#weed affects me so much differently than most people it's weird

[tittyinfinity]

covid precautions: smoking fat dabs all day so you hack up everything in your lungs before anything can get in there

[filthforfriends]

Pre-San Remo interview so wild that I have to routinely hunt whatever version YouTube hasn't removed for copy right infringement to convince myself if actually happened.

Here are the highlights paraphrased:

Do you sleep with a different person every day? D: No. Every week? D: No. Man, women, or both? D: Women.

Have you ever been in a relationship with a much younger woman? D: No, "much younger than me" is what? Kindergarten?

Have you ever been in a relationship with a much older girl? D: Yes. From 18 to 34...is 16 years (of age difference).

Have you ever experienced or been subjected to sexual harassment in a musical environment? V: Hmm, no.

Have you ever been aware of sexual blackmail in your environment? V: Of people close to me that I know directly, no.

If it happened, what would you do? V: I'd try to comfort the person that had suffered harassment and I'd try to encourage them to report the facts and to talk about it.

Do people catcall you? V: Yes. Does it bother you? V: Yes, it's annoying. Can it be considered on par with harassment? V: Yes. Obviously, its psychological and verbal harassment, not physical. However, that does not make it any less serious.

Have you ever told off a persistent fan? D: Not because of his persistence...Once, when we were playing there weren't barriers. Victoria bent over and a guy had the friendly idea of touching her butt.

What did you do? D: I told him a few things. Not good things.

Who spends more on porn? T: We don't need those sites. D: Ethan! V: Ethan! E: I don't know why I feel like the others said my name. Am I wrong? Anyways, it's not me.

And are you in favor of legalizing prostitution? All: Yes.

Do you have a girlfriend in common? D: Not that I know of. T: Absolutely not. E: God, what a weird question.

And a boyfriend? D: Neither. T: No.

Have you ever thought about the fact that sooner or later you could disband? T: There is so much chemistry that no. E: No, never wanted to think about it.

Have you ever thought of leaving the band to become a soloist? D: Absolutely not.

Is being in the shadow the fate of musicians who are not frontmen? E: No. T: No. I'm also a guitarist so I don't have this problem.

Aren't you envious of John Lennon and Paul McCartney? T: Absolutely not. E: No, it's just self-destructive.

Have you ever taken psychedelic drugs or sedatives? All: No.

Pro legalization of soft drugs? All: Yes.

Voluntary euthanasia? All: Yes.

Who smokes more weed? T: I don't know. D: Me. V: Damiano E: Damiano.

How many cigarettes do you smoke per day? D: 5-10.

Cialis or Viagra? D: None. Misfire (premature ejaculation), it happens to everyone. What do you do when it happens to you? D: Wait a quarter of an hour.

How many hours do you spend making love? D: It depends on the week. And masturbating? D: Not many (times).

Are you in a relationship? D: I won't tell you that. Then tell us if you cohabitate. D: I live alone.

To win your affection, how much does it count (on a scale) from 1-10? Buy you dinner? V: Zero. Have a six pack? V: Zero. Have intelligence? V: Seven. Have a nice ass? V: Seven. Have a beautiful smile? V: Eight.

Have you ever had mutual attraction with a celebrity? V: Yes.

Do you receive interest even from women? V: Yes. Have you ever had a fling with a girl? V: Yes. How did it go? V: Good!

Do you get advances even from boys? D: It's happened.

Does it bother you if people think you're gay? D: Absolutely not.

Who hooks up the most? T: Depends on the moment. E: None. V: Ethan. D: Ethan.

Do you sleep together? V: All four, it's too much. D: Two by Two. T: It's happened. E: Me and Thomas sleep together when we have to split the group in two parts.

Do you support yourself by music or do you still get pocket money? D: I've able to support myself through music.

Has your family ever struggled to make ends meet? D: No, we are an average family.

Have you ever got a panic attack before a concert? E: No. T: Never. D: Not before a concert. V: Yes, it was awful. I tried to calm down and the guys helped me distract myself.

Have you ever been to a psychologist? T: No. E: No. V: Yes. D: Yes. How long? D: I'm still In therapy.

The most short tempered? D: Me. V: Me. E: Damiano. T: Sometimes me.

The most vain? E: Victoria at the beginning (of the band). T: All four. V: Damiano. D: I think myself.

And now do you always wear a mask? V: Yes, of course.

Will you vaccinate? All: Yes.

Source: X X X

[robustcornhusk]

curious if you have more Opinions on heel-to-toe drop. I've noticed that my ankle mobility is worse after wearing higher-drop shoes and this has me biased against them. but I also do not want to fuck up my everything

again, i'm speaking with all the authority of a 14-year-old who has tried weed like three times, and one of those times may have been oregano:

context: what's higher-drop for you? daily, running, or other athletic endeavors?

caveats/personal experience: i have usually worn 8mm drop shoes (or gone barefoot) for daily shit, 4mm-8mm for running. as far as i can tell, i'm not heelstriking even in the 8mm shoes (but people are notoriously bad at actually knowing what's going on there! possibly i heelstrike. too lazy to record it). i have fantastic ankle mobility in some directions (plantar flexion), and kinda meh in others (dorsiflexion), though not to the extent that it causes me a problem.

i have a bunch of injuries atm, but the pt i'm seeing thinks it looks like it's my hip mobility that's causing it (too much of it, uncontrolled).

some assorted considerations/thoughts/etc for high/low drop in running shoes in particular...

broadly speaking, with lower drops, forces on the foot and ankle get emphasized, and with higher drops, on the knees and hips. it's a spectrum. your everything is affected by every shoe. the forces have to go somewhere.

supposedly, when measured, the injury rate is more or less the same for all kinds of running shoes with respect to drop, it's just that people get injured in different places.

most current shoes are going to be 4mm-8mm. as i understand, just a few years ago, there were oodles at 12mm, but it's dwindled down, and now it's just like one brooks shoe and one mizuno? there's a few more at 10mm.

the current trend is high-stack shoes (let's say 30mm+), and high-stack doesn't play very nicely with high-drop (let's say 8mm+ but it's not a firm border). i'm not totally sure on the reason; it's to do with everything getting unstable when they're both high.

in the other direction, higher stack can encourage being fast, for (handwave) reasons?, so race-day & speed workout shoes sometimes stay up at 8mm. or 6mm. or whatever. track shoes have undefined stack but i guess if we tried to define it, it would be very, very high. (tbf track sprinters apparently have astoundingly high rates of injury-per-mile, but they put so much force into each of those miles.)

very very minimalist shoes (0-4mm drop, low stack like <15mm including the sock liner) exist. they can be kinda rough to run in. i used to run in them! i also ended up injured. they will work some foot muscles that get worked less in non-minimalist shoes, but to some degree it's kinda at the expense of getting better in a straightforward way at running. possibly the majority of these benefits can come from just walking in the minimalist shoes; also possibly the same/at least highly overlapping proprioceptive & and weird foot muscle benefits can come from trail running (uneven surfaces). on the bright side, they're fairly decent to lift in.

if you're running but only a little bit (pulled out of my ass: <<10 miles a week, <2 miles each, like as a warmup or whatever for something else), you can try whatever you want to try as long as it's comfortable. if you're running more than that, you can also do whatever you want, as long as it's comfortable, but probably fewer things will be comfortable.

"as long as it's comfortable" is really the important part there. like, this is the best, most-supported scientific shoe-picking-out process we have. if it's comfortable, then you're less likely to get injured (tendonitis etc).

idk if any of this was relevant or if i totally misread it. but. shoes! i can look up any of the relevant papers but i am being hassled atm by a cat.

[graylinesspam]

I’m still trying to define my asexuality for myself, and your posts have helped clear up that definition, I think. How did you come to defining your own? If you’re comfortable talking about it, no worries if not

Honestly, i am very uninterested in strict definitions. Instead of making things overly complicated by trying to define exactly what it means to me, I have oversimplified. Asexuality is non or very little sexual attraction.

I don't see the need for making it any more complicated than that because I generally don't bother to explain myself or my sexuality to other people. I do so on this website purely because I've seen a lot of my fellow ace people, such as yourself, struggling especially in the wake of the acephobic wave that hit tumblr a few years back.

If you want to know about my personal experience trying to figure out what the fuck sexual attraction even is. I'm gonna be real, idek.

I have never in my life seen another person's physical body and thought, "yeah, that arouses me. I'd like to have sex with them".

In all reality i think sex might be a fun activity in the way that like smoking weed is a fun activity. It's stimulating to the senses and the hormones within my body. But that's it. I came to the conclusion that I am ace in part because it is very hard for me to conceptualize sex.

I either find myself thinking of it selfishly as a way for my own orgasms to be achieved. Or conversely as a way to do that for someone else. I have to center one person as the focus of sex when i think about it. Either i am getting or they are. The idea of sex as an activity that two people are engaging in together for intimacy is foreign to me. It seems more like a service being performed. Which i have come to realize is a very cold and sterile way of viewing it.

Even in the most romantic way of viewing it i still see it as just another act of service. I might bring someone pleasure in the same way I might make them coffee before they wakeup. Or cook for them. Or run an errand. Or buy them a gift. It's showing affection but the way i view it seems to be surface level to the way that others do.

I say that I am neutral to the topic of sex because I honestly don't care about it half as much as everyone else seems to. It's just a tool.

And because i don't experience attraction to people i don't experience the tolerance to them and the side effects of sex that other people do. There are no rose colored glasses. I don't like excessive bodily fluids. spit and sexual fluid doesn't become less gross. genitals don't become less weird. the concept of sticking your genitals together for stimulation doesn't become less bizarre. Some allosexual people talk about experiences where they're "brought out of it" or "icked out" basically turned off and suddenly bothered by the sexual process. Well I am never turned on by my partner and therefore am always kinda there.

Which isn't to say I can't enjoy sex. it's just that engaging with another person has so many caveats, and stipulations, and downsides that i find myself very unmotivated to engage with it.

I don't like that sex drive really just means libido, because I have plenty of libido, but I have basically no drive to actually engage in sex. I want to cum. end of story. Everything that gets in the way of that is just a complication.

And of course I feel like such a douche whenever I think something like that. Because it legitimately sounds like dialogue from a narcissistic male lady harassing character in a 90s sitcom.

which is why generally I just avoid it all together. There is something more to sex that a lot of people are looking for, a kind of connection , intimacy, and validation that I cannot provide them.

Whatever it is, I don't have it.

(The tone of this is very frustrated, which honestly, with this topic, currently, I am. But i don't mean to be discouraging. Your experience can be and probably is different from mine. And if it's not...at least we're in this boat together.)

[angryschnauzer]

Over the course of the decade we've lived in our house we've had some interesting neighbours, some amusingly weird, some annoyingly weird, most quiet and considerate but not always.

We live in a British terrace house. This means our house is connected both sides to either neighbour, with the houses built in one long row. They're easy to build, economic on land space, and for the residents get the added bonus of only having two external sides and thus more economical to heat or cool. It does however come with the downsides you get living in a building with more than one residence in such as added noise through the walls.

The noise was an issue a few years ago when new renters moved in with yappy dogs that barked 24/7. Thankfully we are friends with the owner/landlord as for a while they lived in the house before moving overseas for work and leaving the technicalities of the rental with an agency. Over the span of the 10 years we've lived here we've had 8 different sets of neighbours in that one house where they only stay for 6 to 12 months because the house needs full refurbishment.

Roll onto Spring 2022. New neighbours time, this time its a middle aged couple with two late teen children. Parents dont seem around much but generally the house stays quiet.

Then the clouds of weed smoke appear. This isnt just normal weed, this is some of the most pungent, cloying, rancid smelling weed i've ever smelt. I'm a firm believer in what you do in your own house is completely your business, as long as it doesn't affect other people. So we had to rewash a few loads of laundry where they'd puffed out a few bong loads one afternoon. It happen a couple more times, somewhat annoying as one load was the kids school uniform and he couldnt exactly go to school stinking of weed.

Then the raging arguments started. I'm talking screaming matches at midnight, china being thrown, holes punches in the walls type screaming matches. It wad hard to tell who was arguing, but it was usually at least 3 of them if not all four. Fine, whatever, they're 3 months into this current let, our guesses are that they'll make it to 6 and move.

So this last weekend. Mum and Dad seem to have gone away for the weekend, leaving teens behind. Boy (approx 18), and girl (approx 16). Then the clouds of smoke appear, and this time they're hot boxing that house to the point it could be a bonfire. Music starts pumping so loud through the walls we have pictures fall off the wall our side. My mental alarm bell starts going off; teens, drugs, unsupervised = party.

No. No thank you. So i put a plan into place. On a side note we were recently burgled and had some garden furniture stolen. I still hadn't warned all our neighbours so i decided this was the perfect time to 'meet' my new teenage neighbours.

So pulling my big girl pants on and knock on their front door. No answer. I know the two teens are home as they skipped school/college as it was a Friday. Waiting for a gap in their playlist i take in the sunshine on their front doorstep before knocking at a brief moment of silence and i finally hear the door being unlatched.

Finally getting to meet in person the teens, i casually inform them that we were burgled recently, and 'at some point this weekend' the police will be round to take statements (lie 1) and to speak to our neighbours for witness statements (lie 2). You could see both their shoulders drop at the mention of the police. They introduce themselves to me and i get a better insight into their family. Boy is Mums kid, Girl is Dads kid, two divorced middle agers each with a child. Boy and girl are stepsiblings. I say goodbye, and what follows is 3 hours of smoke free silence. Its glorious.

Then the squeaks start.

You know when you start to hear humans rhythmically squeaking, a gap of 3 to 5 seconds between each noise you think... 'is that?'... 'are they?'... Curious i step outside, every single other neighbour is out at work. The noises are clear. Two people are fucking.

Surely not. C'mon, this is a storyline from p*rnhub. But sure a day its now very clear that the pothead steps are fucking.

So far they've spent the rest of the weekend either having very loud short bouts of sex, or have left the house, presumably to go smoke somewhere else.

I... well, that's a first on the weird neighbours.

[un2-verse]

BILLY — Kim Taehyung (1)

》 News of a Sadistic Serial Killer nicknamed “Jigsaw” is spreading around town like wildfire… the nickname stemming from the puzzle piece he cuts from every victim’s body. No one knows who he’ll trap next but in a town full of delinquents and criminals, it could never be you. Right? 《

pairings: john kramer!taehyung x female reader

warnings: dark themes, angst, yandere, murder, torture, self harm, suicide, stalking etc.... (will add more when i know lol) although it is rather innocent in the first couple chapters(?) so idk it could be slow burn but i guess we’ll find out as i write it >< ,, it’s my version of saw if saw was a fucked up love story lol. Please don’t read if any of the topics mentioned trigger you!! 18+

this fic is exactly that, fiction!!!! the au does not represent the characters mentioned irl......

synopsis: you end up lost on the other side of town, where you cross paths with a handsome stranger, kim taehyung, only.... are you a stranger to him?

[a/n: daffodils represent; love me, sympathy, desire and affection returned...]

word count: 3k

series masterlist

part two

——————————————————————————

Hiding behind a mask was something you were accustomed to. Your friend group and family were clueless to the torment you endured from simply existing. You were confident your masking had convinced the world you were happy with yourself. Unbeknown to you, one other person saw straight through your façade.

You wanted to end your life.

He needed you to cherish your life.

Nothing looked familiar. The café you frequented was nowhere to be found. Your usual hangout was most definitely not on the side of town you found yourself in. You felt anxiety slowly curl its way around your body, you were frigid. You tried and tried but couldn’t find it in yourself to run.

You lived in the more friendly part of town (so to speak) – where houses were colourful, gardens pristine, warm-hearted neighbours who would treat you like family and white picket fences are what surrounded you. That was your norm, sure, you weren’t exactly loaded but you weren’t exactly poor either. It was a healthy balance in the middle. That’s not to say you hadn’t lived or seen this side of town before.

Your Mother and Father had grown up on this side of the fence. Two young people brought up in the rougher, more unfortunate areas. Your Mother was tough; she looked like a naïve, weak girl, albeit that was not the case. She was strong willed, used to life on the streets and doing anything she could to get money to make sure there was at least some food on the table. While your Mum was the leader, your Dad was more of a sheep. He was easily influenced and was dragged into the wrong crowd (had his fair share with drugs and street racing). That was their life for a few years till they crossed paths and your Mum helped your Dad get back on the right track.

They didn’t tell you much about their childhood and adolescence but they told you enough to make you appreciate what you have and to always work hard for it. To stick with the right people, be wise and conscious of your decisions. Be kind to those around you.

Your family owned a garage; your Dad was the head mechanic. This was the sole reason you were here. You knew it wouldn’t be simple when you agreed to go to this side of town to get a few bits for your Father’s shop. However, you didn’t expect it to be this difficult. How could you be so stupid? Why didn’t you just ask Hoseok and Yoongi to come with you like your father told you to? Or at least tell them where you were… yet you decided today of all days to be stubborn and venture on yourself, knowing full well how unsafe the area was. There were rundown businesses on either side of the road, beggars at every doorstep; drug dealings happening in broad daylight, no one even trying to hide it.

You felt your phone buzz in your pocket, you took it out and sighed a breath of relief once you’d read the texts.

14:37— From Papa: U ok munchkin ??? Did u get the stuff ?

14:39— From Papa: its ok if u didnt. Yoongs rang said hes got majority this morning lol so be safe n get home soon . Love u

14:40— To Papa: ohhh ok pops, i couldn’t find the shop anyway lol i’ll head back soon, love u too x

*LOW BATTERY*

“Fuck, trust me to forget to charge the bastard.” You rolled your eyes as you stuffed the phone back in your pocket.

Muffled shouting was heard around you. People ran across the street, bumping into you as they ran past. You gathered yourself and moved further down the path. “Great!” you exasperated, “honestly I’m so fucking stupid! Yoongi’s gonna kill me for this, I knew, I knew I should’ve told him I was coming over here but no,” your head was hung low as you dragged your feet across the pavement, “maybe I could tell Hobi, he wouldn’t be as angry right? I’m sure he’ll come,“ A sudden scream ripped you out of your chuntering. You whipped your head to the right, you could make out some figures bustling about in front of you, a group of men were quite clearly fighting… your anxiety struck you and you held your breath as you saw a man pull a knife from the waistband of his sweatpants. All thoughts and common sense seemed to leave all at once. Statue like, feet stuck to the ground. You watched on as the group rushed towards the brown haired man, you scanned his figure: tall, broad, confident… he exuded an intimidating aura even when you were this far away from him.

How could someone be so sure of themselves? It was one against five, surely the loner had no chance?

The glistening of the knife brought you back to your senses. Fucking hell. How do you always end up in these situations when you’re alone? Why me? Why? Good Lord, I need to run. Just as you were about to leave, the group who were arguing charged past you; one gripped his side as another supported his weight. Holy fuck, did he stab him? you stood frozen, yet again, your mind raced a mile a minute. Panic bubbled in your chest.

“You okay there Doll?” His voice was deep, velvet-like. It flowed so smoothly you doubted it was real, it was so soothing like it had wrapped itself around you, embracing your body. You heard his footsteps before he planted himself beside you. His shoulder reached the top of your head, his hand brushed yours. Swallowing your nerves you dared a glance up. He was fucking breath-taking, like a fallen angel. The stranger shot you a small smile that you would’ve easily missed had you not been staring at his features… a blush crept up your neck as you nodded. His smile slowly twisted into a smirk.

Cute, Taehyung thought to himself. Couldn’t help but adore the way you slightly trembled under his gaze, the way your hands gripped and twisted your sweater paws. Almost like a puppy. He cleared his throat and reached his hand to yours, “Sorry, I should’ve introduced myself. I’m Taehyung.” you took his hand into yours, apprehensively you greeted him, “I’m Y/N.”

“Ah, Y/N. I haven’t seen you round here before, you new or something?” Taehyung cocked his head to the side, his eyes seemed to stare right through you.

“Uhm, I don’t live here. I live over the other part of Town… I was just grabbing some stuff for my Dad but, my phones about to die. I have no idea where I am or how to get home, I’m sorry, I promise I didn’t see anything!” a deep chuckle cut you off, Taehyung smiled and beckoned you to follow him.

“Come on Y/N, you’re not suited for this side of Town, I’ll walk you back. A pretty little thing like you, you’re easy prey to these guys.” your feet fell into a cautious pace behind him, he glanced over his shoulder, “hurry up Buttercup, I don’t bite.” Taehyung flashed a boxy grin in your direction, which caused you to speed up ever so slightly.

You were unsure how you felt about letting a complete stranger walk you home, Yoongi would definitely kill you for this. Especially with the recent news of some serial killer named ‘Jigsaw’, Yoongi and Hoseok had been very stern and their usual, overprotective selves when the news had broken out. “It’s on every headline Y/Nie! No more leaving the house on yourself, you need to go anywhere you ring either of us. Got it? Don’t talk to anyone you don’t know either. There’s some dodgy fucks about recently.” Although, you loved them dearly, sometimes their protectiveness was a...little overbearing. You already felt suffocated from your parents (you didn’t need it from your best friends as well). They were happy and believed you to be too; but that was exhausting, faking happiness. You had a constant façade, acted like a happy normal teenager with a happy family; when that was far from the truth.

Drowning. That’s how you’d explain the way you felt. Breathing was difficult and brought you more pain than it was worth. Growing up was tedious, you had grown differently to your peers which only brought ridicule and embarrassment for you. You had struggled with your speech (sometimes you still do), you often stuttered, mispronounced words, the list was endless. That was one of the first reasons you were a castaway. As you grew, the ridicule worsened. Verbal abuse turned physical from your classmates. They made you feel like you were a waste of space. The names they called you, you soon started to believe them. Ugly. Weird. Freak. Stupid. They took root in your brain, slowly they grew and grew till your head was overgrown with twisted, rotten weeds.

Eventually, you sought comfort in blood. You didn’t care that it hurt you; you were almost happy to feel pain. Like you deserved to.

By age 14, you had started to skip school. Only ever there for exams and a couple of art classes you had with Jeongguk. He was what you would’ve called a best friend, he supported you and was by your side till you left school. He went away to college and like always with school friends, you drifted apart. Nevertheless, he still texts you now and then to check in.

Although you were (once) close with Jeongguk. He never knew of your inner demons, the same with Yoongi and Hoseok. You didn’t want to feel like a burden and worry your friends when they had shit to worry about themselves.

Why devastate flowers that flourish beautifully with weeds that manage to twist their way around every crack?

You had walked for a few minutes now, having chatted absentmindedly about anything and everything. The roads still didn’t look familiar to you and you just wished they did, you didn’t want to be away from your home any longer, your feet were starting to ache, your phone was on 10% battery and it was fucking cold. You just wanted to be back in bed tucked up watching Lady and the Tramp or 101 Dalmatians for the millionth time. You felt safe and content when you indulged in your comfort films. Far away from the real world and wrapped up in the false reality. They easily distracted you and that's when you truly felt at peace. Your mind was always too busy thinking about how cute it was when Tramp calls Lady, Pidge or how in love Pongo and Perdy were.

Majority of the time you fantasised about having a love similar, but then again, why would you wanna make yourself vulnerable like that? Is the risk of being hurt (more than you are now) any good? Of course it’s not. Fuck that, life isn’t nothing like those shitty romance films or novels… It’s real and painful.

As you and Taehyung rounded the corner, a little cafe caught your eye, a dainty blue and pink building. Fairy Lights strung up around the windows, you could see a handful of people inside, busy sipping their drinks and chatting away to one another. ‘Aroma Mocha’ hung above the doors. It looked so cute and simple. Your previous thoughts left your mind as quick as they had come. You wanted to go inside, it had an enticing atmosphere.

Taehyung hadn’t realised you’d stopped walking until he couldn’t hear the soft thud of your footsteps behind him, he turned as he called out to you, your eyes still fixed on the cafe. He chuckled to himself, “Fucking adorable, like a kid at christmas,” he walked back over to you. “Hey Doll, you wanna go in?” He felt his heart quicken when you looked at him with those pretty eyes, “We’ve plenty of time to get you back before it’s dark angel.” You answered him with a nod as you turned your head from Taehyung to look back at the alluring little cafe.

Not a second had passed before Taehyung grabbed your hand and pulled you across the road to the entrance; you ignored the warmth of his hand as it intertwined with yours; you ignored the way your tummy erupted with butterflies. Taehyung had stopped to hold the door for you, you murmured a small, “thank you,” looking up at him, the heat that crept up your cheeks making your face resemble that of a doll’s he thought to himself. Once he ushered you fully inside, he placed his hand to rest on the curve of your waist as he guided you to the back corner of the room, where a quaint table for two was unoccupied, a little pot of Daffodils sat atop. How fitting...

Taehyung was quick to pull the chair out for you to take a seat, you pulled it in as you sat down and sent a shy smile his way, “I’m sorry, I know we just met Taehyung but this place is so fucking precious! I hope I’m not bothering you, if I am we can just carry on walking or, I could ring a Taxi? Is this weird? Oh god, I can’t believe--”, Taehyung threw his head back as he laughed, a sound that seemed to wrap its way around your soul, twisting around your heart in the nicest of ways, it was almost like a killer to the weeds taking over your body. A temporary release. You felt like you could really breathe in those short seconds of his laughter.

“Angel, if you were bothering me, I’d have kept on walking. That, or I would’ve called you a Taxi myself, it’s no problem honestly.” You ducked your head as he sent a wink your way, fuck sake Y/N get it together! Why are you acting like a fucking schoolgirl?

“Well I uh, appreciate it so, yeah thank you?” You don’t know what to do, you’re here with the most gorgeous person you’ve ever laid your eyes on… yet you have no clue if what you saw was real, did Taehyung stab someone? Could someone have had the knife who wasn’t Taehyung? Was he even the person you saw in that altercation? Did you imagine everything that had gone off?

Before you had chance to overthink it, a light bubbly voice greeted your ears, “Hi! Welcome to Aroma Mocha, I’m Jimin and I’ll be your server today. Is there anything I can get you?” Jimin held his gaze on you as he flashed you a friendly smile, Taehyung turned around at the sound of his best friend, “Oh, Tae! I wasn’t expecting to see you today, what are you doing here? And who’s this pretty little lady?”

“This is Y/Nie, she was in the neighbourhood so we thought we’d nip in for something to drink before I take her back to hers.” you sent a warm smile to Jimin which he gladly returned, “I’ll have my usual and can you get Y/Nie a Strawberry Iced Tea? Thanks man.”

Once Jimin had disappeared to make your drinks, you shot your eyes to Taehyung, “Uhm, how’d you know I like Strawberry Iced Tea?” Taehyung didn’t even look in your direction as he scrolled through his phone, eyes glued to the screen. A minute passed by and he’d still not acknowledged your question so you let it slide, it wasn’t that big of a deal right? Your mind drifted. Your fingers rested atop of your lap, hidden from the sight of onlookers, picking around your nails as anxiety flooded your body. You felt like you were about to suffocate. You shouldn’t be talking to anyone, you shouldn’t let anyone close. You were only going to fuck everything up in a heartbeat. It’s only natural. Self deprecating thoughts devoured and made their way through your veins, poisoning yourself further; your whole body felt as though it was alight.

Jimin brought you your drinks, placed them carefully in front of the pair of you as you both said your thanks.

The click of Taehyung’s phone being locked and the clearing of his throat brought you back to your senses. “The drink I ordered for you is popular here so, I assumed you’d like to try it. You wanna talk about what’s bothering you?” your eyes shot up to meet his, your head tilted a little to the left as your tongue wet your lip, so puppy like...

You stared incredulously, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Taehyung.” You leant forward slightly as you wrapped your lips around the straw and took a sip.

Taehyung saw the way you sucked your drink up through your straw, his eyes darkened. Thankful to have worn sweatpants that day, he shifted himself discreetly, “I’m not stupid Angel, I know what you’re doing under the table. I’m here, so talk to me. I’ll listen to whatever you gotta say.”

You stuttered as you wracked your brain for something to say, “I-I only met you like forty minutes ago, I don’t even tell my friends what’s wrong. Not that there is, everything’s fine.”

You met me just short of an hour ago, he thought to himself, “You don’t have to lie to me Y/Nie…” he grabbed your hands that were laid near the cup of your Iced Tea. His thumb rubbing circles onto the back of your hand. You looked small and fragile, like the Daffodils on the table; one little pluck and you’d be ruined. He wouldn’t admit it to you just yet but, Taehyung fucking loved how delicate you seemed as you sat across from him.

How easy it would be to take your life away. How easy it’d be to pull those weeds up that are poisoning you, torturing you every single day. He shook his head, as he cleared those thoughts. No, only Y/N can make that decision. I’m just going to help her choose.

Live or Die.

You visibly winced, “You don’t know me. Think whatever the fuck you want about me, it doesn’t matter.” your eyes flashed hurt as you went back to picking your skin. You knew it, this whole encounter was too good to be true. A complete stranger (well acquaintance technically) had just presumed shit about you, the fact he was right is what hurt more. You didn’t want anyone to know how you were feeling. Or how you were dealing with it.

You couldn’t exactly tell him to piss off, you still needed his help home and so you tried to distract yourself from the unsettling gaze that watched your every move. You let out a breath as Taehyung went back to his phone. Your eyes drifted as you picked up the local Newspaper, your eyes skimmed over the headline, ‘Jigsaw Traps Continue’. Taehyung noticed you staring at the front page, and chuckled, “you scared of Jigsaw Angel?”

You shook your head, why would you be scared of some nutjob who’s targeted criminals and drug dealers? You’re a nobody. “Of some psychopathic puppet?” if anyone did anything to you that would threaten your life, it would be you. Taehyung just laughed in return as you skipped the article and skim-read the other pointless stories.

You were fucking clueless as to who he was while he knew every little thing about you. He had watched you for months… His precious little Y/Nie… Oh how silly you were, taking your life for granted.

You hated yourself that much, you were willingly marking yourself up. Tainting your skin… oh your skin, how fucking beautiful and soft it looked, even with all the scars it still looked perfect… Taehyung wanted nothing more than to whisk you away and lock you inside with him. Forever. He didn’t want anyone touching what was his.

He knew you wore a mask when in public, too afraid to show your real self. Little did you know, he wore a mask himself...only he wore it to better other people.

He had a plan.

And you’d soon find out.

Let the games begin.

[thewingedwolf]

<long and rambling, I’m gonna add a cut when I get on a desktop next bc I don’t think I can do it on mobile>

Went to a pride party, absolutely fucking crashed and burned several times at socialization and I apologized to my friend for being Terrible At Parties and my friend goes “you really ARE bad at talking I can’t believe I never noticed it! That feels like this one is on me!” And honestly I think that was the first time anyone has ever taken responsibility for my anxiety and for some reason I do not understand at ALL it made me feel REALLY good about myself ya kno like it was the equivalent of taking your friend who you know damn well hates shellfish to a crab shack and not understand why they’re annoyed as they pick at their shitty ass salad. Like yeah man my anxiety is YOUR problem bro not mine.

Uh anyways so all that anxiety + anxiety from the event we had today - which went really well!!! I’m actually really happy with how it went! We put a lot of hard work into it and it really paid off! - and also generally my anxiety has been awful lately + the amount of pot I consumed at that party bro if I would have realized they were gonna be that free and loose with the weed I would have brought an ice pack, propped my leg up on a chair, and started smoking the moment I came in so I could have lasted longer!!!! = I have been like uh ~talking with a dude and I’m being very careful because Im actually Very careful on the internet, sometimes in weird ways, and I know there are ways I could be safer for sure, but I also think that while my anxiety has hindered my ability to date in a lot of ways, once or twice it has helped me realize that there was a red flag I missed not too far away and then I bailed and it was the RIGHT decision. This guy wasn’t talking down to me, we were sort of disagreeing about serious stuff so it was tense but we weren’t arguing, just discussing and finding we had different world views on something. And then I made a joke about how I just wanted them to raise the minimum wage bc my rent was expensive to lighten the mood up a bit, bc we had both been throwing jokes in every few minutes so it didn’t get too serious and then…then I looked at my phone and it said that he had deleted a chat he had sent, and then he sort of made some “this system is broken someone needs to fix it” and that’s FINE except we haven’t really discussed politics and I admit I’ve been a little mum in that regard bc he’s bisexual and we sort of really quickly bonded over the weirdness of being raised technically in yiur culture but unable to speak the language and that was interesting but also doesn’t mean anything like maybe he meant it in a commie sort of way since he’s told me he’s been really affected by COVID so maybe he, like a lot of people, found himself feeling more and more than this system is inherently broken beyond repair. Or MAYBE he meant it in a “you know I really think trump was onto something” sort of way and I’ve been staring at these messages wondering what the fuck they mean but let me reiterate, I have not looked at these messages ONCE without being bogged down with anxiety or high as a kite! He might not have been making an Anakin skywalker style “maybe dictators are good actually” type comment, you might, in fact, just have spent the last 20 hours in a bungled mess of anxiety and weed and pain.

Um anyways this program went really well and I think I’m gonna stay on to do it next year because I had sort of a good time, it reminded me why I like working in a library, but also, I’m so glad it’s over bc it was so much effort and I’m so anxious and tired all the time akskdkjd I don’t do anything but sleep and watch the same three episodes of a show bc I keep falling asleep, and then texting this dude at 4 am when I wake up bc I can’t sleep thru the night bc he keeps the WEIRDEST hours so I know he’ll be up and like ~flirting until I fall back asleep. That’s it. That’s been most of my life bc of this program the last few weeks. It’s not bad, but bro I would LOVE a CHANGE

In other news a pretty (straight) girl hugged me at work and I almost cried its been such a great pride already 🥲🥲🥲

[nohoney]

Do It For Me - 3.2

warnings: 18+, drug use, toxic relationships, polyamory, brief mention of assault

summary:

“He said he’d do anything for me.”

He leans forward, his forehead bumping against yours and his hand cupping your cheek. Your breaths intermingle in the small space between each other, your lips just a few precious centimeters away from Keigo’s. “Of course he would dove, you deserve so much. You’re just so… so fucking…”

3.1 ✧ 3.2 ✧ 3.3

Touya is better at checking up on you if you accompany him to a house party, Keigo keeping you company sometimes like tonight as you walked through the front doors. You take a quarter of the ecstasy Touya gave to you earlier and Keigo takes a half, just like the first night the two of you rolled together at a house party. More than likely he’s selling whatever he got in that case just last week. Touya always deals sober, he needs a clear mind when he goes out to these functions but he’s happy to see your little high-off-your-ass self enjoying your roll. The way you tousle your own hair when you vibe to a song, that look of wonder as you just stare off into space, and just how fucking adorable you are in general.

It’s not like you roll every single time you attend a house party, sometimes it’s just drinking or maybe a little bit of weed or a few lines of coke, but your eyes had zeroed in on a particular someone a few minutes after you walked through the doors so you decided that you just wanted to relax. It doesn’t necessarily make you anxious or afraid seeing this particular person but your communication was broken in an instant the last time you had seen them.

Your eyes glance at one another, much too quick for Touya or Keigo to notice, but eye contact is made.

Ecstasy should distract you right?

Well, it’s more like Keigo distracts you and the ecstasy just helps.

So Keigo mingles with the other partygoers while he keeps you close to his side, keeping an even conversation that would seem normal had you not been so touchy with him and him returning those affections without breaking eye contact with the people he speaks to in the moment. He gives light warnings when you get a little too handsy, and you swear that you’ll be good if he just gives you another kiss or feeds you another stick of gum or even tilt the water bottle towards your lips because you’re too lazy to do it yourself.

You get some weird looks at first but when they’re told that you’re rolling, it’s an immediate and knowing ‘ahh’ that comes from them. You don’t care about their looks or stares, Keigo’s got you safe and sound. But you do get some looks when Touya comes to your side for a brief break to check on you and you ask him for kisses also. When you’re lip locked with Touya and also switch off to Keigo, it causes some murmurs for the ones who bother to pay attention. Sure there have been lots of instances where three people are making out together or something to that effect, but they could all swear that ‘Didn’t Dabi just come out from one of the rooms with a girl?’

And it captures the attention of one individual in particular.

Touya has to return work, assuring you for just an extra minute longer before depositing you back to Keigo and with a simple order, “Be good.”

He walks away, you lean against Keigo again, complaining that you want to go outside because it’s too hot inside the house. But going outside serves another purpose because you know that Touya is busy talking and dealing and you need to have this conversation where you know he and a certain other person won’t overhear it. In the backyard there’s a game of king’s cup going on, a fire pit with a small circle of people nearby, and a little group of people that are smoking together. But you pull Keigo to the furthest part of the yard, a decent distance away from everyone. Sure you could have just stuck by the door and talked quietly enough but it wasn’t a risk you were willing to take because anyone could come out.

Keigo sits on the grass and pulls you to sit in his lap, making sure you’re comfortable and that you take a sip of water from the new bottle he just got.

“You got something on your mind dove?” he asks.

You nod your head and glance back towards the house briefly before looking back at him, just enough light for you to see how big his pupils are. You’ve got a better handle of yourself while on ecstasy but you’re not brave enough to take a whole by yourself just yet, still working up the nerve to at least take a half. Never mind about the ecstasy, you have to tell Keigo something. You take a few seconds to collect your courage and tell him, “My ex is here at the party, the most recent one.”

Golden eyes widen slightly in surprise. “Oh… does Touya know?”

You never talked about your ex in detail with Keigo, just a general overview of how things weren’t working out but that was it. Touya didn’t know all the details but he knew just enough, the relationship lasted almost a year and by the halfway mark things were starting go south between you and your ex. It worked out for you anyway because you didn’t want to talk about your ex in general, just enough to get it off your chest and let your boyfriend know. “Touya doesn’t know what Jun even looks like, he didn’t want to see a picture at all.”

“Yeah, that sure sounds like him. So how do you feel about Jun being here? How exactly did things end between you guys?”

It was great with Jun at first, meeting through a mutual friend and getting to know each other before making it official. You always understood giving your past partners space and time to do their own thing, everyone is entitled to their alone time. The issue was that further down the relationship, Jun could not and would not manage his time well with you and eventually just revealed altogether that he didn’t want to put the extra effort in anymore.

“We haven’t even dated for a year, why are you taking us so seriously?” he asked when he looked up from working on his car when you confronted him in his garage.

“I’m your girlfriend, there shouldn’t have to be a threshold for how serious our relationship should be based on the passage of time. Why are we even seeing each other if you don’t want to try to make it work?” you huffed and leaned against the wall of the garage and had crossed your arms. “What are we even doing?”

Jun had sighed and grabbed a rag to wipe the oil off his hands. “(Name), it’s not that I don’t want us to work, it’s that you are getting so hung up on some of the menial shit that it makes me not want to be with you as much. We hang out, we cook dinner or go out, and then I go do my thing. And all I hear from you is that we don’t talk enough or that I don’t separate enough time for you. You’re fucking yourself in the head and working yourself up.”

“You are not being good to me! You used to want to talk to me all the time and wanted to know what my free hours were so that you could be with me. Now it’s the bare minimum you give and you act like my feelings are an inconvenience to you!”

You and Jun had argued for a solid hour before you stormed off, it was the last sober conversation you had with him. You had gone out with friends to a club afterwards, drinking away your frustrations and wondering why you were with a guy who had consciously chosen to not put you first. It hurt way more than it should but only because you kept on sloshing shots back. You were getting shit faced, all the people dancing in the club and getting in your space, the strobe lights providing a certain atmosphere to your fucked up state of mind, and then Jun had shown up. He claimed that you had texted him to come but you were drunk as hell, pushing him off when he tried to pull you out of the club.

Instead you screamed at him, hands around his throat as you pushed him to the wall and told him that you wanted to kill him. He must have been high on something because the sober Jun wouldn’t have allowed such a thing, he had smiled and breathlessly laughed that he was all yours to kill. You kissed him, rum and tequila clouding your judgement, even though you called him an asshole, you ground yourself against his body. In your mind, all you could think that this was over and this would be the last time.

You woke up in his bed the next morning, looking at him for just a few minutes before getting dressed. His number was blocked and whatever belongings you kept that were his were sent back to him. He hadn’t bothered to seek you out after that one last fuck, it hurt a lot at the time that he didn’t even want to rectify the way things were left off. But you got over it eventually because you accepted that not all conflicts would have closure and you met Touya just a little over a year later.

“Wow, I’m sorry things ended that way dove. Sounds like he really didn’t deserve you though.” Keigo tells you, the slightest hint of anger in his eyes. Someone like you should be treasured but he can’t help but feel grateful that things didn’t work out because otherwise you wouldn’t be here right now with him, Touya would wholeheartedly agree. “You sure you’re okay being here with him in the same house?”

“Jun’s not a bad guy, he really isn’t. We just clearly weren’t on the same page and I was pushing for a relationship that showed pretty early on that we were on different wavelengths. I’ll be okay, I have you and Touya and that’s all that matters.” you tell Keigo as you peck his cheek, forgetting about the shadow of the breakup with Jun and tenderness pouring out instead. Even with the hiccups and arguments with Touya, he’s given you more than Jun ever did. “It’s just us, Jun doesn’t matter.”

Keigo couldn’t have said it better himself and he thinks it’s a good time to continue the roll, holding up the half of the tab to you. “I think you’re ready to take a half baby bird, you can handle it.”

The two of you pop the remains of your tablets, wash it down with water and then just a quick peck on the cheek. You sit outside the yard longer and just enjoy watching the outside activities from afar, the cheers and jeers when someone is forced to drink after fucking up their turn in the drinking game, different people go to hang around the fire pit and stoke the fire, two guys even came to chat with you and Keigo for a few minutes and they bid goodbye when its their time to leave the party.

You’re practically giddy with excitement as you see Touya approach you, taking another break from the party as he sits down with you and Keigo on the grass. You move to sit on his lap and tell him that you took a whole half of ecstasy, to which he just chuckles and tells you, “That’s my girl.”

“You guys ever think about what kind of super powers you would have? I already know what powers I think you guys would have.” you tell the boys as you trace the lines on Touya’s palm and look to them. You chew on the gum in your mouth for a few seconds before asking, “You guys wanna know?”

“Of course baby bird, tell us.” Keigo is massaging your calves, attentive as always while Touya has his free hand smoothing up and down your back. They really do spoil you a lot…

“Okay, so at first I thought Keigo’s super power would be like being really fast because, you know, Keigo likes to do a lot of stuff fast and makes it look so easy. But I started thinking that maybe it wasn’t completely right, like maybe some kind of thing that can be really fast. I don’t think Keigo would be a power type, like he’s not weak by any means but he would have more proficiency that makes his powers really impressive.” you lean against Touya and curl against his body. “I think that he’d look so cool with a big pair of wings on his back, like huge red wings with all these feathers that he can control at will, like being able to call them back individually and collectively. So like if you sent out too many feathers out you wouldn’t be able to fly unless you call them back. And I think if you had to choose your super hero name, it’d be Hawks.”

Keigo is amazed as he listens to you. “Wow (Name), sounds like you put some thought into mine but I actually kind of like that. What made you decide all that?”

“You like eating a lot of chicken, so an avian-like power just seemed really fitting.”

Touya laughs in mock at his friend, not even fighting back as Keigo punches him in the arm.

“She gave me bird wings! At least she didn’t give me a bird head!”

“I almost considered it.” you chime in.

“Dove… that’s not right.” Touya continues to laugh, trying to stifle it behind his hand and control himself. “Grr… well what did you think of for Touya?”

You look into Touya’s eyes for a few seconds before answering. “Touya’s was pretty obvious to me, I think he’d control fire. But not regular fire, he’d be able to summon really strong blue fire from his hands. It’d be like crazy destructive because blue flames are the hottest, something to do with them being a complete combustion as opposed to other types of flames that are incomplete combustions. But because blue flames are so hot, it’d be a crazy bad drawback to Touya’s body because he’d overheat and he probably wouldn’t be able to fight for long because he needs to cool down.”

“Oh? No ice power for me to counteract overheating?” Touya asks, actually invested in your choice of conversation.

“Nah, it didn’t really seem fitting for you. Plus that’d be like a cheat because that means you get two powers while Keigo only gets one.”

“I’m good enough to have two fucking powers. But mine is better than Keigo’s anyway, way fucking cooler than having wings.”

“What? You’d rather be able to start forest fires over flying? My power is way more awesome, I get to fly and control all my feathers!” Keigo boasts about the fake powers you thought he’d have while you were high out of your mind a few times. “I say my powers are way better, I think I’d win in a fight against your stupid blue fire.”

Touya clicks his tongue and lets you leave his lap as you go to lie down on the grass in between them, looking back and forth between your two favorite boys. It’s cute that they’re getting so caught up in the conversation and actually debating who’s powers would be cooler. It almost makes them seem like they’re kids in elementary school.

“Obviously I have more power compared to your stupid chicken wings. You heard her, you wouldn’t be a strength type.”

“But I would have proficiency so that means my techniques would be perfected over just brute force.”

“I’d like to see how fucking proficient you are with your little shit feathers when I would just burn them off you.”

You have a feeling this debate would have gone over for a while if a few guys from the party hadn’t started calling Touya over. So he leans down to give you a kiss, intending for it to be quick but you grab the collar of his shirt, making out with him for a few seconds before he pries your hand off his collar and stands up. You whine when he starts walking away but you have Keigo as always to take care of you. “Keigo, gum please.”

“Alright spit out the old one here.” he tells you as he holds out the palm of his hand. He’s unbothered as the chewed gum lands in his palm, just tossing it somewhere over his shoulder and feeding you a new stick. “Well that was fun while it lasted. I’d have to come up with some counterpoints if this ever comes up again.”

“Mm-hmm… was fun listening to you guys.” you nod your head, quiet for a few seconds before moving onto something else. “I thought Touya was going to tell me he loved me a few days ago.” Keigo looks down at you, his hand coming to your forehead and his thumb rubbing smoothly just right above your eyebrow. It’s a weirdly comforting sensation and you hum in content. “I’m not upset that he didn’t say it but I think he said something that comes pretty close to it for the time being.”

Keigo nods his head, having had plenty of conversations with Touya in private and watching him struggle to articulate what exactly he feels for you. It’s good to know that he’s slowly getting better at being emotionally available for you. “What did he say to you (Name)?”

“It’s not like something crazy romantic, like a soliloquy or monologue from Shakespearean plays or whatever. It was really simple and it’s just the way he said it… it just kind of stirred something inside of me.” you sit up to look Keigo in his eyes. “He said he’d do anything for me.”

He leans forward, his forehead bumping against yours and his hand cupping your cheek. Your breaths intermingle in the small space between each other, your lips just a few precious centimeters away from Keigo’s. “Of course he would dove, you deserve so much. You’re just so… so fucking…”

Between you and Keigo, you’ve breached the line of platonic when you had that first threesome. It borders on romantic at times with still a hint of platonic, a certain fondness that Touya isn’t capable of. You think you might be in love with the both of them but you’re unable to measure exactly the distance of that love still. You’ve said ‘I love you’s’ while rolling but that’s what ecstasy does to everyone, makes a person love everything and everyone rather loosely.

Keigo dominates you in the kiss, different than the sensual make outs you’ve engaged in before. Ecstasy is more associated with deep emotions and sensuality rather than just sexual desire. But goddamn he’s getting hard in his pants and he wants to fuck you so bad and if you were just his, he wouldn’t mind just taking you right there on the spot. But you were Touya’s first and his friend would never tolerate letting you be seen naked by other people, would probably break his arm if he found out he tried such a thing. “Wanna get fucked song bird?”

You dumbly nod your head and spit out the gum were you chewing, already stroking the outline of his cock through his pants.

So Keigo pulls you to your feet and you’re unable to grab the water bottle that was brought with you outside. You try to tell him as he drags you back inside the house but he’s moving fast, probably so that no one will have a chance to see his dick print. You whine as he stops suddenly and push onto his back, and you’re about to whine at Keigo but then you’re on the move again. There are a few people upstairs, just drinking and chilling, probably a couple or two hooking up behind closed doors. You’re not certain if this is an Airbnb or if it really is someone’s home but you don’t ask any questions when you’re pulled into a random bedroom.

Normally you’d be very against having sex in someone else’s bedroom, a bathroom or in a closet of a house is fine, but you’re not really thinking about the consideration of who’s bed this might belong to. Not while you’re getting undressed and desperate for Keigo to keep on kissing you as he pushed you on the bed, bent over it and ass out. You fists the sheets in your hands when you feel his mouth against your pussy and eating you out, you feel like you’re wetter than usual and you think it might be from the ecstasy, you never really thought about it the few times you had Touya fucked while rolling. You’ve had friends tell you that they’ve struggled to have sex while rolling but it’s never been a problem for you so far.

“Keigo… Kei, it’s so good.” you whimper as you reach behind and spread your ass cheeks for him. It encourages something new, Keigo’s tongue licking up from your pussy and circling the tip of his tongue against your asshole. Touya’s played with it and fucked your ass before but he’s never actually eaten your ass. So it’s definitely new as Keigo spits on your tight rim and licks you up and down. “Oh god…”

You can hear knocking on the door but your blissed out brain prevents you from being embarrassed about the position you’re in. Keigo can just tell whoever is on the other side to go away.

“Fucking hell, my horny little princess just wants to be stuffed so much. We just fucked last night and you wanna go again?”

“Touya…” You move to sit on the edge of the bed and open your arms to him. “How did you know we were here?”

Touya doesn’t hug you like you hoped he would, he just pushes you to lie back on the bed as he shrugs off his jacket and undoes his belt. “Keigo said you want to get fucked, stopped by me while you were on your way up here and told me to come by in five minutes so I’m here to do that.”

“Thought you were busy…”

“Oh? You don’t want me here?”

The thought of Touya leaving makes you sit up and whine petulantly. “No! No, I want you here! I want the both of you to fuck me!”

“That’s our little whore, always hungry for cock.”

You nod in enthusiastic agreement.

“Let’s make it quick, shouldn’t be in here too long.”

Keigo gets to go first, spreading your legs and making you lie on your back. Your pussy flutters around his cock, groaning when his hips are pressed against your ass. He holds your legs up, ankles in his hand as he starts fucking you. Everything feels so good ecstasy, especially sex as you’re swimming in a warm pool of orgasmic water. When you look up into his golden eyes, it almost makes him falter. He drops your legs and hovers his body over you, his arms braced just above your head as you share eye contact with one another. Everything feels heightened, the pleasure and the fondness for Keigo rises. “You feel good Kei…feel fucking good…”

His cock is bottoming out and you mewl even louder, body feeling feverish but you feel no urge to want to cool down. He talks so much about how pretty you are and that you’re such an angel, all sugar sweet and sentimental. “I wanna eat out this sweet cunt and fuck you until you don’t have anymore goddamn thoughts in your pretty little head.” he’s panting, looks like he won’t last much longer because shit it’s all so overwhelming. Keigo is all you can feel and all you want in this moment. His movements are desperate, pounding you so hard the bed creaks. “My pretty baby bird— fuck!”

You had reached up to his shoulders and dragged your nails down his back and it drives Keigo mad, his eyes briefly rolling to the back of his head but regaining his composure long enough to drive himself into you. You cum, of course you cum, but now you know what it’s like to get fucked by Keigo while rolling. His cock pulses as he finishes in you, thick ropes of semen stuffing you full. When he pulls out, it leaks out onto the bedsheets and you should be more mindful because this might be someone’s bed but you can’t bring yourself to care.

It’s Touya’s turn as he takes Keigo’s place and throws your legs over his shoulders to start brutally pounding you with an enthusiasm that matched Keigo’s but not the same sentimentality. He slides in easily thanks to the cum that was already stuffed in you and doesn’t waste any time. This fucking isn’t exactly kind, Touya isn’t rolling like how you are, but you’ll take any kind of fucking from him in this moment. There’s no sweet words from him, it’s all filth; “So goddamn horny all the damn time, I swear you could be a professional whore with how much you love getting dicked down. You just love being a fucking sex doll, you fucking live for getting your pussy stuffed with cum until it overflows out of you and even then you’ll beg for more!”

You want to scratch Touya’s back too, he loves the pain of your nails making him bleed, but he’s standing up right away from you. Even as you beg for him to come closer so that you can hold him, you can see that he has no intention of giving you what you want. So you have one hand playing with your tits and the other on your clit as Touya uses you shamelessly, wailing as he pummels his cock into you.

The music downstairs is loud but you wonder if you’re louder than it, maybe the people downstairs can hear you screaming how you love cock and that you’re cumming all over Touya’s cock.

He’s panting hard as reaches a hand forward and chokes you while he cums… hard. It’s surprising to see Touya with so little composure, he really must have enjoyed himself.

“Fucking hell, you realized how much you were cumming and what a slut you sounded like? I could barely— fucking hold myself together.” he pants, wiping sweat off his brow and kissing your ankle before setting your legs down. “Fuck… I need water.”

Lucky for you guys, the room you entered has an en suite so you can just drink straight from the faucet instead of wobbling downstairs to get a fresh bottle.

The boys are able to recuperate faster but you still need a few minutes so you tell them you’ll meet them downstairs. After a much needed potty break, you splash your face with cool water and then cup your palms together for it to pool in your hands, leaning down to sip from it. It’s refreshing, quenches your throat and cools you off a bit. Looking into the mirror, you see that your pupils are still as big as dinner plates and you smile at your own reflection. “Fun…”

Another drink of water from the faucet and you decide it’s time to exit the room, getting dressed and smoothing down your hair the best you can. When you open the door to leave, you’re taken aback to see your ex on the other side. He looks the same like the last time you saw him, though he gels his hair a little bit differently now. He looks unsteady on his feet, probably drunk, so you steady your hands on his shoulders and help him inside. “Jun…”

“Whoa… (Name), sorry I didn’t know you were in here. Was lookin’ for an empty room to take a nap…” he explains himself, leaning some of his weight against your body. You help him to sit at the computer chair by the desk in the room. “I can fin’ another room.”

“Ah no, I was just leaving. Just um… I wouldn’t go on the bed.” There’s an obvious wet spot on the bed from where you had cum, Keigo and Touya’s semen leaking out in globs out of your pussy before you cleaned up. “And maybe air out the room too.”

“Yeah, smells like your pussy, all sweet and sunshine. Makes me nostalgic.”

You don’t know what to say to that; clearly he knows that you just got fucked.

Sure you missed Jun at one point in your life, but since being with Touya he hasn’t really crossed your mind since. You look at him, thinking that there was a time that you really wanted to make it work with him but that feeling was long gone now. So you move to open the window for him to clear out smell of sex… and your pussy apparently. “Okay well… I’m gonna go downstairs. Have a good nap.”

“Hey, stay here for a little. Let’s talk.”

Even though you’re rolling, you know that’s not a good idea. “You look tired and my boyfriend is waiting downstairs.”

Jun looks at you, relaxing against the computer chair and undoing the top two buttons of his shirt. “You talking about Dabi? When I heard he got a main girl I was pretty surprised, he used to have a roster of bitches. Then I heard that it was you and I got even more surprised, didn’t think he’d be your type of guy.”

With a mere shrug of your shoulders, you just tell Jun that it’s been working out well between you and Touya, careful to not use his real name.

“Yeah? Things are good? You ever talk about me?” Jun asks as he taps his feet on the floor. “Or you busy getting double teamed with his friend Takami? Can’t talk if one of them is stuffing your mouth while the other plows you from behind.”

If you didn’t know Jun then you would be offended by his words, but that’s his mannerism of speaking when he’s drunk. So you take it in stride and evenly answer, “You came up a few times in the beginning, that’s it.”

Jun nods his head, swivels back and forth in the chair while his head lolls side to side. “You high or something? Got this weird look on your face I’ve never seen on you before.”

“I’m on ecstasy right now.”

“No shit, really? I thought you were all anti-drugs and all that? At least you were when I was seeing you, I guess Dabi turned you huh.”

You sigh and lean against the wall, fingers playing with the hem of your shirt. “I was against hard core drugs like meth or heroin or PCP… I still am against that kind of stuff. A little bit of ecstasy and coke every so often doesn’t hurt me. I’m not cracked out or popping tablets to the point my body can’t produce serotonin anymore.”

“Mm… I see. So you tried new things since the last time I saw you huh?” Jun sits straighter in the chair, leaning his elbow on the arm rest and resting his cheek in his palm. “Ecstasy, coke… threesomes.”

Jun looks at you, seems to be scrutinizing you under his gaze. “You’re not the only person to be hooking up on this floor. But when I was looking for a room to nap in, I passed by this one and I recognized your voice on the other side. Thought it was just you and Dabi at first but I could hear a third person in there and figured it was Takami ‘cause he’s the only person your man likes to hang around. I guess now that you tell me that you’re rolling, it makes sense why you were enjoying yourself so much. I’ve fucked on ecstasy before too, feels pretty fantastic.”

You stand a little straighter and look down at Jun. “Right… well you seriously look exhausted so I better-”

“I realized a couple months after you left why you broke up with me. I realized I was kind of fucked up when I was with you and you didn’t deserve it. You were nice back then, wanted to be with me so bad and I didn’t see it. Any guy who wanted to settle down, you would be the right person to do all that stuff with. You were like the girl next door, perfect to bring home to meet mom and dad. But the way you are now…” Jun stands up from the chair and saunters up to you. “You just looking to get stuffed with cock these days? You really a whore like Dabi said you were? You must be if you’re fucking him and Takami.”

“You’re drunk Jun, don’t say stuff that’s going to make things bad between us. This could be a chance for us to start over.” you press him, not wanting to get into this conversation. “We didn’t exactly leave on good terms so we can build something different now.”

“Different huh? Things sure are different now, you’ve got Dabi to do all your nagging to now right? Or maybe he’s fucked you into a mindless whore that only thinks about getting dicked down.”

You huff and clench your jaw harder than it’s already doing because of the drugs, glaring at your annoying ex boyfriend. “So what? You listened to Dabi’s dirty talk like a pervy little voyeur?” It’s hard to gather up your guts when you’re on ecstasy and honestly a little hard to concentrate but you definitely won’t let yourself be talked down like that and you won’t allow yourself to take this kind of abuse. “You’re a bitch.”

His hand goes for your throat and you’re thrown hard against the wall, stress on your windpipe making you gasp and fingernails dig into your neck. This takes you back to the break up when you did the exact same thing to him; the irony is definitely not lost on you. But even with Jun’s threatening hand around your throat you gasp out, “You’re a pussy.”

“This is kind of like how our break up happened except you’re the one against the wall. How does it feel to be choked on ecstasy? Feel good? Miss my hands?” he asks, liquor heavy on his breath. “You used to be so nice, you know that?”

You’re strangling me you asshole.

If only there was enough pressure lifted off your throat to tell him that, weakly grabbing at his wrist and trying to tug him off.

But it’s a very lucky thing for you that Touya likes to keep tabs on you because you recognize the sound of his boots approaching the door, wondering what’s taking you so damn long. If he sees Jun like this, he’ll for sure beat his ass or worse. Even though you hate him so much in this moment, you’d rather not put Jun or Touya through that kind of thing. So you wheeze out to him the best you can, “Let go… he’s coming…”

The door swings open as Jun takes his hand back and you lower your head down.

“The fuck’s taking you so long doll…” Touya’s voice drifts as he looks at Jun when he enters the room and even though you’re not looking at him, you can see in your imagination that he’s got suspicion in those turquoise blue eyes of his. “Friend of yours?”

What you remember about Jun is that he doesn’t have a lot of tact, that it’d be smarter in this situation to just say, ‘yes, we’re friends.’ After all, Touya doesn’t know his face so he could get away with that and just be on his way. But he’s such a smug shit when he tells Touya, “I’m her ex-boyfriend, Jun. The guy before you, you know? We were just catching up a little, right (Name)?”

“Mm…” you hum, going to Touya for a hug and hiding your face in his chest. Despite the apathetic expression he’s sporting, you can tell that he’s a little disgruntled with Jun already. “Yeah, just catching up. It’s hot in here…”

Touya pets the top of your head and tells you to go to downstairs, prepared to walk down with you but Jun stops him with a question. “Dabi right? Before you go, I was wondering if you happen to have any 2CB I can score? Or maybe another connect I could go to?”

You walk alone out of the room as Touya stays behind to do business with Jun. Keigo waits by the foot of the stairs and when your feet touch the ground floor, you hug him and tell him that you want a drink. “Okay dove, I saw them making another jungle juice so I’ll get you a cup.”

An hour passes and you’re surprised that Touya is going about his business and Jun is mingling with the set of friends he came to the party with. You figure that probably nothing happened despite your ex’s snarky introduction to your boyfriend. Keigo has you in his lap and you’ve been curled against his body since coming back from the room while Keigo is happily chatting with a fellow classmate from one of his lab’s. He’s got one hand around on your thigh and the other massaging the back of your back. It feels good but hurts a little at certain spots and you’re not sure why.

It’s getting close to three and the party is dwindling down, hyped up drinking has turned into chill sipping and the music plays mellow hiphop beats. Last you saw Jun he was standing in the kitchen when you went to go get more water, not sparing him any of your attention as he took a shot of whiskey and chased it with cola. Touya will be done soon, three in the morning is usually his cut off if he hasn’t taken anything to keep him awake.

“Alright you two, let’s get going.” Touya stifles a yawn as he walks up to you, nodding passively at a random party goer that greets him.

You stand up from Keigo’s lap and smooth down your shirt, frowning down at the wrinkles and thinking that you have to go through the trouble of ironing it. “My neck kinda hurts for some reason, I don’t know why.”

“Really? I’ve been massaging you but you haven’t said anything dove. Let me see…” Keigo stands behind you and plants his hands on your shoulders, pushing the pads of his thumbs up into the muscles at the back of your neck. “Is it here?”

“No… more like in the front?”

“(Name), lift your head up. Look at the ceiling for me.” Touya tells you, his voice sounding hard for some reason when it was just a little tired a few seconds ago.

You don’t know what they’re seeing when you look up but you hear a growl from Touya and a gasp from Keigo. “Jesus dude, did you have to choke her that hard?”

“I fucking didn’t.” Touya turns sharply on his heel and walks fast. Suddenly he’s a man on a mission and Keigo is after him and asking what had happened. You take your phone out of your pocket and use the front facing camera to see what they were talking about. You see what they were seeing; purple bruises around your neck in the shape of a handprint.

Jun is fucking dead.

[peaceoutofthepieces]

Okay, so I really want to attempt to give my opinion on this Eliott drama. Because I’ve seen a lot of strong opinions and none really match up to mine and I just want to throw in my two cents and look at it a slightly different way. I know that the spoilers are affecting everything, and I think that’s rather unfair, because I think they were blown out of proportion in the first place and that’s really stopping people from enjoying the season and looking it rationally.

Firstly, I don’t think Eliott lying about this is out of character. It seems incredibly in character, in fact. It makes so much sense to me. I do completely believe he’s doing it in an attempt to “protect” Lucas. Which yes, is stupid. People do stupid things, and lying is a main one of things. And once you start with a lie, it often spirals and grows and goes on longer than you thought. And so you just keep letting it go on. It gets harder and harder to explain and come out with the truth. And so you just keep it to yourself. It’s doing less harm that way. Eliott actually going to these things isn’t hurting Lucas but if he explains now that he hasn’t told him before because he doesn’t want him to worry, it would make him worry.

If you look at their minute by minute clip, or basically any of s3 (and s4) it’s clear why Eliott thinks Lucas would worry about him. These things are a bit illegal, right? Not conventional. A bit unusual. Probably not the safest (Otteli’s the one climbing to all the weird places, isn’t he?). It’s possible, really, that Eliott thinks Lucas would not only worry because of that, but because he might think it’s a result of a manic episode. That Lucas would draw it down to his bipolar. Lucas attempting to look out for him in this same clip with the weed and everything kind of supports this idea. Eliott loves Lucas for taking care of him, but he’s very aware of how aware Lucas is of his illness.

There’s also the fact that Lucille probably would have seen it as a manic episode. Lucas isn’t Lucille, and Eliott knows that, but that doesn’t change the fact he’d been in a relationship with Lucille for years and that it only ended about a year ago. Those kind of things become ingrained in you, and they’re hard to forget or shake off. Eliott is probably so so used to hiding things that his partner would take as a result of his illness. Lucille probably took so many things as a result of his illness. He told Lucas he would lie about things, even if it was just about taking his medication. Habits of communication are very hard to break or change. Eliott is probably trying. He’s getting better at it. But it’s something you have to learn and improve on constantly, and it makes sense that Eliott isn’t there yet. That doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do, but people don’t always do the right things. People do stupid things. Nobody’s perfect. It has nothing to do with how much Eliott loves or trusts Lucas. It’s about his own mentality and instincts that he needs to work on.

That’s another big point. I’ve seen a lot of posts saying that they’re tired of this miscommunication because that was what they worked through in s3. But s3 is Lucas’s season. It’s about Lucas learning to communicate, not Eliott. We’ve been told s6 is used to show some of Eliott’s story. It makes sense that they’re dealing with it now. It’s probably going to relate to the s6 storyline somehow. To Lola’s storyline. Skam is all about the parallels.

Considering Lola is the s6 main.

Eliott getting close to her makes sense. Eliott is happy to find out they’re “similar”. He approached Lola at the funeral when she was on her own maybe because he’s just kind, likely because it reminded him of himself. Set apart. A bit “weird”. He approached her at the urbex party because he’d met her and it had been an interesting first meeting (considering Lola’s speech) and he hadn’t seen her at any of them before. And he probably thought, “oh, do we have this in common too??” Eliott doesn’t have anyone like himself. He and Lucas love and know each other but Lucas isn’t like him. Meeting someone who has the same lonely vibe and the same interests is something different. It’s nice to have someone like that, that you have a sort of instinctive understanding with.

That’s what Eliott sees in Lola and why he finds it easy to talk to her. There are people that you meet that you have an easy connection with. Some people have a dozen people like that, some might only have one or two. Eliott is likely the latter. It doesn’t mean he and Lola are suddenly BFFs, or that he’s obsessed with her, or any weird stuff like that I’ve seen going around. They’ve interacted a few times and Eliott feels comfortable around him and is happy to see her. Why is that weird?? That makes me really happy.

I’ve seen things going around too about how it’s weird that Eliott would be befriending this odd group of friends and doesn’t have his own college friend group. And tbh y’all, I’m personally offended by it. I have one main college friend and then just people I talk to occasionally in class or on the train. I don’t meet up with any of them outside of college. There are tons of people in my course who still sit alone in class. He’s in his first year! He’s awkward, a bit shy, he’s not a people person! Some people really don’t have many friends!! The Skam girl/boy squads are actually really rare representations!!! Eliott and Lola are the most relatable in my view. It makes sense that they relate to each other.

That doesn’t mean Eliott is falling in love with her or she’s stealing him from Lucas or any damn thing like that. It means they’re both finding friendship that they likely crave.

The age gap of what, three years? does not make it any weirder. If you have a sibling or a cousin or something like that with a three year age difference can’t you have a really good bond with them?? I’ve seen people throwing around words like pervert and if that’s what you think, you don’t even know what that means. Don’t throw around things you haven’t bothered to learn anything about. Words hold weight.

I’m not defending Eliott, because honestly I think he’s being an idiot, but also, it’s something that I could see myself doing. The last thing we ever want is to hurt or be hurt by the people we love. We do stupid things all the time to try to stop that from happening. We miscommunicate.

That doesn’t make this bad writing. That doesn’t mean Eliott is out of character. Constant relationship drama and miscommunication is tiring, but it is realistic. It’s life. Life is tiring. This is consistent and meaningful, if you look at it the right way.

[cargopantsman]

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

Trigger warnings: All of them, because I am lazy. Also none of this is sensical.

Utter, hyper-caffeinated brain noise.

The problem with the concept of a "sense of self" is it already tries to concretize an amorphous abstract. It makes us want to point at some thing and say "Well... that's me." Whether it is a set of ideals that we try to live by, a set of activities that brings us a sense of joy or fulfillment, or, gods forbid, and entirely different and other person that "completes us."

I've always had an affinity for trickster figures and shapeshifters. The wearers of masks, the truthful liars, the artisans of duality, yada, yada. Since I was a child my first instinct has always been to blend in. If into the background, great, but if need be, if I needed to blend into the social fabric around me, I could do that too. To throw this into the high school backdrop; I wasn't a social butterfly, I was shy as could be, but I got along with the jocks, the goths, the nerds, the art freaks, the band kids, the preps, the whatever. Where ever I was I could fake that I belonged there. I was comfortable drifting in between worlds. (Looking back, I could have caused a lot more chaos with the information I was privy to at the time...[Oh, there's a constant point. I'm good at keeping secrets, keeping confidence. I'll lie my ass off to keep a secret.]) Does any of that really help drive a sense of self though? When your natural instinct is to mirror, to blend, to fade? When your point of pride is walking into a room unnoticed and, even better, leaving a party unseen? Does being a ghost count as an identity?

"Expression of Will" comes to mind... what does that mean? Ok, so some abstract thing is inside of you and you manifest it objectly outwardly. I was an artist. I made images in my head and "kind of" manifest them on paper. Some times people see that paper...  I was a writer... images in my head "became" words and some people saw that. I combined them into comics. Some people Saw that. Is that a lasting affect? Maybe the fights I've been into?! That time in 2nd grade someone was picking on a friend and I laid them out... the time in 8th grade someone was picking on me and clocked them down. Or in high school when someone decided to start some rumors and I held them up by their throat in the air until they turned blue? That was an inward thing that manifested outwardly. Nevermind good or bad, but was any of that... me?

Hmm. The beast. The primal... come back to that later.

"Expression of Will," "Expression of Will," "Expression of Will" ... What the fuck even is "Will"? Is this why philosophers get their heads so far up their ass? Is it a desire? The will to live.... living requires eating and the amount of times I forget to even do that... Maybe been looking at the phrase all wrong...

Will to Live (noun) It isn't a thing.

Will (verb) to (preposition) Live (verb)

Why does that sound better?

Desire to Live (noun)

Desire (verb) to (preposition) Live (verb)

Okay, that feels better even, but still... Sense of self, will, desire, expressions thereof. Are these just the aimless desires and wills? The fleeting flights of frivolous fancies festering forlornly in frontal cortices?

The self with the will can direct the desires towards living. "Get in the fucking robot Shinji!" "I don't wanna"

The (ghost) with the (strength) can direct the (impulses) towards (being). Getting too close to a concept of a soul on that one huh?

Forget self. It's a useless moniker right now. There is no self. It's just this mind alone for the first time in its entire life. (Not alone alone, there are friends, but they've learned more about me in the past two weeks than the past 6 years so...) "What did they learn?" asked the projection of self that defines itself by interactions with other.

I thought we were forgetting self.... not an option really. Sentience is a bitch like that. But they've learned I'll put up with a lot of bullshit under the guise of strength and integrity when I should've callously called this whole thing ages ago. That I can shut myself down completely in the interest of bodily-self preservation. (Not Self-self preservation, fuck the English language). What did I sacrifice? What did I shut down?

Everything.

That is less than helpful.

The Beast. Vince. Your Shadow.

My Shadow...

What do you desire?

Blood in the cut, tears in their eyes, power over someone that wants that power over them...

Do you want that? I don't want it, I just need it. No... I want it.

Is that all you are? A sadist? An animal?

Maybe... probably not though. A caretaker, and a sparring partner. A trickster and a shapeshifter. A crafter whose tools are destruction.

Next problem, grandeur. Mythologizing everything. But how to see a thing if you don't blow it up/magnify it?

You lack a sense of self because no one ever tested your sense of self. No one actually fought you for who you are. To find out who you are. The ex didn't. An old friend did until she got scared by what she found there.

You don't want to be yourself because it's not nice is it? You were raised to be nice.

College. I controlled the group. Never hit anyone after high school aside from set matches in classes or sparring for funsies. They all saw my eyes and stopped if they were getting out of hand.

The Dom-Friend.

Don't use the d-word on me.

Destroyer? Yeah, that one's fine. That one fits. He says as he carelessly tosses lit matches around his entire life. Can we bring up the phoenix or is that too grandiose? Why shouldn't it be grandiose? We spend every day of our lives going through the same kind of tedious bullshit all the time why not make our inner lives a bit bigger, a bit richer?

A bit darker.

Why do you want them to bleed? Hurt and comfort. That's a big theme, a trope if you will. Why not have both at the same? Why not let her think that I'm about to kill her but let her rest in the trust that I won't? Why not let me think that I'm about to break her while believing she is the most precious thing in the world?

Caretaker. A caretaker kills all the time. Tearing out weeds, uprooting the prized plant to move it to a better place for its growth.

Growth.

The self isn't going to be found just in ones self... not in another either. No, the self has to be found in everything. The things one wants to run to and run from. The soul (oops) is formed by what it crashes into right? The mind recoils from traumas races towards panaceas, why not, if one can, flip the polarity on the two. Bring the darkness screaming into the light so you can see it, bring the light quivering into the darkness so it can loose its terrifying brillance. Balance in all things right?

You're not a very positive person, they say. No... I'm not. It lashes out in bad ways sometimes, sure. Control, control, you must learn control. But being negative isn't bad. Not if you can grow from it. No plant can survive the sun for 24 hours. Trees sleep in the winter. We sleep, we heal, we grow.

Self-Destruction!! That's a fun one... seven fucking months downing a bottle of whisky a night. Whooo boy. Do Not Recommend.

Got a nice stay in the underworld though and trudged up a lot of shit. Now I'm sitting here with my ears ringing because I finally hit the personal limit on Monsters and my brain is overclocked enough I can finally see shit at 4 angles at the same time. I am a god damned quantum supercomputer of emotions right now.

Faith and faithlessness are the same thing. Have faith, trust the future, don't expect anything, don't plan your now for your future. Sounds sadly like live in the moment type bullshit, but life is weird and people are complex. Shifting drifting clueless animals that want to be safe but don't want to get stuck in anothers arms even when there is one whose arms are so safe.

The damage runs deep... and two people with damage running that deep. Hmm. How much healing can falling do? The other just puts a bandage over a puncture wound and both try to ignore it, but then the blood gets pumping, the heart pounds and poisons surge to the surface. It's neither one's fault really. Life is a trial of knives and we don't always have time or concern to tend the wounds properly. There's always something else that needs to be taken care of first.

Divorce is a helluva drug. It is maddening, the freedom to finally to be yourself is line having the lineart stripped off, there is a terrifying infinity in front of you and the only thing to do for awhile is melt. Let the slings and arrows just pierce and sink in. Anyone else tries to push the sludge of you into a shape might get hurt when they find the arrows. I want to go absolutely feral in a way. In a way the whole COVID mess is keeping me under lock and key so I'm just prowling around the empty house like I always have been, but now there's some sense... of purpose.

I'm raging against any depression, the executive dysfunction is going to have a talking to. The sense of self is going to be found in stripping this house down to bare walls and making a blank canvas. Bring everything down, ruin it all, start again.

My self is emptiness, it always has been. I can be anything, but I should be wary of ever wanting to be something. (My career options are AWESOME). But this is a different emptiness than before. Before I pulled the trigger and splattered the brains of the marriage across the floor I was just a void, and inky black pit of nothingness. Somehow, having the Shadow rise up and finally start getting along with the rest of me, the emptiness isn't.... void. It's just nascent possibility and that shouldn't scare me.

It does, of course, terrify me. First time in 40 years being legitimately alone is terrifying, should have done this kinda thing when I was 20, but... I was an idiot back then (60 year old me laughs from the future). But I think I can get a grip on the concept that "I" don't exist, but I'm real... ever changing ever dynamic, not who I was while I was married, but a mix of the me before, a angry beast now, and something yet unseen in the future.

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

Meeting and Dating Kevin Pickford

(Not my gif)(requested by anonymous)

(I love this pointless movie)

- You and Kevin meet after your friends convinced you to go to one of his parties. You could of made up ten different activities you’d rather do than go to a highschool keg party but your friends insisted and you soon found yourself packed into their car.

- Now you had had a little crush on Kevin for a while, ever since freshman year when you saw him for the first time, so even though you weren’t very excited to spend your night surrounded by your drunken peers you were a bit excited to maybe, hopefully see him.

- So you arrive at his house; let’s pretend this is another party that didn’t get shut down, and you walk through the front door to see the typical shit show. You stick by your friends for a while, nursing a beer and trying to convince yourself you’re having a good time. That is until your friends all but ditch you to go and mingle.

- Soon enough you’re all alone standing uncomfortably in the relatively abandoned kitchen. You’re debating the idea of just leaving, walking home didn’t seem all to bad given the circumstances, but just as you feel like you’ve made up your mind...in walks the host. You felt like your heart was going to jump out of your chest when you saw him, you stared down at your cup hoping he would just sort of ignore you as he rummaged for whatever it was he was looking for.

“How ya doin?” Shit.

- It seemed like he was just trying to be friendly so you gave him as much of a smile as you could muster and a small “fine” before glancing down at your drink again. From your experience this was usually when the person would just nod and walk out but he didn’t. He gathered the stuff he had came in for but paused at the counter.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you around before... whats your name?”

- I think you’d have to be a year younger than him because if you were in his grade prior to this he would have asked you out or at least spoken to you before. So you’re a sophomore going into junior year and he’s a junior going into senior year.

“Oh you wouldn’t really know me, I’m a sophomore. My friends brought me, I’m y/n.”

“Oh cool man cool. I’m Kevin.”

“Yeah, I-uh, I know,” you chuckled a little. “Nice party.”

- He smiled and was about to say something before he was called back to the party by a loud shout. “Well I’m gonna go deliver the necess-it-ies. You should come out, join the living, raise a little hell.” And then he was once again lost in the sea of people flooding his living room.

- After he was gone you freaked out for a hot minute over the fact that you had just talked to your longtime crush. You decided that maybe you could stomach a little more of the party and took a deep breath before wandering out of the kitchen. It was maybe thirty minutes later that the two of you found each other again and started up a mini conversation.

- Soon enough the two of you were heading up to his bedroom so that you could actually hear each other speak. You spent a surprisingly long time just talking to each other while the party went on downstairs; it was four in the morning by the time you checked the clock again.

- You figured it was time for you to go home, so you stood up and began to say goodbye before he tried to convince you to stay a little longer. It’s nearly impossible to deny him, it’s pretty much been your dream for this exact scenario to happen. You promise to stay for another hour, which turns into another hour, and finally you really need to go so that you can avoid meeting your parents at the front door. He asks for your number and you write it down for him before you leave.

- You end up walking home in the rising sun which almost feels like the perfect way to end the night.

- He calls you a few days later asking if you’d want to come over which you obviously agree to. You get together, chat some more, listen to music, all that fun teenager shit. But then he leans over and kisses you, pulling away with that gorgeous smile of his and, well, you’re walking on clouds for the rest of the day.

- Later on you kiss some more and he gives you a “so does this mean you’ll be my girlfriend from now on, cause I think I’d like that, a lot”.

- Listen most of your dates are more or less just the two of you hanging out not really doing much besides enjoying each other’s company.

- But he does take you to a drive in restaurant for dinner so you can count that as your first “official” date. He wanted to “give a good first impression for your relationship”.

- You’re together like 90% of the time. The both of you are kind of clingy with each other and neither of you seem to mind.

- Whenever you’re together he always has some form of physical contact with you at all times.

- Sitting on his lap.

- He loves PDA but it’s mostly because he just loves affection in general.

- He’s a big baby who likes being cuddled and that’s a fact. He lowkey loves being the little spoon but it genuinely doesnt matter to him how you cuddle as long as you do it.

- Keeps tabs on you whenever you go out together. He usually stays close by or at least knows where you’re going to be, he likes to make sure you’re alright.

- You definitely have little routines together whether it be when his parents almost catch him smoking or cleaning up after a party or just when coming home from school.

- Helping to make sure his parents don’t catch him smoking in his room. You’re usually sent out to distract them or you clear things up while he talks with them.

- He’s so interested in your talents and hobbies, show him what you’re passionate about baby! He wants to know!

- Always being offered free booze or weed.

- Awkward first introductions to his friends when they crash one of your hangouts to try and buy some herb.

- Being invited to all of his and his friends parties.

- Helping him plan his parties.

- Helping him with all his antics.

- He’s always fiddling with something whenever you’re together so be prepared to see him doing something at any given moment in the corner of your eye.

- Making out, he could kiss for hours.

- Always having shotgun reserved for you.

- Laying on the hood of his car together and talking about random shit.

- Trying to hide your laughter while you listen to his weird weed fueled theories and stories.

- He shows off everything you make or do, he’s a subtle cheerleader.

- You spend most of your time in his room, sitting in his egg chair or on the windowseat while he smokes a joint.

- You’re constantly on the same wavelength.

 “Thats what I was gonna say!!”

- Braiding and running your fingers through his hair.

- He plays with your hair as well, twirling strands between his fingers and stroking it when you’re cuddling.

- He’s honestly so adorable and absolutely smitten with you. All his friends can tell he’s whipped but he doesn’t care.

- He thinks it’s so cute that you had a crush on him, well that’s if you ever admit it to him.

- Hand holding especially whenever you’re walking together.

- Staying up till dawn together.

- Making flower crowns together, dont deny it he’d do it. 

- His parents love you and are always really sweet, his mother is an absolute angel.

- He isnt going to force you to smoke with him but he does need you to accept that hes not stopping just because you dont want to. He’ll agree to not smoke around you because thats fair enough but he’ll still do it with his friends or on his own. I can assume you’re alright with that if you want a relationship with him.

- Kevins pretty chill so there’s rarely any fighting and the fighting you do have are more so just arguments rather than actual fullblown fights. They’re usually over a dangerous idea or stupid action he had/did. These arguments usually end with him realizing and admitting you’re right or saying how he can see why you’d think that. He gets it even if he doesnt think its as big of a deal as you do.

- Kevin is a moderately jealous person, he doesnt think every man you talk to is a threat to your relationship. He’s pretty calm, which is what you’d expect from a stoner, he more so just smirks at the guy he knows is flirting with you and shows that you’re his with an arm around your shoulder and/or a kiss. He never dwells on it or let’s it ruin your night. 

- He’s a very loyal boy, no cheating, no flirting with other girls. You’re the only girl he has eyes for.

- Swapping clothes and accessories.

- You share pretty much everything; food, drinks, homework, joints, a single braincell. 

- Going to the emporium and playing fooseball and pool together or jokingly cheering him on while he plays someone else.

- A lot of nicknames; he definitely calls you flowerchild and other very 70s sounding ones. 

- Having a lot of Polaroids together.

- Concert dates.

- Record store dates.

- Late night hangouts.

- Going on random trips to different stores to get food or drinks.

- Well if you’re becoming a junior then you’ll have a year in highschool without him in the near future. He doesn’t really mind waiting for you to graduate so that you can advance your relationship but it will bother him when he isn’t able to see you for more than six hours, five days a weeks

- Probably proposes to you in bed, late at night with a “how would you like to be a Mrs. Pickford?” while he spins the ring between his fingers.

[mercyxkilling]

memory meme

@emptyvictory asked: ☽ - a memory of their father 

it was getting dark, the sky painted with the brilliant oranges and pinks, slowly fading into purples as the waning sunlight began to disappear and make way for the night. it was fairly clear with little cloud cover, and the air was warm without being stifling. it should have been a perfect evening. 

but mercy couldn’t enjoy any of it. she was restless, anxious, and wanted to be anywhere but home. her mother would still be awake, probably drunk by now, and if she walked through the front door mercy knew that miserable bitch would start in on her. it would escalate and she’d end the night in her room, throat raw from screaming with tears streaming down her face. it was pathetic really. no matter how much she tried to steel herself from that woman and her verbal and physical onslaughts mercy never could seem to find the right kind of armor to wear into battle.  it was a shame it was so late; she’d have gone to benny’s house to hang out if she could. there were times that she’d stay over, the two of them awkwardly sharing a bed because they both refused to sleep on the floor, pretending as if the circumstances that drove her there weren’t so dire and awful. and no matter how sad and vulnerable she might have felt, benny never once tried to use that as a foothold to get into her pants. instead he was supportive and respectful, though mercy knew she was toeing a line each time she’d crawl under the covers and ask to be held. there was nothing romantic about it to her, it was only a reassurance that she was capable of being cared for by another human being, but... well. she wasn’t stupid, either. maybe it was better she couldn’t head over there now. there were boundaries she wanted to keep in place and she refused to let their friendship to be breached because she was sending all the wrong signals.

so instead she found herself out in the garage and under the hood of the nova, trying to figure out what needed to be replaced or repaired so she could finally get it up and running. it had sat out on some lot in the midst of weeds and decay and the moment she laid her eyes on it she knew that this was going to be her dream car. most might have thought her odd to have such a fascination with vehicles, but her dad encouraged her and told her she could damn well like whatever she wanted to, and that was good enough for her. his word was law. he was a cop after all.

the sound of a car pulling up into the driveway made her turn to look over her shoulder. speak of the devil. when he got out and thumped the car door shut with his hip, she noticed that he had two cups in each hand, and mercy lifted a brow and cocked her head in confusion. why did he need two coffees? and at this time of night?

“hey, kid i kinda figured you’d still be up, so i got you somethin’. coffee?” he lifted his left hand, then said, “or tea?” and lifted the other.

“uhh. tea?” 

after all, she couldn’t imagine her dad ever drinking tea even once in his life. it just didn’t suit him and his gruff demeanor.

“wrong. it’s coffee. they’re both coffee. take it.”

“ugh. daaaad,” she groaned, but still couldn’t help but grin, especially when her father looked so damn pleased with himself and his terrible jokes.

“all right, all right. i’m sorry. now. since you’re out here,” he grunted as he sank down in a nearby lawn chair that they’d had set up ages ago for nights like this. “i assume your mom’s lost in the sauce tonight and you’re tryin’ to ride it out?”

“mmhmm,” she nodded as she sat in the chair next to him, both of them staring ahead at the rusty old nova rather than each other. but mercy was thankful that her dad talked to her this way. something about it made it easier.

“i’m sorry, kid. how’re you holdin’ up?”

“all right, i guess. just tired.”

“hi, tired. i’m dad.”

“oh my god, if you keep doing this i’ll never talk to you again, dad, i swear.”

he laughed and reached out to affectionately pat her on the shoulder. he wasn’t very big on hugs, but at least he made an attempt to let his daughter know that he loved her, regardless of how bad he was at doing it.

“okay, okay. i’m done now. for real this time.” the man cradled the coffee cup in his hands for a moment, then brought it to his lips to take a swig. he grimaced, then spoke again. “terrible stuff. you should try it.”

“i’ve never understood that. why would i drink it now after you just told me it was gross?”

“because i want ya to see how bad it is for yourself.”

“no. that’s stupid.”

“yeah, i guess that’s fair.”

and then they were quiet. it was easy to talk about things on the surface, the superficial and unimportant garbage that surrounded them each day, but... it wasn’t quite so easy to tackle the deeper issues. neither of them knew how to handle emotions, either experiencing them or helping another through them, though it didn’t mean that either of them didn’t want to. it was just starting the conversation that was particularly hard, at least for mercy.

she set the cup down on the concrete floor of the garage and started tugging on a stray dark curl. then her knee started to bounce and she moved on to biting at her fingernails.

“hey, hey, hey. stop that. talk to me. what’s on your mind?”

she didn’t know what to say or how to say it, so mercy just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“dad. do you think i’m weird?”

“definitely.”

“no, dad--that’s not--i meant--”

“mercy. of course you’re weird. but i don’t mean that in a bad way. in fact, i think it’s what makes ya goddamn amazin’. when you’re a kid the world tells ya that ya hafta fit in with everyone else. that bein’ different is bad and makes ya a monster or somethin’. but when ya get old the world says, ‘fuck ya, individualism is the way to go,’ and then ya realize... no matter how much ya don’t want it, you’re just as average as everyone else. but you, kid. you,” he reached out and grabbed her hand to pull it away from her mouth, partly to stop her from gnawing what was left of her fingernails off and partly because he just wanted to be supportive. “you got somethin’ special about ya. and i’m so damn proud of ya for knowin’ who ya are this early in life. not a lot of people get that luxury.”

“but mom said--”

“fuck. her. mercy... ya know you can’t believe a goddamn word that comes out of that woman’s mouth. she’s a fuckin’ snake and wants to cut ya down because she’s threatened by ya. that fire that drives ya forward no matter what happens, to keep pushin’ through... she’s jealous of that. scared of it even.” 

mercy turned to look at her father askance, hiding behind her thick tresses so he wouldn’t try to conceal anything from her if he knew she was watching. despite all that caustic bite to his tone she could see in his eyes that there was a profound sadness there, and perhaps even a bit of loneliness, too. he had to have loved her once. and she might have been a different person then, someone who wasn’t a cold-hearted bitch capable of destroying others without a second thought. he must have been in so much pain, but he never talked to her about any of it. who was going to be there for him to lean on when he needed it?

mercy opened her mouth to speak, but her father started talking again before she could say anything at all.

“listen to me, kid. ya owe her nothin’. ya hear me? absolutely nothin’. and i know how much ya wanna hang on to the idea that she could change, and i know ya’ve tried to make her proud, but... there’s no pleasin’ that woman. and it doesn’t matter anyway. the one person that ya hafta live with for the rest of yer life is you. not me, not yer brother, not yer mom, not benny... it’s you, kid. so ya need to focus on makin’ yaself happy before anything else. i don’t want ya chasin’ after yer mother’s approval when ya could be spendin’ time makin’ yer mark on the world. and my god, mercy, i know yer gonna change things and leave the world in better shape than ya found it.”

she couldn’t stop the tears that were streaming down her face, but they were happy tears. how long had it been since she could say she’d cried because she felt such warmth, affection, and genuine fucking happiness? her dad had never opened up like this to her before, but she was glad that he did tonight. mercy needed to hear all of that, to know that he believed in her. as long as she had her dad in her corner she knew she could do anything.

“thanks, dad.”

“any time, weirdo.”

“you’re such a dick.” 

but she still laughed as she playfully punched him in the arm.

“that is very true. now. while i’m here and we’re both still up...let’s take a look at that engine. i think the camshafts might need replaced. whaddya think?”

that was very much like her dad, to deflect once things got too heavy or emotional to deal with. but mercy was actually pretty thankful for it since she didn’t want to sit in silence bawling her eyes out next to him. she’d rather do something with more purpose. so with that she got to her feet and made her way over to the nova to look under her hood again.

“you’re probably right. crankshafts look all right, though...”

and for a good long while they worked together, dissecting the engine and deciding what needed fixed or replaced, so they could make a list of parts to get in the morning. because that’s what you did when things were broken. you swapped out what didn’t work for the things that did, and you just kept moving forward. 

and now she had the extra incentive to do just that.

[seaswalllow]

okay, so. incoming observations about the inaccessibility of healthcare, how it affects providers, and how it affects clients.

i'll put the rest below the cut because it got long. please keep in mind there are warnings for brief discussion of patient neglect.

this is not meant to be much more than a series of observations. this was spurred by a comment i read from twitter abt the inaccessibility of the healthcare field from the provider side encouraging rampant ableism; which i vehemently agree with.

so basically: healthcare? nightmare field to be involved with. the programs themselves are incredibly grueling, and even programs with good graduation rates see incredibly low rates; for a personal example, i knew a class that had started out with ~40 people. about five people graduated. now granted: this was an accelerated, two-year nursing program, and this does not consider people who wound up simply graduating a semester or two later. but: 5/40 people made it to the two year mark and graduated.

and like. this speaks to how fucking breakneck the speed is. all-nighters are common; even bragged about. college students with part time jobs are barely hanging on; if you've got a family? nd? disabled? working full-time with other concerns? you are Fucked, plainly speaking. so already you've got a disadvantage at who has the time and resources to even compete in these incredibly ruthless fields.

you're cutting down on the potential pool of candidates and nursing + the medical industry is already a field that Needs to hire more. and like: if you argue with me that "oh it's to weed out those not fit for the field" i will get to that issue. i will get to it. because holy god no i swear to god you can be competent it's just we have very unhealthy standards and the work environment is unnecessarily hostile which actually makes it WORSE for the patients

because the patients. dear gods the patients. holy god do they get the short end of the stick.

they face bias from their providers on every front: both the providers being hella overworked and the providers still lacking sensitivity to identify cultural like. differences. (yes, most nursing colleges probably have diversity training. there's something to be said about the rn makeup being so uniform that the training still doesn't catch the nuances. if you are white, oftentimes middleclass- which 80% of the nursing base is- you will still miss the more nuanced results of cultural upbringing. eg. pain tolerance, patient to provider communication, etc)

and even without the bias of being mostly treated by able-bodied, nt white ppl; the nurses are ridiculously overworked. 14 hour shifts, i've seen more happen. very high patient to provider load. i have seen patients that go without being bathed or cared for for days. i have seen (and heard of) overworked nurses attempting to help fill the roles of their peers, at the cost of the safety of their patients, or mismanaging medication completely on accident. i have seen patients miss meals because their presiding nurse or cna has been helping elsewhere.

this isn't to roast them for that, although i do recognize their culpability here and that nothing excuses patient neglect. this is to point out that the unnecessary "hustle culture" weeds out people who would've been a wonderful, wonderful asset to the field and damages not just the nurses but the patients!! because now there are less nurses to provide their input and assistance to the field, there are more patients, and everybody suffers in the end; especially the patients whom this entire healthcare model should be based around in the first place.

it's so weird. this healthcare model should be based around ensuring that patients get the best, individualized healthcare and yet they suffer the most because of this.

tldr the medical field is wholly inaccessible except to a very specific subsection and altho it's slowly slowly getting better it's not getting better quick enough and both providers and patients but especially patients suffer for it due to RAMPANT understaffing as a result of this

(yes, i know that it's so much more complicated than "hustle culture" but i was speaking towards a specific aspect that worsened patient care)

[spitandfroth]

My Psychedelic Journey

Why take mushrooms? 

What do they do to you? 

I want to explain why I take them, my reasoning is not for everyone if anyone else at all! We all have our reasons. 

So, Since being 16 i have taken drugs, started on pills, then coke and onwards. I had a coke & speed addiction for a 2-3 year period and often relapsing. I had consciously not taken psychedelics as i have known I've been mentally ill since being 20 and being diagnosed and given Prozac at that age. I was wary that i would have bad trips or i would be stuck on a trip. I just felt the risks were too high, especially taking medication and all the other drugs. Pretty sure i took LSD one night at a party was these green things and i was off my nut, i was in a different reality and i was quite honestly scared. i went skinny dipping in November at Great Yarmouth beach! So yeah it was a weird thing to happen and to this day can't remember what these pills/little plastic-looking things were or what i did with them, literally can't remember if it was paper or a pill. they were just in a bowl with all the other drugs. 

I digress, several years later, I’d been clean maybe 1-2 years of all substances including weed, well maybe the odd joint but we moved somewhere we couldn't find a supplier! So we would have to make a 2-hour drive down to manchester just to pick up but eventually decided it wasn't worth the money in fuel. We were also skint which didn't help matters. We eventually found a supplier of weed and met new people who like us, liked drugs. We started sessioning on anything and everything. Mainly research chemicals as they were cheap and plentiful. m-kat hadn’t be criminalised at that point so we were importing large amounts of it. My friend, Xander decided to start making his own drugs. We were all sceptical about it but we trusted him. He made LSE(?) which is pretty much LSD but i think weaker, that trip was a nightmare as i spoke to my boyfriend just before the trip and i hadn't hung up and he heard me slagging him off...Anyway, moving on lol He made DMT one day, took ages. We had enough for the 3 of us who wanted to do it and my god, it's a short trip but it changed my way of thinking forever. I may revisit the DMT experience later. We did DMT a fair few times before i abruptly moved out as i ended the relationship with my boyfriend. 

Now i did some research online, it wasn't as fruitful in results as it is today, we are talking 10 or so years ago. So came across mushrooms and some scant info on where to find them and how to take them. I went for a walk with the dogs, we lived in the middle of nowhere, 1500 ft above sea level (lived on top of hartside) and by a river and lots of sheep. Anyway, i started looking in sheep fields and soon realised that the fields were full of them! I would collect enough for a few doses at a time and dry as much as possible. I was taking shrooms 3-4 times a week including at times DMT. 

So we’ve got to where i am taking them, i best explain why and what the effects were. 

To be honest i took it as an escape. My relationship was a nightmare, he made me feel like death was my only escape. I had spoken to friends who had used psychedelics and they thought it might help me feel better. I had started being in pain a lot too at that point but not medicated for it. I was still taking meds but when planning i stopped taking them the day before. As Psilocybin is affected by SNRI’s. That applies to most drugs though tbh. it gives you a very high tolerance, you have to take more to feel it. Which could result in serotonin syndrome. 

I wanted to search deeper inside myself, i had been interested in Buddhism and Krishna consciousness for maybe a year at that point and i saw it as a way of speaking to god. to confirm to myself that he existed. What i got was a revelation. 

So using it so regularly means i can't remember each trip but i can give you what i learned and saw from those experiences. 

I would take maybe 10g (its rough but 6 cup teapot with a handful of shrooms in) of fresh shrooms in tea. Tasted rank but get it down you! Then wait, and it is a waiting game!  

I would sit cross-legged, often by the log burner, just close my eyes, listen to music and i would feel calm. A completely blissed feeling. An inner peace. I could see patterns and colours, swirling great vortex’s of colours and light. If i opened my eyes the patterns and colours overlayed the room and i would just forget i was in the room. I would see parts of my past, like showing me it wasn't my fault, that i should let go of trauma. I saw my present and it was like looking at my brain, black, covered in clouds and dying. If i touched it then there was a flash of colour. I saw the energy of the universe in front of me, glowing and pulsating in front of me, my heart beating with it, a feeling of supreme power came over me like i had been recharged. I was seeing my future, i saw the love i am capable of giving and receiving. It showed that my empathy wasn't a weakness and showed i was a good soul, It made me think deeply on experiences and learning from them, it cleansed me, it rewrote who i was. All hate drained from me. At peace with myself and others. The visuals were amazing, you can't describe it, you cant show the colours on a palette, you cant imagine the scale of this place. It truly was an amazing thing to do with my life for a year. 

So it showed me a different me and overtime i morphed into that person. Today i am still hugely empathetic towards people. I have a kind and calm nature. I don't hold onto hate & i respect myself more. 

However, i have decided i need to revisit the energy, i need its healing and recharging. I want to journey further and this time i get to do it with someone i love, my sister. She’s used drugs infrequently for a few years but like me, she has mental problems and wants to try shrooms more holistically than just ‘getting high’ and she thinks i can do that with her. I will be there to look after her, to experience everything with her. I want her to get to where i did and she sees life differently. That she grows as a person. It will be a very special journey that i get to be a part of.

So we reach the end of my epic. I hope you read it and enjoyed it. Maybe learn something, understand it better, i don’t know but most of all it's out there. Sharing experiences are a solid way of learning and getting to know someone. 

Enjoy your mushrooms, be safe & enjoy your trip <3 

[fidothefinch]

Playing House - Ch 1: Welcome Home

He shifted the duffle bag higher over his shoulder and walked on, toward the back of the dealership building. “I’m here, just like you asked,” Dick said, raising his voice. “Alone. I have your mon—”

He stopped dead in his tracks as car headlights flicked on, directly ahead of him.

This wasn’t a ransom drop-off.

Read more on Ao3

This chapter fills the Whumptober 2020 prompt for Day 2: kidnapping. I have planned on writing about five prompts into this story, but who knows?

Overall warnings for this story: kidnapping, nonconsensual restraints, attempted nonconsensual drugging, domestic abuse, using family members as hostages, forced infantilism (not the kinky kind), some form of gaslighting, and the antagonist uses some “parenting phrases” that may be triggering for some folks (counting down, for example)

Warnings for this chapter: all of the above, plus ransom demands, being threatened with a gun, non-consensual non-sexual kissing (not on the lips), (the word “sugar,” as in “give me some sugar,” has a familiar affection connotation rather than a sexual one where I am from (southern US); I am warning for it regardless)

Dick’s feet hit the pavement as hard as the rain.

“Tim! Damian!”

There were no answers. A few people taking shelter from the weather in a nearby pavilion glanced over, but nobody said anything. This was Gotham, after all.

Dick’s jacket was soaked through, but he didn’t stop long enough to take it off. He wiped water out of his eyes and peered into the foggy weather around him. There was an open gazebo smack-dab in the center of the park, and he raced to it so he could get a better look.

His feet slid on the wet floor when he got inside, but he wasted no time pulling out his phone. While it rang, he searched the park again, in all directions, as though there were a chance the two of them had left their bags under a picnic shelter to play a demented game of hide-and-seek and would pop out from behind a tree, cackling.

He turned Tim’s broken camera over in his hands. No way he would have left it; it was new, a gift for his birthday.

He was so focused on his search he didn’t notice, at first, when Bruce answered the phone. He snapped back to reality with a sharp, “Richard. Report.”

“They’re gone.” He was panting from his sprint through the park. “I’ve looked everywhere, and they’re gone.”

“What do you mean, gone?”

“They left all of their stuff at our pavilion. Tim left his camera – the lens is cracked. I found it on the ground a few feet away.” He had to stop to catch his breath, and he swiped his soaked hair back off his forehead.

“Have you tried calling them?”

“Nobody answered.”

“I’ll have Alfred try again from the secure line. When did you last see them?”

“We had just finished setting out the food. I saw an old friend from school and we got talking, and when I got back they were gone.” His breath hitched when he saw two figures running down the path ahead of him. “Wait. I think I see them.”

Without hesitation, he ran after the figures. “Tim! Damian!”

They didn’t answer, but that was typical. As Dick got closer, though, he realized with a heavy heart it wasn’t his brothers. The two joggers hurried past him without a second glance.

“Dick?”

“It wasn’t them.”

A sound caught his attention. A familiar tune, one he had heard chirping through the thin walls of the manor countless times. He tuned out Bruce and followed the sound of Damian’s ringtone, hope building in his chest.

He found Damian’s cell phone, and that hope plummeted.

He reached into the weeds and pulled out the device. The screen was cracked, but he could clearly make out the caller ID across the screen. He hung up his own phone to answer Damian’s.

“Master Damian?”

“It’s me, Alfred,” Dick answered, voice flat.

“I think Tim and Damian have been abducted.”

xXx

Twelve hours later, Dick pulled his vehicle into a used car dealership’s parking lot. He scanned the lot as he pulled through, but didn’t find any signs of life. The shadows were still; the night silent. He seemed to be alone.

“I want to talk to Richard,” the kidnapper had said through a voice modifier. Bruce had spluttered a refusal, but Dick didn’t hesitate to answer with, “I’m here.”

Dick found a spot to park, but hesitated before opening the door. He rested a hand on the seat next to him, where a stuffed black duffel bag waited.

“Bring $100,000 in unmarked fifty-dollar bills. No consecutive serial numbers. Pick it up from different banks and accounts. Come alone.”

Dick hoisted the bag over his shoulder, wincing as its weight dug in. It was heavy, and nearly dragged him off-balance as he exited his car. His breath fogged in the night’s chill, and his car door shutting sounded like a nail in a coffin.

“Don’t involve the police,” the kidnapper had said. “If I see a single cop get involved in the case, I’ll kill one of the boys. And I’ll let you decide which.”

Batman was around here, somewhere. Dick looked from the corner of his eye, and spotted a flash of movement from a rooftop not too far away. If they weren’t able to catch the criminal tonight, they would still be able to collect enough evidence to put him away.

But the most important thing was getting Tim and Damian back.

“We need proof they’re still alive.”

“Oh, I can help with that.” Dick and Bruce exchanged a worried look over the phone speaker as footsteps sounded over the other end. A door creaked open. Then, “Timmy, honey, say something for your dad?”

The distinctive sound of bedsprings squeaking. “Bruce?”

“See? Safe and sound, as long as you follow my rules.”

There didn’t seem to be anybody at the meeting place. “Hello?” Dick called out.

No response. He shifted the duffle bag higher over his shoulder and walked on, toward the back of the dealership building. “I’m here, just like you asked,” Dick said, raising his voice. “Alone. I have your mon—”

He stopped dead in his tracks as car headlights flicked on, directly ahead of him.

This wasn’t a ransom drop-off.

He dropped the duffel bag to the ground and backed up, but he couldn’t outrun a car. Wheels squealed on the pavement as the car lurched forward and took a sharp turn, cornering Dick against the brick wall. The trunk of the car popped open, and the streetlights glinted off the barrel of a gun.

“If you ever want to see your brothers again, you’ll get inside right now.”

It was a woman.

It was all the thought he had to process before a warning shot buried in the brick wall next to him, spitting dust and shrapnel at his face. He blinked and coughed, ducking to avoid a second shot.

“Get in right now! Don’t make me count!”

Weird choice of words. When he looked up, Batman had crept into the parking lot, and waited behind a car to pounce.

“One!”

Dick looked over the car, using his shock and fear as an excuse for his hesitation. There was no license plate, no identifying marks. He suspected it was a car from the lot itself. The woman wore black clothing; none of her skin or hair showed.

“Two!”

They didn’t know enough to identify the kidnapper; even if they were able to catch her, they wouldn’t be able to find Tim and Damian on their own. There was a chance she didn’t intend to take Dick to the same place, either.

Dick made eye contact with Batman, across the lot. Batman’s mouth was a hard flat line.

“Two and a half!” the woman shouted, through grit teeth.

Dick raised his hands. “Don’t hurt them,” he pleaded. “I’m coming.”

He rose to a full stand and shifted to the side, toward the trunk. The woman turned to point the gun at the back of the car while he climbed inside.

It was clean, at least.

She barely waited long enough for him to get both feet inside before she slammed the accelerator, and the trunk slammed shut over Dick’s head.

xXx

He felt the car swerve through city streets for what he estimated was twenty minutes, before they pulled onto a highway and drove for another hour or two. He reached out to smash one of the car’s taillights, but found them blocked with an extra layer of sheet metal. He used his hands to search the darkness for the switch that would open the trunk from the inside, but, predictably, this was missing, too.

She changed cars nearly two hours after they began their journey, forcing Dick’s wrists and ankles into two sets of leather cuffs that buckled behind his back. He felt sick to his stomach when he realized they were soft from use. She let him sit in the back seat, this time, with the assurance that the child lock was engaged and any “shenanigans” would be met with severe punishment. After she buckled him into the seat, she put a pair of sunglasses over his eyes. The lenses had been taped over; he was effectively blindfolded.

They drove another two hours. Dick worried his bottom lip with his teeth the entire car ride.

xXx

“Dick!”

“Tim?”

The sunglasses were ripped from his face, and he stumbled in the sudden light flooding the room.

It was a relatively small space, with two identical twin-sized beds set against opposite, pastel-blue walls. A dresser and desk took up most of the far wall. The lone window, above the desk, was boarded over.

Tim was lying in one of the beds. He wore similar cuffs to Dick’s, except his were attached to the metal headboard, keeping him pinned back. There were dark circles under his eyes, but Dick couldn’t find much else wrong with him on his first look-over.

“What are you doing here?” Tim asked.

Dick ignored the question, trying and failing to get closer to his little brother. “Are you hurt?”

“Timmy,” the woman behind Dick said, saccharine voice strained with the effort of pulling Dick toward the opposite twin bed.

Tim stiffened. His eyes tracked over Dick’s shoulder.

“You kicked your sheets down again. How many times do I have to tell you?” she admonished. “If you do it again, you’ll get time-out.”

“You’re crazy,” Tim said. “And I’m an adult.” He scowled at the look Dick shot to him. “Shut up, Dick.”

“Young man, you’re already in trouble.” The woman pushed Dick down onto the opposite bed. “Language like that is not allowed under my roof.”

“Then let us go.”

“That’s not how families act.” She pinned Dick down with a hand on his chest, and Dick got his first good look at her. She looked to be around her mid-thirties. Her strawberry blonde hair was pulled back into a messy bun, and her face was still round with youthfulness, even if there were the beginnings of creases around her eyes and mouth. Her makeup reminded Dick of old Hollywood movies.

As Dick studied her, she pulled something out of her pocket. When she smiled, it was sweet and warm. “Open up, sweetheart.”

Dick eyed the pill. He couldn’t tell what it was. “Uh. No, thanks.”

“Take the medicine and you’ll get some sugar.”

Dick recoiled. “No.”

She sighed. “The longer we have to do this, the longer it will be until I can check on your baby brother.”

Dick glanced around the room again. There were no signs Damian had even been there.

Tim seemed to know what he was looking for without him having to voice it. “I haven’t seen him since the park.”

“Hush, Timmy. You’re supposed to be asleep.” The sharp words were tempered by her soft expression. When she looked down at Dick, she held up three fingers. “I’ll give you to the count of three, and if you don’t take your medicine, I will have to put you in time-out, too.”

The counting again. It wasn’t unusual for Gotham’s villains to have their themes, but Dick had to admit this one was new.

“One.”

Maybe one of Calendar Man’s cousins? Dick fought the urge to roll his eyes.

“Two.”

“Dick,” Tim said, voice quiet. Dick looked past the woman’s hand and met Tim’s gaze.

Tim shook his head, just slightly.

The woman’s face was slowly getting more red, but her expression was frozen. “Thr—”

Dick opened his mouth.

“Oh!” Her smile stretched wider, revealing pearly white teeth. “Thank you for doing what I asked.” She placed the pill on his tongue and waited expectantly for Dick to swallow it.

Dick pocketed it under his tongue and pretended to swallow.

“See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” The woman didn’t seem too interested in waiting for the drugs to take effect. She got busy unlocking the cuffs behind Dick’s back and reattaching them to the bedframe in a mirror of Tim’s position. When she had finished, she stood up, admiring her work. “Would you like me to tuck you in, Richie?”

Dick’s face screwed up at the nickname. Ew. “No.”

She seemed determined to ignore him, reaching down and pulling the navy blue sheets over his legs and torso, tucking them into the sides tight enough they practically pinned him to the mattress.

“Where is Damian?” Dick asked.

“Dami’s in the nursery, where he’s supposed to be.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Shh, Richie.” She bent down at the foot of his bed, and a night light flicked on. “It’s time for bed.”

She leaned down over his face, and Dick cringed back.

She pressed a chaste kiss to his forehead.

He froze.

She stood up again and walked over to Tim, tucking him in again and repeating the gesture. Tim twisted his head away, and received a sharp slap in retaliation. Where she kissed his forehead she left a smudge of bright red lipstick.

The woman walked to the door and waited in the open doorway. “Goodnight, boys,” she said, sickeningly sweet. “Sweet dreams.”

The door locked behind her.

[maraudererasmut]

Experiment MJ001

TW: Drug and alcohol use. Mentions of drugs and alcohol use by minors. 

Marjiuana is legal in my country. It has been for a while.

I’ve always been very nervous about things in my life. Not anything in specific, just things in general. I had spend so long being repressed by my parents, I had cotten it in my head that drugs = bad and since marjiuana = drug, QED marjiuana = bad. 

Today, I decided to do something out of the ordinary and purchase a (legal) chocolate bar from the pot store and try it out!

So, I am currently high for the very first time in my life! (I’m in my late 20s)

I had an idea that I thought was brilliant at the time to write Wolfstar fan fiction about Remus getting high for the first time WHILE I was high and see what happened!

I also decided that I’m going to POST IT. Without editing it! (Pure, unadulterated chaos!!!) Now, for your viewing pleasure, the ramblings of a T on Pot. I have no idea if this is good or not. I haven’t read through it yet. I’ll probably wake up tomorrow, read this, regret it and delete it. But until then... enjoy!

((I’m sorry if it’s terrible!!!))

((I am also currently still high while typing this, so I apologize for any errors!!))

Remus had never consumed marjiuana before. Growing up, his parents had been very strict with what kinds of medication he was allowed to consume, particularly in regards to his lycanthropy. “You don’t know how it will affect the wolf, Remus.” “You don’t know what will happen…” “We can’t predict how the wolf will react…” 

Magic had always been the go-to remedies for colds or maladies; Muggle drugs were never to be trusted in the LUpin home.

So when Remus got drunk for the first time, he made sure that his friends were around to help him through the experience. 

Now, in his seventh year of school, Remus finally built up enough courage to ask his friends to, once-again, monitor Remus while he was testing the waters.

Remus sat with the three other Marauders, staring at the brownie in his hand.

“Are you sure this is safe?” he groaned, internally terrified of what may happen. The scent of the brownie wafted through the air, and Remus cursed his wolfish senses as his mind began convincing him that this might be worth it for the chocolate alone.

“”Yeah, I’m sure, Moons…” Sirius teased, licking his lips like a cartoon wolf sizing up a prized pig as he stared at his own brownie.

“Yeah, Pads and I have done this hundreds of times!” James chimed in, already  half way through his. “It’s fine!”

“You’re not werewolves,” Remus grumbled as he turned to Peter. “You’re the sensible one, Wormy. What do you think?”

Peter stared at Remus for a moment before breaking out into a smile. 

“I say fuck it!” he said, taking a bite out of his own brownie. “You only live once, Moons!”

Remus closed his eyes, took a bite from his brownie, chewed and swallowed. 

Nothing happened.

No big bang, no swirling in his brain, no sudden rush of feeling. 

“It’s… not working?” He said, turning to Sirius.

“Give it a bit, Moons! It takes time to work! It’s like alcohol!”

“Okay,” Remus said with a shrug, finishing the rest of his brownie. “So… what do I do until then?”

Sirius shrugged, but his smirk gave him away. He sat back onto the pillows and blankets that they had dragged to the ground, his head resting precariously close to Remus’ lap. He grinned up at Remus before reaching for his wand and giving a lazy flick into the air. 

Sirius’ record player began to spin, and All Along the Watchtower began playing, filling the entire room and seeping into Remus’ bones.

Remus laid back on the pillows, his head next to Sirius’. He closed his eyes and let Hendrix drift through his mind, trying not to let Sirius’ scent drive him crazy. 

Remus didn’t feel anything.

Not for a while.

He didn’t think it was even working.

The boys had spent the next hour talking, chatting, chilling, as they usually do on Saturday evenings. They talked about girls (James complaining about Lily), boys (Sirius’ trists with that Ravenclaw boy), and everything in between (Peter’s insistence that, yes, James, he is still Asexual. And no, James, he doesn’t need to double check.) 

Remus didn’t notice the time passing as he laid on the pillows next to his friends, for the first time in his life actually being able to participate fully. They normally spend evenings hanging out in the middle of the room. James and Sirius always got high. They had since they had discovered Muggle weed last year. Peter had partaken on occasion, but usually insisted that he preferred a couple of beers over weed. Remus, on the other hand, remained sober all night, watching his friends fall into various states of inebriation, testing their limits, seeing new sides of themselves. 

This was his first time.

Remus smiled to himself, thinking about how much fun it is to participate, even if he didn’t know what being high felt like yet. 

“What’re you smiling about?”

Sirius’ voice was practically a purr in Remus’ ear, and he felt his heartbeat quicken. 

“M’not… Not really. Just… happy to be here with you lads....”

“Mmm, same, Moons. Happy to be here… Today’s a good day to be alive…”

“That’s a weird thing to say…” Remus rolled over and looked at Sirius. 

Was Sirius always that handsome? Did his eyes always sparkle silver in their conjured lights? Did his hair always look that soft and touchable? What would happen if Remus touched it? Was his skin always so pale, so milky while, Remus had to resist leaning over and tasting it. Remus edged his arm over slightly, comparing his own freckle-dusted arm to Sirius’. One was slender and perfect and tattooed and lovely. One was broken and scarred and ugly. 

It was no wonder Sirius never noticed Remus.

“Whatya thinkin’ ‘bout?”

Sirius’ voice distracted Remus from his thoughts. 

“Mm? What’d’ya mean?” 

I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles…

The Who was playing in the background and Remus watched as Sirius’ head bobbed up and down to the music, a wide grin spread across his perfect cheeks. 

“I mean you’re thinkin’ of stuff. We all are… I am… That’s what makes things so cool when you’re high… You think of stuff…”

Remus blinked. What was Sirius even saying? What had he been doing? Was he thinking? He seemed to be thinking…

His brain felt like the needle was skipping across the record. Or that more than one record was playing at a time. Everything that was said out loud was one record in one player, and a vision of him talking to Sirius from a bird’s eye view was another record. And the way the music blended into his brain was another record. 

Was this what being high was?

“I’m thinking of the music… I guess. And… Mrs. Robinson…”

“Ha ha! That’s that one Hufflepuff chick, ya?”

“What? No… it’s… coo coo ca choo?” Remus closed his eyes. His mind was feeling a bit foggy. 

Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes…

“Oh! Yeah! Jesus holds a place for those who pray…”

“Hey hey hey!” James’ voice came from miles away. Or across the room. To Remus, it felt like both at once.

“Yeah,” Remus said with a grin, rolling over onto his left side to face Sirius. “Coo coo choo, Mrs. Robinson….”

“BOYS!” Peter hollered from the other side of the room. “Hot Blooded! This is my jam!”

Remus grinned, listening as the sound of guitar filled the room. He tapped along to the song, watching Sirius watch the ceiling.

“What are you thinking about, Pads?”

Sirius tilted his head towards Remus and gave a wink. 

“That I’m hot blooded,” he said, his tongue resting on his fang. 

“Pfftt… You’re just a horny mutt…” Remus teased. He felt an immediate pang of regret as Remus realized that Sirius was likely horny for a certain Ravenclaw boy. 

“Mmm, bet you are too. Not that you’d ever date anyone… But I bet you’re real bad, Moons… “

Remus rolled his eyes, trying to keep his heart from exploding from his chest with terror. Why was Sirius talking about how horny Remus was? That wasn’t something Sirius ever talked about. 

“You know how it is… not allowed. The whole… furry little problem…”

Oooh, I’m picking up good vibrations, oooh she’s giving me excitations…

“I’ve told you, just date one of us…”

Remus chuckled, trying not to show how much he wished he could. 

“Oh yeah, James would totally ditch Lily for me,” Remus teased, listening to the Beach Boys suddenly start the quiet part of Good VIbrations. 

“I didn’t say date James…”

“Oh, Sorry… Peter then… Yup. That seems like a great idea…”

Good good good good vibrations!!

“Are those really your only choices?”

Sirius was on his side at this point, facing Remus head-on, giving a sly grin. 

Normally, Remus would laugh this off as a joke and change the subject. Perhaps talk about the fact that Sirius had American Woman on his magical mixed-record. 

Today was different though. Today, Remus was feeling a little bolder. A little dizzier. A little more capable of looking at the situation differently.

Most days, from the very beginning of his life, Remus had been taught to be small, demure, less than other people. He knew not to make waves or say what was on his mind, because he was not to draw attention to himself. Today, for the first time in his entire life, Remus was starting to understand what it felt like to be a normal person. Someone who wasn’t a werewolf. Someone who didn’t grow up being told that they had to hide themselves because of societal pressures. Today, he could suddenly just say whatever he thought and felt and there was absolutely nothing keeping him from saying it. 

“I can’t very well date you, Padfoot. What would that poor Ravenclaw boy do without you in his life?”

“Who, Spencer? Nah, we were never an item. Just fooling around…”

“Fine then,” Remus said with finality, trying to shrug while on his side. Whoooo are you? Who who, who who? “I suppose you’re the only person in all of Hogwarts who I can date.” 

Sirius grinned his wicked grin, inching closer to Remus, his eyes positively smouldering. 

“I suppose so. Guess we’re to call it, then. We’re dating now…”

Whooo are you? Who who? Who who?

Aaaawww, who the fuck are you?

“Hear that Prongs,” Remus said, playing along with the joke. “Sirius and I are dating now.”

“Well it’s about goddamn time,” James yelled back.

Remus chuckled to himself, but when he opened his eyes, Sirius was there. In front of him, their noses almost touching… There was a moment…

Whoooo are you? Who who? Who who?

Remus inched closer, rubbing his nose to Sirius’, just playing along, just being silly, just keeping up with the game.

Sirius closed the gap.

Remus sank into the kiss, feeling Sirius’ lips against his own, Sirius’ tongue tasting like chocolate and pot, Sirius’ hands suddenly around his waist. 

Then Remus pulled away.

Who are you? Who who? Who who?

“Who the fuck are you?”

Sirius laughed, pulling himself slightly away from Remus.

“I just wanted to see how far you’d be willing to play along! I didn’t realize you’d actually let me kiss you!”

“Fuck…” Remus swore, starting to feel angry at Sirius. “Shit... I thought maybe…”

“Maybe what?”

“Nothing…”

“Maybe what, Remus?”

“Nothing, Sirius.” Sirius’ lips were against Remus’ again, but the werewolf knew better this time. He pulled away, his eyes narrowing. “Stop dicking around.”

“I’m not dicking around…” Sirius whispered, his voice dropping low and rumbly. Remus felt a chill down his spine as House of the Rising Sun played in the background.  

“Don’t kiss me if you don’t mean it,” Remus grumbled, before he had a chance to think about his words and and regret saying him, Sirius was kissing him again. Remus tasted his tongue and lips and the thrill of kissing someone he had wanted to kiss for as long as he could remember. Sirius pulled away, his eyes gleaming and ravenous. 

“I mean it,” he cooed. “I—”

Before he could continue, Remus was pressed into Sirius, taking advantage of his inebriated state and lack of over-thinking. 

“Get a room, you prats!” James called across the room. Remus didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything except the feeling of Sirius’ body against his own, Sirius’ hands around his hips, Sirius’ tongue in his mouth, Sirius’ teeth nipping his lower lip. Everything was Sirius.

Remus closed his eyes and lost himself in his Padfoot. He silently prayed that things could stay this easy forever, but deep inside, he knew that would be a dangerous path to head down...