (Bowen 1978). Therefore, they can achieve a level of self-development exceeding that of their parents. In this way, not getting attention can actually pay off in the long run. But in the meantime, high-functioning children still have the pain of feeling left out as their parent pours energy into emotional enmeshment with one or more siblings.”

But maybe I should be grateful for having been forced to turn to nature and art and literature and animals because even though I was always still lonely I’ve found so much in those things that saved me. So many mary oliver poems just rushed through my mind writing that but obviously especially wild geese, which I think resonate with so many people for really sad reasons. “Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, / the world offers itself to your imagination, / calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting — / over and over announcing your place / in the family of things.” It’s a tough way to grow up, but it’s a way to grow. Maybe eventually I’ll feel more gratefulness than despair. Like everything else it’s probably mostly a matter of perspective.

I know what I’m asking for is a basic need. Humans need to connect emotionally with other humans and creatures and the world, and loneliness is just as real as thirst or hunger. Asking to be seen and emotionally connected to is not too much to ask for, generally. But with my family it is. Not because my emotion receptors are broken or something. They just can’t connect with me in that way. And that’s really sad and it really sucks. But I have resources 🌳🧘🏼‍♀️🔮

[sunsetrules]

okay but how are the people that are so willing to crap on Damian for being the little tsundere stink he is able to take the entirety of their unbridled anger out onto this little man without having the self-awareness to actually sit with the fact that the dude is six years of age????

like, even if we were to set aside the fact that irl most young children have NO grasp on their feelings whatsoever and are only as emotionally mature as they've been taught to be/as their still growing, still developing (emphasis on STILL DEVELOPING!!!) brains will allow them to be... small Desmond is literally trying to work out why his mommy and daddy can't take a minute out of their lives to see him when his classmates' parents can afford to take HOURS, while also simultaneously trying to maintain the facade of the perfect independent self-sufficient son that doesn't need to rely on anyone or anything ever...???? like just????

preschoolers struggle to work through stupid shit like learning to share or dealing with getting their ipad taken away- can you imagine the toll this constant back and forth swing of contradictory emotion (oscillating between his Second Son "Scion" I-Can-Do-No-Wrong exterior and the flawed, imperfect, undeserving son he internalises himself to be in private, alongside having to battle and shame himself for the very legitimate and innate need for comfort, love, and security that a child his age REQUIRES for a healthy upbringing?????) will take over time on a person??

even ADULTS would struggle to juggle all that crap- how do you expect a literal PRESCHOOLER to be able to do so??? in a healthy way that doesn't impact his behaviour and personality and mental health, no less???

trauma fucks people up beyond repair; it eats at you until you are unrecognizable- a hollow shell of your former self... the consistent absence (and by extent, emotional neglect) of both of his parents to this end, is a kindof ongoing trauma that only serves to make what was bad worse.

like i get where people are trying to come from with the "don't excuse his circumstances for his mentality when HE chooses how to act" perspective, and in almost any other case I actually do take this side because yes, while trauma does not make nice people, it is ultimately up to the afflicted to decide whether they want to let this trauma impact them and assume agency over their person for the rest of their lives. however.

VEEEEERY BIG HOWEVER!

in this specific case... this just isn't applicable!!! again, as I've said earlier,,,,, Damian is a preschooler,,,,, he is an intelligent little fucker, that I don't deny, but scientifically speaking, his brain is simply not developed enough to process the complexities of what exactly is going on to him, and how the behaviour of those around him influences his own subconsciously. this isn't just a matter of flipping a switch, of actively making the choice to not let your trauma influence you and act on your own will- he legitimately is not actively conscious of the fact that he "chooses" to act in the way he does; he has no healthy role model to follow, no support system, no one to fall back on should he stumble.

man even Ewen and Emile, who i hesitate to call his friends, act more like his lackeys than they do genuine companions (and although these relationships are probably the healthiest he has at the moment), it ultimately means that in the eventuality he needs someone to confide in, he... doesn't really have anyone. i mean, he has his butler, but does that really count, considering Damian is most likely aware the man is paid to spend time with him (and as much as that shouldn't affect what seems to be a pleasant mutual relationship, it kindof does lol???? like how would you feel realising your only friend is literally forced to hangout with you?????)

i need some of y'all to wake the fuck up- try to picture going through every single day of your life wondering which flaw, which ineptitude; which FAILING of yours shamed your parents into recluse and (practically) had them decide that ZERO contact was the way to go???? WITH THEIR FUCKING SIX YEAR OLD???

bffr. be so fucking fr rn.

[theopolis]

We were talking about Harry and one of the questions that sometimes gets brought up is what Harry's purpose in the comics even was in the post-OMD world. He didn't do a whole lot and it could be some have argued bringing him back lessened his death, so what do you think? Do you have any good ideas what Harry should've been up to in the comics? And if he's ever brought back again, what then?

Hmm see it depends on how you define "purpose" and "doing things"

If by not doing a whole lot you mean that he didn't get in on a lot of action - the same can truthfully be said about pre OMD Harry. His outings as the Goblin were very occasional compared to the amount of time he spent just being a civilian supporting character. But that's what (usually) made them so good! Harry was Just Some Guy who got tangled in this web (pun intended) against his wishes and it pushed him over the edge. His Goblin was deeply rooted in the insecurities and emotional issues he exhibited in regular day to day life, and seeing that buildup was crucial. He was not defined by being the Goblin (even if marvel sometimes likes to pretend otherwise), he was an already amazing character for whom the Goblin was a new venture in his arc.

Harry's "purpose", imo, is to be a valuable addition to the cast. To have good development, compelling relationships with other characters, and thematic relevance.

And I think that was sufficiently the case for him post OMD up to the whole Kindred debacle. We got Harry distancing himself from his abusive father for good, finding a new direction in life that suits his mellow self much better than any form of vigilantism (Coffee Bean owner Harry was SO inspired), trying to repair the relationships he destroyed before his passing. I don't believe his resurrection cheapened his death, because his character basically picked up where he had left off - accepting his loving and tender self and denouncing Norman. (Not to mention that if you're gonna bring Norman back you might as well have Harry around too. Peter and Norman's nemesism doesn't hit the same without Harry as the centerpiece and thematic extension of it)

But that being said, I think there were some problems with post OMD Harry from the get go that were indicative of marvel no longer having a firm grasp on his character - which recently led to them deeming him disposable.

For starters, post OMD Harry seems to have lost a chunk of his characterization. Whereas pre death there was a huge focus on him being jumpy, frail, people pleasing and struggling a lot with lacking conventionally masculine traits like toughness, assertiveness and leadership qualities, post OMD Harry was usually portrayed as more laid back and confident, at times even smarmy. The specifics of Norman's abuse were often (not always! Nice Things my beloved) flattened, the critique of toxic masculinity and male power fantasy was no longer central to either of their characters, which resulted in a lack of direction. Remember the "thematic relevance" point? Post OMD Spidey comics undervalue that in the supporting cast in general but it's especially frustrating with the Osborns because they make up such a huge chunk of nuance to the whole power and responsibility message. If they're written in more redundant ways, the entire thematic fabric of Spider-Man comics suffers for it. (Although from what I've seen, Norman's character had been plagued by these issues since his own resurrection)

Overall I got the impression that post OMD Spider-Man became progressively less and less about grounded stories, which was bad news for a fairly grounded character like Harry

What they should have done instead of forcing - like literally forcing out of absolutely nowhere - a new villain plotline on him is continue the tradition of Harry being a compelling civilian character and lean into that more. Show us how his relationship with his children grows. Let him keep the Coffee Bean and follow his continued exploration of his own identity now that he's free of Norman. They brought back his mom, how does he deal with that? And the elephant in the room - Harry should have become a confidant to Peter. All the development was there. The big focus on restoring and further strengthening their friendship, Harry's gradually shifting views on Spider-Man as well as his now completely broken loyalty to his father. Everything seemed prepared to usher his character into a new era, to give some immensely satisfying development to both Peter and Harry as individuals and their relationship and yet... marvel were simply too cowardly to challenge the status quo like that. Or not interested enough in Harry to do so. Which I suppose is how we ended up with him being contorted into Kindred and eventually killed off.

I don't know how I would handle Harry if he was brought back tbh. It's incredibly difficult after all the damage the Spencer run did to his character. I'm not sure if it would truly work without a couple retcons of his retcons, unless most writers and readership collectively make a silent pact to pretend certain events never occurred like back when Sins Past was still canon (Thanks a lot for "fixing" that one, Spencer!)

I'd say cut the woobie Norman crap, have Harry show up again sooner or later, and more or less set into motion the aforementioned ideas for his character like he was never gone. Preferably written by JMD

[otnesse]

An article came up defending Ruby and Sapphire, claiming it changed the anime for the better: Pokémon the Series: Ruby and Sapphire Changed Pokémon For The Better (msn.com)

I disagree. If anything, it changed it for the worse ultimately, for a few reasons.

First, in regards to Pokemon’s fans not stop watching if the core cast was changed, that was proven false, as a lot of people either left the series precisely BECAUSE of Misty being removed (or at a bare minimum HOW she was removed), or otherwise were convinced not to return after getting some hints at what it entailed (in my case). And not just in America, either, even Japan had that problem as well. Not to mention Japanese ratings during that time indicated that, if anything, that actually caused the ratings to up and out tank, meaning it not only drove away fans, it even had a negative enough impact to prevent NEW viewers from starting to watch and replacing the ones who left in sufficient numbers. Literally the only time the show had even a slight increase in ratings was during DP, with there being evidence that the main factor behind that, for better or for worse, was Paul’s introduction as Ash’s rival (and even THERE, it was short term ultimately), and the ratings continued to tank despite everything.

As far as keeping things fresh and relevant with the cast changes, I disagree vehemently regarding that bit, particularly relevancy. Max for example didn’t really get much in way of development largely thanks to his being underage, and May was just a mess regarding character development (I’m sorry, but Lillie from Pokemon Sun and Moon did her character arc of initially having negative views of Pokemon before growing to like them FAR better. Someone like May who hated Pokemon in the first place has NO business being a trainer while she still hates Pokemon. Didn’t help that her hatred came across as completely contrived due to her being the daughter of a Gym Leader, one who she ultimately had a far better relationship with than Brock, Misty, or even Jessie ever did. At least he actually WAS in her life, unlike their parents who ditched them for a variety of reasons). Plus, I fail to see how Pokemon Contests were even relevant at all, especially when they were a minigame in the games at best, not any different from Base Building (which got only ONE episode at most), with the closest to any real relevancy being evolving Feebas into Milotic. Even less so when unlike Ash whom they always made sure was in the series, they had no qualms replacing May with Dawn just for the latter to rehash the former’s goal anyways. And I wouldn’t agree that there wouldn’t have been ways to keep Misty for example very relevant in the story had she been kept, either: Hoenn was the first region to be primarily composed of Water, and in fact Water Pokemon played a fairly major role in the RSE games, from having one of the mascot legendaries be a Water-Type (in fact, purported to be the God of the Ocean), to having a Water-based villain team in Sapphire. Let’s not forget Misty’s goal, the one Hidaka robbed her of when kicking her to the side (yes, it was Hidaka who insisted Misty be removed. Shudo if anything was more forced to comply even WITH his love for Team Rocket) was to become a Water Pokemon Master, which would have been a MASSIVE boon for her story development wise as she’d have loads of opportunities to interact with Water Types, plus it would allow her some degree of conflict on whether or not to support Team Aqua, the aforementioned Villainous Team since on the one hand they like her do love Water Types, but on the other they are also extreme in their methods. And let’s not forget we also had a Water/Bug type, Surskit, which would have also further aided Misty’s character development by having her possibly learn to accept Bug Pokemon to a degree, maybe even ELABORATE on why exactly she had a fear of Bug types. And then we get into how Sinnoh had at least one aquatic Pokemon that had two different variants depending on which side of Sinnoh it was on, plus how Palkia, the Legendary Pokemon of Space, was a Water Type, which would have helped with Misty overall. The introduction of Togekiss would also have helped to give MORE development to her Togepi as well. There’s also a few other aspects of later regions that would have actually WORKED for her had she been allowed to stay on the show rather than unceremoniously dropped. And personally, I felt Ash still being presented as an underdog despite going through multiple regions (including Orange Islands, which WAS technically a Pokemon League) was one of the anime’s worst mistakes. It sabotaged any true character development and if anything came across as even MORE contrived regarding his wins as a result (Thunder Armor comes to mind, which BTW also occurred in AG). I’d rather take “power creep” if it means Ash keeps his Character Development. And BTW, characters regressing in skill and development is one of the major complaints about the Sequel Trilogy of Star Wars.

On the subject of power creep, if we must act like that’s a true negative, AG was most certainly guilty of this by an obscene amount. Of all the times he faced a Gym Leader, only ONE entailed him actually losing to said Gym Leader, Brawley (Norman hardly counts since that was more of a contrived way to force Ash to go the route of the games). The rest, he beat easily (made even worse from Flannery onward where he explicitly used rookies to fight them and hand them their butts even though they are supposed to be rookies. Roxanne I consider an exception solely because at least with her, she strictly lost to Pikachu, an established veteran, the ONLY veteran on his team in fact, thanks largely to the whole fresh start thing). In fact, it was thanks to AG that the Gym Leaders looked like trash and were complete jokes, little different than Jessie, James, and Meowth (whom, if I must remind you, were so easily beaten by Ash since Episode 3 against a near-dead Caterpie despite the advantage that a running joke was that beating JJM was not really considered an accomplishment to brag about), which Best Wishes managed to make them look even worse after Ash was made even MORE of an idiot than usual thanks to taking fresh start to the extreme. And to top it all off, he doesn’t even increase in rank at the actual league. In fact, pretty much his only genuine accomplishment after all of that was the Battle Frontier (and even THAT ended up being treated as a complete joke by the end of AG and most of DP, namely losing to Gary and the latter’s Electivire despite Gary outright retiring from being a Pokemon Trainer to follow his grandpa’s footsteps by that time, not to mention Pikachu being utterly humiliated by Paul’s Ursaring despite the latter literally being caught at the beginning of Sinnoh). And quite frankly, as I mentioned earlier in the post, the fact that ratings plummeted hard during AG would point AGAINST the idea that it was getting a fresh group of viewers. Besides, Pokemon the Movie 20 had a pre-release poll of all the companions they want to see return, with the top three being Brock, Misty, and Serena (not in that order, though). And said poll was given not just to people who were there since the show started, but even to the most recent viewers. The fact that Misty and Brock got third and first place, respectively, blows a hole in the idea that fresh viewers were a factor, as the fresh viewers preferred Misty over May, Dawn, or Iris (Serena got second place, though that was only because she was the most recent of the traveling cast who departed). Besides, they can always access internet forums and just buy DVDs to watch old episodes to catch up.

[beauty-and-passion]

FSS3 Episode 11: Broken

In order to understand, sometimes you have to let Anger do his job.

Updates every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

What is FFS3 - Introduction - Season 2 finale - previous episode - next episode

AO3 link for this episode

DISCLAIMER: As said in the introductory post, Fanders Sides Season 3 (season 2 finale included) could have triggering themes/scenes. Please keep that in mind before reading.

_______________________________

PREMISE: if I were Mr. Sanders and had to play this episode, I would never use my family - also because I believe the Sanders family is made of wonderfully supporting people.

But since this is fiction and we need drama, I would instead use some actors and open the episode by clarifying that this is a work of fiction and it has nothing to do with Thomas Sanders’ real family. I know people already learned the difference between Mr. Sanders and Character!Thomas, but better safe than sorry.

I would also change all names, just to be sure. And for the sake of simplicity, I also gave Character!Thomas two brothers and not three, just for the sake of avoiding too many characters.

_______________________________

The door opens and Thomas is welcomed by his brothers.

We get to know them a little more, while they exchange pleasantries: the older brother is a doctor, while the second brother is the head of administration in a company. They are both married, but have no kids. (From now on, I will refer to them by using their jobs.)

Thomas tells them about Nico: his job, his ambitions, his skills, his beautiful lyrics. He shows them a few of their videos together and they’re both happy to see Thomas found a boyfriend. But why didn’t Thomas bring Nico with him today? They would’ve loved to know him in person!

Thomas gives them a look: maybe they would’ve been happy to meet Nico and maybe mom and dad would be happy too. But grandpa and grandma…

The doctor rolls his eyes: grandma already asked them why they still don’t have any kids and grandpa lectured them for 20 minutes about the importance of having kids before they get too old.

The three brothers share a knowing look. Same as always, Thomas comments.

While they’re talking, Thomas’ parents appear. They're both retired, but keep pursuing hobbies and doing small works, so they look very lively.

They immediately ask Thomas about his job and he tells them about his recent auditions. He still got no reply, but maybe he will in a few days. Both his parents are very supportive and glad to see him.

And then, Thomas finally meets his grandparents. His grandma is a nice old lady and she looks extremely happy to see him. She tells him how big he is, what a beautiful man, how are you my boy and so on. They talk about their health too: Thomas tells them about the first random pains, and they tell him about their chronic ones. Despite them, his grandpa is still quite active and his grandma undergoes regular medical check-ups.

His grandma reassures him that aside from all of that jazz, they both rely on God’s will. They pray every day, for the entire family. And especially for their precious little Thomas, who is still so alone, poor boy.

Thomas sighs: he knows how this story goes. Still, he reassures them that everything’s okay, he’s fine, he can cook (read: he can order delivery), he can clean his house (even if he doesn’t do it regularly) and he’s self-sufficient.

Still, his grandparents act as if he said nothing: Thomas is a man, he should find a good wife, who takes care of him and the house! He needs a good woman who will cook him a meal! And they should have children as soon as possible, otherwise Thomas will get too old to properly grow them.

Thomas’ expression morphs from exasperated to pissed: he says they already talked about that. Every. Single. Time. And no, he still doesn’t want a wife. He doesn’t want a woman - any woman! He likes men.

His grandma shakes her head. Thomas talks like that, because he never found the right one. Once he will find the right woman, he will understand.

Should they help him find one?, his grandpa suggests. There’s the daughter of that friend, who is single too and she’s a beauty and she’s a bit younger than Thomas, but even better, so she can have more children…

Look at your brothers, his grandma adds, holding his hand. They’re both married and happy, because they found the right woman. You can be like them.

Thomas takes a step back, escaping from his grandma’s touch. He said it 200 times: no woman can change what he feels, because there’s no “right woman” to find. He doesn’t want a woman.

You talk like that, but God will bring you the perfect wife… his grandma adds, but this time it’s Thomas’ father who tries to change the topic. They already had this conversation over and over again, it’s useless. This isn’t a phase, Thomas likes men and that’s all.

It’s because you spoiled your kid, the grandpa says. You always let him win and now, look at him: he lives all alone in a house, doing an unstable job. Back in his days, kids were disciplined from an early age, so they didn’t get any weird ideas about “liking men”. Maybe he should take care of Thomas’ discipline and call that daughter of their friend…

Thomas can’t take it anymore: he gets up and slaps the phone from his grandfather’s hand.

The phone hits the ground, everyone looks at him in shock. But Thomas has had enough: he repeated himself so many times, he lost the fucking count! He doesn’t want a woman. Any woman! It doesn’t matter if she’s the daughter of a friend, if she’s beautiful or if she’s a good cook or not. He. Doesn’t. Want. A. Woman. Period. He is gay, he likes men, MEN! And no, it’s not an illness and it’s not a whim nor a phase nor the lack of discipline. He likes men, he just likes men! What’s so fucking difficult to understand?! And before they bring up the “back in my days”: back in your days, children died of flu and there was a world war going on. Now it’s over, it’s the future! Things change, everything changes, why can’t they understand that things are DIFFERENT now?! It’s not so difficult, goddammit!

Thomas comes to his senses and realizes what he just did and said. His grandpa’s phone is still on the ground, his entire family still looks at him with shocked faces.

Thomas turns around and runs away. Once he exits the door, one of his brothers finally catches up with him: why is he running away, he should come back in and…

But Thomas stops him. He can’t go back. He knows his grandparents are old and everything, but he just can’t keep repeating the same thing over and over. He wants to be accepted for who he is. And he really should go now, because he’s still livid with rage. And if he stays, he will end up punching someone. So, it’s better if his brother leaves him too.

His brother’s grip loosens, Thomas jumps in his car and drives away.

°

Thomas is back home: he opens the door, slams it behind him and once he raises his head, the first person he sees is Anger, his back against the couch, his ankles crossed. On his face, the same sardonic smile he showed Thomas when he was driving towards his parent’s house.

Thomas suddenly remembers his words: “You will understand by yourself” and pure rage blinds him.

He verbally attacks Anger: everything was his fault! It’s because of him, he got so angry! It’s because of him, that he said all those things! It has always been because of him! Even when he was in middle school and got angry at his friend for doing a better job than him! Even when his ex-boyfriend didn’t like his hobbies! Every time, Anger was ruining his life from the shadows!

Anger reacts with a smile. Oh, please, everything he does is something Thomas wants. He is the one who wants to react to all the assholes that ruin his life. Anger is just the means to do that.

Virgil was right about you!, Thomas screams. You are impulsive and dangerous! I cannot talk like that to my family!

Oh, but it’s exactly because you never talked like that to your family, that you reached that point!, Anger replies. Thomas never stood up for himself, never defended his ideas. He grew up like a wimp, too scared to talk back to a couple of decrepit old folks with stale ideas.

And once he finally does it, he whines because oh no, maybe he offended these old hags!

Thomas gets so angry, that he grabs the first thing he finds (a TV remote) and throws it at Anger, who dodges it. He mocks Thomas: he even sucks at being angry.

Thomas replies that he’s not the one who sucks, it’s Anger who is an asshole.

Anger laughs: well, better being an asshole, than a weak! All Thomas does is undergo everything. He undergoes his job, Nico, his family, even religion. He’s weak, he’s pathetic, he clings to everyone in his life because he’s unable to do anything by himself.

I build my life and my work by myself!, Thomas replies. I chose my job, my home, my boyfriends and everything else, all by myself!

You chose to ruin yourself with your own hands, Anger says and his tone is cold rage. You locked away the Sides who could’ve helped you grow a spine and chose to keep around just the ones who agreed with everything you did. And you did that, because you are afraid of everything, especially of confrontation.

That’s not true at all!, Thomas replies, offended. He always takes a stand and tries his best to follow it!

Anger replies with a bitter, shrieking laugh. Does he? How? His beloved Core Sides aren’t even able to talk to each other! And every time there’s a moment of confrontation, Thomas prefers to run away from it, instead of facing it! He makes promises he doesn’t fulfill, he wants to improve himself and doesn’t change anything, he wants to give his Sides a better life and does nothing for them, he wants to confront his family and runs away.

Thomas’ voice grows frustrated: he’s trying! He’s really trying to become a better person! But he doesn’t always succeed! He still tries and insists, but it’s difficult! So difficult! He has to take a break and clear his mind and he hates it, he doesn’t want to be this weak, but he doesn’t know how to do better! He doesn’t know what to do!

Anger looks at him with a pitiful expression: see? You’re giving up even before trying. That’s what is wrong with you.

Thomas screams and, in a fit of rage, throws everything around: the stuff on his table, a cup against the wall, books, toys. Everything he finds, he just throws it.

What should I do?, he screams, but he’s not listening for a real answer: he’s just too blinded by rage.

And after he throws everything, after there’s nothing else he can destroy, after his voice gets sore for screaming this much, he falls on his knees and his rage melts into a long, liberating cry. Thomas cries, hitting the ground with his fists for a very long time, until exhaustion takes over and he ends up curled on himself, hiding his face between his hands.

He cries for a very long time and, during the entire time, Anger waits. He stands in front of Thomas, patiently waiting. He looks at how Thomas’ breath slowly calms down, how the sobs, slowly, come to an end.

After a long time, Thomas finally looks up at him.

And now, Anger asks and his tone is calm, what do you want to do?

Thomas sits on the floor. His face is still wet with tears, but his eyes are brighter, more focused, clearer. He has a lot of problems to solve, he says.

Start from the oldest, Anger suggests, with a simple shrug.

Thomas looks at him, then lowers his head. He gets up and sits on the couch. He gets as straight as possible and takes a deep, long breath.

Okay, Thomas says and his tone is firm, as well as the expression on his face. Time to give Logan the confrontation he has been waiting for all of his life.

Thomas closes his eyes.

_______________________________

END CARD

The camera pans to show us a location: a beach, the sea, the sun on the waves, a lighthouse. In front of it, there is a small line of rocks extending into the sea.

The camera shows us someone walking along these rocks. We don’t see the face, just its back: it’s a figure dressed in black.

The figure walks on the rocks and reaches the lighthouse. We see a hand opening the black door. With a flick of a blue tie, the figure enters the lighthouse and closes the door behind him.

_______________________________

AUTHOR’S NOTE

If you’re queer, you probably met people who told you stuff like this. People who don’t reject you entirely, who care about you. But are not able to accept that part of you.

I chose this and not the typical “I hate you because you’re gay, now get out of my house”, because there are already a lot of examples of that. I wanted to focus on something a little grayer, because I believe this is a lot more painful - especially for the queer person.

If a member of your family straight-up hates you, it’s “easier” to hate them in full. But if a family member still loves and cares about you and tells you all the time, while also telling all the wrong things - and not because they want to hurt you, but because they want to help you… that’s hard to bear. You have to balance the affection you feel for them, with their inability to handle that specific topic.

You might be able to do it. But you might snap too and end up saying everything you kept inside to not hurt them.

I chose that solution, as a perfect example of all of Character!Thomas’ life: he always avoided confrontation, until confrontation hit him in the face. And Anger, by being the embodiment of all the jealousy, disgust and fury Thomas always felt, knows all of this even too well. All he needed was a moment to throw everything out. To show Thomas the truth. And, consequently, to break him down completely.

But why? Because Thomas needed to break down. He cannot just feel bad for a while, then forget everything and keep going without actually solving any problem. Only after fully breaking down, he can get up and start getting things done. And now, thanks to Anger’s suggestion, he decided to start from the oldest problem.

Speaking of the endcard: why a lighthouse? Because I’m weak about my headcanon and because lighthouses are cool. But they work too, you’ll see ;)

The lighthouse I chose as a reference is this one (link 1 + link 2): the Cape Florida Lighthouse. That’s in Mr. Sanders’ state, so it shouldn’t be too difficult to reach it. Also, it’s very similar to the one I imagined.

( Support me on Ko-fi )

_______________________________

TAGLIST:

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[f1-birb]

thank you for saying what you did on that last ask about the fandom babying lando. this is not meant disrespectfully and is not aimed at that anon, it's meant in a general sense, but i wish people would stop doing it & projecting the image of this insecure, helpless, needy young boy on him. even from the little we see of him on screen & social media and not personally knowing him at all, it's obvious he is not those things and that he has a core of steel in there - they all have, however nice they may be, or they wouldn't survive in f1. for instance from things daniel has said in recent interviews, one of the things that has done him over this year & put him out of the sport is the mental side of things for him just as much as his physical struggles with the mclaren car. some fans really underestimate just how mentally tough & self-sufficient these guys have to be to do what they do, even though they have support teams around them (like lando has john & mark b & his parents).

lando is not a child, he's a grown ass man who is succeeding & thriving at the top of one of the most ruthless sporting environments in existence. even when he was shy & anxious by his own admission when he first entered f1, he never came across as someone who NEEDED support from his teammates (doesn't mean he didn't appreciate support they gave but there's a difference). if anyone's support was NEEDED (I use needed loosely), and i'm only going here on things he himself has said on streams & in interviews, it was mclaren giving him a safe environment to grow & be himself and also to talk about & work on his mental health without fear of rejection or ridicule, which anyone who has mental health struggles knows is so important. like most people in the world, he probably does draw a lot from his friendships just like his friends probably draw a lot from him in return - look what max fewtrell has said on streams about how lando is his ride or die & how much lando supported & helped him when fewtrell was at his really low point in the last couple of years. carlos has hinted a few times both last year & this year that he & lando are each other's sounding board in f1 and from the very little we see of it, their friendship appears to be very much mutually supportive. and though we don't know if this is actually the case, for all we know daniel may well have drawn on their friendship/kinship/whatever when things were bad at mclaren for him this season, as most people tend to draw on those immediately around them when times are rough, even if it's just to have a laugh with someone and lighten the load for a little bit.

i find it weird that we have all watched lando quite clearly mature & branch out this year, throwing himself into & publicly sharing new hobbies without giving a shit whether people think he's good at it or not, visibly more confident & comfortable voicing what he wants to say in front of the camera even if he still ties himself in knots or gets himself in trouble at times (his speech about seb on sky after the abu dhabi finale was just wonderful & such a sign of how mature he's becoming) and him very much thriving in the proxy-team leader role at mclaren. and yet some people still view him as a needy insecure child. sorry for the rant, i've been wanting to say this stuff for ages as it's something that really bugs me.

There's not a lot I can add to this but

- Lando is a snippy, sarcastic, elbows out little gremlin now and I love that for him, the comments he's made to shitty interviewers, or said in response to certain comments from other drivers (looking at two in red recently ngl) show he's not there to take bullshit lying down and he's standing up for himself

- Lando speaking up about mental health the way he did, especially as a young male in a high performance sport, was amazing of him and I'm glad he's only been even more encouraged by his fellow drivers doing the same (the way he looked to Seb and Seb gave him that proud little nod as if to say 'we all know you've spoken out about it and that's great')

- His maturity when being asked about his long contract with McLaren, the conviction he has and the dedication to the team even when comments from interviewers have been doubtful - more of him sticking up for himself and his decisions

- His entire interview with Sky and George and Seb, and his little speech when asked about what Seb's done for him and the sport and young drivers - I was so so proud and emotional because he said about needing to find his voice and he is and he's done it on his own, not being babied to it, but he's grown as a person and done it himself

Don't be sorry, I've said I'm always open to lend ears to rants, but it's something I agree on. I may look at him and go "baby, baby boy, he's so cute" but there's the full acknowledgement that he's a grown man (pretty sure I've even spieled before about his evolution from 2019 Lando to now)

[silverbladexyz]

ahhhh omg congrats on the milestone!! So deserved!!

If you don't mind, I'd like a siblings figure match up please :). My mbti is an istj, I'm quiet and shy but I can have small talk with people who start conversations first because starting conversations scares me. I'm the serious about school friend, so my social life is very minimal.

Anyway, I'd say there aren't really people I don't get along with because I barely talk to anyone lmao, but i do find people who arent hardworkers annoying, like i wont say it or show it outwardly, but they do ge on mu nerves. Pronouns are she/her and I'm short.

As you know, I play the piano and I guess writing fanfiction is a hobby haha.

I'm caught up in the manga but haven't read any of the light novels.

Thanm you so much in advance! Hope the info I've given is sufficient!

QUIIIIIIIIIIIIII MY FELLOW ANIME FAN, TWOSETTER, AND CLASSICAL MUSIC STAN <333 TYSM, AND I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR RESULT! 😁

The image used is not mine. It belongs to it's original owner.

Calculating...

Your sibling figure is... ATSUSHI NAKAJIMA!!!

-Atsushi doesn't really mind your shyness, but if you want him to, he can do the talking for you. I don't think Atsushi is that shy that he wouldn't be able to hold a normal conversation

-He doesn't mind your quietness too! I feel like he would appreciate having someone whom he can sit in comfortable silence with and not worry about having to make conversation

-Atsushi admires your seriousness towards your grades. He'll try to help you with your schoolwork, and if he can't, he'll encourage you and remind you to take breaks <33

-As we all know, Atsushi is very hard-working, so you'll rarely ever see him slacking off. However, he is more than happy to stop what he's doing to spend some quality time with you

-He is interested in the piano. Growing up in the orphanage, he never really had the chance to listen to music, yet learn it. So he naturally was curious about the instrument, and he would gladly accept if you proposed to teach him how to play it (I recommend teaching him how to play Canon in D first... on second thought maybe not ehehe)

-Introduce him to bubble tea and classical music! Atsushi is more than happy to try out new things with you, and he actually has self-control when he buys bubble tea. And as for classical music, he'll listen to all of your recommendations. I headcanon that he would like Chopin or Liszt

-If you're ever insecure about your height, Atsushi will comfort you while listing off how great of a person you were, regardless of how tall you are. He never teases you for your height, and he will scold other people (*cough* Dazai) if they tease you for your shortness

-He'll never judge or tease you for your interests and hobbies, and he will be very supportive of you every step of the way. Just... please don't break any laws or burn down Yokohama /lh

-Also, being his younger sister figure also means that Kyouka is your sister figure too. She loves you in a sisterly way and will not hesitate to cut down anyone that is bad to you

-Atsushi is pretty protective over you. Since his job involves dealing with criminal organisations, he wouldn't want you to be kidnapped, or worse, killed. He might even ask Kunikida to teach you some self-defense

-He will let his guard down around you, and that means being vulnerable with you as well. Please comfort him. It would mean the world to him if you hugged him and assured him that he was the best brother figure you could ever ask for

-Bonus: Atsushi is actually a fast learner on the piano. I bet he can play Flight of the Bumblebee now at 200 notes per second <33 (Jk. Atsushi's not sacrilegious and he never will be)

-Over all, Atsushi is a sweet and caring older brother figure to you. He won't hesitate to sacrifice anything to keep you safe and happy

@i-just-like-goats

[thelouvrefm]

— 𝐣𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐩𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨 . . .

♕ ( muse l / 42 / cis woman / she/her/hers ) — did you see JOSEPHINE REYES wandering around the island today? they kind of look like NATALIE PORTMAN from certain angles? i heard around town that the OWNER OF CLEAN SLATE is INNOVATIVE, and SPIRITED, but also RETICENT, and SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. people say that they remind them of A TIMER CLOSE TO HITTING ZERO, DRINKING COGNAC IN A BUBBLE BATH, and THE POUNDING OF RUNNING SHOES AGAINST COLD CONCRETE, and ALL THESE THINGS THAT I’VE DONE by THE KILLERS is definitely their theme song. they seem like a nice enough person, but we all know how hard it is to keep a pristine reputation in a small town. ( lauryn / 22 / cst / she/her/hers )

b a c k g r o u n d —

[ ! ] TRIGGER WARNING : MENTION OF RELIGION, DIVORCE, STEALING, LEGAL TROUBLE, PARENTAL DEATH

 001. a doted on only child born in kings haven in 1980. josephine’s childhood was normal and about as far from traumatizing as it gets. her parents were loving and had sufficiently prepared for the arrival of their baby girl. they were well off and had plenty of help from josephine’s grandparents. josephine was given every resource imaginable growing up and all the support her parents could muster up.

 002. josephine’s parents were jewish, and she was raised accordingly. while her parents were raised in orthodox judaism, they grew to practice reform judaism. though they seemed committed to raising josephine in judaism at first, their efforts dwindled as time went on until they were the family who just observed the “important” holidays.

 003. josephine was a fairly average child, but the influx of resources gave her more opportunities and strengthened her strong attributes. she was probably a little bit smarter than the average kid, nothing near gifted, but her at home studies paired with her school teachings helped build her intellect. from a young age, josephine also exhibited an interest in art. so, of course, her parents would sit down with her and an art teacher every other day to hone her craft. her interest was mostly in watercolor paintings, though she dabbled in varying art and pottery mediums as a way to figure out what amused her.

 004. a happy and well adjusted child, josephine had many friends and was involved in a couple after school programs like girl scouts and soccer. she was vibrant and described as a ray of sunshine. and who would expect anything different with a life like hers? only, as she grew older, while nothing around her changed, what was inside of her did.

 005. there was an introspection and discipline that came naturally to josephine from her years of gentle parenting. josephine was well aware of her privilege and security as she aged, and there was an ever-growing need inside of her to self destruct. looking at it from an outside perspective was funny, a girl with a perfect life looking for reasons to be sad. but the thought behind it was really quite simple: there was a monotony in her routine that left her with the absence of excitement.

 006. josephine made a real effort in fending off that need to self destruct, but life sought to equal the balance. her parents announced their separation when josephine was 12 years old. it came as a shock to the young girl. perhaps there were warning signs, hushed arguments heard from down the hall, the slow disintegration of their religious practices, more silence at the dinner table than usual… but divorce? josephine hardly even understood the concept.

 007. those resources that were once available to josephine slowly began to dwindle as the logistics of the separation took up much of her parents’ time. josephine began to recede within her own mind, lacking the usual outside presence that she was accustomed to. as it turns out, her thoughts were very loud. social isolation became somewhat of a new norm for josephine. she would sit at the lunch table with her friends still, but sleepovers and trips for ice cream were no longer existent.

 008. anger and fear plagued josephine’s mind. she experienced anger toward her parents, the changes being made in her life, the world in general. she was with her mother most of the time, during the week but no weekends, but it wasn’t the same. her once lively, dedicated mother was now relatively hollow, at least compared to her old disposition. josephine could tell she was trying to pick herself back up, but the struggle was apparent.

 009. flash forward to age 15, josephine had mostly adjusted to the changes in her life. was there some subtle lasting damage? probably. but she had much more going for her now than she did at age 12. high school was kind to josephine; she was well liked, popular even. she was starting varsity for soccer in her sophomore year. though her dedication to her schoolwork wasn’t strong, she managed to keep her grades up. it wasn’t that josephine was lacking in intellect, she was simply unmotivated. that peppy demeanor that she kept up around her friends wasn’t always present at home.

 010. see, josephine did well when other people were around. her thoughts and anxieties did not scream in her head like they did when she was alone. that same little need to destruct that was growing as a kid had grown quite large now; it was becoming hard to ignore. this led josephine to start stealing things whenever she would go to the store. it was little at first, some chapstick or a twix, until she moved onto big ticket items.

 011. she would put things in her cart and “forget” to scan them. it was a destructive habit at first, causing her to feel shame, until it turned into something else. josephine grew to look forward to these trips of hers. she would often try to outdo herself, until she was eventually caught. she had stolen a trashcan; had there not been items stashed inside, perhaps she could’ve claimed that she forgot to scan it. she ended up doing diversion to get the charge wiped from her record.

 012. kings haven being such a small town, word certainly got around. josephine was embarrassed as her friends exiled her, though the vast majority of kids couldn’t care less. it might’ve even earned her a little street cred. regardless, josephine had momentarily ruined her life enough to quiet that need of hers. when she felt it building back up, however, she found an appropriate outlet for her feelings: painting. her love of art had been rediscovered. after the divorce, josephine had grown out of painting regularly. it had produced some bad associations for her, but she felt ready to try again.

 013. soccer was switched for art clubs and local art competitions. josephine found new friends within the art community, feeling as though they were a much better fit for her. now, when she was alone, all she had to do to quiet her brain was throw herself into a project. it was easy for josephine to get lost in things, a good book or a new project. she wouldn’t be part of this world anymore, she was apart of something much greater, something beautiful.

 014. after high school, josephine went off to college to acquire a bachelor’s degree in business administration. art seemed far more tempting, but her father’s pressure to yield financial success was etched into her brain. and soon enough, josephine was married! it was a whirlwind romance for her, the fairy tale of her dreams. diego had truly charmed her, and josephine was ready to take on the world with him. they settled down, got a house, and focused on building a life together.

 015. following graduation, josephine took a job in market research. it was unfulfilling in many ways, but she convinced herself that it would get better eventually. with diego’s support and her escape via art, it was manageable. her twenties were fairly standard; she matured and had time for self exploration. the prime of her life was lived well; she had friends, family, love, beauty, and enough money to scrape by. it wasn’t until her thirties that things began to fall apart.

 016. things with diego had changed; there was an unspoken disconnect. they were meant to be open with each other, but it seemed neither one of them wanted to admit that something was different. josephine had always felt as though maybe she loved diego more than he had loved her, but it seemed like things had began deteriorating more and more. she could see his dissatisfaction growing with his life, but she had no words to help or talk it through. eventually, they were more like roommates than spouses.

 017. with this, josephine felt as though she was going crazy. there was a desperation in her to fix things, but she felt as though she would be overreacting or pushing him away further if she were to bring it up. so, she stayed quiet and suffered internally. she tried to be a positive presence around him and hoped that was enough, until eventually their time together became less frequent. josephine was spending more time alone; without much distraction outside of work, she was led her to pursue other things in her career. this led to her buying an empty gallery space.

 018. clean slate, a rather fitting name for her new business. the building was advertised as a space to be rented out for exhibits or events, funded in part by her parents. it was something to do, something to fill in the spaces of silence when she and diego ran out of things to talk about. somewhere to sit in the emptiness when it was lacking an exhibit. there was a small building connected to the space that housed a permanent rotation of local art and photography, offering prints at a price. it was a way for josephine to shine some light on local artists; it brightened her days enough to make them bearable. clean slate didn’t pull in the big bucks, but it was sufficient enough, and it was hers.

 019. unfortunately, that wasn’t built to last. not long after she turned 40, her father died of a heart attack. it was an unexpected and devastating blow that turned her world upside down for quite some time. it seemed like no one around her knew how to console her, what to say. it killed much of her spirit and motivation in ways that she hasn’t yet recovered.

 020. flash forward to now… josephine is going through somewhat of a midlife crisis, if you couldn’t tell from the convertible parked outside of her house that she just traded her old car in for. often times, diego doesn’t even sleep in their home. she has silently wondered where he goes all the time, but she wouldn’t dare to ask. there is perhaps a small part of her that doesn’t want to seem like the nagging wife, even if there is some growing resent that’s getting harder to ignore. josephine doesn’t want to admit that perhaps their marriage is over. that would mean admitting that she had wasted nearly half of her life, that she was going down the same path as her parents. no, she couldn’t do that… but that little need to self destruct is growing again, and she’s not quite sure how to stop it.

[ ! ] TLDR : was super loved and well cared for as a kid until her parents got divorced. has this need to self destruct that is ever-present, though art helps. got in trouble for stealing in her adolescence, ended up getting a bachelor’s degree in business administration. eventually opened up clean slate (an exhibition space) and is now in a failing marriage

p e r s o n a l i t y —

 001. josephine presents herself in a certain way to the outside world. while she is generally polite and sometimes soft spoken in public, she is incredibly spirited and has a raging fire inside of her. josephine sometimes needs some help breaking out of her shell, but when she does, she is a sight to behold. she is fun, wild, compassionate. this was mostly how she presented herself in her 20s, but as time went on, she began to feel buried and that nature of hers is now harder to access.

 002. her creativity and vivid imagination benefit her art in a variety of ways. josephine isn’t exactly known for being entirely rooted in reality; she is a bit out of touch and a bit out of it in general. she seeks more than this life could offer her, which is why she tries to escape through her art. there is a feeling that she possess that grows with time and encourages her to self destruct. when she listens to that feeling and takes action, it seems to quiet for a while. josephine is typically a patient person; the only time this isn’t the case is when she’s already very frustrated.

 003. it could be the multiple cups of coffee she consumes on the daily, but josephine is a pretty jittery person. she can appear on edge to people who don’t know her very well. josephine is generally very career oriented, especially when there’s a lack in her relationships, or in her life in general. her communication could certainly use some work, but josephine’s sympathetic and compassionate nature has made it so that building relationships with people aren’t too difficult for her. josephine has a hard time verbalizing her thoughts and emotions, so she is more likely to hide them.

about. statistics. headcanons. connections.

[erlynmae]

INKPRINT VENDOPRO: IT'S A WRAP!

Like how autumn and relationships come to an end in this approaching winter, this business venture journey comes to a close; to face another season ahead.

The last few weeks have not been easy. It was the weeks of revision, multiple product validation, and application of the things we learned from our Entrepreneurial Mind subject so far. In our final pitch, we produced the best that we could to give an output that would be qualified and substantial enough to call a ‘business venture’. Yet, the turn of events was never smooth at all. We faced multiple questions, and errors, with nothing but embarrassment because we felt like we'd never done it right, even after all the weeks and months of effort.

We were slammed with questions we've got no answers to. We came in confident and came out weary. However, we’ve learned from that experience how important it is to mindfully create financial statements, to surely validate the feasibility of the business as well as the costs, and most importantly, to listen and apply suggestions and advice from mentors.

With those final moments, we've experienced a new type of feeling, but something we will never call ‘failing’. With all the sleepless nights, with all the struggles to make ends meet, and facing our fears to speak in front of the panelists, make the frightening final pitching a memorable and worthwhile experience.

It is due to Ma'am Lovely being a responsible instructor that we learned how to cope with the aftermath of our business venture. She, from the very start, has already reminded us how a start-up business requires strong will, determination, and multiple backup plans until we’re left with nothing. She has taught us what it means to be humble, to persevere, and most importantly the essence of a business that does not only benefit the entrepreneurs but that should have an impact and should benefit its community. She's a woman of empathy and compassion. We wouldn't have made it this far without her guidance.

Moreover, we believe that in this, we've put our utmost best. It was never as smooth as a marble countertop, and it was not always rainbows and sunshine. We don't always agree with each other’s opinions and ideas, but we have unitedly come to support each other hand in hand, from the crafting of the business title to the making of PowerPoint presentations. Even in a short period, we learned a lot from each other. We learned how to be extra patient, to be understanding of the situations of others, to be open-minded to ideas, and to be cooperative.

A goal would be hard to achieve when it's only hand working. But with the group working together, we are able. It was never easy, but with people you know who have your back, everything feels light and bearable.

Hence, for almost four good months, this Entrepreneurial journey has come to an end. Thank you so much! To God be the Glory.

Insights/Learnings:

It's never been easy to craft a business venture, hence, I learned that good communication is the key to understanding. Without cooperation and unity, this business venture would have ended early and would never have existed, but thanks to my group mates, we made it 'to the finish line, I realized that building a business venture is not easy; it requires effort, patience, and sufficient knowledge in all aspects related to the venture you are creating. That's why I learned to be patient, listen to everyone's opinions, and accept that not every idea or opinion you want to contribute to the group is accepted in all situations. I also gathered some insights that if you lack interest in creating a business venture, you will not make it possible, and if you are not the type of person to accept rejection, you cannot grow. I also learned that we all need a helping hand, to help us make it, get through it, guide us on what to do, and give us knowledge on how to start a business venture and make it to the end, thanks to our beautiful instructor, Ma'am Lovely, who helped me grow. Lastly, I learned that it is important to learn and accept all the things, situations—you name it, for you to be aware next time, and to prevent the wrong actions from happening again.

(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡

Logo for our dear business venture, InkPrint VendoPro!💗

This was the time we were planning what venture we should make 🤔 by performing interviews to students around CMU.

Planning time 🥰

💗💗💗

The end.

[truckfreaks]

I wish i didnt answer the fucking phone. And I feel so fucking irredeemably guilty for saying that, but it's true

Sitting in the backyard and trying to identify the grapevine I just found. I get a call from my aunt. Usually it's because my nephew, who she takes to school in the morning, asks to say good morning to me. So I don't think anything of it.

She tells me, "listen, I'm really sorry to do this but I'm not calling with good news. Your mother called me several times last night and she definitely relapsed, she was screaming on the phone for hours. She wasn't making any sense, but she kept asking what she can do to make things right between you and her. She wants to ask you but she's afraid. I think shes suicidal again."

I didn't really know what to say besides the truth. She (my mother) already knows the answer. I've told her countless times. She needs to go inpatient - not some cushy detox for a week or two. She needs actual fucking inpatient psych and substance use treatment. I work with people just like her every single day. I deal with it constantly. I know it's possible. But it takes work and commitment and you need to have no outside distractions. She can't just try to do this and simultaneously hold a job and try to act like everything is fine. She needs to go away somewhere and get well and find help and connect with people who understand the hurt and ache that we unfortunately are genetically fucking cursed with in this family.

But my aunt goes on. She tells me about all the things my mother was saying: how next year she'll have been in Florida for a decade, but she's no happier or more stable than she was when she first went. She can't hold a job. She has no friends, no support system (because my grandparents refuse to even call to check on her when she relapses, thanks to AL Anon bullshit).

She tells me that she kept saying she refuses to go to jail. She says she came to Florida to "protect" my grandparents and pretty soon she "won't be able to" anymore. She says some odd variation on the usual: "does [nephew] even understand the concept of love? Does he feel supported? Does he know that he does not have to end up like this?" Usually those words were reserved for my cousin, but now that there is a new baby in the mix, I guess she's projecting it onto him.

She says she will "do anything" to understand how to connect with me, but she doesn't think it's possible, and she doesn't think I would care if she died. She says she wishes grandma and grandpa were dead so that she didn't have to "protect" them anymore. She says neither of them even know where they are (not true. My grandparents are entirely self sufficient and no mental deficit or dementia at all). Nobody (my aunt and my cousin, listening in) understood what she was talking about.

Then, like usual, after calling my aunt several times over the course of five or six hours, she just. stopped. Me and my aunt talked about it a good deal this morning, but ultimately decided a wellness check was probably a terrible idea, since, yknow. Cops kill people when they do wellness checks on the mentally ill.

I know she is probably triggered because of uncle frankie's birthday/death. I get it. I really do. Having to deal with your dead siblings birthday and murder happening within less than a week of one another is terrible. But it isn't an excuse. He wouldn't want it to be an excuse either. And, he is gone. She's still here.

Its kind of wild, actually. We talked to her on Sunday, after we got back from the cemetery. I got on the call because I know half the reason why she is like this is because of the grief she deals with regarding Uncle Frankie. She was... jarringly normal. Even my aunt agreed - it was the first time in a long time we had talked to her and she didn't seem just positively manic.

I look at her and I see parts of myself I hate so, so, so much. It breaks my heart. Because I know how badly it hurts, this rot that just lives inside you and grows and grows. Its awful. My mother is so smart, so ridiculously talented, so compassionate. She feels very, very much. I know she feels like nobody understands her. I know she feels alone. And I know what that feels like, and I know how badly it hurts. But the difference is I know that there's something wrong with me and I take steps to address it. I'm in therapy two to three times a week. I take a cocktail of meds every day. I find things to love about life that aren't hinging on someone else loving me or respecting me, or being successful, or reaping some reward.

Because, like. When you are like this, you have to. Otherwise life is... literally without point. You have to make your own meaning. Nobody can give it to you. But she wants someone to give it to her. She wants me to call her and treat her like a mother and give her purpose - Yes, Christine, Now you are a mother. Except what she doesn't get is, she's always been a mother. She didn't know what to do with it. That's... not my fault. I can't fix her. Nobody can. She needs to fix herself. I derive NO joy from knowing there is nothing I can do to help my mother. This isn't some kind of point of pride, or "self care" to cut toxic people out of your life, or something like that. I just. Can't. I am just as helpless as everyone else. She has the power but she thinks she doesn't. And if she doesn't go inpatient and figure it out, it is going to eat her alive and it is going to kill her.

I didn't even tell my aunt about what happened at the doctor yesterday. I don't have it in me. I can't put more on them. She told me she'll check in again on mom. Then she had to go. She said she would keep me updated.

She says she's afraid mom killed herself last night after she stopped calling. I don't know what to do with that.

editing to say someone finally got in contact but frankly I have no idea what's going on. and i think i don't even have the capacity to try ro tackle this today.

[nihcas09]

The Evolution of a Self-Centered Soul: Embracing a Life of Love and Connection

Have you ever felt like you were sleepwalking through life, going through the same thing day after day with no true meaning or purpose? That was my situation not long ago. Life was all about pursuing the next progress, purchasing the latest electronic substance, and engaging in shallow relationships that never entirely crammed the void within I was dangling through in autopilot, heading nowhere fast, until a few remarkable people entered my life and startled me awake. They saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself, and they loved me in a manner that horrified and altered me. This is the tale of how a few important connections flipped my life upside down and started me on the path to becoming alive. It's time to buckle up; it's going to be a wild ride.

I was hesitant to allow anyone to get close to me because I felt it would make me weak. For years, I was proud of my independence and self-sufficiency. I avoided emotional bonds and commitment as an adult. Relationships were solely physical to me—a method to satisfy wants and desires. I was frightened of having to rely on someone else. What if they abandon me? What if they cause me harm? It seems safer to be alone. But, deep down, I want closeness. I was curious about what it felt like to be fully seen and understood by another person. To share the ups and downs of life with a supportive companion. But my dread of being exposed was paralysing.

Growing up, I was always the least attractive fowl. I didn't feel comfortable approaching people or establishing new friends. When I was subjected to criticism it was never prosperous. No one thought about me until they needed someone to humiliate. I built hedges in all of my interactions because I was afraid that others might use my secrets against me later. Because of my inferiority issue, I became self-centered. I didn't place a high priority on emotional ties or understanding others. Because of my fears and distrust of people, I avoided closeness and pushed others away.

Back in college, I thought that wealth and authority were the answers to all of life's issues. I used to believe that acquiring wealth was the only way to achieve power and control over my everyday affairs. Money and prestigious possessions such as an expensive automobile, a fancy home, and fashionable clothes were important indicators of achievement. Relationships were more of an external demand to me than a mental necessity. My family and friends rarely saw the real me, and I was emotionally estranged from them. This was how I functioned for many years. But, over time, an emptiness began to emerge within me.

My year off after graduation proved to be one of enormous growth and self-realization. I was able to reflect on my life choices and priorities while away from the everyday grind. I realised I had grown estranged from my friends and family. My self-centered, heartless approach left me unsatisfied and empty. My fresh viewpoint enabled me to prioritise relationships and create closer bonds with family members. I tried hard to reestablish trust and convey thanks to those who had always been there for me.

Putting myself in the position of others let me realise how foolish I was in misjudging my parents. I observed how much they had given up in order to provide for me. Two months apart from my family helped me realise how important they were to me. I never noticed or appreciated all the tiny things they did out of concern and care until they were no longer there. My parents adored me above all else, and everything they did was motivated by that pure love. I took their regular praise and support for granted. My buddies, who psychologically adopted me, were like family to me. For the first time, I felt a longing for someone not linked by blood. The comfort, humour, and closeness we experienced helped us get through the difficult times. Their kindness and warmth were a blessing. They demanded nothing in return and provided without expecting anything in return.

Relationships used to be only a material requirement for me, but my perspectives have shifted. Relationships, I've realised, are the cornerstone for a meaningful life filled with purpose and fulfilment in life. The connections we create and the ties we form with others are what define us as humans. I have a renewed respect for all of my interactions, from family and friends to neighbours and coworkers. Everyone has worth, and connecting with others provides endless opportunities to learn and improve.It was an emotional reunion when I returned home after those two months. That's when I realised that home is where the heart is, and my heart would always be with my family. The embraces, laughing, and delight we felt when we saw one other again were beautiful reminders of our deep love. I am glad for the second chance to develop an even deeper relationship with my family based on understanding, communication, and gratitude. The path that led me to this point in my life has changed me into a new person, moulded my thoughts, and provided me with knowledge beyond my years.

My path to fulfilment began with friends who listened without judgement and gave support. During the lockdown, I had extended phone chats with a few close pals in which we candidly discussed our problems. Their willingness to listen without judgement to my deepest thoughts and secrets assisted me in working through feelings that I had hidden for years. They supported me even when I was self-centered and heartless. They attentively listened as I poured my heart out about previous regrets and my wish for change throughout our calls. Their compassion and sensitivity aided me in beginning to repair past scars. My friends, with whom I spoke during the lockdown, revealed their own struggles with despair and the search for meaning. Their candour and knowledge gave me hope that I, too, might change my life. Our open, honest chats forged a profound bond and assisted me in confronting my inner emptiness.

While empathy and compassion were important, I also needed people to be tough on me and call me out when I fell back into old behaviours. When I protested, my friends, who had always been forthright, did not sugarcoat things. They reminded me that my selfish behaviour was causing harm to people closest to me. Though it was difficult to hear, his candour and truthfulness discussions bolstered my commitment to improve. Friends also revealed uncomfortable realities regarding my obsessive interests. Their constructive critique, along with compassion and support, provided me with the impetus I needed to make significant adjustments. Though I was first resistant, their comments rang in my mind and emotions, assisting me in breaking free from old habits. My road was long, but the people who listened, shared their emotions, and offered me harsh love were crucial in assisting me in finding contentment. I'm grateful to them for seeing my potential even when I couldn't see it myself. Their faith in me gave me the confidence to trust in myself.

Samarth and Gouri were the first to teach me the meaning of unconditional love and caring. Their kindness and empathy thawed my calcareous heart, allowing me to trust and care about others. They taught me that relationships are built on mutual understanding, trust, and being there for one another. You are the reason I now live each day as a fresh opportunity to promote love throughout the world.

Rohan and Sukanya taught me the genuine meaning of friendship and community. Despite our disparate origins, they embraced me with open arms. Their generosity and optimism pushed me to be a kinder and more compassionate friend. Having you as pals has made my life richer. Thank you for assisting in transforming my limited vision of relationships into one in which I may experience the delight of sharing life's moments with others. I have had an indelible influence on the person I am now. My heart is overflowing with thanks for your love, generosity, and compassion. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping to shape who I am today. Your influence on my life is incalculable.

“My story of transformation would not have been possible without you four”

The transformational path is continuous. Every day is a new chance to learn and grow as a better, more compassionate person. Here are some of the things I've learnt along the way: Life goes quickly. One day I'm young and full of potential, and the next I'm thinking on decades gone by. I now value every minute and the people in my life. Make time to accomplish simple things with tremendous affection. I no longer live with regret. I am willing to risk failure in order to achieve my aspirations and passions. "Whatever you do or dream, you can start it," as the phrase goes. Every day, the journey continues. My metamorphosis was the consequence of modest adjustments over time as a result of lessons learnt and love provided. I still have a long way to go, but if I can stop to appreciate the little things, be kind wherever possible, and follow my interests, I know I'm on the right track. When I discovered my revolutionary route towards a life of meaning, purpose, and love, the benefits were immense.

The path from inner emptiness to a life full of meaning and purpose The voyage converted a man concerned with financial prosperity into someone who discovered genuine riches in relationships. I thought I had it all figured out at first. That life was nothing more than a game of amassing as much money and physical pleasure as possible. However, life had other ideas. It brought me some wonderful people who noticed my potential and believed in me. They taught me what is important in this life. Family. Neighbourhood. Finding Meaning and Purpose Leaving a Legacy I'm not the same person I was when this narrative began. And I will be eternally thankful. The trek was lengthy, but the reward was well worth it. Cheers to fresh beginnings and living life to the fullest. Cheers to the power of love and connection to transform me in ways I never expected. Cheers to the adventure that went through me. 

Dear SaGo and RoSu,

I wanted to take a minute to convey my heartfelt appreciation to the four of you for having such a tremendous influence on my life. Your presence and affection have changed me from a self-centered and emotionless individual to one who loves family and enjoys the warmth of those who love him. When I reflect on my trip, I realise how fortunate I am to have met all of you. You have taught me the true meaning of compassion and kindness, as well as the value of genuine friendships. I was lost in my world until I met you, disconnected from the feelings and needs of others around me. But you showed me that when we open our hearts, life becomes so much more fulfilling. You four have created an environment in which I feel protected, loved, and valued. You've showed me that family is more than genetic ties and that we may choose to be surrounded by individuals who bring out the best in us. You have welcomed me into your life and enabled me to feel the warmth of a genuine family. Your acts have not only changed my life, but also my outlook on the world. I've realised how much joy there is in selflessly giving to others, being there in the lives of those we care about, and fostering relationships based on trust, love, and mutual support. I will be eternally thankful for the positive implications you have made on my life. You have assisted me in shedding the layers of self-centeredness and embracing the joy of connecting on a deeper level with others. You've shown me that genuine pleasure is found in the love we give and receive, the memories we make, and the ties we form. As I begin this new chapter in my life, I pledge to keep your teachings with me at all times. I aspire to be someone who exudes love, compassion, and empathy. I want to make a home that is full of laughter, warmth, and a sense of belonging. And I want to keep developing the connections that have provided me so much fulfilment. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for being the guiding light in my life. I will be eternally thankful for your love, reassurance, and bonding. May our bonds of camaraderie grow deeper with every passing moment. 

With love and appreciation,

NIHCAS

[j-edwards]

I'm feeling angry today. I'm 29 years old, and I've lived my life the same way for 28 of those years. For 28 years, I thought struggle, pain, numbness, and just a lack of desire for life were normal. What do you mean people wake up in a good mood? People FEEL things other than negativity? I'm not saying I've never felt happiness, but outside situational emotions, I didn't know people still felt things. I thought emotions were brought on when something happened. What I'm learning now is that through YEARS of emotional neglect, trauma, and undiagnosed ADHD which then triggered some heavy bouts of depression is a lack of emotional regulation. ND folks can already have an uphill battle with emotional regulation, so I believe my body saw numbness in survival mode and kept me there. It didn't know how to regulate what it was feeling and just decided not to feel at all. Feeling emotions for what I believe is the first time in my life is hard to battle. I feel like I'm a gangly giraffe learning to walk for the first time, tripping and falling, unaware of where my limbs are. It's really hard not to revert back to the toxic ways I know, the yelling and screaming, calling people names, threatening to leave if no change is made, and completely stone walling. It's hard, really hard, not to break down when expressing emotions because it triggers feelings of vulnerability. Talking through things with the help of my husband has given me a safe space to allow my feelings to be heard and to feel validated. He grew up in a home that regulated emotions, apologized, and checked in with one another. He has more practice than I do. He never yells, he listens, sometimes he says the wrong thing (wrong in the sense that it may not be what I wanted to hear) and we've been working on communicating what we need in that moment. I feel late to the party. I feel like Cady from Mean Girls, she shows up late, walks into a room full of people in slutty costumes and they're all stairing at her in her "ex-wife" costume. She's confused, feels like she sticks out, feels left out. Ultimately, I feel failed. Completely and utterly failed. I have 2 biological parents who had absolutely no business having children, one step dad that is completely checked out and unaware, and thankfully an ex step mom who literally didn't give one single shit about me or my well being. I feel like I showed up to work, and everything's in diseray, a complete and utter mess, and everyone's just sitting there on their phone. I walk in like "hellooooo?!" What the fuck happened here? Why is this place a disaster, and why is no one working? They just shrug, "eh" we wanted to try doing it, didn't work out like we thought, so you can do it now, but we're not cleaning it up or keeping ourselves accountable. I'm just standing there thinking what the fuck. I just feel so neglected. Growing up, I had this idea of my mom that I idolized, I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to grow up to be strong, independent, driven, and self-sufficient. Now, this is the last thing I want. When I (emotionally) grow up, I want to be loved, accepted, safe, and unmasked. I feel betrayed. I feel let down. I'm just so, so angry. I think this has a large influence on why I don't want kids. I think back to my childhood and remember how lonely I was. I could never, and would never want to put a child through what I have experienced in life. I don't believe that I could give a child the life they deserved. Not a life I would enjoy simultaneously. Seeing what supportive parents are supposed to look like has been a very eye-opening experience for me. Feeling love and support from my in-laws has allowed me to heal a part in my trauma. Having a supportive family in general. A sister who loves, supports, and trusts me is just a feeling I could never explain. Having that support has been one of the biggest helping hands through my healing journey. For once, I'm starting to feel valued for who I am, not what I bring or do.