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dean-winchester-is-a-warrior · 7 months

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The Dangers of Hope Ch. 5

Series Summary: When Y/N shows up at Camp Chitaqua with her little girl in tow, her bloodshot eyes leave no doubt that she's infected. Or is she? Everything Dean has come to know for certain over the last five hellish years, is about to be challenged.

Pairings/Characters in the series: Endverse!Dean x Reader, Emma (OFC), Castiel, Sam Winchester, Lucifer, Michael, Zachariah, Risa, Johnston (OMC), Patrick (OMC), Theresa (OFC), other survivors and soldiers.

Series Explicit 18 +/Warnings: Show level violence, some gore, angst, smut, fluff all the usual for a series of mine. ❤️ Endverse!Dean (that's a warning for his anger and callousness as well as his extreme hotness. 😁) Each chapter will have their own specific warnings.

Chapter Warnings: Nothing major.

Word Count: 5,402

A/N: So, I've had this idea for quite a while. Basically since I watched The Last of Us. I loved Pedro in the role of Joel, but I kept thinking how incredible Jensen would have been. Which then made me think of how amazing he was as Endverse!Dean which then led me to this idea. Lol! I've stolen the premise of Ellie's storyline from TLOU, but made her a grown up, a reader insert, and a love interest for Dean.

If you've never seen TLOU, don't worry - you don't need to have seen it to understand this story. 😊

I've taken some liberties with the Endverse in my story, changed a few things from canon, but kept lots of things too.

I sincerely hope you enjoy the story. It will be ten chapters and I will do my very best to post one chapter every weekend. ❤️

A/N 2: Sorry, this chapter is a bit longer than usual, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. 😘

Series Master List || Main Master List || Tag Lists

The dividers below were created by @saradika

Over the next two weeks, Dean did whatever he could to avoid being around Y/N. He was determined that the morning at the river was simply going to be a weird one off. It was some kind of reaction to Y/N’s unfamiliar presence. Her emotions and her rose-colored outlook on the world had contaminated him somehow.

He didn’t know why, but there was something about her that always made him question his decisions, constantly rework his plans. She just brought something out in him, so he stayed the hell away from her as much as possible.

He knew she’d set up the school and begun teaching. But there again, she’d made him change his plans. The plan had been to use the sheds behind the cabin for storage; that was the whole reason for building them!

But apparently Y/N had worked her magic with Brandy and before he knew it the sensible, practical woman had him convinced to let Y/N and the kids take up one of their very limited storage spaces, just to sit around doing algebra and reading poetry - or whatever she was teaching them.

It was ridiculous.

But even though he avoided her during the day, there was no turning off his brain at night, when he closed his eyes and visions of her soft curves and the memory of her silky skin beneath his fingers plagued his thoughts. He told himself to smarten up, that he had so many more important things to be thinking about.

He decided he just needed sex; it had been too long. So one night he showed up in Risa’s tent after midnight and she opened her arms to him the way she always did.

But as he kissed her and moved his hands over her body, her gentle sighs and soft moans weren’t doing what he needed them to, and he realized he was being an asshole trying to replace one woman with another. Risa was a good soldier and she’d been a soft place for him to land too many times to just use her as a distraction.

So he got up and left, giving her a lame excuse, “I forgot I have to be up early tomorrow to…go over things with Johnston.” He tried not to notice Risa’s frown. He couldn't tell if she was mad or sad, and he didn't really want to stick around to find out.

As the days moved on, he realized it was next to impossible to completely avoid Y/N, whether day or night. Because no matter how he tried to ignore her, he saw her influence everywhere. He could sense a shift in the air, he swore people were smiling more and every once in a while, he could hear kids laughing loudly.

That was a foreign sound nowadays, and it unnerved him. And smiling seemed foolish. What was there to smile about? Being happy just invited tragedy. He knew in the old days he would have been called a pessimist. But he was simply being a realist as he'd always been. He called things as they were, and he wasn't about to let a pretty smile and a bouncy attitude change that.

One evening, about a month after Y/N arrived at the camp, Dean was headed to the storage shed to take a thorough inventory before they left the next day on a raid - one of their last before the snows came in mid November. He knew they were gonna need more propane than what they had stored in order to run the generator over the winter. The generator ran the fridge and freezer where they kept their food stored.

It could also power the electricity in the big cabin for a little while if needed. There had been nearly a week last winter that had been so piercingly cold that they’d all needed to jam themselves into the cabin and run the electric heat as much as possible. It had simply been too cold for the little camp stoves in the tents; the wood-burning stoves just couldn’t generate enough heat to combat the intense cold that seeped through the thick canvas walls.

So their generator had saved them, and it ran on propane, which meant they needed more than enough to last through another possible cold snap.

Dean had deliberately waited to start the task until it was nearly sundown since the school would be empty by then and he could avoid running into the teacher that worked there.

But as he approached the small building he could see a wavering light in the window - a lamp moving towards him. Before he could turn and leave (he wasn’t going to call it running away) Y/N stepped out into the semi-darkness and gasped as she saw him standing there.

She put the hand not holding the kerosene lamp to her chest. “Oh my lord!” She breathed out raggedly. “You scared me half to death.” But she was chuckling as she said it and walked closer to him.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, I uh…I thought you’d be gone.” He knew he sounded slightly accusatory. “Why are you still here? Haven’t the kids been gone for hours?”

Y/N nodded. “Yeah. I came back to put up the gift we got from Tom Richardson.” She waved him towards the building behind her. “You should come see the school.”

Dean shook his head. “No, I’ve got…I have to -”

She cut him off with wide, pleading eyes. “Please?” She added a bright, imploring smile and Dean shook his head. Why was he even bothering to say no to her at this point? He gestured for her to lead the way into the little building and he followed at a distance.

They walked in and she set the lamp on the small table in the corner and turned it up full so that it completely lit up the tiny room. She held her arms out to the sides, showing off her little schoolroom with pride.

“What do you think?”

He shook his head. “It’s uh…pretty empty.” He said looking around.

Y/N shrugged and seemed a little deflated. “It’s a work in progress.”

Dean grunted his acknowledgement and continued his sweep of the room. On the floor against the back, Northern, wall were a couple of piles of wool blankets, and right above them was a mural of multicolored leaves stuck to the wall.

When she saw him looking at it and frowning, Y/N explained. “I got the kids to find a bunch of pretty, fallen leaves, and then we used some tree sap as glue to stick them up. I got to teach them a little bit about trees and ecosystems, and we also made something pretty to hang on the wall.”

He nodded at the blankets. “Is that where the kids sit?”

“Yeah.” She said with another shrug. “We’re a little packed in, but it keeps us warm. The blankets just take the chill out of the floor and make it a bit softer to sit on.”

Dean nodded absently and looked left, his eye catching on the only other object in the room. It was a paper map hanging on the western wall, held in place by two small nails.

Dean frowned again. “Is that a map of America?”

Y/N nodded excitedly. “Yeah, that was the gift from Tom Richardson. It was so kind of him. His son, Jonah is a sweet little guy, but I guess he’s been pretty quiet over the last year or so. He lost his mom just before he and Tom got to Chitaqua?” She said, clearly using the words as a question to see if he knew who she was talking about.

Dean nodded, a vague recollection coming to his mind of a big burly guy and a scrawny little kid. He remembered thinking the guy would be a hard worker, and the kid probably wasn’t gonna make it. He’d looked pretty sick.

Y/N continued. “Well, I guess since he started school he’s been talking more in the evenings, even asking Tom questions about The Knights of the Round Table. I’ve been sharing some of the legends with them this week. So, Tom was grateful and as a thank you, he gave us this map that he’d kept tucked away in his backpack all this time. Said it made him feel peaceful to look at it and remember better times. But he thought we could use it more.”

She smiled wistfully and gazed at the slightly ratty map.

“Why?” Dean asked with a slight jolt in his gut. He waved at the map. “It’s not like this anymore.”

Y/N nodded and lowered her gaze to the ground. “Yeah, I know, but the general shape of the country is still the same, and I can use it as half geography, half history.”

When she looked back up at him, her face was set in lines of disappointment. She waved her hand to encompass the whole hundred and fifty square feet. “You don’t like it?” She asked with a weak chuckle.

Dean shrugged. “No it's, I mean, it’s fine. You know, work in progress, like you said.”

Y/N nodded and smiled, looking a little bolstered. “Yeah, slow but sure. And you know,” her smile turned shy, “I’ve really wanted to thank you for giving up the space for the school, I know this wasn’t what the shed was earmarked for.”

Dean cleared his throat. “Yeah, well, Brandy made sense. Can’t have the kids wandering around outside after the cold comes.”

Y/N frowned. “I’ve wanted to thank you, but every time I’ve looked for you, I seem to have just missed you.”

Dean scowled defensively. “Just busy.”

Y/N nodded.

“Well look,” Dean said, backing away, “I gotta get to…stuff.” He shook his head. “I mean, we’re leaving on a raid tomorrow and I gotta prepare for it.”

“Oh, be careful.” Y/N said, biting her lip in concern.

It was far too hard for Dean to rip his eyes away from where her teeth sunk into the satiny sweep of her bottom lip. But he jerked his head up and then spun away as he answered her. “Always am.”

***

The raid was successful; in fact it was one of the most successful ones they’d ever had. They’d traveled all the way to St. Louis, hoping to find some gas stations there that hadn’t been picked clean. But they had no luck. Since going home empty-handed wasn’t an option, they went North to Springfield and hit the jackpot.

They found an old Costco on the outskirts of the city that had barely been hit. They filled and loaded up enough propane tanks to see them through the winter and then some.

They also loaded up as much food as they could, and even found some usable meds left in the pharmacy there. They grabbed clothes and kitchen things like plates and pots, utensils, also managing to find a few things that had become rare and quite precious, like eyeglasses and sunglasses. They also found spare tires and car parts, and a few simple pieces of practical furniture. They took as much as they could load into the back of two trucks and a Jeep.

Dean packed up one more big box, setting it on top of the others; it was just something he thought might come in handy. He refused to think too long about why he’d gathered together the things in the box.

They made it back to camp less than two days after they left, a record for a raid. They usually took a week or more because they had to scavenge through a bunch of different cities, and fight off masses of Croats. But this time, they didn't see any Croats at all, and they'd scored an incredible haul quickly, which meant that, barring some kind of catastrophe, they wouldn't have to go out again until the snow melted.

They pulled into the camp around noon and Dean spent a few hours helping to unload the trucks and organize where everything went. When the campers saw the piles of booty in the trucks, people actually started clapping. An air of joviality pervaded as they all worked together to put things away until the next day. At which point they'd begin accounting for it all, sharing what was needed immediately, and then safely storing away the rest.

Y/N and her students left their little schoolroom to come help as well and the kid’s eyes were wide and excited, looking at everything that had been brought back as though it was Christmas Eve.

When everything was unloaded, Dean grabbed the box he’d put aside and brought it to Y/N who’d returned to the school to drop off the two folding chairs she’d claimed for the classroom.

He knocked on the open door, grateful for the hard wood beneath his knuckles this time. Y/N turned to face him and her eyes were almost as bright and excited as the kids’.

“Hi!” She said enthusiastically. “Wow, you guys sure brought home the bacon on this raid!”

Dean shook his head. “No bacon. It was fairly rancid.”

Y/N chuckled lightly and scrunched up her nose. “Yeah, wise decision to leave that behind.”

Dean nodded and set the big box on the plywood floor with a heavy thump. “This is for you. For the school.” He amended.

Y/N looked a bit dumbfounded for a moment and her eyes got even rounder before she dropped to her knees and pulled open the flaps of the box.

When she saw what was inside her gasp was deep and her hands flew to her mouth. She looked up at him in complete shock before reaching reverently into the box to take out one of the books that sat inside.

“Books.” She whispered, as she stared at the paperback in her hands. She reached into the box again and pulled out another book and then another and another until her arms were full of them.

She looked up at him, tears falling and her gaze rapturous. “Oh my god, Dean.”

Dean felt his face flush and he looked away, crossing his arms over his chest. “Just figured the classroom could use ‘em and they were just sitting there on the shelves. There’s a bunch of kids books underneath,” he said pointing inside the box. “And paper and pencils and some crayons, a few coloring books. There weren’t many of them so-”

He was interrupted as Y/N dropped the books back into the box and launched herself at him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed tight. He stood stock still for a minute before he patted her back awkwardly and dropped his arms back to his side.

She pulled back and brushed away her happy tears, sniffling loudly. “Sorry. I just…” She knelt down again and picked up another book, holding it tight to her chest. She shook her head. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed books. It’s been years since I’ve even seen one let alone had the chance to read one.”

She reached in for one of the children’s books and laughed. “Oh my gosh, the kids are gonna be ecstatic.”

Dean shrugged, thoroughly embarrassed by Y/N’s joy and gratitude. He cleared his throat before speaking. “There’s a limited supply of paper and pencils, and I have no idea how long it will be before we find more, if we ever do, so…”

He trailed off and Y/N put the books back into the box and folded the flaps closed again. “So, we’ll be sure to write very tiny, erase a lot, and wear the pencils down to little nubs.” She said as she stood and bent to heft the box up from the floor. Dean stepped forward to grab it from her as she staggered slightly beneath its weight.

“You’ll break your back.” Dean barked at her as he reached for the box.

But she just shook her head and turned away with the box still in her arms. “N’ah I’m stronger than I look.” She said, huffing and puffing as she dropped it onto the table.

Dean shook his head. Yeah, I bet you are. He thought.

After a moment Y/N turned and walked slowly back towards him. “So, I can’t exactly buy you dinner as a thank you. But if you bring your rations over to our tent, I can cook them all up for us.”

She smiled at him, friendly and sweet, but Dean was backing away. “No, that’s not necessary.”

“I know it isn’t, but it will make me feel good to do this one small favor for you in return for this amazingness.” She said with a wave towards the box.

Dean planned to say no, had it on the tip of his tongue but when he opened his mouth what came out was, “Okay.”

So barely an hour later he found himself sitting at her table with dinner laid out in front of him. It was a sufficiently celebratory meal of salted venison from an eight point buck the camp hunters had taken down in early summer, boiled potatoes, and a can of green beans that was older than Emma.

It was the best meal Dean had eaten in a long time.

After the food was finished and the dishes were washed, Y/N made them a cup of coffee and he sat drinking it as she settled Emma into bed with a kiss. His stomach was full of decent food, the coffee smelled old but still strong, and the sound of Y/N’s soft voice as she tucked her daughter in, was incredibly soothing. He found himself relaxing into his chair in a way he hadn’t in a very long time. His muscles lost some of their rigidity and he breathed out a long sigh, as though he’d been holding his breath for too long.

After a few minutes Y/N came back to the table and sat down with her own soft exhale. She took a sip of her coffee and then looked at Dean over the rim of her tin cup. “You know, I don’t think you really understand what you’ve done here.”

Dean cocked his head and raised an eyebrow, questioning her. She smiled and set down her cup, shifting slightly in her chair.

“Since all of this started, we’ve been on the move, Emma and I. In the beginning, when Emma was still a baby, I’d come across different groups of people and we’d travel together for a while or we’d manage to hole up somewhere for the winter and wait out the cold together. But inevitably the groups always fell away; sometimes we’d just decide to go in separate directions, but sometimes animosity or greed would take over and violence would erupt. People would fight over who was in charge and they’d fight over resources.” Y/N shook her head. “It almost always ended up a disaster.”

She shrugged. “So after a while, I just lit out on my own with Emma. It was scary as hell, of course - no back up, no partners, all on my own with a four year old. But it also meant no one stealing my stuff, or throwing me to the wolves at the first sign of trouble.”

She took another sip of coffee and Dean wondered at the shadows in her usually bright eyes. What stories in her past had created them?

Her voice was soft when she continued. “It’s been incredibly hard and there’s been,” her eyelashes fluttered and closed, “there's been a lot of bad.”

She set down her cup and sat back in her chair, rubbing at her eyes with her fingers like she was scratching out the images behind her eyelids.

When she looked at him again, her eyes were soft and warm. “So, to come here, to see what you’ve accomplished in just a few years?” Her voice was full of wonder. “Dean, it’s like a miracle. I mean you’ve made it safe here, at least a hell of a lot safer than anywhere else out there - there are guards protecting us! People work together, contribute their skills and strengths for the benefit of the group as well as themselves.”

She shook her head. “I haven’t seen anything like it in a very long time. What you’ve created here is an oasis.”

Dean snorted at that. “Oasis?” He asked incredulously. Her praise and wonderment made him feel an itchy kind of awkwardness. He didn’t deserve it.

But Y/N was nodding solemnly. “Yes. It’s a safe haven in a world filled with evil. What would you call it?”

Dean took a gulp of coffee and then licked his lips, looking at her for a moment before speaking. “Y/N this is only an oasis in the sense that it’s a mirage in a desert; it’s an illusion. We’re managing to get by through lucky choices and good timing. We push through from day to day, but I’m telling you this whole place could fall apart in an instant. One long, bad, winter, or one coordinated attack from another camp or a pack of Croats, and we’re done.”

He paused to try and let that sink in before continuing. “And the survivors here work together because it’s beneficial to them. But if things get desperate again,” he looked at her pointedly, “don’t think for one second that they'll hesitate to throw you to the wolves like all the others.” He shrugged. “It’s human nature, survival of the fittest, and anyone who thinks otherwise is gonna get trampled.”

He said it as a warning, still determined to dislodge the Pollyanna ideal of good and virtuous humanity from her mind.

But Y/N just smiled and leaned across the table to squeeze his hand. “Guess we’ll see. But in the meantime, you should be proud. No matter what happens, you’ve done good.”

Dean swallowed down the rest of his coffee in one gulp and stood up, pulling his hand away from her warm touch. He was desperate to get away from the softness and understanding in her gaze. He thanked her for cooking dinner and left quickly, promising himself as he walked back to his tent that he wasn’t going to do that again.

But as with most things to do with Y/N that decision didn’t last long, and soon enough that one evening turned into a bit of a ritual. Every few days or so Dean would show up with some of his rations and Y/N would combine them with what they had, and they’d all eat together at their tiny table.

Every time he left her tent, he told himself he’d had his last meal there with Y/N and Emma. Yet within a few days, he’d be back again. He told himself it was just something to break the monotony of camp life, just something a little different from the ordinary.

But the truth was he was beginning to crave the evenings spent across from Y/N, listening to her rattle on about her students and their achievements, or else answering her seemingly endless questions about the camp and how it had come to be. He even enjoyed listening to her talk to Emma, telling her stories before she tucked her in for the night.

Once the little girl was asleep, Dean usually hightailed it out of there, because without the kid as a buffer it became much harder to ignore Y/N’s inviting lips and tempting curves.

But one night, three weeks after returning home from the raid, Y/N followed him outside as he abruptly left the tent.

“Dean.” She called after him.

The sun had set almost an hour before and the night was dark and cold; Dean returned to her side and admonished her. “It’s freezing out here, go back inside.”

Y/N just rubbed her hands up and down her arms and shrugged. “I’m fine.”

He shook his head at her stubbornness, and then waited silently. When she didn’t say anything right away he spread his arms wide.

“What?” He asked impatiently.

“I just…” Y/N stuttered for a moment. “I just wanted to say that I really like when you come for dinner.”

Dean clenched his jaw as she looked up at him with heat in her gaze, an invitation in her eyes, plain as day. He told himself to walk away but instead, he raised his hand to trail his fingers down her cheek.

“You should go inside.” He warned her again, even as he lowered his head towards her. “S’cold.”

Y/N shook her head. “I’m very warm.” She smiled and licked her lips and it was his undoing.

He yanked her up against him and crushed her lips with his own. He plundered her mouth with his tongue, inhaling her sweet scent and hardening at the way she clutched the front of his jacket and whimpered softly. He moved his hands so that one clutched at her waist and the other one grabbed hold of the back of her head so he could keep her pressed to him tightly.

He didn't know how long he would have continued kissing her, or whether he might have taken things even further. But luckily there was a loud noise of something crashing somewhere in camp, followed by laughter.

The sound was like a bucket of cold water being poured on him and Dean ripped himself away from Y/N's mouth. They were both breathing heavily, panting really.

“Fuck.” Dean swore roughly before he turned abruptly and left. He fully admitted to himself that this time, he was definitely running away.

***

Dean barely slept and woke up the next day berating himself for the night before. For fuck’s sake he’d been making out with Y/N with her kid just on the other side of a canvas wall - kissing her in the wide open, where any other camper might have walked by. He didn’t need things to be more complicated than they were already.

As the morning wore on, he made up his mind to talk to Y/N that very afternoon. He'd just tell her straight out that what happened between them just couldn't happen again. It was only going to confuse things and make everything harder than it needed to be.

He nodded; he could do this. He was practical and he didn't hem and haw or tiptoe around things. He'd just tell her straight out how things were going to be.

He knew she'd be in the big cabin as the school day ended, so he walked over and stepped inside the door, hoping she'd be almost done for the day.

Ever since he brought her the books, she'd been reading to the kids at the end of every school day. Parents had started swinging by the school, ostensibly to meet their kids, but really, they wanted to watch their kids' faces and listen to their giggles as Y/N read the stories in funny voices and occasionally got the kids to join her in acting out silliness from the books.

But the crowd of parents and kids had gotten a bit too big for the tiny schoolroom, so on the last day of every week, Y/N had taken to reading to the kids and parents together in the big cabin. The adults usually sat on the floor behind the kids, keeping their hands busy with mending clothes or knitting, or else they stood at a table and worked on something like repairing holes in tents or making snares for the hunters. The work allowed them to justify their enjoyment of the stories.

As Dean walked inside now, Y/N was finishing up the storybook in her hand. He could see it was The Paper Bag Princess and Y/N was on the last page.

“‘Ronald’, said Elizabeth, ‘your clothes are really pretty and your hair is very neat.” Y/N read aloud in Elizabeth’s decisive voice.

“You look like a real prince. But you,” Y/N paused for effect, “are a bum.’”

All the kids were giggling as she read the last line.

“They didn't get married after all.”

The kids clapped and even the parents were chuckling at the way the paper bag princess had put the snooty prince in his place.

“I love that story!!” A little redheaded girl in the front gushed.

“It's my mommy's favorite story.” Emma said loudly. “Right Mommy?”

Y/N nodded. “When I was your age for sure.”

Dean pushed away from the wall he was leaning on, trying to signal Y/N so she'd hurry up and finish. But the little girl in the front demanded her full attention as she bounced up to lean against Y/N's knees where she sat in the chair.

“Cause your mommy read it to you?”

Dean was seriously considering ordering everyone out. He wanted to get this over with.

But Y/N's next words stopped him dead in his tracks.

She was shaking her head as she tucked the little girl's red hair behind her ear. “No, my mommy passed away a long time ago when I was just a baby. So she never really got to read me stories.”

Y/N kept talking, but Dean only heard a hot, pulsing, rushing sound in his ears. A million thoughts were slamming through his mind at once as he felt a cold shiver run through him.

He yelled over the sound of the people around him beginning to chatter and get ready to leave.

“How?”

Y/N looked up at his bellow, her face shocked. “What?”

Dean was aware of his surroundings only just enough to brusquely order everyone out of the cabin.

“Now!” He barked and the mood in the room shifted quickly as parents grabbed up their children and gave The Boss a wide berth as his eyes burned at Y/N like green fire.

Everyone disappeared and it was just Y/N, Dean and Emma left.

Dean felt his heart hammering in his chest as he took a step back from where she stood.

Y/N's face was completely confused and clearly perplexed. “Dean what-”

He cut her off. “How?” He bellowed again before swallowing and asking in a slightly quieter tone. “How did your mother die when you were a baby?”

Y/N shook her head. “Why? What are you-”

“Answer me.” Dean's voice wasn't loud, but his words were clipped and he could hear the steel behind his words, feel the cold seeping into his bones as the tumblers in his mind fell into place, opening the lock concealing the reason behind Y/N’s miraculous survival of the virus.

Y/N blinked rapidly for a moment before exhaling slowly. “It was a - a fire. Some kind of electrical short or something.”

“In your nursery.” Dean said softly.

Y/N shrugged, her face scrunched up in confusion. “I'm not sure. My dad didn't really like to talk about it.”

As he stood staring at the woman with the bloodshot eyes, a moment from so long ago, once again from that first time they'd faced the Croatoan virus, materialized in his memory.

Again his brother's face bloomed in his mind, and he heard his own voice speaking.

“I swear I'm gonna lose sleep over this one. I mean why here, why now?”

And Sam's bewildered reply. “And why was I immune?”

Well now he knew why his brother had been immune. Because Yellow Eyes had wanted him to be, to make him a better soldier, a better, more powerful psychic to lead his demon army. And of course, he’d needed to be sure Lucifer's true vessel was strong and able enough to withstand the demon germ warfare he planned to release upon the world as a way to kickstart the apocalypse.

Dean stared at Y/N, angry beyond belief. Angry at her and what she really was, angry at himself for taking so long to figure it out and for falling for her game, and unbelievably angry at the universe for proving once again that it was laughing at him.

His voice was ice when he spoke. “What kind of psychic are you? What can you do?” He shook his head. “What have you done already?"

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room-surprise · 4 months

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Dungeon Meshi Anime Review, Season 2, Episode 19 review

Izutsumi arrives! And Marcille has a nightmare.

This is an interesting episode but I know my spouse and I had desperately hoped that they would re-organize things somehow. Marcille's plot in this feels painfully tacked on and unrelated to Izutsumi's introduction, and the concept of the nightmare is so good, it could have easily been expanded to be an entire episode on its own. I wish they'd done that. They could have paired Izu's intro with the ice golem story to have one all-Izutsumi episode and then one all-Marcille episode... alas.

Those are changes I would have LIKED to see, but here's some changes I didn't like:

(MAJOR MANGA AND ANIME SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT!!!)

Trigger removed Laios' mother's only speaking line in the manga. It would have taken SO LITTLE to have someone read this single sentence, and removing it, in my opinion, has a negative impact on the story as a whole.

It SOUNDS like a generic thing when she asks Laios "When will you give us grandchildren?" But this is actually really important. Laios is afraid of being forced to make a family and participate in society. This is unusual because he's a man, most men in a historic time period of this don't really care about such things, but Laios is so afraid of it, it's a recurring nightmare!

This is also why he acted so weird seeing a loving father/baby scene in the magic paintings chapter. He hated seeing a father talk about how much they love their baby.

Laios is named after a story about murdering your children before they can hurt you. Like an Oedipus Complex supposedly means that a son wants to have sex with his mother, a Laios Complex means a man wants to kill his sons. Kui did not pick this name and then have Laios repeatedly be uncomfortable with children, marriage and fatherhood for no reason.

Obviously Trigger didn't make any of these connections and so they didn't think it was necessary for Laios' mom to speak this line out loud, but I vehemently disagree.

This is similar to my beef with them removing Yarn Floke's only dialog in the story and removing her from the scene with the Island Governor. That moment told us that Mr. and Mrs. Floke were equal partners, and now anime watchers assume she's just his wife who doesn't do anything. That sucks.

The addition of paintings of Marcille's father in the nightmare. Woof. I really don't care for this, if they wanted to do it i would have preferred it if they'd obscured the paintings somehow so it wasn't obvious that Marcille's father wasn't an elf.

I think this makes the later reveal of her half-elf status WAY less surprising.

Also, in the manga, the complete silence around her father created a strong subtext that Marcille's mother was her only parent that mattered. They could still accomplish this but I think it won't be as shocking.

People reading the manga probably thought "her dad was an elf and he died young and that traumatized her" (this is what Laios assumes I'm sure)

People watching the anime will think "her dad was a tall-man and his natural death of old age is what traumatized her" which is true, but they aren't supposed to actually know that yet...

Overall the episode was good aside from these issues. I liked that the nightmare sequence was in black and white, and the transition to color at the end was spectacular and very impactful... But part of me wishes they had done something else to differentiate the nightmare state from the normal animation. The black and white was good, but almost too subtle because the DM palette is already so desaturated.

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #dunmeshi #review #spoiler #spoilers #laios touden #laios thorden

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sneakystorms · 2 years

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Thoughts about the Banshees of Inisherin in no particular order because I'm insane and I spent at least a third of the screening with tears streaming down my face

Padraic starting out the film happy and one by one realising how few things he was relying on to stay that way, just the dreadful hit after hit as he loses his friend, his sister, his donkey and even the village idiot he couldn't get to leave him alone

Something which reminds me of the most painful moments of catcher in the rye or lord of the rings - having a protagonist who does not suffer stoically, does not repress his emotions until a breaking point, but laments and begs for help and reaches out again and again and is broken by the pain inflicted upon him and is not strong enough to survive through it

The most horrible sight to behold in our culture - a grown man crying

In general that whole scene. Padraic standing up to the shithole cop, getting assaulted, Colm wordlessly helping him up but refusing to comfort him once he broke down or stay with him past the crossing

Jenny being buried in padraic's blanket

The hooked stick.

The second confession scene containing both "kind of weird, but strictly speaking not a sin" and "you got me there"

"and what about the despair?" "It's back a bit" "but you're not going to do anything about it, are you?" "No, I'm not"

I wish I knew enough about Irish or English history to say something more about the civil war's significance to the story but I can at least say the faraway conflict gives an eerily absurd tone to Padraic and Colm's feud, like they are simultaneously squabbling over nothing and waging some great existential battle

Speaking of which I was absolutely astounded to see a genuine discussion about the meaning of life in like the first ten minutes of this film. Padraic represents my own belief that a life spent enjoying yourself and making others happy is well lived and valuable, while Colm is obsessed with being remembered and believes his life will only have been worthwhile if he does something remarkable, if he leaves something behind. I kind of wanted Padraic to ask him what it matters to him how someone will feel about him long after he's dead in the ground, but regardless this was a genuinely compelling and shockingly well laid out philosophical conflict

In general I'm stunned by how seamlessly and plainly the themes are interwoven with the story. It's hard to put into words exactly but it's some damn good scriptwriting

I called this movie a masterpiece of small scale tragedy on letterboxd and I fully stand by this. This microscopic in the grand scale of things drama - made to look even smaller by the fact that it's two grown men having it - is simultaneously shown very clearly to encompass padraic's entire world. The tiny island setting is used wonderfully to emphasise this

Speaking of which, I have a massive soft spot for stories where the location is a character unto itself, or in any case has a huge role to play. This is a perfect example of a story like that

And speaking of the tragedy genre, this is maybe the best example I have ever seen of comedy and tragedy/drama woven together completely seamlessly? I can't think of a single moment where the tone shift felt jarring or the mood felt inappropriate. One of the moments I remember most clearly as integrating humour with drama is when Siobhan sees the first finger and padraic's comically stunned reaction combines with her comically realistic one to create a genuine air of tragedy somehow. It's also a good example of the similarly seamless weaving together of naturalistic and stylised storytelling

Not only the horror of loving someone who hates you, but of having that person leverage your love for them in order to keep you away

In general, most heartbreaking film I think I've literally ever watched. 10/10 masterpiece probably will not watch again all the way through because it's too painful

#s #the banshees of inisherin

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piratescage · 1 month

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OK i never really do tumblr posts but i NEED to vent because tua was one of my favorite series and it just makes me so mad that it ended the way that it did so here i go SPOILERS FOR TUA SEASON 4 YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED (but also if you haven't watched it yet, honestly don't even bother, it's not really worth it)

first of all, i want to say that the ending itself wasn't actually that bad imo. predictable? yes, but i think i would have enjoyed it if i didn't end up disliking most of the stuff that came before it.

the breaking point for me was definitely lila and five storyline. after their kiss, i KNEW nothing could have been done for me to enjoy the rest of the season and even finishing it felt like a chore (i literally started checking the remaining time every 5-10 min). honestly just..... why??? why was this even a thing? to me this just came so out of nowhere and ruined both characters. i loved lila and diego together, i get that to make things ""spicy"" you would want to create some sort of tension between them (a bit cliché if you ask me, but fine) but it really didn't need to go in this direction. she was such a great character too, honestly my second favorite, and this just made me dislike her so much. she just cheated on her husband (with whom she has two kids with btw) with her husband's brother who's also the guy who killed her parents!!!! and for what?? and five as well like.... what???? five was such a comfort character for me and they truly ruined him, just like that. not only he betrayed his own brother, which is so much unlike five, because if there's one thing he cares about in his own weird little way it's his family, but then he also hid the diary that would help them come back home, knowing that lila has A FAMILY to go back to, because he loves her...? the same guy who left dolores (i know she is a mannequin buT FUCK OFF it made him so happy) behind after 45 years in a post-apocalyptic world to become a trained assassin in order to go back to his family??? that's something he would do for sure!!!, i say in a completely, definitely not sarcastic tone :))))) and don't even get me started on how he just fucking leaves after lila says "it's over", holy shit. if i were diego i would also beat the shit out of him, ngl. anyway, i could vent about this pairing for ages so i'm gonna move on but i wanted to talk about this first because, again, it was my breaking point and also i really loved both of these characters, especially five, i loved lila and diego relationship and i can't believe how much they fucked up with all of this, holy shit.

idk if it's because this season was shorter (probably) but i feel like there was so much wasted potential with some of the characters' storylines. luther was one of my favorites this season, which feels so weird to say, because even though i never really hated the guy, he's not really one of those characters i usually gravitate towards. that said, i do think more could have been done with his story arc, especially relating to sloane and his potential grieving because of her absence. seriously, why the fuck was sloane not there? why are we left with no explonation reguarding her?? such a missed opportunity.

allison's storyline also felt like a wasted opportunity. first of all, you are really gonna make me believe that ray just left???? the ray we all know and love, that ray?? and give us no explonation as to why?? that's insane. i literally thought he was dead at first, the thought that he might have left allison never even crossed my mind. i feel like the show could have focused more on how her life isn't perfect despite of what she did and also on her relationship with her family and the possible resentment that they might have felt towards her. this last point in particular they completely glossed over.

klaus' story arc was sooooo boring. i wasn't the biggest fan of sober, germophobic klaus to begin with and the way he shouted at his family after saving his life felt a bit out of character (although a bit deserved, since he's always been overlooked by everyone) but his plot was just, as i've already stated, boring. klaus always has his own thing going on but usually it ties back to the main plot, this time it just doesn't. and it's just this really boring storyline that leads pretty much nowhere.

ben's story is also wasted potential!! the jennifer incident reveal was kinda of meh and i still don't fully understand who the fuck jennifer is and where she came from and why she was in a giant squid in the first place but maybe i'm the dumb one (probably). their relationship escalated way too fast, i know they are connected to each other and can't help it that much but it would have been nice if we took things just a little bit slower.

one thing i've always loved about tua were the "villains" or antagonistic characters, because i've always found them to be weirdly likeable. that, however, did not happen with this season. jean and gene were both quite boring imo, and abigail...... ugh. she could have been so much more. i didn't really like the fact that she was the one trying to get ben and jennifer together to end the world in the first place and i just really do not understand her motivations??? again, i'm probably being dumb here but i feel like so much more could have been done with her character, especially in relation to hargreeves. didn't really like how both characters went out either, it just felt really rushed.

OH ALSO, almost fucking forgot, but am i fucking crazy or last season ended with a shot of ben in a subway or whatever and we never really touched on that this season??? like what the fuck did that mean, i thought for sure there were gonna be two ben?? was that still this ben then, i'm so confused....

anyway, i think i vented out most of my frustrations. didn't expect a rant about one of my favorite shows being my first tumblr post but here we are, i guess. now time to find a way to delete this season out of existence hargreeves' siblings style

(also i know i didn't mention viktor but that's because i quite liked his character this season, probably one of my favorites alongside luther so i have nothing bad to say about him)

#i don't think anyone's going to read this lol #i just really needed to vent #tua #the umbrella academy #tua season 4 #tua s4 spoilers

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angelanimedesaray · 5 months

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🍄🍓🎲

AAAH!!! HELLO!!! I always see you in my feed, I wasn't expecting you in my inbox, but I'm happy to see you here XD

Sooo, the questions. Yes. I am so sorry these are so long, I can't be short and sweet and to the point for anything, I swear, it's always just word vomit and -- I'm rambling again, let's get to it hahaha XD

🍄 A Headcanon for one of my favorite ships/Pairings. Sooooo I don't have a favorite ship/pairing, not really, for the AOT fandom, I'm just kind of vibing over here with most of them XD I'll enjoy Erwin/Levi Content one second, scroll two more posts down and oogle over a Hange/Levi, and then gasp and jealously drink in an OC/Levi art the next second while scribbling down the artist for future reference for the day I can finally afford to request some Levi and my OCs art (I have an OC in mind for every Levi x Reader Fic I've written that I imagine while I write). So it's more like a Levi x Anyone kind of headcanon:

I have always been a sucker for the thought that when Levi get's really comfortable with whoever he's with, and he's letting his guard down more and is cuddling regularly with his SO, that this is a common and favorite position:

Just, the hand running gently through his hair at the nape of his neck, arms wrapped tightly around one another, head pillowed on n their chest, it looks so comfy and warm and comforting for him and uuugggghhhhh I'm a sucker for it, it's my comfort soft thought/headcanon and I love it.

🍓 How did I get into fanfic. Soooo I was already known IRL for loving writing, mostly poetry at the time, and being a huuuuge star wars fan (I was usually the one people went to if they had a character or event question cause I KNEW MY STUFF). And a friend of mine came up to me one day at summer camp and asked for some help with a star wars fanfic she was writing since i knew character and canon/EU stuff so well, and she explained WHAT fanfic was to me, and after talking for a while we wrote it together, though we kind of parted due to creative differences/complete opposite styles, but I'd created a fanficnet profile putting the original character names from the story together with plans to post the fanfic we were writing, and I decided to just keep it and start writing my own stories, and that's how I started writing fanfic--and also how I got the penname AngelDesaray, two OCs that didn't really see the light of day. Well, Desaray got revamped into Zelina for my Star Wars fanfiction baby I still work on slowly to this day, but that's besides the point, heh.

🎲What stops me from writing more in my free time? I usually get in my own way a lot. My attention span has been really shot since college, it's hard for me to focus on one thing for a long time--it's part of why I started having multiple things going on at once, it helps me to focus if I have a video running or music playing, and three or four word documents and a social media website I can easily jump away from again open, because then there's enough going on that I oddly enough can focus (I used to get teased all the time by my parents for having my laptop open on my lap, texting someone on my phone, playing a NintendoDS Game, and watching a show all at once). Another issue is that I think I haven't 100% bounced back from my college burnout, but I really really miss my writing and stories, which puts me in this weird catch 22 where I'm just mentally tired and don't want to do anything, but i've been daydreaming of my story for literal hours and really want to get something on paper. Also sometimes I'm cursed with wanting to write plot heavy stuff but I'm in the middle of relationship building, or wanting to write action but I'm doing dialogue heavy chapters, or wanting to write relationship steamy stuff but there's a lot of plot stuff going on--etc etc. Its usually me and my attention span getting in the way, pretty much. Doesn't mean i don't want to really really bad or that I'm not thinking about it 24/7, cause I usually am, it's just hard for me to FOCUS these days once I have the white sheet in front of me.

Ask Game Here

#ask game

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r0semirages · 1 year

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So. I made an RTC swap au!!

It started just with an idea of John Doe!Ricky that I had for a pretty long time, but recently I decided to turn it into something cooler, so I made this whole thing. Maybe I'll sketch their designs later (or at least make picrews of them), but idk how much time it will take. I haven't change some things, like the relationships between some characters, because I thought it wouldn't work very well. But, this isn't fully finished yet, so there's some moments that may be changed in the future.

I imagine this AU more like a play, than a musical and honestly I really don't think that it'll become something serious, cause I'm not that good at writing and creating full stories, so, at least at the moment, it's just for fun. Also, the designs are based on the 2016 cast, but feel free to make your own interpretations with your favorite cast. And maybe someday I'll make them too, we'll see. Anyway, hope y'all enjoy it!! (Pls excuse me if there are any mistakes, english isn't my first language, blah blah blah. Also there are a lot of spoilers for rtc, so if you plan to watch it — don't read further!)

So, first is Penny — the most imaginative girl in town. She's super silly, sometimes awkward and doesn't really have any friends because most people think she's weird. Penny often gets left out or bullied, and she uses escapism to cope with this + all the stuff with her parents, who she didn't get enough love from. Her fantasies is a bit different from the original Ricky's: they don't have a lore, she just makes up random stories to escape from reality and writes them out sometimes. She *definetely* writes fanfiction and probably posts it online. For some reason people find it cool, but no one in the choir knows about it. She's still a Seven-Up fan and she plays the ukulele (that will be used in the new birthday song for Ricky)

I changed her design just a bit, now she wears a lot of accessories, mostly pins (bc I headcanon the og Ricky having them) and it's mostly based on Emily Rohm's Penny, while her personality is more like legoland Penny's.

The next is Ocean — the angriest girl in town. Like the og Mischa, she hates her parents (but in this case they aren't adoptive) and their lifestyle, but instead of becoming the most succesful to prove that she's different from them, this Ocean just becomes a total mess and starts hating everyone. Idk if I will make her like shitty rap about money in autotune, but she definetely has a history of stealing stuff from stores, lol.

Design changes: messy hair; she doesn't have a headband and a tie, her shirt isn't fully buttoned up. She wears a sweater vest over it with a short skirt (a dress, actually).

Then we have Constance — the most succesful girl in town. She's a big nerd and spends a lot of her time studying because she wants to be the best. In general she behaves just like original Ocean and treats Noel like Ocean would treat her in the og musical (they're besties, but not really). She's pretty mean and very ambitious. This Constance doesn't have as much love for her town as the og one and she plans to move out (and become a premier minister of Canada, maybe :p) She's the one to make the final vote in this AU and of course she will choose John Doe/Ricky.

I haven't change a lot of things in the design, but her hair isn't dyed anymore, buns are down, she has a tie and maybe some hairpins. In general she looks a bit more tidy

Next one: Noel — the nicest boy in town. A complete opposite to the og Noel, he doesn't want to change anything in his life and enjoys living in Uranium. He's still super homosexual and has a big crush on Mischa, and, as I've said before he's "best friends" with Constance who treats him like shit and makes jokes about how he's never gonna breed👍🏻 /ref

He's really insecure about himself, but very friendly with everyone else (especially Mischa). He still enjoys all the french stuff, but you know, in a less... horny... way. And his mother is a baker and Noel often helps her in their cafe

He now has a short-sleeved shirt, round glasses and half of his hair is purple (it's also a bit more messy). In general I didn't change a lot in his design, but I made him such an UwU softie boy /j

Then, Mischa — the most romantic boy in town (ah yes, this one is for you, Mischa simps). He's still in love with Talia and his backstory is the same, but instead of becoming an angry rapper, he became a sad romantic guy, who dreams about moving to Ukraine with his (probably non-existing) internet fiancé. He just wants to be happy :(

Design changes: his clothes and hair aren't that messy anymore and he has a black jacket (like the one chance theatre Noel had). Also his nails are usually black or any other dark shade!!

And! Finally! My best creation yet — John Doe!Ricky. Perhaps, the rest of the choir doesn't remember him (well, in fact they do remember him, but it's a different theory and I don't want to bring it here) because he couldn't talk and no one really noticed him. The only person he was pretty close with was Penny, but still, they weren't even friends, they just standed close to each other while the choir was performing and both sat in the back of a rollercoaster when the accident happened. There will be a role-swapped version of the Savannah scene, but I don't know what name should I use instead of Savannah yet (if you have any ideas, please drop them in the comments!! I'll be very grateful)

When he gets choosen by Constance he'll came back to life as Ricky and yes, he WILL remain disabled because I'm a very big Ricky fan + a very big ableism hater, don't expect that shit from me👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻 Also he will still have 14 cats because. Why not. I love cats.

The only thing that will change is the fact that he's a little happier now?? People around him treat him better and he doesn't have to fantasize about fucking cat-people from Zolar to be happy lol. Oh man I'm writing a bit too much about him sorry I just love this guy a lot. Bless his little heart

Finally, about his design: honestly he's just a yassified version of this picture /hj

↓

Okay, so he has a head stolen from some super swag dressed in a Bowie-like style doll that for some reason was in the warehouse. He has a big purple star around one of his eyes and some parts of his hair are also colorful (purple/blue/pink). His clothes isn't very different, but maybe I'll add some more accesories

Well, that's all atm. I will try my best to make some content for this and keep developing this idea and I really really hope you will like it!

Reblogs/comments/likes are VERY appreciated and again, if you have any recommendations for improving this au I'll be really glad to hear them or just any of your thoughts!!!

Ty for reading (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。

#ride the cyclone #rtc #ride the cyclone au #rtc au #swap au #🌀rtc au #🌀stuff i made

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alovesongforu · 17 days

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Three - Tragedy in Blood

Nine hours and a half of flight was a lot. I got on the plane with my heart pounding on my chest. I'm alone. Completely alone. I'm nobody's daughter, I'm nobody's friend, I'm not wanted by anyone.

The flight attendant smiles sweetly at me before pointing in the direction of my seat. First

Class. At least I would have a few hours of luxury before becoming another miserable person starving at USA's streets. Not that I'm unfamiliar with hunger, but I'm not looking forward to get back together with my old friend again.

A little bewildered, I sit, watching people walk by and sit down too. A nine-year-old boy with his parents, a businessman, a couple in their twenties...I like being invisible in public places.

No one ever notices the scrawny little girl with bushy hair staring at you. I like to trying to imagine these people's lives, it makes me realize I'm surrounded by humans, like me. Everyone here feels sadness, joy, euphoria, anger...everyone here bleeds, has dreams, expectations, fears...don't you think that's beautiful?

We're humans. Our life is short and fleeting compared to Earth's life. We live short and feel intensely, inventing stories about something higher to cling into faith. I think this is beautiful, but I'm weird, so don't take my opinions into account. I wonder what are all this people thinking.

You see, I never had many friends, none if I'm being honest, so I got used to diving into fantasy, action or suspense books, where I had knowledge of the characters' thoughts. Real life it's not like that, sadly. People are unreadable, they don't open up at this level, exposing their deeps and disturbing thoughts or telling you the reason behind all their actions.

I have a natural interest in human beings. I want to crawl into their brains , capture every little bit of information about everyone, truly know people the way I know the back of my hand. I know it's weird, but I'm a curious person. I just wanna know more and more about everything.

When I was a little kid, I used to write little stories, creating characters and actually knowing them. After all, I was their creator. For a long time, being a writer was my dream, but it doesnt matter anymore. A long time ago, mommy's dad found the notebook I used to write and set it on fire. My stories burned away with my dream. Why? That's a good question. I think he just didn't want to see me happy, 'cause he destroyed everything that made me smile.

Anyway, I'm distracted from my thoughts when the flight attendants start that speech, showing what to do if there's turbulence and bla bla bla. I buckle up and open my purse, wanting to put my phone on airplane mode. I put my hand inside and feel for my cell phone, but I feel the texture of... paper?

This is strange. Other than my sketchbook and a book, I didn't put anything else that had paper in my purse. I take it out to examine it and find a piece of notebook paper torn out with my mom's handwriting.

Half Blood Hill

Long Island, New York

(800) 009-0009

Speak with the director upon arrival.

Well, at least she looked for a place so as not to leave me wandering the streets.

Look, I'll spare you from describing the next boring hours 'cause there wasn't much to do. I only watched a few movies, read a little and drew, but nothing much. It didn't take me long to get bored, and believe me, when you have ADHD, sitting around for a long time with nothing to entertain you feels like torture.

I start trying to imagine the lives of other flight passengers, but I quickly get even more bored. With a grunt, I throw my head back and close my eyes. I do what I do best: I imagine. I imagine a world in which an artist painted a portrait of his daughter with her own blood. I imagine what the little girl's death was like.

What her last moments were like before life drained from her little body. I imagine how the artist had a lonely and miserable life before he died. How the painting is discovered years later. How it is displayed in a museum centuries later. How the child's spirit began to haunt the place, thirsty for revenge. That's a good story. I think about writing it for a second, but I remember the flames turning paper to dust and then I give up.

°°°

"I HATE YOU!" A child screams angrily before slamming her door.

The intoxicatingly clean smell of hospital. Blinding white lights. Weak coughs. Aged and pale skin. Diarrhea. Vomiting. Nurses here and there. Distance from her. Guilt slowly eats away at my insides with each passing day. White hair and kind green eyes. She didn't blame me for it. But she should.

Grandma doesn't have long to live. I can feel it. I'm at the bedroom door, waiting. I could only visit her when everyone had already talked to her, but this time it was different. I think she also knew that death was caressing her cheek and calling her. Mommy's dad pushes me inside roughly before leaving the room without looking back.

My uncles, aunts, cousins and even my mom leave the room, leaving me alone with her. I know I should keep my distance because of the disease, but I don't care, I even hope that I die with her. I approach Grandma and intertwine her fingers with mine. I held back the tears.

She looked so bad, so so bad. Her body was covered in lumps, her eyes were beginning to become translucent and dull, her nose and lip area were stained red. I've made this.

"Beatrice..."

Her voice sounded hoarse, weak. I swallowed a sob. I didn't notice the tears wetting my cheeks until she reached out her hand with large, purple lumps to wipe them away.

"I-I...I'm sorry." I choked. It hurts. My chest hurts. Was this healthy? Wouldn't I be having a heart attack?

"Why are you apologizing, my princess?"

"I'm sorry. It's my fault, I'm sorry! I didn't meant to." I sobbed.

"It's not your fault, Beatrice. You're just a child." That was a lie. We both knew that.

But she didn't hold a grudge against me. Even when I breathed the disease into her fragile body. Even when I couldn't fix the mess I made. Even with the agonizing pain she suffered day and night, she didn't hate me. I wish I was mature like that, because even without having gone through her pain, I hated myself. I was hoping with my family that I would die in a car accident or in another painful way.

Her hands move away from me to try to take off the necklace with the strawberry pendant she always wore.

"Listen, child. I don't have much time left, much less materials to bequeath, but I want you to have this."

"I don't deserve it."

"You deserve it. Beatrice, know that I don't blame you. I could never. You're blood of my blood and I love you. Every time you miss me, look at the necklace."

It hurts. God, why does it hurt so much? Why? If you exist, God, why not heal her? Why rip away one of the only people who love me?

"Stay with me. Please."

I begged. For the millionth time, I try to fix my mess. Pull the disease out of her body, suck it into me. Nothing. I feel as if hundreds of maggots were eating me from the inside out that time.

I took pity of her failed attempts and took the necklace off her neck. Grandma gives me a faint smile.

"There's so much I want to say to you, but I'm afraid I won't have time."

Grandma lets out a groan of pain and straightens her head, closing her eyes and taking her last breath. I froze. I wanted to make God have mercy on me, to make a miracle happen, but I never knew how to pray.

I remained still, holding her hand and feeling her warmth begin to fade. Do past lives exist? What had I done in one of them to pay for so many sins in this life? I felt angry. Then I realized: God does not exist.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate God, I can't hate something whose existence isn't real, but I know it doesn't exist. And even if it exists, it's not as Christians preach. If he exists, he's not kind. He's sadistic and evil. I have no idea how long I was alone in the room with Grandma, but mommy's dad enters the room after what seems like years, and it doesn't take long to connect the dots.

I remember his hands around my neck, pushing my spine into the hard wall behind me. Panic clouds my senses. I can't breathe. I can't let go. I think I hear my mom shouting something, but his hands tighten.

I just waited for the sound. That sound of bones breaking, when I would fall to the ground, limp like a rag doll. I could see nurses bursting into the room, but my vision went black. I felt my limbs weaken and I imagined Death eager for the moment when my heart stopped beating.

I woke up drenched in sweat with the announcement that the plane was landing. I look around, stunned. That memory always stunned me. Hey mate, I know you must be confused right now, so let me explain: I killed my grandmother. It wasn't intentional, but that's not an excuse or explanation. Her blood stains my hands and drips and leaves a trail wherever I go, and I know it.

My cousin bullied me. I cursed him. Grandma arrived and scowled at me for calling him names. I said I hated her. I hate you. I don't know how I did it, much less why, but those words injected the Ebola virus into her already aging body. Yes, I know, I'm a horrible person. Yes, I deserve to be hanged in a public square. Go through the goat torture. Being impaled. You choose, but yes, I deserve it all.

Happily for both, me and you, dear reader, I'll probably go through hell right now. The plane jolts as it lands and I remember something: my English. As you can see so far, I think very well in English. Maybe I even write reasonably well, but my pronunciation...eeeh, no. I like to describe my accent as that of a choking redneck.

I never participated much in English conversation classes at school. I know my accent is ridiculous and I never wanted to give people more reasons to ridicule me. I regret that now. North-americans are arrogant. No matter how hard you try, they won't try to understand you if you make one small pronunciation mistake.

Anticipatory fear begins to infiltrate my blood as people start to take off their belts. Nobody here knows me, I could just pretend to be mute, right? That's it, I'm going to pretend to be mute! Oh...but I don't where do is this...Half Blood Hill. Danmit!

I left stunned. I held my bag tightly as I fixed my eyes on the airport building. I'm not going to let myself be enchanted by the architecture and aesthetics of this place. I managed to grab my bags and looked around. Men and women rushing past me, people working, on work calls... I don't trust no one here to ask for help. They would certainly realize that I'm alone and only God knows what would go through these people's minds. I tried searching for the address on Google Maps. Nothing. Great, mommy made up a random address.

Fear begins to build up in my chest, caging itself in my ribs and making its home in my bones. What now? I look around as if a prince in shining armor is suddenly going to save me. I go down to the bus station. Maybe I could live from city to city, providing services and eating cheap food. At least I wouldn't starve.

Fear makes it difficult to breathe. I force myself to stop and take a deep breath, trying to clear the fog in my head. Bus ticket, I need a bus ticket. Something coos next to me. I look in the direction. A pigeon tilts its head at me. I feel relief.

Lost, miss? He asks, in my head.

Yes. Can you help me, mr...

Beaumont. Call me Beaumont. Where do you need to go, Your Highness?

I bet you must be in disbelief now, right? Turns out I'm not crazy. Pigeons, rats and bugs really talk to me. I blush at my new friend's politeness. Even though they're always nice to me, I never get used to kindness from people (or animals) who aren't my mom.

I, uh...Mr. Beaumont, can you tell me if there's a place called...Half Blood Hill?

He takes flight and I raise two fingers to serve as a perch. I'm already used to it. Pigeons friends, remember?

You wanna go home, naturally. I'm afraid that no bus takes the route towards your destination, but I can show you the way.

I let out a relieved sigh. I went back to the building to buy Mr. Beaumont a raspberry muffin and then we left. 'But Bea, you shouldn't be feeding the pigeons!'

If you thought or said that, close this book. Never, ever again read my story. You lack the necessary levels of empathy. I was once a friend of hunger, and it is an experience that I wish only for those whose crimes are so sadistic and evil that our brains can barely rationalize them. So yes, I am feeding the pigeons, illegal or not. If you think I being dramatic, think of your best friend. Think of them with their his hip and rib bones popped out. If you imagined this, you can understand me.

Well, back to reality, I walked for so long that I ended up on a road, with nothing but vegetation and cars speeding past me. It must have been around seven o'clock at night, and I was starting to feel scared, but a pigeon can't do anything too bad to me, right? I look at him, perched on my shoulder.

Hey, Mr. Beaumont?...

Yes, Your Highness?

You..you're sure that we're in the right way?

Absolutely, Your Highness. You see that hill to your right? That's your destination.

I look at a dark mass of vegetation a few meters in front of me. I know you're judging me now, but I trust pigeons more than humans. One way or another, Mr. Beaumont was right. As I climbed that hill (which wasn't easy), I found lights a little way down. Lights in a house. I wasn't going to sleep on the street today. I thanked my friend and gave him the cereal bars I had in my purse.

I went down to what looked like a giant house and went inside. Yellow lights bathed me, along with moths flying directly into the lamps. I heard voices ahead, and followed. Maybe I would meet the director here?

Further ahead, two men were playing cards. One of them appeared to be middle aged, had brown hair and eyes, a thick beard and was in a wheelchair. The other had curly hair so black it seemed to glow purple, was built like one of those barroom old mans, and was wearing a Hawaiian tiger-print T-shirt. I didn't felt afraid of him. Didn't seem to be disgusting pedophiles to me.

The man in the Hawaiian shirt narrowed his eyes at me, letting out a deep sigh and and setting his can of Diet Coke down at the table with a tud.

"Another one..." he grumbled.

The weelchair one gives him a sympathetic glance before looking at me. I felt embarassed.

"Oh, um...I'm sorry. I'll wait on that bench while you finish your business."

I wince at how bad my accent sounds, then turn my back to the two men. The Hawaiian shirt man continued to stare at me, but the weelchair man stops me.

"No, no, you don't have to wait." He says, kindly and the other man gruffs in agreement.

"What's your name, child?" He asks, gruffly

I thought about lying my name, but that wouldn't work. I wouldn't answer if someone called.

"...Beatrice, sir."

The man lets out a snort hearing this. I feel a little offended. Why would he laugh of my name? I know it's not the prettiest, but it carries a beautiful meaning: the one who brings joy.

"Beatrice." He repeats, his voice full of mockery. "A pretty name, but it doesn't fit a cursed soul."

I can feel the blood draining from my face. What does he mean by that?

"Pardon?..."

The man grins cruelly.

"Oh, you didn't know, did you?" He asks sarcastically.

"You're cursed, kid. Tragedy follows you around like a lost puppy. You'll never have a happy ending."

The weelchair man opens his mouth, but the man shuts him.

"No use sugarcoating it, Chiron. She needs to know."

#apollo #apollo cabin #connor stoll #percy jackon and the olympians #percy pjo #pjo oc #travis stoll #castor and pollux #percy jackson #camp half blood

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butterfly-apocalypse · 1 year

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Hi, I saw your reply on one of my posts and if it's not much of a hassle i wanted to ask if you can reccomed some Bill x Dipper fanfiction from Gravity Falls. This is my first time doing an Ask so forgive me if I'm doing something wrong.

Anyways thank you and have a nice day.

I would LOVE to recommend some Bill x Dipper fanfiction!!!!!

I’d like to preface this by saying that there’s a lot of fic for them that I doooon’t particularly care for so I don’t have the most extensive list in the world, and they’re mostly from the top page by kudos so you could find them by yourself, but I highly, highly recommend the ones I love.

Faking It by BunerAccount is my all-time favorite BillDip fic, and maybe even fic in general.

It’s a sort of urban fantasy AU where magic is a common part of everyday life. Dipper has always had much weaker magic than other people, which is embarrassingly highlighted by the fact that he doesn’t even have a familiar. When he decides to perform a ritual to create an illusion of a familiar, things go Very Wrong and he finds his soul inextricably linked to a certain demon we all know and love.

The characterization is delightful and @tswwwit has SUCH a convincing Bill. His motives are solid, his character arc is very believable, and his voice is spot-on. Dipper is a really fun protagonist to follow. He’s very, very human in a way that plays so well with how inhuman Bill is. Their banter is top-notch and even when they’re sort of, kind of indirectly forced to admit that they care about each other, their weird romance never gets in the way of their antagonistic relationship.

Honestly, anything by BurnerAccount is top-notch!!

If you want something a little shorter and fluffier, Always Watching is very cute!!! It’s Triangle Bill handling the experience of “feeling emotions” kind of like a cat. Mabel is the MVP!!

All That Glitters (complete, orphaned) is a HOOT! Bill is an exotic dancer, Dipper is his nerdy, homely neighbor. It’s been a hot second since I read this one so I don’t remember a lot of specific details but I remember being pleasantly surprised by how much depth was in this fic.

I also have some darker fics that I adore!! Both of these have unhappy/dark endings, fair warning if that’s not your cup of tea:

This is one of my bestie’s fics!! It’s dark and whimsical and creepy and fun!!

Electric Feel by @roboticspacecase!! MIND THE TAGS on this one!! It DELCIOUSLY dark a la Hannibal. Depression, suicidal thoughts, murder, manipulation, noncon, all that jazz. If you enjoy some psychological horror, you will probably enjoy this. If any of that sounds not super great to you, steer clear.

These next two fics are ones that I haven’t finished reading personally, but still want to recommend.

Conspiratheory by LCypherED (INCOMPLETE) Slow, slow, slow burn with mystery and cool worldbuilding with LOTS of action!! I didn’t finish it because I got busy with school and never came back to it, but it’s well-written and very enjoyable.

At My God's Feet, I Show My Devotion by ArceustheOriginalOne

This one is FASCINATING. It’s a very unique AU and if you’re here for a…normal…(?) relationship? This might not be your cup of tea. But if you want a really cool, unique story? This one is great. Bill is an ancient god dragon and Dipper is a sacrifice that was made to him. I stopped because Bill speaks in cipher and I did not have the time or energy to deal with that asdfasghj The aesthetic is So Cool though!!!

#This is the firs time I've been asked for recs eee!!#billdip

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what-gs-watching · 1 year

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"If you have to ask, you're streets behind."

Welp. This week on What G's Watching: comfort shows.

Because gang, I got (somewhat surprisingly) laid off yesterday. Internal politics, blah blah blah, a lot crying, a lot of beautiful messages from coworkers, some insomnia, more crying, cleaning random things, turning my airpods up as high as they go and screaming through playlists. You get it.

So if I thought I was watching everything before, just kidding. It's about to get so much worse. Which means, right now, I need comfort shows.

Today's comfort show highlight? Community. A pure and beautiful masterpiece.

Here's the thing: I watched Community from the beginning. Like, when it started airing weekly on NBC in 2009. From the very first episode. Because I'm ancient. I was a fan of Joel McHale from Talk Soup (oh yeah, we're going back that far) and I would have watched him in anything, so I was down for a show about a community college, hell, I'd even gone to one for a little bit.

But it's so much more than that. It's hilarious and real and way too meta for most people and all of the characters are imperfect and ridiculous and some of the plots are so dumb, but it makes you feel things.

The overall point of the show was that Jeff was a lawyer who lied about having a bachelor's degree and got caught so he goes Greendale Community College to replace it. He lies about having a spanish study group to hook up with a blonde in his class - Britta - and ends up creating an actual study group with the help of Abed, who I'm not gonna lie, might be my favorite character.

Group of the usual suspects, right:

- Jeff is the handsome manipulative one (I'm still not quite sure why Joel McHale is handsome, like, its WEIRD but I'm here for it)

- Britta starts out as a chick in her late 20's who maybe got lost along the way and was trying to clean her life up and then she kind of becomes a caricature of herself later on, but it works

- Shirley's a mom going through a divorce, wanting to start her own business

- Pierce is a rich old guy that's been going to Greendale for years just for something to do (Chevy Chase returning to TV, which sounds great but then it gets weird behind the scenes)

- Abed is sweet and magical and likely on the spectrum (and the best unreliable narrator)

- Troy is a former high school football star that suffered an injury (he's Childish Gambino! Before anyone knew he was Childish Gambino! But he will ALWAYS be Troy to me)

- Annie is young and a perfectionist and a control freak who had a pill addiction that landed her there (Allison Brie becoming Allison Brie)

and it starts out as you would assume it should, but it gets unexpectedly hilarious. And I give that credit to Dan Harmon. For his flaws, Dan Harmon is a tortured genius and I will, and mostly do, watch anything that man is involved in. He puts shit in your face that you never wanted but in a way that makes you laugh out loud and then hurt a little bit, for a while.

Honestly the charm of the show comes from the fact that it never truly takes itself seriously. Abed relates to the world through media (hi it's me, I'm the problem, it's me) and he insists time and again that they're in a tv show. Episode about everyone turning into Zombies because of tainted food at the Halloween dance? Completely plausible. 'Bottle' episode because Annie lost a pen and she can't fucking take it anymore, someone must have stolen it? Yes. Series-running story about the "Ass Crack Bandit" that drops a quarter on you when you least expect it, resulting in one of the best episodes of the later seasons? 100%.

Abed deciding that by rolling a dice to see who goes down to get the pizza being delivered, six different timelines are being created? That one will knock you on your fucking ass. And it makes no sense, but it really, really does.

This show has given me a lot of random things that still rattle around in my brain, even now N rewatches deep. Way back when offices were a thing, I'd once shouted "BOOKS!"when it was particularly quiet and a single engineer stood up across the room and just pointed at me, incredulous. After that he and I didn't stop terrorizing the entire team with random quotes. I still find myself humming 'Daybreak' (IYKYK). Yesterday while I muddled through my feelings I started yelling "I'm high as hell and I'm about to get SHOT!" It's infectious, it gets in your bones.

The best part of course is the relationships, complicated but sweet and endearing. Troy and Abed form a friendship that makes me sad almost because it's childish and pure for a while and it does (what I think, I'm not an expert though so who knows) a pretty good job of portraying the bond that can come out of accepting someone on the spectrum wholly and fully.

They build a blanket fort. They pretend to have their own morning tv show (🎶Troy and Abed in the mornnnniiiing 🎶). They dress up in coordinated Halloween costumes. They get obsessed with Inspector Spacetime (we're gonna get to Doctor Who, I promise). They spout off the best random Spanish rap and create 'Baby Boomer Santa'. They invent the Dreamatorium. They pillow fight for hours because they think if they stop, their friendship will end.

The two of them desperately make you wish you had a friend like that in your early twenties to just get real WEIRD with, because they'd always go along with it and have your back no matter what. I still, very much, want to build a blanket slash pillow fort half as majestic. (Which, maybe I should. I have a fuck ton of time right now.)

Honestly, Community is one of those things I sometimes measure people against. Seen it and loved it? You rank a little bit higher with me. Season 4's your least favorite? it's okay bud, we all agree. You wanna use your name in poorly concocted puns? That's you're i-dean-tity, I'm with it. You found something that's streets ahead? YES. Be my best friend.

I know a lot of people feel a certain way about Friends, like, oh they're the friends everyone wishes they had, but I'm sorry. No. The friends you wish you had are the Greendale Seven. And there's too many moments and too much to go into here, but you need to trust me on that. Because they're all just flawed people trying to do better in a flawed place that manifests a little bit of the mania we all feel. And it lets you feel it, but it always wraps you up safe at the end. Jeff always brings it home with a perfect Winger speech. And sometimes I really wish life was a little bit more like that. Because sometimes we suffer a fucking gas leak year in our existence, sometimes it's like that, and it'd be nice if everyone just shrugged that off, if everyone just accepted the fact that we're all flawed, selfish people is actually a strength.

At one point in the first season, Abed gets obsessed with "The Cape" (which was a real show, y'all) and he's skulking around in this ridiculous get-up and Jeff yells "That show's gonna last three weeks!" and while Abed runs off he yells "SIX SEASONS AND A MOVIE!"

During the show's run, #sixseasonsandamovie became a mantra, because it was always on the brink of cancellation - season six was revived by Yahoo Stream, which isn't even a thing anymore - and I still think about that when I want something to last. I want #sixseasonsandamovie for everything that I love. I want everything to have that little bit of magic and faith.

I started my latest rewatch a couple of weeks ago, compelled to seek out the comfort for some reason, my brain trying to tell me something was wrong. My brain had been right. So yesterday I eventually climbed into bed with puffy eyes and I got back into season five. I'm already into the part where the show starts to dismantle a bit (the second half of season 5 and all of 6 are distinctly different but still perfect), and that makes sense for me right this second, it's fitting. Sometimes things fall apart. Sometimes people leave. Sometimes you have to clone yourself in a game of 'the floor is lava' so you can properly say goodbye.

I'll finish it again in the next couple of days I'm sure, and I'll put it down for a while (until the next time my brain is trying to tell me something). But I'll be thankful I had something to turn to while I attempted to sort myself out.

Greendale is always the perfect place to sort yourself out.

#community nbc #troy and abed #what g's watching #six seasons and a movie #streets ahead

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kolbisneat · 10 months

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MONTHLY MEDIA: November 2023

Ooooooh it's getting cold and snowy out here in Ontario! Perfect weather to stay in, curl up, and read/watch/play something.

……….FILM……….

Bottoms (2023) The heightened reality could've been made apparent a little sooner but other than that, no notes. Weird and fun in a way I haven't seen in a while. Big fan.

How The West Was Fun (1994) It took me about 1 hour and 10 minutes to get into this but it finishes strong. And so many great jackets! Ugh I love a good belt buckle.

……….TELEVISION……….

The Crown (Episode 6.01 to 6.02) Okay this is my first dip into the series but having lived (just barely) through a lot of this, I feel like I got caught up fairly quickly. Really feels like the focus is on Diana instead of the Queen, yeah?

Scott Pilgrim Takes Off (Episode 1.01 to 1.06) Not what I was expecting and really refreshing for it! The animation varies wildly from episode to episode and I assume it's intentional buuuut sometimes it doesn't quite work for me. If I finish it and enjoy it enough to warrant a rewatch, I'll definitely try it with the Japanese dub.

……….YOUTUBE……….

Mosa Lina by Caleb Gamman This looks like a fun game and, more importantly, the video is a thoughtful divergence into the topic of "genre". Gonna be thinking about the ideas in here for a while. VIDEO

This Woman Deconstructs 100-Year-Old Books To Restore Them | Obsessed | WIRED by WIRED I could watch book restoration all day and I hope this becomes an ongoing series or she starts her own channel. VIDEO

7 Deadly Art Sins by CJ the X Vital watching for any creative type. Don't compare yourself to others (different from learning from others), don't hesitate starting that project you have in mind, and don't be afraid to create stuff you don't like cause it's an opportunity to reflect and grow and move towards making something you do like. Also promise me you won't call it content. VIDEO

Chicago Doesn’t Own Its Own Streets | Climate Town by Climate Town If you ever hear a city councilor mention selling public infrastructure to a private company, send them this link or vote them out. VIDEO

……….READING……….

A Few Fiends To Tea by Virginia Coffman (Complete) Picked this up secondhand for the cover (obviously) and the promise of a dying man using his remaining time to enact some vigilante justice on serial killers. Pulpy fun, right? Well it mostly reads like a mid century romance with a few interesting exchanges peppered throughout. Oh well.

Silver Surfer by Slott & Allred Omnibus by Dan Slott and Michael Allred (Complete) This is what comics can be. Funny, sad, silly, and sincere, all while telling superhero stories that don't exclusively rely on punching to solve conflict. This reads like the best of Doctor Who and I love it all the more.

Delicious in Dungeon Volume 1 by Ryoko Kui (Complete) It seeeeeeeeems like the series is wrapping up so while I wait for the final volume's release I figured I'd start a reread. Knowing where it's going it's fun to see how established the setting and characters are right out of the gate. Just so great and I can't recommend it enough.

……….AUDIO……….

Wag the Doug (Podcast) This is for a very specific audience (folks living in Ontario, Canada that are invested in provincial politics) but if you're a part of that demographic then it's a great way to loosely keep up with what's going on.

……….GAMING……….

Oz: A Fantasy Role-Playing Setting (Andrews McMeel Publishing) The Mof1 Crew is infiltrating a funeral where they know Princess Ozma will be attending. I think their plan is still stuff from the coat check but maybe they'll change course along the way. Never know what I'm going to get with this crew.

Wonderland: A Fantasy Role-Playing Setting (Andrews McMeel Publishing) Got to run this quite a bit this month and testing is going well! Similar tone but very different sort of play from Oz and Neverland and I feel like that's a good thing.

And that’s it. See you in December!

#Monthly Media #Kolbisneat #Andrew Kolb

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chochote-sijali · 1 year

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To a certain degree, I feel as if A Small Light was written specifically knowing not much information was given on Miep and Jan Gies’ backgrounds just so they can fabricate a story. It’s much easier to create fake stories where there’s little information than there is to create stories from genuine accounts. (Edit: Because when whole stories are made up and you can’t find out where the info comes from, they can get away with lies instead of being directly debunked.)

The reason why Anne Frank’s story was so incredibly powerful was because it happened. And for her personality to come off like she’s born (or ANY of the characters are born) in the 21st century is so freaking weird to me. Nat Geo decided to go the Science channel route. While the Science channel has dealt its hand in pseudoscience over the years, Nat Geo decided to dip its toes in pseudo-history to “relate to a newer generation”.

It’s sickening that you have to relate to a newer generation for the story to be powerful. I’ve read multiple accounts of tragedies in the most blandest forms and have imagined the pain that those people have gone through and it’s sickening. I can read stuff that happened in China or Japan or Brazil or Venezuela or Nigeria or South Africa. Whole completely different cultures than my own and STILL relate to them because that’s called having human empathy.

If you need to fabricate things and or recreate stories or even fabricate personalities and people’s inner thoughts and motives just to relate to a newer generation, then maybe writing the story isn’t worth it.

P.S. this is a criticism. It doesn’t mean I hate the story. I actually very much like it. It just bothers me so much to watch something I assumed was historical and for me to look up stuff and have it debunked. I get that almost all stories in film and books are fabricated to a degree, but even Nat Geo says in their disclaimer that this is not BASED on real events but INSPIRED by. So even they are aware that much of the story is nonsense. It’s just hard for me, as someone who loves history, for so much of something that could’ve been true to heart is so full of fiction. (It reminds me of what I had to deal with watching Einstein’s part of the show Genius.)

P.P.S. No Margot did not ride a bike in broad daylight around the police. It is JUST as suspenseful for her to ride her bike in pouring rain where police are nowhere to be found which is SOOOOOOO much better than what the show offered. If a girl was told to report to a labor camp and police know that Jews live in the neighborhood, why would they RISK her LIFE approaching in broad daylight in front of the police when the police were an everyday fear for that family??

*long sigh* Okay I’m done now…for now…

#a small light #my thoughts #Anne Frank #miep gies #history #nat geo #national geographic #rant post

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plutothe-pup · 8 months

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Long, Long Time || An Unsent Letter to Luca

His heart panged incredibly hard in his chest, and the urge to start sobbing again rose in his throat but he swallowed it back. If only just because with that pang of endearing love, he felt an even bigger swell of something else: Guilt. His gaze drifted up - for just a second - landing on Luca’s abandoned pile of presents. Of the object left untouched, that Milo had so quickly put his hands on Luca to stop them from looking now. Maybe you should wait until later to read that. He needed to get that letter back. It wasn’t the time. Milo thought it had been, but .. no. It was clear he had been wrong. Completely wrong. It couldn’t be read. It couldn’t leave this house. It wouldn’t be hard either… Milo was good at stealing, regrettably. Incredible at lifting wallets and purses and watches without being caught. Slipping an envelope out of Luca’s possession or just out of the pile of gifts while they weren’t looking would be simple. Too easy. And Luca was too kind. @lucathedreamer

Merry Christmas, Luca!

Even though this is our second Christmas here, it feels like the first one we probably both understand a little better, right? It's been a crazy year, but I'm thankful that you've been by my side the entire time - even when I try to push you away (sorry lol). So thank you for being such an amazing friend, and for trusting me enough to be able to share parts of yourself and your story with me.

It's really strange to think that when you walked up to me at the park that first day that this is where we'd be all this time later. It's also weird to think of how similar our stories are, and yet how opposite they are at the same time. It's... kind of neat actually that we could share so much in common and yet be able to teach each other so many new things too.

You're one of my best friends, Luca - and I care about you an awful lot. So you know there's nothing more that I want to see than for my friends to be well, right? It's something I want more than my own happiness. I would give everything I have, and everything I ever would have if it meant that my friends got what they want. It would never even be a choice.

More than anything else, I just want you to be happy, Luca - I want you to be loved. Appreciated. Felt and understood. I want you to feel comfortable with yourself and with others. I want you to be able to experience all the things you deserve to see and do, and for you to be able to invent and draw and create. You're so incredibly smart and talented, and it's funny because I don't think you even see it. Not everyone can do the things you do, Luca. So I know you'll end up doing great things in the future.

It's also no secret that I care about you a lot.

I think I always have.

You know, I never understood how people could think 'love at first sight' existed, but sometimes when I think of you, I don't think that's such a weird idea anymore. Simply because the second I met you, it was like we'd already been friends for a very long time - and maybe in a past life we were; because there's no way that I should have felt so comfortable with someone so quickly. But you always know the right thing to say to make me laugh. You listen when I feel like other people aren't. (And you don't listen when you know you shouldn't). You stayed by my side and understood, even when everyone else was angry. You gave me chance after chance, even when I felt like I didn't deserve it.

We were literally raised to be each other's enemies, right? It's insane to think about but by all logic in the world, we should hate each other...

...but I think I'm in love with you, Luca and the craziest thing is I think you might be in love with me too. I see the way you look at me - because I look at you the exact same way. Which should make this simple, right? If two people care about each other this much, it just makes sense.

But nothing about my life makes sense - and I know it's so incredibly unfair, but so would be letting myself act on those feelings when I know that everything you deserve, I can't give you.

I can't hold you when you're sad. I can't kiss you goodnight. I can't pull you close and let those words I'm too afraid to say translate through every heartbeat against your chest. We can't experiences all the 'firsts' of dating together like we experienced the 'firsts' of friendships and general life.

The worst part is I know you're already shaking your head and thinking 'it doesn't matter', or 'I wouldn't mind'. But I know you would. Maybe not right away. But years without more than a simple touch? Years without being able to share affection with your boyfriend, it would get to you. It gets to me. Everyone pretends that it wouldn't, I guess to make me feel better but... Believe me.

You don't deserve to sacrifice that much for me.

I am so, so sorry I can't give you this, but I just want you to be happy, Luca.

So please don't waste yourself on someone like me, not when you have so much potential for the future and I don't. I will never be even a fraction of the person you deserve to have by your side. You deserve someone so much better.

You deserve everything, but I certainly don't deserve you.

I just hope you can forgive me for that, and that maybe somehow you and I can still be best friends too.

#muse #about #x; Seahound #you ever have a character #so stupid #so........so stupid #i don't know how to explain how stupid you are milo but you're off the charts buddy

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slingbats · 4 months

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do I dare ask what they cut out in the bathtub scene?

OH it's not what was cut from the bathtub scene, it's like um... it's more like that bathtub scene in s1 in particular (the later bathtub scene in s2 is just a continuation of their Clockwork Orange reference) is a product of a plot thread/theme/implication that seems to have ultimately been cut from the version of the show that we were given

in other words the footage that we're shown is completely fine, so I wouldn't worry too much, but I've seen some kind of dark hints in early interviews

um, i'll put this stuff in the cut, in the end none of this is important because it didn't make it into the final version of the show, but just a heads up, I will be discussing implications of CSA and incest

it's not really a secret that there's a lot of plot threads/teasers for potential future ideas especially in the early seasons of Gotham that didn't make it in. Dent is in a handful of episodes but is never really discussed or followed up on, Montoya (a longtime franchise darling) appears in early episodes of s1 and then exits the show entirely, the Dollmaker is just??? never dealt with at all despite being foreshadowed in like... episode 2 or 3? and all the cast interview material aired in advertising leading up to the finale being how he's one of the most terrifying character they've used so far in the show

in s2 Strange teases the next arc involving the Mad Hatter but it doesn't come to fruition until season 3 and Strange is much less involved than he's foreshadowed to be

in s3 Fish Mooney walks into the woods to be put into cold storage if ever Jada Pinkett Smith entered their budget again, but was ultimately shelved, and Ivy is constantly weaving in and out of the story while the writers struggled to find a place for her leaving us with a clumsy mess in the final product

Um, this is a lot based on vibes and subtext so it might be nothing, but... initially when I watched the couple of episodes of Gotham when they first aired, I ended up dropping it due to just not really being interested in cop dramas, but I did pick up on something pretty quickly which is that Gertrud initially gives off like... really weird vibes? right?

that ultimately are harmless because the show genuinely doesn't imply anything weird - and I will admit that I personally, as an individual, and speaking only from the perspective of a white USAmerican, am not really that close to my parents? Certainly not close enough to have a conversation with my mother in the room while I'm in the tub.

I am not implying there's anything weird about this scene as it exists, because I know without concrete evidence this does sound like I'm reading too much into it, but when I first saw it/the way she speaks to him early on I thought there were going to be much darker themes surrounding Gertrud and her relationship to Oswald than there ended up being

I know in other cultures stuff like that is more normal, families bathe together and it's not strange at all, but that isn't the culture I was raised in or really the one the story was created in - so when I saw this scene I got vibes of like... Gertrud having a weird amount of control over his life

this is only tangentially related but Gertrud's presence in this show reminds me of notes on BTAS for the original concept of the Penguin, before the showrunners had to mold Penguin and Catwoman around the Returns depictions. The scan is pretty poor quality so I apologize but I do not own a copy of this very expensive book (Batman Animated, 1998)

The text is small so I'll transcribe the important parts.

"...In the early stages of development, we started thinking of the Penguin more of a cerebral villain who relied on his wits rather than his fists to combat the Dark Knight. One funny notion briefly considered was to turn him into a bird-loving Norman Bates-style mama's boy always under the thumb of his overly protective but never seen mother. Batman would have even gone so far as to mockingly call Penguin 'mama's boy' to his face, another blow to the proud bird's easily ruffled feathers."

This was never used in the final concept as the character morphed into a more sophisticated depiction of Danny Devito's portrayal in Returns, but I think it's interesting that it... sounds a little bit like what we've seen in other versions of the character, and with Oswald in Gotham. There's nothing nasty implied in the description of this early concept, but I keep wondering if this wasn't something they considered while reviewing the mountain of material they were given to develop the cast of Gotham.

To be very fair, Gertrud as a character is implied to be flighty and has a darker past than they often discuss, with her story of how she sold out a classmate she thought poorly of to the secret police to sort of illustrate where Oswald might have learned to be the way that he is, that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but.

She's also, at least initially when Oswald returns home for the first time, shown to be overbearing and protective, especially over his romantic life, which she discourages him from pursuing to say the least (though this is not an uncommon trope anyway, both with protective dads over their daughters and overbearing mothers over their sons)

I swear I've seen this come up more than once in interview materials - but I don't really scour those and wasn't part of the fandom when the show was airing, and didn't watch the show as it aired, but this specific article has a few weird implications? (link to the wayback machine, I swear I saw it somewhere else but I could only find it in archived format this time)

To explain a little, in the interview once the questions turn to the actual characters, Carol Kane seems to speak as Gertrud to the interviewer rather than answering as an outsider with her own opinions of the script, and she is an actor portraying a character, not a writer or showrunner or producer.

So what does Gertrude think about Oswald's lifestyle? Kane: It's worrisome because he works in the restaurant business and his hours are horrible. He doesn't get enough sleep. I'm assuming he eats OK because they probably feed him there, but I think it's a very stressful business, and I don't understand why. And I want him to be very careful in his choice of women, and I fear that he might not be. Why is Gertrude worried about other women? Does she feel they would take Oswald away from her? Kane: I can't tell you why. That's private between me and him. [Laughs]

I don't know, I can't find the other article where I got an odd feeling from it, but I've seen this a few times, this vague implication that they have a "special" and "private" relationship, and I'm very aware of the tendency for like, especially in writing, maternal characters to speak this way about their kids, to imply that mothers have some sort of psychic bond with their children, but something about the phrasing always seemed off to me.

And if nothing else it seemed like he was going to be more "under her thumb" as the excerpt from the BTAS art book described, based on a question a little further down the line.

So, Gertrude doesn't have a dark streak? Kane: Well, I'm quite strict as well. I don't put up with bad behavior or fooling around. So, I will not necessarily always be sympathetic because it's my role to keep [Oswald] on the straight and narrow.

It's just... vague and odd.

From other pieces I've seen while doing a minimal amount of digging for research a while back, the implication to me just felt... Like they probably would never outright say it, that it was never meant to be outright stated by the show, and never that it was meant to be portrayed as good, but that she would be a darker, potentially more abusive character - and we see so little of her it's possible that she isn't as innocent as she appears, a lot of her dialogue that wasn't necessarily directly about Oswald always implied that a little bit to me anyway, but they seem to have ultimately decided not to go with the idea of her being abusive towards him at least.

Again I can't state enough that she's only an actor and that an actor's views may not align with that of the writers, and this interview is only from around when the second or third episode of the entire show would have aired, so the plan may have changed and scenes may have been cut to avoid this implication, as the final show does not depict this at all, but...

just from external materials the exact phrasing that's used around the subject keeps setting off little alarms to me

the contents of the conversation had during the bathtub scene are important, they show how Oswald shares with his mother, that they're very close, and how he views Jim with as much sincerity as he can have with her, behind closed doors, and so I don't think it was strange to keep the scene in the show, but I think the framing of the setting, the reason that it's in a bathtub and not while they're sitting on the couch having tea, for example, is because there were initially darker implications about their relationship that are no longer there

I don't believe they would have handled the topic delicately anyway. I think it could be interesting to explore a story about an abuse victim, but I don't think that's the one they wanted to tell - a lot of times characters who are "mama's boys" in this way are usually done so in the style of Norman Bates, as mentioned before, to make the "mama's boy" in question feel like a creepier character, but. um

I mean, looking at the way the show just kind of. casually drops "the previous police commissioner is keeping his intellectually disabled daughter in the attic of some random couple's house outside the city and they will kill to keep this a secret" and then just never mentions it again even while Loeb as a character is still present in the show, as if they're begging you not to think about what they wrote, I think making the decision not to include it was probably the right one

TL;DR the implications are from external media and are ONLY implications, but the show as it's presented to us doesn't have any of this content so it's fine

#csa mention #incest mention #abuse mention #sorry for the essay #asks

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