#when i dont pay attention or whatever
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horrible truth bomb dropped on my head 20 min ago
#I DIDNT KNOW I DIDNT KNOWWWWW#when i say damn thats crazy its bc i DO think its crazy i think a lot of things are crazy. like how birds have cloacas#or the way ppl draw a five pointed star in different ways and everyone assumes their way of doing it is how everyone does it#my brother is not letting me live this down btw he literally shouted at me like HOW DID YOU LIVE THIS LONG AND NOT PICK UP ON THAT#IDK!!! IDK I THOUGHT SOMETIMES IT COULD BE USED TO EXPRESS GENUINE SHOCK??????#he says its my delivery that makes it sound insincere bc i say it in a monotonous voice which when i think abt it YEAH....#THAT DOES MAKE IT LOOK KINDA BAD IN HINDSIGHT.....#and then i told him i keep a list of phrases that tickle my brain so i can remember to use them in conversation and apparently#most ppl dont do that bc he was like ???? stop doing that??? just let the conversation flow naturally it sounds fake>????#idk man i feel like if i did that and blurted out 'i forgot people find stuff like underwear arousing for some reason' instead of#smth like 'i wonder what kind of ppl find this kind of stuff the bees knees' like i normally do. it would. not go so well.#ALSO THE FLOW CHARTS ARENT NORMAL? i make flow charts before i call the bank or smth so i know what to say#its not just to blend in its also so i dont waste ppls time going uhhhhh as i think of how i put smth into words#its called stalling for time and i dont care if i have to say smth like thats just how the cookie crumbles if it gives me#5 more seconds to process whatever the fuck someone said without letting them think im not paying attention#doodles#diary#sona#puppysona#comics
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blake lets him keep it. this is a dire lapse in judgement on his part but they're just gonna have to live with it. (ids in alts)
#niksartstuffs#furry hockey league#ocs#furry art#theyre both.... like. ok.#conor is like. nice and soft spoken and awkward and sweet but then every now & then does smth SO serial-killer-esque.#and you just have to stand there like okay my perception of this kid has been irrevocably changed forever. what the fuck man.#and blake is very outwardly offputting and bitchy kind of on purpose which hides a deep insecurity which also hides a belief that he is#in fact better than everyone else which also hides a desperate need for someone to pay special attention to him. tch. typical.#then conor does pay attention to him. a lot. and blake likes conor more and more the weirder and weirder he reveals himself to be. win-win.#that being said i dont think they are getting together until they're like. 10 years into their careers LMAO. i keep making the burn slower#every time i think abt it. a couple yrs and then 10 yrs next thing u know it'll be when they're retired.#wait... coaching a team together........... no no i cant keep doing this to them. whatever actually i can have AUs for my own universe.#conlake baseball au. make that a reality.#idk what their portmanteau ship name should be. in my mind they are the obnoxious main ship that ppl with good taste ignore in favour of#blake/lucas or something. anyway. its fun meta thinking about my own work. these tags have gotten so far away from me.
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i know astrology is fake but i'm not too keen on how a lot of people on this website seem to be clowning on it as a hobby a bit too hard. i swear the woman who thinks it's neat how she and her friends with the same sun sign are all similar isn't trying to say that you are who you are born as and there is nothing you can do to change it. it's a hobby. an interest. what happened to finding meaning and joy in the small things. does it affect you if someone enjoys tarot reading or crystals. does it make you upset someone has interests that they enjoy.
#im not saying astrology/tarot/crystals/etc. get clowned on so much bc theyre hobbies mostly enjoyed by women But....#i saw a post about some astrology study and made the mistake of opening the notes on that bad boy#not fun. and that reminded me of that old post that was basically like ''liking astrology is transphobic''#anyways idk maybe its just that my bestie is very much a ''crystal girl'' but like. stuff like that are such neat hobbies#she makes some cute little jars with pretty rocks and they make her feel better bc if you believe in something you can make it happen#when it comes to small things#like yeah if you pick up a stone that's like ''this can help you be more open with your emotions'' and you are like ''oh hell yea!''#ofc that will be on your mind and the item will be a constant reminder and actually help you with your goals#and its like. ok what really stuck with me was when i was talking with my bff and i was like ''i think all this stuff is interesting but i#feel bad bc i am superstitious and believe in some signs like lucky numbers but i know that logically its just. if i pick a lucky number of#i pay extra attention to it but i want to believe its lucky but i know how human brains work in that aspect''#and she was just like. ''so? those things dont have to exclude each other'' and it clicked#if i have a little tigers eye with me it does not make me feel more grounded magically#but if i decide (or believe) it's grounding then it will b bc it's a reminder for me to calm down#and stuff#like. ah idk how to put my thoughts into words#but i just think its unfair that a few rotten apples have ruined the perception of fun hobbies for a lot#not every astrology enjoyer is trying to sell you mlm essential oils or genuinely believe peoples entire lives are dictated upon the stars#or something#idk i just feel like these things are v misunderstood even tho im not personally like super into them myself#but ppl super mean about that stuff arent invited to look at my medieval themed fortune telling cards#idkk im sleepy and cant articulate my points someone else say this but better#leevi talks#im just saying. i dont think its bioessentialism to decide to believe you personally have a season for growth when the stars are in a#certain position or whatever
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STARDOM ☆ 7.28.24 ☆ SAPPORO WORLD RENDEZVOUS
mayu acts as wingman to help hanan pin tam
#stardom#stardom wrestling#mayu iwatani#hanan#tam nakano#natsupoi#joshi puroresu#stardomedit#wrestlingedit#ogifs#owrestling#flashing gif#id in alt#im never sure how much detail to give for these.. also no guarantee any move names are actually accurate. im giving it my best lol.#this match was so cute so fun <3....#mayu's priorities ARE 1) loving her girls and 2) being petty and spiteful and mean and having fun with it esp wrt tam#and idk breaking her neck goes somewhere in there too or whatever#at the end of the match as mayu and hanan's arms are being raised by the ref in vistory#mayu is only looking at tam still lying on the mat with like. pure glee on her face#hanan's arm is still in the air and she's delighted for herself for this being the biggest win of her career so far#but mayu's only paying attention to tam and drops down to her hunkers to hold the iwgp belt in her face#shes SOO funny. icon of stardom forever and ever.#i love when girls use each other as weapons i hope they do it forever#ALSO oh my god when mayu stops people getting into the ring by just holding them in place and beating the side of their head over and over#like with natsupoi in the 4th gif. funniest shit in the world i love it so much#she did that with i believe mina at the philly show but i dont think the cameras caught it#so delighted we got to see it live there <3.. god mayu rules#anyway hanan getting the win here felt like a bigger deal in the moment before the 5star happened. lol 😔#i still want tam doing a gauntlet run of having a rematch with everyone that beat her in the 5star#maybe hanan can squeeze into that for a red belt shot
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i should go to sleep
#anyways its good to see how replaceable i am i guess👍 i dont know#why are you paying so much attention to someone you met like 3 weeks ago and all you talk to me about is them#i feel so selfish for it but i dont care#dont fucking talk to me about it when you already know how jealous i get#i want you to be safe but you keep doing whatever the hell you want and then come to me when anxiety gets the better of you#vent ish
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i know doctor who has never been Perfect, and i love capaldi, i love twelve, but christ alive its a hard watch sometimes
#toy txt post#they just made him so egregiously and blatantly RACIST? like to the point where im like was this like? an on purpose characterization#choice that i just strongly disagree with? or like? is it a consequence of the writers trying to be less racist by including more#characters of color but failing by not checking their own implicit biases so now not only is the doctor racist but like. egregiously so bc#theres so many more opportunities for him to be racist? like just#and if youre sitting here like hes not!!! how dare you: pay attention to the difference in how he treats characters of color vs white chars#he hates soldiers. okay fine thats been fairly consistent. okay but 12 RLY hates them. he hates them so much he cant stand Claras bf Danny#who should be the doctors like ideal soldier bc he was a soldier who didnt want to be anymore and just wants to chill and do good in the#world and for ppl to be safe so hes just a nice math teacher and the doctor calls him stupid and treats him as if hes fucking rambo? but#the doctor is largely fine with: kate lethbridge stewart? hes fine with ogood who may not be a soldier in her own right but shes actively#participating in UNIT as a scientist in a way thats way more ~soldiery~ than anything Danny is doing? and like they clearly wanted that to#be a point of tension to point out the doctors hypocrisy of how the doctor is like a high ranking officer/general whatever#and like thats fine and fair to point out but it just sucks that they do all that and dont seem ti realize how fuckijg racist they wrote#him? he was fucking besties with winston goddamn churchill but he refuses whatshername. journey blue? as a companion bc#shes a soldier. well bro you could make her not a soldier by removing her from the fucking battlefield maybe instead of getting morally#outraged about it? not to mention noticing how when he goes from '900 yrs of space and time and ive never met anyone who wasnt important'#wandering around being fine with UNIT apparently declaring him dictator of earth in emergencies (HELLO?) but dont worry he'll let us know#he disapproves by picking some random UNIT guy to be a really condescending asshole to. pay no attention to the fact that this UNIT#guy happens to be another character of color. ~the 12th doctor is too faceblind you cant call him racist~ well for a guy who cant tell#humans apart from sontarans his accidentaly racism beam is off the charts. its crazy. god#god i wish he'd gotten written better than this#when they do write him good they write him good. but godddddddd its so#doctor who
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its important to watch a new movie or read a new book sometimes. largely because 1) its nice to experience all the art this world has to offer but also 2) you might be able to find new scenarios to imagine your OCs in
#it gets the cogs turning if ur imaginary scenarios get stale#wait did anyone else do this. when i was a kid i played with my toys in the very storytelling heavy style#like every toy was a character type thing. ten million large spanning melodramatic stories of epic proportions with my littlest pet shops#like that was the type of play i liked. and i would#sit in front of the TV with whatever playing half watching cartoons#or watching some kids movie on vhs borrowed from the library back when they still had tapes#and the whole time i would be playing with my toys. seeming more engrossed in the story among my toys than the movie i was watching#but i WAS watching the movie i was just using it largely as a. jumping off point. to make up stories about like#my lps cat who can see ghosts and her search for her long lost twin sister or something#Oh god and when i was a little older like 10 years old making ms paint animations age#whenever i was watching a movie with like famiy or in class or whatever and maybe it was a little boring at parts#i would like. start focusing on the score only and just imagine my own sparklewolf OCs to it instead of paying attention#my dad often fondly remembers watching avatar in theatres with the whole family and looking over to me and seeing me mentally GONE hfkjdfhs#mother and older brother were pretty engrossed with the effects and visuals and i was like. eyes glazed over staring into space#imagining blue wolves with anime hair like :) my dad thought it was very funny. he cant judge the reason he was looking around was because#often hes more interested in watching other people react to a movie than the movie itself LOL we are cut from similar cloths..#i still dont remember a thing about that movie. but the score wasnt bad HJKDBJFKLSHJFDs#but yeah i dunno. watch a horror movie. think about putting your ocs through the horrors. thats how ive lived my entire life
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It always seems a bit unbalanced on The Great Food Truck Race when there will be multiple teams who are cooking a wide variety of complex dishes with 10 different components and a bunch of prep work, and then there's that one team who like... exclusively serves plain crepes with some premade nutella on them, or plain waffles with just some whipped cream and cut up strawberries lol...
#AND then they'll be the winning team or whatever and its like... wow... imagine that... I wonder how its possible that they can get#more dishes out faster than the other teams... hrrmm.... lol#Not that they aren't still doing work like. obviously it's still hard and there's still a sales component and other stuff to be done#but It's just kind of unbalanced seeming when one group is serving like grilled shrimp sandwich with 3 homemade sauces and a#slaw and two sides and the other people are like... slicing fruit and drizzling a bottle of hersheys chocolate syrup on top of some thing#they just threw in a waffle maker for a few minutes#You see the footage of the teams cooking and everyone is like prepping a ton of different things and meat and vegetables and they have#boiling pots and pans and fryers going and tossing stuff in bowls and compiling these multi component dishes#and then That One Team is always just casually slicing bananas or doing some whipped cream in a bowl gbjhbhj#They usually dont even make their own caramel or chocolate sauces or anything. Nutella out of a jar babey!#So all you're really Making is like... whipped cream. and some sort of batter (waffle. crepe. etc)#If I got placed in a competition like that and I found out one of my opponents just sold waffles or pancake sticks or etc#like that I would just be like... okay.. I'm out then. bye. OR I would pivot and be like.. right I shall remove all complexity from my menu#whatsoever and just start selling plain balls of fried dough with powdered sugar or plain fries with nothing on them or something lol#update: OH my god.. one of these teams on a newer season is selling a 'bonus add on' where you can add#cinnamon sugar and caramel syrup (possibly not even home made by them???? just from a bottle) for $5 extra on your order#If I bought a $12 waffle from a food truck and they were like 'hey do you want to upgrade? for only $5 we'll drizzle a teaspoon#of caramel and sprinkle a little sugar and cinnamon on there!' I feel like I would cancel my order and walk away.#that is a $1 add on at MOST.. for a freaking DRIZZLE of caramel sauce LOL#and of course this team is in the top 3... squirrel.... come ON...#Which I know all these shows are fake and bad and whatever. I dont watch them seriously. I think I liked the first few seasons#but then anything past like season 4 (or whenever they started having established people who already ran food trucks on there#instead of taking a bunch of peope who had never run a food truck before and giving them one - which is a much more equal footing#premise to me) I have just been increasingly annoyed at and I really just have the show on for background noise#whilst doing chores or something and am not genuinely paying that much attention but... my god.. At least try to pretend its fair lol#WHICH I KNOWW... you can say 'well the other teams could do similar if they wanted.' or blah blah. tehcnically it's THEIR choice to#make stuff from scratch and not sell a bunch of packaged frozen chicken wings dropped into a fryer over a shitty 6min waffle or etc.#but... I will never respect a $5 for 1tbsp of caramel sauce type of situation.. even if they win.. you will always be losers in my heart#So many teams with real cooking skill & good concepts go home to the 'slap nutella on fried dough' people... how...
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i was just sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast, having greek yogurt with grape nuts - which i thought was perfectly normal - and my mom cam in and with complete sincerity told me that i needed to have some fruit with it because otherwise i was basically eating plain sugar. am i going insane here
#boink#i went grocery shopping for her the other day and apparently i got the wrong yogurt bc it has too much sugar and fat in it#idk#anyway she got mad at me for eating yogurt the other day too#i had had one spoon of it after stirring it up out of the fridge#and she got all prickly and asked if i ever check the serving size on food#and that i should pay attention to how much i was eating and put it in a bowl instead of eating it out of the container#which i was notable not doing#anyway#she also got upset when she noticed it was the wrong kind and said that i needed to be careful eating it because it's basically candy#and THEN when i got upset abt this she said not to get mad at her for caring#which#ok#but i just#god#i dont know#im the fattest person in my family#when i was a kid one of the traits that i sort of adopted bc people said it abt me was that i was 'always hungry'#even though that wasnt true#that im not picky and ill eat anything which /again/ is not true#and now that im older i can just tell. that people look at me and think i'm gluttonous. like it's a sin right#and i know especially with my family that that's what theyre thinking about me#i already have so much guilt about wanting things and enjoying things#like this year at school i feel like i was doing so well with that kind of thing#and i gained weight of course i did of course#and thats shitty and whatever the fuck but also i didnt hate myself for it a lot of the time?#and now im back in my house and its just like. i dont know#i need to work through things one step at a time#and i just cant#i mean not with everyone watching
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my dad does not want to hear me talk about my bg3 guys and its making me sad
#im not asking him to care ab the stories just pay attention to me!!! humor me!!! goddamn!!!!#how hard could it be to spare 10 mins of your time to hear your daughter talk about something she clearly cares a lot about#i dont give a shit about photography but i always listen when you tell me about it!!! whatever
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A guy from class gave me a cookie and i feel special now lol
#i have decided to ignore the possibility that he was flirting thankyouverymuch#i dont even rlly like cookies but whatever#hes not even in my friend group (tho he sits right behind us so we talk often) so it rlly feels special :)#i helped him get a pirated algebra textbook last week and he said it was to repay me for that#and yeah after being completely ignored for all the eso it feels so good when someone pays attention to me#but whatever lol#byee#mine
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i was thinking about it and genuinely, what is yalls motivation to work hard
#i know i study because i love to but also I've been working so hard because#i know#in the back of my head#that i have a reputation to keep up with.#I generally lose focus in class in like 5 minutes and i find it SO hard to pay attention BUT#im really good at pretending to understand whats going on#when we're given questions to do#i just use the formula but i dont understand how it's come or whatever#i simply know it's the topic of the lecture#I’m also aware of how everyone around me expects me to do well on tests because I can usually get the problems right in class#so I self study the entire thing anyway and it eventually makes sense to me but#the reason I work so hard to understand it is because I cannot afford for other people to think I’m not academically smart#likw you can hate me all you want but i cant have u thinking im dumb#because im not#and i constantly feel the need to prove that to like#literally everyone around me#even though no one really gives a shit if you think about it#sorry this was so long#veerambles
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my incredibly controversial fantasy genre take when it comes to writing is that you Do Not Actually Need to use high fantasy language and make up words for stuff, and sometimes it can be better if you don't
like. maybe it's just me but i find it a lot harder to get immersed in a story when the worldbuilding is SO intricate and detailed you need a glossary or have to pour over a thousand years of history in the span of a couple pages. i would MUCH rather read a high fantasy novel where the magic kingdom is just called The Garden or the deserted string of floating islands is just called The Wastelands or magic is just called magic instead of unpronounceable words and terms that have to be memorized.
especially for me, when it comes to writing, my stories are SO grounded in character relationships and dynamics, that trying to dig into the specific lore and structure of the world around just breaks the immersion and takes away from the characters themselves.
i know some writers are gonna insist this is just "being lazy" but i firmly believe that sometimes it is the best writing decision to allow simplicity and ease of understanding in your high fantasy setting, and that it can actually make the character complexities and relationships hit harder, because you're not distracted at all with remembering fantasy terminology.
#someone else could probably describe what im saying better but like.#the setting of my stories is the SMALLEST part you need to be paying attention to#every time i try to add high fantasy words or terms or whatever it just sounds weird and completely kills the vibe#ALSO LIKE. its not as weird as it sounds#like think about tolkien. think about how little weird fantady shit ACTUALLY happens or has to be memorized for the sake of the story#like of course theres a billion years of history and names to remember if you want to; but think about lord of the rings; and how#little knowledge you would have to have of the structure of this world or the terminology in order to enjoy it#and for almost everything theres a regular ass equivalent!!#like the Nazgul are the Nazgul but theyre also just the Black Riders. theyre the Ring Wraiths.#the big evil fortress? the Two Towers. the evil volcano where the force of corruption was born? Mount Doom.#the giant flaming eye in the sky?? its literally The Eye.#like. it is actually such a useful tool to know when to cut back on the language intricacies for the sake of understanding & immersion#does this make ANY sense. i dont know how else to describe it#mine#writing
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makes me kind of sad that no one’s made a proper multifemale edit of taylor’s who’s afraid of little old me? bc, okay look, the song is filled with so much female rage that when i see people using it for edits for male characters, and it’s male characters that i like or love don’t get me wrong, it’s like they’re not getting what the song is about. it feels weird seeing it paired to anything other than women and what we’ve struggled with.
#before ANYONE says anything; yes i’m aware that men struggle too#i am in NO WAY invalidating the fact that they’ve gone through awful stuff but i’m focusing on women#but women have a long history of being invalidated period and i think we should be more aware of it when it comes to stuff like this#i mean i see it used for spider-man or stiles stilinski and i just dont vibe with it#i love both those characters but the song isnt meant for them#then i see it used for characters like paul atreides or anakin or joker?? and i wanna fight#it’s like are you serious?? did you not even pay attention to the song? and you decide to use clips from their movies for it?#i’m very much aware that this is the internet and you can edit whatever you want and creative freedom or whatever#but i also have creative freedom to voice my opinion and disagree with the use#and i dont mean to gatekeep the song AT ALL#i just want people to really pay attention to the lyrics and recognize that it isnt some villain strut or badass ballad#it’s a song about being broken down to pieces and rising up despite it; telling those that pulled you apart or watched as you fell#that they SHOULD be afraid of you and what you’re capable of BECAUSE they’re the ones to blame for their own undoing#and i firmly still believe it’s a female rage song and should stay it#if you HAD to give it to a male character give it to someone who it makes SENSE for#someone like percy jackson or you know what no i change my mind#it’s so clearly meant for women that i’m not entertainting that idea#sorry for the rant#taylor swift#who’s afraid of little old me#the tortured poets department#ttpd#ts ttpd
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ive decided i shall just Not sleep
#moo.txt#im really tired bht i dont. want to let myself sleep#i sont. deserve it#punishment. or whagever#sorry i really do feel bad venting on here all the time because im just forcing everyonr t#*to. well maybe not listen to me but at least look at my thoughts#instead of like just venting to one person or a server or whatever#but its not like i Have anyone to actually properly talk to#im everyones second choice At Best#and this probably sounds depressing but its not like im wrong. whenever i ppst this stuff i get self conscious but im just. saying it how-#-it is.#like yes im just burdening people but thats already what im fucking doing every minute of my life#i could say [REDACTED] and itd probably get ignored regardless so who cares at this point#ive tried so hard to push people away nobody understands. and i keep coming back like a fucking lonely puppy snd just hurting people more#i need to just be put down#i donf know what to do anymore i feel guilty when people dont talk to me i feel guilty when people DO talk to mw because either way its-#-a reaction to whatever ivs said on here typically#i dont Knkw whst i want anymore orher than [REDACTED]#maybe someday ill get angry enough and just stop censoring myself at all but at least right now i wkll#theres no winning with me because its like. i get sent a message About what ive said and i feel extreme guilt. i get sent a message thats-#-off topic and i feel extreme guilt. i dont get messaged at all and i feel extreme guilt#oh whatever im sitting here spiraling and writing a post that nobody except myself is gonna read least of all pay attention to#an extremely suicidal teenager what else is new.
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LIKE I FUCKING GET IT OK
#im gonna vent the fuck out in these tags#triggering content#whatever#…………..………..……………………………….#………………………………………………………….#……………………………………………………….#……………….#okay i fucking GET IT i look fat#i get it!!!! okay!!!!!!!! i am over the average weight!!!!!!#but you didnt care when i was UNDET the average weight#i literally struggled with eating disorders for like two years straight and you didnt notice ONCE#NOT ONCE!!!!#IT WAS LITERALLY ALMOST JUST US IN THE HOUSE#and never once did you pay attention or care or fucking ANYTHING#cus at least i was skinny right?#im not even in a bad enough place for that to go back to it#i feel like thats the worst part of it all honestly#yeah id LOVE to go back to that lifestyle where the girl across from me at the lunch table doesnt comment on how much food i bring at least#twice a week#where i get side eyed for eating ANYTHING#itd be sooooo fucking great but i dont hate myself that much anymore#maybe i should
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