#whats my lifespan gonna be now that something's wrong? that's such a scary thought.

[ectogeranium]

People with chronic body illness, how do you cope? I've only been chronically ill for almost a year and I feel so lost, and like there's no end in sight. I miss what normal feels like. I miss the feeling of not feeling. I'll never feel that way again, and that thought is enough to bring me to tears. Will I live a normal length of life? What even is normal anymore? Does it get better? Will I ever be able to truly cope? I've been avoiding accepting that I'm ill this entire time, and I currently feel like I won't ever accept it. It sucks so much. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of so many emotions. As much as it sucks to admit, but I'm scared. Scared of the day to day. Scared of the future. I need advice. Anything would help.

[x0401x]

may you please elaborate more on the kaisei part you just mentioned im so eager to read the LN now hh

By God, I sure as hell can. I’m just gonna dump the whole scene here under the cut, because I’m sure not everyone would believe me if I just wrote a summary of it. Even I couldn't believe my own eyes when I read this shit for the first time.

Just to give some context, the scene takes place at a theme park where people could interact with dogs and cats. The whole club was there, including Masaki, but they scatter to enjoy the attractions in small groups. Masaki tags along with the first-years to keep an eye on them. Minato, Ryouhei and Nanao go straight to the first circle and dive into a sea of puppies. The girls head to a corner with trained dogs, where Yuuna takes a video of Rika petting one of them. And then there’s Seiya and Kaito, who decide to go see a dog runway for large dogs. One of the dogs gets cozy with Seiya and that’s where this bullshit begins.

Ayano Kotoko really knows how not to give a single flying fuck.

“That one sure is clingy. Ain’t it heavy?”

“I’m used to it, so it’s fine. But I’ll have to take a shower before going home. Kuma will find out that I was getting friendly with other dogs if the smell stays on me.”

“Where are you gonna take that shower?”

“Minato’s place. I’ll go in from the back door so that Kuma won’t notice.”

“You’ll be mistaken for some buglar.”

“This always happens, so there’s no problem.”

Someone blew a whistle. The dogs sled to their feet and went into their hut. The song was “Greensleeves”.

English lyrics: Alas, my love, you do me wrong Greensleeves was all my joy Greensleeves was my delight

Japanese translation: Ah, my love, you're such a cruel one Greensleeves, you were my joy Greensleeves, such merry days I was happy just being by your side

Invited by nostalgia, scenes that one both would and would not want to remember came to mind. The two went into the shade to avoid the sun. Heat-haze rose from within the grass.

“I just recently learned something; the Bernese Mountain Dog has a short lifespan even in comparison to other dogs, and apparently, there’s a Swiss proverb that goes, ‘Three years a young dog, three years a good dog and three years an old dog... all else is a gift from God’. The Ainu people call bears ‘kamuy’ – ‘gods’. I accidentally named a short-lived dog ‘Bear’ and kept it by my side. This had me thinking that ignorance is such a scary thing.”

“There ain’t any problem with that, y’know? Some grade school brat gave his pet a name that sounded strong. The Ainu people saw strong bears as gods. Isn't that all there is to it? Unlike in the past, medicine is advanced now. You’re just overthinking too much stuff.”

“Fuh, you’re right. Hey, Kaito.”

“Hm?”

“Ah... it’s almost time for lunch. Let’s go back to the meeting spot.”

Under the sunlight filtered through foliage, red shoes chased after blue ones.

I don’t know if it’s okay to catch up to you, since you’re so full of secrets. Is it selfish of me to want to know what’s burdening you, or to hope that you’ll share the load with me, even if just a little bit of it?

A cool breeze blew past the two, who at some point started walking side by side.

Okay, this scene needs a break-down.

On one side, you have some very obvious stuff, like Kaito’s thoughts about Seiya. His actions have been screaming “rely on me, goddamn it” since volume 1. No news here. Did I ever imagine we’d get it thrown in our faces word by word, coming from Kaito himself? Absolutely the fuck not.

Now, the rest leaves a lot of questions. Why did Seiya bring up the topic of Kuma’s name all of a sudden, and why at a moment when he’s all alone with Kaito instead of when everyone’s together? Why did the song in the background have to be Greensleeves? Why

the fuck

did it have to be such a suggestive part of the song?

Ayano. Fucking answer me, Ayano.

The first thing that got me about this moment is that there’s a Japanese version paired to the original English. Although I wouldn’t call it an accurate translation, I think the Japanese one hits closer to home when it comes to the author’s intention in picking this song (or else, it wouldn’t even be here). These specific verses wouldn’t be used without purpose in the first place, and literally all of it matches with the story.

“You’re such a cruel one”? Yeah, Seiya is indeed a cruel person. Not in the sense that he’s ill-intentioned or mean-spirited (far from it, actually), but in the sense that he doesn’t have any mercy when it comes to protecting what’s important to him. He doesn’t play fair and ends up hurting people in the process (even the very people he’s trying to protect), but he’s fully aware of that. It’s a price he’s willing to pay.

“I was happy just being by your side” reminds me a lot of volume 1, when Kaito was a hair’s breadth away from uncovering the whole truth about what happened in middle school and Seiya’s real intentions, but decided to leave it alone because it wouldn’t be of help for anyone if he knew. Back then, it really felt like just being by Seiya’s side and watching things unfold was enough for him.

But then again, even the English version of the lyrics hits bull’s-eye, ‘cause let’s be honest, Seiya did do Kaito a lot of wrong at the beginning. From blatantly ignoring Kaito to lying through his teeth with a straight face and throwing shade at every opportunity. We really saw it all, lol.

So yeah. Without a doubt, “my love” refers to Seiya. From Kaito’s point of view.

And like.

Why. In the fuck.

Why in all the nine fucks would you use that term for two guys who are supposed to be friends?

ALSO, WHAT THE FUCK WAS SEIYA GOING TO SAY. WHY DID YOU CUT HIM OFF THERE. WHY DOES EVERY SCENE IN THIS GODFORSAKEN SERIES CUT OFF WHEN IT REACHES PEAK GAY.

I just wanna talk, Ayano. I just wanna fucking talk.

This book feels like the author channeled everything the readers have been thinking into one volume and then added some more juicy stuff to it because why the fuck not.

I just... love the way that there’s literally nowhere else to run? Like, no matter how you try to look at it, Seiya is the one “my love” is referring to, and the rest is about his and Kaito’s relationship. It’s not even debatable at all.

Am I saying that Kaito is in love with Seiya? No. But can I say for sure that he isn’t? Also no. This is the magic of Tsurune. The gay is heavy as fuck and the author doesn’t let you find excuses for it.

What I mean by this wall of text is that we now can associate a sentence as straightforward as “alas, my love” with Kaito and Seiya. In canon.

Thank you, Ayano. Fuck you, Ayano.

But mind you, this isn’t the worst of all. There’s a lot going on in volume 3. A whole fucking lot.

“That’s every volume of Tsurune” NO YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND

[orochikeeper]

This is going to be a Big one but I want to address it early on in this blog's lifespan lmao. One thing to note that I actually will detail more under the cut (later, for now I'm on my phone) is that, contrary to what the fandom likes to insist (because of trying to frame both conditions in a negative light due to his being, y'know, fuckawful) -- Akabane neither has NPD nor ASPD. This is also not an attempt to frame either condition in a harsh light (especially not by dismissing these thoughts), either; it just doesn't really sit right that fandom consensus seems to be "yeah let's slap one of these two incredibly maligned disorders on a guy who definitely has some symptoms found in both, but also has enough backing for it to be 100% believable that he's not got either of them, because we want to call him a psycho since he's an antagonist and we don't like him".

Look. Gonna start off top by saying I don't even like the guy, but I do think the general perception goes a little too far & tastes sour in my mouth; everything we've seen lines up better with a combination of untreated PTSD, IED (intermittent explosive disorder; something that explains his horrifically disproportionate outbursts of rage, violence, and often murder in response to minor stimuli -- the latter often simply caused by the fact that he is inhumanly strong, and often doesn't have an "off" button until the stressor is "quiet"), bipolar I (which is commonly comorbid with IED and would explain manic and depressive outbursts seen in canon), and possibly EDD (empathy deficit disorder) or head trauma from work that has caused something to be a little...off, internally, leading to his skewed perception of relationships and his inability to truly connect with many people (this is coupled with the untreated PTSD, which would also impact that) -- he is, essentially, a government-sponsored first responder; he goes where things are the worst, he has done so for 10+ years, and he also has the pressure of being the public face of the Rangers and a hero to children pressing down on his brain like a weighted plate draining tofu. He has seen a lot of people die. He has caused a lot of people to die (whether by carelessness or his own hand). He has seen children die, which seems to have effected him greatly, given his drive towards specifically protecting and being a hero to them alone.

Akabane also arguably doesn't have the greatest perception of himself: he seems aware he's useless, and even incompetent, without a Divine Tool. He's fully aware he's all muscle and tactical planning, not good for much beyond bolstering morale and beating things into a pulp: he knows he's a pretty face and a figurehead, something to make people feel better. He also knows all he's good for is "killing things". His "god complex" is a facade: it's something he puts on to scare people away and make them think he's untouchable. He's aware of his own mortality. He's aware he's just some human. A really strong human, but just some human.

He's also capable of feeling grief and remorse for things he's done (mourning someone he killed in a fit of untapped, stupidly prompted rage for months, to a point he visibly lost weight and hasn't been taking much care of himself). There's a lot to him and writing him off by picking conditions thought of as "scary" or "bad" isn't the take it seems like.

Yes I still call him a manchild. Yes I call him unstable and mentally unwell. No, this isn't done purely out of malice. He's a spoiled man about to enter middle age who is incredibly childish in how he reacts to, and interacts with, the world -- he expects people to cater to him the way someone's bratty kid would & throws a fit when things don't go his way, and while this definitely might be how he's handling stress and trauma, goddamn is he doing it wrong (he also kind of just has "coddled by parents" energy). He also is incredibly quick to anger (and while that is rooted in IED, he also doesn't like...do anything...about this, and doesn't try to find any coping mechanisms or ways to help himself) and quicker to calm back down and smile. He is unstable. He is unwell. I say these things with absolutely no malice. He's not doing super hot. He's also evidently aware he's the problem but he doesn't do anything to help himself, instead just acknowledging the problem in a loop. Step one, step one, step one; acknowledge the problem, acknowledge the problem, acknowledge the problem -- over and over without moving past that step.

Also, this is another reminder: mental health issues don't make you inherently shitty! Mental health issues don't mean you're gonna suck! Just because this guy has them and also sucks doesn't mean they're entirely why he sucks! He's also just not a great person: he's the worst hero there is, still perfectly functional at his job, still has a sense of justice and morals and ethics, but if you're "out of line" in any way to him, he will discard you (many times through death) and that's Literally just how he is it has Nothing to do with his brain juice being fermented. A person's mental health does not excuse their horrible actions and while it can contextualize certain actions (such as Akabane's overblown anger being linked to IED) it is not a get out of jail free card. Nor should it be used to write off a character or person's bad deeds. Sometimes people just... aren't great!

Here is the under the cut section which I will go back and add panels to with accompanying explanations for what can be seen and read from said information.

For now: source just trust me. Soon: sources to be added.

[ultimatetornshipper]

To bee or not to bee - a Jasonette fic

@moonlitceleste I almost let this die, I honestly really wanted it dead but alas it was clearly meant to bee 

(WARNING: contains puns, angst, crack and fluff. You have been warned)

If you don’t want to read my sarcastic/funny/fangirl commentary, skip the brackets

I have another bee movie au, i didn't plan it ("I don't claim to be proud. But my head won't be hung in shame. I didn't plan it. But the light turned red, and I ran it. And I'm still standing. It's not what I wanted, but now that it's right here. I understand it. A story written by my own hand" as quoted from Waitress), it just happened and i just couldn't resist. I'm not sorry

So what if instead of dying Joker turned Jason into a bee. Because Harley convinced him and told him that people were talking shit about him because he's named the Joker and they don't think he's funny. It surprisingly works. (Obviously Harley was the one who made the plan and did the magic I mean really what do u expect of Joker?)

Ok so now Jason’s a bee right? And he’s like 15 because .~:°*plot*°:~.

They look for him and Jason’s like flying around like, “Guys! Guys I’m right here!” Poor kid. (I mean I would make it funny but like angst)

Obviously they don’t understand him because he’s a fucking bee and Joker cackles madly and Harley laughs too but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes and it's kinda that laugh u do when ur supes overwhelmed and sound maniacal but like soft (I’m a simp for Harley being portrayed as the complex and beautiful character she id leave me be)

Jason is very sad. And also quite pissed

Not knowing what else to do he follows Batman home, he listens to them trying to find him, watches Dick freak out and Alfred wipe a tear the rest of the family doesn’t see.

Jason tries to approach Alfred, hoping he somehow recognizes what happened

He doesn’t, Alfred closes him in a glass and paper and takes him outside.

He sneaks back into the manor and sleeps in one of the flowers (it's a red tulip because aesthetic) next to his bed. He cries himself to sleep. (Can bees cry? Is this possible? Is this like a thing??? I don't need sleep i need answers)

The thing is even tho he's now a bee, he still has the durability of a human, so even stepping on him won’t crush him and he still has a human lifespan

Because Harley isn’t a monster and what Puddin didn’t know couldn’t hurt him. (Simping for Harley Quinn strike 2)

After a while at the manor and following them he decides he can’t stand it anymore. Alfred has thrown him out three times and Dick freaks out each time he sees him as he’s a tad allergic (read: he would die if stung)

Which is how Jason found out that getting hit with a newspaper wouldn’t kill him.

He leaves.

He’s a bee and it’s not like he knows about a way to reverse it.

But there was someone who might.

He goes to Arkham.

Luckily, Harley was still there. (YAY we get to see mah gurl)

He flies into her cell and she just watches him, then she seems to click. She gives him a small smile, “Hi birdie,” (she puns, honestly would make for a better clown of Gotham and I saw an idea for that once where she steals Joker’s title once and I’ve been yearning for it ever since)

She holds out a finger and he lands on it, she laughs but tears come to her eyes,” Hey at least you’re not dead. That was his original plan you know? To kill you with a crowbar. I convinced him this would be a cruller fate. I guess maybe it is, but at least this way... Ugh how the hell did I get here,” (Harley angst, honestly it’s all just self service at this point)

He simply stared at her as she cried, and he felt his heart clench. From here she looked so sad... not crazy, just broken.

She took a deep breath and looked at him seriously, “Look kid, there’s a way to get you back to normal, you just need to find someone, they’re called the Guardian of the Miraculous. They can help, I don’t know who or where they are, just follow your instincts. And come say hi when you get back, yeah? I could do with the... healthier company. And remember, I bee-lieve in you,” (Gasp what a shock, you mean to tell me Miraculous magic is gonna be involved in this Maribat au. Well I never what a shock. Also puns. Oh and she’s so nice to him. We love Harley in this house)

He sat there and studied her for a while more, there was more to her than it seemed. Than what he’d assumed.

But for now, he had his own problems to deal with.

She gave him a small wave as he left. (Adorable)

He left and started considering his options, as a bee, it would probably be safest to stay inside, away from birds and things that would view him as a snack.

Staying in Arkham seemed like his best option, as bad an option as it was.

Most of the prisoners wouldn’t have a second thought about trying to crush him.

A strong scent of flowers and plants suddenly came to his attention.

Of course! Poison Ivy. (Round 2 of me simping for beautiful, complex, badass women. Too bad Catwoman ain’t here.)

He followed the smell to her cell and saw her staring out of her small window. He was still taking a chance, but she loved plants and flowers and bees were important to those, weren’t they?

He flew to the window bars and sat on one. The moment she spotted him she smiled widely, in a soft way he hadn’t seen on her before. (Ahhhhh my darling plant redhead. I love writing the Sirens as soft badasses. Also has anyone noticed how rare brunettes are in superhero worlds? Like both in Marvel and DC but like irl brown is like a pretty damn common)

She held out her finger, “Hey there, little guy. A little far from home, aren’t we?”

She had no idea.

He landed on her fingertip and watched in awe as a flower and a few leaves formed on her hand. She let the flower grow itself around one of her window bars and held her finger next to one of the petals.

“There you go, it’s all I can manage with my power dampers. I haven’t had company in a while,” she said softly as he crawled into the flower. He made himself comfortable.

She laughed to herself and he saw her shaking her head, “Talking to a bee, well, I guess stranger things have happened,” (yeah ur crush is dating a green haired murderous psychopath and you get beat up by a billionaire in a batsuit on like a biweekly basis)

The flower was soft and warm and felt safer than he expected it to. He found that he could move between the petals but decided to curl up in the middle. (It's a pink rose this time because fuck yeah flowers)

He slept better than he had in days.

The next morning he took his leave, stopping only at the manor to say a mental goodbye.

Then he headed off.

Jason flew a lot the first few months, our boy was smart at least, travelling with a cruise ship on its way to Europe.

It was Spring in the Northern Hemisphere so he had until Autumn until it was in his best interest to head south to avoid the snow. He decided to head towards Africa when summer started coming to an end. (I have no reasoning for this, just that I want to)

His first spot would be the United Kingdom. Then he'd go through the rest of Europe following his instincts.

At least it was Spring.

Jason diligently searched through England, Scotland and Ireland but found nothing.

By the time he was done he realized it was time to start heading South. He’d decided to take another cruise to South-Africa, where it would be summer, he searched through the country until April. He would admit that he didn’t feel drawn to anything in any of their 9 provinces so his search wasn’t as diligent as in England. He didn’t feel anymore drawn to the neighbouring countries like Namibia or Botswana either.

(Once again no reasoning for why I picked these countries, I mean the French Hugonotes went there when they were fleeing from the French Catholics who wanted them dead so I guess I could make up some bullshit about Mari having an ancestor in common with someone there or maybe it was just the ship he could easiest get access I don’t know, you make something up)

Which was why he decided to go back to Europe as soon as April hit.

He hitched another ride on a cruise headed for France.

It’s been a year since he got turned into a damn bee.

He was sixteen now and while he’d seen some amazing things all through South-Africa (a place that proves that humans really do have a weirdly obvious way of naming things I mean the Amazon river and Chad Lake are just more examples really) as well as the United Kingdom, all he really wanted was to go back home, to be human again.

When he gets there he diligently makes his way through France, eventually arriving in Paris.

He lands on the tip top of the Eiffel Tower. As in the point of the antenna because why not.

During his year he realized that birds and other animals tended to avoid him, sensing his strangeness so that was at least one positive.

He stared out over the city. Well, the one good thing about this was definitely the views he’s been allowed to see.

That was until a massive explosion hit.

“What the fuck?” he said out loud, searching for the source. No one understood him, human or bee, but talking to himself reminded him of his humanity.

He found the source of the explosion but just as he started flying to its general direction, a blinding white light shone followed by a horde of ladybugs that were fixing everything that was wrong. (Imagine how scary this would lowkey be irl tho? Just a shit ton of Ladybugs descending on Paris my dude)

He decided that he needed a night’s sleep before he could even begin an attempt at deciphering what had just happened. He flew lower, finding a nice little balcony right above a bakery. And it had flowers. (I’ll give u five seconds to guess who this balcony belongs to)

He flew down, exploring.

He turned around when he heard a loud thump from behind him. What appeared to be a super heroine in red spandex with black spots had landed on the balcony.

She detransformed and started to talking to a floating bug- fairy thing. Strange. Though it wasn’t like he could judge, as an ex superhero sidekick who was thought to be dead but was actually a bee.

She disappeared down her trapdoor and he made himself comfortable in one of her flowers.

He slept soundly until somewhere during a night another thump woke him. He looked out of his sleeping spot to see a cat superhero stand on her balcony. He leaned down and knocked on her small trapdoor.

Ah, a teammate of hers, they were probably meeting about something, he thought as he heard her open up.

It didn’t take him long to realize that even though they were teammates, the cat, Chat Noir he later learned, was not aware of this fact.

Oh this was rich.

He couldn’t bee-lieve his eyes. (ok so Jason used self-referential puns but can you really blame him? It’s really just me and my pun problem so don’t blame the kid)

He was going on and on about his feelings for Ladybug, the girl’s hero form, that were clashing with his feelings for another girl he fenced with, while she listened, clearly fed up with it.

He also claimed that he thought that maybe they were one and the same. Which, to Jason, was hilarious as he was literally saying this to the actual Ladybug’s face.

Marinette- he learned from the Cat’s ongoing blabbering, he was a real blab-bee mouth, - was clearly tired, nodding half asleep, probably having heard it all before.

When he finally left Jason went to sleep again, incredibly amused and even more thankful that he was fluent in French. ( u think this is plot convenience? Just u wait mah dude iz about to get worse)

The next morning he decided to follow her to school. Which was how he learned of her huge crush on a boy named Adrien Agreste.

After learning the boy could fence thanks to Marinette’s obsession interest in him, he got suspicious.

Could it really bee? (not a typo)

After seeing the boy transform a month or two later for patrol he laughed like he hadn’t for over a year. It very much was. He'd spent the time staying on Marinette's balcony and decided to stay another week before moving on and continuing his search, after all, he couldn't stop now that he finally felt like he was getting close.

The next day she got home crying, claiming that Adrien had started dating someone else.

Kagami, she called the girl. Probably the fencer if he had to place a bet.

“I’m sorry, Marinette,” Tikki told the girl.

“That boy's an idiot,” he said, speaking his mind, another thing he’d gotten use to being allowed to do without consequence.

Marinette nearly jumped out of her skin, she looked around and he realized that she could hear him. He hadn’t really spoken too much before, at least not when she was around. He was usually content with watching her do whatever she was doing that day.

“Tikki, did you hear that?” she asked, Tikki nodded, her eyes landing on him.

“Oh,” the kwami said softly, flying over to him, “Oh, you poor thing, who did this to you?” (Tikki is the first ever mom friend and u can fight me on this)

He stared up at her, flying so that they were eye level.

Marinette gaped at them, heartbreak seemingly forgotten, “Tik- Tikki, are- who are you talking- are you talking to a – Tikki is that a bee?!” she finally spluttered out.

“No,” Tikki said, studying him, he felt his heart twist in hope and his stomach roll in surprise. Did she know?

“I mean yes, but no. He’s a boy whose been turned into a bee,” Tikki explained, turning back to Marinette.

“Oh,” Marinette said softly, turning to him. She held her hand out and after some hesitation he landed on her finger. She looked at him then back to Tikki.

How did they know? Would he really be that lucky? Was this real?

“Uhm, how?” she said, staring at him in disbelief. He tried shrugging but realized he couldn’t anymore- beecause of his- well if you haven’t caught on to the fact that he’s a bee by now you should really start from the beginning of this story.

“I don’t know, but Joker and Harley Quinn were involved,” he said.

Marinette stared at him in disbelief, blinking a few times. She sat in shock a few moments longer. (Our darling is an awkward lil bean, and while in media awkward is portrayed as cute, irl it isn’t, it’s just well… awkward. And we’re writing a serious and realistic fic about this sidekick of guy who wears a batsuit/billionaire's ward getting turned into a bee and falling in love with a magical girl fighting a butterfly man- none of this unrealistic nonsense)

Tikki flew over and sat on Marinette’s shoulder while her holder processed the information, the kwami stared at him sweetly, “What’s your name?”

He swallowed, he hadn’t said his name in ages, it stirred up something (emotion, it’s called emotion, Jason, you know? The thing Batman can’t process??) in him, “Jason Todd,”

Marinette seemed to finally snap out of her daze, “That sounds American. Are you American? Wait if Joker and Harley are involved then you’re probably from Gotham. Are you? Wait I’ve seen the name Jason Todd somewhere. Weren’t you some rich guy’s ward? It was all over the news last year, Alya wouldn’t stop talking about it for a month, she had a million theories. He was – you were announced dead two months after Robin was taken captive by Joker, everyone thought he was – you were killed. Joker made outrageous claims as they arrested him... saying that they’d never find Robin... that he’d all but disappeared in thin air... that he wouldn’t be the only one wearing stripes... I remember because he put a really weird emphasis on the words be and stripes and...,” her eyes widened and she gasped as she looked at him in what could only be described as pure shock. (Yes this happens, people can talk for this long and since I personally know headcannon that Marinette is ADHD this long ass paragraph is just another Tuesday bud)

He sat there, surprised that she figured it all out so quickly. (yeah bub it’s called plot convenience and it’s because of me, the writer, I don’t wanna focus on secret ID shenanigans, I got other plans for yall, also Mari is smart, don’t underestimate her)

“You’re Robin,” she breathed, “they turned you into a bee. Wait- How the hell did they turn you into a bee?!”

He chuckled, “Bee-lieve me I’ve been asking myself that question for more than a year,”

She bit her lip, seemingly contemplating his words and ignoring his pun, “Tikki do you know anything that could help? Do you think Miraculous magic-,”

He felt his heart stop, he flew up to her face, flying at eye level, “Wait, did you just say Miraculous? Harley said if I could find the Guardian of the miraculous, they could help me, do you know where they are? I’ve been looking for so long,” (‘°;~*.plot convenience.*~;°’)

Marinette blinked at him and Tikki's face dawned with realization.

“I’m the guardian of the miraculous,” Marinette said softly, “Tikki, that means I can help him, right?”

Tikki nodded and he had to dial down the hope in his heart because the look on her face told him there was a Kim Kardashian sized butt on the way.

“We can help him, but we’re gonna have to wait. (don’t look at me like that, do u want them to have time to bond or not?) You’re not trained enough to pull it off yet. If you were to do it now, all three of us would be out of commission for far too long, especially with Hawkmoth on the prowl,” Tikki said.

They must’ve been able to sense his sadness because they were staring at him with an incredible amount of pity. The amount was quite unsettling actually and he suddenly felt a primal like urge to pun. (An extract from my book: “My unhealthy coping mechanisms and how to use them,” specifically Chapter 8: “Humor hides the pain”)

Suddenly Tikki’s face lit up, the whiplash of her expression change throwing any notion of punning out the window.

“Well, there’s one thing we could do,” she said, excitedly, zipping buzzing around “If he wears a miraculous, he'll return back to human form while transformed,”

Marinette perked up at the idea, but confusion soon overtook her features, “But Tikki, most of the miraculous are bigger than he is,”

Tikki waved her away,” It’s fine it’ll work,”

“Ok,” Marinette said after a bit of thought. She stood and he followed while she started climbing down her skylight,” I’m thinking you can try each of them out for different patrols and then we’ll see which one matches you best. This could be fun, having some fun sized company while figuring out how to defeat Hawkmoth,”

He laughed, flying near her ear, “Fun sized, huh? I’ll have you know I’m considered tall in human form, unlike some of us,”

She laughed and rolled her still tear stained eyes, and so, the beginning of a bee-autiful friendship bloomed.

Marinette walked to her closet and Jason took in her room. It was very pink, but in a well-balanced way - it wasn’t completely overbearing. His eye caught on a few pictures of Adrien Agreste on her wall but figured now wouldn’t be a great time to bring it up. (Look he’s already more emotionally aware, #foreshadowing of character development)

She removed a big box from her closet. She opened it and it was filled with what appeared to be a bunch of scrap materials. At the bottom she removed a bigger bundle of black and red fabric and he flew closer.

She put it in her lap and Jason had to do a double take when he realized that her hands were glowing and what the actual fuck- it was a box now -fuck fuck fuck- why was it a box? How? What- Jason was pretty sure he did not sign up for this.

She put the box down in front of her and to his relief she opened her mouth to speak as she lifted the lid, so he’d understand everyth- and its jewellery.

The box contained jewellery. Animal themed jewellery by the looks of things.

He then realized that these were probably the other miraculous.

She looked over each artefact before handing him the yellow and black hairclip.

Out of all of them, she picked the bee miraculous.

“Hilarious,” he replied dryly, giving her a look, he realized too late she wouldn’t be able to register- on account of, well you know… (if u don’t know by now, you don’t get to find out anymore)

She gave him a grin and replied, “I certainly think it is,”

Her teasing expression turned into one of worry, “I mean we could switch it out if it makes you uncomfortable-,” (being a sassy people pleaser with no filters really do be like this tho)

He laughed, “Don’t worry, I’m only teasing. What do I do?”

Marinette opened her mouth to answer before obviously realizing that she didn’t have an answer. She turned to Tikki and the kwami had a fond smile on her face before turning to Jason. (Just Tikki casually mentor- moming Mari because Fu is useless)

“Just step on the miraculous, it’ll sense that you’re human,” the creature replied.

When he stepped onto the bee miraculous, its kwami appeared.

Pollen stared at him for a few seconds before she realized what was happening.

After an explanation about her power set and what exactly he could do in suit, he transformed.

He felt his human body appearing. He was taller and more built than he remembered being. His flying clearly had physical consequences then, not that he was complaining.

His suit included a pair of bee wings. His hair was longer than he remembered it being too.

He had a black leather jacket and combat boots. With it was a pair of practical black leggings and a yellow t-shirt with three thick black stripes. (The three stripes represent each one of his families, the Todds, the Waynes and The Dupain-Chengs, because I can) He also had a pair of black gloves. His boots had yellow laces. On his face was a black and yellow striped domino mask. The top sat on his hip. The bee miraculous sat on the middle of his chest in the form of a broach.

He all but sprinted to the mirror. He stared at his face, his blue eyes and his nose that never healed quite right after breaking it that one time. His black hair was messy and stuck up every which way, his cheekbones were as high as always, and he had a little bit of stubble and it was so familiar and so new all at once.

He touched his face, barely registering the tears flowing down his cheeks and laughed in relief. He was human again. This was real! He could- he was closer to normal than he ever thought he’d get to be.

He turned to Marinette who was staring up at him in shock. He picked her up and spun her around, laughing in joy. And after a moment she joined in. He put her down and put his hands on her shoulders, smiling widely, “Thank you. Thank you so much,”

She smiled up at him, a slightly sad look on her face, “I’m sorry, it’s not permanent,”

“Don’t be sorry. For the first time I have hope. It will be permanent eventually, and till then, I have you with me, right?” he squeezed her shoulder, still high on the feeling of hope and warmth and familiarity.

When he was overcome with the sudden urge to pull her into a hug, he didn’t resist.

He held her close, resting his chin on her head, “Damn, I missed this. Hugging, I mean. I haven’t... it’s been so long,” (not that he got all that many hugs from Bruce “emotionally constipated” Wayne)

She wrapped her arms around him, “I can imagine,”

They stood there a while before the time for patrol came along. She transformed and they made their way to the Eiffel tower, where they met Chat.

The cat themed hero rose his brow questioningly, “I thought we didn’t recruit new heroes unless it was an emergency?”

Ladybug smiled nonchalantly, “It’s Guardian business, he’s gonna be a permanent fixture in our team for at least a few months so we might as well get used to working as a team,”

Chat Noir eyed him wearily and he stepped forward, sticking his hand out, “Hi, I’m Blackback, nice to meet you,”

Chat Noir shook his hand and gave Ladybug a sceptical look, “An American? Really?”

“Please Chat, he's not American, it’s just the glamour hiding his actual accent,” she replied simply, shooting Jason a worried look.

He couldn’t give away his identity, but he was also technically a bee, he didn’t really have an identity to give away. So, her behaviour was strange. Unless she wanted to give him an identity somehow?

He couldn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of patrol.

When they got home Marinette revealed that she wanted to give him the fox miraculous. If they asked Trixx she would be able to design the costume in a way that allowed him to look like a normal civilian, without the mask.

Trixx's glamour was also stronger than the rest so his true identity as Jason Todd would be protected.

And she could help him fake an accent.

Since Marinette was a year younger than him he could just pick up where he left off school wise.

She convinced her parents that he was an exchange student in desperate need of a place to stay because the person he would’ve stayed with backed out last minute.

They agreed easily and Jason decided to not question it.

It was his third family. His second if you only counted non abusive ones. First if you wanted one with a healthy family dynamic.

They got him a fake birth certificate and name. He went with the alias Thomas Grayson. He thought it was kind of funny, and it paid homage to both Bruce and Dick. It gave him something from home to hold on to. (Jason isn’t really salty about not being avenged in this au, he didn’t die and Talia and the pit madness wasn’t there to egg on his anger. But maybe if I ever get back to this au we could do a thing with it… guess we’ll have to wait and see ;-) no promises tho)

He built himself another home with Marinette and her family. And before he knew it, he was happy again. He felt secure.

Through the weeks, he ingrained himself into Marinette's life. In a blink of an eye, they were best friends, and he couldn’t imagine life without her.

He loved living with her family as she trained to be strong enough to turn him back to normal.

He grew close to Marinette’s friends and was her shoulder to cry on about Adrien. He and Adrien got along pretty well, and he and Marc and Rose traded Literature jokes. Max would join in when it involved Shakespeare.

Then Lila happened. (She’s a staple in Maribat fiction. U can’t have Maribat without Lila. Or well u can but that’s usually a very specific au)

Her lies started out simple enough. Then she started manipulating everyone and he, Marinette, Chloe and Adrien were one scheme away from being ostracized. They sat in the back row.

They ignored her sneers and let her lie to her heart’s content. Then one day she said something that made both Marinette and Jason freeze.

“You know, I was childhood friends with Jason Todd (I know she usually gets the names wrong but like her knowing the name just makes this next bit better) You know, Bruce Wayne’s ward who died a while ago? It was just so sad. He grew up in a nice family but his parents both died in a car accident and Brucie took pity on him. He even let us keep in contact afterwards, since our parents were such good friends. We all miss them dearly of course. We were neighbours the year we lived in Gotham, you know? We'd play every day-,” she started fake crying, “Oh it just gets too much sometimes,”

But to Jason’s shock Alya didn’t move to console Lila, in fact, she was staring at the brunette in shock.

He turned his gaze to Marinette to see the girl wearing the biggest, coldest, most satisfied smirk. She rested her chin on her hands and grinned at Lila in a way that made shivers go down his spine.

He turned back, this ought to be good.

And it was.

Alya absolutely lost it.

She ripped Lila a new one and frankly? Jason was impressed. (Alya has a temper and she’s a fangirl, and we all know how we get when someone gets something wrong about one of our hyperfixations, even if it’s an old one so like yall can imagine how bad Lila had fucked up)

When an akuma flew in towards Lila, Alya grabbed it, staring the girl down with a fury he didn’t know she could possess, “Don’t you dare! Do you think I’m blind? I’ve seen how easily you get akumatized and this time I’m not letting it happen!”

Of course, Alya then got akumatized but hey it beat another version of Lila.

Everyone made up but they weren’t quite as close as before. Their group tended to consist mostly out of him, Marinette, Chloe, Adrien, Kagami and Luka.

Other than that incident and akuma attacks, life was pretty good.

In fact, it was great.

He and Marinette would spend nights on her balcony, laughing and slow dancing. They star gazed and went on patrols. He helped her when she got nightmares and she returned the favour. They went on long walks and spent the holidays together. They crammed for tests and he played model for her designs. They worked in the bakery and hung out with their friends both in and out of suit. They’d joke about his technical bee-ness and he and Chat drove her mad with puns. In retaliation she’d introduce him as her bee friend to people or only give him honey and bee themed things. (ok this sentence sounds weird but I mean like when she brings them sweets from the bakery to snack on while working and stuff.)

And one laugh, memory and fight at a time, he started to fall. (I just want good things for Jason, and really can you blame me?)

Through the months, he kept up to date on the news about Bruce Wayne and Marinette held his hand each time a new kid joined his brood. She reminded him that no child could be replaced and reassured him that of course Bruce would want him back when they figured everything out.

And if he didn’t, she’d kick his ass into space, and he’d stay with her family in Paris- a family she made sure he knew he was a part of.

He helped Sabine in the kitchen and was the only one who came closest to beating Marinette’s Ultimate Mega Strike 3 record. Tom taught him to shave and bake. He was integrated into their family and they treated him as part of the family.

But even if they were giving him everything they were, he missed Bruce. And Dick. And Alfred. And Barbara. And Gotham. He missed them all so much. He missed home.

So, 14 months later, when Marinette told him they had a meeting with the Justice League about the Hawkmoth situation, Jason felt his heart skip a beat.

“What?” he asked softly, his eyes brimming with tears (Marinette taught him how to emotion, you see. So Jason is emotionally stable-ish enough to cry without feeling embarrassed about it), “I get to see him again?”

Marinette nodded and hugged him from behind, “I’m planning on telling him what happened. Is there anything you can tell him to verify who you are?”

Memories from a million years ago entered his mind, “Yes,”

She took his hand and took a step back, “And I think I can fix you before we go, I’m strong enough. But I’d still like your help in the final battle, I mean I know you’re going home but...,”

He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and smiled, “Of course, Pixie. I’ll always be there for you when you need me,”

He pressed a kiss against her forehead, a movement so familiar it was practically a part of him. He pulled her close and cried into her hair.

“What if he doesn’t believe me?” he asked softly, after a while, resting his chin on top of her head.

“He will,” she replied, tightening her grip around his waist.

They both knew she had no guarantee of that. That she had no way of knowing for sure. Neither of them did.  And it scared him more than he wanted to admit.

The next day they do the magic turning back thing. It freaks him out quite a bit but not as much as her revealing the miraculous freaked him out the first time, you get kinda used to the magic shenaniganary. They’re both passed out for an hour afterwards and when they wake up, he holds her, crying, because he was finally, finally back to normal and this was real and permanent, and it was over.

She cried with him and held him, and they then went out and he wore a shirt she made for him, and they got ice cream the next day. They celebrated some more and went to the park with the squad and they had a picnic.

It was better than he ever could've imagined.

While the sun was setting, they stood back on her balcony, where they first spoke all those months ago, slow dancing. He pulled away and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and smiled at her as the orange light of the sunset shone on them. (So aesthetic)

“Thank you, Marinette, for everything,” he says as he rubs his thumb across her cheek. His hand holding her face. She puts her hand over his and closes her eyes, savouring the moment.

She opened her eyes again and smiled, “I’d do it again and more, if it meant I’d get to be with you,”

He started leaning down, “If I lost you, I’d fly all over the world just to find you again,”

She raised to her tip toes, faces millimetres from one another, blue bells meeting ice, “So it was all worth it in the end?”

He moves closer, eyes searching hers. “Definitely,” he breathes.

She closes the distance, and he picks her up and spins her around. They break apart and their laughter fills the air.

(now that’s enough fluff, allow me to drown you in angst)

The next day they stood on the Eiffel tower. She took his hand, “Let’s recap. I go in, we have our Hawkmoth meeting, then I ask if I can speak to Batman and Nightwing alone. Then I tell them I found you, then I give them – are you sure it’s necessary for me to give them your blood, hair and a cheek swab? Isn’t that overkill?” (Batman is serious about his no kill rule, but he’s also serious about his there’s no such thing as overkill rule)

He shook his head and she sighed, “Okay. Then I give him means to contact me and I come back. Now remember they might take a while to process and they won’t necessarily call immediately-,”

“What if they never call?” he asked, gripping her hand tightly.

She ran her finger softly through his hair, “Then you have us to help you get through it,”

He nodded, she kissed his cheek and stepped through the portal with Queen Bee, Chat Noir and Viperion. He and Ryuuko stayed behind as backup, he wielded the Fox miraculous these days, but kept the name Blackback, always wearing a black leather jacket no matter the transformation.

He and Ryuko discussed fighting styles, she was kindly trying to distract him, and if it had been anything else he needed distracting from, it would’ve worked.

So passed the slowest forty-five minutes of his life. Chat Noir and Queen Bee exit a portal and so the wait for Marinette and Luka began.

She and Bruce were talking now. Bruce would know he was alive. This was make or break for him. Luka was nearby to act as back up worst-case scenario.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, followed by someone taking and rubbing circles on his back. He looked down to see Ryuuko on his one side and saw Chat Noir on his other.

“We’ve got you,” Chloe said standing in front of him, hand on his unoccupied shoulder.

He swallowed and nodded. She squeezed his upper arm and met his gaze, “Breathe, you’re safe, honey,”

So, 30 more minutes pass. They sit down and somewhere along the line Chat goes and grabs a dozen croissants from the bakery.

In another situation he might’ve laughed. He’d baked this morning’s batch and now he got to eat some of it for free, of course, technically he could get others for free too but-

The portal opened behind them and Ladybug and Viperion stepped out. He noted that she didn’t have the bag of his DNA with her anymore.

She smiled softly at him, “Now we wait,”

And wait they did.

They waited two weeks.

And then the burner phone that's number they'd given Bruce rang.

Jason froze, Marinette jumped up and ran to get it.

He couldn't move as she walked over and put the phone on speaker, she grabbed his hand and he held onto her for dear life.

"We can both hear you now, Nightwing," she said.

There was a beat of silence on the other side of the line, "Can he- If you're- can I speak to him? In- um- private?"

Marinette looked at him, and he nodded. She took the phone off speaker and handed it to him.

He held it up to his ear and squeezed his eyes shut, focusing on the circles Marinette were drawing on his hand with her thumb.

"He- hey Dick," he said. He heard his brother's breathing hitch, followed by a few seconds of silence.

"When did Batman find you?"

"25th May 2017,"

"Who's your favourite author?"

"Mary Shelley tied with Jane Austin,” he replied.

Dick stayed silent for too long and before he could stop himself the words fell from his mouth, desperation clinging to each syllable,” My favourite- my favourite playwright is Shakespeare, and my favourite school subject is English. If I could pick any day job it would be being a writer. My favourite colour is blue. Alfred has a secret fear of dolphins. You have had a ridiculously huge crush on Barbara for years and she had no idea, and I found a picture you drew under your old room's bedside table of you two getting married. I folded the picture up and hid it in a small box of memories I kept in the farthest corner of my closet under clothes I never wore. I have a round scar on the lower left side of my back where Willis Todd burned me with a cigarette when I was 5 that you don’t know I know you know about. My first Christmas at the manor you found me in the rose garden cutting a few off to take to my mother's grave and I was terrified that you would yell at me but instead you drove me to the graveyard and that was the day I decided to give you a real chance. I despise carrots but I eat them when Alfred makes them because I don't want to be a burden. And I-," he choked on a sob- when had he started crying?

He took a shuddering breath, and swallowed some of his tears, trying to make sure the words got out right, "I've missed you guys for every single second that I've been gone,"

His stomach tied itself up in a million knots as the silence stretched on. He could hear Dick moving the phone.

"Can I speak to Ladybug again please?" A female voice he didn't recognize said.

He handed the phone to Marinette and pressed his hand over his mouth to try to contain the sobs. He felt like a knife was twisting his stomach. He couldn't even hear what Marinette was saying. (I’m going through something irl and as a result u guys get to read angst by the bucketloads and I regret nothing)

Dick didn't want to talk to him. He should've just answered the question, he shouldn't have given all the extra information. Now they were never going to believe that it's really him and he would never see them again. Maybe they knew it was him and they just didn't want him-

"Jason, breathe with me," he heard Marinette's voice. His eyes latched onto hers like a lifeline, he became aware of her hands holding his.

She took his face in her hands and rested her forehead against his, in a motion so familiar that it came as easy as breathing. Well as easy as it usually was to breathe, right now excluded.

After he calmed down, she explained to him what they discussed. They would go to Gotham and meet and discuss things from there.

They wanted to meet him, but they still didn’t completely believe that it was him. He knew this for a fact because they had organized for M’gann to be there to confirm what he was saying. (Yassss M'gann my darling girl, I adore out lil Martian)

Marinette had suggested that they meet in the Batcave in an hour. Everyone had agreed. He assumed she had a plan as to why she wanted to wait. And he trusted her, so he waited for her to explain.

“I want to take the team, as backup. If you’re not comfortable with it, I want to at least take Luka. I would suggest just letting one of us wield is miraculous, but his Second Chance Timer limit is an hour so it would be most beneficial,” she said, gesturing with the hand that wasn’t holding his.

He nodded, sitting up straighter, but not releasing his grip on her hand, “We can bring the team, it’s smart to have backup. Besides if things go haywire, we have Luka to stop us.”

“Then let’s go get our team, love,”

(oh, I should probably mention that only he and LB knows everyone’s Identities. Or well rather no one knows like officially. Like everyone lowkey knows everyone's and a few of them have officially revealed themselves to each other, but not everyone is officially revealed to everyone and Mari and Jason are the only ones who aren’t officially revealed to anyone else, it’s kinda like the vibes of knowing your best friend is queer but not saying anything because they haven’t officially come out yet but like you know because they ain’t nearly as subtle as they think. Like that aesthetic.)

Anyway, 50 minutes later, they’re all gathered on the Eiffel Tower. Jason saw Marinette give Luka a nod to reset his timer. Suddenly he was enveloped in a light with a scratch that wasn’t there a few seconds before on his cheek, his expression quite annoyed.

Marinette immediately furrowed her brows, “How many times?”

Viperion shook his head, “Don’t worry, only one so far, but they try to restrain us. We’re gonna have to try plan b this time,” Everyone nodded, they waited two minutes before the agreed upon time and Mari opened a portal, but instead of appearing out in the opened, they hid in the shadowy parts of the cave.

Jason used his illusion to hide them from any observant eyes and they spread out a bit. He and Mari stayed together, Cloe flew to get a higher perspective and hide Viperion on one of the cave’s many ledges while Chat just moved a few feet away to have a slightly different hiding spot. Kagami dropped into her wind form and was flying above them to eavesdrop, she’d go to Luka if she heard anything of importance so he could go restart again.

They’d be one step ahead of the Bats no matter what they pulled, after all, they had all the time in the world.

They watched them all get into position as time neared. Jason didn’t know all the kids but recognized them from the news.

Dick, Bruce and M’gann stood near the bat computer with Barbara – who was in a wheelchair but that was a realization to deal with later- and Alfred.

The minute they were supposed to appear Jason cast another illusion to make it appear as though they had arrived. As expected, weapons and restraints immediately swarmed on them, each kid going for a different miraculous member. Too bad the images turned into orange dust as soon as they touched them.

The tiny one in the Robin uniform was red in the face and immediately started throwing a tantrum, “Father! They’ve tricked us-,”

Before he could get another word out, Chloe mass-venomed the horde of kids that we’re sent to attack them. He counted Black bat, Red Robin, Batgirl, Signal and Robin. They were all frozen in the middle of the room and before the others near the computer could move, Kagami trapped them in a (rather large) ring of fire. They had enough space to move around comfortably but if they tried approaching the edge the flames would grow larger.

Batman growled and his eyes searched through the cave, but he wouldn’t see them, no matter how hard he searched.

Jason stared at them. Dick was also searching the cave, but he seemed to look more hopeful than angry. Alfred seemed his usual calm self and Barbara was glancing around the cave more subtly. He didn’t bother looking at the rest of the batkids because M’gann was staring right at him, staying right where she was despite her ability to fly.

“Hi, Jason,” she softly spoke into his mind, he felt emotion overwhelm him, she’d known him before everything, and she knew it was him and it was a lot.

He knew she wasn’t probing around his brain for information like he was sure Bruce had asked her to, she didn’t have to, she knew it was him.

“Can you please tell me why we’re surrounded by fire?” she asked.

“We have a time traveller,” he replied.

“Ah, not a fan of Bruce’s restrain and question method, then? Can’t say I blame you, though I do think you’ve proven your point,”

“You really think it’s a good idea to release all of them?” he asked sceptically.

“… Good point. Maybe leave the brood in the middle in whatever frozen state they’re in and just let us in the fire out. They really just think it’s too good to be true… Jason, I won’t let them hurt you,”

“Okay,” he agreed softly. He turned to Marinette and gave her a slight nod. She returned with one of her own.

They walked over to Kagami’s ring of fire and he held their illusion until they were right in front of it. He held on to it for a bit to make sure everyone else would be able to stay in position. Chloe would keep the cavalry venomized and Chat and Viperion would stick to the shadows, unless necessary.

Jason dropped the illusion and watched four heads snap to him. M'gann simply gave him a soft smile and a nod of encouragement.

Kagami moved herself to stand next to Marinette and turned back into her human form, glaring at them with a silent warning.

Their attention was elsewhere, though. For a long time they just stood there and stared at one another in silence. They studied every part of one another they could see.

His eyes caught on Barbara’s wheelchair and he felt ready to destroy whatever put her there. She met his eyes and he held her gaze. She must’ve seen something there because she gave a small smile as she allowed a few tears to escape her eyes.

“Miss Martian?” Batman broke the silence like a cheap dinner plate, shattering it in a matter of seconds.

“It’s him,” M’gann answered without a hint of hesitation.

It was Alfred that moved first. He took a few hesitant steps towards him and before Jason knew it the man was in front of him. Alfred reached out and put a hand on his shoulder, desperately studying him for a moment before pulling him into a hug only Alfred could give.

It took Jason a moment to respond but when he did he returned it wholeheartedly.

After a few minutes they pulled apart and it took him a moment to realize that they’d both started crying. When he looked up Dick was only a few feet away. The moment Alfred stepped away Dick pulled him close.

“I thought you were dead, kid. I thought I’d never see you again, I thought I lost even more family. You were too young, too innocent. Fuck Jason,” Dick whispered, tightening his grip, “I’m so glad you’re alive,”

Jason held on to his brother and that night they cried about terrible endings and broken beginnings. They cried about lost time and found family.

It wasn’t the end yet, Hawkmoth was still terrorizing Paris and he had no idea what Bruce thought yet. There were all his other kids, his brothers and sisters. There were his teammates and the incredible story of how he’d been turned into a bee of all things.

They had a lot of catching up to do.

But just for a moment, a strand of a singular moment, he had his brother in his arms again and he was back home. His first real home.

Things weren’t perfect, as things rarely are but it didn’t matter. Because part of the beauty of life is how it builds and breaks us in a cycle of love and loss.

And that night they laughed with a lightness and joy none of them had fully been able to hold onto in years.

 I hope you guys enjoyed!

This is lowkey totally gonna be the au I go to when I don’t know what to write lol, maybe write a bit of what happens afterwards or a part of everything during the year he lived with Mari them or just y’know shenanigans

[bi-dazai]

okay while we're on the subject of eating healthy and exercising, I want to vent/talk about weight loss. This is gonna be a rly controversial, very personal and extremely long post but I do want to make a point. I'm not going to discuss every fucking nuance of haes or my EDs. But for clarity, know that my eds are complicated and were mostly osfeds - minor anorexia osfed in high school and bed osfed when I was 18-19. after i realised how fat i was the minor anorexia came back and over the pandemic it became full scale anorexia nervosa.

I'm 5'3. The healthy weight range I should be in is in the high 40s-low 50s. I went up to TWICE that by the time I was just nineteen years old. It wasn't fun being fat. I consumed as much fat acceptance, fat activism content as I could, I pretended I was confident and happy even when I was fat. But I wasn't. Because people don't just get obese accidentally. A little overweight, yes. But obese? No. You get obese from depression, from giving up. You don't want to move so you don't. You're sad all the time, and the body positivity circles say eat comfort food, whatever and as much as it makes you feel better!! Do you know what that is? That's encouragement of BED. Do not say that. Because I did that. I ate sugar and junk food, I was still depressed.

I was reading these posts that were claiming fat people shouldn't be weighed at the doctor, that your weight shouldn't count, that BMI is incorrect and doesn't matter, etc etc. There were posts saying that they got "perfect bloodwork" (what even is that? I knew that was wrong, I've had chronic iron deficiency for a decade!) even though they were fat, so they had to be healthy, right? I got shown pictures of obese ballerinas and obese weightlifters blah blah blah. And I grew and grew, and I got to almost 85kg on the fast track to 100kg before reality smacked me in the face and I realised I was shortening my lifespan by decades.

Here's what it was like being obese!

- joint pain, constantly

- could barely walk anywhere without feeling out of breath

- couldn't find any fashionable, good quality clothes (plus size stores either carry unfashionable clothing, or fashionable but cheap quality clothing. I don't like to waste money on cheap clothes)

- more acne than I'd had in years

- oily skin

- more difficulty feeling "full"

- JOINT FUCKING PAIN

- rashes from skin rubbing against skin!

- even larger chest, making me MORE dysphoric

- back pain!!

- snoring - this is not just embarrassing. This is potentially deadly.

- DYSPHORIA

- KNEES. JOINT PAIN.

- DYSPHORIA

this was just things I felt physically, noticeably! The things that my fat was doing on the inside was even worse. Fat isn't just this layer of packing peanuts that appears on top of you. It coats your organs. It gets everywhere. It makes your entire body run worse.

Fat also makes it much more likely for you to not just GET cancer, but it it also makes it harder to FIGHT cancer. Being obese makes almost every single goddamn sickness on the planet worse because when you have THAT MUCH fat tissue the hormones and shit it secretes fucks EVERYTHING up.

Yes there are obese bodybuilders. Yes there are obese ballerinas. Let's talk about those two.

There are plenty of drs and dieticians who have pointed out the obvious - if an obese person was really, actually eating healthily and exercising every day, they would not stay obese forever. Its not magic, it's thermodynamics. CICO done right works for everyone. If you are eating healthy, appropriate portions for weight loss at your TDEE and exercising it would literally be IMPOSSIBLE for you not to lose weight!! Even more the heavier you are because when you exercise you carry around a lot more weight.

Obese weightlifters are still obese. They are not proof you can be obese and healthy. They are still going to die younger if they do not lose weight.

Let's talk about fat ballerinas. The only ones I've seen are trainee ballerinas, not professional ones. And their performance looks impressive at first, until you look closer. You notice their balance is never quite perfect, their control can be amazing and the best ever but they'll still be off. Why? Because fat moves around with your movement, and it displaces your balance and your line of movement. It's simply not possible to do something like ballet dancing as a fat person without risking major injury as well. En pointe is already stupid dangerous for the skinniest ballerina. Going en pointe at anything above 60kg is going to get progressively suckier the heavier you go. And god help your ankles because falling down will always end in a major injury.

I'm so fucking done with "fat acceptance". I'm tired of "body positivity" being a movement about obese middle-upper class white women and not about scars and disabilities etc like it was focused on in the start. I have no problems with Health at Every Size - every person should feel happy to workout, to eat healthy. I have no problem raising issue with people bullying others for their weight as well. That's wrong. But pretending that it's Healthy at Every Size is a fucking lie, and it's one that could've sentenced me to an early death. Healthy at Every Size said I was condemned to joint pain and oily skin and depression and exhaustion for the rest of my life based on cherrypicked sentences from studies that didn't agree with them. That "95% of diets fail" sentence in particular drives me up the wall. You don't need a diet to lose weight, you need healthy CICO, you need to eat below your TDEE, you need to eat healthy, and you need to exercise. All you have to do at first is go on a 10-20 minute walk, whatever pace you like, a few times a week.

You can BE fit, you CAN lose weight! You are not sentenced to having joint pain and an increased risk for cancer and a less effective COVID vaccine for life. You can change your body in incredibly ways. You have no idea what you are capable of.

There's this myth that weight loss takes keto and shakes and diet pills and crash diets etc. It doesn't. All it is is making sure you eat less than your TDEE, eating HEALTHY calories, and getting your heartrate up by exercising at least 175 minutes a week.

The human body is not meant to be obese. There's no such thing as a set point weight. There's CICO, there's nutrition, there's making sure your muscles dont atrophy. Weight loss and fitness isn't some magic thing that youre just born able to do. I was lazy throughout my entire teens. I thought fitness was something the popular girls did. It's not. It's for everyone. and everyone, especially in places with an obesity epidemic such as the US, UK, and Australia, should make use of it. It's a good thing. Walking is one of the best things you can do for your body, and it's incredibly rewarding in every way. Eating healthy and not eating until you feel like you're going to burst is rewarding in every way. And it's not like you can't ever have junk food again, you just have to limit it to a treat, a once or twice per week thing. And honestly, it makes it much more enjoyable that way.

Now I want to talk a little about my anorexia. My weight loss journey came to anorexia. This is because it was an eating disorder I'd had for a long time. I did not see a trainer or dietician, and I consciously decided to push myself too far. I consciously decide to eat less and exercise more when I am starving. This is not something that just happens because someone is eating at 1200cals. It happens because you have an eating disorder which you are born with. Saying people who eat 1200cals of healthy food a day and exercise right are "anorexic" is so fucking insulting to everyone involved. It's ableist and ignorant. 1200cals is also a pretty generous amount for anorexic ppl to eat. That's close to a binge in ED standards, so that should give you a reference for how offbase saying 1200cals is "anorexic" is.

My anorexia is healthy habits pushed into eating disorder territory. I eat healthy, yes, but I don't eat enough. I exercise, yes, but I often push myself too far when I'm already lacking energy. The advice I give people for health is correct, and I'm never going to go around saying "eat less than 1200cals" as weightloss advice. Eat less, sure, but there's a limit. Calorie counting is a good thing to do, tracking your macros and nutrients is good. But I do it too much.

I know what's healthy, a lot of ppl with restrictive and purgative EDs do. People with EDs can give some awesome health advice, we just can't follow it because we have a mental disorder. Believe it or not people with EDs discussing their EDs are not "pro-ana", pointing out that anorexia and people with anorexia are real and not some boogeyman you use to justify not losing weight and eating healthy is not pro-ana. Anorexia existing is not pro-ana and anorexics being anorexic has nothing to do with fatphobia.

this post is a rambling mess but i rly had to get some stuff clear on how I feel abt this stuff because it's getting concerning how much unhealthy shit, and then straight up ableist shit, that the fat acceptance crowd spews out.

A little exercise won't kill you, eating healthy won't kill you. You are not sentenced to ugly plus size fashion and joint pain and being out of breath for the rest of your life. Leave the Healthy at Every Size death cult and join the Health at Every Size movement. Let the doctor take your weight (it IS medically necessary). acknowledge that you are obese and it is affecting your health. It's scary but it can be the start of a new, healthy beginning. It was for me.

Losing 15kg has been the best thing in my life. Sure, the anorexia is there enjoying it for one reason. But the reason I truly enjoy it is because I've discovered what a healthier body feels like. I've discovered the joys of exercise, I've discovered the joys of eating healthy. I can fit nice clothes now. And I'm still overweight! I'm 66kg, that's 4kg away from the barest minimum acceptable healthy bmi. But I feel so so much better. I look better. I have a jawline! Good skin! Energy! It didn't fix me but it sure made me a hell of a lot better.

Please please try and eat healthy, eat an appropriate amount, go for walks. It's so so good, and if you do it right you WILL lose weight. You'll live past 50. You'll get to explore the world in a way you couldn't when going up stairs had you out of breath. You'll fit into that nice skirt you've been looking at. Your skin will clear up. You'll have energy and your mental health will improve.

It's so so fucking worth it to put effort into your health, like I cannot emphasise this enough. Please do it, I wish I could tell myself this when I was binging on junk because the FA crowd told me it was valid to comfort eat until I hurt.

[abluescarfonwaston]

Shapeshifter Au 6

Heads up at the top this one is our “Last Wish Special”. It’s extra long and what should be no surprise to anyone- Jaskier does not have a good time! Please take care of yourselves as we move into plot territory.

Part 1   Part 5 Inspired by @spielzeugkaiser art here And Also now on Ao3 cause that’s probably easier for everyone.

Sometimes, when Geralt got hurt, he’d use his shapes against him.

Help was the word he’d use. To help him. But if Geralt preferred to think of him using his shapes against him then so be it.

“Get off me Jaskier.”

He looked down his snout at Geralt and grumbled his reply before returning to his composing. They would at very least wait until the bleeding stopped to ride back. Since Geralt insisted the injuries were not so grievous as to require proper attention.

He might very well have been right about that. Which meant they could afford to wait for it to stop before returning for the reward.

If Geralt wanted to treat his wounds then he’d let him. But he wasn’t going to let him ride off and make everything worse because he was a stubborn ass. That was Jaskier’s job. Being a stubborn ass. Not that he made a habit of being farm animals. The risk it would sour him to the taste of their meat was far too great. He refused to be vegetarian. Grass just did not taste very good. No matter what Roach claimed.

“Jaskier get off me or I will throw you off.”

He shifted more of his near 400 pound weight onto Geralt’s torso to demonstrate exactly what he thought about that.

“I can.” He growled.

He puffed up his fur telling him exactly what would happen if he tried.

He had bigger forms yet. If that’s how he wanted to play- well. He wouldn’t bet on Geralt winning. Witcher enhancements be damned.

Geralt, seemingly having realized this, ceased his struggling and ventured a new tactic.

Insulting him.

Which got him grumbling and growling at Geralt. But didn’t get him off him. Geralt knew well enough what he was saying. He didn’t need to transform to express his displeasure.

Geralt, a versatile and clever man, switch tactics yet again.

Reciting history facts but slightly wrong- the year was 1123 and he was a duke not a prince Geralt- asking questions about agriculture – cereal crops deplete the soil of nitrogen. Legumes fix this. A fallow field is left for weeds and grazing. The three fields are rotated. Together this system allows farmers to plant more crops and increase production. – and finally just asking him to play for him.

He, personally, admitted that his bear vocals left something to be desired but he didn’t let that stop him from belting out a few heavily modified versions of his favorite tunes.

Geralt covered his ears and glared at him.

It was only after three verses of Fishmonger’s daughter that he finally popped down into his human shape to do the finale justice.

Geralt shoved him off breaking his sustained note.

“Rude.” He squawked from the dirt as Geralt stood.

“I stopped bleeding three songs ago!” He growled at him.

“I’m well aware.” He grinned. “But I do so enjoy a captive audience.”

Geralt threw the bedroll at his head. Which did hit him. But he managed to catch it on the rebound, which counted as a win in his books.

“I don’t need you mothering me bard.”

“Is that what you think this is? I’m trying to keep Nenneke from murdering me next time you need her services. The woman terrifies me Geralt.”

She did. A little. Not in the way he suspected she expected to be feared though.

It was because her eyes always held too many questions about why he’d arrived before Geralt, knowing exactly the condition of the man’s wounds, even though he lacked a horse while Geralt road in on Roach.

He’d fly ahead, unhampered by the twisting of the roads, and set them to prepare for Geralt’s arrival. Or, when the situation was far graver, have them send a cart to meet him. Transforming on the road just outside of the temples view.

His skin itched when she stared at him too long. Like she almost knew what he was and if she watched him closely enough she might figure it out.

Luckily, “I mean the woman already hates me Geralt.” She was easy to annoy into not looking closely. “No need to worsen her to me by damaging the one reason she even tolerates my presence at the temple.”

If all she wanted to see was an airheaded flop of a bard that was all he would show her. Staying within the confines of expectations worked well enough to keep people from digging.

“She does hate you.” Geralt agreed with a smirk. Pleased he’d befriended someone Jaskier had not.

“Naaaah deep down she likes me.”

Geralt bobbed his head, half conceding the point.

People were complicated like that. She hated Most of him. But she liked that he cared about Geralt. Even if she didn’t always agree with how he cared about Geralt.

With how they cared for each other.

So maybe he shouldn’t have poked the insomniatic bear that was Geralt as he dredged up the lake at Rinde. But he was a bear often enough and he didn’t mind being poked. Sometimes Geralt needed to buck up and face his problems head on!

Then his throat started closing.

Which was scary. Sure. But there were plenty of forms that didn’t need his throat to breath. He’d play catfish or pike or bream or – he was just listing fish again- something while Geralt sorted out the curse the djinn smacked him with.

Except.

Except none of them would come.

He tried to shift bigger and his skin pulled too tight like it was yanking away from the muscle and he tried to shift down and his organs compressed in his chest. And he was left folded over in pain from his throat and his lungs and from being trapped.

Trapped in one form. Perhaps forever.

“Can you shift?” Geralt asked him, looking between him and Roach. Debating.

He managed a ragged sob that Geralt translated as the ‘no’ it was.

There was the bumpy ride on Roach- poor girl they weighed far too much together- and the elf with the painkillers – which helped a little. But the world continued its painful descent into darkness.

Geralt was scruffing him by the doublet. Dragging his limp form. Somewhere. He liked being scruffed. It reminded him of the old mouser in the kitchen who’d claimed him as kin when he was barely a boy. Whenever he got in trouble, or was lonely, or scared he’d just run to the old tom and pop down into a kitten. Instantly be scruffed and pulled under the cabinet for a bath and cuddle.

Scruffing meant that soon everything would be okay. He was in pain and terrified but soon. Soon everything would be alright.

 Everything was not alright.

There was a very scary woman with an amphora on her belly and-

And she was a mage.

A powerful mage.

Something in him was singing. Singing at her notice. Her attention.

He didn’t much like that part of him.

His knees near buckled under him as she gripped his nethers and pressed a knife to his throat.

“If you want to keep all you have familiar,” She squeezed him tighter. The singing and terror crescendo-ing in his ears. What do you want me to be? It sung, heart racing in his chest. “Make a damn wish.”

He reached. Reached for. Something. Some shape that would get her away. Small or big or cute or monsterous or something.

Her magic threw him to the floor and it crackled over his skin- she wants you to be human so that is what you shall be – lighting up every nerve with delicious power – do as she says. So that the powerful one might keep you – and burning the tapestry of thread he didn’t know was woven underneath his skin.

“Make your damn wish! Do it now!”

This one is better. Powerful. Be what she wants. “I don’t- I don’t know!” Lightning ran through his veins and fire blazed through his chest and- and- Be her’s. Wish to be hers. Exalted one.

He didn’t want that.

“I wish very much to leave this place forever!”

She turned from him, the burning fading. The singing loud in his ears. Scolding, screaming, begging him to go back to her as he scrambled from the building.

And Geralt was there.

Geralt was alive.

Geralt left him to that witch.

“Jaskier. You’re okay.”

“I’m glad to hear that you give a monkey’s about it.” He fumed.

The singing was quieter now. The smoldering in his chest easing next to Geralt-

Geralt was going back inside.

The building collapsing.

“She could not have survived it.” The elf from earlier- Chireadan- said.

There was coldness in the shape of the lightning flowing through his veins. Ashes in the stitching of his soul where Geralt once resided.

“Why did Geralt go in there? It doesn’t make any sense. What, to save a mad fucking witch?”

“Because she was magnificent.”

She was. The song wept.

His knees hit the ground, the pain of the gravel collision distant, over the shapeless void that pulled him to nothing.

“What am I supposed to do now, hm?” What would be left when this form collapsed into the emptiness in his chest? “It wasn’t supposed to go this way.”

You should have died with him.

No.

“I’m gonna write you. The best song. So that everyone remembers who you were, what we did, everything we saw.” There was a lifetime there. In the spaces they shared. Not a human lifespan perhaps. But it wasn’t like he was human anyway. “And I will sing it. For the rest of my days.”

“He always said I had the most wonderful singing voice.”

A joke. Between him and a dead man.

If he wanted to correct him he should have stayed alive.

Chireadan knelt before him, laying a hand on his shoulder. A tiny beat of comfort in a symphony of pain.

“They’re alive.”

They were very alive.

He ran his fingers down Roach’s neck, unsure how he was supposed to feel.

Relief that Geralt was alive? Jealously that he’d gone to Yennefer? Jealously she choose him over you?

Anger?

Joy?

Hollow. He felt hollow.

Roach nudged him.

He was nearly draped over her.

He wanted that old tom cat to scruff him and pull him under the cabinet. To lick and squish and purr him back to whole.

What would he be if he shifted now?

Nothing. It called to him that nothing.

Nothing wasn’t a shape. Nothing wasn’t Jaskier. Jaskier wasn’t nothing.

Still it called to him.

Roach lipped at a saddlebag. The one he’d nested in as his wing healed.

He shoved his bloody shirt in as a makeshift nest and fluttered in.

If Geralt wanted his peace he could dump him on the side of the road.

Until then. He breathed in the way the leather bag blended Roach and Geralt into itself and fell asleep.

 He drifted back to the shores of sleep welcomed by the gentlest smoothing of his feathers.

He readjusted, further nesting into the callouses of Geralt’s hand.

“I thought.” The pain in Geralt’s hesitating voice forced his eyes open. “That the djinn took your voice and your shifting from you.”

Geralt was laying down on their bedroll watching him with those big sad eyes. Which hurt.

But not as much as the fact Geralt had stopped petting him. He shifted into Geralt’s petting hand demanding he get back to work with a sharp chirp.

Geralt resumed his gentle stroking, lips twitching slightly upward. “So bossy.” He complained.

They laid there as the sun went down; quiet and exhausted.

“We used to do this a lot. When your wing was broken. It was nice.”

He softly trilled an agreement.

“I could smell you on Roach when I got back you know? I thought you had left. I understand if you’d left. After what I did.”

He blinked tiredly at Geralt before standing to shift up. He didn’t want to have this conversation now but if Geralt did then. Well then they’d have it now.

“Don’t.” Geralt’s hands shifted slightly, like they were caging him in. They weren’t. He knew he could get out. Knew that if he wanted to leave Geralt would let him.

He settled back into Geralt’s fingers, more than happy not to.

“Tonight. Can we be that again? Just for tonight.”

Be simple. Be easy.

Nenneke always scolded Geralt for thinking he could deny destiny. Because she cared about him and knew destiny would have her way, willingly or not. It would he agreed. Geralt couldn’t run away from her forever.

But he did help him run away from it. Sometimes. Like tonight?

Tonight destiny could go fuck itself.

Tonight they were just a bird and a man sharing each other’s company.

Tonight they were easy.

[osakaso5]

Spirit Kaleidoscope: Empty Absolution

Chapter 20 - The Truth About Ungaikyo

Chapter Index

Outside Hikagemachi

Sana: We've done it... We've done it! The kaleidoscope... We've finally gotten our hands on it!

Azuma: We can really do it when we try. Katanashu are just humans. There was no point in fearing them.

Hokuto: ...What're you boasting for? We had to sneak into their camp under the guise of bringing gifts.

Sana: It's a good thing the kaleidoscope was in there! It was a bit difficult to snatch, since the shikigami wouldn't let it go...

Azuma: They were so violent that I had to tie them up on the pillars.

Sana: You're so good with your hands, Azuma-san! They were such pretty butterfly knots, perfectly even...

Azuma: Hehe.

Hokuto: ...I just hope the katanashu won't find out...

Sana: In any case, we've finally done it! We have the kaleidoscope..!

Sana: Now, we'll finally be able to see Shisei-san's sins.

Shisei: ........

Hokuto: We really kept you waiting, Shisei. Luckily this was just a small detour. ...Are you ready?

Shisei: ........ Are you really going to look into that kaleidoscope..?

Hokuto: What's wrong? Are you getting cold feet now, after we finally got you the kaleidoscope?

Shisei: I know you did, but...

Sana: ...Shisei-san...

Azuma: Shisei. I understand that you're frightened. I'm sure no one wants to see their own sins. It's like a self-inflicted punishment.

Azuma: And you've been holed up  in that grotto until you lost all memory. ...You could still continue avoiding your troubles.

Sana: Azuma-san...

Azuma: But if you keep doing that, you'll stay the same. Didn't you leave the grotto in order to change something?

Shisei: ........

Sana: Exactly, Shisei-san! We don't want to watch you suffer alone for even a moment longer.

Sana: It may be scary, even painful... But knowing your sins might change something..!

Shisei: Sana...

Hokuto: It'll be fine, Shisei. No matter how scary your sins are, we'll bear them with you.

Hokuto: If my tiger's claws tear them into four pieces, they'll be a little lighter.

Azuma: Right. We've got my dog's fangs, too.

Sana: And my boar's tusks..!

Shisei: ...You three... ........

Shisei: Very well... I was the one who didn't stop you from hunting down the kaleidoscope in the first place...

Shisei: ...Look at me. Look at me through the kaleidoscope...

Sana: Shisei-san! ...Yes..!

Azuma: ...Hokuto, go on. Get the kaleidoscope.

Hokuto: ...I'm going to look into it..?

Azuma: Who else? You bothered Shisei about leaving the grotto more than any of us.

Azuma: ...We're counting on you.

Sana: Please..!

Hokuto: ........ Yeah, okay.

Hokuto: Here I go...

Shisei: ...Yes.

- - - -

Hokuto: ......... ...This is...

Sana: ...Hokuto-san, what's the matter? Do you see something?

Hokuto: ........

Azuma: ...Hokuto! Why have you gone so quiet!? Say something..!

Hokuto: ...I can't see a thing...

Azuma & Sana: Huh!?

Azuma: Nothing... That can't be. That kaleidoscope is supposed to show the sins of whoever you see through it, right?

Sana: ...Ah, I know! If you can't see anything... Then it must mean that Shisei-san really is innocent!

Hokuto: ...No, that's not it... How should I put this...

Hokuto: It's not that I saw nothing. When you look into this kaleidoscope, you see your surroundings reflected and glittering inside.

Hokuto: I did see Shisei. ...But that's it. I didn't see sins or anything like that.

Hokuto: ........ It's like this kaleidoscope is...

Shisei: I knew it...

Hokuto: ...You knew..?

Shisei: ...That kaleidoscope doesn't have any kind of power... It can't show sins...

Shisei: Because it's just a toy...

Azuma: .....! What?

Sana: W-what do you mean..? Just a toy...

Shisei: I mean exactly what I said. It's nothing more than a plaything. I had a hunch that this might've been the case...

Shisei: Because Ungaikyo... The owner of this kaleidoscope,  is just an ordinary human.

Forest Plaza - Stage

Momiji & Ungaikyo: ........

Yokai: Ungaikyo took out a sword!

Yokai: Can he use a blade..? He's such a strange yokai.

Yokai: ...Hey, hold on. If Ungaikyo has a sword, does that mean that he went around attacking all those people..?

Yokai: ...Attacking?

Yokai: What're you talking about?

Yokai: Come to think of it, something like that did happen...

Yokai: ...Oh well, boring stuff like that doesn't matter! We're right in the middle of a festival right now!

Yokai: Hahaha! That's right! This final battle's gonna be a real sight to see!

The Yokai: Aaaaagh...!

Uta: ...Huh!? They don't even care about the attacks... What are those yokai talking about!?

Uta: Wasn't this tournament set up to prove that we weren't responsible for those attacks, anyway!?

Uta: So, why...

Aoi: ...I told you, didn't I? The yokai just want to cause chaos.

Uta: But...

Aoi: Yokai are ephemeral beings. All they care about is momentary enjoyment. They're completely different from us humans.

Aoi: Sadness, happiness, anger, and crime... The longer you live, the less any of those things affect you. You're detached from everything in perpetuity.

Uta: ...In other words, they're just killing time, and we got dragged into it?

Aoi: Yes. That's what I've been saying this whole time.

Uta: Unbelievable... ........

Uta: I became a katanashu and got sent here... And I thought I knew what yokai are like pretty well...

Uta: ...But they really are scary.

Aoi: ...Yeah. 

- - - -

Momiji: .........

Momiji: ...From the moment Ungaikyo pointed his blade at me, my hands have been shaking nonstop... What is this..?

Momiji: Is it because I'm nervous about the match? ...But this isn't my first time crossing swords with someone.

Momiji: ...It's because my opponent is Ungaikyo... Why am I so fascinated by this one yokai..?

- - - -

Fuuka: Pretty...

- - - -

Momiji: ........ That kaleidoscope again...

Ungaikyo: ...Kaleidoscope?

Momiji: ...I can't get it out of my head. Your reflection in the kaleidoscope... And dazzlingly bright, red autumn leaves...

Momiji: When I remember that sight, I...

Momiji: ...I'm filled with an unbearable urge to cut you down..!

Ungaikyo: ...Haha. You really are scary... Fuu... no wait, you go by Momiji now.

Ungaikyo: Why did it have to be "Momiji"... You should've picked a different name.

Momiji: .........

Ungaikyo: You're just as scary as you were back then... But I kinda envy you.

Momiji: ...Envy me?

Ungaikyo: I wish I could've felt the way you do. Wanted to fight someone, cut them down.

Ungaikyo: If I had... I could've stayed in the castle and fought instead of running from my enemies.

Momiji: Castle..? What are you talking about..?

Ungaikyo: I wouldn't have gotten scared... Even though the castle was on fire, everyone else was dead, and I was all alone.

Ungaikyo: ...I could've fought your family and fallen like the others..!

Momiji: ........

Ungaikyo: Momiji. You're my enemy.

Momiji: ...Enemy..?

Ungaikyo: ...My family was destroyed by yours.

Momiji: ....... But you're a yokai... Why...

Karasutengu: He's not completely a yokai. He used to be a human just  like you, Momiji. I suppose you could  call him a half yokai?

Momiji: ........!

Ungaikyo: ...Karasutengu. Don't say anything you don't need to.

Karasutengu: What's the point in hiding it now?

Karasutengu: Let me tell you, Momiji. This guy's actually a samurai. Apparently he even used to be the successor to your entire country.

Karasutengu: I believe you humans now call it the Sengoku period? It was  a glorious era. That was when he was born.

Karasutengu: Though it seems his lands were destroyed by war.

Momiji: War...

Ungaikyo: ........

Karasutengu: He managed to scuttle out of his burning castle when he lost the war, but he no longer had a place to go.

Karasutengu: He wandered in the woods without food or water,   until he ended up in our world.

Ungaikyo: ...Don't talk like you know.

Karasutengu: I do know. I saw it with my abilities. War is great. Even it is a grand festival!

Ungaikyo: ...Tsk.

Karasutengu: But I wasn't the only one who had my eye on him. ...Ungaikyo was watching him, too.

Momiji: ...Ungaikyo..? What do you mean? Is this man not Ungaikyo..?

Karasutengu: No, he's not. Like I told you, he's originally just a human. Not a yokai.

Karasutengu: The real Ungaikyo is that round mirror our samurai is cradling as we speak.

Momiji: ...Huh..?

Karasutengu: Ungaikyo was the one who pulled this human into our world in the first place!

Karasutengu: Ungaikyo drew him here with phantoms of his comrades. Ever since then, this human's lifespan has been extended indefinitely.

Momiji: ...Why..?

Karasutengu: This guy is here for Ungaikyo's amusement. The old man's got a habit for peeping, you see.

Karasutengu: He amuses himself by watching the suffering of humans. That includes this man and his sin of not being able to fulfill his duty.

Karasutengu: An awful geezer, isn't he? I don't know why the samurai keeps humoring him...

Ungaikyo: That's enough..! ...As long as I cut this guy down and eliminate our enemy...

Ungaikyo: ...Everyone... Will finally forgive me..!

Momiji: ...Ungaikyo...

Ungaikyo: ...Momiji. I'll use this blade, which has been passed down in our family for years... To cut you down.

Momiji: ...He and I... Are enemies...

- - - -

Ungaikyo: ...Your hands are tiny. Like maple leaves.

- - - -

Momiji: ...Ugh..!

- - - -

Ungaikyo: If I look pretty to you, then that's my sin.

Ungaikyo: If you stay with me, we'll end up having to fight.

Ungaikyo: Your hands are tiny. Like maple leaves.

Ungaikyo: We're enemies, so---

- - - -

Momiji: ........ I see... I see now... ...I'm your enemy...

Momiji: ...Pfft. Fufu... Haha...

Ungaikyo: ...W-what are you laughing about..?

Momiji: I can't believe I forgot something so obvious... But now I remember everything.

Momiji: Everything about the day we met under that big maple tree...

To be continued...

[johannesviii]

The City of the Dead

Some A truckload of highlights of the last EDA I’ve read (The City of the Dead).

I took these screens while reading, along with my reactions. As usual, this is full of spoilers.

Okay, so, just imagine. In a parallel universe, one day, Clive Barker decided to write a Doctor Who story, and even if he tried to seriously tone down his usual mix of strange gore + weird sex + unusual magic, the result was still a bit too much for the series, but so good the BBC published it anyway.

Wouldn't that be great?

Now stop imagining, because it's a book written by Lloyd Rose, and it exists.

It's flawed. Of course. What book isn't? It sidelines Fitz and Anji near the end. Its twist could have used a bit of foreshadowing. It delights a bit too much in torturing Eight. But who cares, honestly. It still transported me in a world where there's real danger, and cute cats, and dark magic, and sugar donuts, and blood spells, and awful and weird and wonderful characters, and nightmares, and laughter. It's an experience, to say the least, and probably not for everybody, but my god, what a ride. 10/10

Okay, so, the only thing I know about this book is that I’ve got one friend who really likes it. And it’s by Lloyd Rose, aka the writer of Caerdroia. Will this book be weird too?

APPARENTLY YES. YES IT WILL. What a start.

Doctor, that’s called sleep paralysis. It might be scary, but nothing bad will actually happen to you, okay? Breathe.

Okay now I’m kind of nervous too.

[Unexpected Scherzo flashbacks]

That’s one of the most unnerving descriptions of Eight I’ve ever seen. Wonderful.

"I believe”

Oh don't start with the Earth Arc feelings...

RELATABLE

Museum of Magic? Take me there.

Art goals.

And the price for best out-of-context sentence goes to...

Excuse me, that's way too cool.

Also, it instantly made me think of which kind of bone I'd cut if I ever wanted to do this. Probably a toe.

So, magic is now a thing in this series. Hasn't been the case since The Scarlett Empress, I believe. Why do I get the feeling I'm gonna say 'that's way too cool' a lot over the course of this story?

I'm cackling

He really doesn't want to admit something's wrong.

Wait wait wait wait. What? The bone charm was in the TARDIS?

Doctor no.

Eight being distracted by donuts in the middle of a discussion about a murder, everybody!

A very nice beach

Hmmm cute? Cute.

The exact kind of offerings I'd like to get once I'm dead.

So, this story seems to be a murder mystery, and the goal is to find who the Magician is. I like it.

The Magician found Eight, then. Maybe he's the source of the nightmares?

Meanwhile, Eight tries to go to a goth party, and it's very awkward and relatable.

And Fitz and Anji are visiting New Orleans at night with a guy who pretends to be a magician, and Fitz keeps ruining his groove.

Swan, you're like a parody of a Mary Sue

GO UP

Meanwhile, Anji and Fitz both want to punch Dupre on the nose and I gotta say... me too.

Every conversation in this fandom ever

Guess that puts Dupre on the suspects list, then.

That sounds like the kind of ludicrously aggressive death electro thing I listen to when I need to use violent lines and colours in a drawing.

I guess we can also put Teddy-weird-artist-Acree on the list of suspects (even though his fear of going downstairs is a pretty good alibi). Also, bonus cat.

THIS CONVERSATION HAS ONLY JUST STARTED AND IT'S ALREADY GOLD

Eight's like "Hmmmm what makes people feel  better, OH I KNOW. CATS. HERE. HAVE A CAT."

THIS IS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER BY THE MINUTE

(mid-liveblog update: I drew that scene before I even finished the book.)

He literally ran away haha.

Teddy Acree is cracking me up, seriously wtf

A perfectly reasonable suggestion, Doctor.

ASDFGHJFF He vaguely remembers the Daleks so he finds saltshakers 'sinister', I'm dead

UNREQUESTED 'THE TURING TEST' FEELINGS

SHIT, THAT HURTS

'What if I'm nuts?' 'I'm rather counting on it'

Interesting.

Eight already regrets starting a discussion with Dupre.

THE UNREQUESTED 'THE TURING TEST' FEELINGS ARE BACK WITH A VENGEANCE

Oh my f█cking god

♫ DO THE CREEP ♫

Aaaaaand I think we can also put Thales on the suspects list.

GOOD SHIT GOOD SHIT

Eight, this is a bad idea.

I love how he's dodging Dupre every time that weirdo tries to touch him.

Also, that's a very relatable reaction.

Eight is like "okay no, I'm way too asexual for this"

THE DOCTOR HAD DECIDED IT WAS ABOUT TIME FOR HIM TO LEAVE

'Hadn't he'

Something was actually summoned??

Can you imagine going home in a corset with spikes because you were stuck in it? Lucky he was here, poor her.

Mood

BIG MOOD

Not exactly a revolutionary development, but interesting nonetheless.

Oooooh. His nightmares are actually trying to take him somewhere?

FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT IN THE BOOKS, EIGHT IS VERY CLAUSTROPHOBIC SO I'M PANICKING A LITTLE BIT TOO

SHIT HE FOUND SEVEN IN HIS LOCKED MEMORIES

He has no way of knowing that was a past version of him, has he?

Okay so the Magician isn't Dupre. Which... isn't very surprising.

‘AN IMP WITH TERRIBLE EYES’

Hey look it's the best meme from 2016

HARSHER IN HI̟͔͈̻͓̱ͅN͓͇͉̗̜D̤̼̻͙S̮̤̱͓I͓G͔͉̱͓̩̦̠H͕̲̯T͖̰͎

10/10 conversation

Thank you for clarifying, Doctor

HOLY SHIT

THIS IS SO COOL

I MEAN I HAD A FRIEND WHO WAS A TAROT NERD AS A KID, AND AAAAH LOOK, THAT'S ALL THE CLASSIC DOCTORS AS MAJOR ARCANA

Of course Seven is the Hanged Man OF COURSE EIGHT IS THE TOWER ASDFGFFH THE FIRST MEANING IS 'BRUTAL CHANGE, DISASTER AND IMPENDING DOOM'

Now I want to draw all these cards with the Doctors on them, haha.

I keep thinking about Twelve putting like ten spoons of sugar in his coffee.

This book is starting to break the record for the most "asexual Doctor" moments. And I’m 100% okay with that.

YOU DON'T SAY.

He also vaguely remembers Faction Paradox!

I love how patient Fitz can be with him when he's not well.

He's in the past now and trying to find the source of the problem. That may be interesting. Or it will just make everything more confusing.

And I think that child might be the Magician.

LOOK AT MY FAVORITE IDIOTS BEING HAPPY FOR ONCE

it won't last long

'Your blood smells funny'

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT she’s some sort of spirit what

UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE WEEK

I'd say 'somebody do something' but I'm sorry this is way too funny.

Probably.

Oh shit what the fuck. Is he planning to sacrifice him or something?

UH

UH

WHY DO I GET THE FEELING THIS SCENE WILL MAKE THE NUMBER OF LINES IN MY "EVERYTHING BAD HAPPENS TO THE EIGHTH DOCTOR" GOOGLE SHEET SKYROCKET

Eight might be the champion of gallows humor... but he's still starting to panic a little bit

The thing with the Doctor is, you know he can't die permanently since it would be the end of the series, but because he can't, they set the damage limit veeeery high, so a scene like this one is wayyy more stressful than it would be with a human main character.

Please be scared by the double heartbeat thing & let him go because I'm also starting to panic there.

THIS SCENE IS BOTH HORRIBLY STRESSFUL AND VERY FUNNY THIS IS CONFUSING

Meanwhile: what the f█ck is Fitz doing

Doctor please try to concentrate on a way to get the hell out of here

HE STILL HASN'T ESCAPED AND FITZ AND ANJI ARE WAY TOO FAR AWAY

UGH STOP MAKING ME LAUGH I'M TOO STRESSED FOR THAT

I SAID STOP IT

EIGHT STOP MAKING ME LAUGH THIS IS BAD

Meanwhile Fitz has decided to investigate a grave in the middle of the night, because why not, also I'm too stressed for that right now, go back to Eight

WHAT THE F█CK ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T GO DOWNSTAIRS WHAT THE F█CK

SHIT SHIT SHIT F█CK HE ACTUALLY DID IT F█CK

TEDDY YOU BASTARD

AQZSDFGHJGFFG F█CK

Meanwhile in the cemetery: I have a new suspect

Okay okay now back to Eight being sacrificed because holy shit

I was about to say 'if he could have done something, he would have done it sooner', but I just realised he expects the invocation to work, and call the thing which is chasing him in his nightmares.

Okay. Okay. That worked. Dupre's dead. Good. F█ck. That was so stressful. Also Eight is probably still bleeding all over the floor, but at least it's over.

TEDDY YOU LITTLE SHIT COME BACK & UNTIE HIM

ASDFGHJKHF

Was it really so difficult to tell the police someone was trying to sacrifice you for some bullshit ceremony? I'm sure they've seen worse.

HAHAHA THAT WHOLE HORRIBLE ORDEAL WAS WORTH IT JUST FOR THIS SCENE

Doctor, no

Asexual Doctor moment number 74612

Fair enough.

HE WAS STILL HIDING IN THE HOUSE

OH NO HAHA

GOOD. Thank you.

If the reveal is something like "hey it was the guy who died at the beginning" I'm gonna be angry.

I must admit no other character we saw so far is the right age to be the kid from the destroyed house. This is getting complicated.

SHIT. SHIT. I completely overlooked that. Good twist.

BAD TIMING BAD TIMING

Wait what the f█ck, if the Magician is attacking Eight right now, he can't be Thales. Who the hell is he, then.

WELL THIS IS NEW

And here we have Fitz trying to pretend he's interested in architecture.

Understandable after the recent events.

OUCH Were these feelings really necessary? I mean this book is intense enough as it is

Teddy is a little shit and at the same time it's impossible to 100% hate the guy, he's like a non-murderous version of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac

He was too obviously weird to be the Magician anyway.

Yeah, we know, Teddy, we watch that show

This whole conversation is gold.

OH SHIT

PLEASE TELL US WHO IT IS, THE SUSPECTS LIST IS NOW VERY THIN.

Wait, it's gonna be someone who already died, isn't it.

Perfectly confusing sentence, thank you Doctor.

Okay so, it's 100% confirmed, it's not Teddy. Not a surprise, but good.

STILL TOO SOON AFTER 23 BOOKS

Are they getting sidelined for the finale? Not sure I like that.

I'm cackling again

WHO IS IT

WHAT

WHAT

HE'S NOT THE RIGHT AGE TO BE THE KID OR THE FATHER WHAT

WHAT THE F█CK HE WASN'T EVEN ON MY RADAR

WELL PLAYED

Oooooooh, he sacrificed his lifespan and so he looks older. Nice trick. Well played.

ALSO I JUST REALISED IT'S THE SAME TWIST THAT THE GAME 'HEAVY RAIN' PULLED AND I FINISHED IT ONLY A FEW MONTHS AGO I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING BUT NO

Ah yes, clearly there wasn't enough physical pain in this book already.

"You don't sound very certain”

This book is so weird, in the best way possible.

Woah the Magician's house nearly works like a TARDIS.

I just had a revelation. Of course I love this book. It's almost a Clive Barker book.

WE FINALLY KNOW WHAT THE TATTOO WAS

I love this f█cking book so much.

I also love Eight's reaction to that reveal.

OH SHIT WHAT

RUST IS USING HIM AS A WEAPON TO CONTINUE HIS VENGEANCE AND RETRIEVE THE AMULET I LOVE THIS

HOLY SHIT EIGHT

He's gonna leave him to... weird swamp creatures which are supposed to guard him while Rust is away, and I'm sure everything is gonna be fine RIGHT

'It's as if there were somebody else living in here with me'

I KNEW IT THAT WAS A BAD IDEA

WHAT THE F█CK did the swamp things trapped him in an imaginary world?

How long has he been there??

Everytime there's a good scene about the contents of the Doctor's pockets in these books, there's a better one in one of the next books, I swear. But I still doubt this one can be beaten.

That explains so much about the random cup of tea Twelve had in the middle of Skaro in The Witch's Familiar, too.

Third screen about the contents of the Doctor's pocket, because I'm still not tired of that.

Mrs Flood has access to this place. Is it an actual place then?

Asexual Doctor moment number 87454

Mrs Flood, NO.

Wait a second, is this place some sort of fairy realm? Is that why he refuses to eat anything here except what's in his own pockets?

Are... are you attempting to escape this realm by walking

Oooh isn't that the cover of the book?

Good point. Also I'm glad they're back in the plot.

I'M HOWLING

FITZ NO

AZSDFGHJ ANJI NO

OH SHIT SHE GUESSED WHO THE MAGICIAN WAS?! GOOD JOB ANJI

Friendly reminder: I love these two idiots.

FITZ TRYING TO PILOT THE TARDIS, EVERYBODY

THEY ACTUALLY SUCCEEDED

So it WAS some sort of fairy realm, woah.

WAIT WHAT

SECOND TWIST WHAT

RUST ISN'T THE KID EIGHT HAS SAVED?

THALES? IT'S THALES??

Wait wait wait, Teddy said Thales wasn't human either, didn't he?

Ooooh Thales is another Naiad!!

OH SHIT OH F█CK OH LORD

EIGHT, PLEASE NEVER DO THAT AGAIN

So he really was using the Void to track Eight, after all. The nightmares about Nothing chasing him were entirely justified and not a metaphor at all!

HOLY SHIT EIGHT NO BAD PLAN

The finale of this book is literally the concept of Nothing saving the day while Eight literally yells into the uncaring infinity of the Void. What can I even say about that.

He doesn't belong in the Void after all, so it can't really claim him. That should convince him he's not a complete monster, after all. Good. Good and nice ending.

Oh that's even better.

Good.

[wearefatunicorn]

Sit Up And Listen, AI Predicted Trump And It’s Predicting Other Things Too!

Written by FATUnicorn for Huffington Post on 11/11/2016

I sit here writing this aghast at the results of this week. I, like many, was worried about the ‘what if’s’ around Trump. That being said, I was equally concerned about Clinton as well. Had I had the opportunity to vote, is the lesser of two evils really a vote at all?

The Millennials vote, Sanders, was long out of the game and, even with throwing his support behind Clinton, failed to sway the masses with over a third of the electorate in this category not really turning out at all, rather, they like others abstained from voting.

We are in a strange world right now, no longer are people comfortable with the status quo, and the democracies around the world are turning to fierce polarised leaders to ‘reset’ their countries and make a change.

And you know the crazy thing? Artificial Intelligence (AI), machines and software with no agenda, allegiance, heart or soul predicted it all... and we didn’t listen!

OK, let’s back up a little bit!

AI is an exciting world right now. However, like so many things in tech it is misunderstood by consumers. When you say Artificial Intelligence a lot of people think of a robot that talks to you, but actually it’s used almost constantly in daily life already. It is the process of any software learning and then creating outcomes based on this learning. The ads on Google and Facebook directed at you are AI as too are many video games when the enemies learn your tactics in order to out manoeuvre you. In fact, every day you are interacting with thousands of machines that are learning your every move, everything from what route you take on the Subway/Underground to the the groceries you purchase FreshDirect/Ocado. Make no mistake big brother is all around.

The fear that professors such as Stephen Hawkins have is that AI at some stage will become so intelligent that it re-programs itself, other systems around it and eventually starts to reproduce. Seeing humanity as an imperfection it will eventually, quickly and efficiently wipe us out in a Terminator/Matrix style way. They are likely right, which is a scary thought, and should this happen the process will be exponentially fast. That being said the reality is in the mean time we back in the less apocalyptic world need to get on with our lives!

The reason I believe Professor Hawkins’ theory (albeit not right now and hopefully outside my lifetime) is correct is down to our own stupidity and a total inability to think impartially on a subject.

It’s been well documented over the past few days that MogIA and AI system developed by Sanjiv Rai, correctly predicted not only that Trump would win, but also the fact he would win the primaries beforehand. In fact, the system was so confident it (and Sanjiv) called it back in October.

‘October?’ I hear you gasp, yep, the system Sanjiv developed has for the last 12 years correctly predicted all four elections in its lifespan. So a system smart enough to predict the last three election winners based on data it scraped from the internet unsurprisingly predicted the fourth as well and yet we didn’t take notice?

Come on human race we need to take note!

Perhaps it was because we weren’t impartial, or perhaps it was because we didn’t trust the software, but in either case it was right and we were wrong. This is an important point to note as this will be the eventual human demise as AI learns see these losses to us as imperfections.

The data for these marvellous predictions comes from the internet and MogIA looks at over 20 million data points from an array of sources like Google, Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube.

So do we think if it had more structured data sets, something a little more grounded that perhaps we might sit up and listen to it? Where might data like that be?

Well you don’t really need to look much further than the stock market for it too has an impressive 86% chance of predicting who is gonna win.

Michael Snyder wrote a blog post back in August that pointed out ‘if Standard & Poor’s 500 stocks go up during the last three months before an election, the incumbent party almost always keeps the White House’. This metric has been right for 19 of the last 22 elections with only three elections being wrong.

Needless to really say here but the last three months have not been good for the S&P 500 and again predicted the incumbent party would not keep the house.

So if MogIA used more, consistently strong data sets like this would we have taken more notice of this brilliant piece of engineering and take its advice?

I dare say pig headiness, doggedness and determination to drive our own agenda probably would have got in the way.

So with AI becoming such a strong feature of our daily lives what else will it be predicting for us in the future? Well, honestly virtually anything, my phone knows before I do which app I want to use, my fast food app already knows when I want pizza, and my taxi already knows where I want to get to. What I am fearful of is the stuff it is already planning for me that I don’t know ..... eeek!