#we’re hanging out sunday and i need to get over myself. but she’s just so. like. she’s soooooooo

[livvyofthelake]

why did my dad have to have his retirement party on a day i could have been going wonking instead. does he hate women or something goddamn

[coelakanths]

i miss my girlfriend so fuckeng much u guys .

[raya-hunter01]

Not My Sister's Keeper Pt. 9

Roman X OC(Kara)

Jey Uso X OC (Tia)

Rating: 18+

Warning: Smut; sex, fluff, couple arguing, Jealousy, infidelity, pregnancy

Roamn’s wife recently left medical school and returned home to save her marriage. Upon her return, she finds out things are not what they seem. Her sister is pregnant by her best friend Jey Uso, who is also Roman’s cousin, and her husband is acting suspicious.

What happens when a conversation overhead on a baby monitor blows her world apart?

Boston Municipal Courthouse

Janice’s POV

“Mama, I’m ok,” Roman said as I sat there in disbelief as they took Tia out of the courtroom. “Son something ain’t right…..Why did they sentence her today? Why she got a short sentence, weren’t we all watching the same video because she needs to be up under the jail.”

“The Judge said it was because of the plea deal, her clean record and just wanting this over for everyone,” he said looking at Kara who seemed to be struggling with the verdict and I don’t blame her.

“Son something in the milk ain’t clean…..Regardless of the verdict he should have rescheduled a date for sentencing. That would have given him time to give a more suitable sentence for crime because that wasn’t it,” I said as Roman hugged me.

“Ma, can we just leave, I’m ready to get outta Boston,” he said as I sighed giving him a hug seeing Jey heading over.

“Aye, you ok auntie?” he asked as Roman moved and I gave him a hug. “Yes, baby I am, just can’t believe what happened in here today.”

“Neither can but we’re all bout to go leave and get some rest. We’re flying out tomorrow but planning to hit up the 16 East Bar and Grill in Pensacola on Sunday before we head back out on the road,” Jey said smiling at me.

“You’re inviting us?” Roman asked in shock as Jey sighed. “I’m still mad as hell at you, but I can’t help but be thankful you were there with Kara. You risked your life to save her and Trin…That what family do.”

“I love them both…I always will, it ain’t nothing to thank me for.”

“Well, the option is open, we’ll probably get there about 7. Trin reserved the patio, so we ain’t gotta worry about people,” Jey said as I smiled.

Hey, I will take those baby steps in the healing process. I know we will come back together in some shape or form.

“Well, we will meet ya’ll there Sunday,” Roman said as I tried to contain my excitement, praying this was a positive step in the right direction for us.

----

Kara’s House

Kara’s POV

I’m glad we did come back to the house alone and just chilled out. I don’t know how I would have reacted hanging out with my mom, I needed time to decompress. 

“Girl, I love this back yard,” Trin gushed as I smiled wrapping myself up in my blanket.

“Thanks, when I saw the firepit I fell in love,” I said as she nodded roasting her marshmallows.

“I may have to talk Jimmy into getting us one. You know marshmallows are my weakness.” “That’s why I keep them stocked up ma’am,” I said as she smiled brightly at me.

“I know you had a lot of work to make up, did you finish?” Trin asked as I smiled. “I’m finally caught up, it wasn’t easy, but I have two A’s and two high B’s” I said truly proud of how I overcame and turned everything around.

“Yes! You know when you graduate I’mma act a fool…You know this right?” she said making me laugh as I looked at Jey flipping the meat on the grill as Jimmy was telling him some animated story. I loved their relationship so much.

“Have you told Jey?” Trin asked as I smiled at her. “Told him what?”

“Uh, that you love him, duh,” she said as I blushed. “I’ll have you know I told him the night I woke up from surgery.”

“That’s great…So are ya’ll together or what is we doing?”

“I’m scared Trin,” I said honestly as she nodded in understanding. “Do you want to be with Jey?” she asked as I nodded. “Yea, I really do.”

“Then be with him Kara, what’s the problem?.…That man loves and adores you,” she said gently pushing my shoulder.

 “I can see the blogs now having a fucking field day. Imagine their us at family gatherings. Chile, did you hear Kara is here with Joshua like she wasn’t married to Roman.”  I mocked as Trin shrugged her shoulders.

“Girl, fuck them bloggers and keyboard trolls, they don't know you and it ain't they fuckin' business. Plus, you knew Jey before Roman anyway."

"Ok, but like I said, what about the family gatherings. You know they always have parties and cookouts," I said as Trin smiled.

"Fuck their opinions too, but I don’t think it will be a problem, everyone loves you, especially mom and pops. They hate what Roman did and I think you’re overthinking it.”

“So much is going on, I just don’t want to hurt him Trin,” I whispered as she reached over and put her hand on my knee.

“It’s your time to be happy Kara and damn what people think. Life is too short, and you got a second chance at life.”

“I know I got a second chance, but I’m scared of screwing this up,” I said finally voicing my fears.

“Live your life Kara, tomorrow ain’t promised to none of us. You don’t owe anybody anything, ain’t no debts around here,” Trin said as I gave her a hug.

“I know and I love you, girly.  Ugh, I’m so tired of crying,” I sniffed failing to stop my tears.

“I love you too, sis, it’s time for the happy tears now because you deserve it.”

“You really think so?” I asked barely above a whisper as she rubbed my back. “I know so, everything you’ve ever wanted for yourself in this life about to happen and I can’t wait to see witness it.”

“Ya’ll aright over there?” Jimmy asked as Jey turned to look back at us.

“Yea, just two sisters having our daily talk,” I said as Trin laughed.

“Ya’ll know how we get, let us have our moment,” she said as Jimmy shook his head. “Man, what we gon’ do with them two?” Jimmy asked as Jey chuckled handing him a pan so he could take some of the steaks off the grill.

“Love ‘em and let them do their thang,” he chuckled. “Yea, what he said!” Trin yelled as I laughed.

Trin was right it’s my time to put myself first and live my life. Anything or anybody that disrupts my peace from this point forward gotta go, because it’s a new beginning for me, for us all.

-----

Pensacola, FL

A Few Days Later

Janice’s POV

We been home a couple days, and it was my day to pick up Logan. I can’t place it, but I knew something wasn’t right. “Lord, uncover whatever it is because we’ve all been through enough,” I said aloud feeling nauseous pulling into Rebecca and Bill’s driveway.

Knocking on the door and getting no answer, I called and once again no answer. I saw Rebecca’s car and had talked to her ten minutes ago. I was getting irritated now.

“How the hell you gon’ tell me to come over to get Logan and not pick up the phone or answer the door.” I mutter looking under the rug for their spare key.

Opening the door, I looked around and there was no sign of Rebecca in the foyer or living room. I could hear Logan babbling on the baby monitor in the living room, so I knew she was ok.

 “Rebecca!” I called out, no answer. “This how these damn horror movie start, I hope this fool is ok,” I mutter heading towards the kitchen.

“I can’t thank you enough Terry,” I heard Rebecca say as I stopped in my tracks.

Who the hell is Terry?

“Rebecca, this is the last time I’m taking your call. I did this favor for you and Tia, but I don’t want to be tied to the drama. I got too much to lose,” I heard the familiar voice say as she laid the phone on the table.

“Thank you for helping her, she really is anxious to make it right with her sister when she gets out,” Rebecca said grabbing Logan’s formula putting it in her baby bag.

The damn judge….She was the reason for that shit show the other day.

“That’s good and all but I put in a no contact order in the paperwork for a reason. I truly feel she meant what she did and her actions alone warranted life in prison, but I helped you for old time sakes,” he said sounding seemingly disappointed with himself.

“I---We appreciate this so much, she’s going to stay out of trouble when she gets out and we won’t bother you again.”

I was physically ill, this was sick.

“I don’t know what hold your daughter has over you…But if this goes bad, it’s on your head. It would be in her best interest to just leave Kara be,” he said as she shook her head.

“I will handle Kara; she will come around and see Tia was just going through a lot and didn’t mean to hurt her. I just know by the time it’s time for Tia to get out, they will have reconnected, and Kara will be calling you to cancel that no contact order.”

This woman has lost it, like needs to sit on someone’s couch…ASAP. Hearing enough, I quietly retraced my steps finally finding my way back in the entrance of the house pretending I had just arrived.

“Rebecca, I’m here to get Logan!” I said a little louder as I heard her scrambling round the kitchen.

“She’s upstairs, I’ll get her,” she yelled as I shook my head.

I can’t believe she sold out her own daughter to protect the other one that tried to kill her. She and Tia are really one in the same she just masks her dirt.

It seemed like it took forever, but finally she brought Logan downstairs.

“Oh, baby girl I missed you,” I whispered as she placed a dozing Logan in my arms. “I put her formula in the bag, and she’s already had a bottle. She should be asleep before you get back home,” Rebecca said as I smiled at my little light.

That’s what she was to us, no matter how she was conceived, our little light.

“You can pick her up at Roman’s on Thursday. I’ll leave you to your nana break and see you tomorrow at dinner,” I said grabbing Logan’s diaper bag quickly wanting to get the hell outta dodge.

“Ok, we’ll see you then and enjoy her,” she said giving Logan a kiss on the forehead.

“Oh, we will,” I said making my way out of the house, thankful she didn’t follow me out. After strapping logan in her car seat I rushed to get back in the car to call Trin but got no answer, then I remembered she had a signing to do today.

“Hey sweetie, I forgot you had a signing, and I know ya’ll gotta help out Josh tonight. I’ll just see you tomorrow at dinner. You and Jonathon be safe, love ya’ll.”

I guess I’m on my own with this one, but I know one thing, Kara will know about the shady shit her mama did and I’mma make Rebecca tells her if it’s the last thing I do.

-----

Pensacola, FL

Jey’s House

Kayla’s POV

Getting out of the shower I felt refreshed as I dried off. Looking at myself in the mirror I felt different.. Today was amazing, we had our balcony picnic date. It was simple, beautiful, and was everything.  Pizza, wine, and some of my favorite snacks had been on the menu.

The ocean serving as our backdrop and music as the waves crashed upon the shore due to a storm heading our way. We even went on a walk on the beach and watched the sunset before we got rained out. Hence the shower I just took.

I still hadn’t told Jey how I felt but today just solidified it even more. I was deeply in love with this man.

“You ok in there Kara?” Jey asked knocking on the door as I smiled.

“Yea, I’m good I’ll be out in a second,” I said dressing my wound. Thank God it’s finally healing and not hurting as much.  Slipping on one of Jey’s shirts, I cut off the lights as I headed back into the bedroom, frowning when I didn’t see him.

“Jey-”

“I’m out here on the balcony, wait I’mma come get you,” he said as I smiled at the thought of going back out there.

“What have you done now?” I asked as he smiled clad only in a pair of shorts. “This is part two of your balcony picnic date, Ma,” he whispered offering me his hand as I anxiously took it.

“Aww it’s so pretty….Wait where did all this come from?” I gasped as he led me back out on the balcony. “Told you I wasn’t done yet, do you like it?”

“I love it but how did you do it? We been out here all day and I know I ain’t seen no bed out here earlier.” I said as he laughed.

“A couple of lil birdies did it when we went for a walk on the beach. This is your new study area for when you come to visit.” he said as I blushed looking at the bed on the balcony surrounded by pillows and the beautiful string lights above it.

“I can’t believe you did all this,” I said as he smiled, laying down beckoning me to him with his finger.

“Come on down here, Ma, I owe you a movie.” Not needing to be told twice, I climbed in bed and got comfortable in his arms.

“You know, I’ve always loved staying here.  I could fall asleep out here just listening to the ocean, and now you done put a bed out here. You know it’s a wrap right, I may never leave,” I sighed, welcoming his lips as he placed a gentle kiss on the hollow of my neck. as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders pulling him closer.

“Maybe that was my plan, kidnap you, and never let you leave,” he said as I relaxed wanting to feel more of him as his hands caressed my bare thighs.

“You can’t kidnap the willing,” I moaned, his fingers feeling so good but I winced slightly as Jey looked at me with worry.

“Are you ok?” He asked as I nodded not wanting him to stop. “Kara, let me can get up, I’on  wanna hurt you,” he said trying to sit up as I grabbed his Cuban link holding him in place.

“I’m fine, don’t you dare move,” I said as he smiled, rolling over on his back wrapping me up in his arms.

“Ok, this is a good compromise too,” I moaned getting comfortable as the pain in my chest subsided. “I know it is, stubborn ass,” Jey chuckled, reaching up to turn off the lights and starting the movie projector.

“What are we watching?” I asked, as he gently pulled one of my legs across his lap before covering us up with a blanket.

“You’ll see,” he whispered stealing a kiss as I squealed hearing the opening credits to Dirty Dancing as he laughed.

“The stuff I do for you, woman.”

“I love this movie!”

“I know, I remembered how excited you was at the hospital that night it came on. Then you got mad and almost made me switch the channel.”

“Hey, I was ready for the love scene, and they cut it… Just plain blasphemous, but I took one for the team because one simply doesn’t change the channel when Patrick Swayze is blessing your TV screen.” I said as he raised his eyebrow at me.

“I’ll try to keep that in mind,” he joked as we settled in to watch the movie under the stars.

See Jey knew my love languages and I loved that. He knew what mattered, it wasn’t diamonds and pearls, or even money. It was spending quality time, it was physical touch, and creating memories with the ones you love. Jey’s love languages were a mixture of my mine. He loved to please and do for those he loved.

 He made sure every day to tell and show you how much you mean to him, and he only wanted the same in return and rightfully so.

“I’m glad you had fun and loved everything,” he said pulling me closer.

“I really did, and I hope you know I don’t just be hugged up with just anybody now,” I said as he looked down at me with a smile, catching on to what I was saying.

“Well, I don’t just do balcony picnics dates for just anybody either.” His lips close to mine as my heart pounded loudly against my chest.

“I have to warn you, I only do things like this with my man,” I whispered, as our lips finally meeting in a short, deep passionate kiss.

“And I only do things like this with my lady.” he moaned as our lips found each other once again as our kisses becoming more passionate by the second.

“For us,” Jey moaned against my lips as I whimpered against him.

“For us.”

“You sure?” He rasped pulling back slightly, watching me closely through low hooded eyes.

“I’m sure…I’ve never been sure of anything in my life,” I said as Jey caressed my face.

 “Forever my lady,” he whispered as his lips descended upon mine as I felt like I was flying. We were finally here at last and it felt so good. Breaking our kiss to catch our breaths.

“Ma, we can wait…I-I don’t want to hurt you,” Jey moaned, his beautiful brown eyes growing darker as I moved his hand slowly down to the hem of my shirt.

“You won’t, I trust you,” I gasped as his resolve crumbling taking me in a searing kiss, only releasing me from his grasp to remove my shirt.

“Your so beautiful, he whispered in awe as I blushed under his powerful serenading gaze.

Like a moth to a flame, I craved his touch and trembled with anticipation as he towered over me. The pain in my chest a distant memory, laying on my back as Jey took his time exploring my body.

His powerful hands grasping mine, bringing them to his chest as I felt his heart racing.

“I want you to feel what you do to me,” he said licking his lips as I groaned, biting my lower lip as he thrusted my hips against his dick that was straining against his shorts begging for release.

His hands controlling every sensual buck of my hips against his dick as it continued to grow longer and harder.

“Mmm, I feel it,” I gasped, his lips capturing mine in an earth-shattering kiss as my hands anxiously helped him remove his shorts.

“Not yet aulelei,” he moaned grabbing my hands gently pining them to the bed. His kisses moved to my neck, my heart racing as he caressed my breasts, being careful of my bandage.

“Are you sure?” he asked again.

“Yes, please,” I pleaded entangling my fingers in his hair as he gently suckled at my breasts taking his time with each one giving them equal attention holding my gaze as I fought back a moan.

“Mm, you sensitive huh,” he whispered with a smirk as I blushed. His lips lovingly kissing and nibbling down my body, teasingly as I fought to get ahold of myself but I was gone…

“Jey, don’t stop,” I gasped, my body trembling in anticipation of what was next to come.

 His eyes darkening as kissed the top of my mound gazing up at me with low eyes licking his lips as he descended lower. “I don’t plan too,” he whispered as I purred in appreciation.

Jey’s POV

Damn, I’m drunk…Drunk in love her intoxicating sent as I kissed the plush beautiful lips between her thighs, as Kara’s legs began to quiver.

“P- Please, Jey,” Kara as I groaned as I felt my dick get even harder.

"Fuck, all this for me aulelei? Tell me?” I moaned as her eyes met mine.

“Yes! Mmm, you know it is,” Kara gasped as I flattened my tongue and gently licked her slit, unable to stop the moan that rasped from my lips as the first drop of her sweet nectar coated my tongue.

“Mmm, I knew you’d taste like honey…. You done fucked around and created a monster, Ma,” I moaned, snatching her hips to my mouth as I swirled my tongue against her clit, commencing to drown in her.

“Jey, shit!” Kara gasped down at me in shock as I smirked.  The beautiful catch in her throat as I pleased her had me on demon time. I needed more…Much more and only she could give me what I wanted.

 “I- Mmm-” Kara moaned, trying to push my head away as I Ignored her plea intertwining our hands together, moving my tongue faster against her wet hot center.

“Stop runnin’, cause’ you deserve dis nut…..You understand me?”

Kara nodded, unable to speak. “Tell me you understand aulelei ?”

“I-I understand,” Kara whimpered as I moaned “Ain’t no stoppin’ Kara….Ain’t no stoppin’ till you nut in my mouth like a good girl,” I breathed against her pussy before going back to the task at hand.

“Fuck!..Oouu Josh, shit!” She moaned, her trembling legs over my shoulder as she sat up slightly panting in disbelief.

“Yea, you wit a real one now, moan my name baby. Damn, you makin’ my dick even harder just thinkin’ bout you nuttin’ in my mouth,” I confessed, knowing my words were encouraging her to get what she wanted…What we both needed.

“Mmm, I need it so bad,” Kara moaned moving her hips against my tongue. “Mmhm, so do I baby…. Dat’s it, you doin’ so good”

“Joshjoshjosh Mmhm!”

“Mmhm, get what’s yours. Fuck, you look so sexy chasin’ yo’ nut,” I moaned as she bit her lower lip, gripping the back of my head riding my face.

 “Babe! Kara exclaimed as she exploded in my mouth. Her beautiful face and the swivel of her hips as she rode out her orgasm were a thing of beauty.

I couldn’t get enough of her as I greedily drank her essence with a hearty moan as she writhed on the bed trying to catch her breath.  

Yea, I did dat…Fuck, I wanna keep her this way forever.

Crawling up her body, her flush face welcomed me as she grasped my Cuban link kissing me with urgency as I groaned nipping at her bottom lip.

“Mmm, you taste yourself?….You taste good, don’t you?” I groaned as Kara whimpered against my lips. Her trembling hand, reaching down between us grabbing my dick placing the tip at her entrance as I moaned trying to control myself.

“Mmm, tell me what you need,” I moaned, Kara pulling me closing whispering three words that made ignited an even deeper fire within me. “You inside me,” she gasped breathlessly as I  gave in, her tight warmth surrounding me, welcoming me home.

“Shit, Kara,” I groaned trying to take my time knowing she was still hurt, but she was making it hard. I wanted to sink inside her and get lost.  

“It’s ok,” she moaned, pulling me closer. A collective gasp of undeniable pleasure from us both filled the air as I filled her to the hilt.  

Kara’s POV

The sweat gathered at his brow as he’s trying to maintain his composure slowly beginning to thrust inside me as I craved more. “Mmm, faster.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Jey moaned as I nodded not particularly caring, he felt so good, and I wanted him closer but I knew him.

“Your not,” I gasped as he gripped my hips gently once again surging forward as we both groaned at the sensation.

“I’mma take my time….Make love to you,” Jey whispered burying his head in the hollow of my neck, tilting his weight on his elbows, thrusting at a new angle that rendered me whimpering mess as he showered my neck with kisses.

“Damn, found my first spot,” he groaned as I began meeting his thrusts, feeling the pressure building with each caress, every lick and thrust we got lost in each other.

Something was different, this wasn’t sex like it was all those months ago on Roman’s bus.  This was different, we were making love and it felt so good.

With each swivel of his hips, he went deeper and deeper, our lips meeting in a familiar dance as our tongues sensually stroked each other.

The smell of rain and the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore made the moment even more special.

Each second, body to body, skin to skin we climbed higher and higher together as Jey carefully rolled onto his back, shifting me onto my side, trying to take some pressure off of my chest but never stopping his gently thrusts.

A strangled moan escaped my lips at the new position as Jey wrapped one arm around my chest, the other placing one of my leg over his as I trembled in his arms.

“It’s just us…. Stop being shy, ma,” he rasped against my ear thrusting at a steadier pace.

“Mmm, you feel so good. I need it so bad, Josh!” I cried as he growled nipping at my neck as tears sprang to my eyes from the immense pleasure.

“I know baby, me too, I need you to cum for me…You gon’ give me what I want, ain’t you?”

“Yes! I’m close, don’t stop,” my desperate cries silenced as he grasped my throat bringing my mouth to his in a scorching kiss, as I writhed in need against him.  His other hand to toying with my clit.

“You gon’ cum for me, like a good girl?” Jey asked already knowing the answer, his thrusts and breathing more uneven as I pulsed around him.

“Mmm,Yes.”

“Louder, Ma.”

“Yes! I’mma cum like a good girl, I promise,” I cried unashamed. He was dickin’ my ass down and it felt so damn good.

“Yea…Let it go, Ma. Damn, you so feel good,” he murmured against my lips.

“Josh! Fuck!” I cried coming undone in his arms. “Mmm, fuck yea look at you cummin’ just for me,” Jey praised pulling out, rubbing his dick against my clit.  “Mmm, put it back in,” I begged truly drunk on him at this point, and I wanted all he had to give.

Jey’s POV

“Uh huh, I know baby, dat pussy quivering. You need some more of dis dick don’t you?” I groaned turned on as fuck as Kara reached down, moving my hand, grasping my dick rubbing against her clit before sliding the tip back inside her.

“Take what you want, I’m yours.”

 “I want more,” Kara purred guiding my dick back inside her as we both gasped as we became one again….

“Fuck, yea…Put dat dick back in for daddy and get you another nut I moaned as we moved against each other in sync.

 “I- I want you to cum now.” Kara whimpered against me as I felt a her tight pussy swallowing my dick like a champ. Fuck, I wasn’t gon’ last too much longer.

 “Hold on, we both gon’ get this next nut together,” I groaned on a mission thrusting harder. “Josh- Wh-”

“Just breathe, ma…Let it take over, I promise its gon’ feel so good,” I whispered nibbling on her ear as I felt her relax. “Baby….Baby…Mm, Josh,” Kara gasped.

“Yea..I’m right here Kara, I got you.”

“What are you doing to me?” Kara groaned trying to hide her face but I refused to let her. Grabbing her chin, making her look at me.

“I’ll tell you what I’m doin’…..I’m makin’ love to the woman I love,” I declared, continuing to get lost inside her.

“I love you,” Kara moaned as our lips met in a sloppy kiss as she took my hand and placed it on her clit, and guiding my hand in a figure eight motion as she began steadily throwing her ass back on my dick to match my deep hard thrust.

“Shit! I love you more. …Now be my good girl, and cum for me…Fuck you doin’ so good, ma,” I moaned.

“Jey! Mmm, fuck!” Kara screamed as I felt her pulsing around my dick.

“Uh huh, I know it baby, I feel it.”

“Cum with me.”

 “Can I cum inside you?” I groaned thrusting harder praying she would say yes. “Yes, I want you too Josh,” she whimpered as her head fell back against my shoulder in shock as she fell over the cliff of extasy, taking me with her as I groaned in triumph holding her trembling body against mine as I came and stilled inside her.

The sounds of the rain hitting the roof, along with our heavy breathing filled the night air. Neither one of us said anything for a few minutes, too stunned to speak.

 “Damn, that was insane,” I whispered, finally somewhat regaining my composure as Kara rolled onto her back still trying to catch her breath.

“Best balcony picnic date ever,” Kara said with a relaxed smile as I gently kissed her lips.

“No regrets,” I whispered as Kara caressed my beard. “No regrets.”

------

Roman's House

Janice's POV

"Mama, I can't believe he posted this," Roman said as I leaned over his shoulder to look at his phone.

"Aww that was nice Joshua did that for Kara," I said as Roman rolled his eyes.

Mama-"

"What it's very sweet."

"What about the blanket hanging off the bed mama? He's being messy, in so many words sayin' he slept with Kara," Roman said as I frowned at him.

"Roman they could have been cuddling watching movies for all we know, but in the end, it isn't your business what Kara does."

"I know, but can people give me time to deal with what I lost? I lost my wife and now she's with my cousin." Roman said slightly raising his voice.

"Roman, Kara isn't going to put her life on hold to make you feel better. I had something to tell you, but I see you aren't in the right frame of mind to hear it right now." I said choosing to not pass on the new information I found out at Rebecca's today. He'll find out tomorrow like everyone else.

"No I'm not in a good head space, but I will be when I get some air," Roman said as I got up and stood by the kitchen door.

"No you ain't because you're going to end up at Josh's and I'm not letting you do that to Kara or yourself," I said putting my foot down.

"I just need some air, mama, please move," Roman pleaded as I refused to move.

"The last time you went out to get some air you ended up in Boston and could have got yourself killed, so no I ain't moving."I cried. Roman was at his breaking point, but he needed to get all this shit out. He was holding too much in.

"What do you want from me?!" Roman yelled as I pulled him into my arms giving him a much needed hug as his arms tightened around me.

"I want you to let it go, baby...Let that guilt go and free yourself, it's almost been a year." I said trying to get through to him.

"I lost her and I can't fix it," Roman said his voice breaking as rubbed his back. "Some things aren't meant to be fixed Roman...We just own up to our mistakes and take it one day at a time," I said as he pulled away wiping his tears.

"I know I gotta let her go, mama. My mind tells me that every day but my heart ain't caught up yet," Roman said sitting back down and looking at his phone.

"It will...Just give yourself time," I said as we heard Logan cry over the baby monitor.

"I got her, you went the last time," Roman said going to check on Logan leaving his phone on the table.

Picking it up I looked at Josh's post and smiled.

"Gon' head Joshua," I muttered truly happy that Kara was moving on and being loved how she deserved to be.

The thought of tomorrow suddenly crept back into my mind. I hated to disrupt the dinner tomorrow but I couldn't let this betrayal stay hidden.

Kara needed to know there was more than one enemy she needed protection from. I just never in my wildest dreams thought it would be her own mother.

Tomorrow Rebecca is coming clean or i'mma do it myself.

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[villainesses]

you’ll always be my favorite ghost, a baby billy freeman mix for his beautiful, fantasy aimee-leigh

→ listen on spotify, selected lyrics under the cut

part one

i. my favourite faded fantasy ‣ you could hold the secrets that save me from myself / i could love you more than love could all the way from hell / you could be my poison, my cross, my razor blade / i could love you more than life / if i wasn’t so afraid

ii. tonight you belong to me ‣ i know (i know) you belong to somebody new / but tonight you belong to me / although (although) we’re apart / you’re a part of my heart / and tonight you belong to me

iii. babe, you turn me on ‣ everything is falling, dear / everything is wrong / it’s just history repeating itself / and babe, you turn me on / like a light bulb, babe / like a song

iv. take it off ‣ in the back of my closet, there’s a yellow dress / the tag is still on it / won’t you give me a reason / to take it off?

v. limp ‣ but no matter what i try, you’ll beat me with your bitter lies / so call me crazy, hold me down, make me cry, get off now, baby / it won’t be long till you’ll be lying limp in your own hands

vi. i will always ‣ and when it all seems like a mistake / take whatever you need to take / leave the rest for my own sake / i will always go beside you / you will always understand it

vii. take me to church ‣ if the heavens ever did speak / she’s the last true mouthpiece / every sunday’s gettin’ more bleak / a fresh poison each week / we were born sick, you heard them say it

viii. lie to me ‣ and if there’s anything i learned that will keep me standing / if i take you at your word then i’m empty-handed / a tongue like yours should be burned and branded / so i can see you lie to me

ix. big god ‣ you know i still like you the most / the best of the best and the worst of the worst / well, you can never know the places that i go / i still like you the most / you’ll always be my favourite ghost

part two

i. 25th december ‣ and all of a sudden i’m stuck with an urge to unlock a door / with a key that’s too big for my hands / and i drop it, and it falls at your feet / come on, come on, it’s there at your feet

ii. feeling of falling ‣ it’s after midnight baby, i’m sittin’ here all alone / i tried to call your number baby / but you weren’t at home / i been a good girl baby, through with all that mess / but the way i’m feelin’ now, darlin’ / well it scares me half to death

iii. iris ‣ and i’d give up forever to touch you / ‘cause i know that you feel me somehow / you’re the closest to heaven that i’ll ever be / and i don’t wanna go home right now

iv. forget me not ‣ forget me not, my dear, my darling / forget me not, my love / i just wanna hold your hand / hang on every word you say / let’s write a song for us / and sing until we’re old and grey

v. like a river runs ‣ when i fall asleep, i can see your face / what i lost in you i will not replace / and i could run away, i could let them down / but i will remember your light / your light, it follows me in darkness

interlude: the ghost of aimee-leigh

vi. live in the dream ‣ ‘cause there’s a lot of people here who wanna do you harm / but stay with me, you fallen lamb / and i’ll keep you in my arms / but i can’t live in the dream / the dream lives in me

epilogue: free fallin’ ‣ i wanna glide down over mulholland / i wanna write her name in the sky / i’m gonna free fall out into nothin’ / gonna leave this world for a while

[invisibleraven]

Haunted Holidays

December 21: Wrapping Paper <-AO3 link!

“I think that’s everything,” Carrie said as she looked over the sea of bags and boxes surrounding her.

“It had better be, I think we bought out half of LA,” Reggie groaned from where he had flung himself onto the couch.

“You know some of that is for you right?” Carrie replied.

“I’m aware,” Reggie said, looking up from the arms he had covering his face. “Which is why you should hide them while I’m too tired to peek.”

Carrie hummed but did grab a few bags and rushed off, making Reggie bite back a grin. Honestly he loved that she used the holiday season to spoil their loved ones. Stuff none of them would buy themselves, but they all secretly wanted. Carrie was aces at gifts, and Reggie was getting better since they started dating.

“Okay Peters,” Carrie declared as she reentered the den with a clap of her hands. “No napping, we have to get wrapping!”

Reggie groaned, sitting up and looking at her. “Okay, gimme a beat.”

Carrie scowled and waved a tube of wrapping paper at him. “Come on you.”

Reggie gave a mock salute and started taking items out of bags, handing them over to Carrie so she could find the right gift bag or bow to go with each gift. “I always figured you’d get a professional to do this kind of thing.”

She shook her head. “That’s more my dad’s thing. I like wrapping gifts, giving it that personal touch. Shows that you’re willing to spend the time on it outside the thought of the gift itself.”

“When I was a kid I wrapped all my gifts in the comics section of the newspaper-saved up the colour pages every Sunday to do it,” Reggie commented.

“MeeMaw didn’t have paper for you to use?” Carrie asked. She knew better to ask about his parents-they only gave him shame, complexes, and recrimination, never presents.

“I wanted to do it myself,” Reggie said with a shrug. “She loved my version of a personal touch.”

“I bet you made her great gifts,” Carrie said. She had never met MeeMaw, the woman had unfortunately passed before she got the chance. But she loved hearing Reggie’s stories about her.

“Oh yeah, the best pages of scribbles, popsicle stick picture frames, and clay handprints you ever did see,” Reggie said, then a look of melancholy passed over his face. “She kept it all though, had a box of it all stored in the attic.”

Carrie scooted over , cuddling into his side. “She loved you, and treasured everything you gave her. I know I would.”

Reggie snorted. “Doll you gave me an itemized list of gifts.”

She had done that hadn’t she? And she knew he had bought her every one without complaint. “I know,” she whispered. “I think I needed a reminder that it isn’t what you get, but the love and thought behind it.”

“So I can return the ludicrously pricey scarf?” Reggie jested.

“Not on your life,” Carrie said, sticking her tongue out at him. “But feel free to wrap it in some newspaper if you keep the packaging on it.”

Reggie grinned, tilting her head back for a kiss. “You know, I just might do that.”

Then on Christmas morning, Carrie had to laugh when every single one of her expensive presents were wrapped in homemade paper-covered in Reggie’s doodles and lyrics.

She kept every piece. Which turned out to be worth it, as the next year she used the paper he had made to wrap his gifts in. RReggie gave a delighted bark when he noticed, and made a show out of oh so carefully peeling the tape off so they could use it again.

By the third year, it was getting a bit worn, so Carrie said they would just have to make new paper, and spent a lovely afternoon doing so. “But we’re still keeping the old stuff right?” Reggie asked shyly.

“Oh sinta of course!” Carrie assured him. “We could make a cool art piece out of them if you want.”

She missed the way his face lit up at that, but Reggie thought that was for the best because he now had a plan to blow all other Christmas’ out of the water!

Oh Christmas morning, Carrie came down the stairs, and saw something hanging on the wall, covered by a sheet. Reggie was standing next to it, looking a little nervous, a little tired, but still his gorgeous sunshiney self. “Hey doll, Merry Christmas,” he said, greeting her with a kiss when she replied in kind.

“You figure out what to do with the paper after?” Carrie asked, taking a step back to survey the large set up.

“Yup, you wanna do the honours?’ Reggie asked.

Carrie nodded and ripped off the sheet, then gasped. There they were --all the pieces of wrapping paper. Covered in their doodles, notes, and little bits of their history. A photo of the two of them after a paintball game where she had dominated and Reggie was just happy to be there. Riding side by side on horseback, though Reggie was doing so with considerable more grace.

There were programs and ticket stubs, and a few candy wrappers, lyrics to half finished songs, even a section for Tisdale, Carrie’s Shar Pei that Reggie used to walk every day-it was how they met after all. And though she had crossed the rainbow bridge, the both of them would forever be grateful for her influence in them getting together.

Then right in the middle, was an origami heart, with the words Open Me printed on it. Carrie grinned at Reggie, wondering what silly pun awaited her-he did love his jokes her man.

Only when she opened the heart, there were only two words printed there. WOrds that made Carrie’s heart race and her face break into a smile. A smile that grew even wider when she saw Reggie kneeling before her with a ring made of folder paper.

“I swear I got you a real one,” he said, offering it up. “But I kinda had to doll.”

“No no, this is perfect,” Carrie said, slipping the ring onto her finger. “Yes by the way.”

Reggie whooped and spun them around, all while Carrie admired her ring. She knew it would probably end up framed somewhere so she could keep it forever-but right now it outmatched even the brightest of diamonds, and was worth more to her than every gift under the tree.

[hilarychuff]

“So, um, how did you two meet?” Chrissy asks as they hit the highway. Robin looks over at Steve, and she can tell how smug he is about all of this from his side profile alone. He’s the most annoying boy in the world, a total dingus, but God, she loves him. She wouldn’t be in the backseat of a car with Chrissy Cunningham without him. If someone had tried to convince the Robin of one year ago that she’d be sitting with the reigning queen of Hawkins High in its fallen king’s BMW, she’d have told them to eat glass, but somehow he’s made it all happen. Not that she’ll tell him that. Now that he’s getting dates again, he’s already got a big enough head. He doesn’t need to try to claim all the credit for every girl she talks to, too. Still, he’s her favorite person. And if she’s honest with herself, she’s pretty sure that started way before the fourth of July. “I know you said you’re not dating,” Chrissy continues, looking between them, “but I don’t remember you being friends at school last year.” “Oh, we weren’t,” Robin says cheerfully. “I hated Steve’s guts because he was always eating something messy in Mrs. Click’s class. And I ranked too low in the social hierarchy for him to even know I existed. But then last summer we worked together at Scoops Ahoy at the mall and — well, with the whole Starcourt burning down thing —” “What did Erica call us, Rob?” Steve asks, catching her eye in the rearview mirror. “Trauma-bonded freakazoids?” “Something like that. Anyway, we’ve been pretty much inseparable ever since.” It’s close enough to the truth, at least. Chrissy doesn’t need to be burdened with the fact that their codependency is less related to a fictional fire and more to the reality that they were drugged together, tortured together, that they nearly died together maybe five times over in a 24-hour span. That they faced down Russian spies and the Mind Flayer and won themselves matching concussions when they’d crashed their car into a possessed classmate. “We’re at Family Video now,” Steve adds. “Robin’s a total film nerd — that’s how she knew about Desert Hearts coming out this weekend. How’d you hear about it, Chrissy?” “Oh, um…” Chrissy ducks her head, pulls her shoulders in again like she had in the theater. She picks at the skin around her left thumbnail, and Robin has to stick her fingers under her thigh so she doesn’t reach out and grab Chrissy’s hand. “Jason’s parents were pretty upset about it at dinner the other day,” she eventually admits. “I guess they heard about it from someone at their church who has family in the city.” Robin watches as Chrissy stares hard at her lap, avoiding looking at either Robin or Steve. She lets out a feeble little laugh before continuing. “I’m pretty sure my mom would literally kill me if she knew I was here, but I guess I just wanted to see what all of the fuss was about for myself,” Chrissy says in a small voice. “I mean, it’s just a movie. It’s not going to hurt anyone.” Robin can’t help it. She caves. “You’re right, it’s just a movie,” she repeats, reaching out and grabbing one of Chrissy’s hands to pull it away from the other. “It’s not going to hurt anyone.” Robin laces their fingers together and gives Chrissy’s hand a squeeze. When she tries to let go, Chrissy hangs on, so Robin does, too. “People need to learn to mind their own business,” Steve spits from the front, and Robin can hear the defensive, protective heat in his voice. “Who cares what kind of movie someone likes? Or whatever else they like? That’s no one’s business but yours.” “Well, your secret’s safe with us,” Robin promises. “As far as we know, Chrissy Cunningham was studying at the library all afternoon on Sunday. Or whatever it is you want us to say. We just happened to drive past you on your walk home and offered to take you the rest of the way. And maybe, uh — maybe don’t tell Jason that we saw Desert Hearts either.”

all the best people see you (all the best people know), chapter 1, a stranger things au where two lil lesbians get to go see some lesbian cinema — happy pride!

[pwblogarchive]

February 2002

February 7, 2002

“my fascination with life begins and ends on her lips.”

welcome to the story of those down on their luck- we’ll make the worst feel pity for us. we’ll start a band and everyone in the room will chew the fat until they choke. i’ll just wish i was in different skin the whole time. we won’t wait for you tonight. we’ll start the van and leave this town wasted behind us. tonight draw the curtain and watch us mock those who smile and nod like everything is alright.

blah blah. nothing much to say. we are out one van, one drummer, and one practice space. i think the shows for this weekend are off. that sucks.

deadxstop number something is out now- it’s pretty sweet ass. thora birch is extra hot. i’m scared that i’m gonna lose one of my bestfriends over a fucking band.

and she took a stab at reason and ambition on her way out the door so i don’t want them anymore.

i won’t wait for you tonight.

love pete

February 21, 2002

“this as an expirement, has failed.” 

so i have been waiting to write an entry in here until: a. i was in a better mood and b. when i had something to write about Arma. neither has really happened.

“you want to know who i really am? yeah, so do i”

i have been in a bad mood all week. kind of like i feel like i miss someone or something but noone is gone- just kind of lonely. i cried for the first time in years the other night, it was ultra lame- i don’t recommend it. i don’t know. i figured it was partially cause my mom was out of town for awhile and i’m a total wuss, like i eat only cold cereal until she returns. i dunno i feel like i need to figure myself out and the people in my life aren’t really giving me that chance, cause they’re scared they’ll lose me or for whatever reason- i think i’m going crazy haha. but that’s not it- fall out boy has been recording for our full length all week, its pretty bomb. it’s funny how tattoo studios and recording studios are the only places where you pay to pretty much hang out half the time- like the dudes just sit around most of the time and then sometimes work, it’s pretty hilarious if you think about it. anyway, i tracked bass yesterday and it sounds fresh so check it out when it comes out.

as far as Arma goes, we have dropped off a couple of shows as we get ourselves resituated- we are going to record a jam or two on march third with the new drummer. i guess we can release who it is now, Andy from racetraitor will be taking over roadwarrior/god of thunder duties for us- if you remember racetraitor and kill the slavemaster than you know this kid can play crazy good- think heavy. hopefully, we will still be on the bloodlet show in march to unleash the new fury. we’ll then look at our touring schedule and all.

do you have people in your life that are just too nice to you? it drives me insane. they just do shit for you all the time regardless of what going on, they’ll always be there?

anyways, this one made no sense. i promise i’ll give you a better one soon.

i’m gone like virginity on prom night.

petey

ps- count chocula is just cocopuffs with marshmallows in it, don’t believe the hype.

February 24, 2002

“even if i crashed my car into a wall or weighed myself to the bottom of the sea-”

i would still find a way to disappoint you.

dude. i have to say matt fox is one of the nicest guys in hardcore hands down. we went to shai hulud the other night and those guys were so cool. we talked about playing some shows together and other nerdy stuff. my friend tony plays drums for them now too which is rad- if you see them harass him for arma angelus. word.

we’re practicing this week and recording some stuff on sunday for our friend philly shawn’s comp. if you get a chance go check out the site www.spookcityusa.com - shit is fresh.

badjournal entry. sorry i am in a good mood. nothing to bitch about. i’ll catch you peeps later.

twenty years from now- arma angelus reunion:

chris- the dude will be like 47 and saying he’s still 19. the fonz isn’t cool when he’s old and fat.

adam- still pissed at the world. teaching a class or leading a cult, choose your own adventure.

todd- rocking out in some shitty bar with the killing tree- still.

pete- lives at home with his parents. goes to shows where the girls stay the same age. seriously it’s not cool, he is still in college.

andy- in jail for something or another. keeps the edge, loses his anal virginity.

still full of hate.

in between the sheets my eyes are clumsy, our limbs are tired and pretty entwined. tommorrow the phone will be a noose. goodnight is goodbye.

love pete

[seaah]

omg diwali this year

(spoiler alert: SUPER LONG POST!! read if you have the time)

in case you didn't know, I celebrate diwali, which is a Hindu festival where you light diyas (oil lamps), make rangolis (patterns with colorful powder outside your house) and burst firecrackers! (which many don't do due to the pollution of it, but I still do :P) the backstory of which is a long story so if ya wanna know more bout it just ask me :)  

ANYWAYS this years diwali in particular was super exhausting :’D it was on sunday, and i woke up at fudging 6 AM because my father wanted to take us (my sis and I) on a mountain climb -.- to be fair, it did have steps. But it was SO tiring!! Im not a morning person, so climbing 670 steps up a mountain at 8 AM was definitely not the best way to start of my day >:(

when we got back down through the pathway back to our parking spot, we were ofc SUPER hungry, and there was a lil snack shack near where we parked, so we went to get some food. There were pictures of burgers on a chart hanging from the shack, so we asked for some, but they only served grilled chicken. now, I’m NOT vegetarian or vegan, but on diwali, you’re only supposed to eat vegetarian food. so we just got some cup noodles. but MAN i coulda killed for a chicken burger :(

we got back in the car, and went to buy some shoes, because my father INSISTS that we jog every morning at 6:30 AM, EVEN THOUGH we exercise every evening, and we need jogging shoes for it. again, NOT a morning person, so this is awful :( but if there’s one thing you gotta know my father, is that he’s stubborn as FUDGE so i just hafta do it -.- anyways, we get the shoes, and on the way back i hit my head on a sign. instead of asking if i was okay my father yells at me for being an incompetent person and points out every flaw about me -.- i hear this all the time but it still hurts each time :(

we go back home and by the time we reach its 2 PM. i was like “FUDGE” because we had guests coming over at 12, so we’re like two hours late! but luckily, they’re not here yet, so we have time to get ready :D

like i said, we literally went up a mountain so we just rested for half an hour. Idk what my sis did but i read lackadaisy. Anyways its 2:30 PM and my sis went for a shower. and not 5 MINS later, the guests show up. I mean, we are close with these people, and their son is a great friend of ours, so of course i was happy, but i hadn’t even showered yet TwT anyways, i play uno with this guy while my sis showers and at 3 she’s ready, so i go to shampoo my hair. i ‘m done by 3:30 PM tryna pull myself together and then i find out they’re all done eating TwT so i just eat by myself (my mom makes KILLER veg biriyani so its not like the food was bad or anything)

when i’m done, the three of us are assigned to make a rangoli (two actually, i'll explain) since we moved last year and the front space of our new flat isn’t too big, our friend and my sis make the main rangoli INSIDE our house, while i made essentially a mini rangoli outside our flat BY MYSELF WITH NO HELP. it was really exhausting but i managed to finish it by 6 PM which was my mothers given deadline (the reason no one else helped was because my mother genuinely did the most work out of us and the rest of the adults were sleeping -.-) so after we’re done, my sis and i wear our ghagras (traditional dress) and basically get ready for the upcoming PHOTOSHOOT (my mother LOVES taking photos and usually takes multiple so this is how i like to term it) when we’re done, we perform the puja (another tradition of diwali) and then we go outside to burst the firecrackers! all by 7 PM B)

we didn’t have as many crackers as last year so it only lasted about an hour, but it was sooooo much fun! there were SO many people outside also bursting crackers, and it was really cool to see! I lit “bomb” like crackers for the first time this year, while also lighting crackers like sparklers, rockets, flower pots, pili crackers, pop-pops, and others too! Legitimately so much fun :D but i couldn’t help thinking about last year, where i got to celebrate with many of my friends, and celebrations lasting well into 9:30 PM. laughing and joking while lighting crackers is the main reason why this holiday remains my favourite, nothing can top that. still had a good time regardless :)

we’re done by 8 PM and we head home. we play games like uno and astro party with our friend again till dinnertime (same thing as lunch, along with vadas and subji) another uncle also had come along while we were bursting firecrackers and gifted us a box of cream buns (which, btw, were SUPER DELISH and made me really fancy XD) we enjoy some more till its 10 PM and our friend’s gotta go :( we say goodbye to them and go back home (its common to go outside with guests to see them off) we change into nightclothes and IMMEDIATELY start using our devices till 11:30 PM XD GOD did i need that tho. then we brush our teeth and go to bed at 12 AM (dw, i woke up at like 8 AM the next day so i got sufficient sleep :>)

and that was my diwali! Despite all the stress, i enjoyed very much and continues to be my no 1 holiday :D i hope ya’ll enjoyed reading and maybe even learned a lil something about different cultures along the way :) thx for reading, and have a nice day/night! love ya’ll <3

[bylightofdawn]

WIP Sunday

Okay....NGL I kinda full-on forgot it was Sunday so we're getting a very belated, nearly Monday posting.

From here on out, all WIP may contain spoilers and spoiler characters, so read at your own risk.

Today's scene is a rare scene with Jaster and Walon discussing things about certain characters. Not anything super exciting I"m afraid to say but eh, they can't all be super intense or fun scenes.

As always, it is super rough and not edited whatsoever etc. etc.

Unfortunately for him, he had to wait a couple of hours until Jaster returned from the latest session of peace talks. The older Mandalorian looked tired and had a frustrated look in his eyes which didn’t bode well for how well the talks had gone.

“You look like a man who needs a drink.”

“I need multiple drinks.” Jaster snorted and rubbed at his face tiredly.

“I’ll trade you a drink for five minutes of your time.”

That earned him a wary look from Jaster. “Now I”m worried.”

Amusement twitched at the corners of Walon’s mouth as he fetched a couple of bottles of black ale from the kitchen. It wasn’t his first choice but to those born and raised in the Mandalore system, they tended to go wild for it which was why they kept a stock of it.

“I want to talk to you about our house guest.” Walon assured him as he held out the bottle to Jaster.

“Stars…what did she do now?” Jaster asked tiredly and flopped down onto the couch bonelessly.

“Nothing so far but I suspect she might be plotting something. She’s been spending a lot of time with Almec’s brat.”

That had Jaster’s eyes narrowing slightly. “Has she threatened him or shown any sign of aggression towards the boy?” The last thing any of them needed was her hurting the New Mandalorian ambassador’s only child and putting their barely unified partyline at risk.

“No, nothing like that. It could be anything, it’s just…strange she would be so open to making friends with a New Mandalorian due to the amount of osik Vizsla probably filled her head with about them.”

“A fair point, but he also would have done the same for us. So far she hasn’t tried to hurt anyone. She’s angry and liable to lash out like a feral Nexu but she hasn’t demonstrated herself a threat in any way.”

“I’ve noticed,” Walon murmured ironically and took a long sip of his ale. “It could be nothing but I wanted to bring it to your attention. We also had a bit of an…enlightening discussion this afternoon.”

That earned him a cocked eyebrow from Jaster as the older man copied him and drank deeply from his bottle. “Enlightening in what way?”

“She made it abundantly clear to me that she is tired of other people thinking they have a right to have any say in her life and that she isn’t going to accept anything but a frank discussion regarding her potential freedom before she is willing to cooperate with us in any way.”

Jaster grimaced at that news and his brows knit together in a frown.

“We’re not keeping her prisoner here just for a lark, Walon. We need to make sure she’s even safe to unleash on the general population and I definitely don’t think we should unleash her on Coruscant. She might survive but I feel like she’d have a much better chance at a happier life if she returns with us to Mandalore where we have the resources to set her up for success.”

“I understand all of that. And I’m not arguing against any of that, either. I think it’s the wisest course of action myself, but I do think she needs to hear it from you.”

The older Mandalorian shot him a considering look and took another swig from his ale to give him a moment to ponder his reply.

“You really think it would be that simple?”

“Can it hurt to try? I imagine having this unknown and nebulous fate hanging over her head isn’t exactly helping matters or making her more inclined to trust you or any of us.”

“Alright, I’ll talk to her. Thank you for the suggestion, Walon. I…hope I can count on your insight going forward. I don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t bring something to my attention. The ale is appreciated but you don’t need to bribe me for my time, vod.”

“I’ve learned that with Mandalorians, alcohol is often a good peace offering or a social ice-breaker so I figured it couldn’t help.”

“I appreciate the thought and honestly? You weren’t wrong, I definitely needed a drink after today.”

“Is it going that poorly?” Walon asked curiously.

“It’s just….there’s a lot of paperwork and number crunching involved in trying to negotiate a trade agreement on top of pseudo-peace talks.”

“Have you considered you might be trying to push too much at once?”

“Of course but you know how much time and effort it took to get us this far. If I was to accomplish half and go back home, I don’t even know if I could rally the support enough to get everyone back to the same table a second time around. Not without this trade agreement being a rousing success.”

“Some people do this sort of thing for a living, don’t they? Deal with the extended legalese and finer details of negotiating a better deal for their clients? I know on my homeworld, we often went through the Trade Federation.”

“We tried that, actually, Adonai made that suggestion already, but thus far no one is willing to risk pissing off them. They are adamantly against this trade agreement because they don’t want this to succeed. ”

“The Jedi handle a lot of negotiations themselves, right? Even if they cannot directly intervene, I would imagine they could point you in the direction of people who wouldn’t mind putting the Trade Federation’s noses out of joint. A rival faction, perhaps? Maybe you should ask your Jedi?”

“My Jedi?” Jaster asked with a snort which only earned him a mild look from Vau. “So we’re just not even going to pretend anymore?”

“I thought you two have given up on that already within these walls. You were hardly being circumspect.”

Jaster rolled his eyes heavenward and climbed to his feet. “Mij’s penchant for mouthiness is infectious, I see.” He said, wry amusement coloring every word. “I guess I should go talk to Arla. Depending on how that talk goes, let’s try and get the lads together for a gaming night and let off some steam. I’m sure everyone is going a little stir-crazy by now.”

“I’ll arrange it.”

“See if Kryze or any of the other delegation members wish to join as well. Just make sure it’s clear it’s all for fun. “

“Probably wise considering Clan Ordo.”

“That was my thinking as well.” Jaster agreed and pat Walon on the shoulder before making his way towards his room to change out of his armor and into something less martial before he sought out Arla. Something told him he didn’t want to come at this meeting putting on an aggressive posture so hopefully if he approached dressed down in more casual attire, it wouldn’t immediately put her on her guard, and they could make it through this meeting without her lashing out at him.

It was probably pure foolish optimism on his part but he had to try.

[sellieellie]

PHEW.

finals are over. i passed all of my classes, even the one i was sure i would fail, so i feel pretty amazing. trying to take this win and be proud of myself for this.

i moved out of my dorm on sunday, and it’s so nice to have all of my stuff at home.

im happy to be done with school but i only have a few days before i have to go back to my summer job:/ not looking forward to that but money is money i guess. it’s whatever.

and i also have to help plan and set up for my sisters bridal shower that’s coming up. so i don’t really get a ton of time to relax. maybe a day or two at most. i think friday is gonna be MY DAY. my mom and sister will be work, my room will be clean, and i’ll just get to spend time alone with myself. im excited.

im getting really excited to see my friends and everyone, but probably won’t be able to hang out with everyone until bella gets home in about a two weeks. but i guess i just get those two weeks to adjust to the summer.

one thing i love about college is how much longer my summer is!! by like a whole month!! may 2-august 22!! that’s insane compared to high school. like wow.

anyways. im making an attainable bucket list for summer. i wanna do stuff like read more, go on walks, tan, get outside more, practice ukelele, paint more, etc. i want to do more things for myself. i think that’s really important. i feel like i’ve been on autopilot since august and now that im done with school, i can chill for a minute and spend time with myself.

i think im gonna keep bugging mom about finding me a doctor because i really feel like these “ocd tendencies” are becoming something more (actual ocd). it sent me into a panic attack the other night and i couldn’t sleep about it and it’s just so scary and uncomfortable. i need help.

oh! on a completely different note. bella and i have started brainstorming themes for our bdays and other parties this summer!! she’s gonna do studio 54 for her bday in june, and im gonna do 70s icons for mine in august!! so excited. we’ve also come up with so many more fun ones that we can’t wait to do. we’re gonna use every excuse we can to throw a party so we can have those themes.

anyways. i think that’s it’s for now. just so excited for summer to START. the time before bella gets home and my friends actually begin to hang out feels like limbo lmao. i just can’t wait to get drunk and sit under the stars and laugh and cry with them.

until next time. :)

[ocean-anchored]

Dear future self... March 21, 2023

I’m late I know. I wasn’t feeling it last sunday as I felt like I wasn’t in the best head space and as the week went on I figured I’d just wait till sunday again which ended up being so busy. Where to start. Back to Dillon being the asshole he is. It’s really unfortunate. I can’t remember when it was that we had a call where he raised his voice and told me to go cry a fucking river when I said how disrespectful it was leaving us high and dry March after ALL the things I’ve done for him. Haven’t really talked to him since. He did pay February finally but that whole friendship is over and I may never see or talk to him again so who cares. Sadly not loosing much there.  On the friday two weeks ago I was cleaning up contacts in my phone (was clearly bored at work) and came across Mitch. He’s been on my mind for a long time. I just felt really bad about how I ended everything and how I kind of just cut things off cold so I wrote an apology text just to tell him that I didn’t mean to hurt him. In no way, shape or form did I intend it to be as a “let’s try again” type of thing and that (on top of Dillon’s shit) is why I wasn’t in the best headspace. Hanging out escalated to a point that I felt a lot of shame the next day. I’m still trying to deal with that and back off as I don’t have any intention of dating or a relationship. I truly am happy being single and keeping to myself this year and I worry about hurting him again and him taking things the wrong way. I stepped out of my comfort zone again that week and went to a church group where I didn’t know anyone. Divine from church had joined me into this group and they had a gathering that again I had no idea who or what it was about but I showed up and it ended up really great. Met Eryn which was really nice who goes to Redemption as well and it was nice to just be around Christians. The night was around the Navigators and discipleship. Something I’m still so shy about but it was a good experience and I’m proud I went.  Last week was pretty good. Finally bought Ed Sheeran tickets, just about cried. Going to see him in September with Dustin in Vancouver and I literally cannot wait. I’ve waited far too long for this and really look forward to this most.

Thursday I went to Nose Hill with Amber and her bf with all our dogs for a walk in the afternoon which was so nice. I really love the flexibility I have and still catch myself feeling like I’m taking things for granted and I’m not doing enough but lunch with Ed cleared that - will get to that. I went for dinner later that day with Kamber another girl I met on Bumble BFF and it’s been nice chatting with her as well. We have so much in common. Sometimes I feel like I talk to much with her and sometimes I feel like I’m always looking for another topic to talk about but our conversation is genuine and it’s refreshing. She’s super sweet and down to earth. Friday I “took the day off” from YCH technically since I don’t work Friday’s with Ed. Went for sushi and that was really great. Just more solidifying that we’re a great team and we’re both happy with how things are going and the work progressing. I know he appreciates me and it was nice to just clear some work things up but also be able to chat about so many other channels and things. I’m really so blessed to be working with him. He said at the end that he hopes that I do work for him for the rest of our lives which really is my goal. It was from this lunch with Ed that my weekend ended up being nonstop with barley a minute to myself. Mitch came over to watch movies friday night which was alright. Got up early and went to Lake Louise and Lake MInewanka with mom Saturday for the whole day. It was a really great day, absolutely beautiful out. Such a perfect day (we always seem to get those when we go out together). Came back in the evening and went to chat with Mel. It was a good, needed talk. We challenged each other with the little fit we had the week before and how I’ve felt like she hasn’t been part or contributed to our relationship but she’s explained how sick she’s been and stressed and we had a good cry and we talked it through. Really healthy. I appreciate that she takes the initiative to chat to sort things out and we’re re-learning communication with each other in a healthy way. Nova was so patient in the car that we went to Currie Barracks after to walk the park where they set up lanterns and lights everywhere, it was nice but getting home at 9:30PM was exhausting.  Sunday went to church which was as always, great. Helped mom with her zoom set up and took Nova out when I got home. Steven came over right away and we gamed for a bit and watched the Office. It was good, nice to also spend time with him personally but I do love Amanda. Been building my own relationship with her which has been really great.  Anyways that’s a basic catch up. It’s been super super busy and I’m peopled out. I’m going to try to focus this week on chilling and recouping as its Amber’s Birthday on Thursday and I’m taking a couple of us to the Flames game which I’m really excited for. All is well. I’m still super happy all around. This year seems to just keep getting better and I have so many things to look forward to this year. 

[lifesfeelings]

Prequel Pt. II

I didn’t realize this story required so much, but so here’s a second part. Anyway, that was all yesterday morning. I copy and pasted that from a text I sent about it because I didn’t want to rewrite it lol! That being said, I’m a little less angry now because of what actually happened at yesterdays meeting. My editor in chief was apologizing a lot about it and I realized it’s not her fault but rather student government that’s being a bitch about it. They are forcing her to do it since we have to advertise a position first, but my EIC has complete control over who’s hired or not and she’s basically just pissed that their making her do it anyway lol she’s guaranteed me that she’ll select me whether anyone else applies or not. And I’m not as mad anymore, but it’s still annoying. I have to spend most of the next month hiding that I’m the one behind opinion editor; I won’t be receiving credit for my work at all. The other thing that is going on that pissed me off in newspaper is some stupid Chase stuff, because of course lol! For one, his semi-ex who’s also an editor moved computers away from him. So the only available editor station is the one next to Chase, which means I’ll be by his side all semester. It’s so dumb to be worried about, but I’m trying so hard to get over him. I just feel like I keep making small progress and do good at setting one boundary and then something happens to make me re-crash down. The other thing is just how hard I’m realizing it’s gonna be to get over him when we’re this close. He’s still ghosting me. I once again didn’t spend the weekend with him. And the moment I can convince myself that I’m getting over him and I genuinely feel like I don’t want to see him, I have to do something with him and the whole thing restarts. Sundays we spend the day designing the paper together. Monday we have two hours of meetings together. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday we work together for four hours. And when I’m not around him I can promise myself that I’m gonna be better and be done, but then we talk and I’m sucked right back down. He tells me he misses me and that we need to hang out soon, he finds any reason to butt into my conversations with others, he complains that he’s lonely and doesn’t have many friends and yet the moment we’re not together it’s like he forgets I exist. I just don’t know how I’m gonna do this the whole semester, be in this constant ebb and flow of being over him and then being down bad on a cycle.

01.31.23

[mvillamemoirs]

August 2020 unloading

Monday August 31st, 2020

-Work was okay. Woke up almost late, didn’t have time to make coffee or have breakfast and found myself getting crabby at work. I really need to work with Milenna more about scheduling because not all of us including my Boss gets to take a decent lunch break. Rather than getting irritated with her, I think I’m just going to look at things like a challenge/opportunity to grow somehow out of the situation. 

-Walked my dog, thinking about how irritated I am living in this house. Thinking about my parents divorce and how I need to move out because being here reminds me about him. I feel like i can’t talk to my mom about deeper things. I feel like it doesn’t matter to her.

-The closer it got to bed time, the more I just kept thinking about the next court date. I’m worried, I’m frustrated, I don’t know all the details, I’m all sorts of emotional and aggravated because I have so much to lose. I just want to continue to work, go to school to focus on my career/educational goals, and enjoy time with my friends and family. Since this incident happened, I feel paranoid and I just want to be alone until it’s over. I don’t want my misery spewing over onto other people’s plates. I feel so stressed out.

Sunday, August 30th, 2020

-Worked at Lokahi for a bit. It was very mellow. Both acupuncturists are starting to grow on me. I adore them so much and it’s so fun. Nothing really bothered me that shift, it was easy going.

-Getting home I made myself supper, then ended up going to my cousin Raymonds house for dinner- sashimi, poke and lobster. He’s like my brother and just came to realize how I hardly see him. He asked about my sister, my dad, and I ended up telling him how I’m seeking therapy. Asking about my Dad kind of pulled on some heartstrings because I feel like it’s a sensitive subject that of course I wouldn’t know where he’s currently at. . That dude abandoned us or whatever. It also was an ‘eye-rolling’ moment asking about my younger sister because she’s really out just doing whatever with her boyfriend, and has her hands tied with that. I find myself not responding to the subject of my dad’s whereabouts less emotionally, which I think is a good thing because it’s like I’m accepting of the fact that my parents are divorce. I still have some resentment and anger towards him just because of the entire situation, but more accepting of the fact in general.

--We were also talking about Hawaii, how this is all of our first time not going back to visit- normally we all go once a year. I really miss my grandma, cousins and older sister. COVID sucks.

Saturday, August 29th, 2020

-Came to my weekend job, was very productive and called it a day 3-4 hours here since i’m basically working nonstop until Labor Day where I’ll be off. I figured if I have the energy to, especially before Fall semester starts, why not, right? 

-One of the acupuncturists came back and it’s so weird because we just don’t click, just co-exist. She caught me up to speed that she was safe and didn’t have to evacuate at her parent’s place in Santa Cruz. It’s strictly just business with her, Holly. I love how that business is woman-owned and I always get a sense of uplifting each other and overall women empowerment. The patients are just as delightful as the staff.

-Hung out with Danny at his place at nighttime. All we did was watch The Flash on Netflix, took 3 shots of vodka straight-yuck. Just simply hung out since we couldn’t go out anywhere as bars and restaurants were closing at 11pm. Hanging with him just made me realize that we cannot talk about serious things like what was the downfall of our relationships. We cant talk about our feelings, I don’t think I was even comfortable telling him I was seeing a therapist nor what happened at the arraignment. . I really just had the vibe that it’s not his business, and there’s no point in sharing deeper things like that with him when it’s not going to change anything. Maybe we’re just better off friends, but I just kept remembering that night of getting arrested that Danny was like my safe zone/ protector, and I looked to him in more ways than just being a significant other. It amazes me how we go to all of that, to just this current situation of being friends or whatever it is. I guess in the end all you have is yourself.

Friday, August 28th, 2020

-Went into work getting lectured at by the other chiropractor’s wife about separation of patients because that’s how the chiropractor I worked for wants to do it. I felt embarrassed getting grilled first thing in the morning in front of patients, and I need to have a sit down with my boss regarding that issue as he’s the only one who wants to continue the practice like that despite sharing the building overall. I think it doesn’t align with the philosophy of wanting to treat the community and get people better

--Felt much better when I told Camille how she made me feel and she apologized for being insensitive. Still uneasy overall about the conflict. By the end of the day I didn’t get to talk to my boss because he was rushing out to get to his dinner date. It’s so annoying that he wants to start and wrap up meetings when it’s convenient for him versus a general daily thing.

-Went home feeling empty and numb. It was a good work day overall but I feel so lost sometimes. School is starting, not sure how to go about with my break up when the guy wants to hang out, trying to date but that’s a bit stagnant due to covid, I just feel uneasy overall. I miss my family in Hawaii, I would’ve been there and back by now. I miss my friends from the east coast. I’m feeling clusters of emotions with where i’m at, and just exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. This whole court date thing in November is eating at me, too. I feel irritated. I did a whole ‘treat yourself’ meal and had pizza for dinner and called it a night with netflix. 

--I’m trying to slow down my pace and enjoy time to myself like i did before.

Thursday, August 27th, 2020 -Work was very slow paced, and my boss assigned me to work the front desk so Milenna can practice at the back office duties. I felt so fatigue and physically and mentally drained today-coffee didn’t help.

-At the very end of seeing patients, I talked with my boss about wanting more benefits as I enter the 3rd year, offered me a sign on bonus as I’m worthy in his business, but still want to revisit overall. I ended up telling him I was seeking therapy, and he asked if I talked to one of his bestfriends that comes into the office for treatment. I guess she commented some time ago that if I need someone to talk to, she’ll do it- but I told him it's a conflict of interest for me because I don’t like to shit where I eat. I wonder what it was about me that gave off that impression at that time-i don’t know, maybe deep in thought as the arrest was recent.. Again, not sure.

--On the ride home, I was just thinking how sad I really am inside-it’s hard to think about the lawyer method, because I feel like to contradict negative thoughts- I was thinking about my parent’s divorce and cried a bit on the way home- would be a positive thing about myself regardless being sad (?), and I think there’s no relation. . I need to practice more.

---I also started to think about my grandpa and how I miss him so much. He passed away in 2014 and that’s when I started to smoke tobacco as a coping mechanism and destress. It made me realize how my birthday is coming up soon, and I wanted to quit by then. Time to start cracking down on myself and look at my triggers/habits when I feel like smoking stoges.

Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

-Very productive and high energy at work. Vibed with everyone-including co-workers. Today was also my review with my boss-I’ve been there for 2 years now. Very interesting how my boss keeps giving me more duties to do, but I feel like I’m in the crosshairs of “I should be lucky I have a job” and knowing my worth as I do know the office operations like the back of my hand. It’s a good deal regardless, but didn’t want to sign right away.

-I feel more accepting and less anxious about the next court date. I have to keep faith in my attorney.

-Danny called me by bedtime needing help to change his flat tire at work. I ended up going for a number of reasons: empathy, it took him a lot to ask me knowing that our last conversation was about being friends when I still want to work things out, maybe this could’ve been an opportunity to tell him what’s going on with me and I’m in a funk. . It ended up being a very mellow encounter where I was just watching him change his tire and having his subwoofer stashed in my car. I like to see my kindness not being a weakness, just my nature.

Tuesday, August 25th, 2020

-Woke up this morning wanting to stay in my bed a bit longer. Woke up feeling Zen and more relaxed- not as anxious about the court date today because I put trust in this attorney for things to work out in my favor. Trying to control my outlook and keep vibrating higher with better intentions. Took my dog out for a walk and thought back about my oracle cards last night, and contemplated ‘‘healing”. Thought about self love, and mentally told myself that I loved myself which for the first time it hit some strings internally and I just realized I haven’t said that to myself in sooooooo long. The more I kept repeating that to myself, the more I just felt those words losing meaning, i don’t know.

-Went to pick up a loaner laptop from SJCC as mine has become unreliable for this upcoming semester. Feeling productive.

Monday, August 24th, 2020

-Work was overall good. Not sure what it is with Milenna, but her presence just tends to irritate me occasionally. Maybe it’s because she’s slow paced and sometimes drags my energy down, or she doesn’t do some of her work (?), but when I start to get this way, I go elsewhere to help my boss with patients to keep my energy flowing. Just that quick second of irritation didn’t affect my work day, though. It was a lot of laughs and connecting with patients and catching up. I’d say it was a good day at work overall.

-Coming home felt really uneasy knowing that my court date is less than 24 hours away. I feel aggravated and anxious and very impatient. I want it to get dismissed, I want all that to go away. Maybe I need to declutter my room to get a sense of clarity and peace. After walking my dog I lit up an incense and reorganized my closet and walking space to get rid of extra objects that don’t serve purpose, or that’s just taking up space. Might reorganize my shelves eventually.

-I did an oracle spread for the 2020 year. It’s crazy how it highlights healing and this is the year for that. I took it as a sign to work on myself since I’ve been feeling on the go and wanting to go out and not having any ‘me’ time. Adventure is the fruit of the looms of self-healing, abundance is what challenge will arise, I can thrive through the year with focusing, and flow is what I’ll gain throughout 2020. 

Sunday, August 23rd, 2020

-Helping out at Lokahi felt very refreshing today as it did yesterday. Talking with one of the acupuncturists and sharing my educational goals reassured me that I’m on the right track. She was also a certified massage therapist while practicing in behavioral health and gave me lots of insight. I told her I wanted to pursue CMT while retaking health science courses as I’d have a full year before reapplying to the PTA program at Ohlone CC next year-I’m thinking this will strengthen my knowledge and skills regarding the human body. She cheered me on and told me she personally can see me succeeding on that educational route!

-Went to go see Stephanie after work today. The smoke and the air quality fucking sucks, can’t even see the ESSJ hills. It was mellow, reassuring her that I’m happy with whatever she chooses to do with Jerome because he’s a cool dude despite me and him having a fall out. I feel lightweight ‘meh’ about it. Not bothered, but just want to make sure she feels the same way. 

-Hung out at Steven’s pad for the first time. Met him from Tinder, started talking and it’s so easy to converse with him. I like keeping my word with things I say that I’m going to do, so that took him by surprise when I actually dropped by tonight. His vibe is cool.

-This arraignment date simmering in the back of my mind is keeping my anxiety afloat. It’s hard to think forward when I feel like a lot weighs on this outcome. Drank hibiscus tea to relax before bed.

Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

-I feel like the universe is fucking with me. A lot of old ghosts-from-the-past are popping up- ie Jerome, Greg and Danny. Like is this a test? Like at the end of the day I just want everyone to be happy- I want everyone to win. I feel weird and uneasy about it, calling Kenn and telling him details about it, maybe I’m getting my period soon.

-Talked to my sister in HI a little bit and was contemplating about telling her about the arrest and arraignment date. Everytime I think about the court date, I hear Theo’s advice that I shouldn’t worry about anything, “it’s just a ticket that you can fight or get dropped” or something like that. SIGHH….

Friday, August 21st, 2020

-I thought today was a very good day at work! My energy was up there, got in about 57 patients in from originally 40 patients. Milenna wasn’t in which made me feel like ‘deer in headlights’ having to be doing the front desk work. Caught up on billing, very productive overall while having fun with patients.

-Best friend Stephanie, told me how someone at her parent’s Subway tested positive for COVID and that I won’t be able to come to the house for a while. That blows, but also having thoughts if this is her way of getting space to date Jerome- whatever. As long as she’s happy that’s all that matters. She’s going to get tested this weekend, so hope it comes out negative so we can hang.

-Surprise, surprise. . Danny hits me up to hang out tonight, then changes his mind in 20minutes as I was cleaning. At first I was calm about hanving out with him, but now I’m like what the fuck. I’m irritated with the whole Danny issue- states that we shouldn’t hang out last minute because we’re not friends yet (?!). I feel like he should’ve just left me the fuck alone instead of dangling with my feelings.

-Getting super anxious again realizing how close my arraignment date is.

Thursday, August 20th, 2020

-I feel unproductive at work since it’s very slow patient flow. I can’t focus. I feel like the day is dreading.

-I feel bad for my cousin’s fiance as she’s putting her dog down tomorrow. I’m more than sad for her and it just reminds me that I’m not ready if my dog were to pass away. Makes me appreciate my dog, Nala, more.

-Talked to Zarinah just now. Even though she moved back to New Jersey I love how we randomly check in on each other. She caught me up to speed with what her and her other friends are doing, her son’s situation- I would’ve been there this year by now if COVID didn’t exist. I told her about my 4th of July weekend, the getting arrested ordeal, Jerome talking to stephanie. I miss her a lot!!

Wednesday, August 19th, 2020

-Woke up to my car covered in ashes. This weather is making me feel depressed, aggravated, super concerned for those that are impacted by it. Hope my coworker Blanca is okay.

-On the drive home after work I kept thinking about my ex boyfriend. I feel more mad and upset rather than sad at the moment. I miss him, I feel low. . but ‘I deserve the kind of love I desire’, no? I should just cut ties and block him everywhere. 

Tuesday, August 18th, 2020

-Forgot I was having brunch with Anthony today. Talked to my PCP about my physical and mental health. Told him I was seeking outpatient care because of how slow inpatient services were for behavioral/psychiatric therapy. I felt he disregarded that and was highlighting me to take smoking cessation classes, when I am a conscious change and have begun smoking less tobacco daily. I don’t know why he’s pushing extra hard with taking these classes when I’ve weaned myself off smoking before. But anyway, just got ready last minute to meet up with Anthony for brunch versus flaking on plans for whatever reason (had the just do it attitude).

-Didn’t realize I set another therapy appointment in person with another LMFT today. The first encounter I didn’t know what to expect and got lost just getting to know each other. Went an hour and 20 minutes or so, and I just felt like I was introducing myself to her, spewing more details than anything. She commented she’s aware of my anxiety and can see how mildly depressed I am, but I didn’t really feel it was effective versus yesterday’s session. She mentioned she doesn’t think her methods are safe for me in the state of being that I’m in. Took the depression questionnaire home, but I don’t think I want to go back. She did mention eye-movement method (?), color schemes and blot pictures (?), reprocessing information methods (?). Not sure but I feel like i didn’t get anything out of that session than just highlighting how sad I freaking am.

-Told Anthony via text that I don’t see anything romantic between us. I didn’t feel like pursuing him in that way and see us being only friends. I felt that’s a respectful way to let him know versus him feeling like I'm leading him on, and he just went on mute and became unresponsive. I feel like I would appreciate someone telling me that straight up from the start, but whatever. I feel a bit irritated by it, but I can’t control other people’s emotions.

Monday, August 17th, 2020

-First therapy meeting went well. Broke down and cried a lot, felt vulnerable, never realized how much sadness I had inside. I did feel a light feeling of relief at the end of it. Looking for the next session, while reminding myself ‘it’s okay to feel what i’m feeling”.

-I have such strong adoration for my mom and how strong of an individual and woman she is. I feel very spiteful towards my dad for emotionally and financially degrading my mom through the divorce process (fighting over money, the house). It’s so weird how my mom doesn’t want me to think any less of my dad because ‘he’s my dad’ and I feel it takes more than making a child to be labeled as a father than providing sperm, right? I feel irritated when it comes to telling me how to feel about whatever the situation, because my feelings are valid, too. I don’t want their failed marriage to influence my love life. 

-I talked to my bestfriend kenn while walking my dog. He makes me feel calm. Told him about my first therapy session, he highlighted the importance of feeling safe and open with a therapist and finding one that clicks- which I agree and feel like I did. Caught him up about Danny, anxiety with school, and how work eased up with my coworker, Milenna. She used to irritate me a lot, but now it’s water under the bridge. Health is an investment.

[keanureevesisbae]

Captain Syverson x Ivy Sullivan (an oblivious one shot)

Summary: Ivy is expecting, however it comes with a few ups and downs.

Wordcount: 1.4k

Warnings: None

masterlist // oblivious masterlist

‘Mom!’ 

Gosh, Erin has a loud shrieking voice, especially when she’s in distress. The hairs in my neck are standing straight up and internally I’m screaming.

‘If this is about an outfit,’ Sy mumbles, ‘she’s your daughter.’ 

‘Shut up,’ I sigh, curling up next to his warm side. ‘If it’s anything other than outfit related, the girl is all yours.’

‘Sure.’

The door opens and I crack an eye open. ‘It’s Sunday, Erin,’ I say, ‘meaning it’s my only day off and I like to sleep in.’

‘Likewise,’ Sy mumbles.

‘It’s an emergency.’

It alerts Sy instantly. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asks, sounding a lot more awake. ‘Everything alright?’

‘I’ve got this text from Teddy and I really need to know how to answer this.’

Sy groans. ‘This one’s yours,’ he says.

‘Outfit troubles were mine,’ I mutter, pushing myself up and rubbing my face. ‘What is the problem, darling?’

Erin walks over to us and plops on the bed. It’s been two years since I officially became their cool aunt, though recently, the girls have been calling me ‘mom’ and Sy ‘dad’. It’s darling and it means they are happy with us. 

‘Thought you were happily dating for almost two years,’ I note. ‘Good grief, what could shake you?’

‘I think he is going to break up with me,’ she says, showing me her phone. ‘Look at the last text he send me.’

CAN’T HANG OUT TODAY. BASEBALL PRACTICE. TOMORROW?

‘Honey, honey,’ I say, ‘he just told you he has baseball practice and he wants to hang out tomorrow. Allow me to remind you it’s Sunday morning.’ I drop back on the mattress. ‘It’s a good thing I love you loads, because otherwise I would’ve kicked your ass.’

She sighs. ‘I’m sorry. It’s our two year anniversary soon. I was just worrying.’ Erin lays down next to me and places her hand on my stomach. ‘How are you feeling today?’ she asks.

‘Well, I am not puking my insides out, so I’m doing alright.’

The door opens and Aurora and Clover want to jump on the bed, however Sy is quick to say: ‘Careful! We’ve got precious cargo on the bed.’

‘We would never hurt the baby,’ Aurora says, crawling on the bed, just like Clover gets in with us too and adds: ‘Duh.’

Getting pregnant wasn’t the plan. I wanted to call it an accident, but Sy told me calling it a surprise might be better and a little less crude. Either way, I am now seventeen weeks pregnant. The bump is not much yet, but I am not even halfway, so plenty of time to develop stretch marks and what not. 

The girls are ecstatic about it, just like Sy is. It was a bit hard for me to accept . I never thought of having a kid, let alone cooking one. Sure, I’m happy about the little one, but there is also this deep fear living inside of me.

‘Come on,’ Sy says, ‘since we’re all up, how about some pancakes as breakfast?’

‘Yes, I’ll help out,’ Erin says, before she presses a kiss on my stomach and the rest of the girls follow suit. The three of them walk out of the bedroom, stumble downstairs (which comes paired with the necessary screams and squeals) and Sy pushes himself up as well. 

‘You okay, babe?’

‘I’m alright.’

He turns to the side. ‘Bad day?’

‘Kinda.’ I sit up straight as well and lean against the headboard. ‘Sometimes I want to walk away from everything,’ I admit. ‘What if I’m a terrible mother?’

‘You’re gonna be a fantastic mom,’ Sy says, ‘because you already are. Come on, the girls love you immensely. I love you immensely. This baby, our baby, will love you to pieces.’

‘What if I get major postpartum depression?’ I ask. ‘What if I walk away?’

‘You’re not,’ he tells me, ‘gonna walk away. If you develop postpartum depression, we’ll get the right help.’ He grabs my hand and gives my fingers a kiss. ‘I love you and I promise I will take good care of you, the girls and the baby.’

‘I love you too,’ I mutter. ‘Can you do me a favor?’

‘Sure.’

‘Take the girls today. I kinda need to be alone.’

☁︎ ☁︎ ☁︎

Alone means driving my purple car to a place far away. It means being by myself in the park a little outside Lubbock. If someone congratulates me once more on my pregnancy whose face I recognize, I’m gonna scream. 

I sit down on a park bench and stare over the little playground, where a few kids are playing, together with their parents. It’s always sweet to reminisce here, I think to myself. I remember taking Clover here when she was a little one. It’s always nice here, very chilled and laid back. Despite wanting to put my mind somewhere other than kids, I still end up here, which probably says enough.

It’s not that I am not happy with the little one growing inside my stomach, but it’s just so scary. I am so afraid to screw up. Taking care of kids that are already here is easy. Taking care of a kid I baked, that is scary.

A woman sits down next to me and when I look to the side, I see she’s on the older side, like she’s a grandmother already or something.  ‘First child?’ the woman asks.

I shrug, placing my hand on my slight protruding stomach. ‘Sorta. It’s a long story, really. First pregnancy though.’

‘I remember when I was pregnant with my first daughter,’ the woman says, a nostalgic smile appearing on her face. ‘I was scared to death.’

‘I can imagine that,’ I say. 

‘It wasn’t planned?’ 

I’m getting real personal real quick here, but this woman resembles a friendly grandma, so I don’t mind. ‘Not really. Kind of scared to screw up.’

‘Oh honey, I remember that feeling,’ she says, letting out a chuckle afterwards. ‘But remember: baby’s are built for parents who have no idea what they are doing.’

‘It’s not particularly that I’m afraid of,’ I say. ‘It’s more the whole idea of not walking away from them.’

She does not seem to understand.

‘I… I myself was put for adoption many many times. I have no idea who my real parents were and ended up in foster care. Now… That won’t happen to this one, but… What if I resemble my parents?’

‘You never know that,’ she says and I must say I appreciate her honesty. ‘You got yourself a good fella?’

‘A very good one,’ I say, the mere idea of Sy causing me to smile widely. 

‘Talk to him. Let him know about what you’re going through. As ugly as it can be, show him.’

‘Why?’

‘Because if he’s a real good fella, he’ll help you through it.

☁︎ ☁︎ ☁︎

I thought a lot about what the woman said to me. I have let Sy in, but not the deep stuff. The stuff I’m embarrassed about. I park the car on the driveway and make my way to the porch, when Sy walks out of the front door. He sees my flushed cheeks, as I cried all the way from the playground till I drove back into Lubbock again. ‘Babe, you okay?’ he asks, walking down the stairs of the porch. ‘Talk to me, darling.’

Tears fill up my eyes once again. ‘I’m scared, Sy.’

‘I know,’ he says. ‘I understand.’ He stops in front of me, placing his hands on my shoulders. 

‘And I’m really happy at the same time. I love this baby so so much, but I keep thinking I’m going to take after my own parents.’

He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he simply nods, giving me a reassuring squeeze. 

‘I know you’ll be here for me, I know you’re going to take good care of me, but… I can’t help but wonder… What is going to happen to me?’

‘Nothing bad on my watch,’ he says without even thinking about it for a second. ‘Babe, I love you so much and I will take such good care of you.’ One hand travels to my belly and he whispers: ‘You’re not alone and never will be, okay?’

‘I know that,’ I whisper. ’Sy… I love you a lot. Even if you annoy me around ninety percent of the time and you’re quite disgusting from time to time.’

Sy chuckles. ‘I love you more, even though you kick me every night a few times.’ He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me to his chest. ‘I’m going to be here for you, okay?’

I close my eyes, as I tightly snake my arms around his neck. ‘Okay.’

☁︎ ☁︎ ☁︎

Oblivious taglist: @diegos-butt // @oddsnendsfanfics // @crazybutconfidentaf // @thelastsock // @angelcavill66 // @eldarwen333 // @abschaffer2 // @shewritesinthethirdperson // @thereisa8ella // @funfickgirl22 // @offtheclockcilantro // @liecastillo // @heather-c-m // @its--fandom--darling // @coldmuffinbanditshoe // @lyrarodriguez // @islacharlotte // @joaniepencil // @gearhead66 // @sofiebstar // @summersong69 // @kebabgirl67 //

[harry-writings]

Bothered

- A blurb in which somebody flirts with Y/n for the first time, and Harry lets jealousy get the best of him

This is a little Drive Me Wild extra for all your valentine’s day needs!!! I hope you enjoy :) 

Masterlist

-

“Tequila, please. The best one you’ve got!”

Open bars at work parties are an absolute lifesaver.

Harry and Y/n have been nonstop on their feet since three, wearing their sunday best, talking to all the higher ups and other officials at the firm with as much professionalism as possible. And though it was certainly a nice break from the work setting, it was still a lot for the both of them to keep up with.

It’s nearly eleven now, the party near its end and the exhaustion finally settling in. But Y/n wouldn’t ever dream of passing up unlimited free drinks whenever offered (neither would Harry, but getting her home safe is his biggest priority). Besides, she needed to take the edge off, somehow.

The bartender smiles at her, his eyes looking at her up and down very briefly before making her drink.

She’s humming softly to herself, her fingers tapping against the bar, the palm of her other hand resting on the back of her neck and she looks around the venue, admiring the architecture and the chandeliers that hang from above her.

“How long have you been working for them?” The bartender asks as he slides the shotglass to her, to which Y/n smiles.

“Almost three years! It’s been really good to me so far. I must say, though, it gets a bit stressful and there are a handful of times we end up having to take our work home. But I’ve met some of the best people through the company, so I can’t complain much! Especially when this is the only job I’ve ever considered staying at for so long.”

When the bartender doesn’t answer, yet rather just stares at her with amusement and endearment in his eye, Y/n starts to get nervous.

She considers diverting her attention back to Harry and moving on with her night as if she hadn’t spoken a word at all, but she’s never been the kind of person to walk away from an uncomfortable silence. And most certainly, she has never found it in her will to escape somebody’s pressing and persistent stares.

All of it just makes her so anxious.

So, as an attempt to calm her nerves, Y/n throws her head back as she takes her shot of tequila, her nose scrunching and eyes squinting as it burns down her throat and settles in her chest.

“What about you? How long have you been working as a bartender? I’ve heard it’s a lot of work, remembering all the recipes and stuff. Whenever I went to university, I would go to bars and get drunk by myself and watch how fast all the bartenders made drinks. I found it mesmerising, really. Like an art, almost. A sport, too, I suppose, given how much you all have to think and act quickly yet unmistakably.”

Harry smiles softly to himself, a bittersweet feeling bubbling in his chest as he listens to her get caught up in her rambles.

She doesn’t do that much with him anymore, not in the way she used to. And it isn’t because she’s lost any trust in him, or because she loves him any less — rather, it’s because she trusts and loves him so much more that she doesn’t feel the need to fill any gaps or spaces between them anymore.

He doesn’t make her nervous.

She doesn’t need reassurance with him because she already knows how madly in love they are with one another and how they are undeniably bound to spend the rest of their lives together. The silences they share are comfortable for her, his simple presence enough to make her feel at ease and loved and respected without him having to constantly remind her.

And surely, Y/n still chews his ear off here and there, but he only ever wants more of her.

It’s a disease, his greed and longing for her. She is so enough yet so not enough at the same time, it kills him to think about it, but only in the best way possible.

But the smile and the admiration die down nearly instantly when Harry’s eyes catch the way the bartender looks at Y/n, and the way he straightens himself before her, and the way his bottom lip tucks between his teeth ever so slightly.

Harry crosses his arms at this, watching the way another man is drooling and fonding over his Y/n and not at all trying to hide it. And the sad part is that he can’t even blame him for it — how could he? He had done the very same thing for nearly two years straight.

So he suffers with it in silence.

“My goodness, I do love me a woman who can carry a conversation.”

Harry’s eyes squint over at him, his arms still crossed over his chest, his fingers twisting as he watches him blink flirtatiously at Y/n and the upward twitch of his lip whenever she flips her hair over her shoulder.

She only ever does that when she’s sweating, he knows this because she’s his girlfriend and he knows her more than he’s ever known himself. He also knows that Y/n thinks too lowly of herself to ever consider one’s kindness as flirting.

And though Harry wouldn’t dare to dream of changing anything about her, he does wish, just this once, that she’d see it.

Y/n blushes at his comment, but only because she doesn’t know what to say.

“Can I have another shot, please?” She asks as a form of distraction, but in such a sweet manner the bartender barely seems to notice. “I never get to go out to drink much nowadays, with work and all. So, I’m sorry if I order too much. Large groups of people aren’t really my thing. Not that I hate people, or anything. I guess they just make me nervous.”

And as the bartender pours her shot glass full of tequila, his eyes don’t make the slightest move to leave her. He’s gawking, looking smug as if he could ever stand a chance.

Y/n pretends not to notice.

“Look, I close down the bar in an hour. And since large groups of people aren’t really your thing, why don’t I take you somewhere nice —”

“Oh...”

“— just you and me, so I can have the chance to get to know you more? Maybe in more ways than one, if I’m lucky?”

Oh, fuck no.

Flirting is one thing, but listening as some stranger talks about wanting to have sex with his girlfriend is something entirely different. Especially when she hasn’t done anything other than be nice and considerate towards him.

He’s taking advantage of her kindness.

Harry can’t hold himself back anymore.

“Excuse me?”

And curse his fucking natural lack of emotion because it was supposed to sound threatening and protective, but rather, it must have come off the way any other customer were to grab a bartender’s attention because he looks over at him with a tight and strained smile, clearly laced with annoyance, with not a hint of suspicion.

“Yes, sir, what can I help you with?”

Harry clenches his jaw and nods his head, his gaze falling to the top of the bar as he tries — really, really tries — to keep himself together instead of knocking this poor bloke’s teeth in.

The urge is there, but he could never scare Y/n like that, or sacrifice his job for satisfaction’s sake — he was lucky he didn’t jeopardize it when he landed a solid right hook on his coworker a few months back. But to make such a rude, blunt, disrespectful comment to his girlfriend is too much for him to process.

But it’s not all anger. There’s something else there — something else brewing and swelling inside of him that’s never been there before. He can’t identify it no matter how hard he tries.

“It would help me tremendously, actually, if you were to stop asking to sleep with my girlfriend right in front of me.”

It’s silent for a moment, the air thick with tension as the bartender looks both between Harry and Y/n, Y/n and Harry. He looks weary of it, as if it were so impossible for her to ever be seen with somebody like him.

“You’re with him?” He asks Y/n, as if Harry’s word wasn’t enough and it nearly throws him off the deep end.

Y/n’s eyes blink with confusion and shock as she tries to adjust herself to her surroundings. Everything happened so quickly to her, she feels like she can’t keep up.

Harry senses this — he senses her uncertainty and uneasiness and takes notice in the way her fingers begin to grip at her shot glass a bit tighter. Confrontation and arguments are not Y/n’s strong suit and in the hands of either one, she is defenseless.

“Is my word not enough for you?”

The bartender lifts his hands up in defense, his eyebrows raised as if somehow proving a point he’s clearly been missing. “Can’t blame me for assuming she’s single, you’re sitting next to the prettiest girl on earth and you look like you couldn’t even be bothered.”

Harry’s hands turn to fists, his jaw clenching and eyebrows twitching as he hears him speak all the words he’d rather die than hear spoken again.

How a complete stranger can cut a wound so deep within him is unfathomable, but here he is, bleeding out with all his insecurities and flaws and weaknesses along with it. And it pains him. It hurts and if one more wrong word is spoken, he’ll fall victim to all the darkest parts of himself.

He can’t risk that, not around Y/n.

“I would highly suggest you stop talking now —”

“You aren’t even interested in her! I gave her more attention in the last ten minutes than you’ve given her all night!”

“Hey.” Y/n cuts in with pouted lips, her face fallen as her voice quivers at the argument brewing in front of her. “That’s not true. He — he’s been beside me all night. I thought it was — I thought it was obvious.”

“Doesn’t matter anymore. We’re going home.”

Harry’s tone is unlike anything she’s ever heard. It’s stern, harsh, laced with impatience as he stands from his barstool and scrambles to gather her belongings.

And Y/n’s at a loss, just standing against the bar helplessly, looking at Harry with tearful eyes and shaking lips. He has never been this angry at her before and she doesn’t know how to fix it. Talking was what got them into this mess, she’s sure talking won’t get themselves out of it.

But it doesn’t hurt to try.

“Wait, H. I’m sorry, I —”

“That’s enough, now. We’re making our last rounds and then we’re going straight home.”

That was the first time he’s ever interrupted her.

-

It isn’t until Harry starts the car that Y/n breaks the silence.

“H, I didn’t know he was going to ask me out on a date.” She speaks with a voice small and shoulders slumped as she tries desperately to fix all the trust she has broken. “I was just trying to be nice and —”

“Not now, Y/n, please.”

She realizes the severity of the situation when he doesn’t call her a pet name.

Her eyes fill with tears, fully aware that even when he was most upset with her, he never interrupted her while talking or avoided her gaze like it was the last thing he ever wanted to see. He’s doing both right now and to say that it hurt her is an understatement.

He’s sick of hearing me speak. He’s angry at me for talking too much to everybody and not noticing the consequences. He’s tired of listening to me make excuses for myself when I’m never going to change. He doesn’t want this anymore.

Her mind can’t help but to think such things, and though deep down in her heart she knows he’d never feel that way towards her, words of her past can’t help but torment her in the heat of this moment. Because this is so different than how it usually is with him, and it all started with her.

Harry can feel how much of a toll his words took on her, but he doesn’t know what to say. He is feeling so many things, and processing so much, he feels like he’s lost himself. All sense of everything else had left him the second the bartender spoke the words he always feared to hear.

You’re sitting next to the prettiest girl on earth and you look like you couldn’t even be bothered.

He knows it isn’t true, and he also knows she knows it isn’t true, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

To know other people see it that way devastates him. He doesn’t date Y/n to look uninterested in her, or bored of her, or tired to be with her — he dates Y/n because he wants to show her off, desires to make her and everybody else see how in love with her he is, to make it known she never has to walk this world alone.

To know he has failed to do that simply by being himself is a lot for him to take in.

He sighs, ripping off his glasses so his other hand can rub at his burning eyes before settling the both of them back on the steering wheel, his gaze still set on the windshield.

“I’m sorry for not letting you finish talking, twice now. It wasn’t right and I know what that does to you. And I’m not angry or upset with you, either. I’m just — I’m just not in the mood right now, alright? I need some time to think.”

Y/n nods, fearing that whatever words she chooses to speak will only make it worse.

Neither of them talk the rest of the way home, but that doesn’t mean Harry doesn’t reach his hand over to her thigh to squeeze at it three times, as if to tell her he loves her.

-

It isn’t until they make it into their bedroom that Harry starts to let it all out.

He’s pacing, his hands fidgeting with his clothes and running through his hair, his eyes wild but still refusing to look at her, muttering curses under his breath but nothing directly towards her just yet.

Y/n’s standing by the dresser, taking off her remaining jewelry and allowing him his time to dwell on his feelings. He needs this. She knows she’s the only person that he’ll ever show this kind of emotion to — he couldn't even show it to himself — so she listens, smiles sympathetically at him here and there, refusing to leave his side until this is all figured out.

He huffs before letting out a sickened laugh.

“Who the hell does he think he is? Telling me I’m not interested in you. I can’t be walking around kissing and hovering and touching all over you at a work party, I respect you too much. But he wouldn’t know a damn thing about that, would he?”

He throws his suit jacket down on the bed, only allowing himself one beat of a moment to shake his head before his hands start to fidget again, pacing around the foot of the bed to try and understand his primary emotion.

He feels a million and ten different emotions scrambling within him at once, he can’t make sense of them. Whether he’s angry, or sad, or hurt, or insecure, or humiliated… he doesn’t know. It all feels the same yet all feels so different. He is utterly lost in all of them.

“Then proceeds to have the nerve to say he’s given you more attention than I have. What the fuck does that even mean? All he does is serve you two drinks and speak one sentence. I give you all my time, all my company, all my attention, and somehow he thinks he’s better for you than me?”

And it hits her.

No wonder he’s been acting so different towards her and so quiet despite him not blaming her for what happened — he’s jealous, which is the exact reason he doesn’t have an understanding with it.

She’s his first girlfriend, and until now, there had never been any reason for him to feel this way.

But as sick and twisted as it sounds, Y/n’s heart warms at the thought of it. Because never once has someone ever had a problem with letting her go. Her loss never affected anybody around her, and so nobody had ever feared it.

To know that out of all people, it’s him who does, means everything to her.

She hums at him, an all too knowing smile on her face as she makes her way to her frantic lover, who stills when he notices her closeness.

Her hands rest at his chest, rubbing at it over his dress shirt, just the way he likes. It reminds him of the night of their first date — when she gave into her cravings and put her hands nearly everywhere they could touch — and so she always goes back to that very first moment.

It never fails him.

“It’s okay, lovebug.” Y/n smiles softly at him, her voice even more soft and tender than usual as she tries to get him to relax.

Her hands slither down the hem of his trousers, her fingers resting just above the swell of his bum and pulling him in closer to her. And he wraps his arms around her shoulders, a heavy sigh leaving his lips before bringing his chest toward her cheek for it to nest in.

“Don’t let somebody get the best of you. Especially when they don’t know anything about you or me or our relationship. We know what we are and what we have, it doesn’t matter what he thinks is better for me. I have what’s best. Forever.”

He sighs, the weight of the night lifting from him slightly, but not enough.

He rests his chin on the top of her head, his eyes on the verge of being soaked with tears. Because though he knows her words to be true, he just can’t seem to shake what’s rattling in his bones and picking at his skin.

He wants it all to be okay, and it almost is, just not fully. And it’s killing him from the inside out.

“It’s a new feeling for me.” Harry confesses sadly, trying to think of the right words to say to explain what’s burning in his chest. “It hurts me to feel it. I’m so comfortable and confident in you and yet somehow I can’t — I can’t stop thinking about you and that fucking bartender and him touching you and making you laugh and —”

“You’re jealous.”

She pulls away from him slightly, her eyes looking up at him softly and sympathetically. He gives into her gaze for only a beat longer before looking away from her again, unable to take it.

It all makes sense — the unfamiliar feelings, the scrambling of emotions, the sensitivity to the words that had been spoken about him. His relationship had been threatened for the first time since it started, how could he not be?

“Of course I’m jealous. Which is absolutely horrible because you look so pretty yet it hurts too much to look at you.”

She chuckles, a playful smirk on her face as she reaches her hands up to his cheeks. And she turns his head to the side, forcing his eyes to look into hers as she rubs her thumb along his cheekbones.

Even like this, he is the most perfect man she’s ever seen. She has loved this person longer than she has loved anything else, how he could ever feel jealous of anybody is absolutely beyond her. He is all she will ever need, and everything she will ever want.

He is the only person that has ever deserved her.

“Baby, you have nothing to be jealous of. I don’t think, since the moment I’ve laid eyes on you, I’ve ever bothered to look for anybody else.” His breath faults, then, his heart dropping as if it were falling in love all over again.

And just like that, the hurt is gone.

“I’m yours, H. I have always been yours.”

He wants her to keep going, so instead of answering, he taps the back of her thigh twice. He’s never done so outside of sex, but he needs her all over him, holding him, hanging onto him. He needs it now more than ever.

She giggles, understanding exactly what he wants before jumping up until her legs are wrapped around his waist and her arms are looped around his neck. He catches her instantly, snuggling his face into the crook of her neck and kissing at the exposed skin.

She loves how much her words have an affect on him.

“I love you so much. I always will. No matter how many sleazy men ask me to sleep with them.”

He whines, lifting his head from her shoulder before looking at her with sad eyes and pouted lips at the subtle reminder that somebody else thought of her that way. Only he has, only he can, it doesn’t matter the circumstance.

She’s his.

She smiles down at him with a small blush on her cheeks, her arms unwrapping from his neck so her hands can grip his face again.

“I sleep with you. Every night. In more ways than one.” She kisses at his lips. “Cause I’m lucky.”

And for the first time tonight, he smiles. And as if that wasn’t enough for her, he laughs too — quietly, breathlessly — his hands rubbing all along her lower back and her thighs.

“Hmm... I am lucky, aren’t I?” Harry hums in bliss, his eyes looking at her fondly as she hangs on his neck in their home and it doesn’t get better than this. She had a man practically drooling on her lap and yet she’s here, with him, loving him, choosing him, just like she always has. “I do have the prettiest girl in the world. And the sweetest. And the strongest.”

“Too bad you couldn’t be bothered.” She teases, a smirk on her lips before her tongue pokes out to run quickly against his closed lips.

He lets out an almost sinister laugh, rumbling so deep in his chest she somehow manages to feel it in her legs.

“Why don’t I show you how bothered I am?”

[theunholygrails]

Foolish Games Part 2

Masterlist

A/N: Introducing new characters and some drama! Percy is still sexy as ever :'(.

Warnings: BJ

I woke up to a door slamming so hard it joined the symphony of my pounding headache. I groaned, hoisting myself over the back of the couch to investigate to intrusion. A brunette head of long sweeping hair rushed through the foyer, barreling towards the kitchen. A familiar mop of black hair hurried after.

Reyna was speaking so fast in Spanish my brain scrambled to keep up. I noted lots of curse words followed by a series of sentences too fast I was surprised she even knew what she was saying. Percy was answering in slow measured words, probably fighting a hangover of equal measure. I ducked behind the back of the couch, reaching for my phone plugged in on the coffee table.

It was noon. 2% battery and a couple messages from friends. Nothing from my ex thank gods. Five from Annabeth being nosey. I opened my uber app, squinting in the sunlight breaking through the cream curtains. I managed to get my driver secured.

A door slammed and I winced, peaking to check that they were in another room. I did not immediately spot my dress in the chaotic. I grimaced remembering the midnight swim. When I sat up I finally noticed the white tshirt I wore and the basketball shorts. And then I went rigid remembering what happened after the swim.

“Motherfucker,” I whispered.

Now I really had to get out of this house. I checked the arrival time of my driver. Three minutes away. Great. I made my way on shaky knees to the large wooden front door. My keys were still in the collection dish. I grabbed them quietly and turned the door handle a fraction of an inch before another door slammed open and Reyna came barreling back into the foyer, brown eyes landing promptly on my guilty ass. Behind her, Percy pursed his lips into a thin line and raised both of his hands to lay on top of his head. His biceps strained nicely against the thin t shirt.

“The fuck is this?” Reyna whispered.

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” I babbled.

“It’s just Noa, Rey. Gods,” Percy said.

“I can see that, Percy!” She snapped. I was glad her spear was not strapped across her back this morning. “Why is she sneaking out of my house in your clothes?”

“People were swimming last night. Her clothes got wet.”

“I’m sure the fuck they did.”

“Zeus, Rey! You ended it with me. Why does it even matter?”

“Because I still fucking love you! I’m sorry, okay?” She burst out crying and Percy instantly pulled her against his chest. The memory of being in those arms drove me out the door like a nest of hornets.

~~~~

“I’m just saying. You have nothing to feel sorry for,” Annabeth paused to sip her iced coffee. “Unless they get back together and then you sleep with him. But as of right now, you’re good. Trust me. Been on the Percy train. We’re still friends. You’ll get over it. Just a harmless rebound for both of you.”

I groaned, laying my chin on the cool metal table parked outside our favorite coffee shop positioned between our New York apartments. Just two Manhattan women enjoying their Sunday afternoon. The air was cooling as fall neared. I pulled my baseball cap closer to the top of my sunglasses.

“Should I call him?”

“Maybe tomorrow. Let him deal with his relationship drama. Reyna is a lot to deal with. Still nothing from fuckface?”

“Nope and that’s fine.”

“Good for you. We will hydrate you, get you a good dinner, hit the gym before work in the morning and then get back on our bad bitch mental track. Agreed?”

~~~~

“Good Monday, yogis,” I chirped from my desk at the corner of my studio.

The third class was beginning to trickle in and I was settling into my rhythm. Hot yoga was next and hopefully I would sweat out all the negativity I’d allowed lately. I was in the middle of emailing back a potential client when someone rapped at the wood of my desk. I glanced up to a blonde male who waved gently.

“Heya, sansei Noa,” he said.

“That’s karate. Can I help you?”

“Do you do trial classes?”

I hit send on my email and closed my laptop. The guy was built like a poser with the defined muscles and chiseled jaw but his voice was soft and tempered. He was clean shaven and dressed like a basic gym bro.

“Normally you have to schedule them beforehand because of class size,” I gave my standard answer.

“Right, my bad. Sorry. I was just passing by the front and it looked like the kind of place I needed right now. Can I go ahead and pick a date then?”

I was staring too long into his pale blue eyes, honed in on the polite response. A nice change from the daily demanding consumers. “You know what? Ive got space right now if you like? Have you ever done hot yoga?”

A brilliant white smile showcasing sharp canines. “My favorite.”

“Perfect. I just need a name, number and email to get you a file started.”

He leaned large hands on my desk. “It’s Luke Castellan.”

Before he could give the contact information, I cut him off. “Wait. I know you.” His tanned skin paled significantly.

“I…”

“You’re supposed to be dead!” I blurted out.

His eyes skated around the room and he leaned in closer. “That’s not supposed to be public knowledge. I assume you’re a demigod?”

“Luke, you trained me. We took fucking sculpting together. The Apollo table was right next to the Hermes one for fuck’s sake.”

He winced. I heard a murmuring from the rest of my class I was disturbing with my volume. I collected my shock finally. “Take a seat if you want. We should talk after class. I need to start.”

“Okay. Thank you. I’m sorry Noa.”

I waved him off and walked over to my yoga mat. I sat cross legged and drew in an even breath to smooth out my emotions.

It was a slow 30 minute class. Each pose and movement dragged on. Finally, I dismissed the group and nodded Luke outside. He was waiting on the bench outside of the studio I split renting with a few other instructors. I sat next to him, wiping sweat from my face with the towel slung over my pink sports bra.

“Alright, talk,” I said.

“Not much to say. I was given a second chance at my hearing. Here I am. Starting over.” A shrug of well-defined shoulders. The muscles flexed beneath his gleaming sweat. His red tank top stuck to his chest and stomach. “I wish I remembered you, truly. That time is such a blur in my life.”

“It’s ok. You were a lot older than me and to be honest I had a massive crush on you so I probably hid most of the time.”

A surprised smile slipped across his lips. “I’m assuming the betrayal helped you get over that?”

I laughed outloud, slapping his knee. “No shit! So where are you staying these days?”

“Just around the corner actually. Got a job at the local gym.”

“Yeah I bet the fuck you did.” I squeezed his forearm between both of my hands. I wanted to roll my eyes at me falling back into my school girl giddy at him. Betrayal of the gods aside. He was even more gorgeous than ever. The scar down his face gave him a dark sexy vibe. Like a bad boy even though he claimed he was rehabbing himself now.

“So how, did you feel about the class?”

“I mean, I’d like to sign up for it a couple times a week, that’s for sure. And I’d like to take you out to dinner to make up for not remembering a beauty like you.”

I almost bit my cheek biting out the response of “Yes!”

“You’ve got my number,” he said, chuckling quietly. “I’ve got to get to work.” He shouldered his gym bag and excused himself.

The bike back to my apartment was spent reliving my tween fantasies about bad boy Luke. I opened my apartment door and screeched seeing a man sitting at my kitchen counter. Percy turned to face me.

“You know you live in New York? You should really lock that.”

“It was!” I snapped.

A quick grin. “Yeah. But it was easy to break into.”

I dropped my bag onto the floor and brushed past him to get a protein shake from the fridge. “I have to shower and get prepared for my night classes.” I told him.

“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier.”

I shrugged. “I didn’t either.”

He paused, studying my face in the shitty lighting of the single bulb hanging between us over the counter. “Are we good, Noa?”

“Of course. What’s a little head between friends?”

“Okay…I can’t read you. Can you not play tough just for a minute?”

I chugged the shake and set the bottle down between us. I leaned my arms on the chilled counter, bun knocking against the light. “Honestly, Percy. I’m fine. We are good.”

“Reyna moved back in.”

“You’re engaged again?”

I drank from the empty bottle to give myself something to do. He watched me with those green eyes. He’d known me for far too long. He was nearly impossible to deceive, but I was determined today. The fact that I had dreamt of fucking him two consecutive nights was irrelevant if he was off the table. Even if his lips did look incredibly juicy tonight. Even if they had done near illicit things to me just nights ago.

“I don’t know. She said she wanted to work on things. And it’s her dad’s house, so I can’t ask her to go and I don’t want to go to my mom’s and admit defeat.”

“You know you could stay here, Perc.”

He worked his jaw silently, then rubbed his hands over his face. “Thanks. I do know. Even if we aren’t officially back together, I think we should work on it…” he trailed off.

“And not tell her about you eating me out?” I leaned closer because I was mean to both him and myself. Because I knew this top combined with this angle gave him a simple opportunity. And he took it.

His tongue slid out between his lips as his eyes flicked down, stayed, then dragged deliberately back up. “Probably not,” he agreed.

For a long moment neither of us said anything. He had more to lose now than me. We were no longer on equal playing fields. So, I left the ball in his court. “I’m going to go shower.”

I was done washing in the first ten minutes. The second ten was giving him a little wiggle room to decide. I had my hand on the faucet to cut off the water that was beginning to go cold when I heard the door creak open. I watched through the fogged glass, catching a hold of my breath. I watched as he tugged his shirt off. My stomach flipped over itself when he reached for his jeans. What had I done?

The opening door let in a rush of cool air, perking my skin to attention. My eyes raked unapologetically over his naked, aroused body. His dark hair quickly slicked against his stubble covered jaw. His eyes were no longer the sea green but murky like the deep water of the ocean.

“Hey,” he said quietly, cautiously.

“Hey,” I giggled, reaching out to touch his rough jaw. He winced, catching my hand with his. “We probably shouldn’t kiss again.”

“Sure, whatever you want, Percy. What can I do to you?”

He groaned, turning his mouth into my palm, scraping teeth against the vulnerable skin. “Touch me,” he said.

My free hand instantly planted against his chest, scraping at the muscle. His eyes fluttered closed, head tilting back to expose his throat. I slid my other hand into his thick hair, tugging it tightly between my fingers and pulling to grant myself more access to the strong column of his neck. I bit it first, backing him into the tiled wall when he shuddered. I kissed over the reddening skin and moved my hands to his flat stomach, feeling the shuddered breaths beneath my touch.

“Like this?” I asked.

His reply was unintelligible. I kissed down his chest, moving my hand lower still as I went. When my fingers brushed over the v-line of his hips, I shifted my route away from the center and to his thighs. An annoyed grunt escaped his lips. “Hush,” I scolded, getting my knees under me. The now cold water was hitting the back of my neck and flowing down my body. I placed my hands on the inside of both his thighs, trailing them upwards and upwards until he nearly contorted when I gripped him. He let out a scandalous string of curses that quickly turned to moaning silence when I took him into my mouth.

He unraveled in minutes and I let him cum all over the breasts I had teased him with earlier. I rose in front of him, my own rosy cheeks mirroring his. “Now we’re even.”