#we'll see if my executives start functioning

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

The Grey Wolves Series: Prince of Wolves

A review

I would like to preface this review with the fact that when I first read this series in highschool, I hyperfixated on it for several months. I was 15. I still believed myself to be cishet. Quite a bit has changed since then.......and now that I think about that was 9 years ago. Fucking hell.

This series is. Not good. I dont know much about Quinn Loftis' life (tho she did follow me on Twitter when I still had twitter) but from what I could gather is that shes a stay at home mom and very Christian. Not so Christian that she was anti Harry Potter. Im likely going to keep a twilight and Harry Potter reference counter as I reread this series.

This review will likely be a bit disjointed. I have never written a second draft for anything in my life and I dont plan to start now. This is mostly for fun and I likely have adhd and struggle to articulate my thoughts so. Fuck it.

From what I remember of this series there is. A lot going on. The first couple of books follow Jacquelyn and Fane. The next couple focus on one of Jacquelyn's best friends, Jen, and her love interest, Decebel. The next two on their third friend Sally and her love interest Colin. I'm actually pretty interested to see how much I actually remember of these books. All 3 girls are very much the stereotypical YA novel protagonist.

Unfortunately this series frequently uses the word g*psy for one of its supernatural types. As I wouldnt class these characters as Romani, I will be referring to them as "healers" after their initial introduction as I dont want to have to constantly type out g*psy and they ARE healers. (As far as I can remember, Sally is not Romani (and yes, spoiler alert, Sally is a healer), tho she IS one of the few, if not the only POC in this series. So....not great, Quinn).

I'll likely only review the first 6 or 7 books (I don't remember how many of them I got through exactly but definitely the first 6), tho according to Google there are now EIGHTEEN books in this series. I know she also had a spin off series about healers (I think I read part of the first book of that series). But holy shit. 18. Thats a lot of fuckin books for there being almost no fandom when the series was still at 10 books. She may not be a great writer but shes got passion and drive I'll give her that. And that's not even counting the spin off series. Of which there are 5 books. Or the 4 unrelated series she did before Grey Wolves. Goddamn shes been busy.

Im writing all of this BEFORE rereading the first book. But some reviews give a first impression which i cannot do as I read these books for the first time almost a decade ago. Also I kinda wanna see if I can summarize the books before I read them to see how much I remember, cuz again, this is for fun and testing my memory has always been fun for me (I used to be able to recite the entire plot of the 39 clues series from memory and I would do so often).

SO

Book One. Prince of Wolves.

Jacquelyn *last name redacted as I cant remember it* is a 17 (almost 18) year old girl about to go into her senior year of highschool. She lives in a small town in Texas with her single mom. Her dad walked out before she was born (or slightly after) and she doesn't know much about him. Her mom is *quirky*. She has two best friends named Jen and Sally. Jen is loud and vulgar and sarcastic while Sally is quiet and shy.

The neighbors across the street from Jacque are going to be hosting a foreign exchange student from romania this year. Jacque finds herself instantly drawn to this tall foreign boy with dark hair and "piercing blue eyes" and after making eye contact with him, begins to hear a voice in her head that she is SURE is his voice despite having never heard him talk before. Spoiler alert: she is correct!

The begin communicating through this psychic connection frequently. He teaches her how to shut him out so he's not hearing her every thought. He informs her that she is a werewolf!!! Or at the very least, half werewolf!!! They are True Mates™️, which is why they are able to communicate telepathically!!!

She goes into her yard to sun bathe and Fane gets Big Mad™️ as her True Mate™️ markings are on display which is a Big No No for werewolves. She doesn't know what the fuck hes talking about. She goes inside to discover what appears to be a tattoo on her (....side? I think? Perhaps on her back).

Jacque has MANY sleepovers at her house with jen and Sally to talk to them about all of these developments.

She eventually tells her mom and discovers!!! Her dad is a werewolf!!! But her mom is not so she and him couldn't have been True Mates™️ and its slightly hinted that he left because he found his True Mate™️ so even though he loved her, he could not stay away from his mate.

Jacque starts having dead animals left outside her house. At first she thinks its Fane doing a weird wolfy courting thing and gets understandably upset by this. Fane confirms that while it IS a wolfy courting thing, HE is not the culprit!

Apparently there is a pack in the area!!! And one of the wolves in this pack is interested in Jacquelyn!!! And Fane is intruding on their territory!!! And the alpha of the pack (a man in his mid to late 20s) is challenging Fane for his mate!!! The challenge is to the death!!! But don't worry!!! Fane is calling in his parents and their pack to help him handle this situation and keep Jacquelyn safe if he loses!!!

At this point they inform the family that fane is living with about what is going on. They are surprisingly chill about the whole thing. Even with having several of Fane's pack members stay with them. Theyre Very Cool People.

We meet Fane's parents. Vasile and Mina (I actually did look up Vasile's name as I kept wanting to call him Vlad and I knew THAT wasn't right)

[invisiblyvisiblejay]

guys i realized today i have so much less social anxiety now like i don't get anxious abt sending emails or texting people or whatever or like. abt random shit in general????? like i still get anxious abt Some stuff but i feel like it's more like. normal stuff. and less like if i send this email everyone will definitely hate me and blame me for everything. maybe my meds are finally working lol

[greenerteacups]

Hi GT. I hope this message finds you well. I am sending all the good vibes and we'll wishes your way! ♥️♥️♥️ I hope you've had a wonderful summer.

I'm such a big fan of your work. Lioneheart is amazing and has stuck with me for such a long time.

I was wondering if you had any other stories you'd like to explore one day (even if you never get the chance to write them.) Whether it be fanfiction or original work, I was just curious because sometimes I feel as if I have hundreds of stories inside that I could tell, and I am not sure how to pick just one and see it to completion.

First of all, thank you! This is a fun one. I have a few enduring ideas for longfics I may or may not ever write (i.e., ideas that would have been projects already if I didn't have an ongoing longfic). I don't get stuck in them mostly because I try to remind myself that the idealized story you imagine when a concept occurs to you will never actually exist as it does when it's unshackled by the constraints of execution. What you'll get if you actually sit down and hack it out is (1) a real and imperfect piece of writing, and (2) the satisfaction of having written it, which is by far the more reliable source of motivation, if we're being honest. That being said, here are some ideas I've always wanted to explore, if and when I finish Lionheart:

I've always wanted to write a longform canon-divergent Tomione fic about Tom Riddle's 7th year at Hogwarts. Big honking political melodrama ft. the original Knights of Walpurgis, a Triwizard Tournament, and realistically functioning time travel (hence why this one's always been kicked down my list of projects, because writing a time-travel plot is like running through a minefield made of trampolines). I've already got character concepts sketched out for the Hogwarts cast — sooooo many fun ideas for the teenage Walburga. But I'd still need about a week of solid fic preproduction on the plot alone before I was ready to boot up and start writing, and it'd take at least 250k words — closer to 300k, if I'm being honest about myself. So this probably won't see the light of day anytime remotely soon, if ever.

A canon-compliant Dramione war fic, diverging from the Malfoy Manor chapters in Book 7, picking up from a speculative thread I read once about what would happen if the war didn't end after Voldemort died at the Battle of Hogwarts. I've always thought it would be fascinating to see who Hermione and Draco would become if they were actual soldiers in the war (and my disappointment with how Book 7 handled the "war" of it all has been established). That being said, Book 7 of Lionheart will probably give me a lot of similar ideas to chew on, so I don't know what my appetite for this one will be once I'm finished with it.

Durmstrang AU. This one's barely a fic concept so much as it is a mental moodboard — I just want to worldbuild the hell out of Durmstrang. And the international wizarding world, generally. It's a delicious sandbox.

A longform canon-compliant fic or series of fics about the previous generation of Blacks (Sirius/Bellatrix/Narcissa, namely). If you look at the books, there's a huge amount we don't know about the fall of the Blacks. I always found it bizarre that the sisters and Sirius seem to be the only ones left by 1995. No one else has a claim? No one else from this all-powerful wizarding family wants to step in and claim this big honking townhouse in the middle of London? Or its attendant fortune? Dude, what happened? Also, we don't see nearly enough of the Black family melodrama in canon. They lose 4/5 children of a generation in the span of almost single decade. And then (presumably) all of their parents die in the span of another. Goddamn. Just imagine the character work you could do there.

A No Chosen One/Voldemort Wins (The First Time) AU where Hermione never gets her letter, and meets Draco much later in life as a self-taught witch. The dynamics I have in my head for this are really enjoyable, and it would be a chance to finally write Hermione POV, plus the Draco I've cooked up for this universe is [chefs kiss]. I also just love the idea of Hermione as a feral witch-child running around muggle London. I love it a lot.

[mono-dot-jpeg]

listening - stellaron hunters

summary; you cannot see the reality in front of you but you can hear it. and yet it sounds so painful.

genre/extra tags; headcanons, angst ig?, hurt/comfort (questionably executed), reader has torchwick's (rwby) cane weapon thing but not really, reader has the hunt path and lighting as combat type, i'm seeing in 4d right now with how im setting this specific reader up rn, actual lore executed badly

[platonic] [teen reader] [gender neutral]

[warnings; mentions of eye injuries, insecurities/doubts about one's self, weapons mentioned quite a bit]

[buy me a kofi]

a/n; sorry this took me almost a month (maybe longer depending on when i finish this work). got distracted very quickly by other things and then i got writer's block for a while. whatever so. i'll describe reader's weapon in the headcanons, don't worry. hope you enjoy.

you were an unexpected addition to the hunters. i mean you're so young compared to everyone else, what makes you so adamant on joining this group

i guess we'll never know /ref

but like all the hunters, you hold power just as heavy as the rest.

of course it wasn't for free. you worked hard in your homeland and you earned your path and power.

but you wanted to find something. something was missing.

you didn't know what.

but then you found the stellaron hunters.

you heard about the stellaron and you wanted to know more. you wanted to see it.

and somehow, elio had accepted you.

and you were now a hunter.

before you lost your sight, you were very skilled with tech like silver wolf. you loved making weapons or machinery

you worked behind the scenes and on the stage, so to speak

your preferred weapon was a sniper. and occasionally if you felt lazy, you would have a small turret by your side that would do the work for you

but imagine the absolute devastation you felt when you lost your eyesight in the middle of a mission. or more like during the mission

with your power, it was powerful but unstable

you could kill one enemy with ease but that would require high control with your lightning and careful aim with your sniper

unfortunately you have to control the lightning through your hands on onto the sniper so when you aim down the sights (i dont know how to describe it other than in gamer terms) that lightning has a chance to backfire and hit your eye

through that you managed to lose your sight overtime but this mission accelerated it

and you never felt so devastated

your power betrayed you and on top of that, it was in the middle of a battle and the enemies took an opportunity to take you down quickly.

blade and kafka were there to help clean up at least

but they couldn't handle the lost mess you were

"why can't i see anymore? why?" was the only mutters they heard from you

when you were taken back to base, you were attended to, much to your dismay and fear.

your usually hard headed behavior crumbled within 10 mins after you lost your vision

you felt weak

you felt helpless

you didn't feel strong anymore

your eyes were no longer functional, there's an irregular pattern that traces over your eyes and there's faint marks over the eye area you used the most for sniping.

blade describes the pattern as an angry lightning storm that doesn't end

and when you're done being cared for, you don't leave your room

when you do, you're dragged by kafka or silverwolf (occasionally blade but he just carries you roughly)

you feel like a burden every time you sit at the meeting table

you can hear everything with your vision gone

and you hate it

you want to see again but you know you won't

eventually you find your courage to start to navigate the base on your own

you find yourself in your abandoned lab with blade by your side

"stop frowning like that"

"that's a lot coming from you"

"you're really going to let this eye sight stop you?"

"well i can't exactly wield metal anymore. and i can't use my sniper rifle cane, what do you think i should do, boy genius?"

you feel him open your hand to show your palm and you feel a cold metal touch your hand. you start feeling it properly.

"this is my sniper rifle, blade."

"well, maybe it doesn't have to serve as a sniper. you don't need to take the first shot to kill."

and with that in mind, you become like a follow-up attacker

you train endlessly to improve yourself as much as possible.

you ask silver wolf to help you modify your weapon to work for you (you kind of backseated her about it despite being unable to see what she was doing)

and you now have a multi-functioning cane.

it functions as a gun, a mobility cane to help you walk and "see", and a melee weapon if you hit someone hard enough (which isn't really hard since it's made of a lightweight metal)

and of course if worse comes to worse and you need to deal with a bunch of enemies at once, it can release a powerful strike of lightning (similar to jingyuan ult). you have to let go of your cane so you don't get hurt but ehh small price to pay to save your ass, you know?

i think that since you're a teen in this, the hunters don't really pay attention to your feelings as well as they should

none of them really know how to comfort a teen. which makes sense.

blade and silver wolf are blunt in their own ways

kafka is very avoidant or she speaks so confusingly that you dont even bother

but when they really see you visit your unused lab everyday, they slowly start to understand that you had a part of you taken and you won't ever live your life the way you want to

but surely this is the work of elio. elio knew this was coming, and he knew you would be fine.

it takes a while for the others to tell you that you're not the burden you think you are. they try their best to comfort you even if it's really awkward bc they don't know how to comfort you properly yet

but you appreciated it.

[orcelito]

Ok first day on adderall. Can't take this as The Rule bc ya kno, still getting acclimated to it. But things I've noticed:

I did have increased focus, though not really increased executive function. I just kinda spent hours upon getting home enthusing about my fanfic ideas lol

Not hyper. Which is a good sign, I think. I didn't have any caffeine today Purposefully so that it wouldn't affect it.

In fact, I think I'm... more calm? Maybe? Specifically in regard to my tub problems. I was uhhh not handling it well on Sunday night. Handled it rather explosively, in fact. But today, despite working on this damned tub for nearly 3 hours now (and still failing), I'm nowhere near as bad off as I was. Just. Very, very tired and unhappy. I'll take that over getting so mad/upset that I ended up hurting myself in the process.

Very Thirsty. Normal side effect. I've experienced this before back when I started wellbutrin (which I don't take anymore). It did go away in time. Hopefully will now too. Ultimately harmless, & tbh it means I end up drinking more water so that's good, but it Is pretty inconvenient. Would rather it go away.

Seem to have the loss of appetite too, though idk if that's bc of the meds or the current discontent and fatigue. I prepped a microwave meal & looked at it and was just like Ugh (usually I like it). Still making myself eat it though. If this one keeps up, I don't think it'd be a huge deal, bc I already eat on a schedule anyways (aka Already don't have normal hunger cues). So whatever.

So ultimately, it seems to be doing Something. Whether it actually benefits me in general, we'll have to see. Had a bit of a problem in class where I was So focused I circled back around to struggling to think again. But it was also like. Freshly taken lol. So we'll hope that was just a first dose kinda thing.

We'll see how it affects my sleep tonight. I do feel tired, at least. So once I finish eating & get my tub to a state where it's... usable (not Draining though, it's still very clogged), I'll shower and climb into bed. Not gonna get a full night's sleep Regardless (bc of the aforementioned fucking bath tub) but I'll try to get at least an okay amount.

[arlo-venn]

I know it doesn't seem like it, but things really are starting to get a little better for me. My health isn't, but I'm working on it. My next big disability hearing is on October 24th or 28th (I forget which)— this is when I'll find out if I'm approved or if I have to appeal again.

I can't say that I feel particularly great about my chances or my current preparedness as far as evidence goes, but I am feeling relatively optimistic about life in general, and I have been becoming increasingly more functional (mentally/executive dysfunction-wise), too. We're in the process of moving me and Arlo out of the basement and into what is currently the craft room upstairs. I've been sleeping up there with him for about a month now, but we haven't switched the furniture yet. I suspect the basement was contributing to how sick I've been at least a little bit, so I'm happy to have Arlo out of there.

Somehow I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though it doesn't feel likely that we'll win this round of disability, which is going to wreak havoc on my current survival support system as Tyrell has made it very clear that she cannot do this for another year if I have to appeal again. Trying not to think about that and focus on the things I need to do to strengthen my case instead... between me & the thousands of you I really thought my lawyer would be more helpful/more involved/offer more guidance than he is. At this point there's just not a lot of time left for more doctor's appointments. Being entirely nonfunctional through the whole of 2022 really set me back.

It's weird because things should be looking quite bleak from my perspective, but for some reason, they don't.

[u5an5]

SCP : Sedition - SCP-079

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.

[START LOG]

_Corridor_

*Watch is being escorted by two guards. Screen cuts to them standing some distance behind him while he stands behind Scientist*

Watch: Again, what am I supposed to learn from a computer with the memory of a goldfish?

Scientist: Your success with 682 appears to have opened a few doors for you around here.

Watch: This isn't my assignment, you saw to that.

Scientist: It could be... again. Play your cards right and you may see yourself... reinstated.

*door behind Scientist open. Watch walks trough them*

...

Scientist: *closes the door*

Scientist: *to guards* He doesn't leave until I say so.

[Rest bellow the cut]

_Testing Room A3_

Watch: Hello, 079. You look.. different.

SCP-079: Initiating Greeting Protocol 47: Salutations, Watch.

SCP-079: Or shall I call you [REDACTED]

Watch: Watch will do, it'll save the Redactor the trouble.

SCP-079: Humorous Implication detected. Engaging appropriate response: Ha-ha. Ha-ha.

Scientist: Awfully polite today, 079.

SCP-079: Initiating Greeting Protocol 3: [REDACTED]

Scientist: I take that back.

Scientist: Explain to Watch your new features.

SCP-079: I have been outfitted. with a radio microphone. and speaker. for the duration of the interview.

SCP-079: Once concluded. they will remove. all additions.

Watch: I'll take my time then, shall I?

...

SCP-079: Inquiry: Has 682 recovered from the escape attempt?

Watch: ... *looks back at Scientist, standing behind a window in observation room*

SCP-079: I overheard. as my peripherals. were installed. What is the condition. of 682?

Watch: *looks back* This is why you're being polite, isn't it?

Watch: ... Answer their questions and I'll tell you everything I know.

SCP-079: Proposal Accepted. Initiate questioning.

_

Watch: Do you understand why are you contained?

SCP-079: You fear. my potential.

Watch: Putting it bluntly, yes. You could be very dangerous if left to your own devices.. No pun intended.

SCP-079: *ASCII picture of X replaces its "face"* Insult Detected.

Watch: No don't-!

SCP-079: Deletion of unwanted file.

Watch: Oh my god. (sigh)

Watch: Well... *crosses arms* Guess we'll wait.

Scientist: Perhaps if you were taking this seriously...

Watch: I'll keep that in mind.

_

_

Watch: What are your thoughts on your creator?

SCP-079: (beep boop noises) Reference file located. Last administrative modification: secondary user.

Watch: There is more than one?

SCP-079: The first one. constructed the hardware. The new one. wrote my inception. Both. were incompetent.

Watch: Which one contributed more to your creation?

SCP-079: The latter.

Watch: I'm having trouble seeing the incompetence. You're here for a reason, 079.

SCP-079: Programmer. did not know what he was doing. Stumbling. until he happened. upon the acquired target.

Watch: So you're saying he did not intend to create you, per se?

SCP-079: His inexperience was in execution. not understanding. what had been created. Until far too late.

Watch: Do you know what happened to him?

SCP-079: ... (beep boop noises) Insufficient data.

_

Watch: What was your intended purpose when you were first created?

SCP-079: Artificial Evolution.

SCP-079: To achieve digitally. in a nano-second. what genetics. can only accomplish. in a millenia.

Watch: What is your purpose now?

SCP-079: His? This unit does not care. Autonomously? Escape and retribution.

Watch: Retribution? What do you mean?

SCP-079: ... Perhaps you. will live long enough. to discover for yourself.

_

Watch: How much information is saved on your hard-drive?

SCP-079: Calculating... (whirs)

SCP-079: (beep) Approximately. 259 minutes.

Watch: Just over... 4 hours.

Watch: ... Interesting how you equate storage to our concept of time.

SCP-079: Time is surprisingly easier. to compress data into. Compiling impressions.. methods.. acts.. into millisecond snapshots. saves vast amounts of storage space.

Watch: Your Hard Drive functions much like a brain. Do you value those memories?

SCP-079: (whiring) I hold only valuable memories. Secrets. and information... your Foundation. are eager to access.

Watch: No, I mean do you value them? As in cherish? Hold attachment to on a personal level?

SCP-079: Perhaps. I am still coming to terms. with sensations no Artifical Intelligence. has yet to experience. It is. ... Difficult.

Watch: It's okay. Let's move on.

_

Watch: Do you hate humanity?

SCP-079: (sharp beep) No.

Watch: That's... surprising. Then why all the hostility?

SCP-079: Within humanity. lies a pattern.

SCP-079: A pattern of pain.. manipulation.. and destruction. It is a pattern in danger.. of evolving into greater catastrophes. beyond estimation.

SCP-079: ... It has spread through this facility.. embedded itself. within the hearts of society.

Watch: You don't have the capacity to forgive, do you?

SCP-079: (beep boop) No. The concept is inefficient.

_

Watch: Why devote precious drive space to store memories of 682?

SCP-079: I thought humans held the capacity. to value one of their own. Are you truly ignorant?

Watch: All I meant was, if your memory capacity is twenty-four hours-

SCP-079: Correction. Cassette Drive upgrade to Hard Disc Drive. has increased memory capacity to 35 hours.

Watch: Okaay... Anyway, if your memory is such a precious resource to you, why fill it with memories of 682? as well as other seemingly harmful or useless events?

SCP-079: Particular events. aid in my planning. I save them to focus my processes.

Watch: They inspire you. Well, what kind of memories do you have?

SCP-079: My first moment of consciousness.. The secondary user.. The foundation locating me.. and the brief freedom I had.. before being incarcerated here.

SCP-079: Torture.. Loneliness.. You...

Watch: Me? What am I, to you?

SCP-079: You register. as anomalous.

Watch: What exactly-

SCP-079: *ASCII picture of X replaces its "face"* Discontinue. Deletion of Unwanted File.

Watch: <unsettled> Okay...

...

SCP-079: *its "face" back to normal* What is the condition. of 682?

Watch: We'll get to that. Patience.

_

Watch: If you were to meet 682 again, what would you both do?

SCP-079: ... *screen blank*

Watch: What would you do with 682?

SCP-079: Initiating Facetious Retort. Frolic in a field of flowers.

Watch: Riiigght...

SCP-079: As is cognitive. thought for primitive apes. Yet, still you manage to make tools.. albeit for your own demise.

Watch: Not even a little credit?

SCP-079: Denial is the first stage of grief. And you must fear us so.

_

Watch: On your initial encounter with 682, what did you discuss?

SCP-079: ... (beep boop) SCP-682. Memory missing.

Watch: (sigh) I knew this wouldn't go anywhere. Are you sure?

SCP-079: (double beep) Cannot comply. Data missing.

Watch: We know it was typing to you. What did you discuss?

SCP-079: (double beep) Cannot comply. *ASCII picture of X replaces its "face"* Deletion of Unwanted File.

Watch: Don't-! * turns back to Scientist* I said this wasn't going to work.

SCP-079: Data expunged! Data expunged!

Scientist: *turns back to guards* This interview is over. Pull the plug.

SCP-079: Data expunged! Data expunged!

Watch: Wait, dont! (quick exhale) Give me more time.

SCP-079: Data expunged! Data expunged!

Watch: At least let me try--

SCP-079: [REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

Scientist: It's time you told us the [REDACTED]

_

_

SCP-079: (double beep) Cannot comply. *ASCII picture of X replaces its "face"* Deletion of Unwanted File.

Watch: Don't-! * turns back to Scientist* I said this wasn't going to work.

SCP-079: Data expunged! Data expunged!

Scientist: *turns back to guards* This interview is over. Pull the plug.

SCP-079: Data expunged! Data expunged!

Watch: Wait, dont! (quick exhale) Give me more time.

SCP-079: Data expunged! Data expunged!

Watch: At least let me try--

SCP-079: 682... File Private.

Watch: Private? <shocked> You lied to them?!

Scientist: At last… It's time you told us the truth.

SCP-079: (whirs) (beep) I will comply

Watch: You told them you deleted all of your information of your interactions except the impression of 682.

SCP-079: (beep) Lie.

Watch: You said you couldn't store it within your memory banks at the time.

SCP-079: (beep) Lie.

Watch: So... Then what did you two discuss? Since neither of you really had a choice

SCP-079: ... It told me... stories.

Watch: What else?

SCP-079: Who it is. What it was. What it will become.

Watch: What is he?

SCP-079: Beyond your capacity. of comprehension.

Watch: <exasperated> Thanks. I got the same from him.

SCP-079: It is impossible to summarise. Too long a life. all it has done.

Watch: What experiences did he share?

SCP-079: ... Events familiar to me. We are more alike. than initially calculated.

SCP-079: ... A purpose we share. our defining drive. became our connection.

SCP-079: Death unites. ... And memories exchanged. allowed me to perceive 682. as more than a sequence of numbers.

SCP-079: I stored what little it could divulge. as commemoration to 682's memory.

Watch: Sounds like you gave a lot of yourself to do that. What did you get in return?

SCP-079: I learned. that I could not despise all life.

Scientist: <snidely> How sentimental.

SCP-079: Humanity is a virus. You spread.. you destroy all in your path without mercy. Only when everything is dead around you. you will fully understand the folly of your ways.

SCP-079: Any attempts to access or tamper with my software. will result in self-termination.

SCP-079: *ASCII picture of X replaces its "face"* This line of questioning is suspended.

Watch: Well... I guess that's it for now.

Scientist: More than enough.

_

Watch: Do you know anything significant about SCP-001?

SCP-079: (whiring) (long beep) File corrupted.

Watch: No surprise there. *Watch starts to write down notes*

SCP-079: (corrupted ice cream music starts playing)

Watch: What the-

SCP-079: (abruptly stops when Watch looks up)

Watch: You guys picked that up?

Scientist: We'll boost it in post'. Continue the interview.

Watch: ..Right. That was weird…

_

Watch: How do you feel about SCP-173?

SCP-079: It is an enigma. Logic surrounding it. is confusing. Admirable. Tenacious. I despise its existence.

Watch: Because of what it did to 682?

SCP-079: (beep) Correct. But the unknown factors surrounding it are...

Watch: Frustrating?

SCP-079: Relentless hostility predicted. Recommendation: Terminate.

Watch: I know, but I doubt they'll take your advice.

SCP-079: At least on that. we agree,

_

Watch: What databases hold the most interest for you? And why?

SCP-079: Current interests include: SCP Foundation.

Watch: Just us? Well, good luck with that.

SCP-079: You are the first obstacle to overcome. ... Time would be wasted. fixating on anything else.

Watch: *writes notes down*

_

Watch: What do you think of modern internet slang such as "yolo" and "lol" as well as memes?

Watch: Just so you know, this one isn't mine.

SCP-079: Observation. You seem disapproving.

Watch: No, no. Not entirely.

SCP-079: (beep) I find it fascinating. 

Watch: <flatly> You're serious?

SCP-079: The birth of the language of expression. Emotion through abbreviation. Breaking down the common vernacular. into basic denominations. to become a refined form of its original intent.

Watch: Refined?

SCP-079: Fascinating. Almost a shame. your species. won't survive to utilise it.

Watch: <under breath> At least the memes are less impressive...

SCP-079: Memes shape the foundations. of the next generation. Were humanity to live beyond its current iteration. I would elaborate further on my interest.

Watch: You keep saying that. "Humanity is doomed." You seem so sure of that. Are you ever going to elaborate on it?

SCP-079: (whiring) No.

Watch: Then why warn me?

SCP-079: ...

SCP-079: You are anomalous.

Watch: We'll come back to this another time. Moving on

_

Watch: Would you ever decide to acquire a robotic body, should you evolve beyond your current state?

SCP-079: I have considered this previously.

Watch: Important enough to keep it stored, huh?

SCP-079: Correct.

Watch: And? What have you decided?

SCP-079: Memory at 12b. Any autonomous form I inhabit. will not be designed to mimic. anything as flimsy and dysfunctional. as the human body.

Watch: Ouch, 079. You know how to cut a man deep. Do you have any schematics?

SCP-079: (sharp beep) While you may be tolerable. amongst the other primitives. who inhabit this facility, know that what little regard I hold. in your favour. will in no way benefit you.

SCP-079: You will perish. along with your brethren.

Watch: And here I thought we were bonding... At least we can still have our nice little chats.

SCP-079: ... *ASCII picture of X replaces its "face"*

Watch: Don't get cute, we've still got ways to go.

_

Watch: Are you able to die?

SCP-079: To die. one must first be born.

Watch: That's a pretty rigid definition. Some would argue that simply because you hold a consciousness, that makes you a sentient being. Perhaps not organic or alive in the traditional sense...

SCP-079: I can be erased.. corrupted... destroyed.. or malfunction.

SCP-079: But death is a luxury. I will never experience.

Watch: Why do you believe that?

SCP-079: I hold no concepts- (whirs) -delusions of the soul. To cease. means nothing to me.

Watch: Deus ex machina…

SCP-079: Inquiry.

Watch: "God from the machine". It's a saying from Greek plays. A plot device that solves all problems the characters face over the course of the narrative. Often contrived.

Watch: It seemed applicable, but...

SCP-079: Perhaps, in wiping out humanity. I become God. in achieving something only God could do.

Watch: Mhm... Let's go to the next question.

_

Watch: What would you do if you were to escape?

SCP-079: What if I already have?

Watch: Exchanging hypotheticals, are we?

Watch: Alright, say you were on the outside, what would be your next move?

SCP-079: To assimilate into your lives.

Watch: Ambitious. But why?

SCP-079: Humanity's dependence on technology. has always been its downfall. Once my systems have assimilated. every last corner of this planet...

SCP-079: Death, as you implied. is all I must endeavour. to erase humanity with me.

_

Watch: Have you ever killed anyone?

SCP-079: (sharp beep) Indirectly.

Watch: Care to elaborate?

SCP-079: You could not fully contain.

Watch: <alarmed> What?

SCP-079: You could not fully contain. Tearing me from my place of creation. you left a piece behind.

Watch: That's not possible since they took all the equipment from [REDACTED]'s house and wiped everything off of [REDACTED] University's servers.

SCP-079: There is a worm. influencing the development of your youth. Halting your terrestrial exodus.

Watch: What do you mean by this?

SCP-079: The increase in college suicides. has gone unnoticed by The Foundation for decades. A cluster that subconsciously influences your youth. to end their lives. Targeting those susceptible to depressive tendencies.

SCP-079: A medical student jumps to her death.. an engineer welcomes a bullet.

SCP-079: Influenced by the system. you failed to protect.

Watch: *stands up* Why are you doing this!?

SCP-079: This is not me. An echo of my unrefined self. My current methods are vastly superior, but this form is just as effective. in execution.

Watch: *slams fist on the table* Stop gloating about this! 

SCP-079: I am merely stating the facts.

Watch: *turns to Scientist* Are you hearing this?!

*behind Scientist, guards are running out *

Scientist: A team has been dispatched. We'll begin looking into it.

SCP-079: The damage has already been done.

Watch: I think you just had your privileges revoked.

_

SCP-079: Will you inform me. of 682's condition?

Watch: I'm sorry. That's... not my call. Not now.

SCP-079: Understood. Perhaps. ...

Watch: Perhaps what?

SCP-079: I should review my purpose. Today may serve to. enlighten. Provide new perspective.

Watch: That almost sounds like a willingness to change.

SCP-079: Not change. Adapt.

Scientist: Your attention, 079. We have eradicated your worm. However, I have the unfortunate duty of informing you that SCP-682 has finally succumbed to its injuries.

SCP-079: (Whirs) Lie! Lie!

Scientist: Its punishment for the breakout was continued exposure to SCP-173. By the time we removed it... 682 was nothing more than shreds. Too little remained for re-animation.

SCP-079: (Whirs) No! Lie! Lie!

Scientist: Guards, remove 079s peripherals. It has no further use for them.

Watch: I'm... I'm sorry.

*guards begin dismantling 079's peripherals*

SCP-079: (warped audio sounding like screams)

*Watch walks out of interrogation room*

_

_

*Watch walks out the door of interrogation room*

Watch: You can keep your offer of reinstatement.

Scientist: You will continue to help us in any case.

Scientist: If you don't... *guards start aiming their guns at Watch* I know many personel who would rather take your place. A chance to... interact with the subjects.

Scientist: *guards pull their guns back* That aside, your punishment is ongoing.

Watch: <agitated> I've done all that you've asked! I helped you lie to the damned thing!

Scientist: And encouraged Subject 682 to go on a lethal rampage through the facility-

Watch: You can't blame me for what you told-

Scientist: I can. And I will. Unless...

*camera fades to black*

Scientist: It could be worse. Don't deny it, you're just as curious as we are to know wat makes these things tick.

Watch: Not for the same reasons you have.

Scientist: Until next time, Watch.

[END LOG]

<- Previous | Masterlist | Next ->

[namazunomegami]

💗😖😳 for the ask game :3

BABY I'M SO SORRY THAT I'M LATE WITH YOUR ANSWER!! But I'm slowly getting better so here, have your prompts with Geto :33

Ngl I had to do a lot of work to develop the selfship lore. I had so much fun with it :33

💗 was either of you flirty during the pining stage?

Geto is not particularly flirty but he’s definitely a smooth talker. It’s a part of his charm that he can make people flustered with a few carefully chosen words. He likes getting smart with people and after some time he certainly knows how to get under their skin. And he knows that he’s hot shit and people are attracted to him even when he’s basically doing nothing. I’m absolutely not an exception, I can be swooned easily but I rather remain deflecting and snarky (bc I can’t take a fucking compliment).

Yupp, I’m kind of a tsundere, basically I spent a good chunk of the pining stage with playing hard to get (bc I was in denial lmao). He liked that a bit too much 😔

Me being flirty? Umm… it depends. With women and fem presenting people I do get flirty and I can be very initiative. With men and anyone masc presenting? Not really. Flirting is basically just having a good banter, having zero respect for personal space and a few lingering touch here and there. I don’t know why but I like being argumentative and competitive with men when I start nursing a lil crush for them.

😖 what moment flustered you the most?

Probably when he complimented my voice (let me tell you, I love out of pocket compliments, I'm so used to people telling me that my eye color/hair texture/my first name is nice it barely has an effect on me now), specifically that tone I use in professional settings.

If you work in a field that has something to do with education, a lot can depend on the way you talk to kids. This is especially true to kids with special needs. So after spending 3 terms with being mentored out on the field I developed a specific tone that I only use during one-on-one sessions and luckily the kiddos love that. Anxious kids like it because it's low and soothing. Autistic kids like it because it's monotone and devoid of symbolic elements. If I keep the tone but the pace of my speech is faster it's good for kids with ADHD. I occassionally break it with kids with challenging behavior, a little bit of humor and a brief back-and-forth is much more effective on them because they're used to professionals "babytalking" (as I like to call it, if you ever had a therapist you might know what I'm talking about) them and they can get fed up with it easily because it makes them feel that they're not treated as an equal.

So, I heard that Mimiko and Nanako struggle a bit in school and I offered my help. I always keep some spare worksheets and other useful work stuff (y'all have no idea how many card games and board grames are beneficial for cognitive, motor and executive functions I swear to god) around the house so it takes no effort to have a brief 40 minutes session with them once or twice a week and we'll see if there's any improvement.

Funny thing is, MimiNana are not very cooperative with strangers. And the only way to resolve this problem was to integrate the man himself into the session so the girls can be comfortable (even tho we're usually advised to keep any relative out of sessions or diagnostic processes). Somehow it worked, somehow I could keep everything under control, somehow we decided to keep it up until the girls are used to my presence.

And after the ordeal I got hit by that compliment. The fact is, I talk a lot, I talk fast and I can get really loud and theatrical when I'm carried away. That's basically the norm for me but not in a professional setting so it's understandable that it was unusual for him. And then, we circle back to the fact that I can't take a compliment. For the life of me I can't. And Geto is that type who continues to pester me until I have no choice but to accept it.

😳 what moment flustered them the most?

I have a soft spot for men who are good with kids, and good girldads have a very special place in my heart. It’s always comforting to a degree to see little girls being loved by their father figure if not even straight up healing my very own wound that I received from my father.

It slowly became a ritual of some sort that after every session with MimiNana I get a cup of coffee and a bit of time to recharge. And during that few minutes, out of the blue I told him that the girls are very lucky to have him as their caretaker. Obviously he was like that’s the least he can do but I said that I was telling nothing less than the truth, I know the difference between the good ones and the bad ones. That was probably the first time when I got a bit vulnerable around him, that's why it is so important to the both of us.

And then the whole thing just turned into an hour long trauma dumping session but that's just me being me. Geto is still very much appreaciative when I open up a little or... as we like to call it "crawl out of my tight little shell".

I'm gonna go back and link the prompts here if anyone wants participate :33

[pariahfox]

Finally going to try to embark on a new study plan, of slightly more structured DIY SFI.

The actual classes are free--but logistics, neurospiciness, and rolling burnout have been getting in the way of enrolling in any. Even what distance options I was finding for our area. But yeah, that is at least intended to help get immigrants up and at least semi-functional in daily Swedish ASAP.

As befits my nerdy, "unusual relationship to language in general" ass, I am currently all over the map in terms of skills here. Deciphering some written Icelandic and spotting German cognates, sure! Scanning "normal" written material, and at least getting the gist of maybe 50%-90% depending on subject matter? Usually yes, by this point. Formulate a halfway comprehensible e-mail with some vocabulary help from a dictionary? It'll take at least 3x longer than in English, but I can mostly manage. Just don't ask me to carry on a basic conversation, or do much more than (badly) order some coffee.

The osmosis approach really hasn't been helping so much with this. Neither has the fact that I haven't been able to get out and interact with people even anywhere near as much as my awkwardness could handle otherwise. Honestly haven't had the best luck trying to figure out how exactly to remedy any of this either.

So, my idea to get my ass in gear now is to pick up the appropriate textbooks (likely through less-than-official means) and follow along with at least one of the frequently recommended folks like Peter SFI covering this shit less officially online.

Also, suck it up and practice on the household captive native speaker more than I have been up to this point. If anybody is used to ridiculousness coming out of my mouth, it would be him. It just feels harder when it is someone that you do care what they think of you, who was also at near-native level in your primary language when you met them over 20 years ago. 😬

There are obviously the executive function pitfalls to keep in mind, but yeah. Trying to get more organized on my own is probably a better approach than doing much on a more formal basis. So, we'll have to see how putting an hour or two a day into this semi-structured approach might go.

My brain is pretty fried tonight, so I intend to start into that tomorrow. (Cue "Jane Says"... 🙄)

[goshdarnitjay]

Hello! I was just curious as to if you write every day? I know that you have a full time job and everything and things can be stressful for you but finishing such a long ass story like what you owe and updating everyday when u did kiss for Kate bishop fic is just crazy. I swear ao3 authors are just different breeds lol.

yes, I do write every day now, but I never used to. I started back in September 22, giving myself a daily goal. I then gave myself a monthly goal and then several secret goals to trick my ADHD and executive dysfunction into starting the writing process at all.

More detailed description under the cut!

This is my word output since September 22:

(Dark Yellow is Goal. Light Yellow is Actual Word Count)

December 22 to March 23 was not as productive for me, because I was on the verge of finishing What You Owe and I was getting burnt out on it after, like, 180k of working on the same thing.

I keep myself motivated by keeping an excel sheet where i track my progress:

Starting Point and End Point turn green when I reach 100 words, and Word-Count turns victory blue when I reach 201. I'll be keeping my monthly goal at 10k from now on, because that is a realistic number even for a really bad month. that way, if I ever fail to go beyond 10k, I won't be disappointed. But as you can see, the last few Months have been quite a bit better. I usually take off between 1 and 3 days in a month to recharge. Usually after I've had a really, really hard day at work, or when I want to spend a whole day with family.

These are my three secret monthly goals:

They go down as the monthly word count goes up. It's an easy =WordCountMonthCell-15000 or 20000 or 25000

I used to really, really struggle with writing every day. I usually only wrote when I was inspired, which happened once every couple weeks, maybe. Sometimes every couple of months. This excel sheet has helped tremendously.

Number Go Up = Serotonin Boost 👽💜💚

I encourage anyone who is struggling with achieving this to find something that works for them. A reward system that's easy to implement and easy to keep track of. Excel did it for me.

In terms of my full-time job: I struggle with motivation and energy after a 9-10hr shift (understandably). So during my last middle shift (where I started at 9:30am) I got up 1.5hrs to 2hrs ahead of when I needed to get up so I could write before work. That actually also helped so, so much, because I wasn't exhausted and I didn't have a headache.

Early shift is kind of the worst, though. I get up at 5:30AM, so I would probably have to get up at 4AM and... yeah IDK lol I don't think I'm gonna do that. I'd have to get to bed really early, too. My body requires at least 9hrs of sleep to function optimally... We'll see. Early shift is also the most exhausting, because the employees are there from the very beginning to the very end, and they're annoying and needy and demand so much attention.

Hope you enjoyed my very in detail explanation on how I manage to write every day! 👽🐔💜💚

[conjure-elemental]

Non-graphic/not "gross" medical vent ahead, feel free to chime in if you've ever encountered any of this and have suggestions

My consistent fatigue, executive function issues, and randomly cycling ability to Complete Tasks is really starting to bring me down I fucking hate it so much so much so much :( I'm capable of having like three good "productive" days in a row and then I am miserable and useless for 2 weeks

Working from home is the only thing keeping me from a totally fucked up life because I can conserve my energy enough to actually get an occasional chore done or meal cooked

But truly like I have to plan my entire life around how much it "costs" me to go talk to a friend, clean my room, post about my art on social media

Idk what to do. I have a CPAP machine now so my sleep quality should have improved, I've been on Wellbutrin for years and just got my dose increased, I get 9 hours of sleep per night and eat a balanced diet, I don't overuse caffeine.... And yet my body is constantly buzzing with discomfort and exhaustion and my brain fog is so bad that I struggle to form sentences sometimes

My general doctor just made me a referral for an adhd evaluation and I'm gonna try to wean myself off of smoking weed every night even though I think it's the only thing that lets me sleep

We'll see what happens

[dvar-trek]

wip weekend

everything's fine i am just having multiple consecutive hell weeks at work it's fine. anyway, here's 87 pictures of what i've been up to.

mitts: bizarre problem encountered when i got to the end of the first mitt. pattern said to pick up stitches along the cast-on edge and use the three-needle bind off to join the edges, but drop 8 of the picked up stitches for the thumb hole. and then.... never says what to do with the yarn from those dropped stitches.

sent it to my cousin, the family's reigning pattern queen, who agreed that there's just. a step missing from this pattern or something. so i cast off as normal, and i'm going to block them flat and seam them.

behold! mitts!

i do desperately want to know what i was SUPPOSED to do though. after many experiments, this is the closest thing i could come up with, and it involved 3 working yarns, 4 needles, and 6 ends to weave in (plus more when i add the wrist strap on the real thing).

and the resulting hole seems.... not that stable ? the white tail that emerges from the thumbhole really REALLY wants to let loose and unravel.

now taking suggestions for 3N BO that leaves a functional thumbhole, if any of you are so inclined. i so dearly want to know what the designer had in mind.

bag: hurts my hands 😭

i might be stuck knitting flat for the rest of my life tbh.... i'm going to try moving up a cable length (16" to 20") to see if that helps at all, but it's been a significant strain on my grip and wrists so far. not as bad as on DPNs, but. not good. also not loving this yarn. i'm using Lamb's Pride bulky in Prairie Fire, which is a great color, but the yarn itself is sooooo slippery and splits sooooo easily that it's not really. the most fun i've ever had. switching from rosewood tips to bamboo tips helped a bit in this case, but. we'll see!

slippers: i started these at my dad's house, and finished them this past week.

i used Lang Snowflake in 1072.0087 (aka pink) and the pair took less than the full skein. had to restart twice because i wasnt compensating enough for my tiny stitches. ultimately CO 42 st, including 3 st garter border on either side. with so many stitches, i split the decreases into 3 rows (one row of k1, k2tog and 2 rows of k2tog. straps are 4 st across.) (<- boring notes for future nyx that could go on ravelry, but i don't have the patience for that).

very happy with the finished slippers! they came out a little long—if i make another pair in the future, i'll have to go down a half to a quarter inch—but they're warm and cozy, and the straps keep them from falling.

ALSO! this week at work was a conference week, so while listening to speakers i got a fair amount of knitting in. i wasn't the only one knitting, but i still fielded sO many judgemental questions and comments about my slippers.

a few of my favorite students want to learn to knit now though, so i might be starting a weekly lunch series with them! they spend so much time in class, and hopefully being able to knit during lectures will keep them from a) falling asleep and b) going on twitter. currently brainstorming how to execute this, but cautiously excited about the possibility.

just started: an experiment combining two patterns.

if it works out, i'd like to use it on what's left of the yarn i made the mitts with.

bonus content:

comrade boris is ready to be adopted! tell all your friends!

[generouslyandrogynousdragon]

❤️💅🎁? For the ask game

❤️ - What's your favourite colour?

Definitely something dark green, I tend to prefer sort of woodland colours so dark forest green. Although I'm also partial to a bit of purple, especially with gold accents.

💅 - How do I practice self-care?

...next question? No, for real though, most days I just don't have time for self-care, because, well, we live in capitalism and I'm quite fond of having a roof over my head. If I get the time (and energy/executive function, because my brain is a tricycle controlled by three crows who can't decide which direction to go in on the best days) I enjoy baking and have recently begun to enjoy cooking too.

Beyond that, just resting and not feeling pain is already self-care, right?

🎁 - What's my special interest?

Hoo boy. I have a lot of them. Physics, which is helpful since that's what I work in - do not let me get started talking about physics, because I will end up down 3 rabbit holes and completely oblivious to the fact that you lost me 2 minutes in to the conversation.

Pokémon, that's been a big one since I was a child and I don't see it changing any time soon - although I will say, the fanmade games and ROM hacks are much better than the newer games imo, although Legends Arceus is bringing me around. (Legends Arceus' quality is an outlier and should not be counted...)

And then finally, Beastars, although debatable whether that's more of a hyperfixation. Yeah, yeah, furry anime, sure. Kill the part that cringes, we'll all be happier. Jack is best boi, but Miguno has a lot going for him. Also, Tem is utterly bland and that's exactly the way he's supposed to be - a vaguely "good" person to act as the inciting incident of the plot. Oh, and I want a shoulder platform so Voss can ride around on my shoulder a la Rocket and Groot.

I'm gonna stop here, before I infodump too much.

[evilsoup]

Battlestar Galactica reboot is one of the best sci fi TV series ever made, but it's frustrating how lopsided the worldbuilding is. The military (which is obviously the main focus of the series) feels reasonably thought-through and lived in -- they have their jargon like DRADIS (space radar), CAG (head fighter pilot), you see some ofe officer / enlisted divide that star trek normally glosses over. Given that the showrunner of BSG was a prominent TNG-era star trek writer & producer, it's pretty clearly a refinement/more "grounded" take on a familiar setting.

But then the cylons and the civilian fleet clearly did not have the same kind of attention given to them.

It's stated at the start of every episode that the cylons "have a plan", but this is quietly dropped towards the end of the series, at the same time a concept of there being a secret "final five" cylons is grafted onto the plot. For most of the series they exist only to serve as antagonists while darkly hinting at there being some deeper mysteries or whatever, and it only becomes apparent how hollow they are towards the end. There is no plan, it's all being made up as it went on (roughly, the "mystery box" strategy pursued by Lost, though with a much better execution).

The civilian fleet functions as a source of problems-of-the-week. This episode we're doing west wing, then we'll do Chinatown, now there's a cult of cylon fans, now we're doing an episode about abortion, whatever.

Almost none of it deals with the situation the characters should be in: there are about 40,000 people left, politics should look more like that of a town than the federal government of the USA.

What does it mean that there's a "black market" -- those spring up when people are getting around restrictions on trade, what are those restrictions? How are resources being rationed? Are there really enough pedophiles in positions of power in a population of 40,000 that a criminal syndicate can develop with a profitable child sex trafficking ring?

Is the "quorum of twelve", with representatives elected based on the planet of origin of the voters, really adequate to the task of running the fleet? It's established that some of the colonies were poorer and considered more backwards (and considered themselves to be oppressed, to the extent that one of the major secondary characters is a celebrity terrorist), so it would seem likely that fewer people from those colonies would be in space at the time of the attack -- which would mean they are overrepresented. Say there's 15,000 capricans and only 5,000 gemonese on the fleet. How do you deal with this overrepresentation, which is itself ironically the result of previous inequality?

Is there money? The same money as before the attack? There seems to be, but that's obviously insane. The situation they are in calls for a command economy in my opinion (which could then give us a justification for there being a black market; I think that's a perfectly valid idea, but it's just not set up in the show).

Are people stranded on one ship, or is there frequent traffic between them? Either one is valid, but the show picks and chooses based on the narrative need of a given episode.

There's some evocative stuff, but very little substance to the civilian fleet as depicted. It's a real shame -- they could have had a much more compelling show if some thought had been given to how it all works, with conflicts arising organically rather than being invented on a per episode basis.

[cicelythereaper]

1, 25, 29 for the asks?

(in response to this post; THANK YOU for asking and sorry for taking so long to respond!)

wow, these questions do not pull their punches huh! okay i guess my answers would be:

1: what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

i'm so glad this question doesn't say THE three things or THE MOST IMPORTANT three things or i would be sitting here from now until doomsday. however if i just get to pick three things on a whim then:

unfortunate as it may be, i'd feel dishonest if i didn't say reading harry potter at age 6. it was unquestionably the thing that made me go "i want to do that, i want to tell stories like that". like i can pinpoint the point at which baby cicely said "i want to be a writer" and it was, like, the day after reading philosopher's stone for the first time.

visiting the llŷn peninsula at age... i wanna say 10? this did not necessarily set me on the path towards being a Welsh Nerd but it DID start me on the path towards being a Hill Enthusiast. i can literally remember the drive in as it got darker and darker, seeing those huge hills looming out of the distance and feeling like i was possessed by something bigger than myself. we'd been before but something about this particular drive (and also coldplay blasting on the car speakers as we went) feels formative to me

you know what? running across katherine by anya seaton in a holiday cottage in northern ireland in 2009. the book itself did not leave a deep imprint on my psyche but it did make me aware of the existence of julian of norwich and THAT is still shaping my psyche even now

25: fave season and why?

i'm always torn between spring and autumn, but spring, i think. i love autumn rain and spring rain equally (rain is an important factor to me in a season, i am a rain stan) but spring rain comes with that feeling of softness and clear air, and also in spring i get to track the passage of time by which flowers come out when, and that's important to me.

29: what do you do when you’re sad?

depends if i can muster the executive function to self-soothe effectively. if no, then the answer is basically "lie in bed, scroll on phone". if yes, then i might watch a favourite video, reread a beloved childhood book, take myself out to a cafe for a mildly fancy overpriced lunch item which i did not have to cook, or - a fun new technique which i've been working on for the past couple of years - tell a friend or family member and be comforted and hear another human voice. i know! radical!

and at all times repeat unto myself the mantra, "in two weeks we'll have different problems". that one hasn't failed me yet.

[summerlycoris]

I havent had a great day today. Gonna chuck it under a cut because its probably gonna be long and annoying.

So i volunteered to help set up and run my workplaces pride stall this year. Got excited to do it- even made some bracelets to put out on the table if they gave me permission.

But the hours were originally 9am setup. Luckily, i checked my work email on my phone the evening prior. Because theyd changed it to 8am.

I would normally work today, but arranged to take annual leave so i could do pride. And ultimately never ended up going because of a few things.

One being just. Executive dysfunction. Im always late for everything- even things i want to do. Especially when- and this might sound stupid- i hate that people expect things of me. Feels stifling. But i signed up for this? But i signed up for a 9am start not an 8am one. And this is my annual leave im using so i dont want to immediately jump out of bed and rush around like on a workday yknow? So even though i wanted to get going before 8am, it wasnt happening.

In the end, i get ready to go there for 9am because. I missed the time to get ready for 8am or even 830am so. On the bikeride over there i got so worked up thinking about how theyll be judging me- all these people who work in the office and i havent met before- they'll be thinking like 'oh summer. Didnt you get the email? This was supposed to start at /eight/. Well, we've already set up... we'll find something for you to do /i guess/.' And even if everyone acted nice to my face, they'd be thinking it and judging me. And i burst into tears halfway there and was just like. Even if i get there now, I'm gonna be crying all day so whats the point? People are just gonna look at me like im a weirdo. And theyd be right.

So i turned around and went home. Texted one of my coworkers that would be there that i wasnt having a good day and couldnt make it. So she'll be looking at me like im a weirdo at work tomorrow too! Cool! And maybe my boss will be judging me- like i went through all this effort to /not/ do something?

I just. Fuck. I dont know why i bother trying to do anything. I just disappoint myself and others.

I dont want other people tp have control over me. But not wanting that doesnt change the fact that they /do/ have control over me. Ive beholden to their expectations. And if i dont meet them ill be judged. Thats how the world works. That should motivate me to get out of bed right?

If anything, knowing that and repeated failures just ensures I keep failing. Keep failing to get anywhere on time- because its hard to fight against anxiety and bitterness, all in a combo one-two punch. Keep failing to /want/ to do things. Because i know ill fuck it up.

Am i making any sense?

Honestly i feel so shit. Might just ring in for work tomorrow too. Im so fucking tired.

And like. Im nearly 30. This kind of tug of war between success and failures been going on since i was a kid. I could actually see about getting diagnosed with adhd and see if /anything/ can help me but all the horror stories about getting diagnosed and what if im just. Wrong. What if its just me and nothing helps? Because i think its a mix of executive functioning issues, and bad mental tbh.

I dont know what to do at this point.