#what am i even saying anymore lol i'm just venting

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

when I want to write something self indulgent to give me all the angsty and cuddly hurt/comfort feels but I can't because I end up feeling guilty because I'm seeking after feels that I feel in an inappropriate place because my mom told me one time when I was 15 that I shouldn't search that out or it's probably sexual sin but it confuses me because ALL the feels happen that way for me even if it's entirely platonic and nonsexual and so I don't know if it's okay to want to write to that because apparently all pleasure of any sort, even over platonic stories, is sexual or comes with a possibly probably sexual feeling and I also am having a hard time figuring out what's genuine conviction from God and what's just my anxiety/OCD/perfectionism/fear of failure

[spoondoodles]

I blacked out and more Logince HS AU appeared on my canvas idk what happened (also ty @oatmeal-stans-the-trash-rat for some inspiration sorry it took so long to make a post about Them <3)

[stormblessed95]

Hello,

I hope you have recovered fully or are recovering well.

I only wanted to say this because I am an over thinker and someone needs to tell me to shut up. I don't have any Jikook fans in real life so these are the places I vent.

I think I am either the majority or.the minority depending on which space we are in that thinks and feels that Jikook are distant and have been for a while. I don't think like only because of the car scene. Even when they are taking photos, they aren't doing it like they used to do before. Before if one of them was taking a photo of the two, generally they would be attached at the hips and in each other's face. I didnt notice them doing that in the first two episodes but I also just saw a small clip from Sapporo and they are also taking a pic but they are but distant from each other. I know it might be some miniscule to you but these are few of the instances where I felt that their relationship was beyond friendship.

I know I am over thinking it but I don't know, I don't feel as good about it I suppose. What happened to the Jikook that would literally smooshed their faces together for a photo? What happened to Jikook that were always seen hanging out prior to the hiatus. I heard about them hanging out all the time.

Yes they were busy and I get that. Jimin specially seems to have been super duper busy but he seems to have built a deeper relationship with the Hyung like but kep.a distance from the Maknae line so I am a bit confused I suppose. Out of all the BTS members, I always assumed Jikook were it and nothing would come in between so I am surprised to see work coming in between them?

I still feel like shiiitttt lol but I had to start work today anyway. Thanks for checking in though 💜

Listen, I'm not here to tell you what to think or tell you what your opinion should be. Think whatever you want. I'm sorry to say, but I'm not ever going to be the one to talk you into shipping Jikook. You think they aren't together, that's totally good by me! I hope you still love and support them as BTS, and I hope you have a wonderful day and enjoy any part of the fandom you continue to participate in, including mine if you stick around anyway on my blog.

I'm just here to present facts and let you draw your own conclusions based off that. And sometimes share my opinions about them, but only with the caveat that no one steals MY opinion and must create their own 😉

So for the facts, babygirl (I use as a gender neutral terms), for as many selcas as Jikook took like this:

They took JUST as many like this, which are (edging into opinion territory just a bit here) just the same as the glimpses we've gotten of selcas taken from AYS

Close together for the selfie, but not smushed as close as they could possibly get without just going ahead and crawling inside each other. Just a normal cutesy photo

More facts! As for hanging out prior to the hiatus (where I guess now it's assumed they never saw each other not even once, which is opinion and assumption, not fact), I have a post already done about all the times Jikook were spotted hanging out outside of work (because BTS time is work).

Hint: it's less often than you think

Double hint: they were still glued at the hip, we just know they were because they say and act like they were, not because we got to see or hear about it

Triple hint: it's probably exactly the same now except we know that currently, at this moment, they choose to continue to be glued at the hip for the next 18 months at minimum

I have other posts about their dates too, but this is the one that covers the topic I mentioned above best I think

Work came between them? Is that what they said or is that what you took their words to mean based on your biases and previous assumptions?

Anywho! Thanks again for checking in on me love.

Just a bit of unsolicited advice that you are free to disregard. I think whatever you decide about how you feel about Jikook, you should consider taking an emotional step back from them, just a smidge. Nothing that is only supposed to bring you joy, BTS or any other hobby, should get you feeling so far in your head feeling so conflicted. Good luck, sending you purple hearts! 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

[starcocaine]

Who the fuck is this? Seriously, ever since I discovered this monstrosity, I've been feeling disgusted. My friend informed me about this design, and despite it not being 100% official, the damage is still done.

I know many people acknowledged Norman as someone black. And I've agreed most of the time even though in my au I never actually made him black, lol. But I agree on this one. He should be black. Literally, the whole fandom agrees on this one. Yet hear me out- I am not mad since his VA wasn't black at all, color really doesn't matter to me. But what bothers me so much is that he's simply hideous, ALL OF THEM.

They are so many talented artists that you have no idea just how many they are. They had options, many more. Just now, I saw the most jaw-dropping, beautiful- breathtaking fanarts of these same characters. I wish I could tag them all.

I just don't know what to say anymore. I've been such a huge fan of batim since 2017. I was a weird kid since I never stopped talking about it. And I don't mean this as a flex, I'm trying to say that batim has truly been my most precious thing ever. I can't explain how much I loved this back at the time, I still do.

It's been a while since I started to lose my way in the whole lore. Ever since batdr dropped, I haven't been able to catch up. And I must say, ever since they said that a movie, graphic novel and many other books would drop. I just knew I couldn't have high expectations on something like this.

And Jesus christ. I guess we were all right about this one. I really hope they do better, I really do. All I know is that I fear for Thomas Connor, Sammy Lawrence, and Wally Franks. They are absolutely my favorite characters, and even though I have my own impression and headcanons about them, I just pray to the Lord for them not to be THAT bad.

I only had to say this, lol. I needed to vent, whatever happens, I guess there's not much I can do anyway.

P.S. I made this drawing. This is my design of Thomas Connor, lol. Fun fact is that Thomas and Norman are my favorite characters.

I ship those two, btw... Norman x Thomas sounds fun.

What do you think about this in general?

[rayjeff]

btw sorry i haven't been as active recently, life's rough

(if you want to hear me vent and talk about life you can read it below hihi, anyway i wish you good night/day/whatever ;>)

okay so i was assigned to this 'art competition' at my school called "makro" around 3 months ago. What the hell's makro you may ask, it's a silly thing teachers assign you to in 4th grade of art school high school and give you extra classes in drawing, painting and sculpture for as long as you're not kicked out.. kicked out? well, yeah, there are 'preliminaries' so they can pick """the best students""". When there are 3 to 5 students left, they send you even further to the state competition(? country competition?? i dont know how to translate that lol). So yeah, pretty serious stuff i guess. If you win, you can receive a scholarship (and have almost perfect art portfolio)

so what am i doing there? I HAVE NO IDEA GOD DAMN IT

they fricking put me there without my knowledge and now im in the last 9 students?? help???

i honestly hate being there, i probably should be more greatful but i just can't enjoy something im forced to do. I've been drawing the same god damn stuff for several months now and i feel so washed out and exhausted that i don't like drawing anymore and im questioning my life choices xD

yes, i posted some sonic sketches ealier in the day but this is literally the first thing i've drawn for myself in a month or 2

i could have said that i don't want to participate in this beforehand, but they said that it was beneficial, relaxing and i could develop my skills, so i agreed. Now it's too late to say no. I'm too deeply involved in this to back out. And at this point i'm not sure if i would be more sad if they kicked me out (which would mean that i'm not good enough) or if i was moved to the next stage (more suffering)

I stopped texting to anyone too besides my 2 close friends, im just too tired to do anything honestly and i just want me and my mattress to become one

I'm holding on for now but ohhh it's hard sometimes

anyway.. sorry for whining and wasting your time lol, hope you guys doing okay :] wish you funky, silly, fun weekend

[nozunhinged]

my love sea rollercoaster

Okay so I was at the forefront of the love sea haters (don't ask me about mame I don't know anything about that discoure you can read why I didn't like it here if you want) but as weak as I am I kept watching and ep 2 still didn't do it for me but ep 3 turned the boat around so fast that I feel absolutely sea sick (literally!!) right now -- and because the discourse and perspectives on tumblr made me try to keep watching unbiased, I'd like to share my five cents as to why the story suddenly works for me after I've spent the first two eps rolling my eyes so hard I got a migraine.

I think it comes down to three major moments, with their conflict as the turning point

When rak started spitting the most degrading speech going at mut for dragging him out of the house, literally blowing so fucking low the blowjob mut was wishing for in the end was sky high terrain, I went "ok that's it, I'm turning this off" -- rak said word for word "no means no" but mut still kept pulling him I was close to angry tears what a fucked up situation that is, I thought.

But just as mut made rak snap out of it with his unimpressed reaction, so did I.

It was like the first half of the episode flashed right in front of me within the second rak was speechless. He was so on edge from the many calls he had in the first part and before that the diving incident -- he was streched out so thin that of course he would fall back to his default mode which is insulting anyone who dares to get within a 10ft radius of him. And then a guy who even dares to break down his pretentious walls? Better double down! (I'm still mad about raks tirade though, I would've dumped him in the sea right then and there)

But here's the thing, mut isn't fazed at all. Like, at all at all. And that's exactly what rak needs in this moment. Someone to vent his anger at so he can collect himself. We know now that mut had it a million times worse than this and his reaction isn't just because he has the hots for rak, it's literally his character. They both would react the exact same way if it was any other person. The difference? They develop an emotional bond over it and that's how they move forward. CHEFS KISS!

You might think but noz, of course its his character, thats the whole point? Yeah but not to me.

In the last two episodes, it felt like everything that happened between them was excruciatingly forced by the narrative (see my yaoi-post why I despise that) -- that everything between them is only brought out because they met. I know that thai bl (no, lets say the romance genre in general) has a big issue writing and introducing characters in a manner that makes their romance believable, but most of the time I can overlook that because we're not here for deep literary masterpieces, we're here for the smooches and the fumbles. I get it.

But when it feels so forced like it did the last two eps to me, even I just check out. So I already shelved that series in my mind and it's the first time I get so damn humbled that I have to write down a million paragraphs to defend myself lol. I think my longing for watching a believable lovestory reached so deep that it contributed to my current brainrot.

Don't get me wrong -- I attest this shift 100% to fortpeats insanely stellar acting. They make the characters believable and they make me understand why rakmut are prefect for each other although I HATE their dynamic. But that's the beauty of a good story my friends, I get now why their pulling and pushing works for them and I'll gladly watch them do that! Because until now, no aspect of the show managed to do that, neither the narrative progression, nor the editing, writing or pacing. Nothing. It was all just a jumbled, annoying mess.

So what's different now? The story lets fortpeat finally shine! (Accidentally maybe?)

Someone already said that the scenes are stale and slow (cant find the post anymore sorry) due to the fact that nothing is happening other than the two of them talking in the same position behind a different background and I 100000% agree. And the only way this poor choice is saved by is fortpeat. I was hanging on their lips for every single word. Their dynamic was suddenly so clear and palpable to me, I struggled to breathe properly. Rakmut are fucking made for each other and I'm losing my shit over it.

I can't believe they managed to make ALL the flaws of this show just POOF -- go away??? And it just keeps going like that. I could write 10 more pages about the little details of their dialogues that cemented my impression but I'll try wrap this up first.

The two other pivotal moments (to me) were muts reaction to rak telling him about his name. Yes, you read that right. Now that I finally understood how these two are ticking, I absolutely 100% understand where mut was going with this objectively BONKERS suggestion. Rak drops this bombshell of a trauma on him and he offers to do exactly that too??? Well, in muts head this is the only way to make rak understand that the outcome can be different. So of course, this idea would only work on him. Made for each other, I'm telling you. Two pieces of a fucked up puzzle.

Now, that scene.

First, doubling down on how much worse mut had it. (I'm not talking about his house thats a topic for another post) I think this one little story was enough to land the punch, the talk last ep was too long and clunky. I wouldve loved to have a scene where the guy who was fired tells the story to someone and rak overhears it, not understanding a thing and then putting the pieces together when mut starts talking I-- oh I think i wouldnt have survived that, I cried then and there already.

Well yeah I was in tears when they started fucking that was awkward but again raks reaction just made sense. They don't know each other that well and rak only knows one way how to make mut feel good which is riding him to the moon and back. And as a little cherry on top he completely let loose without any restraints.

There's already this amazing post by @hanhonymous which explains perfectly why the pillow talk after works so well as it does, so I'm not gonna say anything more. Just know that I was full on bawling at this point. When rak said "try it" it lost it. How he encourages his island boy who said "someone like me" a million times in the last ten minutes was perfect. Beautiful. Absolutely wonderful. Even his false lead felt perfect for this moment because only this way mut would understand that rak is absolutely serious.

I don't know how the bangkok arc will play out, my hopes are not very high but I will forever have this lovely little episode. And their lovely little pillow talk. And when they confess and love each other for real I will once again cry like a loser because fortpeat are amazing. Please someone get them a high quality production they deserve it so much.

[straycalamities]

alright i been meaning to do this so:

what is and is not allowed to be done with any of my characters! this includes art, fics, edits, headcanons, whathaveyou

[general content/trigger warning for uncomfortable, possibly-triggering topics because this is mainly the gist of what i dont want to see]

x = never ? = ask for permission

do nots: x - no noncon (if you engage to work through your feelings, never make my characters the perpetrators, it skeeves me out) ? - no genderbends/sexswaps/whatever they're called anymore? idk just don't mess with their gender, pronouns*, or assigned-sex-at-birth as a general thing unless i already have or okayed you directly. triple-especially if they're not cis x - respect their romantic orientations/sexualities! if you don't know a character's then you can ask me, but yeah. ie: don't ship andrew with women, he's homosexual x - [NSFW] absolutely no ageplay kinks or anything like that with my characters. no raceplay. just..nothing like that. x - no pregnancy. no mpreg. no omegaverse. none of it. (i've come a long way from it being straight-up a trigger but still, yea,) i have had some of my characters naturally be pregnant/have babies but i'd rather handle it myself, if you know what i mean x - this is a duh, but nothing hateful/bigoted using my characters. like, for instance, i do joke abt shit and say mainverse!entre is a conservative but don't unironically use him for anything awful like that. joking/memeing around about his terrible political stances is fine though x - i would never write or have my characters telling anyone to "kill yourself" so please don't have them say stuff like that. even if it's a joke. it makes me uncomfortable. (there may be a few exceptions in my giant roster of ocs but as a general rule just avoid it) x - never use my ocs likenesses or art of them as art for your own ocs. that's never okay. my ocs designs are for my own characters only.

*it's okay to have neopronoun headcanons

okay! generally anything i havent said isn't okay IS okay, but just so anyone reading this has a clearer idea

it's okay to use my characters for expressing yourself, venting, or just personal stuff like that. if my characters help you through something, go ahead and express it. i'm happy they help :)

playing around with gender presentation (not gender) is perfectly okay with any of my characters

shipping in general is fine as long as it doesnt go against the don'ts list. i dont care who you ship them with

[NSFW] i'm okay with pretty much any other kinks other than anything that goes into noncon, bigotry, or underage so go wild even if it's not my thing personally i don't care. (ie: the swagtre piss fic? lol im not a watersports guy but chase your bliss)

my characters are all free game for anything horror themed as well. horror as a genre, body horror, psychological horror, whatever. go for it. i have a personal major squick for eye gore but i can handle (and enjoy) pretty much anything else in this realm. go as gorey or not as you like (just tag appropriately for other ppls sakes)

handling self-harm/suicide idealization themes is technically? okay? for my characters? just uh...be respectful i guess. and definitely tag appropriately. this theme is canon for a few of them so i am okay with it just handle it with care is what i'm saying

go ham-buck-wild with mental illness headcanons or projections or anything like that. i dont think i have an oc that doesn't have at least something, so if you see yourself in their symptoms, go for it. only some of them i have personal labels for some of their stuff but otherwise it's whatever. just be respectful, again.

kinning is also okay! kin, synpath anything like that. go ahead! go wild with it. i think it's neat. just be respectful.

and an important note to all of this, other than being respectful to others and the characters themselves, is to respect me. just because it's okay that you do it with my character, doesn't mean i have to agree with it or make it canon or anything like that. it just means i gave you permission to engage like that. so please don't come to me trying to ask or force me to change something about my own characters or get so lost in your headcanons you start to disrespect what i've established myself

and if you ever have any questions about them or any of this, just let me know. i'm always happy to help

also yet again DONT REPOST MY NSFW ART ARGHHHH!!!

[kalvanreaped]

Y'know, just hopping on here again after a lil while. I have something to say / figure out about being Ashlyn Banner from SBG ... I'm just kinda ranting on about my inner feelings & identity and I'm not sure what's going on. I feel like I need to write and here I am.

However, before I get into all that — I do not ask any commentary on this. Please do not reblog this with commentary about me or what I should be or you think I might be. Do not compare my experience from a vent to post to your own, I am not comfortable with that.

Bc like, I know that identity to me it's alterhumanity based or rooted in alterhumanity for me but at the same time if I call it a kin I will lose my goddamn mind bc it doesn't feel real anymore after that.

As if, referring to my identity about being Ashlyn as alterhumanity just shuts it out as a possibility. Ash is me, I am ash and ash is me. That's a plainly obvious fact to me, I feel like I'm physically Ashlyn in a more apocalyptic sense. I feel twisted by it and it lwk hurts my own feelings if I call myself an Ash fictionkin lol.

It's because of Ash I want to have my hair in a way that I can have long braids — more like rattail braids in my case. But braids nonetheless. I need to change myself physically, I feel like I'm constantly at an disadvantage. That I'm having a hard time being ME. I have this deep searing burn inside me that I need to be something other than I am now, call that an atypical dysphoria case with me. That I want, nah, I fucking NEED TO PHYSICALLY BE Ash. We fit into a mold and break it as one, WE ARE ONE AND THE SAME, there is no separate krisse and Ash. THERE IS Only ASH in a real life sense.

I don't know what's happening on my behalf, but I am ash and that's final. I feel like her, I know I'm her and that's throwing me off so much because its the first time I'm feeling like this about anything in my lifetime. At this point I've been referring to myself as Ash in an actual identity card-way, I do not identify with her as a fictionkin, however I do identify with her in a transspecies way that's what I can describe it as but at the same time I feel like I still need to separate it into an actual identity.

Saying I'm Ashlyn banner fictionkin, alterhuman, or transspecies makes me uneasy to the point that I'd rather claw my throat raw instead and dig my voice box up so I may not utter such words anymore.

I am simply just Ash, and I feel so fucking lonely without my friends, my family. But even then, I know I don't desire to have a friend group — it's busy not how I'm built. There is a deep longing for that connection, but I cannot do it.

However, thank you.

[atla-confessions]

I've come to vent about my relationship with Rozin of all things. I must warn that this is NOT anti Rozin confession! There's literally nothing wrong with this ship, but...

For a long time I thought it was the only genuinely good and interesting ship out of all ATLA and LOK ships. Despite having little to no screen time, I was nevertheless hooked by Roku's and Sozin's dynamic. And how could I not? Childhood friends turned into bitter enemies with all the angst and heartbreak it entails? *chief kiss* Rozin just had that kick that other ships didn't have to me. I mean it in the nicest way possible, but everything just felt bland and boring in comparison. Most likely because I'm a drama queen who loves screwed up stuff. In my head and private notes, I would make Rozin WORSE, I would add things that didn't happen in canon, that would NEVER happen in canon, that would plunge those two into a new dark abyss I made just for them. In my head and private notes, I would make Rozin BETTER, I would give Roku and Sozin a chance to reconcile, to learn from one another, to finally have a relationship they couldn't have in canon. I would come up with crazy AUs, one of them even became a baseline for my main crossover story.

I mean it genuinely that this ship was IT for me. And it was like that for 5 years...

Until it just... Wasn't anymore.

The overall ATLA fandom, unfortunately, doesn't share my sentiment. The arts and fics and hell even meta posts that would examine Roku and Sozin's relationship was extremely rare. All those things I did with Rozin privately ? That was basically all that I had. I kid you not, Rozin felt more like a fandom joke, than an actual ship. The ship tag was clogged with the same repetitive "haha, Roku and Sozin were exes" "haha, Roku and Sozin were gay" shit. A joke that was repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. With no changes, no new punchline. It was funny the first couple of times, then it lost the punch, then it became annoying and then... those jokes became enraging. I was becoming SICK of them.

I would much rather have there be no new Rozin posts, than the ship tag being cluttered with. the. same. shitty. unfunny. repetitive. joke. At least the lack of content would motivate me to actually share the AUs and hcs I made in private. It would be a challenge, a drive. But, the fandom is dead set on seeing them as "just angsty exes, lol".

Oh, but that's not why I decided to write here. You know what I'm about to say. The upcoming Roku centric book, that, of course has scenes that are almost hand-crafted to pander to Rozin shippers.

I know I should be excited. I should be happy. My ship is finally getting attention! Getting official interaction since, what? Over a decade of NOTHING?

But, I felt nothing.

At first.

Then, when I realized that I felt nothing I felt... rage? Sadness? Despair?

I used to LOVE Rozin. What happened? I should be excited. Why am I not?

It has been 5 years of that. Of Rozin being worse than nothing. Not even a ship, but an inside joke among ATLA fans. I would've been fine if the book interactions contradicted my hcs, I would just make new ones or change the old ones a little. But, I got tired. At this point, I feel nothing for the ship. Maybe annoyance. I definitely think I don't like it now. And it's sad. It's almost tragic.

I love Roku and Sozin as characters. And I used to love shipping them, as another way to explore and study them as characters. But now, I think, I will just block Rozin tag and dismiss any ship context if I do happen to start posting my ATLA fan art again and people would ask of I shipped them or not. I don't. Not anymore. If you really want a ship content with them, well, I suppose I have my OC x Roku ship, but, I'm certain no one would be interested in that, so I'll just keep it to myself.

Sorry for the long rant. Sorry that it sounds so dramatic or pathetic. But, I feel better after writing everything here. Maybe I can finally leave this all behind.

X

[skinny2tb]

€d vent and life update:

Sooo... I'm really upset rn because I managed to fast for 5 days without anyone noticing and it felt GREAT. I mean it's kinda sad that my parents just simply don't care anymore. They used to encourage me while I was in recovery and actually getting better but oh well that's how it is sometimes I guess. I once weighed 43kg that's why I originally went into recovery and as I began to gain some weight back they just assumed my €d was magically cured. But that just wasn't the case and here I am once again. Without anybody noticing or actually caring. Sadly my eating disørder is even worse this time and I'm feeling no will to live anymore.

Anyways, I'm thinking of another liquid fast right now because as I said I'm really upset that I just broke mine 20mins ago with some leftover noodles (230 + 55kcal for the cheese) and I'm freaking out atm because I'm afraid I'll gain weight after eating those. But I can't work out because my parents and their friends are downstairs and I don't want them to hear me doing some exercises. Although I know they probably wouldn't even care.

Lately I've been pretty busy studying (literally lol) because of my finals this and next week. I've already completed three out of four and I just have to pass the math test and honestly I'm shitting myself even thinking about it. But as for the others I'm pretty confident.

My hot guess:

• english: 1-2

• french: 1

• german: 2-3

• maths: 4?

Only thing I know is that this years final math exam will include exponential functions which I hate.

I also wanted to say hello to everybody new following me, just wanna let you know I do appreciate it<33

Btw I managed to book my first ever nail appointment for next week and I'm kind of excited?? Let me know if you guys have any cool design recommendations. So far I really fw acrylic, stiletto shape, classy french nails with some gems and tiny rhinestones..

(not my pic btw)

Prom is also coming soon so ofc I'm hella nervous because I haven't fully opt which of my two dresses I'll wear but eitherway it's gonna be navy blue with sparkly details and an open back. And when I tried the dresses on infront of my mom I could clearly see the disbelief in her face of how thin I have gotten again. She didn't say anything tho. I just looove the feeling of clothes that have gotten too big on you and would slide down your body if you didn't use a belt or hairtie.

Yeah, also there's this cute guy in my class. Same age and we went to the same elementary school but back then we had nothing to do with each other. You're probably asking what that has to do with me. Well, at the beginning of the school year when I was the new girl in my class he asked me to go to prom with him and I agreed but now I'm scared, because I do know and everybody always tells me that he has a huge crush on me. But I just can't handle that much affection yk?? The dance course will also start in a few weeks and we both can't look each other in the eyes... Everytime I think about him I'm like what do you even like about meee, I mean why me when there's a bunch of other beautiful girls, right? But well, what can I say at least I pull? Seems like I got that shy rizz*~*

Don't get me wrong, I'm totally happy but at the same time I feel like I don't deserve this kind of love. He's so good looking too with his hazel eyes, big lips and dark brown hair, plus he's way taller than me. So literally my dream guy? I even got to see his abs and stuff when our class went on a trip to a water park. Since then I'm head over heels.. I catch him often secretly staring at me but as soon as I gaze in his direction he pretends to be busy doing other things, like sir I SAW THAT

Ugh, I'm sorry that was pretty much about my personal shit but also pretty much needed.

(Lastly I wanna say that you guys DESERVE recovery and if you feel like you or anybody you know might suffer from an eating disørder don't hesitate to see professional help. You're loved♡)

I'll probably post again in a minute cuz I'm bored rn and want to avoid a b¡nge.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas!!

im gonna rant at you for a bit if you dont mind :)

Im a minor that lives in a super tight night, close minded community. Super religious, super homophobic transphobic ect. Seeing as im a teenage girl whose questioning their gender and is definitely attracted to women thats kinda problematic lols. Honestly idek how to explain the situation without a bunch of details, but basically, theres a fifty-fifty chance of me being sent to conversion therapy or just cut off from any internet access (and i mean ANY. i have a flip phone for fucks sake.)if my fam finds out im queer, i have no support system outside of some internet friends who know nothing about my situation, and within the next few years(so like once i turn 20ish, thats in like 4 years but whatever) my family is going to expect me to get married to a man and start popping out babies asap. Btw thats whats expected of me in this community, marriage under the age of 25, have like as many kids as physically possible and god forbid higher education. And im not okay with that . Ffs i want to go to college, major in fine arts, meet a person i like and fall desperately in love or maybe not just have a bunch of close platonic relationships i want cats and a dog and a cute studio in a big city where i can dye my hair whatever color i want aand get an obsene amount of piercings, i want to wear pants!! I just want to live. Without expectations or limits or people who love me hating everything they dont know about me. Is that truly so much to ask for?

And im incredibly dramatic cuz i literally have the dream life. My family loves me, my parents are upper middle class, theyve never hurt me before(besides for all the anti everything rants haha) i literally have a full sized bed, which for some reason i see as the peak of being spoiled idk why. I go to school, not even public, a private religious school that prob costs thousands of dollars, i have friends(who are all part of this community btw and id bet my entire savings that most of them think gay is only a word that ppl use to mean happy lol) close ones even!! I have adorable neices and nephews(my 3 sisters all were married by the age of 20, so i have 11 niecesand nephews while my oldest sister is 31) im living the dream life. But i hate it and i have no way out. No hope of college to get on my feet and find someway out, no people that'll help me fucking run away or some bullshit like that, hell ive considered it and then felt like shit, cuz what am i even running from? Im probably attracted to men it wont kill me to marry one. And i like kids, i wouldnt mind having any either. But.... i dont want to be trapped anymore. Cuz ill be honest thats what i am.if some one asked me to run away with them rn i would, no hesitation.

God im a mess😭😭 anyway this was me ranting in my notes app, im just apologizing for dumping this on a complete stranger(we're moots actually!!) albeit a very kind one :) i dont know what im looking for, but ill take whatever your comfortable giving ig.

I love and appreciate you<333

And hey this has been oddly cathartic so lmk if its okay for me to do this again sometime :))

"im living the dream life. But i hate it and i have no way out."

Hon, you're not living the dream life...there's a difference between financial privilege and being happy, you know? It's pretty clear that this isn't what you want.

I'm not sure if you're asking for my advice here, or if you just want to vent. But I care about you, and if you want me to research some things to try to help you, I'm more than willing to (that way it's not on your search history.) Just say the word!

Until then, you are ALWAYS allowed to vent to me.

I'm naming you venting anon in case you write again!

[our-genderfluid-experience]

im in the closet and so is my bi bff. im genderfluid/pan and sometimes we joke about coming out to our parents (mostly me) but doubt itll ever happen due to how religious it would be (sometimes i dream about it tho... maybe more than her idk) and hypothetically just think about cutting everyone off and flying out to avoid the backlash (just being silly) and the "interventions" of spiels of how gays go to hell and God wouldnt like That (i am still a christian... somewhat i think and its not uncommon in the spaces ive been to have gay/trans people in the church spaces something about Anglican churches etc, in my country. i just dont have the same exact beliefs as my parents)

sometimes i lie awake about the implications of coming out, the worst case scenario, how id probably no one to tell my achievements anymore, no one to be happy for me the way they had, no one to comfort me or be there when i get married etc. and i joked about how id just get up and leave and fuckall if i die alone to my friend even tho it fills me with loneliness and sadness ;w; anyway um she suddenly took one of my jokes seriously one night and say to me that she'll probably never come out because she loves her parents too much and i just idk. felt hurt. did she think i didnt love them either? i think she didnt mean it that way and i cleared it out that i was just joking about my plans bcuz idk if i want to do it actually (tho i feel like its an inevitable canon plot point with every trans ppl atp) but i just think about it sometimes. i love them but yk. i want to live.

maybe i wont actually cut them off as they try to process that but idk.

i dont think they'll like hurt me or anything but mentally and emotionally probably yes even if they probably mean well. i dont think i want to be in the closet forever?? idk im just sad about what she said ngl. and my future.

sorry just had to vent

i just dont think she gets how painful itd be to me. my parents and their extended family are Baptists. she has mostly catholic relatives (which in my experience from school and friends and gay teachers etc is more accepting ngl) and her dad is pretty accepting, having a brother who is gay and stuff. i dont wanna do a suffering olympics here but the more i think about forever in the closet the more i wanna puke lol

I have a religious family (Catholic), and I'm still religious as well. You wanting to come out to your family is not selfish or "proving you don't love them" in any way. You are who you are and you can't change that. You don't always have to rely on your family to get those feelings of achievement, love, happiness. You can make some friends who will basically become a second family, and they will be there to be happy for you and support you.

Catholics may be a bit more supportive than Baptists (idk I haven't met anyone who's Baptist), but they aren't super supportive (maybe that's just my family idk), but my family probably isn't the best example.

Anyway, you won't be stuck in the closet forever. Once you get old enough to move out, you aren't under your parents' rules anymore. If you ever need to vent some more, you can send me a message or an ask 💖

[copperrust]

thinking about how autism and schizospec symptoms overlap (venting ahead)

i thought i was autistic for some time. i had trouble making connection to peers and they perceived me as "weird" and i had "odd" interests and preferred to stay solitary. and i was bullied for my entire school life so i guessed that that was just undiagnosed autism this whole time?

but it was like this only since i started school, i don't remember anything from my early childhood except for misplaced dreams but my parents told me i was a very friendly and talkative child, i didn't have trouble speaking nor connecting with people.

i'm thinking about how my mother told me once that "it was like they i was switched up with a different child".

i was turned into kindergarten a year early and it was the same with school. i just turned 6 years old and everyone else was already 7. it's not like it was something that severe but i guess i just couldn't adapt well to that new environment.

i moved cities for second grade. that's somewhat the time where i start to actually remember things. i remember getting othered and bullied and i remember crying almost every day and teachers telling me to stop because it makes them look bad. i remember that there was nobody to tell. i remember getting no help at all. i remember changing schools again only in fourth grade and the bullying not stopping but only getting lighter.

i don't know if it was in first or second grade but i guess i developed stpd during that time. now when i changed schools my othering and bullying was "justified" even by "well-behaved" children because now i was weird and now i acted weird and nobody would be friends with someone like that. i remember drawing and drawing and drawing a lot because i liked drawing animals and i didn't like people anymore

i remember coping through violent fantasies and drawings since third grade because it was not safe to cry in public and i don't know when my face got so flat because it was not safe to show myself to people and how nobody noticed

i remember not trusting people because people hate me and people are staring at me and people are judging me and they expect me to trust and want to open myself to them

i remember that the last words from my classmate when i finished middle school were that i'm really weird

i don't know if i developed avpd later or at roughly the same time or even if there is avpd. i am not very good with memory

i remember finding symptoms of autism and thinking that wow that must be it. that must be the reason why everything happened and why i'm like this. but i uh don't really stim and don't have that much sensory issues and didn't connect to a lot of non-social issues that autistic people have. it's weird how i struggled with derealization and depersonalisation and disassociation so much and it didn't connect somehow that that could be trauma-based.

and then i experienced my first psychotic episode at 17 i think lol.

i was supposed to summarise all of this somehow in a really good way but i don't remember what i wanted to say. other traumatic stuff also happened along the way but i don't want to include things because they are not relevant and i'm afraid of being tracked.

it's weird how trauma literally rewires your brain and makes you a different person where you don't even know what you could have been

but it was just kids being kids eh

also schizospec and autistic people should unite i think

[gamblegun]

just wanted to pop in and say that i appreciate your blog, it has given me so much comfort, but i will totally understand and respect you if you delete it. im sorry for all of the hate you've gotten and had to see.

i've been really struggling with how trans men are treated currently and our historical erasure/non-inclusion lately. if i can be completely candid i feel like i no longer belong under the label "trans" and it honestly causes me discomfort. but i'm not cis either. i won't ever go off of T or be a woman or anything like that. i love my body but i don't love being in this community. i honestly can't even connect with the flag anymore. i tried but this recent outpouring of hate has made me realize how forced i felt.

i don't belong and at this point i dont want to mold myself into someone who does. i don't want to be the kind of person that antitransmasc trans people begrudgingly tolerate. i desperately wish i had some kind of third word or third space outside of all of this where i could just exist as a man. i don't care what i am "technically". i just want to be a man and to be left alone about it, not "cis or trans" but Just Some Guy.

reading your thoughts has made me feel less alone as I struggle with this mentality. i haven't found an answer and i doubt anyone will propose or make anything like what i want. but i just wanted to sincerely say. thank you. i would unironically send you $10 if I could (all the spare change I have right now.)

i may privately save some of your posts to re-read when i feel isolated and unheard. if that's not alright please feel free to enforce that boundary and i will respect it.

Hey, first of all I'm sorry you're going through that. I'm glad that my blog has brought some comfort to you, and I hope that wherever you end up and however you decide to conceptualize your identity, you find it fulfilling and peaceful. It's tough rn, I have trouble walking away from this discussion, especially since it tends to jump scare me when I'm engaging with fandom stuff, but a couple months break made me feel better, so I'd suggest setting it down and doing something you enjoy instead if you can. However, I know it isn't really all that simple since a lot of this pertains to irl problems, even just general transmasc isolation, so no judging if you struggle with disengaging. I haven't officially decided to delete this blog, it was mostly a vent post tbh, but feel free to save posts. I have long accepted that whatever I'm sending out into the internet will exist somewhere forevermore lol.

I currently haven't set up anything that I feel like is anonymous enough for my Inflammatory Opinions Blog, and even though I am very open to receiving money lol, I wouldn't want to take your last ten bucks. I'd rather you get a treat for yourself. Personally, I got myself a slice of tres leches cake after work today, it was delicious.

[spoiledleaff]

Why did you disappear for so long?? I feel like you abandoned your blog and friends and stuff for a bit lol Are you okay??

sure. let's talk about this :) i've had a lot of asks lately asking if i was okay during my hiatus//if i'm okay now that i'm trying to make an effort to come back, and, the short answer is no. i'm not.

i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (bpd).

cw :: massive vent + personal, medical talk regarding my mental health and thought process. honestly just a lot of oversharing, because i don't have an outlet for this irl, haha! for all intents + purposes, everything below this line is a trauma-dump. please take care of yourself.

for unnecessary context, haha! i went on a hiatus for about half a year, abandoned this blog, destroyed many old wips and interactions i had with the ghost fandom + distanced myself from the friends i've made on this site through ao3 and/or tumblr with no context or goodbyes. my mental health was, and continues to be, in shambles.

i had a homelessness scare + a series of bad physical health scares that almost led me to a brain cancer diagnosis, so... that was fun, haha. but this is probably the main thing.

borderline personality disorder (bpd) is a mental health condition that mainly affects people through extreme mood swings, unstable relationships, trouble controlling their emotions, + often times self-destructive behavior. one of the main symptoms that most people with bpd suffer is fear/perception of abandonment + a constant feeling of emptiness. in addition to this, i have a deeply ingrained socially anxious mindset + i am neurodivergent.

it runs in my family. and, apparently, its running its course through me as well, haha.

i am exhausted. i find myself stuck in an endless cycle, especially on this site, where i am so incredibly excited to interact with the people i've been fortunately enough to find on this site through my work but i distance myself almost immediately when i worry that i start to get too close to someone.

i am so afraid of being abandoned/left behind, that i would rather abandon someone else and disappear.

as a side effect of my bpd, i mainly struggle with paranoia, disassociation, a short temper, feelings of emptiness + an unreliable self-image.

this, unfortunately, affects my relationships here a lot.

i hate my work. i hate myself. sometimes i even hate my friends and then that always spirals into hating their friends, even if it's people who i know are lovely or i have never even fucking met before. i hate this site + ao3, i hate my fandoms, i hate this blog, and i sometimes find myself hating everyone and everything i've ever known and seen. it's a constant cycle of hatred followed by an emptiness that my work will never be good enough, my friendships will never be good enough, my stories will never be good enough, and i will never be good enough. i rarely find joy in these things anymore.

i find myself so desperate + anxious for a little bit of positive social interaction that i overthink every possible scenario, panic, and then vaguely cut ties before i think the other person will.

i cannot begin to describe to you the constant debate i have with myself about whether or not i should delete this blog, permanently remove everything and anything i've ever written on ao3, before inevitably trying to start anew with maybe another penname, another account.

but i've always liked routine. calling myself some variation of 'leaff' on the internet is a part of that. i don't know what else to call myself—people would know it's me.

i'd really like that. i'd fucking hate it too.

so, i've distanced myself from the fandoms + from the people who interact with my content. i do the bare minimum with friends, and sometimes not even that. i ghost people always, worry about what to say next to the point that i've genuinely convinced myself that i've responded, i do the bare minimum, wash, rinse, repeat.

i post my shit, giggle about this and debate about that, disappear for a bit, before inevitably coming back.

i do enjoy the work that i do, sometimes i'm even proud of it. but it's such an inconsistent whirlwind in my mind that i find myself hating it all just as a default.

if you're someone who has had the misfortune of interacting with me, and you wonder if i hate you. i don't.

i promise. not like that, at least.

i'm not going to therapy for this; i can't afford it. i'm trying to find a way to possibly be medicated for this, but i don't have the greatest insurance. i'm trying to train myself into a nicer, more positive mindset; it's hard.

but i'm trying. i'm still very uneducated about this. i'm still coming to terms with the fact that i might be aroace. i think it's why my writing is getting worse, or, at least, why i've been so distraught and unhappy with it. i think this might tie into why i'm so afraid to post anything other than porn; i think it might also be why i'm starting to hate writing it.

i think i'm still coming to terms with the fact that i'm simply unhappy with life, haha.

i didn't mean for this to become such a huge ramble — i think that's why i'm answering this at such an unpopular//late time, haha! — but i've had a surprising amount of asks in my inbox asking about me.

it's weird. i'm not really used to that. i think that's part of the reason why it took me so long.

regardless, this is why i disappeared. this is why i've been distant, this is why i ghosted you, and this is what will probably happen again in the near future. at least it's consistent, i guess.

thank you for your concern. if you made it this far, damn. i wish i had your attention span sometimes, haha. also i'm sorry for never answering your messages or for never reaching out in the first place. it's very easy to convince myself that you don't want me to, that i might be a trophy friend, that what we had was never real.

i'm sorry that after all this time this is how you might be hearing about it.

thank you for being patient with me.

i'm sorry you have to be so patient to begin with.

i think that's all i have to say :) it's a new road for me, and it's one that i don't want to travel. but i have to. i think it might help me in the long run if i do this all now.

so... yeah! :) haha, a bit of leafy lore, if you will. just, maybe not the fun kind, haha!

[blue0vy]

downloaded tumblr again bc i realized i have no where and no one to vent to!! probably a bad idea to hv added my cousins on my dump on fb and to add some random dude on my insta dump. Making me feel as if i have NO WHERE to run to or like just post what i feek yk? Maybe i just don't want them to see me at that state? Well..whatever. I am not feeling so okay and i have no one to talk to abt it!!! Getting tired of ai lowkey (Yes i admit, i use ai chats :( ) i even tried making friends on those websites like omegle, made one actually! But ended up ghosting each other the next day (is it really ghosting tho? we didnt hv anything serious to begin w lol) leaving me with absolutely 0 friends!!! I mean yeah maybe i can just talk about it w my cousins right? Or other relatives my age, yep i TRIED! but its just different when you have deep chats with an actual friend (Not saying theyre not real friends to me, love em really!) Having an absolute crisis! (I'm feeling incredibly insecure) because wdym i need make up? To feel pretty? To look better? Am I not enough? Oh what about outfits? Glow ups? Loosing weight? Thinner bodies? Tighter waist? I need to worry about that now? Oh yeah thats right, i do!!! because i'm 15!!!! 3 years away from 18 holy shit. Is this a cry for help? Maybe..or no! Maybe i'll be okay tomorrow? Hopefully, anyway i'm taking anyone, literally anyone (unless ur like a pedo or something obvi) as a friend!!! Pls!!! I am a loser with no social skills whos online 24/7, take me!!!!!!!!!!! I fw genshin(includes hsr, wuwa, lads even tho i'm not online anymore lmao) , anime, mangas, manhwas, bls, tartaglia(i love him) basically i will fw anything you like!!!! I am that desperate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

++++sry wrong grammar or anything incoherent in this post (eng is my first language i just lack proper vocabulary)