#what's probably the most telling is that my friends (all queer) CALL me a butch lesbian

[dykeinthedark]

venting in tags about gender n shit (long as hell) (u can comment and talk 2 me as always :3)

[carlyraejepsans]

So I'm about to ask something that might be personal ? And it deals with some personal baggage that you as someone on the internet might not be interested in hearing about ^^' so you might not want to talk about it as is your right obv !! So uh feel free to tell me to fuck off, but, how did you know you weren't cis?

Ya see, I've been questioning my gender for a while now, and I can't really come up with an answer. I'm a lesbian, that's a pretty big part of my identity, I'm not overly feminine but not masc either, when people refer to me as female I feel super uncomfortable, but I ain't too bothered by some of my body parts, ive daydreamed about switching to they/them pronouns online or masculine pronouns in my native language.... But all of that wouldn't fit with what people might expect of me ? And I'm scared if I actually went through those changes people might think I'm performing a form of queerness I shouldn't be privy to. And the worst part about this is, most of my friends are queer, non binary, trans... Wouldn't they think I'm trying to copy them ? Even though ive had those thoughts long before we met ?

Kinda feel like I'm stuck, and I don't know how to be myself, because myself might not align with how i act or how i seem to be on the outside. idk if you feel the same, but it's especially shitty living in a country with a heavily gendered language you can't escape adjectives forever lmaooo

listen to me. i am holding your face in my hands. nothing and i mean nothing you decide in regards to your gender and/or sexuality will ever be anyone's business but your own. the idea that you can "appropriate" someone else's experience with queerness is a gross bastardization of the discussion on CULTURAL appropriation, which is a false analogy and can devolve into gender essentialism fast.

you have no idea how many trans people (gay people too, but especially trans people) locked themselves in the closet because of that same feeling. of "not beeing privy to those experiences", especially for trans women. i promise, as long as you stop at establishing what a certain label means TO YOU and don't try to decide what it means for other people, then you will never hurt anyone. anyone who says otherwise is a cop.

there are trans men out there who lived as cis lesbians for a very long time, and because that was such a big part of their life, they still think of themselves as such, at least in part. for some it's out of kinship. for some it's out of genuine attachment to the word. same thing with gay men who grew on to become trans women. and trans people in general who still carry their younger selves right by their heart. genderqueers who ended up being cis after all, but who still feel like that period of exploration was crucial in shaping their identity. butch and femme alone, while particularly dear as lesbian identities, encompass all genders and sexualities. wanna know something funny? i throw terms around a lot in english, but if you asked me in italian what my gender identity is, i would say "bisexual". because almost every person in my life who's ever called me bisexual actually meant "nonbinary", or "whatever weird thing those transgendereds got going on lately" (some of them probably meant intersex as well, which just for the record i am not. as far as i know, at least). is it an outdated definition? sure. but unlike the literal italian word for nonbinary, bisexual is actually a neutral noun lol. and after all, my experience with gender does inform my sexuality, just as my sexuality informs my experience with gender. it's not wrong, technically. but if someone somehow assumes I'm a lesbian (which happens a lot lol) i don't usually correct them i just... go with it too, y'know?

anyway, what it sounds like to me is that you're obviously going through a period of questioning your gender and or presentation, which you took notice of, but you also feel some kind of peer pressure or societal expectation from other queer people that is denying you a safe, healthy form of self expression in this new period of your life that you obviously wish for yourself. please, try not to pay it too much mind. try out whatever label or description calls to you. change it without notice if you find something better. and if anyone gives you trouble for it, eat them. good luck buddy.

[miggfo]

Cis Yet Not Cis: The possible intersection of GNC identities and being trans/nonbinary, and misconceptions about GNC people

Introduction

I think the best way to introduce this post is to simply present a variety of often-conflicting quotes from LGBTQ people about "gender nonconforming" people(like butch women and femboys):

"Femboys can take off being a femboy at any time, unlike trans people."

"The character expressed gender euphoria at being perceived as masculine, so they have to be transmasc, not just GNC"

(a butch woman speaking) "My initial reaction to getting called cis is to cringe... cis is viewed as the opposite of trans, so it implies I'm comfortable with conforming to my gender"

(a trans woman speaking) "What is the material difference between me and my HRT femboy friends?"

"If you take away lesbianism from being butch, then all you have left is dressing differently."

"GNC people are not queer, queer is only if your identity or sexuality differs, and GNC people are cis"

"Nobody is assigned femboy at birth- they're essentially trans."

"Theres a long history of some butch women getting dysphoria for not being masc enough, sometimes going on HRT or getting top surgery."

"Femboy is only an aesthetic descriptor, it has nothing to do with identity"

“We never see him dress masculine, he's ALWAYS dressing fem, so how can he just be GNC?”

These quotes, and many others, reflect varied, conflicting perceptions of gender nonconforming people among even some trans people. So I suspect that a significant percentage of LGBTQ people have a flawed understanding of GNC people, and so I wanted to make this post. I think most of you basically get it but since I see some weird statements every now and then so i figure it may be helpful to convey this breadth a bit better, and that may help solidify it for some people.

(Also, to clarify a definition: I'm using "gender nonconforming" here to mean "someone who's gender expression doesnt match society's conception of their gender identity", ie butch women, femboys, tomboys, etc. As far as I can tell, this is a relatively recent definition for GNC. It has been heavily adopted as the primary definition in many LGBTQ circles(probably because of the vacuum it fills), but theres still people who use the term as an umbrella term for trans+nb+etc(which seemed to be the meaning before the recent shift) or people who use it to mean something like genderfuck, so I felt I should clarify.)

Expression and Breadth

A source of the disparity in the quotes above is that GNC identities involve something like a spectrum. For example, for male-identifying cis femboys, you could lay out a demonstrative spectrum something loosely like:

1)A femboy who is arguably gender conforming outside of the fact that he enjoys the aesthetics of dressing fem. It has no emotional importance to him, he can "take it off" at any time, and his conception of identifying male has not changed much.

2)A femboy who is only modestly attached to being a boy(demi?), but doesnt identify as being a woman nor feels a particular pull towards nonbinary conceptions either. Feminine gender expression is important to him(cant "take it off" without emotional harm), much moreso than what gender he identifies as. His conception of male identity is loose.

3)A femboy who's combination of feminine gender expression and identifying as male is important to him. His conception of male identity has changed a lot from what was given to him by society.

4)A femboy who is very similar to 3), but has a much stronger need to be feminine and be perceived that way, going so far as to go on hrt to feel expressed and fulfilled. His conception of male identity has changed drastically from what was given to him.

These are just loose examples(multi-attribute things dont map cleanly to a linear spectrum anyway, the point is to just demonstrate some things), and of course there are those in between each point. I also suspect a significant % of femboys are somewhere between 2 and 3- feminine expression is important to them, theyve opened up their concept of male identity a lot but are also kind of winging it(which is fine) and are more attached to femininity than male identity, and just have some movement towards certain values in reaction to things like gender restrictions and toxic masculinity.

You can of course construct this sort of demonstrative spectrum for other gnc identities like tomboys, men who identify as gnc but not feminine, gnc people who specifically value a mix(tbh a lot of femboys are like this), etc.

This illuminates a few things especially when viewed alongside conceptions of being trans. For example, theres a difference between:

-simply having "gender expression" without it having emotional importance to you

-gender expression being indirectly important to perception as a gender identity(like being seen as masculine as a vehicle to being seen as a man)

-gender expression being important as perception of a more specific gender identity(like being seen as a masc woman, not just a woman, not just masc, and certainly not a masc man or a feminine woman- the whole picture is key)

Part of why I bring that up is because some people seem to think that expression is only a tool to reinforce/convey identity, rather than sometimes an inseparable part of what's important to someone. (Also, just to mention: gender expression isnt just clothing.)

Another thing the demonstrative spectrum points to is breadth. The quotes at the top of this post pretty much all focus on a subset of this breadth of gnc people. Because of that, that makes some of the quotes flat out wrong(because they only imagined that identity as a specific thing- or are just stupid) and others just sound odd when you dont realize the part of the range they're talking about. Most GNC identities are fundamentally quite broad, partially because they point to a "mismatch" between identity and expression, but expression serves multiple different purposes as mentioned, and thus these identities are naturally broad.

Labels and Conceptions

Now, imagine the above spectrum, but broaden it from "cis male-identifying femboys" to "cis men". Now you have some gender-conforming men at the start of the list. Or do the same with a list for women, from gender-conforming women to butch women.

Having those side by side in the same list brings us to the next question: Do the gender nonconforming people have the same conception of their gender as the gender conforming people? Do they have the same "gender identity"? Is a butch woman the same "gender identity" she was assigned? Is identifying as a woman the same for a gender-conforming woman as for every butch woman who deeply needs to be perceived as masculine? Obviously, there’s some relation, but what counts as “the same gender identity”?

Before I continue on this, theres often some assumptions that go into "Trans" and "cis", such as:

-Being trans means having explored what gender means to you, having worked through discomfort with whats assigned to you and restrictions, and having thought about what resonates with you

-Being trans means gender divergence has a special importance to you

-Cis is thus often positioned as the opposite of these- hasnt thought about gender, hasnt self-realized, hasnt worked through discomfort on restrictions etc

-Gnc people are cis, and therefore etc etc

Again, like that quote above from a butch woman: "My initial reaction to getting called cis is to cringe... cis is viewed as the opposite of trans, so it implies I'm comfortable with conforming to my gender."

For a lot of gnc people(i dont know what %, of course, and have biased assumptions based on the communities im exposed to), their conception of their gender identity is about as shifted from their AGAB's gender conception as a nonbinary gender. But the fact that they use the same label(and probably still have some type of conceptual connection with their AGAB) obfuscates this shift, it obfuscates that they mayve gone through introspection etc. Questioning, exploring and understanding your gender identity doesnt just mean going from two identities with visibly different labels, but also includes going between two identities that have the same label(woman->(butch)woman)

Reconstructing a house can involve as much work and decisionmaking as moving into a new house. The ship of theseus, except gender. Virtually no boy is assigned a conception of manhood that can include being a femboy, nor needing to be perceived as feminine. That is a fundamental change they made/something they discovered while self-investigating, and those different needs demonstrate the differences. If a GNC person cant "just take off" being GNC because it makes them dysphoric/upset/deprives them of gender euphoric feelings, that points to the change and the pursuit of that different conception, and is hardly different from, say, nonbinary genders. Just as there are nonbinary fems who are close to indistinguishable in behavior/needs from very fem women but in a nonbinary identity, theres the same for male-identifying fems.

The "Nobody is assigned femboy at birth" quote initially took me aback because it sounds silly to even say, and while the phrasing could perhaps be better there's definitely a point: Nobody gets assigned very GNC conceptions, they dont start with that, even if you put clothing aside.

Of course, this doesnt mean all GNC people have a different conception of their gender than genderconforming people- again, the demonstrative spectrum before. Some GNC men still harbor toxic masculinity. You cant usually tell from outside signals what a person has thought about with their identity or what their needs are- this is true for every group. And sometimes change is not consciously thought out. But in any case I do think a considerable % of, for example, “cis” femboys basically reshape what being male identifying means to them and are essentially a form of nonbinary/genderqueer.

In general on this topic, I think this comic from https://somethingaboutlemonscomic.tumblr.com/post/678523447463313408/4x10-4x11-4x12-last-update-chapter is relevant:

Conclusion

Ultimately, my main points are:

1)i think some people need a bit more understanding that “gnc” and gnc terms like femboy are pretty broad categories and include some people who have extremely similar needs to trans people, as well as people who are just average cis people with different fashion, and everyone in between.

2)Cis and trans have multiple meanings that are positional/relative- see nonbinary people who hesitate to use trans depending on context, because they associate it with "having gone through a lot of things binary trans people are associated with going through". Similarly, GNC people can have an awkwardness with being called trans even if they have in mind everything i've said about being called cis. Being called trans is assumed to be like girl->boy/enby, rather than girl->genderqueer alteration of girl. Both terms can be perceived as off.

3)Gender identity changes can keep the same label, which can mask the degree of change inside those gender conceptions

This post may come across as like “many gnc people should count as nb and/or as trans”, and maybe, but honestly I don't care much about that, those words are fairly contextual and multi-purpose anyway and have moved so much over the years. That’s only perpendicular to my points of trying to convey GNC people more accurately and move past some assumptions.

In any case, if the fact that i'm walking near that claim is Wrong and Concerning im totally open to criticisms of my thought process etc, and i absolutely dont intend to conflate, say, “gnc people who just dress different but its not related to their feelings/self-conception/etc” with trans people or nonbinary people let alone the degree of their struggles/oppression, which is part of why its necessary to convey that gnc people are a range.

Like Shel said in https://cohost.org/shel/post/1221440-some-wisdom-about-be , people tend to get very confident in their specific experience of lgbtq communities etc, and similarly can get overly confident in what an average person is like. So I just caution you to be aware of the limitations of your own circles and small data sets. Like if youre about to say something like “all the people I know are <>” then you should probably immediately tread with caution because it seems to me that gender groups are usually considerably heterogeneous in many ways.

A few clarifications and misc comments:

-I definitely understand that cis GNC people have privileges that usually help them avoid some problems trans people face. Like being able to avoid a higher amount of bioessentialist ire, less likely that medical gatekeeping prevents them fulfilling their needs, etc. I dont mean to downplay that. But I do want people to understand things like that butch women have faced intense hatred for a long time, and some of the most violent hateful fascist comments I have ever seen on the internet have been directed at femboys- these things point to important dynamics of how right wing hatred works.

-I used the terms butch/femboy predominantly in this post because I felt like they quickly convey the degree of GNC i'm talking about, but I dont mean for them to monopolize conceptions of GNC. Talking about GNC people is always messy compared to, say, talking about agender people. With "agender", afaik(correct me if I'm wrong!) almost noone who would be classified as agender dislikes the term and also it is very clearly about them specifically- it is both sufficiently broad and specific. In contrast, "GNC" is pretty vague, "Femboy" doesnt cover all very gnc men(such as ones who dont consider their expression to be fem), and "Butch" has very particular connections with lesbianism, etc. Terminology is currently avoidably sloppy for describing GNC people, no way to avoid it.

-As alluded to at a few points, you dont have to be male identifying to be a femboy, although thats usually who uses the label. An accurate, inclusive definition of femboy would be "someone with a very feminine gender expression but still aligned with a mix of masculinity in some way(ie usually, identifying as male)". Somewhat similarly, butches are definitely not exclusively women, I was just focusing on that subsection of butches for the purposes of this post.

-Theres simply a huge overlap between the experiences of, say, fem trans women and fem gnc men and fem enbies.(and the same for the masc inverse) Theres a tendency to see a set of experiences and go "Oh! Same identity as mine!!!!" and not see whats shared across different identities rather than is particular to a single identity. Seriously the experience overlap is fucking enormous.

-The positioning of 2) in that spectrum is partially arbitrary but thats what you get when you try to map 4+ things to a 2 dimensional spectrum

-"Genderqueer" can be used to convey the meaning of "having a 'queer' version of your cis gender", but its has a ton of meanings and is very often used to just mean "nonbinary/trans", so its pretty impractical to try to use it to mean specifically that concept

-I focused on cis gnc people to make my points and comparisons more clear(isolating the focus to GNCness), but a lot of what I said is relevant to understanding trans gnc people, who are extremely based

[according-to-the-laura]

StackedNatural Day 89: 2x11, 13x10

StackedNatural Masterpost: [x]

January 18, 2022

2x11: Playthings

Written by: Matt Witten

Directed by: Charles Beeson

Original air date: January 18, 2007

Plot Synopsis:

Sam and Dean investigate a Connecticut inn run by a single mother where mysterious deaths are taking place. They find evidence of Hoodoo, and try to figure out who is causing the chaos.

Features:

Creepy hotels, giant doll houses, they “look the type”, spooky little girls, Sam has a guilt complex, Dean makes a promise he will absolutely not be able to keep, not-so-imaginary friends,

My Thoughts:

This is one of those pre-Cas episodes that for some reason I’ve seen a bunch of times. Like when I think about seasons 1-2, I think about Playthings, Dead in the Water, and Bloody Mary. It’s good stuff! Nice to have an episode for the Samgirls to balance things out a little.

The think I love about Sam’s character, especially in the early seasons when the writers were better at doing his plotlines, is how when he’s faced with a perceived failure on his part, he tends to go all out on trying to prove to himself and others that he’s a good person, where Dean hits the self-destruct button a little more. It’s an interesting character contrast.

Also, I think Sam should get drunk and call Dean short more often. I like when he gets to be funny.

I was trying to find a post that was going around a while ago from someone who hadn’t seen a lot of Supernatural but had been working under the assumption that Dean was queer just based on the scene where Sam says people think Dean is overcompensating, but I couldn’t find it. If anyone knows which one I’m talking about let me know and I’ll link it here later.

The point is, that sure was an acting choice, huh? Sam doesn’t give a shit beyond the fact that he doesn’t want people to think he’s having sex with his brother, but Dean is a bit fixated on why people think they’re gay, and then when Sam casually throws him under the bus as siblings do, he shuts down and looks away and doesn’t respond in kind. And then in one of the scenes immediately following, he retaliates by giving Sam the more effeminate hobby of doll collecting.

Other than that, I really like the design of this old hotel, I like that the bar reminded me of The Shining, I liked the young actress playing Maggie, and I liked the accidental Scoobynatural foreshadowing (although as we’ll see, Dean is going to be way more into Fred than Daphne by then). Supernatural has a bad habit of getting absolutely everything wrong about any cultural mythology that isn’t white (and even some white cultures, too), but at least the hoodoo in this episode was used out of love for protection rather than for evil. I like that the ending is kind of sweet, that at the end of the day Maggie was a child who was acting out because she felt abandoned and alone.

Notable Lines:

“Might even run into Fred and Daphne while we're inside.”

“Of course, the most troubling question is why do these people assume we're gay?” “Well, you are kinda butch. Probably think you're overcompensating.”

“You’re bossy. And short.”

“The more people I save, the more I can change! [...] You have to watch out for me, all right? And if I ever... turn into something that I'm not… you have to kill me.”

“Yeah, what are you gonna do, poke her with a stick? Dude! You're not gonna poke her with a stick!”

Laura’s (completely subjective) Episode Rating: 8.3

IMdB Rating: 8.4

13x10: Wayward Sisters

Written by: Robert Berens & Andrew Dabb

Directed by: Phil Sgriccia

Original air date: January 18, 2018

Plot Synopsis:

When Dean and Sam go missing Jody Mills calls Claire Novak and tells her to come home they need to find the Winchesters. As they search for Kaia the dreamcatcher who opened the rift Jody is worried about Patience's vision.

Features:

The GOOD backdoor pilot, the team comes together, if not love at first sight than something, Dreamhunter ship origins, brotherly bickering in a blue hellscape, oofta, Claire gets a flamethrower, Kaia “dies”.

My Thoughts:

GOD this backdoor pilot had so much potential, it’s criminal that it didn’t get picked up. I so badly want the girls to pick Jack up post season 15 and be like “Sam and Dean and Cas are on a hunting trip and they haven’t come home in a while” and all of them go on adventures together. Imagine it! (Yes I am open for fic recs.)

I don’t really remember Alex and how she joined the crew, but she’s so steady under pressure, it’s amazing. Add in Patience’s visions and anxiety and Claire’s fire keg, and it’s a great mix of characters. Plus, we get more exploration of Jody’s character and how her driving force is her love for her dead son and her adopted daughters.

I’m also a big Donna girl, and she is a total badass in this episode. She’s really come into her own in hunting in a big way, which is super satisfying to see.

The monsters are kind of charming in that they look like Doctor Who characters, but the giant looks ridiculous. If you don’t have the budget to do good cgi, you shouldn’t do cgi. Half the reason the earlier seasons look better is that they use practical effects more often.

I love watching Sam and Dean sit in a hellscape and bicker. It’s just very funny to me that all they did this episode was eat hot lizard and get captured.

Kaia and Claire are a great ship and I really wish we got to see them interact on screen more. It’s awesome that Claire’s queer status is going to be confirmed in reference to Kaia later, but it seems crazy to me that we never see their reunion. They hit so many good romance tropes in this episode and then it gets kind of abandoned. They showed each other their scars! They want to protect each other from danger!And hey, speaking of Kaia coming back, is there any explanation of how she survives that stab wound? It seems like it should have been extremely fatal without serious medical intervention, especially since Dark Kaia removed the impaled object which is a big no in first aid. I guess Dark Kaia could have bandaged her up before going through the portal, but she should have major damage to her internal organs.

The colour palette of the Bad Place is hysterically bad. You need to balance it a little better when the fire is practically green onscreen. Phil Sgriccia’s weird shaky-cam-fast-zoom-reality-tv style directing makes another, slightly more subdued appearance, but it’s taking down my enjoyment of him as a director significantly. Rewatch the scene where Patience comes back into the house after trying to leave and tell me that he was making good choices.

Notable Lines:

“I kill monsters. That’s who the hell I am.”

“It's Sam and Dean, they’re missing. [...] They were on a hunting trip and I haven’t heard from them in a few days.”

“This is just all way too freaky. I mean, your mom’s out burying a monster in the backyard.” “Well, §you gotta bury him somewhere.”

“If you go, I’ll go with you.”

“Donna, I cannot lose another child.”

“I’ll protect you.”

Laura’s (completely subjective) Episode Rating: 9.0

IMdB Rating: 8.3

In Conclusion: These episodes are a really interesting look at how much the show has developed from early to late seasons. The colour palette is worse, but I love when it allows itself to be an ensemble show.

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[whitherwhence]

Monstrous May Challenge, Day 6: The Lycanthrope 

Honey Bear

A werebear comes out of hibernation, the townsfolk welcome her back. Some clumsy flirting, and a little bit of soft manhandling (bearhandling?). wlw. 1428 words, somehow.

She always came down from the mountain just before mid-spring, after taking a few weeks or so to shake her winter sleep off her bones and bulk back up a little. You couldn’t miss her as she strode through town, she was tall and broad, brawny and thick as hell, friendly with literally everyone she passed, and her laugh could be heard from a block away.

Her name was Rebecca, or maybe it was Rhiannon, something with an R — but all anyone ever called her was Bear. An unoriginal nickname for a werebear, sure, but fitting. Everything about Bear seemed big; her voice, her appetite, her arms, oh god, her arms, and she took up SPACE wherever she went. She was the only one of her kind in this part of the country, and the humans of the small town she called home for most of the year were grateful for it. It wasn’t that they didn’t like her, she was very well loved and respected in the community. It’s that werebears could be a bit territorial, or so it was generally believed.

Madeline couldn’t wait to see her. This spring, she would make her move. She would! She was definitely going to do it. Whatever ‘it’ was. Ugh. How is anyone good at this? Alright. It’s cool, be cool. She would come up with something clever to say, and Bear would laugh, and then she would ask Bear to… hang out or something? Yeah. Probably. Super good plan. 

The unanimously favored queer club/tavern/bar was an absolute dive, nearly all of the bars downtown were, but it was the one everyone flocked to once winter had thawed because it had a big, comfortable patio space out back. It was also the one Bear frequented the most.

Madeline got a beer at the bar, and then made her way through the cool, dark, dingy, arcade-like interior, and through the back door to the shaded patio. Bear was on the deep bench built into the long back fence, and she was surrounded by a cluster of friends and neighbors, all chatting and laughing. It looked almost like she was holding court, if court was a group of townsfolk and a wooden table littered with half-full drinks, bar snacks, greeting cards, and small gifts — this was typical for the time of year, because everyone treated the first week of Bear’s return like it was her birthday.

“MADDIE!” a few would-be courtiers shouted out cheerfully, and someone conjured one of the well-used plastic chairs with battered metal legs for her to join them. She’d dressed carefully, it looked like everyone had, and it was so good to see them all showing off a little in the filtered afternoon sunlight.

After getting settled and saying hellos, Madeline dug her little gift out of her bag and set it on the table. “Hey, Bear,” she said, getting the woman’s attention, “I brought you something.” It was a jar of dark, rich, wildflower honey from her neighbor’s fall harvest. He always set aside a few jars for her, and this batch had been too good to keep to herself. She turned on her best wide-eyed, exaggeratedly innocent expression and aimed it at the werebear. “Bears do like honey, right?”

Thankfully, Bear laughed big and wonderful, and it sent blooming warmth from Madeline’s chest to her toes. “Well, this one does,” Bear said good-naturedly. She picked up the jar, tipped it, and watched the air bubble move down the side. She smiled at it and said, “Thanks, Maddie. Very kind of you, looks real good.” She looked back up at Madeline, and her smile softened into something really sweet. They just sat there for a moment, smiling and blinking softly at each other like a couple of goofballs. So, this was going well.

These springtime afternoons were always the nicest time to catch up with everyone. It was late enough in the day to get some good gossip, and too early for anyone to be out on the lash. The day slipped into golden early evening, Madeline switched to water, and the group filtered down to just a few friends. It got warm enough that she took off her leather jacket, and at some point Bear had rolled her sleeves up to the elbow. Those forearms. Madeline had to keep reminding herself not to sneak too many looks over at Bear, while she despaired over how to work up her courage to… what, ask her out? Seriously, why did it have to be so excruciating? But the thing was, as much as Bear caught her looking, she caught Bear looking back.

Okay, you know what? It was getting actually late now, and Madeline was starting to think maybe another day would be better. Bear had just gotten back, after all. They ran into each other all the time, no big deal. She’d just ask her all casual like, without all this build-up, yeah, that would be better, less pressure, good idea, okay, time to—

“Hey, Maddie,” Bear interrupted her spiral, thank fuck. “Help a gal out. It’s been months since I had a good look at you.” She leaned down, then grabbed one of Madeline’s chair legs and yanked, dragging it across the concrete a few feet. Suddenly they were very close, Madeline’s right knee and calf flush with Bear’s left. Bear inhaled deeply. “There, that’s better.”

“Whoa, haha,” Madeline uttered shakily. Had she just said ‘haha’ aloud? What the fuck. She blushed hard and tried harder to regain her composure. “Wait— did you just smell me?”

Bear laughed low and warm, and snuck an arm around Madeline’s shoulders. “Yeah, is that okay?” she asked, and then more seriously, “Is this okay?”

“Yeah. This is okay.” She meant it, obviously. This was amazing. Madeline was tall in her own right, or at least taller than most women she knew, but she felt tiny next to Bear. This was the closest they’d ever been to each other, and holy hell was it awesome.

“You smell nice, by the way,” Bear said, amused but sincere.

“Well, thanks? Must be my shampoo.”

Bear leaned in to get another sniff and pitched her voice down. “Mmm. Must be,” she rumbled directly into Madeline’s ear.

Because she was really going for it now, and because a hot butch woman was talking low into her ear, for fuck’s sake, Madeline shivered. But they were careening towards a cliche back and forth, and Madeline didn’t want to play. “So, this is the part where you say ‘You cold, baby? You’re trembling. How about you sit next to me here on the bench, and I’ll keep you warm.’ And I say ‘Oh thank you, Bear, you’re so big and strong’ for some reason and then I blink at you all coquettishly. Let’s skip it. Scoot over.”

There was literally no reason for Bear to scoot anywhere, as there was plenty of room next to her, but she did it anyway. “You don’t think I’m big and strong? You wound me, Maddie.”

Madeline snickered as she pressed her side into Bear’s, getting comfortable. “Of course I do, but you don’t need anyone to tell you.” Bear’s hand settled on her waist. It felt so good to be this close to her, to snuggle in her arms — well, one of her arms, rather.  

“You know— oh, dammit,” Maddie faltered and looked down at her hands to gather herself. It’s cool, this is fine. It is. Time to be brave. She looked back up at Bear. “You know. You gotta know that I like you, right? Because I do.”

Bear was looking at her softly, her eyes half-lidded and dreamy. “You do, huh?” Her hand slipped down to Madeline’s hip and she started to knead the sensitive flesh there. “That’s lucky, because I like you too. Have for a long while.”

“But I’m not fast,” Madeline blurted. Bear’s hand froze on her hip. “I don’t know if I can jump in with both feet right away, Bear. You gotta give me a little time.” She took a beat to slow herself down. She could do this. “But, um. Can I take you to dinner?” She prayed to whatever deity that she had this right, that this is how people fucking talk to each other.

Bear grinned delightedly as she slid her hand back to Madeline’s waist, and squeezed her in a reassuring half-hug. “That sounds good to me, honey,” she said. “Just tell me when.”

~~~

—————

HOW LONG IS A LONG WHILE, BEAR. TELL US. Whew, this one fought me! And then it kept getting longer! Why!!! I just wanted to write a big ol’ butch wlw werebear and write another wlw who wants to snuggle with her 😭  Do you ever feel like you know where a story starts and where it ends, but the rest of it has to be fuckin’ wrestled out of your brain? I’m pretty sure I know what was going on, which is good, like, at least in the long run. Ah well, the important thing is that it’s done and I can release it to the wild. Right? Haha right, guys? Anyway. The two challenge days I’ve done so far have been heavy on the anxious, obvious long-time crush, so, I reckon something different for the next few. ANYWAY. <3

[keplercryptids]

nonfiction LGBTQ+ books i read this year

i read a lot this year, and a good chunk of it was LGBTQ+ nonfiction. so i thought it might be nice to list what i read. as a note, many of these books deal with LGBTQ history in the United States. too often, mainstream US-centric LGBTQ texts focus on white middle-class cisgender folks, though I’ve done my best to balance that as much as possible with other perspectives. (that being said, if you got ‘em, i would LOVE book recommendations that tackle worldwide/non-white LGBTQ issues!)

Accessibility notes: Given the nature of the genre, there’s a lot of intense discussion re: homophobia and transphobia. Basically every book listed covers those things to some extent, and I’ve specified where there’s additional potentially triggering content. (If you have specific questions about triggers, please let me know!) also, some of these books are on the academic side. I’ve done my best to note when a book was very academic or when I found it to be more readable. (full disclosure on that note: I’m a college grad and voracious reader without any reading-specific learning disabilities, so my opinion may be different than yours!) as a final note, I was able to access most of these as e-books/audiobooks through my local library. I live in a major metropolitan area, if that gives you any idea of how easy it’ll be for you to find these books. I’ve noted when a book was more difficult to get my hands on.

History

Gay New York: Gender, Urban Culture, and the Making of the Gay Male World 1890-1940 by George Chauncey. As the title suggests, this book focuses on gay male communities in NYC pre-World War 2. Even with that limited scope, this is an important read to better understand gay male history in the early 20th century. Gay communities thrived in the early 1900s and this snapshot of that is really wonderful. This is definitely more of an academic read, but I highly recommend it. while it definitely focuses on white middle-class gay men, there was more discussion of poor and/or gay men of color than i had actually expected, so that’s nice. (CW for rape and sexual assault, homophobic violence and medicalization of homosexuality.)

Queering the Color Line: Race and the Invention of Homosexuality in American Culture by Siobhan B. Somerville. Finally, a book about queer history that actually talks about black people! I was expecting more of a history book, whereas this was more of a critique of specific novels, plays and movies of the early 1900s and was way more focused than i was expecting. don’t get me wrong, I majored in English lit so i’m super into that kind of analysis as well, it just wasn’t as far-reaching as I would have liked. Also, it’s very academic. (Only the print version was available at my library.) (CW for racism, mentions of slavery.)

Transgender History by Susan Striker. This book describes itself as an “approachable introductory text” to transgender history in the US, which I agree with. It’s a pretty short read given the enormity of the topic, so it doesn’t go into much detail about specific groups or events, but imo it’s a good introduction. Especially interesting to me was the information about where and when TERF ideology began. Academic but on the easier-to-read side. (CW for transphobia, gross TERF rhetoric, brief mentions of the AIDS crisis, police violence.)

Gay Revolution by Lillian Faderman. okay so, I gave this 1 star. it’s probably a good book if you know absolutely nothing about US LGBTQ history and want an intro, but a review on goodreads said that it should be called Gay Assimilation instead and i completely agree. Faderman focuses on white middle-to-upper class gay and lesbian assimilationists, often at the expense of radical queer and trans people of color. The latter is hardly mentioned at all, which is ridiculous given trans folks’ contributions to the LGBTQ movement. When radical people ARE mentioned, it’s often in a disparaging way, or in a way that positions the radicals as too extreme. Faderman constantly repeats the refrain that the fight for LGBT rights was “just like what black people did for their rights” without any addendum about why that is...not a good take. There’s no meaningful discussion of race, class or intersectionality. She lauds Obama as a hero for the gays and there’s a ton (I mean a TON) of content about how military acceptance + gay marriage = we won, or whatever. anyway, i wasn’t a fan, although many of the events and organizations discussed in this book are important to know just from a factual basis. (CW for all the stuff I mentioned, plus police violence, medicalization of homosexuality. it’s also fucking LONG so i recommend the audiobook, lol.)

Queer (In)Justice: The Criminalization of LGBT People in the United States by Joey L. Mogul,  Andrea J. Ritchie, and Kay Whitlock. This is “a searing examination of queer experiences--as ‘suspects,’ defendants, prisoners, and survivors of crime.” A frequently upsetting but super important read about how LGBTQ identities have been policed in the past, and currently are policed today. i wish there was more focus on trans folks, but other than that it’s a solid read. (CW for all the things you’d expect a book about policing and imprisoning LGBTQ folks to include: police and institutionalized violence, sexual assault, transphobia, homophobia.)

Stonewall by Martin Duberman. This book follows the lives and activism of six LGBTQ folks before, during and after the Stonewall riots. Note: Stonewall itself is only discussed in one chapter about 2/3 of the way through, the rest of the book dedicated to the six individuals’ lives and activism up to and after that point. It’s a history book with a strong narrative focus that I found to be a fairly accessible read. (CW for minors engaging in sex work and sexual predation by adults, sexual and domestic violence, police violence, drug and alcohol abuse, mentions of suicide.)

And the Band Played On: Politics, People, and the AIDS Epidemic by Randy Shilts. This is a HEAVY but really important read about the AIDS epidemic in the US, tracking the disease and the political/cultural response from about 1980-1985. It’s journalistic nonfiction, so although it’s a very long book I found it easier to read than more academic-y books. the only thing i really disliked was how the book demonized “Patient Zero” in quite unfair ways, but it was originally published in ‘87 so that explains part of it. I want to stress again that it’s heavy, as you’d expect a book about thousands of deaths to be. (CW: oh boy where to start. Graphic descriptions of disease/death, graphic descriptions of sex, medical neglect, republican nonsense.)

Memoirs, essays, etc

Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme edited by Ivan E. Coyote. i felt mixed about this one! i appreciated the different perspectives regarding gender and desire, especially since this anthology contains a lot of essays by people who came of age in the 60s-80s (so there’s a historical bent too). but some of the essays feel dated, at best, and offensive at worst. there was more than one instance of TERF-y ideology thrown in. probably 1/4 of the essays were really really great, and i’d still recommend reading it in order to form your own opinions--also, imo it’s useful to see where TERF ideology comes from. this book was harder to find, and i had to order a print version through interlibrary loan. (CW for a few TERFy essays. i read this earlier in the year so it’s possible i’m forgetting some other triggers, sorry!)

Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation by (editors) Kate Bornstein and S. Bear Bergman. Serving as a follow-up of sorts to Bornstein’s Gender Outlaw, this is a collection of narratives by transgender and gender-nonconforming folks. While not “history” in a technical sense, many of the writers are 30+ and give a wide array of LGBTQ+ experiences, past and present, that are important. I didn’t agree with every single viewpoint, of course, duh! But some of the essays were really powerful and overall it’s a good read. (CW for one essay about eating disorders, some outdated language/reclaimed slurs as to be expected--language is one of the main themes of the collection actually so the “outdatedness” is important.)

S/He by Minnie Bruce Pratt. A memoir published in 1995, focusing on Minnie’s life, marriage, gender identity, eventual coming out and relationship with Leslie Feinberg. i really enjoyed this one. it was beautifully written. there are many erotic elements to this memoir so keep that in mind. also was a little harder to get, and i had to order a print version via interlibrary loan. (i read this awhile ago and can’t remember specific triggers, sorry! if anyone knows of some, please let me know.)

I’m Afraid of Men by Vivek Shraya. A memoir by a trans woman ruminating on masculinity. it’s beautiful and very short (truly more of a longform essay), so it’s a good one if you don’t have the attention span/time for longer books. (CW for sexism, harassment, transphobia.)

Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde. god, this memoir is gorgeous and is one of my favorite books of the year. it chronicles Audre’s childhood in Harlem and her coming-of-age in the 1950s as a lesbian. ultimately, this is a book about love and that resonates throughout every page. idk can you tell i loved this book so much??? (CW for child abuse, sexual assault, a friend’s suicide, racism.)

We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir by Samra Habib. suuuuch a good book! Samra writes about her life as she and her family arrive in Canada as refugees from Pakistan in her early childhood, onto her life today as a queer Muslim woman of color, photographer and activist. beautifully written and just such an important perspective. Only the print version was available at my library. (CW for child sexual assault, a suicide attempt and suicidal ideation, non-graphic mentions of domestic violence, racism and sexism.)

Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kababe. this is a beautifully illustrated graphic novel memoir about the author’s journey of discovering eir identity as queer. i related to a lot of it, which was great on a personal level, but i also think it could be a great educational tool for those wanting to know more about gender queerness (especially for those who prefer graphic novels!) (CW for gender dysphoria, descriptions of gynecological exams, imagery of blood and a couple pages depicting being impaled, some nudity, vomit.)

[fandomshatelgbtqpeople]

mod a’s lgbt musicals

Hi there! I’m a big theatre kid so I thought for pride month I’d put together a list of LGBTQ musicals. Despite its association with queer people, musical theatre is not known for its amazing representation. I’ve put together a list here of musicals I know of with queer characters. I’ve tried to avoid those where the queer characters are incredibly minor roles or those where the representation is just not good enough to be salvageable (*side eyes Legally Blonde*) I know there are many musicals I will have missed out but these are the ones I am most aware of. Feel free to add more! So without further ado, here it is.

Fun Home

The big Tony winner of 2015! Based on Alison Bechdel, a butch lesbian cartoonist. At the age of 43, she looks for new material by trying to explore her past and her relationship with her closeted gay dad. Looks back at a version of herself when she was 10 and a “tomboy” and at 19 when she came out and got her first girlfriend. Has very cute lighthearted moments as well as very sad moments. Has a beautiful song where small Alison sees a butch deliverywoman. Problems in that since the original broadway cast, Alison’s costume has got less butch. Content warning for suicide.

Here’s their Tony performance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMAuesRJm1E

The Color Purple

Based on Alice Walker’s novel about black women in the 1930s. Follows Celie who has been abused by men her whole life who discovers she is a lesbian but also makes a journey of self discovery and learns to love herself. Her love interest is a bisexual woman. Won best revival at the Tonys in 2016. Content warning for discussion/implied sexual abuse.

Here’s their Tony performance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k2xzQyT2bk

Everybody’s Talking About Jamie

A teenage gay boy in Sheffield wants to be a drag queen and go to prom in a dress.Also a nice touch that is does not focus on him having a relationship (since he is sixteen) and him having to come out as he is already out. Focuses on his close relationship with his supportive mother. Has a diverse cast. Jamie is currently played by a black actor and his best friend wears a hijab and has a very diverse ensemble as well. Unfortunately has a part where Jamie responds to a homophobic bully by calling him a bunch of ableist and classist slurs.

Here’s a clip of the most popular song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7C3FuFWDdw

The Prom

Emma is a lesbian teenager in Indiana whose prom is cancelled by the PTA after she requests to bring her girlfriend to it. A group of Broadway actors come down to help her campaign to be allowed to attend prom, as well as styling her, helping her work on her confidence and educating the town’s people. What ensues is basically a two hour musical episode of Queer Eye. Cheesy and fun with so many musical theatre references crammed in. My one issue is that the show is rather harsh on people who are closeted since Emma has conflicted with her girlfriend Alyssa because she is not ready to come out.

Here’s a clip of their Tony performance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGcG_r5xv3E

Rent

Probably the most well known on this list. Artists in New York during the AIDS crisis. Two of the main couples featured are queer: Maureen is bisexual and in a relationship with Joanne who is a lesbian, and Angel is a transgender woman of color in a relationship with Collins, a presumably bisexual man. However, she tends to be played bi cis men and there are instances of her being misgendered by the main characters uncritically. In Rent Live (2019), all instances of her being misgendered were removed and her gender identity was confirmed. She was played in this by Valentina, an nb drag queen and has also been played by Pose’s MJ Rodriguez, a trans woman. Very diverse with Jewish characters and people of colour and in the live show, only 1 of the 8 main characters was white. Has been criticised over the years, mainly for its biphobic portrayal of Maureen who is promiscuous and implied to cheat, but in the 90s did a lot for the LGBTQ community and is more progressive than a lot of media even now.

Here’s a clip of Maureen and Joanne from Rent Live: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06oCfKYYPTY

And here’s some Angel and Collins: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hl-M94o_x8

Falsettos

Marvin comes out as gay in the late 70s but decides to move his ex wife and son in with his boyfriend. Addresses AIDS crisis in Act 2. Has “lesbians from next door” in act 2. F Revived on Broadway in 2016. All of the characters are Jewish. Unfortunately, in revival casts, very few actors tend to be Jewish.

Here’s the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjnAHOdMQVk

Come From Away

In the aftermath of 9/11, 38 planes are diverted to a small town in Canada called Gander. Shows people of different races and nationalities bonding in a scary time. Addresses Islamophobia. Has one song called Prayer where prayers from different religions overlap. Has an interracial gay couple called Kevin and Kevin. They break up in the end but are very important characters. Won best direction of a musical in 2017. The Broadway production starred Jenn Colella who has referred to herself as ‘mostly gay’.

Here’s a clip of Jenn Colella singing a song from the musical: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8ukgH6U-d0

Head Over Heels

Honestly I don’t quite know what this musical is about, even by reading the plot summary and listening to the soundtrack. I know it’s set in a Tudor fantasy world and that there are wlw couples as well as an explicitly non binary character, played by Peppermint, a trans woman, and that there are interracial couples and plus sized actors. It is a jukebox musical using songs by the Go-Gos and yes the wlw anthem that is Heaven is a Place on Earth is one of them. The soundtrack is fantastic even if you can’t follow what is going on.

Here are some show clips: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wx2qQ7QAPm0

Spring Awakening

German school kids in the 19th century discovering their sexuality. Two of the schoolboy supporting characters, Ernst and Hänschen, have a romance when they have a reprise of an earlier song in Act 2.  A BIG content warning as it has graphic discussions of rape and songs about it and a sex scene with very dubious consent. However there was a very wonderful 2016 revival using deaf actors and sign language.

This is another one you can very easily find the full show of on YouTube which I won’t link. However here’s the Tony performance for the revival: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSagsMcak4Q

If/Then

A woman named Elizabeth (originally played by Idina Menzel) moves to New York after a divorce and contemplated how different her life would be if she took two different paths. Four supporting queer characters. Her ex-boyfriend is bisexual and played by Anthony Rapp (who is bisexual in real life) and he gets a boyfriend in one timeline. Another of her friends is a lesbian called Kate who marries her girlfriend in the musical. Problems occur as in both timelines, cheating goes on in the lesbian relationship although they stay together in one. Elizabeth also says she doesn’t believe in bisexuals, a view no one ever challenges her on, however Lucas is very clearly bisexual which is some proof for the audience that she is wrong.

I’m not going to link it here but there are many very high quality bootlegs on it on YouTube if you want to watch,

Ghost Quartet

A bit of a weird one. This is more of a concept album. There are four performers who each play instruments and they tell the stories of many interconnected timelines. It is very hard to explain but there are souls travelling through time who keep being reincarnated as different people with different relationships to each other which usually end with one woman killing the other. In the song Soldier & Rose, the ghosts Rose and Pearl are lovers as Rose seduces the soldier for her honey.  In the song Four Friends, for one chorus the men sing “I like to put my hand on a pretty girls’s knee” and the women sing “pretty boy’s knee” and then they switch for the next chorus so they’re all bisexual. In general, a lot of fun if you like weird musicals and I mean really weird.

The full show is online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJSaEJm8pCE

Mean Girls

Yes there’s a musical of it. I was not looking forward to it when it was announced but have actually grown to quite like it. It’s hardly lyrical genius but the songs are fun and a lot of the problematic aspects of the film have been fixed. Damian is more explicitly gay in the musical and sings about an ex boyfriend in one song. Janis is heavily implied to be a lesbian (confirmed by actress offstage) and she doesn’t end up with Kevin Gnapoor. She is played by a queer actress in the tour cast. Both queer characters are much bigger roles than in the movie and get several songs each. I’d consider the musical to be quite white feminist but it does address issues such as the sexualisation of teenage girls and the notion that to be ‘sexy’ is ‘empowering’.

Here’s a clip of one of Damian’s songs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-zM6QKkxEQ

& Juliet

An English jukebox musical about what might have happened to Juliet in Romeo and Juliet if she had not died at the end. I haven’t seen it but I’ve listened to the soundtrack and it is mainly comprised of 21st century songs by women. One of Juliet’s best friends is non binary although is played by a cis man as far as we know. Also I went to the same school as one of the actors which is a bonus for me. Very diverse cast.

Here’s a trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dm2k9nS3o20

In Transit

A capella musical about several people’s adventures on New York public transport. Two of the main characters in this ensemble cast are an interracial gay couple where both are pocs. They are engaged but one of them is having trouble coming out to his mother. I found it refreshing in that his fiance for the most part was not upset with him at his struggles in coming out and they were both able to live fulfilling lives despite this. I am always astonished by the talent of a cappella singers.

Here’s a trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhvik6qoass  Another one where the bootleg can be found very easily on YouTube

Firebringer

Remember A Very Potter Musical? Well, the company that did that are still putting out new pieces of theatre on their YouTube channel. In 2016, they put out their ridiculous comedy musical Firebringer, about a group of bisexual cavewomen. I won’t spoil the ending but trust me, it’s great. You may know it from the viral clip of one of the main characters singing ‘I don’t really wanna do the work today.’

You can watch the full musical here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmVuNlu0LCk

Special Mentions

Company

Musical by Stephen Sondheim about a man unable to commit to a relationship, surrounded by his friends who are all in couples. However, the award-winning 2018 West End revival chose to change the genders of some of the characters. The main character Robert became ‘Bobbie’ (although all of her love interests were gender-swapped as well). One of the originally M/F couples became an M/M couple. It opened on Broadway for about a week before the Covid outbreak so that will be one to look out for.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtDK03y4gT0

In the Heights

A musical by Lin-Manuel Miranda about the Latin American community living in Washington Heights in New York. The original theatre production has no explicitly queer characters. However, in the upcoming movie version (that was meant to be released this summer but has been pushed back to next summer) it has been confirmed that the characters of Daniela and Carla (Daphne Rubin-Vega and Stephanie Beatriz) will be explicitly a couple.

I absolutely love this musical and the trailer for the movie looks beautiful check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0CL-ZSuCrQ

[mondfahrt]

Nobody asked for this but this is what tumblr is for, right? So here, some queer Die Wilden Hühner headcanons. Anyone can add to this, I really want to know all your queer headcanons! ( @theuncannybalth )

Sprotte: asexual, mostly into Fred but had a crush on Frieda once because lbh who didn‘t? Is extremely confused by basically every display of sexuality because there are really so many more interesting things in this world? On the other hand... that thing Fred‘s hair does right out of the shower? Makes her go all warm inside. Still, sex is... uninteresting, she just wants to live on a farm with her chickens and dogs and horses and friends. (And I don‘t know why but I really want the Klugscheißer to be her ally? Like, of course her mom is supportive but Oma Slättberg isn‘t and after one particularly bad day he goes to her and tells her off. He may not understand Sprotte all the time but he will support her.)

Frieda: pansexual queen, so laid back concerning her sexuality that she doesn‘t even realize that she‘s queer for the longest time. Also, she‘s basically the definition of an activist and spends all her life fighting for equality. Kindness is her biggest turn-on but queer confidence makes her Look. She wears a „free hugs��� shirt to Pride alongside her political banners, organizes protests, screams at Torte a lot for being sexist and terrible. Helps everyone but especially Wilma, Melanie and Trude overcome heartbreak. The Mom friend. Tends to push aside her own needs but will probably one day find a cute, really butch person who shares her enthusiasm and gets into heated debates with her that end in sex on the kitchen counter.

Trude: token straight girl but honestly the best ally and gets involved in body positivity. Once, Wilma and Frieda make her participate in a drag show for charity which helps her confidence a lot. She‘s still very self-conscious but will forget all about that when her friends are targeted by bigots. I can also totally see her as being very into history and going to protests with Frieda even when the others don‘t want to/don‘t have the time. (She definitely had a crush on Melanie once, though.)

Melanie: listen, she‘s my fave and I‘m projecting a lot here, but she‘s extremely bi and has a lot of internalized homo- and biphobia. Willi is probably the one she falls for the hardest (because OTP) but after they break up, after all that disaster in Book 5, they become Best Bi Friends, more than once crushing on the same person and maybe making out a bit when they‘re both lonely. I‘m not saying she realizes she‘s bi when falling for Wilma but... I‘m not not saying that either. Either way, some years into their twenties, that happens and Willi is the only one not surprised because he knew she had a crush on her for years even when Melli herself didn’t want to realize that.

Wilma: biggest lesbian on this planet, pines for Melanie most of her life, it‘s pretty pathetic to watch, especially after Melli‘s coming out when she‘s still making excuses like „well, okay, but she would never fall for me, even if she‘s into girls“. Theater gay, obviously, but also really into homoerotic readings of all the classic literature. Does not have time for heterosexual drama and will write stern letters to local theater productions why they didn‘t make that scene as gay as Shakespeare clearly intended it to be!

Fred: non-binary, they/them pronouns, Sprotte-sexual but would call themselves gay any day just to see the look of confusion in someone‘s (aka Torte‘s) face. They are extremely into skirts as soon as they get to wear one one day, and are completely shameless about it. Honestly, I can‘t see Fred being ashamed over anything.

Willi: bisexual, gets super flustered around pretty people in general but unapologetic guys in particular. Probably had a crush on Fred once but that ended at about the same time he witnesses Fred shove a marble up their nose (they were 14, it was a contest with Torte). He will probably always love Melanie a bit but is quite happy to transfer those feelings into a really close friendship. They overcome their internalized homophobia together and she teases him relentlessly about blushing any time a cute person smiles at him.

Torte: Token straight guy but also... not the best ally. Like, he and Trude have words about this more than once. He just doesn‘t get it. But he tries? Kind of? He hero-worships Fred and Willi so much that he tries to imitate them a lot during their teens, even tries to think about being gay or bi or non-binary or whatever - and is extremely frustrated because he just doesn’t feel that way. Girls are so pretty! (Frieda, sighing: „yes, they are.“ - Torte: „😨😨😨👀👀👀“) He misgenders a lot which leads to a lot of fights in the group and they almost fall out. This is where Trude steps in. He gets better at it but it‘s never the same anymore and it takes years and a lot of work on his part to mend those relationships.

Steve: trans woman, she/her pronouns, I‘ve written fanfiction about this, okay? She lets Melanie put make-up on her once, for her psychic/tarot reading seer persona - and is flashed by how much she likes it. Thus begins her path to discovering her gender. She likes her name and doesn’t change that but she does wear dresses almost exclusively and her seer persona suddenly is not really a character anymore. Her coming out is kind of awesome (first Wilma and the Hühner, who are extremely supportive) and messy. The Pygmäen are... supportive but confused, especially Torte and Willi who have their own stuff to deal with. Fred puts an end to it because they are the boss.

[brittie-frog]

Haunting of Bly Manor

Right.

I love horror and after spending sometimes days watching video essays on gay history, specifically in (horror) movies and film, I now kinda understand why so with the Haunting series and its gay rep and them not being the villain of the story, I loved it.

(Quick note I have only rewatched the show twice and can only take from my own experience of media)

My phone also knows me so will suggest news stories on things I've recently watched or current murder cases. So it suggested me this story today:

I went in open minded knowing that some people were angry about the ending falling into the 'kill the gays' trope (which I will come back to).

At first it was fine, talking about the ghost story/love story comment and how it relates to the show and has good analysis that I agree with. Then it goes on to basically summarise the show.

It keeps mentioning that all the gay subtext is implied:

why Dani broke up with her fiance

why Jaimie is reluctant to be vulnerable with Dani (before the monologue)

And that there needs to be a “lot of filling in between the lines” to understand their romance despite their practically constant flirting (Jaimie's 'Poppins' for Dani is the cutest nickname) and multiple kissing scenes. However, I digress, it can be sometimes hard to understand certain attitudes to each other at the beginning.

It also states that its like they want on the pat on the back for "making them queer, without making anything about them very queer". I don't know what this means, but I took two interpretations:

That not all queer people need to stereotypically look queer to be and that is a step forward for gay rep (I prefer)

That the creator wants to be celebrated for making gay rep without truely showing their queerness (which I think is pretty false)

Then it talks about the fireside chat and Jaimie's backstory, describing the monologue as "shoehorned" into the scene and "devoid of any mention of her sexuality". This is where the first part of my 10 minute research for context comes in. This is set in 1987 in a small town in England with an American. In charge of England at the time was the famously homophobic Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher that implemented Clause 28. No one in this setting and right mind - especially after being ridiculed for most of her life - would come out to any one, flirting or not, that they have known for at most a month or two. Also, this entire scene resolves around Jaimie's attitudes towards people, and why she's reluctant to get close to people, favouring taking care of her flowers over interacting with others.

Then it talks about Owen and Mrs. Grose having "more meaningful screen time and backstories that continue throughout multiple episodes".

First Hannah. We basically get Hannah's entire backstory in episode 5: how she met Owen, scenes of her working at the Manor (in non-chronological order) and how she died in the first episode. Then that continued into the final episode when she finally comes to terms with her death and her love for Owen to save everyone. We don't actually get much backstory in the way of her childhood or even how she met the family (from what I remember, correct me if I'm wrong).

Now Owen. His backstory is that he grew up in Bly, left to go to France and became a Sous Chef, only coming back because his mum got diagnosed with dementia and he needed to take care of her despite her constantly mistaking him for other people. That is also only explored through Hannah's memories of the interview and the bonfire-side chat.

Those are both sad backstories but you can't call them any more or less meaningful than Jaimie's of in depth about how her and her family were ridiculed and bullied throughout her life and even spent time in juvie. They all have points mentioned in their stories that I would love more indepth on: how Hannah met the family/met Sam, either Owen's childhood in Bly or his time in France and why Jaimie spent time in juvie. But I also realise this is a short series that has to make fleshed out characters and tell an entire story in 8 episodes.

The article then talks about how even the ghosts got an entire episode to themselves when they barely show up. If you look in the background of the majority of scenes you'll see them and personally I really enjoy getting their stories of how they died. However, that episode is about more than just finding out about the ghosts and Viola's life, it’s mainly about what led to her being the first ghost and causing other dead people to stay as ghosts and the origin of those specific words that give a ghost access to an alive person’s body, to help explain the majority of the show. If I showed my friend this show and removed that episode I would have more questions asked than when my mum finished it.

Now I don’t know what to say. I agree there is no law on art so it can be anything and I usually think that the haunting series are in a slightly different universe (it’s how sleep at night knowing that someone can’t be so stubborn they become a murdering ghost) but also yes, trans-roles should be given to trans people more often. However they are actors and their job is to play some they aren’t for entertainment so for the most part I agree with Scarlett about being able to play anything. Also yes the self-congratulatory approach after playing an LGBT+ character when you’re cishet is kinda bad unless you have the full support of the community telling you it was a good portrayal and accurate representation. It won’t be enough for minorities if our representation, that people outside the communities are calling great, are just surface level characters that are just there for tokenism but you can’t compare Bly Manor characters to those types of characters. All of them have so much development and are well done that the majority of the community that has watched the show have no problem with and love their representation.

Personally I love both Theo Crain and Jaimie and Dani because they represent different things. Theo Crain is on a basic level. as a lothario, a stereotypical butch lesbian, constantly hooking up and struggles to actually open up and love people. Dani and Jaimie are soft, domestic cottage core lesbians in a flower shop AU. This is not a bad thing and just because they have a “tepid romance” doesn’t mean it’s a step back. Also more context time:

 As said before Thatcher was in charge and heavily homophobic, creating laws to stop people from teaching children about homosexuality since gay sex had been decriminalised recently

 It was the middle of the AIDs epidemic. Dani was coming from a country that was doing nothing about the deaths of thousands and going to a country where hysteria about AIDs was rampant but they were doing more, like the ‘AIDs: don’t die of ignorance’ information leaflet despite it not being as huge with 46 deaths by 1984. (That assumes that the AIDs epidemic happened in this universe)

Dani clearly had some form of internalized homophobia before even coming to England because she spent so long with her fiance hoping to feel the way she’s supposed to (I think the ghost of him is her guilt and internalized issues personified as it constantly appears when she’s trying to move forward.)

Also in the final episode it shows that is probably at least some homophobia in America as they kiss in the shop then look outside and go to the back so no one can see. (This could be interpreted as seeing if anyone is planning on coming in so they can escape without having to stop early for customers but Jaimie had already changed the sign to closed.)

Now onto the ‘kill the gays’ trope. Yes this is a huge trope that is so damaging to the community that we’re constantly the ones killed off for views or when their tokenism is no longer important, that is fucked up! However this doesn’t mean that we should give every gay character plot armour, cause that’s also unrealistic, just to please the select few that will call it out as a damaging trope. There is huge difference between say, The 100 killing Lexa and Bly Manor killing Dani as one has plot relevance and brings the story to a close while the other enraged an entire generation so much they started a brand new convention to celebrate queer relationships/characters in media. It’s also not like she was the only one to die, it’s horror after all, Hannah, Rebecca and Peter, the parents and all those ghosts died or were already dead.

Like many of the comments on the article - If all you got from this show was it falls into kill the gays, you have completely missed the entire point of the show.

[shakespeareintellectualbadass]

http://andthenshesaid.co.uk/expertsofourownexperience/queer

Feels weird to advertise a blog on a blog, but I'm writing a series called Experts of Our Own Experience around pieces of my personal experience of life - being neurodivergent, dealing with depression and anxiety and an eating disorder, and most recently, being visibly queer for the first time in my life. I've learned more about myself from hearing others talk about their experiences, and I'm a big believer in learning about experiences other than your own, so whether any of these things apply to you or not, maybe you'll find something connective.

If you're interested, check it out, lmk if you have thoughts ✌

I’ve known I’m not straight since I was seventeen.

I went to all-girls school for fourteen years, from age four to eighteen. All my friends were female until I got to college. For most of my youth I was more consumed by the romantic stories my imagination conjured up, and generally those stories starred princes rather than princesses. I never spent any time overanalyzing it because it never felt wrong, to imagine either but focus more on boys.

And yeah, I’m definitely attracted to men. I obsessed over the boys we met at parties in high school like my friends did. I enjoy flirting with and dating men (most of the time…). I have a longstanding, embarrassingly strong celebrity crush on Jensen Ackles (like full blush, swooping in my stomach listening to him sing or when he winks at the camera). I remember one particular boy who my best friend and I fought over for about an hour at a friend’s quinceañera freshman year (that might be the most heated fight we’ve ever had and we’d only met him at that party, which is ridiculous). I also had really intense female friendships I didn’t think anything of. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see how those friendships with girls I liked and admired - the really earnest ones where I’d go out of my way to do things for them and be around them because I just really want her to want to be my friend - were actually crushes. I’m a people pleaser (with people I care about anyway), but I recognize that higher intensity now that I’ve been through more serious relationships. Definitely bisexual.

It clicked in the autumn of senior year, when I fell for one of my friends from school. We spent a few months pining and then dated for about half a year (though we were both dealing with shitty mental health struggles at the time and were overall not very good for each other) and broke up right before I graduated. All our friends knew we were together, as did my family and probably hers and probably quite a few more people than we knew. What can I say, I’ve never been known for my subtlety, especially when romantic interest is involved.

But right now is the first time I’ve been obviously queer. Visibly, aesthetically queer in how I choose to present myself.

I’ve easily passed for straight all my life. I’ve had long hair and lengthened my eyelashes with coats of mascara, worn low cut tops and tall heels and tight jeans. I’ve flirted with men more than women and leaned into my soft, feminine energy more than my assertive, masculine energy.

But I’ve never had to adjust to being bisexual, to accept that about myself. I never worried about what my parents would think. I know I’m enormously lucky because of that. That said, there’s a difference between coming to terms with being bisexual and being comfortable presenting as queer. My parents are both artists; they both went to college for performance (acting for mum, singing for dad) and are wonderfully open minded and raised me with that same open-mindedness. I don’t think I ever actually came out to them. I could tell they knew about my interest in my high school girlfriend, so I just started talking about it, and that was that. My whole extended family is very accepting, and there are other LGBTQ+ members of the family. One of my cousins is trans and bi; we make a lot of jokes about being the gay cousin (“every family has a gay cousin; if yours doesn’t, you’re the gay cousin” “but if I’m the gay cousin, and you’re the gay cousin, who’s flying the plane?”). My dad’s mom and her partner have been affectionately dubbed The Grandmas for my whole life. Grandma Natalie is as much my grandparent as Grandma Gayle, though we’re not related by blood. I don’t know how many members of my family know I’m queer - I’ve never specifically come out to any of them either - but I don’t worry about it. It’ll become obvious at some point, or I’ll drop it in conversation like I do so often now.

It does vary, how out I am - in high school I was comfortable with it in my personal life, but I never considered joining the LGBTQ+ club - and it’s been different when I’m in a relationship. Both my long term boyfriends were queer/on the bisexuality spectrum, but we presented like a heterosexual couple so never had to worry about coming out. While my high school girlfriend and I weren’t subtle, we also weren’t fully out as a couple. Her family was religious and she was worried about their reaction. On top of that, we were both fairly femme, and in Catholic school the general assumption is that everyone is straight. When I got to college, I only dated men. Part of that was residual fear left over from how badly that high school relationship ended. Part of it was I went to a Catholic university (seriously, how did I spend eighteen years in Catholic institutions when I’ve never been Catholic). A lot of it was compulsive heterosexuality - something queer women fall into a lot because our society is set up with men as the be all and end all (“how could anyone not be attracted to men?” “Of course the ultimate happy ending is settling down with a man...”). A lot of it was how much more I was around men. For the first time, there was a lot of choice, which was an exciting prospect. Even when I wasn’t in a serious relationship, I tended to only focus on men as romantic prospects.

Again, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see how much I’ve been and still am guided by that ingrained need for male attention and validation. It’s also easier to pick up men than women - there’s no is she flirting or is she just friendly to deal with – because men and women are socialized so differently that men don’t usually gush and compliment women they’ve just met in the same way that women do. Maybe it’s just easier to assume men are flirting because of the stereotype that men always want to get laid. Maybe it’s scarier to flirt with women. Maybe both. It’s certainly possible that’s my own projection rather than fact. That said, I did once have a two hour conversation with a lady in a shop during which we effusively complimented each other multiple times, and I have no idea if she was flirting with me or if she was just nice. Girls in bar bathrooms consistently hype each other up without ever exchanging names. It’s wonderful, but it does make things a little foggy when one is trying to flirt with a lady.

Anyway - I was talking about being obviously queer for the first time. It’s odd because I’m very comfortable talking about being bisexual. I bring it up in conversation easily. I post about it for pride. I talk about it a lot on my podcast. I’ve been comfortable with it since I recognized it - I have a wonderfully supportive family, and accepting that part of myself came easily. Presenting it to the world aesthetically is different - more personal, more vulnerable. Even writing about it here, thinking of you reading this, I feel more shy than I would were we face to face. While I didn’t spend any time reassessing my personality when I realized I’m bi, I’m just now recognizing that I do have internalized biphobia and compulsive heterosexuality I need to work through. I think the difference right now is about presentation, that I’ve never felt like I looked bisexual. Which is silly, right? As much as we talk about gaydar and queer trends (bisexuals cuff their jeans, etc), both within the LGBTQ+ community and out, you can’t actually tell anyone’s sexual orientation from their appearance. Queer people just tend to be more adventurous with their self-expression, perhaps because they’ve spent time at one point or another repressing who they are. Perhaps there’s just a joy in exploring something different, that makes you stand out. I don’t know - that’s true for me, though I’m only just starting to experiment myself, and I’m sure it’s different for everyone. I certainly don’t know if I would experiment with my style in the same way if I was straight, having never been straight.

My style has slid less feminine during this year of lockdown. Part of it is that I’m rarely going anywhere, and when I am, I’m walking a lot, so sneakers are a must. I exercise a lot more now, so often when I leave the house, it’s for a workout in a park and I’m dressed in leggings and a sweatshirt. I’ve gravitated toward looser trousers for the last year and a half or so; after years of skinny jeans, I’m obsessed with how comfortable they are. Now that it’s winter, I’m more focused on being warm and comfy than being fashionable. Also, I sort of feel like any moment an apocalypse movie is going to start and I need to be dressed to live in the woods. This added up into a vibe more butch than I’m used to, but with my hair longer than it had been in years, I didn’t really notice.

And then I chopped all my hair off. Like actually all off. A full pixie cut, shorter than I’ve ever gone.

Leading up to it, I guessed I was going to want to lean more into feminine fashion again to balance the cropped cut. I like being feminine and I’m in no hurry to give it up. I planned to pull out my comfy knit pencil skirts and my heeled ankle boots. I expected to forget about my new habit of dressing like I live in the woods. That hasn’t really happened. I’ve still been dressing for comfort, and my style choices have gravitated more toward sweater vests and flare trousers. Both Harry Styles and Phoebe Waller-Bridge in the “Golden” music video. The other day I caught sight of myself in a window and needed a moment to recognize myself: the combination of loose jeans, sweatshirt, raincoat, sneakers, and short hair just didn’t feel like the me I remembered. I looked at myself and didn’t see the femme, straight passing person I’ve looked like for most of my adult life. Let me be clear - I am by no means saying that looking obviously queer is a bad thing. It’s new to me, but I’m rediscovering myself.  I still saw me - and that’s key, that this haircut has always felt like me - but a different me than I’m used to seeing in the mirror.

I have a lot of affection for this new aesthetically masculine and feminine mix, and the other day, stuck in the house at the beginning of lockdown no.3, I felt the urge to dress up a little. I put on lipstick for the first time since May, pulled out a plunge bodysuit and a pair of one-of-a-kind flare jeans I found in a vintage shop on Brick Lane the other week (looser jeans are a masculine leaning I’m embracing wholeheartedly). I decked out my fingers in rings and pulled out my wire-rimmed blue light glasses (my eyesight is so bad that my actual glasses look like something from the wardrobe of a nerd from a 1980s movie, so I stick with contacts). I snapped this photo, just to see the full effect as I no longer have a full-length mirror, and - bam.

I love how I look. I’m obsessed with my hair, with the bright red lines of the bodysuit (and isn’t me in a bright color shocking enough!). I love the jeans, love that they’re a little too big in the waist and just keep flowing out from there, a feminine line in a masculine fabric. I love the wire rim glasses (even if I do look like my dad in the 80s). I love the muscle I can see in my arms from months of pushups and calisthenics. I love how much space I take up, both physically and just in my presence. I am feminine and masculine. I am impossible to miss. Once, even a year ago, that would’ve been stressful. Now, I feel like shouting from the rooftops. This is me.

It’s gone up on Instagram. It’s my new profile picture on various apps. The only caption has been a peace sign emoji - a joke within the LGBTQ+ community about how bisexual people never know what to do with our hands (“point a camera at a bisexual and see how long it takes them to flash a peace sign or finger guns”). It’s a very different vibe from my last profile photo - almost two years ago I smiled at my friend behind the camera from a flowering yellow bush as I watched my last relationship coming to an end.

I keep coming back to how much it is different. This is a change - not of who I am, but of how I reflect it to the world. Proud and excited as I am, and as much as I want to care only for what I think, the fear of rejection lingers. The fear that my friends’ love isn’t malleable and won’t fit this new me anymore. The yearning for the people I love and admire to be proud of me. And on top of that, I wonder how I am different, how my change in appearance reflects an inner shift. How it necessitates it. I’ve always felt the inner shone through to the outer - now that I’m changing the outer, does that come from a shift I’ve already made or is there one still to make? Do I have to act more queer because I look it? What do I feel I need to prove?

Maybe I’ve spoken so much and so easily about my sexuality because I knew it wasn’t visible. Now it’s far more clear, and I feel both more confident and shy. Who is this woman who wears red and casually takes up space? I know her, have seen her in flashes, but this is the first time she is stepping out so boldly. That’s it: I am bold in a way I haven’t felt before. I know, logically, that I have been (again, I’ve never been known for subtlety), but not so consciously. Not with so much intention behind my choice. Some boldness comes so easily I never think of it, but this - this was like bursting out of water for that first breath of air. Natural, intuitive, but not easy.

All this comes in the middle of a period of great change in my life. I’m moving back to my home country after living in London for almost three years, back to my parents’ house after living alone for a year during this pandemic. I’m reconsidering everything I want to spend the next few years doing, much less the rest of my life. I’m trying to figure out how to fund seeing the world and how to organize running a podcast with guests from everywhere I go. I’m consciously focusing on myself and what I want rather than delaying or sacrificing my goals for anybody else. I’m putting off putting down roots for a bit and relying on the knowledge my family is there to come back to. My future see-saws between the safety of family and the unquestionable boldness of adventure.

There is an apprehension that comes with change, an acknowledgment that I am growing and becoming something new, something that is always myself though I did not know it was there. It is freeing and exhilarating and terrifying, growing. Like jumping off a cliff, I have to squeeze my hands into fists and tighten my core and rely on the knowledge that the water below will catch me, that I will catch me, so that I can enjoy the fleeting moment of flying into something new.

[incarnateirony]

Hey min, I just read your last post and I was wondering you could do one on the meta-narrative hostility (that most of fandom calls queer coding) of pre-dabb era? I’m a young queer who’s new to all this and doesn’t have the same experience or knowledge as older queer people (obviously) when it comes to these things. Only if you want to/and are able to though, it’s something I’d really like to read and educate myself on, thanks :)

Sure! I’ll get on that, I think @curioussubjects and I held a brief discourse over that recently, but I’m sure we could get into it deeper. I may even try to peel @thecoffeebrain-blog out of her fandom ban to talk about it too. Unfortunately it’s like 2something AM right now and I do not have the brain function to write up a whole-assed thesis on it.

But in short (which will probably still be about a page long)? I kind of want to flip a table any time I read “Dean Winchester has always been written as bisexual.” – and like. I even have friends that say that. Friends I adore. And I still want to flip tables. Because. Like. No.

Yes, Dean Winchester was based on a repressed bisexual, Dean Moriarty. The thing is knowing that about Dean Moriarty requires reading the late release manuscript, not the original. In, perhaps, an ironic statement on our current show, the widely spread original version was sanitized of queer content. But if anyone thinks Kripke was, back in S1-5, trying to make some sort of statement about repressed and sanitized queer culture, I really don’t know what to tell them beyond like. No? 

I’d need to go digging – hence not having the time right now – for a full list of early season “bi Dean” moments. A great deal of them are actively homophobic as fuck things, like in Playthings taking a shot at Dean being butch over overcompensating, or whatever else. They used the statements as an insult, something to target, and aggress, and make a joke at a character’s expense – because being gay was immasculating and funny, haha, right?

Others included things like clothing choices, food choices, or other things that like… fandom swore up and down was queer coding and like– again– generally, no? Hopefully I don’t have to explain why in most scenarios those things are problematic.

Like you’ve seen me bang on about the menthols thing for example as queer coding – and yes! It is! Because that’s actually a queer culture thing. And like, ask any gay dude, literally, if he sees another, WHITE dude pull out a pack of menthols he knows who he’s going to try to flirt up tonight. There’s all kinds of reasons that was genuine coding written from a gay man that’s even a recovered smoker to the point his colleagues made light of it. Hell of an introduction, hell of a point, and something actually relevant to the represented demographic’s culture. (this actually does not apply the same to other ethnicities, it literally only applies to white dudes, and I could stat out the very real reasons about it some time, but not in this post)

We gays DO have our own language. As my friend Kris put it, “Whenever I see a woman has a purse I give up, cuz she’s either straight or at least in that ballpark where I’m gonna have to be the husband and hahahaha no.” – unshockingly, I don’t have a purse either. My wife does. I on the other hand am fine with being metaphorical husband role. She’s a femme, I’m not, it tracks.

But someone wearing a certain color, or eating a burrito is not a judge. Someone choking on a sausage for a punch line alongside a taco is– questionable on if even intended but again, guess what, a punch line at the receiving character’s expense.

A great WEALTH of early “bi Dean” moments are like this, even if we remove Destiel. And it’s a MESS. I give some leans of “not offensive but surrounded by enough offensive content in its immediate era that I don’t give it good faith” to moments like Dr Sexy. Sure. Those lay good potential groundwork.

Are there moments where Dean turned and looked at someone in a WAY? Yeah, sure. Was that scripted? Uh, generally no. Let’s face it. Jensen could have chemistry with a decommissioned droid if they were put on screen together.

Now, do those moments, that last section there – give early room for bi Dean being evolved into? Yes. Those moments do. Because evolving with chemistry and story is part of how it works. It’s the other shit we need to flush to the pits of hell, bathe in some glitter and chant some YMCAs to cleanse ourselves from or some shit.

Hell, let’s even look at season 7 with Dean flirting with the guard. Despite bobbing and weaving around most old bi Dean content for being flagrantly offensive when I made my Coming Out video, I kept that one. But even THAT runs a line. Why? Because Sam, later painted as an educated ally, starts laughing at Dean at the sheer idea of Dean doing it. Dean tells him to shut up which blows Charlie’s cover. Is that something actual bi people might have to deal with? Sure. Hence my choice to be willing to include the clip. But it was still. A punchline. At the queer content’s expense.

If you go and re-watch, I’d say, S1-7 and stop trying the “DIG FOR PROOF IN RETROSPECT TO PROVE DEAN HAS ALWAYS BEEN BI” dance, and watch – really, REALLY watch – the way any kind of queer mention was handled. Is. Gross.

By season 8 Carver seemed to be dabbling in it – enough that Phil Sgriccia and Ben Edlund, exec producers, started leaving commentary on the season 8 DVD, such as how Jensen played it, and the potential it created for love in all places, that he and Aaron could have had a life together. Still, Carver had a LOT of shit he was fixing from holding Gamble’s burning bag. And yeah, Gamble queerbaited. She fucked over a demographic, realized the demographic she picked was wrong, tried to bait back that demographic without intent to follow through on it, then was gone. (And hell, go look at The Magicians now and her Dances With Avoiding Calling Her Characters LGBT).

Season 8 was a tipping point. Did Aaron slap down the idea of having a moment with Dean? Sure. But… guess what? It was Dean being offended by not having a moment. Not Dean being offended being accused of having a moment. This is a very subtle tone change.

Watch forward after that. There might have been a few moments. But it wasn’t until S9 they onboarded a new LGBT author. An open one. An activist. And yeah, menthols and “play it like a jilted lover” showrunner directions began. It’s like looking back, they had the idea and realized what was taking shape, but didn’t know what to do with it. And Bobo was still the new kid on block that year. That was the same year they almost made Metatron’s heaven for Castiel be covered in naked Dean pictures. Some people lament the loss of that. I do not. Because guess what. That made it a joke again. A shot at Castiel’s expense, if one more personal than the old shots. It was painted for absurdity, not authenticity. But, unlike prior eras… they had the sense to change that and paint the absurdity in other ways with dangly cheap hearts and other silliness.

Good.

As you look forward, from there, the question is after season 9– when was the last “LOL GAAAAAAAAAAAAY” joke you heard? When was the last time you heard it be framed in such a way that the audience was designated to laugh at the arrangement? Was Colette… framed as funny when Bobo wrote it? Was the heart connection… written as funny? Were the hunter husbands… written as a punch line or joke?

Sure, Lily Sunder had some funny bits, bit it’s not Funny Cuz It’s Gay, it’s funny and gay, and this is an important distinction. If that were a het couple bickering in the car that episode, we’d laugh all the same. This, also, written by a queer activist. Was the mixtape funny? No. In fact, if we’re to take, say, modern Dean and Cas as the central manifestation of the bi Dean narrative all these years later, their funny moments aren’t funny because of their gender. Their funny moments are funny because of who they are, like any given couple on TV, not in expense to their sexuality.

Even “attached at the everything” is more a fandom problem. There was no cue for that to be a laugh track. There was no recoil, no denial, no flinch, no nothing. It was just a barb of a demon in the know of the nature and depth of their bond needling where it hurt like any other relationship. It’s the fandom that chose to put a laugh track on it.

Beyond this though, I’d need to take the time to go and pick through the different individual moments and break them down and really pick apart WHY they were problematic in the old days. Hopefully this summary is a nice start.

[hellomynameisbisexual]

A Letter for Parents from a Parent

Dear Parent,

If you are reading this you are most likely trying to be a good parent in an extremely confusing situation and are probably getting lots of conflicting information. You are doing the right thing and can get through this.

I am not an “expert.” I am a father of five and a private music and martial arts teacher who deals with many kids. I grew up in a family with several bisexual individuals and I’ve dealt with these issues directly and indirectly all of my life.

Take a deep breath. Read slowly. You may need to read a little bit at a time and walk away to think. You may be reading this because you suspect, or have discovered, that your child is bisexual, or because your child or someone else has told you so. (Do not assume anything about your loved one based on someone else.) If your child has spoken to you, be understanding and provide a safe, accepting atmosphere. If your child has not, create an atmosphere in which he or she can do so when ready.

By bisexuality, I simply mean the physical and/or emotional attraction to both males and females. Most people who identify as bisexual consider it an independent sexual orientation, not a subset of other more widely-recognized categories. Don’t think of bisexuality as a little bit gay (homosexual) and a little bit straight (heterosexual) but as its own orientation with its own characteristics. People often ask why anyone would choose to be gay or bi (shorthand for bisexual). Most people do not feel that their sexual orientation is a choice; you probably don’t. Our best course of action is to respect the identity of our family and friends, assuming nothing.

I have no clue how many people experience bisexuality or identify as bisexuals. From what I’ve read experts don’t know either; estimates range from only a few to a whole lot of people. The fact is that scientists define bisexuality in many ways. Until they can agree on a definition, these studies are just good ways to spend grant money.

Some bi people are out and open about their sexuality, but many are in the closet (hiding their sexuality), mainly for fear of familial, spiritual and social rejection. Imagine how hard that must be. A bi person—especially a young one—often feels alone, but as a parent, you can help your child find safe ways to discover that he or she is not.

Some bi folks have an almost balanced attraction to the genders, while others prefer one gender and are only occasionally attracted to the other, or have a shifting preference. Some people shift their sexual identity and may have long periods where they identify as straight, bi, or gay. Other people drop labels altogether.

What you have done as a parent has not made your child bisexual, but what you do as a parent can contribute to how comfortable and healthy your child is. There isn’t a cure since it isn’t a disorder, but some people will assure you that it can be cured or is just a phase. That phase thing is confusing, because some people have felt some bisexual tendencies and then gone on to assume a completely homo- or heterosexual identity. This doesn’t mean that everyone who experiences bisexual feelings will. It only means some people experience bisexual feelings that they may or may never act on and identify as gay or straight. Other people live a perfectly happy life identifying as bisexual with feelings that they may or may never act on. Many bisexual men and women have happy monogamous relationships, while some bi people prefer more alternative relationship styles. There are no rules in this area, so I can’t tell you what to expect.

You may have some phases of your own. People finding out that their child is bisexual have been known to experience anger, disbelief, denial, grief – and pretty much every other unpleasant emotion – and some pleasant ones. I can’t tell you what you are feeling, will feel, or should feel. If at any time you or your child are uncomfortable with what you feel, talk to a friend or a professional. There are also support groups.

It may help a lot to talk to your child, who will know more about their feelings than all of the websites, books, and experts out there. You could even help each other through your mutual concerns. If you don’t know how your child feels, tell them so and ask. You may want to consider sharing with your child any bisexual feelings or experiences that you may have had.

As far as letting others—even another parent—know, your child should decide who will know and when, even if it puts you in an awkward situation. Ultimately each person must decide how out he or she wants to be and as loved ones we should respect that. Some people are out in a very “we’re here, we’re queer” way (queer has been adopted by many people with non-mainstream sexual or gender identities) and wear the t-shirt, while others are less expressive.

Sexuality differences also make for social safety issues. Like it or not, kids experiment, so you might consider ensuring that your child has a safe place to bring a date even if you have to stretch your own comfort level. Nobody wants a late night call from an angry parent who just found your child making out with theirs. Trust me: It is far worse when the children are the same sex and this was the first inkling that the other parent had. When straight kids are caught making out in the back seat of a car or in an empty gym, cops, teachers and security guards handle it with one approach; but when those kids are of the same sex, hurtful things are often said or done—sometimes even dangerous things. An ounce of prevention can save a lot of embarrassment and harm.

The scariest thing for me is the suicide rate among gay and bisexual young people. I watched one of my children die at birth and I will do anything to never see that happen again. If that means that I have to get over any of my own issues I will, and I have. Suicide is preventable. Be there for your kid even if you are confused. Don’t be silent because you are afraid that you might say the wrong thing. Bisexuals, especially young bisexual men from the age of fifteen to twenty-five years of age, take their own lives at an alarming rate. Don’t let it happen in your family.

As you look around, you may notice that bisexuality is not very visible in our culture. Given how many experience bisexuality or bisexual feelings at some time, you would expect more. But as a culture, we tend to think in terms of a hetero- and homosexual duality; bisexuality just doesn’t come up and isn’t considered in legal, educational, social and health areas. Some groups have also had specific political agendas to exclude bisexuals and have made an effort to institutionalize biphobia (fear of bisexuals) within our culture. This context has a lot to do with a person’s choice to be out about their bisexuality or to stay in the closet, which makes it rude and even harmful to “out” someone (inappropriately inform others about someone else’s sexual identity).

Another common misconception about bisexuals or any LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi, and transgender) individuals is the issue of promiscuity. Just because your child has a non-straight sexuality or gender identity does not make him or her any more promiscuous than straight kids. And yes, your son or daughter may know his or her sexual orientation and still be a virgin. Your child’s sexual orientation doesn’t matter: You need to talk to him or her about safer sex. If you haven’t, you should be researching that and talking to your child.

You may also be wondering about gender roles and gender identity. Simply put, “Is my son going to start acting like a girl?” “Is my daughter going to start acting like a boy? What should I do?” Do nothing yet, because you may be confused. Gender identity is how a person identifies their own gender and leads to what gender role they fill through behavior. Most bi people maintain their birth gender identity and the accompanying social gender role. People who are shifting their gender identity away from their birth gender and behaving according to the social roles of the non-birth gender are transgender; this is not linked to homo- or bisexuality. A transperson may be bi, gay or straight. But as a good parent, you may want to explain this detail to your child, because he or she might think there is a certain way they’re supposed to act, such as queeny (stereotypical Hollywood character idea of effeminate gay), butch (stereotypical masculine dyke image) or even androgynous (displaying gender role elements from both masculine and feminine social images—the classic rock star stereotype). Your child is allowed to be as feminine or masculine as he or she feels. And those feelings may change with time.

Bisexuality as an identity was identified by name in the 1800s, though we know that it has been around since Sappho and Alexander the Great. In the last few decades it has strengthened socially. There was an unfortunate time when there was tension between bisexuals and the gay and lesbian community. You will run across remnants, but those wounds continue to heal. In recent years, there has been a lot of growth toward community. There are now organizations, such as PFLAG, to help bisexuals and their families.

By reading this you are doing what every parent of every GLBT child should be doing: learning and trying. As long as you are willing to keep learning and trying, you will ultimately get it right. You will make mistakes, but you can fix them. Love your child, not your bisexual child. Love your child who is a person who feels and loves and hates and hurts and dreams and wonders, and who happens to be bisexual.

Sincerely,

Robert L. Barton

[artificialqueens]

Different Names For the Same Thing (Trixya) - Chapter 3 - Pilandok

Trixie is in the middle of an emotional crisis and Katya doubles down on the idea that making-out solves everything.

AN: Category is: inconsistent chapter lengths and jumping from a G rating to an M.

Read chapter in AO3. Read from chapter one.

            Trixie needs T-Rex to stop looking at her like that. He doesn’t really understand why T-Rex insists on acting the part of a concerned mother when he knows they both have the same crass humor and prefer the midwestern brand of pick-me-ups— which is honestly more about the booze than the consolation.

            “Save it for the kicked puppy down the street, T,” Trixie deadpans. Diversions like that only work when it’s entertained and T-Rex pointedly does not stop looking at Trixie like he’s the most pitiable thing in the universe. Trixie gives up and slumps down his chair, lifting his cap to fix the non-existent hair on his scalp out of habit. T-Rex doesn’t even look like he’s going to make a joke about it. Trixie sighs.

            “Kim told you, didn’t she?”

            “You know it, girl,” T-Rex answers, finally breaking eye contact to grab his drink and take a sip. Then a little quieter,  “Shea probably knows, too.”

            “Shit,” Trixie puts her forehead on the table. The opening riff of a Dusty Springfield song echoes in the near-empty bar. Son Of a Preacher Man. Jesus Christ. He could just imagine how pathetic he looks like right now.

            “Frankly, I’m a little offended.”

            “Maybe if you visited me more often…” Trixie says onto the table.

            “Bitch, don’t even start,” T-Rex tells him, “am I not sitting in this straight bar with you right now?”

            Trixie looks up and shoots an apologetic look to T-Rex. It’s easier now that he’s not being treated so precariously.

            “Thank you,” he says, too genuinely that T-Rex looks a little disgusted as if he, himself, hasn’t been a sap all night. Trixie scream-laughs at this reaction and the people around them look.

            “Looks like our cover is blown, they know that there’s a couple of queers in this place,” T-Rex mock whispers at him, “Which is a waste cause I butched up. I wore a denim jacket.”

            “Shut up,” Trixie laughs, “I like it here! The bartender knows me.”

            “Yeah, you and your hillbilly music.”

            “She’s a queer icon!”

            The song swells into its chorus, the only one who could ever reach me, was the son of a preacher man. Trixie scrunches his face like he’s in physical pain.

            “Kim didn’t need to tell me, anyway, everyone saw that picture of you and Katya messing up each other’s faces.”

            Oh. That fucking picture. It’s the blurriest picture someone could take from across the street but it’s undeniably him. He’s always dreamed of being recognized along Hollywood Boulevard and there it is: the make-up is unmistakably Trixie Mattel and she got caught in a reddit-level scandal. And what other drag queen of that build and hair color would make out with him in public if not Katya? Trixie doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that everyone just assumed it was Katya.

            Anyway, why does the universe always have to go out of its way to Aesop’s Fables his life? How many roundabout ways can they tell him that the moral of the story is be careful what you wish for?

            “T, I don’t know what to fucking do.”

            T-Rex looks at him, gaze softened. He reaches out to squeeze Trixie’s hand once.

            “It’s okay—“ he begins but cuts himself off, “actually, I don’t know if it’s okay. I have no idea how Katya thinks. He’s great, really, I just— I just know how you are when you fall in love. I don’t want to see you get hurt again. And he’s done it before.”

            “Don’t,” Trixie says as a warning.

            “I know. I know what happened. You forgave him so I don’t really have a right to say anything. But Trix, if you’re not going to let yourself be worried about that, let me be worried. I’ll hold that little grudge for you.”

            Trixie takes a moment, feelings of affection bubble in his chest. It’s probably the alcohol in his system but he begins to wonder if there’s an alternate universe in which he moved to Chicago after Drag Race instead of L. A. He could go to Roscoe’s and Berlin regularly to watch T-Rex host and hype him up and get drunk with him back stage. Maybe he wouldn’t be as busy as he is now and he would have more nights with Shea and Kim and all the girls that accepted him ten years ago.

            “T…” Trixie begins, her voice cracking.

            “Don’t cry, bitch,” T-Rex puts his hands up and Trixie can see the flush on his cheeks and hear the light slurring of his words, “cause I’m tipsy enough to cry and they’re gonna see that we’re sissies and they will beat us up, I swear.”

            “Ahh! Stop acting like this bar is Westboro Baptist!”

            Trixie is laughing loudly, too emotional to care when a couple of tears slide down his face. He appreciates T-Rex, really, although it begins to dawn on him that something doesn’t add up.

            “What exactly did Kim tell you?” Trixie asks after running the back of his hand across his eyes.

            “That you were fulfilling your fan-manifested destiny and slowly realizing that you were in love with Katya,” T-Rex shrugs. At Trixie’s lack of response, he squints his eyes, “Why? Is there anything else?”

            It’s a half-truth, Trixie thinks. Maybe Kim deserves more credit than they usually give him. The bitch knew what really needed to be kept a secret. Besides, Kim telling their friends is probably as much of a push on Trixie’s back that Kim will ever give him, since he’s always been too stubborn to ask for help. Trixie supposes that “being in love” is a way to summarize it, albeit misleading.

            “There’s a ghost haunting me,” Trixie admits.

            “What?”

            “And I think that he’s haunting Katya, too,” Trixie stares at a space just above T-Rex’ head, “He’s been freaking out and kissing me so much suddenly.”

            “Wait- wait- what?”

            “I don’t know, I think he knows. I think he does, I think it’s starting to manifest onto him and I guess being someone’s reincarnation can drive someone a little crazy.” Hearing himself say it out loud, Trixie recognizes the absurdity of the situation. He begins to suspect that maybe Kim just didn’t believe him after all. “I don’t know if Kim is being a good friend or a bad one.”

            T-Rex, still confused, looks like he’s about to give up on the night. He taps his bottle against Trixie’s, the clink is loud against the song fading to the end. The only one who can ever prove me was the son of a preacher man.

            “What else is new?” T-Rex scoffs, “That’s why I should have been your first call.”

            Katya knows he’s being greedy. He knows that’s it’s just selfishness when his hands wrap around the back of Trixie’s neck so he can pull him down harshly for a kiss. He knows that he’s acting spoiled when he scratches on Trixie’s nape so he can feel him gasp against his mouth, so Katya can slide his tongue between Trixie’s lips. Katya’s always been susceptible to indulgences— no need to hold back when the world is unstoppably racing to it’s tragic finish—and indulge he does because Trixie’s so hot when he has that hazy look in his half-lidded eyes and when and Katya can feel Trixie’s low moan vibrate throughout his body when he kisses him on his throat. He’s only fucking human.

            Really, Trixie should be the one with the self-control about this. As much as Katya feels sorry for burdening the boy with the mental labor, Trixie is the one who picked that role for himself when he decided to be the straight man to Katya’s performative sexual advances.

            An hour ago he invited Trixie over to “hang-out” and the pregnant pause that followed told Katya that Trixie knew exactly what he wanted. Katya waited on the rejection but the only thing he heard was “yeah, okay.” The phone call equivalent of a shrug. Katya feels like a kid being given free reign of the Chocolate Factory.

            What business does Trixie have indulging him in his whims? Katya should really be filing a complaint; this is not the relationship dynamic he signed up for. But then he hears Trixie whimper when he bites his lips and Katya can’t help but think, praise Willy fucking Wonka.

            Katya drags Trixie across the room by the lapels of his shirt. Walking backwards, he’s relying on his muscle memory of the general location of his wares so he won’t trip on a coffee table on the way to the couch. Trixie grunts, complaining wordlessly, but he moves along obediently. When Katya’s calves feel cushions, he spins them both around and pushes Trixie onto the couch and he lands with a huff. Trixie frowns at him, but Katya immediately climbs on top of him, knees on either side of Trixie’s thighs, and smashes their lips together again. He feels Trixie freeze, and whenever he does, Katya thinks Trixie is finally going to push him away and ask questions. He never does. Soon enough, Trixie’s back on the same page, and Katya feels Trixie’s fingers curl around his belt loops.

            Katya is stupidly hard against his briefs, the kind of achingly hard erection that he thinks is impressive for his age. Trixie is, too, probably, but they never go further than this. Katya is sure that that would be too far for Trixie— he doesn’t want to think of what it means if it wasn’t.

            Still, like a true hedonist, he double downs on his kisses. He knows he can make-out for hours, he loves it. Katya wants Trixie sweating under him, he wants his tongue sliding in between Trixie’s lips to press on the roof of his mouth and feel the canines of his teeth. He needs Trixie to swallow all of those questions he won’t ask. Katya knows he’s being greedy.

            In the pause of catching their breath, Katya is resting his head on Trixie’s shoulder, pressing lazy kisses on Trixie’s collar bone.

            “Brian,” Trixie whispers. Katya’s body goes rigid, he can feel his heart beat in his ears. “My jaw hurts. Can we take a break?”

            “Oh,” Katya makes a move to get off Trixie and when he plops down on to the space beside him, he begins to feel the strain on his thighs. He watches Trixie walk to the kitchen, picking up the electric kettle on his way to the sink. Katya can feel the sweat run down from his forehead. He ponders on turning up the AC but he decides against getting up. Trixie already has an unopened box of tea from the cupboard and Katya notes how effectively Trixie navigates his space— he’s pretty sure the tea is something Trixie gifted him from before. When the water boils, Trixie pours it in the mug with the bag he place inside. He waits a few seconds before turning around to face Katya.

            Katya is immediately reminded why he doesn’t like this much distance between them. It’s because Trixie looks at him like that. Like he’s looking for something in Katya, something that’s impossible for him to give. Katya hates it when Trixie has that gaze that doesn’t seem to see him but something beyond him. Something in him that deserves all the tenderness from Trixie that he never worked to earn. It’s because Trixie looks at him like that that Katya kisses him roughly, can’t help but dig his nails into Trixie’s biceps and bite hard at his earlobe. The harsher he treats Trixie, the more that Katya feels like Trixie is really looking at him. The more Trixie bites back, the further away they get from the gentle, school-boy kisses in his dreams. Katya needs this to be realer than the dreams.

            But somehow, after everything, Trixie can still afford to look at him like that.

            “Why are you letting me do this to you?” Katya asks suddenly. The distaste sits on his mouth. Still, it throws Trixie off like he wanted to and the affectionate gaze turns into a scowl.

            “Don’t be a cunt,” Trixie replies curtly.

            Katya deserves it, he’s not the one who should be asking questions. Not when he hasn’t answered any of Trixie’s unspoken ones. He sits up properly and his right leg starts to bounce as soon as his feet hit the floor. He should let it go, just enjoy what he’s getting, enjoy that Trixie hasn’t been demanding anything from him. But Katya sees the angry bruise forming on Trixie’s neck from when he sucked on it so much, he sees the slight swell on Trixie’s lips.

            “I’ve been dreaming about you, you know,” Katya breathes, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

            Trixie tries to hide his reaction by sipping on his tea but Katya sees the whirlwind forming in his eyes.

            “Tell me about them, Brian.”

            And Katya should tell him. Tell him about the dreams where he wasn’t himself but Trixie was Trixie and he was looking at not-Katya and kissed him so tenderly. In those dreams he was a different boy and made promises he swore he could keep and counted the bruises on Trixie’s skin. In that other life, Trixie would fiddle with the rosary around his neck while he’s telling Trixie he would never hurt him.

            Katya doesn’t understand it, but he knows that that’s what Trixie has been looking from him, in those longing looks. He feels like if he gives it to Trixie, Trixie will never look at him again. Trixie would only see the stupid illusion of a boy that his brain pretends to be when he’s asleep.

            “Brian, tell me about the dreams,” Trixie asks of him again, his voice cracking, “please.”

            “I was a painter in Vienna at the turn of the 20th century. I first saw you from my balcony window and called for you to come up. I kiss you and every night you would climb my window so I can kiss you some more. I never ask you about your job or your family or the sheet music you dropped that had the name Екатерина crossed out on top,” Katya says this in a rush and he can see Trixie slowly deflate, his lips pressing into a thin, hard line. It’s a lie, he thinks, and Trixie recognizes the lie. “Every time I see you, I paint a little bit of you. My canvas is starting to look like a grotesque monster.”

            After a beat, Trixie sets his cup down loudly on the counter. He marches over to the couch and Katya wonders if he’s finally crossed the line, if he’s pushed Trixie over the edge and he’s going to lose Trixie forever. He thinks that Trixie is going to slap him. Instead, Trixie grabs two fistfuls of his shirt and pulls him up to a rough kiss. Their teeth clack painfully but Trixie doesn’t stop, keeping Katya suspended, half-sitting. The hands are holding onto him so tightly that he starts to feel lightheaded. Trixie’s never been this rough with him. And he hates pain, but if Trixie manhandles him, he doesn’t mind, especially not when he can practically feel his dick pulsating in his pants.

            Trixie shove him back to the couch, the impact knocking the wind out of him. Before he can catch his breath, he’s already being straddled, Trixie grinding roughly against his concealed boner. Katya groans and grabs Trixie’s ass, pressing them down against him as he bucks his hips upward. Katya feels fingers dig at his shoulders.

            When he looks up he sees Trixie glowering over him, hot angry tears sliding down his face. Katya stops. His hands reach up to touch Trixie jawline, he feels the moisture on his thumb. He makes a move to wipe them, he wants to.

            “Trix, let me fuck you,” he tells Trixie instead.

            Trixie throws his head back to laugh a humorless laugh.

            “You’re a fucking psychopath,” Trixie says before reaching down and sliding his hand inside Katya’s pants, cupping his erection over his underwear. Katya’s breath hitches. Trixie leans forward until his lips touch Katya’s earlobe. “If we’re going to have sex, I’ll be the one fucking you.”

            With that, Trixie promptly gets up, collect his things on the coffee table, and walks out the door without looking back. The door frame shakes at the impact of it being slammed shut.

            It takes a minute for Katya’s brain to catch up with him. He finds himself alone in his living room, slumped on a couch, panting. His hard dick is struggling against his clothes, calling for his attention. But Katya doesn’t dare touch it.

[gunkyengines]

4, 7, and 9, for the s/i questions if you're still taking them!

Ohhhh my gods @jetsetspy I’m so sorry for answering this question so late ;-; My answers are under the cut!

4. Does your insert have a backstory? Tell us about it! How does their backstory, if any, define who they are? How does it reflect their relationships now? Their hopes and dreams?

Bellamy Amplexus – Final Fantasy XV SI

Bellamy doesn’t have much of a backstory just yet, but I do know this:

·         Their family isn’t a huge part of their life, aside from a younger sibling, who, to this day, I have not yet named.

·         They want a sense of belonging somewhere, and have a number of self-image complications (it’s not really a set of “issues” to them, because they’ve found comfort in their body and self over time, but they still have wishes about what they could be seen as—androgyny is a tough line to straddle).

·         They hate the nickname “Bella”.

·         Bells, as far as I’m concerned right now, finds their sense of belonging amongst the ‘Bros ever since they just sorta started… tagging along, I guess? It was just an act of good will from the prince and his guards and a bit of hitchhiking on Bells’ end that got them where they are now.

·         They were originally a bit of a vagabond prior to meeting up with the guys. Hitchhiking, walking absurdly long distances, camping out often, all that jazz.

Junko Hisayo – Persona 5 SI

Junko is a character who I largely based off of my late-high school self for both self insertion and coping reasons, but a few things do set her apart from me. As in, she’s a pretty close approximation, but by no means is she a direct, direct copy of me.

She’s a student at Kosei Academy, simply due to the fact that I read on the wiki that it’s speculated to be a catholic school (I was brought up in the catholic education system, so, I could find some accuracy and likeness in that), and attended meetings at both the drama and art club there. She has bitter memories of the two clubs, as she was betrayed by the one major figure in both: her childhood friend Hideo Sunjaya. Since then, she’s taken to expressing her creative outlets in circles outside of her student life, and finds her passion in writing. At the time of Persona 5 canon, she’s set on becoming an editor. In the future canon, she does in fact achieve this goal. In this way Junko’s less of a model of who I was, and instead she’s what I hope to be.

She comes from a somewhat broken home, but has a strong relationship with her mother. Despite her current disconnect, Junko feels that she owes it to her parents that she has such a good understanding of her own identity, as they were supportive when she first came out as sapphic, and continued their support when she decided to be GNC and soon after came into her identity as a demigirl.

Elizabeth Beaufort – Red Dead Redemption 2 SI

Lizzie is a pretty lighthearted simulacrum of a more feminine version of me, translated loosely into the scope of the year 1899. I’m by no means a historian, but here’s Lizzie’s life.

Elizabeth Beaufort is a born and raised resident of the town of Valentine. Her mother is whatever the RDR2 universe’s equivalent of Quebecois French is, having moved to Saint Denis due to a family matter down there, and subsequently met her father. A Valentine resident himself, he beguiled her mother and convinced her to move to Valentine and live as the wife of a livestock owner (he comes from some blue blood ‘round those parts—as mentioned by the VDL in Chapter 2, the town is a goldmine of trade).

As a lady of relative privilege, life was… well, it was what a privileged life is. Sheltered, simple, and for the most part pretty damned easy. However, her naivete wasn’t something that her mother would stand to see Elizabeth keep, as she wanted a strong daughter who wouldn’t simply bend to the hand of tradition. Would I say that Lizzie would’ve most certainly rallied with those girls in Rhodes? YES. I’d rather die than portray any iteration of myself as complacent rather than progressive lmao. Elizabeth Beaufort flows in the vein of RDR2’s… I guess, progressive* writing? More** on that below, I guess???

*I don’t actually know how well it was received by everyone else, and honestly, I’m not even gonna try to speak on anyone else’s behalf but my own—I found that RDR2, despite some shortcomings, made itself a relatively hospitable environment for me as a white queer.

** Lizzie does struggle a lot with her internalized homophobia? Like… she had a lot of difficulty when she was younger coming to terms with the fact that she’s bisexual. This is less prevalent in her backstory considering it only ever surfaces post-canon. Yes, my SI and her FO came out to each other at random after being married to him for approximately 3 months. And it went fuckin’ great cos guess what!! Theyre both bi!! WLW/MLM solidarity!!! Don’t @ me.

Gillian Wright – Red Dead Redemption 2 SI

·         Gilley was brought up amongst a gang of outlaws, and her being born a woman changed nothing about the things she was taught by said gunslingers. She left the group she once called family because of the leadership turning sour. From that point forward she went it alone, shifting in and out of her identity as Gilley Wright and her masculine persona (a pseudonym-turned-identity) Giles Kingsley, to keep herself straddling notoriety and anonymity.

·         Gilley only started wearing her hair short because of an encounter in which her longer hair was used as a means to pull her back into harm’s way. She lopped it off shortly after out of the feeling that it was a necessity, but soon found that she preferred it that way.

·         Thaddeus, her large draft horse, once pulled carts. She took him during a robbery so that she’d have an adequate mount for her getaway. The connection was instant between them.

Taeko Atou – Tokyo Ghoul OC

Taeko went by another name before her time in the 20th ward. She had another face, another life. But that was a self she had to leave far, far behind. Before “Taeko”, she was a reckless twentysomething ghoul living off of her father’s money, basking in the upper echelons of society, indulging in Scrapper shows and seeing humanity as nothing but an unprepared buffet. The danger ranking on her CCG profile demonstrated as much.

One night, however, her cushy life changed drastically. She went out drinking after a Scrapper show with one of her friends and decided to go hunting with her. Things were as usual, they stayed in their territory, but ended up getting apprehended by a group of Doves. During the getaway, her and her friend were separated, and she had no way of knowing whether her friend was alive. Drunk, desperate, and rather terrified, she decided to abandon all else and ripped her mask off to taunt the officers. They deserved to see her face, covered in gore and as ghoulish as they came! Nothing mattered to her at that point and she wanted to give them a scare…!

That is, until the next morning, when she recovered from her hangover and realized what she’d done. One of those Doves got a picture of her. In a panic, she called her father to ask for some sort of mercy money to clear the issue up. He’s frustrated with her constantly getting into increasingly worse trouble and tells her this: he’s going to pay for her to completely change her identity and her face so that she can move elsewhere, completely out of the way of harm. After that, he’d be cutting her off, leaving her with only the savings that she had prior to the cut-off. No more handouts.

This is when she became Taeko Atou, a pseudonym based off of her Scrapper show guest alias, “Miss AT”, and moved to the 20th ward. She has to adjust to average life a la Schitt’s Creek or Arrested Development.

7. What kind of clothing style do they like? What would they never be caught dead wearing? What’s likely in their closet right now?

Bellamy Amplexus – Final Fantasy XV SI

·         Bells LOVES anything that’ll make them look cute and androgynous. They’re super partial to a femme prince aesthetic. Blouses and linens and vests and suspenders and a bunch of that cute shit. (Yes, this is my preferred fashion style and I wish I could look like that all the time.) They’re also into stuff like your average sundresses and such when it’s too hot for “princey” attire because hell yeah.

·         They’d hate to wear… hm… short party dresses? Cocktail dresses n shit. (No shade to those tho theyre cute. Just not Bellamy’s style.)

Junko Hisayo – Persona 5 SI

·         Junko’s super masc and butch in her presentation, binds her chest, does the simple graphic tee + jeans thing a lot. Think “Kanji Tatsumi but a lesbian”.

·         She lowkey doesn’t like wearing overly feminine clothes, like, she does not vibe with dresses.

Elizabeth Beaufort – Red Dead Redemption 2 SI

·         Lizzie is pretty standard when it comes to clothes: blouses and skirts, dresses, all just… really basic stuff. She likes simple and solid colours, maybe simple patterns. She’s also like… very cottagecore. Probably likes overalls if she ever wears ‘em?? I’m not a frickin’ historian and I’m not gonna google early 1900s clothes styles at this hour don’t @ me.

·         This is literally just because I’m basic as all fuck and I like a skirt/blouse or sundress style outfit. I don’t wear it often but that’s my jazz y’know?

Gillian Wright – Red Dead Redemption 2 SI

·         Gilley’s another one of my more boyish characters. She doesn’t deliberately go out of her way to look like a man unless she’s under the guise of her male persona Giles Kingsley. But let me tell you—she goes all out for those occasions, even electing to simulate stubble on her face with cosmetics. Think “cowboy drag king” and you’ll hit the mark.

·         Other than that, she just wears whatever’s convenient and comfortable.

 9. Their favorite foods? Colors? Activities? What do they enjoy in life? How do they express their joy for things they like?

As dumb as this sounds I completely burnt out after writing only 2 self insert likes/interests profiles, forgive me lol.

Bellamy Amplexus – Final Fantasy XV SI

·         Favourite Food: Bells is indecisive, but they will gladly eat anything Ignis puts in front of them. They’re thoroughly convinced he uses magic in his cooking. (They’re only half joking about that—it’s so good!) If they were made to decide a top three, it’d likely be Garden Curry, Broiled King on a Stick, and Moogle Mousse with Kupoberry Sauce. Honorable mention being Gyashi Chips (yes, they like what’s effectively Eosian kale chips).

·         Favourite Colours: ANYTHING PASTEL will win Bellamy over, along with any colour considered light and airy. White, silver, pale green, soft gold, baby blue, lavender, and also whatever the sky has going on at any given time of the day—they’re an aesthetic little shit.

·         Favourite Activities: Travelling, leisure shopping when funds allow it (if given the means, Bellamy will 100% engage in excessive retail therapy, no joke), swimming, loving their friends, talking about books and music, gardening, and (I know this sounds vain but bear with me) preening. Yes, they’d be a vlogger in another life. Don’t @ me

·         Bells loves to talk in excess about what they like, and on occasion, when words fail, they tend to express it through squealing, jumping, etc. If someone points out how passionate Bells is about these things, they’ll end up flustered and ask the person if they could continue. I guess you could say Bellamy stims? I’m not diagnosed with anything, so take this with a grain of salt, but I do have stimming habits.

Junko Hisayo – Persona 5 SI

·         Favourite Food: Junko’s pretty partial to miso soup. It’s one of her weaknesses. Total comfort food. (Bro I fuckin’ love miso soup.) As well as baked goods like cupcakes.

·         Favourite Colours: Red, black, silver, pink, blue, purple.

·         Favourite Activities: drawing (sketches, scribbles, doodles, colouring, etc., singing, baking/cooking, writing, and she learned to love gardening after getting close to Haru.

·         Junko tends to show her happiness through verbal and artistic expression, she’s also the type that tends to crack jokes (mostly shitty puns followed up by finger guns).

Again, thank you so much for asking, thank you so much for asking! QwQ Asks are still open, everyone.

[halfemptygirlrps-archive]

Feelings about the most recent episode of Siren and the SS Polymarine update:

So I am late on this but I had a lot of feelings to articulate and sort through. These posts are not important to anyone but me but they make me feel good so I will keep making them.

Maddie. 

SIGH. I know Fola has no say in the writers room but she’s really feeling more and more ooc. It’s not about not listening to Ben it’s about not thinking about the secret she is meant to protect. Even Xander has risked a lot to keep it safe and for Maddie to bring Robb to the warehouse was really careless. People are gonna be like HOBOY MORE MADDIE HATE I BET SHE’S A RYN/BEN SHIPPER and not that I need to justify myself to anyone but I care so much because since episode one Maddie and her amazing smile that makes my heart explode and her melodious laugh has been my favorite character and they opened up more of her personality and history in season two only to kinda undo it now. You wanna see a new guy? Fine, explore even though it breaks my effing heart and my ship but dont trust him so easily. Also a few episodes you said you still love Ben and Ryn but now you’re acting like she’s just your friend which I hate cause those idiots who have been saying they’re like sisters are getting what they want now. I hate seeing just Ben and Ryn together and it’s like... I know you kissed her on the lips but are we going to see Ryn spending the night with just you at your place any time soon or are they really legit phasing you out? They’ve always given Ryn equal time with Maddie but now it’s like they hired the writers from Supergirl and much like Kara “forgot” she told James she loved him and fought for him so hard and was like lol we’re better as friends and I wanna date a white slave owner they’re making Maddie act really strange considering she outed them as in love. I also don’t like that she’s yet to tell Robb that she kinda has a gf which is unfair to him. Even if I dont care about him it’s just the rules of being poly to disclose that. It’s not “private information”if you’re getting involved with someone because that this point they’re dating and she knows he likes her and is setting up shop to be closer to her so she owes it to him to say something about Ryn unless she really is ending with Ryn too and only being her friend which again MAKES ME SO ANGRY. I said it from the beginning that Ben didn’t need to have a gf if the goal was Ryn , and they also didn’t need to do a while season about them being in love and making people get attached and feel seen and heard only to rip it away from us. I wish they wouldn’t be so cheap about drama like this but I hope the three of them find their way back to each other as a unit and not whatever the hell they are now because it was the core of the show.

Ben. 

Boo if you can’t see that you have a problem idk what. He’s acting like a straight up junkie and people are like noooo but you clearly haven’t seen junkies in movies cause this is it. Shoot up mermaid cells and running tests on yourself alone? Are you insane? You don’t know the side effects and you already experimented on your own mother and yet none of this is setting off any alarms. We already see that Ben has obsessive tendencies and rather than seek help he’s doing whatever to himself instead of trying to focus on Ryn and Maddie and his father about to start a massacre. I get that he’s a scientist but there’s a time and a way for that and he should no better. Maddie’s been helping Ryn 10 times more lately while he’s turning himself into the merman Mr. Hyde and he’s the one getting all of Ryn to himself while side eyeing Maddie when he should be trying to help them deal with this crisis called Tiamat and not trying to become a hybrid. I’m just so over him at this point and it’s just like in season 2 where he jumped to try to save Ryn in the tank while she fought Katrina. She’s a powerful creature who doesn’t need you to save her like she’s a dainty princess, she needs you to be a rock and emotional support which you cannot do sitting in a bathtub. Everything that the people in your life need you to be, you aren’t being. You aren’t helping your mom like you think you are, you aren’t helping your dad cope and understand and not become a murderer, you aren’t helping Maddie understand why you did what you did and you aren’t helping Ryn by taking the corpse of her family and treating it like an animal the way Kyle did. Just because you didn’t know *that one* doesn’t mean it’s okay. It wasn’t okay for Donna and if Ryn died and the military excavated her body to run tests and used the “well, wel didn’t know her personally and it’s for science” excuse you’re using would you go “oh damn you right “? No you’d lose what little of your mind you had left. Boy if you don’t get your shit together...

Xander. 

Ugh I hated him the first 2 seasons and he’s redeeming himself. I get that he was upset his dad died and had every right to be but to come back from that and not only forgive and befriend Levi but help the mermaids and lie for them and cover up bodies? He’s a better man than Ben is right now. I also love(d) that he made a new lady friend and didn’t pounce on her like a douche. Honestly for a moment I thought “damn a new love interest already?” even though my gaydar was like WEEWOO WEEWOO THERE’S ONE WE GOT ANOTHER ONE, GIRLS and she’s cute af like top me you soft butch stud you  but the moment she saw Katrina I was like I WAS RIGHT AGAIN JUST LIKE I WAS ABOUT MADDIE’S SIDE SHAVE IN SEASON 1 so I was like this is great, another black queer girl and Xander is being chill af with her and them broing out was gold, I loved it but I didn’t see her seeing Levi coming, which shook me cause I didn’t know what was gonna happen and Xander really stepped up and I loved that he risked his future career and a friendship for this as well as her career. When he saw Ryn in the library (and that was such a pretty library) I honestly wish she leaned up to kiss him even if it was just on the cheek cause he did so much for Ryn and the rest and really deserves more credit. Plus I lowkey live for the little moment between them like her holding his hand at Donna’s grave or when she sat with him at the wake because it just shows so much character growth for both of them and I love the trust that they built and that he treasures even though they have had so little interactions. It’s one of those moments that shows bad actions can be redeemed and restores faith in humanity while so many people are out to harm them.

Helen.

Honorable mention for you being the coolest lady. You should have been treated better with Sarge but the fact that you know so much in spite being 1/8 and not in that hybrid colony just makes you so cool. And now you’re out here trying to edumacate daddy Pownall even though he’s crazy as shit and probably gonna try to kill you. You a real one, Helen. 

Ryn.

You poor thing, having to give up your baby. It’s been a rough go for you lately or....the whole series, I guess, and now your colony was attacked and shit. Again she’s done no wrong and is trying so hard to learn and can’t catch a break. The one thing I do fault her for is not knowing that she shouldn’t have said the bit about her baby being eaten and whatnot because she’s been on land a year and change no and should know human habits better LOL. It was still classic Siren humor tho.

This post is long enough so I wont address anyone else and doubt anyone got to the end but UGH.... I just want Polymarine back. I miss them watching movies in bed and being secure and cute and fluffy and I just need that so much right now.

[star-anise]

do you have any sources on the claims you made? im always willing to change my stance if you have legitimate backing for it haha

So first, I’m sorry for blowing up at you the way that I did. I’m not proud that I reacted in such a kneejerk, aggressive fashion. Thank you for being open to hearing what I have to say. I’m sorry for mistaking you for a TERF, and I’m sorry my response has caused other people to direct their own hostility towards you.

So, here’s the thing. “You can’t call bi women femmes” is pretty intrinsically a radfem thing to say, and I am deeply opposed to letting radfems tell me what to do. I’m trying to write this during a weekend packed with childcare and work. I’ll try to hit all the high notes.

The one thing I am having trouble finding is the longass post I talked about in my reply, that was a history of butch/femme relationships in lesbian bars, which had frequent biphobic asides and talked about “the lesbophobic myth of the bi-rejecting lesbian”; the friend who reblogged it without reading it thoroughly has deleted it, and I can’t find it on any of the tags she remembers looking at around that time. If anyone can find it, I’ll put up a link.

As far as possible, I’m linking to really widely accessible sources, because you shouldn’t intrinsically trust a random post on Tumblr as secret privileged knowledge. People have talked about this at length in reputable publications that your local library either has, or can get through interlibrary loan; you can look up any of the people here, read their work, and decide for yourself. This is a narrative of perspectives, and while I obviously have a perspective, many people disagree with me. At the end of the day, the only reason I need for calling bi women femmes is that You Are Not The Boss Of Me. There is no centralized authority on LGBT+ word usage, nor do I think there should be. Hopefully this post will give you a better sense of what the arguments are, and how to evaluate peoples’ claims in the future.

I looked up “butch” and “femme” with my library’s subscription to the Oxford English Dictionary because that’s where you find the most evidence of etymology and early use, and found:

“Femme” is the French word for “woman”.  It’s been a loanword in English for about 200 years, and in the late 19th century in America it was just a slangy word for “women”, as in, “There were lots of femmes there for the boys to dance with”

“Butch” has been used in American English to mean a tough, masculine man since the late 19th century; in the 1930s and 1940s it came to apply to a short masculine haircut, and shortly thereafter, a woman who wore such a haircut. It’s still used as a nickname for masculine cis guys–my godfather’s name is Martin, but his family calls him Butch. By the 1960s in Britain, “butch” was slang for the penetrating partner of a pair of gay men.

Butch/femme as a dichotomy for women arose specifically in the American lesbian bar scene around, enh, about the 1940s, to enh, about the 1960s. Closet-keys has a pretty extensive butch/femme history reader. This scene was predominantly working-class women, and many spaces in it were predominantly for women of colour. This was a time when “lesbian” literally meant anyone who identified as a woman, and who was sexually or romantically interested in other women. A lot of the women in these spaces were closeted in the rest of their lives, and outside of their safe spaces, they had to dress normatively, were financially dependent on husbands, etc. Both modern lesbians, and modern bisexual women, can see themselves represented in this historical period.

These spaces cross-pollinated heavily with ball culture and drag culture, and were largely about working-class POC creating spaces where they could explore different gender expressions, gender as a construct and a performance, and engage in a variety of relationships. Butch/femme was a binary, but it worked as well as most binaries to do with sex and gender do, which is to say, it broke down a lot, despite the best efforts of people to enforce it. It became used by people of many different genders and orientations whose common denominator was the need for safety and discretion. “Butch” and “femme” were words with meanings, not owners.

Lesbianism as distinct from bisexuality comes from the second wave of feminism, which began in, enh, the 1960s, until about, enh, maybe the 1980s, maybe never by the way Tumblr is going. “Radical” feminism means not just that this is a new and more exciting form of feminism compared to the early 20th century suffrage movement; as one self-identified radfem professor of mine liked to tell us every single lecture, it shares an etymology with the word “root”, meaning that sex discrimination is at the root of all oppression.

Radical feminism blossomed among college-educated women, which also meant, predominantly white, middle- or upper-class women whose first sexual encounters with women happened at elite all-girls schools or universities. Most of these women broke open the field of “women’s studies” and the leading lights of radical feminism often achieved careers as prominent scholars and tenured professors.

Radical feminism established itself as counter to “The Patriarchy”, and one of the things many early radfems believed was, all men were the enemy. All men perpetuated patriarchy and were damaging to women. So the logical decision was for women to withdraw from men in all manner and circumstances–financially, legally, politically, socially, and sexually. “Political lesbianism” wasn’t united by its sexual desire for women; many of its members were asexual, or heterosexual women who decided to live celibate lives. This was because associating with men in any form was essentially aiding and abetting the enemy.

Look, I’ll just literally quote Wikipedia quoting an influential early lesbian separatist/radical feminist commune: “The Furies recommended that Lesbian Separatists relate “only (with) women who cut their ties to male privilege” and suggest that “as long as women still benefit from heterosexuality, receive its privileges and security, they will at some point have to betray their sisters, especially Lesbian sisters who do not receive those benefits”“

This cross-pollinated with the average experience of WLW undergraduates, who were attending school at a time when women weren’t expected to have academic careers; college for women was primarily seen as a place to meet eligible men to eventually marry. So there were definitely women who had relationships with other women, but then, partly due to the pressure of economic reality and heteronormativity, married men. This led to the phrase LUG, or “lesbian until graduation”, which is the kind of thing that still got flung at me in the 00s as an openly bisexual undergrad. Calling someone a LUG was basically an invitation to fight.

The assumption was that women who marry men when they’re 22, or women who don’t stay in the feminist academic sphere, end up betraying their ideals and failing to have solidarity with their sisters. Which seriously erases the many contributions of bi, het, and ace women to feminism and queer liberation. For one, I want to point to Brenda Howard, the bisexual woman who worked to turn Pride from the spontaneous riots in 1969 to the nationwide organized protests and parades that began in 1970 and continue to this day. She spent the majority of her life to a male partner, but that didn’t diminish her contribution to the LGBT+ community.

Lesbian separatists, and radical feminists, hated Butch/Femme terminology. They felt it was a replication of unnecessarily heteronormative ideals. Butch/femme existed in an LGBT+ context, where gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender people understood themselves to have more in common with each other than with, say, cis feminists who just hated men more than they loved women. 

The other main stream of feminist thought at the time was Liberal Feminism, which was like, “What if we can change society without totally rejecting men?” and had prominent figures like Gloria Steinem, who ran Ms magazine. Even today, you’ll hear radfems railing against “libfems” and I’m like, my good women, liberal feminism got replaced thirty years ago. Please update your internal schema of “the enemy”

Lesbian separatism was… plagued by infighting. To maintain a “woman-only” space, they had to kick out trans women (thus, TERFs), women who slept with men (thus, biphobia), women who enjoyed kinky sex or pornography or engaged in sex work (thus, SWERFS) and they really struggled to raise their male children in a way that was… um… anti-oppressive. (I’m biased; I know people who were raised in lesbian separatist communes and did not have great childhoods.) At the same time, they had other members they very much wanted to keep, even though their behaviour deviated from the expected program, so you ended up with spectacles like Andrea Dworkin self-identifying as a lesbian despite being deeply in love with and married to a self-identified gay man for twenty years, despite beng famous for the theory that no woman could ever have consensual sex with a man, because all she could ever do was acquiesce to her own rape.

There’s a reason radical feminism stopped being a major part of the public discourse, and also a reason why it survives today: While its proponents became increasingly obsolete, they were respected scholars and tenured university professors. This meant people like Camille Paglia and Mary Daly, despite their transphobia and racism, were considered important people to read and guaranteed jobs educating young people who had probably just moved into a space where they could meet other LGBT people for the very first time. So a lot of modern LGBT people (including me) were educated by radical feminist professors or assigned radical feminist books to read in class.

The person I want to point to as a great exemplar is Alison Bechdel, a white woman who discovered she was a lesbian in college, was educated in the second-wave feminist tradition, but also identified as a butch and made art about the butch/femme dichotomy’s persistence and fluidity. You can see part of that tension in her comic; she knows the official lesbian establishment frowns on butch/femme divisions, but it’s relevant to her lived experience.

What actually replaced radical feminism was not liberal feminism, but intersectional feminism and the “Third Wave”. Black radical feminists, like Audre Lorde, bell hooks, and Kimberlé Williams Crenshaw, pointed out that many white radical feminists were ignoring race as a possible cause of oppression, and failing to notice how their experiences differed from Black womens’. Which led to a proliferation of feminists talking about other oppressions they faced: Disabled feminists, Latina feminists, queer feminists, working-class feminists. It became clear that even if you eliminated the gender binary from society, there was still a lot of bad shit that you had to unlearn–and also, a lot of oppression that still happened in lesbian separatist spaces.

I’ve talked before about how working in women-only second-wave spaces really destroyed my faith in them and reinforced my belief in intersectional feminism

Meanwhile, back in the broader queer community, “queer” stuck as a label because how people identified was really fluid. Part of it is that you learn by experience, and sometimes the only way to know if something works for you is to try it out, and part of it is that, as society changed, a lot more people became able to take on new identities without as much fear. So for example, you have people like Pat Califia, who identified as a lesbian in the 70s and 80s, found far more in common with gay leather daddies than sex-negative lesbians, and these days identifies as a bisexual trans man.

Another reason radical feminists hate the word “queer”, by the way, is queer theory, which wants to go beyond the concept of men oppressing women, or straights oppressing gays, but to question this entire system we’ve built, of sex, and gender, and orientation. It talks about “queering” things to mean “to deviate from heteronormativity” more than “to be homosexual”. A man who is married to a woman, who stays at home and raises their children while she works, is viewed as “queer” inasmuch as he deviates from heteronormativity, and is discriminated against for it.

So, I love queer theory, but I will agree that it can be infuriating to hear somebody say that as a single (cis het) man he is “queer” in the same way being a trans lesbian of colour is “queer”, and get very upset and precious about being told they’re not actually the same thing. I think that actually, “queer as a slur” originated as the kind of thing you want to scream when listening to too much academic bloviating, like, “This is a slur! Don’t reclaim it if it didn’t originally apply to you! It’s like poor white people trying to call themselves the n-word!” so you should make sure you are speaking about a group actually discriminated against before calling them “queer”. On the other hand, queer theory is where the theory of “toxic masculinity” came from and we realized that we don’t have to eliminate all men from the universe to reduce gender violence; if we actually pay attention to the pressures that make men so shitty, we can reduce or reverse-engineer them and encourage them to be better, less sexist, men.

But since radfems and queer theorists are basically mortal enemies in academia, radical feminists quite welcomed the “queer as a slur” phenomenon as a way to silence and exclude people they wanted silenced and excluded, because frankly until that came along they’ve been losing the culture wars.

This is kind of bad news for lesbians who just want to float off to a happy land of only loving women and not getting sexually harrassed by men. As it turns out, you can’t just turn on your lesbianism and opt out of living in society. Society will follow you wherever you go. If you want to end men saying gross things to lesbians, you can’t just defend lesbianism as meaning “don’t hit on me”; you have to end men saying gross things to all women, including bi and other queer women.  And if you do want a lesbian-only space, you either have to accept that you will have to exclude and discriminate against some people, including members of your community whose identities or partners change in the future, or accept that the cost of not being a TERF and a biphobe is putting up with people in your space whose desires don’t always resemble yours.

Good god, this got extensive and I’ve been writing for two hours.

So here’s the other thing.

My girlfriend is a femme bi woman. She’s married to a man.

She’s also married to two women.

And dating a man.

And dating me (a woman).

When you throw monogamy out the window, it becomes EVEN MORE obvious that “being married to a man” does not exclude a woman from participation in the queer community as a queer woman, a woman whose presentation is relevant in WLW contexts. Like, this woman is in more relationships with women at the moment than some lesbians on this site have been in for their entire lives.

You can start out with really clear-cut ideas about “THIS is what my life is gonna be like” but then your best friend’s sexual orientation changes, or your lover starts to transition, and things in real life are so much messier than they look when you’re planning your future. It’s easy to be cruel, exclusionary, or dismissive to people you don’t know; it’s a lot harder when it’s people you have real relationships with.

And my married-to-a-man girlfriend? Uses “butch” and “femme” for reasons very relevant to her queerness and often fairly unique to femme bi women, like, “I was out with my husband and looking pretty femme, so I guess they didn’t clock me as a queer” or “I was the least butch person there, so they didn’t expect me to be the only one who uses power tools.” Being a femme bi woman is a lot about invisibility, which is worth talking about as a queer experience instead of being assumed to exclude us from the queer community.