#we were up super late so i hope this is coherent

[emomattagenda]

I saw that you had said that you were neutral on the matt pegging thing, so, I was wondering if we could get a oneshit ir head canons of subby!matt getting pegged fir the first time??

ask and you shall receive!! (sorry i'm like a week late to this though, it got lost in my notifs 😭)

pegging sub!matt headcanons:

- if it's your idea, he's taken completely by surprise (like choking on his drink unable to respond at first) but willing to hear you out

- if it's his idea, he's super hesitant to bring it up, worried you'd think it's weird, but super relieved when you're open to it

- you'd both be very lighthearted about it when preparing for it, like he probably wants to help you pick out the strap (he'd probably jokingly say something like "it's going in MY ass, i get to pick what it is!" followed by both of you laughing)

- you guys browse a toy website together to pick it out and he gets intimidated by some of the options, almost chickening out at first but you eventually find one he seems comfortable with trying

- when the toy arrives and it's finally time, the lightheartedness and giggling is replaced with nerves, you nervous to hurt him, him nervous to actually go through with this

- you wear something special under your clothes, lacey lingerie, a nice matching bra & panties set, just something special & sexy for him since this is a special night out of the norm

- when you get the strap fastened around your waist and he sees you wearing it, he's at a loss for words

- he'd be laying on the bed, red faced and staring at you after you get it on. ("what?" "i just... underestimated how hot you'd look in that...")

- you spend a lot of time getting him comfortable & worked up so he's less nervous

- you give him a lot of praise as well, not using much, if any, degradation tonight

- eventually he's whimpering under you and begging you to fuck him

- JUST IMAGINE HIM WHINING AND BEING LIKE "okay, i think i'm ready, please fuck me..." UGHHH

- as soon as you start and get a rhythm going all his nerves melt away and he turns into a whimpering, shivering mess under you

- he'd be so flustered & overwhelmed (in a good way) that he wouldn't be able to form coherent sentences, just moans and whines and mumbled words

- just imagine telling him how pretty he looks getting fucked by you and how good he's taking it and seeing his reaction

- he catches sight of a mirror in the bedroom and watching you fuck him is what sends him over the edge

- even though it goes well, i don't think it's something he'd want frequently. i think very rare occasions, or maybe it's a one time thing just to try it. i feel like he'd prefer to feel you for real, and he'd prefer a way that gives you pleasure, too

hope you enjoyed these hcs anon! ik this was pretty short, maybe i'll write a one shot at some point in the future.

[wonderingpanda]

Hello!! Could you please either write a scenario or Headcanon for either rottmnt or bayverse x reader for pining turtles (turtles with a crush on reader) and how they try to “romance” them? Who’s more upfront who isn’t it? What kind of gestures they do? Please and thank you

Rise Turtles Pining for Reader

Originally I was going to do both Bayverse and Rottmnt but I wrote this pretty late and couldn’t come up with many ideas for Bayverse. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Raphael

I feel like Raph is the kind of person to act casual around his crush and then freak out later

He’ll get excited around you and try to show you extra care

He’s also going to be very worried for your safety

If you had plans to go over to the lair and end up being 10 minutes late he’s already picturing the worst

Raph does try show off his muscle and strength sometimes

Particularly if you watch him train it’s a huge confidence boost

But his favourite moments are when you get to watch him win against one of his brothers while sparring

Oh come on you totally cheated. Sorry Leo rules are rules. That was awesome Raph! O-oh Y/N! Thanks.

He is a gentle giant so you can expect him to be extra attentive to your every need

And of course he’s giving out the best hugs of all time

While he may be pretty chill about his feelings, if you flirt with him it will leave him a flustered mess

I’m talking, he may be unable to form coherent sentences for several hours

At the end of the day, he just really wants you to like him and will always be there for you no matter what

Leonardo

Oh boy, here we go

The second Leo realised he liked you there was no more peace

You won’t get a single moment alone because this boy will just be everywhere

He’ll try every pick-up line he can think of and will find any excuse to flirt with you

The guy has no shame because he makes it look like a joke

Spoiler alert, it’s not

Have I ever told you I think you’re beautiful No, why? Cause you’re beautiful. Aww thanks Leo. *kisses on the cheek* *Dies inside*

While Leo might act confident on the outside if you try to flirt back with him his heart will instantly melt

But he’d never show it of course, he’s too cool for that

He is also a complete drama queen so he may occasionally dramatise things when talking about you with his brothers

And yes, he will talk about you frequently because how else is he meant to go over your every interaction from that day

He’s also an easily jealous person so if he sees any of your human friends as competition, hide them

Hide them fast

Another important thing to note is that he loves to show off

He’s got fighting moves, skateboard tricks, video game scores, comic collections and more

He loves you, wants you and will let you know loud and clear that he’s in love

But he’s only “kidding”

Donatello

Donnie is far more reserved in comparison to Leo

He also has a very complicated idea of what he wants

He wants you to know he likes you without you knowing he wants you to know he likes you

That being said, there are a lot of different ways to tell if Donnie is pining for you

He’ll feel more comfortable with you in his lab vs others

Lots of gifts and is always free for whatever favour you need

You can expect to be given more privileges around his tech

But that’s also because he wants to impress you with it

He might also make small comments to hint he likes you

What were you thinking!? Ah but you see my sweet beautiful Y/N, he wasn’t thinking. Don, quit flirting with your girlfriend and come save me! Not my girlfriend!…*whispers* yet.

He’s the kind of person who will admire from afar and won’t try to get super close physically

Although if he’s really excited then he may give you a hug or two

He will also pretend to hate any romantic aspects of holidays to hide how much he’d love to experience them with you

Valentines, mistletoe, New Years kiss, he acts like he can’t stand them

And you can bet that after every moment you two have he’ll be in his lab celebrating like there’s no tomorrow

Because a dancing Donnie is a happy Donnie

Michelangelo

Mikey just goes with the flow

Wait he likes you! Oh well, time to show tons of love and affection

It’s hard to tell if he likes you or not because he acts the same way around everyone else

Lots of physical affection, big hugs, warm smiles, hand holding

One unique thing you might be able to nitpick at though is his kisses

That’s right, Mikey will constantly be kissing your forehead or cheek if he gets the chance

You’re also one of his biggest inspirations

The amount of times this turtle will tell you to hold your pose so he can sketch it

He wants you to understand that to him you’re beautiful and inspiring

Compliments are another big thing for Mikey

He won’t stop telling you how pretty, smart and cute he thinks you are

Hey Y/N do you mind standing right there for a second? Uh sure, another drawing? Yup! Sorry you’re just so pretty I can’t stop drawing you. Awwww Mikey! That’s really sweet.

He is definitely more upfront about his feelings and is just waiting for the day he can open up and say he loves you

I hope this was similar to what you wanted. Have an amazing day/night wherever it is you are!✨

[quijabored]

OKAY SO I JUST FINISHED WATCHING LIKE THE ENTIRETY OF S3 FOR BSD SO UH SPOILERS FOR A LOT OF IT BUT ESPECIALLY THE ENDING CUZ HOOOLYYY SHIIITTTTT

I JUST

I CANT PUT MY THOUGHTS DOWN INTO COHERANT SENTANCES SO LIVE LAUGH BULLETPOINTS ((o(^∇^)o))

OKAY SO AKUTAGAWA AND ATSUSHI???

THEYRE GONNA WORK TOGETHER ARENT THEY I JUST KNOW DAMN WELL DAZAIS GONNA LIKE MAKE IT SO THEYRE COINCIDENTALLY PAIRED UP TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF A GUY

ALSO THE PROMISE ATSUSHI HAD AKUTAGAWA MAKE??? FYM AKUTAGAWA CANT KILL PEOPLE HES IN THE *PORT MAFIA.*

Just realizing I don't know how to do the whole colored text or different font thingy BUT ANYWAYS

STILL I LOVE ATSUSHI FOR THAT AND SINCE IT WAS MADE WITH A GOAL IN MIND, I REALLY HOPE I GET TO SEE AKUTAGAWA DEVELOPMENT

AAAAHHHH HES SO SILLY I LOVE AKUTAGAWA HES MY SON

SPEAKING OF SONS

IVAN??? HES SO ME LIKE HE IS SO ME????

ASAGIRI WAS SPYING ON ME WHEN MAKING IVAN FR

Funny thing when I first started getting into the fandom bit for bsd and I saw Fyodor being simped on I was like "eeehh I mean I guess hes cool but I dont really get it. Like sure hes an interesting character but..." AND THEN I SLOWLY STARTED BECOMING A FYODOR SIMP AND I JUST SKDHKSJD I HATE THAT MAN I HATE THAT MAN HES SUCH AN ASSHOLE

please I love him so much hes such a bitch I hate him I love him so much

"If Fyodor told me to cut my skin off I would" FUCKING SAME

ALSO AAAAAA THE ENTIRE TIME LIKE I WAS JUST STIMMING LIKE IM TELLING YOU IT WAS AJSHSKDJSJ

I HAVENT HYPERFIXATED ON A SERIES LIKE THIS SINCE THE PROMISED NEVERLAND (Specifically the manga. Miss you Yuugo)

AAAAAA ALSO THE FACT THAT CHUUYAS JUST STUCK IN POES STORY??

AND POE BEING LIKE "But if Ranpo were to die what would be my reason for living..." LIKE HELLO??? I LOVE MY OTHER SON (Poe)

AND AND AND FYODOR???? AHHHHHH HES SUCH A BITCH I LOVE HIM

THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS REALLY COMMUNICATING QITH MUSIC??? ALSO THE SURPRISED AND SHOCKED LOOK AT THE END WHEN DAZAI FOUND HIM??

I KNOW WE SEE MORE OF HIM LATE BUT FUCK

ALSO FYODORS ABILITY?? From what I saw it seems that it's just kill by touch but if Dazais like "welp, idk" then I'm guessing it's a bit more complicated than that AND I AM SO EXCITED TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS AAAA

Also Mori and Fukuzawa did the sskk punchy thingy they did in the end of S2!! I'm not sure if people ship them (I refuse to take in any content about Mori) but if people do then win for them :D

Also Im extremely excited to see Nikolai cuz hes me minus the Ukrainian terrorist bit BUT AAAA I HOPE I GET TO SEE HIM SOON

JUST SEARCHED IT UP ITS S4 EP 5 AND AAAAAA

I can't watch BSD until tommorow now cuz I wanna have a minute to process everything BUT AAAA I CANT WAIT TO WATCH S4

Fyodor made me feel so many ways I love him

AAAAAAA OKAY SO MY FAVORITE BOY (Akutagawa) IS ALSO SUPER SILLY THOUGHOUT THIS WHOLE THING LIKE

THE SCENE WHERE ITS LIKE "Are you sure youre the real Akutagawa?"

"Yeah."

"...And youre not gonna try and kill me?"

"Yeah."

"What did you have for breakfast?"

"Yeah."

LIKE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

Live laugh love Dazai but FUCK MAN AKUTAGAWAS TRAUMATIZED

Like don't get me wrong I love Aku how he is and I'm gonna love him more when I learn more about his character, but god damn it hurts to watch him seem so reliant on Dazais praise and Dazais approval like akdjkajsdj Ive been there my boy :(

ALSO I FEEL SO BAD FOR KUNIKIDA LIKE HE HAD TO GO THROUGH SO MUCH THIS SEASON

I PROBABLY HAVE OTHER THINGS TO SAY BUT AHDKSJDKWBD I LOVE BSD AND I CANT REMEMBER WHAT ELSE I WANTED TO YAP ABOUT BUT AAAAHHH ASAGIRI WHEN I CATCH YOU ASAGIRI- ASAGIRI WHEN I CATCH YOU-

Twas talking about this scene earlier btw :3

AH ALSO WHEN FYODOR GOT SMASHED WITH A WINE BOTTLE??? HELLO??? I LOVE HIM BUT I STARTED LAUGJING AT THE SCENE

[stormblessed95]

Can we now please skip over the "when you were free, you never called" thing, please?? That's already been discussed enough. Let's now please discuss JK's tone when he said "Finally". He sounded relieved... a bit melancholy... a bit of something something. This isn't talked enough :(

I genuinely want to know how some of you guys decide to send in asks and to whom. I know so many of you probably mass send them out in an effort to, idk, reach as many people as possible? Higher chances of getting posted?

Anon, this also isn't just you, you just drew the unlucky straw for my rant. Sorry. Your ask is also "almost" but not quite a copy/paste of the post I made not even a full day ago.

I specifically requested everyone to stop sending me asks about the car conversation because when I was no longer sick and my brain worked more coherently, I would put together a longer form post addressing it for everyone. And yet since then, I've gotten like 18 different asks referencing the car conversation. Half of them saying "yeah, can't we just let it go because XYZ opinions"

Okay great. I'm glad you agree with me I guess but you still aren't listening and honoring my request. So low-key, it still feels really rude. So now I have to sit here and hope that maybe my followers aren't actually rude and forget I am a whole person behind this account where making demands for content isn't super nice, especially when said content was already said to be coming, just later on. But instead they just.... Idk, don't actually read my posts and just send in asks without reading anything because why bother? Idk. Feeling entitled to my time without giving me yours through reading my opinions about a subject first feels less rude in some ways than just not giving a shit about what I say. Lol 🙃

And I KNOW I make a ton of posts, especially lately with AYS and trying to keep up with at least most of the asks I get, I've been much more active on here than I have been otherwise in the past year. So I often try to give the benefit of the doubt. But honestly.

Idk, maybe I'm just extra cranky because I feel like absolute dog shit, I'm sick, trying to take care of my family, get ready for back to school, get ready to start working, and take care of myself too... But it feels a little disrespectful and it doesn't make me want to actually make more posts or answer asks.

And all of this is a general you, not directed at anyone in particular. I'm just.... Venting. This is why I kept turning my anons off occasionally in the past...

Thanks

[centrally-unplanned]

*obligatory question about the possible Israel/Hamas ceasefire*

God I don't fucking know. I have been trying to write up this big piece on "Strategy, Israel vs Hamas" and I kept running headlong into the fact that Israeli strategy is a complete clusterfuck, I have no clue what they are doing. None of their actions make sense from the view of any coherent goal. The explanation for this is, of course, that they don't have one, they are completely dysfunctional politically and running on vibes. Which means that any analysis of whether or not the ceasefire will work for them is pretty much asking "are like, the vibes right man?" I don't know! I hope!

Hamas, whose strategy has not been much better let me tell you (but at least slightly clearer), seems to be coming around, dropping its maximalist demands and focusing on walking before running. The ceasefire is *very* well written at first brush, very concrete, escalating steps, super detailed, this is what stepping back from the brink of war looks like. It is very lopsided on the numbers but that can be haggled down. Its progress compared to the previous ceasefire talks that tbh they were scuttling in fits of pride - or more accurately, they didn't want the war to end yet. A common state for war, but I see this as is a good sign they are shifting.

I do think Israeli politics are definitely turning against how dragged out this war has been. That can be a good sign, but it can also be a ticking clock on the Rafah offensive - pretty sure that is part of the "strikes against Rafah TODAY" thing going on, a message to the domestic audience as much as Hamas.

To me, right now Israeli siege mentality is at an absolute fever pitch, so my bet is we don't have a cease fire yet. But its not a confident one.

(I will add that I think Egypt, Qatar, and the US, in a better-late-than-never moment, are doing a very good job with their limited influence to de-escalate and focus on the relevant point of "peace over all". Qatar in particular, yeah its in their interest, but they have been full-in on the peace talks, and the US I think at this point is the single biggest factor holding Israel back and allowing the humanitarian situation to improve, as it seems to have been the past ~month. This is the most positive sign imo, regional actors buckling down. I wish Egypt was doing more but I'll take what I can get)

[carlos-in-glasses]

Carlos-in-Glasses Goes to Paris

For prosperity I’ve written up my experience of the First Responders Reunion Convention – which is my first convention experience. And what an overwhelmingly good and stressful time it was. Under the cut is my attempt to capture my memories and the essence of it, rather than a transcription of panels and meeting rooms, as others have already done the good work (or will be). I hope you find this interesting and useful if you do read, and if you have any specific questions (including about travelling alone/logistics/issues I had) I’ll do my best to provide a coherent answer.

I am very tired and this is slightly manic but here we go:

Friday: If you are among those who waited in line for three hours to register for the convention, even if I did not see or interact with you….I feel we are spiritually bonded forever by the experience. Blimey, crikey, and bloody hell. It was not clear at all how long the wait would be, but I was not expecting that! However, there was an undeniable thrill in the air. I was in pain all over, yet happy. By the late evening, dinner was half a tube of Pringles and a glass of red wine.

Saturday: Breakfast was four croissants. I actually recommend this because they really did carry me through until lunch. Not long after arriving, we were milling about in the lobby waiting for the opening ceremony to begin - when Ronen walked past up on the mezzanine/ balcony thing, waving to us, all fabulous and just….there in the flesh?!!!...and revealing his hair. We’d speculated that he’d dyed it pink or the bisexual pride flag colours, or “wouldn’t it be funny if it’s just brown?!” And it was brown! And it WAS Funny.

The opening ceremony was a trip lol. Holy shit. They played a music video compilation of the actors from each show (I never want to hear How to Save a Life by The Fray ever again. Jk jk don’t come for meee). There was an undulation of incredibly loud screaming whenever particular actors popped up on screen, so it was like being on a rollercoaster that wasn’t moving. Adrenaline was high by the time all the actors walked out on stage and say hello. It’s hard to explain exactly how bonkers it is to be in the same physical space as Ronen, Rafa, Sierra and Natacha and see their non-TV dimensions… TANGENT TIME:

….Speaking of dimensions! I tried to pay close attention to the height difference between Ronen and Rafa, but it’s also an optical illusion in real life? FYI, I’m 5 ft 7 – Ronen didn’t seem massively taller than me, Rafa did seem massively taller than me; next to each other it was like there was nothing in it. But in my photos they’re both much taller than me and Ronen looks slightly the biggest I think 🤔 So I have no clue what’s going on. In fact, I’m more confused than ever.

After the opening ceremony (which I fled from because fuuuck) I was waiting around due to rocking up early for my meeting room by accident. The schedule was a confusing design and I was far from the only person who was doing a sort of 'hit-and-hope' when it came to figuring out where to be and when, especially as things almost immediately overran, so other activities got moved around/ postponed. ANYWAY – Ronen walked right past with a member of staff who was instructing him. I overheard him tell her “It’s okay…I’m a pro at this.” He really did wander around like he owned the place. At one point he strolled through the lobby with an unlit cigarette in his mouth.

My first activity was the meeting room with Ronen and Rafa (ie. a group of a set number of people in a room with actors for half an hour). By chance it turned out that I was sitting almost right next to them, with a gap left for the door between us. So, super close. And obviously they were both mesmerising. This was the meeting room where Rafa said “To catch the murderer, Carlos has to behave like one”, and explained that Carlos would have to murder parts of himself. His emphasis was on how Carlos’ innocence has been taken from him because his father’s life was stolen. For what it’s worth, I interpreted this as Rafa viewing the whole thing very much from an dramatic actor’s standpoint, and how he needs to get into the mindset of Carlos’ particular grief metaphorically, rather than meaning anything literal. He speaks quite intensely and thoughtfully and his choice of words is often bold. For anyone concerned about it, just remember he was asked a question and responded off the cuff the best he could in the moment, with limited time. He doesn’t write the show and I guess he’s making assumptions based on how season 4 left off, like the rest of us, unless he’s had very specific conversations with Tim (which, maybe! But he wouldn’t be able to give anything away. We don’t know anything). Then, when Ronen brought up TK dying (because Ronen always dies in the films/TV he does – using an axe to the chest as an example) it was pointed out that Tarlos is endgame, so he can’t die. Cue Rafa being like “Carlos could die with him! They die together!” I was like goodness me lads it’s early in the morning for this. I needed a brandy afterwards.

Next up was my Tarlos Duo Photoshoot. As noted above, everything had fallen behind schedule, and things were starting to get switched around. Honestly, it was confusing, daunting and stressful (please note: Am VERY easily confused, daunted, and stressed). But thanks to the power of following others and asking questions, I ended up where I needed to be. When it was my turn, Rafa immediately and warmly put his arm around me to pose but Ronen was talking to a staff member, so Rafa and I were just… touching each other for a good few seconds before Ro joined us! I took the opportunity to thank Rafa for doing this for us, but I can’t remember how he responded. Then the photo was taken. I told them they’re both amazing, they said “aw thanks” at the same time, and again I fled the scene. As there are so many people, the shoot you have is super speedy. I advise really trying to keep your cool even though it’s a highly flustering situation. You don’t want it to become a total blur or something you regret, because it really is lovely to be next to them and quickly say a few words and get a keepsake afterwards.

My next activity was autographs and selfies with Natacha and Sierra. A super lovely thing. I gave them cards I'd written (as I also did for Rafa and Ronen the next day). Sierra was an absolute highlight for me. Just the warmest, kindest person. A total joy. She opened her card in front of me and I was like nooooo don't. It truly felt like she’d come to the convention for the opportunity to meet us, rather than the other way around. She told me she liked my outfit and said I look beautiful in pink. Similar to what I said to Rafa, I thanked her and told her I can’t imagine what it’s like for them to do this, expecting her to quickly say “oh you’re welcome” or something. But she started having a mini-philosophical conversation with me about the nature of fame and fandom! Then she said “it is overwhelming in the best way” because she gets to see the human heart behind all the messages etc (I’m paraphrasing). I said “it’s all about love” and she said “yes! It’s all about love, absolutely.” She was a true delight. And Natacha is a blast. She also complimented my pink outfit and I was like ???? Thanks????!!! Gahhh. The selfies came out way more flattering than the photoshoot. The lighting. Oof.

The last Saturday thing for me was the panel with Ronen and Rafa. It was quite brief but there were some real gems. Rafa saying he only has eyes for Tarlos. Ronen saying “Safe in their apartment holding on to each other. I think Carlos is TK’s honeymoon.” I melted. I let our an audible aww.

Sunday: The first thing was a Lone Star quiz in the panel room with Natacha and Sierra. They were so fun and such good sports. Then it was the Lone Star panel, where Natacha, Sierra, Ronen and Rafa were all on stage together answering fan questions. It was really nice to see them all interact, banter and laugh together. Sierra made a point of saying they’re all close in real life and hang out in their free time. There was a great vibe between them and such a good atmosphere in the room. I loved it when Rafa told Ronen that he was out of rhythm when it came to learning the pilot episode line dance; Ronen argued that he smashed it and there's video evidence. Rafa's response was "Sweetie, no."

I then had the autograph and selfie sessions with Rafa and Ronen, but because the Lone Star panel overran, suddenly Ronen had his photoshoot session instead, so I had a clash between going to that or staying downstairs for Rafa. I was trying to figure out what to do until the queen that is @actuallysara got some clarity from a staff member and we went up to Ronen, but by that point the upper level by the studio was crowded and chaotic. Be advised to prepare for disarray if you’ve never been to a convention before. It might be that you experience no scheduling issues or confusion, but just be prepared for the advent anyway. As it happened, I was through quickly for my photo with Ronen – again thanks to Sara locating the door! Ronen, hungover, was wearing his sunglasses, so I wore mine. He did a dumb pose without saying anything; I grinned at the camera and then thanked him and ran off again to get back downstairs where Rafa was still signing autographs. I got to tell him he plays my favourite character of all time and we took a selfie I really love ahhhh. Then Rafa had to leave for his photoshoot – which was my next thing – so I ran back upstairs and was one of the first in line! So I was like “heeey nice to see you again so soon…!” He remembered my name – I guess because he’d only just written it down 😅 I thanked him for the 10th time – just couldn’t stop thanking everyone like I’d caught a disease where the symptom is permanent gratitude. THEN I ran downstairs to do the autograph and selfie with Ronen, who was running late – so that got postponed to the afternoon after we’d already waited a long while. When it did happen it was great - I can't remember what I said to him but I assume it was polite and made sense – although a chaotic queuing system again ensued. A whole long line of us were crushed together in the heat. I had an Aperpol spritz after and when I tell you I’d never needed a drink like that more…

That was it for my paid activities! Unknown to me at the time, my final glimpse of Ronen, Rafa, Sierra and Natacha was when I was sitting on the floor eating Ritz Crackers while they were wandering past on their way to/from whatever they were doing next. It felt so normal to see them around at that point. We gathered for the closing ceremony, thinking we’d see all the actors on stage once more for a goodbye, but the ceremony had to happen without any of the actors because of running late. So, I cherish my ‘seeing them in the hallway’ memories.

Overall feelings and would I do it again? If you’ve never been to a convention before but want to, do go into it with open eyes: There’s potentially a lot of waiting around and standing in line for a long time in a hot space (sometimes the line is more like a shapeless crowd and you don’t know where it begins and ends). Some of the activities are quite rushed. They fall behind schedule easily and you have to be agile about where to go next and what to do. The Dream It team worked super hard and could do with employing more staff in stewarding roles, ideally wearing something that identifies them as such (the staff blended in with the visitors of the convention). But I don’t know the economics of their staffing situation so maybe they can’t grow the team. Anyway, having more signs up also would have been useful. When you do get your moment with Ronen, Rafa, Sierra, Natacha though – or whoever you have come to see – it really is beautiful and meaningful.

Right now, I’m flipflopping – but mainly I think once is enough for me, unless they come to a convention the UK. There’s a couple of aspects I’d like to ‘do over,’ but perhaps not enough to try to recreate the magic a second time, given the expense of it?? That might change over the coming months – we’ll see! I went to this convention with the goal of meeting Ronen and Rafa (with Natacha and a Sierra being a glorious bonus as I booked it long before they were announced as guests) to tell them in person thank you and I love you – and I achieved that. I do think it was worth my money, but it is very expensive and tiring. I was lucky to be in a good position to pay for it this year, which might not be the case going forward. You really need to be able to afford to do it, and genuinely want to do it, knowing you’re paying money for something that is going to have some hard and challenging aspects as well as the amazing and joyful. Personally, I love that I went once. I didn’t love the Super Endurance Test of 2023 that was standing in line for three hours on Friday after travelling hahaaaaaa god. I loved the selfies and autograph sessions. I didn’t love the photoshoot outcomes but I loved that I’ve had Rafa’s large hand on my shoulder because I'm slutty so. I love that I looked into both his and Ronen’s eyes and told them how great they are. I love that I uploaded my selfie with Rafa to my instastory and he viewed it, so there’s just a line of my friends’ names, then actuallyrafa, then a line of my friends’ names 🤣

I also want to note that in real life, compared to footage of them in interviews/insta lives/wherever, I think you get even more of a sense of just how different they are to their characters. It made me respect them all even more than I already did, which I didn’t think was possible. They are SO talented.

BUT most importantly: The reason why this was so brilliant was @actuallysara, without whom I wouldn’t have thought I could travel alone to Paris and do this at all. Sara, meeting you and giving you a big hug was also the dream. You are so helpful and knowledgeable and kind ,and once again your flags were a fantastic idea and I’m so happy I got to sign them. I hope I get to see you again very soon. Thank you from the depths of my soul. @meditating-honey-badger (and your fabulous companion…!) it was a true delight to hang out, and chill out, and have such funny and deep conversations. You are an absolute light and I loved meeting you. I hope so much to see you again too. Like Sara, it could never be too soon. And @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut. What can I say. What can I possibly say. I want to make drinking on rooftop bars while talking about writing our thing. I’ve never done that with anyone else. We really went through this side by side and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I already miss you and I thank you too. You are, in fact, the warmest doughnut in town. All of you, forever ❤️. You made it what it was.

(Digitally applied giant aviator sunglasses and some editing so the Tarlos duo photoshoot doesn't count as a face reveal. Thank you also to the lovely people who made bracelets and handed them out.)

[vague-bisexual-crimes]

i keep seeing you posting about frowan and ive not seen anyone else talking about it so why do you think theyre a good ship?

Oh boy, let me try to gather some coherent thoughts on this lol.

I think they’d mesh very well I think post canon Rowan relaxes a bit (read: gets therapy, stops trying to parent his band mates as much) and I think they’d meet at some sort of event that somehow The Ark is involved in and so is Universe City and Frances would have no idea who he is but she just like. asks him where the bathroom is or something and they just start chatting and Rowan slowly realizes she has no idea who he is and he finds it funny and he kind of likes the anonymity or the like personal-ness of talking to someone and getting to know someone without all these predispositions that almost everyone has about him because they think they know him. Anyway I think somehow The Ark comes up and Frances is like “isn’t that a band?” And Rowan is just like “yeah I hope so I’m in it” and she’s just like “oh that’s cool!” but she, again, has minimal to no idea who The Ark is so they just kind of move on and then they part ways for the night and run into each other at another event and get to chatting again and they exchange numbers (I also thought maybe instagrams but I think Rowan likes that he’s just a regular person to Frances and it’d be quick to tell he wasn’t if she saw his Instagram) and Rowan goes home and binges Universe City because she mentioned it and they start talking over text and FaceTime and they become really good friends and then they start hanging out more in person and they slowly just become really comfortable with each other and then I think Frances would be the one to say/do something that implied something romantic and Rowan is like well hang on yes and then they just start dating and they ARE a power couple and the internet loves them <3. Also like a month or so into dating Rowan like sits Frances down and explains to her that The Ark is kind of a big fucking thing and there’s a crazy fanbase and they WILL be crazy about her if they find out and Frances is just like. “ok. been there done that.” And Rowan is like “no they’ve been known to take it too far they stalked my ex” and she’s just like “that’s fine. we don’t have to keep it super secret I mean we’re both sort of public figures people will find out eventually.” So they don’t have like a whole Thing about it they just don't make an effort to hide it and surprisingly both fandoms take it very well lol. also after the second time they run into each other Frances mentions Rowan to Aled and Aled is like. "Frances. you were flirting with ROWAN. OMOMDI. all night and you DIDNT TELL ME?!??!" and shes like "yeah he's in a band, i think, he gave me his number" and Aled is like “YOU GOT ROWAN OMOMDI’S PHONE NUMBER??!?!?!”

Anyway I think their personalities would mesh well and I think Frances is very herself and is very chill about fandom’s perception of her and I think it helps Rowan relax and just enjoy like. life and I think he’s just very happy to be around her. And I think Rowan is very sweet and very caring and I think Frances would like how much he cares about his friends and his family and how passionate he is about music and yeah that’s the post I think sorry it’s kinda long and sorry I’m answering this ask a bit late but whadaya do when you’re struck with frowan inspo you’re struck with frowan inspo. might make a fic out of this not sure don’t quote me on that

[silvasfunctionalmind]

There's something really disappointing and sad about when your literal, physical brain is so fucked up it actively poisons you.

Because, what, nobody is bowing at your feet, apologizing on the behalf of every single allistic person on this planet for personally promoting applied behavioral analysis/autistic conversion therapy? Because they won't personally raze [redacted] to the ground for you?

Anyways, NONE of those things should be happening, and we are not entitled to such, but please understand that, yeah, the situation we described is literally some of us who were here from 2007 or 2008 onwards, we are actively being poisoned seeing other people be randomly kind to others. We can't trust that they mean it.

It just so happens that when it gets extremely bad we get more bitchy, more isolationist, and much more prone to snapping on a hair trigger. I'm looking at the past few weeks (not literally, you get the idea I hope), and I'm pretty sure that's been the case leading up to April 2.

For people not aware of it: April 2 is autism "awareness" day, the day everyone decides to fundraise a literal hate group. Seeing this happen over and over again and feeling like there has been nobody ever listening to us until, bah, literally last year, has made it so our readings on peoples' situations are a lot less kind than they used to be and it's extended way past autism advocacy at this point.

I've literally seen specific headmates who shake because of the physical pain of seeing random acts of kindness and not feeling they ever had that in return. I've seen folks who distress themselves to the point they start talking in loops, as in, it's coherent and has a logical structure so it isn't a word salad, but they literally loop the same topic [A] over three times within another topic [B] and not realize it, topic [A] is just that stressful. I've seen people in here go into social media spirals because nobody wants to talk about the consequences of pretending being sex-repulsed is a either purity culture thing or a trauma thing (it's neither! inherently speaking, it is NIL) and then it goes back to that point of nobody ever listening to us.

This is a very roundabout way of apologizing for anything we've done the past few weeks. We've just felt...awful lately, as in, super fucking disgusting and gross in general.

[zecromgen5]

Alright, here we go: I'm going to go over my thought and design process for some of my dragons, starting with my Seam dragon.

This is going to be a pretty long post, so all of what I'm going to be talking about will be below the cut.

So Seam was a unique case since in the actual game we only ever see their head in the seap. This provided me a unique opportunity to kind of do whatever I wanted with the dragon design, and admittedly I might have gone a bit overboard with the design and lore for them.

I knew I wanted to keep this dragon very cat-like, as well as lean into the fact that they were once a powerful magician. I went with an Asian Lung style dragon combined with a Lynx. Since Lung dragons are known for their magic, and a Lynx fit well because I could stylize their cheek-fluff to give a similar effect to Seams beard.

This design originally didn't have the flames present on the current design. I decided later on that I wanted to emphasize the fire magic aspect of this dragon, and I chose blue flames - 1. To compliment the orange on the design. And 2. Blue flames are hotter than normal fire, so choosing blue as the flame color sort of hints at how powerful Seam could be potentially.

(First VS. Current design)

Alright, here's the part where I talk about a abilities and lore specific stuff for this dragon.

Starting with abilities, Seam has the ability to conjure and control fire around them, and has a wide range of utility-based magic; one such ability being able to enchant items. So somewhat similar to an animus in Wings of Fire, with the main difference and drawback being that this magic takes a lot of energy to cast, instead of the whole "chipping away at your soul" thing animus magic has.

Being based off of an Asian Lung dragon, Seam does have the ability to fly using their magic.

When using their fire magic, the mane at the base of their neck will also increase in heat depending on the scale of the attack used. Their mane also moves similarly to fire when using magic.

For character lore, seam is the largest and one of the oldest dragons within the AU. They're around two and half thousand years give or take. So around late 60s-early 70s in human age. Why do I have him so old? I felt like it kinda fit with the Lung-style of dragon they are, but other than that I don't really have a reason. Seam good friends with the kings that reigned when they were around 100-200 years old and served the Royal line for most of their life. Up until Jevil had to be locked away. Since then they primarily serve as a trading post for the dragons of Scarlet Forest, and partially as a landmark due to their size.

(A joke drawing I did a while ago to show their size)

I have thought about making this dragon a smaller form for those times when being a giant isn't super convenient, but I haven't come up with a design I like yet so maybe someday. I'm open to people creating and suggesting designs for me if that's what they want to do.

And that's pretty much the long and short of Seam's design and lore. I'm not super used to writing things like this, so I hope this was coherent and didn't come off as too self-indulgent. If there are any suggestions as to a different dragon any of you want to see another post like this for, let me know. I would be happy to do this again. Also if there are any questions you have, feel free to ask and I will try my best to answer.

Alright, bye for now!

[luveline]

hi jade baby!! here’s a super small (but festive) commentary on your most recent steve fic <3

baby you won me over at the very first line. we love the bf who hates christmas x gf who loves christmas trope <3

Steve has always thought you were pretty, in the same way he thinks that grass is green and stars shine at night.

oh i loved that bit!!! so much!!! stating that he thinks her being pretty is something so obvious as the green grass or shiny stars 🥺🥺 that was lovely!!

STEVIE BEING JEALOUS OF HER LAUGHING AT EDDIES ANTICS!!! he’s so boyfriend

Dorks combined with too much imagination, their gingerbread house has become a sort of macabre scene with a dead gingerbread man outlined in the snow surrounding, and icing stalagmites rise under the roof’s overhang.

shut up i love them i wanna team up with em

Christmas makes Robin squishy, like she's forgotten how shitty the world is

okay me <3

You look pretty, and Steve's not one for dramatics but he wishes he was dead. 

dramatic steve is my favourite steve

When he's with you, Steve feels as though everything — every movement, every moment — is broken down into its finest details. He thinks he could draw your fingerprint if asked, each miniscule line embossed into his skin as you touch him. 

being able to draw her fingerprint as a allusion to paying attention to every small detail. that was sick.

That's all he does, lately. Finds new ways to fall in love with you. 

i don’t have anything to say about that, just wanted to highlight it. also you’re insane ily

stevie LIGHTING UP when he sees the mistletoe IMMEDIATELY followed by eddies voice and the “oh, no” literally christmas romcom material baby that was so funny

AND EDDIE STANDING RIGHT UNDER THE MISTLETOE WITH HER please i should be focusing on steve and you’re making it SO HARD FOR ME

snow falling down during their first kiss!!! literally 90s/early 2000s christmas romcom material (i hope u know im the biggest christmas romcom fan so i mean this as a huge compliment!!!)

The snow — the snow, which had fallen thick and fine as powdered sugar, which you adore, and which makes coming to see you in the days leading up to Christmas near impossible. It's something out of a movie, Steve, seriously, and you need to appreciate what's happening. 

THATS WHAT IM SAYINGGGG

you won't sing, but the small sounds alone are enough to make him want to kiss you (though everything does now). He can't hate Here Comes Santa Claus when you hum along under your breath, lips skipping over the skin of his bicep, your hand scratching a rhythm into his hair.

THOUGH EVERYTHING DOES NOW. sickening. actually insane. the cutest thing I’ve ever read.

Thank little baby Jesus in the manger for Christmas sweaters so you have something to tuck into your skirt, so you have a reason to wear a skirt at all, and a reason to take one off. 

not the little baby jesus in the manger oh my god.

"Merry Christmas," he murmurs. He really, really means it. 

grumpy bf who hates christmas softens after getting with gf who loves christmas has to be my favourite trope <3333

jade my darling my ANGEL i don’t think I’ll ever get over how talented you are!!! the way your writing is so fluid and coherent and so so lovely that makes me picture every little detail you mention like it’s a little movie in my head!! and if this actually was a christmas romcom movie, it’d be the best one!! you’re the best!! i love you!! 💌 - lu

p.s.: you have no idea how upset i was when i realised there’s no mistletoe emoji. please imagine there’s a little mistletoe right at the top of this ask, okay? thank you.

lu spoils me for the one thousandth time 😭😭😭 I love so much to see what parts you liked it's so validating and genuinely such a treat like I know it takes time and effort and I appreciate it so much, I'm glad you liked it! I love you

[scribesynnox]

A part on Lego Monkie Kid that likes to replay itself every so often is the moment Mei snaps and finally yells at Monkey King the way she clearly thought about doing for a while now.

“You… KNEW.

All along, you knew I had this, THING inside of me! And you hid it from ALL of us.

Why.

What were you afraid of? That you were gonna hafta tear me apart to get your preCIOUS SAMADHI FIRE?!!”

And at this point, THIS is when Monkey King reveals his plan that he had this whole time, the plan everyone trusted him to have.

And it turned out to be a barely coherent, slapped on at the last minute plan with a generous amount of hand waving and “god, I hope it all works out in the end somehow.”

Everyone is staring at Sun Wukong and realizing the plan they had put their trust in was nothing more than a wishlist and Mei is fucking furious.

“We trusted you. ALL of us!! How could you lead us into this fight without a real plan!!

Time and time again, I’ve watched you put MK in danger, leaving him to figure out EVERYTHING on his own!!

Don’t you realize you’re hurting the people who care about you the most!”

That WHOLE SCENE? And with MK refusing to give up on Mei despite everyone telling him it’s too late, and Monkey King himself trying to stop him, but MK pushing through anyways to accomplish the impossible? GOD, that went SO HARD, and for WHAT?

Why is this show so fucking GOOD, man?

AND BRUH!!! She was absolutely RIGHT!! I was just waiting for one of MK’s friend to snap at yell at SWK (other than Pigsy, who is so correct to call out SWK) because the shit he’s been pulling? HELLO??? SWK is not a bad person, but GOD, you can’t just leave a kid you promised to teach and then leave them in the dark to figure things out on their own. Mei has been watching MK this whole time, watching him train and struggle and YEAH. She WOULD be mad! That’s her friend! Why isn’t SWK helping him? She trusts Monkey King though, trusts MK’s judgement of character, and leaves it to the side, but never forgotten. And then?? It turns out he left them all in the dark about a super dangerous thing so they couldn’t prepare for it, and the preparations HE has is barely more than a “oh I hope it works out?” I would have been a simmering pressure cooker of rage and anger about to blow. “She’s out of control” NO THE HELL SHE ISNT, she just finally snapped. It was a long time coming.

Yeah yeah, there’s nuance and more to the situation and SWK than I’ve written here, but I’m still not wrong. Mei was thinking about this for a long time, it just finally blew up.

[feelingsfromallison]

Just finished the last season of Manifest spoilers below 

Even though the characters got a happy ending I’m actually pretty ticked off with the ending. I had a feeling that’s where the ending was headed, especially when they got on plane at the end. I was really hoping it wouldn’t though.

Don’t get me wrong I’m glad the characters got happy endings. Grace and Ben being able to be together and Cal and Olive being able to grow up together love it. Saanvi and Alex get to be together and of course I love that Michaela and Zeke get to be together! And TJ gets to be with his mom.

I become upset because even though the 828 passengers kept their memories, aside from Cal, no one else remembers anything. The characters went through so much together and now a lot of them will never know. Saanvi and Cal had such a great relationship and he has no idea. Michaela and Drea had a great friendship and now Drea has no idea. Vance and Ben were super close and called even called each other brother in one episode I think. They frickin sank TJ and Olive as a couple so I’m pretty pissed about that.

I mean I guess some of those relationships can still happen. Saanvi will end up curing Cal and I and I can see them being close buddies again. Michaela at some point can be friends with Drea again. But it just won’t be the same. Then you have ones that probably will never happen. Like I don’t think Ben and Vance will be friends because there won’t really be a reason to talk (even if they meet because of interviews about the 11 others that died/went missing it’ll be all business). And TJ and Olive can’t be a couple again. Which makes me wonder if the passengers will even stay in contact, and that makes me mad because so many were like family!

Then there is the fact that aren’t the events that happened in the callings still going to happen? Like the first calling of the two girls who were held hostage? or I think there was a doctor that was drowning? The little boy’s dad Ben saved when he was trying to find Eden? Aren’t these things still going to happen? I’m sure some of the events they can still help with (I’m sure they probably remember that first calling since it started it all), but there were so many callings and logically they cannot remember every single one.

I know that Olive, I think it was her?, said that Eden would have found her way to them even if 828 had never disappeared, but like idk even if Ben and Grace have a child now it’ll be a different egg and sperm so a different person. I’m forgetting the name of the other women who had her baby in the DC, but that baby is also gone, and so is Drea’s and Jared’s baby. 

Even though I should be happy because the ending we got is probably objectively the best outcome  since everyone gets to live their lives as if nothing happened, but I’m not still not happy. It feels like a cop out and feels like everything that happened to make the characters who they are was erased. And I know the 828ers remember so they got to keep what they learned, but there were so other characters that had character development that was all erased. 

Anyway idk if any of my thoughts are coherent because I stayed up way to late binging it 

[kinetic-elaboration]

March 19: Sunday's Activities

Well this week isn’t gong to be great unless I seriously become a different person overnight. I still need to do laundry, and I still have a lot of sewing. But it’s okay, it’s gonna be fine. I woke up really late today and thought I could still do laundry but B got into town early and so we decided to hang out early. We went to a park nearby and walked a very short way down the trails before we found a bench by a lake and just sat there the rest of the time. We saw a snake, and some ducks, and people in a boat. We talked about work and stuff we were reading and a little about my conversations recently with R… I kept trying to explain to him my “weird headspace” while talking to her without saying the headspace is “super horny for girls.” I also didn’t want to say I was feeling nostalgic and otherwise emotionally tied up in stuff from college because I was also emotionally tied up in HIM at that time and we don’t need to go into that either.

We also talked about going to a gay bar together and possibly pride in October and I hope these plans do come together. And we had a really good conversation about queer identity that I wish had gone on longer but I felt like I was in this place where I wasn’t done but I wasn’t sure what else to say or ask.

Then we went out to the moves and saw Nausicaa, which he’d seen before and I hadn’t. It was good. It was so good. All the Ghibli hallmarks: plucky female protagonist, boy sidekick, environmentalist and anti-war messages. Super weird, felt really 70s to me (actually from 1984 but I wasn’t totally wrong), ton going on, kept me on my feet. I wouldn’t say I don’t have thoughts on it but I just don’t feel coherent about it. There were some parts that were surprisingly funny and others that made me want to cry but mostly what I can’t get over is the expansive and expansively weird landscapes and the bugs.

Afterwards we went out to chipotle, which was okay. I felt very full while eating and now it’s been twenty minutes and I’m hungry. Hmmm. And the chips were too salty.

I have to be so brave this week. So brave. It’s scary how brave I need to be. Maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe it’s basically fine. The laundry is the worst part because I hate to do laundry after work but at least it stays light for a while now. Might be able to skip grocery shopping? Not sure. Ugh. It’s all a thing.

[legallypumpkinn]

My classpecing basics recap bc it’s late o clock where I am at but I have so much to say so none of this will probably be coherent but like… I’m rlly cool and smart :3 (ordered by gender commonality, w Exploit and Understand in the middle as ungendered pairs bc like “oh we haven’t seen a male maid yet” “seer shoes r too girly” SHUT THE FART!! If knight can b both binary genders then so can maid, and Kankri is right there :?)

DESTROY: Prince (-) / Bard (+) - This one is one of 2 canon pairs so I am not giving an explanation. That is for Calliope :3

BECOME: Page (-) / Heir (+) - This one stemmed first from symmetry - if we accept that there is a pair of classes exclusive to each gender, and a pair of classes mostly filled with one gender, then the opposite binary gender needed it’s equivalent to that. Of course, I wasn’t willing to go solely on that (tho I sure do love numerical symmetry!!), so I made this post, tho it didn’t receive much help following my preexisting structure. So I then looked into the canon of each aspect and it seemed nearly confirmed here and here that witches and sylphs are pairs, so boom, heir and page! But that is not all - I also believe that heir and page work quite well as counterparts when we look at the kids who represent them and how they acted for their sessions, with John “becoming” breath the second he entered, and Jake “becoming” Hope at his character climax. Also rufioh horuss symmetry blah blah I don’t have the chart I made explaining even more bc my old device broke but anyway it was deep and super cool.

EXPLOIT Knight (-) / Maid (+) - Initially when I read the bits of postcanon where Aradiabot told Dave they were “essentially the same” or whatever I was like huh that connection seems tenuous. Anywas tho then I started thinking - they do seem to serve very similar roles, and im betting that the maid would be as efficient in frog breeding as the knight. The maid allows others to make full use of their aspect, or exploit it - Aradia allows Sollux to create the game (thus, exploiting fate) and serves within the dream bubbles (thus, exploiting the afterlife ohoho im so funny), both of these things aided by time. Jane is one of the main contributors to Jake coming to fruition as a page, and even the Dolorosa put the Sufferer’s aspect in place, raising and allowing him to create bonds amongst the other low bloods.

UNDERSTAND Mage (-) / Seer (+) - This one is pretty obvious I think, they both understand their aspect and can see it carrying out, but in the Seers case is comes to them and not the other way around, while in the Mage’s case they kinda go thru shit and back to understand their aspect (Meulins relationships imploded upon themselves and ended up causing her permanent disability, and Sollux liek… already dealt a bad hand, plus mutant, plus Vriska, plus Aradia, ratio L)

REDISTRIBUTE Thief (-) / Rogue (+) - Also canon!! I chose the term “redistribute” specifically, tho, bc the thief takes their aspect and REDISTRIBUTES it to themselves, but rogues don’t like… steal thru their aspect, they also redistribute it!!

CHANGE Witch (-) / Sylph (+) - WIO THE FINSL ONE!!!!! Umm see here and here, if I’m honest I don’t know if the word “chsnge” is the best word to use but I am coming up short. N e wayz tho, the witch changes using their aspect like… very literally, w Jade manipulating space and stuff. But they also do it more symbolically, as with Feferi changing the preconceptions of life in the dream bubbles. Not sure about damara, but she probably did something too idk. Anyways then there is also sylph!! The sylph allows their aspect to be changed - see Kanayas fucked up attempts at frogs?? And especially how spidergirl allowed what was seen as preconceived fact to change itself if it helped further her case.

N e wayz I am doneso for tonite I think!! Goodnight all, I hope you enjoyed my ramblings !! They r not very good but they definitely happened!!!!

[dolofinao]

And Then They Were Villains

                    Chapter One

             BASKETBALL IT IS

"I can't wait to hit that!" Mike gave a subtle point with his finger at the light skinned black girl sitting at the far left of us, stretching on the gym floor. "Got her number at lunch yesterday. She told me to come over Friday after school. So you know what that means." He started making obnoxious moaning sounds while pounding his fists on the bleachers. Typical young high school kid shit.

Mike was the high school pretty boy. Fly gear, good hair & tall. His grades were shit but when it came to the ladies, he was passing with flying colors. So much that us regular guys used to make bets every year on which new girl Mike would hook up with first. And this year he had his eyes set on Mandy. The light skinned black girl in gym glass who would stretch before volleyball games. And us guys would watch her like hawks.

We had just finished up our football game so we had a few minutes to relax & drool over the ladies before the gym teacher would tell us to 'go be active.' Volleyball wasn't our thing, so most of the fellas would play more contact sports. Anthony (Ant) blurted out our next move. "Half court dodgeball." We all looked at him confused. Mike let out a fake laugh. "Yeah sure Ant. With what ball? The red one is done for & that black one got stolen so... yeah. Not happening." Ant sucked his teeth & sank back into the bleacher seat behind him. Ant was the 'ideas' man. Short, nerdy but super chill kinda dude. Also had a bit of a temper if you ever pushed his buttons too hard. He actually got suspended for 2 weeks one year for slamming a senior onto a lunch table & telling him he was gonna "slit his throat" if he ever touched his fries again. Ever since then he was Ant. The short, strong nerd kid who picked up and slammed a 6 foot tall senior jock & lived to tell about it.

Zach, was the only white dude in our little crew of random black kids. He hung with us because we never judged him for being the way he was. He dressed & acted like us but lived the suburban life back home. And we didn't give a shit. And if anybody stepped to him for 'acting black'... we would let them know what time it was. That was our thing. We all bonded because we were all different in some interesting ways. In ways we didn't see in other kids at school. And we looked out for each other. Even if some of us never threw a punch a day in our lives.

But back to Zack, who decided to wake up from his pot head nap to chime in on our conversation. He sat up straight & fixed his long gold link chain & dragon charm. "I brought that ball back. Like a week ago. Naw wait. Two days ago." Now HE was the recipient of our confused looks. "Brought WHAT ball back?" I said slowly in hopes that he would for once give us a clear and coherent answer. "That black dodgeball. Threw it under the bleachers so no one could use it." We all turned and looked at each other & communicated without speaking. As if we were all trying to decipher Zachs weed smoker logic, & then came to whatever conclusions made the most sense to us.

Mike gave Zachs arm a quick slap with the back of his hand. "Ok so get your ass up & get it dude!" Zach let out a goofy sounding low toned chuckle. "Naw bro, it's like waaaaay under there. Way too dark and dusty too." He pulled at the tongue of one of his all white Air Forces to let us know exactly why he wasn't the man for the job.

Before any of us had the chance to roast Zach for his lame ass excuse, I jumped up made my way down the set of bleachers to retrieve our dodgeball. "Fuck it, I'll get it." I looked down at my all black outfit & had a moment of pause in my head. Too late now. Ant wasn't far behind me. "If you get stuck or can't get it, lemme know." He said. As well dressed as Ant was, he somehow managed to keep his clothes spotless even in the most messy of situations. I gave him a 'good lookin out' nod & readied myself to head under.

From where I was standing I could see our dodgeball. Just sitting there, looking back at me. Probably wondering why it was under there in the first place.  Making my way to it was pretty easy. It was just a matter of not smaking my head off of anything while I moved. Half way under, I did this thing I do sometimes. I jokingly thought to myself... 'What if these bleachers just started to close in on me? Like if this was all just a set up? I wonder how much time I would have before I got crushed? Oh shit.'

A slightly echoing voice called from behind me. "You see it?... you got it?" I picked up the dodgeball along with fingers full of dust and debris that had accumulated around the bottom of it. "Yeah I got it." Ant disappeared to tell the rest of the crew the good news. The crouch walk back was a bit more tedious. I felt like I was holding onto a precious artifact, while also trying not to bang my head off of anything. I was just about all the way from underneath when I remembered. 'Bleachers closing in 5... 4... 3... 2...' I gave myself a longer last second countdown & did a small jump out into the gym lights & fresh air. Mike and the rest of them were already gathered on the right side of the gym floor.

I jogged over and went for a lazy layup with the dodgeball & missed. Mike grabbed it from it's stationary bounce and started doing his 'And 1' moves before tossing the ball to Zach with some force behind the pass. He caught it off balance and played it off with a spin move & a few dribbles between his legs.

Ant looked at the stragglers who were still hanging out on the bleachers. "Half court dodgeball! Who's down to play?!?" We got a few glances back, a few 'no thanks' gestures, & a few mumbles, but nobody got up from the bleachers.

Ant turned back to us and shrugged. "Ay man I tried." And to be fair, the stragglers pretty much consisted of the 'fuck everything' & 'no contact' kids. So half court anything was pretty much a no go.

I walked over to Zach who was still in his dribbling zone out & snatched the

dodgeball from him. I shot from half court & missed again. Basketball it is.

[sjw-dipper]

our society is obsessed with youth and looking young when you're older which, if you happen to be in your 20's and get mistaken as a teenager a lot, people will constantly tell you how lucky you are. they'll tell you that when you're in your 40's you'll look like you're in your 20's. you know they're just trying to compliment you but there is something they fail to realize. at first I thought this was just me but after talking to friends I really wish this was more of a common discussion. it almost seems like there should be a support group or something. because there is a certain kind of.... inherent trauma almost... that comes with looking so young.

you're constantly wondering about the true nature of anyone who is attracted to you, especially if they saw you before finding out your age. one guy straight up joked that I must always be scared of anyone who likes me being a pedophile. and like, he was joking but he was completely right. it's terrifying really. to have to constantly wonder if you're actually capable of being loved by people your own age because you're acutely aware that as someone who is 20+ but looks 15 (aka "legal" but doesn't seem like it) you're the jackpot prize of any creep with a "loli/shota" fetish. not only do you second guess all your relationships, you develop an unique kind of self loathing.

part of you knows this is just another result of society encouraging kids and teens to look as adult as possible at younger and younger ages and you're just collateral for the real victims of this phenomenon. but the other part sees how many people your age still look older without makeup or anything, which means this is the norm now and you got left behind in the standards of last century.

I don't know how common this is for people who are assumed male but I imagine it's very common for people who are assumed female given how predatory we know cishet men are. all I know is I wish I could read stories by people in similar positions and how they got over it but every time I look there's nothing. almost like it's something we all know but wouldn't dare say. it's a never-ending conflict raging inside your head and there are never any winners