#well I started with the positives but it all went downhill ig

[astonmartingf]

YOU'VE BEEN ON MY MIND—

— co-parenting with alonso has been smooth sailing, until he starts dropping hints that he wants to be with you again

P5 ★ LATE NIGHT DATE DISASTER

amgf almost 3k words i think? i'm back! honestly this was a fun write. mention of lewis and his story enjoy the condom ig? iykyk, also see you for the second half of this story we're almost ending guys 🫡 special chapter tomorrow or maybe later tonight :p

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You don't try to hide the nervous feeling inside your chest, granted it was your first time out on a date with anyone for that matter. And even more so with Alonso, the last time you went on a date with him Ales wasn't in the picture, and even after then— things went downhill for your relationship.

"Lance! You know what to do right?" You call your cousin from your bedroom. He arrived two hours early after Ales' afternoon nap and looked after him while you "prepare for your date." It was unnecessary but grateful nonetheless, Lance gave you a few dating tips in the modern times.

The thought made your eyes roll, it wasn't like dating then and now had any difference, granted the only person you dated was Alonso but it wasn’t that long ago since you went out on a date right?

“You better not use Ales as an excuse to skip out on a date, especially this one because it’s with your baby daddy, co-parent partner Fernando Alonso.” You cringe inwardly hearing your cousin talking about Alonso, knowing they also race for the same team.

“Okay, first off all what the fuck are you talking about. Second, do you actually talk to him like that?” Lance enters the room with Ales in tow, dressed up in matching pajamas with a mischievous look on his face, a telling sign of Lance possibly corrupting his young mind, or you finding another excuse to ditch a date.

“Well… there’s not much of a difference, but I do speak more freely to you than to him. So I’m just saying all this as your baby cousin Lance and as Nando’s teammate Lance. Anyways, we’re helping you outside and watching you from the driveway, are you driving?” 

You walk, Lance following you closely behind to the front door, “I offered to meet there but he’s picking me up. A proper date he said.”

Lance nods to himself, “I get it… I mean thinking back of the previous dates you’ve ditched, picking you up would be a sure fire way to have you on the actual date itself. Points for Nando today, soon he’ll get closer to the pole position.” Lance winks before raising his eyebrows suggestively, making you shudder at his stupid innuendos.

“Lance! That’s your teammate for God’s sake, and I’m your older cousin, respect us at least. Pole position? Ugh, you’re such a child. The more words that come out of your mouth, the more you’re convincing me not to leave you alone with my child. You’ll be the one going out the door with Alonso after all this.”

“Hey,” Lance holds his hands up in surrender, “I was joking, I swear no more. I will shut up, look Nando is at the gate already. Would you look at that, it’s time to go.” 

Leaving you no time to respond, Lance pushes you out the door handing a purse in your hands, the contents inside are your phone, lip gloss, a small perfume bottle, and a piece of condom. You turn around glaring at your cousin, watching through the glass window, a smirk full of mischief behind them. 

You shake your head disappointed, pulling your phone you frantically type a message before meeting Alonso waiting patiently leaning at the passenger door. “How long have you been waiting?”

It was only then that Alonso looked up, “Not too long ago… Wow— Hello. Uhm… you look absolutely stunning, breath-taking.” 

A smile grows on your face, “You don’t look bad yourself, it’s been a while huh? This…”

Alonso nods his head, opening the door for you. You sit in the car, as you catch him taking a deep breath then fixing up his suit before entering the car with what seems to be a nervous smile on his face. 

Hopefully he’s as nervous as you— sitting up straight, hands building sweat as your breaths shorten the close proximity making you feel as if there’s a limited amount of air for you to breathe. It was new and jarring. You’ve been inside a car with Alonso before, but usually you have Ales or a surgery case in mind, now it’s just you two— not as Ales’ parents but as Alonso and YN.

“I’m nervous… truth be told, I haven’t thought this far ahead, I was stuck between asking you on a date and the ways to convince you. I’ve been scrambling around like a headless chicken on what to do, but I thought about your schedule and wanted to do something more chill and laid-back night out. No stress, fingers crossed.” Alonso laughs, taking small glances in your direction and focusing on the road ahead of him.

Your heart warms at Alonso’s train of thought, his attention to detail of your schedule leaves you in awe. You feel transported back in your 20s as Alonso picks you up from work during your anniversary and opting to stay in instead of celebrating out making sure you’re well rested.

Greeted by the familiar gates of his house, Alonso pulls his car in the driveway, opening your side of the door. “I thought we could eat dinner and talk in the safety of my house, is that okay? I forgot to tell you, maybe we could’ve worn something more casual but what’s wrong with dressing up for the occasion right?”

Taking Alonso’s hands you laugh at his words, “It’s all good, I think the outfits help bring the vibe. I mean where else will I get the chance to dress up outside charity events in the hospital? Thank you for bringing us here, I prefer the comfort of your home as well, and if you’re cooking it might beat whatever food I’m craving at the moment.”

Alonso opens the door, and you are greeted with a candle-lit kitchen, the lights in the living room set to dim with the soft sound of a piano playing somewhere completing the atmosphere of the house. “For some who’s been scrambling like a headless chicken this seems well thought out.” Shrugging your coat off, revealing the back of your dress— Alonso’s breath hitches, taking the coat from your arms. He couldn’t help but stare, especially when you’re looking this good, it would be illegal, the thoughts and words wanting to spill out of his mouth.

“You take my breath away as ever. I don’t think I’ll get used to this.” You laugh at Alonso playfully rolling your eyes, slapping his hands— you try not to get his words the best of you. Despite your heart going over 300 kilometers as blood rushes through your cheeks, you shake your head knowing how well Alonso is with words. “What are you not getting used to?”

“I don’t think I’ll get used to you being the mother of my child.” A small gasp escapes your lips, his words catching you off guard. You tilt your head, unsure of what Alonso meant by his words. “I think I got lucky, despite all that happened, you’re here and I’m spending time with Ales. I’m glad we’re doing this.”

A small smile escapes your lips, nodding to yourself, “I’m glad we worked things out, I think I can confidently say I’m happy of how far we’ve come, not just as Ales’ parents but our relationship has gotten better.”

Alonso laughs in agreement, before ushering you to one of the seats in the kitchen island watching him cook him your meal, catching up on things and what not. It was comfortable, and relieving, as time passes by you grow confident at how things are with you and Alonso. Sipping wine, laughing at jokes, and taking jibes at your situation— two years ago this would’ve never happened, you wouldn’t have let yourself feel vulnerable in front of him. 

Two years ago you only saw him as Ales’ father, but now he was your friend, Alonso. You take a sip of the wine as Alonso recalls a story from the past causing an outburst from you ending up in a debate on what actually happened.

“That wasn’t it, Lewis told me what happened between him and Nico.” Alonso glanced in your direction, brows raised at the revelation. “How come you know? I didn’t hear about this.”

You were taken aback, “Lewis called me the night after. and I may have helped him from Nico…” 

This time it was Alonso who gasped, leaning on the table waiting for you to tell more about the story, “I saw them fight, and Nico’s sister was there, watching it unfold with me, I couldn’t just stand and watch, I helped Lewis and left. Frankly it was none of my business and neither should you ask me about it.”

Squinting his eyes, Alonso pieces out the timeline before staring right through your eyes, “You were there when she gave birth right?” 

You press your lips into a thin line, “I can neither confirm nor deny— patient confidentiality.” Shaking your head, you avoid the conversation all together, thinking back of Lewis and Nico just opened a whole new can of worms you’re not ready to discuss, especially not to Alonso.

Despite your poor excuse, Alonso shrugs, letting you off and dropping the conversation completely. The night was slowly coming to an end, you helped Alonso with cleaning up not before another argument on cleaning up which you won in the end, leaving him no choice and instructing you to wipe the dishes after he cleans them.

You fall into the rhythm of habit that has once been for the two of you, nursing another glass of red as you sit on the couch with him as the night grows deeper. “I’m glad I got to do this with you, especially before the season starts. Maybe we can do this once a week with Ales next time.” 

Before the season starts.

Who would’ve thought that it would only take those two words before you escape the illusion of domesticity in front of you like a fish out of water. How long have you been talking without ever mentioning racing, ever? It was only then you realized that you never discussed racing with Alonso since.

You were feeling comfortable because of winter break, in your head he was just Ales’ father— but at the end of the day you’re forced to come back to reality, and he was still racing. And the season was about to begin. 

“The season is starting?” You repeat the words out of your own lips, you couldn’t believe it. The small bubble of you and Alonso actually working it out fades into thin air. And you find yourself falling into the same loop, facing the reality that things will never work out for you and Alonso. 

It didn’t happen then, and it wouldn’t happen now— especially not now, not until he chooses to race, and as far as you’d like to hold on, patiently waiting for him, you lose confidence in yourself to hold on any longer. With a man like Fernando— he wouldn’t end the blaze his firing up in his career, and as the season starts and holds promise, you doubt he would want to put a stop and end things.

Everything is hard, Alonso is a hard man to keep up with, he’s a beast on and off the track— as much as you’d prefer to have him all to yourself and Ales, you should’ve learned that by now. It’s selfish of you to demand of him, but whenever you see him with Ales, it’s tugging on your heart strings at his best efforts to form a relationship with him— not just Ales, but it’s slowly working on you. But you won’t let yourself forget.

In love there will always be choices, and for you, you’d rather not have Alonso at all if you’ll be sharing your time with him and his damn races. And this time, you’ll choose yourself and Ales all over again. “Shit, did I say something wrong?” You blink, staring at Alonso who was mumbling to himself.

Do you blame yourself for his worries?

At one point you did, but you know Alonso of all people will understand why you choose this, and as much as you want to try, it would be too much of a risk. “It’s about the start of the season right?”

Your silence only confirms Alonso’s worries, “I’m sorry YN, do you want to go home? I can take you-” you shake your head, placing the glass of wine on the coffee table, you up and leave not before grabbing your coat and purse from the kitchen island.

Alonso was much quicker, grabbing your arms, pulling you back in, resting his foot on the door stopping you from leaving. Opening your purse he holds his breath, after catching a glimpse of the condom in your purse, presumably ignoring it, he picks up your phone to message Lance.

“You’re not leaving at this time of night. I know you don’t want to stay any longer, but please wait for a few minutes. I messaged Lance and he’s on his way, please wait.”

Your lips twitch, your emotions and intuition conflicted at Alonso. Only he could set your heart into flames and you’d gladly walk through it if it’s him at the end waiting for you. Like a ticking time bomb, a test for your strength as your eyes wander all over his face.

“You know you can do whatever you want here, and after all of it you’re free to leave.” You suck in your teeth, this is the Fernando you knew— calculative. Proud. You knew he was playing mind games, but you couldn’t just get up and leave, not when Alonso racing causes a big effect on you, you’re on the losing side here. 

You step forward, walking towards the door, leaving Alonso no place to go, back flushed at the door, Alonso keeps his eyes on you, daring you to make a move. Inching closer, and closer, you press your body against him, hot breath fanning on his cheeks, keeping your eyes right through his. Knowing well that you can leave and make him want more, you keep your body tight against his, softly grazing your cheeks on the stubble of his beard.

His hands snake behind your back, back arching at the warmth of his hands, contradicting your cool back, lighting you ablaze as Alonso pulls you closer, for a kiss. Wet and hungry, you feel him smile as you smirk at him. Your fingers tingle, throwing them on top of Alonso’s hair, tugging and pulling them as he moves down your neck peppering them with kisses as your head lolls back giving him free range, like a painter presented with a blank canvas.

Your eyes roll, hips flushed against his, you’d gladly let yourself get lost in this moment, you’d gladly surrender yourself in his arms— but as much as you want to stay, the lights of Lance’s car pulling up outside the gate evokes a wake up call from you.

Pushing him away, you hand him the coat before turning around, it seems Alonso isn’t finished as he pulls you in closer for another kiss, whilst helping you put the coat on, pinning your ass flat against his before pressing sloppy kisses all over your neck. It was hot and heavy— head tilted to the side, as your hands ghost over his cheeks before yanking him away from you.

You stand in front of him, eyes staring over his brown ones as you watch a reflection of yourself, you wipe the smudged lipstick with your thumb before smearing it all over Alonso’s lips. You could barely ignore the sound of his heavy breaths leaving you intoxicated. “I guess this is goodbye, Alonso.” 

You pat his cheeks softly with a small smile on your face, grabbing your purse and pushing him to the side leaving him frozen as he watches you walk past him, making your beeline to the gate and onto Lance’s car.

“Is everything okay?” Lance asks you as you enter the car.

You nod, not trusting your own words. “Yeah… things— they happen.”

Lance nods, dropping the conversation before driving you back home.

You’ll never catch yourself slipping, not again.

★ YOU'VE BEEN ON MY MIND — @namgification @nebarious @minkyungseokie @viennakarma @lxclerc @booksandflowrs @c-losur3 @lichterfee @moonyzsworld @e-nonsense @vicurious28 @dannyriccsupremacy @thearchieves @welovediaaxx @vogueprincess @mael1pastry @khaylin27 @whydowesleepeachnight @iridescent-sol

[gyarucoded]

reviewing loki s2 ep4 (major spoilers!)

i was bit hesitant thowards this ep cuz i started noticing how this season parallels the previous one, which went very downhill after ep3 however, i think it seem to get better this time? 🤔🤭 this is so far my fav episode and hopefull they'll keep this energy for the last 2 eps. ok let's get into it:

i don't think this was timed like this on purpose but love how we're 3 days away from halloween and this episode fits with it so well. i could be biased as a horror fan but i loved the eeriness (is that even a term?)

brad you stupidass why are you listening to ravonna when she clearly doesn't care about any of your lives on the time line 😭

ooouu the box scene 😧 not miss minutes' psycho ass smiling like she's getting creepier each ep- also as someone who watches gory movies i expected to see what was left of all the prisoners but then i remembered disney tries to keep shit as "family friendly" as possible altough i am not complaining cuz it's a lot more cinematic to just hear the blood droplets & it leaves space for our imagination!

why does it feel like b-15 is lowkey the true leader of the tva now? i can definitely vibe with that.

"which way, wizard?"

B-15 is strong af for not throwing up at *that* scene but ig she has seen more gruesome sights before.

i just know ppl gonna ship o.b, casey & victor as a poly-couple and i'm a 100% there for it lmaoo

even sylvie calling it "bromance" like miss ma'am's gay radar was going havoc, and her smile when HWR death was mentioned plss🤚 😭

i know sylvie meant well when she snapped at mobius for yk, "not reading the room" but i still felt kinda bad for mobius cuz i can deffo see him as the stress eater-type.

loki mentioning thor !!!!

the parallels between thor & jane and loki & mobius hmmm.....hmmmm...

what sylvie said about anhiliation & starting from scratch reminded me of thanos in endgame, sry baby 💀

well despite of that, still think sylvie is in the middle of her positive character arc/development

we're also witnessing loki's growth !! (notice how in 1x04 mobius told him to grow up?) he's possibly even more mature then he was in the sacred time line but that was due his sctripted fate of being a "loser" that sabotaged him from more rational choices but now he's free to think & do what he wants n i love that for him.

goodbye miss minutes i assure you that nobody's gonna miss yew. 💁‍♀️

now why did x-5 had to ruin that wholesome moment this badly ><=$^[_=

despite of sylvie & loki not fully agreeing on moral issues and stuff, i enjoyed them working together, it was finally sylvie's turn to show off her magic 😋

loki was so soft & reassuring with victor timely only for him to be spaghettified ?? i knew they'd probs kill him off but i didn't expect it to be such a weird & immidate death 😭 kinda sad cuz i don't think they'll bring that version of him back.

idk how to feel about ravonna getting pruned. not sure she'll get redeemed cuz it's too late for that now but pruning doesn't kill an invidual so it's likely that her story doesn't just end here.

love the soundtrack in this series generally but in the latest episode it's outstanding ! natalie holt truly added her whole 🐱 into this ost 🙏

the cliffhanger is absolutely killing me, i'll have to absorb all the theories until next friday like i fr cannot wait ngfddjfsvbm

[1-talk-alot]

I know I know I know I said I wouldn’t rant about this topic again but be fr you didn’t know that and I didn’t care because that’s what I’m doing

Soooooo codenames yeah whatever this might be a longer rant than normal bcs im actually talking about 2 in one topics and the first one in friends! From a couple years ago

I need a few more codenames soooo

S - known her for 9 years uhhh shes really cool even though I dont see her very often anymore I also used to have a crush on her (little bit of lore you didn’t know I bet)

W - known her for 8 years shes also really cool

That’s it

OK this is a throwback to the times where everything was so different and im analysing why because I’m bored ig

S used to be one of my best friends, uhh along with H, W, and A (the only reason I gave them codenames was so I could write this sentence but they’re not in any stories or anything) and like I didn’t have any major friendship issues until the last couple years of my life and my mental health (which is not a topic I would like to cover right now) was also a lot better, like sure a lot of things were still shit but all in all I was happier yk? Then covid happened which wasn’t the biggest setback in my life but it’s definitely there and I can’t blame it all on my next point because there’s no way covid didn’t do anything to me

I think the whole being in my room 24/7, chronically online, bored and tired thing allll started there I think it as really subtle, I didn’t realise at the time, but my perspective on life, my average social battery, dare I say my patience all started to fall then (slowly but surely) I became irritable, I became used to frequent mood swings, I isolated myself for the heck of it, I didn’t go outside and I didn’t enjoy what I used to before and as if it wasn’t all slowly going downhill then, which I’m sure I would’ve gotten better if I’d had more time, uhh then I went to secondary and I was like shot down after the first month or so

If you were to ask my why I wouldn’t be able to give you an answer because my memory is so foggy (after reliving the same week 52 weeks in a row youd understand) I don’t see any specific differences, I know I stopped hanging out with A but nothing personal happened we just had different friendgroups and I think in year seven, nothing good ever happens in year seven, but nothing ever last either and I think my biggest issue was just time management and i don’t really stress over that anymore because icl about detention

In year eight however

So I had a new friendgroup right erase all the dudes from yr7, uhhh I actually really miss being i’s best friend because when I was every day was a lot more bearable but it’s okay we’re still friends, welcome L, E, and M!!!!!!!!!!! (wooooo) L and E i could easily talk about but it would be all positive so I’m not going to, Ik y’all aren’t here to watch a teenager talk about how happy she is, nobody tunes into that

Que topic 2! (It’s a continuation of topic one but onto the second stage of life aaand probably the last let’s be real)

So you might’ve noticed how I failed to include M when I said it would all be positive. That’s bcs it isn’t (plot twist) I could go on for ages but I’ve already done like 4 rants about this guy (and three of them are gone since I got T worded!) so instead I’m just gonna talk about recentl

TODAY !!!!!!!!!!!!! Today was shit honestly

Period once science uhhh idk if M thinks I’m too stupid to notice or if they think I won’t care about the way theyre suddenly treating my fp (/p)???? I know this isn’t my fight, I’m just talking over here but they’re not exactly trying to hide how dryly and reluctantly they reply? You’ve done so much shit and now you think you’re entitled to start acting like you’re the one being tired out. Kind of like a sexist boyfriend who hits his girlfriend, then when she leaves is like “well- i-I didn’t like you anyway!” To hide his fragile masculinity? Kind of like that yeah

Anyways ummm I could keep this professional but I’m better at voicing my argument if I sound like I’m just going batshit crazy speaking to that person and yelling at them so excuse me for the 2nd person, im still talking about M

One, how the fuck are you such a fucking narcissist??? You know it full well and you’re even proud of it and it makes me sick

Two, when I first became your friend I did think you were funny and that changed drastically because you’re just?? All your jokes consist of making fun of people insecurities, speaking in a cringe anime voice or using unfunny brain rot terms ‘ironically’ and sometimes it’s just so uncalled for like come on

Three, I just know that you think you’re at the “top” of this friendgroup. You think you can shittalk multiple people behind our back and we just won’t notice, you think your the only one with unspoken opinions and you don’t see past our very first trait. This was almost confirmed when you referenced L’s whole personality being hilariously stupid jokes and just ‘running around’. How blind do you even have to be??

I have multiple other things that annoy me but I can’t think of a way to put them into this rant so I’m just gonna list them now bcs i cba I just wanna get this done

• the way you obnoxiously played the full volume audio right in my ear today and didn’t it move until I did it for you

• the way you think I’m gullible enough to believe your simple lies

• the way you get so close to my face at times for like no reason like come on just don’t do that

•the way you only want to talk to me when you’re in the mood or when you need help and think I’ll just be there at your service

• the way you try to stop me from talking to E like when they were in the music rooms and I was gonna go and you kept stopping me stalling

•I know it sounds selfish but the way you’re stealing my inside jokes then being like “wdym I always did that that was my thing”

Uhhh that’s it ig? I’m not proofreading this so whatever uhhh im gonna go this way now bye

[appreciatingtokrev]

thank you! i'm happy to be back <3

that is a long time when things are going downhill but it is better to get out rather than later. that's great, it does show personal growth for both of you and it is nicer for things to end on a more positive note or a positive development. it really doesn't, everything become a hot boiling cauldron of mess and that's true otherwise ill feelings may start to develop too if the attempts keep failing or misunderstandings occurs.

isn't the pc version only for windows users though? i don't think gi and the others were planned for the play stations but they did so well so the company was able to do that. i suppose they don't see the need? because there will be more pc users than switch users and i highly doubt the game would be free for the switch version.

oh, i'm assuming he wasn't allow to teach the classes that you were in then? that's good because it probably would been a problematic problem to have. that is more convenience and that does sound like a funny story 🤣 that was the only incident so it's never been too bad.

if it's from tiktok then we had seen it. it is hard to depart from a childhood friend but the association would only lead to trouble and another reason why koko might been more keen to do it too since inui life would probably been in danger if they still kept ties with each other.

it is a realistic version considering how vile bonten crimes were but maybe inui might had died instead? because the last timeline in s1 both inui and koko are members of the corrupt version of toman. but it is hard to figure it out considering koko was only show in one page during the whole arc 😭 also, have you ever tried cosplaying? i'm getting the outfit together for makima (chainsaw man) but it's only bc i REALLY like the outfit and it's normal clothes that i can wear afterwards. but finding the blazer was a pain in the ass though 😭

i’m glad <3

yeahh lol. i just really really wanted us to work out bc i didn’t wanna lose them as a friend but that ended up not going great until a few weeks ago adhjfhf. very true, yeah.

hm not sure but i thought you can run gi on other systems too... never tried it or know anyone who does tho so what do i know. but if that’s the case, it’d surprise me ngl. hm. so i googled if it would be free on switch, and the speculators mostly said probably yes. bc, after all, one of it’s big advertisements is that it’s free (though you can spend a shit ton of money on gacha if you want to). honestly i just think it’s funny that they confirmed that gi will come to switch one day and then never talked about it again lmao

nope he’s never teached me, we would asked the school not to make him teach me if it was ever a possibility. tho it’s not even really a possibility bc the school i’m going to has like. two types of switzerland’s highschool? the fms & the gymnasium (not a gym-). that probably doesn’t tell you anything adgjhdh but while my dad could teach in either it’s only ever been the gymnasium and i’m in the fms now so yeah lol.

yes, very true. hm.. possibly, he’s dead, yeah, definitely realistic. maybe i’m mixing things up but isn’t bonten the timeline in which inupi & draken run a bikeshop together? adhjfhf. ig the big difference going on between koko & inupi in the bad toman and the bonten timeline is that koko chose to stay before, and then chose to leave. plus i don’t think corrupt toman was a sudden thing, it just gradually went bad so a lot of the people stayed thinking it will get better until it was too late. they originally didn’t know what they’d signed up for. meanwhile koko knew what he was getting into with bonten from the start so he got inupi away from it earlier.

never tried cosplaying and it makes me wanna cry 😭 one day i’ll sew myself venti’s whole outfit and cosplay him, that’s been a dream for nearly two years now... generally i hope to start cosplaying sometime when i move out & make my own money, but that likely won’t be in less than... 7 years 😭 so maybe i will start earlier. anyways that said i’m pretty close to a not 100% accurate low cost cosplay for valhalla kazutora (which was kinda an accident, i just started making my own merch bc i can’t order it lol) bc i’ve made his earring and am working on the jacket.. inverted colors but still. i just gotta FINALLY paint the logo on. and i wear similar pants on the daily plus my boots are boot enough i think. so technically i have everything except a wig lol. also also makima :0 ngl she looks pretty hot plus true, her outfit is practical, so i def get why you’re cosplaying her. even if i don’t like her at all too... ah i can imagine the blazer being hard to find 😭 tho i’m happy you managed to do it eventually!!

[llycaons]

other nice things about iontbo in it's final third of the story - kmy's character growth! finally! mst protecting and calming that old man who was in a panic attack just like mgt does for him! in general mst's increased confidence and pride in himself and his determination to confront and move on from what happened to him. I love him so much

kmy and ju-ri being friends WOULD be nice but they don't actually feel like friends the show just tells us they are 😭

discussion of child abuse under the cut

the entire show I've admired the way kmy was written in reaction to her father dying...very few times have I seen it depicted that survivors absolutely refuse to forgive their abusive parents, refuse to consider their point of view, refuse to empathize with them, or refuse to try to reconnect with them. kmy doesn't want to spend time with her father. she has no interest in improving their relationship. she refuses calls from the hospital and she treats him as if he's already dead. she frequently affirms that she doesn't care what happens to him no matter how he's related to her. she only interacts with him to prove a point to him. consistently. and this is an unusual character but it's such a satisfying arc to watch after seeing how abuse survivors are usually written

the single concession she makes is sharing a story about something kind he did for her as a child, but that changes nothing about what he did to her. but she doesn't make a move to go to him as he's dying because dying doesn't absolve anyone of the hurt they've done. she'd rather be with her friends and her new family. and she clearly still has some conflicting feelings after his death - we can see her stone-faced staring at his urn - but as a whole her reaction to him is just. chef kiss. I think it conveys the nuance that would be realistic without diminishing her for her feelings. her father's final words may have been regretful and tearful, but she wasn't obligated to be there and cry with him. even if he acted the way he did out of motives that are slightly more noble than she expected, and no matter than he had a brain tumor interfering with his judgement. he still hurt her

this show covers quite a lot of cases of child abuse, domestic violence, and trauma but none relating to sexual violence which does make me think. was it too upsetting to include? too messy?

this show also shies away from structural violence and systemic problems, leaning more towards individual mistreatment and individual mental illnesses. the most troubling implication is how the murderer is written...honestly I think the murder plot is very jarring and doesn't fit the rest of the story at all. having the obsessive, abusive, controlling, murderous character so heavily tied to mental illness really weakens the message that people with mental illnesses and personality disorders are human beings deserving of compassion who have a high chance of experiencing, or are currently undergoing, some kind of trauma

like they could have very easily made their main villains the people who mocked and humiliated mst, or the politician who mistreated his bipolar son, or any of the abusive parents and spouses the patients encounter. but they had to make it this ~crazy~ woman who's oohh hiding in the shadows the whole time because she's so evil and sneaky and manipulative and loves tormenting the children she once knew. because...she's crazy?

related to that - that reveal came out of NOWHERE! now that I know who the murderer is, nothing changed. this was a pporly written reveal...no hints, no suggestions, it's nonsense. the character's behavior was exactly as expected of her in her role. no satisfaction in the rewatch, nothing new gleaned, and no way to predict this very random character was the killer. besides like, she has access to the hospital

and oh, a psych hospital for the site of a haunting. very original and not at all encouraging the very mindset it seems to be trying to counter

OH. also how did kmy grow up in a house with a father who tried to kill her? did she just live with him until she was 18? this was never explained

AND ANOTHER thing. I don't know if this is the same in SK but a pt with a brain tumor wouldn't even be in a psych hospital. that is a medical problem - unless experiencing depression or other psych issues, he would be in a cancer center! MAN

[primeministerofantarctica]

6, 19, 29!

6. What is your darkest fear about writing?

that my parents will find it. lol.

29. Where do you draw your inspiration? What do you do when the inspiration well runs dry?

I have NO idea, they just come to me ig

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

this is gonna be long so i'm gonna put it under a cut

So I always liked reading(shocker), and elementary school was VERY contributive to "staring at the wall and making up imaginary scenarios while everyone else learns maths", but I think it was my fifth grade teacher saying "hey, you know you're really good at this" that really solidified that oh, this is what I want to do with life. I'm going to be world-famous. The next Tolkien. I'm going to have an apartment in the City (tm) with a tiny office in the closet under the stairs covered in whiteboard and post-it notes.

It was around that time I discovered fanfic. Then everything went downhill. Jk jk. I wrote and posted one chapter of a thing. It was a self-insert fic. Basically a beat for beat retelling of my favorite movie, except I was there, and I had blue hair. Basically the definition of cringe. It's still up on FFN because I forgot my password and had to make a new account years later. If you find it please just put me out of my misery.

I wrote several more fics through middle and high school, but I didn't post anything. Was it anxiety and latent perfectionism issues? Possibly. There was an epic slightly less blatant self-insert smurfs saga (I thought it was a saga at the time, but looking back it was probably like 20k words. I don't have the files anymore, but I still remember a lot of it). There's a bnha fic that I still have but won't post because it is glaringly self-indulgent (and as of now, contradictory to canon. You snooze, you lose ¯\_(ツ)_/¯). There's several other stuff too; ideas that started but went nowhere, forgotten one-shots that just weren't working out.

ANYWAYS. We were talking about anxiety right? Yeah. So the REAL first fic I posted was in 2017, in my first year of college, and I can directly credit the ability to do that to reading The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Because Hitchhiker is ALL ABOUT POSITIVE NIHILISM. Basically "you are a tiny insignificant speck in the vast endless cosmos of the universe, so at the end of the day, who the fuck cares if you post a cringy fanfic". I still have anxiety, admittedly - it's not like it goes away overnight - but those feelings are becoming more and more tempered with years and, more importantly, practice.

So this is where I'm at now? I don't have any concrete plans for the future, I just want to keep writing. Maybe one day I'll solidify one of my half-formed original ideas and put that out too! I'm far past the belief that I can make a living off of it, but that doesn't really matter anymore.

[lindsayrises]

Yesterday

This is a long one.  I don’t really know how to do this whole “below the break” thing.  Hopefully it works!

Yesterday morning I went into work for a little bit.  Around 10:30 I looked at my messy desk and the piles of papers on the counter I wanted to organize before Monday.

I thought, “Just leave now, and you can come in early (like 4 or 5) and finish on Monday.”

Then i thought, “One of my new work rules is that I can’t arrive before 6.  Yeah, Monday would just be one day, but I can’t keep breaking these rules...these promises to myself.”  So I stayed a little longer and got enough done where I’ll come in on Monday (at 6) to a clean, organized space. 

For some reason I was really proud of this thought and decision.  It’s worth noting that all morning I felt SO happy! 

On the way home from work my stomach literally sank.  I just had this sinking feeling when I realized, “If I’m not working as much, what WILL I do?”  If you’ve followed along for a while, you might remember that for the past several years (I think it started in the Summer of 2016) I have mightily struggled with finding things to occupy my time. 

My body responds physically to the same way I respond to stress when i am asked the question, “What do you like to do for fun?”  I thought about it for a little, then put it out of my mind.

I went to the grocery store, got home, cleaned my house, started some laundry, did some cooking and meal prep, and was feeling okay.

Then I asked my friend to send me a picture of his new baby boy.  He sent me a picture of him holding the baby.  And I just started sobbing.  Not because of the kid thing, but because I feel so alone.  All the time.  I want someone to love me.  I want to have someone to love.  I want someone to do life with.  I am terrified I will never, ever have that.

I cried (hard...like, ugly, loud crying) for at least an hour.  During that time I had the following thoughts:

1.  I don’t like what my life is right now.  And I have no one to blame but myself - for the choices that brought me here, the missed opportunities....I just feel like I have fucked up so much.

2.  I work so much to stay busy and distract myself - so I don’t have to think about certain things (like being alone and feeling unlovable and other uncomfortable things) and feel certain feelings.  If I’m not working, I’m sleeping, or numbing out with food, shopping (usually online, sometimes in person), endless scrolling, watching TV, and sometimes (not every often) drinking.

3.  One thing that stands in between me and having some sort of hobby is that I feel like everything I do needs to have some sort of product or outcome.  To do something just because it’s fun?  That’s like a foreign concept to me.  Maybe I just make things too hard.

4.  I continue to think my body is fucking ruined, and it’s my fault.  I had a beautiful body - a body that made me feel beautiful, attractive, and confident - that I worked so hard for in 2011.  And then I threw it all away.

5.  I was getting dressed and I moved in a way that hurt my shoulder (the one I injured in January).  My IMMEDIATE thought?  I wouldn’t have hurt my shoulder if I wasn’t so fat.  How messed up is that thinking?  EVERYTHING goes back to my weight/size.  Every.fucking.thing.

6.  I don’t think I’m lovable, good enough, worthy of anything because of my weight/size.  I know deep inside that’s not true.  But it’s what I believe 99% of the time.  It’s soul-crushing.

7.  I think I might just print out this post and read it to M (therapist) on Monday.  I clearly have so much shit to work out (duh).

During this time I was texting Amy ( @honestlyamy​) and my friend/cousin Jessica.  Thank God for wonderful friends.

After that shitty hour+, I met up with Tim and Victoria ( @livinwithaltitude​ and @learning2manage​ ) at a winery to listen to some music and, well, drink some wine.  I managed to stop crying.  It was a beautiful night and it was so good to see T & V.  I might borrow one of Victoria’s bikes to see if it’s something I like doing.  For several years I’ve thought about buying a bike, but I honestly don’t know if I would actually use it.

When I got home, I ate a bunch of chocolate and drank some more wine.  Every now and then I got tearful.  I was doing some laundry and fell asleep in the guest bed.  I woke up once or twice in the middle of the night, but was able to fall back asleep relatively quickly.

I woke up at 3:30 this morning (without an alarm).  My eyes hurt from all of the crying from yesterday.  I will never, ever understand how I can go from being so happy to being such a mess a few hours later.  I think I was especially frustrated with the downhill slide because Thursday and Friday seemed to have such positive turning points.  I felt like I was on an upward trend.  I crashed hard yesterday.

Anyway, today is my self-care Sunday.  A few things the day will include:

OrangeTheory with one of my favorite coaches

New flowers (for home and classroom)

buy the best chocolate (some dark chocolate, caramel, sea salt combination thing from trader joe’s)

Candles going all damn day

meditate

yoga (like a super short 10 minute very beginner level video on youtube)

write some notes to people

drinking lots of water

eating food i have at home

journal

watch Hamilton (finally)

listen to music

snuggle with Ramsey

open the windows (it should be another beautiful day)

spend more time outside

possible car wash (it’s been a long time)

Other things I wanted to get done this weekend that I did yesterday:  drive in the country, work on my budget, go to the grocery store, spend time outside, do laundry, and clean my house.

So, I guess that’s all for now.  As my friend Jessica reminded me, there will be ebbs and flows.  And it’s okay to feel the highs and the lows.

If you’re still reading, you get a gold star!

I’ll leave you with this, in case you need to see it, too.  I saw it on one of my favorite IG accounts (blessingmanifesting) last night and, big surprise, I started crying. 

I hope today is whatever you need it to be.  

[marikaaajoy]

my relationship with digital art and how BNHA salvaged it

I just wanted to let out my thoughts but I can only do it here :>

This might be a downer for some people but I’d like to share it with people here. BNHA means the world to me and this is why.

I first started drawing when I was 7 years old in 2006

I think it’s ugly now, but 7 year old me remembered being so proud of this because this is a drawing of my stepfather. This is the only drawing I have that was from my childhood. I think the aim here is to draw in anime style BUT I didn’t even watch anime back then. I had a classmate who loves anime and she taught me to draw in school. Drawing became a favorite hobby immediately after that.

Then it was 2013 and I was 14 years old. Drawing is still my favorite thing to do besides being on the computer. I love anime at this point too. My parents bought an iPad for the whole family, but I was almost always the one using it. I discovered an app called ArtStudio and thought “Wow, I can draw without making a mess and with only my fingers” because I was always too lazy to take out my drawing materials and clean up afterwards.

These were my first digital drawings. The pirate one was the very first. I got obsessed real fast. I can color so easily, undo any mistake, layers are a blessing too. There was just so much more freedom. I always sucked at coloring in traditional art and I didn’t like the mess (idk my hands get so messy traditionally)

The next year, it was 2014, I was 15. My birthday is in a couple of months and I knew my parents were planning to buy me something pricey (I think it was a laptop) so I approached them and asked if they could just buy the Wacom Bamboo as a present which was cheaper anyway and I even explained how it works to them and how it would allow me to draw on the computer instead of the iPad. I tried really hard to be convincing. I would have prepared a powerpoint presentation if I had to.

They did give me the wacom as a present. They even gave it to me months before my birthday so I could use it already. I thought I was the luckiest teen in the world with my parents.

These are a collection of my favorite works from 2014 to 2016. The middle one was my second drawing using wacom and Paint Tool SAI. I was a part of a lot of fandoms in those years lol

It gets downhill from there :/

April 2016, my mom and I moved to Japan, while my stepfather and siblings stay in my country. It was tough. For someone who is obsessed with anime, you’d think I’d be thrilled to live in Japan.

I was. Though only at the first few months. It’s not the same as it’s portrayed in anime (I should’ve known but I used to be blinded by anime). It was just lonely. The language barrier sucked and then lots of financial and family issues until my parents split. I got my first boyfriend too and I thought I was blessed by the nicest boy, but the relationship became extremely toxic but I didn’t have it in me to walk away.

All the shit that happened affected me mentally and emotionally. My biggest outlet which was digital drawing, was also out of the question because I did not have a computer/laptop when we moved to Japan. We left it in our home for my stepfather and siblings, even the iPad. I have my wacom with me, but no computer/laptop to use it with. I couldn’t draw.

I tried though. I used my phone to draw, but it wasn’t the same. Then the life problems got piled up, things got worse, and I just lost motivation in anything. Literally anything. From 2016 to 2019, I stopped watching anime, I dropped out of all the fandoms I’m in, I stopped watching my favorite TV series or movies, and I stopped drawing. I even got a bit disconnected with my friends who lived in my country (we talk regularly online). My family was broken so I gave all my attention to my toxic relationship as well which made everything worse too lol

I didn’t draw besides from a few scribbles and the drawings above. I did try digital art on my phone a couple of times again and even posted them on my IG, but they weren’t any good. Eventually, I got mentally and emotionally drained and dropped out of senior high school. I just stayed home for almost a year, leeching off of my mom. I felt even more worthless and my life had no direction at this point. Nothing mattered anymore.

April 2019 or so I think, my (ex)bf bought me a laptop. He says it’s a gift, but I think the real reason was to make up for something horrible that he did (which is stupid because money /gifts won’t resolve anything). I have a laptop. I can draw again, but I didn’t. I didn’t care, I wasn’t interested in drawing anymore anyway.

Welp. June 2019, I went back to my country. My (ex) bf stayed in Japan. The distance helped me end the relationship and my friends were there (they always were) to help put me back together along with two trips to therapy. I went back to finish my senior high school in my own country this time. That said, I have to stay in my country for school (but I was happy because I didn’t wanna go back to Japan yet when the breakup was still fresh and with going back to school, my life has a direction again.)

It was weird. I remember just being sorta lost and confused because I used to put my time, effort and everything into my previous toxic relationship, which was now gone. I was free and I had so much free time that I didn’t know what to do with it. I got so used to doing nothing and being nothing.

This is where BNHA enters.

Dunno when it started, but I started seeing Bakugou frequently online. It’s usually just Bakugou. I knew who he was because my friend suggested BNHA to me back in late 2018 I think but I didn’t watch it since I’ve lost interest in everything at that point in my life.

But ye I thought he hot af but I still didn’t watch BNHA.

But then for some reason he REALLY kept appearing in my social medias and it was really frequent. The last straw was when I saw a pic of him in UA’s gym uniform and thought “damn boi aight imma watch bnha for u” (y’all gotta admit he looks good in those colors with his combat boots XD )

I watched BNHA. Fell in love with Iida along the way. Then I switched to Tokoyami (but Shoji was hot too so aaaaa), but then angry emotionally-constipated sea urchin head caught my heart again. But oof. BakuDeku moments really made me feel some type of way I haven’t felt since I moved to Japan. It felt new but nostalgic. I fell hard in that ship.

I started obsessing. From memes to posts to fanfictions to buying merch to filling my room with BNHA posters. I realized I was reverting to my old self from the time I was still happy and it was thanks to BNHA (and the good people who helped me through the worst too)

Shit I wanted to draw BNHA, I thought.

I mean, I have a laptop, I still have my wacom and drawing softwares. I could totally draw digitally again if I wanted to.

But guess what

I can’t :c

My hand physically cannot draw. My drawings don’t look the way I want them too. 3 years of not drawing really destroyed any skill I had. I was back to square one.

September (yeah they’re ugly, I laughed at it). If you’re wondering why I drew on paper, it’s because, for some reason, I really CANNOT draw digitally. I mean it. I can barely sketch digitally at this point. The lines and shapes just doesn’t come to life. They’re just scribbles. But somehow, I can kinda draw on paper with a ballpoint pen. But yeah, that was the best I could do at this point in my life

After that, I still tried to draw, to regain my old art style, but it didn’t happen... It just doesn’t look or feel the same. Drawing used to be fun. But during this phase, it felt like my ugly drawings were just mocking me (probably was just too emo that time lol)

Weirdly, around a week or two I think, after my half-assed attempts at drawing, I managed to draw digitally somehow o.o

I did a Midoriya and Todoroki drawing like this too. It was my first post here on Tumblr I think. The annoying part here is that I cannot draw digitally unless I draw on paper first, take a pic, and then trace the lineart. I couldn’t draw directly on the computer. Granted, drawing on paper and drawing on digital is very different for me in the first place anyway. But it was still a pain. And it still looked like shit. I can only draw stiff poses :/ it seems like my brain decided to delete all data about anatomy and posture and backgrounds. My lineart here is even messy af. It still really not the same as my old style.

By 2020, I think I got my old art style back. On March, I made this. This took me 27 total of hrs to make.

Right now, I think it’s not bad, but back in March, I was disappointed with the result. This is when I finally broke down crying because it didn’t look good enough and I hated that it took me 27 hrs to draw “bullshit.” I was angry at myself for losing interest in drawing for 3 years when I could’ve used that time to improve. I had to start all over again and it still didn’t look good. (Current me thinks that the drawing above is alright. I was just a lot harsher to myself back then. Used to have a lot of issues but I’m doing great now)

I cried myself to sleep that night. Woke up wanting to cry again. I wallowed in sadness for a couple of days. Eventually told my friends what’s up. Got some pep talk. Even talked to my sister (she’s great, she always hypes me up with my stuff and sometimes I think she’s my biggest fan with how she appreciates my drawings and I’m really grateful for that).

My world turned a 180 and I was weirdly positive after all that crying because brain chemicals and shit. I had a revelation. If I hate how my art style looked so much, then I should have been putting effort in changing my art style, not trying to regain my old art style (that I don’t like anymore)

I researched a lot. I analyzed different art styles and anatomy again. I did everything I could think of to find a style that works for me. I might have even neglected school for a bit to focus on digital art lmao

After all that work, I posted a fanart of middle school BakuDeku in their classroom. I love that fanart so much even if I probably have better ones by now because that was the first fanart I made that I felt like I could be proud of and it was the first one I made in my new art style. It was a milestone for me.

March 2020, I moved back to Japan and without the toxic relationship, I’m a lot positive now. Happy. I’m myself again after the previous bad years. I’m still continuously learning though, trying to improve, but at least, now, I found my own art style :) I really suck at interacting with people online, but I’m always grateful for the support everyone has been giving my fanarts. I’m happy when my content makes people happy.

This is why BNHA is important to me. The series is great alone, but it’s not just that to me. BNHA is so much more. It’s what made me find the passion to create again, only this time, it’s focused on drawing (I used to write, but now I just draw, but maybe I’ll write again for BNHA).

My family is supportive with my love for BNHA, but I think they don’t know the deeper reason why I love it. Sure, I was fine living on with nothing much going on in my life. I’ll finish school, get a job, work until I die or something. It was okay. It was the way of life. But BNHA gave my life color again. I wasn’t just blindly going through life anymore. I have something to look forward to everyday now. BNHA even became a bridge to other things. Ever since then, I’m a lot more open to people, to try new things, to explore and not just live through life and waste away. I got better at leaving my comfort zone. I’ve never been happier in my life :D

Thank you for supporting my fanarts. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to express myself through BNHA. I hope to make more content in the future and improve even more :)

[deathstrange]

                                         RABASTAN LESTRANGE.                                               twenty five. death eater. hufflepuff.                                                 charming. persuasive. creative.                                                  two faced. passive. sadistic.                                                        healer. chameleon.

                                   i will not be atlas with arms so bruised they are blue.                                                                  PINTEREST BOARD.

BACK TO BASICS.

name: rabastan emory lestrange. occupation: healer. nicknames: rab or rabbie.

+ charming, persuasive, creative, patient, clever. - two faced, sadistic, passive, entitled, superficial.

age: 25. date of birth: october 23, 1993. zodiac: scorpio. hometown: somewhere in england!!! to be determined!!!! current location: lives in a penthouse apartment in london. gender: cis male. pronouns: he/him. orientation: bisexual. spoken languages: english, french and german fluently. moral alignment: neutral evil / true neutral. element: earth / air. house: hufflepuff.

character insp: peeta mellark ( the hunger games ), achilles ( mythology ), finnick odair ( the hunger games ), lucifer ( mythology ), will halstead ( chicago med ).

BACKGROUND.

child neglect cw.

Rabastan grew up as the youngest of two brothers, the second in line to the throne. The second Lestrange. The backup. The extra, in case the first one broke.

Being the forgotten Lestrange had its perks, though. Rabastan became a golden boy in his own right, growing up in the shadows, with the same access to the riches, the luxury and the reputation that a proper Lestrange deserved. But none of the attention... or the burden of the Lestrange legacy. He was mostly seen as the baby Lestrange, the sweet, sweet boy who behaved like an angel, but wasn’t... all there. Thank god that he’s pretty, right? At least he’ll marry nice.

So maybe Rabastan grew a bit resentful against his parents. Decided that fuck them, I’ll do whatever I want.

But he still remained The Good Son, dutifully attending all his tutor sessions and all his classes. Smiled pretty at his parents’ parties. Was painfully polite to all their guests. Managed to charm the most rugged of dark wizards, weaseled his way in, with that slight smile and those big blue eyes and that weird talent of being scary good at guessing exactly what people wanted to hear. Probably stemmed from him always listening in, ya feel.

Def partly raised by house elves and maids. Was left wondering where his parents were at most of his childhood.

But 100% grew up idolizing his brother!!!!!! Thought he was the greatest thing to happen since sliced bread.

HOGWARTS YEARS.

So homeboy shows up at Hogwarts, and he’s absolutely fucking bursting with rebellion and a wish to do absolutely ANYTHING to fuck with his parents. Maybe.... idk.... to make them notice him for once.....

So what does he do? He pulls a Harry Potter !!!!!!! Asks the sorting hat to place him in any house but Slytherin, which it reluctantly agrees to do. And suddenly he’s sitting at the Hufflepuff table. 

Okay so, he started out as a pretty good Hufflepuff. Really hard working ( eager to prove himself ), very loyal, very modest ( he would get over that one, later. lmao ), so so sweet ( that one too, would not be permanent ) and overall just a good kid!!! 

Arrived at Hogwarts with the good ol’ “Rodolphus Lestrange’s baby brother” label already firmly slapped on him. All teachers compared him to his brother, which was a bitter pill to swallow. Was that all he’d ever be? For how long would he have to chase his older brother’s shadow? Never quite keeping up.

ANYWAYS. His parents weren’t exactly charmed by the fact that Rabastan didn’t follow the Family Tradition™ of ending up in Slytherin. Made for an awkward Christmas dinner, that year. 

Luckily ( or, perhaps, unluckily, for him ), he was quickly forgiven for his faults. The poor boy can’t help that no other house will take him, can he? 

But Rabastan made a life for himself in Hufflepuff. He went home every summer with grades that were almost flawless ( which rewarded him with a quick pat on the shoulder, some brief acceptance, before the family’s attention returned to work and far more important things than the non-heir ). He made friends. Moved in different social circles, quickly becoming a social chameleon, blending in just as well with the Hufflepuff kids as the Slytherin kids. In Hufflepuff, his actions spoke louder for him than his name did. In Slytherin, his name spoke louder for him than his house.

Was a bit of a party boy. Has definitively been found black out drunk in the prefect bathrooms more than once ( how did he get in there, u ask? his dazzling smile : ~ ) what else ! ).

Watched as the Dark Lord slowly rose to power, but never directly involved himself, and was very careful to not mention his own thoughts, instead always steering the conversation towards something else, or back towards the person he spoke to. 

Silently, Rabastan supported Voldemort, though. His agenda was appealing to him, sounded about right. And then there was the influence of his older brother, of course. Everything Rodolphus touched turned to gold, after all.

AFTER HOGWARTS.

alcoholism cw / murder cw / torture cw ( it’s going downhill from here ig)

Rabastan graduated Hogwarts with good grades, plenty of friends and a growing addiction to alcohol. 

Immediate decision after school was to go into emergency medicine, and he thus became a healer for St Mungos hospital. It was the glory he was after, the status. Helping people? Not really his primary concern.

Has sworn to do no harm wHICH HE DOESN’T!!!! WHILE AT WORK !!!!! What he does outside of work is a different story though. We all have our hobbies, guys!!!!

Started getting kinda tired of being known as the Idiot Lestrange after a while. Especially now that he was a healer. Slowly began dropping the dumb act, it rarely benefited him anymore anyways.

Slowly also became more involved with the Death Eaters, and eventually rose to a high enough position that he could be seen as someone to Count On. Which was all he really wanted, really. Homeboy is attention starved and wants recognition!!!! The Death Eaters fed into that, a lot. 

But anyways, he’s very lowkey about it. Even though his name is kinda sus, I guess? But other than that - Stealth mode.

Currently drinking himself into oblivion, when he’s not working :/

Not super into the whole torturing people thing, but has been assigned a lot of That Kind Of Work anyways (within the Death Eaters), because of his medical background : ~) He will slowly get more into it though, becomes a little bit darker the longer the war goes on. More willing to push past his limits, cross the lines he normally wouldn’t cross. We all know how far he’ll go, in the end.

Has lowkey developed two distinctive personalities over the years - two sides of the same coin that can be flipped as easily as you turn on/off the lights. There’s the good guy, the healer, the smiling pretty boy that knows exactly what to say to get you to take a step closer to the edge, and then there’s the very bad man, who’s drunk, trying to kill you and has forgotten who he is. Which one is the real Rabastan !!!! We don’t know !!!!

Deadass reverts straight back to his Hogwarts self whenever he’s at a family gathering. 

REALLY loves his job !!!! Is good at it too and works really hard !!! Loves the kick of the adrenaline rush when he saves someone, or when someone acknowledges his work.

PERSONALITY.

alcoholism cw.

Bit of a disaster, really.

Probably trying to charm u out of ur life savings right now

Typical Bad Influence, tbh

SOCIAL CHAMELEON!!!! 

Never shows his anger and ends up burying it deep down instead until he eventually snaps.

Responsibility? Not his thing. Taking responsibility for his actions? Also not his thing.

He’s really out there repping the whole irresponsible younger brother stereotype!!!

Still a bit of a party boy, tbh.

Kinda vain. Knows that he’s good looking and doesn’t rly understand 100% why other people wouldn’t think that he’s god’s greatest gift to mankind. 

Has deep rooted commitment issues and can’t commit to anything, except work & his brother, to save his life

Also has deep rooted trust issues probably.

Likes plants a lot but keeps killing them :(

Very good at reading people!!!! 

Surprisingly good cook!!!! But can only follow like five recipes. :/

Can go from being a tall dark stranger to a golden retriever puppy within seconds.

There is so much hate in him, but he’s not sure what for. Somewhere deep down, he hates his parents, he hates himself, he hates his family line and what they’ve forged him into. But that’s a little too painful to bear ( and Rabastan has always been the type to run away from his problems, refuse to shoulder the burden of anything that might bruise his arms / his heart !!! ), so he channels all that hatred into something else.

Has Opinions™ about muggle technology but still uses an iPhone. Hypocrite.

Constantly craving attention and will do anything to get it. He’s looking for acknowledgement and praise, tbh? Can def be a textbook people pleaser, too.

Can be so so so cruel and cold, it’s a bit scary really. 

Somehow also the best listener? Gifts from his childhood, I guess!

More of an emotional torturer, than anything. Likes playing with people’s feelings and their heart strings. Favorite hex is the imperius curse.

How to break someone down emotionally 101 by Rabastan Lestrange.

Used to have a heart !!!!!! Lost it a long time ago though. It’s rotting, now.