#wearing a binder helps soooo much like i’m very lucky

[motheyes]

sometimes i forget how gut wrenching dysphoria can be

[thisiswhymomworries]

How did you figure out you're a man? Gender is confusing

gender is very confusing, and I just dogpaddled in this great big Confusion Ocean toward anything that made me happy

I started out by realizing that even though wearing makeup and dresses and heels made me look very pretty and that validation made me happy, I was only happy about other people responding positively. it didn’t make me happy on its own, and was actually a huge pain to do every day

so I went more “butch” and eventually started buying clothes out of the boy’s section, and that DID make me happy. to the point that I started only wearing those and stopped wearing makeup entirely

then being called she, her, anything about being a woman, started to feel really wrong and aggravating, even though I’d spent years IDing as non-binary (knowing I am Not a woman is one of the few solid facts I’ve known about myself for sure, but I went to the non-binary label before trans male) and not caring or feeling bad / dysphoric about it

idk why that changed. maybe because I just started being more open with myself about what I really wanted, and I’d also sort of “proven” to myself that I *could be* beautiful and attractive as a femme-presenting person, which was important bc my entire childhood was about how ugly and weird I was, so I guess I just needed to reverse that in my mind before I could move forward with anything else

but then once I had learned how to dress fashionably and apply makeup well and “look pretty,” my brain was like “OK we accomplished that Fuck You so we’re totally done with that now” and suddenly it just wasn’t fun anymore  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

then I went through months of reacting very badly inside my own head every time someone misgendered me as female (before, thinking I was non-binary, I personally was just sort of resigned to the fact that no one would ever realize I was nb without me telling them, and it was “fair” for them to assume I was female, so it didn’t really bother me toooo much or feel like misgendering, but whoo boy did THAT change)

and also during those same Bad Months, struggling over whether I could still be happy IDing as non-binary, and just because I Was Not Female, that didn’t necessarily make me male, but also I liked wearing boy’s clothes and the thought of being a boy made me really happy and I started dreaming that I was a boy and one time my boss told me I was “a gentleman and a scholar” as just a silly joke but my dopamine receptors latched onto the word “gentleman” for like a week of happiness, soooo

I just started doing anything that would make me happy and dropping the things that didn’t. getting a binder made me happy, buying all boy’s clothes for my whole wardrobe has made me happy, and eventually I decided using he/him pronouns would make me happier than they/them pronouns

I’ve also been in therapy for the last several months specifically to have someone to talk to about this stuff, mostly just as a sounding board and someone to listen while I figure out how to verbalize my feelings, because that’s helped me understand WHAT I’m feeling a lot. I also went through a leadership program at my local equality center that let me test out using he/him pronouns and joined a transgender support group where I’ve made friends and also talked about it all!

as for non-binary vs trans male, I eventually realized the actually important part is that I’m Not Female. right now, at this moment, I’m happiER using he/him pronouns and being a trans male. maybe that’s because it’s “easier” in a way because I didn’t have to explain much while coming out at work and he/him is more common than they/them. maybe one day I’ll realize that being binary-male doesn’t quite fit and I’m more demi-boy or even go back to non-binary

but RIGHT NOW, it does make me happy and is easy and safe (at work, with my friends, and with my mother; I am very very lucky) to use that label. since I’m never going to wake up and feel like a cis woman, because I never have in my life so I see no reason for that to be fluid or change, there’s no point in clinging to it when something else could make me happy. and even if I do need to switch to non-binary, that’s not any LESS trans. that’s not like basically a girl. my cis coworkers would still consider me different from them and would still need to get used to new pronouns and a new appearance, so holding back on IDing as a trans male just because I’m not 100% certain I’m a MAN sometimes doesn’t make sense

so that’s how I ended up making the jump to declaring I’m a man, even though it took a really long time and I have doubts sometimes. that’s all OK, and I’m just going to do whatever I need to so I can be happy and live my best life, and so should you

[zacxmeyer]

6 days post op top surgery  (June 21, 1016)

I’ve been getting a lot of questions about my top surgery so I decided to write about my experience about 6 days post op after my surgery. Here an email I sent to a fellow brother:

 Make sure if you have any type of anxiety or any medication you take that you talk to them about it just in case you have to take it. You want to make sure it is okay to take with the antibiotics you're on and the pain killers you are on.  I couldn't get up by myself so my mom helped me out a lot. I had to sleep at like a 90 degree angle and it sucked. So I brought 4 pillows, a travel pillow and then one of those arm chair pillows. This helped a lot. I have stitches that go all the way up to under my armpit because i had a 34C cup size. This has been the most painful thing for me. I can't lift my arms up very high due to the feeling of like ripping them (even though I know I won't) it just scares me. The second painful thing was the liposuction. I got it above my chest and then of course by my armpits (which is probably why that was also really painful) . The incisions part hasn't hurt at all. If anything it's just weird to look at because it's super jagged and stitched together, I'm just not used to it plus open wounds gross me out hahaha     Um, you can't use deodorant so I brought body spray just in case I did smell. You won't be able to wash yourself. I got make up remover to wash my face and it made it feel cleaner. Someone will have to have you wash your hair, and pretty much everywhere. Showers are nice but you will feel stiff and your chest will hurt so it's best to just have that person wash everything for you. So have someone bathe you. I know I wasn't supposed to shower (you're supposed to after your pre op appointment and they will go over all of that with you)... But I did the next day because I couldn’t handle it. I just wore my binder and everything, and my mom put a garbage bag over my head so it was covering my chest.. Then I put a towel underneath so I was double safe to not get my chest wet. My hair gets super greasy so not only did it help make my hair clean but I felt SOOOOO much better. Like showers will just put you in a way better mood it's amazing. You won't be able to wipe yourself either... And they don't tell you this, because essentially you have t-Rex arms.. So I brought lots of baby wipes and had my mom do that part for me. This might sound weird hahaha but I feel like it is important: normally I don't have a problem going poop, but after surgery and having the anesthesia mixed with all the pain pills, I couldn't go to the bathroom for a week. And I felt so sick because I basically ate everyday but I just felt soooo full. And it sucked. And it sucks to that you have to have someone wipe your butt for you but it's worth it because it's better than ripping out your stitches. So I would buy stool softener even though these didn't work for me, I had to take magnesium citrate and that did it for me. Take your pain medicine on time! THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. My mom had a schedule on her phone, and the timer would go off. Have whoever is taking care of you, do it every 4 hours pain meds and then antibiotic was 9pm, 5am and 1pm. Of course you can make your own schedule.  It's up to you on if you want to take 1-2 but I took 2 for the first 2 days then gradually stopped to 1, then half and now I'm totally off of them and have like 15 pills left. I am not a huge pain pill taker, so I wanted to get off of them asap.     I was pretty out after my surgery... I remember being taken into the operating room and they were asking me about my tattoos and then I was out. The next thing I remember was waking up in my hotel room. I don't remember anything after I woke up from surgery.  Also ask your hotel ahead of time if they have a wheel chair, because the hotel I had didn’t and my mom said I had to be put on a luggage cart (which I don’t remember hahah but my mom later showed me pictures)  Day 2, was the worst day for me. I couldn't move much at all, and you feel stiff but after day 2, I felt way better. Each day gets better and better. I am a week post op, and I actually could shower myself today. My armpits still hurt but I can bend my neck far enough down to where I can reach my own hair. I also was able to wipe myself about 5 days after surgery, but again this might be different for you. OHHH flex straws were helpful.  Wear a zip up, boxers/underwear, sweats. They told me this while I was walking to the operating room, bc I was wear boxers and sweats, and she said that my bottoms would get soaked due to fluid when they do the surgery... So they give you the option to wear bottoms (get wet) or not to wear anything. I just took my sweats off, and wore my boxers. When I got back to the hotel room I remember saying "I'm wet" and my mom changed my boxers for me. So have a change of pants/ boxers and or sweats.    They tell you that you'll feel nausea/vomiting... I didn't have any of that, I was lucky. I did have saltine crackers as my first food and drank ginger ale.

 I'm excited for you. It has been a life changing experience. I feel 85% normal.  My nipples/stents (yellow things on my new nipples) they have been bugging me. Any kind of rubbing or touching is just annoying. The best way I can describe it is like chafing. But that's a good thing because that just means I can feel which I was nervous about. 

 Zac