#well like 45 minutes but yknow

[heyitslapis]

Walked out of work today bc long story short a guest decided that she was gonna lecture me/use me & my "abhorrent, disrespectful attitude" as an example of a lesson for one of her student & I decided that standing there & being belittled wasn't worth it

[i-cant-sing]

Dr snow i have a phobia from dentists. Should I be scared of you too ?

some mom's tell me to scare their kid so that they listen to her and yknow im all for putting up the most dramatic performance of my life.

jk jk. actually, i think that everyone has a little bit of dental phobia, no matter what age. anyone, including me, once we get into that dental chair, we're all scared because im ngl- while it is rare, accidents do happen.

but ive gotten equally good at managing dental phobic patients. I'm very good at distracting patients and the key is to lie so elaborately and keep on talking about ANYTHING, so that the patient's brain is too overstimulated to even think about the pain or needle or anything. the 75 year old has her eyes wide because she's listening to me telling her about how I had to make a fancy dinner for 25 people and no one said THANK YOU! none of that happened, but she felt seen because she came from a background where she had to be slave over the hot stove and have ungrateful ass kids and husband and in laws. so in a way, i healed her, i acted as a therapist and a dentist. and i didnt get paid, so she sympathised for me <3333

best thing about my job personally is 1. gaslighting. i just love telling these elaborate stories to distract patients. 2. these old patients, grandparents type- they're so sweet and they're giving me blessings and duas and wishing me all the luck and patting my head, all because i LISTENED to them. anyone couldve treated their tooth, but no one took the time to listen to these lonely patients. they just wanna be heard, be seen. like i remember this old verteran who was telling me his war tales and even though i couldnt understand most of his story because he had a dialect and also he had no teeth, but u best believe i sat there for 45 minutes asking me to tell him just how he operated the machine gun, all his badges and medals. my man gave me blessings and prayers, and if i were to even mess up his denture, he wouldve forgiven me because i took the time to listen.

its really gratifying when u see how happy patients and their family is, how they give u sweet duas and wish u so well. its one the main reasons that i wanted to become a doctor, because i heard how sweet these patients were to my brother. they would be crying tears of joy to him, thanking him for everything and all.

[hellkitepriest]

ee @ jacaranda baltic, liverpool

it’s, once again, haphazardly-written everything everything show debrief time. these shows were advertised as having signings after, which they then cancelled for schedule reasons but said they would be hanging around after, but we lurked a bit and all we saw was jeremy RUNNING into a van that then drove off. so.

@shallowtboy and i spent most of the day wandering around various galleries and museums which was lovely even if half the places we attempted to go were closed. the gift shop of one of the places we went had these tiny 2x2x2 rubiks cubes on keychains, which OBVIOUSLY we ended up buying, because, well. yknow. we went to the pub to eat first and badly followed too many online guides on how to solve 2x2x2 cubes, and i realised rapidly i have absolutely none of the spatial reasoning skills to be able to know what i was doing. i am now 100x more in awe of alex robertshaw than i was.

when we arrived to the venue we could hear the first show of the day still hadn’t finished, because s/s/w/d was leaking out of the walls of this very nice former brewery (what a joy! to hear it!), and nobody else was waiting outside so we went to the pub next door (and used bill clinton’s autobiography as a fortune-telling device) until ~45 minutes before doors. we got chatting to some lovely people in the queue. i will never tire of hearing strangers mention dave sardine out loud irl.

they let us in out of the rain finally, and we ran right to the front, securing the coveted middle-left-right-between-jon-and-alex spot at the barrier which was INHUMANELY close to the stage. if i’d tried hard enough i could’ve reached over and started poking at alex’s pedals, haaa. we watched pete come on and warm up by playing scales on the keyboard for a bit. i followed the Pope on twitter.

the show was INCREDIBLE, because we were in this tiny sweaty low-ceilinged basement with 450 other people and everyone there was clearly SO into it (the guy behind me was yelling along to every lyric so loudly and violently! yes!! good!!!) which culminated in all this sweaty rowdy energy that jon was so clearly feeding off of. he did at one point say “this is the best one of these we’ve done so far” but i’m not convinced he doesn’t say that to everyone. there was a massive metal pillar on the stage between him and jeremy that he kept leaning against/holding and swinging around towards the latter half of the set. he did definitely make eye contact with me at one point, mortifyingly, and i’m also pretty sure he noticed shallowtboy and i doing our newest Bit of “point at pete every time he hits the Distant Past Button during distant past”, whoops. we came here to have an absolute nonsense time, what can i say?

the energy was just SO powerful and jon was really leaning into it, including one bit during no reptiles where he growl-yelled FUUUCK off-mic which i will be thinking about for the rest of my life. sorry everyone! alex robertshaw was exactly as strange on stage as you expect him to be, but he did occasionally smile at the others in a sort bemused way, like “wow they really are loving this”. he kept switching between eyes-closed-standing-there-gently-wiggling Standard Alex Stuff and occasional wide-eyed what-looked-like-fear whenever he actually bothered to look up at the crowd. alex pls. we are harmless. i have a rubiks cube in my bag for you to sign. (AND YET IT REMAINS UNSIGNED… HOPEFULLY THEY ACTUALLY DO THE SIGNING WHEN I AM AT MY NEXT SHOW ON FRIDAY… THIS BIT HAS GONE ON TOO LONG)

it was special and intense and shallowtboy and i are doing it all again on friday, with about 300 fewer people in attendance. please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. also jon had a little jason voorhees pin on his guitar strap.

[koukaaa-descent]

ALSO TELL ME ABOUT LAMP PLEASE

YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!! HI HOLLIE HI ROSE

lamp isn’t technically an oc I was just thinking Damn… wouldnt it be funny if a jester had a mask and it glowed when it was popped and it was like a fucked up desk lamp… and then things Happened in my brain.

Lamp is roughly 26 years old and will probably reach the age of 45, contrary to normal jester lifetimes (up to 150). this is definitely because of the mask latched onto its right eyesocket, slowly devouring it!

It has not ever met Indigo or Monsoon, and it’s sort of debatable whether or not it exists in the same universe.

Together, the jester and mask create a gestalt :] (in simpler meanings. think of the relationship parasitic fungi have with ants, minus the immediate death of the host!)

The jester half of the relationship is mostly conscious and deeply murderous. The mask half is significantly more docile in behaviors, relating to a regular masked’s habitual stalking and whatnot. It’s not exactly used to possessing a body that’s not explicitly human shaped, so there’s been some complications.

As time progresses, Lamp (as a singular entity) will decay as any usual host will. At one point, the jester half will be subsumed by the mask and entirely absorbed and overtaken.

The reason there’s a mask latched onto its skull is because some random employee majorly panicked and threw a comedy mask at it, which actually helped them escape.

Lamp is constantly bleeding. Normally, a jester doesn’t explicitly bleed; it’s just a mushy mass of preserved flesh that’s nowhere near as fragile as it seems. Because of the mask’s slow consumption and the depth that the mask’s roots have dug into as well as its small amount of experience regarding non-humanoid hosts, Lamp is basically dealing with over a dozen open wounds at all times! Existing is agonizing!

Since the jester wasn’t fully possessed during the first initial attempt, the mask is only able to influence its behaviors and subtly direct it to do other things. For example, if lamp were to chase down a crew mate and the mask didn’t want said crew mate to die yet, it would be able to slow its movements and redirect it briefly in order to give that individual a little more time. It’s not able to stop Lamp from killing them, however.

Lamp does not need to eat. It’s actually unable to because of the mask’s roots. It’s… not a pretty sight, inside of the box. It’s really not.

Collectively they combined create ‘lamp’. Otherwise, they’re both just regular individuals of both species.

Lamp cannot wind very quickly, and the song is very broken up. Leave it to a mask to mangle all of the careful things going on in the box (the jester is very pissed about this but cannot do anything about it)

The jester is effectively blind. The mask is not. The jester has an amazing sense of hearing and senses vibrations very well. Combined, you’ve got every crew’s worst nightmare—if Lamp can actually wind itself. It takes longer than two minutes, that I can assure you.

There was one single occasion when Lamp fell down a flight of stairs. It was embarrassing, because there was another masked at the bottom. Lamp mauled it out of embarrassment and generally murderous instinct. (The mask itself was not happy about this.)

The relationship it has with other Masked is very very complicated. Over time, as the jester half is consumed, affectionate interactions come easier. Currently, about two months into being stuck together, Lamp has a greater tendency to avoid masked or otherwise murder them. The instinct to grab them and shake like a rabid dog is so prevalent that the Mask cannot even begin to attempt to suppress it.

It Can vomit blood as a regular masked would. It’s kind of like a firehose, though. Like, yknow how a pressure washer can remove flesh from bone? Short range with a very long ‘recharge’. Mainly because there’s not as much blood in its body as you’d expect.

They are two individual beings shoved into one body, one of which is significantly ’fainter’ than the other. There has been more than one occasion where the jester half has attempted to claw the mask off with its singular hand. It has not worked.

Yes, the blood boils. It’s steadily eroding Lamp’s ‘skull’ away, and eating through the box. The skull will eventually have enough grooves and wedges that it just falls apart. The box will experience this as well.

It’s not outright hate; the jester dislikes the mask as one would dislike a spider trapped in their closet. Annoying. Not really bothered by death, just sort of begrudgingly wandering around with it. It doesn’t have the real capability to remove it nor does it retain enough of itself to hate it.

i barely think about lamp im ngl … I made all of this up on the spot thankyou 2 for askign..

[auriidae]

stream of consciousness ramble warning but okay so i clicked on bdubs' latest hermitcraft video to test out the trick in that last post i reblogged because it was at the top of my youtube recommended and 45 minutes later i am reminded of why i still LOVE hermitcraft after all these years like !!!!! i hadn't watched a single s10 video before just now bc tbh i kinda feel like it's been going too fast for me recently? i'm a 'rewatch the same bits over and over + get to new videos only when i'm in the right mood' kind of guy who's still mentally stuck in s6 haha but ohh my goodness watching this made me go like OH THEYVE STILL GOT IT yknow what i mean? just a friendly reminder that the hermits r such skilled artists and entertainers :] and BDUBS IN PARTICULAR like don't get me started. i've been a primarily and p much only grian + scar watcher since the veeery beginning (well. since s6 <og desertduo enjoyer let's GO) but ccbdubs does the things i love about ccgrian + ccscar's videos so well. his videos are beautifully edited and his builds are ART (the waterfall in his forest holyyy crap? and the palette of the brewery. gah). like mans has been hyped up in the other cc's videos for a REASON. also he's freaking hilarious idk how people skip even his ad breaks because they always make me smile. BUT ANYWAYS i've def been focusing more on the character/fandom/duos aspect of hc + the life series recently (looks at my entire blog) but wauhhh every so often i'm reminded that i'm here for the ccs and their creations just as much <33333

[chocoenvy]

heyo, it’s me pretty anon. (i like it better than bully anon too :))

i think i fucked up

so, i’ll keep this simple since i need to go to bed cause it’s like 4:30am and i get up at 8 lmao.

since the cruise my dad and step-mom decided to physically split as well. my dad is signing for a divorced in the next couple of days. my step-mom is in a completely different state rn with her youngest daughter and mother. my mom mom doesn’t know about the divorced and honestly i think no one’s told her since we don’t wanna hear it.

so um, i haven’t really gotten a chance to talk to anyone about this stuff since i live in a small town and everyone knows everyone yknow? so firstly, thank you for letting me vent. it’s nice to talk to someone the same age anonymously. you give good advice.

anyway, all of this has kinda been building up on me, which is super weird cause i thought i wouldn’t care. i’m a senior in high school rn so it’s not like i can’t go visit her once i graduate. and my dad and step mom are both encouraging me to keep up a relationship with her. she wasn’t really around much and when she was it was only ever good one on one since with my dad it would be borderline abusive. (or maybe actually abusive, i’m not really sure i know how to identify it. it just seems normal to me)

my dad also asked me if i had contacted my step mom like a couple days after she left. i’d been wanting to but i had no idea what to say to her. so i didn’t. he said to me, and i don’t think i’ll ever forget this, “oh. i thought you loved her.” in the most casual tone. my heart is broken. i got really upset with him and he literally could not comprehend why. i’m starting to second guess myself if i loved her or not. i know for a fact that i did, but does she know it?

so yknow the new ios 16 update? weird change of pace i know but i swear it’s important. well i just decided like an hour ago to get it and i fucking hate it. fun fact, if you have spotify on and your phone turns off then they change YOUR LOCKSCREEN to match the spotify song. wtf. well i started off hating it cause i had to scroll through over 2,000 photos just to find the exact same ones i was currently using (it’s venti and xiao btw) and i started hyperventilating.

well i was doing my daydreams when i realized the spotify thing. and i completely stopped. i had a full blown panic attack for at least 45 minutes. i was hyperventilating so hard i honestly thought i was going to passed out. i later down so i at least wouldn’t fall and everything.

i think i panicked because of all the penh up emotions that i have going on rn.

after i finally calmed down, i went over to plug in my chrome book for school. and then i remembered i had an eyebrow razor in my backpack…

i think you know what i meant when i said i fucked up.

it was only four cuts. not deep enough to draw blood except for one, all tiny on my thigh where no one can see them. i can’t believe i did it though. and the worst part, the absolute worst part is, the relief i felt? it’s like i actually have control.

i know you said the ice cube method. i’ve actually told other freinds going through a hard time about it too. but at the moment, i just wasn’t thinking straight.

im scared im gonna do it again. any ideas on what i should do? lol

with love, pretty anon

HELLO PRETTY <33 I'm so sososososo sorry for answering this so late but!

tw: self harm, relapses, sensitive topics

It's completely valid and I cannot fault you for relapsing it is a very normal part of healing. So long as you get back up, everything will be okay I promise.

But! I remembered an app that I had come across some years ago. I forgot the name and when I tried to look it up i found calm harm.

The app I thought of describes self harm as a wave. The want to harm yourself flows in and then out. It comes and goes. The trick is to distract yourself before the feeling takes over your actions. Calm Harm definitely helps with it from what I've seen. I've never tried these apps though. There are also counters that count how long you've gone without cutting if that kind of thing helps.

Would definitely recommend! As well as watching videos or creating a playlist full of videos/songs that make you happy! Find something that makes you happy and hold onto it for when you need it! I can completely understand not being in the right state of mind and forgetting it which is why you should have it on your phone so you can access it before you can access something else. It also helps if you're ever in public - or even in private - and need to calm down.

Gather resources to prepare for these down times. It'll help!

I understand that self harm can feel good, god trust me I know, but it's not worth it. There are other things that can make you feel better than self harm can. And I can't speak for you but after I self harm I just feel so much shame?? And fear?? Mostly because I don't want someone to find them but I just feel ashamed.

I can't explain it and I really don't have much room to talk because I'm still stuck in self harm. But if it means anything, I would be very proud to see you heal from this <3

I'm glad you can talk about this anonymously but if you ever need to talk to me one on one my dms are always open <3

Take care! And I'm sorry for answering so late, I hope you're okay <33

[homosexchad]

accidentally educating well meaning but confused cis people seems to be my new vibe lol

im mostly stealth irl but since i'm getting top surgery this summer and a couple of irl friends were like "omg why are you getting surgery? are you dying? are you ill?", i came out to some of them bc fuck it.

anyway, one girl asked how it worked and i mentioned scar care and she was so confused. turns out she thought that every top surgery consisted of basically vacuuming the tit out and then being fine the same day. bruh.

my college tutors were baffled, but in a chill way. ended up turning my 5 minute "ok, here's how we'll tell your apprenticeship employer" meeting into a 45 minute deep dive where i accidentally radicalised one of my tutors because he genuinely thought transitioning was like a "go to the GP and you're done in a year" thing, and not a 4 year waitlist, 1 year diagnosis, blood tests, more waiting, hormones, then a constant uphill battle, a year of appointments for a referral, years of waiting for surgery, weight limits with no wiggle room, etc.

the weight limit thing really confused him, he was like "but you're not even fat!" and i was like "well, first of all, i am" and then explained the additional risks and how pretty much every surgeon in this country has a BMI limit of 30, which is part of the reason i'm glad to be able to go private bc i'd have to lose about 20kg to be eligible for most NHS surgeons, and going abroad is??? a bit too scary for me lol.

he asked about GRCs and i explained how they work and what they do and he was shook lol. i was like yeah bro, i've got 7 years of evidence and my statutory declaration but no NHS diagnosis, and they won't accept my private doctor's diagnosis bc they're not The List of Approved Doctors so i've been waiting for this NHS appointment for years.

"how much is it for you to go private?? it's hOW MUCH?? EVERY MONTH?? how much is surgery? IT'S WHAT NOW?!?! is there a payment plan? NO?!??!"

homie asked when the next protest was 😂

he said i can contact him whenever i want to get stuff off my chest about this topic and for once i was like yknow what. yes it's frustrating that there's an expectation for me to educate others, but also like. there's so much misinformation online rn about how transitioning works, what legal transition looks like, what the legal rights are, that it's kind of chill. i have the energy, and if it's a well meaning person that i know well enough i'm kind of chill with it.

[little-klng]

Wait wait wait tell us abt the Walmart piercer please!! That sounds horrible!

WHEEZE so like, graphic description+picture of scarring from a botched piercing below the cut,, but,,

I have 8 total ear piercings (I do intend on getting more) but currently only have 4 in one ear and 2 in the other, and the two most recent holes on my left ear are closed up and scarred over. I've always gotten them done at Walmart (because all of them were from childhood where I didn't get a choice of piercer), and for the last set of earrings I got (the ones that are closed now) I was 18 and tried very very hard to convince my mom to let me get them done by a real piercer and not a piercing gun. I tried to explain that they're dangerous and result in infections really often because the people using them often aren't trained very well and they're rarely actually sanitized. I didn't have control over my own transportation at the time, so I didn't have a way to do it differently when my mom said "no it's fine, we've both always gotten them done by piercing guns and it's never gone bad" (not true, she has something like 12 piercings and has had to have several redone too)

So we end up going to Walmart to get it done, and red flag #1 they had to redo the pen mark like 4-5 times to line up the piercings evenly on both sides, red flag #2 the piercer didn't actually speak to me, she spoke to my mom and barely looked at me except to line up the gun, and red flag #3 she was also chatting to her coworker more than she was paying attention to what she was loading into the piercing gun (we had to stop her and course correct that they had to be *gold bars*, not silver, because I'm allergic to metals that aren't gold and it'll need to come straight out and a new one will need to be put in. We already picked the bars, she just had a few out and kept picking up the wrong ones because she wasn't paying attention. Bonus red flag, she didn't sanitize the piercings or the gun, and when I pointed it out, she basically ignored me and told my mom instead that "we sanitize it afterwards anyway, so it doesn't matter" (basically hoping+assuming the person before her had done a good enough job, however long ago that was)

First pierce went "okay" (it was a little crooked but didn't hurt much, it was only later when I needed to change the bars for hoops that I realized how crooked, because it still lies weird in my ear and pointed towards my face instead of straight ahead) but the second one was 1. No warning 2. Extremely painful and made me flinch with the gun still in my ear because 3. She had fully turned her head away from me to talk to a passing customer she knew and was excited to see right before she pulled the trigger. The result was a hole that was in the wrong place entirely (too far down, close to another piercing below it), very bleedy/weepy, and a weirdly "corkscrewed" hole? When I had to change the bar to a hoop, it took 45 minutes and a LOT of tears to twist it around inside until it finally came out the other side. For the year that I insisted on keeping it in (because I couldn't redo it) (personal reasons yknow how it is) I suffered constant reinfections, internal pus spots inside of my ear, ear infections in general, migraines, generally getting sick more often, infection of the already-established piercing below it, and eventual rejection of both the original and lower piercing that meant I had to remove and close both holes and just bank on being able to repierce as an adult (I was 18 when it was pierced, 19 when this happened, and I'm turning 23 this year and it's still not redone lol)

Here's how it looks now, sorry about the blurry photo, my phone won't focus properly in front cam mode

You can see just how long I let them both reject for before I gave up lmao (scars are the puffy lighter parts above the two hoops, for those unfamiliar)

And here's the other side, so you can see just how crooked that piercing really is. No, I'm not holding my ear weird, it just sits like that and bothers me when I wear headphones. I considered letting this hole close too and just getting it redone, but I wanted to talk to a real piercer first and get their opinion on if it can be fixed first since I've never actually spoken to one or know the limitations of piercing over existing scars

Anyway yeah don't do piercing guns, kids, and don't make your kids do piercing guns either if they ask you for a real piercer appointment :|

[starswallowingsea]

okay so

i've been doing some thinking about the broader world for my kaokana fic especially wrt the other eccentrics since i have kanata and rei somewhat figured out (you wont see rei in the uploaded chapter but he's got a significant role in the next part i have written so consider this somewhat spoilers though idk how much of it is going to be included explicitly in the rest of the fic so yknow).

so kanata is a mermaid. obviously. he's kind of in the same position as kaoru being like a prince of his kingdom except they are also like. a religious compound thing. i didnt want to deviate too much from his canon in that aspect. madara is assigned as his protector for a while and at the point that i have written is the one covering for kanata behind the scenes and that probably wont ever be talked about in detail unless i try to write from kanata's pov which. i dont want to. but madara is also a mermaid and presumably so is souma and anyone else involved with the shinkai family.

rei... rei is a vampire whose family is involved in the court of kaoru's family, and they work together for their best interests and kaoru's father is like. aware that they're vampires but is chill about it since his wife was [redacted] <- definitely spoilers. however, kaoru's father is also a paranoid man and has kaoru try and get information not just from rei about his family's true intentions or any weak points that he can use as blackmail, but also from the other children of his court advisors (koga and adonis are a part of this too, though i think they will have a minor role for the most part aside from one scene i'm still workshopping how it will happen).

now the other three eccentrics i dont plan on having make a major appearance in this fic but i kind of love this little universe that i've built so i do have an idea of where they fit into this whole thing.

wataru i think would be some sort of trickster or fae. he's definitely messed with kaoru's family before with little pranks but prefers to do like. traveling magician shows. he's got a little cart that gets pulled around and he starts with simple tricks and escalates quickly over the course of the show which is typically like 30-45 minutes or however long it takes for someone to call law enforcement on him. rei thought he had a great show and they hit it off and now rei helps get him the proper permits so he can do an actual show and not get chased off, at least in their kingdom.

shu... probably the hardest one to place. i read a fic once where he was a tailor who wove magic into his craft which i thought about incorporating but i also dont want to straight up plagarise that idea yknow. so thinking about it more i think he'd be some sort of demon or devil, also probably high ranking in his kingdom. he's still obsessed with chasing perfection, though his lack of interest in politics, much like in kaoru's case, causes him to not get along with his family. he'd much rather focus on his art. he frequents art museums and shows in his kingdom despite his family's wishes.

natsume was easy. he's a sorcerer or a wizard or something along those lines, probably still an apprentice under someone else high up in the government. his family is still lower class and he tries to bury that when on the clock, so to speak. still probably not very well known, though he's very talented and his mentor speaks very highly of him at every opportunity

[axesilly]

i cant afford therapy so im going to talk about my troubles on here because i dont know what else to do 👍 i dont know if this will reach anyone but it might make me feel better. sorry if its a bit lengthy, ive had these feelings for a while

for the sake of anonymity and my own safety i will not be mentioning any names of people, towns, or schools :]

so im in college, im an art major. im from a small town with nothing to do except go to a mall the next town over and im going to college in another small town 5 hours away from home. this small town also has jack shit to do unless you drive 45 minute to an hour away. im currently in my spring semester of my freshman year and i have gotten so absolutely mentally and physically drained since i got a fast food job. i got a job making pizzas at yknow one of those big chain corporations pizza places, and the store i work at has only been open a few months. its absolutely chaotic and no one knows how to do anything except a few select people. my boss, the general manager, also doesnt know how to do anything because its his first time doing something like this. one of the other managers also only works there because hes friends with the general manager and he is not the greatest person, as he tends to sexually harrass the staff including a friend i made there. now ive already put in my two weeks last saturday, but that doesnt take away from how drained this job has made me.

Since the spring semester started ive been constantly piled with work (one week i was scheduled 6 days in a row when i had a big project to work on, i had a breakdown at work to my general manager), writing assignments, and project after project. (not even kidding my drawing professor gives us a new project the same day we turn one in) in my senior year of high school i loved fine arts and i believed that i wanted to follow in my art teachers footsteps and pursue my love of art and make art for my career. and while i do still love fine arts and making art, i just cannot do this constantly. since just before my spring break i started not going to my classes as consistently and i swore to myself i would start going again after the break. well that break just made it worse it seems because everything has just gone more and more downhill. i have still been missing classes because some days its difficult to get out of bed and i do not have the motivation to go to class just to sit there and not be able to pay attention for an hour/hour and a half. im behind on a project for one of my classes because i havent gone since ive been back from spring break (two weeks). i have an exam for one of my classes soon and im not even close to prepared. i had a 3 page essay due last night i started but havent finished (luckily i can turn it in a little late). it may sound lazy but these are my real struggles with my mental health. i feel trapped here. i do have a license and a car, i do have transportation so i can go places, but its such an old car it has so many problems (one which has arisen recently being if i stop somewhere and turn my car off, it wont crank back up immediately and i have to wait 10-15 minutes, and once it is on i have to revv it to make sure it stays on). so because of car problems and currently living in a small town im frustrated because it feels like i cant go anywhere to do anything fun. i feel trapped in my dorm and in my mind.

now comes the college problem. the college i go to currently is a nice school, i get 8 meals a week on my meal plan included in my tuition. theres several places to choose from the eat at, theres a gym, free health exams i think. but its driving me insane seeing the same old brick buildings every damn day. i currently dont have a roommate so im in a dorm by myself which probably contributes to this feeling of lonliness. i dont really have many friends, i had more last semester but they did not keep in touch. i do have one friend that i appreciate very much and she always worries and wants to help when she sees im upset. shes a real one. but seeing the same things, learning about the same repetitive lessons every single day, has driven me insane. my art history class has been the same topics since the start of the semester, its all been about works of art pertaining to jesus, and mary, and god and the angel telling mary shes pregnant and marys purity and this symbolizing that and i understand why its important to learn about these works of art and how they have shaped art today, but i cannot stand hearing the same things over and over. im not a christian, and i dont believe theres anything wrong with christianity as long as youre not hurting anyone with your beliefs, but these topics are so repetitive ever class i have. the semesters almost over and we havent even gotten to modern art yet, and in my opinion thats what truly matters to learn about because thats what we as artists would need to look at to have a reference for how we should make our art right? art is about expressing yourself and we need to see how others making art in the modern era are expressing themselves as well. and on the topic of expressing ourselves, my drawing class, every single project, my professor has us stick to such strict criteria. one of my projects my professor actually really liked, i liked, but she took points off because i had my girlfriends name written very small where you could barely even see, because we were not supposed to have any text. i feel like i cannot even be creative and truly express myself with these projects. i dont feel like i have any real freedom with them. i love fine arts and i love making art, but not when its like this. i want to be able to make my own art that actually expresses my feelings, not someone elses criteria. because of all of this my grades have been rapidly dropping.

now i have already made the decision weeks ago that i will not be returning to this school in the next fall semester. i discussed this with my mom already as she does the majority of my paperwork and things for this stuff. she wants me to transfer to a college closer to home so i can atleast get a general studies degree. but thats not what i want to do either. she told me not to flunk my classes this semester because that will make it difficult to transfer me to another school, but how do you expect me to get good grades when i constantly feel like im in hell in my mind. i mentioned wanting to maybe take a gap year, she doesnt want me to do that. school is horrible for my mental health like this, i dont understand why society thinks we should just have everything we want to do with the rest of our life figured out immediately out of high school. well i dont. and i dont want to stay in college immediately out of high school. i want to go live my life! me and my girlfriend are long distance (we have met in person several times and shes actually coming to visit me this month, but just seeing each other for a week at a time is not enough) and i really want to go live with her! i want to enjoy living and living with the person i love more than life itself! i currently dont feel like i can do that here or back home. i want to move somewhere else with my girlfriend so we can both be happy and love life. i want to move out of state to a slightly bigger city, nothing crazy like new york or atlanta, but just somewhere bigger than a small town with nothing to do whatsoever. i do have a place in mind but im not going to say where. and when i move, after a year i can qualify for in state tuition and pursue something that makes me happier. ive always loved animals and marine animals so i was thinking i could major in zoology and marine biology and work at an aquarium or something while im working on my degree. and i dont fully know how the paperwork and things work for transferring and such, especially after a break, so i could be in the wrong, but is it really wrong for wanting the best for myself?

and to be honest with myself i know exactly why im in college and its not to get a degree. i was raised constantly being compared to my siblings. my brother is trans (which my parents are very obviously not too fond of) dropped out of college and joined the military. my sister dropped out of college after a semester, got married to a horrible man who she just recently divorced after having two children with him. and being compared to them all my life, especially to my brother, made me want to be better than them. i wanted to be the one, as the youngest, to be the first one to get through college immediately, all four years, no problem. but its just too much for me. and dropping out, moving away, im terrified. im terrified that my parents will be disappointed in me. im terrified of that face my mother makes, that tone of voice, when shes disappointed in me for something. im terrified of getting lectured and told why everything i want is wrong. its irrational. and im terified if i move away i wont have her support anymore. i wont have her to lean on when i need help with something. i was never taught where to go or how to do stuff for applying to colleges and transferring. i barely know how to do my taxes.

now i really dont know what this article-like rant of a tumblr post is gonna do. i know i dont really have a following and i dont really post on here. but i just thought itd make me feel better to collect my thoughts and put them all together like this. so far the only people concerned about me have been my girlfriend and a couple of my friends ive told about these problems. not even my professors are concerned about me, i havent even gotten a single email or question about how im doing. they say theyre all for mental health but when a student stops coming to class as often suddenly and starts failing or not turning in assignments its none of their business and i must just be getting lazy and im a horrible student yknow? anyways i think thats about it for this. again i dont really know what this will do but i hope someone has advice or support or something. im going insane here.

love to anyone else suffering similar struggles <3

[jinxedshapeshifter]

Yknow what. I'm gonna make this post because I saw a Twitter thread and I think it's important.

Allistic people need to stop co-opting clinical terms for AuDHD experiences.

Hyperfixation and special interest are both clinical terms used to describe experiences exclusive to autism (in the case of special interests) and ADHD, and neither of them are fun to experience. Let's go over the two terms before I go any further.

Special Interest

A special interest is a usually lifelong interest exclusive to autism that usually starts in childhood (and is part of the diagnostic criteria; I don't remember if it's required or not). An autistic person can have multiple special interests as far as I know. Personally my primary special interest is zoology, and has been for as long as I can remember. I have an additional special interest in neurology that started because I had a seizure when I was 10 and I've been fascinated by neurology ever since, to the point I'm tempted to try to become a neurologist myself (technically this special interest is actually in medicine in general but I had this seizure and sorta honed in on neurology in addition to having a special interest in medicine lol). From my experience, the intensity of a special interest can wane and wax over time, but they're a constant in your life. For me personally, my special interest in zoology is more likely to be prominent if I'm hyperfixated on something involving animals (like Sonic or my furry OCs).

Here's the thing though: I have been subtly implied to be a predator because of my extensive knowledge of animals. I'm literally just someone who does way too much research on animals because of curiosity and fascination. In addition to this, while I definitely don't mind (it's an integral part of who I am, and people asking me to share that part of me makes me super happy), I've been treated as an actual zoologist amongst my friend groups and even in my family. I don't mind it as long as people acknowledge that I'm not a professional when it comes to animals, but it bothers the fuck out of me when I mention I don't know something and get told "well, aren't you super into zoology or something?"

Hyperfixations

Hyperfixations are like a more intense, shorter term version of a special interest that's not exclusive to autism. It's common for people with ADHD to end up with hyperfixations too. There is a slight difference between hyperfixation and hyperfocus; a hyperfixation is usually an interest that lasts months (although I've had some that last mere weeks and I'm sure hyperfixations lasting shorter amounts of time than that aren't unheard of), while hyperfocus is being so incredibly focused on something that doing anything else is out of the question. The two usually overlap but don't always.

Examples of things I've been hyperfixated on:

Undertale

Deltarune

The Good Doctor

Animal Crossing

Sonic the Hedgehog

Dungeons & Dragons (pretty sure this is a special interest at this point. If it goes dormant it does not take long for me to get back into it. It also feels like a more casual interest but I am Not Normal™️ about the Forgotten Realms lmao)

Ninjago

Again, hyperfixations aren't fun to have. I lost sleep when I was hyperfixated on The Good Doctor because I would stay up all night and watch it. I watched all 6 seasons (averaging 20 episodes each, with 45 minute episodes!!!) within 3 weeks. That wasn't healthy (which is kinda ironic in hindsight considering The Good Doctor is a medical drama but MOVING ON). I lost sleep when I first hyperfixated on Undertale in 2017. Losing sleep over hyperfixations ISN'T FUN. I just want a normal sleep schedule man.

Similarities Between The Two

From my experience, the biggest similarity between hyperfixations and special interests is with both of them, you can't really help what your interest is. It's why I hate it when people get upset with autistic people and people with ADHD when they have "problematic" interests (glares at everyone who gets upset that people are still interested in Harry Potter). I am very much aware of some of the issues with The Good Doctor. I was aware of them when my brother offered to watch it with me and we stayed up watching it until 3am. I still got hyperfixated on it.

I got hyperfixated on plane crashes a few months ago. Some people might not see how that's problematic, but aside from me also losing sleep over that one (this time for more than just staying up all night watching a show related to the interest), the ones that fascinated me the most and still do (aside from British Airways Flight 009)? The ones that were deliberately (or planned to be deliberately) taken down. Pan Am Flight 103. Philippine Airlines Flight 434. FedEx Flight 705. Air France Flight 8969. Germanwings Flight 9525. It fascinates me. But seeing people be shamed for special interests and hyperfixations deemed "problematic" also makes me feel bad even if I'm not specifically or directly being targeted.

Special interests and hyperfixations aren't some "uwu cute interest" we can control the topic or intensity of. I've hyperfixated on things to the point of forgetting to go to the bathroom until I'm almost too late to. I've hyperfixated on things to the point of forgetting to eat and drink. I've hyperfixated on terrorists taking down planes. My special interest in animals goes beyond just "man, animals are cool!" I have spent hours researching animals and their behavior, diets, reproduction, everything and it leads people to the wrong conclusion. All I want to talk about is what I personally am interested in. I had to physically stop myself from asking my grandpa to buy me new dice because yeah, gaming/campaign dice are another special interest I have, and that's not fucking cheap. The dice I was tempted to ask my grandpa to get me were almost $10 for a set of 3 at Walmart, and I wanted two sets. My grandparents aren't really in a great spot financially, and I was already asking for a $15 dice tower. I broke my ability to write regular stuff because I hyperfixated on HTML too close to the sun and my brain kept going "okay, but where are your <p> tags?????"

None of it is something I can control. That's why it's a symptom of a fucking disorder. You think AuDHD people are gatekeeping the terms special interest and hyperfixation? Fine, fuck you. You're just downplaying what those terms mean.

I've been refusing to watch anything except D&D: Honor Among Thieves because my autism brain personifies everything and I feel like I'd be betraying something if I watched something else, ended up fixated on that something else, and lost interest in D&D.

Hyperfixations and special interests aren't a fucking joke. They're fucking debilitating. I shouldn't be getting so focused on something that I forget to pee because I forgot my body does that in the first place and my focus being interrupted should not make me irritable, or borderline ANGRY.

"But what if --" IF THIS SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU EXPERIENCE THEN YOU DON'T COUNT. I'M SPECIFICALLY TALKING ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO TALK ABOUT BEING ABLE TO BE INTERESTED IN THINGS A NORMAL AMOUNT AND STILL CALL IT A HYPERFIXATION OR SPECIAL INTEREST. If you don't LITERALLY MAKE YOURSELF SICK OR HAVE UNHEALTHY HABITS BECAUSE OF AN INTEREST, it's not a hyperfixation, and if you don't have autism, you can't have a special interest.

[miscellaneous--bones]

yo what happened to your arm?

[mundyonmymind]

mercs + sleeping habits

scout: has the absoloute worst sleep schedule. goes to sleep at 2am to wake up at 7 during the week, sleeps all day during weekends to wake up at a cozy 4pm. nobody understands how he can stay awake let alone have All That Energy

soldier: in bed by 9pm and sleeps like the fucking dead. bombs could (and often do, courtesy of demo) go off next to him and he would not wake up unless the shrieking beeps of his millitary alarm goes off

pyro: takes lil naps during the day :) has a very regular sleep schedules as they love routine and find great comfort in it,,,, also just loves sleeping oh so cozy and comfy. always helps that their bed is surrounded by plushies and pillows

demo: i think he used to have awful sleep, where he was either catatonic for 12 hours or woke up every 45 minutes to toss and turn for a little bit. however over time he learned to appreciate a good Beauty Sleep and is prideful in his nighttime routine (yes it involves face makes and cucumbers over the eyes. yes candles are lit. yes with the rose petals on the side)

heavy: snore mimimimi,,,,,, snore mimimimimi,,,,, sleeps oh so well and oh so comfy,,,

engie: close second to the king of naps, only just overtaken by sniper. his sleep schedule is nonexistent, but if the mercs have movie night, like the dad he is he WILL be snoring in a matter of seconds. bonus points if he wanted to watch the movie. he's also perfected falling asleep on command (cause yknow, for research) which tends to confuse and mesmerize the others

medic: he is an old man and he will take his old man naps and old man siestas for as long as he likes!!!!! sleeps w a sleeping mask and a blanket tucked up to his chin, and will rage if someone disturbs his beauty sleep. limbs Have been removed.

sniper: king of naps. ruler of snoozes. leader of siestas. he has and will continue to fall asleep anywhere and everywhere if he either has the time, or is just a bit bored yknow. however hes a very light sleeper, so he'll just jump right back up and continue on his merry way

spy: much like soldier he sleeps like the dead, except infinitely louder. theres a reason he likes the privacy of his room, and thats because he is the Worst sleeping partner. snoring. drooling. kicking and turning. occasional stab from his trusted knife underneath his pillow. mumbling and muttering in his sleep. he has the uncanny ability to sleep with his eyes open, and after the infamous spy-fell-asleep-in-the-livingroom-and-his-eyes-where-wide-open incident, he does not dare sleep anywhere but his room.

[munsonssub]

Oh shit - Joseph Quinn x fem!reader

Well shit part 2. Read part one here

A/N sorry it took so long to come out! My daughter got sick and my husband has been working a lot so i haven’t had the time. Also let me know if you want a smutty part three.

Please give me feed back, idk how I feel about the ending. Idk I like leaving things open also can someone tell me how to add a read more I’m dumb

Warnings: drinking, sexual tension, swearing. Idk about anything else

Word count: 1,975.

You’re finally going on your first date with Joseph. Hopefully you don’t embarrass yourself.

Nervous, that’s all you could feel. A sense of uncertainty inching up your back as you got dressed. Simple and sweet. That’s what Chloe told you to go with, easy peasy. You could do that.

Maybe.

You haven’t gone a proper date in three years, your ex wasn’t a fan of spending money for no reason, even if quality time was the reason. So after the first year he had decided going on dates wasn’t needed anymore. Which is fine, honestly you were only with him for the comfort of not being alone.

That being said you had been talking to Joseph for the last week through text any chance you got. The man was a natural flirt, better than Chloe almost. It left you stumped more times than you’d like to admit. It wasn’t like you aren’t attracted to him, you are, how could you not be. All that’s been on your mind for the last seven days is his eyes, and his hair, and his smile. So yknow maybe sometimes your brain short circuits when he compliments you, or asks for a selfie just because he can, or when he says a little less than appropriate joke. Which is fine! Totally totally fine.

You can get through this date with out embarrassing yourself, easily, sure.

So here you are, standing in front your mirror looking up and down at your simple black dress. Chloe in the kitchen getting you a glass of wine for confidence, at least that’s what she said. Honestly if he liked drunk you sober you doesn’t have to do a lot of work.

Quickly checking the time as you mess with your hair to get it in your favourite style. 5:45, fifteen minutes till he’s here.

You’ve got this. You can do it, easy peasy, simple and sweet, smart and charming. No problem.

“Hot damn Y/N. if he doesn’t try to sleep with you I will.” Chloe says from your bedroom door, wine in hand as she sips from the bottle.

“Clo shut up. Who’s says we are gonna sleep together the first date? Besides what if I don’t wanna give it up.” You say checking yourself out one last time before grabbing the wine glass from Chloe’s hand. Confidence, yup, totally.

“You know what, that’s valid but from how he’s been texting you AND how he was looking at you at the bar after you guys came back from your smoke?? Yeah he wants to sleep with you.” You blush at her words. Glaring as you take a bit of a too big sip of the wine.

Just as you are about to snark back you hear your door buzzer go off. Your heart plummets as Chloe’s eyes go wide and she turns and starts running towards it.

“Chloe I swear to god!” You yell just as she hits the button.

“Hello hello, you have reached the cave of despair, two reside, Chloe and Y/N. what can I do yah for?” She singsongs into the speaker. You finally reach her, hands out ready to fake strangle her as a voice comes back through.

“Uh yeah hey, it’s um Joe, here for Y/N. hopefully not too much despair about that.” You hear him chuckle before it cuts out again.

She smirks as she hits the button to open the door before skipping back over to the kitchen to grab a wine glass for herself.

“I need my shoes, please open the door and don’t be fucking weird Chloe.” You point at her heading back to your room to grab your black heeled ankle boots and purse.

“Hey I can’t be weirder than you thinking he was Scott! Even after he told you his name you still thought he was Scott!” She shouts back at you.

Groaning you rubbed your forehead as you slipped one shoe on. You heard a knock at the door and Chloe yell “imma coming imma coming!” Sighing you quickly slide the other shoe on and grab your purse and a sweater before closing the door and heading towards the front door.

You could hear Chloe talking to Joseph, something about not murdering you, as you got closer, rolling your eyes you turned the corner and looked up from your purse. Heart momentarily stopping as you took him in, in person for the first time sober.

He’s wearing a striped salmon coloured button up, and light off white dress pants. His shirt is slightly unbuttoned letting you peak at the chain around his slightly sunburnt neck and chest. His hair is perfectly messy but still pushed back, he hadn’t fully shaved but definitely trimmed his facial hair up. His eyes were slowly looking you up and down when you finally looked in them. Your greeting dying on your tongue as he meets your gaze.

“Holy shit,” he slightly whispered. Making you blush. “Hey uh you look…. wow. I mean, beautiful. You look beautiful.” He stumbles out at a louder volume.

“Thank you, you don’t look so bad either josi.” You wink. Easy peasy flirting is easy peasy. You see his cheeks slightly flush as he wiped his hands on his pants.

“Are you guys just gonna eye fuck each other or you gonna go on your date?” Chloe smirks from behind her wine glass, watching from beside Joseph.

“Chloe shut up.” You blush and try to glare at her. Joseph clears his throat before saying.

“Cars at the front door if you are ready to go?”

“Yeah, yeah, let’s go, leave the peanut gallery.” You smile and start waking towards him.

He extends his hand out to you for you to grab as he reopens the door. Lightly smiling you grab his hand and begin your walk to the car.

Once in the car and situated he starts the drive to the restaurant. The car ride is filled with quite conversations, he asked how work was and you the same. He told you work was crazy and overwhelming but he loves what he does. You agree with him saying you feel the same, though it would be easier if you didn’t have your boss.

You arrive at the restaurant. Exciting to finally being eating, doing a small happy dance in your seat as Joseph mumbles for you to stay put so he can run out and open the door for you.

“Quite the gentleman. Thank you Joe.” You smile as he helps you out of the car.

“Always for you, excited?”

“Of course, first thing to know about me is I am a foodie and will never say no to some grub.” You rub your tummy as he smiles.

“Oh you are the woman of my dreams.” He smirks, his hand going to your waist as he opened the restaurant door for you.

“Every kind of dream?” You wink and bite your lip at him. He jokingly scoffs and tightens his grip on your hip.

“Don’t even start you minx.” He smirks down at you before talking to the hostess.

Once seated across from one and other, with the menus and your drinks your conversation fully resumed.

“So, Joe, you’ve been very coy about what you do for work. Besides it being sometimes overwhelming, so tell me, what does the great Joseph Quinn do?” You smile at him as he puts his hands on the table, slightly drumming them.

“You really wanna know? Because once you know all bets are off.” He looks at you expectantly. You slightly blanch, little nervous with what he’s gonna say.

“Lay it on me josi. I can handle it. Unless you’re a mob boss and this is actually you telling me you’re gonna kill me.” You laugh lightly, reaching out to grab one of his hands and play with his fingers.

“Well, I’m an actor,” he stops, gauging your reaction. As you stare at him trying not to show the shock on your face he continues. “I wasn’t very well known but uh, it’s kinda picked up a little bit since my last job premiered.” He finished, biting his lip with nerves rolling off him.

“No shit? Jesus that’s cool. What have you been in? I’m kinda jealous.” You laugh, hoping to ease his nerves. You can tell it helps a little with how his shoulders relax and his smile towards you.

“Uh a few things, Howard’s end, which is a tv show, Make up, a movie, um les mis, not the movie, tv show, and recently Stranger Things.” He rattles off a few of his works, easing his nerves down more.

As you are about to reply the waitress comes back to take your food order, you give it to her. Smiling and handing back your menus you grab Joseph’s hands before he can hide them.

“So I haven’t seen any of the other ones you said but I have watched stranger things except for season four because my friend, Shelly, said it was heart breaking. And I’m not ready for that.” You tell him while rubbing the back of his hands.

“I’m in season four, I play this guy Eddie. And she’s not wrong it is heart breaking.” He chuckles.

“Noooo why would you say that. You were in it so now I know it actually is.” You whine slightly. “So then mister star, what made you want to go on a date with little old me?”

“I mean you make quite the impression,” he laughs as you groan. “But really how could I not? Look at you, freaking beaming light of beauty and you’re fun, carefree, it’s nice to be around people like that.” He told you honestly. You could feel yourself blushing, looking down at the table you look back up.

“Well thank you, you’re making the right moves there josi.” You wink.

He goes to reply but your food is now being set down in front of you. Thanking the waitress you look at Joseph who returns your gaze with a look of ‘this conversation is not done’ and something a little darker in his eyes.

You guys hold quite conversation as you eat, you groan at how good it is. The conversation is easy and relaxing as you finish up and Joseph pays for the bill much to your dismay after you told him you could cover you side of the bill, only to be shut down with ‘you, pretty girl, do not need to pay.’ The nickname making you blush and heat up.

You walk out the the car together, his hand around your waist again, slightly squeezing. He helps you into the car and closes the door before rounding the car to his side. Getting in he starts the car and buckled up before letting his hand rest on your bare knee.

“So Y/N do you want to keep this date going or do you want me to take you home?” He asks you as he pulls out of the parking spot and back on the main road. Putting your hand on his you look up at him.

“What do you have in mind josi? I’m all for anything.” You smile.

“We could go back to my place? Or is that to forward?”

“Joseph! Who do you think I am?” You fake gasp and put your hand on your chest.

He looks alarmed before starting to laugh as you broke into giggles. Slightly shoving your knee he shakes his head at you.

“Well then what do you have in mind then miss.”

“I mean, my house is free and I have a bottle of wine and maybe some other things.” You smirk, winking at him.

“Say less baby say less.”

[princeanxious]

basically, i think that the team is incredibly overcommitted and there just... literally is not enough time in the day (or week, month, year, whatever) to do everything. because thomas is trying to make full, 45-minute films, with himself as the only actor, playing seven different parts, and then edit that (pretty much all on his own, if im interpreting things correctly). (1/5)

(Sorry for the weird way ive combined this I'm on mobile lol)

But yeah, I agree?? Its just like. If you want to make bigger and better productions, be transparent about whats going on.

It feels like theyre holding tight onto Sanders Sides bc it was a success, and branching to other things hasnt nearly been as much, perhaps?? And so maybe they feel like this is the only thing worth spending that excess ambition on when its the most successful, but in the process its sticking the team between a rock and a hard place

There really Isn't enough time either. Have yall like, noticed Thomas?? When its out of character and not part of any bit, when hes not wearing makeup and just talking to the audience?

He looks. Exhausted. He's had noticeable bags under his eyes and he doesn't look well rested, he looks like he's been stressed for weeks, if not months.

Like. He looks like hes driving himself into the ground because he wants to do bigger and better with these constraints and its just like.

Idk. I'm not trying to paint him in any biased light bc this is something that the fandom has been experiencing but it just. Feels like everyones suffering on all ends for a grand production season finale that only Thomas seems to ask for.

If Thomas started a whole new series to focus on and just kept Sanders Sides to short silly interaction bits that taught little things about how parts of yourself interact instead of grand arc after grand dramatic arc with a build up that seems full of frayed semi-disjointed plot points, I feel like everyone would be happier maybe??

Idk tho, I'm not part of the process and i havent partaken in the patreon addition due to my own medical bills and what not, so i obviously dont have the full scoop??

I'm just. Idk. It feels like every actual episode update is 40-50 minutes of emotional whiplash after a 6 months to a years wait and rarely leaves the loose ends from the last update tied up, yknow??

Kinda makes me scared for what this grand finale has in store, what with Logan being ignored, Roman losing respect in everyone but Virgil, Janus and Patton working together yet seemingly distanced from the others, Virgil's confession of 'because i was one of them' only to be met with a serious lack of Virgil after?? and that final character reveal? Like. Is the season finale gonna be a two parter? I kinda hope so.. Idk tho.

[dballzposting]

Hm :/ Well if you want to know my two sense. Many people, when pedaling kakavege, seem to think that Vegeta is attracted to Kakarot for his physical body . And they feel the need to delineate that. Doing it bc it's simplified and funny is one thing (like the "stupid sexy flanders" from the Simpsons but it's "stupid sexy kakarot") and in fact that is my lifeblood BUT I feel like people really mean it more than that and oh dear I feel as though I am missing something.

WHY WOULD he be attracted to his body..? His muscles...? Like they all have muscles. It proves hes a great warrior so theres some connotative delight there, but, not enough to make it the focus surely ..? I mean they're all good warriors. Their children are good warriors. Piccolo is a good warrior. They all have huge dragon ball muscles. Yknow..?

But also I understand that it can be difficult to represent attraction without bringing in the physcial element. And I do believe that when attraction is present a great deal can be said by just describing the mundane reality that the character is seeing. But idk. Idk

I guess I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be commenting on lol ... like ok sure if hes attracted to Kakarot why not have him be attracted to his superficial form. It's indicative of the sea inside anyway . It's all connected.

You know what I think it's just me bc of the way I perceive Vegeta to be on the asexual spectrum. Like I dont even think hes physically attracted to Bulma's body in the way a lot of people understand it - he doesnt subscribe to physcial standards of "sexy," it's not his history and culture, it means nothing to him. Bulma sees herself as a sexually attractive woman and is willing to view her assets as assets, separate from the rest and worth rating - whereas Vegeta just sees her as the whole package, soft and sweet skin, willing to hold him so softly, willing to snap at the slightest inconvienace, fully convinced that she is untouchable and indestructable and nobody has been able to disprove that yet so they are essentially fact. But boy does that all blow his hair back. You know what I mean? Seeing boobs does nothing for him. He's gotta see her be high on the glow of some personal victory in her professional life and have her show him how to love again.

So like you may ask "well in what way does he want to fuck Kakarot then...." and OMG honestly it's literally like you get it or you dont. Like they have rival's bond and either you get it or you dont. Like he needs to have his 45 minutes of Kakarot's unadulterated attention and I dont mean sparring. And that's a seriously long amount of time I dont even know what is to be done in that amount of time like wtf. It's madness I presume

He hates Kakarot so much and hes sick of being made a fool of and also hes learned to not underestimate him and to in fact respect him, and that's exactly what makes it so hard when Kakarot is acting thickskulled or naive or slow or just a fucking dick (see: everything he did to Vegeta in "son goku and friends return"). When he subverts previous expectations and then back again. KAKAROT KEEPS VEGETA ON HIS FUCKING TOES and boy does that piss him off becasue he JUST WANTS TO BE IN THE RIGHT...!

IDK. I do believe that if he had a life-sized plastic action figure of Kakarot that he would have red wine with it VERY NERVOUSLY. And I do believe that he would bathe with it and wash it and kiss it and hate it and dry it off so tenderly. And kiss it again.

But he diesnt feel those tender urges with the real Kakarot because there are just TOO MANY THINGS in the way, too many layers of animosity and propriety. He hates him and he has no intentions of being tender.

He WOULD fuck him though. Like it doesnt happen becasue in what situation would that ever be appropriate in and the mood be right in (except for when they trained in that time chamber for 3 years...!) so he doesnt fuck him BUT it he did it would be like THANK GOD FINALLY you know.

So he wants to fuck Kakarot but hes not attracted to his body or anything (unless it's funny like "whatta man" by Salt n Peppa is playing or something) . He is attracted in the sense that it is Kakarot's skin and it's a tactile experience and he'll view all the infuriating contours of his form but it's not, like, as streamlined as your basic physical attraction, and it is not his body alone that fuels this fire.

What Kakarot's body represents to Vegeta is not something sexy but something strong-willed, well-crafted, prideful, a threat to his status, and an opportunity to grow and surpass. So again it's all connected. Honestly you could describe Kakarot's body from Vegeta's POV and whether you're inspired by what I'm saying or inspired by basic superficial attraction it could very reasonably flow the same either way. But just becasue theres overlap doesnt mean that theres no difference between those perspectives, and if somebody is pushing the "he just thinks he hot" agenda too much then I'm like... what in the world? Lol

OBVIOUSLY I WANT PEOPLE TO DO WHAT THEY WANT TO DO AND HAVE THEIR OWN OPINIONS AND STUFF. And I try to be considerate too of the complications of attraction and of Vegeta and Goku's specific dynamic and respective characters and how it's all connected and what people mean by the things they write . But heres just what I think. THANKS