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mostlysignssomeportents · 1 year

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When Facebook came for your battery, feudal security failed

When George Hayward was working as a Facebook data-scientist, his bosses ordered him to run a “negative test,” updating Facebook Messenger to deliberately drain users’ batteries, in order to determine how power-hungry various parts of the apps were. Hayward refused, and Facebook fired him, and he sued:

https://nypost.com/2023/01/28/facebook-fires-worker-who-refused-to-do-negative-testing-awsuit/

If you’d like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here’s a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/02/05/battery-vampire/#drained

Hayward balked because he knew that among the 1.3 billion people who use Messenger, some would be placed in harm’s way if Facebook deliberately drained their batteries — physically stranded, unable to communicate with loved ones experiencing emergencies, or locked out of their identification, payment method, and all the other functions filled by mobile phones.

As Hayward told Kathianne Boniello at the New York Post, “Any data scientist worth his or her salt will know, ‘Don’t hurt people…’ I refused to do this test. It turns out if you tell your boss, ‘No, that’s illegal,’ it doesn’t go over very well.”

Negative testing is standard practice at Facebook, and Hayward was given a document called “How to run thoughtful negative tests” regarding which he said, “I have never seen a more horrible document in my career.”

We don’t know much else, because Hayward’s employment contract included a non-negotiable binding arbitration waiver, which means that he surrendered his right to seek legal redress from his former employer. Instead, his claim will be heard by an arbitrator — that is, a fake corporate judge who is paid by Facebook to decide if Facebook was wrong. Even if he finds in Hayward’s favor — something that arbitrators do far less frequently than real judges do — the judgment, and all the information that led up to it, will be confidential, meaning we won’t get to find out more:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/06/12/hot-coffee/#mcgeico

One significant element of this story is that the malicious code was inserted into Facebook’s app. Apps, we’re told, are more secure than real software. Under the “curated computing” model, you forfeit your right to decide what programs run on your devices, and the manufacturer keeps you safe. But in practice, apps are just software, only worse:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/06/23/peek-a-boo/#attack-helicopter-parenting

Apps are part what Bruce Schneier calls “feudal security.” In this model, we defend ourselves against the bandits who roam the internet by moving into a warlord’s fortress. So long as we do what the warlord tells us to do, his hired mercenaries will keep us safe from the bandits:

https://locusmag.com/2021/01/cory-doctorow-neofeudalism-and-the-digital-manor/

But in practice, the mercenaries aren’t all that good at their jobs. They let all kinds of badware into the fortress, like the “pig butchering” apps that snuck into the two major mobile app stores:

https://arstechnica.com/information-technology/2023/02/pig-butchering-scam-apps-sneak-into-apples-app-store-and-google-play/

It’s not merely that the app stores’ masters make mistakes — it’s that when they screw up, we have no recourse. You can’t switch to an app store that pays closer attention, or that lets you install low-level software that monitors and overrides the apps you download.

Indeed, Apple’s Developer Agreement bans apps that violate other services’ terms of service, and they’ve blocked apps like OG App that block Facebook’s surveillance and other enshittification measures, siding with Facebook against Apple device owners who assert the right to control how they interact with the company:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/12/10/e2e/#the-censors-pen

When a company insists that you must be rendered helpless as a condition of protecting you, it sets itself up for ghastly failures. Apple’s decision to prevent every one of its Chinese users from overriding its decisions led inevitably and foreseeably to the Chinese government ordering Apple to spy on those users:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/11/foreseeable-consequences/#airdropped

Apple isn’t shy about thwarting Facebook’s business plans, but Apple uses that power selectively — they blocked Facebook from spying on Iphone users (yay!) and Apple covertly spied on its customers in exactly the same way as Facebook, for exactly the same purpose, and lied about it:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/14/luxury-surveillance/#liar-liar

The ultimately, irresolvable problem of Feudal Security is that the warlord’s mercenaries will protect you against anyone — except the warlord who pays them. When Apple or Google or Facebook decides to attack its users, the company’s security experts will bend their efforts to preventing those users from defending themselves, turning the fortress into a prison:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/10/20/benevolent-dictators/#felony-contempt-of-business-model

Feudal security leaves us at the mercy of giant corporations — fallible and just as vulnerable to temptation as any of us. Both binding arbitration and feudal security assume that the benevolent dictator will always be benevolent, and never make a mistake. Time and again, these assumptions are proven to be nonsense.

Image: Anthony Quintano (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Mark_Zuckerberg_F8_2018_Keynote_%2841118890174%29.jpg

CC BY 2.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/deed.en

[Image ID: A painting depicting the Roman sacking of Jerusalem. The Roman leader's head has been replaced with Mark Zuckerberg's head. The wall has Apple's 'Think Different' wordmark and an Ios 'low battery' icon.]

Next week (Feb 8-17), I'll be in Australia, touring my book *Chokepoint Capitalism* with my co-author, Rebecca Giblin. We'll be in Brisbane on Feb 8, and then we're doing a remote event for NZ on Feb 9. Next is Melbourne, Sydney and Canberra. I hope to see you!

https://chokepointcapitalism.com/

#pluralistic #manorial security #feudal security #apple #mobile #apps #security through obscurity #binding arbitration #arbitration waivers #transparency #danegeld #surveillance lag

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physalian · 3 months

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What No One Tells You About Writing #4 (100 Follower Special!)

Have you got any that deserve to be on these lists? Don’t be shy! Send ‘em over.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

*This list contains mentions of assault, #4

1. Zero cursing is better than censored cursing

I made the mistake in the early days of writing a self-censoring character, and every “curse” she said just took the teeth out of the rest of the statement. I’m talking gosh, darn, dang, etc, not world-specific idioms a la “scruffy nerf herder” or “dunderhead” instead of “dumbass”.

Look to any American TV show that so, so badly wants to use f*ck or sh*t but has to appease the sensitive conservatives who still somehow believe strong language is worse than graphic violence and horrifying psychological damage. For shame! Your characters can be angry without expletives, so rework your sentences to include equally damning insults that don’t resort to potty mouths if you’re concerned about ratings.

Or go full-throttle into the idioms of the world or the time period like Pirates of the Caribbean. Or just… don’t. There’s zero modern cursing in the Lord of the Rings adaptation and not a single sentence that censors itself. The dialogue is above vulgarity and feels more *fantastical* that way anyway.

2. “Yeah, you aren’t the target audience.”

It’s kind of hilarious seeing the range of reader reactions to two characters I intend to have a romantic relationship. Some will go “I ship it!” after the first page of them together… and another will go “wait, I thought they were just friends” up until they kiss. Sometimes you might be too subtle, other times it might be better to just accept that you can’t rewrite your entire book to please one naysayer.

When I’m pitched a fantasy adventure book that turns out to be a by-the-numbers romance where no one is allowed to be a peasant and every important character is royalty in some way, with a way cooler fantasy backdrop, I get severely disappointed. That doesn’t mean the book is bad, it just means I’m not the target audience.

3. There is no greater character sin than making them boring

Unless you live in the wacky world we find ourselves in where any flaws whatsoever are apparently harmful depictions of so-and-so and not at all written with things like ~nuance~. I will gush over your heinous villain committing atrocities because he’s *interesting*. I will not remember Bland Love Interest who’s a generic everyman with zero compelling or intriguing traits or flaws.

There’s another tumblr post out there that I cannot find that says something like this, and I believe the post goes “his crimes are fiction, my annoyance is real”. Swap annoyance for boredom and you get what I mean. So, I don’t care what your character does so long as they’re memorable. I will either root for their victory or their doom, but I do need *something* to root for.

4. The line between “gratuitous” and “respectful” is actually very thick

Less what no one tells *you* about writing and more what no one tells screenwriters. Y’all do realize you can write a character who experiences assault without actually writing the assault, right? Fade to black, have them mention it in their backstory, or have the horrific aftermath as they come to terms with it. An abrupt cut to this devastated character when it’s all over and they’re alone with themselves can be incredibly poignant and powerful. This goes with anything sensitive, especially if it’s not coming from experience.

If you want to write it or film it respectfully, romanticizing assault, for instance, is when it’s framed as if either character has earned or “deserves” it. If the narrative in any way argues that it's justified. The victim might have "earned" it for any of the BS reasons we use in the real world, or the perpetrator might've "earned" it because of temptation, desire, pressure to assert dominance, etc. Representation is important, but are you “representing” to shed light on a misunderstood and maligned topic, or are you doing it to satisfy a fetish or bias in yourself?

5. Don’t let your eyes get bigger than your stomach

Fantasy has no limitations, which means you can dig way deeper into the well of your worldbuilding than you realize, until you look up and realize you’re stuck down there. I have never seen a more obvious inevitable disaster looming than the pilot of GoT season 5. Why? Nobody has any plans. They’re all just led around by whatever side quest the writers throw them on, twiddling their thumbs until the writers deign to pull the trigger on the White Walkers.

To the point that what should be a major character can skip an entire season because his arc is meaningless. Everything in the last half of that show was one big “eventually” while the story toiled around in an ever-expanding cast of characters and set pieces (seriously, it’s hilarious how jarring the extended version of the theme music became compared to the pilot episode to fit all these locations).

When you have too many directionless characters, too many plot elements, too many ideas you want to fully mature and get their due spotlight and then somehow combine them all together for a common foe in the end, writing can get tedious and frustrating very quickly. Why, I imagine, the book series remains unfinished. Fantasy is great for being able to create such complex worlds, but don’t be the snake that eats its own tail trying too hard.

6. No one cares about your agenda if you insult them to push it

This deserves its own post but here we go. Peddling an agenda is a paradox: those who agree with you won’t need to be preached to, and those who you want to persuade will instead reject you further because they feel belittle and disrespected. This is why so many recent “strong female characters” fail on both sides of the aisle. Feminists see an annoying caricature of the movement they’re passionate about. Antifeminists see an insufferable, shallow, liberal mouthpiece when they just want to be entertained. You have failed both sides, congrats.

The answer? Write a strong, nuanced, well-developed character. Then make them a woman. I know this has been said before but this BS keeps happening so clearly the screenwriters aren’t listening. Entertain me first. Entertain me so well I don’t even realize I’m learning.

7. Today’s audiences won’t react the same way as tomorrow’s

Sometimes genres or tropes get oversaturated and need a few years to cool off before audiences are receptive to them again—teen dystopia, anyone?—that doesn’t mean your story is inherently bad because it’s unpopular (nor does it mean it’s amazing because it is popular).

You should always write the book you want to read, not the book that chases trends. I can pick up a well-written teen dystopia I’ve never read before and enjoy it. I can continue to ignore Divergent because it has nothing to say. Write the book you want to read, but then accept that you might make no money because no one else wants to read it, not because they think it’s bad. And, who knows? You might get a boom of chatter months or years down the line when readers stumble upon an uncut gem.

8. Your characters don’t age with you

Depending on how long you’ve been working on your world and what age you were when you started, the characters, concepts, morals, and story you set out to tell might no longer reflect who you want to be as an author when all is said and done. Writing can take years, some of which can be incredibly turbulent and life changing. I wrote the first draft of my first original novel in my freshman year of college. Those characters and that draft are now unrecognizable and has left a world I’ve poured my heart and soul into in limbo.

I’ve slowly creeped up my characters’ ages. My writing has matured dramatically. The themes I wanted to explore in the height of the 2016 election are just demoralizing now. That book was my therapeutic outlet and, as consequence, my characters sometimes reflect some awful moods and mindsets that I was in when writing them. But nothing in that world grows without me tending to it. It’s not alive. Despite all the work I’ve done, there’s still more to be done, maybe even restarting the plot from the ground up. When I think of what no one told me about writing, staring at characters designed by someone I’m not anymore is the hardest reality to accept.

—

If you think I missed something, check out parts 1-3 or toss your own hat into the ring. Give me romance tropes. Mystery, thriller, historical fiction, bildungsromans, memoires, children’s books, whatever you want! Give me stuff you wish you’d known before editing, publishing, marketing, and more.

Also, don’t forget to vote in the dialogue poll!

#writing advice #writing resources #writing tips #writing tools #writing a book #writing #writeblr #fantasy #sci fi #character design #what no one tells you about writing

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probablyasocialecologist · 4 months

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Bushnell did not give up in despair. He made a deliberate choice, one calculated to maximize the impact of his protest, to give appropriate weight to the atrocities being perpetrated in his name as an American and as a servicemember. He explained his thinking, chose his last words, set up a dead man’s link to ensure his sacrifice would not be censored or lost. To deny this is to deny him his agency and his humanity in his very last act. Letting the world move you is dangerous when your world is built like Omelas, perched on top of intentional suffering. Compassion for the world, for nature, for others, and for yourself means that you disturb the balance. Your weighty self shifts things as you step in to help others, making it easier for people to see behind the curtain. Once you learn about the suffering at the core of the world—and I mean really learn, have it lodged in your soul so deeply that every time your heart beats it hurts—you have only one choice to make: abandon the system and the cruelty that makes your world run, or choose it. This is the choice Bushnell has asked us to make. Do we finally acknowledge that this system is untenable? Or do we close our eyes to the agony it creates? Those mocking or denying Bushnell’s self-immolation have already allowed their fear to consume them. In attempting to shred his reputation and cast aspersions on his motives, they reveal that they are unable to recognize the best parts of ourselves—courage, honor, self-sacrifice, and compassion. It is impossible for them. To acknowledge the conviction and agony of this person is to realize that their own lives are a lie, built on pain and empty of meaning.

#aaron bushnell #palestine #israel

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258punkweight · 5 months

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i rly do think it's about time to stop with excluding teens from online lgbt spaces. a lot of us just don't have anywhere else to go

like once in spanish class our teacher showed us this article about trans women entering beauty pageants. and i heard the majority of my classmates saying transphobic shit which made my blood boil. my school has a confessions page on instagram and i see people saying bioessentialist things about who can use the girls' bathroom. despite my school having a gsa, if i was trans i would NOT feel safe here ! and i live in california which is known for being a blue state !! i imagine it's probably worse elsewhere

yes there are queer youth centers but unless u live in a major city (i don't) that's not an option. even then, a lot of lgbt kids don't have accepting parents ! going to one might be dangerous for someone in a situation like that. so for a lot of us, online is the only place we can truly be ourselves... and it can be quite disheartening to see half of who is SUPPOSED to be ur community say shit like "if ur a minor gtfo or i'll kill u !!!!!"

i'm not trying to tell u a rebranded version of "think of the children." i don't think u should censor urself. bc surprise surprise, we're human beings just like u ! human beings fully capable of filtering out the content we don't want to see !! i promise, a teenager will not explode and die if they see a boob

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delusionaldeadgirl · 8 months

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Between me and you, our little secret

summary: you and spencer work together and have been dating in secret for 2 years. your coworkers have to find out at some point

warnings: smut, people being grossly in love lol

based on my character.ai chats but without those damn censors

Looking away from his files of papers, Spencer asks “Do you have anything new?”. “Nothing yet. You?” (Y/N) replies. “Not really.” He stares at the page almost like if he looks hard enough something will change.

(Y/N) walks over towards Spencer’s desk, planting her feet right next to him. Seeing him looking so disheveled and stressed out, she quietly utters “I love you, Spence”. “I love you too” he responds as she grabs his hand, dropping it suddenly as they hear footsteps come up behind them.

“(L/N), Reid, it’s getting late. We should all head home. We have a big week ahead of us.” JJ says noticing the two are still there while she was on her way out. The three of them walk out together, (Y/N) and Spencer getting into their respective cars as well, heading to the same home.

They both walk in the door together. Spencer speaks up first. “So…” He smirks mischievously. “You know we have the weekend to ourselves”. “What is it, Spence?” (Y/N) asks. “Why don’t i make my beautiful girlfriend dinner?”. “That would be lovely” (Y/N) replies. “Great” he kisses her head “I’ll tell you when everything is ready”. “Ok baby!” (Y/N) says as she takes her shoes off and puts them by the door.

After a bit, he yells out “Dinner’s ready” and she walks towards the table. “Also… I have a surprise for you” Spencer says smiling. “A surprise?” (Y/N) asks. Without another word, Spencer walks away and comes back with a small box, handing it to (Y/N). (Y/N) opens up the box to find a necklace with both of their birthstones dangling from the chain. “It’s beautiful”. “A beautiful necklace for a beautiful girl”. He says as she stares at it in awe. He puts it on her from behind and kisses her neck as he finishes. “Are you ready to eat?” he asks and she nods in response.

After finishing dinner, the couple sits with each other on the couch and Spencer speaks up. “You’re the most beautiful person i’ve ever laid my eyes on.” “You mean it?” she asks blushing slightly. “Yes. i’ve never met anyone as sweet and beautiful as you”. He says as he puts his hand on her thigh. “I don’t know how I got so lucky.” “You’re the lucky one?” she asks before continuing. “You’re the smartest and most thoughtful person i’ve ever met. And you’re quite easy on the eyes” She says chuckling. “I’ve never seen someone so perfect”. He looks down at the ground and then back up at her before saying “You’re the best part of my day. God I want to marry you so bad. Spend the rest of my life with you and no one else”. “Then do it”. She responds. “What?” he asks, slightly caught off guard at her serious tone. “I said then do it.” She says. somehow getting more serious. ��I will. Tomorrow?”. Now she’s the one caught off guard by HIS seriousness. “Tomorrow we’re going to pick out a ring and I’m taking you to the courthouse and marrying you.” “ARE YOU SERIOUS?” she asks. “Yes. (Y/N) (L/N)? Will you be my wife?” He asks with nothing but admiration and love in his eyes. “YES A MILLION TIMES” she says jumping up and down in excitement. He picks her up bridal style, kissing her with such passion. She whimpers slightly making him smirk while kissing her. “Why don’t we do some celebrating?” he’s asks, carrying her straight to their bedroom, not waiting for her response.

Laying her down, Spencer kisses her passionately. “You’re so perfect” he says in between kisses, making her blush. “I love the way you blush for me” Spencer announces as his lips go from her lips, to her jaw and all the way down to her neck. “You are everything to me.” he says looking back up at her. “You’re smart, you’re sweet, and you’re the most gorgeous person i’ve ever met….” he continues. “Shut up and kiss me, Spence” she cuts him off. “As you wish” he kisses her with even more passion than before.

Their tongues dance around eachother’s. “You know you drive me crazy…” He smiles softly. “You drive me crazy too” she declares. “Oh do I? What shall we do about that….” “You tell me”. Spencer kisses her neck making her breath hitch. “You like that?” he asks rhetorically. Not even waiting to hear if she responds, he bites down on her neck making her moan. “S-Spence?” “Yes my love?” “I need you”. “You have no idea how bad I need you too. Let me show you” He says grabbing her hand that was on the back of his neck down to the growing bulge in his pants. She gasps a little. “Want me to fix that?” she asks. “More than anything” he responds.

They rip eachother’s clothes off not caring where they end up. Spencer enters her with an almost pornographic moan coming out of her mouth, making him gulp in reaction to such a beautiful sound. He looks down watching the two of them connect together as if her pussy was designed perfectly for him. She runs her hands through his hair tugging on it slighting, making him groan at the feeling of that and her walls tightening around him. Spencer nearly abuses her clit with his thumb as he holds her hips down with his hands, making her see stars. He once again looks down. This time seeing the bulge in her stomach that his dick is making. He starts biting her neck, marking his territory before whispering “You’re doing so well, My good girl” causing her to close her mouth to muffle the loud moans and whimpers begging to escape. “Don’t do that, my love. Open your mouth for me. I want everyone to hear who you belong to. Who’s making you feel this good, (Y/N)?”. “You” she whispers. “No baby…that whispering shit isn’t going to cut it. Who do you belong to?” “YOU SPENCER” she can barely get out as the feeling in her stomach finally snapped and she came undone right then and there. Shortly after, Spencer finishes inside of her. They stay in that same position for a couple seconds before he pulls out. Taking his finger and pushing the mixture of their cum back into her hole as she whines in overstimulation. Licking his fingers clean. After cleaning up, they lay side by side in bed immediately falling asleep. Too tired to do or say anything.

The next morning they wake up entangled in eachother’s arms. The sun shining bright on the two of them. “Good morning, love.” Spencer says as he admires how beautiful is girlfriend looks as the sun rays from their window hit her skin. “Get up and get ready, we’re getting married today.” He says. Him having enough energy in his body for the both of them.

As (Y/N) walks out of the bathroom in her only white dress she owns, Spencer can’t help but tear up looking at his future bride. Although this isn’t the most traditional way to get married, neither of them have the patience to wait any longer.

Arriving at the jewelry store, Spencer opens the car door for (Y/N) and holds her hand as they walk in together. After looking through cases of rings, Spencer hears (Y/N) gasp as she stares at the most beautiful ring she’s ever laid her eyes on. A silver band with a small yet perfect diamond on it. “Is that the one?” He asks. All she can do is nod as it finally hits her that she’s marrying the love of her life within the next couple of hours. Spencer pays for the ring and as they arrive at the car, though it’s not the most romantic setting, he gets down on one knee, sliding the ring onto her finger.

Walking out of the courthouse hand in hand, the couple can’t help the almost painful smiles on their faces. Reliving the words “Congratulations! You are now husband and wife” over and over again. “You looked so beautiful during the whole thing, (N/N). I mean you look so beautiful all the time but specifically in that moment…” his rambles are stopped by the most loving kiss they’ve ever exchanged. “I can’t believe i get to call myself Mrs. Reid” she exclaims with a twinkle in her eye. Spencer has never been so happy than in this moment. “You are the most amazing wife i could ever ask for.” he says on the verge of happy tears. They reach the car as Spencer turns (Y/N) to face him, planting his hands on her hips. “What?” she asks. “Nothing. I just wanted to take a look at my beautiful wife that’s all.” he says. watching a blush creep up onto her cheeks. “Even though it’s not your typical wedding, and you’re not wearing a typical wedding dress, you still look like a goddess to me.” he exclaims. She doesn’t respond, the bashful blush on her face is enough of a response for him to dip her like in those cheesy romance movies and kiss her passionately as she giggles in surprise. “Ya know… I feel like seeing as though we both have rings on our fingers, our friends are going to figure out at some point. Once they do, we should totally have a late celebration surrounded by all the people we love.” she says. “If you want to do that, we’ll do that. I’ll do anything for you” he responds in a cheesy manner. “But i wanna keep this between us for a little bit longer to savor this moment.” she says. “Me too. Let’s head home and plan that celebration, my love.”

They did not get any planning done but they did do some celebrating. The newlyweds can barely get in the door without touching eachother. “I need you” she’s whispers in between kisses. “How bad?” “Really bad. I’ll do anything” she desperately responds. He smiles softly, slightly biting her lower lip. “Anything Mrs. Reid?”. “Anything.” she whines. Spencer gently pushes (Y/N) up against the wall and then brings both of his hands down to her hips. “So all I have to do is ask? You’d do whatever I’d tell you to do?” He says while leaning in closer, biting her right under her jawline. “Yes. I’d do anything for you, my love”. Spencer’s face turns slightly pink at the sound of her desperation. His hands gently lifting her shirt just enough so they can now rest on her waist. “Just do as I say. I want you to give yourself to me.” He says this in a deep quieter tone. “I will.” she whispers. “Good girl, Let’s not waste time Mrs. Reid” he says before grabbing her hand and leading her to their shared bedroom. He lays her down pressing his lips against her, more passionately than before. “Surrender yourself to me (Y/N)” he growls. She takes off her dress, “Is this what you want?” asking with a new found sense of confidence. Spencer’s eyes move down her body and then back up to her face, feeling himself get harder the longer he stares at her. “You’re perfect. That’s exactly what i wanted”.

He bites and sucks her perfect skin, leaving marks from her jaw all the way down her stomach. She makes a mental note to remember to cover those up before work monday. “You’re such a good girl for me” he whispers into her skin. He continues kissing down her skin reaching her thighs spreading her legs apart. “Tonight is all about my beautiful wife.” he says earning a whimper in response. He slid her panties off, admiring what is rightfully his. He starts to lick softly at first, teasing her folds before finally diving in. It didn’t take long for (Y/N) to be a moaning mess underneath him. Spencer worked his tongue inside her feeling her walls tighten. Spencer knew she was close. She instinctively grabs his hair as she came undone on his tongue. Leaving both of them a panting mess.

That monday, they couldn’t hold back their child like giggles when they both woke up for work. Reality struck when they were both standing outside the doors of the elevator to the BAU trying to act as though they have no relation other than coworkers. “I’ll go up first and you come in maybe a minute behind me okay?” Spencer says to his now, wife. Spencer gets there before her and sits down at his desk. (Y/N) walking in like it’s a regular work day, notices Morgan standing alongside Spencer talking about a case. Spencer slightly leans forward before making eye contact with his wife then looking back at Morgan. After their conversation subsides, Spencer walks over to (Y/N)’s desk, whispering to her slightly. “Have you noticed Emily has been eyeing us recently?” he asks her. “Yeah. she definitely clocked my ring as she walked by my desk a couple minutes ago.” (Y/N) responds. “Um..Spence? Don’t look now, but she’s walking over here.” she says behind her teeth. Spencer however, disregards her words and looks right at Emily, giving her a deer caught in headlights look. “No no no..” he whispers trying to race to his desk.

This falls short as the woman steps in front of him, stopping him in his tracks. Spencer blinks at her a few times, trying to think of something to say. “Emily…I-I…is everything okay?” he stutters. “Can I ask you guys a question?”. They both nod their heads in response. “Is there something going on between the two of you?”. There it is. After two years of being so careful, it finally happened. Spencer sighs “Y-Yes Emily, there is.” he says with a hint of defeat in his words. “She is..um..my wife”. Emily nearly chokes, not expecting that statement to come out of his mouth. She looks at (Y/N) for any kind of response, but all she gets from her is a nervous smile and the slight raise of a hand showing her ring. This catches Emily off guard. She looks between the two, back and forth, trying to process this information. “Oh my god you’re married? That means you guys dated and when did you have time for that? And how could we not tell?” She rambles on. “How did you mange getting married in secret? Why didn’t you tell any of us?”. “With this job comes danger and stress. You saw what happened to Hotch and his wife. We didn’t want the same for eachother.” (Y/N) says, finally speaking up. “Did you two plan on ever telling anyone?” Emily ask. “We didn’t think that far ahead” (Y/N) responds still slightly nervous. “You do realize at some point you’re going to have to tell Hotch seeing as though you need to change your name on legal documents and stuff. We do work for the government.”. (Y/N) laughs a little then actually registered what Emily said. “Oh Shit.” was all she could say before looking at her husband. Just then, Hotch calls the three over to the conference room. “We have a case”. Spencer and (Y/N) look at eachother, and then back at Emily, before looking back at eachother again. “I guess it’s now or never, (Y/N)” Spencer says breaking the silence.

With a sigh, (Y/N) walks ahead of the other two. Noticing all of her colleagues are already in the room, She mentally prepares for the bombshell she’s about to place on the whole team. Going up to Hotch she nervously asks “Hey Hotch, could you do me a favor?”. “What’s up, (Maiden L/N)?” he responds in his normal stern yet still welcoming tone. “U-Um..” she starts to stutter. “Is everything okay,” he asks, cocking an eyebrow waiting for her response. She looks at her colleagues who are all now staring at her with worried looks on their faces. “Um…I need..uh..mylastnamechangedonmyfiles.” she says the last part rather fast, almost trying to get it over with as fast as possible. Spencer is behind her, nervously tapping his foot, leaning against the door frame.

He looks at the girl, quite puzzled. “Is something happening to you we should be worried about?” he asked, taking into account what line of work they’re on. “Um. No. I got married”. He looks at her with the most emotion she’s ever seen on his face since she started working there. Her coworkers gasp at her statement. “You got married? Who did you marry?” he says to use, eyes wide. “S-Spencer.” she stutters, looking at her husband and then back at Hotch. He almost drops his case files as he looks between her and Spencer. “You’re married…to Reid?” his eyebrows raise as Spencer walks over to her, putting his hands on her shoulder. “So when did this happen?” He asks in a slow manner. “Saturday.” Spencer finally speaks up. “Saturday?” Rossi says rather loudly. “We’ve been dating for 2 years if that makes it any better.” Spencer says awkwardly. “How did we as profilers not catch this?” Morgan asks the congregation of people. They all nervous laugh and exchange a couple ‘I don’t knows’. Penelope runs over grabbing Spencer and (Y/N) in a group hug and starts happily giggling. “YES MY OTP IS REAL”. Morgan and Rossi look at eachother “What the hell is an otp?” Rossi asks Morgan as Morgan just shrugs.

After everyone settles down, the newlyweds get congratulations and hugs. “See? it wasn’t so bad!” Spencer says as he holds his new wife tightly.

A/N: if you got this far, i hope you liked it. this is my first time writing anything like this since like middle school. i’ve never written smut before but i feel like it adds more flavor to any fic so it was needed lol. feedback is always welcome just don’t be mean i’m fragile lmao. lmk if yall want more.

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x reader smut #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid #mgg #matthew gray gubler #matthew gray gubler x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction

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