#what doesn't get done tomorrow will be done Friday or Saturday night

[hellenhighwater]

How do you stay creative while working full time? :)

I don't know, I just do stuff. Not art stuff, really! I think sometimes that I have to maintain a base minimum of Stuff Going On to stay above the gravity well of Comfy Bed All the Time No Need To Get Up And Do Things. There's an inertia to stuff, you know? Sometimes when you're busy it's easier to just maintain the momentum of getting things done. I don't always get stuff done as quickly as I'd like--the fact that I'm doing stuff all the time doesn't mean that the stuff I'm doing is necessarily productive. That's a good thing, though, because creativity has to be fueled from somewhere. There's got to be non-creative time for that part of the brain to recharge and rest, so it's not bad to have a job that doesn't demand that kind of thinking.

I did a lot this weekend and almost none of it was creatively productive in a normal sense. I got some pottery done on saturday morning, and then met a friend for sushi, went to my dad's to sandblast and powdercoat car parts and got a milkshake, went for a walk in the woods to pick tiny flowers, met my brother for dinner, and played DnD until midnight before driving back home. Today I planted hydrangea, hauled flagstone into place, dug up grass and tilled it over, and put mulch down. I made a roast for lunch and played DnD in my other campaign for a few hours, then started mixing down the clay slurry into slip for casting, which has to rest for the next 24 hours. In a little while, a friend and I are going to do an online movie marathon, and tomorrow--monday--I've got a board game night after work. Then the next week is pottery tues/thurs/saturday, dinner with my other brother and his wife on wednesday, DnD friday and sunday again.

You know what all of those little appointments with friends do? Force me to manage my time well. Force me to stay on and not just let the day get away from me. I rest when I need to but I also put really concerted effort in to spending time doing stuff that I enjoy.

People often say that they create art from a specific emotion, but to me, in order to make art, to make art sustainably, you have to be happy enough to want to put new things in the world. They don't have to be happy things. But you have to be in the world to reflect it out. Sometimes that's work. Sometimes that's friends.

Work on joy; the art will follow. That's just what's true for me.

[jadeee]

Living with Nanami

I get the feeling there'll be a part 2... I've never done anything note motivated but maybe if this gets 100 notes I will 👀 -> update: read part 2 here!

He habitually wipes the bathroom countertop after using the sink. It's ingrained in him. We all saw that ep in season 1.

Definitely has a modern aesthetic which when paired with yours is very... interesting. He'll eye whatever knick knacks you have in silence, keeping his thoughts to himself.

Your feet felt warm on the multi-colored rug you placed in front of the couch. The walls were decorated with art you picked out, a few pops of green from your many plants here and there. Then there was the odd trinket you found from a thrift store years ago which stood upright on the coffee table. The longer he studied the color blocked sections of your bookshelf, the more his set mouth morphed into an impressed smile. Your hands brushed against each other until he took yours in his completely.

His pet peeve would definitely be little bits of trash scattered throughout the house. He's not passive aggressive but he won't lash out or lecture you. Just a little "Darling, I noticed you forget to throw things out sometimes. Why is that?"

Another pet peeve I see for him is walking around brushing your teeth or flossing 💀 if you walk down the hall flossing, he just imagines bits of plaque flying onto the walls silently. I'm not sure if he'd say anything about this because he thinks you may find it silly and he knows it's not a big deal but a piece of him shudders just a bit.

Always has pads, tampons, and pain relief meds in stock. He'll get the special snacks you like around that time of the month. Whenever it hits you, he's there with everything prepped and ready to go. I imagine he'll secretly want you to ask him for cuddles just so he can spoon you 💗 he rests his hands on your low abdomen while talking to you softly, his breath tickling your ear.

Side note: He doesn't get into the habit of carrying these things around until one day you two are out and you're period suddenly comes out then he goes on the hunt for a pad or tampon.

He's very serious about going to sleep at a certain time and is lowkey bothered when he sees you staying up late - if it's for work, okay fine but if you're up on your phone or watching TV, expect a "you should really go to bed". If you're being a brat and he's really serious, he will haul you off to bed. He wants to give you a peck on the cheek so you know he's not mad but he won't because he's feeling petty.

The place would look very clean and organized nearly all the time except for the weekends. I believe in this 100% because Friday night is when he finally let's loose just a bit. Maybe he had too much to drink when you two went out but you look so cute and you smell so good and my God, your lips... Saturday morning rolls around and so does he in the sheets. His arms wrap around you as he groans softly against your skin, nuzzling his head into the crook of your neck. He knows the place is a bit messy but would rather clean tomorrow since he wants to spend the day with you.

Cleaning is a shared effort. He's not doing all the work and neither are you. I love him and I know he's all for taking care of you but I feel like realistically, this would truly be a shared task. Doing dishes can suck and so can cleaning the bathroom but it's enjoyable when you're playing your music. When he hauls the laundry off to the washing machine, he can't help but look in your direction and smile at the private show you're putting on for yourself.

No matter who cooks, dishes are typically done together. I think it'd become a tradition to bake on Saturdays. Ohh some cake with wine in the afternoon? You two sitting on the porch just giggling and talking about nothing and everything inbetween. Then when golden hours hits and the sun just casts that heavenly glow on you.

Kento leans back with a soft grin on his face.

"What are you smiling at?" you block the sun from your face.

"My light, my life."

Heat filled your cheeks as you dropped your head and crossed your legs.

Kento chuckled, "Did I make you nervous?"

"No." you snicker then glance up at him.

He filled your empty glass, "You're a better baker than you are a liar."

You grinned then looked off into the sunset to hide your embarrassment but it only highlighted the things Nanami loved about you.

He doesn't go to sleep mad or upset. He doesn't have the space for it or the time or the energy. Your relationship isn't perfect but it's worth fighting for and he makes sure to do that whenever you two have a fight. If you're both home that night, he won't invade your space but he'll make sure to let you know he cares in some way. Say you fall asleep on the couch? You're going to wake up in the bed and wonder how he ended up on the couch instead. If you haven't eaten, he'll bring you a small snack without saying anything.

This is really random but the security would honestly be multi-layered. Definitely a self insert bc home invasions TERRIFY ME 😭 he'd invest in a good alarm system and have the security cameras outside - yes, cameras to cover the front and back door.

Hmm, what else? Oh you'd have house shoes by the door. I like to think someone bought you two matching ones as a wedding gift or couple themed - like his and hers.

Fun fact: Sharing a bed with you the first night was weird for him. He didn't feel uncomfortable but he didn't feel comfortable either. He just laid there like a man in a coffin.

"Nanami?"

"Hm?" he turned his head to glance at you in the dark.

"Are you ok?"

"... I'm fine, why do you ask?"

The sound of you moving around made his ears turn pink and he was grateful for the dark for once. "You just seem so," he tried not to grunt when you poked his side "stiff."

"Hm, it's really nothing. You should go to sleep."

More rustling he wished would go away. Each second caused a slow heat to creep from his feet to his face.

"Can I hold you?"

He turned his head again then glanced up at the black ceiling. A sigh escaped his lips as he rolled over. Your limbs found each other in the dark and you rested your head near his. His chest deflated of anxiety then.

"Is this better? Do you feel comfortable?"

The sudden feel of lips against your forehead made you smile.

"Yes," he said softly then held you tight until he fell asleep.

Author's Note: I only saw him as the husband while writing this. You're already married in this headcanon.

[1d1195]

Traditional X

You can read the rest of Traditional here.

We are getting to the end of what I believe is the main storyline here. Maybe one or two more parts but I already have at least three little extras lined up in my head too.

Additionally, I added in the days because it was kind of getting all over the place and I wanted to make sure the timeline wasn't too confusing--especially since we're winding down on days until the internship is over. I hope it doesn't detract from the story. Also, another reminder I don't know anything about running a business.

This part has some minor character death/trauma mentioned, sensitive topics, grief, angst, and I may or may not have cried a bit while writing, so that should put it in perspective I think. Try not to hate me at the end I don't think you're going to like it. Thank you, thank you, thank you for continuing to read.

Just wanted to hear your voice, kitten. Didn’t get to see you much today other than tea. Get some sleep, of course. I’ll see you tomorrow. Sleep well, love.

So now she texted him: I’m awake now if you want to hear my voice.

The phone rang almost instantly. “Hi,” she whispered.

“S’like music,” he said sleepily. She giggled. “That’s a symphony,” he murmured.

Friday

Louis and Eleanor were lying on her couch (and one another) while she lay on the rug in front of the coffee table, facing the TV. Her phone vibrated with a message from Harry.

Can we chat sometime today?

That sounds like a terrible way to break up with me. Don’t tell your other girls that.

Don’t be ridiculous, kitten. All of it.

I’ll call you when Louis and El leave.

I’ll be waiting impatiently.

“Must be Harry. She definitely doesn’t smile at Niall’s messages like that,” Louis chuckled.

She rolled her eyes and tilted her head back to her friends. They were watching a movie trying to decide where to eat or if they should order in. It was a regular, run of the mill day. They worked their Friday shifts and now they were lying about her pretty apartment that she hardly felt she’d been spending any time in. Mondays of course were still dinner out with Harry, Thursdays were movie nights at his place (and with any luck something a bit cheekier, now), and she spent many Saturday nights at his place sleeping beside him until one in the morning where they spoke quietly, candidly about anything. In the morning, she woke up to a rotation of pancakes, waffles, or French toast.

And kisses.

She woke up to a ton of kisses.

So, this Friday evening, she spent with Louis and Eleanor watching a movie that was so trashy it was wonderful. “How’s the job search?” Louis asked.

She frowned. The one sore spot that seemed to get sorer each passing day. “I really thought interning at Styles Incorporated was going to give me a leg up,” she sighed. “I don’t know... I’ve applied to some top places and they’ve either passed or ghosted me. Maybe I need to lower my standards.”

“Absolutely not,” Eleanor said immediately. “You deserve the top. You deserve it all,” she said.

Smiling, she looked at Eleanor, snuggled under Louis who was draped across her lap, and he winked at her. “You deserve the very best, babe,” he told her.

She shrugged and let out a sad sigh. “I don’t think these places think I do though,” she mumbled. “But it’s fine...I... I don’t know... I’ll figure it out. I’m not going to let it stop me now. Another month and I’ll be done.”

There was a pause. “Speaking of,” Louis began. “I’m told your program does in fact, have a graduation ceremony.”

She blinked surprised by the idea as if she didn’t already know. “What?”

“Harry told me that of course your college has one and you—”

She only vaguely heard the end of Louis’ sentence. She was feeling...anger? Anger at Harry? It didn’t seem like that was a reasonable conclusion. She had never been mad at him in the eight months she had known him. But her chest started to ache, and her blood felt hot, and she didn’t want to be mad at Harry, but she was sad he betrayed her trust in what she told him at one in the morning. Even if it was a silly little thing like making sure she had people at her graduation ceremony. She shook her head. “I’m not walking,” she interrupted. “I don’t want to.”

“Love, you worked so hard!” Eleanor gasped. “Please! It would mean so much to us to see you do it. We want you to have that.”

While the kindness and the meaningfulness of their words was not lost on her, she was serious in what she told Harry. But maybe she left out the part that she didn’t want to walk across the stage because it would remind her of the last graduation ceremony she attended. The last time she remembered a big happy family memory. “When did Harry tell you?” She asked quietly.

“He didn’t know for sure when it was...He was probing around, I think, because he might be trying to get you something,” Eleanor said so excitedly she was practically clapping. “Oh, I bet it’s going to be amazing whatever he gets you.”

“We weren’t that surprised, but we told him that you weren’t walking because there wasn’t a ceremony...and he told us there most assuredly was—which did surprise us. Most interns went in the past, so what’s the scoop on that, love?” Louis smirked, throwing a piece of popcorn at her. It caught in her hair. “Lying to your best friends?”

She didn’t feel like rehashing all the sad details and explaining why she didn’t want to go. “I just didn’t want it to be a big deal,” she shrugged as casually as she possibly could. She should have just told them, but she didn’t want it to be a thing.

However, Louis sensed there was more to her hiding it, immediately. It was why he was her best friend. But he didn’t press. Maybe he would later when he could get her alone. Every once in a while, he managed to pick up on something in her voice that said something of her past was coming through. “Hmm,” he hummed. “Well, that’s fine. We’d still like to go. A couple pictures and that’s it. Then dinner. Nothing else. I won’t even get you a card to commemorate the day.”

“Oh, I’m getting you a card,” Eleanor nodded fiercely. “Gonna write you the mushiest proud letter there is to write,” she smiled wrinkling her nose at her.

So, how could she say no to them? They loved her so wholly it really was unfair to exclude them after their endless support. Sighing, she shook her head. “It’s Saturday, the 14th,” she rolled her eyes. Both pulled out their phones and tapped rapidly putting it in their calendars.

“Good,” Louis smiled. “Now let’s go get dinner,” he said kissing Eleanor on his way off her lap and helping her up as he nearly ran for the door all in one movement. Eleanor rolled his eyes.

“You picked him,” she reminded El. “In high school too,” she shook her head and wrinkled her nose in distaste.

“I know, aren’t I lucky?” El said with a mocking dreamy tone in her voice but she meant it. It was obvious on her face, and she loved that about Eleanor most of all. Letting Louis be himself, unapologetically. Louis was the very best and she was glad someone else saw it too. Eleanor squeezed her arm and followed him. She took a second to take in the moment. She couldn’t help but smile so completely happy with her life for the first time in a very long while.

*

She woke up at some point in the night by herself on the comfiest mattress she ever owned all thanks to Harry. She peered through two of the slats on the blinds of her window to get a better estimate of the time without having to look at her phone in hopes of falling back asleep in a few moments. It was still pitch-black out, save for the moon illuminating the sky.

After tossing and turning for nearly five minutes without drifting off quickly, she decided she may as well make good use of her time. She grabbed for her phone. As expected, the clock told her that if they were sharing a bed, it was time to have her nightly chat with Harry.

When she came back from dinner and before she fell asleep this evening, she told Harry she was a bit tired. She would call, of course. But she might drift off while talking.

Just wanted to hear your voice, kitten. Didn’t get to see you much today other than tea. Get some sleep, of course. I’ll see you tomorrow. Sleep well, love.

So now she texted him. I’m awake now if you want to hear my voice.

The phone rang almost instantly. “Hi,” she whispered.

“S’like music,” he said sleepily. She giggled. “That’s a symphony,” he murmured.

Her heart was bursting. “Yeah?”

“M-hmm.”

“Did I wake you?”

“Yes,” he said simply. She frowned. But it was like he knew she was frowning, because he continued, putting her mind at ease. “I would probably wake up from a coma t’hear your voice.”

She was so close to saying she loved him out loud. How could she not? But how would she be any different than any intern or companion before her? She was determined to wait until it was over. Until he stopped paying her and then she could at least tell him. So he knew and he could...decide if she was worth it. “Did you have a good day?” She whispered instead.

He yawned and she heard the rustling of his sheets. Sitting up against his fluffy pillows, she assumed. “S’alright,” it sounded as if he were shrugging it off. “I was in a crummy mood all morning.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” she wished she went into his office earlier to see how she could have helped.

“Not something y’could have helped with, beautiful,” he had a smirk in his voice. It left her breathless that he could tell how she was feeling without seeing her. “Before y’worry.”

“Me? Worry?”

He chuckled that beautiful breathy laugh of his. She imagined his dimples, his glittering eyes. “Mmm...”

It was quiet for a moment and since he wanted to hear her talk, she thought she may as well get it out of the way. “So...” she sighed. “Louis and Eleanor found out about my graduation ceremony actually happening somehow...and they’re making me go.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment, which told her he already knew that they had found out because of him. “I think y’should go, love.”

“I know. I’m going to.”

He sighed with relief. “That’s good.”

“If...” she swallowed awkwardly hating how she was even asking in the first place. “If you wanted to come...I think I get a ton of tickets...it is a Saturday so you wouldn’t miss wor—”

“Kitten, of course m’going t’be there,” he promised. “I’d sell m’company t’be there for you.”

She scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’d sell it t’Niall, maybe. But I’d still sell it.”

She giggled. “Do you think Niall would want to come, too?”

“Yes, absolutely. We wouldn’t miss it.”

She clutched the phone tighter to her ear enjoying the sound of Harry at the other end. The irritation she felt was only a nagging little bite on the inside of her head that she pushed away. Because really, this whole month had to be the most, and totally, happiest she had been in years.

*

Saturday/Sunday

“I blame myself for my brother’s death,” she said it softly. She didn’t even ask if he was awake. Either she somehow knew, or she wasn’t looking for him to answer. Harry frowned, trailing his fingers up and down her arm. It was a sudden comment, but it was the middle of the night. It was what they did.

“I don’t think that’s possible, kitten.”

“I went to some stupid school party. I didn’t want to get in the car with the person offering a ride home. So, he came to pick me up, no questions asked. Not a care in the world that it was almost two in the morning,” she shrugged against him. “A car hit us,” she said simply. It was silent for a minute. Harry hardly moved. “He must have seen it coming before I did... because he turned...so his side of the car took the brunt of the hit.” He squeezed her. “I tried to pull him out. Begged him to breathe,” she shook her head. “It was awful,” her voice cracked. Harry couldn’t imagine what she had seen. Couldn’t imagine what it took for her to get in the car. No wonder she walked everywhere.

“Y’don’t have t’tell me, love,” he told her, and he meant it. That was plenty. He could fill in the gaps if it meant she didn’t have to relive it again. He was sure she relived it every day.

“It’s why my parents hate me.”

Harry sucked his lip into his mouth. “They shouldn’t,” he fully believed that. He may not have judged them for the way they grieved but they lost one child in that accident. It easily could have been two and yet somehow, they chose to lose them both even though she was right there, alive and in need of love more than ever.

Harry wouldn’t say it to her now, but he would think part of his heart would feel like it was missing if she had been lost all those years ago. Whether he knew her or not.

“Sometimes I think they’re right to,” she sniffled. “I’d hate me, too. He was the best,” she whispered shakily.

“Kitten.”

He loved the dark and their little chats every day since they started. Today, he hated it. It was too revealing. This was hurting her. And he hated that most. “I should have died.”

“Thank God, you didn’t.”

“It’s not fair,” she whispered. How many times had she said it to herself, her therapist, to Louis of all people? The only person who consoled her and not her parents...the only person who needed to be consoled as much as her was Louis. As he was breaking down, he was trying to keep her together. It wasn’t fair at all.

“No,” Harry shook his head. “It’s not.”

“I miss him.”

“I know.”

More silence. “I told you the dark is revealing.”

He smirked sadly. He wished he could tell her something just as revealing. But telling her he loved her so wholly when they weren’t in a relationship, not an actual one, after she was grieving for a moment in time, didn’t seem right. Harry wanted to tell her it was easy. Easy to love her. It was effortless having her in his life. He wanted to reveal something of equal weight. If only so she wouldn’t be sad. “I like getting t’know you,” he said instead.

“Even though I’m the reason someone died?”

He shook his head and gave her a reassuring squeeze. “Someone else made a dumb decision, love. Of course, your brother would come t’help you. I’d do the same for Gem,” he promised. “S’in the brother handbook.”

“Louis said the same thing...he has a bunch of younger sisters...and me.”

“Louis would still do it for you, too; I’m sure.” They were silent again. He thought she fell asleep. Sometimes she would do that. So, he asked the question that had been burning in his mind forever. “I don’t want t’pry...What happened with your parents...after that?”

She shook her head. “Maybe another middle of the night talk. Not this one,” she mumbled.

He nodded. “Yeah, of course, love.”

“Thank you for...everything Harry. Really,” she yawned and nuzzled closer to his chest.

“Course, love,” he repeated and let her fall asleep beside him peacefully.

*

Wednesday

There was yelling from the other side of the door as she knocked, then immediately entered his office with tea. Right as she opened the door, he slammed the phone down to his desk. Then picked it back up and slammed it three more times into the receiver. She blinked and cringed with each hit. He slid a hand over his face and turned to face the window. Part of her thought he didn’t register she was in the room.

“Harry,” she said softly.

He shook his head. “Love, please jus’ leave the tea and go,” he grumbled. “M’gonna snap and I don’t want it t’be at you,” he sounded infuriated. Interns never seemed to work out because of his anger... She knew Niall worked hard to keep her away from Harry’s outbursts. Mostly because Niall knew Harry would never forgive himself if he ever broke her heart or scared her because of his job. But she still knew the stories. The whispers in the breakroom and by the copier about his anger weren’t something she could ignore. Sometimes Harry’s angry tone filled the whole floor. She bit her lip at his warning and nodded silently.

After she set the tea on his desk, she sat on the couch across the room. She sipped at her drink watching him tap on his phone screen searching for something. He turned back around after a moment looking at his computer and then she saw his eyes flicker over to her. “I know I told you t’leave,” his voice was icy. But she saw his gaze soften just a hair.

She didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to set him off or make him any angrier than he already was. She was content to sit there...just wanted to wait there in case he needed her because that’s what she did. Even if he was going to pretend that she wasn’t there.

His phone was ringing from the other end while he called someone. “I need the file we looked at this morning...” A pause and she watched him clench his fist and he squeezed his eyes shut angrily. “Well, I don’t have it!” he snapped slamming his fist on the desk. “If I had it, I wouldn’t have called! Can’t you just do what I fucking ask and bring—"

She hurried to his computer after he slammed his fist down. Not caring even a little, when he hardly moved out of her way and continued yelling at the poor person at the other end of the line. The words he snarled into the phone didn’t reach her ears. With three clicks and a few taps it was on his screen. She stepped out of his way and sat back on the couch waiting for the next mini blowup. He put his phone down again as his eyes scanned the screen. He grumbled about something unintelligible under his breath and he tapped on his phone screen again and brought it to his ear for all of five seconds.

“Come here,” he said into his phone.

Within moments, Niall was there. He frowned seeing Harry’s anger but managed a quick wink at the sweet girl sitting quietly on the couch. She sipped her coffee while Niall went behind Harry’s desk. He looked at the screen for a few moments and she saw his face falter a bit; he rubbed his hand on the back of his head. “Well, we knew this was coming.”

Harry turned away and paced to the other end of the room. Hands on the back of his head. Niall scrolled on his screen and sighed. He glanced at her. She hadn’t taken her eyes off the pair of them since Niall stood next to Harry. “C’mere,” he said to her. She hurried back over. He pointed to several itemized lines and murmured a few things that she only had a vague understanding of due to her limited understanding of things that happened here at Styles Incorporated solely because in the grand scheme of things, she hadn’t been there that long, and she was just an intern.

She looked at the numbers, pursed her lips in concentration and did her best to calculate quickly. “Can you shrink this number?” She asked, pointing at the screen.

He glanced at Harry who looked ready to jump out the window. His head pressed to the glass taking deep, angry breaths. “No, darling.”

“How about this one?” She pointed to a different cell. He shook his head again. She looked over at Harry who was clearly distraught. Sighing, she thought for a few quiet breaths and Niall frowned as he scrolled. She thought back to all her classes, every lecture, and every assignment she had ever worked on. Unfortunately, she came to only one conclusion.

“You can have them file for bankruptcy,” she shrugged.

Niall pushed her behind him as soon as the beginning of that b-word left her mouth. Harry hated that word. At the same time, Harry spun rapidly, took three long strides, and menacingly glared through Niall in her direction. “Are you fucking serious?” He hissed but he was staring so angrily at Niall, but the expression was really meant for her. She gulped audibly. This had to have been the nightmarish things that previous interns spoke about. It made her stomach churn and she thought she might throw up. God bless Niall for standing in her way—she knew Harry wouldn’t resort to physical violence. Not even a little. She felt it in her soul. But part of her wondered if it would hurt less than his cutting, angry voice.

No wonder Niall never let her be around Harry when he was mad. This was terrifying.

“Harry—” Niall started.

She blinked in surprise at how angry he got. At her. But he did warn her. Her heart felt like it was going to beat right out of her chest. “I am not having them file,” he growled.

Her face definitely turned red, and she swallowed nervously. “It’s your only option,” she whispered standing her ground anyway. He flung the cordless keyboard across the room. It smashed into the wall and many of the keys fluttered off in a heap against the wall. She flinched at the sound as he paced back to that side of the room.

“Darling, kindly shut it,” Niall whispered over his shoulder.

Harry paced and paced. Niall was still standing in front of her protectively as Harry grumbled to himself trying to make sense of it. “Why?” He practically barked at her. “Why’s it my only option?”

She took a deep breath. “The legal fees would equate to more than the bankruptcy payback.” He stopped pacing and turned to look at her. Niall even turned around and stared at her in surprise. “What?” She felt like this was a worse thing to say than bankruptcy. Niall stepped from in front of her and used the mouse to click through different screens on the computer, it took a moment because he no longer had a keyboard. He glanced at Harry and nodded.

Harry took a deep breath. “Can y’please explain that for me, love?” His voice was still tight with anger but at least he wasn’t barking at her or throwing things.

So, she did her best to explain that she remembered this once case she studied in her quantitative decision-making class. How it was expensive but kept the company afloat to file for a chapter of bankruptcy that allowed them to pay back the debt and keep going on if they could make it a few years. “She’s right...” Niall said clicking on the computer and gesturing to the screen. “Obviously,” he muttered under her breath.

Harry looked at the screen. While they did, she did some calculations on her phone. “So, they keep their assets?” He asked, looking up at her from the screen while Niall searched something on his phone to show Harry.

She nodded. “As long as they make this much,” she said and held her phone up to the two men.

Niall smirked. “I like her,” he said knowingly.

Harry sighed, still embittered. “Can you go buy me a new keyboard, love?” He asked.

Feeling like she had finally made a difference and helped a bit, she grabbed her coffee and nodded. “Sure,” she said softly.

“Don’t spend your own money on it either,” Harry said knowingly without looking up at her. She smirked to herself and left his office before she could say any more wrong things.

*

Since it was a Wednesday, she hadn’t seen Harry outside the office for two days. After getting the new keyboard and plugging it in, Harry was swamped for the remainder of the day. Lawyers, Niall, and others kept filing in and out of his office. At five in the evening, when most everyone was leaving, they were still coming and going. Niall hadn’t seen her in hours while she sat at her desk sending him files, answering calls, and taking messages. She knocked on the door before entering, carrying five or so pizzas and an assortment of drinks. Niall was the only one who noticed.

He winked at her, mouthed thank you, and watched as she left.

It was another hour before Harry noticed he was eating pizza...with pineapple on the slice. “Who got this?” He muttered.

“That cute intern of Niall’s,” one of the lawyers said.

“That’s your intern Niall? I’d be begging for her to alleviate the stress—”

“I wouldn’t finish that sentence if I were you,” Niall said calmly. Harry was glad he had a bite of pizza in his mouth and Niall interrupted that sentence before it finished. After the day Harry had he wasn’t sure he had much self-control left to not physically attack someone—especially on behalf of her.

How did he not notice the sweet girl bringing pizza? He was certain even if the room was on fire, he would still take the time to notice her. He frowned. He had no idea she did this.

“I think this is enough for tonight, Mr. Styles,” someone said after hours of being there. Harry hadn’t looked at the time in ages. Since before lunch at least. He was only vaguely aware that it was after one at some point only because she brought his daily tea. He nodded silently, still upset about the day but also that he had no idea the perfect girl was there.

“You screamed at her, y’know,” Niall said condensing the pizza boxes. Placing the empty ones by the trashcan for the maintainers to take care of. After everyone left. Harry was helping clean up as well and packing his things.

Harry tended to get a little fuzzy on his consciousness when he was mad. “I told her to leave.”

“You’re stupid for thinking she would,” he rolled his eyes. “She’s quite brilliant,” Niall said knowingly. “When are you going to offer her a job?”

“It’s complicated,” he remarked. “I think if I create a job for her, people...will get suspicious.”

“Who cares?”

Harry worked extremely hard to get Styles Incorporated where it was so quickly. You didn’t become a thirty under thirty member without working hard. In all that time, Harry made every decision he could to the best of his ability. He always wondered if he made mistakes. He loved this company. It was his pride and joy.

The idea of losing pieces of it broke his heart. Since it happened twice within the last three months, and she managed to save both those pieces from falling to the wayside...

She seemed to know how much he loved his job, his legacy. He didn’t like her idea all that much today, even if it was good or his only option. Even when he yelled at her and snarled like she wasn’t the most special person he knew. She still voiced her opinion, and he knew that had to have been hard for her.

It hurt him to think of failing in even one little branch. But he couldn’t argue with her that it was the best option he had for this moment. “This was a brilliant idea,” one of the lawyers said as they typed furiously on their laptop. It was hours after the lovely girl left the new keyboard on his desk. Harry didn’t respond with anything but one little nod. “We should keep this in mind...would have saved you some money a few years ago,” she remarked with a gentle smile.

Niall saying “who cares” suddenly sparked something in him. Why did he care? She was brilliant. He didn’t have to convince anyone of that. It was obvious when she walked into any room, took a passing glance at whatever document they were discussing, any graph they were looking at and she casually pointed out inconsistencies and almost always managed to save him money.

“Have the other interns been like her?” He asked quietly. He had been so closed off, so worried about the reasons they were truly there... The thought of that horrible woman who made comments to the sweet girl about sleeping with him... Harry would feel terrible if he was so cynical about the entire intern process if a quarter of them were as smart as her.

Niall smiled at his best friend. The relief flooded him before Niall even spoke. “Harry, I don’t think there’s anyone like her.”

*

The knock on her door surprised her. She thought it might be Louis or Eleanor who couldn’t be bothered to walk the last five blocks back to their place after a late-night dinner. It was nearing ten and she was snuggled up on the couch with her book and music playing on the TV.

Harry was leaning against the opposite wall as she opened the door. “Oh, hi,” she said softly.

Harry stayed where he was, and he smiled at her, tiredly. “You’re so cute,” he mumbled.

She glanced down at her pajamas. A mismatching pair of shorts and a tank top. One sock on because only the left one was cold. Harry looked tired but beautiful as ever. His button-down sleeves rolled up to his elbows, tucked into his dress pants. The tie he had been wearing all day was gone, the button at his neck undone. His hair looked as if he ran his hand through it a few too many times but his tiredness seemed most evident on his face.

“Come in,” she said opening the door wider. “Do you need something to eat or drink?” She asked.

“No... had the pizza y’got us,” he murmured finding his way to the couch, he folded the corner of the page where she was reading and set the book on the coffee table. He waited for her to sit beside him and once she did, his head was in her lap. “M’sorry I screamed at you. Y’didn’t deserve that.”

“I knew you didn’t mean it,” she threaded her fingers through his hair and lightly rubbed at his scalp. “Is it all taken care of?”

“Thanks t’you,” he mumbled. She smiled softly, grateful she could ease his anger and allow him to sleep. She didn’t say anything for a bit and soon enough he was asleep in her lap. She reached for her book and read for the better part of an hour while he snored gently into her leg.

When an hour had passed, she gently pulled herself out from his head and began undressing him down to his boxers. It took effort but once he was mostly naked, she tugged him off the couch holding him up as much as she could with his tall frame to drop him into her bed. She curled up to him, grateful for the extra night with him. The first one at her place, at that.

The moon was bright even through the closed blinds, making his skin practically glow as she faced his sleeping figure. His arm beneath her pillow outstretched so she fit neatly beneath his chin if she was close enough. Their legs twisted together, his much longer than hers.

She was quiet for a bit, tracing the sparrows tattooed just below his collarbones. “They stopped talking to me,” she whispered. It wasn’t quite the standard middle of the night, but it was pressing on her mind because it was rapidly approaching the seven-year anniversary of that horrible day and it hurt so freshly, so sharply. Like it was only a week ago. She wasn’t sure Harry was even awake, but she said it anyway...maybe it was better he didn’t hear anyway. “Except for when they had too much to drink. Then they just yelled and yelled. At each other, at me...” she swallowed the pain down. “If I didn’t go out, he wouldn’t have gone to get me. We would still be a family...he was their prince,” she explained.

Her fingers drifted over his arm that rested gently with his hand at her hip. She traced the heart tattoo, the rose, and then the anchor at his wrist. “They stopped caring about me, but I couldn’t stop caring about them. I made dinner for them even if they didn’t always eat. If they did, they complained about it. I stopped eating with them. We didn’t watch movies together on Sunday evenings. We didn’t celebrate Christmas. Part of me thinks they only kept me there because they knew deep down, I was still a minor and they had to—I could ruin their lives worse by reporting them...” she bit her lip. “I don’t even think I would do that... At some point... they were the only people that ever took care of me... but then they just stopped and honestly, I don’t blame them.”

Harry didn’t make any note that he could hear but she kept going anyway. “So, I started taking care of everyone I crossed paths with...” she paused for a moment just to see if anything registered on Harry’s mind. It didn’t seem like it. But it made it easier for her to tell the story.

“When I turned 18, I invited Louis over to help me. I didn’t say with what. But the second he saw my parents...the ones that didn’t love me anymore... Louis moved me into his place... I felt so horrible, but I actually asked him to stay there just until... until I left for university at the end of the summer. He looked... betrayed. Like I let him down... He gave me the lecture of the century and Eleanor just braided my hair while he did. They made my favorite food. Neither of them said Happy Birthday once and I didn’t even care because for even just one day someone was taking care of me again,” she had done well up to this point not crying.

She sniffled and shook her head. She reached up and outlined Harry’s eyebrows, the shape of his nose. The curve of his lips and the jawline that ached her to the core. “Louis doesn’t talk about it, but I know he saw more than I ever wanted him to. I know he resents the way I hid. I think part of him wished I still lived with him. He insisted I stay the summers I came home from university,” she told the sleeping figure.

“But I got a boyfriend part way through university. We moved in quickly. Of course, I took care of him... and I didn’t mind. I liked it. He liked it. He was easy... food, sex, cleaning...” she mumbled. “But I still went to visit my parents because I couldn’t help it. I’ve never told Louis that. I didn’t tell my therapist that either...I’m sure she would be mad. And you know, I still go twice a month without telling anyone. Well, except you now... I don’t know why... I don’t know... I couldn’t leave them...they...they have to be in there still, right? The people that threw me princess birthday parties and put Band-Aids on my knees after a fall on my bike? Even after...after all of it...they’re my parents somewhere in there. Every time I go it’s just...yelling and hating me. I clean, make sure there’s food in the fridge, and then I leave,” Harry didn’t answer her. “I was supposed to stay the night at a hotel because I was supposed to move some of the last of my things...but it was a bad day. I just wanted to go home... I guess I got the sex part right with him,” she said with a smirk but without humor in her voice. “Just...not with me. Guess I didn’t do a good job there either,” she sighed sadly. “So... There it is. They just...acted as if I died too.”

Harry didn’t move a muscle. She smiled softly and kissed his cheek. “I think that’s everything,” she whispered. “I think you know everything now,” she told him. “Good night, baby,” she whispered tucking herself against his chest.

There was no movement for at least a full minute and then his arms came around her so tightly, he squeezed her like he was trying to press all the broken pieces back together. “You’re so lovely,” he murmured. “Don’t forget that,” he pressed his lips to her temple and she closed her eyes tight trying to keep the tears from spilling over like a waterfall. “S’great t’know you,” he squeezed her again. “S’an honor t’know y’care ‘bout me,” he mumbled to her.

She nodded her head in recognition that she had heard him but if she spoke, she would either cry or, worse, tell him she loved him. So, she sighed deeply against his chest and slowly fell asleep while he pressed another kiss to her forehead. Like he was trying to heal her from the outside in just by kissing the front of her tired, sad brain.

Part of her thought that with Harry it might work.

*

Next Wednesday

Harry was going to lose his mind. When he started the day, he was so excited that he finally had good news for the sweet girl and was excited about their future. He couldn’t wait to surprise her during their movie night the following day, at home snuggled on the comfy couch.

Instead, he was totally blindsided by the fourth of the same type of phone call of that same day.

The call started out the same as all the other ones he’d been getting. They introduced themselves. “Aye, Harry. Zayn. How are you?”

Harry blinked in surprise at the voice at the other end. Zayn was CEO of his own company, located a few towns over called Malik Industries. Rarely did they interact with one another because their clientele was very different. But every so often at big black-tie shin digs and philanthropic events they’d run into one another. In this business, it was all about networking. He was hoping he wouldn’t get this call only because Zayn was closest to his age... which was closer to her age... “Right, good. Yourself?”

“Great. Listen, I’ll make this quick, I know you’re a busy guy. I have an application in front of me and it lists you and Niall as references, and I’m used to seeing Niall’s name... but I had to ask you. You never give your name as a reference.” His heart stopped because he could only guess who the application belonged to.

She applied here too?

“Harry?” He asked. “Did I lose you?”

“Uh...” he shook his head trying to regain his composure. He was absolutely confused. She didn’t say anything about applying to any of these places and this was the fourth phone call he had to sit through with an aching heart. “No, sorry. Untimely email,” he muttered quickly. He wasn’t even facing his computer.

“Right, I understand. I’ll keep it short... you think she would be good here?”

His breath caught in his throat. She would be good anywhere. But the idea of not seeing her smiling face each afternoon carrying tea in her hands to his office (not that she would continue to have to do that if she worked here full time) was the last thing Harry wanted. “Uh...yeah, she...she would be great.”

There was a pause and a short chuckle. “I know you don’t usually do these reference calls, but there’s usually a bit more than that.”

Harry swallowed the lump in his throat trying to get the words to spill out. How could he tell her she was perfect? How could he just give her away? He wanted her there all the time in every facet of his life. She made everything better. “I know, I know,” Harry shook his head again in an attempt to get his verbal processing to work again. “She’s perfect. She can do anything. Fit in anywhere. If she doesn’t know how t’do something, she’ll figure it out. Brilliant. Truly. It’s cutthroat out there and she still manages t’be an angel. Doesn’t even bat an eye in the face of adversity. She’ll keep morale up by decorating for holidays and she makes the best chocolate chip cookies I’ve ever had.”

“See that’s what—”

“You can’t have her,” Harry interrupted flatly.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought she applied because there—”

“Yes. No. I’m sorry,” he shook his head. “She did apply. She would be perfect. You can’t question that. Seriously. Y’would probably hand her the keys t’your office if she joined y’in any capacity. I want t’do that somedays...but I want t’keep her here.”

“I see,” Zayn sounded agreeable. “She sounds quite special. Her recommendations, her transcript, everything is incredible. She seems like a wonderful asset Harry. Are you sure you have room for her?”

He prickled at the notion that he wouldn’t make room for her. “Yes,” he said definitively.

“Alright. Well, good for you. I hope she’s happy there. I’ll take her application any time in the future if you see a reason she needs to go elsewhere.”

Harry didn’t see it happening ever. “Sorry t’disappoint.”

“Not a problem at all. You know a good one when you see them, I get it. Have a good one,” the call ended abruptly. As if on cue, she knocked and opened his door at quarter past the hour. Clockwork. She closed the door quickly.

“Hi baby,” she winked as she whispered the pet name at him. “Brought your tea. And I got us some cake pops. I think they’re yummy. Maybe we could try to make them from scratch this weekend.”

There is no way she could just go. His heart fluttered at her words, and he smiled. He felt the ache in his chest melting away as it always did when she was around while he was upset. “Whatever you want, kitten.”

Harry didn’t tell her about the good news during movie night. He was too upset about all the phone calls.

He didn’t tell her while they were making cake Pops on that Saturday either.

*

When she chose to just exist that weekend a couple months ago, and not remember anything that happened over her horrible couple of days and not think about her parents, she did catch up with Louis and Eleanor that following Tuesday. Harry watched from her kitchen as the pair of them cooed over her and she let some tears fall.

“Your mum’s not having a memorial,” Eleanor told her. So that was that. It was over.

“Oh,” she said like it was a surprise.

Louis glanced at Eleanor and pursed his lips. She combed her hair back and gave her another hug while Louis pressed his hand to her shoulder and gave it a squeeze. Louis glanced at Harry and shrugged. Harry thought that meant her mum wasn’t having a memorial that she could attend. It hardened Harry’s heart while he set some mugs of tea on her counter out for the three of them.

The lawyers managed to get some information about her inheritance. The house was already in a trust under her name. “Harry, we’re grasping a bit at straws here. We don’t practice family law,” he reminded him during their next movie night.

“I know, I know. M’sorry,” he said rubbing the back of his neck while he watched from the kitchen as the girl swayed quietly on the porch swing. At the end of February, she was still insistent on sitting in the freezing cold. “I jus’ want t’make sure she’s taken care of.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t think this woman cares,” he said bluntly.

Harry frowned and ended the phone call before heading to the swing with mugs of hot chocolate. She lifted the blanket, a beanie hat almost falling into her eyes as he slid in beside her. She rested her head on his shoulder and for the moment Harry just let her live knowing that as long as she stayed here, she was cared for.

Which is why he was so happy when the lawyers finally informed him that she would have the house... eventually. The life insurance policy was never changed out of her name, and it wasn’t like they could change it now. All of it was something that could ease the ache of the worry she had.

Harry attended the memorial service, too, a week or so after that. He told her and Niall he was attending to business out of town. Niall looked at him suspiciously and he felt bad lying to the sweet girl but he...he wanted to...well he didn’t even know what he wanted. He just wanted to know what her parents were like.  There were many people there. He was surprised that they still had friends after cutting off their sweet daughter. But Harry was trying his best not to judge their mourning.

He saw Louis and Eleanor there gently consoling her mother without it truly reaching their eyes. Louis saw Harry at the edge of the mourners at the cemetery, he gave him a succinct nod and then tilted his head discreetly to the right.

When everyone left, he headed to where Louis gestured, totally alone.

He read the dates on the stone, did the math, and he sighed. “I’ll do anything for her,” he knelt and pulled some weeds away from the flowers laid there. Quietly to her brother’s grave, he whispered “I promise.”

*

Monday

Now seemed like it was too late to tell her anything about the good news. She had seemed off all evening. Maybe it was the stress of graduation and her internship. The office had been so busy lately they hardly had a moment to have tea in the afternoon.

It was his own fault, however. When all said and done.

Now, he was walking her home from dinner. Well, actually, he was nearly running after her. She refused to get in the car. Despite how late it was. So, Harry followed her on foot. She was fast, even in the little heels she wore. The driver was close behind on their trail as well.

“I didn’t ask for you to do that!” She snapped at him. She never snapped at him. Not once. And there were plenty of times she could have over the last eight and a half months. But he thought he was being helpful. Figuring out the stuff with her mum, finding a way to finally split Niall’s position. All of it.

He thought things were going so well and even with the end of her internship coming up at the end of the next month, he was so hopeful for their future in so many ways. He didn’t really know what went wrong. He kept the conversation light trying to figure out her slightly soured mood. It didn’t seem completely fair, but he was heartbroken that he made her upset.

But it was the email that was the final straw. She received it in the middle of dinner. Mr. Malik stated there must have been miscommunication as she would be staying with Styles Incorporated. He would love to have her, feel free to apply in the future if so needed, but of course, she should stay where she’s comfortable.

Harry was in mid-conversation with the waiter, ordering dessert. Something she was reallylooking forward to when she read through the email. But the second she finished it she was angry and didn’t want dessert. She called Niall quickly, while Harry was still chatting, holding one finger up as she put her phone to her ear.

He winked at her, continuing his conversation and didn’t mind at all whether she was using her phone nor questioning it. He’d done so many times before and she was always so kind and patient about it. If he did question it, so shortly after the email, maybe he would have seen it coming. But he didn’t...he didn’t see it coming at all. “Did you...talk to Mr. Malik?” She asked him when Niall answered.

“No, darling, I haven’t heard from him or...or anyone yet about your applic—”

“Never mind,” she hung up. The second she uttered the name of another company Harry’s voice died in the conversation he was having, and he directed his attention to her.

“Did you?” She asked, point blank.

“Yes,” he said. “I told him you would be a perfect fit.”

She blinked. “Then why does he think I’m staying at Styles Incorporated?”

Harry frowned. “Don’t you want to?”

She wasn’t going to lie. “I mean...yes...but don’t you think you should have told me you were going to hire me before—”

“I just figured—"

“Harry...I’ve been rejected or ghosted from everywhere I applied to. I’ve been crying to Niall so stressed and anxious that I’m not good enough and—have you been telling everyone in the area?”

“You’ve been crying about—?”

“Harry,” she snapped.

He was surprised by her tone. “Of course...I want t’keep you,” he whispered.

“Well, what if I can’t,” her voice cracked, her hand fiddling with her silverware on the plate.

“What are y’talking about? Of course, y’can,” he said quickly reaching across the table for her hand but she pulled it back. “Kitten.”

“I don’t want dessert,” she said and stood up and marched out of the restaurant. He hurried to throw money on the table and follow after her.

When they made it to her apartment building, she was huffing. She was angry the entire way there not listening to Harry call after her, not stopping even though he begged. Harry felt like he was losing her with every step. When they reached her door, he tried again to console her as best he could. “Love, I just wanted to hel—”

“I know you feel entitled to everything I am and do because of what we are, but I didn’t ask you to do any of that! Stay out of my business.”

“Kitten,” Harry felt crushed, like she stole all the air out of her lungs.

“I know you told Louis and Eleanor about my graduation ceremony, and I let it slide... because part of me is hoping they forget that it’s in two weeks because right now, I don’t want to go. It hurts to think about my brother’s ceremony—the last time we were a family. And I know you had your lawyers talking to my mom because she called me today all up and arms about how I’m selfish to even take what she’s giving me and of course I hadn’t a clue what she was talking about. I thought it was a prank,” Harry was silent as he listened. “I know you have your driver follow me around whenever I’m out walking. Not even at night,” still quiet. But he dropped his gaze to the floor for a moment before looking back up at her. It did sound controlling when she was so angry. “On top of all that, I hadn’t gotten any notice about my student loans so I called my servicer to inquire. And guess what?”

Harry’s lips pressed together. He didn’t say a word. Because of course he already knew why she didn’t get any info about her loans. “Now this? Harry, I’ve worked my butt off to do this on my own and you just...told every company within a twenty-mile radius that I’m staying, and I didn’t even get to know that I could do it on my own? That all my hard work and all those hard things I had to face on my own just meant nothing? I thought I failed so miserably.” She was crying so hard, and she wished she wasn’t but every time she felt anger coursing through her it was an unfortunate consequence. Harry just wanted to console her and make it stop. He felt so terrible.

Every day she showed up to work and made everyone’s life so much easier. She baked brownies for the breakroom, made copies for anyone that asked because she was the only one who could stop it from jamming, and of course she went out every day, snow, sleet, hail, or rain to get himself and Niall their Starbucks order. She took care of him when he was sick and saved such a large chunk of his company, he could never repay her. All he wanted to do was help her the way she helped everyone else.

“Love,” he whispered reaching for her. She stepped out of his way.

“Just go,” she snapped as she slammed the door shut in his face. His heart felt broken, but he couldn’t think of anything to say. Because as always, she was right. He just...did everything for her because he could. Really because he wanted to, but he should have at least asked.

He could hear the sniffles and her tears through the door. He waited a minute listening to her gasping breath hoping something in his head would click. Something would appear in his mind that he could say to her. But in times like this, it was usually her that knew what to do. So of course, he couldn’t ask her. As he turned to leave, he heard her croaked voice whispering Louis’ name into the phone.

--

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[torturedpoetemotions]

The party starts well before the 14th.

Dean and Cas spent so many years holding back, so many years with precious little to celebrate.

It starts at dawn the Friday before. Dean gets up early and tiptoes to the kitchen to make coffee and pancakes before Cas wakes up. PB&J pancakes, to be exact...Cas's favorite.

He delivers a stack of hot, fluffy pancakes and a mug of very sweet black coffee to Cas on the tray Sam got them for a wedding present, the one with bees on it. He sets it down on the night stand and kisses Cas awake slowly, grinning as his early morning glare goes soft and content.

They spend the day together. No chores. No errands. Dean takes Cas to the local Walmart to "rescue" as many plants as they can fit in a cart. He helps Cas pot them all when they get home, getting soil-smudges on his angel's face when he pulls him in for a kiss every time one is done. Lunch and dinner are Cas's favorite things, and Dean leaves the dishes for later as he pulls Cas upstairs to bed.

Saturday morning it's Cas who wakes first, but when he tiptoes down to the kitchen he fibds the dishes all washed, dried, and put away. There's a little heart-shaped note in front of the sink that says "come back to bed, angel" in Dean's handwriting. Cas does, bringing coffee with him. He doesn't wake Dean with kisses, per se, but what he does do has Dean awake and gasping his name within minutes.

They sip their coffee in the afterglow and then stay in bed all day, still finding new ways to touch and tease and delight each other after two years.

Sunday they both wake up bright and early, and spend the day getting the house ready. Their love is something they celebrate alone together, but their wedding? That was one hell of a party, and Dean is determined to top it every single year.

By Monday afternoon the house is filled with the smells of barbecue and baking apples, and the front yard has been transformed with tables and string lights and a plywood dance floor. Guests start trickling in as the sun begins to set, and by the time night falls the little hollow where Dean and Cas made their home is alive with laughter, dancing, and music.

Cas gives a speech that makes Dean cry. Dean kisses him silly, never one for big speeches himself but just as eager to show his affection. They toast to love, and family, and living. They fall asleep curled up together on the porch swing before midnight, watching everyone they love enjoy themselves.

Tomorrow they'll wake up cold and stiff except where their bodies are curled together. Tomorrow they'll rouse grumbling bundles of blanket from every corner of the house. Tomorrow they'll make enough bacon and eggs to feed an army...or a hard-won family. But for tonight they ring in their second wedding anniversary shoulder to shoulder, asleep beneath the stars. Safe and sound, and free.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary203

4/5-6/2024

friday - saturday

annoyed.

my gf had me go out with our friend because he successfully defended his thesis today. i didn't think i would but i was persuaded and i stood around in a club i didn't really want to be in for 2 hours listening to music that was either okay or decent but i wasn't enthused. i liked everyone i knew there but i didn't really have anything to say. i just didn't feel there or want to be there.

today i also got asked by my coworker to spot her some money, 30 dollars, i have 24 laying around, i say yeah. she says, don't tell anyone and that's weird but it seems like a shame thing. so like, other people are around, i don't get to, or she doesn't let me. it seems easy to explain that she can't pay a phone bill or something to them, but maybe she's done this in the past and they have no sympathy. i just feel like i should be good for one favor probably. after that i am kind of spent, with everyone mostly, or at least with money. i tell this to my gf and she's like sure yeah.

but then when i bring up that i'll have to probably go over there w/ friends to just hand her the money she says like, why are you doing that, whatever, not in a jealous way, just like, what if we need money and like we aren't doing well i guess but every time i try to talk about it with her, if i need to keep my job for longer than i think to offer money up, pay for something, she says no. straight up no, it's not important that i do that. it's detrimental to her even for me to have a job because it makes me prickly and exhausted.

she does that in front of people, which makes me panic because it seems like we've been in the middle of a crisis and that she's trying to make me look bad on a night i didn't even want to come out for. i just got off work when she called, i had to go home and get myself ready for a second time today, and then i just stood around while people drank and i did nothing. which is fine that's the life i've made for myself basically. but it upsets me that she'd spring it on me out of nowhere like that.

when we got home i was like, what was that, are we fucked, what is going on, why would you spring it on me like that and catastrophize, and she was just like, sorry, i guess.

she feels worse than that but i don't know. i don't feel like i'm very cruel for being upset about this. it's not like i need or want anyone to validate me either, i just want to put the thoughts here, to see where i feel tomorrow i guess. this is the first 'large' argument we've had in a while. i ask her like once a week if i need to keep my job and pay for something, it's routine and it seems to bother her, but i keep doing it because i am so not in the loop about money because she decides i'm too anxious and stupid to deal with it, but then she brings it up in a way that's like, socially humiliating or something? like i don't know. it's pointed to do it like that and maybe she doesn't even realize, i imagine she doesn't, but this is the kind of thing being raised by her mother would bring out, as in, it's just a kind of behavior she learns and it's not like i can really even blame her, or maybe it's not even fair to say it's learned. i know it's a real anxiety, but it's such a failure to talk to me seriously. idk.

and then before then she spent the whole night trying to have fun with me by grabbing my arms and touching me and i kept saying no and it took until like the 5th fucking time each time to get her to stop. i wanted to not be touched. i don't care if it makes me cold i am just like that sometimes i don't want to be touched all of the time i can't handle it, it feels bad sometimes, like painful and like bugs crawling on me. it's anyone that can do this, anyone on earth will make me feel like that and it's not some issue with her. it's me but i'd like it to be respected or something.

there's other stuff today too that's not a relationship drama. i mean most of our day was good together, what little there was because i spent most of my time at work. we saw our friend who defended his thesis earlier, or she brought him over before i left. that was nice. i liked seeing her then. i liked seeing her in the club even though i wasn't having fun and she was irritating me sometimes.

and then i wanted to work on music stuff today but i just have no time and people are coming over tomorrow. i feel hurried and bothered.

as soon as i got home i had like 2 people texting me anxiously as i was trying to get ready, my gf and co worker. my gf was trying to get an uber to me, or our friend got it and then she was coordinating, and my co worker just desperate about me trying to get to work tomorrow to give her 24 dollars. my gf is crazy if she thinks i want to do this but it's like, if someone is asking me of all people for help, and not their parents, not other people, they must either be scared of something or just not getting any other help, which makes me feel bad and it's not like this cash was in any fund for anything. it was literally my money, untethered to any plans of any kind. i don't want anything from me helping her, i literally just want to know that her life is less bad or something, this is the minimum i can do for anybody and it makes me feel awful i can't do it most of the time.

if i consider what she said from her side, which i really should, it is obviously the kind of thing where she's just talking and joking like, oh why help her, she has parents, haha, and like yeah, it's funny and i should have said no but i didn't, so i am on the hook and as easy as it is to get off the hook it's like, that's happened to me too much to want to keep it going, not even with money just in general, people fall through, they are flakes, i would like to not be. at the same time she said something not really thinking (drunk), she really hurt my feelings, or upset me in multiple ways beyond hurt feelings. it's not fun to have to put this in front of other people, i don't think it's noble or worth anything, it's not even the amount she needs it's just literally the most i can spare as it's not sitting in my bank account, it is purely liquid and never accounted for, it sat here for weeks. if my gf needed it she could have taken it, if i needed it, i could have used it.

but the money is not the important part, it's that she was just trying to joke and dissuade me from helping, and that it came out relatively bad to me, she is probably right that no one else will think about it but i also wonder like, what is with the impulse to air it out like that anyways. whatever. i just don't want to be mad at her and i guess i'm not, she is probably upset at me for being upset at a failed joke but i don't really feel wrong for it. just like i should have let it go easier or something. but idk. on some level i feel like i can never tell her how i feel about anything. if i do, she takes it mega personal, which she is now, and it's always been that way. i feel trapped by it, i can't do anything about it.

anyway, reading was good. i am liking the hito steyerl essays more, and foucault is insightful as always, he got to the inquisition as an early example, or maybe not example, just vision of the disciplinary structures that would arrive, an antecedent of the panopticon in ways, but still very different as it organized nature, created natural sciences and enabled the exploitation of that domain, the panoptic structure does this for 'the human'. one thing caught me, is lodged in this book is something rather anti-hegelian i guess, or against the dialectic, it's a very simple thing, but given that these ideas of the sovereign aren't really excised so much as repurposed, for instance the parade as expression of discipline, the ritual still in some way points to the sovereign, as well, the sovereign is now managed, not kings literally but a sovereignty and right of individuals, this is developed and managed via methods of coercion, very interesting, as it posits not a real humanization of things, an improvement, but a method of retention and recycling. or perhaps this is my incorrect and strange reading and i am actually quite stupid.

i am stupid, aren't i.

so that is where i am at. i guess i'm going to listen to the album tomorrow, see how it sounds, maybe try another sequencing of it, and then, idk, take notes i guess.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[emo-sebastianstardew]

Demolition Lovers Part 3 Sebastian x Farmer Stardew Valley Fanfic

(Okay I've figured out the rating for this story. It's going to be 18+. In this chapter we discuss smoking and there is some cursing. Also at the end of this chapter things get a little hot and heavy. So please enjoy and Part 4 will be coming soon. Don't forget to follow and like so you get the update for the next parts)

"Bye (farmers name)." They all said and waved.

You started walking out. For some reason Sebastians words just kept playing over in your head. You left the Saloon and sat outside for second in your thoughts. Did Sebastian really meant what he said about Abby? Was there something going on between them? Why do you care so much? Just forget about it right its your first night anyways. But like always someone interrupted your thoughts.

"Hey (farmers name). You didn't wait for me."'

You jumped from the sound of his voice.

"Sebastian!" You screamed.

He started laughing.

"I actually scared you. Sorry." He grinned.

"You're a dick." You glared at him.

"I said I was sorry. Come on you can't be mad at me." He said sheepishly.

"Fine you're right." You huffed.

"Come on there's this spot I want to take you too." He gestured for you to follow.

You followed him out of town square. He took you to the forest. You both didn't say anything just taking in the view of the woods. He took you to a dock in the middle of the pond. He sat down at the edge of the dock. You sat down beside him. He broke the silence finally.

"Sorry about Abby. She doesn't normally act like that. I don't know why she did." He blurted out.

"It's okay. No hard feelings. Shall we smoke?" You smiled.

"Absolutely." He grinned.

You pulled the joint out of your jacket and handed it to him. He took it lightly and grabbed his lighter. He put it in his mouth and sparked it. You were just watching him for a second. Then you decided to break the silence.

"So why here?" You asked as he passed it to you.

"I like this spot at night. It's quiet and you can hear the frogs." He smiled.

"Frogs are cool. I personally really like the view." You smiled passing it back to him.

"The view is pretty nice. Sooo... what do you like to read?" He asked.

"I like comic books. I used to get the newest issue every week in the city. But now with the farm. I probably won't have much time to read them." You replied taking it back from him.

"That's true. Is working on a farm hard?" He asked raising an eyebrow.

"Well it is just my first day so not much has been done. But I don't think so. I'm growing parsnips and cauliflower right now. So that's cool I guess haha. What about you? What do you like to read?" You asked passing it back to him.

"Wow you're already growing stuff. That's pretty cool. I read comics too. I'm reading Cave Saga X right now. It's pretty good if you haven't read it yet." He smiled. He put the joint out and pulled out a cigarette. He lit it and started smoking.

"No I haven't read it yet. What are your plans for tomorrow?" You asked staring at him.

"Probably just working. Thats kinda all I do during the week. I usually get off at 3 for lunch break then go back to working. I'm done by 5 everyday except Fridays. I don't work Saturdays." He said smiling at you blowing out some smoke.

"You're a busy man Sebastian. What do you do for a living? Why is your schedule different on Fridays?" You asked just watching him and the water.

"Fridays at 3 I get off and head to the bar to play pool with Sam. I'm a freelance programmer. A lot of people don't take my job seriously." He turned away from you staring at the water.

"Programming is pretty bad ass. It's not something easy to learn. I think it's pretty cool you're a programmer." You smiled at him hesitantly placing your hand on his shoulder rubbing it.

"Thanks (farmers name). It means a lot to me you said that. I should probably get you home. Its almost 2 am." He smiled putting out his cigarette.

He stood up and held his hand out to help you up. You took his hand up and stood up next to him. He smelled so good, he didn't smell like weed or cigarettes he smelled quite pleasant. You didn't let go of his hand but he didn't say anything to you. You both started walking back to the farm holding hands. It was a pretty silent night. Once you got to the farm with him, he let go of your hand.

"Would you like to come in?" You asked looking at him.

"No I shouldn't. I've already spent you're whole first day bothering you." He smiled.

"What if I came by tomorrow on your lunch break and brought you lunch?" You asked smiling.

"You'd have to know what I like to eat in order to do that." He smirked.

"Hmmm what do you like to eat?" You grinned stepping closer to him.

"Guess. I'll let you suprise me. I swear if its bad, I'll still tell you its good." he grinned stepping closer to you.

"Oh really? Even if it's bad. I promise you it won't be bad. I'm a cook." You said. You both were very close to eachother. Just staring into eachothers eyes.

"I'm an extremely picky eater so no pressure." He smiled and brushed some of you hair behind your ear.

"Now it's challenge Sebby." You grinned. You took your finger and traced his jawline with it.

"Goodnight (farmers name)." He grinned waving goodbye to you and walked away.

You watched him leave the farm. Your heart was beating fast and you had butterflies in your stomach. Something about him was just so intoxicating. You really liked him. He had some confidence with the way he carried himself. He was funny and intelligent. He had this way about him that was so charming. You decided to go inside and get some sleep. Not only do you have plants to take care of in the morning but you had to make him a lunch he'd love...

To be continued soon....

[valewright67]

Are you okay?

Hello.

I'm a little stressed?

It's kinda stupid, honestly.

I start school on Monday, right? And it's my first year in college, I'm doing deaf studies and interpreting for ASL. I thought it would be good to learn asl, since I struggle to hear anyways.

Also, my therapist thinks I have autism? We're not gonna try to get a diagnoses, because that could very well be upwards of 5k, and I don't have that to throw around, yknow? But he strongly suspects, and I don't know what to do about that.

I have classes Monday and Wednesday in person, plus homework. Tuesday is my allotted online day, PLUS the one day with a flexible schedule I'll have to run any errands I may need to do. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I'm WORKING, 8 to 4. After that is any other homework I need to get done, plus all my household chores, and maybe some smaller errands, like shopping.

On top of that, my partner just like. Doesn't respond? We had plans today and tomorrow we made a couple weeks ago and I was trying to confirm and it's been EIGHT HOURS, and no response. I try to be patient, but this is a regular thing. I get he stays up most of the night and sleeps the day away, but it's 8:15 pm and NOTHING. He finally responds at 8:30 saying his phone is on the fritz and he got around it by connecting his number to his laptop. Which I can understand but I was half ready for HOURS. He couldn't have checked in earlier??

I'm not gonna HAVE any time off, I'm not gonna HAVE a day. And that in off itself stresses me out! Between school and work and homework and errands and chores, I'm either going to have time for sleep or a personal time. I can alternate between those well enough, I'm 18, almost 19, and I've got enough stamina to give up on sleep a couple nights a week. I won't be especially energetic, but I'll be able to function.

And I've been trying so hard to just WRITE, because I'm RUNNING OUT OF TIME. I've got ideas, LOADS of ideas, I'm up to the BRIM with them! And I'm not gonna have any time to write, this is my last chance, but I just CANT?

And you've sent me asks, I've seen them, I've thought about them, ive got stories, and then they just rot in my inbox, because I can't even START them. And do you know how many blurbs and thoughts and COMPLETELY FORMED STORIES I just need to actually WRITE? Like the Tristan reblog, do you know how much I want to add to that, but I can't pump anything out? I've got this great idea for the "by the way your best friends your mother" reveal. And I've got a big bro zel au I'm so PROUD of, and I want to share it with @demonprincezeldris but I've only got one section written, which I submitted WEEKS AGO AND WAS RESPONDED TO ALREADY. It was supposed to be a three part, and I've got the whole plot there, spent ages muling it over and hammering out every detail.

Then there's what I've got on A03. Did you know there's someone who thought I stopped writing Vorago because I didn't like their idea? That's not it at all! I LOVED their idea! But I couldn't even respond to their COMMENT, because what do I say?? "No, I stopped writing after you gave me this idea because I'm paralyzed staring at Google docs." And it was months ago, anyways! And I've got a bunch of others there that people want more of!

And I just. Can't. Write. No matter how hard I try. What I actually manage to force out is jilted and cringy and awful, and I will absolutely not publish that. It's almost worse than my WATTPAD ERA!

Almost. Those were dark days.

Im just so frustrated, because I'm OUT OF TIME, and I. Did. NOTHING. I'm not gonna have any time to write, even if I can, I'm not gonna have any time for a social life - that I barely had anyways - im not gonna have time for myself, im barely gonna have time to SLEEP. I feel like wasted what I had left.

Is this what it feels like to be an adult? I don't like it. I wanna be a kid again.

[timeoverload]

I think that today went pretty well. I forgot I didn't have cases this morning so I spent it wrapping totals. I got a lot done. The afternoon was easy too. There were 3 doctors working but I didn't get overwhelmed. I got to go outside for 5 minutes to see the eclipse. I'm glad one of my co-workers had some glasses so I didn't fry my retinas. It wasn't as exciting as the last one I saw but I'm glad I got to see it anyway. I got to leave like 10 minutes early so I was happy about that.

It was nice to not have to walk as much earlier because my leg is not working very well today. I'm not having a lot of pain but my muscles feel tight. It feels like the back of my leg is sort of numb but I'm not sure how to describe it. It's annoying but I will be ok.

I am very stressed about money and my car. I have had to buy a couple things the past couple days. I spent $70 on a big bag of cat food earlier. I still owe my dad like $80 for the plugs and wires. I found out a little while ago that my exhaust is going to cost $400 to replace so I can't do it right now. I am going to take it to the shop on Saturday anyway because it feels like it's really struggling. I shouldn't be driving it more than I need to. I hope I can make it through tomorrow and Wednesday without any issues since my dad won't be close by. I was sitting at a stop light earlier and it was shaking. It makes me so nervous. I don't like to run the air conditioner either. I really don't want to go downtown on Friday but I don't want to cancel. I don't know what to do. I am afraid to check my bank account right now.

I'm trying not to get too stressed but apparently I'm developing a stress rash on my legs. It started this morning in one spot and it has been spreading. I have only broken out in stress induced hives one other time in my life when I was a teenager. It was a lot worse last time because it was everywhere and I was miserable. Hopefully it goes away soon. I am going to have to call my doctor if it doesn't because it also could be a bad reaction to lamotrigine. I feel ok otherwise so I don't think it's from the medication.

I got scared a little bit ago because there was a fox in the neighbors yard and it was screaming at a black and white cat. The fox had the cat cornered and the cat looked scared. I had to yell at them and they ran away thankfully. I think the fox was trying to protect her babies or something. It was weird to see that happen during the day.

I need to try to relax now. I think I stayed up too late last night and I'm getting tired already. I'm not sure what I'm going to eat because nothing sounds good but I will figure it out. I'm going to do my best to go to bed earlier. The rest of the week is going to be busier than today was so I need to rest while I can. I hope tomorrow is a good day.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow too. Thanks for listening. :) 💖💖💖

[casspurrjoybellbittner]

Wreckless - It's been a Rough Week

*Warning Adult Content*

Emmett

Finnegan has woken up twice.

That may not be accurate.

He's gotten out of bed twice.

Once he went to the bathroom and this time he went downstairs.

I hope he's been sleeping in between but I'm starting to worry he's not.

"Darling?"

He's standing in front of the window and jumps a bit when I speak even though I said it softly.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you up."

"Not worried about it. Can't sleep?"

"No."

"The alarm is on and I'm here, Finnegan."

I'm not stupid though... I know that's now how sleep or fear works.

"Come here and snuggle."

He does, thankfully and I wrap him up.

He smells so good... it's his cologne.

He has fancy shit that wears forever but luckily he doesn't overdo it.

I can only smell it now because we're practically molded together.

I have to kick the sheet off, the window AC can't keep up with this much shared body heat but I'm fine with that.

"Thanks. I'll sleep better tomorrow night."

I'm not sure if he's reassuring me or convincing himself.

"Probably. It's Sunday, maybe you can sneak a nap in."

"Yeah, after Mass I should. Sounds decadent. Thought about working but I'm not sure I have enough brain."

"No, I draw the line at working. Cartoon, snack, snuggle, all good."

Twenty minutes later I'm back asleep.

It's been a rough week.

Finnegan is busy.

He's only left the house with me one morning... he's been gone when I woke up every other day.

On Wednesday he was home for dinner but he's starting to worry me... there's working hard and then working yourself to death.

He's not sleeping great.

I'm not either.

The more I worry about him, the less sleep I get.

It's a vicious cycle.

Friday night and finally, he sleeps well.

He falls asleep before me and practically doesn't move all night.

No wonder, he's got to be exhausted.

Luckily I got dinner and some lovies into him before then and I don't have to work this Saturday so it's all good.

Maybe we're over the hump.. hump... I'm awful.

I spend most of Saturday trying to woo 'Little Finn' out.

I make little pancakes, we play Lego Harry Potter and I offer to take him to play mini-golf or go bowling and hit the arcade but he turns me down.

Mostly, I spend the day ignoring my birthday.

I don't have some sob story about not celebrating... I just don't.

It seems pointless to me.

All I've done is breathe for another year and that doesn't seem cake and balloon worthy.

At least Finnegan sleeps well even if there's no appearance of 'Little Finn'.

I miss that kid.

Finnegan can't be happy without him... he can't be.

********

Finnegan is at Mass which is good... he always seems a bit calmer when he comes back and this week he definitely needs some peace and calm.

Just before he's due home, Andy rings the bell.

I know it's Andy because his face pops up on my damn cell-phone.

I swear, there absolutely is such a thing as too much technology.

I let him in and he has pizza and beer and a Styrofoam container holding a piece of cake.

It's nice of him, really.

It's also weird.

I text Finnegan that Andy is over so he's not surprised when he gets home and ten minutes later he walks in the door.

"Hey Emmett, Andy. Ooh, is there any pizza left?"

"Yeah."

He beelines for the kitchen while my brain screams at me that you can't eat pizza in good clothes.

"Hey, is it your birthday, Andy?"

He's leaning against the door frame, pizza folded.

He's so cute but his question is gonna cause trouble.

He must have seen the cake... shit.

Andy just laughs.

"Nah. It's just this ass-hole's," he teases, tapping my beer.

Shit, now I drink.

At least it gives me a minute although it's really hard to think while chugging.

Finnegan waits until I'm finished and then very slowly, like he's trying not to yell, says...

"It's your birthday?"

Now I have to make it worse.

This is not how I wanted today to go.

"Yesterday."

Andy's eyes are wide, he realizes the severity of what's going on and just puts his bottle down.

"I just remembered, I've gotta.. uh.."

"I'd leave too, Andy... if I was you and after just dropping that bomb-shell," I joke.

"But thanks.... it was nice of you to think of me."

"You should have come by the alley last night like you said you would... then I wouldn't have had to cart this crap over here. Uh, see you later Finnegan."

I don't know where to start but as soon as the door closes I work on limiting the most recent damage.

"He asked me to and I said I might."

He's put his pizza down, shit.

His arms are crossed over his chest and he's mad.

"Look, some people make a big deal out of birthdays but I don't. I didn't want to do anything."

He's still quiet and it's somehow worse than him yelling.

I give him a minute but no, nothing.

Eventually he just walks past me and heads upstairs.

[the-firebird69]

Two clips get back #thekingsguard

These people are idiots now there's a big scientist don't touch them and don't go within a few feet and some reason and listens because I have a sword and a horse and they can hurt you really bad and they don't listen to all day long so they ran around at night still and it's usually trumpsters and they shoot at people and stuff and they tried to find Brian cuz he's dressed up as them they're in their characters and they didn't fall for it I'll tell you what these people are stupid and what's he really going to do okay to the soldier but nothing it's just a waste of time people are fools but they are saying to go after them and stuff like that it's gross right now they're turning it up a few notches it's going to be hell for them they're going to die and their flagrant waste of time

-the shifting is done at 100 to 150 50% done it'll be done by around 3:00 a.m. low tide and all that s*** is out there already it's gross and it goes by after a while and the salt water comes in and washes it out around 5:00 a.m. and a whole bunch of air comes in and once you're done the sifting they are going to start on excavating the larger diamonds and there are four on the West Coast in this area and about four more up the coast and down one this one down the South as a total of nine they're about 1 mile they're not that big but they can get to them the others are very far down and you have to go from a tunnel and the tunnels are wet down here typical of all over and they are going to excavate those probably starting this coming morning early around 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. and they are constantly moving those spaceships out and they're in the 5 to 20 they've been going for 3 hours solid and it's only a quarter empty of what it was so that's not bad and that's the whole band so really at noon or to 2:00 p.m. tomorrow if they have it prepped it should be empty but they really have to prep and then start over it doesn't go constant so it takes a couple of days to do this Friday night it should be done 20 to 50 will take one day and we're back to the right on the schedule Mondays will be done with the whole shore, tonight the whole thing's going to drop and you don't have to unplug the diamonds where they pulled out the other diamonds which is up north off of Tampa and Sarasota there are three up north that whole area has dropped completely and it is gone but when they drop out way out there it's probably 25 to 30 miles the air blows around for a while before it gets here and he's going to try and blow it in and right here too cuz he's an a****** and if you deteriorate the brain stupid head it's not the same computer if you follow that and he gets it it's not like your brain which is like a baseball. And people will understand that and it's kind of a nightmare for them but that's what it is and they'll see it too Saturday and cells are in God's way for celebrating Salazar and goddess wife are celebrating because it's going to be something that they have to evacuate everybody has to move

-and there are some things that happen because of it it says the Spanish caravan and a lot of people are going to be there it's turning it's a massive a massive event in another battle and a war and fighting over it feels wow that's ridiculous and this is now he looks as we got to get out of here so the traffic to move traffic to move and a lot of people are going to be evacuating but yeah the firebird is next because of the Kia it's another special motor where you put just mechanical valves for the fuel injection and it works much better sounds a little funny but it works really well and for a lot longer time those cars have it in them now most cars have that it's a huge change and he made the fuel injection system and she did too and they fixed the pressurization problem she did that he says and she did.

-and there's more news the pseudo empire is not engaging the clones but they are fighting the warlock and finding them to be complete assholes they're just jerks they won't stop doing anything and they're having a hell of a time they're fighting each other out there right now there's a development it's kind of brewing it is about the bootleg and it's about up there it is Northern Appalachia and they're making a lot of booze and it's coming down the mountain tons of it and they're not barging it but they're bringing it in every weekend and it's coming up and the pseudo empire are threatening to halt it and they're trying to get it in there and some of them don't care if it gets in there or not like mac and he says what is the big deal with you people cutting people off it's not healthy so he doesn't like them and it's going to go on if this is turning into a war between these groups and it won't change at all and it's become a big war already but it's going to be a war everywhere and it is going to eliminate the two and it's getting worse and worse and they're not looking at anything else and they suck the war of the firebird is become immense there's an invasion plan people have gone to that Timmy Doyle is left a contingent and it's not too huge and they have specially thinks he can hold them off and we think it's going to move tonight and it has to be a huge a****** tomorrow he says I should have done that laundry today they were trying to giggling cuz it's true so it's going to be a big day tomorrow and we are going to watch as things change slowly but it is going to change a little faster once that firebird goes to New York they're going to go after the money cuz to see the one of the biggest if not the biggest money center it is the biggest money center and Trump is in trouble with money and feels like 30% of the world's wealth now and people are going to take it he's such a cheap freaking piece of s*** and he's stupid okay the man is a retard and that's what it is so ghost in New York and he gets a s*** kicked out of him and goes to Virginia and he gets beat up worse cuz he goes there and the Max come out and they get rid of him quick and Tony Stark is getting beat up too and he leaves he goes to Georgia tells his friend you're not protecting me and I said what the hell are you expect I don't have anything he laughs and says what about these Giants I said you have to watch out for the max and he knows so you send people to take a look and then he told everyone else and they finally get on it a little more and foreign has heard it so it's going to work this is great other stuff that's happening the max see the warlock and begin assaulting and the warlock now see the max because they're just doing what they're doing but faster and they can see it and it's a huge day and the Friday the 13th starts up and there is one coming up and last time I started up with a little and it's going to be intense and Halloween stuff on Halloween but there's going to be a lot of things he's going to be doing and he starts to heal finally what a nightmare you people hardly do anything and he knows that you're trying you just lose your temper for quite easily but boy get beat up and mangled and it's really no place to go and you don't have time to heal and you can run around and it's a nightmare it's like living inside a zoo and the max making that way

-and there's a few more things that are pretty big but that's huge there's a kickoff for a massive series of films and events and ancient lore that will come true it is massive it's it's more large than any I've ever seen and the dragon disappears what kind of trying to figure out how he can't figure it out he thinks he gets money and goes there and people think that might happen and it might happen with the dropping of the golf it's true too you'd have time even to hear about it.

It says you get up in the tower and it's better although it'll be windy out a helicopter could come or a car and it's true and he can't go below and we save probably can't and you might get trapped in there so it's not a bad idea we do hear that there's some ways that he gets up there we'll see if people he used to know find out that they can leave if they want to cuz a million dollars at was it Burger King. So there's a lot of stuff happening but it's going to happen soon there's more to announce bja plans to fire Trump from a bunch of jobs tomorrow and he plans to take over the area and it's not fun time and I sense is where did you f*** off you loser you want pressure I'm just going to break your neck and toss your head and acid there's some pressure you little s*** no f*** you Brian you're all done you little b**** I'm not going to sit here and be a rebel and a fighter and s*** with absolutely nothing you c********** loser you're such a f****** moron I can hardly go buy a load of paper I don't know what the f*** is in your head just so dumb. And The Rock says he's supposed to be like a leader or helper any treating like just a slave for ideas and telling people s*** so he doesn't care about you you fart you going to make this life miserable we're going to make yours miserable The Rock and miscellaneous and others say I mean really you're just a s*** head he adds.

Used to know how it is and how it works now you don't there's no team here and there's nothing here for me you're a piece of s*** this guy's a piece of s*** you just sit here and tons of money doing f****** nothing with it absolutely nothing you're useless you are useless piles of s*** you can't even get things to your people and you have some more money than anybody else you're f****** stupid I'm sick of hearing from you I'm sick of your dumb lines bja look you don't need any spaceships at all he doesn't either we're going to make sure you don't have any I can keep saying that to you cuz you keep saying this dumb s*** to me and I'm going to make it happen see the second line that's what you say you follow up with something even better he's dumb assholes you're not on my team you're not my people you're f****** stupid and you're all done and you aren't going to have ships we're going to make sure they're going to go back after him you're going to lose them

That was our son and daughter tell these cheap assholes off because wow they dumb they don't have a plan anymore and they don't have any savvy or style he's trying to run the whole thing and he has to bypass their leaders cuz they're so fried I agree too you people are spent you take too much of our time your stupid useless retards and your zombies level is high I'm ordering you dead again I'm going to have a special meeting again I can't stand you what you say Brian is so dumb you're such a f****** idiot nobody wants to work with you you're supposed to do that why would it work with you for nothing and he's not in fear for his life or he won't have anything he's just getting rid of you so that you can that's the that's the goal of course he agrees he's saying it too stupid everyday is stupid he repeats it everyday cuz you're so f****** dumb and you can hit so what it made you stupider that's what you should know

We have other stuff to announce but we're going to publish it's getting really big because these b****** want to argue about how right they are about dying and they really are right about dying they're useless

Thor Freya

[idowhatiwantspock]

FedEx is my least favorite delivery service.

I sent this to a friend to explain what's going on so y'all get it to now. You're welcome.

Context: my computer is broken and needs a full upgrade.

[So I order parts from Best Buy for the computer and the location nearest me doesn't have all the parts. So I ordered for shipping cuz it's free. And on the order it says it might even be here by Thursday. On Friday at around noon there was a knock on the door but I was half asleep so I didn't answer it and I found a FedEx tag that said that they would try three more times on consecutive business days before holding it for a week for me to pick up from them up in the NE. I get an email from Best buy at 4 p.m. saying it was shipped.

Then nothing which is not unusual. I was expecting for something on Monday. Monday comes and goes nothing. I call yesterday being like "where package?" The person updates my delivery information to let them know I'm disabled and it'll take a bit to get to the door and tell me that they're coming with my package after the call. I wait outside for THREE HOURS and nothing.

I called today after class and the person's like "they've already tried to deliver it four times. It wasn't even going to arrive yesterday. It's at our warehouse ready for pickup." Meanwhile, the tracking app says it's returning to sender and it has been since before I called them yesterday. So I ask for a supervisor who tells me that they use different systems for tracking and the customer isn't seeing what they are seeing and it says that they tried to deliver it four times: Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Monday. Told them I have been home and the only time I heard a knock was Friday. They tell me that they will give my package to a delivery person tomorrow because all of the deliveries are done for the day already???? And then text me so I know when it'll happen. But guess what? That'll be at 7 A.M.. So now I have to wake up at 7 in the morning and wait until my package arrives.]

Context: I go to bed at 3 a.m. on a good night. My Pokemon sleep app is already confused about my sleep and now FedEx is gonna fuck it up even more.

Lesson: Best Buy free shipping is a lie. You pay with sanity and hours of sleep.

[mrs-allsunday]

How do I stop myself from checking my social media accounts?

This has been my issue the past days - I always find myself just checking newsfeed/watching stories.

I swear, I could've done so many other things like continue watching one piece.

I'm seriously contemplating to deactivate my accounts again.

But social media has its merits now. Like most of my accounts in Shopee per se, is connected via my Facebook. So there's that.

It boils down to my self control of not scrolling and checking stories!

Anyway today is Sunday - fitting for my username. lol

Weekend went by so fast starting with Yanah calling out for me last Friday cos I went home later than usual. Lol 30mins is quite a long time for someone who's waiting on the other end, eh?

On Friday night, I was in the same spot as now - on our sofa drinking tea! it's very very cozy. This really makes me realise how I am so blessed in so many ways.

Granted I don't have million dollar savings/investment, our flat is small, we are a "low-income" earner in Singapore - I feel happy.

Yes I know happiness is a choice or state of mind.

But at this moment, it takes no effort to be happy.

Last Saturday, we had a "slow" day. We brought Yanah to bolo tree and I'm really happy on the progress she's making there! Before, she's just touching touching the table and anyhow play.

But yesterday, she got the concept of moulding a banana.

We also ate really good food yesterday for lunch and dinner!

Ahhh the beef bbq (?) I don't even know what it's called lol but it's like samgyupsal!

And then we ate at Gelare for dinner. It's so yummy!! I think it's actually my first time eating a good waffle?

And then today, I brought yanah to the library while Adi cooked.

That sentence alone is my definition of DREAM LIFE.

I don't know why I was so focused on chasing other type of dream/success before.

But right now, for instance, being able to write this while yanah and adi are asleep is such a blessing on its own. it's a successful life.

Of course, life is a marathon and it doesn't end here and I know things will continue changing. But I hope I get to hold on to what I really value in life.

I also got a new set of bra today and home shorts without worrying about money.

This is really a blessing.

Bonus of it all, Adi and I found the time to spend quality time together.

We watched the new holiday episode of my hero academia and bond like before.

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah there's really a lot to be thankful for.

Tomorrow, I have a session with Justin. Hopefully he can help me clear my mind to focus on what I really value in life and not waste effort on other things.

Alhamdulillah.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

November 8, 2023

Last night I not only started cat sitting at Charles', but I also started at the school.

With the school, I am torn because I know the other mentor is getting more hours. I know I couldn't handle a weekly load, but maybe a bi-weekly load would be better. Even last year that was hard with bi-weekly. The extra money was nice.

I like being at Charles' but I know it's going to be hard on the relationship. I am the one who often needs to be flexible and being here, I cannot be. I need Braeden to be the flexible one. I also feel like I need a little bit more control on my side, so I need to start doing more things for myself.

On Monday, I had a bad day. Yesterday, he did. We both need to find a balance. We have gotten so comfortable being around each other all the time that it is what we want. In reality, it may be stressing us out more. We haven't found the balance yet. We also don't have time when we are together to do the things that can help alleviate some of the stress, like finding a new gym near him that we are both excited to go to.

I am also having a hard time trying to keep myself calm about this time of year and what happened last year. I had the rug ripped from under my feet and I am so scared that is going to happen again. I think Braeden and I are in a better spot, but last year taught me that you never know where the other person's head is. It's the time of year where the weather is changing and I get overwhelmed very easily. I need someone by my side who can get through it with me.

I am debating going o Braeden's game today. Its at 10, but the team is doing an early dinner. I want to make it work where I can go for a little just to support him and put in that little bit of effort. I keep having this thought of "if he wont make time for me Thursday, I shouldn't go tomorrow" but that's such a petty thought and I recognize that. If I go to hockey and he still doesn't come here tomorrow, I need to not take that personally. He needs to get his stuff done to see me, and I will see him on Friday and Saturday regardless. If I can make time to go I will, if not, I will see him when we both can. He was there for me when I was crying on the phone Monday and he did the sweetest thing to attach a new container of gum to my car and write a note on it. It's the little things. If I can give a little more of myself than he can give me, I want to do that. No pettiness. I need to ask for what I want when I need it to. If I say "Braeden I need you to come here and be with me tonight" I bet he would.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary148

2/9-10/2024

friday - saturday

tomorrow i work...kind of a long time, scheduled longer than usual and i might stay late, cuz i always do. #so #exciting.

but today was really good, first thing, regular selfie from yesterday:

i really like that outfit, it made me feel very pretty, and i used it to make this:

to beg people to read my story published here:

and people have read it, and people seem to really like it, which is very nice.

i also traced that weird thing in the middle today, the original image is a photo of some meat on a cutting board, for this image, idk why, maybe i'll use it another time.

here it is alone:

i am very happy with the piece, and the fact i got really nice edits from the editor at ergot was really, idk, it made me happy, it's always nice when outside eyes, outside friends and so on, come look at your work and engage with it on that level. overall very happy, and happy people are reading and liking it.

putting it out there, in the byline, all i could really think was to put there was my tumblr, the soundcloud came later and it was mostly just because it seemed like the only other thing i could/should put up there as an actual place where i communicate, the editor told me to not really be bashful about that kind of thing/the self promoting at that time, in the byline, you know. anyway, since i put the tumblr there, it made me think about people i know coming and looking at this page, which is okay, if they/you are, but it made me think about some other stuff, and other people, and it made me go back and redact a couple things. i guess i just don't want certain people to know i've talked about them, in whatever capacity. i know saying this here, is probably dumb, it makes everyone suspect themselves, but i think it's basically everyone that is okay, really. it's not really a lot i've done, so maybe those people will figure it out anyways or something. honestly, maybe i shouldn't care.

today was crazy for other reasons too, i went out today as well, so i couldn't do music stuff, which is okay ultimately i think. i will get to it.

i did see my gf's brother today, and our friend she goes to school with, his gf who is also our friend and another friend we met at a school-related function. it was a long night and it's only now 12 am, we went crazy early i guess, crazy being relative between the 5 of us. our friend's gf left, after a while, she enjoyed finally meeting my gf's brother, she's heard a lot about him, as had our friend. when she left, the other friend came, and she enjoyed him as well, telling all his insane stories about his really fucked up life. eventually we went to another bar, and we sat there a while, as the brother and our friend got drunker, the brother did not get too drunk, while our friend got very drunk, and he's been i guess bottling a lot up inside, he lost it, kind of, and he was very very upset about a lot of things, so much, it was hard to express it all but he articulated what he could, well.

it was very sad, he was so ashamed of crying in public, but it was good, none of us there were the kind of people who care, my gf's brother got some good traits, he is very kind, he at least tries, maybe he doesn't have a handle on it perfectly. something i keep thinking about is as our friend was crying, a song came on, this must be the place, and both of them lost their shit, our friend as in getting very emotional, the brother became very excited. they hyped eachother up, sang along, and as our friend was getting lower and lower, my gf's brother kept saying lyrics from the song and going "we get that, we understand, they don't," pointing at us, like we don't understand that sort of weight i guess.

it is sad, not because like, i mean idk, i hate being excluded like that, i've put it here, how bad i feel, and things, i let it out differently, i guess i tend to need to be alone, and i guess i usually want to hurt myself, either way it doesn't matter, being told i don't understand hurts, but it's also sad because it just distances him from others, from his ability to relate to people he might not think to. it's also how their mother is, always putting others down in order to say something nice or good, basically, it's all he knows. very awful and upsetting way to interact with the world, or maybe just the people in it.

the night continued like that, her brother told stories, our friend cheered up, stuff like that, but a lot of strange neuroses all over, and i just hope everyone is okay, at the end of the night, and becoming happier, i hope her brother can maybe, through his new friend, learn new things, change in ways. maybe knowing how to be sensitive.

one thing i was worried about, was our other friend, she seemed genuinely distressed by the loud sounds, of the two men, yelling and emotional, it felt bad seeing her, it seemed like an actual fear response or something, which made me worry, maybe obvious but whatever.

my gf's brother also said some really insane stuff, about his ex, and his last time sleeping with her, which was a casual thing post hookup. kind of awful and i can't really put it here, but it was like, disturbing, how cool he tried to sound. it's so sad how he has to front. it's so sad how everyone fronts.

i am sad about our friend's struggles, i hope being there could be enough for him.

it feels weird to have thoughts outside of this kind of thing, when you experience/see it, but i do, about my music, a couple songs seem to have too much bass, and on one song, maybe the vocals are too high up, and maybe i could do something where i have the guitar things have envelope followers to modulate volume a bit.

idk, i will see tomorrow, i can mess with it a bit, this song, but i should not make a freaky deal out of it, like i tend to, i should get to the next thing on the list, after i let myself fool with the song or whatever.

anyway, i need to sleep now, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!

[girltomboy]

Lately

I have been having such a hectic and beautiful time lately! My bf came to the city this weekend (well, he got his errands done on Friday, but we still spent the weekend together) and stayed with me while I worked from home on Friday, then we napped together and had sex, got high, went to visit our friend and his sister at their new apartment. I'm not totally crazy about it & about their new setup. My friend's room doesn't have any privacy because it's a living room, his sister has a more active life than him and is on the go a lot, he can't play video games while we watch anymore (that was a half joke) but he seems content so maybe a change wouldn't be so bad. His sister is pretty cute too. My bf thinks she is too loud but she's kind of a normal girl, I see through her and she is a sensitive and child-like soul- her Cancer moon shining through her Aqua sun in detriment. Anyway, we took a long walk on Friday and then we got home and watched our regular stuff. It was sooooooo nice to cuddle with him. I missed it and I miss him and I took so much time with him for granted last year. Saturday we stayed in, it was pretty gloomy outside but we managed to sneak a walk in the forest nearby towards the evening. Then we stopped at an outdoor gym and had some fun on the machines. Then we just chilled at home again. And on Sunday it was really overcast, cold, windy, the works. I wanted to go for another walk, but we wasted time until it was already evening and we had to make a trip to the train station so he can buy his ticket. And this morning we woke up together and he almost missed his train. 🙄 Thankfully he didn't, but he was really close. Hope this makes him more time-aware in the future, we even had a little argument before he got here, also time management-related. But anyway, what's important is that he got home safe.

Today I went to the office again, had fun with M- we make work bearable together. Afterwards we went out for dinner and drinks and chatted a lot. It's so nice to have a friend like her. I'm grateful for us and the friendship we nurtured in over a year. We laugh a lot and she's really sweet and honest, it's really the kind of friendship everyone genuinely needs. She's texting me cute stuff about our friendship right now, and how grateful she is that all we do is laugh our asses off at nothing while the weather gets grayer and darker everyday and the people get sadder. Also, we went to buy cigarettes and tried a small shop in the city center. The girl at the counter asked us if we were high school freshmen and we just exploded with laughter. She looked pretty young too, so we asked her back, and she was just 18 🥺 and apologized for the "confusion" lol sweet thing!! Anyway we had a really nice time tonight. I called my bf to say goodnight and my belly is really full but my heart is fuller. I'm alone in my apartment but I feel so loved and blessed that it makes me feel less lonely rn ❤️ Tomorrow is movie night with my work bestie, we are seeing The Exorcist 2, and I'm not excited about the movie because I've read horrible things about it - not even horror-wise, just lame. But I'm excited about the fun we're gonna have anyway

[the-firebird69]

Watchmen 1x02 Promo "Martial Feats of Comanche Horsemanship" (HD) This S...

That sounds idea was to do this and to put the code out there so people would be ready and they can see it if people aren't reading the code and interpreting it they're not going to be ready and most people here have a bad attitude and they wanted to catch and it's the wrong thing to do they do not have knowledge of what's happening and they have a lot of fear and ignorance and it's not right

The series is begun and the episode 2 has started today after court adjourns it will begin in earnest and through the night tomorrow it starts up again with episode 3 and we think one a day meaning episode 9 would be on the 23rd and the 24th is Wednesday the beginning of the movie will start earlier probably 3 days before and have a preamble and it will boil up to it probably to Thursday Friday Saturday and part of Sunday and that's it it's the end of Donald Trump and they will have a funeral just like they did for our son's relatives and he will be scorned for what he has done to them and hated and the funeral will happen later and they're going to say he died of some sickness so they're going to search around for him and find all of his idiots just like he did to the clan and the other thing and really to mix race and we do hold it against them it doesn't seem it but we do and it seems it to our son and daughter and they know

Thor Freya

We do get a lot of support from our kind meaning that these people have dropped a lot of what they do and we do know that a lot of people hate these trumpsters and you don't have to be erased and they do hate them for what they did to our race and made it a lot harder on our kind in our race

Hera Zues

Haha haha she made him put her name first and cut in front of him after he made the statement because she was helping in the last part and she helped the whole thing but really he made a funny noise

Frank Castle hardcastle

Take it easy lady we get it

Duke nukem Blockbuster and yeah it says newcomb after and that starts happening when you go after you idiots

We are All amazed no that we have more announcements and he's going to eat something

Olympus