#what if it seems like i dont actually have this disorder bc i said it can seem positive?

[nexus-nebulae]

me as a kid: i have all these problems

every adult around me: you're not old enough to know what's wrong with you, you're fine

me as an adult: i still have all these problems

my doctors after i finally got the opportunity to choose them myself: oh my fucking god why have you never gotten help for all these problems. you should have seen me 10 years ago

[discountdyke]

i love (hate) my scrupulosity brain bc it is a huge reason i dont talk that much on here bc i type things out and then keep typing more and more disclaimers and explanations until ive completely lost the plot and just delete the whole thing

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

not to continue beating a dead horse but i saw the og post earlier ( got curious when i saw your posts ) and the line about the comparison with shizuo is so funny to me. like yeah it is absolutely true that shizuo is doing his best to carry on with his day and people keep fucking with him etc etc BUT. unclear how to phrase this but the underlying implication that shizuo is "better" less so because of his actions themselves and more so because the "negative" things about him ( his anger issues obvi ) are beyond his control and therefore not to be held against him entirely whereas izaya's action are entirely in his control and of his own volition ( which does such a disservice to both characters imo ) no sir absolutely no impulsive poorly calculated decisions that have consequences for him later. you fell for the character's facade meant to be dismantled by the viewer etc

we love beating dead horses in this house. say something stupid and we get to clown on you forever. those are the rules

ALSO YEAH LITERALLY TEXUALLY IZAYAS ISSUES ARE OUT OF HIS CONTROL. like.

literally right there. and you cant even be like "uuuhjffnfnbut in the anime" LOOK CLOSELY. duarara rewards reading between the lines and izaya as a character starts off with a facade that slowly crumbles and if you still believe the facade by the end then you're stupid point blank.

which like, its Fine to not be able to analyze a show, its whatever, its not a thing everyone can do ESPECIALLY as they watch a show in real time for the first time. but dont act like you had some kind of Grand Revalation about the show and then talk down to people who have been here for YEARS, decades even, because they disagree with you, and then insult shit like their age! this guy just made something up about izaya and then "dunked" on his fans because of this imagined attribute

and yeah treating shizuo as Absolved bc he Didnt Mean To does a huge disservice to him as well, wether or not he Meant To, things still happened and people were still hurt, the NUANCE behind it is whats important!! i do strongly believe that if you want to truly understand this show you need to do away with the idea of "good people" and "bad people." novody is a wholly Good Person and nobody is a wholly Bad Person and people are COMPLICATED, especially the people in durarara, and if you try to slot them into Good Person and Bad Person categorization then all youll do is do a disservice to the characters and the writing itself

and i have talked about this EXTENSIVELY on here but izaya is important to me because he seems to be intentionally coded to be a sociopath. like, i said this in my other post:

he was a young boy with clear mental problems, to the point where his father instilled that people love into him in order to prevent a worse outcome and help him be more normal. the way this is framed, as a young boy exhibiting a concerning disconnect from other people to a point where it scares a usually neglectful father into acting- is very reminiscent of media depictions (and real life examples) of parents worrying that their child is a sociopath. this could very well have been intentional, and narita EXPLICITLY makes a POINT to state that izaya is the way that he is because he has a fragile heart- any sort of genuine effection and a betrayal of it could shatter him.

and it means a lot to me that in a show full of subverting Tropes About Bad People, "the sociopath" as a trope was one of them and it ended up making an incredibly raw and honest portrayal of what having aspd is like- both in the hurting other people sense AND the suffering of the person actually with the disorder, which is something not really explored at ALL in Media About Sociopaths. i talk a lot more about izaya's possible coding HERE if youre curious, but izaya as a character is very important to me because its a kind of portrayal not really seen. so it sucks when people completely disregard any and all nuance behind him bc he makes them ~uncomfy~ and then has the audacity to make it our problem as well

also this is just an aside based on my own dislike of him at age 16, plus i earned the right to be a jackass tbh: a lot of people hate izaya bc on some level they know theyd be one of those suicide girls that has no real answer to why they want to kill themselves and flouder when asked about it, not understanding the weight of suicide in the slightest and yet still saying that theyll do it

(know or at least THINK; i was pretty insecure back then but i really wasnt Like That, i knew full well what suicide meant. but i wanna be mean so im built different. just me)

anyway yeah fuck that hater ass bitch

ALSO the idea that shizuo is in the clear bc "people keep fucking with him" is LAUGHABLE bc that includes people like. asking him a question or being mildly annoying or in the wrong place at the wrong time. dumb to the fucking ass!!!!

[cringelordofchaos]

Disability + Queer headcanons for some South Park characters i like

(warning: u might not agree w everything i have to say !!! :shocked emoji:)

(also sorry if im inconsistent w some characters pronouns ill probably refer to a character with their canon pronouns in the show and then when i remember trans hcs of said characterr suddenly ill refer to the w different pronouns)

Craig Tucker

- gay (no fucking shit sherlock)

- level 1 autistic, low empathy, difficulties communicating and understanding emotions, yada yada u get the gist

- some form of anxiety? idk probs not to a disordered amount but its there.

Kenny McCormick

- Chronic pain (everywhere)

- Epilepsy

- dude LITERALLY got a seizure from simply playing a video game (in thepokemon episode) this dudes physical health is so bad prolly cuz his constant deaths still leave an impact on him even after he gets revived?

- autism !? (idk im not 100% sure just yet)

- selectively mute

- probably some form of (complex?) PTSD from the constant traumatizing deaths he endures though again like im not sure

- but yyeah ok i just remembered thispost is about disability AND queer hcs so uhm kenny. I like the genderqueer hcs but he could also just be really gnc and i love that for him too. either way likes women a lot and i cant exactly imagine him liking a dude? like idk maybe but nah i dont see it

Tweek Tweak

- im sorry but i personally dont view him as having adhd cuz his parents tell others hes hyperactive bc of it but really its because they keep drugging the fucking eight year old so idk. like idk he could possibly have it but i cant decipher cuz we dont know what tweek would be like if he wasnt drugged and a coffee addict at such a young age. and causes of symptoms matter

- but yeah he def has GAD and panic disorder bc of the drugged coffee

- oh also gay

eric cartman

- NPD (i know hes a really stereotypical and harmful portrayal of it and there should be better representation of it but theres no way he doesnt have it im sorry)

- sexuality and gender are whatever benefits him at the moment

(ok but if ur actually wondering abt my hc hes probably gay)(in extreme denial obviously though)

Butters Stotch

- has some form of disorder related to trauma and if he doesnt hell get one when he grows up because like dudes been through SOME FUCKING SHIT. (and he canonically falls asleep to and wakes up to the sounds of his own screams so like. uhm)

- seems like hes straight? like could be bi though idk. he DID have a crush on princess kenny though? take it as you will lmao

- SHIT i forgot about marjorine. yeah just like w kenny either genderqueer or gnc, love both hcs

- may i suggest aroace butters though

- or no sexuality butters (he doesnt have a sexuality :broke heart:)(dont aks me how that works it jst does)

Stan Marsh

- Major depressive disorder

- literal alcoholic at age 10 thats bound to mess him up for life one way or another

- canonically diagnosed with asperger's syndrome but it was his obvious depression being misdiagnosed

- bi but like only gay for specific chars. but yeah confused abt sexuality

- gender questioning too and its pretty canon as shown in 'the cissy'. though then again stans really empathetic so u could say stans confused feelings of gender identity were just being influenced by cartman and wendy recently telling the school theyre trans. idk WHICH way stans trans though and neither do they

- emo

kyle broflovski

- im gonna hes say asexual cuz of human kite's character chart thingy and also bc why not

- have got zero clue as to what his sexuality is like. im a style shipper (big surprise ik) so u might think i think he likes dudes but idk. ive never seen anyone hc him as aroace before but i think it could fit him. he does seem like he could just be cishet too. or maybe bi? ive also seen gay hcs of him. idk man i think multiple fit depending on how u interpret his character?

-

Tolkien Black

- his roleplay character chart thingy said ther character was gender neutral so im going w that hc

- likes girls (canon as shown in cartman finds love)

Bradly/Bradley (the one from the conversion therapy episode)

- gay (SHOCKER)(BIGASS SURPRISE)(

Timmy

- canon wheelchair user (whats the term again i forgor) and also intellectually disabled (but also there was one point where it was revealed he was actually a genius i think?? so maybe hes not intellectually disabled but rather he lacks the capacity to express or communicate his inner world? idk)

- timmy

thas all i got for now im too lazy to continue but yeah pls dont kill me for these

EDIT 11/JUNE/2024: forgot to say this but also kenny has more physical disabilities than listed and also Cartman is dyslexic in my hc

[hostilemuppet]

Seeing your takes on Flippy, I do wish he wasn’t a split personality type and he was moreso just like seeing anything horrible happen would make him get extremely worked up and try to murder the person/thing that is causing the trouble. I feel like he should also just hate war because of the morality behind it and that’s why he gets that pissed off, because he feels war is an injustice and he’s doing his part to stop injustices (in his eyes) so that the world will be less corrupt

flippys an odd case bc just going by early episodes it doesnt seem like they were going for the evil alter hollywood DID route. just look how many times he supposedly "comes to his senses" only to continue doing fucked up shit! even in his debut episode

hes clearly got his normal eyes (he actually has them throughout the episode, except for the initial time where he hears the bird and his pupils contract, his eyes are completely normal. his pupils are contracted throughout his "episode" in the second ep he stars in)

even though the others presumably helped kill flaky, he was the only one to laugh, and hes clearly "flippy" in this case (and i KNOW he was originally gonna be pop so this one is to be taken with a grain of salt, but they specifically chose to switch pop out with flippy bc they didnt think pop would intentionally kill someone but flippy would)

flippy lucid again but still decides to dip his chips in cuddles' blood

its not until the last episode batch of the tv series where flippy and "fliqpy" (I LITERALLY HATE THE NAME FLIQPY SOOOO MUCH. NO ONE ON THE TEAM USES IT. SHUT THE FUCK UP IT WAS A SINGULAR GAG FROM KAPOW) are actually portrayed as two separate identities

since the team said themselves what they wanted to do with the tv series was give characters more personality traits with the longer time slots, i think this was definitely a "new thing", like giggles' environmentalism and cuddles' rocker aspirations. and, this part is just a hunch, i think it was also DROPPED, like giggles' environmentalism and cuddles 'rocker aspirations, since it has never been treated like a split personality since. without a hitch, on my mind, random acts of silence, by the seat of your pants, in over your hedge, a vicious cycle: NOTHING points to "fliqpy" being flippys alter. we dont see anything he acted like in hear today gone tomorrow or double whammy: none of the guilt, none of the nightmares, none of the Oh No I Have Killed When I Was Out, the one time we actually see him "snap out of it" he doesnt fucking care that he just attacked probably his only friend, because hes ACTUALLY fucked up

so. this has just been a long way to say i dont actually think they intend for him to be a split personality stereotype. i think they did obviously go that route briefly in the tv series but, again, so many character traits were tv series exclusive, and treating this one like it isnt when it was dropped? like ok you do you i also pretend giggles still cares about the environment but PERSONALLY. dont see flippy as a that for anything more than the two tv eps. i think hes just the one guy who gets in Moods, he doesnt have a bastardised mangling of dissociative identity disorder, if anything he has bipolar disorder LOL. i leave you with

[butch-reidentified]

Your lack of self awareness about your own "dysphoria" is causing you to justify an extremely antifeminist industry and those profiting from selling marginalized women self-destruction. You have all the expected comorbidities (OCD/anorexia/body dysmorphia plus unresolved trauma from extreme homophobia) of someone in your position, shared with most female people who seek this surgery, and not someone with an implausible, never validated neurological disorder that coincidentally happens to map precisely onto misogynistic and homophobic ideas of the female body. Your "resolution" of symptoms is dependent on defending your decision and not the actual reality of the results. Your comorbid issues (especially OCD, which your wife is enabling) are obviously still raging through your life no matter what you say. It is a direct insult to every woman who feels violated by what happened to them to claim that not only are you one of the only people on the planet to truly need this surgery but that you read their stories of profoundly woman-hating trauma to convince yourself that you were a uniquely informed and more authentic candidate. P.S. I would "pull up" but I have a job instead of whatever grift you run. Good luck and hope you figure this out before too many other women see you as a role model.

LMAO this is so so amazing thank you. when I tell you this reads like TRA arguments... straight up making things up, projecting, absurdity, and ad hominem bs. delightful!

long post incoming but I am gonna break this down on a micro level bc I haven't talked about these topics in a minute + I'm high and it seems like fun, like a satisfying puzzle, kind of, to break this down into individual parts and address each part. Plus, asks like this provide opportunities to really dive into nuance and detail on several of one's ideas, experiences, and worldviews all in one place, which I've always enjoyed.

I am gonna preface by saying several parts of this are blatantly bad faith, and I am answering more for others to read than for anon. In particular, the claim that I said I am one of the few people who "truly NEED" this surgery. Given you clearly read at least some of my posts on dysphoria, certainly you saw that I repeatedly emphasized that I never have or will view this as a "need." It's also worth noting that most of my posts on this were written quite some time ago, and I don't remember everything I ever wrote on the topic off the top of my head, but I 150% do know myself and what thoughts and feelings I've had and which I've not had on the matter.

ok so first off, I have literally not ever ever even once encouraged anyone to pursue a single elective surgery & have very consistently done the opposite. just because I feel chill about my surgery personally does not mean that I support that industry, actually. in fact, if i knew everything i know about that industry now, I would not get the surgery... but that's a matter of choosing to boycott the industry, not a matter of how i feel personally about my individual experience. how I feel has literally nothing to do with my opinions/beliefs/values. I dont choose how I feel, but I fully choose my moral code.

in fact, my honesty about my story is not supporting that industry in a single way - it simply is not lying. people like you would have me lie to further a narrative rather than be genuine and candid, which puts us on the level with TRAs since that is precisely what they do. it comes down to this: you are asking me to either be silent about (lie by omission) or knowingly misrepresent (outright lie) my experiences because you lack the capacity for nuance to fit them into your narrative without harming the integrity of said narrative. But I don't under any circumstances do that, regardless of whether or not I agree with said narrative (and in this case, I very much do agree). If you cannot work the nuances of my lived experiences into your narrative about gender ideology and transition without it threatening the narrative that's on you; it's entirely possible to do. I'm not going to lie or censor myself just because you're limited in that way.

to be clear, my theory about neurological sex dysphoria is not "implausible;" it is also not something I'm insisting definitely is correct, or I would not call it a theory. And do you even have the qualifications to rule it such, knowing that I am a published neuro/neuropsych researcher (though now retired from that field because I recently found my truest passion)? However, it is not based on absolutely nothing. This answer is already waaay too long, bad habit of mine, but my #ntsd tag includes some posts that elaborate on this. The only thing I am going to specifically say on this matter is that having a processing disconnect (which has literally been visialized on fMRI) that caused my breasts to physically feel like a prosthetic attachment... is not "coincidentally mapping precisely onto misogynistic and homophobic ideas of the female body." This assertion doesn't even make sense in the context of everything I've said previously. I have never believed in the "body mapping" theory of dysphoria that you clearly are referring to by "mapping... onto the female body."

Additionally, I am not sure how you see logic in making this claim when misogynistic ideas of the female body are not known for being devoid of breasts. As I've said in practically every single post on this topic that I've made, I never went through a period of actually wanting to reject womanhood, be perceived socially as not-a-woman, or believing that womanhood and femininity were synonymous. That simply was not my motivation, and as I've said before, pain from chronic cysts was a large part of my decision. Lots of women on here have spoken about how they never went through those period either, yet I'm the only one I've seen get shit for it & get accused of thinking I'm better than other women for it. I never claimed or remotely implied that, and it has never in my life so much as occurred to me as even a hypothetical concept to feel superior about something like that. The only difference between me and most of the women on here who never went through those periods is that I had an elective mastectomy - but I did so while still entirely secure and at peace in my womanhood. Whether you find my truthful experience to be inconvenient or hurtful is entirely on you, not my responsibility to bury my own feelings and my own story for your comfort.

My lack of regret is not remotely "dependent on defending my decision." This is another statement that you would never make in a million years if you'd ever had one single irl conversation with me. I have no hesitation about admitting when I'm wrong. I do it /all/ the time. I don't have a pride issue, so "defending my decisions" is not something that matters to me. Again, you are projecting and you are assigning qualities to me without even the most basic knowledge of me as a person. I have not to date had a single human being on here miss quite this hard in an attempt to come at me. There's a lot about me, like anyone, that's ripe for completely justifiable criticism, and you've somehow managed to select some of the least applicable few assertions about me that you could find. Fact of the matter is I'm not prone to regret in the first place, and even factoring the dysphoria thing out of the conversation entirely, I genuinely like not having the inconvenience of large breasts and not having the pain of constant cysts, which i would still have if I'd gotten a reduction rather than mastectomy.

furthermore, you are making wildly unfounded claims. "lack of self awareness" lmfao this is pure gold. the people that hate me most in the entire world would laugh out loud if you tried to say that about me in front of them. I have plenty of flaws, plenty of areas I need to improve, but self-awareness is not one of those, not something I have ever in my entire life before this ask had a single soul give me constructive feedback about. so thanks for the novel experience, ig 🤷

I literally do not have a single one of the mental health issues you're claiming I do, nor do I have any unhealed trauma at all (and have not in a long time), as I've spoken about in-depth more than once, especially since my first ever Neuropsych research publication was on PTSD and I previously worked as a trauma therapist for patients with comorbid substance use disorders. I have a number of genetic physical health conditions, but my mental health is honestly excellent. Not to say I've just been totally cheerful my entire life, but at this point in my life, I have been healed long enough that it's almost surreal to look back on a time when I wasn't, and I am deeply happy with my career, my marriage, my relationships with my family and friends, my home and my pets, my hobbies... all of it. And I'm incredibly excited for the plans my wife and I have for our future.

The body dysmorphia claim is especially funny to me because one literally cannot possibly be any more neutral and at ease in their relationship with their body than this. I have said it several times on here, but I place as much value on my appearance now as I did when I was 4. Pretty much the only time I consider my appearance at all is to make sure I look professional and sharp for something like a business meeting. I talk about true body neutrality being attainable fairly often specifically because I've experienced it firsthand, so I know it can be done. I have a strict rule against speaking on shit I don't actually know.

but if you think that by reading my tumblr blog, you know my mind better than I do and better than medical professionals, that's just blatantly delusional and peak chronically online behavior. ESPECIALLY as someone who does not know me in any capacity. the audacity to make claims about not only me but also my WIFE, who you know nearly nothing about and does not even use this site.... it's genuinely mind-boggling for you to be running your mouth about some "lack of self awareness" shit given the content and tone of this ask.

same thing with you deciding you are able to speak for "every woman who feels violated by what happened to them." that is lack of self awareness and it is projection. your assertion that I read those women's painful stories of woman-hating trauma before having my surgery "to convince myself that I was a uniquely informed and more authentic candidate" is SUCH bullshit even you have to know you're lying. that comment is so bad faith it's a bit impressive, but mostly just disgusting on your part. I read detrans stories freely shared by both sexes on public platforms, with the specific intention of canceling my planned surgery the second I encountered one single thing I might have in common with those stories in terms of motivation to get the surgery. There is such a massive difference between trying to learn from others' mistakes and using others' trauma to validate your choices. You are lying if you try to act like I wasn't very clear about which one I did. I waited 5 or 6 years from when I learned that this surgery was even a thing to move forward. I waited until my prefrontal cortex was "done cooking" as the internet likes to say. I pursued multiple other treatment options, not one of which was "gender affirming" bc I did not buy into gender ideology back then, either. And I educated myself on the experiences of those who regretted it with the purpose of minimizing my risk of regret by NOT moving forward if I found that I related to any of the motivations that led them to pursue surgery and ultimately regret it. I was not blindly stubbornly committed to surgery; I was always very much open to canceling if it felt right. Yes, having chosen that process of literally informing myself DID make me uniquely informed... that doesn't mean i'm better than anyone else, though. it's just the reality of putting a half decade of work and analysis and thought into a decision that absolutely nobody pressured me into, compared to the pretty common experience of being misled by trans ideology and/or rushing into this surgery. I am very much aware that I'm not special or superior just because I am flat out lucky enough to have not had anyone trying to manipulate, mislead, rush, or pressure me to get surgery, and insanely lucky to have not had pain or complications from it. And yes, despite my unconventional path to surgery, I also know I am very lucky to not regret it. All the more reasons I don't promote it.

you have constructed an image of me, my wife, and my daily life in your mind based on reading my blog and absolutely nothing more than that. even if you are engaging negatively with that image, criticizing it/me, etc., this is a parasocial engagement by definition.

The above is exactly what you have done. Parasocial interactions don't have to be positive. You are deluding yourself if you truly, genuinely believe you have the remotest understanding of who I am or how I live.

out of curiosity, did you intentionally fail to mention that I had medical reasons for my mastectomy in addition to dysphoria? or did you just conveniently forget about that despite how frequently I've talked about it?

as an afterthought: the implication that unlike you, I don't have a job is fucking golden given that you've clearly been reading a LOT of my posts and I don't believe for one second that you simply missed all the posts where I've talked about the fact that we bought our own home at 24, the fact that my wife and I own our own business, and the extra shit I do just because. but if you like, we can compare our records of how much time per day and week spent on social media 💀

thank you for this ❤️❤️❤️

[fagcrisis]

Okay and also—psychology is literally a fucking quack profession. My college had a really large really reputable psych department and I didn’t know a single person in that department who seemed to have any idea what they were talking about, student or professor. I took one of the psych classes when I was in my second year, it was the class required for all psych majors, and it was genuinely the most disheartening eye opening class I’ve ever taken. They didn’t teach us SHIT except for BULLSHIT weird biases and literal eugenics. To be clear, my prof was THE CHAIR OF THE PSYCH DEPARTMENT. at an accredited private college. With years and years and years of experience. In neuropsychology. She showed us a video like an interview with someone with debilitating OCD talking about their experience w life and motherhood, and at the end of the video, she asked, “do you think this person’s life is worth living? Given her quality of life, is it worth it?” She asked that verbatim, I still remember it. And then this class of fucking college educated fucking 20somethings had a WHOLE CONVERSATION about it, people were legit raising their hands and saying no, this doesn’t seem worth it, she shouldn’t be a mother, she shouldn’t have kids, it doesn’t seem like her quality of life is worth living, and nobody fucking said anything else until I raised my hand and said something to the effect of shame on you all this is literal eugenics. At which point the prof said no, I’m sorry if it came off that way, this is a strictly hypothetical and intellectual conversation. Even though it was about a real actual woman. This happened with a doc we watched about a bipolar man as well, where my fucking psych major classmates, all dead set on going into the professional word of psychiatry and psychology, were like, he seems like a danger to others, he should be forcibly locked up. It was insanity. This was a REQUIRED class for the department. In the PowerPoint where they talked about eating disorders, she had a picture of a woman taking off a fat suit. I learned nothing in this class except for how absolutely untrustworthy this field is. I passed my final exam with a 99% without studying because there’s no fucking real science behind it it’s all just “what would the implicit bias be.” The SINGLE point I missed on the exam was a question about Freudian psychology and how it can be applied to modern psychology and it was a multiple choice question and I chose the wrong answer bc I remember looking at the right answer and thinking “surely not even these people can be that fucking stupid.”

Also, in this professor’s real life examples section of the lesson we did on personality disorders, her ONLY TWO REAL LIFE EXAMPLES were fucking Spock, from Star Trek, and the Joker. From the film… The Joker.

It’s all a fucking joke quite frankly

SORRY THE JOKER?? also yeah ik psych students and its all like. fucking insane. like ive had such a horrible experience with most therapists because they were people who didnt understand my experiences at all and like somehow i dont think the entire field will be fixed by "the good ones".

[actualbird]

tot ch 9 spoilers***

this is such a minor gripe im so sorry but im so mad at the fact tot incorrectly had vyn use the term "Munchausen syndrome" in the case files bc this is untrue and its actually now "Factitious disorder (imposed on self)" in the dsm-5 and it frustrated me so much bc of tot's repeated misrepresentation of so many different disorders 😭like on the bright side the chapter is really building up more and more to the darker themes and more vague motives behind all of the NXX men and their now direct conflicts but its so frustrating to me that they keep making these little errors that irk me so bad. like besides what you said about the buildup this was my main gripe with the chapter, though i am excited for more chapters and whatever happens after this.

i am so sorry if it seems like i am just complaining in your askbox over this that was not how i intended it to come across 😭

// spoilers for tot main story 9

no worries, i dont think it comes across as u just complaining! plus, it's a valid gripe to have. tot in general is widely afflicted with a lot of Pop Psychology, unfortunately. i personally dont really expect more from it in that regard because if even big name movie blockbusters or tv shows often cant get the discussion mental health correct or well done, then im not betting on this game getting it right either HAHA.

(like.....me, bipolar disorder haver, looking at tot's only bipolar character who was given the ridiculously on the nose name "Janus" and also hes a Murderer: hm yeah not the best rep in the world. JHVAJHFVKJASHFVKAJ)

though i do have to thank you on bringing this up, because even i didnt know that the disorder's name had changed! i still knew it as munchausen's, so i learned more today!

and also shakes ur hand at being excited for more cuz god gODDDDDD....WHAT DO U MEAN WE PROBABLY HAVE TO WAIT SEVERAL MONTHS FOR THE NEXT MAIN STORY???? I NEED TO KNOW MORE. THINGS ARE GETTING SO INTERESTING. //CLAWING AT THE WALLS!!!

[steveharrington]

But we’re not told WHY they’re vecna’d. There’s no reason why vecna targets traumatized teens EXCEPT to make it even more horror-movie-ish. Why do they get trash compacted like that specifically? It’s implied that’s how vecna a powers work but why? No idea.

The show has left so many unanswered questions already and this new element (vecna itself!) just over complicates everything

And I’m actually kind of pissed bc Patrick gets vecna’d and we know almost nothing about him. But stranger things… hates poc

I actually kind of hate Chrissy because of how differently she (pretty white girl) was treated from Patrick (black boy). And. her eating disorder existed SOLELY for exploitative purposes just to cause an emotional reaction it’s not something that adds to her as a character it’s just there to freak the audience out, meanwhile other REAL LIFE ACTORS are being forced to starve themselves for the roles. We get it eating disorders are scary good thing they’re not real! /s

Acting like this new girl will be important focusing on her ed only to kill her off in the most horrific way possible… i don’t like it it feels exploitative especially of a real world problem this show is absolutely complicit in spreading

We got a LOT less development for Fred than chrissy and didn’t fucking. Languish in such a triggering topic I think he was the happy medium.

Regardless the focus on traumatized teens with no other similarities was already so random they could have just picked literally anyone with no special backstory and it would have worked just as well? At the end of the day Chrissy ONLY matters as motivation for Jason, who only matters as motivation for Eddie ( and since Eddie’s death did nothing like. It didn’t seem like he was saving Dustin’s life or anything) who only matters to make Dustin kind of sad? She died for man pain except the ultimate man pain was for some guy she never even met

Chrissy isn’t a person or a character she’s a bafflingly written INTENTIONALLY TRIGGERING and misogynistic plot device with an outrageous amount of minute details they could have given to any of the real characters. They didn’t have to spend 10 minutes pretending she mattered only to beat her to death with a rock and then run over her a few times for good measure

well first of all i am no authority on the topic of whether or not chrissy's struggles with her ed were done correctly and therefore i will not speak on it because its really....not my place as someone who hasn't experienced that!

as for why vecna targets people with trauma specifically, i think it serves a greater narrative purpose and that's depicted best through max's arc this season. vecna's whole backstory as henry shows that he was obviously traumatized himself by brenner and when he appeals to chrissy, fred, and max he attempts to persuade them to just give up/join him/etc because it's easier than carrying on. he's using their trauma against them. and then when max is faced with this threat of losing her life to vecna, it motivates her to want to get better and want to stop isolating herself from lucas and the group, she literally says "i don't want to go, im not ready" and it kinda overall like. saves her life! vecna acts as a narrative tool to explore mental health and trauma and guilt. imo it's much much MUCH more impactful for our characters to overcome him through their bonds and their desire to live despite what they've been through than like.....killing a monster of the week

obv you dont have to agree with me and that's fine but i don't think chrissy is like...a misogynistic charicature in the slightest. like i said before i really don't think chrissy's treatment in the show was uniquely different than fred's or even max's. i don't really understand how chrissy's trauma was "languished in" any more than fred's? i feel like they got equal screentime and fred's vecna vision was just as brutal as chrissy's, even if they talked about two entirely different topics. and if im being completely honest (again not trying to be rude or demean your view of the show, but you did send this ask to me personally so im going to give my honest opinions back) i think referring to chrissy as a "plot device" and not a "real character" is intentionally reading the show in bad faith.

this season is a horror season. people die like they do in any slasher movie. i understand if the vecna plotline isn't for everyone because like yeah watching characters who are already suffering die very tragic deaths is hard! but i think the point of vecna like i said before is to personify trauma, guilt, and shame to allow our characters to overcome those feelings. chrissy's death worked both to establish what vecna does and to involve eddie. but i dont think that automatically makes her a "prop" or a "plot device" because she's given a personality, she's given a lot of thought and care from the actress, she's given people who mourn her. i think it was genuinely one of the sweetest moments in the whole show when eddie dedicated his little guitar solo to her because it showed that her death affected him and in motivating him to want to kill vecna and save his friends from her same fate, it had meaning

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

(tw ed/sh mention) hey its attention seeking anon again and im sorry if i came off as saying self harm/disordered eating in general is attention seeking. its absolutely not for most ppl but in my case specifically it is attention seeking behavior. i overshare and occasionally exaggerate my issues on purpose, i complain to anyone any chance i get, i trigger myself on purpose to recieve comfort and support, etc. i feel guilty but i crave the validation painfully bad and i cant seem to stop. im afraid of seeking help because i know i am attention seeking so maybe me wanting help isnt actually me wanting to get better, its just more wanting attention. (not a baseless fear either, has happened in the past) i dont rlly know what the point of sending this is but i feel like i came off wrong in the first ask so i wanted to clarify. also thank you for your response, most of the time ppl tend to think the ""treatment"" for attention seeking is "ignore the person even tho they are very clearly in need of attention and you are causing them pain but its ok bc theyre just attention seeking so it doesnt matter". it was very validating to hear that im not alone and like,, even if my behaviors are maladaptive i still like,, deserve help and support and attention. thank you so much. /gen

Hi anon,

You're totally fine. I also relate to oversharing and exaggerating issues on purpose, and I know you said you experienced emotional neglect which I have on some level as well, so it's possible there's a correlation there. I think craving validation is completely understandable. Again, us being social creatures, we flourish from not just attention, but love.

While I know you say you're attention seeking, I still feel like there is a piece there that genuinely wants help and is trying to be mindful of attention seeking behavior, which is great. The way you've framed your issues sounds to me like the concerns you have about yourself are authentic and your desire to seek help also comes from an authentic place.

I also just want to say that I hate the idea that the treatment for attention seeking is to ignore them. It's a cry for help. While I also want to acknowledge situations where attention seeking behavior is harmful to the point that ignoring them is probably safest, I feel like most times someone exhibits attention seeking behavior, especially as a child, it's indicative that something's going on.

Hope you're doing alright. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi, thanks for answering, i appreciate it. also that you didn’t just call me toxic or some shit and tell me to fuck off. i’ve actually never thought of joining a discord server but it’s a good idea, thank you, i think i could try that. i guess on another account though to prevent anyone from accidentally finding out bc you know for yourself how it is. i’ll look up if i can find some kind of dbt workbooks online as well.

the journaling idea is good as well, i’ve actually been trying for a while but i end up rarely using it as a past experience left me with kinda bad trust issues about writing / drawing things down where someone could see them. but i guess i could try hiding it better this time or something. it’s just this thing that also sometimes venting like that actually ends up making me even more frustrated, as i realize i’ve already written about this exact thing countless times before yet still nothing has changed.

i’m trying not to make a too harsh judgement of my therapist yet, considering i haven’t been seeing her for that long, but… yeah. when i said that i’ve been going to therapy for years i meant going to a lot of different ones in this time. no one ever gets me. their advice is always so fucking useless. honestly at least this current one actually listens and doesnt make me feel uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. i think she’s the one i’ve been the most honest with because of that (and also because i just started telling her everything from the first session on already bc i’m tired of everyone always turning out to be nothing but a waste of time and money and effort), i generally lie to therapists esp my psychiatrist so i can get the meds i want (or else im 100% she’d just put me on some shit like antipsychotics, which ive been on in the past and i’d honestly rather kill myself than take them again, idk if you’ve tried them before but i basically felt r*tarded [idk how some ppl are sensitive of slur use like i personally dont care but i dont want your blog banned or smth] and tired all the time and it “”””helped”””” in the way that it made me too slow to be able to think about my problems. thanks psychiatry. not a traumatizing experience at all). i mentioned that i suspect i could have a personality disorder to her once or twice and she seemed to agree that it could be a possibility, but obviously no one can diagnose that fast. but i guess i’ll see. i really just want to know whats wrong with me, why do i think the way i do, why i can’t just be more fucking normal no matter how hard i try. but getting an actual diagnosis of a PD esp if it turned out to be this one would just mean i’d get treated even worse by every single doctor, not even necessarily a mental health one, bc physical doctors see all your records as well,, i’ve already been told my legitimate physical issues are just bc im depressed, or even if they dont straight up tell me they definitely treat me less seriously and i just know its bc i have mental illnesses diagnoses & im female.

i just … ugh. i feel so sick of it all and misunderstood. i know i can get genuinely abusive in arguments when someone upsets me but i really dont know how to stop or control myself. i hate that people act as if it’s all my fault. like everything i’ve gone through doesn’t even matter and i’m just an inherently evil person. like i didn’t have some kind of a terribly traumatic childhood, but i’ve always been either bullied or excluded by almost everyone i’ve ever met and all the social isolation honestly really fucked me up. i think that’s why i developed such a strong individuality complex as i’ve never been able to think all of it must be simply because i’m worthless. like fuck no, 99% of the people are dumb and shallow and ignorant towards reality of the world and i’m supposed to feel like i’m somehow worse than them? at least i have self awareness and my own thoughts. i mean i do think we’re all worthless because nothing in life has any value, so why should humanity be the exception? that still doesn’t stop me from hating everyone though. i may be a hypocrite but so is everyone else; and at least i don’t pretend to be a gOoD pErSoN. lacking empathy and not having morals doesn’t make me any less deserving of help even though i know how many people unironically believe people like me should just be shot. fucking brainless hypocrites, all of them.

but anyway yeah my point here is, fuck people who think anyone chooses to be this way. all of this has done nothing good for me other than made my life much harder. and not to mention unable to ever get genuinely close to anyone because what is the worth in a relationship if i can’t even bring myself to care about anyone? i don’t think “empaths” even realize how alienating it actually is. which is once again so ironic because THEY should be the ones to try to understand it, but no, they just generalize everyone and share the nonsense propaganda that we’re incapable of change.

so yeah, this turned into another vent but i really lack any people in my life who i could be honest with. i feel so lonely all the time. it’s not even really missing a friend group or romance or physical touch, it’s more of this feeling of feeling completely alone and that no one (other than a few people whose writings and actions i admire but they’re all dead) would ever be able to truly understand me. so yeah as cheesy as it is, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded i’m not alone by someone other than a generic social media post made by someone who’d 100% hate me if i told them even half this shit. can i maybe dm you sometime btw? i felt like staying anon while writing this bc i tend to get anxious with ppl at first but idk, maybe, if youre comfortable with that ofc

btw if its alright to ask can i ask how did you get diagnosed? what was the process like and how long did it take? did they suspect anything else at first? do you feel treated by ppl any differently now tjat you have a diagnosis of such a stigmatized disorder? (^ i mean these previous questions if youre diagnosed by a psych, if not its perfectly valid as well ofc) whats personally helping u to cope?

Good luck! I’m glad I could offer some help/reassurance. Maybe instead of a physical journal you could use a private blog or even just a notes app on your phone/computer if that sounds safer?

I do hope things improve with your new therapist and that things work out, it’s good that she at least agrees you might have a PD. Normally I’d recommend a therapist who specializes in PDs, maybe even especially NPD, but idk if that’s accessible for you and/or if you’ve already tried it and had no luck.

But again, I want to reiterate that you’re not alone, and what you’re going through and what you feel is 100% relatable to other pwNPD. I truly wish that more people understood us and the irony isn’t lost on me that it’s always “empaths” who are the ones who have the LEAST empathy for us. And I feel like the societal lack of understanding contributes to the more “ugly” or “stigmatized” traits of our disorder even more, tbh. Anyway, my point is that I definitely don’t mind at all if you vent, so please do feel free to DM me if you want to or feel more comfortable that way!

As for my diagnosis, it’s a bit messy — for context im a recent graduate from college and the bulk of my therapy came from campus services, where it was acknowledged I very likely had a PD especially within cluster B but I never got an official diagnosis while I was seeing the school-based therapist, and at the moment I’m trying to find a new therapist who can help me. At first we thought I just had a really intense form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria due to ADHD, then realized it was likely something else. So I’m a weird mix of “self diagnosed, but likely wouldn’t have admitted it to myself or realized it if a professional hadn’t pointed me in that direction.” Until I can find a professional im honestly just doing the best I can to help myself. Sometimes I get tempted to turn to substances to cope bc they make me softer and more open, and if you feel the same way I highly recommend avoiding this, ofc. I mostly use relatable music (lmk if you want my NPD playlist!) and DBT workbooks as a way to help myself, and I also just try my hardest to avoid or remove myself from situations where I might lose my cool and become toxic. Obviously this is easier said than done, but there are ways to do it. For instance, if I’m in a group chat where I feel like people are getting more attention than me, I’ll mute the group chat and maybe text someone from a different group one-on-one (not necessarily about my issues, just in general).I know that answer is pretty mild and entirely social media based lol, but it’s the best example I can provide.

[b4byb4ts]

ive been gone for SO so long but i think i want to start using this acc as like a but of a diary type thing--

so.. last time i was here i was super deep in my ed and going through a LOT of shit.. since then i accidentally recovered from my ed, not as much mentally but i have gained,,all of the weight i lost back,, i eat pretty "normal" but i still feel incredibly guilty and feel like the "i never want to eat again" type feelings..

i lost one of my closest friends bc of my ed, and though it has completely destroyed me,, honestly it was probably for the best, its part of why i recovered. he told me he didnt think i would ever recover after he tried to force me to and i said i didnt want to, but after that we stopped talking (his choice not mine) and i at first took it as a "okay well im going to get as sick as i possibly can" but then realized that was what he wanted so i instead forced myself to recover fully out of spite as a big "fuck you" to him.. and i even tried to tell him thinking fkr some reason he would care. he didnt. i got a thumbs up and a good luck along with the most like.. "youre a waste of space" type of look ive ever gotten. and it COMPLETELY destroyed me.

moving on... i got a new job at a v popular coffee shop in my town and its absolutely amazing, everyone i work with is absolutely lovely and i just love it so so much.

I also got back with my boyfriend and ive never been happier in a relationship, im absolutely sure that he is "the one" like i trust him more than my own mother and im more comfortable around him than anyone ive ever been with before everything is just so so lovely.

not that everything has been perfect like it sounds though,,, im still not mentally recovered, again, better than before, but still not great,, i constantly crave my ed like i want to relapse so bad i just,, cant for some reason,,?

more on,, health,, mental AND physical,,, i got diagnosed with pretty much a chronic illness, i still dont know the cause for it,, like i have treatment for the symptoms but no clue what the cause is. i got diagnosed with adhd during my ed but that is,, obviously still there,, i just very recently got told by my therapist that she thinks i may be autistic,,, i looked into it and it seems VERY possible which is,, a lot to think about because i have no clue how to tell my parents or if ill even be able to get diagnosed,, plus ive got a TON of shit with my family going on,,, my dad lives in a different state but there's a LOT going on with him which stresses me out,,a lot.

OH one last thing -- i learned to crochet!!! i learned with,,, disordered intentions (i thought if i learn to crochet i will be using my hands more so it will be easier to not eat) but i love it SO SO much, I'll probably be posting a lot abt crochet now because its like,, all i do lmaoo

anyway, thats all ive got for now i think -- hopefully i wont just disappeared again (even though nobody actually reads this-) but if you are reading, thank u so much for actually caring enough to read all of my rambles <3

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

i'm not sure what kind of spider it was, it was itty bitty and it was kinda walking around on my blanket and i reached out and it crawled onto my hand [i sleep on the floor because i'm worse than the joker (✿◠‿◠)]

when i was like. In the Ambulance. back in june. the paramedics asked me if i have any health conditions. and i told them something a bit like "physically not much, mentally autism spectrum and dissociative disorder" cuz i didn't want to speak much because Pain so i just skipped some words here and there. and later (when they actually agreed to drive me to a Regular Hospital after spending a Lot of time on talking) paramedic 1 asked paramedic 2 if they should [word that usually means something like "secure" but is often a fancy word for "restrain"] me and paramedic 2 said that it doesn't seem necessary

this is what Split (2016) does to ur brain..... why would you even consider restraining someone who is eerily calm according to u. also i was like less than two meters away and could hear them (◡‿◡✿)

im gonna go snork mimi now... night night ♡ or probably more like. day day. idk.

- kanra

SPLIT (2016) (DEROGATORY)

hyde is my ""evil alter"" but im actually a lot worse than him hngnf dhddn. he has a normie ass persecuter name but he stole it from someone on twitter who followed me and had fuckin, "dni if ur problematic!!!" in his fucken carrd so hyde STOLE HIS NAME. my brother in christ my twitter username is BREAKINGIZAYA. we post freak shit here sir!!

and yeaaagh thats why i dont tell my doctors abt my mento illesses except for my anorexia, bc its relevant so they STOP PUSHING WEIGHT LOSS ON ME EVERY APPOINTMENT but its not like they listen tho teehee!! except my GI doc shes a real one mwah! its always the doctors who have the least amount of control over yr health that r the nicest fr!!!! oooo i needed to call physical therapy for my back MONTHSSSSSS ago ffucky wucky fuckie

ANYWAY THE SPIDER !!!! i luv spiders they r so cute!!! heres a pic of a spider outside my apartment!!!! featuring a scandalous bit of ankle mmmmmmmmmmm

[xx-neon]

june 12th

hi 

i wanted to start writing because i feel like itll help me in some way, ive never really said anything i think or feel. i never really say anything at all. 

if for some reason someone who isnt me reads this im sorry. itll be a lot of word vomit and just generally unpleasant so maybe dont read all of it lol. im going to try and not use lol beacuse i do that to lighten the mood.

anyway.

yesterday before i went to work i had this really strange feeling. it was this weird sense of nothingness and everything? i feel like thats how people feel before they die. like a weird calmness. i felt comfortable and okay with everything. so i felt nothing really when i googled if hanging yourself hurts, i have a rope and everything but i just wanted to make sure i wouldnt feel any more pain. in my head i thought it would be kinda like a slap to the face if i wanted to kill myself because of the pain and then the last thing i feel is pain ha. 

anyway. i got really annoyed when all the results were for the suicide helpline. numbers to call, resources, texting lines everything. i just wanted to know. but then i gave up. as usual. 

all day yesterday i was just planning on when id do it. i wanted to pick a good day. i remembered that i have to clean my apartment first, make sure my cat is fed, but then my friends birthday is coming up and i wanted to wish them a happy birthday, and i had plans to hang out with my friend, and then after that i had plans to hang out with another of my friends. i realized maybe im too busy to die and i really didn't want to disappoint anyone. so i just gave up on that thought. (i did see my friends i was supposed to see yesterday, and this guy bought my food and drinks which has never happened before which was really nice) 

idk how i got here honestly. ive tried suicide before but obviously im writing so that didnt work. but before was different. i just went for it. i didnt think about it. i didnt plan anything i just went 1,2,3 go. i mean, i know how i got here. myself. if i wasnt such a fucking people pleaser maybe I'd have enough balls to be in a better place. 

my ex and i officially broke up last week, and thats kinda where it all started. i know it sounds stereotypical but i dont want to die because of the breakup but because of the feelings that came after it. i really wanted to break up. it was my idea in the beginning. but it took him forever to just say “yeah i dont have any feelings so this is it”. it was like my ego took a flip. ive actually have never had someone say that to me. that sounds really uppity i know. but its true. in my head i thought “after all i did for you thats how you end it?”. and i really ruined my life for this guy. i quit my old job i did hate it tho, moved away from my friends and family, he got into an accident so i used all my money to take care of him and had to take off work, drove him everywhere bc he couldnt drive, etc. and what did i get in return? he cheated on me twice, treated me like shit, slammed a door in my face so hard it broke my glasses, tried to hit me. the relationship was so bad all im left with is alcoholism and an eating disorder. so honestly, good riddance. 

he left me in a really, really bad place. i have to figure out where to live now since he just up and left. i dont have enough money to live on my own anymore. tbh i dont even want to write about it since it stresses me out so much. so i wont. ive just been drinking and going out to distract myself. not from him but like i said, the feelings that came after it. i want revenge, i want peace, i want him to apologize, i want him to never do this to anyone, and i just want to die. i dont have people to talk to about this stuff, i do but, i dont want to seem like an angry ex. i just want people to see the hurt that ive been through. i just want someone to tell me its going to be okay. that what i feel is normal. that people go through this all the time. i just want comfort. 

im sure if i actually told anyone about this theyd be like “but you have me!! you have your family!! you have people who care about you!!”. and yeah i do. but when youre so far down a hole, you dont see the light at the top, just darkness. and probably dirt lol. 

i cried for the first time today. since all of this happened i havent cried at all. my chest has been hurting so much since ive been holding it in. but the reason i started crying was kinda dumb. one of my old friends found me and reached out. he wanted to see how i was doing and what ive been up to. what was i supposed to say? “hey ive been horrible! just planning my suicide and and stuff ya know” but of course i couldnt say that so i just said ive been good. we caught up for a bit and thats when he said hes getting over a breakup that messed him up. so i took the bait and said yeah me too. he just said if you ever want to talk you can always call or text. so i just said thank you it means a lot and that things can only get better i guess. and idk why but thats when i started crying. he said 

“theres so much good to come” 

its so dumb but i felt like those words were just a giant warm blanket. especially with the head space that im in. obviously i could hear that from anyone. but hearing it from someone i haven't talked to in like 4 years meant so much more.

there are so many people who care about me. ive just been stuck dealing with my ex and only caring about what he had to think or feel. he never really cared about me like these people do. theyre concerned about me. they tell me to eat, they tell me theyre worried about my drinking, they dont want me to be out alone, they want to make sure im okay. 

so fuck my ex. fuck him and anyone who thinks hes a good person. hes such a manipulative piece of shit. no one really knows what ive been through. no one knows how hes left me. no one knows about the cheating. no one knows about the abuse. they know nothing. im sure hes talked about me. im sure hes told them how i have a hard time showing feelings. im sure hes told them.. i dont even know. hes probably pulled something out of his ass. and they probably feel so bad for him. i hope they do. and i hope one day they feel just as stupid as i do. 

i just had to get my anger out. 

but my friend is right i think. maybe there is good to come. ive decided to stick around to find out. 

[sofusgirl]

I'm so frustrated

I finally got in to get a psychologist so we could potentially get diagnosed with adhd and/or autism.

And he seemed so good, and so open to the possibility, and was telling me how it sounded like I had adhd at least (even if he wasn't really talking about the potential autism but that's OK, its whatever, one thing at a time.

But then he talked to my mother. And she basically disagreed with everything and now he's like "we can't diagnose you with adhd bc of what she told me, but we could look at potentially going over an avoidant personality disorder"

And I just feel like neither him nor my parents are listening to what I actually say about my experiences.

And its so frustrating.

They brought up me dropping out, and despite me telling my psych and my mother (separately) that I dropped out bc I literally failed. Mom is still convinced it's because of social anxiety holding me back and that I simply wasn't pushing myself enough.

I've been trying so hard for so long. I am just so tired.

It's not even just the apd possibility, bc even though I dont feel like that is it, I'm not arguing that is possible. It's the fact that I feel like once again no one is listening to what I'm actually saying bc they've already made up their minds about what it is.

I'm so fucking exhausted.

"Autistic people don't care what other people think of them" (said bc I worry about how I'm perceived, which I do bc people have told me I'm weird)

"Adhd people act out and you don't" But my head is constantly active and I spend so much money on impulse purchases.

Did you even listen at all or did you hear my mom and immediately discount everything I have said over the past few months?

[myxinidaes]

sage and ivy?

sage ⇢ what ‘medium’ of art (poetry, music, fiction, paintings, statues etc.) is the most touching to you? why do you think that is?

oh MAN i go inSAAAAAAAAANE over everything always but i think..... absolutely nothing can beat a perfectly illustrated comic. it's got it all. art. fiction. imagery and shit. and then you have to make it all WORK TOGETHER???? wild. i genuinely think that sequential illustrations are like. peak art. and yeah obviously when its done bad it sucks but i would argue you have a lottt more to think about than illustrating or writing alone. bc its a combination of the two!!!!!! and your writing has to compliment your illustrating and vice versa. if one thing is out of balance it detracts from the entire effect. and since it's a visual art form even the font and font size and the word bubbles/ lack of word bubbles are integral to the experience!!! scott mccloud wrote this book on comics that i think about CONSTANTLY like its so so so complex there are so many things that go into even two panels. and since it's illustrating you can make each individual snapshot of time as complicated with as much symbolism as you want...!

.... my ultimate goal for drawing in 2023 is to start dipping my toes into sequential illustrating. over time my daydreaming has slowly become little comic thumbnails which is kind of embarrassing but also i really really really want to do comics. sorry this isnt actually the question at all i just think comics are so fucking cool.

howEVER. good poetry????? life altering. mary oliver lives rent free in my mind. good writing? makes me feel shrimp emotions. good music? on the ground sobbing. there's this one statue of a woman holding her baby and i saw a picture of it and stared at it for like three minutes straight.....

i don't vibe so much with abstract art, but sometimes it's cool too! someone said that the point of really basic-seeming abstract art was to make people think about why they didnt do it either and i guess that's interesting in the hypothetical but then i go to a modern art gallery and likeeeeee man i dont really care.

ivy ⇢ what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired?

i'm pretty constantly tired due to *waves at sleep disorder* so i dont think i have any special tells for that other than yawning and being quiet haha. upset/annoyed is withdrawing or getting snappy

happy/content is for sure talking a lot or singing quietly i am soooooo annoying but also i dont really care! it's nice to be happy and if its not hurting other people. whatever! u know? nobody is being forced to interact with me